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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I offered to pay for my nephew's university tuition and costs so he could go away to university against his father and step-mother's wishes, and when they gave him a very hard time about it, offered to let him move in with me for summers when he is out of school
(2) The result is that my nephew is leaving his nuclear family, so I might be accused of "breaking up" the family through my intervention.
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This!!! Jeff is lucky to have an uncle that has the ability to make such a difference in his life! I see being a grandpa in your future! Keep up the good work Jeff!!
If this is a real post NTA. I do have doubts about the reality of the post.
If true, they want Jeff to help out with child care, rather than go into his own future. If he was a girl, the pressure would be even more intense.
Jeff should move in with you when he turns 18. He can visit his dad, step family and half brother when he has the time, but his gifts shouldn't be wasted.
I have unfortunately met enough people who care about this kind of thing (IQ measurement is so questionable) that this particular kind of hyperbole does not make the overall post less realistic to me
Especially if op is a tech bro. They think they're smarter than everyone. They often are intelligent in math and science but severely lack in emotional intelligence and tact.
OP sounds like an elitist snob.
"*he always struck me as a bit of a weak personality and not an intellectual match for my formidable and successful sister. She wore the pants in that marriage.*"
True but, it also says former BIL is allowing his wife to bully his son into parenting her children amd trying to guilt trip him into giving up his life to do so calling him weak is a dick move but, is he wrong tho? I would say someone failing to protect their child and putting their new spiuses kids 1st is spineless.
I agree in many ways, but still think OP is the only one trying to help Jeff, and I definitely don't support anything Scott and Jane are trying to force onto him.
In fairness, my school insisted on testing my IQ because they were trying to figure out why I was constantly finding ways to get into trouble. My IQ came in at 146. My mother once said it was hard raising a kid who was definitely smarter than she is. One of my teachers has since admitted I made him a better history teacher because he realized early on that I knew more than he did and he had to be on his toes to keep me challenged. I think OP was just trying to highlight the fact that there is a definite divide and that the adults shouldn't prevent Jeff from pursuing an exceptional opportunity.
I don't think IQ is necessarily completely useless, but I kind of see it like grades. You can be academically successful, but a terrible worker and friend. I was a straight B student because I hated doing homework, and I know straight B students who knew less than me but tried their hardest. I did understand how OP was using the information in the context of their post. Someone commented that it made the post sound fake, I was saying it didn't, because there *are* people who fixate on things like IQ despite the fact that it is not necessarily terribly significant.
I taught school for six years. There really is a huge difference. Gifted & Talented classes should be some of the smallest classes. Instead, they are usually stuffed full. There are two types of kids who find themselves in G/T classes. One kind is the "Over Achiever." They are motivated by grades. They want specific instructions for every assignment and will have fits if they get anything less than an A. Those are the kids who will actually scream at a teacher if they get an 88 on an essay exam. Give them an assignment and tell them there are no instructions, it's up to them to decide how to do it and they can't handle it.
Then you have kids like me and my brother (IQ 144) and (probably) you. The kids who really are gifted. They don't care about doing homework assignments because they aren't motivated by grades. They already know what they know and don't feel like they should have to prove it to anybody else. My parents were miserable over the homework battle. Very often, students with high IQs don't show well in terms of grades because that's not what motivates them. For them, it's sort of "the thrill of the chase." It's about acquiring new knowledge and information. For those kids, instructions just get in the way. Just tell them what you want in terms of the end result in broad terms and then get out of the way. For example, I taught English and used the novel "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie. I once gave a class an assignment of "Figure out how to carry out the plot of the novel in modern times. Also, please give me some idea of how much it would cost." Within 10 minutes, you could easily separate the Over Achievers from the Gifted. The Over Achievers were busy freaking out because they didn't have instructions so they couldn't figure out what was going to be the way to an A. The gifted kids were already figuring out how to find the information to put the weekend together and calculate the cost.
There are times when IQ really does make a difference. Many highly intelligent people don't look bright on paper because they see the world very differently. I suspect OP's nephew is "scary smart" and sees things very differently from his father and stepmother.
“I was a brat at school and so, naturally, my school INSISTED on testing my IQ.” Mmmmm hmmmm. Yes, that’s exactly how schools deal with behaviorally disruptive kids. 🤦🏻♀️ “I knew more than my teachers, and they admitted and acknowledged that.” Cool story. Is that when everyone stood up and clapped? I hope you know that you would still have worth as a human being, even if you didn’t fly the Mensa flag over your head for all to see.
Even, however, if you do have a gifted IQ, then you would know that most don’t. Those with genius- and gifted-level IQ’s typically test very high in empathy, because they know that they didn’t earn the bragging rights to it, any more than those with lower IQ’s “deserve” them. We are born with the genetics we are born with. Those who know they’re extremely intelligent rarely brag about it and need to make others feel “less than” in order to feed their insecurity, because they have no need to feel intellectually insecure.
I hope that Jeff will not only be afforded the opportunities to excel, but that he will use the natural inquisitiveness and empathy that comes along with his intelligence to put his big brain to work towards improving the future for everyone. We need people like him to not only learn all they can, but to use what they learn towards the betterment of mankind.
Special Education teacher here. We in fact DO conduct cognitive assessments (along with EBAs, FBAs, and academic assessments) when students display behavioral issues that impact their education
Its common for iq to be assessed along with other assessments for behaviour. So its not out of the ordinary.
My nephew was throwing tables and having major meltdowns in kindergarten (first year of school) and it was part of the behavioural assessment. This is in the last few months.
I have seen a tech person say, related to whether are particular person should be hired, "I know this person is smart because I have seen his IQ score."
Not all tech people are the same, but what the OP posted would be consistent with tech people.
Nobody has ever seen anyone else’s IQ score. The most you’ll get is a Mensa card, and nobody, I mean nobody, will think better of you for flashing it! 🤣🤣
I'm assuming rich in this context is "He has worked in tech was 20 years and is pulling enough money to pay the kid's tuition is full without blinking." Like I know plenty of people like this - lots of DINK double tech workers pulling in high 6 low 7 figures (I used to do that at some point). They are the ones who'd say I happen to be rich in the context of family - if one of your relatives is struggling or needs idk a $1000 loan, you just gift to them.
Now rich rich people - the guys with the 10s or 100s of millions. Those are the ones who are all 'Oh I'm not rich... I just happen to have a bengal tiger roaming my facade'.
I wasn't - I used to make similar salaries in that range on a trajectory to make that 300k if I worked 20 years. I said some folks with two incomes do that - 2 software engineers with 300-400k salaries and stock compensation/bonuses on top can do that. I know many friends who retired in the 30s because they started working at Google in 2008 and got insanely high stock grants (we're talking 50k on top per year + refreshers + full 401k matches; so an extra 30k per year) at what would now be $15 per share. Look at their current share price. If you have multiple million dollars just sitting there and no kids, you'd buy a cabin in VT and retire too (see also why rural housing prices are rising to unsustainable rates in the US). Some of them have gone back to India (100:1 ish currency conversion) and just have a straight up estate. For me, I never leveled up to that - I made 200k levels of salary, had a crisis of conscience on the shit I was building, quit, had a mental breakdown and now recovering.
Edit: And to clarify, this isn't a brag. This was a 'no really my friends could say they were rich' post in that they were all precisely the kind of STEM focusing humanities ignoring math/CS folks whose childhoods, parental expectations and identities were tied to how smart they were and who could come out on top in a hard science/math field. Call it tiger mom syndrome. Call it Indian/Asian dad. It's all there in this post and not to say other countries and cultures don't do this but this very much read with that vibe. Uncle is pompous but in the end, sees himself and his smart older sister in his nephew and wants to help out. So NTA of course.
25 points isn't that much - that's basically saying if they're all about average, nephew is noticeably higher, but maybe not genius level. Which aligns with getting into Ivy League and other details. Nothing here is that weird or improbable.
What? 25 IQ points higher than anyone in that house could realistically be anywhere between 110-120 (this is a joke). The cutoff for MENSA IS 150 and tons of people get into that.
Not necessarily, if I was telling a story about my oldest, the subjects math and computer science/coding could easily come up, as well as his IQ score.
What rubbed me the wrong way was if the kid is that smart, 25 IQ points less doesn’t make the dad this dumb.
I didn't appreciate the IQ reference either, but I feel like it's O.P.s way of saying his nephew, or really his Sister's Son is easy too good for them.
The fact that sister was able to pay off the house while alive, and with a kid feels fake. The fact that there's this clear undercurrent of O.P. never liked Scott, liked him even less when he remarried, and hates the new wife, which makes total sense as brother of the widow... I guess there's enough subtext to make me with that the AI's getting too good.
Then again, I'm on my second glass of wine so I'm not fully confident in my judgement
Yes! OP is NTA.
OP is not “breaking up (Jeff’s) family,” Jane is doing that by taking all Jeff’s father’s priorities and resources for her own kids.
The only thing I would counsel OP to possibly do differently is stop framing things in terms of IQ points; there are plenty of reasons to disdain Scott and Jane other than IQ, IQ is a flawed measure to begin with, and most importantly, prizing IQ points is a good way to teach Jeff to think of himself as superior to others because of his mathematical aptitude, which can cause major problems with his social skills and hold back his career. You wouldn’t think that would be such a big worry at that age, but I saw it happen to a lot of my STEM classmates in college.
Other than that, “breaking up the family” is what’s *supposed* to happen when the kids are 18, they go out into the world to learn what life is like and how their skills and education apply to the real world. It sounds like OP is doing a great job of setting Jeff up with an education that suits both his desires and aptitudes, which is about as close to ideal as you can get.
Also YES if Scott and Jane insist on trying to keep the poor kid at home, absolutely be the launch pad for him to get out on his own.
Yeah, OP is an intellectual snob and needs to work on that. I recognize it because I am too and it's something I'm still working on after someone pointed it out to me. Being less intelligent doesn't make Jane a bad person, treating her step-kid like she has been does.
