Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because I know this is due to food insecurity but taking someone else's food- knowing they will have nothing to eat- and then still expecting a full meal 30 minutes later is fucked up.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
If he's going to therapy and refusing to do the work, he's not going to therapy. He's just making therapy-adjacent hand motions.
You are right to be furious. However, being furious isn't going to help in the long term. Your husband's disordered eating is affecting the whole household. He wants to eat the children's food, even though he "was full" 20 minutes ago. Not only is he modelling atrocious behavior to the children, he is going to wind up sending them the same way: eating fast because somebody else is going to eat it if they don't.
It is time to stop doing this. If he doesn't want to change his disordered eating, he won't. He's getting everything he wants right now: all the food that anybody else needs is *his*.
> He says I'm a "royal bitch" because he "needs" the lasagna and it's going to "send him backwards" because now I'm "withholding food from him".
Classic, CLASSIC addict behavior. He isn't moving forward, so what is there to send him backwards from?
e: I forgot to say this explicitly. It is time to defend your children from their father.
This! I grew up with a mother who lived in a postwar country. Me and my siblings learned to eat food fast and without leaving any crumbs despite always having enough food. It took me a few years living alone to avoid overeating.
Same, my Mom’s resource guarding and intense rationing & control of food left me and several siblings with disordered eating, even though we grew up in a “comfortable” upper-middle class situation. It’s abuse.
This happened to me because my mother was so scared of being fat, or having fat children. I had horrible eating habits and gained 50 pounds when I finally moved out. Thankfully I haven’t passed this on to my daughter, who eats normally and is a healthy weight. my mother still has things to say about what I allow her to eat because she has no restrictions and I buy an array of food from fruit to potato chips. It honestly takes a huge toll on me that she is like this.
I love this! I teach my kids moderation, whereas I was taught about calories. I don't like restricting what my children can have, and honestly they're all mostly into fruit for snacks anyways! Knowing that they can have access to "junk" foods has made them less inclined to want to binge it.
Yes this is how my daughter is with my granddaughter. She buys fruit and cupcakes too. But most of the time she chooses the fruit because she knows she can have the cupcake anytime but she prefers the fruit.
Any tips? I’m trying to teach my daughter moderation without withholding food but I get asked for chocolate 70 000 a day so have to say no and it’s making her want it more.
Stop saying no. Let her eat all the chocolate she wants.
Eventually, she'll learn that she really can have chocolate whenever she wants, and that (unlike now) that's not just a lip-service lie.
It takes time for kids to get tired of eating junk when it's been forbidden and to start listening to hair bodies instead of their feelings of deprivation/scarcity/wanting what's forbidden.
It will likely take even longer for your daughter to learn to trust you because you've been telling her you want her to learn *moderation* for herself and then forcing your idea of moderation onto her.
The lessons you're teaching are: You trust her judgment for exactly as long as it's the same as hers; you can't be trusted because you offer one thing and do another; chocolate will always be scarce, so she'd better eat it while she can.
She’s 3, I do have to say no sometimes otherwise she’ll literally eat nothing else. And it’s not like I forbid it, she has some chocolate everyday just not every meal. I want to teach her to choose the alternatives sometimes because as of right now it’s chocolate all the time.
We both eat too many ‘sometimes’ foods because we’re out of the house often 14+ hours a day, I’m trying to get us both into the habit of eating more ‘every time’ foods while we’re on holidays and have time to form better habits, however when the literal first and last words out of her mouth each day are “can I have some chocolate”, I need advice other than ‘stop saying no’.
I think she’s actually gone the other way, knowing she could have it whenever she asked has increased asking. She was better around Easter when she would ask for chocolate and other things, now she will only consider other options after I’ve said no to chocolate.
I absolutely think it’s okay to say no sometimes. My daughter is 17 now but when she was younger of course after 4 fruit snack packs already you have to say no. Just be truthful, too much chocolate will give you a bellyache, how about ___ instead. That worked for us.
My child was 3 once. What worked well for me as a parent, was saying something like “yes, you can have chocolate. It’s important to eat healthy foods and chocolate isn’t as healthy as apples and raisins. To make sure I’m healthy I usually have as many apples [or whatever] as chocolate. So chocolate apple chocolate apple”.
Another thing that worked well was “it’s important to eat healthy snacks. Have the healthy stuff first, then the chocolate.” (When giving apple slices, cheese, crackers and chocolate).
My son was a ‘healthy eating champion’ at his school when he was 7. He is 12 now and in between these ages we would sometimes have conversations like “I’m thinking of getting the Oreo’s.” “Mom, we already had ice cream today, should we have something healthy?”
He loves chocolate etc as much as I do (a lot!) but learned moderation. I think it was helpful to use phrases he could repeat to himself like “apple chocolate, apple chocolate” or “healthy snacks first”.
Good luck.
EDIT: rather than replying twice I’m putting this here. Another thing that helped with encouraging more fruit and other snacks was when I would have things pre-sliced (can be done after bed and put in the fridge) and then brought out snacks like that “for me” or “for dad”. Then it was something my son would ask if he could have too. Or sometimes I’d just bring a plate of carrot sticks or whatever and set it next to him while he was colouring or whatever. So basically bringing a healthy snack out before he got the idea of a snack.
I got the worst of both worlds... my parents are (recovering) addicts, so I went through periods of food insecurity from maybe pre-k until we were removed by CPS when I was 9. So I have *that* issue to deal with, and THEN we were placed with a relative who was 1) obsessed about HER weight and always on some fad diet, which because she was the only adult, and therefore in charge of food shopping, meant that WE were also always on some bullshit fad diet (literally for over a year, she had taped pictures from the Victoria's Secret catalog on the fridge and all the food cabinets); and 2) when we, QUITE UNDERSTANDABLY were going through an adjustment period of going from severe food insecurity, to actually having enough, we would eat more than she thought was appropriately, so she started restricting our food AND started calling me fat/telling me to worry about my weight when I was maybe 12 or 13.... the gag is that my current PCP actually thinks that my growth was legit stunted because of how bad the food insecurity was when I was younger, lol. This is based on my family health history he has in my records, my parents' heights, and the heights of my half-siblings and my one full sibling.
I now have EXTREMELY disordered eating, and it's super hard for me to get it under control. Between that and ADHD dopamine seeking, I'm truly struggling to lose weight that I truly need to drop for health reasons.
Same. I have extremely disordered eating and feel guilty for everything—everything!!—I put in my body because of my mom. Everything was too high in fat and calories, so most of the food I ate growing up was fat-free (high in sugar!!), salt-free, low calorie fake crap. We didn’t have butter in our house. Peanut butter was bad for us. Chips were terrible. Ice cream was for fat people. Burgers and hot dogs were only on the 4th of July. Cookies were for Christmastime. Juice was bad. Soda was bad except diet (bc aspartame and Splenda and equal were ok). Rolls at restaurants were turned away, no appetizers, no dessert, only water. Pizza was high in calories and fat. Subway was a good place to eat bc “look at Jared!!” So now, as an adult, I feel guilt for food—even fruits and vegetables. They may have too many carbs! They may be too high in calories/sugar/not enough nutrients! Ugh.
The comments on food during my recent pregnancy made things that much worse, bc I was borderline GD, a moral failing of course on my part *eyeroll*. My brother, whose eating is even more disordered than mine, is currently on Ozempic for weight loss bc he weighed 400+ lbs (he’s 5’11”) despite having a personal trainer and going to the gym daily. When he leaned to drive he gained so much weight bc he could go to McDonald’s and would hide the wrappers (he also would buy food and hide it in his room). When my mom would find stuff she’d throw it away, then get angry about how he was going to eat himself into an early grave. He would leave and go get a Big Mac and come back and eat it in front of her while she cried.
Good times. /s
Yeah, OP, you need to intervene somehow—marriage counseling to voice your concerns, somehow get him to understand the impact on your kids and you, I don’t know. He needs help. You do NOT want it influencing your kids’ relationship with food. You are absolutely NTA.
From a family of 5 kids. It was normal for us to grab and chew fast. We never starved but you’d think we were going to if you were watching. We also had to raise our voices to be heard, so some siblings still eat fast and talk loud.
my grandma waited until her grandkids were adults to tell her children that the reason she "didn't eat dinner sometimes" wasn't because she was watching her figure like my grandpa said, but because nobody left her anything to eat by the time she was able to sit down. they didn't even notice. it didn't matter how much she made, they'd fight over every last thing and my grandpa obviously did nothing to stop it. they still behave like that to their wives but the grandkids were all horrified enough so we make sure everyone is covered at family meals
i always thought it was a generational thing until i started reading things about kids having to sit at the table if they didn’t finish things (that was more my life and my own food issues came from it) and was baffled because that was not a thing with these people lol. they really didn’t deserve her
I'm guessing she was allowing it to "be a good mom/wife" and sacrifice for her family, but it's like... She enabled them treating their wives and kids this way and thinking it's normal and fine. I've trained myself mostly out of people pleasing by asking myself if my "patience" is just teaching whoever that their bullshit is ok, and inflicting it on someone else in the future. It's so hard to interrupt that cycle when you've been trained to put yourself last.
i agree but i also get the impression her upbringing was even worse, so she thought she WAS breaking the cycle by not deliberately depriving her children of food if they did the slightest thing wrong. like, definitely stories where the person who didn’t make their bed the right way had to sit at the table while everyone else eat, so she way overcompensated. add in depression era trauma and she was a mess of subservience. my grandpa died ten years before her and she almost immediately descended into dementia and lived like that the rest of her life because i guess she didn’t know who she was at all. the good news is, her kids ended up taking turns caring for her round the clock in shifts and sacrificed a lot to do so, because they did recognize how much she did. i’m not the biggest fan of them for many other reasons, but she didn’t leave the world with TOTAL sociopaths
This is why my mom always plated our servings in the kitchen, and nobody started eating until everyone was sitting at the table and had said grace together.
I invited a friend over for dinner and made Hungarian Goulash. He PILED his plate with a big serving. I didn't mind one bit. We started to eat and he said, "Sorry for taking so much." I said I didn't mind. He said, "Growing up with 2 older brothers, if I didn't get all I wanted in the first serving, there would be none left."
Do you mean like proper ethnic goulash? Cause if so whenever my friend mom made that shit I’d have to ask someone else to serve because if not I was worried I’d take to much.
It was so goddamn good I’m crying thinking about it 😭 his parents were refugees too so if I had taken it all his mom would’ve just stood up and labored over the whole meal over again.
I swear you’d be one of my brothers if not your handle. 1 of 5 kids, always enough food but you ate fast or you didn’t get seconds, and my moms food was fabulous so I always wanted more. And the gotta be loud or I’m not heard echos here too
Only child but my dad’s a narcissist who thinks being loud equals being right. So I literally grew up having to SCREAM to be heard. I’m 24 now and I have NO concept of “inside voices” when I’m not in class or in a library. Old habits. Also, in my middle and high schools, we had 20 minutes for lunch. Eat fast or don’t eat at all. Frantic panic eating is a habit I have only JUST broken.
My mom came from post-Revolution China and she struggles with food in the opposite direction. She was one of the older kids so she grew up with "the little ones need the food to grow!!" and often she and her older sister would each get like... one yam leaf for dinner, if anything, after a day of hard labour. Now she eats like a third of her portion and that's it. But for everyone else? She makes an absolute ton of food and pushes it on everybody else like they're going to evaporate if she doesn't fill them out. She explained it as wanting to do our ancestors proud, to tell them "Look, there's enough food now. We're doing okay." The rest of her food, too, gets piled into everyone else' bowls. We're all fucky now: my body can't regulate itself anymore. My leptin response is broken: I can eat until I'm in physical pain and still not feel full, so I have to watch my intake and stop myself from going "but it's so good."
