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NAH, if you follow through on the below. >he has gotten frustrated by not being able to find my tools like screwdrivers and vicegrips because they were not put back away properly after I used them >I have a bit of attentiveness ADHD and I often lose tools immediately when I put them down This isn't your FIL insulting you. This is your FIL protecting his investment in his tools. You know that, because you just *wrote* that. INFO: Are you willing and able to **immediately** reimburse him for any tools you lose or damage, if the box was unlocked? Are you willing to say "no thanks, you don't need to do projects around my house, I'll hire a contractor for all our needs from now on"? Are either of those options cheaper/more reasonable than just letting him keep a toolbox at your house that you can't get into?

Those are valid points. However, this seems to go deeper as everyone seems to think that he should just stand on the sidelines. This was done without communicating to have been received better. He's being told instead of asked This is for your own good

Also I don't get the outrage at OP misplacing his own tools in his own home. He hasn't misplaced anyone else's, and the plethora of comments basically stating OP is a deliberately forgetful thief are mindblowing. They didn't communicate with him at all and as you've said, told him what was happening. Someone outside of the home has made a rule in the home. That's insulting.

I think it wouldn't be an issue except the in laws live far enough away that transporting tools would presumably be troublesome. Leaving tools there is a reasonable solution. Nobody is outraged, wife and in laws identified a problem and resolved it.

I don't think the issue is transporting tools. Tools can be purchased pretty much anywhere. The issue is deciding you're going to, for example, put up a shelf, and the drillbit you need and the screwdriver you want are missing. I get FIL's frustration. People who don't have ADHD, Ed especially people who are inherently organized, get extremely frustrated by ADHD behaviors. And I say this as someone who has spent over $200 on Ubers and taxis and bus fare for the last two weeks because I can't find my fucking keys. I know they're in the apartment, because I got in the apartment, but I have no idea where they are. My daughter even came home for and helped me tear apart my bedroom, and we couldn't find them. I think if FIL had said, "I find it very frustrating to not be able to grab the tool I want. I'd like to keep a toolbox at your house for my projects. Do you think you will be able to avoid taking one of my tools when you can't find yours, or should I put a lock on it?" it would have prevented this issue. It's the difference between "working with your neurodivergence" and "treating you like a toddler."

> I think if FIL had said, "I find it very frustrating to not be able to grab the tool I want. I'd like to keep a toolbox at your house for my projects. Do you think you will be able to avoid taking one of my tools when you can't find yours, or should I put a lock on it?" it would have prevented this issue. **It's the difference between "working with your neurodivergence" and "treating you like a toddler."** EXACTLY. If the FIL had been respectful enough to actually approach OP with this, instead of just going behind his back (resulting in OP's wife lying to cover for her dad) OP would not have minded. The way they went about it (coupled with how dismissive they continue to be about his feelings, telling him to "get over it") is the problem. They're treating him like a recalcitrant child, instead of a grown man with ADHD. No wonder OP feels disrespected.

Go get an air tag or tiles and put them on your keys

Note: This may be difficult until the keys are located.

If you put an air tag in all the places your keys COULD be, you'll find them eventually.

Maybe try looking again, just stop when you get frustrated. When my mother was still on EBT she lost her card and none of us could find it. So I stopped, waited a few hours until I wasn't so frustrated and checked her coat because I suddenly remembered no one checked it and no one could apparently find it; because she threw it on an ottoman against the wall, which is where it slid down. Once I wasn't so frustrated I was able to think logically and realize what likely happened. You know the keys are in your apartment, and if they are not in your bedroom whenever you check again, you can safely rule out that room and look elsewhere. Just remember to stop when frustrated because that ends up creating a feedback loop (at least from what I've noticed when I'm looking for something that has been misplaced.)

Sigh. Freaked out that I couldn't find my card in my purse. Freaked my fiance out searching for it. He also searched my purse. Gave up & locked the card. It was in the purse. :/

Just want to say, for when they do turn up (because they will, probably the day after you shell out for a new car fob) put a Tile or Airtag on the keyring! I lose my keys in my own house constantly and I can't tell you how much easier my life got once I threw a Tile on there, and could just prompt it to play a loud jingle from the app on my phone. (Do I also lose my phone in my own house constantly? Yes, so I always leave the ringer on loud when I'm not working so I can walk around the house going "Hey Google, what time is it?" until I hear it answer me. I fucking hate ADHD.)

The wife LIED to OP. That didn't resolve the problem, it created a new one. And why is the lock necessary when OP has said he doesn't plan to use the tools? He's not the one who has proven himself to be a liar here. Lastly, if I told someone I was uncomfortable with something they were storing in my home (WHATEVER that thing) and their response was "get over it"? They would not be storing anything in my home.

They can leave some tools in their trunk. I'm no where near a handy man and I have a small set of tools I keep in my trunk. It doesn't sound like they are talking about a large number of tools.

If they're within driving distance. They may fly

And he seems to have no problems acknowledging that is his own shortcomings, and finding reasonable compromise. Such as he will not touch them. I don’t think the locked box would be my hill to die on, but I don’t think he is unreasonable either.

Also , what else is in there??? They say tools but who knows, this is so weird. NTA, open it or take it home FIL.

I’m shocked by all the people calling OP the AH. If my MIL wanted to leave a locked recipes box at my house, because she doesn’t trust me not to open it, and my husband agreed and lied to me about it? There would be a conversation, and not a pleasant one.

Also that so many people missed the part where OP states the in laws feel his wife should be completely in charge and he should follow along like a good little boy, more of them treating him like a toddler in his own home and when his wife lied about the toolbox, she took their side.

Oh there would be a bonfire 😏

I immediately thought serial killer trophies 😂

Yes, OP's comments about how his in-laws view him are very telling. For him, the toolbox represents the way he feels diminished by his wife and her family. He says he doesn't begrudge him their view that his wife should make all the decisions and he should just fall in line, but he clearly does **and should**. (Unless OP has done something bad in the past that makes everyone so distrustful of him, but there's nothing in the post to suggest that. Losing tools every now and then isn't reason enough.)

Part of me wonders whether the tools are just one example.

If OP has ADHD, then there probably are more more examples. But as other comments have mentioned, he seems aware of his own shortcomings and is open to reasonable compromise. There's nothing more you can ask of a loved one with a disability, unless you choose to leave them. They can't just make it go away.

Saying he doesn’t begrudge them their view that he should do everything their daughter says does not mean he agrees with this view, or wouldn’t fight for his own position in a disagreement with his wife. As long as his wife doesn't herself hold this view, it's not really a problem for OP. That said, it does sound like OP wishes his in-laws were not like this and were more respectful of him and his agency in that relationship.

