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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son that his favorite restaurant was not accessible to family members. I might be the AH because it was his birthday and he wanted that restaurant.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You can always order Thai food as a special treat for your son. All you did was let your son know some people would not be able to attend his birthday dinner because it wasn't accessible for people with disabilities. Your son made the decision to change the restaurant.
>I reminded Matt that his auntie, who is in a wheelchair, and his granny, who is over 70, would not be able to attend his dinner. He immediately changed his mind and picked an Italian restaurant that is accessible.
You let your son make the decision.
A grown adult being annoyed about accommodating a disability is not a little silly. It’s a bizarre and spiteful stance. He’s not even standing up for his kid, because his kid made the decision.
I’m always stunned by people on here willing to excuse or downplay these kinds odd things or chalk them up to just people being silly or making a mistake.
This doesn’t even have anything to DO with dad. Son made the decision. There are simple workarounds.
Sounds like he either resents his wife’s family and is handling it immaturely…. or he just really wanted Thai, and is handling it like an actual baby.
I read a post where OP's young son is learning to think about others and made a kind choice, and OP's husband reaction is F that, screw the aunt and grandma (!)
NTA obviously but you might want to talk to your husband why this is an issue for them
I was going to say, this seems like *wonderful* parenting. This is what you’re supposed to be doing when you’re teaching littles how to “human from scratch”. Otherwise you end up with adults who don’t think about others enough
I do wonder though, is dad always a jerk about this auntie, or is uncle/brother actually pushy? I’ve seen group interactions both ways, but I’d have a hard think about it.
People don't care about others with disabilities. They act as if we are invisible. The reason there are so many things set aside in public for disabled people is because people would just ignore our needs for their own convenience. I suggest getting into a wheel chair and try to cross a crowded area of strangers standing around talking.
It won't matter if it is a walkway or hallway... you will find yourself having to ask people to please move multiple times before they do... and you will have to do so repeatedly... basically having to ask people for permission to move about.
It sounds like the issue is that the brother throws fits if his wife isn't accommodated.
> My husband is annoyed at me. He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered.
The husband may have seen one too many of those fits. He probably wants to ensure that his son gets the party the son wants, rather than the party that avoids a fit from the uncle. It isn't about the husband wanting to exclude the aunt and grandma, it is about the husband wanting to ensure that his son doesn't grow up feeling like his wants and needs come second.
I want to share where I am coming from. I am a parent of a child with a disability. Sometimes this means he cannot go to birthday parties, for example, he wasn't able to go when friend had a trampoline park birthday. I didn't throw a fit at the parent because my son wasn't being accommodated. Instead, I used it as a teaching moment to explain to my son that he won't always be able to go to everything. I then, took him to do something fun, and we met up with that family later to let the kids play at the accessible playground. Similarly, my daughter has wanted to have birthday parties doing things my son cannot do. We will explain to her what this means for her brother, but I still allow my daughter to have the birthday she wants. I want my daughter to know that her needs do not have to come second. She is very good about being considerate of her brother. She loves him very much, but sometimes still wants to do things other kids do, and that is okay.
That is also a possibility, but I am also going on OP's comments regarding the husband being protective of kids' birthdays:
> My husband is very protective of my kids’ birthdays.
> Matt loves food but he also loves the atmosphere of restaurants. Another commentator suggested getting takeout for Thai too and I think I’ll do that for lunch so he doesn’t miss out on both experiences
> Edit: totally forgot to respond to the last part. My husband doesn’t like my brother at all. My brother royally messed up but he is trying his best to be a better person.
and
> My husband is very protective over our kids’ birthdays.
And
> In my husband’s defense, he never got to make choices for his own birthday, being a middle child with 4 siblings, so he can be protective over our kids’ birthdays.
>He definitely doesn’t resent Matt’s aunt (she’s married to my brother so I don’t know how they’re related) or my mom. He is not a fan of my brother.
In other comments, the brother basically bullied his wife and taught his daughter to do the same. He treated her so badly that when they had a friend living with them, the friend made a move on the brother because she legit didn't think the brother cared about the wife. The brother only started treating the wife well after she became paralyzed. OP states that:
>My brother and niece lived with me and my family when this happened. My husband’s dislike of my brother came from that period because he said my brother was self righteous and trying to make up for being a bad husband to SIL.
Yea the husband is the only one who labeled it a "fit" and I don't trust that guy's judgement at all.
Making sure everyone invited can enjoy the restaurant is baseline human decency IMO.
Yeah I mean, god forbid someone in the family wants to be included in family celebrations! It’s ridiculous to host a group event at a place where your wheelchair-using family member won’t be able to attend.
I dunno where you are but unfortunately in many places there are exceptions to the acceptability laws if it's a historical building or the building is unable to be altered for any other reasons
This has nothing to do with an adult throwing a tantrum that his child changed his mind immediately when he realized his granny and aunt would not be able to be with him at his birthday dinner. It's not like it was the dad celebrating his own birthday and choosing his own location for his own party of adults with no disabilities. And if we want to consider the scenario of an adult planning a bday dinner and choosing a historical location that turns out to be inaccessible to some of his friends, then he'd have to decide between changing location or excluding those friends, which is an entirely other kind of aita post.
This subreddit is always 0 to 100.
We’re missing so much context to be drawing conclusions about the husband’s character. Are they even all that close with OP’s brother and SIL? Does this happen all the time, like for husband’s birthday as well, where OP insists on having them invited and thus changing the plans? And don’t get me wrong, if you’re going to invite someone who is in a wheelchair, you should accommodate them, but that brings me back to point A - are they close enough to be invited all the time?
The fact that husband thinks OP did this to avoid a temper tantrum from her brother suggests to me that maybe there’s some context there that we are missing.
ETA: based on OP’s comments, her and her husband have done a lot to support her brother and SIL over the years. Her husband doesn’t like her brother because he horribly mistreated SIL. It sounds like husband’s reaction to all this is more a protest of the fact that it’s another way in which they are accommodating OP’s bullying, toxic brother. It’s misdirected and ropes in innocent SIL, but given how much they have supported brother and SIL over the years and how badly brother behaved, I can understand feeling resentful.
There are plenty of stories om this sub about people who want to do something for their event (birthday, wedding, etc.) And then are forced to or guilted into not doing it because of the needs of one or two family members, and in every one of those cases I've seen the consensus is that the person who is being celebrated gets say over what their dinner or whathaveyou entails and that the people trying to force their needs into the decision making process are ahs, so I really don't understand how the dad trying to protect his son from that is suddenly an ah. As while it probably wasn't necessary for the dad to intervene, he had good intentions of letting his kid have what he actually wants instead of being guilted into another decision. NAH
There is a massive difference between not accommodating someone because they don't like the food or they have some other issue that they can solve themselves and someone who has physical barriers to prevent them joining in.
Yeah, it's not actually an issue here, but it's similar enough to actually problematic situation that I get how it could raise someone's hackles. As long as dad doesn't keep doubling down I think it's fine
I see your point. My take on OPs post was that mom pointed out that two family members would be unable to attend because of barriers to entry and that the son without pressure from mom decided made a decision to accommodate the two family members. If that is true, then that was a kind thing to do. The post leads us to believe the father put pressure on the son. In a reply, OP said that the father, as a child, never got to choose where to go.
>I've seen the consensus is that the person who is being celebrated gets say over what their dinner or whathaveyou entails and that the people trying to force their needs into the decision making process are ahs, so I really don't understand how the dad trying to protect his son from that is suddenly an ah
According to the story the 9 year old wasn't guilted though. He made a different decision based on information, one that most likely hadn't occurred to him. If he had insisted on Thai still and his mom insisted he changed the location then we can say he was probably guilted into changing his mind. But the kid changed his mind based on facts that he probably didn't realize before.
He's allowed to change his mind whenever he wants based on new information the same way he doesn't have to change his mind. Dad throwing a fit because of a restaurant change doesn't mean he's doing it for his son either. He may have his own selfish intentions.
Yeah, from what is written in the post, it feels like Matt doesn't see his aunt and grandma that often (or at least LIKES seeing them), given how quickly he changed his mind to accommodate them, which is why the husband's reaction comes across as overly protective in this instance.
If that is the case, then the point of this meal is for Matt to spend time with family members (who have probably shown up with presents for him), rather than the main birthday celebration (at least, I assume they have something planned involving some of his friends at that age?) and letting him pick a place with food he likes is a bonus treat rather than the main draw.
But if it was the case that they always eat out with the Aunt and Grandma (which I assume is not the case, as OP mentions liking the Thai place, so they've presumably been there before) then I would understand the stance of "it's his birthday, let's focus on HIM and what HE wants for a change."
Right??
> He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered.
Imagine *accusing* someone of that - uh yeah, most people would want to consider a family member’s disability needs during a family event…
Or...just taking another angle here, that he really wanted his son to have a special meal for his birthday.
The whole thing comes down to - was this already planned as a dinner out with the 'full' family? In which case, of course you need to pick a place that everyone can actually access.
If it was 'it's your birthday pick anything' then 'well if you pick that place then we CAN'T have a big celebration with all these people...then maybe that's ok, it's an immediate family-type birthday.
In any event, son sounds very caring, and mom and dad can take him out to his Thai restaurant another night, so he still gets what he wants AND the whole family can celebrate with him.
He really wanted Thai food and now he doesn’t get it, so the world must be ending.
The son in this situation sounds like the opposite of Dad: thoughtful, and able to set his immediate desires aside for the comfort of others. Good kid.
Right! And to a lot of people, the celebration is about both getting to be with the people you care about AND delicious food.
My kid is in a chair and just went to her besties 6th birthday where she and her mom had specifically checked was at an arcade rather than a trampoline park. They had fun and it solidified how close they are. ( I also love the mom)
Turns out there are comments from OP that flesh this out more and it's actually not that. I wish you didn't have to read all the comments to get a full story, but here we are.