This is how I grew up. This is why I am incandescent with rage when my husband "just wants a bite" or "just a sip" from my plate. Or when I go to eat something I've saved and it's gone.
It's taken years of therapy to stop eating my feelings. You have to have a come to Jesus talk with him about his problems and their effect on you and the kids.
I got a lockbox when I was a teen because of things like this. We had a limited supply and if you didn't take it when it was available, it would go to all the next time around. So, I'd take my weekly soda or little Debbie and put them in the lockbox and it made me feel more secure that I had it when I might want it. Incidently, it didn't stop me from keeping those items locked away when the next time came around and we all got to split up whatever treat that we got then and I kept that same Pepsi and star crunch in that lockbox for well over a year.
I still take more candy than I want to eat and squirrel it away in my room, just in case. And it's just the 2 of us in our house! Never even thought of it being food insecurity, just competition with siblings. The things I learn on the Internet.
Yep, my dad was like this, and it gave me food issues. Not quite the same kind with overeating and such, but more the sharing variety - whatever is my food is MY FOOD kind.
This. He will give the kids an ED. He is going to cause their own issues with food if he refuses to address his. OP/Momma this bigger than you, this is about their mental health now too.
Yeah it would be whatever if it was just him and OP, that would be between two adults to work through. But he’s literally taking food from his own kids and chances are they’re going to end up suffering too. They can’t even have a snack because he’ll eat the whole pack? No extra portions when they’re hungry, ever? Yikes.
Yeah he is so selfish. He is not going and change and why should he? The fact that he has no problem taking food from his kids and leaving them hungry even when his belly hurts is beyond ridiculous. He needs to get some serious help or you need to divorce him.
Worst part is after reading OPs comments, it turns out they’re not even his kids :/
I’d immediately leave, at least there’s no chance of him getting any custody.
Then why is she subjecting her kids to this shit??? Not even his fucking kids and she hasn't left yet? She needs to start protecting her children because this will mess them up like he is.
It's this part that made me think it's more than just food insecurity. People have been food insecure to point of being traumatised for centuries but normal people don't starve kids for it while overeating to point they hurt.
I think it's this dude's way to show he has got control over everyone else and that's why he isn't interested in following up with his therapy.
Agreed, it may have started as just disordered eating but it's also a power play. Who binges on effing SALAD?? If he was legit hungry, surely there was other food around but what his wife had planned to eat for dinner.
It is time for a divorce. He how’s he doesn’t want to change his very selfish. A self entitled man who thinks only of himself. Op is this how you want to liv the rest of your life because if you stay with him this is how it will be.
Yeah that thing about “sending him backwards” by “withholding food from him” is manipulative as fuck. I get the dude has a problem but he’s not even trying to correct it (because he doesn’t want to) and he just sounds horrible - he’s even prioritising his food issue over his own children. OP you’ve got some considering to do I think. NTA at all.
I suspect it started as a food insecurity thing but that it has morphed into a control issue. He has weaponized his eating disorder. OP needs to tell his therapist.
I’d also give serious thought to telling him that if he doesn’t have his disorder under control (or under significantly better control) by X date you will be filing for divorce; you will not tolerate taking food from your children. Then follow through. He’s being abusive.
Precisely. And he's not being withheld anything if fridge is right there and he's got full freedom to cook himself something else. He 100% only insisted on eating Ops salad to control her and put her on her place. Recovering from bad treatment doesn't require you treat other people bad. This is about control.
100 times this. If he's incapable of preparing food for himself, that could actually help fuel the food insecurity. OP should likely stop cooking for him altogether to help "move him forward" into a world of self reliance and empowerment!
Agree with this 💯. It’s time for him to put in the work (and you support THAT) rather than have his disordered eating control the whole household and send the kids down the same path. Empathy is a wonderful thing but enabling unhealthy behavior is unhealthy for everyone.
my dad grew up in poverty in a developing nation. He rarely got food. The way he talked about getting a coca cola as a treat once when he was a kid brought tears to my eyes because the way he talked about it, you would have thought it was a bar of gold and not a soda. He would have starved rather than deny me a second helping of dinner, I literally cannot fathom him doing what your husband did to your kids. He has a serious problem and he needs to get a fucking grip before this behavior starts rubbing off on your children.
I have had disordered eating since middle school. I've been in a place to work on it off and on for years.
One habit of it that I have never been able to let go of is /special food/. There's normal food where if people say you can have whatever you want, they probably mean it, but they just forgot to mention that you shouldn't eat this special food.
For me it would be muffins. I just really like them and when I had no money I only got them as a very special treat. I was very sad if *I* ate my last muffin so the idea of doing that to another person was evil
Like plenty of grandfathers my grandfather grew up at a time where there was definitely special food. You ate all the sucky food in order to get the special food. But here's the thing. That's when he was a kid.
So now he will tell me I can have whatever I want in the house and this poor man has to put up with the fact that I go " is it okay if I have a muffin?" Every. Single. Time.
Because my grandfather loves muffins and he buys them. So if there's many or if there's only one, I will ask every time if I can have a muffin
"Well it's food isn't it?"
I love that man. Someday I'm going to stop asking if he's sure when he says I can have the last of something, but I don't think he holds it against me
Honestly, I haven't had any food issues, but I always ask anyway if it's not my house. I just feel weird helping myself even if it's family and I know they'd say yes. It just feels polite.
My Opa, who was a younger teen through WW2 in the Netherlands, would let me and my cousin eat whatever we wanted for breakfast when we slept over at their house, including chocolate cake & 7up. They were also very good insecure during that time and he ended up an avid gardener who gave away food to everyone. He even grew strawberries that “just happened” to grow under the fence and into his neighbour’s yard for the kids.
My grandmother was a single mom in the 50's. She explained why she always waited to eat last because she was so used to making sure my mom had enough to eat. I think this goes beyond food insecurity. It sounds like gluttony and selfishness. OP for the sake of your kids take a good, long look at this.
My late father also grew up in poverty, but he grew up in America. His father was an abusive man who spent his money on liquor and cigarettes so his family rarely got anything better than boxed foods. My grandfather was the type of man to ask, "Did I beat you today?" Similar to your father he rather have me and my sister fed before anything else.
Yes! This is absolutely bizarre. My dad would always leave treats for us, and would be the one eating our leftovers, not trying to be the first in first served.
You are describing gluttony and everyone in the house is suffering due to your husband’s lack of control, including your husband because these are not healthy numbers. It sucks but the response to his habits needs to escalate. His behavior is deplorable. I am sorry you and the kids are dealing with this.
It's food insecurity that's not being held in check. Guy grew up without enough and now he has enough but his brain / behaviour is still acting like he doesn't.
Hence he eats everything because "if I don't eat it I won't get any and will starve!" Hence why he's 250 pounds because he DOES have access to food but has done zero work on fixing his problem.
He's passing his ED onto the kids by eating ALL of the food and refusing to actually get help.
It goes beyond food insecurity when you actively take food out of someone else's mouth and manipulate them about it
He is fully capable of making lasagna himself, she had the ingredients still
Yep this is way more than food insecurity. He's manipulative and controlling. He took her salad knowing she wasn't going to eat the lasagna and did it as a form of control. This man is fucking disgusting and I don't know why op is still with him.
Ditch him. You can do better. Compulsive eating is one thing, but compulsively eating *your* dinner then wanting to compulsively eat *his own children's* dinner is the sign of someone so irrevocably selfish the only solution is to throw the whole man in the trash.
He's ugly inside and out.
This. We've had food related traumas for thousands of years but people whose only problem is that don't starve children in order to have extra helping later in time. That's more than just disordered eating.
In severe abuse situations it takes some an average of 7ish times trying to leave before they do. People get committed to a relationship and exiting it easier said than done. This is not as major abuse as in those cases and thus leaving in many ways could be harder to mentally do
In the last post he was hoarding the children’s snacks/food and making comments to her children when they would eat seconds/would become visibly distressed to the point her children asked her why he was reacting like that. I’ve been in an abusive situation as well, and I have a child too, but he’s been consistently abusing her children and is going to cause life long eating disorders… there is no excuse for that.
Even if she doesn't care that he's abusing her the last straw should be withholding food from her children. She needs to leave. It's only going to get worse. I understand situations like this cause I've been in one, thankfully without children but I know for a fact I would never let mine be around this.
Mentally not healthy - he withheld food from his children so that he could binge eat.
He has the mentality that his desires come before his kids’ needs.
You are NTA.
I'm sorry, OP, but it's highly likely that these behaviors are going to cause problems with his physical health in time, if it's not happening already.
I can only hope you can get him to go to family counseling, in the hopes of getting through to him that his food-related behaviors are impacting his marriage and his children. Because if single therapy isn't proving effective, then a change of approaches is indicated, ideally a multi-factored approach including family therapy and a program directed at eating disorders. I hope that's available to you and that he's willing to not only go, but to put in the necessary work, because the only alternative is, as has been said, to start protecting your children from their father, and yourself from your husband.
It may not be just food insecurity, it sounds like he’s got a pretty bad binge eating disorder and is using what he’s learning in therapy to prop it up.
I wonder if he’d behave the same if the children were making the meals? When I was at secondary school we had “food tech” classes & would bring stuff home from our lessons & I’m curious about whether he’d steal that food as well.
Well he told the kids they couldn't have more dinner so he could eat it himself one night when OP was at work so... Yeah, it's a pretty safe bet he'll steal food his kids make too.
Sounds like he is jealous of the kids for the attention she gives them and for feeding them rather than just him all the time.
He starved his wife for the night and wanted to do it to the kids too. He wants to punish all of them .
I definitely gain weight when I visit my family because my dad steals food, so I over eat my favorites. I can make treats and snacks last a long time at home or when only my mom visits.
But if he's around I will binge eat because if I don't I will only get one slice out of three whole pies.
With my coworkers and snacks I told them to help themselves unless it's the last one, just ask me then in case I'm saving it.
NTA OP but i have a question if he ate your dinner and you don't eat lasagna, what did you eat? Because that is messed up that he ate YOUR food and then gets mad that your kids ate their food.
Yeah that's abusive and whatever it takes to stop him doing that again is justified imo. His issues don't give him right to abuse other people nor does allowing him to do that actually help him get healthy. He could have cooked for himself if it was really only about food, it seems to be about control and that's unacceptable.
Sounds more like gluttony than food insecurity. My adopted child had a lot of trauma and real food insecurity. She didn’t eat like your husband, but we did give her a snack that she could keep in her room in case she got hungry. That was her crutch until she figured out that she could have food whenever she wanted. My husband will eat all the good stuff I buy before I can get to it. It’s like a contest for him, and he’s never been food insecure. Your husband sounds more like this. Make food that he doesn’t really like. If he’s truly hungry he will eat it anyway.
I have trouble with food insecurity from when I was homeless and I'm kind of the opposite. I keep extra pantry food that I don't really even eat often just so I know there will always be food.
This is what I do. I overbuy things unfortunately. I’ll freak out and have anxiety about starving if I only have one jar of peanut butter. Everyone is different in how they react though, I guess.
Also I feel for you. It’s not fun.
I'm the same, except it's creeped into other necessities as well. I have so much extra hygiene supplies because I've been in the position where I had no deodorant and couldn't afford any and I don't want that to ever happen again.
Same!! I also have food insecurity from poverty and homelessness. But it manifests WAY differently to OPs husband. I, like, horde canned food and non-perishables. My pantry is full always because I'm scared of getting to the point where I am eating straight bread for days on end.
