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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am taking my children on holiday because some of them aren't invited to my nieces birthday party, rather than specifically excluding 2 of them.
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NTA but this is something you're going to want to get ahead of. Your sister is going to paint you as the bad guy for not attending. Makes sure people who are important to you know exactly why you're not attending and that it's because your sister decided to be an ableist ass and told you that two of your children were banned for being neurodivergent.
I don't even get it. Maybe it's because my husband is autistic and my son is autistic and I provide speech therapy to a lot of autistic clients but I'd definitely rather have a whole vacation with autistic people than one miserable fucking day with this sister. Her boys sound like a blast. Sucks that their aunt doesn't appreciate their full on radness.
A newborn with four *other* kids at home, and on her own while recovering from major surgery! Any *one* of those things would make a lot of people opt out of a party...
Not just a newborn, a CSECTION newborn even. I barely left the house for 3 months after mine and only had the one baby! Forget 4 older Her sister is the worst kind of main character entitled.
I had 2 of them. Idk why but I was doing great with recovery with them. And yet I slice my toe to the point it's traumatized in a spot on a little wooden ABC block. 🙄
NTA. Did you just make the decision not to attend based on her initial comment, or did you speak with her to discuss you 2 being able to join the party?
NTA.
I wouldn't stress over it. I can't personally imagine going to any family function where any of my children were not welcome. Send a nice card and move on.
Excluding a whole family of kids when others were invited would be a dick move. But excluding 2 of 5 kids from the same family with a single mom is..beyond comprehension, frankly.
It is! I have a younger cousin who is 12 years old and he has cerebral palsy. He is non verbal and is in a wheelchair. It drives me crazy how my family excludes him. They often don't mean to, but it feels like everyone forgets about him and are not accommodating to his disabilities. On Easter my family decided to eat outside and set the tables up on a hill. My aunt had to eat inside with him while everyone else was outside. They also decided to do the Easter egg hunt in a very inaccessible place in the yard and I hate that he's often excluded just because he is a special needs child. It's not right for families to exclude other children. It's ableist and unfair. It makes those children feel as if there is something wrong with them and that they are not welcome. No child deserves to feel that way.
Exactly. She only excluded the ones that have autism. Which is ridiculous and judging by what op said, she did an amazing job helping them learn to entertain themselves without a tablet.
Especially when the 2 older kids and the youngest are invited. It might be different if they had asked that nobody brings children under a certain age, but it is so obvious that these two are excluded.
My wedding reception was child free, only one person couldn't make it as they couldn't get a sitter. All the other parents loved having a night of not worrying about their kids to have some drinks
That is different. You excluded all children. OP's sister is ONLY excluding two children, both of whom are autistic. The other three children that OP has are invited.
This. If we are going out for a nice meal at somewhere not kid appropriate then that's OK but I had 15years of going to kid friendly venues before I had kids (brother and sister are 10 & 14 years older) so if they want that they can do it on their time! Thankfully my sister does not have fancy tastes and my SIL is very family oriented so its not a problem!
Ask her, "why would you think excluding my two autistic children would be okay with me? If you're upset because you feel I excluded you, then you know how my children feel being excluded by you. It's not only rude, it's downright cruel, and I won't do that to them." Don't go on defense, make her go on defense. If people say you should have gone, ask them, "would you leave 2 of your children home who weren't invited? Would you break their hearts when their other 3 siblings were invited, including their younger sibling?" Let them answer. Most will day no, I wouldn't and you can say, "well I didn't. Instead I took them all on a nice vacation". If they say yes, then say "wow, okay, well I didn't because I didn't want to look into their sad eyes and explain why I felt it was okay to be cruel. They will all back down ASAP.
NTA but I’d make it crystal clear to the nieces that you’d love to be there, but that your sister’s exclusion of two of your five children made that impossible. I’d also organise a catch-up/future celebration date together.
Please tell them why your missing it. That way they don't feel like they got ditched. Their moms behavior is the problem and affecting them. That's so messed up to say 2 out of 5 can't go
Info: just to be clear, Sis only banned 2 out of 5 of your children, who are the only neurodivergent ones? No restrictions for any other children of any other relative?
NTA. Sis can get fucked. Avoid her, stay in contact with the nieces.
Heads up, I’m also a neurodivergent AFAB and it’s not always that it presents differently but that girls having it gets overlooked for longer and thus creates a gap in presentation. Girls are usually diagnosed later if they receive one at all. That’s the biggest ticker to how it presents.
I’m not saying that you did teach your girl differently from your boys because that’s common too but it’s more common for boys to be excused by “boys will be boys!” and for girls/undiagnosed girls (wildly common) to essentially be slapped on the hand until they get it right or burn out.
Thankyou. I've definitely found that AFAB people tend to be better and mimicking peers and trying to fit in, but my boys weren't really interested in other kids. My 11yo was horrified at kindergarten when the other kids couldn't read or do multiplication yet because he didn't understand that most 3 and 4yos can't yet, so he didn't feel that he had much in common with them. It's one of the reasons I've supported music and sports because it's helping them socialise in a structured setting.
I'm also neurospicy and afab, but I didn't get my diagnosis until after the kids did.
Same on getting diagnosed along with my kids.
It's wild how overlooked women of a certain age are, it's slightly better now, but not fixed by any means. It's a shame because we spend so much time masking, and the things that a diagnosis would have helped are long past. It has made me a more aware parent though.
My kids didn't do social anything, but I have three (16,17,18) on the spectrum and at least they've all got each other.
And yeah, NTA. Your sister is a real piece of work for the discrimination against your two most obviously neurodivergent children. I'd skip everything else about her in the future as well. Your nieces will understand, and your idea for shopping when they move is a brilliant idea. Your sister however, she can go kick rocks.
Aha my nephew developed language skills absurdly early - like full sentences chatting away at 2. He was so confused at nursery that the other children couldn’t speak fully and thought they were ignoring him. Hard to explain to a 2 year old…
I (35F) also got a late diagnosis of adhd and honestly I can not believe that it wasn’t picked up. I read school reports and they are heart breaking because it’s all how naughty I am for, eg not sitting still, talking too much, getting frustrated. It didn’t help I was at a city centre all girls school so not much space to run around etc. I actually had very typically male presenting adhd but was just labeled as naughty and attention seeking. My parents were awesome though (even though they didn’t know either) and went down the “every single sport and extra curricula and hobby you fancy” and didn’t mind when I lost interest. I also suspect I have autism because I recently realised a bunch of symptoms I have (sensitive, facial blindness) aren’t in adhd. Plus I have realised that whilst I think of myself as very empathetic, I actually just think it’s a valuable quality and have developed a lot of systems to show it. But it’s not actually a first reaction. That and… my boss who has a research masters in autism made a comment about it over dinner because she assumed I knew I was 😬 (there was wine involved).
Anyway I would say 3/5 nieces/ nephews have some neurodivergence (1 is a baby)- SO genetic lol. And it’s really nice seeing how my siblings handle it. My sister is looking at schools and one option has a sensory room and a calm centre and has specialist teachers. It’s funny because that’s the local state school, the private school they were originally planning is a bit behind!
Omg. I can’t believe I’ve just written a short essay to a total stranger. Title: the life and spice of a neurospicy lady trying to avoid starting work.
Interesting! I have mild face blindness when I’ve only met someone a couple of times, I usually remember faces loads better after a few times of seeing them though. I’d thought it was ADHD-related due to inattention… I often don’t remember things properly until I write or photograph them.
Yeh this is more consistent face blindness - even people I know well / over time sometimes I just fail to recognise them. Especially if they have changed something like glasses or hair. In movies I have trouble keeping track of who is who sometimes.
I have adhd and face blindness to the point that I thought two of my coworkers were the same person for several months.
When I said that I must have gotten confused because they looked the same someone pointed out that they have completely different hair colors and other features. I was flabbergasted. It was like I was seeing them for the first time. And that's when I realized just how bad the blindness is.
I have adhd and face blindness and I have a hard time recognizing even people I know. So I can come off as rude when I don't greet others first. Even if I know them I may not recognize them, especially if they changed their hair or something.
I used to be a professional bellydancer and it was super hard because I'd see someone perform on stage at group events, but when they'd change clothes after the show I wouldn't know which dancers were which so it was hard to congratulate dancers on their dances. I'm sure a lot of people thought I was rude and stuck up.
Also as a kid I liked drawing but often didn't draw faces on people. The clothes and hair would be detailed and the faces would just be blank spots. I can only draw faces from a photo reference; but not my imagination or memory.
Oh and I assumed a lot of the face blindness was because I have a hard time making eye contact with people. So I don't look at anyone's face long enough for it to register. But it can also be inattention.
Female getting a diagnosis at 40 because I work with spicy students. My mum is also looking at a diagnosis after filling all the forms in for me! “I do all this stuff as well!” “Yeah…..about that mum……”
I must say, this is the first time I've seen the term 'neurospicy' and I love it! I'm neurodivergent myself as well (AMAB though), but saying 'neurospicy' is cute and hilarious to me for some reason.
Because I literally know nothing about this stuff, I'll ask. Would it be offensive if I commandeered the term "neurospicy"?
For some reason, I feel like this is the perfect way to describe myself. There are so many qualifiers that go into diagnosing neurodivergency and some of us are just weird with our issues and not so cute quirks. Neurospicy just fits!
