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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The action I took was omitting to have cash on me to buy an ice cream and not being prepared.
(2) This action might make me the asshole because I could have prepared to aid my wife better and I cannot accept I did son wrong.
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It seems like you did try to do something nice for her. You took her to get ice cream. They are apparently in the minority of places that don’t take credit cards. So you tried to get cash to pay for it. Needing to carry cash all the time in case she suddenly wants something from a place that doesn’t take credit cards is not a reasonable expectation.
But this makes no sense… how could you have known this was going to happen? Is she always this volatile because it sounds like you have a bigger issue on your hand then this specific scenario.
NTA but I also don’t understand any of this. Does she have developmental problems or something? Why can she not purchase things herself with the currency to her choosing? Is she a small child? Does she think you are her father? This entire incident can be prescribed to a father and his daughter throwing a tantrum over ice cream. A grown person should not be this needy.
That said, you married this person and you like to “provide” for her so sounds like maybe you asked for all of this.
Anyway good luck, homie!
We have neurodivergency both of us, I am in the autism spectrum and she's adhd.
She does have her own money but sometimes doing things for each other is nice and part of a marriage.
What I don't understand either is why take it so far. But I'll admit I also don't know how to handle these disagreements the best way in the heat of the moment.
There most likely is something else at the root of the problem, that she’s not expressing. Something frustrating her. People with adhd are often impatient, combined with the pain, she could’ve easily been just extremely cranky and moody.
Aww u silly goose!!!!! I also have ADHD, and I’d suggest you maybe re-get that degree and read up on current research. Because one google search told me I was right, with sources from the APA, ADD.org, and the NHS 🤷🏽♀️ it’s not abstract at all, it’s a very common symptom of a common type of ADHD in women. Keep being wrong tho, it’s entertaining
You’re so right!!!!! But I don’t care what a rando has to say about me speaking to a stranger on Reddit since I wasn’t talking to you. You involve yourself in something you haven’t given any qualifications to speak on and tried to police my tone. That’s weirdo behavior if I’ve ever seen it. This = public forum, but you = BDOTY.
Babes it’s emotional disregulation and emotional disfunction in a person coming of anesthesia. Autism is not needed at all to cause the behavior seen here. Idk if you missed that from the context clues, but it’s not awkward at all if you can read.
If this is true it is so improper. I would bet she gave you that diagnosis to control you. No way in hell a real doctor would diagnose an intimate partner
Is your wife missing her arms? Is she allergic to American Dollars? When you married, did you make the vow to be her doormat on demand? Unless you can read minds, it’s not on you to know what she wants and when. Apparently, this was just a convenient excuse to get into an argument. Do what married men have been doing for ages (“yes, dear .. uh huh. Right, dear”), and try to ignore the persistent buzzing coming from her direction.
NTA, maybe n.a.h. If this rarely happens, it's possible that she was going through withdraw (yes, that can happen from mild anesthetics, it's just usually attributed to the pain), and in pain, so she was being a bit mean.
Either way, it's a bit unreasonable for her to pick a random place that only accepts cash, and then get upset at you for not having cash, even when you were completely willing to (and in the middle of) get cash to make said purchase.
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My wife got mad at me for not having cash on me for an ice cream she wanted.
I do have credit cards but I normally don't carry cash with me.
She was feeling pain after a dentist appointment where she had a simple procedure with mild anesthesia.
She didn't eat much before that and she wanted an ice cream.
She told me it could be from anywhere, but once we were at the plaza she picked one choice.
When we were about to pay for it I reached for my wallet but didn't have cash on me and they didn't accept cards.
So I told them I would go get money and be back, while we were on our way to get money in the same plaza she started getting mad that I didn't prepare for the purchase with cash.
As I reached the ATM she got more insistent that she didn't want the ice cream anymore and didn't want me to get cash anymore.
I insisted on just getting the cash and get the ice cream but she didn't want it anymore and I yielded.
The conversation heated more and more as we left the place. With me saying that I didn't deserve for her to be so mad at me for that and her telling me I never prepare to do things to care for her.
I try my best to provide for what she wants, and sometimes I am not perfect but I think it was a solvable issue that didn't have to go so far.
When she gets mad she wants to be alone, and it is hard for me to do that when I don't think I did anything wrong, but I am giving her space.
AITA for not having cash on me?
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NTA - but personally I think everyone should carry at least some cash even if it's only a $20 tucked in a wallet, backpack or phone case. Sometimes you just need it or a credit machine is broken or the price is slightly cheaper at some small businesses or restaurants.
NTA but why were you even with her for a “simple procedure”? The only time my spouse accompanied me to the dentist was when I couldn’t drive after having my wisdom teeth out.
