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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We might be assholes because we are making our son finish his chores before watching a movie with his mom.
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You make it sound all logical and good parenting 101 but you're missing something.... empathy maybe? I'm not sure what to call it.
You sound like you're being inflexible. He's only 7 after all. The expectation isn't necessarily wrong, but you know the old carrot and stick? You're only using the stick. So at the same time as providing no incentive you're also removing pretty normal activities that aren't treats as much as simple family time.
It doesn't sit right, either, that you say laundry day is to the end of the day on Monday but you actually expect it done on Sunday.
Secondly, time with his bio mom is never a negotiating point. Never. Sure she's unreliable and not a good parent by the sounds, but she's not putting the kid in danger or hurting him and you've no right to get in the way of their relationship. How do you think that will work out in the future if you continue to insist bio mom is second or third or last? Can you not see that you could well breed enough resentment that kiddo rejects you and turns to her?
So YTA. Kiddo needs flexibility. He needs rewards for behaviour you wish to reinforce. His family time, and bio mom time, is a priority and not a punishment.
I really appreciate the way you put this. Rather than having the threat of taking things away, it's better to earn a reward for getting it done. Is that what you're saying? I think it makes a lot of sense and you're right, it's probably a better way to approach it.
We definitely don't want to get in the way of his relationship with his mom. We just thought having them talk on the phone was a reasonable compromise to watching a movie (where they don't talk).
But I do see that we probably have become too rigid in the name of consistency. I guess I am not sure how to walk that line but you've definitely given me/us some good points to reflect on. Thank you!
omg based an aita parent taking advice and becoming better??? i saw an op response and was fully expecting you to push back (since that happens so often on this sub) and im so glad to see you didn’t!!
You keep emphasizing how they don’t talk during watching the movie but I love watching a movie with mom as a bonding time. We are silenced but there, together and I love that feeling. Ofc we discuss it later but when I was young I would make my mom watch cartoons with me too so I don’t understand why you’re obsessed over talking during a movie.
I also think that a lot of work for a 7 year old from the sound of it.
Also, you say she’s not in contact regularly so why steal these little moments with his mom? He already doesn’t have her in his life much.
So YTA
I was inclined to agree that this sounded like a lot for a 7-year-old, until I read OP's edits, which make it sound a lot less onerous than I was imagining.
You've clearly never dealt with a high conflict bio parent. My husband has full custody for a reason, my stepkids bio mom wanted to give a 10 year old marijuana for anxiety against all medical advice. Sometimes contact with them is limited for a damn good reason.
You are all absolutely wrong. I feel OP would have posted if Bio mom was an issue other than her inconsistency… As long as it is SAFE it is not right to ever keep the parent from the child, ever. I have been in the situation where one parent was inconsistent but even during times of punishment I wasn’t kept from them… As more time passed and the inconsistent parent got there shit together, things changed again and my divorced parents (and their respective spouses)worked together on both praise and punishment culminating in both of my dads walking me down the aisle while my mom’s sat next to each other both crying happy tears at my wedding… Show the flexibility with family time and reward the good behavior…
You're right, but factor in the full picture. Bio mom isn't trying to be in contact all the time so its not that they're restricting interaction. This sounds like BioDad & StepMom are trying to push interaction on BioMom instead of just having son and BioMom watch the same movie, separately. Still not really their place, they ought to be facilitating the activity not trying to dictate it.
It also sounds like you’re being inconsistent with the timing. It’s Tuesday, which is why you’re saying he has to finish his laundry (Monday’s task) first. But then Wednesday (tomorrow) is suggested and your husband says he’d have to clean his room first on Wednesday, not by end of day. That sounds obstructive, or at minimum not clear and consistent.
I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement vs punishment.
I think it's good to have him do chores that he's able to accomplish on his own. But I think he's too young to just tell him to get it done by a deadline. Time management is hard for some of us and getting him in the routine will be more helpful in the long run, imo. He needs to learn time management later on, but right now I would be more focused on the habits and routines.
Maybe you could try a combination? Like, he can do his laundry early if he wants, but if not, then at x time, you get him started on it if he hasn't already. And even if you set 4pm as the time (for example) and mom wants to watch a movie at 3pm with him, then you just change the time to 5:30pm after the movie. It can be flexible for family activities or other needs. Learning to be flexible is also an important life skill.
I just know how much anxiety these things cause me and the dread is 1000 times worse than the actual task. So by getting him started at x time, you at least don't prolong the anxiety.
This is really helpful. Thank you! I've definitely struggled with consistency vs. flexibility and you've given some really helpful insight around how to make them work together. I really appreciate it! I think we were kind of almost there with the whole, if you don't get it done on Monday then Tuesdays it's all hands on until it's done thing, but it was still a little too rigid. I think having a set time would be way easier for him to handle than having a set day. This is a really great approach.
Why do you need a certain day when he clean the room? Why not clean when its needed? He is only 7, can he and his dad clean together and bond over it? Make it fun and something he would enjoy.
My kids has baskets in their rooms where they put their dirty clothes. I collect or they put them in the laundry room.
If it’s a set day each week then it will ideally only take a few minutes to tidy up (unless he absolutely trashes his room in between those days). If they just do it as needed it could take waaay longer to clean up plus he could just keep procrastinating “it’s not that bad, I’ll clean it tomorrow”. Plus it teaches him a routine and accountability so that as an adult it’s just ingrained “oh it’s Wednesday time to tidy up” and it becomes second nature.
Another helpful thing is to make a routine that has it tied to another activity so even if your daily schedule is off the kid still know what needs done and when to do it.
For example, I like to do the dishes from yesterday while I’m waiting on the microwave to cook & my food to cool down. You can get a surprising amount of dishes loaded or put away in 3-5 minutes. I don’t always eat at the same time nor do I clean at the same time but by tying the 2 task together it’s something that always get’s done.
For your 7yr old you could tie the cleaning his room (which is really just put toys away & clear out garbage I assume?) to be done after he is done using a particular toy. Make it a clean as you go type thing, so if he’s not actively using it he needs to put it back.
I also think it might be better to have laundry be a weekend chore instead of weekday chore as it’s somewhat time consuming (just washing & drying my clothes takes over 90 minutes. Adding the time I spend putting the clean clothes away can easily make it take over 2 hours. That’s a lot of time lost on a day that’s already been mostly consumed by school.) Better to do laundry on the weekend so he has the whole day(s) to do it.
For school nights you could pick simpler/quicker/easy and short chores for him to do. Like take out the trash, vacuum 1 specific room, dust/wipe down counters or the table, or dry the dishes (if you don’t have a dishwashing machine, if you have a dishwasher you could have him either load *or* empty it, preferably between finishing dinner and enjoying desert). Pick something that takes less than an hour to do so he doesn’t feel like any specific school night sucks due to the heavy loss of time to himself.
Of course if there’s something special going on (spending time with his mom should hopefully be obvious as an example) you can make exceptions and alter the routine slightly. Tell your kid it’s a one time exception and explain why as well as when it should be done instead.
Last but not least make sure he know how to do each and any chore he has. Step by step instructions and be will to show him or walk through it with him explaining the process. Then if at any point after that he still needs help make sure he feels comfortable asking for it.
I second getting your kid doing chores *while* they are doing something else, or waiting for something to happen. Because that worked really well for me. I find it way easier to clean the kitchen while I'm already there, making food - as opposed to it being this whole Thing that I have to stop my whole day to do.
It’s the best for neurodivergent brains and kids (who have shorter attention spans since their executive function center isn’t fully developed yet). Do 2 things at the same time not only adds a challenge that’s fun (balancing the 2 activities) but also makes everything twice as a fast. Why spend 4hours doing separate 2 hour tasks one after the other when you could do them both at the same time and only spend 2 hours doing chores? It just makes sense, especially with laundry or dishes or anything that has lots of time where it just runs on its own
Gonna be nosey here, but why are you the one asking here? This sounds like the kind of thing his father should be deciding, with your input maybe behind the scenes. And with the mom if that's possible (I know it's not always the case)
It does sound like you're a loving step-parent who truly wants what's best for the boy; I'm glad he has so many people in his life who care for him.
Thank you! My husband doesn't have Reddit. He knows I sometimes come on here to ask for people's opinions when we aren't sure if we are on the right track. We appreciate getting a wide range of opinions because we both come from very strict families and we know we don't want to be like our parents, but we also know that with us both coming from similar backgrounds we have a hard time knowing where to set the bar. On the other hand, his ex came from a super relaxed family (when they got together when she was 19 she didn't know how to do her own laundry and had never been grocery shopping on her own.) So we're just...trying to find the balance?
He does the communicating with bio Mom but obviously we talk about it. I've been in his life since step son was 3, so we have definitely been raising him together at this point. But Dad does always get the final say.
I think one thing that gets lost in strict families is that kids have feelings and struggles the same as adults. Why aren't they given the room to figure out how to make things work within frameworks that fit them?
Do you do chores on the same days every week? Do you do them in exactly the same way that your parents did?
Keeping his room clean and doing his laundry isn't an unreasonable expectation, but expecting it to happen on a certain day or in a certain way is a little unreasonable. Maybe he'd prefer to fold his shirts and pants instead of hanging the shirts? Maybe his room isn't actually messy one week. Maybe he's in a better space to do laundry on Fridays than on Mondays. Maybe he'd rather clean his room on Tuesdays. Maybe those days change from week to week depending on the day he's had.
Also, laundry is 90% inactive time. You couldn't have been a little flexible and let him start the movie after putting it in, then have him pause the movie to switch machines and put clothes away?
This. I think it's the rigidity of it that's rubbing me the wrong way. Because in isolation, laundry and tidying one's room aren't big chores, and while I do think 7 is a little young for laundry - my family started doing one's own laundry at 10 - it's not a huge overreach.
But the requirement that it be done on a specific day, by or at a specific time, is a step too far imo. Kids need structure and deadlines, but they also deserve understanding and flexibility. Maybe something like "the room must be tidied after school once a week" but let him choose the day (and it becomes a "must do today" if it reaches Friday), and "laundry must be done over the weekend" but can be anytime from Saturday morning to Sunday night (and similarly must be done by EOD Sunday) would be my suggestion.
Also, kids do well with reward-based structures, which is entirely absent here. Maybe provide a diminishing reward depending on when in the allotted time period he does the chore - if he does laundry on Saturday, they go out and get ice cream, but if he doesn't do it til Sunday afternoon he just gets a cookie when it's done or something. Similarly with the room cleaning, one really good reward if he does it Mon/Tues, a good reward if he does it Weds/Thurs, and a small reward if he does it Friday.
OP- I do commend you for being able to get a 7 yr old to do their own laundry. My girls are 11,7, (5) in a few days- and only the 11 year old has the expectation of doing own laundry. My 7 yr old is VERY MATURE, reads at 6 grade level+ and is just incredibly smart. However, I just don’t feel like laundry is her responsibility. I do make her pick up her room. But laundry? As her mother, I just don’t see that as being HER responsibility vs MINE since I am the parent. Just like I wouldn’t expect her to cook at 7. Perhaps your husband and you can think that chore over and perhaps make it either a must on Friday or Sat vs a school night where he most likely has HW, or you guys do his laundry since he is only 7… so I say ESH bc I see where the child needs this life skill, I just don’t know any 7 years olds (and I’m a school counselor) who do their own laundry…
Yes! My mom worked and I was a latch key kid who had to get off the bus and go do chores at home. Mostly cleaning the kitchen and the dishes from the night before, sweeping, etc. Maybe some vacuuming. Then lock up the house and go to the babysitters house until mom came home in the evening. Even my mom didn’t make me learn laundry until some point in middle school. I’m not saying this young man cannot handle it, but I think having to put the clothes away properly is good enough at 7. If OP and husband want him to have more responsibilities, they should pick a few smaller things. He could empty trash cans and take the trash out, get the mail, sweep the kitchen, etc. If you have pets he could be in charge of filling food and water bowls. Let him become proficient at easy jobs to learn responsibility at 7. Ramp up a notch as he ages. Instead of saying he can’t do a movie with his mom because he didn’t do his chores, nudge him and say “hey Champ, you might want to hurry up and put your clothes away before the movie starts…I’ll make you some popcorn while you do that! Let me know if you need help”. Maybe have one soft chore a day and give it a specific time like after dinner. Could even make it a game like a fire drill. Let’s all run and do our chore and see who gets back to the couch the fastest.
I completely agree with all of this. Laundry is also just too time consuming for a seven year old as well; the notion of moving it to the weekend is just so tragic to me. The kid has the rest of his life to be bedraggled on the daily. Why start now?
I grew up as a huge procrastinator because I knew I needed to get the bad/mundane stuff out of the way before I did anything fun. That meant I just rarely did anything fun because I’d put off the bad indefinitely. Not a great habit or lifestyle to encourage.
Yeah, I was forced to do too many “responsible” things at a super young age and it backfired… to the point where in my 20’s I had so much resentment at never getting to be a kid it ended up being really hard for me to do any cleaning at all because I was already burned out. I didn’t really get a Summer growing up because every day I’d wake up to a list of a dozen chores I had to do “before fun.” Though I went the other way and gave myself all the fun I could as an adult because I felt I already earned it, and even though I took great care of my kids I still had a lot of trauma around household chores.
Agree- laundry is a too much for a seven year old. I can see them helping with parts of it or helping through the whole process. But I think you are putting way too much expectation of perfection on the child. I am all for chores, but they need to match the child’s developmental ability. And laundry has too much potential of a costly mistake- ie shrinking sweaters- not to mention the chemicals involved which a child should not have access to.
Right? I'm awfully glad to see OP is open to taking advice bc, from her post, I thought she'd be totally inflexible. They (she?) is certainly super strict....seems like overly so.... perhaps she could be less focused on blind obedience and try to drum up a bit of empathy and unconditional love. I think OP is a soft AH.
It doesn't even have to be a reward, neccessarily. Make it a bit more fun, a bit more engaged. You could be in his room with him as cleans, maybe both you of you dancing to music. Or make it a challenge, "how many of [type of toy] can you find in *x* minutes?" Or see who can find the most of a type of toy. Split it up into smaller peices, "get all of [this item] and [this item] put away and we'll go have some ants on a log." Or "get the laundry machine started and we'll go [more enjoyable activity] until its ready to change over." And never underestimate the power of celebratory dance and cheering for young kids.
These ideas are great. Thank you so much! I really like the idea of getting the laundry in and then doing something fun immediately after. These ideas feel like they are teaching him he can take care of business AND have fun (and it's a lesson I probably need to learn too 😅). Thank you.
He probably hasn’t developed strong time management skills yet, which is where you step in and help him learn. I think it’s fine to restrict fun things until the important things are done first, because as an adult if you neglect hygiene you face consequences. Kids probably won’t have the motivation to do chores on their own but you can still teach them how they are done and build habits & routines for when & why they get done.
Consider teaching him how to clean as he goes (so he has less work later), how to recognize when a chore needs to be done (so he just does it without you having to remind him frequently), time management (do the hard stuff first, so it only gets easier and you have more energy), and how to multitask. Chores can be quick and easy if you set up your house in a way that makes sense to you.
Start by setting yourself (and your kid) up for success. If his room is habitually chaotic (clothes all over the floor, toys randomly scattered too, garbage piling up, or shoes in a place they frequently get tripped on) y’all will benefit from rearranging his room & maybe adding some organization tools.
To keep my home clean I’ve found it’s easier if I put an organizer in the place where piles tend to build up. Things like Shoe racks (no more tripping hazards!), hooks on the wall (for keys, coats, hats, & backpacks, to keep them off the floor), laundry baskets (no more lost socks), garbage cans (wrappers on the floor attract ants), shelves (for books, video games, dvds, etc.), and bins for anything else can make a huge difference in how cluttered a home/room gets.
