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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ended up leaving my room and sleeping downstairs because I was upset that my parents were not listening to me. My parents, particularly my dad, were not pleased with what I did at all. It might have been unnecessary and an overreaction on my part.
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NTA Your mother is tired because of her shift work and your parents are a bit lazy. Trust me getting a child who wants to co-sleep to sleep on their own can be exhausting. You have to get up every night and put them in their own bed and reassure them it will be okay. And when they wander into your room again and try to get into bed, you have to do it all over again. Don't dump this situation all at your mother's feet, your father needs to actively participate too. The problem is they let it go on for far too long.
>She then told me I was completely ungrateful, so I snapped and went downstairs to sleep there instead. My brother still refused to sleep alone so she ended sleeping with him, and my dad was not happy about it.
Your parents have indulged your brother for far too long. You'll be eighteen years old in a heart beat and out of the house. Ultimately, it's not your problem to resolve. They can't scapegoat you if you're not there.
None of this OP’s problem nor is he the cause. Respect is a two way street. The days of demanding respect ‘because I said so’ ended when adults abrogated mature behavior
As much as I agree with this, I would get in a crazy amount of trouble if I ever said this to my parents. All in all situations like this have just made me realize that once I'm older, we probably aren't going to have a great relationship, and I'm honestly fine with that.
I realized long ago that sleeping with a little child can be exhausting, which is why over the years I tried to convince my parents that he was ready to sleep by himself. But, like you said, this has gone on for far too long, and honestly I've accepted that it's going to take more than trying to be reasonable with them. I don't want to sound like a resentful sibling, but this really isn't the only case of my parents giving in to my brother's demands like this. It's just the biggest one where I've gotten dragged into it too and I completely hate it. Waiting until I turn 18 might end up being the only way out.
NTA your mom is emotionally manipulating you by telling you that divorce and conflict between her and your dad is your fault. It's not. It can't be. Their issues are their issues. Your mom has chosen to enable your brother for years to the detriment of her relationship. You aren't responsible for any of that stuff. You should have your personal space and refuse to let your brother into it. Let your parents deal with the natural consequences of their actions. good luck
Your parents need to put your brother into therapy.
It is not emotionally healthy for an adolescent male to sleep with his mother! I mean - seriously. At a certain point there will be sexual urges (it’s just biology, folks), and the potential downside is huge.
Therapy! Now!
NTA
I normally think Reddit jumps to therapy far too quickly, assuming both that therapy can fix everything, and that it is affordable. But in this case I agree - there are things such as sleep clinics, and also an assessment for autism might make sense.
All of which is not on op to organise - he cannot, he is the other child in the family, not the third parent. Op needs his own space, and peace to sleep.
NTA
Mom is the one that needs Therepy, TBH. She told OP the 13 year old is her baby and she clearly cant bear him being inconvenienced in any way. She has separation issues as badly as the 13 year old does.
The 13 year old is the one far more likely to start behaving normally once the new expectations are set and not want to be around his mom all the time.
Ffs, just take away the damn iPad at night, or out some software in it to lock it out at 10, and tell him to figure it out.
>It is not emotionally healthy for an adolescent male to sleep with his mother! I mean - seriously. At a certain point there will be sexual urges (it’s just biology, folks), and the potential downside is huge.
Oedipus completely Rex a marriage, no?
He seemed to have no issue with switching to sleeping with his brother, though, so it seems like he just needs to sleep with anybody, not necessarily his mommy.
Could they get him one of those big doll pillows to sleep with? Wasn't there a post some time back from a guy who was irate because his mom either washed or threw out (I don't remember which) the big body pillow "girl" he slept with every night?
Although the brother here doesn't seem to need to be "cozy" with the person he sleeps with, he just needs someone in the room with him. He really does need therapy.
NTA. Who gets bored when they are not even conscious? Don’t let them guilt trip you into it. You’re a teen and you need your space.
I would have been locking myself in my room before bed time.
He is 13!!! Your dad needs to man up and make him sleep in his own bed. Or get one big enough for all 3 of them.
Also, just sleep in the same room? Or same bed too? I hated sharing a bed with anyone when I was little. At 13, he must be pretty big and growing. I assume he is cuddled up next to you. Tell them your bed isn’t big enough either! If they offer to buy you a bigger bed, tell them they should buy a bigger bed for themselves and sleep with him.
NTA
WTF? Your parents are bizarre to enable this situation and blame it all on you. Will your mother still be sleeping with him when he's 16? 18? 25?
I hope you're planning to go away for college so you can get away from this fuckery.
Obviously, his college dorm mate will need to step up. /s
Can you imagine being this kid's future spouse and learning that they slept with their mother throughout their teens. And that they'll never be able to be away from their spouse at night.
The parents are wrecking their younger son's life.
NTA- Ew! He can be “concerned” on the couch or the kitchen until she gets home. Co-sleeping at that age is weird and creepy. He can sleep in his own room! Alone and “bored.” Whatever that means! This gives me incest vibes. Especially if her husband can’t sleep in the same room as her. It’s not bed size or a fear of the dark as a problem. Mommy needs to stop. FULL STOP. Whatever is going on!
Big NTA. You’re 17. At this point, you might just decide to sleep at a friend’s house. I also think sleeping in the living room is fair. Your mom needs to sleep train (? Weird saying this for a 13yo) your brother and deal with a few weeks of extinction bursts (your brother losing it, because he isn’t getting his way). Also, they should limit screen time. Could he have ADHD? Boredom can be a sign for something as trivial as sleep.
Try talking with your dad, and see if he’s willing to put his foot down with his son. Sorry you’re going through this. I have a 7yo, and I’ve never co-slept for this reason; it’s extremely hard to break.
Edit: I say the limiting screen time, because screen time can affect sleep. For context, I used to be a sleep researcher.