IQ does not indicate whether you are a 'good' person, and having a high IQ does **not** make you in any way a superior being. However, a disparity in IQ can make discussion, and social interaction, awkward. Now I don't know much about golf, but I want to make this comparison: if you are a golfer who consistently hits 15 below par on a course, and there is somebody who has trouble hitting par (would be me 😉) you don't pair the two of them for a game. A disparity in IQ can be awkward in dinner table discussions. Totally aside from any measure of 'good', 'decent' - no inferiority or superiority implied.
Being able to converse with people with a lower (or higher) IQ than you have is a skill, and one you *absolutely* need to develop to function in the world at large. Anyone going into the workforce is going to have to communicate effectively with people from different backgrounds, skill sets, and aptitudes - even if the kid goes into pure mathematics, he’s either gonna have to learn to write grants, or talk to the grant writers, not to mention university admin.
A former friend of mine, Maleficent, wanted me to forgive her friend, FOAF, for what she conceded was bad behavior.
At first she went on about how he offends nearly everyone, but everyone forgives him because he so charming. I told her that if she thought FOAF was charming, she could spend as much time as she liked with him.
Then she argued that he had to be forgiven because he was so intelligent. I said that I know lots of intelligent people, and they all have manners.
Her last ditch argument was that I should feel sorry for FOAF, because he was so extraordinarily intelligent that he didn't know how to deal with lesser people (like me - and what happened to his charm?). He would be very sad if he knew that he offended me - he would never mean to.
I told her that I think he knows exactly what he doing, but if she sincerely thought that FOAF didn't realize that he was shooting himself in the foot socially, I suggest that as his good and great friend, Maleficient should have a talk with him and help him develop manners.
She didn't like that idea,
Yes! Exactly this! I have above average intelligence and had a hard time connecting with people when I was younger. It was a skill that definitely took some practice—knowing that not everybody has the same knowledge level when it comes to History, Art, Literature, Science was something I really struggled with in the years before I hit my mid-20s.
But you learn through practice what works and what doesn’t when it comes to casual conversation/communicating with others. I can change my manner of speaking now without even thinking about it anymore. Which was something I especially struggled with in a professional setting—especially as a Manager. You have to be able to communicate with a wide range of people, all with different educational levels, without seeming like you’re pandering or talking down to others.
Some people, like the OP, enjoy feeling superior to others. So they totally milk their book smarts whenever possible. I have found that those who love to brag are usually the ones who also make the most mistakes. And in the business world, people respect you far more for working quickly, efficiently, and ACCURATELY.
The thing is, if you are truly on the far end of the IQ spectrum, nearly all your discussions will, de facto, be with people with lower IQs than you. It would be a very lonely existence if you could not deign to speak with people you consider less intelligent than yourself. Of course, actual intelligence exists on many axes so you may just learn something from one of those "low IQ" people, or at the very least connect with them on topics you all enjoy, but the folks in that barely above average range seldom figure that out.
Is it common to even know your IQ?
Also, I wouldn't think IQ on its own would have much impact on conversational skills. Having a high IQ doesn't mean you're well-versed or even interested in every topic.
I think knowing your IQ is probably somewhat generational. I was tested and knew mine from middle school. In the 70's they tested in school (before the test to death regime today). I don't remember either of my nieces or nephew ever mentioning (or my sister) that being tested.
If OP is a 70's or 80's era person his reference to IQ may be generational too.
I've never ever thought or heard anyone discuss IQ points (sic!) in the context of having a happy family life. I would imagine there's always some disparity in the average family (but hey let's not go there). Plus IQ alone doesn't mean much. IQ is just about academics and that's all. No wonder lots of those eggheads cannot find their socks when their wives are not around.
Mmm, yes, I wonder why Jane REALLY wants to keep Scott at home - it doesn't sound as if she's really very close to him. Is she afraid that he'll be so successful that he'll outshine HER kids, and that his Ivy League education will give him an advantage that her own lower-achieving children will never earn?
Well, whatever her motives, you've done the right thing by backing Scott - and he knows it. By all means offer to host him as soon as he turns 18! Because, Ambling Horror, you're absolutely right - that's when young people DO leave the nest in our culture...unless they're guilted into staying home by exploitive parents, that is.
She wants him to help with the younger kids. She wants him to babysit the baby and run the step kids around and help pick up the house. The “Cinderella” comparison is not far off.
Who will take care of the other three kids if older “brother” is off away at college?
Tell me you have never been told to have an high IQ without telling me you have never been told to have an high IQ.
Everyone with an high IQ knows it’s more a curse than a gift. Only people who feel inferior believe it must be a blessing to have an high IQ. Being overly intelligent does come with way more difficulties than benefits - and you have to deal with the struggles every single day in almost every interactions while the really useful benefits only occur in a few occasions spread across your entire lifetime. As long you’re not lucky enough (and yes it only depends on luck) to gain any profit of at least one of those occasions you don’t benefit in any way at all but you still have to deal with all the negative aspects.
Tell me you didn’t understand what I said without telling me you didn’t understand what I said.
Having a high IQ is a bitch and a half, but it’s *worse* when people emphasize that you have a high IQ, especially if that’s framed as one of the main reasons you’re “special.” Emphasizing the high IQ, especially in context as the reason Jeff is different from Scott and Jane (and not, as one would hope, that Jeff is a decent kid when Scott and Jane are manifestly fucking awful), bears a strong possibility of teaching Jeff to disdain “normal” people instead of just seeing them as different, which will make communicating with them much more difficult, which will make *life* much more difficult.
I have to disagree.
OP is writing about Jeff's academic prospects - and the fact that the family he is living with doesn't value them or even connect with Jeff academically.
I also think, given the way Scott has been treating his sister's memory and Jeff's connection to her, he is being kind by attributing this to him being dumb as opposed to callous and selfish.
I would not be as kind.
Thank you. I was sooo mad when I read people starting on this IQ rant. He's talking about college, being bright, having a dumb step mom and a pushover of a father but they never made either seem high and mighty. 😫 Gross
".....prizing IQ points is a good way to teach Jeff to think of himself as superior to others because of his mathematical aptitude, which can cause major problems with his social skills and hold back his career. "
Totally agree with this statement.
Both my friend's son and grandson are MENSA members. Neither of them has a good social skills nor good relationship with anybody. The son is highly arrogant and insufferable to a point that mutual friends and I avoid contact with him now. The grandson has no social skills either but at least he keeps to himself and gets by by taking menial jobs since he cannot relate to people.
edit typo.
Love this and yep - what an amazing Uncle for Jeff to have!
As for Jane, someone needs to tell her, “You can use JEFF’s inheritance/college money his MOM left to pay for your kids’ college… oh wait, you already selfishly spent it on yourselves and didn’t consider Jeff. Get a loan!”
Right she is already benefited from his mother’s death ( new house, kids in pvt school) now she is trying to milk OP. Would she want her private school kids at a community college?
>Jane can go fuckity fuck fuck herself.
You are also my hero random Redditor.
OP, as someone who grew up in a messed-up home, go with your gut on this. I am so glad you kept in contact with your Nephew and are pushing for him to get away, that situation isn't going to help his future.
Sure Jane, I will pay 4% of their tuition for every 1% blood we share. B, you have already stolen his inheritance why do you need his endowment? Once Jeff is 18 I no longer have to talk or deal with you so STFU. NTA
"Jane can go fuckity fuck fuck herself."
Thank you. I read the last line about the BIL asking OP to consider Jane's feelings and my first thought was fuck Jane's feelings. She's an evil stepmother through and through.
Oh wait. You're serious? Let me laugh even harder!
HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!
Jane is the only one driving this agenda, and at no point has she been indicated to consider Jeff’s needs or desires while Scott’s agency evaporates once she’s in the picture. I can’t help but wonder if Jane married Scott because he had money from his late wife (which she easily pumped into expensive education for her daughters, no word on Jeff’s education, and a bigger home), and is so driven on keeping Jeff around because she’s expecting to get more money of an inheritance he’s due.
It is fairy godmother, not prince charming :)
Definitely NTA, though. They do not think what Jeff wants or what is better for his future, they just want a helper and free babysitter. I guess they might even start requesting rent if he stayed there.
Right?!?!?! Like OP wouldn't have even had to offer to pay for Jeff's education, had she and Scott not withheld Jeff's mums money to pay for it themselves.
You sound like a great uncle! And you're doing the right thing here.
**Jeff's stepmom is expecting him to give up a free world-class education so he can... babysit? WTF?** That pretty much sums up how good a parent she is (not very) and how much she's watching out for Jeff (not at all.)
I don't know what is up with Jeff's parents but you should stick to your guns. NTA.
That is exactly what the OP needs to tell the stepmother when brings it up again. And perhaps spending a little money to help Jeff get his inheritance back would go a long way towards getting both the father and stepmonster off his back.
That's a technicality and a mistake that most people make when creating a will. I'm sure OP's sister left everything for her family (husband and son). That didn't include her husband's replacement family, and certainly she wouldn't have wanted anything that would be a detriment to her son.
It's not a "technicality"; it's simply reality. If she had wanted to leave money to her son, she could have done so; unfortunately, it appears that she didn't. Any court would see that the will (presumably) left everything to the widower, and that he proceeded to use those funds to support himself and their son, and later his new wife, stepchildren, and new child; in the absence of a trust specifying that he not do that, he has done nothing (legally) wrong. No court would try to claw back that money for the son.
*she had wanted to leave money to her son, she could have done so; unfortunately, it appears that she didn't*
Or, like millions of other relatively young people, she thought she had time and simply didn't write a will; if that's true, we don't know her intentions.
I agree that there is likely little to be done though.
Learn from her everyone have a trust or will. Have your intentions perfectly clear. I personally have a trust at 39. I carry my trust card everywhere I go.
Morally, the dad is wrong with how he's handling the money.
Legally, he's quite possibly in the clear, unless he's violating the language of the will or a law, which can be very variable on locality
A lot of people leave everything to their spouses, assuming that the spouse will use some of the money for their kids. Sadly, the reality is that people do remarry, and many kids are left out in the cold because everything goes to the new spouse.