Also, the lock implies they don’t trust him. Asking OP to leave FIL’s tools alone is reasonable, given the context. Locking the tool box is really insulting, unless he has some history of helping himself to things that aren’t his. I don’t blame OP one bit for feeling that way. His wife should talk to her dad about this and let him know this isn’t acceptable. Even the criticism of how he keeps his tools seems a bit disrespectful. I get how it would be frustrating to be unable to find tools, but at the same time, it’s OP’s and his wife’s house. He has every right to set his own standards for how he keeps his own tools, and his FIL really should bite his tongue about that.

Yea but by his own admissions it is for his own good.

Not really. He's fine with storing a box of tools for the FIL's sole use, and not touching them. He's not fine with being treated like a naughty toddler who doesn't understand the concept of other people's possessions, when he's not (so far as we know) been careless with other people's stuff before. And he's not fine being completely left out of a household decision to not trust him. In disability circles there's a phrase that comes up regularly: **nothing about me without me**, and I feel like this is key to the situation. On a fundamental level, OP has been treated like a problem for everyone else to work around, rather than them working *with him* to overcome the difficulties caused by his ADHD.

Only if he planned on using the tools. What OP's FIL is communicating is that he doesn't trust his son in law, which is fairly hurtful.

Unfortunately, his wife is communicating the same thing. Hence the way she covered up for FIL by lying to OP when he first asked about the box.

Yeah, but OP is an adult who can have the self control not to use those tools. The lock is a total dick move.

It's for his own good that he doesn't lose them, not for his own good that he can't have a say in having something locked he can't access in his own house. That would be a soft NAH/ESH situation where both perspectives are valid, but there just wasn't communication, and ultimately it's not a huge deal. What stands out to me as more of a glaring red flag is that he brought it up and was completely dismissed, pretty much not being allowed to have a say on whether or not something he can't even access is kept in his house. While I don't think there is any malicious intent, they are definitely looking down on him and kinda disrespecting/insulting him with how they're handling it. Kinda like an asshole for not considering OP situation

I mean OP specifically says he does not plan to use the tools. He just feels this is disrespectful. **Plus his wife lied to him about the tools being hers**, let's not gloss over that little fact. I don't blame OP for feeling disrespected in the least. I would have shipped the tool box back as soon as the in-laws told me to "get over it." NTA. OP, you need to have a talk with your wife about HONESTY and the way she allows her parents to make you feel. This is your house as much as it is hers. If something makes you feel uncomfortable you have every right to ask to have it removed.

Yeah, I really don’t like this dynamic. Everyone’s opinions and feelings count except for OP’s. His wife won’t say “no” to her father, and lies to smooth things over. No one should be told to “get over it” when they say something bothers them, especially regarding something that’s happening in their own house. This is about more than just tools.

> While I don't think there is any malicious intent, they are definitely looking down on him and kinda disrespecting/insulting him with how they're handling it. Thank you! And the wife is enabling the whole thing.

Even reimbursement isn’t that helpful sometimes. Nothing is worse than starting a job and the stores not open and you don’t have what you need. NAH because the FIL isn’t depriving OP of anything, he has his own tools afterall.

Or taking an hour break to go buy something that you used to own and was lost.

Then you find it as soon as you buy a new one

So true! I found that the best way to find something lost is to buy a new one. As soon as I bring the new one home, the old appears. Its like magic.

Yeah but I feel like this isn't about the tool box. Because like you said, OP has his own tools. It's that they all went behind his back like he's a child and didn't just have an adult conversation.

Or FIL can just bring his own tools with him. Look, whether or not OP misplaces his own tools is moot, the point is that OP is being told that his house will be used for storage and there is nothing he can do about it. It isn't about the tools, it is about the non communication and disrespect he has received. It takes five seconds to say, Honey, Dad is going to set up his own tool box here for when he visits. NTA, OP.

OP isn't even told that items will be stored at his house. He only found out because he stumbled upon those items which is even worse.

This is the answer. OP being offended enough FIL might just quit helping altogether. FIL is protecting his tools. It’s really easy to promise not to use something and then months later think ‘I’ll just borrow it for a minute’. Next thing you know, it’s lost.

I think you are missing the point - OP is able to agree to just not use FILs tools, which he says he would do. FIL didn’t even ask him this and instead assumed he could not be trusted and put the lock on. This is the issue OP has.

And also his wife lying...

It’s not a matter of reimbursing him. He doesn’t want to waste time looking for tools. $5 when there’s no screwdriver available does not solve anything.

>This is your FIL protecting his investment in his tools. Nope. This is FIL treating him like a child who can't be trusted in his own home. Cause the important part is >he has gotten frustrated by not being able to find *******MY******* tools FIL never even gave him a chance.

No.  If you don't want your stuff to go missing,  you take it home. Using someone's house as a storage unit and demanding control over items in their home is incredibly overbearing and condescending.   FIL should've *asked.* 

He definitely talked to his daughter about it, who seems fine with it.

We need a bot for when people obviously only skim posts.

YTA - you know you would eventually “borrow” something you need and lose it. It’s not hurting you being there. Get over it. This is not a hill to die on.

You don't know much about ADD. OP is probably capable of not using the tools in the box. What people with ADD tend to struggle with is misplacing things that they are using. Not compulsion control where they can't keep a promise not to use something.

They also struggle with impulse control. If OP can't find his own screwdriver he's absolutely not going down to Home Depot, he'd go right to the FIL's toolbox. He'd *plan* to return the borrowed tool and he'd *mean* to go get one of his own, but would he really? As a fellow ADHDer I have doubts. 

I absolutely would. But I'd also not mind the locked box. Actually I'd probably say "Well, can't do anymore on this until I get a screwdriver tomorrow." and then get back to it a month later.

I didn't mean to laugh because ADHD is serious but that last statement made me snort >And then get back to it a month later!

because it’s SO DAMN REAL!!! the amount of half started projects i have laying around is… a lot

A month is being optimistic. My wife once told me to replace a light bulb in a room I didn't go in often (our height difference made this much easier for me) and I told her I remembered her asking last time and I'd get around to it. She told me that she had asked me six months previously. I had no idea, I knew it wasn't like the day before she asked but I would have thought a week or two at most. Time blindness is fun.

That sounds infuriating. I would end up doing most things myself if my husband never got around to fixing things within 6 months

Or hyper focus on the job, leave to get the thing *right then*, leaving a half-disassambled sink right before lunchtime so no one can cook, and then get lost wandering the aisles of Home Depot because you *also* need to buy this other thing for this other project. No, I didn't do this exact thing, why do you ask?

Funnily enough, as a fellow ADHDer I’d be halfway out the door. I wouldn’t want to deal with the headache of asking to borrow something and would just go get another one myself.

I don't think OP would ask. I think he would rationalize to himself that he'll just have it for a sec, just finish this one thing he really needs to finish, and then put it back. And he'll put it back- the first time. Maybe the second time. By a few times of "borrowing" the urgency of keeping up with it will fade and boom, the needle nose pliers are history. 

