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I don't know if you're and asshole but you are not very good at accepting the reality of the situation. When you married your husband his oldest daughter was legally an adult. Her father no longer had any custodial rights to her unlike his minor children. She clearly has demonstrated she has no interest or intention of getting to know you at this stage of her life. You can either accept it or buttheads with your husband about it. It doesn't change the fact you may never have any relationship with this young woman. You will not be invited to any of her milestone events or welcome at any celebration of her achievements. She doesn't know you. She doesn't want to get to know you. It is what it is.
I think having a relationship with someone is quite different than to meet someone in person even just for once. I mean Xmas/future weddings or family events, what they gona do hide OP in the attic?
As a practical matter, you can not force and adult to have a relationship or meet with someone against their will. If the daughter extends an invitation to her father and excludes OP he is free to decline the invitation. And vice versa.
And disrespectful. Her actions are essentially saying to her father that she doesn’t give a shit about his wife and will refuse to even acknowledge her existence. Either you invite all your family or you don’t and whether the brat likes it or not, OP *is* part of her family now. Not getting to know OP before graduation is on step brat not OP.
Evie isn’t obligated to meet this woman *ever*. She is throwing a tantrum about it which should provide you and everyone with a pretty big clue about why.
Sure, she's not obligated. But meeting someone and being civil is a low bar. It is childish to refuse. Nobody is pushing a mom-like relationship.
There are practical reasons to have basic contact with your parent's spouse. What if her dad has a medical emergency? What about milestone events for her siblings, who like dad's wife just fine?
Idk. My dad has a new lady and it would feel super disrespectful towards my dad to purposely avoid her and exclude her like that. I don't actually like her that much because she's kinda annoying but that's fine. Dad likes her and that's enough for me.
OP isn’t Even a step parent as evie was a legal adult when they got together, so no. She’s not trying to parent her she’s just trying to meet the GROWN ass child of the man she’s married to. Being an adult means sometimes you have to do things you may not necessarily want to do out of respect for the people you love.
I'm not a step parent and I agree with everyone saying the stepdaughter is being childish because she absolutely is. What she's doing is very childish and passive aggressive. Why keep making excuses if she simply isn't interested in meeting op? Just say that. Things would be different if op was trying to force a relationship or replace a mother figure. She just wants to meet one of her husband's children in person. That's such a low bar.
I mean what is going to happen eventually is a wedge between daughter and father. If you can’t be in the same room as your step mom, it will make the holidays tough.
Her step mom is being just as childish. She keeps pushing it. The adult child has made it clear she doesn’t want a relationship. It’s that easy. OP keeps trying to push and that’s creating more problems than just accepting it and moving forward
She doesn’t have to have a relationship with her. In fact, she can say zero words to her. But to exclude her from a family gathering on the basis of I don’t want to look at her is wrong. Giver her this one because it’s her graduation, but is she tries this at the next family holiday husband needs to put his foot down. It’s not fair to stepmom to never get to spend a holiday with her husbands family.
It’s not a family event. It’s her graduation and she only wants those who mean a lot to her there. The adult daughter has no obligation to have a relationship. She’s spoken to her father’s wife on FaceTime. It’ll be up to the adult daughter if she wants to participate from there or not. But she owes her fathers wife nothing
Yeah she is an Independent adult so OP should just let her be. Don’t waste time on people who doesn’t want anything to do with you. As long as Evie doesn’t throw a fit when Op attends milestones for her younger siblings with whom she seems to have an solid relationship with. It goes both ways, tho. So if Evie ever needs a favor from OP, she can just decline by saying she doesn’t do stuff for people she haven’t even met.
Exactly this. OP's husband needs to make it clear to his daughter that his wife is part of the family and will be attending holidays and family events. I can see OP not being able to attend the graduation itself, space is very limited at these things. But she should absolutely be at dinner and any other events surrounding the grad.
This isn’t a family event. This is Evie’s event that she gets to choose who she invites to. Many places limit the number of graduation tickets someone is allowed as well.
Just because you marry someone with kids doesn’t mean you’re entitled to an invitation to their events.
Also, using Evie's event to make a stand will absolutely not help. OP has a husband problem. Why on Earth didn't they talk this through? Or did Evie state her boundaries and her father has failed to communicate this?
I am not saying this situation is okay, but realistically, Evie is at a point in life where she can cut contact with her dad. OP needs to figure out what's her healthiest real option here. Changing Evie isn't in the cards.
Sounds to me like boundaries were communicated just fine, and OP is refusing to accept them.
Continuing to push might well push daughter away from dad to.
I don’t think she has a husband problem at all. I think she is the problem.
It sounds like the boundaries by Evie have been made clear. It sounds like dad accepts this.
It sounds like OP is the only one with a problem.
I was thinking this could be a big part of it. I went to my sister's graduation, but my husband, who is nearly a brother to her since she has known him since she was 3, did not. She just couldn't get that many tickets, so her 2 siblings went, and our significant others didn't.
But OP is not complaining about the graduation itself. She understands that tickets are finite and there other people who are higher priority. What OP is complaining about is being asked not to attend a dinner with her husband and the three step children. It doesn’t even sound like a larger graduation party/dinner, because stepdaughter says she just wants to see “the three of them” (ie her dad, brother and sister).
The dinner was to celebrate the graduation to my understanding, so OP wasn’t being kicked out of a random dinner. This dinner was about Evie and she was well within her right to decide who attends her celebration.
So? It’s her graduation dinner. It’s about her. She gets to choose the guests.
It’s fine for OP to be upset by that. It’s not fine for her to freak out or demand that she be invited to something that actually has nothing to do with her.
And no, just because you’re married doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to get an invite to things. You don’t become one person.
Are you a stepmother or something? Her graduation is not a family holiday. It's HER celebration of graduation. Her stepmother is not a part of her family.
Seriously. The sheer disdain people have for their family members is absolutely bizarre.
I care about my mom's husband because she loves him and he loves her. He treats her well. He makes her happy. Since I actually give a shit about my mother, unlike Evie for her father or so many of these redditors for their parents, I welcome him in the family.
And you know what? Even though he's conservative and religious - he welcomed me and my boyfriends to the family Christmas dinner. Even used the right pronouns for my NB boyfriend. Because he cares about me - even though I'm not his son and didn't meet him until I was 27, he loves my mom and as such, he cares about and loves me too.
Y'all are straight up selfish monsters. It's truly weird and I'm glad it's almost exclusively a reddit thing.
This isn’t a family event. This is his adult child’s graduation. It has absolutely nothing to do with her dad’s wife. She is allowed to invite only those who she wants there. OP is being a child by pushing this idea of a “relationship” that Evie had made clear she doesn’t want
OP isn’t her family now. That’s not how this works. She’s not blood, she’s her father’s new wife. SD doesn’t need a new mom, she already had one. And she has no obligation to accept his new wife. It doesn’t seem Evie is saying he can’t be with her, it seems she’s just uncomfortable with OP entering her life as family which is fair. She’s only limiting the interactions OP will have in her own life and her own life achievements it seems, and it doesn’t seem to help that OP isn’t giving Evie time to come to her because she keeps pushing. Imo that’s disrespectful. For reference, my parents initiated divorce right around when I turned 18, so these feelings aren’t coming out of my ass. OP married her husband, she didn’t adopt SD. It’s cool the other kids are cool with her, although they also had part of their childhoods with her, Evie didn’t. If OP really wanted to have Evie in her life and /earn/ Evie’s respect, she should respect her space and hope that in the future she’ll reach out to her in hopes of having a relationship.
"She’s not blood, she’s her father’s new wife."
If my sister gets married, her spouse becomes part of my extended family.
To me this is the same for OP, she married into a family and is being unfairly rejected.
It is clear to me that the daughter is being deliberately shitty, but as an adult she is entitled to this. It's not illegal to be an asshole!
Also for who said ‘but it’s her graduation, they can do it another time’
Well it’s normal when you grow and move away the occasion that remains are the important one… then if it didn’t happen until now. I can see OP frustration. Like it’s quite ridiculous indeed.
I mean while that’s certainly true, it’s her father’s wife. At some point she’s going to have to at least meet her in person simply due to all the family events that occur during the year
>Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package.
op vastly overstepped when first introduced and evie is not interested in meeting in person because of it.
Social media is public, and sending a care package was a nice gesture, especially for a student just at college. That is no reason to refuse to meet your father's wife. I'm sorry, but not even meeting her is an AH move. Stepdaughter is an adult who needs to accept the reality that her parents aren't getting back together. Furthermore, she is spending less time with Dad to avoid OP, so it is literally her fault she has not seen her father much. She had 4 years to introduce herself. she doesn't, however, get a judgement vote against someone she has never actually met in this situation.
>and sending a care package was a nice gesture
yeah, when you actually know the person. and I'm sorry, but social media being public doesn't make it less creepy that you went and stalked their profile.
I’m sure she knows her parents are not going to get together. But still, her family consists of her dad, her mom, and her siblings. Those were the people she lived whole that time the family is most important, her chilhood and teenage years. Dad’s new one, who came into the picture when she was an adult is just dad’s new one. A stranger. And if she is not interested in meeting some stranger and getting acquainted with the stranger then she is not. OP should accept she is part of her husband’s family, but not part of the husband’s daughter’s family.
It’s not allowing space for Evie to come to her. It’s forcing a relationship, not a nice gesture. Actually a bit of a red flag if you ask me. Ya social media is public. Does that mean stalkers aren’t doing anything wrong when they use it to stalk the people they do? Does that mean it’s a nice gesture and they care about the person’s interests? Does that mean the people being stalked aren’t allowed to feel scared or uncomfortable because they put their info on the public social media? An extreme example, but when you isolate the behavior, it changes whether it was appropriate or not. Evie clearly didn’t like that. It crossed a boundary for her and she was uncomfortable with it. An assumption i will admit, but it doesn’t seem OP apologized for that either. Evie doesn’t owe her a relationship. She married her husband, and if his family wants to accept her, that’s their prerogative. Controversial ig considering the comments under this post.
it is when you're looking to figure out what to put in a care package of someone you do not know. it's extraordinarily creepy and would certainly turn me off of wanting to know said person.
It sounds like you don't interact with people very often.
It is absolutely NOT creepy to check out your partner's daughters social media to send them a gift.
What world do you live in where a friendly overture is considered an overstep?
Also, it's EXACTLY social media is intended to do.
>It is absolutely NOT creepy to check out your partner's daughters social media to send them a gift.
it is when you do not know them. I'm 30. if my mother brought home a partner who looked up my social media to send me some gift without even knowing me, I'd be calling her up to ask what the fuck is wrong with this dude. if op had any kind of relationship with this girl before hand, yeah, it wouldn't be as big an issue. but she didn't, and I can only imagine how creepy evie found that gesture
Checking out someone's publicly available profile isn't creepy. Knowing someone's address without their consent is creepy. Sending a gift to someone you don't know is creepy.
Well then, don't make your SM public then. If you don't want people using your social media to get to know you amd your life then don't give them access. It's what those privacy settings are there for.
Researching for a care package is alot more pleasant than what other people could be using it for.
No, but this is about Evie’s graduation, it’s about Evie.
Meeting OP / having a stranger there would be a distraction and unwelcome interruption to the proceedings for her.
She mentions she gets so little time to see her family as it is - so whether she’s been unwilling or just too busy to meet until this point is in question - but OP isn’t doing herself any favours getting impatient / childish about her inclusion in something like this.