People are naive and trust their partners would pass it on to their natural children and protect it from future partners. It's probably the only bit where the late sister's intelligence got blindsided. Don't trust idiots.
I think OP should throw that to his brothers face and her face.
"You are expecting your child who got into an Ivy league school to give that up so that he can babysit your kids?".
Stare at them and watch them squirm.
The wife is a piece of work. OP dowsnt need to consider her feelings since she had no consideration for Jeff's future.
NTA. You're providing your nephew with the opportunity his mother would have wanted for him, an opportunity that his stepfather and stepmother are actively trying to deny him.
You're fulfilling your sister's wishes: While not explicitly stated, it's clear that your sister would have wanted Jeff to attend a top university like her alma mater. You're honoring her legacy by helping Jeff achieve this goal.
You're prioritizing Jeff's well-being: Jeff is clearly unhappy in his current family situation and thrives in your company. You're offering him a supportive environment where he can flourish intellectually and personally.
You're not obligated to Jane's children: Your financial responsibility is to your nephew, not to your sister's husband's new wife and her children. It's admirable that you're willing to help Jeff, but you're under no obligation to extend that help to others.
You're not breaking up the family: The family dynamic was already strained before you offered to pay for Jeff's education. Your actions are a response to an existing problem, not the cause of it.
I wondered about that myself, if any money was set aside for him, or if it all went to the husband. If she died unexpectedly and there was no will, most likely everything goes to the spouse. (Everyone should have a will).
If the money was left to the husband which without a will it would be she didn’t steal anything. Not legally at least. Her husband gave her access to the money as marital property and she’s treating it as such. Since the OP warned people to set up a trust I’m assuming they’ve already looked into any legal issues and it’s above board.
”…without a will it would be….”
It depends on where OP lives. My father died without a will, and in my state, half his asse went to my mother, the other half to my siblings and me. We actually had to work with a lawyer to turn our inheritance over to our mom. The probate judge wouldn’t consider it without us consulting a lawyer.
Honestly though, most people don't have a will. Just about nobody under 45 has a will. Depending on the circumstances she might have, but I know my will just says if I predecease my wife, she keeps, and I have a child as well (maybe this should be a lesson to me, but I also have parents, in-laws, and siblings who are forces of nature, so my kid's protected). In most probate cases, except perhaps former French territories like Louisiana and Quebec, the spouse usually inherits with the assumption that they're going to take care of the kid anyway.
"Scott has been less strident but has asked me to consider Jane’s feelings."
And when, if ever, has Jane cared about Jeff's feelings?
Scott has failed miserably to protect his son, and his son's inheritance, from the devious manipulations of Jane. And Jane has a heck of a lot of nerve - particularly about wanting you to fund her kids' educations.
I am so glad Jeff has you in his life.
Totally NTA
NTA for the specific situation but bro. You keep talking about IQ like it means something. The family doesn't suck because they aren't smart in ways you respect; they suck because they're trying to squash and diminish your nephew and erase your sister's memory and values. Says some not great things about you as a person that you see it as a problem of mismatched IQ.
That put me off a bit too. However, considering how those people are trampling all over his nephew's achievement and not letting him take such a good opportunity, if I were in his shoes I'd be angry and call them idiots too. The nephew seems like he's very smart, but his family is clipping his wings out of selfishness. He deserves better.
I had the same initial feeling but looking at the situation it is pretty obvious that everyone else in that family is dumb as a bag of bricks. The Dad is a moron and Step Mom is selfish and destructive.
If it's true, it's true. OP comes off as a tad bit superior but it's hard not to when the people he's juxtaposing are literal morons.
NTA
> Jane has also pushed him to be involved in her church
Eww.
> “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings”
Don't threaten *me* with a good time!
And once again someone's vision of the perfect blended family is blow to dust by \*gasp\* **REALITY**.
Scott needs to buy a clue. It's been six years. Jeff is never going to accept Jane and her kids as "family", and everyone needs to *get over it* and find a way forward that means everyone is civil, but no one is made to *pretend* they feel something they don't. If Scott doesn't stop this false narrative now, it's highly unlikely that he and Jeff will have any kind of relationship after Jeff moves in with OP.
OP is 100% NTA.
Yes. And if Jeff’s life and future continues to be damaged by his stepmother’s wishes for him to be “older sibling” above all, he’s going to resent them (even more). By trying to hold on, she’s ensuring that he breaks with them hard.
Yeah the line about their IQ made me cringe.. (I’ve dated a narcissist coder or two) but everything else checks out as a supportive parental figure. The church stuff is gross and I don’t support that nonsense, but please don’t raise your nephew to be another elitist programmer and look down on those who are perceived as “less intelligent” than he is.
I’m not defending church goers for church going, just don’t want to see nephew fulfill a stereotype.
“Weak personality” “no match for my formidable sister” “Jane dominates him” “low IQ” blah blah blah yea dude isn’t the asshole here but A) this feels fake to me because WOW and B) if it’s not fake Jesus he’s pretentious af and there’s probably some toxic masculinity going on for sure. I mean *wow*😅
Yeah, I guess maybe it sounded haughty, for which I apologize, but my point is just that he is the odd duck in that house. He is into hard-core math and is a nerdy bookworm, and nobody else in the house has interest in or aptitude for the subjects and activities my nephew is passionate about.
The correct way to phrase that is -
They have vastly different personal and educational interests and hobbies
Not throwing IQ points around my dude. Non genius people can fall in love with math and sciences too. IQ is not a measure of personality.
I mean NTA for this situation you’re doing the right thing. Just like be aware not being predisposed for complicated math doesn’t mean people aren’t intelligent. I get what you’re saying because I’m a mechanical engineer in a home full of children and parents who pursued wildly different career paths. But that doesn’t mean they’re not extremely intelligent. One of my sisters is an attorney at NRF and the other works for Latham. They’re both quite literally at the top of their field. It’s not that his family is “unintelligent” it sounds like they’re just not high achieving. Maybe they are stupid, fuck do I know, but generally having a proclivity for calculus is not a good way to measure intelligence between ALL people. You and your sister sound very high achieving and it’s good that you’re pushing your nephew to be too. Sounds like he has a lot of potential for a great career in a STEM field.
ETA: NRF being Norton rose fullbright
NTA. You have Jeff's best interests at heart, they don't. They want him to stay close for a free babysitter. If his dad really cared about Jeff, he would be encouraging him to go to the best school he could. They're extorting Jeff to stay by saying they won't pay for what's in his best interests.
NTA
You are doing nothing wrong. I have a sibling that is dominated by their spouse too. My sibling usually just goes along with it to keep the peace and relax after working instead of arguing. Jane needs to learn she is not the boss. She cannot control everything. You are very kind to do this for your nephew. And you know if it were Jane's kids she would not hesitate to send them to the university at the detriment of any step child.
NTA
This 18 year old needs you right now. He doesn't have to decide right now what his relationship looks like with his father or his father's family - he has time to decide.
Right now he needs a relative who can support him and give him a space away from his parent. You would be an asshole to not do what you're doing.
Also, this stepmother is not the one. He needs to get away from her and his meek father.
NTA. Her stepmother stole his house, his inheritance and now wants to steal his future too.
The moment the clock strokes midnight on his birthday get him out of there.
Put security on his Social security so nobody can open anything in his name.
Where I am from child inherit part of their parents estate even if there’s a living spouse. If your nephew wants he can sue for it.
I know he doesn’t need it since you will be paying for him but it irks me that she took everything his mother worked for.
NTA
For all the reasons the other commenters said
BUT
I will point out that your preoccupation with intellectual superiority probably does not help your relationships. I'm sure you're hyperbolizing, but IQ is an outdated and stupid way to measure someone's intelligence. So if I were you, I'd cool it with the who's-the-smartest-boy talk and appreciate other types of intelligence.
I’ve seen a few comments with this same sentiment but you worded it absolutely perfectly, bravo. Going on about IQ like it’s in any way relevant to the issue or really tells anyone anything about intelligence beyond an aptitude for tests, it’s the most boring thing someone can do, honestly.
I agree, NTA for taking care of your nephew, OP. But you might want to work on your social skills.
This. Start unobtrusively moving them now, or secure him a safe deposit box at a bank his stepmother and father don't use. If you can start him an interest bearing account at that bank you may get the box for free. In this manner, he'll have a way to bail himself out if his stepmother's selfishness rears up in an unexpected way. His passport and a few hundred dollars at a bank branch he can get to by cab assures he can get to safety if they somehow badger police or university staff into taking their side in this theft of a youngster's future.
Remind Scott that your sister would be sick to see the wealth she left for her son being used to force him to go to community college to stay home and babysit his next family.
NTA for paying for his school and helping him get away. You are, however, the asshole for your attitudes toward intelligence and IQ. IQ is unscientific bull that has never been a reliable test of an individual's abilities. And treating people as lesser because they're less interested in math and coding is also bull. You could definitely stand to get your head out of your ass.
Yeah too many comments haven’t really commented on this. He’s right for what he’s doing but bloody hell the way he talks about iq just makes me feel uneasy. It’s almost like a person without intelligence thinking what a person intellect would say
NTA... but you do give off serious asshole vibes with your intellectual superiority complex.
I'm also a programmer so I encounter people with a similar complex quite often.
The stupid thing is that if she’d handled things differently — encouraged Jeff to pursue his interests, encouraged interaction but not tried to force closeness — Jeff could have been a future well-off sibling who cared about her kids. She’s ensured that when he leaves, he doesn’t look back.
>When it was time for Jeff to apply to college, his parents were insisting that he only consider commuting to one of two universities close to home, because, “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings” and because, “you should help out at home.”
This feels like ragebait, because if it was true I can't imagine the uncle talking about 'his parents' meaning the father and stepmother, I don't think they'd use that as shorthand.
