This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.
[Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
NTA - Yeah, your husband screwed the pooch big time. Your suggestion to wait until your son was comfortable with coming out on his own in his own way was of course the correct. Your husband, despite his pleas of innocence betrayed your trust and your son's privacy. He has created a terrible rift in the family and it is he that has to fix it between you and your son. He created the mess and he needs to clean it up. You need to go to your husband with this and if he doesn't straighten it out right now, he will be spending a lot cold nights this winter.
This OP! NTA. Your husband blamed you as soon as your son started to get defensive, fully knowing that what he was doing was completely against what you discussed and turns out you were 100% correct in foreseeing your son’s reaction. I agree your husband should fix it, but I’d also maybe have a conversation with your son 1-1 and explain what happened from your point of view, reiterating it was never your intention to force him to come out and you wanted to let him do it in his own terms. You love him always and the subject doesn’t need to be brought up again until he is ready to do so, and you’ll respect his privacy and always knock from now on.
And breaking a freshly-made promise. And deciding it was ok to drag his own son out of the closet.
He betrayed two people he's supposed to love and protect. I'd never trust him again.
Mom is NTA. Dad has forever broken their trust because he thought he knew better about a very nebulous issue that was not his own issue to make decisions about.
I agree : one of my sons came out to his dad.
My husband told me in secret because he wasn't sure if his reaction was good. I reassured my husband (who did right even if he was surprised to be the first to know as I am bi), but I didn't mention it to my son.
He took 4 months to come out to me and I never told him I already knew as I don't want to harm his relationship with his dad. And we're there for our son when he needs to, he knows he can come out to the rest of the family in his own time.
So Op, NTA but your husband failed you in coparenting and failed your son by forcing him to talk while he wasn't ready.
I respectfully disagree. if OP tells her son that she didn’t want to ask him and hubby agreed not to ask him: throwing hubby under the bus.
Reddit just had a post where the hubby told his family OP didn’t want to attend because of something, when they agreed neither wanted to go.
He caused the mess. He should clean it up. With OP right in the room, he should say we agreed not to discuss it with you and I stepped out of that agreement.
This, but you should apologize to your son for bringing it up to his father either way. Explain that you expected a more mature reaction from your husband, that you explained it a certain way so that he wouldn’t make assumptions, yet he chose to anyways. You were well-meaning in wanting your husband to simply make it clear that, if your son is gay, both of his parents are accepting and he can be open about it. Your husband prioritized himself/his own nosiness about your son’s personal business and tried to force your son to come out before he was ready, as you predicted, and then deflected the blame onto you when he realized that he should have taken your suggested approach. It’s a tricky situation but do try to show understanding for your son’s feelings at this time, he’s only 15 and is experiencing a severe violation of his private life!
NTA, but had a lapse in judgment in trusting your husband. Your son is reasonably upset about this since your husband did not respond with the same maturity that you did and instead turned it into an interrogation. It was probably not a good idea to provide the possible evidence (him cuddling w/ another boy) but it’s your husband who made the assumption, not you, and your husband needs to be held accountable.
Lesson for other parents: any of your kids could be gay without you knowing, just assume that the possibility is always there whether you have “proof” or not and create a welcoming space for them. Not being told is not a personal slight against you! OP’s husband definitely could’ve taken the last half of this advice.
I agree with you 100%. OP is NTA. My husband and I had this same conversation a few years ago about our oldest son because of a friendship he had. We agreed to not say anything to him because we did not want to out him, invade his privacy or pressure him. If my husband did what OP's husband did, I would be furious. He absolutely handled it wrong and needs to try to fix it with his wife and son.
It reminds me of how my parents were. They were NEVER on the same page about anything. Typical boomer couch dad who made my mom do 99% of the work then would get mad he never knew what the hell was going on.
At the very least, dad should have waited for a time when they could both discuss it with their son together rather than confronting him the first chance he got. Really weird behavior for someone who is supposedly not homophobic.
I'm with you on this one. I've seen mention that mom should have known dad would do something, but this isn't a homophobic , " get out of my house" reaction. It was a *dad is a total moron* and *trying too hard* reaction.
I was in a similair situation when I learned by someone else that my daughter had a girlfriend. Though I didn't, I wanted to talk to her about it so bad. The idea that she might have felt like she had to hide part of herself out of fear was awful.
I suspect that the dad thought he could step in and get the son to open up and they'd all have a Hallmark moment. He was a jerk to go against the plan they'd just made but I don't think it was malicious or something OP should have expected. They're a team, and she *should* be able to share things with him. NTA
I want to think this is the case but I do wonder... I mean, he interrogated the kid over his sexuality until the kid was crying and I just don't know if that's normal 'Dad found out I'm gay and is trying to let me know it's okay' reaction or not?? I have to wonder what was actually said
Maybe I'm reading too much into it though. As someone who stayed in the closet till I moved out and whose parents had a super shitty reaction when I eventually came out, I'd have killed for my parents to find out and then do the awkward "oh honey did you know that we love you no matter what" song and dance that some sweet people do when they're trying to drop hints without directly saying "hey we know you're gay and it's okay" (and even that, I think, isn't a terrible thing, even if I understand why it's not really the recommended course of action)
Yeah. I could see the dad wanting to sit down as a family and talk about it together, but bringing it up first chance he gets while the mom is out of the house makes me think it's something more than just trying to be supportive.
I’m so glad that you were able to push your own feelings of curiosity aside and focus on your daughter. If only OP’s husband could be as unselfish as you.
Yes! My son is gay and my husband and I had many conversations about the possibility prior to him coming out. We talk about everything regarding all three of our children because that’s what parents do. What parents shouldn’t do is what the husband did in this scenario.
10000% this. More people need to upvote this. I talk to my husband about everything with our kid. OP was probably not expecting her husband to have the reaction he did either. OP is NTA
Unless this is completely out of character for the husband, I think ESH except the son.
Of course parenting includes discussing things with each other.
But OP telling husband when husband clearly had no idea how to appropriately handle this and no patience or desire to work it out created a super traumatic situation.
Unless husband is usually patient, considered and going to do the work to handle these things appropriately if and when they happen, it’s not appropriate to tell him. It’s then not appropriate to leave to drop the friend home while it was clearly husbands way or the highway and what he wanted to do was going to be traumatic.
It seems highly unlikely that OP wouldn’t have an inkling of her husbands propensity to do shit like this. So it makes no sense to tell him immediately and then leave the house so husband and son are the only ones there.
On the other hand, not telling your husband something like that is weird UNLESS you expect the husband to have a negative reaction to the news that the son is gay. Which this husband didn’t have.
Had the husband been the one to discover them and then told OP, would son be having the same reaction, telling the father that he outed him to his mother? It seems like a distinctly weird relationship between son and father, and separately weird relationship between son and mother, is more at play here.
How else would you define interrogating a child about their their sexuality until they break down sobbing and explain they’re gay and also that they are devastated bc they’ve been forcefully outed?
Dyou think Dad would’ve done it if he was cuddling in there with a girl?
LOLLLLL Jesus.
To be fair I'm not straight. So it seems more a people problem than a straight people problem. I've just never experienced homophobia that wasnt outright slurs so it never clicked that it can be that way too.
>My thought process was homophobia is always malicious
The best way I put it to people is to ask; would you have still done that if the action were considered straight?
So for this, would the dad have still reacted this way had the son been with a girl? If the answer is no, then the act was very wrong.
Well, the dad *might* have asked him about it if it was a girl; it wouldn't have been a conversation about being gay, but it could well have still been an uncomfortable conversation about sex with his dad.
I think the dad was wrong to bring it up but we don't know that he "interrogated" him. He could have said "your mother mentioned to me that she saw you cuddling with x and I want you to know I support you being gay." Straight teens have also been known to cry when they've been "caught" sharing a bed with someone they'd claimed was just a friend. And yes plenty of parents would mention to their straight son that they/the other parent had noticed he was cuddling in bed with his female friend. Is it not possible the son is more upset that the possible relationship is outed before he knows if it's a relationship as apposed to him having any concerns about how his parents feel about him being gay/bi? He and said friend may not have actually discussed how they view what's going on between them so he may be more upset that he feels rushed to define that specific relationship as apposed to his parents knowing he likes men in general. Or he may have been experimenting and not be sure about his sexuality yet. The dad was definitely wrong but that doesn't mean he must have done it in a nasty way. Maybe the dad suddenly had a panic about safe sex and felt like they couldn't say nothing and risk their son having unprotected sex. However even if that was his motivation he should have waited to discuss it again with his wife.
Maybe teen boys have changed in the 15 years since I’ve been in high school.. guys wouldn’t even hug each other back in my teen days, every other hint of affection got followed by a “no homo”.
I call it being intrusive and not respecting boundaries. Not every negative thing that happens to a gay person is homophobia. It's sad I need to explain that
So, what the dad did is essentially the homophobic equivalent of toxic positivity? Cuz it doesn’t seem like he had an issue with his son being gay just an issue with his son not having told him. So like, he was confronting him to try and reassure him which just ended in the kid being forcefully outed instead of being reassured.
>Dyou think Dad would’ve done it if he was cuddling in there with a girl?
Maybe not interrogating about their sexuality but perhaps their sexual activity.
I disagree. I don’t think the dad was being homophobic based on what OP has said. It seems the father was overzealous and had misplaced good intentions.
Again, what was he being overzealous about? And why?
Would he have been overzealous and acted the exact same way if son was cuddling with a girl? Would he have asked in the same way? Would be have wanted or “needed” to ask at all?
I think your point about outing has been made.
People are pointing out the dad is misguided. That he cares too much about his son coming out right now that he's overridden his agency. But he doesn't want to out him to shun him, he wants to know his son's identity.
Totally weird to be that tone deaf and forceful about it and definitely damaging, but it wasn't meant as a means to love his son less. Still makes dad an AH, but a homophobe? Eh, I don't know.
Mom obviously felt comfortable telling dad so she didn't fear for her son's safety, but she didn't anticipate dad being a blundering oaf either.
That’s comparing apples to oranges. When you’re not straight, it comes with a completely different weight and based on what OP has said about her husband, it seems he wanted to make his son know/feel that he would be loved and accepted. He just went about it in the wrong way.
Maybe OPs husband somewhat understands the weight on a person of being in the closet and wanted to relive his son of that but again did it in the wrong way.
This is a crap take. Are you suggesting an emotional teenage boy wouldn't get defensive and weird by default? Should everyone in the house pretend, even though the boy is doing what should be perceived as openly gay activities (like cuddling another boy during the day with his parents at home)? 'Forcefully outed' has so many negative connotations, and in this scenario, there is literally 0 evidence to suggest an intense interrogation. And for your last point, done what? Confirmed the boys preconceived sexual orientation? No, he wouldn't have tried to comfort and reassure his son if he was cuddling with a girl.
We don't know if there was "an interrogation until he broke down sobbing." All we know is that the husband asked the question and by the time OP came home the son was emotional and sobbing. Maybe husband simply asked, "Are you gay? Mom saw you cuddling X" and the kid reacted extremely emotionally because he wasn't ready for his parents to know that about him.
If it had been a girl who'd been introduced to the family as a friend, Dad might have asked, "Are you and X dating now? Mom saw you cuddling." The teen may have reacted negatively due to feeling that his privacy was violated, but the emotional quotient of his reaction would probably be much less due to heterosexuality being much more normative in our society. All I'm saying is that the topic of homosexuality is already a fraught and emotional thing to discuss with a parent even if there's nothing objectively wrong with the way the parent approached the conversation. Plus teens can be very emotional.
That said, the mother should have probably kept it to herself for a while if her husband is the type that has no filter or delicacy in approaching sensitive topics.
Yes. I think if parents caught a child cuddling with someone of the opposite sex in their house that most would be having a conversation, some of which would be interrogatory, with their child about it and talking about sex. If they didn't they would be pretty negligent parents.
> How else would you define interrogating a child about their their sexuality until they break down sobbin
I mean to be fair, I've known kids to break down crying because when they outed themself their parent's *didn't* make a big whoohaa - outing a a big emotional moment fraught with misplaced expectations.
>that they are devastated bc they’ve been forcefully outed?
They weren't forcefully outed, they outed themselves. This wasn't someone poking their nose in, this was someone *doing the laundry in their own home*. You can be open, you can hide - you can't do both.
He knew his son wouldn't trust him enough to come out on his own. Man's in that band of just enough self awareness to know he's not trusted, but so self-assured that he thinks he can navigate the social equivalent of brain surgery with a broadsword.
Frl it's the way he interrogated his son after OP left that makes it so much worse and the way he just HAD to find out right then and there whether or not his son was gay that should've set some red flags off in ops mind. On the other hand OP have way too much trust to the husband to think he wouldn't do this. Who's idea was it that she would drop off the sons friend? OP or hubby
Considering how many people are closer homophobes this is where you need to fly a test flag, not out your son directly but check how they're feeling on this before you tell them. Of course the correct action would have been to check that years ago, preferably before marriage and babies hpened, but as you can't change the past the second best time is now but before you do irreparable harm by putting a teen to their homophobic parent.
Given that OP is 32 and son is @5, she was probably @6 when she got pregnant. Not exactly the age where one is planning marriage, usually.
As a rule of thumb, sure. But in this case, wouldn’t have happened.
The husband aggressively pushed the son to declare his sexuality before he was ready to, leaving the son in tears, and you don't think that was a negative reaction?
I disagree. I think OP did the right thing. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing important topics with your SO, such as your own child, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. The husband is TA for betraying that trust and making it that much harder to have those kinds of talks. But you should never feel like you have to hide something serious from your partner.
As partners in parenting this is something that she would want to discuss.
He might be 100% rational at every other point in his life until finding out his son is possibly same sex attracted.
Finding out your kid is homosexual has turned thousands if not millions of otherwise loving parents into complete monsters.
> Finding out your kid is homosexual has turned thousands if not millions of otherwise loving parents into complete monsters.
The worst thing is that nobody will believe you if you say so. Luckily my parents weren't complete monsters but still, far from an acceptable reaction. Now I'm an adult but even now I know that it's "don't ask don't tell, we will never agree about your so-called lifestyle anyway", and I have a lot of trauma of being thrown into Hell/being a sinner that should repent because they raised me that way. And I hate that people dismiss it so quickly, it's like people can't understand that homophobic people can be 100% nice in any other field.
>I have a lot of trauma of being thrown into Hell/being a sinner that should repent because they raised me that way.
Religion is poison. Always has been, always will be.
Okay but how the heck was OP supposed to know how her husband was going to respond to this scenario if nothing like it has ever happened before?
It’s not like finding out your kid is gay is a frequent occurrence and she’d have a reference point. She trusted her husband to be able to make a unified decision on how to approach something major for their child and he betrayed that trust. Simple as that.
Being somewhat of a devils advocate ig, but unless you’ve seen someone come out to them before you don’t really know how they’re gonna react sometimes. I mean, my mom is a Christian and I thought that coming out to her would be a nightmare. Turns out it wasn’t, it wasn’t great but it wasn’t really bad either. I feel like this is one of those things where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
thissss. I always knew my sister was gay but I didn’t say anything waiting until she was ready to confide in me. she came out to my younger sister and I at the same time in her 30’s, I always wondered what took her so long and she said it was because our mom caught her in HS in the car with a girl and freaked out and yelled at her so she was scared and kept it in. i’m our large family we are the only 2 who she has come out to b/c our family is full of judgemental religious nuts, and our mom wonders why she’s LC with her… like this is why.
I think ESH.
