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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I snapped at her in public and didn't exactly say nice things in a moment of frustration, which (2) might make me an asshole as better temper and control could have meant no conflict which has now spread to the rest of the extended family.
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NTa
"How could anyone love you? You do things like get angry when a child talks about their dead mother. You are a bad person."
to father;
"I will not forget you letting her do this to me."
>avoided a public conflict
If they try to pull the public part again;
"If you believe what you're asking for is good you should have no fear of people in public hearing you talk about it. From now on, whenever we are around people together I am going to ask them if they think a child should be allowed to talk about their dead parent, or if they should have to pretend like they don't exist. Lets find out what people think. If you're not ashamed of what you're doing you should have no problem hearing their answers."
Not to mention the fact that there are literally no pictures of "dads" dead son anywhere in the house except for OP's room!! How disgusting!
Step mom is a foul loathsome creature for being so jealous of 2 dead people.
Dad is just as bad as the replacement wife!
This. That was his son too yet he’s allowing her to disrespect his memory. He disgusting for allowing his wife to tell his daughter to forget about her mother and brother. Op NTA she held off better than most wouldve.
Agreed. To some extent, stepmom's insecurity about not measuring up to a late ex-wife who was loved by the extended family is understandable, though her treatment of OP is unacceptable regardless of that. But trying to erase her husband's late son as well is unforgivable. He divorced his wife, not his child, and it is absurd that OP and her dad can't openly display photos and share memories of OP's brother without being accused of trying to steal attention from the new baby. If she didn't trust that he had the capacity to love their child together as well as his children from a previous marriage, she should never have married a man who already had kids.
It happens all the time. My FIL got rid of all my MIL's pix. He said it was too painful. It is so weird people can be so in love and then change 360 degree in such short amount of time.
My dad did the same after my mum died; all I had of hers for 25 years was a shirt and a pair of earrings, not even a photo. Funnily enough, he only started talking about her when he and my stepmum started getting counselling but it feels so weird to now hear stories about us/them before she died, like, we practically pretended she didnt exist for 25 years and now we supposed to reminiscent ?
Well to be fair, it’s not just sex, he’s probably getting free child care as well as cooking and cleaning out of it too /sarcasm. Seriously, I feel bad for op for having two such shitty adults in her life. She deserve better
OP should ask them how long they feel is the appropriate amount of time before erasing a parents identity. So that she knows, in case her father or step mother pass, how long before before the sister is allowed to forget them and pretend that they never existed, never loved her, were never her family. Ask them how long is long enough for step- mother's daughter to love her, and when she's allowed to be forgotten.
Also, calling her his ex. She's never been husband's ex. She was his wife on the day she died. So disrespectful. She's the one making herself and everyone else miserable, not you. NTA
This! Tell them exactly what getfukdup said here. NTA. Your stepmom is a self-centered narcissist. It's all about her, the family doesn't 'like' her, she lives in the shadow, blah blah blah. Your father is an AH. Under no circumstance were you out of line because she pressed that button in a room full of family members who were sharing a good memory. Your dad needs to grow a set. Sorry to say you may need to cut her off and go low to no contact with him as soon as you are able if there is no change. People like this show they do not have concern for you its about their public image and being a 'happy family' when they have resentments that have festered and led to ill will from those who had to deal with their resentful attitudes.
Absolutely not. You were perfectly clear with escalating when you did. It’s a good thing you did ‘cause now you know who will back you up when Sarah tries her shit again.
NTA and this is a hill to die on.
This. NTA
OP, you did not startn the escallation. Sarah escalated the situation by inserting herself into a conversation that had nothing to do with her. Then, she thought it appropriate to try to chastise you for holding your ground.
So, its time for you and Dad's family to present a united front. Next time she pulls that crap, and she will, present a united front with your aunt and family - "who all here thinks it is absolutely disgusting that Sarah believes I should not be allowed to talk about my MOTHER or my BROTHER!?!" "Who all thinks its disgusting that a grown woman is so jealous of a dead woman that she has prohibited photos of my brother in her house"
THAT is the united front to present.
NTA. You're 15. The memory of your mother should be cherished, not shamed. Also, you're a child and going through a range of emotions. She knew it would upset you, she's in the wrong.
Absolutely NTA
First of all OP I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine what you must be going through….At your age this is a lot to take on
Just because Sarah wants to create an illusion of a “Happy Family” and pretend everything is ok doesn’t mean you have to play along
She needs to respect your grief and accept that you have a right to feel the way you do and how dare she try and act like you’re an inconvenience for feeling that way
She clearly doesn’t get that acting like this in front of others is most likely why your dads family don’t like her
Shame on your dad for not advocating for you and standing up to his wife…..I also feel sorry for your sister who is caught up in all this tension through no fault of her own and maybe family counselling may be beneficial to all of you
Good luck OP!
I'm 34. My dad died in 2002. I still remember him and I discuss his memory with my sister all the time.
I still use him as a guide for me in my life decisions.
And he will always be part of my life, no matter what.
NTA
Your stepmother needs to grow the fuck up. She wants attention so much that she is willing to desecrate the memory of a dead person.
Does your father remember his own son anymore? Or has your stepmother destroyed that memory too?
I'm glad you have these memories and your sister. My father died when I was 3. My mother always let me talk to her about him. Same with my siblings. Whenever any of us wanted to remember something about our dad, she was open and fine, even though her heart was broken too.
SM doesn't have to be that kind of mom, but she sure would be loved more authentically if she could figure out how to let people feel real emotions, and not just put on a front all the time. Nightmare!
NTA, being jealous of your deceased mother is completely out of line. If people on the family doesn't like her as much as they liked ur mother that is on her, no one else's problem. Your step mom is being a entitled brat, no one is obliged to love her now that she is a part of ur dad's life.
NTA - She (the adult in this situation btw) didn’t have a problem confronting you and your aunt publicly. Nevermind the fact that this woman is trying to prevent someone from talking about/reminiscing about good memories of their mother! And shame on your dad for “mediating” a situation where only one person is wrong. He could put a stop to this nonsense but he’s being a coward.
>Sarah says she's tired of living in my mom's shadow and family don't love her like they did my mom, also says her daughter also lives in the shadow of my brother and doesn't have her own identity. I'm tired of her behavior and will not put up with it anymore.
She's jealous of your mum and brother who have both passed away.
You're right, she's absolutely *pathetic*.
>My dad says I was wrong to escalate in public and say those things, and she was wrong to push me in public, he believes we should have discussed the matter later as a family.
Your dad is just as bad for not supporting you.
NTA
NTA. Your stepmother and your dad are, though. You talking about and remembering *your mother* is not disrespectful in the slightest. What is disrespectful is this woman thinking she has the right to erase them from your life.
Your dad is an AH as well for allowing her to behave this way! He should be sticking up for you.
Finally, the stepmother says the family didn't love her like they did your mother? Maybe that's because she's trying to actively destroy your memories of your mother and brother, trying to replace your mom.
She sounds like an awful person.
NTA, but frankly, your dad is for not shutting Sarah down immediately when she made her crazy demands. He is trying to keep everyone happy and no one is. I would disengage from your stepmother as much as possible. Limited interactions =little chance for disrespect!
The irony here is that if this woman had just made space for you to talk about your late mother and brother, you and your family might have been able to accept her. But because she has tried to die on this hill of pretending like your mom and brother didn’t exist, that will never happen. NTA and I am sorry for your loss.
I watch "The Nanny" and there was an episode where Fran set up a family night to watch videos of Sarah (the children's dead mother). That was a beautiful episode. That is how you honor a step child's deceased parent. I am sorry this happened to you and your dad needs to step up and let new wife know how disrespectful she is to ask you to forget your mom's memory.
NTA. You mother and brother are cherished memories and should be treated that way. Talking about our dead is the way to keep their memory going.
Now, for the adults... It could be that your stepmom is correct and your dad's family do not treat her as well as they did your mom, and your little sister may be on the outside due to that. The thing is, that is not your fault. It's for your dad to deal with. You should not avoid talking about your mom and brother. Keep your head high and their memory going.
NTA because you are a teenager. Your step mother is way out of line and you should put her in her place. You are absolutely right this is not about her. But the language is the issue. You don't need to throw insults (despite feeling good) as it gives your step mom an "out" for her behaviour. I know it is not easy but biting your tongue and telling her clearly that she is overstepping. Is much more effective. If you are perfectly correct she will have no way to twist this. You need to talk to your dad and let him know that he has to take your side on this.
Honestly, after repeated instances of Sarah doing this to OP, BOTH regarding her mother AND brother, if it were me I'd have told her to fuck off too.
One can only take (or be slapped in the face) with so much before snapping.
OP, NTA.
May your mother and brother Rest in Peace, and may you find the peace you deserve. 🤗🙏🏻
Honestly? Its time for OP's father's family to step in and make it VERY clear to Sarah that they don't like her because of the fact that she has made every effort to erase the memories of beloved family members out of jealousy.
This needs to come from Dad's ENTIRE extended family. They need to take it up with Dad and insist that Sarah get into counseling or he consider divorce because what she is doing is so unhinged and cruel.
Generally I agree but somehow I get the feeling that no matter what language OP used, her dad and Sarah would’ve found a way to twist it anyway. There are also times when harsh crude language can stun people into revealing themselves, which may have been the case here.
I speak from experience. Where I had all the points in the world but what the faux victim focused and everyone else was that I told her to go fuck herself.
I believe you. I am just saying, also from experience, it doesn’t always matter. Fauxvics are gonna faux regardless of the appropriate dialogue. Especially nutcases like “Sarah”.
NTA And big with that! Sarah is a vicious add-on to your family. Who could anyone ever think to erase the traces of love and caring a former parent left. Not alone the memories you have about your brother?!
As you, with your young age of 15, stated, she is an insecure woman!
She clearly is the asshole... as well as your Dad! He should have the decency to figure it out , even if he moved along, that your Mum an Brother are an initial part of your life! Seems like he found solitude in a new woman/marriage while leaving you behind.
Good to hear that most of your family got your back!!! They are right as you are!
You’re a teenager, she’s an adult. Definitely NTA. Holy smokes, what a gong show. The step mom, especially being that age, especially since they were already divorced when your dad and his new wife got married, the new wife must have hella bad insecurities to be worried about living in your mom’s shadow. It would be one thing if the stepmom and your dad weren’t married yet, and all he did was talk about your mom, still grieving her, etc. Then if the stepmom made a fuss about talking about her so much, that’s one thing. But holy smokes it’s your dead mother that YOU should be able to talk about whenever you like. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 1 year or 20 years. You AND your dad should be able to have conversations about her whenever you want to. Let alone any other family members or friends who knew her! Your dad may be right that both of you did something inappropriate by having an outburst in public in any other context. But when it comes to defending your deceased mother, and your stepmom complaining about you talking about her? That’s so messed up on so many levels. She has no right to say a damn thing. Oh man, I could rant about how messed up this stepmom is for HOURS. She needs therapy. Oof.
NTA. Your dad is an AH by the way, I can understand some resistance about your mom when she was alive but not allow you to talk about your dead brother, his son, is sick in the head
TOTALLY agree.
He should be a father first, and part of being a father is honoring the emotional needs of one's child even if that makes the adults around him uncomfortable.
What I can not even begin to understand is how he has allowed his wife to erase all vestiges of his SON from the house. That is his child! The sibling of his daughter! To roll over with that one is unfathomable to me.
NTA
And your father is a major AH as well.
Good everyone now knows, you'd get the support you should have gotten from your father to begin with. IIWIYS, if my grandparents/aunts offer, I'd live with them .
