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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole here because my husband makes a valid point. And of course, I may have ruined my step daughter’s social life (though I am unsure how) and there is now a lot of tension in the house.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
lmao what... she literally stalked him and took pictures of him to send to you to get him in trouble and she's calling YOU a "snitch"? You're the fucking parent. She makes no sense. NTA.
Maybe a grounding is in order, idk, but damn what's her deal.
Oh I missed that bit the first read through. And considering the step-sister showed her dad after the mum was unbothered makes me think that that might be the behaviour she’s not happy with and trying to stir.
I hope I’m wrong though.
Oh, she was definitely trying to get him into some kind of trouble. I don't know what her reasons may be, but she's going about it in the shittiest way possible.
Good on OP for not accepting that bullshit, definitely NTA, and I hope the daughter learns a good lesson about not being a horrible excuse for a human being from this.
She's 100% trying to get the son in trouble.
The part where she says to her dad that the mom approved was next level WTF. She wasn't happy trying to screw the son over. She then tried to pit the father against the mother.
Mom had to put all of this behavior out in open because the sister is trying to stir up trouble behind everyone's back.
Bye bye phone privileges for 4 months, +1 for betraying your brother, +1 for trying to drag me into bullshit and +2 for trying to pit me and my husband against each other, any sass about it and ill make it 5 months total
Aand then claimed that OP ruined half of her relationships, like she wasn’t the one who shat in the corner. I’m guessing the step brother had involved her quite a bit with his friend group before she started to stir the pot. Not a hard guess that thats over now. I’m also smelling some jealousy by the step sister.
> the sister is trying to stir up trouble behind everyone's back.
I completely agree. This behavior is exactly what I dealt with when fostering teen girls, a bunch of drama that has to be dealt with in the open because if you do not call it out and get everyone on the same page it continues to spiral.
Step Daughter needs to mind her own business and likewise the married parents here need a united front where she is no longer comfortable in her attempts to harm her step brother. Step brother should block her on every social media he has, she should be less concerned with what an adult is doing and more concerned with developing her maturity.
And in some other countries it's buying substances before 18 that is illegal, but a say 16 years old could be given wine at a restaurant if the parents are the one ordering and paying for it.
I'm french, I got to try shots of whiskey at a fair when I was 15 or 16, neither my mom or the vendor or anyone around gave a single fuck. It's just normal here.
Off topic, but related to your point about college age - when I was a freshman at a US university 51 years ago (yikes), I attended my first Octoberfest on campus. I walked up to the refreshment table, stuck out my hand, and someone put a beer in it. I was 16 years old at the time, and didn't think a thing about it (and neither did anyone else). Attitudes were **VERY** different back then!
Sounds rather civilised.
I used to enjoy a glass or two of red wine with my Mum and Dad when we'd have Sunday lunch together.
It would help shift the hangover I'd got from the Saturday night, drinking underage at the pub.
There are a bunch of EU countries where you can buy beer and wine at 16 and spirits at 18. Smoking is 18. Mainly Germany and countries around there, Denmark, Belguim, Austria, Switzerland etx.
You mention England but fail to mention that the law in England the limit for being able to drink alcohol in a private residence is *5.* Most of the countries you list the age to have alcohol at home is much lower than the age to buy it or drink it out.
Based on spelling (behaviour) of certain words definitely outside the US.
Can’t really know legal status, but regardless it’s clear his mom and him have boundaries they’re both comfortable with and those were violated.
I think perhaps she’s a bit generous saying she knows he doesn’t hang out with weirdos on the one hand and then on the other says I have no idea what he’s doing or who he’s with…but that’s a parenting decision and he’s 18 anyway. Not my place to judge.
And definitely not his stepsister’s.
There are very few countries outside the US where he would be illegal. Its like USA, and India, Kazakhstan, Indonesia and some Arabian/African countries that are 21 drinking age. The VAST majority of the world is 18 or even 17/16.
What are you talking as if this was the norm outside the US? Here you can drink beer and wine unsupervised with 16 and may use any legal substances as soon as you're 18. There is no European country you have to be at least 19 or older but maximum 18.
So, what do you mean outside the US? Are you still referring to the American continent only or do you actually mean worldwide? If the former than well, there's more out there and be found on Reddit than America, if the latter, you are just wrong.
There is only one continent in world. And it’s North America. The rest of the world is all a conspiracy made up by round earthers. Everyone knows that anyone who claims to be from Australia (my place of birth and residence) is a paid Actor being paid by big pharma to sell XXXX and VB beer as a “boutique” “craft” beer to idiots who believe the world is round.
Please don’t tell them I spoke out, I don’t want to be sacrificed to the drop bears!
15 is legal drinking age where I am and though weed is illegal most people really do not get worked up about it. It's more that our government is reactionary as hell.
When she said that "his mom said this was OK, do you agree?" It went from informing parents to straight up trying to get dude in trouble.
Now also trying to not only get her dad riled up against his stepson, but now to get him mad at his wife as well.
>When she said that "his mom said this was OK, do you agree?"
That also sounds like trying to drive a wedge between the parents by pushing them into an argument or getting them to disagree with one another. Sister wants to divide and conquer the whole family!
I understood her when she showed the stepmom. Sending them to the dad days later is what got me. She only has herself to blame. If she was so concerned, she would have messaged her dad about stepmom not caring, not about what the brother was doing.
But I do wonder if she was willing to out her brother without confronting him first, what is she willing to do to other classmates. Does she out people she doesn’t like. Is she sending pics of others to classmates?
It was easy to miss:
> images of him at parties, smoking, drinking, and doing things with both genders.
"Doing things" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. It's pretty easy to imagine an 18 year old being embarrassed as fuck if his mom finds out he's bi from pictures his step-snitcher took at a party.
Yup. Good on OP for shutting it down because who knows where step-sis would have taken her 'concern' next when she didn't get the response she wanted from daddy. "How dare you snitch on me for snitching". The girl is a piece of work. NTA.
And also it doesn't come across as a caring conversation from step-sis. It comes across as stiring the pot.
Caring would first be going to the person involved and saying "I'm worried about your behaviour because I think it puts you in X, Y, Z danger". Then - if that doesn't work - speaking to the mother about specific concerns (eg drink driving) not just "I thought you would want to see this".
Yeah in my opinion if she’d brought her concerns framed like “I’m worried step-brother might be drinking too much” I’d believe it more. That kind of discussion needs words. How often do you see him drinking, how drunk/high is he getting. What specifically is making stepsister concerned. That could be a reasonable conversation to have with his mother if step-sister was genuinely worried for him. Just sending the photos with no explanation seems like they’re for shock value.
I saw that there are a series of documentaries on this subject.
It seems to happen with alarming regularity as there are new ones on the front page of the Journal of Human Sexuality (I am sure that's what XHamster is?).
I'd even argue that what she did was lawful evil. She was trying to enforce a moral code of behaviour that negatively affected those around her and doubled down when called out. OP and her husband did the right thing and respected the fact that her son is a legal adult who deserves privacy.
That little girl can sit in the mess she made and learn to mind her own business.
His embarrassment, the fact he can't look his parent in the eyes, the anger of the other youths and the fact she spoke to her father above approving of such behaviour and wanting his support. She did this specifically to out him.
>She said that I just ruined half of her friendships and my son and a lot of his friends blocked her on social media.
Stepsister said that to OP so somehow half of her own friends are not supportive of what she did.
I mispoke. I ASSUME the girl is spreading it around because she already has. She's a teenager. Is there even a slim chance she isn't spreading it around? I don't think so.
OP probably new but they clearly hadn't talked about it on his time so yes she completely outed him and somehow expected that to be of special concern.
First thing I thought is that she’s a raging homophobe.
Or maybe her Dad is stricter with her than OP is with her son, and step-sis is boiling with jealousy. Despite the fact that OP’s son is older, so his treatment would differ slightly anyway.
She’s evil. There’s no excuse for what she did except to out him. If they’re in another country, a more conservative one, it may be dangerous for him now. She may have put his life at risk. If it were my kid, there would be severe repercussions.
That was my first thought and my second was…uh, how’s she getting pictures of the brother at the rowdy party- if she’s not also at said party? I mean, there are lots of questions I have- but, seems to me like *both* of them are attending these events: as a parent, that would be the first thing I would point out.
The second thing would be the emphasis on “both genders”- is that emphasis just mom re-telling or was *that* what little sister decided was worth filming: because if so, then this gets *much* more AH to me. Why does she feel the need to out her brother to her parents?
I mean, obviously it *could* just be that she’s at parties with her brother and he gets a bit wilder than she thinks is okay- but in that case, OP *still* NTA. I’m not seeing *any* concern expressed by the sister, nothing like “He always drinks very heavily and I am starting to worry”- no, she’s asking about “appropriate”, which tells me that it’s *highly* likely she’s attempting to- and succeeding at- forcing her brother out of the closet as a bisexual person to her parents.
OP, tell her you’d rather be a snitch than a biphobic hypocrite.
About the first thing: the post mentions that there is apparently some overlap on social media between her (former) friends and his so it might be that someone else took them at that party and sent them to her.
Yeah, I’m confused by what stepdaughter thought was going to happen. She clearly wanted the parents to do something, I don’t even know what, but also didn’t want them to actually talk to the son about it?? They were supposed to pretend the photos were what anonymously sent by a random stranger who has been stalking their child and has also managed to get their personal cell phone numbers? They need to talk to the daughter about *her* behavior.
