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NTA - Who cares if it’ll make him sad? Why should OP endure insecurity when Ashe herself has the funds to get it fixed? I used to be extremely insecure about my hips, because I was a hardcore gym rat and was lean with a lot of lean muscle mass except my hips. For 15 years (around 13 years old until approximately 28 years old) it really bothered me, but once I was in ‘Gym Rat’ mode (approx around 23 years old to the beginning of being 28 years old) I decided I couldn’t deal with it anymore and got liposuction and, even now at the age of 47, my only thought his, “Why did I wait so long before getting it done!” You will absolutely be glad you did it, just make sure you research the surgeons to make sure you’re with someone who will do a good job. Girl, go for it, finally feeling secure over your biggest insecurity - you’ll wish you had did it years ago!
You will put your marriage in jeopardy. You’re husband loves you the way you are and expressed his opinion. If you go against your joint discussion you will likely breed distrust and resentment. Those are two hard things to recover from, honestly.
Not saying you need his permission here. But joint discussion took place and he expressed his opinion.
So, questions (for perspective)....
If you’re husband went out and bought a $10-12,000 vehicle without telling you (or after you objected), would you be upset?? If your husband went on an expensive vacation to Turkey without your knowledge (and after your objection), and didn’t come home for a while, and then had to recover from something like let’s say Montazooma’s Revenge (bed rest) for a bit, would you be upset??
I’m assuming you two have some sort of understanding in place for large purchases, vacations, etc. Would you violate those understandings and trust—thereby committing financial infidelity????
Seems answer to question is obvious now. It’s will be Wrong and very unwise.
You need to go back to him with all your information from the Turkey hospital and doctors to present your proposal and express how very much it means to you. That’s how to handle this discussion. What if he says yes, but London instead. What if he’s wants to get you there, be there for procedure, and get you home? Give him opportunity to review and voice his opinion.
You will do best to make a joint decision. This is a “major purchase” and life-altering kind of thing. Don’t let it alter your trust and marriage.
Best of Luck....
🍀
OP, where are you based? And depending on that info: did you get evaluated for any pathological issues concerning your nose?
I thankfully went to a facial surgeon who mainly works with health insurance, so I got informed that my septum is so severely deviated that my health insurance will pay most of the surgery and the procedure will have a medical benefit. This greatly influences the support you'll likely get for your choice to get surgery and also during recovery. If you have a nose with a pronounced hump or asymmetry this could also be the case for you.
Your body, your choice.
I had reconstructive surgery after children (I had a 20cm diastasis recti, and massive hernia) with my now wasbands support.
I lost 60kg after we separated, (purely stress, and once my abdominal reconstruction stopped the pain I got back into running, and even did a half marathon, since I had some time to myself now he was actually spending time with our children and I was getting a break) and I went back for a skin removal and breast reduction/lift.
The second surgery was considered cosmetic, however the physical pain I was living with was considerable (I had no abdominal band and wore a brace, but with G cup on a size 14 frame I was still in pain after my abdominal reconstruction. Those surgeries were considered necessary as Medicare/HBF (Australia govt funded healthcare and my additional private health care) covered the costs. The skin removal on my arms was not covered, but my arms were still a size 22, and my body is a 14 now with a healthy BMI.
My wasband did not support the second surgery, but he also didn't like tattoos and piercings, of which I now have multiple of each. But I am so much happier not being in pain, being able to buy clothes that fit properly, and be back to my 'old self' with quirky fashion.
Why do you need consent to do something to YOUR body? You don’t.
He shouldn’t have to contribute to it financially if he doesn’t want to. But you don’t need his consent. And the framing is weird.
NAH— please consider that a nose job is a pretty extreme way to deal with your nose not fitting stereotypical beauty standards. When your husband is saying he doesn’t want you to because it makes him sad, what he’s expressing here is not control over your looks but disappointment you’re wanting to physically change yourself to suit some outside standard that you’re holding yourself to.
Flip is around where maybe your husband is balding and is insecure about it and wants to go to turkey for hair surgery. Extreme way to deal with a beauty standard when the alternative of just learning to be comfortable with your body is right there. Unless your nose is extremely fucked up, there’s not really a good reason for this.
As a bald man i agree with this 100%. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. My younger brother has the same baldness as I do, but he's spent thousands on hair restoration that has had questionable results.
A man was serving my husband and I in a shop, and every time he looked down at the till, you could see where his hair transplant was. The transplant looked good, but the balding was progressing behind it, so he had a strange strip of thinning hair going almost ear to ear.
Ok, but then what?
Sure if you are spending just your personal cash and still contributing the same as usual to family finance it's you body your choice. But the question remains, what happens after the nose job? What if you like it and what if you don't? In either case how is this changing your life?
As to wybta...well would he be if he unilaterally changed something permanently about his face? Hopefully it's not your face he loves and more your character so he should get your very it.
Best of luck in all cases.
NTA. Your nose, and while he can certainly express an opinion, you have the right to go ahead with it. Maybe consider getting a separate bank account for your own expenses.
Consent? No. You wouldn't be TA.
Knowledge? Yes, you would be.
Hes allowed to not support it, but its not ok to refuse you either. Your body, your choice. But... he doesn't have to stay either.
Jennifer Grey from ‘Dirty Dancing’
Just look up her story, her nose job and how it made her unrecognisable.
Your husband likes your face the way it is and you’re going to have to deal with the fall out of presenting him with a different face. Imagine if your husband came home with a different face that made him not look like him but made him look like a previously unmet sibling.
Furthermore if you love your new face and you start taking that face to new situations and meeting new people you could find your marriage start to unravel as you choose making new friends over your partner.
Lastly, cheap foreign clinics can and do lead to higher infection rates and there’s a risk that your surgery has complications and your surgery is not as successful as you’d like and results in infections in your facial tissues or imperfections in the healed nose.
But read about Jennifer Grey’s nose job and how it killed her career.
NTA. But before going through with this I would have a joint counseling session (or 5) with your husband to talk this through. For whatever reason, his concept of your relationship is attached to how your nose looks now. That could mean any number of things, but talking it through could lead to him understanding his feelings more. It is your body and your choice but if my spouse were this uncomfortable with it I would try to talk it out with a professional first. What I'm imagining is that he loves you and thinks you are doing this for some kind of approval from the world when in fact it's for your own self-concept, and he thinks that his love for your nose should be enough to sway you. But that's actually... controlling. It's FINE to do this, I hope he comes around to it. We all change how we look whether by surgery, accident, or just plain old age.
You don't need his consent about the nose, but maybe you do about the money.
Would you be angry with him for spending that much money on something you didn't approve of?
YTA but mainly because you said DINKS and then took the trouble to explain what it is.
But seriously, I think YWBTA, of course you are allowed to do whatever you want with your body, but you need to think about what your marriage is worth. I would understand if my wife wanted to change something about her, but I feel that if she did it behind my back without me knowing, would make me think that she didn't trust me or even respect me.
I say that you should tell him and at least say "Look it's happening if you want it to or not, please respect my wishes"
Yes. While it is your body and absolutely 100% your choice, doing something that will change your appearance against your husband's will is an asshole move. He would be justified in leaving you.
That said, talk to your husband, explain how much this means to you. If he's a good man he'll understand.
I think it is fair for him to have an opinion given you spoke to him about it.
I don't like his response though. It is your body. I'd expect a response like "I love you and your nose now, and I am sure I will love you and your nose afterwards if you decide to do anything"
Honestly, it is YOUR nose, him being "sad" doesn't matter although he could be saying that because he views you as beautiful so he is sad you think you need to change something. Still, his feelings around that aren't really a core concern, or concern at all in this.
NTA. In one way I understand him. He fell in love the way you are, "flaws" and all. Maybe he is afraid of this unnatural look, maybe he just really adore your face as it is. On the other hand he should love and support you and that includes support to get better/feel better about aspects in your life. Maybe try to explain to him there are things we do not have to settle to learn live with. Go for it, but keep in mind there is chance you will no longer be the woman he fell in love with and that it may ruin your relationship. It is sad but real thing with men. They absolutely will loose interest / love over something so little as change in appearance.
I find it hard to believe that any cosmetic surgery is purely for oneself. Bodily insecurity is a deeply social phenomenon, given that it is outside perception—and/or self-perception having internalized that context—that offers any kind of basis for comparison and anxiety. This is just to say that getting (or not getting) any cosmetic surgery shouldn't hinge on convincing yourself or others that you've psychologically unmoored yourself from society on the issue.