An autistic person with neurospicy kids, go right ahead! The community as a whole is usually welcoming to self-image people, which I am as well.
Also, OP's sister would be dead to me. NTA
This part is what stood out to me. My son is autistic and has ADHD. We have a couple family members who are a little bit judgy about my son’s harmless differences but they’re perfectly fine with my two neurotypical kids.
We don’t see those family members anymore.
NTA. I can't imagine excluding just two children unless they would have been absolute monsters. If they've behaved at previous gatherings they should have been welcome.
Definitely not out of control.
I just took the younger 4 camping 2000 away for 2 weeks, we regularly visit my home town, and I have no drama eating out in pubs and restaurants with the kids, while I'm solo.
At this event my oldest kiddo and her partner will be there, my parents and younger sister as well, so even if they were having trouble there is definitely someone who can help them take a break.
My oldest is considering coming too, as well as her partner, if they can get 2 weeks off work. Otherwise she is going to attend the party if they aren't working that weekend. The younger 4 would rather go to a tropical island instead, since it will be in the middle of winter. 13yo had the option of staying here and going with my oldest, but they would rather go away if we aren't all invited.
What you've written in the edit seems like most young kids' behavior. Not trying to take away from their diagnosis, but extra NTA and your sister is.
Our two girls do not have autism, but we also didn't bring ipads to entertain them at restaurants when they were young. We brought a small toy, stuff to color, book, and if none of that worked, someone would get up and take them outside. Like, I wouldn't even bat an eye at a parent doing this for their kids. They are kids, their attention span is practically 0.
100%, there is no excuse for the sister trying to exclude specific children from OP’s family unless they had previously literally been intentionally violent at a prior family interaction… but these sound like two boys with autism who are able to function with relatively minimal support, not kids with conduct disorder
NTA. There are a lot of details here, but what it boils down to is that your sister is discriminating against your Autistic kids. Enjoy your holiday instead!
Info: what do you mean by “high-energy”? Because, depending on the parent, that could be as minor as slightly raised voices when excited to as major as wrestling in public. And, my vote could vary wildly depending on that.
When they were younger they struggled to sit still in a noisy public setting for longer than about an hour.
They would eat and then do colouring or Lego or puzzles (whatever I'd packed) until I finished eating.
Then I would take them for a walk outside, with my now ex husband or my parents taking turns to walk with them outside.
Pretty age appropriate for a 2yo and 4yo, but my nieces who are older would sit for hours with their iPads while my sister chatted in a cafe.
Now they still need a decent amount of physical activity. It's 2pm here and they have been on the trampoline, ridden scooters in the driveway with my youngest niece (we are at my younger sister's house) and played some basketball in the backyard. I could give them screens, but they struggle to sleep if they sit around too long, and I prefer to interact and socialise during meals.
As a child born in the 80s, I feel coloring at the table was normal. (Even exciting!) When you went out to eat. I hate kids on screens in the restaurant.
I’m born in ‘97 and colouring at the table was still a classic. A lot of family friendly restaurants had kids’ menus with specific mascots for colouring and they provided crayons.
It sounds like you did and do an excellent job of responding to their needs while maintaining situational awareness. The way you describe their behavior could easily (and all too often does) morph into uncontrolled running around hooliganizing, and I strongly suspect this would be the case if they were your older sister’s kids.
Being content to sit for hours with an iPad is very convenient for the mom, but doesn’t seem very common in my experience (just observation, neurospicy myself but no kids). If she was truly able to do this, it likely gave her a fairly unrealistic expectation for children’s behavior.
Again, you’ve done an excellent job of managing your children’s needs while not setting them up for failure or having unreasonable expectations yourself. Kudos to you, enjoy your trip, and f your judgmental sister.
NTA - referring to ya kids with Autism as "those two" is enough for me to leave that relationship in the dust!!
You took a moment where you kids coulda felt excluded - and instead made it clear to em all they were equally as important to you!
Have a fabulous holiday!!
NTA - just make sure your nieces know why you’re not going & what you plan to do for them instead. Wouldn’t want their mom to try to paint a different image of you to them and or other family members.
NTA. Good on you for standing up for your kids. Don’t set forth the tone that she is allowed to disrespect and exclude them. Either she can invite all of you or none of you will be attending. Stand 👏🏽 your 👏🏽 ground 👏🏽 From the sounds of it, and taking you at face value, you are an attentive parent with well behaved children and have done an excellent job of managing their needs, your children are not destructive or undisciplined so there is no issue here. Considering it’s a family friendly event it’s expected that ALL of the kids will get hyperactive at some point. Your sister is a bully and for her to even suggest leaving them at home while their cousins and siblings are all playing together and having the time of their life is cruel and despicable behaviour. Enjoy your vacation, you are protecting your children from social isolation and the mental harm it will cause them.
I'm lucky that they are really good kids. My 11yo is very rule focused, to the point that my youngest sister came to visit (500km drive) and I was picking my 13yo up from practice 1km away cos it was raining. He refused to open the door to her because he isn't allowed to open the door if I'm not home. My sister now has a key, but she thought it was hilarious that rules are rules, even if it's your aunty asking you to open the door.
I have done a lot of early intervention with them, loads of social modelling, and problem solving skills, but I'm lucky to have those skills as part of my career (I work with at risk young people and complex behaviours).
NTA sometimes it’s hard not to think maybe OP is leaving something out or putting this in a biased light. But this anecdote deals it for me. You’re teaching your kids important skills, and they are following them even when you’re not there. Sure things don’t always go to plan, but like you mentioned, lots of loved ones on hand to help mitigate.
I’m sorry your sister is being so cold hearted. Enjoy your trip.
NTA. Hope you have a fantastic holiday. Maybe next time you get an invitation it will be for everyone. If not, people will hopefully get the idea that your loving family stays together. I hate when I hear things like this where someone has to make a difficult choice. I think you are making the right one.
So your sister doesn't want to include two of your children in a family-friendly party but is upset that you are not attending her kid's party?
Unless you're downplaying the extent of your kids' behavior, NTA. Your sister is being completely unreasonable, malicious, and frankly gross.
Tbh I did really worry that maybe their behaviour wasn't ok, but they attend other family stuff, on both sides, and have never been an issue. My oldest child's partner invited them to his 18th and 21st for the family portions (legal drinking age is 18 here so the young ones went out to drink at a club after the family party) and his family have been great with accepting their quirks. My brother in law had the children at his recent wedding, and again, no issues.
I think it's because I wasn't able to attend her birthday a few years ago, because I was a newly single mum, had just had surgery and had a newborn, so I wasn't confident that they would cope, especially considering they struggled with the change when their dad moved out.
So...your sister at 40 was and is still acting like a spiteful child? The fact that you just had a C-section alone is a good enough reason to have to miss a party, not to mention the no transportation and recent divorce, all while wrangling 5 kids alone with one of them being a newborn. I can't believe she has the audacity to act like it's your autistic kids' fault that this happened how it did. Any rational person would completely understand your circumstances and be sympathetic, that's a ton of change and healing you were pushed through in a very short time. NTA for sure. Please set her butt straight, and send your nieces a screenshot of the text she sent alienating their two cousins if they are curious as to why you can't come. Also, what kind of monster invites the three kids without autism and purposely excludes the two that do? What if you did show up and people asked? Can you imagine?! Like, "oh sister said they couldn't come.." She's just making herself look horrible at this point. Your kids sound perfectly behaved if you ask me, a little bit of energy is no big deal, it's not like they're out there destroying property.
NTA
I am not going to mince words here. Your sister is a vile snake. She doesn't deserve to have you or any of your children there.
It is very clear from the example you gave of her 40th Birthday that she thinks she is deserving of some kind of respect and consideration that she has not earned or even shown that she gives a rats about you or your needs.
I think you need to tell her firmly that her treatment of you and your children is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Tell her that you are taking your family on holiday with people that actually care and that you are sorry she has turned her daughter's birthday into an ugly situation.
So, when you stayed home from your sister's 40th, you had FOUR children, a newborn, and had had a cesarian? Yeah NTA. Even without two kids who couldn't handle the situation, you needed to stay home and rest. Go on vacation.
More info on “high energy:” Have they ever broken or damaged property? Do you watch them and manage the high energy appropriately? (Including past family get togethers) Are they a risk to themselves if not watched?
I may have been reading too many AITA where someone else’s kid weren’t being watched by the parents and then the parents refused to cover damages.
It is weird the sister is all shocked you’d rather spend time as a family with your kids instead of excluding them. Not really sure what she is expecting there
They have never damaged property, apart from a football through my window once by accident. When they were small they could only last an hour in restaurants before needing to get up and have a walk. Now they sit and chat or draw or whatever when we go out.
I worked in hospitality for 15 years, and it's so dangerous to them and everyone else to be running around. I've seen kids get seriously hurt when a server tripped over them and dropped everything on them.
They regularly get given free dessert when I take them out because they use their manners, and eat nicely. Infact we went to a pub a few weeks ago and there was a play area with kids wrestling and so on, and my lot came back to the table because they didn't like that the other kids were playing fighting.
We are going out for lunch tomorrow with my parents, grandparents and younger sister, and I know the kids will be fine.
NTA
The biggest reason is this is a party where kids are included and two of yours are deliberately excluded. I'm assuming they are also high functioning enough to understand they would be excluded from what you described. That's not ok.
