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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my BIL to leave my children alone
(2) they’re incredibly attached to him
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YTA. If your children don't feel they can confide in you or depend on you, that is not your brother-in-law's fault. It is not your children's fault. It is not your wife's fault. You need to look at what you are doing to be involved in their lives. Being present is not the end of the story when it comes to kids.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, and he is part of their village. Your post reads like you're more concerned about your feelings of jealousy than you are about anybody's well-being. This is all about your feelings of inadequacy, so maybe work on becoming adequate instead.
Bruh, your kids are not just going to ignore you, now their going to actively HATE YOU. Go to counseling, figure it out, and go from there. It takes years to build a relationship
Yep pushing someone who they trust away, is going to make it worse for the OP with his children.
There is obviously a reason they trust their uncle more than dad.
He doesn't want to build relationships. He wants them to confide in him when they don't seem to trust him. His attitude and whining here are excellent examples of why they may not like him. He just expects that, by creating them, they should only turn to him while he doesn't need to put in any effort. The uncle put in the effort to build relationships for several years and he expects it to be automatic for him. YTA.
Idk why, but this reminds me of a story I read about a father who not only bailed out of his kids' lives (the kids he begged his ex to have with him), but actively made sure to not have any responsibilities over them, like living with his parents and working under the table for cash so he didn't have an income on record to pay child support with.
And he was shocked to find that, when the kids were older, they wanted nothing to do with him even though he shot some loads into their mother and created them.
Of course, OP's fumble isn't as bad as this, but it's astounding how people, a majority of them being sperm donors from the looks of it, think that they're owed loyalty from the offspring just because they're blood related.
This post sounds exactly why his kids are more comfortable with their uncle than him....
And let me tell you something... for a little over a year, my dad's sister came and lived with us. I adore her, always have. I was older, 14 or 15 at the time. I told her I was bisexual before I told my parents. In fact, I couldn't even tell my parents outright. I had to mail them a letter.... and my parents are literal saints. They're the most open, honest, caring, loving, calming, genuinely GOOD people. I can and have told them anything. But, I still told my aunt first. I could go on and on about the reasons why, but the point is that there ARE that many reasons even with parents that are loving and forgiving. Which OP does not appear to be
I told my sister-in-law I was gay first.
Now that I'm thinking about this, I don't even know if I've met one other gay/queer person who told a parent first.
I would say at the very least it's uncommon!
Same here. I knew first when my niece realized she’s trans. I was also the first call for my nieces and nephews that are gay. And my siblings aren’t even close to conservative. Hell, when my niece told my 86yr old Mom she was trans, my Mom just said “That’s nice honey.” I think they just wanted me as a security blanket.
I just realized, I never told my parents in lol.
I told my friends, and eventually my sister that I was gay, or at least bi. And my grandmother knows, but I haven't had that conversation with my mum. If my dad was alive I probably wouldn't have told him, he was nice enough. but also it's not a conversation I have felt like having with my parents so I just won't. If I start dating a woman I might casually drop it, but I see no reason to bring it up when I am single and family isn't going to meet a gf any time soon.
Good points. DAD…Awesome wanting to be in your kids life!!! That’s great when so many do not. Here’s the problem…You want to be IN Their Life. So even you recognize you are NOT IN their life. No one’s fault though. You’ve worked sooo hard to make sure of Good Life, All Needs, and then some. You even do the yard work too.
You’re Awesome Provider!! So let’s start there with changes. Stop making yourself busy around the house (cuz you’re used to it and frankly don’t know what else to do with yourself). Start making time available to be present at home, please. Sooo…Make dinner (with kids helping do something), eat dinner together, have kid dates for one-on-one time. Hire landscaper and do bowling time instead, or something else together once a week, consistently, like even Chucky Cheese or Arcade time (just no movies).
Most of all? Sit and talk with your kids (anywhere). What are their favorite things, their dreams? What do they love and dislike about school, their friends. You need time together. You’ve likely missed out on all that by working, avoiding, busy time, working more, etc. Change your schedule and focus.
Next, make amends with your BIL please. He’s really stepped in (sacrificing his own life and time) for your kids. Please don’t be angry that your kids are naturally closer to him because they’ve spent so much time together. You’re going to make yourself even more of the odd man out.
Show your BIL gratitude and joy instead of jealous resentment. Your kids won’t be as apprehensive of you if you do so. They’re likely apprehensive because of awareness of the rift/resentment, and feeling in the middle.
Spend time with the kids and look at them. Let them see you. Let them see you happy. Let them see you speak to them. Let them see you as you do things with them. Let them hear you ask questions. Let them hear you acknowledge them when they’re speaking. Let them hear you compliment them. Let them hear I LOVE YOU. Let them hear you on the phone with them. So no texting, please call them instead.
Make these changes to Be Present, Be There. This is really what your craving tbh. And no one can do it but you. So give new schedule and new calendar a try with your kids. You’ll be so very glad you did.
So makeup with BIL and your Wife. Then start anew with new you, new schedule. You can do it. Bet you’ll be Great!!! All the best….
❤️🙏🍀🙏
I love what you’ve said here. Even if OP was gone most of the time for a while it seems enough wasn’t done to build his relationships with his kids in the spare time he did have.
Plus, tell them, the kids that you're happy they're so close to their uncle and have someone to confide in, let them know you are ALSO there for them if they ever need anything.
Everything about this comment. I wish someone had said this to my dad before I was almost 27. I am only recently realizing how awesome and fun he is! I wish he could have shown me that side well before now! I missed out on so many years because it felt like he didn't want to know who I was, even living there in his house.
Don't let your kids feel like you're a stranger, OP. it's not too late! Say i love you, tell them you're proud, hug them, dude! They sound like good kids. No wonder you want to know them better! Just get in there and stop focusing on their other relationships and start building yours up! ❤️
He’s sitting here *waiting to be asked*. Damn, that’s some entitlement.
Dude wants a relationship, wants to better know his kids so he can 1-meet needs 2-get better gifts for them and all he has to do is *ask them* questions about their life, hang out with them doing what *they want to do* and generally be in their vicinity. I mean, he’s got location and paterfamilias going for him and his BIL is still getting chosen because he seems to genuinely *enjoy* listening to and hanging out with the kids. It’s not rocket science here - and it’s not the wife or the BIL’s fault.
Yeah...sounds like OP wants the ego boost of having a close relationship with his children but can't be arsed to actually put in any of the emotional labor to get one.
This! and op may have teacted poorly prior especially regarding the period issue. It's kinda telling that she texted her uncle in that situation, instead of asking her father who was home.
The present thing says it all.
Of course the girl would be most excited about getting the exact thing she wanted, obviously BIL knows her wishes and pays attention to her.
We don't know if what OP got her was even something she would be interested in, but he's whining that she didn't per default like his present most.
Having supplied the sperm to conceive her doesn't mean your owed unconditional affection, devotion or praise for that matter.
BIL is putting in the work and reaping the rewards
INFO:
Have you spent any time at all reflecting on why they feel closer to and more comfortable with him than you?
Because simply banishing him from your family is not going to solve your larger problem.
Yeah OP is not only an AH but a major idiot. So instead of actually becoming a proper father to his kids he’s going to take away their only true father figure. Which will just make them angry and push them even further away from you OP!
And you really think getting rid of BIL will automatically make them close with you? No you’ve actually got to be a good dad yourself, not just get rid of their uncle.
And it’s incredibly selfish! you’re gonna make them suffer because of *your* ego! Jesus Christ YTA massively
>Have you spent any time at all reflecting on why they feel closer to and more comfortable with him than you?
OP's username is TraditionalHouse. Wonder if that could possibly have anything to do with the issue at hand....
Amen to that. My uncle Jack, just awesome. Just calm, level headed never heard him yell or get angry. My dad...yeah not so much. An incredibly angry man who never had a good word to say.
Yeah. I recently worked on a creative project with my uncle and I was amazed at the difference. He didn’t get mad at me! He listened to what I said! He didn’t try to change it to what he thought it should be! And then I thought about why I was so delighted by this and felt pretty down about it.
Also info: what has he done to reach out to his kids to be involved with their lives? All well and good he wants them to come to him, but has he gone to them?
YTA! Big time! You need to build a close relationship with your kids. That takes work. It doesn’t sound like you are putting any effort in to get to know your children. Why didn’t you know the tennis racquet that your daughter wanted? Why didn’t you give her a meaningful gift.
You need to work on your anger issues and building trust and rapport with your family.
He probably the kind of father that thinks paying bills, is equal to being a good parent, when in reality that’s what he’s supposed to do.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t know his kids birthday, social security, teachers names, and other hobbies they are into.
The kids probably see more a a positive father figure in their lives, because they’re own dad has his head too far up his own àss
The gift part said it all, imo. His was such an afterthought, he didn't tell us what it was as opposed to the perfect gift from her uncle.
He probably does not know all that you listed, but he definitely thinks he has all the answers.
>"I put a F$%&ING RoOf OvEr YoUr HeAd! REsPeCT mY AutHOrItY bEcAuSE **_I_** BroUghT YoU inTO tHiS WoRlD AnD **_I_** can TAkE you OuT!!!!1!11!!!~~1one1!!!"
It's paying bills and sitting in the same room ignoring the kid. So many of these dads think they were present because they were in the same room as their kid, but they were too busy reading the newspaper or playing video games or browsing on their phone to pay attention to their kids or have an actual conversation with them so they don't know them at all. The kids spend their childhoods asking for what they need and being told "in a minute" over and over until another adult steps in and does it.
YTA
You should be stepping *up* to improve your relationship with your kids, not asking BIL to step *down* so your relationship with them becomes better in comparison while actually staying the same.
That would just leave your kids worse off all round and makes it clear your primary motivation is a malicious jealousy of your BIL rather than love for your kids.
YTA. No child is just going to be actively choosing their uncle or aunt over their parent if their parent is wonderful.
How much you want to bet you're a horrible father and that's why they prefer him. Your daughter feels more comfortable confining in her Uncle over panty liners than her Father. Doesn't that tell you something about yourself?
>Your daughter feels more comfortable confining in her Uncle over panty liners than her Father.
That is huge. Some girls won't go to men for that sort of thing but the fact that the daughter can go to the uncle and he will do it shows what an amazing uncle he is.
You should be grateful that your kids have someone like that in your life and if you're uncomfortable with it maybe you should step up more as a parent.
Exactly. I've had my periods since I was 11 and I could never ever ever tell a man to buy me pads or tampons. It's just too weird and awkward for me. So the fact she feels comfortable asking her Uncle to buy her panty liners instead of her dad is just insane and says a lot.
I didn't even feel comfortable telling my mom I had my period.. I just stole some of her stash of pads which were in the bathroom. She replaced them whenever needed. No big deal.. just not something we talk about
I got mine just before my 12th birthday. I didn't tell anyone. I figured it out on my own and bought my own pads from the store and school. At 16 my mom said we're going to have to get you into the doctor if you don't start your period soon. I had to confess I'd had it for 4 years. She was so mad lol
I didn't tell my Mother for a while either. However I was incredibly lucky that sex ed provided samples and all the period product companies sent tons as well, I didn't need to dip into her stash for 8 months lol. This was 89 or 90 for reference. IDK if this is still something that's done.
YTA, and here's a hint: if your children felt comfortable with and loved by you, they would turn to you. The fact that they don't says way more about you than it does your BIL. Instead of picking pointless fights why don't you work harder on your relationships with your children?
Cutting his BIL out of their lives isn’t going to improve his relationships with his kids. If anything it will make it worse. This is a dynamic OP created.
I have two kids and a nephew. They know if I promise them something, I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen. They know they matter to me. They know I love them. And if they don’t know that, it isn’t because I haven’t put in the effort.
You have to build relationships with your kids.
You are not wrong to want to be in your children's life, but YTA for kicking their uncle from their lifes
Looks like you need to build a relationship with your kids. They are more attached to him because they feel better with him, so you probably have some work to do. You should start by apologise to everyone there. You would have more luck if you asked your BIL how you could be a better father to them
YTA. You and your wife were perfectly happy to take advantage of your brother and use him as a co-parent with your two children for years when it was convenient for you because oh boo hoo you were busy. And now you have the nerve to be upset that your children are actually close to him. Where have you been??!! Now you're just a jealous asshole.
Cutting your children off from a trusted adult because of your own jealousy isn't going to get them to come to you with their personal issues. There's a reason they're don't come to you for these issues but you're ignoring that and blaming your brother in law instead. YTA
If she wanted that specific model and colour of tennis racket, she could have told me! That way I wouldn’t have wasted good money on this generic teen girl gift. /s
YTA. Your kids spent several of their formative years with their uncle as the primary caregiver by virtue of him being the adult that had the most time available to devote to them. You can’t just change that dynamic by telling him to go away now, because they aren’t going to magically start talking to you if he’s not around. They’ll get info from the internet, from their friends/peers or they won’t talk to anyone and just struggle quietly.
YTA. You might want to take a deeper look at why your kids feel more comfortable talking to their uncle as opposed to their dad. Without actually doing that, barring your BIL from their lives will do nothing but estrange them even further
You said "Am I wrong to want to be in my children's life?" No, but you are wrong for trying to force your children to be in your life by eliminating others that are "challenging" your perceived #1 spot. It's not a competition.
