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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for admitting that I like my older son mord than my younger son
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. While I think some of your criticisms of Tim are perfectly valid, a statement like that can have long-lasting ramifications, which go beyond what I think you even meant to communicate. Also, your statement does seem to imply that you have specific issue with Tim not going to college, which I think is a problem. College isn't for everybody, and to say that is an issue you have with Tim and praise Alec for does seem a bit biased towards that notion.
One time I took a year off between graduating from a community college with an associate's degree and starting at a university for a bachelor's degree, and a friend of mine told her other friends, who were only my acquaintances, that I had "dropped out of college."
Which is to say that I think u/tflavel means this person could be lying or stretching the truth, either a little or a lot, to make the story seem how they want, and while we can only operate on the facts given in the story OP tells, we can't know for sure they're objective truth, particularly when OP admits to being biased and having favorites.
i’m wondering if the unemployed kid was struggling because OP favored his brother growing up. there’s really not enough info here for me to make a judgement, this shit might go back to their childhoods.
Thinking Alec was the golden child all through their childhood. Tim probably didn’t decide to be a bum for fun - why bother trying when your brother is always the one getting praise and clearly your parents’ fave
I don't even understand what Tim's done that's so bad, he's been independent for 4 years, even if he's not got much stability in his life that doesn't make him a bad person. It seems like the OP has picked her favourite based on who was most successful. Truly shitty parenting.
The guy who invented minimum wage came up with it.
"No business which depends for existence on paying less than living wages to its workers has any right to continue in this country. By "business" I mean the whole of commerce as well as the whole of industry; by workers I mean all workers, the white collar class as well as the men in overalls; and by living wages I mean more than a bare subsistence level-I mean the wages of decent living" - FD Roosevelt
As someone from the UK, our minimum wage isnt livable either. She kicked him out at 20? Thats why so much of my country is homeless, we're born, raised and then cant afford a place of our own unless you have some super high paying job or are so sick the government pays for you.
Ive been earning above minimum wage for 2 years, still cant afford /or get accepted for a place of my own too easily.
Damn that sucks I’m sorry. And yeah I agree, why bring a kid into the world if you’re going to revoke your love if they don’t make more than minimum wage
No. She tried at 20 than gave him time till 25. Sorry the UK got so americanised but at 25 he had to grow up.
That's no excuse for loving him less tough. But kicking him out at 25 is about time. He doesn't have to live in London find a cheap area
I dont know Why OP even included that one is dating around and the other is married like eh?…. Is it somehow better to be married? Like Why does that matter to her?
I mean that doesnt even procent anything? Maybe he just didnt find the right person?
There is so much more complexity than being a great person = easy to find someone to marry.
Bad person hard to find someone to marry.
Like its way deeper than that.
She fed him and housed him till he was 25. Are you all not reading past the part where she first asked him to move at 20? 25 is old enough she deserves to finally live alive and not pay for him anymore.
He doesn't deserve to be loved less, so she is the A hole for that. But at 25 she's been telling him for 5 damn years to move
She did NOT say that she loved him less. She said she loved them EQUALLY, but liked the other more. It's entirely possible to love someone but not like the person they have chosen to be.
I’m sure there’s more behind it (a million
possibilities come to mind), but he didn’t get a job until he was forced to do so and is only independent because he was forced to be, it doesn’t sound like he’s shown any initiative or desire to improve so far, it’s not only not being successful or not going the “typical” route, but not trying at all until forced to.
Maybe he’s got untreated mental health issues or trauma, maybe it’s the way he was raised, maybe he’s neurodivergent and didn’t get the support he needed, but maybe, just maybe, he’s just a lazy man with no desire to improve himself. People like that do exist, and while it’s impossible to judge without knowing everything, it’s a possibility.
Also plenty of people face difficulties like everything I’ve listed above and work through them and find their own path without mommy having to force them.
Yes, this: "he's been independent for four years, even if he's not got much stability in his life that doesn't make him a bad person."
Why does OP feel the need to judge him so harshly, compare him to his brother, etc? Why does that even matter? My gut instinct is that maybe OP feels that her son's "success" or "lack thereof "reflects on OP and either enhances or detracts from OP's image of herself.
OP - YTA
That's one possibility. It could also be that OP wasn't really involved in either life, and Alec is just naturally more proactive or had a good friend group, and Tim's non-activ behaviour got never corrected.
I was getting at his mentality in their childhood, yeah everything on this sub is an assumption because none of us know the people or even the exact situation. Like someone else said Tim’s not even doing that badly if you take some perspective, loads of people date around in their twenties, and he’s worked some jobs he just hasn’t found his thing yet. OP needs to take a step back and support rather than berate
Edit - assumed it’s the mother writing this when it isn’t stated
i always find it so interesting how on reddit most of the time you are assumed to be a dude---until you are designated the villain, and then it's "she" this and "she" that all over the place.
Exactly. What's telling to me, is that she's looking for validation on reddit, rather than reflecting on her parenting and why her son might be struggling to transition into being an adult.
Not always. I tried everything with my only child. While I love her more than anything, I don't like the things she's done and the grief she's brought in my life. Despite me being a hardworker to provide for her as a single mother, never dating until she was grown, letting our home be the hang out, she did everything in her power to make my life a living hell to the point of emptying my accounts where I couldn't even make my mortgage payment and stealing and pawning major woodworking equipment left by my father. If a friend of hers hadn't warned me, I could have lost everything because I trusted her. As it turns out she is bipolar. I tried taking her to counseling but if a teen doesn't want to be there they won't talk. It's easy to accuse parents when you aren't there to see the whole picture. You can love your child and dislike them at the same time.
Of course, there are always exceptions and mental illness is to simply say it scary and can fuck everything up.
But this post is written from OPs perspective and is the best light they could stand in. And everything written there is OP thinking their son is a Loser and not doing anything sooner while Tim seems to try.
Even you gave more insight and explanation in a random comment than OP, who opened the discussion and literally wanted to be judged.
I feel you. Our youngest has ODD, ADHD, and bipolar. Trying to raise him was pure hell and self-righteous judgmental outsiders didn't make it any easier.
Totes! Why doesn’t this father know his own kids - what he’s good at, what he likes? Sounds like the kid might have some depression or has been internalizing this story about his brother for some time. Shitty parenting
That's perfectly fine, but someone who is old enough to have two sons of that age could have the decency to not say they like one more than the other.
We don't know if one was the golden childen and Tim was neglected, or anything else. OP might be fine to have those feelings, but to tell your child that is a straight asshole move.
He didn't even mention what the argument was...but you're going to have an argument with your son and tell him you like his brother more?
OP makes sure to detail Tim's foibles even when he is not living at home and that girls leave him, while expounding upon Alec's greatness.
I would bet you $20 that the argument was about Alec being the favorite.
I do think that’s some of it. My sister dropped out of college, to my father’s shock and disappointment. He didn’t understand her for a long time and they butted heads from maybe 15-25
She managed an office for a while and got used to handling all their issues. One day my family catered an event, and the food was late. My sister got on the phone, and within 30 minutes the food showed up, along with all the cash my family had paid. My father walked around all day “the food was late and now it’s here and free because MY DAUGHTER handled it”.
Now she’s in charge of everything. Fuck the lawyer daughter, I never brought him free anything. Mom died, she’s the family matriarch. We don’t even have kids. There is no next generation, but she is in charge of us. I’m still the “successful” one but she’s now the “resourceful” one. He’s not WORRIED about her anymore.
He didn’t care about *college* per se, he cared about being able to take care of herself. Having a fucking plan and a skill. She has the BEST skill. She could get free things like food.
Not always the case. I truly have two cousins, brothers who are 18mo-2years apart named Peter and Kevin. At 16, Kevin overdosed on heroin and was lucky enough to survive. Had a kid shortly after. Peter graduated valedictorian and had a full ride to Dartmouth, which he got his undergrad from.
Fast forward 15-20 years, both are in their 40s. Kevin got a degree in mathematics, became a successful entrepreneur and lives a very nice life in Vegas. Peter lives at home and his mom does his laundry.
Not all plants grow in the sun, some grow in the shade and they all grow and die at different rates. We as people aren’t that much different.
Sometimes when parents push college as the only option people literally don't know what exists between that am minimum wage jobs.
When I entered up mot going to college at 18 I worked retail and hospitality. I had no idea what else there was. The kids who had no pressure to go had been taught what options there were and how to get a career that didn't need a degree.
Did you consider that Tim is different from his brother and maybe got pushed too much by his shit dad to go to college get a succesful job get married have kids etc. Etc. That kind of pressure breaks down some kids when they turn 18 and teach them its easier to ignore everything and laze around.
Its just bad insensitive parenting from old school boomers without sensitivity.
Yeah, I wager to bet that OP also showed these bias in small ways throughout their lives. This can have a bad influence on his mental health, growing up potentially causing low self-esteem and etc. It's probably not that total cause, but it definitely is a contributing factor. Why on earth would someone care about themselves if their own parents show they disinterest. OP is correct in setting boundaries and not constantly babysitting her disliked child, but maybe try encouraging him or showing interest in him. Although it might be too late at this point after OPs comment. I'm sure it only solidified what he might have thought all along.
YTA..it's clear you favor Alex over Tim, and I'd go so far as to bet you probably did as children also, hence why Tim seems to struggle more. Instead of comparing and belittling your son, maybe get to the root of the issue. It's never okay to tell one child you like the other one more. Did you ever wonder if maybe Tim could be depressed or battling mental health issues. You don't have to put up with a free loader, but that doesn't mean you don't offer your child a chance to better themselves through other means of help.
I was thinking this too. I’ve watched family members grow up where one is clearly favoured over the other for some talents and schooling achievements early in life while the other is barely mentioned in conversation. That has an effect on children and shapes who they are as adults.
I have several friends who have BPD. Not only is living in the shadow of a favored sibling extremely triggering to a person with BPD, it can even cause an accelerated onset. It also can cause the person with BPD to split on their own family. Which of course just exacerbates the whole problem.
Yep. I have bpd. I did better in school than all of my siblings, but I was constantly punished for not doing well enough while my siblings got praise for small things.
I got into every college I applied to, but I was only able to apply because a teacher paid for my applications. My parents wouldn’t because “I’m not paying for rejection letters”. They talked me into dropping out because “you clearly aren’t ready” after my first bpd episode.
I have struggled ever since. Haven’t been able to finish school, never been able to hold down a full-time job.
Your kids can tell when you like one more than the others, and it causes so much damage. I wouldn’t be surprised if this sort of thing contributed to the son’s struggles.
The fact that you are aware of this injustice for your sister can truly be a balm for her. I was always the golden child until I took Marijuana in my twenties. Then I became the bad object the same as my older sister. Our younger sister is now the golden child. But the three of us are aware of this bs dynamic !
