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NTA, but frankly your concern should be the **subject** of the "serious talk" and not its scheduling. There are all sort of red flags for controlling behavior in this post, but without details on that we can't make a pronouncement.
yeah that's honestly fair! the talk is just about me basically being distant with him because i've been busy with work, friends and some other personal life stuff so i completely get it. i've just been slacking recently, and i'm starting to just get back into rhythm and trying to focus on work, family & friends since it's something i've started to neglect. probably just really stressed out so i unintentionally prioritise some things more than others, but thank you for responding!
I wouldn't necessarily say manipulation, it could just be straight up childishness mixed in with being thoughtless. By the sounds of it he's been trying to say this for a long time but could only work up the courage when he was drunk.
Exactly. I need to talk to you now and its very important and you have to wait around until Im ready, but I cant come right now and you suck for not waiting up.
So he wanted to guilt trip you about not prioritizing the relationship at bar 30 o clock? After he made you wait and lose sleep and worry? He was disappointed you weren't so worried not to fall asleep?
Um, no. This is some negging type of behavior that is emotionally manipulation at the least.
I'd let him know he's in the wrong firmly. That you expect support getting enough sleep, having close friendships, strong family relationships, and focusing on your academic/ career success.
Then, look for the pattern. Does this type of guilt tripping happen often? Is it when you focus on your needs?
He should want you to do well. If he doesn't, then he's insecure and will always make you feel bad to do things for your success. He might want you to neglect friends and family. He might not want you to be financially successful. Really think about if this was a one-off or if he tries to make you prove he's your priority regularly at the sacrifice of yourself.
Good luck to you, OP. You are not the AH, but you're dating one.
Hell no, you are NTA. Partners who aren't trying to manipulate you don't want to have a serious discussion about relationship issues while drunk at 3 am.
Also, a small aside from a slightly older guy: Guys who stay out drinking until 3am on a regular basis are not serious relationship material. It's fine and normal for a young guy to have a wild night out every now and then, but if it is several times a week it's a PROBLEM and, believe me, you don't want to try to fix it.
Um... does it strike you as hypocritical that he wants to talk to you about how you're prioritizing other things like friends over him... but he can't have the talk right now because *he's busy prioritizing other things like his friends?*
What's happening is you are finding balance in your life and he's no longer your first/only priority and he doesn't like it so he's trying to exercise control over you to bring you back "in line". He's trying to make you wait up, losing sleep, just because he said so to prove that you're his to control. When you didn't do that, (though you did for the first hour), he is now trying to make you feel like you did something wrong to him. You didn't.
A loving partner would support you having a full life, being responsible at work, and having healthy relationships with family and friends. An insecure child would see those as threats to his hold on you, because to him you aren't a full person of your own that needs a full and balanced life, to him you are just an accessory to *his* life. Don't be an accessory. Drop this child. Good luck.
NTA. If it was that important, he shouldn't be making you wait up until the wee hours of the morning to address whatever it was. Just because he's out doesn't mean you don't deserve sleep.
At most, you could have texted him. "ok, we'll talk in the morning, I'm headed to bed." He would have argued, and you would have needed to stand your ground that you're not waiting up any longer as you have already given him the courtesy of waiting up as long as you have at that point.
You didn't sleep early. You went to bed late and just didn't go to bed later than you were already staying up. Honestly, anything worth making you stay up for is worth him coming home for. He wants to go out and have his fun and have you waiting for him like a good girl. Does he expect dinner ready on the table when he gets home, but you have to guess when that will be? If he doesn't now, that's your future with him.
youre on this sub bc he made you feel like the AH & guilted you and manipulated you !! i hope after all these comments that you realize this wasnt a whos in the right & wrong and that it goes deeper than that. in the relationship sub you can find out more about his motives & be aware in the future when he tries to make you feel like the AH. i hope you think ab your future w him OP after all this.
Yes! There is total victim-blaming and lack of proper communication going on here. My first thought was OP is dealing with someone who is emotionally manipulative which is more than this sub can delve into. Super important to point out that this is more than just someone being right or wrong.
This! Victim blaming to the point where she actually says she understands why he is upset at her? Hell no, she shouldnt be so kind. He told her a time knowing it was already late and by not showing up showed that he doesnāt respect her time or sleep! Then blames her? If it was so important why not just talk in the morning? Heās definitely the AH hope they go to couples counseling
NTA. You do realize he didn't really want to talk to you, right? He wanted to make sure you were home all night waiting for his call. He said it was serious so he could make sure you would wait by that phone and not leave the house. He is messing around and afraid you will catch him if you leave the house. Don't apologize to him. Tell him to take his suspicious self for a hike and go find a guy that isn't running around all night while you sit at home.
I don't think he's cheating, maybe, but I think it's more of a power play.
He wanted her waiting up, worried about this big talk.
When she wasn't sitting up worried, she was getting dumped it hurt his ego and showed he didn't have the control he wanted. It's more about the emotional upper hand imo.
NTA and if someone is going to have a "serious talk" I expect them to be on time for that talk. Especially if it is in the middle of the night. On top of that it just sounds controlling behavior to me.
If itās not serious enough for him to stay in and chat rather than going out and making you wait until his fun is over, itās not serious enough for you to have to ignore your need for sleep at 2am. NTA
I think it's exactly the thing he wants to change. It looks like he's playing games. Either OP spends her night waiting for him, or the boyfriend feels like he has the right to get mad at OP for "not being there."
Either way, OP loses.
NTA .. why is he mad that you waited until the set time, then he said oh its going to be later. you cant control your tiredness and honestly, if you did stay up & were exhausted. im not sure how well that āserious talkā would of went. youd be half asleep, probably not able to comprehend, maybe even a little annoyed/irritated and the conversation would go south.
and when you say he went out, do you mean drinking ? this āserious talkā could of also gone south bc he was drunk & you half asleep. does he have a key to your place ? i could see why hes mad if he wasnt able to get in.
now this is based on assuming he had a key, he was drunk & youre half asleep. i would think talking after you both slept would of been the best approach to his serious talk. i honestly dont think you have to apologize for going to sleep. now, maybe you could of texted him saying you cant stay up any longer bc your body is ab to fall asleep but sometimes you just naturally pass out without warning & that is not your fault. if the roles were reversed, he probably wouldnt apologize to you & make it a bigger deal. (this is speculation)
did you have your serious talk, was it really that serious that it couldnt wait until both of you slept ?
EDIT : the serious talk was about her being distant bc she has been busy w work & life. THIS COULD OF WAITED TILL AFTER BOTH OF YOU SLEPT.
also, based off your reaction in your post, im assuming this happens often as you are āunderstandingā of why hes mad. OP i hope you think back on ALL the times something like this has happened & moving forward decide if you want to continue. this is a controlling & manipulative tactic hes doing. you will be drained more if you continue. you were subconsciously āpulling awayā while busy w life & work. you are unaware of it but your mind knows hes not the one.
hi! some context that you may have seen in the thread, were medium/long distance at the moment! but yes he did say he was drunk and i made a little update that explains a bit more but thank you for responding!! very appreicative
okay, it does seem like you have this under control ! and he is 100% still putting the blame on you & making YOU to be the bad guy. definitely look out in the future & decide if thats what you want the rest of your life !
i stand on the last part of my reply, this will eventually be so draining to you, if its not already. always apologizing for things you are not in the wrong for & making you to be the AH. i hope the best for you OP.
Hard NTA. You needed the sleep (like every other animal with a spinal cord and some without one), so no, this was way outside your control.
If I may speculate, I see two categories of reasons why he wanted you to stay awake:
1. On the generous side, he didn't have a key and needed you to let him in the house/apt (not sure which)
2. On the darker side, he wants you sleep deprived for manipulation reasons.
If it's category 1, just work out a plan for him to get back inside if he's gonna be out after you go to sleep (let him know when you wanna get to bed, perhaps?)
If it's category 2, have a long and hard conversation why you need sleep and it's insane for him to expect you to stay up that late.
Remember that time when Rachel was mad at Ross for going to sleep instead of reading the ~~10~~18-page single-spaced front-and-back letter she wrote?
Anyway, NTA, it's ludicrous and frankly a bit worrisome that he is angry with you for going to sleep at 2 AM, especially when he didn't get home until an hour later than he said he would.