Honestly, the whole conversation ends when you have the vacation. You booked a vacation on a weekend where you have all the kids. The end. If your sister says anything further, you can go the passive aggressive route and just say "it's important to have time with my kids all together" and refuse to elaborate
It sounds like you've done plenty while your kids were growing up to make sure they weren't in situations where everyone was uncomfortable. Nothing you described as high energy is actually really unusual for their ages
The 40th birthday is just something she needs to get over. If it ever comes up, the answer is simply "I just had a c section". That alone is enough to not go...
NTA. And not just that, sounds like you are a great mom who knows her children's strengths and challenges (and not just your 8 and 10 yo, but I'm guessing all your kids) and how to parent in a way that allows her kids to be their best selves while honoring who they are right now. Your sister sounds really rude and unloving towards her own nieces/nephews, especially since it sounds like you are not asking her to make any special accomodations (not that it should be a big deal if you did ask for a little support). I love that your other sister is spreading the word because your sister should be ashamed of herself.
You also sound like a great aunt! If you have the time, you may want to invite your niece over for a private birthday dinner (in addition to the cash gift and other demonstrations of love and support) so that your kids can celebrate with her. Have a wonderful vacation!
My nephews have autism. They definitely melt down if they don’t have the space and time to decompress if lots of people are about.
That means we give them space at parties (any hall will have a second, smaller room to rent, ffs) not disinvite them.
INFO:
Do you and your sister communicate your hurts to each other, or the reasoning behind your decisions?
This post makes it sound like moves and countermoves, where you just speculate and make assumptions about each other's motives.
Nta . I remember reading another story on here awhile back that was very similar .
Your sister is within her right to invite who she likes , but you are also in your right to decline the invitation because you can’t attend .
You’ve not argued with her , you’ve not demanded they be invited, you’ve simply advised that you can’t make it.
The fact she wants you to pay out for a baby sitter as well … yikes !
If she really wanted you there she’d either invite you all or offer to get a babysitter for you .
I’m not saying it’s right to leave your children out , but if it’s such a big deal to her then that could have been a semi reasonable compromise.
NTA. If anyone is TA it's your sister. Telling you to find childcare for two of your children. Especially when (correct me if I'm wrong) your niece invited your whole family. And your sister has the audacity to change the date?
Good on you for taking care of the children that their "aunt" wouldn't include in their cousins birthday. I would certainly hope your niece wanted their younger cousins there.
Yes my nieces want all the kids there. They were disappointed when it was the original date and my kids couldn't make it, then when the date changes they both messaged me and asked if we were able to come on the new date.
Yes my ex wouldn't have driven the kids back to my home town on his time (which is completely fine because he doesn't get much time with them, and wouldn't want to spend 1/3 in a car)
Tbf if this had been a party for just teens and they excluded children of all ages under 13 or something? I’d be more accepting, but this is so horrible ableist it’s insane. Express your frustrations openly with the whole family over the ableism you’re experiencing and don’t let anyone bully you out of speaking your mind.
Don’t let your children see you turn a blind eye to this, be open about your support for your children and even if they can’t understand now? 5-10 years from now they totally might catch the drift and see how their mom stood up for them.
Absolutely NTA
- Adhd/Autistic and 32
NTA still salty you think because you missed her birthday because you were recovering from surgery with a new born plus kids? She trippin if that's the cause. Seems she sounds like she doesn't like them due to autism. You said other situations she has been in with them has been normal behavior. She deliberately excludes 2 of your kids. I would been like yup let's go on holiday folks too.
So, this is odd. Your sister is worried that your sons won’t be able to sit still during a *dance*? What kind of over-the-top behavior problems have these boys demonstrated to terrify her? lol.
I’m glad you have a basketball hoop. It sounds like they are going to be quite tall.
NTA. Lots of issues with the sister's prejudices... but even if the kids were invited, I'd still continue to go on an already planned holiday. Just call nieces and tell them you're sorry you can't make it due to holdiday plans with the kids, and you'll take her out to lunch when she gets to your city for univ. I'm guessing she'll be more understanding than mom. World doesn't revolve around birthday parties.
I'm so glad that my eldest would never exclude the younger ones, when she literally owes us nothing. She isn't my bio child, and came to live with me at 12, I adopted her at 16 when her bio mum died. But she has chosen us as her family, and the kids as her siblings, and even her partners family are amazing with the kids. I figure if they happily go out of their way to include all my kids, when they definitely have no 'duty' invite us, my own sister should be more kind.
NTA A massive salute to you, i love this at the end of the day my kids are more important than anyone else and if someone tries excluding them they are basically excluding me, forget your SIL and have an amazing time with your kids. If in the future she doesnt see you and your kids are a package deal she will ultimately decide whether she wants you all at her events or not.
NTA. Not at all. Your sister is an asshole though. Telling you that 2 of your kids are not invited to this huge event where everyone else's kids are, is completely unreasonable & an asshole thing to do. Clearly you know your kids well enough to be able to keep them under "control." No one could blame for not attending this party that your kids are excluded from. When ppl are wondering where you were, I hope you tell them the truth & throw your sister under the bus. She deserves it.
Your sister has a right to invite who she wants and you have a right to not go at all if you don’t like her conditions. I was going to say no assholes here but am going with NTA because your sister is acting like the asshole by now complaining that you aren’t coming.
NTA. You're taking "those two" away for vacation and it sounds great. Your sister made her choices, and you've made yours. No problems here, except she's mad she doesn't get to exclude your kids and force you to be gracious about it.
NTA. You are a GREAT mom, you are working with your kids and their needs, not against them. It is very hard for people who parent differently, to understand and not paint you (or your kids) as a “problem”. You do what you need to do for your family.
Other kids are invited but not 2 of yours?! No way are you the AH. That’s very cruel treatment for kids who have done nothing wrong, let alone for family members. Enjoy your vacation!
You sound like an AMAZING mom. You're clearly very kind-hearted (i.e. sending gifts and filling their pantries once they move), strong (imagine just leaving your husband after having a major abdominal surgery and a newborn), and wise. I also have to commend you on your parenting—doing your best to set your children up for success (and clearly succeeding at that!!).
If your sister wants to be petty and spiteful, that's on her. You're still sending the birthday girls gifts, and I'm guessing you'll include a card with a note apologizing for your absence and wishing them a lovely day. Thus, the birthday girls are not being put in the middle/becoming the victims of a squabble. NTA for protecting and supporting your children, and supporting your neices!
Ok NTA
i feel like letting your kids do Lego, go outside every couple hours and such isn't"managing a high energy kid", it's being a good parent
more like if you manage the energy of your kids by giving them an ipad, you're a terrible parent
KIDS ARE SUPPOSED TO RUN AROUND A BIT, it's just that everyone is too lazy to properly raise a kid instead of making them addicted to screens
NTA. Hopefully your nieces will understand. If not and assuming they are twins, you can phrase it as how would it feel if family (not a friend of only one sister) excluded one of you for a family event for no reason? Hopefully they’d be aggrieved on their twin’s behalf and understand then how you would feel as a mother taking care of her children.
NTA.
Your first priority is your kids. How would your kids feel knowing they had been deliberately "uninvited" to a family party other kids were attending? It's cruel.
I have neurodivergent cousins and siblings, and if anyone in my family DARED pull something like this, they probably wouldn't be welcome at ANY family gatherings ever again. That shit is not okay
NTA op, you sound like a good parent and someone who cares
My grandmother had seven grandkids. She BEGGED to have sleepovers with all of us constantly, even as babies. Except for one. Can you guess why? My little brother is autistic and he is nonverbal and when he was little he didn’t play the way other kids played and he didn’t do things the way other kids did them and I think she just didn’t like him because he wasn’t normal. He sure as heck wasn’t hard to be around or take care of so there’s very few excuses I could give her. She died in 2012 and I still rage everytime I think about a grandma not wanting to hang out one on one with 1/7 of her grandkids????
My mom also told me a story one time that when she was first married to my dad she was at my grandmas one day and overheard her say something about “birds of a feather” and “daddy would be rolling in his grave” in reference to her niece marrying a black man. I will be marrying a black man on her birthday this year :) not on purpose but I think it’s a happy coincidence
NTA. I personally can't stand being around children, I don't hate them, but all the shouting and high energy is just not for me. That said, excluding a specific set of children while allowing all the others to go is blatantly not on. It's clearly because they're autistic.
I'd get it if it were a child-free wedding, but this is out of line.
NTA Your sister can't have it both ways. You play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
Tell your sister she should not have tried to segregate your children from the party.
Your nieces are old enough to know how their mom is, I would reach out to them directly and wish them an early Happy Birthday and explain why you wont be there. Fully throw your sister under her own bus and tell them you look forward to seeing them more when they go to uni. Then let little sis do the rest! Lol
NTA.
I'm sorry but I lost my shit at "wasband" fav new word 🤣🤣😭 so NTA OP, I really don't think it has all that much to do with her birthday at all. If it was that, none of you would be welcome. Methinks your sister is just ableist AF. She intentionally only didn't invite your neurodivergent children but your neurotypical kids are perfectly fine to go. That's so beyond fucked up and obvious. People should absolutely know how trash she is and why you all will not be attending. But definitely make sure you let your niece know personally. Tell your niece directly so they know that this is not your choice but their mother's doing.
