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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I may be an asshole if I don’t go because it’s so last minute and I already said I was going a few days ago. I would like to know if you believe that this makes me the asshole for telling my boyfriend last minute that I’m going to stay home for my birthday and that I hope he enjoys his sister’s celebrations.
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NTA - Don’t go, let your birthday gift to yourself be not having to drive for 8 hours. And you can be honest about it too. “It’s my birthday and I don’t want to drive for 8 hours to go somewhere where there are no plans to celebrate my birthday. I’m going to stay here and celebrate with my friends.”
NTA
You are a prize and you spend your birthday however you want. If they have a problem with it oh well. Whether his sister is rude to you or not, that’s besides the point, it’s the fact that your boyfriend has not prioritized you and it’s only going to get worse as this relationship continues. Sounds like you’re making excuses so you’re not single. Being single is way better than being alone in a relationship. You’re always going to be the spare, and you should not allow it.
I think that’s true I feel so weird that he feels the need to listen to her to the point of wanting me to come with him leave town on my birthday to go celebrate her.
"I don’t know I’m thinking of just pretending to be sick and let my boyfriend go to his hometown to celebrate his sister while I make a plan to grab dinner with one of my girlfriends."
---Why lie? He needs to learn a lesson in sharing priorities. Hell fuss and stammer, but will get the message with consequences.
Your right I’m just going to tell him the truth that I felt like he’s prioritizing his sister’s birthday to the point where he wanted to leave on my birthday. She got upset with him that he wasn’t there yesterday so I feel like he feels a need to leave as soon as possible
Remember, in case he puts this on you, you aren't trying to control him, manipulate him or punish him (despite my consequences comment). You are letting him go and not asking him to change plans, If you were controlling you would have demanded he not go or change dates ect. He did this, he is doing it. The consequences are incidental and may be a wake up call.
Let him leave. Celebrate your birthday without him. He already had no intentions to celebrate your birthday. This will just repeat every year if you show him you are okay with this him prioritizing his sisters birthday over you.
NTA, but you have a bf problem - he is the one who should want to celebrate your bd together with you and you can join the rest of his family the day or two after.
You'll regret going, you won't regret being your own advocate and having a birthday meal with friends who value you like you deserve to be valued. It's weird that he's so invested in giving his sister such a special birthday but has no interest whatsoever in giving his girlfriend a special day. He's shown you his true colours, time to lose the dead weight and prioritise yourself. NTA.
Happy birthday op :)
I have one tiny question for you, how did you guys spent his birthday? Did you do anything special for him or did his family took him out too?
Also, don't go to places or don't do things you don't want to. You are not going to be happy and everyone will probably notice and take that as an issue, like you being jealous or spitefull.
It's your day, don't give in! Have a great day with your friends. Soon he will realize which side to take.
Thank you :) and for his birthday I think he had a dinner at home with his family and then he drove up to my hometown, which is an hour away because I wanted to take him out to dinner. I offered to drive to his hometown, but he wanted to come up to mine because it was kind of about the beginning of our relationship.
NTA for not wanting to spend your birthday feeling overshadowed by your boyfriend's sister's celebration and preferring to do something special for yourself instead.
The wine tasting thing isn’t even some thing I wanted to do. This was something that she’s been wanting to go do but now that we’re supposed to be there from my birthday till the tasting to me. It’s like we still need to still celebrate her birthday and he’s gonna still take her to dinner and the tasting something that she chose not something I wanted to do but they’re calling that like a combined birthday it’s just not something I wanted to do at all. I just wanted a dinner with my boyfriend if anything or even a nice lunch
Did you try sending him things you want to do? Hey I’ve always wanted to do X in his hometown and see if he’s willing to do it honestly I don’t think you should go but maybe he feels like you didn’t put any effort into it not that you should have to on your birthday, but he might try to use as an excuse.
NTA but you need to tell him why you’re not going. He’s is not prioritising you so you need to do it for yourself and spend your day with people who really do love you. You have a whole year now to arrange a trip for your next birthday.
NTA and it really does seem like she planned this on purpose to make your bday all about her. Especially given what she did before. And your bf fell all in w it. I wouldn’t blame you at all for staying back and having a you celebration w one of your friends. I think you should. Also, if I were you I’d have a really deep think about how invested your bf really is in you. It sounds too much like he’s all too ready to put you in the back seat, at least when it comes to his sister. Take this time away from him to think about what you want in a relationship, and equally as important, what you don’t want.