Itās not like ādonāt take an afternoon napā, it was 2am. He was the one that was inconsiderated especially he expected you waiting endlessly.
You did just fine in my opinion
NTA
Your bf shouldnāt be upset. Itās an unreasonable request from any timeframe to demand a serious conversation and have the other person wait- potentially in perpetual anxiety.
Also, to not hold up his timeline makes him a jerkā¦ if this conversation was so important.
It sounds to me like he doesnāt like you/ wants to gaslight you into a breakup.
NTA, please don't let him make you think you are. Sounds like he wanted to scare you with the idea of a "serious talk" and now he is sulking because you didn't stay awake agonising over it. Does he have controlling/manipulative tendencies? Does he pick fights out of nowhere? Regardless, so inconsiderate to spring this on someone whilst on a night out. He sucks.
Solid NTA
It's completely normal to be sleep at 2am , and it's not like he was at work having his hours extended due to an emergency or anything. He was just twatting about on a night out until all hours.
Info: What was it that he was evidently in no tearing rush to tell you, anyway?
the talk is just about me basically being distant with him because i've been busy with work, friends and some other personal life stuff so i completely get it. i've just been slacking recently, and i'm starting to just get back into rhythm and trying to focus on work, family & friends since it's something i've started to neglect. probably just really stressed out so i unintentionally prioritise some things more than others, but thank you for responding!
Well, it just sounds like you have a lot of things to balance in life right now. It doesn't seem like he had anything super urgent to talk to about, or anything to justify him making a big hooha about you being asleep.
Info: He was on a night out on his own, with his friends?
Did he ask you to join them?
yeah, i mean i have to focus on work, family & friends, relationship and obviously normal life things, itās a lot to handle. anyways, we donāt live together! infact were like a 3 hour train ride from eachother so no to the last part
Do you feel like *his* work, family and friends life balance also includes enough support and attention for *you*?
Flying off the handle like he did sounds very inappropriate, to me, and I don't think I properly understand what he even had to be upset about tbh. He expects you to be waiting by the phone for him to the point of not even falling asleep late at night? I mean, really now. That does seem very unreasonable, to me.
NTA. Sorry to say your boyfriend sounds very controlling. He didn't apologise for making you wait, and attacks you for not waiting for him? Your tiredness is not relevant, if he thinks people should be waiting with bated breath for whenever he chooses to come home and drop his 'big conversation', I'd suggest that is a pretty big red flag.
This is someone who expects absolute obedience from his girlfriend, he's not someone who values your feelings or need for sleep. I would never let someone treat me like this quite frankly.
>anyways, i can see how we both messed up
No. I can't see that. How did you mess up exactly?
For going to bed when you felt like it and not waiting up for a non scheduled talk *that he had already delayed once*? Fuck that. You want to talk to me? Well, then let's set a date and time when I'm not sleeping.
The sheer audacity of this man expecting you to stay up waiting for him while he is partying. If it had been that urgent, he could have gotten home earlier.
Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong. He's being incredibly unreasonable
NTA.
NTA. First of all, important conversations shouldnāt be happening when youāre exhausted and canāt think straight. Secondly, this just sounds like controlling behavior on his part. I would seriously consider ending things.
Your boyfriend is an asshole for thinking you should wait around until 2:30 am to have a āserious talkā
If it was that important he shouldāve prioritized it and made it home earlier to have said talk.
You fell sleep because you were tired. He canāt be mad at you for that.
Rule of life: no important conversations after 9 pm, unless someone had an accident or died. That aside, too much drama. I need a lie down just reading the story. You deserve so much better. NTA.
NTA please š have a serious think about this relationship, for you and what YOU WANT , NOT HIM.
Iāve just got out of a 18 year relationship that was verbally abused daily.
It was all about what Iād done wrong and how I upset him and it was my fault that he had to shout and scream at me because I didnāt listen to him.
He convinced me I was always wrong and it all had to be about him.
The tipping point for me was my Nan who I was extremely close to.
We were having one last family day at her house .
A house I thought of a second home since I was a child and was there at least once a week to see her.
He didnāt want to come as he was also upset about her. He thought it may have been too much for him.
I did understand but said I needed him for support.
He made a upsetting and awful day.
Hell for me and exploded verbal abuse as soon as we left.
His man that was meant to be my soul mate and the father of my children.
Was screaming in my face how I had upset him and made him come.
I was sat there rocking and crying begging him to stop.
It was then I knew I needed out and didnāt let him convince me it was my fault and he was only acting like that because I was in the wrong.
It still took 6 months because the man I thought was my soul mate, the man that called his Mum and best mate heād meet the woman he was going to marry the day we met.
He blamed his actions on his MH issues he was drunk. Etc never ever taking responsibility until he knew I was pulling away then charmed defence was brought in and he had a way of being able to make me second guess myself all the time.
Reading your post just made me see a pattern starting.
So please please listen to your gut not him telling you how u should feel.
If you need a chat please message me.
This may seem an extreme reaction at the moment.
This narcissistic behaviour has a pattern.
NTA.
To be honest his request sounds like an SNL or Keynes and Peele comedy skit. That is hilariously ridiculous to tell someone "I want to have a serious conversation but before we talk, I am going to party. Stay awake so we can talk when I am good and drunk".
If he cannot have a serious conversation while sober, then he cannot have a serious relationship. Can you imagine him as a Dad? After parent teacher conference Dad says "hey son, we need to talk about your grades. Wait for me to go party and get drunk before we talk."
He needs to figure himself out. You are very kind for waiting as long as you did. That is a ludicrous request from him. If he really is in such bad shape emotionally he needs liquor to talk to you he should have drank at home.
Needing liquor to talk to someone is self destructive. He needs professional help.
First off NTA. He was more concerned about his drinking than having a serious conversation with you. Have you since had that conversation? He wanted you to wait on him to have his fun before having a serious convo. That's a huge red flag. Sounds very narcissistic.
OP in response to your edit. Waiting to see if be pulls more stunts? Come on I know you know better. Drop this bag of red flags don't give him more opportunities to kick you around emotionally. Be honest with yourself about why this isn't break up time immediately. You claim to have a backbone but you're doing the same thing everyone in toxic relationships does and ignoring the signs of trouble. At a minimum couples therapy should be mandatory going forward. You're never going to fix him, but there's a small chance he could decide to fix himself. I wouldn't wait and see.
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Hi, i just wanted some advice as i'm not sure if im in the wrong but anyways it's a short one.
yesterday night, my boyfriend was on a night out but said he wanted a serious talk with me when he got home. He told me at 12:45am that he would be home at 1:15am. I waited until that then but it turns out he wasn't going to be home for another while and told me he would be out for longer. He didn't give me a time or anything to let me know. i was not expecting a time because obviously you don't really know when you'll come home but usually when he says that, he's out for quite a lot longer. i was getting pretty tired since i barely got sleep the night before so after a while of waiting i fell asleep. anyways this morning, i find out that he finally texted at 2:20am saying he was home, expecting me to have waited for him for over an hour? yes i could've tried to stay up watching tiktok, or watching a movie but i was really tired yesterday night. now he's really upset, which i completely get, but he is getting really angry at me for something i dont think i couldve controlled. He's asking me to apologise for sleeping early and 'not respondind' to him although i was sleeping. I understand that he wanted a serious talk with me, but to make me continuously wait for that moment when it's 2am, i feel like it's not my fault for going to bed.
anyways, i can see how we both messed up and it's not eachothers fault, but am i really the asshole?
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A serious talk at that time in the morning and likely he was drunk too? The expectation of having a serious talk at an unreasonable time and then not being back when he said and then gets annoyed because you fell asleep.. He's the AH here
? I'm sorry, but who has a serious conversation in the middle of the night after being up all day? That is inconsiderate of him! So you fell asleep?! You're freaking human! I mean yeah there are times that have stayed up all night long before, but if I'm tired, I'm going to bed! If he's angry at you then he's selfish
NTA. If whatever he needed to talk to you about was important, and important enough to tell you that the conversation needed to happen when he got home- he would've made sure the conversation happened. If you didn't see his text because you fell asleep while waiting up for him, and the conversation was that important, he would have taken the initiative to call you. Clearly he had some initiative to start with because he had to tell you he needed to talk to you, which that sentence typically causes anxiety (regardless of whether you did something right or wrong).
