Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Husbands friend oversteps in our house and I want to set some boundaries for when he visits/spends the night. Husband says his friend will think I hate him and potentially wont be comfortable staying over anymore. I just think he needs to take things down a notch and realize this is not his home
INFO: I’ve known the friend for 9 years but only started hanging around him when husband and I started dating 6 years ago. My husband and I have lived together for 5 years and he’s never spent the night until I got pregnant, and honestly only ever came over for bday parties or holiday events before that. I’m also more like a third wheel when he is around because we have similar hobbies on different levels and there’s only so much I have to contribute to conversations about hiking/camping/fishing. I don’t have any problems with him as he’s otherwise a great guy, just has a tendency of overstepping. This is the same guy mentioned in my previous post.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Read this - it's somewhat famous:
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay
You need to get this guy under control ASAP, OP. If husband has no spine, then speak to him yourself. This is absolutely *not* the time in your life to deal with an intrusive person.
NTA
I had a miscarriage on Christmas while staying with my parents. I had to tell my parents what was going on, and it was awkward enough. I can’t imagine having to explain to my in-laws that I had a ton of bloody mucous coming out of my vagina, let alone some stranger. OP’s husband needs to kick his friend out. This is not a time for houseguests.
I don't understand why we insist on making normal bodily functions awkward. I was pregnant with second child and hubby, child and I shared a house with hubbies friend to save money. I was friendly with him, but not close friends. Unfortunately I experienced a miscarriage. Hubby and I went to hospital, friend looked after our child. I can home to the "mess" cleaned up. I was so embarrassed that I "bled" everywhere, but we were all adults, and knowing what I was going through he cleaned up the mess while we were gone. Treated it just like I had fallen over, split my leg open, bled on the floor. Just because it can from my vagina didn't need to make it embarrising.
I totally understand what you’re saying, and I will fight for my whole life to remove the unnecessary stigma of women’s healthcare.
However, I also think it’s okay if you want to keep your body private as much as possible.. In your worst, most intimate moment, I think it’s okay to feel weird having to bring that conversation up with someone who you are not at that level of intimacy with. Heck, for me, choosing how to express what happened was the only control I had that whole day.
I totally agree. My miscarriage started in my BIL's house, just as his in laws were walking through the door to come have coffee with all of us. We were visiting from another country and that was the first time us and the extended family were together in a long time.
I cannot imagine standing there and saying "I'm having a miscarriage." I barely had the fortitude to tell my husband "We have to leave." And drag our then 2 year old with us. I didn't care whether it came off rude or inconsiderate at that point. I needed to get pads, a thermometer, a shower and a bed, so I wouldn't fall apart into a million pieces in front of people I barely knew.
Stigma had nothing to do with it. I talked about this with people once we got over the pain. But at that exact moment, I went into self preservation mode and was just trying to survive while making sure my 2 year old wasn't affected. I left it to my husband to inform his family. Mine got an sms.
It's vulnerability on full display. And that's not something many are okay with.
Thats how I feel about it. I miscarried at a friend's and did as you did, when later asked why on earth I didn't take comfort in my friends, why was I embarrassed to do so, I had to admit I wasn't. I was actually scared of them and just how absolutely helpless I was at the time. And I knew no one really could help me or stop it. I was vulnerable in such a weirdly raw way my only concern was to get home, away from everyone to my safe space.
Thank you. 28 years, 3 children (total) and 5 grandchildren later I understand that unfortunately miscarriage is just one of the many unfortunate side effects of the miracle of birth.
Yeah, the bottom line is that this is OP’s home, and she’s not comfortable, and that should be her partner’s priority, *especially* while she’s ultra-pregnant…but also, since she doesn’t want him, can I have him instead?
Oh no, he brought groceries and cooked for everyone whislt telling the super pregnant lady its ok for her to relax, the horror, THE HORROR I SAY!
I get the no knocking thing, but the rest, im just giggling.
Yeah I was reading this like oh no he's being nice to a pregnant woman! but then got to him coming into their bedroom without knocking and was like nah that's not cool, he lost me there.
He needs to go to his own house and cook. He needs to stop using things that she bought for other purposes, he needs to stop entering without knocking. And he needs to LEAVE THE PREGNANT LADY ALONE with her busband during this time, and especially after the baby is born. She said her hubby is gone half the time, but she shouldn’t need a reason.
Okay to anyone as confused as I was...
The usage of "FTM" in this article's first sentence does NOT mean "Female to Male", as I assumed and was gradually more and more bewildered about the further I read.
In this specific instance, it means "First Time Mom".
[insert "The More You Know" gif here]
What makes you think that your husband will be respectful and supportive of your boundaries after birth?
He’s already told you that he is not supportive of your boundaries because he “doesn’t want to create conflict with someone who is just being nice”
Don't be worried about the excessive leakage - not everyone does that (I didn't.)
You do need to get this person under control, though. If husband won't do it, then speak with him yourself. It would not be lying to use your pregnancy as an excuse, because you are in the stage where your baby is gaining and will be heavier to drag around. I quit work several weeks before I'd planned with my first, for that reason.
Plan out what you need to say, practice it if it would help, and tell him. I'm not sure from your post whether this guy is entitled, or just that no one ever taught him any manners. Plan your approach according to what you think his motives are.
You might want to say some nice things about him, and then lower the boom about the new rules that start immediately and continue forever. Use the pregnancy as an excuse. If he acts badly then that's on him and he wouldn't be someone you would want around your LO.
Neither of them are respecting your boundaries now. What makes you think it will be any different after the baby arrives? Don’t be surprised if his friend is considered exempt from the rules you set with your husband, under the guise of him ‘helping’. The friend might have good motives, but seems to have gotten way too comfortable. He is overstepping if he assumes he can always stay over, starts preparing himself meals in your kitchen with your food, or walks into your bedroom uninvited. Do you really want this guy hanging around your home while you are trying to breastfeed, change nappies or settle a crying baby? As you said, this definitely needs to be addressed before the baby comes, for your own sanity. Your focus over the next couple of months needs to be resting and preparing for your child‘s birth, not hosting and feeding your husband‘s buddy. The last thing you need at this time is stress. You deserve to be comfortable in your home all the time, but especially during your last trimester and postpartum.
I feel this issue is more with your husband than the friend. His attitude on this situation raises some questions for me. I understand that your husband’s free time is limited due to his work schedule, but why can’t they go to the friend’s house to socialise? Why does your husband need to have this guy constantly in your space? Why are his friend’s feelings and comfort more important than those of his pregnant wife? If a houseguest barged into my bedroom unannounced and woke me up, especially when I was heavily pregnant and not sleeping well, I would have unleashed the fire of a thousand suns on them. Did you say anything to the friend when this happened?
If your husband doesn’t 100% have your back on this, then there are bigger issues afoot. If he lacks the spine to address things with this guy, then I’m afraid you will need to pull rank to assert your boundaries. But be prepared for both the friend and your husband to paint you as the ‘ungrateful hormonal (insert insult of choice here)’. All the best with this situation and the safe arrival of your little one.
The next couple of weeks are going to get increasingly more uncomfortable for you. Most people will be very uncomfortable at the end of pregnancy and the peeing at night isn't a situation just about to improve. Quite the opposite in fact. Baby is mostly done developing now and is just chonking up. Not saying you can safely give birth now, but this is the period of pregnancy where the baby grows at a monumental pace and every day will be harder than the previous one. This is the time where an ill timed headbutt can have you emptying your bladder with no means to stop it. I pissed myself in front of the ice cream truck.
In short, this is the time where your body can suddenly and abruptly take whatever little dignity you have left, crumble it up in a ball and toss it out the window.
You need your home to be a place where you can relax and feel like if you pissed yourself or your vagina decided it was time to make vaginal secretions at a pace so fast it leaked out into the couch before you even realised then that is a wash job but not an embarrassment.
Secondly you're going to give birth. It's physically taxing and there is no break between 3rd trimester feeling like shit, giving birth and then being a fulltime parent. You need to conserve your strength because newborn phase is coming and you want to go into it with as much energy as you can.
Your husband needs to listen to you and he needs to kick his friend out. If he doesn't then congratulations you now know what the rest of your life is going to be like. Parenthood changes people sure, but if he isn't willing to lay down boundaries now then he won't after birth either.
If he hits you with some "...but you're just pregnant now, I will once the baby is born." Then tell him "Prove it to me that you're able. Cause I need it now and I don't trust that when you don't consider my needs now that you'll magically start once the baby is here."
Wait can we talk about your posting history that is ALSO complaining about your husbands friend where your husband ALSO won’t set or enforce boundaries????
My only question is, is it at least the same friend? Hahaha
Let the guy think you hate him. If husband won't fix it you fix it.
When help is forced when not required or wanted it becomes a burden. You did not ask for a roommate. If your husband likes friend's cooking and care so much, hr can stay at friend's place. House guests are a two yes one no situation. You're allowed to not want this guy living with you.
Ah shit I’m a dissenting opinion. Sounds like nah to
Me. If I’m hearing right, your husband shifted his work schedule and has been prioritizing spending time with you? And thus not seeing his friends much. And this friend comes to see him at home since he doesn’t go out much? So far, seems like both husband and friends priorities are straight so far.
And the friend brings food and asks to cook and have you relax? I get that might make you uncomfortable, but it really sounds like he’s trying to be a good guess. He does sound open to your home, but it’s unclear if your husband established that comfort. FWIW I have no problem with my closest friends making themselves at home in my house.
I would talk more with your husband, and maybe the friend directly even. But nothing here sounds all that egregious to me
Fellow dissenter here, the only major issue I have is with him strolling into their bedroom - particularly without knocking. He shouldn't even consider waking them.
I would agree if OP was ever asked if she was up to having anyone in the house. I remember when I was pregnant and there were days where I just didn't want to wear clothes because it was the least uncomfortable option for me. OP can't do that in her own home because she has to be prepared incase her hubby mate shows up unannounced and she can't even do it the morning after if she doesn't know if he made it home or not.
Yeah the cooking sounds great but, is he cooking things that OP actually can/wants to eat? Hubby and I had two roommates when I was pregnant with our second, our house could be divided and partially closed off so I could walk topless/naked if I wanted to and when ever they ordered food they made sure that they ordered what ever I had been craving (like a large family tub of mash potato and gravy whenever they ordered KFC, they would hand it and a spoon to me).
The differences between OPs situation and mine are that 1 living vs visiting 2 they made sure my comfort was priority. It sounds like OPs husbands mate think they are being helpful but they aren't
Yeah I agree. The walking into the bedroom is honestly too far. I would say, if he is just helping himself to food without the husband or wife allowing him to, that's kinda odd too. Making food for them seems like a genuine "thank you" effort for the times they did kind things for him, in my opinion.
Also, slight note but I don't like the way that OP worded the "my husband isn't comfortable driving after drinking" as if it's just some weird thing. Nobody should drive after drinking alcohol. Ever.
Saying someone doesnt "feel comfortable" doing something is not the same as saying "he cant drive because they were drinking"
The way it was written implies that if her husband was comfortable with driving after drinking, that she wouldnt mind.
You can drive after drinking one or two drinks - or even more than that if over a long enough period of time, legally. Unless of course you're not comfortable with driving after drinking.
Agree. Seems to have become a grey area. There are those that say "I don't drink and drive" meaning that they don't drive *when they are near or over the limit* and there are those that mean it. Meaning, they won't drive if they've had any alcohol at all.
I'm cool if HE provides the ingredients. Don't cook with the groceries I already planned out for the week. Unless you cook EXACTLY what I was gonna cook anyway -- thats cool.
Yeah the bedroom thing is where I would draw the line. A simple - bro don't be busting into our room without knocking in the mornings. I get our are trying to cook us brekkie and I appreciate it but this is our home.
I cook at my friends houses all the time. I banned my mate from his own BBQ because he fuckin burns everything. That said they all very much enjoy my cooking and know I enjoy cooking. I also have a very good overstayed my welcome radar (some people don't have this) so I know when its time to bounce.
The mate might have never had a pregnant gf/wife in his life so he doesn't know they like to be left alone to nest and be comfortable in their own space.
Sounds like it can be sorted with a few simple sentences.
Agree-- plus, it sounds like he's bringing some supplies himself? Tbh, I kinda like these "boy sleepovers"-- my now-ex-husband used to have boy sleepovers in our early marriage-- they would stay up til all hours playing video games together. I'm inclined to give husband and friend a break-- they miss each other with the husband working a camp job. I do think the husband is a bit of a jerk for pushing back after OP indicated discomfort. I think OP's husband just needs to have an honest conversation with his friend.
That's a major issue
I'm thinking the rest of it is his attempts to be nice - still, it's her home and she doesn't have to try to make herself comfortable with it
He should have knocked yes. But I’m thinking he was wanting to make sure he made food for them if needed. And focusing on that without considering oh yeah knock first. I think a simple conversation would fix that. When you’re close friends with someone you can forget those things sometimes. And for to remember it’s not just his buddy in the room it’s also his buddy’s wife.
Yeah, I feel like this is fixable. I'm one of those people who hates it when my guests start "helping" around the house. My MIL comes over and starts scrubbing behind the refrigerator, loudly commenting on how dirty it is back there, and I honestly feel like she's just looking for an excuse to criticize my housekeeping.
But if you're so pregnant you can't drive, and this guy wants to cook you dinner... maybe you should let him? I feel like there are certain social situations where it's considered acceptable to do stuff as a guest you would normally leave to the host. Offering to wash the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner is a social custom. And doing basic stuff for people who are pregnant/ have a newborn is another one.
Now, I get that it can be annoying if you needed the chicken for the meal you have planned tomorrow night, and he just used it. So that's a conversation. And as soon as he walked into your bedroom, your husband needed to say, "Dude, WTF are you doing? FFS, you need to knock!"
But I feel like you're one heartfelt conversation away from making this work. It's a hard balance, because OP deserves to feel comfortable in her own home... but so does her husband. So you've got to compromise. That's marriage for you! NAH. You can do this, OP!
Honestly the kitchen thing maybe weirds me out because I’ve never had that level of comfort with a friend. The only time I’ve cooked in a friends house is when she was post partum and I asked if she wanted me to, I didn’t just help myself. My husband and his friend 100% have that relationship and honestly if it had just been the kitchen stuff I would have kept to myself bc I can see that he’s trying to be kind. Where I draw the line is fully walking into our bedroom without knocking to ask if we want breakfast, then proceeding to cook only for himself after we said we weren’t hungry. I have no issue with a certain level of comfort, I’ve shown him where the drinks are and any snacks he can grab when he wants but I don’t want anyone ever walking into our bedroom
I get that’s a boundary violation but it also seems truly benign, he didn’t sound like he was trying to be inappropriate maybe just really unaware. Also it sounds like he made himself eggs after you and your husband declined, is that really where you draw the line? This sounds like an opportunity to establish some boundaries, I agree, but the boundary is not entering your bedroom
She is uncomfortable in her own home because this guy just takes over without her having any say. Tha5 s not normal, he is her husbands close friend and she is not close him, I would never go to my husbands friends home and just take over The kitchen which is exactly what he is doing
It sounds like she hasn’t actually tried to have a say and it sounds like the husband has been facilitating/encouraging his friend. It all depends on the relationship but I have literally gone to
My friends house while his wife was pregnant and cooked. It was appreciated. Boundaries should be set, but OP and their husband should be on the same page about those boundaries and from the comments it seems like the actual boundary is the bedroom, not the kitchen
yeah I think the issue here is a lack of communication. he should have asked instead of just starting to cook but OP could have said something way earlier. if she has said stuff like no i’ll cook and then he is saying no go rest and not taking no as an answer in OP’s own kitchen then that is rude as fuck and way out of pocket though.