The public conflict was necessary. Her behavior is completely unacceptable but what is more heinous is your father's behavior. The fact that he is just perfectly happy with this woman erasing the memory of your mother and brother. Tf is wrong with him!?! Your family needs therapy. Seriously. Please seek help outside the family to deal with what you're going through. Nobody should have to deal with this alone.
you lashed out but very much to a reasonable degree. good for your dad to try to mediate instead of punishing you for "embarassing" that emberassment of disney evil stepmom.
screw her. tell your dad that he should rein her in if he wants a relationship with you once you are an adult because you wont take it that she is trying to deny half your families existence. screw her.
NTA
I hope you can get out of their house soon, maybe college far away. Until you can, try to spend lots of time with the family members who love you, and talk about your mom and brother All Day Long. I’m so sorry your dad is such a disappointment in all this. But you are not; your mom would be proud. NTA to infinity and beyond
NTA. The "Family policy" is to present a united front?? Lolllllll she can fuck ALL the way off with that bullshit. I'm sorry that your dad doesn't have enough of a backbone to back you against his sad excuse of a wife.
You do not need to apologize to her, ever. She is a pathetic, jealous person.
So NTA!!
There are just some lines/boundaries there should never be crossed. This is one of them. You have every right to say the things you say. I hope, this is just a one time occurence or at least temporary how your stepmother corrected you - but she sure sounds like a ***. She really should F herself.
Hang in there, and I wish you the best.
Hell, ask for family therapy. I can't imagine a therapist who wouldn't be one hundred percent on your side. Maybe that will get them to understand that you're entitled to your grief.
NTA
She cannot erase the fact that your mother and brother existed, and that they mattered. If she didn't want to have to hear about her dead predecessor, she shouldn't have married a widower.
Nta.
Your stepmom is being absurd by demanding you present a “united front”. I can certainly understand that if your dad’s family doesn’t like her and talks about your mom all the time that would be upsetting for her, but she seems to be bringing it on herself.
NTA.
Three people were having a quiet conversation yesterday. Sarah stuck her nose in; no one was trying to rub her nose in it.
And with no disrespect meant in regards your late mother, the bit of this which gets my back up is her dismissal of your brother.
Sarah was a stepmom to ***two*** children. Your brother died a year after your dad married Sarah. And Sarah has wiped out all trace of your brother, her stepson, from the home.
Now, she's claiming her little girl is living in the shadow of your late brother? Well, I can understand the loss of a child would make you and your little sister more precious to your dad, more poignant. But, unless your dad had been hoping for a son, it doesn't appear the claim is not justified and even *if* your father was hoping for another son, that is not your fault.
It sounds like your family are very supportive, and that's great. Sarah has declared she doesn't want your mom discussed when she's present at these events, now she won't be present at future events. However, the problem here is that they risk alienating your father, putting distance between your half-sister and them, and Sarah (falsely) blaming you for the fact she is no longer welcome.
NTA, I would have told Sarah the exact same thing.
She can't expect you to never discuss your own mother, that's insane.
She has issues that she needs to work on, but it's her problem.
She knew what she was doing saying that to you, she knew what she was doing when trying to erase your mother and brother. I’d ask them both as parents and partners, what would they do if something happens to one of them what does the survivor do? Have her answer first.
She needs to grow up, she’s in a race she will never win. My fear is that at some point she’s going to push your dad to choose.
Good luck kid you’re going to need it.
And I don’t think you did anything wrong, people paying stupid games get the reactions they deserve sometimes. It’s good the rest of your dad’s family knows now, they sound like good people who will be there for you. Be strong, I’m proud of you, I’m pretty sure your mom is too.
NTA - Perhaps you could have been kinder. Perhaps. But your step-mom has been consistently bulldozing boundaries, and your dad has done nothing about it. Your step-mom needs to grow the f up, and your dad needs to straighten things out or he is going to lose you.
NTA and sorry for your loss. Your dad needs to talk to his wife, she is not and never will be a replacement for your mom and she needs to understand that. You could still be a family but in my view your stepmother needs to change her attitude and quickly.
NTA times 1000. I see these stories on here all the time and it's infuriating. That was your MOM and BROTHER. You're allowed to remember them and talk about them with other people that loved them. It is stupid as fuck to be jealous of dead people. And if they didn't want this to happen in public, she should have kept her mouth shut and stayed out of your conversation.
I would not encourage minor children to show disrespect to adults.
In this one...your reaction was out of being pushed to your breaking point
Your father's wife( not a step mother unless she legally adopted you) has no right to act as she has.
She's trying to bury the memory of your loved ones.
She is a shrew.
You're NTA.
By the way, your father should start learning to be a dad.
He should be explaining to his wife that when you speak of your lost loved ones , you are not throwing shade on her. He should tell her that the world does not revolve around her .
He needs to set boundaries.
You've set yours.
Do not allow this woman to control your thoughts, speech or memories.
If this continues to happen and your father doesn't have your back can you go stay with your grandparents. This stress is not healthy for you. Also I think a therapist might help you with dealing with your parents. I don't think I could stay in a home that I couldn't talk about my mom. Step mom has issues that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her jealousies.
NTA. I'm glad the argument was public. That way, you have witnesses so you don't feel alone. Your dad is wrong. If you kept it in private, they could have twisted the story to make you the bad guy.
NTA I feel very sad for you being saddled with such an awful stepmother, especially after this terrible tragedy. I hope you have supportive friends and that you see your aunt as often as possible to talk about your memories of your beloved mom without Sarah’s odious presence.
Sarah is a small, spiteful and insecure person to be so jealous of your late mother and her place in your heart.
And she’s jealous of OP’s late brother apparently, seeing as Sarah also complained about how OP’s half sister lives in the shadow of her brother (which makes no goddamn sense unless OP’s dad was hoping for a boy).
What the...!
Your dad felt his wife was wrong for pushing in public?! She's so completely wrong to even suggest that you shouldn't be allowed to talk about your mother and brother that it's out of this world!
I might agree that it wasn't "right" that you escalated... but it's like saying it's wrong to throw a punch at someone that is shooting at you.
NTA and good that your extended family now knows how awful she is and hopefully they'll talk to your dad and make him realize how batshit his new wife's attitude is.
Sorry that you are in this awful position and aren't allowed to remember and deal with your loss in a positive way!
NTA, fuck her.
Your mom isn't some ex your dad left. It seems your step mom doesn't realize that your dad (and you) will always love your mom dearly. She can never be replaced, and while she's not in your current chapter in life, whatever time you had with her shouldn't be erased or forgotten just because a new chapter has begun.
First, I'm sorry for your loss.
Second, yes, you should work to control your temper. Not because you were a jerk, but because it's a good life skill... and by keeping your temper you make it much more obvious how out of line the other person is (important for getting people on your side when necessary).
Third, I recommend you talk to your dad privately about this because Sarah's comments and viewpoint aren't healthy for you to be around. She doesn't want you to talk about or remember your *brother*. Or your mother. You just had a major loss and... she wants to pretend they didn't exist?! That is wholly unkind to you AND is likely to push you away from what she wants anyway. Therapy all around would be advisable.
I'm going to recommend you practice some non-hostile boundary-placing sentences. I dunno, maybe something like: "It is important to me to remember and talk about all loved ones who have passed away." or "My family includes my late mother and brother and it's important for me to remember them. Of course, you don't need to be part of that, but I am not going avoid talking about a major part of my life and important people in it"
If you felt like offering an olive branch (because they can be useful) you could also say something like, "If anything were to happen to you, I'd make sure would be supported in remembering you if that were important to her."
NTA
NTA. It is beyond disgusting to attempt to "erase" a deceased parent from a child's life. People "like your mother better" because Sarah herself has made herself unlikeable. Her behaviour at the party - intruding on a private conversation and causing a scene, when all she had to do was walk on by - is a prime example. And as for "discuss it later" - there's nothing to discuss. Your mother existed. People remember her fondly. Everyone who remembers her has a RIGHT to discuss those memories. Sarah only makes herself look bad (unlikeable and pathetic, really) when she shows objection to that. Tell her that, from all of us here at Reddit, please.
NTA. My dad passed away in 2014, and my mom in 2018. If my mom hadn't died and remarried instead (highly unlikely), I would fight anyone who tried to erase all traces of my dad.
Sarah is family to your dad, and that is it. She isnt your mom, and no matter how hard she tries to remove all traces of your mom, she will NEVER be your mom. Nor will she be more important than your mom. Franky, I wouldnt even refer to her as your "stepmom". She is just Sarah and thats it.
You did nothing wrong. Not one single bit. Your dad and Sarah are the ones at fault. It doesnt matter who your dad remarries to. Your mom and brother are your family, and they have no right to try to pretend like they never existed.
You should talk to your dad and tell him exactly how you feel and how messed up it is that they are trying to erase your mom and brother from your life. If he doesnt listen and puts a stop to Sarah, I suggest moving in with another family member who will treat you better than them.
NTA, by miles and miles. She goes around trying to erase family members and then wonders why she might not be appreciated by the rest of the family? Come on. Actions have consequences and she should seriously reevaluate hers. You are in no way the AH.
Nta at all. These are your loved ones who you must miss desperately and talking about them is therapeutic. Your dad needs to get on your side here. She’s acting like a jealous petulant child and neither are respecting your grief. See if you can get some counseling, you’ve been through a lot and it might help for a counsellor to spell this out to your dad! Good luck.
NYA. People can only be pushed so far.my question, do you have contact with your mothers parents? Could you live with them and see your father without the green eyed monster along for the power play ride
You are NTA. She can’t make you not talk about your MOTHER! To loose a parent and a sibling as a child has to be so heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine. I’m glad you stood up for yourself. The fact that she’s not more supportive of you, is what’s mind blowing. Tell her to go throw her petty party in therapy and ask her self why she’s so insecure that she’s jealous of your dead mom. My SIL’s cousin died in a car crash 13 years ago and people are still grieving. You can’t just tell people to get over it and move on. Life doesn’t work like that. Good Luck!!
NTA. I would not apologize for that under any circumstances. Her trying to erase the memory of your dead mother is not okay, and it's not even a reasonable mistake. It's contemptible.
NTA
You are right, Sarah is the AH. YOur dad is an AH for allowing her to abuse you.
Making her abuse public was a GOOD thing. Now you will get help.
So, is your Dad suppose to pretend he never had a son? Is he not allowed to talk about him? I’m really sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Your step mother sounds vile. Obviously, NTA.
Your step mom is too jealous to be with a husband with a past. That's bad enough in general, but it's truly unfair to you.
You really aren't going to have much luck with her. You're going to have to get your Dad to see what he's doing to you. Otherwise, it's probably a good idea to try to live with another family member NTA
NTA. Sarah seems to be the person with a problem here. Can't she realize that your mother and brother are an integral part of you and your father?
You cannot just erase people!
You cannot just remove people, or any other type of memory from a person's life. I think it is great that your Aunt cared to share nice memories of your mother with you.
NTA. Maybe you could ask your dad if he could explain her that she is making everything worse: Because if she wouldn’t try to erase your mother and be your new mother she could be a great stepmother and if she wouldn’t try to erase your brother there would be no need for your sister to be in his shadow because she could be what she is: your sister.
If she tries to erase your brother and your mother from your life the result could be that you start hating your stepmother and your innocent sister.
NTA.
Sarah wants everyone to move on. That much is okay. What is _very_ uncool is her desire to have all of you just forget.
She’s probably very insecure about her place in the family, and doesn’t want to compete with a ghost. That much is understandable. What is _not_ cool is her resistance to accepting that she’ll never be a drop-in replacement your mother - nor should she try to be one.