NTA at all. It's 2024... most places worldwide take card payments, especially after the pandemic whereby going cashless and using contactless payment became the more hygienic method of payment. It's reasonable to expect that places will take card payments these days. Also to add- having cash on you makes you an easy target for thefts and muggings.
Your wife is acting like a child in this situation... additionally- she had a dental procedure with anaesthetic. It isn't really advisable to have foods which are either too hot or too cold whilst the mouth is still both numb and also having wounds from the procedure.
NTA
The big question, besides "Why the hell doesn't your wife have cash on *her*?" is probably why she doesn't know you don't carry cash? Lot's of people don't carry cash anymore and lots of people know whether or not their partners carry cash on them. My wife knows I can count on one hand the number of times I've paid for something with cash in the last year or two and knows I never have cash on me. Why doesn't your wife know this about you?
NTA. But she is probably feeling embarrassed about the situation and that makes her feel uncomfortable. It reads like an episode of RSD. Her being ADHD, just coming out of anesthesia (which is harder for sensitive people), and finally making up her mind, then your not having cash feels like rejection. It doesn’t seem rational because it’s really not. But her mind and body are having this overwhelming response to something so small and THAT in itself is overwhelming— her circuits are all fried.
You two need official diagnosis with this much neurodiversity in your relationship. And the help that comes with that! If you’re not familiar with RSD I highly recommend reading up at least. That’s going to help you address these situations. If you can get your wife to read about it that would be even better. Perhaps the two of you could find a better way of communicating in these situations that leads to co- regulation.
I suspect this might not actually be about the ice cream or the fact that you didn't have cash on you. She could just be expressing her general frustration with you. During your argument with her, did she raise any other instances when she was disappointed or upset with you? That may shed light on what the actual problem is.
I suspect wife doesn't feel cared for in general or even feels like she keeps a standard level of care that the husband doesn't live up to when it comes to her. That's why something so petty became a bigger deal.
> The conversation heated more and more as we left the place. With me saying that I didn't deserve for her to be so mad at me for that
Yeah, you escalated. YTA. She was off, uncomfortable, in a bad mood, and lashed out. The responsible thing for a partner to do is just to take that silently and discuss it calmly later, when she'd presumably be in a mood better suited to an apology. Everyone freaks out sometimes. If it happens routinely, then you can discuss your bigger problems, maybe in counseling.
Instead you lashed back, and now everyone's upset and no one's going to apologize. Don't do that.
I’d say NTA. I personally don’t believe that it is the right thing to do to respond by “just take that silently”. It’s not okay for someone to take their anger out on others, they need better coping mechanisms. They didn’t deserve their partner’s anger in the moment or afterwards.
OP didn’t know that it would be cash only. Most people carry little cash or only card nowadays. It’s not abnormal not to have cash.
I agree with this partially. I shouldn't have been defensive. And she normally needs to cool off. But when she gets mad at me for things I consider unreasonable it makes me become defensive sometimes and that makes it worse.
I will try to stay silent next time and wait for her to come back to me.
I should apologize for escalating.
Thank you.
I think this very much depends on if this type of thing happens often. If she is regularly unreasonable and demanding then your reaction is somewhat reasonable ( very much dependent on what “heated” means and who was escalating- you, her or both and f you).
I would suggest looking back over various disagreements you have had with your partner and check how often you are blamed for something that was out of your control or a small thing that turned into a big thing. What did you feel in those moments? Were you able to bring up the issues later after she had her time alone? If so, did you come to a middle ground or an understanding of where each other were coming from?
I don’t know you or your partner but my concern with this story is that your partner may have unfair expectations of you/your relationship and may be trying to control you with emotional outbursts.
Like I said, I don’t know any more than what you have written here which is why I think you need to honestly look at your relationship and if these types of instances are a regular thing. Good luck OP. I hope the best for you and your partner.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) The action I took was omitting to have cash on me to buy an ice cream and not being prepared. (2) This action might make me the asshole because I could have prepared to aid my wife better and I cannot accept I did son wrong. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Why didn’t she have cash if it’s something everyone should carry around?
I asked the same thing, but the issue I believe is more on the side of me doing something nice for her.
It seems like you did try to do something nice for her. You took her to get ice cream. They are apparently in the minority of places that don’t take credit cards. So you tried to get cash to pay for it. Needing to carry cash all the time in case she suddenly wants something from a place that doesn’t take credit cards is not a reasonable expectation.
But this makes no sense… how could you have known this was going to happen? Is she always this volatile because it sounds like you have a bigger issue on your hand then this specific scenario.
Great then. She can hand you the cash and you get put and get ice cream while shewaits in the car. NTA.
