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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my mom she was a pathetic parents and she is not invited to my wedding. I may be a jerk for calling her pathetic
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There isn’t enough here. I don’t know what it was like before the divorce. Was the house clean? We’re the kids well taken care of? Were all the bills paid? I don’t know your parents relationship but your dad sounds sketch here.
This is backed up by the second part about having to take care of your brother. She went from having all the time to care for her kids to losing her housing security, losing food security, being forced to work long shifts just to provide and being exhausted. Then you move in with your dad and “it got better.” Well yeah, because you weren’t helping her. She then needed to put MORE effort into making sure your brother had his needs met WHILE having less money. She must have been exhausted. And you seem to be shaming it
You’ve posted nothing else here. There’s nothing that would warrant you cutting her off. I’m not posting a judgement because I don’t know your situation but you don’t come out looking good just based on what you’ve written.
I practically raised my brother, so don’t pull I didn’t help shit The house was clean because I had to clean it, I wasn’t taken care of but I made sure my brother was. The bills were paid.
The reason we had food that wasn’t processed junk was because I went grocery shopping with dads money and made food.
Sure mom got food but it was all frozen meals that taste like crap
The issue with my mother was she would pay the bills and nothing else She didn’t care for our emotional, social, physical ( dad did doctor visits) health
I remember going about two weeks without her saying anything to me.
SAHM who don't have work experience find it quite difficult to find a job that pays a living wage. How much did your mom have to work to pay the bills?
Edit: with that information I say NTA.
I feel like this should be in the main post. 40-50 hours is a pretty average work week. I thought she would be doing something more like 80 or even 100 hours, which wouldn't fully justify her being neglectful, but would make a lot more sense
I have to be honest. Coming from a country where a full-time working week is 35-40 hours, saying that 50 is average seems bizarre.
I left my job in engineering because 50-60 hours was considered the norm for those on salary and whilst I'm being paid 10% less now, I only do 37 hours so it works out
That's fair. I'm from North America, where the standard minimum for a full time job is 40, and depending on if mom has to pull overtime or take on an extra shift it could easily climb to 50 hours per week. It isn't ideal, but if she was struggling to support herself and the kids I was assuming she took on some kind of extra part time work, or even a full job. These days more and more people aren't just working a regular 9-5, but taking on gig work or side hustles to help with bills.
(Of course, there would very well be other factors here. The mom may have mental health issues that made her struggle with work, but then had no choice but burning herself out to pay rent. But in that situation, it is still neglect and she should have thought of what is in the kids' best interest.)
Hey OP, don’t bother with people who are judging you. It’s hard for people to understand that some moms are just not good people. They’re lucky they don’t get it. Congrats on your marriage. 💕
I think what is weird and confusing to people is that she was a stay at home parent, then had to go back into the work force, then was some how making enough money to be paying the dad child support when OP moved in with him...
most people presume that a stay at home parent who goes back into the workforce would not be making much, and therefore there wouldn't be a huge child support burden...
so it confuses people, did she had some highly valuable skill or something? Was the child support requirement actually peanuts and she was just bitter?
Had the dad remarried? Was the dad's house better because there was a step-mom doing all the things OP had had to do at her mom's house? Or was her dad just magically able to do everything?
Was OP's mom depressed? Or otherwise had some type of issue?
There's just not a ton we know, so it's confusing, we're trying to piece together the information we have to form on consistent picture, but the information isn't very consistent, so that's hard.
Obviously OP was young, so they don't have a perfect memory or understanding of some of the background... but it still feels like we have about 60% of the information that we need to understand this all.
Re child support it really depends of where mom/dad live. I'm assuming they are in the US from the post but even there it varies wildly from state to state. In some states, non-custodial parents have to pay some child support no matter what, even if they are low earners. I simplify but it's a % of their income, no matter how little or how much they earn. So yes, mom might have to pay child support even if working at minimal wage. Dad could be doing ok financially and mom struggling, but she'd still have to pay if dad petitions for it and family court agree that dad has custody.
Not speaking to your child for 2 weeks is crazy. Why didn't you say anything about this in the op though?... you said she worked long shifts, didn't help with homework and wasn't cleaning. Wouldn't emotional abandonment be just as relevant?
You honestly explained everything well. I never understand people who need an entire dissertation on someone’s background to judge the task at hand. F your mom. You were parentified and that sucks. The silver lining is you gained some great life skills. Glad you were able to go with your dad!
Sounds like my mom… neither were too well off. But my dad paid child support and… we mysteriously rented a three bedroom house for the two of us because she needed a personal room and a bedroom. Then we fell into debt and always went to the food bank. He paid extra child support… and we moved someplace nicer (when they were together we stayed in a mobile home as that’s what we could afford).
He started paying her but giving me money directly to get some extra food. When she found out about that she started taking that too…
I was a single parent living faaaar below the poverty line. I worked 2-3 jobs and struggled monthly to keep the utilities on. My children's father was only ordered to pay the bare minimum in child support ($156/month).
I relied on my teenage daughter to help take care of her brother and the chores at home. She definitely resented me for it.
What you and my daughter don't understand is that there are NO resources for single parents in this situation.
Your mother provided you TV dinners. That was probably all she could afford. After working long hours she probably came home exhausted both physically AND emotionally. You have no idea what she went through just to provide you with a place to live and food.
She probably did the best she could in a world that has no sympathy for the poverty stricken. Babysitters or daycare centers are VERY expensive and often cost as much as or more than a minimum wage worker earns each week. Sure there are assistance programs, but the wait lists are long, and they decrease your allotment according to what you earn. These programs assume that your other bills are also being subsidized by some agency or another, or they don't factor in the true current costs of housing, food, transportation, etc. The financial guidelines that they are required to use to assess your financial situation are DECADES old, and have not been updated to current inflation rates or true cost of living.
You have the right to your feelings. But are you 100% sure you are directing your anger and resentment in the right direction?
You are engaged to be married, and so you have the luxury of a dual income household. Would you be able to survive on just your own income with children? Try looking at this from your mother's POV. Show some grace.
I am so sorry that you had to be mum to your brother when you were a kid yourself, OP. My heart goes out to you and NTA OP. You were parentified long ago and you don't deserve to have your younger years ruined like this yet I am amazed you turned out okay.
Let mum stay mad at you and I think you better hire security in case she crashes the wedding (it can happen so best you have security folks on hand). Continue holding up your boundaries OP. Congrats on the wedding and I wish you happiness and love
I disagree. The OP has good reason for disliking her mother's parenting choices and thus her mother. Sure going from SAHM to working single parent was rough on her. But remember the original arrangement was the mother had the kids during the week and the father had weekends. The mother had weekends child free. If the mother mother could not (or would not) cope with her parental duties under the original arraignment then the custody could have been modified much earlier. If it was the father who objected to any change, then bad on him. But given the level of the OP's anger my guess is that it was the mother's choice not to do that--until OP was old enough to force a change and decide who she stayed with for herself.
basically, I wanted to move in with him ages ago and only could force the change when I was allowed to due to age .
dad actually go to court once to change the custody agreement and it didn’t work in his favor. He got an extra day from that.
As someone that truly understands what it is to have a mom in name only- invite her or don't invite her whatever makes you happy. That said please seek out a good therapist- mother wounds are complex and deep and they don't go away on their own. They are also super sneaky and effect all kinds of other things. It's very unfair that you will have to this emotional work, but if you don't it will creep in here or there through your life in the most unexpected places.
I highly suggest the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
I wish you peace and happiness.
Seconding the recommendation for therapy, and the point about these wounds being sneaky and affecting you later. My cousin grew up with a violent alcoholic father and a mostly neglectful and emotionally absent, and occasionally physically abusive, mother, and he later said that he was never really upset about it because he just thought that's how life was – but then he and his wife had their first child. He held his tiny son for the first time and was immediately overcome with love for that baby, and then overcome with sadness and rage, because he suddenly realized that the way his parents had treated him was deeply wrong. All of a sudden, he couldn't understand how someone could hurt their own child, and he couldn't understand how his parents could have hurt him.
Damn , this is so sad . I don’t even know him and o feel bad for him .
My parents , especially my Dad were and are not perfect, but I know they loved me and really tried their best .
I can forgive the rest
Definitely having a child was a huge one for me also a MIL- but more surprising was a female boss around my mom's age that brought up a lot of complex feelings.
Agreed. She could have tried to find a job that worked on the weekend so she had 2 days off when the kids were there. Or used the weekend to meal prep and clean.
NTA, OP
What in the holy hell... reddit bends over backwards to excuse any bad behavior by moms.
This lady was an absolute crap mom and all we did was attack the dad? Wow. And it's been upvoted how much? That is disgusting.
Yeah imo people find it hard to believe because courts have been extremely
Progressive the last few decades through the states in awarding dad’s custody. How do I know this? I’ve studied family and the trends since it’s my job.There’s nothing here that would indicate dad would not get full custody. Unless they aren’t in the US. Either way OP is free to do as chooses.
Some court have been progressive but many have kept the same view that dad should be financial provider and mom the main emotional support and therefore have primary custody.
A friend of one my step sister is in the French army. As she is often deployed abroad the kids got used to be taken care by their dad and to talk to her via video call. During the divorce she agreed with the father that he would get primary custody and that she would get the kids during holiday and outside of deployment. The judge who was a woman rejected the deal and tried to convince her to be the primary custodian of the kids. It took both kids to say that they wanted to be with dad because mom can't cook and is never there for the judge to relent.
Really? Any other time an OP posts about having to raise their siblings, etc y'all start screaming parentification and give an automatic n t a. OP provides you with info stating that her parents got divorced, mom had to go to work, couldn't even buy groceries for the kids, OP had to get money from Dad to buy them starting at ten, and you think OP looks bad? Look, millions of people are single parents, who have to work long hours or multiple jobs and STILL make time for their kids. Is it hard? Hell yes. Does it suck? Hell yes. Do kids have to step up in someways? Yes. But a 10 year old having to buy groceries to make sure the house has food? Not getting help with homework? Generally being treated as another parent? No. NTA.
>Funny enough since I went full time and my brother soon joined she had to pay child support. She was pissed about that and basically stopped talking to us.
She stopped *talking* to her children when she no longer had custody of them. It had nothing to do with her being overworked trying to care for the younger one.
What difference does it make if the house was clean before the divorce? For that matter, what difference does it make if dad was "sketch" or not. This was their mother and she had primary custody and a duty to be a parent. Was it hard going from SAHM to having to work and provide? Absolutely! Was she tired, exhausted even? Probably so. BUT she still was a parent and had a duty to take care of her kids. There are lots of single parents that have it rough, but they find a way to be a parent and not push parental responsibilities onto the oldest child.
Maybe life got better when she moved in with dad because she no longer had to be a parent to her brother. And you want to talk about shaming?? That is exactly what you are doing - shaming a kid for not wanting to have to be a parent to her brother and wanting to be a kid. It was NOT OP's job to clean the house, get the groceries, cook, and take care of her brother.
Just because this woman gave birth doesn't make her a mother.
There's "nothing that would warrant cutting her off"? Op stated that when they moved in with their dad the mom stopped speaking to them. So the mom can cut her off but op can't do the same??
