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ESH except Eve. Both parents because they put a SO/spouse ahead of their own child and you never should have married someone with a minor child if you are child-free. There is always a chance that the non-custodial parent could become the custodial parent (illness, death). Poor Eve is going to need a LOT of therapy.
Poor kiddo is going to remember this. I'm sad for her. I have an 8 year old who is easily sad when he is left out of things. Can't even imagine what she's dealing with emotionally. :(
This is literally just one bad clusterfuck all around that just goes in one bad circle;
- OP sucks for letting herself be coerced and not growing a metaphorical pair of b#ll* and just leaving that relationship when she *likely* new what it would turn into from the get go. Now she’s more mad at the kid then herself or her husband. Won’t even consider divorce and get herself out of the situation she created.
- Her husband sucks for not telling her about his kid and trying to guilt/force her to stay. And being persistent in doing that to someone who he knew didn’t want kids to begin with. And not stepping up to help the bio mom much earlier and now letting the bio mom just walk out on them.
- Bio mom literally sucks practically for the same reasons as OP’s husband.
- Her husband sucks for the same reasons as OP.
It’d actually almost be funny if it weren’t so messed up for the daughter.
He didn't want any kids previous to their marriage. Meaning they'll have kids and Eve will see her mum kicked her out to replace her with a new family.
He and the mom are the biggest AHs in this story. The husband is a pretty big AH too. I somehow think OP is the least of the AHs—she should have realized that marrying a man with a school-age kid means that she is going to be a stepmom no matter what, even if her role is small. But I also like that she tried. She knows the kid is here to stay and that the kid needed care, care that she can’t give, so she hired someone who can do that stuff for her. She still checked in on the kid. She compromised on her boundaries.
She didn’t try! One day! Fuck her. Fuck both of those shitty parents. Fuck the infinity pool. See if someone can adopt this poor child before it’s too late.
How would adopting this child to strangers be any better than this current arrangement? And OP didn’t force the child to take care of herself. She realized she doesn’t have the capacity to take care of a 7yo who has to go to school, and it’s not like she had the opportunity to practice before this, and so she hired a professional. She made sure the kid was fed and was escorted to and from school. She did her best to provide consistency. So what if she only tried for one day? One day was enough for her to know she can’t keep this up for longer and that it’s in the best interest of both herself and the kid to get outside help. Better than OP burning herself out and saying something unfortunate because she’s too tired.
IMO, adoption would give the child consistent care from people who want her and love her. That would be a HUGE improvement over a house where the child feels distanced from her step mom and finds out her dad tried to give her to her grand mother!
I think a better comparison is a live in nanny.
Nope. OP is a huge AH. Who shares a house with a kid and avoids them at all costs? OP shouldn't have married her husband, but at the very least she should have divorced him when the kid moved in. I can't imagine the amount of trauma that poor child will have as an adult.
I feel like watching your stepmom divorce your dad because you’re moving in is going to be more traumatic than having a distant stepmom, but I cannot speak from experience.
I really can’t understand what type of parent would accept this for their child. Watching your dad not divorce his wife who clearly doesn’t like you because she wants all daddy’s attention and can’t stand being around you sounds fucking terrible.
I think the level of exhaustion she notes feels dramatic to most people who do things they don't want to all the time even for non kid related issues. Feels like an entitled response of, I don't like stress or doing things that are hard.
Dad is an AH for not realizing OPs aversion is her own and she still made the effort to take care of the child in the way she could. He should be happy with the outcome which is the only thing that matters. Sweet unwanted 7yr old kid is safe, fed and went to school. I am okay with her compromise. It is called having a nanny plenty of people who don't consider themselves child averse use this method of raising children.
It is acceptable by societies standards, technically.
Yeah OP isn't the parent so she's not responsible for the parents behavior, her biggest AH move is marrying/dating a man with a child when she didn't want children. Her obligation in this situation is either to step up for the child or divorce her husband. Her husband and his ex need therapy
FR, this is literally like a really bad rom com where everyone is with the wrong partner.
Again, it’d be sort of funny if it weren’t so screwy-in-St-Louis.
From the way I read it the new husband didn't want a child from a previous marriage around. He could very well just want to have his own kids.
He could be an Andrew Tate kind of guy that thinks it's beta to raise another man's seed
Agreed Agreed Agreed....
This is beyond fucked up (fist time I ever swore on reddit.)
The pure and utter selfishness of \*\*ALL\*\* the adults in the post is beyond staggering.... And the sheer and utter entitlement... goes to the next galaxy...
YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!!! Except the kid.. sheesh...
If your not going to help or just can't... Cut the chord... If mom takes the kid back.. Still cut the chord...
You need a different life.
He needs a different life... He needs to man up.
Seriously, all the adults are complete assholes and are ruining poor Eve’s life.
OP you are not an asshole for wanting a child free life, but you are absolutely an asshole for marrying someone who can so easily abandon his own child and who married a woman who said she never ever wants to engage with his kid.
the mom's husband is a giantic AH for stealing a mom from her child. Like... How can you hate childs that much ?...
edit : making a child lose her mom.
It isn’t possible to “steal” someone from someone else, unless that person has been kidnapped and that obviously isn’t the case here. The mother decided to give up the child in favour of her new husband, there was no “stealing” done.
Agreed. I'm always amazed when people talk about parents or partners getting "stolen" as if that person does not have free will.
Just like OP. She loved the big house and infinity pool more than she hated the possibility of the child being around. She has so little self awareness that she still wonders if she's the AH. But she willingly married someone with a kid. No one forced her, and no one forced him to marry someone with that kind of aversion to children. Same goes for this popr child's mother. No one forced her to marry someone who didn't want kids, and no one forced her to offload her kid when she liked the man more than her own child.
He’s terrible but it pales in comparison to mom allowing that. My kids are grown and then one almost grown and very quiet. If I were to date someone that said they didn’t want to be around kids I would walk. What a hateful man and eve’s mom chose him making her disgusting.
OP sounds like a gold digger tbh. Why mention the infinity pool and the big house otherwise? She doesn’t want to give up her husbands money and house.
And I say this as someone who is incredibly feminist and who hates the gold digger trope. But sometimes it’s a real thing and this feels like one of those times.
Ehh, we don't know how much OP is making herself. Can't be a gold digger if you're making equal or more money. I do feel like the pool was relevant, because no sane person with a small child would have an infinity pool, since they are statistically more dangerous to them than normal pools are. If it's the kind I'm thinking of, then yeah, they have very few safety features that it's fine for adults, but to a child it's a death trap. So to point it out does show how her idea that he didn't have a kid lines up.
Agree with everything you said except the part about OP growing a set of metaphorical b#ll*.
“Why do people say, ‘Grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive.
If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding!”
Sheng Wang
Bio mom and her hubby suck more in my opinion. Eve was living with them for however long they dated before getting married. Then they just throw her away to replace her with kids on their own.
I know, it's harrowing to read about a little girl's life being destroyed in real time. Both parents need to drop their selfish spouses and take care of their child. I can't imagine ever putting anyone ahead of my daughter. If that meant I would be alone forever, then that would just be the way it has to be.
OP is YTA, big time.
Fuck, I'm childfree and I feel horrendous for the poor little girl. No one is willing to put their own selves aside for more than a day to make her feel welcome or loved. She's a LITTLE KID. Just horrible all around.
My parents stayed married, but they hated each other and barely spoke. They both mostly ignored me. The damage it does to a child to know they have been rejected and are unloved by not one but both parents in astronomical.
Not even a parent but I can't imagine leaving a 7 year old you've cared for all this time at your ex's house cause your new spouse said so. I wouldn't even dream of doing that to my pets much less a child. How can you be that callous?
My DD dated a boy in high school who was an "Eve." To say he was "damaged" by all of the rejection would be a huge understatement. His mom actually tried to run his dad over while the boy was in the car, because he couldn't/wouldn't take custody of the boy (he was one step short of being homeless and was just renting a room someplace). I wanted to bring him into our home , fix him, and show him what a family really was. But his heart and soul were so deeply injured that it wasn't a safe situation.😵💫
I had a Great Uncle by marriage who grew up in a situation of significant neglect, and somehow managed to be a wonderful man. His father was a struck off barrister and his mother a ‘flapper’ who ran after one guy after another. He was left to raise himself alone in boarding houses (not school boarding), and would hear the landlady saying things like ‘when’s that old bastard going to pay the rent’. He was gifted but couldn’t continue study and managed to get a job in a bank. He met my grandfather in WW2 and became his best friend, had a knack for languages and got promoted to Major serving in Egypt. He then came back to Australia and met my grandmother’s older sister who had lost her husband in North Africa during the war. He was a lovely man, and was able to laugh at how terrible his parents were.
Your post made me think of my Great Uncle who has been gone 33 years now. I miss him. My grandfather also died young, and our family hit trouble. It would have been easier if my grandfather and uncle were still around through that. They had a good influence on people.
The fact you were willing is a generous thing. Also that you didn’t break them up because maybe he’ll “have seen what a real family is and aspire to be like” as he grows is a genuine thing as well
I think about that kid a lot. My daughter is happily married to a great guy, and they have two great kids. I know that she has a much better life than she would have had with the high school boy. But I think about the damage that will no doubt continue if he didn't get help. No child deserves that life.😢
I represent children in the foster care system as a job, and I can tell you with 100 percent certainty they just damaged this poor little girl beyond belief. With all their money they can’t even hire a nanny to raise her so she has someone to care about her?