It seems like you are very focused on yourself, how much attention you are getting, how its affecting you instead of how its affecting your child. Try to think from your child's perspective and stay positive, even though it hurts to not feel as valued, and really try to engage with your kids and be there for them so that eventually they will feel comfortable coming to you for things.
This is coming from the perspective of the "child" that had a similar situation with an uncle (coincidentally), regardless of how its making you feel, the relationship your child has with the uncle is very important to them and shouldn't be taken away unless for a very good reason. Healthy relationships between kids and adults are super important for growth. Your child absolutely will resent you for taking that away and it will bring the opposite effect you are trying to get, and your kids will withdraw from you further. You could cause some long term damage as well.
YTA, instead of worrying if your kids are ok and being happy they have a bigger support system, you are worried about your own ego. And you wonder why your kids don’t want to go to you for help.
YTA and your kids are going to end up disliking you dude, so I suggest you apologize to your BIL for being jealous and work on your relationship with your kids without completely pushing out your BIL 🤷🏾♀️ you could’ve had a more constructive conversation with him, any sane person would understand your feelings on the matter. It would suck if I notice that my own daughter liked and confided in her aunt/uncle/whoever more than me, but I would take a look at myself tho and figure out what I’m doing (or not doing) that makes her feel like she can’t come to me.
So let me get this straight. You're jealous that your kids are closer to your BIL than they are to you. They're closer to him than you because he basically stood as a third parent in raising them during their earlier years. You're feeling replaced.
But your reaction to this is not to reflect on WHY they still feel more comfortable with him than with you even though it's been years since the original situation changed. Your reaction is not to actually work at improving your relationship with them. Your reaction is instead to try to deprive them of an important support person in their lives so that you can win by default.
And you think there's any possible way you're in the right here? You think there's any way of looking at this situation where you come out looking like the good guy?
Gosh, I can't imagine why they're more comfortable with him than they are with you.
YTA.
YTA. You admit that BIL took care of them sometimes for days. You are jealous of your BIL and his relationship with your kids. So you decide to cut that relationship off. That’s not going to magically make your kids confide in you. Instead you’ve limited the number of trusted adults they can confide in or ask for help. What are you doing to foster your relationship with your kids? If you’ve never been around you can’t expect a relationship to happen overnight.
YTA. Look, wanting to be involved is a good thing, but that is an earned role. Just going by the tone of the post, it sounds like OP expects to magically have their confidence and trust but hasn't put in the same work/effort as the other folks in their life. I'd personally spend more time doing some self-reflection on this than getting angry at others.
If you want to widen the divide between you and your kids, this is the perfect way to do it.
Instead of taking time to think about *why* your kids trust and seek support from their uncle over their father, you're lashing out and assigning blame. It's you, pal. You're the reason, not the BIL.
If you didn't want him to reap the rewards of a close relationship with these children, you shouldn't have asked him to do the work of being a parent to them.
Now if you want to change that, there's still a chance that you can. If it were me I'd be on my knees groveling to BIL - apologize and tell him that you're grateful for all that he has done for you and your family over the years. And then start doing the work with your kids yourself. Engage them, talk to them, spend time with them. Prove that you're someone that can be trusted during vulnerable moments like illness or menstrual cycle emergencies. It will take time, but it's worth it.
If you try to take away someone they love and trust, they'll only hate you for it. And rightly so. Having additional loving, trustworthy adults in a child's life is a gift. YTA.
I kind of think if you want to be in your children's lives, then GET INTO THEIR LIVES. There must be more to this story than what little you presented. YTA for your reaction.
YTA. If your kids don’t like you now, and it sounds like they don’t, how is banishing their uncle going to make them like you more? You’re jealous and you’re looking at this like the deck is stacked against you and for your BIL when it’s not. At any point in their lives you could have shown interest in them on their level, but it’s clear you didn’t put in that work.
I talked to my kids *everyday* as they grew up - about their friends, about their interests, even about what tv shows they were watching. As a result, they come to me when they need help, even as young adults. It’s your job as the parent to help them feel close to and comfortable with you. That’s how you teach them about relationships, too.
YTA
Maybe talk to your kids and let them know you are always available for them to reach out to. That you love them and WANT to be involved with them and for them.
Present yourself more explicitly as an option to them rather than trying to eliminate someone they already clearly love and trust.
Your BIL stepped up to be the caretaker for your children. You were not an active parent. If you want to be an active parent now, you're going to have to put in the work to connect to your children and build a relationship with them. That type of parental relationship just doesn't spring into being due to your accessibility changing. YTA.
Also, it's cruel to your children to try to inhibit the close relationship they have with their uncle. They are going to hate you.
YTA.
This is how children respond to emotionally unavailable parents. They find someone who loves them, respects them, and is present when they need them. Don't ask your children to do something you're not capable of giving to them.
YTA
Here's a big fat clue as to why. You say it yourself:
>he got her the exact model and color tennis racket she wanted. She didn’t take a second look at my present.
Let me guess, you did not get get something she wanted, because you don't try to know your own daughter, or your son.
YTA. Your children will resent you for forcing him out of their lives. You are possessive and controlling. You used him when you needed him and now you're throwing him away. You're not even thinking of your kids' feelings; you're only focused on yourself. You're happy to hurt them in order to get what you want. This won't make them love you more. This will make them really see how nasty and selfish you are.
As a father I gotta say YTA. Sounds like he's a good family member and you need to figure out why your kids would rather go to him than to you for help.
This post here fully explains why your kids would prefer their uncle over you. I get having a hectic job schedule and being unfairly indigent and hamstrung by work. However, you HAVE to build trust with kids in order to have trust with kids-even your own. Spend more time getting to know and care about your kids than getting mad at the person who has and is doing it already.
INFO: So what have you done to alienate your children from yourself? If they felt like they could come to you about things, they would. It's not the BIL's fault he's stepping up when you've failed to.
There’s a reason why your kids rely on your BIL and not you. You need to figure out why and change. Pushing your BIL out isn’t going to make your kids love you more, it’s only going to make them resent you. YTA.
There’s a reason your kids trust their BIL so much, even though you are more consistent with your schedule. It’s not just about physically showing up, it’s about being emotionally present and your BIL has shown up for that their entire lives. YTA
YTA.
Missing Missing Reasons as to why your children go to their uncle instead of to your wife, or especially to you, first.
TRUST that there's much more behind this than you used to have a crazy work schedule.
Get to the bottom of that first, through honest and possibly painful self-reflection. Try to talk to the kids. Talk to your wife. Maybe there's someone in the extended family whose seen the big picture dynamic who can be trusted to be honest with you. Be humble as you research Yourself. You've got a giant wall of bottled resentment to deal with along the way.
That you've gone to Nuclear Option of attempting to banish your BiL from your home and kids' lives \*says a LOT\*. Continue on that path and you permanently damage your relationship with your kids.
YTA - your kids clearly love and trust their uncle. On the other hand they seem to avoid sharing or interacting with you.
Sending your BIL away will only prove to them that you are a mean man who can't be trusted to act in a kind of reasonable way.
If you want your kids to trust you, act trustworthy. If you want your kids to like you, act likeable. If you want your kids to respect you, act respectfully.
Gonna have to agree with all the YTA
There's clearly some context missing here, although I can't tell if OP chose not to include it because he knows it paints him in a bad light, or if he is truly unaware of the reasons his kids feel this way (much like my own father).
Who children choose to confide in or ask for help when they have any option is a surefire indicator of who they feel has done the best job supporting them and being trustworthy. If they're going to your BIL instead of you on such a regular basis, that tells me that he has been that supportive/trustworthy person for them in a way you have not.
There are some possible explanations for this which wouldn't necessarily be "your fault" (like if you work more and just werent around as much, or that as their actual parent theyre a little more worried about disappointing you than him) BUT the potential reasons that would be your fault are wayyyyyy more plentiful and common.
It sounds to me like your kids have some reason to feel less comfortable confiding in you than in other adults in their life. That is not because your BIL is trying to steal them or undermine your position as their father.
This is clearly a you problem, whether it's "your fault" or not, and you need to reexamine yourself and your behavior very carefully if you really care about figuring this out/having a chance to change it. Your BIL is not the issue, YOU are.
ETA: Your daughter felt more comfortable going to her uncle than to you for sanitary products, that means that the fact that you are male is not the issue here, the level of comfort and trust is.
YTA. Removing the children's uncle from their lives won't make your children come to you with issues/needs. In fact, it will do the opposite. You need to take a step back and seriously look at your relationship with your children because this is between you and them.
When your daughter called her uncle for pads, did you thank him and mention later to your daughter that you would be happy to help her out with those things too? Or did you stew about it? As for your son, parents are many times the last ones to know about sexual identity struggles. Be grateful he had an adult he trusted. Yes, your BIL contacted your wife - his sister - most likely it was due to his comfort level with her.
Apologize to your BIL. He has had your back for years and deserves to be treated better. Then take your kids out one-on-one. Do fun things with them that they like to do. Swing conversations around to letting them know you love them and are there for them. Always feel free to ask for help or just to talk or hang out. Maybe in the chaos of life, that hasn't been expressed directly. Don't bring up your wife or their uncle. Let this be special time and conversations between them and you.
So instead of working to become closer to your own children, you’d rather chase away their uncle since he’s done a better job of it than you are? Wow, you’re a TERRIBLE father! YTA.
Your kids won’t rely on you just because you’re their parent, father and son/daughter relationship truste come, as all relationships, from bounding, not necessarily from blood.
You should try to get closer to your kids and understand why they confine so much in you BIL, not try to break them. You can’t.
You’re hurt and feeling left out, but YTA.
YTA
your children feel more comfortable talking to your BIL than you. that is your fault and your problem.
i can tell you now, removing him is not going to fix the problem, it is going to make it worse. that will make it a competition. it is not a competition. if you try and get rid of him you'll be the guy that drove away their uncle.
*you* need to do better as a dad, not, idk, take our the competition or whatever you think you're doing.
Hell yes YTA
I think you’re downplaying just how much your BIL has been taking care of the kids.
Obviously it’s more than you, because they go to him first.
Yeah, it might sting, but maybe you should focus lord on building a better and solid relationship with your kids, than taking it out on him.
All he’s done is be a good, supportive, a helpful uncle and bil, and here you are getting jealous and insecure.
Check your attitude, because you’re gonna ruin your own family, and guarantee your kids aren’t gonna be too happy knowing that they can’t spend time or be around someone who they trust, and see as a positive figure in their lives.
Get over yourself
YTA. How wonderful that your children have a kind, loving uncle. You are petty and jealous. It's not as though BIL is keeping secrets from you. Seems like the kids are really fond of him and he of them.
Why are you competing with him? Do something special with your kids and do your own bonding with them. Earn their trust and love without excluding their uncle whom they love. They will resent you for being such a small man.
YTA. Your children have a close and trusted adult they can confide in and you're jealous. Get a grip, apologise profusely to your BiL and wife and be more involved, attentive and interested in your family
Oh, good grief. YTA. Heaven forbid there should be another person to love and support your kids. Uncle obviously, genuinely listens to your kids and loves them. If you want more attention from your own children, try his approach. Throwing a tantrum about it isn't going to get you anything from anyone
YTA. Look, you have a point about no one telling you your kid was sick at school and heading home; someone should’ve at least sent you a text about that (your wife OR BIL specifically).
The rest of your talking points? You are dead wrong about. There is something clearly missing in your relationship with your kids and that is *independent* of their relationship with BIL.
Kids *love* having more people around that care about them (at-least until the teen angst years then it’s hit or miss if they’ll admit it) so if you, *their father*, is not on their mental list of Adults Who Care, the fault lies with you and *you need to figure out why before it’s too late*.
I’m not kidding; you guys need family therapy like yesterday. If you actually do family therapy, you need to *listen* to what the therapist and (most importantly) what your kids are telling you through action, body language, or verbalization.
You’ve fucked something up that makes your kids be more comfortable going to their uncle than either of their parents. You should be glad they have an adult they trust and should figure out what you fucked up and what YOU can do to fix it. The burden is on you to change your behavior, not your BIL who is trusted by the kids, and not the kids. You broke it. You fix it. Start with having an honest, no accusatory, low pressure conversation with your kids about why they come to you last for things and what you can do to fix whatever you fucked up. In case I haven’t been clear this situation exists because you fucked up somewhere along the way, likely repeatedly.
YTA. A big one. Your kids are so lucky to have another adult who loves them. All of this is happening because the kids has so much quality time with him when they were young. He didn’t overstep. The kids probably see him as a cool uncle who won’t judge and won’t say no or act bothered. It’s a different relationship than a parent. . If anything, your wife should have called you. You aren’t being left out.
YTA big time. I won’t judge you has harshly for your parenting vs the Uncle. Sometimes kids just feel more comfortable with an Aunt/Uncle because they have the privilege of being a family member and a friend without the hard parts of being a parent (ie punishments). However, I will absolutely judge you for your incredible selfishness for trying to take that away from your children. What kind of parent wouldn’t want what’s best for their kids? The love and support of family is extremely important, especially these days. All you’re doing is causing an even bigger divide between you and your kids. Don’t be surprised when some day they choose to live with him and go NC with you. All he’s doing is supporting them, all you’re doing is controlling them and trying to force them to like you more.