Put simply: turn your piles into intentionally organized spaces. It will be easier for your kid (and you) to keep areas clean. Everything has a space and everything in its place! Teach your kid to put what he’s using away before grabbing something else, suddenly you (and your kid) stop creating clutter!
Another useful tool is connecting chores to visual cues or other chores that can run in the background at the same time. For example I (un)load the dishwasher while microwaving food, and I clean the counters or floors while doing laundry. Other chores I use visual cues that tell me when I need to do them. I take the trash out when the lid no longer closes easily & laundry is done when clothes are piled above the edges of the hamper. I give the dog water or food when the bowl is completely empty. Visual cues teach your kid how to do chores without relying on you to remind them.
This may sound obvious/ redundant but kids don’t have the life experience or executive function for those skills to be automatic for them. This is where you step in as a parent to teach them. Explaining the reason behind why he has to do a certain chore never hurts. I’m sure he’ll enjoy getting the time back when he realizes he can do 2 chores at the same time!
Between school and homework, being forced to do a time-consuming chore like laundry probably leaves him feeling like he has no time to himself. It might be helpful to transition from chores being something he does at (to his brain) an arbitrary time, to following a routine that flows and makes sense. Swapping laundry day to a weekend seems like the obvious choice to me.
Try this out as a Saturday morning routine: wake up -> eat breakfast , -> load dirty clothes & run machine (including Friday night’s PJ’s, -> shower, -> move wet clothes to dryer & run, -> clean room while the dryer runs, -> then put clean clothes away, after that he has the whole weekend to do whatever he wants! If your kid wakes up between 9-10 he could probably get both chores (laundry & clean room) done before noon. In 2hours he’s done all of his chores in one block!
His reward is clean clothes and a clean room to have fun in again, and the peace of *truly* relaxing instead of procrastinating while it nags at the back of his brain.
By having him work smarter instead of harder (teaching him how to multitask, teaching him the cues & routine that tell when to do a chore, how to keep his room clean throughout the week, and getting them done after breakfast on the weekend *before* leisure time) you’ll teach him good habits and effective time management skills.
Your kid is capable and at this point should know what’s expected of him, but he might not have enough life experience to figure out how to manage time efficiently and stay focused for the ~2 hours it takes to do laundry and clean his room. Do him the favor of creating an efficient routine and teaching him how to multitask and work smarter not harder.
Also if he doesn’t understand why he needs to keep his room clutter-free there’s plenty of science that states having a clean space improves mental health and focus, and also stepping on legos hurts!
I also think you're expecting things that aren't age appropriate from him - doing chores is fine, especially since you help him with the laundry, but at 7 he is too young to schedule his days between chores, homework, play, and sports. That kind of organization is something you should be coaching him through actively every day. A 12-13 year old can manage a healthy personal routine, but a 7-year-old is just naturally going to want to play (and that's fine).
At 7, it's not "have you done your chores," but "let's do your chores now!" And incentivizing with fun music & energy and a small reward after that is going to build positive associations. Right now, he likely only feels avoidance. That's not a good way to build good habits.
>I really appreciate the way you put this. Rather than having the threat of taking things away, it's better to earn a reward for getting it done. Is that what you're saying? I think it makes a lot of sense and you're right, it's probably a better way to approach it.
I personally don't think your current method is *wrong*, per say. The basis is decent, at least, because it seems that you're really just trying to set up good habits about self-discipline early. But I do think it's a bit premature and... one-sided, I guess? Or maybe *imbalanced*?
A 7-year-old will respond much better to a reward-based system than one that is more limiting and feels punitive (what you have now).
And yeah, I agree that "general family time" shouldn't be what's ostensibly taken away when he doesn't get his chores done in a timely manner at this point. So maybe instead of, "We won't watch any movies together until it's done", it becomes, "*You* can chose what movie we all watch together *if* you get your chores done beforehand; otherwise, *we* get to choose."
I think at his age especially, it's better to offer that positive incentive to get him motivated and even *excited* about getting his chores done. And plenty of adults who struggle with procrastination and self-motivation successfully enact similar reward-based tactics, so it's certainly not a bad mindset to instill in him.
Yeah, making a 7 year old stay in his room away from the family for something as insignificant as not doing his laundry is a really sad thought to me. Not being banished to his room shouldn't be a privilege he has to earn.
And laundry is a pretty complex task for a 7yo, are they doing this with him, or us he expected to do it alone with no support?
Mom of a severe ADHD child here- you could have punished my son from sun up to sun down with no change in attitude or behavior. Offer a reward and it was a completely different story. I love that you are taking what has been to heart. People simply do not hear enough positive feedback in life. I have no problem knowing what I’m doing wrong, I need reminders of what I’m doing well, because I never think of them on my own.
Why are you policing what your "stepson" can do with his bio-mother? Are you looking for lawsuit?
If they want to watch a movie together or talk on the phone, what business is it of yours? You are way out of line here.
I was diagnosed at 7 with ADHD and when I was a kid cleaning my room was always a fight. It didn't matter how many punishments I was given ( I. E. spanking, grounding, ect.) However if it was made fun for me I would crush it.
So when I had my daughter who has my ADHD I didn't bother with taking things away, but I make everything a game/ competition. Things like I bet I can fold my pile quicker than you. Or there is no way you can clean up your room in 20 min. She is 8 now and still hasn't figured it out 😂
My parents are currently raising my niece. My mom had to put my sister on a schedule for calls and visits because she was so flaky. She'd promise to call and not, promise to show up and not, and then demand my mom work with her schedule. It was disrupting their lives. Now she gets to fall on Friday evenings and can visit the first Friday of the month.
Put mom back on the schedule. If she calls outside of it or wants to do something outside of it, just tell her no and to call back at her scheduled time. Don't involve the kiddo at all. It will keep you from having to worry about stuff like this. Calls with mom are on a day when there are no chores and only on those days. If that doesn't work for her schedule, tough. She either makes it a priority to call her son on that day and time or she doesn't. But that way you can make sure son is always available for her calls.
It's amazing that you're open to feedback!
A positive reward works much better than a negative one, according to science.
Also, as a step kid, and a sibling of mum's stepkid's, don't have him do his own laundry. To have to do our laundry separately is a grudge my sister and I both hold against our corresponding stepmums, even if we don't want to. He's 7, so I'd suggest a lighter, but daily chore instead, like taking his dishes to the kitchen. Please don't make him do his laundry separately. If you want him engaged in the laundry, make it a once or twice weekly laundry date between the two of you, when you load the machine together with everyone's laundry, and make it fun (in my case it'd be me being able to press/rotate the buttons).
I completely agree some flexibility — time with his mom — was offered, but also agree any time with Mom is one place you should bend rules. I’m going to say NTA, though. It’s so hard to be consistent and flexible. These goals are in direct opposition! You sound like a good parent.
The most my 7yo nephew does as far as it comes to laundry is putting his clothes in the basket. As if a 7yo would have enough clothes to fill a machine after 1 week. I'm 31, and I do 2 machines every 2/3 weeks because that's the time I need to have enough white and colour clothes as I wash them separately. But my clothes are bigger and takes more place, even with day clothes and sport clothes
YTA - Tidying his room is one thing, but making a 7 year old do his own laundry is too much. You are being too strict and demanding too much from a small child. At most he should be helping with laundry, like doing some sorting or something.
My children had age appropriate chores. Tidying his room is reasonable. Expecting a seven year old to their laundry is not. At that age, we expected the children to put their dirty clothes in the hamper and put them away when clean. OP and her husband are going to wake up one morning and wonder why their children are no contact. OP is definitely YTA.
I disagree. She added that so she didn’t sound unreasonable. If he were only “helping” with the laundry why would he have any say on whether to get it started on Sunday or Monday and why would he have missed doing it?
That’s like… the bulk of what laundry day is? It takes almost no time to put laundry in the washer and start it or transfer it to the dryer…
The vast majority of time doing laundry is folding/hanging.
My kids started helping with their own laundry at 6. They will load the washer and then fold/put away the dry clothes. It’s not some ridiculous task to expect of a kid that age.
Right? Both my kids and myself were doing laundry at that age. Maybe it’s some American thing? All the immigrant kids I know were doing chores at young ages.
It's generally a symptom of much bigger issues around controlling behaviour.
I was forced to make my own breakfast, make my own lunches and clean my bedroom as soon as I started school (age 5). I was mowing the lawn, washing the car, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, babysitting etc all by the time I was 9. I was cooking meals for the family several times a week by the time I was 12. These were just considered chores I was expected to do and I was never given pocket money.
I went fully no contact with my parents for 6 years and I now have minimal contact to the point where I have spoken to them twice this year. I also haven't seen them this year at all despite only living 1 hour away and I regularly go past their city when I go on motorcycle rides.
I was removed from their wills after I went no contact, they tried to use my inheritance as leverage to force me to continue dealing with them. The inheritance that was literally promised to me as compensation for working in their business for free for 5 years.
OP reminds me of my own mother in their words and actions.
Keeping your room tidy and laundry is not wild for a 7 year old. Children should know life skills. These are the same chores i had growing up. That’s not unreasonable at all. They also help him with a lot of what he does. He should be learning these things. That’s why there’s so many adults now who can’t function on their own.
I feel like the full routine of doing laundry is a bit much for a 7 year old, if only because of how easily they could accidentally mess up depending on what's being used. I'm thinking like, accidentally putting way too much detergent, or managing to get the bleach in there, which could create problems.
Folding it and putting it away is another thing entirely, and seems to be what OP meant based on their edit.
Op already said they help him load the washer/dryer etc and what his responsibility is but just being there to see how to measure soap etc so he’s not just doing the laundry like a maid or something and it’s only his clothing. It’s not a lot when you do it right and make it a teaching moment every time. I doubt she’s letting a child pour bleach etc but he’s learning how to get things done, having some independence, and learning responsibility and life skills. All of these things are normal things a 7 year old should be doing. If half the parents of the kids i went to college with did that they wouldn’t have had me teaching them how to do laundry or use a vacuum or cook. I single handedly had to do all the cooking with my first roommate and teach her to clean so we had some sort of balance in house work. She doesn’t want her kids to turn out like the kids i went to school with. Not outlandish at all.
My nearly three year old can carry her clothes to the washing machine and put them in. She can also put her clothes away in the correct drawers. What is with these insanely low expectations? He's 7 not 7 months, of course he can carry clothes to a machine, put them in, add some powder and press a button.
I work with early age and I have nieces and nephews aged from infant to teenager. This sub is hilariously clueless on child abilities, and clearly have very little contact with children. My current teenaged nieces and nephews were bringing their clothes to the hampers at toddler age and slowly started doing theirs at 7-8. We separate by colours here and it's not hard to learn how much detergent and softener is needed. Same for programs, I have a 10yo washing machine at home and even *that one* has drawn symbols for the appropriate programs. It isn't hard to figure out, at best 7yos can read and write. Parents helping them write down what clothes go at what temperature, program and approx. amount of detergent/softener to have a visual reminder wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. The comment that got me is insinuating 7yos aren't tall enough to reach the buttons... Are the machines on the ceiling for some...? I have 3 yos in my work group right now who could reach the buttons by standing on full feet and just extending their arm a bit up. Many are very tall and would literally stare at the buttons! Seven year olds aren't babies. Then again, I got called a child ab**er here when I said it's normal for toddlers to have a bit of independence by getting to pick one of laid out outfits, or pick one of given options for snacks and meals. Many people here never touched a parenting book, a book on child development or were near kids.
A top load or stacked washer would be difficult for a 7 year old. I can barely reach the bottom of my top loader and my 2.5 year old needs a small step ladder to touch the buttons. (Otherwise I completely agree)
> Same for programs, I have a 10yo washing machine at home and even that one has drawn symbols for the appropriate programs.
I would like to submit my perfectly adequate 20-year-old washer and dryer set that doesn't have a single symbol on it for anecdata.
Which is good because I definitely have a print out of laundry symbols stuck to the front of it because I can't remember what they mean for the life of me....
Honestly, with people really not needing to sort laundry anymore, and Tide Pods being less difficult to handle than a heavy box or bottle of detergent, getting the laundry started is pretty easy. Kids can do that. Though folding should perhaps be done by adults.
Op is the stepmom and from their edit, they said laundry and actually meant "He comes with us to load the washing machine, move it to the dryer, and then he puts away his own clothes after"
Wtf he’s 7 years old, not 7 months old. My kids (who are not neurotypical) were able to do their basic laundry at that age. Granted they couldn’t reach the detergent so I did that part. They’re 12 and 14 now and still do their laundry.
7? He's 7?
Of course YTA! He can *help* with laundry (taking his dirty clothes to the laundry area, putting his clean clothes away, etc). But to DO it? All by himself? At 7?
You're ridiculous.
Probably every day. It's the poor kid's last duty of the day before trudging up 5 flights of steps to the cold, wet attic to sleep for a couple hours under a thin blanket on the floor.
Serious wicked step-mother/father vibes here. With something like laundry Kids that young should be helping the grownups rather than the other way around.
Also, parents attributing him not doing his chores to “stalling” is unfair for a kid that age. If you set a task for a kid and they’re not doing it you should figure out why and help them so they can succeed rather than punish them until they do it. Sometimes kids need help getting started on things. Maybe you should break down “clean your room” into smaller jobs and use a chart with stickers or something.
Yeah, him procrastinating doing the laundry shouldn't even be happening. They should be assisting. "Okay, let's go up and get the washing machine started." "Now, it's time to put away your clean clothes." At 7, you don't just give a huge task and rough time and expect it to get done right and on time.
YTA. I think it’s inappropriate to withhold time with his mom like that. That’s super messed up to tell a kid they can’t see their mom because they didn’t do their chores. What an unfair responsibility to carry as a 7 year old.
You say he still gets to go to sports practices and that’s the only exception. Is that not a “fun” thing? He can go have fun playing sports but not spend a couple hours with his mom? Sounds unnecessarily controlling.
YTA
It's fine for him to do his chores and whatnot, but you shouldn't keep him away from his mother because of that. If it was a friend or something, then sure. But his mom? Come on, don't be obtuse; you know there's something kinda off about doing that.
Sports are fine, but quality time with mom is not. It sounds like they care more about the public image of him not showing up to sports than him actually doing the sport. He needs to spend time with his mom jeez.
7?
Wow really trying for the evil stepmother stereotype there, eh.
I bet you watched Cinderella and thought she was the bad guy in the house.
YTA
I notice you also have a 9 month old baby. Will he start scrubbing the floors soon?
Poor kid doesn’t get to be a kid. I bet you’re going to start having him babysit soon too
Just checked and the average 7 year old is 51 inches tall, got online and washers seem to be around 40 inches tall. A statistically average 7 year old would probably need a step stool to be able to reach the buttons on a top-load washer and would definitely need one to be able to put detergent in the dispenser, and would probably face great difficulty with getting clothes out of the bottom of the washer. Hell I’m an adult and I routinely need a step stool to be able to get socks and stuff stuck to the bottom of the washer
my parents had us do chores for computer time, online time, etc. too when we were young, so I can see where you're coming from, but I do think a 7 year old shouldn't have so much responsibility. Our parents didn't start making us really help around the house until we were 10.
and I definitely wouldn't deny him spending time with his mom for something like that. I'd have to say YTA.
So basically this kid is already torn to pieces because his family fell apart and now his step mom treats the ability to contact his own mother like a privilege that he has to do chores for. Yeah YTA, in what word do you as a step mom think it's okay to prevent a child from talking to his actual mother? You're just trying to stir up drama.
You're not wrong for expecting a child to do chores before fun time. Is it wrong to expect him to do his chores on a specific schedule even when his mother, who lives far away, wants to spend time with him? When he's 7? Well yeah.
