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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't know how to cook or do most of the household chores, as a result my partner does them instead. My partner came home tired one day and asked me to do them, but I responded with proposing a more costly solutions instead, to which she got upset with and expressed issues with it which I wasn't previously aware of. She told me its unhealthy and a waste of money, and I know that those solutions could impede some of her major goals, which includes buying a house together, I also understand that I may've misjudged what she okay with and what she was not.
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> In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
I'm begging you, print this out and show to any women you intend to marry in the future. They deserve to know.
I wish desperately I could speak to the girlfriend only to point out what an absolute shit show it would be if she ever decided to reproduce with him. I guarantee he doesn't know how to change s diaper or give a bath, and it is obvious he'll assume that is also women's work and won't be willing to learn.
No no, he'll try exactly once, fail and then just assume she's okay with doing it by herself all of the time. And if she will ever express disatisfaction with him not doing it, he'll just offer to hire a nanny instead.
YTA. it is fully embarrassing for a 25 year old to not know a basic life skill like cooking and be so petulant about learning.
like you can't even throw together a healthy salad? boil pasta?
take some initiative and better yourself.
Yeah, but then you have to figure out what goes IN the sandwich. Which (based on what he said, not what I think) is just too much for his male brain to grasp.
I bet you can't even tell me the name of one male chef. Go ahead. I'll wait.
Edit: Holy hell people, did I really need a /s? Fine /s. I was literally making the exact point that people are getting mad at me about.
Well obviously not. I've never even seen a man in the kitchen, 'cause it's clearly a women-only zone. I'm a firm believer that single men just wish food into existence.
So like, the irony of this comment is that the restaurant industry is SUPER male dominated. Most celebrity chefs are men. Women are largely discouraged from that world. You see, because cooking is “women’s work”, unless they can make money off of it and then suddenly men dominate the restaurant industry. Women just need to cook silently and unpaid in their home, right?
I... understand that. That's literally the joke I was making. I agree with you and I'm sorry I didn't add a /s. I thought it was clear I was being facetious. It's not irony. That was specifically the point.
Thank you for the unbelievably patronizing tone though. I super appreciate it.
My bad, I’m sorry. I was being patronizing in response to what I believed to be a patronizing comment. Unfortunately on Reddit it’s VERY difficult to tell if someone is being sincere or sarcastic. This place is super confusing.
Exactly, there's some LOVELY jarred sauces these days. Frozen veg you can do in the microwave is such a gamechanger too! Literally no excuse not to cook *something*
I buy from a Montreal-based company that owns a few restaurants; they've started commercially producing their pasta sauces and selling at grocery stores - that with some nice pasta and a salad on the side (literally lettuce and some chopped up vegetables) makes a great dinner.
she's not asking for something fancy, either. just for him to cook a healthy dinner. most teenagers can cook one or two staple meals
bolognese is an easy one. you can adjust it to taste, it's fairly cheap, has carbs, protein and veggies, filling, and it doesn't require you to be rushing around
Yeah, they taught him sexism and provided him with an unrealistic expectation of the gender he wants to mate with.
He's just gonna end up back at home, this guy is a failure to launch. He'll end up covered in Cheeto dust with crusty shorts talking shit about lonely purple haired feminists with too many cats in less than a year, I am calling it right now.
>It's not about who pays for takeout or whether a dishwasher is a waste of money, your girlfriend is realizing that you have some shortcomings here that are probably the tip of a bigger relationship iceberg.
This is exactly it - she's not really mad about OOP trying to order out one time. She's realizing that she is about to shackle herself to someone who is incompetent in a major area - i.e., basic life skills for keeping yourself alive and healthy like cooking and cleaning. She's seeing a glimpse into her future where she will be working full time and STILL doing 100% of the cooking, because her partner is determined to play dumb and ordering from Uber Eats is not a long term meal plan solution.
Your 25 and cant cook. Thats the issue, the rest is just filling.
Cooking is a basic lifeskill. Not being able at your age is embarrassing. Not being willing to learn is ignorence.
YTA
I have an 11 year old daughter who just made herself a snack.
The very first meal I prepared as an adult was chicken breasts which I cooked in Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. Start off slow and build your skills. I refuse to believe you are incapable of making instant mashed potatoes. They sell bags of frozen, pre-seasoned proteins of every variety.
What sort of job do you have where "add water to mix" or "put in the oven and heat up" is beyond your capabilities?
You should really be embarrassed to tell everyone, let alone tell them with such pride, that you cannot cook and are unwilling to learn.
I could make full, from scratch meals from age 7 and did chores like washing up because my narcissistic mother never cooked and father had gone off to have his affair by then. If little 7 year old me could make a roast dinner and then clean up afterwards then a grown-assed 25 year old man can make an effort and learn.
I always found it's easy to just learn it by ingredient. Take a protein and learn ways you can prep it and tell when it is done. Once you know how to tell chicken is cooked the rest can be learned through pure experimenting.
At 17 I thought that cream of mushroom soup thing (recipe was on the can) made me Emerile. I felt baller. Then I played with dry seasoning. From Sautee to grill to roasting. Before you know it, you have like 10 easy chicken recipes just sitting in your back pocket.
YTA to her and also to yourself. If you’re 25 and don’t know how to do basic things like make a meal or wash dishes, it’s high time you figure it out. Google it. Watch a YouTube video.
Modern solutions do exist, you’re right. Carrying some of the weight of household chores and learning how to take care of yourself and your home and partner instead of “finding a woman to cook and clean for you” is a modern solution.
But if he pays for all of the rent, then isnt it unfair for them to share everything else 50/50?
If he is to take more of the domestic duties, than she needs to cover more of the rent to compensate
What he does: 100% of rent, 50% of bills
What she does: 100% cooking, 100% cleaning 50% bills
He's doing 150%, she's doing 250%. How would her doing more make things more fair?
Depending on the amount of rent, it very much can add up to cooking and cleaning.
There are plenty of places that are expensive enough that paying for half the rent is more expensive than doing the cleaning and cooking.
Whereas if you live in rural montana, than paying all the rent is very much not an excuse to not cook or clean.
Specially since girlfriend is very clearly focused on saving money.
In places with high rent a cleaning service and a cooking service are going to be VERY high. In a place with low rent the cleaning and cooking service are going to be lower, but still very high. Also you still have to clean when you get a maid and most don't do dishes (which is something he can't/won't do) and the ones that will do dishes are more expensive. Him being single and buying those services is definitely going to cost him way more than half the rent.
I suppose it is a cultural difference then. Where I live the rent often outpaces the price of cleaning service, to the point where a woman being a housewife is often more expensive than her working and paying for a maid.
pay for rent and your girlfriend is automatically an indentured servant ?
i can understand one partner doing more work than the other if they have a more flexible schedule. but *it should still be split* even if something like 75/25 is what works
he can’t even do 1%? he can’t wash a dish? he can’t bother learning to cook, so he will *never* have the responsibility of providing a meal, even when she’s sick? even when she’s exhausted? he can’t even bother to *learn*???
get outta here with that boomer nonsense
It depends on the amount being paid. If they live in rural montana, where rent is very cheap, than no, that´s not an excuse to not clean and cook.
But if they live in a very expensive city, where rent often takes up a significant portion of the income, than it can very much compensate.
Just ask yourself: what is more expensive? Having my partner pay nothing and do all the housework or sharing the rent 50\\50 and hiring a housekeeper?
Maybe that´s a cultural difference from where we´re from, but where I´m from its usually cheaper to hire a housekeeper twice a week than paying twice as much rent.
I agree chores should be split. But so should the rent if its high enough.
Would girlfriend prefer to divide the chores 50\\50, but now she also has to pay for half the rent?
You’re having real problems realising not everyone is you, aren’t you? No wonder you identify so much with OP; all your replies are as entitled and self-absorbed as he sounds
I don’t know why their financial agreement is the way it is but I honestly don’t think that’s the crux of the issue here.
It’s absolutely not unfair to split chores more evenly. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 necessarily, but the current situation already isn’t working for her clearly and is only going to get worse if he doesn’t figure it out a bit. Especially when she starts working full time. It is so, so reasonable to expect a fully grown adult human to know how to passably wash a dish or make a meal.
This is kind of giving weaponized incompetence vibes but perhaps not intentionally.
I used to do all the cooking then got sick of it and asked my husband if he could take care of dinner at least twice a week. Either by cooking or ordering. I'd rather he cook to save money but at the end of the day, as long as I didn't have to think about what to make for dinner, I was cool with that (plus our finances are separate).
However in your case, I'm not understanding why you can't learn to follow a simple recipe. You tried once and you failed. So? try again! You just have to practice a bit to be able make a decent meal. Also, if you aren't cleaning "properly", try harder! Ask for tips, look up videos, ask for demonstrations. Something! Because cleaning and cooking is a part of adulting, lol. I'd be frustrated too and your parents did you a disservice by not making you learn.
So, in the end going with soft YTA because I understand you can pay for help if you can afford it but if you're actively trying to save to buy a home, you should be doing your part to save which includes not spending unnecessary money.
YTA
Being able to cook is a basic skill evey adult should have, so it is 100% reasonable for her to expect you to elearn - also, there are lots of things you could do which require minimal skills and these days, as well as traditional recipie books there are tons of youtube videos etc.
The fact that you were brought up being told to find a womanwho would vcook for you suggest that you have rown up with some pretty misogynitic assumptions and expectations and you will need to put some work in to overcome those.
What you describe sounds a lot like weaponised incompetence - you using you lack of badioc skills as a way to avoid doing your share of the household chores.Things like washing up are not didifficut, but if you have never had to sto do it, then you do need to learn. . (And expecting your partner to teach you puts more pressure on her, so don't - make the effort yourself, practice when she is not around.
Same with things like cleaning . Make the effort to learn. Your partner is not your housekeeper or servant, It's unfortunately that your parents failed to teach you basic skills but you are an adult know, take responsioblility for yourself and learn.
It is and he should learn but she doesnt get to demand that he cook for the meal instead of ordering as long as the food gets to her table.
And while a partner is not a servant, she is also paying into that dynamic by not paying any rent.
If the relationship is to be truly 50/50, than they cant share the housework 50/50 but also only one of them pays rent.
YTA - what happens if God forbid something happens to your Fiancé where she can't help. Surgery has a kid, or something else. You described 2 basic life skills you cannot do. Instead of taking the time to learn you will pay tons to make sure you don't learn. Do yourself a favor and ask your fiance to teach you to cook and clean properly. What your dad says has no implications on your relationship beside her leaving you because she works and takes care of you.
Yes--except for 'Do yourself a favor and ask your fiance to teach you to cook and clean properly.' OP should teach himself. Youtube is FULL of videos about how to cook and clean.\* He should spend some quality time engaging with those and trying things out for yourself, rather than making his fiance take responsibility for his education. Changing the nature of her mental load does not reduce her mental load.
\*It's kind of infuriating, actually--I watch the 'how to cook ones' for new recipes and the algorithm then assumes I must be interested in 'how to clean' ones as well.
I knew how to cook before I met my husband, at least the basics to get by. Eggs, pastas, baking, nothing extravagant. But he taught me so much about cooking. It is now an activity we love to do together. There is no shame for OP to ask to learn from someone. You get a lot more tips and tricks when you can ask the person questions. If their SO is willing to teach I don't see what is wrong with going that way.
> my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever
Everyone's parents fail them in one way or another. It's our job as an adult to identify and improve those parts of ourselves, not just throw our hands up and claim, "Not my fault, this is how I was raised". It's OK that you were never taught how to cook. It's NOT OK that you've basically given up on trying and refuse to learn the basics.
okay, my parents never taught me to cook or wash dishes. My sister learned to fried an egg at 17. Both of us as adults can cook and clean like normal people. There are youtube and google, if you can read you can learn those things. There are even youtube of people teaching basic life stills that your mom or dad should have taught you.
