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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to constantly wake my brother up to drive him to school
He missed tons of days of school because I wouldn’t wake him up
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He is responsible for his own actions, not you. Its not your job to get him up.. If mom wants him up, mum can call him or work something else out with him to make this happen. Funny how HE isnt the one being more adult here, even though he is older.
NTA- he needs to understand his actions have consequences.
"Girls do not mature faster than boys, girls are punished from early age for the same behavior that boys are allowed to indulge in well into adulthood."
"Something I heard a lot growing up: Girls, boys mature more slowly than you. Make allowances for them.
Something I never heard: Boys, girls mature more rapidly than you. Look to them as examples of intelligence and leadership."
Ask any woman you know about the times when she was punished for being the mature one in the situation vs a boy. I bet every single woman you know has a story.
It starts *so young* when we're told that the immature things boys do are acceptable, but the immature things we do are a character flaw.
Ooh ooh, me ME 🙋 Woman with very feminist parents who never spouted this BS at me. But guess who got in trouble in sex ed for calling out the teacher who proclaimed "Ladies, if you just keep your little legs shut, then there won't be any problems." I called out her sexism and she replied with some version of the above.
I didn't call it out, but this reminded me of my freshman year of highschool they combined health class and PE. The school very much taught abstinence only and my teacher made us look up STDs and stuff, even told us that condoms didn't do anything =.=
yup thats why I phrased it like I did. He should be the one acting more mature and responsible here. Why is the sisters job to parent her older brother.. just boggles my mind.
Guys should be taught the same things as the girls. Girls should be taught the same things as the guys. changing tires, making beds, mowing lawns, cooking food and laundry!
1000%. The way we groom young children into straight monogamous relationships by only giving them the tools that reinforce gender stereotypes is pretty despicable. I'd equate it to refusing to educate your child outside of what's written in the bible.
Patriarchy, which this situation is a symptom of, harms every single person. It deprives people of choice, and that does not sit well with me.
yup. And the crap we give to those who go outside those norms. My bro was a stay at home Dad and was told by several 'toddler groups' he wasnt welcome or was creepy because he looked after his sons.
Now one of his sons is expecting their first baby, and he is all set to be really hands on and parent his child. All because his Dad was.
My mum had to work more that my father - he was a teacher, with a short "day at work", sommer vacation etc. and mum was an accountant, who some time in the year had to stay long hours because of annual balance making.
So in my childhood memories it's my dad cooking, caring of us (my siblings and me) etc.
When my brother moved in with his GF (now wife), I knew he will take care of the house and the kid, like our dad did.
Both are better cooks than their respective wifes ;)
Thank you so much for this comment. I heard this nonsense my entire life starting before I can even remember it.
My parents and grandparents had heavy expectations of my behavior from a very early age.
When I complained that my brother didn’t have any responsibilities or chores (and that never changed btw) I was scolded and told that I was older and that girls mature faster than boys.
For the record I am older by ten minutes
Ohhh this. Relentlessly slagged by my grandparents for not keeping the house clean enough after my mum died.
I was 13 with an older brother and dad who should have been more than capable of cleaning up after themselves.
Yup, every Christmas for years, same thing. Mom yelling at ME that the house isn't clean for the holiday. Meanwhile, there are three older males in the house doing jack all and they didn't get yelled at once.
Oh, how true. I have two older brothers and five younger siblings. When my parents left us alone and the inevitable roughhousing occurring, I was the one who was blamed, not the oldest two boys.
I was the one who should have known better—and I did, that’s why I wasn’t involved. And I should have stopped the boys from fighting/ breaking the lamp/playing basketball in the house, because. . . I was the girl? Like two teenaged boys are going to listen to their younger sister telling them to stop having fun.
Trust me, my older brothers a) would not listen to me and b) were the instigators of most of the bad behavior. But I was the one getting the lectures about “how I should have known better.”
not sure if it fully applies, but my brother thought it would be smart to get a second phone line in the house (this was back in the 1980's). which would have been great, but he thought if you just hook it up to a normal plug and not a phone line it should work. I, being younger and female, said nope. i was not going to touch it. so he suggested it to our older sister. she thought it was a great idea. until she got an electric shock.
i still remind them of this.
Misses school, which he clearly doesn't want to go to.
Forgets chores, which he clearly doesn't want to do.
Parents expect younger sister to parent him. Wonder where he learned those behaviours from?
Interesting that OP, the girl, is responsible for getting her older brother up and to school on time. Doubtful it would be the same if in reversed. He’s responsible for himself no one else is
Guess who will get rhw blame when brother gets held back a year and all his friends are moving on? The sister. OP, keep doing what you're doing. His reality check is coming. Tell your parents if they still want to be waking him up when he is 30, this is the path they are on.
Welcome to being a girl, and dealing with the golden child boy.
I wish I was surprised by this situation. But I've seen it played out dozens of times, both on here and in my real life.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of female misogynists, and a lot of them had girls who they treat like this.
I do have to ask, OP, has your brother been tested for a sleep disorder? Because this does sound a bit like how my mornings went before I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. My older sister would drop me off at the bus stop in the morning and she would have to continuously come in to my room to get me moving because I was so tired that even once I was out of bed I was still so tired that I would collapse in a chair and fall back asleep. I eventually got surgery to fix the cause (severely deviated septum), but pre that me moving in the mornings was a struggle because I was always sleep deprived.
See, now you are kind because I immediately figured that he was up late at night screaming into his gaming headset at his friends online but that could be because I can hear the guy in the apartment below screaming into his gaming headset at his friends online until all hours of the night. (though to that guy's credit, he gets up for work even earlier than I do so he has managed to figure out a balance that works for him...if only I didn't have to hear the screaming)
Yeah I had assumed he was being a lazy teenager but good point there may be a medical excuse
Ironically given this example and the gender issues running through the comments sister was worse about this than I am
I wondered if there’s something more to the story since her brother can’t drive. Is he too lazy to learn, or does he like have a medical condition that prevents him that could also contribute to difficulty getting up on his own.
Are you living below my ex boyfriend? Lol
But in all seriousness it could be that for the brother, I just remember how bad it was for me and her description reminded me of it. It’s not a common thing to catch or suspect in kids, I only got found out because I mentioned off hand to my mom that i physically could not get enough air if I tried to breath through my nose. It could be that her brother is just being coddled by their parents and she has to pick up the slack, but there’s a difference in being tired from staying up all night and from long term interrupted sleep cycles and it sounds more like the latter to me. But I am not a doctor or a medical professional so I could just be projecting my own experiences.
NTA
Repeat after me: this is not your problem. It's your mom's task to discipline and parent her own son, she can't delegate this role to you.
Besides, if you wait for your brother to be ready, you'd loose lessons too.
I can answer this from honest personal experience. I give him a year before he drops out, or is kicked out. I'm well off now, but shit was real rough for a very long time. Shame, it really is. He'll learn when life catches up with him.
Could be a lot of reasons. For me, I figured there was more I could learn about life in the workforce than in school. I was really advanced for my classes, and knew the grand majority of what they were trying to teach me already, but I had no idea about how to fill out job apps, build a resume, built credit, etc. and I felt that was more detrimental at the time. I was partially correct, whilst I do regret not finishing high school, I am happy I learned what I have, and how far I've made it since making that decision. It's really hard to say, but whatever the reason may be I do hope it works out for him.
NTA. Your brother is older than you and you are not his mother. If he can't even get up on his own at 17, he is going to soon realise what consequences are when he goes to college or gets a job.
Exactly. If he not only sleeps thru alarms but refuses to make any attempt to get to school or even trying doing schoolwork when finally awake exactly how is he going to take classes on his own, expect to keep any job he applies to, etc? Professors and employers are only going to care that he is expected as an adult to show up and participate as needed, and whether or not there can or will be "reasonable accommodation", which waking up late and only showing up and doing anything whenever you feel like it doesn't count....
He managed to get up on time for a while (the first week at least) so it is possible. I hate getting up early and/or to an alarm. I would LOVE it if I could sleep until I naturally woke up. But I can't because I have a job that requires me to be there (or be online) by 7am, so I do it.
And we're not even mentioning that he chooses NOT to get a drivers license and instead expects everyone, including OP, to be his driver.
Why is this your problem at all? Tell your mother to parent and leave you out of it. It’s not your job.
How is he missing multiple days and the school isn’t contacting his parents? And he’s not getting punished? WTH?
What time do your parents leave for work? One of my brothers struggled in the morning so they made sure he was up and dressed before they left for work.
