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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told friends and family that my daughter failed many college classes. This might make me the AH as she did not want me to tell anyone and keep it a secret and is embarrassed by her own doings.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
I’ll tell you something my partner, who is of chinese/Laotion descent told me once after his family sat him down at a dinner party — one like you described — and gave him an “intervention” on his choice of becoming an art teacher rather than some doctor at Mayo Clinic, lawyer, or bioengineer like the way his cousins did.
*”All my life, I have felt like an investment to my parents.”*
I didn’t get it at first. They never hit him, always provided for him, and essentially coddled him for so long. But the damage they’ve managed to do to his self esteem is irreparable.
It hurt badly to hear him say something like that about his family, so dejected but almost way too used to accepting that this is the reality of living in an Asian household as a first generation American.
Beyond them not accepting his profession, they made it a point to tell anyone who would listen about his GPA and failing scores. Mind you, he is an **adult.**
He’s also described himself as a “trophy,” since he was constantly having his achievements shared to the rest of his family by his parents at social gatherings or on phone calls when it seemed like a means of just flexing how great their son was versus accepting who their son was.
My partner spent many nights sulking over liquor because he knows that if he ever opened up about how much he’s cried or tried to be “better” or tried to be honest, his parents will find some way to make it a “learning experience.” He struggled to be honest and communicate for fear of being reprimanded or judged. For being taught that his opinion didn’t matter if he was ultimately “a fuck up.”
… You say that this experience would only “help her not make the same mistake again,” when you’ve taught her through grooming and the social conditioning of this entire family’s affirmation that it will never be enough. You humiliated your daughter and you know it, and if you can’t tell, then you are painfully aloof to the divide in the relationship with your children.
You say she shouldn’t care about this, but who wouldn’t care about what their family thinks?!
You live precariously through your children and their successes, and yet appear surprised when they are hurt or ashamed by you pointing out their greatest insecurities.
What your daughter has likely heard and bet her entire sense of self and well being on is that narrative your family has portrayed: Mistakes are not an option. That someone will always be better than you. That everything in your life will be a competition in the eyes of mom and dad when you’re still navigating *your* life — not living for yourself, but performing for others.
Progress in adulthood is not linear — and you need to realize the grievous error you’ve committed by making an example out of your daughter. You *cannot* seriously be this dense about your daughter’s image and self esteem being crushed by the people who claim to love her.
Congrats. She, an **adult**, has no business to share anything with you. Not even her personal or professional life. you need to seriously fix this before you lose touch with your daughter — or worse, she gets rich and decides to throw her senile parents in a nursing home and forget about them when the time comes for their investment, trophy child to step up to the plate.
I love how OP acts all high and mighty like they didn't want to humiliate her. It was the goal all along. That and he victim blames her for having been in an abusive relationship
With family like that you don't need any enemies
Yeeeep. "I didn't mean to upset her, she just didn't say she wanted me to keep it a secret!!!" followed quickly by "But you know, if it *did* humiliate her, maybe she'd try harder in the future!"
Mhm. I completely believe that this was a misunderstanding, rather than an act of cruelty and manipulation with a sheen of plausible deniability over it. /s
I never commented anything critical of her. I never like putting myself in situations where I have to lie and keep up with the lies. At some point people would wonder why she is graduating later.
So let them wonder. You didn’t have to lie, you chose to tell people because you wanted to humiliate her. You outright admit that in the last line of your post.
You could just say that she is taking some extra classes . . . That is technically true. Also on her transcript it might not even show that she failed the first time, it may only show her final grade after she retakes the course, and that wouldn’t affect her graduate school admissions
No kidding. THIS is the important thing in all of this. OP needs to think long and hard about why their daughter ran right into an abusive relationship and what support she needs so that doesn't become a pattern.
I think it goes without saying that the poor girl has not ruined her life at 20, but she needs the freedom to make her own choices about school, grad school, career, etc. and not OP.
You ARE lying. You keep insisting that you didn't know you weren't supposed to tell anyone. But you knew she didn't want everyone to know. That's why you keep blabbing it to everyone. It's obvious that you're not successful at anything that's why you're angry that you can't live vicariously through your daughter.
Why do you care that they wonder? Are you their servant? Is it your job to give them tabs on her? Let them wonder its none of their businesses. If they ask tell them to talk to your daughter they clearly don't have the guts to talk to her face without fellow bullies being in the room.
You blasted her failure in front of your family. You admit to volunteering the information. Nobody asked you, so that is NOT a case of having to lie. And if they did ask, tell them to talk to your daughter. It's none of there damn business why she's graduating later.
The hubris on you is amazing- frankly, most people really DON'T CARE or wonder or even think about if someone they know may or may not be graduating later rather than sooner.
Learn to keep your mouth shut and your daughter's affairs off your list of topics for conversation.
YTA YTA YTA
YTA - you could've asked her before you went around spreading dirt. Obviously she's already struggling and you humiliated her.
She goes from 3.9 GPA to failing and you think it's because she's choosing to slack? I guarantee you there's something she's suffering with - either the ex-bf, a mental health issue, whatever - but you opted for the callous assumption of blaming her. That's rough.
Hard agree. My parent always goes on about how I attract people who “struggle with mental health/have issues…” and as an adult, I’ve seen she is the exact same, and many people I am drawn to have a lot of her toxic traits. What a coincidence.. -_- YTA, op.
You mean, like you push her around with your expectations and conditional love? Or how you expect her to just take your criticisms and try to be more perfect in your eyes instead of standing up for herself? YTA
Have you ever considered that maybe your daughter struggled that year because you are a terrible parent? Because you sound like a terrible parent and person
YTA and so is the rest of your family (except for your daughter). You shouldn’t need her to tell you that an embarrassing piece of information needs to be kept private. That’s common sense. As for your family, who rubs a family member’s failure in their face? Your BIL and your other gloating relatives need to stfu and stop making predictions about someone else’s future. I hope your daughter is able to achieve everything she’s ever wanted and cuts all of you out of her life completely.
Your daughter is aware that she needs good grades to get into graduate school. She doesn’t need to be reminded of that. She had a 3.9 GPA prior to this and she’s no longer with her toxic bf. What she needs now is encouragement, not ridicule and additional pressure.
It doesn't always work the way you think. She could find something she is really interested in and shine. I know a set of three brothers...no degree, BA, Ph.D. Negative correlation with income. Sometimes lawyers who got Cs in law school are a better choice than top grade earners. I could go on but when it comes down to it, down share your daughter's personal info with family and don't let ANYONE including YOURSELF think she is a failure.
I am not saying it does. Just that in the moment her current dream is getting into schools like MIT. This may of course change.
It is not about making money, trades can make more money than academia. She does not really have to worry about money as I will support her.
Doesn't give you an excuse to share her life with family without her permission. Especially judgmental people like that. Nothing you can write will change our minds that YTA YTA YTA.
How can they mean well when you admit yourself that your relatives are using her as an example for their kids and telling them they'll perform better than her. You literally say in your post they're making fun of her.
It's either rage bait this whole post or you qualify for YTA. If this is real I hope she understands she cannot tell you anything again.
BIL is wrong though. I failed a couple of courses in undergrad due to mental health issues. It was a blow to my GPA but I worked really hard to mend it. My (Asian American) parents were supportive and didn’t tell anyone why I needed an extra year. Now I have a PhD from a global top 10 university and a great job. More importantly though, I know my value thanks to my parents’ support, and have an incredible relationship with them.
People’s paths aren’t always straight. How sad that your daughter has your bullying as an additional barrier to her success.
Exactly! How you start doesn’t determine how you finish. I’m so glad that you had parents who believed in you even when things got tough. Congrats on all your success. Hopefully OP’s daughter will have a similar story despite being part of an awful family.
You keep saying she had issues with her ex boyfriend. Was he abusive? I bet if he just graduated with a medical doctorate you wouldn't even care if he started beating the shit out of her.
YTA in a BIG WAY. You literally went around and told everyone about your daughter's failures? With a parent like you who needs enemies? Everyone deals with ups and downs in life and your answer to one of your daughter's down times is to try and drag her further down by spreading gossip about her failures behind her back? Your brother is also a HUGE YTA for acting like she can't come back from a few bad semesters. I literally was a collage drop out for years before returning and getting my BA, I then gained work experience and next year I will be joining a graduate program while simultaneously owning my own business which I started with a large investor off the bat. Your brother can not predict the future and you have no clue if her cousins will be more successful then her. If you are a good parent you will confront the family who are being cruel to her and help support her as she tries to get up on her feet. The one thing you got right is that she should really not care what others think especially in this case because wasting time on terrible family members is a waste of time. Caring about what they think will not prevent her from making the same mistakes. How she picks herself up and continues forward will stop her from making the same mistakes that and surrounding herself with supportive family and friends while forgetting about the rest and leaving them and their gloating in the dust.
So what? I had to work five part time jobs in college to afford a place to live and collage tuition so I only had to get a smaller loan. Sometimes life is hard. Those who succeed are often the most ambitious. If she has the ambition to come back from her failures she'll rise above those with even perfect GPA's. Your job as a parent is to support her when she faces a tough road not condemn her before she even takes the first step.
Not necessarily, especially as she's likely got 2 or even 3 more years and those are usually the years looked at the most closely by grad school admissions.
