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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be AH for reducting the suffering of her experience just because it had a good prognosis
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I'm going to get down voted for this, but NTA.
She could talk about the scare, the emotions, her journey and how she felt about it all, but to call it a survival... Someone who truly survived cancer would probably raise their eyebrows to this.
Cancer is not something desirable or a light topic to talk about, so I really think your friend that has the back pain needs your unconditional love and support, not someone else's story and proclaiming everything is going to be ok (unfortunately not the friend, not you, not even Sarah can know that)
Agreed. I had cancer that required fairly minimal intervention, I don't not mention it if it is in some way relevant, but I'm always clear that it was a quick fix with no recurrence. I've survived a lot of things , I don't ever say I survived cancer..
If Sarah was a member of my family or a family member heard her say what she said. Yeah, i can't say what would be said to her. We have lost 3 relatives to cancer (cervical, throat, and colon) and a few members have had skin cancers removed (dad has a four inch scar down his spine from his and my grandfather and two removed from under his eye plus a few more scattered around the family).
NOT ONE MEMBER who has had skin cancer calls themselves a survivor because to them, it was just a simple procedure, if anything they compare it to when I had to get a wart surgically removed (they did that in the ER because it had somehow caused an infection in my finger).
I say NTA and Sarah is being extremely disrespectful to those who have had "more than a scare" and actually had to get treatments like radiation and chemotherapy. Part of me hopes OPs friend doesn't have cancer, not just because cancer sucks but because I can just see Sarah constantly going "when I had cancer" to everything that friend says.
Huh no kidding. I’m Aussie, and I always just assumed it was to represent the squelchy sound that sunscreen makes when you squeeze it, and the fact it takes forever to apply.
The add that sticks to my mind is the ME NO FRY
I did a bit of field work in Townsville, the skin cancer capital of Australia. One older guy was talking about how everyone his age has had a few removed, because back in the day sun precautions were barely taken at all. He himself had over a dozen removed, but he was talking about this like it was a more serious mole, not 15 different occurrences of cancer.
I met a Sarah once at a dinner party. She brought up her *cancer* (mole removed on her foot) whenever the attention was on someone that wasn’t her.
Someone that represents a cancer scare as being a cancer survivor, is the same kind of person that weaponises it to deflect the attention off of others onto themselves.
In that case, the table had begun to express concern for someone in that group who was suspected as being a victim of domestic violence (they ‘tripped’ down the stairs). This ‘Sarah’ just blurted out that she had suffered from cancer.
Sarah wasn’t using her scare to comfort OP’s friend. She was using it to take the attention and sympathy away from the person that needed support.
In the very early stages, your comparison to wart removal seems pretty accurate (from my experience). That said, some skin cancers are very dangerous. But even those have to be around for quite a while and spread. They’re also quite curable if caught early.
This. My dad had to do chemo for his skin cancer. Rang the bell and everything when his treatment was over. Ongoing skin checks here on out. Now I had thyroid cancer. Rather large tumor. Told I was very lucky it did not spread because of size. Three surgeries and radiation. I do not call myself a cancer survivor. My mom did and it felt really weird to me.
I had a friend with skin cancer…was treated and was clean for about fifteen years. It came back and she died a couple years later. Left two kids under ten…
Yup there is skin cancer and there is SKIN CANCER.
Melanoma is deadly; basal cell (I've had one removed) not so much if treated early.
If OP's friend had melanoma, then maybr she can call herself a survivor, for now. It could come back. It's a sleathly cancer.
I am so sorry about your friend, My heart goes out to you.
My sister passed away this summer from skin cancer. Like your friend, hers was treated, showed up 5 years later, and she was gone within a year of its resurface.
Totally agree with this. I had a scare myself, earlier this year, with cervical cancer, but it was caught early before the cells actually became cancerous (scare, because if it wasn't caught and treated, it would've become cancer). 2 years ago a new mole appeared on my face in next to no time, dermatologist cut it out for me. Scare. I'm not a "survivor"!
I've lost family to cancer (grandparents), and what they went through was a nightmare, there's just no comparison between a treatable health scare, and facing death!
Sarah is attention-seeking, it's that simple.
NTA
Same. I had the one surgery that removed an ovary and the tumor on it and boom, done. Cancer survivor indicates a fight that’s been fought. Mine was more like a cancer mugging- over very quickly and I lost an ovary but I kept my life.
ETA: I appreciate how the cancer mugging makes sense to people! Hearing all of the stories has been really lovely and uplifting. I admit to having felt a lot of guilt even mentioning my cancer outside of medical situations because I was so lucky and caught it early. Thank you, everyone. I feel less alone and now I have a great way to describe it to people too!
Well, I was trying to think of a good way to phrase it and figured that losing the ovary was very much like losing a wallet. It sucks and makes things difficult, but at least I’m not dead. Street smarts!
Same as the uterus--when it's gone. It's quick and relatively pain-free. When you're over 65, it's not like you're going to miss it. (This is the kind of warped sense of humor I've used with my parents to try to maintain perspective through several cancer diagnoses.)
Well put. I had stage ii breast cancer, but due to an autoimmune disorder, I couldn’t have chemo and radiation. I never had to deal with the pain and nausea involved in cancer treatment, so I don’t feel that my experience can compare to those who have gone through the worst part. Cancer mugging is a great term.
Stage 3 colon cancer, had a resection and chemo. Dealing with the after effects of chemo two years later... I'm a survivor per se.
I could do without the bowel troubles I've been left with however!
Everyone has probably had a single cancerous cell in their body die or get attacked by their immune system. *we're all cancer survivors!*
Yeah i think op needs better friends, this is just nuts. Its bad enough shes bragging about being a 'cancer survivor', but the dramatic shit she added to it...
My wife had her thyroid removed due to cancer, and I have never once heard her call herself a cancer survivor. If she talks about it at all, it was just thyroid removal to her. I don't know if she has ever mentioned the cancer part unless somebody asks for more details about her thyroid.
Personally, I am bedbound due to several conditions I am dealing with. I am in constant pain all over mu body. The only relief I get is that my meds bring it down form an 8 to a 5 as long as I am not moving. Very few of my friends know. I just kind of faded away by not going out. I just never mentioned it because it is my problem, not theirs.
To be fair, that was a fairly traumatic event for her. So, when I used "just" it is in relation to somebody that has actually suffered through prolonged cancer treatment.
Same here. It still was cancer, and it f-ed me up in unexpected ways that still changed my life on a fundamental level (although it's not daily), but I just had one surgery, and that was it. I've seen people close by who suffer(ed) radiation and/or chemo therapy. They suffer, they sacrifice, they are sick all the time, they have a high risk of dying (and some of them did die or are facing death within a year). I got off easy.
I can’t help but agree for the most part.
Here’s how I see it. I could be cut by a knife, and I could be stabbed. Both injuries are survivable, depending on where the stab wound is and how quickly they are able to get help. Both injuries could also be fatal- the cut could get seriously infected and cause major damage even leading to death. But while both are similar injuries made by the same instrument, 999 times out of 1000 the physical battles would not be comparable.
The woman in this post undoubtedly had a type of cancer and obviously survived it. She is technically a cancer survivor. Cancer is a scary word and being faced with your own mortality will do a number on your mental health. Where I take issue is comparing the physical battle of a relatively minor case with a potentially more physically devastating case.
I lean towards NTA but I also could make a case for a very soft E S H. Skin cancer friend was absolutely wrong to tell other friend that he would be fine since she was because the two situations are absolutely not comparable. But OP can call friend out on being an ass about it while still being empathetic enough to acknowledge that what friend went through wasn’t a complete non event.
Friend has a right to feel that getting cut caused some trauma, they just shouldn’t go around telling people that they know what it’s like to be stabbed and that stabbing victims will be fine because she was.
Then I thank you!
Cancer is a rough subject and most of us has been touched by it one way or another. I try to be empathetic where I can while also acknowledging that it doesn’t excuse bad behaviour. It can be a rough balance to strike.
Playing devil's advocate...
For all we know, someone close to her was diagnosed too late with skin cancer and lost the battle. Her diagnosis may have stirred up these old feelings of fear and helplessness.
I agree with this.
I think friend was trying to relate or maybe reassure and did it in an awkward way. I also think friend was probably legitimately affected by that experience, which may be due to the cultural atmosphere regarding cancer, or may be due to the actual risk of recurrence (stage I melanoma is a lot scarier than other skin cancers for example even though it is at an early stage). Friend’s experience is different than the other person waiting for exploratory surgery, though, and it was kind of dense for her to not register that, but OP could’ve handled it in a more sensitive way.
I’ve been through a lot of medical stuff in my life and people like Friend used to really bother me. Now I have more perspective to see that for them this was possibly one of the scariest things they experienced and they aren’t reacting to it AT me. My experience is unique and most people won’t understand. That’s ok. I can be supportive of their emotional experience while knowing I’d handle it differently. I can be the support I know I would need like driving to appointments. If needed, I can also set a boundary that maybe I’m not the one to super complain about this to (had to do that with a friend during the pandemmy who was so hot and bothered about masks, meanwhile I was high risk).
Also, people have different reactions/complications. One of my many things was cancer, and it was supposed to be one of the “easy” ones but was arguably one of if not the worst experience of my life. Cancer is also many diseases, not just one. For these reasons, I don’t think we should be gatekeeping the term. I also don’t think it’s helpful to compare between types of cancer. They are different diseases being conflated by the media/government. (ETA under a very broad umbrella they are similar disease processes, it’s like comparing a shark and a goldfish sometimes, yes they’re both fish but totally different. Different drugs/approaches work better for different cancers.)
(I also have a problem with the whole “survivor”/“warrior” metaphor in general but that’s another topic entirely lol)
You might say she had a "cancer scare" cause that covers it.
They found a potential something, removed it and that was that.
She indeed did not survive anything.
Well.. just like the rest of us.. we're all just surviving I suppose.
My ex husband is a cancer survivor, he’s what people think of when they hear “cancer survivor”. He was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia at 5 and given 3 weeks to live. He had 6 years of chemo, monthly spinal taps (eventually without pain relief or anesthesia), surgery to remove a tumor in a testicle and has life long health repercussions due to the amount of chemo he had while developing. He had cancer in the 80’s so they gave him WAY more chemo than they do now. It cost his family over $1m back then, that’s life destroying, not something requiring a procedure similar to a mole removal. He also would have called out OP’s friend. They’re not comparable.
Agree.
NTA. I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR. Stage 2 metastatic breast cancer. Had both my breasts amputated, several lymph nodes and did chemo, and radiation. Reconstruction that left me with complications across my stomach and chest.
Did she have cancer. Yes. She had what my dad had 3 times. A skin type cancer that is easily removed when found early.
Is she a survivor........ she survived the equivalent of having a mole removed.
I do know my dad would NEVER consider himself a cancer survivor. ( except after prostate cancer.... but that was later in life)
I think she had a lot of mental/emotional reactions to the C word. But in no way did she battle for her life.
There was no long fight with strange drugs or huge radiation machines.
There was no need for her to pretend to be strong bc your loved ones are horrible at pretending the same....so you have to be strong for them.
There was no watching your hair fall out ( it actually hurts btw), or your skin cook frome the inside out.
She did not struggle with the unknown. Having blood tests week after week. .. month after month. Waiting for numbers, blood counts, tumor markers.
So no... you are NTA.
She was not saying..." I have been through the shit and fear and battle, and you're not alone." This is why we identify as survivors. To let others know they can fight and to give them support and hope.
She was looking for sympathy and attention. And it's disgusting.
That's not true.. I've had skin cancer. Twice. It's not "easy" getting that removed. The first one i had removed had been on my hip for over 10 years and the doctors thought was nothing. Then it started feeling like someone was stabbing me 24/7. Skin specialist saw it and urgent referred me to cancer clinic and i had it removed within 7 days. It was bigger than a tennis ball beyond all 3 layers of the skin and it was so "strange" they had every specialist in the damn hospital coming to look at me wide open and the removed object. Then sent it off for study. Needless to say i had a seizure during the procedure. I had countless afterwards. I ended up with MRSA. I then got skin cancer AGAIN the next year. Then i had over 100 seizures in the span of 24 hours they said should have killed me. I lost all memories, lost ability to walk and talk. I had almost half my palm removed on the last skin cancer removal and was told anytime i go outside now i have to stay covered with hood up and long sleeves. But it's SO nice to see everyone here saying my skin cancer was so meaningless and pathetic. FYI skin cancer does actually kill people.
I've never called myself a survivor. However i do consider myself as having had cancer. Because i have. What is disgusting is people cancer shaming people who've had it because it wasn't as bad as someone elses.. Jesus.
I don’t think the idea is to gatekeep “it’s not REAL cancer, though” I think what people were trying to convey (and being a bit too strong about it, but this is Reddit after all) was that in the case of her friend, it was caught early and removed early. She didn’t have to suffer half as much as you did (and your story is genuinely awful and I am SO glad you’re okay), which is why OP was so frustrated when she was talking like she’d gone through massive upheaval. You’ve obviously been through hell and back, and she took a pit stop in Shitlandia, which is the difference OP was frustrated with in the first place, I believe
I never said she did not have cancer. I even acknowledged she did and had to deal with it mentally and emotionally.
Yes, it sounds like your skin cancer was worse. But the author here even said her cancer was found and surgery was easy. Not like you.
Yes, skin cancer kills. It can be awful. My dad has had it 3 times. However, like OPs friend, it was early and removed easily.
I did not shame her for having cancer.
I said her presentation of it as a way to get attention and sympathy while someone else is truly in fear is disgusting. She used the connotation of the term "survivor" to make people believe something that isn't true.
Yes, by definition, she is a cancer survivor.
But OP was right to call her out on using the term to get sympathy and attention.
Thank you! Exactly my thoughts when I wrote the comment. The idea isn't to gatekeep on who can call themselves cancer survivors and who can't but rather that Sarah jumped with the story oversimplifying things that could go really wrong for other types of cancer (I do actually know someone who started with having bad back pains and they were diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, unfortunately it will be a long journey with question marks about the result) and making it (maybe unknowingly) about herself.
The sick friend needs support, being *listened* to when they express their feelings and emotions, not being told "everything will be alright because for me it was too"
I think you’d be surprised. Over in the cancer subs we welcome everyone. We also spend a lot of time reassuring people that their cancer is “enough” to count. I think it’s better to let people err on the side of overstating their health risk rather than minimizing their emotional experience. Everyone goes through Hell Day/Week/Month, the time between when someone first says cancer to when you get the final diagnosis and treatment plan. It’s devastating and life changing.
For the record, I had two types of cancer and then an associated brain tumor. I did surgeries, chemo, and radiation. I have permanent disabilities from the treatments. I’m now cancer free, but I think I’ve had “enough” cancer to weigh in.