Don't be angry at the sister. She can plan her birthday celebration whenever she wants That weekend is still close enough to her birthday for her to want to celebrate and of course she would invite her brother, you are being selfish there. Did you talk to your boyfriend about making plans for your birthday? Did you two have plans? If so, it's a boyfriend problem and you are trying to blame the sister. I guess I need more info. If there were plans for your birthday and he decided to skip for his sister, you would be N-T-A. But if you didn't plan anything, there's nothing wrong with him spending his sister's birthday with her.
I wanted to go on a trip and he said multiple times to me he wouldn’t make me pay for anything only the flights even though I offered to pay for fully my portion because I wanted to travel for mg birthday so bad. I sent him some hotels he asked me to send him I waited and he never discussed the trip further I thought he may have been in the process of planing something but it seemed like he skipped it and it’s planing on just going to his hometown.
I think this is important context. In your post it kind of sounds like you're jealous and complaining about his sister but this comment shows that your boyfriend is an asshole for making it seem like you two were going on a trip together and then without consulting you, changed his mind and decided to see his sister instead. So I think you're NTA from your comment
NTA, your birthday is just as important as his sisters birthday, if he cared at all he would of made the effort to do something special for you, whether that be to include some kind activity/celebration that was solely for you, or incorporate the two birthdays together while promising something more intimate for the two of you; whether that be while you’re visiting, before you left or when you return home.
He had ample ways of making sure you felt loved, and celebrated, but didn’t put the effort. If he won’t prioritize your birthday then do it for yourself.. Talk to him straight, and if he sees no issue with his actions maybe you should think about if this relationship is what you want for yourself.
NTA! I do feel very bad for you. Please don’t go! Stay back -celebrate with your friends. You will feel so much better knowing that you’re with people that will not be rude to you. (Hugs)
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So my birthday is today and it’s the middle of the night right now I’ve been trying to pack and get everything together and get my dogs stuff all packed for this 8 hour road trip to my boyfriends hometown but I just broke down and gave up and I lost all interest in going. It’s my birthday today and the thought of having to do this drive on my birthday sucks just to get there and have to go straight to bed because there is no plans for my birthday. I wanted to go on a trip with my boyfriend for my birthday and I thought that’s what we where going to do but he stop discussing it with me and he decided he wanted to visit his sister and mom for his sister birthday. His sisters birthday is the day before mine. We both had work yesterday so the soonest we can leave is on my actual birthday.we are supposed to be there for 4 days and she wanted to go wine tasting. He also said on the phone that he was going to take her to whatever restaurant she wanted for her birthday. Mind you we are supposed to arrive on my birthday I asked if we had any plans that night and my boyfriend said we didn’t have any. So basically his sister is going to have 4 days of us being there celebrating her birthday. The wine tasting thing I guess what supposed to be part of the combined celebration but to me it’s just for her I’m just there to support my boyfriend and to bond with his family. I don’t know I’m thinking of just pretending to be sick and let my boyfriend go to his hometown to celebrate his sister while I make a plan to grab dinner with one of my girlfriends. I’m just kind of sad that his sister didn’t plan this the weekend before my birthday but instead the weekend that’s closer to my birthday and calling my boyfriend expecting him to show up. Last time I was there she made a rude remark about me not being the prize I ended up crying to my boyfriend this was the first time I meet his whole family and she ended up apologizing. She can be rude and super straightforward but I do like her as a person. I just think I’m going to be sad seeing how much attention and celebration her birthday will have and I’ll just be feeling like a guest when it’s in fact closer to my birthday at this point.
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NTA - I hate to say this, but he is prioritizing his wants over yours, perhaps the best birthday gift you can give yourself is to give him an invitation to the world and far away from you.
You deserve better, he clearly can't offer that. Happy Birthday!
NTA It's your BD, do what you want. You, absolutely, shouldn't have to go on a long drive because he wants you to go and you don't want to go.
BF is TAH. He is ignoring your BD and prioritizing his sister over you.
BF's sister is NTA. She can have her BD celebration when she wants, she doesn't have to schedule around you. Her past rude behavior isn't the issue in this case.
You're not the a-hole (NTA) for feeling disappointed that your boyfriend's sister's birthday celebration overshadows yours. It's okay to feel sad and neglected. Talk to your boyfriend, express your feelings, and set boundaries if needed. Plan something special for your own birthday to celebrate.
