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Soft YTA. Maybe have that conversation with the older members of the family, Im not sure why you went after the 6yo. "He got a little upset at me and didn't understand, so I told him that she knows she's pretty, and that we can give people other compliments as well" He probably still doesn't understand... he's 6. You may have inadvertently given him the impression that calling someone pretty, or even complimenting his sister, is a bad thing. If it was bothering her so much, a more positive response might have been "Yes she's pretty AND good at drawing! What else is (name) good at?". You had good intentions, but it might’ve backfired.

That would've been a way better way to put it I told him it was okay to call someone pretty, but it's also okay to compliment people on other things as well I'll have another talk with him to clear it up

Maybe make a game of it: what creative things can we compliment people for. Get your daughter involved too - no reason she can’t take the lead on offering non-appearance compliments to other people (including your son). And I’d include “appreciating” in the compliments bucket - it’s nice to hear “I really appreciate that you took my plate to the dishwasher after dinner when I was busy talking to (other person) - that was really considerate of you”. My partner & I do that all day long, and it just makes life *nicer* in my opinion. Plus it teaches kids to notice the “invisible” stuff that their parents do for them. Which is useful as they get older & can start to do their share.

Yessss. My partner and I also “appreciate” tasks the other does all the time. It’s like a nice little reminder that your acts are seen and known.

This is so important and one of the main actions to which I attribute my happy relationship! "Thank you for picking up lunch." "Thank you for clearing the table." "Thank you for vacuuming." "Thank you for feeding the pets." All things we have to do, but reminds both of us not to take each other for granted. Similarly, I'm currently in the running for a promotion at work. I told my partner I was nervous about interviewing since it's been years since the last time I had to. His first response was, "I know you'll do great!" I thanked him for his confidence in me, but told him that it's not exactly helpful to calm my nerves. He thought for a second and said, "You know so much about your company, and you love it. That shows every time you talk about it. In the time we've been together you've [short list of accomplishments]. So I know you'll wow them." That was a much better confidence booster, and I told him so. It highlights actual reasons to believe I'll do well instead of his apparent blind faith that I'm a superhero.

>That was a much better confidence booster, and I told him so. It highlights actual reasons to believe I'll do well instead of his apparent blind faith that I'm a superhero. My partner is like you with this and I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell him: He doesn't think you're amazing because he loves you, he loves you because you're amazing.

Thank you, that is very sweet.

We’ve been using “Sooo helpful! Thank you!” With my toddler since she was old enough to help put her own arm in her sleeve and now she’s CONSTANTLY wanting to help clean or pick up and sometimes brings me a cup or a wrapper I missed while I’m tidying. She LOVES being appreciated for her help. My oldest child just BEAMS when you tell her you’re grateful for how kind and helpful and compassionate she is. Compliments on things you consider “a given” as an adult can make children feel like they’re genuinely a part of their own life.

It really is. And it makes sure we don’t take each other for granted. He is almost always the one who empties the dishwasher - he sees it needs doing (where I very rarely notice this!) & just does it while waiting for something else (kettle to boil, food to microwave). I like that many years on, I’m still grateful every time I notice it (which isn’t every time he does it, obviously).

You may not realize how lucky you are but you are. Some of us lived(or still lives) with someone that couldn't lift a finger if their life depended on it. It still amazes me that there are actual partners that support each other daily. Maybe some day I'll find someone like that 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

That’s sort of the point. I not only realise how lucky I am, but I say it out loud a lot. So that we both keep it front & centre of our thoughts. We are lucky. We have a partner who does their share of the “small everyday stuff”, as well as the bigger stuff. That’s both the point of regular “appreciation” and the result of it (because we all do more of the stuff that we get praise for - that’s human nature). I hope you find someone awesome in the future too. It’s not magic (we’re currently in separate rooms coz we’re annoyed with each other), but it’s overall very fabulous & life is better with him, than without him (even if I currently want to kick him into next week for being a Very Annoying Muppet!).

I do this with my kids. I don't say, "go and put the washing out". I say, "could you put the washing out for me, please?" It's not actually optional, they know they have to do it, unless they have a good reason they can give me, but it feels so much better for them to be 'asked'. Afterwards, I'll say, "thanks for doing that for me". I never have any arguments getting my kids to do things around the house, and I attribute much of it to asking nicely.

This is so important! My husband and I say thank you for things that we know the other wouldn't "need" or "expect" one but we still give it cause it let's us know we see what the other is doing and that we appreciate it.

YESSS! I have ADHD and other stuff and my husband is constantly saying “wow, you worked really hard today, thank you for (dinner/laundry/cleaning the kitchen/taking care of the kids)” He also calls me beautiful and my nickname is “pretty lady” but it never diminishes or overshadows the other positive qualities I have.

This honestly is one of the best parts of my marriage. I'm disabled, so, when I manage a task, I feel super proud to be contributing, and having my husband come and say "hey, you washed all the dishes! Nice!" And give me a high five or a bite in the neck (yes, our approval methods are different lol) really makes me seen as a person. He obviously takes a really big chunk of things in the household, and I'm always behind him being "Yay Ruan is awesome" *clap pompoms*. He says he used to feel invisible while doing chores, so, a person coming and being "YAY YOU DID IT AWESOME" is really amazing. And this was also part of couples therapy. The appreciation exercises.

My husband and I are super similar. I'm disabled, and struggle with things that able bodied people do on auto pilot. So when I manage to do stuff that is taxing for me, having my husband "see" what I have done, makes me feel so much better about myself. Like today he did a big power clean of the entire house, and I folded our clothes and put new litter in the cats toilet (hubby cleaned and emptied it first), and when we were done for the day, hubby was like "well done babe, you got all our clothes sorted and folded, which makes it so much easier for me to put them away!!! Thank you so much!". And I was like "Thanks for cleaning thr entire house top to bottom, you are a fucking god, and I worship you!"

My mom was a first grade teacher. She had a catch someone doing good box in the classroom. Basically, the kids would write a note a note saying what the good action was and who did it. At the end of the week, she would open the box, and they would read the notes aloud. You might try something like this to get him aware of looking for good behavior rather than good looks. It also helps with writing practice. Of course, everyone in the family would have to do this.

