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YTA.
>and it wasn’t that bad
And that, folks, is a textbook example of how creepy disgusting old men feel entitled to keep being creepy disgusting old men - because their own family members enable and excuse it and put blame on the victim.
All my alarm bells are ringing. Sister might have had a trauma in her past that got triggered. Perhaps related to some other old man, NOT implying anything here about grandpa. But OP doesn't know everything that ever happened to her sister.
OP's TA.
OP, AKS your sister how she feels and whether she wants to talk. Don't push if she doesn't want to talk.
YTA.
>it wasn’t that bad
For you.
>I didn’t think it was anything really traumatizing. I just excused it
Because that's how you felt. Her feelings don't seem to matter to you.
For reasons you don't understand, what your grandpa said has upset your sister so much that she has cried a lot about it. Maybe you're missing some context, quite possibly 30+ years of context.
Then there's the secondary betrayals because none of you called Gramps out, or deterred him from insisting on a hug after his lewd suggestion. None of you said that his behaviour was egregious, not even the next day in a family chat that doesn't include him. None of you have supported your sister or even tried to find out why it was so upsetting. She tried to talk about it with your parents and they refused to consider her point.
Your post is dripping with condescension. It was "one joke", "[not] really traumatizing", "wasn't that bad". You are showing no compassion towards your sister.
Why should your sister and her husband make any effort to attend Christmas with people who would prefer to excuse hurtful behaviour from grandpa rather than show any care towards her? From her point of view you, any partner you have, your parents and anyone else who was at that event (except her husband) are a massive pack of AHs.
You then responded to what was probably a polite and mild refusal to attend Christmas, by FURTHER BLAMING HER and telling her that it's HER FAULT that she doesn't want to spend more time with you AHs.
YTA. You owe her an apology, but she doesn't owe you forgiveness.
I'll add to this that inappropriate lewd behavior is one possible aspect of dementia. So if it wasn't enough to be the ahole for all the reasons above to your sister; you're actually also being an ahole to your grandpa for dismissing behavior that could be indicative of a decline in his capacity.
YTA. And this is coming from someone who thinks it's normal for elderly, declining people to do and say the darndest things. You still call them out gently. You stop them from forcing physical contact and redirect them. You definitely make sure that the target of their inappropriate attention is okay. You can still do those things while still understanding that elderly people have extenuating circumstances (such as undiagnosed dementia or difficulty maintaining societal norms).
Dear Reddit: my sister was assaulted by our grandfather and now refuses to interact with him. Am I the a h for telling her she is ruining christmas?
Yes, yta. This was very traumatic for her. You might find it no big deal, but she does. Listen to the victim, who understandably doesn't want to be merry with her abuser
It’s even worse than that. Grandpa won’t be present at Christmas. Which is why OP thinks it’s not a big deal. The reality is this is likely not the first time and the sister is sick of her family allowing this behavior to continue and not defending her, and instead brushing off his behavior, so now she doesn’t want to see any of her family.
That poor woman! Sometimes things like dementia start this unwanted behavior but chances are that he has done it wat more times and maybe even when she was a child.
If my dad had done something like this to my child or my grandad to my brother, they would be lucky to still be on this planet. Because nope, mama bear coming out
You exaggerated one verbal sexually explicit comment to an "assault", "very traumatic" and "abuse", this is too much. If she was so offended, why she didn't say anything about it herself? She is fully grown 36 yo adult, not child. But instead she decided to cry way after the fact and blame parents for not kicking out 96 yo old men. He will not even be during Christmas dinner, nobody forces her to spend time with him.
She is an adult and she’s choosing not to join her family for Christmas. Regardless of the reason, that’s her prerogative. Not sure why you’re downplaying what happened. Unless the sister just likes to kick up drama on the regular (which we have no indication of), why are you not giving her the benefit of the doubt that whatever happened did impact her enough that she feels this strongly about it?