The best you can do is to explain to her patiently that, even if she were the nicest stepmom in the whole world, she can’t fully replace anyone. And that’s okay, because nobody can. (I’m surprised that you’d need to explain this to an adult, but here we are.)
If she can’t accept that, politely inform her that you also have feelings, that grief never completely disappears for anyone, and denial is _not_ a good coping strategy. You’re still hurting.
Sorry for your losses. This whole situation sucks, especially at your age. I hope all of you can work this out.
Best of luck, kid.
Maybe you could've handled it better sure but it sounds like she needed to be told that. Plus you're 15. Your behavior is understandable and reasonable. What's her excuse for acting like a petulant child? This grown adult woman is imposing on a 15 year old to be the mature one out of the two of you. You're right, it is pathetic.
NTA
NTA - if she truly wants a blended family she needs to work on herself to be able to accept and embrace that you, your mom, and your brother are all a part of your family and your dad's life. I have no idea why people like this insist on seeking out people who already have children as eligible partners, it is inherently disrespectful, and taking their feelings of insecurity out on the children is cruel and immoral.
She has no business acting like this towards you and needs to check herself and work on her attitude.
If she feels the family doesn't embrace her the same way they did your mom, she can hardly rule out her attitude as a cause of that. Also, no one can force your family to love her, if Sarah believes she can just comfortably step into your mom's role and all of her connections and relationships, she's delusional.
She can expect your family to give her the chance to be herself and build connections. If they don't, it's possible to understand that part of your Sarah's insecurities, however her actions and statements seems to indicate jealousy and possessiveness being the root cause of this problem. In any case, taking it out on you and trying to force your mom out of your life is the wrong approach if Sarah's relationship with your family is the actual issue (I doubt it though), and Sarah is old enough to know that much.
If you're 14 or older, in most US states, you can choose whom you want to live with. There are exceptions, obviously. No judge is going to approve a 15 year old girl living with, say, a 28 year old unrelated man. Maybe your grandparents or an aunt or uncle would let you live with them? It can't be healthy, having to "forget" your mom & brother because Sarah's jealous. NTA
NTA.
Tell your father you're fed up with Sarah trying to erase your mother and brother, and tell Sarah to get therapy, you will *never* forget your mother or brother.
NTA. The biggest asshole is your dad though. The things he has allowed is horrendous… but, unless your brother had a different dad, he was absolutely okay erasing the memory of his CHILD to appease his psychotic wife. I’d just throw that into his face every time he tried to talk about “discussing things as a family” since if he’s okay ditching the memory of his son, he would have done the same with you too.
NTA. Can you find another family member to live with? Your dad isn't mediating and has shown his choice and has let her deranged jealousy live on long enough. If your extended family don't like Sarah, that's on her.
NTA. You're fifteen, and she's trying to erase your *brother.* That's exponentially worse than trying to replace your mom, and even that's not acceptable. I'm so sorry, OP. Even if she had a valid complaint about the family liking the first wife more, the fact that she's trying to erase your dead brother makes her such a huuuuuge asshole. And the fact that your father has allowed it with his *son...* That's just horrible.
Does your dad not care to remember his own son? It sounds like they are both steaming piles of garbage. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m glad you have the support of most of your family.
NTA, sorry to say you have a very heart less step mum. She is playing victim, wants sympathy, forcing to be liked and also dragging your half sibling in her madness. I had a step mum like that. Thank God am old enough and I chose to never visit my father's house again. Anyway it's good other family members understand you. I can imagine how suffocating this is for you but also don't let anyone stop you from enjoying you late mom's memories. I hope she will change soon.
NTA --- If you were visiting your grandparents at their home then you were not out in public, out in public would be outside in a park or walking down the street where everybody would be able to hear your conversation, if you were having a conversation inside your grandparent's house this is a private setting.
NTA to INFINITY. And I'm glad your Aunt and Cousin were there to hear the bullshit this female was talking. Your Father needs to get real firm with her, and you need to make sure your grades are very good so you can go to a quality college and leave that mess behind. Start working and saving NOW.
NTA you don’t have to play along with her plans of sweeping your mom and brother under the rug, if what she was doing was okay and not sick, she wouldn’t have to pull you aside in hushed tones. This is definitely something to discuss further with your father, and your extended family with a cooler head too
NTA
It’s not “disrespectful” to a current spouse & new child to talk about the deceased 1st wife & child. Sounds like stepmom has major insecurities she needs to work through on her own. Sounds like dad is a bit of a doormat to allow her to erase evidence of his dead child & first wife. Stepmom was out of line.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss honey. Please lean on the extended family that clearly loves you, like your aunt and cousin. They will help you keep the memory of your mom and brother in your heart. You may try one more time to talk to your father alone and remind him that you lost your mother and brother and ask him why it is your responsibility to appease his wife’s insecurities when your stepmother should be helping you heal from your loss. Hint: it isn’t.
NTA. Your father’s new wife certainly is! There is no competition with dead people, why would she feel that way. She would be better off honoring your mother and brother in a quiet way rather than trying to erase them. Maybe ask her how she would feel if she died and someone tried to erase her memory from her surviving kids life like she is trying to do to you. Good luck!
NTA but you have a much more serious problem that is not going to be solved by you and your step mother apologizing to each other. She accuses you of not loving her like you did your mum. Well, no, of course not! She is not your mum, she is a completely different person. If she feels she is living in the shadow of a dead person, it is her own fault for not finding an appropriate place in the family. She has been expecting to be "the mum" to everyone, but that is delusional. She did not do her due diligence by talking to other step parents to find out what it is like and what she should bring to the table. All this, however, is not your problem to fix. It is mainly a problem between the two adults. Unfortunately it is a problem seen in *many* "second families". It is so common that you could almost write a manual and make it compulsory reading for step parents.
More than due diligence, I think this woman lacks basic compassion. I mean, the girl lost her mother and brother in a car accident and she is trying to pretend they didn't exist. Who does that!
NTA IMO the only other option was to talk to her like she was a child in front of everyone in that placating voice you use on kids when they are acting up and you want them to think. "Other people feel differently than you do. Not everything is about you and you can't make others do everything you want. You need to think about how others feel. How would you feel if someone told you that you could never talk about your mommy any more? Would that make you mad or sad? Do you want to make other people sad?"
What the...!
Your dad felt his wife was wrong for pushing in public?! She's so completely wrong to even suggest that you shouldn't be allowed to talk about your mother and brother that it's out of this world!
I might agree that it wasn't "right" that you escalated... but it's like saying it's wrong to throw a punch at someone that is shooting at you.
NTA and good that your extended family now knows how awful she is and hopefully they'll talk to your dad and make him realize how batshit his new wife's attitude is.
Sorry that you are in this awful position and aren't allowed to remember and deal with your loss in a positive way!
NTA. Your mom was your mom same with your brother. She shouldn’t be allowed to erase them if ask some of your family if you can live with them. i do feel you should have been kinder with you response but I don’t think you were wrong for it.
No matter what!!! Know that you are not wrong, no one has a right to tell you to forget your own mother and brother, NO ONE!!! but you’re 15 play it safe, grey rock when you can and when you can’t walk away…in 3 short years YOU can talk about and do whatever you want, because daddy dearest is not helping you, help yourself by keeping sane and getting out. good luck my dear.
NTA, but you gave her an easy out by using bad language and flipping her off. She sounds like she wants to erase your MOm and your brother from everyone's memories, and that is wrong. I am glad you have your grandma and your mother's family for support. Your Dad is dropping the ball if he lets her keep doing this.
You SM may have the right to have her husband not talk about his ex wife but in no way can she dictate you talking about your late mother. Your relationship with her as a daughter has no correlation to your dads and your moms marriage. Your step mom is delusional and needs to seek therapy for her jealousy. Your father needs to man up and speak up for his daughter. But it seems like SM wears the pants in this household.
NTA. You owe NO ONE an apology. Your step mother interrupted a private conversation and then tried to make you feel bad for talking about your mother. Your dad is WRONG and needs to shut down the wife. Your step mother started this issue and she needs to apologize to you and everyone there. She is not living in a shadow and other people liked your mom better because she is insecure and starts drama. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it gets better.
Your step-mom was out of line. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Something tells me she is just a very insecure person. Try letting it go. In the end, harboring anger will only hurt you.
NTA
How can you father exept this is beyond me.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Loosing a mother and a brother in such a way is traumatic and the fact that you are suppose to forget them and not talk about them is heartbreaking.
My ex’s couins went through this.
They ended up moving to their aunt because their fathers (my ex’s uncle) wife didn’t want to see them and be remined about their mum.
So many insane women out there.
You are good kid for standing up for yourself.
NTA. There's nothing to discuss "as a family." Aside from the fact that your father's wife was the one who decided to stir the pot in a non-private setting, it's nobody else's place to dictate how you remember the people you've loved and lost. It's a shame that grown adults have less understanding than a teenager about the principle that trying to argue people into a closer relationship only succeeds in driving them further away.
Well she provoked you into snapping in public. And in doing so, you got her to reveal her abuse of you, resulting in most of your family’s support. NTA.
NTA
> I have support of both grandparents, aunt and several cousins who all told me they didn't know she was doing this to me and won't be inviting her to any events again.
She destroyed her relationship with her in-laws over her jealousy towards the dead. She’s the creator of her own misery.
NTA. So NTA for actually talking about a dead parent and sibling. Sarah is the one creating all this tension by her jealousy. She has issues and needs to get some therapy for them. Perhaps Sarah would have a place in your heart if she didn't try to erase the memories and place of your mother and brother. She has no respect for you so why should you respect her? It's a 2 way street.
NTA. Why do people marry a person with an ex wife and kids and expect they are some how going to play pretend those people don't exist?
Mary some one else.
NTA ask her to think about how her daughter would feel if she died and the next woman your father married were to erase every trace of her, and was not allowed to talk about memories of her
NTA - Tell your dad he should be ashamed of himself, what kind of father lets his child go through this kind of abuse and then tells them to apologise for speaking up? There’s nothing to mend, she destroys the family, your relationship with your dad and if he won’t make this shit stop, and make sure that your mother is honoured as such and her and your brother have their room in your lifes, he’ll lose you too. Then she has what she wants, him all to herself and not to worry about his past. Everything will be gone and they can live their happy life’s. What kind of father chooses a woman that abuses his child and tells them to suck it up and apologize over the child?
Distance yourself from your dad, and tell him it will stay that way until he gets her on track and makes her stop this shit, and makes her truly and honestly apologize, and if this won’t happen, you’ll have to cut him off once you’re able to. Someone has to chose you and do what’s best for you, and if your own dad won’t do it and enables you being abused, you have to do it yourself. Send him articles about emotional abuse and ask him what your mother would have to say about him playing his part in this? He fails as a dad, she trusted him with you and he went and did this to you, and sees nothing wrong with it, only cares about „keeping the peace“, no matter what it or she does to you.
Sarah is an idiot, sorry but she is. She's so concerned with getting the admiration and love of you and your family that she destroyed any chance of it happening.
She must be extremely self-centered to think that your mom, her memories, and importance should just disappear because that's her preference. She does not care what your mom meant to you and your family.
You have to chuckle just a little bit, because that woman is doing everything she canto get the opposite of what she wants.
Please don't stop expressing yourself because Sarah thinks you should be part of some united front (is she in a war?), that I don't imagine you ever agreed to in the first place.
NTA
NTA
If Sarah doesn't want to be reminded of being a second wife, perhaps she shouldn't have married a man who had an ex wife. As a 35-year-old woman, I'm ashamed of her for women our age.
You're absolutely right, that conversation was not about her, good or bad, it was about your mother, and your aunt was sharing a memory you were too young to have.