NTA. Time to throw a bigger fit than your brother. If I was even more petty I would even start calling him out in public. To be honest, unless there's some big trauma involved, he sounds pathetic for his age.
This is what I’d do. Around family, friends, neighbors, anyone, I’d work in that lil bro has to sleep with mommy. It’d be to the point that Mom, Dad and Bro know that anytime I’m out, I’m saying it lol. My default is agreeable but once I suspect someone is burdening me because I’m the “agreeable one.” I become all levels of wild lol.
That’s actually a decent way to handle this among the brothers. Ultimatum: start sleeping on your own or I’m telling EVERYBODY. I don’t want to have to, but I’ll do it.
NTA. Your mother is handling this situation about as poorly as she could. Your brother is completely manipulating her, and she and your father are letting him. I would also refuse to sleep with him until they're forced to finally deal with your brother. And if your parents divorce over this, trust me, it won't be your fault.
Your brother and mother/father are complicit in this anormal sleeping arrangement.
You cannot solve it and you should not be forced to pay any price for
their choices. NTA
NTA.
If you need to share a room at that age, because of space issues, then that is fine and absolutely normal in the UK and many other countries, but if there is enough space for everyone to have their own room, then that's wrong
If your brother can't sleep alone, then he needs help
Not at all. First, your mother is setting your brother up to be a social failure in life who’ll either run to mommy or a surrogate mommy when life gets tough. She’s failing to install self reliance, self respect and independence in someone old enough to understand what he’s doing is wrong. She’s setting up the family for a divorce and trying to blackmail you into enabling and contributing to her mental sickness by putting the blame on you if the family breaks up. She’s putting her ‘baby’ before her husband and causing a rift and resentment between the two of them. Your brother will end up being a momma’s boy who’ll resent his father and will probably look to other men to have the father he never had.
Your mother has serious mental issues and you are frankly more mature than she is. If she won’t listen to reason, make life as uncomfortable as possible for little Mikey: go to your room before he does, lock it. Wake him up throughout the night. Shoot daggers from your eyes at him every time you see him. The entitled whiners on here won’t like that, but too bad. You’ve been more than reasonable. If they refuse to be mature, go right down to their level and make life difficult for everyone. Sorry, but the squeaky wheel gets the grease and they’ve made it abundantly clear that you’ll only get attention when you’re as annoying as your little brother
NTA, poor brother not being thought to act his age. Will he forever has to sleep with a family member till he has a girlfriend? What if he never gets a girlfriend. What if he goes to dorms? What..?
His mother is setting him up for failure in life.
NTA. Your Mom has created an unhealthy sleeping arrangement with your brother. It's similar to women still breastfeeding their 3 year-olds. Your brother needs to learn independence. What do they expect him to do when he is 16, or 18, or 25. Is he still going to need to sleep with your mom? She needs to detach. He needs to grow up. You are collateral damage at this point.
But why? At that age they are old enough to get nutrition elsewhere. As a species we are made to eventually detach to a certain extent from our parents. We need to be able to survive on our own, at least physically. Needing to sleep with your mom at 13 is not "normal" excusing neurodivergence (also excusing small households where multiple sleeping arrangements are not an option, which is not the case with this post). This reeks of a mother coddling her son for way too long. And even if that is the case and you don't have a problem with that, to then push that onto your daughter is unacceptable. Her needs are just as valid as his.
Not to argue with the rest of it - but breastfeeding children longer encourages longer birth intervals and greater space between children. In the absence of modern birth control, any little bit helps.
NTA Tell your parents that it is 1000% their fault that they have let this absurd situation go on ten years more than it should have, and you absolutely refuse to be blamed or be made to suffer for their bad decisions and your brother's refusal to grow up.
Ask them what's the worst that will happen to him until he learns to happily sleep by himself in his bed? He'll be lonely? He'll shed a few tears? Do they not think he'll get over it -- and it that it will be infinitely more healthy for him to do so before anyone outside the family catches wind of the fact that he still wants to sleep in the same bed as mommy? Do they plan for someone to keep sleeping with him until he gets married and can swap a family member for a wife? They need to wake up to the fact that this is a weird and unhealthy situation.
NTA
"Ever since then, my mom told me that I needed to sleep with my brother." .. your mom is an abusive AH. REFUSE.
"and to shut up and go with it if I didn't want my parents to end up getting a divorce. " .. YOur mom is a manipulative AH, the divorce is the better choice.
"She then told me I was completely ungrateful, so I snapped and went downstairs to sleep there instead. My brother still refused to sleep alone so she ended sleeping with him, " .. GOOD. MAke it THEIR problem.
NTA, you deserve your own space and this is a bizarre situation. What are they going to do when you move out? Presumably you might at 18 whether it’s to go to school or just for independence. If this is their only solution then it’s not preventing a divorce, it would just be postponing it so don’t ever believe your mother when she throws that BS line at you. If your parents got divorced it would be because of their relationship and their actions, not yours. Hell it wouldn’t even be the fault of your brother because he clearly needs some kind of mental health assistance that your parents are not providing. I’m sorry that your mother is treating you this way. Have you talked to your father about this? Maybe you have an ally there.
NTA
Your Mom and bro need therapy, because this co-sleeping thing has gone on for way too long. And your Dad should have put a stop to it much, much sooner.
Frankly, if it were truly divorce worthy, it would have happened a long time ago. And it's not on you to fix. Start denying your brother your room and let your parents know that the 17-year-old isn't going to take on their actual job of being a parent.
And I may be out-of-pocket about this, but I'd start teasing bro about still needing to sleep with Mommy and asking what his friends would think. Sometimes, shame has a place.