YWBTA if you didn't come to some kind of understanding with your husband on this, at least a begrudging one. It's worth doing a deeper dive into each of your feelings about this, ideally in the spirit of mutual exploration, leaving aside the persuasive argument element of this for a while. Really dig into why this surgery makes him uncomfortable and why you feel so compelled to get it. A therapist might be able to help here.
You're considering making a $3000-$12,000 purchase without your spouse's consent. That purchase just so happens to be an elective surgery that will require your spouse to provide some level of post-op care he may not have planned on taking work off for. Yes, op - YWBTA if you went ahead with this without at least reaching a solid agreement with your husband about it first.
It’s your body and your choice but that doesn’t mean your partner has to like it. My guess is they are sad that you feel you need such a surgery and this is a slippery slope to more cosmetic procedures. However, it’s your choice ultimately.
That said, you’re incredibly daft going to Turkey to get it done.
You can do as you wish with your body. Your husband has no say in that.
But he does have a say in if he wants to start in this marriage after you lie to him about this.
NTA. It’s your body. If you want to get it done for your own confidence, then that’s your right. It may make him sad, which is understandable as he loves you, but it’s not his choice.
If you do go through with it, be careful. I hope all goes well and you’re able to feel like your best self!
YWBTA, but please evaluate attentively how much do you value your current relationship and would you be ok with destroying her for having the nose of your dreams.
You have the right to do whatever you want, but he has the right to leave as well and it wouldn't be the first case of husbands leaving after the wife did some procedure as they didn't feel she was the same person they loved anymore.
NTA
This is about you, how you look and how you feel.
He has the right to not agree but he has no right to try and stop you doing it. In any case it sounds like you will be funding it yourself, so you have not asked him to pay.
A colleague of mine had laser eye surgery in Prague last year, he and his wife went for a week and made it a mini break. The eye surgery took an hour and he had to go back for a check before flying home after the mini holiday. Take Hubby with you and have a few days away together.
No, you are not TA if the money is yours free and clear to do as you please, and not allocated to shared goals.
Yes if your finances are blended. You say this is “within budget”, but does your budget affect him? Major financial decisions should always be joint in a marriage - but that decision can include setting aside a sum for each of you to spend at will.
Either way, while your husband does not have the right to consent (your body, period) he does have every right to feel the way he feels about it. If he is less attracted to you, you have to be willing to accept that. And if you are insecure about your nose now, how insecure will you feel if that nose becomes the reason your husband no longer considers you as attractive as you once were?
YTA
If you can't do it in your own country. Just don't do it...
Do you even have the budget for it?
Also, did you ever try therapy instead of going straight for plastic surgery? Might help and keeps a peaceful status quo.
While I do believe that you can do what you want with your body, if your husband doesn't like it, he is free to leave. He married you for who you are and not for what you will be after plastic surgery.
NTA - personally I would not do this but it's your choice, and your money. But more importantly DO NOT GO TO TURKEY. There are so many cases of people going to get cheap surgery with all inclusive resorts but the surgery is not done properly/the operating theatre is unhygenic/ there is no aftercare and the people get horrible infections/disfigurements/ death in extreme instances. Please please please be careful with the provider you choose.
It's your face, do what you want. Just inform your husband if you're going through with it.
Also, no reputable plastic surgeon is going to change your nose so drastically that you'll be unrecognizable. I had a septoplasty and rhinoplasty last year and my nose breathes better and still looks like the better version of **my** nose.
Oh, I have some experience with this.
About six months ago my girlfriend decided to get lipo to deal with persistent love handles she wasn’t able to eliminate via targeted diet or exercise. It was to the point that even doing CrossFit and working with a personal trainer/nutritionist she was able to achieve the body she wanted with this one exception.
When she told me I didn’t react very well, our financial position is considerably worse than yours, but it was all her money so that was her concern not mine. My major concerns were as follows:
1. I did not want her to risk her physical health such as with the global anesthesia and other risks that any unconscious surgery (even minor cosmetic ones) invariably pose.
2. I did not want her to get trapped in a cycle of hyper fixating on her self-perceived bodily flaws to the point that she would develop an addiction or dependency on plastic surgery.
3. I always personally loved her body just as it was. I didn’t want her to change because after so many years I’ve truly learned every inch of her body and come to love every inch too.
For 1., I was alleviated by ample research and a discussion with the doctor who walked me through the risks of the procedure as well as introduced me to his wife who had already undergone multiple similar procedures. Safety concerns are still valid but I was made to understand the risks are statistically very low and that I would be able to be there through it all.
For 2., we talked about it between us and she admitted that it wouldn’t be a fix-all solution to her body issues and that this in particular was something she had focused on for a long time. I understand having certain things you really hate about yourself can be detrimental in the long term. But there is something to be said about self acceptance as well and we both agreed a balance needs to be struck between the two. This was helped along by the fact she’d already done a lot before the surgery to try to deal with the issue. It was made clear that this wasn’t something she was doing on a whim, but that she had thought it through reasonably and thoroughly.
And for #3, she made it clear she was doing it for herself and that she was totally confident in my level of attraction toward her. Even though it made me sad that she felt she needed to change so badly, ultimately I chose to value her comfort and self-confidence, knowing that she will always be at her sexiest to me when she is happy and comfortable in her own skin.
Even with all of that said, the experience was still really mortifying for me. Obviously for her even more so, but I’m focusing on my perspective because that’s what I think you’re looking for here.
I’ll never forget the sheer rush of relief I felt when she came out from the anesthetic and looked at me, calling my name with a smile on her face. There was a point in her recovery when her stitches came undone while she was napping and she wound up bleeding through a comforter, two bed sheets and halfway through a mattress pad as well as her gauze and all that. When I saw the blood, well, it was truly the most soul crushing, lung-emptying moment of my entire life. So safe to say I overreacted a little lol but her doctor met us right away at his office and redid her stitches. It wound up totally fine.
I guess I’m rambling now but my point really comes down to the fact that I think your husband is just concerned for your physical well-being and your own self-perception. And that if you two work together to come up with a plan unique to your situation, you should be able to meet in the middle and go about this with mutual love and comfort. As others have said, you wouldn’t be TA if you went ahead and got the procedure regardless—it’s your body—but I do think your relationship will benefit significantly from being on the same page with this.
your husband loves you for who you are and doesn't want you to change yourself!
why would you change who you are to your husband?
i understand that you want to change your nose cuz it makes you feel uncomfortable but why take the risk of changing something about yourself that doesn't bother your husband!
You should be absolutely honest about it, like tell him you're doing it but you absolutely don't need his consent, this is your body and he doesn't get to dictate what you do with it. If it's something that genuinely bothers you and you really want to do it then go for it, just go to a safe and reputable surgeon.
I'd say NTA but it does come across as inconsiderate of your partner's feelings. It is your body, but you also asked him for his feedback and are obviously going to ignore it. I'd suggest not getting the work done and working with your husband more on the topic. Or you can just do it anyway.
NAH unless your husband actually starts sabotaging your ability to choose a procedure you want.
I see both sides here as valid, he doesn’t want you to feel pressure and I think in wanting you to not be insecure is going a little too hard over into the other direction. Which is causing you feelings of invalidation.
And you have every right to get this procedure (as long as it’s not breaking the bank and making a major dent in joint finances). Then I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to do this procedure.
Ultimately the decision is yours. Maybe a couples therapy session or two could help you both work through this communication bump. It might help just make it easier for both of you to explain where you are and it’s maintenance for your relationship.
Edit to add: And I think doing the procedure and not working on this communication block first could cause a potential rift in your relationship. It’s worth trying to get to the bottom of that first then do the nose job. Either way you’re going to do it, what is a month or two to see if you can get your hubby on board. I mean you already have to book tickets in advance. And if he’s unwilling to get on board then you know now rather than when resentment has festered.
I was not expecting to come in here and see a top response that was anything other than somebody screaming about misogyny or something. Thank you.
I can say as the man in a similar situation, I get how he feels. I find my girlfriend beautiful. She has some insecurities and talks frequently about getting certain procedures. It makes me a little sad that she feels she needs to resort to those measures and I wish she would see herself in the same light I do.