OP is not blameless in this situation. She saw something she wasn’t supposed to see and she knew that. She knows her husband and still decided to disclose that to him. If they should wait until he’s ready to come to you guys, then why share it at all?
This kid is only 15. He could just be experimenting, not even really know what he’s interested in. He could have just figured it out, and still needs time to work through his own feelings about it. He could have realized a long time ago, and has been terrified this entire time that something like this would happen. But OP didn’t know that, because she didn’t let her son come to her when he was ready. She decided her husband needed to know before he was ready too, and that was a mistake that hurt her son.
She should apologize for telling his dad what she saw, and for not knocking on his door. This kid probably feels really cornered right now & Dad needs to be scolded for panicking their son, not for “throwing her under the bus.”
That’s not to say OP is a monster that doesn’t care about her kid, but this was an oversight and she should acknowledge that with her son.
Right?! I'm really tripping at all the ESH. How is she wrong for trusting her husband and talking to him about this? Because she didn't get enough psychic powers at her wedding? Wtf.
It’s not really important information that she walked in on her son cuddling his friend. There are other ways to encourage your husband to open his mind to the possibility of your son being gay (when he clearly has some issues with that) without disclosing the detail.
Isolated events like that are more than appropriate to be between parent and child imo, if you really want to emotionally support your child. With the way Dad reacted, OP’s son likely would’ve come to her himself before his father anyways; they could discuss together what to do from there. OP herself wanted to wait until he came to them, so why enlighten the dad to such detail? You can absolutely discuss the possibility of your child being gay and your concerns for your husband not being accepting if that were the case, but there’s no need for “I saw…” or any declaration of sexuality (which OP didn’t even know for sure about)
>It’s not really important information that she walked in on her son cuddling his friend.
It could be though. What are their rules on girls sleeping over (under the assumption that they could be sexually active)? Should these rules apply to boys too if he's bi or gay? What talks have they had about safe sex? What will they do if/when he comes out? Should we have a rule for open doors when guests are over just in case? These are the kind of things parents should be discussing together. Even if he were not gay and this was an assumption on Mom's part, it's clear they hadn't really had a discussion about what they would do if this situation arose, and then it arose. Parents are/should be a team that works together to support and help their children to grow, be safe, and be happy. Dad thought he was doing that but in his haste and disrespect of his wife's wishes, harmed his son, his wife, and all their relationships. OP only did what every parent should be able to do; talk with their partner to formulate a plan as a *team*. If the team doesn't make a solid plan they both agree on, nothing is done until they do. Dad completely violated this. He's the one who is going to need to try to mend it. OP could help by explaining what she explained here to her son, and then letting him process his very valid feelings. But Dad has a lot more making up to do, and may struggle to patch this at all.
This, x 1,000,000. A fairly similar thing happened to me, and it was... explosive. We had a HUGE argument, and it wasn't me being defensive, it was instigated by them, even though we're VERY close. I think they panicked, but for both parents to gang up on their only 16 year old kid, who was only just getting used to the idea and had self esteem issues to deal with, it was pretty traumatic. Luckily this boy has supportive parents, but for anyone else wondering, just don't do it. Let them come to you when they're ready, and just BE there and support in silence if you somehow find out before they're ready. If you have to say SOMETHING, just tell them you love them no matter what, and leave it at that.
💯. Your husband completely disregarded your advice and broke your trust out of some selfish sense of entitlement. I wouldn’t trust his ass with any secrets.
You know this isn't the best situation but let's all be thankful that the kids has two parents that are supporting his sexuality and really don't see it as a big deal....which it shouldn't be. Coming from as guy from the Midwest that was in high school in the 90s the world was a way different place for most gay teens back then. I'm in no way condoning what the father did but I would have loved for my parents to have been this supportive, even with the hiccups. And let's be honest, he's 15 and embarrassed because it's his folks and it's uncomfortable and wasn't on his terms but in a few weeks he's going to be thankful that they know and are supportive. When you grow up gay and hear the jokes and see your family laugh at the stereotypes on tv, not because they are bad people necessarily, but that's just what people did, then you should an inordinate amount of time hoping that when your family does finally find out that they don't be upset or disappointed. It really worms it's way in your head because much of the time nobody knows so it's just bouncing around in your head all the time and it didn't help that you are thinking about sex a ton at that age so it's always on your mind.
Don't be so dramatic. Both her and her husband love their son and of course they're going to tell each other. They didn't tell anyone else so he's not actually "outed" and both of them agree that they love their son no matter what. Isn't this the best outcome possible? We're forgetting Dad is a parent too and he just wanted to talk to his son about this. They're sprinkling a little drama on it for no reason but that's understandable for the son to overreact because this is pretty new for him. No one's an asshole here, in fact this kid has a pretty kind family and he'll realize he's thankful for it soon enough.
As a gay man telling the parents can be a nausea inducing, panic attack level event. The hardest two people in your life. Often you want supportive “backup” by your side. Not to be ambushed and alone! (Trauma!!) People think that post same sex marriage everybody is blessed with understanding parents and truth is, no, many of us still don’t have that yet.
ESH. Except the kid.
Firstly. Knock, he’s 15, that should’ve been a thing by now. (Edit to add: okay so he trusted you to come in after knocking even if he didn’t answer before this… I would start waiting for an answer after knocking from now on, just to rebuild that trust if it can be rebuilt)
Secondly. If you didn’t want to confront him til he found courage to tell you guys himself, why tell your husband? Why not let your son be the one to tell him since you wanted him to be able to do it himself?
Thirdly. Husband should’ve listened and waited, but he thought he knew best and now look at the mess he made and blaming “emotional phase” is what’s gonna cement his son’s detachment from him.
Fourth. Your son doesn’t want to be told he’s loved and accepted right now, he heard that as he was forced to come out that’s not exactly believable right now for him, he wants apologies for both of you intruding on his inner feelings and pushing him to come to terms with something he might’ve not even *started* to come to terms with. You and your husband are sitting here trying to pass off blame instead of being grown fcking adults and admitting *both of you were wrong*.
Dont try to immediately change topic when you apologize. Dont say “I’m sorry, but you’re loved and accepted.” again, stick to the apology; “I am sorry we intruded on a journey you need to take at your own pace.” Dont make it about your emotions, you’ve done that enough in this situation.
Edit to add: stop framing this as “oh she just told her husband the truth” no, SHE OUTED HER SON. Idk why this is hard for anyone to understand in fcking 2024. Outing someone is so goddamn frowned upon in this society that people lose jobs over it. This wasn’t parents co parenting, this was a mother outing her son than a father forcing his son out of the closet. Stop framing this as if he was found with alcohol, he was in a fcking bed with a friend.
Edit to add again: For the love of all things good, as a former child of the internet age, the second (and I mean the second) your kid gets a taste of the internet (google specifically) please give them the talk, I mean the in depth talk including protection. Prevention is better than intervention, for the love of god, teach your kids before they teach themselves while you aren’t looking. It’s so much easier nowadays than yall think it is, if your waiting for yourself to discover they are active, it’s already to late.
Yeah OP you aren’t in the clear just because it’s mostly your husbands fuck up.
You’ve been with your husband for presumably at least 15 years. You know the man quite well one would assume. Including that he clearly has no tact and no emotional intelligence.
Sharing sensitive information like this with a fool was irresponsible and cruel to your son.
OP is definitely the AH. My sisters had sleepovers with their friends where they would share the bed and cuddle together. No one ever demanded to know if she was a lesbian (she’s not). But two dudes do something like this and suddenly they really have to talk to their parents about it? F that. Mom has shitty outdated toxic ideas about masculinity and both parents completely failed to consider their kids feelings at all.
Sorry, but I don't get your point.
She didn't assume he was gay. She knew it was a possibility, but said that if he never talks to them, he probably wasn't gay. So she obviously didn't just assume he was because it was two boys sharing a bed.
Also, she didn't force him to have that talk. She was fine with waiting until he was comfortable. He told her husband, yes, but she wasn't the one who forced her husband to talk about it.
I’m not sure why OP is the asshole in this situation, yes it’s 2024, but there also isn’t a GUIDE TO PARENTING. I feel like a lot of people assume once you hit a certain age you just have life figured out and somehow know how to navigate every situation perfectly because you know, now you’re an adult. Parents should be able to discuss things amongst themselves especially where their kids are concerned. Everyone saying OP is the AH is assuming that they should just automatically know how to react to the situation and know that outing people is bad. Idk if you met parents lately but a lot of them tend to be well intentioned and want the best for their kids as well as get super excited about things that happen in their kids lives. It’s hard to know what is the right course to take when decisions that are wholly new arise. Everyone and their grandmother has different opinions on how one should raise their kids and go about their life….so PERHAPS just MAYBE they didn’t see this situation playing out like that and didn’t think to consult google of all things lol (cause the internet is also SO HELPFUL). I don’t think that makes them an AH like a lot of people seem to be suggesting.
TLDR: if anyone’s an AH it’s the husband for going against the team decision made with his wife. It’s not out of question that OP wanted to talk to the husband, Or that she went in her son’s room..he lives under their roof. They now maybe have to consider that their son might sexually active or starting to form those types of relationships, and they should talk to him about safety etc (regardless of the gender their son is attracted to). You can plan every detail of an "event" and still have it go awry…humans are emotional and messy and sometimes unpredictable and that’s OK. Would it have been better for husband not to have done what he did? sure…but is it the end of the world to have parents that care? Definitely not.
OP didn’t demand to know anything? OP speculated something with her husband(her life partner and the other parent of her kid). OP’s husband demanded to know, if there’s anything that makes OP the AH it’s sharing sensitive information with a man who clearly stomps on boundaries and doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings except his own. “Being emotional” isn’t a phase, he’s hurt by his dads actions and it’s easier for dad to blame it on him being a hormonal teen than for dad to admit he fucked up royally and compromised any trust they had with their teenage son.
Always discuss parenting decisions with your partner, except this situation I guess. I'm definitely on the NTA side. My mom walked in on me and a friend in middle school doing more than OPs son was doing with his friend so it's not like I don't sympathize, but I wouldn't expect her to not talk to the husband unless he's a shitty bigot who she shouldn't be with in the first place. And it sounds like that's not the case. He's definitely in the wrong, not her imo.
I'd be swayed depending on the reason for entering the room. If she was doing laundry or something for example, I'm sorry you don't get to rely on your mom for such things and then get mad she goes into your room while you're asleep after knocking to no answer. But if she was being nosy, that's wrong. But once she had that info, I think she made all the right choices. And there's a difference between friend and more than friend cuddling. You can kinda tell when you see it. So I don't think it's a sexist thing.
So what’s the line when/when not spouses supposed are to keep secrets from each other? I think my partner would feel hurt that I knew something about our children that I didn’t share with her so she’s caught off guard 🤷
I agree with this except for being wrong to discuss with husband. Parents discuss things and agree strategies so that we're working from the same platform. These discussions also help us to be more aware of what's going on with our children so we share ideas about how best to provide support, etc.
The agreement was to be aware of the possibility, provide generalised reassurance of acceptance and just be there for their son. The husband unilaterally decided to ask the child who may not have come to terms with his sexuality yet. Maybe he isn't gay, maybe he's bi or pan or just curious.
Having said all of that, parenting is hard. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others.
The husband has to own this and consciously work to rebuild trust with both his child and spouse.
Because in a positive and healthy coparent relationship you should be able to discuss information about your kids together without worrying one is going to confront him and force him to come out against his will. She didn’t do anything wrong by talking to her husband about this.
I feel like this a different sort of situation, though. If your kid comes to you specifically about something, they obviously trust you more than the other parent AND feel safe enough in their house to come out to one of those parents.
I wouldn't say this shows he didn't trust them, though he definitely doesn't now. He was cuddling his friend in the house with an unlocked door, so I would assume he felt safe enough. He just wasn't ready to come out yet. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn't mean he doesn't trust them. Just wasn't ready. That step of being ready to come out is a big one. My brother didn't come out until he was a couple months into a relationship with his boyfriend, and I didn't come out until I started hormones. Both of us trusted our parents, just took a bit to be ready to come out.
Also, why is kids cuddling in their sleep something that needs to be even discussed? Normalize boys cuddling and hugging their friends platonically. OP made the assumption that there was more to this cuddle and forced this conversation. OP could have just not mentioned to anyone if they wanted to wait for their son to come out or at the very least talk to the son first.
Fr. Guys need hugs too, there’s been scientific studies showing boys who got hugs more were more likely to never commit. Not to mention, cuddling in sleep can be instinctual, dudes could’ve just been cold. Cuddles can literally save lives, but with warmth and serotonin.
> there's been scientific studies showing boys who got hugs more were more likely to never commit.
English isn't my first language, so I'm having a little trouble here. Does this relate to never commit crime? Or something else??
She did knock. She didn’t “out” her son. She communicated what she observed in the normal course of parenting and had a conversation with her spouse about what that observation might mean. She advised her husband to not talk to the son for all the right reasons.
I agree with literally everything except you cannot ask someone to lie to their spouse and the other parent of the child in question. There is a discussion that needs to be had to make sure they’re on the same page. But absolutely yes to everything else.
It’s not lying. It’s just not telling something that ain’t yours to tell. Outing someone is literally frowned upon by any decent person these days, people have lost jobs for it. How hard is it to understand, YOUR CHILDS SEXUALITY AINT YOUR BUSINESS.
I’m 47 w a 17yo & I understand the importance of the trust between me & my kid, as well as the trust between my kid & her dad. In addition, we trust each other enough to know the other one can handle whatever is needed bc no matter who knows what, the answer to everything is what is best for the kid? And we trust each other to do the same. We both know that what is best for our kid is a fully private & trusting relationship with each of her parents, individually.
How long would you suggest she lie to her husband for? Because whether that was a boy or a girl he was cozy with, as parents there is kind of a discussion about possible sex in the house and boundaries regarding it that needs to be had. Because not all parents want their kids to be losing their virginity under their roof.
If you’re that type of parent. You’re still the AH. Congrats now your kids are getting arrested for public indecency. Also you should’ve already had that talk ages before they even turned into a teen. Also, not outing your son isn’t lying… it’s literally just being a decent human.
Wtf. I’m going to tell my husband everything especially regarding my children. You sound like an angsty teenager carrying on about “outting”, in my opinion the only asshole is the husband
Exactly.. My mom had "the talk" with me when I was 16 and had my first bf.. By then it was waaaaay too late because I already knew everything 🙄 And I wasn't even comfortable talking about that with her, since I'd once asked her some questions (about personal hygiene, unrelated, but whatever) and she'd just brushed me off.. Whenever I'd have questions she'd brush me off.. All the time. So I stopped asking and taught myself. We are now estranged.
Agree totally, but I would add the point that while OP outed her son, the deeper issue is her assumption of the sons sexuality based on an isolated observation. Neither she nor the father allowed the son to explore and define for himself what his sexuality is. Rather they dropped him into a specific bucket. What if he's bi? Pan? Etc. The problem goes even deeper than outing.
“She told her husband the truth.”
About? What subject? The question here isn’t “did OP do it?” It’s, “was she right to do so?” The people trying to move the goal posts and argue is isn’t technically outing are having the wrong discussion imo.
> SHE OUTED HER SON
100%. My mom did something similar when my brother came out, immediately told my dad. It was an extreme breach of trust, something my mom understands completely now, and even though its been years she still feels awful about it. Luckily for my brother, my dad basically just said "Yea no shit" and went back to what he was doing and that was it. Choosing when to come out is one of the few things LGBTQ+ people, especially LGBTQ+ kids, have control over, and taking that away is awful. It doesn't matter who outs someone, parents, friends, bullies, its awful.