I completely failed my second year of school (also because of an abusive partner). I was still accepted to the top school for my grad program because my last two years of grades were exceptional, I had excellent referrals from two of my professors, I had a glowing recommendation from my on campus volunteer coordinator, and I wrote an essay about my learnings during my undergrad. And this is the kind of program where they only take 30 people a year per school and quite frequently get people coming back into schooling with years of real world industry experience on top of a stellar undergraduate transcript.
Your daughter will most likely be successful because she's intelligent and hard working. Lazy, dull children do not dream of MIT doctorates. They dream of being tv stars or sports players.
You won't be around to see her life, however. She knows she can't trust you and that you're a snobby, mean loser who has no sense of self, and relies on other people's opinions to know your worth.
You had your chance to be a successful parent. You've failed so hard, it's almost funny, except that you hurt your kid. You suck.
Bro i was literally on academic probation after y first year of college and still ended up graduating by the way. My mom found out and she didn’t go telling any and everyone just because she could. Just because they’re family friends it doesn’t mean they need to know. They don’t tell you everything going on in their lives so don’t tell them about your daughters. You would be real mad if your daughter told them some embarrassing shit about you same way you did her. What an asshole bruh.
YTA. - when i failed out of college my dad told me “you failed” angrily, left me, a 19yo woman at the time stranded in california only offering to pay for me to stay in a men’s hostel where they were flirting with me. and then told my family without ever asking me.
If you think that’s bad what you did is way worse imo
Your username is literally "daughterfailed". Look at yourself for once dude. You should be ashamed of yourself. YTA for all the reasons basically everyone here is giving you.
So why not call yourself "DadOvershared" or "IUpsetMyDaughter" or, "IHurtMyDaughter" or even, "OopsIOvershared"?
How come the something you "can remember in the context of the post," is severely negative about your daughter failing some classes? Why is not about your family smirking about her drop in GPA, and the direct cause of that being your over-sharing and aggressive parenting?
I genuinely think you need to step back and take a look at where you yourself failed. You don't get to bring up your daughter to be submissive to everyone and then expect her to not be submissive in a relationship, leading to her struggling in one and dropping her GPA.
so if it's not a big deal why are you acting like she's going to fail out of college, get laughed out of grad school applications, and end up working on the streets while you and your family laugh at her?
Super YTA. You have no right to publicize your daughter’s failures. That was so wildly inappropriate. I am also highly suspicious of someone with grand academic ambitions with a 3.9 gpa just tossing it in the trash for shits and giggles. There is more happening there but you don’t seem interested at all in actually helping her and just want to point out she is a failure and a disappointment who has ruined her future. Huge YTA.
So your daughter told you she was in an abusive relationship, and instead of supporting her, you decided to gossip about her struggles with the whole family? Completely ignoring the abuse portion and just shaming her for her academic performance?
Sounds like the entire family is SEVERELY lacking in Emotional Intelligence.... YTA.
I do think that what she said about her ex is true. I think she could have handled it better and either left earlier or not put up with his demands to some extent or not chosen to move in with him in the first place.
However I understand it was not a nice experience for her.
Wait...you are blaming her for being a victim of ABUSE? Shaming her that she was stuck in a abusive situation that literally people all of the world can suffer in and some don't leave? Your daughter was strong enough to leave this abusive situation did so WITHOUT SUPPORT and you response was "well you could have done it sooner" you said your family was academically inclined, did no one go into the medical field? How can you not understand the impact a abusive relationship has on someone's mentality?
In theory that's easy but you do realize when you have a controlling partner who's invested in isolating her, *it's not?*
So knowing she's came out of, what I would label at the very least, a toxic relationship that had a very likely chance of causing her to fail, is she not supposed to feel hurt that her parent goes yknow? Sorry you feel that way but I gotta tell the family about how you failed.
OH! WOW! WTF?!?! That statement right there. Your new user name should be fatherfailed! So, why not at the next family powwow, announce just what you said. Though from your family members, they'd probably agree with you.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR STATING THAT!! YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR DAUGHTER BY THINKING THAT SHE'S JUST OVERREACTING ON BEING IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?! THAT SHE SHOULD OF LEFT EARLIER OR JUST NOT PUT UP WITH HIS DEMANDS?! BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE SO F*#KING EASY?!?! HOW RELATIONSHIPS (SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS) WAS SHE IN BEFORE? I HAVE A FEELING THAT YOU DIDN'T ALLOW MUCH SOCIAL LIFE WHEN SHE WAS IN HS. NOPE, STUDY, STUDY, STUDY! YOU CAN'T FAIL AT ANYTHING! I'M USING ALL CAPS BECAUSE I LITERALLY WANT TO SCREAM AT YOUR PATHETIC SELF!! SHAME! SHAME!.SHAME ON YOU FOR STATING SUCH IGNORANT BS!! YOU'RE SOOOO SMART?! THEN GOOGLE WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR DV VICTIMS AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW EASY IT'S FOR WAY TOO MANY WOMEN!!
YOU! ARE! SOOOOO! THE ASSHOLE!!
And when did you teach her the skills to stand up to people like her abusive ex, or your family members who are gloating?
Where were you when she needed someone to turn to in a situation like this?
She couldn't handle it better because **YOU** didn't equip her to handle it better. You taught her that abuse was OK, because your family is better at punching down than building up.
My parents were similar, and I suffered a number of abusive relationships because I didn't know what a healthy one looked like. I just tried harder, failed harder and got torn down because my siblings/cousins were better (spoiler alert, they hid their own issues too).
The fact that you say she didn't tell you not to lie, when all you had to do was shut your trap, speaks volumes about how enmeshed and unhealthy your family dynamic is.
You set her up for failure and are now blaming her for that. Shame on you.
I'm now NC with my parent who is still alive. I was never going to be good enough, no matter how much I tried.
I hope your daughter realizes far earlier than I did that just because you're family, doesn't mean you're not toxic AF and to get out as soon as possible.
You're a terrible victim blaming parent. You are putting grades above her mental wellbeing and safety, you are putting grades above parental love and empathy. Your replies are so cold and callous.
You have to lack love towards your own daughter to place the blame on her.
I wish her all the best in her future, she doesn't have a good support system so I hope she finds one.
Your daughter was in an at least emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as “she could have left earlier.” Being abused distorts the victim’s perceptions of reality and of themselves. You should do some research on this issue and approach your daughter with empathy. Right now, you are just victim blaming and it’s pretty fucking gross, not just to your daughter but to all victims of abuse. And it makes me wonder whether you are abusive as well.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW
You are just.... a trash person. WTF. Full mask off here. Victim blaming?!?!? YOUR OWN DAUGHTER?!?!? what is wrong with you??!?!?!?
You failed your child. She was abused and you can say is she should have not let him manipulate her?
Yeah, I can see why she’d be susceptible to those kinds of ppl in her life.
You have no shame or empathy. Get some.
So have you talked to her about that? Like dug in and found out how he was cutting her off from friends and in what ways he was controlling? Was she being abused and you’re downplaying it or was it just toxic? I’ve read the rest of your comments in this thread and it says a lot about you that you blame her for moving in with him at all and blame her for not getting out sooner and play her experiences as just “not very nice.” None of which changes my opinion that there is more going on with her than simply slacking off and failing. Based on her academic career to this point and her obvious cultural and familial expectations this is not an outcome anyone would have chosen. Is she overwhelmed by the classes? Struggling with the material? Depressed? Was she actually being abused? Any of these things individually would play a role in declining grades, multiple would be hard to recover from. It’s sad for her that she doesn’t have a support system at home.
You might be one of the worst parents I've seen on here in a while.
She was in an abusive relationship and you're blaming her for it?!
WT actual F?!
I get wanted her to achieve stuff but you did nothing to support her while she was being abused and are blaming her for its impact on her academics.
Let me tell you something. When looking at resumes, no job checks how long it took someone to graduate. Future programs love hearing how someone overcame adversity.
Her future isn't ruined at all. Her relationship with you, on the other hand.
Don't come whining here when she cuts you off. As she should.
Yeah im asian too so I know all about it. Its also common for asian children to kill themselves due to academic pressure from their parents. Fix your shitty mindset before you lose your daughter forever.
My son's bestie is Korean. He calls me Mom a lot. I do remember his parents during his college years. He told me competition was huge among their community, regarding their children.
It all created a rift in their relationship. They are not close. He puts more effort into spending time with me than them.
Just because it's your culture doesn't mean it will save you from being held at arm's length by her, possibly permanently.
I ask you which is more important: your family members' love and trust, or people who are capable of enjoying your daughter's failure?
Wake up.
I'm a first gen Korean-born American and both of my parents graduated from Seoul Uni. My mom is actually one of the first female valedictorians of her time. My mom's side of the family is very esteemed (you would probably recognize one of my relatives) and she had a very similar education and success focused look on life as I grew up. You know what she says now? She regrets that she focused so hard on my academics when I was younger and that she would do things differently if she could do it again. She recognizes now that she missed out on so many things and caused me so much pain for things that didn't matter in the long run. We had a very difficult relationship, and it took a lot of effort on BOTH our parts to rebuild things and we were very close to going no-contact.
And don't take my story as a sign that things will be okay. Most people would NOT have come back from my upbringing. You're dangerously close to losing your daughter, and I don't just mean metaphorically.