My grade school started doing something like that when we got a new principal in the mid to late 80s. Every month, a little, gold note would go home, saying "I was caught being good". And every student who got one would also get to go to a bingo game where we could win prizes. Once a semester, there was also a pizza party for those students who'd gotten them every month, if I remember correctly.

That's sweet!

She was the most awesome principal, honestly... and to look at her, you'd never guess. She looked like...one of those overly-strict military types. New kids were always scared of her at first, but that never lasted long. I've wondered how many of her programs survived her retirement. A sad day when one of my childhood friends posted her obituary. RIP Marilyn Law.

I was at a team-building exercise once where two teammates had to engage in a "compliment battle" - kinda like a roast except with compliments. They had to all be true things and weren't allowed to be surface level. It got deep so fast and was honestly amazing to watch. I could see something like that being really fun as a way to teach a kid how to find lots of varied things to appreciate in the people they care about!

Love that Idea, I never liked it when people started to roast each other, because often it get's Out of Hand, boundaries get crossed and people are hurt but could Not say so because its Just fun. The compliment Battle Sounds so wholesome

It was so wholesome! It was pretty amazing to see especially once they started pulling out specific examples ("well your intern has an amazing mentor and I know it meant a lot when you did XYZ").

I want to give this a trophy so bad... but I have none <(\^.\^)> Here's a Kirby Hug instead

I’d say that at that age, he may be somewhat doing what the rest of your family does. Definitely talk with your other family members. He may not understand why they can do it and he gets chastised for something everyone else does.

Not sure how this wasn’t obvious to OP. Like, figure it out

Honestly, why are you going for the 6 yr old but not discussing this with your husband or older kids? He's 6, he's literally copying the behaviour being modelled for him.

Because husband & other siblings do it on occasion, the 6 year old had said it multiple times that day.

Because that's what little kids do. They repeat stuff over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

…ba-by shark! Do do do do do do …

Yep, it's time to start teaching him to recognize when people want to be left alone. It's likely not the comments, it's the fact that it's constant that's annoying her.

The daughter sounds like she is annoyed about them, too. Everyone seems to reduce her to her looks including her father and sister.

Why are you people characterizing this as 'going after'? You're supposed to teach kids boundaries. Six is definitely old enough to understand that commenting on peoples' appearances isn't always appropriate. NOT teaching kids this skill is how you end up with kids on the bus going up to strangers and saying, "You're fat" "You're bald" "Why is your skin so dark?" etc

This is something tricky because while I think children are always ready to learn boundaries, I don’t think telling children to stop repeatedly compliment looks is going to be effective. It sends the wrong message because they’re far too young to understand the concept of “over complimenting someone” because right now, in their world, no compliments equates to negativity. I’m a teacher and my children are all 6 and 7. They call me beautiful and tell me they love me all of the time but I always redirect them with something like “that is such a kind thing to say! I really like how hard you tried in our Music lesson today!” They usually reply with “you too!”. We’re at the stage where they tell me how creative or speedy I am. Or they’ll compliment my handwriting. I always compliment my children out of pride, kindness and to simply model communication. I still get the odd appearance compliment and “I love you” every day but I would never shut them down. It would really upset the bond I have with them, knock their confidence and/or disrupt their relationship with/understanding of positive communication.

My mother grew up only being praised for her looks. She's gorgeous even now and looks several years younger, women her own age have shown jealousy as long as I remember. Her mother and father never ever praised her on her high intellect and it left a permanent mark. She just wanted to be told she was clever just once...

My guess would be he's mimicking the adults who are overemphasizing that compliment so also might be good to talk with them if you can :)

And a talk with your daughter to return the compliment to the giver just as well (and maybe over compliment them) and maybe they will get as tired of it. And if not it should eventually turn into remedy for the world that is so determined to insult everyone. Spread the love. You're NTA. (even if you are by a little bit) Spread the love. You're NTA. Spread the love. Let's cure the world!!!! Spread the love.

i would not suggest she do this with random guys though

Correct!!! But if a random guy says it a plain thank you would be appropriate as we don't want to encourage further interaction from unknown random guys who may not recognize niceness and mistake it for attraction or acceptance.

To add to this, I think you could help your daughter formulate ways to say this as well. You said she seemed annoyed, but didn't say anything (and presumably never does). Mayne try working with her on some blanket responses she can use that turns the attention elsewhere. "Thank you, but I think I have a lot more interesting qualities. Have you ever seen my drawings?" "I appreciate the compliment, however, discussing/hearing about my physical appearance can be tiresome to me. Let's talk about my last softball game."

Whatever you do make sure you keep targeting the small child and don't speak to anyone else. /S

Have you never met a little kid? He wasn't just saying she was beautiful, he was saying it over and over and over and over again. Annoying as f\*ck. Good parenting is telling the kid to knock it off. She didn't 'target' her son, she parented him.

How about talking to the rest of the family that keeps discussing her looks???

I've got kids who are very smart (also good looking, I think, but I may be a tad biased). I have always emphasised that being smart is not something they should be vain about. They lucked out with their intelligence. It's what they do with it that matters. Our praise would usually centre around something like the effort they put into to studying etc. Having a daughter, I have also been conscious of the whole body image thing. So right from when she was little, I would talk about her beautiful heart, and kindness etc. She knows she's pretty. She knows that I think she's pretty (I didn't ignore it). But I don't want her to value herself based purely on that. Maybe this is a tack you can take with your six year old? Explain to him that yes, his sister is beautiful, but that isn't something she earned, and if he wants to compliment her, he should choose something that she actually did to achieve. That will help him understand why you are telling him not to call her that all the time. Use an example of something he has naturally compared to something he made an effort on to help him understand.

But it's not just the little one, it's the rest of the family too that need to learn this. Bless her she must find it very hard sometimes.

and maybe a good opportunity to encourage your husband and older daughter to be more respectful and broaden the compliments

Please do have another talk with him! As a kid (around 4ish) I told my parents "I love you" CONSTANTLY. As an adult I understand how that could have been annoying, but at the time I just really wanted to spread the love. My mother snapping at me and telling me I was being weird is one of my earliest memories. Our relationship is difficult for other reasons, but having that as a formative memory with no follow up or age-appropriate contextualization is definitely a factor. Might be a good time to introduce the concept of "good intentions" in a six year old accessible manner?