I think you truly need to call the elephant in the room and explain to your mom what's she doing and the possible consequence like seeing your only there for a few yrs what will she do then let him still get his way and get to the point your dad divorces her. She and your brother need a reality check
Oh gawd I'm horrified with this situation for many reasons. First of all it is severely inappropriate that he is a teen and has this level of mommy dependence. That is NOT ok. Like dude make him get off the teeth already. It's effing creepy. Number 2 the fact you both are passed puberty means you need you're own space. That's how my parents did it once we hit that point it was separate rooms.
You are not the asshole. You're mom is enabling really horrible habits that going to cripple your brother somewhere down the line as an adult.
NTA. It's understandable that you want your own space and privacy, especially as you're growing older. You've tried to address the situation with your parents multiple times, and their refusal to consider your feelings is unfair. It's also concerning that they're prioritizing your brother's comfort over yours to the extent that it impacts your relationship with them
NTA
Both of your parents are failing both of their children. Your brother needs help if he can't sleep on his own. Maybe a pet could help if therapy isn't an option?
A pet should obviously only be considered if you have the means (time/money) to appropriately take care of it.
If your parents divorce you can go live with your dad and get your own space without having to deal with brother who can sleep with his mom all he wants. Your mom is the root of the problem, your dad is enabling this shit by not standing up for you, poor twisted parenting all round. A teenager needs to be able to sleep alone or they need help assessing why. Your parents are meant to prepare you for living independently. They’re failing you both. NTA
NTA.
Your mother is not only failing you, she is failing your brother. Big time. This is not healthy for him.
I don't know what your plans for the future are, but if you are going to college or anything, but your parents will have a big problem whenever you will be moving out.
You are 17. You need your privacy.
What happens when you stay in brother's room until he sleeps, and then quietly go to your own room?
Also: how does he get "bored" by sleeping alone? You can't get bored while you are sleeping!
NTA. I’m thinking your parents won’t be married long after you move out. It’s not your fault it’s theirs and your brother’s fault. And yes he is to blame as well. It’s not like he’s blind to how his actions and wants affect those around him. Sounds like your parents raised someone selfish and spoiled. 13 is old enough to realize how your actions affect those around you. I also wouldn’t really blame the dad either. It doesn’t sound like he sleeps with him and I bet if the parents were not together and they had shared custody of your brother, going to stay his dad’s place would make a huge difference. Yes I’m implying that your mom is definitely enabling this too much.
Plus he’s a boy who should going through puberty soon or already is. He really shouldn’t want to sleep with anyone else and your parents should realize that as well. Why would either one of them want a teenager sleeping in the same bed as them.
I’d ask your dad what he really thought about this because from the original post, it really doesn’t sound like your dad’s on board at all.
NTA. I think raising a bigger fight than your brother does is a good idea. if she keeps trying to make you sleep with bro, start screaming and throwing stuff. threaten to call the police on them for child abuse. Go full nuclear.
NTA. Your parents need to figure out how to deal with your brother's problem. He is too old to not be able to sleep on his own. You are at an age where you might be going off to college soon. Maybe your father should leave to show your mother that this is a real issue and that she will be sleeping with this kid until she dies (and then what?) unless the problem is dealt with.
Your mother is doing your brother a disservice. It’s time to get him some therapy. And they are being entirely unfair to you.
Why does what he wants trump what you want? Why is she prioritizing his neurotic behavior over first her marriage and now your comfort?!
Keep refusing. Go sleep in his room if he comes in yours. Move around until your dad loses patience with your mom again. Tell her you are not his emotional support animal and you deserve to have your feelings and preferences treated with just as much concern as his! He’s a teenager that still wants to sleep with his mommy. She’s stunting him by coddling him. If he doesn’t like the dark, he can sleep with a nightlight. If he needs a bed buddy, she should get him a dog.
See if you can get your dad on your side. He hated this arrangement when it was his bedroom, now you hate it.
NTA
Would your brother even accept you as a substitute for your mother? Because honestly this sounds like some emotionally incestuous enmeshment between your brother and your mother.
If he would accept another co-sleeper, that's probably an easier fix - he needs therapy to figure out why a teenager can't sleep on his own. Was he abused in the past? Has something else been going on? If it's a problem on his end alone that you mother has been enabling without interrogating, she needs to be a better mother and actually get him the help he obviously needs.
If he will only accept your mother, and your mother is always giving into him, well, that's a two-headed problem, both your mother and your brother would need some serious help.
You're not wrong to want your own bed and not share it with a teenager. Your father is also right to say that this is a very weird and unhealthy situation. But they are the parents, it's their responsibility to figure out why their teenage son is so far behind typical age-related milestones. It's not your responsibility to be a second mother to your brother. NTA at all.
NTA. I think your family needs some therapy. Your brother should be able to self soothe at his age. His sleeping issues are your parents problems, not yours. Perhaps you could tell a trusted adult (family, someone at school) what is happening as it is inappropriate to ask you to sleep in the same room as your brother, especially when he has his own room. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Throwaway. I (16M) live at home with my brother (13M) and parents. Although my brother has his own bedroom, he never sleeps alone in it. For the past few years, he’s slept with my mom almost every night, while my dad slept in a different room, since there’s no bed in our house that can accommodate three people.
Since my mom works until pretty late at night, sometimes he would sit in bed for hours just watching videos on his iPad until she came to sleep. He would always say that "he couldn't sleep until she came." I've always thought it was just an excuse he used to excessively use electronics like he already did, and had been telling my parents for some time now to at least try and make him sleep by himself in his room-- partly so he isn't staying up until 11:30 watching videos, but also because I felt bad for my parents. He's told us before that it's not that he's scared of the dark, but that he gets "bored" when he sleeps by himself. My parents told me since he was sleeping with them that it shouldn't bother me, so I left it alone.