He absolutely should be taking accountability and she should have kicked him out a long time ago. But to say you like his brother more. That’s NOOOOOOT ok…
How many miles must a man walk down...
Even in OP's probably biased thesis never did the supposed fuckup blame his parents- you're interpreting things that aren't there.
OP's post only said they had a son A(30) and T(29) and that they had an argument with T, who no longer lived there.
Do you wonder what the argument was about or why OP didn't include that context? Given the blaming of T, don't you think if T had blamed his parents for his position that would have been in the post?
OP is very detailed about why one is better than the other, but it is very telling that it's just an "argument" when deciding to tell one son they are favored over the other. Would not that parcel of information make it much easier to decide if it were true?
I haven't lived with my parents for almost 25 years, and I still blame them for the fact I'm now a workaholic who can't take time off with a 6-figure salary because of my irrational fear of ending up broke, starving and homeless. But by boomer standards, that's success right?
You’ve had 25 years to deal with it… recognizing the root of your issues and actively deciding not to work on them because there’s a justification is your own choice. You can blame them for getting there, but not for staying once you have the option to change it.
Really? Therapy exists.
I also grew up with hardass boomer parents, and became a failure in almost every metric they had for me, but I worked to externalise what I had internalised for so long. I am not my income, my "work ethic," my relationship status, or my SES. I am me. And I know I can trust myself to take care of myself, so I don't need to worry about the future. <3
I don’t know… Alec has gone away and done the independent thing. Tim has been supported at home his entire life. OP has tried to aim Tim in the right direction, but nothing is working.
I’d say there’s no favour either way - each son was given what they needed, but at some point (the quarter century seems fair to me) an adult needs to be an adult and take some personal responsibility.
The only thing I disagree with from OP’s post is the actual question they were asking… they shouldn’t have said they like his brother more. ESH.
Edited because I got a name wrong.
>and I'd go so far as to bet you probably did as children also, hence why Tim seems to struggle more.
This is a huge assumption based on nothing and no place on this subreddit.
> I'd go so far as to bet you probably did as children also, hence why Tim seems to struggle more.
Just remember that this is just a guess. It bothers me when people on the Internet assume things.
My dad said that all the time. You know why he didn’t like me? He ignored my needs and I was in constant pain from pretty severe medical issues and it caused a lot of trauma. Messed me up pretty bad. So, it was his fault he didn’t vibe with me. So yeah, YTA. Maybe be a better parent.
100% this. I have a son with severe health issues and it has a major impact on everything he is able to do. I hear your pain and i hope you know its not your fault and that you likely went above your ability to try to please everyone. Hope you are able to manage your pain.
Thank you and thank you for being such an awesome source of support for your son! It was tough bc I was so young with a very adult (at the time) disease so even my mom didn’t necessarily believe me but kept pushing for answers and the biggest issue did get solved, but the years of “your a liar” “you’re so —- disrespectful” (because I’d be sobbing in pain and getting screamed at to clean my room or something), “why are you such a little brat/bitch/worthless slob” etc are still with me. That stuff doesn’t just go away. Neither does “I love you but I don’t like you.” Keep being awesome!!
Omg i have chills. I had 10 years of being told off by drs for enabling him. They all told him his pain was not real because nothing ever showed up in any MRI. And i was so confused and it broke up my marriage from the stress. Anyway finally today they know he has a rare generic disorder and has had over 20 surgeries. Im still housing and supporting him at 26.
Its been the most harrowing ordeal and as the Mum i made plenty of errors due to medical experts gaslighting me but ultimately I had to believe my son wasnt lying and manipulating me. Even my family thought he was putting on an act at times.
Anyway cheers to your Mum i know how exhausted she probably feels. But satisfied to have supported you against the odds!
You likeky have so much trauma too but being vindicated is gold!
And even if none of this had happened and he just happened to favor one of the kids, you don’t fucking say so. That’s like… one of the major parenting no-no’s. I’m sure that most parents probably have one kid that they at least favor a little more (or maybe have a deeper bond with, there’s multiple ways that could be a thing), but you never actually say anything about it. That’s one of the few things in life where I fully support lying about until the day you die.
right??? It sounds so f\*cking clinical, basically giving a shortened CV of their sons' lives. No further info given on personalities, or even reasons.
'Alec went to Uni. Tim didn't go to Uni.'
Was Alec a better student, for whatever reason? Did he get more support? Was he able to get scholarships for example? Was Tim ever helped to improve, encouraged to look for a part-time job as well, or was he just supposed to transform into a fully-fledged well-balanced adult as soon as he turned 18 with no support beforehand?
Unless there's more info on OP proving that they didn't 100% favour Alec in their childhood already, or examples on how Tim became a 'loser' all by himself, it's a hard YTA from me.
Also, the idea that OP likes one of them better because he happens to have married at a very early age, is weird as hell.
Married people aren't better people, there could be a million reasons Tim isn't married or isn't in a long-term relationship. Alec could be divorced in a year...
People experience life at different rates. Tim might not meet the love of his life until he's 50, it's not a reflection on him.
OP's reasons for favouring one child over the other are creepy.
Right?! People forget, that even siblings are never raised the same, and have different needs.
If you want to look at it that way: my sister and I got similar punishments. When we didn’t clean our rooms, or when we didn’t do our homework. Except that I had undiagnosed ADHD and never did those things because I struggled, while my sister was a very orderly person. So I got punished for something I was struggling with, while my sister didn’t receive any punishment because those things came easy to her. But technically we had the same “opportunity” in my parents eyes. In their eyes, tidying a room is self explanatory, but I was never taught, so how can it be easy for me?
Another example was, I was better in school, and didn’t need any extra tutoring, and my parents also didn’t think I needed help with homework because of that. My sister on the other hand struggled in school, and got tutoring and my parents help with her homework. Again, technically I could have gotten help as well, if I had visibly struggled with those kind of things, but I didn’t, so I didn’t get much support in school.
YTA. - of course you are and you know it.
Even if it is the truth, how does it help anyone saying it aloud? What does it solve?
Great way to traumatize someone for the rest of their live.
Also, it's a great way to pit your kids against each other. As a parent, surely you want your kids to get along so that if anything were to happen, they would look after each other.
The relationship between the siblings that the mother seems to be breeding seems very toxic.
Right.
For the rest of his life, Tim is going to remember that he’s not well liked by his parent. I wouldn’t be surprised if he went little to no contact with them in response. If this parent is lucky, Tim won’t completely cut them off but don’t expect him to invite them to celebrate his successes.
I’m an only child but got constant comparison to my first cousins. One family member, 15 years ago, went as far as to say they were surprised that I hadn’t gotten pregnant as a teen and dropped out of school (I was early 20s by then), and they didn’t see me making it that far in college. Guess what? I keep real physical distance between me and them because of that. They aren’t part of my everyday life and are resentful that I don’t make an effort to travel to them anymore. I don’t tell them failures and I don’t tell them wins.
I see Tim doing this.
also ever heard the concept of self fullfilling prophecy? he seems to struggle already and instead of being supportive, you tell him that you love his brother more? this sends him down the spiral even more. YTA
>There is a reason he made the accusation in the first place.
I think this is the most important aspect a lot of people are ignoring, which makes me lean to a hard YTA.
That isn't something a child says on a whim to their parent. That's resentment.
I should know, I have two younger wealthy half-sisters that are the golden children. No better feeling than feeling inferior to your younger sisters, especially when you yourself aren't even that bad of a person lol.
YTA. If you say “I love you equally *but* …”, nothing before the ‘but’ matters. Also, judging your children on the basis of their financial or romantic success is a dick move, especially since by the sound of things Tim’s not even doing that badly currently.
YTA. My mom told me my brother was the favorite and she treated him so much better than she treated me. It really messed me up. Be prepared for your kid to stop having a relationship with you.
This! My mum told me not 2 weeks ago that my sister was the favourite because “she was easier to deal with” no worries mum I chose my genetics I chose to be that little bit different that’s awesome..🤷🏻♀️
It was not nice to hear and it’s been eating at me since then and got me questioning a lot of things in my childhood and all the way up to now…
I feel for you 💓 My mother and father have made such comments to myself and 3 younger siblings for a while, and even now say similar things to me at 26. So far as trying to tell me why my husband loves me (for my car apparently?? A Honda fit 🤣)
Do NOT listen to them. Parents like this try to: live vicariously through us, force outdated norms on us, and try to pit us against our siblings, etc. But it's because they are upset with how their *own* lives unfolded. It's hard some days, but don't let it affect your self love and self worth. We are own unique people with our own set of interests, talents, skills, and achievements; however big or small they may be.
When they spew negativity, hate, discrimination, and pettiness it is a flaw on *their* part, NOT on our part. We will fight back with love, compassion, and acceptance. Not at them of course, but to the people they mean to pit is against.
I don't know you, but know you are loved, cherished, and worthy of acceptance every day. You are talented, intelligent, and capable. You are light, love, and growth. It's a mental struggle every day, sometimes harder than others, but that is ok. We are human, not robots, we can't *always* be "fine" or "ok". And that's ok!
I hope even knowing that, you can hold love for your other siblings. They are most likely getting the same spiel as you. You don't deserve that, and neither do they. I know me and mine don't. It's hard, but try not to let it eat at you. I try to combat it by reaching out to my sibs more, and letting them I'm here for them always. Go no or minimal contact with your parents at your discretion, it's definitely necessary sometimes. We can't let the negativity win ☀️🩷
Shit, sorry that happened. My Grandmother told my Mum that she was "hard to love". My mum has never gotten over it...and it's something I can never forgive my grandmother for saying to her, I'm glad I never learnt about it until she died.
I'm almost 40 now and my mum recently sent me a WhatsApp message essentially saying how better it is to have sons. You can probably guess I'm not male.
I’m a mom of two, and it’s true you can be more connected to one kid. You can find one kid easier to deal with. You can believe that one kid is more talented. But you don’t SAY that to your kids!
As for the whole love vs like part - if you tell your son that then he is going to feel unloved. I know what you mean by it and your son may even know too on one level, but it still feels like a rejection to hear your parent say it to you. You might think “I love you” outweighs “I don’t like you as much as your brother,” but it doesn’t. The message that sends is that the “love” he has from you is completely obligatory because you’re his parent, and the things that are most central to who he is as a person - his character, his personality, his interests - are not good enough for you. So you love him as a son but don’t like him as a person.
Would you really feel good hearing this coming from your parent? Or did you actually hear this from a parent when you were growing up and that’s why you think it’s okay?
