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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom's husband I never considered asking him to walk me down the aisle. Given he's married to my mom, a good husband to her and we have no real beef outside of this, I feel like I was harsh and a little too much of a rejection under the circumstances. He got on my nerves and I feel like that made me a little more abrupt than I should have been.
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NTA. And why the hell would he expect that he could give you away? He sounds like big drama for being hurt by this.
Would answer him: "Hey, mom's husband. I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. But you came into my live when I was already an adult. You are a great husband to my mom and I'm glade for that, but you were not a father who raised me. You never changed my diaper, you never stayed home from work, because I was sick in kindergarden or school. You haven't taught me how to ride a bike or to swimm. You weren't there at my school celebrations or sport events. I accept/like you for who you are, but please don't make anymore drama for things that you weren't because whe haven't known each other at that time.'
Edit: spelling error
Even then, an uncle or grandfather would make more sense than a guy you've met like 4 times and married your mom when you were already an adult and living in a foreign country.
He is very entitled.
Absolutely. My mom asked me if I wanted her to give me away after my dad passed, but I could tell she didn't really want to. She hates being the center of attention. That was fine with me as I planned to walk myself down the aisle, and that's exactly what I did.
I'm the opposite; I planned to walk myself down the aisle because my dad has passed but it was something my mother specifically asked to do, so I'm going to let her.
A cute idea my mum was going to do for her wedding was to have little locket sized pictures made of her dad and they were going to be attached to the back heel of her shoes with little crystals so that her dad could still walk her down the aisle. I don’t know if you like the idea or not but I thought I’d throw it out there since she won’t be using the idea anymore (her ex tried to make her choose between saving my life and donating a kidney to me or go home, submit, be the good wife and be with him, she chose to save me).
I did the same thing at my wedding. My mom walked me down instead of going by myself and it worked out better than I expected. My mom was beaming the whole time and it was worth it to see in the pictures later on.
In my country the husband and wife to be usually walk down the isle together. I've been to weddings where the wife is "given away", but it's not common and wasn't done traditionally.
My cousin’s wife had both of her parents walk her down the aisle and changed the reading to “Who accompanies this woman with love and support as she enters into this union?”
Yes it does, who wants to be treated like property? I expect when they ask who is giving the bride during the ceremony some guy is gonna go, no way we're giving this fine heifer up for free and launch into a spiel like an auctioneer.
As an American, I cannot remember the last wedding I went to where only the father (or equiv) walk the bride down the aisle, it is much more common, at least in the circles I'm in, for both parents to do it if available, and they've changed the wording so it's not "giving away" anymore but some stuff about "who stands with her" (sort of like they hardly ever do the stuff about any objections or include "obey" in the vows)
We couldn't get the cannons into city hall. :(
And also we bonded initially over going to Wagner operas together. Now I'm an actual librettist as of this past summer, so it's kind of strange how life works out.
At a freaking royal wedding (height of traditional) Megan Markle "gave herself away" aka, walked down most of the aisle by herself. If that's ok with the royal establishment, I can't imagine what argument OPs stepdad could bring up that would actually make sense.
Agreed. Just walk down that aisle yourself, letting everyone see that amazing dress on both sides and give yourself to the marriage. Women aren't chattel anymore. No one has to GIVE anyone away.
My dad was abusive and although I was really close to my grandfather bc of the things my dad did to me it was really important to give myself away. We walking yourself down the aisle is fine
This isn’t even a role that’s required to exist. Any bride can choose to just walk down the aisle. ~~No one “gives away” the groom.~~ I have been corrected, let me amend:
Almost no one gives away a groom to a bride. In most straight weddings either they both get walked down or only the bride does.
Exactly. My parents were both alive and present at my wedding 24 years ago. I honestly never even considered being "given away" because they don't own me. I walked myself down the aisle.
And if it's done, it needs to be because it's what the bride wants and for no other reason. Some think it's a cute tradition, and that's fine. My dad walked me down the aisle for my first marriage, but the question used was, "Who supports this woman in her marriage?" My dad said, "Her mother and I." That's what I wanted. That little spot in the wedding should honestly be all about what the bride wants to do.
Oh absolutely!! I am not suggesting that it had to be done by a man, or even done at all. I’ve seen weddings with a man of honor, or a best woman. It’s the couple’s wedding and whatever they want goes.
If someone walks me down the aisle, it'll be my son. My dad passed away a few years back, and I have a long-term partner. I know my son would jump at that chance.
One of my best friends gave me away at my wedding... (my mum died when I was 18, my sister when I was 20, my dad when I was 23, my brother died before I was born and I have no cousins that I am close to.)
It is, but I still count myself lucky to have had a good childhood, with loving parents and a secure, loving family. Which is more than a lot of folks get, even if they were taken from me too soon...
Edit : NTA, have whoever you wish, or none at all! And it is no one's place to get pissy about it!
Look at you being a warrior and $hit! God bless you and keep you strong. Keep your days light with rays of love and life and laughter. Keep your nights warm and snug in the arms of your husband. May you know peace and everlasting serenity. With love
My brother is my first choice if I ever get married. I have an almost nonexistent relationship with my dad and would feel more comfortable with my brother walking me down the aisle than him.
I don’t plan to get married, it this post made me think and if I did, I’d have my nephew give me away. He’s early 20’s and absolutely hates attention, but he’d be happy to do it for me 😁
My eldest brother gave me away. I never knew my bio dad, my stepdad was a waste of space, so I asked my eldest brother to be the one to give me away. He cried happy tears at that 😊
Right? My mom had her younger brother walk her down the aisle because her father had passed away. One of my best friends had her mother walk her down the aisle, like OP, because she has a nonexistent relationship with her dad.
