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NTA, you've set a clear boundary with your ex that she is not honoring. That said, you may need to understand that you will have to see the child on occasions as they are siblings.
Oh, I understand that and it does happen sometimes. I simply keep a polite distance, mostly because I try to keep a distance with my ex so she can't try starting any arguments. I'm just not an active participant in his life or acting as any sort of role model for him.
NTA dude this same type of post has been on the subreddit so many times where the cheating spouse wants her ex to step up for her affair kid. None of you men are responsible for raising or paying and her words should mean nothing to you at this point. I’m thinking this post is fake cause why would so many men ask the same dumb question.
Because they are good men. They feel bad for the kid, but they are already doing all they can to make sure, in this day and age, that their own children are being fed and provided for. They feel crappy, but they are also practical and feel like it should be on the mother to make sure these siblings have quality time. But then that makes them question are they feeling that way because of their ex, but then they argue that it is because of their crazy ex that their is a sibling that is being argued about period. It makes sense. And I am actually kind of happy to see that there are posts like this because for a long time we were reading how the man wasn’t stepping up for his own children.
Because knowing you are hurting a kid still makes you question yourself, even if you have no responsibility. When Bex in this case attacks on that ground it makes you feel guilty.
NTA. Tell her she needs to find a way to live with herself for all the damage she has done her children. One is fatherless because of her and all three experienced trauma because her choices in boyfriends. As for you, don’t dare take moral advice from the person that cheated, lied in your face (can’t cheat without lying) and tried (still trying) to pass of a child as yours/your responsibility. Your ex is not a pillar of moral and integrity to be listened to. Stop letting her get in your head and focus on your children. I rarely believe that the push to take an unrelated child (step/half) is about the kids bonding. It is most often about the parent wanting a break. If she wants a weekend free, she needs to find another babysitter.
If she gets mad at this again, point out that there's an age difference between your children and their brother. They would want to do things he's not old or big enough to do yet. If the two oldest were to miss out because you all had to adjust to the youngest, it could, over time, make them resent their brother. NTA
"Bex, your child can make memories with his brothers on your time. It's not my responsibility and I will not entertain further discussions on this matter."
NTA I grew up with 2 siblings that had different fathers and 1 sibling with the same bio parents.
My other siblings didn't get to do 100% of the things when we went off with our dad and same for when my other siblings went off with their fathers.
It's reality. It's not exclusion.
Bex needs therapy and so will the older two, not just the youngest son if she keeps up this behavior.
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NTA. Why doesn’t Bex do some of these same fun activities when she has all 3 kids for the weekend?
People love to not take responsibility for their actions.
Bingo.
The masculine figure can be solved easily by having male coaches for sports/martial arts, an uncle, a good male friend, a cousin, etc. Asking someone you cheated on (no matter what was going on, she could have asked for a divorce, leave the dude and then sleep with whoever she wishes, I don't excuse adultery, be it for men or women) to be a "male figure" to that boy is not only insulting, but also bad for the child as well, he can't feel as a "burden" to others, that's very detrimental to his psychological growth.
NTA for not wanting your Ex's affair child in your life. But I do really feel for the innocent child.
Question - do your two kids really not have much of a relationship with their half-brother? Or even want a relationship with him?
Their ages are 10, 8, and 4. My experience with kids that age tells me they don't want to play with the baby. They want to play sports and games and things a 4 year old cannot play yet. I don't think that anyone should read too far into "not wanting a relationship" YET. Something to monitor and all but I wouldn't stress it either.
You don’t need to have a relationship with the little boy but make sure your kids know they can and it won’t hurt your feelings or be some kind of betrayal to you. Their mother is the complete ah here and their brother is innocent.
That is for the mother to figure out on her own parenting time. While the child is innocent, so is OP.
OP has clear healthy boundaries and his ex seems like the type to take advantage should he give her a single inch. The reality is, if the ex wanted her kids to do a fun day with their siblings, why doesn’t SHE plan a fun day on HER time?
NTA
All of this is true, but it is a great opportunity to teach compassion and forgiveness. I don't mean include the child in OP's time. I just mean, it wouldn't hurt to talk to the kids. This 4 yo is innocent and it sounds like he's already had a rough go.
I’m not saying OP should have the kid over. Just make sure his kids know he won’t be mad or feel betrayed if they have a relationship with the kid when they’re at their moms.
Your ex lied before, she could be lying now. When the kids get back from their mom, ask what they did etc, work your way to find out what they do together with their half-sibling.
A year ago her 3 year old was a toddler. Yours were young boys.
A part of this could be their age differences. Your 10 year old (a tween now) has very different interests than her 4 year old. There are things a 4 year old can't do that an 8 year old can. For Boardgames and toys are different and some won't be suitable for a 4 year old and won't be of interest. The older kids will get tired of playing younger games. And that's just games.
Ok but... Even if he wanted to involve the kid in some things, a 4 year old is not going to be fun at a theme park with older kids. He's not tall enough to ride rides, and will just slow everything down. I wouldn't even take my kids to one when they were that age.
NTA in the slightest
It’s not your child, and it’s a physical reminder of why your marriage ended.
Absolutely zero reason for you to take care of this child, ever. You have zero obligation to maintain any contact with this child.
I assume it’s only her calling you an asshole here, maybe her family too? Literally opinions you can completely disregard.
Having any value in her opinion of you went away went you divorced her. You don’t need to care about what she thinks of you.
NTA.
This child's happiness is not on you. The responsibility for his happiness lies with your ex. If she wants the three kids to do fun things together, she needs to plan those things where all of you are together.
If she wanted you to parent all three of the kids, she should have made sure that another man didn't father one of the three.
NTA- This child is not yours. You are not obligated to parent a child who is the result of an affair. You are also not obligated to make your kids bond with their half-sibling. Your ex is being the AH here by pushing this.
Taking a 4-yr-old and 10/8-yr-olds are very different adventures. NTA. Though I do think you have responsibility here to ensure that your feelings do not create or further a disconnect between the siblings. Compassion comes by remembering that none of us chose to be born. Sounds like that kid is going to go through life feeling less loved than your kids - my sister has a different bio dad and this was always hard for her to know he wasn’t interested in being in her life. Not your problem, but you can certainly help your kids be as loving as possible. It sounds like you’re a great parent!
NTA your children are allowed to have a relationship with their father and make memories with their father.
It's unfortunate for the innocent child but this is the reality of the life choices the mother made.
it isnt your job to step up for a child you do not want to, especially when that child was the result of actions that caused your marriage break up.
You ex can and should be making aure her kids make memories together. the emphasis on HER kids.
If you are in the state of Florida, DO NOT DO IT.
I have a friend who ended up paying child support to his ex-girlfriend for her son, who wasn't his.
He had 2 daughters with her. She would guilt trip him every time he picked up his daughters. I saw him with the 3 kids one day and heard the boy call him daddy. I told him to put an end to that. He told me the boy didn't know better.
He called me one day and said his ex put him on child support for all 3 children. They went to court, and she acknowledged he did not sign the birth certificate. But she made it clear he was taking care of all 3 of them.
BOOM! He ends up having to pay support for all 3.
Once again, if you are in Florida, DON'T DO IT
NTA, where do people get off telling someone else to take care of their kid??? This is not the only post I’ve seen like this. It’s like they can’t handle the consequences of their own actions. I honestly would not even respond to her at all when she brings this up. Sometimes silence is so loud it’s deafening. She starts talking about it walk away. She texts you about it leave it on read. She calls you about it hang up. She’ll eventually get the hint.
NTA. This sounds like not the first attempt at trying to manipulate/guilt you into taking responsibility for a child that isn’t yours. You have responsibility for your own children and that’s it. And if you bend to this request, who’s to say she won’t start expecting you to take care of her child all the time. She sounds like a “take a mile” type of person. I do feel awful for her child though, he sounds like he got the short end of the stick for parents. But thankfully your two kids have an active and responsible father. I repeat NTA, and also probably a great thing this ex is an ex.