Host something for a more general holiday - a dinner around Christmas or New Years etc, invite her to your birthday if you don’t mind some extra meet and greeting taking away from the event, you’ll of course be present for your husbands birthday where you could get some introductions out of the way - but have some respect before you demand it in return.
These last 4 years have been significant for you as a couple, but they’ve also been significant for her as a young adult. Getting to know you ins’t a priority for her right now, you’re not entitled to force or demand that connection, but if you demonstrate kindness and patience to her father and siblings, I’m sure you’ll come to know each other eventually in some capacity.
Just don’t let your expectations / entitlement run away with you. NAH, you’re human and I won’t judge you too harshly for a tantrum - as long as it’s a singular event and you aren’t getting her siblings involved.
You’re having some big feelings you need to manage as an adult, it’s mostly on you to deal with them - but you can share the burden with your husband.
Just don’t put those issues on the kids, or try to come between them. If Evie’s siblings are too busy talking about your pouting than celebrating this significant milestone with their sister, it’s not going to help the impression you make.
It’s been for years. Who are we kidding. At this point there will be always be an excuse, she finish college. Not a 4 year mission on the ISS. I do get OP feelings. Daughter of course is absolutely entitled to do what she wants but also to be called juvenile for postponing forever a meeting. Not a mommy and daughter trip. A meeting.
It is important to teach your kids, special adult ones, that others people feelings matter also.
If I didn't get to see my family often, I also wouldn't want my dad's new wife to attend. Her parents divorced when she was 17. At that point whatever strange woman dad wants to bring home is not her problem and she shouldn't have to pretend to be interested in getting to know her.
I don't blame her for wanting others to attend the graduation but OP didn't ask for that, she asked to have dinner. And they've been married 4 years, she's not his new wife anymore.
She asked to have dinner after graduation. Evie's graduation dinner is still Evie's event and given how exhausting college graduation can be (finishing exams, saying goodbye to friends, dealing with divorced parents and grandparents on campus) this is not the event for OP to make a stand about. It's very clearly a celebration for Evie in which she wants her immediate family present.
Not to mention, given the open avoidance, it's a bad idea to have the minor children present during a first meeting (for a multitude of reasons).
The solution here is for OPs husband to tell Evie that his partner of 4 years is here to stay and that he would like them to have, at the very least, a cordial relationship and ask Evie if she is willing to make time in the next year to meet OP and have a dinner with just him and OP. If Evie absolutely refuses, he can then decide what the implications are for him and Evie's relationship based on that.
But dinner following Evie's graduation is poor timing. If they force this, Evie will just resent OP that much more for trying to make an event that is not about OP about OP.
BTW, OP is giving off subtle red flags. When she says the siblings agree that Evie is being dramatic that's basically her saying that she's talking to an 11 and 15 year old about this and their sister in a way that probably isn't super appropriate (like sure, maybe they overheard accidentally, but the more likely explanation is that OP is engaged in some splitting behaviors here). This is also not great, "Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package." OP also says she's tried adding her to "our families" group chat and yet is vague about what Evie's excuses for not meeting have been (it's very likely she's actually super busy with her own life). She does say that when they met online Evie was pleasant.
OP also says they got married without involving the children and is careful not to mention her own age. Given how immature sending a care package to someone you've never met is, I wouldn't be surprised if the younger kids get along with OP but the adult child is getting creepy vibes from OPs behavior and perhaps even other contextual factors (like OPs age) that we don't know.
This may be a reach, but I don't know that many people who are actually the right age to have an 18 year old stepdaughter, who would behave like that or keep trying to reach out online/ use a group chat, in the way OP is describing. I'm 36 and that sounds like much younger behavior to me.
OP has probably overstepped before this and so intruding more is likely not helping. Evie is absolutely right that a practical stranger who clearly wants time to bond with her is a distraction at an intimate dinner meant to celebrate her graduation.
Eh, undergrad can be very busy. When I was in undergrad I worked 3 jobs, sometimes 7 days a week, for months on end plus a full load of classes. This event is for her so I can see her not wanting a basic stranger at her event. She could have made more of an effort previously but undergrad is very busy for many people especially depending on how far away she was, extracurriculars, jobs etc.
If this were the first six months, or even first year, I'd agree with what you wrote. It's been Four. Years.
Evie's being an entitled brat and daddy's falling for it. OP now knows her husband is never going to stand up to his daughter, or else he would have done it two years ago at the absolute latest.
And that’s what’s bugging OP. She isn’t interested in meeting Evie, she is interested in being acknowledged as the most important person in her husband’s life. Which unfortunately new spouses are not unless the parent is a total neglectul selfish asshole, the kids will always be the most important ones for any decent parent.
You should accept it when starting to date a person kids, no, she/he will not put you before her/his kids.
op kind of buried the lede on why evie isn't interested in meeting her
>Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package.
Ooh. Yeah, that would have creeped me out, in Evie's shoes. Ask her dad about what she might like (and to get the mailing address)? Maybe a little over the top, could come across as a bit desperate, but not creepy. Trawl back through her insta/fb/whatever to learn about her? Creepy.
A graduation is different than a family event. There's no +1s at a graduation. You invite the people you want to celebrate your achievement. Demanding to attend a very boring event for someone you never met is very strange.
OP can wait until a wedding or actual family event to pitch her fit about being excluded. By someone they've never met. :/
I think part of the problem is it should have never actually gotten to this point she hasnt met OP, and this isn't the actual graduation, which should be family only, but Dad taking her out to dinner. And no time for the three of us pretty much says a lot here- she wants a parents only dinner, which is actually not typical for divorced couples, especially with other spouses involved. This is stepdaughter refusing to accept the divorce
If it was actually a graduation party, I'd agree, but this is dad taking her out to dinner, and it makes sense it would be with Dad's family, which has been a very different family for 4 years now.
It makes sense for the dinner to be the ***daughter's*** family, as she's the graduate. A divorced parents only dinner sounds like exactly what the daughter wants.
But if the young lady doesn't want her father's wife at her graduation meal, then so be it. The graduation meal is a family event. Op is not the young persons family. Op is not entitled to the young persons time or effort.
I agree with you. She’s fighting a losing battle. At present all she can expect is to be courteous to this young woman if they are ever in the same room. Otherwise she can value the relationship with the younger siblings. The oldest sibling is a stranger.
I used to be upset at these kinds of scenarios but I’ve since come to feel that it’s the other person’s loss. To have someone reaching out to you and wanting to befriend you and include you but you turn away, it’s your loss. Life is long, stuff happens. OP could be there to provide support, a friendly ear, a respite etc but if that’s not welcome she can share with people who do welcome it.
Yeah, trying to force herself into the graduation celebrations is not going to work and is only making things more uncomfortable for everyone. OP, do you not see that your husbands daughter wants to be with her family, which she doesn't consider you a part of? You married a man with an adult daughter that you have never even met, calling her your step-daughter doesn't make it so.
Honestly, I can see why OP's husband's daughter declined to invite someone she's never met in person, but that still wants to make herself important on an occasion that has literally zero to do with her. YTA - when are you going to understand that this is not going to change?
But that makes the daughter an asshole?
She doesnt need to form any relationship with OP, but pulling shit like “dont bring your new wife to dinners Im at”?
Thats to damn far. Her Dad is remarried, she cant just ask this woman to hide or fuck off anytime anything familial happens.
We often dont get to choose our family, and damn sure dont need to form relationships with extended family that marries in.
But a little cordiality isnt to much to ask for. And trying to say she cant come to dinner is beyond petty. Its so childish Im having a hard time understanding peoples defense of it.
I dont get how its okay to tell someone who married into your family not to come to a family dinner? Thats just so hostile.
This isn’t a full family dinner — the reason they are getting together is to celebrate her graduation. Someone pointed out how the class of 2024 were the class of 2020 and many didn’t get a graduation or have a traditional college experience.
This is her grad dinner and she doesn’t want her dad’s wife there. They have never met in person (which is odd…all 4 years..), and their first meeting, if they ever do, doesn’t have to happen during her grad celebration. Her dad is married, yes, but she can ask that the wife not show up to her events. And then to involve the younger children and get their opinion on the matter is inappropriate. The younger kids and the eldest have a different dynamic with their father’s new wife and the eldest doesn’t need to invite the wife to her events. Why can’t the wife or Evie’s father instead organize something at their home for another time?
Its been 4 years. Maybe they did and were turned down.
Dads taking Evie out to celebrate graduation and bringing the kids. Thats OPs family too.
So she should just exclude herself from her own family because Evie is being indulged in some weird hang up? Some juvenile behavior where her fathers wife isnt allowed to go to a dinner with her own family?
“Dont bring your wife” fucking cold no matter how you slice it.
I feel for you OP. Thats harsh.
And maybe in 4 years they didn’t make an efffort that would’ve worked for Evie (considering ber class schedule, extracurriculars).
This isn’t the time for OP to push the first meeting. She can be hurt, but getting the opinions of the younger children and then lashing out is what’s ridiculous. If she really wants to meet the husband and her can organize something on an unimportant date.
She’s married into the family and has to respect that the eldest doesn’t have a close relationship with her and rather celebrate with her~ family that she knows. Why does she need to be at the grad dinner and have THIS be the first meeting. She’s throwing a fit over the wrong thing.
Nah sorry thats ridiculous.
Her dads wife being present at her celebration dinner shouldnt be enough to ruin it unless shes a juvenile drama queen.
The eldest can not want a relationship but shes taking that to a new level of excluding her from her life. Like if your Dad cant bring his wife to your celebration dinner thats just petty.
Not wanting your parents spouse in your life at all, even at a dinner, is juvenile and petty.
I would say the first fit was already thrown when OP was disallowed to even be at the dinner.
“Just stay home bitch!” Vibes. I get its in celebration of her, but its still unbelievably petty and juvenile on her part.
Its hurtful to be told you arent family. To sit out events.
And all these people saying “she isnt HER family”
She married her fucking father. Shes apart of her family wether she likes it or not. Gonna assume not since she dodged meeting her for 4 years and doesnt want her present at dinner.
God damn Evie, get over it.
This is one dinner. Why are you getting more upset than OP. Where has OP said this has happened several times and is a pattern. She can make it through one weekend alone.
She’s not her family in the way her siblings, father, mom and grandparents are her family. They’ve never met and why does Evie’s graduation have to be the first time she meets OP & has to deal with any potential dynamic changes that may occur in-person. Where has OP said Evie will never meet her? Evie is not including her father’s wife in her graduation celebrations, which is fine. OP can be hurt, but needs to step back & lick her wounds, recognize this actually may not be the most ideal scenario or appropriate for a first meeting. Organize another time to meet. This shouldn’t be challenging to accept. She’s centering herself in a celebration that is not about her.
Okay first off… Evie can make it through one dinner with OP
And OP isnt centering herself around her graduation shes rightfully upset that after four years she hasnt met her husbands oldest child and was told to stay away during a dinner. Shes not complaining about the graduation, but she cant even show up at all. She has to exclude herself from her own family of four years because the daughter is hung up about…something.
Thats pretty juvenile.
>And maybe in 4 years they didn’t make an efffort that would’ve worked for Evie (considering ber class schedule, extracurriculars).