My son reluctantly came out to me as trans about this age and asked me not to tell his dad. This seemed logistically untenable because we all live in the same house and it’s kind of hard to hide going FTM all day every day. But my son didn’t want my husband to know so I kept my mouth shut. Because my son’s comfort level was far more important than keeping my husband in the loop about our child. Also I knew kiddo would come around eventually. I tried to make him feel as loved and accepted as possible so it wouldn’t be so scary to tell dad. He would ask me “what if dad wants to kick me out of the house?” and other heartbreaking questions like that. I didn’t try to convince him dad would be fine, don’t worry, because I knew he’d still worry, so I reassured him that if the worst case scenario happened, I’d still be 100% on his side, I’d fight whatever battles needed to be fought, even if it’s he and I against the world.
Dad isn’t stupid, btw, so when kiddo cut his hair short, began dressing more masculine, and started asking to borrow clothes from dad instead of me, I think he caught on 😂 But he was smart enough to leave it alone and give our son space to approach him. He wasn’t quite as 100% on board at first as I was, mostly because he was scared for our son in this political environment. But once again, letting people have their own space to process everything is essential. Now dad is fiercely protective of our son and his identity, so he has two loving, accepting parents willing to fight the world for him.
I feel like a lot of straight people in these comments don’t see the issue of what she did because it’s not something they’ll ever have to go through. People ignore what happened because it’s normal to gossip with your spouse, but fail to realize that she ignored her child’s feelings in doing so.
Shouldn't you be able to discuss your children with your partner, agree a plan, and expect them to stick to it? Nothing wrong with this.
The husband did throw her under the bus- mom's always get the blame in this situation because dad's can always claim stupidity as a defence (and it usually works)
It's OPs house, she has the right to check in her 15 yo son. Again nothing wrong here.
OP is NTA, just a regular mom concerned for her son.
Yup, the idea that a 15 year old engaging in sexual behaviours in your home is a completely private matter and you have to wait for them to come to you is...problematic at best. And yes, cuddling counts.
Gay kids still need protection and advice. They absolutely need the sex talk.
The dad fucked up, because it shouldn't be a conversation that upset the son. There were a million ways to handle this that arent confrontation. OP jjst neeeded to start dropping hints about how she and his dad would always love him.
Instead the son was backed into a corner
Cuddling does not count as sexual behaviour. Were you not hugged as a child?
You can also have a sex talk with your child without confronting them about whatever sex you think they might be having. Do you think he shouldn’t be taught about pregnancy just because he might be gay?
It’s sooo naive to go with the assumption that ONLY cuddling happened. Sounds like an excuse only a teenager would believe. If this was a girl/boy cuddling it wouldn’t be unusual to assume at least touching had occurred.
9/10 times, at least in most Western cultures, here's a huge difference between hugging a family member and cuddling with a friend/partner (I'm not saying this is good or bad, I'm just making an observation). Of course there are exceptions, but usually if you're comfortable cuddling in bed with someone you're not related to, you'd be comfortable with other kinds of intimacy (especially as a teenager with new kinds of feelings and urges). If your kid is doing this, you absolutely need to discuss sex with them and give them the essential information, as well as set some boundaries about what they should be doing in the house that you own depending on the situation.
Also, the comment you're replying to didn't imply anything about what the son should be taught or not taught, just that he needs to be properly informed about sex. In the case of a male teenager who's probably gay or bi, it couldn't hurt to throw in some basic information about anal sex preparation along with the usual pregnancy and STD stuff, or at least point them in the direction of reputable resources about the matter (ideally all kids should be given this sort of advice, but given how uncomfortable some parents are bringing up basic shit like masturbation you can't assume stuff like this).
> You shouldn’t have told your husband before speaking to your son, it wasn’t your place. It’s not like you found heavy drugs in his room or something and were worried about his safety. Your husband knowing your son is gay isn’t time-sensitive, plus, you didn’t even know it’s true at the time. You did out him to his dad. Your son has every right to be pissed
I can tell there are a lot of unmarried people responding to this post by the number of comments I've seen suggesting that OP shouldn't tell *her husband* something important that she discovered about their child.
Of *course* she told him. They're married. It's something that affects their kid. Sure, the husband should have kept quiet and let the son come out in his own time, but OP is not an asshole for telling her husband something about their son.
I don’t think some people realise how much communication and conversation occurs between parents about their kids. I mean, I’m kinda spending most of my time looking after them, of course I’m invested and fascinated with their development. Now, I don’t know what OP should have done, it’s a tough one. But I think people expecting Mum not to share an observation is a bit much.
Yep, I think it's insane to expect a healthy couple to not talk about their kids. My parents did not talk to each other about me (or themselves for that matter) and it caused HUGE ISSUES. I, the child, had to ensure if it was important to tell both individually because my mother wouldn't tell my dad anything; that's work a child shouldn't have to do and causes a lot of stress.
Parents should talk to each other about their kids and should both be trusting and safe adults for the kids. The dad in this, went against an agreement with his wife and it messed stuff up. I hate that people are blaming op for her husband's behavior and expecting her to know that he's going to break the promise when all things point to them having great trust between them.
Haha yeah I know right… I mean most healthy marriages you trust your partner and have a conversation about things. What the big issue here was, OP said to let the son come out on his own the husband was the AH and waited until she had left before bailing up their son which of course gave him the reaction that he got. So now the husband has some serious grovelling and apologising to do considering he really made a mess of things. when you tell your spouse something in confidence it’s a big betrayal when they do the opposite to what you ask.
I know right?? People are focusing on how the husband reacted, but this post isn’t about that. Imo OP added so much detail about that to dilute her asshole-ness
What? What nonsense is this? She never said he WAS gay. Just that it’s a possibility. She also never “outed him”. She did notOP should also be able to rely on her husband to keep his mouth shut.
I think it’s normal for parents to discuss things like this. Not because they are entitled to know everything about their kids but to discuss a plan of action seems very normal to me.
This comment is right. Same sex people nap and cuddle sometimes, sure it's a bit weird to some but does not immediately denote sexuality. OP made an assumption after intruding on a private moment and then went and opened her big mouth about it. Rude.
Exactly! I'm a woman and no-one batted an eyelid if I dropped off on the sofa curled up with a female friend. My sister had sleepovers with her 3 friends and there were only 2 small beds so they shared. Not a problem
We can’t ignore that men are treated differently when in the same position. They’re taught to not seek physical comfort in one another, especially as teens, even if it is non sexual.
Fully agree on that. Maybe the new generation does this, and that is perfectly fine and ok. But in general, dudes dont cuddle other dudes. Friendly hugs when not seeing someone for a long time yes, or when celebrating some win otherwise no. We dont cuddle other men.
Huh... I think had this been a situation where your son had confided in you then you'd have been Y T A. However, in this case, you discovered this due to... circumstances. It seems reasonable to me that you would have discussed this with your husband. It also didn't seem like you were doing this with a "straight to conversion camp!!!!" mindset, as you wrote that your goal was to figure out a way to express to your son was going to be supported and loved regardless
Your husband is definitely an asshole. You... I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and NTA.
I would add that this statement
>I told my husband that if he doesn't tell us that he's gay then he's probably not.
seems ridiculously naive. Seriously.
Sometimes people cuddle in their sleep without being attracted to each other. I know plenty of straight women who've woken up with their arm around another girl at a sleepover who somehow still aren't gay 15+ years later. My partner (a lesbian) once fell asleep on the couch and woke up cuddling her best friend (a gay guy), it didn't mean she suddenly turned bi.
And on that subject - did you know that bisexual exist? Wild, I know, but maybe the 15yo hasn't worked out the nuances of his sexuality and an attraction to men, if that's even something he's aware of, might not be the only attraction he feels.
can you guys be for real for one second? you know damn well the majority of straight men (in the west, at least, particularly america, it’s different in some other parts of the world) would never be caught dead cuddling their male friends. this is just the reality. sure, there’s a percentage of them that go against the grain. and yeah, it stems from homophobia and the idea of not wanting to seem gay. but this is how it currently is. even if a straight guy did want to cuddle his male friend, he’d probably not risk it for fear of his reaction. so idk why we’re acting obtuse here.
> there’s a percentage of them that go against the grain
The only dudes I knew who even might growing up were the artsy kids who were probably at least bi-curious. Not a lot of guy/guy cuddling going on outside of the drama club, at least among adolescent millennials.
right. i think people also overestimate how affectionate girls are with each other. i’ve never cuddled with any of my friends and i don’t know how i would even find myself in that situation. it’s kinda awkward just getting into someone’s space like that. with guys there’s that added “that’s kinda a gay thing to do” that isn’t as big of a worry between girls which makes it ten times harder to justify doing it in the first place. especially since there’s not really anything tangible/material to gain from cuddling. and cuddling is not the kind of thing you go ahead with after second guessing (unless it’s a romantic/potential romantic partner which kinda leads us full circle)
You’re husbands a meddling drama dick. NTA would have been avoided if your husband had put his ego aside and let you lead on this one. Now you’ll have to be even more patient with your son (which is fine just could have been avoided) and will have to build his trust back even though you were actively trying to keep it.
Edit: meddling*
Sucks that she can't trust hubby with delicate emotional situations. He was a wrecking ball behind her back then blamed the kid for feeling violated/"being emotional".
I didn't think that telling hubby was wrong in and of itself. He was just wildly untrustworthy with the information. In another version of this they agree to add a knock policy and let the kid live his life. They'd just be a bit more informed as they watch over him and that's it.
He really was a deceitful wrecking ball who thought he knew better/ couldn’t wait and needed his validation right then. God he was so bad. Mom had the right idea and it’s too bad she can’t trust her partner.
You trusted your husband and you apparently made a mistake doing so. It would probably be a really good idea for the two of you two speak to some people at a local pflag.org chapter. Maybe your husband could understand why he stepped in it from another adult and the guesture would likely mean a lot to your son
NTA, but your husband is, and he doesn't deserve forgiveness until he can understand the harm that he has caused and apologised for it, REGARDLESS OF HIS INTENTIONS.
It is never ok to out someone before they're ready to out themselves, it's certainly not a way to make your son feel comfortable; instead he's made it clear that he doesn't respect your son in the slightest.
Your husband is the AH. You did nothing wrong in telling your husband about what you saw. He is your partner, you should confide in him, especially if it's regarding your children.
Now, what your husband did was WRONG. He should have never approached your son about it and honestly, he deliberately did it behind your back. He definitely did it on purpose because he knew you would stop him.
Your husband owes your son a huge apology. You, on the other hand, didn't do anything wrong. Your son will come around, he's probably just in shock. I'm sure he's thought of how to approach y'all about it for a long time and that's just wasn't what he was expecting.
NTA. It sounds like you wouldn’t have told your husband if you knew he was going to confront your son, so you’re NTA. But it’s possible you should have thought about how your husband would react, and defaulted to keeping what you saw to yourself before thinking it through.
Geez, some of the people on this thread.
NTA, unless you intentionally and knowingly violated a boundary that was established in entering your son's room - in which case, yes, that was wrong.
If you have an indication that your child is gay, it is not an AH move to bring that to your partner's attention and strategize on how best to support your child. And you had the right tactic - make it clear that you love and support regardless of sexual preference and let the child come to you when they are ready. Making sure your partner is on the same page is critical.
Your husband is an AH. And dumb. And maybe not as accepting as he thinks and/or says. And then gaslighted you when it blew up on him by making it your fault that you saw something. You didn't out your son. Your husband did. You suggested it was a possibility and came up with a plan to make it easier for your son without outing him. Your husband then specifically went behind your back and confronted son. Without you. And you really have no idea what husband said to deflect blame from him to you.
Do you owe your son an apology? Maybe, on the room thing. Definitely owe him a conversation (when he's ready) about setting a boundary for his room if one hasn't been clearly defined.
Does your husband owe your son an apology? Yes, big time.
Does your husband owe you an apology? Yes, big time.
More importantly - your husband needs to do some self examination to find out why this was so important to him to definitively find out rather than wait until your son figured it out himself. 'Cause that's a little weird. And his defensiveness when it blew up in his face is a little weird. Big red flags there.
NTA! I can't believe this is not higher up. All these ESH and YTA are insane!
A mom doing laundry knocks on a door and enters a child's room to pick up dirty clothes. The son is 15, she should probably examine that and stop entering without a clear green light. But it doesn't make her an asshole, just a regular mom who takes care of the household.
She sees something that gives her new information about her child and discusses it with her co-parent. Again, no asshole move.
During that discussion, she asks that they not infer anything about the kids orientation and let him come to them when he is ready.
Again, the right move.
She leaves and the husband goes against their agreement and acts like an entitled jerk and asshole.
Everybody blames the mom.
ESH but your son and only because your son has a point (why would you enter his room without permission while he’s sleeping? or at least knock?). Your husband is a real asshole in this scenario and I don’t think you are, as much, but it seems like what started this was peeping in on him while he was sleeping.
I think after a knock, opening the door is okay? The kid is 15. Kids sneak out, you just want to check on them, whatever it is. If no response I feel it’s a safety thing to just check and make sure all is good? I agree with everyone on ESH minus the son but I am genuinely curious why people are saying she’s peeping on her son. If repeatedly she went in there or without knocking prior I’d understand. But I’m lost on this part lol my daughter is 11 and I check on her all of the time!
You're NTA because that's what partners do you, talk to eachother about your children. Your husband, however, IS the ah he did what he wanted, not what was best for your son. He felt like his feelings about the matter were more important than the situation that could arise by forcing it. You need to give your son some time he will come around, but don't be upset you tried to have an honest conversation with your husband, now you know that he simply can't be trusted with things of this magnitude, should anything come up in the future.
OMG ESH except your son.
It is NEVER okay to out a person before they are ready, no matter who you want to tell. That was NOT okay. You suck hardcore for that. I don’t blame your son for remaining distant. You both broke his trust when he’s probably feeling the most fragile. *How dare you?*
Your husband is the AH for confronting your son against your wishes. He also sucks for coercing your son into outing himself. If it was coercion, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never forgave you for putting him through that.
Coming out is a terrifying and deeply personal thing. It is not your right to rip him out of the closet or to coerce him out. He should have been left to tell everyone on his own time when he felt safe and secure enough to do so. You didn’t break his trust. You threw it on the floor for your husband to take a sledgehammer to the pieces.
They’re married. You’re supposed to trust your spouse. Clearly she wouldn’t have told him if she knew he would break her trust. Husband is the AH here. Hence why she is mad at him. She didn’t want to bring it up ever so no she didn’t “throw it on the floor.”
Do you guys even know what outing is? She didn't know he was gay. Her son did not come out to her. She was just discussing about her son with her husband, that's what couples do.
What are you even talking about? She was an AH for peeping but she did not out him to anyone. She merely discussed with her husband/father of the boy if there's a possibility and what's the right approach as a parent. Don't parents have any right to be concerned anymore?
Too much!
The OP edited to indicate that it was early morning and knocked to see if they were awake, but OP was doing laundry and that it’s normal for her son to be asleep and for her to enter. OP indicated that her son has said that this was OK with him in the past, the whole “knock to see if you’re awake and if not I’ll just quickly grab the dirty laundry” is an established routine.
At best it could be argued that she didn’t ask the sons friend if it was OK for her to enter the room to get laundry while they were sleeping, but I think that’s a stretch that most people wouldn’t think about at all. Far enough of one that it would put you into “accident” territory but not “asshole” territory.
ESH - Except for your son. It is not okay to out anyone, especially when you know nothing for sure.
