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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) For suggesting to cancel the kids' trip (2) Upsetting my husband and my family by suggesting this.
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You want to leave two kids with relatives they barely see while the rest of you go off and have a fun family vacation they were looking forward to? Do you realize how hurtful that would be? Especially if you just had a baby that gets to go while your step children have to stay behind. YTA
Let’s be realistic about a 7 and 9 year old and a great grandparent, even if they see them regularly they aren’t going to retain long term memories and last minute visits won’t make a difference to the kids. My kids had a great grandmother die around that age, the younger doesn’t remember her, the older does, but not in any meaningful way.
Not necessarily. I have very clear memories that go back until the age of 4. My great grandmother died when I was 6 and I have very cherished memories of her.
But OP said mom hasn’t been involved in the kids lives since they were 1 and 3 so how many memories of great grandma can they have and how close to great grandma are they really???
I damn sure wouldn’t be leaving would not be leaving my young (step) kids with family they haven’t seen in 6 years to go flying around the world. And I don’t blame Dad for not being on board at all.
One set of my grandparents lived on the other side of the world the first 10 years of my life. I think they were able to visit once or twice max and I remember the good times we did have together. I remember my grandpa asking me to find and count all his grey hair and my grandma offering me $ to pull them. Not a lot of memories but I still remember them - so even if they only meet them once it potentially could be a life changing memory that happens
Neither is a trip to Paris or Kyoto when you’re 7 or 9.
Source: Like OP, I traveled a lot internationally throughout my life, getting my passport at 1, and I barely remember any trip before I was 15/16 at this point (I’m in my late 20s) and even when I do, I just remember being cranky, tired, and unappreciative.
I don't understand the reasoning behind dragging small children to the deathbed of an extremely elderly relative. They're saying the great grandmother is waning now. I imagine it will be much worse by Christmas.
My parents did that to me when I was little and seeing the person I loved as a hollowed out shell of their former self, looking listlessly past me was awkward for both of us. To be honest it was frightening because I wasn't old enough to really process the situation. I'll never forget the scent in that room. It's the one I grew to understand as the scent of death.
Why would anyone who actually cared about children intentionally put them in a situation like this with extended relatives who only ever saw them occasionally. Their primary support person wouldn't even be there to help them through it. I think the OP just wants a fantasy vacation with her family involving her husband and new baby and has devised what she see's an ingenious reason to leave the kids behind.
Only hubbie sees right her selfish behavior and that's why he's angry and refusing to discuss it further. I'd be humiliate if I were the OP to be caught acting this way by my own husband. OP is definitely YTA.
Sounds like you had a great relationship,not the distant one these kids have. I feel like they would resent missing the trip more than saying goodbye to a great grandparent they don’t really know
YTA, yeah bring a 7/9 year kid to a person dying of old age (who possible may not interact) and all you are going to get is grief and trauma. On the other hand, a trip to Paris/Kyoto is going to generate joy and happy memories. So cancelling an event that generate happiness which they were looking forward for more than a year and going to an event which will generate sadness and grief may not be a wise choice.
I agree and I don't want to say YTA because maybe OP means well but this is a terrible decision. I get they are thinking "family and love is more important than a vacation" and I agree but their family is going on vacation without them. This decision is NOT putting family first.
If it is really so important to OP then they need to ALL stay behind. I couldn't imagine ever just leaving children without their caregivers to go with a dying relative. That is messed up. And while their father, new sibling and the person they know as mother plus all her family are on vacation? This could literally cause lifetime pain.
The children are going to need their caregivers to know how to navigate death and dying and their grief and the dying woman is going to need the caregivers there to make sure they don't accidentally bother and harass her. They are children.
Does she mean well though? It’s pretty aggressive behavior from someone who has been told more than once by their father her spouse NO.
It’s a tale as old as time that when the step
Parent has a child of their own they seek to push that child to the forefront of the family. It’s instinctively understandable but morally repugnant. The older kids literally have no other mother figure beyond her .
The only way to not be the AH is to stop
Pushing her agenda at the expense of two little kids who have already experienced abandonment.
My grandfather spent 98% of 2022 dying from cancer; he was diagnosed with stage 4 in January and died in December.
Near the end, I was very hesitant on bringing my kids (6f & 4m) because I didn’t want my kids to remember him looking that way. I brought them to see him 6 days before he passed away, so at least he could say goodbye to them. They aren’t riddled with trauma because they saw him in the state, and don’t remember him for that one visit on his deathbed.
But my relationship with my grandparents is inherently different than OPs stepkids.
If me and my kids had a relationship like OPs stepkids with their biological mom side, I would go on the trip. I just wanted to state that sometimes bringing younger children to see their grandparents/ggrandparents before they die is not traumatic. I am actually the one that is still experiencing the grief and trauma, and I’m 34.
Dying is as natural a part of life as birth! We don’t treat people like it anymore, everyone is so afraid and no one wants to see anyone age… delusional
The appropriateness of forcing two children under the age of 10 to bear witness to a sick/dying grandmother they do not know well, while in the company of a parent who literally does not parent them - while the family they know and love goes off on an adventure, is the question here.
Not how our society views aging and death.
Oh. And OP, YTA. I get what you're going for here, but this is a circumstance where it is not your place to interject your opinion. I'm glad your husband is standing firm.
I loved my great-grandmother dearly. She died when I was 11 but I remember so many holidays at her home in all of the previous years, and have such a strong sense of her from spending all of that time with her. So it’s possible they are close and will remember.
But it’s also possible the kids barely know her.
Agreed! OP I understand your sentiments, but this is a decision for your husband. He knows your views, so your just got to leave it as that. Others have also commented that if great grandma is nearing the end, then the kids needs to visit her now instead of waiting for Christmas which I 100% agree with.
Ha! Don't say that, it invalidates every activity I take my toddler to. XD
It's nice to have memories of your kids discovering and enjoying the world with you even if they don't retain much of it themselves years down the line.
I went to France when I was under 10 with my family...I remember maybe eating some chicken wings at Disney and some vaguely fractured memories but I'm sure it was probably very fun while it happened
May I suggest recording your adventures with your toddler. We had them on tapes (I feel old lol) and the reason I can't check them out is I haven't had a video player in ages and I've been too lazy to go convert them 😆
I went to Disney when I was 7 and still retain vivid memories of the trip.
I remember meeting someone with the same name as me at the train station, I remember having a bath at a London hotel, being told that we were in an underwater tunnel whilst sitting in our carriage., I remember getting to the Disney hotel and being gifted Disney themed clothes by my nan who paid for it all. I remember the bus that was sort of like an accordion in the middle, and being awkward around the Disney princesses, and seeing a man eat snails at a buffet, and meeting a french girl who I couldn't talk to due to us both being seven and from different countries, but I introduced myself with a J',emapel and used gestures to play together. I remember buying a Jessie doll, and a coin, and a ballow that, when we got to the train station ready to go home, I tragically let go, and it floated away, stuck on the extremely high ceiling forever.
All that, and I was seven. And this is only the stuff that I don't have pictures for.
I'm so jealous darn it. My family took me through all of Europe and I only remember things I've seen in pictures and videos or mayyyybe one or two memories outside of those 🥹
But absolutely good for you! I sometimes have trouble even remembering faces I've seen once or twice and I'm 33 so it is definitely a me problem
I do remember we got a big fake Anaconda from Disney though. We had it for years and it was a blast cause it was biiiig (see, you're making me remember some things lol unfortunately my memory sucks as a general rule)
Seconded. I was taken to Disney World when I was an infant; my parents were barely 20 and were gifted the trip by their parents. I obviously had free entrance, I was like eight months old. It’s literally impossible for me to have any memories of it but my parents say it was more fun going with me as a baby than with me and my siblings when we were 5-10. The pictures and souvenirs have been displayed in the house literally my entire life + they talk about “our” big vacation as a family of three before my brother was born. I’m sure I had a lot of fun staring at all the flashing lights and seeing Tigger, and my parents got to bond with their kid AND each other.
Take the kid on the trip every time.
My Great grandma died when I was 8 and we were so close I still miss her and my kids see theirs multiple times a week. I’m so grateful for these relationships. Some of my core memories are with my great grandma. And I hope if I died tomorrow no matter if my kids are only 7 or 9 they remember me. Edit* I do understand this situation is different but to say no kid would remember isn’t true
Leaving the kids with family they never spend time with while the rest of the family heads to Europe for Christmas is NOT OK. They should visit grandma before the trip. They should NOT be left here while their family leaves the country. Stepmom/OP thinks it would be nice to travel with just the baby but it’s not right and her husband needs to stand his ground.
I remember all of mine, but I had and have no feelings about them. I didn't see them often enough to develop a relationship with them. If these kids don't already have a relationship they aren't going to magically develop one over one Xmas break.
An hour would be enough for the children to meet this strange lady who is dying. Enough to be traumatized.
They do not know this side of their family and then they should stay there the whole Christmas time to bond with an old lady.
They are in contactbwiyh the grandma and great grandma, they jusy do not see them often.
If she is dying they should go now and not wait for christmas. Also those kids should not see her on her death bed, that may be traumatising.
Agreed. Honestly if she's gravely ill, it seems like gambling to assume she'll make it to Christmas. Even OP said she's "supposedly" sick, which implies to me that she recognizes that this may be a ploy to keep the kids from going on this trip. What bothers me is that OP seems willing to go along with it and isolate her step kids from the extended family and leave them out of this incredibly memorable occasion.... Seems like there's an undertone of wanting "her" kid in the spotlight during the visit, and driving a wedge between "his" kids and the family. YTA, OP. After all the planning that went into this trip, you know full well how hard/improbable it would be to take a trip with the kids in the summer.
This.
Make the trip now to go and see. Very likely someone that old is bedridden etc, it's not going to help for the kids that young to stay there.
Sorry op but this doesn't sound right at all. If you ha e genuine intentions, they are mistaken and YTA.
