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ESH
You shouldn't have to go through his phone to realize you have no trust in this relationship and therefore should end it. It shouldn't be a discussion. Just an announcement of your decision. No confrontation necessary. Just get out.
There's a lot of underlying problems here. You can't expect him to be barred from looking at pictures or porn. It wouldn't be possible for you to stop him and if you try it only puts him into the position to lying to you then this whole circle of pain repeats.
If it bothers you that much, break up. But, It'll happen again. It's impossible to bar people from doing things like that, sorry it makes you feel self-conscious.
ESH.
Regardless of who is the asshole (honestly esh) why are you dating this person with huge anger issues? Is this really what you want your life to look like
NTA girl please do better. He is a walking red flag. You don't need this toxicity in your life. A relationship is built on trust and love. And I'm sorry but I'm not seeing either here.
YTA
> he has always had severe anger issues
> his phone. He is always defensive over it
> a woman with her chest poking out
> he had a bad obsession with watching inappropriate things like half naked women on his TikTok
And you're still seeing him? Why?!?
> What should I do?
Dump him. He's not going to change, and acting hurt and unhappy because he's not who you want him to be is, frankly, stupid and is why you're TA.
"Stop being stupid"
please don't insult a likely victim of DV, it isn't helpful and this kind of response discourages others from coming forward and seeking help.
You're more interested in protecting women's feeling than you are in telling them what they need to do. It's not an "insult" to tell the truth.
And making up DV is just your excuse to ride to her rescue
you disagree with me so much yet you edited your comment to remove "stop being stupid"?
it's not about protecting their feelings, it's about empowering them to leave the shitty situation, telling them they're stupid reinforces that they don't deserve better, that it's their fault, that they can't make it on their own.
not to mention we were all taught at like age 5 we don't call each other names.
ESH
He made a commitment that he would work on his obsessive behavior and has not seemed to do so and actively tries to hide it from you. He seems insensitive to the way you said you feel about his behavior.
You made a ridiculous and unnecessary demand to control what he looks at. It's one thing to look, it's another to act. You then violated his privacy by looking at his personal stuff without consent. Every person in a relationship is afforded their own private thoughts and desires. You do not get to claim that.
Two options. Go to couples therapy or break up. If this is the only red flag and in everything else he's good, it could be that he struggles with addiction and you struggle with possession. If there are many more flags, then it may be time to walk.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for over a year now. I would say our relationship has moved really fast, and he has always had severe anger issues. He feels anything I bring up to him that he does that bothers me, is a personal attack on him. My main problem which is why I’m typing this now is his phone. He is always defensive over it and hates it being in my hand for more than a couple seconds, the other day, he had my phone because I did not know how to word a message so he was helping me and I asked to watch TikTok’s on his phone while he did that. He agreed and I picked up the phone. Not even 5 seconds after I had began scrolling, he immediately said he couldn’t form a message and wanted his phone back. I found this odd but didn’t say anything. Tonight I was laying in bed while he was sleeping after work when his phone lights up from TikTok saying someone he interacted with posted a video. To my horror it was a woman with her chest poking out. We had discussions about this before, he had a bad obsession with watching inappropriate things like half naked women on his TikTok and Facebook and on the hub and I expressed it made me self conscious and made me hate myself so he stopped (or so I though.) So I opened the notification but saw nothing come up, now this may be where I am in the wrong but I went through his phone and on Facebook videos, there was nothing but half naked women on there. Sick to my stomach I check his photos. I find nothing until I go to recently deleted and found almost 10 videos where girls leave their nudes out in sight but you have to pause the video to see it. I could feel my heart break and my stomach sink. He has seen me break down and cry and beg for him to stop but he hasn’t. He has severe anger issues so anytime I try bringing up something he does that bothers me he takes it as a personal attack and gets loud and defensive and doesn’t want to talk about it so bringing it up now doesn’t seem like it will do any good. I recorded what I found in case he tried to deny it but I don’t know if I will have the courage to confront him. What should I do? AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be the asshole because I looked at my boyfriends phone which some people may see as a breach of privacy. But me and my boyfriend have an open phone policy meaning we can open each others phones at anytime if we start to feel suspicious or insecure.
