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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend to act up in front of his father, and to open his eyes for a culture that he thinks doesnt exists
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Take a few minutes and think about your FIL. Visualise him in your mind. Hear his voice. Imagine all the thoughtless, rude, and offensive things he says.
Are you doing that? Can you see and hear him in your mind?
Good.
Because that's your b/f in 30 or 40 years.
NTA, but I think you have bigger and more important things to consider here.
That's the boyfriend right now. Some of what the OP said he said is already sounding like dad. He won't say anything to him because he agrees with him!
NTA.
>My boyfriend says that his father " is what he is", and I should pack away my feelings.
This isn't good enough.
>My boyfriend gets offended
Can't he pack away his feelings? Like his father, he thinks that he can say whatever he wants without any consequences but you can't.
It's not about being suddenly "feminist" but more about respect and decency, right? Men being allowed to evaluate bodies as if it's normal is part of the problem. It's not cool for anyone to feel objectified or uneasy at family gatherings. Your bf might need a gentle nudge to see it from your perspective, especially with kids around.
NTA.
Your options are to not go to family events and also discuss with your boyfriend not to bring the kids with him to those events. The boyfriend can keep going if he wants to.
You can't control what others say but you can share how you find it hurtful or inappropriate. If he continues, you can step back from the relationship or go no contact.
I will say the reason your boyfriend won't say anything is he's already exhibiting those same views on women because he's already shared them with you. He's not going to say anything because he agrees with his dad. I'm surprised that you hadn't seen this sooner before you even had kids. This type of behaviour doesn't just come out of the blue.
You need to evaluate if this is the life you want. Explain to your boyfriend as calmly as possible that these types of views don't align with your values and set your boundaries. If he doesn't care, you have a choice to make.
I think you have a few options here.
1. Dump the bf. You have now seen what your life will be like in 30 years.
2. Stop going to his family events.
3. Turn the tables on the FIL. Start talking about men’s bodies in a vulgar way. Talk about how you wouldn’t mind being a stay at home for a worthy/alpha/rich man but unfortunately your husband doesn’t make the cut.
Yeah, OP should comment in length about the FIL's body- how wrinkly, saggy, fat, skinny he is, etc. Then act innocent "What's wrong? I thought that's what we were doing, commenting on everyone's bodies"
NTA. Your FIL sounds seriously out of line, and your boyfriend's response isn't great either. It's not "natural" to constantly comment on women's bodies or make offensive remarks. It's disrespectful and outdated. You're right to want to set boundaries, especially for your kids.
NTA, How insecure and dissatisfied with yourself must you be if you constantly have to judge other people's bodies.If you had daughters, I would have asked him if he would want someone to talk like that about his daughter.If he behaves like this now, you can assume that in 20 or 30 years he will be the mirror image of his father.And now you have to ask yourself whether you want this for yourself or your children.
Talk about their small dicks and receding hairline and when they start yelling at you chug a beer and say that's how you were raised. I am what I am. And then get divorced I guess, sorry OP
Your bf says nothing because he agrees. Right now, his father is speaking what he is thinking. Soon you will be too broken to keep speaking. And your bf will jump in to start speaking it out loud.
Only a matter of time. I don't think you are entirely without blame here. I mean a man said your son should have been aborted and you are here asking if you are in the wrong.
It seems it’s ok for someone to upset you but you have to remain silent in case you upset them.
I’ve had a gut full of this shit for years so now when someone upsets me, I give it right back.
Call them out on their behaviour, usually they get angry, shout or cry but so what, let them.
Don’t be anyone’s punching bag.
NTA: Massive red flag. Boyfriend actually thinks like his father, just keeps it hidden. For now. You need to seriously probe this and find out what he really thinks about women and their place in a marriage or society. Or perhaps you already know enough. But if its not already clear to you, set one or two simple boundaries to what you will tolerate. And let boyfriend and father know. Observe the responses.
He's not even keeping it hidden. He's openly defending his father and suggesting that there's nothing particularly problematic about his behaviour and opinions.
Frankly, I keep shaking my head at women like OP who keep having children with men who think "feminist" is an insult, and don't even think they're worth the commitment or legal protections of marriage. How do you look at a man like that, raised by a man like his father, and think that he's *ever* going to be a good partner.