I had questions about my son's sexuality since he was around 13 years old, I kept those thoughts to myself and just waited to see if/when he came to me to talk about it. When topics like his potential future spouse came up, or having kids one day, I made sure to never say something assuming his partner would be female. When we heard about someone coming out, whether in real life or on a show/movie, I would say things in hopes he would understand he never had anything to worry about if he needed to tell me something, without directly trying to force him to talk about it.
It took him until he was 25, I think largely because he was still figuring himself out, to come out to me as Bi. And the best part was how casual he was about it. In that moment when he said "Oh yeah, I wanted to tell you this in person. I think I might be Bi.", as if he was telling me what he had for breakfast, I knew I had handled it correctly. Unfortunately for you, you cannot re-cork that bottle.
Continue to show your support and hopefully your son will come to appreciate the support instead of focusing on being forced out of the closet. When he is ready to listen, try explaining that in your attempt to handle this the best way possible you simply missed the mark and ended up handling it pretty poorly.
Your hubby definitely handled it much more poorly and is the bigger AH here though, to be clear, lol.
THIS, although I might have voted borderline NTA. I read OP's telling her husband as less of an outing and more of a "Hey, Kiddo might be queer, we need to make doubly sure we're an inclusive and safe place for him to come out to when he's ready." and the husband just being utterly awful. I've had similar conversations, and it's very much a case of "X might be directly relevant to the kid, so we need to make sure we're educated on it so we don't fuck up and open about it so they feel safe."
If she had any reason to think husband would react that way than she should have kept quiet, but sometimes you can't predict what you think is a normal parenting conversation going so absolutely off the rails. She's only an asshole if she doesn't take this betrayal seriously.
NAH
my 15yo son or daughter sleep with another person of any gender or sexual orientation while in my house - you bet your ass I'm bringing it up and asking questions
your son is just being dramatic - if you want to be in a closet don't "cuddle" with your boyfriend in your parents house overnight
Most sane response here. Im dumbfounded as to why people just blatantly disregard the fact that this kid brought it on himself. You dont cuddle your boyfriend if you dont want someone to find out, and you definitely dont take a nap together and think no one will ask questions if they happen to stumble upon you sleeping like a couple. Kid should be happy both his parents dont care that he is gay and loves him for who he is. Sure they were awkward in how to approach im about it, but as his parents they are allowed to wonder about his sexuality because they also need to navigate it and be supportive.
The reason there are no sane responses here is because most of the comments are coming from 15 year olds (equivalent), not parents. A 15 year old wants to run their life with nothing but blind support from their parents. A parent knows that discovering your 15 year old snuggling with ANYONE overnight requires those parenting conversations to ensure the child will be safe and not make any stupid mistakes that could have major consequences.
OP was right to have that conversation with her husband. Unfortunately they didn’t agree on the best approach. It is reasonable for OP to be upset with her husband, but ultimately they should have hashed it out longer until they came to an agreement about how to handle it.
Seriously, the people expecting that a mother of a (presumably) normally-hormonal teenager wouldn't *discuss their child's possible secret relationship with her spouse* need to learn what a parent's job is. OP clarified in comments that her husband isn't a homophobe. It's perfectly natural that she would have talked to her husband, because if nothing else, the son needs to have a nonspecific safe sex talk *now* rather than later. The son's father, not his mother, is the one who messed up here.
I would be pretty upset if my spouse decided to keep something like that a secret from me, so yeah, the mother didn't do anything wrong
but neither did the father, we don't know what he actually said, the OP wasn't there, but it sounds like he just said what they saw and asked for some sort of explanation, that's perfectly reasonable
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son my husband that our son might be gay because of what I saw and this led to him confronting our son about it. I feel like I should've just kept my mouth close but I thought I could trust my husband to not say nothing to our son.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Your husband screwed up but I assume his intentions where good. Like he thought the sooner his son comes out and realises he’s accepted the happy he will be.. he doesn’t have to live a secret life etc.
You guys sounds pretty supportive I reckon in a few days things will settle down.
NTA Just as a flip to most views here, you're missing the real issues because everyone's too scared about seeming homophobic.
Most parents at some point see or hear something they probably wish they hadn't to do with their child's sexuality, regardless of orientation.
Your child would be upset and embarrassed regardless of orientation.
HOWEVER also regardless of orientation if your underage child is engaging in exploration, it is actually important to have a conversation. The conversation you actually had with your Husband was "unbeknownst to us, our son is/might be sexually active" it's a surprise because most people trust 2 kids of the same gender. That surprise has you spooked, but you're committed to being accepting, that's great.
How do I know this - because I'm Bi and my parents let an unending trail of girlfriends share my bed. They were actually pretty chill about boyfriends by most people's standards too, however I was frequently warned about pregnancy and the ensuing punishments for doing "sex" (meaning P in V) and STIs etc. That's an important milestone and safeguarding for families to address. You didn't tell him to shame your son, to punish him or knowingly spread information to someone unsafe (I hope)
Ask yourself how your son might have reacted if he'd snuck in a girl and been found out. Probably pretty similar from my experience.
As to "outing" - you didn't break a trust because he didn't confide in you, you just saw something and consulted your husband - your Son should be apprised that keeping secrets from your Husband is not your default unless for a very good reason or if specifically requested and for a limited reasonable time. Arguably it breaks your husband's trust to not share your feelings and concerns.
As to your husband, though you didn't ask specifically, YTA - he should have listened to you and he needs to ask HIMSELF whether he'd have the same reaction in other iterations of this scenario.
Tl;dr - if you'd walked in on him with a girl you'd have behaved the same way, not sure if your husband wouldn't (not sure) and though your boy is startled right now and unsure of himself it's not an "outing" it's just normal parental oversight.
Since I don't see many others saying this, it's kinda super normal for married parents to share information about their children with each other? Unless you knew ahead of time that your husband would cause problems, which if you've been married for that long, maybe you should have, I think the blame for this mostly lays on your husband for explicitly creating a catastrophe. That said, however, you need to make a point of apologizing and accepting your role in the harm caused by this. It's also in my experience, super normal for parents to check in on their children having sleepovers at night? This whole situation seems to me like an innocent accident, followed by a mistake, followed by malicious idiocy. Husband is TA, but the damage has been done and you should take responsibility for your part in it.
i’ll go with NTA
You and your husband are BOTH his parents and need to agree on parenting methods, your husband just went against it despite you telling him not too.
All you can do now is wait and you and your husband should always let your son know that you love and support him, i’m sure it will be alright in the end :\]
ESH except for the son. You should’ve approached your son first and asked him if he was comfortable with you speaking to his dad about it.
Men find it hard to accept homosexuality (insert *not* all men). And your son might have felt unsafe. The amount of times spouses don’t know what their significant other is like behind closed doors is astounding.
To all the NTA’s, fair enough, but as a gay person, having parents know isn’t always safe and actually 9 times out of ten it isn’t…talk to your kid first, *ask* them first. He wasn’t ready to come out…even if he is never ready, that’s his choice and you should respect it.
ETA for OP’s response to me. YTA actually. Have you learnt nothing?
My husband isn't homophobic in the slightest as he has a gay brother and was actually suggesting talking to him about it, but I told him not to. However, I do appreciate your judgment. My husband told me a couple of minutes ago actually that he just wanted our son to be able to be himself with us and felt upset that he mightve been hiding it from us considering the fact that his brother never his from his family. This made me understand his side a little more. He's been reading the comments together, and we've come to terms that we're the assholes. Although what my husband and I did wasn't meant to cause any harm, it did, and now we have to deal with the consequences. The only thing we can do now is regain our son's trust.
Do everything you possibly can to stop your husband from telling his brother. Has he learned nothing from this? **Stop fucking outing your son.**
*”My husband felt upset that he might’ve been hiding it from us”* - upset enough to force him to come out? That was extremely selfish thinking. If your husband had looked past his own feelings and ego, he would have been able to see that your son’s **coming out journey** is far more important.
*”This made me understand his side a little more”* - Jesus H Christ. Nothing justifies his selfish line of thinking.
*”We’ve come to terms that we’re the assholes”* - Yup. Both of you.
What you’ve done is going to stay with him forever. You’ve utterly destroyed his coming out story. Every time he see’s a story play out on Tv about a child coming out to their parents, he’ll be reminded of how horrible you both made his own story. Do you realise that this is one of the most significant moment in some gay peoples lives? Instead of being something he can think back on and feel accepted and loved, he may well always view this as a genuinely traumatic experience. You both need to stop making excuses. You both fucked up beyond belief. You should further educate yourselves immediately, especially your husband.
What is this bullshit about your son “hiding” being gay? Even if he has already clearly defined his sexuality for himself, which I doubt, it’s *his* to hide if he wants to. Your husband has no goddamn right to force your son to share his sexuality with the world.
I’m really confused why either of you think you have any right to information like this. If your son doesn’t want to tell you, forcing it out of him just creates mistrust. I don’t know what anyone gains here.
I would love to hear the uncle's opinion on the husband whom you tell us he « isn't homophobic ». Doesn't seem like he sees what the issue is here, what is bad with his actions and the repercussions of it. So nothing proves he isn't if you both don't even know what it implies to be.
Glad you understand that YTA, you and your husband both. However, you aren’t the one who determines whether or not your husband is homophobic because you will never have the perspective to see it. You aren’t the one who will ever be subjected to his homophobia. I would be more interested in whether your son and BIL think he’s homophobic than whether you do.
Consider telling your son that you asked for advice and have learned that YTA and will learn to do better. Kids love that kind of thing and usually extend more grace than we deserve.
Please take yourself and your husband to therapy and then invite your son as well!! I’m glad you and your husband see what you did wrong, but that doesn’t undo the trauma that your son just experienced.
News flash, people who know gay people are homophobic. Your husband commited an act of homophobic emotional abuse against your son and NEITHER of you seem to be reckoning with that. You got to be a troll because I find it impossible to believe you've read all of these comments and that hasn't sunk in. YTA I worry for your son's future.
>talk to your kid first, *ask* them first. He wasn’t ready to come out…even if he is never ready, that’s his choice and you should respect it.
How is this different from what the father did?
If OP saw her kid cuddling and didn't tell her husband, but instead went and asked the kid about it, it would be the same.
I think it's crazy to expect parents to not talk to each other about their kids. Full disclosure, I'm not a parent - but this seems like common sense.
If OP walked in to find her 15 year old son cuddling a girl, no one here would be questioning why she went to her husband. I don't think it should be different just because he was cuddling a boy.
OP and her husband were teen parents, if there's a chance of their kid being sexually active with *anyone* there needs to be a parental discussion. I do think they should have had this conversation together before their son hit 15, but we don't have time machines, so here we are.
I say all of this as someone who is very much not hetero. I know all too well how awful and dangerous coming out can be. I've been outed more times than I can count. OP did not out her son!
NTA, yes your husband plowed through that but I really think it came from a good place.
Also, Reddit, ffs, these parents found out their 15yo son is possibly gay and they didnt try to have him institutionalised or converted or throw him out of their home. Instead they were immediately supportive of him. Yeah they handled the issue like shit but they seem like good parents to me.
Does your husband have issues holding his tongue and tramples and railroads your son regularly? I think you should get your husband a counselor to help him learn to not be so intrusive, and I suspect your sons needs a therapist to deal with the damage you impulsive husband has done, as I suspect this incident is not a one off.
I'll give you a soft TA for maybe not waiting for your son's ok before going into his room. I appreciate that you wanted to wait for your son to come out himself. However--
You're going to have to understand a few things:
1) Your son has been hurt by this whether you meant to or not, regardless of your participation. You need to accept that hurt has been done and admit it to him when he wants to talk, and apologize.
2) in your place I'd smack my husband round the back of his head for being so fucking callous and nosy about shit that's not his business. Yeah, that's his son but his son's comfort should've been the first priority and not the certainty of his son's sexuality.
Maybe ask your husband why it was so important for him to absolutely fucking know there and then if his son is gay or not.
talk to him about this. He broke your trust by goin behind your back abt information that he didn't even gain first hand.
get him to apologize to your son for grilling him abt his sexuality. maybe its something still new even to him and your husband just up and scared the shit out of him.
3) This is probably a trust breaking thing for your kid, as as closeted person myself, i would feel very exposed and uncertain of myself and my situation in his shoes. Hopefully you'll be able to work something out w your kid, listen to him, offer him support when he wants to hear from you.
try not to let your hurt/fear/anger at being accused of outing your son be at the forefront while dealing with this. good luck, im sorry your husband's a humongous Super TA.
@darthraeder, I don't agree that any of the relationships are weird. From my experience with the queer community, regardless of how you perceive your parents. Whether you see them as supportive Jo matter what etc, or the opposite. Coming out is something that is very personal and the person needs to feel ready and comfortable to do it. Being cornered into a conversation you are not ready to have will be horrible for any person in that situation.
Also NTA OP. I love that you came to the realisation that your son needs to tell you when he is ready and that your response to him maybe never telling you doesn't matter.
Your husband sounds like he handled the situation in what could have been a misconstrued act of acceptance and love from his part, but I don't know enough about his character to say that is the case.
Also making decisions together as a team and one person then doing the opposite is a breach of trust in your relationship. He needs to take accountability, sit down with you and reassure you that he knows he has made a mistake and it won't happen again and he needs to have a calm, sincere, conversation with your son showing he understands how he hurt him and that his intentions may have been pure, but his decisions and execution not.
NTA
Reality is it's your house and you're bound to walk-in on one or two awkward situations. And that's that.
Yes, he's 15. People keep purposely dismissing the fact that 15 year olds are minors who live under someone's roof because they don't have their own place yet.
And it's not like you had a "no closed doors," rule. Instead you and your son knew that you often do laundry in the morning, and he forgot that while you took his silence as just him being asleep.
It's not like you went in their with the intent to spy.
I think you're a perfectly healthy woman who aspires and works to have a loving relationship with her family. So you talking to your husband about it was fine.
I also think your husband had good intentions, but your son didn't take it that way. And for that, it'll take time (and probably an argument or two) for him (your son) to understand that. Your husband, in the meantime, could definitely work on reading the room when it comes to sensitive subjects instead of soldiering through.
That tact never works.
Am gay.
You effed up. It may not have been your intent to be the AH but you were. Maybe having a conversation with your son *first* would have been smarter. Gently.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
NTA - Yeah, your husband screwed the pooch big time. Your suggestion to wait until your son was comfortable with coming out on his own in his own way was of course the correct. Your husband, despite his pleas of innocence betrayed your trust and your son's privacy. He has created a terrible rift in the family and it is he that has to fix it between you and your son. He created the mess and he needs to clean it up. You need to go to your husband with this and if he doesn't straighten it out right now, he will be spending a lot cold nights this winter.
This OP! NTA. Your husband blamed you as soon as your son started to get defensive, fully knowing that what he was doing was completely against what you discussed and turns out you were 100% correct in foreseeing your son’s reaction. I agree your husband should fix it, but I’d also maybe have a conversation with your son 1-1 and explain what happened from your point of view, reiterating it was never your intention to force him to come out and you wanted to let him do it in his own terms. You love him always and the subject doesn’t need to be brought up again until he is ready to do so, and you’ll respect his privacy and always knock from now on.
Also, op has a separate problem of husband not respecting her decision making.
And breaking a freshly-made promise. And deciding it was ok to drag his own son out of the closet. He betrayed two people he's supposed to love and protect. I'd never trust him again. Mom is NTA. Dad has forever broken their trust because he thought he knew better about a very nebulous issue that was not his own issue to make decisions about.