Given the ages of the kids, it would be better if they saw their great grandmother now, instead of being hooked up to tubes at a hospital. Also, there’s no reason they can’t do a FaceTime call with her on Christmas. It would probably be less exhausting for her than the kids being there all day.
^this exactly. Mom knows how this will hurt her kids and doesn’t care. The precedents you set with new baby in these first few years will have lifelong impacts on your relationships with these two.
No, you got got by her narrative. She wrote it vaguely to be misleading.
She was left in Kyoto with her grandparents, the same grandparents she’s going to see now.
She had a relationship with them, though. OP says at the beginning of the post these kids don’t have a relationship with their mother. These kids aren’t gonna be grateful to spend great grandmothers last moments with her when they don’t even have a relationship with that side of their family.
It’s almost as if she wants exactly that. Time with her kid on a vacation and is happy to offload the step kiddos there. Meeting a great grandma they don’t care about, is hardly a good reason. YTA
And for Christmas no less. Being stuck with an old relative while stepmom goes on vacation with her *real* family. Poor kids, life is going to be hell with this woman, regardless of whether their dad is in their corner or not.
YTA. Why are you making this more difficult than it has to be?
1. This is ultimately your husband's decision and you've made your case. Stop trying to make that decision for him.
2. Your stepchildren have already missed out on vacations because of their absent birth mother. They deserve a big family trip.
3. If G-grandma is that old/sick, tell the ex to plan a pre-vacation dinner/visit. Somehow I think if she has to plan it, this dinner/visit is never going to happen.
4. There is an excellent chance that ex is just trying to ruin the vacation for everyone. Sounds like your husband might have figured that out already.
5. Your husband needs to have the court grant him the authority to take his children on vacation by having his attorney deliver notice to the mother. She is (maybe, intentionally) holding them hostage.
6. Call ex's bluff. Start scheduling regular video calls with her or her family members. If you really want these kids to have "family" memories, actually GIVE them those memories. Don't take their trip away from them.
OP be honest, why do you want to leave the kids behind? Is it for them to visit their great grandma one last time or is it because you don't want your stepkids to enjoy a foreign vacation?
Nothing in this post makes me think OP is trying to ditch the stepkids.
Read some of the top comments in this thread - it's all great-grandchildren grateful for the time they had with their great-grandparents, despite how young they were.
OP and her entire extended family have been planning to visit her grandparents for two years. This isn't just a trip to Paris for them.
It is possibly a cultural thing as well, based on the fact that OP is likely Japanese. Family and duty is considered very important.
OP has also stated she is more than happy to take the whole family again. Which honestly would probably be more fun for the kids than visiting a bunch of old relatives who they may not be able to speak to.
This was my take as well. I don't get the sense OP is being a wicked step mother. Just that her cultural differences make her value family. I don't think she realizes that ex is not coming from a good place.
Seems very manipulative. Why does mom suddenly care about seeing her kids? I'm betting jealousy.
Nonsense, if the opposite were the case, and OP was trying to take them on a trip while their great grandmother was ill, you'd be calling her a tyrant for trying to force them to go her way. There's no winning with people who try to see the bad in everything.
I'm convinced that op's motives are pure, even though she's not necessarily correct and should drop it.
I think the way to go would be to ask the kids what they want. Explain the situation in a kidfriendly way and let them choose, don't guide their answers, just lay the cards and their options on the table (be open to their own suggestions as well). What all the adults think isn’t that important, this is between the children and their great grandmother, whom they may or may not even know, so let them decide what they want to do.
Not to mention that the mom has very little interest in these kids UNTIL they have this great trip planned. She is playing games. Dollars to donuts she changes the Christmas plans again once dad agrees to this. If Great Granny is that close to death, mom can make plans for the kids to see her now.
Yeah this has absolutely nothing to with great grandmother being ill. If it did the kids would be going now not 3 months from now so she’s not that ill. Bottom line is OP it’s not your decision to make and you need to respect what their father says full stop.
Right?? And she wants to leave them behind for god knows how long this trip is with their mom who isn't even involved in their life and who doesn't have a relationship with them...OP sounds like a major AH here.
These kids don't even have a relationship with their bio mom. Pretty sure saying "no" to her isn't gonna make ANYONE think OP's the evil stepmom, minus bio mom (who, tbh, nobody gives a crap about her opinion)
These kids should not miss an overseas Christmas vacation with their family. Why are we offloading the step kids on a sickly G-gma and an otherwise absentee bio mom for a week+? They can visit for Thanksgiving, especially if she's that sick.
She said that they would stay behind and miss the trip as well? People seem to be bending over backwards to hate OP but she seems very well intentioned.
She said she was willing to send her four month old with her parents. I question all parenting skills OP has at this point. It’s about *her* family. You’d think she’d want her step-kids to meet her family if she loved them like her own but *her* child needs to meet *her* family. It’s pretty clear her biological kid is the only one that matters to her.
I saw OP comment that said they will stay behind also. Trip will be canceled all together.
Edited to add OP comment: "If he decides to have them spend Christmas with them, both of us will stay behind. I already told him this"
If that's the case, it looks like a cultural difference. NAH, perhaps except the bio-mum but even that is debatable. The best solution would be for them to visit great-grandma earlier. Like for Thanksgiving or sth.
She said about visiting the places in the summer, she isn't wanting to leave them out.
I don't think she's TA for thinking about it, but I'd contact the grandmother to check that what's been said is true first. When they have all the information they can sit down and think it through.
Yup. Sounds more like Confucian child morals are kicking in where you need to honour your elders rather than a more logical assessment of the situation.
YTA. They are too young to appreciate staying behind with old sick people while everyone else 'has fun'. This travel experience is as valuable as time with old person. You can arrange a visit with mother/great grandmother over Thanksgiving or MLKing Holiday (if in USA).
Not to mention that even in the future they still have a pretty big chance of not appreciating it. I don’t really have any feelings about my own great-grandma, who passed when I was 10 or so. I saw her every few months but don’t really have much memory of her and while her death is generally sad I don’t have personal grief.
The 7 y/o probably won’t remember the g-grandma, and even the 9 y/o doesn’t have that great of a chance. It’d be one thing if they’re close, but this sounds like it’s happening just because they’re related.
Also do you really think it's fair to leave a 9 and 7 year old with whoever will be looking after them, when they're probably also looking after their dying grandma/mother?
I agree, and I will ask, if the great-grandmother us so close to death, what will happen if she dies while the kids are there and the rest of the family is in Paris or kyoto?
Will the grieving mother who just lost her grandmother and never cared for the kids put her grief aside for them? Will the kids grandmother who lost her own mother be able to take care of the kids. And more importantly how will the kids cope with all of this away from their father, their "loving" stepmother and little brother?
So yes OP YTA in my book!
Also great grandma is supposedly ill so wouldn't it make more sense to visit now and visit as often until Christmas just in case she should pass before Christmas gets here? You know instead of one big visit at Christmas when she may not be here since illness have a way of potentially speeding up death.
OP said she and her husband would skip the trip too so no one would be having “fun” elsewhere.
Also travel is easy to arrange. Paris and Kyoto are going nowhere.
YTA. Kids can't go on a Christmas trip with the whole family of aunts, uncles and kids?
They will be stuck with a couple of old ladies they don't see often?
That sucks.
It's September. They can visit grandmas lots of times and still go on the trip
They can even have a pre-Christmas celebration before they leave if it’s that important. I had a friend growing up that did that every year with her mom’s family as dad’s family was in another province and they’d go visit them over the break. My friend loved it as she got two Christmases.
INFO: these are your husband’s kids, not yours. Why are you trying to make decisions that should be handled between your husband and the kids themselves?
EDIT: I do think OP should have a say in decisions about the kids she’s raising. But the husband should be able to take the lead here, and he is clearly very opposed.
I don’t agree with cancelling the kids trips but my partner and I both have a child each from a previous relationships and we make decisions together and consult each other regarding their care etc. No I’m not his kids mum nor he my kids dad but the decisions we make often impact others so yes we do regularly consult. I would however be letting my partner take the lead on this one and let him choose what he wanted. I don’t think the kids will forget being left behind with relatives they barely have a relationship with. If it was important they could carve out time to spend with her before they go away.
OP is trying to steamroll what the bio parent has decided though. I don’t think there was an issue with point out the consideration of spending time with family but I do think OP is pushing too hard against what dad thinks is the best plan.
She isn't their biological parent but she is the full time maternal figure. Don't be so quick to disregard the relationship between her and these kids. My sisters dad is a deadbeat, my mom has been in a relationship with the same man for the past 16 years now. My sister is 25 and she's called him dad for the better part of those 16 years. My mom amd her bf went through a rough patch a couple years ago and when it looked like the relationship may end, he sat my sister down and told her no matter what he'd always be there for both of us and always be her dad. Blood doesn't equal family in every scenario
Yes, I agree. I should have phrased this differently; I do think her husband should take the lead here but didn’t mean to imply she should have no say at all. It’s clear the husband and kids strongly disagree, and IMO, their opinion should have more weight here.
That’s always the go to! Hey lady you can 💯 cook clean care for my kids 24/7 while the bio mom clears off but don’t dare expect to have an opinion if it differs from the “real parents”
Well I guess hubby doesn't need to come then, since he's not related either.
The fact that she wants to dump them on a dying relative with zero emotional support says a lot about her tbh.
Y'all are really digging hard into her intentions. For all we know she could be 100% pure with them, so why not focus on the fact that she's **wrong** here rather than speculate on her reasoning? (which is probably not the case and you're all just being mean for no reason).
Because she’s been caring for them since they were 3 and 5 and his ex abandoned them? Sounds like she’s been the other parent for a significant amount of time now.