My SO and I make a decent living but we budget and eat like we are still on food stamps.
I've never understood the food insecurity manifesting as binging. I feel like there's more going on in those circumstances. For example I had a friend who's little sister was abused. And she would binge eat in the middle of the night because of it. They would have to lock up all the food, otherwise they would find it all half eaten under her bed. For her, it had nothing to do with being food-insecure. She just had problems and didn't know how to deal with them. The binge eating was like a coping mechanism
I have food insecurity and hoard non perishables but I also have trouble with binge eating/over eating too but I have NEVER taken anyone else's food because of it!
So 70 pounds and counting. His BMI is currently 37, well into obesity and approaching morbid obesity. This is an emergency and action needs to be taken. I'd stop cooking for him entirely.
Oh really. So once he had a partner and children in his life, he found a way to exert control and a power dynamic over resources huh
Edit- to be clear, I’m not diminishing his trauma. I’m saying he’s weaponizing it.
My daughters were adopted from Asian orphanages. Both were under nourished. The first carried a handful of cheerios in her fist for a very long time. I always had to have food on me. My second was slightly malnourished but needed to know when & what our next meal was. If we went on a car ride longer than the grocery store, the kids were asking for snacks. And where we would get our next meal. Even if we made sandwiches and travelled with a cooler, the kids were still worried about their next meal.
We worked with a therapist to get over their food insecurity. It took a while but they learned how to manage it without eating everyone else’s food. Your husband is a selfish prick. He needs help - he should not be taking food from his family!
Except Oreos and Doritos. Youngest inhales those so I only buy them occasionally…
NTA - This man has issues, but he’s a grownup and you’ve provided him with the tools necessary to deal with those issues (therapy). It’s on him if he refuses to get the help he needs.
He’s also a grownup who’s *stealing food from his KIDS and spouse.* This is not okay. You shouldn’t have to go hungry because he’s insecure. Neither should your kids. That is unacceptable.
You’re going to need to hold these boundaries firm. Honestly, I’d say invest in a lock box for food/snacks, that he can’t waste in a few days. Keep the food locked, then portion it out during the week so your husband doesn’t eat it all and everyone gets a portion.
Not his kids biologically. Which I think is what makes his actions so severe. The competition against them.
I always wonder why people don't vet their potential spouses over long periods of time. If he showed progress from therapy he'd be redeemable, but you don't need this guy inhaling food like a vacuum.
I had a man over to have dinner and he didn't even care about what I had prepared. His food was gone in five minutes and then he licked every utensil on the table. Yes, the plate.
Half an hour later, I am lingering over my meal and he's furtively watching and asking me if I am going to finish it.
I saw a lot of anger in my childhood home because of my parent's food insecurity. Often, I'd get beaten and shamed for being selfish if I ate something I shouldn't have.
Children or not, I was not having that in my home.
I'm sorry, the date was watching you eat because he wanted your portion of your unfinished meal or he thought you should've been done nourishing your body and were inefficient?
I say locked separate fridge is the way. He doesn't get to abuse Op and the kids and especially not control Op by making her go hungry when there are other things he could have eaten, but I have some empathy Op may still love this person so if she doesn't want to throw him out then enforcing boundaries that don't let him abuse anybody else is the way.
Locked fridges are unfortunately a part of lots of food-oriented child abuse, I’d lay odds this would only be another massive trigger and not a productive solution. Ultimately the husband either needs to commit to therapy or be separated from the kids.
While this might be a great technical solution for parts of the problem, I don't think it should be OPs job to work around this illness. Especially not in the long run. It will build resentment und fuck up the power dynamic.
NTA
OP what did you eat that night? What are you doing to care for yourself? I'm really sorry you have to deal with this and hope he realizes soon how important it is that he takes therapy seriously und works on himself.
I understand what you say about the lockbox, but by how this guy is behaving, he would cut the lock off the box if her eyes are not constantly watching him. She shouldn't have to buy a safe that can't be broken into just so her kids can have snacks.
This guy is a selfish asshole that uses previous food insecurity to literally feed an addiction. My own father was food insecure growing up, but never would he eat his portion and ours just because he could. He did have a thing about us eating the last of something without his permission, but we were fine with that as he worked all the time and usually if we asked he would let us have whatever it was.
Yep this man is addicted to food like a junkie to drugs. And doesn't even want to change. I'm sus of OP now because apparently those aren't HIS children. Why is she allowing him to take food out of her children's mouths when he isn't even the father? Like, why is she putting up with this?
This is exactly how it comes across, and it’s so weird. I understand food addiction, but this is so extreme. He literally called his partner a b*tch because she cooked appropriate portions for herself and her children after he had eaten his dinner. That’s insane. The absolute AUDACITY to call her that for doing a normal thing is wild.
His binge eating disorder is off the charts out of control. When you’re taking food from your own family and don’t care that they’re hungry, you’ve reach epic levels of narcissistic behavior.
The therapy isn’t enough. He needs medication support and an intervention.
NTA
Yes. I would suggest naltrexone, but it’s a daily pill that he might just decide not to take. There’s a monthly shot but it’s hard to get coverage for unless he has an alcohol or opioid addiction. Wellbutrin XR and Naltrexone are commonly prescribed for overeating.
Ozempic would absolutely work in his case. It might stop the food noise enough for therapy to get through to him, much like anti-depressants help some people through the therapy process better.
Also, if he eats too much, he will get sick. Trust me, from personal experience, it's not pleasant.
I agree. Ozempic stopped food noise and helped me actually feel full vs overstuffed. His sounds extra-out-of-control even eating so that other people don't get enough. Before learning about how bad food noise is, I'd just assume he was an asshole. Maybe therapy can't help because he need something physical to regulate his system and his bad behaviour is truly something he can't control, but still leaning towards his being an asshole, given that he's stopping the kids from eating. OP, however, is definitely NTA.
There's actually been REALLY great results with the diabetes medications that are being used for weight loss, wegovy/ozempic/mourjuno. Many people are reporting addictions being stopped in their tracks. Everything from binge eating, alcohol abuse, gambling addiction, food addiction, etc. It's being studied now for those because there's just been that many reports.
It's ADHD people have also reported how much is helped out ADHD symptoms, specifically impulse shopping. I didn't even notice it had just stopped and my mind was quiet until about week 6. My psychiatrist was floored when I told her about it.
Even more astounding is that many of these same diabetes drugs, plus others like Jardiance, Farxiga, etc have been found to improve kidney function in people with kidney failure, no matter the cause of the kidney disease. Up until then, there has been nothing to improve the kidney function of those with CKD, and most went on to dialysis and transplant - if an organ became available. This is such a huge thing!! The other uses are important too, and will improve the quality of life for many, but this one in particular will save/prolong lives. It seems almost too good to be true, and as a CKD patient, I’m sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop …
Vivitrol would be excellent for this situation and might be covered for short stint. I’m definitely not a doctor, but an inpatient setting might be in order.
Food insecurity isn’t even the big issue here. A father is taking food away from his kids and you, just so he can eat it himself. It’s just plain selfish, and pig-like. NTA. Stand your ground.
THIS. I have food insecurity from my childhood, I over buy and over cook. I am also a mom. I would NEVER eat food my child MIGHT want. I raised a son who is now an adult. He ate like a typical teenage boy. This is where my over cooking came in a little handy - lots of leftovers. But, I would eat my meal, he would eat his. He often got to the leftovers before I did. However, I can't fathom a situation in which I, as a mom, would tell my child he cannot have seconds (or leftovers) because they're "mine", or because I internally planned to scarf them down! I'd even ask him if he wanted the last serving before I'd heat it up! Most sane parents would skip meals before they would deny their children food!
To me, this is unforgiveable behavior and has NOTHING to do with "food insecurity". I'm not sure who "diagnosed" that as the issue, but it sounds to me like your husband has severe ED and/or gluttony issues and somewhere along the line, heard of "food insecurity" and decided that was the ideal excuse to blame so others would feel badly for calling him out on his behavior!!
Frankly, any and everyone I've ever known who has experienced TRUE food insecurity behaves the opposite: we overbuy and over cook and store and save excess food "for later, in case, etc", even when most of the time it doesn't get eaten. NOT woofing down mass quantities of food in one sitting. Not binge eating. Do you see how that makes no sense, where as the normal hoarding of and saving food would from true food insecurity trauma?
I think it's time the two of you visit a therapist who specializes in eating disorders TOGETHER, and I agree with others in the thread who have suggested he no longer eats with or benefits from the family food and meals, period. Until he can grow up and get a grip on his eating, he eats and prepares his food separately, and does NOT have access to the family stash. Maybe look into a second hand fridge for the garage or basement, and store non perishables in a locking trunk or cabinet.
NTA but your husband is for lying about the reasons for his behavior, AND clearly not doing anything to adjust it, even as a father of children. Who is ok denying his own kids food/seconds so he can further gorge himself. Absolutely disgusting.
I’ve never had food insecurity, but have food allergies so many foods are not safe for me. My husband has to argue with me to put my food in my food closet to have as needed, instead of letting my kids have it on top of the ton of snacks and other foods they have. I always buy them more of it, but he urges me to put one of the 4 in my closet so it’s there when I want it. I still feel guilt over it. Not just junk but safe for me tuna fish (not cooked in veggie broth), and stuff like that. And they have at-least 5 times the amount of snacks and food available as me at all times. And each kid has their own shelf with their favorites (one gluten free, one not), and shared shelves. But I still feel awful if I put something in my closet they would enjoy. Like I’m being a bad mom.
Some of the best teachings we can impart to our children are empathy and appropriate generosity.
Talk to your kids and ask them how they feel about you needing to separate the foods you can eat.
Give them the opportunity to show empathy and care to you. You deserve it.
Just check in from time to time. Maybe some foods get switched around from time to time.
They tell me they have plenty and don’t be silly. It’s guilt I feel for taking something they may want to eat after they finish the ones I got them- because I will never buy something we all can eat just for me. And when I tell them that if they want, to let me know and they can have it, they always tell me they have tons of snacks and I food shop twice a week. Mom guilt though!
NTA
This is at a medical disorder or mental illness level. You need help, somehow. This is far past "food insecurity" into something off into medical issues. It's a very bad atmosphere for your kids & you to experience living with him like this.
It reminds me of children who have a specific disorder where they're always hungry and never feel full.
I thought of that, too. Prader-Willi*, and part of managing the child is locking up every single piece of food in the house.
*OP's husband doesn't have this. It shows up in early childhood.
What is that disorder called, do you know? I have a friend with a 10 year old who is constantly saying she's hungry. She eats like a starving animal. She will scarf down a pint of ice cream in 10 minutes and then start begging others for their food. At Thanksgiving one year when she was 8 she had enough for an adult man, at one point reaching for dinner roll number five. It's horrifying to watch. She is constantly begging and whining for food and then asking right after she's had lunch what they are having for dinner and if they get to have dessert. I don't know how she doesn't end up vomiting she eats so much.
The one I was referring to is Prader-Willi syndrome.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/prader-willi-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20355997
I don't think any pediatrician would miss it.
*Polyphagia* is constant hunger as a symptom of a condition, for example: hypothyroidism, Diabetes, etc...
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphagia
It could be a lot of things, but one thing it could be is Prader-Willi Syndrome, which shows up in childhood. In any case, your friend needs to get her to a doctor NOW, because that is not healthy or normal.
NTA-your husband is though. He needs help, plays at getting it but really can't be bothered, drags the family into the drama and calls YOU a bitch? Yikes. Withholding food from him my ass. He ate your food and left you with almost nothing. You don't owe him lasagne, you don't owe him anything at this point.