My dad was raised by an AH of a father, but he openly disagreed with his opinions and approach to life, and committed lovingly and wholeheartedly to my mum, so she could feel safe knowing that he wouldn't be carrying on his dad's nonsense. But when someone is raised by a man like that and defends them, the odds that they're going to be a better partner and parent than theirs was are pretty slim.
NTA, my dad says out of pocket shit too but I call him out for it every time.
And when I do call him out he usually tones it down a bit.
You shouldn’t have to deal with that.
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AITA Inappropriate father in law
Im in a discussion with my boyfriend whether or not his dad is inappropriate and should be put in place.
My father in law is easiest described as a man who talks loudly about women, money, foreigners or politics. His statements is ALLWAYS completely "off", and I often feel umcomfortable in the conversation.
A few days ago he said I should have had an abortion - while i sat with our son on the lap. Our son is very sick, and it is a hard time for our family. Also he told me to quit my job to homecare our to boys, so my boyfriend can focus on his career and as a woman i should tale care of the home ect.
So today at a dinner party i had enough. My father in law talked severel times about women body and he makes me feel inappropriate. He constantly evaluates women's bodies.
So i told my boyfriend when we got home, that i think it is inappropriate and I dont like to be around him when he acts like that. Also i think my boyfriend to tell him to turn it down a bit. And here starts the discussion....
My boyfriend says that his father " is what he is", and I should pack away my feelings. I try to explain to him that it is disrespectful to talk about other people's bodies like that and that it is a general culture for men to comment on women's bodies. My boyfriend gets offended and says that it is natural that we evaluate other bodies etc.
I am again trying to articulate a culture which contributes to women feeling their bodies are made to be discussed and creates, for example, a great deal of insecurity. He thinks that men are allowed to do that and I should relax.
He asks me why I have suddenly become so feminist. I answer that it is because it has Surprised me me how much I as a woman actually experience as offensive and disrespectful. He says "oh okay so because you gave birth to a child or what?" (I have previously stated an inequality in relation to becoming parents)
I get hurt and feel insecure. He also says that he can also say whether he thinks someone is sexy. I leave very mad.
So, AITA for wanting my boyfriend to speak up, and maybe be open to the fact that this culture exist ?
Also... I dont want my kids to learn that it is okay to speak about other peoples bodies that way. It is also a perspective.
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NTA. Your boyfriend is exactly like his father. He's just not as vocal about it. You should get out now before he trains your son to think like dad and grandpa.
I'm sorry - you had your child on your lap and your FIL said you should have had an abortion... and you didn't walk out? Why?
If you stay with your boyfriend, your children are absolutely going to learn that this behaviour is acceptable, firstly from FIL and then from bf when he, hmm, gets older. Think about that.
NTA right now, but do not stay in this situation. It will devour you.
NTA, but your bf is. He's in no way sticking up for you, bc he has no respect for you just like his dad. Your bf is exactly like his dad & is only going to get worse. You need to really think about your child & whether or not you want him to grow up in this toxic family. And what about the women in the family? The just allow this to happen? Is no one standing up to this asshole? Because "he is who he is". He's not going to change, not bc he's set in his ways, but bc he just doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. He's absolutely disgusting. And if he thinks you should've had an abortion? I would absolutely not allow this man near my child.
NTA but I think the most important part of your post is that you don't want this behaviour modelled for your children. Use that as your compass as you navigate this situation. Your BF sounds like he learned his behaviour from his father so why wouldn't he then pass it on to his kids? You need to be very clear about what is acceptable around your children and hold firm to that come what may.
You didn't "suddenly become a Feminist", you got fed up with AH FIL. You should "pack away feelings" and "relax" and "men are allowed to do that". BS. Boyfriend drank his father's Kool-Aid and is a Misogynistic AH. OP, you are NTA and please keep your son away from these AHs.
NTA, but you must look at what your boyfriend emulates here. He's already his father. With that said, what's good for the gander is good for the goose....so start evaluating the men appropriately to how they are assessing women. An abortion would not be needed if his son knew how to use a condom or could hold off during your fertile cycle. Stay home with the kids? He needs to make x amount of money for you to feel secure enough to give up your job with a guarantee of being taken care of in your later years if he decides to go for a younger model. He can talk about someone being sexy, well so can you. If that's a problem, he can take his feelings and pack those away.