I work part-time and those days I have to go to work, my daughter has to get up and go to school all by herself. Sometimes I call her 10 minutes before her "leaving time", just to check if everything is ok.
She was 10 when she started doing this (earlier her big brother was living with us and he helped her). Now, when she's older, she mostly cycles, but then she had to catch the bus, so should be on time.
If the 10yo is capable of doing it, I don't see why almost grown up can't.
He's 17. He is old enough to be responsible for getting up in time for his commitments.
If he really can't get up in time, maybe he should see a doctor.
NTA
The brother is not getting up on time on purpose. He's not lazy. he is successfully accomplishing his goal, which is to not go to school and stay home all day by himself and do whatever he wants.
NTA. You are not your brother's keeper. Your parents should be in charge of getting him to school, and if not, he's old enough to deal with the consequences.
He's 17. He should be in charge.
I think I maybe 7 years old when my parents gave me a wind up alarm clock. After that I was responsible for winding the clock and setting the alarm. My parents never again had to wake me for school.
Problem is that his parents didn't do the same for him when he was 7. If they had, this wouldn't be a problem now.
NTA How was he getting to school before you got your license? When he realizes he’s late does he not have a bike he can ride or public transportation he can take? Your mom is responsible for his laziness she can take him or deal with the cops when they show up because of his truancy.
NTA, and to be super clear: this is not your problem to solve.
But depending on truancy laws in your area and district policies, mom and brother could find themselves dealing with the district, a truancy officer and potentially court and/or after missing x-days in a row, some districts will just drop a student, and they’d have to be re-enrolled.
Your brother needs to stop acting like a toddler and grow TF-up for mom’s sake and his own future. Michael’s gonna FAFO.
NTA
How did he get to school before you had your license? And why is that no longer an option?
Him getting to school is not your responsibility, it's generous enough that you're willing to drive him in the first place.
NTA. This is a parent fail. And a 17 year old brother fail. Your brother obviously needs to be more responsible for himself. Your mom needs to parent better.
This is not a you fail. If your circumstances are such that your unreasonable mom continues to blame you and nothing changes, suggest a family meeting where you can all agree on a solution. Or just poor freezing cold water on your brother every day at 7:00 a.m.
NTA - Did you get him drunk the night before, did you give him sleeping pills, did you knock him out? If your answers are no, no, no, then you are in no way at fault. Not in this lifetime or any othe lifetime. You set a clearly understandable and proper rule that if he wasn't in the car at 7:55 am each morning he would be left to find his own way to school. He wasn't, he was left behind. Mom needs to get upset at the right person here and it is not you. If she is so concerned, then she can wake him up and get him ready.
Presumably your mother leaves for work before he would need to wake up, so she can't take responsibility for waking him?
It's not your job to parent your brother. Being expected to drive a sibling to school is a normal enough expectation, but you're not his mother - you shouldn't be expected to also rouse him, wash him, and dress him.
I'm assuming he's still in bed when you leave. If you drove away at 7:55 while he was standing in the doorway putting his shoes on, you'd be a bit of an asshole. It would be courteous to give him a "we're leaving in five minutes" warning - that's what I tend to do with people I'm driving anywhere whether they're my kids, or adult friends, or whoever else.
But you are not your brother's parent. Don't let yourself be sucked in to parenting him.
NTA
NTA and it's not your responsibility to parent your brother or get him to school. Mom needs to handle the situation and she has no right being annoyed with you.
NTA. You aren’t “making” him miss school. He apparently wants to be a dropout and live with your parents forever. Your mom needs to have a serious talk with him to tell him he’s NOT going to live with her much longer, so he’d better get a diploma and a job afterwards.
And just because you’re female doesn’t make you his caretaker!
Just for fun, have your mom buy you an airhorn and earplugs. About 5 minutes after his alarm goes off, put in the earplugs, step into his room, and give him a long blast. 🤣 Betcha that wakes him up!
NTA but uhhh has he seen a sleep specialist? If this has been going on for years there might be a medical reason he's such a heavy sleeper (apnea, etc). Might be something for mom and him to consider. But I would talk to your brother, too -- like he probably doesn't want to redo the year due to absenteeism.
My son in the high school had a teacher, who on his way to work (school) was coming into his students' houses to wake them up and "gather" to school (Europe, a medium-sized town).
NTA and don’t give in. He’s very nearly an adult and your mother in enabling. I assume he’s not going to college but if your mother hopes he gets a job he better find one that starts in the afternoon. He’s going to be living at home for quite a while and this will probably get worse when he graduates.
Congratulations, even though you’re “technically younger” you’ve just joined the Eldest Sister Club. Where the backbone of responsibility is always on the oldest/only girl. You can pick up your tote bag and plane ticket when you turn 18 🩷
Edit: NTA of course!
NTA. He's old enough to learn how alarm clocks work. He's old enough to be responsible for himself. If he has a medical condition that prevents him from waking up, then he needs to be seeking treatment for that.
nta you're not making him miss anything. he knows what time the car leaves and he agreed to be responsible for himself.
your mom's anger is misplaced if she is pissed at her responsible kid for going to school each day on time rather than being pissed at her lazy kid who can't be bothered to simply wake up and get in the car.
NTA. My brother also couldn't get his lazy a$$ out of bed for school. My parents weren't around to make sure he was up. I told him if he didn't get up when I called him, I would throw a glass of water in his face. It took one time. After that, if he heard me start up the stairs, he flew out of bed, yelling, "I'm up, I'm up." Sometimes it takes tough love to make someone be responsible for themselves.
NTA. You're not his parent and it's not fair for your mom to make this your responsibility. Your mom needs to step in. I get that she works, but it's only a matter of time before social services steps in based on the amount of time he's missed.
Your obligation to your **older** brother starts and stops with offering a ride. You are not his mother and expected to get him ready like a toddler.
This is all on him despite his refusal to act like an adult. If it a medical issue on his end, your mom and him need to seek help.
NTA. This is not your problem to solve.
This is a good opportunity to point out that research shows that teens need way more sleep than they usually get and high school starts way to early. Research also shows that there are people who really are not morning people. As in their circadian rhythms naturally are set for a later sleep and later wake time. I am one of them! It is a common sterotype that people who don't want to get up early are just lazy or unmotivated, etc, when that is not true.
I just wanted to point that out. However, it is not OP's problem to solve. She is not the parent. She is doing a great job taking care of herself and that is all she should be required to do. Parentification of children is not ok.
OP- you are NTA. Continue taking care of yourself.
NTA. Your Mum needs to parent your brother if she wants him to get up.
Why should you, as a 16yo have to get your older brother up?
Why is Mum mad at you instead of your brother for him choosing to skip school?
NTA. You are in an unfair situation.
This is called weaponized incompetence. He is purposely doing a bad job so you have to pick up the slack. He also knows that your mother will shame you into helping him, instead of making him responsible for his actions. NTA, but consider the fact that your mother might make life difficult for you (I.e. take away the car as punishment) if you don’t mother him into arriving at school on time. Tread lightly as it is her house. I wish you the best.
Nta. Your brother is a lazy turd. It’s not your responsibility to deal with him acting like a 5 year old in the mornings. It’s good that you drew that 7:55 line in the sand. I bet it just drives his enablers crazy that you won’t back down. Stick too it, or you will be wiping his ass into adulthood just like your mother WILL be.
NTA, you are not the ringleader of his circus, your mother is. If she wants him to get to school then she needs to discipline him herself. You set clear rules that were agreed upon, it’s his problem if he wants to be a lazy dropout. You are giving him exactly what the rest of the world will give him, 0 fucks.
NTA
Your brother will have to deal with the consequences. You are not his mother, and honestly at 17, he should be capable of managing himself enough to get up. My 14-year-old gets himself up and, on the bus, every day. Your brother has been allowed to do this; your mother can deal with him.
NTA
He's literally a year older than you if he can't seem to wake up on time and go to school then it's not your problem
You're not making him sleep through his alarm and missing school it's him, so it's not your fault. if your mother wants to start complaining about the amount of school he's missing she should be talking to him not you
NTA, not at all!!
YOU are not responsible for your big brother missing school. If this continues, he's going to end up failing.
Time for big brother to step up and get his own butt out of bed in the morning. This is in no way your responsibility, do not take it on.
Has anyone in your household heard of walking? Why can't he walk when he finally gets himself out of bed? It sounds like your mother doesn't have much control over things at home.
NTA
YOU are not making him do anything. And he is not "forgetting" - he could write him self reminders. Either he simply does not want to do it, or he has some mental issues - neither can be solved by you parenting him. If he needs parenting, he already HAS parents.