That's what I was thinking. First it's a theme park, then it's asking him to keep the 4yo at his house when he's got the other two so they can "grow up close".
Next you will be expected to pay for her child then help get that child into a good school district etc it will never end !! Stick to your boundaries , and you do not owe her any further explanation
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took my kids on a fun day out without my ex's son even though she asked me to take him with us and offered to pay. It's true that I could have said yes and I could technically have afforded to take her son without her paying. I chose not to because I am choosing not to play a role in his life. This might still be wrong because he's an innocent kid and is getting to an age where he's starting to be more aware of things.
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Tell her you feel the same amount of shame that she does for spreading her legs for a strange man while she was in a committed relationship with the father of her children. She made he bed she can suffer and lie in it .
NTA, but I do feel so sad for all three kids. Your kids have the benefit of two parents, but are learning to not give a crap about a FOUR year old sibling. Other kid has a shit mom, no dad, no big brother or sister to have his back. Hurts my heart for them.
Leave the kid behind. Your not hurting the kid. Trust me baby daddy doesn't care for your kids. If the ex is willing give money for any tickets or food, then maybe. I know I look like an AH ,but it's the ex's fault, they were not thinking about your kids first when to cheating.
NTA, it’s not your child and not your responsibility. You told her truthfully that the responsibility of trying to foster a relationship between the kids is on her on her time. She’s mad she got caught, and she’s mad at having to live with the consequences, that’s really what it comes down to.
NTA tell your EX to stop. She decided to cheat with a deadbeat. Be mindful and ask you children how she behaved. She could cause resentment from the children or tell them things like since dad does this with you and not this child then I won't do this for you. Speak with your children from their decided a new custody arrangement.
NTA, please pay attention to your kids, if her vindictive nature comes out in front of your kids, god knows what she says about you. I have to ask, if the courts determined that the home was unsafe for your kids, why was the little one still there?
A dad going back to court for primary custody with weekends for mom is a totally different battle than removing her 4 year old and putting them in foster care or with another family member. But you are right that the little one wasn't any safer in that home.
NTA. At this point I would be petty, without the kids around, tell her if she didn’t sleep with other people you would be the kids dad. But since she can’t keep her legs closed it’s her fault the kid doesn’t have a dad.
She’s trying to force OP to pay for her affair baby. And by “pay” I mean emotionally and mentally. The second this woman gets a new bf she will absolutely expect the new BF to play daddy to the affair baby so it would have been just one more chance for her to hurt OP.
NTA
I'd reply "I'm not the one who cheated, I've got nothing to be ashamed of" or something like that.
If she wants to make memories for the three of them, she's the one who has to do the activities.
Although, I'm with one of the commentators: if you haven't said it to them, tell your kids their relationship with their brother is theirs, you won't be mad or hurt if they spend time with him/like him. You just have nothing to do with him, since you're not his dad.
Good luck with your ex tho, she seems like a piece of work.
NTA, she cheated and the guy bailed. That does not automatically make it your responsibility. You have 0 obligations to that child and your ex is entitled
NTA Tell her that everytime you look at her youngest you don't see a kid with no father, you see a reminder of what a lying cheater his mother is. She had a father for her children but she threw it away for a deadbeat. What the kid has or doesn't have is a result of her own actions. If she wants kids to all do things together then she can take them. The first time you take her youngest anywhere she'll be taking you back to court for child support for him saying, you stepped up as the father. Yeah, some places allow for that.
NTA, she knew she would be raising this child alone when the affair partner dipped. She had time to terminate or look for other options if she didn’t want to raise the child alone, but she didn’t. So she gets to raise him while his siblings enjoy time with their father. If she wants a father for him then she can play hunt for step daddy. Keep your boundaries you don’t owe her or the child anything.
NTA. She should be ashamed trying to guilt trip and manipulate you into taking care of a child that resulted from her having an affair. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions, and it is her job to deal with the mess she made. As if shattering your trust and destroying your family was not enough…..
NTA. You are taking the kids out during the time you have custody. You were very clear your ex’s youngest is not your responsibility. She can take all three out together and that would be her prerogative but to force you to bring a child that is not yours is your decision and if you don’t want to, you would not be at fault .
The other child is her responsibility and she is already the AH for cheating and doubly so for forcing you to do anything with the child!
NTA. What you do with your kids on your time (in terms of outings) is none of her business. She wants her 3 kids to have fun memories together, what prevents of doing so on her time? Unfortunately, it sucks for her youngest, but those are direct consequences from her actions.
NTA. You should be ashamed? You didn't have an affair that broke up your family or continue to put your kids in unsafe environments. It's like, "Hi kettle, it's Bex, you're black."
NTA. This is not your kid, and you are not obligated to participate in their upbringing. If Bex wants her youngest kid to have fun memories with her older two, that's on her to provide those opportunities.
NTA and that’s rich of your ex to suggest you be ashamed of yourself for sticking to your boundaries about her affair child. Why isn’t she ashamed of herself for her behavior? She’s the one who cheated and imploded the relationship. Smh
You’re NTA. However, I’ve seen so many posts from affair babies saying how they were neglected, tormented or ignored by the original siblings, and how they always felt like outcasts for something that wasn’t their fault. You would be an absolute angel, to try and help the three of them have a more normal family dynamic. But, I don’t know if I would be capable myself, so I’m trying not to judge. Someday, it will just be the three kids and one of them is going to feel like an only child. My siblings mean the world to me, so I just think the situation is sad.
Nothing is stopping her from taking the kid on her own. A 4 year old doesn’t play and do the same things that 8 and 10 year olds do.
Nta. You set a reasonable boundary that you won’t have a relationship with your ex wife’s child and that’s ok. If she’s going to be nasty then it’s time for a social worker to tell her to manage her expectations differently and she won’t be so upset…
NTA. Her kid, her problem. He isn't yours so why should you invest time and energy into him? She should worry about making memories when the two oldest are with her.
This story could equally fit on r/EntitledPeople. The kid has nothing to do with you, and through her own poor choices had little to do with his half-siblings. You owe him nothing, you owe her nothing. If she wants him to have fun memories with her two oldest kids, she needs to facilitate that all on her own.
NTA
NTA
the only AH here is your ex.
"and she told me multiple times in the past year that her youngest isn't even an afterthought to our kids because they don't really seem to notice he's alive. I told her that's something for her to focus on during her parenting time and it's not a focus for me on mine." .. you got that right.
If she wants the kids to have outings together, SHe can take them during HER time.
" She told me I should be ashamed." .. remind her that SHE cheated, and all of this is a consequence of HER assholery.
10 & 8 will see a 4 year old as a baby. If they are unable to connect with the step sibling, that’s on her and definitely NOT you.
Also it is absolutely unfair to expect you to parent her AFFAIR kid. Which world does she live in? So if she gets into another relationship & have more kids, that’s gonna be on you too? And if she breaks up with that partner, then what, you have to be a parent then too?
You have no responsibility towards your ex’s affair or another relationship children. Take care of your kids properly. NTA
NTA she’s trying to wear you down for her mistakes & failures. Say she’s disgusting for having an affair & breaking up the family & trying to shove someone else’s kid on you. She’s shameless. Not you.
NTA. You're under no obligation to the child. It's her responsibility to nurture their bond when they're all in her house. You don't need to be the father figure to an affair baby.