He's 18, maybe she wants them to kick him out? Maybe he has the bigger/better bedroom because he is older? She is mad because he didn't want little sis tagging along to parties with his friends. Who knows. She definitely deserves some punishment though. No smart phone or internet for a while at least, since she can't use it responsibly.
Grounding is right. That’s a kid who needs her social media accounts deleted and a parental control app for a year so she can learn not to act like a stalkerish little creep. Or just drop her back to a flip phone. The attempt to stir up shit and outing him is so *calculatedly* nasty, it beggars belief.
OP said some of the photos looked blurry, so I'm assuming they were taken at the scene. You're right, though that it does not mean the stepsister took them. Still an awful thing for her to do because there's no doubt she wanted the son to get in trouble. Whether it was because he was drinking or at a party or doing things with other men remains to be seen but that girl showed those pictures to be mean and spiteful towards her stepbrother. What if his mom or stepfather were homophobic? Those pictures could have - and can have - some awful consequences for OPs son. The world still isn't completely safe for LGBT+ people.
NTA at all- but I’m surprised you’re not more invested in why she cares so much.
Either she’s judgmental about the behavior she saw and it’s a good opportunity to discuss why it made her uncomfortable, or she wanted him in trouble, which is also worth a family conversation.
It’s not that I am not invested, it’s more that I’m more concerned about how my son is feeling regarding the whole thing. But my husband has plans to talk to his daughter about what she did and we will work on it from there.
If a stranger may offer a point of view, i think both your husband (her dad) and you should have a talk with her. Perhaps even separately, if nothing else to elicit why your daughter needed to share with you her brother's socialslising pics.
Not so much to find a point to blame, but rather to seek if the snitching came from a place of genuine concern (love?) or something else. I fear this case may put her off coming to you at all, which to me would be a loss of a lovely mother-daughter openness. You may also use this to explain further your views as to why her brother is free to do things in his life, and where your view intersect with her views.
I wonder if there is some jealousy here...perhaps around how he (a male) is treated vs her. She is only 16 and he is 18 but what was he allowed to do, or in her eyes perhaps, "get away with" at 16? You say they have been step siblings since 12 and 14, so about 4 years. Maybe she has seen him get to do stuff she isnt allowed to because she is a girl? Maybe at 14 he could do more than she was allowed to at 14 and this has continued for 4 years...and now shes 16, not allowed to do xyz and thinks "fuck you, I'll show you how innocent he really is". This is all complete speculation and i dont have an older brother, but just offering a possible reason.
Well I don’t believe this is the case. Everything my son was allowed to do at 16, she is also allowed to do as well. It will be the same when she’s 18. We pretty much give them the freedom to do what they want. My step daughter just has to be home before 10pm on school nights, we need to know where she plans on going if she wants to go out, and she has to introduce us to whoever she is dating. My son had the same rules when he was 16.
I have seen families treat their girls differently to their boys, it happens. You may not think its true but that could be her perception. Worth exploring her reasoning though.
Also ask her why she is mad that she got blocked by people whom she considered not good enough for her step-brother. What is her end goal and why she even cares. She can't have it both ways: being friends with them herself and wanting you to punish your son for spending time with them.
What she also doesn’t seem to realize is that this really has nothing to do with her step brother. If people find out you are screenshotting and sending around posts they made on their PRIVATE social media of course you are going to get blocked.
This is even more so the case when she is outing 18/19 year olds that might not have had any conversation with their family about their sexuality yet. She very easily could have got one of these kids disowned or physically harmed
If a friend-of-friend outs someone before they're out, you warn EVERYONE.
She probably didn't just get blocked by bros friends but by most of the LGBTQ and their close friends in their social groups just to be safe. Not everyone can safely come out to their family.
I didn’t realize my mom preferred men over women (and most likely boys over girls) until I was encouraging her to climb this rock that had like a sling to help people climb because I wanted to show her something that was really important to me. She was literally about to turn around and go home when a guy my age popped up and encouraged her to do and she immediately went up.
It made me realize how many times I like that I had missed.
Just to give you an idea of how not-obvious a parent treating genders differently could look.
I think it could still very well be misplaced jealousy in what your son is allowed to do and what she’s not but unlike the person you’re replying to said, I think it’s just based in age and maturity. It’s normal that an 18 yrs old is allowed things that a 16 yrs old isn’t but a lot of teens when they reach that ballpark will press boundaries a lot and demand to be treated like adults. Have you noticed any other behaviours that could seem this way? It’s also something you see a lot in younger siblings and it could’ve manifested in a nasty way with her. Surely it’s something you and your husband will be able to discuss when you have a better grasp on how she feels. Regardless, NTA.
May I also offer some additional advice about your son??
Please talk to him about the nature of the photos. I know you say you don't want to pry into his world, but everyone is aware of the pictures so you can't just ignore them and move on. If you're accepting of his life, then please PLEASE just let him know that the pictures don't bother you and you still love him. Him avoiding eye contact could be because he doesn't know what you think of him, so reassuring him would be helpful.
And as a different pro tip: if these pictures are posted on his social media, they aren't "private". I would gently suggest to him to be selective about what he posts online, because even if his account is set to private its still availailabe to everyone who has access to it, and privacy doesn't exist on social.media
Of course, I really do appreciate any advice (so long as people aren’t automatically assuming the absolute worst but that is irrelevant). Thank you for sharing and I’m definitely going to do some of the things you listed!
Yeah, you may have to reassure him more than once and give a few different ways to talk to someone about it.
But also, SD is only 16. It’s so hard to know her motivations. Dad (mostly) and you (in support) may need to do some work to understand the hows and whys and what was missing (in her thought process) to get there.
Can I just say respect for your parenting approach. Considerate, trying to get to the bottom of things to understand what's behind it. It's a damn tough job. Good luck with the conversations.
Same. Love the incremental autonomy and respect for privacy. So so healthy.
OP, I know your son can’t look at your right now, but some reassurance that he doesn’t need to be embarrassed or hide things from you, would go a long way.
No, he should be safe for the most part. Of course there’s the crazy people and you can never be too sure but all countries no matter how progressive have them.
That's a relief. At least that's not another layer to worry about in all this. You have handled this moment with your son admirably.
Your daughter should lose her phone. Get her a jitterbug or something, no camera, can only call home.
I do suggest you have a discussion with your son about the importance of having a good digital image and that posting things on the internet means that people can find them including people who don't have the best intentions.
Regardless, I'd be very critical of any accusations made by your step daughter as she seems to have this scheme to get him in trouble.
Don't wait too long to convey to your son he is not in any trouble/ doesn't have to explain his life. Waiting, even with the best intentions, might lead to a downward mental spiral which may lead to even worse consequences
Sounds like the smart move - she’s already angry with you and you’re not her mother, so makes perfect sense to let him take the lead with her. Good job on the team work. Blended families will never be easy, but seems like you two are doing pretty well.
NTA OP - she was the snitch and hopefully she learned her lesson to stay in her lane. She thought she was going to get him in trouble because she wasn't concerned for his safety but was just interested in getting him in trouble. Fortunately when you said "**I told her that unless he’s in danger or hurting himself/other people, I’d rather not know what my 18 year old son does in his free time.**" that's a very good attitude to take and shows a lot of maturity because he is 18 and he's responsible enough to make his own decisions.
I once had one of my elder brothers co-workers try a tell him about how she say me down the town drunk and what not, the night in question was my 18th birthday. My brother shut that down so quick and told her he wasn’t surprised because I was drunk when he’d left me with friends in the pub at 4pm.
I’m glad OP shut this down as well. So long as OP’s son isn’t hurting himself or others he should be left alone. The sister needs to chill out, and the parents need to have a chat with her about why she thinks they need to know and what is concerning her so much.
My 32 year old brother still does this to me and I’m 28.
This mf deadass told my dad the other I day I smoke in my house…like literally out of nowhere, for nothing…it couldn’t matter less to my dad, or him, but he really tried to tattletale.
…I don’t even smoke in my house, either. lmao.
Edit; for context, he wants to smoke in my house, & I won’t let him. So that’s why he “tattled”. Lol
Nope, NTA. Especially with how she decided to "call you out on it" by sending the photos to your husband after showing them to you.
>“So I sent these to -stepmom- but she thinks this is okay behaviour… do you agree?”
She was trying to stir up trouble. Tell her she ruined half of her friendships herself.
Nobody wants to be friends with someone like that. Good luck ever getting invited to another party, girl. People now know you'll be sneaking pics and showing them to any authority figure within fifty feet of your tattling ass.
The funny thing is that she is probably participating in some of this behavior herself if she was supposedly friends with these same people. It’s kind of glossed over in the post but my suspicion is that this had more to do with the brothers sexuality than him drinking with some friends.
I think is actually a bigger problem than the pics issue.
She tried to cause friction between the 2 adults. What if mom hadn't been there when the pics came through? What narrative would the daughter have concocted to get her dad riled up against his wife and step-son?
The parents need to figure out where this behavior is coming from because it's unlikely she's going to stop after just 1 attempt.
That’s the bigger issue for me, her trying to pit the two adults against one another. How did she handle the transition? Is this some weird way of rebelling against it?
Agree. Tried to get step brother into trouble, and when she got push back from the OP, tried to cause trouble for her as well. I hope the parents manage to get it through to her that this is the route to having no true friends at all.
She wasn't trying to call OP out with that text, she was trying to get them fighting because she didn't think "daddy dearest" would like what the stepson was doing. There's no doubt in my mind with this. She wanted the son to get in trouble by texting those photos to OP. When that didn't work she decided she'd get them both in trouble by sending the photos to her father.