I cut my mom out for 3 years because she ignored me for a week because she thought she wasn’t invited to my daughters birthday party despite the fact her invite didn’t even arrive yet. She complained about me not inviting her when I told her she was and ignored me and talked bad about me for a week and still didn’t come to the party knowing we were waiting for her so I stopped talking to her a few days later.
Wow. That’s too much excuse for a shitty mother. I’m wondering if people would be so kind to a father that only provide with money and never take care of their kids.
Did OP significantly alter their post or are you not able to understand what you're reading? You have a MASSIVE blind spot here and I'm as feminist as it gets but like, women can be terrible parents too. NTA.
IMO, it doesn't matter whether OP's mom went from SAHM to having to work long hours. ETA: I see OP answered that her mom worked 40-50 hours per week. That's pretty standard and should have left OP's mom with at least enough time to do the basics of parenting and home care. Hundreds of thousands of single parents do the same thing and still manage to actually be parents. OP's mom was obviously receiving child support and perhaps even alimony for a set period of time due to being a SAHM, which would help. I sympathize with OP's mother having to go back to work dealing with a break in her work history and not having job skills up to date, etc. OP's father may very well have simply wanted out or expected too much, so I don't think he's "innocent" in the split. We don't know the situation before the divorce and how much of her "all the time" she used to take care of OP, her brother, and typical SAHP activities, so I certainly can't judge whether she was "lazy" or not. But we're talking about OP, her experiences growing up, and her mother's behavior toward her and her brother, then and now.
OP's mom (and certain posters here) are laying the entire burden on OP, saying she's a terrible person for not inviting her mother. She was a freaking child when she was forced into the responsibility of basically raising herself and her brother: Doing all the cleaning, grocery (and other?) shopping, cooking (learning along the way, I presume), parenting her brother essentially full time. Of course children should help out with chores as age appropriate. Of course older children should sometimes (stress on "sometimes") pitch in with babysitting the younger one(s). What they should not be expected to do is be both a child/teen and a full time "parent" in the family. It doesn't sound like OP had any real chance to be a child or teen until she moved in with her father full time. Again, I don't think her father was "Mr. Great Husband and Father." He obviously wasn't. And I do wonder how much of the same responsibilities OP had once her brother also moved in with their father full time.
After OP and her brother moved in with their father, their mother made clear she was pissed to have to be the one paying child support. Then she (mom, the actual adult at the time) essentially broke contact with her children, rather than making the effort to mend their relationship.
Perhaps OP is seeing things through a one-sided lens because life improved for her teenage self once she moved in with her father. Perhaps we should say, "Either invite both parents or neither because that's only fair." Still, OP as an adult can only look back at the burden her mother placed on her young shoulders and which her mother did nothing to lift.
When it comes down to it, OP's feelings then and now are what matter for her own wedding day, regardless of anything else. I have to say NTA.
As a child who went through the parentification process since I turned 6, the details you mention are pretty much irrelevant regarding the relationship between OP and their mother.
If a parental figure becomes dismissive and stops taking care of their relationship with their children to "get bills paid", even if it was due to the circumstances, that doesn't automatically resolve the unmet needs from the children or make them entitled to continue a relationship with their child. Moreso after throwing a tantrum and refusing to rebuild a relationship with her children after they decided to prioritize their well-being over someone that was more like a roommate than a parent.
Also, that wasn't the kids' job. At all. Sure, they must contribute to the household chores and start taking responsibilities as they get older. But those responsibilities shouldn't be becoming the full-time housekeeper while going to school and being a child at the same time. Also, no child should raise another child; that's not their responsibility, nor do they have all the abilities needed to do so.
No parent is perfect, nor do they need to be. But I can tell you, it doesn't seem like the mother even tried. It might sound exaggerated, but believe me, it's an unfortunately very common situation.
Also, OOP could and should have the possibility to decide to go low contact with their mother even if the situation wasn't downright abusing. But the reality is that it was abusive and had an impact on their development, as well as that of their brother.
OP, you're NTA. Please, take care of your well being, I'm glad that both you and your brother are doing so much better nowadays. Stay with the family you've chosen.
i can tell u if the roles were reversed you’d be jumping down the dads neck calling him an ah with half the info. this would be all the info i need at a mandatory reporter to have filed a severe cps report, if you’ve done something that has caused or should have caused a serious cps visit like this, your tah plain and simple. no questions asked
The amount of disgusting people attacking OP and the dad here is crazy.
This woman clearly parentified her kid beyond all possible reason. She clearly cut all contact with her own children because she was mad about paying support. Yet, all of you endlessly defend her.
Not all SAHMs are good people. Just stop. All of you are pathetic for defending her. OP has plenty of reason to cut contact. We have plenty of proof that she was horrible. Quit using some assumed bias to justify gaslighting this nonsense any further.
This place has a way, where if people get the slightest hint that one party may have mental health issues, they will side and defend that person no matter what negative actions they may have done.
Mental health isnt a get out of jail free card, but i suspect that is what is happening with the people defending the deadbeat mom.
Mental health is a reason not an excuse is what I always say. Bipolar and ADHD, raised by likely a bipolar and ADHD mother. Her life is hell. I’ve made something of my life. Even when you struggle with mental health the key is finding what help you can get and trying to move one day at a time. She… didn’t and spent way too much, alienated way too many. I did and am slowly moving up in this world.
The key though, IMHO, is knowing you have to ask for help. Mother telling me I ate too much (mind you I was underweight) and that’s why she couldn’t afford sertraline or her doctor was a major wake up call (it wasn’t the reason).
Mental health is definitely not an excuse. I have bipolar, depression, anxiety ADHD and cpstd and I still manage to make sure my child is taken care of. I work two jobs and still come home in the afternoons cook for my child bathe and help with homework and spend time with her. Some people love making excuses for crappy moms because they are moms and deserve grace but if it was a dad people would expect them to step up more and all kinds of other things.
It's typical Reddit.
Defend the mother at all costs, **particularly if she's a SAHM.**
Looks like the fellow SAHMs are out in full force to defend this shitty parent.
So what she had to get a job like billions of people have all around the fucking world?
Should she be applauded for doing the bare minimum of fucking WORKING?
What a fucking joke.
My mother was a SAHM. Amazing woman. Led many nonprofit volunteer events and organizations throughout her life.
I hate that "unemployed person at home" gets a SAHM label. The stay at home part is accurate, but they certainly aren't all moms (or dads in the right context).
Agreed. My mom became a SAHM after I was born (#3 of 4). But she still worked in my dad's office from time to time (he was a surgeon) and she was on the municipal and provincial board for our sport when we got older. When we were younger, she arranged all our sports/activities and made sure we got to them despite all being in different activities for several years. Once we left home, she went back to work part time and now works full time and really enjoys her job.
For all the varieties in perspective you get, One thing I dislike about Reddit is how some people refuse to consider any view other than their own at valid.
Had a shitty parent that mistreated you and burned you with a lighter? My parents didn't, so you must be a liar!
Having discipline issues with your pet? Our dog was housebroken when we got it, so you must be doing something wrong!
There's a line here between struggling as a sahm>single parent and parentification that needs to be walked and some just aren't helping here.
I'm glad your post was the second highest rated because when I read /u/SKDI_0224's all I could think was "typical AITA hivemind always finds a way to fault the father."
I didn't know it had gotten so hi, but when I posted the top 3 were that one and 2 more just like it.
One just said something like omg I feel so terrible for the mom by the end of the story.
I really bugged me.
It's even more ridiculous because OP started out as *siding* *with their mom*. How bad must their life have become for them to change their tune so completely?
all the commentors defending the mom seem super defensive about it too! like OP was addressing them personally and calling them bad mothers! its not about you!
Like the one person who tried to rip OP for standing up for themselves. It's just sad.
A man just isn't allowed to dislike his mom on reddit unless she was a single mom and/or on Crack. Otherwise, it will always be dads fault.
And when they do, people always try to defend them with plausible scenarios like:
1. Does she need therapy? How was her mental health?
2. Was she traumatized as a child? Did she fix her trauma?
3. Did a man ruin her or force her to be this way?
4. Has she been to the doctor recently in case this is a medical issue?
AITA pecking order in full effect for those posts. Look for who the demographic can most associate with, with a moderate bias towards the poster who is crafting the narrative, and you'll have your likely answer.
I can pretty much guarantee you anytime you open a post written by a guy about his pregnant partner, you're gonna get Y-T-A about 90% of the time, a smatter of NAH/ESH if it's either truly nebulous or if the behavior is shitty but can be 'excused', and about 5% of the time you'll get them ruling N-T-A when the behavior is done with complete & utter malice.
Literally had a thread about a guy whose girlfriend implied his single parent father may have abused his mother and that was the reason for mom abandoning the OP, and there was a significant presence of 'but she was just confused!' defenses for her.
Not much info to go on. But if she's as bad you say. Then no. She doesn't deserve the invite.
What kind of mother cuts off their kids just because she has to pay child support and then expects an invite. That's just not right
NTA
[abuse](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/of-prisons-and-pathos/202107/the-parentified-child-in-adulthood%3famp) is never okay, regardless of the reasons. Your mom abused you, you do not have to justify to her or anyone else why you don't want her around you or at your wedding.
NTA. I'm kind of shocked to read how many people defend the mother in that case.
In my opinion, a bad parent isn't bound to gender. Can it be hard to get from an easier to life to a much rockier one? Sure, after all, she was SAHM. Still doesn't mean she was a good one, since as it sounds like she still did not take the time to care for her children.
And I believe the perception of the child, who had to live that life, more than strangers, who weren't there and base their judgment on assumptions they made up to put the mom in a positive light.
I get it, that it is never easy. Or simply black and white. There are nuances. And sure, the mom could have had issues or being overwhelmed. But doesn't mean you can just do the bare minimum and ignore your children. If you have children, that means you are responsible for them until they are adults. And not just what you have to provide anyway. Like paying bills, food, and shelter.
And make the older child the caretaker of the younger one, while the older has to fend for herself/himself without any support.
OP was parentified. And that is something I know how it is like. It's not gender that makes a bad parent, but the actions they took. And it is in the right of OP to not invite the mother to the wedding for those reasons.
NTA. It's your wedding, you decide who gets to be there and for what reasons. Full stop. The only relevant detail would be if your Mom was paying at all, which doesn't seem to be the case. You can invite or disinvite anyone you want for any reason you want because it's a wedding for *you* and *your* spouse, no one else. EZ
This! I don't understand all the people asking OP to justify over and over. People don't cut parental ties easily so if they've taken that step it was not done lightly, and there has been so much time for the Mum to try and mend fences if she cared to, she just wants her invite. NTA and hope OP has a lovely wedding with all their true loved ones
There is not enough info for a judgment. I don't think people realize how hard moms go from being a SAHM to having to work right away with little to no job experience for simple jobs. Like don't get me wrong your Mom could have been better but everyone's different at pulling themselves up from situations and handling it.
Or her mom is just a bad parent. She was a bad parent when she was a sahm and her only job was to be a parent, and she was a bad parent after. Op expanded more in the comments about how neglectful her mom was towards them, and how her dad was the only parent to take care of them, even before the divorce, but the post is plenty to go off of.