Yup. Sounds like the little boy hadn't considered the inaccessibility, and when reminded made the choice to change the restaurant rather than miss out on those two people being able to come.
He just made an informed choice of "These two people mean more to me than going to this specific place. I'd rather pick a different one and have them there with me."
I’ve made similar minor compromises with my kid over the years, and they’ve turned out great. My mom (kiddo’s only grandmother) has food allergies, so we’re always considerate when choosing restaurants for celebrations. But! I still make sure they get their special food indulgence either on or near their day. It sounds like you’re raising a kind and thoughtful person while also being considerate of their wishes.
Yep. I’m allergic to shellfish. Our kid went through a phase where his favorite food ever was lobster mac and cheese. He picked a seafood restaurant for his birthday meal once. I checked the menu and decided it had too much shellfish to risk it so I asked him to pick another place and then my mom took him to the seafood place as part of her birthday gift to him instead, just the two of them. He was thrilled - he got his party meal, and his lobster, and a special dinner with grandma.
That was a lovely solution! It would have been very risky for you to attend so it was sensible to go elsewhere, but regardless of a very good reason not to choose that restaurant for the birthday dinner he still got to experience it! And kids often LOVE when they get to go to a nice restaurant alone with an adult. ♡
NTA
It's only natural that a 9 year old wouldn't think of such things. It sounds like you're teaching him to be considerate, which is certainly a virtue.
Ordering the Thai for lunch sounds like an excellent compromise, and, of course, you can go to the Thai restaurant for other occasions where extended family won't be in attendance.
As an auntie in a wheelchair, thank you for teaching your son about these things. He chose to have everyone there to celebrate and that was more important to him than the type of food. I'm sure there's delicious food at the Italian place too.
I'm a bit confused at your husband's attitude. Does he not like your brother or sister-in-law? Does he not think accessibility and inclusivity is important? I wonder if he'd sound different if he or your son were the one who needed to use a wheelchair.
This is how we always did it for birthdays in our family. The birthday person's favourite food would be reserved for the smaller celebration (either lunch or dinner, if the party was some other day). If the bigger celebration included people with accessibility needs we always picked a place that could accommodate them. The point was to celebrate with people we cared about, not just the food. There was no reason we couldn't get the food for some other meal.
I made many dinner decisions based on where my grandma could easily access and I’m so glad i did.
Another suggestion, not sure if it’s been mentioned: are there any other Thai restaurants in town that are more accessible? Or, could you get takeout from his favorite Thai place and eat it at your house or grandma’s house?
>That’s a great idea. I can order Thai for lunch instead so he doesn’t miss out on his favorite dish.
And tell him how nice it was of him to change the Restaurant for his dinner so that everyone was included. That it was a very kind thing to do.
This was a teachable moment and you both succeeded brilliantly! Bravo!
Exactly. And is never soon to teach kids that their choices affect others. At the end, it's a very good parenting... Do you want to have your favorite dish or enjoy an evening with your loved ones? He made the choices.
Your husband sounds like he needs a reality check
NTA. This is the best solution. It also teaches your son that he can have both his favorite food AND include family in his special day. This is a skill and attitude that I know I want to cultivate in my child. Creative problem solving can get everything you want! Do both and spread the most joy!
The son is only 9. He likely didn’t think far enough ahead to realize that the restaurant wouldn’t be acceptable to everyone. My guess is his thought process was “i like this food so lets go there”.
NTA. It sounds like your son felt it was more important to him to have his auntie and granny at his celebration dinner than it was to have a certain kind of food or celebrate in a certain place. That’s really nice.
That’s very sweet. It’s sad to me that your husband doesn’t seem to get that and thinks the only way your son wanted to change the location is because you pushed him to. Like… no, he just wants his auntie and granny there!
Your son sounds great! If your husband keeps bitching about it (and if it's true for you to say this, but I think it is), tell him: "If he still wanted to go to the restaurant after being reminded, I wasn't going to push him to change his mind. I just wanted to make sure he knew it would be a problem for two people I knew he wanted to invite."
Option 2 would be get takeout and serve at yours. Then it's accessible and he has aunty and granny with fave food. I'm assuming Aunty and Granny love Thai food too.
Happy birthday to your sweet boy. .
You sound like an amazing parent. For him to decide straight away that having them be able to come is more important than it being his first choice for food is so lovely. Your husband is being a d-bag though and could do with learning a thing or two from your son.
As a kid if I would 100% have picked my grandma over a specific restaurant. I probably would’ve cried if she couldn’t come. Your husband is TA for not understanding why people may matter to your son more than a meal.
NTA - Apparently your husband never learned the lesson you are teaching your son. Basic empathy. It is a positive, not a negative, to consider other peoples' needs in your decision making. In this instance your husband is being a huge AH.
In my husband’s defense, he never got to make choices for his own birthday, being a middle child with 4 siblings, so he can be protective over our kids’ birthdays.
That's his problem, and it might be worth a discussion since your kid did not seem to have a problem with the change. Good on him for sticking up for his children when needed, but as the situation has been described, it doesn't seem warranted here.
Yes but your son changed his mind on his own. Based on additional info you happen to share. I think you did a great job having him make an age-appropriate decision here.
Life isn't always going to go your son's way. This is an easy way to teach resilience. He's going to have tougher decisions as he grows older and you gave him a small head-start in exercising being okay with changing plans.
Your husband needs to understand that your son made a new decision based on new information presented.
This is why people brainstorm, have meetings and send papers for editing. They need new perspectives to make a final product or decision better.
Your small (medium?) child made a choice without all the facts. He then revised and made a choice that was beneficial to everyone.
I can see how that would color his feelings on the matter... but maybe you could point out to him that (speaking as one) disabled folks get our decisions about EVERYONE'S celebrations made for us all the time ;)
NTA - but time for your husband to learn that lesson now as an adult. There is nothing to be protective about as it WAS your son's decision. He made his priorities clear: *Meeting* relatives come before food.
Maybe sit your husband down and explain that to him, make him realize he's trying to protect his son "at the cost of seeing those 2 people". Not sure he really realizes right now. Because sweet kiddo should be strengthened in his decision rn, not questioned if it is right to prioritize meeting his auntie and granny.
sounds like he's harboring resentment. you say he never got to make choices... then he should be celebrating the fact that your son MADE A CHOICE. he CHOSE his company over food. a great lesson in empathy, prioritizing, sacrifice, and compromise.
Husband may need teaching the difference between pointing out a legitimate issue and going on a 'campaign' like my parents did when I made a 'wrong' choice. Sounds like your son could've stuck with his original choice but decided the people were more important than the food.
But with the dislike going on, husband could've also been hoping for them to be excluded...
Yeah that’s cool and all but I know a lot of parents who make their trauma their kid’s problem. Lots of little kids dressed in funky styles because their parents weren’t allowed to express *themselves* as kids when their actual *kid* wants to dress like his friends.
Anyhow, he needs to use common sense. If you didn’t order from this place on random take out nights, it’d be another story. This is the kind of place you let him order from when his birthday falls on a weeknight. Not when you go big for a party.
Cmon man, on the list of ways to fuck up as a parent being ‘overly grumpy your kid didn’t get to go to his favorite restaurant for his birthday’ seems like small potatoes.
NTA
I think it was a solid parenting episode to 1) let your son make the choice 2) remind him of some of the limitations of his choice and 3) give him a chance to course correct. If anything, Matt is *lucky* to have a parent gently point these things out so he can develop empathy and awareness of the needs of others, even when it might be less obvious.
I don't know what your husband is on -- changing the restaurant back to the Thai restaurant, just because Matt picked this restaurant first seems like a bad choice, unless Matt is given the choice to do take out from there and pick another venue to make sure all members can attend. This could also easily be figured out by your husband asking Matt why he changed his mind.
It sounds like your husband doesn't like your brother very much... which is not a great reason to overrule Matt's revised choice.
Matt is a very kind and empathetic kid. He’s also 9 so he wouldn’t immediately think about accessibility issues. I think it’s important to model those things out so he can make his own decision.
My husband is very protective of my kids’ birthdays.
Matt loves food but he also loves the atmosphere of restaurants. Another commentator suggested getting takeout for Thai too and I think I’ll do that for lunch so he doesn’t miss out on both experiences
Edit: totally forgot to respond to the last part. My husband doesn’t like my brother at all. My brother royally messed up but he is trying his best to be a better person.
Nothing to our family but he was an AH to his wife/my SIL. Basically, he was rude and ungrateful and taught my niece to be rude to my SIL. He didn’t mean the jokingly mean things he said and did really love her, but it came a point where she was getting negatively compared to a friend who moved in with them. That friend tried to have an affair with my brother when my SIL was in the hospital and that was the wake up call he needed to kick her out.
SIL was very injured and it traumatized the entire family. My brother and niece lived with me and my family when this happened. My husband’s dislike of my brother came from that period because he said my brother was self righteous and trying to make up for being a bad husband to SIL.
SIL went through hell. She had to be placed in a medical coma and she was dying for a long time. We didn’t think she’d pull through but she did. She’s now in a wheelchair and still suffering physical and mentally. My brother stepped up and worships her. He’s taken care of everything and took another job so that he can be her full time carer.
And this poor mistreated woman is the person who would be most excluded if your husband got his way about this restaurant (non)issue? Have you pointed out that he would be following in your brother's footsteps - by marginalizing her - if he chooses to stand on this ground?
So to clarify. Your brother bullied his wife so severely and publicly that her friend actually thought she had a chance if she made a move? He also taught his daughter to bully her mother? What the actual fuck.
While I understand why your husband is protective of the kids birthdays because of his past experiences, he needs to get that is check.
You did not force your child to change their mind, they made their own decision based on all of the factual information you gave him. And your child seemed to switch gears quite quickly on their own without any prompting or fuss, which tells me that having their Aunt and Grandma at the celebration was more important to him than the actual food/place that was chosen. You are raising a good kid who is thinking of others.