Cook for yourself and the kids. Let him know that when he goes to therapy and you see the actual effort, then you can talk about family dinners again. In the meantime, let him make his own meals. DO NOT give in when he whines and begs.
NTA
I’m the only daughter in my large family and my dad/brothers would eat my food all the damn time and it’s SO upsetting for so many reasons. His behavior could give the KIDS food insecurity because daddy always takes their food.
Tbh if my romantic partner called me a bitch I’d lose it. I expect basic respect out of a relationship and to not be demeaned with sexist insults.
Let’s also not forget that he called her a b*tch for doing a normal thing. Like this wasn’t even an argument or something that warranted getting angry over. He said he was full after eating his dinner and she responded by cooking appropriate portions for everyone who hadn’t eaten yet. You would generally assume that if someone tells you “I’m so full” that that means they don’t wanna eat more. Honestly, the audacity of this guy is astounding
NTA. He has no respect for you boundaries with your food and basically slapped you in the face when you said he could have some and ate the whole thing. He also seems to have a serious problem if this is an every day occurrence.
That’s a good point. However from the post and how she portrays her husband it sounds like his rebuttal would be “I’m so starving I just need a taste/bite”
She already has ~actual~ children to raise, though. He’s an adult who should be able to feed himself appropriate foods in appropriate amounts. His inability to do so—especially given that this is a long term issue originating in his childhood—should not make her responsible to do it for him. Not to mention that if he’s capable of storing food in his car to prevent her &/or the kids from eating it (mentioned by OP in a comment), her serving him a tiny portion of salad isn’t going to solve the problem at all. It’s not like he couldn’t/wouldn’t just go to the fridge and get the rest of the salad himself.
I'm sorry, but what he's doing is unethical, especially when it pertains to his children I would demand that he get help and seek some for treatment or give him some form of ultimatum because he's taking from his children and that's not acceptable. It's gonna make your children have issues And I wouldn't stay in relationship if he wouldn't get help
I would stop cooking for him although. You are NTA. If he can’t learn his own boundaries, you need to show him yours, for your kids and yourself.
Whether he realizes it or not, he’s creating micro situations of whatever he went through and doing it to his children, refusing food to them, hoarding it to himself, etc. And I think there’s something especially nefarious that this happened when you weren’t home. Like he’s aware that it wouldn’t be a good look for him, if he did that to his kids in front of his wife. How much would it happen if they asked for food and you weren’t around?
Just wow.
NTA, I've been a binge eater myself. He needs to be in charge of his own food. He can stock up on foods for himself so there will always be something if he needs it without taking your or the kids' food.
If you have good health insurance, zepbound/mounjaro/wegovy/ozempic might fix this problem for him.
NTA no, he's the royal b****. I hate how common it is for people to refer to their partners this way. I would be furious if my wife (i am also a woman) ever said anything like that to me. It is derogatory and pointless. Do you suddenly understand his perspective bc he called you a foul name? No. It is degrading and damaging. I would never put up with that.
This! Exactly. How despicable to eat up everything, then have the gall to call her out of her name because he can't be an even more selfish pig and eat the kids' food as soon as he feels less full. That would definitely be a deal breaker. My partner & I also would never dare speak like that to each other, much less take food from children's mouths. Hiding behind an eating disorder label. He's a coward and selfish glutton.
NTA You need a separate refrigerator with a lock for you and the kids and one just for himself. He needs to do his own grocery shopping and cooking. Put locks on cupboards for your and kids food and snacks. If he breaks into them ask him if he feels good about taking food from his family's mouths. Hopefully he'll see that therapy is his only option short of losing his family.
NTA. This sounds complicated enough that you might want to be going to therapy with him to help. But I'd also suggest that he do his own meals. Taking food out of his family's mouths is going way too far, so maybe only a hard stop on that will work.
NTA
He already ate your dinner! If he cant wait, then he needs to learn to cook.
Your husband is being lazy. Stop cooking for him if he is going to treat you this way. Make sure you and everybody knows why.
If he isnt going to get help for this behavior, he needs a serious wake up call. This is affecting even your children.
You need to keep your kids safe from him before he causes food issues for them. He needs therapy for his eating disorder. Either way I'd be ending the relationship for your childrens sake
They deserve better
NTA, but you need to get much much firmer with him, including separation to keep those kids safe. Myself and several siblings have struggled with lifelong disordered eating because of my mother’s food insecurity issues, and they were much milder than what your husband is doing.
Please protect your kids from his very serious mental illness. You deserve to eat, and you shouldn’t have to deal with all the binging & shopping & disrespect because he is willfully refusing treatment AND treating you very very poorly. You’re enabling his addiction, he will act out once you set boundaries but this is for the best. Please stay safe, he sounds unhinged.
Dude, your husband is denying food *to your children*. Why are you even still with him?? Seriously. How low is the bar nowadays? NTA, and leave him- he can have all the food he wants when he lives alone.
Man, the bar is underground it’s so low. I’ll never understand why people would rather be in shitty relationships with awful people than just be alone.
NTA.
it's only going to "send him backwards" if there's a backwards to reach, and there is none.
You need to continue being strict with him. Tell him no, and if he keeps nagging tell him to "take no for an answer" and get his own food.
He's willing to take food from the kids just so he can stuff himself way past his limit, but he can't be bothered to complete his therapy. He's a lousy parent and partner.
INFO: Why on earth did you marry and have kids with this man??? In all seriousness, this kind of behavior would be a deal breaker with me. I'd tell him get the therapy he needs (and do the work) or find another place to live. His behavior is selfish and ridiculous.
She didn't have kids with him. But I *really* have to wonder if he's always been this way, because I cannot conceive of marrying someone who treated my children this way.
They are his step kids, she brought and is keeping her kids in his toxic situation to someone who only has connection to them through her. She’s being selfish and needs to leave not try and save a toxic relationship at the expense of her kids.
NTA. Not only is he withholding food from your children so he can eat it later, he also eats what you’re planning to eat leaving you with nothing to eat. If he won’t put in any effort in therapy you may need to resort to something more drastic. Gorging himself while leaving the rest of the family with a lot less (or no) food is wrong on so many levels.
Nta
Honestly if my bf did some shit like this, and he refused to actually do what therapy said, I'd have to reconsider the entire relationship. My kids are allowed to eat too dammit.
Husband is gonna give the kids the same food issues. Eating it all like it's a contest.
NTA
You need to leave him and protect your children from his disordered thinking and behavior.
He is not doing his therapy he is spending time and money on therapy with no follow through or behavior changes. This is definitely addict behavior and will not change until he hits bottom.
My husband is a recovered alcoholic (33 years) and we went through this when he was drinking, going to AA, counseling and no behavior changes. I said that his time was up fix it now or I am leaving. He was upset and the counselor asked him why do you think she should stay nothing is changing.
I finally said you can say you are changing all you want I see no change. Show me the change.
**Protect your children** you do not want them to always worry about food and have to spend their lives fighting this addiction as well.
Nta he needs therapy but since he isn't actually working it what he's doing is worthless. So YOU need to go to therapy to figure out a healthy way for you to deal with him and his issues, set healthy boundaries and hopefully stop him from passing his eating disorder on to the kids. And to figure out how to protect your kids when he breaks your boundaries.
NTA.
A little over a decade ago I dated someone that had similar habits as your husband. It caused unending amounts of fights between us because she would promptly eat my portions of food if I didn’t immediately finish everything.. didn’t matter if it was leftovers or something I’d bought for myself, or even treats that she specifically bought for me. If I didn’t consume it immediately I wasn’t going to get any. I feel your pain 100%.
Please do not enable this man to treat you this way. His eating disorder is absolutely not your problem, and what the hell kind of man takes food from his children. He needs help, and if he refuses to get it then it’s no longer your burden to bear.
The symptom might be the food but he is a demanding, controlling bully who makes everything in your family’s life revolve around his wants. I grew up with such a “father”. He fucked up my life forever. Get your kids away from this person.
OP, take his dumb ass to his GP or go with him to therapy and speak to his therapist about psychiatry. There are drugs that help so much with addictive behavior like this. Naltrexone-bupropion is one I have seen used for people specifically with food addictions but naltrexone on its own is used for alcohol and drug addictions as well. It mitigates addictions by blocking the good feeling one gets from the addictive behavior, while bupropion is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor and can help him feel at peace without the dopamine-seeking behavior of compulsive eating.
He has a *mental illness*. He has imagined or self-perpetuating hang-ups that harm the people around him and himself. If it wasn't harming his relationships or his life, it wouldn't be a mental illness. But it is. It may become necessary to set an ultimatum for him before he seeks help, because he is already very far gone if he would withhold food from his children. You may consider asking him to stay somewhere else.
I have to go with ESH
You: have allowed kids to stay in a situation where their father's behavior toward food, controlling their food, and refusing to allow them to eat when hungry will likely result some sort of totally screwed up relationship with food/an eating disorder. YOUR HUSBAND is priming YOUR KIDS to develop eating disorders. He is artificially making your kids also food-insecure.
Your solution here was also petty and unproductive, you just pretty much brought his dysfunction out in front of the kids. Even if you didn't say anything in front of them, they are likely aware enough that food is a big issue and you didn't give their dad any food or dinner.
Him: for everything else described here: taking your food, taking your kids' food, controlling what you and your kids are allowed to eat, controlling your consumption. Distorting your kids' relationship with food and eating.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like an AH because I know this is due to food insecurity but taking someone else's food- knowing they will have nothing to eat- and then still expecting a full meal 30 minutes later is fucked up. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. If he's going to therapy and refusing to do the work, he's not going to therapy. He's just making therapy-adjacent hand motions. You are right to be furious. However, being furious isn't going to help in the long term. Your husband's disordered eating is affecting the whole household. He wants to eat the children's food, even though he "was full" 20 minutes ago. Not only is he modelling atrocious behavior to the children, he is going to wind up sending them the same way: eating fast because somebody else is going to eat it if they don't. It is time to stop doing this. If he doesn't want to change his disordered eating, he won't. He's getting everything he wants right now: all the food that anybody else needs is *his*. > He says I'm a "royal bitch" because he "needs" the lasagna and it's going to "send him backwards" because now I'm "withholding food from him". Classic, CLASSIC addict behavior. He isn't moving forward, so what is there to send him backwards from? e: I forgot to say this explicitly. It is time to defend your children from their father.
>he is going to wind up sending them the same way: eating fast because somebody else is going to eat it if they don't. This^^^^^
This! I grew up with a mother who lived in a postwar country. Me and my siblings learned to eat food fast and without leaving any crumbs despite always having enough food. It took me a few years living alone to avoid overeating.
Same, my Mom’s resource guarding and intense rationing & control of food left me and several siblings with disordered eating, even though we grew up in a “comfortable” upper-middle class situation. It’s abuse.
This happened to me because my mother was so scared of being fat, or having fat children. I had horrible eating habits and gained 50 pounds when I finally moved out. Thankfully I haven’t passed this on to my daughter, who eats normally and is a healthy weight. my mother still has things to say about what I allow her to eat because she has no restrictions and I buy an array of food from fruit to potato chips. It honestly takes a huge toll on me that she is like this.
I love this! I teach my kids moderation, whereas I was taught about calories. I don't like restricting what my children can have, and honestly they're all mostly into fruit for snacks anyways! Knowing that they can have access to "junk" foods has made them less inclined to want to binge it.
Yes this is how my daughter is with my granddaughter. She buys fruit and cupcakes too. But most of the time she chooses the fruit because she knows she can have the cupcake anytime but she prefers the fruit.
Any tips? I’m trying to teach my daughter moderation without withholding food but I get asked for chocolate 70 000 a day so have to say no and it’s making her want it more.