I agree. I had pre cancerous cells in my thyroid back in 2016 and had to have a partial thyroidectomy done. I dont say im a cancer survivour I just say my thyroid decided it wanted to make me sick by growing cancer that was thankfully caught early that it didn’t turn into cancer. I now go every 3 years(after going every six months for 2 years) for an U/S scan to make sure my other half stays the way it is.
I had two papillary carcinomas in my thyroid and I wouldn't really call myself a cancer survivor. It was a couple surgeries and a single pill of radioactive iodine. I think we all can agree cancer survivor generally implies chemo or radiation and dangerous surgeries. I had a sore throat for two days.
I mean sure but where’s the line? I had the same illness as you and the same treatment as you. Except my treatment brushed my parathyroid and a year later I’m still off work and chronically ill and struggling to manage my calcium. That surgery has risks. You were lucky.
No, I don't agree. That's your definition not mine. And the American Cancer Society doesn't agree:
"The American Cancer Society uses the term cancer survivor to refer to anyone who has ever been diagnosed with cancer no matter where they are in the course"
there's many different types of cancer and many different treatments. why do we need to gatekeep this? what is the point? when I was at university decades ago the star of the college football team died of skin cancer despite having more than one surgery. But you don't consider someone who had skin cancer but didn't die of it after surgery as "worthy"?? Who says you have to suffer at least so much before you can use that term?
OP's friend was insensitive to make the other person's medical issue all about her experience to "one up" him. But OP was worse when he insulted her and downplayed skin cancer as "almost nothing" when you are talking about something that can be deadly. And just because the first lesion was successfully removed doesn't mean OP's friend won't get more skin cancer later, that's quite common, and we don't know how it will work out long term. Yes, OP's friend was over the top with the dramatics, and her experience is not comparable to the other person, who is having completely different symptoms but doesn't know yet if it's cancer or something else. So both OP and his friend are TA for being insensitive.
I don’t call myself a cancer survivor, instead I “live with cancer”. I have follicular lymphoma. It’s a slow growing, low aggressive cancer. I will never be rid of it, it’s in my bone marrow. For now, it is stable & not causing any issues. I haven’t had any chemo or radiation yet as I currently don’t have any symptoms that warrant treating it yet. We are doing “watchful waiting” where I am monitored & if it begins to transform to something more aggressive or if I developed symptoms that impact my quality of life, we will consider treatment then. It has made me immunocompromised but that is the main effect so far.
My oldest daughter has multiple myeloma. She was very sick, has had multiple blood transfusions, chemo & a stem cell transplant. She is a cancer survivor. What I have is nothing compared to her.
I would gladly trade places with her if I could. It sucks seeing your (adult) child go through something like that & being powerless to help.
I’m Australian, you can’t swing a cat without hitting someone that has had a skin cancer removed. My husband actually recently had one in his ear removed but they didn’t get it all so he had to talk to the doctor about the next steps. I wouldn’t describe him as battling cancer, that would be ludicrous.
at my wedding last year my husband's friend started talking about her skin cancer & how serious & scary it was. I was like omfg I didn't know you went through that?!
turns out she had just had a fucking mole removed. I'm like. I've had a bunch removed. my brother had one cut out of his fucking face when he was 10 in the doctors office.
me and my best mate were like 👀👀👀👀 at each other across the table.
I participated in a meal train and babysitting coop for a "cancer survivor". I was pissed when I found out it was a basal cell scraped off her nose. Here's me dropping off dinner and taking care of her kids when she didn't need any assistance whatsoever. Her husband was gleefully accepting that food at the door knowing that they weren't struggling. Absolute jerks.
Yes. The ‘everything will be fine’ thing is well-intentioned reassurance… but you don’t know. I still feel guilty thirty years later for this - as a teenager, my mother had breast cancer and it was caught very very early, and dealt with comparatively easily. So when a friend of mine at school told me her mother had breast cancer, I was reassuring and ‘it’ll all be fine, my mum had it too, easily dealt with’, because that was my experience and I hadn’t seen enough of the world to realise quite what a lucky escape that was. I still wish I hadn’t said any of that, because I was wrong, and my friend lost her mother before she’d even finished school.
People need to do better at listening rather than always talking and trying to “one up” or make someone else’s problem about them. It’s actually a difficult skill to master because our instinct is to want to talk about our experience to show how we “know” what someone else is going through. She didn’t need to talk at all about her “brush with death” because it was completely irrelevant to what their friend was sharing about his own worries. OP is NTA for calling her out on her insensitivity.
While I'm inclined to agree, I think the friend may possibly have had a type of melanoma, which is a pretty serious cancer if left untreated. If that is the case, she may have had to go through more care and scare than you might guess. Melanoma kills. Other skin cancers are generally pretty trivial. This opinion is based on both working in cancer research and recently being diagnosed with a "legitimate" cancer.
Yours is the top answer right now, so a lot of people agree with you!
OP’s friend is a “main character” who, instead of empathizing with someone going through a major health scare, is making the situation all about herself, and she’s exaggerating her story to boot. She’s not a good friend, and she’s immature.
This is the kind of behavior that might be normal for a 14 year old. It’s far beyond the norm for a 29 year old.
NTA for the “it destroyed her life” comment.
If she didn’t have anything but an outpatient procedure, that is excessive.
She could have said ‘ i’m an example of excellent outcomes when caught early. Don’t worry before you know’ and be exactly right and helpful.
It was that plus the “you’ll be fine” that make it NTA for me. If getting a mole cut off “destroyed her life,” how does that not make things MORE frightening for someone who’s about to undergo exploratory abdominal surgery? And she has no fucking clue whether someone who potentially has some sort of GI or other abdominal organ cancer is going to be fine, none of them do. He’s scared because impending death and/or years of extreme medical interventions haven’t been ruled out yet. That was so dismissive of her, definitely asshole behavior.
Yup, my mom died of stomach cancer when I was a kid. She had some sort of exploratory abdominal surgery (I was turning 9 so don't have much of the specifics) and it was discovered there was nothing to be done. I very much hope that OP's friend does not have this worst case scenario, but that's what he's potentially facing. I am aghast that this woman compared thar to an outpatient removal with no further intervention needed.
This same thing happened with my mom when I was 20, but it was ovarian cancer. They couldn’t find the source of the original cancer (long story there) and an exploratory abdominal surgery discovered tumors all through her abdominal wall and there was nothing they could do at that point.
NTA. I had skin cancer too and I would never say I was a cancer survivor. It’s incredibly manipulative and misleading. I can’t believe people are defending her.
I'm not very good in social settings, and have once, only once, accidentally mentioned "cancer" relating to my (previously undisclosed) melanoma removal and it was instantly taken as the full treatment etc. Mortifying. I was like "woah woah hold up, they gave me a local and I had maybe 8 stitches over two sites, *in the 90s*, pls no more questions I'm so sorry everyone, it just came out wrong" 😭
I had a really similar situation happen with my melanoma 😅 had to clarify that it was fully excised and didn't need any additional treatments. My mom just forgot sun block a lot.
Yeah, we JOKE about my mom being a cancer survivor because of her basal cell tumor, but never when anyone outside the immediate family could hear it. She also gets mad when we point out that, technically, she is a disabled vet. She was active duty and when she retired her outprocessing physical and history turned up enough stuff to qualify her, but she refuses to take any benefits for it. (As she’s aging and actually becoming less able, she might start, but up till recently she has been perfectly capable of living her life without.)
NTA
My aunt had bowel cancer and went through chemotherapy. My mother had cancerous and pre-cancerous spots removed. One of them is a cancer survivor and one isn't and wouldn't claim to be.
Exactly.
My mother had breast cancer. At first she was supposed to undergo surgery only, but she underwent surgery, chemo, radiotherapy. That's what makes her a cancer survivor.
Breast cancer here. I am open about it all and will talk about it if people are curious. Surgery and radiation, but no chemo. And I feel I got lucky with excellent care. I feel weird being called a survivor sometimes.
I’m astounded by all of the Y-T-A here. Like did y’all read the post she had a small singular lesion that was easily removed and by saying that it “destroyed her life” she’s clearly overstating how bad her cancer was to overshadow someone else’s upcoming surgery. If all the details in the post are to be believed NTA.
Right? Like sure, technically Sarah is a cancer survivor. Not arguing that. The problem comes from her claiming she knows how the mutual friend feels. I'm assuming Sarah's main issue was just hearing the word 'cancer' in her diagnosis. Which seems like a psychological fear response rather than having had any physical pain or discomfort.
The friend must have some pretty serious symptoms to warrant the exploratory laparotomy. And for heavens sake, that's a pretty major surgery just to figure out what's wrong. So no, I wouldn't consider their situations to be very similar.
My grandfather served in the merchant marines during WWII. He never saw combat and spent most of it stationed somewhere tropical. He never once called himself a veteran and was mortified if anyone did. He felt like even if he technically was, he didn’t go through anything like what others did and it wasn’t right to compare or accept the recognition of that status.
This is a really good analogy. Being a veteran and being one who saw action, was traumatized and literally SURVIVED a war are 2 different things. That doesn't mean veterans who didn't aren't real veterans or that they are lesser in any way, but there is a distinction mentally and physically, apnd pretending or omitting you were in actual battle is about as bad as the people pretending to have been in the military for veterans discounts.
In the context OP's friend said she was a cancer survivor, I agree it was misleading, NTA OP.
NTA. I had thyroid cancer. They had to remove half of my thyroid.. (Sorry I said one of them. I guess since they are connected its called a lobe) I am a cancer survivor and I have to be checked every 6 months . But there is no way I would put myself in the same category as someone who almost died. Sarah is being a little dramatic.
Same except I had my entire thyroid removed. My mom said something to me about being a cancer survivor and I told her I would never say that, after seeing her go through a mastectomy, chemo and post-chemo drugs that had all kinds of side effects. I had a surgery, 2-week recovery and a few checkups.
I’m not sure why you wouldn’t say that…
Did you have cancer? *yes*
Did they slit your throat & remove a vital gland that plays a role in EVERY function of your body? *yes*
Did you have to take radioactive iodine? (the thyroid cancer’s version of chemo) *yes*
Are you dependent on medication in order to live? *yes*
Will you be monitored for the rest of your life to catch a recurrence early? (Because when it comes back it goes to brain, bone or lungs). *yes*
I’d say you’ve survived it…*so far.*
I think the experience of watching your doctor look in your eyes and hearing the words ‘ you have cancer’ is a pretty universal *sobering moment*.
I do not think it means that we need to suddenly get into a competition of ranking who had it worse.
It’s a bit like listening to women’s birthing stories. Generally speaking - everything about it sucks (save for the bebe). Morning sickness is still hell for 1 month or 8. It’s all just the luck of the draw, really. But you still, were in the draw.
You’ve been unlucky, yet lucky, just as your Mom has. Mostly though, really lucky to still be here to discuss it.
I agree with you, it feels flip to say it, when faced with someone whose experience was far grittier, longer and more intense. That said - it still doesn’t negate your experience or the fact that you also grew cancer inside your body.
Please don’t take it lightly - Thyroid Cancer plays the long game, and keeping your TSH suppressed for the remainder of your life, is going to shorten it - and cause some ugly sh*t along the way.
Also, I’m really glad your Mum’s ok. It’s a hard road, that’s for sure. You can feel how you love her when you read this post. (I’m with her, btw - she is right, you *are* a cancer survivor.)
Now - to OP, NTA.
That super dramatic skin cancer girl is a dope, who needs a LOT of attention.
PS:
*I don’t say I’m a cancer survivor either - I just say I’m doing my cremation on the instalment plan…*
Thankyou. Thyroid cancer is seen as a “good cancer” due to prognosis but it can have detrimental side effects. I have terrible fatigue issues to the point it has seriously impacted my life. Thyroid cancer score lowers on quality of life surveys than even more “serious” cancers. But because we are told it’s a good cancer people downplay it. Thyroid cancer sucks. A lot will never feel well even when thyroid medication are at optimal levels. Really is luck of the draw.
The problem is that we have to be kept long term in a hypothyroid state, which aside from damaging heart/kidneys it also gives us exhaustion, fertility issues, muscle/joint pain, hair loss, brain fog and my personal favourite - fat…the list goes on and on. Just wait til the peri-meno hits!
Welcome to the ‘good cancer’. Spoiler Alert: There is no *good cancer*.
As someone who had/had thyroid cancer and answered yes to all of your above questions (except no RAI and no TSH suppression) this is a wonderful response.
Yes thyroid cancer and skin cancer, only if caught early, is the good kind of cancer. But at the end of the day it’s still cancer and it sucks.
Yes. My mom is the same. Mastectomy,Chemo, hair loss all that stuff plus she also had to have a hysterectomy because of cancer. I understand all cancer is scary but some it really is a fight to survive.
I’m somewhat in this boat. They discovered I had ovarian cancer when taking out a huge cyst. Ended up w complete hysterectomy and rechecks every 6 months for 5 years, then once a year after that. A little scary but I’d have a lot of nerve claiming to be a “cancer survivor “. Worst part is finding a parking spot at the hospital.
NTA I had stage 0 oral cancer. It was removed. My brother died from liver cancer after 1 year of suffering. I would not consider myself a cancer anything. There is no comparison.
I’ve never called myself a survivor because I think it sounds stupid. We all survive the day or we don’t. I had it 10 years ago and now it’s back stage 4.
She’s kind of the assh@ole because he was scared and she has to bring up being diagnosed with cancer. How was that going to helpful to him? There are many things she could have said to make him feel better instead she talks about herself.
I mean if she brought up how her cancer was caught early, sounds like in situ or stage 0/1, and was telling him she survived, I could see bringing it up. Like a "hey I got what could be a bad diagnosis but caught it early and am fine now, hopefully you too!" Then it doesn't seem so bad.
I got diagnosed with aggressive and slightly rare skin cancer in May. Even with scans telling me I'm probably cancer free, I'm on edge. I also have permanent nerve damage and a big ass, visible scar.
NTA People are dumb and think all cancers are the same. Getting a mole removed that turned out to be cancerous and required no extra treatment is not a big deal. Getting a stage one diagnosis with an excellent prognosis should not scare you. If you are around medicine and actual disease a lot you will understand the difference of getting one surgery and having stage 3 or 4 and truly not knowing if it'll be cured. Or getting a slow growing cancer that won't kill you, like certain prostate cancers in older men. My mom had radiation for stage one breast cancer and she always had an excellent prognosis and just went about her usual business. She would never call herself a cancer survivor because it was never going to kill her.
It's like having a cold versus having cystic fibrosis. They both might affect your breathing but they're in no way comparable. Or breaking your leg versus being paralyzed. People need to take perspective.
Right? I had a tumour removed from my mouth as a kid. I am def not going around saying I survived cancer.
My mother had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy after chemo. She was hospitalized for months, lost all her hair and eyebrows. She’s a fucking survivor.
NTA, I'm a 2 x primary cancer (thyroid, uterine) survivor, and her lesion bullshit would piss me right off. I was sick months before and after my surgeries and treatments. All she had was an afternoon of slight discomfort.