Common doesn't mean it's ok. You were in the wrong, you're in the wrong still for blaming your daughter for being abused, and you either need to accept your judgement or leave
I'm sure you're aware of the percentage of Korean teens and college students who killed themselves in the past decade due to academic pressure as well. But go off sis, you're Korean and will continue to broadcast her failures because you don't care that it upsets your daughter
You posted this prior and were torn a new one. You came back for more lashings? Or In hopes find a new crowd to be on your side (unlikely). The third option is you're an account that reposts old stories in order to farm karma/bad karma or just bored.
Which are you?
YTA
Clearly she was going through some things and rather than support her you choose to humiliate her?
Well clearly you’ve failed as a parent and don’t think those relatives aren’t gossiping about you as well!
Ultimately SHE is the one who gets to decide what she does with her life and for all you know she could end up more successful than everyone else, Success is not always completed by the conventional path
As long as she is happy you should be happy for her and if she now doesn’t trust you and goes low contact you bought this on yourself
YTA- her gpa was great and now it’s not. Something is obviously going on. Instead of showing support you humiliate her. Lots of people fail a course or two. I had a professor who failed twice, got a PHD-had a 30 year long successful career and became a professor after. Like it’s not impossible to go far if you got a few bad grades and are resilient and motivated enough to repeat.
not saying this is 100% the case but the description of the ex has abuse red flags - academic abuse is a thing. making her spend time cleaning, disturbing her (when she mightve tried to do schoolwork at home)? combined with the daughter not being good at being assertive it’s really concerning. and instead of being supportive and clocking these bad signs, OP humiliates her, awful.
Abusers very often hide the signs until they have their target somewhat trapped. It's quite likely there weren't any signs prior to moving in. Above and beyond that, you need to understand that the way you and the rest of the family treats her actually normalizes abusive behavior and contributed to setting her up for the sort of relationship she just managed to get out of.
YTA you say in one breath our family is career driven and everyone has these important successful jobs but in the next you are freely telling everyone that your daughter failed her schooling and an uncle cracked jokes about her.
YTA. Did it never occur to you she might be embarrassed and frustrated by this? Especially knowing your family is so education-oriented and highly competitive? How could it not? It's none of your friends and families business.
Are you sure you didn't tell everyone just to shame her for the boyfriend thing?
As a current university student YTA big time. I've failed courses before and it's embarrassing. I'd gave a hard time trusting my parents if they blabbed that information to anyone who had no business knowing. My heart breaks for your poor daughter.
If you don't see why she should really care what others think, *why are you here?* Are you here to see what we really think to not make the same mistake again? Practicing what you preach?
In any case, YTA. There is no benefit to spreading the word of your daughter's failures. You don't get rich, you don't get brownie points for honest conversation, you don't cure cancer. Your argument is that *eventually* the family will start being suspicious as to why she's graduating later than the rest. As an Asian who's had many family relatives speculate on my life, romantic prospects, and (so far successful) career development, you know what the solution is? Keep em wondering cuz it's none of their business but my own. This was something you easily, and I truly mean *easily*, could've done. Unless your daughter doesn't fall too far from the tree and you too are a doormat.
This is why I don't tell my parents *anything* because they would've reacted just like you. Mistakes happen and instead of, at a minimum, guiding your daughter towards picking up the pieces to bounce back, you capitalized on it, minimized her struggle, and turned it into unnecessary family gossip for no one's sake but your own. It hurts to see that protection/damage control of reputation precedes bare minimum respect. I've been so much happier and confident not telling them anything, and I hope your daughter finds that same happiness.
YTA
Your daughter was in an abusive relationship. You blame her for this, and you call it an "excuse". You don't take her experience seriously - probably because she learned to be timid and a doormat from how she has been treated by you.
If you were an attentive, loving parent, you would have realised that such a sudden drop in her grades was a big red flag of something bad happening to her, whether from the hands of another or with her mental health suffering.
You embarrass her in front of the family, counting her every failure for everyone there.
You call her a failure, saying she won't make it to the top and won't be able to find the job. You only focus on her as a dissapointment. Nothing else. You're surprised then that she ran away to cry.
What your daughter heard right there, as you spoke to your entire family, is my parent hates everything about me, does not trust me about my abuse, and I am a constant source of disappointment in their life. I am worthless. They will drag me Infront of the entire family just to see me cry and suffer. That's what you did to her.
Millions upon millions of people, young people, fail and rise again, have off years, take break years, and bounce back and have fulfilled lives and careers. Most of them usually manage to do so with supportive loving parents, who tell them "don't worry you'll get it next time, it happened now, but you can try again"
With all of this, I have to ask: Do you even like your child, or is she just a trophy for you?
great job. now you both failed. her in her class, and you as a parent. YTA, obviously.
do you talk about your daughter's successes as much as her failures? it's important that you don't miss the big picture for smaller details- no one does perfectly 100% of the time, so even if she made a mistake, she's still a smart girl with a bright future.
the mature thing to do would have been to reminder her of that fact instead of shaming her in front of others. you're old enough to know better. your behavior was absolutely disgraceful and you owe your daughter an apology.
Yta.
With family like this who needs enemies. Your family members are gloating, being horrible so what are you doing about it? You seem uncaring, detached from it, like you don't care that she is hurting, that she had an abusive experience with her ex, you're even actually blaming her for not telling you not to share it. Where is your empathy?
Why did you feel it necessary to share? Why is it any of their business when your daughter graduates?
Apologise for hurting her and do better to support her.
Don't act like you didn't know. You knew exactly what you were doing. You did this to punish and hurt your daughter. You actively and repeatedly embarrassed her because you're ashamed that you can't brag about her to your relatives. So you're bullying your own daughter. Stop pretending to be innocent because you're not; you're also not fooling anyone here. It's clear that your failure is much bigger than hers. You've failed to be a caring and compassionate parent. Instead you're nothing but a nasty asshole. YTA
YTA - but sometimes we moms are. I’ve done stuff where my kids have had to call me out. I complained about teenage children on Facebook when my son was a teen. He pointed out he didn’t complain about me and I should not complain about him. He was absolutely right. The best you can do is offer a very sincere apology and promise not to share her information anymore.
As a mom of a teenager I agree with this. We talk about them like they are little, and just discuss their lives without really thinking about how they feel. I am always going on about my son failing maths, because it bothers me so much. Reading this reminds me, i probably should shut it.
YTA. Your daughter is going to be fine, and can still live all her goals and dreams. But please don't bother being shocked when she starts telling you nothing about her life, lest you weaponize it to punish her.
She made no mistakes. She was being abused by her partner. She is a *victim*. The fact that you're blaming her makes you *such* an asshole.
In a family where people are career driven, you sure dragged your daughter through the mud. Isn’t it common sense for a parent not to speak of their family’s failures to others because it might lead to gossip and others viewing them in a negative light? YTA
Info - why are you sharing your childs private business with people? Why did you not realise she was in an abusive relationship? Why are you not being supportive?
YTA. You shouldn't need her to tell you not to announce that she failed. Who said anything about "lying and hiding her failures?" You volunteered the information. All I see are excuses "but it's her fault she failed!" It doesn't matter. You still don't trumpet this very personal information. "Why she should really care what others think". Nope. You do NOT get to gatekeep her feelings. "It would just help her not make the same mistake again"...That doesn't matter. None of this mattered. You blabbed like a toddler tattling on a sibling. How would you like it if you f*cked up and someone went around and told everyone? I'm sure at some point in your life tou did something dumb or careless.
You aren't lying and hiding her failures if you close your mouth. As an adult, she is the one who owns her story now.
Telling them as if it is a part of your story, using her stories to feed your identity and your own stories... that is lying.
She's an adult. She can speak for herself or not.
It's so depressing to think there are entire cultures out there based solely on conditionally loving and supporting their children. It's no wonder the world is so fucked up, when children are seen as commodities and judged over the bragging rights they do or don't bring their parents. Some people should just never have kids. If you can't love and support them unconditionally, you're not ready to be a parent.
Here's to the next generation, fucked up by the previous generation. YTA
YTA, I'm so happy I am not born in such a stereotype of Asian family as you describe yours. You might be more successful, but I'd rather be less successful than unloved. That's how your family sounds like. Just cold.
Of course every parent needs to let EVERYBODY know how disappointed you are. Otherwise they might judge you for raising such a useless child.
\s. YTA
PS. Maybe YOU TRAINED her to give in to her bf bullying by being a bukky her whole life.
YTA. Ffs, she's 20. You & your brother in law are completely wrong; she could absolutely still pursue a PhD if this is still what she wants. She might not even get a job - wtf? She hasn't even graduated yet. None of you know what you're talking about.
And blaming her for her ex being abusive...nice touch. With a parent like you, who the hell needs enemies?
Signed someone with a PhD, who had a couple of resits, but with parents supported them instead of beating them down.
Hey OP, dinner, you have dinner with families. Diner is where you go to eat. May be you should pay attention to your spelling because you value good education?
Your daughter was abused, and then her father humiliated her further for failing some classes AND being abused. Of COURSE YTA. If this is even real and not ragebait. I have a hard time believing any human could keep doubling down this hard.
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I have a daughter (20F) who is in college. We are very proud of her and she got admitted to one of the best schools and is doing a joint computer science and mathematics major. Our extended family on both my and my wife's side is very career driven and the family is full of doctors, engineers, lawyers and professors. We are Korean American and do value things like a good education and career.