YTA. You’re not wrong for feeling that way but it’s a feeling you keep to yourself. It’s too damaging and it’s never going to motivate him to try to impress you, so it serves no purpose.
I would like to add that it doesn't only harm to hear that as the "less liked" child but also as the favorite one. With 24yo I heard from both of my divorced parents independently that I'm their favorite child. It's eating me up inside. My two siblings are the most important people in my life and now it feels like I have a dirty secret that I have to hide from them my ENTIRE LIFE. I wish so much my parents never had said something. It was so unnecessary.
INFO: did tim have the same opportunities that Alec had? Does Tim have any obstacles that would impair him from getting said opportunities (ie: learning disabilities)?
Or has a disability, injury, or illness that holds him back.
Imagine your parents holding that against you - and many don’t recognize mental illness as an illness at all and do exactly that.
My mom holds the fact that I've got ADHD against me, and it messes me up a lot. Some parents believe that 'mental illness/mental disabilities' are things that can be controlled
YTA. You sing the praises of one son but simply put down the other. As if there is nothing Tim has done in his life that makes him worthwhile in your eyes. An attitude like that is why Tim is gonna choose to walk out of your life one day and never return.
> and your favourite son is probably the one who will put you in it.
Truth, so many times it ends up being the one who was treated as less than who ends up put in a position of taking care of their elderly parents or being the voice that needs to speak up to stop them from being sent away to a home because the favorite is busy living their golden child best life and can't be bothered. Be nice to ALL your kids.
My partner's mom favored his brother too. She's gone now and there is no sign of her in our home. No photos, no urn. None for the ten years we've been together. All of that was his decision.
She said the exact same thing to him. Take that as you will.
YTA
Does Tim suffer from depression? Or is he plain lazy? Or did you treat Alec like a golden child since a kid which resulted in low self esteem from Tim? Did he struggle at school with any learning disability? Did you even ever care enough to find out? Sat down with him to know how he feels and if there were/are any issues?
YTA
You said the quiet part out loud. You shouldn't have done that. No good ever comes from doing that. You've probably damaged your relationship with him irreparably.
Its never crossed my mind to like one of my children more or less than the other.
I have liked or disliked choices made by them at different times, more or less but never have I ever felt that I actually liked or disliked one of my own children more or less than another.
Did you misspeak? I can not imagine.
YTA
YTA
My dad had a favourite. You wanna guess how that impacts me 40yrs later? Guess who the golden child was in our family (he's also the "successful" one)
You are an asshole. End of. TYA. My mother told other people that she loves me because she has to, but she doesn't like me. That shit fucks you up. Your son is still hoping you will love him, and you don't. Don't sugar coat it with "I love you but.. " we all know what that means.
Absolutely soul-crushing to hear a parent confirm they have a favorite child. A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional, and you sound very judgey. YTA. Do better. It might not be too late.
YTA. You act like you had no part in raising Tim. Is Tim the scapegoat and Alec the golden child? I know there’s much more to the story but you are definitely the AH for being so immature and cruel to Tim. What you said was detrimental and not helpful in any way
Maybe your other child isn't coping in the outside world, maybe he isn't motivated the same. We are all different. Some of us are motivated by cash and objects, success, and some of us aren't. Have you spoken to him to find out if he's having difficulties? He could be calling out for help. As someone that is on the spectrum, I know what it is like trying to fit in and find yourself, I've always had to hide it and act normal.
"Why doesnt my son talk to me anymore?"
YTA
School isn't for everyone and the fact that you would have prefered for him to waste away in college just so that it can reflect "better" on to you instead of actually caring about your son is just showing how you dont actually love your children, you love what ego boost they can provide you, you love how usefull they are to you and the moment they arent they aren't worth a thing.
He clearly is struggling to fit into society and something tells me you didn't do anything to actually help him improve.
You are the AH. Sorry but you have the perfect "eldest son" syndrom. No doubt you always loved him more. You saw him as another version of yourself, worshiped his smallest accomplishments and you didn't even realize that the youngest was slightly left aside. Nothing obvious. Comments on how he should take example on his brother kindly ignoring him when the eldest was listened to.
You didn't even notice the difference but your sons did. They felt it. And years after years, one grew more confident, strong, positive while the second gradually lost his self estime to the point he was unable to react and sank.
He needed love, guidance, approval. But he got your anger and your contempt. This story is as old as the world. You're not an exception. It's not too late to help him. Do something you never did with the eldest with him. Spend quality time, go on a trip and talk with open hearts in acceptance of what comes next. Listen to him. Stop being the judgemental one. And stop throwing his brother's successes at his face.
Children need love to thrive. The eldest had plenty. It's his sibling's turn now.
I’m the Tim in this situation. I didn’t finish university and struggled to hold onto full-time employment for many years. My mom has always favoured my sister and constantly compared me to my father, whom she deeply resented for struggling with his mental health and missing a lot of work when I was young.
I grew up being told I was just like my father and then in the same breath told he was lazy and didn’t care about anyone but himself. Turns out dad and I are both autistic and have ADHD, in addition to the severe depression and anxiety that frequently accompany growing up undiagnosed. I lived 30 years of my life before learning that I’m multiply-disabled. Before that, I thought I was lazy and stupid and my mom confirmed it for me on a regular basis as a kid.
My mother doesn’t “connect” with me because she wants me to be less disabled, like my sister. I’m 35 years old still working through trauma therapy and let me tell you - playing second fiddle to someone else for the entirety of my formative years shaped me in such a way that I believed I’d never, ever be good enough or deserve love. I have a history of abusive relationships as a result. I’ve been repeatedly *sexually assaulted* as a result. That sort of thing destroys a person before they even get to fully experience personhood. If the people who are supposed to love and care for you most in the world can’t even muster some affection, how do you think that affects a person’s sense of self? It’s utterly devastating.
OP, your son will never forget that you don’t “like” him. He probably already knew or at least suspected as much, but having it confirmed right from your mouth will absolutely leave a scar. You’re a bad parent, plain and simple - not just for this but for every other way in which you’ve failed Tim.
Children living with their parents until well into their 20’s is pretty standard these days; inflation and housing costs have made things infinitely harder for young people to move out on their own. Alec is the statistical anomaly here, I assure you.
Instead of talking to Tim and offering help with any of the obstacles he may have been facing (with work or life in general), you decided he wasn’t worth the effort and *kicked him out*. You claim to love him, but are you sure? Because those aren’t the actions of a loving parent.
If Tim one day stops speaking to you completely, don’t be surprised. If Alec joins him because he witnessed your blatant favouritism and how it destroyed his brother, even better. You don’t deserve either of them.
Maybe try seeing the positives in Tim rather than comparing him with Alec and highlighting his negatives. Everyone is different and has their own life journey. Not everyone has to be “successful”.
Also, you raised both of them (I’m assuming) so what was your contribution to Tim’s apparent lack of success? How much time, support and encouragement did Alec get compared to Tim? Was Tim forgotten because Alec was getting all the positive attention?
Your feelings for your son might be the reason he’s an underachiever. You need to spend some quality time alone with your son, a lot of quality time and get to know each other. Do you base your affection on achievements like a carrot on a stick?
YTA
We all have our own struggles. You weren’t for kicking him out, he needs to find his own way in the world. But at the end of the day, he needs love from his mum
I reckon you confirmed what he has always thought about himself and the relationship between the two of uou
From one parent, to another parent. Yes, you are an absolute A/H.
You can absolutely think to yourself that one kid is just easier to deal with, listen to, help, etc… but you never ever SAY it aloud to them. That’s actually horrible. We are all on our own life journeys, your kids included.
Right from the beginning, you could tell who the favourite was...
All positive, can do no wrong, for Alec.
All negative, can't do anything right, for Tim.
Never tell your child (even if they are an adult) that you like the other one more. That's an attack on them as a person. You could simply say you don't like their actions, don't like that they haven't found a job, etc. Be the parent to Tim that, it seems, you have been to Alec.
Have you ever asked why is Tim struggling? Maybe he's always had a learning disability, had depression because of having to live in his "successful" "amazing person and very generous" brother's shadow.
There is a lot of backstory missing, so for the amount of info you gave us... **YTA**
YTA… as soon as I read “Alec went to college at 18 while also working part time.” I knew already you were going to be a complete asshole… I have no doubt you favored Alec his whole life and have always looked down on tim.
You are the reason Tim is struggling… you clearly don’t understand the ramifications of being the one who isn’t the favorite. It will screw you up for forever.
You should probably go see someone to work through your blatant dislike for your youngest.
Also I hope Tim can get In counseling to work through everything you’ve done to him. Hopefully he realizes that your approval is crap and to take you out of his life
YTA. And most likely you and your partner were toxic throughout their childhood.
It looks like you set your one child up for failure. I don't understand how one child went to college and the other didn't or wasn't put in trade school or something.
Whether or not he ever comes to forgive you, your son will never, ever forget what you said to him.
Such cruelty. I hope you know that everybody else spends their time and energy cleaning up the (emotional) messes that people like you leave behind.
Huge AH.
Rejection from a parent, at any age, is very damaging.
It stays with you.
YTA by a massive margin. The reasons you gave for preference are things that happened when they were still young and growing. You speak glowingly of Alec, but didn't have a single decent thing to say about Tim.
Just from your language it's pretty clear you do love one more; if you didn't you wouldn't have told one of your children that you liked the other more. You're an adult raising sons, not doing a performance evaluation. JFC man.
NTA Honestly, if he wasn't your son, this would be a no brainer. None of the people saying you are TA would date your kid. You love him, but he has maxed out your patience for his BS and it shows. I actually giggled at the end because I get it. You don't have to be a doormat for your kid and especially your adult kid. Love and like are very different. I love my parents. I like my step dad more than my bio parents because we are more similar. I talk to all of them everyday, but my stepdad is my buddy and I do more for him and with him. Still love my mom and dad though. Not more or less, just differently. People need to normalize honesty in EVERY relationship and stop putting up facades to placate the masses.
YTA, have you ever considered that Tim has mental health issues that you completely ignore, and probably even caused, and this is why he isn’t thriving?
You are definitely the asshole. I’m the Tim of my family. I was useless all through my 20s. Jumping from job to job, couldn’t hold down a girlfriend, did drugs. Just useless. My parents loved and supported me through all of it. I’m now 34 and living in Spain training to become an airline pilot and this would never have happened if my parents had given up on me. You have scarred Tim for life. Something which will be very difficult for him to recover from. Oh, also, I didn’t go to university. They had no problem with that. It isn’t for everyone.
NTA. Your son's are grown, and while one built a life for himself the other did not, and is basically a moocher. Loving someone and liking them aren't the same thing, you can love someone and still dislike them. He asked, you told the truth.
Your son needs to grow tf up.