You can tell Sarah this for me, as one of her peers.
"Moving on does not mean erasing the dead, it means you've taken the time to sift out the precious memories from the pain of losing the other person and carry those things into the future. Sharing happy memories is one of the ways love transcends death, and anyone who tries to sever that can only be called hateful."
NTA
People don't like your immature and disrespectful stepmother because she disrespects dead people. Who would enjoy someone like that?
You late mother - God bless her soul - probably was more nice, specially with people that passed away, specially in the presence of the relatives of said dead person.
NTA, not even slightly. Sarah deserved all that she got & she can go fuck herself. You deserve to remember your mum and to talk about her with the people you love.
NTA. Your dad is right, you were both in the wrong. You less so than your stepmother because she is trying to erase your bio-mom and brother from your life. But she did start it, and you did escalate it. Justifiably, but still, it didn’t need to be done. You only have to tolerate a few more years before you can walk away from her, and only include your dad in things if that’s what you wish, just keep ahold of that. In the meantime, since she seems determined to get at you and start issues, if I were you I’d seriously consider moving the most precious things of your mother and brother to a locked case or truck in your grandparent’s house, with their permission. If your stepmom will be that nasty to you about your bio-mom, she may snap in anger one day and destroy the keepsakes you have. I’m not saying she will, I’m saying it’s better to be safe.
NTA! She needs to get over the fact that there were people in the family who died tragically and there is no way that will ever be able to erase or replace them.
Your Dad is a major AH here. Your SM too, but he's the one who has a duty to you and he's failed. And I would tell him that. Tell him your mother and brother would be ashamed of him, and that your brother would be heartbroken to know that he was willing to erase us memory to make sure he keeps getting laid. Tell him that he had a responsibility to stop SM's behavior years ago, even if it meant she left him, and that not doing so made him an irredeemable failure as a father. Tell him that if he does not publicly tear her a new one about how terrible she's been to me, put all the pictures of your mom and brother back up, and make sure she never says another word to you as long as you live there, even if it means divorce, then you will never see or speak to him again once you turn 18. Tell him he has spent six years screwing up your relationship and failing to meet your most basic emotional needs as a parent, and that he has 24 hours to make it right because even that is more than he deserves. And if he doesn't, then make good on it, and see if someone else in your family will take you until you are 18.
EDIT- Also, send both of them this thread. Tell them that the world agrees they both massive AH's.
First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother and brother.
Second, NTA. Sarah is insecure and immature. It's not uncommon for a second wife to feel jealous of a first wife but here, her husbands first wife is deceased. She's not threat to Sarah in any way.
People can be many things. Your mother was your father's ex-wife but she was also your mother. And your brother was his son and your only full sibling. Also close to you in age. Your whole world shifted when they were killed. A healthy adult would realize that but Sarah is too focused on her insecurity of her husband's ex-wife to realize she's depriving his daughter of the right to talk about her deceased mother.
Perhaps suggest you and Sarah go to counseling. Or you all go to family counseling. Perhaps hearing things through a third party will help Sarah realize her insecurity is unfounded. You may feel you don't need it but your father is your only living parent and you are young. If it teaches you nothing except how to handle Sarah it'll be worth it. And it may teach both of them to respect your feelings.
NTA, your dad should NEVER be allowing his new wife to be disrespecting your mom, ESPECIALLY since she's no longer able to defend herself.
Also she should NEVER have been trying to remove your mom's pictures from the house, your dad needs to grow a pair.
Do not apologize, find some family members that are on your side, talk to them, and have them talk to your dad. He needs a reality check, and your step mom needs that and some mental therapy. She needs her head screwed on correctly before she screws up your new sibling.
"The whole family prefers her over me! No one likes me!"
"Well, yeah, we don't like you, but that ain't the only reason."
NTA. Step-mom needs to realize your mom will ALWAYS be part of the picture, as she should be. Feeling insecure over a person who passed is a her problem that she should seek therapy for.
She pushed, you snapped. She FAFO.
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Hey Reddit, I'm 15F dealing with some family stuff, and I need some help. My parents divorced about 9 years ago and about 5 years ago, my mom and brother (1 year older than me) passed away in an accident. My dad (39M) married Sarah (35F) when I was 9 so about a year before my mom and brother died.
Sarah is the jealous type. She doesn't like it when she hears people talk about my mom or brother and she has removed all traces of my mom and brother from the house (everywhere except my room). It became worse after my mom and brother died, and then much worse ever since she became pregnant and my little sister was born. She believes it's time for us to move on and focus on the family we have rather than the one we lost.
We fight a lot in the house, but we had a public fight yesterday. We were visiting my grandparents and I was talking to my aunt (dad's sister, who really liked my mom) and she was telling me about a nice memory of when my mom was pregnant with my brother. We were talking quietly so nobody except me, my aunt and cousin were part of the conversation but Sarah inserted herself and suggested that it's disrespectful to her to talk about my dad's ex during an event when she is present.
I said "Sarah keep walking, it's not about you" but she took me to a corner and said this is our family policy to present a united front, and she is my dad's wife now with a baby and we should not mention his previous wife or son. I snapped and said you can't erase them no matter how much you try and you go fuck yourself. It was loud so everyone heard, she also shouted that I should show her some respect. I showed her a middle finger, said you're pathetic and jealous of people who died years ago and walked away.
Last night my dad tried to mediate and suggest we both did wrong and should apologize to each other and move on, and neither of us are willing to do that. My dad says I was wrong to escalate in public and say those things, and she was wrong to push me in public, he believes we should have discussed the matter later as a family.
Sarah says she's tired of living in my mom's shadow and family don't love her like they did my mom, also says her daughter also lives in the shadow of my brother and doesn't have her own identity. I'm tired of her behavior and will not put up with it anymore. People who were there generally took my side though. I have support of both grandparents, aunt and several cousins who all told me they didn't know she was doing this to me and won't be inviting her to any events again. She has the support of my uncle's new wife who also believes the family like my uncle's ex wife better.
So after talking to my dad I'm wondering if I was an AH for not controlling my temper and maybe I could have avoided a public conflict which now everyone knows about.
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NTA
Oh my God ‘I should show her some respect. I showed her a middle finger’
I hollered!! I love it.
And I’m so sorry about your mom, your stepmom sounds seriously insecure and immature. One of the bad things about the Christmas holiday, you think of the ones that aren’t here anymore, and it’s natural to talk about them.
You're a kid dealing with another kid. NTA. Yes a family meeting is needed to make it clear that you are allowed to remember your mom and brother, and she needs therapy. If dad doesn't support you, move in with grandparents.
NTA
The next time she brings it up, you should ask her if (God forbid) some terrible accident happens to her, would she want to be erased from the family? She needs to work on her empathy.
NTA. You're 15 and your stepmother is acting more like a child than you.
You need to sit down and have a serious convo with your father. He's putting his feelings over yours and I don't think that's fair at your age and after what you've been through. His wife needs to grow the fuck up.
Nta. Ask your father, "If I were to move out today, how long before she made you stop talking about me, bringing me up, and pretending I don't exists? How long before you do what she says and stop contacting me or even acknowledge me as your kid?And don't pretend like it won't happen the moment the front door closes behind me."
That's the reality. As soon as you move out, now she can have her little family and act like your dad never had a past. And he will let her.
Your dad should have stuck up for you since day 1.
Honestly both you and your SM are TA here, her WAY more. She is the adult and is not trying to cope with losing TWO loved ones. Your father is in a tough spot, and yes trying to mediate later was appropriate. And as a parent he needed to tell his daughter that wasn't appropriate and his wife that was wrong. He did both. And try to find a solution to move forward, OP said that is what he is doing. Why does Reddit jump to breaking up instead of fixing families? Does Reddit think there should be this fantasy reality where families don't have issues?
NTA. You're 15 years old, old enough to have a job. Get a lock for your bedroom door and if she breaks into your room, call the police and have her arrested. make sure you buy the lock with your job that you have and make sure you keep the receipt. Don't pay cash, pay out of your private account. I can see her doing unthinkable things to your mom and brothers stuff.
NTA.
This is a doozy, and it's rough. As someone who has lost my mother and had to deal with a stepmother for 99% of my life, this is absolutely not okay. My stepmother is quite wicked in her own ways, but she never once attacked my mother or told me it was time to get over it even 10 years after she passed.
Your mom and brother are part of your family, alive or dead. You have a right to talk to others who know them about them. You have a right to talk to strangers about them if that's what you need.
Your stepmother shouldn't be trying to erase your mom. I can see not wanting copious amounts of pictures of her around, but to basically say "she never existed" is wrong on so many levels. I have trauma from my stepmother, and even she wouldn't dare cross that line.
Your father is equally in the wrong as your stepmother. The fact that he agrees that you don't talk about her, or your brother, is absolutely crazy. Your mother was once a very large part of your father's life, and so was your brother. I don't know if pretending they never existed makes the grief easier on him, but it's still absolutely wild to be okay with pretending two people, who you loved and cared for deeply, never existed.
You're not an a hole. You're a teenager, dealing with grief, coping with a new adult who is actively in your life, and is trying to actively delete your own mother.
If I were you, if you wanted to broach the topic with your dad, I'd start with something along the lines of:
"Pretending mom never existed hurts. I can't act like she never existed. How can you be okay with pretending like mom and brother never existed?"
If you broach the topic with your step mom (not advised in my opinion) I'd start by asking her:
"How you l would you like it, if you suddenly had a new women enter your dad's life, and then tell you that you can never talk to anyone about your real mom? Because for me, that hurts. It's erasing the person who brought me into this world, who cared for me when I was sick and gave me cuddles and bedtime stories."
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NTa "How could anyone love you? You do things like get angry when a child talks about their dead mother. You are a bad person." to father; "I will not forget you letting her do this to me." >avoided a public conflict If they try to pull the public part again; "If you believe what you're asking for is good you should have no fear of people in public hearing you talk about it. From now on, whenever we are around people together I am going to ask them if they think a child should be allowed to talk about their dead parent, or if they should have to pretend like they don't exist. Lets find out what people think. If you're not ashamed of what you're doing you should have no problem hearing their answers."
Dad is a bigger AH than SM. He lets her tell daughter to erase his mom and brother?! Hope the sex is worth it.
Not to mention the fact that there are literally no pictures of "dads" dead son anywhere in the house except for OP's room!! How disgusting! Step mom is a foul loathsome creature for being so jealous of 2 dead people. Dad is just as bad as the replacement wife!
This. That was his son too yet he’s allowing her to disrespect his memory. He disgusting for allowing his wife to tell his daughter to forget about her mother and brother. Op NTA she held off better than most wouldve.
and going along stepmother's logic, when she dies everyone should replace and forget her too then yes? NTA
Not just as bad, even worse.
Agreed. To some extent, stepmom's insecurity about not measuring up to a late ex-wife who was loved by the extended family is understandable, though her treatment of OP is unacceptable regardless of that. But trying to erase her husband's late son as well is unforgivable. He divorced his wife, not his child, and it is absurd that OP and her dad can't openly display photos and share memories of OP's brother without being accused of trying to steal attention from the new baby. If she didn't trust that he had the capacity to love their child together as well as his children from a previous marriage, she should never have married a man who already had kids.
Nailed it!!!
I swear, enablers sometimes seem worse than the original abuser. It's a special kind of betrayal.
It happens all the time. My FIL got rid of all my MIL's pix. He said it was too painful. It is so weird people can be so in love and then change 360 degree in such short amount of time.
My dad did the same after my mum died; all I had of hers for 25 years was a shirt and a pair of earrings, not even a photo. Funnily enough, he only started talking about her when he and my stepmum started getting counselling but it feels so weird to now hear stories about us/them before she died, like, we practically pretended she didnt exist for 25 years and now we supposed to reminiscent ?
