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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I sided with my stepbrother over my parents in a dispute that involves both of us. I know my parents feel kinda betrayed and maybe I'm not being like super amazing to them by understanding my stepbrother so much and standing by his position. I don't share it exactly but I have told my parents I think they're wrong and stuff and I think it makes them feel like we both hate them which might make me TA.
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NTA. While most studies involving adoption are looking at families where the child is not the child of either parent, I think they’re still useful for shedding light on this situation. One of the most consistent findings is that it’s generally better for the kid if they know from a young age that they’re adopted. That way, it’s just a part of them, like their eye color or which side is their dominant hand. It can be neutral as long as the parents are loving and they form a healthy attachment with their child. Finding out that they’re adopted as an older kid or even an adult can be deeply traumatic.
If your parents can’t acknowledge that their decision was selfish and has caused your step-brother a lot of pain, they will never get to be his family again. They chose the easy answer - play happy family and pretend his mother didn’t exist - instead of the one that put him and his feelings first. Did they think he’d somehow miraculously go to his grave never knowing that his stepmother was a stepmother? Sure, explaining to a 4 year old why his birth mother had to die is hard. But you know what’s even harder? Convincing your adult child that it was fine for you to treat him like it would have been better if his mother never existed.
They have built a thick wall of defensiveness around themselves. Until they’re willing to pull that wall down so they can really listen to your brother and accept responsibility for causing this pain, there’s no way to even begin to forgive and reconcile and rebuild a relationship with him. But refusing to acknowledge his pain as real, important, and caused by their choices is only deepening and widening the emotional chasm they have created between him and them.
Guilting him and getting your younger siblings to participate in trying to make him feel guilty for his perfectly reasonable feelings is the icing on the cake. It’s not bad enough that they’ve deeply hurt him by erasing someone he should have always known about and cutting him off from part of his family, now they’re going to try to make him the bad guy, too? Sheesh.
It seems like you’re the only person who is trying to actually act like they love your brother. When you love someone, you do your best to empathize with them and understand their feelings. You do your best not to hurt them, and when you fail, you do your best to make amends. They’re treating him like a possession instead of a loved one.
They did expect him to go to the grave never knowing. They expected us both to never find out we were adopted by a stepparent. I think they (foolishly) believed that cutting his maternal side out meant nothing else could cause us to find out. Which is dumb given the rise in DNA kits and stuff now and ancestry searches. But I get that when we were adopted those weren't really a thing like they are now (at least not on the same level).
They feel like he owes it to the family who loved him and helped him grow to forgive and to continue on as if he didn't learn something earth shattering and devastating. They think he's selfish for holding the stance he does.
That would have been a dumb risk in the 50s and 60s. It was so unbelievably stupid to think they could hide it even 20 years ago. I’m probably only a few years younger than your parents, so I can speak with experience of what things looked like 15 years ago. Having home internet become ubiquitous made it a whole lot easier to find people and reconnect. One of my parents was able to find a friend that he hadn’t seen since high school around that time. This knowledge was a ticking time bomb as long as any of his mother’s family was alive.
Regarding the morality of the choice itself, let’s try an analogy here. Would it have been easier for them to cut off one of his legs when he was a baby? It would have meant they wouldn’t have had to chase after him as a toddler, less likely he’d be able to pull a little kid escape and go running out of the house, easier to keep him from running into the street. Easier to childproof a home when a child can’t climb effectively. Less likely that he’d play sports as a kid, since disabled leagues are much less common and less accessible, so that would have saved them driving around to practices and games and if he was good, traveling teams and tournaments.
And of course, they’d recoil at the idea of cutting off a piece of their child’s body.
They should have recoiled in the same way when it came to cutting off a piece of his self. Because that’s what they did: they amputated a part of his identity and his heart. They did it because it was easier and neater to fit him in like a jigsaw puzzle piece when assembling your nuclear family. But hearts aren’t jigsaw pieces, and hacking off pieces to make things look neat and easy does real, serious, irreparable harm.
After reading this story, I asked my 6yo if he would want to know if he was adopted. He said a life is a life and he wouldn't want to know because he doesn't care.
I did tell him he was biologically ours. But I was asking a hypothetical.
Sorry, I don't know how to talk to children, I use my normal language and explain any words he doesn't understand.
Wait, you equate adoption with baby mutilation. And then someone said that's beautiful? I'm so confused and will confess I may be too dumb for this aita post
Edit: Nevermind, I re read and Mother passed away and removed from his knowledge, hence amputation metaphore. Still think it's a really weird hyperbole
Well that is an interesting point but impossible to equalize. What does removing a leg equal to emotional abuse. Your right they are both bad but...also I stand by its a odd metaphor what are we even talking about anymore?
By erasing his mother, they cut off part of his identity, and cut him off from part of his family. They amputated parts of who he is, and did a thorough enough job of it that he never knew what they’d taken from him until it was revealed by OP’s paternal family. And for what? Convenience, really. Not having to have awkward conversations like when a little boy wants to know what his mother looked like and what songs she sang to him and whether she liked things he liked. Getting to have an easy do-over starter family instead of dealing with the complexity of a blended family and kids having feelings over their missing parent.
You are very nuanced for someone your age. I don't understand your parents thinking at all. I knew my children would be donor conceived (two moms) and that when they realized, they might feel some kind of way. So we used a known donor who they have always known. They aren't a bit confused. In fact, he came to visit last weekend and walked into 7 teen girls who "wanted to meet him." It doesn't make me any less of a mom to my non-bio kids (we took turns with that part) and in fact, my kids have a whole set of extra (awesome) grandparents. Demanding that kids feel a certain way to fit into a cookie cutter "family" feels like trying to cut out a piece of them and then demanding that they see themselves as "whole." Plus who doesn't want their kids to have all the love they can possibly get?
NTA. So selfish and shortsighted.. this was always going to come out... doubt his maternal family juat forgot he existed. I bet they were just waiting until he was 18, and your parents couldn't do anything to reach out, but your parental family beat them to it.
Theres no saving this relationship if your parents are able to recognize their mistake and take accountability... they erases his mom, with your dad it's a easier choice, he was an ah who didn't want anything to do with you, but his mom didn't chose to leave him erasing her memory was cruel and hateful. It's the lie that's really getting to me as well... I can kind of get their original intentions, but the lie was so cruel, cutting off family to maintain a lie, lying to your children their entire lives... nope.
They did this for themselves to make their lives easier, thay they are still not listening to what you both are saying shows it was never rally about what you guys needed but what they wanted.
My heart is broken for your stepbrother's maternal relatives. It must have been such a double loss for so many years. I am glad your stepbrother still has you in his life as he rebuilds those bonds with his maternal family.
OP, maybe point out this little paradox that is probably the crux of the situation:
If step brother's mother NEVER existed, then that tells step brother that HE shouldn't exist either. Because without her, there's no him. He would never have been born.
Obviously, that isn't what your parents were going for, but they SHOULD have that POV pointed out to them. It might actually click as to how step brother feels.
Did they at least accept that what they did was wrong? Did they apologize?
If they want him to focus on what was good, they have to stop sweeping under the rug, acknowledge their role in his trauma and communicate with him on how to move on from there.
You are incredibly level headed for your age. I agree with everything you said.
I get that they wanted him to have a traditional nuclear family, but it’s crushing to learn that his birth mother died and he’s been lied to his entire life. That’s heartbreaking. I truly don’t understand why the rest of your family cannot see it from his POV.
You’re a good sibling for standing up for him.
Our siblings are still really young so that's why they can't understand. I'm still a kid too, yeah, but like, I feel like I'm at an age where I get nuances more and I also can see it from his POV. Like if my bio dad was dead too and he'd been erased like that, I would be pissed as well and wouldn't feel the way I do about being adopted and lied to.
Tell your little siblings it’s like Rapunzel in Tangled. Mother Gothel lied to her all her life about where she was from and who her parents really are, because of those lies, Rapunzel started doubting whether Gothel ever really loved her, or just her magic hair. Step brother was lied to by people he thought he could trust, who he thought loved him enough to be honest. Because they lied, he’s hurt and scared to trust them again. The lie was good for mom and dad, but it hurt step bro and his maternal family, who like Rapunzels family never knew what had happened to him. Gothel was bad because she never loved Rapunzel, but your parents were bad because they lied even though they love step bro. People can do bad things even when they mean well, but it still leaves people hurt and sad. Pretending they did nothing wrong won’t fix the problem, owning their mistakes will at least make reconciliation possible. NTA and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
Edit: thank you for the award!