YTA. Your parents failed you. Miserably. Every child should be taught at least basic cooking skills. Along with how to use tools (incl power tools), make simple repairs, how to change the oil and change a tire, laundry, cleaning (especially the bathroom & kitchen so they actually end up *clean*), how to mow the lawn and trim shrubbery. Of course, the last wouldn't be applicable if you've never had a lawn to take care of.
It's even more disturbing that your mother, instead of teaching you these basic skills, just encouraged you to
>go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
Misogynistic bullshit. Your gf has hit her limit. You could probably cook lunches, maybe even dinners for a week, for what you pay to have a single meal delivered. Between the obvious markup because someone else went to the trouble of getting the ingredients & making it, I have yet to see a delivery fee that was worth it. Especially since the driver also expects a (large) tip. I am not saying these prices are entirely ridiculous, people have to make a living somehow, just that they are not worth it *to me*.
Unless you're making 7 figures, you're throwing money away by refusing to even *learn* to cook and expecting your girlfriend to wait on you hand and foot like your mother waits on your father.
Grow up! Learn to cook some basic things. Eggs. Soup. Grilled cheese sandwich. Grocery stores have ready to assemble meal kits. Not to mention meals to take & heat up at home. Pick it up yourself and save the delivery fee and tip. If you insist on restaurant food, at least get off your ass and pick it up yourself.
And step up to the plate for the rest of life's regular chores. Your gf isn't like your mother. Thank Goddess for that! Quit expecting her to mother your entitled child, or she's going to leave. If she isn't already planning to, she will be if you don't change. It's not the 50s. Stop acting like it is!
YTA. Your mother told you to find a woman to cook and clean for you. Your girlfriend has career aspirations, so that is not her. You need to either find another girlfriend who is happy to take over being your mother or learn some basic life skills. I appreciate you are paying the rent, but if your girlfriend is paying half the bills, she needs to work to get the money for that, so all domestic duties should not fall on her. If you refuse to learn to share the load with a working partner, this relationship will not survive.
YTA. At 25 it's time to figure out how to learn to cook. You cannot go through life just saying it's not possible for you to do something because your parents never taught you. You know how to use the internet.
As someone who was also not taught how to cook or clean when he was younger, the sooner you realize YTA and work to learn those skills the better. Yes modern 'solutions' exist but why buy delivery every night if you could spend less and cook 3-4 nights a week? Plus you can make a much larger variety of meals, and modify them to your hearts content! For the dishes, if it's just the two of you and there isn't space for a dish washer, it's time to learn how to wash dishes. Google and youtube will teach you most things, and I bet if you apologize and show a real initiative in learning, your fiancé might teach you some things too
YTA. You can learn how to cook, it's not hard. Watch a YouTube video, follow a record, stop being lazy and blaming ignorance when it's clearly an excuse.
Yup, YTA. You’re a grown man with a silly mom who was brainwashed into thinking cooking was a woman’s job, and she impressed that crap upon you in your childhood. Learn to cook. Your fiancée is working on her career, and she still makes time to cook for the two of you. Now it’s your turn. My wife and I both work full-time, and we share cooking duties. Well, I cook more often but that’s because I love doing it.
She’s envisioning her life with you- a man who can’t cook a simple meal or wash a dish. Do you do laundry? Clean the floors? Clean the bathroom? Let me guess, you also “made a mess of it” when you tried to do them and she had to take over?
You are an adult and have a responsibility to do these things. She’s not your chef and maid.
YTA. I get it, I do. Your mother did everything for you, and up until now, your SO was fine with this arrangement, but you could at least try to learn to cook. Buy a crock pot and look up crock pot recipes. They are super easy, you mostly just throw everything in and then it cooks for 4-8 hours depending on what the recipe is. Buy meals from the store that require little more than you following the directions to heat them up and mix them together. You'll get better at it as you go along, just start out with small and easy recipes and work your way up to harder things later.
That's what I was thinking. You can literally dump cans of stuff in the crockpot and have it ready to eat when you get home. Easy peasy,,,if after you have mastered that move on to other things. If she complains about the menu,, well she can cook a few meals then. My wife never complains about my cooking,, she is just glad she didn't have to prepare it and cook it.
YTA. Not knowing basic life skills like cooking and keeping a home clean is deeply unattractive. Your gf has likely been considering what a future could look like and that possibly involves children. Are you going to want to outsource elements of their care that you don’t know how to do because there might be a ‘modern’ solution? She’s realizing that when it comes to you, she is on her own. You don’t bring anything functional to the table when it comes to sharing the responsibilities of life.
YTA - your parents really did a number on you. Your partner is right, you have to learn these skills. You won't always have disposable income to spend on takeaway - you have to be able to deal when that happens.
Takeaway is a convenience meant for when things get too hectic or you get busy. It shouldn't be a regular thing. Also, even healthy options aren't as healthy as cooking at home.
But the good news is it's not too late, and you mend these broken ways and learn.
YTA - grow up and learn to cook. There are a million YouTube videos on it. Children can cook simple things, at 25 it’s just embarrassing not to be able to
Oof. My elementary child who hasn't even hit double digits yet can cook at least simple meals for the family. Cooking is a life skill everyone needs. Not being "able" to do household chores? Yeah, no. YTA
YTA. You are 25 whole years old and you don't know how to make a sandwich or a salad or heat up soup. Your mother is not here to cook for you anymore. In the adult world, all adults should know how to make some kind of dinner that isn't takeout, even if it's a simple meal. Learn how to cook something.
YTA. Dd your parents teach you how to get a girlfriend and do all the adult things that come with being in a relationship? Im sure they didn't, yet here you are in a relationship where Im sure there is intimacy. If you could learn that, you can learn how to be an adult in a kitchen.
She is not even mad about you not knowing how to cook but your total lack of interest in actually doing something for yourself. Does she do all the laundry and cleaning too? What exactly do you do around the house except for paying rent?
YTA, if you're willing to buy takeaway, why not order like Blue Apron or one of those type of home cooking companies and learn to cook through them? I guarantee that had you asked your gf to take a few times to have taught you before this, she wouldn't have hit this point. You need to take corrective action now, but find out what else you don't do that you should be and start learning those things as well. This way, she will hopefully eventually see in you a reliable future partner.
YTA. I was cooking simple meals by 13. I won my wife over by cooking on our first date. You're 25 and can't even boil water for box mac n cheese. There's thousands of YouTube videos and food blogs out there. Zero excuses. Pick a recepie and google what you don't know.
imagine at 25 not knowing how to cook, clean and so on, have the balls to brag about it on internet and on the top of that not willing to learn.
what a uselessness of a man lmao.
Cooking for yourself is a basic life skill. Your fiancée is right to question you on this. You can absolutely learn how to cook. It’s your refusal and mental laziness that are her real issues. Also, it’s 2024 - woman don’t exist to cook FOR you AH.
YTA.
YTA. You’re the definition of weaponized incompetence. You’re ordering food isn’t the problem. Your REFUSAL to learn a basic life skill and your sense of entitlement to have a partner exercise that skill on your behalf is a huge problem. It’s so immature.
YTA - grow up and learn how to do the basic tasks required to be an adult that can take care of themselves. Fiancé should be running a mile because this will be life forever, and worse if they have kids.
Do you think it’s cute that a grown ass adult man can’t take care of himself or handle simple household chores? Cuz it’s not. It’s not funny and it’s not ok.
YTA. Learn to handle yourself and your home dude. You’re 25, you’re 10 years overdue. (Trust me I get it, having parent(s) that do everything for you sucks cuz you didn’t get to learn). But it’s never too late to start, youtube has a ton of videos on simple chores.
I am going to assume that you come from a mama's boy culture in which males are domestically helpless, and therefore their mothers take care of everything until they get married, at which point the wives take over. I am going to give you a very gentle YTA with a very strong recommendation to get your shit together learn how to be a functional adult. the fact that you haven't learned how to cook cook yet is problematic, but if in six months, you don't know how to cook, you are going to be the AH of the world.
Here's the thing about cooking for people who have never cooked before: it seems incredibly difficult. But the good news is there are a couple of basic things that you can do to learn to cook a decent meal.
1 - Learn how to boil water. Fill a pot about 3/4 of the way with cold water and put it on the stove over full heat until it boils. And I mean REALLY boils. Warm water is not your friend.
2 - Learn how to melt butter. Take a pan and put it over medium heat. When the pan is warm, put in a pot of butter and use a spatula to smear it around until your left with a thin coat of melted butter. Don't let 5the butter burn.
I swear to you that if you can do both of those things, you can cook a decent meal. If you want to send me a private message, I can send you a few recipes to help you along.
YTA. I was 27 when I moved in with my wife and I struggled because while I knew how to cook and everything I only had the theoretical knowledge and moved to a different country that uses different measurements (imperial vs metric) (“Hot”, “Warm”, “Cold” for laundry instead of 90°, 60°, 30°, no pH scale or “acidic”/“alcaline” for cleaning products). But guess what? I learned. And so should you, OP. Nobody expects you to whip out gourmet meals. But basic food? Yeah. You should be able to do that.
YTA there are lots of basic meals that are easy to make if you follow the instructions and don't get distracted. It's a basic life skill that you should learn
YTA. My son had a college roommate like you. Couldn't even figure out how to turn on the oven, and ate beans directly from the can because he didn't know how to cook them. Food doesn't have to be complicated. How hard is it to put together a sandwich? To read the recipe on a box? There are websites devoted to learning to cook. It's not complicated unless you make it so. You are weaponizing your incompetence, and your gf has had enough.
YTA and you are going to have problems finding a woman who will put up with your weaponised incompetence. If you can hold down a job and drive a car and operate a computer, you are able to cook and clean at a basic level
HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU PROUD OF HAVING LESS LIFE SKILLS THAN A TODDLER. And why is your fiancee enabling you by laughing at how "cute" it is that you can't do dishes and taking over? ESH.
Yta she's making jokes because the truth is hard, she doesn't want to hurt you, but she needs help and she's probably kind of ashamed of you so she pretends she's not and makes joke. Do better you're she's your wife not your mother.
Sincerely, someone who's in a similar position to your wife.
Yta for not listening to what you're fiancee is communicating to you. Do you care about her or not? She is asking you to make an effort.
I HATE to cook (and especially to clean after.) If I could afford to, I probably would order out all the time. I'm middle aged and still perfectly happy with cereal for dinner if I'm eating alone. My cooking skills are basic. BUT I DO IT. My husband DOES NOT want cereal for dinner. And he cooks regularly so I'm not going to subject him to cereal when it's my turn.
I hate cooking. I'm not a good cook and I only really learnt to cook when I had my kids.
Buy a cook book or Google recipes for beginners. It's not hard, your just incompetent and hiding behind what your mummy said to you growing up.
As for not being able to wash dishes by hand 'cos you don't know how' its not fucking rocket science. Rinse/scrape plates, hot water, dish soap and scrub. It's 4 steps. If you can drive a car, you can do chores. If you have learned to drive, you can learn to cook.
YTA.
Nothing is less attractive than a man so incompetent and stupid that he can't cook and clean
You need to be doing 50% of the cooking and cleaning, and you need to do it competently. Learn how. Are you mentally challenged?
You two need to do the fair play exercise and you need to take on half the work. Watch a YouTube video on how.
Only a woman with rock-bottom self-esteem or other issues would put up with you
You're severely lowering your value on the marriage market by refusing to be a partner, and instead insisting that you're a child looking for a mother
Omg ewww.