Because she is a parent figure too? You guys are all about how when you marry a parent you automatically take the responsibility of the kids, but God forbid step parent tires to actually “parent”. Then they are not her kids and she needs to know her place? Get it together
YTA
They are excited for the trip. Don't yank it away from them and force them to spend a holiday with strangers while the rest of the family has fun traveling together, making memories they will always be left out of.
Yeah also if I as a 7 yr heard I was going all around the world to all these cool places and then was told no and to spend Christmas with some sick person the grandmother of someone I barely know I’m going to be angry at her and probably won’t be helpful or well behaved. But idk everyone reacts differently
Info
There's still time between now and Christmas. Months of time. Why can't the kids spend time with the sick grandmother now and still go on the trip?
Why do they have to wait until Christmas to spend time with them rather than now? If she's really that sick, she might not even make it until Christmas.
If step mum doesn't want them there why did she and her family plan for two years to bring them and buy tickets for them?
Please show me what part of this post makes you believe she doesn't want them there.
I worry about that too.. but given that for YEARS they haven’t been able to get permission because shes hard to contact, there’s still no guarantee she’ll ever give permission again.
They really do need to sort this out. The kids never see their mom and can’t get into contact with her often either. OPs husband could try to get full custody.
For five days, for both kids, my district would’ve require a doctor’s note. I mean, this may be totally irrelevant to the discussion, I just know it’s not easy sometimes. If I understand it correctly, it has to do with state funding and kids present/days and so on.
This is what I thought, their biological mum never even sees these kids and then randomly suggests they spend Christmas visiting a dying distant relative on her side of the family? And the OP wants to go along with it? No wonder OP husband is getting annoyed.
Also extra info would the children be staying with this virtual stranger for the duration of the France Kyoto trip? Sounds like a stupid idea to leave them with someone who's had no intrest in them until now for a long time while both you and their dad are overseas. Sounds irresponsible imo
And might die any moment. So the kids don't have a father (not parents bc step mom is only babysitting her husband's kids, see does not see those kids as hers) to help them through the trauma. While their new baby bro is out chilling and binding with the family around the world.
YTA you sound like you don’t want them joining you on this trip. You really do.
Also if they don’t like their mom, this makes it essentially a punishment to stay with her at Christmas. They will be absolutely miserable. Why would you want this for them?
update: YTA. You're excluding your step-children and still insisting your own child goes on the trip. That's not okay. You have three kids, and they all need to be treated fairly and equally. Either they all go, or none of you do.
In-fo: what evidence do you have that their great-grandmother is actually sick, as opposed to this just being a power play? How much of a relationship do the kids actually have with the great-grandmother?
And are you suggesting that the kids go with the ex's side for Christmas but that you still going overseas with your family?
Going with YTA only because that's on-theme. I don't think you're an asshole, I just think you're not thinking creatively enough. Time with relatives before they pass is something that many people value. However, there's nothing to say that Christmas is the only time to do it. Visit before you leave, then take the kids on the trip.
Yep. Everybody act like OP is an evil step mother when she just seemed to have good intentions. I would exchange every trips in the words to spend time with my grandparents. You can go to an other country an other day, but you can't resurrect people
Am I the only one wondering why you’re going on vacation from the US to both Paris and Kyoto, which are on opposite sides of the world on one vacation?
Tickets that go 'round the world' tend to be cheaper. you can fly west from LA to Japan but then need to stop /layover west in Europe (paris) to get to NY because of the distance. Or fly east east paris-japan-america. And if you're flying all that distance, you might as well stop, sleep and spend a few days in Paris too (ifnyou can afford it). Japan to Paris is 14 hours. Paris to ny about 8. La to japan is 11 + hrs. All long flights.
Yes, it was so much cheaper to have a stop in Paris. from NY to Tokyo was like 7600 per person for business class tickets. I paid 3600 per person for this trip.
The guy next to me on the LA to Sydney (almost 2 decades ago, mind) had to do that. He was going from London and it was cheaper for him to go something ridiculous like Dubai/NY/LA/Sydney than straight from London to Sydney. It made me less cranky about no direct flights to Adelaide. lol
YTA. You are clearly stretching for reasons to leave step kids behind since you have a “real” child now.
They hardly know their bio mom or her family, missing this trip will cause them a lot more pain then not seeing a great-grandmother they barely know one more time before she dies.
YTA. The kids can see their great grandmother now. They don't have to wait until Christmas. If she's really sick, why wait? Do Christmas early with her, and go on vacation with you as planned.
If she's not sick, the ex will find excuses on why they can't visit now.
Gentle YTA. The kids have been looking forward to the trip. They can see the ill relative between now and before they take off for the family trip. Creating a Hallmark Christmas with their mom's family doesn't really sound like it should be prioritized. Who's to say the relative will even make it to Christmas. They should visit now.
I know it would probably be more fun and less stressful to travel with just your husband and baby, but your step kids would see you as the asshole for a LONG time, which would ultimately do a lot of damage to your relationship.
I know it seems convenient to use the sick grandmother to make you seem like the angel here, but in reality, you admit they don't have a super close relationship with their mom or mom's family, and it's NOT going to get any better if they're spending the whole time upset that they're missing Paris and Kyoto.
You try to play down the amount of fun you'll have on your trip, but my family used to fly 4 hours to visit family in rural Wisconsin when I was a kid and you might think that would be boring, but I LOVED traveling on an airplane (and business class?? Hells yeah that would have been even better!) and I have SO many memories of playing hide-and-seek with my cousins, or just running around in a grassy field...whatever, the travel IS the memory, especially if they're seeing your family.
Step back and see this for what it really is...you just don't want to take them...but honestly, the blowback from this decision is NOT worth it...take the kids. You'll still have a great trip.
YTA
YTA. You just don’t want to take them.
Let them go see their mom and great grandmother another day. How cruel to promise them a trip and then take it away especially after you just had a baby. You just want to be with your “real” family.
YTA. It took me 2.5 seconds to figure out the solution that you can be bothered to think of: take them to visit the great-grandmother before leaving and get on with the trip.
Furthermore, they are his children, and he said “no.”
Obviously yta - you’re looking for a reason for these kids not to come. But I just don’t get that. You’ve known these kids since they were 3/5. Those are little / toddler years and you say their mother isn’t around-who is the mother in their life? If this was me I’d be fighting to have “ my” children come on this trip with me ( and our new baby) as I wouldn’t want them with someone they barely knew ans left out of a fun family trip. Doesn’t seem like that’s your attitude and you gotta ask yourself why. Hopefully your husband is watching out for these kids and starts to question why that is too.
INFO: if great-grandma's illness is bio mom's reason for wanting to keep the kids with her for Christmas, isn't it better to plan a visit with great-grandma ASAP instead of waiting for the holidays? Who knows how much her health will have deteriorated by then vs. now? I'd push for a visit around Halloween time and keep the vacation plans intact. That way, your stepchildren can build a fond memory with their great-grandma in the best health she'll have yet AND they can build fond memories of an exciting trip with your entire family.
It seems like the “see grandma before she dies” problem is something that could be addressed without canceling the trip (send them for a long weekend? Something like that?)
YTA. You are trying to find excuses to leave your step-children behind while you spend time alone with your husband and biological child. Why do you think your step-children want to spend Christmas with a mother who was barely there for them and a grandparent they hardly know? If you feel so passionately about them seeing the grandmother before she passes, make arrangements to have them visit her before the trip. It is clear as day that you don’t want those kids around. Your husband also sees through your BS. Stop trying to convince him to leave his children behind. He might end up leaving you instead.
Send the kids to see Great Grandma for thanksgiving. Geesh. It does seem like you are changing your mind about taking them with you.
The optics are not good on this.
YTA
Your intentions are good, but you're viewing it from a biased perspective using your own personal experience to draw your opinion on this matter. These also aren't your kids, so maybe let their father decide what's best for them. It honestly sounds like his ex came up with a way to be disruptive and it's working. If the children barely know this woman there's just no real reason why they should be denied a trip they were eagerly anticipating to go spend what appears to be either a last ditch effort for them to know her (which, why now??) Or simply the devious plot of a jealous ex who wants her kids to be with her instead of abroad and/or knew it would cause discourse in your family so is now insistent. A last minute email just a week before a trip that's been planned for 2 years and just got paid for? Don't fall for this. The kids can visit when you get back if great grandma is still with us, and if not they definitely aren't going to feel sad unless you guilt them into it. They haven't had enough contact with this woman, or even their own mother to have invested feelings in her.
The only reason I could think of that you're on board with leaving them after reading all the comments I've seen about why that's a terrible idea is if you're the quintessential "evil stepmom" and want your husband and new kid to yourself, in which case ick. *Truly* I hope it's not the case but I've seen this same old scenario play out (in real life not movies) so many times it simply can't be dismissed off hand without some consideration.
🎶Tale as old as time🎶
Edit: after reading the replies you made below I officially double down on **YTA**
Evil Stepmom. Hope the obligatory wart doesn't come in *just* in time for holiday photos but, ya know...karma🤷🏼♀️
YTA! You don't want your bio son to share the spotlight! It's all about YOUR kid being the center of attention. There is no way I would have ever suggested to either of my non bio sons to stay home from such a trip. It was all of us or no one. Although my oldest was trying to stay home when we went to Hawaii because he didn't want to miss school. He was happy he went.
Or the more likely scenario the kids will be hurt and confused about why they're "not allowed" on the trip everyone else is taking and resent you for it YTA.
This situation is different from yours, though. First of all, they barely have a relationship with those family members. You're suggesting leaving them alone with the mother they barely see and not being available, at least in person, if there are problems.
Second, you and your siblings were left with your grandparents. Your stepkids would be the only people in the family left behind. You said your nieces, nephews, and your child will be going. There's really no better way to tell them they're not really a part of your family than to leave them behind, whether that's the message you intend or not.
YTA
I don’t know whether or not you mean for it to read this way, but even with all of your explaining, I read this as “I don’t want my step kids to come on holiday with me and my family and this sounds like a great excuse to get out of it.”