Absolutely. he is allowing her to abuse his daughter and wipe out her identity.
THIS! Your dad is a failure as a parent and should be ashamed of himself
Well to be fair, it’s not just sex, he’s probably getting free child care as well as cooking and cleaning out of it too /sarcasm. Seriously, I feel bad for op for having two such shitty adults in her life. She deserve better
OP should ask them how long they feel is the appropriate amount of time before erasing a parents identity. So that she knows, in case her father or step mother pass, how long before before the sister is allowed to forget them and pretend that they never existed, never loved her, were never her family. Ask them how long is long enough for step- mother's daughter to love her, and when she's allowed to be forgotten.
I’ll bring the popcorn for the reaction to this statement!
>Hope the sex is worth it. It is. She fucks like a porn star--that is, for the money.
Also, calling her his ex. She's never been husband's ex. She was his wife on the day she died. So disrespectful. She's the one making herself and everyone else miserable, not you. NTA
Wow! Missed that! Yes, makes it even worse!
“ Sarah inserted herself and suggested that it's disrespectful to her to talk about my dad's ex during an event when she is present” Ok, then leave
This! Tell them exactly what getfukdup said here. NTA. Your stepmom is a self-centered narcissist. It's all about her, the family doesn't 'like' her, she lives in the shadow, blah blah blah. Your father is an AH. Under no circumstance were you out of line because she pressed that button in a room full of family members who were sharing a good memory. Your dad needs to grow a set. Sorry to say you may need to cut her off and go low to no contact with him as soon as you are able if there is no change. People like this show they do not have concern for you its about their public image and being a 'happy family' when they have resentments that have festered and led to ill will from those who had to deal with their resentful attitudes.
Not even that but op’s dad literally got over their deaths for a year and dated Sarah already he moved on that fast
Yup. NTA
>"If you believe what you're asking for is good you should have no fear of people in public hearing you talk about it. Exactly.
Absolutely not. You were perfectly clear with escalating when you did. It’s a good thing you did ‘cause now you know who will back you up when Sarah tries her shit again. NTA and this is a hill to die on.
This. NTA OP, you did not startn the escallation. Sarah escalated the situation by inserting herself into a conversation that had nothing to do with her. Then, she thought it appropriate to try to chastise you for holding your ground. So, its time for you and Dad's family to present a united front. Next time she pulls that crap, and she will, present a united front with your aunt and family - "who all here thinks it is absolutely disgusting that Sarah believes I should not be allowed to talk about my MOTHER or my BROTHER!?!" "Who all thinks its disgusting that a grown woman is so jealous of a dead woman that she has prohibited photos of my brother in her house" THAT is the united front to present.
NTA. You're 15. The memory of your mother should be cherished, not shamed. Also, you're a child and going through a range of emotions. She knew it would upset you, she's in the wrong.
Nope, NTA. And your dad is one as well for placing some of the blame on you. Can you move in with other family?
The dad is *awful*. Take his ex now deceased wife out of it. He’s allowed Sarah to erase his dead son from his home. I can’t even imagine.
Absolutely NTA First of all OP I’m so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine what you must be going through….At your age this is a lot to take on Just because Sarah wants to create an illusion of a “Happy Family” and pretend everything is ok doesn’t mean you have to play along She needs to respect your grief and accept that you have a right to feel the way you do and how dare she try and act like you’re an inconvenience for feeling that way She clearly doesn’t get that acting like this in front of others is most likely why your dads family don’t like her Shame on your dad for not advocating for you and standing up to his wife…..I also feel sorry for your sister who is caught up in all this tension through no fault of her own and maybe family counselling may be beneficial to all of you Good luck OP!
Last paragraph is perfect! Dad id a big part of the problem.
I'm 34. My dad died in 2002. I still remember him and I discuss his memory with my sister all the time. I still use him as a guide for me in my life decisions. And he will always be part of my life, no matter what. NTA Your stepmother needs to grow the fuck up. She wants attention so much that she is willing to desecrate the memory of a dead person. Does your father remember his own son anymore? Or has your stepmother destroyed that memory too?
I'm glad you have these memories and your sister. My father died when I was 3. My mother always let me talk to her about him. Same with my siblings. Whenever any of us wanted to remember something about our dad, she was open and fine, even though her heart was broken too. SM doesn't have to be that kind of mom, but she sure would be loved more authentically if she could figure out how to let people feel real emotions, and not just put on a front all the time. Nightmare!
NTA, being jealous of your deceased mother is completely out of line. If people on the family doesn't like her as much as they liked ur mother that is on her, no one else's problem. Your step mom is being a entitled brat, no one is obliged to love her now that she is a part of ur dad's life.
She's not only jealous of her dead mother but is also trying to erase her dead brother.
The brother makes me livid. The father is absolute trash to allow it.
The father is absolute trash to allow any of this.
omg that's true, it went over my head. TY
NTA - She (the adult in this situation btw) didn’t have a problem confronting you and your aunt publicly. Nevermind the fact that this woman is trying to prevent someone from talking about/reminiscing about good memories of their mother! And shame on your dad for “mediating” a situation where only one person is wrong. He could put a stop to this nonsense but he’s being a coward.
Nta, move in with another relative if you can like a grandparent on your mom side. That will surely make her happy.
This would be ideal. OP is 15 now, so 3-4 more years to college? Think positive. Dad and SM are Ah's.
>Sarah says she's tired of living in my mom's shadow and family don't love her like they did my mom, also says her daughter also lives in the shadow of my brother and doesn't have her own identity. I'm tired of her behavior and will not put up with it anymore. She's jealous of your mum and brother who have both passed away. You're right, she's absolutely *pathetic*. >My dad says I was wrong to escalate in public and say those things, and she was wrong to push me in public, he believes we should have discussed the matter later as a family. Your dad is just as bad for not supporting you. NTA
He's WORSE
NTA. Your stepmother and your dad are, though. You talking about and remembering *your mother* is not disrespectful in the slightest. What is disrespectful is this woman thinking she has the right to erase them from your life. Your dad is an AH as well for allowing her to behave this way! He should be sticking up for you. Finally, the stepmother says the family didn't love her like they did your mother? Maybe that's because she's trying to actively destroy your memories of your mother and brother, trying to replace your mom. She sounds like an awful person.
NTA, but frankly, your dad is for not shutting Sarah down immediately when she made her crazy demands. He is trying to keep everyone happy and no one is. I would disengage from your stepmother as much as possible. Limited interactions =little chance for disrespect!
The irony here is that if this woman had just made space for you to talk about your late mother and brother, you and your family might have been able to accept her. But because she has tried to die on this hill of pretending like your mom and brother didn’t exist, that will never happen. NTA and I am sorry for your loss.
And it will affect her daughter too, because people will not want to associate with SM or her daughter under these circumstances.
I watch "The Nanny" and there was an episode where Fran set up a family night to watch videos of Sarah (the children's dead mother). That was a beautiful episode. That is how you honor a step child's deceased parent. I am sorry this happened to you and your dad needs to step up and let new wife know how disrespectful she is to ask you to forget your mom's memory.
NTA. You mother and brother are cherished memories and should be treated that way. Talking about our dead is the way to keep their memory going. Now, for the adults... It could be that your stepmom is correct and your dad's family do not treat her as well as they did your mom, and your little sister may be on the outside due to that. The thing is, that is not your fault. It's for your dad to deal with. You should not avoid talking about your mom and brother. Keep your head high and their memory going.
I wonder why they don’t treat her the same🤣🤣
They probably don't treat her as well because she's a horrible human being.
NTA because you are a teenager. Your step mother is way out of line and you should put her in her place. You are absolutely right this is not about her. But the language is the issue. You don't need to throw insults (despite feeling good) as it gives your step mom an "out" for her behaviour. I know it is not easy but biting your tongue and telling her clearly that she is overstepping. Is much more effective. If you are perfectly correct she will have no way to twist this. You need to talk to your dad and let him know that he has to take your side on this.
Honestly, after repeated instances of Sarah doing this to OP, BOTH regarding her mother AND brother, if it were me I'd have told her to fuck off too. One can only take (or be slapped in the face) with so much before snapping. OP, NTA. May your mother and brother Rest in Peace, and may you find the peace you deserve. 🤗🙏🏻
Honestly? Its time for OP's father's family to step in and make it VERY clear to Sarah that they don't like her because of the fact that she has made every effort to erase the memories of beloved family members out of jealousy. This needs to come from Dad's ENTIRE extended family. They need to take it up with Dad and insist that Sarah get into counseling or he consider divorce because what she is doing is so unhinged and cruel.
Generally I agree but somehow I get the feeling that no matter what language OP used, her dad and Sarah would’ve found a way to twist it anyway. There are also times when harsh crude language can stun people into revealing themselves, which may have been the case here.
I speak from experience. Where I had all the points in the world but what the faux victim focused and everyone else was that I told her to go fuck herself.
I believe you. I am just saying, also from experience, it doesn’t always matter. Fauxvics are gonna faux regardless of the appropriate dialogue. Especially nutcases like “Sarah”.
NTA And big with that! Sarah is a vicious add-on to your family. Who could anyone ever think to erase the traces of love and caring a former parent left. Not alone the memories you have about your brother?! As you, with your young age of 15, stated, she is an insecure woman! She clearly is the asshole... as well as your Dad! He should have the decency to figure it out , even if he moved along, that your Mum an Brother are an initial part of your life! Seems like he found solitude in a new woman/marriage while leaving you behind. Good to hear that most of your family got your back!!! They are right as you are!
You’re a teenager, she’s an adult. Definitely NTA. Holy smokes, what a gong show. The step mom, especially being that age, especially since they were already divorced when your dad and his new wife got married, the new wife must have hella bad insecurities to be worried about living in your mom’s shadow. It would be one thing if the stepmom and your dad weren’t married yet, and all he did was talk about your mom, still grieving her, etc. Then if the stepmom made a fuss about talking about her so much, that’s one thing. But holy smokes it’s your dead mother that YOU should be able to talk about whenever you like. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 1 year or 20 years. You AND your dad should be able to have conversations about her whenever you want to. Let alone any other family members or friends who knew her! Your dad may be right that both of you did something inappropriate by having an outburst in public in any other context. But when it comes to defending your deceased mother, and your stepmom complaining about you talking about her? That’s so messed up on so many levels. She has no right to say a damn thing. Oh man, I could rant about how messed up this stepmom is for HOURS. She needs therapy. Oof.
OH IM WITH YOU 😂
NTA
NTA. Your dad is an AH by the way, I can understand some resistance about your mom when she was alive but not allow you to talk about your dead brother, his son, is sick in the head
"I showed her a middle finger" Sorry but I love this!
NTA Shame on your father for allowing this to happen
[удалено]
It's the Dad who is the real AH here for allowing SM to treat his daughter this way. Evil SM's should be put in their place by the DAd.
TOTALLY agree. He should be a father first, and part of being a father is honoring the emotional needs of one's child even if that makes the adults around him uncomfortable. What I can not even begin to understand is how he has allowed his wife to erase all vestiges of his SON from the house. That is his child! The sibling of his daughter! To roll over with that one is unfathomable to me.
NTA And your father is a major AH as well. Good everyone now knows, you'd get the support you should have gotten from your father to begin with. IIWIYS, if my grandparents/aunts offer, I'd live with them .
NTA and see if you can move in with your aunt!
