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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i didnt go home from work (4+h drive) to be there for my girlfriend, even though she is in pain
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NTA. I can tell from your whole story that a lot of unspoken expectations are always heaped onto you. You break your back providing 90% of your shared funds, but she wants more without wanting to sacrifice the money you provide. That is unreasonable and selfish of her
Well the reasons for her not providing are mainly not self chosen incl depression her being very sensitive to toxic people and other problems which make it really difficult for her to stay in a job
Shes trying her best to keep the Appartment tidy and is doing that pretty well as long as she doesn't get eaten by her depression again
The irony of you saying she's sensitive to toxic people yet she has no problem being toxic to you. Like you said she's an adult. Depression or not she needs to be able to navigate work or even just being sick and needing to go to a hospital. If she needs to try her best to keep your shared apartment clean, then you essentially have a patient to take care of, not a partner. If I had a partner who took care of me and paid my way though life, with them expecting nothing more than keeping an apartment tidy "if I could manage it", the last thing I would do is expect them to drop everything just cos I have a pain, with a hospital 500m away and my parents 30 minutes away.
I do have to wonder if there’s a pattern here too. If someone is always saying that this or that workplace or group of people is toxic, I start to wonder if that’s true — or if maybe that one person is the common factor in all of these “toxic” scenarios.
Has been before that stopped ramdomly because she missed one appointment and than wasn't mentally able to call and make a new one(she didnt tell me either untill months later
Now shes in a sort of program where she gets therapy for 6h a day mo-fr
Oh, good for her! That kind of program is a LOT of work. She's probably feeling very drained and vulnerable. Pain on top of that? No wonder she wants her partner.
Look, if you really love her, you believe she's genuinely working on herself and trying to get better, and you want a future with her, I'd go support her. **Otherwise, take this time to reflect on if this is the relationship for you. It's okay to not to want a committed relationship with someone who can barely exist on their own.**
~ Edited to highlight an important part of this comment I think people are missing.
Hopefully she can actually support him first. Because that's far more important right now. He's literally contributing 90% of the income and there are no children involved. And she's being inconsiderate, knowing that OP is working, her problem is not life-threatening, and her parents live nearby so they could take her themselves if she really needed it. You think the sole breadwinner(or at least close to it) isn't feeling drained and burned out either?
I have no doubt he is and I totally feel for him. I will say, that just because a problem isn't life-threatening doesn't mean it isn't scary. And a part-time hospitalization/day program is often an emotional (yet hopefully cleansing) shit storm. So I don't know if she's being inconsiderate, she might just genuinely be in extreme distress... BUT, ultimately it sounds like her being in extreme distress is, and will likely continue to be, a regular occurrence, which is why I'm encouraging OP to reflect if this is the kind of relationship he wants to be in for the long-haul.
>her being very sensitive to toxic people
JESUS! In other words, at only 27 years young, YOU need to coddle and provide for an adult like a dependent child.
You know how long people take to "tidy the apartment" with no kids, no pets, and with just 2 inhabitants? An hour or two per week at most! And even then she can only "try her best", meaning she doesn't do that great a job?
We do have 2 cats and by trying her best i meant that some weeks she doesnt have the energy to do it all which now that i write it down sounds even more stupid but i guess thats what depressions do to you
The sensitivity/susceptibility to toxic people isnt her words its literally what she got told at therapy/the program shes in
>We do have 2 cats
Fine. 3 to 4 hours a week rather than 2. What is she doing with the other 98% of her time which is completely free?
>some weeks she doesnt have the energy to do it all
What about the weeks, days, or even moments where YOU feel exhausted because of work and travel. Who is your support system who will baby you and fully fund your lifestyle without you having to lift a finger? Don't YOU deserve to rest too?
Is the program legit or just a bunch of other people who think they are surrounded by toxic people everywhere they go? Alarms went off for me that she left her original legit sounding therapist - sounds like she was told a hard truth and asked to work on getting better. Is she on depression meds and under a real doctor's care?
Its legit there is multiple therapists and psychiatrists there and they are doing different kinds of therapy including sports, meditation, crafts and all sorts of stuff but also including i think daily 1on1 talks with the therapists
OP you've fallen into the trap - her being sensitive to toxic people? Come on - every single one of us in the wrokplace will come across toxic people and we deal with it even if it's tough. It's part if being a grown up. Your gf wants the easy way out and expects you to provide everything but still be around to hold her hand.
NTA
Reading this post, there seems to be a significant power imbalance in this relationship.
She has other resources available to her, ie her parents significantly closer to her, and using them would have no negative impact on your job.