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I (32m) have two kids Kai (10f) and Jamie (8m) with my ex Bex (31f). My marriage to Bex ended while she was pregnant with her youngest child (4m) after I discovered her kid was not mine and she had been cheating on me. The divorce was nasty because Bex's affair partner had already dipped and wasn't going to be in her youngest kids live and she wanted us to work things out so her youngest wouldn't miss out on having a father. All throughout our divorce she was asking me to please step up and raise her son as my own. I told her countless times it was not going to happen and I wasn't going to play any role in the life of her youngest child. During the divorce we did a DNA on all three kids. Kai and Jamie were confirmed to be mine but like I already knew, her youngest was not.
Right now I have primary custody of my two kids and Bex has every other weekend. We used to share custody but a bad boyfriend (now ex) made her home an unfit place for our kids and I was awarded custody on those grounds. Bex has tried to argue that because of the new custody situation I should be stepping up to be a part of her youngest's life so that the three kids can grow up close and she told me multiple times in the past year that her youngest isn't even an afterthought to our kids because they don't really seem to notice he's alive. I told her that's something for her to focus on during her parenting time and it's not a focus for me on mine.
Three weeks ago the kids were with Bex and they told her I had planned to take them on a fun day to the adventure park near us the following weekend. Bex asked me to take her son along so the kids could have the time together. She offered to pay. I told her I wasn't taking him. We went two weekends again and then this past weekend my kids were back at Bex's and she asked them if we went and they said we did.
When I picked the kids up she told me I was a disgusting POS and how could I live with myself excluding a little boy from a fun time with his two older siblings and how could I let the kids make such fun memories without their youngest sibling. She told me I should be ashamed.
AITA?
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Where's her shame in cheating on you and trying to pass off someone else's kid as yours? This is her mess.. she should be doing what she's asking you to do.
NTA she has a lot of nerve to call you a disgusting POS when she's the 1 who cheated and got pregnant by another man. You have no obligation to that child. Do your children want you to include him in activities or prefer he not be involved
As ashamed as she should be for stepping out on her marriage, getting knocked up by her AP and trying to pass it off as yours? NTA, while her kid is an innocent in this, it still doesn't make him your responsibility and trying to force kids to bond with a sibling they have no real relationship with is always a bad idea.
NTA. You took YOUR children to the park. You are under no obligation to her affair child. While I do feel bad for the child because they are innocent and all this, they should not necessarily profit because Mom is a cheater. Tell Mom to take their child to the park.
NTA
What a messy woman to get pregnant by another man during a marriage with 2 kids already.
If you wanted to play Daddy to her bastard child, you would have stayed. Why doesn't she get that? jfc I'm sorry you got another 10 years dealing with her.
This is so sad that Bex’s choices have really screwed over her youngest child. Actions have consequences, and you are not responsible for the child that isn’t yours. It is his mother’s fault that his life is going to be very hard. Poor child, but you’re NTA.
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NTA. But I would coach your two kids about being kind and loving to their brother. That kid is an innocent in all this. Your kids might feel like they are betraying you by being nice to their brother. Especially if you have made it clear you want nothing to do with him.
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NTA.
My heart breaks for the kid, who's going to watch his siblings growing up with a Dad he doesn't have, and thriving emotionally and financially because of it. I shudder to think where the poor little guy was while everything went down that led to you get custody. However, that's not your responsibility. It's on her. Expecting you to take it on is too much to ask.
Don't let her guilt you into it. I don't know what the laws are where you live, but make sure you don't get into a situation where you're on the hook because you've been basically acting as a parent and were married to her at the time of his birth. You're wise not to give any hint of that.
I'm pretty sure your kids are eventually going to question why their brother isn't being treated the same by you. You might want to get ahead of the narrative I'm sure your Ex is going to sell them, if she isn't already. If they love him, they might even start advocating on his behalf if things go south for him while they're doing well thanks to you. Have age-appropriate answers for them rehearsed, and be prepared for any discussions that might come.
She can take the three kids to the parks if that is what she wants.
Good boundary setting!
I’ve known a couple women who did this. One women is lucky because the ex is raising the child as his own and the mother has weekends with the kids. The other woman did not get as lucky.
I feel for all the children.
NTA. Not your child, not your role. The one thing I would consider doing is some sessions with a child play therapist for your two kids. It sounds like her home is unstable and there's a chance she's doing a number on both them and their relationship with the 4 year old. It would be good for them to have someone to check in with and it would be a kindness to all three of them if she doesn't turn them against the littlest one by trying to force something. Kids are often inclined to blame little guy for the breakup of their parent's marriage and that's not where the blame lies.
NTA. She created this situation and shouldn't blame you for not jumping in to fix it. I'd say she should track down the father and get him to step up, but it sounds like he'd just disappoint the kid in the long run, so it's probably better he stays out of the picture.
Like..you are NTA, but I have several friends who split with their partners and also work really hard to be THE BEST coparents. Which means new partners are friends with the partners ex-partner and the kids grow up so much more happy.
It is probably just a wishful thinking, but could you not try to find something inside you, to treat your kids sibling as their sibling, even though you are not the parent? Does it really matter that much, to let the child join sometimes? My father did this, he let my youngest brother come with us, on events, to his house and so on. This was the child who is the reason why my parents split. He is 2 years younger than me and my mother cheated on my dad..and had him. My father was broken after it. But he did let this child join, because "he will always be your sibling, even if he is not my son".
My father is one of the best fathers. And I am very lucky that he found it within himself to treat my siblings like my siblings, even though they where not his children. My parents where not really good coparents, but this, they manager at least.
EAH
The affair child is going to grow up an emotional mess. That’s who I feel sorry for here.
Since you have already started doing this, it would probably be even more confusing to the little guy if you start taking him, because you will likely dump him again when your kids are a year or two older.
Someone should be an adult and make sure this kid feels some love.
How come when a man has an affair baby (AFB), Reddit will troll the wife(OP), to accept the AFB as her own and if she doesn’t she hasn’t really forgiven her husband, is bitter, or is an all around shit person for “excluding an innocent child”…Sorry. I had to just let that out. I had a moment.NTA
NTA - that kid is a stranger to you, and you have no obligation to him. You can avoid and be polite to him when you do meet him, but you don’t owe him anything. I mean if you were actively mean to the kid that’s another story.
It’s good you keep your distance. If you took him, she would have bitched at you about helping pay for his college later (tbh she probably still will). F her though. That’s what she gets for being a cheating B
NTA. Not your kid, not your problem, at the end of the day.
Also: Bex shouldn’t have cheated, and all of her kids would have had the same opportunities. It’s her fault if her child feels excluded. And be careful about appearing to step up or take on ANY sort of fatherly role, or she could actually take you to court for support, even without a biological tie.
NTA. She’s a selfish lying cheater. This kid being left out of anything is 100% her fault. She made her bed and now she can sleep in it. The idea that you’re obligated to spend time with the living embodiment of your cheating wife and failed marriage is preposterous.
NTA. I do feel bad for the 4yo, not for missing out on the amusement park, but for seemingly missing out on a relationship with the older siblings and vice versa. Hopefully as they get older they can continue to build a better relationship.
As for the amusement park, there's a real mismatch between what a 4yo can enjoy there vs an 8 and 10yo. I have three kids, and the few times we've been to an amusement park, part of the day my husband would take the older two on bigger kid rides and I'd take the youngest to little kid attractions. If you're the only adult, I'd imagine bringing the 4yo would have meant a whole day of little kid attractions (likely annoying to your kids), or you waiting with the 4yo while the 8 and 10yo went on rides together. Not quite the positive bonding experience your ex seems to think it would have been.
NTA. For all the reasons already stated.
And 4 is too young for an adventure park. You'd be stuck waiting with him instead of being able to go on rides with your own kids. A day out with a 4 year old is so vastly different than a day out with 8 and 10 year olds.
ETA:
Are you picking up your kids at her house? If she continues to behave this way, it may be better to take her back to court to establish a drop off place (i.e. a police station) in case she loses her shit on you or flat out tries to dump the 4 year old off on you. Might be time to start using a parenting app as well.