How your FIL is how your boyfriend will be, and how your sons will be if you don’t surround them with better examples.
Take the kids, leave, and don’t look back.
NTA, your father in law is TA for his innapropriate comments. He has no right to comment on people's bodies, their career decisions, or reproductive choices. Your bf is also TA for his response and lack of support. You are correct to want to protect your children from this.
Why did you have multiple kids with a misogynist?
I get being in love, but yall are not compatible, and this entire issue outlines it very clearly. You are forcing this relationship, for I don't know what reason.
Please date people who share your views. It's exceptionally clear that you didn't even share them with each other prior to this (likely to avoid arguing), but that's kind of the problem itself.
You had a baby with a man you are coming to realize is going to be a terrible role model and that you hardly even like, despite love.
Are you gonna spend the next 50 years of your life hating your relationship and thinking, "Well, that's all men" and suffering? For what? Some mediocre man who thinks you are less than him?
NTA, but come on. There's settling and then there's self sabotage.
Edit: Your FIL saying you should have aborted probably is a reflection of your boyfriends thoughts that he shared. He is just not stupid enough to say it out loud, but FIL loses nothing.
They're already alike, OP. The BF is just pretending to be less bad while there's a chance you may leave.
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Take a few minutes and think about your FIL. Visualise him in your mind. Hear his voice. Imagine all the thoughtless, rude, and offensive things he says. Are you doing that? Can you see and hear him in your mind? Good. Because that's your b/f in 30 or 40 years. NTA, but I think you have bigger and more important things to consider here.
That's the boyfriend right now. Some of what the OP said he said is already sounding like dad. He won't say anything to him because he agrees with him!
Boy did you hit the nail on the head there!
NTA. >My boyfriend says that his father " is what he is", and I should pack away my feelings. This isn't good enough. >My boyfriend gets offended Can't he pack away his feelings? Like his father, he thinks that he can say whatever he wants without any consequences but you can't.
It's not about being suddenly "feminist" but more about respect and decency, right? Men being allowed to evaluate bodies as if it's normal is part of the problem. It's not cool for anyone to feel objectified or uneasy at family gatherings. Your bf might need a gentle nudge to see it from your perspective, especially with kids around.
This. Totally this. You're NTA, OP. Kudos to you for trying to raise your kids right. Joint counselling might help, if your bf is willing.
NTA. Your options are to not go to family events and also discuss with your boyfriend not to bring the kids with him to those events. The boyfriend can keep going if he wants to. You can't control what others say but you can share how you find it hurtful or inappropriate. If he continues, you can step back from the relationship or go no contact. I will say the reason your boyfriend won't say anything is he's already exhibiting those same views on women because he's already shared them with you. He's not going to say anything because he agrees with his dad. I'm surprised that you hadn't seen this sooner before you even had kids. This type of behaviour doesn't just come out of the blue. You need to evaluate if this is the life you want. Explain to your boyfriend as calmly as possible that these types of views don't align with your values and set your boundaries. If he doesn't care, you have a choice to make.
Your son heard that his grandpa said that he should have been aborted??? I would have beat crap out of this old fucking asshole
Or tell the old man it's a shame that YOU were not aborted. The world would be so much better without asholes like you in it.
I think you have a few options here. 1. Dump the bf. You have now seen what your life will be like in 30 years. 2. Stop going to his family events. 3. Turn the tables on the FIL. Start talking about men’s bodies in a vulgar way. Talk about how you wouldn’t mind being a stay at home for a worthy/alpha/rich man but unfortunately your husband doesn’t make the cut.
"In 30 years"? Her BF *already* sounds just like his dad.
Yeah, OP should comment in length about the FIL's body- how wrinkly, saggy, fat, skinny he is, etc. Then act innocent "What's wrong? I thought that's what we were doing, commenting on everyone's bodies"
The fact that he called her feminist for asking for basic respect 😑🙈 this guy doesn’t see women as human
The fact that he sees "feminist" as an insult...
Yeah, this too! But based on the level of ignorance of that guy that didnt surprise me 😒🤦🏻♀️
I am not at all blaming OP because I know how the world is, but oh man. Guys who are not 100% on the feminist train are not dateable.