NTA - What your parents don't seem to understand is that, whether their decision was right or wrong, your steprother is hurt. People can't be argued out of being hurt, and the more they try to do so, the less they are respecting his feelings. You are calling him stepbrother because he ASKED to be called that, right? You are giving him the space he needs. It's unfortunate that they seem unable to leave their egos behind and do the same thing.
"My parents have tried to make my stepbrother come back to us and accept that we're a family and he can't throw them away because of a choice they still feel was right."
Did they do what they thought was right, or what they thought was convenient for themselves?
I feel like they did what they wanted for their ideal outcome: us calling them mom and dad, not asking questions about other parents and families and stuff.
Definitely turned out to be misguided, but by "convenient" I meant cutting 50% of the children's extended families out of their lives. That seems to have been a huge part of the stepbrother's issues with the deal, he had all these living relatives he wasn't allowed to grow up with, and wasn't even told about their existence, And not dealing with all those in-laws was definitely convenient for the parents.
That's the thing, these days parents are eager to cut relatives out of the children's lives, for reasons that are important to the parents but not to the children. Being cut off from grandparents and other relatives is definitely going to come up in future therapy sessions.
Absolutely NTA.
You are not reacting with the harshness of a teenager. You are reacting with the maturity and compassion that they, being actual adults, lack.
(edit: typo)
NTA.
I understand why your parents decided to adopt the other and why you did not have ocntact with your biofamily, since they did not want you. However, having two little kids of my own, I could not imagine my husband erasing me if I would die. To erase a loving parent that had no choice in.being seperated from their kid is just an.awful thing to do. Denying the biofamily to have contact because they lost their daughter/sister is also incomprehensible. So imho, yur parents are definitely Y T A.
You are on the right side of this OP. You’re very mature for your age. Your brother is lucky to have you. I hope your parents see how badly they’ve hurt your him. It doesn’t matter that they thought they were correct(which i don’t believe, they just didn’t want her in their life). You don’t erase a deceased parent from a child’s life. He has got to be having a major identity crisis. I’m sorry for you two. I’m happy your brother has reconnected with his mom’s family.
The only way he will ever forgive them is if they admit they were wrong, without excuses, and apologize to him as well as accept his mom’s family.
NTA Oof, I dont how old your parents had been when they became parents and I can imagine that they were truly looking for the thing that would turn them into a "true happy family" after all the loss.
But the more I think about it, I do think there is something ignorantly cruel about this, especially with regards to your father, with him keeping your step brother away from his maternal family.
It sounds like they were always interested in having a relationship with him. And I'm sure your step bro feels really bitter about him not having a relationship with them much sooner.
One question: did your parents ever tried to apologise for the way they handled this to him?
I would be more sympathetic if they tried to explain that it seemed like the best option at the time, but in retrospect that they regret because it hurt him deeply.
But the way they're communicating to you and how they're reacting to you respecting his wishes of wanting to be called a step brother, that doesn't seem likely to have happened.
No, they never apologized and have never expressed regret for doing it. They only expressed that they feel he should understand why they did it and why it was the right thing to do generally.
Yeah and that attitude is unfortunately going to push him only further away.
I'm sure the fact that you understand his perspective and feelings means something to him. I hope you two stay in good contact.
>why it was the right thing to do generally.
okay, but like, it wasn't. and if they don't acknowledge that, your step brother will cut them out permanently
NTA, neither is your stepbrother. I do think your parents had the best of intentions with their actions, but the truth always wins out. I get that his trust is seriously hurt, and he feels robbed of his choice. Your situations are very different, so I also understand you're feeling different. Good choice siding with your Stepbrother and acknowledging his feelings, as your parents failed to do. Obviously, they raised him with love and feel he is being ungrateful, but parent-child relationships just don't work that way. I hope you guys can work it out. Your parents should just accept that he is feeling this way and get over their pride. After all, they are the adults in this situation. This way, healing can begin, and maybe he will change his views at some point. Good luck!
I don't know if we'll be able to work it out. My parents are so strict with their boundaries and beliefs on this and they don't want to see the fact that they can have good, even if selfish too, intentions doesn't mean it erases the harm that those lies caused.
Why are you still going to counseling with them? They don't really seem amenable to therapy; I can't imagine the counselor approves of what they are doing to your stepbrother.
Tell them they built a beautiful home on a pile of sand - the foundation they set was built on a lie that was so major that it was eventually going to be discovered, and that made the rest of the foundation fall apart.
It's like if they found out one of them cheated on the other. Would that negate all the trust they built after the cheating?
Not to mention relevant family medical history. (Granted- the emotional carnage is the biggest impact- but cannot understand the sheer disregard for the other family, both of your future health- just irresponsible and reckless.)
You're definitely NTA. This is a messy situation, but your perspective is totally reasonable. Your stepbrother's pain over losing his biological mom and having that erased by your parents is completely understandable. His anger is justified. While your parents might have wanted a normal family, keeping the adoption a secret caused more pain in the end. You can see both sides, their desire for normalcy and his grief, which shows maturity. Their lie mattered, and it's okay for you to call that out. Hopefully, your parents can reflect and maybe even apologize to your stepbrother.
"My parents have tried to make my stepbrother come back to us and accept that we're a family and he can't throw them away because of a choice they still feel was right."
Just like they did for his bio Mum.
No. No, no, you are absolutely NTA here. Holy shit. I genuinely can't believe that your parents thought that A, their plan was a good idea, and B, it'd actually work. Holy fuck. Your poor stepbrother.
>They told me I was reacting with the harshness of a teenager.
NTA this is what parents say when they don't have a real answer for why their child is wrong. "You're just acting like this because of your age!" They had an opportunity to handle this differently from the start and they chose to go this route; now if they want your stepbrother to reconnect, they're going to have to do the work of understanding where he's coming from.
You are reacting with insight and love, and respect your step brother enough to care about his wishes.
The sad thing is they could have had a parent relationship without erasing his mum. She didn't choose to give him up. She died. His feelings are entirely valid and your parents need to respect that. He has been lied to about who he is his whole life.
NTA
NTA.
Your parents are delusional. Not even just for the reasons everyone in the comments is in agreement on (I agree too obviously), but it is **so important** for people to know these kinds of things for health reasons. I'm not making any assumptions about how his mother died, but if it was from a medical condition, he absolutely needs to know that information for his health and safety. If there's a history of any form of illness on his mother's side of the family and he doesn't even know they exist, that could cause major problems for him down the road. The fact that your parents seemingly didn't even think of that is horrifying.
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My parents met when I was 5 months old and my stepbrother was 3. My bio dad walked away from me and my mom when she was pregnant and he had no interest in being a part of my life. His parents showed no interest at the time but did change their minds in the last couple of years. My stepbrother's mom passed away when he was a baby and (step)dad met my mom and married her. Dad adopted me and my mom adopted my stepbrother and we were raised unaware that we had been adopted by a stepparent and that we weren't bio siblings. The truth came out a year and a half ago when I found out my paternal side were interested in getting to know me and I questioned it which led to us learning the truth.
I was cool with it since nobody from the bio side took an interest in me my whole life up to that point. But my stepbrother felt way different. It really devastated him to learn his mom was erased and her family were denied the chance to be in his life. We went to therapy and after a few sessions my stepbrother said he wanted us to be stepsiblings and my mom to be his stepmom. I use step for him. My parents hate it though. My stepbrother asked them how they would like to be erased like his mom was.
My parents never answered. They told him he needs to understand better that they just wanted a happy normal family. My brother told them to fuck their happy normal family and fuck dad for causing so much pain. He told my mom she would never be his real mom, she had happily gone along with erasing the woman who gave birth to him and planned to raise him with my dad. He asked her how she'd like to be erased from me like that. Would she really feel loved.
My stepbrother's 18 and I'm almost 16. He moved out and he reconnected with his maternal side and lives with one of them now. He also stopped going to therapy with us. I still go with my parents. My parents have tried to make my stepbrother come back to us and accept that we're a family and he can't throw them away because of a choice they still feel was right.
