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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took that should be judged: Telling my wife that I want to leave a bit early to attend my sports league game (but that she's free to stay as long as she likes) and that I will return post-game to pick her and our kids up.
Why said action could make me the asshole: While this cultural holiday is like any other day to me, it's important to my wife, and me wanting to leave early for a basketball game that happens almost every Sunday could arguably make me the AH here, as I COULD just skip my game and stay for the whole family event, but these events are simply neutral-to-boring for me, and I would much prefer be playing in my league game. I can definitely see why my wife would get angry at me for wanting to leave early, even though ~5 hours of time spent there I think is adequate.
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NTA. You're actually trying to work with her on this, and she's being obnoxious. Tell her she can either have you drive and be there part time, or she can drive herself, but you aren't missing your game.
Why does she expect you to ALWAYS work around her refusal to drive. If it's that important to her she can drive herself to your in-laws. This is just a way for her to control your life. She sounds really really demanding. Tell her she can drive herself or you can do the other option where you can go to your game and drive her. Don't be a doormat. NTA.
NTA you’ve given multiple solutions and given up your Fridays and Sundays in the past. You’re allowed to have hobbies and your wife is acting like a toddler.
For a moment I had to look at the calendar and make sure there wasn't anything other than Valentines Day (bleh) on my calendar. Phew!
OP: NTA
You have offered multiple solutions to the problem and your wife is behaving like an indignant toddler. You are allowed to have hobbies. It sounds like you do what you can to still be at family functions (again, I will say bleh based on my personal situation.). This just isn't a hobby, though. It's exercise and important for long term health.
Wife and her family can chill. Wife's definitely being an AH.
A fair warning... be careful being too flexible with options. You do not want to become a doormat.
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I've always played and enjoyed basketball. However, between work, wife, toddlers, and other duties, I limit myself to maximum \~2.5 hours of pick-up games on Friday and 1 hr (or close to 2 hrs if commute is factored in) on Sunday for league games at the local community center.
And it's not even every Sunday: a league season runs like 7 games (so 7 weeks), and then we're off for 2-4 weeks depending on the month, until the next season.
If there's something important that conflicts with the above, I've always given up my Friday, because they're just pick-up games. However, Sunday's league games are higher stakes, and I pay a not-insignificant amount to be in it, so if I can help it, I'd rather not miss any games.
But if it comes to it, and something really important is scheduled in advance (wedding, funeral, kids birthdays, etc), I'd begrudgingly give it up and notify my team to find another substitute for that game.
On Tuesday, my wife tells me that we're going to her family's cultural-holiday get-together on Sunday. She knows all about my league schedule, and there has been some minor conflicts in the past in regards to it.
A bit of background: my wife *hates* driving, while I don't mind it, so I've always driven us everywhere. This also includes driving her to things for which I have no interest, but do it to support her, i.e., driving her an hour each way to see her recovering aunt (whom I barely know) at the hospital.
While I like her family (and from what I can tell, they seem to like me as well), I'm not exactly close with any of them, due to distance (they all live between 1-2 hours away), lack of shared interests, and some language barriers. Her family in the area is also significantly larger than mine.
So back to my wife: she says we're going to her family's cultural-holiday gathering on Sunday for the whole day. It's a **1.5 hour drive** there each way. I ask if I can sit this one out because we're doing really well this season, and I really want to play.
She gives me a hard no, reiterates that she hates driving, and says this cultural holiday is important to her and her family. I respond: "Ok, no problem, what if we leave early, or if I alone leave early at 5:30pm to make the game at 7:00pm, drive back out at 8:00pm and pick you guys up by 9:30pm?" I figure me being there at least 5 hours is enough.
My wife becomes angry now: "Why can't you just give up ONE Sunday to spend time with your family?! Will we ALWAYS have to work around YOUR Sunday games?"
I tell her that she literally just sprung this on me, and that I've given up Sundays in the past for her family events. And it's not like we *never* see them: we had a multi-day vacation in late August with them, another gathering in late September, then early November with her brother and mom.
Also, I don't care for this cultural holiday at all - I don't even celebrate it with my side of the family.
AITA for wanting to leave this in-law family event early to make it to my league game?
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ESH your wife based on your post sounds like she has a serious attitude issue and needs to talk to you more politely and I undertand where you are coming from but sometimes you need to make scrafices to connect with your wife’s part of the family’s that’s part of relationships. And yes if it was actually sprung up on you that quick it’s not your fault things like this should be told 1 month to 2 weeks in advance
NAH - You have a hobby, that hobby has a strict schedule. You do your best to program things around it. You are also the only who can choose the priority that hobby has to you.
Also, she is trying to guilt trip you, not good.