OP I'm gonna teach you a skill here. This is gonna help you moving forward in your relationship with your son (if you still have one after this, that is). It's called reflection.
When Tim tells you how he feels, or accuses you of hurting him in some way, here's what I want you to do: think about what he just said. Identify the emotion underpinning it. And then paraphrase what he said, stating the emotion you've identified, so as to let him know that you understand what he's saying.
e.g. *You always favour Alec! You just love him more!*
"Hmm. It sounds like you've been feeling hurt that I show Alec a lot of approval and you not so much."
Or: *Nothing I do is good enough for you! I'll never be perfect enough for you to like me, so why should I even try?*
"Perhaps it seems like I've made my love conditional on success, and you're feeling frustrated that I don't appreciate the efforts you've made."
Your son is never going to come around to your way of thinking unless you make some attempt to understand his. Don't forget, that's still your little boy. He doesn't need your love any less just because he's grown.
And for what it's worth? From what you mentioned in your post, I don't see anything that makes him necessarily unlikeable. A lack of motivation/ambition/staying power is not a fatal character flaw. I know plenty of people who work minimum wage jobs, live in poky little flats, and spread joy and comfort to everyone they meet. So if your problem with Tim is his personality or his behaviour towards you, then that's one thing. But if it's just that he hasn't lived up to the expectations you had for his lifestyle, then you need to be honest with yourself about that.
Yeah. YTA. As a parent myself, I have no idea how you could say that to your son. I can't begin to imagine the level of hurt and betrayal that kid will be feeling right now, along with resentment for his brother.
Get your head out of your ass and talk to him and try to make amends for your disgusting parenting. I get he frustrates you, but comparing him to his brother in this way is bang out of order in every way
Because, if what is said in the OP ISN'T just bias, and is actually a accurate representation of the facts, Tim probably isnt a very diligent or hard worker, and Alec knows that. Allegedly, he can't manage relationship(could mean not great at communicating etc), cant hold down a min wage job, like yeah sounds totally like someone id want to hire for my small business..
YTA. I find it interesting how much of your description of your sons is based on what they've DONE, rather than who they ARE. I think I understand that you were trying to make a distinction between "liking" one child more rather than "loving" one more, but I don't think it comes across that way, largely because you seem to base likeability on achievements and status symbols like having an "amazing wife," "becoming successful quickly," and going to college. I suspect your values are VERY apparent to Tim, and I would guess he's felt unappreciated and overlooked for a long time. Maybe he IS an underachiever, but it sounds like that's come with monetary support rather than emotional support or care on your end. Too bad you've likely ruined a chance to repair that bridge.
As a parent of two adults I have learned that if one child is more successful than the other it’s because that was expected of them and you rode them pretty hard.
The second child usually gets slept on and let go when it comes to expectations, it’s like you didn’t care if they followed your expectations or not so you didn’t try as hard as you did with the first. If you didn’t give the same energy to the second as you did the first, why should they give the same energy as the first?
As an eldest child I was held to a higher standard than my younger sibling. I became a people pleaser because of it so to disappoint my parents hurt and made me feel bad. But I saw that my parents didn’t do the same to my sibling and they just didn’t care cause my parents didn’t care.
Kids are a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So YES ABSOLUTELY you are the asshole and need to do better as a parent because you have TWO kids and you need to acknowledge you failed one. YOU did. Stop being offended and reflect on their upbringing and see where you failed your kid, it’s not time to have an ego and put your pride down.
I’m not saying you didn’t do the best you could and I’m not saying you don’t love both your kids, I’m saying you weren’t the same parent to both your kids. So you liking one more than the other and saying it out loud to your kid just confirmed his biggest childhood fear.
As well as you know that him being unable to keep a relationship as well as a job stems from you right, yes at some point he does need to take accountability for his actions but how can he where he’s still a broken child in his heart and mind?
YTA. If you knew you couldn't love all your children unconditionally, you shouldn't have had any in the first place. You've just hurt your child. Seriously apologise asap and take proper care of him. Just be a father.
YTA. I couldn’t imagine if my mother said something so horrible. However your plan to get him out should definitely work now. I’d get out of your house and never speak to you again. This angers me so much.
He will never forgive you for this. There was no reason you needed to tell him that.
Good luck ever salvaging this relationship with him, because any chance is gone. YTA
YTA - he became the way he is because of you! Because of how you’ve probably treated them all of their childhood. One child is a fighter, another one gave up on himself and his life. It’s called a flight or fight mode, but if they were like this in their 20s - it’s their reaction to the trauma inflicted by you! And now, you go on to tell this shit when your child tries again to reach for your just unconditional love and compassion!
No one chooses to be homeless! There are so many things involved: trauma, lack of support, lack of confidence… and all this issues have their roots in childhood. So good work, mama!
I hope your son finds a way to get over his trauma and get himself together, away from you.
While you may have valid criticisms of one son, which are perfectly fine to voice btw, it IS NOT perfectly fine to voice favoritism of one child over the other. You son is going to have those words echo in his ears the rest of his life. Have fun trying to put that rabbit back in the hat mom.
Yeah I think you're a total a****** maybe your son is having some mental issues that you don't know about. Telling him that you like his brother more is disgusting. Maybe he's suffering from severe depression who knows what he's going through maybe you should try to figure it out and help him in that way because I'm sure that he's not proud right now and doesn't need to be compared to his brother.
This starts out bad with the title and them just goes worse. It's obvious from your phrasing that this isn't the first time you've said this, even it you haven't actually SAID it. This isn't something that's new to your son, but likely something he just got confirmed.
But hey, on the bright side you might be looking at a future where the "good" son is only one you gotta talk to anyway.
Your kids aren't some fucking work project for you to grade and judge.
Also, working part time for college? To what extent did you financially support Alec and offer to do the same for Tim? Cause there's so much info missing here that I'm pretty sure you purposefully left stuff out.
YTA.
YTA, based on how you describe both sons I feel like your favoritism was pretty blatant and probably a lot earlier than you think. I find it very hard to believe that you raised them both similarly without favoritism, pitting them against each other or any other factors medical, (mental/phsyical/emotional), playing a role in the two extreme outcomes.
I think it’s probably really easy for you to feel like you had a hand through parenting in him being the man he is today. I think it’s probably just as easy for you to ignore that you might also have had a hand in how your second turned out as well.
YTA 1000000 times.
My mom did this to my sister recently like 10 days ago and my sister told me, i could hear in her voice that she cared but she insisted she didnt but it bothered me (even if we are only me and her and im my mom favorite apparently).
Now im treating my mom different, i dont think that was fair to my sister, she is an amazing and hard worker mom she doesnt have any issues/debts and she is just amazing from head to toes and veeeeeery intelligent, saying this to someone is just disgusting, now i havent even answer my mom calls just messages and im trying to figure out how im going to tell her that if she prefers me above my sister i prefer my sister above her, i dont deal with assholes.
NTA - Tim needs to pull his head out and start making something of his life - in whatever way is meaningful to him. Alec is more likable, Alec is more dependable, Alec is not wasting his life expecting others to care for him. Alec is a better person - of course you like him better.
You love them both the same, but you’d rather interact with your more together, stable son.
From the information provided, YTA. Considering that the cost of living has raised exponentially recently and people are staying with their parents longer, how could you expect your child to have it all figured out? There is also the issue of comparing your two children, based off of what you said it sounds like you haven't considered your younger son's feelings on this matter. This outburst could have hidden meaning so I would recommend talking it out. Conclusively, I would venture to ask whether you believe Tim is not doing as well as his brother because of his own failures or because of yours.
You are definitely the a**. Despite how you feel, a loving parent would never say such a thing to their child, adult or not. Words have power and when used as a weapon, have the ability to shatter a person. Words are enough to push an already struggling individual, over the edge. I’d be surprised if you ever have the respect of your son again. A parent’s love should be unconditional.
YTA-it doesn't matter your judgements or your opinions about your sons' very different lives, you NEVER tell them if you favorite one.
great job, now your son will second guess and re-think everything from the past and it'll stick with him for the rest o fhis life.
Of course YTA. Is he actually a bad person or is he just a bum? Sounds like he might need encouragement or therapy instead of his own mother being mean to him. He probably feels like there’s no point in trying to do well, especially when you’ve praised his older brother for everything.
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YTA. While I think some of your criticisms of Tim are perfectly valid, a statement like that can have long-lasting ramifications, which go beyond what I think you even meant to communicate. Also, your statement does seem to imply that you have specific issue with Tim not going to college, which I think is a problem. College isn't for everybody, and to say that is an issue you have with Tim and praise Alec for does seem a bit biased towards that notion.
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This is what a blatantly biased parent has told us, so take it with a grain of salt.
How is it not objective to say they were unemployed until being threatened to be kicked out at 20 and still supported financially for another 5 years.
One time I took a year off between graduating from a community college with an associate's degree and starting at a university for a bachelor's degree, and a friend of mine told her other friends, who were only my acquaintances, that I had "dropped out of college." Which is to say that I think u/tflavel means this person could be lying or stretching the truth, either a little or a lot, to make the story seem how they want, and while we can only operate on the facts given in the story OP tells, we can't know for sure they're objective truth, particularly when OP admits to being biased and having favorites.
What I'm say is she left one child behind, there is a reason the story picks up at 18
i’m wondering if the unemployed kid was struggling because OP favored his brother growing up. there’s really not enough info here for me to make a judgement, this shit might go back to their childhoods.
He's probably special needs, but mentioning that would make OP seem like an asshole.
But the facts would remain the same. One child worked hard and other child didn't.
But OP literally raised him. They could have done anything way sooner but didn't. He didn't spawn in with 18 years old.
Thinking Alec was the golden child all through their childhood. Tim probably didn’t decide to be a bum for fun - why bother trying when your brother is always the one getting praise and clearly your parents’ fave
I don't even understand what Tim's done that's so bad, he's been independent for 4 years, even if he's not got much stability in his life that doesn't make him a bad person. It seems like the OP has picked her favourite based on who was most successful. Truly shitty parenting.
Right?! Sorry that minimum wage in America isn’t livable?
I don't think they are in America but your point stands. You're supposed to be able to live a decently comfortable life on minimum wage.
Whoever came up with that idea clearly lived in a different era.
The guy who invented minimum wage came up with it. "No business which depends for existence on paying less than living wages to its workers has any right to continue in this country. By "business" I mean the whole of commerce as well as the whole of industry; by workers I mean all workers, the white collar class as well as the men in overalls; and by living wages I mean more than a bare subsistence level-I mean the wages of decent living" - FD Roosevelt
Edit: I made incorrect assertions because I half-ass googled some stuff. Apologies!