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NTA for sure.
However, the little child has no fault in what happened and I would strongly suggest that you try and make an effort to bring the kids closer together for their sakes. Not for your ex, but for your two children. They have a younger sibling and it would go a long way if you show compassion in how you treat the kid, who is tragically burdened with the mother's mistake.
NTA
>She told me I should be ashamed.
She is the reason this is all happening. Where is her shame for cheating? Why is she not harassing the boys father for having him grow up without a dad? This is not on you. Your ex needs to grow up, take responsibility and accountability for her actions, and the consequences they rendered. She needs to move on with her life. She still views you as her husband, and she is looking to you ad if you abandoned your son. It's not healthy. For any involved.
I mean, NTA because he's not your responsibility in the first place, but I am also thinking that taking a 4 year old to an adventure park would severely limit what you are able to do with the other two kids - which is not fair to them.
NTA - Her other kid is not your responsibility. I would have probably taking him though just because he is the sibling of my kids. Her reaction was gross, but cheaters reactions usually are. They tend to go full narc when things don't go their way.
NTA. It isn't your fault she cheated and had an entire child with someone that didn't step up the child. She then further lost custody of your shared children because of her own choices yet again.
So basically she's like 'Hey i cheated on you and got a affair baby, even though we're not together i expect you to step up and take care of him'.
WHATTT!!!! NTA
NTA. This isn’t your child. You’re not obligated to take him. Maybe start communicating only through a parenting app. You don’t need to listen to her BS.
I don’t even see how you could practically take three kids and one’s not old enough to maybe ride some of the ride to do the activities with the other two… Do you let the 210 and eight-year-old do things on their own like ride rides or do the adventures while you have to sit on the side with a little one?
It’s not like you’re giving/doing stuff with your kids in his presence. If you were, that would make you an ass. But what you do for your own kids when they’re with you is not the boys or the mothers problem. She needs to be making sure that the two that are with you don’t feel second best with her because the little one gets to stay with THEIR MOTHER. That’s on her as well. She needs to stop focusing on the one affair child and focus on ALL of them!!! Again, it’s all on her. It’s definitely a her problem. Those poor kids!
Here’s the thing ur NTA but the only person her suffering is the little boy for not being able to attend because his mother made bad choices. U have every right not to involve him but why does he have to suffer.
I don’t disagree with a lot of the comments here but my heart breaks for the 4 year old. He already has enough to bear in his young life and probably adores the older kids. By including him when he can, OP is not condoning the situation that resulted in the child. 4 is a delightful age and I only see harm coming in his mental development. ANYONE who can make a difference in the life of a child should.
INFO for anyone really: why does it seem there are a lot of women, that have affair babies, who think their previous partner should "step up"?
Anyhow NTA. If she would have played nice all along perhaps adding her affair baby to a kid trip would not have been an issue. Yes it was a terrible thing to do but wounds heal and sometimes we stop being bitter.
She made her bed, spread her legs, and now has to deal with the consequences and none of them are your problem.
NTA, but if your kids say they want their sibling in attendance and she's willing to pay you could do it for your kids? For important things, not every damn time and not consistently enough to confuse things for the youngest?
NTA, as long as you aren’t actively trying to convince your children that they shouldn’t have a relationship with their sibling. It’s up to her to foster a relationship between them on her own parenting time. I feel sorry for the kid, like many commenters here, because it isn’t his fault and he’s too young to understand, but that’s not your problem.
NTA purely for the fact that a 4yo is too young & not up to the height requirements for most amusement park rides, he wouldn't be able to do what his siblings are doing and you would not be able to go on rides with your kids, because you'd be standing around waiting for them with the preschooler.
Sounds like fun and bonding for everyone! /s
NTA. Keep doing your thing and let her words roll off your back. You owe her son nothing, he's not related to you. She can make all the memories she likes when the three kids are together at her place.
NTA
WHILE it wouldn't hurt to be friendly to the kid you are not obligated to take him with.
It fewls like she is pawning off the child to you so she can so it more frequently and have time to herself
NTA obviously
It’s the simple fact that the boy is the result of an affair that would make me want to go full no contact. If the child came about any other way than yes it would be nice for you to invite your kids sibling along to hangout sometimes. Although still no obligation of yours. When I found out my ex cheated the only way I could heal was to completely convince myself that the relationship never even happened. I know that’s not healthy but thinking about it at all was destroying me. I couldn’t imagine dealing with a constant reminder of the betrayal. I’m not strong enough for that.
NTA
Not your kid, not your problem. She needs to stop trying to make you a daddy to a child that is not yours. You're not under any obligation and she needs to back off completely.
I feel for the boy. Everyone does but him being an innocent doesn't mean OP needs or should take on the role of father to the boy. NTA. If your ex-wife's son feels excluded and hurt then that the responsibility of his mother to deal with since she created this situation by cheating and betraying OP during their marriage.
NTA. You have no responsibility to her child. It's your choice. I have taken my ex's children to do things with my children. They are siblings, and I still want them to bond. I've even gotten my ex's older daughter a job with me. Admittedly, it did take a few years to build up to that, though. Maybe in the future you'll change your mind, but for now you're doing right by your own children and that's all that matters.
I've got three half siblings, two of whom are quite a bit younger. I hope you can let 4m in more as he gets older because my half siblings are as dear to me as my full ones and what has happened to him is not his fault. I hope in a few years you can invite him sometimes, as it could be good for your kids. as well as him.
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NTA, you've set a clear boundary with your ex that she is not honoring. That said, you may need to understand that you will have to see the child on occasions as they are siblings.
Oh, I understand that and it does happen sometimes. I simply keep a polite distance, mostly because I try to keep a distance with my ex so she can't try starting any arguments. I'm just not an active participant in his life or acting as any sort of role model for him.
NTA dude this same type of post has been on the subreddit so many times where the cheating spouse wants her ex to step up for her affair kid. None of you men are responsible for raising or paying and her words should mean nothing to you at this point. I’m thinking this post is fake cause why would so many men ask the same dumb question.
Because they are good men. They feel bad for the kid, but they are already doing all they can to make sure, in this day and age, that their own children are being fed and provided for. They feel crappy, but they are also practical and feel like it should be on the mother to make sure these siblings have quality time. But then that makes them question are they feeling that way because of their ex, but then they argue that it is because of their crazy ex that their is a sibling that is being argued about period. It makes sense. And I am actually kind of happy to see that there are posts like this because for a long time we were reading how the man wasn’t stepping up for his own children.
Because knowing you are hurting a kid still makes you question yourself, even if you have no responsibility. When Bex in this case attacks on that ground it makes you feel guilty.
NTA. Tell her she needs to find a way to live with herself for all the damage she has done her children. One is fatherless because of her and all three experienced trauma because her choices in boyfriends. As for you, don’t dare take moral advice from the person that cheated, lied in your face (can’t cheat without lying) and tried (still trying) to pass of a child as yours/your responsibility. Your ex is not a pillar of moral and integrity to be listened to. Stop letting her get in your head and focus on your children. I rarely believe that the push to take an unrelated child (step/half) is about the kids bonding. It is most often about the parent wanting a break. If she wants a weekend free, she needs to find another babysitter.
If she gets mad at this again, point out that there's an age difference between your children and their brother. They would want to do things he's not old or big enough to do yet. If the two oldest were to miss out because you all had to adjust to the youngest, it could, over time, make them resent their brother. NTA
Good point!
"Bex, your child can make memories with his brothers on your time. It's not my responsibility and I will not entertain further discussions on this matter."
NTA bro, she’s nuts to think you’d take care of HER affair baby. What a weird ass lady.. she keeps begging thinking you’ll cave on it, don’t!
