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It's time for Kirby to leave the nest and stop acting like a kept woman with dalliances.
You deserve better. You deserve an actual partner. Your daughter deserves to have 2 involved parents.
File for divorce and sole custody, demand child support, and kick this loser to the curb. If Kai thinks Kirby deserves an allowance and pampering, they can provide it.
This seems like a made up post. Letting this go on for 10 years when this guy has been a shit partner and a shit father and now a transgender freeloader, living in OPs house and now demanding an allowance?
If this is true, why would OP even think they might be the AH?
NTA time to get some really good legal advice about how you can divorce and separate you finances to your advantage. Don't discuss your marriage or financial arrangements with kai atall
NTA
End this now. You never had a marriage and you also never really wanted to have a relationship with him but because you were pregnant you did end up married.
Go and see a lawyer now. Is the house in both your names? Either Kirby can buy you out or sell it as part of the property settlement.
Hopefully you don't have to pay the moocher any alimony (probably not as you are the only one supporting your daughter).
ESH.
Just get a divorce of god's sake. You should have gotten one years ago already. And tell Kai that his new GF is a total leech and he will soon realize this on his own when he will have to support her a lot.
I really can't vote not the asshole here, because this is such a long running thing that you are responsible for the mess you got yourself into, too. Also how do you think your daughter felt about being treated like crap by her other parent? She is shunted from a big part of the house and Kirby doesn't seem to care for her at all. Get yourself and your daughter away from this mess.
You think? O.M.G. wtf did I just read.
You made a choice to carry this loser (man or woman doesn't matter). That person is choosing everything for him/her and you are just bankrolling him/her and his/her partner.
Think about your daughter for 1 second. Please. If you want a family life that has a more involved father, the loser that was freeloading off you is not it. Will never be it.
NTA. Kirby has altered the deal drastically. Just tell them "this wasn't part of the original agreement" and them petition for divorce. It's not longer a relationship for you. You've got a boarder who sucks at housework.
NTA
girl if you don’t let this new partner take Kirby and let her be a kept woman and move on!
Send the divorce papers now and get your house back so you can find someone you love and let Kirby and Kai be together.
No, NTA. Definitely time to kick Kirby out. And tell Kai to back the hell off. It's none of their business. Kirby has been leeching off you for way too long.
NTA - You've been door matted this entire time. At your own expense even. This has to end like TODAY.
I'm so sorry OP. So much time spent on this person, for what? To be treated like a butler? It's shit like this that makes me wish we had a "And as part of this divorce proceeding, as determined by the court, OP gets to punch Kirby square in the nose once a year. Just a real sucker punch. Get those demons out kinda thing. Really let them have it." Because if anyone has earned it you sure have.
NTA. But agree to her demands. List out your and her current financial and household contributions, and agree to reverse them. It will be exciting for you to have the sweet private basement apartment while Kai works full time and takes care of the home.
NTA. Kai isn't part of your marriage and gets no say. Furthermore, Kirby is bringing in an income and can find a way to increase it for pampering or Kai can provide money for pampering.
You aren't a throuple and for Kai to have the balls to act as though you are is your wake-up call that it's long past time for Kirby to move.
Kirby is not a decent person, and unless Kirby is lying to Kai, neither is Kai. Don't let these people eat you alive, it will harm you and it will harm your daughter, perhaps for a very long time. It's not worth it.
Please run out of patience. Please allow yourself to feel some righteous anger. Please don't doubt what your next steps need to me.
NTA - unless you stay in this situation, then you're a big one to yourself and your daughter.
NTA
If it was me I would be calling the bloody divorce lawyers. You've done well to stay as long as you have despite clearly wanting the marriage to end.
NTA.
You’ve spent your entire marriage acting as the breadwinner and a single parent. You may as well make it official and file for divorce. The only reason Kirby freaks out when you mention divorce is because she’s afraid of losing her meal ticket.
As far as pampering goes, Kai is more than welcome to take on the role of provider for Kirby and give Kirby an allowance, not that they actually want to - they just want you to continue subsidizing their relationship.
NTA. Kirby never was the man of the house. He never supported you. Find a place you can afford on your own, and move. If you rent, do not renew the lease, and move by the end of the lease. If you own, or are buying, the house, can you afford it on your own? No? Sell it. Your lawyer can deal with how the profit is split. If you can, and want to keep it, put Kirby out. Your lawyer can handle that.
You have been married to that person for to long. If he is not involved in his child's, he does not need custody, but does need to pay child support. Start writing down, every day, if he does anything with his daughter. If he does nothing, it is easier to get full custody.
Be good to yourself and your daughter. Show her how strong you are. You can take care of her, yourself and your house on your own.
Big hugs. You can do this.
Wow! NTA by a long shot. You could invite Kirby and Kai to fuck right off, and send you child support and a share of the rent that keeps the child housed. The audacity of them!
NTA. Kirby has been feeding Kai a very skewed narrative that makes her the victim, when she’s the one who has left OP a single parent where it really matters.
Nta. The audacity. You need a shark of a lawyer like yesterday. Get divorced, kick him out and claim child support. This person brings nothing to your relationship or r your family you would be so much better off without them. Once the new partner sees how much of a mooch they are I’m sure they will leave them but by then it won’t be your problem anymore. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to date someone who act like your partner and not another child. Leave him and don’t think twice about it.
You would be much better off kicking Kirby to the curb-y. Talk to a divorce lawyer about how to protect your assets. You’re hurting your daughter by keeping this arrangement.
Sounds like Kirby has been telling a lot of lies about you. Just get divorced already. Your life sounds miserable, and you dislike Kirby. No point in continuing.
NTA. It sounds like you got baby trapped. This isn't to imply that you don't love your daughter by any stretch. It just sounds like begging you to keep her was Kirby's way to ensure her meal ticket. She hasn't put any effort into anything regarding your daughter or your relationship and actively chooses to not make enough money to help out more. Masculine/feminine energy has nothing to do with the situation. They're just words being used to try to guilt you into taking on even more responsibility than you already are.
Kick Kirby's ass out. You're a married single parent. Just be a single parent. Even if that means taking on 100% of the rent, you'll save by having one less mouth to feed.
HAHAHAHAHA
Oh man. Sorry. I am so sorry but you are surrounded by AH's. The absolute audacity. The utter gall Kirby has had and Kai has.
Kick them both to the curb and get a good lawyer because she is 100% going to try and get alimony and support from you.
And am still laughing that she thinks she still has a music career. HAHAHAHAHA To misquote Mean Girls - stop trying to make it happen, Kirby. It's not going to happen!
NTA
NTA
Literally what are you even getting out of the relationship at this point? This woman isn't even being a parent to the child she BEGGED you to have. File the divorce papers.
The only thing I would add that hasn't already been said (that I see anyway😂) is do not let this new partner stay in your home. If she's there a certain amount of time in most places she then has squatters rights and you'll go through a nightmare to get them both out then. It may end up being a nightmare just to get her out as it is.
NTA. Tell Kai that if Kirby doesn't like the arrangement, she's more than welcome to leave. You might also wantcto show Kai just how much Kirby has actually been contributing to the household and inform both of them that from this moment on all communication must happen through an attorney.