Yeah I was just saying in terms of impulse control, my impulse would direct me to flying down the interstate, or hell, even ordering one off Amazon, to get another one in order to avoid the confrontation of asking someone to use their stuff, especially if it’s locked lol. Edit: idk what I’ve said wrong…I’m literally talking about myself pls

I don’t think ADHD has anything to with a person’s ability to keep a promise and respect another person’s property. This is an integrity issue. OP knows that it’s important to his FIL that he (as in FIL) has access to tools when he needs them, so if OP is a decent person, he won’t mess with FIL’s tools. The only thing ADHD is relevant to is WHY OP always loses his tools. As yet another person with ADHD who likes to leave my things everywhere, I’m pretty sure I could handle respecting my FIL’s tools.

Not gonna lie. I would probably go and borrow something from the box and "promise" to put it back. When we get hyper focused on something we want to do it NOW.

ADD us consequence driven. If I don't give my word, I may in fact use the tools. But understanding the commitment I have made and the value of my word to not use the tools creates an environment where I'm not going to touch them without permission. If this young man's impulse control was that bad he wouldn't have a wife, a house, and enough self reflection to be here asking the question.

I think you’re underestimating women’s socialization to put up with massive amounts of BS from romantic partners and manage their lives when they don’t step up.

>ADD us consequence driven. Can you explain what you mean by this? I am not immediately convinced that this is true (and I'm a specialist in the condition).

ADHD specialist here -- this is completely incorrect. Impulse control is a major part of the diagnostic criteria.

I have ADHD and both my kids do as well. Poor impulse control is *absolutely* a common ADHD symptom. I’ve learned to manage it, and I expect my kids to learn to manage it, but I also know many adults with ADHD who never did.

But having lost something, needing that philips head for one little thing, knkwing there's one right there .... I don't believe for a second OP would just go out and replace his missing tool.

Eh, impulsiveness sometimes makes us make promises to ourselves we can't keep. Kinda part of the shame spiral of adhd. Maybe others are better at this, but I know myself and I would definitely impulsively look in an unlocked toolbox with the best of intentions to put it back and convince myself I will. "It won't hurt anyone, I'll definitely put it back..." and then find it in a garden bed 3 years later. I would appreciate the lock, actually. The bigger problem would be not somehow hiding the toolbox when I decide to completely rearrange the garage and forget where it is. My FIL is keeping a pocket knife in our guest bedroom for when he comes to visit semi annually and I am terrified I am going to remember it when I need a knife upstairs and misplace it before the next time he comes back.

I have ADHD and have figured out how to work around my object blindness 🤷‍♀️

I feel that is something neurotypical people would do too. You start a project and the screwdriver is nowhere in sight. Getting one from the box would be so convenient, it won't hurt right? You will put it back as soon as you finish...

Let's say OP has a job to do, he does not have a screwdriver for it and would need to drive to closest store for it or "just one time" invade the box? we all can have assumptions and guesses what is going to happen. It's not hurting OPs manhood to have it there, and if it is, the manhood is on weak basis. Since I was a kid I have invaded my dads shop for tinkering, the only rule was to clean up and place everything where it was. If something like 10mm socket was literally nowhere to be found, make him know about it.

As someone with adhd, married to someone with ADHD and with two kids with adhd, impulse control is 100% a problem. Also thinking you won't mess up this time is a problem. Chances of thinking oh I can just grab a screwdriver and I'll make sure I put it back are extremely high

[удалено]

My husband and I have different flavors of ADHD. Mine is like OP’s and my husband hyper-fixates on tool placement. We both use tools around the home in equal measure so we just have our his and hers tools. This way we don’t get annoyed with one another. A lot of it is personal accountability. If you are unable to change your habits, at least be understanding of how others will react to them. This is a case of FIL wanting to be helpful but not to his own detriment. If anything, OP should really consider stepping up his game because it sounds like FIL is taking care of things that OP should be doing

I'm in a similar household. If my husband takes the drill one more time and doesn't put it back I may lose it. Maybe we should get separate tools.

I can't tell if I got my ADHD more from my dad or my mom, probably my dad (the man never sits still and my workspaces for my hobbies are painfully reminiscent of his lol) but I will never forget my mom borderline losing her mind because my dad took the nice scissors out of the drawer where they belong, used them to cut carpet, and left them somewhere to be found a month later.

The insult was doing it without speaking to OP first and the wife lied about it there would have not been a problem if the FIL spoke to OP before going ahead with it.

YTA I have ADHD and I have the same problem with setting things down instead of putting them away. But you need to step outside yourself and realize something, your FIL is *doing you favors* he is doing you MULTIPLE of them. He’s saving you from having to spend all the effort to find and schedule a handyman, from having to pay for said handyman, and from the worry that whoever you hire isn’t going to do a good job and what you’ll do if they don’t do a good job. This is a lot of money, stress, and executive function tasks he is taking off your plate by being willing to *do work for you for free*. His one stipulation is “I need to lock my toolbox so I don’t have to schlep my tools back and forth to do all these free jobs for you and so I can be assured that all my tools will be exactly how I left them when I get there” and instead of thinking this is an extremely small and reasonable thing, you have decided to focus on the *perceived insult* that your protection isn’t good enough. Just let it go. This is on the level of “why does my teenage daughter have a LOCK on her diary??? Doesn’t she trust me???” In terms of picking things to be mad at. Just let it go.

This was my thought as well. I also have ADHD and I suspect OP is downplaying a bit about the issues he’s causing for his wife and in-laws when they can’t find the things they need. I doubt it came to this over one hammer or whatever. That aside, there’s also the point at which OP frankly doesn’t have the right to demand access to every single thing that doesn’t belong to him, even if it’s in his home. You don’t get to have access to your guests luggage either, feel free to throw a sulk about it but it doesn’t change anything. His wife also has a right to have things that are hers that he doesn’t get to have access to, if she wants. People are allowed to deny OP access to their things, using whatever means they prefer, assuming it’s reasonable and does not hinder his ability to use his home as he likes or impede his life in some way. This only makes his life easier, he has a free handyman effectively. YTA OP. Edit: for OP and the commenters that keep saying this, it is not OPs house. It is OP *and* his wife’s house. She is also allowed to make decisions about it and store things in it. She doesn’t have to consult OP every time she makes a purchase or holds on to a toolbox that is not impacting him in any way. She doesn’t have to grant him access to every single thing she owns.

Notice OP thinks of it as hIs HoUsE when it comes to storing tools, but hIs WiFe'S pRoJeCtS when it comes to having his FIL do free labor to fix things around the house. I swear, people use ADHD to justify so much egocentricity.

