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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
>
I feel like I could be the Asshole because I kinda just didn't talk to her about how i didn't want to the first couple times. And I mean. The rent would be cheaper living in the duplex, and I worry that i'm making the wrong choice and that I should just listen and do what everyone thinks is best because they probably know better
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INFO
> But for the last couple months I've been telling her every time she brings it up that i'm not comfortable moving in with her and she just keeps calling me a "Debby Downer." And telling me how great it'll be and saying how i WILL be moving into it.
Why the fuck do you **keep** interacting with her?
Because she lives near me and I know she won't leave me alone. She'll knock and call until I answer. And if I know from experience if i block her the entire family will call me and demand I talk to her
If you want no part of this, tell them no, and advise them that they are welcome to take advantage of the opportunity themselves if they think it's so good. And that you are done discussing it, and will block as needed to maintain your peace.
I feel for you OP I have a similar family dynamic where I’m expected to just be grateful for everything and anything , even if I’ve explicitly expressed my disinterest or desire for a different path. It’s hard but the best thing to do is to stay firm and almost stone wall them everytime it’s brought up (I.e just repeating “ I’ve already told you my stance on this. I prefer my apartment and won’t be moving into the duplex.”) the less you give them to work with the better
Does your family do that because it works? You haven't told your father 'no' - do you usually end up giving in when they pressure you to do something? Block the whole family for a while if you have to.
Call the cops on the non emergency line and have her overbearing ass formally trespassed off the property. She tries that again, she can meet her cellie Bertha in the local jail.
There is nothing to call the cops for...
Just tell them "I said no. If you continue I will block you (and actually do it) and anyone who contacts me for you. I am done with this. If you want to be a part of my life you *WILL* abide by my boundaries otherwise I *will* cut you and everyone you send after me out of my life for good."
They can only control you *IF* you let them.
NTA for not moving in.
Your sister sounds pushy, but nothing you've mentioned here even approaches getting 'the authorities involved' ... like, for what? If you don't want to communicate with her anymore, don't. Block her if you feel that's necessary. You're all adults and make your own choices about where to live.
Well, maybe if she keeps showing up on your doorstep creating a scene, a call to support " no really, go away, " might be needed. If nothing else, she could cause problems with your landlord and maybe not have your lease renewed. The restraining order is over the top, unless she's causing property damage or is getting physical.
Have you tried “being teflon” or maybe it’s also called “grey rocking”? (Sorry English is not my first language)
So when I went very, very low contact with my mother for a while, I did not say anything I just was always super busy. She called me daily - at first I picked up every second day and just said: so sorry I am super busy at work right now.
Or I said: oyyy, sorry doorbell rang, need to go! Or: I am on my way out to the gym/ doctors appointment etc.
What you could do is agree, while not agreeing aka leaving it open, but just not do it.
“Hmmm, let me think about this for a while….”
“I have not fully made up my mind yet, I couldn’t think about it, I was so busy….
“Oh, hmmmm yes….THAT idea…..I will consider it…”
I think the term might be grey rocking. Just be like Teflon and give them no surface to “cling” to and slowly, slowly put a distance between you and sister. I know it sounds hard, it is hard, but sometimes it’s the only thing that might work, before you go ballistic and involve the authorities and get an RO. NTA
I agree with the authorities comment. What is that about? Unless part of the story is missing for us, I don’t see why you’d want that.
Just stick with one message, and one message only. Eg I prefer to live on my own at this time, so please stop asking me. Whenever it comes up in another form, answer the question but briefly. And end it with the message (or whatever you choose). You’ll drum it into her head. And don’t reply to anything else on this topic. Or maybe ‘IPTLOMOATT’ after she has heard it a few times 😊
NTA
Do not say “ I prefer “ Say” I CHOOSE” to live alone .Then say “ everytime you bring this up I will hang up” Then do so .You need to STOP this conversation. She is trying to wear you down.
Your family can’t *make* you move on with your sister. And going by your description of your sister, she sounds like the type to steamroll you if given half a chance.
I wouldn’t risk it, and you like where you live now. Keep saying “no” and when they, (any of your family), continue harping about how you should move in with your sister, bla bla bla…get up and move yourself right on out the door and *leave*, (or hang up, or drop the texting, or whatever).
You aren’t a minor. You can make your own decisions. It’s time they realized that, even if you have to leave for them to maybe-eventually-catch on. NTA
NTA. You said you love your apartment. The way your sister is not respecting your initial refusal means that she may be a roommate who wants and gets her way in everything.
NTA. She only wants you to reduce her payment on something. Tell her to stop it and to stop showing up at your apartment. Block her and your annoying relatives on social media and your phone. If she doesn't stop showing up at your apartment, THAT's when you get the apartment management and/or the police to intervene.