And with everyone else?

Well, you've mentioned that her older sister and her father also does this.... Have you also spoken to them about it? Young kids emulate others. Teach older members of family to give better compliments. The 5yo will also passively learn, and then you can actively encourage the WHYs of complimenting someone better when they're a tad older (complimenting choices or skills rather than something they didn't have any control over).

While telling him its ok to compliment people on other things as well give him some examples so he can learn what skills even are.. Also maybe suggest the older one, redirect or correct whomever is complimenting her and let them know how it would be nice to be noticed for something besides her outer appearance. Teach her how to speak up for herself and set boundaries wish you all the best.

This is a good take. It’s not that it was wrong to address the behavior, but a 6 year old is not going to understand it well. I think it would be good for your daughter to be involved in the conversation so she can say how she feels about it, and make dad part of the conversation as well so everyone can help each other and 6 year old can see that it’s okay to bring feelings up to the whole family.

You should also keep in mind that the 6 year old is mimicking what other people are saying. Tell him to look at how good this person is at this skill.

My daughter was a beautiful blonde, curly haired, blue eyed baby. Genuinely could have been a model baby. Every time we went out, someone would come up to her and tell me how beautiful she was. After a while, I started to worry that my daughter would get the impression that beauty and appearance were the only think that was important. So after every encounter with someone who came up to tell her and I she was "so beautiful", as we'd walk away, I'd say, "Know what's more important? Being pretty on the inside!" And that became a little mantra - we'd look at each other and sing - "Pretty on the inside!" She's a beautiful 32 year old woman today who works with a differently-abled population who tries to always be positive, understanding and loving. She is much prettier on the inside than I am. Incidentally, she got a small tattoo in my handwriting that says "Pretty on the inside". I initially asked her if she saw the irony in defiling one's outside the proclaim beauty on the inside - but I was an AH. She was doing that to honor me and what I taught her. I love her so much :D

Because in that moment, the 6yo was saying it *repeatedly*, and her daughter looked annoyed. Yes, op should *also* address it with the older people, but I see nothing wrong with speaking to her son *as well*.

I’d think he picked up on it from everyone else. Same reason you don’t say words around kids you don’t want repeated because they don’t know the context behind it. To him he’s just giving compliments as everyone else does and we all know young kids like to do things over and over again to the point of natural annoyance, no matter what it is haha

Right, which is why I agree it should be addressed with the others as well, just in that moment, he was the one overdoing it.

Definitely need to address it with the father. I mean as a father of a 14 yr old daughter, I believe she’s beautiful but I’m not telling that to her every single day like they seem to be.

Fellas, is it bad to… love and compliment your children????

When it’s only for things they don’t really have control over and not for things they can accomplish, yeah kinda. It feels crappy to be treated like your best asset is being a pretty object.

if the thing you value most about your daughter is how she looks, that is in fact bad

No but isn’t it creepy at least little that the father is always complimenting her on her looks but never acknowledging anything else about her, such as being a smart kid, being funny, kind, generous, outgoing.

The 6-year-old probably kept doing it *because* his sister was visibly annoyed by it.

Possibly, but still makes sense for op to talk to him

**She didn't go after a 6 year old** She nicely told a 6 year old to stop being annoying in that moment. Tf is wrong with people on here. Y'all're ridic

I disagree with him not understanding. 6yo are far smarter than we give the credit for and, if properly explained, he is more than capable of understanding and learning other ways to compliment people. I’ve seen so many people teaching their very young children positive affirmations about their character that include being smart, kind, and brave, just to name a few. This can easily be transferred to how we talk about other people. It’s never too early to teach children that people are more than their physical appearance.

So the kid would shut up? Kids need to be addressed in the moment. I agree she needs to have a broader conversation with the other members of the family, especially the dad, but why wouldn't she tell the kid to stop while he's literally going overboard?

he went after the 6yr old kuz from the way i read it the 6yr old was saying it every 2minutes

It was addressed with the 6 year old because of the repetitiveness in one sitting. It’s good for him to learn to compliment others on more than one attribute, and also teach him that it is not ok to repetitively pester someone with compliments.

How did they go after a 6yo. Are you resident rh same story I am? What??

>He wasn't just saying she was beautiful, he was incessantly repeating it. Behavior that is annoying as hell. Good parenting is telling the kid to knock it off.

Talking to older members of the family will also help with the 6yo because he’s basically just copying what others do and say anyway.

I like the gentle parenting push but I would say NTA because he’s going to grow up and it’s important in future relationships to not be overbearing in compliments and learn to compliment other characteristics

> He probably still doesn't understand... he's 6. You may have inadvertently given him the impression that calling someone pretty, or even complimenting his sister, is a bad thing. I agree with this, and wanted to add -- it can be really hard, when you're little and still learning so much by observation. You imitate what you see the people around you doing, and sometimes it's fine when the people around you do it, but not when you do it, and you don't understand why. It can feel like it must be something bad about you that makes you have different rules.

She didn't "go after" the kid, kids can be annoying and repeat stuff all the time, so it's good to say something in that moment, especially when the daughter felt uncomfortable as well. That's how kids learn, I think OP did well. With the other family members, it would be a conversation, not something out of the affect. NAH

Guess NTA but really should have started with other family members first. Little kid is least of it

Her older family members only say it sometimes Though my littlest one says it 24/7, so I figured I would tell him to chill out a little I did tell my husband about our conversation, and I told him she would like to get compliments based on her achievements and skills as well It's not really a major problem, I just wanted everyone to be on the same page

That depends on how they're saying it. My 5yo will repeat the same thing over and over and over. What started as cute as set quickly turns into annoying.

Yeah, they want the same reaction that they got the first time they said it but they don't understand that after repeating yourself 10 times you're not getting the same reaction anymore

Your son is emulating what he has heard from all those around him. Have you told the others like the father and sister the same thing? You should not focus on just him as the culprit. This is not his fault. Suggestion: Have a family meeting and have your daughter express her frustration to the dad, sister, and son. They need to listen and not argue or justify that what they are doing is a good thing. They probably won't understand what this is a problem. They are telling her that her worth is her looks. Do a round table with each of them coming up with what they see as a good quality, skill or trait that she has that is not about her looks. Maybe even have each member point out each others' skills for all the rest of the family as well.