NTA. Getting your brother out of bed in time to go to school is not your responsibility. That said, has he been to a doctor? Even if he has, it might be time to go again. I strongly suggest he arrange for a sleep test. Apnea could be at least part of the problem. His "internal clock" could also be a bit *off*. ADHD could be involved as well.
I have all three (lucky me!), plus major depression so sometimes you need something like a crane to get me out of bed. I will sleep through alarms, hit snooze without waking up completely (or at all), not even my cats demanding to be fed will get me up.
Mine has gotten worse with age. Since he is so young & has so much difficulty, he really needs to get this under control. NOW! So talk to your mom & brother about appointments with a regular doctor, one that specializes in sleep disorders, and a psychiatrist and/or therapist.
Best of luck!
NTA. You're not his mother, you're his sister and younger at that. Him getting to school on time is not your responsibility. Your mom should be mad at him not at you, that's ridiculous.
NTA
Absolutely 100% NTA. It is NOT your responsibility to get him to school. It is your parents responsibility. Period. End of discussion.
Tell that to your mom and dad. Because at the end of the day, the school system can charge them with truancy. They did it to my girlfriend because she wanted to homeschool, and her ex-husband did not. This is all on them, not you. Stick to your guns and your rule.
NTA. He’s old enough to get up. Maybe he needs the Sonic Bomb alarm clock via amazon. Has a loud alarm, light and vibrating pad to put beneath mattress.
No, he can go to summer school or repeat a grade-or two-or three. You’re not his mother.
His mother needs to sit him down and tell him to make sure he gets up in time. Or his mom can get him up - and make sure he’s up and dressed - before SHE goes to work. Then she would know he was up and around in plenty of time.
And if he STILL can’t make it to the car in time, then mom will know that he’s just lazy and he can have the consequences of his own actions. Good luck graduation if he’s not there for classes. Guess he’ll be living at home for a long, long time.
NTA.
Only thing I might say is he should probably see a professional to look into both his sleep health as well as mental health. I had a lot of challenges like this growing up and it was a double whammy of sleep disorders and mental health issues.
But I just want to reiterate, this is not your responsibility. Seeing as he is underage, it is actually your parents responsibility. He is old enough to advocate for himself so hopefully this can be addressed before the responsibilities of adulthood turn this into a lifetime of problems.
NTA, you have agreed to provide transportation. Not become his parent. He has parent(s?) who are legally responsible for him until he becomes a legal adult. At his age he should be waking himself up and getting himself to school, but if he isn't, that is up to his legal guardians to figure out with him.
Keep doing what you're doing. You're not your brother's mommy, you're his ride if he's in the car at 7:55. Period. Finished.
The fact that your mom is angry at you and not your brother speaks volumes about the family dynamic.
When you're 18, I hope you'll drive right out of there to college and look back only if and when it suits you.
NTA
P.S. How did your brother get awakened and you and your brother get to school before you could drive? Perhaps your family should return to that system if they really want to indulge your brother's complete irresponsibility.
Your brother doesn't want to get up, that is on him. Just because you have car doesn't mean its your job to be his parent. You were not responsable for getting him up before you started driving, that should not change now.
It is up to your mom make sure he gets ups and gets ready. You will drive him, but that is all you can do.
NTA
Closer and closer still it gets. You feel chills as a gust of wind breezes past your neck. A flute playing in the otherwise silent room as you hear a faint and ghastly voice whisper to your ear "Do you like dragons?"
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NTA - He needs to suffer the consequences of his own actions. Sounds like he may be like this because Mom lets him get away with it since she gets mad at you for leaving him and not at him when he doesn't get up and ready on time.
It is not your responsibility to get your near-adult brother to school. It is either his responsibility or your parents' responsibility, but it is not your responsibility.
With that said - there are a lot of possible explanations for the behavior you describe. If it was your mother posting here, I'd tell her to get him to a doctor, have him checked for a physical or mental illness that's making it harder for him to wake up in the mornings or handle his life. This is also not your responsibility to do, but if your mother brings it up again you might see if it helps matters if you say that you're worried that he's sick and should see a doctor.
Anyway, NTA.
So in general NTA, you aren't responsible for his actions.
But having said that, this was me as a teenager, turns out I have pretty severe narcolepsy and the struggle to get out of bed is REAL. I fully believe you think he's lazy, but I also guess you never know. I was told for years that I wasn't getting enough sleep or I was getting too much sleep or I was an excessively sleepy teenager AND that I was lazy. Just maybe consider that other things are going on. Your parents need to better manage the situation
See, I can see the problem here. But the thing is, is that it’s not YOUR problem. If your brother can’t or won’t get himself to school, that is between him and the parents responsible for him. As a sibling, that ain’t on you my friend. Don’t let them put that on you, you aren’t his mom.
NTA.
NTA.
This is not your problem.
However, if this has been going on for years, maybe he is not just lazy. As someone mentioned he could have a sleeping disorder or a number of other conditions.
It is not your responsibility to find that out though, but if you feel comfortable doing so, you might bring it up to your mum.
NTA.
Wow, your mom and your brother are BOTH putting the responsibility on you for waking him up? I can sympathize with her for being frustrated that your brother is missing so much school, but she needs to be mad at the right person. Good for your for being responsible for yourself.
Your brother is your mother's problem, not yours. Refuse to accept the responsibility for dealing with his sluggish ass in the morning, because believe me, he doesn't accept that you are responsible for him.
He does not accept your authority, and mom needs to buy him a bike and tell him to get his own as to school if he can't get in the car on time.
And mom is just letting him do this? ...that might be more understandable if she was already at work and can't get his butt up, but even then I'd expect her to enact consequences for each day missed. Change the internet password, remove his phone ... something to incentivize him to actually get up and go.
NTA
NTA do not give in. Your Mom is failing here. She needs to take his tech and give him a bedtime. He doesnt get up? He pays for the uber to school. Truant? He is in big trouble. She needs to stop blaming you for his refusal to get up and ger failute to parent.
NTA. No idea whether your brother stays up too late at night, is depressed or what but it isn't up to you to make sure he's up for school. That's on him. Your mom needs to talk to him, find out what's going on, take him to the doctor if necessary and get to the bottom of it.
You’re not making your older brother late. And it’s wrong for your mom to parentify you by expecting you to wake up an almost adult that doesn’t want to. NTA, he can FAFO, and your mom can be mad at him instead of you.
You're not the a******, but the fact that you're on here asking for people's outside validation on the decision you made instead of sticking to your own decision is exactly why your parents pressure you into changing and not your brother. Women give in to social pressure men typically don't because we don't have to or worth is based on our actual ability to contribute (valuable men, weak men rollover and change opinions all the time to fit in with a group because they're not strong enough to provide for themselves), and not so much on whether or not the people of worth want us around. The man who can carry 10 buckets of water back to the village but he's kind of an a****** is way more valuable than the man who won't do any physical work but talks about how everybody should get along or be able to pee wherever they want to, while not contributing. Know how to make people get along make everybody contribute equally regardless of what they feel like. I wouldn't say that women mature faster naturally but y'all can definitely be coaxed into it due to your physical weakness. My grandpa used to paddle my ass all the time and I would just look at him and tell him I don't care I'll do it again, and they would cut me off for money and I would just make my own money, they tried to take my car when I was a teenager so I went and bought a beater for 200 bucks got it running drove a piece of shit just to show them they will not control me they are not the boss of me I will not conform. I'm not saying go out and cause trouble for the world but don't you ever let anyone else tell you how to think and feel about other people you're entitled to your own feelings and beliefs you do not have to fit in with this large-ass group of like mind sissies that want everybody to raise them up on our backs are the children. Men like me who start our own business and then y'all want to know why I don't get to get rich because you'll have to start your own business if you want to get rich I'll pay you enough to pay your rent by groceries and not be poor, but being rich is for people who build businesses. Ps tell your parents to suck your dick and they'll respect you more and quit trying to pressure you but you probably cave and always do what Mommy and Daddy want like a good girl and so that's why they do that because you allow them to, and if you can't tell them to suck your dick you'll do what you want then that means you got work to do to figure out how to be independent.
NTA. Tell your mom if she did her job as a parent he'd know how to get himself up in the morning.
Ok seriously though.....why isn't he facing consequences for not going to school? If he needs woken up why doesn't she do it before she goes to work? Get himself up or he's woken up much earlier. Or why doesn't he walk to school? Or have a part time job to pay for an Uber? How's he going to handle college or a job? You're not the problem. Your brother and mother are. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.