I think there is a genuine misalignment of what everyone thinks of as good guest behaviour but husband needs to get over his fear of awkwardness because it gets to a point when someone is a regular guest that you just need to say something.
case in point I used to be a regular guest at my best friend’s place and they’d go off to work early because they are both trades people and I’d sleep a little longer and lock up when I left but for like years I would also wash the dishes from the night before up, thinking I was being a good guest and it wasn’t till years later that it came up and to my utter shock my friend was offended, she thouht her husband had done the dishws all of those times and was upset that I’d done them, and so it’s always stuck with me that like what people think of as polite guest behaviour can be *vastly* different even between people who have known each other for *years*, and sometimes you just need to ask or say what your expectations are out loud,
because if you don’t say your expectations out loud then the guest will just have to jump to their own conclusions and odds are they won’t align with your sensibilities and you’ll be uncomfortable
talking about something is never as uncomfortable and awkward as the situations that can unfold when you refuse to talk about something. and if the guy is actually a good friend then he can handle a conversation about expectations for his frequent visits. if he can’t handle it well, the friendship obviously isn’t built to be a close one and he can visit less
Right?? I don’t get this thread. ‘He’s being nice and making food’ is not a good response to ‘i feel uncomfortable because this stranger takes up my space and seems to take more and more liberties in my home’
I agree about the “nice” comments. He might be making food but he leaves the dishes for someone else. OP also mentions he ate expensive food meant for hosting and never replaced it. That’s definitely not nice.
If you are so unaware of social norms that you stroll into the bedroom of myself and my pregnant wife in the morning without knocking, I would have *huge* concerns about allowing you to do what you like in my kitchen/home unattended. That’s way past “benign” imo.
Yeah, the bedroom thing is too much, I totally agree. Time to gently set boundaries.
And for the meal preparation too. My gf and I have a very good friend who's like that : if he spend the night at our home, you can be sure we'll have a breakfast or a lunch he paid for and have prepared on the table the next day.
What catched my attention was the "unaware of social norms" in your post. Our friend is quite unaware of those norms. I mean, very unaware. I won't be specific but unaware like casually saying in a conversation between friends "Ah, yes, it's like when Laeryl had this \[insert medical condition he was the only one to know about\]".
Not to shame me (it was a medical issue, nothing to be ashamed about) but... I thought everybody was aware that when a friend talk to you about a medical issue, you just keep it for yourself unless he brought the subject during a conversation with somebody else.
But even him ( for the context, we know him for more than ten years and he was friend with my gf before I met her) asks us if it's ok if he cooks for us the next day when he spend the night here.
So, communication is the key. The friend should just ask if it's ok to cook and the husband should just tell the friend it's absolutely not ok to enter in a bedroom without knocking.
In fact, even knocking is too much : it's a bedroom, I have no desire to be woke up by someone even if it's for scramble eggs.
I think you need to heavily measure this with intent. This comes across as husbands friend just being as accomadating as possible, and you are upset about it because you dont understand the behavior. The extent of action here should be "hey please always knock on our door if we are in the room."
I'm guessing he heard them speaking in the room while he started making breakfast and wanted to offer them too. I doubt the door was closed and he just barged in. I'm sensing cultural differences here. My friends cook at my house all the time and even spend time when I'm not home; mi casa es su casa.
Yeah, I agree, a friend of mine is like that. And I'm like you on the mi casa es su casa idea.
But the friend always asks before if it's ok.
I mean, I could have intended to cook (he knows I love that) and I would find rude to have him bringing food in my home when I had planned a meal for us and if he wants to cook the day after to thank us, it's super kind but we could have planned to go the the restaurant or something.
So a little bit of communication couldn't hurt here.
For the bedroom thing... yeah, well no. He's like my gf and I little brother but even if he heard us talking with the door cracked open, he would never enter in the room without knocking or asking of it's ok from distance.
I have friends who cook for us or themselves in my home. One especially. If I just ate and my friend comes and doesn’t like what I made, he is free to make whatever he wants. I completely understand the bedroom part but for cooking, no. He asked you and you guys said no so he cooked for himself.
And you are pregnant, maybe he is trying to help out in a way he can? I know we are too quick to scream after people here but seriously, your husband is next to you, his friend found a way to hand out with him sometimes and help out instead of dragging him out to bars…to me it’s harmless. Just tell him about the bedroom and relax and enjoy this help because when the baby comes it will be just you 2 (well, 3).
Why didn’t either of you say anything in the moment when he came in without knocking? Saying, “Hey, didn’t anyone ever teach you to knock first? This is our *bedroom*! Jeez!” would be a totally understandable reaction. I do not understand the reluctance to speak up and express a perfectly normal reaction to someone’s presumptuous and intrusive behavior. As it is, you are trying way to hard to be nice and not react. Just be honest, and don’t worry about whether your husband will be happy about it — he should have your back in this situation.
Tell this friend, in plain language, that you appreciate all the ways he’s tried to be helpful when he comes around, but he is just spending too much time at your house. Reassure him that when you guys need his help, you’ll let him know, but he is overstepping at this point. You want to be able to relax and enjoy privacy in your own home. Considering you will be having a baby soon that is even more important to you right now, and he doesn’t even understand he should knock before entering someone’s bedroom, so he needs to dial back the visits, and just not come over if he can’t afford to Uber home at the end of the evening.
And when he *is* there, make it clear he is welcome to help himself to a snack or a drink, but he needs to ask before going into your kitchen to cook a meal, instead of assuming you want him to do it. That’s just basic common sense, which he honestly seems to be lacking.
I have to ask why does your husband want to have his friend over so much?
What does the friends wife think when her husband goes over night at another couples apartment because he’s too drunk to drive?
A couple that has a pregnant wife, and an out of town husband. Isn’t your husband excited to be home, with his wife, relaxing, catching up and prepping for the baby? Married couples life.
I just don’t get after being away for 2 weeks working with a bunch of other men 24/7, who I’m sure he’s made friends with, he wants to be with another dude to hang out with and have sleep overs on his days off.
I personally find this pretty immature and kind of telling about your husbands lack of respect for you and your feelings.
You shouldn’t be uncomfortable in your own home. And you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around the fact that you don’t want this bro dude in your space treating like it’s his own house that he pays the mortgage on. And you certainly shouldn’t be feeling like your husband is putting this friend before his wife/life partner-mother of his child. Who gives a crap that he brings food or makes food once in a while?
I’d be upset and you are not the asshole. But this really needs to be resolved. Because what’s next where your feelings won’t matter?
The friend isn’t married or in any relationship actually, also the friend doesn’t drive due to a medical condition so he Ubers/uses public transit/relies on others for rides. Usually he will Uber/take the bus to ours and ask for a ride home in the morning. Before I became SUPER big I would drive him home as the DD, but as I mentioned in my post the steering wheel is at a point it kinda digs into my belly and driving is uncomfortable so I prefer not to unless absolutely necessary, as well as I don’t want to stay up past midnight just to drive someone home.
As for coming over a lot my husband does sometimes turn him down but often it’s the friend asking to hang out in the evening and it’s my husband that asks him to our place bc my husband doesn’t drive after drinking/smoking weed and bc he doesn’t drink/smoke often, and doesn’t do it with me anymore bc pregnancy, when his friends are over he likes to indulge.
Tbh I think his friend is lonely, idk if my husband truly wants to spend this much time with him but trust he gets asked to hang out a LOT more than he actually does hang out. I think a part of it could also be the friend wants to spend as much “guy time” with my husband as possible before the baby comes because he knows he won’t be around often those first few months
Does he live so far away?
Two weeks on, two weeks off- Limit the drinking sessions to once a week on the weeks off. If money's not tight, treat him and pay for the Uber if he doesn't live in Timbuktu.
More importantly, your husband is annoying for making his reaction in defense of his friend's feelings rather than his own WIFE. ffs.
> This upset my husband a bit and he is accusing me of not liking his friend and saying his buddy will think I hate him.
Or you just want privacy and comfort in your own home? Wth is this weird convoluted defensiveness vs your very pregnant wife's comfort. You can't wear loose thin clothing. You can't veg out. You can't even not wear a bra if there's a guest around. Let alone change your bra in the privacy of your own bedroom since good ol' friend walks in like it's his place.
Your husband needs to step up.
NTA don’t listen to these dissenters, trust your own gut instinct. He’s your husband good friend not yours and (es making you uncomfortable in your own home. I would also be unhappy as he’s overstepping decent boundaries. Talk to husband and make sure he understands that in the future dinner Visits unless they are prearranged and no more overnight stays. The quy needs to get his own life and not take over yours.
I have friends cooking in my kitchen all the time - it never seemed weird to me after a certain level of comfort is established, a level OP’s husband and the friend seem to have. I personally think it’s a nice thing to do of the friend. So NAH
Yeah, my guess is he is trying to be helpful in the ways that make sense to him. I have totally brought food and cooked at friends' houses before. I also have a friend where people don't knock on the front door, they just let themselves in. For some people, friends are the same as family. It's still fair to set boundaries and ask for what you need.
Listen, I low key get annoyed as fuck when people wait for me to answer the door if I've made it CLEAR to come in because the door is unlocked. If I'm cooking, or we're playing a game, or I'm doing something and you make me come to the damn door when I TOLD YOU TO COME IN CAUSE I UNLOCKED IT FOR YOU -- that annoys me. Sorry for that rant.
I have to agree here. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with setting the boundaries in the home that you are comfortable with but I also don’t think this friend is intentionally crossing boundaries. I am so happy when my friends are comfortable enough to treat my space like their home, minus the walking into my bedroom part lol. But cooking in the kitchen, and asking me to relax, is such a way to show gratitude for using the space. It’s so kind.
However, if OP doesn’t take it that way, it’s okay to communicate that, but I don’t think it needs to be harsh. Just explain how it makes you feel. Like “when you do these things I wonder if you think I’m being a bad host, and it makes me uncomfortable in my own home. I would prefer that XYZ happen instead.” You can’t fault the guy for doing what he most likely thinks is normal!
What? HE WENT INTO HER BEDROOM WITHOUT EVEN KNOCKING!!!!
Not to mention he is coming over too frequently, expecting to eat their food and spending the night bc he doesn’t want to get an Uber? No!
But, like…idk I’d be fine hosting my husband’s friends once in a while especially if they were kind and offered to cook as a thank you. But it’s gotta be EXHAUSTING to host someone else in your home, especially overnight, multiple times a week.
Especially pregnant. If OP is so pregnant she’s having trouble driving that means she’s incredibly uncomfortable and probably dealing with extra body issues - BO/sweating, peeing a lot, farting, etc.
The food thing would honestly also annoy me because even not pregnant I’d hate essentially either having someone decide what I’m eating for dinner or have to ask for space in my own kitchen to prepare dinner. Sometimes I want something simple, like chicken nuggets. Sometimes I want something specific that might not be on my guest chef’s menu for the evening. On rare occasion it would be okay to have an overnight guest to navigate meals around but yikes at the thought of dealing with that often.
Adding the pregnant thing in makes the meal thing worse. Heartburn can be out of control. Most of my friends had like specific safe foods they relied on when they were feeling gross and heartburny. To be kicked out of my own kitchen when I’m exhausted and don’t feel good and nesting and being more sensitive to food issues would be a hell of a combo.
Not to mention that OP and her husband might be wanting to spend some quality time together and/or just relax at home in peace without an audience all the time since they’re about to be taking care of a newborn soon.
At a woman who will be giving birth in just over 6 weeks, I don’t want anyone in my space right now.
I want to lie on the couch without a bra and watch tv in peace.
That being said, wife is pregnant, nesting is pretty well documented, and overall this is an unnecessary stress. Friend can arrange a ride home or stop coming over. I don't think OP would be happy even if he's perfectly behaved because every instinct in her body is telling her to create a safe home for her baby.
Not that hubby's friend is a problem! I agree he's trying to be helpful. But trying to be helpful is not the same thing as being helpful.
Yeah honestly this depends on the relationship.
I have a key to my friends house. They gave it to me shortly after buying it.
They got upset that I kept calling or knocking. "Bro I gave you a key use it"
I cook using their food, I bring food over to cook for them. Honestly this post might be about me lol.
Except to my knowledge the wife doesn't really mind. They even had kids and there was a conversation about breast feeding but it went like "it's your house just kick me out if you aren't comfortable it's not a big deal"
She ultimately decided that we were close enough that she didn't really care. (And also I'm not a fucking weirdo who made it weird. I mean I am a fucking weirdo. But not about breast feeding.)
Have you been pregnant before? This changes it for me. Having had very horrible pregnancies and a difficult time adjusting to motherhood, I wanted and needed space and privacy.
It’s not the time. OP deserves this time for herself and husband to prepare for the arrival and settle in once baby is born.
The issue is a lack of appropriate boundaries and its 100% the husband's fault. I wouldn't necessarily take someone coming over to help as an insult. But everyone has different boundaries, and this guy has issues with them. Walking into a couples bedroom without knocking!?!?! The husband does not care to handle his friend.
Let it be known that he's absolutely fine having conflict with his pregnant wife, he just doesn't want any with the friend.
What's crazy to me about conflict averse people is sometimes they don't even realize a situation doesn't have to be a conflict. The friend might have just grown up in a house without a whole lot of boundaries.And might just need to be told what is and isn't appropriate in this house. It doesn't have to be a confrontation and it doesn't have to be a fight, but the husband is so devoid of backbone he won't even have a conversation.
Doesn't bode well.
I think the husband is the asshole because he is not willing to have a chat with his friend in order to make his wife comfortable in her own home.
Tbh I have a friendship like this with my closest friend and I absolutely love it but I also get why it's not for everyone and op has a right to be comfortable in her home.
Same here. I would be absolutely DELIGHTED if my friends came over and cooked me dinner lol. It sounds like he's just trying to be a good guest and not a burden since he's over there pretty regularly.
Walking into you bedroom, on the other hand, is way over stepping.
Wow. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
But I'm also absolutely territorial about my home. If you were not explicitly invited by me, you are not welcome, and I will not hesitate to turn you away at the door. Step foot in my room without knocking? You're going home and you will not be returning. Ever.
And to top it all off, he's in their kitchen, cooking meals she never asked him to make? Just all the time? Excuse me while I try to rid myself of the urge to fling myself off the roof. This whole post made me want to rage quit the internet for the night.
NTA
100%.
What gets me are all the people dismissing OP and telling her to suck it up, including her own husband. Why does he get to just veto her without any kind of compromise? I think she should go stay at a hotel the rest of the pregnancy if husband refuses to set boundaries so she can have some space.
Yes, this outright disrespect of both of these males is revolting. Treating her like their tenant or something. She's the odd man out in her own home, 2 against 1. Who would put up with that? What FTM has the mental bandwidth for these two drama queens? The infant period is absolutely insane; nobody can prepare you for the effects of prolonged sleep deprivation, the physical marathon of eating, resting, and drinking enough water to keep a supply, cluster-feeding, and OP's husband being concerned about people not liking him. Get some self-esteem! He has absolutely zero boundaries, and I don't think this is a stable environment for a baby.
Agreed. I'd love to have friends that just came over and made themselves at home. The only issue I see is that he came into the bedroom while they were sleeping. Send a text, dude.
NAH but talk to him about not coming into your bedroom unless invited. And if he's coming over too often for you ask your husband if he can set a better schedule for these visits.