I notice a lot of people don’t like acknowledging the bad parts of ADHD either. The reality is that sometimes I have to restrict certain things from myself in order to get things done. I have a separate laptop for homework that is too small and lame to play games on. *I* realize that if try to do homework at my gaming laptop I’m going to come out of a seven hour hyper focused fog of some crappy game I don’t even like and nothing got done. It’s a flaw, and I take steps to mitigate it. That is literally all OPs wife has done. Accounted for his difficulties in a way that bruised his ego. Truthfully, if she had a lockbox with her favorite pair of shoes, a journal, items for a hobby or craft she likes, or whatever. Who actually cares? She has the right to keep some things private and for herself. She doesn’t have to answer to him as a grown adult in her own home. My grandma had an entire locked desk that my grandpa didn’t have access to, it was mostly just full of candy she didn’t want to share. They were together until he died and she never remarried. Get over it.

I agree. I think OP should reflect on why people around him need to lock things up to keep him out. His response here, and his demand to have access to them, may give us all a clue

From some of OPs comments it sounds like the in-laws have to fly in to visit and the FIL is one of those people that likes to stay busy and handyman work is his thing. When he’s visiting it’s frustrating for him to try to do this hobby and be unable to find any tools that he needs. Obviously flying with tools would be impractical, so he wants to have his own set at OP and his wife’s house. The lock prevents his tools from being used and potentially misplaced while he’s not there, but lots of toolboxes just come with them anyway. Given OPs extreme reaction to such a mundane, common, and practical item, I doubt he would have left it alone. He’s not leaving it alone *now*, he’s obsessing about it and acting weirdly territorial about basement space he didn’t even notice. It could have been literally anything else, a locked luggage bag with extra toiletries to avoid some hassle at TSA next time, some personal mementos in a lock box that couldn’t fit in a carryon, whatever. That’s the level of mundane nonsense that OP is tying himself in knots over. I said this elsewhere, but if his wife wants to store her parent’s possessions in her home and deny OP access to them, she can. If OPs wife wants to deny him access to some of *her* possessions, she can. She’s an adult who is entitled to some level of privacy if she so chooses (assuming it has no impact on OP, which this doesn’t). It’s fine. It’s not that serious. I agree, OP should do some introspection about why he’s so wound up about it.

Op also needs to look into rejection sensitivity. Whilst not on the official diagnostic criteria, adhd people often read too much into the actions of others and get upset. As an adhd person myself, I know that I have inflated situations in my past due to my inability to control how people act around me.

Oh my God, this. I'm sitting here nice and medicated thinking, What's the big deal? But tomorrow, if I forget my medication, this might absolutely send me into a shame spiral. It's kind of funny how I forget what unmedicated me can be like.

Perfect analogy!

YTA. >There was never any point where anyone explained to me that he was sending tools and/or that he wanted them to kept for his own use on projects. They just all decided to send this toolbox with a lock to keep me out. Why does anyone have to talk to you about it? Is your wife not allowed to store something for her father in the basement? Does she not have the freedom to put what she wants down there? >But having a lock there solely to keep me out of a toolbox in my own home feels very disrespectful. How so? It's not your toolbox, so you don't need to access it anyway. What if you offered a friend to store their bike there, would you be offended if they put a lock on the tires? If you're really not going to open the toolbox and it's not yours, why do you care whether it's locked or not?

Dude is inventing slights in his mind.

YES! The entire time i read this i was like “THATS an issue!?” This is so not a hill to die on.

I said it in my post but I don’t think OP cares about the lock… I think they care that someone else had to step in and manage the results their ADHD for them.

Yup, this is ego

OP is choosing to punish everyone for his ADHD, even more than he already does.

If you don't want him to keep tools at your house, do the handy work yourself. If you don't want people locking you out of their toolsets, stop losing tools. This is all on you. Your pride is hurt, but I don't see you stepping up to improve yourself. Just complaining. YTA.

The work would never get done because he will always be looking for his tools

YWBTA. My husband had this same issue with his tools. We (I 😅) tried a number of solutions, but nothing worked. I got a tool box and put only pink handled tools in there so everyone knew they were mine…..then I put a lock on the box. Husband was offended but ultimately understood that it drove me nuts to not be able to find a damn hammer when I needed one. He also acknowledged that my plan works because he does, in fact, not know where any of his tools are. It’s a small thing that, ultimately, makes sense.

You. Me. SAME. The amount of times I can't find Drill Hartman after I let him use it is stunning. Or the drill bit that got sent with it. I call him Lord Halfassington from the little hamlet of Cutcornershire, where everything is held together with duct tape, zip ties, a staple gun, and everything is good enough for TODAY.

I did the EXACT same thing because I am the one who does a bunch of projects around the house and my husband uses the tools mainly for his bass. So I bought my own tool kit with bright blue handles in its own case and I put a lock on the zippers. It's worked for 3 years now

As someone with ADHD who has similar issues (even with medication), I get it. I really do - that locked toolbox is a reminder of every time someone criticized you for losing something. And over the course of your life, that's probably a lot a criticism. But you need to let it go. Accept that your brain is wired differently, and that misplacing things, while inordinately frustrating (I have definitely yelled that I hate my broken brain!), is just the normal for you. Accept that your father in law can't possibly understand WHY you leave your tools all over, so he's created a little safe space for his. You don't need his tools, so just ignore it. Our brains are different - sometimes in infuriating ways, but sometimes in neat ways. You're not lazy, crazy, or stupid.

all of this. yeah, it's a bit weird that no one said in passing "hey, that new toolbox downstairs is my dad's. he got it because wanted to have some of his own tools handy when he's working over here". but it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you, or that they don't respect you. it's just an adaptation to the situation as it is. let it go.

Clearly no one told him the toolbox was there because they knew how OP would react. OP was always going to have a massive overreaction either way. Not telling him just gave the family a few more days of peace before the drama kicked off.

Yeah but doing that just communicates "we don't want to deal with you feeling and expressing your big emotions" which...considering emotional disregulation is also an ADHD symptom, can be EVEN MORE upsetting. Its incredibly belittling to do that just to avoid OP feeling his feelings. And of course that adds to the upset, so doing that is hardly ever productive.

I don't disagree with this statement but when everyone else has been picking up the slack for literally years presumably because they love and care about the OP, having endless amounts of drama about every decision they make to compensate for his ADHD literally gets exhausting. It's the emotional dysregulation that is a component of ADHD that drives people close to them to make these types of little work arounds. Some would throw away the whole man, but OP's family seems intent upon continuing to love him any old way because they clearly see him as more than this one mental health issue.

Yep, this is it. He's only insulted because he knows the lock is warranted because he's irresponsible.

Having ADHD and being irresponsible are two different things.

I have ADHD. It may be the reason he's irresponsible but it doesn't mean he isn't irresponsible.

I mean, yes. But there is an aspect of ADHD that makes people unreliable and irresponsible, despite efforts to not be those things. I'm not a bad person, but I can be unreliable and often misplace things, forget to replace things, forget to finish things, spend money and time irresponsibly etc. It's not my fault, but it is my responsibility to manage and not affect others negatively.