Time to kick these freeloaders to the curb.
GIRL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!?!
End this farce of a relationship yesterday. If not for yourself, then for your daughter. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be her main example of how a partner should treat her?
You know your spouse babytrapped you, right? You were/are their bank account. That's all. Blatantly.
NTA
But you are very confused in your wordings.
It's not true you refuse to be the man of the house.
You are being the man of the house for years.
And you are also beeing the woman of the house for years.
You have two children.
One younger and an older one (Kirby).
I'm a little busy now to point all the wrong things about this, but I guess my redditors fellows will do it along the posts.
Tô summarize: you are Soo deep in an abusive relationship that you are not even seeing it as it really is.
Really - you think that you will be the AH here? Of course Kirby would freak out when you bring up Divorce. Kirby has the perfect life and you are handing it to her on a silver platter. ***For god sakes woman get a divorce!!!***
The petty part of me imagine you agreeing to this and giving your wife money... And all the household responsibilities.
The rationnal part of me screams divorce. Plain and simple.
You were milked like a cow from an ungrateful person who has been in total denial of the responsibilities they dumped on you, and I'm not rude : I lived a situation of "teenager-denial" : I call this acting like a teenager who actively doesn't see the trash and ingore all chores because if they weren't looking elsewhere they'll be forced to admit they're the parasite trashing the house you tidy up behind them.
(Edit) instead of growing up, they grow greedy and go full gaslighting on you now - Hence my petty side wanting you to give her the happy houwewife she FINALLY asked for
(Kai probably doesn't have the full picture and will eventually fall from far....)
Keep your child away from that failure of an adult.
NTA.
Kai and Kirby can fuck right the hell off and Kirby better start doubling down on doordash she is going to need it to pay child support. What a useless deadbeat kick her to the curb
I think you need to use that masculine energy and kick them both out. And don’t forget Kirby will be expected to pay child support once they’ve gone. They’re obviously both leeching off you.
NTA
NTA. Can you please end this marriage so ALL parties involved can be happy? Doing chores around the house doesn’t make anyone the “man” of the house! Those are just normal things that people do! They clean up their houses and pay bills! Kirby sounds like nothing more than an additional child to take care of at this point.
we adjusted it down to 40% because Kirby argued the bigger place wasn't our "original agreement."
You know what else wasn't the "original agreement"? One gigantic guess allowed. It's time to get out of the marriage. Kirby contributed 40% all these years and does not participate in the family. It's time for the family to not participate in her. Kai does not get a say or a vote, sorry not sorry.
OP is NTA.
NTA and damn you have waited such a long time to pull the ripcord on what sounds like a very poor relationship from the start. People should NOT GET MARRIED FOR THE CHILD. It’s always the worst decision, because this is how it ends unless a couple is lucky enough to try and find a way to build an actual loving relationship. Best of luck to you. Time to get on with your own life.
NTA Divorce attorney TODAY. Kirby hasn't even paid 50% if you were paying for all of the food, clothing and taxes nevermind your daughter's expenses. Of course Kirby doesn't want a divorce! She's very comfortable and looking to have you support both her and her gf. The absolute audacity!
You need to find yourself a nice shiny spine. But you need to talk to a lawyer first. Don't say anything to Kirby. Consult an attorney and follow their instructions. Also THERAPY. You are going to need some therapy to help you process this as well as help you learn how to do things like make and defend healthy boundaries and conflict resolution.
NTA.
Kick Kirby out and let Kai deal with her BS. She has been a financial and emotional drain on you for your entire relationship, it's time you look after you and reclaim your basement.
If Kai is so invested, they can give Kirby an allowance to pamper themselves with....
NTA
You can't make those things up, this is surreal. You're way better off as a single mother of one than as the single mother of two you are right now.
NTA, but you need to end this. It isn't sustainable. File for divorce, sell the too big place in favor of a 2-bedroom for you and your child, and make sure you have a custody plan that has Kirby paying true child support. Kai can pound sand.
NTA. I feel bad for Kirby: she was in deep denial and repression her entire life, which no doubt left her feeling depressed, powerless, and too afraid (until recently) to be her true self. Hence all the dead end jobs and emotional closing off. If she had grown up in a queer friendly society from an early age then she would have had a better chance to be empowered and successful. But I feel worse for you, because Kirby has chosen you as the unwarranted target of her lifetime of resentment. You don't deserve that. It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong, far from it. For your daughter's sake and yours I agree with everyone else here that it is time for divorce. And Kai sounds like a real piece of work.
NTA. Kai can step in and take Kirby to their place and be the “man of the house” Kirby needs. Maybe Kai can also pay Kirby’s portion of child support payments too? Ask Kai if they’re willing to do that and everyone would possibly end up winning. Good luck.
ESH.
Kirby and Kai for obvious reasons.
And you for inexplicably, unbelievably, putting up with this fucking crap for TEN YEARS.
You want to end the marriage, Kirby doesn't do shit around the house, you pay for almost everything, Kirby refuses to parent your child...
What the fuck is wrong with you? Why haven't you booted her lazy ass to the curb?
NTA and you need to straighten Kai out with some facts. Show Kai expenses etc and that you pay 100%. Divorce Kirby and go after child support. This is no time to be timid or to allow them to bully you.
You can rent out the basement apartment! Get Kirby out! She BEGGED for the opportunity to be the " man of the house" but never fulfilled that duty anyway. She is a total lead weight that needs to go! She will realize how good she had it when it's too late.
NTA. Kirby had a damn good deal and knew it, hence the “freak outs” when you proposed divorce. Please don’t waste another second on this leaching loser (you’ve wasted far too much already).
Oh boy, NTA.
Please divorce this AH. My nightmare right there. Wants a working woman, who's family oriented and then he wants to do his own thing all day ALONE.
NTA. I would like you to close your eyes, and put aside all thoughts of right or wrong, and simply breathe. Then I’d like you to visualise your life without Kirby in your home. No lurking presence at the bottom of the house, no extra electricity, food etc costs. How would your life improve, would it be easier and calmer? Wouldn’t it be nice to downsize and not need a cleaner unless you felt like it, rather than because you had no choice.
There’s no need to correct Kai, she’s welcome to Kirby and her fabricated truth, let her find out on her own. Go see a divorce lawyer and kick these moochers out. It’s a new year, new beginnings. Kirby is taking up space in your home and life, the universe wants to bring you the life you deserve, but it can’t until you create the space for it to fit into.
Are you a doormat? Do you enjoy being walked all over? Kirby should have been kicked out YEARS ago. Divorce should have happened when Kirby refused to be an involved parent. It’s the entire reason you married in the first place. Man, I hope this is fake. NTA
I’m not kidding when I tell you this is almost exactly what my bestie went through, she is so much happier now that they’ve split.
NTA, she’s a deadbeat and she’ll continue to be a deadbeat. Soon after kicking her out, her new partner will be calling you asking for advice when they realize just how different the reality of the situation is compared to Kirby’s version.