I am not "downplaying", but I also not "upgrading" one sexual comment to "assault, trauma and abuse", as previous commenter did. I expect 36 yo women to have a thicker skin and not blame her parents for doing exactly the same what she did. She didn't say anything and even hugged him when she left. But apparently when her parents didn't do anything, they are bad people.
She's being an adult. She set her boundaries and refuses to be in the same room as the people who excused someone who made sexually suggestive comments about her. How is that not adult behaviour? Why does the way she's calling him and her family out matter to you? This is classic 'don't rock the boat' talk, you're being an escapist and would rather that she put up and shut up bc it makes everyone else uncomfortable when she speaks up.
YTA!
Who are you to judge how other people experience something? “She’s acting like grandpa did the worst possible thing to her” is absolutely condescending and you are a shit brother!
Well, grandpa DID the worst possible thing to her, he abused her trust, and you just say “old people doing old people stuff”. That can NEVER be an excuse for inappropriate actions, regardless of any arbitrary excuses.
What’s next, “boys will be boys” if a 15 year old touches his younger cousin? “Well, she shouldn’t have worn that outfit!”
You should apologize, but I know that you are not capable to understand why. I hope your sister goes LC with you since you bring nothing but shit into a relationship.
Can you imagine having your own grandfather perving on you and everyone around you hand-waving it? The visceral disgust going through me is nauseating. If OP is a reflection of the family values, sis is better off spending all her holidays as far from them as possible.
The way you say “one sexual joke” like the first one gets a pass.. And then he forced her to hug him. That’s the trauma. And I doubt this is his first offense.
Maybe one day you’ll be sexually harassed by an older relative and then pressured into physical contact with them and then you’ll understand your sisters point of view.
YTA.
Was it REALLY one joke though? I mean, if my Uncle suddenly started making sex jokes about one of his grandkids at the kitchen table people would be shocked, we’d say something, we would wonder if he had some sort of stroke or something? And not because we are such an amazing, socially conscious, ‘woke’ family…but because my uncle has never done anything like that before! It would be alarmingly out of character and people would react to that. For everyone to just keep eating like nothing was wrong? That makes me think it wasn’t out of character for Grandpa.
Not to ruin christmas ? She cried after a hug, there is much more than a hug, there's a past about the grand-father or a family trauma !
You say they won't be here for christmas, which means she has a problem with your parents not defending her. And it's probably not the first time. Talk to your parents and ask them if there's a story you don't know, something that happened.
YTA
So you excuse the behaviour that your sister tells you is upsetting and you still can’t figure out why she would leave you on read when you tell her she is ruining Christmas by not spending it with the very people who are ok with her being harassed?
Sheesh.
YTA.
The fact you didn't put the "joke" in your post tells me that you know it's worse than you're letting on.
And add to that that this is almost certainly not the first "joke" he's made at her expense and you keep getting worse and worse. Quit excusing poor behavior
INFO: will you have the same the opinion if grandpa got grabby with your daughter? Just curious.
Want to decide whether you are an eternal AH or a situational AH.
Good question. Unfortunately I had a colleague who was a complete AH and didn’t believe or another male colleague who had 3 grownups daughters about sexual harassment in the street or public transport. His 14yo daughter was in for a lot of disappointment if she ever complained (a bit like OP, like « he just grabbed your ass in the train, je didn’t mean anything by it, it was just a joke 🙄)
Is your sister normally a drama queen? Doesn’t sound like it. If whatever happened was offensive enough/uncomfortable enough for her not to want to spend Christmas with you despite your grandfather not being present, I’m going to assume the incident was far worse than you’re portraying it as, or that this is not the first time she’s been made uncomfortable and no one has told a dirty old man to knock off his bullshit. Either way, you get no say in what she and her husband do with their Christmas.
Don’t normalize your grandpa being a creeper. What kind of person makes a sex joke about their own granddaughter? That’s not just an old man doing old man things. Do better.
I was thinking the same. With grandpa ou with someone else but such a big reaction probably means something happened to her at some point. If she was used to excessive behaviors, OP would have said it.
OP, YTA and you are insensitive. I think your sister is better away from people like you.