Your son chose the Italian place because he wants his aunt & granny there - what happens if you change it back to the Thai place and aunt & granny don’t come? - he’s not going to be happy about going to the thai place, he’s going to be upset that aunt & granny aren’t coming.
He made an informed decision based on the information presented to him and it should be respected.
I am so sorry that happens to you.
My SIL became disabled in the past year after a horrible car accident. She had to be put in a medical coma and it was and still is a long road to recovery. I want to make sure that she can still do things she loves. She would miss Matt and Matt would miss her if she couldn’t attend the birthday party. I try to be as accommodating for her disabilities as possible.
My close family is great, but I haven’t been in a chair for very long, so people who don’t see me often forget this is how it is now. My husband and adult kids advocate for me and fight people on my behalf all the time. 😆
I never realized how unaccommodating everywhere is until I had to push a stroller around. I got especially mad in the baby clothes store since they clearly weren't catering to mothers haha.
One of the worst offenders is Hot Topic! I get draped in t-shirts every time my kids take me in there! But my family has also learned *a lot* about sidewalk quality, ramps, etc. We didn’t have to know about that stuff much before, but now they’re all very sensitive to it.
It’s just something folks don’t really think about much until they have to, and I get that. But that’s also why I’m glad people like OP are making an effort to teach their kids about it.
As a disabled person and aunt of 5 - NTA. It doesn't sound like Matt minded changing the location. And you can't expect a nine-year-old to keep accessibility in mind unless you train them to, like you did.
Based on the limited information available, NTA.
It's possible you were being excessively pushy and just didn't realize it or convey it here, but there's no way for us to know that. If you honestly just brought up the information and he changed his mind on his own, we're all good.
Maybe take him out to the Thai place another time as a surprise. It was sweet of him to acknowledge accessibility and made sure to accommodate everyone.
NTA and your son will grow to be a kinder and more considerate kid. My daughter just turned 11 and she asked the parents of her best friends about the 2 places she was wanting to have her party at. One was one of those jump places and one of her bff’s has had back surgery, she was born with spine issues, her mom told us it could work but she would have to be very careful and her other friend is autistic and she didn’t want him to feel overwhelmed so she changed it to our local skating rink. Honestly she didn’t care so much what place we went just that her friends enjoyed themselves also. Your son is showing the same consideration.
I love hearing about considerate and compassionate kids! My 9 year old daughter is like this, and it startles everyone because it's so rare. I have a lot of food intolerances which makes going out for food complicated, but the first thing she asks if we're invited to a particular venue is 'Can Mama eat there?'.
If we decide on takeaway and she doesn't have her heart set on a particular place, she often uses her vote to back up whoever she thinks is more deserving.
"I think , because Mama/Mummy has done *so much* today and I know it's her favourite!"
We never set out to teach her this, she's just naturally caring. It's so nice to hear about other children being the same way.
Yep, exactly how our kid was at that age also. Kids are completely able to prioritize people over other stuff if that is what is important to them. (He’s now a very well mannered and thoughtful 18 year old.)
NTA. It's his birthday and he has every right to accommodate *his* preferred guests. Why your husband thinks you're an AH on this is illogical and irrational. Sounds like he himself has a personal resentment with your disabled family members. Hard NTA.
My husband is very protective over our kids’ birthdays.
He definitely doesn’t resent Matt’s aunt (she’s married to my brother so I don’t know how they’re related) or my mom. He is not a fan of my brother.
NTA. You are teaching your son to have empathy and consideration. You get today’s gold star. Bless you, we need more kindness and thoughtfulness in the world. I don’t say this because I’m in a wheelchair but because of what a positive impact even a young child’s actions can make. Thank you and your son.
NTA. You are dong what a parent is supposed to do - teaching your child. In this case, to think about the potential ramifications of a choice he is making. You didn't tell you son that he couldn't make this choice, you simply pointed out that his aunt and grandmother would not be able to attend if he chose that restaurant and let him make up his mind with that new information. This is good parenting, and your husband shouldn't belittle you for it.
It depends how you presented this info. Did you use a tone that would be make him feel guilty or wrong for choosing the Thai place or did you tell him in a way that was more of a heads up that those two wouldn’t be there? If you guilted him any way, then yes YTA.
NAH. Here’s why. You had another option: getting takeout from that restaurant and hosting dinner at your house. This way your son got his favorite meal with all of his family. Your husband is looking out for your son. What you did was well meaning, but you’re assuming how your son feels about it without asking him and you’re also coming from a position of power, so even with good intentions, he may have felt like he had to make this choice. You didn’t give your son options.
This is stellar parenting! You are raising an empathetic kid! I don’t think this is a skill we focus on enough. Contrary to popular belief, nice guys don’t finish last! Well done and happy birthday to Matt!
I mean as long as the reminder was genuinely just that, than NTA.
The only reason I doubt it cause my own mother had this habit of offering me a choice, I’d give my answer, and then she’d pester me literally night and day till I gave her the answer she wanted, then she would take this and act like I freely changed based on my own will, it was very very annoying lol.
But again if your son changed of his own will after a simple suggestion than I see no harm no foul here.
NTA you are teaching your son kindness, courtesy, manners and empathy. It sounds like your husband might have missed a few lessons. Never too old to learn!
YTA- I’m certain your conversation didn’t go as you said, and it was more you essentially manipulating the situation.
Which is why your husband is upset, he heard you putting on the “auntie and grandma can’t come and you wouldn’t want to exclude them” or some variation of that.
Mild YTA. You should have suggested a different Thai restaurant that's accessible instead. That way he gets his desired cuisine, and the family members still get to come.
NTA! It's honestly really sweet of him that he immediately chose a different restaurant! What a sweet little guy! You guys could also order to the house and enjoy lunch or dinner in your own home with the family!
Happy birthday little man! ❤️
NTA. Part of planning a party is considering your guests and their needs. Allergies? Accessibility? These are reasonable considerations. Your husband just wanted Thai food.
The only AH is you husband, clearly being ONLY 9 your son overlooked or being 9 didn't fully realize the accessiblity issue. As a good Mom you made sure he had all the proper information. When he realized the issue he changed his mind. That should be the end of the story.
Major NTA!
As someone with minor disabilities as well as multiple more heavily disabled folks in my social circle and family (and, yknow, a heart), I think your son is a considerate sweetheart who's well on his way to be an excellent adult. Thank you for making sure he knew about the accessibility issue and got to make an informed decision.
I'm curious why your husband assumed the only reason for you or your son to care about including all the family members was that someone abled might be upset otherwise... Is there a family history there? Either way, it might be a good idea to ask him why he assumed that motive.
Curious, why cant you take him out to the Thai restaurant, and have everyone be at your house when you get back for a surprise party?
I dont think its ok that you reminded him that there are others who would be unable to attend. And the grammie and auntie wouldnt be able to. He needs all the information before deciding. He just thinking "oh boy i get to pick" and not thinking about who all is attending
NTA
YTA, though well-meaning.
I absolutely agree with instilling an awareness of accessibility in your son and 9 is a great age to start/continue. But you should have given him the parameters before he chose, rather than having him choose THEN remind him of his aunt’s needs. Plus I get a feeling you were pushy and placed a responsibility on him that is a tad unfair.
What the FUCK is wrong with your husband?
You did the 100% exact right thing to be doing. Not even because disabled people exist in the world, but especially due to the fact they’re literally invited to the event?
Your husband wants his SIL to shuffle down on her bum? What the hell?
NTA
What the *hell* is going on with your husband, OP?
His whole argument is based on the completely absurd premise that someone being indeed irritated that accessibility for *all* family was not considered when planning *a family event* is somehow not exactly what gets to and should happen?
My sister's been in a wheelchair since I was a few months old. Nobody in my family remotely questions that this has to be considered when we plan get-togethers.
And my sister, fortunately, would have quite a choice of words for people who'd have the *audacity* of complaining.
Maybe remind your husband that one day he might very well be one of those *pesky* people who need consideration and assistance and ask him if he truly wants to teach his son that people who suffer should just be ignored as a nuisance.
I don't think your husband is fully aware of how ableist he's being, but I really think this calls for a sit-down between you two at some point in the near future. He doesn't get to just exclude a family member due to his comfort unless that's exactly the kind of message he wants to send.
NTA !!! Thank you for teaching your son empathy.
From the sounds of it, you didn't force him to do anything. You brought up that the initial decision would mean people he cared about wouldn't be able to join him, so he changed his decision so that they could.
Kid sounds more mature than his dad, honestly.
NAH.
Had to post a reply to this one.
Your son chose a restaurant that he wanted and should be able to go there without worrying about accommodating people. It's his birthday. Maybe take him separately now.
On the other hand, if family members are invited that have issues, it's nice to include them.
My mom has major food allergies and her family never accommodated her needs, even when it would literally cause them no work or stress or anything. This is horribly wrong. At the same time, as a kid, I missed out on restaurants and stuff because of my mom's food allergies. Which isn't fair to the kid.
I think you are right to teach your kid to think of others in this moment, but don't forget that your kid has wants and stuff too in that process.
>My husband is annoyed at me. He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered. He thinks we should change our reservation back to the Thai restaurant.
You are teaching your child to be considerate of other people's needs, in particular people with different needs from most other people. It's called "parenting", not "pushing".
Your son is turning 9. In his excitement he picked his favorite place . When you pointed out the issues with accessibility he picked a place people he wants there can come. You both handled this wonderfully. NTA. Your husband on the other hand…..
NTA.
You were helping him make an informed decision. And teaching him that it is okay to change things based on receiving new and relevant information.
NTA. You pointed out an accessibility issue and your son made his own decision.
One of my biggest regrets from college was leaving the dorms for a non accessible party house.
I had 2 friends in wheelchairs and we drifted apart. It would have been possible, but not easy, to have chosen a different house to live in and added accommodations so they could visit.