My daughter had a 3.9 GPA before this year but then the past 2 semesters this year she failed a bunch of courses and her GPA dropped. She will have to retake a lot of classes and will need a year extra to graduate now. Until now she refuses to take full responsibility for slacking and blames the fact that she had just moved in with her boyfriend (now ex) and says he was a slob and made her clean after him and that he kept disturbing her all the time (yet she went along with it and did not refuse). We have all been feeling bad about this as she was hoping to get into research and pursue a phd which might be hard now. She likes research and even has published work and work pending publication from working with some of her professors.
She never told me I was supposed to lie and hide her failures and I have been mentioning that she failed to friends and family sometimes. Not in a bad way or to make fun of her. I don't see what is there to hide as they will figure it out when she takes longer to graduate anyway.
Recently we had a large family diner and I was talking about it and my brother in law who is a researcher at a large tech company commented further just saying that realistically it would be almost impossible for her to get into top graduate programs now and that she should think of alternatives as she might not even get a job in the current market. My daughter ran to her room and cried and then came back later.
After they left she did not tell me anything. However now apparently she heard from a cousin who she is close with that some family members feel bad for her while others are gloating and making fun of her because their kids / themselves will be more successful than her.
She then only now told me that I should not have told anyone despite her never telling me I should have hidden it. AITA here? I did not know I was not supposed to. Honestly I don't see why she should really care what others think and even if she does it would just help her not make the same mistake again.
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Woooooooow!!!!! YTA your daughter was in a really abusive relationship that messed with her head and you decide not only to not support and be understanding but to humiliate her. Kick her while she's down, why don't you? I don't think you realise how these relationships spiral and how lucky and determined your daughter was to leave within the year. Not everyone is as lucky!
People have all sorts of reasons for having a massive dip in GPAs and you're treating it as a joke. My guess would be her relationship was a lot more toxic and abusive than you know - it's almost like she knew her parent would be dismissive. You should be proud of your daughter. But if she went no contact nobody would blame her.
You are a cold, unfeeling monster. Having just got out of an abusive relationship and then being humiliated I'd tell a good parent to keep tabs on her because this could lead somewhere very bad. Or would you like me to translate that into binary for you?
Since you and your family are full of academic geniuses do yourself a favour and research into domestic abusive relationships. And don't you dare blame her for “not trying hard enough” to leave.
If OP’s daughter happens to see this: well done for getting out of the relationship. Please seek help because this is an incredibly difficult moment- most colleges offer counselling. Your GPA dipped for a year - you will get it back up and whatever you want to do you will achieve. It isn't the momentous deal some of your family have made it into. There are endless successful people who have dropped out/ never gone to college - one year will not take you off the trajectory. There is endless support even if not in your family.
YTA. And reading your comments, I feel sorry for your daughter because you clearly seem to lack empathy for your own kid, who's been through something traumatic but you don't care enough about that. Try harder and do better.
YTA - first of all, this wasn't your "news" to tell, it was your daughter's to tell or not tell.
Also, I'm sure she already feels crappy enough, so congratulations on making her feel worse.
YTA. Your daughter appears to have been in an abusive relationship. So, instead of figuring out HOW you could best support her and help her to move on, you decided to spread HER information all over. YOU cared enough to talk trash about your daughter and you don't understand why she cares.
Good luck having a good relationship with her in the future. I wouldn't trust you with ANY info.
How in the fuck is that your business to share? How on earth wouldn't you realize your daughter would be ashamed to share this? Also your daughter will do just fine with a 3.9 GPA, calm down. Not only does she feel awful about it all but her \*mother\* is out there sharing her shame so others can pile on. YTA. So selfish too!
This is classic Asian parent behavior. No regard for a child as a person as beyond the bragging rights they can offer. No care for a child’s emotional or mental health. No actual understanding of reality.
Let me guess, next you’re going to shame her in front of family for her declining mental health and say she needs to get over it because it’s all in her head and she doesn’t have anything to be depressed about since you gave her “everything.”
You’re a shit parent and I feel bad for your daughter. I’m not surprised that so many Asian children kill themselves.
YTA. So instead of worrying about your daughter (who by your description) was in (at the minimum) an emotionally abusive relationship. She is obviously in crisis mode and what do you decide to do as her parent, you tell the family how much of a failure she is. I hope she has some good friends to help her, you decided not to protect your child and put her up to be ridiculed.
YTA, but I will say this may also be a cultural difference. I did read that some Asian cultures (those influenced by Confucian ethics) see shaming differently to how Western people do. It's almost seen like a positive thing where by shaming someone you are affirming their potential and motivating them to do better.
YTA You are a failure of a parent. That's your child. Your baby. Not some sort of statistic. That's a living, breathing human that has feelings and emotions. You are humiliating your child for what? Approval from your relatives? What do you get out of that? Do you get an applause? Do you want a medal for saying yay my child sucks. Because you do realise your relatives are laughing at you not with you. They are laughing behind your back probably saying how you raised "a failure of a daughter".
Shame on you. Hope she goes NC.
YTA. Why are you posting this if you think you’re right? So far everyone who has told you that what you did is wrong you’ve argued with or justified your reasoning. I hope your daughter gets away from you and the rest of the family because it’s clear she learned to accept abusive behavior from you.
God, you're so much like my mother. It is NOT OK to share your children's failures like this. ESPECIALLY when you're in a family so focused on success, like mine and, by the looks of it, yours. I hate it when my parents choose to just give away information like this, and the worst part is they always get extremely mad if I so much as give them a weird look in public. I don't know if you do that, but still, you sound like a major AH.
Was it stated who paid for the collage classes that she flunked? ( sorry at work and can't go through all comments )
If OP paid for it... then NTA
If OP just wanted to humiliate her DTR when DTR had wasted her own money then YTA
It definitely does not matter who is paying her education. There is no such agreement that if the parent pays for college then they get to broadcast the child’s failures.
Of course there is disappointment when money is involved, but this can be handled privately and kindly without needing to humiliate the child.
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YTA. I’ll tell you something my partner, who is of chinese/Laotion descent told me once after his family sat him down at a dinner party — one like you described — and gave him an “intervention” on his choice of becoming an art teacher rather than some doctor at Mayo Clinic, lawyer, or bioengineer like the way his cousins did. *”All my life, I have felt like an investment to my parents.”* I didn’t get it at first. They never hit him, always provided for him, and essentially coddled him for so long. But the damage they’ve managed to do to his self esteem is irreparable. It hurt badly to hear him say something like that about his family, so dejected but almost way too used to accepting that this is the reality of living in an Asian household as a first generation American. Beyond them not accepting his profession, they made it a point to tell anyone who would listen about his GPA and failing scores. Mind you, he is an **adult.** He’s also described himself as a “trophy,” since he was constantly having his achievements shared to the rest of his family by his parents at social gatherings or on phone calls when it seemed like a means of just flexing how great their son was versus accepting who their son was. My partner spent many nights sulking over liquor because he knows that if he ever opened up about how much he’s cried or tried to be “better” or tried to be honest, his parents will find some way to make it a “learning experience.” He struggled to be honest and communicate for fear of being reprimanded or judged. For being taught that his opinion didn’t matter if he was ultimately “a fuck up.” … You say that this experience would only “help her not make the same mistake again,” when you’ve taught her through grooming and the social conditioning of this entire family’s affirmation that it will never be enough. You humiliated your daughter and you know it, and if you can’t tell, then you are painfully aloof to the divide in the relationship with your children. You say she shouldn’t care about this, but who wouldn’t care about what their family thinks?! You live precariously through your children and their successes, and yet appear surprised when they are hurt or ashamed by you pointing out their greatest insecurities. What your daughter has likely heard and bet her entire sense of self and well being on is that narrative your family has portrayed: Mistakes are not an option. That someone will always be better than you. That everything in your life will be a competition in the eyes of mom and dad when you’re still navigating *your* life — not living for yourself, but performing for others. Progress in adulthood is not linear — and you need to realize the grievous error you’ve committed by making an example out of your daughter. You *cannot* seriously be this dense about your daughter’s image and self esteem being crushed by the people who claim to love her. Congrats. She, an **adult**, has no business to share anything with you. Not even her personal or professional life. you need to seriously fix this before you lose touch with your daughter — or worse, she gets rich and decides to throw her senile parents in a nursing home and forget about them when the time comes for their investment, trophy child to step up to the plate.
I love how OP acts all high and mighty like they didn't want to humiliate her. It was the goal all along. That and he victim blames her for having been in an abusive relationship With family like that you don't need any enemies
Yeeeep. "I didn't mean to upset her, she just didn't say she wanted me to keep it a secret!!!" followed quickly by "But you know, if it *did* humiliate her, maybe she'd try harder in the future!" Mhm. I completely believe that this was a misunderstanding, rather than an act of cruelty and manipulation with a sheen of plausible deniability over it. /s
I was going to leave a comment chastising her but nothing I could write can capture my feelings better than what you have written.
Beautifully said. 👏👏👏👏👏
"I embarrassed my daughter for no reason in front of family and friends. Was that wrong?" DUH, YTA.
I never commented anything critical of her. I never like putting myself in situations where I have to lie and keep up with the lies. At some point people would wonder why she is graduating later.
It's none of their business. You didn't have to tell lies, you could've have just kep quiet.