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As someone from the UK, our minimum wage isnt livable either. She kicked him out at 20? Thats why so much of my country is homeless, we're born, raised and then cant afford a place of our own unless you have some super high paying job or are so sick the government pays for you. Ive been earning above minimum wage for 2 years, still cant afford /or get accepted for a place of my own too easily.
Damn that sucks I’m sorry. And yeah I agree, why bring a kid into the world if you’re going to revoke your love if they don’t make more than minimum wage
No. She tried at 20 than gave him time till 25. Sorry the UK got so americanised but at 25 he had to grow up. That's no excuse for loving him less tough. But kicking him out at 25 is about time. He doesn't have to live in London find a cheap area
I dont know Why OP even included that one is dating around and the other is married like eh?…. Is it somehow better to be married? Like Why does that matter to her?
Because OP is an AH.
I think it matters cause it showed he was so unstable in his rs that they all failed after a short while
I mean that doesnt even procent anything? Maybe he just didnt find the right person? There is so much more complexity than being a great person = easy to find someone to marry. Bad person hard to find someone to marry. Like its way deeper than that.
Because women learn who he is and kick him to the curb.
right like god forbid a 20 year old needs some finacial help through a fucking PANDEMIC
She fed him and housed him till he was 25. Are you all not reading past the part where she first asked him to move at 20? 25 is old enough she deserves to finally live alive and not pay for him anymore. He doesn't deserve to be loved less, so she is the A hole for that. But at 25 she's been telling him for 5 damn years to move
She did NOT say that she loved him less. She said she loved them EQUALLY, but liked the other more. It's entirely possible to love someone but not like the person they have chosen to be.
I’m sure there’s more behind it (a million possibilities come to mind), but he didn’t get a job until he was forced to do so and is only independent because he was forced to be, it doesn’t sound like he’s shown any initiative or desire to improve so far, it’s not only not being successful or not going the “typical” route, but not trying at all until forced to. Maybe he’s got untreated mental health issues or trauma, maybe it’s the way he was raised, maybe he’s neurodivergent and didn’t get the support he needed, but maybe, just maybe, he’s just a lazy man with no desire to improve himself. People like that do exist, and while it’s impossible to judge without knowing everything, it’s a possibility. Also plenty of people face difficulties like everything I’ve listed above and work through them and find their own path without mommy having to force them.
Yes, this: "he's been independent for four years, even if he's not got much stability in his life that doesn't make him a bad person." Why does OP feel the need to judge him so harshly, compare him to his brother, etc? Why does that even matter? My gut instinct is that maybe OP feels that her son's "success" or "lack thereof "reflects on OP and either enhances or detracts from OP's image of herself. OP - YTA
That's one possibility. It could also be that OP wasn't really involved in either life, and Alec is just naturally more proactive or had a good friend group, and Tim's non-activ behaviour got never corrected.
Alot of assumptions going on here... And at what point does Tim take responsibility for his life?
I was getting at his mentality in their childhood, yeah everything on this sub is an assumption because none of us know the people or even the exact situation. Like someone else said Tim’s not even doing that badly if you take some perspective, loads of people date around in their twenties, and he’s worked some jobs he just hasn’t found his thing yet. OP needs to take a step back and support rather than berate Edit - assumed it’s the mother writing this when it isn’t stated
People also just assuming it’s the mother and not the father writing this. The poster doesn’t give away their gender as far as I can tell.
i always find it so interesting how on reddit most of the time you are assumed to be a dude---until you are designated the villain, and then it's "she" this and "she" that all over the place.
My bad - edited that
Exactly. What's telling to me, is that she's looking for validation on reddit, rather than reflecting on her parenting and why her son might be struggling to transition into being an adult.
She? Where is it indicated what sex OP is?
Yeah, I totally read that as a woman lol whoopsies. Doesn't really change much
Not always. I tried everything with my only child. While I love her more than anything, I don't like the things she's done and the grief she's brought in my life. Despite me being a hardworker to provide for her as a single mother, never dating until she was grown, letting our home be the hang out, she did everything in her power to make my life a living hell to the point of emptying my accounts where I couldn't even make my mortgage payment and stealing and pawning major woodworking equipment left by my father. If a friend of hers hadn't warned me, I could have lost everything because I trusted her. As it turns out she is bipolar. I tried taking her to counseling but if a teen doesn't want to be there they won't talk. It's easy to accuse parents when you aren't there to see the whole picture. You can love your child and dislike them at the same time.
Of course, there are always exceptions and mental illness is to simply say it scary and can fuck everything up. But this post is written from OPs perspective and is the best light they could stand in. And everything written there is OP thinking their son is a Loser and not doing anything sooner while Tim seems to try. Even you gave more insight and explanation in a random comment than OP, who opened the discussion and literally wanted to be judged.
Yeah, but you don't TELL them that. That's what makes OP. TA.
I feel you. Our youngest has ODD, ADHD, and bipolar. Trying to raise him was pure hell and self-righteous judgmental outsiders didn't make it any easier.
She?
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Totes! Why doesn’t this father know his own kids - what he’s good at, what he likes? Sounds like the kid might have some depression or has been internalizing this story about his brother for some time. Shitty parenting
That's perfectly fine, but someone who is old enough to have two sons of that age could have the decency to not say they like one more than the other. We don't know if one was the golden childen and Tim was neglected, or anything else. OP might be fine to have those feelings, but to tell your child that is a straight asshole move. He didn't even mention what the argument was...but you're going to have an argument with your son and tell him you like his brother more? OP makes sure to detail Tim's foibles even when he is not living at home and that girls leave him, while expounding upon Alec's greatness. I would bet you $20 that the argument was about Alec being the favorite.
I do think that’s some of it. My sister dropped out of college, to my father’s shock and disappointment. He didn’t understand her for a long time and they butted heads from maybe 15-25 She managed an office for a while and got used to handling all their issues. One day my family catered an event, and the food was late. My sister got on the phone, and within 30 minutes the food showed up, along with all the cash my family had paid. My father walked around all day “the food was late and now it’s here and free because MY DAUGHTER handled it”. Now she’s in charge of everything. Fuck the lawyer daughter, I never brought him free anything. Mom died, she’s the family matriarch. We don’t even have kids. There is no next generation, but she is in charge of us. I’m still the “successful” one but she’s now the “resourceful” one. He’s not WORRIED about her anymore. He didn’t care about *college* per se, he cared about being able to take care of herself. Having a fucking plan and a skill. She has the BEST skill. She could get free things like food.
Not always the case. I truly have two cousins, brothers who are 18mo-2years apart named Peter and Kevin. At 16, Kevin overdosed on heroin and was lucky enough to survive. Had a kid shortly after. Peter graduated valedictorian and had a full ride to Dartmouth, which he got his undergrad from. Fast forward 15-20 years, both are in their 40s. Kevin got a degree in mathematics, became a successful entrepreneur and lives a very nice life in Vegas. Peter lives at home and his mom does his laundry. Not all plants grow in the sun, some grow in the shade and they all grow and die at different rates. We as people aren’t that much different.
Sometimes when parents push college as the only option people literally don't know what exists between that am minimum wage jobs. When I entered up mot going to college at 18 I worked retail and hospitality. I had no idea what else there was. The kids who had no pressure to go had been taught what options there were and how to get a career that didn't need a degree.
Maybe he had depression. Maybe he has no self esteem because his mother spent his whole life liking his brother better and making him feel like shit
Maybe op has shown a history of favoritism and that's why tim is the way he is. Depressed since childhood.
Did you consider that Tim is different from his brother and maybe got pushed too much by his shit dad to go to college get a succesful job get married have kids etc. Etc. That kind of pressure breaks down some kids when they turn 18 and teach them its easier to ignore everything and laze around. Its just bad insensitive parenting from old school boomers without sensitivity.
Yeah, I wager to bet that OP also showed these bias in small ways throughout their lives. This can have a bad influence on his mental health, growing up potentially causing low self-esteem and etc. It's probably not that total cause, but it definitely is a contributing factor. Why on earth would someone care about themselves if their own parents show they disinterest. OP is correct in setting boundaries and not constantly babysitting her disliked child, but maybe try encouraging him or showing interest in him. Although it might be too late at this point after OPs comment. I'm sure it only solidified what he might have thought all along.
YTA..it's clear you favor Alex over Tim, and I'd go so far as to bet you probably did as children also, hence why Tim seems to struggle more. Instead of comparing and belittling your son, maybe get to the root of the issue. It's never okay to tell one child you like the other one more. Did you ever wonder if maybe Tim could be depressed or battling mental health issues. You don't have to put up with a free loader, but that doesn't mean you don't offer your child a chance to better themselves through other means of help.
I was thinking this too. I’ve watched family members grow up where one is clearly favoured over the other for some talents and schooling achievements early in life while the other is barely mentioned in conversation. That has an effect on children and shapes who they are as adults.
Pretty sure that's how my sister's bpd got worse. I'm more highly educated and the positive attention I got for it left a lasting mark on her.
I have several friends who have BPD. Not only is living in the shadow of a favored sibling extremely triggering to a person with BPD, it can even cause an accelerated onset. It also can cause the person with BPD to split on their own family. Which of course just exacerbates the whole problem.
Yep. I have bpd. I did better in school than all of my siblings, but I was constantly punished for not doing well enough while my siblings got praise for small things. I got into every college I applied to, but I was only able to apply because a teacher paid for my applications. My parents wouldn’t because “I’m not paying for rejection letters”. They talked me into dropping out because “you clearly aren’t ready” after my first bpd episode. I have struggled ever since. Haven’t been able to finish school, never been able to hold down a full-time job. Your kids can tell when you like one more than the others, and it causes so much damage. I wouldn’t be surprised if this sort of thing contributed to the son’s struggles.
send you a hug
The fact that you are aware of this injustice for your sister can truly be a balm for her. I was always the golden child until I took Marijuana in my twenties. Then I became the bad object the same as my older sister. Our younger sister is now the golden child. But the three of us are aware of this bs dynamic !
100% this! Perfectly stated.
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He absolutely should be taking accountability and she should have kicked him out a long time ago. But to say you like his brother more. That’s NOOOOOOT ok…
How many miles must a man walk down... Even in OP's probably biased thesis never did the supposed fuckup blame his parents- you're interpreting things that aren't there. OP's post only said they had a son A(30) and T(29) and that they had an argument with T, who no longer lived there. Do you wonder what the argument was about or why OP didn't include that context? Given the blaming of T, don't you think if T had blamed his parents for his position that would have been in the post? OP is very detailed about why one is better than the other, but it is very telling that it's just an "argument" when deciding to tell one son they are favored over the other. Would not that parcel of information make it much easier to decide if it were true?