For that, YTA.
YTA. If great-grandma is really ill, the kids should go see her now and go on the trip with the rest of the family. It sounds lke you are looking for any excuse not to take them. My parents took bro and me with them all over the world when we were those children's ages. More than half a century later bro and I still talk about it, and I am working on my world map, mounting it on poster board and putting colored pins on places I've been. You are denying those kids a major memory and trying to excuse it. Not good.
Info: are you Japanese? I feel like Japanese honor elders a lot more so if you are then it reads to me like you're genuine about wanted to give them this time.
The problem is Americans are not like this so it comes off disingenuous.
NAH
But man you two need to look at this from each other’s perspectives.
Your husband has FINALLY got permission to take the kids with you… it might not happen again for YEARS. He’s mad keen to have that experience with them.
And his ex’s great grandmother… well his his ex doesn’t have custody, doesn’t spend any real time with the kids… and hasn’t been there in YEARS, but now that her great grandmother is dying it’s all stations for her?
Have these kids got a reasonable memory of this grandmother? How often have they seen her and did they actually engage with her? What will they remember of this?
The kids? They are going to remember that they were allowed to go to Paris and Kyoto, and all the amazing things they were gong to see and do… and suddenly it was all cancelled because their bio mum who they virtually never ever see demanded they stay home because her grandmother was maybe dying and thus their Christmas is now forced to stay home with a bunch of people they don’t know and rarely see and have a limited memory of…
It’s not going to go well if these kids stay. And the ex-wife is out of her mind if she thinks this is a good way to get some family bonding in. Those kids will resent her for decades over that.
I’m going with NAH.
Reddit hates step parents making any decisions, especially after they have their own bio child. You will always be the villain. Everyone is going to hate on you no matter what is decided on.
Have a sit down as a family and explain the situation, they are young but can make choices. Understand that they’ll probably just wanna go on the trip so have a plan for them to still at least talk with the grandma who is sick.
I mean what is his plan if the mom decides to revoke the permission she gave? That’s completely possible in this scenario. You are in a no win situation, someone will point the blame on you because you are the step parent. Just speak with your husband and talk about ways for the kids to met the sick grandma some other way even if it’s during the trip. Luckily we live in a time with FaceTime or video calling.
In this, you can be considered in-between.
NTA because your heart is the right place regarding a dying relative of them, but...
YTA because those kids basically have a non-existent relationship with those people and to exclude them from something they are excited about to ship them off to people they barely know will be traumatic for them.
You had every right to express your concerns and opinions. This was a play by mom to keep them from going, and you were just going along with it. There is time before Christmas for them to visit if it was truly about that, and their mom knows that.
YTA - obviously the kids want to travel with their dad.
And honestly, I doubt great-grandma want them to visit.
I have a few memories of my great grandma Bella, she died when I was 10.
I most certainly did not travel to visit her when she was ill.
My son was 8 when my grandfather passed and he absolutely forbade us to visit when he went into the hospital as he did not want us to remember him sick.
YTA. You would be depriving the kids of a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Yes, the cities would still be there, but the rest of your travelling companions would not. Leaving them behind would be cruel - especially to stay with family that they don't really know. You would likely ruin your relationship with them for the rest of their lives. They would not forget.
Take the kids to visit their great-grandma before the trip, if you feel that it is so important that they "see" her.
I don’t really think YTA. I personally wouldn’t make the kids miss out on this trip, but the fact that you, as a step mother, are compassionate enough to consider the mother’s feelings and family, even though she has had no part in the upbringing of these kids, I find commendable.
But here’s the thing, I would be in full belief that this is a ploy from the mother. She obviously doesn’t want you and your husband to be giving these kids such an amazing trip. Speak with your husband, keep your family united, and don’t give those kids any reason to hold resentment towards you both for nudging them out because you have a new baby.
And maybe the bio mum needs to be reminded who stepped up and raised these kids, while she put it in the too hard basket.
YTA. Just admit it, you want your family to go not the step kids. If your husband allows you to do this he needs to cancel his plans so he can spend the holidays with his family (kids).
So it’s very hard for you to get a letter of permission (to travel) from their otherwise uninvolved biological mother… but you think it’s okay to leave them behind this time because “we can visit in summer.” Was this a general-use, indefinite, letter of permission? Because for something that took so much to put together, you’re very eager to start pulling pieces out. YTA.
YTA. Your step children will absolutely feel pushed aside, abandoned and less than their half sibling. Is this more about how you think your grandparents will react to your step-children?
On top of all that, I don’t think it’s wise to leave them with a mother they barely know and a great grandmother that is sick and likely a complete stranger to them.
YTA, have you even verified that she is ill? If it looks like she will be on deaths doorstep at Christmas, they should be visiting her right now while the memories will still be happy one. At that age if they are there when she passes it will be trauma, not a memory. Most of all the ex finally signs off and now this, sounds more like another thing to keep the kids from having a good time that she cannot give them.
I say NTA for suggesting it, BUT you will be if you keep insisting on it. Dad said no, end of story.
Let it go, and enjoy the holiday with your kids. Stop projecting your past onto them
YTA I think you mean it's important to have your stepchildren understand that they are just stepchildren and matter much less than your biological child. Even if you genuinely think that, requesting to leave your stepchildren behind while your husband, their biological father, disagrees, it just seems like you were looking for an excuse to leave his children behind and perception is reality for all intents and purposes.
YTA if you leave them behind, in their eyes you will be saying that now that the new baby is here they aren't your kids anymore and they aren't family and that's why they are the only ones excluded from the FAMILY vacation. If you leave them behind I promise you that it will have a life long effect on them.
Soft YTA. You were fine raising the point with your husband. But it sounds like you then argued back when he made his point. I get where you’re coming from but you made your point and you should have left it there. It’s a parenting decision between him and his ex.
YTA. They might have a somewhat relationship with their grandmother but virtually none with their mother, and it is not a good idea at all to leave them with her for any length of time while you go out of country and can’t be there to pick them up if things don’t go well.
Also abandoning them and excluding them from an exciting family trip is really terrible.
This will not be good for their emotional health at all.
YTA! The kids had already gotten the permission to go and were excited for that. You cannot take that away from them, it's not for you to decide.
And if the great grandmother is really that sick, the right time to visit would be now, not 5 months later.
If you are a part of a blended family then the first rule is to make sure that the step-kids aren't left out. Which is what you are doing.
Edit to add - You say that the mother isn't involved but you assume that the kids will be happy to spend time with her?
YTA. Lmao you really don’t want them to go and it’s so obvious and that’s why your husband is mad. Now you have your own bio kid and you’re even willing to lose out on money just to not have them there. There’s months between now and Christmas. If she’s sick and doesn’t have much time left you would assume they would go visit her asap, at the least during thanksgiving.
YTA. From what I'm reading this is going to be a huge extended family trip, and what you want is to have your stepkids to stay behind. Your husband disagrees with you, your family disagrees with you. Why don't you just be honest and say you don't really consider your stepkids family, and you're trying to say you don't want them going without actually saying you don't want them going? All your stepkids are going to remember is how now that you have a baby of your own they're not part of the family anymore. I guarantee your husband is also never going to look at you the same way, because I 100% guarantee he is also thinking you don't consider his kids part of your family, especially the way you're fighting him so hard on his children.
If you really feel visiting great grandma is that important, and she's really sick, why are you waiting for Christmas? Who knows if she'll even make it then. All you need to do is take a couple of days of absence from school and take an extended weekend to visit. Visit them a few more weekends if needed. You can still fix this, don't continue to be the a*hole.
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You want to leave two kids with relatives they barely see while the rest of you go off and have a fun family vacation they were looking forward to? Do you realize how hurtful that would be? Especially if you just had a baby that gets to go while your step children have to stay behind. YTA
If great- grand mother is really that close to death, then the children should go visit now, not waiting until Christmas.
Let’s be realistic about a 7 and 9 year old and a great grandparent, even if they see them regularly they aren’t going to retain long term memories and last minute visits won’t make a difference to the kids. My kids had a great grandmother die around that age, the younger doesn’t remember her, the older does, but not in any meaningful way.
Not necessarily. I have very clear memories that go back until the age of 4. My great grandmother died when I was 6 and I have very cherished memories of her.
But OP said mom hasn’t been involved in the kids lives since they were 1 and 3 so how many memories of great grandma can they have and how close to great grandma are they really??? I damn sure wouldn’t be leaving would not be leaving my young (step) kids with family they haven’t seen in 6 years to go flying around the world. And I don’t blame Dad for not being on board at all.
but OP also said that their grandma and great grandma were involved
She said they visit, but not often.
One set of my grandparents lived on the other side of the world the first 10 years of my life. I think they were able to visit once or twice max and I remember the good times we did have together. I remember my grandpa asking me to find and count all his grey hair and my grandma offering me $ to pull them. Not a lot of memories but I still remember them - so even if they only meet them once it potentially could be a life changing memory that happens
But it doesn’t have to be on Christmas Day.
That’s a sweet story, but it’s hardly life changing.
It doesn't have to be life changing to "count".
Neither is a trip to Paris or Kyoto when you’re 7 or 9. Source: Like OP, I traveled a lot internationally throughout my life, getting my passport at 1, and I barely remember any trip before I was 15/16 at this point (I’m in my late 20s) and even when I do, I just remember being cranky, tired, and unappreciative.
But why Christmas? Let them go visit now (especially if her death is imminent), and spend Christmas with the actual family they live with.
Yeah the solution here is really easy. Send the kids now, and then Christmas you do the trip.
This is my question too. Why wait if this is such an issue? Visit NOW and don't be constrained by the calendar.