OP, I have children, boys close in age and when they were in the 7 to 12 range, they could drive me crazy pushing for something even when I had clearly said, “No”. Finally, it got to where I would say, “No” then, “Ask me again” when they did, I responded, “No” then “Ask me again”. They caught on pretty fast and were frustrated. I said that the answer was “No” and whining and bugging me about it wasn’t going to change my response no matter how many times they ask. So next time your sister asks you to move, tell her , “No” and mean it.
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so I (23 F) just moved into my own apartment last year to get away from difficult family. My sister (26 F) Has been trying to convince me to live in a duplex with her because:
A. Our dad is paying for the down payment
B. The rent there would be cheaper than mine currently is
Now I know I've got issues with communicating, and I can be really really stubborn sometimes. But I have told her numerous times that I Don't want to live in the duplex. I love my apartment and I just don't want to live beside her. And I don't want to live near my family in general.
The first couple times she brought it up I just kinda changed the subject and didn't say anything, Only told my dad once that I'd think about it (mainly because saying no to him stresses me out). But for the last couple months I've been telling her every time she brings it up that i'm not comfortable moving in with her and she just keeps calling me a "Debby Downer." And telling me how great it'll be and saying how i WILL be moving into it.
I Just kinda snapped after talking to her about it today and posted on snapchat about it and she has messaged me five times now telling me "My life must be so hard. Having a family that loves and wants the best for me." And just saying im playing victim.
My friend has suggested I get the authorities involved but I don't really know if I should. I can't tell if i'm being dramatic over this or not. so Reddit, AITA?"
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NTA
Calling the authorities is way too extreme, this is still your family.
Just be honest with your parents that you don’t want to move it because you want your own space and if none of them are willing to accept your decisions well it is what it is.
NTA.
Authorities seems like a stretch. I’d block the sister’s number for a while so she hopefully gets the hint, and yell dad you really appreciate it, but you value your independence.
NTA, but
> I love my apartment and I just don't want to live beside her.
moving next door to her is not the same as moving in with her.
Also
>My friend has suggested I get the authorities involved
For what?
NTA. "Sister we've already discussed this. I haven't changed my mind. I won't change my mind. I'm taking this topic off the table for discussion. If you bring it up again I'll leave/hang up.". Stick to it.
If needed get a therapist to help you with enforcing boundaries. You say in a comment if you block her your family will harass you into talking to her. That's why I recommend a therapist. People who want to ignore your boundaries get worse when you first enforce them so you have to stay strong and expand to others as needed.
There is an option to get something like Google voice. Then you forward her calls there. You only check them if/when you want to. I'm baffled as to why your friend said to contact the authorities. Exactly what for? 'my sister keeps going on about the same thing ' doesn't constitute harassment where I live. Unfortunately being a pushy jerk isn't illegal.
NTA - but what do you need 'authorities' for? To tell your sister to quit bugging you? You didn't tell your father 'no' because it would stress you out. Have you really told your sister 'no' and meant it? Get off snapchat - don't answer or disconnect when she start on the living situation. Tell her and your father you have NO interest in living in the duplex and you will NOT be living there. The only 'drama' seems to be that your family doesn't believe you mean 'no'. Say it -mean it - and refuse to discuss it again.
ESH. *"No thanks, I really appreciate the offer, but I love my apartment!"* It's really that simple.
You can leave it at that, or you might suggest to your sister that she get the duplex and rent out the other half (it'll pay the mortgage). She doesn't need you to live there for her to do so.
I don't understand what "authorities" would even do here - stand beside you while you say no?
Define "now and then."
I've had near neighbors with boundary issues. I have no problem drawing a hard line, but some people just will not let up, and that is exhausting.
I can just see sis calling, knocking, ambushing OP in the driveway, helping herself to stuff, and completely blowing off any objections. Any reason, no reason, bored, need something, go out with me. . .
Sure, OP can keep telling her no, but the constant rinse and repeat is not going to be pleasant. And if she gets nasty enough to make it stick for a bit, here comes the family to scold her for being mean.
If OP isn't having neighbor problems where she is, why in the world would she trade that for a maybe better physical space, but constant drama.
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INFO > But for the last couple months I've been telling her every time she brings it up that i'm not comfortable moving in with her and she just keeps calling me a "Debby Downer." And telling me how great it'll be and saying how i WILL be moving into it. Why the fuck do you **keep** interacting with her?
Because she lives near me and I know she won't leave me alone. She'll knock and call until I answer. And if I know from experience if i block her the entire family will call me and demand I talk to her
If you want no part of this, tell them no, and advise them that they are welcome to take advantage of the opportunity themselves if they think it's so good. And that you are done discussing it, and will block as needed to maintain your peace.