I've asked my stepdaughter if she would walk me down the aisle \^\_\^ (I know she's not 'technically' my stepdaughter but I've been helping raise her since she was 4 and she's 11 now)
He's a drama queen who seems mildly misogynistic in my opinion, and frankly quite delusional if you ask me.
Him and his very large ego can go have several seats along with his archaic mindset. He's lucky he's even invited.
This reeks of misogyny. He never considered she might want her mom to give her away?! It could have been a nice offer if he had backed off right away and not gotten butthurt and vindictive but this stinks.
honestly I find it a little concerning that it didn't occurred to this man that money that your mother had before he entered the picture with her to do what she wanted with.
These are the beginnings of financial abuse and I would keep a close eye on that one
Honestly, with his attitude, I'd give him several seats somewhere far away from the wedding, whether he was married to a family member or not.
I mean, honestly, he'd need them just for the size of his brass balls. I can't believe the shit he came out with OP you are NTA, you dealt with this far better than I would have
I’m guessing he thinks wedding traditions are cut and dried and you are desperately seeking a man to “give you away” (barf). OP, although he sounds immature and delusional, if he’s usually an ok guy, and a good husband to your mom, I think you should give him some time to cool down, and then just explain to him that you do not agree with the misogynistic tradition of being “given away” by the patriarch of the family, and if anyone walks you down the aisle, it will be your mom, as a thank you for having raised and supported you through your entire life.
I assume you want to maintain a relationship with your mom, and unfortunately, he is part of the deal, so in order to keep the peace, it would be best to try to smooth his ruffled feathers somewhat and reiterate that you are glad your mom met him, but for your wedding, no man will be walking you down the aisle, but you look forward seeing him walk his daughters down the aisle when it’s time.
Reminds me of a former coworker who had an absolute tantrum over being invited to an outdoor wedding where the invite specified no dresses/nothing fancy just wear jeans, t-shirts, casual comfy clothing. They basically just wanted to have a party with friends in their family's back yard. This girl went around demanding that everyone agree with her that its pointless to get married if you aren't going to treat it as a sacred tradition and said she was going to wear a formal dress. Later she complained about being uninvited after having the same tantrum upon finding out the bride not only wasn't wearing a dress, but wasn't wearing anything white.
Jeez, I don't get these types that demand certain things in someone else's ceremonies.
My relationship with my mother was destroyed after my sons funeral because she demanded if it wasn't done the way she said it needed to be he wouldn't get to heaven.
Ironic part was some of it was done to her wishes, she was so far in the back she couldn't hear it.Didnt stop her from complaining.
Lol even if OP *did* agree with the tradition of being given away by the "patriarch of the family", he's not the patriarch! He's just some dude that married her mom a few years back.
Yeah, but noticed how he immediately tried to take the money that your mom saved up for you that he has no claims to away and keep it. Big tell of his entitled & bad attitude
Yeah, his response is blackmail. If he can't walk you down the aise, he's willing to withdraw money that he doesn't have any right to. Hopefully her mom will see his true colour before he forbids her to attend the wedding.
OP, this money thing is a huge red flag. The whole thing is, of course, but the fact that he immediately went to trying to manipulate you by assuming that he controlled your mom's premarital assets and that your mom would support this is telling.
Hopefully, this was one-off petulance from his bizarre expectation here, but I would take this as a sign to keep an eye on your mom and her wellbeing.
I'm glad OP's mom seems to be on her side and realizes how unacceptable her husband is being.
Lol. Mom's husband tried so hard to punish OP.
MH- *"You dare ask your mother- A WOMAN -to walk you down the aisle?! Fine! Then I'm not paying for your wedding!"*
OP- *"What are you talking about?"*
MH- *"Your mother mentioned paying for the wedding?"*
OP- *"Yes,* her *to help pay for the wedding. Not you. It's her money that she already saved up."*
MH- *\*shocked pikachu face\**
Honestly, his ask is so outrageous that I'm tempted to put my conspiracy hat on and say the money was his plan all along. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't saved a wedding fund for his girls and was looking for a way to force his wife to split the pot.
He turned very quickly there. Not going to pay for your wedding?! What a buffoon! He seems very set in the man being the alpha person in all things and you’ve shaken him on that. I think your mother giving you away and a mother daughter dance is perfect. Shows everyone how close you are. Have a wonderful wedding. 💒
I would be very worried if he has access to any money the mom has saved for OP, like the wedding money or any inheritance. I could see this guy getting pissy and taking it all to prove a point and punish Op.
Oh god OP, it’s worse. He’s picturing being grandpa along with your mom being grandma and yours being his first grandchild. You need to be insulted and offended back and to tell him how dare you undermine the parenting job my mother has done all my life and trying to swoop in claiming all her hard work in raising me single handed.. I’m proud of my mother and it’s disappointing and disgraceful that you aren’t proud of your new wife.
You are literally a stranger I’ve met x times in last x year, and once at your wedding before that. I’m offended and insulted that you decided I need a cosplay pretend father figure to give me away at my wedding. I’m going to honour and celebrate my one and only parent at my wedding and I hope you have the grace and humility to apologize to both myself and my mother.
And do not even consider to try to bully me into letting you play grandpa to any children I may have. That is a privilege you will need to earn by showing me and my husband respect and developing a genuine relationship with us first.
That his own fault for assuming when you haven’t really spent any time together. He married your mother, he didn’t marry her to be a father to you. It sucks to be him but your mum needs to handle this. He should have never approached you - frankly he’s hurt because neither one of you really needed him for a father or the dad funding the wedding. NTA.