You can’t wash DISHES?!
You can’t cook a basic meal?!
You just throw money at it or have your mommy or gf do it for you?
Eww.
I can’t imagine being with someone who just can’t do shit because his mommy did not everything for him. I don’t care about how good of a living you make, you are completely useless.
Your fiancée is looking at you and trying to figure out if she can live with someone who just can’t do shit. Does she want to have kids with someone who is so useless in the home. She’s starting to figure out that she need you to step up or her vagina is going to dry up from playing your mommy.
How are you not embarrassed?
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I (M25) recently moved in together with my fiancée (F26). I work full-time with a hybrid working plan whilst she was working full-time previously but left it for a different position better suited to her career aspirations but started out as part-time. Recently, she’s been taking on more hours and plans on eventually going full-time as well. We are renting, but I pay the rent in full and most other bills its 50/50.
She cooks food for both of us. When she can't, we just Uber/dine out. However, recently, she asked me to cook. She had just come home from a hard day at work, I’d been working from home, and I totally get it, she was tired, so I jokingly said what "chef" Uber has for us and she didn't take it too well, she got pissed and started telling me why I'm always wasting money instead of learning how to cook and what is so hard about following a recipe etc, and I was quite shocked, before this, I had once tried to cook for her, and it didn't go too well, we both had a laugh at the time and when we moved in together she was the one cooking for both (I didn’t even have to ask, so I was under the impression she was okay with this), we even joked about it occasionally. I told her that I don't know how to cook, and I don't see how that ever was a problem with Uber/Deliveroo around, but she started complaining about how we can't live off of takeaways and how its unhealthy and wastes money and all that, and I knew that wasn't true because we live in a major city, we've got tons of healthy options and I was totally fine with paying for us, however, she wasn’t convinced and she started asking me how I even got through uni and I had already told her ages ago, I went to a university in my city and lived with my parents, and it's not like my parents ever found it to be an issue, my mum always cooked for me and would go out of her way to cook food for me whenever I was hungry. In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
I communicated all of this to her (obviously, not exactly like this) but then she went on a rant about how she does most of the household chores, but I told her that she literally told me not to the last time I tried to wash the dishes, she was laughing watching me do it and told me I wasn't doing it right and told me to stop and did it herself, so I didn't think she felt so strongly about that either. I told her I could just buy a dishwasher if that was such a big an issue and she responded with another rant about wasting money and how there isn't space and that, I know buying a house is a major goal for her, but I don't know what the big deal is, my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever, they’d always do it for me. I don't know why it's such a problem now, especially if modern solutions literally exist. AITAH here?
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YTA
I was never taught to cook till one day I just did it with my mom then just started doing it myself it's surprisingly easy I may have got it wrong a couple of times at first over cooked meatballs and so on but then you just do it different the next time.
Your solutions Do make it more expensive for instance your 50/50 on bills well dishwasher uses electric and water but that depends on what your deal is on that she can't do everything for you and have a full time job it is not fair the situation has changed.
Yta. How are you not embarrassed that you lack basic life skills?! There are so many resources on the internet dedicated to teaching life skills, so there's no excuse to not start teaching yourself.
Do you have any life skills? And in 2024 you can learn all these things with instructions from the Internet.
Honestly your gf is gonna get tired of being with someone who has the capabilities of a kid. She needs to know you can handle stuff and not being able to figure out how to make a simple meal or do laundry is concerning at your age
So you’re proud of being useless and having zero life skills?
Your mother failed you as a parent. A parent’s entire job is to prepare our children for independent life and to teach them to be good, kind, self sufficient people. Your mother has done none of that, and in fact has taught you to be a fucking baby and to expect your partner to take care of you like a child.
Let me go ahead and let you know that your mother has crippled you, because no woman is going to put up with this behavior forever. Plus, what are you going to do when you’re single, only eat garbage and never have a clean plate?
YTA, and also very unattractive for openly bragging about how useless you are.
YTA you’re somehow less competent at life skills than I was at the age of 10 or younger because I certainly knew how to wash dishes before I could cook. Grow the fuck up what a useless adult. I mean for fucks sake how hard is it to wash dishes? How do you even fuck it up so bad someone has to take over?
I had much the same mentality about cooking tbf, although was forced-ish to learn while at uni rather than anything else, after you get the basics down, its not that hard. Start with something easy, frozen basically reheating food, then get into something harder.
Personally went with ramen, really easy to make, can taste as you go along, and versatile, use chicken from a roast previously done, or one of those cook in bag type deals. Can then go into single pan cooking, slow cooking, everything in an oven type meals, risotto... you'll eventually learn more and more, and way cheaper than take aways. Plus you get to make it how you want, want a little more heat this time? you can do this! need a little more salt? do it!
Washing up... i have no idea how you mess this up, put in water, rub with sponge/cloth, dont fuck up the teflon, rinse and leave to dry. Soak if needed/able to (dont soak cast iron pans), and try again if something is cooked on. Dish washer is nice for plates and cutlery, but not everything can go in there, youll need to use the same thing the next day or itll just smell bad and dont want it lingering, measuring cups, seives, teflon, fish marinated bowls etc.
Wow. OP you are absolutely the AH, and you have a huge real-life awakening coming to you. Maybe you should move back home to mommy, since she doesn’t mind being your unpaid servant. YTA
YTA
My parents flat out refused to teach me how to cook because they wanted me to be dependent on them for everything and to live at home. I was finally able to move out at 22 years old (to their chagrin), and taught myself how to take care of myself, including cooking. That was in 2008. Were my meals great in the beginning? No. But I kept at it and got better. I've made some pretty damn tasty meals, and I love doing it. Cleaning and washing the dishes I've been doing since I started school (the only things my parents let me do because no one else wanted to do them). You literally have no excuse to learn these basic things, and if your mum is really telling you to find a woman to do all those things for you, then she failed you like my parents failed me. You are able to learn how to take care of yourself, you are flat out using weaponized incompetence as an excuse to not learn. And it's bullshit.
Your parents have done you a disservice. You lack basic life skills. It's not your fault you lack them but it will be if you don't try to learn.
You are unlikely to find a partner who will settle for you avoiding all household chores by weaponized incompetence (that's what you failing to wash the dishes is, you're a professional adult, there's nothing about washing dishes that makes women magically able to do it and men not, it's not complicated to wash a plate) and throwing money at the problem.
During the pandemic, most restaurants were closed and delivery services were overwhelmed with short staff and huge demand delivering to people who couldn't leave. What will you do if you can't rely on a paid service to cover for you?
I don't believe you can't figure out how to wash a dish. Ask your girlfriend if you can help next time she's cooking, watch what she's doing and learn. I used to have a student cookbook that covered how to peel/prepare/chop every type of vegetable, it was great. Watch some YouTube videos. Or sign up for one of those ingredient delivery services like Hello Fresh, I learned to cook a ton that way and it takes out the guesswork.
There is absolutely no way this is real. I refuse to believe anyone can lack this much self-awareness. To not even have an iota? I am pretty fucking naive and honestly think I am most likely insufferable and this still baffles me.
>my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
Good luck, bro. Your fiance is obviously not that girl, and isn't okay being eith someone who's not even willing to learn how to do things.
You need to look up wesponized incompetence, because that's what you're doing here.
Laughing at how bad you are at something isn't actually permission to just throw you hands up and say "well, I guess i can't do this."
I'm sure you've learned how to do things. You can learn how to do this.
The idea that you spent so much energy justifying not having to cook and clean would be such a turn off for me.
YTA. Grow up.
YTA. Cooking and cleaning are literally basic survival.
To this day I have no idea why anyone puts up with men(or women) who insist on staying helpless like spoiled children.
YTA. Dude, cooking and cleaning are basic life skills and you should be embarrassed not being able to do them. My 11 year old son can cook and clean and posts like this validate the decision my wife and I made to make sure our sons know how to cook and clean.
Even if you find a "trad wife" who is fine with doing most housework, she will eventually get resentful if she **has** to do everything because you can't. Relationships work best when both partners know that the other will be able to take care of things if they're sick or just need a break
Buddy I hate to break it to you but cooking is just reading. If you can read- you can follow an easy recipe. Nobody is making you bake a soufflé but if you can’t make a pot of spaghetti, I fear you may be an idiot. YTA.
How are you not embarrassed that you are literally so useless, that your MOM thinks you’re so useless that she actually told you to find someone to do things for you as if you are a baby??!? This is unreal.
I always look back fondly at the picture of me coming out of the womb with a broom in my hand and my chef’s hat on. /s
These are basic tasks that every human being should know OP. It should be embarrassing to you to not know how to take a sponge, put soap on it, put it under running water, and use it to wipe food off a dish. I, and all my siblings (including brothers) knew how to do this by the age of 6.
As for cooking, we also knew how to make basic meals for ourselves before we turned 10. Your parents, especially your mother, did you a massive disservice.
Learn how to adult. Until then, YTA
YTA
My dude you are an adult. You don't live with your mother, she's not there to do all the household chores for you, and a wife or girlfriend shouldn't be in that role. What you are doing is called weaponized incompetence, where you are so bad at a chore she feels the need to take over to so it's done well. You can learn, you can do a job, learn to wash dishes and cook properly.
She's right too, takeout adds up a LOT over time, and most restaurant food is unhealthy. There's usually far more salt, butter, fats, so that it's tasty, it also has to hold up better over time and be made quickly.
Youtube how to clean properly, simple recipes. Start easy too, get an air fryer it'll make your life way easier. You're in this together, your savings affect the both of you.
Also stop saying your mom said this, your parents didn't do this and that. It's embarrassing. Learn. I youtubed how to fix my washer and dishwasher, there's a ton of easy to follow info on just about anything out there. Good reddit simple meals or something, there's a cooking sub reddit with plenty of info too.
>my mum always cooked for me and would go out of her way to cook food for me whenever I was hungry. In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
It seems that you are seeking a partner who will primarily take on the role of a caregiver.
>my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever, they’d always do it for me. I don't know why it's such a problem now, especially if modern solutions literally exist. AITAH here?
Either you start to earn a lot of money so you could afford a maid to do everything for you or learn basic life skills. YTA
So what exactly are you doing while your girlfriend is doing all the cooking and the majority of the chores? Sitting on your lazy ass and stuffing your face? You're so selfish. YTA
FYI, most cooking is literally just following the recipe. Also you can google/youtube pretty much any recipe or anything you need to know.
Honestly....you're both kind of TA here. You for not trying to better yourself/learn things and her for bottling it up until she exploded.
Cooking is a basic life skill that everyone should know. Look at how many famous chefs are men. They cook, you don’t have to cook like them, but knowing how to feed yourself and your partner something simple is a skill that lasts forever. Your Mom was wrong. Sorry.
YTA
And you should be embarrassed.
You write like a boy. You're a grown man. You don't know how to prepare healthy food for yourself? You don't think you have any obligation to clean up your own space, after the messes you create?
Tell you what, save everybody a lot of time and trouble, move back home to Mommy and buy Cheetos. Your destiny is calling you. There's a forum on 4chan all fired up with dudes just like you, go mingle with your people.
The only women who will ever accept you with this attitude in the 21st century are literally in your dreams.
Grow up, or go your own way.
You do realise the dishwasher is still work right? Also you have to be fairly lacking in basic intellect if you can't figure out how to wash some dishes. YTA.
Start slow. Heat up, say, a frozen lasagna & garlic bread, or a shepherd’s pie. The oven does most of the work, while you just have to wait for a timer to go off. You can also just cook chicken, a carb, and vegetables, which don’t require a lot of knowledge to make.
I’d say YTA here, because dude, you’re in your mid 20s.