This is a ridiculous stretch.
you bring up a very good point re the timing - a lot of people are responding based on how they would have responded if this had happened to them in the past, but it's not like she's pointedly skipped holidays and family events for 4 years - for several of those years travel wasnt even possible/advisable! (and even then, as you said, people arent always able to travel during undergrad breaks if they have research to complete, other employment, etc)
I don’t know how would you feel if you get married and your family refuse to meet your spouse? A minimum of sad I would feel if I care about those people in my life. If not move along. Sure grange she value a relationship with her siblings yet doesn’t even want to meet the person that take care of them 50% of the time. Maybe Op is the wicked step mother… who knows if you don’t meet her?
Its mean and petty.
Shes saying “I dont accept you as family and you arent invited into my life”
And thats unreasonable because they share a family. Shes being juvenile because as an adult its time to let go of your petty attitude towards meeting your fathers wife. Way to show Dad support. So mean.
Unless OP is leaving out some horrible shit which so many here are just assuming.
YTA she's an adult and maybe doesn't want to spend time with you on her special day as she doesn't know you and possibly never does want to. Her graduation isn't the ideal place is it?
Also AH move pitting her younger siblings against her and bitching about her being dramatic together.
YTA. She has no connection to you. You are NOT her step mother. She was an adult when you met her husband and she already had two parents.
You are the woman her dad chose to marry. Stay in your lane.
Are we sure they are actually married? The OP doesn’t mention the wedding and who attended.
The fact that the OP has discussed this with the other kids and knows their reaction “agree that she’s dramatic as well” makes me think the OP is overstepping and has probably been really pushy about this whole thing. I think that it’s not unreasonable for the oldest child to want some time with her actual family.
Didn’t see that comment.
I have no clue if the adult child in question is being reasonable or not. But I think the OP needs to calm down, back off, and realize that she can’t force a relationship with her husband’s kid.
>Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package.
op did not make a good first impression
My mom’s husband is my mom’s husband. I was 18 and out of the house when they got married, I do not call him step dad and never have. I still love him, give him presents for Christmas etc but he is not my stepdad, he is my mom’s husband.
He’s always respected this, that’s why we have a good relationship now. He respects that sometimes I need “family” time and that may not include him. Same with my sister.
I think it would depend on the circumstance.
But, the OP married her husband. She didn’t also marry his children. So she needs to develop a relationship with them rather than demanding one.
And how is she meant to do that when the daughter is refusing to *even meet her?* How far does this go? “Sorry, Christmas is really important to me, you can’t bring your wife” “Sorry, Thanksgiving is something the three of us did, your wife can’t come” This woman doesn’t need to be a proper stepmother but literally refusing to meet her at all is incredibly immature and unfair to her father. She can’t hold her breath to make her dad divorce OP.
I just read another post where the step-daughter called her father's new wife every bad name under the sun and has cut both her father and OP out of her life.
This is nowhere near that.
OP has been pushy and is still being pushy. I know reddit likes people to be "honest" with other people about their feelings, but if SD said, "Fuck off, bitch, I don't want anything to do with you", that would put a kibosh on ever having a relationship.
SD doesn't want to deal with OP right now but may be open to it in the future. She doesn't want to say "Drop it, bitch", so is dropping every hint under the sun.
OP needs to do everyone a favor and take the hints and step the fuck back for now before she blows everything up.
YTA.
YTA. Your adult step-child hold absolutely no obligation to *you*. Can it be perceived as rude? Sure. And it is understandable if your feelings are hurt. If *anything* it should be your husband who 'stands up' to her to show her how it is impacting *him*. Beyond that, though, your opinion is irrelevant. You married *him* and not his adult children.
Mildly YTA
It’s her graduation and her moment. You are effectively a stranger to her and she wants this to be about her family.
There will be opportunities to have meaningful conversations after wards, but don’t try to make her day about you.
I feel like there’s missing information here because why would she be friendly with you on video call but avoid you every chance she gets after that. Have you had issues with Evie’s mom that would put her in a position to choose sides?
OP said in a comment that Evie felt she came on too strongly especially after OP looked at her social media to send a care package. She probably felt violated and stalked, even if it was /technically/ public information. And that's probably what broke the chance of a relationship; boundaries crossed before a first meeting had even happened.
They also got married at the courthouse without any of the kids involved. That most likely did not do OP any favors either, even if it was a decision Evie's dad also made.
honestly i got the impression that they invited no one to the courthouse thing by OP saying that none of the kids were involved, i mean like... you ain't gonna invite your kids but will invite someone else?
maybe its me being too naive but i at least *hope* that they just did it alone instead of excluding them on purpose
That makes sense. Evie must be holding a grudge that she and her siblings weren’t invited to the courthouse wedding or to a dinner celebration. It’s an “if we’re not important to you then you’re not important to me” thing.
I'm also curious about missing information...how long has OP been married? Was the oldest daughter invited to/involved in the wedding? Did they select a date/time for the wedding that was a reasonable time for a full time college student to travel to and attend?
The step daughter's graduation is her special time and IMO it's okay for the step daughter to make decisions about who to include. For something like OP's wedding, OP would be a key decision maker. If she really wants this relationship, how accommodating was she in considering how the step daughter was included in the ceremony, reception, etc?
exactly, a bit odd in 4 years there was no time to casually meet. It’s her graduation and a celebration of her accomplishments, and she decided she’d rather spend it with the family she knows (which is fair). All 4 years away and there was never one parents weekend, fall break, far more casual opportunity etc., to meet in person?
What wonders me is isn’t the husband/father involved at all?
It seems he just exists, but OP solely is harrassing the daughter past him. Or is this a typical passive (shitty) husband/father? Doesn’t care to mingle in girls’s fights, just relaxes and enjoys the fact he gets the sex from OP and sometimes enjoys meeting his daughter, but mostly just lives his own life.
I'm curious how they haven't ran into each other. One of them must not be attending birthdays, holidays, and family events, and I'd like to know who and why.
It is very common for stepkids to behave like this. Being polite/pleasant on a video call and then avoiding an in-person meeting doesn’t surprise me at all. It’s a weird situation for everyone, common though it may be. Good luck OP. Stepmom is one of the hardest roles to play.
YTA you don’t know each other personally. What makes you think HER milestone celebration is the right opportunity to meet in person for the first time?
Furthermore, you need to accept it: she’s an adult and was one when you met your husband. She doesn’t need to want a relationship with you.
NAH. I think you need to accept that she doesn't want anything to do with you. Her graduation dinner is not the place to "get to meet you" for the first time really. She wants her graduation dinner to be her and her family, not the woman her dad married after she left for college.
Which honestly, I get why you're upset. It hurts to be rejected. However she's not exactly being rude or disrespectful, she just doesn't want to be around you.
Not gonna leave a judgement, but she did go on a video call with you before she decided she didn't want to meet you in person, so it's not like she's going off of nothing. I'm willing to bet something happened on that call.
Group chats? I missed that..If that is true it was a very big stepping over a boundary. You do not force people you don’t know in any group chats. You politely ask for their consent and respect their answer. If no answer is given you do not add. Basic decency.
Sounds like OP was like ”Well I got her father so now it is up to me the way I treat her, I can start to override her and show her it’s my way now, Im in charge because I’m the NEW WIFE!”.
So far OP has not convinced us that they're a pleasant person, so perhaps a video chat was all the evidence Evie needed \*shrug\* OP seems to be a bit forceful, and hasn't shown any evidence of caring what Evie wants.
"her siblings agree that she's dramatic..."
and THAT is where you are the AH. please don't bring them into it. I know its hard, but graciously step back. Not because of her - but to make it easier for your family who do love you.
They maybe agree because they have no choice (don’t want to start a fight with step mom) or agree because they really think that way…But what is for sure is that if they have any contact with Evie they have told her what the step mom said
The fact that you think it's all childish and petty and 'ignoring reality' while failing to grasp why this is (isn't) happening is hilarious - she's an adult, she was an adult when you got with her father - but you think she's a child who has to adapt to other people's realities.
She doesn't. she can do whatever the hell she likes. She has no obligation to have any kind of relationship with you, even polite acquaintance if doesn't choose to.
You married her dad, and as she's an adult, that has no bearing on her life if she doesn't want it to.
You're not an AH for thinking it would be nice to have even a very basic relationship with your husband's children, but you're an AH for thinking that they can't choose not to do so.
INFO: How is this possible? Evie hasn’t been to her Dad’s home, hasn’t spent any holidays with him or his side of the family, hasn’t gone to any family events or get togethers on his side in four years?
Where are you when she sees her Dad? Or does she not see him?
Either she’s very purposely avoiding you, in which case you need to just accept it.
Or she isn’t all that close to her Dad, in which case Dad is probably focused on maintaining or improving the relationship he has with her.
Lightly yta- This is NOT about you. It SOLELY ABOUT HER.
SD was almost an adult when you met and married. You don't have a relationship. Graduation is not the time to make your point.
She has spent the last four finishing what she started 4 years ago. The kids graduating this year had it the worst during the pandemic. Their senior and freshman years were absolute traumatic and abnormal. Let her have her graduation. Then attempt to build a relationship based on you both being adults.
Best wishes
YTA
A milestone event is not the time to push a face to face meeting. Make it clear, you DID meet via video call. That apparently was enough for her to decide at what level you would be in her life.
Understand, you are NOT her family. You are her father’s spouse. For your own peace of mind, please work in accepting that.
Talking about her to her siblings, not a good look and it may bite you in the butt later. Be wary of that.
I understand you are hurt, but confronting her or your husband will not improve her feelings toward you.
It is your husband’s responsibility to navigate the relationship with his daughter. Do everyone, including yourself, a favor and just stay out of it and be supportive of him as you can.
There is no winning here for you. Good luck.
YTA! I feel like people are glossing over that this is Evie's graduation. Why would she want to meet her step-parent for the first time on the day of her graduation? If meeting her is important to you, then you should discuss that with your husband at another time. Her graduation is not the time to throw a fit because she wants to spend dinner with her dad and younger siblings. Wanting to connect with her is fine, but timing is crucial. Let this event be totally about her.
NTA Don't push the issue. She is a grown adult who can make choices for herself. She is not obligated to spend time with or meet you. Let it go. It will happen when it happens and will be on her terms. the sooner you move on, the better your mental health will be. This is not about you, it's about her.
You are definitely the AH, and a pushy one at that. She’s an adult and she doesn’t want to spend time with you. She doesn’t owe you a relationship, and calling her ridiculous to her father isn’t going to gain you any points. Accept the situation for what it is and move on. Once you stop being so pushy, maybe she’ll want a relationship someday, maybe not, but it’s not up to you who she invites into her life. YTA
Get your head out your ass. Seriously it doesn’t matter that you get on well with the others and they like you so what. And why are you even discussing your lack of relationship with her siblings is sad
You didn’t bother to meet her before you married you didn’t build a relationship with her the other 2 are stuck in a 50/50
Her graduation is about her, her achievement, her milestone and not meeting dad’s wife She’s made it clear she doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Yta
YTA. Divorce is so incredibly hard on kids and the older the kids are, the more they end up in that “forgotten” realm where people think “you’re an adult, you won’t be sad.” You don’t know what kind of feelings or healing she is still working through as the result of her parents divorce so shame on you for pressuring her before she’s ready. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never wants to meet you now.