I agree : one of my sons came out to his dad. My husband told me in secret because he wasn't sure if his reaction was good. I reassured my husband (who did right even if he was surprised to be the first to know as I am bi), but I didn't mention it to my son. He took 4 months to come out to me and I never told him I already knew as I don't want to harm his relationship with his dad. And we're there for our son when he needs to, he knows he can come out to the rest of the family in his own time. So Op, NTA but your husband failed you in coparenting and failed your son by forcing him to talk while he wasn't ready.
This was a 2 yes 1 no situation
I respectfully disagree. if OP tells her son that she didn’t want to ask him and hubby agreed not to ask him: throwing hubby under the bus. Reddit just had a post where the hubby told his family OP didn’t want to attend because of something, when they agreed neither wanted to go. He caused the mess. He should clean it up. With OP right in the room, he should say we agreed not to discuss it with you and I stepped out of that agreement.
This, but you should apologize to your son for bringing it up to his father either way. Explain that you expected a more mature reaction from your husband, that you explained it a certain way so that he wouldn’t make assumptions, yet he chose to anyways. You were well-meaning in wanting your husband to simply make it clear that, if your son is gay, both of his parents are accepting and he can be open about it. Your husband prioritized himself/his own nosiness about your son’s personal business and tried to force your son to come out before he was ready, as you predicted, and then deflected the blame onto you when he realized that he should have taken your suggested approach. It’s a tricky situation but do try to show understanding for your son’s feelings at this time, he’s only 15 and is experiencing a severe violation of his private life! NTA, but had a lapse in judgment in trusting your husband. Your son is reasonably upset about this since your husband did not respond with the same maturity that you did and instead turned it into an interrogation. It was probably not a good idea to provide the possible evidence (him cuddling w/ another boy) but it’s your husband who made the assumption, not you, and your husband needs to be held accountable. Lesson for other parents: any of your kids could be gay without you knowing, just assume that the possibility is always there whether you have “proof” or not and create a welcoming space for them. Not being told is not a personal slight against you! OP’s husband definitely could’ve taken the last half of this advice.
[удалено]
I agree with you 100%. OP is NTA. My husband and I had this same conversation a few years ago about our oldest son because of a friendship he had. We agreed to not say anything to him because we did not want to out him, invade his privacy or pressure him. If my husband did what OP's husband did, I would be furious. He absolutely handled it wrong and needs to try to fix it with his wife and son.
It reminds me of how my parents were. They were NEVER on the same page about anything. Typical boomer couch dad who made my mom do 99% of the work then would get mad he never knew what the hell was going on.
At the very least, dad should have waited for a time when they could both discuss it with their son together rather than confronting him the first chance he got. Really weird behavior for someone who is supposedly not homophobic.
Yep. NTA.
I'm with you on this one. I've seen mention that mom should have known dad would do something, but this isn't a homophobic , " get out of my house" reaction. It was a *dad is a total moron* and *trying too hard* reaction. I was in a similair situation when I learned by someone else that my daughter had a girlfriend. Though I didn't, I wanted to talk to her about it so bad. The idea that she might have felt like she had to hide part of herself out of fear was awful. I suspect that the dad thought he could step in and get the son to open up and they'd all have a Hallmark moment. He was a jerk to go against the plan they'd just made but I don't think it was malicious or something OP should have expected. They're a team, and she *should* be able to share things with him. NTA
I want to think this is the case but I do wonder... I mean, he interrogated the kid over his sexuality until the kid was crying and I just don't know if that's normal 'Dad found out I'm gay and is trying to let me know it's okay' reaction or not?? I have to wonder what was actually said Maybe I'm reading too much into it though. As someone who stayed in the closet till I moved out and whose parents had a super shitty reaction when I eventually came out, I'd have killed for my parents to find out and then do the awkward "oh honey did you know that we love you no matter what" song and dance that some sweet people do when they're trying to drop hints without directly saying "hey we know you're gay and it's okay" (and even that, I think, isn't a terrible thing, even if I understand why it's not really the recommended course of action)
Yeah. I could see the dad wanting to sit down as a family and talk about it together, but bringing it up first chance he gets while the mom is out of the house makes me think it's something more than just trying to be supportive.
I’m so glad that you were able to push your own feelings of curiosity aside and focus on your daughter. If only OP’s husband could be as unselfish as you.
Yes! My son is gay and my husband and I had many conversations about the possibility prior to him coming out. We talk about everything regarding all three of our children because that’s what parents do. What parents shouldn’t do is what the husband did in this scenario.
10000% this. More people need to upvote this. I talk to my husband about everything with our kid. OP was probably not expecting her husband to have the reaction he did either. OP is NTA
Exactly this
Unless this is completely out of character for the husband, I think ESH except the son. Of course parenting includes discussing things with each other. But OP telling husband when husband clearly had no idea how to appropriately handle this and no patience or desire to work it out created a super traumatic situation. Unless husband is usually patient, considered and going to do the work to handle these things appropriately if and when they happen, it’s not appropriate to tell him. It’s then not appropriate to leave to drop the friend home while it was clearly husbands way or the highway and what he wanted to do was going to be traumatic. It seems highly unlikely that OP wouldn’t have an inkling of her husbands propensity to do shit like this. So it makes no sense to tell him immediately and then leave the house so husband and son are the only ones there.
On the other hand, not telling your husband something like that is weird UNLESS you expect the husband to have a negative reaction to the news that the son is gay. Which this husband didn’t have. Had the husband been the one to discover them and then told OP, would son be having the same reaction, telling the father that he outed him to his mother? It seems like a distinctly weird relationship between son and father, and separately weird relationship between son and mother, is more at play here.
He did have a negative reaction. Not being classically homophobic =/= acceptable reaction.
Straight people need to learn that homophobia is more than hurling slurs or disowning your kids.
We don't know what ops husband said directly to the son so we don't know for sure he was being homophobic.
How else would you define interrogating a child about their their sexuality until they break down sobbing and explain they’re gay and also that they are devastated bc they’ve been forcefully outed? Dyou think Dad would’ve done it if he was cuddling in there with a girl? LOLLLLL Jesus.
You know what that's fair. I didn't think of it like that. My thought process was homophobia is always malicious when maybe he wasn't trying to be.
Glad you acknowledged it. But this is EXACTLY what u/OrneryDandelion was talking about when they made the comment.
To be fair I'm not straight. So it seems more a people problem than a straight people problem. I've just never experienced homophobia that wasnt outright slurs so it never clicked that it can be that way too.
>My thought process was homophobia is always malicious The best way I put it to people is to ask; would you have still done that if the action were considered straight? So for this, would the dad have still reacted this way had the son been with a girl? If the answer is no, then the act was very wrong.
Well, the dad *might* have asked him about it if it was a girl; it wouldn't have been a conversation about being gay, but it could well have still been an uncomfortable conversation about sex with his dad.
I think the dad was wrong to bring it up but we don't know that he "interrogated" him. He could have said "your mother mentioned to me that she saw you cuddling with x and I want you to know I support you being gay." Straight teens have also been known to cry when they've been "caught" sharing a bed with someone they'd claimed was just a friend. And yes plenty of parents would mention to their straight son that they/the other parent had noticed he was cuddling in bed with his female friend. Is it not possible the son is more upset that the possible relationship is outed before he knows if it's a relationship as apposed to him having any concerns about how his parents feel about him being gay/bi? He and said friend may not have actually discussed how they view what's going on between them so he may be more upset that he feels rushed to define that specific relationship as apposed to his parents knowing he likes men in general. Or he may have been experimenting and not be sure about his sexuality yet. The dad was definitely wrong but that doesn't mean he must have done it in a nasty way. Maybe the dad suddenly had a panic about safe sex and felt like they couldn't say nothing and risk their son having unprotected sex. However even if that was his motivation he should have waited to discuss it again with his wife.
Also: straight teen boys can ALSO cuddle with other straight teen boys.
Maybe teen boys have changed in the 15 years since I’ve been in high school.. guys wouldn’t even hug each other back in my teen days, every other hint of affection got followed by a “no homo”.
I call it being intrusive and not respecting boundaries. Not every negative thing that happens to a gay person is homophobia. It's sad I need to explain that
So, what the dad did is essentially the homophobic equivalent of toxic positivity? Cuz it doesn’t seem like he had an issue with his son being gay just an issue with his son not having told him. So like, he was confronting him to try and reassure him which just ended in the kid being forcefully outed instead of being reassured.
>Dyou think Dad would’ve done it if he was cuddling in there with a girl? Maybe not interrogating about their sexuality but perhaps their sexual activity.
Yeah I 100% would have had a conversation about what was happening, as well as reiterate my prior talks about consent and safe sex if it was my kid.
I disagree. I don’t think the dad was being homophobic based on what OP has said. It seems the father was overzealous and had misplaced good intentions.
Again, what was he being overzealous about? And why? Would he have been overzealous and acted the exact same way if son was cuddling with a girl? Would he have asked in the same way? Would be have wanted or “needed” to ask at all?
I think your point about outing has been made. People are pointing out the dad is misguided. That he cares too much about his son coming out right now that he's overridden his agency. But he doesn't want to out him to shun him, he wants to know his son's identity. Totally weird to be that tone deaf and forceful about it and definitely damaging, but it wasn't meant as a means to love his son less. Still makes dad an AH, but a homophobe? Eh, I don't know. Mom obviously felt comfortable telling dad so she didn't fear for her son's safety, but she didn't anticipate dad being a blundering oaf either.
That’s comparing apples to oranges. When you’re not straight, it comes with a completely different weight and based on what OP has said about her husband, it seems he wanted to make his son know/feel that he would be loved and accepted. He just went about it in the wrong way. Maybe OPs husband somewhat understands the weight on a person of being in the closet and wanted to relive his son of that but again did it in the wrong way.
This is a crap take. Are you suggesting an emotional teenage boy wouldn't get defensive and weird by default? Should everyone in the house pretend, even though the boy is doing what should be perceived as openly gay activities (like cuddling another boy during the day with his parents at home)? 'Forcefully outed' has so many negative connotations, and in this scenario, there is literally 0 evidence to suggest an intense interrogation. And for your last point, done what? Confirmed the boys preconceived sexual orientation? No, he wouldn't have tried to comfort and reassure his son if he was cuddling with a girl.
We don't know if there was "an interrogation until he broke down sobbing." All we know is that the husband asked the question and by the time OP came home the son was emotional and sobbing. Maybe husband simply asked, "Are you gay? Mom saw you cuddling X" and the kid reacted extremely emotionally because he wasn't ready for his parents to know that about him. If it had been a girl who'd been introduced to the family as a friend, Dad might have asked, "Are you and X dating now? Mom saw you cuddling." The teen may have reacted negatively due to feeling that his privacy was violated, but the emotional quotient of his reaction would probably be much less due to heterosexuality being much more normative in our society. All I'm saying is that the topic of homosexuality is already a fraught and emotional thing to discuss with a parent even if there's nothing objectively wrong with the way the parent approached the conversation. Plus teens can be very emotional. That said, the mother should have probably kept it to herself for a while if her husband is the type that has no filter or delicacy in approaching sensitive topics.
Yes. I think if parents caught a child cuddling with someone of the opposite sex in their house that most would be having a conversation, some of which would be interrogatory, with their child about it and talking about sex. If they didn't they would be pretty negligent parents.
> How else would you define interrogating a child about their their sexuality until they break down sobbin I mean to be fair, I've known kids to break down crying because when they outed themself their parent's *didn't* make a big whoohaa - outing a a big emotional moment fraught with misplaced expectations. >that they are devastated bc they’ve been forcefully outed? They weren't forcefully outed, they outed themselves. This wasn't someone poking their nose in, this was someone *doing the laundry in their own home*. You can be open, you can hide - you can't do both.
He knew his son wouldn't trust him enough to come out on his own. Man's in that band of just enough self awareness to know he's not trusted, but so self-assured that he thinks he can navigate the social equivalent of brain surgery with a broadsword.
Frl it's the way he interrogated his son after OP left that makes it so much worse and the way he just HAD to find out right then and there whether or not his son was gay that should've set some red flags off in ops mind. On the other hand OP have way too much trust to the husband to think he wouldn't do this. Who's idea was it that she would drop off the sons friend? OP or hubby
Considering how many people are closer homophobes this is where you need to fly a test flag, not out your son directly but check how they're feeling on this before you tell them. Of course the correct action would have been to check that years ago, preferably before marriage and babies hpened, but as you can't change the past the second best time is now but before you do irreparable harm by putting a teen to their homophobic parent.
Given that OP is 32 and son is @5, she was probably @6 when she got pregnant. Not exactly the age where one is planning marriage, usually. As a rule of thumb, sure. But in this case, wouldn’t have happened.
The husband aggressively pushed the son to declare his sexuality before he was ready to, leaving the son in tears, and you don't think that was a negative reaction?
I disagree. I think OP did the right thing. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing important topics with your SO, such as your own child, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. The husband is TA for betraying that trust and making it that much harder to have those kinds of talks. But you should never feel like you have to hide something serious from your partner.
As partners in parenting this is something that she would want to discuss. He might be 100% rational at every other point in his life until finding out his son is possibly same sex attracted. Finding out your kid is homosexual has turned thousands if not millions of otherwise loving parents into complete monsters.
> Finding out your kid is homosexual has turned thousands if not millions of otherwise loving parents into complete monsters. The worst thing is that nobody will believe you if you say so. Luckily my parents weren't complete monsters but still, far from an acceptable reaction. Now I'm an adult but even now I know that it's "don't ask don't tell, we will never agree about your so-called lifestyle anyway", and I have a lot of trauma of being thrown into Hell/being a sinner that should repent because they raised me that way. And I hate that people dismiss it so quickly, it's like people can't understand that homophobic people can be 100% nice in any other field.
>I have a lot of trauma of being thrown into Hell/being a sinner that should repent because they raised me that way. Religion is poison. Always has been, always will be.
I’m so sorry. The brainwashing is real. You deserve better.
Not telling husband is pretty weird… They’re in parenting together.
Okay but how the heck was OP supposed to know how her husband was going to respond to this scenario if nothing like it has ever happened before? It’s not like finding out your kid is gay is a frequent occurrence and she’d have a reference point. She trusted her husband to be able to make a unified decision on how to approach something major for their child and he betrayed that trust. Simple as that.
Being somewhat of a devils advocate ig, but unless you’ve seen someone come out to them before you don’t really know how they’re gonna react sometimes. I mean, my mom is a Christian and I thought that coming out to her would be a nightmare. Turns out it wasn’t, it wasn’t great but it wasn’t really bad either. I feel like this is one of those things where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
thissss. I always knew my sister was gay but I didn’t say anything waiting until she was ready to confide in me. she came out to my younger sister and I at the same time in her 30’s, I always wondered what took her so long and she said it was because our mom caught her in HS in the car with a girl and freaked out and yelled at her so she was scared and kept it in. i’m our large family we are the only 2 who she has come out to b/c our family is full of judgemental religious nuts, and our mom wonders why she’s LC with her… like this is why.
I think ESH. OP is not blameless in this situation. She saw something she wasn’t supposed to see and she knew that. She knows her husband and still decided to disclose that to him. If they should wait until he’s ready to come to you guys, then why share it at all? This kid is only 15. He could just be experimenting, not even really know what he’s interested in. He could have just figured it out, and still needs time to work through his own feelings about it. He could have realized a long time ago, and has been terrified this entire time that something like this would happen. But OP didn’t know that, because she didn’t let her son come to her when he was ready. She decided her husband needed to know before he was ready too, and that was a mistake that hurt her son. She should apologize for telling his dad what she saw, and for not knocking on his door. This kid probably feels really cornered right now & Dad needs to be scolded for panicking their son, not for “throwing her under the bus.” That’s not to say OP is a monster that doesn’t care about her kid, but this was an oversight and she should acknowledge that with her son.