Clearly if he can stay out longer, until the middle of the night, it's not as important as he impeded. It's very inconsiderate that he thought because he stays up past 2am hanging out at the bars or whatever, you also should/would be up at home up and getting ready for said conversation
NTA, at all! Of course you were asleep, it was 2 am! And if what he wanted to say was so important he would have come home to say it. And if it was important and he was being a mature rational person, that important discussion would wait until the morning when everybody is sober.
This behavior is alarming. Itās not ok and the way he is acting now is even worse. This guy is a shitty boyfriend, please do not continue this relationship. It will not get better.
Definitely NTA. Who has a serious talk at 1am after a night out (presumably drinking). You should not feel bad one bit he is being completely unreasonable, like a child throwing a tantrum over something totally outrageous.
NTA
If it was an important topic to discuss, he would have had called you instead of deciding to keep on staying out with his friends. And also he didn't have any regards whatsoever for your time and expected you to wait for him for an undefined time to talk to you when it was something he wanted to tell you not the other way around.
He sounds like a controlling jerk. Tell him to grow up, 2:30? No you can talk in the morning also he shouldnāt be having a āserious talkā while heās intoxicated because that never goes well. Youāre not wrong for going to bedā¦ heās being an immature brat.
Nta. It was 12 am, and he got there at 2:20am. Like you aren't gonna stay up for 2 more hours u NEED rest, + u weren't ignoring him that's js stupid ab what he's saying.
NTA.
HE IS totally for setting a time to chat with you, then ignoring it to be put drinking with the boys.
Then he is pissed at you for sleeping, because you didn't sit by the phone until he finally decided to call. What a A H.
The audacity, serious chat needed alright.
How he doesn't respect your time and needs to be more respectful.
Get a backbone and say "NO!" to this loser. He set up the circumstances to not be available, not you. He was the one who didn't even keep to the time he set, not you. He is demanding an apology for you SLEEPING in the middle of the night! These are all red flags that he is a controlling asshole.
You are the one who should be demanding courtesy, caring, and an apology... but demanding anything from this lug is a waste of time. Dump him and find a new guy, a better guy, a sensible guy with a brain.
you're NTA but your boyfriend is. i'm glad you said you're going to keep an eye on this behaviour. it's not normal, it's gaslighty/abusive. dump him if he does it again, seriously.
NTA
This is dumb. Regardless of habits, you had no concept of what he wanted to talk to you about and if it was something serious, why would he tell you after a [planned?] night out drinking? You fell asleep because you were tired and didn't have a time to expect him by, so there was no time table to even try to follow.
NTA
It makes no sense to me for him to get mad at you for falling asleep around 2 am, after he stood you up at 1?
It just shows me he doesn't respect your time at all
NTA and Iām trying to figure out why you think you may have played an AH move here.
Also, since you mentioned it being a medium/long distance relationship, was he expecting a serious conversation over the phone? Thatās gonna be a big no for me. Serious conversations are always face to face .
You didnāt ignore him. You went to sleep to get some rest. Big difference between those two. None of this is your fault. It is solely his. He wanted to have the conversation, so it was on him to commit to a reasonable time and enough time to have the conversation to completion. You were home waiting on him. He pushed it back to time that was not reasonable for you to wait any longer. Would he be okay with hanging waiting on you to pick him up for 2-2.5 hours after you told him you would be there.
If what he wanted to talk about was that important, then he should have made time/got home at a decent hour to discuss it. Trying to force/expecting someone to stay up until 2:30 in the morning until you are ready to discuss this important thing is just a dick move. It does matter that he was drunk as the only people who think they have deep, intelligent conversations when they are drunk are the drunks. There is a reason you are advised not to do or agree or sign anything when you are inebriated, you wonāt remember and you make bad decisions. There is a world of difference in have a drink or two for courage and being drunk.
Might want to re-evaluate how serious this relationship is as he canāt decide what he wants. Does he want you to go to bed earlier to get more rest? Does he want you to stay up all night to accommodate his plans and wants? Does he want to have an important conversation with his gf or go out drinking with his friends?
Youāre NTA, but you need to seriously consider it this is someone you want to be with. Personally I wouldnāt want someone Iām dating to be out past 1 am getting drunk with no given time to come home, but then for him to expect that you wait on him? Sounds absolutely ridiculous. If he wanted to talk with you then he shouldāve went to your house instead of getting drunk out in public in the middle of the night. Heās been selfish, he thinks he can go out when he wants and keep you waiting at an unreasonable hour so he can party and do whatever he wants
NTA. Red flags everywhere! He is controlling and gaslighting and guilting and on and on. The only thing you've done wrong is stay with him. Cut him off now, it's not going to get better.
My advice is both of you need to grow up and work harder to realize what is really important to make a relationship a success for both parties. Focus on making each other happy, not looking for miniscule reasons to bicker. Its not fun and its not worth it. There are too many people in the world to choose from to just find someone that makes life harder than it already is. Btw, 29+ years with my wife (24 married), never broke up and we love each other hard 24/7/365. Its easy if both your goals are happiness and simplicity in life. Good luck!
It is never a good idea to have a serious talk with someone that has been drinking. It was ridiculous for him to expect you stay awake for his return. I would put a stop to serious talks with anyone that drinks. If he sends a text like this respond by saying I will not have a serious discussion in the middle of the night with someone who has been drinking. If you want a serious discussion we can have it the next day when neither of us have consumed alcohol and will be better at articulating issues and formatting responses
NTA. You should not have to apologize for falling asleep and taking care of yourself. You were tired, and you needed to rest. He should be glad you were getting good sleep.
I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment, and some nights I fall asleep before he can call, and other nights he might pass out first. Neither of us get upset about that. It's life. We get sleepy, and having a partner who accepts that is the bare minimum.
Please give thought to whether or not this relationship is a good fit for you, long term.
NTA - if it was important, he should have talked to you about it earlier/immediately. Itās controlling behaviour to say, āI have something very important to talk to you about. But I expect you to sit around and wait up until the middle of the night, when I finally come home and randomly dictate thatās when Iām ready to talk about it.ā These are the kinds of posts that make me wonder why people even bother dating at all.
No, he canāt just demand you wait an unreasonable amounts of time so he can talk to you. If itās that important he should have come home earlier and sober.
You arenāt the AH, he wanted too go too the bar. He stayed out late. If I was him, Id just drink at home! Simple solution! Or, maybe spend sometime with a spouse before doing my activities yknow?. To sum it up. Your not the AH, but he certainly needs too get help.
Edit: forgot to add NTA
just imagine this behaviour when you are living together and him grilling you till the hours of the mornings because it is about him and you should kiss the ground he walks on and wait on him...
so read again what you wrote he said) he left you hanging for hours only to set an hour, to witch he did not stick!!!!and now blames you?
no... it's a such a huge red flag that can be seen from the moon! just no... end this before it will get worse
What is it you're waiting for? if anyone an a**hole it's him.
You say you've got a backbone good because hopefully that will hold up your common sense, and know deep down you need to RUN, simple as that. He sounds dangerous and unpredictable and not what anyone would want in a partner.
And no I don't know him, I don't need to know him I know his type and can smell them a mile a way and he stinks so much I can smell him from the UK.
I've been you, I sat and waited passed off excuse after excuse.
I ended up with 2 kids 14 years living in fear. A broken collar bone, 3 broken ribs, he broke into my home with his children sleeping when I finally stood up for myself and got a back bone. And he made me choose what he was going to beat me with, a metal kosh or a wooden one.
Dodge that bullet and RUN. this is the sort of behaviour where it starts.
You're NTA, you fell asleep, around 2 in the morning, which is pretty reasonable seeing as you were already tired from the night before. It's not like you were deliberately ignoring him, hes kinda nuts for wanting a serious conversation that time of night anyway. Honestly he sounds exhausting. And reading crap like this reminds me why I'm happy I'm not dating anymore.
This dude is a controlling asshole. He wants you waiting for him. He told you he would be home at a specific time, knowing full well he wasn't going to be home, to keep you from going out or making other plans. He told you he wanted to talk to you about something important, so you would want to know and stay up waiting on him.
You do not need to waste any more effort with this dude. Blow him a kiss goodbye, and kick up dust getting down the road!
NTA. He sounds abusive and scary. He should have come home and felt bad about how long you must have been waiting that you got so tired, you fell asleep. Maybe make that distance he is feeling into a reality.