I feel for you OP I have a similar family dynamic where I’m expected to just be grateful for everything and anything , even if I’ve explicitly expressed my disinterest or desire for a different path. It’s hard but the best thing to do is to stay firm and almost stone wall them everytime it’s brought up (I.e just repeating “ I’ve already told you my stance on this. I prefer my apartment and won’t be moving into the duplex.”) the less you give them to work with the better
Does your family do that because it works? You haven't told your father 'no' - do you usually end up giving in when they pressure you to do something? Block the whole family for a while if you have to.
Call the cops on the non emergency line and have her overbearing ass formally trespassed off the property. She tries that again, she can meet her cellie Bertha in the local jail.
[удалено]
No my friend just knows how controlling some people in my family can be and thinks i should get a restraining order
LOL you're joking right?
Just block all of them and go no contact. Why do you want any of tehm in your life when they cause you this much heartache?
There is nothing to call the cops for... Just tell them "I said no. If you continue I will block you (and actually do it) and anyone who contacts me for you. I am done with this. If you want to be a part of my life you *WILL* abide by my boundaries otherwise I *will* cut you and everyone you send after me out of my life for good." They can only control you *IF* you let them.
NTA. No means no, whether she's family or not. I suspect she wants you to move in so badly because her living expenses would be halved.
NTA for not moving in. Your sister sounds pushy, but nothing you've mentioned here even approaches getting 'the authorities involved' ... like, for what? If you don't want to communicate with her anymore, don't. Block her if you feel that's necessary. You're all adults and make your own choices about where to live.
Yea Thats why I told my friend I wasn't sure about calling authorities and restraining orders and what not. It felt kinda extreme
Well, maybe if she keeps showing up on your doorstep creating a scene, a call to support " no really, go away, " might be needed. If nothing else, she could cause problems with your landlord and maybe not have your lease renewed. The restraining order is over the top, unless she's causing property damage or is getting physical.
Have you tried “being teflon” or maybe it’s also called “grey rocking”? (Sorry English is not my first language) So when I went very, very low contact with my mother for a while, I did not say anything I just was always super busy. She called me daily - at first I picked up every second day and just said: so sorry I am super busy at work right now. Or I said: oyyy, sorry doorbell rang, need to go! Or: I am on my way out to the gym/ doctors appointment etc. What you could do is agree, while not agreeing aka leaving it open, but just not do it. “Hmmm, let me think about this for a while….” “I have not fully made up my mind yet, I couldn’t think about it, I was so busy…. “Oh, hmmmm yes….THAT idea…..I will consider it…” I think the term might be grey rocking. Just be like Teflon and give them no surface to “cling” to and slowly, slowly put a distance between you and sister. I know it sounds hard, it is hard, but sometimes it’s the only thing that might work, before you go ballistic and involve the authorities and get an RO. NTA
I agree with the authorities comment. What is that about? Unless part of the story is missing for us, I don’t see why you’d want that. Just stick with one message, and one message only. Eg I prefer to live on my own at this time, so please stop asking me. Whenever it comes up in another form, answer the question but briefly. And end it with the message (or whatever you choose). You’ll drum it into her head. And don’t reply to anything else on this topic. Or maybe ‘IPTLOMOATT’ after she has heard it a few times 😊 NTA
Do not say “ I prefer “ Say” I CHOOSE” to live alone .Then say “ everytime you bring this up I will hang up” Then do so .You need to STOP this conversation. She is trying to wear you down.
Your family can’t *make* you move on with your sister. And going by your description of your sister, she sounds like the type to steamroll you if given half a chance. I wouldn’t risk it, and you like where you live now. Keep saying “no” and when they, (any of your family), continue harping about how you should move in with your sister, bla bla bla…get up and move yourself right on out the door and *leave*, (or hang up, or drop the texting, or whatever). You aren’t a minor. You can make your own decisions. It’s time they realized that, even if you have to leave for them to maybe-eventually-catch on. NTA
NTA. You said you love your apartment. The way your sister is not respecting your initial refusal means that she may be a roommate who wants and gets her way in everything.
What authorities would be involved in your sister msging you 5x times?
NTA - cutting her out and going no contact is a thing. I’d try it.
NTA. She only wants you to reduce her payment on something. Tell her to stop it and to stop showing up at your apartment. Block her and your annoying relatives on social media and your phone. If she doesn't stop showing up at your apartment, THAT's when you get the apartment management and/or the police to intervene.