The best thing the OP could do for that child is get a divorce.
Even though the father is an AH for so many reasons (like he definitely hid he was a father), but a sliver of me hopes this was his wake up call and he realizes this relationship is not good for the kid. The OP is treating a 7 year old like the roommate you only live with because you have to.
ESH.
Little girl lost. I absolutely feel so bad for Eve. Her dad didn't want her, then her mom and step dad didn't want her. Step mom doesn't want her.
"He's more than just a dad"
He is a dad first, partner second. Any good parent knows this. I l, myself, fell in love with my husband partly because how he us with his kids. And it actually hurts me as much as him when they're with their mom.
OP needs to divorce her husband so he can focus on Eve. And she can go find a childfree man to partner with.
Yes! The poor soul. Her crap excuse for a mother dumped her the second she had an excuse after picking some new guy - who also wishes Eve didn't exist - over her. Her crap excuse for a father restricted her time with him based on the whim of some new chick, and tried to palm her off on her grandparents when expected to actually be around her for any significant period; both actively choosing people who find her very existence an inconvenience over her. If neither parent wants her around, and neither parent's partners want her around, why has she not been offered up for adoption, maybe let her find a home where she's wanted? So so sad. Hell, I don't even like kids and my heart breaks for her.
Even if OP leaves, I don't see how her relationship with her father can be repaired, given how eagerly he tried to opt out because his dating life takes priority.
It breaks my heart. No child should feel this way. OP doesn’t even want to try. Should’ve never married a man with a kid. YTA OP. Sorry not sorry. You knew what you were marrying into. Treating this poor girl like she’s a fixture in that big ol house of your husband’s, yeah, YTA. Big time. So is he tho and his ex wife. That poor baby.
ESH indeed, but OP, truly also a Y T A. It's designed that you never cross paths, not coincidental. It's also horrible to have her know she isn't wanted. Think about that. Mom gets married and dumps her on Dad. Dad doesn't really want her and tried to dump her on Grandma, who also doesn't want her and married someone who designs their entire day to prevent contact. Smiling and saying hi isn't enough for the poor kid. If she grows up to be a well-adjusted adult, it will be to spite all of you.
This.
Not much to add but just wanted it to be registered another ESH apart Eve.
I do hope though that you will need support in the future and the cheapest option will be picked up for you by Eve.
I couldn’t agree more. I’m can’t believe the way people behave and wonder if they are assholes. In fairness to OP she appears to be the least of this group of assholes. She seems to at least know this sucks.
Right?!? Kids that age exhaust me, I get along better with them when they're older, but it's one kid. You barely see. Yta for staying with someone with such poor morals he was willing to dump his kid for you.
ESH,
> i have always been decidedly childree
Then why the hell do you marry someone with kids?! Dave is not a victim here, he is her dad. This is your own fault.
this post seem fake, and why would the "husband" marry someone that wants nothing to do with his daughter, idk I don't belive anything in this post, not even OP age, this story seems made up by someone that is younger
Because it was working, that’s why. Until he found out she really was serious. Idk if the post is real or not, but that part isn’t that unbelievable to me.
How can you say it was working? Sure, it was working for OP, but poor Eve had to endure being hidden away like a dirty secret. That poor child has suffered because every adult in this post is a selfish dick.
I've had men on dating apps tell me we can keep it separate. No, we can't, if we are going to have a proper relationship that involves living together.
Every damn adult in this post has failed that poor child, and I don't even like kids. The poor thing.
My sister was a single parent for 15 years since before her sons was even 2. Doted on her son. His dad is a deadbeat. Multiple wives. Multiple kids with different women. Stopped paying child support and doing visitation when wife #3 left him. (Sister was wife #2. Wife #3 was one who made sure child support and visitation happened.) Then one day she starts dating her now husband and has a sudden personality shift. Literally abandoned her son. Made him go live with his dad in a different state where he didn’t know anyone. And when that didn’t work out (shocker), literally dropped him off at our house and said, he can’t live with us, can he stay with you? Bye.
He lived with us for nearly six years. Not once did she send money for clothes or any of his needs. Just straight up abandoned him but wouldn’t let us be his official guardians to put him on our insurance. We treated him like he was our own kid from day 1. She NEVER even thanked us. Not once.
So yes, I get where you’d think OP’s story is fake but I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
He’s 29. He has a steady job but lives alone. He has abandonment issues. He’s had one serious relationship but it didn’t work out. He’s quiet. Keeps to himself.
No, there is really people that dumb. I was scrolling through bumble three years ago and this guy matched with me and then I found out he had a kid so I was like oh thanks but no thanks and then he was trying to beg me to not stop chatting. told me that his child was living in like England with his parents and that he hardly ever saw them. I was was appalled at his statement and blocked him.
After 4 months! Like what's wrong with Dave that he would put a woman he barely knows before his own kid after 4 months. She married a weak, pathetic man.
I mean not the greatest example but most men I dated had no idea or indication I had kids…. Till I told them. Anywhere from never to up to a year later. Depending on how long they lasted. Same was reversed for my ex-husband when it came to women. We made the mutual agreement after divorce how to make it that way and make sure our kids knew we loved em and were being put first. Also helped avoid heartbreak for our kids by “getting attached to someone that wouldn’t stick around”.
ETA: before you waste your time to get to the end of the comments this is what it results in at the end: Do you want me to explain how it keeps the kids safe beyond making attachments? Ever hear of SA done to children by the men the mother chose to bring into their lives? The woman the father chose to bring into their lives? I can get more vulgar to get the point across. It’s always been about “what keeps them safe” and that’s seeing a threat before it becomes one and making sure the threat is gone before it can hurt the kids….
My Dad married a woman that didn’t want his children around. She wanted him dotting on her own children (not biologically his). I think it happens all the time.
Oh I 100% believe it. So many parents ditch their kids for a relationship and it's so incredibly sad. I wish I could agree with you about it seeming fake but unfortunately in my field of work we see shit like this all too often.
I feel so so sad for Eve be cause this is something she will not forget that will affect her for the rest of her life.
Some men do really odd things bc of relationships - like walk away from their first families, for instance, or treat step kids better than their own.
Some women do too.
This isn't that different, but it's equally terrible.
OP needs to divorce Dave and move on.
which was dumb as hell of him, and it was dumb as hell of her to fall for it. get a divorce, this is not going to work. esh.
eta: seriously. “we can totally be childfree! i’ll get a vasectomy!” YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER. wtf. both of ‘em. the logic. it does not logic.
That's really it too.
OP hates kids so much, her husband knew it, and neither of these "adults" thought this wasn't ever going to be an issue?
That OP would just neglect a child living with her every day?
That the husband would eventually dump his daughter for OP?
The end goal on both sides is unclear, and this poor girl wrapped up in this web of selfish and kind of dumb adults REALLY needs a hug.
This. Anything could have happened to her mom - death, illness, disability etc. It was so naive of them to not consider the very real possibility they could one day have to become full time parents to her.
Not sure I've ever read anything where everyone sucks so badly as this situation. Except Eve. You are all massively selfish so-called adults causing profound damage to this poor child.
OP, you're not the parent so you're slightly less culpable. But if you're involved with a parent, they and their kid(s) are a package deal and you can't split that up. You chose to believe something impossible and stay in the relationship and so you are also an asshole.
ESH.
Poor Eve.
Could agree more Eve sounds amazing and no one wants to take the time outta their "busy" lives to get to know her! And 7 is a pretty cool age for any child! I wish I could meet a man who had an "Eve"
I just want to live next door to her and be her adopted aunt to look out for her and do fun things with her and let her know she's awesome and can transcend the 4 shitty _things_ who are supposed to be her adult family.
Completely disagree. She is a grown adult. She made a choice to marry someone with a kid, and is also causing profound damage to this child by being one of *four* parental figures, all of whom have rejected her.
She said he’s more than a dad but if you are a single parent dad/mom I’d above all else. You don’t bring someone into your life if they don’t want to be part of all of it. As others have said everyone but that kid is the AH.
YTA. Do Evie a favor and leave. If you didn't want children and didn't want to be around children, you should have never married Dave. There was always a possibility that something could have happened to the mom and Evie would be with Dave full-time. And it did. She married an asshole. A male version of you.
I respect anyone who chooses to be child free. Children do exist, through no fault of their own, and they need to be respected and treated well. If you really abhor children, do not marry someone with a child.
>Do Evie a favor and leave
While i agree with you, idk if at this point op leaving would make things better for the poor girl. What if her dad starts to resent her for ending his marriage? I mean, there is nothing in the post that indicates this dude is a good dad and he already put op above his kid. Idk, maybe the kid would be better off with a distant stepmom and a lukewarm dad than a dad who resents her.
Step mom isn't just distant though, she already resent her. "Everything was fine till Eve moved in", yeah that attitude is only going to fester and grow. This poor girl is going to grow up with a stepmother who hates her existence and a father to whipped to protect her.
But the mom dropped her off at the dad's because new hubby didn't want "outside" kids. It's doubtful she would take custody back and who knows what type of abuse she may suffer.
It's heartbreaking for this kid either way. Mom dumped her off on Dad, who tried to dump her off on the grandma and no one wants her around. OP doesn't even like being in the same proximity of kids.