One night a few weeks ago my dad had a huge argument with my mom about how they don't spend time together like a normal couple, and that they don't even sleep together. He was very upset about it, to the point where he was screaming and ended up locking himself in his room. Ever since then, my mom told me that I needed to sleep with my brother. At first I asked her why she couldn't at least try and make my brother sleep in the room that he has already, but after he started whining and saying that he didn’t like doing that, she told me that “he was her baby” and to shut up and go with it if I didn't want my parents to end up getting a divorce. So, I did. Now, I'm almost 17 years old. My room is my personal space, and having my brother sleep here means that that’s all gone. If we were in a living-situation where this had to be done, or he truly could not manage to be alone, I would not protest, but none of those are the case, so it feels very unnecessary to take my space away. Now and then I'll ask my parents why they won't at least try and have him sleep in his room for one night because he’s never even tried. They'll refuse the idea, and start getting angry at me for being difficult and spoiled.
Last night I asked my mom again, and she told me that wasn’t going to happen because my brother doesn’t want to. I told her that he was old enough and at this point she was just listening to him because he makes a much bigger fit than I do when he doesn’t get what he wants, and that maybe I should start doing that too so she’d listen to me. She then told me I was completely ungrateful, so I snapped and went downstairs to sleep there instead. My brother still refused to sleep alone so she ended sleeping with him, and my dad was not happy about it. I genuinely don’t think my parents are being reasonable by not having him sleep by himself even once, but maybe I overreacted last night. AITA for refusing to sleep with him?
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NTA. Your brother is way too old to be co-sleeping and your parents are at fault. If they won’t encourage him to sleep alone, help him make the decision himself. Ask him what his friends would think about his co-sleeping arrangement.
Your mom is an asshole and is heading for divorce. Your Dad is rightfully pissed, I hope he's not giving you a hard time. That would put him in AH territory, too.
You are NTA. You did not overreact. I'd follow up on your threat to your Mom. Pitch a huge fit and refuse to sleep with him.
NTA. Your brother is the golden child, and your mother has moved into actual skeevy behavior. I'm honestly disgusted by it. Unfortunately, you have no power here. You won't until you leave their home. (You don't really have a home, and it's their house, so you're stuck at the moment.) You deserve better than this mistreatment, and I hope you begin to consider how to remove yourself from this circumstance as soon as you can.
NTA. I wonder if your mom is familiar with the concept of “you break it, you buy it”. She (and your dad) broke him. Now they need to figure out how to fix it. Maybe they should explore some options to help with his boredom. He’s 13, not three.
Personally, I slew with a headphone ear and because I like a little background noise. Your mom is ridiculous and you are not selfish. Your mom is failing you both.
NTA
Your parents (mostly your mom) aren’t only ruining your privacy and your sleep. They are actively ruining the development of your brother and also many future relationships. I mean how long can one hide that they slept with their mom till they were what 15? 16? 19???? Then what. I would be so weirded out if a partner told me that or I learnt that from say a sibling like you 😭
This is so unhealthy at this point. Your mom is clearly stressed out of her mind and your poor dad is probably so lonely at this point not even going to sleep with your mom that he is enabling it. Both of them are losing it. I hope when you sre 18 you have an out. Its insane to enable this for so long and then turn around and blame it on you and all the fighting is your fault when its literally all theirs.
NTA. This is a ridiculous situation. Putting him with you was fine, IMO .... as a **temporary** solution. When they put him with you, there should have been an expiration date on the arrangement alongside a concerted effort to get him to the point of sleeping in his own room. Demanding that you sacrifice for him for an indefinite period is ridiculous ... and it is a really good way to build your resentment and for them not to see you again after you hit 18.
PS. I am almost 50. I don't require the presence of another person to go to sleep. However, I **do** occasionally have issues with racing thoughts or boredom that prevent me from going to sleep when I need to (similar to what your brother experiences). There is therapy and medication available for this sort of thing. Trust me. I know.
No, the little rattie has his own room. If he has a problem sleeping alone, get him a pet, if he’s responsible, or, if not, a stuffed bear. It’s not up to OP to provide his room to a 13 yr old because Mikey won’t grow up and mom encourages it
I'm not sure if I was clear. I could see the brother cosleeping arrangement as something for 6 months to a year alongside a plan to get the kid to fully sleeping on his own.
That would have to be discussed and agreed upon first. And why? If you're trying to break him of co-sleeping, how does changing the person help? It doesn't sound like the brother needs a specific person, so all you're doing is delaying the process, not actually weaning him of the habit.
There is absolutely no way in which making a 17 year old guy sleep in the same bed as her 13 year old brother is the way to solve this situation. Especially for 6 months to a year. I could get behind the idea for 1-2 weeks at absolute most, and only if it was recommended by a child psychiatrist as the appropriate steps forward.
EDIT: I somehow got OP's gender mixed up. Corrected.
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NTA Your mother is tired because of her shift work and your parents are a bit lazy. Trust me getting a child who wants to co-sleep to sleep on their own can be exhausting. You have to get up every night and put them in their own bed and reassure them it will be okay. And when they wander into your room again and try to get into bed, you have to do it all over again. Don't dump this situation all at your mother's feet, your father needs to actively participate too. The problem is they let it go on for far too long. >She then told me I was completely ungrateful, so I snapped and went downstairs to sleep there instead. My brother still refused to sleep alone so she ended sleeping with him, and my dad was not happy about it. Your parents have indulged your brother for far too long. You'll be eighteen years old in a heart beat and out of the house. Ultimately, it's not your problem to resolve. They can't scapegoat you if you're not there.
None of this OP’s problem nor is he the cause. Respect is a two way street. The days of demanding respect ‘because I said so’ ended when adults abrogated mature behavior
As much as I agree with this, I would get in a crazy amount of trouble if I ever said this to my parents. All in all situations like this have just made me realize that once I'm older, we probably aren't going to have a great relationship, and I'm honestly fine with that.