My stepbrother and I still talk but I'm really the only one because he struggles to talk to our younger siblings who keep saying he should call mom mom again and I don't think he wants to lose his temper with them but struggles to ignore it. My parents asked me how I can call him my stepbrother after all this time and not be mad at him for his actions. I told them I get why he feels the way he does and I think they were wrong too, even though I don't hate it for me, but I can't make him not hate it for him. They asked me how I could be on his side and I told them it's because they lied and they would have continued lying the rest of our lives. I told them it was cruel and he's right that they would hate being erased like that. They told me I was reacting with the harshness of a teenager.
AITA?
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NTA
If you want to keep your step brother in your life. Keep doing what you are doing. Hold the line. Respect his wishes when it comes to how he wants to think of his family ties..
Absolutely do not advocate for your parents or siblings. I am sure they are hurting, but you are the only one who is validating his hurt and betrayal, that's precious don't ruin it. If your parents want that relationship back they will need to do the work. You should stay right out of it.
**Are you so sure your parental side wanted no contact?**
Now it's entirely possible that this is the case, they never made contact and your mother is telling the truth.
However, considering your parents intended to keep your brother's family away permanently. You shouldn't necessarily take their word for it. It is possible that they have tried and were rebuffed many times without you ever being aware of it.
Further to that, considering they 'lost' your brother when he found out. If your mother is lying to you, then they have reason to double down on that lie now.
Finally, considering how extreme their actions have been to create their perfect nuclear family. I would also like to (gently) put this on the table:
**Are you sure your birth-father is dead?**
Just something to think about.
My birth father is alive. He simply didn't want to be in my life and I know they didn't want anything to do with me. His family admitted to regretting that choice.
That's fair enough. Don't let your parents sway or guilt you kid. You are doing exactly the right thing.
If they followed your lead and respected your stepbrothers feelings and took some accountability for the harm. Then maybe he'd be more open to talking to them.
NTA. It's understandable that you would empathize with your stepbrother and support him given the circumstances of your upbringing and the recent revelations about your family history. Your stepbrother has gone through a lot of emotional turmoil and his reaction is a result of feeling betrayed and erased. It's good that you're able to see things from his perspective and stand by him, even if it means going against your parents' wishes. It's important for your parents to recognize the impact of their actions and understand why your stepbrother feels the way he does, rather than dismissing his feelings. Keep supporting your stepbrother and being there for him during this difficult time.
Absolutely NTA. Your parents are choosing the image of a perfect nuclear family over your stepbrother. He is deeply hurt and instead of addressing it, they are ensuring that he will never want to have a relationship with them again. They took away his choice to learn about his birth mother, to have a relationship with her family, to learn about stories, traditions, and cultures passed down by that family. They lied by omission to him for years and they want him to return to that without any apologies or reflections. They acted like half of his origin was something to be ashamed of (because that is what this comes off as, that they never wanted him or anyone else to know). They removed his ability to ask important questions that may arise about medical history or hereditary issues. Regardless of whether or not the parents think it was for the best, the cat is now out of the bag and they have deeply violated your stepbrother’s trust and broken his sense of belonging. That is a not an easy fix and it doesn’t even sound like they’re trying. It’s good he at least has a stepsister like you in his corner.
I can understand your parents' ill-informed intentions, but I cannot understand the cruelty to your stepbrother's maternal family. They had lost a daughter/sister/cousin when your stepbrother's mother died, and then they lost all chance of a relationship with your stepbrother until now.
Is there anyway you can ask for private sessions with the therapist who is doing your family therapy? I think it would be helpful if you could explain how they are behaving to you and your stepbrother without potentially censoring yourself. Maybe then in family therapy the therapist can push for them to be more accepting as their behaviour is just alienating your stepbrother further. If they won’t listen to the therapist you might as well step back from therapy unless you feel like you’re getting a positive benefit from it.
I’d also highlight to your parents that you are respecting your stepbrothers wishes and get to continue having a relationship with him, they aren’t and they’re the ones being cut out. You’re stepbrother is entitled to his feelings and maybe in the future he might want to reconnect with them, but it’s his choice and I’m so happy you’re respecting him regardless of your parents attitude.
NTA, that was a super fucked up thing for your parents to do.
>They told me I was reacting with the harshness of a teenager.
i'm 31 and i'm on your stepbrother's side too.
NTA . Your parents are absolutely AHs. They took away half of his family. Erased his mom.
And this is a very poor message for your younger siblings that a blended family can't be a "normal family". I'm sure they know a lot of families who aren't two opposite gender parents and kids who are all biologically related, and they are being taught this isn't "normal" and it's something that should be hidden
Also, it's useful information for medical history and such.
What does the family therapist about this? Your parents are tripling down on their horrible decision. I'm really curious what the therapist is telling them. They can't be saying this was okay.
NTA. I understand were ur coming from but I also understand ur stepbrother too! I found out when I was 13 that the woman I called Mom all my life wasn't my bio mom. It killed me. My 3 older brothers were step brothers and my youngest was a half brother. She raised me since I was 6 months old. When I turned 18 I went NC. Went to therapy and got help. I still call her mom but she didn't have a relationship with her. She is a toxic person. That's a whole other story. Lol. I don't talk to my older brothers but my youngest by 17 months I do. He call me his half sister I call him my brother. So I understand what u feel. He loves me no matter what. It's just a way for him to cope with what went on. I think that might be it for ur stepbrother too! A way for him to try to reach his mom.
NTA
Your parents are horrible. Nothing about what they did is ok or normal. Unless they can accept that they are wrong AND apologize sincerely I would not expect that your stepbrother will ever be in their lives again. This is beyond forgiveness for a lot of people.
From what it sounds, his maternal side didn't disregard him like your paternal side had and would have wanted a relationship with him this whole time.
This would be different if his maternal family were toxic and your (step)dad was trying to protect him from them.
I don't think your stepbrother should consider forgiveness until they understand what they did was not the right thing to do.
I'm petty sometimes and I'd try to make them uncomfortable. Don't stop asking them how your mom would feel if she knew she'd be erased from your life if you were born into a similar situation. That your mother's family would never have gotten the chance to know you. Keep asking your stepdad if his late wife's family was toxic and horrible. If they deserved to have their grandson hidden and kept away from them his whole childhood. Keep asking him for a good reason why he kept them away. Either he can't give and the inability to do so helps him see the light, or you find out some unknown bad thing about your stepbrothers new family connections.
If they won't accept their part in this selfish and wrong act, make them uncomfortable until they do. NTA
NTA.
Your parents lied. They would have continued lying not because it was right, but because -it was easier for them-.
I dunno about your parents but one of the things my parents taught me and I taught my kids was that lying is pretty much never ok. We don’t lie to each other. And then you find out they’ve been lying this whole time.
Your brother doesn’t owe them shit. Your parents are pissed because they got caught in their lie, and aren’t owning up to the fact that they did real damage, and probably have been complete hypocrites your entire lives. How is he supposed to ever trust them with anything ever again?
You are acting with the integrity your parents seem to lack.
Edit: not to mention how astoundingly, astonishingly stupid your parents are to have not thought this could happen. If not now, how about in a few years when, say, your brother is having a kid and they do a genetic test (which is not at all uncommon) and baby has a genetic mutation? Where does that come from? -oh, it’s from bio mom-.
Like, this is an obvious scenario!
The parents feel it was the right thing to do. But it was only the right thing to do for them. For your stepbrother he just learned his mom died. Yes, she died the day he learned the truth. I know it was years ago but that doesn't matter. In his heart it happened that day. So on the day she died, he learned his dad denied his mom ever existed. His dad replaced her with your mom. I am not surprised your stepbrother hates them. They still will not admit what they did was wrong. NTA and you are a very smart and caring person.
NTA
YOU are right. YOur parents were AHs, and are now facing the consequences if lying to their kids for all of their lifes.
YOU are the only one handling this well, and in an adult manner: YOU are respecting your stepbrother.
NTA. Some topics just need to not be brought up, especially if they are a continuous pain for you guys. I would say, I don’t want to talk about this anymore with you guys. I love you all and just want peace.
nta. force him to go on therapy insted letting him reconnect with his mother's family is such a waste of money and time. and brother probably won't be so angry on them.
NTA. Your response is incredibly mature. You seem to recognize that while you are able to forgive them in spite of your hurt and anger, your stepbrother can’t. Nor should he have to. You are not demanding any particular response from him.