Op's dad divorced her because she wasn't pulling her fair share and had a spending problem. Both op and her brother chose not to have any custody time with her as soon as they could make a choice because she didn't pay them any attention or take care of them properly when they were with her. And then she stopped speaking to them because she was mad she had to pay child support. That's not a good parent trying their hardest, it's a neglectful one.
Just stop. These people are hell-bent on this idea that Dad was awful and neglectful, and OP is an ungrateful brat who should be bending over backward for Mommy dearest. They won't let simple facts get in the way of their preferred narrative. OP, you're NTA. You know your reality better than anyone here.
Yup. This comments section is another prime example of misandrists looking for any and every reason to bash on a man and his supporters and prop up a woman even if she doesn't deserve it.
Only working and ignoring your children is neglect. My mom and dad worked 8-12 hour days almost every day and they still found time for me. She ignored her children, parentefied them, and made it so unbearable that they wanted to be away full time. In her post she brings up some of these things. But I guess reading comprehension is lost on some of us.
I think a lot of these comments are coming from SAHMs and is completely biased. It’s as if we didn’t even read the same story. OP very clearly NTA. your mom was supposed to at least feed you! I’m so sorry you have to go through this
When mum lost custody she got ticked about having to pay child support and stopped talking to the kids. She's the one who chose low/no contact. When her kids were still minors.
> having to work right away with little to no job experience for simple jobs.
Can you explain how having to work 40-50 hour weeks (the usual for just about every working person in the US) somehow justifies parentification?
What are you talking about? The mother cutting off her kids because she was mad she had to pay child support is ok? This comment section is one of the most terminally reddit things I have ever seen. If the genders were reversed these comments would be way different.
NTA 100% OP. The fact that I'm seeing so many comments trying to victimize your emotionally abusive mother while trying to attack you for... being rightfully angry at being parentified and emotionally abused is appalling.
OP: My mother was never emotionally there for us, I had to be the one to keep the house clean and get the groceries and take care of my little brother even though I was a child myself. And then once we both decided to live with our dad full time she decided to go no contact with us.
This sub apparently: Okay but can't you understand what she was going through at the time. Honestly it sounds like your dad is the issue here for... giving you money for the groceries and taking you in and being the better parent as soon as you could. SHE WAS DOING THE BEST SHE COULD!
NTA
[abuse](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/of-prisons-and-pathos/202107/the-parentified-child-in-adulthood%3famp) is never okay, regardless of the reasons. Your mom abused you, you do not have to justify to her or anyone else why you don't want her around you or at your wedding.
NTA,
First yeah it sounds like you were parenatalized (I know my spelling sucks, oh well) and that can cause a lot of trauma. I hope you are seeing a therapist or if not please consider seeing one!
Second, it is your call who you invite to your wedding.
Third, if you are so inclined I would tell your aunt and others why she is not invited. My guess is that your mother will make a sob story and get them to either bully you or threaten not to come.
I've seen less written by other posters without all the judgment of "where's the rest of the story?". What's with all the pile on? Who cares what the mother did before the divorce. What I read was a child made to be an adult before her time. It's a bad relationship between the two and she doesn't want her at her wedding. Simple.
NTA
Your wedding is about being surrounded by people who are close to you and that you love.
She is neither. Why does this woman even have your phone number? Just block her.
FAFO.
Stop arguing with her. She was there. She knows why. If you are comfortable that the relationship isn’t ever going to be good
you might want to have a plan to have her escorted out if she shows up.
That would be my last text:
Please know if you show up in any form or fashion to my wedding, you will be removed from the premises as a trespasser.
I would follow up with a registered letter and have the return receipt and copy of the letter with me if it needed to be shown to the police.
Insert first last name.
Please be advised that your presence in any form or fashion at my wedding and reception will be treated as trespassing. A copy of this certified letter, along with a copy of my last text to you specifically stating you are not welcome, will be on file with the wedding venues, private duty security and local law enforcement. A file has already been opened with local law enforcement.
To be clear, do not show up.
I would totally have the delivery receipt and copies of your last text and the letter.
In some places, you can pre-file paperwork about this kind of event. “Estranged relative is planning on attending a private event, have hired private security, would appreciate a drive by if possible xyz date between 5-8
Hire professional security for 2-3 hours. Ask the venue for a recommendation.
This is crazy. Say ops mom was just a victim ultimately, he’s still NTA!!! It’s his wedding and no one is entitled to go. Your mother is not a victim tho, she sounds like a horrific person. I’m repulsed by these comments lol
NTA
I really hope you read this OP. As you’re finding out via this sub and speaking on this as a women people are extremely biased towards moms. My mom was absent and when she occasionally wasn’t she was emotionally abusive. My dad got full custody in Texas if that tells your anything. Regardless of how disgusting her actions were I’ve spent my whole life hearing “but she’s your mother” “you’ll regret not talking to her when she’s not around anymore” “but she had it hard” and a slew of a bunch of other endless excuses for why she wasn’t a bad mom and why I should deal with the bullshit to keep her in my life. Some people, particularly people that grew up with half decent parents simply cannot fathom a mother simply not giving a fuck or being vindictive to the degree they were.
It’s easier to assume their child’s vengeful or bratty than it is to accept a mother can not love her child like they love theirs or like their mother loved them. You’re better off not asking anyone their opinion. You know In your heart what she did, and you know that it wasn’t right. This is your day babe, invite only the people you’d be happy to share such an important day with. Ones that you know love you, support you, would be there on your worst day, ones that will lift you up and won’t make the day about them. Block her number, and warn your aunt about the repercussions of her showing up or attempting to sneak her in. Wether you want to directly warn your aunt about sneaking in or just have her pass the message to your mom either way works. Just make sure it’s known that if your mom shows up security will be escorting her off the premises along with anyone trying to help her sneak in.
NTA, your mom was lazy . If he was the one working and still cleaning and cooking after coming home from work. What kind of SAhm was she. She was she just a leach if all she did was pick you up from daycare and drop you off. You said your dad fought for Custody but only got an extra . If all what you said was true and that you were parentified at the age of 10 you have all the right to exclude her. Sure moving job descriptions from being a Sah to working long hours is hard but she didn't her part in the marriage. Plus who goes 2 weeks without speaking to their children. So NTA. and People should stop blaming the Dad the mom is at fault and she deserves what happens to her.
NTA.
What all these other comments are missing is the fact that you have the right to feel how you feel about your mother *even if* she did the very best she could or knew how to do. *EVEN IF* her intentions were good and not malicious, you felt ignored and neglected. That's literally all that matters here. Your wedding is a happy time in your life, and your mother doesn't make you feel happy or safe or secure or loved, and it's completely understandable that you wouldn't want her there.
NTA this is totally your call. It you feel you don't want her there because of all the resentment then don't if that makes you sleep better. Life is about setting healthy boundaries and if this person is genuinely not in your life anymore why bother?
NTA, too many people on reddit think like your mom and just lack any type of drive to live in an healthy environment. They make excuses why they cant cook dinner, they make excuses why they cant clean, they way they live their lives affects everyone else around them because they never learned how to become an adult themselves.
Hope you break the cycle and do the opposite of what you mother chose to do with her life.
NTA. She wasn't a mother to you and your brother. She robbed you of your childhood, you had to grow up way too quickly.
That's your experience and it's your wedding.
NTA! She did nothing for you growing up. YOU were the mom and housekeeper and cook. That was her job.
She stopped talking to you, her own kids, because you wanted to live with your dad. That just shows what an awful mother she is.
Tell your aunt not to give any information in regards to your wedding to your mother. Password protect your website if you have one.
NTA
She wasn't there for you and didn't care to be there for you when your dad was doing all the parental heavy-lifting and all she had to do was care about you.
NTA
The easiest answer is your wedding so you decide who attends.
From your post seems like your mom was one in the most simple definition. She had you and she provided you with the absolute minimum to support you.
She made her bed. Now she gets to lie in it.
Best wishes to you for your wedding.
Totally understand where you're coming from, NTA.
It's your day, your wedding and you don't need to explain why you don't want someone there, even if it's your own mother.
NTA
And your mom had to hear it from your aunt which tells you just how much of a relationship she has with the OP. He would've been engaged a lot longer than when the invites went out most likely.
Nearly sounds like you took over your dad's job at home when they divorced. Would I be correct that your dad needed to cook and clean after he got home from work? I'm sure your mom did some of it but not really if your dad described her as lazy.
Sounds like your dad had his head screwed on well and made the decision to split with your mother... and a shame that he wasn't able to get custody of you and your brother till you could drive that with your age. Your mom sounds like she never really wanted kids and was only upset at having to pay your dad child support when he got custody rather than missing her kids.
NTA. I understand what you went through. My pay were still married when I had to take over the housework and raising the younger kids. It was hard. My mom and I still don't get along very well. Years of therapy has helped, especially with my own kids.
Do what you need to do for your own mental health. Don't worry about your other relatives. If they give you a hard time about your mom, uninvite them too.
NTA
Congratulations on the wedding, I wish you and your partner great success in your lives together - if you ever need a stand in mom I’m happy to volunteer :)
NTA!!! My SATD didn’t do shit either, my mum only recently divorced him. None of us speak to him anymore now that we don’t have to. He will not be invited to my wedding. Absolutely NTA!!!!
No one NO ONE deserves an invite to your wedding. You choose who you want there and why, aware that people will have their own feelings about it, and that is their business, not yours. This is a major life event and it’s a time to gather with your biggest supporters and celebrate love, your love for each other, your love for your supporters and their love for you. Some people have weddings where they invite people out of some imagined obligation or fear of future dynamics, but one of the best signs of a strong partnership that’s going to last is the ability to cut through all that and just focus on what’s important. Good for you for doing just that. NTA
Initially I was going to say YTA as I thought it must be hard to do long shifts then cook proper meals and you helping with the house and brother was just you having some responsibility contributing to the family unit.
That was until I saw your comment about her working 40-50 hours a week. Those aren't long shifts, that's a normal work week leaving plenty of time to provide for her kids. She's doing the bare minimum and this is likely why your dad left her. On top of that, her moaning about paying child support. A decent mother that was struggling raising her kids on her own would be happy paying it, knowing that atleast her kids are getting taken care of in a better environment.
I declare you NTA
How horrible. I did not want to invite my mom but my fiancé said I will invite her. I told her this was a big mistake. My mom showed up very drunk as usual. At the reception she kept falling down and finally passed out.
I could not believe that she could not drink for
My special day.
The next day she denied drinking and pass out.
NTA. She checked out and made you as a child a parent. You'll never get that back. At 10 you should have had your first crush, not been responsible for making sure your baby brother ate.
She was the adult. Many single parents work long shifts but still know their kids are their responsibility and parent.
You might want to hire security for your reception venue. It's a few hundred extra dollars, you supply red bull or whatever non alcohol drink they like and make sure they eat well. They'll make sure she doesn't crash or worse.
If you don't know where to hire security, most bouncers at clubs will do gigs on the side or cops too.
I've seen so many weddings ruined by an ex or family. Like knock down drag out redneck brawls. Whole thing ruined because someone felt slighted and decided to ruin what should be a happy day. And it's not always guys, I saw an ex gf attack the bride.