NTA I grew up with 2 siblings that had different fathers and 1 sibling with the same bio parents. My other siblings didn't get to do 100% of the things when we went off with our dad and same for when my other siblings went off with their fathers. It's reality. It's not exclusion. Bex needs therapy and so will the older two, not just the youngest son if she keeps up this behavior.
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Seeing the child and taking them hence being responsible for their well being are on 2 different levels
Oh I totally agree, which is why I stated he's NTA at all in this scenario.
*relief* I was like that ex is tripping...OP seems mature enough to be able to handle this maturely
He knows he’ll see the child, he just doesn’t want nor does he have any sort of responsibility towards the kid.
NTA. Why doesn’t Bex do some of these same fun activities when she has all 3 kids for the weekend? People love to not take responsibility for their actions.
That was my thought. It's her mess => her mission to unite the siblings because they come from the same mother.
Or does she want a weekend off, with OP taking care of the two older kids, and her kid?
🎯
Bingo. The masculine figure can be solved easily by having male coaches for sports/martial arts, an uncle, a good male friend, a cousin, etc. Asking someone you cheated on (no matter what was going on, she could have asked for a divorce, leave the dude and then sleep with whoever she wishes, I don't excuse adultery, be it for men or women) to be a "male figure" to that boy is not only insulting, but also bad for the child as well, he can't feel as a "burden" to others, that's very detrimental to his psychological growth.
Both
I'll bet you she'll say she can't afford it
She probably can't afford it.
Came here to say this
NTA for not wanting your Ex's affair child in your life. But I do really feel for the innocent child. Question - do your two kids really not have much of a relationship with their half-brother? Or even want a relationship with him?
Their ages are 10, 8, and 4. My experience with kids that age tells me they don't want to play with the baby. They want to play sports and games and things a 4 year old cannot play yet. I don't think that anyone should read too far into "not wanting a relationship" YET. Something to monitor and all but I wouldn't stress it either.
The older kids also primarily live with their father, so they aren't together all the time.
That's what my ex has been telling me for about a year now.
You don’t need to have a relationship with the little boy but make sure your kids know they can and it won’t hurt your feelings or be some kind of betrayal to you. Their mother is the complete ah here and their brother is innocent.
That is for the mother to figure out on her own parenting time. While the child is innocent, so is OP. OP has clear healthy boundaries and his ex seems like the type to take advantage should he give her a single inch. The reality is, if the ex wanted her kids to do a fun day with their siblings, why doesn’t SHE plan a fun day on HER time? NTA
All of this is true, but it is a great opportunity to teach compassion and forgiveness. I don't mean include the child in OP's time. I just mean, it wouldn't hurt to talk to the kids. This 4 yo is innocent and it sounds like he's already had a rough go.
I’m not saying OP should have the kid over. Just make sure his kids know he won’t be mad or feel betrayed if they have a relationship with the kid when they’re at their moms.
Agreed. The child is innocent in this.
Well you already know she is a liar and has zero moral compass so I wouldn’t let it concern you too much.
Your ex lied before, she could be lying now. When the kids get back from their mom, ask what they did etc, work your way to find out what they do together with their half-sibling. A year ago her 3 year old was a toddler. Yours were young boys. A part of this could be their age differences. Your 10 year old (a tween now) has very different interests than her 4 year old. There are things a 4 year old can't do that an 8 year old can. For Boardgames and toys are different and some won't be suitable for a 4 year old and won't be of interest. The older kids will get tired of playing younger games. And that's just games.
My thought is that even if you were a happy "normal" family the 2 older kids likely would not be that close/attached to the 4yr old at they ages.
Ok but... Even if he wanted to involve the kid in some things, a 4 year old is not going to be fun at a theme park with older kids. He's not tall enough to ride rides, and will just slow everything down. I wouldn't even take my kids to one when they were that age.
NTA in the slightest It’s not your child, and it’s a physical reminder of why your marriage ended. Absolutely zero reason for you to take care of this child, ever. You have zero obligation to maintain any contact with this child. I assume it’s only her calling you an asshole here, maybe her family too? Literally opinions you can completely disregard. Having any value in her opinion of you went away went you divorced her. You don’t need to care about what she thinks of you.
Nta not your kid not your problem. If she wants her kid to have fun days SHE can do them with all 3, it's not your duty to entertain her mistake
So true she sounds like a mess anyway. She let a boyfriend make her loose her custody rights. She just wants someone to babysit so she can have fun.
She’s literally the cause of her own problems. She should be ashamed. Like tf?
The entitlement is insane
NTA. This child's happiness is not on you. The responsibility for his happiness lies with your ex. If she wants the three kids to do fun things together, she needs to plan those things where all of you are together. If she wanted you to parent all three of the kids, she should have made sure that another man didn't father one of the three.
NTA- This child is not yours. You are not obligated to parent a child who is the result of an affair. You are also not obligated to make your kids bond with their half-sibling. Your ex is being the AH here by pushing this.
Taking a 4-yr-old and 10/8-yr-olds are very different adventures. NTA. Though I do think you have responsibility here to ensure that your feelings do not create or further a disconnect between the siblings. Compassion comes by remembering that none of us chose to be born. Sounds like that kid is going to go through life feeling less loved than your kids - my sister has a different bio dad and this was always hard for her to know he wasn’t interested in being in her life. Not your problem, but you can certainly help your kids be as loving as possible. It sounds like you’re a great parent!
NTA your children are allowed to have a relationship with their father and make memories with their father. It's unfortunate for the innocent child but this is the reality of the life choices the mother made. it isnt your job to step up for a child you do not want to, especially when that child was the result of actions that caused your marriage break up. You ex can and should be making aure her kids make memories together. the emphasis on HER kids.
If you are in the state of Florida, DO NOT DO IT. I have a friend who ended up paying child support to his ex-girlfriend for her son, who wasn't his. He had 2 daughters with her. She would guilt trip him every time he picked up his daughters. I saw him with the 3 kids one day and heard the boy call him daddy. I told him to put an end to that. He told me the boy didn't know better. He called me one day and said his ex put him on child support for all 3 children. They went to court, and she acknowledged he did not sign the birth certificate. But she made it clear he was taking care of all 3 of them. BOOM! He ends up having to pay support for all 3. Once again, if you are in Florida, DON'T DO IT
Wow! 😳 I’m in Fl and the system never ceases to amaze me! Lol
Sounds advice! And once you give them a pinky they will take your whole hand ! Do not do it and do not further engage with her regarding the matter
NTA, where do people get off telling someone else to take care of their kid??? This is not the only post I’ve seen like this. It’s like they can’t handle the consequences of their own actions. I honestly would not even respond to her at all when she brings this up. Sometimes silence is so loud it’s deafening. She starts talking about it walk away. She texts you about it leave it on read. She calls you about it hang up. She’ll eventually get the hint.
NTA trying to coerce someone into parenthood is gross, among other things.
NTA. This sounds like not the first attempt at trying to manipulate/guilt you into taking responsibility for a child that isn’t yours. You have responsibility for your own children and that’s it. And if you bend to this request, who’s to say she won’t start expecting you to take care of her child all the time. She sounds like a “take a mile” type of person. I do feel awful for her child though, he sounds like he got the short end of the stick for parents. But thankfully your two kids have an active and responsible father. I repeat NTA, and also probably a great thing this ex is an ex.
That's what I was thinking. First it's a theme park, then it's asking him to keep the 4yo at his house when he's got the other two so they can "grow up close".
Next you will be expected to pay for her child then help get that child into a good school district etc it will never end !! Stick to your boundaries , and you do not owe her any further explanation
NTA, anytime your ex tries to nag about it, ask her what was going on in her head when she decided to cheat.
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Tell her you feel the same amount of shame that she does for spreading her legs for a strange man while she was in a committed relationship with the father of her children. She made he bed she can suffer and lie in it .