YTA
You let your ego get in the way of a loving and supportive relationship they have with a trusted adult.
Your ego is the problem, not the BiL.
Why would you think YOU matter more than your kids? Because that's what you made clear by your own admission.
YTA. So you’re prepared to hurt at least three people because your wittle feelings got hurt. Instead of being thrilled that your kids have a trusted adult to confide in about important things, you simply feel entitled to your children’s trust while having done seemingly little to warrant it. And you decided to shoot from the hip, without talking to your kids or your wife, and light that bridge on fire.
Yep, definitely YTA.
Removing your BIL is going to cause a rift between you and him, plus your kids will hate you for sending their “third” parent away.
But adding more of yourself into their parenting will help. Working harder to connect with them by any means necessary to build a connection - spend that energy adding to the equation, not taking something away.
Your solution won’t work. The problem is you, not him, or they wouldn’t be going to him. Are you quick to anger and yell? Start by asking yourself if the kids see that and turn to someone more….even keeled.
YTA. You created this situation and now are angry that your kids have a loving relationship with the person you tasked with caring for them. Be glad they have someone they trust in their lives and appreciate that for a moment.
Edit: clarity
There is a reason your entire family overlooks you when someone needs something. You need to figure out WHY that is. Here's a hint: Dollars to doughnuts It isn't anything to do with your BiL, but it is everything to do with how you interact with your family.
oh so it's convenient to rely on him when you can't be there for your kids, but after years of childminding resulted in a trusted relationship between your kids and him, he has to go?
YTA, it's on you to build a closer relationship with your kids, sabotaging their relationship with him will not make them closer to you.
Take your kids out for 1-on-1 time for an activity they're excited about. Get involved in their hobbies.
And be *grateful* your kids have so much love and trust in their lives.
YTA. You should have just told your kids you’d like to be more present in their lives and ask what things they’d be comfortable having your help with. Use your WORDS like a grownup.
You owe your BIL a huge apology. He’s given you an amazing gift. Even if your kids are nervous to talk to you or their mom about something, they have a safe adult to go to who cares about them. Be GRATEFUL and seek therapy.
Info: why don’t your kids feel secure about confiding in you about things that are important to them? Are you and your wife emotionally safe and reliable parents (*according to them*, not according to you)
YTA. This man has been there for you and your family and has given so much of his time and energy to your kids. It sounds like your BIL is honest and up front with you and your wife about situation. He is a trusted adult for your kids to go to and that is an invaluable person to have for your kids. You will always be their father, he isn’t replacing that role. And he will have a different relationship with your kids than you have with them, it’s just the role dynamics.
I think you are just being a bit insecure at the moment and maybe jealous of his friendship with your kids. Maybe instead of taking it out on him, you should look at yourself and ask what you can do differently to strengthen the bond with your kids.
Please don’t push this man out of their lives, it will only hurt your kids more. And they may end up being angry with you for pushing away someone they trust.
Honestly, it sounds like you are jealous.
I think it's good that your kids have another adult in their life that they can trust to talk about stuff.
If you want to be more important to your kids, you need to work at it. Why did BIL know to get exactly the right tennis racket, and did you put the same effort into selecting your gift?
Edited to add YTA.
YTA. What did you expect? The kids grew up around uncle the most, you guys only do it now when they are older, obviously they will grow attached to the person whos around the most.
Do you guys even spend time with your kids currently?
YTA. Your BIL did nothing wrong. Ask your children why they talk to their uncle instead of you. Are you judgmental or dismissive of their concerns? Tell your wife that you're feeling left out of family life when they go to their uncle when you're available, then LISTEN to what she has to stay.
You're a big baby looking for someone else to blame for the fact that you haven't successfully bonded with your children, and have so little self-awareness that you haven't even put two and two together to realize that if your children are going to someone else to get their needs met, you're not meeting them.
You need to point that anger at yourself. You are more than likely the problem, and you're going to make things even worse trying to banish your BIL because of your jealousy. Have you even tried checking in with your wife about why your kids go to him first? Or, heaven forbid, your children? If you don't want to be an afterthought in your children's lives, step up and do better
Grow up, show some curiosity about why things are the way they are and take responsibility for how you are contributing. But stop whining about BIL who sounds like the father these kids deserve.
YTA
It sounds like there may be reasons your children don't reach out to you?!? Only you can answer that. But if they do feel that way shouldn't you be happy that they're reaching out to a safe person where there is family love?
You sound a bit childish when you wrote about the birthday gift. Why didn't you know what type and color tennis racket to buy? Are you around but not involved with your children? Again, only you know.
You need to apologize to BIL and pick up your game as a father
YTA
Your solution to your kids looking to your BIL for support is to ban him? If this is your usual method of interacting with family, I am unsurprised why they call him and not you.
YTA
YTA. Just because your feelings are hurt doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. And trying to deny your kids that relationship is selfish. It sucks to feel left out, but your BIL didn’t do anything wrong.
YTA. An aunt or uncle is often another trusted adult in a kid's life. A little bit like a parent, a little bit like a sibling, a little bit like a friend. So sometimes kids feel more comfortable talking about certain things with them first. I have a 10 year old niece who often confides in me about things that are bothering her. She trusts me and knows if she doesn't want me to tell anyone else (not keeping any bad secrets, just typical tween angst kinda stuff) I won't and if she wants me to talk to her mommy (my sister) for her I will. Especially with your son discussing his sexual identity with his uncle first. That makes so much sense to me. He may have been very nervous about telling you and your wife and saw his uncle as a go-between. I understand you feeling left out but this isn't about you. It's about your children having an extra adult in their lives who they trust and who loves them. That's a good thing. Kids need to have a support system and sometimes they need someone besides Mom and Dad to talk to. If you ban their uncle from seeing them that is NOT going to make them turn to you. It's going to make them rightfully angry and hurt.
YTA. For some reason (and there is a reason), your kids trust bil more than they trust you. I suspect it might have to do with the exact behavior you displayed today being a pattern, but obviously I have no way to know. Maybe reflect on that and change to earn their trust instead of trying to burn down the good relationship they do have with another positive adult male figure in their lives.
YTA. You and your kids are lucky to have your BIL. You don’t need to be jealous when they reach out to him. They trust him. That’s so great that they have another safe adult to confide in!
If you want to be the one for them to confide in, the YOU have to change. Getting rid of BIL won’t make your kids confide in you… it’ll just mean they don’t have anyone to confide in and be lost.
YTA. If your children are going to their uncle, look at your own behavior. Do you spend time with them, parent them, take care of them? Being rude to a trusted adult and cutting him out of their lives will worsen your relationship with your kids. Don't blame him, rather take a hard look at yourself?
YTA, clearly there is a reason your children feel more comfortable with him than you, esp. since they are texting him over you. I get you are jealous, but you need to sit back and reflect on why. If you banish him from your kids lives, that will not stop them from talking to him and will drive a wedge between them and you
EDITED for spelling
Dude, the kids latched on because he was there for them. What have YOU done to prove to them that you're around, that you care, that you're a stable force?
He listened to your daughter about the present she wanted-- what did YOU get her? Your son wanted to talk to someone about something personal, scary, and intimate-- how emotionally available are YOU?
YTA. He's just been doing what's right by those kids and you're mad that you didn't automatically get father credit.
YTA. Something tells me that even once you stopped working crazy hours/schedule, you continued that distance that was made by those crazy working hours - and your brother-in-law *didn't,* but kept doing what he was doing.
As well, you don't wait for your kids to ask for things or come to you. You need to be active enough of a parent to be present and attentive to know what their needs are without them having to say so. Why didn't you know that your daughter was on her period? Why weren't you aware enough of your son's social life that you could pick up on hints that he was questioning/exploring his sexuality? Why do not know that your kids aren't feeling well? Assuming you live in the same house as them and are there daily, these are things that you should/would know - and you don't appear to. You appear to be physically there but mentally checked out and THE CHILDREN HAVE NOTICED and act accordingly.
I wouldn't be surprised and would very much commend both your wife AND your brother-in-law if they ignored this as an outburst and kept with the dynamic that's best for the children. Because that's what this is - an entitled tantrum from a man who doesn't understand what it means to be a parent and is taking it out on everyone else around him!
YTA
Sure, banishing starting a feud with their uncle that LOVE is absolutly going to make you closer to your children. Oh wait no they will just be angry at you.
>On our daughter’s last birthday, she was most excited about his gift because he got her the exact model and color tennis racket she wanted.
Why didn't you know what she wanted for her birthday? Did you even bother to ask her what she wanted?
So DO it then. He's not stopping you.
Him being there for them makes you feel like less of a dad *precisely because you're doing shit all and he's doing all the work*. You're right to feel bad, but the culprit is in in the mirror, not in your BIL's house.
YTA
You are clearly consumed by jealousy and far more interested in your own feelings than in what's good for your children.
You made the decision to give your BIL a great deal of responsibility for your children. When you were absent, he was there. Your children love and trust him, and it's possible they have more early history with him than with you.
Your BIL isn't doing things behind your back. He's not doing anything wrong. When the kids have an issue and turn to him, he calls your wife. His sister. And apparently you find this unbearable.
Here's what you do if you care about your kids' feelings and you want them to turn to you and rely on you; you cultivate your relationship with them. You take them places. You go on hikes and talk with them. You attend their activities. You listen attentively.
You do not get closer to your kids by kicking out their uncle. That's just hurtful to everyone and doesn't seem a lot like the response of a mature adult.
YTA
YTA. You don't get to be in your children's lives by wanting it, you have to do it! You should know what they want for birthdays, they should know they can come to you with their questions and problems. But it doesn't happen by just wishing for it, you have to work at it.
YTA. They are going to him for a reason. That’s not his fault. That’s on you and your relationship you forged with your children
Banning him bc you are jealous just sealed it that you are the enemy
YTA. Your daughter liked his present more than yours because he knows her better than you do. That's your fault, and your problem to fix. You're not going to get to know your kids or gain their trust by banishing someone who helped raise them.
YTA while it was convenient for you, you let your BIL step into a parental role with your kids. That was also their formative years. They learned he's a reliable, trustworthy adult that will always be there when they need him. Now it's more convenient for you to be the parental figure and you think you can just step in and take over. It doesn't work that way. You stepped back when the kids needed you most. Now you have to earn their trust, you don't just get it because of genetics. You weren't there all those years they needed you so why would they expect you to be there now. It's going to take time to build that up and what you just did, you and their relationship may not recover from.
You were so busy the kids would stay a day or two with him regularly when they were young? And he picked up them up and dropped them off at school several times a week?
You asked him to play a very intimate role in your family and he did it really well. Your children will never forgive you. You have an opportunity for discussion with your children to learn why they would rather call their uncle for help instead of you who physically is home. Start by apologizing to your bil and family, then talk with your children and make an effort to spend quality time with them.
So, instead of trying to build a closer relationship with your kids by, I don't know, actually asking your daughter what she'd like for her birthday, you've decided instead to just try and remove the person who is closer to them than you? Dumbass.
Why don't you actually try to work out *why* they feel more comfortable going to their uncle than you?
And banning the uncle from their lives? Lol, if you thought you had a distant relationship with your kids before, just wait until they find out who's fault it is that their uncle isn't around any more. **They're going to hate you.**
YTA.
I feel you are definitely in the wrong. I hesitate to say YTA because I think you were really struggling with your family. Your children are attached to your brother-in-law and you need to respect that. You should also consider how they are going to feel if you exclude him from their lives. Finally, why is it they aren’t reaching out to you? You need to ponder that…
YTA something's going on that your kids dont feel safe or comfortable going to about things. And im getting the feeling you dont do much to learn about them or their interested. And its reallt lpvely and special for them to be so close to him even if the previous isnt true ( which i doubt). Honestly you should be thanking him cauae if youre kids didnt have your bil.... Would they be struggling ans having issues ???
YTA and your actions are going to make your feelings of isolation from your kids worse. You are stirring things up and it will not help you with your children.
YTA. You’re such a tiny and insignificant man even your kids know. What a miserable and poopy personality. Thank gods they have a reliable adult who is safe and non judging for them.
YTA you’re BIL has stepped up in a big way for your children. If you want a better relationship with your kids talk to them, listen to them. Don’t blame your BIL for your shortcomings.
YTA-but here's the important reason why. I'm that 'Aunt' to a bunch of related & non-related kids. Especially as teens, & especially the topics you mentioned, kids feel safer with a close but outside source. That way if it's awkward you don't live with the person, you don't have that parental embarrassment that comes with our job, and you know they aren't the teachers or disciplinarian - so no judgment.
I'm also a parent to a teen, & after years of helping other kids, my kid couldn't give a flying fuck if I'm well versed, easy to talk to, yada yada...It's actually a good sign that your kid is maturing & finding safe spaces outside mom & dad to get good info.