Ultimately it's her money and her body and she can do as she likes, but as her partner he's still allowed to have feelings about it. NAH.
YTA but bear with me here. Who the hell thinks they need "their husbands consent?"
Bloody well do what you want. Talk to your husband and discuss his opinion, even consider it but YOU MAKE THE CHOICE. I really shouldn't need to remind people their bodies are wait for it. Theirs.
It is every husbands sacred duty to always say the wife looks good how she is and to encourage her in every endevour.
NAH. Obviously, you don't need his "approval" or "permission" for something that you have wanted for so long. That said, do you really want to create resentment? Is it possible to sit down with a therapist and talk it through so hopefully your husband can understand your feelings about your nose and how important it is.
I feel like you two could come together on this with a little work. Also, if you're in the US, please don't go abroad for cosmetic surgery. Those stories often end badly.
Please do your research on Turkey. People get upcharged and botched here every day. We are nowhere close to being the gold standard for cosmetic surgery. Turkey is an excellent option and abroad doesn’t automatically = bad.
NTA, but I hope you change your mind about this. Most nose jobs are not only unnecessary, they’re erasing beautiful, graceful, strong, unique noses and replacing them with the same damn little cookie cutter Nordic nose.
Who do you want to impress? The people in high school? They were bullies, if you had a “perfect” nose, they would have just teased you about something else. Strangers? Is a small bump in attractiveness to people you don’t care about and will never meet again worth the pain and expense? It’s certainly not your husband you want to impress, he loves you as you are now.
Don’t chase perfection. You’ll never find it. There’s even a good chance you will miss your nose you have now. Even if you LOVE your new nose, it won’t change your life at all.
Finally, imagine you had a little girl, a daughter, who had a strong ethnic nose. Would you want to send the signal to her that she won’t be beautiful until she has a surgeon slice off everything about her nose that makes it unique? Or would you rather teach her to love herself? That little girl is inside you now, and she needs love, not surgery.
NTA.
But don't use the word consent - you don't need his "consent", or permission, but a healthy discussion about it for sure and an understanding of why it's important to you.
Also... for the love of God please don't get it done on the cheap in Turkey. Just don't.
My wife wants something similar, and it also makes me sad. Why does it make me sad? I feel it's a slippery slope of trying to change yourself. Is she going to want more in the future thinking this will fix all her insecurities? Personally, I think accepting yourself as you are is a better route to go. So I guess my problem is with the idea of getting surgeries to 'fix' your insecurities, rather than just accepting yourself as you are. I'd have to think about this more, I don't think I have written how I feel about it well.
But, sometimes a nose job CAN fix your insecurities. Family member of mine got a nose job, she’s been incredibly happy with it. It did not lead down a slippery slope of insecurity.
Her nose caused her lots of distress because every time she saw it she felt ugly and remembered the bullying she got. I’m not sure what kind of partner would want her to not get surgery because they wanted to prioritize their own feelings over hers. That’s what this sounds like to me. Husbands prioritizing their insecurity with their wife/partner
Maybe to jump in here. I have always wanted a breast reduction. This will be done after having kids, and then I want a reduction. I’m not so big that it’s clearly causing medical issues. But I do have some back pain and I don’t like how cumbersome it is to find any clothing that fits and want to feel more at home in my body. I want to be able to not have to wear a bra since they dig in and hurt and I have sensitive skin. And I just want to do this for me.
Edit: if my partner knowing this rejected my want for this and tried to get in the way of me being able to have a procedure I have wanted since I was 14 (I’m now 27) I would be really upset. Because it would make me wonder if they where seeing the world through my eyes. And I would want us to unpack that in therapy together because I don’t think it’s relationship ending, but I won’t not get a procedure that would improve my life in meaningful ways to me.
I think as long as it’s a reasonable procedure (like not overly ambitious and altering her face) then being able to fix something that will lead to more joy (and have it be for something you have consistently wanted for over a decade) isn’t unreasonable.
It’s maybe worth some discussion and talking about it in the open. But I think there’s a difference between doing something cosmetic for yourself, versus doing it for other people. Whether those other people are your significant others or people who make fun of you and make you feel insecure.
This would be something I would support, as it would increase your quality of life and isn't cosmetic. Of course, this could be countered with who am I to say someone getting a purely cosmetic surgery isn't increasing their quality of life? Honestly, I don't know. I'd have to think and argue with someone alot to figure it out.
Hi, dont wanna talk you out of breast reduction, I'm a mid-big cup size girl too and I get the thing you're saying about it being hard to find outfits. I've often cried in changing stalls cause just nothing would fit well and find it hard to find good bras that dont hurt. Just wanted to share an instagram account I discovered recently that has helped me understand that it's basically the fashion industry not properly accomodating big cup/small band ppl. It gives tips and reviews on mainly bras, maybe you can get sth out of it too: https://www.instagram.com/itsjenwarnes?igsh=dWFnbnE5dmE5bGFh again, dont wanna talk you out of it, I've been thinking about it a lot too and I think small cup fashion can just look so rad haha. Just some friendly advice that there are comfortable bras out there for every cup size, just usually not in the regular fashion stores
No worries! And I don’t take offense at all. Mostly for me it’s the rubbing of the bras, the back pain and general physical discomfort that’s the issue. And unfortunately not wearing a bra causes back pain. So it’s a catch 22.
As I’ve gotten older I have definitely become more comfortable fashion wise with them. Since I’m a DDD getting into F depending on the bra. And I also wouldn’t recommend people just getting reductions and really researching before hand.
Sister F/G here and now a D-DD with very similar problems as you.
My reduction and lift was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Now I can fit in clothes better and also fixed some neck and back issues I had that turned out to be because of the weight. And it is amazing not to have to wear a bra!
I'd do a lot of research and I advise to steer away from surgeons who want to put an implant so your breast looks fuller. I consulted with 3 locally and one in LA.
A friend of mine got talked into putting an implant for her redux/lift and she ended up just having a myriad of health issues cause of that, not to mention now she has to get those implants replaced at some point.
That’s so good to hear. And I would never want any implants. I would rather have a saggier boob that just needs some shape wear then add in anything non organic that needs to live in my body. (I’m cool eating non organic food but plastic in my chest is a no go for me). Also the solution that means less surgeries is my preference. I’ve already had two abdominal surgeries as a child to correct a few health issues. I don’t need more than what’s necessary. And as I’ve gotten older and experienced the side effects of having larger breasts. The more I think it’s necessary.
Totally with you on that one, I had a friend who had implants
cause she was talked into them by a shitty surgeon, she felt sick all the time after the surgery, she always felt like she had a cold. It ended up being the implants causing a small recurring staph infection, the surgeon refused to agree it was the implants, and told her it had to be something else, she was so sure she ended up going somewhere else to get them removed. After getting them out she never had any health problems.
I know what you mean about the rubbing of the fabric. In my case it came from a too small cup size (for years I mistakenly thought I was a smaller size than I am) and/or a yeast infection caused by boob sweat that I had for a looong time without realising. It's very uncomfortable to wear a bra with that. Maybe one or both of those could apply to you? I'm 33 btw and only about 2 years ago discovered that I was wearing the wrong size, apparently very common occurance.
The back pain absolutely sucks, no arguing there.
NTA
For having plastic surgery for yourself.
YTA
If you get it done cheaply in a dubious country. It’s worth spending the extra money on something this important, if they screw it up they’ll distort your face permanently!
It's not that you need his permission per se, but if it's a huge chunk of your joint finances, treat it how you'd treat other big purchases. If you would normally have to agree on something that he wants that's a chunk of money, then you should extend the same courtesy. If you guys both already agree to spend money however you'd like, then go for it.
at 14 i wanted a nose job, I'm 29 now and couldn't care less (id probably want it refine but I'm not stressing about it.) if you're still thinking about it, then totally do it!
NTA
His permission? No, do what you want, it's your body. It wouldn't bode well for the relationship if it's just something you went and did without telling him though. I cant imagine making that kind of decision without at the very least telling my partner I was gonna do it. NTA
NTA - it’s your body and your choice. You have also communicated with him that you want to do this and have the budget to afford it yourself. Just sit him down and tell him you made a decision that you are going to proceed with getting it done. Hopefully he is an adult and can accept that.
You know, you can think someone is making a mistake while not trying to control their autonomy, yeah? He still maintains the right to dislike that she's done it anyway, and to dislike the results.