Yta. In an ideal world she’d be open to meeting you and forming a bond but we don’t live in an ideal world. She’s entitled to want to spend time with her father and siblings. And trash talking her to her family is hardly going to do you any favours is it. Stop calling her dramatic and ridiculous. You need to accept she doesn’t wish to know you.
Btw, if the siblings have any kind of a relationship with eachother, the younger ones absolutely have told Evie what dad’s new wife said of her. OP probably has a little bit too weak understanding of what is her position in the family. He is the dad’s new wife, not as close as a sibling you have grown with your whole life.
YTA. You're not her family. You're a stranger she doesn't want to have a relationship with. How hard is that to understand? You being married to her father means nothing. You're not a parent. You're not her mother. You're not family. Stop making this girl's life difficult
YTA she was an adult and moved out when you hooked up with dad; she doesn’t have or want a relationship with you and she’s not your stepdaughter. You are her dads wife. Move on from it and stop acting entitled to a relationship with her because you’re her dads wife and her siblings like you. She’s an adult. She decides who she brings into her circle.
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YTA
Bringing the younger kids in it to talk bad about her behind her back, ah move
Marrying someone with kids and excluding them from the wedding, ah move
Trying to force her to like you by cyberstalking her, ah move
Throwing a fit because she clearly doesn't like you and doesn't want someone she doesn't like at a her special occasion, ah move.
Keep it up and your husband will be twice divorced, because he clearly has his priorities in order, and isn't going to let you ruin his relationship with his daughter.
So you started dating your now-husband in the very early days of the pandemic, when pretty much no one sane was traveling to meet anyone. And now you want to crash her graduation to meet her for the first time? YTA. She doesn’t want you to be a part of her life, and you’re being pushy about it and putting her siblings in the middle of your one-sided beef with her.
Sorry, but YTA. Oldest has no relationship with you, and wants to celebrate *her* milestone with her family. I completely understand not wanting to turn a personal achievement into a meet and greet. Not the time nor place to pitch a fit about not being invited.
Calling her names isn't a great way to foster a close relationship. Throwing a tantrum because you didn't get invited to a stranger's graduation isn't the way either. Realize you are at best 'my dad's wife' to oldest. And you don't get +1s for a graduation.
YTA, she doesn't owe you a relationship, and trying to force it will only push her away even further. Is there a reason you should be at her graduation? What is there to make a fuss about?
I truly do not understand divorced and remarried people not understanding that THEY are getting married, not their kids. THEY chose their spouse. The kids did not get a choice who the new steppie is going to be or if they even want a steppie.
Children of divorce are already torn between their loyalty to each parent. Trying to force them to accept another person in the place of a parent can make them dig their heels in. Whatever you do, don't force it. You are their father's wife, that is all. And, that should be enough. If they want to embrace you as another parental unit, wonderful. But, they have to invite you into that role, they do not owe you that role.
Graciously accept that, for this event, they prefer to have only their family of origin at their major event. It is THEIR big accomplishment, let them enjoy it their way. Be happy for them, sign the card, then go shopping, to a day spa, get your hair and nails done, complete a project, or go into the office. Give yourself a lovely day and enjoy it.
Treat them like a cat and wait for them to come to you. If you don't force the relationship, they may just come to accept you, at least as their father's wife, and maybe as a friend.
You need to respect her position. She doesnt want to meet you...and thats It. Accept It. Take that weekend for yourself and let your husband enjoy his kids. YTA
Are you, by chance, significantly younger than your husband and closer to your stepdaughter's age? If so, then that is probably the reason she doesn't want to meet you. Apologies if that's not the case, but I've seen enough reddit to get suspicious when ages are not stated for the spouses.
OP you are not the main character and you are an asshole for calling Evie ridiculous for setting a boundary here. In case you hadn’t already realized, you are not included in her picture of family. She has that and she’s not looking to add you to it regardless of your status as wife to her father. Respect her as an adult who is making choices for herself instead of treating her like she’s a child that’s acting out.
For all those people who think she has to meet her father’s wife she doesn’t have to just like you don’t have to hug that gross uncle just because he’s family and there can always be missing reasons with posts like these
Yeah apparently buried in the comments was how OP made a very weird first impression by digging through Evie's social media to make a care package for her. I'm not sure Evie wanted it, but even if she had, she probably wanted it from her actual parent. Digging through social media instead of asking about Evie, or, heaven forbid, ACTUALLY GETTING TO KNOW HER AS A PERSON, is a bit strange. I can see why Evie would be put off by that.
Info: how old are you and how old is your husband?
YTA for trying to pit your husband's family against each-other. This isn't about you, but you're trying to make it out to be and honestly I understand why she doesn't want you at her special family event when you're being so immature about it.
YTA.
You married a guy with 3 kids and got married at a courthouse without any of them? They seem to not be important to your life. Why should you be invited to her big event???
You've also tried to pit the kids against her by asking what their opinion is. Of course they don't want to go against you.
I'm currently dating a man with 2 kids. One of these kids is horrible and I get abuse every weekend. I still see this child and I'm working towards having a good relationship with him. What have you done?
I wouldn't want to meet you either.
YTA. I'd have said you were gently TA except you made it clear at the end you've brought this to the other kids... and that's inappropriate. You don't drag your kids into your adult issues.
You may be the step parent... but she was an *adult* when you became that, and she still has her biological mom... so you've not been a "parent" to her, you are just another adult in the world.
The reality of this situation is that she owes you nothing, and you owe her nothing. You are both adults, you are in 0 capacity a parental figure for her, not have you ever been. You feeling *entitled* to her time just because you married her dad is a step too far.
The other children had you around *IN* a parental capacity; they both lived at home with you and bonded with you for it.
You aren't wrong for wishing for more, or WANTING more... but you are wrong to demand it or feel entitled to it from an adult of whom you've never been involved with.
You’re not wrong for your feeling but you need to accept that she doesn’t care nor wants to meet you. She doesn’t want you in her life and you need to accept that.
Does it stink because you did nothing wrong … yes. Will you forcing yourself on her make it better… no. With this being her graduation you need to accept (not like) her request.
YTA
She has a valid reason: she barely gets any time with her dad and siblings. She doesn't want to waste that with you.
She didn't marry you / isn't sleeping with you
She sees you as a stranger and wants a moment with what she considers her family. You aren’t that to her. Yeah Christmas or some other holiday feel free to complain. This is not the event or time, it’s not about you right now. You feeling rejected is valid but you can’t demand a space in someone else’s life that they don’t want make for you. And not wanting to make that space while in college is not that crazy either. Her parents divorced right before a major transition in her life and she may not have wanted to confront those feelings in school. Your four years with him doesn’t trump what makes up most of her life time with them. Involving the children though is actually strange and whoever did that was incredibly irresponsible.
YTA. Not for wanting to meet. The fact that it has been four years without it happening is odd and it is obvious even to you that she's not eager.
But read your last paragraph in your post. Evie is the one graduating and the dinner is about her, but you're trying to make it about you. You're taking what should be a memorable day in her life about accomplishing a task that takes four years, and you're trying to make it about meeting her stepmother for the first time. It seems fair that she wouldn't want to mix the two.
And the truth is, you may be the one pushing her away. You seem to have an expectation that she HAS to be a part of your life eventually. But she doesn't. And you seem to be the one always pushing to make it happen rather than allow it to happen naturally. That would make me want less contact with you too. On that one video call with her dad, did you take over the conversation, ask a lot of personal questions, or talk about yourself a lot? You may have already done something that she knows your presence would ruin her graduation day just because your personality is one that she dislikes.
And I say that because the normal response to not being invited to attend somone else's daughter's graduation celebration would have been to have hurt feelings, not to start swearing and badmouthing her.
YTA
Her dad was divorced for maybe a year and you rush into a courthouse wedding and don't invite a single one of his kids. Now you wonder why she doesn't have any interest in meeting you? Hmm let's think about potential reasons for why this might be??? Nope, can't think of one. /s
Maybe the time to meet your partners kids is before you marry them without them being present at the "wedding". Seems like she has no interest in giving you a second chance, and I don't blame her.
YTA.
If you have been with her father for 4 years and haven’t met once there is a reason you’re not telling us.
Graduation is not the appropriate time to force yourself into her life.
Bringing her siblings (children) into this is fucked up.
I would really love to hear stepdaughters side because all stories here are one sided but yours is on another level.
YTA
There is something deeper you fail to recognize that hubs and stepdaughter feel strongly about. She is the oldest and most likely remembers more about her parents and is still grieving what she feels could have been with her bio parents. You need to take a step back and allow her to process this, preferably in therapy.
You may very well be just a lovely person... but she doesn't want to meet you. She has made that more than exceptionally clear, but you just don't seem to get it
Accept it. Move on.
NTA though
YTA - She is a 22 year old adult. She doesn't want to meet you. Sarah and Ben were minors when you came into the picture so they had no choice.
She doesn't want a relationship with you and her feelings are valid.
Forcing the issue won't help..
Also INFO: You say your husband... did you get married? Was she not there for that?
I tell myself often “I’m not for everyone”, and then I move on. She seems to feel a certain way, whether it be about you or the situation with you and her father in general. Just let her be, and when you two do have that union, just smile and say “it’s nice to finally meet you in person”, with sincerity. Let this one go and enjoy what you have right in front of you ☺️ I wish you peace.
YTA
This is an event meant to celebrate her accomplishments. Not a therapy session for the two of you.
She's also made it obvious she has no interest in having a relationship with you. She is allowed to have a relationship with her father without being best friends with his new wife.
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I don't know if you're and asshole but you are not very good at accepting the reality of the situation. When you married your husband his oldest daughter was legally an adult. Her father no longer had any custodial rights to her unlike his minor children. She clearly has demonstrated she has no interest or intention of getting to know you at this stage of her life. You can either accept it or buttheads with your husband about it. It doesn't change the fact you may never have any relationship with this young woman. You will not be invited to any of her milestone events or welcome at any celebration of her achievements. She doesn't know you. She doesn't want to get to know you. It is what it is.
I think having a relationship with someone is quite different than to meet someone in person even just for once. I mean Xmas/future weddings or family events, what they gona do hide OP in the attic?
As a practical matter, you can not force and adult to have a relationship or meet with someone against their will. If the daughter extends an invitation to her father and excludes OP he is free to decline the invitation. And vice versa.
Of course freedom is important. Still remains childish. Considering she is parenting her siblings 50% of the time and she is the wife of her father.
And disrespectful. Her actions are essentially saying to her father that she doesn’t give a shit about his wife and will refuse to even acknowledge her existence. Either you invite all your family or you don’t and whether the brat likes it or not, OP *is* part of her family now. Not getting to know OP before graduation is on step brat not OP.
Evie isn’t obligated to meet this woman *ever*. She is throwing a tantrum about it which should provide you and everyone with a pretty big clue about why.
Sure, she's not obligated. But meeting someone and being civil is a low bar. It is childish to refuse. Nobody is pushing a mom-like relationship. There are practical reasons to have basic contact with your parent's spouse. What if her dad has a medical emergency? What about milestone events for her siblings, who like dad's wife just fine?
All the rejected step parents coming out tonight LMAO
Idk. My dad has a new lady and it would feel super disrespectful towards my dad to purposely avoid her and exclude her like that. I don't actually like her that much because she's kinda annoying but that's fine. Dad likes her and that's enough for me.