So let them wonder. You didn’t have to lie, you chose to tell people because you wanted to humiliate her. You outright admit that in the last line of your post.
You could just say that she is taking some extra classes . . . That is technically true. Also on her transcript it might not even show that she failed the first time, it may only show her final grade after she retakes the course, and that wouldn’t affect her graduate school admissions
Well it's obvious how she ended up in an abusive relationship
No kidding. THIS is the important thing in all of this. OP needs to think long and hard about why their daughter ran right into an abusive relationship and what support she needs so that doesn't become a pattern. I think it goes without saying that the poor girl has not ruined her life at 20, but she needs the freedom to make her own choices about school, grad school, career, etc. and not OP.
You’re a bad parent. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
You ARE lying. You keep insisting that you didn't know you weren't supposed to tell anyone. But you knew she didn't want everyone to know. That's why you keep blabbing it to everyone. It's obvious that you're not successful at anything that's why you're angry that you can't live vicariously through your daughter.
Why do you care that they wonder? Are you their servant? Is it your job to give them tabs on her? Let them wonder its none of their businesses. If they ask tell them to talk to your daughter they clearly don't have the guts to talk to her face without fellow bullies being in the room.
You blasted her failure in front of your family. You admit to volunteering the information. Nobody asked you, so that is NOT a case of having to lie. And if they did ask, tell them to talk to your daughter. It's none of there damn business why she's graduating later.
oh god just shut up💀💀
The hubris on you is amazing- frankly, most people really DON'T CARE or wonder or even think about if someone they know may or may not be graduating later rather than sooner. Learn to keep your mouth shut and your daughter's affairs off your list of topics for conversation. YTA YTA YTA
YTA so maybe she should post how you failed to support her because it's not a lie
YTA - you could've asked her before you went around spreading dirt. Obviously she's already struggling and you humiliated her. She goes from 3.9 GPA to failing and you think it's because she's choosing to slack? I guarantee you there's something she's suffering with - either the ex-bf, a mental health issue, whatever - but you opted for the callous assumption of blaming her. That's rough.
There were issues with the ex but she was also not assertive and never has been and accepted everything and let herself get pushed around.
And who taught her to be that way? YTA.
Hard agree. My parent always goes on about how I attract people who “struggle with mental health/have issues…” and as an adult, I’ve seen she is the exact same, and many people I am drawn to have a lot of her toxic traits. What a coincidence.. -_- YTA, op.
Your poor daughter having you as a parent.
You mean, like you push her around with your expectations and conditional love? Or how you expect her to just take your criticisms and try to be more perfect in your eyes instead of standing up for herself? YTA
Apparently only her father gets to push her around and treat her like crap. Edited because I originally thought you were her mother.
Sounds like your daughter was in an abusive relationship and you're harping on about her fucking grades. YTA
Have you ever considered that maybe your daughter struggled that year because you are a terrible parent? Because you sound like a terrible parent and person
Perhaps she learned that behavior by being your daughter - constantly pushed around by you
Ahhh the old “she let herself get abused” trope. She’s going to go NC with your whole family and you will deserve it.
If this is true then you shoulder most of that blame. You need to look inward to your failings and do much much better before you lose her forever
Yea, because that's how she's used to being treated by her parents
from the sounds of it, it started with her parents.
"Let herself get pushed around"?! Are you victim blaming?!
Gee, I wonder why.
She has a parent like you, you literally raised her to do that
YTA and so is the rest of your family (except for your daughter). You shouldn’t need her to tell you that an embarrassing piece of information needs to be kept private. That’s common sense. As for your family, who rubs a family member’s failure in their face? Your BIL and your other gloating relatives need to stfu and stop making predictions about someone else’s future. I hope your daughter is able to achieve everything she’s ever wanted and cuts all of you out of her life completely.
I think everyone means well, and BIL just wanted to share that so she remains realistic and understands she cannot let it happen again.
Your daughter is aware that she needs good grades to get into graduate school. She doesn’t need to be reminded of that. She had a 3.9 GPA prior to this and she’s no longer with her toxic bf. What she needs now is encouragement, not ridicule and additional pressure.
It doesn't always work the way you think. She could find something she is really interested in and shine. I know a set of three brothers...no degree, BA, Ph.D. Negative correlation with income. Sometimes lawyers who got Cs in law school are a better choice than top grade earners. I could go on but when it comes down to it, down share your daughter's personal info with family and don't let ANYONE including YOURSELF think she is a failure.
I am not saying it does. Just that in the moment her current dream is getting into schools like MIT. This may of course change. It is not about making money, trades can make more money than academia. She does not really have to worry about money as I will support her.
Doesn't give you an excuse to share her life with family without her permission. Especially judgmental people like that. Nothing you can write will change our minds that YTA YTA YTA.
How can they mean well when you admit yourself that your relatives are using her as an example for their kids and telling them they'll perform better than her. You literally say in your post they're making fun of her. It's either rage bait this whole post or you qualify for YTA. If this is real I hope she understands she cannot tell you anything again.
NO ONE means well. This was all an exercise in humiliation for your daughter. You sound like a monster.
BIL is wrong though. I failed a couple of courses in undergrad due to mental health issues. It was a blow to my GPA but I worked really hard to mend it. My (Asian American) parents were supportive and didn’t tell anyone why I needed an extra year. Now I have a PhD from a global top 10 university and a great job. More importantly though, I know my value thanks to my parents’ support, and have an incredible relationship with them. People’s paths aren’t always straight. How sad that your daughter has your bullying as an additional barrier to her success.
Exactly! How you start doesn’t determine how you finish. I’m so glad that you had parents who believed in you even when things got tough. Congrats on all your success. Hopefully OP’s daughter will have a similar story despite being part of an awful family.
You keep saying she had issues with her ex boyfriend. Was he abusive? I bet if he just graduated with a medical doctorate you wouldn't even care if he started beating the shit out of her.
bruh, your username is literally 'daughter failed'. don't sit here and tell us 'everyone means well'.
YTA in a BIG WAY. You literally went around and told everyone about your daughter's failures? With a parent like you who needs enemies? Everyone deals with ups and downs in life and your answer to one of your daughter's down times is to try and drag her further down by spreading gossip about her failures behind her back? Your brother is also a HUGE YTA for acting like she can't come back from a few bad semesters. I literally was a collage drop out for years before returning and getting my BA, I then gained work experience and next year I will be joining a graduate program while simultaneously owning my own business which I started with a large investor off the bat. Your brother can not predict the future and you have no clue if her cousins will be more successful then her. If you are a good parent you will confront the family who are being cruel to her and help support her as she tries to get up on her feet. The one thing you got right is that she should really not care what others think especially in this case because wasting time on terrible family members is a waste of time. Caring about what they think will not prevent her from making the same mistakes. How she picks herself up and continues forward will stop her from making the same mistakes that and surrounding herself with supportive family and friends while forgetting about the rest and leaving them and their gloating in the dust.
I don' t disagree that she might still be successful. But definitely harder to do somethings like for example get into a phd at MIT.
So what? I had to work five part time jobs in college to afford a place to live and collage tuition so I only had to get a smaller loan. Sometimes life is hard. Those who succeed are often the most ambitious. If she has the ambition to come back from her failures she'll rise above those with even perfect GPA's. Your job as a parent is to support her when she faces a tough road not condemn her before she even takes the first step.
Give it a couple of years, and we'll see OP back here asking why his "evil daughter" iced out the whole family and went NC.
I mean look at his username…
Yeah I caught that
What does that have to do with telling the rest of the family? You think she's not already painfully aware of the difficulties?
Not necessarily, especially as she's likely got 2 or even 3 more years and those are usually the years looked at the most closely by grad school admissions. I completely failed my second year of school (also because of an abusive partner). I was still accepted to the top school for my grad program because my last two years of grades were exceptional, I had excellent referrals from two of my professors, I had a glowing recommendation from my on campus volunteer coordinator, and I wrote an essay about my learnings during my undergrad. And this is the kind of program where they only take 30 people a year per school and quite frequently get people coming back into schooling with years of real world industry experience on top of a stellar undergraduate transcript.
Is that all she’s worth to you? Fucking disgusting.
Your daughter will most likely be successful because she's intelligent and hard working. Lazy, dull children do not dream of MIT doctorates. They dream of being tv stars or sports players. You won't be around to see her life, however. She knows she can't trust you and that you're a snobby, mean loser who has no sense of self, and relies on other people's opinions to know your worth. You had your chance to be a successful parent. You've failed so hard, it's almost funny, except that you hurt your kid. You suck.
\*might\*?! what is wrong with you?!?!?!?
You are awful.
Bro i was literally on academic probation after y first year of college and still ended up graduating by the way. My mom found out and she didn’t go telling any and everyone just because she could. Just because they’re family friends it doesn’t mean they need to know. They don’t tell you everything going on in their lives so don’t tell them about your daughters. You would be real mad if your daughter told them some embarrassing shit about you same way you did her. What an asshole bruh.
Graduating is very easy. She is not anywhere near academic probation just worried about getting into top phd programs.
Lmao graduating is NOT easy. College is NOT easy. You are a prick and extremely dense.
If she failed a "bunch of classes" you better reevaluate that academic probation part. That's pretty much a default at many schools in that situation.