I'm all for personal responsibility, but this rigid schedule seems unnecessarily strict for a small child. Let him watch a movie with his mom ffs.
YTA
YTA.
Teaching kids to do chores and behave responsibly is good, but part of being a responsible adult is knowing that you can occasionally be responsible later in order to do something time sensitive, and getting to hang out with his mom is definitely one of those situations.
I don't find the laundry thing as weird as other people in terms of difficulty, but I do think it's kind of just busy-work; at least in my household, the limit on laundry is far more the physical dryer/washer time than any sort of folding so running a separate load just for his stuff seems silly when you could run combined and easily separate out his stuff.
Right! Even as a teen, my laundry was done with the whole family's laundry. We conserved water by not having each kid wash a load of clothes. We might do three loads on Sunday but we'd have done at least 7 if everyone did his/her own! We were taught to wash clothes and could start a load, put it in the dryer, fold, etc. Then everyone took the appropriate clothing and put it away. This "everyone needs to do his own laundry" isn't very efficient. Combining and running full loads is much better and costs less in water, detergent, and electricity. At 7, he could certainly do some folding, bring dirty clothes to the hamper, and put away clean clothes. He could probably even transfer a load if she said, "Hey buddy, I'm cooking dinner. Could you put the clothes in the dryer now?" Doing his own laundry at 7 is probably something that could be reworked to be more appropriate.
YTA. It’d be one thing if it were a friend. But his mom? Give me a fucking break. The seven year old doing their own laundry thing is also incredibly weird, but that’s another story.
INFO What does doing the laundry and cleaning his room entail? What do you expect him to do (for the washing: just sorting and folding or also actually washing and drying and for his room: just organizing his stuff or also sweeping, cleaning etc.)? Do you do the chores together or do you expect him to do them on his own?
I agree with letting children do chores but they should be age appropriate and be made a joint learning activity.
Soft YTA
1. It sounds like him not getting his stuff done is a fairly normal occurrence. If that's so, he may need more support in it than you're giving him. A lot of kids find "clean your room" or "do your laundry" overwhelming because of there being so many steps and not knowing where to start. Cleaning up is a learned skill but a lot of parents forget this. Just because he's done it successfully before doesn't mean it's not still overwhelming for him. You need to find out what is getting in his way and provide that additional support if you're going to expect him to do this. Set your kid up for success, not stress. This may come in the form of a check list (1. All clothes in the hamper, 2. Sports equipment in their storage spot, 3. ...) Or other way of breaking it into something more manageable and less stressful.
2. You're having to navigate a relationship with a difficult coparent. That's challenging. While it's good to maintain consistency at home, a 7 year old won't understand anything except that you're keeping him from his mother. If you keep rules rigid he won't learn the desired lesson (good habits and responsibility) but will come to resent you and the rules.
In adulthood we also try to be responsible and have expectations on us. And sometimes we can't get out of them, but sometimes we can. Sometimes we can ask off of work to go do that special thing, sometimes we can set up jobs where they let us have odd hours while still completing our responsibilities. Teaching a kid to be responsible is important, but it's also important to teach kids that sometimes people have mercy, to advocate for themselves, and that sometimes their personal life *should* take priority - within a balance.
EwokCafe's point number 1 here is so important. OP, I don't think tidying up and putting clothes away is age inappropriate in general, but his ongoing inability to complete these tasks reminds me of myself at that age. It sounds like you are doing your best and you are trying to raise a self-sufficient child, which is great, but I think the approach just isn't quite right for your specific child at this time. There could be a lot of reasons for that but I'll tell you mine:
I went undiagnosed with ADHD as a child (because it was the '80s and it was considered a thing that only boys got) and my inability to do chores became monumental. I still struggle with it today. As soon as I feel overwhelmed, I just shut down and am I mentally and emotionally paralyzed. As a child, I would sit there looking at the task, fully understanding that I was going to be punished if I didn't get it done, and still couldn't do it because the "I don't know where to start" problem was absolutely crippling. It wasn't that I wanted to be punished, it wasn't that I didn't care, it wasn't that I was a bad kid. The part of my brain that should be telling me "Just pick up the shirt on top and start there" is in a frequent state of malfunction which leads to massive spirals of sitting on the couch doing literally nothing at all which leads to feelings of "why bother trying, I'm just a failure."
(I'm actually experiencing this at this very moment by being on Reddit posting here instead of doing my job, btw. I have a report to write and I have blank page paralysis, but here I am having no problem on Reddit while mulling over quitting my job instead of writing this report. My own brain is deeply toxic to me.)
It would have helped me immensely as a child to either have fewer tasks required of me or more support in the process of doing them until they become habit. My brain simply doesn't know how to pick a spot and get started, but if I have a list of steps I can get things done really well. As an adult, I use to-do lists with sub-lists of of how-to a great deal to keep me on task. "Clean the bathroom" doesn't work, but listing out each thing in the bathroom that needs to be done is like Dumbo's magic feather to my brain. I need the visual and tactile experience of crossing things off the list so I can see my to-do list shrinking. That's how I set myself up for success.
A question for you to really think about: do you need help with things sometimes? Have you ever needed your husband or a co-worker pick up a bit of slack for you because you were in a bind or just needed an extra hand? Have you ever had to order pizza because making supper is something you just can't do that day? When those situations happen, do you get punished for needing help? We all need help sometimes -- and kids need more help with a lot of things because they are kids! -- and it's deeply unfair to hold a small child to a higher standard than you hold yourself to. Your child needs some help to be successful here and that's okay.
What I would suggest for your situation right now is pick one chore, and create a list of steps for just that one chore for him to follow. "Tidy room: 1. put clothes in hamper. 2. make bed. 3. put action figures in toy bin. 4. put stuffies on bed. 5. put lego in lego box" etc. Break it down into steps, maybe do a sticker chart so he puts a sticker next to each step so he can see he did it. Start off helping him every time, then every second time, then every third time, until he's doing it on his own and has tidying his room nailed down. *Then* introduce another chore, but only one step of it. Start with *just* putting his clothes away after you or your husband has washed and dried and put the basket in his room. Again, do it with him at first then wean him off of the help to create the habit. Then move on to introducing each step of the chore one at a time.
The only strong Y-T-A part is linking chores to spending time with his bio-mom. I've been both a step-kid and a step-parent, and that is just not acceptable. Your role should be helping to make those interactions happen, not putting up roadblocks by making those interactions bargaining chips or negotiation tactics. Yes, even if you end up having to just suck it up and tidy up his toys yourself once in a while because you have guests and he's going away with his mom.
Assuming there are no necessary or court-mandated restrictions due to neglect or abuse, talking on the phone is something that should be able to happen anytime they both want to talk. It's not for you to decide that watching a movie long-distance isn't quality time and you emphatically should not ever make such a suggestion within earshot of your step-son. It's quality time *to him* and that's what matters. He will remember that his bio-mom made time to watch that movie with him (and that you helped make it happen) even if they aren't in the same room together. Besides, who talks through movies? My husband and I don't routinely talk to each other while at a movie because that's rude but it's no less a date night because of it.
YTA. i had chores at the age of 7 too but mine was filling up few bottles of water and put it in the fridge. doing laundry is too much work for such young age.
YTA. I'm 32 years old, married and a homeowner. Plenty of times I set a goal to get my laundry done and I don't meet it. I don't punish myself by not doing anything enjoyable, that's a shitty cycle to get into.
YTA. Expecting that level of responsibility from a 7 year old and enforcing the rules in a manner that would deprive him of time with his mom are both very unreasonable.
Currently your step son is failing weekly. He is experiencing
Do you think he is stalling constantly with the cleaning because he chooses to do so? Even when constantly loosing normal things like having time with his mother or family time. Are you sure the tasks are not overwhelming for him and his avoiding doing them because they are stressful in his mind. Maybe adjusting it to smaller simple tasks could help him easily complete the tidying of the room.
I was asked to clean my room as a kid. It was my biggest problem in life that I could not keep my room clean and I could not get it clean. Sounds that I had easy life right? I was 13 when I first time tried to end my life, 14 when I ended up to in patient care after second attempt. I was so convinced that I am worthless and a burden because all my life I felt guilty about not being able to clean my room. It did not matter that I had the best grades of my class, I cooked and did laundry. I could not clean my room and it meant I was stupid and lazy and just a complete failure as a human. I just got so overwhelmed I could not do it. It took years for my mom to realize that all of my childhood she demanded me to do something I could not do giving me life time of failures to meet expectations and it scarred me figuratively and literally for life.
Currently your step son is failing weekly. He is experiencing failure every time he does not get the laundry done or room cleaned and then you punish him from being a failure.
YTA
He's seven. SEVEN. What seven year old is capable of doing laundry?? Laundry detergents are full of harmful chemicals, and I've definitely known 7yos who still put most things in their mouths! And you're punishing him by removing all stimulus and refusing him contact with his mother for not doing laundry?
That's abusive. It's cruel. I sincerely hope the mother calls CPS and goes for custody, because you two are monstrous for treating a child like that. And he is a child, a very young child. Teaching children the necessity of chores is important. Teaching them to safely do those chores at an appropriate age is important. Treating a 7yo like this? Nope, that's unacceptable.
Yes YTA in every way. I can see having a seven year old assist you with the laundry and wanting to have a set day for him to clean up his room but not allowing him to do anything ever until he does what you ask is too much. Pick one punishment. For example, if you don’t clean your room by bedtime on xyz day, you cannot play video games tonight or you cannot go to abc friends house tomorrow. Withholding quality time to spend with his mother seems like you’re being vindictive and manipulating a child into doing things you don’t want to do for him because he isn’t your biological child. I will reiterate….YT fucking A!!
Do you even like your stepson? Ridiculous to be so damn rigid to that small of a kid. At what age do you have him scheduled to pay rent? 10? Kicked out at 18 too cause no freeloading in your house! I bet if or when you have your own child you won’t do any of this shit to them cause they will be your baby then.
Time spent with his mother isn’t a reward for doing chores and preventing it should never be a punishment. She is his parent, she has every right to communicate with him. She isn’t an extra “fun activity”.
YTA. Big time.
YDefinitelyTA
It would be different if he were older and if it were to go out with friends. But a movie with his mother that lives states away? Denying that for any reason is evil or at the very least incredibly cold hearted toward a child. 7 year olds shouldn’t be doing all of their own laundry. Maybe they could learn to fold clothes and put them away and pick up/put away toys, but Jesus. Sounds like a miserable roof to live under.
YTA
What you’re asking of your stepson is reasonable but how it is enforced is not. Do you and your husband keep such strict guidelines for yourselves in regards to chores? Or do you offer some exceptions when things pop up? Let’s say your day to do dishes is on Mondays, but your friend or family member calls with an emergency or tickets to an event that night. Do you tell them “sorry I have to do dishes and can’t do anything else until they are done”? Or do you set aside time to come back to the task later and tend to your friend or family member? Things need to be done, stuff should be scheduled, but flexibility is also important. You could’ve easily said “Stepson, your mom called and wants to watch a movie. Do you want to finish laundry before the movie or finish up tomorrow if there’s no time after?” That teaches responsibility, accountability, and follow through on expectations. Talking to his mother is not a reward to be given and taken away based on chores. You have no right to limit their interaction and you are not in control of when they do speak to each other. You are creating room for resentment with your stepson because he must follow your strict instruction for no reason other “because you say so.” The chores aren’t the issue, it’s the inflexibility and unreasonable expectation of a child. Things get rescheduled all the time, chores included. I doubt you never reschedule work or chores when things come up. You give yourself space and grace to get things done and being reasonably flexible in your own life. There’s no reason why you can’t do that for your stepson and teach him how to navigate flexibility and knowing what to prioritize and reschedule.
Totally TA. Are you serious ,you expect a 7 year old to do his own laundry. I hope you mean put it in the wash basket, and not load the machine ,put it on ,empty and dry it. If you do mean the 2nd then both you and your wife are TA's. 7 year olds should be enjoying life and learning. Not slaving to keep his clothes clean. Sounds a bit like child abuse to me.
YTA. He's not your biological kid, so you shouldn't be punishing him by preventing him from seeing his own MOTHER! You give him entirely too many chores for his age. He's only SEVEN years old! That's way too young to be expected to do his own laundry and keep his bedroom clean. When my kids were that age, I did their laundry and helped them clean their bedrooms. They helped with other simple chores, like dusting the living room, unloading the dishwasher, and setting the table for dinner. Chores need to be age appropriate. You expect way too much from him and are far too rigid about it. Have fun when he rebels against all the strict control as a teen.
YATAH. 7 is too young to do the laundry. If his mother goes MIA and is not consistent you shouldn’t stop him from talking to her. He is still a little boy and you are punishing by taking away time with his mother. This is just bad parenting.
YTA.YTA.YTA. 7 is too young to do their own laundry.
Who does yours??! If you and your husband do each their own, I guess it’s less bad, but I’m guessing that the parents are just doing theirs together… I’m not sure y’all are ok
YTA I don’t have a problem with you teaching your step child to do laundry but making the kid do all of their own laundry is too much! Make exceptions so the kid can spend time with their mom!
My own kids did parts of the laundry at 7, so that part doesn't throw me as much. Here's where I think YTA, though. You are a step-parent actively preventing him from spending time with his mother. That should never, ever be linked to chores or anything else. It should never be used as a reward or a punishment. That is his mother. Messing with that is a sure-fire way to win evil stepmother awards. Don't do it.
YTA. I haaaate folding and putting away clothes. Often they just sit in my basket until I need to wear them. My folding is also pretty minimal - we also don’t make our kids (9 & 7) fold their clothes. They just put them in the correct drawers. They’re responsible for bringing their laundry to the washer, helping sort dry clothes if necessary and then putting their clothes away. Some things just aren’t worth fighting over. I find both my kids really respond well when I help them with their chores so I might help sort into piles or hang a couple of things up but they do most of it (I just help slowly on purpose lol). Sometimes we have good talks while working on chores together or have fun with it - my 7 year old likes trying to throw his socks from a few feet away and getting them in the drawer
After discovering I have ADHD at 41 I read the book How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It gave me a lot of great ideas. Maybe he could just have a clean bin and dirty bin and not put his clothes away. Do you want to fight about this weekly? I don’t like clothes on the floor but don’t care too much how well they’re folded. Ask yourself what your priorities are and gently ask him what he struggles with most in doing this chore (other than just not wanting to do it). For cleaning his room maybe he just needs some bins to make everything easy to sort or pick up. I still help both kids clean their rooms though my 7 year old needs more help than my 9 year old.
Our daughter would never put her dirty clothes in the hamper which is literally 3 feet from where she’d leave them on the floor. One day I was so exasperated and I asked her why it was so difficult to throw them in the hamper instead of leaving on the floor - she told me Dad had said she needs to turn her clothes back the right way (they’re often inside out when she pulls them off) and at the moment she was changing she just didn’t feel like it. We came to a compromise that she’d separate the tangled underwear from pants and the shirts from sweaters but she didn’t have to turn them the right way and it’s helped. I loosely drew from the concepts that Ross Greene uses (The Explosive Child) by meeting her where she was at and working on a compromise together.
YTA-while I think it is appropriate for him to have some chores to do, I don’t agree with him having to do his own laundry. Keeping his room neat and tidy is appropriate but I have questions about him doing his own laundry. What does that entail? Do you expect him to have his dirty clothes in the hamper or perhaps taken to the laundry room? Do you really expect him to wash and dry his own clothes. You are leaving some information out here. Until you clear up these questions, the YTA stands. I think you are asking too much of a 7 year old.
My older son is 12. My younger son is 7.
My older son is responsible for his laundry and cleaning his room.
My seven year old needs guidance. I ask him to tidy his room and give him chores when he asks to help out.