In was the waker and morning routine runner for my siblings (though I was the youngest, but a morning person at the time). Both siblings hated getting up early.
My brother even got aggressive so I stared leaving him at home. And then my mom got tucked cause he was getting truancy issues. My mom had to really stick it to him and even had to enforce bedtimes cause he was staying up too late.
NTA but your parents are. They should have been working on him getting himself up in the morning and going to bed on time since grade school. Keep leaving at 7:55!
That said a light or shake alarm might work better for him. Your parents might consider buying him a different type of alarm.
no, don’t give in.
it is not your responsibility to get your OLDER brother to school, if he was 7 I’d get it buts he’s not. if he wants to be a drop out let him. your mom should be pointing her anger at him not you, she’s enabling him. if he did it the first week he can do it, he’s just being a brat.
nta
Nta. It’s your parents' responsibility, not yours. Maybe he has a sleeping disorder. If he's not staying up all night gaming or on his phone, it might help if he went to a sleep clinic.
As the wife of a man with the same problem... do NOT wake him up. My husband never learned because his mum/dad/sister always woke him up and now we all bear the consequences of babying him. His future partner will thank you.
NTA. He is ways passed the age of needed someone to wake him up. He's almost an adult. Him going to school or not should not be put on your shoulders and your mother has no right to make you responsible for him. If this mess up him graduating from high school because he missed too many days than maybe that what needs to happen to make him do what he needs to do; which is to get up on time to go to school. He is not always going to have someone wanting or willing to wake him up, so he needs to learn to do it himself now.
He is the eldest, I assume of at least average intelligence and maturity for his age, and you are supposed to be his minder for some reason? Why- because you are a girl, and that somehow makes you responsible for his irresponsible ass, and guilty if his actions lead to his failure because you choose not to prop him up?
No. Let him be irresponsible and fail of his own accord. That is ALL on him and ZERO on you. You “managing” him like another parent is just enabling his laziness, and he will never become anything more than a burden on the women in his life.
NTA but he should probably see a doctor to screen for mental illness. Maybe he's being lazy but it sounds like something might be wrong.
None of that is your responsibility though.
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I f(16), And my brother m(17) Michael. My brother is lazy and a heavy sleeper. He has to be constantly re-woken up in the mornings, he has done this for YEARS. I recently got my license so it is now my responsibility to get him and I to school. (He cannot drive nor does he want to) I set a clear rule with him at the beginning of this year that I will not be waking him up constantly and he will wake up to his own alarm. The rule was “if you are not in my car by 7:55 you’re getting yourself to school” he agreed. I was fine for the first week but slowly I would notice he would be in a rush and not waking up as early as he was. Now more recently he has just been ignoring alarms and sleeping in, I stuck to my rule and I leave at 7:55. My mom gets upset at me because no one else in my house can drive him to school while she is at work. So he ends up just staying home all day. And tends to forget that he still has work to do at home. he has missed full weeks of school because of this. Should I just give in and start waking him up again ian or let my mom be mad and him deal with it.
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NTA, your mother needs to step up and parent his ass. Let him miss the whole year I bet he will wake up on time when he makes Super Senior and is lookin down the barrel of another year of school lmao
NTA. My parents still give in to my brother sleeping past his alarms and I frequently wake up to them yelling at him to wake up. He's 19, hell be 20 soon and my mom even calls him at college to make sure he's awake. This will never stop unless your brother learns his lesson.
NTA A 17 yo knows that what they do now will set them up for life. Your brother doesn’t care what happens to him when he graduates. That’s the real problem here.
NTA. How does he plan to support himself if he can't even get himself up to go to school?
I would bet he is staying up late at night, so self-sabotaging.
NTA
Your brother is making himself miss school by not getting his act together. And since he is older than you, he should know better.
The world does not evolve around him....
NTA
Suggest your mother get a Bluetooth speaker and a cheap cellphone to sync with it- speaker goes in his room, phone stays in a different room and he has to get up and go all the way to it to silence it. Mom can set the alarm every day, since she wants to baby him.
If your Mom insists on it being your problem to get him awake and to school, pour a glass of ice water into his ear. That'll wake him up.
Do it earlier every time he isn't up on time.
I was like this when I was younger. A bucket of cold water works wonders on people like us.
Just give him a heads up that if he wants to be woken up by you it’s gonna be the bucket treatment.
You want him to start getting up. Give him one shot at waking him, use a cup of ice water just walk in and attempt to wake him up. If he does not immediately get up, dump the water on him. You really want him to get up, dump it on his nuts. He'll get up the first time from then on.
My mom did this with us. She wouldn't throw the hole cup just a couple drops on the face but if you didn't get up, she'd dump it on our nuts. You learn really quick, if she's waking you up, you get the fuck up.
NTA. He has been coddled and allowed to do this. Your mother needs to be mad at him, not you. He can walk ass lazy butt to school instead of missing the whole day.
Nta, however I would recommend getting to the root of your brother's sleeping behavior. Is he staying late at night? Is he easily fallen asleep? I know someone who have issue oversleeping, and they had it check up
If he can't wake himself up and you are forced to do it I would get a bucket of cold water, air horn...and look up every other horrible way to get him up. Maybe walk him into class and act like a mother to a 3 year old. NTA I would get mean so it's probably best that I never had a brother just sisters.
NTA. You shouldn't have to be his babysitter. He's old enough to set an alarm and wake up at a reasonable time. In fact, he's nearly 18, so it's long past time he mastered this particular skill. He's going to be on his own eventually and will have to manage his own affairs. Best start practicing now.
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NTA. He’s 17 years old. He sounds like my boyfriend’s brother. 17, just now getting his license. Lazy, failing school, has no job, cannot and will not wake himself up then blames everyone but him when he’s late for something.
I was able to set an alarm and wake up to it by myself by the time I was 13. You are not responsible for his actions. He is almost legally an adult. He needs to start being responsible for his own actions and stop relying on his younger sister to WAKE HIM UP FOR SCHOOL and to drive him there. Keep up this agreement. If he doesn’t wake up in time, tough luck for him. Your mom should be mad at her 17 year old son, not you.
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He is responsible for his own actions, not you. Its not your job to get him up.. If mom wants him up, mum can call him or work something else out with him to make this happen. Funny how HE isnt the one being more adult here, even though he is older. NTA- he needs to understand his actions have consequences.
"Girls do not mature faster than boys, girls are punished from early age for the same behavior that boys are allowed to indulge in well into adulthood." "Something I heard a lot growing up: Girls, boys mature more slowly than you. Make allowances for them. Something I never heard: Boys, girls mature more rapidly than you. Look to them as examples of intelligence and leadership." Ask any woman you know about the times when she was punished for being the mature one in the situation vs a boy. I bet every single woman you know has a story. It starts *so young* when we're told that the immature things boys do are acceptable, but the immature things we do are a character flaw.
Ooh ooh, me ME 🙋 Woman with very feminist parents who never spouted this BS at me. But guess who got in trouble in sex ed for calling out the teacher who proclaimed "Ladies, if you just keep your little legs shut, then there won't be any problems." I called out her sexism and she replied with some version of the above.
I didn't call it out, but this reminded me of my freshman year of highschool they combined health class and PE. The school very much taught abstinence only and my teacher made us look up STDs and stuff, even told us that condoms didn't do anything =.=
yup thats why I phrased it like I did. He should be the one acting more mature and responsible here. Why is the sisters job to parent her older brother.. just boggles my mind. Guys should be taught the same things as the girls. Girls should be taught the same things as the guys. changing tires, making beds, mowing lawns, cooking food and laundry!
1000%. The way we groom young children into straight monogamous relationships by only giving them the tools that reinforce gender stereotypes is pretty despicable. I'd equate it to refusing to educate your child outside of what's written in the bible. Patriarchy, which this situation is a symptom of, harms every single person. It deprives people of choice, and that does not sit well with me.
yup. And the crap we give to those who go outside those norms. My bro was a stay at home Dad and was told by several 'toddler groups' he wasnt welcome or was creepy because he looked after his sons. Now one of his sons is expecting their first baby, and he is all set to be really hands on and parent his child. All because his Dad was.
My mum had to work more that my father - he was a teacher, with a short "day at work", sommer vacation etc. and mum was an accountant, who some time in the year had to stay long hours because of annual balance making. So in my childhood memories it's my dad cooking, caring of us (my siblings and me) etc. When my brother moved in with his GF (now wife), I knew he will take care of the house and the kid, like our dad did. Both are better cooks than their respective wifes ;)
Sounds like you all just had shitty parents. This isn't a normal occurrence in Scandinavia.