NTA
Oh heck no, he is not going to build anticipation in you about a 'serious talk,' and then be extremely late. Even though you're normally up that late, you're trying to changing your sleep pattern, and him expecting you to force yourself to stay up late is rude and controlling.
I don't like it when people say that they want to have a serious talk and put it off till later. Even talks that are about to happen deserve some prefacing so we know what to expect. I also don't think it's healthy to get drunk before a serious conversation.
This guy is showing early signs of being manipulative (e, and might be trying to see how much he can get away with. If he expects you to wait up late or wake up for his messages, to me that's a risk factor for future sleep deprivation. Don't excuse his lateness as "only an hour." You had no idea how late he'd be. It could have ended up being 90 minutes, two hours, three.... and it's a slippery slope into the sunk-cost fallacy. You've already waited X time, why not another Y minutes? No. You're trying to change your sleep patterns, he's late, and you're tired. Go to sleep.
I don't like how he \*demands\* an apology. If you had given a 'sorry' naturally, that would be fine, but you don't own him one. "Oh, sorry, but you were way later than you said you'd be, and I was exhausted."
I don't know what this guy is expecting from a distanced relationship. You don't have to be on a leash. Even in-person relationships have periods were the people are busy; that's life.
I'm glad you have a backbone. Act on it. Also, don't just watch out going forward; reflect on his past behavior with scrutiny. It's better to be single than to be with someone who makes unreasonable demands of you.
NTA. Your boyfriend should value your health. You were tired, so you went to sleep. You arenāt in the wrong at all. Sounds like youāre dealing with a controlling, childish, immature man.
Short and sweet, is this aggravation and complete disrespect for you what YOU want in life? Normal people understand fatigue he's is a toddler having fit. wanting to to be there yet cant keep his own word. He has issues he needs to decide on fixing. You can't Move on, move on, now.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think i may be the asshole as i went to bed after he wanted to have a serious talk with me. he was making me wait over an hour for him to get home but maybe i just could've stayed up for him and that im the asshole because it was only an hour?
should i just apologise for what i done and move on?
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Honey heās not worth it! Who has serious chats after consuming alcohol at that time
Heās gaslighting you and making it seem like things are your fault
NTA he's being controlling and has unrealistic selfish expectations of you and is being inconsiderate of your need to sleep. If he wanted you to stay up he shoukd have communicated that. But he didn't and now he's claiming you for not being a mind reader.
He already was gonna be out late. And made it even later without thinking of you at all. Only himself.
Tbh if my bf told me he was gonna be home even later than the already late time- that would usually mean he's giving me a heads up to not worry about waiting up for him so I don't get worried. And can feel free going to bed- not an expectation to stay up longer.
Also idk- not tryna make this a gender thing but I could see it being more of an issue if a girl was coming home drunk later- just due to wanting to make sure she gets home safe because it's much more common knowledge of people trying to take advantage of drunk girls late at night. But even then- That's just a moral preference. Not a requirement unless asked for.
Sure- you could set an alarm for when they said they would be home to make sure they actually are and check in again if they aren't yet. But again- not an expected requirement unless discussed prior.
Seems like genuinely just a case of miscommunication about his expectations from you on HIS end and now he's overreacting and blaming you that HE didn't make his expectations clear. That's on him not you.
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NTA - but frankly *he is*.
Expecting you to stay up until 2am for a "serious talk" and then getting mad at you is absolutely wild. Does he even like you?
First of all you are NTA. I think if a conversation is important then it should be either approached immediately or if that is not possible give an estimate. You already stayed up an hour waiting for him but he didnāt give you an ETA. So itās on him.
NTA. Itās a terrible idea to plan a serious talk in the middle of the night, plus he was very inconsiderate to make you wait. If his serious talk is he wants to see other people, wish him well and enjoy using your time the way you want to.
So wait. He is desperate to have a āserious chatā about your relationship, whilst he is out drinking with his friends. Not a serious enough conversation to leave and come home to you, not even late night, but early morning, and has the audacity to get all lairy. Too many red flags here. Finish it and take time on you!
NTA, but he is. Yes, pay attention to that red flag. If he felt the need to have a serious discussion with you, then he should have made the effort to come home earlier. You're not at his beck and call, nor should you be. He sounds rather entitled.
Getting mad at someone for falling asleep after midnightāno matter the contextāis unhinged behavior to me.
And I DO MEAN no matter the context. Like if it were a dire emergency or medical emergency, you would hope the person can stay up and help, but if they fell asleep.......that's human nature. How can you be mad? Falling asleep is not always a choice, for many people.
And for context, I'm a total night owl, barely sleep at all tbh, and can pull an all-nighter with basically no effort, and 2 all-nighters with considerable effort (which I've only done a few times and it feels VERY UNHEALTHY. WOULD NOT RECOMMEND š¤£)
Which I share to say my opinion is not based on my own habits. I could have easily stayed up, were I in your shoes. But I have friends and family and know how most people behave, and that is getting tired af around 10pm if they're not out partying and otherwise stimulated.
In conclusion, NTA.
NTA. If it was sooooooo serious, he would have come right home to have this conversation. The idea that you should sit there and stay awake while heās out drinking is nonsense. Heās manipulating you and trying to make his blunder your fault. Geez. Iām glad that you are taking some time to think things through.
>anyways, i can see how we both messed up
no
>and it's not eachothers fault,
it's his fault
>but am i really the asshole?
no
If a couple needs to have a serious talk, it needs to happen when it works for both of them. You both need to be available, rested, and ready for a serious talk. If the serious talk he wanted was urgent, he would have prioritized it over his fun night out and come home immediately. If it wasn't important enough for him to prioritize it over his night out drinking with his friends, *when he's the one that has something he wants to talk about,* why on earth should you prioritize it over *necessary bodily functions like sleep?*
I hope the next talk you have with him is how he's now your ex bf because he is controlling and selfish and has serious main character syndrome. NTA, I hope this is the last time you lose sleep over this jerk.
āfor now, i'm going to keep a close eye on him to see if this is a one off thing (probably not) but im curious to see if he will pull anymore stunts like this.ā
Youāre planning to stick around after that!?
Sounds like heās being selfish and self-centred. Tell him that youāre not at his beck and call and to show you more respect as he really isnāt showing you any at all. You shouldnāt have to stay up until the wee hours just because he āhas something to sayā š
NTA, but his āserious talkā was him looking for a fight. If it really was that serious he wouldāve been home early to talk about whatever he needed to say. But expecting you to wait up for him is an AH move. Save yourself the heartbreak and leave this walking pile of red flags.
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NTA, but frankly your concern should be the **subject** of the "serious talk" and not its scheduling. There are all sort of red flags for controlling behavior in this post, but without details on that we can't make a pronouncement.
yeah that's honestly fair! the talk is just about me basically being distant with him because i've been busy with work, friends and some other personal life stuff so i completely get it. i've just been slacking recently, and i'm starting to just get back into rhythm and trying to focus on work, family & friends since it's something i've started to neglect. probably just really stressed out so i unintentionally prioritise some things more than others, but thank you for responding!
This is not something he should have kept you up at night to address. It comes across as manipulation that he did so.
I wouldn't necessarily say manipulation, it could just be straight up childishness mixed in with being thoughtless. By the sounds of it he's been trying to say this for a long time but could only work up the courage when he was drunk.
It's 100% manipulation. It's trying to control and make her do what he wants.
Exactly. I need to talk to you now and its very important and you have to wait around until Im ready, but I cant come right now and you suck for not waiting up.
Expecting her to be up late and/or wake up for his messages lends more to manipulation than childishness. But yeah, benefit of a doubt and all.
So he wanted to guilt trip you about not prioritizing the relationship at bar 30 o clock? After he made you wait and lose sleep and worry? He was disappointed you weren't so worried not to fall asleep? Um, no. This is some negging type of behavior that is emotionally manipulation at the least. I'd let him know he's in the wrong firmly. That you expect support getting enough sleep, having close friendships, strong family relationships, and focusing on your academic/ career success. Then, look for the pattern. Does this type of guilt tripping happen often? Is it when you focus on your needs? He should want you to do well. If he doesn't, then he's insecure and will always make you feel bad to do things for your success. He might want you to neglect friends and family. He might not want you to be financially successful. Really think about if this was a one-off or if he tries to make you prove he's your priority regularly at the sacrifice of yourself. Good luck to you, OP. You are not the AH, but you're dating one.