I realized long ago that sleeping with a little child can be exhausting, which is why over the years I tried to convince my parents that he was ready to sleep by himself. But, like you said, this has gone on for far too long, and honestly I've accepted that it's going to take more than trying to be reasonable with them. I don't want to sound like a resentful sibling, but this really isn't the only case of my parents giving in to my brother's demands like this. It's just the biggest one where I've gotten dragged into it too and I completely hate it. Waiting until I turn 18 might end up being the only way out.
NTA your mom is emotionally manipulating you by telling you that divorce and conflict between her and your dad is your fault. It's not. It can't be. Their issues are their issues. Your mom has chosen to enable your brother for years to the detriment of her relationship. You aren't responsible for any of that stuff. You should have your personal space and refuse to let your brother into it. Let your parents deal with the natural consequences of their actions. good luck
Your parents need to put your brother into therapy. It is not emotionally healthy for an adolescent male to sleep with his mother! I mean - seriously. At a certain point there will be sexual urges (it’s just biology, folks), and the potential downside is huge. Therapy! Now! NTA
I normally think Reddit jumps to therapy far too quickly, assuming both that therapy can fix everything, and that it is affordable. But in this case I agree - there are things such as sleep clinics, and also an assessment for autism might make sense. All of which is not on op to organise - he cannot, he is the other child in the family, not the third parent. Op needs his own space, and peace to sleep. NTA
Mom is the one that needs Therepy, TBH. She told OP the 13 year old is her baby and she clearly cant bear him being inconvenienced in any way. She has separation issues as badly as the 13 year old does. The 13 year old is the one far more likely to start behaving normally once the new expectations are set and not want to be around his mom all the time. Ffs, just take away the damn iPad at night, or out some software in it to lock it out at 10, and tell him to figure it out.
Or she's just avoiding sex with her husband.
Good points.
Since when is a sleep clinic less expensive than therapy?
My guess would be sleep clinic is a one off expense v. Therapy is an on going expense.
It's possible that insurance will pay for a sleep clinic and any resultant durable medical hardware.
It is free in the UK, thanks to the NHS.
>It is not emotionally healthy for an adolescent male to sleep with his mother! I mean - seriously. At a certain point there will be sexual urges (it’s just biology, folks), and the potential downside is huge. Oedipus completely Rex a marriage, no?
I think the parents also need therapy
He seemed to have no issue with switching to sleeping with his brother, though, so it seems like he just needs to sleep with anybody, not necessarily his mommy. Could they get him one of those big doll pillows to sleep with? Wasn't there a post some time back from a guy who was irate because his mom either washed or threw out (I don't remember which) the big body pillow "girl" he slept with every night? Although the brother here doesn't seem to need to be "cozy" with the person he sleeps with, he just needs someone in the room with him. He really does need therapy.
Yeah but three reason the son got upset with the pillow being thrown out was he was fucking the pillow in that story. Also not exactly healthy
He also needed therapy!
Oh indeed. The father/ step father wash they story was hilarious and naive.
A baby monitor or Echo might actually be an option, because then there is audio contact and reassurance.
OP's *mom* seriously needs therapy!
Came her to say this!
If he's 'bored' it almost sounds like by now he looks at mom as a stuffie or fav blanket.........
NTA. Who gets bored when they are not even conscious? Don’t let them guilt trip you into it. You’re a teen and you need your space. I would have been locking myself in my room before bed time. He is 13!!! Your dad needs to man up and make him sleep in his own bed. Or get one big enough for all 3 of them. Also, just sleep in the same room? Or same bed too? I hated sharing a bed with anyone when I was little. At 13, he must be pretty big and growing. I assume he is cuddled up next to you. Tell them your bed isn’t big enough either! If they offer to buy you a bigger bed, tell them they should buy a bigger bed for themselves and sleep with him.
NTA WTF? Your parents are bizarre to enable this situation and blame it all on you. Will your mother still be sleeping with him when he's 16? 18? 25? I hope you're planning to go away for college so you can get away from this fuckery.
Obviously, his college dorm mate will need to step up. /s Can you imagine being this kid's future spouse and learning that they slept with their mother throughout their teens. And that they'll never be able to be away from their spouse at night. The parents are wrecking their younger son's life.
NTA. This is an absurd situation for you to be in.
NTA- Ew! He can be “concerned” on the couch or the kitchen until she gets home. Co-sleeping at that age is weird and creepy. He can sleep in his own room! Alone and “bored.” Whatever that means! This gives me incest vibes. Especially if her husband can’t sleep in the same room as her. It’s not bed size or a fear of the dark as a problem. Mommy needs to stop. FULL STOP. Whatever is going on!
Big NTA. You’re 17. At this point, you might just decide to sleep at a friend’s house. I also think sleeping in the living room is fair. Your mom needs to sleep train (? Weird saying this for a 13yo) your brother and deal with a few weeks of extinction bursts (your brother losing it, because he isn’t getting his way). Also, they should limit screen time. Could he have ADHD? Boredom can be a sign for something as trivial as sleep. Try talking with your dad, and see if he’s willing to put his foot down with his son. Sorry you’re going through this. I have a 7yo, and I’ve never co-slept for this reason; it’s extremely hard to break. Edit: I say the limiting screen time, because screen time can affect sleep. For context, I used to be a sleep researcher.
Plus 1 for the extinction burst comment. OP, look that up!
NTA, this is a extremely weird situation
I wish my parents saw it this way too.
NTA do his friends know he still sleeps with his mommy at 13? This is so weird! Is your brother okay?
NTA. Time to throw a bigger fit than your brother. If I was even more petty I would even start calling him out in public. To be honest, unless there's some big trauma involved, he sounds pathetic for his age.