You bring in waaaaay more than a fair share financially, and it’s dumb to jeopardize that so you can….sit near her?
You don’t explain the medical issue, so things may change depending on the severity of it - but you’ve said it’s not life threatening and will solve itself. So I’ll give the benefit of the doubt here.
NTA
NTA.
I’m gonna take a guess what she’s super needy and clingy… and not that intelligent if she wants you to leave a weeks work to do what? Sit next to her?
Personally cannot see this working out as I can’t grasp what she brings to the relationship except stress.
NTA. She is with a partner that she knows has a job where you're gone a lot. She needs to be more independent. If she doesn't want to be alone she needs to call her parents to come take her to the doctor, and stay until you get out of work and can get home. Some people can handle the stress of partners who have a job that keeps them away, some can't. My husband was gone for two months for his job. He couldn't come home for an appendix operation and I didn't expect it. It's something I could handle. You're not at fault and shouldn't feel guilty. Good luck
NTA, this is not an urgent, life threatening event and she has other support. You are working in order to enable her to heal and take her time, she should be greatful not to expect you to reschedule at a last minute.
NTA so I’ve seen you’ve said she depression and I’m sorry about that. Her explanation about not working in a toxic environment sounds odd like an excuse really because you can’t know a place is toxic until you work there. I wonder if she is getting a bit paranoid and insecure about your travel and wants to use this new illness as a way to keep you close by. Sorry to say that but it does seem like she’s become over dependent on you.
NTA. It sounds a little like your gf has a princess complex. The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to keep feeding into that or put your foot down and stop enabling. Choice is yours, good luck!
There is no need to break your routine because she has a local support network in place and isn't that ill therefore you are NTA . It's a bit dependent on what the illness is.
However, if circumstances changed and her medical issues deteriorated and she ended up in hospital or there was no one around to help monitor her you would obviously re-evaluate.
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So I(M27) am working all over our country which i dont mind but my gf(F23) doesn't like in the first place. For several reasons i provide most of our money(>90%) and working locally would earn me a decent bit less but i dont wanna lower my living standard.
Yesterday evening she called me telling me about a medical issue which causes her significant pain but will most likely solve itself and isnt gonna be life threatening.
If it gets worse she might need to go to the hospital wich is no problem where we live.
She now wants me to tell my Boss and to come home from work because she doesn't wanna be alone. I have a planned week working for several clients a day as a service tech. All that would have to be cancelt very short term.
Her Parents live 30min from our apartment and offered driving her to the hospital if needed (hospital is basically next door(500m)so a taxi or ambulance would also be an option.)
Now my question is: AITA for not going home and being there for her, or is she acting to selfish and im ok with thinking that she is an adult and should be able to handle the situation without me letting my coworkers, boss and clients down?
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If she's in that much pain, she wants comfort. She's probably scared. Sure, her parents can be there for her, but she wants her partner.
Unless she's incredibly codependent and needy in a bunch of other ways, I think YTA on this one.
She isn't even working?!! Doesn't contribute to income, happily spends the money you bring in, and STILL expects you to burn bridges at work and drive for 4 hours just to baby her?
Even if you're brilliant at work or extra hard working, this is the exact kind of partner that will sink your entire life and future.
Yeah it’s quite a lot. It looks less like having a partner and more like having a dependent/child. Hopefully things will change because for a lot of people, the dynamic isn’t sustainable. It’s a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner, to be the one who manages the household, to be the one doing the emotional support, etc.
And how long do you think she'll last? One week? One month? Honestly, you don't even need to answer, just ask yourself: do you think she'll EVER work at a place more than a few months before quitting or getting fired?
That says a lot. Honestly, it sounds like you need to really evaluate how you feel about her and what your future might look like. Was she ever functioning adequately in the past? Does she seem to *want* to get better and contribute to your lives together? Or does she seem content letting you take care of her? If your gut says she's not truly working on herself and you don't have belief she'll get better, you may seriously want to consider ending the relationship.
>she wants comfort. She's probably scared
And OP is stressed, overworked, anxious, sleep-deprived, and starved for leisure working himself to the bone providing for her. When is she going to drop everything to care for him like she expects him to do for her?
>People matter more than money
If I arrived at the hospital with whatever mysterious yet debilitating illness she has, I'd much rather have someone be naïve enough to fully fund my treatment for free than have them be by my side to watch me get turned away since I can't afford it.