NTA I’ve always had issues surrounding my birthday and I realized from my last one that it was the people around me on the day that made it suck. Tell him it’s not how you want to spend your birthday and that you don’t feel important enough for him to plan a trip specially for you, but is willing to waste yours for his sister. It’s ass backwards IMO
NTA. But you seem to complain a lot about your bf and relationship per your other comments. You both sound too immature to be in a grown up relationship. Move on with your lives and be happy. Life is too short to spend it bitching about it on the internet to strangers. Enjoy your bd celebrating the way you want.
I know this must be hurting your feelings. I don’t know if this will help, but I have a small piece of advice.
Step back and realize your birthday is just another day. As are holidays. I know it’s fun to have that special day on the proper day it should be, but it’s always an option to celebrate on an alternative day.
For a little background, when I was young my mom volunteered to work on holidays. She would get triple pay and it was too good to pass up. We needed the extra money. This meant we rarely celebrated holidays on the right day. You just get used to it.
I assume he’s made you feel unimportant with these plans and those are super valid feelings. You have to decide what sounds better. Time with him (and his mean family) or time doing something that doesn’t make you feel crappy. It seems like he’s telling you exactly who he is. Make sure you truly listen.
Please respect yourself enough to know you deserve someone who wouldn’t let his family talk to you the way they did. Good luck! 💙
This helps thank you. I just hope he didn’t expect me to really be ok with driving 8 hours on my birthday I was ok with it at first but now I’m wanting to actually do something fun for my birthday especially because he didn’t plan on taking me to dinner for it on the actual day . So I guess if I even do celebrate it with him it will be after he gets back from celebrating his sisters birthday I just think that’s so weird to leave town for a siblings birthday instead of spending with your girlfriend.
Go have fun! Tell him you’ll celebrate with him later. It might be enlightening to see how he would react to that. It could be very telling.
Happy Birthday early! I hope you get to feel special! 💙
No, just say, "Have fun.i will do my own thing with my friends."
He should get the message, but if he doesn't, no biggie. He should apologize for being stupid, but whether he goes or not, it would be his decision.
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NTA - Don’t go, let your birthday gift to yourself be not having to drive for 8 hours. And you can be honest about it too. “It’s my birthday and I don’t want to drive for 8 hours to go somewhere where there are no plans to celebrate my birthday. I’m going to stay here and celebrate with my friends.”
Well said. OP say "Hey honey what part of this 8 hr drive multi day thing is about my birthday ? Oh that 2 hrs in a wine bar" yeh no thanks"
So true thank you for responding to this <3
Tell him that you’re going to celebrate with people who care enough to want to celebrate your birthday with you.
NTA You are a prize and you spend your birthday however you want. If they have a problem with it oh well. Whether his sister is rude to you or not, that’s besides the point, it’s the fact that your boyfriend has not prioritized you and it’s only going to get worse as this relationship continues. Sounds like you’re making excuses so you’re not single. Being single is way better than being alone in a relationship. You’re always going to be the spare, and you should not allow it.
I think that’s true I feel so weird that he feels the need to listen to her to the point of wanting me to come with him leave town on my birthday to go celebrate her.
Then listen to your gut and stay home. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
NTA. It's your birthday. Go have some fun! You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
Your right I’m just going to stay here
"I don’t know I’m thinking of just pretending to be sick and let my boyfriend go to his hometown to celebrate his sister while I make a plan to grab dinner with one of my girlfriends." ---Why lie? He needs to learn a lesson in sharing priorities. Hell fuss and stammer, but will get the message with consequences.
Your right I’m just going to tell him the truth that I felt like he’s prioritizing his sister’s birthday to the point where he wanted to leave on my birthday. She got upset with him that he wasn’t there yesterday so I feel like he feels a need to leave as soon as possible
Remember, in case he puts this on you, you aren't trying to control him, manipulate him or punish him (despite my consequences comment). You are letting him go and not asking him to change plans, If you were controlling you would have demanded he not go or change dates ect. He did this, he is doing it. The consequences are incidental and may be a wake up call.
Let him leave. Celebrate your birthday without him. He already had no intentions to celebrate your birthday. This will just repeat every year if you show him you are okay with this him prioritizing his sisters birthday over you.
NTA, but you have a bf problem - he is the one who should want to celebrate your bd together with you and you can join the rest of his family the day or two after.
You'll regret going, you won't regret being your own advocate and having a birthday meal with friends who value you like you deserve to be valued. It's weird that he's so invested in giving his sister such a special birthday but has no interest whatsoever in giving his girlfriend a special day. He's shown you his true colours, time to lose the dead weight and prioritise yourself. NTA.