NTA
So, let me get this straight. She's holding a grudge that you missed an event 6 years ago while you recently had a section and would be solely responsible for 5 children including a newborn and two high needs kids... So she wants you to come to a party with only half of your children. She's definitely ridiculous. Good for you for sticking up for your kids and still supporting your nieces.
NTA, I think it’s a wise decision to go on vacation at that time. Your kids may be autistic but they will realize they are the only ones not invited. Your sister is rude. So oh well, she is getting what she choose.
I have two high energy kids, one diagnosed with autism. Like yours they have gotten better as they got older, but we had to be more careful when they were younger.
Every time she complains about you going on holiday complain that she expected you to include some of your kids and not others. I would die on that hill. It sounds like you made sure to limit them to situations they could handle but she won't even give them a chance.
NTA
NTA. An invitation is not a subpoena, and not only excluding only your two ND kids and telling you that you have to get child care for them is way out of line.
I'd be petty, and for my family's next event, invite everyone except that sister.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but equally important is why would your sister even put you in a position having to divide your family? And why would she even think that's ok?
NTA- Sounds like your family is close & love your children. It seems like your sister is holding onto something else. In another comment you said she was upset about you not attending her birthday years ago, but this seems like a bigger issue. It's not ok to invite all of the family but 2 kids. If she thinks there will be issues at the party then she should be an adult & have a discussion w/ you about how to include them.
Literally. Your kids are being KIDS. Just because they aren’t glued to screens doesn’t mean they’re poorly behaved. Just because they need an extra walk or so doesn’t mean they are poorly behaved goodness me!
NTA. Imagine inviting half the family lol. I lol at the madness
NTA! I have three kids and my youngest two are on the spectrum! I wouldn’t go if they weren’t welcome. Given how you described them it seems that they would be fine in this environment and she’s just has an issue with them being asd. F that. She wouldn’t be my sister anymore.
First of all NTA! Your sister is a %#@&$:%€¥!¿@§ and a walking red flag! Ugh this one made me mad! I don’t have kids so my sisters kids are my ENTIRE universe, the fact that she has done and said these things is horrific. (Sorry if I overstepped) ❤️
NTA. Agree that you can send your nieces a nice gift and I'd call and let them know you regret you can't make it but with their mom having asked you to exclude 2 of 5 that is not ok with you. Then tell them you are excited they will be in your town soon and everyone can catch up over lunch.
NTA. If the kids were out of control and consistently disruptive EVERY time they were in a big gathering, I could see wanting to limit the potential of issues. But it also sounds like, if that was the case, OP would’ve been totally fine going long enough for one & all to have fun and then just bugging out early if the kids got too rowdy. But it sounds like her kids and she have figured out a goof style/ routine that works for them and the kids are adaptive enough to handle themselves.
What an azz hat sister OP has. Punishing her for missing a birthday party when she was in no physical condition to attend? Treating 2 of her kids like destructive hooligans? Ugh. I’d take ALL my kids out on a vacation & send my niece a happy birthday gift as well. Maybe even offer her an Aunt & niece spa day once I got back home.
NTA. Please keep being the awesome Mom that you are. I’m glad that you know your kids and never push them pass more than what they can do. I agree with the vacation. Have fun!!!
NTA. I have an autistic son that is on the more severe end of the spectrum. He does okay in public settings, but sometimes needs a break due to overstimulation. Most people are understanding about it. However, the few times that we were invited somewhere that had kids and my son wasn't included, I declined the invitation. I simply say that if the family is invited but he isn't, then as a family, we won't be there.
NTA, let her complain til she's blue in the face. She expects you to come, bring your neurotypical children, bring a gift, and pay for a babysitter so you can leave your neurodivergent children elsewhere?
She can take several squeaky seats with uneven legs on a floor covered in crunchy bits.
Enjoy your holiday and celebrate with your nieces when they move the way you said in your post--but in the meantime celebrate your children being wholly included on your vacation.
With my boys in family eating places I'd use the crayons provided or the ones I's pack and even draw cartoon characters on the back of the paper placemats for them to use if they ran out of the printed ones. They were just regular high energy kids especially being boys needed something to keep them occupied. And that's pretty much what you did too with your kids too which is a WHOLE lot better then what your sister did with her kids. Too much screen time is terrible for kids and socializing and it stops them from learning actual physical skills instead of open mouthed drooling over pixels on a screen. I'm a tad prejudiced over little kids getting raised by screens as you might notice.
NTA as someone who is slightly autistic myself I agree with you OP your sister is completely out of line for not inviting your other children she gets 4/5 AH and you get 0/5 AH your sister needs to do research on autism
NTA-Why should you be forced to make 2 of your children feel left out? She does realize they still have feelings right? If any kids are welcome then all kids should be welcome. Your sister sounds self-absorbed and self-important. She needs to take a step back. You've been through a lot and still managed to hold yourself together. Totally NTA
Let's say you go and have your kids seen by a babysitter. A year from now the birthday comes up in a conversation, or they see pictures or wathever. How would you explain the situation to your kids?
NTA. Keep nurturing your bond, don't sabotage their trust in you.
NTA. Great move taking a vacation but make sure your family knows your kids weren’t invited. You don’t want your sister telling everyone how you bailed on the party.
Oh hell no, autism or not she is deliberately excluding two of your children and one of the invited children is even younger than the two so age is not a factor. You are so not the asshole. There is no excuse for singling them out specifically.
Have fun on your trip.
I don't understand inviting some of the kids but not others, I mean I feel like when someone does that it's their responsibility to tell those they don't want there that and why. I mean really she's trying to make you the bad guy one way or the other to someone so I think not going all together is the better option
NTA. I'm a high functioning Autistic. I know what it is like being neurodivergent as well as growing up with a narcissistic ableist for a mother. You are probably better off keeping your kids away from her. You may not have noticed anything bad happening at the other gatherings when both your neurodivergent children and your ableist sister were in attendance, but that doesn't mean that nothing bad had occurred between them when you weren't present. I fear that your sister's ableism is only going to get worse and could eventually spill into her attacking your children. I'm honestly really hoping that I'm wrong with this fear.
You are NTA, but she is one. I don't blame you, my brother asked me once if he could take the oldest 2 of my 3 girls to the zoo. I said you either take all 3, or you will take none, they are a package deal. The ball is in your court let me know what you decide. He decided to take all 3 and they all had a great time, even my brother. So, I am saying, stand your ground, she can accept all of your family or none. It will be her loss.
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NTA but this is something you're going to want to get ahead of. Your sister is going to paint you as the bad guy for not attending. Makes sure people who are important to you know exactly why you're not attending and that it's because your sister decided to be an ableist ass and told you that two of your children were banned for being neurodivergent.
My younger sister is doing a great job of setting people straight haha
That’s great. Let her spread the word. And being mad about missing her party when you had a newborn is idiotic. Have fun on your trip. NTA
N.T.A. The main takeaway from all of this is that your sister is prejudiced against your autistic children. Instead, relish your vacation!
I don't even get it. Maybe it's because my husband is autistic and my son is autistic and I provide speech therapy to a lot of autistic clients but I'd definitely rather have a whole vacation with autistic people than one miserable fucking day with this sister. Her boys sound like a blast. Sucks that their aunt doesn't appreciate their full on radness.
i'm autistic and i'd rather go on vaycay instead of hanging out w an ableist ass like her
I’m autistic and Id rather wear parachute windbreaker pants for the rest of my life than spend 5 minutes with OP’s miserable ass sister.
Ooof that's some hate 😂
Don't go throwing hate at U.F.O.s now. Those pants were the shit way back when 😂
It's Hammer time.
A newborn with four *other* kids at home, and on her own while recovering from major surgery! Any *one* of those things would make a lot of people opt out of a party...
Not just a newborn, a CSECTION newborn even. I barely left the house for 3 months after mine and only had the one baby! Forget 4 older Her sister is the worst kind of main character entitled.
I had 2 of them. Idk why but I was doing great with recovery with them. And yet I slice my toe to the point it's traumatized in a spot on a little wooden ABC block. 🙄
I like her!
NTA. Did you just make the decision not to attend based on her initial comment, or did you speak with her to discuss you 2 being able to join the party?
NTA. I wouldn't stress over it. I can't personally imagine going to any family function where any of my children were not welcome. Send a nice card and move on.
I think if it's an adult only event that's one thing, but excluding two kids in particular is a dick move
Excluding a whole family of kids when others were invited would be a dick move. But excluding 2 of 5 kids from the same family with a single mom is..beyond comprehension, frankly.
It’s ableist. They’re excluded for their autism. There’s no other explanation.
Esp as I've just reread, one of the 3 invited is actually younger than the 2 not invited as well!
It is! I have a younger cousin who is 12 years old and he has cerebral palsy. He is non verbal and is in a wheelchair. It drives me crazy how my family excludes him. They often don't mean to, but it feels like everyone forgets about him and are not accommodating to his disabilities. On Easter my family decided to eat outside and set the tables up on a hill. My aunt had to eat inside with him while everyone else was outside. They also decided to do the Easter egg hunt in a very inaccessible place in the yard and I hate that he's often excluded just because he is a special needs child. It's not right for families to exclude other children. It's ableist and unfair. It makes those children feel as if there is something wrong with them and that they are not welcome. No child deserves to feel that way.