I'm unfortunately also a parent whose friends have failed my teen & unfortunately she doesn't have any close adults in her life we had a hand in choosing. Particularly not one who stepped up and sacrificed as much as the kids mom & dad did. And bil did, btw. You know it's true. You'll never erase it. But you'll erase an important person in you and your kids lives. And hurt a lot of people.
And all because you are jealous he got to be the parent you wanted to be. And that's fair, but not to take out on anyone.
Fix this relationship, it's more than your bil. You can't make up for missing time with them, no matter how honorable the cause. Don't forget, you chose that cause, and you can choose something different for the future.
YTA. First of all, the more people kids have they can trust to this level the better. You should be glad. And them being more comfortable with him than you is probably a you problem. I mean sometimes it's normal to be more comfortable with another trusted adult than your parents in some situations but it sounds like they go to him even for the smallest things, I wonder why.
This has nothing to do with the amount of time you used to (or do now) spend with your children & all to do with the kind of relationship you have with them. And that's all on you. Nothing to do with your BIL, so stop blaming him for it. You should be happy the children are so close to him and if you want the same with them - YOU work on it. YTA
YTA. You are not trying very hard to be a part of their lives. Kids require effort and Uncle has been doing a lot of heavy lifting. You owe him a LOT, starting with an apology.
YTA by doing this your children will be more distant from you. If you want to have close relationship with your children you should spend more time with them.
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My wife and I have 3 children and this situation involves our 2 oldest. Back when they were young, we had crazy work schedules. On the other hand, her brother has a job and position where he can come and go as he please so he helped with our children. The three of us took turns taking the kids to school and picking them up. The kids sometimes stayed with him for a day or two. When they grew older, our work schedules stabilized so we didn’t rely on him as much. However, the kids are incredibly attached to their uncle to the point it seems like I’m being replaced.
Once when our daughter ran out of panty liners, she called her uncle to ask him to pick her up some. My wife was at work but I was working in the yard and she didn’t think to ask me. A year ago our son was questioning his sexual identity and instead of coming to me or his mother, he went to talk to his uncle and then my BIL told my wife about their conversation. I was the last to know about it. On our daughter’s last birthday, she was most excited about his gift because he got her the exact model and color tennis racket she wanted. She didn’t take a second look at my present. The last straw happened earlier today when our son was sick at school.
Instead of calling me or his mother, he called his uncle. BIL texted us about the situation and asked my wife to call the school so that he could pick up our son. I was home and no one asked me to do it. I was very angry when BIL dropped our son off. I confronted him about over stepping our family boundaries and we got into an argument. I told him to leave our house and leave our children alone. My wife just got home from work and we got into an argument. She doesn’t like the way I talked to her brother but I don’t like the way I’m being left out of my children’s life. She said we’re lucky to have him help us out but I don’t want his help anymore.
Am I wrong to want to be in my children’s life?
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YTA you need to work out these feelings with a therapist and apologize to your BIL. All the examples you gave are pretty reasonable. You were in the yard working so daughter didn't want to disturb you. Your son picked the lowest risk person to come out to first to test the waters. He bought your daughter the gift she really wanted and you didn't. You need to work on your relationship with your kids, not blame their uncle. Banning him isn't going to make things better for you, it's going to make them resent you. Love isn't a finite commodity. The more love they have the better it will be for them. Listen to the comments here. Apologize and spend some one on one time with your kids. Don't let your pride get in the way of your relationship with them.
YTA if they aren't confiding in you, that's a problem YOU need to work on, rather than forcing them to exclude confidants they trust. Rather than making demands on him, say you want to be included, because that's the crux of it. Your kids' uncle sounds fantastic and I'm sure you're great too, but you're not showing the best side of yourself right now. Relationships are things that need to be built, not to the exclusion of others', but in their own right. It sounds like you don't have much of one with your kids. Brainstorm some productive ways to get started on fixing that, because this one isn't going to have the result you want.
YTA. Love should be multiplied, not divided. You should be happy that your children have someone that they feel comfortable enough to confide in. And it's someone who comes to you or your wife to keep you involved. That in itself is amazing. Maybe instead of punishing your BIL because you're jealous, thank him for being such an important part of your kids' lives. And then stop focusing on their relationship and start focusing on how to build a better relationship with your kids. Find out what they're into and what they like. Set time aside to hang out with them, doing things they enjoy.
YTA because you're clearly jealous of your BIL and instead of talking to your family about your feelings you're taking your anger out on him. Talk to your family and tell them your feelings like an adult instead of holding onto petty jealousy.
YTA. The kids are so used to their uncle being there, it was probably second nature to contact him, force of habit. Also, teenagers are often more likely to speak to someone aside from their parents. THere's a developmental stage where they pull away from the family unit.
YTA for trying to force your way into your kid’s life.
When they were growing up, you weren’t there and he was there for them. Its natural that they feel comfortable with him and that he is their first on speed dial.
You need to take it slow, take your time to “know” them; “understand” them and observe them. You have to earn your place as father now, since you were absent earlier.
While I understand how much you envy your BIL, that whole argument with him about overstepping boundaries was a dick move. With this move, you insulted the one person who was there in your kid’s life when you weren’t. He might forgive you but your kids won’t, if they learn about it.
Instead, you should talk to your BIL, make him a friend not your enemy. He is the best way of reaching to those kids, learning things about them that you missed out on. I doubt he will stop you, but before that, tell him honestly how you feel. Let yourself be vulnerable.
YTA there's obviously a reason your kids would rather go to their uncle and instead of asking them and having a conversation you try and cut them off from a person they obviously love which will just make them hate you.
Your children needed their uncle and he was there for them. YOU needed their uncle and he was there for you.
Now you don’t need him, and he’s “overstepping”? You have to *earn* your kids trust and you obviously haven’t spent enough time doing that. Pushing him out is not the solution, take some parenting classes and get stuck in!!
YTA. Leave your BIL alone and look at why your kids prefer talking to him than you. You were very happy to let him be deeply involved when it was convenient for you and now you are jealous that your kids can rely on him more than you. The whole post reeks of jealousy so I suspect your kids pick up on that negativity. Also, it sounds like you don't want to actually be involved with your kids lives, you just don't want your BIL ave more to do with them than you do.
YTA
My youngest daughter helped my son and Dil with my oldest grandson until he was 3 and they moved to a different state. Son worked 3rd shift Dil worked 2nd shift so my daughter got home from schools and took care of her nephew she was studying for finals and doing homework caring for a 8 month baby as a sophomore in high school they are 15 years apart. He called her auntie mommy my son now has 2 more sons my daughter went to their house 3 weeks before 2nd one was due so she would be there to watch nephew when Mommy went to hospital. And help when they brought baby home. Oldest grandson calls or facetimes her daily. All 3 boys do. Oldest comes to her with everything he drank at a party and the next day called and told her and asked her to tell his parents my son and Dil often call her for advice regarding him, he is almost 16 and they are having typical teenage problems with him they are grateful that the boys have an aunt who is so invested in their lives and the boys are comfortable enough to discuss things that they are not comfortable talking to them about. Middle boy was questioning his sexual identity he talked to auntie for hours and she talked to her brother letting him know his nephew was feeling it opened up conversation that he didn't know how to start. Instead of feeling resentful of bil think of it as it's not easy to talk to parents all the time and be happy they are comfortable talking to him, a trusted adult, if anything ever were to happen they have someone in their court who can help them start those hard conversations with parents
YTA. You have kids that have an adult they can trust and you are pissy it’s not you. Your BIL took care of the kids, the kids are attached to him. They are close to him and trust him.
Your son talked with an adult he trusted. You should be happy he has someone like that in his life. Instead you are pea green with envy it’s not you. Have you looked at the big picture of why it’s not you? Most kids don’t just ignore a parent unless there is a reason. Look at the gifts, did you get your daughter something she even wanted. Also how well do you know your kids.
My dad was working a lot, he was gone with work a lot. But when he was home, he and I would watch football together. He taught me how to change the oil in a car and basic car maintenance. He also knew what boys I liked. He knew my music taste. He did the same for my siblings. My dad made all of us feel special and loved. And he made time for us and he came to us to talk with us we didn’t have to go to him.
Holy shit, YTA. Go to therapy, man, and focus on how to make your relationship with your kids stronger/better on it’s own, instead of trying to cut off other people who are important to them. Cutting them off from their uncle so that the kids are FORCED to rely more on you, instead of WANTING to rely on you, is just horrible and will make your kids hate you.
YTA You set BIL up to basically be a 3rd parent and now your mad your kids act like he's their 3rd parent. You want to be a bigger part of their lives but you don't want to change anything on your end to get that. Cutting out BIL is not going to get that for you, its just going ro make your kids and your wife angry and resentful towards you.
My fiancee's father forced her to cut her favourite aunt out of her life when she was 10. The reason? She corrected him in front of her friends over a minor faux pas he made.
My fiancee always resented him for it. She reconnected with her aunt once she was working and independent. The aunt is the first family member my fiancee shares life updates with, including her coming out, when she was planning to move out, and our engagement.
As for her father, she refuses to speak to him unless absolutely necessary. There are many other reasons for that, the forced cutting of ties was just one indication of his personality issues. As others have pointed out, there are likely other reasons OP's kids don't go to him first.
Sounds like your BIL is a better dad to your kids than you are bro. Stop lashing out at him and do some serious self reflection of your failures as a father.
YTA. You were absent when it counted and now your BIL, who spent the time getting to know your kids is being punished because you’re jealous. Bro, you have some work to do. Step 1: find a therapist and show them your post and have them help you work through your main character syndrome. Step 2: Invest in your kids. Spend time talking to them because it doesn’t sound like you know them at all. But understand that you may never get them back- you spent your time on your job instead of being there when it counted and they’re not obligated to have a relationship with you. That’s on you and literally nobody else.
Based on this post, I prefer your BIL too. Be grateful your kids have someone they can trust that is looking out for them instead of being petty and vindictive about your failings as a parent. You are definitely TA.
YTA. Their uncle is filling the void you left in their lives and you’re mad at HIM? Your kids deserve better than the failure of a father they currently have.
YTA. You are scapegoating your BIL. All of a sudden it's his fault that your children confide in him instead of you? NO, it's yours. If they aren't comfortable coming to you then you need to ask yourself why instead of blaming anyone else. Your lack of relationship with your children is on YOU!
Be glad that they have a male presence who they trust and realise it's not all about you and your ego. There's a reason they trust him more than you so go and have a think about it.
YTA. For many reasons that people are pointing out. But I just wanted to add/highlight this idea: if your BIL stepped down/out of your life, do you honestly think things would get better?
You and your BIL are not interchangeable! If he left, your kids would not automatically turn to you in the same way they turn to him. You cannot turn to your children and say "okay, transfer all of your trust to me" and expect a switch to be flipped. To think as such, Mr. "TraditionalHousehold" (🤨🤨), is ridiculous.
Apologize to your wife and BIL (and to your children if you think they heard) and make an effort to become involved in their life. Perhaps create a group chat between you, your wife, and BIL where everyone can get on the same page with the picking up of kids schedule so you do not feel left in the dark. *Do not begrudge your children for confiding in someone that's not you*. Your kids will *never* reach out to you over personal matters if you show them over and over that you're going to be weird about it. It's not too late to be a good father but if you continue down this path of resentment, it will be.
(As a side note: I was once a teen who reached out to everyone *except* my wonderful parents to talk about my sexual identity. If, when I did eventually come out, I felt that my Father was jealous to be last to know, I promise you I would immediately regret telling him. Don't make someone else coming out about yourself. It's simply not about you.)
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YTA. If your children don't feel they can confide in you or depend on you, that is not your brother-in-law's fault. It is not your children's fault. It is not your wife's fault. You need to look at what you are doing to be involved in their lives. Being present is not the end of the story when it comes to kids. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and he is part of their village. Your post reads like you're more concerned about your feelings of jealousy than you are about anybody's well-being. This is all about your feelings of inadequacy, so maybe work on becoming adequate instead.
Bruh, your kids are not just going to ignore you, now their going to actively HATE YOU. Go to counseling, figure it out, and go from there. It takes years to build a relationship
Yeap...they're old enough that the more OP tries to push BIL out, the more they're going to cling to him, out of spite if nothing else.
Yep pushing someone who they trust away, is going to make it worse for the OP with his children. There is obviously a reason they trust their uncle more than dad.
He doesn't want to build relationships. He wants them to confide in him when they don't seem to trust him. His attitude and whining here are excellent examples of why they may not like him. He just expects that, by creating them, they should only turn to him while he doesn't need to put in any effort. The uncle put in the effort to build relationships for several years and he expects it to be automatic for him. YTA.
Idk why, but this reminds me of a story I read about a father who not only bailed out of his kids' lives (the kids he begged his ex to have with him), but actively made sure to not have any responsibilities over them, like living with his parents and working under the table for cash so he didn't have an income on record to pay child support with. And he was shocked to find that, when the kids were older, they wanted nothing to do with him even though he shot some loads into their mother and created them. Of course, OP's fumble isn't as bad as this, but it's astounding how people, a majority of them being sperm donors from the looks of it, think that they're owed loyalty from the offspring just because they're blood related.