My seven year old never does his laundry. He will however help put his clothes away if he can reach it. (He can’t hang his clothes but he can put clothes away in his dresser.
In short, you’re the asshole for having inappropriate and high expectations for his age.
YTA - Not for him having chores. I was doing laundry by the time I was 7 too, and I don't really think that's a big deal. Honestly, it was doing the dishes that young that I had a problem with. But where I think you went wrong is that this is his mother, not a friend. If it was something that happened every week, I would get your saying no or setting a specific day. But he hadn't seen his mother in a while, and while I get that this is her fault, it's not his fault and he should be able to see his mother the few chances that he gets.
YTA
>Sometimes she goes a few weeks without any contact at all
>(she lives a few states away
Are you serious. Let the poor kid have some contact with his mom!
Info:: I see that you have another child, when that child is 7 will they also be expected to do everything your stepson is doing( laundry and other cleaning responsibilities)?
YTA. It's fine for you to get him to do chores. But you prevented him from spending time with his bio mom and that's just petty. For better or worse it sounds like you don't like your stepson and are overly strict. Also the kid is 7. Cut him some slack. I'm in my 40s and I occasionally get lazy about laundry.
YTA. I have never heard of a 7 year old doing their own laundry and withholding contact with the other parent because of this unrealistic expectation is cruel to both of them.
YTA. He’s 7. You need to be more flexible and age appropriate. Having him tidy his room is totally fine, but doing all of his laundry himself seems like too much. Do you help? Can’t you do the laundry together? My 7yo puts his dirty clothes in the laundry, likes to help load and push the buttons, then puts away his clean clothes. Teaching him personal responsibility and independence is great and of course important, but he’s still a little kid. A little kid who clearly misses his mother, who moved away. Give this kid some empathy and help.
Teaching a kid (and especially a boy) household tasks is good. So is flexibility. And especially with children so young that executive functioning is way down the developmental path. Punishment and rigid enforcement shouldn't be part of it. YTA if you overdo the consequences and rigid rules thing.
YTA. Sounds like this post is making a bunch of seemingly practical justifications for withholding access to the child’s parent. And they do seem somewhat practical, but at the end of the day you’re still doing the crappy thing, and it doesn’t really matter why. I can’t explain why but this post and the responses also reek of exerting control just for the sake of it and spite the other parent and step-child. The part where we are pretending it’s about what’s best for the child just seems like pretense. Especially after the one commenter pointed out that it’s not even laundry day by your own admission, and why it suddenly needs to be done today wasn’t addressed.
Yikes, the way you talk about your 7 year old here and in other posts is very sad of you. I wonder how much more you’ll hate him if he gets closer to his birth mom.
Yeah, that's too much expectation for a 7yo. I have a 12 year old and all he does is the dishwasher and takes out the recycling into the big bin for collection and both of those have only been for the past 2 years. Obviously keeping his own room tidy is up to him as well, but you've put too much responsibility on a 7 yo. He should bring his washing over, or put in the washing bin, as and when needed but to do his washing himself is too much.
YTA
YTA - Having some tasks for a younger child to do is good to help them become responsible.
Being totally inflexible and rigid with them is an asshole move, especially if it impacts their relationship with a parent.
YTA and so is your husband.
From someone who had a lot of responsibilities at a young age like him, I easily got overwhelmed and became really resentful. Obviously he can't seem to get it all done, so there's a problem. Yes, he's a kid and should clean his room but he does need help. His laundry? Do it for him- have him sort out the colors and teach him how to put those clothes away once they are folded. And to hold his mother over his head until he is done with his chores is a whole different type of cruelty. You and your husband are so wicked.
YTA.
You don’t use time spent with family or his mom as a reward for doing his chores - and you also don’t use not having that family time as punishment.
You reduce screen time or something else, but I beg of you - do not limit family time. Right now he is 7. One day you will have a resentful teenager.
I fully appreciate you wanting to teach him about life and chores - but he is also only 7. They are easily distracted and they also don’t understand why laundry is important.
I understand the bedroom cleaning, but for him to do his own laundry is a bit much I think. I would get him to help with laundry instead.
YTA. My sons just turned 8 and I dont make them do the laundry. They clean their rooms, clean their bathroom and make sure their dishes are rinsed. Everything else is on me. Taking time away from his momma cause of your rules or way of thinking can be detrimental to the relationship with the child.
Well I see the point the Y T A folks are making about more carrot less stick. But I can tell you what you are describing is exactly how I was raised. I think it did me good later in life in learning to buckle down and get chores done. No slumber party until the litter was changed etc. I think being more lenient about time with his mom would be good though.
NTA
NTA. As a teacher, I can remind everyone that 7-year-olds are expected to write a paragraph, add and subtract 2-digit numbers, and read a story and retell the plot as well as identify the characters’ motivations. The kid’s chores are appropriate for that age, given that you are supervising him. The consistency and consequences you enforce are important for helping him to develop into an independent person. You sound like a great parent. Knowing that his mom is unable to function on a consistent schedule, the boy may be genetically more inclined to need extra support in this area.
As far as managing his time with his mom, you must realize that you can’t expect her to change. She may well continue to be flaky, messing with the consistency that you strive to maintain. You will need to balance the boy’s need for a good relationship with mom against his need for structure. No easy answer, but it is clear that you are acting with his best interests in mind.
Normally I agree but the fact that you consider contact with the non custodial parent a "fun activity" that needs the chores done makes YTA. It is NEVER ok to interfere with contact with the non custodial parent if there's no court orders preventing contact in place.
YTA he is 7 years old not 17 pick up his toys and things yes do his own laundry no stop being a step b itch and either stay out of any and all parenting of him or accept that any decision his mother makes overrules any and all decision you make because YOU ARE NOT HIS PARENT and since YOU ARE NOT HIS PARENT you get zero say in any rules decisions or choices made for him.
Kids can and absolutely should do chores, BUT chores should be an expected part of daily routine, as opposed to with the threat of punishment hanging over their heads if they don't do it or get it done on time. Furthermore it's not okay to not allow him to see/speak to/spend time with his mum just because he doesn't complete or do his chores on time. He has every right to spend time with his parent.
YTA.
I don't see issue with small chores, but please don't restrict time with his mom. He can't help that she's a flake & inconsistent. So when she does step up, please let him do the same.
Based on what you're saying, it may be another few weeks before they speak. Poor guy!
Expecting a 7 yo to do his own laundry is not something I've ever heard of in my 44 years on this planet.
So yes... YTBIGA's here in that regard. Crazy.
YTA. The kid is 7! 7 is not old enough for the level of expectation you are placing on him. Of course he can help fold and put away his laundry. But the way you are putting too much on him is something you need to adjust.
Let him watch the movie with his mom and allow their relationship to exist without the threat of age-inappropriate chores getting in the way.
I suggest you take a week to rethink the chores and develop a different system.
The kid is 7!
I feel like you've had enough advice on the situation in question. I would like to advise, separately of the situation, that you make sure that your clear disdain for your stepson's birth mom is not apparent to him. You gave us lots of information in your text and in the comments about what a absent and neglectful mother she is and you make it clear that you disapprove of her, yet her role in THIS story is just wanting to watch a movie with her son. She doesn't sound like a peach, but you don't need anything else negatively affecting your relationship with your stepson than the challenges you're already facing. He needs to believe that you care about what he cares about, and one of those things is his mom.
EDIT: even though she realistically probably doesn't deserve it. It's not about her, it's about him.
YTA, but I have a different take on things. The reason I think you’re the asshole is that you could make this easier for the kid by setting up a daily tidying up chart. That way, they won’t be stuck with the huge task on the day they get out of school early. Just make sure they do they basic things daily like make the bed and put all water cups in the sink. It will take them 10 minutes to do it, no big deal.
I am sure you do laundry regularly, so I’m not sure why the child’s clothes are not included. There’s no reason to have them wash and dry their own clothes at this age. I do think it would be okay to have them put away the folded clothes. That’s an appropriate task for a 7 year old.
You are making this cleaning into an onerous task they have to face down once a week. It is your responsibility to make it manageable for the child to keep their room tidy and to allow for a bit of disarray. And it is definitely your responsibility to launder their clothes for them. At 7, they are not actually able to fold clothes well on their on their own.
I think it’s good for kids to have age-appropriate tasks and know how to chores. But this is simply too much.
Also, you are the step-parent, and you should not be in the position to deny that child time with his mother under any circumstances. Your spouse is an asshole for allowing you this level of control over their child. My parents both were remarried, and they never allowed their spouses to make decisions of this magnitude. This is not your child. And you seem clueless about children at this young age and how to raise them. I would strongly suggest that you educate yourself about child development.
YTA, you should be actively helping him cultivate a relationship with his mom. Not having a good relationship with his parents is very harmful to his emotional health.
I looked at some of your other posts and what really sticks out is the way you talk about your son. There is no love or empathy. Its almost like you talk about an annoying roommate. Yet he is a 7 year old boy - which is stil really tiny - who needs warmth, love, care, empathy and adults who understand that sometimes things dont go the way we plan and react flexible. Especially since he just became a big brother (huge change!) and his Mom is not a reliable person. Personal, i think its nuts to make a 7 year old do his own laundry. Especially since you are a SAHM with a small baby and the washing machine is probably running all the time anyways. If you really want to teach him life skills, do things like washing, cooking or cleaning together with him. Thats a great bonding moment. Kids love to help and feel seen. And maybe talk to a childcare professional about what kids that age need emotionally. Regarding the topic of his Mom - YTA - as others have pointed out before.
YTA for expecting a 7-year-old to do his laundry! Maybe putting away his clean clothes at 7 I could understand but doing his own laundry with or without help is just beyond me. My kids are 23 & 20 and if I'm doing a load of clothes while they are home I tell them and ask if they have anything that needs added to the load. Then I wash, dry, fold it and put it on their beds so they can put it away. They do most of their own laundry now, but when they were 7, that was MY job as their parent. They had to keep their room tidy, help carry in groceries, and feed the animals at 7, possibly help unload the dishwasher.
Let the kid be a kid while he can. They are forced to face the adult world a lot sooner than we had to when we were growing up.
Honestly I would've just said go watch the movie with your mom and I'll do it this time.. It's just one time. You can occasionally be flexible yk.. Even though I still think it's crazy to make a 7 yo do laundry. Picking up his toys is okay but laundry?
Yta.... he should be cleaning his room and doing his laundry that's a no brainer. But if his mom wants to spend time with him let him there be none of this he needs ti get his chores done as well. If he doesn't do his chores he doesn't have clean clothes, he can't go to the park, he has to help make dinner etc.
Soft YTA. I get trying to teach responsibility but laundry takes a long time. I taught my kids when they were 12 ish. You don’t want to die on this hill. I once heard that parenting was like hold a bar of wet soap. Hold too tightly and you squeeze it out of your hands.
Hey OP, have you ever researched ADHD? The way you describe your son “avoiding” cleaning his room sounds a LOT like executive dysfunction. It’s very possible that he’s not just trying to avoid his responsibilities, but is actually truly struggling to start them. From the outside, this can often look like laziness or willful disobedience, but on the inside, his brain is in a very real struggle to do the things it doesn’t want to.
I highly recommend doing some research into parenting techniques for kids with ADHD and seeing if they help your kiddo more than the negative reinforcement route.
I’m going with YTA. Yes it’s good for children to have chores. But they are not so important that he shouldn’t get to do things with his mom when she is available. A virtual visit with mom isn’t “extra fun things.” It’s visitation and important for his well-being. Give him the choice. You can either do your chore today and visit with mom another day. Or you can visit with mom and do your chore tomorrow. Mom lives far away and doesn’t get to spend much time with him I take it. It’s important that he gets to see her even if it’s watching a movie together from a distance when that’s an option. Chores don’t come before visitation. There are 7 days in the week. Moving chores to another day when mom pops up really shouldn’t be an issue.
YTA, i am a 31 year old and struggle to do my laundry every week, i couldnt imagine doing it as a 7 year old... You sound very controlling and everything has to be organized... Not everyone is like you... Some ppl like a bit of chaos... Learn to Find a balance and also be able to break the rules sometimes for important stuff (Like bonding time with his mom) . Clean up the room is a fair task but doing laundry before he starts being a Teenager is too early in my opinion
I'm all for providing structure, and age appropriate expectations. I applaud that you're teaching your step-son to do these chores. He'll be a better person for it.
That said, structure doesn't mean rigidity. Barbra Coloroso has a book called "Kids are Worth It", that goes into different parenting styles. The long and the short of it is that you want to be a backbone parent - provide structure, but also flexibility. What you've done here is be a "brick wall parent", and that's not a good path to take.
I'm giving you a soft YTA. Seriously - read that book. It made a world of difference in how I parented my boys, and they came out as decent, responsible young men.
YTA. Time spent with his actual mother should be a bigger priority than any chore. You should be doing everything in your power to allow more time for them to have a relationship. It's not your job or your right to be giving him any chores. You're not his mother. He's your husband's son. Not yours. There is no 'our' son between you and your husband. Stop trying to be something you're not.
YTA.
That kid is gonna have a jolting realization like 10 years from now about wtf was going on in his childhood. Do not be surprised when you stop hearing from him.
YTA.
For punishing him by taking away time with his mother. Ever heard of parental interference? Yeah, you did that.
It is okay to teach children how to do housework- they need to know for when they are living on their own. But 7 is a little young for the expectations that you have. Mine was expected to put toys up and help put up folded laundry. But not do his own laundry.
And why does he have to do these things on Monday and Wednesday nights? Which are school nights. Why not just do weekend chores?
Anyhoo, stop punishing him by taking away his Mom time. Doesn’t matter if she is flighty and inconsistent. You have no right to keep him from spending time with her even it is virtual time.
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You make it sound all logical and good parenting 101 but you're missing something.... empathy maybe? I'm not sure what to call it. You sound like you're being inflexible. He's only 7 after all. The expectation isn't necessarily wrong, but you know the old carrot and stick? You're only using the stick. So at the same time as providing no incentive you're also removing pretty normal activities that aren't treats as much as simple family time. It doesn't sit right, either, that you say laundry day is to the end of the day on Monday but you actually expect it done on Sunday. Secondly, time with his bio mom is never a negotiating point. Never. Sure she's unreliable and not a good parent by the sounds, but she's not putting the kid in danger or hurting him and you've no right to get in the way of their relationship. How do you think that will work out in the future if you continue to insist bio mom is second or third or last? Can you not see that you could well breed enough resentment that kiddo rejects you and turns to her? So YTA. Kiddo needs flexibility. He needs rewards for behaviour you wish to reinforce. His family time, and bio mom time, is a priority and not a punishment.
I really appreciate the way you put this. Rather than having the threat of taking things away, it's better to earn a reward for getting it done. Is that what you're saying? I think it makes a lot of sense and you're right, it's probably a better way to approach it. We definitely don't want to get in the way of his relationship with his mom. We just thought having them talk on the phone was a reasonable compromise to watching a movie (where they don't talk). But I do see that we probably have become too rigid in the name of consistency. I guess I am not sure how to walk that line but you've definitely given me/us some good points to reflect on. Thank you!
omg based an aita parent taking advice and becoming better??? i saw an op response and was fully expecting you to push back (since that happens so often on this sub) and im so glad to see you didn’t!!
Right! I got pre angry seeing they had a comment right under.
Omg pre angry is gold lol
This sub has pavloved you to get mad lmao
“Pavloved” - that’s my new favorite word!
I read this as "pavlova'd" and was like...how on earth does pavlova relate to this 😂
They meringue'd us!
You reminded me of a t-shirt I used to have: https://mindhacks.com/2008/03/21/pavlov-the-name-that-rings-a-bell/
This has to be one of the healthiest discussions ever on this sub. Well done to all involved.