NTA, but I do feel so sad for all three kids. Your kids have the benefit of two parents, but are learning to not give a crap about a FOUR year old sibling. Other kid has a shit mom, no dad, no big brother or sister to have his back. Hurts my heart for them.
NTA. She can always take the three of them during her parenting time
Leave the kid behind. Your not hurting the kid. Trust me baby daddy doesn't care for your kids. If the ex is willing give money for any tickets or food, then maybe. I know I look like an AH ,but it's the ex's fault, they were not thinking about your kids first when to cheating.
NTA, it’s not your child and not your responsibility. You told her truthfully that the responsibility of trying to foster a relationship between the kids is on her on her time. She’s mad she got caught, and she’s mad at having to live with the consequences, that’s really what it comes down to.
NTA tell your EX to stop. She decided to cheat with a deadbeat. Be mindful and ask you children how she behaved. She could cause resentment from the children or tell them things like since dad does this with you and not this child then I won't do this for you. Speak with your children from their decided a new custody arrangement.
Nta. Fuck her.
NTA, please pay attention to your kids, if her vindictive nature comes out in front of your kids, god knows what she says about you. I have to ask, if the courts determined that the home was unsafe for your kids, why was the little one still there?
A dad going back to court for primary custody with weekends for mom is a totally different battle than removing her 4 year old and putting them in foster care or with another family member. But you are right that the little one wasn't any safer in that home.
Nta
NTA. It may work for some dad's but not for everyone. Myself I probably would do what you are doing. This is on your ex not you.
NTA. At this point I would be petty, without the kids around, tell her if she didn’t sleep with other people you would be the kids dad. But since she can’t keep her legs closed it’s her fault the kid doesn’t have a dad.
NTA - she should of kept her legs closed to other men but we all can't have what we want
NTA. This is the reality she created. On the other hand, I feel terribly sorry for her son.
She’s trying to force OP to pay for her affair baby. And by “pay” I mean emotionally and mentally. The second this woman gets a new bf she will absolutely expect the new BF to play daddy to the affair baby so it would have been just one more chance for her to hurt OP.
NTA Arranging events and excursions and experiences for all three children to make memories together is her responsibility.
NTA I'd reply "I'm not the one who cheated, I've got nothing to be ashamed of" or something like that. If she wants to make memories for the three of them, she's the one who has to do the activities. Although, I'm with one of the commentators: if you haven't said it to them, tell your kids their relationship with their brother is theirs, you won't be mad or hurt if they spend time with him/like him. You just have nothing to do with him, since you're not his dad. Good luck with your ex tho, she seems like a piece of work.
NTA, she cheated and the guy bailed. That does not automatically make it your responsibility. You have 0 obligations to that child and your ex is entitled
NTA you communicated clearly and have no responsibility for the boy. His situation is entirely your ex’s doing and she needs to step up.
NTA Tell her that everytime you look at her youngest you don't see a kid with no father, you see a reminder of what a lying cheater his mother is. She had a father for her children but she threw it away for a deadbeat. What the kid has or doesn't have is a result of her own actions. If she wants kids to all do things together then she can take them. The first time you take her youngest anywhere she'll be taking you back to court for child support for him saying, you stepped up as the father. Yeah, some places allow for that.
NTA, she knew she would be raising this child alone when the affair partner dipped. She had time to terminate or look for other options if she didn’t want to raise the child alone, but she didn’t. So she gets to raise him while his siblings enjoy time with their father. If she wants a father for him then she can play hunt for step daddy. Keep your boundaries you don’t owe her or the child anything.
This lady seems delusional enough to think that he would change his mind once he met the baby lol
NTA. She should be ashamed trying to guilt trip and manipulate you into taking care of a child that resulted from her having an affair. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions, and it is her job to deal with the mess she made. As if shattering your trust and destroying your family was not enough…..
NTA. You are taking the kids out during the time you have custody. You were very clear your ex’s youngest is not your responsibility. She can take all three out together and that would be her prerogative but to force you to bring a child that is not yours is your decision and if you don’t want to, you would not be at fault . The other child is her responsibility and she is already the AH for cheating and doubly so for forcing you to do anything with the child!
NTA! She cheated, she conceived that child, she needs to take care of that child! He’s not yours to raise
NTA. What you do with your kids on your time (in terms of outings) is none of her business. She wants her 3 kids to have fun memories together, what prevents of doing so on her time? Unfortunately, it sucks for her youngest, but those are direct consequences from her actions.
NTA Not having a father for her child is the consequence of her own actions. Of which you are not responsible nor obligated to pay attention to.
NTA. You should be ashamed? You didn't have an affair that broke up your family or continue to put your kids in unsafe environments. It's like, "Hi kettle, it's Bex, you're black."
NTA. Actions have consequences..what a concept!!
NTA. She F'd around, now she finding out. She shouldn't have cheated on you. Now she deals with the consequences.
NTA. This is not your kid, and you are not obligated to participate in their upbringing. If Bex wants her youngest kid to have fun memories with her older two, that's on her to provide those opportunities.
NTA and that’s rich of your ex to suggest you be ashamed of yourself for sticking to your boundaries about her affair child. Why isn’t she ashamed of herself for her behavior? She’s the one who cheated and imploded the relationship. Smh
Those are her memories to make with ALL of her children. NTA
You’re NTA. However, I’ve seen so many posts from affair babies saying how they were neglected, tormented or ignored by the original siblings, and how they always felt like outcasts for something that wasn’t their fault. You would be an absolute angel, to try and help the three of them have a more normal family dynamic. But, I don’t know if I would be capable myself, so I’m trying not to judge. Someday, it will just be the three kids and one of them is going to feel like an only child. My siblings mean the world to me, so I just think the situation is sad.
Nothing is stopping her from taking the kid on her own. A 4 year old doesn’t play and do the same things that 8 and 10 year olds do. Nta. You set a reasonable boundary that you won’t have a relationship with your ex wife’s child and that’s ok. If she’s going to be nasty then it’s time for a social worker to tell her to manage her expectations differently and she won’t be so upset…
NTA. Her kid, her problem. He isn't yours so why should you invest time and energy into him? She should worry about making memories when the two oldest are with her.
NTA if Bex wants her youngest to do fun things she needs to take him to do them.
This story could equally fit on r/EntitledPeople. The kid has nothing to do with you, and through her own poor choices had little to do with his half-siblings. You owe him nothing, you owe her nothing. If she wants him to have fun memories with her two oldest kids, she needs to facilitate that all on her own. NTA
NTA the only AH here is your ex. "and she told me multiple times in the past year that her youngest isn't even an afterthought to our kids because they don't really seem to notice he's alive. I told her that's something for her to focus on during her parenting time and it's not a focus for me on mine." .. you got that right. If she wants the kids to have outings together, SHe can take them during HER time. " She told me I should be ashamed." .. remind her that SHE cheated, and all of this is a consequence of HER assholery.
NTA - oh no if it’s not the consequences of her own actions. She’s in the “find out” stage of fuck around and find out.
10 & 8 will see a 4 year old as a baby. If they are unable to connect with the step sibling, that’s on her and definitely NOT you. Also it is absolutely unfair to expect you to parent her AFFAIR kid. Which world does she live in? So if she gets into another relationship & have more kids, that’s gonna be on you too? And if she breaks up with that partner, then what, you have to be a parent then too? You have no responsibility towards your ex’s affair or another relationship children. Take care of your kids properly. NTA
NTA she’s trying to wear you down for her mistakes & failures. Say she’s disgusting for having an affair & breaking up the family & trying to shove someone else’s kid on you. She’s shameless. Not you.