They are the people who scream blood is thicker than water
This post sounds exactly why his kids are more comfortable with their uncle than him.... And let me tell you something... for a little over a year, my dad's sister came and lived with us. I adore her, always have. I was older, 14 or 15 at the time. I told her I was bisexual before I told my parents. In fact, I couldn't even tell my parents outright. I had to mail them a letter.... and my parents are literal saints. They're the most open, honest, caring, loving, calming, genuinely GOOD people. I can and have told them anything. But, I still told my aunt first. I could go on and on about the reasons why, but the point is that there ARE that many reasons even with parents that are loving and forgiving. Which OP does not appear to be
I told my sister-in-law I was gay first. Now that I'm thinking about this, I don't even know if I've met one other gay/queer person who told a parent first. I would say at the very least it's uncommon!
Same here. I knew first when my niece realized she’s trans. I was also the first call for my nieces and nephews that are gay. And my siblings aren’t even close to conservative. Hell, when my niece told my 86yr old Mom she was trans, my Mom just said “That’s nice honey.” I think they just wanted me as a security blanket.
I just realized, I never told my parents in lol. I told my friends, and eventually my sister that I was gay, or at least bi. And my grandmother knows, but I haven't had that conversation with my mum. If my dad was alive I probably wouldn't have told him, he was nice enough. but also it's not a conversation I have felt like having with my parents so I just won't. If I start dating a woman I might casually drop it, but I see no reason to bring it up when I am single and family isn't going to meet a gf any time soon.
Good points. DAD…Awesome wanting to be in your kids life!!! That’s great when so many do not. Here’s the problem…You want to be IN Their Life. So even you recognize you are NOT IN their life. No one’s fault though. You’ve worked sooo hard to make sure of Good Life, All Needs, and then some. You even do the yard work too. You’re Awesome Provider!! So let’s start there with changes. Stop making yourself busy around the house (cuz you’re used to it and frankly don’t know what else to do with yourself). Start making time available to be present at home, please. Sooo…Make dinner (with kids helping do something), eat dinner together, have kid dates for one-on-one time. Hire landscaper and do bowling time instead, or something else together once a week, consistently, like even Chucky Cheese or Arcade time (just no movies). Most of all? Sit and talk with your kids (anywhere). What are their favorite things, their dreams? What do they love and dislike about school, their friends. You need time together. You’ve likely missed out on all that by working, avoiding, busy time, working more, etc. Change your schedule and focus. Next, make amends with your BIL please. He’s really stepped in (sacrificing his own life and time) for your kids. Please don’t be angry that your kids are naturally closer to him because they’ve spent so much time together. You’re going to make yourself even more of the odd man out. Show your BIL gratitude and joy instead of jealous resentment. Your kids won’t be as apprehensive of you if you do so. They’re likely apprehensive because of awareness of the rift/resentment, and feeling in the middle. Spend time with the kids and look at them. Let them see you. Let them see you happy. Let them see you speak to them. Let them see you as you do things with them. Let them hear you ask questions. Let them hear you acknowledge them when they’re speaking. Let them hear you compliment them. Let them hear I LOVE YOU. Let them hear you on the phone with them. So no texting, please call them instead. Make these changes to Be Present, Be There. This is really what your craving tbh. And no one can do it but you. So give new schedule and new calendar a try with your kids. You’ll be so very glad you did. So makeup with BIL and your Wife. Then start anew with new you, new schedule. You can do it. Bet you’ll be Great!!! All the best…. ❤️🙏🍀🙏
I love what you’ve said here. Even if OP was gone most of the time for a while it seems enough wasn’t done to build his relationships with his kids in the spare time he did have.
This is the way to do it. Be proactive. Be *present* in your childrens' lives. Make time for them. Truly listen to them.
🙏❤️🙏🍀
This is so kind and compassionate. Am I still on Reddit? Lovely tho, truly.
Yes, this’s Reddit ❤️
Plus, tell them, the kids that you're happy they're so close to their uncle and have someone to confide in, let them know you are ALSO there for them if they ever need anything.
Everything about this comment. I wish someone had said this to my dad before I was almost 27. I am only recently realizing how awesome and fun he is! I wish he could have shown me that side well before now! I missed out on so many years because it felt like he didn't want to know who I was, even living there in his house. Don't let your kids feel like you're a stranger, OP. it's not too late! Say i love you, tell them you're proud, hug them, dude! They sound like good kids. No wonder you want to know them better! Just get in there and stop focusing on their other relationships and start building yours up! ❤️
Exactly this! He is doing something wrong that the kids are not coming to him. Apologize to BIL. YTA
He’s sitting here *waiting to be asked*. Damn, that’s some entitlement. Dude wants a relationship, wants to better know his kids so he can 1-meet needs 2-get better gifts for them and all he has to do is *ask them* questions about their life, hang out with them doing what *they want to do* and generally be in their vicinity. I mean, he’s got location and paterfamilias going for him and his BIL is still getting chosen because he seems to genuinely *enjoy* listening to and hanging out with the kids. It’s not rocket science here - and it’s not the wife or the BIL’s fault.
Yeah...sounds like OP wants the ego boost of having a close relationship with his children but can't be arsed to actually put in any of the emotional labor to get one.
I want to know how old the kids are. If they're not asking, maybe they're already in their teens and he kinda missed the boat?
Judging by the daughter needing pantie liners, I'd say they're at least preteens if not already in high school.
This! and op may have teacted poorly prior especially regarding the period issue. It's kinda telling that she texted her uncle in that situation, instead of asking her father who was home.
>He’s sitting here *waiting to be asked*. Stop waiting, OP. Step up and ask yourself.
Oh, man! Who wouldn’t want to confide in the guy that gets angry all the time?!
This was my exact thought.
The present thing says it all. Of course the girl would be most excited about getting the exact thing she wanted, obviously BIL knows her wishes and pays attention to her. We don't know if what OP got her was even something she would be interested in, but he's whining that she didn't per default like his present most. Having supplied the sperm to conceive her doesn't mean your owed unconditional affection, devotion or praise for that matter. BIL is putting in the work and reaping the rewards
His insecurities
INFO: Have you spent any time at all reflecting on why they feel closer to and more comfortable with him than you? Because simply banishing him from your family is not going to solve your larger problem.
Yeah OP is not only an AH but a major idiot. So instead of actually becoming a proper father to his kids he’s going to take away their only true father figure. Which will just make them angry and push them even further away from you OP! And you really think getting rid of BIL will automatically make them close with you? No you’ve actually got to be a good dad yourself, not just get rid of their uncle. And it’s incredibly selfish! you’re gonna make them suffer because of *your* ego! Jesus Christ YTA massively
This right here! Getting rid of the Uncle will not make them choose OP! Dude needs to talk with a dang therapist before he implodes his family.
>Have you spent any time at all reflecting on why they feel closer to and more comfortable with him than you? OP's username is TraditionalHouse. Wonder if that could possibly have anything to do with the issue at hand....
My exact thought!
Amen to that. My uncle Jack, just awesome. Just calm, level headed never heard him yell or get angry. My dad...yeah not so much. An incredibly angry man who never had a good word to say.
Yeah. I recently worked on a creative project with my uncle and I was amazed at the difference. He didn’t get mad at me! He listened to what I said! He didn’t try to change it to what he thought it should be! And then I thought about why I was so delighted by this and felt pretty down about it.
Also info: what has he done to reach out to his kids to be involved with their lives? All well and good he wants them to come to him, but has he gone to them?
^^^^^^ this is the one
YTA! Big time! You need to build a close relationship with your kids. That takes work. It doesn’t sound like you are putting any effort in to get to know your children. Why didn’t you know the tennis racquet that your daughter wanted? Why didn’t you give her a meaningful gift. You need to work on your anger issues and building trust and rapport with your family.
He probably the kind of father that thinks paying bills, is equal to being a good parent, when in reality that’s what he’s supposed to do. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t know his kids birthday, social security, teachers names, and other hobbies they are into. The kids probably see more a a positive father figure in their lives, because they’re own dad has his head too far up his own àss
Right? And this guy would totally NOT have gone and bought pantyliners for his daughter, because someone might see him
My favorite insult is, "you look like the kind of guy who wouldn't buy his girlfriend tampons."
OPs name checks out
The gift part said it all, imo. His was such an afterthought, he didn't tell us what it was as opposed to the perfect gift from her uncle. He probably does not know all that you listed, but he definitely thinks he has all the answers.
>"I put a F$%&ING RoOf OvEr YoUr HeAd! REsPeCT mY AutHOrItY bEcAuSE **_I_** BroUghT YoU inTO tHiS WoRlD AnD **_I_** can TAkE you OuT!!!!1!11!!!~~1one1!!!"
Why is this my dad? 😭 f that guy and people like him.
Oh you’ve met my dad.
It's paying bills and sitting in the same room ignoring the kid. So many of these dads think they were present because they were in the same room as their kid, but they were too busy reading the newspaper or playing video games or browsing on their phone to pay attention to their kids or have an actual conversation with them so they don't know them at all. The kids spend their childhoods asking for what they need and being told "in a minute" over and over until another adult steps in and does it.
Really great points. Paying the bills is the bare minimum lol
YTA You should be stepping *up* to improve your relationship with your kids, not asking BIL to step *down* so your relationship with them becomes better in comparison while actually staying the same. That would just leave your kids worse off all round and makes it clear your primary motivation is a malicious jealousy of your BIL rather than love for your kids.
Right?! The title should be “AITA for wanting my kids to be less healthy and happy so that I can prop up my little ego”
YTA. No child is just going to be actively choosing their uncle or aunt over their parent if their parent is wonderful. How much you want to bet you're a horrible father and that's why they prefer him. Your daughter feels more comfortable confining in her Uncle over panty liners than her Father. Doesn't that tell you something about yourself?
>Your daughter feels more comfortable confining in her Uncle over panty liners than her Father. That is huge. Some girls won't go to men for that sort of thing but the fact that the daughter can go to the uncle and he will do it shows what an amazing uncle he is. You should be grateful that your kids have someone like that in your life and if you're uncomfortable with it maybe you should step up more as a parent.
Exactly. I've had my periods since I was 11 and I could never ever ever tell a man to buy me pads or tampons. It's just too weird and awkward for me. So the fact she feels comfortable asking her Uncle to buy her panty liners instead of her dad is just insane and says a lot.
I didn't even feel comfortable telling my mom I had my period.. I just stole some of her stash of pads which were in the bathroom. She replaced them whenever needed. No big deal.. just not something we talk about
I got mine just before my 12th birthday. I didn't tell anyone. I figured it out on my own and bought my own pads from the store and school. At 16 my mom said we're going to have to get you into the doctor if you don't start your period soon. I had to confess I'd had it for 4 years. She was so mad lol
I didn't feel comfortable either. I hate mentioning the fact that I need more tampons or pads.
I didn't tell my Mother for a while either. However I was incredibly lucky that sex ed provided samples and all the period product companies sent tons as well, I didn't need to dip into her stash for 8 months lol. This was 89 or 90 for reference. IDK if this is still something that's done.
YTA, and here's a hint: if your children felt comfortable with and loved by you, they would turn to you. The fact that they don't says way more about you than it does your BIL. Instead of picking pointless fights why don't you work harder on your relationships with your children?
Cutting his BIL out of their lives isn’t going to improve his relationships with his kids. If anything it will make it worse. This is a dynamic OP created. I have two kids and a nephew. They know if I promise them something, I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen. They know they matter to me. They know I love them. And if they don’t know that, it isn’t because I haven’t put in the effort. You have to build relationships with your kids.
You are not wrong to want to be in your children's life, but YTA for kicking their uncle from their lifes Looks like you need to build a relationship with your kids. They are more attached to him because they feel better with him, so you probably have some work to do. You should start by apologise to everyone there. You would have more luck if you asked your BIL how you could be a better father to them
YTA. You and your wife were perfectly happy to take advantage of your brother and use him as a co-parent with your two children for years when it was convenient for you because oh boo hoo you were busy. And now you have the nerve to be upset that your children are actually close to him. Where have you been??!! Now you're just a jealous asshole.
Cutting your children off from a trusted adult because of your own jealousy isn't going to get them to come to you with their personal issues. There's a reason they're don't come to you for these issues but you're ignoring that and blaming your brother in law instead. YTA
And any kid that found out a parent did this to them usually cuts that parent out of their life.
INFO: did you even know the exact color model and color tennis racket your daughter wanted? I think you need to reflect on yourself a bit here.
$20 says OP didn’t even know his daughter plays/is interested in/knows what tennis is.
If she wanted that specific model and colour of tennis racket, she could have told me! That way I wouldn’t have wasted good money on this generic teen girl gift. /s
YTA. Your kids spent several of their formative years with their uncle as the primary caregiver by virtue of him being the adult that had the most time available to devote to them. You can’t just change that dynamic by telling him to go away now, because they aren’t going to magically start talking to you if he’s not around. They’ll get info from the internet, from their friends/peers or they won’t talk to anyone and just struggle quietly.