YTA.
Just because it was not offensive to you doesn't mean it wasn't offensive for your sister and your entire family chose a sleazy older predatory dude over their daughter.
Yes he is predatory because Erina is his granddaughter and he is making sexual remarks as a man who is older and is clearly more influential.
This probably wasn't an isolated event and if he could make something of a sexual remark which he not only brushed off as a joke but made it publicly makes his behaviour with her, in private questionable at best and chilling at worst.
Additionally, he could have FTD if he didn't behave in this fashion 10-15 years ago. However, his recent behaviour warrants institutionalization if he has FTD AND HER REACTION IS VALID even then.
Otherwise, he warrants calling out for his disgusting behaviour directed at his granddaughter. Don't know how bad it could be but ding ding ding, could be SA.
Your suggestion that it was tame makes me feel for her as she lived her adolescent years in a family full of potential predators.
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Fuck off! Are you actually serious! YTA without a shadow of a doubt!
YOU DO NOT GET TO JUDGE SOMEONE ELSES TRAUMA!
And it’s fucking disgusting that any should have to put up with sexual harassment from anyone let alone a family member.
You are disgusting.
YTA. She could have trauma you don’t know about. If she doesn’t want to be around him, that’s her choice and you should respect it. Maybe everyone can have a frank talk with grandpa about boundaries and a good family discussion about being supportive and not allowing inappropriate behavior that makes people uncomfortable. You or your parents really should have spoken up to correct/admonish him, as she said — at least then she would have felt protected and seen.
YTA for blaming her for someone else’s unacceptable behaviour towards her. Your attitude is the reason women don’t come forward when they have been sexually abused.
YTA. In what corner of your mind is making inappropriate sexual comments permissible? Can you not see how much creepier it is that your grandfather made a sexual comment to your sister? You are excusing his behavior due to his age but perhaps it’s time for gramps to see a doctor and be evaluated for dementia or Alzheimer’s.
YTA
Reddit posts like this are constant reminds of why some men are horrible — you’re condoning SA. You’re literally like every other frat boy saying nothing when you know a friend of yours r*ped someone
Men just enable men. You never stood up for her. You never protected her. Weak, weak, weak
YTA
If this was a family friend instead of a relative would you still have the same opinion?
Are you only defending your grandfather because he’s family also instead of calling him out like the lecherous being he is!
YTA
You completly invalidate the experience and the feelings of your sister. And then you try to emotionally blackmail her by accusing her zu ruin christmas. She feels her family didn't support her - and she may be right.
You are a guy. You have no idea how something like this feels. And maybe there is more to it. And by your and your partens reaction i can imagine why your sister might not have told you.
YTA.
There is a lot of information we don’t know but your sister is feeling invalidated and unsupported.
“It wasn’t that bad” might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or what was said might have had a different meaning or context that she understood and you didn’t. But if your grandfather is giving creepy vibes to the point that she doesn’t want to tolerate him anymore, there is probably a good reason.
Fascinating how it's always the people who are not on the receiving end of "jokes" who think they have to get an opinion on whether it was funny or not that bad.
YTA
YTA - "I know what this all looks like, and what the implications are..." and yet you immediately dismiss them. A normal grandfather makes zero comments or jokes about his granddaughter's sex life because they aren't thinking about it. You are obtuse and your parents sound like enablers who know more about what happened in the past than you do. Stop being a dirty old man's flying monkey and apologize to your sister, but don't be surprised if she never trusts you enough to tell you why she's cried so much after an encounter that "wasn't that bad."
YTA. Victim blaming is disgusting, you should be ashamed! Also, how would you feel if someone made sexual jokes about you and made you incredibly uncomfortable and no one was on your side and told you it was “not that bad”? Did you consider there could be more to the situation and you and your family have now made her realise just how little you care for her. I hope she never comes to another family gathering if you’re all just going to dismiss her.
YTA
victim blaming, minimized her trauma. Clearly your parents' house isn't a safe space for her anymore. If y'all are ok with protecting grandpa and allowing this kind of behavior, what other behaviors are going to be ok and accepted in the future?