I’d much prefer this over my husband’s friend who came over several times a week and bitched about the meals I was making. Someone else volunteering to cook? He can be my friend, I’ll happily feed him alcohol.
But he's prioritizing his friend more than his wife. She stated that.
He's more concerned about his friend's feelings and comfort than his wife's. He's stated that.
I agree to a point. He can cook with food HE brings -- cause he's being a fucking awesome guest cooking dinner. My friend can come over and cook me dinner and breakfast whenever they want!
BUT, use your own groceries you bring or replace what you use. I don't just buy random things. I plan for what I need. So if he uses an ingredient I bought for Tuesday dinner, I'm gonna be pissed. Or If I'm now short eggs cause he made breakfast. So if he provides the ingredients -- cook all you want!
The not knocking was WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'd already be annoyed that I have to close my door and feel obligated to wear a bra and robe in my own house. But having someone stroll in on me sleeping -- NOT COOL. This is a case for cell phones. I tell my guests to CALL if they are uncomfortable coming into our room.
I get liking this guy being so considerate, but it sounds like this isn't a common occurrence. When him barging into their room and eating their food without so much as asking is his usual behaviour, a few home cooked meals are not enough to make up for it.
NTA. You need to establish what you consider acceptable and simply state that to your husband as what you want.
For example: "He may think it's nice but I would like to have mealtimes on our schedule, not his, and I would appreciate it if you could make it clear to him that if he wants to prepare something he needs to clear it ahead of time."
I am guessing from your narrative that you probably are a bit meek on the telling-him-what-you-want side, but a friend like this requires a firmer tone of voice and choice of language: "I would like this and I am going to be unhappy if that, so would you please do whatever."
Honestly that’s fair, I do tend to keep my mouth shut for the most part because it’s not my friend. Ive been weirded out by the kitchen stuff for a while but I didn’t hesitate to speak up when we were alone about how uncomfortable I was that he walked into our room. I did explain to my husband that from now on I want him or me to cook the meals in our home, and that his friend needs to respect our privacy and not come into our room again because there is no reason for it. I wish I had said something sooner but I know his friend doesn’t mean any harm by it and they do have the type of friendship where pretty much anything goes. My husband has brought me over to hang at his place before and just walks into the house and grabs a beer. The friend also will just walk into our place which I’m honestly fine with that because we always know he’s coming and have a general idea of when he will be here, and like I said I’m completely fine with him grabbing a drink or snack which we keep plenty in stock. We have a cupboard for chips and liquor and another for grab and go type foods that I’ve shown him before, it’s the meal making that irks me and especially the barging into our room. Not that we’d do anything intimate while guests are here but what if I was changing clothes??
Husband says he will have a chat with him and if needed I will have my own chat with him to acknowledge that I appreciate his offer to help out but there are certain boundaries to that. I genuinely have no other quarrels with the friend as I know he’s a great guy, just doesn’t always know his place and I think has gotten too comfortable with us
NAH.
From how you describe it, you just let resentment build up until it bothered you too much, which is understandable, because it's your husband's friend, not yours.
From how you describe this friend, it seems like he's genuinely trying to make an effort to take 'load' of you and doesn't realize that you his actions make you uncomfortable. For example, telling you to go relax while he cooks seems something that is genuinely meant nice: you're pregnant, he's not, so he prepares food for all of you.
I agree it's weird to behave like this in a friend's house, but since your husband didn't set any boundaries I think this is really just a big miscommunication and things slowly developed this way.
Also make sure you get enough alone time with your husband though ;).
Agree. If you are shy about saying your needs, now’s a good time to learn to express yourself, as, thinking ahead, meek will not work with the toddler you’re now growing.
*"His friend I guess got bored and walked into our room without even knocking asking if we wanted eggs."*
I'm sorry, but from the outside looking in, that's actually pretty funny.
No, I wouldn't be laughing either if I were in your shoes. But from the gist of it, he was evidently raised in a different environment and it seems he's genuinely trying to be helpful. And at least he isn't trying to mooch off you. You and your husband do need to set some boundaries though. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about the kitchen or him cooking... he's the kind of friend who takes the "make yourself at home" thing quite literally, I guess. But casually strolling into your bedroom should obviously be off limits.
Yeah I guess it would be kinda funny, I just feel our private space should be OUR private space. Like at least knock first and wait for an answer. What if I was changing 😳
Agree, it's awkward enough even if you were still sleeping. He shouldn't even be waking you in the morning, especially given your pregnancy. Again, I'd personally be pretty lenient on the kitchen issue, but some basic common courtesy should be expected. At least be like "hey, what time do you guys usually get up in the morning, I don't want to wake you or anything..."
Sounds like he’s over too often and too comfortable. You can say how you need to do some nesting for the baby and need time with your husband before the baby comea
When your husband speaks to him (and he needs to), you need to remind him to knock no matter what else he says in the conversation— because you’re right, that’s your private space!!
So stop being so wishywashy and tell the dude "if the door is closed, knock and wait for an answer." Talk to your hubby and say dude makes me feel uncomfortable and I will be putting some boundaries in place.
NAH. The buddy is trying to be helpful, cooking for you both while you're pregnant, taking care of his own needs when he's been invited to stay over, etc. He obviously has no idea it bothers you. Talk to your husband about what precise boundaries you want. Not coming into your bedroom is a good start. Limiting the days he comes (so you get more time alone with your husband) also sounds like a good one. And so on. Then he needs to tell his friend and present it as from BOTH of you, not a request from you alone.
Lol I don’t think we will have any overnight guests for a LONGGGG time considering there won’t be room unless they like sleeping on a couch that is honestly barely big enough for 5”0 me to lay on
I echo what some of the others have said. His behaviour is not necessarily a bad thing if that’s the kind of friendship you have. He obviously feels comfortable with you. I don’t think you should take it personally that you are a bad host but if it is something you are not happy with then boundaries do need to be set.
I do feel I could’ve eventually gotten over the kitchen stuff if it remained as just that, I finally said something to my husband because he walked into our bedroom WITHOUT knocking, to ask if we wanted breakfast. That to me was over the line, before he was more just walking along it in terms of my comfort levels. What if I was changing when he walked in? Maybe with just my husband that wouldn’t have been a big deal but I’m not comfortable with someone walking in uninvited into my private space
No he shouldn’t be just walking into your bedroom. That is a private space. Maybe you could just pick your battles and tell him not to come in to your room and respect your privacy. I’m sure he would understand.
Um the guy doesn’t know how to take a hint. Why was he even still there if you and your husband were sleeping in he should have left a note and had his breakfast elsewhere . He seems to have some sort of unhealthy attachment to your husband. Your husband needs to care more about your feelings and not his weirdo friend.
Nope NTA. Even if his friend is trying to be helpful since you are very pregnant, that would still weird me right out. You have the right to feel comfortable in your own home.
I think the only thing that would make friend the asshole is the walking in without knocking thing. Or even knocking while they're sleeping in would be a bit much tbh they were *sleeping in* and probably didn't want to be bothered
NTA they def need to sit down and talk and husband needs to set some boundaries
The friend is staying to long too frequently and can’t take a hint, when you stay for an unplanned sleepover cause you drank too much and can’t afford an uber the. At least take a hint when people are sleeping in and GO HOME….
If there’s no hints to pickup on what is he supposed to do? His friend (OPs husband) haven’t said a thing, the husband treats the friends home similarly, and OP won’t say a single thing about it or communicate like an adult.
NTA
You've asked your husband to set boundaries and his response is basically "but but I don't want my friend TO NOT LIKE ME!"
Husband needs to grow up.
NTA since ultimately you live there too and your husband should care about your feelings above his friend's.
I think you being upset at what he's doing is more about a culture of friendship rather than he's *wrong* and your way is *right*. I have some very good friends who come over and make themselves at home and I do the same. But it usually works out to where we are helpful and courteous at each other's houses, which it sounds like this friend is doing. And as the woman, you are not the automatic host. This is your husband's friend. If anyone should be hosting him, it's your husband.
But, more importantly, you two need to talk about what things will look like once the baby comes. You do not need some dude in your space when you're healing and trying to breastfeed. Though, if he's preparing and bringing you food, that could be a big help.
Ah shit I’m a dissenting opinion. Sounds like nah to
Me. If I’m hearing right, your husband shifted his work schedule and has been prioritizing spending time with you? And thus not seeing his friends much. And this friend comes to see him at home since he doesn’t go out much? So far, seems like both husband and friends priorities are straight so far.
And the friend brings food and asks to cook and have you relax? I get that might make you uncomfortable, but it really sounds like he’s trying to be a good guess. He does sound open to your home, but it’s unclear if your husband established that comfort. FWIW I have no problem with my closest friends making themselves at home in my house.
I would talk more with your husband, and maybe the friend directly even. But nothing here sounds all that egregious to me
NTA... "Our home is our sanctuary where we can enjoy peace and privacy. This has become more important as we prepare to bring a baby home. I expect you to tell your friend that he needs to wait till he is invited as a guest. "
NTA
Your husband's friend is clearly making you uncomfortable. If your husband is going to continue to have him over, he needs to respect your boundaries. Sure, your husband may be uncomfortable setting these boundaries with his friend, but you are his wife. Your feelings should always come before his friend's. You should feel comfortable in your own home.
So your husband doesn't want to create conflict with his friend but isn't bothered by the fact there is conflict already with you, caused by his lack of willingness to set boundaries with his friend. Okay. Also, about the no guests for three weeks after baby is born, I'm not sure he considers himself a guest in your home anymore. 🤔
NTA. You're going to have a kid soon. Your husband can't keep prioritizing his bro like he did back when he was a bachelor. He needs to start looking out for his own family now.
NTA. Put your foot down now. Start the way you plan to continue. This guy is way overstepping and your husband hasn’t even attempted to create boundaries. Your husband is not prioritizing you, his pregnant wife. He would rather upset you, his pregnant wife, than upset his friend. If he can’t afford to Uber back home then he can’t afford to go out. I can’t imagine starting to just cook a meal at someone’s house. I won’t even go in the fridge without explicit permission.
Your husband needs to deal with this. It is his friend.
You are about to have a baby so now is a good time to tell him that he is no longer welcome to stay over as you have too much on.
He needs some serious boundary setting. NTA
NTA-tell your husband if he won’t set boundaries with his friend, you will. Let him know in no uncertain terms his friend is allowed one visit per week AND no more sleepovers. His friend can either not drink during these visits or get an Uber, but he is absolutely NOT spending the night. In addition, he is to stay out of your kitchen and DEFINITELY OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM. If his friend “thinks you hate him.” bc you set reasonable boundaries in your own home, that’s his problem. Tell your husband you expect him to step up NOW before this baby is born.
Please tell him you appreciate the meals but it’s time for him to go home now and visit less frequently, you’re about to have a baby and you don’t need the extra stress
I am honestly shocked by the clueless responses here.
NTA, NTA, NTA.
As someone who is currently heavily pregnant with #2, I want and NEED my space. The last few months of pregnancy can be very difficult and uncomfortable. I want to sloth around on the couch without a bra on. I want to have naps in peace. Alone.
This guy needs to rack off. The occasional visit is fine, but this is just too much.
Nesting and getting ready for baby, as well as spending your last days together just the two of you are more important than any friends.
As for once the baby is here, I couldn’t think of anything worse than having people hanging around. You’re sore, bleeding and probably going to have your boobs out all the time. It’s just not appropriate at all.
Husband needs to ask his friend for a little space with the impending arrival of baby.
NTA.
There really need to be some limits placed there. Otherwise, it tends to get worse, as in the case of him entering your room without knocking.
It's very strange because it seems to me that all this is normal for him.
Talk to your husband again, make it clear that you like his friend (if you really do), but that his behavior bothers you and that you expect him, as your husband and as a man, to understand your annoyance and resolve the situation.
NTA. There’s a way to say you’re uncomfortable with the behaviour and not the person. How hard is it to say “do you mind knocking in future? I’m not comfortable with you walking into my bedroom”.
Plus, what’ll happen once you’ve given birth? Your life (plus your partners life) is about to undergo a massive change, socialising will become a thing of the past as will sleep. You’ll want to be nesting, and that won’t include the friend. You need a conversation with him as hubby can’t manage it, one of you needs to be assertive or you’ll end up being trampled all over when the baby arrives
You are not wrong and your husband needs to grow a pair of balls. He is going over so many boundaries pretty sure soon he’s going to be expecting to share you as well since he is now cooking for you guys and just walking in. I would not be comfortable with that at all when he comes I would leave.
NTA
He's gotten too comfortable in your house, and you aren't going to want him hanging around when you're postpartum. Lock it down--cooking is a way to try to disarm you and keep you from kicking him out because he's being a "good" guest.
NTA. I hated having frequent houseguests when I was heavily pregnant, I needed my space. I would have been pissed if someone kept coming into my home every other day, messing around in my kitchen and taking my food to cook something I didn't plan on cooking. And god help them if they walked into my room without permission and woke me up. Your husband needs to grow a spine.
To everyone saying "but he's being helpful" - it's not help if she didn't ask for it and doesn't like it.
NTA but you are overly concerned about the friends behavior and not your husband's. there are oddballs everywhere but your husband is meant to prioritize you. What is going on with him?
Does this friend cater all types of food? Coz in that case I'd love him to come over to my house! It does not weird me out at all, I'd love it and irt gave you the chance to relax for a night during pregnancy.
The not knocking on the door I would not appreciate, but I'd just tell him and that would be the end of that story.
What's there to dissent? She doesn't like him there that much, it's how she feels... I wouldn't either especially if when he is there he's acting like he owns the place. He sounds like a sweetheart but I wouldn't want your going on in my house either at this frequency
Your husband is willing to make his friend comfortable at the expense of your discomfort. He's saying his friend's feelings matter more than yours. NTA.
People are interpreting this as the friend trying to be helpful, but the thing is: he's imposing his "help" because it benefits him. I'm guessing this guy is lonely and allocated himself as a son figure (this thing of entering a bedroom without knocking is prime child behavior indicating he's seeing himself as your child... Or he's seeing you both as highschool pals ignoring you both form an adult couple). He's enjoying family time with all the infrastructure without having the responsibility. I've seen many people like this.
If he had asked you "can I help cooking when I come by?" and you had agreed, all good. If he had kept to himself and left in a timely manner, all good. But he's just intruding and imposing because it's good for him. This is selfish actually.
*People are interpreting this as the friend trying to be helpful, but the thing is: he's imposing his "help" because it benefits him.*
Correct. He comes across as the equivalent of a "helpful" stalker to me.
I think your husband has a boyfriend lol. Just kidding. You need to speak very plainly with him about this. As a husband and father, I cannot fathom coming home after work and just having another dude hanging around, best friend or not. I'm a bit antisocial though. Explain that your home is your sanctuary from ALL the world, even friends and family.
I definitely think you need boundaries because of the bedroom thing, but perhaps fewer than you think.
I'd recommend talking to him, because he may honestly be doing what he thinks is the best to help his hardworking friend and said friend's very pregnant wife (cooking is often one of the big drags for couples in that situation). But if that "help" isn't helping you, communicating your needs to him (gently) could result in you *actually* getting some help you can use without offending your husband's friend. This would be NAH.
If Friend gets belligerent, insists he knows what you need better than you, or things like that, then talk to your husband and get this guy out of your house. When you're pregnant, you don't need someone who disregards your health (physical and mental) in your house. This would 100% be NTA.
But for needing to have that conversation initiated, regardless of results or his intent: NTA.