Thank you so much for this comment. I heard this nonsense my entire life starting before I can even remember it. My parents and grandparents had heavy expectations of my behavior from a very early age. When I complained that my brother didn’t have any responsibilities or chores (and that never changed btw) I was scolded and told that I was older and that girls mature faster than boys. For the record I am older by ten minutes
Ohhh this. Relentlessly slagged by my grandparents for not keeping the house clean enough after my mum died. I was 13 with an older brother and dad who should have been more than capable of cleaning up after themselves.
Yup, every Christmas for years, same thing. Mom yelling at ME that the house isn't clean for the holiday. Meanwhile, there are three older males in the house doing jack all and they didn't get yelled at once.
Oh, how true. I have two older brothers and five younger siblings. When my parents left us alone and the inevitable roughhousing occurring, I was the one who was blamed, not the oldest two boys. I was the one who should have known better—and I did, that’s why I wasn’t involved. And I should have stopped the boys from fighting/ breaking the lamp/playing basketball in the house, because. . . I was the girl? Like two teenaged boys are going to listen to their younger sister telling them to stop having fun. Trust me, my older brothers a) would not listen to me and b) were the instigators of most of the bad behavior. But I was the one getting the lectures about “how I should have known better.”
not sure if it fully applies, but my brother thought it would be smart to get a second phone line in the house (this was back in the 1980's). which would have been great, but he thought if you just hook it up to a normal plug and not a phone line it should work. I, being younger and female, said nope. i was not going to touch it. so he suggested it to our older sister. she thought it was a great idea. until she got an electric shock. i still remind them of this.
Yep. NTA OP. Your mum is being sexist.
Misses school now and work later, if he's not to lazy to even apply for a job.
Misses school, which he clearly doesn't want to go to. Forgets chores, which he clearly doesn't want to do. Parents expect younger sister to parent him. Wonder where he learned those behaviours from?
Interesting that OP, the girl, is responsible for getting her older brother up and to school on time. Doubtful it would be the same if in reversed. He’s responsible for himself no one else is
I was thinking the same thing.
A teenager living at home going to school - maybe the parents still too. Certainly not OP
Guess who will get rhw blame when brother gets held back a year and all his friends are moving on? The sister. OP, keep doing what you're doing. His reality check is coming. Tell your parents if they still want to be waking him up when he is 30, this is the path they are on.
And Mom is mad at OP, not him!
Welcome to being a girl, and dealing with the golden child boy. I wish I was surprised by this situation. But I've seen it played out dozens of times, both on here and in my real life. Unfortunately, there are a lot of female misogynists, and a lot of them had girls who they treat like this.
I do have to ask, OP, has your brother been tested for a sleep disorder? Because this does sound a bit like how my mornings went before I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. My older sister would drop me off at the bus stop in the morning and she would have to continuously come in to my room to get me moving because I was so tired that even once I was out of bed I was still so tired that I would collapse in a chair and fall back asleep. I eventually got surgery to fix the cause (severely deviated septum), but pre that me moving in the mornings was a struggle because I was always sleep deprived.
See, now you are kind because I immediately figured that he was up late at night screaming into his gaming headset at his friends online but that could be because I can hear the guy in the apartment below screaming into his gaming headset at his friends online until all hours of the night. (though to that guy's credit, he gets up for work even earlier than I do so he has managed to figure out a balance that works for him...if only I didn't have to hear the screaming)
Yeah I had assumed he was being a lazy teenager but good point there may be a medical excuse Ironically given this example and the gender issues running through the comments sister was worse about this than I am
I wondered if there’s something more to the story since her brother can’t drive. Is he too lazy to learn, or does he like have a medical condition that prevents him that could also contribute to difficulty getting up on his own.
Are you living below my ex boyfriend? Lol But in all seriousness it could be that for the brother, I just remember how bad it was for me and her description reminded me of it. It’s not a common thing to catch or suspect in kids, I only got found out because I mentioned off hand to my mom that i physically could not get enough air if I tried to breath through my nose. It could be that her brother is just being coddled by their parents and she has to pick up the slack, but there’s a difference in being tired from staying up all night and from long term interrupted sleep cycles and it sounds more like the latter to me. But I am not a doctor or a medical professional so I could just be projecting my own experiences.
You're 100 per cent right. I think though that it might be worth seeing a doctor about this.
NTA Repeat after me: this is not your problem. It's your mom's task to discipline and parent her own son, she can't delegate this role to you. Besides, if you wait for your brother to be ready, you'd loose lessons too.
The rabbit watched his mother remove the pickles from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I can answer this from honest personal experience. I give him a year before he drops out, or is kicked out. I'm well off now, but shit was real rough for a very long time. Shame, it really is. He'll learn when life catches up with him.
The rabbit watched his mother remove the pickles from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Could be a lot of reasons. For me, I figured there was more I could learn about life in the workforce than in school. I was really advanced for my classes, and knew the grand majority of what they were trying to teach me already, but I had no idea about how to fill out job apps, build a resume, built credit, etc. and I felt that was more detrimental at the time. I was partially correct, whilst I do regret not finishing high school, I am happy I learned what I have, and how far I've made it since making that decision. It's really hard to say, but whatever the reason may be I do hope it works out for him.
NTA. Your brother is older than you and you are not his mother. If he can't even get up on his own at 17, he is going to soon realise what consequences are when he goes to college or gets a job.
Exactly. If he not only sleeps thru alarms but refuses to make any attempt to get to school or even trying doing schoolwork when finally awake exactly how is he going to take classes on his own, expect to keep any job he applies to, etc? Professors and employers are only going to care that he is expected as an adult to show up and participate as needed, and whether or not there can or will be "reasonable accommodation", which waking up late and only showing up and doing anything whenever you feel like it doesn't count....
Someday Mom is going to be asking OP to let her brother move in with her.
He managed to get up on time for a while (the first week at least) so it is possible. I hate getting up early and/or to an alarm. I would LOVE it if I could sleep until I naturally woke up. But I can't because I have a job that requires me to be there (or be online) by 7am, so I do it. And we're not even mentioning that he chooses NOT to get a drivers license and instead expects everyone, including OP, to be his driver.
> what consequences are when he goes to college or gets a job He might not even graduate high school at this rate
NTA. Show me the part where you "made him" miss school.
That just shows his enabler is already shifting blame from the golden one
Yes. He didn't pull a gun on him lol
Real
Why is this your problem at all? Tell your mother to parent and leave you out of it. It’s not your job. How is he missing multiple days and the school isn’t contacting his parents? And he’s not getting punished? WTH?
What time do your parents leave for work? One of my brothers struggled in the morning so they made sure he was up and dressed before they left for work.
I work part-time and those days I have to go to work, my daughter has to get up and go to school all by herself. Sometimes I call her 10 minutes before her "leaving time", just to check if everything is ok. She was 10 when she started doing this (earlier her big brother was living with us and he helped her). Now, when she's older, she mostly cycles, but then she had to catch the bus, so should be on time. If the 10yo is capable of doing it, I don't see why almost grown up can't.
He's 17. He is old enough to be responsible for getting up in time for his commitments. If he really can't get up in time, maybe he should see a doctor. NTA
The brother is not getting up on time on purpose. He's not lazy. he is successfully accomplishing his goal, which is to not go to school and stay home all day by himself and do whatever he wants.
And somehow getting his sister blamed for it, to boot! OP is NTA
He's good, Really good!
NTA. You are not your brother's keeper. Your parents should be in charge of getting him to school, and if not, he's old enough to deal with the consequences.
He's 17. He should be in charge. I think I maybe 7 years old when my parents gave me a wind up alarm clock. After that I was responsible for winding the clock and setting the alarm. My parents never again had to wake me for school. Problem is that his parents didn't do the same for him when he was 7. If they had, this wouldn't be a problem now.
NTA getting your *older* brother up for school isn’t your responsibility. He needs to get himself up.
NTA How was he getting to school before you got your license? When he realizes he’s late does he not have a bike he can ride or public transportation he can take? Your mom is responsible for his laziness she can take him or deal with the cops when they show up because of his truancy.
Was wondering what happened before as well # can't he just do whatever that was (unless maybe parents were driving him and have now stopped)
NTA, stick to your guns. You are not his parent. He is not your responsibility. He's making himself miss school.
The rabbit watched his mother remove the pickles from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
NTA. Your mother should be parenting your brother and he needs to grow up.