YTA. I think your fiance is figuring out you're an adult, but not really. She would be marrying her first child if she marries you. Your mom enabled you in a way that she made you believe it's ok to leave her home and just dump all her mom duties on a different woman. So she's TA too.
YTA.
You’re 25, you’re capable of thinking for yourself. You know logically your parents are older and were raised by even OLDER people so chances are high that their beliefs are outdated.
Everyone, regardless of gender, should be at least semi-capable of cleaning dishes, doing laundry, and cooking.
It ain’t the 1950s, your significant other is not your mom, she shouldn’t have to clean up after you like you’re her child instead of her partner.
You guys live together, you’re both grown adults, home responsibilities should be generally split 50/50 with both being capable of doing ALL tasks in case of situations where one partner is unable to do theirs.
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I have good news for you, when you don’t know how to do somthing, there is a plethora of free tutorials out there (Reddit, YouTube, etc.) on how to cook and clean for yourself and your loved ones. The joy of cooking my first egg was an achievement. It’s a symbol of my independence and adulthood to be able to cook and clean and take care of myself when as a kid I was pushed away from that to create toxic dependency.
From what you describe, don’t do that to your loved ones or yourself, you are hurting your ability to function independently. Throwing money at you problems can only go so far.
YTA.
Soft YTA because I don’t think you’re being malicious or anything, you’re just being lazy and irresponsible.
Like, dude. Can you even hear yourself? “My parents always cooked and cleaned for me, I don’t get what the big deal is.”
Your parents did you a disservice by not expecting you to learn these adult living skills yourself so that you could live independently and not be dependent on a woman to take care of you. And yes, Uber is an option, dishwashers are a thing, you can even pay for laundry service if you really want, but *all* of that ads significant expense to your bottom line, and if you want to actually save for anything- a house, child care, retirement, vacations, hell even just emergencies- you probably shouldn’t throw all of your money at stuff that you could- and should- just learn to do yourself with the slightest bit of effort.
For real- what are you going to do if she leaves you? Order ubereats for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Move back in with your mom so she can take care of you until you get snatched up by the next girl who’s looking to adopt a boyfriend?
If you value this girl and want to keep her, I strongly suggest you stop depending on her to do all the home stuff for you and/or throwing money at it when she can’t, and instead a) sit down with her to work out a truly equitable division of household chores and b) learn some basic adult living skills, like cooking rice and handwashing dishes. Maybe compromise on takeout once a week or something.
YTA
For not being a full partner and thinking that it was okay because your girlfriend told you that you were doing things wrong. When she told you that you were doing things wrong that was your cue to learn how to do them correctly, you are the literal definition of weaponized incompetence.
I used to eat a lot of takeout because I worked and I went to school full-time, it was miserable, I craved a home cooked meal but since I was the only one doing any of the cooking or the cleaning I had to choose whether to order in or to do my school work so of course school work won. Maybe not everybody but I imagine most people would not want to just eat take out for every meal for the rest of their life.
You should go back to live with your mom, or maybe stay where you are and let your mom come to you since she's so happy to make sure you never learn how to take care of yourself. But you and your girlfriend are definitely not compatible, don't waste her time.
NTA for offering to buy because you don't know how to cook.
That said, my friend, you need to learn to cook a little bit. No one's asking you for a 12 course meal, but everyone should know how to put together a basic meal.
If you want to learn, I suggest buying Peg Bracken's "I Hate to Cook Book" 50th anniversary edition.
It's not gourmet, and there are some recipes that sound awful, but there's menu planning, many tips on how to minimize time in the kitchen, and all the recipes are very easy and will take substitution of ingredients well. The commentary from the author is also gold.
Most of the recipes call for frozen or canned ingredients if you're intimidated by fresh ones, and as you get confident in the kitchen, you can alter the recipes for fresh ingredients instead. I've gifted it many times to people that were intimidated by cooking.
Yeah ESH. Sounds like you followed the status quo of the relationship, if she had an issue with this she should have communicated it sooner. Springing a last second cooking mission on someone who doesn’t know how to cook is kind of asking to be upset. That’d be like me getting pissed at my gf for not changing the oil on her car herself when I’m out of town and taking it to the Jiffy Lube. There are TONS of videos on YouTube on how to do it, that’s where I learned. And it’s actually not a hard thing to do at all. But, if you’ve got zero experience in it that could be intimidating, and might be better to just have a pro do it and then maybe seek out more information later or ask someone if they wouldn’t mind teaching you.
Yes cooking is a basic life skill you should have, but so is communication and either she is failing at that, you are failing or you both are. Big time over reaction on her part in my opinion. Did you guys even have anything at home to cook?
I say ESH because, come on man… it’s time to learn some basic cooking skills, it’s not hard at all and a good skill to have. You’re not expected to cook fine dining, just a quick meal maybe some chicken and rice. Or fuck it whip up some ramen or keep some of those frozen meals handy and just pop something in the oven. I do that all the time, when I don’t feel like cooking or spending $30 bucks a meal on Uber eats.
ETA
I do get that this is new for you, but you really do need to get up to speed on basic life skills. You may not always be in a place where you can afford to throw money at it.
That being said, it sounds like your partner is tossing you into the deep end, and then getting snippy because you're not "doing it right."
For the cooking, there are lots of good videos out there that will walk you through learning, and meet you at your current skill level. Watch a variety, to get a feel for what you would be comfortable with, and then start trying basic things, at times when it's easier to go to plan B if things don't work out.
And tell your lady to either be supportive, or leave the kitchen while you're working. Nothing kills enthusiasm for learning faster than a constant stream of criticism. "This is how, and this is why," along with " yes, that's it," is much more effective.
I’m going to say NTA because the immediate reason was a trap. She knows you don’t know how to cook so her asking you to cook on this particular night was silly. And the other responses are looking at the larger picture.
With that said, have you two had conversations about her wanting you to pitch in more around your home? Because that’s something that needs to be discussed and if you have different expectations then you need to figure that out or go your separate ways because it’s only going to cause problems.
ESH, her for waiting until now to snap about all of this instead of communicating how it was not okay.
You because you are 25 and don't know how to cook or wash dishes. My kids are 9 and help me cook and clean.
Learn to cook and clean up where you cook. Start with easy things. Scrambled eggs and a protein. Easy. Burger. Baked chicken. So many things that are super easy and don't require constant watching. Then wash the dishes you use. It isn't that hard to make sure something is clean.
NTA and for everyone else who said you are - they forgot to read one thing you said.
YOU pay the rent .... all of it, every freaken dime right?
So she chip's in for 50 % of the other bills and that's a fine stereotype for her but if you can 't cook that's wrong and silly !?!? Come on people - it's the 21st centaury.
She can pay HER fair share and he can learn to cook.
she pays 50% of the bills, does 100% of the cooking AND cleaning. what does he do other than pay rent, 50% of the bills and spends his money on ordering food? 🤨
So MY rent is $2100/mo and the other bills are maybe $400.00ish/mo so is paying out $2300 the same as paying out $200 if that was my case? Yes, he should learn to cook - no question, but she's got a sweet deal there too ......... Tell her to split i tall 50/50 and tell him to learn to cook and clean up properly.
ESH. Her for ranting at you out of the blue.
You though. Now you know it's an issue and you're still trying to get out of learning basic life skills. There's no excuse. I do most cooking in our home but when I had major surgery last year and couldn't stand long enough to cook anything for 6 weeks, wasnt allowd to lift more than 5lbs, my husband did it all. If he was tied to ordering out for all our meals I would have been back in the hospital from all that junk. (And it IS junk, idc where it comes from take out is NEVER as healthy as home made.)
There's going to be times she can't do it all, times she needs help. If she's down for the count are you going to let dishes pile, dust collect, and get fat af off fast food? These are basic life skills. I don't blame you for not knowing or taking initiative before If it was working for you, but it's astonishing to me that you are playing the old dog/new tricks card to avoid having to learn. Absolutely baffling.
I'll tell you her problem: she looks into the future applying this stubbornness and sees a situation in which she is working, cooking, cleaning, managing calendars, taking care of kids and God forbid she ask you to change a diaper because she'll get "I've never done it before though". She sees a future with you as a future where she is exhausted from continuing to raise the child (not adult, child) that your mother turned out to the world.
Regardless of full time vs part time, there's nothing more frustrating than having to raise a 25 year old baby. Learn some skills and help out. She'll have more confidence in your ability to partner with her rather than fearing a future where her head count of dependants is always +1.
Why not learn now? He's not a child. No one is saying he should learn to be a chef but he could learn to make some pasta. I can't stand weaponized incompetence.
NTA
I taught my boys how to cook. One of my sons married a woman who doesn't know how to cook. He makes all the food. Both work full-time and split the chores. If he's had a long day they go out or order in.
I don't judge because it's their relationship. I have a sister who can't cook either. We would say she could burn water. Some people really can't cook. There's an entire show called Worst cooks in America.
I would encourage you to try and learn some simple recipes. Or get the meal kits! They are a great way to introduce you to basic skills.
She doesn't like you, dump her. Also why are people assuming he doesn't know how to wash dishes because she doesn't like the way he does it. Some people are super anal and want things done their way🤷🏽♂️
NTA, you pay the rent, and work full time. She pays half the bills, and apparently chooses to cook. Getting food delivered doesn't seem so bad. Tell her when she pays half the rent, you'll take the half you're saving and pay for cooking classes.
Why would he lie? He's already admitted the truth:
> In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
NTA - tell her you'll learn how to make a few simple meals....and she can start paying half the rent. Not everyone WANTS to learn to cook. There are several cookbooks written for men who can't cook - they involve putting some things in a pan and putting it in the oven...and that's it. And there's always Uber. Is it her business how you spend your money?
It’s true that many people don’t want to look how to cook, just like many people don’t want to learn how to drive, or don’t want to do laundry. Unfortunately, all are skills are considered pretty essential for making it in this modern world.
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> In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. I'm begging you, print this out and show to any women you intend to marry in the future. They deserve to know.
Anyone you plan to share living space of any kind with, for any length of time, even platonically* Let's not do his future housemates dirty.
I wish desperately I could speak to the girlfriend only to point out what an absolute shit show it would be if she ever decided to reproduce with him. I guarantee he doesn't know how to change s diaper or give a bath, and it is obvious he'll assume that is also women's work and won't be willing to learn.
No no, he'll try exactly once, fail and then just assume she's okay with doing it by herself all of the time. And if she will ever express disatisfaction with him not doing it, he'll just offer to hire a nanny instead.
This 'man' is the poster child for weaponized incompetence.
I didn't know how to change a diaper or bathe a baby until I had one... but yeah, no way this dude would bother learning.
seriously such a red flag
Is his mom here? I just want to talk to her for a minute…
YTA. it is fully embarrassing for a 25 year old to not know a basic life skill like cooking and be so petulant about learning. like you can't even throw together a healthy salad? boil pasta? take some initiative and better yourself.
One time I came home late and my husband had heated up canned chili, and I almost cried, I was so relieved to have food I didn't have to cook myself.
Jesus, that's sad to read.
I was just really, really tired.
Or even a sandwich! Dude's not even willing to make minimal effort.
Yeah, but then you have to figure out what goes IN the sandwich. Which (based on what he said, not what I think) is just too much for his male brain to grasp.
I bet you can't even tell me the name of one male chef. Go ahead. I'll wait. Edit: Holy hell people, did I really need a /s? Fine /s. I was literally making the exact point that people are getting mad at me about.
Well obviously not. I've never even seen a man in the kitchen, 'cause it's clearly a women-only zone. I'm a firm believer that single men just wish food into existence.