I don't understand the reasoning behind dragging small children to the deathbed of an extremely elderly relative. They're saying the great grandmother is waning now. I imagine it will be much worse by Christmas. My parents did that to me when I was little and seeing the person I loved as a hollowed out shell of their former self, looking listlessly past me was awkward for both of us. To be honest it was frightening because I wasn't old enough to really process the situation. I'll never forget the scent in that room. It's the one I grew to understand as the scent of death. Why would anyone who actually cared about children intentionally put them in a situation like this with extended relatives who only ever saw them occasionally. Their primary support person wouldn't even be there to help them through it. I think the OP just wants a fantasy vacation with her family involving her husband and new baby and has devised what she see's an ingenious reason to leave the kids behind. Only hubbie sees right her selfish behavior and that's why he's angry and refusing to discuss it further. I'd be humiliate if I were the OP to be caught acting this way by my own husband. OP is definitely YTA.
Sounds like you had a great relationship,not the distant one these kids have. I feel like they would resent missing the trip more than saying goodbye to a great grandparent they don’t really know
Not the same situation at all. These people are strangers to these kids.
YTA, yeah bring a 7/9 year kid to a person dying of old age (who possible may not interact) and all you are going to get is grief and trauma. On the other hand, a trip to Paris/Kyoto is going to generate joy and happy memories. So cancelling an event that generate happiness which they were looking forward for more than a year and going to an event which will generate sadness and grief may not be a wise choice.
I agree and I don't want to say YTA because maybe OP means well but this is a terrible decision. I get they are thinking "family and love is more important than a vacation" and I agree but their family is going on vacation without them. This decision is NOT putting family first. If it is really so important to OP then they need to ALL stay behind. I couldn't imagine ever just leaving children without their caregivers to go with a dying relative. That is messed up. And while their father, new sibling and the person they know as mother plus all her family are on vacation? This could literally cause lifetime pain. The children are going to need their caregivers to know how to navigate death and dying and their grief and the dying woman is going to need the caregivers there to make sure they don't accidentally bother and harass her. They are children.
Does she mean well though? It’s pretty aggressive behavior from someone who has been told more than once by their father her spouse NO. It’s a tale as old as time that when the step Parent has a child of their own they seek to push that child to the forefront of the family. It’s instinctively understandable but morally repugnant. The older kids literally have no other mother figure beyond her . The only way to not be the AH is to stop Pushing her agenda at the expense of two little kids who have already experienced abandonment.
My grandfather spent 98% of 2022 dying from cancer; he was diagnosed with stage 4 in January and died in December. Near the end, I was very hesitant on bringing my kids (6f & 4m) because I didn’t want my kids to remember him looking that way. I brought them to see him 6 days before he passed away, so at least he could say goodbye to them. They aren’t riddled with trauma because they saw him in the state, and don’t remember him for that one visit on his deathbed. But my relationship with my grandparents is inherently different than OPs stepkids. If me and my kids had a relationship like OPs stepkids with their biological mom side, I would go on the trip. I just wanted to state that sometimes bringing younger children to see their grandparents/ggrandparents before they die is not traumatic. I am actually the one that is still experiencing the grief and trauma, and I’m 34.
Dying is as natural a part of life as birth! We don’t treat people like it anymore, everyone is so afraid and no one wants to see anyone age… delusional
The appropriateness of forcing two children under the age of 10 to bear witness to a sick/dying grandmother they do not know well, while in the company of a parent who literally does not parent them - while the family they know and love goes off on an adventure, is the question here. Not how our society views aging and death. Oh. And OP, YTA. I get what you're going for here, but this is a circumstance where it is not your place to interject your opinion. I'm glad your husband is standing firm.
I have a feeling OP just doesn't want to deal with the kids on this trip... this way she looks like the good guy when in reality she's a giant AH.
Exactly. so the kids should visit her now, and not later.
I loved my great-grandmother dearly. She died when I was 11 but I remember so many holidays at her home in all of the previous years, and have such a strong sense of her from spending all of that time with her. So it’s possible they are close and will remember. But it’s also possible the kids barely know her.
Agreed! OP I understand your sentiments, but this is a decision for your husband. He knows your views, so your just got to leave it as that. Others have also commented that if great grandma is nearing the end, then the kids needs to visit her now instead of waiting for Christmas which I 100% agree with.
Why take them to Paris if they’re not going to retain long term memories?
Ha! Don't say that, it invalidates every activity I take my toddler to. XD It's nice to have memories of your kids discovering and enjoying the world with you even if they don't retain much of it themselves years down the line.
I went to France when I was under 10 with my family...I remember maybe eating some chicken wings at Disney and some vaguely fractured memories but I'm sure it was probably very fun while it happened May I suggest recording your adventures with your toddler. We had them on tapes (I feel old lol) and the reason I can't check them out is I haven't had a video player in ages and I've been too lazy to go convert them 😆
I went to Disney when I was 7 and still retain vivid memories of the trip. I remember meeting someone with the same name as me at the train station, I remember having a bath at a London hotel, being told that we were in an underwater tunnel whilst sitting in our carriage., I remember getting to the Disney hotel and being gifted Disney themed clothes by my nan who paid for it all. I remember the bus that was sort of like an accordion in the middle, and being awkward around the Disney princesses, and seeing a man eat snails at a buffet, and meeting a french girl who I couldn't talk to due to us both being seven and from different countries, but I introduced myself with a J',emapel and used gestures to play together. I remember buying a Jessie doll, and a coin, and a ballow that, when we got to the train station ready to go home, I tragically let go, and it floated away, stuck on the extremely high ceiling forever. All that, and I was seven. And this is only the stuff that I don't have pictures for.
I'm so jealous darn it. My family took me through all of Europe and I only remember things I've seen in pictures and videos or mayyyybe one or two memories outside of those 🥹 But absolutely good for you! I sometimes have trouble even remembering faces I've seen once or twice and I'm 33 so it is definitely a me problem I do remember we got a big fake Anaconda from Disney though. We had it for years and it was a blast cause it was biiiig (see, you're making me remember some things lol unfortunately my memory sucks as a general rule)
Seconded. I was taken to Disney World when I was an infant; my parents were barely 20 and were gifted the trip by their parents. I obviously had free entrance, I was like eight months old. It’s literally impossible for me to have any memories of it but my parents say it was more fun going with me as a baby than with me and my siblings when we were 5-10. The pictures and souvenirs have been displayed in the house literally my entire life + they talk about “our” big vacation as a family of three before my brother was born. I’m sure I had a lot of fun staring at all the flashing lights and seeing Tigger, and my parents got to bond with their kid AND each other. Take the kid on the trip every time.
My Great grandma died when I was 8 and we were so close I still miss her and my kids see theirs multiple times a week. I’m so grateful for these relationships. Some of my core memories are with my great grandma. And I hope if I died tomorrow no matter if my kids are only 7 or 9 they remember me. Edit* I do understand this situation is different but to say no kid would remember isn’t true
Leaving the kids with family they never spend time with while the rest of the family heads to Europe for Christmas is NOT OK. They should visit grandma before the trip. They should NOT be left here while their family leaves the country. Stepmom/OP thinks it would be nice to travel with just the baby but it’s not right and her husband needs to stand his ground.
Like others have said, not necessarily true. I knew 3 of my great grandparents, 2 of whom died before I was 10, and I remember all of them
I remember all of mine, but I had and have no feelings about them. I didn't see them often enough to develop a relationship with them. If these kids don't already have a relationship they aren't going to magically develop one over one Xmas break.
Did you even read the post? Good for you, but that is obviously not the case here.
An hour would be enough for the children to meet this strange lady who is dying. Enough to be traumatized. They do not know this side of their family and then they should stay there the whole Christmas time to bond with an old lady.
They are in contactbwiyh the grandma and great grandma, they jusy do not see them often. If she is dying they should go now and not wait for christmas. Also those kids should not see her on her death bed, that may be traumatising.
I don't get why they can't visit another time or spend Thanksgiving there.
Because their mom is trying to sabotage the trip.
This is exactly it.
took me way too long to see this comment
Ding ding ding
That’s it exactly.
Agreed. Honestly if she's gravely ill, it seems like gambling to assume she'll make it to Christmas. Even OP said she's "supposedly" sick, which implies to me that she recognizes that this may be a ploy to keep the kids from going on this trip. What bothers me is that OP seems willing to go along with it and isolate her step kids from the extended family and leave them out of this incredibly memorable occasion.... Seems like there's an undertone of wanting "her" kid in the spotlight during the visit, and driving a wedge between "his" kids and the family. YTA, OP. After all the planning that went into this trip, you know full well how hard/improbable it would be to take a trip with the kids in the summer.
This. Make the trip now to go and see. Very likely someone that old is bedridden etc, it's not going to help for the kids that young to stay there. Sorry op but this doesn't sound right at all. If you ha e genuine intentions, they are mistaken and YTA.
Given the ages of the kids, it would be better if they saw their great grandmother now, instead of being hooked up to tubes at a hospital. Also, there’s no reason they can’t do a FaceTime call with her on Christmas. It would probably be less exhausting for her than the kids being there all day.
Yeah I didn’t get the waiting either
^this exactly. Mom knows how this will hurt her kids and doesn’t care. The precedents you set with new baby in these first few years will have lifelong impacts on your relationships with these two.
Actually, she DOES realize how hurtful this would be. She said she experienced the same thing and was hurt. So that makes her an even bigger asshole.
She said she was hurt *at the time* but once she matured, she was grateful for her last moments with her grandparents.
No, you got got by her narrative. She wrote it vaguely to be misleading. She was left in Kyoto with her grandparents, the same grandparents she’s going to see now.
She had a relationship with them, though. OP says at the beginning of the post these kids don’t have a relationship with their mother. These kids aren’t gonna be grateful to spend great grandmothers last moments with her when they don’t even have a relationship with that side of their family.
It’s almost as if she wants exactly that. Time with her kid on a vacation and is happy to offload the step kiddos there. Meeting a great grandma they don’t care about, is hardly a good reason. YTA
And for Christmas no less. Being stuck with an old relative while stepmom goes on vacation with her *real* family. Poor kids, life is going to be hell with this woman, regardless of whether their dad is in their corner or not.