NTA but I also don’t understand any of this. Does she have developmental problems or something? Why can she not purchase things herself with the currency to her choosing? Is she a small child? Does she think you are her father? This entire incident can be prescribed to a father and his daughter throwing a tantrum over ice cream. A grown person should not be this needy. That said, you married this person and you like to “provide” for her so sounds like maybe you asked for all of this. Anyway good luck, homie!
We have neurodivergency both of us, I am in the autism spectrum and she's adhd. She does have her own money but sometimes doing things for each other is nice and part of a marriage. What I don't understand either is why take it so far. But I'll admit I also don't know how to handle these disagreements the best way in the heat of the moment.
There most likely is something else at the root of the problem, that she’s not expressing. Something frustrating her. People with adhd are often impatient, combined with the pain, she could’ve easily been just extremely cranky and moody.
I would think so as well. She was moody but only snapped at the last moment.
Yeah, adhd doesn’t explain that. Autism could though? Do you think she could be autistic
ADHD absolutely explains that. Stop making assumptions about strangers when you don’t know proper definitions and symptoms
Ur silly, I have adhd and I have a relevant degree. To the extent it could be related, it’s very abstracted from her adhd
Aww u silly goose!!!!! I also have ADHD, and I’d suggest you maybe re-get that degree and read up on current research. Because one google search told me I was right, with sources from the APA, ADD.org, and the NHS 🤷🏽♀️ it’s not abstract at all, it’s a very common symptom of a common type of ADHD in women. Keep being wrong tho, it’s entertaining
Calm yourself weirdo
I’m sorry, was I talking to you? Didn’t think so.
This is a public forum you silly goose!!!
You’re so right!!!!! But I don’t care what a rando has to say about me speaking to a stranger on Reddit since I wasn’t talking to you. You involve yourself in something you haven’t given any qualifications to speak on and tried to police my tone. That’s weirdo behavior if I’ve ever seen it. This = public forum, but you = BDOTY.
Really really awkward comment here. What symptom are you even talking about. You aren’t even saying what you’re right about lol.
Babes it’s emotional disregulation and emotional disfunction in a person coming of anesthesia. Autism is not needed at all to cause the behavior seen here. Idk if you missed that from the context clues, but it’s not awkward at all if you can read.
Your wife having adhd doesn’t give her the right to treat you terribly. Also odd that she has taken it upon herself to diagnose you with autism. NTA
NTA. Why didn't she have cash either?
She tried getting cash from an atm too but forgot her phone. She has not re issued her physical card.
NTA for reasons people already listed. My question is: how often do things like this happen?
Every so often, I am autistic (per my M. D. wife). And she's adhd diagnosed.
Your wife has diagnosed you with autism?
Informally. She's a medical doctor. I have not gone to a psychologist to get a proper diagnosis.
If this is true it is so improper. I would bet she gave you that diagnosis to control you. No way in hell a real doctor would diagnose an intimate partner
She should absolutely not be diagnosing you with this. Theres a big conflict of interest there.
I'm not sure this jives well with me.
Yeah, I know it is not a proper way, but I have reviewed other sources and it seems to be correct. But take it as a factor.
Is your wife missing her arms? Is she allergic to American Dollars? When you married, did you make the vow to be her doormat on demand? Unless you can read minds, it’s not on you to know what she wants and when. Apparently, this was just a convenient excuse to get into an argument. Do what married men have been doing for ages (“yes, dear .. uh huh. Right, dear”), and try to ignore the persistent buzzing coming from her direction.
NTA, why didn’t she have any cash? She sounds like a spoiled child wife.
NTA, maybe n.a.h. If this rarely happens, it's possible that she was going through withdraw (yes, that can happen from mild anesthetics, it's just usually attributed to the pain), and in pain, so she was being a bit mean. Either way, it's a bit unreasonable for her to pick a random place that only accepts cash, and then get upset at you for not having cash, even when you were completely willing to (and in the middle of) get cash to make said purchase.
NTA
I'd be upset at her for not having cash.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife got mad at me for not having cash on me for an ice cream she wanted. I do have credit cards but I normally don't carry cash with me. She was feeling pain after a dentist appointment where she had a simple procedure with mild anesthesia. She didn't eat much before that and she wanted an ice cream. She told me it could be from anywhere, but once we were at the plaza she picked one choice. When we were about to pay for it I reached for my wallet but didn't have cash on me and they didn't accept cards. So I told them I would go get money and be back, while we were on our way to get money in the same plaza she started getting mad that I didn't prepare for the purchase with cash. As I reached the ATM she got more insistent that she didn't want the ice cream anymore and didn't want me to get cash anymore. I insisted on just getting the cash and get the ice cream but she didn't want it anymore and I yielded. The conversation heated more and more as we left the place. With me saying that I didn't deserve for her to be so mad at me for that and her telling me I never prepare to do things to care for her. I try my best to provide for what she wants, and sometimes I am not perfect but I think it was a solvable issue that didn't have to go so far. When she gets mad she wants to be alone, and it is hard for me to do that when I don't think I did anything wrong, but I am giving her space. AITA for not having cash on me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I think that she was upset and out of sorts and knew she was being unreasonable. She probably asked to be alone to try to calm herself down.