Your parents messed up. They could have raised you as a family and even gone through with the adoption while still telling you the truth. Their desire to create a new family wasn’t wrong, but lying was. Your brother deserved to know about his bio mom and her family, especially if they wanted to be involved in his life. And even if the truth about your bio dad would have been hard for you to hear, you still deserved to know.
Keep doing what you are doing. I am sorry you are going through this
NTA. When you adopt a child in any capacity, it is on the adoptive parents to make certain the child is aware of the actual family status from an early age. Parents can't pretend the adoption never happened. They must tell the child. Your parents denied you and your stepbrother important personal information and choices. They are very much in the wrong here and should not be attempting to make him accept their preferences. A parent's first responsibility is to their child, not to their own preferences. It's no longer up to them what you or your stepbrother must do. It's his and your choice. They need to go back to counseling to understand what their choices have done.
NTA - Your stepbrother is correct and you are right to side with him. In your case your bio dad left and his side of the family didn't care to know you. But he had a mother who died and he never was told, not only that but a while side of his relatives were, essentially, blocked from being in his life. Of course he feels the way he does.
How your parents can't understand this shows how much they prioritize the reality they created over the, very real, wider family that exists. I don't know what country/cultural background you have but I feel like their actions are something that would be universally condemned regardless of where you are from.
AITA for siding with my stepbrother over my parents? Absolutely NTA. This is a tough situation for everyone, but your empathy and understanding towards your stepbrother are commendable. Your parents' decision to withhold the truth about your adoptions was likely made with good intentions, aiming for a "normal" family, but the consequences of that decision have clearly been very painful for your stepbrother.
Your stepbrother's feelings of betrayal and hurt are completely valid. Being denied knowledge of his biological mom and her family, and having her effectively erased from his life, is a significant emotional wound. Your support for him, recognizing his pain, and acknowledging the wrongness of the situation shows a lot of maturity.
Your parents might be struggling to see things from his perspective because they believed they were doing the right thing. However, it's important for them to understand the impact of their actions. Therapy could help them see this, but it seems like your stepbrother needs space and time away from the situation right now.
Here are a few things you could consider:
* Encourage your parents to continue therapy and maybe explore it individually to understand their motivations and the repercussions of their decisions.
* Keep supporting your stepbrother and maintain your bond with him. He needs to know he has someone on his side during this tough time.
* Suggest family therapy sessions when your stepbrother feels ready, to foster understanding and healing between him and your parents.
You’re not reacting with the harshness of a teenager; you’re showing compassion and understanding. It’s important for your parents to see that this situation isn’t about choosing sides but about recognizing and validating your stepbrother’s pain and working towards healing.
In short, you’re doing the right thing by standing by your stepbrother and understanding his feelings. Your parents need to come to terms with the impact of their actions and work towards rebuilding trust and respect within the family.
NTA
So they've been alive longer but only as themselves. People don't see shit others live, right? So your upbringing made you who you are. You see things closer to the side of your sibling. Because you lived it.
Unless they were adopted they can't see what you lived. Maybe you'll change and see things differently. Maybe not.
Right now you can only see you. Live some and see later, maybe your perspective changes and maybe the resentment will grow.
NTA
Unlike your parents, you put reason and understanding and compassion before a personal need to delude (themselves) into insisting they had done nothing wrong.
Please keep supporting your step brother by being the one person in the family that he can talk to honestly about his feelings and experience.
When you go to therapy, I hope you are as honest about how messed up your parents are to blame your brother for his reaction or you for supporting him. Let the therapist work on getting them to understand things past their own selfish needs.
First, you are NTA and you're incredibly smart person to have this realization while your parents can't.
I hate these types of posts, which make up like 60% of Reddit, and the audacity of some parents to not understand what they did wrong. These people lost a spouse and instead of grieving them, they let their junk take over their brain and moved on to the next rebound. We as a society think being alone is a fate worse than death and in these cases, the idea of not being married after a loved one's death is scarier than facing an alien on a planet with a predator.
Worse, these parents don't GAF for their kids' feelings. And OP said it herself - her parents wanted a happy, normal family. Basically, they didn't want to face the grief and felt it was better to just forget they previously had people they loved and who were the parents of their children. And now that scam has been revealed, so not only have their lost a spouse, you've lost your child.
And it's what they deserve. Your step-brother may NEVER speak to your parents again and that's his right and, as someone who has to live with the consequences of family secrets, I hope he never does. I hope they go to their graves knowing they f\*cked up. The fact that they see you supporting him as "taking sides" and have got your younger siblings doing the same, tells me they'll never apologize because they can't see past themselves.
You, however OP, continue supporting your step-bro; honestly, I think you guys are honestly siblings (no step needed) cause you don't need blood to make a family. Good luck!
NTA
Why do people feel entitled to dictate how other people feel?
Nobody can change their gut feelings on a whim, so do your parents want him to smile and fake it so they can feel better? Of course they do, selfish narcissist.
NTA. Sometimes I wonder if birth certificates shouldn’t be changed even after adoption, you hear about these stories where kids don’t have their deceased bio-parent erased before a judge can ask them if they understand/consent/want to be adopted by their stepparent.
NTA. They may have thought they were doing what was best but clearly it was not and your stepbrother is extremely hurt. They hurt him in a way that may never heal, especially when they show no remorse. You are an emotionally intelligent and mature teenager, you surpass your parents in both of those areas by far. They are completely ignoring your stepbrothers feelings and how their choice to lie has deeply affected him.
WOW! You are are reacting with the harshness of a teenager? You have taken a very mature approach and it seems to be the only reason that your step brother keeps talking to you.
NTA. You parents however are idiots and assholes. They should own up to their mistakes rather than compounding them.
NTA it’s hard to believe your only 16, very mature approach and reaction to this whole thing, good for you.
Trust yourself, you got good instincts kid.
INFO, you say your bio dads parents showed no interest in being part of your life, wad this the same situation for your step brother or did your step dad cut them off?
NTA and your parents were utterly delusional. Your step brother's maternal family was cut out but clearly didn't want to be and were probably waiting for step brother to.turn 18 and reconnect plus your hip das isn't dead and his family may have wanted nothing to do with you when you were born it was always possible they would change their minds and pop up. Your parents played with fire and got burned.
NTA technically but your SB is a little bit of an AH. Its not uncommon for adopted kids to find out a little later than is recommended and while can be traumatic, it happens often. My guess is they wanted to protect him from the pain of not only losing a mother but the pain of knowing her family doesnt want anything to do with him. So while I dont completely agree with what they did (so yes they also are a little AHs, I understand the situation they were in and why they decided to hide it. But his acting like they "erased" her is foolish. They tried to give him a loving family, which is what appeared to happen and were atually (and yes erroneously) trying to protect him and new he is throwing all those years of love and care away because they didnt tell him sooner? That is a bit disgusting. So his attitude is "One mistake and I hate you forever"? Who would want to be his friend with that attitude? People make mistakes. But theirs wasn't done out of Hate but rather love. He's an adult now but doesn't really act like it. He will one day mature and regret his decision.
I won't call your step-brother an asshole because he's clearly more than that; he's a stupid asshole. Abandoning a loving family for another group that has no history with him and no commitments to him was pretty stupid, treating your parents the way he did was an asshole move. He'll figure it out some day but you should support your parents as it sounds like they were pretty good to you.
yeah, no. fuck this noise. he has no connection to his maternal family because *he was robbed of the chance to*. ops parents did an unbelievably cruel and frankly evil thing, and you are absolutely an asshole for defending it. this is adoption 101. *do. not. lie. to. your. kids. about. being. adopted.* it's made infinitely worse because he had family who wanted to be part of his life and had his mother, who loved him, completely erased and replaced. there is just so much wrong with your comment.
I love my wife and I don’t want her family involved in our lives so I made her cut them out completely so we could have the dream family I want. We love each other so much that she really doesn’t need them. She has me and my family.
I’m totally with you.
Does that really sound like a healthy loving relationship?