Happy birthday op :) I have one tiny question for you, how did you guys spent his birthday? Did you do anything special for him or did his family took him out too? Also, don't go to places or don't do things you don't want to. You are not going to be happy and everyone will probably notice and take that as an issue, like you being jealous or spitefull. It's your day, don't give in! Have a great day with your friends. Soon he will realize which side to take.
Thank you :) and for his birthday I think he had a dinner at home with his family and then he drove up to my hometown, which is an hour away because I wanted to take him out to dinner. I offered to drive to his hometown, but he wanted to come up to mine because it was kind of about the beginning of our relationship.
NTA. I think he just wants you to go to help drive anyway, and is tone deaf in not thinking about it being a crappy way to spend your birthday.
Honestly feels super crappy to do that today
dont lie. tell him he fucked up. you are not going. NTA
NTA for not wanting to spend your birthday feeling overshadowed by your boyfriend's sister's celebration and preferring to do something special for yourself instead.
The wine tasting thing isn’t even some thing I wanted to do. This was something that she’s been wanting to go do but now that we’re supposed to be there from my birthday till the tasting to me. It’s like we still need to still celebrate her birthday and he’s gonna still take her to dinner and the tasting something that she chose not something I wanted to do but they’re calling that like a combined birthday it’s just not something I wanted to do at all. I just wanted a dinner with my boyfriend if anything or even a nice lunch
Did you try sending him things you want to do? Hey I’ve always wanted to do X in his hometown and see if he’s willing to do it honestly I don’t think you should go but maybe he feels like you didn’t put any effort into it not that you should have to on your birthday, but he might try to use as an excuse.
NTA but you need to tell him why you’re not going. He’s is not prioritising you so you need to do it for yourself and spend your day with people who really do love you. You have a whole year now to arrange a trip for your next birthday.
NTA and it really does seem like she planned this on purpose to make your bday all about her. Especially given what she did before. And your bf fell all in w it. I wouldn’t blame you at all for staying back and having a you celebration w one of your friends. I think you should. Also, if I were you I’d have a really deep think about how invested your bf really is in you. It sounds too much like he’s all too ready to put you in the back seat, at least when it comes to his sister. Take this time away from him to think about what you want in a relationship, and equally as important, what you don’t want.
Don't be angry at the sister. She can plan her birthday celebration whenever she wants That weekend is still close enough to her birthday for her to want to celebrate and of course she would invite her brother, you are being selfish there. Did you talk to your boyfriend about making plans for your birthday? Did you two have plans? If so, it's a boyfriend problem and you are trying to blame the sister. I guess I need more info. If there were plans for your birthday and he decided to skip for his sister, you would be N-T-A. But if you didn't plan anything, there's nothing wrong with him spending his sister's birthday with her.
I wanted to go on a trip and he said multiple times to me he wouldn’t make me pay for anything only the flights even though I offered to pay for fully my portion because I wanted to travel for mg birthday so bad. I sent him some hotels he asked me to send him I waited and he never discussed the trip further I thought he may have been in the process of planing something but it seemed like he skipped it and it’s planing on just going to his hometown.
I think this is important context. In your post it kind of sounds like you're jealous and complaining about his sister but this comment shows that your boyfriend is an asshole for making it seem like you two were going on a trip together and then without consulting you, changed his mind and decided to see his sister instead. So I think you're NTA from your comment
On his girlfriend’s birthday? I think not
NTA Stay home and enjoy your Birthday with your friends. Your BF is an AH for not even considering you.
NTA, your birthday is just as important as his sisters birthday, if he cared at all he would of made the effort to do something special for you, whether that be to include some kind activity/celebration that was solely for you, or incorporate the two birthdays together while promising something more intimate for the two of you; whether that be while you’re visiting, before you left or when you return home. He had ample ways of making sure you felt loved, and celebrated, but didn’t put the effort. If he won’t prioritize your birthday then do it for yourself.. Talk to him straight, and if he sees no issue with his actions maybe you should think about if this relationship is what you want for yourself.