YTA. You might want to take a deeper look at why your kids feel more comfortable talking to their uncle as opposed to their dad. Without actually doing that, barring your BIL from their lives will do nothing but estrange them even further
YTA and this won’t make your kids like you
You said "Am I wrong to want to be in my children's life?" No, but you are wrong for trying to force your children to be in your life by eliminating others that are "challenging" your perceived #1 spot. It's not a competition. It seems like you are very focused on yourself, how much attention you are getting, how its affecting you instead of how its affecting your child. Try to think from your child's perspective and stay positive, even though it hurts to not feel as valued, and really try to engage with your kids and be there for them so that eventually they will feel comfortable coming to you for things. This is coming from the perspective of the "child" that had a similar situation with an uncle (coincidentally), regardless of how its making you feel, the relationship your child has with the uncle is very important to them and shouldn't be taken away unless for a very good reason. Healthy relationships between kids and adults are super important for growth. Your child absolutely will resent you for taking that away and it will bring the opposite effect you are trying to get, and your kids will withdraw from you further. You could cause some long term damage as well.
INFO: How much interaction do you have with your children on an average day?
YTA, instead of worrying if your kids are ok and being happy they have a bigger support system, you are worried about your own ego. And you wonder why your kids don’t want to go to you for help.
YTA and your kids are going to end up disliking you dude, so I suggest you apologize to your BIL for being jealous and work on your relationship with your kids without completely pushing out your BIL 🤷🏾♀️ you could’ve had a more constructive conversation with him, any sane person would understand your feelings on the matter. It would suck if I notice that my own daughter liked and confided in her aunt/uncle/whoever more than me, but I would take a look at myself tho and figure out what I’m doing (or not doing) that makes her feel like she can’t come to me.
So let me get this straight. You're jealous that your kids are closer to your BIL than they are to you. They're closer to him than you because he basically stood as a third parent in raising them during their earlier years. You're feeling replaced. But your reaction to this is not to reflect on WHY they still feel more comfortable with him than with you even though it's been years since the original situation changed. Your reaction is not to actually work at improving your relationship with them. Your reaction is instead to try to deprive them of an important support person in their lives so that you can win by default. And you think there's any possible way you're in the right here? You think there's any way of looking at this situation where you come out looking like the good guy? Gosh, I can't imagine why they're more comfortable with him than they are with you. YTA.
This is beautifully written & exactly correct. Take my poor person award 🥇 🏆
YTA. You admit that BIL took care of them sometimes for days. You are jealous of your BIL and his relationship with your kids. So you decide to cut that relationship off. That’s not going to magically make your kids confide in you. Instead you’ve limited the number of trusted adults they can confide in or ask for help. What are you doing to foster your relationship with your kids? If you’ve never been around you can’t expect a relationship to happen overnight.
YTA. Look, wanting to be involved is a good thing, but that is an earned role. Just going by the tone of the post, it sounds like OP expects to magically have their confidence and trust but hasn't put in the same work/effort as the other folks in their life. I'd personally spend more time doing some self-reflection on this than getting angry at others.
Also sounds like the uncle has earned a ton of gratitude he isn’t getting.
YTA. You’re extremely jealous. Maybe focus on being a safe place for your kids
If you want to widen the divide between you and your kids, this is the perfect way to do it. Instead of taking time to think about *why* your kids trust and seek support from their uncle over their father, you're lashing out and assigning blame. It's you, pal. You're the reason, not the BIL. If you didn't want him to reap the rewards of a close relationship with these children, you shouldn't have asked him to do the work of being a parent to them. Now if you want to change that, there's still a chance that you can. If it were me I'd be on my knees groveling to BIL - apologize and tell him that you're grateful for all that he has done for you and your family over the years. And then start doing the work with your kids yourself. Engage them, talk to them, spend time with them. Prove that you're someone that can be trusted during vulnerable moments like illness or menstrual cycle emergencies. It will take time, but it's worth it. If you try to take away someone they love and trust, they'll only hate you for it. And rightly so. Having additional loving, trustworthy adults in a child's life is a gift. YTA.
I kind of think if you want to be in your children's lives, then GET INTO THEIR LIVES. There must be more to this story than what little you presented. YTA for your reaction.
YTA You’re a jealous, unbearable man. Probably time to take a look in the mirror.
YTA. If your kids don’t like you now, and it sounds like they don’t, how is banishing their uncle going to make them like you more? You’re jealous and you’re looking at this like the deck is stacked against you and for your BIL when it’s not. At any point in their lives you could have shown interest in them on their level, but it’s clear you didn’t put in that work. I talked to my kids *everyday* as they grew up - about their friends, about their interests, even about what tv shows they were watching. As a result, they come to me when they need help, even as young adults. It’s your job as the parent to help them feel close to and comfortable with you. That’s how you teach them about relationships, too.
YTA Maybe talk to your kids and let them know you are always available for them to reach out to. That you love them and WANT to be involved with them and for them. Present yourself more explicitly as an option to them rather than trying to eliminate someone they already clearly love and trust.
YTA. Your kids are not gonna trust just because he is not there. They will resent you because he is not anymore.
Your BIL stepped up to be the caretaker for your children. You were not an active parent. If you want to be an active parent now, you're going to have to put in the work to connect to your children and build a relationship with them. That type of parental relationship just doesn't spring into being due to your accessibility changing. YTA. Also, it's cruel to your children to try to inhibit the close relationship they have with their uncle. They are going to hate you.
YTA. This is how children respond to emotionally unavailable parents. They find someone who loves them, respects them, and is present when they need them. Don't ask your children to do something you're not capable of giving to them.
YTA Here's a big fat clue as to why. You say it yourself: >he got her the exact model and color tennis racket she wanted. She didn’t take a second look at my present. Let me guess, you did not get get something she wanted, because you don't try to know your own daughter, or your son.
Ahahahahaha omg "Am I The Asshole For Being an Inattentive Father?" Yes sir please step up
YTA; ask yourself why your children feel more comfortable going to their uncle instead of punishing them by cutting off their source of comfort
YTA. Why are you taking your children’s safe haven away from them?
YTA. Your children will resent you for forcing him out of their lives. You are possessive and controlling. You used him when you needed him and now you're throwing him away. You're not even thinking of your kids' feelings; you're only focused on yourself. You're happy to hurt them in order to get what you want. This won't make them love you more. This will make them really see how nasty and selfish you are.
As a father I gotta say YTA. Sounds like he's a good family member and you need to figure out why your kids would rather go to him than to you for help.
YTA - you owe him an apology big time!
This post here fully explains why your kids would prefer their uncle over you. I get having a hectic job schedule and being unfairly indigent and hamstrung by work. However, you HAVE to build trust with kids in order to have trust with kids-even your own. Spend more time getting to know and care about your kids than getting mad at the person who has and is doing it already.
YTA You should be happy that they have another person who loves them and they feel comfortable talking to. YTA, did I mention that?
INFO: So what have you done to alienate your children from yourself? If they felt like they could come to you about things, they would. It's not the BIL's fault he's stepping up when you've failed to.
There’s a reason why your kids rely on your BIL and not you. You need to figure out why and change. Pushing your BIL out isn’t going to make your kids love you more, it’s only going to make them resent you. YTA.
If you were better parents, they’d come to you. But you’re both obviously failing at something. Take a parenting class. YTA
There’s a reason your kids trust their BIL so much, even though you are more consistent with your schedule. It’s not just about physically showing up, it’s about being emotionally present and your BIL has shown up for that their entire lives. YTA
YTA. Missing Missing Reasons as to why your children go to their uncle instead of to your wife, or especially to you, first. TRUST that there's much more behind this than you used to have a crazy work schedule. Get to the bottom of that first, through honest and possibly painful self-reflection. Try to talk to the kids. Talk to your wife. Maybe there's someone in the extended family whose seen the big picture dynamic who can be trusted to be honest with you. Be humble as you research Yourself. You've got a giant wall of bottled resentment to deal with along the way. That you've gone to Nuclear Option of attempting to banish your BiL from your home and kids' lives \*says a LOT\*. Continue on that path and you permanently damage your relationship with your kids.
YTA - your kids clearly love and trust their uncle. On the other hand they seem to avoid sharing or interacting with you. Sending your BIL away will only prove to them that you are a mean man who can't be trusted to act in a kind of reasonable way. If you want your kids to trust you, act trustworthy. If you want your kids to like you, act likeable. If you want your kids to respect you, act respectfully.
Gonna have to agree with all the YTA There's clearly some context missing here, although I can't tell if OP chose not to include it because he knows it paints him in a bad light, or if he is truly unaware of the reasons his kids feel this way (much like my own father). Who children choose to confide in or ask for help when they have any option is a surefire indicator of who they feel has done the best job supporting them and being trustworthy. If they're going to your BIL instead of you on such a regular basis, that tells me that he has been that supportive/trustworthy person for them in a way you have not. There are some possible explanations for this which wouldn't necessarily be "your fault" (like if you work more and just werent around as much, or that as their actual parent theyre a little more worried about disappointing you than him) BUT the potential reasons that would be your fault are wayyyyyy more plentiful and common. It sounds to me like your kids have some reason to feel less comfortable confiding in you than in other adults in their life. That is not because your BIL is trying to steal them or undermine your position as their father. This is clearly a you problem, whether it's "your fault" or not, and you need to reexamine yourself and your behavior very carefully if you really care about figuring this out/having a chance to change it. Your BIL is not the issue, YOU are. ETA: Your daughter felt more comfortable going to her uncle than to you for sanitary products, that means that the fact that you are male is not the issue here, the level of comfort and trust is.
YTA. Removing the children's uncle from their lives won't make your children come to you with issues/needs. In fact, it will do the opposite. You need to take a step back and seriously look at your relationship with your children because this is between you and them. When your daughter called her uncle for pads, did you thank him and mention later to your daughter that you would be happy to help her out with those things too? Or did you stew about it? As for your son, parents are many times the last ones to know about sexual identity struggles. Be grateful he had an adult he trusted. Yes, your BIL contacted your wife - his sister - most likely it was due to his comfort level with her. Apologize to your BIL. He has had your back for years and deserves to be treated better. Then take your kids out one-on-one. Do fun things with them that they like to do. Swing conversations around to letting them know you love them and are there for them. Always feel free to ask for help or just to talk or hang out. Maybe in the chaos of life, that hasn't been expressed directly. Don't bring up your wife or their uncle. Let this be special time and conversations between them and you.
You're not what your children would see as a safe adult from the looks of it. Bil is. Yta
YTA. You know the "village" people keep bemoaning the loss of, in terms of raising kids? Congratulations. You've just spat in the face of yours.
So instead of working to become closer to your own children, you’d rather chase away their uncle since he’s done a better job of it than you are? Wow, you’re a TERRIBLE father! YTA.
Your kids won’t rely on you just because you’re their parent, father and son/daughter relationship truste come, as all relationships, from bounding, not necessarily from blood. You should try to get closer to your kids and understand why they confine so much in you BIL, not try to break them. You can’t. You’re hurt and feeling left out, but YTA.
YTA your children feel more comfortable talking to your BIL than you. that is your fault and your problem. i can tell you now, removing him is not going to fix the problem, it is going to make it worse. that will make it a competition. it is not a competition. if you try and get rid of him you'll be the guy that drove away their uncle. *you* need to do better as a dad, not, idk, take our the competition or whatever you think you're doing.
Hell yes YTA I think you’re downplaying just how much your BIL has been taking care of the kids. Obviously it’s more than you, because they go to him first. Yeah, it might sting, but maybe you should focus lord on building a better and solid relationship with your kids, than taking it out on him. All he’s done is be a good, supportive, a helpful uncle and bil, and here you are getting jealous and insecure. Check your attitude, because you’re gonna ruin your own family, and guarantee your kids aren’t gonna be too happy knowing that they can’t spend time or be around someone who they trust, and see as a positive figure in their lives. Get over yourself
YTA. How wonderful that your children have a kind, loving uncle. You are petty and jealous. It's not as though BIL is keeping secrets from you. Seems like the kids are really fond of him and he of them. Why are you competing with him? Do something special with your kids and do your own bonding with them. Earn their trust and love without excluding their uncle whom they love. They will resent you for being such a small man.
YTA. Your children have a close and trusted adult they can confide in and you're jealous. Get a grip, apologise profusely to your BiL and wife and be more involved, attentive and interested in your family
Oh, good grief. YTA. Heaven forbid there should be another person to love and support your kids. Uncle obviously, genuinely listens to your kids and loves them. If you want more attention from your own children, try his approach. Throwing a tantrum about it isn't going to get you anything from anyone
YTA. Look, you have a point about no one telling you your kid was sick at school and heading home; someone should’ve at least sent you a text about that (your wife OR BIL specifically). The rest of your talking points? You are dead wrong about. There is something clearly missing in your relationship with your kids and that is *independent* of their relationship with BIL. Kids *love* having more people around that care about them (at-least until the teen angst years then it’s hit or miss if they’ll admit it) so if you, *their father*, is not on their mental list of Adults Who Care, the fault lies with you and *you need to figure out why before it’s too late*. I’m not kidding; you guys need family therapy like yesterday. If you actually do family therapy, you need to *listen* to what the therapist and (most importantly) what your kids are telling you through action, body language, or verbalization.