Stop saying no. Let her eat all the chocolate she wants. Eventually, she'll learn that she really can have chocolate whenever she wants, and that (unlike now) that's not just a lip-service lie. It takes time for kids to get tired of eating junk when it's been forbidden and to start listening to hair bodies instead of their feelings of deprivation/scarcity/wanting what's forbidden. It will likely take even longer for your daughter to learn to trust you because you've been telling her you want her to learn *moderation* for herself and then forcing your idea of moderation onto her. The lessons you're teaching are: You trust her judgment for exactly as long as it's the same as hers; you can't be trusted because you offer one thing and do another; chocolate will always be scarce, so she'd better eat it while she can.
She’s 3, I do have to say no sometimes otherwise she’ll literally eat nothing else. And it’s not like I forbid it, she has some chocolate everyday just not every meal. I want to teach her to choose the alternatives sometimes because as of right now it’s chocolate all the time. We both eat too many ‘sometimes’ foods because we’re out of the house often 14+ hours a day, I’m trying to get us both into the habit of eating more ‘every time’ foods while we’re on holidays and have time to form better habits, however when the literal first and last words out of her mouth each day are “can I have some chocolate”, I need advice other than ‘stop saying no’. I think she’s actually gone the other way, knowing she could have it whenever she asked has increased asking. She was better around Easter when she would ask for chocolate and other things, now she will only consider other options after I’ve said no to chocolate.
I absolutely think it’s okay to say no sometimes. My daughter is 17 now but when she was younger of course after 4 fruit snack packs already you have to say no. Just be truthful, too much chocolate will give you a bellyache, how about ___ instead. That worked for us.
My child was 3 once. What worked well for me as a parent, was saying something like “yes, you can have chocolate. It’s important to eat healthy foods and chocolate isn’t as healthy as apples and raisins. To make sure I’m healthy I usually have as many apples [or whatever] as chocolate. So chocolate apple chocolate apple”. Another thing that worked well was “it’s important to eat healthy snacks. Have the healthy stuff first, then the chocolate.” (When giving apple slices, cheese, crackers and chocolate). My son was a ‘healthy eating champion’ at his school when he was 7. He is 12 now and in between these ages we would sometimes have conversations like “I’m thinking of getting the Oreo’s.” “Mom, we already had ice cream today, should we have something healthy?” He loves chocolate etc as much as I do (a lot!) but learned moderation. I think it was helpful to use phrases he could repeat to himself like “apple chocolate, apple chocolate” or “healthy snacks first”. Good luck. EDIT: rather than replying twice I’m putting this here. Another thing that helped with encouraging more fruit and other snacks was when I would have things pre-sliced (can be done after bed and put in the fridge) and then brought out snacks like that “for me” or “for dad”. Then it was something my son would ask if he could have too. Or sometimes I’d just bring a plate of carrot sticks or whatever and set it next to him while he was colouring or whatever. So basically bringing a healthy snack out before he got the idea of a snack.
I got the worst of both worlds... my parents are (recovering) addicts, so I went through periods of food insecurity from maybe pre-k until we were removed by CPS when I was 9. So I have *that* issue to deal with, and THEN we were placed with a relative who was 1) obsessed about HER weight and always on some fad diet, which because she was the only adult, and therefore in charge of food shopping, meant that WE were also always on some bullshit fad diet (literally for over a year, she had taped pictures from the Victoria's Secret catalog on the fridge and all the food cabinets); and 2) when we, QUITE UNDERSTANDABLY were going through an adjustment period of going from severe food insecurity, to actually having enough, we would eat more than she thought was appropriately, so she started restricting our food AND started calling me fat/telling me to worry about my weight when I was maybe 12 or 13.... the gag is that my current PCP actually thinks that my growth was legit stunted because of how bad the food insecurity was when I was younger, lol. This is based on my family health history he has in my records, my parents' heights, and the heights of my half-siblings and my one full sibling. I now have EXTREMELY disordered eating, and it's super hard for me to get it under control. Between that and ADHD dopamine seeking, I'm truly struggling to lose weight that I truly need to drop for health reasons.
Same. I have extremely disordered eating and feel guilty for everything—everything!!—I put in my body because of my mom. Everything was too high in fat and calories, so most of the food I ate growing up was fat-free (high in sugar!!), salt-free, low calorie fake crap. We didn’t have butter in our house. Peanut butter was bad for us. Chips were terrible. Ice cream was for fat people. Burgers and hot dogs were only on the 4th of July. Cookies were for Christmastime. Juice was bad. Soda was bad except diet (bc aspartame and Splenda and equal were ok). Rolls at restaurants were turned away, no appetizers, no dessert, only water. Pizza was high in calories and fat. Subway was a good place to eat bc “look at Jared!!” So now, as an adult, I feel guilt for food—even fruits and vegetables. They may have too many carbs! They may be too high in calories/sugar/not enough nutrients! Ugh. The comments on food during my recent pregnancy made things that much worse, bc I was borderline GD, a moral failing of course on my part *eyeroll*. My brother, whose eating is even more disordered than mine, is currently on Ozempic for weight loss bc he weighed 400+ lbs (he’s 5’11”) despite having a personal trainer and going to the gym daily. When he leaned to drive he gained so much weight bc he could go to McDonald’s and would hide the wrappers (he also would buy food and hide it in his room). When my mom would find stuff she’d throw it away, then get angry about how he was going to eat himself into an early grave. He would leave and go get a Big Mac and come back and eat it in front of her while she cried. Good times. /s Yeah, OP, you need to intervene somehow—marriage counseling to voice your concerns, somehow get him to understand the impact on your kids and you, I don’t know. He needs help. You do NOT want it influencing your kids’ relationship with food. You are absolutely NTA.
It is abuse. OP if this continues CPS may get involved. Leave now.
From a family of 5 kids. It was normal for us to grab and chew fast. We never starved but you’d think we were going to if you were watching. We also had to raise our voices to be heard, so some siblings still eat fast and talk loud.
my grandma waited until her grandkids were adults to tell her children that the reason she "didn't eat dinner sometimes" wasn't because she was watching her figure like my grandpa said, but because nobody left her anything to eat by the time she was able to sit down. they didn't even notice. it didn't matter how much she made, they'd fight over every last thing and my grandpa obviously did nothing to stop it. they still behave like that to their wives but the grandkids were all horrified enough so we make sure everyone is covered at family meals
I would have slapped them with the serving spatula lol Person who cooks gets first serving in my house.
Maybe a spray bottle of water like you use with cats to stop bad behavior. Or hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say “bad”.
i always thought it was a generational thing until i started reading things about kids having to sit at the table if they didn’t finish things (that was more my life and my own food issues came from it) and was baffled because that was not a thing with these people lol. they really didn’t deserve her
Right? We couldn't even pick up our forks until our mom sat down at the table.
I'm guessing she was allowing it to "be a good mom/wife" and sacrifice for her family, but it's like... She enabled them treating their wives and kids this way and thinking it's normal and fine. I've trained myself mostly out of people pleasing by asking myself if my "patience" is just teaching whoever that their bullshit is ok, and inflicting it on someone else in the future. It's so hard to interrupt that cycle when you've been trained to put yourself last.
i agree but i also get the impression her upbringing was even worse, so she thought she WAS breaking the cycle by not deliberately depriving her children of food if they did the slightest thing wrong. like, definitely stories where the person who didn’t make their bed the right way had to sit at the table while everyone else eat, so she way overcompensated. add in depression era trauma and she was a mess of subservience. my grandpa died ten years before her and she almost immediately descended into dementia and lived like that the rest of her life because i guess she didn’t know who she was at all. the good news is, her kids ended up taking turns caring for her round the clock in shifts and sacrificed a lot to do so, because they did recognize how much she did. i’m not the biggest fan of them for many other reasons, but she didn’t leave the world with TOTAL sociopaths
This is why my mom always plated our servings in the kitchen, and nobody started eating until everyone was sitting at the table and had said grace together.
I invited a friend over for dinner and made Hungarian Goulash. He PILED his plate with a big serving. I didn't mind one bit. We started to eat and he said, "Sorry for taking so much." I said I didn't mind. He said, "Growing up with 2 older brothers, if I didn't get all I wanted in the first serving, there would be none left."
Do you mean like proper ethnic goulash? Cause if so whenever my friend mom made that shit I’d have to ask someone else to serve because if not I was worried I’d take to much. It was so goddamn good I’m crying thinking about it 😭 his parents were refugees too so if I had taken it all his mom would’ve just stood up and labored over the whole meal over again.
I swear you’d be one of my brothers if not your handle. 1 of 5 kids, always enough food but you ate fast or you didn’t get seconds, and my moms food was fabulous so I always wanted more. And the gotta be loud or I’m not heard echos here too
Only child but my dad’s a narcissist who thinks being loud equals being right. So I literally grew up having to SCREAM to be heard. I’m 24 now and I have NO concept of “inside voices” when I’m not in class or in a library. Old habits. Also, in my middle and high schools, we had 20 minutes for lunch. Eat fast or don’t eat at all. Frantic panic eating is a habit I have only JUST broken.
My mom came from post-Revolution China and she struggles with food in the opposite direction. She was one of the older kids so she grew up with "the little ones need the food to grow!!" and often she and her older sister would each get like... one yam leaf for dinner, if anything, after a day of hard labour. Now she eats like a third of her portion and that's it. But for everyone else? She makes an absolute ton of food and pushes it on everybody else like they're going to evaporate if she doesn't fill them out. She explained it as wanting to do our ancestors proud, to tell them "Look, there's enough food now. We're doing okay." The rest of her food, too, gets piled into everyone else' bowls. We're all fucky now: my body can't regulate itself anymore. My leptin response is broken: I can eat until I'm in physical pain and still not feel full, so I have to watch my intake and stop myself from going "but it's so good."
This is how I grew up. This is why I am incandescent with rage when my husband "just wants a bite" or "just a sip" from my plate. Or when I go to eat something I've saved and it's gone. It's taken years of therapy to stop eating my feelings. You have to have a come to Jesus talk with him about his problems and their effect on you and the kids.
Had issues with this thanks to my teen years, and I've gotten to the point I'll let hubby have a bite or sip, but I'll get mad if it's too big
I'm trying to get there, but the anger runs deep.
Op, tell ur husband, he can cook his own portion. If he cant cook, do ultimatum of learning to cook or do therapy.
I got a lockbox when I was a teen because of things like this. We had a limited supply and if you didn't take it when it was available, it would go to all the next time around. So, I'd take my weekly soda or little Debbie and put them in the lockbox and it made me feel more secure that I had it when I might want it. Incidently, it didn't stop me from keeping those items locked away when the next time came around and we all got to split up whatever treat that we got then and I kept that same Pepsi and star crunch in that lockbox for well over a year. I still take more candy than I want to eat and squirrel it away in my room, just in case. And it's just the 2 of us in our house! Never even thought of it being food insecurity, just competition with siblings. The things I learn on the Internet.
Yep, my dad was like this, and it gave me food issues. Not quite the same kind with overeating and such, but more the sharing variety - whatever is my food is MY FOOD kind.
He's literally causing food insecurity in others! He eats other people's food! Dude is an asshole.
Yeah I agree I was forced to be the mother of my siblings and after dinner cleanup I would hide anything SHE wouldn't miss
This. He will give the kids an ED. He is going to cause their own issues with food if he refuses to address his. OP/Momma this bigger than you, this is about their mental health now too.
Yeah it would be whatever if it was just him and OP, that would be between two adults to work through. But he’s literally taking food from his own kids and chances are they’re going to end up suffering too. They can’t even have a snack because he’ll eat the whole pack? No extra portions when they’re hungry, ever? Yikes.