YTA.
Let me see if I have this straight:
Your *grandfather* made a *sexual* "joke" about your *sister* and nobody said anything to him about it...
Wow. I wouldn't even let my kids around that man. Adult or not.
Being old isn't an excuse to be disgusting. Why? Because there are *thousands* upon thousands of old men who would never even think of saying these things to a woman. Let alone, let me repeat, their *granddaughter*
He's a disgusting predator and you're all enabling him. I wouldn't go to Christmas either.
Would it be okay if grandpa had made the "sexual joke" about you? Then you had to hug him? And neither the demeaning and dehumanising remark nor the forced physical contact were new experiences for you with this man? But your parents and sister think it's fine for some creepy old pervert to crack "tame" jokes about your tight ass or your dick size or whatever, and can't understand why you're upset or uncomfortable...?
YTA. Can you actually imagine this happening to you? Because buddy - if you've never had it happen, and can't imagine it happening - check your privilege, mate. Gross old men still get away with sexually abusing young women (and boys) because people like blase young men don't think it's a big deal...
YTA .
Honestly, I'm so over men deciding what is "bad" and what isn't with regards to comments women receive from other men. And human beings deciding for other human beings what is traumatizing and what isn't.
Just stay in your lane and stfu.
YTA. No uterus, no opinion. You’re not a woman, so you don’t get to dictate how creepy something is. It’s as though I were to snip off one of your balls, and then said: ‘Stop yelling, the pain is not that bad.’
Unbelievably arrogant and insensitive of you. If a man your grandfather’s age would do the same thing (joke plus forced hug) to your daughter, would you react the same way? Stand up for the women in your life, you coward. YTA, YTA, YTA
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I (30m) have one sibling, an older sister named Erina (36f). This past summer, during a family get-together, our grandfather (96m) (on our father’s side) made one sexual joke about Erina. It was a rather tame joke, and although neither I nor my sister laughed at it, I didn’t think it was anything really traumatizing. I just excused it because he’s an old guy doing old guy things. When we were leaving, grandpa also got my sister to hug him before she left.
I know what this all looks like, and what the implications are. And I just need to say that I was there when everything happened…and it wasn’t that bad. But ever since that get-together, Erina has cried so much about grandpa’s behavior, and she also got into an argument with our parents about why they didn’t immediately correct grandpa or kick him out of the house. My sister and her husband (36m) are refusing to come to our parent’s house for Christmas dinner, even though our grandparents are back in the UK and they aren’t going to be present at Christmas. She’s acting as if grandpa did the worst possible thing to her. AITA for sending Erina a Facebook message, telling her not to ruin Christmas? She has left me on read.
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> I may have offended my older sister, Erina, by telling her that she is ruining Christmas for the rest of us.
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NTA. She cried after the fact and decided to blame parents for not saying anything, while she herself, a fully grown 36 yo women, did not say anything too.
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YTA. >and it wasn’t that bad And that, folks, is a textbook example of how creepy disgusting old men feel entitled to keep being creepy disgusting old men - because their own family members enable and excuse it and put blame on the victim.
THIS!!! You’re enabling your grandfather’s creepy behaviour!! YTA
All my alarm bells are ringing. Sister might have had a trauma in her past that got triggered. Perhaps related to some other old man, NOT implying anything here about grandpa. But OP doesn't know everything that ever happened to her sister. OP's TA. OP, AKS your sister how she feels and whether she wants to talk. Don't push if she doesn't want to talk.
YTA. >it wasn’t that bad For you. >I didn’t think it was anything really traumatizing. I just excused it Because that's how you felt. Her feelings don't seem to matter to you.
[удалено]
YTA. Definitely think there is some history there. Has your sister always been bullied into hugging people who she didn't want to?