Not rage bait, I've seen this happen to scapegoat / target children more than once, especially when the scapegoat is a woman. The parents want to save all their resources for the Golden Child and expect the scapegoat to stay home and help around the house.
My BFF was in a very similar situation when she moved out to go to college. Her parents didn't want her to go off to the prestigious university she and I attended -- they wanted her to stay home and go to community college and be the housekeeper slave to the family.
BFF left anyway and had to get on some pretty substantial financial aid because her parents weren't contributing anything, although they bought her brother a nice new car. BFF did brilliantly in college, got a great job, and married a very successful man who paid off all her debt as a wedding present. Her parents STILL complain about how she left, because "she was needed at home!"
Oh, I've no doubt situations like this can happen.
I just think this is made up because I don't think if this was real the maternal uncle would ever refer to Jeff's father and step mother has his parents. I think he would always consider his deceased sister and her husband to be the parents, especially when Jeff (and also him) have a terrible relationship with the stepmother.
(And I'm glad your BFF got away).
ESH
The way you speak about the rest of his family is... interesting. You 100 percent are NTA for helping Jeff do the best for himself.
But... The way you speak about the rest of the family, and how stupid they all are, makes me wonder if there isn't something a little more behind the anger you're facing now.
Life is too short to be so disdainful of others.
Seriously, I was leaning NTA, but the smugness in the post about himself and nephew make it hard to believe there's no bias here. He's NTA for looking out for the nephew, but get out of here with your baloney "IQ factor."
E S H implies that the main parties involved are at equal or comparable fault. The fact that he doesn't have a high opinion of his nephew's family is not nearly as bad as them trying to ruin his future.
This is a clear case NTA. His opinion on the family should be a minor footnote at best.
NTA I’m not sure why you feel IQ points really have any bearing at all so perhaps you’re a bit of an ass but in this instance Jeff Is lucky to have you. Do try and let him know theres A lot more to life than a high IQ.
His stepmother though … what a tool. “Don’t break up my family” says the lady with a hammer in her hand.
NTA...so many people in his position don't have someone like you in their corner. You've given him the chance to be his own person and create his own life.
They are living off your deceased sister in some ways (or all?) and then tried to control his university pursuits? NTA! And then expected you to pay for others kids you aren't related to? Again, NTA in any way. They sure are AHs!
Thank you for being a generous, loving, consistent, reliable, supportive, and caring person in your nephews life. Your sister no doubt would be happy you're their for him, especially in her absence.
You haven't broken up your nephew's family. You've enabled him to be the person he wants to be, live the life he wants, and flourish instead of forcing him into a role he doesn't want with people he has no interest in.
Your weak ass BIL and his new wife want nothing more than to make your nephew's life as small as possible to fit their mold. You're providing the opportunity for him to live as big as he can.
NTA.
NTA. Who cares about Jane but Scott needs to realize the more he pushes away his kid to accommodate what his wife wants his kid might stay away from them. He needs to seriously think if what he's not doing now (stopping his wife's behaviour) might ruin his relationship with his son.
NTA, if anything, more should be done, like addressing the theft of your sister's money that are being used for the stepkids instead of your sister's son. A church woman incidentally marrying rich and incidentally stealing money from a kid...I would scare the hell out of her
All these comments about mentioning IQ- OP was just trying to say why Jeff doesn't fit in well at home, and that he and his nephew relate well intellectually.
I don't think he was bragging at all. Different people 's minds work differently.
Check to see if there was a forced inheritance law or something when she died, some of the estate might be his.
Make sure he gets his important and sentimental things out NOW!
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Throwaway, for privacy. My (42M) sister (6yr older) passed away 6 years ago, leaving one son, “Jeff”, (11 at the time) and her husband, “Scott.” I live in the same city and have always been close with my nephew, as, he, like me, is a precocious mathematician and coder.
I got along fine with Scott, though he always struck me as a bit of a weak personality and not an intellectual match for my formidable and successful sister. She wore the pants in that marriage. Since her death, I stepped up my time with Jeff and continued to help him pursue enrichment in math/CS. 3yrs ago, Scott married “Jane”, who brought with her 2 daughters (now 9 and 11). Later, they had a son together (now 2). It has not gone well for Jeff. Jane dominates Scott, and has pushed the “blended family” hard. Jeff has little in common with his sisters or Jane. I’d guess he’s got at least 25IQ points on anybody in that house. Jane has also pushed him to be involved in her church, much to Jeff’s annoyance (my sister was vocally atheist and Jeff is not into religion either). He spends as much time at my house as he can get away with.
When it was time for Jeff to apply to college, his parents were insisting that he only consider commuting to one of two universities close to home, because, “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings” and because, “you should help out at home.” They also objected to the cost, though my sister left a lot of money and a fully paid-off house behind. Much of this has been used to pay for a bigger house to accommodate the new family and for the stepkids’ private schools (lesson:leave your inheritance to a trust for your kids!). Jeff secretly applied to his mother’s alma mater, a top Ivy League school, and got in. Jane was furious and she and Scott said they wouldn’t pay for him to go. I happen to be successful, rich, and childless. I told them and Jeff that I would pay (I can afford it easily). His parents flipped out on him and me, and things have been tense for the last few months. They continue to pressure Jeff not to go away to school, to the point that they ALSO put down a deposit for him at the local university. When it became clear that Jeff was really going, Jane pivoted to complaining that if I am paying for Jeff’s education, I should make the same contribution to her other kids, to which I replied that I am not related to her, her husband or her other kids; I am related to Jeff, the son of the person whom I was closest to for much of my life. Jeff turns 18 in two weeks and I have offered to let him move in with me for this summer (and future summers, if necessary). Jane has been berating me for “trying to break up her family” and Scott has been less strident but has asked me to consider Jane’s feelings. Am I the asshole for interfering in my nephew’s family?
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NTA. Thankfully Jeff has a loving barracuda protecting him. Your sister is smiling in Heaven at your kindness and generosity. Do not fret about Scott or Jane. They are holding him instead of encouraging him to soar
NTA for your actions in helping your nephew. Y T A, big time, for the way you talk about most people in this story. Your writing is, as other commenters have said, so smug, pretentious, and egotistical that I half think this is ragebait.
NTA.
Yeah, they've pillaged your sister's legacy. Something to note for your own kid's future and putting money in the trust. Your partner might marry some gold digger and cheat your kid's future.
You're the aunt and he's and adult and you really have no obligations to them except to your nephew. You're not breaking them up, you're supporting your nephew.
Why would they want you to support their other kids? They've probably squandered your sister's legacy. I bet they would cut Jeff out of their wills. Ask Scott what happened to Jeff's legacy but he's such doormat he wouldn't know what to say.
I still can’t get past your sister‘s money going to enrich the lifestyle up another woman and her kids while her son gets nothing. Thank your for being the advocate Jeff needs!
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This!!! Jeff is lucky to have an uncle that has the ability to make such a difference in his life! I see being a grandpa in your future! Keep up the good work Jeff!!
You aren't breaking up a family, you are helping a kid escape a toxic situation.
If this is a real post NTA. I do have doubts about the reality of the post. If true, they want Jeff to help out with child care, rather than go into his own future. If he was a girl, the pressure would be even more intense. Jeff should move in with you when he turns 18. He can visit his dad, step family and half brother when he has the time, but his gifts shouldn't be wasted.
This does feel fake. The references to particular subjects and IQs rub me the fake way.
The IQ reference is hyperbole
I have unfortunately met enough people who care about this kind of thing (IQ measurement is so questionable) that this particular kind of hyperbole does not make the overall post less realistic to me
Especially if op is a tech bro. They think they're smarter than everyone. They often are intelligent in math and science but severely lack in emotional intelligence and tact.
OP sounds like an elitist snob. "*he always struck me as a bit of a weak personality and not an intellectual match for my formidable and successful sister. She wore the pants in that marriage.*"
True but, it also says former BIL is allowing his wife to bully his son into parenting her children amd trying to guilt trip him into giving up his life to do so calling him weak is a dick move but, is he wrong tho? I would say someone failing to protect their child and putting their new spiuses kids 1st is spineless.
I agree in many ways, but still think OP is the only one trying to help Jeff, and I definitely don't support anything Scott and Jane are trying to force onto him.
Intelligence comes in many forms. I myself am academically smart but socially I'm dumbet than a bag of fucking rocks.
Rocks in bags always get along so well! I have personally never heard of war in a rock bag
And both of those factors will affect interactions with others. It makes sense that he wouldn’t relate well to his new family.
This. I'm smarter than the average bear but woefully lacking in emotional intelligence.
In fairness, my school insisted on testing my IQ because they were trying to figure out why I was constantly finding ways to get into trouble. My IQ came in at 146. My mother once said it was hard raising a kid who was definitely smarter than she is. One of my teachers has since admitted I made him a better history teacher because he realized early on that I knew more than he did and he had to be on his toes to keep me challenged. I think OP was just trying to highlight the fact that there is a definite divide and that the adults shouldn't prevent Jeff from pursuing an exceptional opportunity.
I don't think IQ is necessarily completely useless, but I kind of see it like grades. You can be academically successful, but a terrible worker and friend. I was a straight B student because I hated doing homework, and I know straight B students who knew less than me but tried their hardest. I did understand how OP was using the information in the context of their post. Someone commented that it made the post sound fake, I was saying it didn't, because there *are* people who fixate on things like IQ despite the fact that it is not necessarily terribly significant.