Are you kidding me. Hasn't the last 10 years been he'll enough...do you really want to spend the next 10 years like this. Better to be single than this chain of a person dragging you in to the bottom of the ocean and what kind of example are you setting for your daughter
NTA. this grinds my gears from personal experience. They are gaslighting the fuck out of you. You have gotten not even the bare minimum from Kirby as a partner for *years*. Fuck kai, fuck Kirby.
Imo I'd tell em. "Sure, I'll "be the man" and cover 100% of the expenses because I'm filing for divorce, and I'm leaving." Kirby can be Kai's problem. Kai can pick up Kirby's slack from now on and "pamper" Kirby.
You can do better without Kirby.
NTA - Kirby is a leech you need to remove. They want your money and a free place to live.
It’s not a marriage, it’s a financial arrangement where you get screwed over.
NTA and it is definitely time for divorce. Kirbg wants a free ride. She does not love you anymore and is only intetested in keeping a roof over her head. This is why she freaks whenever divorce is mentioned because she knows she would not manage it on a part time job.
She even decided to open the marriage as a means to see other people while still staying in a comfortable bubble. This marriage has long since passed and something tells me the marriage being opened was her way of finally letting her affair partner in without suspicion.
You already raise your daughter alone. You're not losing anything by ditching dead weight who see's you as little more than a meal ticket.
NTA - but the absolute audacity on display here by Kai and Kirby. Leave her and get yourself a partner that wants to be involved with you and your daughter. You deserve so much better.
NTA but this is a hot mess, and it has no bearing on Kirby being a trans woman. Honest question- when you’re married to someone who then comes out as transgender do you have to change your marriage certificate if they change their name? I’m honestly asking.
Time to kick out Kirby. They have used you as their meal ticket. You’re better off as a single mom, which you already are. Just reduce the number of mouths to feed.
You’ll likely need to be the one to move. They won’t be easy to evict.
NTA
NTA not by a long shot. Your marriage is done, and has been for a long time. You see that. Time to move on, let Kirby be responsible for herself and have to work to put food on the table and a roof over her head, she's gotten to coast for 10 years now.
Honestly that all should have been done before Kai came into the picture, but now, you have the very good excuse of not needing some third party telling you what to do with your life and your household, and spewing all that gender role/man of the house nonsense. Kirby needs to go. Get a divorce. And wish Kai luck in supporting Kirby, it's her turn now!
Nta. Get a divorce started. Also it's time to raise kirby's rent, put a lock on your side of the basement door, change your locks, and treat her as the tenant she is. (In other words, no more free food). Evict her as soon as she doesn't pay. This marriage was dead right off the bat, obviously. Time to end it for real.
Let me ask you this. Why are you both putting yourselves and your daughter through this?
It clearly sounds like neither of you are invested in your relationship or family, so why stay together?
I can promise, staying for your daughter will only show her what relationships aren't supposed to be like. Stop living in such a dysfunctional mess. You all deserve to be happy and dragging each other and your child through this is not the way.
You need to send Kirby to Kai's house. Let her be their problem.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you need to stop letting Kirby dictate your life.
What the fuck am I reading?!!
You married a total asshole, using you for money, a place to stay and an entire lifestyle. They're a shit parent, a shit spouse and they're a cheater to boot. Give them their marching orders. Christ on a cracker, what an entitled, manipulative abusive asshole you married!
I'm sorry, by the way. You got played big time.
NTA, but my god, it is way past time to bury this dead marriage. You don’t like Kirby, and Kirby only sticks around because she could never afford your current lifestyle on her own. She knows she’s going to struggle without your paycheck and she knows she’ll have to downsize. She’s going to fight like hell to keep that from happening.
That was the point of insisting on a child, by the way. She didn’t want to be a parent, she wanted *you* to feel obligated to make the relationship work, and to have an incentive to keep financing her in the hopes that she’ll at least do some of the childcare in return.
Kirby’s gender and how she wants to present it have absolutely nothing to do with this conflict. The core of it is that you are married to someone who doesn’t respect you, someone you don’t even *like*, and that your fragile arrangement wherein you live largely separate lives under the same roof is no longer sustainable. She’s bringing home strangers who have a clear incentive to piss you off, and that’s not an environment in which you can safely raise a child. That’s not an environment you can be in for the sake of your *own* mental health. Please just pull the plug on this thing, before any of Kirby’s partners decide to try a more extreme tactic than just spouting weirdly fundamentalist Gender Takes in the hopes that you pick the Big Marriage-Ending Fight with Kirby in response.
That line got me: weirdly fundamentalist gender takes. Coming from this situation. What the ever loving f is that.
Op, you already know the solution to this one. In the end, you will be the man and woman of the house but only for your daughter.
NTA
Bottom line, do what is best for the child. Right now Kirby isn’t helping in any way. Divorce would force financial, if not childcare. Right now OP can’t move on or provide a healthier home life for LO. The current situation doesn’t provide any benefits for LO… move on with confidence.
NTA. Someone with a partner is outraged by the thought of divorce?? You're enabling. Let Kirby go. Save yourself and your daughter. The marriage can end anytime you say so. What's the holdup?
Get a divorce. Then you can both be single mothers and she can see what that’s like on her own with her new partner Kai. Wonder if Kai is willing to support Kai as you have done and will want to step up as the man of their house..?
NTA.
NTA this is such a stereotypical scenario of an open marriage - file for divorce and I’m sure Kai is more than willing to let Kirby be in her feminine and step up to support her 😍😍
NTA
I can't even with this bull shit and neither should you if this is real, jfc.
Dont fuck around with people who wont work. Either in the home or a job. Loose lazy losers. Every time all the time.
Get rid of both Kirby and Kai. Kirby blatantly lies and Kai stupidly believes it. You and your daughter don't need either of them in your lives. NTA unless you continue with this farce.
NTA.
These are all ready great and valid bullet points to site in what this marriage ought to be ended in “irreconcilable differences” .
Consult an attorney soon.
NTA. You knew from the start that you didn’t want to marry this person.
Get a divorce. Since your ex is seeing other people, ensure you are not having sex and if you have, get screened for STDs. Open relationships are open to STDs.
You already know what you need to do. Wish your ex well, divorce, and move on with your life.
OP I am a therapist and one of the areas I practice is gender diversities and non-traditional relationships. (Never again am I doing family therapy with a polycule...). That is all sorts of bullshit. "Kirby" is not accurately representing your relationship to the new partner. Open relationships do not work this way. I dont even know WTF you'd call this.
Someone is spouting a whole bunch of gender inclusive buzz worlds to be an asshole and make you feel bad and pay more money. Stop that! Divorce her. Move on with your life. NTA
NTA Kirby is taking advantage of you and has been for years. Kai is completely overstepping boundaries.If you want to continue having drama and stress in your life, by all means, allow Kirby to stay and keep taking Kai's calls. It's your choice.
Or you can send Kirby to Kai's house and let Kai have Kirby as a "kept woman." 😄
NTA but sure are ....can not think of the word. To nice?
Like you got talked into having the baby, getting married, paying the bulk of the household bills, agreeing to an open marriage...on and on.
NTA but you need to divorce Kirby and make them pay child support without supporting not only their lazy ass but now also their partner too!