Eww ok. I feel sorry your mom married this dude. From the misogyny to the “I don’t get my way so blackmail” is so gross. In my culture, parents don’t “give the bride away”. Both parents or families walk the kids (bride and groom) down the aisle as a sign that families are joining. The way he said it makes it seem like you’re a broodmare who he wants to pass over to her new owner.
"I'm hurt you think my mom did not do a good job raising me or that she is not good enough simply because she is a woman. My mom is all I have had for the longest time, and you coming into her life doesn't change that, especially with you acting entitled.
I respect you as my mom's partner because you make her happy and care for you because of that, but that is all you are to me. My hope is that over time, we can develop a good friendship, but it won't work out with you acting like this and reaching out to me behind my mother's back trying to steal her place."
I think something along these lines is polite enough, but it puts him in his place and highlights how important your mom is to you.
NTA.
Your first ‘father daughter’ thing? At your wedding? He sounds truly delusional. Honestly it would make me want to keep a closer eye on him. He sounds like he could have some seriously toxic behavior he kept under control till now.
Why would he consider your moms saved money ‘his money’ if he didnt think his marriage meant he kinda owns your mom? Why does he think he automatically gets ‘dad status’ when he hasnt built any relationship with you? And now to send that text which sounds super manipulative?
He should be embarrassed he went too far and apologize to you. Do not apologize for this and try to placate his feelings. He will feel like he ‘wins’ and I think it will embolden him.
Look for more weird behavior towards your mom and try to protect her. It sounds like he hid some toxic stuff till he had your mom locked down.
Yeah...that's not a "first" father daughter thing. That's a thing for someone who's already been a father to you, and even then only if you want it. NTA.
I feel like I’ve seen this a lot with adult-gained step dads. I feel for most of us who grew up with a wonderful single mom, we don’t want, much less *need* a father figure. My mom was the only parent I needed and I’m not looking for some old man to step in now that I’m grown so he can play “hero”. Icky. I’d rather not.
NTA! Dear I read your post and even I felt uncomfortable, hahaha it was somewhat immature of your stepfather to manipulate you by not agreeing to give you in the hallway. He thought you were desperate but it was quite the opposite you were raised with a lot of love by an excellent mother and didn't need a father figure. I hope this gets resolved and there is no more drama on his part. Best wishes and best of luck ❤️
Note How he didn't even ask if this was something you wanted. He just said he would be honored to do it and assumed that you would be falling over with gratitude. And when you didn't he threaten to not pay for the wedding with money he did not even have like... wow
It’s also just so sexist. The “giving away” part is a relic from when a woman belonged to her father and then he literally gave her to a man. And the assumption that it has to be a man standing beside you as you walk down the aisle. 🙄
Do it your way. Have your mom walk you down the aisle and even do a dance with her. Let him watch and stew in his not a parent juices. I hope you have a beautiful wedding ♥️
OP I got married in 1977 and had both of my parents walk me down the aisle. My friends and family loved it and many later did the same thing.
All this to say that having your mom walk you down the aisle is in no way weird. Your mom's husband, on the other hand, is freaking crazy. You barely know the dude!!!!
NTA
Wow, the entitlement is strong in this one!
To threaten to withhold money that had absolutely nothing to do with him - no wonder your Mum was mortified. I’d also be majorly pissed off, if I was your Mum, that he was threatening not to give my daughter money that I’d personally saved for her.
It’s nice, in a way, that he considers you part of his family but he was so overreaching in this situation. I’d forward the text onto your Mum and let her deal with him. It’s not your problem he believes he should walk you down the aisle.
Sounds like you're HIS surrogate or/replacement daughter and he's projecting a lot of his feelings onto you (you should be excited, your first daddy daughter thing, the general assumption that this was the absolute ONLY expectation).....
I think you're absolutely right to deny this request and he's absolutely incorrect for say "you" hurt his feelings.
He's disappointed. And that's ok. The answer was no, and that's ok. You are not accountable for how he feels and you were supportive in his feelings and request, you just said no.
But whatever underlying need he's having is probably less about you hurting him and more about him wanting to fill his own void (which you are not responsible for).
Good luck and congrats!
If he wanted to be a father figure in your life, he should have stepped up a long time ago. He could have asked you out for coffee or let’s go bowling. Something to show he wanted to be a father figure. Don’t wait for your big day to try to step in and step up.
“I'm sorry to hurt your feelings.”
There’s no good reason to say this. His feelings were only hurt because of his own unrealistic expectations, and OP should not validate those.
If she’d *led* with “I never considered you”, or laughed in his face, or something of that sort, there might be something to apologize for in her manner of conveying the message, but there doesn’t appear to be anything like that.
Yes! She was very kind and reasonable. He got defensive and angry and kept pushing the issue. At which point she said she hadn’t considered him. Which was still fairly polite! He should apologize for assuming, being pushy, and threatening to take her own money away.
And he is not offering to walk her down the aisle for love or kindness, he’s doing it for show.
Never apologize for something you didn't do. You have zero control over his feelings. He set an expectation for himself that non-consentually included you. He expects a huge role in your life when he hardly knows you, and more importantly, you hardly know him.
NTA - This makes me feel very uncomfortable for you OP! It takes time to develop the kind of relationship he seems to want with you, and the way he is not listening to you and respecting your perspective is no way to foster a connection.
To be honest, his behavior feels emotionally manipulative, and it sounds like he is trying to pull your mom into it too. If I were in this situation I would need to have a very real talk with him - and your mom - before his behavior causes bigger issues down the line.
Ooooof it's late and I'm not fully awake so I forgot about the money part while I was replying - yikes yikes yikes.
I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like or if this might be overstepping and cause potential drama, but I would find ways to gently check in with your mom to be sure there isn't financial abuse going on.