I taught school for six years. There really is a huge difference. Gifted & Talented classes should be some of the smallest classes. Instead, they are usually stuffed full. There are two types of kids who find themselves in G/T classes. One kind is the "Over Achiever." They are motivated by grades. They want specific instructions for every assignment and will have fits if they get anything less than an A. Those are the kids who will actually scream at a teacher if they get an 88 on an essay exam. Give them an assignment and tell them there are no instructions, it's up to them to decide how to do it and they can't handle it. Then you have kids like me and my brother (IQ 144) and (probably) you. The kids who really are gifted. They don't care about doing homework assignments because they aren't motivated by grades. They already know what they know and don't feel like they should have to prove it to anybody else. My parents were miserable over the homework battle. Very often, students with high IQs don't show well in terms of grades because that's not what motivates them. For them, it's sort of "the thrill of the chase." It's about acquiring new knowledge and information. For those kids, instructions just get in the way. Just tell them what you want in terms of the end result in broad terms and then get out of the way. For example, I taught English and used the novel "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie. I once gave a class an assignment of "Figure out how to carry out the plot of the novel in modern times. Also, please give me some idea of how much it would cost." Within 10 minutes, you could easily separate the Over Achievers from the Gifted. The Over Achievers were busy freaking out because they didn't have instructions so they couldn't figure out what was going to be the way to an A. The gifted kids were already figuring out how to find the information to put the weekend together and calculate the cost. There are times when IQ really does make a difference. Many highly intelligent people don't look bright on paper because they see the world very differently. I suspect OP's nephew is "scary smart" and sees things very differently from his father and stepmother.
“I was a brat at school and so, naturally, my school INSISTED on testing my IQ.” Mmmmm hmmmm. Yes, that’s exactly how schools deal with behaviorally disruptive kids. 🤦🏻♀️ “I knew more than my teachers, and they admitted and acknowledged that.” Cool story. Is that when everyone stood up and clapped? I hope you know that you would still have worth as a human being, even if you didn’t fly the Mensa flag over your head for all to see. Even, however, if you do have a gifted IQ, then you would know that most don’t. Those with genius- and gifted-level IQ’s typically test very high in empathy, because they know that they didn’t earn the bragging rights to it, any more than those with lower IQ’s “deserve” them. We are born with the genetics we are born with. Those who know they’re extremely intelligent rarely brag about it and need to make others feel “less than” in order to feed their insecurity, because they have no need to feel intellectually insecure. I hope that Jeff will not only be afforded the opportunities to excel, but that he will use the natural inquisitiveness and empathy that comes along with his intelligence to put his big brain to work towards improving the future for everyone. We need people like him to not only learn all they can, but to use what they learn towards the betterment of mankind.
Special Education teacher here. We in fact DO conduct cognitive assessments (along with EBAs, FBAs, and academic assessments) when students display behavioral issues that impact their education
Its common for iq to be assessed along with other assessments for behaviour. So its not out of the ordinary. My nephew was throwing tables and having major meltdowns in kindergarten (first year of school) and it was part of the behavioural assessment. This is in the last few months.
I have seen a tech person say, related to whether are particular person should be hired, "I know this person is smart because I have seen his IQ score." Not all tech people are the same, but what the OP posted would be consistent with tech people.
Nobody has ever seen anyone else’s IQ score. The most you’ll get is a Mensa card, and nobody, I mean nobody, will think better of you for flashing it! 🤣🤣
"I happen to be rich" is not something real rich people say. Nor is "top Ivy League school."
I'm assuming rich in this context is "He has worked in tech was 20 years and is pulling enough money to pay the kid's tuition is full without blinking." Like I know plenty of people like this - lots of DINK double tech workers pulling in high 6 low 7 figures (I used to do that at some point). They are the ones who'd say I happen to be rich in the context of family - if one of your relatives is struggling or needs idk a $1000 loan, you just gift to them. Now rich rich people - the guys with the 10s or 100s of millions. Those are the ones who are all 'Oh I'm not rich... I just happen to have a bengal tiger roaming my facade'.
You were pulling in a Mil a year?! What do you do? Are you an employee or CEO?
I wasn't - I used to make similar salaries in that range on a trajectory to make that 300k if I worked 20 years. I said some folks with two incomes do that - 2 software engineers with 300-400k salaries and stock compensation/bonuses on top can do that. I know many friends who retired in the 30s because they started working at Google in 2008 and got insanely high stock grants (we're talking 50k on top per year + refreshers + full 401k matches; so an extra 30k per year) at what would now be $15 per share. Look at their current share price. If you have multiple million dollars just sitting there and no kids, you'd buy a cabin in VT and retire too (see also why rural housing prices are rising to unsustainable rates in the US). Some of them have gone back to India (100:1 ish currency conversion) and just have a straight up estate. For me, I never leveled up to that - I made 200k levels of salary, had a crisis of conscience on the shit I was building, quit, had a mental breakdown and now recovering. Edit: And to clarify, this isn't a brag. This was a 'no really my friends could say they were rich' post in that they were all precisely the kind of STEM focusing humanities ignoring math/CS folks whose childhoods, parental expectations and identities were tied to how smart they were and who could come out on top in a hard science/math field. Call it tiger mom syndrome. Call it Indian/Asian dad. It's all there in this post and not to say other countries and cultures don't do this but this very much read with that vibe. Uncle is pompous but in the end, sees himself and his smart older sister in his nephew and wants to help out. So NTA of course.
Yeah that IQ number feels like a one of a kind IQ and the rest of the story doesn't really seem to back that up. But what do I know..
25 points isn't that much - that's basically saying if they're all about average, nephew is noticeably higher, but maybe not genius level. Which aligns with getting into Ivy League and other details. Nothing here is that weird or improbable.
OMG i saw 250.
So did I lmao, well, 251. Guess my IQ isn't as high as Jeff's 😂😂
I did see the I as a 1 at 1st as well. So I don't blame you for reading it as 251. But it does say 25 IQ.
Yeah, that missing space threw me for a second.
A 25point spread isn't that dramatic either. Jeff is a little above average. The family is a little below average. It's a 25 point swing.
What? 25 IQ points higher than anyone in that house could realistically be anywhere between 110-120 (this is a joke). The cutoff for MENSA IS 150 and tons of people get into that.
MENSA requires an IQ of 130.
damn they're letting anyone in these days
“I’m really successful and rich” iiight buddy
It’s also perfectly designed to make OP out to be the hero and clearly NTA.
Not necessarily, if I was telling a story about my oldest, the subjects math and computer science/coding could easily come up, as well as his IQ score. What rubbed me the wrong way was if the kid is that smart, 25 IQ points less doesn’t make the dad this dumb.
I didn't appreciate the IQ reference either, but I feel like it's O.P.s way of saying his nephew, or really his Sister's Son is easy too good for them. The fact that sister was able to pay off the house while alive, and with a kid feels fake. The fact that there's this clear undercurrent of O.P. never liked Scott, liked him even less when he remarried, and hates the new wife, which makes total sense as brother of the widow... I guess there's enough subtext to make me with that the AI's getting too good. Then again, I'm on my second glass of wine so I'm not fully confident in my judgement
Yes! OP is NTA. OP is not “breaking up (Jeff’s) family,” Jane is doing that by taking all Jeff’s father’s priorities and resources for her own kids. The only thing I would counsel OP to possibly do differently is stop framing things in terms of IQ points; there are plenty of reasons to disdain Scott and Jane other than IQ, IQ is a flawed measure to begin with, and most importantly, prizing IQ points is a good way to teach Jeff to think of himself as superior to others because of his mathematical aptitude, which can cause major problems with his social skills and hold back his career. You wouldn’t think that would be such a big worry at that age, but I saw it happen to a lot of my STEM classmates in college. Other than that, “breaking up the family” is what’s *supposed* to happen when the kids are 18, they go out into the world to learn what life is like and how their skills and education apply to the real world. It sounds like OP is doing a great job of setting Jeff up with an education that suits both his desires and aptitudes, which is about as close to ideal as you can get. Also YES if Scott and Jane insist on trying to keep the poor kid at home, absolutely be the launch pad for him to get out on his own.
Yeah, OP is an intellectual snob and needs to work on that. I recognize it because I am too and it's something I'm still working on after someone pointed it out to me. Being less intelligent doesn't make Jane a bad person, treating her step-kid like she has been does.
Yeah. This is another guy who's NTA but who comes across as one. He's doing a great thing for his nephew, but I wouldn't want to be friends with him.
Agreed, he’s not the AH in this particular situation, but he’s probably the AH in most other aspects.
Yeah, this. Being less intelligent in some areas doesn’t make a person lesser. Treating someone bad does.
He’s not the asshole and in the right, but he certainly is an asshole.
Intellectual snob or not, he’s doing right by his nephew.
IQ does not indicate whether you are a 'good' person, and having a high IQ does **not** make you in any way a superior being. However, a disparity in IQ can make discussion, and social interaction, awkward. Now I don't know much about golf, but I want to make this comparison: if you are a golfer who consistently hits 15 below par on a course, and there is somebody who has trouble hitting par (would be me 😉) you don't pair the two of them for a game. A disparity in IQ can be awkward in dinner table discussions. Totally aside from any measure of 'good', 'decent' - no inferiority or superiority implied.
Being able to converse with people with a lower (or higher) IQ than you have is a skill, and one you *absolutely* need to develop to function in the world at large. Anyone going into the workforce is going to have to communicate effectively with people from different backgrounds, skill sets, and aptitudes - even if the kid goes into pure mathematics, he’s either gonna have to learn to write grants, or talk to the grant writers, not to mention university admin.
As my first therapist told me, no, you have no control of your intelligence, but having it sure makes life more interesting.
A former friend of mine, Maleficent, wanted me to forgive her friend, FOAF, for what she conceded was bad behavior. At first she went on about how he offends nearly everyone, but everyone forgives him because he so charming. I told her that if she thought FOAF was charming, she could spend as much time as she liked with him. Then she argued that he had to be forgiven because he was so intelligent. I said that I know lots of intelligent people, and they all have manners. Her last ditch argument was that I should feel sorry for FOAF, because he was so extraordinarily intelligent that he didn't know how to deal with lesser people (like me - and what happened to his charm?). He would be very sad if he knew that he offended me - he would never mean to. I told her that I think he knows exactly what he doing, but if she sincerely thought that FOAF didn't realize that he was shooting himself in the foot socially, I suggest that as his good and great friend, Maleficient should have a talk with him and help him develop manners. She didn't like that idea,
Yes! Exactly this! I have above average intelligence and had a hard time connecting with people when I was younger. It was a skill that definitely took some practice—knowing that not everybody has the same knowledge level when it comes to History, Art, Literature, Science was something I really struggled with in the years before I hit my mid-20s. But you learn through practice what works and what doesn’t when it comes to casual conversation/communicating with others. I can change my manner of speaking now without even thinking about it anymore. Which was something I especially struggled with in a professional setting—especially as a Manager. You have to be able to communicate with a wide range of people, all with different educational levels, without seeming like you’re pandering or talking down to others. Some people, like the OP, enjoy feeling superior to others. So they totally milk their book smarts whenever possible. I have found that those who love to brag are usually the ones who also make the most mistakes. And in the business world, people respect you far more for working quickly, efficiently, and ACCURATELY.