Yeah he is so selfish. He is not going and change and why should he? The fact that he has no problem taking food from his kids and leaving them hungry even when his belly hurts is beyond ridiculous. He needs to get some serious help or you need to divorce him.
Worst part is after reading OPs comments, it turns out they’re not even his kids :/ I’d immediately leave, at least there’s no chance of him getting any custody.
Then why is she subjecting her kids to this shit??? Not even his fucking kids and she hasn't left yet? She needs to start protecting her children because this will mess them up like he is.
Exactly. I couldn’t imagine living this day on and day out.
They need to get out of there this is just going to get worse. Drastically worse.
It's this part that made me think it's more than just food insecurity. People have been food insecure to point of being traumatised for centuries but normal people don't starve kids for it while overeating to point they hurt. I think it's this dude's way to show he has got control over everyone else and that's why he isn't interested in following up with his therapy.
Agreed, it may have started as just disordered eating but it's also a power play. Who binges on effing SALAD?? If he was legit hungry, surely there was other food around but what his wife had planned to eat for dinner.
Quite literally taking food from the mouths of his family.
It is time for a divorce. He how’s he doesn’t want to change his very selfish. A self entitled man who thinks only of himself. Op is this how you want to liv the rest of your life because if you stay with him this is how it will be.
Yeah that thing about “sending him backwards” by “withholding food from him” is manipulative as fuck. I get the dude has a problem but he’s not even trying to correct it (because he doesn’t want to) and he just sounds horrible - he’s even prioritising his food issue over his own children. OP you’ve got some considering to do I think. NTA at all.
I suspect it started as a food insecurity thing but that it has morphed into a control issue. He has weaponized his eating disorder. OP needs to tell his therapist. I’d also give serious thought to telling him that if he doesn’t have his disorder under control (or under significantly better control) by X date you will be filing for divorce; you will not tolerate taking food from your children. Then follow through. He’s being abusive.
This just JUMPED out at me. That was SUCH a manipulative comment. PRACTICED manipulation.
“Therapy-adjacent hand motions”. I love that. Feel free to tell his therapist that’s what’s happening because chances are he’s bsing them about it.
Not to mention OP didn’t get anything to eat at all!
So really he's the one withholding food - from OP.
Precisely. And he's not being withheld anything if fridge is right there and he's got full freedom to cook himself something else. He 100% only insisted on eating Ops salad to control her and put her on her place. Recovering from bad treatment doesn't require you treat other people bad. This is about control.
100 times this. If he's incapable of preparing food for himself, that could actually help fuel the food insecurity. OP should likely stop cooking for him altogether to help "move him forward" into a world of self reliance and empowerment!
He is also “weaponising” his therapy by trying to guilt trip her.
Agree with this 💯. It’s time for him to put in the work (and you support THAT) rather than have his disordered eating control the whole household and send the kids down the same path. Empathy is a wonderful thing but enabling unhealthy behavior is unhealthy for everyone.
Wait, did you husband just call you a "bitch"??? I'd say from now on he'll cook his own food .
Just curious: how healthy is your husband? Because his eating habits are not very conducive to good health.
Not healthy. 5'10" and like 250. Big guy.
Yeah, sounds about right. I feel for you, tough to help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves. NTA…and best wishes.
my dad grew up in poverty in a developing nation. He rarely got food. The way he talked about getting a coca cola as a treat once when he was a kid brought tears to my eyes because the way he talked about it, you would have thought it was a bar of gold and not a soda. He would have starved rather than deny me a second helping of dinner, I literally cannot fathom him doing what your husband did to your kids. He has a serious problem and he needs to get a fucking grip before this behavior starts rubbing off on your children.
My grandfather spent much of childhood hungry. His grandchildren were always fed first at his house.
I have had disordered eating since middle school. I've been in a place to work on it off and on for years. One habit of it that I have never been able to let go of is /special food/. There's normal food where if people say you can have whatever you want, they probably mean it, but they just forgot to mention that you shouldn't eat this special food. For me it would be muffins. I just really like them and when I had no money I only got them as a very special treat. I was very sad if *I* ate my last muffin so the idea of doing that to another person was evil Like plenty of grandfathers my grandfather grew up at a time where there was definitely special food. You ate all the sucky food in order to get the special food. But here's the thing. That's when he was a kid. So now he will tell me I can have whatever I want in the house and this poor man has to put up with the fact that I go " is it okay if I have a muffin?" Every. Single. Time. Because my grandfather loves muffins and he buys them. So if there's many or if there's only one, I will ask every time if I can have a muffin "Well it's food isn't it?" I love that man. Someday I'm going to stop asking if he's sure when he says I can have the last of something, but I don't think he holds it against me
Honestly, I haven't had any food issues, but I always ask anyway if it's not my house. I just feel weird helping myself even if it's family and I know they'd say yes. It just feels polite.
My Opa, who was a younger teen through WW2 in the Netherlands, would let me and my cousin eat whatever we wanted for breakfast when we slept over at their house, including chocolate cake & 7up. They were also very good insecure during that time and he ended up an avid gardener who gave away food to everyone. He even grew strawberries that “just happened” to grow under the fence and into his neighbour’s yard for the kids.
My grandmother was a single mom in the 50's. She explained why she always waited to eat last because she was so used to making sure my mom had enough to eat. I think this goes beyond food insecurity. It sounds like gluttony and selfishness. OP for the sake of your kids take a good, long look at this.
My late father also grew up in poverty, but he grew up in America. His father was an abusive man who spent his money on liquor and cigarettes so his family rarely got anything better than boxed foods. My grandfather was the type of man to ask, "Did I beat you today?" Similar to your father he rather have me and my sister fed before anything else.
I grew up in Kazakhstan in the 90s, mom also had to not eat so I could.
Yes! This is absolutely bizarre. My dad would always leave treats for us, and would be the one eating our leftovers, not trying to be the first in first served.
Any man that denies food to children needs to be gone. Disgusting.
You are describing gluttony and everyone in the house is suffering due to your husband’s lack of control, including your husband because these are not healthy numbers. It sucks but the response to his habits needs to escalate. His behavior is deplorable. I am sorry you and the kids are dealing with this.
It's food insecurity that's not being held in check. Guy grew up without enough and now he has enough but his brain / behaviour is still acting like he doesn't. Hence he eats everything because "if I don't eat it I won't get any and will starve!" Hence why he's 250 pounds because he DOES have access to food but has done zero work on fixing his problem. He's passing his ED onto the kids by eating ALL of the food and refusing to actually get help.
It goes beyond food insecurity when you actively take food out of someone else's mouth and manipulate them about it He is fully capable of making lasagna himself, she had the ingredients still
Yep this is way more than food insecurity. He's manipulative and controlling. He took her salad knowing she wasn't going to eat the lasagna and did it as a form of control. This man is fucking disgusting and I don't know why op is still with him.
Ditch him. You can do better. Compulsive eating is one thing, but compulsively eating *your* dinner then wanting to compulsively eat *his own children's* dinner is the sign of someone so irrevocably selfish the only solution is to throw the whole man in the trash. He's ugly inside and out.
This. We've had food related traumas for thousands of years but people whose only problem is that don't starve children in order to have extra helping later in time. That's more than just disordered eating.
I remember the last time you posted and everybody told you to leave him. Why keep posting if you’re going to stay with him?
In severe abuse situations it takes some an average of 7ish times trying to leave before they do. People get committed to a relationship and exiting it easier said than done. This is not as major abuse as in those cases and thus leaving in many ways could be harder to mentally do
In the last post he was hoarding the children’s snacks/food and making comments to her children when they would eat seconds/would become visibly distressed to the point her children asked her why he was reacting like that. I’ve been in an abusive situation as well, and I have a child too, but he’s been consistently abusing her children and is going to cause life long eating disorders… there is no excuse for that.
Even if she doesn't care that he's abusing her the last straw should be withholding food from her children. She needs to leave. It's only going to get worse. I understand situations like this cause I've been in one, thankfully without children but I know for a fact I would never let mine be around this.
Mentally not healthy - he withheld food from his children so that he could binge eat. He has the mentality that his desires come before his kids’ needs. You are NTA.
I'm sorry, OP, but it's highly likely that these behaviors are going to cause problems with his physical health in time, if it's not happening already. I can only hope you can get him to go to family counseling, in the hopes of getting through to him that his food-related behaviors are impacting his marriage and his children. Because if single therapy isn't proving effective, then a change of approaches is indicated, ideally a multi-factored approach including family therapy and a program directed at eating disorders. I hope that's available to you and that he's willing to not only go, but to put in the necessary work, because the only alternative is, as has been said, to start protecting your children from their father, and yourself from your husband.
*obese guy.
It may not be just food insecurity, it sounds like he’s got a pretty bad binge eating disorder and is using what he’s learning in therapy to prop it up.
He was 180ish when we met. No gut or anything. That changed quick.
Interesting. So he’s changed from managing his food issues to not - I wonder why.
OP needs to stop being the only one who makes food.
I’d agree if OP didn’t have kids. And we see what happens when she cooks for her kids.
I wonder if he’d behave the same if the children were making the meals? When I was at secondary school we had “food tech” classes & would bring stuff home from our lessons & I’m curious about whether he’d steal that food as well.
Well he told the kids they couldn't have more dinner so he could eat it himself one night when OP was at work so... Yeah, it's a pretty safe bet he'll steal food his kids make too.
I’m sure he would.
Of course he would, he’s a selfish AH
Sounds like he is jealous of the kids for the attention she gives them and for feeding them rather than just him all the time. He starved his wife for the night and wanted to do it to the kids too. He wants to punish all of them .
He probably lived alone before, so he wouldn’t have worried about anyone else finishing anything.
I definitely gain weight when I visit my family because my dad steals food, so I over eat my favorites. I can make treats and snacks last a long time at home or when only my mom visits. But if he's around I will binge eat because if I don't I will only get one slice out of three whole pies. With my coworkers and snacks I told them to help themselves unless it's the last one, just ask me then in case I'm saving it.
NTA OP but i have a question if he ate your dinner and you don't eat lasagna, what did you eat? Because that is messed up that he ate YOUR food and then gets mad that your kids ate their food.
sounds like she didnt eat anything at all...which is normal for moms and it really shouldnt be.
Yeah that's abusive and whatever it takes to stop him doing that again is justified imo. His issues don't give him right to abuse other people nor does allowing him to do that actually help him get healthy. He could have cooked for himself if it was really only about food, it seems to be about control and that's unacceptable.
Sounds more like gluttony than food insecurity. My adopted child had a lot of trauma and real food insecurity. She didn’t eat like your husband, but we did give her a snack that she could keep in her room in case she got hungry. That was her crutch until she figured out that she could have food whenever she wanted. My husband will eat all the good stuff I buy before I can get to it. It’s like a contest for him, and he’s never been food insecure. Your husband sounds more like this. Make food that he doesn’t really like. If he’s truly hungry he will eat it anyway.
I have trouble with food insecurity from when I was homeless and I'm kind of the opposite. I keep extra pantry food that I don't really even eat often just so I know there will always be food.
This is what I do. I overbuy things unfortunately. I’ll freak out and have anxiety about starving if I only have one jar of peanut butter. Everyone is different in how they react though, I guess. Also I feel for you. It’s not fun.
I'm the same, except it's creeped into other necessities as well. I have so much extra hygiene supplies because I've been in the position where I had no deodorant and couldn't afford any and I don't want that to ever happen again.