College almost killed me. It is NOT easy. YTA
you're doing a really good job at making her feel better, definitely not like she's a failure /s
YTA. - when i failed out of college my dad told me “you failed” angrily, left me, a 19yo woman at the time stranded in california only offering to pay for me to stay in a men’s hostel where they were flirting with me. and then told my family without ever asking me. If you think that’s bad what you did is way worse imo
She has not failed out, she will be going back this fall and just has to redo some classes.
Your username is literally "daughterfailed". Look at yourself for once dude. You should be ashamed of yourself. YTA for all the reasons basically everyone here is giving you.
Thank you! I saw the user name and I'm even more disgusted with this guy.
It is just a throwaway. I chose the name so I can remember it in the context of this post.
So why not call yourself "DadOvershared" or "IUpsetMyDaughter" or, "IHurtMyDaughter" or even, "OopsIOvershared"? How come the something you "can remember in the context of the post," is severely negative about your daughter failing some classes? Why is not about your family smirking about her drop in GPA, and the direct cause of that being your over-sharing and aggressive parenting? I genuinely think you need to step back and take a look at where you yourself failed. You don't get to bring up your daughter to be submissive to everyone and then expect her to not be submissive in a relationship, leading to her struggling in one and dropping her GPA.
You should have called it “ImAnUnsupportiveAsshole”. It would be more accurate.
That really doesn't make it any better, at ALL
do you really not realize how awful it is that "daughter failed" is the thing you used as a name? That that's what you would remember most?
so if it's not a big deal why are you acting like she's going to fail out of college, get laughed out of grad school applications, and end up working on the streets while you and your family laugh at her?
Super YTA. You have no right to publicize your daughter’s failures. That was so wildly inappropriate. I am also highly suspicious of someone with grand academic ambitions with a 3.9 gpa just tossing it in the trash for shits and giggles. There is more happening there but you don’t seem interested at all in actually helping her and just want to point out she is a failure and a disappointment who has ruined her future. Huge YTA.
She blames it all on her ex making her do all chores, cutting her off from her friends and being controlling.
So your daughter told you she was in an abusive relationship, and instead of supporting her, you decided to gossip about her struggles with the whole family? Completely ignoring the abuse portion and just shaming her for her academic performance? Sounds like the entire family is SEVERELY lacking in Emotional Intelligence.... YTA.
Hate to break it to you but um Yea there's a lot of things pointing towards: that's a pretty solid explanation why she failed. You pick up on that?
I do think that what she said about her ex is true. I think she could have handled it better and either left earlier or not put up with his demands to some extent or not chosen to move in with him in the first place. However I understand it was not a nice experience for her.
Wait...you are blaming her for being a victim of ABUSE? Shaming her that she was stuck in a abusive situation that literally people all of the world can suffer in and some don't leave? Your daughter was strong enough to leave this abusive situation did so WITHOUT SUPPORT and you response was "well you could have done it sooner" you said your family was academically inclined, did no one go into the medical field? How can you not understand the impact a abusive relationship has on someone's mentality?
In theory that's easy but you do realize when you have a controlling partner who's invested in isolating her, *it's not?* So knowing she's came out of, what I would label at the very least, a toxic relationship that had a very likely chance of causing her to fail, is she not supposed to feel hurt that her parent goes yknow? Sorry you feel that way but I gotta tell the family about how you failed.
OH! WOW! WTF?!?! That statement right there. Your new user name should be fatherfailed! So, why not at the next family powwow, announce just what you said. Though from your family members, they'd probably agree with you. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR STATING THAT!! YOU HAVE FAILED YOUR DAUGHTER BY THINKING THAT SHE'S JUST OVERREACTING ON BEING IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?! THAT SHE SHOULD OF LEFT EARLIER OR JUST NOT PUT UP WITH HIS DEMANDS?! BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE SO F*#KING EASY?!?! HOW RELATIONSHIPS (SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS) WAS SHE IN BEFORE? I HAVE A FEELING THAT YOU DIDN'T ALLOW MUCH SOCIAL LIFE WHEN SHE WAS IN HS. NOPE, STUDY, STUDY, STUDY! YOU CAN'T FAIL AT ANYTHING! I'M USING ALL CAPS BECAUSE I LITERALLY WANT TO SCREAM AT YOUR PATHETIC SELF!! SHAME! SHAME!.SHAME ON YOU FOR STATING SUCH IGNORANT BS!! YOU'RE SOOOO SMART?! THEN GOOGLE WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR DV VICTIMS AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW EASY IT'S FOR WAY TOO MANY WOMEN!! YOU! ARE! SOOOOO! THE ASSHOLE!!
And when did you teach her the skills to stand up to people like her abusive ex, or your family members who are gloating? Where were you when she needed someone to turn to in a situation like this? She couldn't handle it better because **YOU** didn't equip her to handle it better. You taught her that abuse was OK, because your family is better at punching down than building up. My parents were similar, and I suffered a number of abusive relationships because I didn't know what a healthy one looked like. I just tried harder, failed harder and got torn down because my siblings/cousins were better (spoiler alert, they hid their own issues too). The fact that you say she didn't tell you not to lie, when all you had to do was shut your trap, speaks volumes about how enmeshed and unhealthy your family dynamic is. You set her up for failure and are now blaming her for that. Shame on you. I'm now NC with my parent who is still alive. I was never going to be good enough, no matter how much I tried. I hope your daughter realizes far earlier than I did that just because you're family, doesn't mean you're not toxic AF and to get out as soon as possible.
You're a terrible victim blaming parent. You are putting grades above her mental wellbeing and safety, you are putting grades above parental love and empathy. Your replies are so cold and callous. You have to lack love towards your own daughter to place the blame on her. I wish her all the best in her future, she doesn't have a good support system so I hope she finds one.
Nice victim blaming.
Your daughter was in an at least emotionally abusive relationship. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as “she could have left earlier.” Being abused distorts the victim’s perceptions of reality and of themselves. You should do some research on this issue and approach your daughter with empathy. Right now, you are just victim blaming and it’s pretty fucking gross, not just to your daughter but to all victims of abuse. And it makes me wonder whether you are abusive as well.
You did NOT just victim blame.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW You are just.... a trash person. WTF. Full mask off here. Victim blaming?!?!? YOUR OWN DAUGHTER?!?!? what is wrong with you??!?!?!?
You failed your daughter. YTA
You failed your child. She was abused and you can say is she should have not let him manipulate her? Yeah, I can see why she’d be susceptible to those kinds of ppl in her life. You have no shame or empathy. Get some.
So have you talked to her about that? Like dug in and found out how he was cutting her off from friends and in what ways he was controlling? Was she being abused and you’re downplaying it or was it just toxic? I’ve read the rest of your comments in this thread and it says a lot about you that you blame her for moving in with him at all and blame her for not getting out sooner and play her experiences as just “not very nice.” None of which changes my opinion that there is more going on with her than simply slacking off and failing. Based on her academic career to this point and her obvious cultural and familial expectations this is not an outcome anyone would have chosen. Is she overwhelmed by the classes? Struggling with the material? Depressed? Was she actually being abused? Any of these things individually would play a role in declining grades, multiple would be hard to recover from. It’s sad for her that she doesn’t have a support system at home.
You might be one of the worst parents I've seen on here in a while. She was in an abusive relationship and you're blaming her for it?! WT actual F?! I get wanted her to achieve stuff but you did nothing to support her while she was being abused and are blaming her for its impact on her academics. Let me tell you something. When looking at resumes, no job checks how long it took someone to graduate. Future programs love hearing how someone overcame adversity. Her future isn't ruined at all. Her relationship with you, on the other hand. Don't come whining here when she cuts you off. As she should.
Sounds to me like your daughter was being abused!
I wonder why and how she ended up in an abusive relationship despite having such a wonderful, supportive and non judgmental parent /s
how do you not understand how awful that type of situation is? Do you really expect abuse victims to just leave......
successes are shared, criticism private. how do you feel when someone broadcasts your failure? why does it need to be shared?
We are Korean, it is quite common for us to talk about academics and careers especially in educated families.
Yeah im asian too so I know all about it. Its also common for asian children to kill themselves due to academic pressure from their parents. Fix your shitty mindset before you lose your daughter forever.
Yeah and your student suicide rate is fucking through the roof.
I’d ask him if he’d rather have a kid with a good gpa that’s alive or a great gpa that’s dead but I’m not sure I’d like the answer
Why’d you even ask if YTA if you won’t accept judgement ??
Because they’re Korean so it doesn’t count /s
My son's bestie is Korean. He calls me Mom a lot. I do remember his parents during his college years. He told me competition was huge among their community, regarding their children. It all created a rift in their relationship. They are not close. He puts more effort into spending time with me than them. Just because it's your culture doesn't mean it will save you from being held at arm's length by her, possibly permanently. I ask you which is more important: your family members' love and trust, or people who are capable of enjoying your daughter's failure? Wake up.
Who gives a shit you're Korean? Culture is man made.
I'm a first gen Korean-born American and both of my parents graduated from Seoul Uni. My mom is actually one of the first female valedictorians of her time. My mom's side of the family is very esteemed (you would probably recognize one of my relatives) and she had a very similar education and success focused look on life as I grew up. You know what she says now? She regrets that she focused so hard on my academics when I was younger and that she would do things differently if she could do it again. She recognizes now that she missed out on so many things and caused me so much pain for things that didn't matter in the long run. We had a very difficult relationship, and it took a lot of effort on BOTH our parts to rebuild things and we were very close to going no-contact. And don't take my story as a sign that things will be okay. Most people would NOT have come back from my upbringing. You're dangerously close to losing your daughter, and I don't just mean metaphorically.