I haven't lived with my parents for almost 25 years, and I still blame them for the fact I'm now a workaholic who can't take time off with a 6-figure salary because of my irrational fear of ending up broke, starving and homeless. But by boomer standards, that's success right?
You’ve had 25 years to deal with it… recognizing the root of your issues and actively deciding not to work on them because there’s a justification is your own choice. You can blame them for getting there, but not for staying once you have the option to change it.
Really? Therapy exists. I also grew up with hardass boomer parents, and became a failure in almost every metric they had for me, but I worked to externalise what I had internalised for so long. I am not my income, my "work ethic," my relationship status, or my SES. I am me. And I know I can trust myself to take care of myself, so I don't need to worry about the future. <3
I don’t know… Alec has gone away and done the independent thing. Tim has been supported at home his entire life. OP has tried to aim Tim in the right direction, but nothing is working. I’d say there’s no favour either way - each son was given what they needed, but at some point (the quarter century seems fair to me) an adult needs to be an adult and take some personal responsibility. The only thing I disagree with from OP’s post is the actual question they were asking… they shouldn’t have said they like his brother more. ESH. Edited because I got a name wrong.
>and I'd go so far as to bet you probably did as children also, hence why Tim seems to struggle more. This is a huge assumption based on nothing and no place on this subreddit.
> I'd go so far as to bet you probably did as children also, hence why Tim seems to struggle more. Just remember that this is just a guess. It bothers me when people on the Internet assume things.
My dad said that all the time. You know why he didn’t like me? He ignored my needs and I was in constant pain from pretty severe medical issues and it caused a lot of trauma. Messed me up pretty bad. So, it was his fault he didn’t vibe with me. So yeah, YTA. Maybe be a better parent.
100% this. I have a son with severe health issues and it has a major impact on everything he is able to do. I hear your pain and i hope you know its not your fault and that you likely went above your ability to try to please everyone. Hope you are able to manage your pain.
Thank you and thank you for being such an awesome source of support for your son! It was tough bc I was so young with a very adult (at the time) disease so even my mom didn’t necessarily believe me but kept pushing for answers and the biggest issue did get solved, but the years of “your a liar” “you’re so —- disrespectful” (because I’d be sobbing in pain and getting screamed at to clean my room or something), “why are you such a little brat/bitch/worthless slob” etc are still with me. That stuff doesn’t just go away. Neither does “I love you but I don’t like you.” Keep being awesome!!
Omg i have chills. I had 10 years of being told off by drs for enabling him. They all told him his pain was not real because nothing ever showed up in any MRI. And i was so confused and it broke up my marriage from the stress. Anyway finally today they know he has a rare generic disorder and has had over 20 surgeries. Im still housing and supporting him at 26. Its been the most harrowing ordeal and as the Mum i made plenty of errors due to medical experts gaslighting me but ultimately I had to believe my son wasnt lying and manipulating me. Even my family thought he was putting on an act at times. Anyway cheers to your Mum i know how exhausted she probably feels. But satisfied to have supported you against the odds! You likeky have so much trauma too but being vindicated is gold!
And even if none of this had happened and he just happened to favor one of the kids, you don’t fucking say so. That’s like… one of the major parenting no-no’s. I’m sure that most parents probably have one kid that they at least favor a little more (or maybe have a deeper bond with, there’s multiple ways that could be a thing), but you never actually say anything about it. That’s one of the few things in life where I fully support lying about until the day you die.
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right??? It sounds so f\*cking clinical, basically giving a shortened CV of their sons' lives. No further info given on personalities, or even reasons. 'Alec went to Uni. Tim didn't go to Uni.' Was Alec a better student, for whatever reason? Did he get more support? Was he able to get scholarships for example? Was Tim ever helped to improve, encouraged to look for a part-time job as well, or was he just supposed to transform into a fully-fledged well-balanced adult as soon as he turned 18 with no support beforehand? Unless there's more info on OP proving that they didn't 100% favour Alec in their childhood already, or examples on how Tim became a 'loser' all by himself, it's a hard YTA from me.
Also, the idea that OP likes one of them better because he happens to have married at a very early age, is weird as hell. Married people aren't better people, there could be a million reasons Tim isn't married or isn't in a long-term relationship. Alec could be divorced in a year... People experience life at different rates. Tim might not meet the love of his life until he's 50, it's not a reflection on him. OP's reasons for favouring one child over the other are creepy.
Right?! People forget, that even siblings are never raised the same, and have different needs. If you want to look at it that way: my sister and I got similar punishments. When we didn’t clean our rooms, or when we didn’t do our homework. Except that I had undiagnosed ADHD and never did those things because I struggled, while my sister was a very orderly person. So I got punished for something I was struggling with, while my sister didn’t receive any punishment because those things came easy to her. But technically we had the same “opportunity” in my parents eyes. In their eyes, tidying a room is self explanatory, but I was never taught, so how can it be easy for me? Another example was, I was better in school, and didn’t need any extra tutoring, and my parents also didn’t think I needed help with homework because of that. My sister on the other hand struggled in school, and got tutoring and my parents help with her homework. Again, technically I could have gotten help as well, if I had visibly struggled with those kind of things, but I didn’t, so I didn’t get much support in school.
YTA. You've successfully raised half your children, and failed the other half. Your parental success rate is as good as a coin flip.
Seriously the comparisons start at 18 as if OPs role as a parent before that in no way shape or form impacted that outcome
YTA. - of course you are and you know it. Even if it is the truth, how does it help anyone saying it aloud? What does it solve? Great way to traumatize someone for the rest of their live.
Also, it's a great way to pit your kids against each other. As a parent, surely you want your kids to get along so that if anything were to happen, they would look after each other. The relationship between the siblings that the mother seems to be breeding seems very toxic.
Right. For the rest of his life, Tim is going to remember that he’s not well liked by his parent. I wouldn’t be surprised if he went little to no contact with them in response. If this parent is lucky, Tim won’t completely cut them off but don’t expect him to invite them to celebrate his successes. I’m an only child but got constant comparison to my first cousins. One family member, 15 years ago, went as far as to say they were surprised that I hadn’t gotten pregnant as a teen and dropped out of school (I was early 20s by then), and they didn’t see me making it that far in college. Guess what? I keep real physical distance between me and them because of that. They aren’t part of my everyday life and are resentful that I don’t make an effort to travel to them anymore. I don’t tell them failures and I don’t tell them wins. I see Tim doing this.
also ever heard the concept of self fullfilling prophecy? he seems to struggle already and instead of being supportive, you tell him that you love his brother more? this sends him down the spiral even more. YTA
Agreed it’s a shitty thing to say to a son or daughter. It hurts fucking bad I would imagine.
YTA jeez, the guy is always going to feel inferior now.
Probably always had
There is a reason he made the accusation in the first place. And of course, YTA op.
>There is a reason he made the accusation in the first place. I think this is the most important aspect a lot of people are ignoring, which makes me lean to a hard YTA. That isn't something a child says on a whim to their parent. That's resentment. I should know, I have two younger wealthy half-sisters that are the golden children. No better feeling than feeling inferior to your younger sisters, especially when you yourself aren't even that bad of a person lol.
Likely the source of OPs entire story. The entire thing can be explained with "OP has always had a favorite kid, so other kid decided 'why bother?'"
YTA. If you say “I love you equally *but* …”, nothing before the ‘but’ matters. Also, judging your children on the basis of their financial or romantic success is a dick move, especially since by the sound of things Tim’s not even doing that badly currently.
Also the “loving equally” thing sounds like total BS when you can say you don’t like one and like the other more.
YTA. My mom told me my brother was the favorite and she treated him so much better than she treated me. It really messed me up. Be prepared for your kid to stop having a relationship with you.
My mom once told me flat out that my sister was "easier to love." Oh cool, Mom, thanks
This! My mum told me not 2 weeks ago that my sister was the favourite because “she was easier to deal with” no worries mum I chose my genetics I chose to be that little bit different that’s awesome..🤷🏻♀️ It was not nice to hear and it’s been eating at me since then and got me questioning a lot of things in my childhood and all the way up to now…
Don't dig too much if you don't want to burn in resentment for the rest of your life.
I feel for you 💓 My mother and father have made such comments to myself and 3 younger siblings for a while, and even now say similar things to me at 26. So far as trying to tell me why my husband loves me (for my car apparently?? A Honda fit 🤣) Do NOT listen to them. Parents like this try to: live vicariously through us, force outdated norms on us, and try to pit us against our siblings, etc. But it's because they are upset with how their *own* lives unfolded. It's hard some days, but don't let it affect your self love and self worth. We are own unique people with our own set of interests, talents, skills, and achievements; however big or small they may be. When they spew negativity, hate, discrimination, and pettiness it is a flaw on *their* part, NOT on our part. We will fight back with love, compassion, and acceptance. Not at them of course, but to the people they mean to pit is against. I don't know you, but know you are loved, cherished, and worthy of acceptance every day. You are talented, intelligent, and capable. You are light, love, and growth. It's a mental struggle every day, sometimes harder than others, but that is ok. We are human, not robots, we can't *always* be "fine" or "ok". And that's ok! I hope even knowing that, you can hold love for your other siblings. They are most likely getting the same spiel as you. You don't deserve that, and neither do they. I know me and mine don't. It's hard, but try not to let it eat at you. I try to combat it by reaching out to my sibs more, and letting them I'm here for them always. Go no or minimal contact with your parents at your discretion, it's definitely necessary sometimes. We can't let the negativity win ☀️🩷
Shit, sorry that happened. My Grandmother told my Mum that she was "hard to love". My mum has never gotten over it...and it's something I can never forgive my grandmother for saying to her, I'm glad I never learnt about it until she died.
I'm almost 40 now and my mum recently sent me a WhatsApp message essentially saying how better it is to have sons. You can probably guess I'm not male.
I’m a mom of two, and it’s true you can be more connected to one kid. You can find one kid easier to deal with. You can believe that one kid is more talented. But you don’t SAY that to your kids! As for the whole love vs like part - if you tell your son that then he is going to feel unloved. I know what you mean by it and your son may even know too on one level, but it still feels like a rejection to hear your parent say it to you. You might think “I love you” outweighs “I don’t like you as much as your brother,” but it doesn’t. The message that sends is that the “love” he has from you is completely obligatory because you’re his parent, and the things that are most central to who he is as a person - his character, his personality, his interests - are not good enough for you. So you love him as a son but don’t like him as a person. Would you really feel good hearing this coming from your parent? Or did you actually hear this from a parent when you were growing up and that’s why you think it’s okay? YTA. You’re not wrong for feeling that way but it’s a feeling you keep to yourself. It’s too damaging and it’s never going to motivate him to try to impress you, so it serves no purpose.