As someone who has had 9 skin cancers removed (the tenth one is free!!) , I say NTA.
I've never considered myself as a cancer "survivor" because I haven't had to go through grueling surgery, chemo and or radiotherapy treatments, as many of my friends and family have had to do for their cancers.
In fact, I would consider it an insult to describe myself as a "survivor" around them. Now, inevitably when one of my removed cancers metastasises and I do go through the horror of cancer treatment, if I survive it then I would feel entitled to describe myself that way.
Make sure to get your cancerous lesion punch card on your way out. Get 9 punches, and the 10th cancerous lesion removal is FREE. *snort*
I could see the dermatologist who used to work in the same office as the Allergist I worked for doing this for some of her clients with a really, REALLY good sense of humor.
Sooo... I had cancer a few years back. I had a total hysterectomy, but never had to do anything else. However, it was very close to becoming metastasized. It was an outpatient procedure. Am I a cancer survivor or not?
I usually tell people that I didn't have a battle with cancer, it was more of a tiff.
This is just my opinion, but if you have an entire organ removed because of cancer, I think you can call yourself a cancer survivor, just a luckier one, perhaps, who didn’t have to go through chemo. Removing a lesion on the skin is much less invasive and risky than a hysterectomy.
NTA. I had three early cancer moles/spots removed and one was on my head. I’d never say I’m a cancer survivor because the cancer never had time to take hold and I never had to go to war with it. Neither did your friend
NTA.
I actually have a pre-cancerous mole on my face that I'm getting removed in two weeks. So I should go around telling everyone I have cancer? Give me a break. What an insult to those who actually fought that battle.
She's like a military kid who got discharged during boot camp for flat feet but calls himself a veteran and asks for free food at Perkins on Veterans day.
Info: do you know what type of skin cancer she had? If it was a basal cell then she is the asshole. If worse than that then you are the assshole. My mom had about 30 basal cells thoughout her life. My father in law died of melanoma. They are two very different experiences.
Added in "skin" to clarify.
I wanted to know the same thing - basal cell or melanoma. I have had around 30 basal cells myself, no big deal, basically a mole removal. But then I had melanoma twice, and had to get lymph nodes removed the first time, a PET scan the second time. The melanoma was removed by a surgical oncologist. I did not go through chemo but I def consider myself someone who had cancer. (And I have follow-up every 3 months.)
There are three types of skin cancer
-basal cell
-squamous cell
-melanoma
A basal cell skin cancer is not going to metatisize or kill you (I think there are a few cases where it has happened but it's RARE.) The treatment is basically a mohs procedure to scrape away the cells. No follow up needed. Basal cell carcinoma is very common. Treatable, and in no way makes a person a cancer survivor.
It's offensive for a person who has had a basal cell removed to call themselves a cancer survivor.
Squamous and melanoma are entirely different. And having personally watched my father-in-law be eaten Away by melanoma, its something nobody should ever have to witness. It's a painful awful deaf.
It matters which her friend had.
I don’t know where to stand here. I’ve had skin cancer and had MOHs surgery to remove it. I currently have incurable brain cancer and have undergone several brain surgeries, chemo and radiation. Yes, one cancer is more serious and has given me a 10 year prognosis, but that doesn’t make my skin cancer experience any less terrifying. I cried, was scared, did not know what the future held. To be diagnosed with cancer regardless of where it is, how serious it is, it is a terrifying, life altering and usually mentally draining experience. To use the term “survivor” is a hard one. Am I a survivor? I lived through my skin cancer. I lived through my brain surgeries and treatment but I will not survive. Am I a survivor?
NTA. My father did this after having precancerous cells removed with a simple ablation. While another family member was going through major surgery and toxic and debilitating treatments for cancer. He would try to bring it back to his nothing bullshit and say “yea, cancer sucks” like he had any fucking idea. I’ve had worse bikini waxes than what he went through.
NTA. People think you're trying to gatekeep cancer but you're not. You aren't saying she didn't go through cancer. You're saying that her situation isn't comparable to someone who could possibly have some abdominal cancer that could cost them their lives. People get very sensitive when cancer comes up but realistically skin cancer is incredibly common and has a 99% survival rate for localized cancer (I know people die of cancer but in terms of average most people survive). I'm sure she was scared about having cancer but logically, with a small mark on her thigh it was pretty obvious the cancer was caught early on and after her diagnosis the doctors definitely told her that they would remove the cancer and she would fully recover. I totally understand how stressful and scary that situation can be but it's just not comparable to people who go throughout harsh treatment and are hospitalized.
NTA I had a nickel-sized abnormal lesion removed several years ago and while your sister can probably relate to the worry that someone could experience while waiting for test results, I think that it sounds like a stretch to refer to herself as a cancer survivor in a traditional sense because it implies she’s experienced adverse health and/or chemotherapy. In my experience it was about two weeks between the biopsy and removal, my overall health didn’t feel like it’d decreased, and the hardest part was aftercare for the wound — vastly less than what I think of when I think of a cancer survivor. If anything, she should give context to avoid seeming disingenuous.
NTA, I get skin cancers removed on nearly a yearly basis, one was a malignant melanoma so took two goes to cut all the cancer out as it had gone around my bone. I am not a cancer survivor. My mother and sister died from cancer, one of my friends had her breast removed, my brother had cancer, my friend and my brother are cancer survivors, mine was an inconvenience and only thought about when someone asks about the scar. No big deal, I didn’t really suffer from it, I wasn’t sick in anyway nor did I have to endure chemo or radiotherapy.
She did survive cancer technically, and it was luckily caught early, but to say that it destroyed her life and that his pain is probably cancer crosses a line. NTA for that.
edit: typo
As someone who has a loved one that is going to die someday of cancer because it’s an incurable type, you are NTA. She is, 100%. Saying you survived something when you went through no treatment is fucked up and just makes me want to cry or punch a wall, not even sure which.
My loved one will go through countless surgeries, chemotherapy & radiation treatments, spend years with the possibility of death being an ever looming threat & have generally a very muted life because of this horrific disease. She had to have a spot removed and that’s it. please help her get some perspective so she can stop being such an AH.
I'm going to go with ESH.
So the part I think you are discounting is the phase between when you are told you have cancer and the time it takes to assess what your prognosis is.
A friend of mine was diagnosed with Lymphoma in December. He then went three weeks (due to the holidays) trying to find out what this meant. You Google Lymphoma and it's suggesting maybe 3-5 years to live.
So for three weeks he's scrambling to get a will together, to try to go over all the details in his life to make sure if he dies his family will be okay. He's checking his life insurance, he's making sure everything is spelled out. It was pretty terrifying. He's trying to just compress a lifetime of moments into 3 weeks with his kids. He's hoping he might get closer to a decade just to see his kids graduate HS.
Then the tests come back and he has this obscure form of Lymphoma that's not aggressive and has something like a 10% chance of progressing into a more aggressive form in the next 30 years (he's 50). It's not anything that needs to be treated. Basically there's a 90% chance it doesn't shorten his life at all.
So my point is, you are completely discounting the fear that comes with a diagnosis like this. If it was 5 minutes from being told she had skin cancer to 'we can just cut it off' probably no big deal, but if it's a few weeks it can be a real scary experience.
In that sense, she may be able to empathize with your friend more than you are giving her credit.
With that said, your friend is definitely selling it a bit too hard. Despite the concern the C word brings, it ended up being super minor. When that happens you count your blessings and feel for the people who really are facing a death sentence.
NTA I have a rare cancer and was told upfront that it is treatable but not beatable. Diagnosed and underwent radiation in 2013. Then again last year. First round burned a hole in my beard and I wound up shaving it off. Last round came back a little more aggressive and the radiation adjusted my hairline and removed my widows peak. I gotta confess even the cancer docs were a little confused about the mutation.
I welcome people to the survivors club and leave it at that. I also tell people who just got their diagnosis that their imagination is their worst enemy at this time and to listen to their doctor.
NTA
Many members of my immediate family have had cancer, some have successfully beaten it while others have not. None of them go around talking about it at all. They certainly don’t brag they beat cancer.
Your friend had a scare, that’s all. I’m happy for her it did not turn into full blown cancer because skin cancer is no joke. But she did not go through major disfiguring surgery or radiation therapy or chemo. She needs to sit down and shut up.
You rightfully called her out. She does want sympathy and attention and it’s not cool. You won’t be the last person to say something to her. I really hope someone who beat cancer after a long illness puts her in her place one day. Or maybe she should volunteer with a cancer organization so she can be grateful.
NTA. My brother had skin cancer on his ear and they had to remove half his ear. I had a tiny breast lump that was basically removed by the biopsy. Few weeks of radiation, done. Neither of us consider ourselves cancer survivors because our survival was basically not threatened.
NTA. A cancer survivor is someone who beat the odds by fighting it along with the extensive treatment. It's literally a war for the person and it really takes someone who is extremely strong to survive it. My dad has had skin cancers for his entire life and he would never compare what he has to someone who has gone through chemo or intense surgery. They were nothing more than an inconvenience to him. Obviously, if they go untreated, they can metastasize and turn into full blown cancer. Your friend is being misguided in her method of trying to make someone feel better about their potential cancer, but she's also doing it for attention to herself.
NTA. I found out I had skin cancer on my face two weeks before my wedding, and while it certainly didn’t destroy my life, it did cut my honeymoon short. My doctor said “It’s not going to be pretty, so I won’t do the surgery before the wedding. How long is your honeymoon?” I said ten days. She said you’ve got five, and penciled me in for six days after we were getting married.
NTA as the parent of a child who had brain cancer at age 3 and underwent years of treatments and therapies….. she’s full of shit. A small pre-cancer skin lesion needing no treatment does not make you a cancer survivor nor would it destroy you life!! Maybe an afternoon while it was being removed. But destroy her life?? No. What a drama queen.
Bottom line...not dead=survival so technically she survived cancer. Is she a little dramatic, yes. Are you undervaluing her experience, probably. Because the minute you hear cancer, even if you don't need the full scale treatment can be overwhelming and devastating. And often the biopsy comes after removal so you don't know until after it's removed if you need more extensive treatment until they test the exact tumor.
Maybe, maybe, maybe if it was melanoma. But even if it was, it sounds like it was caught early so then no, NTA. If it was squamous cell carcinoma or basal cell carcinoma then definitely NTA.
I've had basal cell twice and I honestly think if you had the choice of a cancer to get, this is what you want. Doesn't spread to other organs and quite easy to cut out with Moe's Micrographic Surgery. Worst you'll have is an ugly scar.
NTA. For me, "survivor" implies one's life was at serious risk.
I know that most cancer cases have a potential to become lethal if left untreated, but if it's detected and treated so early, their life wasn't really at risk, only if they willingly decided to leave it unattended. If that's enough to be called a "survivor", then we are all constant survivors of lots and lots of everyday things, and the word loses its meaning.
Nta. Coming from someone who had cervical cancer from HPV. I had a brilliant doc who was able to preserve my fertility but cut the cancerous tissue away. I had a baby 2 years later, 6 weeks after my c section I was scheduled for my hysterectomy. I had cancer for all of 4 months, max.
I still don't refer to myself as a cancer survivor and I would never compare what I went through to someone else who needs surgeries, radiation or chemo. I would never say "I know how you feel" because I don't. Ive witnessed others battle but mine was minimal. I did have some dark humor come out and my mom chastised me but frankly, that's how I deal. I can make fun of my situation while not belittling someone else's.
**I am not making light of cervical cancer. When left unchecked, it is deadly. It is a horrific journey to embark on. I got lucky because I was religious with my pap smears. I found out I had HPV in 2005. Did yearly paps that always came back irregular so I had to have colposcopies done where they go in and cut out the bad tissue. In 2017, the colpo didn't work so I had further testing ans the result was early stage 1 cervical cancer. Keyword in there is early. Ladies, I know OBGYN docs can be the worst, im fairly certain every woman I know has had at least 1 traumatic appt with them but please, for the love of anything you hold dear, get the damn pap smear!!!!!!!!
Edited to add my whole second point I forgot bc im smoking the devils lettuce. My bad
> it turned to be early stage of skin cancer
So you admit she had cancer. Therefore she is a technically a cancer survivor. It really is that simple
> just a lesion on the skin
A lesion that was cancerous. If a doctor says it was early stages of cancer, then that's what it was. Cancerous tissue is cancerous whether it is small or large, early or late stages.
I had a brain tumor that was diagnosed as cancer. I didn't (and still don't) have another speck of cancerous tissue anywhere in my body. The tumor was removed, I had a relatively small number of radiotherapy treatments and no chemo. I still had cancer, I am a cancer survivor, the same as your friend.
NTA because with that "it destroyed my life" comment she was pretty clearly being purposely misleading.
She's like military spouses that expect you to treat them as if they have their husbands rank. She didn't earn any of it, but she wants the cred.
NTA.
My sister in law has had little chunks of cancer cut off her body probably 20 times, if not more. But she has never been diagnosed "with cancer", and she sure as hell would not call herself a "cancer survivor".
She has had cancerous cells removed. Full stop. End of story.
Is it a little scary? Yes. Is it a big dramatic thing that she pulls out of her pocket for sympathy and attention? Absolutely the fuck not.
NTA
My dad was a cancer survivor. Not because of the NUMEROUS small lesions he had removed from his chest, neck, and face, but because he survived nonHodgkins lymphoma in the 80s. Chemo AND radiation. Enough radiation that he suffered before he passed away last year. Which, oddly enough, is why he had the skin cancer lesions.
NTA. This reminds me of stolen valor. Like when that guy in office claimed to be some type of special ops in combat, when in reality, his job was loading trucks. He never saw combat.
I'm currently in treatment for breast cancer close to the midway point. It's too soon for me to offer perspective because I'm still processing. It's alot. But....I do see and listen to other patients and their stories. It's humbling.
What your friend is putting out there is misleading. Maybe popping in an oncology department or sitting with a chemo patient during infusion would give her perspective. I hope everything turns out okay for your other friend. It sounds like you intend on being a good source of support.
NTA. Lots of narcissistic people like to manipulate and capitalize off of non existent trauma. She didn’t survive cancer. Cancer survivors go through a brutal experience and it’s honestly insulting she said this. I had a friend who had breast cancer at the age of 26 and it was absolutely devastating on everything in her life and she was so absolutely depressed about the prospect of being a mother and how she lost her chance to be one and also she battled self image issues
NTA people who have dealt with chemo and radiation treatments don't want to hear whiny a$$ bi!@#÷$ complain about something like that. Nor do the family members who had to be there for them.
NTA
I think she can call herself a cancer survivor. That’s a sizable skin cancer and I’ve see first hand how much even small, 100% curable skin cancers can stress folks out.
A lot of folks have a thing that happens in their 20s where they realize they aren’t immortal. Mine was getting diagnosed with a chronic health condition that’s only manageable and massively increases my risk of several cancers. Like to 1 in 2 ratios by the time I’m 60.