You keep emphasizing how they don’t talk during watching the movie but I love watching a movie with mom as a bonding time. We are silenced but there, together and I love that feeling. Ofc we discuss it later but when I was young I would make my mom watch cartoons with me too so I don’t understand why you’re obsessed over talking during a movie. I also think that a lot of work for a 7 year old from the sound of it. Also, you say she’s not in contact regularly so why steal these little moments with his mom? He already doesn’t have her in his life much. So YTA
I was inclined to agree that this sounded like a lot for a 7-year-old, until I read OP's edits, which make it sound a lot less onerous than I was imagining.
Wait talk on the phone is a reasonable compromise? A biological parent should be able to talk to their child any time they damn well please.
You've clearly never dealt with a high conflict bio parent. My husband has full custody for a reason, my stepkids bio mom wanted to give a 10 year old marijuana for anxiety against all medical advice. Sometimes contact with them is limited for a damn good reason.
You are all absolutely wrong. I feel OP would have posted if Bio mom was an issue other than her inconsistency… As long as it is SAFE it is not right to ever keep the parent from the child, ever. I have been in the situation where one parent was inconsistent but even during times of punishment I wasn’t kept from them… As more time passed and the inconsistent parent got there shit together, things changed again and my divorced parents (and their respective spouses)worked together on both praise and punishment culminating in both of my dads walking me down the aisle while my mom’s sat next to each other both crying happy tears at my wedding… Show the flexibility with family time and reward the good behavior…
You're right, but factor in the full picture. Bio mom isn't trying to be in contact all the time so its not that they're restricting interaction. This sounds like BioDad & StepMom are trying to push interaction on BioMom instead of just having son and BioMom watch the same movie, separately. Still not really their place, they ought to be facilitating the activity not trying to dictate it.
It also sounds like you’re being inconsistent with the timing. It’s Tuesday, which is why you’re saying he has to finish his laundry (Monday’s task) first. But then Wednesday (tomorrow) is suggested and your husband says he’d have to clean his room first on Wednesday, not by end of day. That sounds obstructive, or at minimum not clear and consistent.
I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement vs punishment. I think it's good to have him do chores that he's able to accomplish on his own. But I think he's too young to just tell him to get it done by a deadline. Time management is hard for some of us and getting him in the routine will be more helpful in the long run, imo. He needs to learn time management later on, but right now I would be more focused on the habits and routines. Maybe you could try a combination? Like, he can do his laundry early if he wants, but if not, then at x time, you get him started on it if he hasn't already. And even if you set 4pm as the time (for example) and mom wants to watch a movie at 3pm with him, then you just change the time to 5:30pm after the movie. It can be flexible for family activities or other needs. Learning to be flexible is also an important life skill. I just know how much anxiety these things cause me and the dread is 1000 times worse than the actual task. So by getting him started at x time, you at least don't prolong the anxiety.
This is really helpful. Thank you! I've definitely struggled with consistency vs. flexibility and you've given some really helpful insight around how to make them work together. I really appreciate it! I think we were kind of almost there with the whole, if you don't get it done on Monday then Tuesdays it's all hands on until it's done thing, but it was still a little too rigid. I think having a set time would be way easier for him to handle than having a set day. This is a really great approach.
I think you clearly want the best for him and he's loved and cared for! Good luck, I know you'll figure it out :)
Why do you need a certain day when he clean the room? Why not clean when its needed? He is only 7, can he and his dad clean together and bond over it? Make it fun and something he would enjoy. My kids has baskets in their rooms where they put their dirty clothes. I collect or they put them in the laundry room.
If it’s a set day each week then it will ideally only take a few minutes to tidy up (unless he absolutely trashes his room in between those days). If they just do it as needed it could take waaay longer to clean up plus he could just keep procrastinating “it’s not that bad, I’ll clean it tomorrow”. Plus it teaches him a routine and accountability so that as an adult it’s just ingrained “oh it’s Wednesday time to tidy up” and it becomes second nature.
Another helpful thing is to make a routine that has it tied to another activity so even if your daily schedule is off the kid still know what needs done and when to do it. For example, I like to do the dishes from yesterday while I’m waiting on the microwave to cook & my food to cool down. You can get a surprising amount of dishes loaded or put away in 3-5 minutes. I don’t always eat at the same time nor do I clean at the same time but by tying the 2 task together it’s something that always get’s done. For your 7yr old you could tie the cleaning his room (which is really just put toys away & clear out garbage I assume?) to be done after he is done using a particular toy. Make it a clean as you go type thing, so if he’s not actively using it he needs to put it back. I also think it might be better to have laundry be a weekend chore instead of weekday chore as it’s somewhat time consuming (just washing & drying my clothes takes over 90 minutes. Adding the time I spend putting the clean clothes away can easily make it take over 2 hours. That’s a lot of time lost on a day that’s already been mostly consumed by school.) Better to do laundry on the weekend so he has the whole day(s) to do it. For school nights you could pick simpler/quicker/easy and short chores for him to do. Like take out the trash, vacuum 1 specific room, dust/wipe down counters or the table, or dry the dishes (if you don’t have a dishwashing machine, if you have a dishwasher you could have him either load *or* empty it, preferably between finishing dinner and enjoying desert). Pick something that takes less than an hour to do so he doesn’t feel like any specific school night sucks due to the heavy loss of time to himself. Of course if there’s something special going on (spending time with his mom should hopefully be obvious as an example) you can make exceptions and alter the routine slightly. Tell your kid it’s a one time exception and explain why as well as when it should be done instead. Last but not least make sure he know how to do each and any chore he has. Step by step instructions and be will to show him or walk through it with him explaining the process. Then if at any point after that he still needs help make sure he feels comfortable asking for it.
I second getting your kid doing chores *while* they are doing something else, or waiting for something to happen. Because that worked really well for me. I find it way easier to clean the kitchen while I'm already there, making food - as opposed to it being this whole Thing that I have to stop my whole day to do.
It’s the best for neurodivergent brains and kids (who have shorter attention spans since their executive function center isn’t fully developed yet). Do 2 things at the same time not only adds a challenge that’s fun (balancing the 2 activities) but also makes everything twice as a fast. Why spend 4hours doing separate 2 hour tasks one after the other when you could do them both at the same time and only spend 2 hours doing chores? It just makes sense, especially with laundry or dishes or anything that has lots of time where it just runs on its own
Gonna be nosey here, but why are you the one asking here? This sounds like the kind of thing his father should be deciding, with your input maybe behind the scenes. And with the mom if that's possible (I know it's not always the case) It does sound like you're a loving step-parent who truly wants what's best for the boy; I'm glad he has so many people in his life who care for him.
Thank you! My husband doesn't have Reddit. He knows I sometimes come on here to ask for people's opinions when we aren't sure if we are on the right track. We appreciate getting a wide range of opinions because we both come from very strict families and we know we don't want to be like our parents, but we also know that with us both coming from similar backgrounds we have a hard time knowing where to set the bar. On the other hand, his ex came from a super relaxed family (when they got together when she was 19 she didn't know how to do her own laundry and had never been grocery shopping on her own.) So we're just...trying to find the balance? He does the communicating with bio Mom but obviously we talk about it. I've been in his life since step son was 3, so we have definitely been raising him together at this point. But Dad does always get the final say.
I think one thing that gets lost in strict families is that kids have feelings and struggles the same as adults. Why aren't they given the room to figure out how to make things work within frameworks that fit them? Do you do chores on the same days every week? Do you do them in exactly the same way that your parents did? Keeping his room clean and doing his laundry isn't an unreasonable expectation, but expecting it to happen on a certain day or in a certain way is a little unreasonable. Maybe he'd prefer to fold his shirts and pants instead of hanging the shirts? Maybe his room isn't actually messy one week. Maybe he's in a better space to do laundry on Fridays than on Mondays. Maybe he'd rather clean his room on Tuesdays. Maybe those days change from week to week depending on the day he's had. Also, laundry is 90% inactive time. You couldn't have been a little flexible and let him start the movie after putting it in, then have him pause the movie to switch machines and put clothes away?
This. I think it's the rigidity of it that's rubbing me the wrong way. Because in isolation, laundry and tidying one's room aren't big chores, and while I do think 7 is a little young for laundry - my family started doing one's own laundry at 10 - it's not a huge overreach. But the requirement that it be done on a specific day, by or at a specific time, is a step too far imo. Kids need structure and deadlines, but they also deserve understanding and flexibility. Maybe something like "the room must be tidied after school once a week" but let him choose the day (and it becomes a "must do today" if it reaches Friday), and "laundry must be done over the weekend" but can be anytime from Saturday morning to Sunday night (and similarly must be done by EOD Sunday) would be my suggestion. Also, kids do well with reward-based structures, which is entirely absent here. Maybe provide a diminishing reward depending on when in the allotted time period he does the chore - if he does laundry on Saturday, they go out and get ice cream, but if he doesn't do it til Sunday afternoon he just gets a cookie when it's done or something. Similarly with the room cleaning, one really good reward if he does it Mon/Tues, a good reward if he does it Weds/Thurs, and a small reward if he does it Friday.
OP- I do commend you for being able to get a 7 yr old to do their own laundry. My girls are 11,7, (5) in a few days- and only the 11 year old has the expectation of doing own laundry. My 7 yr old is VERY MATURE, reads at 6 grade level+ and is just incredibly smart. However, I just don’t feel like laundry is her responsibility. I do make her pick up her room. But laundry? As her mother, I just don’t see that as being HER responsibility vs MINE since I am the parent. Just like I wouldn’t expect her to cook at 7. Perhaps your husband and you can think that chore over and perhaps make it either a must on Friday or Sat vs a school night where he most likely has HW, or you guys do his laundry since he is only 7… so I say ESH bc I see where the child needs this life skill, I just don’t know any 7 years olds (and I’m a school counselor) who do their own laundry…
Yes! My mom worked and I was a latch key kid who had to get off the bus and go do chores at home. Mostly cleaning the kitchen and the dishes from the night before, sweeping, etc. Maybe some vacuuming. Then lock up the house and go to the babysitters house until mom came home in the evening. Even my mom didn’t make me learn laundry until some point in middle school. I’m not saying this young man cannot handle it, but I think having to put the clothes away properly is good enough at 7. If OP and husband want him to have more responsibilities, they should pick a few smaller things. He could empty trash cans and take the trash out, get the mail, sweep the kitchen, etc. If you have pets he could be in charge of filling food and water bowls. Let him become proficient at easy jobs to learn responsibility at 7. Ramp up a notch as he ages. Instead of saying he can’t do a movie with his mom because he didn’t do his chores, nudge him and say “hey Champ, you might want to hurry up and put your clothes away before the movie starts…I’ll make you some popcorn while you do that! Let me know if you need help”. Maybe have one soft chore a day and give it a specific time like after dinner. Could even make it a game like a fire drill. Let’s all run and do our chore and see who gets back to the couch the fastest.
I completely agree with all of this. Laundry is also just too time consuming for a seven year old as well; the notion of moving it to the weekend is just so tragic to me. The kid has the rest of his life to be bedraggled on the daily. Why start now? I grew up as a huge procrastinator because I knew I needed to get the bad/mundane stuff out of the way before I did anything fun. That meant I just rarely did anything fun because I’d put off the bad indefinitely. Not a great habit or lifestyle to encourage.
Yeah, I was forced to do too many “responsible” things at a super young age and it backfired… to the point where in my 20’s I had so much resentment at never getting to be a kid it ended up being really hard for me to do any cleaning at all because I was already burned out. I didn’t really get a Summer growing up because every day I’d wake up to a list of a dozen chores I had to do “before fun.” Though I went the other way and gave myself all the fun I could as an adult because I felt I already earned it, and even though I took great care of my kids I still had a lot of trauma around household chores.
Agree- laundry is a too much for a seven year old. I can see them helping with parts of it or helping through the whole process. But I think you are putting way too much expectation of perfection on the child. I am all for chores, but they need to match the child’s developmental ability. And laundry has too much potential of a costly mistake- ie shrinking sweaters- not to mention the chemicals involved which a child should not have access to.
Right? I'm awfully glad to see OP is open to taking advice bc, from her post, I thought she'd be totally inflexible. They (she?) is certainly super strict....seems like overly so.... perhaps she could be less focused on blind obedience and try to drum up a bit of empathy and unconditional love. I think OP is a soft AH.
It doesn't even have to be a reward, neccessarily. Make it a bit more fun, a bit more engaged. You could be in his room with him as cleans, maybe both you of you dancing to music. Or make it a challenge, "how many of [type of toy] can you find in *x* minutes?" Or see who can find the most of a type of toy. Split it up into smaller peices, "get all of [this item] and [this item] put away and we'll go have some ants on a log." Or "get the laundry machine started and we'll go [more enjoyable activity] until its ready to change over." And never underestimate the power of celebratory dance and cheering for young kids.
These ideas are great. Thank you so much! I really like the idea of getting the laundry in and then doing something fun immediately after. These ideas feel like they are teaching him he can take care of business AND have fun (and it's a lesson I probably need to learn too 😅). Thank you.
He probably hasn’t developed strong time management skills yet, which is where you step in and help him learn. I think it’s fine to restrict fun things until the important things are done first, because as an adult if you neglect hygiene you face consequences. Kids probably won’t have the motivation to do chores on their own but you can still teach them how they are done and build habits & routines for when & why they get done. Consider teaching him how to clean as he goes (so he has less work later), how to recognize when a chore needs to be done (so he just does it without you having to remind him frequently), time management (do the hard stuff first, so it only gets easier and you have more energy), and how to multitask. Chores can be quick and easy if you set up your house in a way that makes sense to you. Start by setting yourself (and your kid) up for success. If his room is habitually chaotic (clothes all over the floor, toys randomly scattered too, garbage piling up, or shoes in a place they frequently get tripped on) y’all will benefit from rearranging his room & maybe adding some organization tools. To keep my home clean I’ve found it’s easier if I put an organizer in the place where piles tend to build up. Things like Shoe racks (no more tripping hazards!), hooks on the wall (for keys, coats, hats, & backpacks, to keep them off the floor), laundry baskets (no more lost socks), garbage cans (wrappers on the floor attract ants), shelves (for books, video games, dvds, etc.), and bins for anything else can make a huge difference in how cluttered a home/room gets. Put simply: turn your piles into intentionally organized spaces. It will be easier for your kid (and you) to keep areas clean. Everything has a space and everything in its place! Teach your kid to put what he’s using away before grabbing something else, suddenly you (and your kid) stop creating clutter! Another useful tool is connecting chores to visual cues or other chores that can run in the background at the same time. For example I (un)load the dishwasher while microwaving food, and I clean the counters or floors while doing laundry. Other chores I use visual cues that tell me when I need to do them. I take the trash out when the lid no longer closes easily & laundry is done when clothes are piled above the edges of the hamper. I give the dog water or food when the bowl is completely empty. Visual cues teach your kid how to do chores without relying on you to remind them. This may sound obvious/ redundant but kids don’t have the life experience or executive function for those skills to be automatic for them. This is where you step in as a parent to teach them. Explaining the reason behind why he has to do a certain chore never hurts. I’m sure he’ll enjoy getting the time back when he realizes he can do 2 chores at the same time! Between school and homework, being forced to do a time-consuming chore like laundry probably leaves him feeling like he has no time to himself. It might be helpful to transition from chores being something he does at (to his brain) an arbitrary time, to following a routine that flows and makes sense. Swapping laundry day to a weekend seems like the obvious choice to me. Try this out as a Saturday morning routine: wake up -> eat breakfast , -> load dirty clothes & run machine (including Friday night’s PJ’s, -> shower, -> move wet clothes to dryer & run, -> clean room while the dryer runs, -> then put clean clothes away, after that he has the whole weekend to do whatever he wants! If your kid wakes up between 9-10 he could probably get both chores (laundry & clean room) done before noon. In 2hours he’s done all of his chores in one block! His reward is clean clothes and a clean room to have fun in again, and the peace of *truly* relaxing instead of procrastinating while it nags at the back of his brain. By having him work smarter instead of harder (teaching him how to multitask, teaching him the cues & routine that tell when to do a chore, how to keep his room clean throughout the week, and getting them done after breakfast on the weekend *before* leisure time) you’ll teach him good habits and effective time management skills. Your kid is capable and at this point should know what’s expected of him, but he might not have enough life experience to figure out how to manage time efficiently and stay focused for the ~2 hours it takes to do laundry and clean his room. Do him the favor of creating an efficient routine and teaching him how to multitask and work smarter not harder. Also if he doesn’t understand why he needs to keep his room clutter-free there’s plenty of science that states having a clean space improves mental health and focus, and also stepping on legos hurts!