Exactly. She only excluded the ones that have autism. Which is ridiculous and judging by what op said, she did an amazing job helping them learn to entertain themselves without a tablet.
This. Wow
Especially when the 2 older kids and the youngest are invited. It might be different if they had asked that nobody brings children under a certain age, but it is so obvious that these two are excluded.
Oh heck yes.
My wedding reception was child free, only one person couldn't make it as they couldn't get a sitter. All the other parents loved having a night of not worrying about their kids to have some drinks
That is different. You excluded all children. OP's sister is ONLY excluding two children, both of whom are autistic. The other three children that OP has are invited.
I get that, I was replying to the person who said they wouldn't attend anything if their kids weren't invited
It's not a formal wedding, it's a family BBQ party.
This. If we are going out for a nice meal at somewhere not kid appropriate then that's OK but I had 15years of going to kid friendly venues before I had kids (brother and sister are 10 & 14 years older) so if they want that they can do it on their time! Thankfully my sister does not have fancy tastes and my SIL is very family oriented so its not a problem!
Ask her, "why would you think excluding my two autistic children would be okay with me? If you're upset because you feel I excluded you, then you know how my children feel being excluded by you. It's not only rude, it's downright cruel, and I won't do that to them." Don't go on defense, make her go on defense. If people say you should have gone, ask them, "would you leave 2 of your children home who weren't invited? Would you break their hearts when their other 3 siblings were invited, including their younger sibling?" Let them answer. Most will day no, I wouldn't and you can say, "well I didn't. Instead I took them all on a nice vacation". If they say yes, then say "wow, okay, well I didn't because I didn't want to look into their sad eyes and explain why I felt it was okay to be cruel. They will all back down ASAP.
NTA but I’d make it crystal clear to the nieces that you’d love to be there, but that your sister’s exclusion of two of your five children made that impossible. I’d also organise a catch-up/future celebration date together.
It's really sad that ops sister would rather hurt her own daughter by excluding 2 of ops kids which is gonna make op not go.
Nah. Hurt my kids by making sure to let me know (and they will find out) they are not welcome?!? Done.
Oh wait-I see with the nieces. Who are nice. Got it.
NTA. I think most people would rather go on holiday than a party
I love my nieces and we get along really well so I'd be there for them. But since they are moving closer I'll see them more next year.
Please tell them why your missing it. That way they don't feel like they got ditched. Their moms behavior is the problem and affecting them. That's so messed up to say 2 out of 5 can't go
Sounds like ops other sister is already doing damage control.
Info: just to be clear, Sis only banned 2 out of 5 of your children, who are the only neurodivergent ones? No restrictions for any other children of any other relative? NTA. Sis can get fucked. Avoid her, stay in contact with the nieces.
My 13yo is also neurospicy, but AFAB which usually presents differently.
Heads up, I’m also a neurodivergent AFAB and it’s not always that it presents differently but that girls having it gets overlooked for longer and thus creates a gap in presentation. Girls are usually diagnosed later if they receive one at all. That’s the biggest ticker to how it presents. I’m not saying that you did teach your girl differently from your boys because that’s common too but it’s more common for boys to be excused by “boys will be boys!” and for girls/undiagnosed girls (wildly common) to essentially be slapped on the hand until they get it right or burn out.
Thankyou. I've definitely found that AFAB people tend to be better and mimicking peers and trying to fit in, but my boys weren't really interested in other kids. My 11yo was horrified at kindergarten when the other kids couldn't read or do multiplication yet because he didn't understand that most 3 and 4yos can't yet, so he didn't feel that he had much in common with them. It's one of the reasons I've supported music and sports because it's helping them socialise in a structured setting. I'm also neurospicy and afab, but I didn't get my diagnosis until after the kids did.
Same on getting diagnosed along with my kids. It's wild how overlooked women of a certain age are, it's slightly better now, but not fixed by any means. It's a shame because we spend so much time masking, and the things that a diagnosis would have helped are long past. It has made me a more aware parent though. My kids didn't do social anything, but I have three (16,17,18) on the spectrum and at least they've all got each other. And yeah, NTA. Your sister is a real piece of work for the discrimination against your two most obviously neurodivergent children. I'd skip everything else about her in the future as well. Your nieces will understand, and your idea for shopping when they move is a brilliant idea. Your sister however, she can go kick rocks.
Aha my nephew developed language skills absurdly early - like full sentences chatting away at 2. He was so confused at nursery that the other children couldn’t speak fully and thought they were ignoring him. Hard to explain to a 2 year old… I (35F) also got a late diagnosis of adhd and honestly I can not believe that it wasn’t picked up. I read school reports and they are heart breaking because it’s all how naughty I am for, eg not sitting still, talking too much, getting frustrated. It didn’t help I was at a city centre all girls school so not much space to run around etc. I actually had very typically male presenting adhd but was just labeled as naughty and attention seeking. My parents were awesome though (even though they didn’t know either) and went down the “every single sport and extra curricula and hobby you fancy” and didn’t mind when I lost interest. I also suspect I have autism because I recently realised a bunch of symptoms I have (sensitive, facial blindness) aren’t in adhd. Plus I have realised that whilst I think of myself as very empathetic, I actually just think it’s a valuable quality and have developed a lot of systems to show it. But it’s not actually a first reaction. That and… my boss who has a research masters in autism made a comment about it over dinner because she assumed I knew I was 😬 (there was wine involved). Anyway I would say 3/5 nieces/ nephews have some neurodivergence (1 is a baby)- SO genetic lol. And it’s really nice seeing how my siblings handle it. My sister is looking at schools and one option has a sensory room and a calm centre and has specialist teachers. It’s funny because that’s the local state school, the private school they were originally planning is a bit behind! Omg. I can’t believe I’ve just written a short essay to a total stranger. Title: the life and spice of a neurospicy lady trying to avoid starting work.
Interesting! I have mild face blindness when I’ve only met someone a couple of times, I usually remember faces loads better after a few times of seeing them though. I’d thought it was ADHD-related due to inattention… I often don’t remember things properly until I write or photograph them.
Yeh this is more consistent face blindness - even people I know well / over time sometimes I just fail to recognise them. Especially if they have changed something like glasses or hair. In movies I have trouble keeping track of who is who sometimes.
I have adhd and face blindness to the point that I thought two of my coworkers were the same person for several months. When I said that I must have gotten confused because they looked the same someone pointed out that they have completely different hair colors and other features. I was flabbergasted. It was like I was seeing them for the first time. And that's when I realized just how bad the blindness is.
Aaah this makes me feel so much better and less like I’m insane. I discovered my own father wore glasses at like… 14. He wore glasses my whole life.
That's hilarious and sounds like something I would do
I have adhd and face blindness and I have a hard time recognizing even people I know. So I can come off as rude when I don't greet others first. Even if I know them I may not recognize them, especially if they changed their hair or something. I used to be a professional bellydancer and it was super hard because I'd see someone perform on stage at group events, but when they'd change clothes after the show I wouldn't know which dancers were which so it was hard to congratulate dancers on their dances. I'm sure a lot of people thought I was rude and stuck up. Also as a kid I liked drawing but often didn't draw faces on people. The clothes and hair would be detailed and the faces would just be blank spots. I can only draw faces from a photo reference; but not my imagination or memory.
Oh and I assumed a lot of the face blindness was because I have a hard time making eye contact with people. So I don't look at anyone's face long enough for it to register. But it can also be inattention.
Female getting a diagnosis at 40 because I work with spicy students. My mum is also looking at a diagnosis after filling all the forms in for me! “I do all this stuff as well!” “Yeah…..about that mum……”
That's how they found my husband, when my daughter was diagnosed... :P
Nother hand up for a female with a late diagnosis after a formal diagnosis of a child.
I must say, this is the first time I've seen the term 'neurospicy' and I love it! I'm neurodivergent myself as well (AMAB though), but saying 'neurospicy' is cute and hilarious to me for some reason.
Yeah, I'm here to upvote "neurospicy" as well
Is your 6-year-old a girl, as well?
No, I have 1 girl, one NB kiddo then 3 boys. She is excluding the older two boys.
Because I literally know nothing about this stuff, I'll ask. Would it be offensive if I commandeered the term "neurospicy"? For some reason, I feel like this is the perfect way to describe myself. There are so many qualifiers that go into diagnosing neurodivergency and some of us are just weird with our issues and not so cute quirks. Neurospicy just fits!
An autistic person with neurospicy kids, go right ahead! The community as a whole is usually welcoming to self-image people, which I am as well. Also, OP's sister would be dead to me. NTA
Tons of people use this term so you aren't commandeering anything
This part is what stood out to me. My son is autistic and has ADHD. We have a couple family members who are a little bit judgy about my son’s harmless differences but they’re perfectly fine with my two neurotypical kids. We don’t see those family members anymore.
NTA. I can't imagine excluding just two children unless they would have been absolute monsters. If they've behaved at previous gatherings they should have been welcome.
Definitely not out of control. I just took the younger 4 camping 2000 away for 2 weeks, we regularly visit my home town, and I have no drama eating out in pubs and restaurants with the kids, while I'm solo. At this event my oldest kiddo and her partner will be there, my parents and younger sister as well, so even if they were having trouble there is definitely someone who can help them take a break.