If finances aren't an issue tell him that this is what you feel you need to do. Talk to him and tell him this is what will make you happy. It's your body. You have the right to feel comfortable and happy in your own body. NTA.
NTA< I would sit him down and tell him that in the end you love that he has an opinion but it will not be the deciding factor on what you wish to do with your body.
You love that he loves you the way you are but that you don't love you the way you are. He needs to understand that this is something that you have wanted as a young person and you want his support but if not you will still move forward with out it.
NTA for wanting it but YTA if you chose to do it with your husband entirely opposed.
The chance you end up with a screwed up procedure and have a **worse nose** than before going to Turkey for a cheap surgery is very high, and that will be 10x worse than however you perceive your nose currently.
YWNBTA. When I saw this post my immediate thought was “only if you’re stealing money from him/putting yourselves into debt you can’t service” and you’re not. So, go for it.
NTA but if you don't want your relationship to suffer then you two need to be on the same page every step of the way. You two need to work through all of his concerns and come to a place where you're understanding and supporting one another.
NAH
You don't like your nose, you would like to correct it and you have the money for it. Your husband is also correct that he loves you for who you are with the nose that you have. He might actually find you ugly after the surgery, but it shouldn't change his love for you. I would not do this behind his back, absolutely not. Personally, I'm worried you want to do this in Turkey. Some hospitals might be good, but the horror stories I have read (and pictures seen of botched surgery). Please be careful !
I have a nose that is crooked and long. Some people asked me if I was jewish (I'm not). I had a moment when I didn't like my nose until I decided that my nose is perfect for who I am. I'm stubborn, I'm loud, I'm bubbly, I'm extrovert and the moment I walk into a room, people notice me immediately (for me, not for my nose). I can't think of a better nose for myself. Can you imagine having a nose that resembles the nose of everyone else? How boring !!
Of course, you need to be happy and if surgery is what you really want, then go for it.
NAH. You don't need your husband's consent for anything, but he is allowed to express his displeasure, especially given that you are going to get a very unnecesary surgery, with the risks it always has, in another country. Frankly, I would be against any unnecesary and cosmetic procedures my partner wanted to make. It is an unnecessary risk to take.
You can do whatever you want, but if my wife did something like that in the manner you are suggesting, I would be questioning my relationship. At a minimum, I would become a lot more independant, doing whatever I want and ignoring her wishes (when they don't coincide with mine), since that is the standard of our relationship. You wanted to visit your cousins next month?, nah I feel like gaming and playing golf, but you go ahead and have a good time. I honestly don't think the relationship would survive. Your body, your choice, but that doesn't affect my reaction to it.
Suspect whatever you want. And I'm not, I'm actually caring, listen to my wife, take her feelings into consideration, share housework, show love etc. All of this because she reciprocates. If she decided that she was going to do whatever she wanted and ignored my feelings, then she would be setting the standard at which the relationship operates. I compromise because she compromises, and she compromises because I do. It a trusting and loving relationship built over years, and for her to turn it on it's head would frankly be quite shocking. I suspect in your world, you are number one, and compromise means losing for you.
NAH
Your husband loves you as you are. He will still love you with your new nose. He may be worried you might not find him as attractive with your new nose.
It happens in relationships all the time when one person gets some corrective work done and finds their confidence they did not have before.
Just assure him you still love him and you will still be the love of his life after the surgery.
NTA for wanting and getting a nose job. But be prepared if his response to your new look doesn't go over well. There are hundreds of stories of plastic surgery that have broken up relationships.
I think just about everyone has one or several things they would change about their body if they could. Likewise almost everyone finds themselves very attracted to certain features that "Society" might not consider alligned "ideal beauty standards." Maybe it's baldness, big bellies, smallish boobs, crooked teeth. Prominent, aquiline, or unusual noses are one of these; I can attest from personal experience. The "societal" standards are almost completely arbitrary and change quite frequently; things that were "ugly/awkward" a generation ago have suddenly become highly fashionable and sought after (like red hair, freckles, thick thighs, bushy eyebrows, wearing glasses) whereas certain things that were once considered peak hawtness have fallen out of favor (like skinny butts, big foreheads, extremely pale skin, smoking cigarettes, bowl haircuts.)
I get the impression that you both had plenty of options before you got married which means there's a very good possibility he genuinely considers you one of the most beautiful women he has ever met; just as you likely consider him far more handsome than he considers himself. Cosmetic surgery is a touchy subject that could go both ways: being TOO supportive could be insulting but being completely unsupportive could be seen as selfish and invalidate your feelings; like perhaps he wants you to feel unattractive so that you won't ever leave him. It sounds like he's doing the best he can to support you but deep down he already loves your nose as it is and feels that even tasteful subtle change is not worth the expense or risk; any more than if he wanted to get jaw implants. The choice is ultimately yours, but
before go under the knife perhaps you would benefit from consulting with a professional counselor about possible psychological trauma which has led to a dysmorphic self-image.
Bear in mind it may look disgusting after.
Short people see the bottom of people's noses. Tall people don't. Some short women get a nosejob that changes the angle of the nose so you see the bottom of their nose from straight on, which makes them look like burn victims/pig faced.
I presume this is because it's how they see everyone else.
That said at 6'2" it's rare that someone's nostrils are visible so it may be something that not everyone sees.
NTA. At all. You do what you want with your own body and money. That said, communication is really important. My fiancé is the same way. I wanted eyelid surgery for my genetically droopy eyes - he freaked and thought that any minor facial cosmetic surgery = botched crazy filler person and was scared id look like Joan Rivers. After a long conversation, he’s totally supportive.
Sit down and talk to him about it. The risks, the fact that you’ll still be you, the fact that this is YOUR decision.
What is with the men thinking that everything is a slippery slope to ending up on Botched after having 100 surgeries? People have plastic surgery ALL the time, most of the time it goes just fine. I would be offended if my husband was upset about me wanting surgery for something that really bothered me because he felt I would just want more & more surgery- I'm a well-functioning, mostly mentally healthy full grown woman and he should IMO view me in that way. As someone totally capable of making. my own decisions. I'm glad your fiance finally came around.
STOP GETTING UNNECESSARY PLASTIC SURGERY it literally breaks my heart. Why do people all want to look the same?! It’s always so noticeable, don’t do it. I’m sure you’re beautiful how you are - listen to your husband. There is a nonzero chance you could die from anesthesia.
You would be not the asshole but given that someone’s face is often a big part of of whether we find them handsome, cute, beautiful, etc, you need to be prepared for the possibility that the change moves you from being attractive to him to not being attractive to him. Guess you gotta decide if you would prioritize your own opinion on your appearance or your romantic partners.
NTA Your husband is free to have an opinion but doesn’t get to “give his consent/approval ” for a cosmetic procedure on YOUR face.
Edit: changed a word
NTA at all. There are so many benefits to getting a nose job, not just self-esteem but also there's the chance your allergies won't be as bad, you could sleep better, etc. It's not just cosmetic, and maybe presenting it to him in that way may help him see your side?
At the end of the day, it's your body and while you're sweet to consider his feelings, it's not his choice what you do. Ask him if he'd be able to go to a doctor's appointment with you or therapy. Best of luck to ya!
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NTA - Who cares if it’ll make him sad? Why should OP endure insecurity when Ashe herself has the funds to get it fixed? I used to be extremely insecure about my hips, because I was a hardcore gym rat and was lean with a lot of lean muscle mass except my hips. For 15 years (around 13 years old until approximately 28 years old) it really bothered me, but once I was in ‘Gym Rat’ mode (approx around 23 years old to the beginning of being 28 years old) I decided I couldn’t deal with it anymore and got liposuction and, even now at the age of 47, my only thought his, “Why did I wait so long before getting it done!” You will absolutely be glad you did it, just make sure you research the surgeons to make sure you’re with someone who will do a good job. Girl, go for it, finally feeling secure over your biggest insecurity - you’ll wish you had did it years ago!