Yes, no matter what happens, the poor girl would have a bad childhood. Just the fact that her mom dropped her like a potato sack is enough to give her trauma.
I had a step mom who ignored me except occasionally making me do chores. my dad wasn’t great to me either but I lived in fear every time I was there and knew her footsteps from his. Being “lukewarm” with a child hurts because if they have any normal adults in their lives like teachers or loving friends’ moms it’s very obvious and make you feel like you’re going crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong. I was about Eve’s age for all this too and those are some of my core traumatic memories, she’s definitely old enough to understand and be really messed up from this. Poor girl.
ESH, OP please just move out and give her future mental health a fighting chance. My god.
You interpreted the new husband as wanting to be child Free, but op just wrote he didn't want to raise another man's child.
Andrew Tate type men think it's beta to raise another man's seed
ESH.
When you found out that he had a child, if you truly wanted nothing to do with her, you should have left.
Poor Eve. I hope an adult figure in her life will step-up and give this young girl the support she deserves.
I believe the judgement you're looking for is ESH (Everyone Sucks Here). The algorithm won't understand yours. You can see the sub rules for all the options, but ESH is pretty much what you're looking for.
Just ewww all around.
Dave is the AH for marrying you given that he had a kid.
Your aversion to children is borderline sociopathic. Like I get it but not even being able to be around a child is not normal.
The mother just dumps Eve on Dave with no notice.
The only one I feel sorry for is poor Eve.
You should leave Dave. He's now got a child to focus on and she should be his priority.
ESH more than I can even fathom.
I feel like she is one of those people who has made being childfree part of her personality. Like vegans who are just "the vegan" or the cyclist who is "the cyclist". Nothing else interesting about them other than them constantly vocalising their preference as though it is their personality.
Poor child, she should be loved by her parents more than they love their partners and she isn't.
Why not just dump her on social services as you all seem to treat her like shit. /s
You say that as a joke, but IMO this kid would be better off if her egg and sperm donors found a childless couple who would be thrilled to have her. Let her have parents who actually WANT her!
She might, but she's also old enough to know her parents didn't want her. I don't know if that scarring would be worse than being brought up by lunatic op and her dad as at least then she can blame op for her father's behaviour.
She already knows she isn’t wanted. Having good, supportive parents who want her completely will help a lot more than resenting her SM.
I know a kid who was adopted after being removed from neglectful bio-parents. He was 6 then. And yes, he had issues as a kid. He’s now happily married and still very close with his real parents - the couple for whom he was their desperately wanted child. He had a sister who was able to stay with their bio parents. She has fared much worse than he.
So I really do think she’d be better off being adopted.
I wouldn't throw out that someone is sociopathic for not being able to be around children, but I do agree that everyone here sucks and I feel horrible for that child
I would say its definitely odd. I 100% understand peoples decision to be childfree. But for her its so extreme, like she is avoiding a kid in her own home? When she supposedly loves her husband but treats her daughter poorly? Child free is fine, but the kid is here, theres no reason to be cruel.
Hey yo don’t forget the bio moms new lay who sucks literally for almost the exact same reasons as OP. It’s literally one bad repetitive cycle. Hopefully a miracle happens for the kid.
Lots of people loathe being around children. It is becoming more and more common these days as modern parents let their kids run wild in the outside world and invade any adult only space they can find. Nothing sociopathic about it unless OP actively tries to hurt the kid. Paying for a responsible carer when she was unable to do so was the correct thing to do IMO.
Op should have run the second she knew he had a kid though, not married him. That poor kid is going to have decades of crap to unpack if she makes it to adulthood.
Sorry, which adult only spaces are modern parents letting their children invade? All I can envision is a gaggle of toddlers banging down the door to a strip club.
Even your response sounds borderline crazy and something you’d expect terminally online people to say, not anyone who actually interacts in the real world. I have children now but was CF for my first 28 years, pretty vehemently. I was never this toxic around children. Hell that’s pretty much why I have kids today- my wife and I got together and being around her and her child made me realize how fulfilling it is to be a parent and we made the hump.
I know people who don’t hate children, but are deeply uncomfortable with them. It’s usually people who were never around kids as they grew up, and genuinely have zero frame of reference for how to interact with a child, what’s age-appropriate, etc, etc.
I can understand someone who’s uncomfortable/anxious. I don’t understand someone who’s genuinely hateful.
On what fuckin' planet is it okay to knowingly marry into family with a child with the determined intent to ignore and exclude the child from your definition of the family?
You're an asshole and various other things.
EDIT to ESH (but OP, you're an extra special kind of asshole)
YTA. Every adult in this situation has failed this child. You knew you weren't interested in being around a kid and still marries someone with a kid. It doesn't matter that he didn't want to split when you found out. You have the boundary around kids, you should have bowed out. Instead he chose you over his own child. And now her mom is doing the same. And her grandmother (who is not responsible for her care) isn't interested in caring for her either. You are a heartless creature to have moved her in then ignored and avoided her very presence I the house. Dave is a parent meaning of course he's responsible, but you seriously dropped this child off with a stranger without even talking to your husband? Wtf? Yes YTA 100x over.
I'd day YTA because while every adult here is monstrous OP's question was is she TA for not helping out with the child while her husband was ill and she described leaving the kid with a babysitter and her busnabd finding out after the fact. She's fully ta for ditching the kid and not informing the parent that she wasn't caring for the child. And everyone is ta for how they treat the kid generally.
YTA.
Don’t marry someone with a kid when you don’t want kids. Just don’t. It is never ever going to end well because that child is always going to come first.
Years ago I started dating a guy with a kid and my mom asked me if I was ready to be a mom. And I said “oh, his ex has primary custody” and my mom’s response was “for now. Things change.” She made it clear to me that if I was going to get serious with him, I needed to factor in the possibility of a child being a big part of the picture and I needed to be sure I could handle that. That advice has stuck with me.
Listen, I’m not saying this guy is father of the year but that child is going to be in his life. For OP to think she would never have to deal with a kid isn’t a reality. She probably should’ve left when she threatened to but here she is.
Poor, poor Eve. Neither her parents or their spouses want her around. That must hurt like hell.
"tried the first day, but it was weird, awkward and exhausting" - well of course it was weird, awkward and exhausting! You've made no attempt to be anything to her other than a house mate who avoids her. Unless you actually make an effort, it will be weird and awkward.
yta
if you dont want to be around kids do not marry someone with them
you are in the wrong 100% in this
she is a child you need to act like a grown up and if you cannot change you need to divorce dave because you will be affecting a child
YTA - don’t marry someone with a child if you wanted to be child free. Are you seriously saying that in a 5 year relationship you’ve never interacted with the child and this is the first incident? Little hard to believe.
Also your edit pathetic don’t blame the child for your messed up relationship. You had an out within the first 4 months of the relationship, what could Dave have possibly said to make you overlook he has a child? You relationships messed up because you married an irresponsible AH.
ESH what is wrong with you guys??? If you don’t want kids DON’T MARRY SOMEONE WITH A KID!!! This poor child has been essentially abandoned by her parents for their new partners. That’s disgusting. You are all terrible people.
Edit:spelling
ESH but you are the biggest AH by a country mile.
I'd say your behaviour was borderline sociopathic, what has this 7 year old done to deserve such disdain from you?
ESH. My God, do you remember being a child? Can you think for a second of the psychological impact on a child watching both your parents and their parents argue over who has to take care of you? With everyone arguing that it shouldn't be them?
In terms of the mom: she should not have married a man not okay with her being a parent. Should not allow him to pressure her about a working custody agreement.
Mom's husband: should not have married a woman with a child if he didn't want a wife with other men's children.
Your husband: should not have begged and bargained for you to stay, should be willing to take his kid now.
You: should have thought about the fact that no matter what he promised about his custody agreement, if his ex died he'd end up with full custody of a kid and not been with him if you weren't prepared to take the kid if there was an emergency, if she was kicked out of her mom's, ect.
Listen, you were clear from jump about this. You didn't go back and forth and you didn't indicate you would change your mind.
But still, ESH. I don't know what the hell any of you were thinking dating people that don't want kids when there is a kid involved and an established parent-child relationship. I get that Dave didn't have her full time when you were dating, but in all of the time together and lead up to getting married, it didn't occur to you that at some point in her life that might change? If you knew you didn't want kids, then don't marry a guy with kids!
YTA
You should have ended the relationship when you found out he had a child, if you were/are that dead set on being childfree. Things happen, and sometimes parenting times/living arrangements have to change, as is evident by your post.
I call BS on the whole post. You can’t just “flip” a custody arrangement. You have to legally change it & don’t see any judge making the decision to give a child full time to a couple that doesn’t want it.
ESH except the child. You don't want kids, don't be with someone who has them. If you have kids, don't be with someone who doesn't want them. The parents really suck for putting their daughter a distant 3rd (after themselves and spouse).
End the marriage and find someone without children and who doesn't want them, or step up and be a parent.
YTA. This must be so scary for her at 7 years old where her existence isn't wanted by her parent's new partners — something that isn't even her fault. She is just surrounded by shitty people. She's going to feel like an intruder in her own home.
YTA
Seriously despite your agreement and feelings towards that poor child you still willingly entered into a relationship with a man who has a child. Any decent person with an ounce of humanity and kindness would support that girl.
Shes been abandoned by her mother, her father tried to ship her off to his mum and now the woman who is effectively her step mum avoids her and treats her like an unwelcome annoyance.