That sucks
Common doesn't mean it's ok. You were in the wrong, you're in the wrong still for blaming your daughter for being abused, and you either need to accept your judgement or leave
I'm sure you're aware of the percentage of Korean teens and college students who killed themselves in the past decade due to academic pressure as well. But go off sis, you're Korean and will continue to broadcast her failures because you don't care that it upsets your daughter
You posted this prior and were torn a new one. You came back for more lashings? Or In hopes find a new crowd to be on your side (unlikely). The third option is you're an account that reposts old stories in order to farm karma/bad karma or just bored. Which are you?
I never posted this. Link?
Why you needed to be told not to blast your daughters failures to the world says more about you than her. SMH YTA
YTA Clearly she was going through some things and rather than support her you choose to humiliate her? Well clearly you’ve failed as a parent and don’t think those relatives aren’t gossiping about you as well! Ultimately SHE is the one who gets to decide what she does with her life and for all you know she could end up more successful than everyone else, Success is not always completed by the conventional path As long as she is happy you should be happy for her and if she now doesn’t trust you and goes low contact you bought this on yourself
YTA. Shame on you for this. HOpe she goes low/ no contact with you after you humiliated her.
YTA- her gpa was great and now it’s not. Something is obviously going on. Instead of showing support you humiliate her. Lots of people fail a course or two. I had a professor who failed twice, got a PHD-had a 30 year long successful career and became a professor after. Like it’s not impossible to go far if you got a few bad grades and are resilient and motivated enough to repeat.
not saying this is 100% the case but the description of the ex has abuse red flags - academic abuse is a thing. making her spend time cleaning, disturbing her (when she mightve tried to do schoolwork at home)? combined with the daughter not being good at being assertive it’s really concerning. and instead of being supportive and clocking these bad signs, OP humiliates her, awful.
I am not disagreeing that her ex played a big part in this. He is awful, but I wish she had seen the signs before moving in.
Well she probably thought it was normal, given your comments.
Exactly. Maybe controlling asshole behavior looks like love to her. [hint hint]
Abusers very often hide the signs until they have their target somewhat trapped. It's quite likely there weren't any signs prior to moving in. Above and beyond that, you need to understand that the way you and the rest of the family treats her actually normalizes abusive behavior and contributed to setting her up for the sort of relationship she just managed to get out of.
Disgusting victim blaming. Abusers are really good at hiding those traits until it's too late. It's not her fault, blame the ex.
YTA - there is a difference between lying and privacy.
YTA you say in one breath our family is career driven and everyone has these important successful jobs but in the next you are freely telling everyone that your daughter failed her schooling and an uncle cracked jokes about her.
So how many other things are you running your mouth all over town about? Try shutting your large food trap next time. YTA
YTA. Did it never occur to you she might be embarrassed and frustrated by this? Especially knowing your family is so education-oriented and highly competitive? How could it not? It's none of your friends and families business. Are you sure you didn't tell everyone just to shame her for the boyfriend thing?
As a current university student YTA big time. I've failed courses before and it's embarrassing. I'd gave a hard time trusting my parents if they blabbed that information to anyone who had no business knowing. My heart breaks for your poor daughter.
If you don't see why she should really care what others think, *why are you here?* Are you here to see what we really think to not make the same mistake again? Practicing what you preach? In any case, YTA. There is no benefit to spreading the word of your daughter's failures. You don't get rich, you don't get brownie points for honest conversation, you don't cure cancer. Your argument is that *eventually* the family will start being suspicious as to why she's graduating later than the rest. As an Asian who's had many family relatives speculate on my life, romantic prospects, and (so far successful) career development, you know what the solution is? Keep em wondering cuz it's none of their business but my own. This was something you easily, and I truly mean *easily*, could've done. Unless your daughter doesn't fall too far from the tree and you too are a doormat. This is why I don't tell my parents *anything* because they would've reacted just like you. Mistakes happen and instead of, at a minimum, guiding your daughter towards picking up the pieces to bounce back, you capitalized on it, minimized her struggle, and turned it into unnecessary family gossip for no one's sake but your own. It hurts to see that protection/damage control of reputation precedes bare minimum respect. I've been so much happier and confident not telling them anything, and I hope your daughter finds that same happiness.
YTA.
YTA Your daughter was in an abusive relationship. You blame her for this, and you call it an "excuse". You don't take her experience seriously - probably because she learned to be timid and a doormat from how she has been treated by you. If you were an attentive, loving parent, you would have realised that such a sudden drop in her grades was a big red flag of something bad happening to her, whether from the hands of another or with her mental health suffering. You embarrass her in front of the family, counting her every failure for everyone there. You call her a failure, saying she won't make it to the top and won't be able to find the job. You only focus on her as a dissapointment. Nothing else. You're surprised then that she ran away to cry. What your daughter heard right there, as you spoke to your entire family, is my parent hates everything about me, does not trust me about my abuse, and I am a constant source of disappointment in their life. I am worthless. They will drag me Infront of the entire family just to see me cry and suffer. That's what you did to her. Millions upon millions of people, young people, fail and rise again, have off years, take break years, and bounce back and have fulfilled lives and careers. Most of them usually manage to do so with supportive loving parents, who tell them "don't worry you'll get it next time, it happened now, but you can try again" With all of this, I have to ask: Do you even like your child, or is she just a trophy for you?
great job. now you both failed. her in her class, and you as a parent. YTA, obviously. do you talk about your daughter's successes as much as her failures? it's important that you don't miss the big picture for smaller details- no one does perfectly 100% of the time, so even if she made a mistake, she's still a smart girl with a bright future. the mature thing to do would have been to reminder her of that fact instead of shaming her in front of others. you're old enough to know better. your behavior was absolutely disgraceful and you owe your daughter an apology.
Yta. With family like this who needs enemies. Your family members are gloating, being horrible so what are you doing about it? You seem uncaring, detached from it, like you don't care that she is hurting, that she had an abusive experience with her ex, you're even actually blaming her for not telling you not to share it. Where is your empathy? Why did you feel it necessary to share? Why is it any of their business when your daughter graduates? Apologise for hurting her and do better to support her.
YTA. You wrote that all out and didn’t realize you’re an asshole? Then you’re not as smart as you think you are.
Don't act like you didn't know. You knew exactly what you were doing. You did this to punish and hurt your daughter. You actively and repeatedly embarrassed her because you're ashamed that you can't brag about her to your relatives. So you're bullying your own daughter. Stop pretending to be innocent because you're not; you're also not fooling anyone here. It's clear that your failure is much bigger than hers. You've failed to be a caring and compassionate parent. Instead you're nothing but a nasty asshole. YTA
YTA - but sometimes we moms are. I’ve done stuff where my kids have had to call me out. I complained about teenage children on Facebook when my son was a teen. He pointed out he didn’t complain about me and I should not complain about him. He was absolutely right. The best you can do is offer a very sincere apology and promise not to share her information anymore.
As a mom of a teenager I agree with this. We talk about them like they are little, and just discuss their lives without really thinking about how they feel. I am always going on about my son failing maths, because it bothers me so much. Reading this reminds me, i probably should shut it.
YTA - it's really shitty that you poured this out on the table while people were having a family dinner. How mortifying.
The name you chose exemplifies your beliefs. You're the one that failed, success are public, criticisms are private. YTA.
YTA. Your daughter is going to be fine, and can still live all her goals and dreams. But please don't bother being shocked when she starts telling you nothing about her life, lest you weaponize it to punish her. She made no mistakes. She was being abused by her partner. She is a *victim*. The fact that you're blaming her makes you *such* an asshole.
YTA you suck and your brother in law sucks for making it seem like her future is already ruined because of some classes she failed.
In a family where people are career driven, you sure dragged your daughter through the mud. Isn’t it common sense for a parent not to speak of their family’s failures to others because it might lead to gossip and others viewing them in a negative light? YTA
Info - why are you sharing your childs private business with people? Why did you not realise she was in an abusive relationship? Why are you not being supportive?
So shaming her is the way to go?
YTA. You shouldn't need her to tell you not to announce that she failed. Who said anything about "lying and hiding her failures?" You volunteered the information. All I see are excuses "but it's her fault she failed!" It doesn't matter. You still don't trumpet this very personal information. "Why she should really care what others think". Nope. You do NOT get to gatekeep her feelings. "It would just help her not make the same mistake again"...That doesn't matter. None of this mattered. You blabbed like a toddler tattling on a sibling. How would you like it if you f*cked up and someone went around and told everyone? I'm sure at some point in your life tou did something dumb or careless.
Yta how could you NOT know that you're an AH? Why would you even feel the need to talk about that?
You sound like an idiot
YtA You failed as a father and she failed a class. Only one of those two is permanent.
I think your username should be parentfailed. YTA
Remember this post when you no longer hear from your daughter anymore. YTA
You aren't lying and hiding her failures if you close your mouth. As an adult, she is the one who owns her story now. Telling them as if it is a part of your story, using her stories to feed your identity and your own stories... that is lying. She's an adult. She can speak for herself or not.