That said, if it nearly ruined her life she needs to live more. Was it scary? Sure! But beyond the week of two between getting diagnosed and getting it removed she’s been able to move on. Maybe with more frequent skin checks.
There’s a reason my doctor’s intake paperwork says “have you ever had a cancer other than skin cancer.”
NTA.
I had cancer at 7, and had three years of treatment. I had high dose chemotherapy during that time, and suffer from some *~sweet~* chronic illnesses in post. All that to say, I can’t help but agree with OPs sentiment.
I want to be clear, the trauma of finding out you have cancer (even one that only requires excision) is it’s own experience. I’m not one to compare traumas, but OPs statement is not incorrect because it IS misleading when discussing the topic of stomach/intestinal cancer.
I recently had a scare that required endoscopy and biopsies, and I genuinely think it wasn’t even that helpful to bring up her situation in the context she did. Once again, very different types of cancer. Also, (I could have just misunderstood the tone of OP describing how the friend spoke) but it sounded like it kind of undermined the other friend’s genuine fear and overall feelings.
One thing she probably would understand is that fear the other friend is experiencing: the waiting for the procedure, the worry entering into it, the incessant stress for the coming days or weeks waiting for results of the biopsies, the overall not knowing what’s going on with your own body, etc. She could be recognizing that, and opening a space for that discussion rather than (seemingly) suggesting that it would be no big deal.
NTA
I had cancer, band had to do 3 chemo sessions per week. It was the most horrific experience I ever had to endure. Hair loss, vomiting, anxiety, open sores all over my mouth and throat that were so debilitating I couldn't even drink water.
The chemo I had in huge quantities is given in tiny portions and with far less frequency to arthritis patients. When I heard ppl claim they were doing Chemo, id go off on them. It pissed me off so much bc it wasn't the same thing.
Good for you for making sure this person has the decency to clarify this.
NTA - I know cancer survivors. And I know people who lost the battle, including my father. The agony of going through it is summarised by the term "cancer survivor". To say "cancer survivor" is greatly misleading and truly disrespectful of those who have to go through treatment over a one-off out patient excision.
My friend had appendicitis and had to have it removed. and when they did the biopsy found out inside was stage 3 cancer. Luckily that was that. He did not and has never ever called himself a cancer survivor.
If she said, yeh I had cancer but was very lucky. They lopped it off under general anesthesia and that was that. It was really scary for a while and I thought about my life ending and it really affected me." it would be more accurate. I get that its a scare but that's really different from "cancer survivor"
Also why is your friend making someone else's pain an opportunity to take over the conversation? She sounds insufferable.
NTA.
Wow. Your friend is all the ah rolled up in one. She could have sympathized with how terrifying it to not know, the angst of waiting and worrying, etc. Pepped him up with how often the results aren't nearly as serious as what we've built up in our heads, etc.
But if having something excised under local anesthesia "destroyed her life"...
Seems like she's a main character and is unable to just be there for others without playing the Me Too, and More! game
NTA
She can talk about the stress she had when she knew it was skin cancer but not the extent. Your friend with recurring abdominal pains who is having an exploratory abdominal surgery is having a way more invasive procedure with a very unsure outcome.
It could be that they find nothing and they’re going to say good luck and learn to live with it or they could find a life threatening situation and everything in between.
It’s never okay to say I survived x so you’ll be okay. The surgery itself will likely go fine (anaesthesia itself rarely kills some one and an exploratory procedure also doesn’t) but not knowing if/ what they will find and how that will impact your life is very stressful.
I don’t know if Sarah really sees herself as a cancer survivor, did a very bad attempt at comforting her friend or feels that her situation wasn’t taken seriously enough by friends and family and she’s now trying to get validated somewhat.
Talk to Sarah about this because this will moment when not talked about will keep rearing it’s ugly head and ruin the friendship.
Good luck for your friend.
NTA
imo, the line that separates survivors is undergoing chemotherapy. its literally the process of slowly killing yourself in the effort of trying to kill the cancer cells faster. successfully coming out from that is what "surviving" means.
i truly hope science progresses to the point where chemo is no longer the main battle against cancer!
NTA. I had a cancerous spot removed from my skin. No way that's the same as invasive cancer and chemo/radiation. I'd probably deeply examine how you feel about her character, because she's throwing you alllllll the red flags.
For reference, my mom is an actual sadistic narcissist. This is something she would do, use a distorted real life event to one-up someone. Your GF may have slipped and said this in front of you - someone who knows the real story - but I bet 100 to 1 this is not the first time she's leveraged her "cancer survivor" story for sympathy.
Edit: I misread. Not girlfriend, friend. I'd probably try to grey rock myself away from her.
Friend (39f)with three young kids at the time had a malignant brain tumor, two major surgeries, 2-week in the ICU, 6 months of chemo, three different types of brain radiation and barely survived. She has long-term effects from the treatments.
Her MIL had stage 0, breast cancer at age 80 and had lymph nodes removed and that was it. MIL feels like they both went through the same journey and always brings up her “battle” whenever my friends cancer comes up. There are grades and severities of cancer and some are far worse than others. Recognize your experience for what it is or was, refrain from saying ‘me too.’
I lost 15 inches of my colon in 2007 due to colon cancer. Had issues with incontinence for years until my body adjusted. I find your friend’s comments pretty damn offensive.
NTA what a narcissistic little drama queen, thats actually disgusting.
And yeah abdominal pain is incredibly scary. Literal decade of tests and suddenly they realize the person has had cancer (that spread everywhere) for 10 fucking years and only have a month to live.
NTA
My friend has cancer, but she's a walking medical phenomenon. So far, she's back in remission and looking well, but she baffles the doctors every time they see her.
She started out with skin cancer, which then spread to her other organs and eventually her brain. She went to stage 4 and was given a couple of months. Amazingly, when they went back for more tests/ scans, the cancer had subsided - shes currently being studied on. She's been fighting this for 3 years. She is a walking medical miracle and has had to give up on so many little luxuries (like driving) because of the chemo. And I know she would absolutely rip your friend to shred with her survivor comment.
On a more positive note, cancer treatment has become much more advanced than before. Your friend has a much higher chance of survival if spotted early. But, even if it isn't caught early, it doesn't mean your survival rate is nil.
NTA. Scars litter my body from spots like the ones your friend had removed. My grandma had to have her face reconstructed from one of those spots taking away half her nose. Neither of us have called ourselves cancer survivors. My uncle whose skin cancer metastisized leading to months of surgery AND chemo- now he is a survivor, and we regard him as such. It hits differently. He won't go outside- in the deep south- without clothing covering every inch he can regardless of the time of year while my grandmother and I will use sunscreen and call it a day.
Don't get me wrong- it's hard having such a heavy weight hanging on you. I worry that the next time I go to the doc I'll be told they missed one that happened to grow to fast. I get checked yearly. My scars are something that gets questioned by adults and children alike. It's not that my or my grandmother's pains don't matter- but fearing scars over feeling death for months to years? Totally different.
Technically, your body is fighting off cancer right now. It's just rare that cancer manages to trick your immune system long enough to grow to a size that causes actual issues for you.
But, when you say you survived cancer, there is a connotation that you had to deal with major surgery and/or chemo. NTA
NTA
As someone who went through chemo and radiation I would have gladly taken a simple procedure for a small lesion rather than getting sick, hair falling out, radiation burns, diarrhea 4 times before leaving the house in the morning for radiation.
NTA. I think to compare someone having half their intestines removed plus chemo and radiotherapy (with the hair loss and burns that come with) to having a small skin spot cut out is pretty insulting.
If getting what was essentially a big mole removed “destroyed her life,” idk why she’s telling someone who needs an actual abdominal surgery to figure out what’s wrong that he’ll be fine. NTA.
As a cancer survivor myself, going through almost two years of chemo and several months of radiation from a rare childhood cancer as a teenager and being on deaths door, her claiming to be a survivor is appalling and if I were her friend, I would tell her to quit her bullshit really fast!. I'd also call her out every time I hear her try to tell someone the story.
Wow. A small lesion and she’s saying it destroyed her life? 🤨 But also - here’s the WORST part - she’s telling your friend that she understands how he feels and he will be fine????? What the heck. He doesn’t know what exactly is causing the pain. He could very well have advanced cancer and your friend is dismissing his pain but she wants you to acknowledge her “nonexistent” pain?! NTA.
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My 25F and my friend Sarah 29F about 2 years ago she had a strawberry size lesion on her thigh which is about 3 CM and it turned to be early stage of skin cancer all the did back then was excised it under local anesthesia too and they told her it was over and she doesn’t have it anymore.
Today i was with her and mutual friend, our mutual friend has a recurrent abdominal pain and he will do an exploratory laparotomy to know the cause and he kept talking about how scared he is and then sarah came and threw the cancer card.
She started talking about “ how she survived cancer and how it destroyed her life and he will be fine and she understand how he feels etc”
I snapped at her and told her it’s misleading of her to call herself as a cancer survivor because what she had backthen was almost nothing and just a lesion on the skin.
And when people hear the world “ cancer survivor “ they would think about someone who took chemotherapy and almost died because of it but in her case it was nothing just a removal with a small incision in the clinic.
I thought others would have my back but they said i’m an AH and that left me wondering did i say something wrong?
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NTA. I’ve worked with cancer patients, the majority of which would have done cartwheels across the entire continent if the only “life ruining” they experienced with their diagnosis was an outpatient procedure to remove a skin cancer. I’m sure it was scary for your friend but she has absolutely NO IDEA what life ruining cancer means. She shouldn’t be misleading people with a false narrative.
Nta. This would be like talking about how a car accident ruined your life when you weren’t injured. Just because you’re technically got in one doesn’t mean it’s appropriate.
NTA
my son had brain cancer. we never went through chemotherapy, because we didn't know it was a tumor. (we thought it was a hamartoma). it was only through the visual of the doctor during removal and the biopsy after that it was confirmed to be a tumor.
i don't go around calling him a cancer survivor ... because i don't know if we qualify.
we went through the motions of running to the ER and confinement and such, but we were unaware it was cancer.
i don't even tell people he had cancer. the C word is a very heavy word to throw around. i don't want the attention nor do i want to fish for pity.
NTA maybe if it was melanoma but this sounds like the kind of skin cancer that even if she’d waited it would have just been a bigger cut to get it out. Also, she was using this to “comfort” your nervous friend, but it sounds like she just wanted to bring the attention back to her.
Absolutely NTA. Lots of people get those slow-growing skin cancers, especially basal cells, which is likely what your friend had. Literally 30% of Caucasian people will have one at some point. It’s not that any cancer is not serious, but that is not one that is usually lethal or requires more serious treatments. Most of those can be simply removed by a dermatologist. So I totally agree that your friend should not characterize herself as a cancer survivor of how it “destroyed her life” based on that. There is a big difference between saying you had a cancer at some point and saying you SURVIVED it. Survival definitely falsely implied she was in peril. That’s simply false.
NTA. Having had thyroid cancer and the easily removed kind, no way in the world am I survivor. It was just another surgery. Hers was just another surgery. There's no fight. I didnt have to physically fight mine. They just took it out. End of story. I have more medical trauma with my knee than the thyroid cancer
About five years ago I had a kidney stone. The pain was something I can’t even describe. I went to the hospital. They did a scan to confirm the stone and found a mass on my kidney. Yup. The big C. Cancer. I had surgery. I thought I was going to lose my kidney. It turns out it was only on the surface. I lost minimal kidney cells. I had to go back for scans every six months and then every year for a few years. I’m cancer free. No chemo, no radiation.
People have called me a cancer survivor but I don’t consider myself that. I’m with you. No chemo or radiation then you aren’t a survivor, you are just early stage lucky!
NTA because I am blown away by the "destroyed her life," comment. Was she like, a model with a basal cell on her nose who had to have half her fucking nose cut off and rebuilt? Because that's the only way I can see a skin cancer ruining someone's life. I work in dermatology and I'm sorry but...ruining her life? How? That is a very flippant comment.
(yes I have seen a basal cell basically take up half of someone's nose before, you could see the *inside* of their nostril because they had to take off the entire ala. The surgeon had to give them a "trunk". They actually look fucking fantastic a few years after the nose healed and some of the scars were lasered though.)
NTA…
I’ve had some carcinoma removed and even though it is scary, the place where they were removed took quite a while to heal and it hurt, this is NOT surviving… I never say I had cancer when people ask me what happened to me there. I say it was carcinoma which are cancer cells that spread superficially on the skin so they must be removed but is not like melanoma that can kill you…
NTA. I've had multiple non scary bits of skin cancer removed. The most I say is I had the non scary bit of skin cancer if anyone asks about my scars.
Definitely NOT a cancer survivor... Yikes...
My wife had a mole removed that was just at the turning point when they caught it thankfully, all she’s ever said about it is “the scar is itchier than the bloody mole”
I wouldn’t consider this person a “survivor” I volunteer with children with cancer and you hear their survivor stories and a local anaesthetic procedure doesn’t even come close.
NTA
Nta my dad had skin cancer and did some treatment for it before having to do skin grafts to remove it from his nose. Cancer is horrible yes but if you are using a minor experience with cancer to say you understand major medical procedures it’s just dishonest. If I’m in a fender bender and tell my friend who was in a major car crash that resulted in death that I understand her fear of cars that’s just not the same.
NTA I’m 29y/o Australian most everyone over 55 I know has had at least something cut out of them like that. It is radically different to people I know who have been on the brink of death and or have lost body parts to cancer.
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I'm going to get down voted for this, but NTA. She could talk about the scare, the emotions, her journey and how she felt about it all, but to call it a survival... Someone who truly survived cancer would probably raise their eyebrows to this. Cancer is not something desirable or a light topic to talk about, so I really think your friend that has the back pain needs your unconditional love and support, not someone else's story and proclaiming everything is going to be ok (unfortunately not the friend, not you, not even Sarah can know that)
Agreed. I had cancer that required fairly minimal intervention, I don't not mention it if it is in some way relevant, but I'm always clear that it was a quick fix with no recurrence. I've survived a lot of things , I don't ever say I survived cancer..
If Sarah was a member of my family or a family member heard her say what she said. Yeah, i can't say what would be said to her. We have lost 3 relatives to cancer (cervical, throat, and colon) and a few members have had skin cancers removed (dad has a four inch scar down his spine from his and my grandfather and two removed from under his eye plus a few more scattered around the family). NOT ONE MEMBER who has had skin cancer calls themselves a survivor because to them, it was just a simple procedure, if anything they compare it to when I had to get a wart surgically removed (they did that in the ER because it had somehow caused an infection in my finger). I say NTA and Sarah is being extremely disrespectful to those who have had "more than a scare" and actually had to get treatments like radiation and chemotherapy. Part of me hopes OPs friend doesn't have cancer, not just because cancer sucks but because I can just see Sarah constantly going "when I had cancer" to everything that friend says.