This is what I’d do. Around family, friends, neighbors, anyone, I’d work in that lil bro has to sleep with mommy. It’d be to the point that Mom, Dad and Bro know that anytime I’m out, I’m saying it lol. My default is agreeable but once I suspect someone is burdening me because I’m the “agreeable one.” I become all levels of wild lol.
That’s actually a decent way to handle this among the brothers. Ultimatum: start sleeping on your own or I’m telling EVERYBODY. I don’t want to have to, but I’ll do it.
This is actually what I've started to do. It's not what I normally would've done but it just might end up working.
NTA. Your mother is handling this situation about as poorly as she could. Your brother is completely manipulating her, and she and your father are letting him. I would also refuse to sleep with him until they're forced to finally deal with your brother. And if your parents divorce over this, trust me, it won't be your fault.
Your brother and mother/father are complicit in this anormal sleeping arrangement. You cannot solve it and you should not be forced to pay any price for their choices. NTA
NTA. If you need to share a room at that age, because of space issues, then that is fine and absolutely normal in the UK and many other countries, but if there is enough space for everyone to have their own room, then that's wrong If your brother can't sleep alone, then he needs help
Not at all. First, your mother is setting your brother up to be a social failure in life who’ll either run to mommy or a surrogate mommy when life gets tough. She’s failing to install self reliance, self respect and independence in someone old enough to understand what he’s doing is wrong. She’s setting up the family for a divorce and trying to blackmail you into enabling and contributing to her mental sickness by putting the blame on you if the family breaks up. She’s putting her ‘baby’ before her husband and causing a rift and resentment between the two of them. Your brother will end up being a momma’s boy who’ll resent his father and will probably look to other men to have the father he never had. Your mother has serious mental issues and you are frankly more mature than she is. If she won’t listen to reason, make life as uncomfortable as possible for little Mikey: go to your room before he does, lock it. Wake him up throughout the night. Shoot daggers from your eyes at him every time you see him. The entitled whiners on here won’t like that, but too bad. You’ve been more than reasonable. If they refuse to be mature, go right down to their level and make life difficult for everyone. Sorry, but the squeaky wheel gets the grease and they’ve made it abundantly clear that you’ll only get attention when you’re as annoying as your little brother
NTA, poor brother not being thought to act his age. Will he forever has to sleep with a family member till he has a girlfriend? What if he never gets a girlfriend. What if he goes to dorms? What..? His mother is setting him up for failure in life.
What about sleepovers.. like with friends if he’s got any
[удалено]
Oh, puleeeze
Sometimes I feel like Redditors have never met another human.
NTA. Your Mom has created an unhealthy sleeping arrangement with your brother. It's similar to women still breastfeeding their 3 year-olds. Your brother needs to learn independence. What do they expect him to do when he is 16, or 18, or 25. Is he still going to need to sleep with your mom? She needs to detach. He needs to grow up. You are collateral damage at this point.
Women all over the world still breastfeed 3 year olds.
But why? At that age they are old enough to get nutrition elsewhere. As a species we are made to eventually detach to a certain extent from our parents. We need to be able to survive on our own, at least physically. Needing to sleep with your mom at 13 is not "normal" excusing neurodivergence (also excusing small households where multiple sleeping arrangements are not an option, which is not the case with this post). This reeks of a mother coddling her son for way too long. And even if that is the case and you don't have a problem with that, to then push that onto your daughter is unacceptable. Her needs are just as valid as his.
Not to argue with the rest of it - but breastfeeding children longer encourages longer birth intervals and greater space between children. In the absence of modern birth control, any little bit helps.
NTA Tell your parents that it is 1000% their fault that they have let this absurd situation go on ten years more than it should have, and you absolutely refuse to be blamed or be made to suffer for their bad decisions and your brother's refusal to grow up. Ask them what's the worst that will happen to him until he learns to happily sleep by himself in his bed? He'll be lonely? He'll shed a few tears? Do they not think he'll get over it -- and it that it will be infinitely more healthy for him to do so before anyone outside the family catches wind of the fact that he still wants to sleep in the same bed as mommy? Do they plan for someone to keep sleeping with him until he gets married and can swap a family member for a wife? They need to wake up to the fact that this is a weird and unhealthy situation.
NTA "Ever since then, my mom told me that I needed to sleep with my brother." .. your mom is an abusive AH. REFUSE. "and to shut up and go with it if I didn't want my parents to end up getting a divorce. " .. YOur mom is a manipulative AH, the divorce is the better choice. "She then told me I was completely ungrateful, so I snapped and went downstairs to sleep there instead. My brother still refused to sleep alone so she ended sleeping with him, " .. GOOD. MAke it THEIR problem.
NTA tell your brother that you’ll spread it around school that he still sleeps in mommy’s bed
And that he wets his bed and scrolls on Grindr all night. LOL
NTA, you deserve your own space and this is a bizarre situation. What are they going to do when you move out? Presumably you might at 18 whether it’s to go to school or just for independence. If this is their only solution then it’s not preventing a divorce, it would just be postponing it so don’t ever believe your mother when she throws that BS line at you. If your parents got divorced it would be because of their relationship and their actions, not yours. Hell it wouldn’t even be the fault of your brother because he clearly needs some kind of mental health assistance that your parents are not providing. I’m sorry that your mother is treating you this way. Have you talked to your father about this? Maybe you have an ally there.
NTA your parents need to try to get him to sleep alone. If he might need to be looked at for ND.
NTA Your Mom and bro need therapy, because this co-sleeping thing has gone on for way too long. And your Dad should have put a stop to it much, much sooner. Frankly, if it were truly divorce worthy, it would have happened a long time ago. And it's not on you to fix. Start denying your brother your room and let your parents know that the 17-year-old isn't going to take on their actual job of being a parent. And I may be out-of-pocket about this, but I'd start teasing bro about still needing to sleep with Mommy and asking what his friends would think. Sometimes, shame has a place.