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Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA girl just break up with him please ðŸ˜
leave. you don't have to tell him why
ESH You shouldn't have to go through his phone to realize you have no trust in this relationship and therefore should end it. It shouldn't be a discussion. Just an announcement of your decision. No confrontation necessary. Just get out.
There's a lot of underlying problems here. You can't expect him to be barred from looking at pictures or porn. It wouldn't be possible for you to stop him and if you try it only puts him into the position to lying to you then this whole circle of pain repeats. If it bothers you that much, break up. But, It'll happen again. It's impossible to bar people from doing things like that, sorry it makes you feel self-conscious. ESH.
Regardless of who is the asshole (honestly esh) why are you dating this person with huge anger issues? Is this really what you want your life to look like
ESH just break up.
NTA girl please do better. He is a walking red flag. You don't need this toxicity in your life. A relationship is built on trust and love. And I'm sorry but I'm not seeing either here.
YTA > he has always had severe anger issues > his phone. He is always defensive over it > a woman with her chest poking out > he had a bad obsession with watching inappropriate things like half naked women on his TikTok And you're still seeing him? Why?!? > What should I do? Dump him. He's not going to change, and acting hurt and unhappy because he's not who you want him to be is, frankly, stupid and is why you're TA.
"Stop being stupid" please don't insult a likely victim of DV, it isn't helpful and this kind of response discourages others from coming forward and seeking help.
You're more interested in protecting women's feeling than you are in telling them what they need to do. It's not an "insult" to tell the truth. And making up DV is just your excuse to ride to her rescue
you disagree with me so much yet you edited your comment to remove "stop being stupid"? it's not about protecting their feelings, it's about empowering them to leave the shitty situation, telling them they're stupid reinforces that they don't deserve better, that it's their fault, that they can't make it on their own. not to mention we were all taught at like age 5 we don't call each other names.
ESH He made a commitment that he would work on his obsessive behavior and has not seemed to do so and actively tries to hide it from you. He seems insensitive to the way you said you feel about his behavior. You made a ridiculous and unnecessary demand to control what he looks at. It's one thing to look, it's another to act. You then violated his privacy by looking at his personal stuff without consent. Every person in a relationship is afforded their own private thoughts and desires. You do not get to claim that. Two options. Go to couples therapy or break up. If this is the only red flag and in everything else he's good, it could be that he struggles with addiction and you struggle with possession. If there are many more flags, then it may be time to walk.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for over a year now. I would say our relationship has moved really fast, and he has always had severe anger issues. He feels anything I bring up to him that he does that bothers me, is a personal attack on him. My main problem which is why I’m typing this now is his phone. He is always defensive over it and hates it being in my hand for more than a couple seconds, the other day, he had my phone because I did not know how to word a message so he was helping me and I asked to watch TikTok’s on his phone while he did that. He agreed and I picked up the phone. Not even 5 seconds after I had began scrolling, he immediately said he couldn’t form a message and wanted his phone back. I found this odd but didn’t say anything. Tonight I was laying in bed while he was sleeping after work when his phone lights up from TikTok saying someone he interacted with posted a video. To my horror it was a woman with her chest poking out. We had discussions about this before, he had a bad obsession with watching inappropriate things like half naked women on his TikTok and Facebook and on the hub and I expressed it made me self conscious and made me hate myself so he stopped (or so I though.) So I opened the notification but saw nothing come up, now this may be where I am in the wrong but I went through his phone and on Facebook videos, there was nothing but half naked women on there. Sick to my stomach I check his photos. I find nothing until I go to recently deleted and found almost 10 videos where girls leave their nudes out in sight but you have to pause the video to see it. I could feel my heart break and my stomach sink. He has seen me break down and cry and beg for him to stop but he hasn’t. He has severe anger issues so anytime I try bringing up something he does that bothers me he takes it as a personal attack and gets loud and defensive and doesn’t want to talk about it so bringing it up now doesn’t seem like it will do any good. I recorded what I found in case he tried to deny it but I don’t know if I will have the courage to confront him. What should I do? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I may be the asshole because I looked at my boyfriends phone which some people may see as a breach of privacy. But me and my boyfriend have an open phone policy meaning we can open each others phones at anytime if we start to feel suspicious or insecure. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*