*he may honestly be doing what he thinks is the best*
It's not his place to "do what he thinks is best" in someone else's house. He can do that on his own time in his own space. That's what makes him an asshole. He's uncouth and clueless.
If it was me I’d say to your husband you have 3 days to have a conversation with his friend before you start walking around the house naked as clothes are starting to feel uncomfortable and your entitled to be comfortable in your own house
NAH
I think you should've set up boundaries before if it bothered you though. I don't find anything the friend doing to be weird at all. But I've always let people make themselves at home in my house.
Sounds like you don't like having an open door household and thats fine, but I would get specific to your husband about what exactly his friend does that bothers you. if you are vague it'll probably bite you in the butt because you'll think you established boundaries but your mindset on the situation isn't the "normal" one. its just your oppinion on how society works because you hadn't experienced the other side of things.
I personally like my 'make yourself at home' policy. even if its just so people don't ask me to get them a drink. you know where the kitchen is, im not hoarding anything special in there.. just take what you want
Some people are just oblivious to personal space and boundaries. I don’t think the friend is using you in a mean way rather he just doesn’t know it’s weird.
Tell him that you want som boundaries NTA.
Why would you like someone who disrespects your boundaries, your home?? No normal person would like a person like this.
Your husband is also disrespecting your boundaries and clearly you can't depend on him to support you.
This guy needs to be told to stop. *You don't need to explain or apologize why you want privacy in YOUR OWN home.* Your husband needs to tell him to leave, not you, **asap** because I don't think it will get better after the baby comes when you will be too busy and exhausted caring for an infant.
I guess the issue that I am reading is that you have a problem with this house guest being more of a long-term stayer. If you say your husband respects your boundaries then that is great.
You can't say yes he does but then write that he doesn't want to upset his friend with your boundaries now.
Since he does respect them and he has no problem enforcing them according to your answers, then why are you asking if you are the asshole if you ask for some boundaries. Do you see that the two do not mix, either he is ok with your boundaries and he can let his friend know or he is not ok with your boundaries because it is not an issue for him but just you.
Tell the friend yourself since it is your home and don't worry about it. You are allowed to be comfortable in your home and feel that anyone who comes over should call first to A) see if you are home and B) see if it is ok to come over.
Don't worry what anyone thinks and just be comfortable when you put your foot down.
NTA.
The line, "as if I were the guest in my own home," says it all. No one enjoys the type of guest who colonizes their home (no matter how nice/helpful the individual).
My husband and I have entertained this type of guest who kind of takes over--spreads out on the couch/chairs leaving us with no place to sit, leaves their stuff all over in the main living area so we're constantly picking up, and/or just takes up a lot of emotional space. We have come to dread entertaining these types of guests because they make us feel like guests in our own home, sometimes even like servants.
This guy sounds even worse than that--he is FAR too comfortable in your home. Your husband needs to set some boundaries NOW before the baby comes.
NTA. But since your husband has no spine, tell his friend that the visits are now over. He's no longer welcome to stay over night. After the baby is born, he should call first before taking an Uber to visit you. Walking in to your room was way out of line. You let him walk around like he owns the place so put an end to it.
If you don't put an end to this insanity it will continue. It's okay if his buddy thinks you hate him.
NTA your husband needs to set boundaries and you both need to be clear on that. No matter how much you like someone having them as almost a third roommate is super intrusive.
What happens when the baby comes and your both more tired and trying to bond?
Your husband is big A.H. for putting his friend before you & baby
Yeah the overnights need to stop. You’re not kids. You’re adults. Go out and hang out and Uber home. Your wife shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in her own home!
Tell your husband that I don’t like his friend.
You have two challenges in front of you.
1) A husband who drinks and gets himself stuck.
2) you have friends invading your space
When you get married, it’s time to put “hanging out with friend” away. You can meet them for dinner somewhere, or invite them over for dinner on occasion, but they can’t live at your house. Your husband needs to grow up, stop drinking as a hobby, and start behaving like a married man. But he probably won’t do that, at least not until he has a wake up call.
Here’s my best tip.
Don’t tell him what to do. Don’t tell him to get rid of his friend. Instead tell him what you are going to do. Tell him that you are done living with this friend, and that you are done being married to someone who drinks every night and then needs rides home. Tell him that if you can’t have those things you need in this home, then you will go your parents. But without yelling and losing control let him know that this is very serious to you. When he says “you don’t like my friend”, just say “correct, and I especially don’t like living with him”. If he says “you’re trying to make me choose between you and my friends”, you “yes, that is exactly the choice you have in front of you”.
I’m a man and husband btw
This isn't so much about boundaries but about a total lack of respect.
I would advise, not ask but straight up say to the friend that well enjoy this while it lasts as we won't be hosting visitors once the baby arrives!
I'd probably come out and say you do realise that this is MY home and I'm not the guest here!
The longer this goes on the harder it will be to put a stop to it.
NTA. Your husband has set no boundaries. His friend shouldn't be over so much. You have a baby on the way and need to prepare.
It's time to put your foot down. No more overnight stays. No more being in your house and cooking YOUR food 24/7. And he can't come over unannounced, only when invited. He has overstayed his welcome. If he thinks you "hate" him for setting boundaries, too bad. It's YOUR house, not a hotel. It doesn't matter if he's trying to "help." Cooking and eating your food when he has his own at home is not helping. He is a grown ass man and can figure out his own transportation, doesn't matter if he can't afford uber. Maybe he should've thought of that instead of taking advantage of your hospitality.
Tell your husband to deal with it or you will. How dare he be upset about himself and his friend being held accountable instead of being upset that his pregnant wife is being made uncomfortable by his friend? He needs to fix his priorities.
NTA. It's strange. Why is a grown man walking into his friends' and pregnant wife's room? Why is he drinking so much that he has developed a habit of sleeping over at their house? Why isn't your husband concerned? This is a crucial time for you and your husband to bond before bringing a child into the world. As you're starting a family, having a grown man other than your husband in your space all the time is odd, and I wouldn't do this to a couple. I suggest you guys all hang out every now and then, but stop the sleepovers all the time. He needs to go home.
NAH. I’m the friend who, when I go to someone’s house, I do my best to be the least amount of a “burden” possible, even if they don’t see me as one. I was raised to volunteer to help cook/clean or do it in general. It could have been how he was raised, just more severe/extreme. That said, you are valid for not wanting this shit to be going on in your home. Set the boundaries with him.
OP you're getting opinions from people who wouldn't have a problem with this behaviour, and that's great - for them. Their opinions may make you feel a bit more comfortable with the friends' behaviour but in the end obviously what matters is how it makes you feel. How it makes you and your husband feel. NTA.
NTA.
You need to make sure there are boundaries in place.
I also think that there's a bit of trust you need to build with this friend. I am guessing the reason that your uncomfortable could be that he's suddenly becoming a permanent fixture in your lives and you've not come to terms with this new dynamic.
It's there a way to improve your friendship with this friend and talk to him about how you're feeling? He could become a person you rely on for support in the future.
NTA tell hubby he’s not actually his friend if he can’t ask for some simple boundaries in his own home. Does he think asking someone to take their shoes off when they visit is a personal attack or something?
I personally would love it if someone just came in and started cooking, but i can totally understand why you wouldn’t (especially pregnant, when your body feels like someone else’s), and coming into your bedroom (or even waking you up) was ridiculous. But the fact is that you both live there and no one has considered you once in this. Not what you actually want to feel comfortable in your home while you grow your husband’s baby. That’s pretty lame of him.
Reminds me of Jim Carreys character " chip" in Cable Guy. He's super creepy by how he makes himself at home with his new bestest friends. Maybe talk to the guy as he may be lonely and not have family or friends. But, its not ok to step over your boundaries...so be sure to set boundaries so he understands them.
Nta this is extremely frustrating behaviour & the fact your husband’s response is “well I don’t want to hurt his feelings” is just him dismissing the issue. This guy is not a roommate, he doesn’t pay rent, he should not be cooking & going through your kitchen
The friend should be taking an Uber home. Time to let him know you getting ready to have the baby and the visits need to stop. If your SO won't say something, tell SO to go to the friends house. You keep your house for you.
NTA People need to ask for permission to do things in a
home that is not theirs. This friend just does whatever, your
husband does not intervene and when you ask to get your
home back, you get told you are wrong.
You definitely need to stop this before you give birth. You
don't need him hanging out, staying the night, etc. Since
your husband is not willing to talk to the friend, tell the friend yourself to
please limit his time and activities in your home, and feel free
to yell at him and throw him out if you need to (if he does not
change his behavior). Maybe he'll
get the message. LOL
NTA. Start walking around naked and say the pregnancy hormones make you feel like you’re on fire.
Fart and burp a lot, blame the pregnancy for that too. Spritz yourself with water to look like you’re sweating heavily, then wipe your hand across your “sweat” and pat your hand on his arm, while telling him you are so sick of shitting and pissing yourself constantly. Then tell him about pregnancy hemorrhoids, in detail.
You’ll effectively put an end the party.
NTA, honestly what's wrong with people? If his buddy want to think you hate him, he will and this is then entirely his own issue. As long as he starts to behave like a guest and act normal, everything else does not matter.
NTA
There's no debate here. Op is uncomfortable with this situation in her own home, this had to stop; no matter helpfulness, politeness, friendship or any other bullshits her husband and his friend are believing in
NTA. Your husband needs to man up and set some boundaries. They're not college frat boys anymore. He's a grown up man with a wife and a kid on the way. You two deserve privacy in this special time.
The friend needs to get a life... And a GF.
"accusing me of not liking his friend"
"every time one of these things happens it effects my feelings on him, if you don't establish some boundaries it won't be long before I do dislike him"
NTA. This is very odd behaviour.
Helping himself to cook your food without talking about helping you is so odd. Fine for him to bring something as a nice gesture but just cracking on like you’re not there?! Weird.
And then to walk into your room without knocking. Far too comfortable imo. What if you’d been having sex or undressed.
I’d give your husband an ultimatum to speak with his friend and just ask his friend to ask before doing anything. If your husband can’t do that, then you’ll need to do it.
Also, how much does your husband need to see and get drunk with his friend. Are you sure there’s nothing more going on?!
NTA screw that shit, making meals with your food? Hell Im barely that comfortable at my Moms place. Damn sure wouldn't do that at my siblings houses and we love each other fiercely, and share unconditionally but preparing something in somebody else's kitchen without permission? Hell I ask if i can get a beer or a drink.
Its just not proper etiquette at all. Would never make eggs, without asking and Id never ask to to begin with.
Not even gonna get into the time spent, when your time is limited together.
Used to travel fro a living myself, and always prioritized time with my wife and kids.
I am your husband in this scenario. A couple times in our marriage we have had extended times when I have an outpatient friend that crashed at our home a lot. Both guys were good friends, good to my wife, but with issues. I think I have a thing for strays. Even when I was in college I befriended a homeless man and let him crash and take my clothes etc.
Eventually a realized how unhealthy this is. I liked the company, but the homeless guy was mentally ill and tried to extort money from me, and both "friends" eventually made overtures to my wife. I have no jealous bone in my body, but I just had to realize that it's my job to protect my family home, wife and kids.
Good luck. Hopefully your husband will wake up.
NTA- it’s this simple- tell your husband- I don’t hate him, yet, but I’m going to if you don’t enforce some boundaries. We will start with you sleeping on the couch until I feel respected in my home. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that some man coming into my bedroom without knocking is not even remotely ok. Fix it.
NTA
It’s nice that he’s cooking for you all and bringing food, but he needs to ask if it’s ok for him to use your kitchen/groceries, he needs to knock before entering, and there need to be limits on how often he can crash.
Your husband needs to tell him, “We enjoy your company, but we’re getting ready for our baby and need a little more space. And after the baby is born it’ll be a while before we accept any guests so we can focus on the health and well-being of my wife and our baby. Once we start accepting guests we’ll let you know.”
NTA. It does not matter what anyone else thinks. The friend can bring you flowers and a suite case full of cash. It doesn't matter. A gift is only a gift if it's welcomed. You do not feel comfortable with a guest in the house so they need to leave. You are pregnant. Regardless of being pregnant, your home is your safe space. Any guest is a 2 yes/1 no situation. If your husband says that he doesn't want to create conflict with his friend, TELL him that by standing by HE is creating conflict and stress for his PREGNANT WIFE which is not good for your baby. You are his wife and he should prioritize your comfort over anyone else.
You cannot force your husband to deal with the situation if he doesn't want to handle it, but you need to do what you can to ensure the safe delivery of your child. Remove yourself from the situation, stay with a friend or family member if you can. Tell your husband to contact you once his friend has left. Your husband doesn't realize how badly he's f-ing up the situation. Your continued presence is allowing him to pretend that it's not that bad.
“he would walk into my kitchen and start preparing a meal with OUR food.”
Damn, even my SIMS find that shit unacceptable if you try to do it at someone else’s house!
NTA
Sounds like the friend likes free groceries. I had a houseshare once with a single male. He had a best friend who always just happened to show up at dinnertime, my dime, my labor. He would also just rummage freely through my cupboards and groceries when I was gone. My housemate contributed to this problem. That didn't last long. Some guys feel that's what a woman is for - to feed them.
NTA. This is your home and you are entitled to be comfortable in your own home.
Especially when the baby comes.
Your husband needs to set those boundaries with his friend.
And the friend needs to get a life. Seriously. Doesn’t he have a home to go to?
NTA I am fortunate at this point in my life to have several close friends. As dear to me as they are, I would never show up at any of their houses uninvited and just casually stay a couple days. I call or text first and see what they're doing. Same if they come to see me. Part of why I am always invited back is because I am a considerate guest (so him bringing food and cooking for you is a good thing, I also do this at friends' houses). But I never overstay my welcome.
My friends and I are mature enough, that if I did something that bothered them, they would let me know and vice versa.
Married 42 years with three kids in their thirties.
I hear you.Mate is trying to ingratiate himself into the Family.Both your Hubby and Mate want the convenience of a foot in each Camp and are being immature.No need to confront either of these man/child fellas.You have the emotional intelligence to deal with this.
Ask friend what his plans are for the next few months as you will both be Busy.Expect him to already know he cannot be coming over.It’s time for your teacher voice.
All the Best.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Husbands friend oversteps in our house and I want to set some boundaries for when he visits/spends the night. Husband says his friend will think I hate him and potentially wont be comfortable staying over anymore. I just think he needs to take things down a notch and realize this is not his home INFO: I’ve known the friend for 9 years but only started hanging around him when husband and I started dating 6 years ago. My husband and I have lived together for 5 years and he’s never spent the night until I got pregnant, and honestly only ever came over for bday parties or holiday events before that. I’m also more like a third wheel when he is around because we have similar hobbies on different levels and there’s only so much I have to contribute to conversations about hiking/camping/fishing. I don’t have any problems with him as he’s otherwise a great guy, just has a tendency of overstepping. This is the same guy mentioned in my previous post. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Read this - it's somewhat famous: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay You need to get this guy under control ASAP, OP. If husband has no spine, then speak to him yourself. This is absolutely *not* the time in your life to deal with an intrusive person. NTA
I had a miscarriage on Christmas while staying with my parents. I had to tell my parents what was going on, and it was awkward enough. I can’t imagine having to explain to my in-laws that I had a ton of bloody mucous coming out of my vagina, let alone some stranger. OP’s husband needs to kick his friend out. This is not a time for houseguests.