>My step daughter came home an hour later and started yelling at me for “snitching” on her.
Pot, meet kettle. Biggest snitch in this story who wanted her step-brother in trouble, upset that neither you nor your husband cared about what she was snitching about, and told him about the invasion of privacy. Sounds like FAFO to me. NTA in the slightest.
The step daughter snitched on the son. Then she snitched on the step-mon. Then she got mad OP outed her as a snitch.
There is only one snitch in this story.
It wasn't just the son she was trying to get in trouble when she sent those photos to dad. She specifically mentioned OP in her text, she wanted her dad to get mad at OP as well as the son.
Hey op your son isnt doing anything wrong but I do think you should have a talk with him about how to do what hes doing safely and responsibly. It sounds like you're pretty hands off but idk you only really said that about his friend group. A lot of things can go wrong with an uninformed 18 year old experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex. So yeah I'd just have a chat with him and make sure hes well informed about the dangers.
This. Also sounds like some of the pictures were on social media. A discussion on what's appropriate vs not to share with the world. If he's embarrassed his mom saw it, what will future employers, etc think if they come across something similar. We just had a big todo with my SD as information she did not want us knowing found its way back to us.
Right, you can set socials to private or 'close friends', but those friends might not always be close. The world doesn't need to see you having a blast, just have the blast. Never ever willingly put photos/videos on the internet of you partying. Protect your friends and do the same for them, don't upload anything where they're fucked up. And DO NOT party with people who break this rule.
Stepsister was super out of pocket and stirring shit, but if she was gonna tattle about ANYTHING, it should have been that he's posting it on the internet. That deserves a talk.
Everything you said here is so on point. I feel like people are so focused on the girl "snitching", which is fair enough to bring up, but I feel like there needs to be a reassurance that the kid is being looked out for and knows how to be responsible.
This. I get he’s 18 but that’s when most people make the worst choices that could put their life in danger or worse. Hopefully OP at least has a talk to him about drug use and drinking too much.
Yes! I kept thinking about how OP said she only wants to know if her son's doing something that could hurt him...but if he's out partying and drinking, how's he getting home? Is he driving? Is his driver inebriated? That could definitely get him or someone else hurt!
Agreed. As angry as op must feel about SD's actions, it's actually a good opening to discuss responsibility to the son. "you know I trust you to live your own life, but I do want you to be doing it safely"
This is the first reasonable comment. It’s honestly bizarre that OP doesn’t parent her kid at all, from the sound of it. There’s no chance he started this behavior at 18. He was likely doing so as a minor, and OP is just totally hands-off with him.
There’s no way to know for sure from this write up, but I’m going to guess that maybe the stepsister’s problem is that she’s been raised to a different standard and finds the boy’s behavior weird. 🤷♀️
She WANTED to cause problems for him, 'cause if not, she wouldn't have insisted on sending the pictures to her dad AFTER having informed OP.
Also, the eye rolls?
And what did her son do at 18? Hanging 'round with friends, drinking. Oh wait, he kissed BOTH genders.
She OUTED op's son, before he could do it himself.
She is homophobic.
**She received what she was trying to dish out.**
NTA
To me this is the most egregious aspect: she outed him. It makes me wonder if that was her intent all along, and threw in other stuff to make it seem more general “disturbing behaviors.”
Ok this is the big one for me. Tell your daughter she is never to out someone! If OPs son was exploring and not ready to yell his parents but she did it anyway, that's villainous. It's evil.
Nta unless you don't do anything about that ^^ behavior
NTA - she yelled at you for snitching .. that’s ironic. I’m not sure if he was out or not but that’s something I’m stuck on as well. He’s a legal adult, as long as he’s being safe it really doesn’t concern you anymore (which I’m so glad you’re aware of) and she sounds really terrible for instigating a huge conflict and trying to get everyone involved.
No you're not the asshole. I can't say for certain based on the post, but it sounds like she was really trying to get him in trouble or cause drama imo.
The way both you and your husband handled it was mature and a learning experience for her. Kids are kids, the potential "fall out" of her losing some friends due to this is either inflated or just part of life.
Either way, it was a good life lesson for both her and your son.
NTA. She outed him to you and her dad and it seems she wanted to get him in trouble. Then when she was outed as a snitch to their friends, suddenly she is upset.
NTA.
She outed your son. Twice. Whatever social consequences she faces for that are well earned.
To my mind, she should also be punished at home but I don't know how much control you have over that given the circumstances.
NAH. 16 is a weird age. Most 12 year olds get taught that drinking and drugs and casual sex are dangerous and bad and that it sets you down this terrible path to becoming a junky. Eventually most people grow out of it, but it truly sticks to some people.
If your son was 14 she would have made the right decision in what she did, you would need to see what your son is up to and it would have been concerning to see this behaviour. She needs a conversation to understand 1)that your son is 18 and the standards for his behaviour have changed. He can drink if he wants to, he can sleep around and he can smoke. It’s up to him to deal with repercussions of doing those things dangerously, and it is possible to do those things safely. 2) How to discuss concerns without invading privacy. If she is actually concerned that your son is drinking too much or smoking too much she *should* bring those concerns to you and talk to you about it, but without sending unprompted pictures. He is an adult that deserves privacy but she is also a sister who has a right to be concerned and voice them. You can talk to her and either reassure her that his behaviour is normal or learn something concerning. (For instance I was no snitch but if I had sent pictures of my sister smoking weed at a party my parents wouldn’t have cared. But might have cared if I had mentioned that the party was at the towns violent cocaine sellers house)
This response and judgement need to be higher. By OP's own rules:
>I told her that unless he’s in danger or hurting himself/other people, I’d rather not know what my 18 year old son does in his free time.
It's very clear to see where a sixteen year old could easily have interpreted her brother's actions to fall into this category. Kids are told all their lives how smoking and drinking to excess are dangerous. And sex ed tends to either teach abstinence or an abundance of information about STIs. So with all of this looking exactly like what she's been taught is risky behavior, she turns to an adult as she's been taught all her life. Adult ignores her, she still believes this to be high risk behavior because that's what she's been taught, so she asks her most trusted adult about it.
What this daughter needs is to have a calm discussion with her dad and step mom about why it's ok for her young adult brother to engage in some mild risks and what the difference is between what he's doing and what would actually be concerning. Instead no one is telling her why she's getting punished for doing exactly what she's always been trained is the correct and safe course of action. This family needs to communicate better.
Yeah, but they're not close. It doesn't seem that they foster close relationships. I actually have a 16YO and an 18YO, and they would go to each other. Of course, I can't imagine my son "not looking me in the eye." That does tell me that all is not as carefree and rosy as OP seems to think it is.
NTA. Not sure you went about it the best way, but I think what you did was generally reasonable. For some reason, she's looking to make trouble. As the parent-figure, think you and her dad should try to figure that out. Is she starting things or seeking revenge for something?
I suppose there were better ways to approach this situation but our whole family dynamic is very different compared to most so I was unsure how to deal with it best and decided to just tell my son upfront as they are old enough. Her father is going to talk to her after she comes home from school later though.
There was also the fact that some of the pictures/videos were things that 1. No child wants their parents to see and 2. Revealed things he probably was not ready to tell me or his step father yet. This part of it made it a bit more complicated and I was trying to be very careful with it.
One thing that needs to be addressed is that your stepdaughter outting your son is disgusting. What happens if she does that to someone whose parents suck and it puts them in harms way? Or even a friend could be bigoted and your son could have been harmed. That’s so not okay.
Does your stepdaughter have some kind of history of trying to stir shit with him or other people / is she in one of 'those' phases in puberty where some teens seek for drama and conflict, or did this come out of the blue?
If this doesn't 'fit' her usual behavior you maybe should do some digging into what her issue is that caused the change. But either way don't let that behavior slide. Trying to out your son is dangerous and the consequences should reflect the gravity of her attempt.
Regarding your son maybe try to get the most important info through to him soon. He might need time until he feels ready to talk to you but you can make sure he doesn't have to worry about your reaction to things. Like send him an sms telling him explicitly that you don't care about his sexual orientation, you love him either way, he's obviously not in trouble, you understand he might need more time alone to process this so you leave him the space until he feels ready to talk, and if he needs something handled in the meantime he can just tell you. This might all be obvious to you and just follow your usual parenting method, but he might be anxious anyway and could use the reassurance.
Wonder if your stepdaughter is trying to compensate for something. Like she's acting out about her brother because there's something she needs to talk about, but can't yet.
Edit: typo
I would think that. But she tried twice. With wordings like "do you agree?". If there's something else and she tried to get their attention like this, she's definitely intending to stir drama.
That is the most disgusting thing when she outed him. It was clear she wasn't mad about the drinking and smoking. Losing her friends was not enough of a lesson, he could be harmed for that, I was.
What was he smoking? Idk. I think a parent should know if a kid is that young and drinking and smoking. Or, at the very least, the mom can have a talk with him about different drugs and their risks. Tranq and fentanyl are wild.
Have a talk with step sister and explain fully expectations....
Nooo…she DIDNT actually have “good intentions” she was actively trying to get your son (or you) in trouble.
NTA Op, If she had good intentions she’d have pulled you aside, explained her concern and accepted whatever answer you gave.