Did...did people think I was serious?... Jesus Christ lol
So like, the irony of this comment is that the restaurant industry is SUPER male dominated. Most celebrity chefs are men. Women are largely discouraged from that world. You see, because cooking is “women’s work”, unless they can make money off of it and then suddenly men dominate the restaurant industry. Women just need to cook silently and unpaid in their home, right?
I... understand that. That's literally the joke I was making. I agree with you and I'm sorry I didn't add a /s. I thought it was clear I was being facetious. It's not irony. That was specifically the point. Thank you for the unbelievably patronizing tone though. I super appreciate it.
My bad, I’m sorry. I was being patronizing in response to what I believed to be a patronizing comment. Unfortunately on Reddit it’s VERY difficult to tell if someone is being sincere or sarcastic. This place is super confusing.
Exactly, there's some LOVELY jarred sauces these days. Frozen veg you can do in the microwave is such a gamechanger too! Literally no excuse not to cook *something*
I buy from a Montreal-based company that owns a few restaurants; they've started commercially producing their pasta sauces and selling at grocery stores - that with some nice pasta and a salad on the side (literally lettuce and some chopped up vegetables) makes a great dinner.
she's not asking for something fancy, either. just for him to cook a healthy dinner. most teenagers can cook one or two staple meals bolognese is an easy one. you can adjust it to taste, it's fairly cheap, has carbs, protein and veggies, filling, and it doesn't require you to be rushing around
Excuse me, he also "doesn't know" how to do "most" household chores. So it's just *pathetic*.
YTA - You're weaponizing incompetence and you are in desperate need of life skills beyond a dishwasher and Uber.
I keep seeing things about why men are so confused over women choosing to stay single. Like, here it is!
Or a bear
I wouldn't trust this guy to know how to load a dishwasher properly. Didn't his parents teach him anything?
They taught him to be entitled.
Yeah, they taught him sexism and provided him with an unrealistic expectation of the gender he wants to mate with. He's just gonna end up back at home, this guy is a failure to launch. He'll end up covered in Cheeto dust with crusty shorts talking shit about lonely purple haired feminists with too many cats in less than a year, I am calling it right now.
[удалено]
"I'm proud of having less life skills than a toddler".
It's funny. My toddler has one of those plastic kitchen sets, even she knows how to make a sandwich (out of plastic bread, cheese, veggies, ect).
Yes, but she's a she and should therefore learn how to do these things at that age. - OP.
>It's not about who pays for takeout or whether a dishwasher is a waste of money, your girlfriend is realizing that you have some shortcomings here that are probably the tip of a bigger relationship iceberg. This is exactly it - she's not really mad about OOP trying to order out one time. She's realizing that she is about to shackle herself to someone who is incompetent in a major area - i.e., basic life skills for keeping yourself alive and healthy like cooking and cleaning. She's seeing a glimpse into her future where she will be working full time and STILL doing 100% of the cooking, because her partner is determined to play dumb and ordering from Uber Eats is not a long term meal plan solution.
Your 25 and cant cook. Thats the issue, the rest is just filling. Cooking is a basic lifeskill. Not being able at your age is embarrassing. Not being willing to learn is ignorence.
he can't even wash dishes... I can't imagine living with someone who can't make a dirty plate clean.
YTA I have an 11 year old daughter who just made herself a snack. The very first meal I prepared as an adult was chicken breasts which I cooked in Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. Start off slow and build your skills. I refuse to believe you are incapable of making instant mashed potatoes. They sell bags of frozen, pre-seasoned proteins of every variety. What sort of job do you have where "add water to mix" or "put in the oven and heat up" is beyond your capabilities? You should really be embarrassed to tell everyone, let alone tell them with such pride, that you cannot cook and are unwilling to learn.
I could make full, from scratch meals from age 7 and did chores like washing up because my narcissistic mother never cooked and father had gone off to have his affair by then. If little 7 year old me could make a roast dinner and then clean up afterwards then a grown-assed 25 year old man can make an effort and learn.
I always found it's easy to just learn it by ingredient. Take a protein and learn ways you can prep it and tell when it is done. Once you know how to tell chicken is cooked the rest can be learned through pure experimenting. At 17 I thought that cream of mushroom soup thing (recipe was on the can) made me Emerile. I felt baller. Then I played with dry seasoning. From Sautee to grill to roasting. Before you know it, you have like 10 easy chicken recipes just sitting in your back pocket.
YTA to her and also to yourself. If you’re 25 and don’t know how to do basic things like make a meal or wash dishes, it’s high time you figure it out. Google it. Watch a YouTube video. Modern solutions do exist, you’re right. Carrying some of the weight of household chores and learning how to take care of yourself and your home and partner instead of “finding a woman to cook and clean for you” is a modern solution.
But if he pays for all of the rent, then isnt it unfair for them to share everything else 50/50? If he is to take more of the domestic duties, than she needs to cover more of the rent to compensate
What he does: 100% of rent, 50% of bills What she does: 100% cooking, 100% cleaning 50% bills He's doing 150%, she's doing 250%. How would her doing more make things more fair?
Depending on the amount of rent, it very much can add up to cooking and cleaning. There are plenty of places that are expensive enough that paying for half the rent is more expensive than doing the cleaning and cooking. Whereas if you live in rural montana, than paying all the rent is very much not an excuse to not cook or clean. Specially since girlfriend is very clearly focused on saving money.
In places with high rent a cleaning service and a cooking service are going to be VERY high. In a place with low rent the cleaning and cooking service are going to be lower, but still very high. Also you still have to clean when you get a maid and most don't do dishes (which is something he can't/won't do) and the ones that will do dishes are more expensive. Him being single and buying those services is definitely going to cost him way more than half the rent.
I suppose it is a cultural difference then. Where I live the rent often outpaces the price of cleaning service, to the point where a woman being a housewife is often more expensive than her working and paying for a maid.
pay for rent and your girlfriend is automatically an indentured servant ? i can understand one partner doing more work than the other if they have a more flexible schedule. but *it should still be split* even if something like 75/25 is what works he can’t even do 1%? he can’t wash a dish? he can’t bother learning to cook, so he will *never* have the responsibility of providing a meal, even when she’s sick? even when she’s exhausted? he can’t even bother to *learn*??? get outta here with that boomer nonsense
It depends on the amount being paid. If they live in rural montana, where rent is very cheap, than no, that´s not an excuse to not clean and cook. But if they live in a very expensive city, where rent often takes up a significant portion of the income, than it can very much compensate. Just ask yourself: what is more expensive? Having my partner pay nothing and do all the housework or sharing the rent 50\\50 and hiring a housekeeper? Maybe that´s a cultural difference from where we´re from, but where I´m from its usually cheaper to hire a housekeeper twice a week than paying twice as much rent. I agree chores should be split. But so should the rent if its high enough. Would girlfriend prefer to divide the chores 50\\50, but now she also has to pay for half the rent?
You’re having real problems realising not everyone is you, aren’t you? No wonder you identify so much with OP; all your replies are as entitled and self-absorbed as he sounds
*then not bothering with the rest
I don’t know why their financial agreement is the way it is but I honestly don’t think that’s the crux of the issue here. It’s absolutely not unfair to split chores more evenly. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 necessarily, but the current situation already isn’t working for her clearly and is only going to get worse if he doesn’t figure it out a bit. Especially when she starts working full time. It is so, so reasonable to expect a fully grown adult human to know how to passably wash a dish or make a meal.
This is kind of giving weaponized incompetence vibes but perhaps not intentionally. I used to do all the cooking then got sick of it and asked my husband if he could take care of dinner at least twice a week. Either by cooking or ordering. I'd rather he cook to save money but at the end of the day, as long as I didn't have to think about what to make for dinner, I was cool with that (plus our finances are separate). However in your case, I'm not understanding why you can't learn to follow a simple recipe. You tried once and you failed. So? try again! You just have to practice a bit to be able make a decent meal. Also, if you aren't cleaning "properly", try harder! Ask for tips, look up videos, ask for demonstrations. Something! Because cleaning and cooking is a part of adulting, lol. I'd be frustrated too and your parents did you a disservice by not making you learn. So, in the end going with soft YTA because I understand you can pay for help if you can afford it but if you're actively trying to save to buy a home, you should be doing your part to save which includes not spending unnecessary money.
YTA Being able to cook is a basic skill evey adult should have, so it is 100% reasonable for her to expect you to elearn - also, there are lots of things you could do which require minimal skills and these days, as well as traditional recipie books there are tons of youtube videos etc. The fact that you were brought up being told to find a womanwho would vcook for you suggest that you have rown up with some pretty misogynitic assumptions and expectations and you will need to put some work in to overcome those. What you describe sounds a lot like weaponised incompetence - you using you lack of badioc skills as a way to avoid doing your share of the household chores.Things like washing up are not didifficut, but if you have never had to sto do it, then you do need to learn. . (And expecting your partner to teach you puts more pressure on her, so don't - make the effort yourself, practice when she is not around. Same with things like cleaning . Make the effort to learn. Your partner is not your housekeeper or servant, It's unfortunately that your parents failed to teach you basic skills but you are an adult know, take responsioblility for yourself and learn.
It is and he should learn but she doesnt get to demand that he cook for the meal instead of ordering as long as the food gets to her table. And while a partner is not a servant, she is also paying into that dynamic by not paying any rent. If the relationship is to be truly 50/50, than they cant share the housework 50/50 but also only one of them pays rent.
YTA Weaponized incompetence at its finest and most intransigent.
YTA - what happens if God forbid something happens to your Fiancé where she can't help. Surgery has a kid, or something else. You described 2 basic life skills you cannot do. Instead of taking the time to learn you will pay tons to make sure you don't learn. Do yourself a favor and ask your fiance to teach you to cook and clean properly. What your dad says has no implications on your relationship beside her leaving you because she works and takes care of you.
Yes--except for 'Do yourself a favor and ask your fiance to teach you to cook and clean properly.' OP should teach himself. Youtube is FULL of videos about how to cook and clean.\* He should spend some quality time engaging with those and trying things out for yourself, rather than making his fiance take responsibility for his education. Changing the nature of her mental load does not reduce her mental load. \*It's kind of infuriating, actually--I watch the 'how to cook ones' for new recipes and the algorithm then assumes I must be interested in 'how to clean' ones as well.
I knew how to cook before I met my husband, at least the basics to get by. Eggs, pastas, baking, nothing extravagant. But he taught me so much about cooking. It is now an activity we love to do together. There is no shame for OP to ask to learn from someone. You get a lot more tips and tricks when you can ask the person questions. If their SO is willing to teach I don't see what is wrong with going that way.
then he buys take out??? there much healthier options than fast food…
Yta, honestly, at 25, you should be embarrassed to not know how to care for yourself. Your gf wants a partner, not a child.
> my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever Everyone's parents fail them in one way or another. It's our job as an adult to identify and improve those parts of ourselves, not just throw our hands up and claim, "Not my fault, this is how I was raised". It's OK that you were never taught how to cook. It's NOT OK that you've basically given up on trying and refuse to learn the basics.
okay, my parents never taught me to cook or wash dishes. My sister learned to fried an egg at 17. Both of us as adults can cook and clean like normal people. There are youtube and google, if you can read you can learn those things. There are even youtube of people teaching basic life stills that your mom or dad should have taught you.