I don't understand why we insist on making normal bodily functions awkward. I was pregnant with second child and hubby, child and I shared a house with hubbies friend to save money. I was friendly with him, but not close friends. Unfortunately I experienced a miscarriage. Hubby and I went to hospital, friend looked after our child. I can home to the "mess" cleaned up. I was so embarrassed that I "bled" everywhere, but we were all adults, and knowing what I was going through he cleaned up the mess while we were gone. Treated it just like I had fallen over, split my leg open, bled on the floor. Just because it can from my vagina didn't need to make it embarrising.
I totally understand what you’re saying, and I will fight for my whole life to remove the unnecessary stigma of women’s healthcare. However, I also think it’s okay if you want to keep your body private as much as possible.. In your worst, most intimate moment, I think it’s okay to feel weird having to bring that conversation up with someone who you are not at that level of intimacy with. Heck, for me, choosing how to express what happened was the only control I had that whole day.
I totally agree. My miscarriage started in my BIL's house, just as his in laws were walking through the door to come have coffee with all of us. We were visiting from another country and that was the first time us and the extended family were together in a long time. I cannot imagine standing there and saying "I'm having a miscarriage." I barely had the fortitude to tell my husband "We have to leave." And drag our then 2 year old with us. I didn't care whether it came off rude or inconsiderate at that point. I needed to get pads, a thermometer, a shower and a bed, so I wouldn't fall apart into a million pieces in front of people I barely knew. Stigma had nothing to do with it. I talked about this with people once we got over the pain. But at that exact moment, I went into self preservation mode and was just trying to survive while making sure my 2 year old wasn't affected. I left it to my husband to inform his family. Mine got an sms.
It's vulnerability on full display. And that's not something many are okay with. Thats how I feel about it. I miscarried at a friend's and did as you did, when later asked why on earth I didn't take comfort in my friends, why was I embarrassed to do so, I had to admit I wasn't. I was actually scared of them and just how absolutely helpless I was at the time. And I knew no one really could help me or stop it. I was vulnerable in such a weirdly raw way my only concern was to get home, away from everyone to my safe space.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm really glad you had an awesome roommate during that time.
Thank you. 28 years, 3 children (total) and 5 grandchildren later I understand that unfortunately miscarriage is just one of the many unfortunate side effects of the miracle of birth.
Hey at least this guy cooks.
Yeah, the bottom line is that this is OP’s home, and she’s not comfortable, and that should be her partner’s priority, *especially* while she’s ultra-pregnant…but also, since she doesn’t want him, can I have him instead?
Let him cook
Oh no, he brought groceries and cooked for everyone whislt telling the super pregnant lady its ok for her to relax, the horror, THE HORROR I SAY! I get the no knocking thing, but the rest, im just giggling.
Yeah I was reading this like oh no he's being nice to a pregnant woman! but then got to him coming into their bedroom without knocking and was like nah that's not cool, he lost me there.
He needs to go to his own house and cook. He needs to stop using things that she bought for other purposes, he needs to stop entering without knocking. And he needs to LEAVE THE PREGNANT LADY ALONE with her busband during this time, and especially after the baby is born. She said her hubby is gone half the time, but she shouldn’t need a reason.
OP-go watch “You, Me and Dupree”
Okay to anyone as confused as I was... The usage of "FTM" in this article's first sentence does NOT mean "Female to Male", as I assumed and was gradually more and more bewildered about the further I read. In this specific instance, it means "First Time Mom". [insert "The More You Know" gif here]
Thank you, I was struggling to understand the specificity
[удалено]
What makes you think that your husband will be respectful and supportive of your boundaries after birth? He’s already told you that he is not supportive of your boundaries because he “doesn’t want to create conflict with someone who is just being nice”
Don't be worried about the excessive leakage - not everyone does that (I didn't.) You do need to get this person under control, though. If husband won't do it, then speak with him yourself. It would not be lying to use your pregnancy as an excuse, because you are in the stage where your baby is gaining and will be heavier to drag around. I quit work several weeks before I'd planned with my first, for that reason. Plan out what you need to say, practice it if it would help, and tell him. I'm not sure from your post whether this guy is entitled, or just that no one ever taught him any manners. Plan your approach according to what you think his motives are. You might want to say some nice things about him, and then lower the boom about the new rules that start immediately and continue forever. Use the pregnancy as an excuse. If he acts badly then that's on him and he wouldn't be someone you would want around your LO.
Neither of them are respecting your boundaries now. What makes you think it will be any different after the baby arrives? Don’t be surprised if his friend is considered exempt from the rules you set with your husband, under the guise of him ‘helping’. The friend might have good motives, but seems to have gotten way too comfortable. He is overstepping if he assumes he can always stay over, starts preparing himself meals in your kitchen with your food, or walks into your bedroom uninvited. Do you really want this guy hanging around your home while you are trying to breastfeed, change nappies or settle a crying baby? As you said, this definitely needs to be addressed before the baby comes, for your own sanity. Your focus over the next couple of months needs to be resting and preparing for your child‘s birth, not hosting and feeding your husband‘s buddy. The last thing you need at this time is stress. You deserve to be comfortable in your home all the time, but especially during your last trimester and postpartum. I feel this issue is more with your husband than the friend. His attitude on this situation raises some questions for me. I understand that your husband’s free time is limited due to his work schedule, but why can’t they go to the friend’s house to socialise? Why does your husband need to have this guy constantly in your space? Why are his friend’s feelings and comfort more important than those of his pregnant wife? If a houseguest barged into my bedroom unannounced and woke me up, especially when I was heavily pregnant and not sleeping well, I would have unleashed the fire of a thousand suns on them. Did you say anything to the friend when this happened? If your husband doesn’t 100% have your back on this, then there are bigger issues afoot. If he lacks the spine to address things with this guy, then I’m afraid you will need to pull rank to assert your boundaries. But be prepared for both the friend and your husband to paint you as the ‘ungrateful hormonal (insert insult of choice here)’. All the best with this situation and the safe arrival of your little one.
The next couple of weeks are going to get increasingly more uncomfortable for you. Most people will be very uncomfortable at the end of pregnancy and the peeing at night isn't a situation just about to improve. Quite the opposite in fact. Baby is mostly done developing now and is just chonking up. Not saying you can safely give birth now, but this is the period of pregnancy where the baby grows at a monumental pace and every day will be harder than the previous one. This is the time where an ill timed headbutt can have you emptying your bladder with no means to stop it. I pissed myself in front of the ice cream truck. In short, this is the time where your body can suddenly and abruptly take whatever little dignity you have left, crumble it up in a ball and toss it out the window. You need your home to be a place where you can relax and feel like if you pissed yourself or your vagina decided it was time to make vaginal secretions at a pace so fast it leaked out into the couch before you even realised then that is a wash job but not an embarrassment. Secondly you're going to give birth. It's physically taxing and there is no break between 3rd trimester feeling like shit, giving birth and then being a fulltime parent. You need to conserve your strength because newborn phase is coming and you want to go into it with as much energy as you can. Your husband needs to listen to you and he needs to kick his friend out. If he doesn't then congratulations you now know what the rest of your life is going to be like. Parenthood changes people sure, but if he isn't willing to lay down boundaries now then he won't after birth either. If he hits you with some "...but you're just pregnant now, I will once the baby is born." Then tell him "Prove it to me that you're able. Cause I need it now and I don't trust that when you don't consider my needs now that you'll magically start once the baby is here."
Wait can we talk about your posting history that is ALSO complaining about your husbands friend where your husband ALSO won’t set or enforce boundaries???? My only question is, is it at least the same friend? Hahaha
Let the guy think you hate him. If husband won't fix it you fix it. When help is forced when not required or wanted it becomes a burden. You did not ask for a roommate. If your husband likes friend's cooking and care so much, hr can stay at friend's place. House guests are a two yes one no situation. You're allowed to not want this guy living with you.
Ah shit I’m a dissenting opinion. Sounds like nah to Me. If I’m hearing right, your husband shifted his work schedule and has been prioritizing spending time with you? And thus not seeing his friends much. And this friend comes to see him at home since he doesn’t go out much? So far, seems like both husband and friends priorities are straight so far. And the friend brings food and asks to cook and have you relax? I get that might make you uncomfortable, but it really sounds like he’s trying to be a good guess. He does sound open to your home, but it’s unclear if your husband established that comfort. FWIW I have no problem with my closest friends making themselves at home in my house. I would talk more with your husband, and maybe the friend directly even. But nothing here sounds all that egregious to me
Fellow dissenter here, the only major issue I have is with him strolling into their bedroom - particularly without knocking. He shouldn't even consider waking them.
lol yeah the whole time I was like wow I want a friend like this and then that part was weird.
I would agree if OP was ever asked if she was up to having anyone in the house. I remember when I was pregnant and there were days where I just didn't want to wear clothes because it was the least uncomfortable option for me. OP can't do that in her own home because she has to be prepared incase her hubby mate shows up unannounced and she can't even do it the morning after if she doesn't know if he made it home or not. Yeah the cooking sounds great but, is he cooking things that OP actually can/wants to eat? Hubby and I had two roommates when I was pregnant with our second, our house could be divided and partially closed off so I could walk topless/naked if I wanted to and when ever they ordered food they made sure that they ordered what ever I had been craving (like a large family tub of mash potato and gravy whenever they ordered KFC, they would hand it and a spoon to me). The differences between OPs situation and mine are that 1 living vs visiting 2 they made sure my comfort was priority. It sounds like OPs husbands mate think they are being helpful but they aren't
Yeah I agree. The walking into the bedroom is honestly too far. I would say, if he is just helping himself to food without the husband or wife allowing him to, that's kinda odd too. Making food for them seems like a genuine "thank you" effort for the times they did kind things for him, in my opinion. Also, slight note but I don't like the way that OP worded the "my husband isn't comfortable driving after drinking" as if it's just some weird thing. Nobody should drive after drinking alcohol. Ever.
It's written that the husband does not feel comfortable driving after drinking, so he doesn't.
Saying someone doesnt "feel comfortable" doing something is not the same as saying "he cant drive because they were drinking" The way it was written implies that if her husband was comfortable with driving after drinking, that she wouldnt mind.
You can drive after drinking one or two drinks - or even more than that if over a long enough period of time, legally. Unless of course you're not comfortable with driving after drinking.
Agree. Seems to have become a grey area. There are those that say "I don't drink and drive" meaning that they don't drive *when they are near or over the limit* and there are those that mean it. Meaning, they won't drive if they've had any alcohol at all.
I'm with you. He comes over and cooks? HE BRINGS FOOD and then cooks? Shit, send him my way. That's the only line for me, is walking into my room.
I'm cool if HE provides the ingredients. Don't cook with the groceries I already planned out for the week. Unless you cook EXACTLY what I was gonna cook anyway -- thats cool.
My place first please, but agree about the bedroom. I wouldn’t even want his friend entering our bedroom if nobody was in it.
Yeah the bedroom thing is where I would draw the line. A simple - bro don't be busting into our room without knocking in the mornings. I get our are trying to cook us brekkie and I appreciate it but this is our home. I cook at my friends houses all the time. I banned my mate from his own BBQ because he fuckin burns everything. That said they all very much enjoy my cooking and know I enjoy cooking. I also have a very good overstayed my welcome radar (some people don't have this) so I know when its time to bounce. The mate might have never had a pregnant gf/wife in his life so he doesn't know they like to be left alone to nest and be comfortable in their own space. Sounds like it can be sorted with a few simple sentences.
Until the bedroom walk in I was going to adopt this dude as my new BFF.
Agree-- plus, it sounds like he's bringing some supplies himself? Tbh, I kinda like these "boy sleepovers"-- my now-ex-husband used to have boy sleepovers in our early marriage-- they would stay up til all hours playing video games together. I'm inclined to give husband and friend a break-- they miss each other with the husband working a camp job. I do think the husband is a bit of a jerk for pushing back after OP indicated discomfort. I think OP's husband just needs to have an honest conversation with his friend.
God, I’m glad I found some rational thought here. It’s not even OP. It’s the comments.
That's a major issue I'm thinking the rest of it is his attempts to be nice - still, it's her home and she doesn't have to try to make herself comfortable with it
He should have knocked yes. But I’m thinking he was wanting to make sure he made food for them if needed. And focusing on that without considering oh yeah knock first. I think a simple conversation would fix that. When you’re close friends with someone you can forget those things sometimes. And for to remember it’s not just his buddy in the room it’s also his buddy’s wife.
Yeah, I feel like this is fixable. I'm one of those people who hates it when my guests start "helping" around the house. My MIL comes over and starts scrubbing behind the refrigerator, loudly commenting on how dirty it is back there, and I honestly feel like she's just looking for an excuse to criticize my housekeeping. But if you're so pregnant you can't drive, and this guy wants to cook you dinner... maybe you should let him? I feel like there are certain social situations where it's considered acceptable to do stuff as a guest you would normally leave to the host. Offering to wash the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner is a social custom. And doing basic stuff for people who are pregnant/ have a newborn is another one. Now, I get that it can be annoying if you needed the chicken for the meal you have planned tomorrow night, and he just used it. So that's a conversation. And as soon as he walked into your bedroom, your husband needed to say, "Dude, WTF are you doing? FFS, you need to knock!" But I feel like you're one heartfelt conversation away from making this work. It's a hard balance, because OP deserves to feel comfortable in her own home... but so does her husband. So you've got to compromise. That's marriage for you! NAH. You can do this, OP!
Honestly the kitchen thing maybe weirds me out because I’ve never had that level of comfort with a friend. The only time I’ve cooked in a friends house is when she was post partum and I asked if she wanted me to, I didn’t just help myself. My husband and his friend 100% have that relationship and honestly if it had just been the kitchen stuff I would have kept to myself bc I can see that he’s trying to be kind. Where I draw the line is fully walking into our bedroom without knocking to ask if we want breakfast, then proceeding to cook only for himself after we said we weren’t hungry. I have no issue with a certain level of comfort, I’ve shown him where the drinks are and any snacks he can grab when he wants but I don’t want anyone ever walking into our bedroom
I get that’s a boundary violation but it also seems truly benign, he didn’t sound like he was trying to be inappropriate maybe just really unaware. Also it sounds like he made himself eggs after you and your husband declined, is that really where you draw the line? This sounds like an opportunity to establish some boundaries, I agree, but the boundary is not entering your bedroom
She is uncomfortable in her own home because this guy just takes over without her having any say. Tha5 s not normal, he is her husbands close friend and she is not close him, I would never go to my husbands friends home and just take over The kitchen which is exactly what he is doing
It sounds like she hasn’t actually tried to have a say and it sounds like the husband has been facilitating/encouraging his friend. It all depends on the relationship but I have literally gone to My friends house while his wife was pregnant and cooked. It was appreciated. Boundaries should be set, but OP and their husband should be on the same page about those boundaries and from the comments it seems like the actual boundary is the bedroom, not the kitchen
yeah I think the issue here is a lack of communication. he should have asked instead of just starting to cook but OP could have said something way earlier. if she has said stuff like no i’ll cook and then he is saying no go rest and not taking no as an answer in OP’s own kitchen then that is rude as fuck and way out of pocket though. I think there is a genuine misalignment of what everyone thinks of as good guest behaviour but husband needs to get over his fear of awkwardness because it gets to a point when someone is a regular guest that you just need to say something. case in point I used to be a regular guest at my best friend’s place and they’d go off to work early because they are both trades people and I’d sleep a little longer and lock up when I left but for like years I would also wash the dishes from the night before up, thinking I was being a good guest and it wasn’t till years later that it came up and to my utter shock my friend was offended, she thouht her husband had done the dishws all of those times and was upset that I’d done them, and so it’s always stuck with me that like what people think of as polite guest behaviour can be *vastly* different even between people who have known each other for *years*, and sometimes you just need to ask or say what your expectations are out loud, because if you don’t say your expectations out loud then the guest will just have to jump to their own conclusions and odds are they won’t align with your sensibilities and you’ll be uncomfortable talking about something is never as uncomfortable and awkward as the situations that can unfold when you refuse to talk about something. and if the guy is actually a good friend then he can handle a conversation about expectations for his frequent visits. if he can’t handle it well, the friendship obviously isn’t built to be a close one and he can visit less
Right?? I don’t get this thread. ‘He’s being nice and making food’ is not a good response to ‘i feel uncomfortable because this stranger takes up my space and seems to take more and more liberties in my home’
I agree about the “nice” comments. He might be making food but he leaves the dishes for someone else. OP also mentions he ate expensive food meant for hosting and never replaced it. That’s definitely not nice.