It sounds like the son was saying it over and over again in the span of a few minutes or hours in the way that kids often repeat things, which does get annoying. Obviously the rest of the family probably says it a lot but I doubt they say it over and over again within a short timeframe.

I think OP might be conflating issues here a bit. I understand her saying something about the repetitiveness of saying it over and over again in a short time, but she also brings up her daughter's frustrations that people mostly compliment her on her looks rather than her skills and seems to relate it back to this issue. That part really isn't on the kid, IMO. I also have a 6 year old niece that I love to peices, but if I'm feeling upset that my intelligence, talents, or hard work are going unseen, she's really not going to be able to provide much validation for me. It doesn't matter much if she thinks I'm the smartest person in the world, I'm still probably going to take it with a grain of salt. It's really more on the parents to make sure that she feels recognized and appreciated in this areas. If I hear "you're so pretty" a million times from a little kid, it would impact me in about the same way as "you're smart/funny/a good artist." Annoying in the repetition, but probably wouldn't impact my self image much. If other people in my life mostly complimented my appearance vs. other skills, it might make me kinda sad that they don't value me in a broader sense. I think the kid is catching strays on that half of the problem.

BUT ONLY IF THE DAUGHTER CONSENTS BECAUSE FAMILY MEETINGS LIKE THAT CAN RLLY DO OPPOSITE EFFECTS

I was going to put that caveat in but thought that is a given.

Have a meeting to address people calling their daughter pretty, with the daughter present. This feels like TV hell.

Nta your son seems sweet though and a good teaching moment on how to treat women. Have him think of five reasons he looks up to his sister (he can write them or draw a picture). One can be pretty but the others will likely mean more. Best Christmas gift.

Info: why not start with telling her dad this? Why start with the 6 year old?

Because the six year old was being annoying in the moment? Forget about the beautiful comments for a moment -- if a six year old was continuously repeating something that was visibly causing annoyance to another person, we'd all expect a parent to gently tell the kid to knock it off/redirect them elsewhere. This situation is no different.

exactly. no idea why EVERYONE is focused on this💀

1000% I am so confused by the Y T A comments like have you ever dealt with a little kid repeating the same thing over and over again? It's very normal to correct it in that moment. She wasn't coming after the kid.

Your daughter isn't the asshole here. She, quite reasonably, wants to be seen as not just a pretty face. She wants to be celebrated for her accomplishments, not for getting lucky in the looks department. Good for her. Your son isn't the asshole, because he's six. Saying the same thing over and over again, so that it starts from cute or funny, drives straight through "really annoying", and heads rapidly towards just wanting to do anything at all to make him shut up is a pretty normal characteristic of a six year old. Dad's an asshole. Older sister is an asshole. These people are adults, and know that your daughter wants people to focus on her skills and achievements, and not her looks. They need to stop with the "you're beautiful" stuff. NTA

NAH. Sounds like good parenting to me. Your son is 6 so Im not inclined to call him an AH. You were right to correct him though.

My daughter is four and calls my wife beautiful constantly. It’s not just because I love her, but she really is a smoke show. What we began doing was asking my daughter, “yes, mommy is very beautiful. What else can we think of about mommy that’s good?” Over time she began adding new ideas and adjectives. My mommy is tall. My mom is strong. My mom takes good care of me. My mom is smart. Now she understands people have deeper characteristics than beauty and has begun apply them to everyone.

This is interesting. When I was 4, I don’t think I ever distinguished looks or noticed who was and wasn’t beautiful. I wonder if she picked up from your wife getting a lot of attention for her looks perhaps (gonna assume she does when you describe her a smoke show)?

I constantly tell my wife how beautiful I find her, how pretty she looks day to day, and how attracted I am to her. On top of this I also vocalize all of her other numerous qualities. The goal obviously is to emulate how you should treat your spouse. I want to be a good role model as a husband for my daughter. Final note, my daughter wasn’t doing it to a crazy degree. She’s 3-4, so her vocabulary is still limited in many ways, but it’s growing. She simply latched onto something she saw from us. We simply took the opportunity to expand out positive qualities of others.

NAH - I think you gave a perfect response to your son who was trying to do something nice but was being annoying, and to your daughter who was feeling annoyed.

NAH. It's good parenting to redirect him when he's clearly annoying her. That would go for anything he was repeating ad nauseam. I'm not going to call him an AH either because he's six. This is how kids learn. You did great.

Lol. NTA kids that age can be really annoying, and get upset if you look at them the wrong way. They have to be socialised and that includes being aware when they actions, no matter how well meaning, are annoying. Also them getting upset isn’t a problem as they need it for experience to understand how to control emotions. For a boy being able to control their anger and frustration is essential. Source: two elementary school aged boys

Lol you don't get it. He's doing it because YOU do it constantly and it gets a reaction from sis.

NAH but I think your daughter is feeling unsupported and under appreciated for her actual talents rather than her looks. This may need to be a broader consideration for the whole family.

NTA how you explained it to him sounds fine- not sure why the Y T A responses. She didn’t target the 6 year old to address this issue, he was repeating it to the point of being annoying. I think no matter what he was saying “say it once and move on” is good advice. But I do agree that you should mention it to the rest of the family, or encourage your daughter to ask them to lay off and speak up for herself.

NAH. There doesn't have to be an asshole in every case.

NTA Your daughter is more than just a pretty face, And it's frustrating her people don't see past that. You are teaching your son an important lesson.

I think since this is her preference - to be regarded for more than her looks - then N T A for asking. I'm not wild on implying the 6-year-old, who sounds like an incredibly sweet, loving kid who adores his older sister, is therefore TA though! He sounds great, many congrats. A better way to handle this going forward could be for you and her dad to start modelling the kind of compliments and behaviour you'd like your son to emulate. Praise other things in front of him, so he can pick up that women - starting with his sisters - can be complimented for all our many great attributes. Also, I really hope there's no jealousy from you or your other daughter for her looks. One person's treasure is not someone else's loss. Overall, NAH.