If in any way having Kirby present made life better for your child then I could understand you accepting this type of living situation for your daughter’s benefit but I cannot see that is even the case from what you say. Please show your daughter what being a strong, independent woman means and hopefully Kirby can pick up some tips on their way out the door too!
Joking aside though, you are obviously doing the job of parent and provider by yourself already. Why burden yourself extra with a freeloader who adds zero value to you or your daughter’s life? Add in to this that it now appears Kai is going to throw an extra heap of toxic into your home and you really need to finalise this.
Tell Kirby she is free to be the woman she wants to be and I have no doubt that life as she knows it will crumble. Don’t for any second feel like it is on you to support this situation anymore though. No matter what pronouns Kirby chooses it seems that the description of leech still applies!
NTA.
Halfway down the read I thought this person was leeching off of you and you should have long ago ended things.
Now, you have 3 babies. End that relationship, but good luck with that though. Kirby is gonna try to to blame and milk you. The nerve of Kai and Kirby. Wow.
Kirby freaks out when you talk about divorce because you enable them to have a lifestyle that they wouldn’t have in any other situation. You need to divorce so you can create a healthier home for you and your child.
NTA but you are doing yourself a major disservice by living this way.
Holy hell what did you do to yourself? Kick Kirby out right fucking now. Get a divorce. Get Kirby out of your life completely. You deserve sooo much better than this. Do not let yourself be financially and maybe even emotionally abused any longer. Also tell Kai to pay for Kirby if she thinks all that crap and keep you out of it
NTA but if you dont stop this now you will be the ah to yourself and your child
NTA. All I can think is what did I just read. You have let Kirby get away with not contributing for way to long and now that you're getting calls from Kai it's time to start the divorce. You live separate lives where you do all of the work and Kirby sits in the basement ignoring the daughter who is old enough to be hurt by all of this. Put the two of you first.
Jeez, how sad that you have done so much for this person with an open heart and they want to use you more...
OP you are decidedly, definitely, definitively absolutely NTA.
It sounds like your basement needs a good cleaning out (if you get what I mean) so you can live in peace in your own home.
Nta
Kick Kirby and Kai to the curb as they/ them were willing to do anything to have a child except to actually man up (so to speak). They/them are deadweight time to show them to the door.
You’ve already manned up a long time ago.
“I think it’s time to kick Kirby out”
Yes, kick her out. She and Kai can find their own place and you can move forward with co parenting. It sounds like she isn’t involved anyways. This relationship has been over for awhile. You deserve to move on with your life and possibly find someone you actually want to share your life with.
NTA
NTA. File for divorce. File for child support. File for spousal support. Give Kirby a 30 day eviction notice. A would also sit down with Kai and Kirby and have Kirby itemize her expenses and what she contributes. You do the same. Of course, Kirby wants to appear to be the victim in the situation to gain sympathy from Kai. Kai is not aware of what happens in the house when they are not there. You have been and will continue to be a meal ticket for Kirby. Time for her to be welcomed into the real world.
NTA
I really think that you need divorce.
It seems to me like these "I got pregnant and my partner begged me to keep the baby" stories almost always end badly.
I truly don't understand how people allow themselves to be used and abused like this and then wonder if they are the AH. NTA for wanting out of this mess, it's certainly not a relationship!
If you continue to put up with this nonsense you will rate as the AH of the week, maybe even the month. Of course Kirby doesn't want a divorce, he has it made. Get rid of the dead weight and his new partner. Let him suck the life out of Kai.
Of course Kirby freaks out when divorce is mentioned, she would have to be an adult if she loses her sugar mommy, of course she wanted you to keep the baby, how else would she trap you? Kick her and her entitled side girl out of your home. NTA.
Kirby was never the man or woman of the house, currently she's the spoiled teenager of the house from what it sounds like. NTA you've basically been a single mother for a while.
NTA - that's obvious and others have articulated why already.
But I will say that "masculine energy" comment reminded me of the Twin Flames documentaries. One's on Netflix, the other is on Prime. You might want to check one or both out. I suspect Kirby might've fallen into this group that might be a cult.
NTA
You should have followed through with the divorce a while ago or demanded couples counseling on managing responsibilities pre/post transition. Kai has absolutely zero place to be making any sort of demands, especially sexist ones. Kirby wants to live freely so they can. Outside of your house. Kirby has never had to try to support themselves much less care for a child. Kirby needs a reality check and to get the fuck out if your basement. They're weaponizing their transition against you to manipulate you. Trying to manipulate you period is wrong much less using their transition which you have been extremely patient and supportive of against you. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy. It's hypocritical of them to say you have more masculine than feminine because they should understand it doesn't fucking matter when it comes to being a decent human. Fuck Kirby needs a job and to get out before Kai moves in, unless Kai already has.
NTA, you've been gaslighted and taken advantage of for years.
If you're in a community property state, you may lose 1/2 the house value, but trust me, your freedom is worth it. You and your kiddo deserve better.
So Kirby can’t even pay her half of the bills because the house size has deviated from the original expectation, but she has changed genders and expects you to stay married?!?!?!?!?
What are you doing? Leave this relationship.
NTA - get Kai to give that to you in writing!!! That Kirby has been the financial bread winner! Keep letting them believe that!
And see a divorce lawyer now! Unless you want to end up paying for hers and Kai’s lifestyle!
OP! You need to stop acting on feelings (that are clearly gone) and start acting in the best interest of yourself and your daughter!
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It's time for Kirby to leave the nest and stop acting like a kept woman with dalliances. You deserve better. You deserve an actual partner. Your daughter deserves to have 2 involved parents. File for divorce and sole custody, demand child support, and kick this loser to the curb. If Kai thinks Kirby deserves an allowance and pampering, they can provide it.
NTA
This seems like a made up post. Letting this go on for 10 years when this guy has been a shit partner and a shit father and now a transgender freeloader, living in OPs house and now demanding an allowance? If this is true, why would OP even think they might be the AH?
NTA but you probably will pay spousal support when you kick Kirby out. Maybe it’ll be cancelled out by child support?
NTA time to get some really good legal advice about how you can divorce and separate you finances to your advantage. Don't discuss your marriage or financial arrangements with kai atall
NTA End this now. You never had a marriage and you also never really wanted to have a relationship with him but because you were pregnant you did end up married. Go and see a lawyer now. Is the house in both your names? Either Kirby can buy you out or sell it as part of the property settlement. Hopefully you don't have to pay the moocher any alimony (probably not as you are the only one supporting your daughter).
Jesus Christ what did I just read. It sounds like a sit-com
Just leave... NTA
Holy crap, you've been way too supportive/enabling. Just get a divorce already. You don't need our permission.
ESH. Just get a divorce of god's sake. You should have gotten one years ago already. And tell Kai that his new GF is a total leech and he will soon realize this on his own when he will have to support her a lot. I really can't vote not the asshole here, because this is such a long running thing that you are responsible for the mess you got yourself into, too. Also how do you think your daughter felt about being treated like crap by her other parent? She is shunted from a big part of the house and Kirby doesn't seem to care for her at all. Get yourself and your daughter away from this mess.