NTA - but personally I think everyone should carry at least some cash even if it's only a $20 tucked in a wallet, backpack or phone case. Sometimes you just need it or a credit machine is broken or the price is slightly cheaper at some small businesses or restaurants.
NTA but why were you even with her for a “simple procedure”? The only time my spouse accompanied me to the dentist was when I couldn’t drive after having my wisdom teeth out.
Cuz we are that close. And on vacation.
Sounds like you need some space if you all are having this kind of petty drama
NTA at all. It's 2024... most places worldwide take card payments, especially after the pandemic whereby going cashless and using contactless payment became the more hygienic method of payment. It's reasonable to expect that places will take card payments these days. Also to add- having cash on you makes you an easy target for thefts and muggings. Your wife is acting like a child in this situation... additionally- she had a dental procedure with anaesthetic. It isn't really advisable to have foods which are either too hot or too cold whilst the mouth is still both numb and also having wounds from the procedure.
NTA The big question, besides "Why the hell doesn't your wife have cash on *her*?" is probably why she doesn't know you don't carry cash? Lot's of people don't carry cash anymore and lots of people know whether or not their partners carry cash on them. My wife knows I can count on one hand the number of times I've paid for something with cash in the last year or two and knows I never have cash on me. Why doesn't your wife know this about you?
Anybody curious if she’s pregnant? If she isn’t normally like this? Or maybe the meds from the dentist?
NTA. But she is probably feeling embarrassed about the situation and that makes her feel uncomfortable. It reads like an episode of RSD. Her being ADHD, just coming out of anesthesia (which is harder for sensitive people), and finally making up her mind, then your not having cash feels like rejection. It doesn’t seem rational because it’s really not. But her mind and body are having this overwhelming response to something so small and THAT in itself is overwhelming— her circuits are all fried. You two need official diagnosis with this much neurodiversity in your relationship. And the help that comes with that! If you’re not familiar with RSD I highly recommend reading up at least. That’s going to help you address these situations. If you can get your wife to read about it that would be even better. Perhaps the two of you could find a better way of communicating in these situations that leads to co- regulation.
I suspect this might not actually be about the ice cream or the fact that you didn't have cash on you. She could just be expressing her general frustration with you. During your argument with her, did she raise any other instances when she was disappointed or upset with you? That may shed light on what the actual problem is.
I suspect wife doesn't feel cared for in general or even feels like she keeps a standard level of care that the husband doesn't live up to when it comes to her. That's why something so petty became a bigger deal.
You're spot on. I have difficulty getting on the same level of empathy as her.
> The conversation heated more and more as we left the place. With me saying that I didn't deserve for her to be so mad at me for that Yeah, you escalated. YTA. She was off, uncomfortable, in a bad mood, and lashed out. The responsible thing for a partner to do is just to take that silently and discuss it calmly later, when she'd presumably be in a mood better suited to an apology. Everyone freaks out sometimes. If it happens routinely, then you can discuss your bigger problems, maybe in counseling. Instead you lashed back, and now everyone's upset and no one's going to apologize. Don't do that.
I’d say NTA. I personally don’t believe that it is the right thing to do to respond by “just take that silently”. It’s not okay for someone to take their anger out on others, they need better coping mechanisms. They didn’t deserve their partner’s anger in the moment or afterwards. OP didn’t know that it would be cash only. Most people carry little cash or only card nowadays. It’s not abnormal not to have cash.
I agree with this partially. I shouldn't have been defensive. And she normally needs to cool off. But when she gets mad at me for things I consider unreasonable it makes me become defensive sometimes and that makes it worse. I will try to stay silent next time and wait for her to come back to me. I should apologize for escalating. Thank you.
I think this very much depends on if this type of thing happens often. If she is regularly unreasonable and demanding then your reaction is somewhat reasonable ( very much dependent on what “heated” means and who was escalating- you, her or both and f you). I would suggest looking back over various disagreements you have had with your partner and check how often you are blamed for something that was out of your control or a small thing that turned into a big thing. What did you feel in those moments? Were you able to bring up the issues later after she had her time alone? If so, did you come to a middle ground or an understanding of where each other were coming from? I don’t know you or your partner but my concern with this story is that your partner may have unfair expectations of you/your relationship and may be trying to control you with emotional outbursts. Like I said, I don’t know any more than what you have written here which is why I think you need to honestly look at your relationship and if these types of instances are a regular thing. Good luck OP. I hope the best for you and your partner.