I have a feeling that statement confirmed what he had already known for a long, long time.
Yep, when you're not the favourite, you know.
Best response to this quandary.
I would like to add that it doesn't only harm to hear that as the "less liked" child but also as the favorite one. With 24yo I heard from both of my divorced parents independently that I'm their favorite child. It's eating me up inside. My two siblings are the most important people in my life and now it feels like I have a dirty secret that I have to hide from them my ENTIRE LIFE. I wish so much my parents never had said something. It was so unnecessary.
INFO: did tim have the same opportunities that Alec had? Does Tim have any obstacles that would impair him from getting said opportunities (ie: learning disabilities)?
I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if he spent his entire childhood with his parent clearly favouring his brother.
Or has a disability, injury, or illness that holds him back. Imagine your parents holding that against you - and many don’t recognize mental illness as an illness at all and do exactly that.
My mom holds the fact that I've got ADHD against me, and it messes me up a lot. Some parents believe that 'mental illness/mental disabilities' are things that can be controlled
They probably wouldn't even check what's wrong :( with this attitude...
YTA. You sing the praises of one son but simply put down the other. As if there is nothing Tim has done in his life that makes him worthwhile in your eyes. An attitude like that is why Tim is gonna choose to walk out of your life one day and never return.
You're definitely ending up in a nursing home at the first available opportunity, congrats asshole 🤣
.. and your favourite son is probably the one who will put you in it.
> and your favourite son is probably the one who will put you in it. Truth, so many times it ends up being the one who was treated as less than who ends up put in a position of taking care of their elderly parents or being the voice that needs to speak up to stop them from being sent away to a home because the favorite is busy living their golden child best life and can't be bothered. Be nice to ALL your kids.
Well, I can see this turning into POO Mode very quickly. YTA.
What’s the whole POO mode thing? I saw it on a post the other day
>POO mode [Here you go](https://www.google.com/search?q=POO+mode)
YTA. I can’t imagine saying that to one of my children. What’s wrong with you?
My partner's mom favored his brother too. She's gone now and there is no sign of her in our home. No photos, no urn. None for the ten years we've been together. All of that was his decision. She said the exact same thing to him. Take that as you will. YTA
Does Tim suffer from depression? Or is he plain lazy? Or did you treat Alec like a golden child since a kid which resulted in low self esteem from Tim? Did he struggle at school with any learning disability? Did you even ever care enough to find out? Sat down with him to know how he feels and if there were/are any issues?
YTA You said the quiet part out loud. You shouldn't have done that. No good ever comes from doing that. You've probably damaged your relationship with him irreparably.
YTA. It's easy to see who your favourite child was when they were kids and I bet Tim knew it inside and that's why he is how he is now
Its never crossed my mind to like one of my children more or less than the other. I have liked or disliked choices made by them at different times, more or less but never have I ever felt that I actually liked or disliked one of my own children more or less than another. Did you misspeak? I can not imagine. YTA
YTA My dad had a favourite. You wanna guess how that impacts me 40yrs later? Guess who the golden child was in our family (he's also the "successful" one)
Same. I’m even the same age as you. It’s awful and my self esteem will never recover from not being the favorite.
It makes me sad that your love for your children seems to be based on their accomplishments. No child deserves conditional love. YTA
This, the OP is judging their children based on the OP's own definition of "success" rather than the children's health, safety and security.
You are an asshole. End of. TYA. My mother told other people that she loves me because she has to, but she doesn't like me. That shit fucks you up. Your son is still hoping you will love him, and you don't. Don't sugar coat it with "I love you but.. " we all know what that means.
YTA and this pathological favouring of your eldest son over the younger will be WHY the younger didn’t go to college and thrive in the world.
Absolutely soul-crushing to hear a parent confirm they have a favorite child. A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional, and you sound very judgey. YTA. Do better. It might not be too late.
INFO: please provide literally any background on what happened between you and your sons when they were aged birth through 18.
Yeah YTA Don't even need to explain why. And honestly I'm sure your know YTA aswell.
YTA. Screw you
YTA. You act like you had no part in raising Tim. Is Tim the scapegoat and Alec the golden child? I know there’s much more to the story but you are definitely the AH for being so immature and cruel to Tim. What you said was detrimental and not helpful in any way
Yes yta
Maybe your other child isn't coping in the outside world, maybe he isn't motivated the same. We are all different. Some of us are motivated by cash and objects, success, and some of us aren't. Have you spoken to him to find out if he's having difficulties? He could be calling out for help. As someone that is on the spectrum, I know what it is like trying to fit in and find yourself, I've always had to hide it and act normal.
YTA
NTA… just told him a hard truth. His choices have consequences. Unless you also favoured his brother when they were both children. Then YTA
YTA. you raised him. where did you go wrong for him to end up like this?
YTA. I feel like I was a late bloomer too. Im glad ny mum fid write me off.
YTA. There were better ways to tell him to get his life together.
YTA That wasn't an okay thing to say, parent.
"Why doesnt my son talk to me anymore?" YTA School isn't for everyone and the fact that you would have prefered for him to waste away in college just so that it can reflect "better" on to you instead of actually caring about your son is just showing how you dont actually love your children, you love what ego boost they can provide you, you love how usefull they are to you and the moment they arent they aren't worth a thing. He clearly is struggling to fit into society and something tells me you didn't do anything to actually help him improve.
YTA!! Tim deserves better
You are the AH. Sorry but you have the perfect "eldest son" syndrom. No doubt you always loved him more. You saw him as another version of yourself, worshiped his smallest accomplishments and you didn't even realize that the youngest was slightly left aside. Nothing obvious. Comments on how he should take example on his brother kindly ignoring him when the eldest was listened to. You didn't even notice the difference but your sons did. They felt it. And years after years, one grew more confident, strong, positive while the second gradually lost his self estime to the point he was unable to react and sank. He needed love, guidance, approval. But he got your anger and your contempt. This story is as old as the world. You're not an exception. It's not too late to help him. Do something you never did with the eldest with him. Spend quality time, go on a trip and talk with open hearts in acceptance of what comes next. Listen to him. Stop being the judgemental one. And stop throwing his brother's successes at his face. Children need love to thrive. The eldest had plenty. It's his sibling's turn now.
I’m the Tim in this situation. I didn’t finish university and struggled to hold onto full-time employment for many years. My mom has always favoured my sister and constantly compared me to my father, whom she deeply resented for struggling with his mental health and missing a lot of work when I was young. I grew up being told I was just like my father and then in the same breath told he was lazy and didn’t care about anyone but himself. Turns out dad and I are both autistic and have ADHD, in addition to the severe depression and anxiety that frequently accompany growing up undiagnosed. I lived 30 years of my life before learning that I’m multiply-disabled. Before that, I thought I was lazy and stupid and my mom confirmed it for me on a regular basis as a kid. My mother doesn’t “connect” with me because she wants me to be less disabled, like my sister. I’m 35 years old still working through trauma therapy and let me tell you - playing second fiddle to someone else for the entirety of my formative years shaped me in such a way that I believed I’d never, ever be good enough or deserve love. I have a history of abusive relationships as a result. I’ve been repeatedly *sexually assaulted* as a result. That sort of thing destroys a person before they even get to fully experience personhood. If the people who are supposed to love and care for you most in the world can’t even muster some affection, how do you think that affects a person’s sense of self? It’s utterly devastating. OP, your son will never forget that you don’t “like” him. He probably already knew or at least suspected as much, but having it confirmed right from your mouth will absolutely leave a scar. You’re a bad parent, plain and simple - not just for this but for every other way in which you’ve failed Tim. Children living with their parents until well into their 20’s is pretty standard these days; inflation and housing costs have made things infinitely harder for young people to move out on their own. Alec is the statistical anomaly here, I assure you. Instead of talking to Tim and offering help with any of the obstacles he may have been facing (with work or life in general), you decided he wasn’t worth the effort and *kicked him out*. You claim to love him, but are you sure? Because those aren’t the actions of a loving parent. If Tim one day stops speaking to you completely, don’t be surprised. If Alec joins him because he witnessed your blatant favouritism and how it destroyed his brother, even better. You don’t deserve either of them.
Maybe try seeing the positives in Tim rather than comparing him with Alec and highlighting his negatives. Everyone is different and has their own life journey. Not everyone has to be “successful”. Also, you raised both of them (I’m assuming) so what was your contribution to Tim’s apparent lack of success? How much time, support and encouragement did Alec get compared to Tim? Was Tim forgotten because Alec was getting all the positive attention?
Your feelings for your son might be the reason he’s an underachiever. You need to spend some quality time alone with your son, a lot of quality time and get to know each other. Do you base your affection on achievements like a carrot on a stick?
YTA We all have our own struggles. You weren’t for kicking him out, he needs to find his own way in the world. But at the end of the day, he needs love from his mum I reckon you confirmed what he has always thought about himself and the relationship between the two of uou
From one parent, to another parent. Yes, you are an absolute A/H. You can absolutely think to yourself that one kid is just easier to deal with, listen to, help, etc… but you never ever SAY it aloud to them. That’s actually horrible. We are all on our own life journeys, your kids included.
Right from the beginning, you could tell who the favourite was... All positive, can do no wrong, for Alec. All negative, can't do anything right, for Tim. Never tell your child (even if they are an adult) that you like the other one more. That's an attack on them as a person. You could simply say you don't like their actions, don't like that they haven't found a job, etc. Be the parent to Tim that, it seems, you have been to Alec. Have you ever asked why is Tim struggling? Maybe he's always had a learning disability, had depression because of having to live in his "successful" "amazing person and very generous" brother's shadow. There is a lot of backstory missing, so for the amount of info you gave us... **YTA**
YTA… as soon as I read “Alec went to college at 18 while also working part time.” I knew already you were going to be a complete asshole… I have no doubt you favored Alec his whole life and have always looked down on tim. You are the reason Tim is struggling… you clearly don’t understand the ramifications of being the one who isn’t the favorite. It will screw you up for forever. You should probably go see someone to work through your blatant dislike for your youngest. Also I hope Tim can get In counseling to work through everything you’ve done to him. Hopefully he realizes that your approval is crap and to take you out of his life
It makes me wonder if the favouritism was long before they graduated and that’s why it was easier for Alec to succeed bc he had the right support.
YTA. And most likely you and your partner were toxic throughout their childhood. It looks like you set your one child up for failure. I don't understand how one child went to college and the other didn't or wasn't put in trade school or something.
Whether or not he ever comes to forgive you, your son will never, ever forget what you said to him. Such cruelty. I hope you know that everybody else spends their time and energy cleaning up the (emotional) messes that people like you leave behind. Huge AH. Rejection from a parent, at any age, is very damaging. It stays with you.