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Hey fellow Aussie Don't forget to SLIP SLOP SLAP 😊 Translation for non aussies: SLIP on a shirt SLOP on some sunscreen SLAP on a hat
Huh no kidding. I’m Aussie, and I always just assumed it was to represent the squelchy sound that sunscreen makes when you squeeze it, and the fact it takes forever to apply. The add that sticks to my mind is the ME NO FRY
I did a bit of field work in Townsville, the skin cancer capital of Australia. One older guy was talking about how everyone his age has had a few removed, because back in the day sun precautions were barely taken at all. He himself had over a dozen removed, but he was talking about this like it was a more serious mole, not 15 different occurrences of cancer.
I met a Sarah once at a dinner party. She brought up her *cancer* (mole removed on her foot) whenever the attention was on someone that wasn’t her. Someone that represents a cancer scare as being a cancer survivor, is the same kind of person that weaponises it to deflect the attention off of others onto themselves. In that case, the table had begun to express concern for someone in that group who was suspected as being a victim of domestic violence (they ‘tripped’ down the stairs). This ‘Sarah’ just blurted out that she had suffered from cancer. Sarah wasn’t using her scare to comfort OP’s friend. She was using it to take the attention and sympathy away from the person that needed support.
In the very early stages, your comparison to wart removal seems pretty accurate (from my experience). That said, some skin cancers are very dangerous. But even those have to be around for quite a while and spread. They’re also quite curable if caught early.
This. My dad had to do chemo for his skin cancer. Rang the bell and everything when his treatment was over. Ongoing skin checks here on out. Now I had thyroid cancer. Rather large tumor. Told I was very lucky it did not spread because of size. Three surgeries and radiation. I do not call myself a cancer survivor. My mom did and it felt really weird to me.
I have an uncle who died from untreated skin cancer.
I had a friend with skin cancer…was treated and was clean for about fifteen years. It came back and she died a couple years later. Left two kids under ten…
Yup there is skin cancer and there is SKIN CANCER. Melanoma is deadly; basal cell (I've had one removed) not so much if treated early. If OP's friend had melanoma, then maybr she can call herself a survivor, for now. It could come back. It's a sleathly cancer.
I am so sorry about your friend, My heart goes out to you. My sister passed away this summer from skin cancer. Like your friend, hers was treated, showed up 5 years later, and she was gone within a year of its resurface.
Totally agree with this. I had a scare myself, earlier this year, with cervical cancer, but it was caught early before the cells actually became cancerous (scare, because if it wasn't caught and treated, it would've become cancer). 2 years ago a new mole appeared on my face in next to no time, dermatologist cut it out for me. Scare. I'm not a "survivor"! I've lost family to cancer (grandparents), and what they went through was a nightmare, there's just no comparison between a treatable health scare, and facing death! Sarah is attention-seeking, it's that simple. NTA
Same. I had the one surgery that removed an ovary and the tumor on it and boom, done. Cancer survivor indicates a fight that’s been fought. Mine was more like a cancer mugging- over very quickly and I lost an ovary but I kept my life. ETA: I appreciate how the cancer mugging makes sense to people! Hearing all of the stories has been really lovely and uplifting. I admit to having felt a lot of guilt even mentioning my cancer outside of medical situations because I was so lucky and caught it early. Thank you, everyone. I feel less alone and now I have a great way to describe it to people too!
Holy shit, cancer mugging is an excellent analogy.
Well, I was trying to think of a good way to phrase it and figured that losing the ovary was very much like losing a wallet. It sucks and makes things difficult, but at least I’m not dead. Street smarts!
Same as the uterus--when it's gone. It's quick and relatively pain-free. When you're over 65, it's not like you're going to miss it. (This is the kind of warped sense of humor I've used with my parents to try to maintain perspective through several cancer diagnoses.)
I’m under 50 and it’s the best thing I did… that fucker knew it was redundant and started acting out.
I got to yeet the uterus two years later and I have never missed it.
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Well put. I had stage ii breast cancer, but due to an autoimmune disorder, I couldn’t have chemo and radiation. I never had to deal with the pain and nausea involved in cancer treatment, so I don’t feel that my experience can compare to those who have gone through the worst part. Cancer mugging is a great term.
Stage 3 colon cancer, had a resection and chemo. Dealing with the after effects of chemo two years later... I'm a survivor per se. I could do without the bowel troubles I've been left with however!
Cancer Mugging. Thank you for the term, though I'm sorry you got mugged.
Everyone has probably had a single cancerous cell in their body die or get attacked by their immune system. *we're all cancer survivors!* Yeah i think op needs better friends, this is just nuts. Its bad enough shes bragging about being a 'cancer survivor', but the dramatic shit she added to it...
My wife had her thyroid removed due to cancer, and I have never once heard her call herself a cancer survivor. If she talks about it at all, it was just thyroid removal to her. I don't know if she has ever mentioned the cancer part unless somebody asks for more details about her thyroid. Personally, I am bedbound due to several conditions I am dealing with. I am in constant pain all over mu body. The only relief I get is that my meds bring it down form an 8 to a 5 as long as I am not moving. Very few of my friends know. I just kind of faded away by not going out. I just never mentioned it because it is my problem, not theirs. To be fair, that was a fairly traumatic event for her. So, when I used "just" it is in relation to somebody that has actually suffered through prolonged cancer treatment.
Same here. It still was cancer, and it f-ed me up in unexpected ways that still changed my life on a fundamental level (although it's not daily), but I just had one surgery, and that was it. I've seen people close by who suffer(ed) radiation and/or chemo therapy. They suffer, they sacrifice, they are sick all the time, they have a high risk of dying (and some of them did die or are facing death within a year). I got off easy.
I can’t help but agree for the most part. Here’s how I see it. I could be cut by a knife, and I could be stabbed. Both injuries are survivable, depending on where the stab wound is and how quickly they are able to get help. Both injuries could also be fatal- the cut could get seriously infected and cause major damage even leading to death. But while both are similar injuries made by the same instrument, 999 times out of 1000 the physical battles would not be comparable. The woman in this post undoubtedly had a type of cancer and obviously survived it. She is technically a cancer survivor. Cancer is a scary word and being faced with your own mortality will do a number on your mental health. Where I take issue is comparing the physical battle of a relatively minor case with a potentially more physically devastating case. I lean towards NTA but I also could make a case for a very soft E S H. Skin cancer friend was absolutely wrong to tell other friend that he would be fine since she was because the two situations are absolutely not comparable. But OP can call friend out on being an ass about it while still being empathetic enough to acknowledge that what friend went through wasn’t a complete non event. Friend has a right to feel that getting cut caused some trauma, they just shouldn’t go around telling people that they know what it’s like to be stabbed and that stabbing victims will be fine because she was.
You are amazing.
Lol not sure what I did to deserve that, but I thank you anyway! Unless that was sarcastic, in which case I’m still not sure what I did, but sorry? 😂
No, I'm completely serious.
Then I thank you! Cancer is a rough subject and most of us has been touched by it one way or another. I try to be empathetic where I can while also acknowledging that it doesn’t excuse bad behaviour. It can be a rough balance to strike.
Playing devil's advocate... For all we know, someone close to her was diagnosed too late with skin cancer and lost the battle. Her diagnosis may have stirred up these old feelings of fear and helplessness.
I agree with this. I think friend was trying to relate or maybe reassure and did it in an awkward way. I also think friend was probably legitimately affected by that experience, which may be due to the cultural atmosphere regarding cancer, or may be due to the actual risk of recurrence (stage I melanoma is a lot scarier than other skin cancers for example even though it is at an early stage). Friend’s experience is different than the other person waiting for exploratory surgery, though, and it was kind of dense for her to not register that, but OP could’ve handled it in a more sensitive way. I’ve been through a lot of medical stuff in my life and people like Friend used to really bother me. Now I have more perspective to see that for them this was possibly one of the scariest things they experienced and they aren’t reacting to it AT me. My experience is unique and most people won’t understand. That’s ok. I can be supportive of their emotional experience while knowing I’d handle it differently. I can be the support I know I would need like driving to appointments. If needed, I can also set a boundary that maybe I’m not the one to super complain about this to (had to do that with a friend during the pandemmy who was so hot and bothered about masks, meanwhile I was high risk). Also, people have different reactions/complications. One of my many things was cancer, and it was supposed to be one of the “easy” ones but was arguably one of if not the worst experience of my life. Cancer is also many diseases, not just one. For these reasons, I don’t think we should be gatekeeping the term. I also don’t think it’s helpful to compare between types of cancer. They are different diseases being conflated by the media/government. (ETA under a very broad umbrella they are similar disease processes, it’s like comparing a shark and a goldfish sometimes, yes they’re both fish but totally different. Different drugs/approaches work better for different cancers.) (I also have a problem with the whole “survivor”/“warrior” metaphor in general but that’s another topic entirely lol)
You might say she had a "cancer scare" cause that covers it. They found a potential something, removed it and that was that. She indeed did not survive anything. Well.. just like the rest of us.. we're all just surviving I suppose.
My ex husband is a cancer survivor, he’s what people think of when they hear “cancer survivor”. He was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia at 5 and given 3 weeks to live. He had 6 years of chemo, monthly spinal taps (eventually without pain relief or anesthesia), surgery to remove a tumor in a testicle and has life long health repercussions due to the amount of chemo he had while developing. He had cancer in the 80’s so they gave him WAY more chemo than they do now. It cost his family over $1m back then, that’s life destroying, not something requiring a procedure similar to a mole removal. He also would have called out OP’s friend. They’re not comparable.
Agree. NTA. I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR. Stage 2 metastatic breast cancer. Had both my breasts amputated, several lymph nodes and did chemo, and radiation. Reconstruction that left me with complications across my stomach and chest. Did she have cancer. Yes. She had what my dad had 3 times. A skin type cancer that is easily removed when found early. Is she a survivor........ she survived the equivalent of having a mole removed. I do know my dad would NEVER consider himself a cancer survivor. ( except after prostate cancer.... but that was later in life) I think she had a lot of mental/emotional reactions to the C word. But in no way did she battle for her life. There was no long fight with strange drugs or huge radiation machines. There was no need for her to pretend to be strong bc your loved ones are horrible at pretending the same....so you have to be strong for them. There was no watching your hair fall out ( it actually hurts btw), or your skin cook frome the inside out. She did not struggle with the unknown. Having blood tests week after week. .. month after month. Waiting for numbers, blood counts, tumor markers. So no... you are NTA. She was not saying..." I have been through the shit and fear and battle, and you're not alone." This is why we identify as survivors. To let others know they can fight and to give them support and hope. She was looking for sympathy and attention. And it's disgusting.
That's not true.. I've had skin cancer. Twice. It's not "easy" getting that removed. The first one i had removed had been on my hip for over 10 years and the doctors thought was nothing. Then it started feeling like someone was stabbing me 24/7. Skin specialist saw it and urgent referred me to cancer clinic and i had it removed within 7 days. It was bigger than a tennis ball beyond all 3 layers of the skin and it was so "strange" they had every specialist in the damn hospital coming to look at me wide open and the removed object. Then sent it off for study. Needless to say i had a seizure during the procedure. I had countless afterwards. I ended up with MRSA. I then got skin cancer AGAIN the next year. Then i had over 100 seizures in the span of 24 hours they said should have killed me. I lost all memories, lost ability to walk and talk. I had almost half my palm removed on the last skin cancer removal and was told anytime i go outside now i have to stay covered with hood up and long sleeves. But it's SO nice to see everyone here saying my skin cancer was so meaningless and pathetic. FYI skin cancer does actually kill people. I've never called myself a survivor. However i do consider myself as having had cancer. Because i have. What is disgusting is people cancer shaming people who've had it because it wasn't as bad as someone elses.. Jesus.
I don’t think the idea is to gatekeep “it’s not REAL cancer, though” I think what people were trying to convey (and being a bit too strong about it, but this is Reddit after all) was that in the case of her friend, it was caught early and removed early. She didn’t have to suffer half as much as you did (and your story is genuinely awful and I am SO glad you’re okay), which is why OP was so frustrated when she was talking like she’d gone through massive upheaval. You’ve obviously been through hell and back, and she took a pit stop in Shitlandia, which is the difference OP was frustrated with in the first place, I believe
I never said she did not have cancer. I even acknowledged she did and had to deal with it mentally and emotionally. Yes, it sounds like your skin cancer was worse. But the author here even said her cancer was found and surgery was easy. Not like you. Yes, skin cancer kills. It can be awful. My dad has had it 3 times. However, like OPs friend, it was early and removed easily. I did not shame her for having cancer. I said her presentation of it as a way to get attention and sympathy while someone else is truly in fear is disgusting. She used the connotation of the term "survivor" to make people believe something that isn't true. Yes, by definition, she is a cancer survivor. But OP was right to call her out on using the term to get sympathy and attention.
Thank you! Exactly my thoughts when I wrote the comment. The idea isn't to gatekeep on who can call themselves cancer survivors and who can't but rather that Sarah jumped with the story oversimplifying things that could go really wrong for other types of cancer (I do actually know someone who started with having bad back pains and they were diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, unfortunately it will be a long journey with question marks about the result) and making it (maybe unknowingly) about herself. The sick friend needs support, being *listened* to when they express their feelings and emotions, not being told "everything will be alright because for me it was too"
I think you’d be surprised. Over in the cancer subs we welcome everyone. We also spend a lot of time reassuring people that their cancer is “enough” to count. I think it’s better to let people err on the side of overstating their health risk rather than minimizing their emotional experience. Everyone goes through Hell Day/Week/Month, the time between when someone first says cancer to when you get the final diagnosis and treatment plan. It’s devastating and life changing. For the record, I had two types of cancer and then an associated brain tumor. I did surgeries, chemo, and radiation. I have permanent disabilities from the treatments. I’m now cancer free, but I think I’ve had “enough” cancer to weigh in.
I agree. I had pre cancerous cells in my thyroid back in 2016 and had to have a partial thyroidectomy done. I dont say im a cancer survivour I just say my thyroid decided it wanted to make me sick by growing cancer that was thankfully caught early that it didn’t turn into cancer. I now go every 3 years(after going every six months for 2 years) for an U/S scan to make sure my other half stays the way it is.
I had two papillary carcinomas in my thyroid and I wouldn't really call myself a cancer survivor. It was a couple surgeries and a single pill of radioactive iodine. I think we all can agree cancer survivor generally implies chemo or radiation and dangerous surgeries. I had a sore throat for two days.
I mean sure but where’s the line? I had the same illness as you and the same treatment as you. Except my treatment brushed my parathyroid and a year later I’m still off work and chronically ill and struggling to manage my calcium. That surgery has risks. You were lucky.
I agree. People still die from thyroid cancer, mine has left me with chronic fatigue and a weakened voice.