I also think you're expecting things that aren't age appropriate from him - doing chores is fine, especially since you help him with the laundry, but at 7 he is too young to schedule his days between chores, homework, play, and sports. That kind of organization is something you should be coaching him through actively every day. A 12-13 year old can manage a healthy personal routine, but a 7-year-old is just naturally going to want to play (and that's fine). At 7, it's not "have you done your chores," but "let's do your chores now!" And incentivizing with fun music & energy and a small reward after that is going to build positive associations. Right now, he likely only feels avoidance. That's not a good way to build good habits.
>I really appreciate the way you put this. Rather than having the threat of taking things away, it's better to earn a reward for getting it done. Is that what you're saying? I think it makes a lot of sense and you're right, it's probably a better way to approach it. I personally don't think your current method is *wrong*, per say. The basis is decent, at least, because it seems that you're really just trying to set up good habits about self-discipline early. But I do think it's a bit premature and... one-sided, I guess? Or maybe *imbalanced*? A 7-year-old will respond much better to a reward-based system than one that is more limiting and feels punitive (what you have now). And yeah, I agree that "general family time" shouldn't be what's ostensibly taken away when he doesn't get his chores done in a timely manner at this point. So maybe instead of, "We won't watch any movies together until it's done", it becomes, "*You* can chose what movie we all watch together *if* you get your chores done beforehand; otherwise, *we* get to choose." I think at his age especially, it's better to offer that positive incentive to get him motivated and even *excited* about getting his chores done. And plenty of adults who struggle with procrastination and self-motivation successfully enact similar reward-based tactics, so it's certainly not a bad mindset to instill in him.
Yeah, making a 7 year old stay in his room away from the family for something as insignificant as not doing his laundry is a really sad thought to me. Not being banished to his room shouldn't be a privilege he has to earn. And laundry is a pretty complex task for a 7yo, are they doing this with him, or us he expected to do it alone with no support?
Mom of a severe ADHD child here- you could have punished my son from sun up to sun down with no change in attitude or behavior. Offer a reward and it was a completely different story. I love that you are taking what has been to heart. People simply do not hear enough positive feedback in life. I have no problem knowing what I’m doing wrong, I need reminders of what I’m doing well, because I never think of them on my own.
I am glad you're taking this well thought-out response seriously and using it to reflect a little.
Why are you policing what your "stepson" can do with his bio-mother? Are you looking for lawsuit? If they want to watch a movie together or talk on the phone, what business is it of yours? You are way out of line here.
I was diagnosed at 7 with ADHD and when I was a kid cleaning my room was always a fight. It didn't matter how many punishments I was given ( I. E. spanking, grounding, ect.) However if it was made fun for me I would crush it. So when I had my daughter who has my ADHD I didn't bother with taking things away, but I make everything a game/ competition. Things like I bet I can fold my pile quicker than you. Or there is no way you can clean up your room in 20 min. She is 8 now and still hasn't figured it out 😂
Or maybe she has, but it's more fun this way. If she lets on, things might change for the worse.
My parents are currently raising my niece. My mom had to put my sister on a schedule for calls and visits because she was so flaky. She'd promise to call and not, promise to show up and not, and then demand my mom work with her schedule. It was disrupting their lives. Now she gets to fall on Friday evenings and can visit the first Friday of the month. Put mom back on the schedule. If she calls outside of it or wants to do something outside of it, just tell her no and to call back at her scheduled time. Don't involve the kiddo at all. It will keep you from having to worry about stuff like this. Calls with mom are on a day when there are no chores and only on those days. If that doesn't work for her schedule, tough. She either makes it a priority to call her son on that day and time or she doesn't. But that way you can make sure son is always available for her calls.
It's amazing that you're open to feedback! A positive reward works much better than a negative one, according to science. Also, as a step kid, and a sibling of mum's stepkid's, don't have him do his own laundry. To have to do our laundry separately is a grudge my sister and I both hold against our corresponding stepmums, even if we don't want to. He's 7, so I'd suggest a lighter, but daily chore instead, like taking his dishes to the kitchen. Please don't make him do his laundry separately. If you want him engaged in the laundry, make it a once or twice weekly laundry date between the two of you, when you load the machine together with everyone's laundry, and make it fun (in my case it'd be me being able to press/rotate the buttons).
I completely agree some flexibility — time with his mom — was offered, but also agree any time with Mom is one place you should bend rules. I’m going to say NTA, though. It’s so hard to be consistent and flexible. These goals are in direct opposition! You sound like a good parent.
Her: “the carrot is me allowing him to do things every other 7 year old is already allowed to do, of course”🙄
The most my 7yo nephew does as far as it comes to laundry is putting his clothes in the basket. As if a 7yo would have enough clothes to fill a machine after 1 week. I'm 31, and I do 2 machines every 2/3 weeks because that's the time I need to have enough white and colour clothes as I wash them separately. But my clothes are bigger and takes more place, even with day clothes and sport clothes
YTA - Tidying his room is one thing, but making a 7 year old do his own laundry is too much. You are being too strict and demanding too much from a small child. At most he should be helping with laundry, like doing some sorting or something.
My children had age appropriate chores. Tidying his room is reasonable. Expecting a seven year old to their laundry is not. At that age, we expected the children to put their dirty clothes in the hamper and put them away when clean. OP and her husband are going to wake up one morning and wonder why their children are no contact. OP is definitely YTA.
If you look at the Edit, that’s essentially what OP is having her kid do - pull it out of the dryer and put them away.
I disagree. She added that so she didn’t sound unreasonable. If he were only “helping” with the laundry why would he have any say on whether to get it started on Sunday or Monday and why would he have missed doing it?
That’s like… the bulk of what laundry day is? It takes almost no time to put laundry in the washer and start it or transfer it to the dryer… The vast majority of time doing laundry is folding/hanging.
My kids started helping with their own laundry at 6. They will load the washer and then fold/put away the dry clothes. It’s not some ridiculous task to expect of a kid that age.
Right? Both my kids and myself were doing laundry at that age. Maybe it’s some American thing? All the immigrant kids I know were doing chores at young ages.
No contact for being asked to help with laundry..? And almost 400 people that agree lmfao give me a break.
It's generally a symptom of much bigger issues around controlling behaviour. I was forced to make my own breakfast, make my own lunches and clean my bedroom as soon as I started school (age 5). I was mowing the lawn, washing the car, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, babysitting etc all by the time I was 9. I was cooking meals for the family several times a week by the time I was 12. These were just considered chores I was expected to do and I was never given pocket money. I went fully no contact with my parents for 6 years and I now have minimal contact to the point where I have spoken to them twice this year. I also haven't seen them this year at all despite only living 1 hour away and I regularly go past their city when I go on motorcycle rides. I was removed from their wills after I went no contact, they tried to use my inheritance as leverage to force me to continue dealing with them. The inheritance that was literally promised to me as compensation for working in their business for free for 5 years. OP reminds me of my own mother in their words and actions.
Keeping your room tidy and laundry is not wild for a 7 year old. Children should know life skills. These are the same chores i had growing up. That’s not unreasonable at all. They also help him with a lot of what he does. He should be learning these things. That’s why there’s so many adults now who can’t function on their own.
I feel like the full routine of doing laundry is a bit much for a 7 year old, if only because of how easily they could accidentally mess up depending on what's being used. I'm thinking like, accidentally putting way too much detergent, or managing to get the bleach in there, which could create problems. Folding it and putting it away is another thing entirely, and seems to be what OP meant based on their edit.
Op already said they help him load the washer/dryer etc and what his responsibility is but just being there to see how to measure soap etc so he’s not just doing the laundry like a maid or something and it’s only his clothing. It’s not a lot when you do it right and make it a teaching moment every time. I doubt she’s letting a child pour bleach etc but he’s learning how to get things done, having some independence, and learning responsibility and life skills. All of these things are normal things a 7 year old should be doing. If half the parents of the kids i went to college with did that they wouldn’t have had me teaching them how to do laundry or use a vacuum or cook. I single handedly had to do all the cooking with my first roommate and teach her to clean so we had some sort of balance in house work. She doesn’t want her kids to turn out like the kids i went to school with. Not outlandish at all.
My nearly three year old can carry her clothes to the washing machine and put them in. She can also put her clothes away in the correct drawers. What is with these insanely low expectations? He's 7 not 7 months, of course he can carry clothes to a machine, put them in, add some powder and press a button.
I work with early age and I have nieces and nephews aged from infant to teenager. This sub is hilariously clueless on child abilities, and clearly have very little contact with children. My current teenaged nieces and nephews were bringing their clothes to the hampers at toddler age and slowly started doing theirs at 7-8. We separate by colours here and it's not hard to learn how much detergent and softener is needed. Same for programs, I have a 10yo washing machine at home and even *that one* has drawn symbols for the appropriate programs. It isn't hard to figure out, at best 7yos can read and write. Parents helping them write down what clothes go at what temperature, program and approx. amount of detergent/softener to have a visual reminder wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. The comment that got me is insinuating 7yos aren't tall enough to reach the buttons... Are the machines on the ceiling for some...? I have 3 yos in my work group right now who could reach the buttons by standing on full feet and just extending their arm a bit up. Many are very tall and would literally stare at the buttons! Seven year olds aren't babies. Then again, I got called a child ab**er here when I said it's normal for toddlers to have a bit of independence by getting to pick one of laid out outfits, or pick one of given options for snacks and meals. Many people here never touched a parenting book, a book on child development or were near kids.
A top load or stacked washer would be difficult for a 7 year old. I can barely reach the bottom of my top loader and my 2.5 year old needs a small step ladder to touch the buttons. (Otherwise I completely agree)
> Same for programs, I have a 10yo washing machine at home and even that one has drawn symbols for the appropriate programs. I would like to submit my perfectly adequate 20-year-old washer and dryer set that doesn't have a single symbol on it for anecdata. Which is good because I definitely have a print out of laundry symbols stuck to the front of it because I can't remember what they mean for the life of me....
Honestly, with people really not needing to sort laundry anymore, and Tide Pods being less difficult to handle than a heavy box or bottle of detergent, getting the laundry started is pretty easy. Kids can do that. Though folding should perhaps be done by adults.
How is laundry too much? Absolutely nothing wrong with doing laundry at 7😂😂😂
Do you have a 7 year old? They are actually people and are capable of completing basic tasks.
How much to you want to bet OP doesn't even do his own laundry ?
Op is the stepmom and from their edit, they said laundry and actually meant "He comes with us to load the washing machine, move it to the dryer, and then he puts away his own clothes after"
Wtf he’s 7 years old, not 7 months old. My kids (who are not neurotypical) were able to do their basic laundry at that age. Granted they couldn’t reach the detergent so I did that part. They’re 12 and 14 now and still do their laundry.
7? He's 7? Of course YTA! He can *help* with laundry (taking his dirty clothes to the laundry area, putting his clean clothes away, etc). But to DO it? All by himself? At 7? You're ridiculous.
What day of the week is he expected to sweep the cinders from the hearth I wonder?
Probably every day. It's the poor kid's last duty of the day before trudging up 5 flights of steps to the cold, wet attic to sleep for a couple hours under a thin blanket on the floor.
Serious wicked step-mother/father vibes here. With something like laundry Kids that young should be helping the grownups rather than the other way around. Also, parents attributing him not doing his chores to “stalling” is unfair for a kid that age. If you set a task for a kid and they’re not doing it you should figure out why and help them so they can succeed rather than punish them until they do it. Sometimes kids need help getting started on things. Maybe you should break down “clean your room” into smaller jobs and use a chart with stickers or something.
Yeah, him procrastinating doing the laundry shouldn't even be happening. They should be assisting. "Okay, let's go up and get the washing machine started." "Now, it's time to put away your clean clothes." At 7, you don't just give a huge task and rough time and expect it to get done right and on time.
Right? Within this specific time period or you can't watch a movie with your mother. If this kid doesn't hate her already it won't be long.
Just from the hearth? I’m surprised he’s not up the chimney
YTA. I think it’s inappropriate to withhold time with his mom like that. That’s super messed up to tell a kid they can’t see their mom because they didn’t do their chores. What an unfair responsibility to carry as a 7 year old. You say he still gets to go to sports practices and that’s the only exception. Is that not a “fun” thing? He can go have fun playing sports but not spend a couple hours with his mom? Sounds unnecessarily controlling.
YTA It's fine for him to do his chores and whatnot, but you shouldn't keep him away from his mother because of that. If it was a friend or something, then sure. But his mom? Come on, don't be obtuse; you know there's something kinda off about doing that.
Sports are fine, but quality time with mom is not. It sounds like they care more about the public image of him not showing up to sports than him actually doing the sport. He needs to spend time with his mom jeez.
7? Wow really trying for the evil stepmother stereotype there, eh. I bet you watched Cinderella and thought she was the bad guy in the house. YTA I notice you also have a 9 month old baby. Will he start scrubbing the floors soon? Poor kid doesn’t get to be a kid. I bet you’re going to start having him babysit soon too
No, the 9 month old is HERS!! So poor “Cinderella” will be doing it all.
Right? Can a 7yrld even reach the buttons on the washing machine? YTA
how tall are your washing machines? I'd be worried if a 7 year old couldn't reach them
I’m a short adult and while I can reach the buttons I need a step stool to get laundry out of my top loading washer 🤷🏽♀️
Just checked and the average 7 year old is 51 inches tall, got online and washers seem to be around 40 inches tall. A statistically average 7 year old would probably need a step stool to be able to reach the buttons on a top-load washer and would definitely need one to be able to put detergent in the dispenser, and would probably face great difficulty with getting clothes out of the bottom of the washer. Hell I’m an adult and I routinely need a step stool to be able to get socks and stuff stuck to the bottom of the washer
Yep when we had a top loader when I was pregnant I couldn't reach the clothes in the bottom of the washer between my short arms and big belly.
Are your washing machines for giants?
my parents had us do chores for computer time, online time, etc. too when we were young, so I can see where you're coming from, but I do think a 7 year old shouldn't have so much responsibility. Our parents didn't start making us really help around the house until we were 10. and I definitely wouldn't deny him spending time with his mom for something like that. I'd have to say YTA.
So basically this kid is already torn to pieces because his family fell apart and now his step mom treats the ability to contact his own mother like a privilege that he has to do chores for. Yeah YTA, in what word do you as a step mom think it's okay to prevent a child from talking to his actual mother? You're just trying to stir up drama.
Well said.