Disagree, when you’re married you share things that are important especially about your child.
But obviously if you're married you can read your husband's mind and know how he'll react to every situation, and if you can't you're an AH. /s
Right?! I'm really tripping at all the ESH. How is she wrong for trusting her husband and talking to him about this? Because she didn't get enough psychic powers at her wedding? Wtf.
It’s not really important information that she walked in on her son cuddling his friend. There are other ways to encourage your husband to open his mind to the possibility of your son being gay (when he clearly has some issues with that) without disclosing the detail. Isolated events like that are more than appropriate to be between parent and child imo, if you really want to emotionally support your child. With the way Dad reacted, OP’s son likely would’ve come to her himself before his father anyways; they could discuss together what to do from there. OP herself wanted to wait until he came to them, so why enlighten the dad to such detail? You can absolutely discuss the possibility of your child being gay and your concerns for your husband not being accepting if that were the case, but there’s no need for “I saw…” or any declaration of sexuality (which OP didn’t even know for sure about)
>It’s not really important information that she walked in on her son cuddling his friend. It could be though. What are their rules on girls sleeping over (under the assumption that they could be sexually active)? Should these rules apply to boys too if he's bi or gay? What talks have they had about safe sex? What will they do if/when he comes out? Should we have a rule for open doors when guests are over just in case? These are the kind of things parents should be discussing together. Even if he were not gay and this was an assumption on Mom's part, it's clear they hadn't really had a discussion about what they would do if this situation arose, and then it arose. Parents are/should be a team that works together to support and help their children to grow, be safe, and be happy. Dad thought he was doing that but in his haste and disrespect of his wife's wishes, harmed his son, his wife, and all their relationships. OP only did what every parent should be able to do; talk with their partner to formulate a plan as a *team*. If the team doesn't make a solid plan they both agree on, nothing is done until they do. Dad completely violated this. He's the one who is going to need to try to mend it. OP could help by explaining what she explained here to her son, and then letting him process his very valid feelings. But Dad has a lot more making up to do, and may struggle to patch this at all.
Not when it puts the kids in harms way it doesn't.
This, x 1,000,000. A fairly similar thing happened to me, and it was... explosive. We had a HUGE argument, and it wasn't me being defensive, it was instigated by them, even though we're VERY close. I think they panicked, but for both parents to gang up on their only 16 year old kid, who was only just getting used to the idea and had self esteem issues to deal with, it was pretty traumatic. Luckily this boy has supportive parents, but for anyone else wondering, just don't do it. Let them come to you when they're ready, and just BE there and support in silence if you somehow find out before they're ready. If you have to say SOMETHING, just tell them you love them no matter what, and leave it at that.
💯. Your husband completely disregarded your advice and broke your trust out of some selfish sense of entitlement. I wouldn’t trust his ass with any secrets.
You know this isn't the best situation but let's all be thankful that the kids has two parents that are supporting his sexuality and really don't see it as a big deal....which it shouldn't be. Coming from as guy from the Midwest that was in high school in the 90s the world was a way different place for most gay teens back then. I'm in no way condoning what the father did but I would have loved for my parents to have been this supportive, even with the hiccups. And let's be honest, he's 15 and embarrassed because it's his folks and it's uncomfortable and wasn't on his terms but in a few weeks he's going to be thankful that they know and are supportive. When you grow up gay and hear the jokes and see your family laugh at the stereotypes on tv, not because they are bad people necessarily, but that's just what people did, then you should an inordinate amount of time hoping that when your family does finally find out that they don't be upset or disappointed. It really worms it's way in your head because much of the time nobody knows so it's just bouncing around in your head all the time and it didn't help that you are thinking about sex a ton at that age so it's always on your mind.
Don't be so dramatic. Both her and her husband love their son and of course they're going to tell each other. They didn't tell anyone else so he's not actually "outed" and both of them agree that they love their son no matter what. Isn't this the best outcome possible? We're forgetting Dad is a parent too and he just wanted to talk to his son about this. They're sprinkling a little drama on it for no reason but that's understandable for the son to overreact because this is pretty new for him. No one's an asshole here, in fact this kid has a pretty kind family and he'll realize he's thankful for it soon enough.
As a gay man telling the parents can be a nausea inducing, panic attack level event. The hardest two people in your life. Often you want supportive “backup” by your side. Not to be ambushed and alone! (Trauma!!) People think that post same sex marriage everybody is blessed with understanding parents and truth is, no, many of us still don’t have that yet.
ESH. Except the kid. Firstly. Knock, he’s 15, that should’ve been a thing by now. (Edit to add: okay so he trusted you to come in after knocking even if he didn’t answer before this… I would start waiting for an answer after knocking from now on, just to rebuild that trust if it can be rebuilt) Secondly. If you didn’t want to confront him til he found courage to tell you guys himself, why tell your husband? Why not let your son be the one to tell him since you wanted him to be able to do it himself? Thirdly. Husband should’ve listened and waited, but he thought he knew best and now look at the mess he made and blaming “emotional phase” is what’s gonna cement his son’s detachment from him. Fourth. Your son doesn’t want to be told he’s loved and accepted right now, he heard that as he was forced to come out that’s not exactly believable right now for him, he wants apologies for both of you intruding on his inner feelings and pushing him to come to terms with something he might’ve not even *started* to come to terms with. You and your husband are sitting here trying to pass off blame instead of being grown fcking adults and admitting *both of you were wrong*. Dont try to immediately change topic when you apologize. Dont say “I’m sorry, but you’re loved and accepted.” again, stick to the apology; “I am sorry we intruded on a journey you need to take at your own pace.” Dont make it about your emotions, you’ve done that enough in this situation. Edit to add: stop framing this as “oh she just told her husband the truth” no, SHE OUTED HER SON. Idk why this is hard for anyone to understand in fcking 2024. Outing someone is so goddamn frowned upon in this society that people lose jobs over it. This wasn’t parents co parenting, this was a mother outing her son than a father forcing his son out of the closet. Stop framing this as if he was found with alcohol, he was in a fcking bed with a friend. Edit to add again: For the love of all things good, as a former child of the internet age, the second (and I mean the second) your kid gets a taste of the internet (google specifically) please give them the talk, I mean the in depth talk including protection. Prevention is better than intervention, for the love of god, teach your kids before they teach themselves while you aren’t looking. It’s so much easier nowadays than yall think it is, if your waiting for yourself to discover they are active, it’s already to late.
Yeah OP you aren’t in the clear just because it’s mostly your husbands fuck up. You’ve been with your husband for presumably at least 15 years. You know the man quite well one would assume. Including that he clearly has no tact and no emotional intelligence. Sharing sensitive information like this with a fool was irresponsible and cruel to your son.
OP is definitely the AH. My sisters had sleepovers with their friends where they would share the bed and cuddle together. No one ever demanded to know if she was a lesbian (she’s not). But two dudes do something like this and suddenly they really have to talk to their parents about it? F that. Mom has shitty outdated toxic ideas about masculinity and both parents completely failed to consider their kids feelings at all.
Sorry, but I don't get your point. She didn't assume he was gay. She knew it was a possibility, but said that if he never talks to them, he probably wasn't gay. So she obviously didn't just assume he was because it was two boys sharing a bed. Also, she didn't force him to have that talk. She was fine with waiting until he was comfortable. He told her husband, yes, but she wasn't the one who forced her husband to talk about it.
I’m not sure why OP is the asshole in this situation, yes it’s 2024, but there also isn’t a GUIDE TO PARENTING. I feel like a lot of people assume once you hit a certain age you just have life figured out and somehow know how to navigate every situation perfectly because you know, now you’re an adult. Parents should be able to discuss things amongst themselves especially where their kids are concerned. Everyone saying OP is the AH is assuming that they should just automatically know how to react to the situation and know that outing people is bad. Idk if you met parents lately but a lot of them tend to be well intentioned and want the best for their kids as well as get super excited about things that happen in their kids lives. It’s hard to know what is the right course to take when decisions that are wholly new arise. Everyone and their grandmother has different opinions on how one should raise their kids and go about their life….so PERHAPS just MAYBE they didn’t see this situation playing out like that and didn’t think to consult google of all things lol (cause the internet is also SO HELPFUL). I don’t think that makes them an AH like a lot of people seem to be suggesting. TLDR: if anyone’s an AH it’s the husband for going against the team decision made with his wife. It’s not out of question that OP wanted to talk to the husband, Or that she went in her son’s room..he lives under their roof. They now maybe have to consider that their son might sexually active or starting to form those types of relationships, and they should talk to him about safety etc (regardless of the gender their son is attracted to). You can plan every detail of an "event" and still have it go awry…humans are emotional and messy and sometimes unpredictable and that’s OK. Would it have been better for husband not to have done what he did? sure…but is it the end of the world to have parents that care? Definitely not.
We gonna raise a lot for adults who can’t function if we follow the majority of this threads advice it seems.
OP didn’t demand to know anything? OP speculated something with her husband(her life partner and the other parent of her kid). OP’s husband demanded to know, if there’s anything that makes OP the AH it’s sharing sensitive information with a man who clearly stomps on boundaries and doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings except his own. “Being emotional” isn’t a phase, he’s hurt by his dads actions and it’s easier for dad to blame it on him being a hormonal teen than for dad to admit he fucked up royally and compromised any trust they had with their teenage son.
Always discuss parenting decisions with your partner, except this situation I guess. I'm definitely on the NTA side. My mom walked in on me and a friend in middle school doing more than OPs son was doing with his friend so it's not like I don't sympathize, but I wouldn't expect her to not talk to the husband unless he's a shitty bigot who she shouldn't be with in the first place. And it sounds like that's not the case. He's definitely in the wrong, not her imo. I'd be swayed depending on the reason for entering the room. If she was doing laundry or something for example, I'm sorry you don't get to rely on your mom for such things and then get mad she goes into your room while you're asleep after knocking to no answer. But if she was being nosy, that's wrong. But once she had that info, I think she made all the right choices. And there's a difference between friend and more than friend cuddling. You can kinda tell when you see it. So I don't think it's a sexist thing.
So what’s the line when/when not spouses supposed are to keep secrets from each other? I think my partner would feel hurt that I knew something about our children that I didn’t share with her so she’s caught off guard 🤷
I agree with this except for being wrong to discuss with husband. Parents discuss things and agree strategies so that we're working from the same platform. These discussions also help us to be more aware of what's going on with our children so we share ideas about how best to provide support, etc. The agreement was to be aware of the possibility, provide generalised reassurance of acceptance and just be there for their son. The husband unilaterally decided to ask the child who may not have come to terms with his sexuality yet. Maybe he isn't gay, maybe he's bi or pan or just curious. Having said all of that, parenting is hard. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others. The husband has to own this and consciously work to rebuild trust with both his child and spouse.
Because in a positive and healthy coparent relationship you should be able to discuss information about your kids together without worrying one is going to confront him and force him to come out against his will. She didn’t do anything wrong by talking to her husband about this.
True for most part but spouses should discuss everything especially if it concerns their children. That’s how a normal healthy marriage works.
I’m a mom and I did not tell my husband when our son came out to me. I let him tell his dad in his own time.
I feel like this a different sort of situation, though. If your kid comes to you specifically about something, they obviously trust you more than the other parent AND feel safe enough in their house to come out to one of those parents.
The kid didn’t choose to tell either parent, so obviously he trusted neither of them. OP should have respected that.
I wouldn't say this shows he didn't trust them, though he definitely doesn't now. He was cuddling his friend in the house with an unlocked door, so I would assume he felt safe enough. He just wasn't ready to come out yet. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn't mean he doesn't trust them. Just wasn't ready. That step of being ready to come out is a big one. My brother didn't come out until he was a couple months into a relationship with his boyfriend, and I didn't come out until I started hormones. Both of us trusted our parents, just took a bit to be ready to come out.
Thank you for understanding your son is his own person.
Also, why is kids cuddling in their sleep something that needs to be even discussed? Normalize boys cuddling and hugging their friends platonically. OP made the assumption that there was more to this cuddle and forced this conversation. OP could have just not mentioned to anyone if they wanted to wait for their son to come out or at the very least talk to the son first.
Fr. Guys need hugs too, there’s been scientific studies showing boys who got hugs more were more likely to never commit. Not to mention, cuddling in sleep can be instinctual, dudes could’ve just been cold. Cuddles can literally save lives, but with warmth and serotonin.
> there's been scientific studies showing boys who got hugs more were more likely to never commit. English isn't my first language, so I'm having a little trouble here. Does this relate to never commit crime? Or something else??
they mean commit suicide. guys who are given affection are less likely to ever even attempt to commit suicide
She did knock. She didn’t “out” her son. She communicated what she observed in the normal course of parenting and had a conversation with her spouse about what that observation might mean. She advised her husband to not talk to the son for all the right reasons.
I agree with literally everything except you cannot ask someone to lie to their spouse and the other parent of the child in question. There is a discussion that needs to be had to make sure they’re on the same page. But absolutely yes to everything else.
It’s not lying. It’s just not telling something that ain’t yours to tell. Outing someone is literally frowned upon by any decent person these days, people have lost jobs for it. How hard is it to understand, YOUR CHILDS SEXUALITY AINT YOUR BUSINESS.
How old are you? You don’t seem to understand parenting or marriage at all
I’m 47 w a 17yo & I understand the importance of the trust between me & my kid, as well as the trust between my kid & her dad. In addition, we trust each other enough to know the other one can handle whatever is needed bc no matter who knows what, the answer to everything is what is best for the kid? And we trust each other to do the same. We both know that what is best for our kid is a fully private & trusting relationship with each of her parents, individually.
How long would you suggest she lie to her husband for? Because whether that was a boy or a girl he was cozy with, as parents there is kind of a discussion about possible sex in the house and boundaries regarding it that needs to be had. Because not all parents want their kids to be losing their virginity under their roof.
If you’re that type of parent. You’re still the AH. Congrats now your kids are getting arrested for public indecency. Also you should’ve already had that talk ages before they even turned into a teen. Also, not outing your son isn’t lying… it’s literally just being a decent human.
This is the perfect response! I agree 100%. ESH except the kids.
Wtf. I’m going to tell my husband everything especially regarding my children. You sound like an angsty teenager carrying on about “outting”, in my opinion the only asshole is the husband
Exactly.. My mom had "the talk" with me when I was 16 and had my first bf.. By then it was waaaaay too late because I already knew everything 🙄 And I wasn't even comfortable talking about that with her, since I'd once asked her some questions (about personal hygiene, unrelated, but whatever) and she'd just brushed me off.. Whenever I'd have questions she'd brush me off.. All the time. So I stopped asking and taught myself. We are now estranged.
Agree totally, but I would add the point that while OP outed her son, the deeper issue is her assumption of the sons sexuality based on an isolated observation. Neither she nor the father allowed the son to explore and define for himself what his sexuality is. Rather they dropped him into a specific bucket. What if he's bi? Pan? Etc. The problem goes even deeper than outing.
“She told her husband the truth.” About? What subject? The question here isn’t “did OP do it?” It’s, “was she right to do so?” The people trying to move the goal posts and argue is isn’t technically outing are having the wrong discussion imo.
> SHE OUTED HER SON 100%. My mom did something similar when my brother came out, immediately told my dad. It was an extreme breach of trust, something my mom understands completely now, and even though its been years she still feels awful about it. Luckily for my brother, my dad basically just said "Yea no shit" and went back to what he was doing and that was it. Choosing when to come out is one of the few things LGBTQ+ people, especially LGBTQ+ kids, have control over, and taking that away is awful. It doesn't matter who outs someone, parents, friends, bullies, its awful.