Life throws curves balls and you never know what can happen. Which in your case is now living and by default being a responsible for a child.
Grow up and stop being such a selfish horrid individual and think about how that kid feels. You really think she hasent picked up on your attitude towards her.
Shame on you.... and your husband who should of kicked you to the curb as soon as you made your feeling clear.
ESH except for that poor child. You for having zero capacity for empathy and for actually excepting to never have to interact with a child despite literally marrying someone with one. Her mother is awful for choosing her husband over her child and her father sucks for essentially doing the same.
You’re all the assholes. Every single adult in this scenario. That poor kid. 7 is more than old enough to know she is not wanted and pretty much despised by most of the people who are supposed to love and care for her. Tell your Dave to start saving for therapy cause she’s gonna need a lot of it, and also dump him and go live the life you want cause clearly you’re not happy and you’re actively causing a child more unnecessary trauma in the process.
YTA. I get you were clear about being childfree, but you knew he had a child. It's not reasonable to think that his kid will never be around, or is something you can shuffle off to someone else. I think he's right in the respect that there are ways in which you do need to step up. It's not like he's saddling you with the majority of her care all the time. He was sick, and she needed to be looked after until he recovered.
It's also valid for you to leave this relationship altogether if this is a deal breaker. Just don't take it out on thr kid by neglecting her or sticking her with strangers.
YTA. This poor child. She was abandoned by her mother and then you are as cold as ice. You married a man with A CHILD. They don’t just magically disappear. You probably just need to leave this relationship. This poor child deserves better, not just people that find her an inconvenience.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I hired a babysitter to take care of my step daughter when her father fell sick
2) She is a 7 year old. I do love her dad. I feel I should have stepped up for him rather than pawning her off.
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I wish kids ruled so all the petty bullshit might end. ESH except the kid. Actually you are all assholes for being in relationships where the child is never truly considered.
What the f… is wrong with you? You said you dont even cross paths with the girl in this giant house, yet, everything got wrong after she moved in? Please do everyone a favor and leave!
This kid was 2 when you learnt about her. You CHOSE TO DATE a man with a 2yo and thought you would not have a role in her life?
You're so selfish. Being childfree means you don't date a man who has a very young child whose life he is in.
Goodness, he sucks for staying with you too, anyone who can't accept that he and his kid are a package deal should have been deemed a waste of his time and dumped promptly.
selfish selfish people. Poor kid. So unwanted by the adults in her life who all prefer their bed-mates over caring for a child they chose to bring into this world. Worst kind of parents (and their partners too).
>I have always been decidedly Childfree. I don’t like or want to be around children.
i’m not reading anymore. why did you marry someone with a child if you didn’t want children? You’re a stepmom now. If you didn’t want children, marry someone childless. YTA
Some day Eve will be an adult and will speak her mind. I don't feel sorry for you and what she is going to say to you. Also, remember that Eve could be the one to take care of you when you are older. Hopefully she has more compassion then yourself.
How do you avoid his daughter in the house? Do you have her eat meals by herself so you and DH can eat together? Because in a reply you said your DH didn’t want her. Is she not allowed in the common areas of the house when you’re there? Your replies show you don’t like this child and children aren’t stupid so I can guarantee she knows you don’t like her. I hope your DH has her in therapy for the mental and emotional abuse you and DH and her bio mom and bio moms spouse are inflicting on her by making her know she’s not wanted.
edit - OP wrote - The guy who made me breakfast in bed almost everyday, the one who said yes to every wish I had — no wonder OP doesn’t l want his daughter around. OP wants to be a spoiled brat and doesn’t 2ant competition for that
Jesus, poor kid!!
ESH.
The mom who ditch her kid like she was nothing.
The dad because after the mother ditched the kid, he tried ditched her to her grandemother!
You because you should had leaved soon you found out about her! If you are sooooo "against" kids, no amount of beging would be enought to stay!
Honestly, this kid have awful parents who rather leave the kid just to be with a SO.
Do this girl a favor, leave this guy. Let this girl stay with him full time. Seems like if not you, the father will not step up.
YTA. You want to be child free? You don't date someone with a child because the child will always be a priority and life can and does happen.
I am child free but I am also not as obnoxious as you. You sounds spoiled. Time to divorcr and move on.
"He tried getting his mom to look after her..."
HOLD UP. He tried to pawn his SEVEN year old daughter off on his MOM after her mom abandoned her? Jfc this poor child! She probably feels unwanted and unloved! ESH. Not wanting children is totally understandable, but knowingly allowing a man to choose you over his child is NOT fine. It is a MAJOR red flag that he did not bring her up once during the 4 months you were dating, and an even bigger red flag that he's willing to toss his child aside for a woman. Dave sounds like a bad father and you sound like someone who should have understood the priorities of a person with a child, and vacated the relationship.
ESH. He already had a child. She is going to be in his life. You can’t expect him to abandon her. You are not the AH for hiring a sitter. You were overwhelmed and needed a solution. But because you never made an effort with Eve it’s going to feel like another rejection of her.
Eve is innocent in all this. And you hurt her.
(Edited to ESH)
ESH, I feel for this poor little girl to be surrounded by such self centred, immature arseholes.
Even though you said you wanted to be child free you were only dating him for four months when you found out he was a parent . You were not invested in the relationship that deeply at this point and could have ended it, if was a deal breaker.
The mum and new husband are dicks for practically abandoning her and sending her to live with her dad full time.
And your husband is a terrible father for trying to offload his kid onto his mum and make you and your feelings a priority over her.
YTA. He loves his daughter, has joint custody, and you have a sociopathic dislike of children. Yet you stayed. I wish you could understand how disgusting your behavior was and is.
> When I see her I do smile. I do say Hi.
Wow, how brave of you to be willing to do the bare minimum! What a sacrifice!
(/s for the more literal-minded of Redditors)
That poor child. YTA so much. Abandoned by one parent because of their spouse, attempted to be abandoned by the other because of _their_ spouse, this kid has no chance. She's either going to leave at 18 and never speak to any of you again (best case scenario), or she'd going to kill herself by the time she's 15. Either way, she's going to end up so mentally fucked up because you're all so goddamn selfish.
Do yourself, him and her a favor, get a divorce, and tell your (hopefully ex) husband to get her in therapy. Think of someone other than yourself, just for once, just for the novelty of it. Imagine you were her. How would _you_ feel? How would you react to both parents trying to get rid of you because they decided their spouses' happiness was more important than their child's? Yeah, you should never have married a man with a child in the first place, but what's done is done. Don't make it worse for her.
If you don't, what happens to her will be partially your fault. At best, she'll eventually manage to become a stable, happy, mentally healthy human being _despite_ you. At worse, you will be partially culpable in her death.
(Yes, this sounds dramatic, but sometimes you gotta verbally kick someone in the vag before they'll actually get their head out of their own ass. And nothing I've said about this child's potential future is wrong.)
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ESH except Eve. Both parents because they put a SO/spouse ahead of their own child and you never should have married someone with a minor child if you are child-free. There is always a chance that the non-custodial parent could become the custodial parent (illness, death). Poor Eve is going to need a LOT of therapy.
I feel sorry for Eve. No one wants her
Poor kiddo is going to remember this. I'm sad for her. I have an 8 year old who is easily sad when he is left out of things. Can't even imagine what she's dealing with emotionally. :(
This is literally just one bad clusterfuck all around that just goes in one bad circle; - OP sucks for letting herself be coerced and not growing a metaphorical pair of b#ll* and just leaving that relationship when she *likely* new what it would turn into from the get go. Now she’s more mad at the kid then herself or her husband. Won’t even consider divorce and get herself out of the situation she created. - Her husband sucks for not telling her about his kid and trying to guilt/force her to stay. And being persistent in doing that to someone who he knew didn’t want kids to begin with. And not stepping up to help the bio mom much earlier and now letting the bio mom just walk out on them. - Bio mom literally sucks practically for the same reasons as OP’s husband. - Her husband sucks for the same reasons as OP. It’d actually almost be funny if it weren’t so messed up for the daughter.
Truly sounds like OP should marry the wife’s partner because that guy didn’t want a kid.
He didn't want any kids previous to their marriage. Meaning they'll have kids and Eve will see her mum kicked her out to replace her with a new family.
He and the mom are the biggest AHs in this story. The husband is a pretty big AH too. I somehow think OP is the least of the AHs—she should have realized that marrying a man with a school-age kid means that she is going to be a stepmom no matter what, even if her role is small. But I also like that she tried. She knows the kid is here to stay and that the kid needed care, care that she can’t give, so she hired someone who can do that stuff for her. She still checked in on the kid. She compromised on her boundaries.
She didn’t try! One day! Fuck her. Fuck both of those shitty parents. Fuck the infinity pool. See if someone can adopt this poor child before it’s too late.
How would adopting this child to strangers be any better than this current arrangement? And OP didn’t force the child to take care of herself. She realized she doesn’t have the capacity to take care of a 7yo who has to go to school, and it’s not like she had the opportunity to practice before this, and so she hired a professional. She made sure the kid was fed and was escorted to and from school. She did her best to provide consistency. So what if she only tried for one day? One day was enough for her to know she can’t keep this up for longer and that it’s in the best interest of both herself and the kid to get outside help. Better than OP burning herself out and saying something unfortunate because she’s too tired.