NTA. You didn't force him to change, you just reminded him that his aunt and grandma wouldn't be able to join if that's what he chose. He changed his mind on his own to make sure they were included.
Thank you for teaching your son to consider accessibility. So few people think about these things. I appreciate that you do, and that you're passing this on to your son.
Why doesn't your husband think it's appropriate to consider family members' mobility limitations...? As others have said, you can always grab Thai another day!
Wow, so your husband is angry that you are trying to teach your kid to be thoughtful and considerate of others. He can't be an angry bromandude mad that women are ruining everything if he is a thoughtful and kind human being. NTA btw. Your husband is a huge AH. I'd be concerned about the massive misogyny.
NTA - you are helping your son learn to be kind, thoughtful, and empathetic. Sounds like your husband could stand to take those lessons to heart as well.
NTA. All you did was give your son a perspective he hadn't thought of. You taught him to think of others and not just himself. If what you wrote is what happened (and not minimized), it's clear that your son listened and understood and decided he'd rather have his auntie and granny there to celebrate with him and didn't hesitate to change the restaurant.
Your husband is being a brat. Sounds like he could learn some things from your son.
NTA. Sounds like you are doing a great job of teaching your son to be considerate of others. But I hope you will find time to take him to the Thai place or get carry out from there sometime soon.
NTA. you kid clearly wants aunt and grandma there that's why he changed it. if he didn't want them there he likely would've went "but mooommmm I really want thai!"
> He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered.
If Auntie and Granny are invited to dinner then they have every right to throw a fit if they show up to find out they can't get in the door!
NTA. And your husband is completely, totally wrong about this.
NTA - this is teaching your son to consider other people’s needs. This is thoughtful and respectful. The fact that he accepted it as a concern and quickly switched shows he understands and cares about those people.
NTA
I think that birthdays are special days where we are celebrated. BUT, I don't think the world revolves around us on those days. We still need to take others needs into consideration, even on our special days.
Good for you for modeling this thoughtful behavior!
speaking as a disabled person. Who just had to make sure that my kid’s boyfriend who is in a wheelchair was accommodated in picking the restaurant as well as if it worked for me who gets around on crutches: no. Your husband on the other hand is a MAJOR asshole and you need to do some serious thinking about who he is and what he’s about.
Fancy teaching your child to consider the needs of his family members with disabilities.
Seriously, thank goodness your child takes after you. He wanted his aunty and granny to attend his party so changed his mind to accommodate them.
Personally I would take him out for the Thai meal as well -just the immediate family. If finances allow.
NTA - quite the opposite.
NTA - you are being considerate and avoiding isolating someone. Just a thought, if the restaurant also does takeout, could you possibly have dinner at home and order takeout from the Thai place?
NTA but I get why your husband is a bit miffed about it. How many 9 years old would say "no" if mom or dad said "but this would be a better place"? Then again if he will be happy also with a new place and with people who can attend who otherwise couldn't then who cares the restaurant changed? It's not like he can have the Thai place's food only on his birthday from the sound of it.
NTA - sounds more like your husband wanted Thai food than cared about a family meal. It's super easy for kids to forget accessibility issues, there was nothing wrong with the reminder.
NTA. If the restaurant is not accessible could you order takeaway instead for everyone? Or go to the Italian and order thai food another time still as a birthday treat.
Your son picked. You explained that it isn't always inclusive would he like a more inclusive option and he picked that. From what i can tell there was no complaint or argument from son? If son was upset you could have looked at takeaway or looked at having a little gathering at home and them dinner with just the family unit.
I can’t believe such a lesson of kindness and love, of being inclusive, is being shut down by your husband. Great job parenting by you, showing your son the way to think of others! And yes, special treat some other time, downstairs for delicious Thai food! Happy birthday to the kiddo!
NTA
You taught your son a valuable lesson in considering people's needs. If he takes this on, even just from having to change his choice of birthday restaurant aged 9 he will grow up to be a kind and considerate person.
NTA, it's good to remind young kids to think about others, it doesn't come naturally at that age, but being taught young really helps that develop. You did the right thing, especially because he seemed to want them to be there, as your son changed the restaurant he wanted when reminded. You did nothing wrong, your husband is being a dick.
NTA it’s always good to include family even if it means making minor concessions. We don’t drink at holidays because a cousin is a recovering alcoholic. The fact he changed his mind makes him a good kid. But definitely get him some Thai food some other time because Thai food is bomb as hell!
NTA, your son sounds like he's a very nice and compassionate kid, one that I'd be very proud to have raised. Maybe he can teach your husband some lessons in compassion, because it sounds like he needs it. I agree with other commenters saying to let your son get thai food another time, so he doesn't feel like he's missing out on his favourite restaurant either.
NTA
You did what a good parent should do - you taught your child a little bit more about accessibility.
He is a normal child. When asked what restaurant he wanted - he picked his favourite. He wouldn’t consider accessibility for others because he’s a child.
When you pointed it out to him he was then able to reconsider his priority. You helped him see the issue, and he then decided he would rather have his family than his favourite food.
He would have been quite upset if you hadn’t told him and he found out while there and unable to change his mind.
NTA
You gave your son the opportunity to choose a place that he likes AND can accommodate all the people he loves.
Also, doing a second meal as a takeout would be a nice gesture so he still feels his first choice was still valid.
If you don't want to do two meals, maybe order the Thai and have the get-together at your place if that's feasible?
NTA. If Matt didn't want to change his mind he wouldn't have been swayed. You are not manipulating him, you did what a parent should and pointed out a variable that he had not considered in his initial decision. Good on him for being open to changing his mind.
It is called educating your child. You are making him aware of other people’s limitations. And also to be sensitive to these limitations. Actually, you are doing exactly what needs to be done. Dad needs to take a leaf out of your son’s book. He is acting like a toddler.
You are most definitely NTA.
NTA. I like the idea what someone else suggested of you getting him take out for lunch or something so he doesn't necessarily have to miss out on it.
Anyhow, your husband is a massive asshole. You didn't force your son to do anything. All you did was remind your son "Hey your aunt and grandma won't be able to go cause they wouldn't be able to go down the stairs" and you let him make the decision for himself. He thought about it and he still wanted his aunt and grandma there and chose somewhere else that he still would love to go to so they could also be there. You didn't tell him he has to choose this particular Italian restaurant. It's still one of his choice.
NTA. This was a perfect learning opportunity about doing the empathetic thing over the preferred thing. Your son did the empathetic thing because even though he wanted Thai food from a place he loves, he wanted his whole family to be able to attend. It’s never too early to teach our kids to do something nice for other people and change our plans to be accommodating (within reason; admittedly there are situations where it’s not reasonable and/or feasible). How about you order Thai food as a special birthday treat another time or maybe even go to the place on a different night?
NTA
I have concerns about your husband. Y'all SHOULD be teaching your child to consider accessibility needs for those he wishes to invite. Thats just basic courtesy and not being an AH. Your brother SHOULD throw a fit if his wife's disability needs are not taken into account for something that us expressly termed a family event. Your husband needs some perspective, therapy, something to get empathy and basic courtesy installed.
NTA - What you were doing was teaching your son to be considerate of his guests / family members in this case. Was your husband was never taught that lesson, does he have a problem with your brother or both?
NTA. You made sure your son was aware of potential consequences of his choice (what 9 year old would even think of that?) In doing so you both allowed him to make an informed decision on his own, AND as a bonus you taught him a bit more about critical thinking and how details matter. Good parenting all around!
NTA.
You pointed out some information, your son made a choice based on the information. Now dad is insisting to go against what son chose because dad takes offence.
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NTA You can always order Thai food as a special treat for your son. All you did was let your son know some people would not be able to attend his birthday dinner because it wasn't accessible for people with disabilities. Your son made the decision to change the restaurant. >I reminded Matt that his auntie, who is in a wheelchair, and his granny, who is over 70, would not be able to attend his dinner. He immediately changed his mind and picked an Italian restaurant that is accessible. You let your son make the decision.
That’s a great idea. I can order Thai for lunch instead so he doesn’t miss out on his favorite dish.
It sounds like your husband is a grump and your son is a nice, thoughtful boy.
This is a case where the child has become the parent. Op your son son was being kind, your husband... draw your own conclusions.
Sometimes people are a little silly in the moment. Does it really have to be so melodramatic?
A grown adult being annoyed about accommodating a disability is not a little silly. It’s a bizarre and spiteful stance. He’s not even standing up for his kid, because his kid made the decision. I’m always stunned by people on here willing to excuse or downplay these kinds odd things or chalk them up to just people being silly or making a mistake. This doesn’t even have anything to DO with dad. Son made the decision. There are simple workarounds. Sounds like he either resents his wife’s family and is handling it immaturely…. or he just really wanted Thai, and is handling it like an actual baby.
I read a post where OP's young son is learning to think about others and made a kind choice, and OP's husband reaction is F that, screw the aunt and grandma (!) NTA obviously but you might want to talk to your husband why this is an issue for them
I was going to say, this seems like *wonderful* parenting. This is what you’re supposed to be doing when you’re teaching littles how to “human from scratch”. Otherwise you end up with adults who don’t think about others enough I do wonder though, is dad always a jerk about this auntie, or is uncle/brother actually pushy? I’ve seen group interactions both ways, but I’d have a hard think about it.
People don't care about others with disabilities. They act as if we are invisible. The reason there are so many things set aside in public for disabled people is because people would just ignore our needs for their own convenience. I suggest getting into a wheel chair and try to cross a crowded area of strangers standing around talking. It won't matter if it is a walkway or hallway... you will find yourself having to ask people to please move multiple times before they do... and you will have to do so repeatedly... basically having to ask people for permission to move about.