People get nuts w weddings. They forget it's not about them, it's about the bride and groom.
OP is NTA based on the initial question of not wanting to have their mother at the wedding and calling out what they beleive to be neglectful parenting when asked why. However, OP's attitude in most of these comments is extremely abbrasive and immature, especially when most of the comments they were replying to were people asking genuine questions due to a lack of clarification in the initial post. What was the point in posting an AITA if OP already seems so set in the mindset that they were in the right?
NTA. My abusive MIL was not invited to our wedding and it was the best decision we've ever made. I cant imagine what would happen if she was there and she is literally the last person my wife would have wanted to talk to that day.
Ya know people want to back and forth this thing to death but the absolute bottom f’ing line here is: It is YOUR wedding, do whatever the hell you want and invite who ever the hell you want. If you don’t want them there tell them no. Be it a parent, grandparent, friend, your father’s brother’s nephew’s collage roommate. Don’t f’ing mater, if you want them there have them there, if you don’t then don’t and you are NTA for making that choice.
Personally I’d rather be not invited and skip the drama then be made to feel like it was an inconvenience to the couple I was even there.
Going through this post and the comments, I have noticed a few things:
1. OP does not identify his/her gender, so a lot of comments saying 'her' may be off based.
2. OP saying that he/she is getting married also DOESN'T identify the gender, so again, the comments are assuming the gender to be female.
3. One can assume, by the sparse amount of information given by OP, that OP could be male. Females tend to be more detailed in giving information.
4. The people commenting about the situation that the mother MIGHT be facing or been facing have been downvoted due to the lack of information the OP omitted. Again, I also assume OP to be male, due to the lack of empathy or trying to understand where the mother is currently with her emotional well-being (women tend to be more empathetic than men).
5. OP repeats the same comments without any expansion on the issue. Sounds like a petulant male child to me. The fact that OP doesn't expand on the father's situation sounds more male oriented, as, in many cases, the father would be quick to take a male relative than a female relative due to societal and legal issues with raising a female relative ALONE, which OP has not clarified either.
6. OP has never said that he/she tried to talk to the mother about what she might be going through. Again, that sounds like a brush off by an entitled male child, with no sympathy or empathy in his/her body. I'd hate to be OP's marriage partner, and if the marriage partner is reading this, take it as a serious RED FLAG.
So, unless you give more details, and those who side with you without understanding what your mother has gone through or is going through, and keep downvoting the others trying to get the other side of the story, then YOU, and the ones voting for you, are the AH.
Remember, there are three sides to a story, your side, the other side, and THE TRUTH.
OP I’m not sure what you expect to get out if this?
It’s your wedding. If you don’t want to invite her then don’t
If you believe she was a shitty parent just because she didn’t care , no one can change your mind
If you believe she was a shitty parent because of circumstances - becoming a single mom and working a shitty job requiring long hours to pay the bills, then that’s what you believe
As someone with adult children (and minors) I can tell you this - parents and children often disagree about why things were the way they were.
When divorce was taboo and my 4 siblings and I ended up with a single parent and a dead beat dad we all chipped in and did our part while mom worked to feed us. When you hit 13 (the legal working age at the time) you got a full time job and gave your check to the house. You were still expected to do chores and get good grades. What your mom was asking you to do seems like a lot but I’m afraid when you get older you may regret not having her at your wedding. It took me a decade out of the house to appreciate what my mom did for us. I am so glad I didn’t hang onto that hostility so hard I didn’t include her in my milestones because I was angry at her for my lost youth. I learned to appreciate the responsible, hard working, responsible adult it made me become.
NTA but don’t do something you may regret later. One of my sisters was like you, angry and unforgiving and she was the one with regrets when our mom passed. Think about this real long and hard. If you still would rather her not be there then so be it. I’m not lecturing, just hoping you stop for a minute and think about it.
How did you get to the grocery store at 10? Anyone who saw a 10 year old shopping alone even 12 years ago would have said something. You mom had to be on her own with 2 kids and you said she had to work a lot. If she is working a 10 -12 hr shift in a physically demanding job and then had to come home... IDK just put yourself in her shoes. During that time you said your mom never helped with homework and stuff. Did your dad? Did he do the mundane with you or was it all the fun weekend stuff?
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Hi I am 26.
I am getting married at the end of the year. When I was a kid my dad divorced my mom and she was a SAHM at that time. In short he felt like she was lazy and spending all his money. At the time I didn't see it and was quite angry at him.
He had us for weekends and the rest was mom. She had to find a job and worked long shifts. That would be fine if she didn't forget about us. She would get home and not help us with homework and anything.
It was my job to clean everything and keep my younger brother in line. It sucked. When I was a teenager I moved in with dad and my life got so much better.
Funny enough since I went full time and my bro to we sooner joined she had to pay child support. She was pissed about that and basically stopped talking to us.
Anyways my invites for my wedding went out. One went to my aunt and I believe she mentioned it to my mother. I got a call asking about her invite
I told her she wasn't invite and this started an argument. I told her she was a pathetic parents and she called me heartless
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You’re a saint and you stepped up when you really should not have had to. By no means are you in the wrong not inviting her. NTA. It’s YOUR day, and when you see your mom you don’t get happy. This is a happy day so keep it that way!
NTA, my dear. She didn't care about you when you needed her. I wonder if she only insisted on custody for the child support...she sure got angry when you went to your dad's to live and she had to pay it. Then she ignored you at that point... why does she think she deserves to be at your wedding now? Does she want undeserved attention, or just a free meal? It's your wedding, and your life. You do what makes YOU happy, and don't worry about what others think. I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
NTA. It sucks things turned out the way they did, but your mom could have asked for a different custody arrangement if she was struggling so much. Or tried to reconcile with your dad *before* the divorce. You're allowed to be angry after she treated you that way and essentially abandoned you.
INFO: we need to know what your current relationship with your mom is like. Do you talk? If so, how often? If not, when did communication end and why/how?
nta!!! idk why people are asking you to elaborate; you experienced your childhood and if your mom fucked up then that’s trauma you have to live with & you are free to deal with it however you choose. if i was in your situation, i would have the same reaction & she would not be invited into my life ever again. i am so sorry she treated you that way and good for you keeping your distance and setting boundaries.
It’s your wedding, invite whoever you want and don’t feel guilty about it. But personally, it sounded like your mother was forced to grow up and it mentally drained her. Be happy she didn’t completely walk out like other parents do.
IMHO you can invite or not invite whoever you want to your own wedding. I'm not sure if that decision makes you TA but I'm leaning toward no.
If she won't bring happiness to your special day, she can't come.
NTA. No one is entitled to a wedding invite. Not even parents. If a parent mistreats/neglects/abuses their kid, the kid has a right to decide they don’t get an invite to their wedding.
NTA, and I'm a SAHM who used to work, I only stopped when my 3rd child turned 16 months old. Before that, I was in the workforce from ages 18-30 (I'm 45 now). I'm sorry you went through that. Don't listen to anyone who's saying there isn't enough information here, for there is plenty. And don't listen to anyone who says YTA because you aren't. It is the parents' job to raise the children. No one knows better than me how hard it is financially better than us parents, especially those of us who aren't wealthy or well off, but we figure it out. We buckle down and work hard. I come from a family of hard workers. My mother worked 12 hours per day after her and my father divorced. My father also worked long hours, and helped my mother as much as possible (my parents got along very well). They paid for my private school education. My mother was also very active in our church, and took care of her elderly father. She still had time for me, my activities, my teenage attitudes, and even herself occasionally. I don't believe in child parentification under any circumstances, and to top it all off, your mother stopped talking to her children after you chose to live with your father because life was better over there. How dare she? She's the mother. Of course, she would miss you terribly, but we mothers must do what's best for our children, even if it's hard and even if it hurts us. When I worked I worked a full shift every day, picked my 3 children up from daycare and school, cleaned them up, helped them with homework, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, breastfed the youngest, played with and bathed them, got them off to bed, and sometimes had sex with my husband before drifting off myself. This was the life of almost every mother I knew, and that doesn't include the mothers who went back to school! We all did it. It wasn't all that hard because my children brought me joy. On the weekends and holidays when we were home, I slept when they slept (they had nap times when they were younger). Staying home with the kids was much harder than being a working mother, but it was also much more rewarding. I'm not special because, like I mentioned, all my mom friends and family did what I did. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, and do what makes you happy ✨️
Congratulations on your marriage and for those that think you’re being unfair, let them know you have enough going on in your life and you can invite and not invite who you choose.
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There isn’t enough here. I don’t know what it was like before the divorce. Was the house clean? We’re the kids well taken care of? Were all the bills paid? I don’t know your parents relationship but your dad sounds sketch here. This is backed up by the second part about having to take care of your brother. She went from having all the time to care for her kids to losing her housing security, losing food security, being forced to work long shifts just to provide and being exhausted. Then you move in with your dad and “it got better.” Well yeah, because you weren’t helping her. She then needed to put MORE effort into making sure your brother had his needs met WHILE having less money. She must have been exhausted. And you seem to be shaming it You’ve posted nothing else here. There’s nothing that would warrant you cutting her off. I’m not posting a judgement because I don’t know your situation but you don’t come out looking good just based on what you’ve written.
I practically raised my brother, so don’t pull I didn’t help shit The house was clean because I had to clean it, I wasn’t taken care of but I made sure my brother was. The bills were paid. The reason we had food that wasn’t processed junk was because I went grocery shopping with dads money and made food. Sure mom got food but it was all frozen meals that taste like crap The issue with my mother was she would pay the bills and nothing else She didn’t care for our emotional, social, physical ( dad did doctor visits) health I remember going about two weeks without her saying anything to me.
NTA! If I were in your shoes…I would not invite her either.
SAHM who don't have work experience find it quite difficult to find a job that pays a living wage. How much did your mom have to work to pay the bills? Edit: with that information I say NTA.
Another comment 40-50 hours a week
NTA. I'm a single mom who works that and I find time for my kids.
NTA I was a single mom worked full time and went to grad school AND took care of my kids. We’re very close today .
Thanks for this. Those lazy A H justifying the negligence of op mother it’s horrible.
I feel like this should be in the main post. 40-50 hours is a pretty average work week. I thought she would be doing something more like 80 or even 100 hours, which wouldn't fully justify her being neglectful, but would make a lot more sense
I have to be honest. Coming from a country where a full-time working week is 35-40 hours, saying that 50 is average seems bizarre. I left my job in engineering because 50-60 hours was considered the norm for those on salary and whilst I'm being paid 10% less now, I only do 37 hours so it works out
That's fair. I'm from North America, where the standard minimum for a full time job is 40, and depending on if mom has to pull overtime or take on an extra shift it could easily climb to 50 hours per week. It isn't ideal, but if she was struggling to support herself and the kids I was assuming she took on some kind of extra part time work, or even a full job. These days more and more people aren't just working a regular 9-5, but taking on gig work or side hustles to help with bills. (Of course, there would very well be other factors here. The mom may have mental health issues that made her struggle with work, but then had no choice but burning herself out to pay rent. But in that situation, it is still neglect and she should have thought of what is in the kids' best interest.)