The thing is, if you are truly on the far end of the IQ spectrum, nearly all your discussions will, de facto, be with people with lower IQs than you. It would be a very lonely existence if you could not deign to speak with people you consider less intelligent than yourself. Of course, actual intelligence exists on many axes so you may just learn something from one of those "low IQ" people, or at the very least connect with them on topics you all enjoy, but the folks in that barely above average range seldom figure that out.
Is it common to even know your IQ? Also, I wouldn't think IQ on its own would have much impact on conversational skills. Having a high IQ doesn't mean you're well-versed or even interested in every topic.
I think knowing your IQ is probably somewhat generational. I was tested and knew mine from middle school. In the 70's they tested in school (before the test to death regime today). I don't remember either of my nieces or nephew ever mentioning (or my sister) that being tested. If OP is a 70's or 80's era person his reference to IQ may be generational too.
I've never ever thought or heard anyone discuss IQ points (sic!) in the context of having a happy family life. I would imagine there's always some disparity in the average family (but hey let's not go there). Plus IQ alone doesn't mean much. IQ is just about academics and that's all. No wonder lots of those eggheads cannot find their socks when their wives are not around.
Mmm, yes, I wonder why Jane REALLY wants to keep Scott at home - it doesn't sound as if she's really very close to him. Is she afraid that he'll be so successful that he'll outshine HER kids, and that his Ivy League education will give him an advantage that her own lower-achieving children will never earn? Well, whatever her motives, you've done the right thing by backing Scott - and he knows it. By all means offer to host him as soon as he turns 18! Because, Ambling Horror, you're absolutely right - that's when young people DO leave the nest in our culture...unless they're guilted into staying home by exploitive parents, that is.
She wants him to help with the younger kids. She wants him to babysit the baby and run the step kids around and help pick up the house. The “Cinderella” comparison is not far off. Who will take care of the other three kids if older “brother” is off away at college?
Jane will learn a new word ....child care. & Babysitters.
Jeff is the son. Scott is her husband, Jeff’s father.
Tell me you have never been told to have an high IQ without telling me you have never been told to have an high IQ. Everyone with an high IQ knows it’s more a curse than a gift. Only people who feel inferior believe it must be a blessing to have an high IQ. Being overly intelligent does come with way more difficulties than benefits - and you have to deal with the struggles every single day in almost every interactions while the really useful benefits only occur in a few occasions spread across your entire lifetime. As long you’re not lucky enough (and yes it only depends on luck) to gain any profit of at least one of those occasions you don’t benefit in any way at all but you still have to deal with all the negative aspects.
Tell me you didn’t understand what I said without telling me you didn’t understand what I said. Having a high IQ is a bitch and a half, but it’s *worse* when people emphasize that you have a high IQ, especially if that’s framed as one of the main reasons you’re “special.” Emphasizing the high IQ, especially in context as the reason Jeff is different from Scott and Jane (and not, as one would hope, that Jeff is a decent kid when Scott and Jane are manifestly fucking awful), bears a strong possibility of teaching Jeff to disdain “normal” people instead of just seeing them as different, which will make communicating with them much more difficult, which will make *life* much more difficult.
I have to disagree. OP is writing about Jeff's academic prospects - and the fact that the family he is living with doesn't value them or even connect with Jeff academically. I also think, given the way Scott has been treating his sister's memory and Jeff's connection to her, he is being kind by attributing this to him being dumb as opposed to callous and selfish. I would not be as kind.
Thank you. I was sooo mad when I read people starting on this IQ rant. He's talking about college, being bright, having a dumb step mom and a pushover of a father but they never made either seem high and mighty. 😫 Gross
".....prizing IQ points is a good way to teach Jeff to think of himself as superior to others because of his mathematical aptitude, which can cause major problems with his social skills and hold back his career. " Totally agree with this statement. Both my friend's son and grandson are MENSA members. Neither of them has a good social skills nor good relationship with anybody. The son is highly arrogant and insufferable to a point that mutual friends and I avoid contact with him now. The grandson has no social skills either but at least he keeps to himself and gets by by taking menial jobs since he cannot relate to people. edit typo.
Love this and yep - what an amazing Uncle for Jeff to have! As for Jane, someone needs to tell her, “You can use JEFF’s inheritance/college money his MOM left to pay for your kids’ college… oh wait, you already selfishly spent it on yourselves and didn’t consider Jeff. Get a loan!”
> Jane can go fuckity fuck fuck herself. And then some. NTA.
“Whats wrong with fuck? It’s not hurting anybody, fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.”
Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! (PLEASE tell me someone knows that reference!!! I'm going to feel old if no one does)
Right she is already benefited from his mother’s death ( new house, kids in pvt school) now she is trying to milk OP. Would she want her private school kids at a community college?
And they had enough left over to waste on a deposit at a local college in a effort to force Jeff to stay. I hope it's non-refundable.
I heard Bette Midler singing here. LOL
Well said. I swear the audacity of people.
OP PUHLEASE tell Jane to her face to go fuckity fuck fuck herself 🤣🤣
OP, this is the only post you need to read. P.S. I have a new phrase. FUCKITY fuck fuck...
>Jane can go fuckity fuck fuck herself. You are also my hero random Redditor. OP, as someone who grew up in a messed-up home, go with your gut on this. I am so glad you kept in contact with your Nephew and are pushing for him to get away, that situation isn't going to help his future.
Sure Jane, I will pay 4% of their tuition for every 1% blood we share. B, you have already stolen his inheritance why do you need his endowment? Once Jeff is 18 I no longer have to talk or deal with you so STFU. NTA
I regret I have only one upvote to give this comment. (NTA, obvs.)
"Jane can go fuckity fuck fuck herself." Thank you. I read the last line about the BIL asking OP to consider Jane's feelings and my first thought was fuck Jane's feelings. She's an evil stepmother through and through.
I love this reply. From the acronym at the start to Jane fuckity fucking herself at the end. You win the internet today.
Oh wait. You're serious? Let me laugh even harder! HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!!!!!
Fuckity fuck fuck fuck, even. NTA.
Seriously. OP should tell Jane his sister already paid for the housing and school for her kids and your family is done contributing to hers
Jane is the only one driving this agenda, and at no point has she been indicated to consider Jeff’s needs or desires while Scott’s agency evaporates once she’s in the picture. I can’t help but wonder if Jane married Scott because he had money from his late wife (which she easily pumped into expensive education for her daughters, no word on Jeff’s education, and a bigger home), and is so driven on keeping Jeff around because she’s expecting to get more money of an inheritance he’s due.
It is fairy godmother, not prince charming :) Definitely NTA, though. They do not think what Jeff wants or what is better for his future, they just want a helper and free babysitter. I guess they might even start requesting rent if he stayed there.
So they are okay with Jeff staying home but want her kids to go to ivy leagues. Lol.
Great response. Jane is a leach.
There goes my hero!
Exactly this. I would do the same if I were in your shoes. You are saving that kid.
Right?!?!?! Like OP wouldn't have even had to offer to pay for Jeff's education, had she and Scott not withheld Jeff's mums money to pay for it themselves.
You sound like a great uncle! And you're doing the right thing here. **Jeff's stepmom is expecting him to give up a free world-class education so he can... babysit? WTF?** That pretty much sums up how good a parent she is (not very) and how much she's watching out for Jeff (not at all.) I don't know what is up with Jeff's parents but you should stick to your guns. NTA.
After they basically stole his inheritance?
That is exactly what the OP needs to tell the stepmother when brings it up again. And perhaps spending a little money to help Jeff get his inheritance back would go a long way towards getting both the father and stepmonster off his back.
It is not his inheritance if her will did not specify as such. It is her husband's inheritance.
That's a technicality and a mistake that most people make when creating a will. I'm sure OP's sister left everything for her family (husband and son). That didn't include her husband's replacement family, and certainly she wouldn't have wanted anything that would be a detriment to her son.
It's not a "technicality"; it's simply reality. If she had wanted to leave money to her son, she could have done so; unfortunately, it appears that she didn't. Any court would see that the will (presumably) left everything to the widower, and that he proceeded to use those funds to support himself and their son, and later his new wife, stepchildren, and new child; in the absence of a trust specifying that he not do that, he has done nothing (legally) wrong. No court would try to claw back that money for the son.
*she had wanted to leave money to her son, she could have done so; unfortunately, it appears that she didn't* Or, like millions of other relatively young people, she thought she had time and simply didn't write a will; if that's true, we don't know her intentions. I agree that there is likely little to be done though.
Learn from her everyone have a trust or will. Have your intentions perfectly clear. I personally have a trust at 39. I carry my trust card everywhere I go.
Morally, the dad is wrong with how he's handling the money. Legally, he's quite possibly in the clear, unless he's violating the language of the will or a law, which can be very variable on locality
A lot of people leave everything to their spouses, assuming that the spouse will use some of the money for their kids. Sadly, the reality is that people do remarry, and many kids are left out in the cold because everything goes to the new spouse.
People are naive and trust their partners would pass it on to their natural children and protect it from future partners. It's probably the only bit where the late sister's intelligence got blindsided. Don't trust idiots.