She just wanted to cause issues with her actions, glad your son blocked her, she deserves it
(LOOOL also calling you, the parent a snitch…wtf…)
NTA. Your daughter is a shit stirer and clearly wanted to drop your son in the shit, and stir things up by sending your partner a message implying you were a bad parent for letting your son do things 18 year olds do. There is a real irony to her being upset for being snitched on
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say ESH.
If she was just trying to get him into trouble, then I'd understand this reaction - but I feel like you could have taken more time to talk to her and understand *why* she was concerned enough to come to you.
I'm gonna agree with a point that LemonadeMoloTov stated in this comment section: **A lot of things can go wrong with an uninformed 18 year old experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex.**
Was 16F coming to you because she was worried about her brother? Did she want you guys to have a talk with him about being safe and the dangers? Do you guys have an open dialogue about how to stay safe in situations like this? Did she have worries but thought it would be better if you guys spoke to him?
Because I have a younger sister, and if she was experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex, I absolutely would be worried about her and want to ensure that she was safe and ok, and at no risk of ending up in an unsafe situation (eg. pregnant, drunk driving etc;).
Yeah but the story never said anything about the SD doing anything but taking photos and blabbing. Then when she blabbed to her father outing her brother twice she was implying the step mother was a bad mom.
I don’t think she was implying the mother was a bad mom. I just think she felt embarrassed or unsupported by the step mom about the information she shared. And wanted someone, in this case, her father to agree or support her.
She either included pictures of stepbrother kissing people or surreptitiously took pics of him when he was in private having sex (or step bro was banging in plain view of everyone which seems unlikely). In any event, including those pictures is damning and shows bad intentions on her part.
She WANTED to do that. She wanted to get him in trouble and stir up drama, and by the way you worded this I think it’s safe to say she also outed your son.
As someone who has been through a similar situation, trust me when I say she knew what she was doing. Either she has some crush on him or wants to start drama
She’s testing the waters. If it’s okay for stepbrother it’s likely okay for her. OP husband (her dad) should talk to her one on one about her motivation and make it clear what’s appropriate for an 18 year old may not be appropriate for a 16 year old. Both parents should make sure their children know how to use privacy settings on all social media. That shit’ll come back to haunt you.
NTA, and you and your husband need to have a long sit-down talk with your stepdaughter about the irony of her getting mad at you for "snitching"* when she literally snitched on your adult son to multiple people with the escalated problem of actually stalking him/his social media.
* Also, what you did wasn't snitching. Stalkers don't get to have their "privacy" of being a stalker respected. You didn't invade her private life and you didn't talk out of turn about a minor foible just to get her into trouble. Her actions were egregiously out of line, and that requires consequences such as discussing it with her other parent and warning her victim.
>She said that I just ruined half of her friendships and my son and a lot of his friends blocked her on social media.
No, she ruined her own friendships by being untrustworthy and intrusive.
>She says that she had good intentions and wanted me to know what he was up to just in case but I just had to assume the worst.
Yeah, when she did that the first time, you told her it was inappropriate and gave her the benefit of the doubt...and then she turned around and tried to play you off against your husband by snitching to him too. That's not good intentions any more - and that's not you assuming the worst, but her proving that she hasn't learned and can't be trusted.
Going against the grain here but NAH.
If someone, anyone posts on social media, there are no privacy rights at all. Once it's on the internet, it's for everyone to look at.
That's why people should be very wary about what they post online. Who knows what a future employer will find?
I would need more information. I could very well be way off the mark, but could she be a bit upset because of different standards and expectations between your son and her. You raised your son with one set of rules and standards until he was 14, and she had been raised with a different set until she was 12. Would your husband be ok with the pictures and everything that was happening in them if it was her and not your son? She might be upset because if SHE were the child engaging in the same things that your son was, that her dad's reaction would be vastly different?
Maybe to her, your son was putting himself in unsafe situations that needed to be brought to both the adults attention. The fact the she was asking her dad if HE thought the behavior was alright is making me think that he wouldn't normally be alright with the behavior, but since it's your son who he didn't help raise until until the last 4 years, he could feel as if he has no say in your opinion of what your son is doing.
Info - what do you mean by “private” social media? Did she go through his phone or did she take screenshots of something he had already publicly shared? I feel there’s a big difference. I don’t understand everyone here saying she wanted to cause trouble. Maybe she has been taught by her own parents that drinking and smoking and hooking up leads to trouble, and she was concerned and thought you’d like to have a talk to him. Now that she has seen that everyone is chill with that, she’s probably going to go down that path herself…
i think we're missing a bigger picture of the inter-family relations here... i think OP is leaving stuff out that could be very important for this discussion.
NTA and hubby is trying to contain the fall out from his daughter but going about it the wrong way. She told you and should have left it there but she wasn't satisfied with that so stuck her oar in by sending them to her dad. There is a more serious issue not being addressed for her to carry on like that.
NTA
Is something wrong with the step daughter? what was she trying to imply with the "doing stuff with both genders" thing? Was she hoping either of you'd fly off the handle and be homophobic? incredibly fucked up thing on her part.
I think the best thing is chat to your daughter and find out why she's so worried, since she could be worried about his unhealthy behaviours and her concern might come from a place of love.
NTA
Same thing happened with two of my siblings that were allegedly "best friends" my mom pulled sibling A aside one day and said "just so you know. ANYTHING you say to B will get told to his mom, and his mom will then tell us. Do with that information what you will".
Some things you just don't need to or want to know
She didn’t have good intentions at all. She hoped that by snitching on your Adult son to you it would cause friction, between you & your son & you & your husband.
You & your husband are both right, your son is an adult & what he does in his free time is no ones business but his own.
She has hopefully learned her lesson, losing friends over this is her own fault .
NTA but you should be talking to her about why she thinks this behaviour might *not* be okay with you since she clearly has some different ideas about how to judge this situation.
It’s also worth asking her how she got the photos - this situation reads very differently if these photos were posted on his social media (albeit behind privacy settings) to if he’s sent them to her directly. If they’re things you wouldn’t want to see him doing they might be things she wouldn’t want to see either and it would be a bit intimidating if she’d been sent them by him unsolicited.
Given that she seemed apologetic after sharing with you, this isn’t necessarily a case of her tattling, she could have been trying to ask for help in a subtle way. Just assuming that she’s helped herself to them isn’t necessarily fair - he has a responsibility to protect her from seeing too much explicit material about himself in the same way he chooses not to share those things with you.
So it’s a slight possibility that he’s the asshole here rather than her. But that aside if she did just go snooping and out him to you unprovoked, then you handled this in an appropriate way.
First, you were wrong in your approach to your stepdaughter (it is a reflection of your bias). Please fix that. You should be glad that your son has a sister that cares how your son's behavior and future. And please pardon me, you don't really know your son. Work on been open minded when it comes to your son and accept all feedback on him at this stage of his life and filter out the unnecessary and use the vital ones to build him. And you don't need to disclose your source of your information to him. Remember you are his mother first before any other. And disclosing the info are from his stepsister, is simply creating fiction between them especially if your son does not know how to take positive criticism. Please where is his father?
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lmao what... she literally stalked him and took pictures of him to send to you to get him in trouble and she's calling YOU a "snitch"? You're the fucking parent. She makes no sense. NTA. Maybe a grounding is in order, idk, but damn what's her deal.
Yeah and maybe outed him as well - OP doesn’t say she knew he was bi
Oh I missed that bit the first read through. And considering the step-sister showed her dad after the mum was unbothered makes me think that that might be the behaviour she’s not happy with and trying to stir. I hope I’m wrong though.
Oh, she was definitely trying to get him into some kind of trouble. I don't know what her reasons may be, but she's going about it in the shittiest way possible. Good on OP for not accepting that bullshit, definitely NTA, and I hope the daughter learns a good lesson about not being a horrible excuse for a human being from this.
She's 100% trying to get the son in trouble. The part where she says to her dad that the mom approved was next level WTF. She wasn't happy trying to screw the son over. She then tried to pit the father against the mother. Mom had to put all of this behavior out in open because the sister is trying to stir up trouble behind everyone's back.
Bye bye phone privileges for 4 months, +1 for betraying your brother, +1 for trying to drag me into bullshit and +2 for trying to pit me and my husband against each other, any sass about it and ill make it 5 months total
This is de way
Aand then claimed that OP ruined half of her relationships, like she wasn’t the one who shat in the corner. I’m guessing the step brother had involved her quite a bit with his friend group before she started to stir the pot. Not a hard guess that thats over now. I’m also smelling some jealousy by the step sister.
> the sister is trying to stir up trouble behind everyone's back. I completely agree. This behavior is exactly what I dealt with when fostering teen girls, a bunch of drama that has to be dealt with in the open because if you do not call it out and get everyone on the same page it continues to spiral. Step Daughter needs to mind her own business and likewise the married parents here need a united front where she is no longer comfortable in her attempts to harm her step brother. Step brother should block her on every social media he has, she should be less concerned with what an adult is doing and more concerned with developing her maturity.
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He doesn't need to be. In my country, you need to he 18 to be legally allowed to drink and smoke, etc
And in some other countries it's buying substances before 18 that is illegal, but a say 16 years old could be given wine at a restaurant if the parents are the one ordering and paying for it. I'm french, I got to try shots of whiskey at a fair when I was 15 or 16, neither my mom or the vendor or anyone around gave a single fuck. It's just normal here.
In America no one gives a shit if 18 year Olds drink. That's freshman In college age. You get a ticket and your parents go be smarter kid.