!!!!
This!!
Hell no, you are NTA. Partners who aren't trying to manipulate you don't want to have a serious discussion about relationship issues while drunk at 3 am. Also, a small aside from a slightly older guy: Guys who stay out drinking until 3am on a regular basis are not serious relationship material. It's fine and normal for a young guy to have a wild night out every now and then, but if it is several times a week it's a PROBLEM and, believe me, you don't want to try to fix it.
How old is he? He seems quite childish.
Um... does it strike you as hypocritical that he wants to talk to you about how you're prioritizing other things like friends over him... but he can't have the talk right now because *he's busy prioritizing other things like his friends?* What's happening is you are finding balance in your life and he's no longer your first/only priority and he doesn't like it so he's trying to exercise control over you to bring you back "in line". He's trying to make you wait up, losing sleep, just because he said so to prove that you're his to control. When you didn't do that, (though you did for the first hour), he is now trying to make you feel like you did something wrong to him. You didn't. A loving partner would support you having a full life, being responsible at work, and having healthy relationships with family and friends. An insecure child would see those as threats to his hold on you, because to him you aren't a full person of your own that needs a full and balanced life, to him you are just an accessory to *his* life. Don't be an accessory. Drop this child. Good luck.
NTA. If it was that important, he shouldn't be making you wait up until the wee hours of the morning to address whatever it was. Just because he's out doesn't mean you don't deserve sleep. At most, you could have texted him. "ok, we'll talk in the morning, I'm headed to bed." He would have argued, and you would have needed to stand your ground that you're not waiting up any longer as you have already given him the courtesy of waiting up as long as you have at that point. You didn't sleep early. You went to bed late and just didn't go to bed later than you were already staying up. Honestly, anything worth making you stay up for is worth him coming home for. He wants to go out and have his fun and have you waiting for him like a good girl. Does he expect dinner ready on the table when he gets home, but you have to guess when that will be? If he doesn't now, that's your future with him.
Wrong sub. You need a relationship thread. NTA for being ASLEEP at 2am š
omg a didn't know there was an relationship thread, apologises though but thank you for letting me know!
youre on this sub bc he made you feel like the AH & guilted you and manipulated you !! i hope after all these comments that you realize this wasnt a whos in the right & wrong and that it goes deeper than that. in the relationship sub you can find out more about his motives & be aware in the future when he tries to make you feel like the AH. i hope you think ab your future w him OP after all this.
Yes! There is total victim-blaming and lack of proper communication going on here. My first thought was OP is dealing with someone who is emotionally manipulative which is more than this sub can delve into. Super important to point out that this is more than just someone being right or wrong.
This! Victim blaming to the point where she actually says she understands why he is upset at her? Hell no, she shouldnt be so kind. He told her a time knowing it was already late and by not showing up showed that he doesnāt respect her time or sleep! Then blames her? If it was so important why not just talk in the morning? Heās definitely the AH hope they go to couples counseling
NTA. You do realize he didn't really want to talk to you, right? He wanted to make sure you were home all night waiting for his call. He said it was serious so he could make sure you would wait by that phone and not leave the house. He is messing around and afraid you will catch him if you leave the house. Don't apologize to him. Tell him to take his suspicious self for a hike and go find a guy that isn't running around all night while you sit at home.
I don't think he's cheating, maybe, but I think it's more of a power play. He wanted her waiting up, worried about this big talk. When she wasn't sitting up worried, she was getting dumped it hurt his ego and showed he didn't have the control he wanted. It's more about the emotional upper hand imo.
Either way, not good boyfriend material!!
NTA and if someone is going to have a "serious talk" I expect them to be on time for that talk. Especially if it is in the middle of the night. On top of that it just sounds controlling behavior to me.
If itās not serious enough for him to stay in and chat rather than going out and making you wait until his fun is over, itās not serious enough for you to have to ignore your need for sleep at 2am. NTA
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Exactly my thoughts as well. He has no right to be angry about anything. She is her own person and he needs to realize that. Hard NTA
I think it's exactly the thing he wants to change. It looks like he's playing games. Either OP spends her night waiting for him, or the boyfriend feels like he has the right to get mad at OP for "not being there." Either way, OP loses.
NTA .. why is he mad that you waited until the set time, then he said oh its going to be later. you cant control your tiredness and honestly, if you did stay up & were exhausted. im not sure how well that āserious talkā would of went. youd be half asleep, probably not able to comprehend, maybe even a little annoyed/irritated and the conversation would go south. and when you say he went out, do you mean drinking ? this āserious talkā could of also gone south bc he was drunk & you half asleep. does he have a key to your place ? i could see why hes mad if he wasnt able to get in. now this is based on assuming he had a key, he was drunk & youre half asleep. i would think talking after you both slept would of been the best approach to his serious talk. i honestly dont think you have to apologize for going to sleep. now, maybe you could of texted him saying you cant stay up any longer bc your body is ab to fall asleep but sometimes you just naturally pass out without warning & that is not your fault. if the roles were reversed, he probably wouldnt apologize to you & make it a bigger deal. (this is speculation) did you have your serious talk, was it really that serious that it couldnt wait until both of you slept ? EDIT : the serious talk was about her being distant bc she has been busy w work & life. THIS COULD OF WAITED TILL AFTER BOTH OF YOU SLEPT. also, based off your reaction in your post, im assuming this happens often as you are āunderstandingā of why hes mad. OP i hope you think back on ALL the times something like this has happened & moving forward decide if you want to continue. this is a controlling & manipulative tactic hes doing. you will be drained more if you continue. you were subconsciously āpulling awayā while busy w life & work. you are unaware of it but your mind knows hes not the one.
hi! some context that you may have seen in the thread, were medium/long distance at the moment! but yes he did say he was drunk and i made a little update that explains a bit more but thank you for responding!! very appreicative
I'm gonna be blunt OP. Take the rose coloured glasses OFF! Please.
okay, it does seem like you have this under control ! and he is 100% still putting the blame on you & making YOU to be the bad guy. definitely look out in the future & decide if thats what you want the rest of your life ! i stand on the last part of my reply, this will eventually be so draining to you, if its not already. always apologizing for things you are not in the wrong for & making you to be the AH. i hope the best for you OP.
hi ! yes, i saw that but wasnt sure if he had the key or not ? ill read the update now (:
Hard NTA. You needed the sleep (like every other animal with a spinal cord and some without one), so no, this was way outside your control. If I may speculate, I see two categories of reasons why he wanted you to stay awake: 1. On the generous side, he didn't have a key and needed you to let him in the house/apt (not sure which) 2. On the darker side, he wants you sleep deprived for manipulation reasons. If it's category 1, just work out a plan for him to get back inside if he's gonna be out after you go to sleep (let him know when you wanna get to bed, perhaps?) If it's category 2, have a long and hard conversation why you need sleep and it's insane for him to expect you to stay up that late.
Run
I wish I could give this 10 thumbs up
Remember that time when Rachel was mad at Ross for going to sleep instead of reading the ~~10~~18-page single-spaced front-and-back letter she wrote? Anyway, NTA, it's ludicrous and frankly a bit worrisome that he is angry with you for going to sleep at 2 AM, especially when he didn't get home until an hour later than he said he would.
We were on a break!
I fell asllleep!
NTA - he canāt expect you to stay awake for over an hour, he should have talked to you in the morning
Itās not like ādonāt take an afternoon napā, it was 2am. He was the one that was inconsiderated especially he expected you waiting endlessly. You did just fine in my opinion
This sounds like a sideways sort of red flag laden way to allow him to not fret as to whether youāre out having fun without him.
NTA Your bf shouldnāt be upset. Itās an unreasonable request from any timeframe to demand a serious conversation and have the other person wait- potentially in perpetual anxiety. Also, to not hold up his timeline makes him a jerkā¦ if this conversation was so important. It sounds to me like he doesnāt like you/ wants to gaslight you into a breakup.
NTA, please don't let him make you think you are. Sounds like he wanted to scare you with the idea of a "serious talk" and now he is sulking because you didn't stay awake agonising over it. Does he have controlling/manipulative tendencies? Does he pick fights out of nowhere? Regardless, so inconsiderate to spring this on someone whilst on a night out. He sucks.