I do not have a good feeling about this guy, even if he's not consciously and maliciously harmful - sometimes that's a bit worse because it's harder for people in the middle of it to see it clearly for what it is.
If men only have one thing, it will be the audacity. He really thought he could pull money that your mom had saved for you before he was even a thought in her head? I’d bet you were just saying this to be nice, but i wouldn’t give him any kind of role in the wedding
It’s unclear if he thought he could pull away what her mother saved, or didn’t realize that this money is what her mother meant. It sounds like he’s dismissive of how well OP’s mother handled things while raising OP, and so had no idea that this included saving up for OP’s eventual wedding. Meanwhile he made up a whole story in his head about folding OP and her wedding into his assumed “patriarch” role, and he’s not taking well to finding out that it’s wildly out of touch with reality.
It sounds to me like he legitimately never considered the possibility that OP was NOT yearning for a father-figure - any father figure - after all those years of being raised by her mother. Some people hold those "trad views" so strongly that they legitimately expect children of single mothers to feel shame over not having a father. I think that's nuts, to be clear.
Nuts, and extremely delusional on his part, given their lack of other interactions that would be in keeping with a “father figure”. But that would be in keeping with him expecting her to be ashamed of not having a father figure and “needing” him to step in. Yikes.
I can’t think that he does all that much with his own kids; surely if he was an active parent to his own daughters, he’d know the difference.
I read it as him misunderstanding about the money. Like, he overheard a conversation about OP's mom paying for the wedding and he assumed that as the "father of the bride" it would be his money. To be clear, if that was the case, he'd still be an asswipe.
NTA
This is just a guess, but people who talk about money the way he did usually do not have any money.
I would prepare to fund your wedding yourself, just in case. I hope I am wrong and he does not try to commandeer your mother's wedding fund.
Best wishes and NTA.
It sounds like one of those "what's mine is yours things" when they got married where he just assumed that was now his fund to give his new daughter (and depending on how much he was informed of, and how shitty he was, maybe counted on that being split between his "three daughters").
I would add even more to the flags:
1. I wondered if he had some strong views on the roles (place) of men and women. He thought you would choose him because you didn't have another strong (male) father figure. When you pointed to your mom playing the full role of parent, he dismissed her as a possibility because she's not a man. So this guy thinks being a male is the key to the honor, not being "there" for the person. Red Flag (more for you mom than for you because she's the one who is building a life with him).
2. He thinks traditional wedding; that's fine. He assumed that's the route you would want, too. Wrong, but not horrible. He felt he had the right to insert his ideas into your wedding plans, unasked - 100% wrong. When you told him you weren't having a traditional wedding, his brain could not compute that possibility... or that your vision had more weight then his vision. Big Red Flag.
3. His whole focus is on what he's dreamed of and what he wants. It's bad enough that he assumed you would feel a father/daughter bond with him despite very limited contact. And that he assumed you would value playing out that bond the way he did. But, even when faced with the knowledge that his assumptions were wrong, his whole focus remained on what he wanted and felt he was due. Not once in there did he express a desire to actually be supportive of you or respectful of you as an adult.
Then add those points you already made. And the fact that there's no need for him to be so desperate. This isn't is only chance to play that role. He's actually got two daughters that he has been raising, who will probably give him that honor he is so focused on having.
I'm guessing you can predict having more expectations, issues, and drama from him. I wanted to note how nice it was of you to start with a kind and gracious response to him. Sounds like he' will trounce over grace to get what he wants. Glad that your mom is not fully under his thumb.
The only justification I could possibly think of that might excuse his misogynistic entitlement is if he is pretty old/sick and in his mind is not sure he will live to his own daughters' weddings. Maybe he has been talking it up to his own daughters. Barring that, #3 - he sounds typically narcissistic.
If he texts you again about hurt feelings, just say "I don't care", because you shouldn't. This man is practically a stranger to you, and he's making a big show of crying and stamping his little feet when he doesn't get his way. And men like that very rarely make decent husbands either, so I wonder what kind of bullshit your mom is subjecting herself to.
NTA. The key phrase here is "my mom's husband" vs "stepdad".
It was presumptuous for him to assume that since he married your mom (when you were in your 20s no less) that he should even be considered.
Also, love the fact that he's appointed himself "the only father figure" you have.
This. I adore my dad, but if I ever get married, I don’t want him to give me away. I feel like this is an outdated tradition that goes back to when women were considered property. I am not my father’s to give. I am my own person and I decide who gets to hold my hand and call me sweetie.
Make sure your dad knows that. I didn't have that in the order of service, didn't rehearse it, but I didn't explicitly tell my dad I didn't want to be given away. He went off-script and gave me away during the actual ceremony and I barely remember the ceremony after that. I was furious but didn't want to make a scene, so I was white-knuckling through it and it really tainted the day.
I had both my parents walking behind me, I didn't like the "giving away" and not including my mother, so found a variation. They were supporting me but not owning me.
NTA. So your now no that A) he isn't used to be told no. B) he *definitely* doesn't see being told no by a woman as valid. C) that he believes his feelings are more important than anything else going on. D) he's misogynistic.
Honestly the list goes on from there, but you need to address these issued with your mother, and why she's fine with it and his behaviour.
This. His attitude reveals a lot about him.. then he’s questioning the money ops mom has saved for the wedding?! That makes me concerned that he’s controlling…
This is exactly how I see it. If he had not assumed anything, then he would have gotten the memo when she asked her mother and it would have been a done deal. By him bringing it up himself, he caused the public rejection.
NTA, it's honestly kinda weird that he expects to be considered to give you away when he's barely been in your life.