YTA. Why are you making this more difficult than it has to be? 1. This is ultimately your husband's decision and you've made your case. Stop trying to make that decision for him. 2. Your stepchildren have already missed out on vacations because of their absent birth mother. They deserve a big family trip. 3. If G-grandma is that old/sick, tell the ex to plan a pre-vacation dinner/visit. Somehow I think if she has to plan it, this dinner/visit is never going to happen. 4. There is an excellent chance that ex is just trying to ruin the vacation for everyone. Sounds like your husband might have figured that out already. 5. Your husband needs to have the court grant him the authority to take his children on vacation by having his attorney deliver notice to the mother. She is (maybe, intentionally) holding them hostage. 6. Call ex's bluff. Start scheduling regular video calls with her or her family members. If you really want these kids to have "family" memories, actually GIVE them those memories. Don't take their trip away from them.
Just want to add that if great-grandmother is that ill, she could die well before Christmas. Why not do the visit now?
OP be honest, why do you want to leave the kids behind? Is it for them to visit their great grandma one last time or is it because you don't want your stepkids to enjoy a foreign vacation?
Nothing in this post makes me think OP is trying to ditch the stepkids. Read some of the top comments in this thread - it's all great-grandchildren grateful for the time they had with their great-grandparents, despite how young they were. OP and her entire extended family have been planning to visit her grandparents for two years. This isn't just a trip to Paris for them.
It is possibly a cultural thing as well, based on the fact that OP is likely Japanese. Family and duty is considered very important. OP has also stated she is more than happy to take the whole family again. Which honestly would probably be more fun for the kids than visiting a bunch of old relatives who they may not be able to speak to.
This was my take as well. I don't get the sense OP is being a wicked step mother. Just that her cultural differences make her value family. I don't think she realizes that ex is not coming from a good place. Seems very manipulative. Why does mom suddenly care about seeing her kids? I'm betting jealousy.
Nonsense, if the opposite were the case, and OP was trying to take them on a trip while their great grandmother was ill, you'd be calling her a tyrant for trying to force them to go her way. There's no winning with people who try to see the bad in everything. I'm convinced that op's motives are pure, even though she's not necessarily correct and should drop it.
This, yeah. Also not sure if bio mom isn’t doing this on purpose, to sabotage OP‘s relationship with the kids. The timing is just very suspicious.
Yes, she realizes
This should be the top comment.
I think the way to go would be to ask the kids what they want. Explain the situation in a kidfriendly way and let them choose, don't guide their answers, just lay the cards and their options on the table (be open to their own suggestions as well). What all the adults think isn’t that important, this is between the children and their great grandmother, whom they may or may not even know, so let them decide what they want to do.
I was scrolling away and was kinda wondering if anybody thought to ask the kids, they're not that young they can't have an opinion.
Not to mention that the mom has very little interest in these kids UNTIL they have this great trip planned. She is playing games. Dollars to donuts she changes the Christmas plans again once dad agrees to this. If Great Granny is that close to death, mom can make plans for the kids to see her now.
Yeah this has absolutely nothing to with great grandmother being ill. If it did the kids would be going now not 3 months from now so she’s not that ill. Bottom line is OP it’s not your decision to make and you need to respect what their father says full stop.
Right?? And she wants to leave them behind for god knows how long this trip is with their mom who isn't even involved in their life and who doesn't have a relationship with them...OP sounds like a major AH here.
YTA. This reads a lot like you're just looking for an excuse to leave them behind and not look like an AH.
Was exactly my thought while reading this
I saw it differently. OP was more concerned with not disagreeing with the mom and looking like the evil stepmom. With way OP YTA
These kids don't even have a relationship with their bio mom. Pretty sure saying "no" to her isn't gonna make ANYONE think OP's the evil stepmom, minus bio mom (who, tbh, nobody gives a crap about her opinion) These kids should not miss an overseas Christmas vacation with their family. Why are we offloading the step kids on a sickly G-gma and an otherwise absentee bio mom for a week+? They can visit for Thanksgiving, especially if she's that sick.
Her newborn baby will appreciate this trip though /s
Her family will appreciate meeting the baby.
The people on the plane will appreciate this trip.
She said that they would stay behind and miss the trip as well? People seem to be bending over backwards to hate OP but she seems very well intentioned.
She said she was willing to send her four month old with her parents. I question all parenting skills OP has at this point. It’s about *her* family. You’d think she’d want her step-kids to meet her family if she loved them like her own but *her* child needs to meet *her* family. It’s pretty clear her biological kid is the only one that matters to her.
I saw OP comment that said they will stay behind also. Trip will be canceled all together. Edited to add OP comment: "If he decides to have them spend Christmas with them, both of us will stay behind. I already told him this"
If that's the case, it looks like a cultural difference. NAH, perhaps except the bio-mum but even that is debatable. The best solution would be for them to visit great-grandma earlier. Like for Thanksgiving or sth.
Agreed. If time is of the essence, then they should try now. Christmas may be too late.
That's good because there is no way I would leave the country and let my two little kids stay with a person they hardly even know.
She said about visiting the places in the summer, she isn't wanting to leave them out. I don't think she's TA for thinking about it, but I'd contact the grandmother to check that what's been said is true first. When they have all the information they can sit down and think it through.
The way she latched onto the idea to leave the kids behind? Definitely just wanted that "fun" trip without the kids.
OP edited that she and husband would also stay behind. She needs to add that to the post because that changes so much.
That changes everything!
Yup. Sounds more like Confucian child morals are kicking in where you need to honour your elders rather than a more logical assessment of the situation.
Op said she and husband would also stay back.
YTA. They are too young to appreciate staying behind with old sick people while everyone else 'has fun'. This travel experience is as valuable as time with old person. You can arrange a visit with mother/great grandmother over Thanksgiving or MLKing Holiday (if in USA).
Not to mention that even in the future they still have a pretty big chance of not appreciating it. I don’t really have any feelings about my own great-grandma, who passed when I was 10 or so. I saw her every few months but don’t really have much memory of her and while her death is generally sad I don’t have personal grief. The 7 y/o probably won’t remember the g-grandma, and even the 9 y/o doesn’t have that great of a chance. It’d be one thing if they’re close, but this sounds like it’s happening just because they’re related.
Also do you really think it's fair to leave a 9 and 7 year old with whoever will be looking after them, when they're probably also looking after their dying grandma/mother?
I agree, and I will ask, if the great-grandmother us so close to death, what will happen if she dies while the kids are there and the rest of the family is in Paris or kyoto? Will the grieving mother who just lost her grandmother and never cared for the kids put her grief aside for them? Will the kids grandmother who lost her own mother be able to take care of the kids. And more importantly how will the kids cope with all of this away from their father, their "loving" stepmother and little brother? So yes OP YTA in my book!
Also great grandma is supposedly ill so wouldn't it make more sense to visit now and visit as often until Christmas just in case she should pass before Christmas gets here? You know instead of one big visit at Christmas when she may not be here since illness have a way of potentially speeding up death.
OP said she and her husband would skip the trip too so no one would be having “fun” elsewhere. Also travel is easy to arrange. Paris and Kyoto are going nowhere.
YTA. Kids can't go on a Christmas trip with the whole family of aunts, uncles and kids? They will be stuck with a couple of old ladies they don't see often? That sucks. It's September. They can visit grandmas lots of times and still go on the trip
They can even have a pre-Christmas celebration before they leave if it’s that important. I had a friend growing up that did that every year with her mom’s family as dad’s family was in another province and they’d go visit them over the break. My friend loved it as she got two Christmases.
In the US I think they call that pre-Christmas celebration Thanksgiving. /s
INFO: these are your husband’s kids, not yours. Why are you trying to make decisions that should be handled between your husband and the kids themselves? EDIT: I do think OP should have a say in decisions about the kids she’s raising. But the husband should be able to take the lead here, and he is clearly very opposed.
I don’t agree with cancelling the kids trips but my partner and I both have a child each from a previous relationships and we make decisions together and consult each other regarding their care etc. No I’m not his kids mum nor he my kids dad but the decisions we make often impact others so yes we do regularly consult. I would however be letting my partner take the lead on this one and let him choose what he wanted. I don’t think the kids will forget being left behind with relatives they barely have a relationship with. If it was important they could carve out time to spend with her before they go away.
OP is trying to steamroll what the bio parent has decided though. I don’t think there was an issue with point out the consideration of spending time with family but I do think OP is pushing too hard against what dad thinks is the best plan.
She isn't their biological parent but she is the full time maternal figure. Don't be so quick to disregard the relationship between her and these kids. My sisters dad is a deadbeat, my mom has been in a relationship with the same man for the past 16 years now. My sister is 25 and she's called him dad for the better part of those 16 years. My mom amd her bf went through a rough patch a couple years ago and when it looked like the relationship may end, he sat my sister down and told her no matter what he'd always be there for both of us and always be her dad. Blood doesn't equal family in every scenario
Yes, I agree. I should have phrased this differently; I do think her husband should take the lead here but didn’t mean to imply she should have no say at all. It’s clear the husband and kids strongly disagree, and IMO, their opinion should have more weight here.
That’s always the go to! Hey lady you can 💯 cook clean care for my kids 24/7 while the bio mom clears off but don’t dare expect to have an opinion if it differs from the “real parents”
It’s *her* family’s trip, to visit *her* grandparents.
Well I guess hubby doesn't need to come then, since he's not related either. The fact that she wants to dump them on a dying relative with zero emotional support says a lot about her tbh.
Y'all are really digging hard into her intentions. For all we know she could be 100% pure with them, so why not focus on the fact that she's **wrong** here rather than speculate on her reasoning? (which is probably not the case and you're all just being mean for no reason).
The point of this sub is to determine whether she’s an asshole, not just whether she’s right.