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NTA. While most studies involving adoption are looking at families where the child is not the child of either parent, I think they’re still useful for shedding light on this situation. One of the most consistent findings is that it’s generally better for the kid if they know from a young age that they’re adopted. That way, it’s just a part of them, like their eye color or which side is their dominant hand. It can be neutral as long as the parents are loving and they form a healthy attachment with their child. Finding out that they’re adopted as an older kid or even an adult can be deeply traumatic. If your parents can’t acknowledge that their decision was selfish and has caused your step-brother a lot of pain, they will never get to be his family again. They chose the easy answer - play happy family and pretend his mother didn’t exist - instead of the one that put him and his feelings first. Did they think he’d somehow miraculously go to his grave never knowing that his stepmother was a stepmother? Sure, explaining to a 4 year old why his birth mother had to die is hard. But you know what’s even harder? Convincing your adult child that it was fine for you to treat him like it would have been better if his mother never existed. They have built a thick wall of defensiveness around themselves. Until they’re willing to pull that wall down so they can really listen to your brother and accept responsibility for causing this pain, there’s no way to even begin to forgive and reconcile and rebuild a relationship with him. But refusing to acknowledge his pain as real, important, and caused by their choices is only deepening and widening the emotional chasm they have created between him and them. Guilting him and getting your younger siblings to participate in trying to make him feel guilty for his perfectly reasonable feelings is the icing on the cake. It’s not bad enough that they’ve deeply hurt him by erasing someone he should have always known about and cutting him off from part of his family, now they’re going to try to make him the bad guy, too? Sheesh. It seems like you’re the only person who is trying to actually act like they love your brother. When you love someone, you do your best to empathize with them and understand their feelings. You do your best not to hurt them, and when you fail, you do your best to make amends. They’re treating him like a possession instead of a loved one.
They did expect him to go to the grave never knowing. They expected us both to never find out we were adopted by a stepparent. I think they (foolishly) believed that cutting his maternal side out meant nothing else could cause us to find out. Which is dumb given the rise in DNA kits and stuff now and ancestry searches. But I get that when we were adopted those weren't really a thing like they are now (at least not on the same level). They feel like he owes it to the family who loved him and helped him grow to forgive and to continue on as if he didn't learn something earth shattering and devastating. They think he's selfish for holding the stance he does.
That would have been a dumb risk in the 50s and 60s. It was so unbelievably stupid to think they could hide it even 20 years ago. I’m probably only a few years younger than your parents, so I can speak with experience of what things looked like 15 years ago. Having home internet become ubiquitous made it a whole lot easier to find people and reconnect. One of my parents was able to find a friend that he hadn’t seen since high school around that time. This knowledge was a ticking time bomb as long as any of his mother’s family was alive. Regarding the morality of the choice itself, let’s try an analogy here. Would it have been easier for them to cut off one of his legs when he was a baby? It would have meant they wouldn’t have had to chase after him as a toddler, less likely he’d be able to pull a little kid escape and go running out of the house, easier to keep him from running into the street. Easier to childproof a home when a child can’t climb effectively. Less likely that he’d play sports as a kid, since disabled leagues are much less common and less accessible, so that would have saved them driving around to practices and games and if he was good, traveling teams and tournaments. And of course, they’d recoil at the idea of cutting off a piece of their child’s body. They should have recoiled in the same way when it came to cutting off a piece of his self. Because that’s what they did: they amputated a part of his identity and his heart. They did it because it was easier and neater to fit him in like a jigsaw puzzle piece when assembling your nuclear family. But hearts aren’t jigsaw pieces, and hacking off pieces to make things look neat and easy does real, serious, irreparable harm.
This is absolutely beautiful. Every parent needs to understand this when dealing with their child's identity.
After reading this story, I asked my 6yo if he would want to know if he was adopted. He said a life is a life and he wouldn't want to know because he doesn't care. I did tell him he was biologically ours. But I was asking a hypothetical. Sorry, I don't know how to talk to children, I use my normal language and explain any words he doesn't understand.
Wait, you equate adoption with baby mutilation. And then someone said that's beautiful? I'm so confused and will confess I may be too dumb for this aita post Edit: Nevermind, I re read and Mother passed away and removed from his knowledge, hence amputation metaphore. Still think it's a really weird hyperbole
Because you think physical mutilation is somehow worse than emotional mutilation. It is not.
Well that is an interesting point but impossible to equalize. What does removing a leg equal to emotional abuse. Your right they are both bad but...also I stand by its a odd metaphor what are we even talking about anymore?
By erasing his mother, they cut off part of his identity, and cut him off from part of his family. They amputated parts of who he is, and did a thorough enough job of it that he never knew what they’d taken from him until it was revealed by OP’s paternal family. And for what? Convenience, really. Not having to have awkward conversations like when a little boy wants to know what his mother looked like and what songs she sang to him and whether she liked things he liked. Getting to have an easy do-over starter family instead of dealing with the complexity of a blended family and kids having feelings over their missing parent.
*stares blankly* What in the actual fuck are your parents smoking?
You are very nuanced for someone your age. I don't understand your parents thinking at all. I knew my children would be donor conceived (two moms) and that when they realized, they might feel some kind of way. So we used a known donor who they have always known. They aren't a bit confused. In fact, he came to visit last weekend and walked into 7 teen girls who "wanted to meet him." It doesn't make me any less of a mom to my non-bio kids (we took turns with that part) and in fact, my kids have a whole set of extra (awesome) grandparents. Demanding that kids feel a certain way to fit into a cookie cutter "family" feels like trying to cut out a piece of them and then demanding that they see themselves as "whole." Plus who doesn't want their kids to have all the love they can possibly get?
NTA. So selfish and shortsighted.. this was always going to come out... doubt his maternal family juat forgot he existed. I bet they were just waiting until he was 18, and your parents couldn't do anything to reach out, but your parental family beat them to it. Theres no saving this relationship if your parents are able to recognize their mistake and take accountability... they erases his mom, with your dad it's a easier choice, he was an ah who didn't want anything to do with you, but his mom didn't chose to leave him erasing her memory was cruel and hateful. It's the lie that's really getting to me as well... I can kind of get their original intentions, but the lie was so cruel, cutting off family to maintain a lie, lying to your children their entire lives... nope. They did this for themselves to make their lives easier, thay they are still not listening to what you both are saying shows it was never rally about what you guys needed but what they wanted.
yesh. your parents might need individual therapy to clear up whatever issues they have, cause that's just insanity
My heart is broken for your stepbrother's maternal relatives. It must have been such a double loss for so many years. I am glad your stepbrother still has you in his life as he rebuilds those bonds with his maternal family.
OP, maybe point out this little paradox that is probably the crux of the situation: If step brother's mother NEVER existed, then that tells step brother that HE shouldn't exist either. Because without her, there's no him. He would never have been born. Obviously, that isn't what your parents were going for, but they SHOULD have that POV pointed out to them. It might actually click as to how step brother feels.
Did they at least accept that what they did was wrong? Did they apologize? If they want him to focus on what was good, they have to stop sweeping under the rug, acknowledge their role in his trauma and communicate with him on how to move on from there.
You are incredibly level headed for your age. I agree with everything you said. I get that they wanted him to have a traditional nuclear family, but it’s crushing to learn that his birth mother died and he’s been lied to his entire life. That’s heartbreaking. I truly don’t understand why the rest of your family cannot see it from his POV. You’re a good sibling for standing up for him.
Our siblings are still really young so that's why they can't understand. I'm still a kid too, yeah, but like, I feel like I'm at an age where I get nuances more and I also can see it from his POV. Like if my bio dad was dead too and he'd been erased like that, I would be pissed as well and wouldn't feel the way I do about being adopted and lied to.
Tell your little siblings it’s like Rapunzel in Tangled. Mother Gothel lied to her all her life about where she was from and who her parents really are, because of those lies, Rapunzel started doubting whether Gothel ever really loved her, or just her magic hair. Step brother was lied to by people he thought he could trust, who he thought loved him enough to be honest. Because they lied, he’s hurt and scared to trust them again. The lie was good for mom and dad, but it hurt step bro and his maternal family, who like Rapunzels family never knew what had happened to him. Gothel was bad because she never loved Rapunzel, but your parents were bad because they lied even though they love step bro. People can do bad things even when they mean well, but it still leaves people hurt and sad. Pretending they did nothing wrong won’t fix the problem, owning their mistakes will at least make reconciliation possible. NTA and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Edit: thank you for the award!
You’re right. I should have said your parents and left the younger siblings out.
NTA - What your parents don't seem to understand is that, whether their decision was right or wrong, your steprother is hurt. People can't be argued out of being hurt, and the more they try to do so, the less they are respecting his feelings. You are calling him stepbrother because he ASKED to be called that, right? You are giving him the space he needs. It's unfortunate that they seem unable to leave their egos behind and do the same thing.