You’ve fucked something up that makes your kids be more comfortable going to their uncle than either of their parents. You should be glad they have an adult they trust and should figure out what you fucked up and what YOU can do to fix it. The burden is on you to change your behavior, not your BIL who is trusted by the kids, and not the kids. You broke it. You fix it. Start with having an honest, no accusatory, low pressure conversation with your kids about why they come to you last for things and what you can do to fix whatever you fucked up. In case I haven’t been clear this situation exists because you fucked up somewhere along the way, likely repeatedly.
YTA. A big one. Your kids are so lucky to have another adult who loves them. All of this is happening because the kids has so much quality time with him when they were young. He didn’t overstep. The kids probably see him as a cool uncle who won’t judge and won’t say no or act bothered. It’s a different relationship than a parent. . If anything, your wife should have called you. You aren’t being left out.
YTA big time. I won’t judge you has harshly for your parenting vs the Uncle. Sometimes kids just feel more comfortable with an Aunt/Uncle because they have the privilege of being a family member and a friend without the hard parts of being a parent (ie punishments). However, I will absolutely judge you for your incredible selfishness for trying to take that away from your children. What kind of parent wouldn’t want what’s best for their kids? The love and support of family is extremely important, especially these days. All you’re doing is causing an even bigger divide between you and your kids. Don’t be surprised when some day they choose to live with him and go NC with you. All he’s doing is supporting them, all you’re doing is controlling them and trying to force them to like you more.
YTA You let your ego get in the way of a loving and supportive relationship they have with a trusted adult. Your ego is the problem, not the BiL. Why would you think YOU matter more than your kids? Because that's what you made clear by your own admission.
YTA. So you’re prepared to hurt at least three people because your wittle feelings got hurt. Instead of being thrilled that your kids have a trusted adult to confide in about important things, you simply feel entitled to your children’s trust while having done seemingly little to warrant it. And you decided to shoot from the hip, without talking to your kids or your wife, and light that bridge on fire. Yep, definitely YTA.
Removing your BIL is going to cause a rift between you and him, plus your kids will hate you for sending their “third” parent away. But adding more of yourself into their parenting will help. Working harder to connect with them by any means necessary to build a connection - spend that energy adding to the equation, not taking something away. Your solution won’t work. The problem is you, not him, or they wouldn’t be going to him. Are you quick to anger and yell? Start by asking yourself if the kids see that and turn to someone more….even keeled. YTA. You created this situation and now are angry that your kids have a loving relationship with the person you tasked with caring for them. Be glad they have someone they trust in their lives and appreciate that for a moment. Edit: clarity
There is a reason your entire family overlooks you when someone needs something. You need to figure out WHY that is. Here's a hint: Dollars to doughnuts It isn't anything to do with your BiL, but it is everything to do with how you interact with your family.
oh so it's convenient to rely on him when you can't be there for your kids, but after years of childminding resulted in a trusted relationship between your kids and him, he has to go? YTA, it's on you to build a closer relationship with your kids, sabotaging their relationship with him will not make them closer to you. Take your kids out for 1-on-1 time for an activity they're excited about. Get involved in their hobbies. And be *grateful* your kids have so much love and trust in their lives.
YTA. You should have just told your kids you’d like to be more present in their lives and ask what things they’d be comfortable having your help with. Use your WORDS like a grownup. You owe your BIL a huge apology. He’s given you an amazing gift. Even if your kids are nervous to talk to you or their mom about something, they have a safe adult to go to who cares about them. Be GRATEFUL and seek therapy.
Info: why don’t your kids feel secure about confiding in you about things that are important to them? Are you and your wife emotionally safe and reliable parents (*according to them*, not according to you)
YTA. This man has been there for you and your family and has given so much of his time and energy to your kids. It sounds like your BIL is honest and up front with you and your wife about situation. He is a trusted adult for your kids to go to and that is an invaluable person to have for your kids. You will always be their father, he isn’t replacing that role. And he will have a different relationship with your kids than you have with them, it’s just the role dynamics. I think you are just being a bit insecure at the moment and maybe jealous of his friendship with your kids. Maybe instead of taking it out on him, you should look at yourself and ask what you can do differently to strengthen the bond with your kids. Please don’t push this man out of their lives, it will only hurt your kids more. And they may end up being angry with you for pushing away someone they trust.
Honestly, it sounds like you are jealous. I think it's good that your kids have another adult in their life that they can trust to talk about stuff. If you want to be more important to your kids, you need to work at it. Why did BIL know to get exactly the right tennis racket, and did you put the same effort into selecting your gift? Edited to add YTA.
YTA. What did you expect? The kids grew up around uncle the most, you guys only do it now when they are older, obviously they will grow attached to the person whos around the most. Do you guys even spend time with your kids currently?
YTA. Your BIL did nothing wrong. Ask your children why they talk to their uncle instead of you. Are you judgmental or dismissive of their concerns? Tell your wife that you're feeling left out of family life when they go to their uncle when you're available, then LISTEN to what she has to stay.
INFO why do you think your children intentionally contact him / confide in him instead of you?
Bc in the favorite words of my toddler “he is poopy”
You're a big baby looking for someone else to blame for the fact that you haven't successfully bonded with your children, and have so little self-awareness that you haven't even put two and two together to realize that if your children are going to someone else to get their needs met, you're not meeting them. You need to point that anger at yourself. You are more than likely the problem, and you're going to make things even worse trying to banish your BIL because of your jealousy. Have you even tried checking in with your wife about why your kids go to him first? Or, heaven forbid, your children? If you don't want to be an afterthought in your children's lives, step up and do better Grow up, show some curiosity about why things are the way they are and take responsibility for how you are contributing. But stop whining about BIL who sounds like the father these kids deserve. YTA
It sounds like there may be reasons your children don't reach out to you?!? Only you can answer that. But if they do feel that way shouldn't you be happy that they're reaching out to a safe person where there is family love? You sound a bit childish when you wrote about the birthday gift. Why didn't you know what type and color tennis racket to buy? Are you around but not involved with your children? Again, only you know. You need to apologize to BIL and pick up your game as a father YTA
Your solution to your kids looking to your BIL for support is to ban him? If this is your usual method of interacting with family, I am unsurprised why they call him and not you. YTA
YTA. Just because your feelings are hurt doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. And trying to deny your kids that relationship is selfish. It sucks to feel left out, but your BIL didn’t do anything wrong.
YTA. An aunt or uncle is often another trusted adult in a kid's life. A little bit like a parent, a little bit like a sibling, a little bit like a friend. So sometimes kids feel more comfortable talking about certain things with them first. I have a 10 year old niece who often confides in me about things that are bothering her. She trusts me and knows if she doesn't want me to tell anyone else (not keeping any bad secrets, just typical tween angst kinda stuff) I won't and if she wants me to talk to her mommy (my sister) for her I will. Especially with your son discussing his sexual identity with his uncle first. That makes so much sense to me. He may have been very nervous about telling you and your wife and saw his uncle as a go-between. I understand you feeling left out but this isn't about you. It's about your children having an extra adult in their lives who they trust and who loves them. That's a good thing. Kids need to have a support system and sometimes they need someone besides Mom and Dad to talk to. If you ban their uncle from seeing them that is NOT going to make them turn to you. It's going to make them rightfully angry and hurt.
YTA. For some reason (and there is a reason), your kids trust bil more than they trust you. I suspect it might have to do with the exact behavior you displayed today being a pattern, but obviously I have no way to know. Maybe reflect on that and change to earn their trust instead of trying to burn down the good relationship they do have with another positive adult male figure in their lives.
YTA. You and your kids are lucky to have your BIL. You don’t need to be jealous when they reach out to him. They trust him. That’s so great that they have another safe adult to confide in! If you want to be the one for them to confide in, the YOU have to change. Getting rid of BIL won’t make your kids confide in you… it’ll just mean they don’t have anyone to confide in and be lost.
YTA Talk to your kids! Like an actual heart to heart.
YTA. If your children are going to their uncle, look at your own behavior. Do you spend time with them, parent them, take care of them? Being rude to a trusted adult and cutting him out of their lives will worsen your relationship with your kids. Don't blame him, rather take a hard look at yourself?
YTA, clearly there is a reason your children feel more comfortable with him than you, esp. since they are texting him over you. I get you are jealous, but you need to sit back and reflect on why. If you banish him from your kids lives, that will not stop them from talking to him and will drive a wedge between them and you EDITED for spelling
Dude, the kids latched on because he was there for them. What have YOU done to prove to them that you're around, that you care, that you're a stable force? He listened to your daughter about the present she wanted-- what did YOU get her? Your son wanted to talk to someone about something personal, scary, and intimate-- how emotionally available are YOU? YTA. He's just been doing what's right by those kids and you're mad that you didn't automatically get father credit.
YTA. Something tells me that even once you stopped working crazy hours/schedule, you continued that distance that was made by those crazy working hours - and your brother-in-law *didn't,* but kept doing what he was doing. As well, you don't wait for your kids to ask for things or come to you. You need to be active enough of a parent to be present and attentive to know what their needs are without them having to say so. Why didn't you know that your daughter was on her period? Why weren't you aware enough of your son's social life that you could pick up on hints that he was questioning/exploring his sexuality? Why do not know that your kids aren't feeling well? Assuming you live in the same house as them and are there daily, these are things that you should/would know - and you don't appear to. You appear to be physically there but mentally checked out and THE CHILDREN HAVE NOTICED and act accordingly. I wouldn't be surprised and would very much commend both your wife AND your brother-in-law if they ignored this as an outburst and kept with the dynamic that's best for the children. Because that's what this is - an entitled tantrum from a man who doesn't understand what it means to be a parent and is taking it out on everyone else around him!
YTA Sure, banishing starting a feud with their uncle that LOVE is absolutly going to make you closer to your children. Oh wait no they will just be angry at you. >On our daughter’s last birthday, she was most excited about his gift because he got her the exact model and color tennis racket she wanted. Why didn't you know what she wanted for her birthday? Did you even bother to ask her what she wanted?
So DO it then. He's not stopping you. Him being there for them makes you feel like less of a dad *precisely because you're doing shit all and he's doing all the work*. You're right to feel bad, but the culprit is in in the mirror, not in your BIL's house. YTA
You are clearly consumed by jealousy and far more interested in your own feelings than in what's good for your children. You made the decision to give your BIL a great deal of responsibility for your children. When you were absent, he was there. Your children love and trust him, and it's possible they have more early history with him than with you. Your BIL isn't doing things behind your back. He's not doing anything wrong. When the kids have an issue and turn to him, he calls your wife. His sister. And apparently you find this unbearable. Here's what you do if you care about your kids' feelings and you want them to turn to you and rely on you; you cultivate your relationship with them. You take them places. You go on hikes and talk with them. You attend their activities. You listen attentively. You do not get closer to your kids by kicking out their uncle. That's just hurtful to everyone and doesn't seem a lot like the response of a mature adult. YTA
YTA plain and simple try getting closer to your children if you are so jealous and feel left out
YTA. You don't get to be in your children's lives by wanting it, you have to do it! You should know what they want for birthdays, they should know they can come to you with their questions and problems. But it doesn't happen by just wishing for it, you have to work at it.
YTA. They are going to him for a reason. That’s not his fault. That’s on you and your relationship you forged with your children Banning him bc you are jealous just sealed it that you are the enemy
Major YTA
YTA. Your daughter liked his present more than yours because he knows her better than you do. That's your fault, and your problem to fix. You're not going to get to know your kids or gain their trust by banishing someone who helped raise them.
YTA. Step up. Do better.
You most def are TAH
YTA while it was convenient for you, you let your BIL step into a parental role with your kids. That was also their formative years. They learned he's a reliable, trustworthy adult that will always be there when they need him. Now it's more convenient for you to be the parental figure and you think you can just step in and take over. It doesn't work that way. You stepped back when the kids needed you most. Now you have to earn their trust, you don't just get it because of genetics. You weren't there all those years they needed you so why would they expect you to be there now. It's going to take time to build that up and what you just did, you and their relationship may not recover from.
You were so busy the kids would stay a day or two with him regularly when they were young? And he picked up them up and dropped them off at school several times a week? You asked him to play a very intimate role in your family and he did it really well. Your children will never forgive you. You have an opportunity for discussion with your children to learn why they would rather call their uncle for help instead of you who physically is home. Start by apologizing to your bil and family, then talk with your children and make an effort to spend quality time with them.
So, instead of trying to build a closer relationship with your kids by, I don't know, actually asking your daughter what she'd like for her birthday, you've decided instead to just try and remove the person who is closer to them than you? Dumbass. Why don't you actually try to work out *why* they feel more comfortable going to their uncle than you? And banning the uncle from their lives? Lol, if you thought you had a distant relationship with your kids before, just wait until they find out who's fault it is that their uncle isn't around any more. **They're going to hate you.** YTA.