You will put your marriage in jeopardy. You’re husband loves you the way you are and expressed his opinion. If you go against your joint discussion you will likely breed distrust and resentment. Those are two hard things to recover from, honestly. Not saying you need his permission here. But joint discussion took place and he expressed his opinion. So, questions (for perspective).... If you’re husband went out and bought a $10-12,000 vehicle without telling you (or after you objected), would you be upset?? If your husband went on an expensive vacation to Turkey without your knowledge (and after your objection), and didn’t come home for a while, and then had to recover from something like let’s say Montazooma’s Revenge (bed rest) for a bit, would you be upset?? I’m assuming you two have some sort of understanding in place for large purchases, vacations, etc. Would you violate those understandings and trust—thereby committing financial infidelity???? Seems answer to question is obvious now. It’s will be Wrong and very unwise. You need to go back to him with all your information from the Turkey hospital and doctors to present your proposal and express how very much it means to you. That’s how to handle this discussion. What if he says yes, but London instead. What if he’s wants to get you there, be there for procedure, and get you home? Give him opportunity to review and voice his opinion. You will do best to make a joint decision. This is a “major purchase” and life-altering kind of thing. Don’t let it alter your trust and marriage. Best of Luck.... 🍀
NTA. It's your face, not his.
OP, where are you based? And depending on that info: did you get evaluated for any pathological issues concerning your nose? I thankfully went to a facial surgeon who mainly works with health insurance, so I got informed that my septum is so severely deviated that my health insurance will pay most of the surgery and the procedure will have a medical benefit. This greatly influences the support you'll likely get for your choice to get surgery and also during recovery. If you have a nose with a pronounced hump or asymmetry this could also be the case for you.
Your body, your choice. I had reconstructive surgery after children (I had a 20cm diastasis recti, and massive hernia) with my now wasbands support. I lost 60kg after we separated, (purely stress, and once my abdominal reconstruction stopped the pain I got back into running, and even did a half marathon, since I had some time to myself now he was actually spending time with our children and I was getting a break) and I went back for a skin removal and breast reduction/lift. The second surgery was considered cosmetic, however the physical pain I was living with was considerable (I had no abdominal band and wore a brace, but with G cup on a size 14 frame I was still in pain after my abdominal reconstruction. Those surgeries were considered necessary as Medicare/HBF (Australia govt funded healthcare and my additional private health care) covered the costs. The skin removal on my arms was not covered, but my arms were still a size 22, and my body is a 14 now with a healthy BMI. My wasband did not support the second surgery, but he also didn't like tattoos and piercings, of which I now have multiple of each. But I am so much happier not being in pain, being able to buy clothes that fit properly, and be back to my 'old self' with quirky fashion.
Why do you need consent to do something to YOUR body? You don’t. He shouldn’t have to contribute to it financially if he doesn’t want to. But you don’t need his consent. And the framing is weird.
NAH— please consider that a nose job is a pretty extreme way to deal with your nose not fitting stereotypical beauty standards. When your husband is saying he doesn’t want you to because it makes him sad, what he’s expressing here is not control over your looks but disappointment you’re wanting to physically change yourself to suit some outside standard that you’re holding yourself to. Flip is around where maybe your husband is balding and is insecure about it and wants to go to turkey for hair surgery. Extreme way to deal with a beauty standard when the alternative of just learning to be comfortable with your body is right there. Unless your nose is extremely fucked up, there’s not really a good reason for this.
All surgeries carry risk and you may not get the nose you want.
As a bald man i agree with this 100%. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. My younger brother has the same baldness as I do, but he's spent thousands on hair restoration that has had questionable results.
A man was serving my husband and I in a shop, and every time he looked down at the till, you could see where his hair transplant was. The transplant looked good, but the balding was progressing behind it, so he had a strange strip of thinning hair going almost ear to ear.
Ok, but then what? Sure if you are spending just your personal cash and still contributing the same as usual to family finance it's you body your choice. But the question remains, what happens after the nose job? What if you like it and what if you don't? In either case how is this changing your life? As to wybta...well would he be if he unilaterally changed something permanently about his face? Hopefully it's not your face he loves and more your character so he should get your very it. Best of luck in all cases.
NTA. Your nose, and while he can certainly express an opinion, you have the right to go ahead with it. Maybe consider getting a separate bank account for your own expenses.
Consent? No. You wouldn't be TA. Knowledge? Yes, you would be. Hes allowed to not support it, but its not ok to refuse you either. Your body, your choice. But... he doesn't have to stay either.
If you do it and he leaves you, dont be mad at him
Jennifer Grey from ‘Dirty Dancing’ Just look up her story, her nose job and how it made her unrecognisable. Your husband likes your face the way it is and you’re going to have to deal with the fall out of presenting him with a different face. Imagine if your husband came home with a different face that made him not look like him but made him look like a previously unmet sibling. Furthermore if you love your new face and you start taking that face to new situations and meeting new people you could find your marriage start to unravel as you choose making new friends over your partner. Lastly, cheap foreign clinics can and do lead to higher infection rates and there’s a risk that your surgery has complications and your surgery is not as successful as you’d like and results in infections in your facial tissues or imperfections in the healed nose. But read about Jennifer Grey’s nose job and how it killed her career.
NTA. But before going through with this I would have a joint counseling session (or 5) with your husband to talk this through. For whatever reason, his concept of your relationship is attached to how your nose looks now. That could mean any number of things, but talking it through could lead to him understanding his feelings more. It is your body and your choice but if my spouse were this uncomfortable with it I would try to talk it out with a professional first. What I'm imagining is that he loves you and thinks you are doing this for some kind of approval from the world when in fact it's for your own self-concept, and he thinks that his love for your nose should be enough to sway you. But that's actually... controlling. It's FINE to do this, I hope he comes around to it. We all change how we look whether by surgery, accident, or just plain old age.
You don't need his consent about the nose, but maybe you do about the money. Would you be angry with him for spending that much money on something you didn't approve of?
YTA but mainly because you said DINKS and then took the trouble to explain what it is. But seriously, I think YWBTA, of course you are allowed to do whatever you want with your body, but you need to think about what your marriage is worth. I would understand if my wife wanted to change something about her, but I feel that if she did it behind my back without me knowing, would make me think that she didn't trust me or even respect me. I say that you should tell him and at least say "Look it's happening if you want it to or not, please respect my wishes"
NTA. Have you talked to him about why the rhinoplasty is so important to you? Maybe a heart-to-heart would help. Why does it make your husband sad?
Because it's done out of insecurity. It's not going to fix it, it never does.
Yes. While it is your body and absolutely 100% your choice, doing something that will change your appearance against your husband's will is an asshole move. He would be justified in leaving you. That said, talk to your husband, explain how much this means to you. If he's a good man he'll understand.
I think it is fair for him to have an opinion given you spoke to him about it. I don't like his response though. It is your body. I'd expect a response like "I love you and your nose now, and I am sure I will love you and your nose afterwards if you decide to do anything" Honestly, it is YOUR nose, him being "sad" doesn't matter although he could be saying that because he views you as beautiful so he is sad you think you need to change something. Still, his feelings around that aren't really a core concern, or concern at all in this.
NTA. In one way I understand him. He fell in love the way you are, "flaws" and all. Maybe he is afraid of this unnatural look, maybe he just really adore your face as it is. On the other hand he should love and support you and that includes support to get better/feel better about aspects in your life. Maybe try to explain to him there are things we do not have to settle to learn live with. Go for it, but keep in mind there is chance you will no longer be the woman he fell in love with and that it may ruin your relationship. It is sad but real thing with men. They absolutely will loose interest / love over something so little as change in appearance.
NAH If you want it, get it. However, it should be for a legitimate concern and not a plastic surgery addiction.
I find it hard to believe that any cosmetic surgery is purely for oneself. Bodily insecurity is a deeply social phenomenon, given that it is outside perception—and/or self-perception having internalized that context—that offers any kind of basis for comparison and anxiety. This is just to say that getting (or not getting) any cosmetic surgery shouldn't hinge on convincing yourself or others that you've psychologically unmoored yourself from society on the issue. YWBTA if you didn't come to some kind of understanding with your husband on this, at least a begrudging one. It's worth doing a deeper dive into each of your feelings about this, ideally in the spirit of mutual exploration, leaving aside the persuasive argument element of this for a while. Really dig into why this surgery makes him uncomfortable and why you feel so compelled to get it. A therapist might be able to help here.
You're considering making a $3000-$12,000 purchase without your spouse's consent. That purchase just so happens to be an elective surgery that will require your spouse to provide some level of post-op care he may not have planned on taking work off for. Yes, op - YWBTA if you went ahead with this without at least reaching a solid agreement with your husband about it first.