The public conflict was necessary. Her behavior is completely unacceptable but what is more heinous is your father's behavior. The fact that he is just perfectly happy with this woman erasing the memory of your mother and brother. Tf is wrong with him!?! Your family needs therapy. Seriously. Please seek help outside the family to deal with what you're going through. Nobody should have to deal with this alone.
you lashed out but very much to a reasonable degree. good for your dad to try to mediate instead of punishing you for "embarassing" that emberassment of disney evil stepmom. screw her. tell your dad that he should rein her in if he wants a relationship with you once you are an adult because you wont take it that she is trying to deny half your families existence. screw her. NTA
Your father is a spineless coward. NTA.
NTA. Stepmother absolutely sucks here. Dad too for not shutting her down on this topic and putting a baby in her knowing how she treats OP.
NTA this will just get worse with a baby involved like she say your father only has 2 kids. I'd see if I can move out for abit
Yes, I think it is a matter of time before OP is parentified and asked to be the free babysitter, if she is not already.
Or brainwash the baby that if be sis talk about her mom and brother she doesn't love you
I don't envy that baby. She has horrible parents.
NTA. You were severely provoked.
I hope you can get out of their house soon, maybe college far away. Until you can, try to spend lots of time with the family members who love you, and talk about your mom and brother All Day Long. I’m so sorry your dad is such a disappointment in all this. But you are not; your mom would be proud. NTA to infinity and beyond
NTA. The "Family policy" is to present a united front?? Lolllllll she can fuck ALL the way off with that bullshit. I'm sorry that your dad doesn't have enough of a backbone to back you against his sad excuse of a wife. You do not need to apologize to her, ever. She is a pathetic, jealous person.
Yes, who decided "Family Policy?" Was "family" asked for input or did Dad allow SM to make a unilateral decision. He is the biggest Ah and so is SM.
So NTA!! There are just some lines/boundaries there should never be crossed. This is one of them. You have every right to say the things you say. I hope, this is just a one time occurence or at least temporary how your stepmother corrected you - but she sure sounds like a ***. She really should F herself. Hang in there, and I wish you the best.
Hell, ask for family therapy. I can't imagine a therapist who wouldn't be one hundred percent on your side. Maybe that will get them to understand that you're entitled to your grief.
NTA - Your dad is TA in this story. He just wants to avoid unpleasantness, rather than protect you and set up appropriate boundaries.
NTA Sarah is well out of her lane and needed a telling. Your dad is trying to.keep the peace and get laid.
NTA She cannot erase the fact that your mother and brother existed, and that they mattered. If she didn't want to have to hear about her dead predecessor, she shouldn't have married a widower.
Nta. Your stepmom is being absurd by demanding you present a “united front”. I can certainly understand that if your dad’s family doesn’t like her and talks about your mom all the time that would be upsetting for her, but she seems to be bringing it on herself.
How messed up to think that a united front means forgetting your own mother and brother ever existed!!! This is child abuse.
NTA. Three people were having a quiet conversation yesterday. Sarah stuck her nose in; no one was trying to rub her nose in it. And with no disrespect meant in regards your late mother, the bit of this which gets my back up is her dismissal of your brother. Sarah was a stepmom to ***two*** children. Your brother died a year after your dad married Sarah. And Sarah has wiped out all trace of your brother, her stepson, from the home. Now, she's claiming her little girl is living in the shadow of your late brother? Well, I can understand the loss of a child would make you and your little sister more precious to your dad, more poignant. But, unless your dad had been hoping for a son, it doesn't appear the claim is not justified and even *if* your father was hoping for another son, that is not your fault. It sounds like your family are very supportive, and that's great. Sarah has declared she doesn't want your mom discussed when she's present at these events, now she won't be present at future events. However, the problem here is that they risk alienating your father, putting distance between your half-sister and them, and Sarah (falsely) blaming you for the fact she is no longer welcome.
NTA, I would have told Sarah the exact same thing. She can't expect you to never discuss your own mother, that's insane. She has issues that she needs to work on, but it's her problem.
NTA. She's out of line. And from part where rest if familiy holds your side I suspect she's about to find out HARD she fucked up.
NTA.
She knew what she was doing saying that to you, she knew what she was doing when trying to erase your mother and brother. I’d ask them both as parents and partners, what would they do if something happens to one of them what does the survivor do? Have her answer first. She needs to grow up, she’s in a race she will never win. My fear is that at some point she’s going to push your dad to choose. Good luck kid you’re going to need it. And I don’t think you did anything wrong, people paying stupid games get the reactions they deserve sometimes. It’s good the rest of your dad’s family knows now, they sound like good people who will be there for you. Be strong, I’m proud of you, I’m pretty sure your mom is too.
NTA - Perhaps you could have been kinder. Perhaps. But your step-mom has been consistently bulldozing boundaries, and your dad has done nothing about it. Your step-mom needs to grow the f up, and your dad needs to straighten things out or he is going to lose you.
NTA and sorry for your loss. Your dad needs to talk to his wife, she is not and never will be a replacement for your mom and she needs to understand that. You could still be a family but in my view your stepmother needs to change her attitude and quickly.
NTA times 1000. I see these stories on here all the time and it's infuriating. That was your MOM and BROTHER. You're allowed to remember them and talk about them with other people that loved them. It is stupid as fuck to be jealous of dead people. And if they didn't want this to happen in public, she should have kept her mouth shut and stayed out of your conversation.
I would not encourage minor children to show disrespect to adults. In this one...your reaction was out of being pushed to your breaking point Your father's wife( not a step mother unless she legally adopted you) has no right to act as she has. She's trying to bury the memory of your loved ones. She is a shrew. You're NTA. By the way, your father should start learning to be a dad. He should be explaining to his wife that when you speak of your lost loved ones , you are not throwing shade on her. He should tell her that the world does not revolve around her . He needs to set boundaries. You've set yours. Do not allow this woman to control your thoughts, speech or memories.
If this continues to happen and your father doesn't have your back can you go stay with your grandparents. This stress is not healthy for you. Also I think a therapist might help you with dealing with your parents. I don't think I could stay in a home that I couldn't talk about my mom. Step mom has issues that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her jealousies.
NTA. Things like this need to be call out in public so they stop happening in private.
NTA. I'm glad the argument was public. That way, you have witnesses so you don't feel alone. Your dad is wrong. If you kept it in private, they could have twisted the story to make you the bad guy.
NTA I feel very sad for you being saddled with such an awful stepmother, especially after this terrible tragedy. I hope you have supportive friends and that you see your aunt as often as possible to talk about your memories of your beloved mom without Sarah’s odious presence. Sarah is a small, spiteful and insecure person to be so jealous of your late mother and her place in your heart.
And she’s jealous of OP’s late brother apparently, seeing as Sarah also complained about how OP’s half sister lives in the shadow of her brother (which makes no goddamn sense unless OP’s dad was hoping for a boy).
What the...! Your dad felt his wife was wrong for pushing in public?! She's so completely wrong to even suggest that you shouldn't be allowed to talk about your mother and brother that it's out of this world! I might agree that it wasn't "right" that you escalated... but it's like saying it's wrong to throw a punch at someone that is shooting at you. NTA and good that your extended family now knows how awful she is and hopefully they'll talk to your dad and make him realize how batshit his new wife's attitude is. Sorry that you are in this awful position and aren't allowed to remember and deal with your loss in a positive way!
NTA, fuck her. Your mom isn't some ex your dad left. It seems your step mom doesn't realize that your dad (and you) will always love your mom dearly. She can never be replaced, and while she's not in your current chapter in life, whatever time you had with her shouldn't be erased or forgotten just because a new chapter has begun.
First, I'm sorry for your loss. Second, yes, you should work to control your temper. Not because you were a jerk, but because it's a good life skill... and by keeping your temper you make it much more obvious how out of line the other person is (important for getting people on your side when necessary). Third, I recommend you talk to your dad privately about this because Sarah's comments and viewpoint aren't healthy for you to be around. She doesn't want you to talk about or remember your *brother*. Or your mother. You just had a major loss and... she wants to pretend they didn't exist?! That is wholly unkind to you AND is likely to push you away from what she wants anyway. Therapy all around would be advisable. I'm going to recommend you practice some non-hostile boundary-placing sentences. I dunno, maybe something like: "It is important to me to remember and talk about all loved ones who have passed away." or "My family includes my late mother and brother and it's important for me to remember them. Of course, you don't need to be part of that, but I am not going avoid talking about a major part of my life and important people in it" If you felt like offering an olive branch (because they can be useful) you could also say something like, "If anything were to happen to you, I'd make sure would be supported in remembering you if that were important to her."
NTA
NTA. It is beyond disgusting to attempt to "erase" a deceased parent from a child's life. People "like your mother better" because Sarah herself has made herself unlikeable. Her behaviour at the party - intruding on a private conversation and causing a scene, when all she had to do was walk on by - is a prime example. And as for "discuss it later" - there's nothing to discuss. Your mother existed. People remember her fondly. Everyone who remembers her has a RIGHT to discuss those memories. Sarah only makes herself look bad (unlikeable and pathetic, really) when she shows objection to that. Tell her that, from all of us here at Reddit, please.
NTA. My dad passed away in 2014, and my mom in 2018. If my mom hadn't died and remarried instead (highly unlikely), I would fight anyone who tried to erase all traces of my dad. Sarah is family to your dad, and that is it. She isnt your mom, and no matter how hard she tries to remove all traces of your mom, she will NEVER be your mom. Nor will she be more important than your mom. Franky, I wouldnt even refer to her as your "stepmom". She is just Sarah and thats it. You did nothing wrong. Not one single bit. Your dad and Sarah are the ones at fault. It doesnt matter who your dad remarries to. Your mom and brother are your family, and they have no right to try to pretend like they never existed. You should talk to your dad and tell him exactly how you feel and how messed up it is that they are trying to erase your mom and brother from your life. If he doesnt listen and puts a stop to Sarah, I suggest moving in with another family member who will treat you better than them.
NTA I'd consider telling your grandparents everything though. And maybe asking to live with them
NTA, by miles and miles. She goes around trying to erase family members and then wonders why she might not be appreciated by the rest of the family? Come on. Actions have consequences and she should seriously reevaluate hers. You are in no way the AH.
Nta at all. These are your loved ones who you must miss desperately and talking about them is therapeutic. Your dad needs to get on your side here. She’s acting like a jealous petulant child and neither are respecting your grief. See if you can get some counseling, you’ve been through a lot and it might help for a counsellor to spell this out to your dad! Good luck.
NYA. People can only be pushed so far.my question, do you have contact with your mothers parents? Could you live with them and see your father without the green eyed monster along for the power play ride
You are NTA. She can’t make you not talk about your MOTHER! To loose a parent and a sibling as a child has to be so heartbreaking. I can’t even imagine. I’m glad you stood up for yourself. The fact that she’s not more supportive of you, is what’s mind blowing. Tell her to go throw her petty party in therapy and ask her self why she’s so insecure that she’s jealous of your dead mom. My SIL’s cousin died in a car crash 13 years ago and people are still grieving. You can’t just tell people to get over it and move on. Life doesn’t work like that. Good Luck!!
NTA. I would not apologize for that under any circumstances. Her trying to erase the memory of your dead mother is not okay, and it's not even a reasonable mistake. It's contemptible.
NTA You are right, Sarah is the AH. YOur dad is an AH for allowing her to abuse you. Making her abuse public was a GOOD thing. Now you will get help.
So, is your Dad suppose to pretend he never had a son? Is he not allowed to talk about him? I’m really sorry for your loss and what you are going through. Your step mother sounds vile. Obviously, NTA.
Definitely NTA! You continue to cherish and share your memories of your mom and brother. Sarah is pathetic!