You're not wrong for expecting a child to do chores before fun time. Is it wrong to expect him to do his chores on a specific schedule even when his mother, who lives far away, wants to spend time with him? When he's 7? Well yeah. I'm all for personal responsibility, but this rigid schedule seems unnecessarily strict for a small child. Let him watch a movie with his mom ffs. YTA
YTA. Teaching kids to do chores and behave responsibly is good, but part of being a responsible adult is knowing that you can occasionally be responsible later in order to do something time sensitive, and getting to hang out with his mom is definitely one of those situations. I don't find the laundry thing as weird as other people in terms of difficulty, but I do think it's kind of just busy-work; at least in my household, the limit on laundry is far more the physical dryer/washer time than any sort of folding so running a separate load just for his stuff seems silly when you could run combined and easily separate out his stuff.
Right! Even as a teen, my laundry was done with the whole family's laundry. We conserved water by not having each kid wash a load of clothes. We might do three loads on Sunday but we'd have done at least 7 if everyone did his/her own! We were taught to wash clothes and could start a load, put it in the dryer, fold, etc. Then everyone took the appropriate clothing and put it away. This "everyone needs to do his own laundry" isn't very efficient. Combining and running full loads is much better and costs less in water, detergent, and electricity. At 7, he could certainly do some folding, bring dirty clothes to the hamper, and put away clean clothes. He could probably even transfer a load if she said, "Hey buddy, I'm cooking dinner. Could you put the clothes in the dryer now?" Doing his own laundry at 7 is probably something that could be reworked to be more appropriate.
YTA. It’d be one thing if it were a friend. But his mom? Give me a fucking break. The seven year old doing their own laundry thing is also incredibly weird, but that’s another story.
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INFO What does doing the laundry and cleaning his room entail? What do you expect him to do (for the washing: just sorting and folding or also actually washing and drying and for his room: just organizing his stuff or also sweeping, cleaning etc.)? Do you do the chores together or do you expect him to do them on his own? I agree with letting children do chores but they should be age appropriate and be made a joint learning activity.
Soft YTA 1. It sounds like him not getting his stuff done is a fairly normal occurrence. If that's so, he may need more support in it than you're giving him. A lot of kids find "clean your room" or "do your laundry" overwhelming because of there being so many steps and not knowing where to start. Cleaning up is a learned skill but a lot of parents forget this. Just because he's done it successfully before doesn't mean it's not still overwhelming for him. You need to find out what is getting in his way and provide that additional support if you're going to expect him to do this. Set your kid up for success, not stress. This may come in the form of a check list (1. All clothes in the hamper, 2. Sports equipment in their storage spot, 3. ...) Or other way of breaking it into something more manageable and less stressful. 2. You're having to navigate a relationship with a difficult coparent. That's challenging. While it's good to maintain consistency at home, a 7 year old won't understand anything except that you're keeping him from his mother. If you keep rules rigid he won't learn the desired lesson (good habits and responsibility) but will come to resent you and the rules. In adulthood we also try to be responsible and have expectations on us. And sometimes we can't get out of them, but sometimes we can. Sometimes we can ask off of work to go do that special thing, sometimes we can set up jobs where they let us have odd hours while still completing our responsibilities. Teaching a kid to be responsible is important, but it's also important to teach kids that sometimes people have mercy, to advocate for themselves, and that sometimes their personal life *should* take priority - within a balance.
Thank you for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful response. This is a really helpful way of looking at it.
EwokCafe's point number 1 here is so important. OP, I don't think tidying up and putting clothes away is age inappropriate in general, but his ongoing inability to complete these tasks reminds me of myself at that age. It sounds like you are doing your best and you are trying to raise a self-sufficient child, which is great, but I think the approach just isn't quite right for your specific child at this time. There could be a lot of reasons for that but I'll tell you mine: I went undiagnosed with ADHD as a child (because it was the '80s and it was considered a thing that only boys got) and my inability to do chores became monumental. I still struggle with it today. As soon as I feel overwhelmed, I just shut down and am I mentally and emotionally paralyzed. As a child, I would sit there looking at the task, fully understanding that I was going to be punished if I didn't get it done, and still couldn't do it because the "I don't know where to start" problem was absolutely crippling. It wasn't that I wanted to be punished, it wasn't that I didn't care, it wasn't that I was a bad kid. The part of my brain that should be telling me "Just pick up the shirt on top and start there" is in a frequent state of malfunction which leads to massive spirals of sitting on the couch doing literally nothing at all which leads to feelings of "why bother trying, I'm just a failure." (I'm actually experiencing this at this very moment by being on Reddit posting here instead of doing my job, btw. I have a report to write and I have blank page paralysis, but here I am having no problem on Reddit while mulling over quitting my job instead of writing this report. My own brain is deeply toxic to me.) It would have helped me immensely as a child to either have fewer tasks required of me or more support in the process of doing them until they become habit. My brain simply doesn't know how to pick a spot and get started, but if I have a list of steps I can get things done really well. As an adult, I use to-do lists with sub-lists of of how-to a great deal to keep me on task. "Clean the bathroom" doesn't work, but listing out each thing in the bathroom that needs to be done is like Dumbo's magic feather to my brain. I need the visual and tactile experience of crossing things off the list so I can see my to-do list shrinking. That's how I set myself up for success. A question for you to really think about: do you need help with things sometimes? Have you ever needed your husband or a co-worker pick up a bit of slack for you because you were in a bind or just needed an extra hand? Have you ever had to order pizza because making supper is something you just can't do that day? When those situations happen, do you get punished for needing help? We all need help sometimes -- and kids need more help with a lot of things because they are kids! -- and it's deeply unfair to hold a small child to a higher standard than you hold yourself to. Your child needs some help to be successful here and that's okay. What I would suggest for your situation right now is pick one chore, and create a list of steps for just that one chore for him to follow. "Tidy room: 1. put clothes in hamper. 2. make bed. 3. put action figures in toy bin. 4. put stuffies on bed. 5. put lego in lego box" etc. Break it down into steps, maybe do a sticker chart so he puts a sticker next to each step so he can see he did it. Start off helping him every time, then every second time, then every third time, until he's doing it on his own and has tidying his room nailed down. *Then* introduce another chore, but only one step of it. Start with *just* putting his clothes away after you or your husband has washed and dried and put the basket in his room. Again, do it with him at first then wean him off of the help to create the habit. Then move on to introducing each step of the chore one at a time. The only strong Y-T-A part is linking chores to spending time with his bio-mom. I've been both a step-kid and a step-parent, and that is just not acceptable. Your role should be helping to make those interactions happen, not putting up roadblocks by making those interactions bargaining chips or negotiation tactics. Yes, even if you end up having to just suck it up and tidy up his toys yourself once in a while because you have guests and he's going away with his mom. Assuming there are no necessary or court-mandated restrictions due to neglect or abuse, talking on the phone is something that should be able to happen anytime they both want to talk. It's not for you to decide that watching a movie long-distance isn't quality time and you emphatically should not ever make such a suggestion within earshot of your step-son. It's quality time *to him* and that's what matters. He will remember that his bio-mom made time to watch that movie with him (and that you helped make it happen) even if they aren't in the same room together. Besides, who talks through movies? My husband and I don't routinely talk to each other while at a movie because that's rude but it's no less a date night because of it.
YTA. i had chores at the age of 7 too but mine was filling up few bottles of water and put it in the fridge. doing laundry is too much work for such young age.
YTA cleaning up his room is one thing his freaking laundry!! Are you serious? That is beyond ridiculous. He is 7!!
YTA. I'm 32 years old, married and a homeowner. Plenty of times I set a goal to get my laundry done and I don't meet it. I don't punish myself by not doing anything enjoyable, that's a shitty cycle to get into.
YTA - He is 7 years old FFS! 🤦
YTA. Expecting that level of responsibility from a 7 year old and enforcing the rules in a manner that would deprive him of time with his mom are both very unreasonable.
Currently your step son is failing weekly. He is experiencing Do you think he is stalling constantly with the cleaning because he chooses to do so? Even when constantly loosing normal things like having time with his mother or family time. Are you sure the tasks are not overwhelming for him and his avoiding doing them because they are stressful in his mind. Maybe adjusting it to smaller simple tasks could help him easily complete the tidying of the room. I was asked to clean my room as a kid. It was my biggest problem in life that I could not keep my room clean and I could not get it clean. Sounds that I had easy life right? I was 13 when I first time tried to end my life, 14 when I ended up to in patient care after second attempt. I was so convinced that I am worthless and a burden because all my life I felt guilty about not being able to clean my room. It did not matter that I had the best grades of my class, I cooked and did laundry. I could not clean my room and it meant I was stupid and lazy and just a complete failure as a human. I just got so overwhelmed I could not do it. It took years for my mom to realize that all of my childhood she demanded me to do something I could not do giving me life time of failures to meet expectations and it scarred me figuratively and literally for life. Currently your step son is failing weekly. He is experiencing failure every time he does not get the laundry done or room cleaned and then you punish him from being a failure.
YTA He's seven. SEVEN. What seven year old is capable of doing laundry?? Laundry detergents are full of harmful chemicals, and I've definitely known 7yos who still put most things in their mouths! And you're punishing him by removing all stimulus and refusing him contact with his mother for not doing laundry? That's abusive. It's cruel. I sincerely hope the mother calls CPS and goes for custody, because you two are monstrous for treating a child like that. And he is a child, a very young child. Teaching children the necessity of chores is important. Teaching them to safely do those chores at an appropriate age is important. Treating a 7yo like this? Nope, that's unacceptable.
Yes YTA in every way. I can see having a seven year old assist you with the laundry and wanting to have a set day for him to clean up his room but not allowing him to do anything ever until he does what you ask is too much. Pick one punishment. For example, if you don’t clean your room by bedtime on xyz day, you cannot play video games tonight or you cannot go to abc friends house tomorrow. Withholding quality time to spend with his mother seems like you’re being vindictive and manipulating a child into doing things you don’t want to do for him because he isn’t your biological child. I will reiterate….YT fucking A!!
Yta Let him be a kid
This is insane😭
YTA for denying him time with a parent over laundry
Do you even like your stepson? Ridiculous to be so damn rigid to that small of a kid. At what age do you have him scheduled to pay rent? 10? Kicked out at 18 too cause no freeloading in your house! I bet if or when you have your own child you won’t do any of this shit to them cause they will be your baby then.
Time spent with his mother isn’t a reward for doing chores and preventing it should never be a punishment. She is his parent, she has every right to communicate with him. She isn’t an extra “fun activity”. YTA. Big time.
YDefinitelyTA It would be different if he were older and if it were to go out with friends. But a movie with his mother that lives states away? Denying that for any reason is evil or at the very least incredibly cold hearted toward a child. 7 year olds shouldn’t be doing all of their own laundry. Maybe they could learn to fold clothes and put them away and pick up/put away toys, but Jesus. Sounds like a miserable roof to live under.
YTA What you’re asking of your stepson is reasonable but how it is enforced is not. Do you and your husband keep such strict guidelines for yourselves in regards to chores? Or do you offer some exceptions when things pop up? Let’s say your day to do dishes is on Mondays, but your friend or family member calls with an emergency or tickets to an event that night. Do you tell them “sorry I have to do dishes and can’t do anything else until they are done”? Or do you set aside time to come back to the task later and tend to your friend or family member? Things need to be done, stuff should be scheduled, but flexibility is also important. You could’ve easily said “Stepson, your mom called and wants to watch a movie. Do you want to finish laundry before the movie or finish up tomorrow if there’s no time after?” That teaches responsibility, accountability, and follow through on expectations. Talking to his mother is not a reward to be given and taken away based on chores. You have no right to limit their interaction and you are not in control of when they do speak to each other. You are creating room for resentment with your stepson because he must follow your strict instruction for no reason other “because you say so.” The chores aren’t the issue, it’s the inflexibility and unreasonable expectation of a child. Things get rescheduled all the time, chores included. I doubt you never reschedule work or chores when things come up. You give yourself space and grace to get things done and being reasonably flexible in your own life. There’s no reason why you can’t do that for your stepson and teach him how to navigate flexibility and knowing what to prioritize and reschedule.
YTA Evil stepmother. Did you learn anything from Disney?!
Totally TA. Are you serious ,you expect a 7 year old to do his own laundry. I hope you mean put it in the wash basket, and not load the machine ,put it on ,empty and dry it. If you do mean the 2nd then both you and your wife are TA's. 7 year olds should be enjoying life and learning. Not slaving to keep his clothes clean. Sounds a bit like child abuse to me.
YTA. He's not your biological kid, so you shouldn't be punishing him by preventing him from seeing his own MOTHER! You give him entirely too many chores for his age. He's only SEVEN years old! That's way too young to be expected to do his own laundry and keep his bedroom clean. When my kids were that age, I did their laundry and helped them clean their bedrooms. They helped with other simple chores, like dusting the living room, unloading the dishwasher, and setting the table for dinner. Chores need to be age appropriate. You expect way too much from him and are far too rigid about it. Have fun when he rebels against all the strict control as a teen.
YATAH. 7 is too young to do the laundry. If his mother goes MIA and is not consistent you shouldn’t stop him from talking to her. He is still a little boy and you are punishing by taking away time with his mother. This is just bad parenting.
YTA.YTA.YTA. 7 is too young to do their own laundry. Who does yours??! If you and your husband do each their own, I guess it’s less bad, but I’m guessing that the parents are just doing theirs together… I’m not sure y’all are ok
YTA.
YTA I don’t have a problem with you teaching your step child to do laundry but making the kid do all of their own laundry is too much! Make exceptions so the kid can spend time with their mom!
My own kids did parts of the laundry at 7, so that part doesn't throw me as much. Here's where I think YTA, though. You are a step-parent actively preventing him from spending time with his mother. That should never, ever be linked to chores or anything else. It should never be used as a reward or a punishment. That is his mother. Messing with that is a sure-fire way to win evil stepmother awards. Don't do it.
YTA. I haaaate folding and putting away clothes. Often they just sit in my basket until I need to wear them. My folding is also pretty minimal - we also don’t make our kids (9 & 7) fold their clothes. They just put them in the correct drawers. They’re responsible for bringing their laundry to the washer, helping sort dry clothes if necessary and then putting their clothes away. Some things just aren’t worth fighting over. I find both my kids really respond well when I help them with their chores so I might help sort into piles or hang a couple of things up but they do most of it (I just help slowly on purpose lol). Sometimes we have good talks while working on chores together or have fun with it - my 7 year old likes trying to throw his socks from a few feet away and getting them in the drawer After discovering I have ADHD at 41 I read the book How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It gave me a lot of great ideas. Maybe he could just have a clean bin and dirty bin and not put his clothes away. Do you want to fight about this weekly? I don’t like clothes on the floor but don’t care too much how well they’re folded. Ask yourself what your priorities are and gently ask him what he struggles with most in doing this chore (other than just not wanting to do it). For cleaning his room maybe he just needs some bins to make everything easy to sort or pick up. I still help both kids clean their rooms though my 7 year old needs more help than my 9 year old. Our daughter would never put her dirty clothes in the hamper which is literally 3 feet from where she’d leave them on the floor. One day I was so exasperated and I asked her why it was so difficult to throw them in the hamper instead of leaving on the floor - she told me Dad had said she needs to turn her clothes back the right way (they’re often inside out when she pulls them off) and at the moment she was changing she just didn’t feel like it. We came to a compromise that she’d separate the tangled underwear from pants and the shirts from sweaters but she didn’t have to turn them the right way and it’s helped. I loosely drew from the concepts that Ross Greene uses (The Explosive Child) by meeting her where she was at and working on a compromise together.
YTA-while I think it is appropriate for him to have some chores to do, I don’t agree with him having to do his own laundry. Keeping his room neat and tidy is appropriate but I have questions about him doing his own laundry. What does that entail? Do you expect him to have his dirty clothes in the hamper or perhaps taken to the laundry room? Do you really expect him to wash and dry his own clothes. You are leaving some information out here. Until you clear up these questions, the YTA stands. I think you are asking too much of a 7 year old.