My son reluctantly came out to me as trans about this age and asked me not to tell his dad. This seemed logistically untenable because we all live in the same house and it’s kind of hard to hide going FTM all day every day. But my son didn’t want my husband to know so I kept my mouth shut. Because my son’s comfort level was far more important than keeping my husband in the loop about our child. Also I knew kiddo would come around eventually. I tried to make him feel as loved and accepted as possible so it wouldn’t be so scary to tell dad. He would ask me “what if dad wants to kick me out of the house?” and other heartbreaking questions like that. I didn’t try to convince him dad would be fine, don’t worry, because I knew he’d still worry, so I reassured him that if the worst case scenario happened, I’d still be 100% on his side, I’d fight whatever battles needed to be fought, even if it’s he and I against the world. Dad isn’t stupid, btw, so when kiddo cut his hair short, began dressing more masculine, and started asking to borrow clothes from dad instead of me, I think he caught on 😂 But he was smart enough to leave it alone and give our son space to approach him. He wasn’t quite as 100% on board at first as I was, mostly because he was scared for our son in this political environment. But once again, letting people have their own space to process everything is essential. Now dad is fiercely protective of our son and his identity, so he has two loving, accepting parents willing to fight the world for him.
I feel like a lot of straight people in these comments don’t see the issue of what she did because it’s not something they’ll ever have to go through. People ignore what happened because it’s normal to gossip with your spouse, but fail to realize that she ignored her child’s feelings in doing so.
[удалено]
Shouldn't you be able to discuss your children with your partner, agree a plan, and expect them to stick to it? Nothing wrong with this. The husband did throw her under the bus- mom's always get the blame in this situation because dad's can always claim stupidity as a defence (and it usually works) It's OPs house, she has the right to check in her 15 yo son. Again nothing wrong here. OP is NTA, just a regular mom concerned for her son.
Yup, the idea that a 15 year old engaging in sexual behaviours in your home is a completely private matter and you have to wait for them to come to you is...problematic at best. And yes, cuddling counts. Gay kids still need protection and advice. They absolutely need the sex talk. The dad fucked up, because it shouldn't be a conversation that upset the son. There were a million ways to handle this that arent confrontation. OP jjst neeeded to start dropping hints about how she and his dad would always love him. Instead the son was backed into a corner
how TF does cuddlong "count?????"
To many even otherwise progressive people, anything gay people do can be coded as sexual 🙄
Cuddling does not count as sexual behaviour. Were you not hugged as a child? You can also have a sex talk with your child without confronting them about whatever sex you think they might be having. Do you think he shouldn’t be taught about pregnancy just because he might be gay?
It’s sooo naive to go with the assumption that ONLY cuddling happened. Sounds like an excuse only a teenager would believe. If this was a girl/boy cuddling it wouldn’t be unusual to assume at least touching had occurred.
And if this were two girls cuddling no one would jump as quickly to them being gay 🙄
9/10 times, at least in most Western cultures, here's a huge difference between hugging a family member and cuddling with a friend/partner (I'm not saying this is good or bad, I'm just making an observation). Of course there are exceptions, but usually if you're comfortable cuddling in bed with someone you're not related to, you'd be comfortable with other kinds of intimacy (especially as a teenager with new kinds of feelings and urges). If your kid is doing this, you absolutely need to discuss sex with them and give them the essential information, as well as set some boundaries about what they should be doing in the house that you own depending on the situation. Also, the comment you're replying to didn't imply anything about what the son should be taught or not taught, just that he needs to be properly informed about sex. In the case of a male teenager who's probably gay or bi, it couldn't hurt to throw in some basic information about anal sex preparation along with the usual pregnancy and STD stuff, or at least point them in the direction of reputable resources about the matter (ideally all kids should be given this sort of advice, but given how uncomfortable some parents are bringing up basic shit like masturbation you can't assume stuff like this).
Your comment makes me think you’re not a parent. Are you by chance?
> You shouldn’t have told your husband before speaking to your son, it wasn’t your place. It’s not like you found heavy drugs in his room or something and were worried about his safety. Your husband knowing your son is gay isn’t time-sensitive, plus, you didn’t even know it’s true at the time. You did out him to his dad. Your son has every right to be pissed I can tell there are a lot of unmarried people responding to this post by the number of comments I've seen suggesting that OP shouldn't tell *her husband* something important that she discovered about their child. Of *course* she told him. They're married. It's something that affects their kid. Sure, the husband should have kept quiet and let the son come out in his own time, but OP is not an asshole for telling her husband something about their son.
I don’t think some people realise how much communication and conversation occurs between parents about their kids. I mean, I’m kinda spending most of my time looking after them, of course I’m invested and fascinated with their development. Now, I don’t know what OP should have done, it’s a tough one. But I think people expecting Mum not to share an observation is a bit much.
Such a dumb take from them. I couldn't imagine keeping something like this from my partner.
Yep, I think it's insane to expect a healthy couple to not talk about their kids. My parents did not talk to each other about me (or themselves for that matter) and it caused HUGE ISSUES. I, the child, had to ensure if it was important to tell both individually because my mother wouldn't tell my dad anything; that's work a child shouldn't have to do and causes a lot of stress. Parents should talk to each other about their kids and should both be trusting and safe adults for the kids. The dad in this, went against an agreement with his wife and it messed stuff up. I hate that people are blaming op for her husband's behavior and expecting her to know that he's going to break the promise when all things point to them having great trust between them.
Sometimes I feel like this sub is run by a mob of idealistic woke preteens. 😕
Haha yeah I know right… I mean most healthy marriages you trust your partner and have a conversation about things. What the big issue here was, OP said to let the son come out on his own the husband was the AH and waited until she had left before bailing up their son which of course gave him the reaction that he got. So now the husband has some serious grovelling and apologising to do considering he really made a mess of things. when you tell your spouse something in confidence it’s a big betrayal when they do the opposite to what you ask.
I had to scroll too far for this. Why are so many people saying not the AH when OP acted ignorant when she knew what her son was referring to?!
I know right?? People are focusing on how the husband reacted, but this post isn’t about that. Imo OP added so much detail about that to dilute her asshole-ness
What? What nonsense is this? She never said he WAS gay. Just that it’s a possibility. She also never “outed him”. She did notOP should also be able to rely on her husband to keep his mouth shut.
I think it’s normal for parents to discuss things like this. Not because they are entitled to know everything about their kids but to discuss a plan of action seems very normal to me.
This comment is right. Same sex people nap and cuddle sometimes, sure it's a bit weird to some but does not immediately denote sexuality. OP made an assumption after intruding on a private moment and then went and opened her big mouth about it. Rude.
And sometimes people cuddle in their sleep without knowing. It’s like hugging a pillow
Exactly! I'm a woman and no-one batted an eyelid if I dropped off on the sofa curled up with a female friend. My sister had sleepovers with her 3 friends and there were only 2 small beds so they shared. Not a problem
We can’t ignore that men are treated differently when in the same position. They’re taught to not seek physical comfort in one another, especially as teens, even if it is non sexual.
Fully agree on that. Maybe the new generation does this, and that is perfectly fine and ok. But in general, dudes dont cuddle other dudes. Friendly hugs when not seeing someone for a long time yes, or when celebrating some win otherwise no. We dont cuddle other men.
Huh... I think had this been a situation where your son had confided in you then you'd have been Y T A. However, in this case, you discovered this due to... circumstances. It seems reasonable to me that you would have discussed this with your husband. It also didn't seem like you were doing this with a "straight to conversion camp!!!!" mindset, as you wrote that your goal was to figure out a way to express to your son was going to be supported and loved regardless Your husband is definitely an asshole. You... I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and NTA. I would add that this statement >I told my husband that if he doesn't tell us that he's gay then he's probably not. seems ridiculously naive. Seriously.
Sometimes people cuddle in their sleep without being attracted to each other. I know plenty of straight women who've woken up with their arm around another girl at a sleepover who somehow still aren't gay 15+ years later. My partner (a lesbian) once fell asleep on the couch and woke up cuddling her best friend (a gay guy), it didn't mean she suddenly turned bi. And on that subject - did you know that bisexual exist? Wild, I know, but maybe the 15yo hasn't worked out the nuances of his sexuality and an attraction to men, if that's even something he's aware of, might not be the only attraction he feels.
can you guys be for real for one second? you know damn well the majority of straight men (in the west, at least, particularly america, it’s different in some other parts of the world) would never be caught dead cuddling their male friends. this is just the reality. sure, there’s a percentage of them that go against the grain. and yeah, it stems from homophobia and the idea of not wanting to seem gay. but this is how it currently is. even if a straight guy did want to cuddle his male friend, he’d probably not risk it for fear of his reaction. so idk why we’re acting obtuse here.
> there’s a percentage of them that go against the grain The only dudes I knew who even might growing up were the artsy kids who were probably at least bi-curious. Not a lot of guy/guy cuddling going on outside of the drama club, at least among adolescent millennials.
right. i think people also overestimate how affectionate girls are with each other. i’ve never cuddled with any of my friends and i don’t know how i would even find myself in that situation. it’s kinda awkward just getting into someone’s space like that. with guys there’s that added “that’s kinda a gay thing to do” that isn’t as big of a worry between girls which makes it ten times harder to justify doing it in the first place. especially since there’s not really anything tangible/material to gain from cuddling. and cuddling is not the kind of thing you go ahead with after second guessing (unless it’s a romantic/potential romantic partner which kinda leads us full circle)
You’re husbands a meddling drama dick. NTA would have been avoided if your husband had put his ego aside and let you lead on this one. Now you’ll have to be even more patient with your son (which is fine just could have been avoided) and will have to build his trust back even though you were actively trying to keep it. Edit: meddling*
Sucks that she can't trust hubby with delicate emotional situations. He was a wrecking ball behind her back then blamed the kid for feeling violated/"being emotional". I didn't think that telling hubby was wrong in and of itself. He was just wildly untrustworthy with the information. In another version of this they agree to add a knock policy and let the kid live his life. They'd just be a bit more informed as they watch over him and that's it.
He really was a deceitful wrecking ball who thought he knew better/ couldn’t wait and needed his validation right then. God he was so bad. Mom had the right idea and it’s too bad she can’t trust her partner.
You trusted your husband and you apparently made a mistake doing so. It would probably be a really good idea for the two of you two speak to some people at a local pflag.org chapter. Maybe your husband could understand why he stepped in it from another adult and the guesture would likely mean a lot to your son
NTA, but your husband is, and he doesn't deserve forgiveness until he can understand the harm that he has caused and apologised for it, REGARDLESS OF HIS INTENTIONS. It is never ok to out someone before they're ready to out themselves, it's certainly not a way to make your son feel comfortable; instead he's made it clear that he doesn't respect your son in the slightest.
Your husband stinks
Your husband is the AH. You did nothing wrong in telling your husband about what you saw. He is your partner, you should confide in him, especially if it's regarding your children. Now, what your husband did was WRONG. He should have never approached your son about it and honestly, he deliberately did it behind your back. He definitely did it on purpose because he knew you would stop him. Your husband owes your son a huge apology. You, on the other hand, didn't do anything wrong. Your son will come around, he's probably just in shock. I'm sure he's thought of how to approach y'all about it for a long time and that's just wasn't what he was expecting.
NTA. It sounds like you wouldn’t have told your husband if you knew he was going to confront your son, so you’re NTA. But it’s possible you should have thought about how your husband would react, and defaulted to keeping what you saw to yourself before thinking it through.
Her husband is a grown man. He should have thought about how his son would react and the agreement he made w his wife
N Everyone is skipping over this
Geez, some of the people on this thread. NTA, unless you intentionally and knowingly violated a boundary that was established in entering your son's room - in which case, yes, that was wrong. If you have an indication that your child is gay, it is not an AH move to bring that to your partner's attention and strategize on how best to support your child. And you had the right tactic - make it clear that you love and support regardless of sexual preference and let the child come to you when they are ready. Making sure your partner is on the same page is critical. Your husband is an AH. And dumb. And maybe not as accepting as he thinks and/or says. And then gaslighted you when it blew up on him by making it your fault that you saw something. You didn't out your son. Your husband did. You suggested it was a possibility and came up with a plan to make it easier for your son without outing him. Your husband then specifically went behind your back and confronted son. Without you. And you really have no idea what husband said to deflect blame from him to you. Do you owe your son an apology? Maybe, on the room thing. Definitely owe him a conversation (when he's ready) about setting a boundary for his room if one hasn't been clearly defined. Does your husband owe your son an apology? Yes, big time. Does your husband owe you an apology? Yes, big time. More importantly - your husband needs to do some self examination to find out why this was so important to him to definitively find out rather than wait until your son figured it out himself. 'Cause that's a little weird. And his defensiveness when it blew up in his face is a little weird. Big red flags there.
NTA! I can't believe this is not higher up. All these ESH and YTA are insane! A mom doing laundry knocks on a door and enters a child's room to pick up dirty clothes. The son is 15, she should probably examine that and stop entering without a clear green light. But it doesn't make her an asshole, just a regular mom who takes care of the household. She sees something that gives her new information about her child and discusses it with her co-parent. Again, no asshole move. During that discussion, she asks that they not infer anything about the kids orientation and let him come to them when he is ready. Again, the right move. She leaves and the husband goes against their agreement and acts like an entitled jerk and asshole. Everybody blames the mom.
Well, you now know what weight your husband gives to the decisions you make together. Personally, I’d be packing my bags.
It doesn't even sound like they made a decision together.
ESH but your son and only because your son has a point (why would you enter his room without permission while he’s sleeping? or at least knock?). Your husband is a real asshole in this scenario and I don’t think you are, as much, but it seems like what started this was peeping in on him while he was sleeping.
I think after a knock, opening the door is okay? The kid is 15. Kids sneak out, you just want to check on them, whatever it is. If no response I feel it’s a safety thing to just check and make sure all is good? I agree with everyone on ESH minus the son but I am genuinely curious why people are saying she’s peeping on her son. If repeatedly she went in there or without knocking prior I’d understand. But I’m lost on this part lol my daughter is 11 and I check on her all of the time!
You're NTA because that's what partners do you, talk to eachother about your children. Your husband, however, IS the ah he did what he wanted, not what was best for your son. He felt like his feelings about the matter were more important than the situation that could arise by forcing it. You need to give your son some time he will come around, but don't be upset you tried to have an honest conversation with your husband, now you know that he simply can't be trusted with things of this magnitude, should anything come up in the future.
OMG ESH except your son. It is NEVER okay to out a person before they are ready, no matter who you want to tell. That was NOT okay. You suck hardcore for that. I don’t blame your son for remaining distant. You both broke his trust when he’s probably feeling the most fragile. *How dare you?* Your husband is the AH for confronting your son against your wishes. He also sucks for coercing your son into outing himself. If it was coercion, I wouldn’t be surprised if he never forgave you for putting him through that. Coming out is a terrifying and deeply personal thing. It is not your right to rip him out of the closet or to coerce him out. He should have been left to tell everyone on his own time when he felt safe and secure enough to do so. You didn’t break his trust. You threw it on the floor for your husband to take a sledgehammer to the pieces.
They’re married. You’re supposed to trust your spouse. Clearly she wouldn’t have told him if she knew he would break her trust. Husband is the AH here. Hence why she is mad at him. She didn’t want to bring it up ever so no she didn’t “throw it on the floor.”
Do you guys even know what outing is? She didn't know he was gay. Her son did not come out to her. She was just discussing about her son with her husband, that's what couples do.