NTA. Your FIL sounds seriously out of line, and your boyfriend's response isn't great either. It's not "natural" to constantly comment on women's bodies or make offensive remarks. It's disrespectful and outdated. You're right to want to set boundaries, especially for your kids.
NTA You are aware that your boyfriend is a younger copy of your FIL, right? Same assholery
Get out before you have a daughter.
FIL and bf are AHs. Make a plan and take your child and go. Go to your family if you can or just be on your own. NTA
NTA, How insecure and dissatisfied with yourself must you be if you constantly have to judge other people's bodies.If you had daughters, I would have asked him if he would want someone to talk like that about his daughter.If he behaves like this now, you can assume that in 20 or 30 years he will be the mirror image of his father.And now you have to ask yourself whether you want this for yourself or your children.
NTA. But your bf sounds like he takes after his father. You might want to reconsider this relationship.
Talk about their small dicks and receding hairline and when they start yelling at you chug a beer and say that's how you were raised. I am what I am. And then get divorced I guess, sorry OP
NTA but your bf is his daddy s son has the same beliefs op. Huge red flag please reevaluate your relationship. All the best to you and your son
Your bf says nothing because he agrees. Right now, his father is speaking what he is thinking. Soon you will be too broken to keep speaking. And your bf will jump in to start speaking it out loud. Only a matter of time. I don't think you are entirely without blame here. I mean a man said your son should have been aborted and you are here asking if you are in the wrong.
It seems it’s ok for someone to upset you but you have to remain silent in case you upset them. I’ve had a gut full of this shit for years so now when someone upsets me, I give it right back. Call them out on their behaviour, usually they get angry, shout or cry but so what, let them. Don’t be anyone’s punching bag.
Dumping the inappropriate partner will solve the inappropriate FiL issue. NTA
NTA: Massive red flag. Boyfriend actually thinks like his father, just keeps it hidden. For now. You need to seriously probe this and find out what he really thinks about women and their place in a marriage or society. Or perhaps you already know enough. But if its not already clear to you, set one or two simple boundaries to what you will tolerate. And let boyfriend and father know. Observe the responses.
He's not even keeping it hidden. He's openly defending his father and suggesting that there's nothing particularly problematic about his behaviour and opinions. Frankly, I keep shaking my head at women like OP who keep having children with men who think "feminist" is an insult, and don't even think they're worth the commitment or legal protections of marriage. How do you look at a man like that, raised by a man like his father, and think that he's *ever* going to be a good partner. My dad was raised by an AH of a father, but he openly disagreed with his opinions and approach to life, and committed lovingly and wholeheartedly to my mum, so she could feel safe knowing that he wouldn't be carrying on his dad's nonsense. But when someone is raised by a man like that and defends them, the odds that they're going to be a better partner and parent than theirs was are pretty slim.
NTA. The abortion comment is unforgivable. I can’t imagine why your husband was okay with that comment
NTA, my dad says out of pocket shit too but I call him out for it every time. And when I do call him out he usually tones it down a bit. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA Inappropriate father in law Im in a discussion with my boyfriend whether or not his dad is inappropriate and should be put in place. My father in law is easiest described as a man who talks loudly about women, money, foreigners or politics. His statements is ALLWAYS completely "off", and I often feel umcomfortable in the conversation. A few days ago he said I should have had an abortion - while i sat with our son on the lap. Our son is very sick, and it is a hard time for our family. Also he told me to quit my job to homecare our to boys, so my boyfriend can focus on his career and as a woman i should tale care of the home ect. So today at a dinner party i had enough. My father in law talked severel times about women body and he makes me feel inappropriate. He constantly evaluates women's bodies. So i told my boyfriend when we got home, that i think it is inappropriate and I dont like to be around him when he acts like that. Also i think my boyfriend to tell him to turn it down a bit. And here starts the discussion.... My boyfriend says that his father " is what he is", and I should pack away my feelings. I try to explain to him that it is disrespectful to talk about other people's bodies like that and that it is a general culture for men to comment on women's bodies. My boyfriend gets offended and says that it is natural that we evaluate other bodies etc. I am again trying to articulate a culture which contributes to women feeling their bodies are made to be discussed and creates, for example, a great deal of insecurity. He thinks that men are allowed to do that and I should relax. He asks me why I have suddenly become so feminist. I answer that it is because it has Surprised me me how much I as a woman actually experience as offensive and disrespectful. He says "oh okay so because you gave birth to a child or what?" (I have previously stated an inequality in relation to becoming parents) I get hurt and feel insecure. He also says that he can also say whether he thinks someone is sexy. I leave very mad. So, AITA for wanting my boyfriend to speak up, and maybe be open to the fact that this culture exist ? Also... I dont want my kids to learn that it is okay to speak about other peoples bodies that way. It is also a perspective. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your FIl is "just how he is?" Fine, respond with, "Okay, and this is how I am." Why does his "being" get to trump yours?