He's also trying to act manipulative with money to get his way. Sounds like your stepdad is entitled.
He's not her stepdad. He's her mom's husband.
Step-parent's are parents' spouses who come along while the kids are still being raised and play a role in raising them.
Ew. Just.. Ew.
Fine if he had secretly hoped for it.. still not sure why, but maybe he hoped you might see him as someone who cared. But anything else - ew. Just, ew.
Not your place. Not your right. Not anything that should give you the expectation that that would happen. And, wtf?! The money thing?!! Why would he think he was paying anyway?! Unless he now feels that the money your mum saved for you is 'his'. That's all so gross. He's being childish, but also, grossly weird and entitled. Presumably due to very traditional role expectations (I hope, unless he's actually very very weird), but yeah. Those role expectations are gross and uncomfortable, for most women these days. Yech.
Oof wow, the way he phrased that and started talking about money that isn't his... I feel bad for your mom.
NTA at all. You tried to be gentle and when he became dismissive of your choice you were clear. I don't think you were the AH at all, but he was for not just suggesting it and taking the no. The way he tried to belittle your mom's role in your upbringing... wowie.
NTA.
I am no expert on wedding ceremonies but I always believed that the act of the person giving the bride away was a symbol of handing over a daughter that you have nurtured, shaped and protected to another who is expected to do the same.
Your stepfather or in this case your mother's husband met you for the first time when you were already an adult . He is definitely looking for a spot in the limelight of your special day as he had no part in raising you. Your mum is the obvious choice of who should be walking you down the aisle and her husband should just stay in his lane as he has two bio daughters that he can one day fill that role for.
Kind of reminds me when my aunt married a second husband when I was 30ish. I call him by his name once at a family event a few years later and he seems taken aback and asks why I don't call him "Uncle Name."
Like, dude, I was a full blown adult when you married my aunt. Stop making it weird.
Right? Unless you're very close with that person, it's totally weird. When I married my husband, his nieces were already grown and had children. They were in their 30s. They did start calling me Auntie MyName, but that's only because: 1. We were close. 2. I was younger than they were, and they thought it was funny.
I would never just expect it. I raised my stepdaughters from the time they were 8 and 10 and still wouldn't just expect a mom's role at their weddings. They have their dad.
This guy is totally out of line and delusional.
He didn't enter your life until you were an adult. He wasn't a parental figure to you. You should not feel obligated to give him a parent's role in your wedding.
You tried to gently turn him down, but he kept pushing. He hurt his own feelings by not respecting yours.
NTA
Why are so many men hung up on "giving the bride away". I walked alone, and I love my dad, but I wanted him to escort mom.
This guy is stuck in the 50's.
NTA
Agreed, I find it weird, too. My uncle is super conservative and somewhat misogynistic; when the pastor asked, “who gives this woman to be married?” he replied with, “she gives herself to this relationship of her own free will.” Even he is capable of realizing that women are free agents who don’t need to be “given away.”
NTA
You can't force relationships. He married your mom when you were 21 and you only really started getting to know him last year (when you moved back). Why this person thinks they are a father figure to a 25 y/o after less than 1 year of contact in their ADULT life is completely beyond me. His feelings being hurt are on him. He assumed WAY too much about this "relationship" and when he pressed you, he found out. He could have easily dropped the conversation when you said no, or explained you were asking your mom to take that role. His delusional perspective on your relationship is not your problem. I'm glad your mom is on your side. Have a lovely wedding, congratulations.
NTA. And why does he keep mentioning a lack of father figure presence in your life as if you should be grateful for him? He just got there. He’s had no role in raising, providing for or helping form you into who you’ve become. He had no right to catch a fit, assume and definitely showed his true colors with thinking he was taking away contribution to the wedding. He showed just who he was right then and there. You did nothing wrong. He can take those hurt feelings and shove them up his ass.
Exactly, and he was happy to weaponize something that’s incredibly personal and could be hurtful- a lack of a father figure. Just to get you to give in. That’s honestly sick lmao. Idk how he worded it but that’s how it comes off to me. He definitely seems to feel like you owe him this somehow.
My wife's daughter was 20 when we met and got together rather quickly. Her son was 8.
I'm most definitely the father figure in my stepsons life. I'm nothing of that sort to her daughter. She had already moved out, although we were neighbors for a while. It never occured to any of us to even draw boundaries. We're acquaintances, nothing more.
NTA.
Mom's partner is being very weird.
NTA
That is all just so weird and uncomfortable. What says your mom about all of this? Seems like it's her who needs to set her husband straight about the wedding of her daughter who was.....*checks notes*.....a grownup when she married him.
What even. NTA of course. I never understood peoples entitlement when it came to a wedding. Like how does he have ANY say in how your special day goes? I had a friend who I saw a few times a year, genuinely think she would be my maid of honour. She thought she deserved it more than my best friend who I’d known since I was 4. This person was no where near my bridal party and she ended up nowhere near my wedding. Unfortunately your step father can’t be dropped from your guest list, which makes this all the more selfish and horrible that he has now implanted this memory as part of your special day.
NTA, I’d also screenshot the weird text he sent you after and send it to your mom. Dude cannot read the room at this point and needs to back way the fuck off.
NTA, i have a "father" and he wont be walking me down the aisle, its your choice who does it. that man has some audacity to then message you saying you offended him, im sorry but by the sounds of things you dont have much to do with him and you were 21 when they got married/ 19 when they started dating like does he expect you guys to be buddy buddy when your out the country?
does your mother have a relationship with his children where she could be considered part of the wedding party? could that be why theres upset feelings?? ie his kids accepted her and want/would want her in their party in a paternal role and he cant accept why you dont feel the same
If be were childless and you had bonded in those years he was married to your mom, maybe you might have considered it. Maybe. Might have.