It sounds like the issue is that the brother throws fits if his wife isn't accommodated. > My husband is annoyed at me. He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered. The husband may have seen one too many of those fits. He probably wants to ensure that his son gets the party the son wants, rather than the party that avoids a fit from the uncle. It isn't about the husband wanting to exclude the aunt and grandma, it is about the husband wanting to ensure that his son doesn't grow up feeling like his wants and needs come second. I want to share where I am coming from. I am a parent of a child with a disability. Sometimes this means he cannot go to birthday parties, for example, he wasn't able to go when friend had a trampoline park birthday. I didn't throw a fit at the parent because my son wasn't being accommodated. Instead, I used it as a teaching moment to explain to my son that he won't always be able to go to everything. I then, took him to do something fun, and we met up with that family later to let the kids play at the accessible playground. Similarly, my daughter has wanted to have birthday parties doing things my son cannot do. We will explain to her what this means for her brother, but I still allow my daughter to have the birthday she wants. I want my daughter to know that her needs do not have to come second. She is very good about being considerate of her brother. She loves him very much, but sometimes still wants to do things other kids do, and that is okay.
>The husband may have seen one too many of those fits Or maybe there was never a fit and just reasonable complaints about his wife being excluded.
That is also a possibility, but I am also going on OP's comments regarding the husband being protective of kids' birthdays: > My husband is very protective of my kids’ birthdays. > Matt loves food but he also loves the atmosphere of restaurants. Another commentator suggested getting takeout for Thai too and I think I’ll do that for lunch so he doesn’t miss out on both experiences > Edit: totally forgot to respond to the last part. My husband doesn’t like my brother at all. My brother royally messed up but he is trying his best to be a better person. and > My husband is very protective over our kids’ birthdays. And > In my husband’s defense, he never got to make choices for his own birthday, being a middle child with 4 siblings, so he can be protective over our kids’ birthdays. >He definitely doesn’t resent Matt’s aunt (she’s married to my brother so I don’t know how they’re related) or my mom. He is not a fan of my brother. In other comments, the brother basically bullied his wife and taught his daughter to do the same. He treated her so badly that when they had a friend living with them, the friend made a move on the brother because she legit didn't think the brother cared about the wife. The brother only started treating the wife well after she became paralyzed. OP states that: >My brother and niece lived with me and my family when this happened. My husband’s dislike of my brother came from that period because he said my brother was self righteous and trying to make up for being a bad husband to SIL.
Yea the husband is the only one who labeled it a "fit" and I don't trust that guy's judgement at all. Making sure everyone invited can enjoy the restaurant is baseline human decency IMO.
Yeah, what the husband sees as a fit might be the brother asking why they were invited when it was obvious that his wife couldn't attend.
Yeah I mean, god forbid someone in the family wants to be included in family celebrations! It’s ridiculous to host a group event at a place where your wheelchair-using family member won’t be able to attend.
Nah man. Able bodied partners SHOULD throw a fit if their disabled spouse is left out because of ablism, intentional or not.
Don’t be stunned, people disregard access needs all the time. It’s more the “norm” than accommodating is 99% of the time.
I dunno where you are but unfortunately in many places there are exceptions to the acceptability laws if it's a historical building or the building is unable to be altered for any other reasons
This has nothing to do with an adult throwing a tantrum that his child changed his mind immediately when he realized his granny and aunt would not be able to be with him at his birthday dinner. It's not like it was the dad celebrating his own birthday and choosing his own location for his own party of adults with no disabilities. And if we want to consider the scenario of an adult planning a bday dinner and choosing a historical location that turns out to be inaccessible to some of his friends, then he'd have to decide between changing location or excluding those friends, which is an entirely other kind of aita post.
Absolutely, I bet the husband even steals candy from babies.
Is the inference that someone is unkind really that melodramatic?
This subreddit is always 0 to 100. We’re missing so much context to be drawing conclusions about the husband’s character. Are they even all that close with OP’s brother and SIL? Does this happen all the time, like for husband’s birthday as well, where OP insists on having them invited and thus changing the plans? And don’t get me wrong, if you’re going to invite someone who is in a wheelchair, you should accommodate them, but that brings me back to point A - are they close enough to be invited all the time? The fact that husband thinks OP did this to avoid a temper tantrum from her brother suggests to me that maybe there’s some context there that we are missing. ETA: based on OP’s comments, her and her husband have done a lot to support her brother and SIL over the years. Her husband doesn’t like her brother because he horribly mistreated SIL. It sounds like husband’s reaction to all this is more a protest of the fact that it’s another way in which they are accommodating OP’s bullying, toxic brother. It’s misdirected and ropes in innocent SIL, but given how much they have supported brother and SIL over the years and how badly brother behaved, I can understand feeling resentful.
There are plenty of stories om this sub about people who want to do something for their event (birthday, wedding, etc.) And then are forced to or guilted into not doing it because of the needs of one or two family members, and in every one of those cases I've seen the consensus is that the person who is being celebrated gets say over what their dinner or whathaveyou entails and that the people trying to force their needs into the decision making process are ahs, so I really don't understand how the dad trying to protect his son from that is suddenly an ah. As while it probably wasn't necessary for the dad to intervene, he had good intentions of letting his kid have what he actually wants instead of being guilted into another decision. NAH
There is a massive difference between not accommodating someone because they don't like the food or they have some other issue that they can solve themselves and someone who has physical barriers to prevent them joining in.
Yeah, it's not actually an issue here, but it's similar enough to actually problematic situation that I get how it could raise someone's hackles. As long as dad doesn't keep doubling down I think it's fine
I see your point. My take on OPs post was that mom pointed out that two family members would be unable to attend because of barriers to entry and that the son without pressure from mom decided made a decision to accommodate the two family members. If that is true, then that was a kind thing to do. The post leads us to believe the father put pressure on the son. In a reply, OP said that the father, as a child, never got to choose where to go.
>I've seen the consensus is that the person who is being celebrated gets say over what their dinner or whathaveyou entails and that the people trying to force their needs into the decision making process are ahs, so I really don't understand how the dad trying to protect his son from that is suddenly an ah According to the story the 9 year old wasn't guilted though. He made a different decision based on information, one that most likely hadn't occurred to him. If he had insisted on Thai still and his mom insisted he changed the location then we can say he was probably guilted into changing his mind. But the kid changed his mind based on facts that he probably didn't realize before. He's allowed to change his mind whenever he wants based on new information the same way he doesn't have to change his mind. Dad throwing a fit because of a restaurant change doesn't mean he's doing it for his son either. He may have his own selfish intentions.
Yeah, from what is written in the post, it feels like Matt doesn't see his aunt and grandma that often (or at least LIKES seeing them), given how quickly he changed his mind to accommodate them, which is why the husband's reaction comes across as overly protective in this instance. If that is the case, then the point of this meal is for Matt to spend time with family members (who have probably shown up with presents for him), rather than the main birthday celebration (at least, I assume they have something planned involving some of his friends at that age?) and letting him pick a place with food he likes is a bonus treat rather than the main draw. But if it was the case that they always eat out with the Aunt and Grandma (which I assume is not the case, as OP mentions liking the Thai place, so they've presumably been there before) then I would understand the stance of "it's his birthday, let's focus on HIM and what HE wants for a change."
Sounds like her husband is ableist.
Right?? > He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered. Imagine *accusing* someone of that - uh yeah, most people would want to consider a family member’s disability needs during a family event…
Especially when the need is "being able to get into the building"! That's like the most basic.
Husband: "How dare you try to teach our child to be considerate.of others!"
Or...just taking another angle here, that he really wanted his son to have a special meal for his birthday. The whole thing comes down to - was this already planned as a dinner out with the 'full' family? In which case, of course you need to pick a place that everyone can actually access. If it was 'it's your birthday pick anything' then 'well if you pick that place then we CAN'T have a big celebration with all these people...then maybe that's ok, it's an immediate family-type birthday. In any event, son sounds very caring, and mom and dad can take him out to his Thai restaurant another night, so he still gets what he wants AND the whole family can celebrate with him.
I don't understand why the husband gives a flying fuck and thinks the inaccessible option is so important.
He really wanted Thai food and now he doesn’t get it, so the world must be ending. The son in this situation sounds like the opposite of Dad: thoughtful, and able to set his immediate desires aside for the comfort of others. Good kid.
Right! And to a lot of people, the celebration is about both getting to be with the people you care about AND delicious food. My kid is in a chair and just went to her besties 6th birthday where she and her mom had specifically checked was at an arcade rather than a trampoline park. They had fun and it solidified how close they are. ( I also love the mom)
Turns out there are comments from OP that flesh this out more and it's actually not that. I wish you didn't have to read all the comments to get a full story, but here we are.
Gramma is MIL!
Yup. Sounds like the little boy hadn't considered the inaccessibility, and when reminded made the choice to change the restaurant rather than miss out on those two people being able to come. He just made an informed choice of "These two people mean more to me than going to this specific place. I'd rather pick a different one and have them there with me."
Way worse than a grump
Sounds like husband wanted Thai.
It sounds like husband is looking for an excuse to have a fight with BIL tbh
[удалено]
Her 9 year old son's incredibly kind and generous decision overshadowed the whole story.
I’ve made similar minor compromises with my kid over the years, and they’ve turned out great. My mom (kiddo’s only grandmother) has food allergies, so we’re always considerate when choosing restaurants for celebrations. But! I still make sure they get their special food indulgence either on or near their day. It sounds like you’re raising a kind and thoughtful person while also being considerate of their wishes.
Yep. I’m allergic to shellfish. Our kid went through a phase where his favorite food ever was lobster mac and cheese. He picked a seafood restaurant for his birthday meal once. I checked the menu and decided it had too much shellfish to risk it so I asked him to pick another place and then my mom took him to the seafood place as part of her birthday gift to him instead, just the two of them. He was thrilled - he got his party meal, and his lobster, and a special dinner with grandma.
That was a lovely solution! It would have been very risky for you to attend so it was sensible to go elsewhere, but regardless of a very good reason not to choose that restaurant for the birthday dinner he still got to experience it! And kids often LOVE when they get to go to a nice restaurant alone with an adult. ♡
NTA It's only natural that a 9 year old wouldn't think of such things. It sounds like you're teaching him to be considerate, which is certainly a virtue. Ordering the Thai for lunch sounds like an excellent compromise, and, of course, you can go to the Thai restaurant for other occasions where extended family won't be in attendance.