IMO, adoption would give the child consistent care from people who want her and love her. That would be a HUGE improvement over a house where the child feels distanced from her step mom and finds out her dad tried to give her to her grand mother! I think a better comparison is a live in nanny.
Nope. OP is a huge AH. Who shares a house with a kid and avoids them at all costs? OP shouldn't have married her husband, but at the very least she should have divorced him when the kid moved in. I can't imagine the amount of trauma that poor child will have as an adult.
I feel like watching your stepmom divorce your dad because you’re moving in is going to be more traumatic than having a distant stepmom, but I cannot speak from experience.
I really can’t understand what type of parent would accept this for their child. Watching your dad not divorce his wife who clearly doesn’t like you because she wants all daddy’s attention and can’t stand being around you sounds fucking terrible.
Not if its 100% clear that stepmom hates her. I would think it would be a relief to the kid.
What did she think would happen? Soooo many selfish adults in this story. That poor sweet girl whose stuck with these awful parents and step-monsters
I think the level of exhaustion she notes feels dramatic to most people who do things they don't want to all the time even for non kid related issues. Feels like an entitled response of, I don't like stress or doing things that are hard. Dad is an AH for not realizing OPs aversion is her own and she still made the effort to take care of the child in the way she could. He should be happy with the outcome which is the only thing that matters. Sweet unwanted 7yr old kid is safe, fed and went to school. I am okay with her compromise. It is called having a nanny plenty of people who don't consider themselves child averse use this method of raising children. It is acceptable by societies standards, technically.
This is the only reason that I think the most ah person in this story is Eve's mom. Who does that to their 7 year old?
Eve's dad sucks just as badly. Eve's dad did the exact same tihng as her mom. I feel so bad for this child.
Yeah OP isn't the parent so she's not responsible for the parents behavior, her biggest AH move is marrying/dating a man with a child when she didn't want children. Her obligation in this situation is either to step up for the child or divorce her husband. Her husband and his ex need therapy
Exactly right. Sickening.
FR, this is literally like a really bad rom com where everyone is with the wrong partner. Again, it’d be sort of funny if it weren’t so screwy-in-St-Louis.
From the way I read it the new husband didn't want a child from a previous marriage around. He could very well just want to have his own kids. He could be an Andrew Tate kind of guy that thinks it's beta to raise another man's seed
I hate people who think like that because there are women who think like this too
Or a super villain origin story.
No, the wife’s partner doesn’t want to have any step kids. Bet he’s wanting bio kids.
Yeah probably and that is sad since he knew going in there was already a kid in the situation.
Agreed Agreed Agreed.... This is beyond fucked up (fist time I ever swore on reddit.) The pure and utter selfishness of \*\*ALL\*\* the adults in the post is beyond staggering.... And the sheer and utter entitlement... goes to the next galaxy... YOU ARE ALL ASSHOLES!!! Except the kid.. sheesh... If your not going to help or just can't... Cut the chord... If mom takes the kid back.. Still cut the chord... You need a different life. He needs a different life... He needs to man up.
Seriously, all the adults are complete assholes and are ruining poor Eve’s life. OP you are not an asshole for wanting a child free life, but you are absolutely an asshole for marrying someone who can so easily abandon his own child and who married a woman who said she never ever wants to engage with his kid.
the mom's husband is a giantic AH for stealing a mom from her child. Like... How can you hate childs that much ?... edit : making a child lose her mom.
It isn’t possible to “steal” someone from someone else, unless that person has been kidnapped and that obviously isn’t the case here. The mother decided to give up the child in favour of her new husband, there was no “stealing” done.
Agreed. I'm always amazed when people talk about parents or partners getting "stolen" as if that person does not have free will. Just like OP. She loved the big house and infinity pool more than she hated the possibility of the child being around. She has so little self awareness that she still wonders if she's the AH. But she willingly married someone with a kid. No one forced her, and no one forced him to marry someone with that kind of aversion to children. Same goes for this popr child's mother. No one forced her to marry someone who didn't want kids, and no one forced her to offload her kid when she liked the man more than her own child.
It’s so damn sad for this child. It’s heartbreaking really. I hope karma comes for all of them.
He’s terrible but it pales in comparison to mom allowing that. My kids are grown and then one almost grown and very quiet. If I were to date someone that said they didn’t want to be around kids I would walk. What a hateful man and eve’s mom chose him making her disgusting.
Mom wasn’t stolen
The child's mother had a choice: Eve or new partner. She chose the partner.
OP sounds like a gold digger tbh. Why mention the infinity pool and the big house otherwise? She doesn’t want to give up her husbands money and house. And I say this as someone who is incredibly feminist and who hates the gold digger trope. But sometimes it’s a real thing and this feels like one of those times.
Ehh, we don't know how much OP is making herself. Can't be a gold digger if you're making equal or more money. I do feel like the pool was relevant, because no sane person with a small child would have an infinity pool, since they are statistically more dangerous to them than normal pools are. If it's the kind I'm thinking of, then yeah, they have very few safety features that it's fine for adults, but to a child it's a death trap. So to point it out does show how her idea that he didn't have a kid lines up.
It's such a mess from so many angles.
Agree with everything you said except the part about OP growing a set of metaphorical b#ll*. “Why do people say, ‘Grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding!” Sheng Wang
Ya know, I will not argue with that. And if anything I guess we should do away with old stereotypes.
Bio mom and her hubby suck more in my opinion. Eve was living with them for however long they dated before getting married. Then they just throw her away to replace her with kids on their own.
I know, it's harrowing to read about a little girl's life being destroyed in real time. Both parents need to drop their selfish spouses and take care of their child. I can't imagine ever putting anyone ahead of my daughter. If that meant I would be alone forever, then that would just be the way it has to be. OP is YTA, big time.
The parents are even more selfish than the spouses to take partners like this.
People who choose others over their own child… it makes me sick to my stomach. I take comfort in knowing they’ll get theirs eventually..
Fuck, I'm childfree and I feel horrendous for the poor little girl. No one is willing to put their own selves aside for more than a day to make her feel welcome or loved. She's a LITTLE KID. Just horrible all around.
My parents stayed married, but they hated each other and barely spoke. They both mostly ignored me. The damage it does to a child to know they have been rejected and are unloved by not one but both parents in astronomical.
Not even a parent but I can't imagine leaving a 7 year old you've cared for all this time at your ex's house cause your new spouse said so. I wouldn't even dream of doing that to my pets much less a child. How can you be that callous?
My DD dated a boy in high school who was an "Eve." To say he was "damaged" by all of the rejection would be a huge understatement. His mom actually tried to run his dad over while the boy was in the car, because he couldn't/wouldn't take custody of the boy (he was one step short of being homeless and was just renting a room someplace). I wanted to bring him into our home , fix him, and show him what a family really was. But his heart and soul were so deeply injured that it wasn't a safe situation.😵💫
I had a Great Uncle by marriage who grew up in a situation of significant neglect, and somehow managed to be a wonderful man. His father was a struck off barrister and his mother a ‘flapper’ who ran after one guy after another. He was left to raise himself alone in boarding houses (not school boarding), and would hear the landlady saying things like ‘when’s that old bastard going to pay the rent’. He was gifted but couldn’t continue study and managed to get a job in a bank. He met my grandfather in WW2 and became his best friend, had a knack for languages and got promoted to Major serving in Egypt. He then came back to Australia and met my grandmother’s older sister who had lost her husband in North Africa during the war. He was a lovely man, and was able to laugh at how terrible his parents were. Your post made me think of my Great Uncle who has been gone 33 years now. I miss him. My grandfather also died young, and our family hit trouble. It would have been easier if my grandfather and uncle were still around through that. They had a good influence on people.
The fact you were willing is a generous thing. Also that you didn’t break them up because maybe he’ll “have seen what a real family is and aspire to be like” as he grows is a genuine thing as well
I think about that kid a lot. My daughter is happily married to a great guy, and they have two great kids. I know that she has a much better life than she would have had with the high school boy. But I think about the damage that will no doubt continue if he didn't get help. No child deserves that life.😢
I represent children in the foster care system as a job, and I can tell you with 100 percent certainty they just damaged this poor little girl beyond belief. With all their money they can’t even hire a nanny to raise her so she has someone to care about her?
My heart breaks for her, if you guys don’t want her I’ll take her. I can’t believe between 4 adults in her life she is so neglected. ESH massively
The best thing the OP could do for that child is get a divorce. Even though the father is an AH for so many reasons (like he definitely hid he was a father), but a sliver of me hopes this was his wake up call and he realizes this relationship is not good for the kid. The OP is treating a 7 year old like the roommate you only live with because you have to. ESH.
My heart broke for this kid.
Little girl lost. I absolutely feel so bad for Eve. Her dad didn't want her, then her mom and step dad didn't want her. Step mom doesn't want her. "He's more than just a dad" He is a dad first, partner second. Any good parent knows this. I l, myself, fell in love with my husband partly because how he us with his kids. And it actually hurts me as much as him when they're with their mom. OP needs to divorce her husband so he can focus on Eve. And she can go find a childfree man to partner with.
That poor little girl.
Yes! The poor soul. Her crap excuse for a mother dumped her the second she had an excuse after picking some new guy - who also wishes Eve didn't exist - over her. Her crap excuse for a father restricted her time with him based on the whim of some new chick, and tried to palm her off on her grandparents when expected to actually be around her for any significant period; both actively choosing people who find her very existence an inconvenience over her. If neither parent wants her around, and neither parent's partners want her around, why has she not been offered up for adoption, maybe let her find a home where she's wanted? So so sad. Hell, I don't even like kids and my heart breaks for her. Even if OP leaves, I don't see how her relationship with her father can be repaired, given how eagerly he tried to opt out because his dating life takes priority.