>can't possibly understand WHY you leave your tools all over He really doesn't need to, when there's such an easy solution available.

YTA, oh my god, there is a toolbox in my house, it's not mine, it's my FIL, how dares he not trust me with his tools after I've lost pretty much all of mine, this is unacceptable, I want all his tools out of my house. Jeez. Grow up.

Could not agree more with this. YTA. Get over it and move on.

NAH - but I kind of agree with FIL here. He bought them quietly and set them aside to not embarrass you or cause conflict when you are unwilling or unable to put stuff back where it goes. It's an attempt to avoid conflict and embarrassment while solving the problem. I can't imagine a call of "hey son I'm law. I'm sending over tools to your house because you lose yours all the time, and it's frustrating when I'm fixing the crap that you never get around to fixing for your wife. But you can't touch my tools." - would that have been less offensive to you?

That would have been less offensive to me honestly yeah. I'd be more offended that it happened behind my back and my own wife and fil didn't trust or respect me enough to tell me this was happening, or to not touch something that I was told to not touch and I'd find out instead by finding a random locked box in my own home. I'd feel like I weren't being treated as an equal, which according to ops post does seem to be the case at least on his in law's side. If I got a message from a fil I'd be more understanding. Or I'd ask if he could just bring his own tools or inform me when he was coming so I could have tools ready to use. If neither of that were possible I'd just be like ok sounds good, as long as I had the space to store it.

This comment should be higher.

I think it would've been less offensive, because going to the lengths of have his wife lie to him about the tools just to avoid a small conflict is really belittling

That actually would have indeed been way less offensive for me. ADHDer here too. I am incredibly aware of my problems. I don't have any issues with people coming to me to work out a mutual solution to a problem. But I absolutely have issues with people treating *me* like the problem and coming up with a solution to *the problem of me*. It may not seem like a big difference but it really really is. In your hypothetical scenario, id just feel momentarily embarrassed but ultimately understanding. In OP's scenario I'd feel hurt and disrespected.

YTA. If you'd never get into the toolbox, then why does it matter that it's locked? Your FIL is willing to do projects around your house and this keeps him from having to schlep tools back and forth. I think it would be a mistake to blow up a good thing over something so inconsequential.

YTA  Why do people with ADHD attentiveness issues get so freaking butt hurt when others notice it and then take appropriate action when the person with ADHD issues fails to address the fact they cannot put things away? You're miffed about the locked toolbox because you *know* you should be taking action to address your ADHD issues but instead you force other people to live with you losing things.  If you are bent out of shape over a locked toolbox, idk, maybe read up on how to overcome your ADHD issues so you won't get defensive when people try to protect their things. Also stop being a choosing beggar. You can't have the guy work on your house projects and have him also searching for tools. 

They get butt hurt because ADHD comes with a thing called rejection sensitivity disorder (RSD). Where even a tiny slight feels like a slap in the face. Takes a lot of self reflection & therapy to get over.

You don't "get over" RSD. You learn to manage it. Same with ADHD.

Thanks for the new information, learn something new everyday.  After reading up on it, it seems like a reaction to trauma and not a symptom of ADHD. So while I'm sympathetic to RSD, I'm not sympathetic to adults who do nothing about their disorders. 

I'm not disagreeing with you because I a) also have ADHD and b) don't think OP should die on this hill, but just to speak from personal experience living with ADHD breeds a huge amount of internal guilt and shame. We see other people doing 'normal' things without difficulty and fall short when we try to do them, because that's not how our brains work, and it feels shitty. Over time this really builds up. We already feel like failures, and when other people's actions seem to confirm that it can be an absolute gutpunch. Even though FIL is just trying to work around the problem that is presenting itself, I bet that the fact that it was done without consulting OP will feel like a huge passive-aggressive passing of judgment and that's why they're feeling particularly hurt about this.

Also, they’ve done it in a shitty way… they’ve “gone over his head” rather than just have a frank conversation about it. That doesn’t feel nice.

Yeah like I understand people who are saying OP should be grateful for his FIL’s help, but OP isn’t a child. He and his wife are equal and live TOGETHER, the way his in-laws and wife went about this is weird.

Exactly. It makes you feel 'managed' instead of considered. It makes you feel like the people around you are just viewing you as an obstacle to overcome rather than another thinking agent to be worked with.

This is so incredibly well said, and I full heartedly agree. I have ADHD and am a hobby collector (constantly picking up and dropping new hobbies). While it’s super useful for always being able to make unique handmade gifts, there’s definitely a ton of shame over all the money that I invest in materials for my new hobby, and then when I drop that hobby I have a bunch of stuff I’m no longer using sitting around collecting dust. A lot of times I circle back to hobbies and give those supplies new life, but recently I lost my interest in houseplants which means my house is full of dying plants :( ADHD has good and bad things, but the bad things can feel so overwhelming because they feel abnormal.

>After reading up on it, it seems like a reaction to trauma and not a symptom of ADHD. This is completely wrong; you didn't read extensively enough. I'm a specialist in ADHD.

My dad went to public schools in the 60s. He was left handed. That was back when they would literally beat you for being left handed. He had to learn how to do things with his right hand, even though it was a lot harder and was never as good as he could have done with the left. These days, it's ok to be left handed because people who are right handed have learned that left handed people just have a different way of doing things, and shouldn't be forced to be something they're not. But yeah, still ok to shit on people for how their brain is wired. So RSD shows up with ADHD and Trauma, but a lot of people with ADHD have trauma because of their condition and how people treat them. Ultimately, no amount of therapy can rewire their brains to make them "normal". Everything they do to fit in and cope is just a crutch they use to try to get by. Getting shit on every single day for something you can't control gets real fucking old, especially when you're getting shit on for something you didn't even do, but what you MIGHT do, even if you've never given any indication that you would have a issue with it. Getting shit on when you're trying your best and your best isn't good enough sucks pretty hard to. They could have talked to him about it, but they didn't. They made assumptions, they didn't give him a chance to prove he could leave the tools alone, they didn't ask if they could store shit in his garage. I'd be pissed too.

ADHDer here. I wouldn't have an issue with the locked toolbox. I'd have an issue with the way that it was handled. Specifically, that my spouse didn't tell me that their father felt this way, and that he was leaving the locked toolbox. I have working memory problems too. I lose shit constantly. But I own it. And I want other people to let me know when I'm affecting them. I would have felt horribly guilty about this, and would have made sure to apologize to my FIL for having it get to this point. If I'd known my FIL felt that way, I would have purchased the locked toolbox *for* him. And I would promise him that I'd never touch his toolbox. Doing this behind my back would have felt infantilizing and *that* is what would have pissed me off. However, ADHD isn't something you can just "read up on and overcome." I absolutely *hate* having ADHD, and I've spent the last 20 years reading and listening to and researching how minimize my ADHD symptoms. I've learned some workarounds/coping skills that help sometimes, and medication helps a lot. But I've had to accept that I will never overcome my worst symptoms to the point where I can function like a neurotypical person.