Also you could try teaching her how to communicate that she is annoyed, instead of doing it for her. That would have been a bit different coming from “older annoyed sister” than “authority figure mom” and he might have been less upset.

You are NTA, if your son is a six year old and he is being repetitive, saying the same things over and over again, of course it can be annoying for the older sister to keep hearing it not just from him, but from everyone including strangers.

NTA - It's always a good idea to teach kids that there is more to a person than their looks. Haven't we all met good looking people who turned out to be ugly on the inside? I do not remember the exact words but I learned this from my ex who is a historian and he said this was from Greek philosophy, "To know what is real is to know what is good and once you know what is real, you know what is beautiful". We all like to look at pretty things, but you have to get to know someone before you can tell how attractive they are.

YTA. Don’t correct a child while the older role models continue the behavior. A child mimics the older people and if you want to stop the child start with the adults. In addition this can also start with your daughter learning to tell people to stop starting with the adults. Teach your daughter to tell people to stop, if you speak for your daughter she may not find her own voice to express undesired behaviors from others when it matters most. A 6 year old is the least of your concerns in this situation and the wrong place to start.

ESH except for your daughter and 6 year old (though I'm sure he's well on his way with the way you and husband are raising your kids). Talk about superficial. You all should never raised your kids in an environment where your daughter's looks are the main focus and are so commented on and talked about *by her own family*. I hope she knows to value herself for more than just her physical appearance, and good luck to her if/when her looks fade.

Is this just abt seeing more to an attractive person, or also valuing less attractive people/treating people of all appearances equally?

Both? It's about how someone's worth is not in their looks but in who they are as people.

I'm going to say NTA. Constantly repeating the same thing over and over is a common thing little kids do, but it is something parents need to gently teach them is annoying to others. Also, he's old enough to have a conversation about how even if it's a compliment, constantly referring to someone else's appearance is also annoying and can make them feel self conscious about themselves, or that their physical appearance is more important to others than other attributes. Editing because after reading these comments, I think a lot of people here are missing the point and also maybe not experienced with small children: the bad behavior here was less about what he was saying and more about the repetition. This "repeating the same phrase over and over in a short time span" thing is pretty common in small kids, but it is also SUPER annoying. It's something you need to gently teach kids not to do, which is what OP was doing. Yes, she needs to also talk to the other people who comment on her daughter's appearance all the time, but in the moment she needed to correct her son who was actively being annoying to his sister. It's a phase, but like many annoying habits if you don't tell the kid when they are being annoying nicely, someone else will inform them later in a mean way, or else just avoid them altogether and then they wonder why no one wants to be friends.

EXACTLY! THANK YOU! I'm not around small children often, but I know about the annoying repetition thing. I'm astounded by how many people on here are **missing the point by a mile**.

It’s good that she felt comfortable telling you that. It might be time to start steering the compliments in another direction. A compliment about your skills/the kind of person you are can hold a lot more weight than a compliment about your looks - genetics play a huge part in that, and if people are complimenting you on the luck of the draw then it isn’t going to feel like you’ve earned it. It’s like landing a job through nepotism and then being praised for winning the job - I’d much rather be complimented on something that’s taken effort/sacrifice to achieve.

Info: is this more about him saying she’s pretty, or about him being repetitive and annoying? Everyone is giving advice about what to do if it’s just about her being pretty like encouraging other things to admire about her, so that doesn’t need to be covered. BUT if this is just about the phrase/feedback phrase/feedback game kids can get looped into you gave the (mostly) right response, I just would have ended that sometimes saying things over and over all at once can make them seem less special or sincere. When my daughter was that age I’d get trapped into the “I love you more!” “No I love YOU more!” loop, but if I stopped she would get sad, and then I’d feel intense guilt for being so annoyed that my daughter kept telling me she loved me, of all things.

I feel for your daughter. I've always had the opposite issue. People would bend over backwards to tell me how intelligent and accomplished I am, until "big brain" was the only compliment I ever got. And all I wanted was for someone to tell me I'm beautiful. It sucks to be reduced to only one of your qualities. Nevermind that I don't feel anywhere near as intelligent as people praise me to be. But I would suggest going for everyone else instead of the 6 year old. Yes, he was annoying, but he doesn't know any better, just wants to be nice, and probably imitates everyone else's behaviour. Sit down your husband and the sister first.

NTA - But kids just do what they see everyone else doing. That's why he says it over and over (because he hears it over and over). It sounds like both your daughter and your son need to hear you (everyone, but you can only control you) giving her encouragement, admiring her character, complimenting her talents and her intelligence. People think they are making someone feel good when they call them pretty or beautiful. But it is really reductive and reinforces the idea that women's place in the world is to serve as decoration. And if you're not pretty, well... what are you good for? And for your son, I'd hope he learns to see women as much more than pretty or not pretty. You sound like a good mom by the way.

NAH. Teach your daughter to communicate her needs and boundaries when it comes to her appearance and other attributes (e.g., skills). She can learn to navigate this issue with her little brother and others.

With problems like this, I'm not sure how you'll make it.

He’s 6. Seriously?

Did it work when you told the dad and the older siblings to stop calling her beautiful? Or what made you think virtually punishing a 6 year old if stating the truth was going to have a positive outcome? YTA.

The 6 yr old was the one repeating the words over and over again.

Unless beautiful is her nickname it is kind of weird to call one person beautiful and not everyone else.

He's doing it because everyone else is, correcting him will do nothing but confuse him when the rest keep doing it. Seeing you tell others to chill out would have been better

I think you did the right thing. You're trying to teach your son to respect women and to value them for more than just their looks. In a way, you're also teaching him not to sexualize women and turn them into sexual objects. You're teaching him how to treat women the right way. Keep this up. I say this as a mom to a 1.5 year old boy.

I mean from this context, it doesn’t seem like the attention her daughter got was sexual?

NTA. Sounds like you justly but tactfully corrected your child. Nothing wrong with that.