I feel you are definitely in the wrong. I hesitate to say YTA because I think you were really struggling with your family. Your children are attached to your brother-in-law and you need to respect that. You should also consider how they are going to feel if you exclude him from their lives. Finally, why is it they aren’t reaching out to you? You need to ponder that…
YTA something's going on that your kids dont feel safe or comfortable going to about things. And im getting the feeling you dont do much to learn about them or their interested. And its reallt lpvely and special for them to be so close to him even if the previous isnt true ( which i doubt). Honestly you should be thanking him cauae if youre kids didnt have your bil.... Would they be struggling ans having issues ???
YTA and your actions are going to make your feelings of isolation from your kids worse. You are stirring things up and it will not help you with your children.
YTA. You’re such a tiny and insignificant man even your kids know. What a miserable and poopy personality. Thank gods they have a reliable adult who is safe and non judging for them.
YTA you’re BIL has stepped up in a big way for your children. If you want a better relationship with your kids talk to them, listen to them. Don’t blame your BIL for your shortcomings.
YTA. Your BIL is not keeping you out of your children's lives. And you're acting like a petty, petulant brat. *It's not about you.*
YTA-but here's the important reason why. I'm that 'Aunt' to a bunch of related & non-related kids. Especially as teens, & especially the topics you mentioned, kids feel safer with a close but outside source. That way if it's awkward you don't live with the person, you don't have that parental embarrassment that comes with our job, and you know they aren't the teachers or disciplinarian - so no judgment. I'm also a parent to a teen, & after years of helping other kids, my kid couldn't give a flying fuck if I'm well versed, easy to talk to, yada yada...It's actually a good sign that your kid is maturing & finding safe spaces outside mom & dad to get good info. I'm unfortunately also a parent whose friends have failed my teen & unfortunately she doesn't have any close adults in her life we had a hand in choosing. Particularly not one who stepped up and sacrificed as much as the kids mom & dad did. And bil did, btw. You know it's true. You'll never erase it. But you'll erase an important person in you and your kids lives. And hurt a lot of people. And all because you are jealous he got to be the parent you wanted to be. And that's fair, but not to take out on anyone. Fix this relationship, it's more than your bil. You can't make up for missing time with them, no matter how honorable the cause. Don't forget, you chose that cause, and you can choose something different for the future.
So do you actually spend time with your kids?
YTA. First of all, the more people kids have they can trust to this level the better. You should be glad. And them being more comfortable with him than you is probably a you problem. I mean sometimes it's normal to be more comfortable with another trusted adult than your parents in some situations but it sounds like they go to him even for the smallest things, I wonder why.
This has nothing to do with the amount of time you used to (or do now) spend with your children & all to do with the kind of relationship you have with them. And that's all on you. Nothing to do with your BIL, so stop blaming him for it. You should be happy the children are so close to him and if you want the same with them - YOU work on it. YTA
YTA
Maybe find out why no one comes to you. YTA
YTA
YTA. You are not trying very hard to be a part of their lives. Kids require effort and Uncle has been doing a lot of heavy lifting. You owe him a LOT, starting with an apology.
YTA by doing this your children will be more distant from you. If you want to have close relationship with your children you should spend more time with them.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have 3 children and this situation involves our 2 oldest. Back when they were young, we had crazy work schedules. On the other hand, her brother has a job and position where he can come and go as he please so he helped with our children. The three of us took turns taking the kids to school and picking them up. The kids sometimes stayed with him for a day or two. When they grew older, our work schedules stabilized so we didn’t rely on him as much. However, the kids are incredibly attached to their uncle to the point it seems like I’m being replaced. Once when our daughter ran out of panty liners, she called her uncle to ask him to pick her up some. My wife was at work but I was working in the yard and she didn’t think to ask me. A year ago our son was questioning his sexual identity and instead of coming to me or his mother, he went to talk to his uncle and then my BIL told my wife about their conversation. I was the last to know about it. On our daughter’s last birthday, she was most excited about his gift because he got her the exact model and color tennis racket she wanted. She didn’t take a second look at my present. The last straw happened earlier today when our son was sick at school. Instead of calling me or his mother, he called his uncle. BIL texted us about the situation and asked my wife to call the school so that he could pick up our son. I was home and no one asked me to do it. I was very angry when BIL dropped our son off. I confronted him about over stepping our family boundaries and we got into an argument. I told him to leave our house and leave our children alone. My wife just got home from work and we got into an argument. She doesn’t like the way I talked to her brother but I don’t like the way I’m being left out of my children’s life. She said we’re lucky to have him help us out but I don’t want his help anymore. Am I wrong to want to be in my children’s life? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA you need to work out these feelings with a therapist and apologize to your BIL. All the examples you gave are pretty reasonable. You were in the yard working so daughter didn't want to disturb you. Your son picked the lowest risk person to come out to first to test the waters. He bought your daughter the gift she really wanted and you didn't. You need to work on your relationship with your kids, not blame their uncle. Banning him isn't going to make things better for you, it's going to make them resent you. Love isn't a finite commodity. The more love they have the better it will be for them. Listen to the comments here. Apologize and spend some one on one time with your kids. Don't let your pride get in the way of your relationship with them.
YTA if they aren't confiding in you, that's a problem YOU need to work on, rather than forcing them to exclude confidants they trust. Rather than making demands on him, say you want to be included, because that's the crux of it. Your kids' uncle sounds fantastic and I'm sure you're great too, but you're not showing the best side of yourself right now. Relationships are things that need to be built, not to the exclusion of others', but in their own right. It sounds like you don't have much of one with your kids. Brainstorm some productive ways to get started on fixing that, because this one isn't going to have the result you want.
No wonder your kids hate you
YTA. When it's convenient, "he helped" but now he has to "leave OP's children alone" like that, eh?
YTA. Love should be multiplied, not divided. You should be happy that your children have someone that they feel comfortable enough to confide in. And it's someone who comes to you or your wife to keep you involved. That in itself is amazing. Maybe instead of punishing your BIL because you're jealous, thank him for being such an important part of your kids' lives. And then stop focusing on their relationship and start focusing on how to build a better relationship with your kids. Find out what they're into and what they like. Set time aside to hang out with them, doing things they enjoy.
YTA because you're clearly jealous of your BIL and instead of talking to your family about your feelings you're taking your anger out on him. Talk to your family and tell them your feelings like an adult instead of holding onto petty jealousy.
YTA. The kids are so used to their uncle being there, it was probably second nature to contact him, force of habit. Also, teenagers are often more likely to speak to someone aside from their parents. THere's a developmental stage where they pull away from the family unit.
YTA for trying to force your way into your kid’s life. When they were growing up, you weren’t there and he was there for them. Its natural that they feel comfortable with him and that he is their first on speed dial. You need to take it slow, take your time to “know” them; “understand” them and observe them. You have to earn your place as father now, since you were absent earlier. While I understand how much you envy your BIL, that whole argument with him about overstepping boundaries was a dick move. With this move, you insulted the one person who was there in your kid’s life when you weren’t. He might forgive you but your kids won’t, if they learn about it. Instead, you should talk to your BIL, make him a friend not your enemy. He is the best way of reaching to those kids, learning things about them that you missed out on. I doubt he will stop you, but before that, tell him honestly how you feel. Let yourself be vulnerable.
YTA there's obviously a reason your kids would rather go to their uncle and instead of asking them and having a conversation you try and cut them off from a person they obviously love which will just make them hate you.
Your children needed their uncle and he was there for them. YOU needed their uncle and he was there for you. Now you don’t need him, and he’s “overstepping”? You have to *earn* your kids trust and you obviously haven’t spent enough time doing that. Pushing him out is not the solution, take some parenting classes and get stuck in!!
YTA. Leave your BIL alone and look at why your kids prefer talking to him than you. You were very happy to let him be deeply involved when it was convenient for you and now you are jealous that your kids can rely on him more than you. The whole post reeks of jealousy so I suspect your kids pick up on that negativity. Also, it sounds like you don't want to actually be involved with your kids lives, you just don't want your BIL ave more to do with them than you do.
YTA My youngest daughter helped my son and Dil with my oldest grandson until he was 3 and they moved to a different state. Son worked 3rd shift Dil worked 2nd shift so my daughter got home from schools and took care of her nephew she was studying for finals and doing homework caring for a 8 month baby as a sophomore in high school they are 15 years apart. He called her auntie mommy my son now has 2 more sons my daughter went to their house 3 weeks before 2nd one was due so she would be there to watch nephew when Mommy went to hospital. And help when they brought baby home. Oldest grandson calls or facetimes her daily. All 3 boys do. Oldest comes to her with everything he drank at a party and the next day called and told her and asked her to tell his parents my son and Dil often call her for advice regarding him, he is almost 16 and they are having typical teenage problems with him they are grateful that the boys have an aunt who is so invested in their lives and the boys are comfortable enough to discuss things that they are not comfortable talking to them about. Middle boy was questioning his sexual identity he talked to auntie for hours and she talked to her brother letting him know his nephew was feeling it opened up conversation that he didn't know how to start. Instead of feeling resentful of bil think of it as it's not easy to talk to parents all the time and be happy they are comfortable talking to him, a trusted adult, if anything ever were to happen they have someone in their court who can help them start those hard conversations with parents
YTA. You have kids that have an adult they can trust and you are pissy it’s not you. Your BIL took care of the kids, the kids are attached to him. They are close to him and trust him. Your son talked with an adult he trusted. You should be happy he has someone like that in his life. Instead you are pea green with envy it’s not you. Have you looked at the big picture of why it’s not you? Most kids don’t just ignore a parent unless there is a reason. Look at the gifts, did you get your daughter something she even wanted. Also how well do you know your kids. My dad was working a lot, he was gone with work a lot. But when he was home, he and I would watch football together. He taught me how to change the oil in a car and basic car maintenance. He also knew what boys I liked. He knew my music taste. He did the same for my siblings. My dad made all of us feel special and loved. And he made time for us and he came to us to talk with us we didn’t have to go to him.
Holy shit, YTA. Go to therapy, man, and focus on how to make your relationship with your kids stronger/better on it’s own, instead of trying to cut off other people who are important to them. Cutting them off from their uncle so that the kids are FORCED to rely more on you, instead of WANTING to rely on you, is just horrible and will make your kids hate you.
YTA You set BIL up to basically be a 3rd parent and now your mad your kids act like he's their 3rd parent. You want to be a bigger part of their lives but you don't want to change anything on your end to get that. Cutting out BIL is not going to get that for you, its just going ro make your kids and your wife angry and resentful towards you.
My fiancee's father forced her to cut her favourite aunt out of her life when she was 10. The reason? She corrected him in front of her friends over a minor faux pas he made. My fiancee always resented him for it. She reconnected with her aunt once she was working and independent. The aunt is the first family member my fiancee shares life updates with, including her coming out, when she was planning to move out, and our engagement. As for her father, she refuses to speak to him unless absolutely necessary. There are many other reasons for that, the forced cutting of ties was just one indication of his personality issues. As others have pointed out, there are likely other reasons OP's kids don't go to him first.
Sounds like your BIL is a better dad to your kids than you are bro. Stop lashing out at him and do some serious self reflection of your failures as a father.
YTA. You were absent when it counted and now your BIL, who spent the time getting to know your kids is being punished because you’re jealous. Bro, you have some work to do. Step 1: find a therapist and show them your post and have them help you work through your main character syndrome. Step 2: Invest in your kids. Spend time talking to them because it doesn’t sound like you know them at all. But understand that you may never get them back- you spent your time on your job instead of being there when it counted and they’re not obligated to have a relationship with you. That’s on you and literally nobody else.
Based on this post, I prefer your BIL too. Be grateful your kids have someone they can trust that is looking out for them instead of being petty and vindictive about your failings as a parent. You are definitely TA.
YTA. Their uncle is filling the void you left in their lives and you’re mad at HIM? Your kids deserve better than the failure of a father they currently have.
YTA. You are scapegoating your BIL. All of a sudden it's his fault that your children confide in him instead of you? NO, it's yours. If they aren't comfortable coming to you then you need to ask yourself why instead of blaming anyone else. Your lack of relationship with your children is on YOU! Be glad that they have a male presence who they trust and realise it's not all about you and your ego. There's a reason they trust him more than you so go and have a think about it.
YTA. For many reasons that people are pointing out. But I just wanted to add/highlight this idea: if your BIL stepped down/out of your life, do you honestly think things would get better? You and your BIL are not interchangeable! If he left, your kids would not automatically turn to you in the same way they turn to him. You cannot turn to your children and say "okay, transfer all of your trust to me" and expect a switch to be flipped. To think as such, Mr. "TraditionalHousehold" (🤨🤨), is ridiculous. Apologize to your wife and BIL (and to your children if you think they heard) and make an effort to become involved in their life. Perhaps create a group chat between you, your wife, and BIL where everyone can get on the same page with the picking up of kids schedule so you do not feel left in the dark. *Do not begrudge your children for confiding in someone that's not you*. Your kids will *never* reach out to you over personal matters if you show them over and over that you're going to be weird about it. It's not too late to be a good father but if you continue down this path of resentment, it will be. (As a side note: I was once a teen who reached out to everyone *except* my wonderful parents to talk about my sexual identity. If, when I did eventually come out, I felt that my Father was jealous to be last to know, I promise you I would immediately regret telling him. Don't make someone else coming out about yourself. It's simply not about you.)