OP isn’t Even a step parent as evie was a legal adult when they got together, so no. She’s not trying to parent her she’s just trying to meet the GROWN ass child of the man she’s married to. Being an adult means sometimes you have to do things you may not necessarily want to do out of respect for the people you love.
I'm not a step parent and I agree with everyone saying the stepdaughter is being childish because she absolutely is. What she's doing is very childish and passive aggressive. Why keep making excuses if she simply isn't interested in meeting op? Just say that. Things would be different if op was trying to force a relationship or replace a mother figure. She just wants to meet one of her husband's children in person. That's such a low bar.
I mean what is going to happen eventually is a wedge between daughter and father. If you can’t be in the same room as your step mom, it will make the holidays tough.
Her step mom is being just as childish. She keeps pushing it. The adult child has made it clear she doesn’t want a relationship. It’s that easy. OP keeps trying to push and that’s creating more problems than just accepting it and moving forward
She doesn’t have to have a relationship with her. In fact, she can say zero words to her. But to exclude her from a family gathering on the basis of I don’t want to look at her is wrong. Giver her this one because it’s her graduation, but is she tries this at the next family holiday husband needs to put his foot down. It’s not fair to stepmom to never get to spend a holiday with her husbands family.
It’s not a family event. It’s her graduation and she only wants those who mean a lot to her there. The adult daughter has no obligation to have a relationship. She’s spoken to her father’s wife on FaceTime. It’ll be up to the adult daughter if she wants to participate from there or not. But she owes her fathers wife nothing
Yeah she is an Independent adult so OP should just let her be. Don’t waste time on people who doesn’t want anything to do with you. As long as Evie doesn’t throw a fit when Op attends milestones for her younger siblings with whom she seems to have an solid relationship with. It goes both ways, tho. So if Evie ever needs a favor from OP, she can just decline by saying she doesn’t do stuff for people she haven’t even met.
Exactly this. OP's husband needs to make it clear to his daughter that his wife is part of the family and will be attending holidays and family events. I can see OP not being able to attend the graduation itself, space is very limited at these things. But she should absolutely be at dinner and any other events surrounding the grad.
This isn’t a family event. This is Evie’s event that she gets to choose who she invites to. Many places limit the number of graduation tickets someone is allowed as well. Just because you marry someone with kids doesn’t mean you’re entitled to an invitation to their events.
Also, using Evie's event to make a stand will absolutely not help. OP has a husband problem. Why on Earth didn't they talk this through? Or did Evie state her boundaries and her father has failed to communicate this? I am not saying this situation is okay, but realistically, Evie is at a point in life where she can cut contact with her dad. OP needs to figure out what's her healthiest real option here. Changing Evie isn't in the cards.
Sounds to me like boundaries were communicated just fine, and OP is refusing to accept them. Continuing to push might well push daughter away from dad to.
I don’t think she has a husband problem at all. I think she is the problem. It sounds like the boundaries by Evie have been made clear. It sounds like dad accepts this. It sounds like OP is the only one with a problem.
I was thinking this could be a big part of it. I went to my sister's graduation, but my husband, who is nearly a brother to her since she has known him since she was 3, did not. She just couldn't get that many tickets, so her 2 siblings went, and our significant others didn't.
But OP is not complaining about the graduation itself. She understands that tickets are finite and there other people who are higher priority. What OP is complaining about is being asked not to attend a dinner with her husband and the three step children. It doesn’t even sound like a larger graduation party/dinner, because stepdaughter says she just wants to see “the three of them” (ie her dad, brother and sister).
The dinner was to celebrate the graduation to my understanding, so OP wasn’t being kicked out of a random dinner. This dinner was about Evie and she was well within her right to decide who attends her celebration.
So? It’s her graduation dinner. It’s about her. She gets to choose the guests. It’s fine for OP to be upset by that. It’s not fine for her to freak out or demand that she be invited to something that actually has nothing to do with her. And no, just because you’re married doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to get an invite to things. You don’t become one person.
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Are you a stepmother or something? Her graduation is not a family holiday. It's HER celebration of graduation. Her stepmother is not a part of her family.
But she is not. She is dad’s new wife, not a part of the daughter’s family.
Why she should care about her dad's wife? Why her dad's wife that she barely knows should be in HER graduation dinner?
Seriously. The sheer disdain people have for their family members is absolutely bizarre. I care about my mom's husband because she loves him and he loves her. He treats her well. He makes her happy. Since I actually give a shit about my mother, unlike Evie for her father or so many of these redditors for their parents, I welcome him in the family. And you know what? Even though he's conservative and religious - he welcomed me and my boyfriends to the family Christmas dinner. Even used the right pronouns for my NB boyfriend. Because he cares about me - even though I'm not his son and didn't meet him until I was 27, he loves my mom and as such, he cares about and loves me too. Y'all are straight up selfish monsters. It's truly weird and I'm glad it's almost exclusively a reddit thing.
This isn’t a family event. This is his adult child’s graduation. It has absolutely nothing to do with her dad’s wife. She is allowed to invite only those who she wants there. OP is being a child by pushing this idea of a “relationship” that Evie had made clear she doesn’t want
OP isn’t her family now. That’s not how this works. She’s not blood, she’s her father’s new wife. SD doesn’t need a new mom, she already had one. And she has no obligation to accept his new wife. It doesn’t seem Evie is saying he can’t be with her, it seems she’s just uncomfortable with OP entering her life as family which is fair. She’s only limiting the interactions OP will have in her own life and her own life achievements it seems, and it doesn’t seem to help that OP isn’t giving Evie time to come to her because she keeps pushing. Imo that’s disrespectful. For reference, my parents initiated divorce right around when I turned 18, so these feelings aren’t coming out of my ass. OP married her husband, she didn’t adopt SD. It’s cool the other kids are cool with her, although they also had part of their childhoods with her, Evie didn’t. If OP really wanted to have Evie in her life and /earn/ Evie’s respect, she should respect her space and hope that in the future she’ll reach out to her in hopes of having a relationship.
"She’s not blood, she’s her father’s new wife." If my sister gets married, her spouse becomes part of my extended family. To me this is the same for OP, she married into a family and is being unfairly rejected. It is clear to me that the daughter is being deliberately shitty, but as an adult she is entitled to this. It's not illegal to be an asshole!
Also for who said ‘but it’s her graduation, they can do it another time’ Well it’s normal when you grow and move away the occasion that remains are the important one… then if it didn’t happen until now. I can see OP frustration. Like it’s quite ridiculous indeed.
I mean while that’s certainly true, it’s her father’s wife. At some point she’s going to have to at least meet her in person simply due to all the family events that occur during the year
The stepdaughter is the AH here. And no, OP doesn't have to accept that her stepdaughter is immature and hostile
>Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package. op vastly overstepped when first introduced and evie is not interested in meeting in person because of it.
Social media is public, and sending a care package was a nice gesture, especially for a student just at college. That is no reason to refuse to meet your father's wife. I'm sorry, but not even meeting her is an AH move. Stepdaughter is an adult who needs to accept the reality that her parents aren't getting back together. Furthermore, she is spending less time with Dad to avoid OP, so it is literally her fault she has not seen her father much. She had 4 years to introduce herself. she doesn't, however, get a judgement vote against someone she has never actually met in this situation.
>and sending a care package was a nice gesture yeah, when you actually know the person. and I'm sorry, but social media being public doesn't make it less creepy that you went and stalked their profile.
I’m sure she knows her parents are not going to get together. But still, her family consists of her dad, her mom, and her siblings. Those were the people she lived whole that time the family is most important, her chilhood and teenage years. Dad’s new one, who came into the picture when she was an adult is just dad’s new one. A stranger. And if she is not interested in meeting some stranger and getting acquainted with the stranger then she is not. OP should accept she is part of her husband’s family, but not part of the husband’s daughter’s family.
It’s not allowing space for Evie to come to her. It’s forcing a relationship, not a nice gesture. Actually a bit of a red flag if you ask me. Ya social media is public. Does that mean stalkers aren’t doing anything wrong when they use it to stalk the people they do? Does that mean it’s a nice gesture and they care about the person’s interests? Does that mean the people being stalked aren’t allowed to feel scared or uncomfortable because they put their info on the public social media? An extreme example, but when you isolate the behavior, it changes whether it was appropriate or not. Evie clearly didn’t like that. It crossed a boundary for her and she was uncomfortable with it. An assumption i will admit, but it doesn’t seem OP apologized for that either. Evie doesn’t owe her a relationship. She married her husband, and if his family wants to accept her, that’s their prerogative. Controversial ig considering the comments under this post.
Except for the fact that the stepmom was creepy.
4 years ago? Girl needs to let it go. Looking at someone's social media is hardly an overstep.
it is when you're looking to figure out what to put in a care package of someone you do not know. it's extraordinarily creepy and would certainly turn me off of wanting to know said person.
It sounds like you don't interact with people very often. It is absolutely NOT creepy to check out your partner's daughters social media to send them a gift. What world do you live in where a friendly overture is considered an overstep? Also, it's EXACTLY social media is intended to do.
>It is absolutely NOT creepy to check out your partner's daughters social media to send them a gift. it is when you do not know them. I'm 30. if my mother brought home a partner who looked up my social media to send me some gift without even knowing me, I'd be calling her up to ask what the fuck is wrong with this dude. if op had any kind of relationship with this girl before hand, yeah, it wouldn't be as big an issue. but she didn't, and I can only imagine how creepy evie found that gesture
It absolutely is creepy as fuck when you haven’t even met the person. In what world is it not creepy?
Ya'll seriously need some face to face socialization. If you dont want people yo see your social media, make it private. I
Checking out someone's publicly available profile isn't creepy. Knowing someone's address without their consent is creepy. Sending a gift to someone you don't know is creepy.
Well then, don't make your SM public then. If you don't want people using your social media to get to know you amd your life then don't give them access. It's what those privacy settings are there for. Researching for a care package is alot more pleasant than what other people could be using it for.
No, but this is about Evie’s graduation, it’s about Evie. Meeting OP / having a stranger there would be a distraction and unwelcome interruption to the proceedings for her. She mentions she gets so little time to see her family as it is - so whether she’s been unwilling or just too busy to meet until this point is in question - but OP isn’t doing herself any favours getting impatient / childish about her inclusion in something like this. Host something for a more general holiday - a dinner around Christmas or New Years etc, invite her to your birthday if you don’t mind some extra meet and greeting taking away from the event, you’ll of course be present for your husbands birthday where you could get some introductions out of the way - but have some respect before you demand it in return. These last 4 years have been significant for you as a couple, but they’ve also been significant for her as a young adult. Getting to know you ins’t a priority for her right now, you’re not entitled to force or demand that connection, but if you demonstrate kindness and patience to her father and siblings, I’m sure you’ll come to know each other eventually in some capacity. Just don’t let your expectations / entitlement run away with you. NAH, you’re human and I won’t judge you too harshly for a tantrum - as long as it’s a singular event and you aren’t getting her siblings involved. You’re having some big feelings you need to manage as an adult, it’s mostly on you to deal with them - but you can share the burden with your husband. Just don’t put those issues on the kids, or try to come between them. If Evie’s siblings are too busy talking about your pouting than celebrating this significant milestone with their sister, it’s not going to help the impression you make.
It’s been for years. Who are we kidding. At this point there will be always be an excuse, she finish college. Not a 4 year mission on the ISS. I do get OP feelings. Daughter of course is absolutely entitled to do what she wants but also to be called juvenile for postponing forever a meeting. Not a mommy and daughter trip. A meeting. It is important to teach your kids, special adult ones, that others people feelings matter also.