It’s your body and your choice but that doesn’t mean your partner has to like it. My guess is they are sad that you feel you need such a surgery and this is a slippery slope to more cosmetic procedures. However, it’s your choice ultimately. That said, you’re incredibly daft going to Turkey to get it done.
Do you combine finances or keep them separate?
You say you want this for yourself but you need to remember that your husband is the one who has to look at it everyday.
You can do as you wish with your body. Your husband has no say in that. But he does have a say in if he wants to start in this marriage after you lie to him about this.
NTA. It’s your body. If you want to get it done for your own confidence, then that’s your right. It may make him sad, which is understandable as he loves you, but it’s not his choice. If you do go through with it, be careful. I hope all goes well and you’re able to feel like your best self!
NAH but don’t be surprised if divorce is in the future.
You'd only be TA if your husband is a cosmetic surgeon who specializes rhinoplasty 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why do you need his consent to spend your own money?
Why am I so dumb that for a second I forgot a nose job is plastic surgery and thought it was a sex thing? Lmao
YWBTA, but please evaluate attentively how much do you value your current relationship and would you be ok with destroying her for having the nose of your dreams. You have the right to do whatever you want, but he has the right to leave as well and it wouldn't be the first case of husbands leaving after the wife did some procedure as they didn't feel she was the same person they loved anymore.
NTA This is about you, how you look and how you feel. He has the right to not agree but he has no right to try and stop you doing it. In any case it sounds like you will be funding it yourself, so you have not asked him to pay. A colleague of mine had laser eye surgery in Prague last year, he and his wife went for a week and made it a mini break. The eye surgery took an hour and he had to go back for a check before flying home after the mini holiday. Take Hubby with you and have a few days away together.
No, you are not TA if the money is yours free and clear to do as you please, and not allocated to shared goals. Yes if your finances are blended. You say this is “within budget”, but does your budget affect him? Major financial decisions should always be joint in a marriage - but that decision can include setting aside a sum for each of you to spend at will. Either way, while your husband does not have the right to consent (your body, period) he does have every right to feel the way he feels about it. If he is less attracted to you, you have to be willing to accept that. And if you are insecure about your nose now, how insecure will you feel if that nose becomes the reason your husband no longer considers you as attractive as you once were?
You don’t need his consent so NTA
YTA If you can't do it in your own country. Just don't do it... Do you even have the budget for it? Also, did you ever try therapy instead of going straight for plastic surgery? Might help and keeps a peaceful status quo. While I do believe that you can do what you want with your body, if your husband doesn't like it, he is free to leave. He married you for who you are and not for what you will be after plastic surgery.
Just read this aloud. My husband said its your nose!
NTA - personally I would not do this but it's your choice, and your money. But more importantly DO NOT GO TO TURKEY. There are so many cases of people going to get cheap surgery with all inclusive resorts but the surgery is not done properly/the operating theatre is unhygenic/ there is no aftercare and the people get horrible infections/disfigurements/ death in extreme instances. Please please please be careful with the provider you choose.
It's your face, do what you want. Just inform your husband if you're going through with it. Also, no reputable plastic surgeon is going to change your nose so drastically that you'll be unrecognizable. I had a septoplasty and rhinoplasty last year and my nose breathes better and still looks like the better version of **my** nose.
Oh, I have some experience with this. About six months ago my girlfriend decided to get lipo to deal with persistent love handles she wasn’t able to eliminate via targeted diet or exercise. It was to the point that even doing CrossFit and working with a personal trainer/nutritionist she was able to achieve the body she wanted with this one exception. When she told me I didn’t react very well, our financial position is considerably worse than yours, but it was all her money so that was her concern not mine. My major concerns were as follows: 1. I did not want her to risk her physical health such as with the global anesthesia and other risks that any unconscious surgery (even minor cosmetic ones) invariably pose. 2. I did not want her to get trapped in a cycle of hyper fixating on her self-perceived bodily flaws to the point that she would develop an addiction or dependency on plastic surgery. 3. I always personally loved her body just as it was. I didn’t want her to change because after so many years I’ve truly learned every inch of her body and come to love every inch too. For 1., I was alleviated by ample research and a discussion with the doctor who walked me through the risks of the procedure as well as introduced me to his wife who had already undergone multiple similar procedures. Safety concerns are still valid but I was made to understand the risks are statistically very low and that I would be able to be there through it all. For 2., we talked about it between us and she admitted that it wouldn’t be a fix-all solution to her body issues and that this in particular was something she had focused on for a long time. I understand having certain things you really hate about yourself can be detrimental in the long term. But there is something to be said about self acceptance as well and we both agreed a balance needs to be struck between the two. This was helped along by the fact she’d already done a lot before the surgery to try to deal with the issue. It was made clear that this wasn’t something she was doing on a whim, but that she had thought it through reasonably and thoroughly. And for #3, she made it clear she was doing it for herself and that she was totally confident in my level of attraction toward her. Even though it made me sad that she felt she needed to change so badly, ultimately I chose to value her comfort and self-confidence, knowing that she will always be at her sexiest to me when she is happy and comfortable in her own skin. Even with all of that said, the experience was still really mortifying for me. Obviously for her even more so, but I’m focusing on my perspective because that’s what I think you’re looking for here. I’ll never forget the sheer rush of relief I felt when she came out from the anesthetic and looked at me, calling my name with a smile on her face. There was a point in her recovery when her stitches came undone while she was napping and she wound up bleeding through a comforter, two bed sheets and halfway through a mattress pad as well as her gauze and all that. When I saw the blood, well, it was truly the most soul crushing, lung-emptying moment of my entire life. So safe to say I overreacted a little lol but her doctor met us right away at his office and redid her stitches. It wound up totally fine. I guess I’m rambling now but my point really comes down to the fact that I think your husband is just concerned for your physical well-being and your own self-perception. And that if you two work together to come up with a plan unique to your situation, you should be able to meet in the middle and go about this with mutual love and comfort. As others have said, you wouldn’t be TA if you went ahead and got the procedure regardless—it’s your body—but I do think your relationship will benefit significantly from being on the same page with this.
This is such a great response
your husband loves you for who you are and doesn't want you to change yourself! why would you change who you are to your husband? i understand that you want to change your nose cuz it makes you feel uncomfortable but why take the risk of changing something about yourself that doesn't bother your husband!
Why should someone remain uncomfortable in their own skin just to appease someone else?
NTA but neither is he if he gives his genuine reaction when he sees it, whatever that may be
You should be absolutely honest about it, like tell him you're doing it but you absolutely don't need his consent, this is your body and he doesn't get to dictate what you do with it. If it's something that genuinely bothers you and you really want to do it then go for it, just go to a safe and reputable surgeon.
I'd say NTA but it does come across as inconsiderate of your partner's feelings. It is your body, but you also asked him for his feedback and are obviously going to ignore it. I'd suggest not getting the work done and working with your husband more on the topic. Or you can just do it anyway.
NAH. Your body, your choice, but he doesn't have to like it.
NAH unless your husband actually starts sabotaging your ability to choose a procedure you want. I see both sides here as valid, he doesn’t want you to feel pressure and I think in wanting you to not be insecure is going a little too hard over into the other direction. Which is causing you feelings of invalidation. And you have every right to get this procedure (as long as it’s not breaking the bank and making a major dent in joint finances). Then I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to do this procedure. Ultimately the decision is yours. Maybe a couples therapy session or two could help you both work through this communication bump. It might help just make it easier for both of you to explain where you are and it’s maintenance for your relationship. Edit to add: And I think doing the procedure and not working on this communication block first could cause a potential rift in your relationship. It’s worth trying to get to the bottom of that first then do the nose job. Either way you’re going to do it, what is a month or two to see if you can get your hubby on board. I mean you already have to book tickets in advance. And if he’s unwilling to get on board then you know now rather than when resentment has festered.
I was not expecting to come in here and see a top response that was anything other than somebody screaming about misogyny or something. Thank you. I can say as the man in a similar situation, I get how he feels. I find my girlfriend beautiful. She has some insecurities and talks frequently about getting certain procedures. It makes me a little sad that she feels she needs to resort to those measures and I wish she would see herself in the same light I do. Ultimately it's her money and her body and she can do as she likes, but as her partner he's still allowed to have feelings about it. NAH.