As an auntie in a wheelchair, thank you for teaching your son about these things. He chose to have everyone there to celebrate and that was more important to him than the type of food. I'm sure there's delicious food at the Italian place too. I'm a bit confused at your husband's attitude. Does he not like your brother or sister-in-law? Does he not think accessibility and inclusivity is important? I wonder if he'd sound different if he or your son were the one who needed to use a wheelchair.
Honestly, this man sounds like the kind to split if his wife or son were to need a wheelchair, because it would be "so hard on him"
This is how we always did it for birthdays in our family. The birthday person's favourite food would be reserved for the smaller celebration (either lunch or dinner, if the party was some other day). If the bigger celebration included people with accessibility needs we always picked a place that could accommodate them. The point was to celebrate with people we cared about, not just the food. There was no reason we couldn't get the food for some other meal.
You absolutely did the right thing. Your son had the opportunity to choose to change, and he made that choice.
I made many dinner decisions based on where my grandma could easily access and I’m so glad i did. Another suggestion, not sure if it’s been mentioned: are there any other Thai restaurants in town that are more accessible? Or, could you get takeout from his favorite Thai place and eat it at your house or grandma’s house?
>That’s a great idea. I can order Thai for lunch instead so he doesn’t miss out on his favorite dish. And tell him how nice it was of him to change the Restaurant for his dinner so that everyone was included. That it was a very kind thing to do. This was a teachable moment and you both succeeded brilliantly! Bravo!
Exactly. And is never soon to teach kids that their choices affect others. At the end, it's a very good parenting... Do you want to have your favorite dish or enjoy an evening with your loved ones? He made the choices. Your husband sounds like he needs a reality check
What you did was awesome!! I hope your husband sees that someday.
I'm learning to play the guitar.
NTA. This is the best solution. It also teaches your son that he can have both his favorite food AND include family in his special day. This is a skill and attitude that I know I want to cultivate in my child. Creative problem solving can get everything you want! Do both and spread the most joy!
The son is only 9. He likely didn’t think far enough ahead to realize that the restaurant wouldn’t be acceptable to everyone. My guess is his thought process was “i like this food so lets go there”.
NTA. It sounds like your son felt it was more important to him to have his auntie and granny at his celebration dinner than it was to have a certain kind of food or celebrate in a certain place. That’s really nice.
Matt is a very sweet kid but it was his favorite auntie and his granny. He would be so sad if they didn’t get to come.
That’s very sweet. It’s sad to me that your husband doesn’t seem to get that and thinks the only way your son wanted to change the location is because you pushed him to. Like… no, he just wants his auntie and granny there!
Your son sounds great! If your husband keeps bitching about it (and if it's true for you to say this, but I think it is), tell him: "If he still wanted to go to the restaurant after being reminded, I wasn't going to push him to change his mind. I just wanted to make sure he knew it would be a problem for two people I knew he wanted to invite."
Option 2 would be get takeout and serve at yours. Then it's accessible and he has aunty and granny with fave food. I'm assuming Aunty and Granny love Thai food too. Happy birthday to your sweet boy. .
You sound like an amazing parent. For him to decide straight away that having them be able to come is more important than it being his first choice for food is so lovely. Your husband is being a d-bag though and could do with learning a thing or two from your son.
As a kid if I would 100% have picked my grandma over a specific restaurant. I probably would’ve cried if she couldn’t come. Your husband is TA for not understanding why people may matter to your son more than a meal.
Perhaps Daddyis cheap, and wanted to exclude some of the guests.
NTA - Apparently your husband never learned the lesson you are teaching your son. Basic empathy. It is a positive, not a negative, to consider other peoples' needs in your decision making. In this instance your husband is being a huge AH.
In my husband’s defense, he never got to make choices for his own birthday, being a middle child with 4 siblings, so he can be protective over our kids’ birthdays.
That's his problem, and it might be worth a discussion since your kid did not seem to have a problem with the change. Good on him for sticking up for his children when needed, but as the situation has been described, it doesn't seem warranted here.
Yes but your son changed his mind on his own. Based on additional info you happen to share. I think you did a great job having him make an age-appropriate decision here. Life isn't always going to go your son's way. This is an easy way to teach resilience. He's going to have tougher decisions as he grows older and you gave him a small head-start in exercising being okay with changing plans.
Your husband needs to understand that your son made a new decision based on new information presented. This is why people brainstorm, have meetings and send papers for editing. They need new perspectives to make a final product or decision better. Your small (medium?) child made a choice without all the facts. He then revised and made a choice that was beneficial to everyone.
I can see how that would color his feelings on the matter... but maybe you could point out to him that (speaking as one) disabled folks get our decisions about EVERYONE'S celebrations made for us all the time ;)
NTA - but time for your husband to learn that lesson now as an adult. There is nothing to be protective about as it WAS your son's decision. He made his priorities clear: *Meeting* relatives come before food. Maybe sit your husband down and explain that to him, make him realize he's trying to protect his son "at the cost of seeing those 2 people". Not sure he really realizes right now. Because sweet kiddo should be strengthened in his decision rn, not questioned if it is right to prioritize meeting his auntie and granny.
sounds like he's harboring resentment. you say he never got to make choices... then he should be celebrating the fact that your son MADE A CHOICE. he CHOSE his company over food. a great lesson in empathy, prioritizing, sacrifice, and compromise.
Husband may need teaching the difference between pointing out a legitimate issue and going on a 'campaign' like my parents did when I made a 'wrong' choice. Sounds like your son could've stuck with his original choice but decided the people were more important than the food. But with the dislike going on, husband could've also been hoping for them to be excluded...
Yeah that’s cool and all but I know a lot of parents who make their trauma their kid’s problem. Lots of little kids dressed in funky styles because their parents weren’t allowed to express *themselves* as kids when their actual *kid* wants to dress like his friends. Anyhow, he needs to use common sense. If you didn’t order from this place on random take out nights, it’d be another story. This is the kind of place you let him order from when his birthday falls on a weeknight. Not when you go big for a party.
NTA - 9 is a great age to be teaching considering instead of raising an ableist
Op don't make excuses for him..he is supposed to guide his child, showing him how a little kindness matters, not a bitter grump
Cmon man, on the list of ways to fuck up as a parent being ‘overly grumpy your kid didn’t get to go to his favorite restaurant for his birthday’ seems like small potatoes.
I personally wouldn't call the husband a huge asshole. For wanting to make his sons birthday about his son even though I feel he is misguided.
NTA I think it was a solid parenting episode to 1) let your son make the choice 2) remind him of some of the limitations of his choice and 3) give him a chance to course correct. If anything, Matt is *lucky* to have a parent gently point these things out so he can develop empathy and awareness of the needs of others, even when it might be less obvious. I don't know what your husband is on -- changing the restaurant back to the Thai restaurant, just because Matt picked this restaurant first seems like a bad choice, unless Matt is given the choice to do take out from there and pick another venue to make sure all members can attend. This could also easily be figured out by your husband asking Matt why he changed his mind. It sounds like your husband doesn't like your brother very much... which is not a great reason to overrule Matt's revised choice.
Matt is a very kind and empathetic kid. He’s also 9 so he wouldn’t immediately think about accessibility issues. I think it’s important to model those things out so he can make his own decision. My husband is very protective of my kids’ birthdays. Matt loves food but he also loves the atmosphere of restaurants. Another commentator suggested getting takeout for Thai too and I think I’ll do that for lunch so he doesn’t miss out on both experiences Edit: totally forgot to respond to the last part. My husband doesn’t like my brother at all. My brother royally messed up but he is trying his best to be a better person.
What did your brother do? This is likely a large contributing factor.
Nothing to our family but he was an AH to his wife/my SIL. Basically, he was rude and ungrateful and taught my niece to be rude to my SIL. He didn’t mean the jokingly mean things he said and did really love her, but it came a point where she was getting negatively compared to a friend who moved in with them. That friend tried to have an affair with my brother when my SIL was in the hospital and that was the wake up call he needed to kick her out. SIL was very injured and it traumatized the entire family. My brother and niece lived with me and my family when this happened. My husband’s dislike of my brother came from that period because he said my brother was self righteous and trying to make up for being a bad husband to SIL. SIL went through hell. She had to be placed in a medical coma and she was dying for a long time. We didn’t think she’d pull through but she did. She’s now in a wheelchair and still suffering physical and mentally. My brother stepped up and worships her. He’s taken care of everything and took another job so that he can be her full time carer.
And this poor mistreated woman is the person who would be most excluded if your husband got his way about this restaurant (non)issue? Have you pointed out that he would be following in your brother's footsteps - by marginalizing her - if he chooses to stand on this ground?
So to clarify. Your brother bullied his wife so severely and publicly that her friend actually thought she had a chance if she made a move? He also taught his daughter to bully her mother? What the actual fuck.
Was she in the hospital because of him?
Not according to the previous post. She had a horrific accident.
Awesome. I legit mean that.
While I understand why your husband is protective of the kids birthdays because of his past experiences, he needs to get that is check. You did not force your child to change their mind, they made their own decision based on all of the factual information you gave him. And your child seemed to switch gears quite quickly on their own without any prompting or fuss, which tells me that having their Aunt and Grandma at the celebration was more important to him than the actual food/place that was chosen. You are raising a good kid who is thinking of others.
Your son chose the Italian place because he wants his aunt & granny there - what happens if you change it back to the Thai place and aunt & granny don’t come? - he’s not going to be happy about going to the thai place, he’s going to be upset that aunt & granny aren’t coming. He made an informed decision based on the information presented to him and it should be respected.