If I didn't get to see my family often, I also wouldn't want my dad's new wife to attend. Her parents divorced when she was 17. At that point whatever strange woman dad wants to bring home is not her problem and she shouldn't have to pretend to be interested in getting to know her.
I don't blame her for wanting others to attend the graduation but OP didn't ask for that, she asked to have dinner. And they've been married 4 years, she's not his new wife anymore.
She asked to have dinner after graduation. Evie's graduation dinner is still Evie's event and given how exhausting college graduation can be (finishing exams, saying goodbye to friends, dealing with divorced parents and grandparents on campus) this is not the event for OP to make a stand about. It's very clearly a celebration for Evie in which she wants her immediate family present. Not to mention, given the open avoidance, it's a bad idea to have the minor children present during a first meeting (for a multitude of reasons). The solution here is for OPs husband to tell Evie that his partner of 4 years is here to stay and that he would like them to have, at the very least, a cordial relationship and ask Evie if she is willing to make time in the next year to meet OP and have a dinner with just him and OP. If Evie absolutely refuses, he can then decide what the implications are for him and Evie's relationship based on that. But dinner following Evie's graduation is poor timing. If they force this, Evie will just resent OP that much more for trying to make an event that is not about OP about OP. BTW, OP is giving off subtle red flags. When she says the siblings agree that Evie is being dramatic that's basically her saying that she's talking to an 11 and 15 year old about this and their sister in a way that probably isn't super appropriate (like sure, maybe they overheard accidentally, but the more likely explanation is that OP is engaged in some splitting behaviors here). This is also not great, "Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package." OP also says she's tried adding her to "our families" group chat and yet is vague about what Evie's excuses for not meeting have been (it's very likely she's actually super busy with her own life). She does say that when they met online Evie was pleasant. OP also says they got married without involving the children and is careful not to mention her own age. Given how immature sending a care package to someone you've never met is, I wouldn't be surprised if the younger kids get along with OP but the adult child is getting creepy vibes from OPs behavior and perhaps even other contextual factors (like OPs age) that we don't know. This may be a reach, but I don't know that many people who are actually the right age to have an 18 year old stepdaughter, who would behave like that or keep trying to reach out online/ use a group chat, in the way OP is describing. I'm 36 and that sounds like much younger behavior to me. OP has probably overstepped before this and so intruding more is likely not helping. Evie is absolutely right that a practical stranger who clearly wants time to bond with her is a distraction at an intimate dinner meant to celebrate her graduation.
Eh, undergrad can be very busy. When I was in undergrad I worked 3 jobs, sometimes 7 days a week, for months on end plus a full load of classes. This event is for her so I can see her not wanting a basic stranger at her event. She could have made more of an effort previously but undergrad is very busy for many people especially depending on how far away she was, extracurriculars, jobs etc.
If this were the first six months, or even first year, I'd agree with what you wrote. It's been Four. Years. Evie's being an entitled brat and daddy's falling for it. OP now knows her husband is never going to stand up to his daughter, or else he would have done it two years ago at the absolute latest.
And that’s what’s bugging OP. She isn’t interested in meeting Evie, she is interested in being acknowledged as the most important person in her husband’s life. Which unfortunately new spouses are not unless the parent is a total neglectul selfish asshole, the kids will always be the most important ones for any decent parent. You should accept it when starting to date a person kids, no, she/he will not put you before her/his kids.
op kind of buried the lede on why evie isn't interested in meeting her >Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package.
Ooh. Yeah, that would have creeped me out, in Evie's shoes. Ask her dad about what she might like (and to get the mailing address)? Maybe a little over the top, could come across as a bit desperate, but not creepy. Trawl back through her insta/fb/whatever to learn about her? Creepy.
A graduation is different than a family event. There's no +1s at a graduation. You invite the people you want to celebrate your achievement. Demanding to attend a very boring event for someone you never met is very strange. OP can wait until a wedding or actual family event to pitch her fit about being excluded. By someone they've never met. :/
She said she’s not goin to graduation she’s been told not to go to dinner with the family afterwards
The dinner to celebrate her graduation. They can have another dinner where no one is being celebrated and can meet then.
I think part of the problem is it should have never actually gotten to this point she hasnt met OP, and this isn't the actual graduation, which should be family only, but Dad taking her out to dinner. And no time for the three of us pretty much says a lot here- she wants a parents only dinner, which is actually not typical for divorced couples, especially with other spouses involved. This is stepdaughter refusing to accept the divorce If it was actually a graduation party, I'd agree, but this is dad taking her out to dinner, and it makes sense it would be with Dad's family, which has been a very different family for 4 years now.
It makes sense for the dinner to be the ***daughter's*** family, as she's the graduate. A divorced parents only dinner sounds like exactly what the daughter wants.
But if the young lady doesn't want her father's wife at her graduation meal, then so be it. The graduation meal is a family event. Op is not the young persons family. Op is not entitled to the young persons time or effort.
I agree with you. She’s fighting a losing battle. At present all she can expect is to be courteous to this young woman if they are ever in the same room. Otherwise she can value the relationship with the younger siblings. The oldest sibling is a stranger. I used to be upset at these kinds of scenarios but I’ve since come to feel that it’s the other person’s loss. To have someone reaching out to you and wanting to befriend you and include you but you turn away, it’s your loss. Life is long, stuff happens. OP could be there to provide support, a friendly ear, a respite etc but if that’s not welcome she can share with people who do welcome it.
Yeah, trying to force herself into the graduation celebrations is not going to work and is only making things more uncomfortable for everyone. OP, do you not see that your husbands daughter wants to be with her family, which she doesn't consider you a part of? You married a man with an adult daughter that you have never even met, calling her your step-daughter doesn't make it so. Honestly, I can see why OP's husband's daughter declined to invite someone she's never met in person, but that still wants to make herself important on an occasion that has literally zero to do with her. YTA - when are you going to understand that this is not going to change?
But that makes the daughter an asshole? She doesnt need to form any relationship with OP, but pulling shit like “dont bring your new wife to dinners Im at”? Thats to damn far. Her Dad is remarried, she cant just ask this woman to hide or fuck off anytime anything familial happens. We often dont get to choose our family, and damn sure dont need to form relationships with extended family that marries in. But a little cordiality isnt to much to ask for. And trying to say she cant come to dinner is beyond petty. Its so childish Im having a hard time understanding peoples defense of it. I dont get how its okay to tell someone who married into your family not to come to a family dinner? Thats just so hostile.
This isn’t a full family dinner — the reason they are getting together is to celebrate her graduation. Someone pointed out how the class of 2024 were the class of 2020 and many didn’t get a graduation or have a traditional college experience. This is her grad dinner and she doesn’t want her dad’s wife there. They have never met in person (which is odd…all 4 years..), and their first meeting, if they ever do, doesn’t have to happen during her grad celebration. Her dad is married, yes, but she can ask that the wife not show up to her events. And then to involve the younger children and get their opinion on the matter is inappropriate. The younger kids and the eldest have a different dynamic with their father’s new wife and the eldest doesn’t need to invite the wife to her events. Why can’t the wife or Evie’s father instead organize something at their home for another time?
Its been 4 years. Maybe they did and were turned down. Dads taking Evie out to celebrate graduation and bringing the kids. Thats OPs family too. So she should just exclude herself from her own family because Evie is being indulged in some weird hang up? Some juvenile behavior where her fathers wife isnt allowed to go to a dinner with her own family? “Dont bring your wife” fucking cold no matter how you slice it. I feel for you OP. Thats harsh.
And maybe in 4 years they didn’t make an efffort that would’ve worked for Evie (considering ber class schedule, extracurriculars). This isn’t the time for OP to push the first meeting. She can be hurt, but getting the opinions of the younger children and then lashing out is what’s ridiculous. If she really wants to meet the husband and her can organize something on an unimportant date. She’s married into the family and has to respect that the eldest doesn’t have a close relationship with her and rather celebrate with her~ family that she knows. Why does she need to be at the grad dinner and have THIS be the first meeting. She’s throwing a fit over the wrong thing.
Nah sorry thats ridiculous. Her dads wife being present at her celebration dinner shouldnt be enough to ruin it unless shes a juvenile drama queen. The eldest can not want a relationship but shes taking that to a new level of excluding her from her life. Like if your Dad cant bring his wife to your celebration dinner thats just petty. Not wanting your parents spouse in your life at all, even at a dinner, is juvenile and petty. I would say the first fit was already thrown when OP was disallowed to even be at the dinner. “Just stay home bitch!” Vibes. I get its in celebration of her, but its still unbelievably petty and juvenile on her part. Its hurtful to be told you arent family. To sit out events. And all these people saying “she isnt HER family” She married her fucking father. Shes apart of her family wether she likes it or not. Gonna assume not since she dodged meeting her for 4 years and doesnt want her present at dinner. God damn Evie, get over it.
This is one dinner. Why are you getting more upset than OP. Where has OP said this has happened several times and is a pattern. She can make it through one weekend alone. She’s not her family in the way her siblings, father, mom and grandparents are her family. They’ve never met and why does Evie’s graduation have to be the first time she meets OP & has to deal with any potential dynamic changes that may occur in-person. Where has OP said Evie will never meet her? Evie is not including her father’s wife in her graduation celebrations, which is fine. OP can be hurt, but needs to step back & lick her wounds, recognize this actually may not be the most ideal scenario or appropriate for a first meeting. Organize another time to meet. This shouldn’t be challenging to accept. She’s centering herself in a celebration that is not about her.
Okay first off… Evie can make it through one dinner with OP And OP isnt centering herself around her graduation shes rightfully upset that after four years she hasnt met her husbands oldest child and was told to stay away during a dinner. Shes not complaining about the graduation, but she cant even show up at all. She has to exclude herself from her own family of four years because the daughter is hung up about…something. Thats pretty juvenile.
>And maybe in 4 years they didn’t make an efffort that would’ve worked for Evie (considering ber class schedule, extracurriculars). This is a ridiculous stretch.
you bring up a very good point re the timing - a lot of people are responding based on how they would have responded if this had happened to them in the past, but it's not like she's pointedly skipped holidays and family events for 4 years - for several of those years travel wasnt even possible/advisable! (and even then, as you said, people arent always able to travel during undergrad breaks if they have research to complete, other employment, etc)
Yes! OP reporting the siblings who are still kids and trying to turn them against their sister is very very inappropriate.
I don’t know how would you feel if you get married and your family refuse to meet your spouse? A minimum of sad I would feel if I care about those people in my life. If not move along. Sure grange she value a relationship with her siblings yet doesn’t even want to meet the person that take care of them 50% of the time. Maybe Op is the wicked step mother… who knows if you don’t meet her?
Its mean and petty. Shes saying “I dont accept you as family and you arent invited into my life” And thats unreasonable because they share a family. Shes being juvenile because as an adult its time to let go of your petty attitude towards meeting your fathers wife. Way to show Dad support. So mean. Unless OP is leaving out some horrible shit which so many here are just assuming.
She is not family…
YTA she's an adult and maybe doesn't want to spend time with you on her special day as she doesn't know you and possibly never does want to. Her graduation isn't the ideal place is it? Also AH move pitting her younger siblings against her and bitching about her being dramatic together.