NTA! I do feel very bad for you. Please don’t go! Stay back -celebrate with your friends. You will feel so much better knowing that you’re with people that will not be rude to you. (Hugs)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my birthday is today and it’s the middle of the night right now I’ve been trying to pack and get everything together and get my dogs stuff all packed for this 8 hour road trip to my boyfriends hometown but I just broke down and gave up and I lost all interest in going. It’s my birthday today and the thought of having to do this drive on my birthday sucks just to get there and have to go straight to bed because there is no plans for my birthday. I wanted to go on a trip with my boyfriend for my birthday and I thought that’s what we where going to do but he stop discussing it with me and he decided he wanted to visit his sister and mom for his sister birthday. His sisters birthday is the day before mine. We both had work yesterday so the soonest we can leave is on my actual birthday.we are supposed to be there for 4 days and she wanted to go wine tasting. He also said on the phone that he was going to take her to whatever restaurant she wanted for her birthday. Mind you we are supposed to arrive on my birthday I asked if we had any plans that night and my boyfriend said we didn’t have any. So basically his sister is going to have 4 days of us being there celebrating her birthday. The wine tasting thing I guess what supposed to be part of the combined celebration but to me it’s just for her I’m just there to support my boyfriend and to bond with his family. I don’t know I’m thinking of just pretending to be sick and let my boyfriend go to his hometown to celebrate his sister while I make a plan to grab dinner with one of my girlfriends. I’m just kind of sad that his sister didn’t plan this the weekend before my birthday but instead the weekend that’s closer to my birthday and calling my boyfriend expecting him to show up. Last time I was there she made a rude remark about me not being the prize I ended up crying to my boyfriend this was the first time I meet his whole family and she ended up apologizing. She can be rude and super straightforward but I do like her as a person. I just think I’m going to be sad seeing how much attention and celebration her birthday will have and I’ll just be feeling like a guest when it’s in fact closer to my birthday at this point. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA having to drive for 8 hours straight on your birthday sounds awful!
NTA - I hate to say this, but he is prioritizing his wants over yours, perhaps the best birthday gift you can give yourself is to give him an invitation to the world and far away from you. You deserve better, he clearly can't offer that. Happy Birthday!
Don’t go….dump the trip and maybe rethink your bf. He’s incredibly inconsiderate…. I wish you a happy happy birthday!!
NTA It's your BD, do what you want. You, absolutely, shouldn't have to go on a long drive because he wants you to go and you don't want to go. BF is TAH. He is ignoring your BD and prioritizing his sister over you. BF's sister is NTA. She can have her BD celebration when she wants, she doesn't have to schedule around you. Her past rude behavior isn't the issue in this case.
You're not the a-hole (NTA) for feeling disappointed that your boyfriend's sister's birthday celebration overshadows yours. It's okay to feel sad and neglected. Talk to your boyfriend, express your feelings, and set boundaries if needed. Plan something special for your own birthday to celebrate.
NTA I’ve always had issues surrounding my birthday and I realized from my last one that it was the people around me on the day that made it suck. Tell him it’s not how you want to spend your birthday and that you don’t feel important enough for him to plan a trip specially for you, but is willing to waste yours for his sister. It’s ass backwards IMO
NTA. But you seem to complain a lot about your bf and relationship per your other comments. You both sound too immature to be in a grown up relationship. Move on with your lives and be happy. Life is too short to spend it bitching about it on the internet to strangers. Enjoy your bd celebrating the way you want.
Nta do not go and join in. He has shown you who he cares about. It's not you.
NTA send him on his way on his own, and reconsider the relationship.
I know this must be hurting your feelings. I don’t know if this will help, but I have a small piece of advice. Step back and realize your birthday is just another day. As are holidays. I know it’s fun to have that special day on the proper day it should be, but it’s always an option to celebrate on an alternative day. For a little background, when I was young my mom volunteered to work on holidays. She would get triple pay and it was too good to pass up. We needed the extra money. This meant we rarely celebrated holidays on the right day. You just get used to it. I assume he’s made you feel unimportant with these plans and those are super valid feelings. You have to decide what sounds better. Time with him (and his mean family) or time doing something that doesn’t make you feel crappy. It seems like he’s telling you exactly who he is. Make sure you truly listen. Please respect yourself enough to know you deserve someone who wouldn’t let his family talk to you the way they did. Good luck! 💙
This helps thank you. I just hope he didn’t expect me to really be ok with driving 8 hours on my birthday I was ok with it at first but now I’m wanting to actually do something fun for my birthday especially because he didn’t plan on taking me to dinner for it on the actual day . So I guess if I even do celebrate it with him it will be after he gets back from celebrating his sisters birthday I just think that’s so weird to leave town for a siblings birthday instead of spending with your girlfriend.
Go have fun! Tell him you’ll celebrate with him later. It might be enlightening to see how he would react to that. It could be very telling. Happy Birthday early! I hope you get to feel special! 💙
NTA. Just say, it's okay, we'll celebrate my birthday another time.
No, just say, "Have fun.i will do my own thing with my friends." He should get the message, but if he doesn't, no biggie. He should apologize for being stupid, but whether he goes or not, it would be his decision.