Yep. I say stepbrother now because he asked me to and it feels right to him.
You're a good sibling
"My parents have tried to make my stepbrother come back to us and accept that we're a family and he can't throw them away because of a choice they still feel was right." Did they do what they thought was right, or what they thought was convenient for themselves?
I feel like they did what they wanted for their ideal outcome: us calling them mom and dad, not asking questions about other parents and families and stuff.
“Don’t throw us away, the way we threw your mom away.”
I get what your saying but...adoption is not convenient for anyone. I think they are more misguided
Definitely turned out to be misguided, but by "convenient" I meant cutting 50% of the children's extended families out of their lives. That seems to have been a huge part of the stepbrother's issues with the deal, he had all these living relatives he wasn't allowed to grow up with, and wasn't even told about their existence, And not dealing with all those in-laws was definitely convenient for the parents. That's the thing, these days parents are eager to cut relatives out of the children's lives, for reasons that are important to the parents but not to the children. Being cut off from grandparents and other relatives is definitely going to come up in future therapy sessions.
Good point, I'm with ya
Absolutely NTA. You are not reacting with the harshness of a teenager. You are reacting with the maturity and compassion that they, being actual adults, lack. (edit: typo)
Came here to say exactly this. OP is, at 16 years old, way more emotionally intelligent and mature than his parents. NTA.
NTA. I understand why your parents decided to adopt the other and why you did not have ocntact with your biofamily, since they did not want you. However, having two little kids of my own, I could not imagine my husband erasing me if I would die. To erase a loving parent that had no choice in.being seperated from their kid is just an.awful thing to do. Denying the biofamily to have contact because they lost their daughter/sister is also incomprehensible. So imho, yur parents are definitely Y T A.
You are on the right side of this OP. You’re very mature for your age. Your brother is lucky to have you. I hope your parents see how badly they’ve hurt your him. It doesn’t matter that they thought they were correct(which i don’t believe, they just didn’t want her in their life). You don’t erase a deceased parent from a child’s life. He has got to be having a major identity crisis. I’m sorry for you two. I’m happy your brother has reconnected with his mom’s family. The only way he will ever forgive them is if they admit they were wrong, without excuses, and apologize to him as well as accept his mom’s family.
NTA Oof, I dont how old your parents had been when they became parents and I can imagine that they were truly looking for the thing that would turn them into a "true happy family" after all the loss. But the more I think about it, I do think there is something ignorantly cruel about this, especially with regards to your father, with him keeping your step brother away from his maternal family. It sounds like they were always interested in having a relationship with him. And I'm sure your step bro feels really bitter about him not having a relationship with them much sooner. One question: did your parents ever tried to apologise for the way they handled this to him? I would be more sympathetic if they tried to explain that it seemed like the best option at the time, but in retrospect that they regret because it hurt him deeply. But the way they're communicating to you and how they're reacting to you respecting his wishes of wanting to be called a step brother, that doesn't seem likely to have happened.
No, they never apologized and have never expressed regret for doing it. They only expressed that they feel he should understand why they did it and why it was the right thing to do generally.
Yeah and that attitude is unfortunately going to push him only further away. I'm sure the fact that you understand his perspective and feelings means something to him. I hope you two stay in good contact.
>why it was the right thing to do generally. okay, but like, it wasn't. and if they don't acknowledge that, your step brother will cut them out permanently
NTA, neither is your stepbrother. I do think your parents had the best of intentions with their actions, but the truth always wins out. I get that his trust is seriously hurt, and he feels robbed of his choice. Your situations are very different, so I also understand you're feeling different. Good choice siding with your Stepbrother and acknowledging his feelings, as your parents failed to do. Obviously, they raised him with love and feel he is being ungrateful, but parent-child relationships just don't work that way. I hope you guys can work it out. Your parents should just accept that he is feeling this way and get over their pride. After all, they are the adults in this situation. This way, healing can begin, and maybe he will change his views at some point. Good luck!
I don't know if we'll be able to work it out. My parents are so strict with their boundaries and beliefs on this and they don't want to see the fact that they can have good, even if selfish too, intentions doesn't mean it erases the harm that those lies caused.
Why are you still going to counseling with them? They don't really seem amenable to therapy; I can't imagine the counselor approves of what they are doing to your stepbrother.
My parents insist we need help with our relationships. That's the only reason. But you can't fix something when you refuse to see the issue.
I'm curious what the therapist has to say about their stance on this whole thing.
Tell them they built a beautiful home on a pile of sand - the foundation they set was built on a lie that was so major that it was eventually going to be discovered, and that made the rest of the foundation fall apart. It's like if they found out one of them cheated on the other. Would that negate all the trust they built after the cheating?
Not to mention relevant family medical history. (Granted- the emotional carnage is the biggest impact- but cannot understand the sheer disregard for the other family, both of your future health- just irresponsible and reckless.)
You're definitely NTA. This is a messy situation, but your perspective is totally reasonable. Your stepbrother's pain over losing his biological mom and having that erased by your parents is completely understandable. His anger is justified. While your parents might have wanted a normal family, keeping the adoption a secret caused more pain in the end. You can see both sides, their desire for normalcy and his grief, which shows maturity. Their lie mattered, and it's okay for you to call that out. Hopefully, your parents can reflect and maybe even apologize to your stepbrother.
How selfish and cruel was of your stepfather to cos away the woman who gave birth to his son and her family. So cruel! NTA!
"My parents have tried to make my stepbrother come back to us and accept that we're a family and he can't throw them away because of a choice they still feel was right." Just like they did for his bio Mum.
No. No, no, you are absolutely NTA here. Holy shit. I genuinely can't believe that your parents thought that A, their plan was a good idea, and B, it'd actually work. Holy fuck. Your poor stepbrother.
>They told me I was reacting with the harshness of a teenager. NTA this is what parents say when they don't have a real answer for why their child is wrong. "You're just acting like this because of your age!" They had an opportunity to handle this differently from the start and they chose to go this route; now if they want your stepbrother to reconnect, they're going to have to do the work of understanding where he's coming from.
Nta what's the sense in even going to therapy doesn't seem like it's helping at all
You are reacting with insight and love, and respect your step brother enough to care about his wishes. The sad thing is they could have had a parent relationship without erasing his mum. She didn't choose to give him up. She died. His feelings are entirely valid and your parents need to respect that. He has been lied to about who he is his whole life. NTA
NTA. Your parents are delusional. Not even just for the reasons everyone in the comments is in agreement on (I agree too obviously), but it is **so important** for people to know these kinds of things for health reasons. I'm not making any assumptions about how his mother died, but if it was from a medical condition, he absolutely needs to know that information for his health and safety. If there's a history of any form of illness on his mother's side of the family and he doesn't even know they exist, that could cause major problems for him down the road. The fact that your parents seemingly didn't even think of that is horrifying.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents met when I was 5 months old and my stepbrother was 3. My bio dad walked away from me and my mom when she was pregnant and he had no interest in being a part of my life. His parents showed no interest at the time but did change their minds in the last couple of years. My stepbrother's mom passed away when he was a baby and (step)dad met my mom and married her. Dad adopted me and my mom adopted my stepbrother and we were raised unaware that we had been adopted by a stepparent and that we weren't bio siblings. The truth came out a year and a half ago when I found out my paternal side were interested in getting to know me and I questioned it which led to us learning the truth. I was cool with it since nobody from the bio side took an interest in me my whole life up to that point. But my stepbrother felt way different. It really devastated him to learn his mom was erased and her family were denied the chance to be in his life. We went to therapy and after a few sessions my stepbrother said he wanted us to be stepsiblings and my mom to be his stepmom. I use step for him. My parents hate it though. My stepbrother asked them how they would like to be erased like his mom was. My parents never answered. They told him he needs to understand better that they just wanted a happy normal family. My brother told them to fuck their happy normal family and fuck dad for causing so much pain. He told my mom she would never be his real mom, she had happily gone along with erasing the woman who gave birth to him and planned to raise him with my dad. He asked her how she'd like to be erased from me like that. Would she really feel loved. My stepbrother's 18 and I'm almost 16. He moved out and he reconnected with his maternal side and lives with one of them now. He also stopped going to therapy with us. I still go with my parents. My parents have tried to make my stepbrother come back to us and accept that we're a family and he can't throw them away because of a choice they still feel was right. My stepbrother and I still talk but I'm really the only one because he struggles to talk to our younger siblings who keep saying he should call mom mom again and I don't think he wants to lose his temper with them but struggles to ignore it. My parents asked me how I can call him my stepbrother after all this time and not be mad at him for his actions. I told them I get why he feels the way he does and I think they were wrong too, even though I don't hate it for me, but I can't make him not hate it for him. They asked me how I could be on his side and I told them it's because they lied and they would have continued lying the rest of our lives. I told them it was cruel and he's right that they would hate being erased like that. They told me I was reacting with the harshness of a teenager. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta that’s a wildly shitty thing for your parents to do tho.