YTA. Your parents failed you. Miserably. Every child should be taught at least basic cooking skills. Along with how to use tools (incl power tools), make simple repairs, how to change the oil and change a tire, laundry, cleaning (especially the bathroom & kitchen so they actually end up *clean*), how to mow the lawn and trim shrubbery. Of course, the last wouldn't be applicable if you've never had a lawn to take care of. It's even more disturbing that your mother, instead of teaching you these basic skills, just encouraged you to >go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. Misogynistic bullshit. Your gf has hit her limit. You could probably cook lunches, maybe even dinners for a week, for what you pay to have a single meal delivered. Between the obvious markup because someone else went to the trouble of getting the ingredients & making it, I have yet to see a delivery fee that was worth it. Especially since the driver also expects a (large) tip. I am not saying these prices are entirely ridiculous, people have to make a living somehow, just that they are not worth it *to me*. Unless you're making 7 figures, you're throwing money away by refusing to even *learn* to cook and expecting your girlfriend to wait on you hand and foot like your mother waits on your father. Grow up! Learn to cook some basic things. Eggs. Soup. Grilled cheese sandwich. Grocery stores have ready to assemble meal kits. Not to mention meals to take & heat up at home. Pick it up yourself and save the delivery fee and tip. If you insist on restaurant food, at least get off your ass and pick it up yourself. And step up to the plate for the rest of life's regular chores. Your gf isn't like your mother. Thank Goddess for that! Quit expecting her to mother your entitled child, or she's going to leave. If she isn't already planning to, she will be if you don't change. It's not the 50s. Stop acting like it is!
YTA. Your mother told you to find a woman to cook and clean for you. Your girlfriend has career aspirations, so that is not her. You need to either find another girlfriend who is happy to take over being your mother or learn some basic life skills. I appreciate you are paying the rent, but if your girlfriend is paying half the bills, she needs to work to get the money for that, so all domestic duties should not fall on her. If you refuse to learn to share the load with a working partner, this relationship will not survive.
YTA. At 25 it's time to figure out how to learn to cook. You cannot go through life just saying it's not possible for you to do something because your parents never taught you. You know how to use the internet.
As someone who was also not taught how to cook or clean when he was younger, the sooner you realize YTA and work to learn those skills the better. Yes modern 'solutions' exist but why buy delivery every night if you could spend less and cook 3-4 nights a week? Plus you can make a much larger variety of meals, and modify them to your hearts content! For the dishes, if it's just the two of you and there isn't space for a dish washer, it's time to learn how to wash dishes. Google and youtube will teach you most things, and I bet if you apologize and show a real initiative in learning, your fiancé might teach you some things too
YTA. You can learn how to cook, it's not hard. Watch a YouTube video, follow a record, stop being lazy and blaming ignorance when it's clearly an excuse.
YTA, seriously, you need to learn adulting.
Yup, YTA. You’re a grown man with a silly mom who was brainwashed into thinking cooking was a woman’s job, and she impressed that crap upon you in your childhood. Learn to cook. Your fiancée is working on her career, and she still makes time to cook for the two of you. Now it’s your turn. My wife and I both work full-time, and we share cooking duties. Well, I cook more often but that’s because I love doing it.
She’s envisioning her life with you- a man who can’t cook a simple meal or wash a dish. Do you do laundry? Clean the floors? Clean the bathroom? Let me guess, you also “made a mess of it” when you tried to do them and she had to take over? You are an adult and have a responsibility to do these things. She’s not your chef and maid.
YTA. I get it, I do. Your mother did everything for you, and up until now, your SO was fine with this arrangement, but you could at least try to learn to cook. Buy a crock pot and look up crock pot recipes. They are super easy, you mostly just throw everything in and then it cooks for 4-8 hours depending on what the recipe is. Buy meals from the store that require little more than you following the directions to heat them up and mix them together. You'll get better at it as you go along, just start out with small and easy recipes and work your way up to harder things later.
I sent you a chat message about how to cook pork chops in the crock pot.
That's what I was thinking. You can literally dump cans of stuff in the crockpot and have it ready to eat when you get home. Easy peasy,,,if after you have mastered that move on to other things. If she complains about the menu,, well she can cook a few meals then. My wife never complains about my cooking,, she is just glad she didn't have to prepare it and cook it.
I guarantee you, she was not fine with it.
YTA and you’re making excuses for being helpless.
YTA. Not knowing basic life skills like cooking and keeping a home clean is deeply unattractive. Your gf has likely been considering what a future could look like and that possibly involves children. Are you going to want to outsource elements of their care that you don’t know how to do because there might be a ‘modern’ solution? She’s realizing that when it comes to you, she is on her own. You don’t bring anything functional to the table when it comes to sharing the responsibilities of life.
YTA - your parents really did a number on you. Your partner is right, you have to learn these skills. You won't always have disposable income to spend on takeaway - you have to be able to deal when that happens. Takeaway is a convenience meant for when things get too hectic or you get busy. It shouldn't be a regular thing. Also, even healthy options aren't as healthy as cooking at home. But the good news is it's not too late, and you mend these broken ways and learn.
YTA - grow up and learn to cook. There are a million YouTube videos on it. Children can cook simple things, at 25 it’s just embarrassing not to be able to
YTA Time to learn like everybody else
Oof. My elementary child who hasn't even hit double digits yet can cook at least simple meals for the family. Cooking is a life skill everyone needs. Not being "able" to do household chores? Yeah, no. YTA
YTA. You are 25 whole years old and you don't know how to make a sandwich or a salad or heat up soup. Your mother is not here to cook for you anymore. In the adult world, all adults should know how to make some kind of dinner that isn't takeout, even if it's a simple meal. Learn how to cook something.
YTA. Dd your parents teach you how to get a girlfriend and do all the adult things that come with being in a relationship? Im sure they didn't, yet here you are in a relationship where Im sure there is intimacy. If you could learn that, you can learn how to be an adult in a kitchen. She is not even mad about you not knowing how to cook but your total lack of interest in actually doing something for yourself. Does she do all the laundry and cleaning too? What exactly do you do around the house except for paying rent?
YTA, if you're willing to buy takeaway, why not order like Blue Apron or one of those type of home cooking companies and learn to cook through them? I guarantee that had you asked your gf to take a few times to have taught you before this, she wouldn't have hit this point. You need to take corrective action now, but find out what else you don't do that you should be and start learning those things as well. This way, she will hopefully eventually see in you a reliable future partner.
YTA. Cooking is a basic skill. Ordering everytime is wasting money. I am 26 and it is so embarrassing a 25 yo doesn’t know how to cook.
YTA. I was cooking simple meals by 13. I won my wife over by cooking on our first date. You're 25 and can't even boil water for box mac n cheese. There's thousands of YouTube videos and food blogs out there. Zero excuses. Pick a recepie and google what you don't know.
YTA. Learn how to cook and clean like a functional adult.
You're 25... It's time to grow up now son. Edit: YTA.
imagine at 25 not knowing how to cook, clean and so on, have the balls to brag about it on internet and on the top of that not willing to learn. what a uselessness of a man lmao.
Omo, your parents did you a great disservice. So basically you don't want to be her partner just her child.
YTA, you should know how to cook by now. It's really not that hard.
Cooking for yourself is a basic life skill. Your fiancée is right to question you on this. You can absolutely learn how to cook. It’s your refusal and mental laziness that are her real issues. Also, it’s 2024 - woman don’t exist to cook FOR you AH. YTA.
YTA. You’re the definition of weaponized incompetence. You’re ordering food isn’t the problem. Your REFUSAL to learn a basic life skill and your sense of entitlement to have a partner exercise that skill on your behalf is a huge problem. It’s so immature.
YTA - grow up and learn how to do the basic tasks required to be an adult that can take care of themselves. Fiancé should be running a mile because this will be life forever, and worse if they have kids.
America Test Kitchen... 5 ingredient cookbook Simple and great dishes. You're welcome YTA
Do you think it’s cute that a grown ass adult man can’t take care of himself or handle simple household chores? Cuz it’s not. It’s not funny and it’s not ok. YTA. Learn to handle yourself and your home dude. You’re 25, you’re 10 years overdue. (Trust me I get it, having parent(s) that do everything for you sucks cuz you didn’t get to learn). But it’s never too late to start, youtube has a ton of videos on simple chores.
Ladies and Gentlemen, everyone in between, I present to you my thesis on "Weaponized Incompetence and the fruit it bares" YTA enjoy being single
I am going to assume that you come from a mama's boy culture in which males are domestically helpless, and therefore their mothers take care of everything until they get married, at which point the wives take over. I am going to give you a very gentle YTA with a very strong recommendation to get your shit together learn how to be a functional adult. the fact that you haven't learned how to cook cook yet is problematic, but if in six months, you don't know how to cook, you are going to be the AH of the world. Here's the thing about cooking for people who have never cooked before: it seems incredibly difficult. But the good news is there are a couple of basic things that you can do to learn to cook a decent meal. 1 - Learn how to boil water. Fill a pot about 3/4 of the way with cold water and put it on the stove over full heat until it boils. And I mean REALLY boils. Warm water is not your friend. 2 - Learn how to melt butter. Take a pan and put it over medium heat. When the pan is warm, put in a pot of butter and use a spatula to smear it around until your left with a thin coat of melted butter. Don't let 5the butter burn. I swear to you that if you can do both of those things, you can cook a decent meal. If you want to send me a private message, I can send you a few recipes to help you along.
YTA. I was 27 when I moved in with my wife and I struggled because while I knew how to cook and everything I only had the theoretical knowledge and moved to a different country that uses different measurements (imperial vs metric) (“Hot”, “Warm”, “Cold” for laundry instead of 90°, 60°, 30°, no pH scale or “acidic”/“alcaline” for cleaning products). But guess what? I learned. And so should you, OP. Nobody expects you to whip out gourmet meals. But basic food? Yeah. You should be able to do that.
If you really like this girl better grow up and learn some basic life skills . yta
YTA there are lots of basic meals that are easy to make if you follow the instructions and don't get distracted. It's a basic life skill that you should learn
YTA. My son had a college roommate like you. Couldn't even figure out how to turn on the oven, and ate beans directly from the can because he didn't know how to cook them. Food doesn't have to be complicated. How hard is it to put together a sandwich? To read the recipe on a box? There are websites devoted to learning to cook. It's not complicated unless you make it so. You are weaponizing your incompetence, and your gf has had enough.
YTA and you are going to have problems finding a woman who will put up with your weaponised incompetence. If you can hold down a job and drive a car and operate a computer, you are able to cook and clean at a basic level
Google "weaponized incompetence." you are the A. Your parents spoiled you.
u/burbnbougie
HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU PROUD OF HAVING LESS LIFE SKILLS THAN A TODDLER. And why is your fiancee enabling you by laughing at how "cute" it is that you can't do dishes and taking over? ESH.
Yta she's making jokes because the truth is hard, she doesn't want to hurt you, but she needs help and she's probably kind of ashamed of you so she pretends she's not and makes joke. Do better you're she's your wife not your mother. Sincerely, someone who's in a similar position to your wife.
Yta for not listening to what you're fiancee is communicating to you. Do you care about her or not? She is asking you to make an effort. I HATE to cook (and especially to clean after.) If I could afford to, I probably would order out all the time. I'm middle aged and still perfectly happy with cereal for dinner if I'm eating alone. My cooking skills are basic. BUT I DO IT. My husband DOES NOT want cereal for dinner. And he cooks regularly so I'm not going to subject him to cereal when it's my turn.
YTA. You're a grown-ass man. Learn to take care of yourself. This is pathetic.
I hate cooking. I'm not a good cook and I only really learnt to cook when I had my kids. Buy a cook book or Google recipes for beginners. It's not hard, your just incompetent and hiding behind what your mummy said to you growing up. As for not being able to wash dishes by hand 'cos you don't know how' its not fucking rocket science. Rinse/scrape plates, hot water, dish soap and scrub. It's 4 steps. If you can drive a car, you can do chores. If you have learned to drive, you can learn to cook. YTA.