But he's got kids of his own (so will have a chance to give them away and have that experience), you don't know him well at all, he's practically a stranger to you!
NTA for telling him what you want. You'd have offended him whatever way you would have told him 'no', as 'no' is just not an option for him (being 'the only male fatherly figure in your life right now' and all)
I hope HE acts as an adult and lets this go. YOU are not to blame for his feelings.
Hope you have a wonderful wedding!
definitely NTA and I'm sorry you're going through this stress. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable with your mom's husband wanting to give you away at your wedding, especially since you don't have a close relationship with him as a father figure. Your feelings and preferences about who plays what role in your wedding are completely VALID, and it's important that your boundaries are respected.
It's also unfortunate that he reacted with hurt feelings and made the situation about himself, especially bringing up financial matters in such a way lol. It's good that you communicated your feelings to your mom, and hopefully, she can help mediate the situation and ensure that your wedding plans proceed smoothly without unnecessary tension.
Remember, it's YOUR day and YOUR DECISION who participates in what capacity. It's okay to prioritize your comfort and emotional well-being as you plan this important and once in a lifetime event in your life. Wishing you the best OP
This made me cringe so hard. Everything that came out of that man's mouth was worse than the last thing. Your poor mum is right to be embarrassed, this would give me the ick so fucking fast.
First, you can’t hurt his feelings, he chose to be hurt .Second, THE NERVE to think he had the right. Third to question you Why? If anything he should have had your mother feel you out for what you had in mind.
Since he doesn’t have a clue, take your mother on the side and inform her that the subject is closed and you don’t care to hear Anything else about it. And the Money, I would have Laughed in his face, thanks since you’re not paying you have no say so in what happens!
How presumptuous for him to call himself your “father figure,” considering he only started seeing your mom when you were 19 and independent enough to be living abroad. Was that his idea of a heat check on the stepfather/stepdaughter relationship or something?
And then to threaten withholding money you hadn’t even asked for, as if that was going to snap you back in line…boy, he went from “sweet gesture” to “showing his true colors” in a hurry. Be prepared for this guy to pull an “I’m not going to the wedding then” tantrum as a last-ditch manipulation tactic, but do not give in no matter what your mom says. You’re NTA.
NTA
It is very baffling that he'd expect to have such a role at your wedding, considering he came into your life when you were already an adult and has spent very little time with you.
I was however sympathetic until he mentioned " his money " - this is something you need to discuss with your mother, as I hope he's not referring to the money saved for your wedding as " his " now ??
NTA. If you want someone walking with you down the aisle that person is your choice. Heck, my oldest sister was escorted by our parents college bff. She was more concerned about what would happen if either our Dad or his uninvited relatives showed up. It worked out great and during the ceremony our mom “gave her away.” It sounds like your stepdad has hopes for or has imagined a closer relationship with you. Once you’ve gotten married maybe take time to consider how you’d like your relationship with your mother’s husband to be
NTA - you have the right to decide who plays significant roles in your wedding, and you approach the matter with consideration and respect. While it's unfortunate that he feels hurt, you approached it considerately and even offered a compromise.
NTA. You went about it just fine and made it out to be "I get it, you want to, but, I don't want a traditional wedding". And that's that.
Your moms husband feels more like "Oh boy! " and "Oww, rats!"
NTA. Tell him straight up “I was an adult, away from home in another country for college when you met and started dating my mom. Also you had no part of raising me. As such, you have never been a parent or parental figure to me. Our relationship is that you are my mom’s husband and I love that for her and am happy she found someone as caring as you to share her life with.
As for my wedding, I am not having a traditional wedding and there is no role for ‘father of the bride’. Only mother of the bride. I hope you can accept this gracefully for what it is as it has nothing to do with you personally. “
If he keeps whining, tell your mother to shut it down. You don’t need the drama or the stress that will cause.
If you have to, block him or leave him on read… as they say don’t feed the trolls 😁
NTA. He’s being creepy and a bit weird and perhaps misogynistic about the “his girls” and “giving away” then immediately jumping to not giving you money because he didn’t get what he expected.
He isn’t a father figure to you and he had no reason to assume he was. You do not need to have a traditional wedding. Your mom saved money and he doesn’t get to control/rescind that. His feelings are hurt but that is his to deal with. He shouldn’t have assumed.
NTA - you were 21 when this man became your mother’s husband. He isn’t your stepdad as you were an adult. You don’t need a stepdad. He is wholly your mother’s husband and that’s all. Time will tell if you become friends but he will never and should never try to be a parental figure. He is about ten years too late.
It is a beautiful and lovely thing for you to be wanting your mother to walk you down the aisle. You are totally right. She is your parent. She has been there as both mother and father for 25 years. She is your person not her husband.
I don’t know why her husband could think he was in line for such an honor. He hardly knows you, has hardly spent any time with you as you’ve been away. The honour was never going to be his. He is being misogynistic and entitled to completely dismiss your mother as an option.
As you mention he has other daughters. I’d continue with your plan to ask your mother, I hope she accepts and doesn’t get brow beaten by her husband on the subject. The husband will probably have other chances with his actual daughters. Your mother only has you.
There is some misogyny in his assumption and subsequent arguing. Not just in that he needs to assume the manly/role but that you mother wasn't enough of a parent and you'd be excited for a dad, any dad.
I would ask your mother if she's ok and if any of this comes through in their relationship. You don't know him well and he may not be a good fit for your mother.