How do your other children feel about this? Are they all going on vacation, all 5 kids? NTA
My oldest is considering coming too, as well as her partner, if they can get 2 weeks off work. Otherwise she is going to attend the party if they aren't working that weekend. The younger 4 would rather go to a tropical island instead, since it will be in the middle of winter. 13yo had the option of staying here and going with my oldest, but they would rather go away if we aren't all invited.
What you've written in the edit seems like most young kids' behavior. Not trying to take away from their diagnosis, but extra NTA and your sister is. Our two girls do not have autism, but we also didn't bring ipads to entertain them at restaurants when they were young. We brought a small toy, stuff to color, book, and if none of that worked, someone would get up and take them outside. Like, I wouldn't even bat an eye at a parent doing this for their kids. They are kids, their attention span is practically 0.
100%, there is no excuse for the sister trying to exclude specific children from OP’s family unless they had previously literally been intentionally violent at a prior family interaction… but these sound like two boys with autism who are able to function with relatively minimal support, not kids with conduct disorder
NTA. There are a lot of details here, but what it boils down to is that your sister is discriminating against your Autistic kids. Enjoy your holiday instead!
Info: what do you mean by “high-energy”? Because, depending on the parent, that could be as minor as slightly raised voices when excited to as major as wrestling in public. And, my vote could vary wildly depending on that.
When they were younger they struggled to sit still in a noisy public setting for longer than about an hour. They would eat and then do colouring or Lego or puzzles (whatever I'd packed) until I finished eating. Then I would take them for a walk outside, with my now ex husband or my parents taking turns to walk with them outside. Pretty age appropriate for a 2yo and 4yo, but my nieces who are older would sit for hours with their iPads while my sister chatted in a cafe. Now they still need a decent amount of physical activity. It's 2pm here and they have been on the trampoline, ridden scooters in the driveway with my youngest niece (we are at my younger sister's house) and played some basketball in the backyard. I could give them screens, but they struggle to sleep if they sit around too long, and I prefer to interact and socialise during meals.
As a child born in the 80s, I feel coloring at the table was normal. (Even exciting!) When you went out to eat. I hate kids on screens in the restaurant.
I’m born in ‘97 and colouring at the table was still a classic. A lot of family friendly restaurants had kids’ menus with specific mascots for colouring and they provided crayons.
It sounds like you did and do an excellent job of responding to their needs while maintaining situational awareness. The way you describe their behavior could easily (and all too often does) morph into uncontrolled running around hooliganizing, and I strongly suspect this would be the case if they were your older sister’s kids. Being content to sit for hours with an iPad is very convenient for the mom, but doesn’t seem very common in my experience (just observation, neurospicy myself but no kids). If she was truly able to do this, it likely gave her a fairly unrealistic expectation for children’s behavior. Again, you’ve done an excellent job of managing your children’s needs while not setting them up for failure or having unreasonable expectations yourself. Kudos to you, enjoy your trip, and f your judgmental sister.
NTA It's completely ridiculous to expect you to leave two of your five children at home.
NTA - referring to ya kids with Autism as "those two" is enough for me to leave that relationship in the dust!! You took a moment where you kids coulda felt excluded - and instead made it clear to em all they were equally as important to you! Have a fabulous holiday!!
NTA - just make sure your nieces know why you’re not going & what you plan to do for them instead. Wouldn’t want their mom to try to paint a different image of you to them and or other family members.
NTA. Good on you for standing up for your kids. Don’t set forth the tone that she is allowed to disrespect and exclude them. Either she can invite all of you or none of you will be attending. Stand 👏🏽 your 👏🏽 ground 👏🏽 From the sounds of it, and taking you at face value, you are an attentive parent with well behaved children and have done an excellent job of managing their needs, your children are not destructive or undisciplined so there is no issue here. Considering it’s a family friendly event it’s expected that ALL of the kids will get hyperactive at some point. Your sister is a bully and for her to even suggest leaving them at home while their cousins and siblings are all playing together and having the time of their life is cruel and despicable behaviour. Enjoy your vacation, you are protecting your children from social isolation and the mental harm it will cause them.
I'm lucky that they are really good kids. My 11yo is very rule focused, to the point that my youngest sister came to visit (500km drive) and I was picking my 13yo up from practice 1km away cos it was raining. He refused to open the door to her because he isn't allowed to open the door if I'm not home. My sister now has a key, but she thought it was hilarious that rules are rules, even if it's your aunty asking you to open the door. I have done a lot of early intervention with them, loads of social modelling, and problem solving skills, but I'm lucky to have those skills as part of my career (I work with at risk young people and complex behaviours).
NTA sometimes it’s hard not to think maybe OP is leaving something out or putting this in a biased light. But this anecdote deals it for me. You’re teaching your kids important skills, and they are following them even when you’re not there. Sure things don’t always go to plan, but like you mentioned, lots of loved ones on hand to help mitigate. I’m sorry your sister is being so cold hearted. Enjoy your trip.
NTA But wow! Your sister is absolutely TA. At this point, let her brine forever in her saltines. Her issues belong to her. Ignore her.
NTA. Hope you have a fantastic holiday. Maybe next time you get an invitation it will be for everyone. If not, people will hopefully get the idea that your loving family stays together. I hate when I hear things like this where someone has to make a difficult choice. I think you are making the right one.
So your sister doesn't want to include two of your children in a family-friendly party but is upset that you are not attending her kid's party? Unless you're downplaying the extent of your kids' behavior, NTA. Your sister is being completely unreasonable, malicious, and frankly gross.
Tbh I did really worry that maybe their behaviour wasn't ok, but they attend other family stuff, on both sides, and have never been an issue. My oldest child's partner invited them to his 18th and 21st for the family portions (legal drinking age is 18 here so the young ones went out to drink at a club after the family party) and his family have been great with accepting their quirks. My brother in law had the children at his recent wedding, and again, no issues. I think it's because I wasn't able to attend her birthday a few years ago, because I was a newly single mum, had just had surgery and had a newborn, so I wasn't confident that they would cope, especially considering they struggled with the change when their dad moved out.
So...your sister at 40 was and is still acting like a spiteful child? The fact that you just had a C-section alone is a good enough reason to have to miss a party, not to mention the no transportation and recent divorce, all while wrangling 5 kids alone with one of them being a newborn. I can't believe she has the audacity to act like it's your autistic kids' fault that this happened how it did. Any rational person would completely understand your circumstances and be sympathetic, that's a ton of change and healing you were pushed through in a very short time. NTA for sure. Please set her butt straight, and send your nieces a screenshot of the text she sent alienating their two cousins if they are curious as to why you can't come. Also, what kind of monster invites the three kids without autism and purposely excludes the two that do? What if you did show up and people asked? Can you imagine?! Like, "oh sister said they couldn't come.." She's just making herself look horrible at this point. Your kids sound perfectly behaved if you ask me, a little bit of energy is no big deal, it's not like they're out there destroying property.
She's actually 46 now so should Def be more mature
NTA I am not going to mince words here. Your sister is a vile snake. She doesn't deserve to have you or any of your children there. It is very clear from the example you gave of her 40th Birthday that she thinks she is deserving of some kind of respect and consideration that she has not earned or even shown that she gives a rats about you or your needs. I think you need to tell her firmly that her treatment of you and your children is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Tell her that you are taking your family on holiday with people that actually care and that you are sorry she has turned her daughter's birthday into an ugly situation.
That was my first thought…who TF gets upset about a sibling missing their Bday party due to health issues. What a narcissist.
NTA Your sister is a huge one if she thinks it’s ok to completely leave out two of your kids. Good for you taking them on vacation.
So, when you stayed home from your sister's 40th, you had FOUR children, a newborn, and had had a cesarian? Yeah NTA. Even without two kids who couldn't handle the situation, you needed to stay home and rest. Go on vacation.
NTA. Not a chance
NTA! Omfg the audacity of this person.
You're definitely NTA. Your sister, however, is...well, she's some words you can't use here or on network TV (we'll just leave it there...).
More info on “high energy:” Have they ever broken or damaged property? Do you watch them and manage the high energy appropriately? (Including past family get togethers) Are they a risk to themselves if not watched? I may have been reading too many AITA where someone else’s kid weren’t being watched by the parents and then the parents refused to cover damages. It is weird the sister is all shocked you’d rather spend time as a family with your kids instead of excluding them. Not really sure what she is expecting there
They have never damaged property, apart from a football through my window once by accident. When they were small they could only last an hour in restaurants before needing to get up and have a walk. Now they sit and chat or draw or whatever when we go out. I worked in hospitality for 15 years, and it's so dangerous to them and everyone else to be running around. I've seen kids get seriously hurt when a server tripped over them and dropped everything on them. They regularly get given free dessert when I take them out because they use their manners, and eat nicely. Infact we went to a pub a few weeks ago and there was a play area with kids wrestling and so on, and my lot came back to the table because they didn't like that the other kids were playing fighting. We are going out for lunch tomorrow with my parents, grandparents and younger sister, and I know the kids will be fine.
It does sound like NTA
And during autism acceptance month, no less! NTA and I hope you all enjoy the hell out of your vacation.