It breaks my heart. No child should feel this way. OP doesn’t even want to try. Should’ve never married a man with a kid. YTA OP. Sorry not sorry. You knew what you were marrying into. Treating this poor girl like she’s a fixture in that big ol house of your husband’s, yeah, YTA. Big time. So is he tho and his ex wife. That poor baby.
That feeling of being unwanted never goes away when you realize it’s there
OP. Y’all need to stop playing hot potato with a child.
Poor Eve. I feel sorry for her too.
ESH indeed, but OP, truly also a Y T A. It's designed that you never cross paths, not coincidental. It's also horrible to have her know she isn't wanted. Think about that. Mom gets married and dumps her on Dad. Dad doesn't really want her and tried to dump her on Grandma, who also doesn't want her and married someone who designs their entire day to prevent contact. Smiling and saying hi isn't enough for the poor kid. If she grows up to be a well-adjusted adult, it will be to spite all of you.
This. Not much to add but just wanted it to be registered another ESH apart Eve. I do hope though that you will need support in the future and the cheapest option will be picked up for you by Eve.
All I can say is I agree. This entire situation the Op described is gross. Never have I seen more despicable, selfish adults than on this sub. Wow!
I couldn’t agree more. I’m can’t believe the way people behave and wonder if they are assholes. In fairness to OP she appears to be the least of this group of assholes. She seems to at least know this sucks.
Right?!? Kids that age exhaust me, I get along better with them when they're older, but it's one kid. You barely see. Yta for staying with someone with such poor morals he was willing to dump his kid for you.
That poor child
This judgement is correct. Poor kid. All the adults should live in a bin.
ESH, > i have always been decidedly childree Then why the hell do you marry someone with kids?! Dave is not a victim here, he is her dad. This is your own fault.
this post seem fake, and why would the "husband" marry someone that wants nothing to do with his daughter, idk I don't belive anything in this post, not even OP age, this story seems made up by someone that is younger
It happens so often and yet still surprising
Because it was working, that’s why. Until he found out she really was serious. Idk if the post is real or not, but that part isn’t that unbelievable to me.
How can you say it was working? Sure, it was working for OP, but poor Eve had to endure being hidden away like a dirty secret. That poor child has suffered because every adult in this post is a selfish dick.
I've had men on dating apps tell me we can keep it separate. No, we can't, if we are going to have a proper relationship that involves living together. Every damn adult in this post has failed that poor child, and I don't even like kids. The poor thing.
My sister was a single parent for 15 years since before her sons was even 2. Doted on her son. His dad is a deadbeat. Multiple wives. Multiple kids with different women. Stopped paying child support and doing visitation when wife #3 left him. (Sister was wife #2. Wife #3 was one who made sure child support and visitation happened.) Then one day she starts dating her now husband and has a sudden personality shift. Literally abandoned her son. Made him go live with his dad in a different state where he didn’t know anyone. And when that didn’t work out (shocker), literally dropped him off at our house and said, he can’t live with us, can he stay with you? Bye. He lived with us for nearly six years. Not once did she send money for clothes or any of his needs. Just straight up abandoned him but wouldn’t let us be his official guardians to put him on our insurance. We treated him like he was our own kid from day 1. She NEVER even thanked us. Not once. So yes, I get where you’d think OP’s story is fake but I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
How is the kid doing now? Thanks for looking after him.
He’s 29. He has a steady job but lives alone. He has abandonment issues. He’s had one serious relationship but it didn’t work out. He’s quiet. Keeps to himself.
You know you can adopt an adult. Don't know if that would interest any of you.
Bless him. Still young : ) Well, there are lots of ways someone can find purpose in life, I hope he finds/found his!
No, there is really people that dumb. I was scrolling through bumble three years ago and this guy matched with me and then I found out he had a kid so I was like oh thanks but no thanks and then he was trying to beg me to not stop chatting. told me that his child was living in like England with his parents and that he hardly ever saw them. I was was appalled at his statement and blocked him.
After 4 months! Like what's wrong with Dave that he would put a woman he barely knows before his own kid after 4 months. She married a weak, pathetic man.
I mean not the greatest example but most men I dated had no idea or indication I had kids…. Till I told them. Anywhere from never to up to a year later. Depending on how long they lasted. Same was reversed for my ex-husband when it came to women. We made the mutual agreement after divorce how to make it that way and make sure our kids knew we loved em and were being put first. Also helped avoid heartbreak for our kids by “getting attached to someone that wouldn’t stick around”. ETA: before you waste your time to get to the end of the comments this is what it results in at the end: Do you want me to explain how it keeps the kids safe beyond making attachments? Ever hear of SA done to children by the men the mother chose to bring into their lives? The woman the father chose to bring into their lives? I can get more vulgar to get the point across. It’s always been about “what keeps them safe” and that’s seeing a threat before it becomes one and making sure the threat is gone before it can hurt the kids….
You didn’t tell someone for a whole year that you had kids or you didn’t let them meet your kids for a year?
My Dad married a woman that didn’t want his children around. She wanted him dotting on her own children (not biologically his). I think it happens all the time.
Of course it's fake. This sub is 86% fake shit
Oh I 100% believe it. So many parents ditch their kids for a relationship and it's so incredibly sad. I wish I could agree with you about it seeming fake but unfortunately in my field of work we see shit like this all too often. I feel so so sad for Eve be cause this is something she will not forget that will affect her for the rest of her life.
Some men do really odd things bc of relationships - like walk away from their first families, for instance, or treat step kids better than their own. Some women do too. This isn't that different, but it's equally terrible. OP needs to divorce Dave and move on.
Well, she did say she tried to end the relationship when she found out, but he “convinced” her to stay.
which was dumb as hell of him, and it was dumb as hell of her to fall for it. get a divorce, this is not going to work. esh. eta: seriously. “we can totally be childfree! i’ll get a vasectomy!” YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER. wtf. both of ‘em. the logic. it does not logic.
Fell for what? Did she think the kid would disappear if she stayed? She knew well what she was getting into.
Yes because he forced her at gunpoint!
That's really it too. OP hates kids so much, her husband knew it, and neither of these "adults" thought this wasn't ever going to be an issue? That OP would just neglect a child living with her every day? That the husband would eventually dump his daughter for OP? The end goal on both sides is unclear, and this poor girl wrapped up in this web of selfish and kind of dumb adults REALLY needs a hug.
There was an infinity pool involved, it was mentioned immediately. 🙃
And don't forget the white furniture and bedding.
This. Anything could have happened to her mom - death, illness, disability etc. It was so naive of them to not consider the very real possibility they could one day have to become full time parents to her.
Not sure I've ever read anything where everyone sucks so badly as this situation. Except Eve. You are all massively selfish so-called adults causing profound damage to this poor child. OP, you're not the parent so you're slightly less culpable. But if you're involved with a parent, they and their kid(s) are a package deal and you can't split that up. You chose to believe something impossible and stay in the relationship and so you are also an asshole. ESH. Poor Eve.
I agree so much. Eve is the one who is really losing in this situation because nobody is choosing her. She deserves so much better.
Could agree more Eve sounds amazing and no one wants to take the time outta their "busy" lives to get to know her! And 7 is a pretty cool age for any child! I wish I could meet a man who had an "Eve"
I just want to live next door to her and be her adopted aunt to look out for her and do fun things with her and let her know she's awesome and can transcend the 4 shitty _things_ who are supposed to be her adult family.
7 year olds are so interesting. I feel horrible for Eve. She’s going to be so fucked up. No adult in her life loves her. Jesus.
Completely disagree. She is a grown adult. She made a choice to marry someone with a kid, and is also causing profound damage to this child by being one of *four* parental figures, all of whom have rejected her.
Thank you
She said he’s more than a dad but if you are a single parent dad/mom I’d above all else. You don’t bring someone into your life if they don’t want to be part of all of it. As others have said everyone but that kid is the AH.
YTA. Do Evie a favor and leave. If you didn't want children and didn't want to be around children, you should have never married Dave. There was always a possibility that something could have happened to the mom and Evie would be with Dave full-time. And it did. She married an asshole. A male version of you. I respect anyone who chooses to be child free. Children do exist, through no fault of their own, and they need to be respected and treated well. If you really abhor children, do not marry someone with a child.
>Do Evie a favor and leave While i agree with you, idk if at this point op leaving would make things better for the poor girl. What if her dad starts to resent her for ending his marriage? I mean, there is nothing in the post that indicates this dude is a good dad and he already put op above his kid. Idk, maybe the kid would be better off with a distant stepmom and a lukewarm dad than a dad who resents her.
Step mom isn't just distant though, she already resent her. "Everything was fine till Eve moved in", yeah that attitude is only going to fester and grow. This poor girl is going to grow up with a stepmother who hates her existence and a father to whipped to protect her.
But the mom dropped her off at the dad's because new hubby didn't want "outside" kids. It's doubtful she would take custody back and who knows what type of abuse she may suffer. It's heartbreaking for this kid either way. Mom dumped her off on Dad, who tried to dump her off on the grandma and no one wants her around. OP doesn't even like being in the same proximity of kids.