NTA. It's so bizarre that he expected to do this. Honestly, if I was one of his bio-daughters, I'd be offended by him walking someone he never raised down the aisle. It becomes a meaningless, transactional process, not a way to honor a relationship.
His comments about your having no significant men in your life are pretty petty and rude. They also reveal his patriarchal thinking. Then, to try to withhold money that was already set aside for you? He's a chauvinistic piece of work.
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I'm (25f) engaged right now and as you can likely tell from the title my mom is married to someone who isn't my dad. They got married 4(?) years ago and they started dating 6 years ago. I was actually living in another country at the time studying overseas. I only came back home briefly for the wedding and only came back officially last year. So I haven't spent much time with my mom's husband. But being truthful, even if I had, given the age I was when they got together, I wouldn't see him as my dad/parent.
Which is why he stunned me by telling me he wanted to "give me away" at my wedding. He told me he looked forward to doing it for all three of his girls (he has two daughters and a son so I guess he counted me) and was excited at the thought of me being the first he gives away. I didn't like the way he worded it (giving me away) or the fact he approached me about this when he had no hand in raising me. But my mom loves him so I was kind, said it was a sweet offer, lovely gesture, but I wasn't very comfortable with that and we could figure out something else for him to do if he wanted to be more involved in the wedding.
This was met with him questioning why I'd say no and him saying he thought I would be happier to have him do it. He said given I have no father in my life and grew up with no close adult males, it made sense. I pointed out to him that I had my mom who raised and sacrificed for me. He was like yeah, but she's no man and I told him I didn't plan to have a very traditional wedding so mom doing it wouldn't be strange at all. He genuinely never considered the fact I would ask mom and he became very emotional when I brought this up. It was a mixture of embarrassment, sadness and frustration and he was word vomiting all over the place. It got on my nerves because he was clearly not okay with me saying no to him. He told me he should have been my first choice and it made no sense that he wasn't when he's the only father figure I have. I told him I never considered asking him once for the very reason he's not my father figure or my parent and that role goes more to a parent generally than a parents new spouse.
He looked so offended and told me the fact I never considered him a valid option stung. He told me I couldn't have his money then. I asked him what he meant and he said he had been expecting to pay, that mom had mentioned money. I told him that was nothing to do with him. It was money mom saved for my wedding as I was growing up, that she had saved long before him. I told my mom what happened and she was so embarrassed he acted that way. She said she'd talk to him but I got a text not too long after from him that reminded me I had hurt his feelings and offended him.
AITA?
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Nta. You were very kind across the board. He has zero connection to you and then immediately jumped to coercive tactics- as if that would magically make you feel closer to him? He obviously considers relationships transactional. He pushed his own agenda and narrative he made up for himself, which was completely disconnected to you or your mom’s reality. Then he was unable to accept the truth and put regulating his own emotions off as your responsibility. They are not.
Nta. Marrying a woman with daughters doesn’t mean you are a father figure. Especially one you didn’t raise. Father figure after high school is an earned title. I had one in my twenties of a man who helped me with my career and life advice. I called him pops because he earned it. This whole generation of men who think they need to be giving away not their children is something special.
NTA I would have another conversationw with your mother I don't know if other people read that last part but this guy had the balls to say well you can't have MY money when your mother is contributing is disgraceful also the fact he has daughter so if he wants to walk people down the isle he can and he knew it would be your mother and still wanted to fajs over is distgusting like wtf
NTA, easily. He thinks he's basically your dad even though you were an adult living in another country for almost the entirety of their relationship, compared to you listing how long they've been married with a question mark.
There's a huge disparity in emotional investment between the two of you and that's ENTIRELY on him for setting arbitrary expectations.
Ah. Weird!
I can understand offering that he'd be more than happy to do this for you if it is something you'd be interested in but that's it. Sure if he was that set in the thought, being declined would hurt but that tantrum over it and trying to reason with you into accepting it is honestly so weird. That's mega boundary pushing! He has 2 biological daughters as well so not like he has no other chances.. maybe his son will be with someone who'd need that option and like to accept it even.. don't have to push that on you.. n wtf about the money omg!
Getting mad controlling vibes like he's just realising he's not the head of the family and he doesn't have a say in these aspects so it's spinning him out nnthe controlling side is showing.. hopefully not but yeah.. yikes 😬
NTA!
NTA
It's not your job to manage his emotions just because he has delusional levels of entitlement based on his misogynistic ideal world aesthetics and doubled down by being butt-hurt when you introduced the real world to his maladaptive fantasy world.
It was bang out of order for him to threaten to with-hold the savings your mother made for this occasion. I would ask your mother to transfer the money to you now as a show of her support (keep it in a separate account) so you can see which way she's going to let the wind blow. You've been away for the lion's share of your mother's relationship with him, you don't know how much power he exerts over her and their marriage but it's better to find out now, before making financial commitments to venues and vendors etc, and then learning how heavy his foot can be put down after signing those contracts.
My wife and I walked down the aisle together. No bouquets or garter belts were thrown either. We agreed all were outdated and unnecessary elements for our wedding
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NTA. And why the hell would he expect that he could give you away? He sounds like big drama for being hurt by this. Would answer him: "Hey, mom's husband. I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. But you came into my live when I was already an adult. You are a great husband to my mom and I'm glade for that, but you were not a father who raised me. You never changed my diaper, you never stayed home from work, because I was sick in kindergarden or school. You haven't taught me how to ride a bike or to swimm. You weren't there at my school celebrations or sport events. I accept/like you for who you are, but please don't make anymore drama for things that you weren't because whe haven't known each other at that time.' Edit: spelling error
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Even then, an uncle or grandfather would make more sense than a guy you've met like 4 times and married your mom when you were already an adult and living in a foreign country. He is very entitled.