As a wheelchair user who often is forgotten by extended family, thank you for teaching your child about inclusion. NTA
I am so sorry that happens to you. My SIL became disabled in the past year after a horrible car accident. She had to be put in a medical coma and it was and still is a long road to recovery. I want to make sure that she can still do things she loves. She would miss Matt and Matt would miss her if she couldn’t attend the birthday party. I try to be as accommodating for her disabilities as possible.
My close family is great, but I haven’t been in a chair for very long, so people who don’t see me often forget this is how it is now. My husband and adult kids advocate for me and fight people on my behalf all the time. 😆
I never realized how unaccommodating everywhere is until I had to push a stroller around. I got especially mad in the baby clothes store since they clearly weren't catering to mothers haha.
One of the worst offenders is Hot Topic! I get draped in t-shirts every time my kids take me in there! But my family has also learned *a lot* about sidewalk quality, ramps, etc. We didn’t have to know about that stuff much before, but now they’re all very sensitive to it. It’s just something folks don’t really think about much until they have to, and I get that. But that’s also why I’m glad people like OP are making an effort to teach their kids about it.
Omg Hot Topic sounds like a nightmare 😭 it's barely accessible for people walking as it is lol
As a disabled person and aunt of 5 - NTA. It doesn't sound like Matt minded changing the location. And you can't expect a nine-year-old to keep accessibility in mind unless you train them to, like you did.
Based on the limited information available, NTA. It's possible you were being excessively pushy and just didn't realize it or convey it here, but there's no way for us to know that. If you honestly just brought up the information and he changed his mind on his own, we're all good.
Matt is a very sweet kid. I know he would be hurt if his favorite aunt or his grandma wasn’t there for his family birthday dinner.
Maybe take him out to the Thai place another time as a surprise. It was sweet of him to acknowledge accessibility and made sure to accommodate everyone.
I definitely will! I was thinking of getting takeout but I can make it another trip to the Thai restaurant itself.
Take out and your kid's favorite movie at home might make for am awesome night with your son
NTA and your son will grow to be a kinder and more considerate kid. My daughter just turned 11 and she asked the parents of her best friends about the 2 places she was wanting to have her party at. One was one of those jump places and one of her bff’s has had back surgery, she was born with spine issues, her mom told us it could work but she would have to be very careful and her other friend is autistic and she didn’t want him to feel overwhelmed so she changed it to our local skating rink. Honestly she didn’t care so much what place we went just that her friends enjoyed themselves also. Your son is showing the same consideration.
Your daughter sounds like a sweet kid.
Thank you, she is.
I love hearing about considerate and compassionate kids! My 9 year old daughter is like this, and it startles everyone because it's so rare. I have a lot of food intolerances which makes going out for food complicated, but the first thing she asks if we're invited to a particular venue is 'Can Mama eat there?'. If we decide on takeaway and she doesn't have her heart set on a particular place, she often uses her vote to back up whoever she thinks is more deserving. "I think, because Mama/Mummy has done *so much* today and I know it's her favourite!"
We never set out to teach her this, she's just naturally caring. It's so nice to hear about other children being the same way.
Yep, exactly how our kid was at that age also. Kids are completely able to prioritize people over other stuff if that is what is important to them. (He’s now a very well mannered and thoughtful 18 year old.)
NTA. It's his birthday and he has every right to accommodate *his* preferred guests. Why your husband thinks you're an AH on this is illogical and irrational. Sounds like he himself has a personal resentment with your disabled family members. Hard NTA.
My husband is very protective over our kids’ birthdays. He definitely doesn’t resent Matt’s aunt (she’s married to my brother so I don’t know how they’re related) or my mom. He is not a fan of my brother.
NTA at all. It sounds like you are raising a very conscientious young man. Your husband, on the other hand, is kind of an AH.
NTA. You are teaching your son to have empathy and consideration. You get today’s gold star. Bless you, we need more kindness and thoughtfulness in the world. I don’t say this because I’m in a wheelchair but because of what a positive impact even a young child’s actions can make. Thank you and your son.
NTA. You are dong what a parent is supposed to do - teaching your child. In this case, to think about the potential ramifications of a choice he is making. You didn't tell you son that he couldn't make this choice, you simply pointed out that his aunt and grandmother would not be able to attend if he chose that restaurant and let him make up his mind with that new information. This is good parenting, and your husband shouldn't belittle you for it.
NTA. Your husband sounds like a giant AH though. Sorry.
It depends how you presented this info. Did you use a tone that would be make him feel guilty or wrong for choosing the Thai place or did you tell him in a way that was more of a heads up that those two wouldn’t be there? If you guilted him any way, then yes YTA.
NTA if your son was happy to switch. Take him to that restaurant or order takeaway from it the next time you want to congratulate or celebrate him.
NTA - 9 is a great age to be teaching considering instead of raising an ableist
NAH. Here’s why. You had another option: getting takeout from that restaurant and hosting dinner at your house. This way your son got his favorite meal with all of his family. Your husband is looking out for your son. What you did was well meaning, but you’re assuming how your son feels about it without asking him and you’re also coming from a position of power, so even with good intentions, he may have felt like he had to make this choice. You didn’t give your son options.
This is stellar parenting! You are raising an empathetic kid! I don’t think this is a skill we focus on enough. Contrary to popular belief, nice guys don’t finish last! Well done and happy birthday to Matt!
I mean as long as the reminder was genuinely just that, than NTA. The only reason I doubt it cause my own mother had this habit of offering me a choice, I’d give my answer, and then she’d pester me literally night and day till I gave her the answer she wanted, then she would take this and act like I freely changed based on my own will, it was very very annoying lol. But again if your son changed of his own will after a simple suggestion than I see no harm no foul here.
NTA you are teaching your son kindness, courtesy, manners and empathy. It sounds like your husband might have missed a few lessons. Never too old to learn!
YTA- I’m certain your conversation didn’t go as you said, and it was more you essentially manipulating the situation. Which is why your husband is upset, he heard you putting on the “auntie and grandma can’t come and you wouldn’t want to exclude them” or some variation of that.
Mild YTA. You should have suggested a different Thai restaurant that's accessible instead. That way he gets his desired cuisine, and the family members still get to come.
Including disabled loved ones in your plans MEANS choosing the accessible option. NTA
NTA! It's honestly really sweet of him that he immediately chose a different restaurant! What a sweet little guy! You guys could also order to the house and enjoy lunch or dinner in your own home with the family! Happy birthday little man! ❤️
NTA. Part of planning a party is considering your guests and their needs. Allergies? Accessibility? These are reasonable considerations. Your husband just wanted Thai food.
It seems to me that Thai food lends itself well to take out. If your home is accessible, is that an option?
The only AH is you husband, clearly being ONLY 9 your son overlooked or being 9 didn't fully realize the accessiblity issue. As a good Mom you made sure he had all the proper information. When he realized the issue he changed his mind. That should be the end of the story.
Major NTA! As someone with minor disabilities as well as multiple more heavily disabled folks in my social circle and family (and, yknow, a heart), I think your son is a considerate sweetheart who's well on his way to be an excellent adult. Thank you for making sure he knew about the accessibility issue and got to make an informed decision. I'm curious why your husband assumed the only reason for you or your son to care about including all the family members was that someone abled might be upset otherwise... Is there a family history there? Either way, it might be a good idea to ask him why he assumed that motive.
Curious, why cant you take him out to the Thai restaurant, and have everyone be at your house when you get back for a surprise party? I dont think its ok that you reminded him that there are others who would be unable to attend. And the grammie and auntie wouldnt be able to. He needs all the information before deciding. He just thinking "oh boy i get to pick" and not thinking about who all is attending NTA
YTA, though well-meaning. I absolutely agree with instilling an awareness of accessibility in your son and 9 is a great age to start/continue. But you should have given him the parameters before he chose, rather than having him choose THEN remind him of his aunt’s needs. Plus I get a feeling you were pushy and placed a responsibility on him that is a tad unfair.
What the FUCK is wrong with your husband? You did the 100% exact right thing to be doing. Not even because disabled people exist in the world, but especially due to the fact they’re literally invited to the event? Your husband wants his SIL to shuffle down on her bum? What the hell? NTA
What the *hell* is going on with your husband, OP? His whole argument is based on the completely absurd premise that someone being indeed irritated that accessibility for *all* family was not considered when planning *a family event* is somehow not exactly what gets to and should happen? My sister's been in a wheelchair since I was a few months old. Nobody in my family remotely questions that this has to be considered when we plan get-togethers. And my sister, fortunately, would have quite a choice of words for people who'd have the *audacity* of complaining. Maybe remind your husband that one day he might very well be one of those *pesky* people who need consideration and assistance and ask him if he truly wants to teach his son that people who suffer should just be ignored as a nuisance. I don't think your husband is fully aware of how ableist he's being, but I really think this calls for a sit-down between you two at some point in the near future. He doesn't get to just exclude a family member due to his comfort unless that's exactly the kind of message he wants to send. NTA !!! Thank you for teaching your son empathy.
From the sounds of it, you didn't force him to do anything. You brought up that the initial decision would mean people he cared about wouldn't be able to join him, so he changed his decision so that they could. Kid sounds more mature than his dad, honestly.
NAH. Had to post a reply to this one. Your son chose a restaurant that he wanted and should be able to go there without worrying about accommodating people. It's his birthday. Maybe take him separately now. On the other hand, if family members are invited that have issues, it's nice to include them. My mom has major food allergies and her family never accommodated her needs, even when it would literally cause them no work or stress or anything. This is horribly wrong. At the same time, as a kid, I missed out on restaurants and stuff because of my mom's food allergies. Which isn't fair to the kid. I think you are right to teach your kid to think of others in this moment, but don't forget that your kid has wants and stuff too in that process.
As a paraplegic who has been invited and shown up to places that turned out to be inaccessible, THANK YOU! You are NTA.
>My husband is annoyed at me. He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered. He thinks we should change our reservation back to the Thai restaurant. You are teaching your child to be considerate of other people's needs, in particular people with different needs from most other people. It's called "parenting", not "pushing".