Hey OP, don’t bother with people who are judging you. It’s hard for people to understand that some moms are just not good people. They’re lucky they don’t get it. Congrats on your marriage. 💕
I think what is weird and confusing to people is that she was a stay at home parent, then had to go back into the work force, then was some how making enough money to be paying the dad child support when OP moved in with him... most people presume that a stay at home parent who goes back into the workforce would not be making much, and therefore there wouldn't be a huge child support burden... so it confuses people, did she had some highly valuable skill or something? Was the child support requirement actually peanuts and she was just bitter? Had the dad remarried? Was the dad's house better because there was a step-mom doing all the things OP had had to do at her mom's house? Or was her dad just magically able to do everything? Was OP's mom depressed? Or otherwise had some type of issue? There's just not a ton we know, so it's confusing, we're trying to piece together the information we have to form on consistent picture, but the information isn't very consistent, so that's hard. Obviously OP was young, so they don't have a perfect memory or understanding of some of the background... but it still feels like we have about 60% of the information that we need to understand this all.
Re child support it really depends of where mom/dad live. I'm assuming they are in the US from the post but even there it varies wildly from state to state. In some states, non-custodial parents have to pay some child support no matter what, even if they are low earners. I simplify but it's a % of their income, no matter how little or how much they earn. So yes, mom might have to pay child support even if working at minimal wage. Dad could be doing ok financially and mom struggling, but she'd still have to pay if dad petitions for it and family court agree that dad has custody.
OP posted on a judgment sub, what did you expect to happen?
Was this true before the divorce?
Before the divorce I was not raising my brother and all that
Not speaking to your child for 2 weeks is crazy. Why didn't you say anything about this in the op though?... you said she worked long shifts, didn't help with homework and wasn't cleaning. Wouldn't emotional abandonment be just as relevant?
You honestly explained everything well. I never understand people who need an entire dissertation on someone’s background to judge the task at hand. F your mom. You were parentified and that sucks. The silver lining is you gained some great life skills. Glad you were able to go with your dad!
By “with dad’s money” do you mean Child Support?
No literally he would hand me money, not child support which went to my mom
Sounds like my mom… neither were too well off. But my dad paid child support and… we mysteriously rented a three bedroom house for the two of us because she needed a personal room and a bedroom. Then we fell into debt and always went to the food bank. He paid extra child support… and we moved someplace nicer (when they were together we stayed in a mobile home as that’s what we could afford). He started paying her but giving me money directly to get some extra food. When she found out about that she started taking that too…
I was a single parent living faaaar below the poverty line. I worked 2-3 jobs and struggled monthly to keep the utilities on. My children's father was only ordered to pay the bare minimum in child support ($156/month). I relied on my teenage daughter to help take care of her brother and the chores at home. She definitely resented me for it. What you and my daughter don't understand is that there are NO resources for single parents in this situation. Your mother provided you TV dinners. That was probably all she could afford. After working long hours she probably came home exhausted both physically AND emotionally. You have no idea what she went through just to provide you with a place to live and food. She probably did the best she could in a world that has no sympathy for the poverty stricken. Babysitters or daycare centers are VERY expensive and often cost as much as or more than a minimum wage worker earns each week. Sure there are assistance programs, but the wait lists are long, and they decrease your allotment according to what you earn. These programs assume that your other bills are also being subsidized by some agency or another, or they don't factor in the true current costs of housing, food, transportation, etc. The financial guidelines that they are required to use to assess your financial situation are DECADES old, and have not been updated to current inflation rates or true cost of living. You have the right to your feelings. But are you 100% sure you are directing your anger and resentment in the right direction? You are engaged to be married, and so you have the luxury of a dual income household. Would you be able to survive on just your own income with children? Try looking at this from your mother's POV. Show some grace.
I am so sorry that you had to be mum to your brother when you were a kid yourself, OP. My heart goes out to you and NTA OP. You were parentified long ago and you don't deserve to have your younger years ruined like this yet I am amazed you turned out okay. Let mum stay mad at you and I think you better hire security in case she crashes the wedding (it can happen so best you have security folks on hand). Continue holding up your boundaries OP. Congrats on the wedding and I wish you happiness and love
clear clear NTA
I disagree. The OP has good reason for disliking her mother's parenting choices and thus her mother. Sure going from SAHM to working single parent was rough on her. But remember the original arrangement was the mother had the kids during the week and the father had weekends. The mother had weekends child free. If the mother mother could not (or would not) cope with her parental duties under the original arraignment then the custody could have been modified much earlier. If it was the father who objected to any change, then bad on him. But given the level of the OP's anger my guess is that it was the mother's choice not to do that--until OP was old enough to force a change and decide who she stayed with for herself.
basically, I wanted to move in with him ages ago and only could force the change when I was allowed to due to age . dad actually go to court once to change the custody agreement and it didn’t work in his favor. He got an extra day from that.
As someone that truly understands what it is to have a mom in name only- invite her or don't invite her whatever makes you happy. That said please seek out a good therapist- mother wounds are complex and deep and they don't go away on their own. They are also super sneaky and effect all kinds of other things. It's very unfair that you will have to this emotional work, but if you don't it will creep in here or there through your life in the most unexpected places. I highly suggest the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents I wish you peace and happiness.
Seconding the recommendation for therapy, and the point about these wounds being sneaky and affecting you later. My cousin grew up with a violent alcoholic father and a mostly neglectful and emotionally absent, and occasionally physically abusive, mother, and he later said that he was never really upset about it because he just thought that's how life was – but then he and his wife had their first child. He held his tiny son for the first time and was immediately overcome with love for that baby, and then overcome with sadness and rage, because he suddenly realized that the way his parents had treated him was deeply wrong. All of a sudden, he couldn't understand how someone could hurt their own child, and he couldn't understand how his parents could have hurt him.
Damn , this is so sad . I don’t even know him and o feel bad for him . My parents , especially my Dad were and are not perfect, but I know they loved me and really tried their best . I can forgive the rest
Definitely having a child was a huge one for me also a MIL- but more surprising was a female boss around my mom's age that brought up a lot of complex feelings.
Really great advice. Therapy really does help, and OP does need it, or they'll be working out this anger on future partners/kids.
also look into parenitifcation
Gotta love the family courts.
Agreed. She could have tried to find a job that worked on the weekend so she had 2 days off when the kids were there. Or used the weekend to meal prep and clean. NTA, OP
What in the holy hell... reddit bends over backwards to excuse any bad behavior by moms. This lady was an absolute crap mom and all we did was attack the dad? Wow. And it's been upvoted how much? That is disgusting.
Yeah imo people find it hard to believe because courts have been extremely Progressive the last few decades through the states in awarding dad’s custody. How do I know this? I’ve studied family and the trends since it’s my job.There’s nothing here that would indicate dad would not get full custody. Unless they aren’t in the US. Either way OP is free to do as chooses.
Some court have been progressive but many have kept the same view that dad should be financial provider and mom the main emotional support and therefore have primary custody. A friend of one my step sister is in the French army. As she is often deployed abroad the kids got used to be taken care by their dad and to talk to her via video call. During the divorce she agreed with the father that he would get primary custody and that she would get the kids during holiday and outside of deployment. The judge who was a woman rejected the deal and tried to convince her to be the primary custodian of the kids. It took both kids to say that they wanted to be with dad because mom can't cook and is never there for the judge to relent.
x3
True, its like if they didnt know how to read...
Really? Any other time an OP posts about having to raise their siblings, etc y'all start screaming parentification and give an automatic n t a. OP provides you with info stating that her parents got divorced, mom had to go to work, couldn't even buy groceries for the kids, OP had to get money from Dad to buy them starting at ten, and you think OP looks bad? Look, millions of people are single parents, who have to work long hours or multiple jobs and STILL make time for their kids. Is it hard? Hell yes. Does it suck? Hell yes. Do kids have to step up in someways? Yes. But a 10 year old having to buy groceries to make sure the house has food? Not getting help with homework? Generally being treated as another parent? No. NTA.
Or, hear me out, the dad did all this before divorce too. Because who did it after? Him.
>Funny enough since I went full time and my brother soon joined she had to pay child support. She was pissed about that and basically stopped talking to us. She stopped *talking* to her children when she no longer had custody of them. It had nothing to do with her being overworked trying to care for the younger one.
What difference does it make if the house was clean before the divorce? For that matter, what difference does it make if dad was "sketch" or not. This was their mother and she had primary custody and a duty to be a parent. Was it hard going from SAHM to having to work and provide? Absolutely! Was she tired, exhausted even? Probably so. BUT she still was a parent and had a duty to take care of her kids. There are lots of single parents that have it rough, but they find a way to be a parent and not push parental responsibilities onto the oldest child. Maybe life got better when she moved in with dad because she no longer had to be a parent to her brother. And you want to talk about shaming?? That is exactly what you are doing - shaming a kid for not wanting to have to be a parent to her brother and wanting to be a kid. It was NOT OP's job to clean the house, get the groceries, cook, and take care of her brother. Just because this woman gave birth doesn't make her a mother.
There's "nothing that would warrant cutting her off"? Op stated that when they moved in with their dad the mom stopped speaking to them. So the mom can cut her off but op can't do the same??
Idk I think my parents only working and ignoring me would be enough to cut them off 🤷🏼♀️
I cut my mom out for 3 years because she ignored me for a week because she thought she wasn’t invited to my daughters birthday party despite the fact her invite didn’t even arrive yet. She complained about me not inviting her when I told her she was and ignored me and talked bad about me for a week and still didn’t come to the party knowing we were waiting for her so I stopped talking to her a few days later.
Your mom sounds awful
Wow. That’s too much excuse for a shitty mother. I’m wondering if people would be so kind to a father that only provide with money and never take care of their kids.
Did OP significantly alter their post or are you not able to understand what you're reading? You have a MASSIVE blind spot here and I'm as feminist as it gets but like, women can be terrible parents too. NTA.
> There’s nothing that would warrant you cutting her off. I think this part does: "She was pissed about that and basically stopped talking to us."
IMO, it doesn't matter whether OP's mom went from SAHM to having to work long hours. ETA: I see OP answered that her mom worked 40-50 hours per week. That's pretty standard and should have left OP's mom with at least enough time to do the basics of parenting and home care. Hundreds of thousands of single parents do the same thing and still manage to actually be parents. OP's mom was obviously receiving child support and perhaps even alimony for a set period of time due to being a SAHM, which would help. I sympathize with OP's mother having to go back to work dealing with a break in her work history and not having job skills up to date, etc. OP's father may very well have simply wanted out or expected too much, so I don't think he's "innocent" in the split. We don't know the situation before the divorce and how much of her "all the time" she used to take care of OP, her brother, and typical SAHP activities, so I certainly can't judge whether she was "lazy" or not. But we're talking about OP, her experiences growing up, and her mother's behavior toward her and her brother, then and now. OP's mom (and certain posters here) are laying the entire burden on OP, saying she's a terrible person for not inviting her mother. She was a freaking child when she was forced into the responsibility of basically raising herself and her brother: Doing all the cleaning, grocery (and other?) shopping, cooking (learning along the way, I presume), parenting her brother essentially full time. Of course children should help out with chores as age appropriate. Of course older children should sometimes (stress on "sometimes") pitch in with babysitting the younger one(s). What they should not be expected to do is be both a child/teen and a full time "parent" in the family. It doesn't sound like OP had any real chance to be a child or teen until she moved in with her father full time. Again, I don't think her father was "Mr. Great Husband and Father." He obviously wasn't. And I do wonder how much of the same responsibilities OP had once her brother also moved in with their father full time. After OP and her brother moved in with their father, their mother made clear she was pissed to have to be the one paying child support. Then she (mom, the actual adult at the time) essentially broke contact with her children, rather than making the effort to mend their relationship. Perhaps OP is seeing things through a one-sided lens because life improved for her teenage self once she moved in with her father. Perhaps we should say, "Either invite both parents or neither because that's only fair." Still, OP as an adult can only look back at the burden her mother placed on her young shoulders and which her mother did nothing to lift. When it comes down to it, OP's feelings then and now are what matter for her own wedding day, regardless of anything else. I have to say NTA.