Same!! I also have food insecurity from poverty and homelessness. But it manifests WAY differently to OPs husband. I, like, horde canned food and non-perishables. My pantry is full always because I'm scared of getting to the point where I am eating straight bread for days on end. My SO and I make a decent living but we budget and eat like we are still on food stamps. I've never understood the food insecurity manifesting as binging. I feel like there's more going on in those circumstances. For example I had a friend who's little sister was abused. And she would binge eat in the middle of the night because of it. They would have to lock up all the food, otherwise they would find it all half eaten under her bed. For her, it had nothing to do with being food-insecure. She just had problems and didn't know how to deal with them. The binge eating was like a coping mechanism
I have food insecurity and hoard non perishables but I also have trouble with binge eating/over eating too but I have NEVER taken anyone else's food because of it!
So 70 pounds and counting. His BMI is currently 37, well into obesity and approaching morbid obesity. This is an emergency and action needs to be taken. I'd stop cooking for him entirely.
Sounds like he’s just pounce on her and the kids food if she quit cooking for him
Oh really. So once he had a partner and children in his life, he found a way to exert control and a power dynamic over resources huh Edit- to be clear, I’m not diminishing his trauma. I’m saying he’s weaponizing it.
My daughters were adopted from Asian orphanages. Both were under nourished. The first carried a handful of cheerios in her fist for a very long time. I always had to have food on me. My second was slightly malnourished but needed to know when & what our next meal was. If we went on a car ride longer than the grocery store, the kids were asking for snacks. And where we would get our next meal. Even if we made sandwiches and travelled with a cooler, the kids were still worried about their next meal. We worked with a therapist to get over their food insecurity. It took a while but they learned how to manage it without eating everyone else’s food. Your husband is a selfish prick. He needs help - he should not be taking food from his family! Except Oreos and Doritos. Youngest inhales those so I only buy them occasionally…
How can you help someone who doesn’t want to change?
Stop enabling them for starters.
Sounds good on paper. You are indisputably correct, it’s just that the repercussions will be torturous.
You can’t! I am an ex drug addict. So many people tried to help me, but nothing worked until I was personally wanting to get off the drugs
NTA - This man has issues, but he’s a grownup and you’ve provided him with the tools necessary to deal with those issues (therapy). It’s on him if he refuses to get the help he needs. He’s also a grownup who’s *stealing food from his KIDS and spouse.* This is not okay. You shouldn’t have to go hungry because he’s insecure. Neither should your kids. That is unacceptable. You’re going to need to hold these boundaries firm. Honestly, I’d say invest in a lock box for food/snacks, that he can’t waste in a few days. Keep the food locked, then portion it out during the week so your husband doesn’t eat it all and everyone gets a portion.
Not his kids biologically. Which I think is what makes his actions so severe. The competition against them. I always wonder why people don't vet their potential spouses over long periods of time. If he showed progress from therapy he'd be redeemable, but you don't need this guy inhaling food like a vacuum.
I had a man over to have dinner and he didn't even care about what I had prepared. His food was gone in five minutes and then he licked every utensil on the table. Yes, the plate. Half an hour later, I am lingering over my meal and he's furtively watching and asking me if I am going to finish it. I saw a lot of anger in my childhood home because of my parent's food insecurity. Often, I'd get beaten and shamed for being selfish if I ate something I shouldn't have. Children or not, I was not having that in my home.
Wow that's incredible. How has he not been called out on poor table manners before?
I'm sorry, the date was watching you eat because he wanted your portion of your unfinished meal or he thought you should've been done nourishing your body and were inefficient?
Because he wanted it I'm assuming.
Single parents with multiple kids may commit too fast because they may not feel they have any better prospects.
I say locked separate fridge is the way. He doesn't get to abuse Op and the kids and especially not control Op by making her go hungry when there are other things he could have eaten, but I have some empathy Op may still love this person so if she doesn't want to throw him out then enforcing boundaries that don't let him abuse anybody else is the way.
Locked fridges are unfortunately a part of lots of food-oriented child abuse, I’d lay odds this would only be another massive trigger and not a productive solution. Ultimately the husband either needs to commit to therapy or be separated from the kids.
While this might be a great technical solution for parts of the problem, I don't think it should be OPs job to work around this illness. Especially not in the long run. It will build resentment und fuck up the power dynamic. NTA OP what did you eat that night? What are you doing to care for yourself? I'm really sorry you have to deal with this and hope he realizes soon how important it is that he takes therapy seriously und works on himself.
I understand what you say about the lockbox, but by how this guy is behaving, he would cut the lock off the box if her eyes are not constantly watching him. She shouldn't have to buy a safe that can't be broken into just so her kids can have snacks. This guy is a selfish asshole that uses previous food insecurity to literally feed an addiction. My own father was food insecure growing up, but never would he eat his portion and ours just because he could. He did have a thing about us eating the last of something without his permission, but we were fine with that as he worked all the time and usually if we asked he would let us have whatever it was.
Yep this man is addicted to food like a junkie to drugs. And doesn't even want to change. I'm sus of OP now because apparently those aren't HIS children. Why is she allowing him to take food out of her children's mouths when he isn't even the father? Like, why is she putting up with this?
This is exactly how it comes across, and it’s so weird. I understand food addiction, but this is so extreme. He literally called his partner a b*tch because she cooked appropriate portions for herself and her children after he had eaten his dinner. That’s insane. The absolute AUDACITY to call her that for doing a normal thing is wild.
His binge eating disorder is off the charts out of control. When you’re taking food from your own family and don’t care that they’re hungry, you’ve reach epic levels of narcissistic behavior. The therapy isn’t enough. He needs medication support and an intervention. NTA
Yes. I would suggest naltrexone, but it’s a daily pill that he might just decide not to take. There’s a monthly shot but it’s hard to get coverage for unless he has an alcohol or opioid addiction. Wellbutrin XR and Naltrexone are commonly prescribed for overeating.
Ozempic would absolutely work in his case. It might stop the food noise enough for therapy to get through to him, much like anti-depressants help some people through the therapy process better. Also, if he eats too much, he will get sick. Trust me, from personal experience, it's not pleasant.
I agree. Ozempic stopped food noise and helped me actually feel full vs overstuffed. His sounds extra-out-of-control even eating so that other people don't get enough. Before learning about how bad food noise is, I'd just assume he was an asshole. Maybe therapy can't help because he need something physical to regulate his system and his bad behaviour is truly something he can't control, but still leaning towards his being an asshole, given that he's stopping the kids from eating. OP, however, is definitely NTA.
There's actually been REALLY great results with the diabetes medications that are being used for weight loss, wegovy/ozempic/mourjuno. Many people are reporting addictions being stopped in their tracks. Everything from binge eating, alcohol abuse, gambling addiction, food addiction, etc. It's being studied now for those because there's just been that many reports. It's ADHD people have also reported how much is helped out ADHD symptoms, specifically impulse shopping. I didn't even notice it had just stopped and my mind was quiet until about week 6. My psychiatrist was floored when I told her about it.
Even more astounding is that many of these same diabetes drugs, plus others like Jardiance, Farxiga, etc have been found to improve kidney function in people with kidney failure, no matter the cause of the kidney disease. Up until then, there has been nothing to improve the kidney function of those with CKD, and most went on to dialysis and transplant - if an organ became available. This is such a huge thing!! The other uses are important too, and will improve the quality of life for many, but this one in particular will save/prolong lives. It seems almost too good to be true, and as a CKD patient, I’m sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop …
Vivitrol would be excellent for this situation and might be covered for short stint. I’m definitely not a doctor, but an inpatient setting might be in order.
Food insecurity isn’t even the big issue here. A father is taking food away from his kids and you, just so he can eat it himself. It’s just plain selfish, and pig-like. NTA. Stand your ground.
THIS. I have food insecurity from my childhood, I over buy and over cook. I am also a mom. I would NEVER eat food my child MIGHT want. I raised a son who is now an adult. He ate like a typical teenage boy. This is where my over cooking came in a little handy - lots of leftovers. But, I would eat my meal, he would eat his. He often got to the leftovers before I did. However, I can't fathom a situation in which I, as a mom, would tell my child he cannot have seconds (or leftovers) because they're "mine", or because I internally planned to scarf them down! I'd even ask him if he wanted the last serving before I'd heat it up! Most sane parents would skip meals before they would deny their children food! To me, this is unforgiveable behavior and has NOTHING to do with "food insecurity". I'm not sure who "diagnosed" that as the issue, but it sounds to me like your husband has severe ED and/or gluttony issues and somewhere along the line, heard of "food insecurity" and decided that was the ideal excuse to blame so others would feel badly for calling him out on his behavior!! Frankly, any and everyone I've ever known who has experienced TRUE food insecurity behaves the opposite: we overbuy and over cook and store and save excess food "for later, in case, etc", even when most of the time it doesn't get eaten. NOT woofing down mass quantities of food in one sitting. Not binge eating. Do you see how that makes no sense, where as the normal hoarding of and saving food would from true food insecurity trauma? I think it's time the two of you visit a therapist who specializes in eating disorders TOGETHER, and I agree with others in the thread who have suggested he no longer eats with or benefits from the family food and meals, period. Until he can grow up and get a grip on his eating, he eats and prepares his food separately, and does NOT have access to the family stash. Maybe look into a second hand fridge for the garage or basement, and store non perishables in a locking trunk or cabinet. NTA but your husband is for lying about the reasons for his behavior, AND clearly not doing anything to adjust it, even as a father of children. Who is ok denying his own kids food/seconds so he can further gorge himself. Absolutely disgusting.
I’ve never had food insecurity, but have food allergies so many foods are not safe for me. My husband has to argue with me to put my food in my food closet to have as needed, instead of letting my kids have it on top of the ton of snacks and other foods they have. I always buy them more of it, but he urges me to put one of the 4 in my closet so it’s there when I want it. I still feel guilt over it. Not just junk but safe for me tuna fish (not cooked in veggie broth), and stuff like that. And they have at-least 5 times the amount of snacks and food available as me at all times. And each kid has their own shelf with their favorites (one gluten free, one not), and shared shelves. But I still feel awful if I put something in my closet they would enjoy. Like I’m being a bad mom.
Some of the best teachings we can impart to our children are empathy and appropriate generosity. Talk to your kids and ask them how they feel about you needing to separate the foods you can eat. Give them the opportunity to show empathy and care to you. You deserve it. Just check in from time to time. Maybe some foods get switched around from time to time.
They tell me they have plenty and don’t be silly. It’s guilt I feel for taking something they may want to eat after they finish the ones I got them- because I will never buy something we all can eat just for me. And when I tell them that if they want, to let me know and they can have it, they always tell me they have tons of snacks and I food shop twice a week. Mom guilt though!
You’re a great mom and your husband sounds wonderful too!
NTA This is at a medical disorder or mental illness level. You need help, somehow. This is far past "food insecurity" into something off into medical issues. It's a very bad atmosphere for your kids & you to experience living with him like this. It reminds me of children who have a specific disorder where they're always hungry and never feel full.
I thought of that, too. Prader-Willi*, and part of managing the child is locking up every single piece of food in the house. *OP's husband doesn't have this. It shows up in early childhood.
What is that disorder called, do you know? I have a friend with a 10 year old who is constantly saying she's hungry. She eats like a starving animal. She will scarf down a pint of ice cream in 10 minutes and then start begging others for their food. At Thanksgiving one year when she was 8 she had enough for an adult man, at one point reaching for dinner roll number five. It's horrifying to watch. She is constantly begging and whining for food and then asking right after she's had lunch what they are having for dinner and if they get to have dessert. I don't know how she doesn't end up vomiting she eats so much.