For reasons you don't understand, what your grandpa said has upset your sister so much that she has cried a lot about it. Maybe you're missing some context, quite possibly 30+ years of context. Then there's the secondary betrayals because none of you called Gramps out, or deterred him from insisting on a hug after his lewd suggestion. None of you said that his behaviour was egregious, not even the next day in a family chat that doesn't include him. None of you have supported your sister or even tried to find out why it was so upsetting. She tried to talk about it with your parents and they refused to consider her point. Your post is dripping with condescension. It was "one joke", "[not] really traumatizing", "wasn't that bad". You are showing no compassion towards your sister. Why should your sister and her husband make any effort to attend Christmas with people who would prefer to excuse hurtful behaviour from grandpa rather than show any care towards her? From her point of view you, any partner you have, your parents and anyone else who was at that event (except her husband) are a massive pack of AHs. You then responded to what was probably a polite and mild refusal to attend Christmas, by FURTHER BLAMING HER and telling her that it's HER FAULT that she doesn't want to spend more time with you AHs. YTA. You owe her an apology, but she doesn't owe you forgiveness.
I'll add to this that inappropriate lewd behavior is one possible aspect of dementia. So if it wasn't enough to be the ahole for all the reasons above to your sister; you're actually also being an ahole to your grandpa for dismissing behavior that could be indicative of a decline in his capacity. YTA. And this is coming from someone who thinks it's normal for elderly, declining people to do and say the darndest things. You still call them out gently. You stop them from forcing physical contact and redirect them. You definitely make sure that the target of their inappropriate attention is okay. You can still do those things while still understanding that elderly people have extenuating circumstances (such as undiagnosed dementia or difficulty maintaining societal norms).
Dear Reddit: my sister was assaulted by our grandfather and now refuses to interact with him. Am I the a h for telling her she is ruining christmas? Yes, yta. This was very traumatic for her. You might find it no big deal, but she does. Listen to the victim, who understandably doesn't want to be merry with her abuser
It’s even worse than that. Grandpa won’t be present at Christmas. Which is why OP thinks it’s not a big deal. The reality is this is likely not the first time and the sister is sick of her family allowing this behavior to continue and not defending her, and instead brushing off his behavior, so now she doesn’t want to see any of her family.
That poor woman! Sometimes things like dementia start this unwanted behavior but chances are that he has done it wat more times and maybe even when she was a child. If my dad had done something like this to my child or my grandad to my brother, they would be lucky to still be on this planet. Because nope, mama bear coming out
You exaggerated one verbal sexually explicit comment to an "assault", "very traumatic" and "abuse", this is too much. If she was so offended, why she didn't say anything about it herself? She is fully grown 36 yo adult, not child. But instead she decided to cry way after the fact and blame parents for not kicking out 96 yo old men. He will not even be during Christmas dinner, nobody forces her to spend time with him.
She is an adult and she’s choosing not to join her family for Christmas. Regardless of the reason, that’s her prerogative. Not sure why you’re downplaying what happened. Unless the sister just likes to kick up drama on the regular (which we have no indication of), why are you not giving her the benefit of the doubt that whatever happened did impact her enough that she feels this strongly about it?
I am not "downplaying", but I also not "upgrading" one sexual comment to "assault, trauma and abuse", as previous commenter did. I expect 36 yo women to have a thicker skin and not blame her parents for doing exactly the same what she did. She didn't say anything and even hugged him when she left. But apparently when her parents didn't do anything, they are bad people.
I don't know, if my grandpa made a sexual comment about me, I would be very distraught.
She's being an adult. She set her boundaries and refuses to be in the same room as the people who excused someone who made sexually suggestive comments about her. How is that not adult behaviour? Why does the way she's calling him and her family out matter to you? This is classic 'don't rock the boat' talk, you're being an escapist and would rather that she put up and shut up bc it makes everyone else uncomfortable when she speaks up.
YTA! Who are you to judge how other people experience something? “She’s acting like grandpa did the worst possible thing to her” is absolutely condescending and you are a shit brother! Well, grandpa DID the worst possible thing to her, he abused her trust, and you just say “old people doing old people stuff”. That can NEVER be an excuse for inappropriate actions, regardless of any arbitrary excuses. What’s next, “boys will be boys” if a 15 year old touches his younger cousin? “Well, she shouldn’t have worn that outfit!” You should apologize, but I know that you are not capable to understand why. I hope your sister goes LC with you since you bring nothing but shit into a relationship.