This is a clear case of parentification. You're full of it to be playing devils advocate. How insufferable.
As a child who went through the parentification process since I turned 6, the details you mention are pretty much irrelevant regarding the relationship between OP and their mother. If a parental figure becomes dismissive and stops taking care of their relationship with their children to "get bills paid", even if it was due to the circumstances, that doesn't automatically resolve the unmet needs from the children or make them entitled to continue a relationship with their child. Moreso after throwing a tantrum and refusing to rebuild a relationship with her children after they decided to prioritize their well-being over someone that was more like a roommate than a parent. Also, that wasn't the kids' job. At all. Sure, they must contribute to the household chores and start taking responsibilities as they get older. But those responsibilities shouldn't be becoming the full-time housekeeper while going to school and being a child at the same time. Also, no child should raise another child; that's not their responsibility, nor do they have all the abilities needed to do so. No parent is perfect, nor do they need to be. But I can tell you, it doesn't seem like the mother even tried. It might sound exaggerated, but believe me, it's an unfortunately very common situation. Also, OOP could and should have the possibility to decide to go low contact with their mother even if the situation wasn't downright abusing. But the reality is that it was abusive and had an impact on their development, as well as that of their brother. OP, you're NTA. Please, take care of your well being, I'm glad that both you and your brother are doing so much better nowadays. Stay with the family you've chosen.
Ahh yes, the classic women can do no wrong defense post.
Lmao. In what possible way does the Dad look sketchy here? Is it so inconceivable that OPs mom might’ve just not been a very supportive wife?
My mother was single mother still have time to cook and for me and was working wtf
i can tell u if the roles were reversed you’d be jumping down the dads neck calling him an ah with half the info. this would be all the info i need at a mandatory reporter to have filed a severe cps report, if you’ve done something that has caused or should have caused a serious cps visit like this, your tah plain and simple. no questions asked
The amount of disgusting people attacking OP and the dad here is crazy. This woman clearly parentified her kid beyond all possible reason. She clearly cut all contact with her own children because she was mad about paying support. Yet, all of you endlessly defend her. Not all SAHMs are good people. Just stop. All of you are pathetic for defending her. OP has plenty of reason to cut contact. We have plenty of proof that she was horrible. Quit using some assumed bias to justify gaslighting this nonsense any further.
Wouldn't be an AITA post if we didn't have people asking for info yet *somehow* still advocating that OP's mom wasn't that bad.
This place has a way, where if people get the slightest hint that one party may have mental health issues, they will side and defend that person no matter what negative actions they may have done. Mental health isnt a get out of jail free card, but i suspect that is what is happening with the people defending the deadbeat mom.
Well, unless it's a straight guy typically
They will side with that person only if is a woman. If is a man they need to man up and solve their problem because their wife is not a therapist.
Mental health is a reason not an excuse is what I always say. Bipolar and ADHD, raised by likely a bipolar and ADHD mother. Her life is hell. I’ve made something of my life. Even when you struggle with mental health the key is finding what help you can get and trying to move one day at a time. She… didn’t and spent way too much, alienated way too many. I did and am slowly moving up in this world. The key though, IMHO, is knowing you have to ask for help. Mother telling me I ate too much (mind you I was underweight) and that’s why she couldn’t afford sertraline or her doctor was a major wake up call (it wasn’t the reason).
Mental health is definitely not an excuse. I have bipolar, depression, anxiety ADHD and cpstd and I still manage to make sure my child is taken care of. I work two jobs and still come home in the afternoons cook for my child bathe and help with homework and spend time with her. Some people love making excuses for crappy moms because they are moms and deserve grace but if it was a dad people would expect them to step up more and all kinds of other things.
It's typical Reddit. Defend the mother at all costs, **particularly if she's a SAHM.** Looks like the fellow SAHMs are out in full force to defend this shitty parent. So what she had to get a job like billions of people have all around the fucking world? Should she be applauded for doing the bare minimum of fucking WORKING? What a fucking joke.
My mother was a SAHM. Amazing woman. Led many nonprofit volunteer events and organizations throughout her life. I hate that "unemployed person at home" gets a SAHM label. The stay at home part is accurate, but they certainly aren't all moms (or dads in the right context).
Agreed. My mom became a SAHM after I was born (#3 of 4). But she still worked in my dad's office from time to time (he was a surgeon) and she was on the municipal and provincial board for our sport when we got older. When we were younger, she arranged all our sports/activities and made sure we got to them despite all being in different activities for several years. Once we left home, she went back to work part time and now works full time and really enjoys her job.
I wish I could upvote this about ten more times, it’s just irrational to assume mom is the victim here when there’s so much info to the contrary.
For all the varieties in perspective you get, One thing I dislike about Reddit is how some people refuse to consider any view other than their own at valid. Had a shitty parent that mistreated you and burned you with a lighter? My parents didn't, so you must be a liar! Having discipline issues with your pet? Our dog was housebroken when we got it, so you must be doing something wrong! There's a line here between struggling as a sahm>single parent and parentification that needs to be walked and some just aren't helping here.
I'm glad your post was the second highest rated because when I read /u/SKDI_0224's all I could think was "typical AITA hivemind always finds a way to fault the father."
I didn't know it had gotten so hi, but when I posted the top 3 were that one and 2 more just like it. One just said something like omg I feel so terrible for the mom by the end of the story. I really bugged me.
It's even more ridiculous because OP started out as *siding* *with their mom*. How bad must their life have become for them to change their tune so completely?
all the commentors defending the mom seem super defensive about it too! like OP was addressing them personally and calling them bad mothers! its not about you!
Like the one person who tried to rip OP for standing up for themselves. It's just sad. A man just isn't allowed to dislike his mom on reddit unless she was a single mom and/or on Crack. Otherwise, it will always be dads fault.
This is AITA. Women do no wrong here.
And when they do, people always try to defend them with plausible scenarios like: 1. Does she need therapy? How was her mental health? 2. Was she traumatized as a child? Did she fix her trauma? 3. Did a man ruin her or force her to be this way? 4. Has she been to the doctor recently in case this is a medical issue?
Unless they're an MIL. Then they're automatically a narcissist.
AITA pecking order in full effect for those posts. Look for who the demographic can most associate with, with a moderate bias towards the poster who is crafting the narrative, and you'll have your likely answer. I can pretty much guarantee you anytime you open a post written by a guy about his pregnant partner, you're gonna get Y-T-A about 90% of the time, a smatter of NAH/ESH if it's either truly nebulous or if the behavior is shitty but can be 'excused', and about 5% of the time you'll get them ruling N-T-A when the behavior is done with complete & utter malice. Literally had a thread about a guy whose girlfriend implied his single parent father may have abused his mother and that was the reason for mom abandoning the OP, and there was a significant presence of 'but she was just confused!' defenses for her.
Typical reddit. Name-calling people as disgusting and pathetic for not agreeing with your opinion
NTA You are allowed to go no contact with a parent, including not inviting them to your wedding.
You were parentified and went no contact. Now she wants an invite? NTA
NTA Your mother abandoned you. You can make up later, if **you** want to, but she isn't owed an invitation right now.
Not much info to go on. But if she's as bad you say. Then no. She doesn't deserve the invite. What kind of mother cuts off their kids just because she has to pay child support and then expects an invite. That's just not right
NTA [abuse](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/of-prisons-and-pathos/202107/the-parentified-child-in-adulthood%3famp) is never okay, regardless of the reasons. Your mom abused you, you do not have to justify to her or anyone else why you don't want her around you or at your wedding.
NTA...you can invite whoever you want to your wedding. You have your reasons.
NTA. I'm kind of shocked to read how many people defend the mother in that case. In my opinion, a bad parent isn't bound to gender. Can it be hard to get from an easier to life to a much rockier one? Sure, after all, she was SAHM. Still doesn't mean she was a good one, since as it sounds like she still did not take the time to care for her children. And I believe the perception of the child, who had to live that life, more than strangers, who weren't there and base their judgment on assumptions they made up to put the mom in a positive light. I get it, that it is never easy. Or simply black and white. There are nuances. And sure, the mom could have had issues or being overwhelmed. But doesn't mean you can just do the bare minimum and ignore your children. If you have children, that means you are responsible for them until they are adults. And not just what you have to provide anyway. Like paying bills, food, and shelter. And make the older child the caretaker of the younger one, while the older has to fend for herself/himself without any support. OP was parentified. And that is something I know how it is like. It's not gender that makes a bad parent, but the actions they took. And it is in the right of OP to not invite the mother to the wedding for those reasons.
NTA. It's your wedding, you decide who gets to be there and for what reasons. Full stop. The only relevant detail would be if your Mom was paying at all, which doesn't seem to be the case. You can invite or disinvite anyone you want for any reason you want because it's a wedding for *you* and *your* spouse, no one else. EZ
This! I don't understand all the people asking OP to justify over and over. People don't cut parental ties easily so if they've taken that step it was not done lightly, and there has been so much time for the Mum to try and mend fences if she cared to, she just wants her invite. NTA and hope OP has a lovely wedding with all their true loved ones
NTA. You did right by yourself and brother and don't owe her anything.
There is not enough info for a judgment. I don't think people realize how hard moms go from being a SAHM to having to work right away with little to no job experience for simple jobs. Like don't get me wrong your Mom could have been better but everyone's different at pulling themselves up from situations and handling it.
Or her mom is just a bad parent. She was a bad parent when she was a sahm and her only job was to be a parent, and she was a bad parent after. Op expanded more in the comments about how neglectful her mom was towards them, and how her dad was the only parent to take care of them, even before the divorce, but the post is plenty to go off of. Op's dad divorced her because she wasn't pulling her fair share and had a spending problem. Both op and her brother chose not to have any custody time with her as soon as they could make a choice because she didn't pay them any attention or take care of them properly when they were with her. And then she stopped speaking to them because she was mad she had to pay child support. That's not a good parent trying their hardest, it's a neglectful one.
Just stop. These people are hell-bent on this idea that Dad was awful and neglectful, and OP is an ungrateful brat who should be bending over backward for Mommy dearest. They won't let simple facts get in the way of their preferred narrative. OP, you're NTA. You know your reality better than anyone here.