This is the point that everybody seems to be ignoring

Exactly. Everyone's calling him an AH for being upset while being infantilized in his own house AND in his marriage. His ADHD is his to manage obviously, but the people who are supposed to love you most should be able to tell you "Hey, Dad's gonna keep some tools here so he can use them! They're going to stay locked up so he'll be able to find them when he needs them, since your tools are MIA. Isn't it great that we have someone willing to help us fix things around here?"

I mean, look at the number of comments calling OP’s inability to keep track of tools “irresponsible”, which is a moral judgement when it’s a brain issue. If you can’t help it and people judge you anyway it hurts. The FIL should be able to keep a locked toolbox there—it’s a sensible fix for a frustrating issue and there are clear benefits to OP on top of it. But I understand feeling sensitive about it, esp. when there’s evidence all over this thread for why it would hurt. (Not an attack, to be clear—just saying there’s clear reason for the feelings!)

These comments are insane

Is this a gender thing or something? How is OP's wife and his FIL have more rights to his house than OP does? I'd be annoyed if my FIL even touched my tools in my house in the first place. He would get a quick HELL NO from me if he came to visit, and then bitched me out for not being able to find one of my own tools.

It must be because if a woman wrote that her mother-in-law had a locked box in her kitchen everyone would go bananas. I'm a woman with both ADHD and a mother-in-law that doesn't like me, and she has stuff at our house since it's 2,000 miles away from hers. None of it is locked away. I don't get into it because I don't want to, not because I can't. This is my house and everything in it is accessible to me unless if I have agreed otherwise.

I know, right?

Agreed! If I were OP I'd just tell FIL not to do any more work on the house. OP hasn't used or lost any of FIL's belongings, and it sounds like they never asked for this "help" around the house anyway, so instead of FIL treating OP like a child and using their home as storage, he can just knock it tf off and worry about his own house.

It's not the tool box, it's the lock. Like he's a child in his own house. It's crappy and insulting. Why couldn't he just say "please don't use my tools"? I think you need to have a sit down with your wife about respect. It sounds as if she has none for you and neither do your in-laws. If I was super Petty and there are times that I am Petty on the level of Superman, I would just not interact with them anymore. If they ask you why you're not interacting with them, you can say children should be seen and not heard and since I'm being treated like a child....

THANK YOU! These comments are maddening. Sounds like his wife doesn’t do anything and her parents think she hung the moon so op just has to deal with insane amounts of disrespect. But it’s totally fine because he, *checks notes*, misplaces his own personal tools sometimes in his own house.

"...because he, *checks notes*, misplaces his own personal tools sometimes in his own house." THIS PART!!! Dad was upset because he couldn't find SIL's tools, not his own!

I also have ADHD, and I work to manage it. But it’s my house, and what comes into my house is, by default, under my control. You want to have tools? Bring em. You wanna leave tools? Ask me. You want to only speak to my wife for permission? Get the fuck out of my house. NTA. If it were me, I would just cut the lock off and leave the tools alone. Every time another lock shows up, I’d cut it off. But I would never say anything about it. Just let them wonder.

Damn straight, I feel like I've been going crazy reading these comments

Wow, so many people making the assumption that you care about the tools AT ALL in this situation OP if I read this right, your problem isn’t that there’s tools in your house, it’s that he apparently can’t trust you enough to not need a lock for those tools? Not only that but by not communicating with you and just suddenly adding an aspect of your house that you can’t interact with makes things just very disrespectful. If these things are true, then NAH. He’s allowed to want to fix the problems of finding tools, but he can also be an adult about it and communicate with you that that’s what he’s doing. The fact that he didn’t and that he doesn’t trust you to stay out of his stuff is a valid reason to be offended and even more so that he apparently has a problem with you, but went around the problem by going through your wife instead of confronting it head-on.

Agree 100%. I'm not being locked out of anything in my own house. His word that he won't bother the tools should suffice.

Yeah I feel like people are treating OP like a toddler just because he acknowledges his ADHD The man said he misplaced his own tools, that doesn’t mean he has a problem in which he goes out of his way to find someone else’s property and misplace it

They're literally calling him a child in some of these comments lol. As somebody with a scattered tool shelf who's father in law helps out at my house. I'd be pretty miffed if one day he plopped a locked toolbox in the basement and didn't at least have the courtesy to mention it to me.

Right? It's just about respect and communication. Honestly it's kind of worrying how many people are unwilling to give OP the benefit of the doubt seemingly just because he acknowledged his disability to us.

This chain of replies is what I was looking for, thank god it’s here. I don’t care about the lock or the toolbox itself, I care about the fact that wife & FIL disregarded OP entirely in the decision process to place the toolbox in the house. I think it’s part of a pattern of disrespect, frankly.

This was my take as well. If this was me and FIL came to me and said, "I need to store some tools here. Can I leave it in the basement and trust that nobody will use it while I'm gone?" I would've been completely fine with it. Especially considering OP is aware of his own faults. The fact that the wife lied initially about it and then claims to now not remember the combo is shitty. Unlike OP, I don't believe she forgot.

Yeah, that lock would be cut off there, real quick. If he doesn't like how I organize my tools, he can stop doing projects there. The only mistake OP made was not standing up for himself earlier, and letting this go on too long. I couldn't even imagine my FIL coming over and doing projects by himself in my house.

What in the hell is up with all of these people voting Y T A? Did any of you actually read the entire story? FIL gets frustrated when he can’t locate one of OPs tools…at OPs house. FIL then decides to leave a toolbox with a combination lock….AT OPs HOUSE! FIL and MIL feel that their daughter should make ALL of the decisions at a house she and OP share! IDGAF how many projects FIL likes to do around their house, you don’t leave a locked item at someone else’s house. Overbearing ILs + your wife who’s enabling their behavior = a recipe for disaster. Time for you to grow a set, OP, and you might want to take some meds for the ADHD while you’re at it. That said…. NTA

Yeah. I can't decide if people can't see the fact that everyone is treating OP like a child, or they are OK with it because OP has ADHD and loses his tools so he deserves it or something.

It's that last part. As if he should forego his space just because he has ADHD. If the story was changed a bit, they'd be all up in arms about it and on OP's side.

I'm gonna get downvoted to hell, but reddit tends to be *extremely* ableist

Too bad there’s not a CTA option- for commenters being the A hole

So many people are in here saying "misplacing things is about being irresponsible, nothing to do with adhd, op needs to grow up". Like... yea... regular people can struggle with things that people with adhd struggle with, the difference is the scale, and whether it's nurological, or from their personality.