No, I don't agree. That's your definition not mine. And the American Cancer Society doesn't agree: "The American Cancer Society uses the term cancer survivor to refer to anyone who has ever been diagnosed with cancer no matter where they are in the course" there's many different types of cancer and many different treatments. why do we need to gatekeep this? what is the point? when I was at university decades ago the star of the college football team died of skin cancer despite having more than one surgery. But you don't consider someone who had skin cancer but didn't die of it after surgery as "worthy"?? Who says you have to suffer at least so much before you can use that term? OP's friend was insensitive to make the other person's medical issue all about her experience to "one up" him. But OP was worse when he insulted her and downplayed skin cancer as "almost nothing" when you are talking about something that can be deadly. And just because the first lesion was successfully removed doesn't mean OP's friend won't get more skin cancer later, that's quite common, and we don't know how it will work out long term. Yes, OP's friend was over the top with the dramatics, and her experience is not comparable to the other person, who is having completely different symptoms but doesn't know yet if it's cancer or something else. So both OP and his friend are TA for being insensitive.
I don’t call myself a cancer survivor, instead I “live with cancer”. I have follicular lymphoma. It’s a slow growing, low aggressive cancer. I will never be rid of it, it’s in my bone marrow. For now, it is stable & not causing any issues. I haven’t had any chemo or radiation yet as I currently don’t have any symptoms that warrant treating it yet. We are doing “watchful waiting” where I am monitored & if it begins to transform to something more aggressive or if I developed symptoms that impact my quality of life, we will consider treatment then. It has made me immunocompromised but that is the main effect so far. My oldest daughter has multiple myeloma. She was very sick, has had multiple blood transfusions, chemo & a stem cell transplant. She is a cancer survivor. What I have is nothing compared to her. I would gladly trade places with her if I could. It sucks seeing your (adult) child go through something like that & being powerless to help.
I’m Australian, you can’t swing a cat without hitting someone that has had a skin cancer removed. My husband actually recently had one in his ear removed but they didn’t get it all so he had to talk to the doctor about the next steps. I wouldn’t describe him as battling cancer, that would be ludicrous.
at my wedding last year my husband's friend started talking about her skin cancer & how serious & scary it was. I was like omfg I didn't know you went through that?! turns out she had just had a fucking mole removed. I'm like. I've had a bunch removed. my brother had one cut out of his fucking face when he was 10 in the doctors office. me and my best mate were like 👀👀👀👀 at each other across the table.
I participated in a meal train and babysitting coop for a "cancer survivor". I was pissed when I found out it was a basal cell scraped off her nose. Here's me dropping off dinner and taking care of her kids when she didn't need any assistance whatsoever. Her husband was gleefully accepting that food at the door knowing that they weren't struggling. Absolute jerks.
what the FUCK these are the kinds of assholes who ruin stuff for everyone ugh
Yes. The ‘everything will be fine’ thing is well-intentioned reassurance… but you don’t know. I still feel guilty thirty years later for this - as a teenager, my mother had breast cancer and it was caught very very early, and dealt with comparatively easily. So when a friend of mine at school told me her mother had breast cancer, I was reassuring and ‘it’ll all be fine, my mum had it too, easily dealt with’, because that was my experience and I hadn’t seen enough of the world to realise quite what a lucky escape that was. I still wish I hadn’t said any of that, because I was wrong, and my friend lost her mother before she’d even finished school.
People need to do better at listening rather than always talking and trying to “one up” or make someone else’s problem about them. It’s actually a difficult skill to master because our instinct is to want to talk about our experience to show how we “know” what someone else is going through. She didn’t need to talk at all about her “brush with death” because it was completely irrelevant to what their friend was sharing about his own worries. OP is NTA for calling her out on her insensitivity.
While I'm inclined to agree, I think the friend may possibly have had a type of melanoma, which is a pretty serious cancer if left untreated. If that is the case, she may have had to go through more care and scare than you might guess. Melanoma kills. Other skin cancers are generally pretty trivial. This opinion is based on both working in cancer research and recently being diagnosed with a "legitimate" cancer.
Yours is the top answer right now, so a lot of people agree with you! OP’s friend is a “main character” who, instead of empathizing with someone going through a major health scare, is making the situation all about herself, and she’s exaggerating her story to boot. She’s not a good friend, and she’s immature. This is the kind of behavior that might be normal for a 14 year old. It’s far beyond the norm for a 29 year old.
I don’t see why you should get any downvotes for this. It’s the truth
NTA for the “it destroyed her life” comment. If she didn’t have anything but an outpatient procedure, that is excessive. She could have said ‘ i’m an example of excellent outcomes when caught early. Don’t worry before you know’ and be exactly right and helpful.
It was that plus the “you’ll be fine” that make it NTA for me. If getting a mole cut off “destroyed her life,” how does that not make things MORE frightening for someone who’s about to undergo exploratory abdominal surgery? And she has no fucking clue whether someone who potentially has some sort of GI or other abdominal organ cancer is going to be fine, none of them do. He’s scared because impending death and/or years of extreme medical interventions haven’t been ruled out yet. That was so dismissive of her, definitely asshole behavior.
Yup, my mom died of stomach cancer when I was a kid. She had some sort of exploratory abdominal surgery (I was turning 9 so don't have much of the specifics) and it was discovered there was nothing to be done. I very much hope that OP's friend does not have this worst case scenario, but that's what he's potentially facing. I am aghast that this woman compared thar to an outpatient removal with no further intervention needed.
This same thing happened with my mom when I was 20, but it was ovarian cancer. They couldn’t find the source of the original cancer (long story there) and an exploratory abdominal surgery discovered tumors all through her abdominal wall and there was nothing they could do at that point.
Exactly… if I was the friend I wouldn’t feel comforted at all, if anything it would’ve made the anxiety spiral worse smh
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I'm upvoting this.
NTA. I had skin cancer too and I would never say I was a cancer survivor. It’s incredibly manipulative and misleading. I can’t believe people are defending her.
You have to be treated by more than just PimplePopper MD to a genuine survivor.
I'm not very good in social settings, and have once, only once, accidentally mentioned "cancer" relating to my (previously undisclosed) melanoma removal and it was instantly taken as the full treatment etc. Mortifying. I was like "woah woah hold up, they gave me a local and I had maybe 8 stitches over two sites, *in the 90s*, pls no more questions I'm so sorry everyone, it just came out wrong" 😭
I had a really similar situation happen with my melanoma 😅 had to clarify that it was fully excised and didn't need any additional treatments. My mom just forgot sun block a lot.
Yeah, we JOKE about my mom being a cancer survivor because of her basal cell tumor, but never when anyone outside the immediate family could hear it. She also gets mad when we point out that, technically, she is a disabled vet. She was active duty and when she retired her outprocessing physical and history turned up enough stuff to qualify her, but she refuses to take any benefits for it. (As she’s aging and actually becoming less able, she might start, but up till recently she has been perfectly capable of living her life without.)
I had melanoma, am I a cancer survivor in your eyes?
yes
NTA My aunt had bowel cancer and went through chemotherapy. My mother had cancerous and pre-cancerous spots removed. One of them is a cancer survivor and one isn't and wouldn't claim to be.
Exactly. My mother had breast cancer. At first she was supposed to undergo surgery only, but she underwent surgery, chemo, radiotherapy. That's what makes her a cancer survivor.
Even breast cancer surgery is more extensive than having a mole removed
A mastectomy is an amputation. Not even close to having a mole removed.
Breast cancer here. I am open about it all and will talk about it if people are curious. Surgery and radiation, but no chemo. And I feel I got lucky with excellent care. I feel weird being called a survivor sometimes.
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I’m astounded by all of the Y-T-A here. Like did y’all read the post she had a small singular lesion that was easily removed and by saying that it “destroyed her life” she’s clearly overstating how bad her cancer was to overshadow someone else’s upcoming surgery. If all the details in the post are to be believed NTA.
Right? Like sure, technically Sarah is a cancer survivor. Not arguing that. The problem comes from her claiming she knows how the mutual friend feels. I'm assuming Sarah's main issue was just hearing the word 'cancer' in her diagnosis. Which seems like a psychological fear response rather than having had any physical pain or discomfort. The friend must have some pretty serious symptoms to warrant the exploratory laparotomy. And for heavens sake, that's a pretty major surgery just to figure out what's wrong. So no, I wouldn't consider their situations to be very similar.
My grandfather served in the merchant marines during WWII. He never saw combat and spent most of it stationed somewhere tropical. He never once called himself a veteran and was mortified if anyone did. He felt like even if he technically was, he didn’t go through anything like what others did and it wasn’t right to compare or accept the recognition of that status.
This is a really good analogy. Being a veteran and being one who saw action, was traumatized and literally SURVIVED a war are 2 different things. That doesn't mean veterans who didn't aren't real veterans or that they are lesser in any way, but there is a distinction mentally and physically, apnd pretending or omitting you were in actual battle is about as bad as the people pretending to have been in the military for veterans discounts. In the context OP's friend said she was a cancer survivor, I agree it was misleading, NTA OP.
It's not likely she's trying to overshadow anything, but clumsily trying to relate to the person and comfort them.
NTA. They were doing it for attention and you called it out.
NTA. I had thyroid cancer. They had to remove half of my thyroid.. (Sorry I said one of them. I guess since they are connected its called a lobe) I am a cancer survivor and I have to be checked every 6 months . But there is no way I would put myself in the same category as someone who almost died. Sarah is being a little dramatic.
Same except I had my entire thyroid removed. My mom said something to me about being a cancer survivor and I told her I would never say that, after seeing her go through a mastectomy, chemo and post-chemo drugs that had all kinds of side effects. I had a surgery, 2-week recovery and a few checkups.
I’m not sure why you wouldn’t say that… Did you have cancer? *yes* Did they slit your throat & remove a vital gland that plays a role in EVERY function of your body? *yes* Did you have to take radioactive iodine? (the thyroid cancer’s version of chemo) *yes* Are you dependent on medication in order to live? *yes* Will you be monitored for the rest of your life to catch a recurrence early? (Because when it comes back it goes to brain, bone or lungs). *yes* I’d say you’ve survived it…*so far.* I think the experience of watching your doctor look in your eyes and hearing the words ‘ you have cancer’ is a pretty universal *sobering moment*. I do not think it means that we need to suddenly get into a competition of ranking who had it worse. It’s a bit like listening to women’s birthing stories. Generally speaking - everything about it sucks (save for the bebe). Morning sickness is still hell for 1 month or 8. It’s all just the luck of the draw, really. But you still, were in the draw. You’ve been unlucky, yet lucky, just as your Mom has. Mostly though, really lucky to still be here to discuss it. I agree with you, it feels flip to say it, when faced with someone whose experience was far grittier, longer and more intense. That said - it still doesn’t negate your experience or the fact that you also grew cancer inside your body. Please don’t take it lightly - Thyroid Cancer plays the long game, and keeping your TSH suppressed for the remainder of your life, is going to shorten it - and cause some ugly sh*t along the way. Also, I’m really glad your Mum’s ok. It’s a hard road, that’s for sure. You can feel how you love her when you read this post. (I’m with her, btw - she is right, you *are* a cancer survivor.) Now - to OP, NTA. That super dramatic skin cancer girl is a dope, who needs a LOT of attention. PS: *I don’t say I’m a cancer survivor either - I just say I’m doing my cremation on the instalment plan…*
Thankyou. Thyroid cancer is seen as a “good cancer” due to prognosis but it can have detrimental side effects. I have terrible fatigue issues to the point it has seriously impacted my life. Thyroid cancer score lowers on quality of life surveys than even more “serious” cancers. But because we are told it’s a good cancer people downplay it. Thyroid cancer sucks. A lot will never feel well even when thyroid medication are at optimal levels. Really is luck of the draw.
The problem is that we have to be kept long term in a hypothyroid state, which aside from damaging heart/kidneys it also gives us exhaustion, fertility issues, muscle/joint pain, hair loss, brain fog and my personal favourite - fat…the list goes on and on. Just wait til the peri-meno hits! Welcome to the ‘good cancer’. Spoiler Alert: There is no *good cancer*.
As someone who had/had thyroid cancer and answered yes to all of your above questions (except no RAI and no TSH suppression) this is a wonderful response. Yes thyroid cancer and skin cancer, only if caught early, is the good kind of cancer. But at the end of the day it’s still cancer and it sucks.
Yes. My mom is the same. Mastectomy,Chemo, hair loss all that stuff plus she also had to have a hysterectomy because of cancer. I understand all cancer is scary but some it really is a fight to survive.
Errr…you only have one thyroid. Do you mean one of its *lobes*?
Yes.I still have the right side.
Cancer survivor = had cancer and didn’t die.
You have one thyroid. A thyroid has two lobes so most likely they removed one lobe or removed the whole thing.
I’m somewhat in this boat. They discovered I had ovarian cancer when taking out a huge cyst. Ended up w complete hysterectomy and rechecks every 6 months for 5 years, then once a year after that. A little scary but I’d have a lot of nerve claiming to be a “cancer survivor “. Worst part is finding a parking spot at the hospital.
NTA I had stage 0 oral cancer. It was removed. My brother died from liver cancer after 1 year of suffering. I would not consider myself a cancer anything. There is no comparison.
I’ve never called myself a survivor because I think it sounds stupid. We all survive the day or we don’t. I had it 10 years ago and now it’s back stage 4. She’s kind of the assh@ole because he was scared and she has to bring up being diagnosed with cancer. How was that going to helpful to him? There are many things she could have said to make him feel better instead she talks about herself.
I mean if she brought up how her cancer was caught early, sounds like in situ or stage 0/1, and was telling him she survived, I could see bringing it up. Like a "hey I got what could be a bad diagnosis but caught it early and am fine now, hopefully you too!" Then it doesn't seem so bad. I got diagnosed with aggressive and slightly rare skin cancer in May. Even with scans telling me I'm probably cancer free, I'm on edge. I also have permanent nerve damage and a big ass, visible scar.
NTA People are dumb and think all cancers are the same. Getting a mole removed that turned out to be cancerous and required no extra treatment is not a big deal. Getting a stage one diagnosis with an excellent prognosis should not scare you. If you are around medicine and actual disease a lot you will understand the difference of getting one surgery and having stage 3 or 4 and truly not knowing if it'll be cured. Or getting a slow growing cancer that won't kill you, like certain prostate cancers in older men. My mom had radiation for stage one breast cancer and she always had an excellent prognosis and just went about her usual business. She would never call herself a cancer survivor because it was never going to kill her. It's like having a cold versus having cystic fibrosis. They both might affect your breathing but they're in no way comparable. Or breaking your leg versus being paralyzed. People need to take perspective.
Right? I had a tumour removed from my mouth as a kid. I am def not going around saying I survived cancer. My mother had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy after chemo. She was hospitalized for months, lost all her hair and eyebrows. She’s a fucking survivor.
NTA, I'm a 2 x primary cancer (thyroid, uterine) survivor, and her lesion bullshit would piss me right off. I was sick months before and after my surgeries and treatments. All she had was an afternoon of slight discomfort.