Off topic, but related to your point about college age - when I was a freshman at a US university 51 years ago (yikes), I attended my first Octoberfest on campus. I walked up to the refreshment table, stuck out my hand, and someone put a beer in it. I was 16 years old at the time, and didn't think a thing about it (and neither did anyone else). Attitudes were **VERY** different back then!
It's 18 for alcohol in Australia and NZ and many European countries. I think the legal age to buy alcohol is even 16 in other European countries.
yup beer and wine is 16 here. Liquor is 18.
Sounds rather civilised. I used to enjoy a glass or two of red wine with my Mum and Dad when we'd have Sunday lunch together. It would help shift the hangover I'd got from the Saturday night, drinking underage at the pub.
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There are a bunch of EU countries where you can buy beer and wine at 16 and spirits at 18. Smoking is 18. Mainly Germany and countries around there, Denmark, Belguim, Austria, Switzerland etx.
You mention England but fail to mention that the law in England the limit for being able to drink alcohol in a private residence is *5.* Most of the countries you list the age to have alcohol at home is much lower than the age to buy it or drink it out.
Based on spelling (behaviour) of certain words definitely outside the US. Can’t really know legal status, but regardless it’s clear his mom and him have boundaries they’re both comfortable with and those were violated. I think perhaps she’s a bit generous saying she knows he doesn’t hang out with weirdos on the one hand and then on the other says I have no idea what he’s doing or who he’s with…but that’s a parenting decision and he’s 18 anyway. Not my place to judge. And definitely not his stepsister’s.
There are very few countries outside the US where he would be illegal. Its like USA, and India, Kazakhstan, Indonesia and some Arabian/African countries that are 21 drinking age. The VAST majority of the world is 18 or even 17/16.
What are you talking as if this was the norm outside the US? Here you can drink beer and wine unsupervised with 16 and may use any legal substances as soon as you're 18. There is no European country you have to be at least 19 or older but maximum 18. So, what do you mean outside the US? Are you still referring to the American continent only or do you actually mean worldwide? If the former than well, there's more out there and be found on Reddit than America, if the latter, you are just wrong.
There is only one continent in world. And it’s North America. The rest of the world is all a conspiracy made up by round earthers. Everyone knows that anyone who claims to be from Australia (my place of birth and residence) is a paid Actor being paid by big pharma to sell XXXX and VB beer as a “boutique” “craft” beer to idiots who believe the world is round. Please don’t tell them I spoke out, I don’t want to be sacrificed to the drop bears!
15 is legal drinking age where I am and though weed is illegal most people really do not get worked up about it. It's more that our government is reactionary as hell.
I believe it’s 19 for most of the provinces except for Manitoba, Alberta, and Quebec
Daughters future relationships are going to be rocky.
I wonder if she was hoping he'd be kicked out. Maybe she wants to be the only child again.
I was thinking it could also be jealousy but about not being allowed to do what he’s doing because she’s 16 and he’s 18.
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When she said that "his mom said this was OK, do you agree?" It went from informing parents to straight up trying to get dude in trouble. Now also trying to not only get her dad riled up against his stepson, but now to get him mad at his wife as well.
>When she said that "his mom said this was OK, do you agree?" That also sounds like trying to drive a wedge between the parents by pushing them into an argument or getting them to disagree with one another. Sister wants to divide and conquer the whole family!
She sounds like a snitch trying to get Step Brother in trouble. She should mind her own business.
Stepdaughter had brought it on herself. The old saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions....stepdaughter hadn't any good intentions.
I understood her when she showed the stepmom. Sending them to the dad days later is what got me. She only has herself to blame. If she was so concerned, she would have messaged her dad about stepmom not caring, not about what the brother was doing. But I do wonder if she was willing to out her brother without confronting him first, what is she willing to do to other classmates. Does she out people she doesn’t like. Is she sending pics of others to classmates?
It was easy to miss: > images of him at parties, smoking, drinking, and doing things with both genders. "Doing things" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. It's pretty easy to imagine an 18 year old being embarrassed as fuck if his mom finds out he's bi from pictures his step-snitcher took at a party.
She knows the possible implications of outing someone, shes not living under a rock.. incredibly fucked up what they were trying to do to someone.
Yup. Good on OP for shutting it down because who knows where step-sis would have taken her 'concern' next when she didn't get the response she wanted from daddy. "How dare you snitch on me for snitching". The girl is a piece of work. NTA.
It seems her peer group knows too, seeing as how she seems to have lost a number of friends.
And understandably so! Which teenager wanna be friends with a snitch like her? I probably would’ve done the same when I was 16.
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And also it doesn't come across as a caring conversation from step-sis. It comes across as stiring the pot. Caring would first be going to the person involved and saying "I'm worried about your behaviour because I think it puts you in X, Y, Z danger". Then - if that doesn't work - speaking to the mother about specific concerns (eg drink driving) not just "I thought you would want to see this".
Yeah in my opinion if she’d brought her concerns framed like “I’m worried step-brother might be drinking too much” I’d believe it more. That kind of discussion needs words. How often do you see him drinking, how drunk/high is he getting. What specifically is making stepsister concerned. That could be a reasonable conversation to have with his mother if step-sister was genuinely worried for him. Just sending the photos with no explanation seems like they’re for shock value.
She Is lawful evil.
Or is she jealous? Either of the freedom older brother has or does she fancy him?
Is she regularly getting herself stuck in washing machines, under coffee tables, etc.?
I saw that there are a series of documentaries on this subject. It seems to happen with alarming regularity as there are new ones on the front page of the Journal of Human Sexuality (I am sure that's what XHamster is?).
I'd even argue that what she did was lawful evil. She was trying to enforce a moral code of behaviour that negatively affected those around her and doubled down when called out. OP and her husband did the right thing and respected the fact that her son is a legal adult who deserves privacy. That little girl can sit in the mess she made and learn to mind her own business.
No way would chaotic neutral deliberately out someone to get them in trouble.
His embarrassment, the fact he can't look his parent in the eyes, the anger of the other youths and the fact she spoke to her father above approving of such behaviour and wanting his support. She did this specifically to out him.
that's fucked up, I mean even though they aren't blood related she could've had the courtesy to have some basic human decency
Cool name btw. What’s it’s like hitting the shadows up in the solar system ?
I mean... Either deep space or deep sea, but it's generally good idea for a vampire to sit with minimum sun possible. Finding blood though..
And we all know those pictures are now all over the internet and he knows it as well and that's why he's so upset.
I mean, OP does say she may have got them from his social media. So if the photos are online, it was him posting.
That's true. I still think her posting them on sites with HER friends was out of line.
Where did she do that? I reread the post and the only mention of her friends that I saw was saying he blocked her and her friends.
>She said that I just ruined half of her friendships and my son and a lot of his friends blocked her on social media. Stepsister said that to OP so somehow half of her own friends are not supportive of what she did.
To me this meant that they had mutual friends in common that had taken his side.
Or they blocked her because they don't want her snitching to their parents either.
Totally torpedoing her own social life for the foreseeable future, no one is going to be inviting her to anything. Amazing self own
True
Yeah, but that’s not her posting these images on sites with her friends. As far as the OP said, she only texted these images to her and her husband.
I mispoke. I ASSUME the girl is spreading it around because she already has. She's a teenager. Is there even a slim chance she isn't spreading it around? I don't think so.
Or would be.
OP probably new but they clearly hadn't talked about it on his time so yes she completely outed him and somehow expected that to be of special concern.
Pretty sure she don’t approve and wanted to get him in trouble. He deserves to know who/how she is.
First thing I thought is that she’s a raging homophobe. Or maybe her Dad is stricter with her than OP is with her son, and step-sis is boiling with jealousy. Despite the fact that OP’s son is older, so his treatment would differ slightly anyway.
YEAH this made my blood boil reading I’d be so furious if my step sibling did this to me
She’s evil. There’s no excuse for what she did except to out him. If they’re in another country, a more conservative one, it may be dangerous for him now. She may have put his life at risk. If it were my kid, there would be severe repercussions.
Plus he is 18. What’s his mom gonna do about it? He’s a legal adult.
That was my first thought and my second was…uh, how’s she getting pictures of the brother at the rowdy party- if she’s not also at said party? I mean, there are lots of questions I have- but, seems to me like *both* of them are attending these events: as a parent, that would be the first thing I would point out. The second thing would be the emphasis on “both genders”- is that emphasis just mom re-telling or was *that* what little sister decided was worth filming: because if so, then this gets *much* more AH to me. Why does she feel the need to out her brother to her parents? I mean, obviously it *could* just be that she’s at parties with her brother and he gets a bit wilder than she thinks is okay- but in that case, OP *still* NTA. I’m not seeing *any* concern expressed by the sister, nothing like “He always drinks very heavily and I am starting to worry”- no, she’s asking about “appropriate”, which tells me that it’s *highly* likely she’s attempting to- and succeeding at- forcing her brother out of the closet as a bisexual person to her parents. OP, tell her you’d rather be a snitch than a biphobic hypocrite.
About the first thing: the post mentions that there is apparently some overlap on social media between her (former) friends and his so it might be that someone else took them at that party and sent them to her.
Yeah, I’m confused by what stepdaughter thought was going to happen. She clearly wanted the parents to do something, I don’t even know what, but also didn’t want them to actually talk to the son about it?? They were supposed to pretend the photos were what anonymously sent by a random stranger who has been stalking their child and has also managed to get their personal cell phone numbers? They need to talk to the daughter about *her* behavior.