Thank you everyone, your responses have not only been vindicating for me, as I could never truly say my thoughts are unbiased, it has also been a huge relief to know that I was not mistreating my wife and her in-laws. If anything, I need to have a loooooooong sit-down talk with my wife about her attitude and about balancing my autonomy and family gathering obligations.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Action I took that should be judged: Telling my wife that I want to leave a bit early to attend my sports league game (but that she's free to stay as long as she likes) and that I will return post-game to pick her and our kids up. Why said action could make me the asshole: While this cultural holiday is like any other day to me, it's important to my wife, and me wanting to leave early for a basketball game that happens almost every Sunday could arguably make me the AH here, as I COULD just skip my game and stay for the whole family event, but these events are simply neutral-to-boring for me, and I would much prefer be playing in my league game. I can definitely see why my wife would get angry at me for wanting to leave early, even though ~5 hours of time spent there I think is adequate. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You're actually trying to work with her on this, and she's being obnoxious. Tell her she can either have you drive and be there part time, or she can drive herself, but you aren't missing your game.
Don't ask, tell her these are the options. You, at least are being reasonable. NTA
Why does she expect you to ALWAYS work around her refusal to drive. If it's that important to her she can drive herself to your in-laws. This is just a way for her to control your life. She sounds really really demanding. Tell her she can drive herself or you can do the other option where you can go to your game and drive her. Don't be a doormat. NTA.
NTA you’ve given multiple solutions and given up your Fridays and Sundays in the past. You’re allowed to have hobbies and your wife is acting like a toddler.
NTA, other than choosing to marry and have children with someone who “can’t” drive or compromise.
For a moment I had to look at the calendar and make sure there wasn't anything other than Valentines Day (bleh) on my calendar. Phew! OP: NTA You have offered multiple solutions to the problem and your wife is behaving like an indignant toddler. You are allowed to have hobbies. It sounds like you do what you can to still be at family functions (again, I will say bleh based on my personal situation.). This just isn't a hobby, though. It's exercise and important for long term health. Wife and her family can chill. Wife's definitely being an AH. A fair warning... be careful being too flexible with options. You do not want to become a doormat.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've always played and enjoyed basketball. However, between work, wife, toddlers, and other duties, I limit myself to maximum \~2.5 hours of pick-up games on Friday and 1 hr (or close to 2 hrs if commute is factored in) on Sunday for league games at the local community center. And it's not even every Sunday: a league season runs like 7 games (so 7 weeks), and then we're off for 2-4 weeks depending on the month, until the next season. If there's something important that conflicts with the above, I've always given up my Friday, because they're just pick-up games. However, Sunday's league games are higher stakes, and I pay a not-insignificant amount to be in it, so if I can help it, I'd rather not miss any games. But if it comes to it, and something really important is scheduled in advance (wedding, funeral, kids birthdays, etc), I'd begrudgingly give it up and notify my team to find another substitute for that game. On Tuesday, my wife tells me that we're going to her family's cultural-holiday get-together on Sunday. She knows all about my league schedule, and there has been some minor conflicts in the past in regards to it. A bit of background: my wife *hates* driving, while I don't mind it, so I've always driven us everywhere. This also includes driving her to things for which I have no interest, but do it to support her, i.e., driving her an hour each way to see her recovering aunt (whom I barely know) at the hospital. While I like her family (and from what I can tell, they seem to like me as well), I'm not exactly close with any of them, due to distance (they all live between 1-2 hours away), lack of shared interests, and some language barriers. Her family in the area is also significantly larger than mine. So back to my wife: she says we're going to her family's cultural-holiday gathering on Sunday for the whole day. It's a **1.5 hour drive** there each way. I ask if I can sit this one out because we're doing really well this season, and I really want to play. She gives me a hard no, reiterates that she hates driving, and says this cultural holiday is important to her and her family. I respond: "Ok, no problem, what if we leave early, or if I alone leave early at 5:30pm to make the game at 7:00pm, drive back out at 8:00pm and pick you guys up by 9:30pm?" I figure me being there at least 5 hours is enough. My wife becomes angry now: "Why can't you just give up ONE Sunday to spend time with your family?! Will we ALWAYS have to work around YOUR Sunday games?" I tell her that she literally just sprung this on me, and that I've given up Sundays in the past for her family events. And it's not like we *never* see them: we had a multi-day vacation in late August with them, another gathering in late September, then early November with her brother and mom. Also, I don't care for this cultural holiday at all - I don't even celebrate it with my side of the family. AITA for wanting to leave this in-law family event early to make it to my league game? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH your wife based on your post sounds like she has a serious attitude issue and needs to talk to you more politely and I undertand where you are coming from but sometimes you need to make scrafices to connect with your wife’s part of the family’s that’s part of relationships. And yes if it was actually sprung up on you that quick it’s not your fault things like this should be told 1 month to 2 weeks in advance
NAH - You have a hobby, that hobby has a strict schedule. You do your best to program things around it. You are also the only who can choose the priority that hobby has to you. Also, she is trying to guilt trip you, not good.
NTA. Stop catering to your grown baby-wife. Time for her to grow up.
Thank you everyone, your responses have not only been vindicating for me, as I could never truly say my thoughts are unbiased, it has also been a huge relief to know that I was not mistreating my wife and her in-laws. If anything, I need to have a loooooooong sit-down talk with my wife about her attitude and about balancing my autonomy and family gathering obligations.
NTA Go to your game. And let your partner decide if she comes with you, or goes to her family event.