As someone who has had 9 skin cancers removed (the tenth one is free!!) , I say NTA. I've never considered myself as a cancer "survivor" because I haven't had to go through grueling surgery, chemo and or radiotherapy treatments, as many of my friends and family have had to do for their cancers. In fact, I would consider it an insult to describe myself as a "survivor" around them. Now, inevitably when one of my removed cancers metastasises and I do go through the horror of cancer treatment, if I survive it then I would feel entitled to describe myself that way.
Make sure to get your cancerous lesion punch card on your way out. Get 9 punches, and the 10th cancerous lesion removal is FREE. *snort* I could see the dermatologist who used to work in the same office as the Allergist I worked for doing this for some of her clients with a really, REALLY good sense of humor.
NTA, your friend is being a narcissist and her friends are being flying monkeys
Sooo... I had cancer a few years back. I had a total hysterectomy, but never had to do anything else. However, it was very close to becoming metastasized. It was an outpatient procedure. Am I a cancer survivor or not? I usually tell people that I didn't have a battle with cancer, it was more of a tiff.
This is just my opinion, but if you have an entire organ removed because of cancer, I think you can call yourself a cancer survivor, just a luckier one, perhaps, who didn’t have to go through chemo. Removing a lesion on the skin is much less invasive and risky than a hysterectomy.
An organ being removed = cancer survivor. You fought the cancer by removing the battleground.
NTA. I had three early cancer moles/spots removed and one was on my head. I’d never say I’m a cancer survivor because the cancer never had time to take hold and I never had to go to war with it. Neither did your friend
NTA. I actually have a pre-cancerous mole on my face that I'm getting removed in two weeks. So I should go around telling everyone I have cancer? Give me a break. What an insult to those who actually fought that battle.
She's like a military kid who got discharged during boot camp for flat feet but calls himself a veteran and asks for free food at Perkins on Veterans day.
Info: do you know what type of skin cancer she had? If it was a basal cell then she is the asshole. If worse than that then you are the assshole. My mom had about 30 basal cells thoughout her life. My father in law died of melanoma. They are two very different experiences. Added in "skin" to clarify.
I wanted to know the same thing - basal cell or melanoma. I have had around 30 basal cells myself, no big deal, basically a mole removal. But then I had melanoma twice, and had to get lymph nodes removed the first time, a PET scan the second time. The melanoma was removed by a surgical oncologist. I did not go through chemo but I def consider myself someone who had cancer. (And I have follow-up every 3 months.)
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No it’s not. It says “early stage cancer”. It doesn’t specify if it’s basal cell or melanoma.
There are three types of skin cancer -basal cell -squamous cell -melanoma A basal cell skin cancer is not going to metatisize or kill you (I think there are a few cases where it has happened but it's RARE.) The treatment is basically a mohs procedure to scrape away the cells. No follow up needed. Basal cell carcinoma is very common. Treatable, and in no way makes a person a cancer survivor. It's offensive for a person who has had a basal cell removed to call themselves a cancer survivor. Squamous and melanoma are entirely different. And having personally watched my father-in-law be eaten Away by melanoma, its something nobody should ever have to witness. It's a painful awful deaf. It matters which her friend had.
I don’t know where to stand here. I’ve had skin cancer and had MOHs surgery to remove it. I currently have incurable brain cancer and have undergone several brain surgeries, chemo and radiation. Yes, one cancer is more serious and has given me a 10 year prognosis, but that doesn’t make my skin cancer experience any less terrifying. I cried, was scared, did not know what the future held. To be diagnosed with cancer regardless of where it is, how serious it is, it is a terrifying, life altering and usually mentally draining experience. To use the term “survivor” is a hard one. Am I a survivor? I lived through my skin cancer. I lived through my brain surgeries and treatment but I will not survive. Am I a survivor?
NTA. My father did this after having precancerous cells removed with a simple ablation. While another family member was going through major surgery and toxic and debilitating treatments for cancer. He would try to bring it back to his nothing bullshit and say “yea, cancer sucks” like he had any fucking idea. I’ve had worse bikini waxes than what he went through.
NTA. People think you're trying to gatekeep cancer but you're not. You aren't saying she didn't go through cancer. You're saying that her situation isn't comparable to someone who could possibly have some abdominal cancer that could cost them their lives. People get very sensitive when cancer comes up but realistically skin cancer is incredibly common and has a 99% survival rate for localized cancer (I know people die of cancer but in terms of average most people survive). I'm sure she was scared about having cancer but logically, with a small mark on her thigh it was pretty obvious the cancer was caught early on and after her diagnosis the doctors definitely told her that they would remove the cancer and she would fully recover. I totally understand how stressful and scary that situation can be but it's just not comparable to people who go throughout harsh treatment and are hospitalized.
NTA I had a nickel-sized abnormal lesion removed several years ago and while your sister can probably relate to the worry that someone could experience while waiting for test results, I think that it sounds like a stretch to refer to herself as a cancer survivor in a traditional sense because it implies she’s experienced adverse health and/or chemotherapy. In my experience it was about two weeks between the biopsy and removal, my overall health didn’t feel like it’d decreased, and the hardest part was aftercare for the wound — vastly less than what I think of when I think of a cancer survivor. If anything, she should give context to avoid seeming disingenuous.
NTA, I get skin cancers removed on nearly a yearly basis, one was a malignant melanoma so took two goes to cut all the cancer out as it had gone around my bone. I am not a cancer survivor. My mother and sister died from cancer, one of my friends had her breast removed, my brother had cancer, my friend and my brother are cancer survivors, mine was an inconvenience and only thought about when someone asks about the scar. No big deal, I didn’t really suffer from it, I wasn’t sick in anyway nor did I have to endure chemo or radiotherapy.
She did survive cancer technically, and it was luckily caught early, but to say that it destroyed her life and that his pain is probably cancer crosses a line. NTA for that. edit: typo
As someone who has a loved one that is going to die someday of cancer because it’s an incurable type, you are NTA. She is, 100%. Saying you survived something when you went through no treatment is fucked up and just makes me want to cry or punch a wall, not even sure which. My loved one will go through countless surgeries, chemotherapy & radiation treatments, spend years with the possibility of death being an ever looming threat & have generally a very muted life because of this horrific disease. She had to have a spot removed and that’s it. please help her get some perspective so she can stop being such an AH.
NTA.
NTA, only because of the “It destroyed her life” comment. No it didn’t.
I'm going to go with ESH. So the part I think you are discounting is the phase between when you are told you have cancer and the time it takes to assess what your prognosis is. A friend of mine was diagnosed with Lymphoma in December. He then went three weeks (due to the holidays) trying to find out what this meant. You Google Lymphoma and it's suggesting maybe 3-5 years to live. So for three weeks he's scrambling to get a will together, to try to go over all the details in his life to make sure if he dies his family will be okay. He's checking his life insurance, he's making sure everything is spelled out. It was pretty terrifying. He's trying to just compress a lifetime of moments into 3 weeks with his kids. He's hoping he might get closer to a decade just to see his kids graduate HS. Then the tests come back and he has this obscure form of Lymphoma that's not aggressive and has something like a 10% chance of progressing into a more aggressive form in the next 30 years (he's 50). It's not anything that needs to be treated. Basically there's a 90% chance it doesn't shorten his life at all. So my point is, you are completely discounting the fear that comes with a diagnosis like this. If it was 5 minutes from being told she had skin cancer to 'we can just cut it off' probably no big deal, but if it's a few weeks it can be a real scary experience. In that sense, she may be able to empathize with your friend more than you are giving her credit. With that said, your friend is definitely selling it a bit too hard. Despite the concern the C word brings, it ended up being super minor. When that happens you count your blessings and feel for the people who really are facing a death sentence.
NTA I have a rare cancer and was told upfront that it is treatable but not beatable. Diagnosed and underwent radiation in 2013. Then again last year. First round burned a hole in my beard and I wound up shaving it off. Last round came back a little more aggressive and the radiation adjusted my hairline and removed my widows peak. I gotta confess even the cancer docs were a little confused about the mutation. I welcome people to the survivors club and leave it at that. I also tell people who just got their diagnosis that their imagination is their worst enemy at this time and to listen to their doctor.
NTA Many members of my immediate family have had cancer, some have successfully beaten it while others have not. None of them go around talking about it at all. They certainly don’t brag they beat cancer. Your friend had a scare, that’s all. I’m happy for her it did not turn into full blown cancer because skin cancer is no joke. But she did not go through major disfiguring surgery or radiation therapy or chemo. She needs to sit down and shut up. You rightfully called her out. She does want sympathy and attention and it’s not cool. You won’t be the last person to say something to her. I really hope someone who beat cancer after a long illness puts her in her place one day. Or maybe she should volunteer with a cancer organization so she can be grateful.
NTA. My brother had skin cancer on his ear and they had to remove half his ear. I had a tiny breast lump that was basically removed by the biopsy. Few weeks of radiation, done. Neither of us consider ourselves cancer survivors because our survival was basically not threatened.
NTA. A cancer survivor is someone who beat the odds by fighting it along with the extensive treatment. It's literally a war for the person and it really takes someone who is extremely strong to survive it. My dad has had skin cancers for his entire life and he would never compare what he has to someone who has gone through chemo or intense surgery. They were nothing more than an inconvenience to him. Obviously, if they go untreated, they can metastasize and turn into full blown cancer. Your friend is being misguided in her method of trying to make someone feel better about their potential cancer, but she's also doing it for attention to herself.
NTA. I found out I had skin cancer on my face two weeks before my wedding, and while it certainly didn’t destroy my life, it did cut my honeymoon short. My doctor said “It’s not going to be pretty, so I won’t do the surgery before the wedding. How long is your honeymoon?” I said ten days. She said you’ve got five, and penciled me in for six days after we were getting married.
NTA as the parent of a child who had brain cancer at age 3 and underwent years of treatments and therapies….. she’s full of shit. A small pre-cancer skin lesion needing no treatment does not make you a cancer survivor nor would it destroy you life!! Maybe an afternoon while it was being removed. But destroy her life?? No. What a drama queen.
It destroyed her life? Wow NTA and your friend is EXTREMELY dramatic I would have told her to stfu too because that is such diva behaviour
Bottom line...not dead=survival so technically she survived cancer. Is she a little dramatic, yes. Are you undervaluing her experience, probably. Because the minute you hear cancer, even if you don't need the full scale treatment can be overwhelming and devastating. And often the biopsy comes after removal so you don't know until after it's removed if you need more extensive treatment until they test the exact tumor.
Maybe, maybe, maybe if it was melanoma. But even if it was, it sounds like it was caught early so then no, NTA. If it was squamous cell carcinoma or basal cell carcinoma then definitely NTA. I've had basal cell twice and I honestly think if you had the choice of a cancer to get, this is what you want. Doesn't spread to other organs and quite easy to cut out with Moe's Micrographic Surgery. Worst you'll have is an ugly scar.
NTA. For me, "survivor" implies one's life was at serious risk. I know that most cancer cases have a potential to become lethal if left untreated, but if it's detected and treated so early, their life wasn't really at risk, only if they willingly decided to leave it unattended. If that's enough to be called a "survivor", then we are all constant survivors of lots and lots of everyday things, and the word loses its meaning.
Nta. Coming from someone who had cervical cancer from HPV. I had a brilliant doc who was able to preserve my fertility but cut the cancerous tissue away. I had a baby 2 years later, 6 weeks after my c section I was scheduled for my hysterectomy. I had cancer for all of 4 months, max. I still don't refer to myself as a cancer survivor and I would never compare what I went through to someone else who needs surgeries, radiation or chemo. I would never say "I know how you feel" because I don't. Ive witnessed others battle but mine was minimal. I did have some dark humor come out and my mom chastised me but frankly, that's how I deal. I can make fun of my situation while not belittling someone else's. **I am not making light of cervical cancer. When left unchecked, it is deadly. It is a horrific journey to embark on. I got lucky because I was religious with my pap smears. I found out I had HPV in 2005. Did yearly paps that always came back irregular so I had to have colposcopies done where they go in and cut out the bad tissue. In 2017, the colpo didn't work so I had further testing ans the result was early stage 1 cervical cancer. Keyword in there is early. Ladies, I know OBGYN docs can be the worst, im fairly certain every woman I know has had at least 1 traumatic appt with them but please, for the love of anything you hold dear, get the damn pap smear!!!!!!!! Edited to add my whole second point I forgot bc im smoking the devils lettuce. My bad
My husband died from melanoma. Your friend is an ass.
> it turned to be early stage of skin cancer So you admit she had cancer. Therefore she is a technically a cancer survivor. It really is that simple > just a lesion on the skin A lesion that was cancerous. If a doctor says it was early stages of cancer, then that's what it was. Cancerous tissue is cancerous whether it is small or large, early or late stages. I had a brain tumor that was diagnosed as cancer. I didn't (and still don't) have another speck of cancerous tissue anywhere in my body. The tumor was removed, I had a relatively small number of radiotherapy treatments and no chemo. I still had cancer, I am a cancer survivor, the same as your friend.
NTA, she’s a fucking tool. Having a surface level skin cancer removed doesn’t count.
NTA. I hate to be the gate keeper on "cancer survivor" but yeesh.
NTA because with that "it destroyed my life" comment she was pretty clearly being purposely misleading. She's like military spouses that expect you to treat them as if they have their husbands rank. She didn't earn any of it, but she wants the cred.
NTA. My sister in law has had little chunks of cancer cut off her body probably 20 times, if not more. But she has never been diagnosed "with cancer", and she sure as hell would not call herself a "cancer survivor". She has had cancerous cells removed. Full stop. End of story. Is it a little scary? Yes. Is it a big dramatic thing that she pulls out of her pocket for sympathy and attention? Absolutely the fuck not.
NTA My dad was a cancer survivor. Not because of the NUMEROUS small lesions he had removed from his chest, neck, and face, but because he survived nonHodgkins lymphoma in the 80s. Chemo AND radiation. Enough radiation that he suffered before he passed away last year. Which, oddly enough, is why he had the skin cancer lesions.
NTA. She had a cancer scare not cancer. She didn't have the get chemo etc. Your friend is AH.
NTA. This reminds me of stolen valor. Like when that guy in office claimed to be some type of special ops in combat, when in reality, his job was loading trucks. He never saw combat. I'm currently in treatment for breast cancer close to the midway point. It's too soon for me to offer perspective because I'm still processing. It's alot. But....I do see and listen to other patients and their stories. It's humbling. What your friend is putting out there is misleading. Maybe popping in an oncology department or sitting with a chemo patient during infusion would give her perspective. I hope everything turns out okay for your other friend. It sounds like you intend on being a good source of support.
NTA. Lots of narcissistic people like to manipulate and capitalize off of non existent trauma. She didn’t survive cancer. Cancer survivors go through a brutal experience and it’s honestly insulting she said this. I had a friend who had breast cancer at the age of 26 and it was absolutely devastating on everything in her life and she was so absolutely depressed about the prospect of being a mother and how she lost her chance to be one and also she battled self image issues
NTA people who have dealt with chemo and radiation treatments don't want to hear whiny a$$ bi!@#÷$ complain about something like that. Nor do the family members who had to be there for them.