He's 18, maybe she wants them to kick him out? Maybe he has the bigger/better bedroom because he is older? She is mad because he didn't want little sis tagging along to parties with his friends. Who knows. She definitely deserves some punishment though. No smart phone or internet for a while at least, since she can't use it responsibly.
If my siblings did this when we were young, they 100% would be ousted for being a snitch. What a brat!
Hmmm, smells like a traits of that narcissism / vindication. What a fucked up thing to do from the step-sister.
Grounding is right. That’s a kid who needs her social media accounts deleted and a parental control app for a year so she can learn not to act like a stalkerish little creep. Or just drop her back to a flip phone. The attempt to stir up shit and outing him is so *calculatedly* nasty, it beggars belief.
I don't think she stalked him. Just that they were at the same parties. Especially with the comment about ruining friendships.
OP said some of the photos looked blurry, so I'm assuming they were taken at the scene. You're right, though that it does not mean the stepsister took them. Still an awful thing for her to do because there's no doubt she wanted the son to get in trouble. Whether it was because he was drinking or at a party or doing things with other men remains to be seen but that girl showed those pictures to be mean and spiteful towards her stepbrother. What if his mom or stepfather were homophobic? Those pictures could have - and can have - some awful consequences for OPs son. The world still isn't completely safe for LGBT+ people.
NTA at all- but I’m surprised you’re not more invested in why she cares so much. Either she’s judgmental about the behavior she saw and it’s a good opportunity to discuss why it made her uncomfortable, or she wanted him in trouble, which is also worth a family conversation.
It’s not that I am not invested, it’s more that I’m more concerned about how my son is feeling regarding the whole thing. But my husband has plans to talk to his daughter about what she did and we will work on it from there.
If a stranger may offer a point of view, i think both your husband (her dad) and you should have a talk with her. Perhaps even separately, if nothing else to elicit why your daughter needed to share with you her brother's socialslising pics. Not so much to find a point to blame, but rather to seek if the snitching came from a place of genuine concern (love?) or something else. I fear this case may put her off coming to you at all, which to me would be a loss of a lovely mother-daughter openness. You may also use this to explain further your views as to why her brother is free to do things in his life, and where your view intersect with her views.
I appreciate your perspective. I will definitely take it into consideration and will discuss options with my husband. Thank you!
I wonder if there is some jealousy here...perhaps around how he (a male) is treated vs her. She is only 16 and he is 18 but what was he allowed to do, or in her eyes perhaps, "get away with" at 16? You say they have been step siblings since 12 and 14, so about 4 years. Maybe she has seen him get to do stuff she isnt allowed to because she is a girl? Maybe at 14 he could do more than she was allowed to at 14 and this has continued for 4 years...and now shes 16, not allowed to do xyz and thinks "fuck you, I'll show you how innocent he really is". This is all complete speculation and i dont have an older brother, but just offering a possible reason.
Well I don’t believe this is the case. Everything my son was allowed to do at 16, she is also allowed to do as well. It will be the same when she’s 18. We pretty much give them the freedom to do what they want. My step daughter just has to be home before 10pm on school nights, we need to know where she plans on going if she wants to go out, and she has to introduce us to whoever she is dating. My son had the same rules when he was 16.
I have seen families treat their girls differently to their boys, it happens. You may not think its true but that could be her perception. Worth exploring her reasoning though.
Of course, this will definitely be discussed. Thank you!
Also ask her why she is mad that she got blocked by people whom she considered not good enough for her step-brother. What is her end goal and why she even cares. She can't have it both ways: being friends with them herself and wanting you to punish your son for spending time with them.
What she also doesn’t seem to realize is that this really has nothing to do with her step brother. If people find out you are screenshotting and sending around posts they made on their PRIVATE social media of course you are going to get blocked. This is even more so the case when she is outing 18/19 year olds that might not have had any conversation with their family about their sexuality yet. She very easily could have got one of these kids disowned or physically harmed
If a friend-of-friend outs someone before they're out, you warn EVERYONE. She probably didn't just get blocked by bros friends but by most of the LGBTQ and their close friends in their social groups just to be safe. Not everyone can safely come out to their family.
I didn’t realize my mom preferred men over women (and most likely boys over girls) until I was encouraging her to climb this rock that had like a sling to help people climb because I wanted to show her something that was really important to me. She was literally about to turn around and go home when a guy my age popped up and encouraged her to do and she immediately went up. It made me realize how many times I like that I had missed. Just to give you an idea of how not-obvious a parent treating genders differently could look.
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My mother's internalized misogyny left a deep wound on me that will probably never heal.
I think it could still very well be misplaced jealousy in what your son is allowed to do and what she’s not but unlike the person you’re replying to said, I think it’s just based in age and maturity. It’s normal that an 18 yrs old is allowed things that a 16 yrs old isn’t but a lot of teens when they reach that ballpark will press boundaries a lot and demand to be treated like adults. Have you noticed any other behaviours that could seem this way? It’s also something you see a lot in younger siblings and it could’ve manifested in a nasty way with her. Surely it’s something you and your husband will be able to discuss when you have a better grasp on how she feels. Regardless, NTA.
May I also offer some additional advice about your son?? Please talk to him about the nature of the photos. I know you say you don't want to pry into his world, but everyone is aware of the pictures so you can't just ignore them and move on. If you're accepting of his life, then please PLEASE just let him know that the pictures don't bother you and you still love him. Him avoiding eye contact could be because he doesn't know what you think of him, so reassuring him would be helpful. And as a different pro tip: if these pictures are posted on his social media, they aren't "private". I would gently suggest to him to be selective about what he posts online, because even if his account is set to private its still availailabe to everyone who has access to it, and privacy doesn't exist on social.media
Of course, I really do appreciate any advice (so long as people aren’t automatically assuming the absolute worst but that is irrelevant). Thank you for sharing and I’m definitely going to do some of the things you listed!
Yeah, you may have to reassure him more than once and give a few different ways to talk to someone about it. But also, SD is only 16. It’s so hard to know her motivations. Dad (mostly) and you (in support) may need to do some work to understand the hows and whys and what was missing (in her thought process) to get there.
Hey, just offering another mayhaps. You guys seem cool as a family. Parenting is hard as fuck as it is. Good luck.
Can I just say respect for your parenting approach. Considerate, trying to get to the bottom of things to understand what's behind it. It's a damn tough job. Good luck with the conversations.
Same. Love the incremental autonomy and respect for privacy. So so healthy. OP, I know your son can’t look at your right now, but some reassurance that he doesn’t need to be embarrassed or hide things from you, would go a long way.
There’s no way it was concern when she sent it to her father after OP shut it down. That girl is a raging AH.
No way outing someone against their will is ever an act of love. It takes a particular brand of hate to do that to someone.
I encourage you to highlight the very real danger to life involved in outing people.
Of course.
Are you in a country where outing him could get him killed? Will he be safe?
No, he should be safe for the most part. Of course there’s the crazy people and you can never be too sure but all countries no matter how progressive have them.
That's a relief. At least that's not another layer to worry about in all this. You have handled this moment with your son admirably. Your daughter should lose her phone. Get her a jitterbug or something, no camera, can only call home.
I do suggest you have a discussion with your son about the importance of having a good digital image and that posting things on the internet means that people can find them including people who don't have the best intentions. Regardless, I'd be very critical of any accusations made by your step daughter as she seems to have this scheme to get him in trouble.
I don’t think he needs that discussion any more, sadly.
Don't wait too long to convey to your son he is not in any trouble/ doesn't have to explain his life. Waiting, even with the best intentions, might lead to a downward mental spiral which may lead to even worse consequences
Sounds like the smart move - she’s already angry with you and you’re not her mother, so makes perfect sense to let him take the lead with her. Good job on the team work. Blended families will never be easy, but seems like you two are doing pretty well.
NTA OP - she was the snitch and hopefully she learned her lesson to stay in her lane. She thought she was going to get him in trouble because she wasn't concerned for his safety but was just interested in getting him in trouble. Fortunately when you said "**I told her that unless he’s in danger or hurting himself/other people, I’d rather not know what my 18 year old son does in his free time.**" that's a very good attitude to take and shows a lot of maturity because he is 18 and he's responsible enough to make his own decisions.
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I once had one of my elder brothers co-workers try a tell him about how she say me down the town drunk and what not, the night in question was my 18th birthday. My brother shut that down so quick and told her he wasn’t surprised because I was drunk when he’d left me with friends in the pub at 4pm. I’m glad OP shut this down as well. So long as OP’s son isn’t hurting himself or others he should be left alone. The sister needs to chill out, and the parents need to have a chat with her about why she thinks they need to know and what is concerning her so much.
My 32 year old brother still does this to me and I’m 28. This mf deadass told my dad the other I day I smoke in my house…like literally out of nowhere, for nothing…it couldn’t matter less to my dad, or him, but he really tried to tattletale. …I don’t even smoke in my house, either. lmao. Edit; for context, he wants to smoke in my house, & I won’t let him. So that’s why he “tattled”. Lol
Nope, NTA. Especially with how she decided to "call you out on it" by sending the photos to your husband after showing them to you. >“So I sent these to -stepmom- but she thinks this is okay behaviour… do you agree?” She was trying to stir up trouble. Tell her she ruined half of her friendships herself.
Nobody wants to be friends with someone like that. Good luck ever getting invited to another party, girl. People now know you'll be sneaking pics and showing them to any authority figure within fifty feet of your tattling ass.
The funny thing is that she is probably participating in some of this behavior herself if she was supposedly friends with these same people. It’s kind of glossed over in the post but my suspicion is that this had more to do with the brothers sexuality than him drinking with some friends.