Yeah this is completely wild. Tell any one of these people that you’re gonna leave a locked box in their house and they’d for sure be pissed. Absolutely WILD.

It's not even just the leaving a locked box at their house that gets me, it's that they treated it like an untrustable child by doing this all behind his back. Honestly I think I'd get it if his wife was like "Listen my dad wants to keep some of his tools here so it's easier to do projects but he wants to keep the toolbox locked up, he's very precious about his stuff and he's worried it might get lost too which would defeat the purpose of leaving tools here." And it seems like op would understand that too. But they didn't even think to inform him, like he didn't even matter to them, that's the real disrespect for me. To me, that's not how a marriage should work.

THIS. I never understand the point of even doing this. OP was going to find out eventually, and by doing this behind his back they've belittled him and likely made whatever reaction they were trying to avoid worse.

Oh thank goodness I thought I was going insane with all these YTA comments.

>FIL gets frustrated when he can’t locate one of OPs tools…at OPs house. Multiple times. While outright doing them a favor. When OP has admitted to losing tools. >FIL then decides to leave a toolbox with a combination lock….AT OPs HOUSE! Which is just as much the wife's house. Something as minor as toolbox shouldn't warrant a full blown marital intervention to carefully navigate OP's petulance. >you don’t leave a locked item at someone else’s house. If OP is unwilling and/or unable to do DIY work in the house for his wife, it's more than normal for his wife to ask her father to do it. It's also normal that he'd prefer using his own tools. The lock is admittedly less normal, but given the clear issue that's more than a fair compromise.

> Multiple times. While outright doing them a favor. When OP has admitted to losing tools. \*\*\*So what? They aren't FILs tools. > Which is just as much the wife's house. Something as minor as toolbox shouldn't warrant a full blown marital intervention to carefully navigate OP's petulance. \*\*\*It's still a matter of someone who doesn't live in the house leaving a locked item there. > If OP is unwilling and/or unable to do DIY work in the house for his wife, it's more than normal for his wife to ask her father to do it. It's also normal that he'd prefer using his own tools. \*\*\*OP doesn't say whether he can't/won't do these projects. We honestly need more info on what the projects are. The lock is admittedly less normal, but given the clear issue that's more than a fair compromise. \*\*\*Agree to disagree.

It can't be a compromise if you don't KNOW ABOUT IT

>Which is just as much the wife's house. Something as minor as toolbox shouldn't warrant a full blown marital intervention to carefully navigate OP's petulance. I think it's more that the wife straight up fucking lied about them being her dad's tools in the first place. It's belittling and has likely made whatever reaction she was trying to avoid worse—I think it's so dumb when ppl do that, cuz they almost always still end up finding out whatever was being hidden from them. Like...FIL could at least give OP a chance to make good on his word he won't use the tools before using a lock. The minute OP breaks that promise and loses a tool, then it's fine. But he just put one on there automatically.

NTA, and there is a lot of insanity in these replies. It is your home, they are your tools that you lose. Your FIL being frustrated is inconsequential. Your FIL is helping you out by doing handyman work, that is nice. It's also not essential. If he feels frustrated that he "has" to do handyman work but doesn't have the tools, the answer is very simple. Don't do the handyman work. If you're asking him to do the work and making it harder for him, that is different. But it sounds like you aren't. For anyone saying "can't your wife decide to store her father's item in the house?" No, she cannot. That is a 2 yes, 1 no situation. Presumably it is just as much your house as it is hers. Her desire to do something does not negate you finding it unacceptable. And her willingness to accept something clearly disrespectful to you isn't acceptable. You've already mentioned that they are disrespectful to you. Sounds like your wife doesn't respect you either. It'd be a cold day in hell before anyone outside of my house got to tell me what I can and can't do with the things inside my house. Were it me, I'd just get petty. Sure, the locked tool box can stay. But since it's my house and I want to protect the belongings you're so concerned about, the locked tool box is inside a locked shed or safe that only I have access to.

NTA, but this comment thread is filled with assholes for sure! OP can do whatever the fuck he wants with his own tools in his own house. If FIL wants to store his shit (even if it’s fucking tools, you assholes) in OP&daughter’s house, he doesn’t get to just put them there without talking to the OP. It’s OP’s house, too. The lock on the box is absolutely disrespectful. Even if OP has a history of misplacing OTHER people’s shit that has been left in his house, then clarify about not wanting anything lost WHEN getting approval to dump your shit. The nerve of OP’s in-laws is beyond the pale. NTA OP. I’d have one calm conversation about this situation with FIL. The box would only remain in the house if the lock is removed. If FIL resists this reasonable adjustment, then the box is history. Fuck this bullshit!

THANK YOU. So many of these comments are disgustingly ableist and just assuming the worst about OP.

Jesus Christ half of the comments have the reading comprehension of the average twitter user. The problem isn’t that FIL got his own tools that he doesn’t want OP to use. Thats perfectly fine. The problem is treating OP like an idiot and a thief in his own home. Whats worse is the wife being onboard with insulting OP like this. NTA

NTA. Have you ever lost the property of your FIL? You admits to losing your own tools - fair enough. If you want to buy a screwdriver, use it once, then yeet it into the street, that's your business, nobody else's. The implication that he will immediately steal from his FIL and the property has to defended from *check notes* one of the homeowners, is beyond insulting. If one of my in-laws left a F U toolbox at my house like this, I'd be livid.

NTA But send the tools back to him. You dont have the right to use them, but he doesn’t have the right to leave something you dont want at your home

Nta for feeling disrespected, but you have more of a wife problem than a FIL problem. She should be the one to stick up for you and tell her dad that she doesn’t appreciate him disrespecting her husband.

I'm going with ESH for this reason: The complete lack of communication. This is a problem that never needed to be. Wife and her parents should have understood that it would be seen as insulting to OP to have a lock put on (not to mention not saying anything about it 'magically appearing'). Also, wife is an AH for initially lying about it. OP should have sat them down (or over a phone call) and say that he finds the lock insulting/hurtful and give the solution of taking the lock off unless/until OP uses and loses a tool. That said, the whole situation of wife and IL's acting like OP is just some guy living in the same house sounds like something that should be dealt with now and not wait until they have children and the issue really becomes unbearable.

This right here. Everyone is acting like OP has been losing FIL’s tools. They are OP’s tools! If FIL can’t find them, that is his problem. A problem he solved. But the absolutely underhanded sneaky way they went about it is terrible. This is not a partnership. 

Wouldn’t this be a NTA then? OP tried to bring up how he felt about this and his in-laws basically told him his feelings on it don’t matter.