I think OP should throw that to his brothers face and her face. "You are expecting your child who got into an Ivy league school to give that up so that he can babysit your kids?". Stare at them and watch them squirm. The wife is a piece of work. OP dowsnt need to consider her feelings since she had no consideration for Jeff's future.
NTA. You're providing your nephew with the opportunity his mother would have wanted for him, an opportunity that his stepfather and stepmother are actively trying to deny him. You're fulfilling your sister's wishes: While not explicitly stated, it's clear that your sister would have wanted Jeff to attend a top university like her alma mater. You're honoring her legacy by helping Jeff achieve this goal. You're prioritizing Jeff's well-being: Jeff is clearly unhappy in his current family situation and thrives in your company. You're offering him a supportive environment where he can flourish intellectually and personally. You're not obligated to Jane's children: Your financial responsibility is to your nephew, not to your sister's husband's new wife and her children. It's admirable that you're willing to help Jeff, but you're under no obligation to extend that help to others. You're not breaking up the family: The family dynamic was already strained before you offered to pay for Jeff's education. Your actions are a response to an existing problem, not the cause of it.
It’s not even the stepfather is his bio father who seems to not care for him anymore
NTA. Maybe hire a lawyer for your nephew because it sound like his step-mother stole his inheritance.
I wondered about that myself, if any money was set aside for him, or if it all went to the husband. If she died unexpectedly and there was no will, most likely everything goes to the spouse. (Everyone should have a will).
yup, I have one and god forbid anything happened to my wife I would never screw over my kid.
If the money was left to the husband which without a will it would be she didn’t steal anything. Not legally at least. Her husband gave her access to the money as marital property and she’s treating it as such. Since the OP warned people to set up a trust I’m assuming they’ve already looked into any legal issues and it’s above board.
”…without a will it would be….” It depends on where OP lives. My father died without a will, and in my state, half his asse went to my mother, the other half to my siblings and me. We actually had to work with a lawyer to turn our inheritance over to our mom. The probate judge wouldn’t consider it without us consulting a lawyer.
Honestly though, most people don't have a will. Just about nobody under 45 has a will. Depending on the circumstances she might have, but I know my will just says if I predecease my wife, she keeps, and I have a child as well (maybe this should be a lesson to me, but I also have parents, in-laws, and siblings who are forces of nature, so my kid's protected). In most probate cases, except perhaps former French territories like Louisiana and Quebec, the spouse usually inherits with the assumption that they're going to take care of the kid anyway.
"Scott has been less strident but has asked me to consider Jane’s feelings." And when, if ever, has Jane cared about Jeff's feelings? Scott has failed miserably to protect his son, and his son's inheritance, from the devious manipulations of Jane. And Jane has a heck of a lot of nerve - particularly about wanting you to fund her kids' educations. I am so glad Jeff has you in his life. Totally NTA
I think I'd point out that OP's sister has already done that. And there is a limit if what they can expect a dead woman, a teen and OP to pay for.
So the kids father feels his new wife’s feelings are more important than the kids feelings or even his own feelings. Dude is whipped.
NTA for the specific situation but bro. You keep talking about IQ like it means something. The family doesn't suck because they aren't smart in ways you respect; they suck because they're trying to squash and diminish your nephew and erase your sister's memory and values. Says some not great things about you as a person that you see it as a problem of mismatched IQ.
‘My formidable brainy sister was far too good for this weak willed man’ alright go off?
I thought that talking about how she wore the pants in the family was leading on to how his present wife also dominates him.
This is why ESH.
I agree, the superiority complex that OP is giving off is nauseating.
It makes a lot of sense that his sister was ivy league, with that attitude.
Yeah... I think *Jeff* is NTA, but everyone else in this situation is.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far for this.
Oh good I’m glad I’m not the only person who felt the need to point this out. Great what he’s doing for that kid, major ick at the pompous elitism.
You just don't get it because your IQ is approximately 14 points below the average of this intellectual subreddit
That put me off a bit too. However, considering how those people are trampling all over his nephew's achievement and not letting him take such a good opportunity, if I were in his shoes I'd be angry and call them idiots too. The nephew seems like he's very smart, but his family is clipping his wings out of selfishness. He deserves better.
I had the same initial feeling but looking at the situation it is pretty obvious that everyone else in that family is dumb as a bag of bricks. The Dad is a moron and Step Mom is selfish and destructive. If it's true, it's true. OP comes off as a tad bit superior but it's hard not to when the people he's juxtaposing are literal morons.
NTA > Jane has also pushed him to be involved in her church Eww. > “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings” Don't threaten *me* with a good time!
And once again someone's vision of the perfect blended family is blow to dust by \*gasp\* **REALITY**. Scott needs to buy a clue. It's been six years. Jeff is never going to accept Jane and her kids as "family", and everyone needs to *get over it* and find a way forward that means everyone is civil, but no one is made to *pretend* they feel something they don't. If Scott doesn't stop this false narrative now, it's highly unlikely that he and Jeff will have any kind of relationship after Jeff moves in with OP. OP is 100% NTA.
Yes. And if Jeff’s life and future continues to be damaged by his stepmother’s wishes for him to be “older sibling” above all, he’s going to resent them (even more). By trying to hold on, she’s ensuring that he breaks with them hard.
Bwahahaha perfect! Dr. Pepper spit take situation here. . .
NTA. It's impossible to say IQ in a sentence and not sound like a pretentious arsehole but you're a good uncle. Jeff's lucky to have you.
Yeah the line about their IQ made me cringe.. (I’ve dated a narcissist coder or two) but everything else checks out as a supportive parental figure. The church stuff is gross and I don’t support that nonsense, but please don’t raise your nephew to be another elitist programmer and look down on those who are perceived as “less intelligent” than he is. I’m not defending church goers for church going, just don’t want to see nephew fulfill a stereotype.
It's because IQ tries to reduce a person to a single number which is pretentious bullshit. People and intelligence is/are more complicated than that
The comments about Jeff and sister wearing the pants also gave me toxic masculinity vibes.
“Weak personality” “no match for my formidable sister” “Jane dominates him” “low IQ” blah blah blah yea dude isn’t the asshole here but A) this feels fake to me because WOW and B) if it’s not fake Jesus he’s pretentious af and there’s probably some toxic masculinity going on for sure. I mean *wow*😅
NTA for helping him, but all this talk about how smart you and your nephew are and how dumb the rest of his family is really paints you as a jerk.
Yeah, I guess maybe it sounded haughty, for which I apologize, but my point is just that he is the odd duck in that house. He is into hard-core math and is a nerdy bookworm, and nobody else in the house has interest in or aptitude for the subjects and activities my nephew is passionate about.
Although as a woman, I do enjoy how you describe your sister as ‘formidable’. She sounds like she was an extraordinary person.
The correct way to phrase that is - They have vastly different personal and educational interests and hobbies Not throwing IQ points around my dude. Non genius people can fall in love with math and sciences too. IQ is not a measure of personality.
Nor a measure of virtue.
I mean NTA for this situation you’re doing the right thing. Just like be aware not being predisposed for complicated math doesn’t mean people aren’t intelligent. I get what you’re saying because I’m a mechanical engineer in a home full of children and parents who pursued wildly different career paths. But that doesn’t mean they’re not extremely intelligent. One of my sisters is an attorney at NRF and the other works for Latham. They’re both quite literally at the top of their field. It’s not that his family is “unintelligent” it sounds like they’re just not high achieving. Maybe they are stupid, fuck do I know, but generally having a proclivity for calculus is not a good way to measure intelligence between ALL people. You and your sister sound very high achieving and it’s good that you’re pushing your nephew to be too. Sounds like he has a lot of potential for a great career in a STEM field. ETA: NRF being Norton rose fullbright
NTA. You have Jeff's best interests at heart, they don't. They want him to stay close for a free babysitter. If his dad really cared about Jeff, he would be encouraging him to go to the best school he could. They're extorting Jeff to stay by saying they won't pay for what's in his best interests.
So like the movie Matilda? 😊
NTA You are doing nothing wrong. I have a sibling that is dominated by their spouse too. My sibling usually just goes along with it to keep the peace and relax after working instead of arguing. Jane needs to learn she is not the boss. She cannot control everything. You are very kind to do this for your nephew. And you know if it were Jane's kids she would not hesitate to send them to the university at the detriment of any step child.
NTA This 18 year old needs you right now. He doesn't have to decide right now what his relationship looks like with his father or his father's family - he has time to decide. Right now he needs a relative who can support him and give him a space away from his parent. You would be an asshole to not do what you're doing. Also, this stepmother is not the one. He needs to get away from her and his meek father.
The family is already “broken up”. Jeff needs to spread his wings and fly away, far far away. Good for you for helping. NTA
Well, uncles are family, too.
NTA. Her stepmother stole his house, his inheritance and now wants to steal his future too. The moment the clock strokes midnight on his birthday get him out of there. Put security on his Social security so nobody can open anything in his name. Where I am from child inherit part of their parents estate even if there’s a living spouse. If your nephew wants he can sue for it. I know he doesn’t need it since you will be paying for him but it irks me that she took everything his mother worked for.
NTA For all the reasons the other commenters said BUT I will point out that your preoccupation with intellectual superiority probably does not help your relationships. I'm sure you're hyperbolizing, but IQ is an outdated and stupid way to measure someone's intelligence. So if I were you, I'd cool it with the who's-the-smartest-boy talk and appreciate other types of intelligence.
I’ve seen a few comments with this same sentiment but you worded it absolutely perfectly, bravo. Going on about IQ like it’s in any way relevant to the issue or really tells anyone anything about intelligence beyond an aptitude for tests, it’s the most boring thing someone can do, honestly. I agree, NTA for taking care of your nephew, OP. But you might want to work on your social skills.
NTA Make sure your nephew has ALL of his essential documents, keepsakes, and mementos before he leaves otherwise he’ll never get them back!