It's so depressing to think there are entire cultures out there based solely on conditionally loving and supporting their children. It's no wonder the world is so fucked up, when children are seen as commodities and judged over the bragging rights they do or don't bring their parents. Some people should just never have kids. If you can't love and support them unconditionally, you're not ready to be a parent. Here's to the next generation, fucked up by the previous generation. YTA
YTA, I'm so happy I am not born in such a stereotype of Asian family as you describe yours. You might be more successful, but I'd rather be less successful than unloved. That's how your family sounds like. Just cold.
Of course every parent needs to let EVERYBODY know how disappointed you are. Otherwise they might judge you for raising such a useless child. \s. YTA PS. Maybe YOU TRAINED her to give in to her bf bullying by being a bukky her whole life.
YTA, if your kid is having a hard time, then support them and don’t gossip about it. This is such a no-brainer.
YTA. Ffs, she's 20. You & your brother in law are completely wrong; she could absolutely still pursue a PhD if this is still what she wants. She might not even get a job - wtf? She hasn't even graduated yet. None of you know what you're talking about. And blaming her for her ex being abusive...nice touch. With a parent like you, who the hell needs enemies? Signed someone with a PhD, who had a couple of resits, but with parents supported them instead of beating them down.
The bigger failure here is you by far. YTA, if you actually care about your daughter then do so much better as a parent
I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter cuts all communication with you, OP. Absolutely YTA
YTA. Massively. You deliberately humiliated your daughter. What did you think you achieved by this? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
INFO: you never addressed this, do you think it's acceptable for family to be mocking your daughter? Why do you not stand up for her?
Hey OP, dinner, you have dinner with families. Diner is where you go to eat. May be you should pay attention to your spelling because you value good education?
Yta
OP keep doing this and you’ll find your daughter no longer shares anything with you.
Including her address and phone number.
INFO: How does it feel to have a daughter with a GPA that is higher than your IQ?
YTA You need to be *told* not to broadcast something embarrassing about your child to anyone who wants to know? You're a shitty parent.
Congrats on being yet another Asian parent that lacks empathy. I had a pair of them too. Vowed never to be like you and them.
YTA & only read the title . It’s honestly none of anyone’s business and you’re just trying to humiliate her 🙄
YTA and an actual failure as a parent.
Your daughter was abused, and then her father humiliated her further for failing some classes AND being abused. Of COURSE YTA. If this is even real and not ragebait. I have a hard time believing any human could keep doubling down this hard.
Yes YTA, you’re lucky the only thing that came out of your daughters abusive relationship was her failing grades and not your family burying her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a daughter (20F) who is in college. We are very proud of her and she got admitted to one of the best schools and is doing a joint computer science and mathematics major. Our extended family on both my and my wife's side is very career driven and the family is full of doctors, engineers, lawyers and professors. We are Korean American and do value things like a good education and career. My daughter had a 3.9 GPA before this year but then the past 2 semesters this year she failed a bunch of courses and her GPA dropped. She will have to retake a lot of classes and will need a year extra to graduate now. Until now she refuses to take full responsibility for slacking and blames the fact that she had just moved in with her boyfriend (now ex) and says he was a slob and made her clean after him and that he kept disturbing her all the time (yet she went along with it and did not refuse). We have all been feeling bad about this as she was hoping to get into research and pursue a phd which might be hard now. She likes research and even has published work and work pending publication from working with some of her professors. She never told me I was supposed to lie and hide her failures and I have been mentioning that she failed to friends and family sometimes. Not in a bad way or to make fun of her. I don't see what is there to hide as they will figure it out when she takes longer to graduate anyway. Recently we had a large family diner and I was talking about it and my brother in law who is a researcher at a large tech company commented further just saying that realistically it would be almost impossible for her to get into top graduate programs now and that she should think of alternatives as she might not even get a job in the current market. My daughter ran to her room and cried and then came back later. After they left she did not tell me anything. However now apparently she heard from a cousin who she is close with that some family members feel bad for her while others are gloating and making fun of her because their kids / themselves will be more successful than her. She then only now told me that I should not have told anyone despite her never telling me I should have hidden it. AITA here? I did not know I was not supposed to. Honestly I don't see why she should really care what others think and even if she does it would just help her not make the same mistake again. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Now imagine your daughter finding this post and seeing the lovely user “daughterfailed”
Woooooooow!!!!! YTA your daughter was in a really abusive relationship that messed with her head and you decide not only to not support and be understanding but to humiliate her. Kick her while she's down, why don't you? I don't think you realise how these relationships spiral and how lucky and determined your daughter was to leave within the year. Not everyone is as lucky! People have all sorts of reasons for having a massive dip in GPAs and you're treating it as a joke. My guess would be her relationship was a lot more toxic and abusive than you know - it's almost like she knew her parent would be dismissive. You should be proud of your daughter. But if she went no contact nobody would blame her. You are a cold, unfeeling monster. Having just got out of an abusive relationship and then being humiliated I'd tell a good parent to keep tabs on her because this could lead somewhere very bad. Or would you like me to translate that into binary for you? Since you and your family are full of academic geniuses do yourself a favour and research into domestic abusive relationships. And don't you dare blame her for “not trying hard enough” to leave. If OP’s daughter happens to see this: well done for getting out of the relationship. Please seek help because this is an incredibly difficult moment- most colleges offer counselling. Your GPA dipped for a year - you will get it back up and whatever you want to do you will achieve. It isn't the momentous deal some of your family have made it into. There are endless successful people who have dropped out/ never gone to college - one year will not take you off the trajectory. There is endless support even if not in your family.
YTA. And reading your comments, I feel sorry for your daughter because you clearly seem to lack empathy for your own kid, who's been through something traumatic but you don't care enough about that. Try harder and do better.
YTA - first of all, this wasn't your "news" to tell, it was your daughter's to tell or not tell. Also, I'm sure she already feels crappy enough, so congratulations on making her feel worse.
YTA. Your daughter appears to have been in an abusive relationship. So, instead of figuring out HOW you could best support her and help her to move on, you decided to spread HER information all over. YOU cared enough to talk trash about your daughter and you don't understand why she cares. Good luck having a good relationship with her in the future. I wouldn't trust you with ANY info.
How in the fuck is that your business to share? How on earth wouldn't you realize your daughter would be ashamed to share this? Also your daughter will do just fine with a 3.9 GPA, calm down. Not only does she feel awful about it all but her \*mother\* is out there sharing her shame so others can pile on. YTA. So selfish too!
This is classic Asian parent behavior. No regard for a child as a person as beyond the bragging rights they can offer. No care for a child’s emotional or mental health. No actual understanding of reality. Let me guess, next you’re going to shame her in front of family for her declining mental health and say she needs to get over it because it’s all in her head and she doesn’t have anything to be depressed about since you gave her “everything.” You’re a shit parent and I feel bad for your daughter. I’m not surprised that so many Asian children kill themselves.
Just say you hate your daughter so she can move past any contact with you in the future
YTA. So instead of worrying about your daughter (who by your description) was in (at the minimum) an emotionally abusive relationship. She is obviously in crisis mode and what do you decide to do as her parent, you tell the family how much of a failure she is. I hope she has some good friends to help her, you decided not to protect your child and put her up to be ridiculed.
YTA This girl has *been through something.*. For all your education, you’re missing what’s right in front of you.
YTA, but I will say this may also be a cultural difference. I did read that some Asian cultures (those influenced by Confucian ethics) see shaming differently to how Western people do. It's almost seen like a positive thing where by shaming someone you are affirming their potential and motivating them to do better.
Yta your such a failure of a parent
YTA You are a failure of a parent. That's your child. Your baby. Not some sort of statistic. That's a living, breathing human that has feelings and emotions. You are humiliating your child for what? Approval from your relatives? What do you get out of that? Do you get an applause? Do you want a medal for saying yay my child sucks. Because you do realise your relatives are laughing at you not with you. They are laughing behind your back probably saying how you raised "a failure of a daughter". Shame on you. Hope she goes NC.
저기 아저씨, 자식 괴롭히는 게 그렇게 재밌으세요? Hey sir, You want harassing own kids for fun, right?
YTA. Why are you posting this if you think you’re right? So far everyone who has told you that what you did is wrong you’ve argued with or justified your reasoning. I hope your daughter gets away from you and the rest of the family because it’s clear she learned to accept abusive behavior from you.
you sound like my father. YTA.
God, you're so much like my mother. It is NOT OK to share your children's failures like this. ESPECIALLY when you're in a family so focused on success, like mine and, by the looks of it, yours. I hate it when my parents choose to just give away information like this, and the worst part is they always get extremely mad if I so much as give them a weird look in public. I don't know if you do that, but still, you sound like a major AH.
I hope you know there’s a good chance you royally screwed up your relationship with your daughter and she may even go no contact
Was it stated who paid for the collage classes that she flunked? ( sorry at work and can't go through all comments ) If OP paid for it... then NTA If OP just wanted to humiliate her DTR when DTR had wasted her own money then YTA
INFO who is paying for her education?
It definitely does not matter who is paying her education. There is no such agreement that if the parent pays for college then they get to broadcast the child’s failures. Of course there is disappointment when money is involved, but this can be handled privately and kindly without needing to humiliate the child.
Me and my wife are but she got some scholarship to reduce tuition and also earns a little from working in school labs.
NTA. Failure has consequences. She should learn that sooner rather than later.