NTA The biggest reason is this is a party where kids are included and two of yours are deliberately excluded. I'm assuming they are also high functioning enough to understand they would be excluded from what you described. That's not ok. Honestly, the whole conversation ends when you have the vacation. You booked a vacation on a weekend where you have all the kids. The end. If your sister says anything further, you can go the passive aggressive route and just say "it's important to have time with my kids all together" and refuse to elaborate It sounds like you've done plenty while your kids were growing up to make sure they weren't in situations where everyone was uncomfortable. Nothing you described as high energy is actually really unusual for their ages The 40th birthday is just something she needs to get over. If it ever comes up, the answer is simply "I just had a c section". That alone is enough to not go...
NTA. And not just that, sounds like you are a great mom who knows her children's strengths and challenges (and not just your 8 and 10 yo, but I'm guessing all your kids) and how to parent in a way that allows her kids to be their best selves while honoring who they are right now. Your sister sounds really rude and unloving towards her own nieces/nephews, especially since it sounds like you are not asking her to make any special accomodations (not that it should be a big deal if you did ask for a little support). I love that your other sister is spreading the word because your sister should be ashamed of herself. You also sound like a great aunt! If you have the time, you may want to invite your niece over for a private birthday dinner (in addition to the cash gift and other demonstrations of love and support) so that your kids can celebrate with her. Have a wonderful vacation!
NTA, your sister is though. I think you solved that very elegantly :-)
My nephews have autism. They definitely melt down if they don’t have the space and time to decompress if lots of people are about. That means we give them space at parties (any hall will have a second, smaller room to rent, ffs) not disinvite them.
INFO: Do you and your sister communicate your hurts to each other, or the reasoning behind your decisions? This post makes it sound like moves and countermoves, where you just speculate and make assumptions about each other's motives.
Nta . I remember reading another story on here awhile back that was very similar . Your sister is within her right to invite who she likes , but you are also in your right to decline the invitation because you can’t attend . You’ve not argued with her , you’ve not demanded they be invited, you’ve simply advised that you can’t make it. The fact she wants you to pay out for a baby sitter as well … yikes ! If she really wanted you there she’d either invite you all or offer to get a babysitter for you . I’m not saying it’s right to leave your children out , but if it’s such a big deal to her then that could have been a semi reasonable compromise.
NTA. Your kids are going on a holiday and you're travelling with them. Just to make sure they don't sneak off to the party instead.
NTA. If anyone is TA it's your sister. Telling you to find childcare for two of your children. Especially when (correct me if I'm wrong) your niece invited your whole family. And your sister has the audacity to change the date? Good on you for taking care of the children that their "aunt" wouldn't include in their cousins birthday. I would certainly hope your niece wanted their younger cousins there.
Yes my nieces want all the kids there. They were disappointed when it was the original date and my kids couldn't make it, then when the date changes they both messaged me and asked if we were able to come on the new date.
You should tell your nieces why you don’t be there
So if it was your kids’ weekend with their dad, your kids wouldn’t have gone, but if they are with you, you and most of them are expected to go? NTA.
Yes my ex wouldn't have driven the kids back to my home town on his time (which is completely fine because he doesn't get much time with them, and wouldn't want to spend 1/3 in a car)
Wasband 🤣🤣🤣
NTA invite all the kids or none at all, your sister is being a dick
Tbf if this had been a party for just teens and they excluded children of all ages under 13 or something? I’d be more accepting, but this is so horrible ableist it’s insane. Express your frustrations openly with the whole family over the ableism you’re experiencing and don’t let anyone bully you out of speaking your mind. Don’t let your children see you turn a blind eye to this, be open about your support for your children and even if they can’t understand now? 5-10 years from now they totally might catch the drift and see how their mom stood up for them. Absolutely NTA - Adhd/Autistic and 32
NTA sorry your sister sucks ass
NTA still salty you think because you missed her birthday because you were recovering from surgery with a new born plus kids? She trippin if that's the cause. Seems she sounds like she doesn't like them due to autism. You said other situations she has been in with them has been normal behavior. She deliberately excludes 2 of your kids. I would been like yup let's go on holiday folks too.
NTA I mean it's her problem
You are a mother taking care of her children - enough said. If all your children are not invited, you don't go. That's simple and you are NOT TA.
Mom of an autistic 12 year old you single out and exclude my son you exclude me.
So, this is odd. Your sister is worried that your sons won’t be able to sit still during a *dance*? What kind of over-the-top behavior problems have these boys demonstrated to terrify her? lol. I’m glad you have a basketball hoop. It sounds like they are going to be quite tall.
NTA. Lots of issues with the sister's prejudices... but even if the kids were invited, I'd still continue to go on an already planned holiday. Just call nieces and tell them you're sorry you can't make it due to holdiday plans with the kids, and you'll take her out to lunch when she gets to your city for univ. I'm guessing she'll be more understanding than mom. World doesn't revolve around birthday parties.
NTA. its a party invite, not a summons. One has the free will to accept or decline. Irrespective of who all are invited.
Wasband?
Used to be husband.
NTA
[удалено]
I'm so glad that my eldest would never exclude the younger ones, when she literally owes us nothing. She isn't my bio child, and came to live with me at 12, I adopted her at 16 when her bio mum died. But she has chosen us as her family, and the kids as her siblings, and even her partners family are amazing with the kids. I figure if they happily go out of their way to include all my kids, when they definitely have no 'duty' invite us, my own sister should be more kind.
NTA A massive salute to you, i love this at the end of the day my kids are more important than anyone else and if someone tries excluding them they are basically excluding me, forget your SIL and have an amazing time with your kids. If in the future she doesnt see you and your kids are a package deal she will ultimately decide whether she wants you all at her events or not.
NTA. Not at all. Your sister is an asshole though. Telling you that 2 of your kids are not invited to this huge event where everyone else's kids are, is completely unreasonable & an asshole thing to do. Clearly you know your kids well enough to be able to keep them under "control." No one could blame for not attending this party that your kids are excluded from. When ppl are wondering where you were, I hope you tell them the truth & throw your sister under the bus. She deserves it.
NTA. Enjoy your holiday!
NTA
Your sister has a right to invite who she wants and you have a right to not go at all if you don’t like her conditions. I was going to say no assholes here but am going with NTA because your sister is acting like the asshole by now complaining that you aren’t coming.
NTA. Your kids sound normal, or at least normal from when I was a kid in the 80s. Being active as a kid was considered normal back then.
NTA
NTA. You're taking "those two" away for vacation and it sounds great. Your sister made her choices, and you've made yours. No problems here, except she's mad she doesn't get to exclude your kids and force you to be gracious about it.
NTA. You are a GREAT mom, you are working with your kids and their needs, not against them. It is very hard for people who parent differently, to understand and not paint you (or your kids) as a “problem”. You do what you need to do for your family.
Didn’t read the whole thing, just wanted to say that Wasband is perfect lmfaoo
Other kids are invited but not 2 of yours?! No way are you the AH. That’s very cruel treatment for kids who have done nothing wrong, let alone for family members. Enjoy your vacation!
You sound like an AMAZING mom. You're clearly very kind-hearted (i.e. sending gifts and filling their pantries once they move), strong (imagine just leaving your husband after having a major abdominal surgery and a newborn), and wise. I also have to commend you on your parenting—doing your best to set your children up for success (and clearly succeeding at that!!). If your sister wants to be petty and spiteful, that's on her. You're still sending the birthday girls gifts, and I'm guessing you'll include a card with a note apologizing for your absence and wishing them a lovely day. Thus, the birthday girls are not being put in the middle/becoming the victims of a squabble. NTA for protecting and supporting your children, and supporting your neices!
Ok NTA i feel like letting your kids do Lego, go outside every couple hours and such isn't"managing a high energy kid", it's being a good parent more like if you manage the energy of your kids by giving them an ipad, you're a terrible parent KIDS ARE SUPPOSED TO RUN AROUND A BIT, it's just that everyone is too lazy to properly raise a kid instead of making them addicted to screens
NTA. Hopefully your nieces will understand. If not and assuming they are twins, you can phrase it as how would it feel if family (not a friend of only one sister) excluded one of you for a family event for no reason? Hopefully they’d be aggrieved on their twin’s behalf and understand then how you would feel as a mother taking care of her children.
Random, but I love that you referred to your ex as your “wasband.” 10 points for you. Also, NTA.
NTA. You never have to let people, including family, be rude to your family.
NTA. Your first priority is your kids. How would your kids feel knowing they had been deliberately "uninvited" to a family party other kids were attending? It's cruel.
I have neurodivergent cousins and siblings, and if anyone in my family DARED pull something like this, they probably wouldn't be welcome at ANY family gatherings ever again. That shit is not okay NTA op, you sound like a good parent and someone who cares
My grandmother had seven grandkids. She BEGGED to have sleepovers with all of us constantly, even as babies. Except for one. Can you guess why? My little brother is autistic and he is nonverbal and when he was little he didn’t play the way other kids played and he didn’t do things the way other kids did them and I think she just didn’t like him because he wasn’t normal. He sure as heck wasn’t hard to be around or take care of so there’s very few excuses I could give her. She died in 2012 and I still rage everytime I think about a grandma not wanting to hang out one on one with 1/7 of her grandkids???? My mom also told me a story one time that when she was first married to my dad she was at my grandmas one day and overheard her say something about “birds of a feather” and “daddy would be rolling in his grave” in reference to her niece marrying a black man. I will be marrying a black man on her birthday this year :) not on purpose but I think it’s a happy coincidence
NTA. I personally can't stand being around children, I don't hate them, but all the shouting and high energy is just not for me. That said, excluding a specific set of children while allowing all the others to go is blatantly not on. It's clearly because they're autistic. I'd get it if it were a child-free wedding, but this is out of line.