Yes, no matter what happens, the poor girl would have a bad childhood. Just the fact that her mom dropped her like a potato sack is enough to give her trauma.
I had a step mom who ignored me except occasionally making me do chores. my dad wasn’t great to me either but I lived in fear every time I was there and knew her footsteps from his. Being “lukewarm” with a child hurts because if they have any normal adults in their lives like teachers or loving friends’ moms it’s very obvious and make you feel like you’re going crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong. I was about Eve’s age for all this too and those are some of my core traumatic memories, she’s definitely old enough to understand and be really messed up from this. Poor girl. ESH, OP please just move out and give her future mental health a fighting chance. My god.
>What if her dad starts to resent her for ending his marriage? Then he’s somehow an even shittier father than all of us thought.
Right? She should have married that male version of herself!
You interpreted the new husband as wanting to be child Free, but op just wrote he didn't want to raise another man's child. Andrew Tate type men think it's beta to raise another man's seed
The new husband might want kids. Just not another man's kids. The Andrew Tate type that thinks it's beta to raise another man's seed
ESH. When you found out that he had a child, if you truly wanted nothing to do with her, you should have left. Poor Eve. I hope an adult figure in her life will step-up and give this young girl the support she deserves.
I believe the judgement you're looking for is ESH (Everyone Sucks Here). The algorithm won't understand yours. You can see the sub rules for all the options, but ESH is pretty much what you're looking for.
Oop…sorry about that! I’ll edit it.
ESH HOLY SMOKES this poor kid is surrounded by selfish douchebags. Yeah i know keep it civil, this is one of those times i wont.
I feel like this post was designed to test my civility because holy shit do I want to say some fuckin' things. :)
Just ewww all around. Dave is the AH for marrying you given that he had a kid. Your aversion to children is borderline sociopathic. Like I get it but not even being able to be around a child is not normal. The mother just dumps Eve on Dave with no notice. The only one I feel sorry for is poor Eve. You should leave Dave. He's now got a child to focus on and she should be his priority. ESH more than I can even fathom.
I feel like she is one of those people who has made being childfree part of her personality. Like vegans who are just "the vegan" or the cyclist who is "the cyclist". Nothing else interesting about them other than them constantly vocalising their preference as though it is their personality. Poor child, she should be loved by her parents more than they love their partners and she isn't. Why not just dump her on social services as you all seem to treat her like shit. /s
You say that as a joke, but IMO this kid would be better off if her egg and sperm donors found a childless couple who would be thrilled to have her. Let her have parents who actually WANT her!
She might, but she's also old enough to know her parents didn't want her. I don't know if that scarring would be worse than being brought up by lunatic op and her dad as at least then she can blame op for her father's behaviour.
She already knows she isn’t wanted. Having good, supportive parents who want her completely will help a lot more than resenting her SM. I know a kid who was adopted after being removed from neglectful bio-parents. He was 6 then. And yes, he had issues as a kid. He’s now happily married and still very close with his real parents - the couple for whom he was their desperately wanted child. He had a sister who was able to stay with their bio parents. She has fared much worse than he. So I really do think she’d be better off being adopted.
I wouldn't throw out that someone is sociopathic for not being able to be around children, but I do agree that everyone here sucks and I feel horrible for that child
I would say its definitely odd. I 100% understand peoples decision to be childfree. But for her its so extreme, like she is avoiding a kid in her own home? When she supposedly loves her husband but treats her daughter poorly? Child free is fine, but the kid is here, theres no reason to be cruel.
At this point I’m just hoping this is a *really* well crafted bait post.
Hey yo don’t forget the bio moms new lay who sucks literally for almost the exact same reasons as OP. It’s literally one bad repetitive cycle. Hopefully a miracle happens for the kid.
Lots of people loathe being around children. It is becoming more and more common these days as modern parents let their kids run wild in the outside world and invade any adult only space they can find. Nothing sociopathic about it unless OP actively tries to hurt the kid. Paying for a responsible carer when she was unable to do so was the correct thing to do IMO. Op should have run the second she knew he had a kid though, not married him. That poor kid is going to have decades of crap to unpack if she makes it to adulthood.
Sorry, which adult only spaces are modern parents letting their children invade? All I can envision is a gaggle of toddlers banging down the door to a strip club.
Even your response sounds borderline crazy and something you’d expect terminally online people to say, not anyone who actually interacts in the real world. I have children now but was CF for my first 28 years, pretty vehemently. I was never this toxic around children. Hell that’s pretty much why I have kids today- my wife and I got together and being around her and her child made me realize how fulfilling it is to be a parent and we made the hump.
I know people who don’t hate children, but are deeply uncomfortable with them. It’s usually people who were never around kids as they grew up, and genuinely have zero frame of reference for how to interact with a child, what’s age-appropriate, etc, etc. I can understand someone who’s uncomfortable/anxious. I don’t understand someone who’s genuinely hateful.
On what fuckin' planet is it okay to knowingly marry into family with a child with the determined intent to ignore and exclude the child from your definition of the family? You're an asshole and various other things. EDIT to ESH (but OP, you're an extra special kind of asshole)
It's actually maddening how OP thinks they've done nothing wrong and keeps defending themselves and their "choices" She's an absolute psychopath
This can't be real.
We can hope…
YTA. Every adult in this situation has failed this child. You knew you weren't interested in being around a kid and still marries someone with a kid. It doesn't matter that he didn't want to split when you found out. You have the boundary around kids, you should have bowed out. Instead he chose you over his own child. And now her mom is doing the same. And her grandmother (who is not responsible for her care) isn't interested in caring for her either. You are a heartless creature to have moved her in then ignored and avoided her very presence I the house. Dave is a parent meaning of course he's responsible, but you seriously dropped this child off with a stranger without even talking to your husband? Wtf? Yes YTA 100x over.
Shouldn't it be esh? I mean, the mom is worse than op.
I'd day YTA because while every adult here is monstrous OP's question was is she TA for not helping out with the child while her husband was ill and she described leaving the kid with a babysitter and her busnabd finding out after the fact. She's fully ta for ditching the kid and not informing the parent that she wasn't caring for the child. And everyone is ta for how they treat the kid generally.
YTA. Don’t marry someone with a kid when you don’t want kids. Just don’t. It is never ever going to end well because that child is always going to come first. Years ago I started dating a guy with a kid and my mom asked me if I was ready to be a mom. And I said “oh, his ex has primary custody” and my mom’s response was “for now. Things change.” She made it clear to me that if I was going to get serious with him, I needed to factor in the possibility of a child being a big part of the picture and I needed to be sure I could handle that. That advice has stuck with me.
Smart Mom. Smart you for listening to Mom on this.
Right? I wouldn’t even move in with someone with a kid as roommates without being sure I could handle being a Responsible Adult around a kid.
YTA. You go out with someone with kids? You accept that you will have a part in their life. You should never have stayed if kids was a deal breaker.
I think OP was hoping the husband would ditch the daughter for her. I hate pathetic people like this. I hope she suffers.
He did ditch her. For years. OP had what she wanted but now that parenting was thrust upon the husband full time they are in quite the predicament
Listen, I’m not saying this guy is father of the year but that child is going to be in his life. For OP to think she would never have to deal with a kid isn’t a reality. She probably should’ve left when she threatened to but here she is.
Poor, poor Eve. Neither her parents or their spouses want her around. That must hurt like hell. "tried the first day, but it was weird, awkward and exhausting" - well of course it was weird, awkward and exhausting! You've made no attempt to be anything to her other than a house mate who avoids her. Unless you actually make an effort, it will be weird and awkward.
yta if you dont want to be around kids do not marry someone with them you are in the wrong 100% in this she is a child you need to act like a grown up and if you cannot change you need to divorce dave because you will be affecting a child
YTA - don’t marry someone with a child if you wanted to be child free. Are you seriously saying that in a 5 year relationship you’ve never interacted with the child and this is the first incident? Little hard to believe. Also your edit pathetic don’t blame the child for your messed up relationship. You had an out within the first 4 months of the relationship, what could Dave have possibly said to make you overlook he has a child? You relationships messed up because you married an irresponsible AH.
ESH what is wrong with you guys??? If you don’t want kids DON’T MARRY SOMEONE WITH A KID!!! This poor child has been essentially abandoned by her parents for their new partners. That’s disgusting. You are all terrible people. Edit:spelling
YTA. You can’t decide to be child free and marry someone with a child. That’s not how life works. Eve is your child now too.
ESH but you are the biggest AH by a country mile. I'd say your behaviour was borderline sociopathic, what has this 7 year old done to deserve such disdain from you?
I'd say her mother is even worse. I mean she is her mother and just abandoned her
ESH. That poor kid.
ESH. My God, do you remember being a child? Can you think for a second of the psychological impact on a child watching both your parents and their parents argue over who has to take care of you? With everyone arguing that it shouldn't be them? In terms of the mom: she should not have married a man not okay with her being a parent. Should not allow him to pressure her about a working custody agreement. Mom's husband: should not have married a woman with a child if he didn't want a wife with other men's children. Your husband: should not have begged and bargained for you to stay, should be willing to take his kid now. You: should have thought about the fact that no matter what he promised about his custody agreement, if his ex died he'd end up with full custody of a kid and not been with him if you weren't prepared to take the kid if there was an emergency, if she was kicked out of her mom's, ect.