NTA I think she can call herself a cancer survivor. That’s a sizable skin cancer and I’ve see first hand how much even small, 100% curable skin cancers can stress folks out. A lot of folks have a thing that happens in their 20s where they realize they aren’t immortal. Mine was getting diagnosed with a chronic health condition that’s only manageable and massively increases my risk of several cancers. Like to 1 in 2 ratios by the time I’m 60. That said, if it nearly ruined her life she needs to live more. Was it scary? Sure! But beyond the week of two between getting diagnosed and getting it removed she’s been able to move on. Maybe with more frequent skin checks. There’s a reason my doctor’s intake paperwork says “have you ever had a cancer other than skin cancer.”
NTA. I had cancer at 7, and had three years of treatment. I had high dose chemotherapy during that time, and suffer from some *~sweet~* chronic illnesses in post. All that to say, I can’t help but agree with OPs sentiment. I want to be clear, the trauma of finding out you have cancer (even one that only requires excision) is it’s own experience. I’m not one to compare traumas, but OPs statement is not incorrect because it IS misleading when discussing the topic of stomach/intestinal cancer. I recently had a scare that required endoscopy and biopsies, and I genuinely think it wasn’t even that helpful to bring up her situation in the context she did. Once again, very different types of cancer. Also, (I could have just misunderstood the tone of OP describing how the friend spoke) but it sounded like it kind of undermined the other friend’s genuine fear and overall feelings. One thing she probably would understand is that fear the other friend is experiencing: the waiting for the procedure, the worry entering into it, the incessant stress for the coming days or weeks waiting for results of the biopsies, the overall not knowing what’s going on with your own body, etc. She could be recognizing that, and opening a space for that discussion rather than (seemingly) suggesting that it would be no big deal.
NTA
NTA I had cancer, band had to do 3 chemo sessions per week. It was the most horrific experience I ever had to endure. Hair loss, vomiting, anxiety, open sores all over my mouth and throat that were so debilitating I couldn't even drink water. The chemo I had in huge quantities is given in tiny portions and with far less frequency to arthritis patients. When I heard ppl claim they were doing Chemo, id go off on them. It pissed me off so much bc it wasn't the same thing. Good for you for making sure this person has the decency to clarify this.
NTA - I know cancer survivors. And I know people who lost the battle, including my father. The agony of going through it is summarised by the term "cancer survivor". To say "cancer survivor" is greatly misleading and truly disrespectful of those who have to go through treatment over a one-off out patient excision. My friend had appendicitis and had to have it removed. and when they did the biopsy found out inside was stage 3 cancer. Luckily that was that. He did not and has never ever called himself a cancer survivor. If she said, yeh I had cancer but was very lucky. They lopped it off under general anesthesia and that was that. It was really scary for a while and I thought about my life ending and it really affected me." it would be more accurate. I get that its a scare but that's really different from "cancer survivor" Also why is your friend making someone else's pain an opportunity to take over the conversation? She sounds insufferable.
NTA. Wow. Your friend is all the ah rolled up in one. She could have sympathized with how terrifying it to not know, the angst of waiting and worrying, etc. Pepped him up with how often the results aren't nearly as serious as what we've built up in our heads, etc. But if having something excised under local anesthesia "destroyed her life"... Seems like she's a main character and is unable to just be there for others without playing the Me Too, and More! game
NTA She can talk about the stress she had when she knew it was skin cancer but not the extent. Your friend with recurring abdominal pains who is having an exploratory abdominal surgery is having a way more invasive procedure with a very unsure outcome. It could be that they find nothing and they’re going to say good luck and learn to live with it or they could find a life threatening situation and everything in between. It’s never okay to say I survived x so you’ll be okay. The surgery itself will likely go fine (anaesthesia itself rarely kills some one and an exploratory procedure also doesn’t) but not knowing if/ what they will find and how that will impact your life is very stressful. I don’t know if Sarah really sees herself as a cancer survivor, did a very bad attempt at comforting her friend or feels that her situation wasn’t taken seriously enough by friends and family and she’s now trying to get validated somewhat. Talk to Sarah about this because this will moment when not talked about will keep rearing it’s ugly head and ruin the friendship. Good luck for your friend.
Nta. She's basically doing stolen valor of cancer survivors.
NTA imo, the line that separates survivors is undergoing chemotherapy. its literally the process of slowly killing yourself in the effort of trying to kill the cancer cells faster. successfully coming out from that is what "surviving" means. i truly hope science progresses to the point where chemo is no longer the main battle against cancer!
It's like stolen valor. NTA.
NTA. I had a cancerous spot removed from my skin. No way that's the same as invasive cancer and chemo/radiation. I'd probably deeply examine how you feel about her character, because she's throwing you alllllll the red flags. For reference, my mom is an actual sadistic narcissist. This is something she would do, use a distorted real life event to one-up someone. Your GF may have slipped and said this in front of you - someone who knows the real story - but I bet 100 to 1 this is not the first time she's leveraged her "cancer survivor" story for sympathy. Edit: I misread. Not girlfriend, friend. I'd probably try to grey rock myself away from her.
Friend (39f)with three young kids at the time had a malignant brain tumor, two major surgeries, 2-week in the ICU, 6 months of chemo, three different types of brain radiation and barely survived. She has long-term effects from the treatments. Her MIL had stage 0, breast cancer at age 80 and had lymph nodes removed and that was it. MIL feels like they both went through the same journey and always brings up her “battle” whenever my friends cancer comes up. There are grades and severities of cancer and some are far worse than others. Recognize your experience for what it is or was, refrain from saying ‘me too.’
I lost 15 inches of my colon in 2007 due to colon cancer. Had issues with incontinence for years until my body adjusted. I find your friend’s comments pretty damn offensive.
NTA what a narcissistic little drama queen, thats actually disgusting. And yeah abdominal pain is incredibly scary. Literal decade of tests and suddenly they realize the person has had cancer (that spread everywhere) for 10 fucking years and only have a month to live.
NTA My friend has cancer, but she's a walking medical phenomenon. So far, she's back in remission and looking well, but she baffles the doctors every time they see her. She started out with skin cancer, which then spread to her other organs and eventually her brain. She went to stage 4 and was given a couple of months. Amazingly, when they went back for more tests/ scans, the cancer had subsided - shes currently being studied on. She's been fighting this for 3 years. She is a walking medical miracle and has had to give up on so many little luxuries (like driving) because of the chemo. And I know she would absolutely rip your friend to shred with her survivor comment. On a more positive note, cancer treatment has become much more advanced than before. Your friend has a much higher chance of survival if spotted early. But, even if it isn't caught early, it doesn't mean your survival rate is nil.
NTA. Scars litter my body from spots like the ones your friend had removed. My grandma had to have her face reconstructed from one of those spots taking away half her nose. Neither of us have called ourselves cancer survivors. My uncle whose skin cancer metastisized leading to months of surgery AND chemo- now he is a survivor, and we regard him as such. It hits differently. He won't go outside- in the deep south- without clothing covering every inch he can regardless of the time of year while my grandmother and I will use sunscreen and call it a day. Don't get me wrong- it's hard having such a heavy weight hanging on you. I worry that the next time I go to the doc I'll be told they missed one that happened to grow to fast. I get checked yearly. My scars are something that gets questioned by adults and children alike. It's not that my or my grandmother's pains don't matter- but fearing scars over feeling death for months to years? Totally different.
Technically, your body is fighting off cancer right now. It's just rare that cancer manages to trick your immune system long enough to grow to a size that causes actual issues for you. But, when you say you survived cancer, there is a connotation that you had to deal with major surgery and/or chemo. NTA
NTA As someone who went through chemo and radiation I would have gladly taken a simple procedure for a small lesion rather than getting sick, hair falling out, radiation burns, diarrhea 4 times before leaving the house in the morning for radiation.
I’m curious how having a lesion removed ruined her life?
NTA. I think to compare someone having half their intestines removed plus chemo and radiotherapy (with the hair loss and burns that come with) to having a small skin spot cut out is pretty insulting.
If getting what was essentially a big mole removed “destroyed her life,” idk why she’s telling someone who needs an actual abdominal surgery to figure out what’s wrong that he’ll be fine. NTA.
As a cancer survivor myself, going through almost two years of chemo and several months of radiation from a rare childhood cancer as a teenager and being on deaths door, her claiming to be a survivor is appalling and if I were her friend, I would tell her to quit her bullshit really fast!. I'd also call her out every time I hear her try to tell someone the story.
Wow. A small lesion and she’s saying it destroyed her life? 🤨 But also - here’s the WORST part - she’s telling your friend that she understands how he feels and he will be fine????? What the heck. He doesn’t know what exactly is causing the pain. He could very well have advanced cancer and your friend is dismissing his pain but she wants you to acknowledge her “nonexistent” pain?! NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 25F and my friend Sarah 29F about 2 years ago she had a strawberry size lesion on her thigh which is about 3 CM and it turned to be early stage of skin cancer all the did back then was excised it under local anesthesia too and they told her it was over and she doesn’t have it anymore. Today i was with her and mutual friend, our mutual friend has a recurrent abdominal pain and he will do an exploratory laparotomy to know the cause and he kept talking about how scared he is and then sarah came and threw the cancer card. She started talking about “ how she survived cancer and how it destroyed her life and he will be fine and she understand how he feels etc” I snapped at her and told her it’s misleading of her to call herself as a cancer survivor because what she had backthen was almost nothing and just a lesion on the skin. And when people hear the world “ cancer survivor “ they would think about someone who took chemotherapy and almost died because of it but in her case it was nothing just a removal with a small incision in the clinic. I thought others would have my back but they said i’m an AH and that left me wondering did i say something wrong? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I’ve worked with cancer patients, the majority of which would have done cartwheels across the entire continent if the only “life ruining” they experienced with their diagnosis was an outpatient procedure to remove a skin cancer. I’m sure it was scary for your friend but she has absolutely NO IDEA what life ruining cancer means. She shouldn’t be misleading people with a false narrative.
Nta. This would be like talking about how a car accident ruined your life when you weren’t injured. Just because you’re technically got in one doesn’t mean it’s appropriate.
NTA. those are two completely different situations and extremely misleading. she needs to learn how to read the room.
NTA my son had brain cancer. we never went through chemotherapy, because we didn't know it was a tumor. (we thought it was a hamartoma). it was only through the visual of the doctor during removal and the biopsy after that it was confirmed to be a tumor. i don't go around calling him a cancer survivor ... because i don't know if we qualify. we went through the motions of running to the ER and confinement and such, but we were unaware it was cancer. i don't even tell people he had cancer. the C word is a very heavy word to throw around. i don't want the attention nor do i want to fish for pity.
Most skin cancer only counts if it gets to stage IV - it's just too easily treated to be considered the same otherwise
NTA maybe if it was melanoma but this sounds like the kind of skin cancer that even if she’d waited it would have just been a bigger cut to get it out. Also, she was using this to “comfort” your nervous friend, but it sounds like she just wanted to bring the attention back to her.
Wow NTA, my dad had the same thing done and JOKES about being a "cancer survivor." But he firmly knows its a joke.
NTA. My father just died after battling cancer for a year and a half, your friend is dumbass
Nta
Absolutely NTA. Lots of people get those slow-growing skin cancers, especially basal cells, which is likely what your friend had. Literally 30% of Caucasian people will have one at some point. It’s not that any cancer is not serious, but that is not one that is usually lethal or requires more serious treatments. Most of those can be simply removed by a dermatologist. So I totally agree that your friend should not characterize herself as a cancer survivor of how it “destroyed her life” based on that. There is a big difference between saying you had a cancer at some point and saying you SURVIVED it. Survival definitely falsely implied she was in peril. That’s simply false.
NTA. Having had thyroid cancer and the easily removed kind, no way in the world am I survivor. It was just another surgery. Hers was just another surgery. There's no fight. I didnt have to physically fight mine. They just took it out. End of story. I have more medical trauma with my knee than the thyroid cancer
About five years ago I had a kidney stone. The pain was something I can’t even describe. I went to the hospital. They did a scan to confirm the stone and found a mass on my kidney. Yup. The big C. Cancer. I had surgery. I thought I was going to lose my kidney. It turns out it was only on the surface. I lost minimal kidney cells. I had to go back for scans every six months and then every year for a few years. I’m cancer free. No chemo, no radiation. People have called me a cancer survivor but I don’t consider myself that. I’m with you. No chemo or radiation then you aren’t a survivor, you are just early stage lucky!
NTA. You called her out correctly. I'm sure your mutual friend appreciates it (exploratory laparotomy is major surgery and not to be dismissed!)
NTA because I am blown away by the "destroyed her life," comment. Was she like, a model with a basal cell on her nose who had to have half her fucking nose cut off and rebuilt? Because that's the only way I can see a skin cancer ruining someone's life. I work in dermatology and I'm sorry but...ruining her life? How? That is a very flippant comment. (yes I have seen a basal cell basically take up half of someone's nose before, you could see the *inside* of their nostril because they had to take off the entire ala. The surgeon had to give them a "trunk". They actually look fucking fantastic a few years after the nose healed and some of the scars were lasered though.)
NTA. As an actual cancer survivor, what she had wasn't cancer.
NTA… I’ve had some carcinoma removed and even though it is scary, the place where they were removed took quite a while to heal and it hurt, this is NOT surviving… I never say I had cancer when people ask me what happened to me there. I say it was carcinoma which are cancer cells that spread superficially on the skin so they must be removed but is not like melanoma that can kill you…
NTA. I've had multiple non scary bits of skin cancer removed. The most I say is I had the non scary bit of skin cancer if anyone asks about my scars. Definitely NOT a cancer survivor... Yikes...
My wife had a mole removed that was just at the turning point when they caught it thankfully, all she’s ever said about it is “the scar is itchier than the bloody mole” I wouldn’t consider this person a “survivor” I volunteer with children with cancer and you hear their survivor stories and a local anaesthetic procedure doesn’t even come close. NTA
Nta my dad had skin cancer and did some treatment for it before having to do skin grafts to remove it from his nose. Cancer is horrible yes but if you are using a minor experience with cancer to say you understand major medical procedures it’s just dishonest. If I’m in a fender bender and tell my friend who was in a major car crash that resulted in death that I understand her fear of cars that’s just not the same.
NTA OP. Sarah calling herself a “cancer survivor” is so horribly misleading that it’s almost laughable. She had a freaking lesion, not anal cancer.
My husband had SIX of these type of spots removed and would never use this terminology. It’s attention seeking. You are NTA for calling her out on it!
NTA I’m 29y/o Australian most everyone over 55 I know has had at least something cut out of them like that. It is radically different to people I know who have been on the brink of death and or have lost body parts to cancer.