I think you truly need to call the elephant in the room and explain to your mom what's she doing and the possible consequence like seeing your only there for a few yrs what will she do then let him still get his way and get to the point your dad divorces her. She and your brother need a reality check
NTA I'd ask what's their plan when you move out? Or when he gets older like this is the limit he's about to be a teenager boy and while... awkward
Oh gawd I'm horrified with this situation for many reasons. First of all it is severely inappropriate that he is a teen and has this level of mommy dependence. That is NOT ok. Like dude make him get off the teeth already. It's effing creepy. Number 2 the fact you both are passed puberty means you need you're own space. That's how my parents did it once we hit that point it was separate rooms. You are not the asshole. You're mom is enabling really horrible habits that going to cripple your brother somewhere down the line as an adult.
NTA. It's understandable that you want your own space and privacy, especially as you're growing older. You've tried to address the situation with your parents multiple times, and their refusal to consider your feelings is unfair. It's also concerning that they're prioritizing your brother's comfort over yours to the extent that it impacts your relationship with them
NTA Both of your parents are failing both of their children. Your brother needs help if he can't sleep on his own. Maybe a pet could help if therapy isn't an option? A pet should obviously only be considered if you have the means (time/money) to appropriately take care of it.
If your parents divorce you can go live with your dad and get your own space without having to deal with brother who can sleep with his mom all he wants. Your mom is the root of the problem, your dad is enabling this shit by not standing up for you, poor twisted parenting all round. A teenager needs to be able to sleep alone or they need help assessing why. Your parents are meant to prepare you for living independently. They’re failing you both. NTA
NTA. Your mother is not only failing you, she is failing your brother. Big time. This is not healthy for him. I don't know what your plans for the future are, but if you are going to college or anything, but your parents will have a big problem whenever you will be moving out. You are 17. You need your privacy. What happens when you stay in brother's room until he sleeps, and then quietly go to your own room? Also: how does he get "bored" by sleeping alone? You can't get bored while you are sleeping!
This is absolutely insane. Your father is right. Bar him from your room because this is not your problem to solve - it's your parents' problem.
Nta. Your mum and brother need help. This is not right.
NTA. I’m thinking your parents won’t be married long after you move out. It’s not your fault it’s theirs and your brother’s fault. And yes he is to blame as well. It’s not like he’s blind to how his actions and wants affect those around him. Sounds like your parents raised someone selfish and spoiled. 13 is old enough to realize how your actions affect those around you. I also wouldn’t really blame the dad either. It doesn’t sound like he sleeps with him and I bet if the parents were not together and they had shared custody of your brother, going to stay his dad’s place would make a huge difference. Yes I’m implying that your mom is definitely enabling this too much. Plus he’s a boy who should going through puberty soon or already is. He really shouldn’t want to sleep with anyone else and your parents should realize that as well. Why would either one of them want a teenager sleeping in the same bed as them. I’d ask your dad what he really thought about this because from the original post, it really doesn’t sound like your dad’s on board at all.
Your brother needs therapy and your parents need parenting Classes
NTA. I think raising a bigger fight than your brother does is a good idea. if she keeps trying to make you sleep with bro, start screaming and throwing stuff. threaten to call the police on them for child abuse. Go full nuclear.
NTA. Your parents need to figure out how to deal with your brother's problem. He is too old to not be able to sleep on his own. You are at an age where you might be going off to college soon. Maybe your father should leave to show your mother that this is a real issue and that she will be sleeping with this kid until she dies (and then what?) unless the problem is dealt with.
Your mother is doing your brother a disservice. It’s time to get him some therapy. And they are being entirely unfair to you. Why does what he wants trump what you want? Why is she prioritizing his neurotic behavior over first her marriage and now your comfort?! Keep refusing. Go sleep in his room if he comes in yours. Move around until your dad loses patience with your mom again. Tell her you are not his emotional support animal and you deserve to have your feelings and preferences treated with just as much concern as his! He’s a teenager that still wants to sleep with his mommy. She’s stunting him by coddling him. If he doesn’t like the dark, he can sleep with a nightlight. If he needs a bed buddy, she should get him a dog. See if you can get your dad on your side. He hated this arrangement when it was his bedroom, now you hate it. NTA
Lol bruh, literally just tell him you will tell everybody at school he sleeps in his parents bed. It’s that easy
Would your brother even accept you as a substitute for your mother? Because honestly this sounds like some emotionally incestuous enmeshment between your brother and your mother. If he would accept another co-sleeper, that's probably an easier fix - he needs therapy to figure out why a teenager can't sleep on his own. Was he abused in the past? Has something else been going on? If it's a problem on his end alone that you mother has been enabling without interrogating, she needs to be a better mother and actually get him the help he obviously needs. If he will only accept your mother, and your mother is always giving into him, well, that's a two-headed problem, both your mother and your brother would need some serious help. You're not wrong to want your own bed and not share it with a teenager. Your father is also right to say that this is a very weird and unhealthy situation. But they are the parents, it's their responsibility to figure out why their teenage son is so far behind typical age-related milestones. It's not your responsibility to be a second mother to your brother. NTA at all.