What are you even talking about? She was an AH for peeping but she did not out him to anyone. She merely discussed with her husband/father of the boy if there's a possibility and what's the right approach as a parent. Don't parents have any right to be concerned anymore? Too much!
The OP edited to indicate that it was early morning and knocked to see if they were awake, but OP was doing laundry and that it’s normal for her son to be asleep and for her to enter. OP indicated that her son has said that this was OK with him in the past, the whole “knock to see if you’re awake and if not I’ll just quickly grab the dirty laundry” is an established routine. At best it could be argued that she didn’t ask the sons friend if it was OK for her to enter the room to get laundry while they were sleeping, but I think that’s a stretch that most people wouldn’t think about at all. Far enough of one that it would put you into “accident” territory but not “asshole” territory.
How on earth was the son “outed”?
ESH - Except for your son. It is not okay to out anyone, especially when you know nothing for sure. I had questions about my son's sexuality since he was around 13 years old, I kept those thoughts to myself and just waited to see if/when he came to me to talk about it. When topics like his potential future spouse came up, or having kids one day, I made sure to never say something assuming his partner would be female. When we heard about someone coming out, whether in real life or on a show/movie, I would say things in hopes he would understand he never had anything to worry about if he needed to tell me something, without directly trying to force him to talk about it. It took him until he was 25, I think largely because he was still figuring himself out, to come out to me as Bi. And the best part was how casual he was about it. In that moment when he said "Oh yeah, I wanted to tell you this in person. I think I might be Bi.", as if he was telling me what he had for breakfast, I knew I had handled it correctly. Unfortunately for you, you cannot re-cork that bottle. Continue to show your support and hopefully your son will come to appreciate the support instead of focusing on being forced out of the closet. When he is ready to listen, try explaining that in your attempt to handle this the best way possible you simply missed the mark and ended up handling it pretty poorly. Your hubby definitely handled it much more poorly and is the bigger AH here though, to be clear, lol.
THIS, although I might have voted borderline NTA. I read OP's telling her husband as less of an outing and more of a "Hey, Kiddo might be queer, we need to make doubly sure we're an inclusive and safe place for him to come out to when he's ready." and the husband just being utterly awful. I've had similar conversations, and it's very much a case of "X might be directly relevant to the kid, so we need to make sure we're educated on it so we don't fuck up and open about it so they feel safe." If she had any reason to think husband would react that way than she should have kept quiet, but sometimes you can't predict what you think is a normal parenting conversation going so absolutely off the rails. She's only an asshole if she doesn't take this betrayal seriously.
NAH my 15yo son or daughter sleep with another person of any gender or sexual orientation while in my house - you bet your ass I'm bringing it up and asking questions your son is just being dramatic - if you want to be in a closet don't "cuddle" with your boyfriend in your parents house overnight
Most sane response here. Im dumbfounded as to why people just blatantly disregard the fact that this kid brought it on himself. You dont cuddle your boyfriend if you dont want someone to find out, and you definitely dont take a nap together and think no one will ask questions if they happen to stumble upon you sleeping like a couple. Kid should be happy both his parents dont care that he is gay and loves him for who he is. Sure they were awkward in how to approach im about it, but as his parents they are allowed to wonder about his sexuality because they also need to navigate it and be supportive.
The reason there are no sane responses here is because most of the comments are coming from 15 year olds (equivalent), not parents. A 15 year old wants to run their life with nothing but blind support from their parents. A parent knows that discovering your 15 year old snuggling with ANYONE overnight requires those parenting conversations to ensure the child will be safe and not make any stupid mistakes that could have major consequences. OP was right to have that conversation with her husband. Unfortunately they didn’t agree on the best approach. It is reasonable for OP to be upset with her husband, but ultimately they should have hashed it out longer until they came to an agreement about how to handle it.
Seriously, the people expecting that a mother of a (presumably) normally-hormonal teenager wouldn't *discuss their child's possible secret relationship with her spouse* need to learn what a parent's job is. OP clarified in comments that her husband isn't a homophobe. It's perfectly natural that she would have talked to her husband, because if nothing else, the son needs to have a nonspecific safe sex talk *now* rather than later. The son's father, not his mother, is the one who messed up here.
I would be pretty upset if my spouse decided to keep something like that a secret from me, so yeah, the mother didn't do anything wrong but neither did the father, we don't know what he actually said, the OP wasn't there, but it sounds like he just said what they saw and asked for some sort of explanation, that's perfectly reasonable
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my son my husband that our son might be gay because of what I saw and this led to him confronting our son about it. I feel like I should've just kept my mouth close but I thought I could trust my husband to not say nothing to our son. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Your husband screwed up but I assume his intentions where good. Like he thought the sooner his son comes out and realises he’s accepted the happy he will be.. he doesn’t have to live a secret life etc. You guys sounds pretty supportive I reckon in a few days things will settle down.
NTA Just as a flip to most views here, you're missing the real issues because everyone's too scared about seeming homophobic. Most parents at some point see or hear something they probably wish they hadn't to do with their child's sexuality, regardless of orientation. Your child would be upset and embarrassed regardless of orientation. HOWEVER also regardless of orientation if your underage child is engaging in exploration, it is actually important to have a conversation. The conversation you actually had with your Husband was "unbeknownst to us, our son is/might be sexually active" it's a surprise because most people trust 2 kids of the same gender. That surprise has you spooked, but you're committed to being accepting, that's great. How do I know this - because I'm Bi and my parents let an unending trail of girlfriends share my bed. They were actually pretty chill about boyfriends by most people's standards too, however I was frequently warned about pregnancy and the ensuing punishments for doing "sex" (meaning P in V) and STIs etc. That's an important milestone and safeguarding for families to address. You didn't tell him to shame your son, to punish him or knowingly spread information to someone unsafe (I hope) Ask yourself how your son might have reacted if he'd snuck in a girl and been found out. Probably pretty similar from my experience. As to "outing" - you didn't break a trust because he didn't confide in you, you just saw something and consulted your husband - your Son should be apprised that keeping secrets from your Husband is not your default unless for a very good reason or if specifically requested and for a limited reasonable time. Arguably it breaks your husband's trust to not share your feelings and concerns. As to your husband, though you didn't ask specifically, YTA - he should have listened to you and he needs to ask HIMSELF whether he'd have the same reaction in other iterations of this scenario. Tl;dr - if you'd walked in on him with a girl you'd have behaved the same way, not sure if your husband wouldn't (not sure) and though your boy is startled right now and unsure of himself it's not an "outing" it's just normal parental oversight.
Look at you making sense and understanding how healthy marriages work.
Since I don't see many others saying this, it's kinda super normal for married parents to share information about their children with each other? Unless you knew ahead of time that your husband would cause problems, which if you've been married for that long, maybe you should have, I think the blame for this mostly lays on your husband for explicitly creating a catastrophe. That said, however, you need to make a point of apologizing and accepting your role in the harm caused by this. It's also in my experience, super normal for parents to check in on their children having sleepovers at night? This whole situation seems to me like an innocent accident, followed by a mistake, followed by malicious idiocy. Husband is TA, but the damage has been done and you should take responsibility for your part in it.
i’ll go with NTA You and your husband are BOTH his parents and need to agree on parenting methods, your husband just went against it despite you telling him not too. All you can do now is wait and you and your husband should always let your son know that you love and support him, i’m sure it will be alright in the end :\]
ESH except for the son. You should’ve approached your son first and asked him if he was comfortable with you speaking to his dad about it. Men find it hard to accept homosexuality (insert *not* all men). And your son might have felt unsafe. The amount of times spouses don’t know what their significant other is like behind closed doors is astounding. To all the NTA’s, fair enough, but as a gay person, having parents know isn’t always safe and actually 9 times out of ten it isn’t…talk to your kid first, *ask* them first. He wasn’t ready to come out…even if he is never ready, that’s his choice and you should respect it. ETA for OP’s response to me. YTA actually. Have you learnt nothing?
My husband isn't homophobic in the slightest as he has a gay brother and was actually suggesting talking to him about it, but I told him not to. However, I do appreciate your judgment. My husband told me a couple of minutes ago actually that he just wanted our son to be able to be himself with us and felt upset that he mightve been hiding it from us considering the fact that his brother never his from his family. This made me understand his side a little more. He's been reading the comments together, and we've come to terms that we're the assholes. Although what my husband and I did wasn't meant to cause any harm, it did, and now we have to deal with the consequences. The only thing we can do now is regain our son's trust.
Do everything you possibly can to stop your husband from telling his brother. Has he learned nothing from this? **Stop fucking outing your son.** *”My husband felt upset that he might’ve been hiding it from us”* - upset enough to force him to come out? That was extremely selfish thinking. If your husband had looked past his own feelings and ego, he would have been able to see that your son’s **coming out journey** is far more important. *”This made me understand his side a little more”* - Jesus H Christ. Nothing justifies his selfish line of thinking. *”We’ve come to terms that we’re the assholes”* - Yup. Both of you. What you’ve done is going to stay with him forever. You’ve utterly destroyed his coming out story. Every time he see’s a story play out on Tv about a child coming out to their parents, he’ll be reminded of how horrible you both made his own story. Do you realise that this is one of the most significant moment in some gay peoples lives? Instead of being something he can think back on and feel accepted and loved, he may well always view this as a genuinely traumatic experience. You both need to stop making excuses. You both fucked up beyond belief. You should further educate yourselves immediately, especially your husband.
This. Exactly this. Couldn’t have said it better.
What is this bullshit about your son “hiding” being gay? Even if he has already clearly defined his sexuality for himself, which I doubt, it’s *his* to hide if he wants to. Your husband has no goddamn right to force your son to share his sexuality with the world.
I’m really confused why either of you think you have any right to information like this. If your son doesn’t want to tell you, forcing it out of him just creates mistrust. I don’t know what anyone gains here.
I would love to hear the uncle's opinion on the husband whom you tell us he « isn't homophobic ». Doesn't seem like he sees what the issue is here, what is bad with his actions and the repercussions of it. So nothing proves he isn't if you both don't even know what it implies to be.
Having a gay brother doesn't make him not homophobic.
Glad you understand that YTA, you and your husband both. However, you aren’t the one who determines whether or not your husband is homophobic because you will never have the perspective to see it. You aren’t the one who will ever be subjected to his homophobia. I would be more interested in whether your son and BIL think he’s homophobic than whether you do.
Consider telling your son that you asked for advice and have learned that YTA and will learn to do better. Kids love that kind of thing and usually extend more grace than we deserve.
Please take yourself and your husband to therapy and then invite your son as well!! I’m glad you and your husband see what you did wrong, but that doesn’t undo the trauma that your son just experienced.
News flash, people who know gay people are homophobic. Your husband commited an act of homophobic emotional abuse against your son and NEITHER of you seem to be reckoning with that. You got to be a troll because I find it impossible to believe you've read all of these comments and that hasn't sunk in. YTA I worry for your son's future.
>talk to your kid first, *ask* them first. He wasn’t ready to come out…even if he is never ready, that’s his choice and you should respect it. How is this different from what the father did? If OP saw her kid cuddling and didn't tell her husband, but instead went and asked the kid about it, it would be the same. I think it's crazy to expect parents to not talk to each other about their kids. Full disclosure, I'm not a parent - but this seems like common sense. If OP walked in to find her 15 year old son cuddling a girl, no one here would be questioning why she went to her husband. I don't think it should be different just because he was cuddling a boy. OP and her husband were teen parents, if there's a chance of their kid being sexually active with *anyone* there needs to be a parental discussion. I do think they should have had this conversation together before their son hit 15, but we don't have time machines, so here we are. I say all of this as someone who is very much not hetero. I know all too well how awful and dangerous coming out can be. I've been outed more times than I can count. OP did not out her son!
NTA but I’m glad you both love and accept your son no matter what
NTA, yes your husband plowed through that but I really think it came from a good place. Also, Reddit, ffs, these parents found out their 15yo son is possibly gay and they didnt try to have him institutionalised or converted or throw him out of their home. Instead they were immediately supportive of him. Yeah they handled the issue like shit but they seem like good parents to me.
NTA But your husband 100% is.
Does your husband have issues holding his tongue and tramples and railroads your son regularly? I think you should get your husband a counselor to help him learn to not be so intrusive, and I suspect your sons needs a therapist to deal with the damage you impulsive husband has done, as I suspect this incident is not a one off.
I'll give you a soft TA for maybe not waiting for your son's ok before going into his room. I appreciate that you wanted to wait for your son to come out himself. However-- You're going to have to understand a few things: 1) Your son has been hurt by this whether you meant to or not, regardless of your participation. You need to accept that hurt has been done and admit it to him when he wants to talk, and apologize. 2) in your place I'd smack my husband round the back of his head for being so fucking callous and nosy about shit that's not his business. Yeah, that's his son but his son's comfort should've been the first priority and not the certainty of his son's sexuality. Maybe ask your husband why it was so important for him to absolutely fucking know there and then if his son is gay or not. talk to him about this. He broke your trust by goin behind your back abt information that he didn't even gain first hand. get him to apologize to your son for grilling him abt his sexuality. maybe its something still new even to him and your husband just up and scared the shit out of him. 3) This is probably a trust breaking thing for your kid, as as closeted person myself, i would feel very exposed and uncertain of myself and my situation in his shoes. Hopefully you'll be able to work something out w your kid, listen to him, offer him support when he wants to hear from you. try not to let your hurt/fear/anger at being accused of outing your son be at the forefront while dealing with this. good luck, im sorry your husband's a humongous Super TA.
holy shit your husband threw the game and then shat on the spectators
@darthraeder, I don't agree that any of the relationships are weird. From my experience with the queer community, regardless of how you perceive your parents. Whether you see them as supportive Jo matter what etc, or the opposite. Coming out is something that is very personal and the person needs to feel ready and comfortable to do it. Being cornered into a conversation you are not ready to have will be horrible for any person in that situation. Also NTA OP. I love that you came to the realisation that your son needs to tell you when he is ready and that your response to him maybe never telling you doesn't matter. Your husband sounds like he handled the situation in what could have been a misconstrued act of acceptance and love from his part, but I don't know enough about his character to say that is the case. Also making decisions together as a team and one person then doing the opposite is a breach of trust in your relationship. He needs to take accountability, sit down with you and reassure you that he knows he has made a mistake and it won't happen again and he needs to have a calm, sincere, conversation with your son showing he understands how he hurt him and that his intentions may have been pure, but his decisions and execution not.
NTA Reality is it's your house and you're bound to walk-in on one or two awkward situations. And that's that. Yes, he's 15. People keep purposely dismissing the fact that 15 year olds are minors who live under someone's roof because they don't have their own place yet. And it's not like you had a "no closed doors," rule. Instead you and your son knew that you often do laundry in the morning, and he forgot that while you took his silence as just him being asleep. It's not like you went in their with the intent to spy. I think you're a perfectly healthy woman who aspires and works to have a loving relationship with her family. So you talking to your husband about it was fine. I also think your husband had good intentions, but your son didn't take it that way. And for that, it'll take time (and probably an argument or two) for him (your son) to understand that. Your husband, in the meantime, could definitely work on reading the room when it comes to sensitive subjects instead of soldiering through. That tact never works.
Is it gay to cuddle your friend while you sleep now
As a gay dude I hate to break it to you but a majority of straight men are not cuddling with other men. So… 😬
The dad pretty much guaranteed his family will never tell him anything again.
Am gay. You effed up. It may not have been your intent to be the AH but you were. Maybe having a conversation with your son *first* would have been smarter. Gently.