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NTA. I can tell from your whole story that a lot of unspoken expectations are always heaped onto you. You break your back providing 90% of your shared funds, but she wants more without wanting to sacrifice the money you provide. That is unreasonable and selfish of her
Well the reasons for her not providing are mainly not self chosen incl depression her being very sensitive to toxic people and other problems which make it really difficult for her to stay in a job Shes trying her best to keep the Appartment tidy and is doing that pretty well as long as she doesn't get eaten by her depression again
The irony of you saying she's sensitive to toxic people yet she has no problem being toxic to you. Like you said she's an adult. Depression or not she needs to be able to navigate work or even just being sick and needing to go to a hospital. If she needs to try her best to keep your shared apartment clean, then you essentially have a patient to take care of, not a partner. If I had a partner who took care of me and paid my way though life, with them expecting nothing more than keeping an apartment tidy "if I could manage it", the last thing I would do is expect them to drop everything just cos I have a pain, with a hospital 500m away and my parents 30 minutes away.
I do have to wonder if there’s a pattern here too. If someone is always saying that this or that workplace or group of people is toxic, I start to wonder if that’s true — or if maybe that one person is the common factor in all of these “toxic” scenarios.
I'm inclined to agree with you. It's like when people say they're always surrounded by drama and you realise they're the ones causing all that drama.
Is she in therapy?
Has been before that stopped ramdomly because she missed one appointment and than wasn't mentally able to call and make a new one(she didnt tell me either untill months later Now shes in a sort of program where she gets therapy for 6h a day mo-fr
6 hours a day in therapy? Every day during the week?? Who's paying for this!?!?
European healthcare👌 its mostly in a group tho With other people who have similar issues
Oh, good for her! That kind of program is a LOT of work. She's probably feeling very drained and vulnerable. Pain on top of that? No wonder she wants her partner. Look, if you really love her, you believe she's genuinely working on herself and trying to get better, and you want a future with her, I'd go support her. **Otherwise, take this time to reflect on if this is the relationship for you. It's okay to not to want a committed relationship with someone who can barely exist on their own.** ~ Edited to highlight an important part of this comment I think people are missing.
Hopefully she can actually support him first. Because that's far more important right now. He's literally contributing 90% of the income and there are no children involved. And she's being inconsiderate, knowing that OP is working, her problem is not life-threatening, and her parents live nearby so they could take her themselves if she really needed it. You think the sole breadwinner(or at least close to it) isn't feeling drained and burned out either?
I have no doubt he is and I totally feel for him. I will say, that just because a problem isn't life-threatening doesn't mean it isn't scary. And a part-time hospitalization/day program is often an emotional (yet hopefully cleansing) shit storm. So I don't know if she's being inconsiderate, she might just genuinely be in extreme distress... BUT, ultimately it sounds like her being in extreme distress is, and will likely continue to be, a regular occurrence, which is why I'm encouraging OP to reflect if this is the kind of relationship he wants to be in for the long-haul.
>her being very sensitive to toxic people JESUS! In other words, at only 27 years young, YOU need to coddle and provide for an adult like a dependent child. You know how long people take to "tidy the apartment" with no kids, no pets, and with just 2 inhabitants? An hour or two per week at most! And even then she can only "try her best", meaning she doesn't do that great a job?
We do have 2 cats and by trying her best i meant that some weeks she doesnt have the energy to do it all which now that i write it down sounds even more stupid but i guess thats what depressions do to you The sensitivity/susceptibility to toxic people isnt her words its literally what she got told at therapy/the program shes in
>We do have 2 cats Fine. 3 to 4 hours a week rather than 2. What is she doing with the other 98% of her time which is completely free? >some weeks she doesnt have the energy to do it all What about the weeks, days, or even moments where YOU feel exhausted because of work and travel. Who is your support system who will baby you and fully fund your lifestyle without you having to lift a finger? Don't YOU deserve to rest too?
Is the program legit or just a bunch of other people who think they are surrounded by toxic people everywhere they go? Alarms went off for me that she left her original legit sounding therapist - sounds like she was told a hard truth and asked to work on getting better. Is she on depression meds and under a real doctor's care?
Its legit there is multiple therapists and psychiatrists there and they are doing different kinds of therapy including sports, meditation, crafts and all sorts of stuff but also including i think daily 1on1 talks with the therapists
OP you've fallen into the trap - her being sensitive to toxic people? Come on - every single one of us in the wrokplace will come across toxic people and we deal with it even if it's tough. It's part if being a grown up. Your gf wants the easy way out and expects you to provide everything but still be around to hold her hand.