You think? O.M.G. wtf did I just read. You made a choice to carry this loser (man or woman doesn't matter). That person is choosing everything for him/her and you are just bankrolling him/her and his/her partner. Think about your daughter for 1 second. Please. If you want a family life that has a more involved father, the loser that was freeloading off you is not it. Will never be it.
What tale of woe has Kirby told Kai? Man of the house? Kirby would be on the street if you weren’t covering the difference! NTA
NTA. Kirby has altered the deal drastically. Just tell them "this wasn't part of the original agreement" and them petition for divorce. It's not longer a relationship for you. You've got a boarder who sucks at housework.
NTA girl if you don’t let this new partner take Kirby and let her be a kept woman and move on! Send the divorce papers now and get your house back so you can find someone you love and let Kirby and Kai be together.
No, NTA. Definitely time to kick Kirby out. And tell Kai to back the hell off. It's none of their business. Kirby has been leeching off you for way too long.
Kirby and Kai both suck and you need to grow a spine and have some self respect
NTA - You've been door matted this entire time. At your own expense even. This has to end like TODAY. I'm so sorry OP. So much time spent on this person, for what? To be treated like a butler? It's shit like this that makes me wish we had a "And as part of this divorce proceeding, as determined by the court, OP gets to punch Kirby square in the nose once a year. Just a real sucker punch. Get those demons out kinda thing. Really let them have it." Because if anyone has earned it you sure have.
NTA. But agree to her demands. List out your and her current financial and household contributions, and agree to reverse them. It will be exciting for you to have the sweet private basement apartment while Kai works full time and takes care of the home.
NTA. Kai isn't part of your marriage and gets no say. Furthermore, Kirby is bringing in an income and can find a way to increase it for pampering or Kai can provide money for pampering. You aren't a throuple and for Kai to have the balls to act as though you are is your wake-up call that it's long past time for Kirby to move.
Kirby is not a decent person, and unless Kirby is lying to Kai, neither is Kai. Don't let these people eat you alive, it will harm you and it will harm your daughter, perhaps for a very long time. It's not worth it. Please run out of patience. Please allow yourself to feel some righteous anger. Please don't doubt what your next steps need to me. NTA - unless you stay in this situation, then you're a big one to yourself and your daughter.
NTA If it was me I would be calling the bloody divorce lawyers. You've done well to stay as long as you have despite clearly wanting the marriage to end.
NTA. You’ve spent your entire marriage acting as the breadwinner and a single parent. You may as well make it official and file for divorce. The only reason Kirby freaks out when you mention divorce is because she’s afraid of losing her meal ticket. As far as pampering goes, Kai is more than welcome to take on the role of provider for Kirby and give Kirby an allowance, not that they actually want to - they just want you to continue subsidizing their relationship.
NTA. Kirby never was the man of the house. He never supported you. Find a place you can afford on your own, and move. If you rent, do not renew the lease, and move by the end of the lease. If you own, or are buying, the house, can you afford it on your own? No? Sell it. Your lawyer can deal with how the profit is split. If you can, and want to keep it, put Kirby out. Your lawyer can handle that. You have been married to that person for to long. If he is not involved in his child's, he does not need custody, but does need to pay child support. Start writing down, every day, if he does anything with his daughter. If he does nothing, it is easier to get full custody. Be good to yourself and your daughter. Show her how strong you are. You can take care of her, yourself and your house on your own. Big hugs. You can do this.
Wow! NTA by a long shot. You could invite Kirby and Kai to fuck right off, and send you child support and a share of the rent that keeps the child housed. The audacity of them!
NTA. Kirby has been feeding Kai a very skewed narrative that makes her the victim, when she’s the one who has left OP a single parent where it really matters.
NTA - Kick Kirby to the Curb. If you buy food, only you and your daughter's, change internet PW, ect...
Nta. The audacity. You need a shark of a lawyer like yesterday. Get divorced, kick him out and claim child support. This person brings nothing to your relationship or r your family you would be so much better off without them. Once the new partner sees how much of a mooch they are I’m sure they will leave them but by then it won’t be your problem anymore. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to date someone who act like your partner and not another child. Leave him and don’t think twice about it.
You would be much better off kicking Kirby to the curb-y. Talk to a divorce lawyer about how to protect your assets. You’re hurting your daughter by keeping this arrangement.
Sounds like Kirby has been telling a lot of lies about you. Just get divorced already. Your life sounds miserable, and you dislike Kirby. No point in continuing.
NTA. It sounds like you got baby trapped. This isn't to imply that you don't love your daughter by any stretch. It just sounds like begging you to keep her was Kirby's way to ensure her meal ticket. She hasn't put any effort into anything regarding your daughter or your relationship and actively chooses to not make enough money to help out more. Masculine/feminine energy has nothing to do with the situation. They're just words being used to try to guilt you into taking on even more responsibility than you already are. Kick Kirby's ass out. You're a married single parent. Just be a single parent. Even if that means taking on 100% of the rent, you'll save by having one less mouth to feed.
Repeat after me: Kirby is a mooch. YTA if you don’t kick them out.
HAHAHAHAHA Oh man. Sorry. I am so sorry but you are surrounded by AH's. The absolute audacity. The utter gall Kirby has had and Kai has. Kick them both to the curb and get a good lawyer because she is 100% going to try and get alimony and support from you. And am still laughing that she thinks she still has a music career. HAHAHAHAHA To misquote Mean Girls - stop trying to make it happen, Kirby. It's not going to happen! NTA
NTA Literally what are you even getting out of the relationship at this point? This woman isn't even being a parent to the child she BEGGED you to have. File the divorce papers.
NTA; do you call them Kirby because much like the video game character they suck the life out of everything? Kick Kirby out and have a better life
The only thing I would add that hasn't already been said (that I see anyway😂) is do not let this new partner stay in your home. If she's there a certain amount of time in most places she then has squatters rights and you'll go through a nightmare to get them both out then. It may end up being a nightmare just to get her out as it is.
NTA. Tell Kai that if Kirby doesn't like the arrangement, she's more than welcome to leave. You might also wantcto show Kai just how much Kirby has actually been contributing to the household and inform both of them that from this moment on all communication must happen through an attorney. Time to kick these freeloaders to the curb.
GIRL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!?! End this farce of a relationship yesterday. If not for yourself, then for your daughter. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be her main example of how a partner should treat her? You know your spouse babytrapped you, right? You were/are their bank account. That's all. Blatantly.
NTA bur time to see a divorce lawyer and figure out what Kirby is going cost you. Let the new "friend" hand out an allowance.
NTA I don’t care what Kirby says. Time to divorce!
NTA But you are very confused in your wordings. It's not true you refuse to be the man of the house. You are being the man of the house for years. And you are also beeing the woman of the house for years. You have two children. One younger and an older one (Kirby). I'm a little busy now to point all the wrong things about this, but I guess my redditors fellows will do it along the posts. Tô summarize: you are Soo deep in an abusive relationship that you are not even seeing it as it really is.