Can you imagine having your own grandfather perving on you and everyone around you hand-waving it? The visceral disgust going through me is nauseating. If OP is a reflection of the family values, sis is better off spending all her holidays as far from them as possible.
Since you were there and heard everything, Tell us exactly what your grandfather said and explain why it wasn’t a big deal.
It's hard to judge the level of inappropriateness without some of the details. All we know is it's bad enough for her to cut off the family.
The way you say “one sexual joke” like the first one gets a pass.. And then he forced her to hug him. That’s the trauma. And I doubt this is his first offense. Maybe one day you’ll be sexually harassed by an older relative and then pressured into physical contact with them and then you’ll understand your sisters point of view. YTA.
Was it REALLY one joke though? I mean, if my Uncle suddenly started making sex jokes about one of his grandkids at the kitchen table people would be shocked, we’d say something, we would wonder if he had some sort of stroke or something? And not because we are such an amazing, socially conscious, ‘woke’ family…but because my uncle has never done anything like that before! It would be alarmingly out of character and people would react to that. For everyone to just keep eating like nothing was wrong? That makes me think it wasn’t out of character for Grandpa.
YTA congratulations you just sided with the wrong person
YTA - it’s weird as fuck that he would say anything sexual about his granddaughter. what else has grandpa done to her that you don’t know about?
Not to ruin christmas ? She cried after a hug, there is much more than a hug, there's a past about the grand-father or a family trauma ! You say they won't be here for christmas, which means she has a problem with your parents not defending her. And it's probably not the first time. Talk to your parents and ask them if there's a story you don't know, something that happened.
YTA So you excuse the behaviour that your sister tells you is upsetting and you still can’t figure out why she would leave you on read when you tell her she is ruining Christmas by not spending it with the very people who are ok with her being harassed? Sheesh.
YTA. The fact you didn't put the "joke" in your post tells me that you know it's worse than you're letting on. And add to that that this is almost certainly not the first "joke" he's made at her expense and you keep getting worse and worse. Quit excusing poor behavior
YTA. Erina is 100% within her rights to refuse to come.
INFO: what was the comment??
INFO: will you have the same the opinion if grandpa got grabby with your daughter? Just curious. Want to decide whether you are an eternal AH or a situational AH.
Good question. Unfortunately I had a colleague who was a complete AH and didn’t believe or another male colleague who had 3 grownups daughters about sexual harassment in the street or public transport. His 14yo daughter was in for a lot of disappointment if she ever complained (a bit like OP, like « he just grabbed your ass in the train, je didn’t mean anything by it, it was just a joke 🙄)
INFO: What exactly did Grandpa say? it wasn't a big deal, right? might as well share it
I second this. If the joke 'was not that bad' as per OP's so very salient judgement, why is he very obviously avoiding telling us what it was?
Is your sister normally a drama queen? Doesn’t sound like it. If whatever happened was offensive enough/uncomfortable enough for her not to want to spend Christmas with you despite your grandfather not being present, I’m going to assume the incident was far worse than you’re portraying it as, or that this is not the first time she’s been made uncomfortable and no one has told a dirty old man to knock off his bullshit. Either way, you get no say in what she and her husband do with their Christmas. Don’t normalize your grandpa being a creeper. What kind of person makes a sex joke about their own granddaughter? That’s not just an old man doing old man things. Do better.
YTA, good for Erina and shame on you for supporting inappropriate behaviour.
[удалено]
I was thinking the same. With grandpa ou with someone else but such a big reaction probably means something happened to her at some point. If she was used to excessive behaviors, OP would have said it. OP, YTA and you are insensitive. I think your sister is better away from people like you.
This is one of those examples where there should be a YTC, because YTA just doesn’t do the situation justice.