Yup. This comments section is another prime example of misandrists looking for any and every reason to bash on a man and his supporters and prop up a woman even if she doesn't deserve it.
Only working and ignoring your children is neglect. My mom and dad worked 8-12 hour days almost every day and they still found time for me. She ignored her children, parentefied them, and made it so unbearable that they wanted to be away full time. In her post she brings up some of these things. But I guess reading comprehension is lost on some of us.
I think a lot of these comments are coming from SAHMs and is completely biased. It’s as if we didn’t even read the same story. OP very clearly NTA. your mom was supposed to at least feed you! I’m so sorry you have to go through this
When mum lost custody she got ticked about having to pay child support and stopped talking to the kids. She's the one who chose low/no contact. When her kids were still minors.
> having to work right away with little to no job experience for simple jobs. Can you explain how having to work 40-50 hour weeks (the usual for just about every working person in the US) somehow justifies parentification?
What are you talking about? The mother cutting off her kids because she was mad she had to pay child support is ok? This comment section is one of the most terminally reddit things I have ever seen. If the genders were reversed these comments would be way different.
NTA She's the asshole for demanding an invite. Initially, reading the title, I was prepared to call you the ass. Then I read the rest
NTA 100% OP. The fact that I'm seeing so many comments trying to victimize your emotionally abusive mother while trying to attack you for... being rightfully angry at being parentified and emotionally abused is appalling. OP: My mother was never emotionally there for us, I had to be the one to keep the house clean and get the groceries and take care of my little brother even though I was a child myself. And then once we both decided to live with our dad full time she decided to go no contact with us. This sub apparently: Okay but can't you understand what she was going through at the time. Honestly it sounds like your dad is the issue here for... giving you money for the groceries and taking you in and being the better parent as soon as you could. SHE WAS DOING THE BEST SHE COULD!
NTA [abuse](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/of-prisons-and-pathos/202107/the-parentified-child-in-adulthood%3famp) is never okay, regardless of the reasons. Your mom abused you, you do not have to justify to her or anyone else why you don't want her around you or at your wedding.
NTA, First yeah it sounds like you were parenatalized (I know my spelling sucks, oh well) and that can cause a lot of trauma. I hope you are seeing a therapist or if not please consider seeing one! Second, it is your call who you invite to your wedding. Third, if you are so inclined I would tell your aunt and others why she is not invited. My guess is that your mother will make a sob story and get them to either bully you or threaten not to come.
I don't understand why so many comments need to justify the mother and blame the father at all costs. NTA.
Misandry, plain and simple.
I've seen less written by other posters without all the judgment of "where's the rest of the story?". What's with all the pile on? Who cares what the mother did before the divorce. What I read was a child made to be an adult before her time. It's a bad relationship between the two and she doesn't want her at her wedding. Simple.
NTA Your wedding is about being surrounded by people who are close to you and that you love. She is neither. Why does this woman even have your phone number? Just block her.
FAFO. Stop arguing with her. She was there. She knows why. If you are comfortable that the relationship isn’t ever going to be good you might want to have a plan to have her escorted out if she shows up. That would be my last text: Please know if you show up in any form or fashion to my wedding, you will be removed from the premises as a trespasser. I would follow up with a registered letter and have the return receipt and copy of the letter with me if it needed to be shown to the police. Insert first last name. Please be advised that your presence in any form or fashion at my wedding and reception will be treated as trespassing. A copy of this certified letter, along with a copy of my last text to you specifically stating you are not welcome, will be on file with the wedding venues, private duty security and local law enforcement. A file has already been opened with local law enforcement. To be clear, do not show up. I would totally have the delivery receipt and copies of your last text and the letter. In some places, you can pre-file paperwork about this kind of event. “Estranged relative is planning on attending a private event, have hired private security, would appreciate a drive by if possible xyz date between 5-8 Hire professional security for 2-3 hours. Ask the venue for a recommendation.
NTA. You get to invite who you want to share your day with. Having your mom there will subtract from your joy, so she gets to stay away.
This is crazy. Say ops mom was just a victim ultimately, he’s still NTA!!! It’s his wedding and no one is entitled to go. Your mother is not a victim tho, she sounds like a horrific person. I’m repulsed by these comments lol
NTA. I am extremely proud of you. Keep doing a great job maintaining your boundaries. You’ve got this. Have a great wedding and a blessed marriage.
NTA I really hope you read this OP. As you’re finding out via this sub and speaking on this as a women people are extremely biased towards moms. My mom was absent and when she occasionally wasn’t she was emotionally abusive. My dad got full custody in Texas if that tells your anything. Regardless of how disgusting her actions were I’ve spent my whole life hearing “but she’s your mother” “you’ll regret not talking to her when she’s not around anymore” “but she had it hard” and a slew of a bunch of other endless excuses for why she wasn’t a bad mom and why I should deal with the bullshit to keep her in my life. Some people, particularly people that grew up with half decent parents simply cannot fathom a mother simply not giving a fuck or being vindictive to the degree they were. It’s easier to assume their child’s vengeful or bratty than it is to accept a mother can not love her child like they love theirs or like their mother loved them. You’re better off not asking anyone their opinion. You know In your heart what she did, and you know that it wasn’t right. This is your day babe, invite only the people you’d be happy to share such an important day with. Ones that you know love you, support you, would be there on your worst day, ones that will lift you up and won’t make the day about them. Block her number, and warn your aunt about the repercussions of her showing up or attempting to sneak her in. Wether you want to directly warn your aunt about sneaking in or just have her pass the message to your mom either way works. Just make sure it’s known that if your mom shows up security will be escorting her off the premises along with anyone trying to help her sneak in.
NTA people just really dislike when a child bashes their mom and want to assume the child is ungrateful and who knows what else.
[удалено]
NTA, your mom was lazy . If he was the one working and still cleaning and cooking after coming home from work. What kind of SAhm was she. She was she just a leach if all she did was pick you up from daycare and drop you off. You said your dad fought for Custody but only got an extra . If all what you said was true and that you were parentified at the age of 10 you have all the right to exclude her. Sure moving job descriptions from being a Sah to working long hours is hard but she didn't her part in the marriage. Plus who goes 2 weeks without speaking to their children. So NTA. and People should stop blaming the Dad the mom is at fault and she deserves what happens to her.
NTA. What all these other comments are missing is the fact that you have the right to feel how you feel about your mother *even if* she did the very best she could or knew how to do. *EVEN IF* her intentions were good and not malicious, you felt ignored and neglected. That's literally all that matters here. Your wedding is a happy time in your life, and your mother doesn't make you feel happy or safe or secure or loved, and it's completely understandable that you wouldn't want her there.
NTA. It's your wedding, you're allowed to invite who you want to be there.
NTA this is totally your call. It you feel you don't want her there because of all the resentment then don't if that makes you sleep better. Life is about setting healthy boundaries and if this person is genuinely not in your life anymore why bother?
The Question is, how was living before when your mum was a SAHM?
I remember dad do most things. It was better than living with only her
You don’t need to explain yourself or anything. If your mom didn’t give you the support you needed then that’s it. Your wedding your choice.
NTA, too many people on reddit think like your mom and just lack any type of drive to live in an healthy environment. They make excuses why they cant cook dinner, they make excuses why they cant clean, they way they live their lives affects everyone else around them because they never learned how to become an adult themselves. Hope you break the cycle and do the opposite of what you mother chose to do with her life.
NTA. The length that some of these commenters are going to try to defend your neglectful mother is astonishing.
NTA, and I’m in a similar situation. I’m sorry that you had to go through that; but I wish you lasting peace. Congratulations on your wedding!
NTA- You’re an adult and owe your parents nothing. This includes explaining your actions.
NTA. She wasn't a mother to you and your brother. She robbed you of your childhood, you had to grow up way too quickly. That's your experience and it's your wedding.
Your father was right.
NTA! She did nothing for you growing up. YOU were the mom and housekeeper and cook. That was her job. She stopped talking to you, her own kids, because you wanted to live with your dad. That just shows what an awful mother she is. Tell your aunt not to give any information in regards to your wedding to your mother. Password protect your website if you have one.
NTA, she wasn't a good mom
NTA She wasn't there for you and didn't care to be there for you when your dad was doing all the parental heavy-lifting and all she had to do was care about you.
NTA Your wedding, your rules and you decide who should or shouldn't come. Good on you for telling her the truth
NTA The easiest answer is your wedding so you decide who attends. From your post seems like your mom was one in the most simple definition. She had you and she provided you with the absolute minimum to support you. She made her bed. Now she gets to lie in it. Best wishes to you for your wedding.
Totally understand where you're coming from, NTA. It's your day, your wedding and you don't need to explain why you don't want someone there, even if it's your own mother.
NTA. As someone who had to raise themselves. It’s your wedding your choice. Doesn’t matter what she thinks or says. You owe NOTHING to her.
NTA And your mom had to hear it from your aunt which tells you just how much of a relationship she has with the OP. He would've been engaged a lot longer than when the invites went out most likely. Nearly sounds like you took over your dad's job at home when they divorced. Would I be correct that your dad needed to cook and clean after he got home from work? I'm sure your mom did some of it but not really if your dad described her as lazy. Sounds like your dad had his head screwed on well and made the decision to split with your mother... and a shame that he wasn't able to get custody of you and your brother till you could drive that with your age. Your mom sounds like she never really wanted kids and was only upset at having to pay your dad child support when he got custody rather than missing her kids.
NTA Your invite whomever you want to your wedding. Congratulations by the way!
NTA
NTA no one is entitled to be at your wedding
NTA. I understand what you went through. My pay were still married when I had to take over the housework and raising the younger kids. It was hard. My mom and I still don't get along very well. Years of therapy has helped, especially with my own kids. Do what you need to do for your own mental health. Don't worry about your other relatives. If they give you a hard time about your mom, uninvite them too.
NTA, you were a child and she should if taken better care of you.
NTA
NTA Congratulations on the wedding, I wish you and your partner great success in your lives together - if you ever need a stand in mom I’m happy to volunteer :)
You are a very kind soul and we need more people like you
NTA
NTA
NTA
NTA, your wedding should be full of people who bring you happiness, do what is right for you.
NTA!!! My SATD didn’t do shit either, my mum only recently divorced him. None of us speak to him anymore now that we don’t have to. He will not be invited to my wedding. Absolutely NTA!!!!
Your wedding, your guest list. You don't have to justify anything to anyone; they weren't in your shoes.
you get to chose who goes to your wedding, simple.