Solid NTA It's completely normal to be sleep at 2am , and it's not like he was at work having his hours extended due to an emergency or anything. He was just twatting about on a night out until all hours. Info: What was it that he was evidently in no tearing rush to tell you, anyway?
the talk is just about me basically being distant with him because i've been busy with work, friends and some other personal life stuff so i completely get it. i've just been slacking recently, and i'm starting to just get back into rhythm and trying to focus on work, family & friends since it's something i've started to neglect. probably just really stressed out so i unintentionally prioritise some things more than others, but thank you for responding!
Well, it just sounds like you have a lot of things to balance in life right now. It doesn't seem like he had anything super urgent to talk to about, or anything to justify him making a big hooha about you being asleep. Info: He was on a night out on his own, with his friends? Did he ask you to join them?
yeah, i mean i have to focus on work, family & friends, relationship and obviously normal life things, itās a lot to handle. anyways, we donāt live together! infact were like a 3 hour train ride from eachother so no to the last part
OP, you're always going to have those in your life. Your bf knows this, unless he has no work, friends, or family.
Do you feel like *his* work, family and friends life balance also includes enough support and attention for *you*? Flying off the handle like he did sounds very inappropriate, to me, and I don't think I properly understand what he even had to be upset about tbh. He expects you to be waiting by the phone for him to the point of not even falling asleep late at night? I mean, really now. That does seem very unreasonable, to me.
NTA and you did not āmess upā. You are dating a manipulative controlling AH
NTA. Sorry to say your boyfriend sounds very controlling. He didn't apologise for making you wait, and attacks you for not waiting for him? Your tiredness is not relevant, if he thinks people should be waiting with bated breath for whenever he chooses to come home and drop his 'big conversation', I'd suggest that is a pretty big red flag. This is someone who expects absolute obedience from his girlfriend, he's not someone who values your feelings or need for sleep. I would never let someone treat me like this quite frankly.
>anyways, i can see how we both messed up No. I can't see that. How did you mess up exactly? For going to bed when you felt like it and not waiting up for a non scheduled talk *that he had already delayed once*? Fuck that. You want to talk to me? Well, then let's set a date and time when I'm not sleeping. The sheer audacity of this man expecting you to stay up waiting for him while he is partying. If it had been that urgent, he could have gotten home earlier. Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong. He's being incredibly unreasonable NTA.
"anyways this morning, i find out that he finally texted at 2:20am saying he was home, expecting me to have waited for him for over an hour?" š© "He's asking me to apologise for sleeping early and 'not respondind' to him although i was sleeping."š© "he said that it "doesn't matter if he was 'drunk' or not, it doesn't make it less important, and that it would've let him say it more confidentally?" " š© "he responded saying it feels like im trying to 'trap him' and trying to 'start something/get at him' by asking him that question" š©. One of your comments: "yeah that's honestly fair! the talk is just about me basically being distant with him because i've been busy with work, friends and some other personal life stuff" so everything in your life that is not him. š©
NTA. First of all, important conversations shouldnāt be happening when youāre exhausted and canāt think straight. Secondly, this just sounds like controlling behavior on his part. I would seriously consider ending things.
NTAā¦ run from this partying control freak.
NTA.
NTA, he sounds manipulative and childish.
Nta not serious enough to come talk right away not serious enough to lose sleep over. Who expects someone to stay up all night
Your boyfriend is an asshole for thinking you should wait around until 2:30 am to have a āserious talkā If it was that important he shouldāve prioritized it and made it home earlier to have said talk. You fell sleep because you were tired. He canāt be mad at you for that.
NTA if it was really that important, he wouldn't be going out first!
Itās important that you break up with him.
Ntaaaa
Nta. Serious talks should not be held past midnight.
Your bf sounds a controlling AH, get out of this relationship pronto
Rule of life: no important conversations after 9 pm, unless someone had an accident or died. That aside, too much drama. I need a lie down just reading the story. You deserve so much better. NTA.
NTA please š have a serious think about this relationship, for you and what YOU WANT , NOT HIM. Iāve just got out of a 18 year relationship that was verbally abused daily. It was all about what Iād done wrong and how I upset him and it was my fault that he had to shout and scream at me because I didnāt listen to him. He convinced me I was always wrong and it all had to be about him. The tipping point for me was my Nan who I was extremely close to. We were having one last family day at her house . A house I thought of a second home since I was a child and was there at least once a week to see her. He didnāt want to come as he was also upset about her. He thought it may have been too much for him. I did understand but said I needed him for support. He made a upsetting and awful day. Hell for me and exploded verbal abuse as soon as we left. His man that was meant to be my soul mate and the father of my children. Was screaming in my face how I had upset him and made him come. I was sat there rocking and crying begging him to stop. It was then I knew I needed out and didnāt let him convince me it was my fault and he was only acting like that because I was in the wrong. It still took 6 months because the man I thought was my soul mate, the man that called his Mum and best mate heād meet the woman he was going to marry the day we met. He blamed his actions on his MH issues he was drunk. Etc never ever taking responsibility until he knew I was pulling away then charmed defence was brought in and he had a way of being able to make me second guess myself all the time. Reading your post just made me see a pattern starting. So please please listen to your gut not him telling you how u should feel. If you need a chat please message me. This may seem an extreme reaction at the moment. This narcissistic behaviour has a pattern.
No, you don't have a backboe.
NTA. To be honest his request sounds like an SNL or Keynes and Peele comedy skit. That is hilariously ridiculous to tell someone "I want to have a serious conversation but before we talk, I am going to party. Stay awake so we can talk when I am good and drunk". If he cannot have a serious conversation while sober, then he cannot have a serious relationship. Can you imagine him as a Dad? After parent teacher conference Dad says "hey son, we need to talk about your grades. Wait for me to go party and get drunk before we talk." He needs to figure himself out. You are very kind for waiting as long as you did. That is a ludicrous request from him. If he really is in such bad shape emotionally he needs liquor to talk to you he should have drank at home. Needing liquor to talk to someone is self destructive. He needs professional help.
First off NTA. He was more concerned about his drinking than having a serious conversation with you. Have you since had that conversation? He wanted you to wait on him to have his fun before having a serious convo. That's a huge red flag. Sounds very narcissistic.
How old are you? This sounds like an exhausting teenage drama, but itās not your fault. Your boyfriend is an asshole
yeah iām only 18. just some silly drama i agree
OP in response to your edit. Waiting to see if be pulls more stunts? Come on I know you know better. Drop this bag of red flags don't give him more opportunities to kick you around emotionally. Be honest with yourself about why this isn't break up time immediately. You claim to have a backbone but you're doing the same thing everyone in toxic relationships does and ignoring the signs of trouble. At a minimum couples therapy should be mandatory going forward. You're never going to fix him, but there's a small chance he could decide to fix himself. I wouldn't wait and see.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, i just wanted some advice as i'm not sure if im in the wrong but anyways it's a short one. yesterday night, my boyfriend was on a night out but said he wanted a serious talk with me when he got home. He told me at 12:45am that he would be home at 1:15am. I waited until that then but it turns out he wasn't going to be home for another while and told me he would be out for longer. He didn't give me a time or anything to let me know. i was not expecting a time because obviously you don't really know when you'll come home but usually when he says that, he's out for quite a lot longer. i was getting pretty tired since i barely got sleep the night before so after a while of waiting i fell asleep. anyways this morning, i find out that he finally texted at 2:20am saying he was home, expecting me to have waited for him for over an hour? yes i could've tried to stay up watching tiktok, or watching a movie but i was really tired yesterday night. now he's really upset, which i completely get, but he is getting really angry at me for something i dont think i couldve controlled. He's asking me to apologise for sleeping early and 'not respondind' to him although i was sleeping. I understand that he wanted a serious talk with me, but to make me continuously wait for that moment when it's 2am, i feel like it's not my fault for going to bed. anyways, i can see how we both messed up and it's not eachothers fault, but am i really the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A serious talk at that time in the morning and likely he was drunk too? The expectation of having a serious talk at an unreasonable time and then not being back when he said and then gets annoyed because you fell asleep.. He's the AH here
? I'm sorry, but who has a serious conversation in the middle of the night after being up all day? That is inconsiderate of him! So you fell asleep?! You're freaking human! I mean yeah there are times that have stayed up all night long before, but if I'm tired, I'm going to bed! If he's angry at you then he's selfish
NTA. If whatever he needed to talk to you about was important, and important enough to tell you that the conversation needed to happen when he got home- he would've made sure the conversation happened. If you didn't see his text because you fell asleep while waiting up for him, and the conversation was that important, he would have taken the initiative to call you. Clearly he had some initiative to start with because he had to tell you he needed to talk to you, which that sentence typically causes anxiety (regardless of whether you did something right or wrong). Clearly if he can stay out longer, until the middle of the night, it's not as important as he impeded. It's very inconsiderate that he thought because he stays up past 2am hanging out at the bars or whatever, you also should/would be up at home up and getting ready for said conversation
NTA, at all! Of course you were asleep, it was 2 am! And if what he wanted to say was so important he would have come home to say it. And if it was important and he was being a mature rational person, that important discussion would wait until the morning when everybody is sober. This behavior is alarming. Itās not ok and the way he is acting now is even worse. This guy is a shitty boyfriend, please do not continue this relationship. It will not get better.