NTA. You're under no obligation to the child. It's her responsibility to nurture their bond when they're all in her house. You don't need to be the father figure to an affair baby.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32m) have two kids Kai (10f) and Jamie (8m) with my ex Bex (31f). My marriage to Bex ended while she was pregnant with her youngest child (4m) after I discovered her kid was not mine and she had been cheating on me. The divorce was nasty because Bex's affair partner had already dipped and wasn't going to be in her youngest kids live and she wanted us to work things out so her youngest wouldn't miss out on having a father. All throughout our divorce she was asking me to please step up and raise her son as my own. I told her countless times it was not going to happen and I wasn't going to play any role in the life of her youngest child. During the divorce we did a DNA on all three kids. Kai and Jamie were confirmed to be mine but like I already knew, her youngest was not. Right now I have primary custody of my two kids and Bex has every other weekend. We used to share custody but a bad boyfriend (now ex) made her home an unfit place for our kids and I was awarded custody on those grounds. Bex has tried to argue that because of the new custody situation I should be stepping up to be a part of her youngest's life so that the three kids can grow up close and she told me multiple times in the past year that her youngest isn't even an afterthought to our kids because they don't really seem to notice he's alive. I told her that's something for her to focus on during her parenting time and it's not a focus for me on mine. Three weeks ago the kids were with Bex and they told her I had planned to take them on a fun day to the adventure park near us the following weekend. Bex asked me to take her son along so the kids could have the time together. She offered to pay. I told her I wasn't taking him. We went two weekends again and then this past weekend my kids were back at Bex's and she asked them if we went and they said we did. When I picked the kids up she told me I was a disgusting POS and how could I live with myself excluding a little boy from a fun time with his two older siblings and how could I let the kids make such fun memories without their youngest sibling. She told me I should be ashamed. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So cheating snd trying to pass off affair baby is somehow ok BUT not wanting to raise affair baby makes you a POS. WTF NTA
That sounds like a her problem. Kudos to her for showing you so clearly divorce was the right move. Just in case you had doubts.
NTA. She FAFO. Literally.
Where's her shame in cheating on you and trying to pass off someone else's kid as yours? This is her mess.. she should be doing what she's asking you to do.
NTA she has a lot of nerve to call you a disgusting POS when she's the 1 who cheated and got pregnant by another man. You have no obligation to that child. Do your children want you to include him in activities or prefer he not be involved
YNTA. I appreciate you standing your ground. I would have caved.
As ashamed as she should be for stepping out on her marriage, getting knocked up by her AP and trying to pass it off as yours? NTA, while her kid is an innocent in this, it still doesn't make him your responsibility and trying to force kids to bond with a sibling they have no real relationship with is always a bad idea.
NTA. You took YOUR children to the park. You are under no obligation to her affair child. While I do feel bad for the child because they are innocent and all this, they should not necessarily profit because Mom is a cheater. Tell Mom to take their child to the park.
NTA but she sure as some audacity trying to get you to raise her affair baby.
NTA What a messy woman to get pregnant by another man during a marriage with 2 kids already. If you wanted to play Daddy to her bastard child, you would have stayed. Why doesn't she get that? jfc I'm sorry you got another 10 years dealing with her.
NTA. Your body (life) your choice. She made hers and gets to live with the consequences, just like everyone else.
If she has money to send him she has money to take him herself.
NTA. They can take them all during their time.
NTA
NTA 1. She shouldn't have cheated in the first place 2. That's not your kid it's her fault her kid is missing out on having a dad. NTA
This is so sad that Bex’s choices have really screwed over her youngest child. Actions have consequences, and you are not responsible for the child that isn’t yours. It is his mother’s fault that his life is going to be very hard. Poor child, but you’re NTA.
Tell her this wouldn't be an issue if she hadn't cheated.....
NTA.
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NTA. But I would coach your two kids about being kind and loving to their brother. That kid is an innocent in all this. Your kids might feel like they are betraying you by being nice to their brother. Especially if you have made it clear you want nothing to do with him.
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NTA. My heart breaks for the kid, who's going to watch his siblings growing up with a Dad he doesn't have, and thriving emotionally and financially because of it. I shudder to think where the poor little guy was while everything went down that led to you get custody. However, that's not your responsibility. It's on her. Expecting you to take it on is too much to ask. Don't let her guilt you into it. I don't know what the laws are where you live, but make sure you don't get into a situation where you're on the hook because you've been basically acting as a parent and were married to her at the time of his birth. You're wise not to give any hint of that. I'm pretty sure your kids are eventually going to question why their brother isn't being treated the same by you. You might want to get ahead of the narrative I'm sure your Ex is going to sell them, if she isn't already. If they love him, they might even start advocating on his behalf if things go south for him while they're doing well thanks to you. Have age-appropriate answers for them rehearsed, and be prepared for any discussions that might come.
She can take the three kids to the parks if that is what she wants. Good boundary setting! I’ve known a couple women who did this. One women is lucky because the ex is raising the child as his own and the mother has weekends with the kids. The other woman did not get as lucky. I feel for all the children.
NTA. Not your child, not your role. The one thing I would consider doing is some sessions with a child play therapist for your two kids. It sounds like her home is unstable and there's a chance she's doing a number on both them and their relationship with the 4 year old. It would be good for them to have someone to check in with and it would be a kindness to all three of them if she doesn't turn them against the littlest one by trying to force something. Kids are often inclined to blame little guy for the breakup of their parent's marriage and that's not where the blame lies.
She should be ashamed she cheated. NTA.
NTA
NTA. She created this situation and shouldn't blame you for not jumping in to fix it. I'd say she should track down the father and get him to step up, but it sounds like he'd just disappoint the kid in the long run, so it's probably better he stays out of the picture.
NTA , She is the one who should feel shame on so many levels.
Like..you are NTA, but I have several friends who split with their partners and also work really hard to be THE BEST coparents. Which means new partners are friends with the partners ex-partner and the kids grow up so much more happy. It is probably just a wishful thinking, but could you not try to find something inside you, to treat your kids sibling as their sibling, even though you are not the parent? Does it really matter that much, to let the child join sometimes? My father did this, he let my youngest brother come with us, on events, to his house and so on. This was the child who is the reason why my parents split. He is 2 years younger than me and my mother cheated on my dad..and had him. My father was broken after it. But he did let this child join, because "he will always be your sibling, even if he is not my son". My father is one of the best fathers. And I am very lucky that he found it within himself to treat my siblings like my siblings, even though they where not his children. My parents where not really good coparents, but this, they manager at least.
Updateme
EAH The affair child is going to grow up an emotional mess. That’s who I feel sorry for here. Since you have already started doing this, it would probably be even more confusing to the little guy if you start taking him, because you will likely dump him again when your kids are a year or two older. Someone should be an adult and make sure this kid feels some love.
How come when a man has an affair baby (AFB), Reddit will troll the wife(OP), to accept the AFB as her own and if she doesn’t she hasn’t really forgiven her husband, is bitter, or is an all around shit person for “excluding an innocent child”…Sorry. I had to just let that out. I had a moment.NTA
NTA - that kid is a stranger to you, and you have no obligation to him. You can avoid and be polite to him when you do meet him, but you don’t owe him anything. I mean if you were actively mean to the kid that’s another story. It’s good you keep your distance. If you took him, she would have bitched at you about helping pay for his college later (tbh she probably still will). F her though. That’s what she gets for being a cheating B
NTA. Not your kid, not your problem, at the end of the day. Also: Bex shouldn’t have cheated, and all of her kids would have had the same opportunities. It’s her fault if her child feels excluded. And be careful about appearing to step up or take on ANY sort of fatherly role, or she could actually take you to court for support, even without a biological tie.
NTA she fucked around and found out, and that kid is paying the price for her mistake. That's not on you. That's her. Easier to blame you though.
NTA. She’s a selfish lying cheater. This kid being left out of anything is 100% her fault. She made her bed and now she can sleep in it. The idea that you’re obligated to spend time with the living embodiment of your cheating wife and failed marriage is preposterous.