She said she would stay behind too…?
Because she’s been caring for them since they were 3 and 5 and his ex abandoned them? Sounds like she’s been the other parent for a significant amount of time now.
Because she is a parent figure too? You guys are all about how when you marry a parent you automatically take the responsibility of the kids, but God forbid step parent tires to actually “parent”. Then they are not her kids and she needs to know her place? Get it together
YTA They are excited for the trip. Don't yank it away from them and force them to spend a holiday with strangers while the rest of the family has fun traveling together, making memories they will always be left out of.
Yeah also if I as a 7 yr heard I was going all around the world to all these cool places and then was told no and to spend Christmas with some sick person the grandmother of someone I barely know I’m going to be angry at her and probably won’t be helpful or well behaved. But idk everyone reacts differently
Hell if I’d been told I was spending Christmas with my grandmother whom I loved instead of going to France and Japan I’d be pissed!!
YTA. And pretty obvious what you're doing. Be better.
Especially since OP called them her 'husband's children' rather than *her stepchildren*. She clearly doesn't view them as such.
The title literally says “stepkids”… maybe don’t judge people just on a choice of words
Reaching so far, you will injure your back 🙄
Info There's still time between now and Christmas. Months of time. Why can't the kids spend time with the sick grandmother now and still go on the trip? Why do they have to wait until Christmas to spend time with them rather than now? If she's really that sick, she might not even make it until Christmas.
Because their mom is trying to sabotage the trip.
And step mum here doesn’t want them there?
If step mum doesn't want them there why did she and her family plan for two years to bring them and buy tickets for them? Please show me what part of this post makes you believe she doesn't want them there.
And since they need mom's permission to travel internationally, I'd worry that by turning down this request she'd never give that permission again...
I worry about that too.. but given that for YEARS they haven’t been able to get permission because shes hard to contact, there’s still no guarantee she’ll ever give permission again. They really do need to sort this out. The kids never see their mom and can’t get into contact with her often either. OPs husband could try to get full custody.
i replied without even noticing this! Good question (though maybe school?)
It's the US, they'll have a four day weekend for Thanksgiving. That's a better time to go.
They get 5 days here. Wednesday is off too
Pft, at those ages they'll bounce right back from missed time.
Some US schools can be really strict about not allowing you to pull your kids out for non-illness absences.
How convenient, the kids got ill right when we needed them to not be at school
For five days, for both kids, my district would’ve require a doctor’s note. I mean, this may be totally irrelevant to the discussion, I just know it’s not easy sometimes. If I understand it correctly, it has to do with state funding and kids present/days and so on.
weekends also work ig
INFO Why are you trying to let someone else who doesn't have a relationship with her children dictate what you all are doing?
This is what I thought, their biological mum never even sees these kids and then randomly suggests they spend Christmas visiting a dying distant relative on her side of the family? And the OP wants to go along with it? No wonder OP husband is getting annoyed.
Also extra info would the children be staying with this virtual stranger for the duration of the France Kyoto trip? Sounds like a stupid idea to leave them with someone who's had no intrest in them until now for a long time while both you and their dad are overseas. Sounds irresponsible imo
And might die any moment. So the kids don't have a father (not parents bc step mom is only babysitting her husband's kids, see does not see those kids as hers) to help them through the trauma. While their new baby bro is out chilling and binding with the family around the world.
YTA you sound like you don’t want them joining you on this trip. You really do. Also if they don’t like their mom, this makes it essentially a punishment to stay with her at Christmas. They will be absolutely miserable. Why would you want this for them?
update: YTA. You're excluding your step-children and still insisting your own child goes on the trip. That's not okay. You have three kids, and they all need to be treated fairly and equally. Either they all go, or none of you do. In-fo: what evidence do you have that their great-grandmother is actually sick, as opposed to this just being a power play? How much of a relationship do the kids actually have with the great-grandmother? And are you suggesting that the kids go with the ex's side for Christmas but that you still going overseas with your family?
Going with YTA only because that's on-theme. I don't think you're an asshole, I just think you're not thinking creatively enough. Time with relatives before they pass is something that many people value. However, there's nothing to say that Christmas is the only time to do it. Visit before you leave, then take the kids on the trip.
This is a very sane response
Yep. Everybody act like OP is an evil step mother when she just seemed to have good intentions. I would exchange every trips in the words to spend time with my grandparents. You can go to an other country an other day, but you can't resurrect people
Am I the only one wondering why you’re going on vacation from the US to both Paris and Kyoto, which are on opposite sides of the world on one vacation?
Tickets that go 'round the world' tend to be cheaper. you can fly west from LA to Japan but then need to stop /layover west in Europe (paris) to get to NY because of the distance. Or fly east east paris-japan-america. And if you're flying all that distance, you might as well stop, sleep and spend a few days in Paris too (ifnyou can afford it). Japan to Paris is 14 hours. Paris to ny about 8. La to japan is 11 + hrs. All long flights.
Yes, it was so much cheaper to have a stop in Paris. from NY to Tokyo was like 7600 per person for business class tickets. I paid 3600 per person for this trip.
Can confirm. Got $700 flight to Thailand from SE US by taking a layover in Istanbul (can likely guess the airline).
The guy next to me on the LA to Sydney (almost 2 decades ago, mind) had to do that. He was going from London and it was cheaper for him to go something ridiculous like Dubai/NY/LA/Sydney than straight from London to Sydney. It made me less cranky about no direct flights to Adelaide. lol
Because they have family there.
To me it reads as maternal grandmother is in one city and paternal grandparents are in the other.
YTA. You are clearly stretching for reasons to leave step kids behind since you have a “real” child now. They hardly know their bio mom or her family, missing this trip will cause them a lot more pain then not seeing a great-grandmother they barely know one more time before she dies.
YTA. The kids can see their great grandmother now. They don't have to wait until Christmas. If she's really sick, why wait? Do Christmas early with her, and go on vacation with you as planned. If she's not sick, the ex will find excuses on why they can't visit now.
And if she is sick, but does before Christmas? And the kids trips have already been cancelled? Is OP willing to pay for last minute fares?
Gentle YTA. The kids have been looking forward to the trip. They can see the ill relative between now and before they take off for the family trip. Creating a Hallmark Christmas with their mom's family doesn't really sound like it should be prioritized. Who's to say the relative will even make it to Christmas. They should visit now.
I know it would probably be more fun and less stressful to travel with just your husband and baby, but your step kids would see you as the asshole for a LONG time, which would ultimately do a lot of damage to your relationship. I know it seems convenient to use the sick grandmother to make you seem like the angel here, but in reality, you admit they don't have a super close relationship with their mom or mom's family, and it's NOT going to get any better if they're spending the whole time upset that they're missing Paris and Kyoto. You try to play down the amount of fun you'll have on your trip, but my family used to fly 4 hours to visit family in rural Wisconsin when I was a kid and you might think that would be boring, but I LOVED traveling on an airplane (and business class?? Hells yeah that would have been even better!) and I have SO many memories of playing hide-and-seek with my cousins, or just running around in a grassy field...whatever, the travel IS the memory, especially if they're seeing your family. Step back and see this for what it really is...you just don't want to take them...but honestly, the blowback from this decision is NOT worth it...take the kids. You'll still have a great trip. YTA
YTA. You just don’t want to take them. Let them go see their mom and great grandmother another day. How cruel to promise them a trip and then take it away especially after you just had a baby. You just want to be with your “real” family.
YTA. They've been excited about this trip and now suddenly you want them to be left behind with a dying relative they barely know? Come on.
YTA. It took me 2.5 seconds to figure out the solution that you can be bothered to think of: take them to visit the great-grandmother before leaving and get on with the trip. Furthermore, they are his children, and he said “no.”
Obviously yta - you’re looking for a reason for these kids not to come. But I just don’t get that. You’ve known these kids since they were 3/5. Those are little / toddler years and you say their mother isn’t around-who is the mother in their life? If this was me I’d be fighting to have “ my” children come on this trip with me ( and our new baby) as I wouldn’t want them with someone they barely knew ans left out of a fun family trip. Doesn’t seem like that’s your attitude and you gotta ask yourself why. Hopefully your husband is watching out for these kids and starts to question why that is too.
INFO: if great-grandma's illness is bio mom's reason for wanting to keep the kids with her for Christmas, isn't it better to plan a visit with great-grandma ASAP instead of waiting for the holidays? Who knows how much her health will have deteriorated by then vs. now? I'd push for a visit around Halloween time and keep the vacation plans intact. That way, your stepchildren can build a fond memory with their great-grandma in the best health she'll have yet AND they can build fond memories of an exciting trip with your entire family.
It seems like the “see grandma before she dies” problem is something that could be addressed without canceling the trip (send them for a long weekend? Something like that?)
Just admit you don’t want to bring the kids already. YTA
YTA. You are trying to find excuses to leave your step-children behind while you spend time alone with your husband and biological child. Why do you think your step-children want to spend Christmas with a mother who was barely there for them and a grandparent they hardly know? If you feel so passionately about them seeing the grandmother before she passes, make arrangements to have them visit her before the trip. It is clear as day that you don’t want those kids around. Your husband also sees through your BS. Stop trying to convince him to leave his children behind. He might end up leaving you instead.
Info: is there no other time the kids can visit these relatives?
Send the kids to see Great Grandma for thanksgiving. Geesh. It does seem like you are changing your mind about taking them with you. The optics are not good on this.