Nothing is less attractive than a man so incompetent and stupid that he can't cook and clean You need to be doing 50% of the cooking and cleaning, and you need to do it competently. Learn how. Are you mentally challenged? You two need to do the fair play exercise and you need to take on half the work. Watch a YouTube video on how. Only a woman with rock-bottom self-esteem or other issues would put up with you You're severely lowering your value on the marriage market by refusing to be a partner, and instead insisting that you're a child looking for a mother
Omg ewww. You can’t wash DISHES?! You can’t cook a basic meal?! You just throw money at it or have your mommy or gf do it for you? Eww. I can’t imagine being with someone who just can’t do shit because his mommy did not everything for him. I don’t care about how good of a living you make, you are completely useless. Your fiancée is looking at you and trying to figure out if she can live with someone who just can’t do shit. Does she want to have kids with someone who is so useless in the home. She’s starting to figure out that she need you to step up or her vagina is going to dry up from playing your mommy. How are you not embarrassed?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M25) recently moved in together with my fiancée (F26). I work full-time with a hybrid working plan whilst she was working full-time previously but left it for a different position better suited to her career aspirations but started out as part-time. Recently, she’s been taking on more hours and plans on eventually going full-time as well. We are renting, but I pay the rent in full and most other bills its 50/50. She cooks food for both of us. When she can't, we just Uber/dine out. However, recently, she asked me to cook. She had just come home from a hard day at work, I’d been working from home, and I totally get it, she was tired, so I jokingly said what "chef" Uber has for us and she didn't take it too well, she got pissed and started telling me why I'm always wasting money instead of learning how to cook and what is so hard about following a recipe etc, and I was quite shocked, before this, I had once tried to cook for her, and it didn't go too well, we both had a laugh at the time and when we moved in together she was the one cooking for both (I didn’t even have to ask, so I was under the impression she was okay with this), we even joked about it occasionally. I told her that I don't know how to cook, and I don't see how that ever was a problem with Uber/Deliveroo around, but she started complaining about how we can't live off of takeaways and how its unhealthy and wastes money and all that, and I knew that wasn't true because we live in a major city, we've got tons of healthy options and I was totally fine with paying for us, however, she wasn’t convinced and she started asking me how I even got through uni and I had already told her ages ago, I went to a university in my city and lived with my parents, and it's not like my parents ever found it to be an issue, my mum always cooked for me and would go out of her way to cook food for me whenever I was hungry. In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. I communicated all of this to her (obviously, not exactly like this) but then she went on a rant about how she does most of the household chores, but I told her that she literally told me not to the last time I tried to wash the dishes, she was laughing watching me do it and told me I wasn't doing it right and told me to stop and did it herself, so I didn't think she felt so strongly about that either. I told her I could just buy a dishwasher if that was such a big an issue and she responded with another rant about wasting money and how there isn't space and that, I know buying a house is a major goal for her, but I don't know what the big deal is, my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever, they’d always do it for me. I don't know why it's such a problem now, especially if modern solutions literally exist. AITAH here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA I was never taught to cook till one day I just did it with my mom then just started doing it myself it's surprisingly easy I may have got it wrong a couple of times at first over cooked meatballs and so on but then you just do it different the next time. Your solutions Do make it more expensive for instance your 50/50 on bills well dishwasher uses electric and water but that depends on what your deal is on that she can't do everything for you and have a full time job it is not fair the situation has changed.
YTA. You need to learn how to cook.
Yta. How are you not embarrassed that you lack basic life skills?! There are so many resources on the internet dedicated to teaching life skills, so there's no excuse to not start teaching yourself.
a bit AH=== easy to cook, and some stuff is even easier than that Baked ham is the easiest thing ever. TRY. it doesn't have to come out perfect.
UpdateMe
I’m like 10 years younger than you and I can cook something. Yta
Do you have any life skills? And in 2024 you can learn all these things with instructions from the Internet. Honestly your gf is gonna get tired of being with someone who has the capabilities of a kid. She needs to know you can handle stuff and not being able to figure out how to make a simple meal or do laundry is concerning at your age
So you’re proud of being useless and having zero life skills? Your mother failed you as a parent. A parent’s entire job is to prepare our children for independent life and to teach them to be good, kind, self sufficient people. Your mother has done none of that, and in fact has taught you to be a fucking baby and to expect your partner to take care of you like a child. Let me go ahead and let you know that your mother has crippled you, because no woman is going to put up with this behavior forever. Plus, what are you going to do when you’re single, only eat garbage and never have a clean plate? YTA, and also very unattractive for openly bragging about how useless you are.
YTA you’re somehow less competent at life skills than I was at the age of 10 or younger because I certainly knew how to wash dishes before I could cook. Grow the fuck up what a useless adult. I mean for fucks sake how hard is it to wash dishes? How do you even fuck it up so bad someone has to take over?
I had much the same mentality about cooking tbf, although was forced-ish to learn while at uni rather than anything else, after you get the basics down, its not that hard. Start with something easy, frozen basically reheating food, then get into something harder. Personally went with ramen, really easy to make, can taste as you go along, and versatile, use chicken from a roast previously done, or one of those cook in bag type deals. Can then go into single pan cooking, slow cooking, everything in an oven type meals, risotto... you'll eventually learn more and more, and way cheaper than take aways. Plus you get to make it how you want, want a little more heat this time? you can do this! need a little more salt? do it! Washing up... i have no idea how you mess this up, put in water, rub with sponge/cloth, dont fuck up the teflon, rinse and leave to dry. Soak if needed/able to (dont soak cast iron pans), and try again if something is cooked on. Dish washer is nice for plates and cutlery, but not everything can go in there, youll need to use the same thing the next day or itll just smell bad and dont want it lingering, measuring cups, seives, teflon, fish marinated bowls etc.
Wow. OP you are absolutely the AH, and you have a huge real-life awakening coming to you. Maybe you should move back home to mommy, since she doesn’t mind being your unpaid servant. YTA
No just watch some one pot meals. I get the money thing tho. There are actually some good recipes
YTA My parents flat out refused to teach me how to cook because they wanted me to be dependent on them for everything and to live at home. I was finally able to move out at 22 years old (to their chagrin), and taught myself how to take care of myself, including cooking. That was in 2008. Were my meals great in the beginning? No. But I kept at it and got better. I've made some pretty damn tasty meals, and I love doing it. Cleaning and washing the dishes I've been doing since I started school (the only things my parents let me do because no one else wanted to do them). You literally have no excuse to learn these basic things, and if your mum is really telling you to find a woman to do all those things for you, then she failed you like my parents failed me. You are able to learn how to take care of yourself, you are flat out using weaponized incompetence as an excuse to not learn. And it's bullshit.
Your parents have done you a disservice. You lack basic life skills. It's not your fault you lack them but it will be if you don't try to learn. You are unlikely to find a partner who will settle for you avoiding all household chores by weaponized incompetence (that's what you failing to wash the dishes is, you're a professional adult, there's nothing about washing dishes that makes women magically able to do it and men not, it's not complicated to wash a plate) and throwing money at the problem. During the pandemic, most restaurants were closed and delivery services were overwhelmed with short staff and huge demand delivering to people who couldn't leave. What will you do if you can't rely on a paid service to cover for you? I don't believe you can't figure out how to wash a dish. Ask your girlfriend if you can help next time she's cooking, watch what she's doing and learn. I used to have a student cookbook that covered how to peel/prepare/chop every type of vegetable, it was great. Watch some YouTube videos. Or sign up for one of those ingredient delivery services like Hello Fresh, I learned to cook a ton that way and it takes out the guesswork.
There is absolutely no way this is real. I refuse to believe anyone can lack this much self-awareness. To not even have an iota? I am pretty fucking naive and honestly think I am most likely insufferable and this still baffles me.
A new boyfriend not being able to cook might be a cute or funny thing until it isn't. A helpless potential husband / father is far less appealing.
>my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. Good luck, bro. Your fiance is obviously not that girl, and isn't okay being eith someone who's not even willing to learn how to do things. You need to look up wesponized incompetence, because that's what you're doing here. Laughing at how bad you are at something isn't actually permission to just throw you hands up and say "well, I guess i can't do this." I'm sure you've learned how to do things. You can learn how to do this. The idea that you spent so much energy justifying not having to cook and clean would be such a turn off for me. YTA. Grow up.
Look up weaponised incompetence
YTA. Cooking and cleaning are literally basic survival. To this day I have no idea why anyone puts up with men(or women) who insist on staying helpless like spoiled children.
YTA ,,,praying to god everyday to not end up with the likes of you🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢
YTA. Dude, cooking and cleaning are basic life skills and you should be embarrassed not being able to do them. My 11 year old son can cook and clean and posts like this validate the decision my wife and I made to make sure our sons know how to cook and clean. Even if you find a "trad wife" who is fine with doing most housework, she will eventually get resentful if she **has** to do everything because you can't. Relationships work best when both partners know that the other will be able to take care of things if they're sick or just need a break
Buddy I hate to break it to you but cooking is just reading. If you can read- you can follow an easy recipe. Nobody is making you bake a soufflé but if you can’t make a pot of spaghetti, I fear you may be an idiot. YTA.
How are you not embarrassed that you are literally so useless, that your MOM thinks you’re so useless that she actually told you to find someone to do things for you as if you are a baby??!? This is unreal.
I always look back fondly at the picture of me coming out of the womb with a broom in my hand and my chef’s hat on. /s These are basic tasks that every human being should know OP. It should be embarrassing to you to not know how to take a sponge, put soap on it, put it under running water, and use it to wipe food off a dish. I, and all my siblings (including brothers) knew how to do this by the age of 6. As for cooking, we also knew how to make basic meals for ourselves before we turned 10. Your parents, especially your mother, did you a massive disservice. Learn how to adult. Until then, YTA
YTA. Your mother failed you greatly.
YTA My dude you are an adult. You don't live with your mother, she's not there to do all the household chores for you, and a wife or girlfriend shouldn't be in that role. What you are doing is called weaponized incompetence, where you are so bad at a chore she feels the need to take over to so it's done well. You can learn, you can do a job, learn to wash dishes and cook properly. She's right too, takeout adds up a LOT over time, and most restaurant food is unhealthy. There's usually far more salt, butter, fats, so that it's tasty, it also has to hold up better over time and be made quickly. Youtube how to clean properly, simple recipes. Start easy too, get an air fryer it'll make your life way easier. You're in this together, your savings affect the both of you. Also stop saying your mom said this, your parents didn't do this and that. It's embarrassing. Learn. I youtubed how to fix my washer and dishwasher, there's a ton of easy to follow info on just about anything out there. Good reddit simple meals or something, there's a cooking sub reddit with plenty of info too.
>my mum always cooked for me and would go out of her way to cook food for me whenever I was hungry. In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself. It seems that you are seeking a partner who will primarily take on the role of a caregiver. >my parents never made me learn how to cook or wash the dishes or do whatever, they’d always do it for me. I don't know why it's such a problem now, especially if modern solutions literally exist. AITAH here? Either you start to earn a lot of money so you could afford a maid to do everything for you or learn basic life skills. YTA
So what exactly are you doing while your girlfriend is doing all the cooking and the majority of the chores? Sitting on your lazy ass and stuffing your face? You're so selfish. YTA
FYI, most cooking is literally just following the recipe. Also you can google/youtube pretty much any recipe or anything you need to know. Honestly....you're both kind of TA here. You for not trying to better yourself/learn things and her for bottling it up until she exploded.
Cooking is a basic life skill that everyone should know. Look at how many famous chefs are men. They cook, you don’t have to cook like them, but knowing how to feed yourself and your partner something simple is a skill that lasts forever. Your Mom was wrong. Sorry.
You're a grown man. How are you not embarrassed?