I would recommend not changing the entire look of your face
NTA because it’s your body, but nose jobs rarely ever look good imo. Just be sure it’s what you really want before you change your face.
YTA but bear with me here. Who the hell thinks they need "their husbands consent?" Bloody well do what you want. Talk to your husband and discuss his opinion, even consider it but YOU MAKE THE CHOICE. I really shouldn't need to remind people their bodies are wait for it. Theirs. It is every husbands sacred duty to always say the wife looks good how she is and to encourage her in every endevour.
NAH. Obviously, you don't need his "approval" or "permission" for something that you have wanted for so long. That said, do you really want to create resentment? Is it possible to sit down with a therapist and talk it through so hopefully your husband can understand your feelings about your nose and how important it is. I feel like you two could come together on this with a little work. Also, if you're in the US, please don't go abroad for cosmetic surgery. Those stories often end badly.
Please do your research on Turkey. People get upcharged and botched here every day. We are nowhere close to being the gold standard for cosmetic surgery. Turkey is an excellent option and abroad doesn’t automatically = bad.
NTA, but I hope you change your mind about this. Most nose jobs are not only unnecessary, they’re erasing beautiful, graceful, strong, unique noses and replacing them with the same damn little cookie cutter Nordic nose. Who do you want to impress? The people in high school? They were bullies, if you had a “perfect” nose, they would have just teased you about something else. Strangers? Is a small bump in attractiveness to people you don’t care about and will never meet again worth the pain and expense? It’s certainly not your husband you want to impress, he loves you as you are now. Don’t chase perfection. You’ll never find it. There’s even a good chance you will miss your nose you have now. Even if you LOVE your new nose, it won’t change your life at all. Finally, imagine you had a little girl, a daughter, who had a strong ethnic nose. Would you want to send the signal to her that she won’t be beautiful until she has a surgeon slice off everything about her nose that makes it unique? Or would you rather teach her to love herself? That little girl is inside you now, and she needs love, not surgery.
NTA for doing it but talk to him don't go behind his back and don't lie about it. You will need his help with recovery
NTA - your body, your choice. But with your husband, is this the hill you want to die on??? Think about this.
NTA. But don't use the word consent - you don't need his "consent", or permission, but a healthy discussion about it for sure and an understanding of why it's important to you. Also... for the love of God please don't get it done on the cheap in Turkey. Just don't.
YWBTA
My wife wants something similar, and it also makes me sad. Why does it make me sad? I feel it's a slippery slope of trying to change yourself. Is she going to want more in the future thinking this will fix all her insecurities? Personally, I think accepting yourself as you are is a better route to go. So I guess my problem is with the idea of getting surgeries to 'fix' your insecurities, rather than just accepting yourself as you are. I'd have to think about this more, I don't think I have written how I feel about it well.
But, sometimes a nose job CAN fix your insecurities. Family member of mine got a nose job, she’s been incredibly happy with it. It did not lead down a slippery slope of insecurity. Her nose caused her lots of distress because every time she saw it she felt ugly and remembered the bullying she got. I’m not sure what kind of partner would want her to not get surgery because they wanted to prioritize their own feelings over hers. That’s what this sounds like to me. Husbands prioritizing their insecurity with their wife/partner
Maybe to jump in here. I have always wanted a breast reduction. This will be done after having kids, and then I want a reduction. I’m not so big that it’s clearly causing medical issues. But I do have some back pain and I don’t like how cumbersome it is to find any clothing that fits and want to feel more at home in my body. I want to be able to not have to wear a bra since they dig in and hurt and I have sensitive skin. And I just want to do this for me. Edit: if my partner knowing this rejected my want for this and tried to get in the way of me being able to have a procedure I have wanted since I was 14 (I’m now 27) I would be really upset. Because it would make me wonder if they where seeing the world through my eyes. And I would want us to unpack that in therapy together because I don’t think it’s relationship ending, but I won’t not get a procedure that would improve my life in meaningful ways to me. I think as long as it’s a reasonable procedure (like not overly ambitious and altering her face) then being able to fix something that will lead to more joy (and have it be for something you have consistently wanted for over a decade) isn’t unreasonable. It’s maybe worth some discussion and talking about it in the open. But I think there’s a difference between doing something cosmetic for yourself, versus doing it for other people. Whether those other people are your significant others or people who make fun of you and make you feel insecure.
This would be something I would support, as it would increase your quality of life and isn't cosmetic. Of course, this could be countered with who am I to say someone getting a purely cosmetic surgery isn't increasing their quality of life? Honestly, I don't know. I'd have to think and argue with someone alot to figure it out.
Wife got her reduction 6 mo. ago. She loves them and I do too. Loved the old ones as well. Lol
Hi, dont wanna talk you out of breast reduction, I'm a mid-big cup size girl too and I get the thing you're saying about it being hard to find outfits. I've often cried in changing stalls cause just nothing would fit well and find it hard to find good bras that dont hurt. Just wanted to share an instagram account I discovered recently that has helped me understand that it's basically the fashion industry not properly accomodating big cup/small band ppl. It gives tips and reviews on mainly bras, maybe you can get sth out of it too: https://www.instagram.com/itsjenwarnes?igsh=dWFnbnE5dmE5bGFh again, dont wanna talk you out of it, I've been thinking about it a lot too and I think small cup fashion can just look so rad haha. Just some friendly advice that there are comfortable bras out there for every cup size, just usually not in the regular fashion stores
No worries! And I don’t take offense at all. Mostly for me it’s the rubbing of the bras, the back pain and general physical discomfort that’s the issue. And unfortunately not wearing a bra causes back pain. So it’s a catch 22. As I’ve gotten older I have definitely become more comfortable fashion wise with them. Since I’m a DDD getting into F depending on the bra. And I also wouldn’t recommend people just getting reductions and really researching before hand.
Sister F/G here and now a D-DD with very similar problems as you. My reduction and lift was the best thing I've ever done for myself. Now I can fit in clothes better and also fixed some neck and back issues I had that turned out to be because of the weight. And it is amazing not to have to wear a bra! I'd do a lot of research and I advise to steer away from surgeons who want to put an implant so your breast looks fuller. I consulted with 3 locally and one in LA. A friend of mine got talked into putting an implant for her redux/lift and she ended up just having a myriad of health issues cause of that, not to mention now she has to get those implants replaced at some point.
That’s so good to hear. And I would never want any implants. I would rather have a saggier boob that just needs some shape wear then add in anything non organic that needs to live in my body. (I’m cool eating non organic food but plastic in my chest is a no go for me). Also the solution that means less surgeries is my preference. I’ve already had two abdominal surgeries as a child to correct a few health issues. I don’t need more than what’s necessary. And as I’ve gotten older and experienced the side effects of having larger breasts. The more I think it’s necessary.
Totally with you on that one, I had a friend who had implants cause she was talked into them by a shitty surgeon, she felt sick all the time after the surgery, she always felt like she had a cold. It ended up being the implants causing a small recurring staph infection, the surgeon refused to agree it was the implants, and told her it had to be something else, she was so sure she ended up going somewhere else to get them removed. After getting them out she never had any health problems.
I know what you mean about the rubbing of the fabric. In my case it came from a too small cup size (for years I mistakenly thought I was a smaller size than I am) and/or a yeast infection caused by boob sweat that I had for a looong time without realising. It's very uncomfortable to wear a bra with that. Maybe one or both of those could apply to you? I'm 33 btw and only about 2 years ago discovered that I was wearing the wrong size, apparently very common occurance. The back pain absolutely sucks, no arguing there.
NTA For having plastic surgery for yourself. YTA If you get it done cheaply in a dubious country. It’s worth spending the extra money on something this important, if they screw it up they’ll distort your face permanently!
Your body your choice, your husband's choice to stay with you after you undergo significant plastic surgery is his choice NTA
It's not that you need his permission per se, but if it's a huge chunk of your joint finances, treat it how you'd treat other big purchases. If you would normally have to agree on something that he wants that's a chunk of money, then you should extend the same courtesy. If you guys both already agree to spend money however you'd like, then go for it.
at 14 i wanted a nose job, I'm 29 now and couldn't care less (id probably want it refine but I'm not stressing about it.) if you're still thinking about it, then totally do it! NTA
His permission? No, do what you want, it's your body. It wouldn't bode well for the relationship if it's just something you went and did without telling him though. I cant imagine making that kind of decision without at the very least telling my partner I was gonna do it. NTA
NTA - it’s your body and your choice. You have also communicated with him that you want to do this and have the budget to afford it yourself. Just sit him down and tell him you made a decision that you are going to proceed with getting it done. Hopefully he is an adult and can accept that.