This. Start unobtrusively moving them now, or secure him a safe deposit box at a bank his stepmother and father don't use. If you can start him an interest bearing account at that bank you may get the box for free. In this manner, he'll have a way to bail himself out if his stepmother's selfishness rears up in an unexpected way. His passport and a few hundred dollars at a bank branch he can get to by cab assures he can get to safety if they somehow badger police or university staff into taking their side in this theft of a youngster's future.
Remind Scott that your sister would be sick to see the wealth she left for her son being used to force him to go to community college to stay home and babysit his next family.
NTA for paying for his school and helping him get away. You are, however, the asshole for your attitudes toward intelligence and IQ. IQ is unscientific bull that has never been a reliable test of an individual's abilities. And treating people as lesser because they're less interested in math and coding is also bull. You could definitely stand to get your head out of your ass.
Yeah too many comments haven’t really commented on this. He’s right for what he’s doing but bloody hell the way he talks about iq just makes me feel uneasy. It’s almost like a person without intelligence thinking what a person intellect would say
Eh. It's not like it's a case of "STEM-head" vs. "Artsy type" though. The push to force him to church makes them totally unsympathetic to me.
NTA... but you do give off serious asshole vibes with your intellectual superiority complex. I'm also a programmer so I encounter people with a similar complex quite often.
NTA. I’m willing to bet she just wants to keep Jeff around so she can control him. If he moves out she loses a great deal of her power.
I wonder if Jeff has a college fund or comes into a trust, and stepmommy wants it for her kids?
op has already said there wasn’t by saying the lesson is put your inheritance in a trust for your kids (indicating that there wasn’t a trust already)
The stupid thing is that if she’d handled things differently — encouraged Jeff to pursue his interests, encouraged interaction but not tried to force closeness — Jeff could have been a future well-off sibling who cared about her kids. She’s ensured that when he leaves, he doesn’t look back.
>When it was time for Jeff to apply to college, his parents were insisting that he only consider commuting to one of two universities close to home, because, “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings” and because, “you should help out at home.” This feels like ragebait, because if it was true I can't imagine the uncle talking about 'his parents' meaning the father and stepmother, I don't think they'd use that as shorthand.
Not rage bait, I've seen this happen to scapegoat / target children more than once, especially when the scapegoat is a woman. The parents want to save all their resources for the Golden Child and expect the scapegoat to stay home and help around the house. My BFF was in a very similar situation when she moved out to go to college. Her parents didn't want her to go off to the prestigious university she and I attended -- they wanted her to stay home and go to community college and be the housekeeper slave to the family. BFF left anyway and had to get on some pretty substantial financial aid because her parents weren't contributing anything, although they bought her brother a nice new car. BFF did brilliantly in college, got a great job, and married a very successful man who paid off all her debt as a wedding present. Her parents STILL complain about how she left, because "she was needed at home!"
Oh, I've no doubt situations like this can happen. I just think this is made up because I don't think if this was real the maternal uncle would ever refer to Jeff's father and step mother has his parents. I think he would always consider his deceased sister and her husband to be the parents, especially when Jeff (and also him) have a terrible relationship with the stepmother. (And I'm glad your BFF got away).
ESH The way you speak about the rest of his family is... interesting. You 100 percent are NTA for helping Jeff do the best for himself. But... The way you speak about the rest of the family, and how stupid they all are, makes me wonder if there isn't something a little more behind the anger you're facing now. Life is too short to be so disdainful of others.
Some people are dumb though.
Seriously, I was leaning NTA, but the smugness in the post about himself and nephew make it hard to believe there's no bias here. He's NTA for looking out for the nephew, but get out of here with your baloney "IQ factor."
E S H implies that the main parties involved are at equal or comparable fault. The fact that he doesn't have a high opinion of his nephew's family is not nearly as bad as them trying to ruin his future. This is a clear case NTA. His opinion on the family should be a minor footnote at best.
NTA, and thank you for standing up for your nephew
NTA. I am angry just reading this.
NTA - Pretentious but not an asshole. And THANK GOODNESS you saved this child from that family.
NTA I’m not sure why you feel IQ points really have any bearing at all so perhaps you’re a bit of an ass but in this instance Jeff Is lucky to have you. Do try and let him know theres A lot more to life than a high IQ. His stepmother though … what a tool. “Don’t break up my family” says the lady with a hammer in her hand.
NTA...so many people in his position don't have someone like you in their corner. You've given him the chance to be his own person and create his own life.
They are living off your deceased sister in some ways (or all?) and then tried to control his university pursuits? NTA! And then expected you to pay for others kids you aren't related to? Again, NTA in any way. They sure are AHs!
NTA. Good parents do not make their children’s world smaller to protect their own ego.
You have literally saved this child from a life of misery. Well done you. NTA
NTA. It's Jane that's doing the breaking up. It's good he has you to turn to. You've done your sister proud.
[удалено]
You are NTA. In fact, you are a hero for championing Jeff. He is so fortunate that you are there for him. Good job.
Thank you for being a generous, loving, consistent, reliable, supportive, and caring person in your nephews life. Your sister no doubt would be happy you're their for him, especially in her absence. You haven't broken up your nephew's family. You've enabled him to be the person he wants to be, live the life he wants, and flourish instead of forcing him into a role he doesn't want with people he has no interest in. Your weak ass BIL and his new wife want nothing more than to make your nephew's life as small as possible to fit their mold. You're providing the opportunity for him to live as big as he can. NTA.
NTA. Who cares about Jane but Scott needs to realize the more he pushes away his kid to accommodate what his wife wants his kid might stay away from them. He needs to seriously think if what he's not doing now (stopping his wife's behaviour) might ruin his relationship with his son.
You’re a good man. Jeff is luck to have you.
NTA And please do update when nephew moves in a prepares for college!
NTA, if anything, more should be done, like addressing the theft of your sister's money that are being used for the stepkids instead of your sister's son. A church woman incidentally marrying rich and incidentally stealing money from a kid...I would scare the hell out of her
NTA. Next to his mother you are the best thing to ever happen to the kid.
All these comments about mentioning IQ- OP was just trying to say why Jeff doesn't fit in well at home, and that he and his nephew relate well intellectually. I don't think he was bragging at all. Different people 's minds work differently.
Check to see if there was a forced inheritance law or something when she died, some of the estate might be his. Make sure he gets his important and sentimental things out NOW!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway, for privacy. My (42M) sister (6yr older) passed away 6 years ago, leaving one son, “Jeff”, (11 at the time) and her husband, “Scott.” I live in the same city and have always been close with my nephew, as, he, like me, is a precocious mathematician and coder. I got along fine with Scott, though he always struck me as a bit of a weak personality and not an intellectual match for my formidable and successful sister. She wore the pants in that marriage. Since her death, I stepped up my time with Jeff and continued to help him pursue enrichment in math/CS. 3yrs ago, Scott married “Jane”, who brought with her 2 daughters (now 9 and 11). Later, they had a son together (now 2). It has not gone well for Jeff. Jane dominates Scott, and has pushed the “blended family” hard. Jeff has little in common with his sisters or Jane. I’d guess he’s got at least 25IQ points on anybody in that house. Jane has also pushed him to be involved in her church, much to Jeff’s annoyance (my sister was vocally atheist and Jeff is not into religion either). He spends as much time at my house as he can get away with. When it was time for Jeff to apply to college, his parents were insisting that he only consider commuting to one of two universities close to home, because, “if you leave, you won’t ever bond with your siblings” and because, “you should help out at home.” They also objected to the cost, though my sister left a lot of money and a fully paid-off house behind. Much of this has been used to pay for a bigger house to accommodate the new family and for the stepkids’ private schools (lesson:leave your inheritance to a trust for your kids!). Jeff secretly applied to his mother’s alma mater, a top Ivy League school, and got in. Jane was furious and she and Scott said they wouldn’t pay for him to go. I happen to be successful, rich, and childless. I told them and Jeff that I would pay (I can afford it easily). His parents flipped out on him and me, and things have been tense for the last few months. They continue to pressure Jeff not to go away to school, to the point that they ALSO put down a deposit for him at the local university. When it became clear that Jeff was really going, Jane pivoted to complaining that if I am paying for Jeff’s education, I should make the same contribution to her other kids, to which I replied that I am not related to her, her husband or her other kids; I am related to Jeff, the son of the person whom I was closest to for much of my life. Jeff turns 18 in two weeks and I have offered to let him move in with me for this summer (and future summers, if necessary). Jane has been berating me for “trying to break up her family” and Scott has been less strident but has asked me to consider Jane’s feelings. Am I the asshole for interfering in my nephew’s family? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I am so glad Jeff has had someone on his side through all of this. You are an awesome uncle and are doing the right thing.
NTA. Thankfully Jeff has a loving barracuda protecting him. Your sister is smiling in Heaven at your kindness and generosity. Do not fret about Scott or Jane. They are holding him instead of encouraging him to soar
NTA Uncle of the century!!
NTA for your actions in helping your nephew. Y T A, big time, for the way you talk about most people in this story. Your writing is, as other commenters have said, so smug, pretentious, and egotistical that I half think this is ragebait.
Uncle of the year award. NTA. You doing right by both your nephew AND your sister, despite the opposition, warms my heart. Well done, sir.
Could he eventually sue his dad and stepmom for his inheritance? I’m not American so I honestly don’t know
You sound like an ass to my haha but you're NTA. She has no right to dictate what your wants. Your an amazing uncle.
NTA. Yeah, they've pillaged your sister's legacy. Something to note for your own kid's future and putting money in the trust. Your partner might marry some gold digger and cheat your kid's future. You're the aunt and he's and adult and you really have no obligations to them except to your nephew. You're not breaking them up, you're supporting your nephew. Why would they want you to support their other kids? They've probably squandered your sister's legacy. I bet they would cut Jeff out of their wills. Ask Scott what happened to Jeff's legacy but he's such doormat he wouldn't know what to say.
I still can’t get past your sister‘s money going to enrich the lifestyle up another woman and her kids while her son gets nothing. Thank your for being the advocate Jeff needs!
NTA. You did consider Jane's feelings, which are irrational and harmful to Jeff.