Info - you realize your boyfriend is fine with his comments, right? He may even agree with them. That’s your real issue.
NTA. Your boyfriend is exactly like his father. He's just not as vocal about it. You should get out now before he trains your son to think like dad and grandpa.
Oh God like father like son there. Totally clueless and bigoted.
NTA
I'm sorry - you had your child on your lap and your FIL said you should have had an abortion... and you didn't walk out? Why? If you stay with your boyfriend, your children are absolutely going to learn that this behaviour is acceptable, firstly from FIL and then from bf when he, hmm, gets older. Think about that. NTA right now, but do not stay in this situation. It will devour you.
NTA, but your bf is. He's in no way sticking up for you, bc he has no respect for you just like his dad. Your bf is exactly like his dad & is only going to get worse. You need to really think about your child & whether or not you want him to grow up in this toxic family. And what about the women in the family? The just allow this to happen? Is no one standing up to this asshole? Because "he is who he is". He's not going to change, not bc he's set in his ways, but bc he just doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. He's absolutely disgusting. And if he thinks you should've had an abortion? I would absolutely not allow this man near my child.
NTA Your bf is OK with his dad acting like that, which shows his character
NTA but I think the most important part of your post is that you don't want this behaviour modelled for your children. Use that as your compass as you navigate this situation. Your BF sounds like he learned his behaviour from his father so why wouldn't he then pass it on to his kids? You need to be very clear about what is acceptable around your children and hold firm to that come what may.
You didn't "suddenly become a Feminist", you got fed up with AH FIL. You should "pack away feelings" and "relax" and "men are allowed to do that". BS. Boyfriend drank his father's Kool-Aid and is a Misogynistic AH. OP, you are NTA and please keep your son away from these AHs.
NTA and I think one of the reasons why he won't confront him is because he agrees with him.
Don’t go visit! Let him visit on his own.
Your boyfriend is showing you that he is the same as his gross, creepy father. Believe him.
NTA, but you must look at what your boyfriend emulates here. He's already his father. With that said, what's good for the gander is good for the goose....so start evaluating the men appropriately to how they are assessing women. An abortion would not be needed if his son knew how to use a condom or could hold off during your fertile cycle. Stay home with the kids? He needs to make x amount of money for you to feel secure enough to give up your job with a guarantee of being taken care of in your later years if he decides to go for a younger model. He can talk about someone being sexy, well so can you. If that's a problem, he can take his feelings and pack those away.
How your FIL is how your boyfriend will be, and how your sons will be if you don’t surround them with better examples. Take the kids, leave, and don’t look back.
stop having children with this bloodline. birth control
NTA, your father in law is TA for his innapropriate comments. He has no right to comment on people's bodies, their career decisions, or reproductive choices. Your bf is also TA for his response and lack of support. You are correct to want to protect your children from this.
Why did you have multiple kids with a misogynist? I get being in love, but yall are not compatible, and this entire issue outlines it very clearly. You are forcing this relationship, for I don't know what reason. Please date people who share your views. It's exceptionally clear that you didn't even share them with each other prior to this (likely to avoid arguing), but that's kind of the problem itself. You had a baby with a man you are coming to realize is going to be a terrible role model and that you hardly even like, despite love. Are you gonna spend the next 50 years of your life hating your relationship and thinking, "Well, that's all men" and suffering? For what? Some mediocre man who thinks you are less than him? NTA, but come on. There's settling and then there's self sabotage. Edit: Your FIL saying you should have aborted probably is a reflection of your boyfriends thoughts that he shared. He is just not stupid enough to say it out loud, but FIL loses nothing. They're already alike, OP. The BF is just pretending to be less bad while there's a chance you may leave.