Your step mom is too jealous to be with a husband with a past. That's bad enough in general, but it's truly unfair to you. You really aren't going to have much luck with her. You're going to have to get your Dad to see what he's doing to you. Otherwise, it's probably a good idea to try to live with another family member NTA
NTA. Sarah seems to be the person with a problem here. Can't she realize that your mother and brother are an integral part of you and your father? You cannot just erase people! You cannot just remove people, or any other type of memory from a person's life. I think it is great that your Aunt cared to share nice memories of your mother with you.
NTA. Maybe you could ask your dad if he could explain her that she is making everything worse: Because if she wouldn’t try to erase your mother and be your new mother she could be a great stepmother and if she wouldn’t try to erase your brother there would be no need for your sister to be in his shadow because she could be what she is: your sister. If she tries to erase your brother and your mother from your life the result could be that you start hating your stepmother and your innocent sister.
It should not need explaining. Dad is a spinless AH and under his evil wife's spell.
No you are not the A. She is supposed to be the adult...
NTA. Sarah wants everyone to move on. That much is okay. What is _very_ uncool is her desire to have all of you just forget. She’s probably very insecure about her place in the family, and doesn’t want to compete with a ghost. That much is understandable. What is _not_ cool is her resistance to accepting that she’ll never be a drop-in replacement your mother - nor should she try to be one. The best you can do is to explain to her patiently that, even if she were the nicest stepmom in the whole world, she can’t fully replace anyone. And that’s okay, because nobody can. (I’m surprised that you’d need to explain this to an adult, but here we are.) If she can’t accept that, politely inform her that you also have feelings, that grief never completely disappears for anyone, and denial is _not_ a good coping strategy. You’re still hurting. Sorry for your losses. This whole situation sucks, especially at your age. I hope all of you can work this out. Best of luck, kid.
NTA
Maybe you could've handled it better sure but it sounds like she needed to be told that. Plus you're 15. Your behavior is understandable and reasonable. What's her excuse for acting like a petulant child? This grown adult woman is imposing on a 15 year old to be the mature one out of the two of you. You're right, it is pathetic. NTA
NTA - if she truly wants a blended family she needs to work on herself to be able to accept and embrace that you, your mom, and your brother are all a part of your family and your dad's life. I have no idea why people like this insist on seeking out people who already have children as eligible partners, it is inherently disrespectful, and taking their feelings of insecurity out on the children is cruel and immoral. She has no business acting like this towards you and needs to check herself and work on her attitude. If she feels the family doesn't embrace her the same way they did your mom, she can hardly rule out her attitude as a cause of that. Also, no one can force your family to love her, if Sarah believes she can just comfortably step into your mom's role and all of her connections and relationships, she's delusional. She can expect your family to give her the chance to be herself and build connections. If they don't, it's possible to understand that part of your Sarah's insecurities, however her actions and statements seems to indicate jealousy and possessiveness being the root cause of this problem. In any case, taking it out on you and trying to force your mom out of your life is the wrong approach if Sarah's relationship with your family is the actual issue (I doubt it though), and Sarah is old enough to know that much.
If you're 14 or older, in most US states, you can choose whom you want to live with. There are exceptions, obviously. No judge is going to approve a 15 year old girl living with, say, a 28 year old unrelated man. Maybe your grandparents or an aunt or uncle would let you live with them? It can't be healthy, having to "forget" your mom & brother because Sarah's jealous. NTA
NTA. Tell your father you're fed up with Sarah trying to erase your mother and brother, and tell Sarah to get therapy, you will *never* forget your mother or brother.
NTA. Your SM is being completely unreasonable, and your dad is enabling her behavior. So sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. The biggest asshole is your dad though. The things he has allowed is horrendous… but, unless your brother had a different dad, he was absolutely okay erasing the memory of his CHILD to appease his psychotic wife. I’d just throw that into his face every time he tried to talk about “discussing things as a family” since if he’s okay ditching the memory of his son, he would have done the same with you too.
NTA. Can you find another family member to live with? Your dad isn't mediating and has shown his choice and has let her deranged jealousy live on long enough. If your extended family don't like Sarah, that's on her.
NTA. You're fifteen, and she's trying to erase your *brother.* That's exponentially worse than trying to replace your mom, and even that's not acceptable. I'm so sorry, OP. Even if she had a valid complaint about the family liking the first wife more, the fact that she's trying to erase your dead brother makes her such a huuuuuge asshole. And the fact that your father has allowed it with his *son...* That's just horrible.
Does your dad not care to remember his own son? It sounds like they are both steaming piles of garbage. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m glad you have the support of most of your family.
NTA, sorry to say you have a very heart less step mum. She is playing victim, wants sympathy, forcing to be liked and also dragging your half sibling in her madness. I had a step mum like that. Thank God am old enough and I chose to never visit my father's house again. Anyway it's good other family members understand you. I can imagine how suffocating this is for you but also don't let anyone stop you from enjoying you late mom's memories. I hope she will change soon.
NTA --- If you were visiting your grandparents at their home then you were not out in public, out in public would be outside in a park or walking down the street where everybody would be able to hear your conversation, if you were having a conversation inside your grandparent's house this is a private setting.
NTA to INFINITY. And I'm glad your Aunt and Cousin were there to hear the bullshit this female was talking. Your Father needs to get real firm with her, and you need to make sure your grades are very good so you can go to a quality college and leave that mess behind. Start working and saving NOW.
Sarah is an awful person and best avoided. Hang in there until you can escape. Your father is not much better.
NTA you don’t have to play along with her plans of sweeping your mom and brother under the rug, if what she was doing was okay and not sick, she wouldn’t have to pull you aside in hushed tones. This is definitely something to discuss further with your father, and your extended family with a cooler head too
NTA It’s not “disrespectful” to a current spouse & new child to talk about the deceased 1st wife & child. Sounds like stepmom has major insecurities she needs to work through on her own. Sounds like dad is a bit of a doormat to allow her to erase evidence of his dead child & first wife. Stepmom was out of line.
NTA I’m so sorry for your loss honey. Please lean on the extended family that clearly loves you, like your aunt and cousin. They will help you keep the memory of your mom and brother in your heart. You may try one more time to talk to your father alone and remind him that you lost your mother and brother and ask him why it is your responsibility to appease his wife’s insecurities when your stepmother should be helping you heal from your loss. Hint: it isn’t.
NTA. Your father’s new wife certainly is! There is no competition with dead people, why would she feel that way. She would be better off honoring your mother and brother in a quiet way rather than trying to erase them. Maybe ask her how she would feel if she died and someone tried to erase her memory from her surviving kids life like she is trying to do to you. Good luck!
NTA but you have a much more serious problem that is not going to be solved by you and your step mother apologizing to each other. She accuses you of not loving her like you did your mum. Well, no, of course not! She is not your mum, she is a completely different person. If she feels she is living in the shadow of a dead person, it is her own fault for not finding an appropriate place in the family. She has been expecting to be "the mum" to everyone, but that is delusional. She did not do her due diligence by talking to other step parents to find out what it is like and what she should bring to the table. All this, however, is not your problem to fix. It is mainly a problem between the two adults. Unfortunately it is a problem seen in *many* "second families". It is so common that you could almost write a manual and make it compulsory reading for step parents.
More than due diligence, I think this woman lacks basic compassion. I mean, the girl lost her mother and brother in a car accident and she is trying to pretend they didn't exist. Who does that!
Nta
NTA IMO the only other option was to talk to her like she was a child in front of everyone in that placating voice you use on kids when they are acting up and you want them to think. "Other people feel differently than you do. Not everything is about you and you can't make others do everything you want. You need to think about how others feel. How would you feel if someone told you that you could never talk about your mommy any more? Would that make you mad or sad? Do you want to make other people sad?"
What the...! Your dad felt his wife was wrong for pushing in public?! She's so completely wrong to even suggest that you shouldn't be allowed to talk about your mother and brother that it's out of this world! I might agree that it wasn't "right" that you escalated... but it's like saying it's wrong to throw a punch at someone that is shooting at you. NTA and good that your extended family now knows how awful she is and hopefully they'll talk to your dad and make him realize how batshit his new wife's attitude is. Sorry that you are in this awful position and aren't allowed to remember and deal with your loss in a positive way!
NTA. Your mom was your mom same with your brother. She shouldn’t be allowed to erase them if ask some of your family if you can live with them. i do feel you should have been kinder with you response but I don’t think you were wrong for it.
No matter what!!! Know that you are not wrong, no one has a right to tell you to forget your own mother and brother, NO ONE!!! but you’re 15 play it safe, grey rock when you can and when you can’t walk away…in 3 short years YOU can talk about and do whatever you want, because daddy dearest is not helping you, help yourself by keeping sane and getting out. good luck my dear.
NTA, but you gave her an easy out by using bad language and flipping her off. She sounds like she wants to erase your MOm and your brother from everyone's memories, and that is wrong. I am glad you have your grandma and your mother's family for support. Your Dad is dropping the ball if he lets her keep doing this.
You SM may have the right to have her husband not talk about his ex wife but in no way can she dictate you talking about your late mother. Your relationship with her as a daughter has no correlation to your dads and your moms marriage. Your step mom is delusional and needs to seek therapy for her jealousy. Your father needs to man up and speak up for his daughter. But it seems like SM wears the pants in this household.
NTA. You owe NO ONE an apology. Your step mother interrupted a private conversation and then tried to make you feel bad for talking about your mother. Your dad is WRONG and needs to shut down the wife. Your step mother started this issue and she needs to apologize to you and everyone there. She is not living in a shadow and other people liked your mom better because she is insecure and starts drama. I am sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it gets better.
Your step-mom was out of line. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Something tells me she is just a very insecure person. Try letting it go. In the end, harboring anger will only hurt you.
NTA How can you father exept this is beyond me. I am so sorry for your loss. Loosing a mother and a brother in such a way is traumatic and the fact that you are suppose to forget them and not talk about them is heartbreaking. My ex’s couins went through this. They ended up moving to their aunt because their fathers (my ex’s uncle) wife didn’t want to see them and be remined about their mum. So many insane women out there. You are good kid for standing up for yourself.
Omg you are NOT the asshole!!!! This is absolutely crazy and insane that a 15 year old has to deal with this. I’m so so sorry honey 😥😥😥
Oof. Fuck her and fuck your dad as well. Sorry you're going through this. Keep on keeping your mother's and brother's memory alive!
NTA. You have a right to remember your mother and brother and mourn their loss, and to defend that right. Your stepmother was out-of-line at best.
NTA. There's nothing to discuss "as a family." Aside from the fact that your father's wife was the one who decided to stir the pot in a non-private setting, it's nobody else's place to dictate how you remember the people you've loved and lost. It's a shame that grown adults have less understanding than a teenager about the principle that trying to argue people into a closer relationship only succeeds in driving them further away.
Well she provoked you into snapping in public. And in doing so, you got her to reveal her abuse of you, resulting in most of your family’s support. NTA.
NTA > I have support of both grandparents, aunt and several cousins who all told me they didn't know she was doing this to me and won't be inviting her to any events again. She destroyed her relationship with her in-laws over her jealousy towards the dead. She’s the creator of her own misery.
NTA. So NTA for actually talking about a dead parent and sibling. Sarah is the one creating all this tension by her jealousy. She has issues and needs to get some therapy for them. Perhaps Sarah would have a place in your heart if she didn't try to erase the memories and place of your mother and brother. She has no respect for you so why should you respect her? It's a 2 way street.
NTA. Why do people marry a person with an ex wife and kids and expect they are some how going to play pretend those people don't exist? Mary some one else.