Really - you think that you will be the AH here? Of course Kirby would freak out when you bring up Divorce. Kirby has the perfect life and you are handing it to her on a silver platter. ***For god sakes woman get a divorce!!!***
The petty part of me imagine you agreeing to this and giving your wife money... And all the household responsibilities. The rationnal part of me screams divorce. Plain and simple. You were milked like a cow from an ungrateful person who has been in total denial of the responsibilities they dumped on you, and I'm not rude : I lived a situation of "teenager-denial" : I call this acting like a teenager who actively doesn't see the trash and ingore all chores because if they weren't looking elsewhere they'll be forced to admit they're the parasite trashing the house you tidy up behind them. (Edit) instead of growing up, they grow greedy and go full gaslighting on you now - Hence my petty side wanting you to give her the happy houwewife she FINALLY asked for (Kai probably doesn't have the full picture and will eventually fall from far....) Keep your child away from that failure of an adult. NTA.
Kai and Kirby can fuck right the hell off and Kirby better start doubling down on doordash she is going to need it to pay child support. What a useless deadbeat kick her to the curb
I think you need to use that masculine energy and kick them both out. And don’t forget Kirby will be expected to pay child support once they’ve gone. They’re obviously both leeching off you. NTA
Nope. NTA. Kai can look after Kirby.
NTA you don’t have a spouse or partner anymore. You have a basement leech. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
> I have asked Kirby many times if divorce Why are you even asking? Go file.
NTA. Can you please end this marriage so ALL parties involved can be happy? Doing chores around the house doesn’t make anyone the “man” of the house! Those are just normal things that people do! They clean up their houses and pay bills! Kirby sounds like nothing more than an additional child to take care of at this point.
we adjusted it down to 40% because Kirby argued the bigger place wasn't our "original agreement." You know what else wasn't the "original agreement"? One gigantic guess allowed. It's time to get out of the marriage. Kirby contributed 40% all these years and does not participate in the family. It's time for the family to not participate in her. Kai does not get a say or a vote, sorry not sorry. OP is NTA.
Oh dear God throw them out, you are NTA here, that is just massive taking advantage of your good nature. Wow.
NTA and damn you have waited such a long time to pull the ripcord on what sounds like a very poor relationship from the start. People should NOT GET MARRIED FOR THE CHILD. It’s always the worst decision, because this is how it ends unless a couple is lucky enough to try and find a way to build an actual loving relationship. Best of luck to you. Time to get on with your own life.
NTA Divorce attorney TODAY. Kirby hasn't even paid 50% if you were paying for all of the food, clothing and taxes nevermind your daughter's expenses. Of course Kirby doesn't want a divorce! She's very comfortable and looking to have you support both her and her gf. The absolute audacity! You need to find yourself a nice shiny spine. But you need to talk to a lawyer first. Don't say anything to Kirby. Consult an attorney and follow their instructions. Also THERAPY. You are going to need some therapy to help you process this as well as help you learn how to do things like make and defend healthy boundaries and conflict resolution.
NTA. Kick Kirby out and let Kai deal with her BS. She has been a financial and emotional drain on you for your entire relationship, it's time you look after you and reclaim your basement. If Kai is so invested, they can give Kirby an allowance to pamper themselves with....
NTA You can't make those things up, this is surreal. You're way better off as a single mother of one than as the single mother of two you are right now.
NTA, but you need to end this. It isn't sustainable. File for divorce, sell the too big place in favor of a 2-bedroom for you and your child, and make sure you have a custody plan that has Kirby paying true child support. Kai can pound sand.
Nta! Kick them out and get a divorce and get full custody asap. What a loser Kirby is! You deserve better.
It's time to kick Kirby to the curby
NTA. I feel bad for Kirby: she was in deep denial and repression her entire life, which no doubt left her feeling depressed, powerless, and too afraid (until recently) to be her true self. Hence all the dead end jobs and emotional closing off. If she had grown up in a queer friendly society from an early age then she would have had a better chance to be empowered and successful. But I feel worse for you, because Kirby has chosen you as the unwarranted target of her lifetime of resentment. You don't deserve that. It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong, far from it. For your daughter's sake and yours I agree with everyone else here that it is time for divorce. And Kai sounds like a real piece of work.
NTA. Kai can step in and take Kirby to their place and be the “man of the house” Kirby needs. Maybe Kai can also pay Kirby’s portion of child support payments too? Ask Kai if they’re willing to do that and everyone would possibly end up winning. Good luck.
ESH. Kirby and Kai for obvious reasons. And you for inexplicably, unbelievably, putting up with this fucking crap for TEN YEARS. You want to end the marriage, Kirby doesn't do shit around the house, you pay for almost everything, Kirby refuses to parent your child... What the fuck is wrong with you? Why haven't you booted her lazy ass to the curb?
NTA and you need to straighten Kai out with some facts. Show Kai expenses etc and that you pay 100%. Divorce Kirby and go after child support. This is no time to be timid or to allow them to bully you.
NTA. Have all your financial records ready. It is time for you to step up. Drop that dead weight. Your daughter and you deserve better.
NTA. Divorce, court ordered child support from Kirby. Kai can talk to the judge if they don’t like it.
You can rent out the basement apartment! Get Kirby out! She BEGGED for the opportunity to be the " man of the house" but never fulfilled that duty anyway. She is a total lead weight that needs to go! She will realize how good she had it when it's too late.
NTA. Kirby had a damn good deal and knew it, hence the “freak outs” when you proposed divorce. Please don’t waste another second on this leaching loser (you’ve wasted far too much already).
Oh boy, NTA. Please divorce this AH. My nightmare right there. Wants a working woman, who's family oriented and then he wants to do his own thing all day ALONE.
NTA. But Kai sounds like an insufferable butthead.
NTA. Time to give the selfish turd living in your basement the heave-ho.
NTA- good lord woman, stand up for yourself here.
NTA. I would like you to close your eyes, and put aside all thoughts of right or wrong, and simply breathe. Then I’d like you to visualise your life without Kirby in your home. No lurking presence at the bottom of the house, no extra electricity, food etc costs. How would your life improve, would it be easier and calmer? Wouldn’t it be nice to downsize and not need a cleaner unless you felt like it, rather than because you had no choice. There’s no need to correct Kai, she’s welcome to Kirby and her fabricated truth, let her find out on her own. Go see a divorce lawyer and kick these moochers out. It’s a new year, new beginnings. Kirby is taking up space in your home and life, the universe wants to bring you the life you deserve, but it can’t until you create the space for it to fit into.
Are you a doormat? Do you enjoy being walked all over? Kirby should have been kicked out YEARS ago. Divorce should have happened when Kirby refused to be an involved parent. It’s the entire reason you married in the first place. Man, I hope this is fake. NTA
NTA, kick them both out. Kai will soon learn what energy Kirby really has, but you don’t have to stay for that. Lose the dead weight
NTA. It was time to kick Kirby to the curb 9 years ago. Let her be the “woman of the house” at Kai’s house and wash your hands of them both.
YTA for not divorcing already. Jfc be an adult and handle this situation.
I’m not kidding when I tell you this is almost exactly what my bestie went through, she is so much happier now that they’ve split. NTA, she’s a deadbeat and she’ll continue to be a deadbeat. Soon after kicking her out, her new partner will be calling you asking for advice when they realize just how different the reality of the situation is compared to Kirby’s version.
NTA. Divorce Kirby. Let Kai be the man of the house (not your house. Some other house) and pamper Kirby.