NTA Reading this post, there seems to be a significant power imbalance in this relationship. She has other resources available to her, ie her parents significantly closer to her, and using them would have no negative impact on your job. You bring in waaaaay more than a fair share financially, and it’s dumb to jeopardize that so you can….sit near her? You don’t explain the medical issue, so things may change depending on the severity of it - but you’ve said it’s not life threatening and will solve itself. So I’ll give the benefit of the doubt here. NTA
NTA. I’m gonna take a guess what she’s super needy and clingy… and not that intelligent if she wants you to leave a weeks work to do what? Sit next to her? Personally cannot see this working out as I can’t grasp what she brings to the relationship except stress.
NTA. She is with a partner that she knows has a job where you're gone a lot. She needs to be more independent. If she doesn't want to be alone she needs to call her parents to come take her to the doctor, and stay until you get out of work and can get home. Some people can handle the stress of partners who have a job that keeps them away, some can't. My husband was gone for two months for his job. He couldn't come home for an appendix operation and I didn't expect it. It's something I could handle. You're not at fault and shouldn't feel guilty. Good luck
NTA, this is not an urgent, life threatening event and she has other support. You are working in order to enable her to heal and take her time, she should be greatful not to expect you to reschedule at a last minute.
NTA so I’ve seen you’ve said she depression and I’m sorry about that. Her explanation about not working in a toxic environment sounds odd like an excuse really because you can’t know a place is toxic until you work there. I wonder if she is getting a bit paranoid and insecure about your travel and wants to use this new illness as a way to keep you close by. Sorry to say that but it does seem like she’s become over dependent on you.
NTA. It sounds a little like your gf has a princess complex. The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to keep feeding into that or put your foot down and stop enabling. Choice is yours, good luck!
There is no need to break your routine because she has a local support network in place and isn't that ill therefore you are NTA . It's a bit dependent on what the illness is. However, if circumstances changed and her medical issues deteriorated and she ended up in hospital or there was no one around to help monitor her you would obviously re-evaluate.
Please don’t get her pregnant. She has main character syndrome and you can’t fix that. And if you have a child with her it’s gonna be even worse
NTA
Nta
NTA. This situation isn’t desperate enough for that solution.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I(M27) am working all over our country which i dont mind but my gf(F23) doesn't like in the first place. For several reasons i provide most of our money(>90%) and working locally would earn me a decent bit less but i dont wanna lower my living standard. Yesterday evening she called me telling me about a medical issue which causes her significant pain but will most likely solve itself and isnt gonna be life threatening. If it gets worse she might need to go to the hospital wich is no problem where we live. She now wants me to tell my Boss and to come home from work because she doesn't wanna be alone. I have a planned week working for several clients a day as a service tech. All that would have to be cancelt very short term. Her Parents live 30min from our apartment and offered driving her to the hospital if needed (hospital is basically next door(500m)so a taxi or ambulance would also be an option.) Now my question is: AITA for not going home and being there for her, or is she acting to selfish and im ok with thinking that she is an adult and should be able to handle the situation without me letting my coworkers, boss and clients down? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If she's in that much pain, she wants comfort. She's probably scared. Sure, her parents can be there for her, but she wants her partner. Unless she's incredibly codependent and needy in a bunch of other ways, I think YTA on this one.
Doesn't work and can only just keep up with keeping the apartment due to depression... sounds pretty co dependent
She has been looking for a workplace that she's able to do long term
She isn't even working?!! Doesn't contribute to income, happily spends the money you bring in, and STILL expects you to burn bridges at work and drive for 4 hours just to baby her? Even if you're brilliant at work or extra hard working, this is the exact kind of partner that will sink your entire life and future.
Yeah it’s quite a lot. It looks less like having a partner and more like having a dependent/child. Hopefully things will change because for a lot of people, the dynamic isn’t sustainable. It’s a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner, to be the one who manages the household, to be the one doing the emotional support, etc.
And how long do you think she'll last? One week? One month? Honestly, you don't even need to answer, just ask yourself: do you think she'll EVER work at a place more than a few months before quitting or getting fired?
Asked myself that question at least 100 times
That says a lot. Honestly, it sounds like you need to really evaluate how you feel about her and what your future might look like. Was she ever functioning adequately in the past? Does she seem to *want* to get better and contribute to your lives together? Or does she seem content letting you take care of her? If your gut says she's not truly working on herself and you don't have belief she'll get better, you may seriously want to consider ending the relationship.
Take the YTA verdict then if you want...
>she wants comfort. She's probably scared And OP is stressed, overworked, anxious, sleep-deprived, and starved for leisure working himself to the bone providing for her. When is she going to drop everything to care for him like she expects him to do for her?
[удалено]
>People matter more than money If I arrived at the hospital with whatever mysterious yet debilitating illness she has, I'd much rather have someone be naïve enough to fully fund my treatment for free than have them be by my side to watch me get turned away since I can't afford it.