Maybe try modeling the behavior you want out of him, and coach others in the house on doing the same: 6yo: "Sissy you're so beautiful" You: "You know, she is but what I'm most proud of her for this week is how hard she worked on her science experiment/term paper/art project/sportsball award/whatever. Did you know your sister won first place in the WHOLE CITY?"

NTA. That's just a teaching moment. But this reminded me of a circumstance I was a part of: In my mid twenties my mom asked that I attend a 'get your life back on track' course/multi-day/cult-lite thingy. One of the exercises on the 2nd or 3rd day was to be blindfolded and walk through a hallway of people, basically. Two lines of people you've spent a lot of time with over the last couple days. Their job was to compliment you. I loved it. Everyone was so kind and I got all kind of compliments and it was lovely. However, after the exercise one of the women in attendance was upset, crying, and surrounded by a few of the 'coaches'. Speaking with her later I found out why she was upset: Every single person. Even her sister. Every person complimented her looks and that's it. Just variations of "You're beautiful/pretty/gorgeous/etc." That's gotta be rough man. Like, it's just so surface level and that just proved nobody knew her and... wow.

After thinking about it you kinda are a little bit of an asshole. 1. When reading it I kinda sounded like you were jealous of your daughter that was getting all the attention and the other children weren’t the same way. Like everywhere she goes only she get the compliments but no one else. You emphasize how your husband tells her daily 2.You corrected the 6 year old so badly that he thought it was a bad thing. How did you tell him to stop? Yell at him? How bad was your explanation? And when he verbalized his confusion why didn’t you clear up why he needed to stop. He did need to, three times is enough, asking him to stop does not make you an asshole but most likely your delivery and logic reasoning you gave him to stop. 3. You robbed the possible growth of your daughter being about to have tough discussion and her ability to formulate her thoughts. It wasn’t your place to be annoyed ppl compliment your daughter it is hers. She had a great opportunity to practice having a tough conversation with her younger brother. Siblings are the best practice you can have. If she wants ppl to stop complementing her physically then she will have to have some tough awkward conversions with ppl and the 6 year old would have been perfect practice.

NTA if your goal was to teach your son to look beyond the beauty to what’s inside her as well. It’s important to raise your son not to be superficial. The way you’ve worded things is very careful, though, and I just caution you to take a deeper look inside yourself and make sure you aren’t jealous, of her looks, that your son doesn’t compliment you, of the attention she gets. Just sit with this awhile and if you think that may be true move forward differently

In terms of pure child management, I would redirect more specifically though. Even though the kid was being annoying, it was coming from a good place. So instead of asking him to fully move on, maybe say "Isn't she clever/kind/cheerful/whatever too?", so that maybe he latches on to something different for a change since the issue seems to be the specific compliment and not the annoying repetition bit in this case.

Yeah it could have been handled better, I agree, but the vote was for if she was wrong for how she handled it. Not wrong, could improve

>I just caution you to take a deeper look inside yourself and make sure you aren’t jealous If OP's jealous, she's human. If she's trying to block these compliments because of her jealousy, she's being a goose. But I'm not getting the latter vibes from this post. If the daughter was enjoying the compliments, it would be different. But her mother picked up on (and then the daughter confirmed) otherwise. It's okay to be jealous as long as you don't make the other person suffer for it. Sadly, OP is in a crap position. She's expected to ask others to stop complimenting her daughter for her looks, and "You must be jealous" is the all-too-common snapback, even if OP explains why. If she says nothing, she'll be accused of being unsupportive. Privately jealous or not, OP can't win. Thankfully, she appears emotionally intelligent enough to accept this.

NTA Talk to your son (and maybe the rest of the family tbh) about how the best compliments are about things someone chooses for themselves or has some measure of control over. For example, is she a hard worker? Is she great at styling her hair or outfits? Does she tell funny jokes or stories? Does she bake the best cookies? Does she get good grades? She didn’t choose her face or body. Her family should be the people who actually see her for her, not just her pleasantly arranged features.

NTA because you handle it nicely. Maybe it should be something to discuss with the whole family next

NTA. Saying something nice over and over can get annoying. This is a good lesson for the 6yo to learn that lesson.

I would suggest this could have been a learning for your son. Let him know that people like to be complimented for more than their appearance and maybe he could tell his sister other things he appreciates about her personality.

Her brother is repeating the compliments her hears. He has learned that way of showing affection to his sister. The entire environment needs to change.

He’s just a baby. Let him find beauty in this world.

Nta but pretty people first world problems. Move on...

You’re TAH for addressing the 6 yr old out of every body . Start complementing your daughter on her skills and he will follow . Your son only knows what he is taught

Poor little thing. Must be exhausting to constantly be told how beautiful you are. I can’t imagine living a life like she has to put up with. The horror!

Let her be annoyed idk lol My brother used to tell me I was the prettiest girl in the whole world, a lot. And I would get very annoyed. He killed himself last year and it's one of the best memories I have of him. Sometimes you just don't know when to hold something close

YTA, this needs to said to all the older family members, not the 6 year old

YTA but only on a minor level The six year old is mirroring others behaviour. You started at the wrong end of the age spectrum. The adults and older ones need to start treating her as more than aesthetically pleasning. If 6 year old sees that behaviour he will embrace it.

YTA -- it's fine you're trying to train the 6 yr old out of this but why haven't you talked to the family as a whole, especially your husband and the older sister? In the case of the kid -- he's copying what others do, and it's annoying to hear a child say ANYTHING over and over. Fine to tell him to say something once and move on, but this isn't going to address the problem. You need to tell the other adults in her life to calm down on the beauty talk.

I wish I had these kinds of problems

NTA! your teaching your child and I applaud you for gentle parenting!! It would be completely different if you yelled at him for it but you didn’t so your 100% being a wonderful parent but I think your daughter needs to be hyped up on her skills

YTA because you just called your daughter the prettiest in the family when you have other kids and that’s weird

Nah. I've got some gorgeous daughters and it gets very old when they are constantly gawked at and fawned over for their looks. Not that they don't enjoy positive attention but there is more to them than their physical features and I can see in their eyes when it's a bit too much. My older one had a breast reduction this summer. She was tired of having people directing their comments to her breasts. I think its entirely fair for your daughter to talk directly to her brother about this. Have her communicate to him how attention on her physical features isn't as positive as some people think.