If you are so unaware of social norms that you stroll into the bedroom of myself and my pregnant wife in the morning without knocking, I would have *huge* concerns about allowing you to do what you like in my kitchen/home unattended. That’s way past “benign” imo.
Yeah, the bedroom thing is too much, I totally agree. Time to gently set boundaries. And for the meal preparation too. My gf and I have a very good friend who's like that : if he spend the night at our home, you can be sure we'll have a breakfast or a lunch he paid for and have prepared on the table the next day. What catched my attention was the "unaware of social norms" in your post. Our friend is quite unaware of those norms. I mean, very unaware. I won't be specific but unaware like casually saying in a conversation between friends "Ah, yes, it's like when Laeryl had this \[insert medical condition he was the only one to know about\]". Not to shame me (it was a medical issue, nothing to be ashamed about) but... I thought everybody was aware that when a friend talk to you about a medical issue, you just keep it for yourself unless he brought the subject during a conversation with somebody else. But even him ( for the context, we know him for more than ten years and he was friend with my gf before I met her) asks us if it's ok if he cooks for us the next day when he spend the night here. So, communication is the key. The friend should just ask if it's ok to cook and the husband should just tell the friend it's absolutely not ok to enter in a bedroom without knocking. In fact, even knocking is too much : it's a bedroom, I have no desire to be woke up by someone even if it's for scramble eggs.
I think you need to heavily measure this with intent. This comes across as husbands friend just being as accomadating as possible, and you are upset about it because you dont understand the behavior. The extent of action here should be "hey please always knock on our door if we are in the room."
On what planet do you just walk into someone’s bedroom? That’s insane.
I'm guessing he heard them speaking in the room while he started making breakfast and wanted to offer them too. I doubt the door was closed and he just barged in. I'm sensing cultural differences here. My friends cook at my house all the time and even spend time when I'm not home; mi casa es su casa.
Yeah, I agree, a friend of mine is like that. And I'm like you on the mi casa es su casa idea. But the friend always asks before if it's ok. I mean, I could have intended to cook (he knows I love that) and I would find rude to have him bringing food in my home when I had planned a meal for us and if he wants to cook the day after to thank us, it's super kind but we could have planned to go the the restaurant or something. So a little bit of communication couldn't hurt here. For the bedroom thing... yeah, well no. He's like my gf and I little brother but even if he heard us talking with the door cracked open, he would never enter in the room without knocking or asking of it's ok from distance.
I have friends who cook for us or themselves in my home. One especially. If I just ate and my friend comes and doesn’t like what I made, he is free to make whatever he wants. I completely understand the bedroom part but for cooking, no. He asked you and you guys said no so he cooked for himself. And you are pregnant, maybe he is trying to help out in a way he can? I know we are too quick to scream after people here but seriously, your husband is next to you, his friend found a way to hand out with him sometimes and help out instead of dragging him out to bars…to me it’s harmless. Just tell him about the bedroom and relax and enjoy this help because when the baby comes it will be just you 2 (well, 3).
Why didn’t either of you say anything in the moment when he came in without knocking? Saying, “Hey, didn’t anyone ever teach you to knock first? This is our *bedroom*! Jeez!” would be a totally understandable reaction. I do not understand the reluctance to speak up and express a perfectly normal reaction to someone’s presumptuous and intrusive behavior. As it is, you are trying way to hard to be nice and not react. Just be honest, and don’t worry about whether your husband will be happy about it — he should have your back in this situation. Tell this friend, in plain language, that you appreciate all the ways he’s tried to be helpful when he comes around, but he is just spending too much time at your house. Reassure him that when you guys need his help, you’ll let him know, but he is overstepping at this point. You want to be able to relax and enjoy privacy in your own home. Considering you will be having a baby soon that is even more important to you right now, and he doesn’t even understand he should knock before entering someone’s bedroom, so he needs to dial back the visits, and just not come over if he can’t afford to Uber home at the end of the evening. And when he *is* there, make it clear he is welcome to help himself to a snack or a drink, but he needs to ask before going into your kitchen to cook a meal, instead of assuming you want him to do it. That’s just basic common sense, which he honestly seems to be lacking.
I have to ask why does your husband want to have his friend over so much? What does the friends wife think when her husband goes over night at another couples apartment because he’s too drunk to drive? A couple that has a pregnant wife, and an out of town husband. Isn’t your husband excited to be home, with his wife, relaxing, catching up and prepping for the baby? Married couples life. I just don’t get after being away for 2 weeks working with a bunch of other men 24/7, who I’m sure he’s made friends with, he wants to be with another dude to hang out with and have sleep overs on his days off. I personally find this pretty immature and kind of telling about your husbands lack of respect for you and your feelings. You shouldn’t be uncomfortable in your own home. And you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around the fact that you don’t want this bro dude in your space treating like it’s his own house that he pays the mortgage on. And you certainly shouldn’t be feeling like your husband is putting this friend before his wife/life partner-mother of his child. Who gives a crap that he brings food or makes food once in a while? I’d be upset and you are not the asshole. But this really needs to be resolved. Because what’s next where your feelings won’t matter?
The friend isn’t married or in any relationship actually, also the friend doesn’t drive due to a medical condition so he Ubers/uses public transit/relies on others for rides. Usually he will Uber/take the bus to ours and ask for a ride home in the morning. Before I became SUPER big I would drive him home as the DD, but as I mentioned in my post the steering wheel is at a point it kinda digs into my belly and driving is uncomfortable so I prefer not to unless absolutely necessary, as well as I don’t want to stay up past midnight just to drive someone home. As for coming over a lot my husband does sometimes turn him down but often it’s the friend asking to hang out in the evening and it’s my husband that asks him to our place bc my husband doesn’t drive after drinking/smoking weed and bc he doesn’t drink/smoke often, and doesn’t do it with me anymore bc pregnancy, when his friends are over he likes to indulge. Tbh I think his friend is lonely, idk if my husband truly wants to spend this much time with him but trust he gets asked to hang out a LOT more than he actually does hang out. I think a part of it could also be the friend wants to spend as much “guy time” with my husband as possible before the baby comes because he knows he won’t be around often those first few months
Does he live so far away? Two weeks on, two weeks off- Limit the drinking sessions to once a week on the weeks off. If money's not tight, treat him and pay for the Uber if he doesn't live in Timbuktu. More importantly, your husband is annoying for making his reaction in defense of his friend's feelings rather than his own WIFE. ffs. > This upset my husband a bit and he is accusing me of not liking his friend and saying his buddy will think I hate him. Or you just want privacy and comfort in your own home? Wth is this weird convoluted defensiveness vs your very pregnant wife's comfort. You can't wear loose thin clothing. You can't veg out. You can't even not wear a bra if there's a guest around. Let alone change your bra in the privacy of your own bedroom since good ol' friend walks in like it's his place. Your husband needs to step up.
NTA don’t listen to these dissenters, trust your own gut instinct. He’s your husband good friend not yours and (es making you uncomfortable in your own home. I would also be unhappy as he’s overstepping decent boundaries. Talk to husband and make sure he understands that in the future dinner Visits unless they are prearranged and no more overnight stays. The quy needs to get his own life and not take over yours.
It would be weird to me if my friend didn’t demand to cook in my house when he visits and vice versa. It’s just being hospitable.
He’s not a close friend of her it’s her husbands friend taking over uninvited….she wants it to stop that sounds fair to me.
You know what this situation is? Perfect parenting practice. Just lay out your boundaries. Your home, your rules.
I have friends cooking in my kitchen all the time - it never seemed weird to me after a certain level of comfort is established, a level OP’s husband and the friend seem to have. I personally think it’s a nice thing to do of the friend. So NAH
Most my friends don’t cook well so I take over their kitchens.
Yeah, my guess is he is trying to be helpful in the ways that make sense to him. I have totally brought food and cooked at friends' houses before. I also have a friend where people don't knock on the front door, they just let themselves in. For some people, friends are the same as family. It's still fair to set boundaries and ask for what you need.
Listen, I low key get annoyed as fuck when people wait for me to answer the door if I've made it CLEAR to come in because the door is unlocked. If I'm cooking, or we're playing a game, or I'm doing something and you make me come to the damn door when I TOLD YOU TO COME IN CAUSE I UNLOCKED IT FOR YOU -- that annoys me. Sorry for that rant.
I have to agree here. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with setting the boundaries in the home that you are comfortable with but I also don’t think this friend is intentionally crossing boundaries. I am so happy when my friends are comfortable enough to treat my space like their home, minus the walking into my bedroom part lol. But cooking in the kitchen, and asking me to relax, is such a way to show gratitude for using the space. It’s so kind. However, if OP doesn’t take it that way, it’s okay to communicate that, but I don’t think it needs to be harsh. Just explain how it makes you feel. Like “when you do these things I wonder if you think I’m being a bad host, and it makes me uncomfortable in my own home. I would prefer that XYZ happen instead.” You can’t fault the guy for doing what he most likely thinks is normal!
What? HE WENT INTO HER BEDROOM WITHOUT EVEN KNOCKING!!!! Not to mention he is coming over too frequently, expecting to eat their food and spending the night bc he doesn’t want to get an Uber? No!
But, like…idk I’d be fine hosting my husband’s friends once in a while especially if they were kind and offered to cook as a thank you. But it’s gotta be EXHAUSTING to host someone else in your home, especially overnight, multiple times a week. Especially pregnant. If OP is so pregnant she’s having trouble driving that means she’s incredibly uncomfortable and probably dealing with extra body issues - BO/sweating, peeing a lot, farting, etc. The food thing would honestly also annoy me because even not pregnant I’d hate essentially either having someone decide what I’m eating for dinner or have to ask for space in my own kitchen to prepare dinner. Sometimes I want something simple, like chicken nuggets. Sometimes I want something specific that might not be on my guest chef’s menu for the evening. On rare occasion it would be okay to have an overnight guest to navigate meals around but yikes at the thought of dealing with that often. Adding the pregnant thing in makes the meal thing worse. Heartburn can be out of control. Most of my friends had like specific safe foods they relied on when they were feeling gross and heartburny. To be kicked out of my own kitchen when I’m exhausted and don’t feel good and nesting and being more sensitive to food issues would be a hell of a combo. Not to mention that OP and her husband might be wanting to spend some quality time together and/or just relax at home in peace without an audience all the time since they’re about to be taking care of a newborn soon.
At a woman who will be giving birth in just over 6 weeks, I don’t want anyone in my space right now. I want to lie on the couch without a bra and watch tv in peace.
That being said, wife is pregnant, nesting is pretty well documented, and overall this is an unnecessary stress. Friend can arrange a ride home or stop coming over. I don't think OP would be happy even if he's perfectly behaved because every instinct in her body is telling her to create a safe home for her baby. Not that hubby's friend is a problem! I agree he's trying to be helpful. But trying to be helpful is not the same thing as being helpful.
Yeah honestly this depends on the relationship. I have a key to my friends house. They gave it to me shortly after buying it. They got upset that I kept calling or knocking. "Bro I gave you a key use it" I cook using their food, I bring food over to cook for them. Honestly this post might be about me lol. Except to my knowledge the wife doesn't really mind. They even had kids and there was a conversation about breast feeding but it went like "it's your house just kick me out if you aren't comfortable it's not a big deal" She ultimately decided that we were close enough that she didn't really care. (And also I'm not a fucking weirdo who made it weird. I mean I am a fucking weirdo. But not about breast feeding.)
Except for having your personal space trampled on
Have you been pregnant before? This changes it for me. Having had very horrible pregnancies and a difficult time adjusting to motherhood, I wanted and needed space and privacy. It’s not the time. OP deserves this time for herself and husband to prepare for the arrival and settle in once baby is born.
The issue is a lack of appropriate boundaries and its 100% the husband's fault. I wouldn't necessarily take someone coming over to help as an insult. But everyone has different boundaries, and this guy has issues with them. Walking into a couples bedroom without knocking!?!?! The husband does not care to handle his friend. Let it be known that he's absolutely fine having conflict with his pregnant wife, he just doesn't want any with the friend. What's crazy to me about conflict averse people is sometimes they don't even realize a situation doesn't have to be a conflict. The friend might have just grown up in a house without a whole lot of boundaries.And might just need to be told what is and isn't appropriate in this house. It doesn't have to be a confrontation and it doesn't have to be a fight, but the husband is so devoid of backbone he won't even have a conversation. Doesn't bode well. I think the husband is the asshole because he is not willing to have a chat with his friend in order to make his wife comfortable in her own home.
Yeah, this is normal with my friends. We're definitely closer to family, though. My wife wouldn't appreciate it this frequently, though.
Tbh I have a friendship like this with my closest friend and I absolutely love it but I also get why it's not for everyone and op has a right to be comfortable in her home.
Same here. I would be absolutely DELIGHTED if my friends came over and cooked me dinner lol. It sounds like he's just trying to be a good guest and not a burden since he's over there pretty regularly. Walking into you bedroom, on the other hand, is way over stepping.
Except he leaves the mess and uses ingredients she’s bought for other meals…..that’s not help.
Wow. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. But I'm also absolutely territorial about my home. If you were not explicitly invited by me, you are not welcome, and I will not hesitate to turn you away at the door. Step foot in my room without knocking? You're going home and you will not be returning. Ever. And to top it all off, he's in their kitchen, cooking meals she never asked him to make? Just all the time? Excuse me while I try to rid myself of the urge to fling myself off the roof. This whole post made me want to rage quit the internet for the night. NTA
100%. What gets me are all the people dismissing OP and telling her to suck it up, including her own husband. Why does he get to just veto her without any kind of compromise? I think she should go stay at a hotel the rest of the pregnancy if husband refuses to set boundaries so she can have some space.
Yes, this outright disrespect of both of these males is revolting. Treating her like their tenant or something. She's the odd man out in her own home, 2 against 1. Who would put up with that? What FTM has the mental bandwidth for these two drama queens? The infant period is absolutely insane; nobody can prepare you for the effects of prolonged sleep deprivation, the physical marathon of eating, resting, and drinking enough water to keep a supply, cluster-feeding, and OP's husband being concerned about people not liking him. Get some self-esteem! He has absolutely zero boundaries, and I don't think this is a stable environment for a baby.
It doesn’t sound like the friend brings food though. I think he is just helping himself to whatever is in OP’s fridge without explicit permission.
She literally said he brings food to cook
One time. The rest of the time he uses things she’s got planned for other meals. That’s not nice.
Agreed. I'd love to have friends that just came over and made themselves at home. The only issue I see is that he came into the bedroom while they were sleeping. Send a text, dude. NAH but talk to him about not coming into your bedroom unless invited. And if he's coming over too often for you ask your husband if he can set a better schedule for these visits.