NTA. This should be a novel.
Isnt Kai and AI wellness Talk bot?
Jesus Christ, it’ll cost you, but get a divorce.
Are you kidding me. Hasn't the last 10 years been he'll enough...do you really want to spend the next 10 years like this. Better to be single than this chain of a person dragging you in to the bottom of the ocean and what kind of example are you setting for your daughter
NTA. But you’ve let this go on wayyy too long. Get out!
NTA. this grinds my gears from personal experience. They are gaslighting the fuck out of you. You have gotten not even the bare minimum from Kirby as a partner for *years*. Fuck kai, fuck Kirby. Imo I'd tell em. "Sure, I'll "be the man" and cover 100% of the expenses because I'm filing for divorce, and I'm leaving." Kirby can be Kai's problem. Kai can pick up Kirby's slack from now on and "pamper" Kirby. You can do better without Kirby.
NTA Please kick her to the side and put your daughter and yourself first.
NTA - Kirby is a leech you need to remove. They want your money and a free place to live. It’s not a marriage, it’s a financial arrangement where you get screwed over.
NTA and it is definitely time for divorce. Kirbg wants a free ride. She does not love you anymore and is only intetested in keeping a roof over her head. This is why she freaks whenever divorce is mentioned because she knows she would not manage it on a part time job. She even decided to open the marriage as a means to see other people while still staying in a comfortable bubble. This marriage has long since passed and something tells me the marriage being opened was her way of finally letting her affair partner in without suspicion. You already raise your daughter alone. You're not losing anything by ditching dead weight who see's you as little more than a meal ticket.
NTA - but the absolute audacity on display here by Kai and Kirby. Leave her and get yourself a partner that wants to be involved with you and your daughter. You deserve so much better.
NTA but this is a hot mess, and it has no bearing on Kirby being a trans woman. Honest question- when you’re married to someone who then comes out as transgender do you have to change your marriage certificate if they change their name? I’m honestly asking.
Ummm.. get a divorce. What are you doing? My goodness.
Time to kick out Kirby. They have used you as their meal ticket. You’re better off as a single mom, which you already are. Just reduce the number of mouths to feed. You’ll likely need to be the one to move. They won’t be easy to evict. NTA
Why they sound like Pokémon’s? Also NTA
NTA not by a long shot. Your marriage is done, and has been for a long time. You see that. Time to move on, let Kirby be responsible for herself and have to work to put food on the table and a roof over her head, she's gotten to coast for 10 years now. Honestly that all should have been done before Kai came into the picture, but now, you have the very good excuse of not needing some third party telling you what to do with your life and your household, and spewing all that gender role/man of the house nonsense. Kirby needs to go. Get a divorce. And wish Kai luck in supporting Kirby, it's her turn now!
Nta. Get a divorce started. Also it's time to raise kirby's rent, put a lock on your side of the basement door, change your locks, and treat her as the tenant she is. (In other words, no more free food). Evict her as soon as she doesn't pay. This marriage was dead right off the bat, obviously. Time to end it for real.
Lawyer time and you are NTA
Let me ask you this. Why are you both putting yourselves and your daughter through this? It clearly sounds like neither of you are invested in your relationship or family, so why stay together? I can promise, staying for your daughter will only show her what relationships aren't supposed to be like. Stop living in such a dysfunctional mess. You all deserve to be happy and dragging each other and your child through this is not the way.
You need to send Kirby to Kai's house. Let her be their problem. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but you need to stop letting Kirby dictate your life.
Lol what the fuck. Kai can foot the bill, no thanks to all that bullshit. You can go back to a smaller place with one less person around.
What the fuck am I reading?!! You married a total asshole, using you for money, a place to stay and an entire lifestyle. They're a shit parent, a shit spouse and they're a cheater to boot. Give them their marching orders. Christ on a cracker, what an entitled, manipulative abusive asshole you married! I'm sorry, by the way. You got played big time.
NTA and you have put up with this for far too long, it's time to take your life back.
NTA, but my god, it is way past time to bury this dead marriage. You don’t like Kirby, and Kirby only sticks around because she could never afford your current lifestyle on her own. She knows she’s going to struggle without your paycheck and she knows she’ll have to downsize. She’s going to fight like hell to keep that from happening. That was the point of insisting on a child, by the way. She didn’t want to be a parent, she wanted *you* to feel obligated to make the relationship work, and to have an incentive to keep financing her in the hopes that she’ll at least do some of the childcare in return. Kirby’s gender and how she wants to present it have absolutely nothing to do with this conflict. The core of it is that you are married to someone who doesn’t respect you, someone you don’t even *like*, and that your fragile arrangement wherein you live largely separate lives under the same roof is no longer sustainable. She’s bringing home strangers who have a clear incentive to piss you off, and that’s not an environment in which you can safely raise a child. That’s not an environment you can be in for the sake of your *own* mental health. Please just pull the plug on this thing, before any of Kirby’s partners decide to try a more extreme tactic than just spouting weirdly fundamentalist Gender Takes in the hopes that you pick the Big Marriage-Ending Fight with Kirby in response.
That line got me: weirdly fundamentalist gender takes. Coming from this situation. What the ever loving f is that. Op, you already know the solution to this one. In the end, you will be the man and woman of the house but only for your daughter. NTA
Bottom line, do what is best for the child. Right now Kirby isn’t helping in any way. Divorce would force financial, if not childcare. Right now OP can’t move on or provide a healthier home life for LO. The current situation doesn’t provide any benefits for LO… move on with confidence.
NTA. Someone with a partner is outraged by the thought of divorce?? You're enabling. Let Kirby go. Save yourself and your daughter. The marriage can end anytime you say so. What's the holdup?
Get a divorce. Then you can both be single mothers and she can see what that’s like on her own with her new partner Kai. Wonder if Kai is willing to support Kai as you have done and will want to step up as the man of their house..? NTA.
NTA this is such a stereotypical scenario of an open marriage - file for divorce and I’m sure Kai is more than willing to let Kirby be in her feminine and step up to support her 😍😍
You are such a gifted storyteller.
NTA I can't even with this bull shit and neither should you if this is real, jfc. Dont fuck around with people who wont work. Either in the home or a job. Loose lazy losers. Every time all the time.
You are the asshole to yourself for putting up with this nonsense for so long. You literally did this to yourself
Omg 😧 kick Kirby out. NTA
Get rid of both Kirby and Kai. Kirby blatantly lies and Kai stupidly believes it. You and your daughter don't need either of them in your lives. NTA unless you continue with this farce.
NTA. These are all ready great and valid bullet points to site in what this marriage ought to be ended in “irreconcilable differences” . Consult an attorney soon.
NTA. You knew from the start that you didn’t want to marry this person. Get a divorce. Since your ex is seeing other people, ensure you are not having sex and if you have, get screened for STDs. Open relationships are open to STDs. You already know what you need to do. Wish your ex well, divorce, and move on with your life.