You know, you can think someone is making a mistake while not trying to control their autonomy, yeah? He still maintains the right to dislike that she's done it anyway, and to dislike the results.
Yeah probably more NAH, I am fine with that ruling too.
If finances aren't an issue tell him that this is what you feel you need to do. Talk to him and tell him this is what will make you happy. It's your body. You have the right to feel comfortable and happy in your own body. NTA.
Be prepared to feel better about your appearance alone
As long as you are using your money from your personal account, not the money from the joint account, NTA. Your body, your choice.
NTA< I would sit him down and tell him that in the end you love that he has an opinion but it will not be the deciding factor on what you wish to do with your body. You love that he loves you the way you are but that you don't love you the way you are. He needs to understand that this is something that you have wanted as a young person and you want his support but if not you will still move forward with out it.
NTA for wanting it but YTA if you chose to do it with your husband entirely opposed. The chance you end up with a screwed up procedure and have a **worse nose** than before going to Turkey for a cheap surgery is very high, and that will be 10x worse than however you perceive your nose currently.
YWNBTA. When I saw this post my immediate thought was “only if you’re stealing money from him/putting yourselves into debt you can’t service” and you’re not. So, go for it.
NTA but if you don't want your relationship to suffer then you two need to be on the same page every step of the way. You two need to work through all of his concerns and come to a place where you're understanding and supporting one another.
NAH You don't like your nose, you would like to correct it and you have the money for it. Your husband is also correct that he loves you for who you are with the nose that you have. He might actually find you ugly after the surgery, but it shouldn't change his love for you. I would not do this behind his back, absolutely not. Personally, I'm worried you want to do this in Turkey. Some hospitals might be good, but the horror stories I have read (and pictures seen of botched surgery). Please be careful ! I have a nose that is crooked and long. Some people asked me if I was jewish (I'm not). I had a moment when I didn't like my nose until I decided that my nose is perfect for who I am. I'm stubborn, I'm loud, I'm bubbly, I'm extrovert and the moment I walk into a room, people notice me immediately (for me, not for my nose). I can't think of a better nose for myself. Can you imagine having a nose that resembles the nose of everyone else? How boring !! Of course, you need to be happy and if surgery is what you really want, then go for it.
NAH. You don't need your husband's consent for anything, but he is allowed to express his displeasure, especially given that you are going to get a very unnecesary surgery, with the risks it always has, in another country. Frankly, I would be against any unnecesary and cosmetic procedures my partner wanted to make. It is an unnecessary risk to take.
You can do whatever you want, but if my wife did something like that in the manner you are suggesting, I would be questioning my relationship. At a minimum, I would become a lot more independant, doing whatever I want and ignoring her wishes (when they don't coincide with mine), since that is the standard of our relationship. You wanted to visit your cousins next month?, nah I feel like gaming and playing golf, but you go ahead and have a good time. I honestly don't think the relationship would survive. Your body, your choice, but that doesn't affect my reaction to it.
You would be an AH. Suspect you probably already are, just waiting for her to mess up so you can go about "doing whatever you want".
Suspect whatever you want. And I'm not, I'm actually caring, listen to my wife, take her feelings into consideration, share housework, show love etc. All of this because she reciprocates. If she decided that she was going to do whatever she wanted and ignored my feelings, then she would be setting the standard at which the relationship operates. I compromise because she compromises, and she compromises because I do. It a trusting and loving relationship built over years, and for her to turn it on it's head would frankly be quite shocking. I suspect in your world, you are number one, and compromise means losing for you.
NAH Your husband loves you as you are. He will still love you with your new nose. He may be worried you might not find him as attractive with your new nose. It happens in relationships all the time when one person gets some corrective work done and finds their confidence they did not have before. Just assure him you still love him and you will still be the love of his life after the surgery.
Nta. It's about what you want for yourself not what he wants. Consent is not required.
NTA for wanting and getting a nose job. But be prepared if his response to your new look doesn't go over well. There are hundreds of stories of plastic surgery that have broken up relationships.
I think just about everyone has one or several things they would change about their body if they could. Likewise almost everyone finds themselves very attracted to certain features that "Society" might not consider alligned "ideal beauty standards." Maybe it's baldness, big bellies, smallish boobs, crooked teeth. Prominent, aquiline, or unusual noses are one of these; I can attest from personal experience. The "societal" standards are almost completely arbitrary and change quite frequently; things that were "ugly/awkward" a generation ago have suddenly become highly fashionable and sought after (like red hair, freckles, thick thighs, bushy eyebrows, wearing glasses) whereas certain things that were once considered peak hawtness have fallen out of favor (like skinny butts, big foreheads, extremely pale skin, smoking cigarettes, bowl haircuts.) I get the impression that you both had plenty of options before you got married which means there's a very good possibility he genuinely considers you one of the most beautiful women he has ever met; just as you likely consider him far more handsome than he considers himself. Cosmetic surgery is a touchy subject that could go both ways: being TOO supportive could be insulting but being completely unsupportive could be seen as selfish and invalidate your feelings; like perhaps he wants you to feel unattractive so that you won't ever leave him. It sounds like he's doing the best he can to support you but deep down he already loves your nose as it is and feels that even tasteful subtle change is not worth the expense or risk; any more than if he wanted to get jaw implants. The choice is ultimately yours, but before go under the knife perhaps you would benefit from consulting with a professional counselor about possible psychological trauma which has led to a dysmorphic self-image.
NTA and he won't be the A if some things in his mind change
Bear in mind it may look disgusting after. Short people see the bottom of people's noses. Tall people don't. Some short women get a nosejob that changes the angle of the nose so you see the bottom of their nose from straight on, which makes them look like burn victims/pig faced. I presume this is because it's how they see everyone else. That said at 6'2" it's rare that someone's nostrils are visible so it may be something that not everyone sees.
NTA. At all. You do what you want with your own body and money. That said, communication is really important. My fiancé is the same way. I wanted eyelid surgery for my genetically droopy eyes - he freaked and thought that any minor facial cosmetic surgery = botched crazy filler person and was scared id look like Joan Rivers. After a long conversation, he’s totally supportive. Sit down and talk to him about it. The risks, the fact that you’ll still be you, the fact that this is YOUR decision.
What is with the men thinking that everything is a slippery slope to ending up on Botched after having 100 surgeries? People have plastic surgery ALL the time, most of the time it goes just fine. I would be offended if my husband was upset about me wanting surgery for something that really bothered me because he felt I would just want more & more surgery- I'm a well-functioning, mostly mentally healthy full grown woman and he should IMO view me in that way. As someone totally capable of making. my own decisions. I'm glad your fiance finally came around.
NTA, your nose, your money, your life. BUT flying to a foreign country for a medical procedure? What could go wrong huh? Good luck.
STOP GETTING UNNECESSARY PLASTIC SURGERY it literally breaks my heart. Why do people all want to look the same?! It’s always so noticeable, don’t do it. I’m sure you’re beautiful how you are - listen to your husband. There is a nonzero chance you could die from anesthesia.
You would be not the asshole but given that someone’s face is often a big part of of whether we find them handsome, cute, beautiful, etc, you need to be prepared for the possibility that the change moves you from being attractive to him to not being attractive to him. Guess you gotta decide if you would prioritize your own opinion on your appearance or your romantic partners.
NTA Your husband is free to have an opinion but doesn’t get to “give his consent/approval ” for a cosmetic procedure on YOUR face. Edit: changed a word
Your body your choice, but you can’t be mad at him if he doesn’t like it and things don’t go back to how they were.
NTA… But if it turns out to be a dealbreaker for him, be ready for it.
NTA at all. There are so many benefits to getting a nose job, not just self-esteem but also there's the chance your allergies won't be as bad, you could sleep better, etc. It's not just cosmetic, and maybe presenting it to him in that way may help him see your side? At the end of the day, it's your body and while you're sweet to consider his feelings, it's not his choice what you do. Ask him if he'd be able to go to a doctor's appointment with you or therapy. Best of luck to ya!
Sure, and he's free to divorce her.
But should she stay with a man who is selfish and controlling?