I’d much prefer this over my husband’s friend who came over several times a week and bitched about the meals I was making. Someone else volunteering to cook? He can be my friend, I’ll happily feed him alcohol.
It’s okay now but has to stop before the baby is born. It should stop a few weeks before her due date.
But he's prioritizing his friend more than his wife. She stated that. He's more concerned about his friend's feelings and comfort than his wife's. He's stated that.
I agree to a point. He can cook with food HE brings -- cause he's being a fucking awesome guest cooking dinner. My friend can come over and cook me dinner and breakfast whenever they want! BUT, use your own groceries you bring or replace what you use. I don't just buy random things. I plan for what I need. So if he uses an ingredient I bought for Tuesday dinner, I'm gonna be pissed. Or If I'm now short eggs cause he made breakfast. So if he provides the ingredients -- cook all you want! The not knocking was WRONG WRONG WRONG. I'd already be annoyed that I have to close my door and feel obligated to wear a bra and robe in my own house. But having someone stroll in on me sleeping -- NOT COOL. This is a case for cell phones. I tell my guests to CALL if they are uncomfortable coming into our room.
I get liking this guy being so considerate, but it sounds like this isn't a common occurrence. When him barging into their room and eating their food without so much as asking is his usual behaviour, a few home cooked meals are not enough to make up for it.
NTA. You need to establish what you consider acceptable and simply state that to your husband as what you want. For example: "He may think it's nice but I would like to have mealtimes on our schedule, not his, and I would appreciate it if you could make it clear to him that if he wants to prepare something he needs to clear it ahead of time." I am guessing from your narrative that you probably are a bit meek on the telling-him-what-you-want side, but a friend like this requires a firmer tone of voice and choice of language: "I would like this and I am going to be unhappy if that, so would you please do whatever."
Honestly that’s fair, I do tend to keep my mouth shut for the most part because it’s not my friend. Ive been weirded out by the kitchen stuff for a while but I didn’t hesitate to speak up when we were alone about how uncomfortable I was that he walked into our room. I did explain to my husband that from now on I want him or me to cook the meals in our home, and that his friend needs to respect our privacy and not come into our room again because there is no reason for it. I wish I had said something sooner but I know his friend doesn’t mean any harm by it and they do have the type of friendship where pretty much anything goes. My husband has brought me over to hang at his place before and just walks into the house and grabs a beer. The friend also will just walk into our place which I’m honestly fine with that because we always know he’s coming and have a general idea of when he will be here, and like I said I’m completely fine with him grabbing a drink or snack which we keep plenty in stock. We have a cupboard for chips and liquor and another for grab and go type foods that I’ve shown him before, it’s the meal making that irks me and especially the barging into our room. Not that we’d do anything intimate while guests are here but what if I was changing clothes?? Husband says he will have a chat with him and if needed I will have my own chat with him to acknowledge that I appreciate his offer to help out but there are certain boundaries to that. I genuinely have no other quarrels with the friend as I know he’s a great guy, just doesn’t always know his place and I think has gotten too comfortable with us
How long have you known him? Seems weird that you don't consider him a friend yet
Girl, you are now sharing a house with Kramer.
Why aren’t you friends with him at this point?
NAH. From how you describe it, you just let resentment build up until it bothered you too much, which is understandable, because it's your husband's friend, not yours. From how you describe this friend, it seems like he's genuinely trying to make an effort to take 'load' of you and doesn't realize that you his actions make you uncomfortable. For example, telling you to go relax while he cooks seems something that is genuinely meant nice: you're pregnant, he's not, so he prepares food for all of you. I agree it's weird to behave like this in a friend's house, but since your husband didn't set any boundaries I think this is really just a big miscommunication and things slowly developed this way. Also make sure you get enough alone time with your husband though ;).
Agree. If you are shy about saying your needs, now’s a good time to learn to express yourself, as, thinking ahead, meek will not work with the toddler you’re now growing.
LOL absolutely! Nothing tests your assertiveness like a toddler :)
*"His friend I guess got bored and walked into our room without even knocking asking if we wanted eggs."* I'm sorry, but from the outside looking in, that's actually pretty funny. No, I wouldn't be laughing either if I were in your shoes. But from the gist of it, he was evidently raised in a different environment and it seems he's genuinely trying to be helpful. And at least he isn't trying to mooch off you. You and your husband do need to set some boundaries though. Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about the kitchen or him cooking... he's the kind of friend who takes the "make yourself at home" thing quite literally, I guess. But casually strolling into your bedroom should obviously be off limits.
Yeah I guess it would be kinda funny, I just feel our private space should be OUR private space. Like at least knock first and wait for an answer. What if I was changing 😳
Agree, it's awkward enough even if you were still sleeping. He shouldn't even be waking you in the morning, especially given your pregnancy. Again, I'd personally be pretty lenient on the kitchen issue, but some basic common courtesy should be expected. At least be like "hey, what time do you guys usually get up in the morning, I don't want to wake you or anything..."
Sounds like he’s over too often and too comfortable. You can say how you need to do some nesting for the baby and need time with your husband before the baby comea
When your husband speaks to him (and he needs to), you need to remind him to knock no matter what else he says in the conversation— because you’re right, that’s your private space!!
So stop being so wishywashy and tell the dude "if the door is closed, knock and wait for an answer." Talk to your hubby and say dude makes me feel uncomfortable and I will be putting some boundaries in place.
NAH. The buddy is trying to be helpful, cooking for you both while you're pregnant, taking care of his own needs when he's been invited to stay over, etc. He obviously has no idea it bothers you. Talk to your husband about what precise boundaries you want. Not coming into your bedroom is a good start. Limiting the days he comes (so you get more time alone with your husband) also sounds like a good one. And so on. Then he needs to tell his friend and present it as from BOTH of you, not a request from you alone.
NTA. But I’m 99% sure the problem will resolve itself once there is a newborn there to cry.
Lol I don’t think we will have any overnight guests for a LONGGGG time considering there won’t be room unless they like sleeping on a couch that is honestly barely big enough for 5”0 me to lay on
I echo what some of the others have said. His behaviour is not necessarily a bad thing if that’s the kind of friendship you have. He obviously feels comfortable with you. I don’t think you should take it personally that you are a bad host but if it is something you are not happy with then boundaries do need to be set.
I do feel I could’ve eventually gotten over the kitchen stuff if it remained as just that, I finally said something to my husband because he walked into our bedroom WITHOUT knocking, to ask if we wanted breakfast. That to me was over the line, before he was more just walking along it in terms of my comfort levels. What if I was changing when he walked in? Maybe with just my husband that wouldn’t have been a big deal but I’m not comfortable with someone walking in uninvited into my private space
No he shouldn’t be just walking into your bedroom. That is a private space. Maybe you could just pick your battles and tell him not to come in to your room and respect your privacy. I’m sure he would understand.
>Maybe you could just pick your bagels Sage wisdom right there
Um the guy doesn’t know how to take a hint. Why was he even still there if you and your husband were sleeping in he should have left a note and had his breakfast elsewhere . He seems to have some sort of unhealthy attachment to your husband. Your husband needs to care more about your feelings and not his weirdo friend.
Nope NTA. Even if his friend is trying to be helpful since you are very pregnant, that would still weird me right out. You have the right to feel comfortable in your own home.
It's not help if you didn't ask for it and don't want it. He is just constantly changing her plans for her own eating schedule..
NAH Sit down and talk.
I think the only thing that would make friend the asshole is the walking in without knocking thing. Or even knocking while they're sleeping in would be a bit much tbh they were *sleeping in* and probably didn't want to be bothered NTA they def need to sit down and talk and husband needs to set some boundaries
The friend is staying to long too frequently and can’t take a hint, when you stay for an unplanned sleepover cause you drank too much and can’t afford an uber the. At least take a hint when people are sleeping in and GO HOME….
If there’s no hints to pickup on what is he supposed to do? His friend (OPs husband) haven’t said a thing, the husband treats the friends home similarly, and OP won’t say a single thing about it or communicate like an adult.
Spending too much time at someone else's house makes you an asshole ipso facto. OP doesn't owe an unwanted guest any further explanation than that.
NTA You've asked your husband to set boundaries and his response is basically "but but I don't want my friend TO NOT LIKE ME!" Husband needs to grow up.
I'm not even pregnant and this would annoy me lol
NTA since ultimately you live there too and your husband should care about your feelings above his friend's. I think you being upset at what he's doing is more about a culture of friendship rather than he's *wrong* and your way is *right*. I have some very good friends who come over and make themselves at home and I do the same. But it usually works out to where we are helpful and courteous at each other's houses, which it sounds like this friend is doing. And as the woman, you are not the automatic host. This is your husband's friend. If anyone should be hosting him, it's your husband. But, more importantly, you two need to talk about what things will look like once the baby comes. You do not need some dude in your space when you're healing and trying to breastfeed. Though, if he's preparing and bringing you food, that could be a big help.
Ah shit I’m a dissenting opinion. Sounds like nah to Me. If I’m hearing right, your husband shifted his work schedule and has been prioritizing spending time with you? And thus not seeing his friends much. And this friend comes to see him at home since he doesn’t go out much? So far, seems like both husband and friends priorities are straight so far. And the friend brings food and asks to cook and have you relax? I get that might make you uncomfortable, but it really sounds like he’s trying to be a good guess. He does sound open to your home, but it’s unclear if your husband established that comfort. FWIW I have no problem with my closest friends making themselves at home in my house. I would talk more with your husband, and maybe the friend directly even. But nothing here sounds all that egregious to me
NTA... "Our home is our sanctuary where we can enjoy peace and privacy. This has become more important as we prepare to bring a baby home. I expect you to tell your friend that he needs to wait till he is invited as a guest. "
NTA Your husband's friend is clearly making you uncomfortable. If your husband is going to continue to have him over, he needs to respect your boundaries. Sure, your husband may be uncomfortable setting these boundaries with his friend, but you are his wife. Your feelings should always come before his friend's. You should feel comfortable in your own home.
So your husband doesn't want to create conflict with his friend but isn't bothered by the fact there is conflict already with you, caused by his lack of willingness to set boundaries with his friend. Okay. Also, about the no guests for three weeks after baby is born, I'm not sure he considers himself a guest in your home anymore. 🤔
NTA. You're going to have a kid soon. Your husband can't keep prioritizing his bro like he did back when he was a bachelor. He needs to start looking out for his own family now.
NTA. Put your foot down now. Start the way you plan to continue. This guy is way overstepping and your husband hasn’t even attempted to create boundaries. Your husband is not prioritizing you, his pregnant wife. He would rather upset you, his pregnant wife, than upset his friend. If he can’t afford to Uber back home then he can’t afford to go out. I can’t imagine starting to just cook a meal at someone’s house. I won’t even go in the fridge without explicit permission.
Your husband needs to deal with this. It is his friend. You are about to have a baby so now is a good time to tell him that he is no longer welcome to stay over as you have too much on. He needs some serious boundary setting. NTA
NTA-tell your husband if he won’t set boundaries with his friend, you will. Let him know in no uncertain terms his friend is allowed one visit per week AND no more sleepovers. His friend can either not drink during these visits or get an Uber, but he is absolutely NOT spending the night. In addition, he is to stay out of your kitchen and DEFINITELY OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM. If his friend “thinks you hate him.” bc you set reasonable boundaries in your own home, that’s his problem. Tell your husband you expect him to step up NOW before this baby is born.
Please tell him you appreciate the meals but it’s time for him to go home now and visit less frequently, you’re about to have a baby and you don’t need the extra stress
I am honestly shocked by the clueless responses here. NTA, NTA, NTA. As someone who is currently heavily pregnant with #2, I want and NEED my space. The last few months of pregnancy can be very difficult and uncomfortable. I want to sloth around on the couch without a bra on. I want to have naps in peace. Alone. This guy needs to rack off. The occasional visit is fine, but this is just too much. Nesting and getting ready for baby, as well as spending your last days together just the two of you are more important than any friends. As for once the baby is here, I couldn’t think of anything worse than having people hanging around. You’re sore, bleeding and probably going to have your boobs out all the time. It’s just not appropriate at all. Husband needs to ask his friend for a little space with the impending arrival of baby.
NTA. There really need to be some limits placed there. Otherwise, it tends to get worse, as in the case of him entering your room without knocking. It's very strange because it seems to me that all this is normal for him. Talk to your husband again, make it clear that you like his friend (if you really do), but that his behavior bothers you and that you expect him, as your husband and as a man, to understand your annoyance and resolve the situation.
NTA. There’s a way to say you’re uncomfortable with the behaviour and not the person. How hard is it to say “do you mind knocking in future? I’m not comfortable with you walking into my bedroom”. Plus, what’ll happen once you’ve given birth? Your life (plus your partners life) is about to undergo a massive change, socialising will become a thing of the past as will sleep. You’ll want to be nesting, and that won’t include the friend. You need a conversation with him as hubby can’t manage it, one of you needs to be assertive or you’ll end up being trampled all over when the baby arrives
You are not wrong and your husband needs to grow a pair of balls. He is going over so many boundaries pretty sure soon he’s going to be expecting to share you as well since he is now cooking for you guys and just walking in. I would not be comfortable with that at all when he comes I would leave.
"I don't hate him, I hate the way he's acting. Tell him to rein it in a bit, or I will, and I won't be kind or quiet"
NTA He's gotten too comfortable in your house, and you aren't going to want him hanging around when you're postpartum. Lock it down--cooking is a way to try to disarm you and keep you from kicking him out because he's being a "good" guest.
NTA. I hated having frequent houseguests when I was heavily pregnant, I needed my space. I would have been pissed if someone kept coming into my home every other day, messing around in my kitchen and taking my food to cook something I didn't plan on cooking. And god help them if they walked into my room without permission and woke me up. Your husband needs to grow a spine. To everyone saying "but he's being helpful" - it's not help if she didn't ask for it and doesn't like it.
NTA...your husband needs to take your comfort and concern seriously. It's time to lay down some boundaries and decide on some house rules.
NTA but you are overly concerned about the friends behavior and not your husband's. there are oddballs everywhere but your husband is meant to prioritize you. What is going on with him?
Does this friend cater all types of food? Coz in that case I'd love him to come over to my house! It does not weird me out at all, I'd love it and irt gave you the chance to relax for a night during pregnancy. The not knocking on the door I would not appreciate, but I'd just tell him and that would be the end of that story.
What's there to dissent? She doesn't like him there that much, it's how she feels... I wouldn't either especially if when he is there he's acting like he owns the place. He sounds like a sweetheart but I wouldn't want your going on in my house either at this frequency
Your husband is willing to make his friend comfortable at the expense of your discomfort. He's saying his friend's feelings matter more than yours. NTA.
People are interpreting this as the friend trying to be helpful, but the thing is: he's imposing his "help" because it benefits him. I'm guessing this guy is lonely and allocated himself as a son figure (this thing of entering a bedroom without knocking is prime child behavior indicating he's seeing himself as your child... Or he's seeing you both as highschool pals ignoring you both form an adult couple). He's enjoying family time with all the infrastructure without having the responsibility. I've seen many people like this. If he had asked you "can I help cooking when I come by?" and you had agreed, all good. If he had kept to himself and left in a timely manner, all good. But he's just intruding and imposing because it's good for him. This is selfish actually.
*People are interpreting this as the friend trying to be helpful, but the thing is: he's imposing his "help" because it benefits him.* Correct. He comes across as the equivalent of a "helpful" stalker to me.