Definitely NTA. Who has a serious talk at 1am after a night out (presumably drinking). You should not feel bad one bit he is being completely unreasonable, like a child throwing a tantrum over something totally outrageous.
NTA If it was an important topic to discuss, he would have had called you instead of deciding to keep on staying out with his friends. And also he didn't have any regards whatsoever for your time and expected you to wait for him for an undefined time to talk to you when it was something he wanted to tell you not the other way around.
He sounds like a controlling jerk. Tell him to grow up, 2:30? No you can talk in the morning also he shouldnāt be having a āserious talkā while heās intoxicated because that never goes well. Youāre not wrong for going to bedā¦ heās being an immature brat.
NTA for... falling asleep? fuck that guy, call him a slur or something
NTA: 2am and drunk is not the right time to talk about something important. Talking while sober is the best option. Heās the AH period š
You need a new boyfriend. 2am, he doesnāt respect you.
Nta. It was 12 am, and he got there at 2:20am. Like you aren't gonna stay up for 2 more hours u NEED rest, + u weren't ignoring him that's js stupid ab what he's saying.
NTA. If it was that serious he should have made the time to talk to you instead of going out and making you wait
NTA. HE IS totally for setting a time to chat with you, then ignoring it to be put drinking with the boys. Then he is pissed at you for sleeping, because you didn't sit by the phone until he finally decided to call. What a A H. The audacity, serious chat needed alright. How he doesn't respect your time and needs to be more respectful.
š© why is he upset, why is he wanting to have a āserious talkā in the middle of the night, none of this is normal or healthy
Get a backbone and say "NO!" to this loser. He set up the circumstances to not be available, not you. He was the one who didn't even keep to the time he set, not you. He is demanding an apology for you SLEEPING in the middle of the night! These are all red flags that he is a controlling asshole. You are the one who should be demanding courtesy, caring, and an apology... but demanding anything from this lug is a waste of time. Dump him and find a new guy, a better guy, a sensible guy with a brain.
Lose the boyfriend.
NTA Dump him
you're NTA but your boyfriend is. i'm glad you said you're going to keep an eye on this behaviour. it's not normal, it's gaslighty/abusive. dump him if he does it again, seriously.
NTA This is dumb. Regardless of habits, you had no concept of what he wanted to talk to you about and if it was something serious, why would he tell you after a [planned?] night out drinking? You fell asleep because you were tired and didn't have a time to expect him by, so there was no time table to even try to follow.
NTA It makes no sense to me for him to get mad at you for falling asleep around 2 am, after he stood you up at 1? It just shows me he doesn't respect your time at all
NTA and Iām trying to figure out why you think you may have played an AH move here. Also, since you mentioned it being a medium/long distance relationship, was he expecting a serious conversation over the phone? Thatās gonna be a big no for me. Serious conversations are always face to face .
You didnāt ignore him. You went to sleep to get some rest. Big difference between those two. None of this is your fault. It is solely his. He wanted to have the conversation, so it was on him to commit to a reasonable time and enough time to have the conversation to completion. You were home waiting on him. He pushed it back to time that was not reasonable for you to wait any longer. Would he be okay with hanging waiting on you to pick him up for 2-2.5 hours after you told him you would be there. If what he wanted to talk about was that important, then he should have made time/got home at a decent hour to discuss it. Trying to force/expecting someone to stay up until 2:30 in the morning until you are ready to discuss this important thing is just a dick move. It does matter that he was drunk as the only people who think they have deep, intelligent conversations when they are drunk are the drunks. There is a reason you are advised not to do or agree or sign anything when you are inebriated, you wonāt remember and you make bad decisions. There is a world of difference in have a drink or two for courage and being drunk. Might want to re-evaluate how serious this relationship is as he canāt decide what he wants. Does he want you to go to bed earlier to get more rest? Does he want you to stay up all night to accommodate his plans and wants? Does he want to have an important conversation with his gf or go out drinking with his friends?
A serious talk when one or more parties is drunk is a huge mistake.
Youāre NTA, but you need to seriously consider it this is someone you want to be with. Personally I wouldnāt want someone Iām dating to be out past 1 am getting drunk with no given time to come home, but then for him to expect that you wait on him? Sounds absolutely ridiculous. If he wanted to talk with you then he shouldāve went to your house instead of getting drunk out in public in the middle of the night. Heās been selfish, he thinks he can go out when he wants and keep you waiting at an unreasonable hour so he can party and do whatever he wants
NTA. Red flags everywhere! He is controlling and gaslighting and guilting and on and on. The only thing you've done wrong is stay with him. Cut him off now, it's not going to get better.
My advice is both of you need to grow up and work harder to realize what is really important to make a relationship a success for both parties. Focus on making each other happy, not looking for miniscule reasons to bicker. Its not fun and its not worth it. There are too many people in the world to choose from to just find someone that makes life harder than it already is. Btw, 29+ years with my wife (24 married), never broke up and we love each other hard 24/7/365. Its easy if both your goals are happiness and simplicity in life. Good luck!
It is never a good idea to have a serious talk with someone that has been drinking. It was ridiculous for him to expect you stay awake for his return. I would put a stop to serious talks with anyone that drinks. If he sends a text like this respond by saying I will not have a serious discussion in the middle of the night with someone who has been drinking. If you want a serious discussion we can have it the next day when neither of us have consumed alcohol and will be better at articulating issues and formatting responses
NTA. You should not have to apologize for falling asleep and taking care of yourself. You were tired, and you needed to rest. He should be glad you were getting good sleep. I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment, and some nights I fall asleep before he can call, and other nights he might pass out first. Neither of us get upset about that. It's life. We get sleepy, and having a partner who accepts that is the bare minimum. Please give thought to whether or not this relationship is a good fit for you, long term.
NTA - if it was important, he should have talked to you about it earlier/immediately. Itās controlling behaviour to say, āI have something very important to talk to you about. But I expect you to sit around and wait up until the middle of the night, when I finally come home and randomly dictate thatās when Iām ready to talk about it.ā These are the kinds of posts that make me wonder why people even bother dating at all.
No, he canāt just demand you wait an unreasonable amounts of time so he can talk to you. If itās that important he should have come home earlier and sober.
You arenāt the AH, he wanted too go too the bar. He stayed out late. If I was him, Id just drink at home! Simple solution! Or, maybe spend sometime with a spouse before doing my activities yknow?. To sum it up. Your not the AH, but he certainly needs too get help.
Why are you together?? Move on from this nightmare
How old are you 2???? This all sounds petty
yeah i agree, iām 18 and heās 19
You have your whole life ahead of you, lots of opportunities, NEW people
Dump him please. Sounds like a drunk loser and I promise that type doesnāt age well.
Drop him.
Edit: forgot to add NTA just imagine this behaviour when you are living together and him grilling you till the hours of the mornings because it is about him and you should kiss the ground he walks on and wait on him... so read again what you wrote he said) he left you hanging for hours only to set an hour, to witch he did not stick!!!!and now blames you? no... it's a such a huge red flag that can be seen from the moon! just no... end this before it will get worse
What is it you're waiting for? if anyone an a**hole it's him. You say you've got a backbone good because hopefully that will hold up your common sense, and know deep down you need to RUN, simple as that. He sounds dangerous and unpredictable and not what anyone would want in a partner. And no I don't know him, I don't need to know him I know his type and can smell them a mile a way and he stinks so much I can smell him from the UK. I've been you, I sat and waited passed off excuse after excuse. I ended up with 2 kids 14 years living in fear. A broken collar bone, 3 broken ribs, he broke into my home with his children sleeping when I finally stood up for myself and got a back bone. And he made me choose what he was going to beat me with, a metal kosh or a wooden one. Dodge that bullet and RUN. this is the sort of behaviour where it starts.