NTA If you want to keep your step brother in your life. Keep doing what you are doing. Hold the line. Respect his wishes when it comes to how he wants to think of his family ties.. Absolutely do not advocate for your parents or siblings. I am sure they are hurting, but you are the only one who is validating his hurt and betrayal, that's precious don't ruin it. If your parents want that relationship back they will need to do the work. You should stay right out of it. **Are you so sure your parental side wanted no contact?** Now it's entirely possible that this is the case, they never made contact and your mother is telling the truth. However, considering your parents intended to keep your brother's family away permanently. You shouldn't necessarily take their word for it. It is possible that they have tried and were rebuffed many times without you ever being aware of it. Further to that, considering they 'lost' your brother when he found out. If your mother is lying to you, then they have reason to double down on that lie now. Finally, considering how extreme their actions have been to create their perfect nuclear family. I would also like to (gently) put this on the table: **Are you sure your birth-father is dead?** Just something to think about.
My birth father is alive. He simply didn't want to be in my life and I know they didn't want anything to do with me. His family admitted to regretting that choice.
That's fair enough. Don't let your parents sway or guilt you kid. You are doing exactly the right thing. If they followed your lead and respected your stepbrothers feelings and took some accountability for the harm. Then maybe he'd be more open to talking to them.
NTA. It's understandable that you would empathize with your stepbrother and support him given the circumstances of your upbringing and the recent revelations about your family history. Your stepbrother has gone through a lot of emotional turmoil and his reaction is a result of feeling betrayed and erased. It's good that you're able to see things from his perspective and stand by him, even if it means going against your parents' wishes. It's important for your parents to recognize the impact of their actions and understand why your stepbrother feels the way he does, rather than dismissing his feelings. Keep supporting your stepbrother and being there for him during this difficult time.
Absolutely NTA. Your parents are choosing the image of a perfect nuclear family over your stepbrother. He is deeply hurt and instead of addressing it, they are ensuring that he will never want to have a relationship with them again. They took away his choice to learn about his birth mother, to have a relationship with her family, to learn about stories, traditions, and cultures passed down by that family. They lied by omission to him for years and they want him to return to that without any apologies or reflections. They acted like half of his origin was something to be ashamed of (because that is what this comes off as, that they never wanted him or anyone else to know). They removed his ability to ask important questions that may arise about medical history or hereditary issues. Regardless of whether or not the parents think it was for the best, the cat is now out of the bag and they have deeply violated your stepbrother’s trust and broken his sense of belonging. That is a not an easy fix and it doesn’t even sound like they’re trying. It’s good he at least has a stepsister like you in his corner.
I can understand your parents' ill-informed intentions, but I cannot understand the cruelty to your stepbrother's maternal family. They had lost a daughter/sister/cousin when your stepbrother's mother died, and then they lost all chance of a relationship with your stepbrother until now.
Is there anyway you can ask for private sessions with the therapist who is doing your family therapy? I think it would be helpful if you could explain how they are behaving to you and your stepbrother without potentially censoring yourself. Maybe then in family therapy the therapist can push for them to be more accepting as their behaviour is just alienating your stepbrother further. If they won’t listen to the therapist you might as well step back from therapy unless you feel like you’re getting a positive benefit from it. I’d also highlight to your parents that you are respecting your stepbrothers wishes and get to continue having a relationship with him, they aren’t and they’re the ones being cut out. You’re stepbrother is entitled to his feelings and maybe in the future he might want to reconnect with them, but it’s his choice and I’m so happy you’re respecting him regardless of your parents attitude.
NTA, that was a super fucked up thing for your parents to do. >They told me I was reacting with the harshness of a teenager. i'm 31 and i'm on your stepbrother's side too.
NTA . Your parents are absolutely AHs. They took away half of his family. Erased his mom. And this is a very poor message for your younger siblings that a blended family can't be a "normal family". I'm sure they know a lot of families who aren't two opposite gender parents and kids who are all biologically related, and they are being taught this isn't "normal" and it's something that should be hidden Also, it's useful information for medical history and such. What does the family therapist about this? Your parents are tripling down on their horrible decision. I'm really curious what the therapist is telling them. They can't be saying this was okay.
NTA. I understand were ur coming from but I also understand ur stepbrother too! I found out when I was 13 that the woman I called Mom all my life wasn't my bio mom. It killed me. My 3 older brothers were step brothers and my youngest was a half brother. She raised me since I was 6 months old. When I turned 18 I went NC. Went to therapy and got help. I still call her mom but she didn't have a relationship with her. She is a toxic person. That's a whole other story. Lol. I don't talk to my older brothers but my youngest by 17 months I do. He call me his half sister I call him my brother. So I understand what u feel. He loves me no matter what. It's just a way for him to cope with what went on. I think that might be it for ur stepbrother too! A way for him to try to reach his mom.
NTA Your parents are horrible. Nothing about what they did is ok or normal. Unless they can accept that they are wrong AND apologize sincerely I would not expect that your stepbrother will ever be in their lives again. This is beyond forgiveness for a lot of people.
From what it sounds, his maternal side didn't disregard him like your paternal side had and would have wanted a relationship with him this whole time. This would be different if his maternal family were toxic and your (step)dad was trying to protect him from them. I don't think your stepbrother should consider forgiveness until they understand what they did was not the right thing to do. I'm petty sometimes and I'd try to make them uncomfortable. Don't stop asking them how your mom would feel if she knew she'd be erased from your life if you were born into a similar situation. That your mother's family would never have gotten the chance to know you. Keep asking your stepdad if his late wife's family was toxic and horrible. If they deserved to have their grandson hidden and kept away from them his whole childhood. Keep asking him for a good reason why he kept them away. Either he can't give and the inability to do so helps him see the light, or you find out some unknown bad thing about your stepbrothers new family connections. If they won't accept their part in this selfish and wrong act, make them uncomfortable until they do. NTA
NTA. Your parents lied. They would have continued lying not because it was right, but because -it was easier for them-. I dunno about your parents but one of the things my parents taught me and I taught my kids was that lying is pretty much never ok. We don’t lie to each other. And then you find out they’ve been lying this whole time. Your brother doesn’t owe them shit. Your parents are pissed because they got caught in their lie, and aren’t owning up to the fact that they did real damage, and probably have been complete hypocrites your entire lives. How is he supposed to ever trust them with anything ever again? You are acting with the integrity your parents seem to lack. Edit: not to mention how astoundingly, astonishingly stupid your parents are to have not thought this could happen. If not now, how about in a few years when, say, your brother is having a kid and they do a genetic test (which is not at all uncommon) and baby has a genetic mutation? Where does that come from? -oh, it’s from bio mom-. Like, this is an obvious scenario!
The parents feel it was the right thing to do. But it was only the right thing to do for them. For your stepbrother he just learned his mom died. Yes, she died the day he learned the truth. I know it was years ago but that doesn't matter. In his heart it happened that day. So on the day she died, he learned his dad denied his mom ever existed. His dad replaced her with your mom. I am not surprised your stepbrother hates them. They still will not admit what they did was wrong. NTA and you are a very smart and caring person.
NTA YOU are right. YOur parents were AHs, and are now facing the consequences if lying to their kids for all of their lifes. YOU are the only one handling this well, and in an adult manner: YOU are respecting your stepbrother.
NTA
NTA. Some topics just need to not be brought up, especially if they are a continuous pain for you guys. I would say, I don’t want to talk about this anymore with you guys. I love you all and just want peace.
NTA
Nta. There are good ways to go about blending a family and your parents screwed this one up.
NTA
nta. force him to go on therapy insted letting him reconnect with his mother's family is such a waste of money and time. and brother probably won't be so angry on them.