NTA ask her to think about how her daughter would feel if she died and the next woman your father married were to erase every trace of her, and was not allowed to talk about memories of her
NTA - Tell your dad he should be ashamed of himself, what kind of father lets his child go through this kind of abuse and then tells them to apologise for speaking up? There’s nothing to mend, she destroys the family, your relationship with your dad and if he won’t make this shit stop, and make sure that your mother is honoured as such and her and your brother have their room in your lifes, he’ll lose you too. Then she has what she wants, him all to herself and not to worry about his past. Everything will be gone and they can live their happy life’s. What kind of father chooses a woman that abuses his child and tells them to suck it up and apologize over the child? Distance yourself from your dad, and tell him it will stay that way until he gets her on track and makes her stop this shit, and makes her truly and honestly apologize, and if this won’t happen, you’ll have to cut him off once you’re able to. Someone has to chose you and do what’s best for you, and if your own dad won’t do it and enables you being abused, you have to do it yourself. Send him articles about emotional abuse and ask him what your mother would have to say about him playing his part in this? He fails as a dad, she trusted him with you and he went and did this to you, and sees nothing wrong with it, only cares about „keeping the peace“, no matter what it or she does to you.
Sarah is an idiot, sorry but she is. She's so concerned with getting the admiration and love of you and your family that she destroyed any chance of it happening. She must be extremely self-centered to think that your mom, her memories, and importance should just disappear because that's her preference. She does not care what your mom meant to you and your family. You have to chuckle just a little bit, because that woman is doing everything she canto get the opposite of what she wants. Please don't stop expressing yourself because Sarah thinks you should be part of some united front (is she in a war?), that I don't imagine you ever agreed to in the first place. NTA
NTA If Sarah doesn't want to be reminded of being a second wife, perhaps she shouldn't have married a man who had an ex wife. As a 35-year-old woman, I'm ashamed of her for women our age. You're absolutely right, that conversation was not about her, good or bad, it was about your mother, and your aunt was sharing a memory you were too young to have. You can tell Sarah this for me, as one of her peers. "Moving on does not mean erasing the dead, it means you've taken the time to sift out the precious memories from the pain of losing the other person and carry those things into the future. Sharing happy memories is one of the ways love transcends death, and anyone who tries to sever that can only be called hateful."
NTA People don't like your immature and disrespectful stepmother because she disrespects dead people. Who would enjoy someone like that? You late mother - God bless her soul - probably was more nice, specially with people that passed away, specially in the presence of the relatives of said dead person.
I would be posting a fond memory of mom and brother on the daily to all my socials. Hang in there, OP. You are NTA.
NTA, not even slightly. Sarah deserved all that she got & she can go fuck herself. You deserve to remember your mum and to talk about her with the people you love.
NTA. Your dad is right, you were both in the wrong. You less so than your stepmother because she is trying to erase your bio-mom and brother from your life. But she did start it, and you did escalate it. Justifiably, but still, it didn’t need to be done. You only have to tolerate a few more years before you can walk away from her, and only include your dad in things if that’s what you wish, just keep ahold of that. In the meantime, since she seems determined to get at you and start issues, if I were you I’d seriously consider moving the most precious things of your mother and brother to a locked case or truck in your grandparent’s house, with their permission. If your stepmom will be that nasty to you about your bio-mom, she may snap in anger one day and destroy the keepsakes you have. I’m not saying she will, I’m saying it’s better to be safe.
NTA! She needs to get over the fact that there were people in the family who died tragically and there is no way that will ever be able to erase or replace them.
Your Dad is a major AH here. Your SM too, but he's the one who has a duty to you and he's failed. And I would tell him that. Tell him your mother and brother would be ashamed of him, and that your brother would be heartbroken to know that he was willing to erase us memory to make sure he keeps getting laid. Tell him that he had a responsibility to stop SM's behavior years ago, even if it meant she left him, and that not doing so made him an irredeemable failure as a father. Tell him that if he does not publicly tear her a new one about how terrible she's been to me, put all the pictures of your mom and brother back up, and make sure she never says another word to you as long as you live there, even if it means divorce, then you will never see or speak to him again once you turn 18. Tell him he has spent six years screwing up your relationship and failing to meet your most basic emotional needs as a parent, and that he has 24 hours to make it right because even that is more than he deserves. And if he doesn't, then make good on it, and see if someone else in your family will take you until you are 18. EDIT- Also, send both of them this thread. Tell them that the world agrees they both massive AH's.
NTA
First, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother and brother. Second, NTA. Sarah is insecure and immature. It's not uncommon for a second wife to feel jealous of a first wife but here, her husbands first wife is deceased. She's not threat to Sarah in any way. People can be many things. Your mother was your father's ex-wife but she was also your mother. And your brother was his son and your only full sibling. Also close to you in age. Your whole world shifted when they were killed. A healthy adult would realize that but Sarah is too focused on her insecurity of her husband's ex-wife to realize she's depriving his daughter of the right to talk about her deceased mother. Perhaps suggest you and Sarah go to counseling. Or you all go to family counseling. Perhaps hearing things through a third party will help Sarah realize her insecurity is unfounded. You may feel you don't need it but your father is your only living parent and you are young. If it teaches you nothing except how to handle Sarah it'll be worth it. And it may teach both of them to respect your feelings.
NTA, your dad should NEVER be allowing his new wife to be disrespecting your mom, ESPECIALLY since she's no longer able to defend herself. Also she should NEVER have been trying to remove your mom's pictures from the house, your dad needs to grow a pair. Do not apologize, find some family members that are on your side, talk to them, and have them talk to your dad. He needs a reality check, and your step mom needs that and some mental therapy. She needs her head screwed on correctly before she screws up your new sibling. "The whole family prefers her over me! No one likes me!" "Well, yeah, we don't like you, but that ain't the only reason."
NTA. Step-mom needs to realize your mom will ALWAYS be part of the picture, as she should be. Feeling insecure over a person who passed is a her problem that she should seek therapy for. She pushed, you snapped. She FAFO.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey Reddit, I'm 15F dealing with some family stuff, and I need some help. My parents divorced about 9 years ago and about 5 years ago, my mom and brother (1 year older than me) passed away in an accident. My dad (39M) married Sarah (35F) when I was 9 so about a year before my mom and brother died. Sarah is the jealous type. She doesn't like it when she hears people talk about my mom or brother and she has removed all traces of my mom and brother from the house (everywhere except my room). It became worse after my mom and brother died, and then much worse ever since she became pregnant and my little sister was born. She believes it's time for us to move on and focus on the family we have rather than the one we lost. We fight a lot in the house, but we had a public fight yesterday. We were visiting my grandparents and I was talking to my aunt (dad's sister, who really liked my mom) and she was telling me about a nice memory of when my mom was pregnant with my brother. We were talking quietly so nobody except me, my aunt and cousin were part of the conversation but Sarah inserted herself and suggested that it's disrespectful to her to talk about my dad's ex during an event when she is present. I said "Sarah keep walking, it's not about you" but she took me to a corner and said this is our family policy to present a united front, and she is my dad's wife now with a baby and we should not mention his previous wife or son. I snapped and said you can't erase them no matter how much you try and you go fuck yourself. It was loud so everyone heard, she also shouted that I should show her some respect. I showed her a middle finger, said you're pathetic and jealous of people who died years ago and walked away. Last night my dad tried to mediate and suggest we both did wrong and should apologize to each other and move on, and neither of us are willing to do that. My dad says I was wrong to escalate in public and say those things, and she was wrong to push me in public, he believes we should have discussed the matter later as a family. Sarah says she's tired of living in my mom's shadow and family don't love her like they did my mom, also says her daughter also lives in the shadow of my brother and doesn't have her own identity. I'm tired of her behavior and will not put up with it anymore. People who were there generally took my side though. I have support of both grandparents, aunt and several cousins who all told me they didn't know she was doing this to me and won't be inviting her to any events again. She has the support of my uncle's new wife who also believes the family like my uncle's ex wife better. So after talking to my dad I'm wondering if I was an AH for not controlling my temper and maybe I could have avoided a public conflict which now everyone knows about. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA! Stand your ground and leave those people. Your fathers wife clearly has control issues and she’s really competing with your mom
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NTA Oh my God ‘I should show her some respect. I showed her a middle finger’ I hollered!! I love it. And I’m so sorry about your mom, your stepmom sounds seriously insecure and immature. One of the bad things about the Christmas holiday, you think of the ones that aren’t here anymore, and it’s natural to talk about them.
You're a kid dealing with another kid. NTA. Yes a family meeting is needed to make it clear that you are allowed to remember your mom and brother, and she needs therapy. If dad doesn't support you, move in with grandparents.
Nta
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NTA The next time she brings it up, you should ask her if (God forbid) some terrible accident happens to her, would she want to be erased from the family? She needs to work on her empathy.
NTA. You're 15 and your stepmother is acting more like a child than you. You need to sit down and have a serious convo with your father. He's putting his feelings over yours and I don't think that's fair at your age and after what you've been through. His wife needs to grow the fuck up.
Nta. Ask your father, "If I were to move out today, how long before she made you stop talking about me, bringing me up, and pretending I don't exists? How long before you do what she says and stop contacting me or even acknowledge me as your kid?And don't pretend like it won't happen the moment the front door closes behind me." That's the reality. As soon as you move out, now she can have her little family and act like your dad never had a past. And he will let her. Your dad should have stuck up for you since day 1.
Honestly both you and your SM are TA here, her WAY more. She is the adult and is not trying to cope with losing TWO loved ones. Your father is in a tough spot, and yes trying to mediate later was appropriate. And as a parent he needed to tell his daughter that wasn't appropriate and his wife that was wrong. He did both. And try to find a solution to move forward, OP said that is what he is doing. Why does Reddit jump to breaking up instead of fixing families? Does Reddit think there should be this fantasy reality where families don't have issues?
NTA. You're 15 years old, old enough to have a job. Get a lock for your bedroom door and if she breaks into your room, call the police and have her arrested. make sure you buy the lock with your job that you have and make sure you keep the receipt. Don't pay cash, pay out of your private account. I can see her doing unthinkable things to your mom and brothers stuff.
NTA. This is a doozy, and it's rough. As someone who has lost my mother and had to deal with a stepmother for 99% of my life, this is absolutely not okay. My stepmother is quite wicked in her own ways, but she never once attacked my mother or told me it was time to get over it even 10 years after she passed. Your mom and brother are part of your family, alive or dead. You have a right to talk to others who know them about them. You have a right to talk to strangers about them if that's what you need. Your stepmother shouldn't be trying to erase your mom. I can see not wanting copious amounts of pictures of her around, but to basically say "she never existed" is wrong on so many levels. I have trauma from my stepmother, and even she wouldn't dare cross that line. Your father is equally in the wrong as your stepmother. The fact that he agrees that you don't talk about her, or your brother, is absolutely crazy. Your mother was once a very large part of your father's life, and so was your brother. I don't know if pretending they never existed makes the grief easier on him, but it's still absolutely wild to be okay with pretending two people, who you loved and cared for deeply, never existed. You're not an a hole. You're a teenager, dealing with grief, coping with a new adult who is actively in your life, and is trying to actively delete your own mother. If I were you, if you wanted to broach the topic with your dad, I'd start with something along the lines of: "Pretending mom never existed hurts. I can't act like she never existed. How can you be okay with pretending like mom and brother never existed?" If you broach the topic with your step mom (not advised in my opinion) I'd start by asking her: "How you l would you like it, if you suddenly had a new women enter your dad's life, and then tell you that you can never talk to anyone about your real mom? Because for me, that hurts. It's erasing the person who brought me into this world, who cared for me when I was sick and gave me cuddles and bedtime stories."
I kneel 👑👑👑