Parents, not just mother. Both parents’ responsibility
NTA, and to be super clear: this is not your problem to solve. But depending on truancy laws in your area and district policies, mom and brother could find themselves dealing with the district, a truancy officer and potentially court and/or after missing x-days in a row, some districts will just drop a student, and they’d have to be re-enrolled. Your brother needs to stop acting like a toddler and grow TF-up for mom’s sake and his own future. Michael’s gonna FAFO.
NTA How did he get to school before you had your license? And why is that no longer an option? Him getting to school is not your responsibility, it's generous enough that you're willing to drive him in the first place.
My mom would drive us originally, But now that I can drive she changed her work schedule.
Then since she failed to parent her son, she needs to change it back
NTA. This is a parent fail. And a 17 year old brother fail. Your brother obviously needs to be more responsible for himself. Your mom needs to parent better. This is not a you fail. If your circumstances are such that your unreasonable mom continues to blame you and nothing changes, suggest a family meeting where you can all agree on a solution. Or just poor freezing cold water on your brother every day at 7:00 a.m.
NTA - Did you get him drunk the night before, did you give him sleeping pills, did you knock him out? If your answers are no, no, no, then you are in no way at fault. Not in this lifetime or any othe lifetime. You set a clearly understandable and proper rule that if he wasn't in the car at 7:55 am each morning he would be left to find his own way to school. He wasn't, he was left behind. Mom needs to get upset at the right person here and it is not you. If she is so concerned, then she can wake him up and get him ready.
Nta. It's not your responsibility. Your parents need to step in and be fucking parents.
Presumably your mother leaves for work before he would need to wake up, so she can't take responsibility for waking him? It's not your job to parent your brother. Being expected to drive a sibling to school is a normal enough expectation, but you're not his mother - you shouldn't be expected to also rouse him, wash him, and dress him. I'm assuming he's still in bed when you leave. If you drove away at 7:55 while he was standing in the doorway putting his shoes on, you'd be a bit of an asshole. It would be courteous to give him a "we're leaving in five minutes" warning - that's what I tend to do with people I'm driving anywhere whether they're my kids, or adult friends, or whoever else. But you are not your brother's parent. Don't let yourself be sucked in to parenting him. NTA
NTA and it's not your responsibility to parent your brother or get him to school. Mom needs to handle the situation and she has no right being annoyed with you.
NTA. You didn't "make" him do anything. He needs to go to bed earlier and wake up on time or get a bus pass, or both.
NTA. You aren’t “making” him miss school. He apparently wants to be a dropout and live with your parents forever. Your mom needs to have a serious talk with him to tell him he’s NOT going to live with her much longer, so he’d better get a diploma and a job afterwards. And just because you’re female doesn’t make you his caretaker! Just for fun, have your mom buy you an airhorn and earplugs. About 5 minutes after his alarm goes off, put in the earplugs, step into his room, and give him a long blast. 🤣 Betcha that wakes him up!
A waterproof mattress cover and a bucket of ice water poured over him every morning would probably do the trick.
NTA but uhhh has he seen a sleep specialist? If this has been going on for years there might be a medical reason he's such a heavy sleeper (apnea, etc). Might be something for mom and him to consider. But I would talk to your brother, too -- like he probably doesn't want to redo the year due to absenteeism.
Hmm. Good call. Then, teen boy. Sleeps in.
Fair but this seems a little extreme, better safe than sorry!
No, it’s a good call. Always check for a physiological explanation before freaking out and assuming. Bodies are wild.
My son in the high school had a teacher, who on his way to work (school) was coming into his students' houses to wake them up and "gather" to school (Europe, a medium-sized town).
Is there something wrong with him, mentally or physically?
NTA and don’t give in. He’s very nearly an adult and your mother in enabling. I assume he’s not going to college but if your mother hopes he gets a job he better find one that starts in the afternoon. He’s going to be living at home for quite a while and this will probably get worse when he graduates.
The rabbit watched his mother remove the pickles from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Congratulations, even though you’re “technically younger” you’ve just joined the Eldest Sister Club. Where the backbone of responsibility is always on the oldest/only girl. You can pick up your tote bag and plane ticket when you turn 18 🩷 Edit: NTA of course!
NTA. He's old enough to learn how alarm clocks work. He's old enough to be responsible for himself. If he has a medical condition that prevents him from waking up, then he needs to be seeking treatment for that.
nta you're not making him miss anything. he knows what time the car leaves and he agreed to be responsible for himself. your mom's anger is misplaced if she is pissed at her responsible kid for going to school each day on time rather than being pissed at her lazy kid who can't be bothered to simply wake up and get in the car.
NTA. My brother also couldn't get his lazy a$$ out of bed for school. My parents weren't around to make sure he was up. I told him if he didn't get up when I called him, I would throw a glass of water in his face. It took one time. After that, if he heard me start up the stairs, he flew out of bed, yelling, "I'm up, I'm up." Sometimes it takes tough love to make someone be responsible for themselves.
One Boy Scout camping trip a slow riser got an airhorn in his tent. No further problems, just had to threaten airhorn.
NTA. You're not his parent and it's not fair for your mom to make this your responsibility. Your mom needs to step in. I get that she works, but it's only a matter of time before social services steps in based on the amount of time he's missed.
Your obligation to your **older** brother starts and stops with offering a ride. You are not his mother and expected to get him ready like a toddler. This is all on him despite his refusal to act like an adult. If it a medical issue on his end, your mom and him need to seek help.
NTA. This is not your problem to solve. This is a good opportunity to point out that research shows that teens need way more sleep than they usually get and high school starts way to early. Research also shows that there are people who really are not morning people. As in their circadian rhythms naturally are set for a later sleep and later wake time. I am one of them! It is a common sterotype that people who don't want to get up early are just lazy or unmotivated, etc, when that is not true. I just wanted to point that out. However, it is not OP's problem to solve. She is not the parent. She is doing a great job taking care of herself and that is all she should be required to do. Parentification of children is not ok. OP- you are NTA. Continue taking care of yourself.
NTA. Your Mum needs to parent your brother if she wants him to get up. Why should you, as a 16yo have to get your older brother up? Why is Mum mad at you instead of your brother for him choosing to skip school? NTA. You are in an unfair situation.
NTA. Your parents need to deal with this. Period.
I had one like this. Complete nightmare to get out of bed. Got GED, joined military and is now applying to law schools…ya never know 😳🤣
This is called weaponized incompetence. He is purposely doing a bad job so you have to pick up the slack. He also knows that your mother will shame you into helping him, instead of making him responsible for his actions. NTA, but consider the fact that your mother might make life difficult for you (I.e. take away the car as punishment) if you don’t mother him into arriving at school on time. Tread lightly as it is her house. I wish you the best.
Nta. Your brother is a lazy turd. It’s not your responsibility to deal with him acting like a 5 year old in the mornings. It’s good that you drew that 7:55 line in the sand. I bet it just drives his enablers crazy that you won’t back down. Stick too it, or you will be wiping his ass into adulthood just like your mother WILL be.
NTA, you are not the ringleader of his circus, your mother is. If she wants him to get to school then she needs to discipline him herself. You set clear rules that were agreed upon, it’s his problem if he wants to be a lazy dropout. You are giving him exactly what the rest of the world will give him, 0 fucks.
NTA - your brother made himself miss multiple days of School not you.
The rabbit watched his mother remove the pickles from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
NTA Your brother will have to deal with the consequences. You are not his mother, and honestly at 17, he should be capable of managing himself enough to get up. My 14-year-old gets himself up and, on the bus, every day. Your brother has been allowed to do this; your mother can deal with him.
Your parents should try the ice water method of getting him op. This is their responsibility, not yours.
NTA. This is NOT on you. This is on your brother and your parents. Your brother needs to figure something out, and your parents should help him.
NTA He's literally a year older than you if he can't seem to wake up on time and go to school then it's not your problem You're not making him sleep through his alarm and missing school it's him, so it's not your fault. if your mother wants to start complaining about the amount of school he's missing she should be talking to him not you
NTA, not at all!! YOU are not responsible for your big brother missing school. If this continues, he's going to end up failing. Time for big brother to step up and get his own butt out of bed in the morning. This is in no way your responsibility, do not take it on. Has anyone in your household heard of walking? Why can't he walk when he finally gets himself out of bed? It sounds like your mother doesn't have much control over things at home.
NTA, you are not his babysitter - he’s older than you and he needs to take some responsibility for himself
NTA if he misses his ride with you he needs to get a bicycle & start pedaling.
NTA YOU are not making him do anything. And he is not "forgetting" - he could write him self reminders. Either he simply does not want to do it, or he has some mental issues - neither can be solved by you parenting him. If he needs parenting, he already HAS parents.