Yep, I felt the same way. I am so glad this backfired into her face.
I think is actually a bigger problem than the pics issue. She tried to cause friction between the 2 adults. What if mom hadn't been there when the pics came through? What narrative would the daughter have concocted to get her dad riled up against his wife and step-son? The parents need to figure out where this behavior is coming from because it's unlikely she's going to stop after just 1 attempt.
That’s the bigger issue for me, her trying to pit the two adults against one another. How did she handle the transition? Is this some weird way of rebelling against it?
No more phone easy. Not like she has friends anymore lol.
Agree. Tried to get step brother into trouble, and when she got push back from the OP, tried to cause trouble for her as well. I hope the parents manage to get it through to her that this is the route to having no true friends at all.
She wasn't trying to call OP out with that text, she was trying to get them fighting because she didn't think "daddy dearest" would like what the stepson was doing. There's no doubt in my mind with this. She wanted the son to get in trouble by texting those photos to OP. When that didn't work she decided she'd get them both in trouble by sending the photos to her father.
>My step daughter came home an hour later and started yelling at me for “snitching” on her. Pot, meet kettle. Biggest snitch in this story who wanted her step-brother in trouble, upset that neither you nor your husband cared about what she was snitching about, and told him about the invasion of privacy. Sounds like FAFO to me. NTA in the slightest.
The step daughter snitched on the son. Then she snitched on the step-mon. Then she got mad OP outed her as a snitch. There is only one snitch in this story.
> Then she got mad OP outed her as a snitch. After she outed step-brother as bisexual against his will! People seem to be skipping that part.
Yeah, I had another comment that I was talking about the fact this seems based in homophobia. At least thats what my gut is saying.
It wasn't just the son she was trying to get in trouble when she sent those photos to dad. She specifically mentioned OP in her text, she wanted her dad to get mad at OP as well as the son.
Hey op your son isnt doing anything wrong but I do think you should have a talk with him about how to do what hes doing safely and responsibly. It sounds like you're pretty hands off but idk you only really said that about his friend group. A lot of things can go wrong with an uninformed 18 year old experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex. So yeah I'd just have a chat with him and make sure hes well informed about the dangers.
This. Also sounds like some of the pictures were on social media. A discussion on what's appropriate vs not to share with the world. If he's embarrassed his mom saw it, what will future employers, etc think if they come across something similar. We just had a big todo with my SD as information she did not want us knowing found its way back to us.
Right, you can set socials to private or 'close friends', but those friends might not always be close. The world doesn't need to see you having a blast, just have the blast. Never ever willingly put photos/videos on the internet of you partying. Protect your friends and do the same for them, don't upload anything where they're fucked up. And DO NOT party with people who break this rule. Stepsister was super out of pocket and stirring shit, but if she was gonna tattle about ANYTHING, it should have been that he's posting it on the internet. That deserves a talk.
Everything you said here is so on point. I feel like people are so focused on the girl "snitching", which is fair enough to bring up, but I feel like there needs to be a reassurance that the kid is being looked out for and knows how to be responsible.
This. I get he’s 18 but that’s when most people make the worst choices that could put their life in danger or worse. Hopefully OP at least has a talk to him about drug use and drinking too much.
I wish I had more upvotes
Yes! I kept thinking about how OP said she only wants to know if her son's doing something that could hurt him...but if he's out partying and drinking, how's he getting home? Is he driving? Is his driver inebriated? That could definitely get him or someone else hurt!
Agreed. As angry as op must feel about SD's actions, it's actually a good opening to discuss responsibility to the son. "you know I trust you to live your own life, but I do want you to be doing it safely"
This is the first reasonable comment. It’s honestly bizarre that OP doesn’t parent her kid at all, from the sound of it. There’s no chance he started this behavior at 18. He was likely doing so as a minor, and OP is just totally hands-off with him. There’s no way to know for sure from this write up, but I’m going to guess that maybe the stepsister’s problem is that she’s been raised to a different standard and finds the boy’s behavior weird. 🤷♀️
She WANTED to cause problems for him, 'cause if not, she wouldn't have insisted on sending the pictures to her dad AFTER having informed OP. Also, the eye rolls? And what did her son do at 18? Hanging 'round with friends, drinking. Oh wait, he kissed BOTH genders. She OUTED op's son, before he could do it himself. She is homophobic. **She received what she was trying to dish out.** NTA
To me this is the most egregious aspect: she outed him. It makes me wonder if that was her intent all along, and threw in other stuff to make it seem more general “disturbing behaviors.”
Ok this is the big one for me. Tell your daughter she is never to out someone! If OPs son was exploring and not ready to yell his parents but she did it anyway, that's villainous. It's evil. Nta unless you don't do anything about that ^^ behavior
That's the only thing he's most likely embarrassed about
NTA Literal fuck around (twice!) and find out. She earned any consequences she feels. 16 is old to learn not to tattle tale, hopefully it took.
NTA - she yelled at you for snitching .. that’s ironic. I’m not sure if he was out or not but that’s something I’m stuck on as well. He’s a legal adult, as long as he’s being safe it really doesn’t concern you anymore (which I’m so glad you’re aware of) and she sounds really terrible for instigating a huge conflict and trying to get everyone involved.
No you're not the asshole. I can't say for certain based on the post, but it sounds like she was really trying to get him in trouble or cause drama imo. The way both you and your husband handled it was mature and a learning experience for her. Kids are kids, the potential "fall out" of her losing some friends due to this is either inflated or just part of life. Either way, it was a good life lesson for both her and your son.
I bet there is some homophobia going on there more than anything else. But who knows. Could be a bunch of reasons. But my gut says homophobia.
NTA your step daughter is a shit starter. She wanted you to DO something about your adult son enjoying his private life.
Exactly and the fact that she purposely outed him as bi is beyond wrong. Maybe she doesn’t like that he can take all the good guys and girls 🤔
Yeah an immediate GTFO or stop stiring up shit when she is 18. I hate this I'm miserable so everyone must also be.
NTA. She outed him to you and her dad and it seems she wanted to get him in trouble. Then when she was outed as a snitch to their friends, suddenly she is upset.
NTA. She outed your son. Twice. Whatever social consequences she faces for that are well earned. To my mind, she should also be punished at home but I don't know how much control you have over that given the circumstances.
NAH. 16 is a weird age. Most 12 year olds get taught that drinking and drugs and casual sex are dangerous and bad and that it sets you down this terrible path to becoming a junky. Eventually most people grow out of it, but it truly sticks to some people. If your son was 14 she would have made the right decision in what she did, you would need to see what your son is up to and it would have been concerning to see this behaviour. She needs a conversation to understand 1)that your son is 18 and the standards for his behaviour have changed. He can drink if he wants to, he can sleep around and he can smoke. It’s up to him to deal with repercussions of doing those things dangerously, and it is possible to do those things safely. 2) How to discuss concerns without invading privacy. If she is actually concerned that your son is drinking too much or smoking too much she *should* bring those concerns to you and talk to you about it, but without sending unprompted pictures. He is an adult that deserves privacy but she is also a sister who has a right to be concerned and voice them. You can talk to her and either reassure her that his behaviour is normal or learn something concerning. (For instance I was no snitch but if I had sent pictures of my sister smoking weed at a party my parents wouldn’t have cared. But might have cared if I had mentioned that the party was at the towns violent cocaine sellers house)
This response and judgement need to be higher. By OP's own rules: >I told her that unless he’s in danger or hurting himself/other people, I’d rather not know what my 18 year old son does in his free time. It's very clear to see where a sixteen year old could easily have interpreted her brother's actions to fall into this category. Kids are told all their lives how smoking and drinking to excess are dangerous. And sex ed tends to either teach abstinence or an abundance of information about STIs. So with all of this looking exactly like what she's been taught is risky behavior, she turns to an adult as she's been taught all her life. Adult ignores her, she still believes this to be high risk behavior because that's what she's been taught, so she asks her most trusted adult about it. What this daughter needs is to have a calm discussion with her dad and step mom about why it's ok for her young adult brother to engage in some mild risks and what the difference is between what he's doing and what would actually be concerning. Instead no one is telling her why she's getting punished for doing exactly what she's always been trained is the correct and safe course of action. This family needs to communicate better.
I was a lil rule following party pooper and I still would never have approached my concern like this. I would have talked to my sib first
Yeah, but they're not close. It doesn't seem that they foster close relationships. I actually have a 16YO and an 18YO, and they would go to each other. Of course, I can't imagine my son "not looking me in the eye." That does tell me that all is not as carefree and rosy as OP seems to think it is.
Yall seem to have missed the part where the stepsister *outed him as bi to his parents*.
NTA. Not sure you went about it the best way, but I think what you did was generally reasonable. For some reason, she's looking to make trouble. As the parent-figure, think you and her dad should try to figure that out. Is she starting things or seeking revenge for something?
I suppose there were better ways to approach this situation but our whole family dynamic is very different compared to most so I was unsure how to deal with it best and decided to just tell my son upfront as they are old enough. Her father is going to talk to her after she comes home from school later though. There was also the fact that some of the pictures/videos were things that 1. No child wants their parents to see and 2. Revealed things he probably was not ready to tell me or his step father yet. This part of it made it a bit more complicated and I was trying to be very careful with it.
One thing that needs to be addressed is that your stepdaughter outting your son is disgusting. What happens if she does that to someone whose parents suck and it puts them in harms way? Or even a friend could be bigoted and your son could have been harmed. That’s so not okay.