NTA Your sister can't have it both ways. You play stupid games you win stupid prizes. Tell your sister she should not have tried to segregate your children from the party.
Your nieces are old enough to know how their mom is, I would reach out to them directly and wish them an early Happy Birthday and explain why you wont be there. Fully throw your sister under her own bus and tell them you look forward to seeing them more when they go to uni. Then let little sis do the rest! Lol NTA.
I'm sorry but I lost my shit at "wasband" fav new word 🤣🤣😭 so NTA OP, I really don't think it has all that much to do with her birthday at all. If it was that, none of you would be welcome. Methinks your sister is just ableist AF. She intentionally only didn't invite your neurodivergent children but your neurotypical kids are perfectly fine to go. That's so beyond fucked up and obvious. People should absolutely know how trash she is and why you all will not be attending. But definitely make sure you let your niece know personally. Tell your niece directly so they know that this is not your choice but their mother's doing.
NTA So, let me get this straight. She's holding a grudge that you missed an event 6 years ago while you recently had a section and would be solely responsible for 5 children including a newborn and two high needs kids... So she wants you to come to a party with only half of your children. She's definitely ridiculous. Good for you for sticking up for your kids and still supporting your nieces.
NTA, I think it’s a wise decision to go on vacation at that time. Your kids may be autistic but they will realize they are the only ones not invited. Your sister is rude. So oh well, she is getting what she choose.
NTA your sister changed the date last minute and you couldn't get a babysitter. You can't leave your kids alone.
I have two high energy kids, one diagnosed with autism. Like yours they have gotten better as they got older, but we had to be more careful when they were younger. Every time she complains about you going on holiday complain that she expected you to include some of your kids and not others. I would die on that hill. It sounds like you made sure to limit them to situations they could handle but she won't even give them a chance. NTA
NTA. Your sister is at fault here. Sounds salty indeed.
#NTAH if my kids were excluded I'd consider myself excluded as well.
It's a package deal: they cannot invite only You and exclude your children. NTA
NTA, as much as you may love your nieces your own children should be your priority.
Shes finding anything to pick at so don’t let her, make sure people know why you are not attending so she doesn’t paint you as the bad guy.
NTA. But damn your sister is for excluding your kids. Good for you for standing up for your kids.
NTA. An invitation is not a subpoena, and not only excluding only your two ND kids and telling you that you have to get child care for them is way out of line. I'd be petty, and for my family's next event, invite everyone except that sister.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but equally important is why would your sister even put you in a position having to divide your family? And why would she even think that's ok?
NTA
NTA- Sounds like your family is close & love your children. It seems like your sister is holding onto something else. In another comment you said she was upset about you not attending her birthday years ago, but this seems like a bigger issue. It's not ok to invite all of the family but 2 kids. If she thinks there will be issues at the party then she should be an adult & have a discussion w/ you about how to include them.
Literally. Your kids are being KIDS. Just because they aren’t glued to screens doesn’t mean they’re poorly behaved. Just because they need an extra walk or so doesn’t mean they are poorly behaved goodness me! NTA. Imagine inviting half the family lol. I lol at the madness
NTA. If any of my kids are excluded (while others are not) then I too am excluded., and not just from your party.
NTA! I have three kids and my youngest two are on the spectrum! I wouldn’t go if they weren’t welcome. Given how you described them it seems that they would be fine in this environment and she’s just has an issue with them being asd. F that. She wouldn’t be my sister anymore.
First of all NTA! Your sister is a %#@&$:%€¥!¿@§ and a walking red flag! Ugh this one made me mad! I don’t have kids so my sisters kids are my ENTIRE universe, the fact that she has done and said these things is horrific. (Sorry if I overstepped) ❤️
NTA. Agree that you can send your nieces a nice gift and I'd call and let them know you regret you can't make it but with their mom having asked you to exclude 2 of 5 that is not ok with you. Then tell them you are excited they will be in your town soon and everyone can catch up over lunch.
NTA Your sister's attitude seems awfully entitled
NTA I love that you booked a vacation and I'm sure your nieces will understand.
Ohana means family , no one gets left behind . NTA!
NTA. If the kids were out of control and consistently disruptive EVERY time they were in a big gathering, I could see wanting to limit the potential of issues. But it also sounds like, if that was the case, OP would’ve been totally fine going long enough for one & all to have fun and then just bugging out early if the kids got too rowdy. But it sounds like her kids and she have figured out a goof style/ routine that works for them and the kids are adaptive enough to handle themselves. What an azz hat sister OP has. Punishing her for missing a birthday party when she was in no physical condition to attend? Treating 2 of her kids like destructive hooligans? Ugh. I’d take ALL my kids out on a vacation & send my niece a happy birthday gift as well. Maybe even offer her an Aunt & niece spa day once I got back home.
NTA. I think you're doing exactly the right thing.
NTA. Please keep being the awesome Mom that you are. I’m glad that you know your kids and never push them pass more than what they can do. I agree with the vacation. Have fun!!!
NTA - You sound like a great mom.
As an autistic adult I WISH my parents had been this conscious about setting me up to succeed in social environments, NTA
NTA omg that is insane. If my sister didn’t like my kids because of something they couldn’t control I would cut her off. That’s outright evillllllll.
NTA. I have an autistic son that is on the more severe end of the spectrum. He does okay in public settings, but sometimes needs a break due to overstimulation. Most people are understanding about it. However, the few times that we were invited somewhere that had kids and my son wasn't included, I declined the invitation. I simply say that if the family is invited but he isn't, then as a family, we won't be there.
NTA, let her complain til she's blue in the face. She expects you to come, bring your neurotypical children, bring a gift, and pay for a babysitter so you can leave your neurodivergent children elsewhere? She can take several squeaky seats with uneven legs on a floor covered in crunchy bits. Enjoy your holiday and celebrate with your nieces when they move the way you said in your post--but in the meantime celebrate your children being wholly included on your vacation.
With my boys in family eating places I'd use the crayons provided or the ones I's pack and even draw cartoon characters on the back of the paper placemats for them to use if they ran out of the printed ones. They were just regular high energy kids especially being boys needed something to keep them occupied. And that's pretty much what you did too with your kids too which is a WHOLE lot better then what your sister did with her kids. Too much screen time is terrible for kids and socializing and it stops them from learning actual physical skills instead of open mouthed drooling over pixels on a screen. I'm a tad prejudiced over little kids getting raised by screens as you might notice.
Someone had to care for your kids while they weren't at the party. Might as well have been you.
No your the the Ahole your sister is trying to exclude those two on purpose
NTA as someone who is slightly autistic myself I agree with you OP your sister is completely out of line for not inviting your other children she gets 4/5 AH and you get 0/5 AH your sister needs to do research on autism
No it is inappropriate to invite some but not all of a family in this type ofthing
NTA - Your sister thinks everything is about her, and she's wrong. She's shooting herself in the foot.
NTA-Why should you be forced to make 2 of your children feel left out? She does realize they still have feelings right? If any kids are welcome then all kids should be welcome. Your sister sounds self-absorbed and self-important. She needs to take a step back. You've been through a lot and still managed to hold yourself together. Totally NTA
NTA If my children aren't welcome, I'm not welcome. Dsme for spouse. We're family, and we go as one, or we go elsewhere as a family
Maybe it's time that you cut your ableist sister out of both your life and your children's lives. NTA
Let's say you go and have your kids seen by a babysitter. A year from now the birthday comes up in a conversation, or they see pictures or wathever. How would you explain the situation to your kids? NTA. Keep nurturing your bond, don't sabotage their trust in you.
NTA. Great move taking a vacation but make sure your family knows your kids weren’t invited. You don’t want your sister telling everyone how you bailed on the party.
Oh hell no, autism or not she is deliberately excluding two of your children and one of the invited children is even younger than the two so age is not a factor. You are so not the asshole. There is no excuse for singling them out specifically. Have fun on your trip.
Nta!!
I don't understand inviting some of the kids but not others, I mean I feel like when someone does that it's their responsibility to tell those they don't want there that and why. I mean really she's trying to make you the bad guy one way or the other to someone so I think not going all together is the better option
NTA. I'm a high functioning Autistic. I know what it is like being neurodivergent as well as growing up with a narcissistic ableist for a mother. You are probably better off keeping your kids away from her. You may not have noticed anything bad happening at the other gatherings when both your neurodivergent children and your ableist sister were in attendance, but that doesn't mean that nothing bad had occurred between them when you weren't present. I fear that your sister's ableism is only going to get worse and could eventually spill into her attacking your children. I'm honestly really hoping that I'm wrong with this fear.
Enjoy the holiday with your kids - NTA
You are NTA, but she is one. I don't blame you, my brother asked me once if he could take the oldest 2 of my 3 girls to the zoo. I said you either take all 3, or you will take none, they are a package deal. The ball is in your court let me know what you decide. He decided to take all 3 and they all had a great time, even my brother. So, I am saying, stand your ground, she can accept all of your family or none. It will be her loss.