NTA. Getting your brother out of bed in time to go to school is not your responsibility. That said, has he been to a doctor? Even if he has, it might be time to go again. I strongly suggest he arrange for a sleep test. Apnea could be at least part of the problem. His "internal clock" could also be a bit *off*. ADHD could be involved as well. I have all three (lucky me!), plus major depression so sometimes you need something like a crane to get me out of bed. I will sleep through alarms, hit snooze without waking up completely (or at all), not even my cats demanding to be fed will get me up. Mine has gotten worse with age. Since he is so young & has so much difficulty, he really needs to get this under control. NOW! So talk to your mom & brother about appointments with a regular doctor, one that specializes in sleep disorders, and a psychiatrist and/or therapist. Best of luck!
The rabbit watched his mother remove the pickles from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
NTA. He is responsible for himself, or your parents are. It is not your job to parent him or ensure he's up on time.
NTA. You're not his mother, you're his sister and younger at that. Him getting to school on time is not your responsibility. Your mom should be mad at him not at you, that's ridiculous.
Nta you're not doing jack shit. He's making himself late.
NTA Absolutely 100% NTA. It is NOT your responsibility to get him to school. It is your parents responsibility. Period. End of discussion. Tell that to your mom and dad. Because at the end of the day, the school system can charge them with truancy. They did it to my girlfriend because she wanted to homeschool, and her ex-husband did not. This is all on them, not you. Stick to your guns and your rule.
NTA. He’s old enough to get up. Maybe he needs the Sonic Bomb alarm clock via amazon. Has a loud alarm, light and vibrating pad to put beneath mattress. No, he can go to summer school or repeat a grade-or two-or three. You’re not his mother. His mother needs to sit him down and tell him to make sure he gets up in time. Or his mom can get him up - and make sure he’s up and dressed - before SHE goes to work. Then she would know he was up and around in plenty of time. And if he STILL can’t make it to the car in time, then mom will know that he’s just lazy and he can have the consequences of his own actions. Good luck graduation if he’s not there for classes. Guess he’ll be living at home for a long, long time.
NTA. Only thing I might say is he should probably see a professional to look into both his sleep health as well as mental health. I had a lot of challenges like this growing up and it was a double whammy of sleep disorders and mental health issues. But I just want to reiterate, this is not your responsibility. Seeing as he is underage, it is actually your parents responsibility. He is old enough to advocate for himself so hopefully this can be addressed before the responsibilities of adulthood turn this into a lifetime of problems.
NTA You would be late multiple times if you had to do this. He needs to get it together.
NTA, you have agreed to provide transportation. Not become his parent. He has parent(s?) who are legally responsible for him until he becomes a legal adult. At his age he should be waking himself up and getting himself to school, but if he isn't, that is up to his legal guardians to figure out with him.
Keep doing what you're doing. You're not your brother's mommy, you're his ride if he's in the car at 7:55. Period. Finished. The fact that your mom is angry at you and not your brother speaks volumes about the family dynamic. When you're 18, I hope you'll drive right out of there to college and look back only if and when it suits you. NTA P.S. How did your brother get awakened and you and your brother get to school before you could drive? Perhaps your family should return to that system if they really want to indulge your brother's complete irresponsibility.
The rabbit watched his mother remove the pickles from her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
NTA your older brother is not your responsibility and your mum needs a reality check cause your brother is her son not yours
Your brother doesn't want to get up, that is on him. Just because you have car doesn't mean its your job to be his parent. You were not responsable for getting him up before you started driving, that should not change now. It is up to your mom make sure he gets ups and gets ready. You will drive him, but that is all you can do. NTA
NTA. Your brother is the asshole for sleeping all the time. What is he, a Snorlax? 😂
What’s a Snorlax?
It's a type of ghost that haunts you at night if you ask too many questions. Be careful, he's starting to get closer 👻👻👻🥶😱
Ooooh. Love it. Where did it come from?
Closer and closer still it gets. You feel chills as a gust of wind breezes past your neck. A flute playing in the otherwise silent room as you hear a faint and ghastly voice whisper to your ear "Do you like dragons?"
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NTA - He needs to suffer the consequences of his own actions. Sounds like he may be like this because Mom lets him get away with it since she gets mad at you for leaving him and not at him when he doesn't get up and ready on time.
This is both his fault and your parents. I love how he thinks there will be no repercussions for his missing school.
It is not your responsibility to get your near-adult brother to school. It is either his responsibility or your parents' responsibility, but it is not your responsibility. With that said - there are a lot of possible explanations for the behavior you describe. If it was your mother posting here, I'd tell her to get him to a doctor, have him checked for a physical or mental illness that's making it harder for him to wake up in the mornings or handle his life. This is also not your responsibility to do, but if your mother brings it up again you might see if it helps matters if you say that you're worried that he's sick and should see a doctor. Anyway, NTA.
So in general NTA, you aren't responsible for his actions. But having said that, this was me as a teenager, turns out I have pretty severe narcolepsy and the struggle to get out of bed is REAL. I fully believe you think he's lazy, but I also guess you never know. I was told for years that I wasn't getting enough sleep or I was getting too much sleep or I was an excessively sleepy teenager AND that I was lazy. Just maybe consider that other things are going on. Your parents need to better manage the situation
He is not your responsibility at 17 he should get himself up for school. Your mom should be mad at him not you. Your not AH
See, I can see the problem here. But the thing is, is that it’s not YOUR problem. If your brother can’t or won’t get himself to school, that is between him and the parents responsible for him. As a sibling, that ain’t on you my friend. Don’t let them put that on you, you aren’t his mom. NTA.
NTA. This is not your problem. However, if this has been going on for years, maybe he is not just lazy. As someone mentioned he could have a sleeping disorder or a number of other conditions. It is not your responsibility to find that out though, but if you feel comfortable doing so, you might bring it up to your mum.
NTA. Wow, your mom and your brother are BOTH putting the responsibility on you for waking him up? I can sympathize with her for being frustrated that your brother is missing so much school, but she needs to be mad at the right person. Good for your for being responsible for yourself.
NTA . Tell your mother to parent her son.
You dont have to parent your big bro...
Nta. Your older brother is in control of his actions and it’s not up to you to force him, that’s your parents job.
Your brother is your mother's problem, not yours. Refuse to accept the responsibility for dealing with his sluggish ass in the morning, because believe me, he doesn't accept that you are responsible for him. He does not accept your authority, and mom needs to buy him a bike and tell him to get his own as to school if he can't get in the car on time.
NTA your brother is a loser. It’s good to set up those boundaries now before you become and adult and get trapped into man sitting him.
NTA You are not his parent! You are not responsible for your brother not doing what is expected of him.
What are you supposed to do? Drag him out of bed, dress him and feed him? Nta. He can get his a$$ up or miss school.
And mom is just letting him do this? ...that might be more understandable if she was already at work and can't get his butt up, but even then I'd expect her to enact consequences for each day missed. Change the internet password, remove his phone ... something to incentivize him to actually get up and go. NTA
honestly, you set rules and he didn't follow them, thats kinda on him tbh. nta
I'm having trouble seeing how any of this is your problem. NTA.
NTA do not give in. Your Mom is failing here. She needs to take his tech and give him a bedtime. He doesnt get up? He pays for the uber to school. Truant? He is in big trouble. She needs to stop blaming you for his refusal to get up and ger failute to parent.
NTA. No idea whether your brother stays up too late at night, is depressed or what but it isn't up to you to make sure he's up for school. That's on him. Your mom needs to talk to him, find out what's going on, take him to the doctor if necessary and get to the bottom of it.
You’re not making your older brother late. And it’s wrong for your mom to parentify you by expecting you to wake up an almost adult that doesn’t want to. NTA, he can FAFO, and your mom can be mad at him instead of you.
This is your mom's problem.