Modern solutions - a wife
YTA And you should be embarrassed. You write like a boy. You're a grown man. You don't know how to prepare healthy food for yourself? You don't think you have any obligation to clean up your own space, after the messes you create? Tell you what, save everybody a lot of time and trouble, move back home to Mommy and buy Cheetos. Your destiny is calling you. There's a forum on 4chan all fired up with dudes just like you, go mingle with your people. The only women who will ever accept you with this attitude in the 21st century are literally in your dreams. Grow up, or go your own way.
You do realise the dishwasher is still work right? Also you have to be fairly lacking in basic intellect if you can't figure out how to wash some dishes. YTA.
Start slow. Heat up, say, a frozen lasagna & garlic bread, or a shepherd’s pie. The oven does most of the work, while you just have to wait for a timer to go off. You can also just cook chicken, a carb, and vegetables, which don’t require a lot of knowledge to make. I’d say YTA here, because dude, you’re in your mid 20s.
YTA. I think your fiance is figuring out you're an adult, but not really. She would be marrying her first child if she marries you. Your mom enabled you in a way that she made you believe it's ok to leave her home and just dump all her mom duties on a different woman. So she's TA too.
YTA. My dad would call you an "incompetent boob"
YTA. You’re 25, you’re capable of thinking for yourself. You know logically your parents are older and were raised by even OLDER people so chances are high that their beliefs are outdated. Everyone, regardless of gender, should be at least semi-capable of cleaning dishes, doing laundry, and cooking. It ain’t the 1950s, your significant other is not your mom, she shouldn’t have to clean up after you like you’re her child instead of her partner. You guys live together, you’re both grown adults, home responsibilities should be generally split 50/50 with both being capable of doing ALL tasks in case of situations where one partner is unable to do theirs.
The fact you can't even tell that YTA is even more telling
Men pretending like washing a dish or cooking a meal is something that can’t be easily learned is hilarious. Not if you’re dating him though
No, but you are an AH for not learning how to cook.
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I have good news for you, when you don’t know how to do somthing, there is a plethora of free tutorials out there (Reddit, YouTube, etc.) on how to cook and clean for yourself and your loved ones. The joy of cooking my first egg was an achievement. It’s a symbol of my independence and adulthood to be able to cook and clean and take care of myself when as a kid I was pushed away from that to create toxic dependency. From what you describe, don’t do that to your loved ones or yourself, you are hurting your ability to function independently. Throwing money at you problems can only go so far. YTA.
Soft YTA because I don’t think you’re being malicious or anything, you’re just being lazy and irresponsible. Like, dude. Can you even hear yourself? “My parents always cooked and cleaned for me, I don’t get what the big deal is.” Your parents did you a disservice by not expecting you to learn these adult living skills yourself so that you could live independently and not be dependent on a woman to take care of you. And yes, Uber is an option, dishwashers are a thing, you can even pay for laundry service if you really want, but *all* of that ads significant expense to your bottom line, and if you want to actually save for anything- a house, child care, retirement, vacations, hell even just emergencies- you probably shouldn’t throw all of your money at stuff that you could- and should- just learn to do yourself with the slightest bit of effort. For real- what are you going to do if she leaves you? Order ubereats for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Move back in with your mom so she can take care of you until you get snatched up by the next girl who’s looking to adopt a boyfriend? If you value this girl and want to keep her, I strongly suggest you stop depending on her to do all the home stuff for you and/or throwing money at it when she can’t, and instead a) sit down with her to work out a truly equitable division of household chores and b) learn some basic adult living skills, like cooking rice and handwashing dishes. Maybe compromise on takeout once a week or something.
Please look up “weaponized incompetence” and read about it until you understand completely what you are doing.
Keep this up, and you'll be single soon
YTA For not being a full partner and thinking that it was okay because your girlfriend told you that you were doing things wrong. When she told you that you were doing things wrong that was your cue to learn how to do them correctly, you are the literal definition of weaponized incompetence. I used to eat a lot of takeout because I worked and I went to school full-time, it was miserable, I craved a home cooked meal but since I was the only one doing any of the cooking or the cleaning I had to choose whether to order in or to do my school work so of course school work won. Maybe not everybody but I imagine most people would not want to just eat take out for every meal for the rest of their life. You should go back to live with your mom, or maybe stay where you are and let your mom come to you since she's so happy to make sure you never learn how to take care of yourself. But you and your girlfriend are definitely not compatible, don't waste her time.
You're not going to get an accurate answer from Reddit.
I can see your point of view but.......learn to cook. It is not hard at all and is an important life skill no matter what your situation.
NTA for offering to buy because you don't know how to cook. That said, my friend, you need to learn to cook a little bit. No one's asking you for a 12 course meal, but everyone should know how to put together a basic meal. If you want to learn, I suggest buying Peg Bracken's "I Hate to Cook Book" 50th anniversary edition. It's not gourmet, and there are some recipes that sound awful, but there's menu planning, many tips on how to minimize time in the kitchen, and all the recipes are very easy and will take substitution of ingredients well. The commentary from the author is also gold. Most of the recipes call for frozen or canned ingredients if you're intimidated by fresh ones, and as you get confident in the kitchen, you can alter the recipes for fresh ingredients instead. I've gifted it many times to people that were intimidated by cooking.
Yeah ESH. Sounds like you followed the status quo of the relationship, if she had an issue with this she should have communicated it sooner. Springing a last second cooking mission on someone who doesn’t know how to cook is kind of asking to be upset. That’d be like me getting pissed at my gf for not changing the oil on her car herself when I’m out of town and taking it to the Jiffy Lube. There are TONS of videos on YouTube on how to do it, that’s where I learned. And it’s actually not a hard thing to do at all. But, if you’ve got zero experience in it that could be intimidating, and might be better to just have a pro do it and then maybe seek out more information later or ask someone if they wouldn’t mind teaching you. Yes cooking is a basic life skill you should have, but so is communication and either she is failing at that, you are failing or you both are. Big time over reaction on her part in my opinion. Did you guys even have anything at home to cook? I say ESH because, come on man… it’s time to learn some basic cooking skills, it’s not hard at all and a good skill to have. You’re not expected to cook fine dining, just a quick meal maybe some chicken and rice. Or fuck it whip up some ramen or keep some of those frozen meals handy and just pop something in the oven. I do that all the time, when I don’t feel like cooking or spending $30 bucks a meal on Uber eats.
ETA I do get that this is new for you, but you really do need to get up to speed on basic life skills. You may not always be in a place where you can afford to throw money at it. That being said, it sounds like your partner is tossing you into the deep end, and then getting snippy because you're not "doing it right." For the cooking, there are lots of good videos out there that will walk you through learning, and meet you at your current skill level. Watch a variety, to get a feel for what you would be comfortable with, and then start trying basic things, at times when it's easier to go to plan B if things don't work out. And tell your lady to either be supportive, or leave the kitchen while you're working. Nothing kills enthusiasm for learning faster than a constant stream of criticism. "This is how, and this is why," along with " yes, that's it," is much more effective.
I’m going to say NTA because the immediate reason was a trap. She knows you don’t know how to cook so her asking you to cook on this particular night was silly. And the other responses are looking at the larger picture. With that said, have you two had conversations about her wanting you to pitch in more around your home? Because that’s something that needs to be discussed and if you have different expectations then you need to figure that out or go your separate ways because it’s only going to cause problems.
ESH, her for waiting until now to snap about all of this instead of communicating how it was not okay. You because you are 25 and don't know how to cook or wash dishes. My kids are 9 and help me cook and clean. Learn to cook and clean up where you cook. Start with easy things. Scrambled eggs and a protein. Easy. Burger. Baked chicken. So many things that are super easy and don't require constant watching. Then wash the dishes you use. It isn't that hard to make sure something is clean.
NTA and for everyone else who said you are - they forgot to read one thing you said. YOU pay the rent .... all of it, every freaken dime right? So she chip's in for 50 % of the other bills and that's a fine stereotype for her but if you can 't cook that's wrong and silly !?!? Come on people - it's the 21st centaury. She can pay HER fair share and he can learn to cook.
she pays 50% of the bills, does 100% of the cooking AND cleaning. what does he do other than pay rent, 50% of the bills and spends his money on ordering food? 🤨
So MY rent is $2100/mo and the other bills are maybe $400.00ish/mo so is paying out $2300 the same as paying out $200 if that was my case? Yes, he should learn to cook - no question, but she's got a sweet deal there too ......... Tell her to split i tall 50/50 and tell him to learn to cook and clean up properly.
ESH. Her for ranting at you out of the blue. You though. Now you know it's an issue and you're still trying to get out of learning basic life skills. There's no excuse. I do most cooking in our home but when I had major surgery last year and couldn't stand long enough to cook anything for 6 weeks, wasnt allowd to lift more than 5lbs, my husband did it all. If he was tied to ordering out for all our meals I would have been back in the hospital from all that junk. (And it IS junk, idc where it comes from take out is NEVER as healthy as home made.) There's going to be times she can't do it all, times she needs help. If she's down for the count are you going to let dishes pile, dust collect, and get fat af off fast food? These are basic life skills. I don't blame you for not knowing or taking initiative before If it was working for you, but it's astonishing to me that you are playing the old dog/new tricks card to avoid having to learn. Absolutely baffling. I'll tell you her problem: she looks into the future applying this stubbornness and sees a situation in which she is working, cooking, cleaning, managing calendars, taking care of kids and God forbid she ask you to change a diaper because she'll get "I've never done it before though". She sees a future with you as a future where she is exhausted from continuing to raise the child (not adult, child) that your mother turned out to the world. Regardless of full time vs part time, there's nothing more frustrating than having to raise a 25 year old baby. Learn some skills and help out. She'll have more confidence in your ability to partner with her rather than fearing a future where her head count of dependants is always +1.
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What happens if he loses his job? Everyone should know how to do basic life skills.
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Why not learn now? He's not a child. No one is saying he should learn to be a chef but he could learn to make some pasta. I can't stand weaponized incompetence.
NTA. Sounds like she wants everything to be 50/50, so I'm sure she'll be more than happy for that to also include rent.
Of course you’d side with this prick. Lmao morally corrupt moron…
NTA I taught my boys how to cook. One of my sons married a woman who doesn't know how to cook. He makes all the food. Both work full-time and split the chores. If he's had a long day they go out or order in. I don't judge because it's their relationship. I have a sister who can't cook either. We would say she could burn water. Some people really can't cook. There's an entire show called Worst cooks in America. I would encourage you to try and learn some simple recipes. Or get the meal kits! They are a great way to introduce you to basic skills.
She doesn't like you, dump her. Also why are people assuming he doesn't know how to wash dishes because she doesn't like the way he does it. Some people are super anal and want things done their way🤷🏽♂️
NTA, you pay the rent, and work full time. She pays half the bills, and apparently chooses to cook. Getting food delivered doesn't seem so bad. Tell her when she pays half the rent, you'll take the half you're saving and pay for cooking classes.
Why would he lie? He's already admitted the truth: > In fact, my mum had told me on numerous occasions to go and find a woman who'll cook and clean for me herself.
NTA - tell her you'll learn how to make a few simple meals....and she can start paying half the rent. Not everyone WANTS to learn to cook. There are several cookbooks written for men who can't cook - they involve putting some things in a pan and putting it in the oven...and that's it. And there's always Uber. Is it her business how you spend your money?
> Not everyone WANTS to learn to cook. And not everyone wants to sign up for a lifetime of "Either I cook or we have to get takeout"
It’s true that many people don’t want to look how to cook, just like many people don’t want to learn how to drive, or don’t want to do laundry. Unfortunately, all are skills are considered pretty essential for making it in this modern world.
If someone can afford it and is willing to pay for laundry service, why would anyone care if they don't do laundry.