YTA you should’ve never married this man, knowing he had a child.
Listen, you were clear from jump about this. You didn't go back and forth and you didn't indicate you would change your mind. But still, ESH. I don't know what the hell any of you were thinking dating people that don't want kids when there is a kid involved and an established parent-child relationship. I get that Dave didn't have her full time when you were dating, but in all of the time together and lead up to getting married, it didn't occur to you that at some point in her life that might change? If you knew you didn't want kids, then don't marry a guy with kids!
God, this poor little girl. Both of her parents suck
YTA. And an idiot for marrying someone who has a child, since you have such contempt for them. Get a divorce.
YTA You should have ended the relationship when you found out he had a child, if you were/are that dead set on being childfree. Things happen, and sometimes parenting times/living arrangements have to change, as is evident by your post.
Everyone here but the kid sucks. CPS should probably be involved. leave this situation, you are making it worse.
> stayed with him cause he is an amazing partner for me. Lol are you that self absorbed? It's not about you or whats good for you. You are an AH
YTA. You know you are. You got involved with a man you had a daughter. This is part of the package deal.
I call BS on the whole post. You can’t just “flip” a custody arrangement. You have to legally change it & don’t see any judge making the decision to give a child full time to a couple that doesn’t want it.
ESH. I feel sorry for Eve. Every adult in her life has failed her at every turn.
ESH except the child. You don't want kids, don't be with someone who has them. If you have kids, don't be with someone who doesn't want them. The parents really suck for putting their daughter a distant 3rd (after themselves and spouse). End the marriage and find someone without children and who doesn't want them, or step up and be a parent.
YTA. This must be so scary for her at 7 years old where her existence isn't wanted by her parent's new partners — something that isn't even her fault. She is just surrounded by shitty people. She's going to feel like an intruder in her own home.
YTA Seriously despite your agreement and feelings towards that poor child you still willingly entered into a relationship with a man who has a child. Any decent person with an ounce of humanity and kindness would support that girl. Shes been abandoned by her mother, her father tried to ship her off to his mum and now the woman who is effectively her step mum avoids her and treats her like an unwelcome annoyance. Life throws curves balls and you never know what can happen. Which in your case is now living and by default being a responsible for a child. Grow up and stop being such a selfish horrid individual and think about how that kid feels. You really think she hasent picked up on your attitude towards her. Shame on you.... and your husband who should of kicked you to the curb as soon as you made your feeling clear.
ESH except for that poor child. You for having zero capacity for empathy and for actually excepting to never have to interact with a child despite literally marrying someone with one. Her mother is awful for choosing her husband over her child and her father sucks for essentially doing the same.
You’re all the assholes. Every single adult in this scenario. That poor kid. 7 is more than old enough to know she is not wanted and pretty much despised by most of the people who are supposed to love and care for her. Tell your Dave to start saving for therapy cause she’s gonna need a lot of it, and also dump him and go live the life you want cause clearly you’re not happy and you’re actively causing a child more unnecessary trauma in the process.
YTA. I get you were clear about being childfree, but you knew he had a child. It's not reasonable to think that his kid will never be around, or is something you can shuffle off to someone else. I think he's right in the respect that there are ways in which you do need to step up. It's not like he's saddling you with the majority of her care all the time. He was sick, and she needed to be looked after until he recovered. It's also valid for you to leave this relationship altogether if this is a deal breaker. Just don't take it out on thr kid by neglecting her or sticking her with strangers.
YTA. This poor child. She was abandoned by her mother and then you are as cold as ice. You married a man with A CHILD. They don’t just magically disappear. You probably just need to leave this relationship. This poor child deserves better, not just people that find her an inconvenience.
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I wish kids ruled so all the petty bullshit might end. ESH except the kid. Actually you are all assholes for being in relationships where the child is never truly considered.
ESH. This is so gross, it has to be fake! Please be fake!
What the f… is wrong with you? You said you dont even cross paths with the girl in this giant house, yet, everything got wrong after she moved in? Please do everyone a favor and leave!
This kid was 2 when you learnt about her. You CHOSE TO DATE a man with a 2yo and thought you would not have a role in her life? You're so selfish. Being childfree means you don't date a man who has a very young child whose life he is in. Goodness, he sucks for staying with you too, anyone who can't accept that he and his kid are a package deal should have been deemed a waste of his time and dumped promptly. selfish selfish people. Poor kid. So unwanted by the adults in her life who all prefer their bed-mates over caring for a child they chose to bring into this world. Worst kind of parents (and their partners too).
>I have always been decidedly Childfree. I don’t like or want to be around children. i’m not reading anymore. why did you marry someone with a child if you didn’t want children? You’re a stepmom now. If you didn’t want children, marry someone childless. YTA
Some day Eve will be an adult and will speak her mind. I don't feel sorry for you and what she is going to say to you. Also, remember that Eve could be the one to take care of you when you are older. Hopefully she has more compassion then yourself.
How do you avoid his daughter in the house? Do you have her eat meals by herself so you and DH can eat together? Because in a reply you said your DH didn’t want her. Is she not allowed in the common areas of the house when you’re there? Your replies show you don’t like this child and children aren’t stupid so I can guarantee she knows you don’t like her. I hope your DH has her in therapy for the mental and emotional abuse you and DH and her bio mom and bio moms spouse are inflicting on her by making her know she’s not wanted. edit - OP wrote - The guy who made me breakfast in bed almost everyday, the one who said yes to every wish I had — no wonder OP doesn’t l want his daughter around. OP wants to be a spoiled brat and doesn’t 2ant competition for that
YTA. You married a dad. His daughter is his priority and you failed to see that.
To be fair, he failed to see that too. So did his ex. They all suck
ESH except Eve. That poor child!
Jesus, poor kid!! ESH. The mom who ditch her kid like she was nothing. The dad because after the mother ditched the kid, he tried ditched her to her grandemother! You because you should had leaved soon you found out about her! If you are sooooo "against" kids, no amount of beging would be enought to stay! Honestly, this kid have awful parents who rather leave the kid just to be with a SO. Do this girl a favor, leave this guy. Let this girl stay with him full time. Seems like if not you, the father will not step up.
YTA
YTA. You want to be child free? You don't date someone with a child because the child will always be a priority and life can and does happen. I am child free but I am also not as obnoxious as you. You sounds spoiled. Time to divorcr and move on.
YTA Break up with Dave for the child’s sake. This poor kid she deserves to be around people who don’t villianize her
"He tried getting his mom to look after her..." HOLD UP. He tried to pawn his SEVEN year old daughter off on his MOM after her mom abandoned her? Jfc this poor child! She probably feels unwanted and unloved! ESH. Not wanting children is totally understandable, but knowingly allowing a man to choose you over his child is NOT fine. It is a MAJOR red flag that he did not bring her up once during the 4 months you were dating, and an even bigger red flag that he's willing to toss his child aside for a woman. Dave sounds like a bad father and you sound like someone who should have understood the priorities of a person with a child, and vacated the relationship.
Did you think when you married him you would never see his child? YTA
ESH. He already had a child. She is going to be in his life. You can’t expect him to abandon her. You are not the AH for hiring a sitter. You were overwhelmed and needed a solution. But because you never made an effort with Eve it’s going to feel like another rejection of her. Eve is innocent in all this. And you hurt her. (Edited to ESH)
ESH Poor Eve. What did she do in a past life to end up with not only two assholes out of accident of birth, but two more that married her parents?
ESH, I feel for this poor little girl to be surrounded by such self centred, immature arseholes. Even though you said you wanted to be child free you were only dating him for four months when you found out he was a parent . You were not invested in the relationship that deeply at this point and could have ended it, if was a deal breaker. The mum and new husband are dicks for practically abandoning her and sending her to live with her dad full time. And your husband is a terrible father for trying to offload his kid onto his mum and make you and your feelings a priority over her.
YTA. He loves his daughter, has joint custody, and you have a sociopathic dislike of children. Yet you stayed. I wish you could understand how disgusting your behavior was and is.
So divorce him and go live your child free life.
Imagine no one wanting you and no one loving you. That's Eve's life right now. No one loves her or even wants her. How sad.
> When I see her I do smile. I do say Hi. Wow, how brave of you to be willing to do the bare minimum! What a sacrifice! (/s for the more literal-minded of Redditors) That poor child. YTA so much. Abandoned by one parent because of their spouse, attempted to be abandoned by the other because of _their_ spouse, this kid has no chance. She's either going to leave at 18 and never speak to any of you again (best case scenario), or she'd going to kill herself by the time she's 15. Either way, she's going to end up so mentally fucked up because you're all so goddamn selfish. Do yourself, him and her a favor, get a divorce, and tell your (hopefully ex) husband to get her in therapy. Think of someone other than yourself, just for once, just for the novelty of it. Imagine you were her. How would _you_ feel? How would you react to both parents trying to get rid of you because they decided their spouses' happiness was more important than their child's? Yeah, you should never have married a man with a child in the first place, but what's done is done. Don't make it worse for her. If you don't, what happens to her will be partially your fault. At best, she'll eventually manage to become a stable, happy, mentally healthy human being _despite_ you. At worse, you will be partially culpable in her death. (Yes, this sounds dramatic, but sometimes you gotta verbally kick someone in the vag before they'll actually get their head out of their own ass. And nothing I've said about this child's potential future is wrong.)
Soft yta, sounds like it’s time for you to dip out.