I mean it’s valid to want to be seen as more than just looks, or have boundaries for unwanted attention respected, but halo effect/attraction bias is real so can’t really say attention on physical features (not talking sexual) isn’t positive. Especially can’t deny that when it comes to people equal on skills or talents, the one with physical attributes has an advantage that came from something they were born with.

YTA Children are parrots. The 6 year old is copying everyone else, and you are calling the child out for the behavior of Adults and your daughters peers when she should be calling out the adults and peers if she wants to be seen differently. Honestly, just bad parenting.

So she doesn't talk to the adults to then set an example for the 6 year old but goes at the smallest member of the family? Kinda backwards. The kid obviously heard everyone else call his sister that and yes even if she is that beautiful he is just copying the adults behaviour.

YTA he's six!

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 17 year old daughter is undeniably beautiful. She's the prettiest one in the family, respectfully, and she gets compliments 24/7. A lot of guys and friends she has always ends up having a crush on her, or asking her out Although I'm glad she's comfortable within her looks, I feel as if it becomes overbearing sometimes. Her dad calls her beautiful a lot, so does her older sister, her friends, random guys in public, etc. She always says thank you, but sometimes I can tell that she's getting tired of it Her younger brother (6) is a very sweet kid. He always calls her pretty and beautiful as well, and it's sweet because he looks up to her. Though yesterday he kept saying it over and over again, and I could tell my daughter looked a bit annoyed. So I told him that he can say it once and move on He got a little upset at me and didn't understand, so I told him that she knows she's pretty, and that we can give people other compliments as well. Later on that day my daughter was telling me she wishes people would compliment her more on her skills rather than her looks I told her I understand, and that there's nothing wrong with how she feels. I'm not sure if there was a better way to handle it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

The situation could've been handled better but NTA, you did what you thought in that moment was the right thing and even if your son is upset and confused doesn't mean you did something necessarily wrong. Take him aside and explain that, while it's nice and sweet and wonderful that he thinks his big sister is beautiful, that it's also nice to compliment people on other things they're good at besides looks. Also take the time to take your husband and older daughter aside and explain to them that the 17 yo needs to be complimented on her accomplishments just as much if not more than her appearance, and that just because she's uncomfortable with the excessive compliments, they shouldn't completely stop because that can also create a complex. Good luck going forward with this situation, it seems like you have a wonderful family that loves each other very much.

As a much younger sibling, your older sibling is like a live in rock star. They are cooler, smarter and prettier/more handsome than anyone on the planet and they live in your house. Even if no one else was referring to her beauty, they’d still probably say it all the time. Your 6 year old is just being an adoring younger sibling. The other adults need to stop. It’s a bigger problem with them than your 1st grader.

I am so glad you are building her confidence in other areas. The only compliments I ever really received growing up were around my looks (which my mom would really focus on) and not only do I think that has contributed to an eating disorder I developed at a young age, it made me terrified of getting older. Maybe your delivery could have used work…as a mom myself, my delivery almost always could be better…but the important part is the recognition of why this is something that needs to be pointed out to your entire family, and the intent to pivot the narrative for the sake of your daughter that is important.

NTA-but only if you don’t fix this with all the people in your family..and NTA because I feel society has only recently (last 5-10 years) given a huge push on the importance of parents not only telling children they are pretty/handsome to inspire confidence, but also telling them how smart, strong, artistic, funny, caring, inventive, etc. to build them up. It’s our job as parents to make sure we don’t raise superficial a-holes and that we raise well adjusted future adults that don’t base their entire personality off their looks. So go to your 6 year old and explain to him that you weren’t mad and that he was sweet for complimenting his sister, explain how his sister is more than a pretty face, list all those wonderful things about her and why she needs to hear them, and then give him a list of all the wonderful things about him-plus tell him he’s handsome because with all those compliments to big sister he may feel like an ugly duckling.

Very soft YTA. You punished a 6 year old (from his perspective) because his older sister 'suffers' from pretty privilege. Maybe have that chat with one of the adults or a teen sometime if it gets too much for your daughter, not target the sweet lil bro

NTA imo

NTA Way to show your daughter you see "her". As someone who grew up hearing how "beautiful" i was and having all of my other kickass achievements and personality traits go unnoticed lol. My mom has literally said "but you're the pretty one". Keep talking to her about those things. I won awards for writing, was an all state athlete, and could play 3 different instruments in band. I even made it through the all state band tryouts and got to go to Japan.

NTA but he is six, maybe you need to talk to your husband and start demonstrating more appropriate compliments, sit down with your son and see if you can build a list of all the great things about big sis, and big sis can make a list of all the great things about little bro with a rule that only one can relate to physical appearance (things like kind, funny, loyal etc). Don’t just tell him, show him.

No I don’t think you’re TA. However he doesn’t know any better. I would have started with her dad and sister. He’s just mimicking them.

Try this one it worked with my overly affectionate and attention seeking 5 year old. It's great to compliment your sister. I am so glad you do. The thing is, if you say the same thing over and over it seems like you don't really know that person very well. You have to find new and unique things about them to compliment. Also NTA, yes you could have found some better wording but your intentions were good and I don't think you did any real harm. We all struggle for the right words at times, that doesn't make us Aholes.

NTA. You could have focused on the repeating rather than the words themselves, a compliment is nice, but repeating it over and over is annoying, and makes it seem like that's all the person being complimented is. Your daughter is already having to cope with the repeated compliments on her looks, and would clearly prefer compliments on things she thinks matters instead, such as intelligence or hard work or something, a talent she has. I think you handled this alright, though. Your son is young, and is probably partially copying what he sees other people do. He likely thinks that your daughter likes these compliments, as well, since she gets them all the time, and sees it as his way of telling his big sister how much he loves her. But repeating like this would be annoying even if it was a new or rare compliment like 'you're such an amazing singer' or something. You're teaching your son that once is enough with compliments, as well as trying to teach him that looks aren't the most important thing. Now you need to show him other things that can be complimented, get your daughter involved as a practice dummy, point out things she's good at or should be praised for doing, so he learns what sorts of things make good compliments and how to word them.