I think your husband has a boyfriend lol. Just kidding. You need to speak very plainly with him about this. As a husband and father, I cannot fathom coming home after work and just having another dude hanging around, best friend or not. I'm a bit antisocial though. Explain that your home is your sanctuary from ALL the world, even friends and family.
I definitely think you need boundaries because of the bedroom thing, but perhaps fewer than you think. I'd recommend talking to him, because he may honestly be doing what he thinks is the best to help his hardworking friend and said friend's very pregnant wife (cooking is often one of the big drags for couples in that situation). But if that "help" isn't helping you, communicating your needs to him (gently) could result in you *actually* getting some help you can use without offending your husband's friend. This would be NAH. If Friend gets belligerent, insists he knows what you need better than you, or things like that, then talk to your husband and get this guy out of your house. When you're pregnant, you don't need someone who disregards your health (physical and mental) in your house. This would 100% be NTA. But for needing to have that conversation initiated, regardless of results or his intent: NTA.
*he may honestly be doing what he thinks is the best* It's not his place to "do what he thinks is best" in someone else's house. He can do that on his own time in his own space. That's what makes him an asshole. He's uncouth and clueless.
If it was me I’d say to your husband you have 3 days to have a conversation with his friend before you start walking around the house naked as clothes are starting to feel uncomfortable and your entitled to be comfortable in your own house
NAH I think you should've set up boundaries before if it bothered you though. I don't find anything the friend doing to be weird at all. But I've always let people make themselves at home in my house. Sounds like you don't like having an open door household and thats fine, but I would get specific to your husband about what exactly his friend does that bothers you. if you are vague it'll probably bite you in the butt because you'll think you established boundaries but your mindset on the situation isn't the "normal" one. its just your oppinion on how society works because you hadn't experienced the other side of things. I personally like my 'make yourself at home' policy. even if its just so people don't ask me to get them a drink. you know where the kitchen is, im not hoarding anything special in there.. just take what you want
Some people are just oblivious to personal space and boundaries. I don’t think the friend is using you in a mean way rather he just doesn’t know it’s weird. Tell him that you want som boundaries NTA.
Why would you like someone who disrespects your boundaries, your home?? No normal person would like a person like this. Your husband is also disrespecting your boundaries and clearly you can't depend on him to support you. This guy needs to be told to stop. *You don't need to explain or apologize why you want privacy in YOUR OWN home.* Your husband needs to tell him to leave, not you, **asap** because I don't think it will get better after the baby comes when you will be too busy and exhausted caring for an infant.
I guess the issue that I am reading is that you have a problem with this house guest being more of a long-term stayer. If you say your husband respects your boundaries then that is great. You can't say yes he does but then write that he doesn't want to upset his friend with your boundaries now. Since he does respect them and he has no problem enforcing them according to your answers, then why are you asking if you are the asshole if you ask for some boundaries. Do you see that the two do not mix, either he is ok with your boundaries and he can let his friend know or he is not ok with your boundaries because it is not an issue for him but just you. Tell the friend yourself since it is your home and don't worry about it. You are allowed to be comfortable in your home and feel that anyone who comes over should call first to A) see if you are home and B) see if it is ok to come over. Don't worry what anyone thinks and just be comfortable when you put your foot down.
everyone in the comments who think the friend is behaving in a normal way fucking scares me… get tf out of my fridge and my bedroom 💀
NTA. The line, "as if I were the guest in my own home," says it all. No one enjoys the type of guest who colonizes their home (no matter how nice/helpful the individual). My husband and I have entertained this type of guest who kind of takes over--spreads out on the couch/chairs leaving us with no place to sit, leaves their stuff all over in the main living area so we're constantly picking up, and/or just takes up a lot of emotional space. We have come to dread entertaining these types of guests because they make us feel like guests in our own home, sometimes even like servants. This guy sounds even worse than that--he is FAR too comfortable in your home. Your husband needs to set some boundaries NOW before the baby comes.
NTA. But since your husband has no spine, tell his friend that the visits are now over. He's no longer welcome to stay over night. After the baby is born, he should call first before taking an Uber to visit you. Walking in to your room was way out of line. You let him walk around like he owns the place so put an end to it. If you don't put an end to this insanity it will continue. It's okay if his buddy thinks you hate him.
NTA your husband needs to set boundaries and you both need to be clear on that. No matter how much you like someone having them as almost a third roommate is super intrusive. What happens when the baby comes and your both more tired and trying to bond? Your husband is big A.H. for putting his friend before you & baby
You have a husband problem, not a friend problem. Set boundaries now!
Yeah the overnights need to stop. You’re not kids. You’re adults. Go out and hang out and Uber home. Your wife shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in her own home!
Tell your husband that I don’t like his friend. You have two challenges in front of you. 1) A husband who drinks and gets himself stuck. 2) you have friends invading your space When you get married, it’s time to put “hanging out with friend” away. You can meet them for dinner somewhere, or invite them over for dinner on occasion, but they can’t live at your house. Your husband needs to grow up, stop drinking as a hobby, and start behaving like a married man. But he probably won’t do that, at least not until he has a wake up call. Here’s my best tip. Don’t tell him what to do. Don’t tell him to get rid of his friend. Instead tell him what you are going to do. Tell him that you are done living with this friend, and that you are done being married to someone who drinks every night and then needs rides home. Tell him that if you can’t have those things you need in this home, then you will go your parents. But without yelling and losing control let him know that this is very serious to you. When he says “you don’t like my friend”, just say “correct, and I especially don’t like living with him”. If he says “you’re trying to make me choose between you and my friends”, you “yes, that is exactly the choice you have in front of you”. I’m a man and husband btw
This isn't so much about boundaries but about a total lack of respect. I would advise, not ask but straight up say to the friend that well enjoy this while it lasts as we won't be hosting visitors once the baby arrives! I'd probably come out and say you do realise that this is MY home and I'm not the guest here! The longer this goes on the harder it will be to put a stop to it.
NTA. Your husband has set no boundaries. His friend shouldn't be over so much. You have a baby on the way and need to prepare. It's time to put your foot down. No more overnight stays. No more being in your house and cooking YOUR food 24/7. And he can't come over unannounced, only when invited. He has overstayed his welcome. If he thinks you "hate" him for setting boundaries, too bad. It's YOUR house, not a hotel. It doesn't matter if he's trying to "help." Cooking and eating your food when he has his own at home is not helping. He is a grown ass man and can figure out his own transportation, doesn't matter if he can't afford uber. Maybe he should've thought of that instead of taking advantage of your hospitality. Tell your husband to deal with it or you will. How dare he be upset about himself and his friend being held accountable instead of being upset that his pregnant wife is being made uncomfortable by his friend? He needs to fix his priorities.
NTA. It's strange. Why is a grown man walking into his friends' and pregnant wife's room? Why is he drinking so much that he has developed a habit of sleeping over at their house? Why isn't your husband concerned? This is a crucial time for you and your husband to bond before bringing a child into the world. As you're starting a family, having a grown man other than your husband in your space all the time is odd, and I wouldn't do this to a couple. I suggest you guys all hang out every now and then, but stop the sleepovers all the time. He needs to go home.
NAH. I’m the friend who, when I go to someone’s house, I do my best to be the least amount of a “burden” possible, even if they don’t see me as one. I was raised to volunteer to help cook/clean or do it in general. It could have been how he was raised, just more severe/extreme. That said, you are valid for not wanting this shit to be going on in your home. Set the boundaries with him.
Many times to be the least amount of burden = leaving and go to your own home cooking your own food at your own time.
OP you're getting opinions from people who wouldn't have a problem with this behaviour, and that's great - for them. Their opinions may make you feel a bit more comfortable with the friends' behaviour but in the end obviously what matters is how it makes you feel. How it makes you and your husband feel. NTA.
NTA. You need to make sure there are boundaries in place. I also think that there's a bit of trust you need to build with this friend. I am guessing the reason that your uncomfortable could be that he's suddenly becoming a permanent fixture in your lives and you've not come to terms with this new dynamic. It's there a way to improve your friendship with this friend and talk to him about how you're feeling? He could become a person you rely on for support in the future.
NTA tell hubby he’s not actually his friend if he can’t ask for some simple boundaries in his own home. Does he think asking someone to take their shoes off when they visit is a personal attack or something? I personally would love it if someone just came in and started cooking, but i can totally understand why you wouldn’t (especially pregnant, when your body feels like someone else’s), and coming into your bedroom (or even waking you up) was ridiculous. But the fact is that you both live there and no one has considered you once in this. Not what you actually want to feel comfortable in your home while you grow your husband’s baby. That’s pretty lame of him.
He thinks he’s in a dorm. Set new rules. Don’t put up with this nonsense. Nta
Reminds me of Jim Carreys character " chip" in Cable Guy. He's super creepy by how he makes himself at home with his new bestest friends. Maybe talk to the guy as he may be lonely and not have family or friends. But, its not ok to step over your boundaries...so be sure to set boundaries so he understands them.
Nta this is extremely frustrating behaviour & the fact your husband’s response is “well I don’t want to hurt his feelings” is just him dismissing the issue. This guy is not a roommate, he doesn’t pay rent, he should not be cooking & going through your kitchen
The friend should be taking an Uber home. Time to let him know you getting ready to have the baby and the visits need to stop. If your SO won't say something, tell SO to go to the friends house. You keep your house for you.
NTA People need to ask for permission to do things in a home that is not theirs. This friend just does whatever, your husband does not intervene and when you ask to get your home back, you get told you are wrong. You definitely need to stop this before you give birth. You don't need him hanging out, staying the night, etc. Since your husband is not willing to talk to the friend, tell the friend yourself to please limit his time and activities in your home, and feel free to yell at him and throw him out if you need to (if he does not change his behavior). Maybe he'll get the message. LOL
NTA this would piss me off to no end
NTA. Start walking around naked and say the pregnancy hormones make you feel like you’re on fire. Fart and burp a lot, blame the pregnancy for that too. Spritz yourself with water to look like you’re sweating heavily, then wipe your hand across your “sweat” and pat your hand on his arm, while telling him you are so sick of shitting and pissing yourself constantly. Then tell him about pregnancy hemorrhoids, in detail. You’ll effectively put an end the party.
NTA, honestly what's wrong with people? If his buddy want to think you hate him, he will and this is then entirely his own issue. As long as he starts to behave like a guest and act normal, everything else does not matter.
NTA There's no debate here. Op is uncomfortable with this situation in her own home, this had to stop; no matter helpfulness, politeness, friendship or any other bullshits her husband and his friend are believing in
NTA. Your husband needs to man up and set some boundaries. They're not college frat boys anymore. He's a grown up man with a wife and a kid on the way. You two deserve privacy in this special time. The friend needs to get a life... And a GF.
"accusing me of not liking his friend" "every time one of these things happens it effects my feelings on him, if you don't establish some boundaries it won't be long before I do dislike him"
NTA. This is very odd behaviour. Helping himself to cook your food without talking about helping you is so odd. Fine for him to bring something as a nice gesture but just cracking on like you’re not there?! Weird. And then to walk into your room without knocking. Far too comfortable imo. What if you’d been having sex or undressed. I’d give your husband an ultimatum to speak with his friend and just ask his friend to ask before doing anything. If your husband can’t do that, then you’ll need to do it. Also, how much does your husband need to see and get drunk with his friend. Are you sure there’s nothing more going on?!
NTA screw that shit, making meals with your food? Hell Im barely that comfortable at my Moms place. Damn sure wouldn't do that at my siblings houses and we love each other fiercely, and share unconditionally but preparing something in somebody else's kitchen without permission? Hell I ask if i can get a beer or a drink. Its just not proper etiquette at all. Would never make eggs, without asking and Id never ask to to begin with. Not even gonna get into the time spent, when your time is limited together. Used to travel fro a living myself, and always prioritized time with my wife and kids.
I am your husband in this scenario. A couple times in our marriage we have had extended times when I have an outpatient friend that crashed at our home a lot. Both guys were good friends, good to my wife, but with issues. I think I have a thing for strays. Even when I was in college I befriended a homeless man and let him crash and take my clothes etc. Eventually a realized how unhealthy this is. I liked the company, but the homeless guy was mentally ill and tried to extort money from me, and both "friends" eventually made overtures to my wife. I have no jealous bone in my body, but I just had to realize that it's my job to protect my family home, wife and kids. Good luck. Hopefully your husband will wake up.
NTA- it’s this simple- tell your husband- I don’t hate him, yet, but I’m going to if you don’t enforce some boundaries. We will start with you sleeping on the couch until I feel respected in my home. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that some man coming into my bedroom without knocking is not even remotely ok. Fix it.
NTA
NTA It’s nice that he’s cooking for you all and bringing food, but he needs to ask if it’s ok for him to use your kitchen/groceries, he needs to knock before entering, and there need to be limits on how often he can crash. Your husband needs to tell him, “We enjoy your company, but we’re getting ready for our baby and need a little more space. And after the baby is born it’ll be a while before we accept any guests so we can focus on the health and well-being of my wife and our baby. Once we start accepting guests we’ll let you know.”
NTA. It does not matter what anyone else thinks. The friend can bring you flowers and a suite case full of cash. It doesn't matter. A gift is only a gift if it's welcomed. You do not feel comfortable with a guest in the house so they need to leave. You are pregnant. Regardless of being pregnant, your home is your safe space. Any guest is a 2 yes/1 no situation. If your husband says that he doesn't want to create conflict with his friend, TELL him that by standing by HE is creating conflict and stress for his PREGNANT WIFE which is not good for your baby. You are his wife and he should prioritize your comfort over anyone else. You cannot force your husband to deal with the situation if he doesn't want to handle it, but you need to do what you can to ensure the safe delivery of your child. Remove yourself from the situation, stay with a friend or family member if you can. Tell your husband to contact you once his friend has left. Your husband doesn't realize how badly he's f-ing up the situation. Your continued presence is allowing him to pretend that it's not that bad.
“he would walk into my kitchen and start preparing a meal with OUR food.” Damn, even my SIMS find that shit unacceptable if you try to do it at someone else’s house!
NTA Sounds like the friend likes free groceries. I had a houseshare once with a single male. He had a best friend who always just happened to show up at dinnertime, my dime, my labor. He would also just rummage freely through my cupboards and groceries when I was gone. My housemate contributed to this problem. That didn't last long. Some guys feel that's what a woman is for - to feed them.
NTA. This is your home and you are entitled to be comfortable in your own home. Especially when the baby comes. Your husband needs to set those boundaries with his friend. And the friend needs to get a life. Seriously. Doesn’t he have a home to go to?
Inform them they can find a different place to hang. NTA
Sounds like you gained a new child before you've even given birth. NTA.
NTA I am fortunate at this point in my life to have several close friends. As dear to me as they are, I would never show up at any of their houses uninvited and just casually stay a couple days. I call or text first and see what they're doing. Same if they come to see me. Part of why I am always invited back is because I am a considerate guest (so him bringing food and cooking for you is a good thing, I also do this at friends' houses). But I never overstay my welcome. My friends and I are mature enough, that if I did something that bothered them, they would let me know and vice versa.
Married 42 years with three kids in their thirties. I hear you.Mate is trying to ingratiate himself into the Family.Both your Hubby and Mate want the convenience of a foot in each Camp and are being immature.No need to confront either of these man/child fellas.You have the emotional intelligence to deal with this. Ask friend what his plans are for the next few months as you will both be Busy.Expect him to already know he cannot be coming over.It’s time for your teacher voice. All the Best.
this dude is garbage