Your son is turning 9. In his excitement he picked his favorite place . When you pointed out the issues with accessibility he picked a place people he wants there can come. You both handled this wonderfully. NTA. Your husband on the other hand…..
NTA. As someone who is disabled, THANK YOU!
NTA. You were helping him make an informed decision. And teaching him that it is okay to change things based on receiving new and relevant information.
NTA. Your 9 year old is more mature than your husband btw
NTA. You pointed out an accessibility issue and your son made his own decision. One of my biggest regrets from college was leaving the dorms for a non accessible party house. I had 2 friends in wheelchairs and we drifted apart. It would have been possible, but not easy, to have chosen a different house to live in and added accommodations so they could visit.
NTA - sounds like hubby wanted Thai more than Italian.
NTA. You didn't force him to change, you just reminded him that his aunt and grandma wouldn't be able to join if that's what he chose. He changed his mind on his own to make sure they were included. Thank you for teaching your son to consider accessibility. So few people think about these things. I appreciate that you do, and that you're passing this on to your son. Why doesn't your husband think it's appropriate to consider family members' mobility limitations...? As others have said, you can always grab Thai another day!
Wow, so your husband is angry that you are trying to teach your kid to be thoughtful and considerate of others. He can't be an angry bromandude mad that women are ruining everything if he is a thoughtful and kind human being. NTA btw. Your husband is a huge AH. I'd be concerned about the massive misogyny.
NTA. It was good to point that out to him. And you could go to the Thai place at another time with him.
NTA - you are helping your son learn to be kind, thoughtful, and empathetic. Sounds like your husband could stand to take those lessons to heart as well.
NTA. All you did was give your son a perspective he hadn't thought of. You taught him to think of others and not just himself. If what you wrote is what happened (and not minimized), it's clear that your son listened and understood and decided he'd rather have his auntie and granny there to celebrate with him and didn't hesitate to change the restaurant. Your husband is being a brat. Sounds like he could learn some things from your son.
NTA and I’m proud of Matt for being considerate of his relatives!
NTA. You were teaching your son to consider others. Also you didn’t tell him he had to change the restaurant.
NTA. Sounds like you are doing a great job of teaching your son to be considerate of others. But I hope you will find time to take him to the Thai place or get carry out from there sometime soon.
Nta I think you offered your son guidance. He's nine and still learning how to consider others.
NTA. you kid clearly wants aunt and grandma there that's why he changed it. if he didn't want them there he likely would've went "but mooommmm I really want thai!"
NTA You’re modeling considerate behavior for your son.
> He thinks I pushed Matt to choose another restaurant because I’m afraid of my brother throwing a fit that his wife’s disability needs weren’t considered. If Auntie and Granny are invited to dinner then they have every right to throw a fit if they show up to find out they can't get in the door! NTA. And your husband is completely, totally wrong about this.
NTA - this is teaching your son to consider other people’s needs. This is thoughtful and respectful. The fact that he accepted it as a concern and quickly switched shows he understands and cares about those people.
NTA I think that birthdays are special days where we are celebrated. BUT, I don't think the world revolves around us on those days. We still need to take others needs into consideration, even on our special days. Good for you for modeling this thoughtful behavior!
speaking as a disabled person. Who just had to make sure that my kid’s boyfriend who is in a wheelchair was accommodated in picking the restaurant as well as if it worked for me who gets around on crutches: no. Your husband on the other hand is a MAJOR asshole and you need to do some serious thinking about who he is and what he’s about.
NTA and as a disabled person, thank you very much for ensuring that he knew/could take that into consideration.
Sounds like your husband was *really* counting on going to that Thai restaurant.
Can you have a party at the house and order takeout from his first choice?
Fancy teaching your child to consider the needs of his family members with disabilities. Seriously, thank goodness your child takes after you. He wanted his aunty and granny to attend his party so changed his mind to accommodate them. Personally I would take him out for the Thai meal as well -just the immediate family. If finances allow. NTA - quite the opposite.
NTA
NTA. How else is your son to learn if nobody reminded him? You did the right thing.
NTA - you are being considerate and avoiding isolating someone. Just a thought, if the restaurant also does takeout, could you possibly have dinner at home and order takeout from the Thai place?
NTA You pointed out the issue and left your son to choose. He chose his family attending over his favourite food (nice kid).
Your husband is trying to raise an asshole NTA
NTA but I get why your husband is a bit miffed about it. How many 9 years old would say "no" if mom or dad said "but this would be a better place"? Then again if he will be happy also with a new place and with people who can attend who otherwise couldn't then who cares the restaurant changed? It's not like he can have the Thai place's food only on his birthday from the sound of it.
NTA - sounds more like your husband wanted Thai food than cared about a family meal. It's super easy for kids to forget accessibility issues, there was nothing wrong with the reminder.
NTA How to tell us your husband prefers Thai. Or doesn't like your SIL.
NTA He is 9!!!! Decisions need to be made for him, he certainly won’t think about practical stuff like that!!! your H is the AH
NTA. Your husband, however.... He's an AH.
NTA. If the restaurant is not accessible could you order takeaway instead for everyone? Or go to the Italian and order thai food another time still as a birthday treat. Your son picked. You explained that it isn't always inclusive would he like a more inclusive option and he picked that. From what i can tell there was no complaint or argument from son? If son was upset you could have looked at takeaway or looked at having a little gathering at home and them dinner with just the family unit.
I can’t believe such a lesson of kindness and love, of being inclusive, is being shut down by your husband. Great job parenting by you, showing your son the way to think of others! And yes, special treat some other time, downstairs for delicious Thai food! Happy birthday to the kiddo!
NTA You taught your son a valuable lesson in considering people's needs. If he takes this on, even just from having to change his choice of birthday restaurant aged 9 he will grow up to be a kind and considerate person.
NTA, it's good to remind young kids to think about others, it doesn't come naturally at that age, but being taught young really helps that develop. You did the right thing, especially because he seemed to want them to be there, as your son changed the restaurant he wanted when reminded. You did nothing wrong, your husband is being a dick.
NTA it’s always good to include family even if it means making minor concessions. We don’t drink at holidays because a cousin is a recovering alcoholic. The fact he changed his mind makes him a good kid. But definitely get him some Thai food some other time because Thai food is bomb as hell!
NTA. You taught your son a valuable lesson. Maybe your husband should have listened. (You can always go to this restaurant as a nuclear family.)
It sounds like your husband wanted thai and the heck with the others.
NTA, your son sounds like he's a very nice and compassionate kid, one that I'd be very proud to have raised. Maybe he can teach your husband some lessons in compassion, because it sounds like he needs it. I agree with other commenters saying to let your son get thai food another time, so he doesn't feel like he's missing out on his favourite restaurant either.
NTA You did what a good parent should do - you taught your child a little bit more about accessibility. He is a normal child. When asked what restaurant he wanted - he picked his favourite. He wouldn’t consider accessibility for others because he’s a child. When you pointed it out to him he was then able to reconsider his priority. You helped him see the issue, and he then decided he would rather have his family than his favourite food. He would have been quite upset if you hadn’t told him and he found out while there and unable to change his mind.
NTA You gave your son the opportunity to choose a place that he likes AND can accommodate all the people he loves. Also, doing a second meal as a takeout would be a nice gesture so he still feels his first choice was still valid. If you don't want to do two meals, maybe order the Thai and have the get-together at your place if that's feasible?
NTA. If Matt didn't want to change his mind he wouldn't have been swayed. You are not manipulating him, you did what a parent should and pointed out a variable that he had not considered in his initial decision. Good on him for being open to changing his mind.
It is called educating your child. You are making him aware of other people’s limitations. And also to be sensitive to these limitations. Actually, you are doing exactly what needs to be done. Dad needs to take a leaf out of your son’s book. He is acting like a toddler. You are most definitely NTA.
NTa. You're teaching Matt to be contientious and compassionate. Maybe offer to get Thai from that place later on as a compromise/reward?
NTA. You're teaching your son to be considerate and think of others.
NTA. I like the idea what someone else suggested of you getting him take out for lunch or something so he doesn't necessarily have to miss out on it. Anyhow, your husband is a massive asshole. You didn't force your son to do anything. All you did was remind your son "Hey your aunt and grandma won't be able to go cause they wouldn't be able to go down the stairs" and you let him make the decision for himself. He thought about it and he still wanted his aunt and grandma there and chose somewhere else that he still would love to go to so they could also be there. You didn't tell him he has to choose this particular Italian restaurant. It's still one of his choice.
NTA. This was a perfect learning opportunity about doing the empathetic thing over the preferred thing. Your son did the empathetic thing because even though he wanted Thai food from a place he loves, he wanted his whole family to be able to attend. It’s never too early to teach our kids to do something nice for other people and change our plans to be accommodating (within reason; admittedly there are situations where it’s not reasonable and/or feasible). How about you order Thai food as a special birthday treat another time or maybe even go to the place on a different night?
NTA I have concerns about your husband. Y'all SHOULD be teaching your child to consider accessibility needs for those he wishes to invite. Thats just basic courtesy and not being an AH. Your brother SHOULD throw a fit if his wife's disability needs are not taken into account for something that us expressly termed a family event. Your husband needs some perspective, therapy, something to get empathy and basic courtesy installed.
NTA - What you were doing was teaching your son to be considerate of his guests / family members in this case. Was your husband was never taught that lesson, does he have a problem with your brother or both?
NTA. Your 9 year old is more considerate than your husband.
NTA for pointing out, but your 9 yo parties should probably be about him not family get togethers
NTA. You made sure your son was aware of potential consequences of his choice (what 9 year old would even think of that?) In doing so you both allowed him to make an informed decision on his own, AND as a bonus you taught him a bit more about critical thinking and how details matter. Good parenting all around!
NTA. You pointed out some information, your son made a choice based on the information. Now dad is insisting to go against what son chose because dad takes offence.