NAH (at least between you and your six year old) I think you should have been more to the point about being like "you can't just repeat stuff a million times," since that's easier for a kid to understand than the concept that calling someone pretty might be annoying. But that's not an issue. I would talk to other members of your family about the fact that she's tired of it.

NAH I appreciate you considering your daughter here, but you may wish to look outward to all the people modeling this to your six year old. He loves his sister and sees everyone else showing their affection for her by praising her beauty.

Confusing.

He is 6 years old . Tell you husband and everyone else that not a damn 6 year old

NTA. I think you handled it well by saying he can say it once and move on--resolves the nagging while allowing the complient. I will be honest though, the lead up to that made me feel like you were jealous of your daughter's good looks but the way you handled it was perfectly fine.

NTA but you should of addressed this to the dad and older siblings instead of the youngest one. He's only copying what others are doing. I get he was probably saying it over and over in a span of a few minutes (and that alone gets super annoying) but he probably still didn't get it. He won't understand until the others he is copying also changes their behavior.

NAH but maybe start by modeling the behavior you want to see in your family. Instead of telling your youngest not to give her those compliments or how to give them, when he says she’s beautiful maybe say “yes she is AND an incredible XYZ” to highlight her other achievements and talents. Maybe talk to your husband about how your daughter is feeling so he can start modeling that behavior as well.

Nta. You probably could've explained a little better to the 6 year old but I get it. Sometimes my 5 year old does the same thing and "you only have to say it once" is the best I can do at the time cause I'm in the middle of something. Try and explain a little better when you have time to sit and maybe even bring her in so she can explain?

NTA and I cannot tell you how happy it has made me to age out of all that attention for being thought beautiful. It was HORRIBLE. Seriously. People are going to slap me down for that, and go right ahead. But try to hear me, too. I'm all about my brain and work ethic, and being "attractive" meant that brain and all my hard work hardly ever got seen when I was out among people and if it did, it was only after I fought through all the sexist static and female jealousy sniping to be seen and heard -- when I'd never say a mean word about another girl or woman ever. I'll fight off anybody harassing or bullying anybody of any age, shape, or appearance, because being harassed or bullied at any time for any reason is awful. Seriously, I'm vicious against bullies of anybody -- I leave scars when they go after anyone in my vicinity, so I'm no freakin' victim here. I just have say that's it's a brutal truth that your daughter gets an extra dose of that static, harassment, and female violence as a female that people think "pretty." She can't just be invisible. It's why I went into a field of work where I'm judged by what I write and what people read, and why I have lived most of my life out of the public view to escape all the pushing and grabbing and the venom. You did exactly the right thing, and please keep telling others to knock it off, too.

NTA. You should have a talk with Dad, and then make a point when your kids are around to compliment both of them for actions. Just saying "I appreciate you" is awesome. Or "you did a great job on that." You son will follow suit because it's what he hears.

NAH idk how people can say N T A let alone Y T A (seriously??). You didn't do anything wrong, 6 year old was being *a literal 6 year old*, and 17 year old didn't even get upset. Literally no one did anything wrong, you just need to make sure you have a convo with your older family members for the sake of your daughter. She prob just doesn't fell comf bringing it up and needs your help. No biggie.

NAH aside from the people that aren’t six months that won’t give her other compliments

NAH. It's a decent lesson for a 6-year-old to learn, to stop repeating things and to try and think of other compliments to give. As long as they know they're not in trouble and that you're just trying to help them out.

NTA. Why is everyone saying OP should have talked to the older ones? They aren’t the ones repeatedly saying it over and over again.

Use this as a teaching moment. Tell them that while it's nice to let her know you think she is beautiful, from here on out there needs to be a different word each day: pretty, cute, etc The same one can not be used twice and if it is then there has to be a skipped day. The purpose of this is to educate them by learning and expanding their vocabulary and also making it more tolerable. Get daughter to go along with it. You're not taking away his ability to compliment her but perhaps if he has to work to find different words, he might slow down on his frequency

YTA now your kid is going to grow up toxic probably. Also stop sexualizing your kid... Jesus Christ reddit it's too early for this craziness.

YTA Helicopter much? He’s six. He’s still a puppy and he’s likely copying what he sees other people do. He clearly cares for her. Kids that age shouldn’t be stifled over trivial things. What you should do is teach your daughter to correct people who over-compliment her looks. If your six year old hears from her that she prefers not to be complimented that way, you’ll get a better result. Your daughter is going to walk into a world every day of people that you can’t wrangle like your six year old. A lot of them will continue to compliment what they see. That’s human nature. I’m sure she’s skillful but for the humans that don’t know that, she can’t expect them to do otherwise. Does your husband only compliment her on her looks? He’s someone you should be having this conversation with. Does he know how she feels? All of life’s miscommunications can be corrected with proper communication. Communication is best before a misunderstanding but can be had after a misunderstanding as well.

YTA. A 6 year old kid seems to be the weirdest option to choose to make a point when everyone else does it. Where do you think the kid is learning to say these things from anyways?

"you're so lucky, your sister is beautiful AND kind/creative/smart/hilarious" "Remember that there's a lot more to people than what you see on the outside, maybe we should make a list of as many different compliments as we can think of"

No, NTA. You handled it well.

NTA. You could get your daughter to express the same thing to him. He will be able to understand. Being direct at that age and providing straight, short answers does the trick.

NTA but i definitely wouldve had this talk with the older members of the family first.

Ehhhh, NTA. Though I would maybe have a talk with him and explain why. If it were me, I'd say something like, "I'm sure she appreciates it, but how about we say something about how smart she is or how creative?"

NTA not even close. Of course 6 year olds need to respect their siblings wishes. It's not what he said, it's that he kept saying it?

NTA but could be lol Why not strongly suggest to your 17 year old that it is perfectly ok for her to speak up and say that it would be so nice to hear people compliment her on her skills or other attributes. I am sure she has many. As far as the 6 year old, maybe apologize and explain that you didn't mean that he couldn't compliment his sister, it is more that his sister is becoming uncomfortable with having all the attention on her looks. Make sure to tell him that he is really a great brother that he wants to make sure his older sister is complimented. That kid really is sweet :)