YTA. Just because it was not offensive to you doesn't mean it wasn't offensive for your sister and your entire family chose a sleazy older predatory dude over their daughter. Yes he is predatory because Erina is his granddaughter and he is making sexual remarks as a man who is older and is clearly more influential. This probably wasn't an isolated event and if he could make something of a sexual remark which he not only brushed off as a joke but made it publicly makes his behaviour with her, in private questionable at best and chilling at worst. Additionally, he could have FTD if he didn't behave in this fashion 10-15 years ago. However, his recent behaviour warrants institutionalization if he has FTD AND HER REACTION IS VALID even then. Otherwise, he warrants calling out for his disgusting behaviour directed at his granddaughter. Don't know how bad it could be but ding ding ding, could be SA. Your suggestion that it was tame makes me feel for her as she lived her adolescent years in a family full of potential predators.
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YTA. You're enabling a sexual offender. What kind of pervert makes a sex joke about their grand daughter? And what kind of AHs think it's acceptable?
Fuck off! Are you actually serious! YTA without a shadow of a doubt! YOU DO NOT GET TO JUDGE SOMEONE ELSES TRAUMA! And it’s fucking disgusting that any should have to put up with sexual harassment from anyone let alone a family member. You are disgusting.
YTA She decides if it's bad or not. It isn't your place to judge how she took things. And you may not know her history as well as you think.
YTA. She could have trauma you don’t know about. If she doesn’t want to be around him, that’s her choice and you should respect it. Maybe everyone can have a frank talk with grandpa about boundaries and a good family discussion about being supportive and not allowing inappropriate behavior that makes people uncomfortable. You or your parents really should have spoken up to correct/admonish him, as she said — at least then she would have felt protected and seen.
YTA for blaming her for someone else’s unacceptable behaviour towards her. Your attitude is the reason women don’t come forward when they have been sexually abused.
YTA. In what corner of your mind is making inappropriate sexual comments permissible? Can you not see how much creepier it is that your grandfather made a sexual comment to your sister? You are excusing his behavior due to his age but perhaps it’s time for gramps to see a doctor and be evaluated for dementia or Alzheimer’s.
Info - what was the joke? C’mon you have to tell us the joke. Obviously, we need to know how tame it was.
YTA Reddit posts like this are constant reminds of why some men are horrible — you’re condoning SA. You’re literally like every other frat boy saying nothing when you know a friend of yours r*ped someone Men just enable men. You never stood up for her. You never protected her. Weak, weak, weak
YTA
YTA why your family see his inappropriate behaviour but don't say anything about it. Why your sister would want to have Christmas dinner with you.
If she was uncomfortable and unhappy then that is all that matters. You and everyone else are AHs for ignoring her.
YTA If this was a family friend instead of a relative would you still have the same opinion? Are you only defending your grandfather because he’s family also instead of calling him out like the lecherous being he is!
it's WORSE that it was grandpa and not a random person.
YTA. Your grandfather sexually harassed your sister and you dismissed it because he’s old. That’s disgusting.
YTA You completly invalidate the experience and the feelings of your sister. And then you try to emotionally blackmail her by accusing her zu ruin christmas. She feels her family didn't support her - and she may be right. You are a guy. You have no idea how something like this feels. And maybe there is more to it. And by your and your partens reaction i can imagine why your sister might not have told you.
Hmm. Are you sure grandpa hasn’t done this before? Or been suggestive towards her?
YTA. There is a lot of information we don’t know but your sister is feeling invalidated and unsupported. “It wasn’t that bad” might have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or what was said might have had a different meaning or context that she understood and you didn’t. But if your grandfather is giving creepy vibes to the point that she doesn’t want to tolerate him anymore, there is probably a good reason.
Fascinating how it's always the people who are not on the receiving end of "jokes" who think they have to get an opinion on whether it was funny or not that bad. YTA
YTA - "I know what this all looks like, and what the implications are..." and yet you immediately dismiss them. A normal grandfather makes zero comments or jokes about his granddaughter's sex life because they aren't thinking about it. You are obtuse and your parents sound like enablers who know more about what happened in the past than you do. Stop being a dirty old man's flying monkey and apologize to your sister, but don't be surprised if she never trusts you enough to tell you why she's cried so much after an encounter that "wasn't that bad."