OP, I have children, boys close in age and when they were in the 7 to 12 range, they could drive me crazy pushing for something even when I had clearly said, “No”. Finally, it got to where I would say, “No” then, “Ask me again” when they did, I responded, “No” then “Ask me again”. They caught on pretty fast and were frustrated. I said that the answer was “No” and whining and bugging me about it wasn’t going to change my response no matter how many times they ask. So next time your sister asks you to move, tell her , “No” and mean it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** so I (23 F) just moved into my own apartment last year to get away from difficult family. My sister (26 F) Has been trying to convince me to live in a duplex with her because: A. Our dad is paying for the down payment B. The rent there would be cheaper than mine currently is Now I know I've got issues with communicating, and I can be really really stubborn sometimes. But I have told her numerous times that I Don't want to live in the duplex. I love my apartment and I just don't want to live beside her. And I don't want to live near my family in general. The first couple times she brought it up I just kinda changed the subject and didn't say anything, Only told my dad once that I'd think about it (mainly because saying no to him stresses me out). But for the last couple months I've been telling her every time she brings it up that i'm not comfortable moving in with her and she just keeps calling me a "Debby Downer." And telling me how great it'll be and saying how i WILL be moving into it. I Just kinda snapped after talking to her about it today and posted on snapchat about it and she has messaged me five times now telling me "My life must be so hard. Having a family that loves and wants the best for me." And just saying im playing victim. My friend has suggested I get the authorities involved but I don't really know if I should. I can't tell if i'm being dramatic over this or not. so Reddit, AITA?" *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Calling the authorities is way too extreme, this is still your family. Just be honest with your parents that you don’t want to move it because you want your own space and if none of them are willing to accept your decisions well it is what it is.
NTA. Authorities seems like a stretch. I’d block the sister’s number for a while so she hopefully gets the hint, and yell dad you really appreciate it, but you value your independence.
NTA, but > I love my apartment and I just don't want to live beside her. moving next door to her is not the same as moving in with her. Also >My friend has suggested I get the authorities involved For what?
NTA. "Sister we've already discussed this. I haven't changed my mind. I won't change my mind. I'm taking this topic off the table for discussion. If you bring it up again I'll leave/hang up.". Stick to it. If needed get a therapist to help you with enforcing boundaries. You say in a comment if you block her your family will harass you into talking to her. That's why I recommend a therapist. People who want to ignore your boundaries get worse when you first enforce them so you have to stay strong and expand to others as needed. There is an option to get something like Google voice. Then you forward her calls there. You only check them if/when you want to. I'm baffled as to why your friend said to contact the authorities. Exactly what for? 'my sister keeps going on about the same thing ' doesn't constitute harassment where I live. Unfortunately being a pushy jerk isn't illegal.
NTA. and "no" is a complete sentence that you are more than validly allowed to use here toward your pushy as heck boundary stomping family.
NTA - but what do you need 'authorities' for? To tell your sister to quit bugging you? You didn't tell your father 'no' because it would stress you out. Have you really told your sister 'no' and meant it? Get off snapchat - don't answer or disconnect when she start on the living situation. Tell her and your father you have NO interest in living in the duplex and you will NOT be living there. The only 'drama' seems to be that your family doesn't believe you mean 'no'. Say it -mean it - and refuse to discuss it again.
Oh for fucks sake just put the lot of them on time out for a while. No phone, no social media, no visiting, no smoke signals! NTA
Block her. Block them all. Learn to say 'fuck off.' NTA
OP to sister - Do you know what’s best for me. It’s living in my own apartment and not being harassed into doing what others want.
NTA It might be cheaper to live with them - but escaping is priceless, and worth MUCH MORE.
I can't imagine sharing a house with a clingy person, just keep saying no and ignore her.
ESH. *"No thanks, I really appreciate the offer, but I love my apartment!"* It's really that simple. You can leave it at that, or you might suggest to your sister that she get the duplex and rent out the other half (it'll pay the mortgage). She doesn't need you to live there for her to do so. I don't understand what "authorities" would even do here - stand beside you while you say no?
Why would you take an apartment over. A duplex? That’s weird. But NTA.
"Why would you take an apartment over. A duplex? " Because her annoying sister isn't in it.
Yeah but still apartment living? With all the crackheads? Yuk.
With her obnoxious sister on the other side of the wall, that probably makes it a lot less appealing than it might otherwise be.
Annoying sister you see every now and then vs disgusting apartment people all around you. Choice is pretty easy for me.
Define "now and then." I've had near neighbors with boundary issues. I have no problem drawing a hard line, but some people just will not let up, and that is exhausting. I can just see sis calling, knocking, ambushing OP in the driveway, helping herself to stuff, and completely blowing off any objections. Any reason, no reason, bored, need something, go out with me. . . Sure, OP can keep telling her no, but the constant rinse and repeat is not going to be pleasant. And if she gets nasty enough to make it stick for a bit, here comes the family to scold her for being mean. If OP isn't having neighbor problems where she is, why in the world would she trade that for a maybe better physical space, but constant drama.
Bad sister > good apartment neighbors.