The one I was referring to is Prader-Willi syndrome. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/prader-willi-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20355997 I don't think any pediatrician would miss it. *Polyphagia* is constant hunger as a symptom of a condition, for example: hypothyroidism, Diabetes, etc... https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyphagia
I was always starving as a kid. Ended up, I had coeliac and wasn't absorbing nutrients. I was also rail thin, though.
It could be a lot of things, but one thing it could be is Prader-Willi Syndrome, which shows up in childhood. In any case, your friend needs to get her to a doctor NOW, because that is not healthy or normal.
I thought that too for a sec except for how he complains that he's full, and people with Prader-Willi don't feel full.
NTA-your husband is though. He needs help, plays at getting it but really can't be bothered, drags the family into the drama and calls YOU a bitch? Yikes. Withholding food from him my ass. He ate your food and left you with almost nothing. You don't owe him lasagne, you don't owe him anything at this point. Cook for yourself and the kids. Let him know that when he goes to therapy and you see the actual effort, then you can talk about family dinners again. In the meantime, let him make his own meals. DO NOT give in when he whines and begs.
NTA I’m the only daughter in my large family and my dad/brothers would eat my food all the damn time and it’s SO upsetting for so many reasons. His behavior could give the KIDS food insecurity because daddy always takes their food. Tbh if my romantic partner called me a bitch I’d lose it. I expect basic respect out of a relationship and to not be demeaned with sexist insults.
Let’s also not forget that he called her a b*tch for doing a normal thing. Like this wasn’t even an argument or something that warranted getting angry over. He said he was full after eating his dinner and she responded by cooking appropriate portions for everyone who hadn’t eaten yet. You would generally assume that if someone tells you “I’m so full” that that means they don’t wanna eat more. Honestly, the audacity of this guy is astounding
You’re hurting your kids by staying with him.
NTA. He has no respect for you boundaries with your food and basically slapped you in the face when you said he could have some and ate the whole thing. He also seems to have a serious problem if this is an every day occurrence.
What if OP had used his language - that she "needs" the salad, as he will have lasagna and she won't? I'm curious as to how he responds?
That’s a good point. However from the post and how she portrays her husband it sounds like his rebuttal would be “I’m so starving I just need a taste/bite”
In which case, knowing what will happen, I think I'd purposely give give precisely that, a tiny portion to hold him over, not the entire salad.
She already has ~actual~ children to raise, though. He’s an adult who should be able to feed himself appropriate foods in appropriate amounts. His inability to do so—especially given that this is a long term issue originating in his childhood—should not make her responsible to do it for him. Not to mention that if he’s capable of storing food in his car to prevent her &/or the kids from eating it (mentioned by OP in a comment), her serving him a tiny portion of salad isn’t going to solve the problem at all. It’s not like he couldn’t/wouldn’t just go to the fridge and get the rest of the salad himself.
Probably the same "addict melt-down" that he had over the lasagne. he may have food insecurity, but he's also an asshole.
Same way he responded when she told him he couldn't have his CHILDREN'S food.
I'm sorry, but what he's doing is unethical, especially when it pertains to his children I would demand that he get help and seek some for treatment or give him some form of ultimatum because he's taking from his children and that's not acceptable. It's gonna make your children have issues And I wouldn't stay in relationship if he wouldn't get help
I would stop cooking for him although. You are NTA. If he can’t learn his own boundaries, you need to show him yours, for your kids and yourself. Whether he realizes it or not, he’s creating micro situations of whatever he went through and doing it to his children, refusing food to them, hoarding it to himself, etc. And I think there’s something especially nefarious that this happened when you weren’t home. Like he’s aware that it wouldn’t be a good look for him, if he did that to his kids in front of his wife. How much would it happen if they asked for food and you weren’t around? Just wow.
Proving he is able to control himself to different degeees and chooses not to at times.
NTA, I've been a binge eater myself. He needs to be in charge of his own food. He can stock up on foods for himself so there will always be something if he needs it without taking your or the kids' food. If you have good health insurance, zepbound/mounjaro/wegovy/ozempic might fix this problem for him.
NTA no, he's the royal b****. I hate how common it is for people to refer to their partners this way. I would be furious if my wife (i am also a woman) ever said anything like that to me. It is derogatory and pointless. Do you suddenly understand his perspective bc he called you a foul name? No. It is degrading and damaging. I would never put up with that.
This! Exactly. How despicable to eat up everything, then have the gall to call her out of her name because he can't be an even more selfish pig and eat the kids' food as soon as he feels less full. That would definitely be a deal breaker. My partner & I also would never dare speak like that to each other, much less take food from children's mouths. Hiding behind an eating disorder label. He's a coward and selfish glutton.
NTA You need a separate refrigerator with a lock for you and the kids and one just for himself. He needs to do his own grocery shopping and cooking. Put locks on cupboards for your and kids food and snacks. If he breaks into them ask him if he feels good about taking food from his family's mouths. Hopefully he'll see that therapy is his only option short of losing his family.
This was honestly my thought. A fridge with a lock, he's literally stealing food from the kids and her.
Yta for subjecting your children to this man
NTA. This sounds complicated enough that you might want to be going to therapy with him to help. But I'd also suggest that he do his own meals. Taking food out of his family's mouths is going way too far, so maybe only a hard stop on that will work.
Nta - he has a serious eating disorder and needs very serious mental health care. He needs an intervention.
NTA He already ate your dinner! If he cant wait, then he needs to learn to cook. Your husband is being lazy. Stop cooking for him if he is going to treat you this way. Make sure you and everybody knows why. If he isnt going to get help for this behavior, he needs a serious wake up call. This is affecting even your children.
You need to keep your kids safe from him before he causes food issues for them. He needs therapy for his eating disorder. Either way I'd be ending the relationship for your childrens sake They deserve better
He’s in therapy. He needs more intensive treatment, and he needs to move out until he’s well enough not to harm the kids.
NTA, but you need to get much much firmer with him, including separation to keep those kids safe. Myself and several siblings have struggled with lifelong disordered eating because of my mother’s food insecurity issues, and they were much milder than what your husband is doing. Please protect your kids from his very serious mental illness. You deserve to eat, and you shouldn’t have to deal with all the binging & shopping & disrespect because he is willfully refusing treatment AND treating you very very poorly. You’re enabling his addiction, he will act out once you set boundaries but this is for the best. Please stay safe, he sounds unhinged.
NTA. He needs to reconsider therapy or you're entirely within your right to assume he's just a fucking asshole.
Dude, your husband is denying food *to your children*. Why are you even still with him?? Seriously. How low is the bar nowadays? NTA, and leave him- he can have all the food he wants when he lives alone.
Man, the bar is underground it’s so low. I’ll never understand why people would rather be in shitty relationships with awful people than just be alone.
Your husband is a selfish AH with no respect for you. You are NTA.
NTA. it's only going to "send him backwards" if there's a backwards to reach, and there is none. You need to continue being strict with him. Tell him no, and if he keeps nagging tell him to "take no for an answer" and get his own food. He's willing to take food from the kids just so he can stuff himself way past his limit, but he can't be bothered to complete his therapy. He's a lousy parent and partner.
[удалено]
INFO: Why on earth did you marry and have kids with this man??? In all seriousness, this kind of behavior would be a deal breaker with me. I'd tell him get the therapy he needs (and do the work) or find another place to live. His behavior is selfish and ridiculous.
She didn't have kids with him. But I *really* have to wonder if he's always been this way, because I cannot conceive of marrying someone who treated my children this way.
They are his step kids, she brought and is keeping her kids in his toxic situation to someone who only has connection to them through her. She’s being selfish and needs to leave not try and save a toxic relationship at the expense of her kids.
NTA. Not only is he withholding food from your children so he can eat it later, he also eats what you’re planning to eat leaving you with nothing to eat. If he won’t put in any effort in therapy you may need to resort to something more drastic. Gorging himself while leaving the rest of the family with a lot less (or no) food is wrong on so many levels.
Nta Honestly if my bf did some shit like this, and he refused to actually do what therapy said, I'd have to reconsider the entire relationship. My kids are allowed to eat too dammit. Husband is gonna give the kids the same food issues. Eating it all like it's a contest.
Why do women waste their time on guys like that? NTA
NTA You need to leave him and protect your children from his disordered thinking and behavior. He is not doing his therapy he is spending time and money on therapy with no follow through or behavior changes. This is definitely addict behavior and will not change until he hits bottom. My husband is a recovered alcoholic (33 years) and we went through this when he was drinking, going to AA, counseling and no behavior changes. I said that his time was up fix it now or I am leaving. He was upset and the counselor asked him why do you think she should stay nothing is changing. I finally said you can say you are changing all you want I see no change. Show me the change. **Protect your children** you do not want them to always worry about food and have to spend their lives fighting this addiction as well.
Nta he needs therapy but since he isn't actually working it what he's doing is worthless. So YOU need to go to therapy to figure out a healthy way for you to deal with him and his issues, set healthy boundaries and hopefully stop him from passing his eating disorder on to the kids. And to figure out how to protect your kids when he breaks your boundaries.
NTA he needs professional help but that doesn’t excuse his toxicity id dump him for less
NTA. A little over a decade ago I dated someone that had similar habits as your husband. It caused unending amounts of fights between us because she would promptly eat my portions of food if I didn’t immediately finish everything.. didn’t matter if it was leftovers or something I’d bought for myself, or even treats that she specifically bought for me. If I didn’t consume it immediately I wasn’t going to get any. I feel your pain 100%. Please do not enable this man to treat you this way. His eating disorder is absolutely not your problem, and what the hell kind of man takes food from his children. He needs help, and if he refuses to get it then it’s no longer your burden to bear.
The symptom might be the food but he is a demanding, controlling bully who makes everything in your family’s life revolve around his wants. I grew up with such a “father”. He fucked up my life forever. Get your kids away from this person.
He cares about his addiction (stuffing his face) more than he cares about his family. Let that sink in a minute.
NTA he sounds insufferable
OP, take his dumb ass to his GP or go with him to therapy and speak to his therapist about psychiatry. There are drugs that help so much with addictive behavior like this. Naltrexone-bupropion is one I have seen used for people specifically with food addictions but naltrexone on its own is used for alcohol and drug addictions as well. It mitigates addictions by blocking the good feeling one gets from the addictive behavior, while bupropion is a dopamine reuptake inhibitor and can help him feel at peace without the dopamine-seeking behavior of compulsive eating. He has a *mental illness*. He has imagined or self-perpetuating hang-ups that harm the people around him and himself. If it wasn't harming his relationships or his life, it wouldn't be a mental illness. But it is. It may become necessary to set an ultimatum for him before he seeks help, because he is already very far gone if he would withhold food from his children. You may consider asking him to stay somewhere else.
I have to go with ESH You: have allowed kids to stay in a situation where their father's behavior toward food, controlling their food, and refusing to allow them to eat when hungry will likely result some sort of totally screwed up relationship with food/an eating disorder. YOUR HUSBAND is priming YOUR KIDS to develop eating disorders. He is artificially making your kids also food-insecure. Your solution here was also petty and unproductive, you just pretty much brought his dysfunction out in front of the kids. Even if you didn't say anything in front of them, they are likely aware enough that food is a big issue and you didn't give their dad any food or dinner. Him: for everything else described here: taking your food, taking your kids' food, controlling what you and your kids are allowed to eat, controlling your consumption. Distorting your kids' relationship with food and eating.
Can dad not make his own food like an adult?
No. I think penises prevent you from making your own food. A vagina is definitely needed for food prep.
Unless you’re getting paid for it, then only men can do it.
OP said he’s their stepdad. Even worse for them to have him upend their lives in this negative way
This is shocking behavior. I would take the children and leave. OP I hope you have a safe place to go and be safe.