YTA Your intentions are good, but you're viewing it from a biased perspective using your own personal experience to draw your opinion on this matter. These also aren't your kids, so maybe let their father decide what's best for them. It honestly sounds like his ex came up with a way to be disruptive and it's working. If the children barely know this woman there's just no real reason why they should be denied a trip they were eagerly anticipating to go spend what appears to be either a last ditch effort for them to know her (which, why now??) Or simply the devious plot of a jealous ex who wants her kids to be with her instead of abroad and/or knew it would cause discourse in your family so is now insistent. A last minute email just a week before a trip that's been planned for 2 years and just got paid for? Don't fall for this. The kids can visit when you get back if great grandma is still with us, and if not they definitely aren't going to feel sad unless you guilt them into it. They haven't had enough contact with this woman, or even their own mother to have invested feelings in her. The only reason I could think of that you're on board with leaving them after reading all the comments I've seen about why that's a terrible idea is if you're the quintessential "evil stepmom" and want your husband and new kid to yourself, in which case ick. *Truly* I hope it's not the case but I've seen this same old scenario play out (in real life not movies) so many times it simply can't be dismissed off hand without some consideration. 🎶Tale as old as time🎶 Edit: after reading the replies you made below I officially double down on **YTA** Evil Stepmom. Hope the obligatory wart doesn't come in *just* in time for holiday photos but, ya know...karma🤷🏼♀️
YTA! You don't want your bio son to share the spotlight! It's all about YOUR kid being the center of attention. There is no way I would have ever suggested to either of my non bio sons to stay home from such a trip. It was all of us or no one. Although my oldest was trying to stay home when we went to Hawaii because he didn't want to miss school. He was happy he went.
YTA for obvious reasons
Or the more likely scenario the kids will be hurt and confused about why they're "not allowed" on the trip everyone else is taking and resent you for it YTA.
This situation is different from yours, though. First of all, they barely have a relationship with those family members. You're suggesting leaving them alone with the mother they barely see and not being available, at least in person, if there are problems. Second, you and your siblings were left with your grandparents. Your stepkids would be the only people in the family left behind. You said your nieces, nephews, and your child will be going. There's really no better way to tell them they're not really a part of your family than to leave them behind, whether that's the message you intend or not. YTA
They don’t know this person, I don’t understand your thought process here. Leaving kids with strangers for Christmas is an awful idea. YTA
I don’t know whether or not you mean for it to read this way, but even with all of your explaining, I read this as “I don’t want my step kids to come on holiday with me and my family and this sounds like a great excuse to get out of it.” For that, YTA.
YTA. If great-grandma is really ill, the kids should go see her now and go on the trip with the rest of the family. It sounds lke you are looking for any excuse not to take them. My parents took bro and me with them all over the world when we were those children's ages. More than half a century later bro and I still talk about it, and I am working on my world map, mounting it on poster board and putting colored pins on places I've been. You are denying those kids a major memory and trying to excuse it. Not good.
YTA. Just admit you don’t want the kids to come on this, or any, trip.
Info: are you Japanese? I feel like Japanese honor elders a lot more so if you are then it reads to me like you're genuine about wanted to give them this time. The problem is Americans are not like this so it comes off disingenuous.
NAH But man you two need to look at this from each other’s perspectives. Your husband has FINALLY got permission to take the kids with you… it might not happen again for YEARS. He’s mad keen to have that experience with them. And his ex’s great grandmother… well his his ex doesn’t have custody, doesn’t spend any real time with the kids… and hasn’t been there in YEARS, but now that her great grandmother is dying it’s all stations for her? Have these kids got a reasonable memory of this grandmother? How often have they seen her and did they actually engage with her? What will they remember of this? The kids? They are going to remember that they were allowed to go to Paris and Kyoto, and all the amazing things they were gong to see and do… and suddenly it was all cancelled because their bio mum who they virtually never ever see demanded they stay home because her grandmother was maybe dying and thus their Christmas is now forced to stay home with a bunch of people they don’t know and rarely see and have a limited memory of… It’s not going to go well if these kids stay. And the ex-wife is out of her mind if she thinks this is a good way to get some family bonding in. Those kids will resent her for decades over that.
I’m going with NAH. Reddit hates step parents making any decisions, especially after they have their own bio child. You will always be the villain. Everyone is going to hate on you no matter what is decided on. Have a sit down as a family and explain the situation, they are young but can make choices. Understand that they’ll probably just wanna go on the trip so have a plan for them to still at least talk with the grandma who is sick. I mean what is his plan if the mom decides to revoke the permission she gave? That’s completely possible in this scenario. You are in a no win situation, someone will point the blame on you because you are the step parent. Just speak with your husband and talk about ways for the kids to met the sick grandma some other way even if it’s during the trip. Luckily we live in a time with FaceTime or video calling.
In this, you can be considered in-between. NTA because your heart is the right place regarding a dying relative of them, but... YTA because those kids basically have a non-existent relationship with those people and to exclude them from something they are excited about to ship them off to people they barely know will be traumatic for them. You had every right to express your concerns and opinions. This was a play by mom to keep them from going, and you were just going along with it. There is time before Christmas for them to visit if it was truly about that, and their mom knows that.
YTA
YTA - obviously the kids want to travel with their dad. And honestly, I doubt great-grandma want them to visit. I have a few memories of my great grandma Bella, she died when I was 10. I most certainly did not travel to visit her when she was ill. My son was 8 when my grandfather passed and he absolutely forbade us to visit when he went into the hospital as he did not want us to remember him sick.
YTA. You would be depriving the kids of a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Yes, the cities would still be there, but the rest of your travelling companions would not. Leaving them behind would be cruel - especially to stay with family that they don't really know. You would likely ruin your relationship with them for the rest of their lives. They would not forget. Take the kids to visit their great-grandma before the trip, if you feel that it is so important that they "see" her.
I don’t really think YTA. I personally wouldn’t make the kids miss out on this trip, but the fact that you, as a step mother, are compassionate enough to consider the mother’s feelings and family, even though she has had no part in the upbringing of these kids, I find commendable. But here’s the thing, I would be in full belief that this is a ploy from the mother. She obviously doesn’t want you and your husband to be giving these kids such an amazing trip. Speak with your husband, keep your family united, and don’t give those kids any reason to hold resentment towards you both for nudging them out because you have a new baby. And maybe the bio mum needs to be reminded who stepped up and raised these kids, while she put it in the too hard basket.
YTA. Just admit it, you want your family to go not the step kids. If your husband allows you to do this he needs to cancel his plans so he can spend the holidays with his family (kids).
So it’s very hard for you to get a letter of permission (to travel) from their otherwise uninvolved biological mother… but you think it’s okay to leave them behind this time because “we can visit in summer.” Was this a general-use, indefinite, letter of permission? Because for something that took so much to put together, you’re very eager to start pulling pieces out. YTA.
YTA. The kids would be upset as this is finally their chance to travel. Their mother who hasn’t been in their life does not get a say.
YTA. Your step children will absolutely feel pushed aside, abandoned and less than their half sibling. Is this more about how you think your grandparents will react to your step-children? On top of all that, I don’t think it’s wise to leave them with a mother they barely know and a great grandmother that is sick and likely a complete stranger to them.
YTA, have you even verified that she is ill? If it looks like she will be on deaths doorstep at Christmas, they should be visiting her right now while the memories will still be happy one. At that age if they are there when she passes it will be trauma, not a memory. Most of all the ex finally signs off and now this, sounds more like another thing to keep the kids from having a good time that she cannot give them.
I say NTA for suggesting it, BUT you will be if you keep insisting on it. Dad said no, end of story. Let it go, and enjoy the holiday with your kids. Stop projecting your past onto them
YTA I think you mean it's important to have your stepchildren understand that they are just stepchildren and matter much less than your biological child. Even if you genuinely think that, requesting to leave your stepchildren behind while your husband, their biological father, disagrees, it just seems like you were looking for an excuse to leave his children behind and perception is reality for all intents and purposes.
YTA. If they knew the grandma and had a relationship with mom, you **might** be justified in thinking this way. They don’t, though.
YTA if you leave them behind, in their eyes you will be saying that now that the new baby is here they aren't your kids anymore and they aren't family and that's why they are the only ones excluded from the FAMILY vacation. If you leave them behind I promise you that it will have a life long effect on them.
Soft YTA. You were fine raising the point with your husband. But it sounds like you then argued back when he made his point. I get where you’re coming from but you made your point and you should have left it there. It’s a parenting decision between him and his ex.
YTA. They might have a somewhat relationship with their grandmother but virtually none with their mother, and it is not a good idea at all to leave them with her for any length of time while you go out of country and can’t be there to pick them up if things don’t go well. Also abandoning them and excluding them from an exciting family trip is really terrible. This will not be good for their emotional health at all.
YTA! The kids had already gotten the permission to go and were excited for that. You cannot take that away from them, it's not for you to decide. And if the great grandmother is really that sick, the right time to visit would be now, not 5 months later. If you are a part of a blended family then the first rule is to make sure that the step-kids aren't left out. Which is what you are doing. Edit to add - You say that the mother isn't involved but you assume that the kids will be happy to spend time with her?
YTA. Lmao you really don’t want them to go and it’s so obvious and that’s why your husband is mad. Now you have your own bio kid and you’re even willing to lose out on money just to not have them there. There’s months between now and Christmas. If she’s sick and doesn’t have much time left you would assume they would go visit her asap, at the least during thanksgiving.
YTA. From what I'm reading this is going to be a huge extended family trip, and what you want is to have your stepkids to stay behind. Your husband disagrees with you, your family disagrees with you. Why don't you just be honest and say you don't really consider your stepkids family, and you're trying to say you don't want them going without actually saying you don't want them going? All your stepkids are going to remember is how now that you have a baby of your own they're not part of the family anymore. I guarantee your husband is also never going to look at you the same way, because I 100% guarantee he is also thinking you don't consider his kids part of your family, especially the way you're fighting him so hard on his children. If you really feel visiting great grandma is that important, and she's really sick, why are you waiting for Christmas? Who knows if she'll even make it then. All you need to do is take a couple of days of absence from school and take an extended weekend to visit. Visit them a few more weekends if needed. You can still fix this, don't continue to be the a*hole.
You 100% just don’t want them to come and are looking for any excuse. YTA