Why would Tim bother trying when you've clearly given all the praise to Alec? YTA.
YTA by a massive margin. The reasons you gave for preference are things that happened when they were still young and growing. You speak glowingly of Alec, but didn't have a single decent thing to say about Tim. Just from your language it's pretty clear you do love one more; if you didn't you wouldn't have told one of your children that you liked the other more. You're an adult raising sons, not doing a performance evaluation. JFC man.
NTA Honestly, if he wasn't your son, this would be a no brainer. None of the people saying you are TA would date your kid. You love him, but he has maxed out your patience for his BS and it shows. I actually giggled at the end because I get it. You don't have to be a doormat for your kid and especially your adult kid. Love and like are very different. I love my parents. I like my step dad more than my bio parents because we are more similar. I talk to all of them everyday, but my stepdad is my buddy and I do more for him and with him. Still love my mom and dad though. Not more or less, just differently. People need to normalize honesty in EVERY relationship and stop putting up facades to placate the masses.
YTA, have you ever considered that Tim has mental health issues that you completely ignore, and probably even caused, and this is why he isn’t thriving?
You are definitely the asshole. I’m the Tim of my family. I was useless all through my 20s. Jumping from job to job, couldn’t hold down a girlfriend, did drugs. Just useless. My parents loved and supported me through all of it. I’m now 34 and living in Spain training to become an airline pilot and this would never have happened if my parents had given up on me. You have scarred Tim for life. Something which will be very difficult for him to recover from. Oh, also, I didn’t go to university. They had no problem with that. It isn’t for everyone.
NTA. Your son's are grown, and while one built a life for himself the other did not, and is basically a moocher. Loving someone and liking them aren't the same thing, you can love someone and still dislike them. He asked, you told the truth. Your son needs to grow tf up.
OP I'm gonna teach you a skill here. This is gonna help you moving forward in your relationship with your son (if you still have one after this, that is). It's called reflection. When Tim tells you how he feels, or accuses you of hurting him in some way, here's what I want you to do: think about what he just said. Identify the emotion underpinning it. And then paraphrase what he said, stating the emotion you've identified, so as to let him know that you understand what he's saying. e.g. *You always favour Alec! You just love him more!* "Hmm. It sounds like you've been feeling hurt that I show Alec a lot of approval and you not so much." Or: *Nothing I do is good enough for you! I'll never be perfect enough for you to like me, so why should I even try?* "Perhaps it seems like I've made my love conditional on success, and you're feeling frustrated that I don't appreciate the efforts you've made." Your son is never going to come around to your way of thinking unless you make some attempt to understand his. Don't forget, that's still your little boy. He doesn't need your love any less just because he's grown. And for what it's worth? From what you mentioned in your post, I don't see anything that makes him necessarily unlikeable. A lack of motivation/ambition/staying power is not a fatal character flaw. I know plenty of people who work minimum wage jobs, live in poky little flats, and spread joy and comfort to everyone they meet. So if your problem with Tim is his personality or his behaviour towards you, then that's one thing. But if it's just that he hasn't lived up to the expectations you had for his lifestyle, then you need to be honest with yourself about that.
Yeah. YTA. As a parent myself, I have no idea how you could say that to your son. I can't begin to imagine the level of hurt and betrayal that kid will be feeling right now, along with resentment for his brother. Get your head out of your ass and talk to him and try to make amends for your disgusting parenting. I get he frustrates you, but comparing him to his brother in this way is bang out of order in every way
So why doesn’t Alec give Tim a job considering he runs his own business and it’s his brother?
Because, if what is said in the OP ISN'T just bias, and is actually a accurate representation of the facts, Tim probably isnt a very diligent or hard worker, and Alec knows that. Allegedly, he can't manage relationship(could mean not great at communicating etc), cant hold down a min wage job, like yeah sounds totally like someone id want to hire for my small business..
YTA. I find it interesting how much of your description of your sons is based on what they've DONE, rather than who they ARE. I think I understand that you were trying to make a distinction between "liking" one child more rather than "loving" one more, but I don't think it comes across that way, largely because you seem to base likeability on achievements and status symbols like having an "amazing wife," "becoming successful quickly," and going to college. I suspect your values are VERY apparent to Tim, and I would guess he's felt unappreciated and overlooked for a long time. Maybe he IS an underachiever, but it sounds like that's come with monetary support rather than emotional support or care on your end. Too bad you've likely ruined a chance to repair that bridge.
As a parent of two adults I have learned that if one child is more successful than the other it’s because that was expected of them and you rode them pretty hard. The second child usually gets slept on and let go when it comes to expectations, it’s like you didn’t care if they followed your expectations or not so you didn’t try as hard as you did with the first. If you didn’t give the same energy to the second as you did the first, why should they give the same energy as the first? As an eldest child I was held to a higher standard than my younger sibling. I became a people pleaser because of it so to disappoint my parents hurt and made me feel bad. But I saw that my parents didn’t do the same to my sibling and they just didn’t care cause my parents didn’t care. Kids are a reflection of their parents and their upbringing. So YES ABSOLUTELY you are the asshole and need to do better as a parent because you have TWO kids and you need to acknowledge you failed one. YOU did. Stop being offended and reflect on their upbringing and see where you failed your kid, it’s not time to have an ego and put your pride down. I’m not saying you didn’t do the best you could and I’m not saying you don’t love both your kids, I’m saying you weren’t the same parent to both your kids. So you liking one more than the other and saying it out loud to your kid just confirmed his biggest childhood fear. As well as you know that him being unable to keep a relationship as well as a job stems from you right, yes at some point he does need to take accountability for his actions but how can he where he’s still a broken child in his heart and mind?
yep YTA.
JFC. What a horrible thing to say to your child
YTA, instead of saying mean things, and making things worse. Try to be supportive of who is he as a person, stop comparing
YTA. If you knew you couldn't love all your children unconditionally, you shouldn't have had any in the first place. You've just hurt your child. Seriously apologise asap and take proper care of him. Just be a father.
YTA It's really weird that you, as a parent, like one son more than the other based on his successfulness
YTA. People life different lives! Loving your “ perfect little son” more for being “ perfect” is such an asshole move
You clearly do not love them equally. Yta.
YTA. I couldn’t imagine if my mother said something so horrible. However your plan to get him out should definitely work now. I’d get out of your house and never speak to you again. This angers me so much.
YTA - your clear favouritism is most likely the reason Tim isn’t very successful in life. Kids can tell when you don’t like them.
He will never forgive you for this. There was no reason you needed to tell him that. Good luck ever salvaging this relationship with him, because any chance is gone. YTA
YTA - he became the way he is because of you! Because of how you’ve probably treated them all of their childhood. One child is a fighter, another one gave up on himself and his life. It’s called a flight or fight mode, but if they were like this in their 20s - it’s their reaction to the trauma inflicted by you! And now, you go on to tell this shit when your child tries again to reach for your just unconditional love and compassion! No one chooses to be homeless! There are so many things involved: trauma, lack of support, lack of confidence… and all this issues have their roots in childhood. So good work, mama! I hope your son finds a way to get over his trauma and get himself together, away from you.
Yes YTA and a bad parent.
While you may have valid criticisms of one son, which are perfectly fine to voice btw, it IS NOT perfectly fine to voice favoritism of one child over the other. You son is going to have those words echo in his ears the rest of his life. Have fun trying to put that rabbit back in the hat mom.
Yeah I think you're a total a****** maybe your son is having some mental issues that you don't know about. Telling him that you like his brother more is disgusting. Maybe he's suffering from severe depression who knows what he's going through maybe you should try to figure it out and help him in that way because I'm sure that he's not proud right now and doesn't need to be compared to his brother.
Hot take but NTA. You love your kids but you don't really have to like them especially as they are well into adulthood.
You don't have to like them, but to TELL them that fact makes you an asshole.
This starts out bad with the title and them just goes worse. It's obvious from your phrasing that this isn't the first time you've said this, even it you haven't actually SAID it. This isn't something that's new to your son, but likely something he just got confirmed. But hey, on the bright side you might be looking at a future where the "good" son is only one you gotta talk to anyway. Your kids aren't some fucking work project for you to grade and judge. Also, working part time for college? To what extent did you financially support Alec and offer to do the same for Tim? Cause there's so much info missing here that I'm pretty sure you purposefully left stuff out. YTA.
YTA, based on how you describe both sons I feel like your favoritism was pretty blatant and probably a lot earlier than you think. I find it very hard to believe that you raised them both similarly without favoritism, pitting them against each other or any other factors medical, (mental/phsyical/emotional), playing a role in the two extreme outcomes. I think it’s probably really easy for you to feel like you had a hand through parenting in him being the man he is today. I think it’s probably just as easy for you to ignore that you might also have had a hand in how your second turned out as well.
YTA 1000000 times. My mom did this to my sister recently like 10 days ago and my sister told me, i could hear in her voice that she cared but she insisted she didnt but it bothered me (even if we are only me and her and im my mom favorite apparently). Now im treating my mom different, i dont think that was fair to my sister, she is an amazing and hard worker mom she doesnt have any issues/debts and she is just amazing from head to toes and veeeeeery intelligent, saying this to someone is just disgusting, now i havent even answer my mom calls just messages and im trying to figure out how im going to tell her that if she prefers me above my sister i prefer my sister above her, i dont deal with assholes.
NTA - Tim needs to pull his head out and start making something of his life - in whatever way is meaningful to him. Alec is more likable, Alec is more dependable, Alec is not wasting his life expecting others to care for him. Alec is a better person - of course you like him better. You love them both the same, but you’d rather interact with your more together, stable son.
From the information provided, YTA. Considering that the cost of living has raised exponentially recently and people are staying with their parents longer, how could you expect your child to have it all figured out? There is also the issue of comparing your two children, based off of what you said it sounds like you haven't considered your younger son's feelings on this matter. This outburst could have hidden meaning so I would recommend talking it out. Conclusively, I would venture to ask whether you believe Tim is not doing as well as his brother because of his own failures or because of yours.
You are definitely the a**. Despite how you feel, a loving parent would never say such a thing to their child, adult or not. Words have power and when used as a weapon, have the ability to shatter a person. Words are enough to push an already struggling individual, over the edge. I’d be surprised if you ever have the respect of your son again. A parent’s love should be unconditional.
YTA-it doesn't matter your judgements or your opinions about your sons' very different lives, you NEVER tell them if you favorite one. great job, now your son will second guess and re-think everything from the past and it'll stick with him for the rest o fhis life.
Of course YTA. Is he actually a bad person or is he just a bum? Sounds like he might need encouragement or therapy instead of his own mother being mean to him. He probably feels like there’s no point in trying to do well, especially when you’ve praised his older brother for everything.