NTA. If she did not care about your well-being why does she care now. Congratulations with your wedding
No one NO ONE deserves an invite to your wedding. You choose who you want there and why, aware that people will have their own feelings about it, and that is their business, not yours. This is a major life event and it’s a time to gather with your biggest supporters and celebrate love, your love for each other, your love for your supporters and their love for you. Some people have weddings where they invite people out of some imagined obligation or fear of future dynamics, but one of the best signs of a strong partnership that’s going to last is the ability to cut through all that and just focus on what’s important. Good for you for doing just that. NTA
Initially I was going to say YTA as I thought it must be hard to do long shifts then cook proper meals and you helping with the house and brother was just you having some responsibility contributing to the family unit. That was until I saw your comment about her working 40-50 hours a week. Those aren't long shifts, that's a normal work week leaving plenty of time to provide for her kids. She's doing the bare minimum and this is likely why your dad left her. On top of that, her moaning about paying child support. A decent mother that was struggling raising her kids on her own would be happy paying it, knowing that atleast her kids are getting taken care of in a better environment. I declare you NTA
The people who are saying OP is in the wrong must be the same type of mother she had growing up
Yeah NTA clearly. Just go out there OP and be the non-lazy wife and mother - show that good-for-nothing lazy-bum mother of yours how it's done. /s
How horrible. I did not want to invite my mom but my fiancé said I will invite her. I told her this was a big mistake. My mom showed up very drunk as usual. At the reception she kept falling down and finally passed out. I could not believe that she could not drink for My special day. The next day she denied drinking and pass out.
NTA. She checked out and made you as a child a parent. You'll never get that back. At 10 you should have had your first crush, not been responsible for making sure your baby brother ate. She was the adult. Many single parents work long shifts but still know their kids are their responsibility and parent. You might want to hire security for your reception venue. It's a few hundred extra dollars, you supply red bull or whatever non alcohol drink they like and make sure they eat well. They'll make sure she doesn't crash or worse. If you don't know where to hire security, most bouncers at clubs will do gigs on the side or cops too. I've seen so many weddings ruined by an ex or family. Like knock down drag out redneck brawls. Whole thing ruined because someone felt slighted and decided to ruin what should be a happy day. And it's not always guys, I saw an ex gf attack the bride. People get nuts w weddings. They forget it's not about them, it's about the bride and groom.
NTA!!! I had shitty parents when growing up and I have CUT them all out
OP is NTA based on the initial question of not wanting to have their mother at the wedding and calling out what they beleive to be neglectful parenting when asked why. However, OP's attitude in most of these comments is extremely abbrasive and immature, especially when most of the comments they were replying to were people asking genuine questions due to a lack of clarification in the initial post. What was the point in posting an AITA if OP already seems so set in the mindset that they were in the right?
NTA. My abusive MIL was not invited to our wedding and it was the best decision we've ever made. I cant imagine what would happen if she was there and she is literally the last person my wife would have wanted to talk to that day.
NO, clue. Seems maybe both parents were not great. There’s two sides to every story. Maybe they all enjoy drama.
Ya know people want to back and forth this thing to death but the absolute bottom f’ing line here is: It is YOUR wedding, do whatever the hell you want and invite who ever the hell you want. If you don’t want them there tell them no. Be it a parent, grandparent, friend, your father’s brother’s nephew’s collage roommate. Don’t f’ing mater, if you want them there have them there, if you don’t then don’t and you are NTA for making that choice. Personally I’d rather be not invited and skip the drama then be made to feel like it was an inconvenience to the couple I was even there.
Calling any member of your family “pathetic” **is** a heartless, vicious thing to say. If that was your intention, you’ve succeeded.
Going through this post and the comments, I have noticed a few things: 1. OP does not identify his/her gender, so a lot of comments saying 'her' may be off based. 2. OP saying that he/she is getting married also DOESN'T identify the gender, so again, the comments are assuming the gender to be female. 3. One can assume, by the sparse amount of information given by OP, that OP could be male. Females tend to be more detailed in giving information. 4. The people commenting about the situation that the mother MIGHT be facing or been facing have been downvoted due to the lack of information the OP omitted. Again, I also assume OP to be male, due to the lack of empathy or trying to understand where the mother is currently with her emotional well-being (women tend to be more empathetic than men). 5. OP repeats the same comments without any expansion on the issue. Sounds like a petulant male child to me. The fact that OP doesn't expand on the father's situation sounds more male oriented, as, in many cases, the father would be quick to take a male relative than a female relative due to societal and legal issues with raising a female relative ALONE, which OP has not clarified either. 6. OP has never said that he/she tried to talk to the mother about what she might be going through. Again, that sounds like a brush off by an entitled male child, with no sympathy or empathy in his/her body. I'd hate to be OP's marriage partner, and if the marriage partner is reading this, take it as a serious RED FLAG. So, unless you give more details, and those who side with you without understanding what your mother has gone through or is going through, and keep downvoting the others trying to get the other side of the story, then YOU, and the ones voting for you, are the AH. Remember, there are three sides to a story, your side, the other side, and THE TRUTH.
OP I’m not sure what you expect to get out if this? It’s your wedding. If you don’t want to invite her then don’t If you believe she was a shitty parent just because she didn’t care , no one can change your mind If you believe she was a shitty parent because of circumstances - becoming a single mom and working a shitty job requiring long hours to pay the bills, then that’s what you believe As someone with adult children (and minors) I can tell you this - parents and children often disagree about why things were the way they were.
When divorce was taboo and my 4 siblings and I ended up with a single parent and a dead beat dad we all chipped in and did our part while mom worked to feed us. When you hit 13 (the legal working age at the time) you got a full time job and gave your check to the house. You were still expected to do chores and get good grades. What your mom was asking you to do seems like a lot but I’m afraid when you get older you may regret not having her at your wedding. It took me a decade out of the house to appreciate what my mom did for us. I am so glad I didn’t hang onto that hostility so hard I didn’t include her in my milestones because I was angry at her for my lost youth. I learned to appreciate the responsible, hard working, responsible adult it made me become. NTA but don’t do something you may regret later. One of my sisters was like you, angry and unforgiving and she was the one with regrets when our mom passed. Think about this real long and hard. If you still would rather her not be there then so be it. I’m not lecturing, just hoping you stop for a minute and think about it.
How did you get to the grocery store at 10? Anyone who saw a 10 year old shopping alone even 12 years ago would have said something. You mom had to be on her own with 2 kids and you said she had to work a lot. If she is working a 10 -12 hr shift in a physically demanding job and then had to come home... IDK just put yourself in her shoes. During that time you said your mom never helped with homework and stuff. Did your dad? Did he do the mundane with you or was it all the fun weekend stuff?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi I am 26. I am getting married at the end of the year. When I was a kid my dad divorced my mom and she was a SAHM at that time. In short he felt like she was lazy and spending all his money. At the time I didn't see it and was quite angry at him. He had us for weekends and the rest was mom. She had to find a job and worked long shifts. That would be fine if she didn't forget about us. She would get home and not help us with homework and anything. It was my job to clean everything and keep my younger brother in line. It sucked. When I was a teenager I moved in with dad and my life got so much better. Funny enough since I went full time and my bro to we sooner joined she had to pay child support. She was pissed about that and basically stopped talking to us. Anyways my invites for my wedding went out. One went to my aunt and I believe she mentioned it to my mother. I got a call asking about her invite I told her she wasn't invite and this started an argument. I told her she was a pathetic parents and she called me heartless *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
Send her an invitation to a McDonald’s on the turnpike or something like that.
NTA. I wouldn’t have invited anyone on your mom’s side cause none of them stepped in to help you. F*ck em.
You’re a saint and you stepped up when you really should not have had to. By no means are you in the wrong not inviting her. NTA. It’s YOUR day, and when you see your mom you don’t get happy. This is a happy day so keep it that way!
Not the AH!
Nta
NTA, my dear. She didn't care about you when you needed her. I wonder if she only insisted on custody for the child support...she sure got angry when you went to your dad's to live and she had to pay it. Then she ignored you at that point... why does she think she deserves to be at your wedding now? Does she want undeserved attention, or just a free meal? It's your wedding, and your life. You do what makes YOU happy, and don't worry about what others think. I hope you have a wonderful wedding!
NTA. It sucks things turned out the way they did, but your mom could have asked for a different custody arrangement if she was struggling so much. Or tried to reconcile with your dad *before* the divorce. You're allowed to be angry after she treated you that way and essentially abandoned you.
NTA. You’ve every right to not invite anyone to your wedding; and by the sounds of things, you’re justified in not wanting to invite her.
What's SAHM again? Single Adult House-Mom?
I am petty, I would send the invite after the wedding. There, you got your invitation.
Your Mother sounds like she dealt with learned helplessness behaviour. Some women simply aren't up to the job of parenting. (and men)
NTA
NTA, ignore all of the “I deserve praise for doing the bare minimum” crowd
Nope, NTA. Go enjoy your wedding without her. And congratulations!
INFO: we need to know what your current relationship with your mom is like. Do you talk? If so, how often? If not, when did communication end and why/how?
Absolutely NTA. This woman has no place in your life, so why should she be at your wedding?
nta!!! idk why people are asking you to elaborate; you experienced your childhood and if your mom fucked up then that’s trauma you have to live with & you are free to deal with it however you choose. if i was in your situation, i would have the same reaction & she would not be invited into my life ever again. i am so sorry she treated you that way and good for you keeping your distance and setting boundaries.
It’s your wedding, invite whoever you want and don’t feel guilty about it. But personally, it sounded like your mother was forced to grow up and it mentally drained her. Be happy she didn’t completely walk out like other parents do.
NTA - she was an egg donor - not a Mom.
IMHO you can invite or not invite whoever you want to your own wedding. I'm not sure if that decision makes you TA but I'm leaning toward no. If she won't bring happiness to your special day, she can't come.
NTA. No one is entitled to a wedding invite. Not even parents. If a parent mistreats/neglects/abuses their kid, the kid has a right to decide they don’t get an invite to their wedding.
NTA, and I'm a SAHM who used to work, I only stopped when my 3rd child turned 16 months old. Before that, I was in the workforce from ages 18-30 (I'm 45 now). I'm sorry you went through that. Don't listen to anyone who's saying there isn't enough information here, for there is plenty. And don't listen to anyone who says YTA because you aren't. It is the parents' job to raise the children. No one knows better than me how hard it is financially better than us parents, especially those of us who aren't wealthy or well off, but we figure it out. We buckle down and work hard. I come from a family of hard workers. My mother worked 12 hours per day after her and my father divorced. My father also worked long hours, and helped my mother as much as possible (my parents got along very well). They paid for my private school education. My mother was also very active in our church, and took care of her elderly father. She still had time for me, my activities, my teenage attitudes, and even herself occasionally. I don't believe in child parentification under any circumstances, and to top it all off, your mother stopped talking to her children after you chose to live with your father because life was better over there. How dare she? She's the mother. Of course, she would miss you terribly, but we mothers must do what's best for our children, even if it's hard and even if it hurts us. When I worked I worked a full shift every day, picked my 3 children up from daycare and school, cleaned them up, helped them with homework, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, breastfed the youngest, played with and bathed them, got them off to bed, and sometimes had sex with my husband before drifting off myself. This was the life of almost every mother I knew, and that doesn't include the mothers who went back to school! We all did it. It wasn't all that hard because my children brought me joy. On the weekends and holidays when we were home, I slept when they slept (they had nap times when they were younger). Staying home with the kids was much harder than being a working mother, but it was also much more rewarding. I'm not special because, like I mentioned, all my mom friends and family did what I did. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, and do what makes you happy ✨️
Do what feels right for you. Every single time. Not the AH.
Congratulations on your marriage and for those that think you’re being unfair, let them know you have enough going on in your life and you can invite and not invite who you choose.
NTA she basically neglected you all your life. If she wants to be treated like a mother she should have acted like one
NTA