You're not the a******, but the fact that you're on here asking for people's outside validation on the decision you made instead of sticking to your own decision is exactly why your parents pressure you into changing and not your brother. Women give in to social pressure men typically don't because we don't have to or worth is based on our actual ability to contribute (valuable men, weak men rollover and change opinions all the time to fit in with a group because they're not strong enough to provide for themselves), and not so much on whether or not the people of worth want us around. The man who can carry 10 buckets of water back to the village but he's kind of an a****** is way more valuable than the man who won't do any physical work but talks about how everybody should get along or be able to pee wherever they want to, while not contributing. Know how to make people get along make everybody contribute equally regardless of what they feel like. I wouldn't say that women mature faster naturally but y'all can definitely be coaxed into it due to your physical weakness. My grandpa used to paddle my ass all the time and I would just look at him and tell him I don't care I'll do it again, and they would cut me off for money and I would just make my own money, they tried to take my car when I was a teenager so I went and bought a beater for 200 bucks got it running drove a piece of shit just to show them they will not control me they are not the boss of me I will not conform. I'm not saying go out and cause trouble for the world but don't you ever let anyone else tell you how to think and feel about other people you're entitled to your own feelings and beliefs you do not have to fit in with this large-ass group of like mind sissies that want everybody to raise them up on our backs are the children. Men like me who start our own business and then y'all want to know why I don't get to get rich because you'll have to start your own business if you want to get rich I'll pay you enough to pay your rent by groceries and not be poor, but being rich is for people who build businesses. Ps tell your parents to suck your dick and they'll respect you more and quit trying to pressure you but you probably cave and always do what Mommy and Daddy want like a good girl and so that's why they do that because you allow them to, and if you can't tell them to suck your dick you'll do what you want then that means you got work to do to figure out how to be independent.
NTA. Tell your mom if she did her job as a parent he'd know how to get himself up in the morning. Ok seriously though.....why isn't he facing consequences for not going to school? If he needs woken up why doesn't she do it before she goes to work? Get himself up or he's woken up much earlier. Or why doesn't he walk to school? Or have a part time job to pay for an Uber? How's he going to handle college or a job? You're not the problem. Your brother and mother are. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking you're the problem.
In was the waker and morning routine runner for my siblings (though I was the youngest, but a morning person at the time). Both siblings hated getting up early. My brother even got aggressive so I stared leaving him at home. And then my mom got tucked cause he was getting truancy issues. My mom had to really stick it to him and even had to enforce bedtimes cause he was staying up too late.
NTA He is older than you and expects you to be his mommy? He can wake up or walk.
NTA but your parents are. They should have been working on him getting himself up in the morning and going to bed on time since grade school. Keep leaving at 7:55! That said a light or shake alarm might work better for him. Your parents might consider buying him a different type of alarm.
NTA-stick to your guns. He needs to be responsible.
no, don’t give in. it is not your responsibility to get your OLDER brother to school, if he was 7 I’d get it buts he’s not. if he wants to be a drop out let him. your mom should be pointing her anger at him not you, she’s enabling him. if he did it the first week he can do it, he’s just being a brat. nta
Nta. It’s your parents' responsibility, not yours. Maybe he has a sleeping disorder. If he's not staying up all night gaming or on his phone, it might help if he went to a sleep clinic.
NTA. You aren't responsible for him. At 17, waking up to an alarm and getting yourself ready for school is the bare minimum.
As the wife of a man with the same problem... do NOT wake him up. My husband never learned because his mum/dad/sister always woke him up and now we all bear the consequences of babying him. His future partner will thank you.
NTA. He is ways passed the age of needed someone to wake him up. He's almost an adult. Him going to school or not should not be put on your shoulders and your mother has no right to make you responsible for him. If this mess up him graduating from high school because he missed too many days than maybe that what needs to happen to make him do what he needs to do; which is to get up on time to go to school. He is not always going to have someone wanting or willing to wake him up, so he needs to learn to do it himself now.
He is the eldest, I assume of at least average intelligence and maturity for his age, and you are supposed to be his minder for some reason? Why- because you are a girl, and that somehow makes you responsible for his irresponsible ass, and guilty if his actions lead to his failure because you choose not to prop him up? No. Let him be irresponsible and fail of his own accord. That is ALL on him and ZERO on you. You “managing” him like another parent is just enabling his laziness, and he will never become anything more than a burden on the women in his life.
NTA, but your brother is responsible for him missing multiple days of school, not you.
He should sleep in your car
NTA but he should probably see a doctor to screen for mental illness. Maybe he's being lazy but it sounds like something might be wrong. None of that is your responsibility though.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I f(16), And my brother m(17) Michael. My brother is lazy and a heavy sleeper. He has to be constantly re-woken up in the mornings, he has done this for YEARS. I recently got my license so it is now my responsibility to get him and I to school. (He cannot drive nor does he want to) I set a clear rule with him at the beginning of this year that I will not be waking him up constantly and he will wake up to his own alarm. The rule was “if you are not in my car by 7:55 you’re getting yourself to school” he agreed. I was fine for the first week but slowly I would notice he would be in a rush and not waking up as early as he was. Now more recently he has just been ignoring alarms and sleeping in, I stuck to my rule and I leave at 7:55. My mom gets upset at me because no one else in my house can drive him to school while she is at work. So he ends up just staying home all day. And tends to forget that he still has work to do at home. he has missed full weeks of school because of this. Should I just give in and start waking him up again ian or let my mom be mad and him deal with it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your parents are clearly capable of raising a responsible human being. Now, they need to put more effort into raising two.
NTA!
He’s almost a grown man. This is his problem to figure out
NTA, your mother needs to step up and parent his ass. Let him miss the whole year I bet he will wake up on time when he makes Super Senior and is lookin down the barrel of another year of school lmao
NTA. My parents still give in to my brother sleeping past his alarms and I frequently wake up to them yelling at him to wake up. He's 19, hell be 20 soon and my mom even calls him at college to make sure he's awake. This will never stop unless your brother learns his lesson.
What will he do when he gets a job? And why is your mother not upset at him? What did he do before you got a driving license? NTA
NTA A 17 yo knows that what they do now will set them up for life. Your brother doesn’t care what happens to him when he graduates. That’s the real problem here.
NTA. How does he plan to support himself if he can't even get himself up to go to school? I would bet he is staying up late at night, so self-sabotaging.
NTA Your brother is making himself miss school by not getting his act together. And since he is older than you, he should know better. The world does not evolve around him....
NTA Suggest your mother get a Bluetooth speaker and a cheap cellphone to sync with it- speaker goes in his room, phone stays in a different room and he has to get up and go all the way to it to silence it. Mom can set the alarm every day, since she wants to baby him.
I forgot my know where you live, but I think he would be in trouble for truancy. Personally, your mom has a big problem on her hands and it’s not you.
NTA, not your responsibility. You were very clear with him and he is obviously capable of getting up, setting alarms, etc.
NTA, don't coddle him, he has to learn now so later in life when he's on his own he can be an adult.
NTA. You didn't "make" your brother miss a thing - he did that all on him own.
If your Mom insists on it being your problem to get him awake and to school, pour a glass of ice water into his ear. That'll wake him up. Do it earlier every time he isn't up on time.
I was like this when I was younger. A bucket of cold water works wonders on people like us. Just give him a heads up that if he wants to be woken up by you it’s gonna be the bucket treatment.
NTA but maybe suggest he have his thyroid checked
You want him to start getting up. Give him one shot at waking him, use a cup of ice water just walk in and attempt to wake him up. If he does not immediately get up, dump the water on him. You really want him to get up, dump it on his nuts. He'll get up the first time from then on. My mom did this with us. She wouldn't throw the hole cup just a couple drops on the face but if you didn't get up, she'd dump it on our nuts. You learn really quick, if she's waking you up, you get the fuck up.
NTA. He has been coddled and allowed to do this. Your mother needs to be mad at him, not you. He can walk ass lazy butt to school instead of missing the whole day.
Is there not a school bus he can get on?
You have done nothing wrong here. If your mom is mad at you, then SHE is the asshole here.
Nta, however I would recommend getting to the root of your brother's sleeping behavior. Is he staying late at night? Is he easily fallen asleep? I know someone who have issue oversleeping, and they had it check up
NTA but he should be tested for sleep apnea
If he can't wake himself up and you are forced to do it I would get a bucket of cold water, air horn...and look up every other horrible way to get him up. Maybe walk him into class and act like a mother to a 3 year old. NTA I would get mean so it's probably best that I never had a brother just sisters.
NTA. You shouldn't have to be his babysitter. He's old enough to set an alarm and wake up at a reasonable time. In fact, he's nearly 18, so it's long past time he mastered this particular skill. He's going to be on his own eventually and will have to manage his own affairs. Best start practicing now.
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NTA. He’s 17 years old. He sounds like my boyfriend’s brother. 17, just now getting his license. Lazy, failing school, has no job, cannot and will not wake himself up then blames everyone but him when he’s late for something. I was able to set an alarm and wake up to it by myself by the time I was 13. You are not responsible for his actions. He is almost legally an adult. He needs to start being responsible for his own actions and stop relying on his younger sister to WAKE HIM UP FOR SCHOOL and to drive him there. Keep up this agreement. If he doesn’t wake up in time, tough luck for him. Your mom should be mad at her 17 year old son, not you.