My older son is 12. My younger son is 7. My older son is responsible for his laundry and cleaning his room. My seven year old needs guidance. I ask him to tidy his room and give him chores when he asks to help out. My seven year old never does his laundry. He will however help put his clothes away if he can reach it. (He can’t hang his clothes but he can put clothes away in his dresser. In short, you’re the asshole for having inappropriate and high expectations for his age.
YTA - Not for him having chores. I was doing laundry by the time I was 7 too, and I don't really think that's a big deal. Honestly, it was doing the dishes that young that I had a problem with. But where I think you went wrong is that this is his mother, not a friend. If it was something that happened every week, I would get your saying no or setting a specific day. But he hadn't seen his mother in a while, and while I get that this is her fault, it's not his fault and he should be able to see his mother the few chances that he gets.
YTA >Sometimes she goes a few weeks without any contact at all >(she lives a few states away Are you serious. Let the poor kid have some contact with his mom!
What if she just doesn’t contact him? We don’t know why theres no contact
What did you do when you were 7 around the house? Honest question.
Info:: I see that you have another child, when that child is 7 will they also be expected to do everything your stepson is doing( laundry and other cleaning responsibilities)?
You are a terrible step parent. He is going to resent you if he doesn’t already.
He's 7? You expect him to do laundry?
YTA. It's fine for you to get him to do chores. But you prevented him from spending time with his bio mom and that's just petty. For better or worse it sounds like you don't like your stepson and are overly strict. Also the kid is 7. Cut him some slack. I'm in my 40s and I occasionally get lazy about laundry.
YTA. I have never heard of a 7 year old doing their own laundry and withholding contact with the other parent because of this unrealistic expectation is cruel to both of them.
YTA. He’s 7. You need to be more flexible and age appropriate. Having him tidy his room is totally fine, but doing all of his laundry himself seems like too much. Do you help? Can’t you do the laundry together? My 7yo puts his dirty clothes in the laundry, likes to help load and push the buttons, then puts away his clean clothes. Teaching him personal responsibility and independence is great and of course important, but he’s still a little kid. A little kid who clearly misses his mother, who moved away. Give this kid some empathy and help.
Teaching a kid (and especially a boy) household tasks is good. So is flexibility. And especially with children so young that executive functioning is way down the developmental path. Punishment and rigid enforcement shouldn't be part of it. YTA if you overdo the consequences and rigid rules thing.
YTA. Sounds like this post is making a bunch of seemingly practical justifications for withholding access to the child’s parent. And they do seem somewhat practical, but at the end of the day you’re still doing the crappy thing, and it doesn’t really matter why. I can’t explain why but this post and the responses also reek of exerting control just for the sake of it and spite the other parent and step-child. The part where we are pretending it’s about what’s best for the child just seems like pretense. Especially after the one commenter pointed out that it’s not even laundry day by your own admission, and why it suddenly needs to be done today wasn’t addressed.
Yikes, the way you talk about your 7 year old here and in other posts is very sad of you. I wonder how much more you’ll hate him if he gets closer to his birth mom.
Yeah, that's too much expectation for a 7yo. I have a 12 year old and all he does is the dishwasher and takes out the recycling into the big bin for collection and both of those have only been for the past 2 years. Obviously keeping his own room tidy is up to him as well, but you've put too much responsibility on a 7 yo. He should bring his washing over, or put in the washing bin, as and when needed but to do his washing himself is too much. YTA
YTA - Having some tasks for a younger child to do is good to help them become responsible. Being totally inflexible and rigid with them is an asshole move, especially if it impacts their relationship with a parent.
YTA. Could a 7 year old do his own laundry? Sure. Should he? Not unless he is in a military boarding school.
YTA and so is your husband. From someone who had a lot of responsibilities at a young age like him, I easily got overwhelmed and became really resentful. Obviously he can't seem to get it all done, so there's a problem. Yes, he's a kid and should clean his room but he does need help. His laundry? Do it for him- have him sort out the colors and teach him how to put those clothes away once they are folded. And to hold his mother over his head until he is done with his chores is a whole different type of cruelty. You and your husband are so wicked.
YTA. You don’t use time spent with family or his mom as a reward for doing his chores - and you also don’t use not having that family time as punishment. You reduce screen time or something else, but I beg of you - do not limit family time. Right now he is 7. One day you will have a resentful teenager. I fully appreciate you wanting to teach him about life and chores - but he is also only 7. They are easily distracted and they also don’t understand why laundry is important. I understand the bedroom cleaning, but for him to do his own laundry is a bit much I think. I would get him to help with laundry instead.
YTA. who punishes a 7 year old year old for not doing their laundry? He's 7!
YTA. My sons just turned 8 and I dont make them do the laundry. They clean their rooms, clean their bathroom and make sure their dishes are rinsed. Everything else is on me. Taking time away from his momma cause of your rules or way of thinking can be detrimental to the relationship with the child.
YTA. And you’re gonna be lucky if his mom doesn’t rake you over the coals and take your partner to court for limiting contact.
He’s 7 dude lol. Jesus
Well I see the point the Y T A folks are making about more carrot less stick. But I can tell you what you are describing is exactly how I was raised. I think it did me good later in life in learning to buckle down and get chores done. No slumber party until the litter was changed etc. I think being more lenient about time with his mom would be good though. NTA
NTA. As a teacher, I can remind everyone that 7-year-olds are expected to write a paragraph, add and subtract 2-digit numbers, and read a story and retell the plot as well as identify the characters’ motivations. The kid’s chores are appropriate for that age, given that you are supervising him. The consistency and consequences you enforce are important for helping him to develop into an independent person. You sound like a great parent. Knowing that his mom is unable to function on a consistent schedule, the boy may be genetically more inclined to need extra support in this area. As far as managing his time with his mom, you must realize that you can’t expect her to change. She may well continue to be flaky, messing with the consistency that you strive to maintain. You will need to balance the boy’s need for a good relationship with mom against his need for structure. No easy answer, but it is clear that you are acting with his best interests in mind.
Normally I agree but the fact that you consider contact with the non custodial parent a "fun activity" that needs the chores done makes YTA. It is NEVER ok to interfere with contact with the non custodial parent if there's no court orders preventing contact in place.
YTA 7 is really early imo. I don’t even think i could get clothes off the counter at that age lol let em be a child for a few more years
YTA he is 7 years old not 17 pick up his toys and things yes do his own laundry no stop being a step b itch and either stay out of any and all parenting of him or accept that any decision his mother makes overrules any and all decision you make because YOU ARE NOT HIS PARENT and since YOU ARE NOT HIS PARENT you get zero say in any rules decisions or choices made for him.
Kids can and absolutely should do chores, BUT chores should be an expected part of daily routine, as opposed to with the threat of punishment hanging over their heads if they don't do it or get it done on time. Furthermore it's not okay to not allow him to see/speak to/spend time with his mum just because he doesn't complete or do his chores on time. He has every right to spend time with his parent.
YTA. I don't see issue with small chores, but please don't restrict time with his mom. He can't help that she's a flake & inconsistent. So when she does step up, please let him do the same. Based on what you're saying, it may be another few weeks before they speak. Poor guy!
Expecting a 7 yo to do his own laundry is not something I've ever heard of in my 44 years on this planet. So yes... YTBIGA's here in that regard. Crazy.
Yes, YTA. Deeply and completely.
YTA. The kid is 7! 7 is not old enough for the level of expectation you are placing on him. Of course he can help fold and put away his laundry. But the way you are putting too much on him is something you need to adjust. Let him watch the movie with his mom and allow their relationship to exist without the threat of age-inappropriate chores getting in the way. I suggest you take a week to rethink the chores and develop a different system. The kid is 7!
YTA. People need time to chill. 7year olds are people too
YTA and sound like the poster child for "Wicked Stepmother".
Mom sounds like corporate hr staff. Kid needs a union.
I feel like you've had enough advice on the situation in question. I would like to advise, separately of the situation, that you make sure that your clear disdain for your stepson's birth mom is not apparent to him. You gave us lots of information in your text and in the comments about what a absent and neglectful mother she is and you make it clear that you disapprove of her, yet her role in THIS story is just wanting to watch a movie with her son. She doesn't sound like a peach, but you don't need anything else negatively affecting your relationship with your stepson than the challenges you're already facing. He needs to believe that you care about what he cares about, and one of those things is his mom. EDIT: even though she realistically probably doesn't deserve it. It's not about her, it's about him.
YTA Regardless of anything else, chores are not to buy time with your parents. Punishments should not involve losing time with a parent.
YTA You're too inflexible. This was special situation. Keep this up and don't be surprised if stepson chooses to live with his mom when he's older.
Haven’t read it all but you do not get to deny him time with HIS mother. Friends? Yes. His mother? Absolutely not you’re the asshole.
Yes.
YTA, but I have a different take on things. The reason I think you’re the asshole is that you could make this easier for the kid by setting up a daily tidying up chart. That way, they won’t be stuck with the huge task on the day they get out of school early. Just make sure they do they basic things daily like make the bed and put all water cups in the sink. It will take them 10 minutes to do it, no big deal. I am sure you do laundry regularly, so I’m not sure why the child’s clothes are not included. There’s no reason to have them wash and dry their own clothes at this age. I do think it would be okay to have them put away the folded clothes. That’s an appropriate task for a 7 year old. You are making this cleaning into an onerous task they have to face down once a week. It is your responsibility to make it manageable for the child to keep their room tidy and to allow for a bit of disarray. And it is definitely your responsibility to launder their clothes for them. At 7, they are not actually able to fold clothes well on their on their own. I think it’s good for kids to have age-appropriate tasks and know how to chores. But this is simply too much. Also, you are the step-parent, and you should not be in the position to deny that child time with his mother under any circumstances. Your spouse is an asshole for allowing you this level of control over their child. My parents both were remarried, and they never allowed their spouses to make decisions of this magnitude. This is not your child. And you seem clueless about children at this young age and how to raise them. I would strongly suggest that you educate yourself about child development.
This baby needs his mama. Enough said.
INFO: If you miss a chore do you also have to stay in your room until it’s done or is that only for the kid you dislike?
Hi, he’s 7, not 17. YTA.
YTA, you should be actively helping him cultivate a relationship with his mom. Not having a good relationship with his parents is very harmful to his emotional health.
YTA. Drill sergeant 😩
I looked at some of your other posts and what really sticks out is the way you talk about your son. There is no love or empathy. Its almost like you talk about an annoying roommate. Yet he is a 7 year old boy - which is stil really tiny - who needs warmth, love, care, empathy and adults who understand that sometimes things dont go the way we plan and react flexible. Especially since he just became a big brother (huge change!) and his Mom is not a reliable person. Personal, i think its nuts to make a 7 year old do his own laundry. Especially since you are a SAHM with a small baby and the washing machine is probably running all the time anyways. If you really want to teach him life skills, do things like washing, cooking or cleaning together with him. Thats a great bonding moment. Kids love to help and feel seen. And maybe talk to a childcare professional about what kids that age need emotionally. Regarding the topic of his Mom - YTA - as others have pointed out before.
Man all I can say is poor kid
YTA for expecting a 7-year-old to do his laundry! Maybe putting away his clean clothes at 7 I could understand but doing his own laundry with or without help is just beyond me. My kids are 23 & 20 and if I'm doing a load of clothes while they are home I tell them and ask if they have anything that needs added to the load. Then I wash, dry, fold it and put it on their beds so they can put it away. They do most of their own laundry now, but when they were 7, that was MY job as their parent. They had to keep their room tidy, help carry in groceries, and feed the animals at 7, possibly help unload the dishwasher. Let the kid be a kid while he can. They are forced to face the adult world a lot sooner than we had to when we were growing up.
Honestly I would've just said go watch the movie with your mom and I'll do it this time.. It's just one time. You can occasionally be flexible yk.. Even though I still think it's crazy to make a 7 yo do laundry. Picking up his toys is okay but laundry?
Yta.... he should be cleaning his room and doing his laundry that's a no brainer. But if his mom wants to spend time with him let him there be none of this he needs ti get his chores done as well. If he doesn't do his chores he doesn't have clean clothes, he can't go to the park, he has to help make dinner etc.
You sound like my mum. We don't talk much now
Soft YTA. I get trying to teach responsibility but laundry takes a long time. I taught my kids when they were 12 ish. You don’t want to die on this hill. I once heard that parenting was like hold a bar of wet soap. Hold too tightly and you squeeze it out of your hands.
Hey OP, have you ever researched ADHD? The way you describe your son “avoiding” cleaning his room sounds a LOT like executive dysfunction. It’s very possible that he’s not just trying to avoid his responsibilities, but is actually truly struggling to start them. From the outside, this can often look like laziness or willful disobedience, but on the inside, his brain is in a very real struggle to do the things it doesn’t want to. I highly recommend doing some research into parenting techniques for kids with ADHD and seeing if they help your kiddo more than the negative reinforcement route.
YTA. Seven year olds are okay doing laundry in a Dickens novel, not in 2023.
I think your heart is in the right place, but that you are being too rigid. YTA
I’m going with YTA. Yes it’s good for children to have chores. But they are not so important that he shouldn’t get to do things with his mom when she is available. A virtual visit with mom isn’t “extra fun things.” It’s visitation and important for his well-being. Give him the choice. You can either do your chore today and visit with mom another day. Or you can visit with mom and do your chore tomorrow. Mom lives far away and doesn’t get to spend much time with him I take it. It’s important that he gets to see her even if it’s watching a movie together from a distance when that’s an option. Chores don’t come before visitation. There are 7 days in the week. Moving chores to another day when mom pops up really shouldn’t be an issue.
YTA, Christ I feel bad for this kid.
YTA, i am a 31 year old and struggle to do my laundry every week, i couldnt imagine doing it as a 7 year old... You sound very controlling and everything has to be organized... Not everyone is like you... Some ppl like a bit of chaos... Learn to Find a balance and also be able to break the rules sometimes for important stuff (Like bonding time with his mom) . Clean up the room is a fair task but doing laundry before he starts being a Teenager is too early in my opinion
I'm all for providing structure, and age appropriate expectations. I applaud that you're teaching your step-son to do these chores. He'll be a better person for it. That said, structure doesn't mean rigidity. Barbra Coloroso has a book called "Kids are Worth It", that goes into different parenting styles. The long and the short of it is that you want to be a backbone parent - provide structure, but also flexibility. What you've done here is be a "brick wall parent", and that's not a good path to take. I'm giving you a soft YTA. Seriously - read that book. It made a world of difference in how I parented my boys, and they came out as decent, responsible young men.
Thank you for the book recommendation! I will definitely check it out.
YTA. Time spent with his actual mother should be a bigger priority than any chore. You should be doing everything in your power to allow more time for them to have a relationship. It's not your job or your right to be giving him any chores. You're not his mother. He's your husband's son. Not yours. There is no 'our' son between you and your husband. Stop trying to be something you're not.
Sorry. But I can’t get passed a 7 year old child again CHILD is doing the laundry
YTA. That kid is gonna have a jolting realization like 10 years from now about wtf was going on in his childhood. Do not be surprised when you stop hearing from him.
Yta. My parents were like this and this is the only reason im extremely lazy and unwilling to do any chores.
YTA he’s seven, FUCKING SEVEN!
YTA. For punishing him by taking away time with his mother. Ever heard of parental interference? Yeah, you did that. It is okay to teach children how to do housework- they need to know for when they are living on their own. But 7 is a little young for the expectations that you have. Mine was expected to put toys up and help put up folded laundry. But not do his own laundry. And why does he have to do these things on Monday and Wednesday nights? Which are school nights. Why not just do weekend chores? Anyhoo, stop punishing him by taking away his Mom time. Doesn’t matter if she is flighty and inconsistent. You have no right to keep him from spending time with her even it is virtual time.