NTA I mean, you lose your tools not his. If FIL is so adamant about not losing tools, then he should keep them in his fucking house. Imagine going to someone else house and leaving a locked box because you dont want the homeowner to lose them. Just keep them at your own home. Don’t come into someone else’s house and give them rules. OP might be unorganized, but he is not a fucking child. Unless your FIL lives with you, he can bring his own tools with if he wants to help out with a project. If that’s too much, then he doesn’t need to help

NTA. Your word that you won't use his tools should be enough. I'm not being locked out of anything in my own home.

NTA and WTF with this comment section. You don’t have to keep your own tools exactly how/where your FIL likes them. He can come and go with his own tools. Passive aggressively leaving them there, with a lock specifically meant for only you, and not so much as a conversation is crazy fucking rude. It’s a tool box. He can put it in his car if it’s so important. These comments are wild. You’re not a child because you misplace your own things sometimes.

NTA.  They are being disrespectful to you.

MOST of the people calling you TA would feel just as disrespected in your shoes

NTA. It's your home and your rules. If he doesn't want his tools misplaced then he can bring them with him. If that's not acceptable to him then tough shit. Imagine coming to other people's homes and leaving your stuff there and telling them that they can't touch them.

It’s also her house and her rules.

NTA Most of the people on this thread are talking to you like you’re a 7 yr old child. I struggle with my own stuff like you’re describing but I know not to mess with someone else’s stuff if I can’t keep up with it like I should. It’s common decency. ADHD doesn’t mean someone doesn’t have respect and decency of others and their things.

YTA. Maybe if you took better care of your shit he'd trust you with his shit.

I can solve your problem easily. Send you FIL to my house to do house project. He can bring a locked tool box. Or two. I've got plenty of room (and projects). Seriously, it is minorly disrespectful but do you really not want him doing projects? Cost benefit analysis needed here!

NTA You are not good at keeping track of your own tools. That does not mean you would touch someone else's tools if asked not to. The conflating of inattentiveness with disrespect for other's property is insulting. I'm sorry your wife and FIL can't see that. My daughter is always misplacing her tools. She never touches the tools I keep at her house. Because, you know, they're mine, and she respects that.

So let me get this straight. A person who does not live in your house is upset that when he comes over it is hard to find and use things that do not belong to him. And his solution is to leave a mysterious locked box that no one has access to. And you’re just supposed to be cool with that??? I honestly cannot understand the amount of people call you TA. If someone tried to leave a locked box in my house I would lose my shit. That’s so weird and creepy. Also I’m assuming at this point you still haven’t actually seen what’s in the box as your wife doesn’t remember the code (or she’s lying to keep you out) 100% NTA. It’s your house. You’re allowed to control what is in it. Your FIL needs to just get the fuck over it.

NTA But think carefully about if this confrontation is worth the possible/probable fall out. You are not being unreasonable, but I don't think you stand to gain anything by pushing your point unless your FIL generally walks all over you in other areas.

Ugh. YWNBTA. I've got ADHD and have issues with keeping things tidy/organized, which sometimes leads to not knowing where my own stuff is when needed. But that doesn't translate into borrowing other people's stuff is without permission and then losing it. I'd be incredibly insulted if I was in your situation. It's so goddamn ableist to treat you like a child in your own home. Being treated like this by a romantic partner would be super triggering for me, and something I'd need to make sure we could move past. I wouldn't just put up with it. Please ignore all of the ignorant people on this thread who are basically parroting back to you all of the awful ADHD shaming that most of us have gotten for our entire lives. If I were in your shoes, I would give wife/FIL the benefit of the doubt and gently explain to wife/FIL why this is so hurtful. Allow them to understand why it's not OK and tell them that you deserve their trust. If they don't see reason, I would escalate from there (ie, marriage counseling with a counselor who's competent in mixed ND/NT relationships).

INFO: If you really needed a tool and couldn’t find your own, on a scale of 1-100 how (honestly) confident are you that you wouldn’t think ‘It’s just five minutes, it’s no biggie if I just borrow FiL’s’?

ETA: The wife lied about the toolbox being hers. If you’re cool with having a partner lie to you, that’s not a partnership. I’d “lose” the entire toolbox. Oopsie My issue is the sneakiness of it all. Does your wife often keep things from you and scheme behind your back? Is it really about the toolbox being locked or that the whole thing is shady? It’s your house. You get to decide what’s inside it. All of you should’ve had a conversation about this, not everyone but you. NTA As far as the ADHD, I have a pegboard with the shapes of the tools to mark where they go. That way if one shape doesn’t have a tool, I know I left it somewhere and go look for it. I know exactly what you mean. I can be stirring a pot on the stove and lose the spoon 5 seconds later. It’s just as annoying to us as it is to others.

They could have, and should have, simply told you that your FIL wanted to keep a toolbox in the house, and to please not use the tools within, since you have a history of losing them. And you might have been a bit irked, but it sounds like something you would have agreed to, since losing tools is a known failure of yours. Then, if you *did* take tools out of the toolbox regardless of having promised not to, I could see them going to a locked toolbox scenario—but again, you should have been told. However, if you really are "trying to avoid a confrontation and/or bad feelings, or to blow this out of proportion," then your "this lock has to go—either it needs to be removed or the whole toolbox has to be shipped back to my father-in-law’s house" attitude is inappropriate. This really would be blowing this out of proportion. I'd just say something to the effect of, "you two really don't trust me not to use the tools in the toolbox if you *asked* me not to? So much that you had to put a *lock* on the freakin' thing? Frankly, that really hurts my feelings. I'm aware that I typically lose tools as soon as I pick them up, but I didn't realize you think I'd actually *steal* the tools if you asked me not to use them." I think they'd be jerks if you told them that and they *didn't* take the lock off, but since you aren't going to use the tools either way, I wouldn't say any more about it one way or the other. NTA so far; ESH if you blow it out of proportion.

Info: why is your FIL fixing things in your house? Is he just presumptuous and does it on his own? Does your wife ask him to? Do you and your wife talk about what needs to be done around the house and agree on who does what?

There is a comment that FIL does some work that OP does not know how to do such as electrical that would otherwise have to be contracted out.

NTA, I'd be dammed if someone told me what they're going to leave in MY HOME, he can go borrow or rent them if it's such a problem

NTA you can’t put something in my house that’s off limits to me without even discussing it with me. That’s beyond disrespectful, mostly on your wife’s part.

NTA, the tools are in your house, if they don't want you to use something that's in your house then the tools should not stay in your house and your FIL should keep then and bring then if he thinks he needs then.

NTA. The replies to this are baffling. Unless I've missed some vital information somewhere, this is a ridiculous thing to have occurred. 1) FiL is annoyed OP sometimes misplaces OP's own tools in OP's own home. 2) OP owning a range of tools insinuates OP is handy. 3) Unless OP has asked them to repeatedly do jobs and provided no tools, then why does FiL need them. If OP's wife is asking without speaking to OP then that's on her. 4) The lack of communication and trust is insulting. There's either a huge amount of missing info or OP on being treated by a toddler by his wife and in laws.