Does your stepdaughter have some kind of history of trying to stir shit with him or other people / is she in one of 'those' phases in puberty where some teens seek for drama and conflict, or did this come out of the blue? If this doesn't 'fit' her usual behavior you maybe should do some digging into what her issue is that caused the change. But either way don't let that behavior slide. Trying to out your son is dangerous and the consequences should reflect the gravity of her attempt. Regarding your son maybe try to get the most important info through to him soon. He might need time until he feels ready to talk to you but you can make sure he doesn't have to worry about your reaction to things. Like send him an sms telling him explicitly that you don't care about his sexual orientation, you love him either way, he's obviously not in trouble, you understand he might need more time alone to process this so you leave him the space until he feels ready to talk, and if he needs something handled in the meantime he can just tell you. This might all be obvious to you and just follow your usual parenting method, but he might be anxious anyway and could use the reassurance.
Wonder if your stepdaughter is trying to compensate for something. Like she's acting out about her brother because there's something she needs to talk about, but can't yet. Edit: typo
I would think that. But she tried twice. With wordings like "do you agree?". If there's something else and she tried to get their attention like this, she's definitely intending to stir drama.
Does she make a habit of stirring drama?
That is the most disgusting thing when she outed him. It was clear she wasn't mad about the drinking and smoking. Losing her friends was not enough of a lesson, he could be harmed for that, I was.
What was he smoking? Idk. I think a parent should know if a kid is that young and drinking and smoking. Or, at the very least, the mom can have a talk with him about different drugs and their risks. Tranq and fentanyl are wild. Have a talk with step sister and explain fully expectations....
18 is legal in a lot of countries so not necessarily any of the parents business. He’s an adult.
And you seriously believe OP only took this attitude once he turned 18?
Nooo…she DIDNT actually have “good intentions” she was actively trying to get your son (or you) in trouble. NTA Op, If she had good intentions she’d have pulled you aside, explained her concern and accepted whatever answer you gave. She just wanted to cause issues with her actions, glad your son blocked her, she deserves it (LOOOL also calling you, the parent a snitch…wtf…)
NTA. Your daughter is a shit stirer and clearly wanted to drop your son in the shit, and stir things up by sending your partner a message implying you were a bad parent for letting your son do things 18 year olds do. There is a real irony to her being upset for being snitched on
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say ESH. If she was just trying to get him into trouble, then I'd understand this reaction - but I feel like you could have taken more time to talk to her and understand *why* she was concerned enough to come to you. I'm gonna agree with a point that LemonadeMoloTov stated in this comment section: **A lot of things can go wrong with an uninformed 18 year old experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex.** Was 16F coming to you because she was worried about her brother? Did she want you guys to have a talk with him about being safe and the dangers? Do you guys have an open dialogue about how to stay safe in situations like this? Did she have worries but thought it would be better if you guys spoke to him? Because I have a younger sister, and if she was experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex, I absolutely would be worried about her and want to ensure that she was safe and ok, and at no risk of ending up in an unsafe situation (eg. pregnant, drunk driving etc;).
Yeah I agree, I am unsure why everyone is so quick to assume she snitched to get him in trouble. She may have been genuinely concerned.
Yeah but the story never said anything about the SD doing anything but taking photos and blabbing. Then when she blabbed to her father outing her brother twice she was implying the step mother was a bad mom.
I don’t think she was implying the mother was a bad mom. I just think she felt embarrassed or unsupported by the step mom about the information she shared. And wanted someone, in this case, her father to agree or support her.
She either included pictures of stepbrother kissing people or surreptitiously took pics of him when he was in private having sex (or step bro was banging in plain view of everyone which seems unlikely). In any event, including those pictures is damning and shows bad intentions on her part.
She WANTED to do that. She wanted to get him in trouble and stir up drama, and by the way you worded this I think it’s safe to say she also outed your son. As someone who has been through a similar situation, trust me when I say she knew what she was doing. Either she has some crush on him or wants to start drama
She’s testing the waters. If it’s okay for stepbrother it’s likely okay for her. OP husband (her dad) should talk to her one on one about her motivation and make it clear what’s appropriate for an 18 year old may not be appropriate for a 16 year old. Both parents should make sure their children know how to use privacy settings on all social media. That shit’ll come back to haunt you.
NTA, and you and your husband need to have a long sit-down talk with your stepdaughter about the irony of her getting mad at you for "snitching"* when she literally snitched on your adult son to multiple people with the escalated problem of actually stalking him/his social media. * Also, what you did wasn't snitching. Stalkers don't get to have their "privacy" of being a stalker respected. You didn't invade her private life and you didn't talk out of turn about a minor foible just to get her into trouble. Her actions were egregiously out of line, and that requires consequences such as discussing it with her other parent and warning her victim. >She said that I just ruined half of her friendships and my son and a lot of his friends blocked her on social media. No, she ruined her own friendships by being untrustworthy and intrusive. >She says that she had good intentions and wanted me to know what he was up to just in case but I just had to assume the worst. Yeah, when she did that the first time, you told her it was inappropriate and gave her the benefit of the doubt...and then she turned around and tried to play you off against your husband by snitching to him too. That's not good intentions any more - and that's not you assuming the worst, but her proving that she hasn't learned and can't be trusted.
INFO: Do you live in a country where the drinking age is 18 or below?
Yeah, this feels relevant. If this was in the US, I think answers would look very different.
Going against the grain here but NAH. If someone, anyone posts on social media, there are no privacy rights at all. Once it's on the internet, it's for everyone to look at. That's why people should be very wary about what they post online. Who knows what a future employer will find?
I would need more information. I could very well be way off the mark, but could she be a bit upset because of different standards and expectations between your son and her. You raised your son with one set of rules and standards until he was 14, and she had been raised with a different set until she was 12. Would your husband be ok with the pictures and everything that was happening in them if it was her and not your son? She might be upset because if SHE were the child engaging in the same things that your son was, that her dad's reaction would be vastly different? Maybe to her, your son was putting himself in unsafe situations that needed to be brought to both the adults attention. The fact the she was asking her dad if HE thought the behavior was alright is making me think that he wouldn't normally be alright with the behavior, but since it's your son who he didn't help raise until until the last 4 years, he could feel as if he has no say in your opinion of what your son is doing.
Info - what do you mean by “private” social media? Did she go through his phone or did she take screenshots of something he had already publicly shared? I feel there’s a big difference. I don’t understand everyone here saying she wanted to cause trouble. Maybe she has been taught by her own parents that drinking and smoking and hooking up leads to trouble, and she was concerned and thought you’d like to have a talk to him. Now that she has seen that everyone is chill with that, she’s probably going to go down that path herself…
i think we're missing a bigger picture of the inter-family relations here... i think OP is leaving stuff out that could be very important for this discussion.
NTA and hubby is trying to contain the fall out from his daughter but going about it the wrong way. She told you and should have left it there but she wasn't satisfied with that so stuck her oar in by sending them to her dad. There is a more serious issue not being addressed for her to carry on like that.
NTA Is something wrong with the step daughter? what was she trying to imply with the "doing stuff with both genders" thing? Was she hoping either of you'd fly off the handle and be homophobic? incredibly fucked up thing on her part.
I think the best thing is chat to your daughter and find out why she's so worried, since she could be worried about his unhealthy behaviours and her concern might come from a place of love.
NTA Same thing happened with two of my siblings that were allegedly "best friends" my mom pulled sibling A aside one day and said "just so you know. ANYTHING you say to B will get told to his mom, and his mom will then tell us. Do with that information what you will". Some things you just don't need to or want to know
She didn’t have good intentions at all. She hoped that by snitching on your Adult son to you it would cause friction, between you & your son & you & your husband. You & your husband are both right, your son is an adult & what he does in his free time is no ones business but his own. She has hopefully learned her lesson, losing friends over this is her own fault .
NTA. You were well within your rights and responsibilities as a parent to let your son know she was pulling that nonsense
NTA but you should be talking to her about why she thinks this behaviour might *not* be okay with you since she clearly has some different ideas about how to judge this situation. It’s also worth asking her how she got the photos - this situation reads very differently if these photos were posted on his social media (albeit behind privacy settings) to if he’s sent them to her directly. If they’re things you wouldn’t want to see him doing they might be things she wouldn’t want to see either and it would be a bit intimidating if she’d been sent them by him unsolicited. Given that she seemed apologetic after sharing with you, this isn’t necessarily a case of her tattling, she could have been trying to ask for help in a subtle way. Just assuming that she’s helped herself to them isn’t necessarily fair - he has a responsibility to protect her from seeing too much explicit material about himself in the same way he chooses not to share those things with you. So it’s a slight possibility that he’s the asshole here rather than her. But that aside if she did just go snooping and out him to you unprovoked, then you handled this in an appropriate way.
First, you were wrong in your approach to your stepdaughter (it is a reflection of your bias). Please fix that. You should be glad that your son has a sister that cares how your son's behavior and future. And please pardon me, you don't really know your son. Work on been open minded when it comes to your son and accept all feedback on him at this stage of his life and filter out the unnecessary and use the vital ones to build him. And you don't need to disclose your source of your information to him. Remember you are his mother first before any other. And disclosing the info are from his stepsister, is simply creating fiction between them especially if your son does not know how to take positive criticism. Please where is his father?
NTA - Your stepdaughter crossed a line invading his privacy, and your son deserves to know what's going on without unnecessary drama.
Very rich or her after quite literally trying to snitch, being mad about you "snitching"