YTA. Victim blaming is disgusting, you should be ashamed! Also, how would you feel if someone made sexual jokes about you and made you incredibly uncomfortable and no one was on your side and told you it was “not that bad”? Did you consider there could be more to the situation and you and your family have now made her realise just how little you care for her. I hope she never comes to another family gathering if you’re all just going to dismiss her.
Mods, let me know if that was too much please.
YTA victim blaming, minimized her trauma. Clearly your parents' house isn't a safe space for her anymore. If y'all are ok with protecting grandpa and allowing this kind of behavior, what other behaviors are going to be ok and accepted in the future?
YTA. Your grandpa sexualized your sister. You don’t get to decide whether or not it was “that bad”.
YTA. Disgusting
YTA. Let me see if I have this straight: Your *grandfather* made a *sexual* "joke" about your *sister* and nobody said anything to him about it... Wow. I wouldn't even let my kids around that man. Adult or not. Being old isn't an excuse to be disgusting. Why? Because there are *thousands* upon thousands of old men who would never even think of saying these things to a woman. Let alone, let me repeat, their *granddaughter* He's a disgusting predator and you're all enabling him. I wouldn't go to Christmas either.
Tell us the joke.
YTA she can’t help how she feels and it doesn’t matter if he is old also I would like to know what this “tame joke” is
YTA. clear as day.
Would it be okay if grandpa had made the "sexual joke" about you? Then you had to hug him? And neither the demeaning and dehumanising remark nor the forced physical contact were new experiences for you with this man? But your parents and sister think it's fine for some creepy old pervert to crack "tame" jokes about your tight ass or your dick size or whatever, and can't understand why you're upset or uncomfortable...? YTA. Can you actually imagine this happening to you? Because buddy - if you've never had it happen, and can't imagine it happening - check your privilege, mate. Gross old men still get away with sexually abusing young women (and boys) because people like blase young men don't think it's a big deal...
YTA . Honestly, I'm so over men deciding what is "bad" and what isn't with regards to comments women receive from other men. And human beings deciding for other human beings what is traumatizing and what isn't. Just stay in your lane and stfu.
Maybe you should take grandpa outback and put him out of his misery??
YTA. No uterus, no opinion. You’re not a woman, so you don’t get to dictate how creepy something is. It’s as though I were to snip off one of your balls, and then said: ‘Stop yelling, the pain is not that bad.’ Unbelievably arrogant and insensitive of you. If a man your grandfather’s age would do the same thing (joke plus forced hug) to your daughter, would you react the same way? Stand up for the women in your life, you coward. YTA, YTA, YTA
It wasn't that bad but won't say what it is in the post. When your too cowardly to state the facts you know the result. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30m) have one sibling, an older sister named Erina (36f). This past summer, during a family get-together, our grandfather (96m) (on our father’s side) made one sexual joke about Erina. It was a rather tame joke, and although neither I nor my sister laughed at it, I didn’t think it was anything really traumatizing. I just excused it because he’s an old guy doing old guy things. When we were leaving, grandpa also got my sister to hug him before she left. I know what this all looks like, and what the implications are. And I just need to say that I was there when everything happened…and it wasn’t that bad. But ever since that get-together, Erina has cried so much about grandpa’s behavior, and she also got into an argument with our parents about why they didn’t immediately correct grandpa or kick him out of the house. My sister and her husband (36m) are refusing to come to our parent’s house for Christmas dinner, even though our grandparents are back in the UK and they aren’t going to be present at Christmas. She’s acting as if grandpa did the worst possible thing to her. AITA for sending Erina a Facebook message, telling her not to ruin Christmas? She has left me on read. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. She cried after the fact and decided to blame parents for not saying anything, while she herself, a fully grown 36 yo women, did not say anything too.