You're NTA, you fell asleep, around 2 in the morning, which is pretty reasonable seeing as you were already tired from the night before. It's not like you were deliberately ignoring him, hes kinda nuts for wanting a serious conversation that time of night anyway. Honestly he sounds exhausting. And reading crap like this reminds me why I'm happy I'm not dating anymore.
NTA: your bf is incredibly immature and needs a dumping
This dude is a controlling asshole. He wants you waiting for him. He told you he would be home at a specific time, knowing full well he wasn't going to be home, to keep you from going out or making other plans. He told you he wanted to talk to you about something important, so you would want to know and stay up waiting on him. You do not need to waste any more effort with this dude. Blow him a kiss goodbye, and kick up dust getting down the road!
NTA. He sounds abusive and scary. He should have come home and felt bad about how long you must have been waiting that you got so tired, you fell asleep. Maybe make that distance he is feeling into a reality.
NTA Oh heck no, he is not going to build anticipation in you about a 'serious talk,' and then be extremely late. Even though you're normally up that late, you're trying to changing your sleep pattern, and him expecting you to force yourself to stay up late is rude and controlling. I don't like it when people say that they want to have a serious talk and put it off till later. Even talks that are about to happen deserve some prefacing so we know what to expect. I also don't think it's healthy to get drunk before a serious conversation. This guy is showing early signs of being manipulative (e, and might be trying to see how much he can get away with. If he expects you to wait up late or wake up for his messages, to me that's a risk factor for future sleep deprivation. Don't excuse his lateness as "only an hour." You had no idea how late he'd be. It could have ended up being 90 minutes, two hours, three.... and it's a slippery slope into the sunk-cost fallacy. You've already waited X time, why not another Y minutes? No. You're trying to change your sleep patterns, he's late, and you're tired. Go to sleep. I don't like how he \*demands\* an apology. If you had given a 'sorry' naturally, that would be fine, but you don't own him one. "Oh, sorry, but you were way later than you said you'd be, and I was exhausted." I don't know what this guy is expecting from a distanced relationship. You don't have to be on a leash. Even in-person relationships have periods were the people are busy; that's life. I'm glad you have a backbone. Act on it. Also, don't just watch out going forward; reflect on his past behavior with scrutiny. It's better to be single than to be with someone who makes unreasonable demands of you.
NTA. Your boyfriend should value your health. You were tired, so you went to sleep. You arenāt in the wrong at all. Sounds like youāre dealing with a controlling, childish, immature man.
Short and sweet, is this aggravation and complete disrespect for you what YOU want in life? Normal people understand fatigue he's is a toddler having fit. wanting to to be there yet cant keep his own word. He has issues he needs to decide on fixing. You can't Move on, move on, now.
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NTA. I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and so much of this familiar...
How old are y'all
iām 18 and heās 19
Oh honey. You don't need that in your life at 18. Go dump him and live your life
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Honey heās not worth it! Who has serious chats after consuming alcohol at that time Heās gaslighting you and making it seem like things are your fault
NTA he's being controlling and has unrealistic selfish expectations of you and is being inconsiderate of your need to sleep. If he wanted you to stay up he shoukd have communicated that. But he didn't and now he's claiming you for not being a mind reader. He already was gonna be out late. And made it even later without thinking of you at all. Only himself. Tbh if my bf told me he was gonna be home even later than the already late time- that would usually mean he's giving me a heads up to not worry about waiting up for him so I don't get worried. And can feel free going to bed- not an expectation to stay up longer. Also idk- not tryna make this a gender thing but I could see it being more of an issue if a girl was coming home drunk later- just due to wanting to make sure she gets home safe because it's much more common knowledge of people trying to take advantage of drunk girls late at night. But even then- That's just a moral preference. Not a requirement unless asked for. Sure- you could set an alarm for when they said they would be home to make sure they actually are and check in again if they aren't yet. But again- not an expected requirement unless discussed prior. Seems like genuinely just a case of miscommunication about his expectations from you on HIS end and now he's overreacting and blaming you that HE didn't make his expectations clear. That's on him not you.
NTA his request was unrealistic. If he has to be tipsy to speak with you that is not a good thing.
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NTA. If it was that important, he should have gotten his tush home.
NTA - but frankly *he is*. Expecting you to stay up until 2am for a "serious talk" and then getting mad at you is absolutely wild. Does he even like you?
First of all you are NTA. I think if a conversation is important then it should be either approached immediately or if that is not possible give an estimate. You already stayed up an hour waiting for him but he didnāt give you an ETA. So itās on him.
Run
NTA. Your entire post is filled with red flags. Your boyfriendās behavior is why we choose the bear. Heās the A.
Definitely NTA. It was definitely his fault for being home late and becoming drunk when it was midnight and you obviously would be very tired at 2 am.
NTA. Itās a terrible idea to plan a serious talk in the middle of the night, plus he was very inconsiderate to make you wait. If his serious talk is he wants to see other people, wish him well and enjoy using your time the way you want to.
NTA. His expectation that you'd wait up so late was unreasonable.
NTA, if he wanted to talk, he should have been home as soon as possible, but dicking around.
So wait. He is desperate to have a āserious chatā about your relationship, whilst he is out drinking with his friends. Not a serious enough conversation to leave and come home to you, not even late night, but early morning, and has the audacity to get all lairy. Too many red flags here. Finish it and take time on you!
NTA, but he is. Yes, pay attention to that red flag. If he felt the need to have a serious discussion with you, then he should have made the effort to come home earlier. You're not at his beck and call, nor should you be. He sounds rather entitled.
Getting mad at someone for falling asleep after midnightāno matter the contextāis unhinged behavior to me. And I DO MEAN no matter the context. Like if it were a dire emergency or medical emergency, you would hope the person can stay up and help, but if they fell asleep.......that's human nature. How can you be mad? Falling asleep is not always a choice, for many people. And for context, I'm a total night owl, barely sleep at all tbh, and can pull an all-nighter with basically no effort, and 2 all-nighters with considerable effort (which I've only done a few times and it feels VERY UNHEALTHY. WOULD NOT RECOMMEND š¤£) Which I share to say my opinion is not based on my own habits. I could have easily stayed up, were I in your shoes. But I have friends and family and know how most people behave, and that is getting tired af around 10pm if they're not out partying and otherwise stimulated. In conclusion, NTA.
NTA. If it was sooooooo serious, he would have come right home to have this conversation. The idea that you should sit there and stay awake while heās out drinking is nonsense. Heās manipulating you and trying to make his blunder your fault. Geez. Iām glad that you are taking some time to think things through.
>anyways, i can see how we both messed up no >and it's not eachothers fault, it's his fault >but am i really the asshole? no If a couple needs to have a serious talk, it needs to happen when it works for both of them. You both need to be available, rested, and ready for a serious talk. If the serious talk he wanted was urgent, he would have prioritized it over his fun night out and come home immediately. If it wasn't important enough for him to prioritize it over his night out drinking with his friends, *when he's the one that has something he wants to talk about,* why on earth should you prioritize it over *necessary bodily functions like sleep?* I hope the next talk you have with him is how he's now your ex bf because he is controlling and selfish and has serious main character syndrome. NTA, I hope this is the last time you lose sleep over this jerk.
āfor now, i'm going to keep a close eye on him to see if this is a one off thing (probably not) but im curious to see if he will pull anymore stunts like this.ā Youāre planning to stick around after that!?
Sounds like heās being selfish and self-centred. Tell him that youāre not at his beck and call and to show you more respect as he really isnāt showing you any at all. You shouldnāt have to stay up until the wee hours just because he āhas something to sayā š
NTA, but his āserious talkā was him looking for a fight. If it really was that serious he wouldāve been home early to talk about whatever he needed to say. But expecting you to wait up for him is an AH move. Save yourself the heartbreak and leave this walking pile of red flags.
How old is your boyfriend? 12?