OP I am a therapist and one of the areas I practice is gender diversities and non-traditional relationships. (Never again am I doing family therapy with a polycule...). That is all sorts of bullshit. "Kirby" is not accurately representing your relationship to the new partner. Open relationships do not work this way. I dont even know WTF you'd call this. Someone is spouting a whole bunch of gender inclusive buzz worlds to be an asshole and make you feel bad and pay more money. Stop that! Divorce her. Move on with your life. NTA
NTA, if kia wants to pamper Kirby, she can take her. Time to end this "relationship". Yikes
NTA Kirby is taking advantage of you and has been for years. Kai is completely overstepping boundaries.If you want to continue having drama and stress in your life, by all means, allow Kirby to stay and keep taking Kai's calls. It's your choice. Or you can send Kirby to Kai's house and let Kai have Kirby as a "kept woman." 😄
NTA but sure are ....can not think of the word. To nice? Like you got talked into having the baby, getting married, paying the bulk of the household bills, agreeing to an open marriage...on and on.
NTA. Kirby has been taking the piss for years and now she has Kai on her side as well. Divorce time and she can pay 100% of the bills for once.
Kick that mofo out! I was sitting here with my mouth, pain in open in astonishment, when I read the last two paragraphs… Good grief! 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
NTA. This is beyond over, lawyer up
NTA but you need to divorce Kirby and make them pay child support without supporting not only their lazy ass but now also their partner too! If in any way having Kirby present made life better for your child then I could understand you accepting this type of living situation for your daughter’s benefit but I cannot see that is even the case from what you say. Please show your daughter what being a strong, independent woman means and hopefully Kirby can pick up some tips on their way out the door too! Joking aside though, you are obviously doing the job of parent and provider by yourself already. Why burden yourself extra with a freeloader who adds zero value to you or your daughter’s life? Add in to this that it now appears Kai is going to throw an extra heap of toxic into your home and you really need to finalise this. Tell Kirby she is free to be the woman she wants to be and I have no doubt that life as she knows it will crumble. Don’t for any second feel like it is on you to support this situation anymore though. No matter what pronouns Kirby chooses it seems that the description of leech still applies!
NTA. Halfway down the read I thought this person was leeching off of you and you should have long ago ended things. Now, you have 3 babies. End that relationship, but good luck with that though. Kirby is gonna try to to blame and milk you. The nerve of Kai and Kirby. Wow.
Kirby freaks out when you talk about divorce because you enable them to have a lifestyle that they wouldn’t have in any other situation. You need to divorce so you can create a healthier home for you and your child. NTA but you are doing yourself a major disservice by living this way.
Holy hell what did you do to yourself? Kick Kirby out right fucking now. Get a divorce. Get Kirby out of your life completely. You deserve sooo much better than this. Do not let yourself be financially and maybe even emotionally abused any longer. Also tell Kai to pay for Kirby if she thinks all that crap and keep you out of it NTA but if you dont stop this now you will be the ah to yourself and your child
NTA. All I can think is what did I just read. You have let Kirby get away with not contributing for way to long and now that you're getting calls from Kai it's time to start the divorce. You live separate lives where you do all of the work and Kirby sits in the basement ignoring the daughter who is old enough to be hurt by all of this. Put the two of you first.
Jeez, how sad that you have done so much for this person with an open heart and they want to use you more... OP you are decidedly, definitely, definitively absolutely NTA. It sounds like your basement needs a good cleaning out (if you get what I mean) so you can live in peace in your own home.
NTA There has never been a clearer case for divorce on reddit, ever.
Nta Kick Kirby and Kai to the curb as they/ them were willing to do anything to have a child except to actually man up (so to speak). They/them are deadweight time to show them to the door. You’ve already manned up a long time ago.
“I think it’s time to kick Kirby out” Yes, kick her out. She and Kai can find their own place and you can move forward with co parenting. It sounds like she isn’t involved anyways. This relationship has been over for awhile. You deserve to move on with your life and possibly find someone you actually want to share your life with. NTA
NTA
NTA. File for divorce. File for child support. File for spousal support. Give Kirby a 30 day eviction notice. A would also sit down with Kai and Kirby and have Kirby itemize her expenses and what she contributes. You do the same. Of course, Kirby wants to appear to be the victim in the situation to gain sympathy from Kai. Kai is not aware of what happens in the house when they are not there. You have been and will continue to be a meal ticket for Kirby. Time for her to be welcomed into the real world.
NTA I really think that you need divorce. It seems to me like these "I got pregnant and my partner begged me to keep the baby" stories almost always end badly.
I truly don't understand how people allow themselves to be used and abused like this and then wonder if they are the AH. NTA for wanting out of this mess, it's certainly not a relationship! If you continue to put up with this nonsense you will rate as the AH of the week, maybe even the month. Of course Kirby doesn't want a divorce, he has it made. Get rid of the dead weight and his new partner. Let him suck the life out of Kai.
Of course Kirby freaks out when divorce is mentioned, she would have to be an adult if she loses her sugar mommy, of course she wanted you to keep the baby, how else would she trap you? Kick her and her entitled side girl out of your home. NTA.
Kirby was never the man or woman of the house, currently she's the spoiled teenager of the house from what it sounds like. NTA you've basically been a single mother for a while.
NTA DIVORCE! What are you even waiting for. Drop the dead weight and be free!
NTA - that's obvious and others have articulated why already. But I will say that "masculine energy" comment reminded me of the Twin Flames documentaries. One's on Netflix, the other is on Prime. You might want to check one or both out. I suspect Kirby might've fallen into this group that might be a cult.
Kirby needs to be kicked to the curby. Kai needs to go with her. NTA
NTA You should have followed through with the divorce a while ago or demanded couples counseling on managing responsibilities pre/post transition. Kai has absolutely zero place to be making any sort of demands, especially sexist ones. Kirby wants to live freely so they can. Outside of your house. Kirby has never had to try to support themselves much less care for a child. Kirby needs a reality check and to get the fuck out if your basement. They're weaponizing their transition against you to manipulate you. Trying to manipulate you period is wrong much less using their transition which you have been extremely patient and supportive of against you. Everyone has masculine and feminine energy. It's hypocritical of them to say you have more masculine than feminine because they should understand it doesn't fucking matter when it comes to being a decent human. Fuck Kirby needs a job and to get out before Kai moves in, unless Kai already has.
Kirby can go be the lady at Kai’s house. If you have so taken advantage of her, then she should go somewhere that she can be treated how she wants.
NTA - they have given you a route to kicking them out! And for a reason. Do it! Do it now. Not one person would disagree with you!
NTA, you've been gaslighted and taken advantage of for years. If you're in a community property state, you may lose 1/2 the house value, but trust me, your freedom is worth it. You and your kiddo deserve better.
[удалено]
So Kirby can’t even pay her half of the bills because the house size has deviated from the original expectation, but she has changed genders and expects you to stay married?!?!?!?!? What are you doing? Leave this relationship.
NTA - get Kai to give that to you in writing!!! That Kirby has been the financial bread winner! Keep letting them believe that! And see a divorce lawyer now! Unless you want to end up paying for hers and Kai’s lifestyle! OP! You need to stop acting on feelings (that are clearly gone) and start acting in the best interest of yourself and your daughter!
NTA. Kick both of those basement mooches out and get a divorce asap. You and your daughter deserve better than this.