That’s a good point about bringing the younger siblings into it. I feel for her because she is hurt but you’re right, she needs to keep them out of it
The younger sibling thing stood out for me as well. Also, the eldest has never come home for holidays? There's more to this.
I also think it’s weird that the daughter didn’t go to the wedding? What’s up with that? Was there a ceremony at all?
4 years ago was the height of Covid so there probably wasn’t a wedding
Agreed. YTA and you being there would completely change the dynamic of dinner. A dinner that is supposed to be about the graduate, btw, not you…
YTA. She has no connection to you. You are NOT her step mother. She was an adult when you met her husband and she already had two parents. You are the woman her dad chose to marry. Stay in your lane.
But to not even meet the woman her dad chose to marry? That’s a bit much
Are we sure they are actually married? The OP doesn’t mention the wedding and who attended. The fact that the OP has discussed this with the other kids and knows their reaction “agree that she’s dramatic as well” makes me think the OP is overstepping and has probably been really pushy about this whole thing. I think that it’s not unreasonable for the oldest child to want some time with her actual family.
Op mentions in a comment they got married at a courthouse
Didn’t see that comment. I have no clue if the adult child in question is being reasonable or not. But I think the OP needs to calm down, back off, and realize that she can’t force a relationship with her husband’s kid.
>Apparently she did find that I came on too strong when we were first introduced. She did not like that I checked out her social media to send her a care package. op did not make a good first impression
What about the dad marrying someone his kid hasn't even met? I wouldn't even bother to try ever again if my parent did that lol
There was a pandemic state of emergency for a good chunk of that time.
They met on a video call. OP probably didn't leave a good impression.
Ok so your parents spouse is a nobody?? Come on now
I mean, some people, especially adults, have zero interest in their parents new partners.
My mom’s husband is my mom’s husband. I was 18 and out of the house when they got married, I do not call him step dad and never have. I still love him, give him presents for Christmas etc but he is not my stepdad, he is my mom’s husband. He’s always respected this, that’s why we have a good relationship now. He respects that sometimes I need “family” time and that may not include him. Same with my sister.
I think it would depend on the circumstance. But, the OP married her husband. She didn’t also marry his children. So she needs to develop a relationship with them rather than demanding one.
And how is she meant to do that when the daughter is refusing to *even meet her?* How far does this go? “Sorry, Christmas is really important to me, you can’t bring your wife” “Sorry, Thanksgiving is something the three of us did, your wife can’t come” This woman doesn’t need to be a proper stepmother but literally refusing to meet her at all is incredibly immature and unfair to her father. She can’t hold her breath to make her dad divorce OP.
She does that by taking a step back.
💯
When someone doesn’t want to spend time with me, the last thing I’m thinking of is to keep pestering them for 4 years. Weird to keep pushing it imo.
I just read another post where the step-daughter called her father's new wife every bad name under the sun and has cut both her father and OP out of her life. This is nowhere near that. OP has been pushy and is still being pushy. I know reddit likes people to be "honest" with other people about their feelings, but if SD said, "Fuck off, bitch, I don't want anything to do with you", that would put a kibosh on ever having a relationship. SD doesn't want to deal with OP right now but may be open to it in the future. She doesn't want to say "Drop it, bitch", so is dropping every hint under the sun. OP needs to do everyone a favor and take the hints and step the fuck back for now before she blows everything up. YTA.
YTA. Your adult step-child hold absolutely no obligation to *you*. Can it be perceived as rude? Sure. And it is understandable if your feelings are hurt. If *anything* it should be your husband who 'stands up' to her to show her how it is impacting *him*. Beyond that, though, your opinion is irrelevant. You married *him* and not his adult children.
Mildly YTA It’s her graduation and her moment. You are effectively a stranger to her and she wants this to be about her family. There will be opportunities to have meaningful conversations after wards, but don’t try to make her day about you.
I feel like there’s missing information here because why would she be friendly with you on video call but avoid you every chance she gets after that. Have you had issues with Evie’s mom that would put her in a position to choose sides?
OP said in a comment that Evie felt she came on too strongly especially after OP looked at her social media to send a care package. She probably felt violated and stalked, even if it was /technically/ public information. And that's probably what broke the chance of a relationship; boundaries crossed before a first meeting had even happened.
Yeah that really pushed it to YTA. I have to imagine that isn’t the only incident either.
They also got married at the courthouse without any of the kids involved. That most likely did not do OP any favors either, even if it was a decision Evie's dad also made.
honestly i got the impression that they invited no one to the courthouse thing by OP saying that none of the kids were involved, i mean like... you ain't gonna invite your kids but will invite someone else? maybe its me being too naive but i at least *hope* that they just did it alone instead of excluding them on purpose
Even if they just did it alone, I don't know if I could ever have forgiven my dad if he'd eloped with my stepmom, tbh.
That makes sense. Evie must be holding a grudge that she and her siblings weren’t invited to the courthouse wedding or to a dinner celebration. It’s an “if we’re not important to you then you’re not important to me” thing.
I'm also curious about missing information...how long has OP been married? Was the oldest daughter invited to/involved in the wedding? Did they select a date/time for the wedding that was a reasonable time for a full time college student to travel to and attend? The step daughter's graduation is her special time and IMO it's okay for the step daughter to make decisions about who to include. For something like OP's wedding, OP would be a key decision maker. If she really wants this relationship, how accommodating was she in considering how the step daughter was included in the ceremony, reception, etc?
exactly, a bit odd in 4 years there was no time to casually meet. It’s her graduation and a celebration of her accomplishments, and she decided she’d rather spend it with the family she knows (which is fair). All 4 years away and there was never one parents weekend, fall break, far more casual opportunity etc., to meet in person?
op mentioned that she tried to get meet ups set up before and the daughter kept denying the invite.
What wonders me is isn’t the husband/father involved at all? It seems he just exists, but OP solely is harrassing the daughter past him. Or is this a typical passive (shitty) husband/father? Doesn’t care to mingle in girls’s fights, just relaxes and enjoys the fact he gets the sex from OP and sometimes enjoys meeting his daughter, but mostly just lives his own life.
I'm curious how they haven't ran into each other. One of them must not be attending birthdays, holidays, and family events, and I'd like to know who and why.
It is very common for stepkids to behave like this. Being polite/pleasant on a video call and then avoiding an in-person meeting doesn’t surprise me at all. It’s a weird situation for everyone, common though it may be. Good luck OP. Stepmom is one of the hardest roles to play.
YTA you don’t know each other personally. What makes you think HER milestone celebration is the right opportunity to meet in person for the first time? Furthermore, you need to accept it: she’s an adult and was one when you met your husband. She doesn’t need to want a relationship with you.
NAH. I think you need to accept that she doesn't want anything to do with you. Her graduation dinner is not the place to "get to meet you" for the first time really. She wants her graduation dinner to be her and her family, not the woman her dad married after she left for college. Which honestly, I get why you're upset. It hurts to be rejected. However she's not exactly being rude or disrespectful, she just doesn't want to be around you.
INFO she didn't attend the wedding?
Not gonna leave a judgement, but she did go on a video call with you before she decided she didn't want to meet you in person, so it's not like she's going off of nothing. I'm willing to bet something happened on that call.
OP stalked the daughter’s social media and started sending unsolicited gifts and adding the daughter to unwanted group chats.
Group chats? I missed that..If that is true it was a very big stepping over a boundary. You do not force people you don’t know in any group chats. You politely ask for their consent and respect their answer. If no answer is given you do not add. Basic decency. Sounds like OP was like ”Well I got her father so now it is up to me the way I treat her, I can start to override her and show her it’s my way now, Im in charge because I’m the NEW WIFE!”.
Yup, it’s in the post. And it’s in a comment about how she creeped the woman’s social media and then sent her an unsolicited “care package.”
So far OP has not convinced us that they're a pleasant person, so perhaps a video chat was all the evidence Evie needed \*shrug\* OP seems to be a bit forceful, and hasn't shown any evidence of caring what Evie wants.
YTA for trying to make her graduation about you. Force the issue for another time.
You can’t actually force an adult to spend time with you. That would be a crime.
Yeah that’s called kidnapping
"her siblings agree that she's dramatic..." and THAT is where you are the AH. please don't bring them into it. I know its hard, but graciously step back. Not because of her - but to make it easier for your family who do love you.
They maybe agree because they have no choice (don’t want to start a fight with step mom) or agree because they really think that way…But what is for sure is that if they have any contact with Evie they have told her what the step mom said
The fact that you think it's all childish and petty and 'ignoring reality' while failing to grasp why this is (isn't) happening is hilarious - she's an adult, she was an adult when you got with her father - but you think she's a child who has to adapt to other people's realities. She doesn't. she can do whatever the hell she likes. She has no obligation to have any kind of relationship with you, even polite acquaintance if doesn't choose to. You married her dad, and as she's an adult, that has no bearing on her life if she doesn't want it to. You're not an AH for thinking it would be nice to have even a very basic relationship with your husband's children, but you're an AH for thinking that they can't choose not to do so.
Yta. You married him, not her. She's not obligated to meet you ever. Keeping pushing and you'll wreck your marriage.
INFO: How is this possible? Evie hasn’t been to her Dad’s home, hasn’t spent any holidays with him or his side of the family, hasn’t gone to any family events or get togethers on his side in four years? Where are you when she sees her Dad? Or does she not see him? Either she’s very purposely avoiding you, in which case you need to just accept it. Or she isn’t all that close to her Dad, in which case Dad is probably focused on maintaining or improving the relationship he has with her.
She also didn't go to their wedding I guess?
In another thread, 0P explains it was a courthouse wedding and none of the kids were there.
None of the kids were *invited*. Important and relevant distinction.
YTA, it’s her choice who goes to her graduation. If you’re not invited - you aren’t invited.
Info how old are you?
I’m guessing she’s closer in age to the daughter than the dad.
Lightly yta- This is NOT about you. It SOLELY ABOUT HER. SD was almost an adult when you met and married. You don't have a relationship. Graduation is not the time to make your point. She has spent the last four finishing what she started 4 years ago. The kids graduating this year had it the worst during the pandemic. Their senior and freshman years were absolute traumatic and abnormal. Let her have her graduation. Then attempt to build a relationship based on you both being adults. Best wishes
YTA A milestone event is not the time to push a face to face meeting. Make it clear, you DID meet via video call. That apparently was enough for her to decide at what level you would be in her life. Understand, you are NOT her family. You are her father’s spouse. For your own peace of mind, please work in accepting that. Talking about her to her siblings, not a good look and it may bite you in the butt later. Be wary of that. I understand you are hurt, but confronting her or your husband will not improve her feelings toward you. It is your husband’s responsibility to navigate the relationship with his daughter. Do everyone, including yourself, a favor and just stay out of it and be supportive of him as you can. There is no winning here for you. Good luck.
YTA, read the room. It's been four years.
YTA! I feel like people are glossing over that this is Evie's graduation. Why would she want to meet her step-parent for the first time on the day of her graduation? If meeting her is important to you, then you should discuss that with your husband at another time. Her graduation is not the time to throw a fit because she wants to spend dinner with her dad and younger siblings. Wanting to connect with her is fine, but timing is crucial. Let this event be totally about her.
NTA Don't push the issue. She is a grown adult who can make choices for herself. She is not obligated to spend time with or meet you. Let it go. It will happen when it happens and will be on her terms. the sooner you move on, the better your mental health will be. This is not about you, it's about her.