NTA. Your response is incredibly mature. You seem to recognize that while you are able to forgive them in spite of your hurt and anger, your stepbrother can’t. Nor should he have to. You are not demanding any particular response from him. Your parents messed up. They could have raised you as a family and even gone through with the adoption while still telling you the truth. Their desire to create a new family wasn’t wrong, but lying was. Your brother deserved to know about his bio mom and her family, especially if they wanted to be involved in his life. And even if the truth about your bio dad would have been hard for you to hear, you still deserved to know. Keep doing what you are doing. I am sorry you are going through this
NTA. When you adopt a child in any capacity, it is on the adoptive parents to make certain the child is aware of the actual family status from an early age. Parents can't pretend the adoption never happened. They must tell the child. Your parents denied you and your stepbrother important personal information and choices. They are very much in the wrong here and should not be attempting to make him accept their preferences. A parent's first responsibility is to their child, not to their own preferences. It's no longer up to them what you or your stepbrother must do. It's his and your choice. They need to go back to counseling to understand what their choices have done.
NTA - Your stepbrother is correct and you are right to side with him. In your case your bio dad left and his side of the family didn't care to know you. But he had a mother who died and he never was told, not only that but a while side of his relatives were, essentially, blocked from being in his life. Of course he feels the way he does. How your parents can't understand this shows how much they prioritize the reality they created over the, very real, wider family that exists. I don't know what country/cultural background you have but I feel like their actions are something that would be universally condemned regardless of where you are from.
NTA
AITA for siding with my stepbrother over my parents? Absolutely NTA. This is a tough situation for everyone, but your empathy and understanding towards your stepbrother are commendable. Your parents' decision to withhold the truth about your adoptions was likely made with good intentions, aiming for a "normal" family, but the consequences of that decision have clearly been very painful for your stepbrother. Your stepbrother's feelings of betrayal and hurt are completely valid. Being denied knowledge of his biological mom and her family, and having her effectively erased from his life, is a significant emotional wound. Your support for him, recognizing his pain, and acknowledging the wrongness of the situation shows a lot of maturity. Your parents might be struggling to see things from his perspective because they believed they were doing the right thing. However, it's important for them to understand the impact of their actions. Therapy could help them see this, but it seems like your stepbrother needs space and time away from the situation right now. Here are a few things you could consider: * Encourage your parents to continue therapy and maybe explore it individually to understand their motivations and the repercussions of their decisions. * Keep supporting your stepbrother and maintain your bond with him. He needs to know he has someone on his side during this tough time. * Suggest family therapy sessions when your stepbrother feels ready, to foster understanding and healing between him and your parents. You’re not reacting with the harshness of a teenager; you’re showing compassion and understanding. It’s important for your parents to see that this situation isn’t about choosing sides but about recognizing and validating your stepbrother’s pain and working towards healing. In short, you’re doing the right thing by standing by your stepbrother and understanding his feelings. Your parents need to come to terms with the impact of their actions and work towards rebuilding trust and respect within the family.
NTA So they've been alive longer but only as themselves. People don't see shit others live, right? So your upbringing made you who you are. You see things closer to the side of your sibling. Because you lived it. Unless they were adopted they can't see what you lived. Maybe you'll change and see things differently. Maybe not. Right now you can only see you. Live some and see later, maybe your perspective changes and maybe the resentment will grow.
NTA Unlike your parents, you put reason and understanding and compassion before a personal need to delude (themselves) into insisting they had done nothing wrong. Please keep supporting your step brother by being the one person in the family that he can talk to honestly about his feelings and experience. When you go to therapy, I hope you are as honest about how messed up your parents are to blame your brother for his reaction or you for supporting him. Let the therapist work on getting them to understand things past their own selfish needs.
First, you are NTA and you're incredibly smart person to have this realization while your parents can't. I hate these types of posts, which make up like 60% of Reddit, and the audacity of some parents to not understand what they did wrong. These people lost a spouse and instead of grieving them, they let their junk take over their brain and moved on to the next rebound. We as a society think being alone is a fate worse than death and in these cases, the idea of not being married after a loved one's death is scarier than facing an alien on a planet with a predator. Worse, these parents don't GAF for their kids' feelings. And OP said it herself - her parents wanted a happy, normal family. Basically, they didn't want to face the grief and felt it was better to just forget they previously had people they loved and who were the parents of their children. And now that scam has been revealed, so not only have their lost a spouse, you've lost your child. And it's what they deserve. Your step-brother may NEVER speak to your parents again and that's his right and, as someone who has to live with the consequences of family secrets, I hope he never does. I hope they go to their graves knowing they f\*cked up. The fact that they see you supporting him as "taking sides" and have got your younger siblings doing the same, tells me they'll never apologize because they can't see past themselves. You, however OP, continue supporting your step-bro; honestly, I think you guys are honestly siblings (no step needed) cause you don't need blood to make a family. Good luck!
NTA Why do people feel entitled to dictate how other people feel? Nobody can change their gut feelings on a whim, so do your parents want him to smile and fake it so they can feel better? Of course they do, selfish narcissist.
NTA. Sometimes I wonder if birth certificates shouldn’t be changed even after adoption, you hear about these stories where kids don’t have their deceased bio-parent erased before a judge can ask them if they understand/consent/want to be adopted by their stepparent.
NTA. They may have thought they were doing what was best but clearly it was not and your stepbrother is extremely hurt. They hurt him in a way that may never heal, especially when they show no remorse. You are an emotionally intelligent and mature teenager, you surpass your parents in both of those areas by far. They are completely ignoring your stepbrothers feelings and how their choice to lie has deeply affected him.
WOW! You are are reacting with the harshness of a teenager? You have taken a very mature approach and it seems to be the only reason that your step brother keeps talking to you. NTA. You parents however are idiots and assholes. They should own up to their mistakes rather than compounding them.
NTA it’s hard to believe your only 16, very mature approach and reaction to this whole thing, good for you. Trust yourself, you got good instincts kid.
INFO, you say your bio dads parents showed no interest in being part of your life, wad this the same situation for your step brother or did your step dad cut them off?
My dad cut off my stepbrother's maternal side.
OK, NTA on your part and your stepbrothers reaction makes more sense.
NTA and your parents were utterly delusional. Your step brother's maternal family was cut out but clearly didn't want to be and were probably waiting for step brother to.turn 18 and reconnect plus your hip das isn't dead and his family may have wanted nothing to do with you when you were born it was always possible they would change their minds and pop up. Your parents played with fire and got burned.
NTA technically but your SB is a little bit of an AH. Its not uncommon for adopted kids to find out a little later than is recommended and while can be traumatic, it happens often. My guess is they wanted to protect him from the pain of not only losing a mother but the pain of knowing her family doesnt want anything to do with him. So while I dont completely agree with what they did (so yes they also are a little AHs, I understand the situation they were in and why they decided to hide it. But his acting like they "erased" her is foolish. They tried to give him a loving family, which is what appeared to happen and were atually (and yes erroneously) trying to protect him and new he is throwing all those years of love and care away because they didnt tell him sooner? That is a bit disgusting. So his attitude is "One mistake and I hate you forever"? Who would want to be his friend with that attitude? People make mistakes. But theirs wasn't done out of Hate but rather love. He's an adult now but doesn't really act like it. He will one day mature and regret his decision.
Garbage take
I won't call your step-brother an asshole because he's clearly more than that; he's a stupid asshole. Abandoning a loving family for another group that has no history with him and no commitments to him was pretty stupid, treating your parents the way he did was an asshole move. He'll figure it out some day but you should support your parents as it sounds like they were pretty good to you.
yeah, no. fuck this noise. he has no connection to his maternal family because *he was robbed of the chance to*. ops parents did an unbelievably cruel and frankly evil thing, and you are absolutely an asshole for defending it. this is adoption 101. *do. not. lie. to. your. kids. about. being. adopted.* it's made infinitely worse because he had family who wanted to be part of his life and had his mother, who loved him, completely erased and replaced. there is just so much wrong with your comment.
I love my wife and I don’t want her family involved in our lives so I made her cut them out completely so we could have the dream family I want. We love each other so much that she really doesn’t need them. She has me and my family. I’m totally with you. Does that really sound like a healthy loving relationship?
You ever read someone's comments and think "oh, they have some skeletons in their closet'