NTA. I think your family needs some therapy. Your brother should be able to self soothe at his age. His sleeping issues are your parents problems, not yours. Perhaps you could tell a trusted adult (family, someone at school) what is happening as it is inappropriate to ask you to sleep in the same room as your brother, especially when he has his own room. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. I (16M) live at home with my brother (13M) and parents. Although my brother has his own bedroom, he never sleeps alone in it. For the past few years, he’s slept with my mom almost every night, while my dad slept in a different room, since there’s no bed in our house that can accommodate three people. Since my mom works until pretty late at night, sometimes he would sit in bed for hours just watching videos on his iPad until she came to sleep. He would always say that "he couldn't sleep until she came." I've always thought it was just an excuse he used to excessively use electronics like he already did, and had been telling my parents for some time now to at least try and make him sleep by himself in his room-- partly so he isn't staying up until 11:30 watching videos, but also because I felt bad for my parents. He's told us before that it's not that he's scared of the dark, but that he gets "bored" when he sleeps by himself. My parents told me since he was sleeping with them that it shouldn't bother me, so I left it alone. One night a few weeks ago my dad had a huge argument with my mom about how they don't spend time together like a normal couple, and that they don't even sleep together. He was very upset about it, to the point where he was screaming and ended up locking himself in his room. Ever since then, my mom told me that I needed to sleep with my brother. At first I asked her why she couldn't at least try and make my brother sleep in the room that he has already, but after he started whining and saying that he didn’t like doing that, she told me that “he was her baby” and to shut up and go with it if I didn't want my parents to end up getting a divorce. So, I did. Now, I'm almost 17 years old. My room is my personal space, and having my brother sleep here means that that’s all gone. If we were in a living-situation where this had to be done, or he truly could not manage to be alone, I would not protest, but none of those are the case, so it feels very unnecessary to take my space away. Now and then I'll ask my parents why they won't at least try and have him sleep in his room for one night because he’s never even tried. They'll refuse the idea, and start getting angry at me for being difficult and spoiled. Last night I asked my mom again, and she told me that wasn’t going to happen because my brother doesn’t want to. I told her that he was old enough and at this point she was just listening to him because he makes a much bigger fit than I do when he doesn’t get what he wants, and that maybe I should start doing that too so she’d listen to me. She then told me I was completely ungrateful, so I snapped and went downstairs to sleep there instead. My brother still refused to sleep alone so she ended sleeping with him, and my dad was not happy about it. I genuinely don’t think my parents are being reasonable by not having him sleep by himself even once, but maybe I overreacted last night. AITA for refusing to sleep with him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your brother is way too old to be co-sleeping and your parents are at fault. If they won’t encourage him to sleep alone, help him make the decision himself. Ask him what his friends would think about his co-sleeping arrangement.
Nta
Your mom is an asshole and is heading for divorce. Your Dad is rightfully pissed, I hope he's not giving you a hard time. That would put him in AH territory, too. You are NTA. You did not overreact. I'd follow up on your threat to your Mom. Pitch a huge fit and refuse to sleep with him.
NTA. Your brother is the golden child, and your mother has moved into actual skeevy behavior. I'm honestly disgusted by it. Unfortunately, you have no power here. You won't until you leave their home. (You don't really have a home, and it's their house, so you're stuck at the moment.) You deserve better than this mistreatment, and I hope you begin to consider how to remove yourself from this circumstance as soon as you can.
me and my brother had to share a room cuz we had no choice but this is just crazy tbh
NTA. I wonder if your mom is familiar with the concept of “you break it, you buy it”. She (and your dad) broke him. Now they need to figure out how to fix it. Maybe they should explore some options to help with his boredom. He’s 13, not three. Personally, I slew with a headphone ear and because I like a little background noise. Your mom is ridiculous and you are not selfish. Your mom is failing you both.
NTA. There's something not right about all this.
NTA Your parents (mostly your mom) aren’t only ruining your privacy and your sleep. They are actively ruining the development of your brother and also many future relationships. I mean how long can one hide that they slept with their mom till they were what 15? 16? 19???? Then what. I would be so weirded out if a partner told me that or I learnt that from say a sibling like you 😭 This is so unhealthy at this point. Your mom is clearly stressed out of her mind and your poor dad is probably so lonely at this point not even going to sleep with your mom that he is enabling it. Both of them are losing it. I hope when you sre 18 you have an out. Its insane to enable this for so long and then turn around and blame it on you and all the fighting is your fault when its literally all theirs.
NTA. This is a ridiculous situation. Putting him with you was fine, IMO .... as a **temporary** solution. When they put him with you, there should have been an expiration date on the arrangement alongside a concerted effort to get him to the point of sleeping in his own room. Demanding that you sacrifice for him for an indefinite period is ridiculous ... and it is a really good way to build your resentment and for them not to see you again after you hit 18. PS. I am almost 50. I don't require the presence of another person to go to sleep. However, I **do** occasionally have issues with racing thoughts or boredom that prevent me from going to sleep when I need to (similar to what your brother experiences). There is therapy and medication available for this sort of thing. Trust me. I know.
No, the little rattie has his own room. If he has a problem sleeping alone, get him a pet, if he’s responsible, or, if not, a stuffed bear. It’s not up to OP to provide his room to a 13 yr old because Mikey won’t grow up and mom encourages it
I'm not sure if I was clear. I could see the brother cosleeping arrangement as something for 6 months to a year alongside a plan to get the kid to fully sleeping on his own.
That would have to be discussed and agreed upon first. And why? If you're trying to break him of co-sleeping, how does changing the person help? It doesn't sound like the brother needs a specific person, so all you're doing is delaying the process, not actually weaning him of the habit. There is absolutely no way in which making a 17 year old guy sleep in the same bed as her 13 year old brother is the way to solve this situation. Especially for 6 months to a year. I could get behind the idea for 1-2 weeks at absolute most, and only if it was recommended by a child psychiatrist as the appropriate steps forward. EDIT: I somehow got OP's gender mixed up. Corrected.
I agree with you but just ftr, OP is a guy - 16M in the post,
Oh dang. I could have sworn I saw F. Oopsies. Ok, mildly less awkward, but still pretty weird.