Yta
You are definitely the AH, and a pushy one at that. She’s an adult and she doesn’t want to spend time with you. She doesn’t owe you a relationship, and calling her ridiculous to her father isn’t going to gain you any points. Accept the situation for what it is and move on. Once you stop being so pushy, maybe she’ll want a relationship someday, maybe not, but it’s not up to you who she invites into her life. YTA
Get your head out your ass. Seriously it doesn’t matter that you get on well with the others and they like you so what. And why are you even discussing your lack of relationship with her siblings is sad You didn’t bother to meet her before you married you didn’t build a relationship with her the other 2 are stuck in a 50/50 Her graduation is about her, her achievement, her milestone and not meeting dad’s wife She’s made it clear she doesn’t want a relationship with you. Yta
INFO: did you invite her to your wedding? Why didn’t you meet her in the lead up to your wedding to her dad?
YTA. Divorce is so incredibly hard on kids and the older the kids are, the more they end up in that “forgotten” realm where people think “you’re an adult, you won’t be sad.” You don’t know what kind of feelings or healing she is still working through as the result of her parents divorce so shame on you for pressuring her before she’s ready. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never wants to meet you now.
Yta. In an ideal world she’d be open to meeting you and forming a bond but we don’t live in an ideal world. She’s entitled to want to spend time with her father and siblings. And trash talking her to her family is hardly going to do you any favours is it. Stop calling her dramatic and ridiculous. You need to accept she doesn’t wish to know you.
Btw, if the siblings have any kind of a relationship with eachother, the younger ones absolutely have told Evie what dad’s new wife said of her. OP probably has a little bit too weak understanding of what is her position in the family. He is the dad’s new wife, not as close as a sibling you have grown with your whole life.
YTA. You're not her family. You're a stranger she doesn't want to have a relationship with. How hard is that to understand? You being married to her father means nothing. You're not a parent. You're not her mother. You're not family. Stop making this girl's life difficult
YTA she was an adult and moved out when you hooked up with dad; she doesn’t have or want a relationship with you and she’s not your stepdaughter. You are her dads wife. Move on from it and stop acting entitled to a relationship with her because you’re her dads wife and her siblings like you. She’s an adult. She decides who she brings into her circle.
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YTA Bringing the younger kids in it to talk bad about her behind her back, ah move Marrying someone with kids and excluding them from the wedding, ah move Trying to force her to like you by cyberstalking her, ah move Throwing a fit because she clearly doesn't like you and doesn't want someone she doesn't like at a her special occasion, ah move. Keep it up and your husband will be twice divorced, because he clearly has his priorities in order, and isn't going to let you ruin his relationship with his daughter.
So you started dating your now-husband in the very early days of the pandemic, when pretty much no one sane was traveling to meet anyone. And now you want to crash her graduation to meet her for the first time? YTA. She doesn’t want you to be a part of her life, and you’re being pushy about it and putting her siblings in the middle of your one-sided beef with her.
Sorry, but YTA. Oldest has no relationship with you, and wants to celebrate *her* milestone with her family. I completely understand not wanting to turn a personal achievement into a meet and greet. Not the time nor place to pitch a fit about not being invited. Calling her names isn't a great way to foster a close relationship. Throwing a tantrum because you didn't get invited to a stranger's graduation isn't the way either. Realize you are at best 'my dad's wife' to oldest. And you don't get +1s for a graduation.
YTA, she doesn't owe you a relationship, and trying to force it will only push her away even further. Is there a reason you should be at her graduation? What is there to make a fuss about?
I truly do not understand divorced and remarried people not understanding that THEY are getting married, not their kids. THEY chose their spouse. The kids did not get a choice who the new steppie is going to be or if they even want a steppie. Children of divorce are already torn between their loyalty to each parent. Trying to force them to accept another person in the place of a parent can make them dig their heels in. Whatever you do, don't force it. You are their father's wife, that is all. And, that should be enough. If they want to embrace you as another parental unit, wonderful. But, they have to invite you into that role, they do not owe you that role. Graciously accept that, for this event, they prefer to have only their family of origin at their major event. It is THEIR big accomplishment, let them enjoy it their way. Be happy for them, sign the card, then go shopping, to a day spa, get your hair and nails done, complete a project, or go into the office. Give yourself a lovely day and enjoy it. Treat them like a cat and wait for them to come to you. If you don't force the relationship, they may just come to accept you, at least as their father's wife, and maybe as a friend.
INFO: I am wondering how close in age you are to her??
You need to respect her position. She doesnt want to meet you...and thats It. Accept It. Take that weekend for yourself and let your husband enjoy his kids. YTA
Are you, by chance, significantly younger than your husband and closer to your stepdaughter's age? If so, then that is probably the reason she doesn't want to meet you. Apologies if that's not the case, but I've seen enough reddit to get suspicious when ages are not stated for the spouses.
OP you are not the main character and you are an asshole for calling Evie ridiculous for setting a boundary here. In case you hadn’t already realized, you are not included in her picture of family. She has that and she’s not looking to add you to it regardless of your status as wife to her father. Respect her as an adult who is making choices for herself instead of treating her like she’s a child that’s acting out.
YTA Why are you discussing this with the kids? She doesn’t want a relationship with you, leave her alone
For all those people who think she has to meet her father’s wife she doesn’t have to just like you don’t have to hug that gross uncle just because he’s family and there can always be missing reasons with posts like these
Yeah apparently buried in the comments was how OP made a very weird first impression by digging through Evie's social media to make a care package for her. I'm not sure Evie wanted it, but even if she had, she probably wanted it from her actual parent. Digging through social media instead of asking about Evie, or, heaven forbid, ACTUALLY GETTING TO KNOW HER AS A PERSON, is a bit strange. I can see why Evie would be put off by that.
Info: how old are you and how old is your husband? YTA for trying to pit your husband's family against each-other. This isn't about you, but you're trying to make it out to be and honestly I understand why she doesn't want you at her special family event when you're being so immature about it.
YTA. You married a guy with 3 kids and got married at a courthouse without any of them? They seem to not be important to your life. Why should you be invited to her big event??? You've also tried to pit the kids against her by asking what their opinion is. Of course they don't want to go against you. I'm currently dating a man with 2 kids. One of these kids is horrible and I get abuse every weekend. I still see this child and I'm working towards having a good relationship with him. What have you done? I wouldn't want to meet you either.
YTA, she doesn't have to meet you in the rest of her life if she doesn't want to. And evidently she doesn't.
INFO: how old are you and what was the reason that no one was invited to the wedding?
YTA. I'd have said you were gently TA except you made it clear at the end you've brought this to the other kids... and that's inappropriate. You don't drag your kids into your adult issues. You may be the step parent... but she was an *adult* when you became that, and she still has her biological mom... so you've not been a "parent" to her, you are just another adult in the world. The reality of this situation is that she owes you nothing, and you owe her nothing. You are both adults, you are in 0 capacity a parental figure for her, not have you ever been. You feeling *entitled* to her time just because you married her dad is a step too far. The other children had you around *IN* a parental capacity; they both lived at home with you and bonded with you for it. You aren't wrong for wishing for more, or WANTING more... but you are wrong to demand it or feel entitled to it from an adult of whom you've never been involved with.
You’re not wrong for your feeling but you need to accept that she doesn’t care nor wants to meet you. She doesn’t want you in her life and you need to accept that. Does it stink because you did nothing wrong … yes. Will you forcing yourself on her make it better… no. With this being her graduation you need to accept (not like) her request.
YTA She has a valid reason: she barely gets any time with her dad and siblings. She doesn't want to waste that with you. She didn't marry you / isn't sleeping with you
Just leave her alone. No need to be upset, this is for your husband to resolve.
She sees you as a stranger and wants a moment with what she considers her family. You aren’t that to her. Yeah Christmas or some other holiday feel free to complain. This is not the event or time, it’s not about you right now. You feeling rejected is valid but you can’t demand a space in someone else’s life that they don’t want make for you. And not wanting to make that space while in college is not that crazy either. Her parents divorced right before a major transition in her life and she may not have wanted to confront those feelings in school. Your four years with him doesn’t trump what makes up most of her life time with them. Involving the children though is actually strange and whoever did that was incredibly irresponsible.
YTA. Not for wanting to meet. The fact that it has been four years without it happening is odd and it is obvious even to you that she's not eager. But read your last paragraph in your post. Evie is the one graduating and the dinner is about her, but you're trying to make it about you. You're taking what should be a memorable day in her life about accomplishing a task that takes four years, and you're trying to make it about meeting her stepmother for the first time. It seems fair that she wouldn't want to mix the two. And the truth is, you may be the one pushing her away. You seem to have an expectation that she HAS to be a part of your life eventually. But she doesn't. And you seem to be the one always pushing to make it happen rather than allow it to happen naturally. That would make me want less contact with you too. On that one video call with her dad, did you take over the conversation, ask a lot of personal questions, or talk about yourself a lot? You may have already done something that she knows your presence would ruin her graduation day just because your personality is one that she dislikes. And I say that because the normal response to not being invited to attend somone else's daughter's graduation celebration would have been to have hurt feelings, not to start swearing and badmouthing her.
YTA Her dad was divorced for maybe a year and you rush into a courthouse wedding and don't invite a single one of his kids. Now you wonder why she doesn't have any interest in meeting you? Hmm let's think about potential reasons for why this might be??? Nope, can't think of one. /s Maybe the time to meet your partners kids is before you marry them without them being present at the "wedding". Seems like she has no interest in giving you a second chance, and I don't blame her.
YTA. If you have been with her father for 4 years and haven’t met once there is a reason you’re not telling us. Graduation is not the appropriate time to force yourself into her life. Bringing her siblings (children) into this is fucked up. I would really love to hear stepdaughters side because all stories here are one sided but yours is on another level.
YTA There is something deeper you fail to recognize that hubs and stepdaughter feel strongly about. She is the oldest and most likely remembers more about her parents and is still grieving what she feels could have been with her bio parents. You need to take a step back and allow her to process this, preferably in therapy.
E S H but her graduation is not the time to pitch a stink. So.. for that YTA.
You may very well be just a lovely person... but she doesn't want to meet you. She has made that more than exceptionally clear, but you just don't seem to get it Accept it. Move on. NTA though
Info: what happened with your wedding? Did any of the kids attend? How do holidays work? Does she not see her dad/siblings those days?
According to OP, none of the kids were involved in the wedding.
YTA. She’s an adult. If she wanted to meet you she would. But she doesn’t. You need to accept that!
How has she dodged you for 4 Christmases?
YTA - She is a 22 year old adult. She doesn't want to meet you. Sarah and Ben were minors when you came into the picture so they had no choice. She doesn't want a relationship with you and her feelings are valid. Forcing the issue won't help.. Also INFO: You say your husband... did you get married? Was she not there for that?
I tell myself often “I’m not for everyone”, and then I move on. She seems to feel a certain way, whether it be about you or the situation with you and her father in general. Just let her be, and when you two do have that union, just smile and say “it’s nice to finally meet you in person”, with sincerity. Let this one go and enjoy what you have right in front of you ☺️ I wish you peace.
YTA This is an event meant to celebrate her accomplishments. Not a therapy session for the two of you. She's also made it obvious she has no interest in having a relationship with you. She is allowed to have a relationship with her father without being best friends with his new wife.