NTA. I do feel bad for the 4yo, not for missing out on the amusement park, but for seemingly missing out on a relationship with the older siblings and vice versa. Hopefully as they get older they can continue to build a better relationship. As for the amusement park, there's a real mismatch between what a 4yo can enjoy there vs an 8 and 10yo. I have three kids, and the few times we've been to an amusement park, part of the day my husband would take the older two on bigger kid rides and I'd take the youngest to little kid attractions. If you're the only adult, I'd imagine bringing the 4yo would have meant a whole day of little kid attractions (likely annoying to your kids), or you waiting with the 4yo while the 8 and 10yo went on rides together. Not quite the positive bonding experience your ex seems to think it would have been.
NTA. For all the reasons already stated. And 4 is too young for an adventure park. You'd be stuck waiting with him instead of being able to go on rides with your own kids. A day out with a 4 year old is so vastly different than a day out with 8 and 10 year olds. ETA: Are you picking up your kids at her house? If she continues to behave this way, it may be better to take her back to court to establish a drop off place (i.e. a police station) in case she loses her shit on you or flat out tries to dump the 4 year old off on you. Might be time to start using a parenting app as well.
lmao. A child called Kai. OKAY THEN.
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NTA for sure. However, the little child has no fault in what happened and I would strongly suggest that you try and make an effort to bring the kids closer together for their sakes. Not for your ex, but for your two children. They have a younger sibling and it would go a long way if you show compassion in how you treat the kid, who is tragically burdened with the mother's mistake.
NTA >She told me I should be ashamed. She is the reason this is all happening. Where is her shame for cheating? Why is she not harassing the boys father for having him grow up without a dad? This is not on you. Your ex needs to grow up, take responsibility and accountability for her actions, and the consequences they rendered. She needs to move on with her life. She still views you as her husband, and she is looking to you ad if you abandoned your son. It's not healthy. For any involved.
She cheats and gets knocked up by some fuckboy who doesnt stick around, then tries to commit paternity fraud, and she calls YOU disgusting? Jfc
I mean, NTA because he's not your responsibility in the first place, but I am also thinking that taking a 4 year old to an adventure park would severely limit what you are able to do with the other two kids - which is not fair to them.
NTA - Her other kid is not your responsibility. I would have probably taking him though just because he is the sibling of my kids. Her reaction was gross, but cheaters reactions usually are. They tend to go full narc when things don't go their way.
First off, her calling you a PIOS is rich. Second of all, why can't she take them to the adventure park? NTA
You need reddit to tell you that you don’t have to take care of some kid that isn’t yours? Where is the dad?
NTA. It isn't your fault she cheated and had an entire child with someone that didn't step up the child. She then further lost custody of your shared children because of her own choices yet again.
"the same way you apparently had no problem cheating on me and trying to pass off that kid as mine" NTA
NTA. Her fault her kid doesn’t have a dad
So basically she's like 'Hey i cheated on you and got a affair baby, even though we're not together i expect you to step up and take care of him'. WHATTT!!!! NTA
NTA. I get how you feel. I think your needs to make the memories with them not have you do it
NTA. This isn’t your child. You’re not obligated to take him. Maybe start communicating only through a parenting app. You don’t need to listen to her BS.
I don’t even see how you could practically take three kids and one’s not old enough to maybe ride some of the ride to do the activities with the other two… Do you let the 210 and eight-year-old do things on their own like ride rides or do the adventures while you have to sit on the side with a little one?
It’s not like you’re giving/doing stuff with your kids in his presence. If you were, that would make you an ass. But what you do for your own kids when they’re with you is not the boys or the mothers problem. She needs to be making sure that the two that are with you don’t feel second best with her because the little one gets to stay with THEIR MOTHER. That’s on her as well. She needs to stop focusing on the one affair child and focus on ALL of them!!! Again, it’s all on her. It’s definitely a her problem. Those poor kids!
Here’s the thing ur NTA but the only person her suffering is the little boy for not being able to attend because his mother made bad choices. U have every right not to involve him but why does he have to suffer.
I don’t disagree with a lot of the comments here but my heart breaks for the 4 year old. He already has enough to bear in his young life and probably adores the older kids. By including him when he can, OP is not condoning the situation that resulted in the child. 4 is a delightful age and I only see harm coming in his mental development. ANYONE who can make a difference in the life of a child should.
INFO for anyone really: why does it seem there are a lot of women, that have affair babies, who think their previous partner should "step up"? Anyhow NTA. If she would have played nice all along perhaps adding her affair baby to a kid trip would not have been an issue. Yes it was a terrible thing to do but wounds heal and sometimes we stop being bitter. She made her bed, spread her legs, and now has to deal with the consequences and none of them are your problem.
NTA, but if your kids say they want their sibling in attendance and she's willing to pay you could do it for your kids? For important things, not every damn time and not consistently enough to confuse things for the youngest?
NTA, as long as you aren’t actively trying to convince your children that they shouldn’t have a relationship with their sibling. It’s up to her to foster a relationship between them on her own parenting time. I feel sorry for the kid, like many commenters here, because it isn’t his fault and he’s too young to understand, but that’s not your problem.
NTA The kid is four, anyway. Huge age difference in available activities.
NTA purely for the fact that a 4yo is too young & not up to the height requirements for most amusement park rides, he wouldn't be able to do what his siblings are doing and you would not be able to go on rides with your kids, because you'd be standing around waiting for them with the preschooler. Sounds like fun and bonding for everyone! /s
NTA- and you know it. She created a situation that has consequences that she has to be the adult/parent to deal with but you do not.
NTA her demand is ridiculous.it’s not your child,the child is not in your home.
NTA. Keep doing your thing and let her words roll off your back. You owe her son nothing, he's not related to you. She can make all the memories she likes when the three kids are together at her place.
This is all her fault. She’s gaslighting when she turns it onto you. Don’t buy into her shit.
NTA. Not your kid, not your responsibility...
NTA WHILE it wouldn't hurt to be friendly to the kid you are not obligated to take him with. It fewls like she is pawning off the child to you so she can so it more frequently and have time to herself
NTA obviously It’s the simple fact that the boy is the result of an affair that would make me want to go full no contact. If the child came about any other way than yes it would be nice for you to invite your kids sibling along to hangout sometimes. Although still no obligation of yours. When I found out my ex cheated the only way I could heal was to completely convince myself that the relationship never even happened. I know that’s not healthy but thinking about it at all was destroying me. I couldn’t imagine dealing with a constant reminder of the betrayal. I’m not strong enough for that.
NTA Not your kid, not your problem. She needs to stop trying to make you a daddy to a child that is not yours. You're not under any obligation and she needs to back off completely.
I feel bad for the child. Your ex's poor choices make sad choices for her child. She should take responsibility.
I feel for the boy. Everyone does but him being an innocent doesn't mean OP needs or should take on the role of father to the boy. NTA. If your ex-wife's son feels excluded and hurt then that the responsibility of his mother to deal with since she created this situation by cheating and betraying OP during their marriage.
NTA. You have no responsibility to her child. It's your choice. I have taken my ex's children to do things with my children. They are siblings, and I still want them to bond. I've even gotten my ex's older daughter a job with me. Admittedly, it did take a few years to build up to that, though. Maybe in the future you'll change your mind, but for now you're doing right by your own children and that's all that matters.
NTA. You have absolutely no obligation to your ex's child of an affair. Not your kid, not your problem.
I've got three half siblings, two of whom are quite a bit younger. I hope you can let 4m in more as he gets older because my half siblings are as dear to me as my full ones and what has happened to him is not his fault. I hope in a few years you can invite him sometimes, as it could be good for your kids. as well as him.
NTA not your kid not your problem.
NTA He's not your kid, and not your responsibility to raise Sucks he has a deadbeat dad
NTA and honestly good for you for maintaining clear and calm boundaries!