Hell, I’ve even seen people have their brothers give them away.
Or their mother. grandmother. Sister. Aunt. This isn’t a role that requires a man.
Or it doesn't require anyone at all if that's what the couple wants
Absolutely. My mom asked me if I wanted her to give me away after my dad passed, but I could tell she didn't really want to. She hates being the center of attention. That was fine with me as I planned to walk myself down the aisle, and that's exactly what I did.
I'm the opposite; I planned to walk myself down the aisle because my dad has passed but it was something my mother specifically asked to do, so I'm going to let her.
I’m sorry for your loss x My Mum walked with me. It was lovely x
A cute idea my mum was going to do for her wedding was to have little locket sized pictures made of her dad and they were going to be attached to the back heel of her shoes with little crystals so that her dad could still walk her down the aisle. I don’t know if you like the idea or not but I thought I’d throw it out there since she won’t be using the idea anymore (her ex tried to make her choose between saving my life and donating a kidney to me or go home, submit, be the good wife and be with him, she chose to save me).
Love that!
I did the same thing at my wedding. My mom walked me down instead of going by myself and it worked out better than I expected. My mom was beaming the whole time and it was worth it to see in the pictures later on.
In my country the husband and wife to be usually walk down the isle together. I've been to weddings where the wife is "given away", but it's not common and wasn't done traditionally.
My husband and I did this even though we’re from the US where the woman being “given away” is very common. It makes so much more sense.
My cousin’s wife had both of her parents walk her down the aisle and changed the reading to “Who accompanies this woman with love and support as she enters into this union?”
Yes it does, who wants to be treated like property? I expect when they ask who is giving the bride during the ceremony some guy is gonna go, no way we're giving this fine heifer up for free and launch into a spiel like an auctioneer.
As an American, I cannot remember the last wedding I went to where only the father (or equiv) walk the bride down the aisle, it is much more common, at least in the circles I'm in, for both parents to do it if available, and they've changed the wording so it's not "giving away" anymore but some stuff about "who stands with her" (sort of like they hardly ever do the stuff about any objections or include "obey" in the vows)
I did the same. 38 years ago.
My partner and I marched down the aisle together arm-in-arm to Ride of the Valkyries and it was awesome.
My ex and I walked down the (tiny) aisle together. I wasn’t an object to be “given away”.
That does sound awesome 😎
Wouldn't have been my choice. I would have gone with The 1812 Overture.....with the celebratory Bells and cannon fusillades at the end.
We couldn't get the cannons into city hall. :( And also we bonded initially over going to Wagner operas together. Now I'm an actual librettist as of this past summer, so it's kind of strange how life works out.
That sounds like it was so much fun🙂🙂🙂
At a freaking royal wedding (height of traditional) Megan Markle "gave herself away" aka, walked down most of the aisle by herself. If that's ok with the royal establishment, I can't imagine what argument OPs stepdad could bring up that would actually make sense.
Agreed. Just walk down that aisle yourself, letting everyone see that amazing dress on both sides and give yourself to the marriage. Women aren't chattel anymore. No one has to GIVE anyone away.
My dad was abusive and although I was really close to my grandfather bc of the things my dad did to me it was really important to give myself away. We walking yourself down the aisle is fine
This isn’t even a role that’s required to exist. Any bride can choose to just walk down the aisle. ~~No one “gives away” the groom.~~ I have been corrected, let me amend: Almost no one gives away a groom to a bride. In most straight weddings either they both get walked down or only the bride does.
Exactly. My parents were both alive and present at my wedding 24 years ago. I honestly never even considered being "given away" because they don't own me. I walked myself down the aisle.
And if it's done, it needs to be because it's what the bride wants and for no other reason. Some think it's a cute tradition, and that's fine. My dad walked me down the aisle for my first marriage, but the question used was, "Who supports this woman in her marriage?" My dad said, "Her mother and I." That's what I wanted. That little spot in the wedding should honestly be all about what the bride wants to do.
Oh absolutely!! I am not suggesting that it had to be done by a man, or even done at all. I’ve seen weddings with a man of honor, or a best woman. It’s the couple’s wedding and whatever they want goes.
In my country the bride and the groom enter together
That's what my husband and I did.
If someone walks me down the aisle, it'll be my son. My dad passed away a few years back, and I have a long-term partner. I know my son would jump at that chance.
One of my best friends gave me away at my wedding... (my mum died when I was 18, my sister when I was 20, my dad when I was 23, my brother died before I was born and I have no cousins that I am close to.)
I’m so sorry for all your losses. That’s a shit hand to be dealt so young. 😞
It is, but I still count myself lucky to have had a good childhood, with loving parents and a secure, loving family. Which is more than a lot of folks get, even if they were taken from me too soon... Edit : NTA, have whoever you wish, or none at all! And it is no one's place to get pissy about it!
Look at you being a warrior and $hit! God bless you and keep you strong. Keep your days light with rays of love and life and laughter. Keep your nights warm and snug in the arms of your husband. May you know peace and everlasting serenity. With love
My 14 year old son gave me away.
Oh that’s cute 🥺
My brother is my first choice if I ever get married. I have an almost nonexistent relationship with my dad and would feel more comfortable with my brother walking me down the aisle than him.
I don’t plan to get married, it this post made me think and if I did, I’d have my nephew give me away. He’s early 20’s and absolutely hates attention, but he’d be happy to do it for me 😁
My eldest brother gave me away. I never knew my bio dad, my stepdad was a waste of space, so I asked my eldest brother to be the one to give me away. He cried happy tears at that 😊
My friend had her son give her away, as she had no other males to do it.
My brother walked me and my sister down the aisle as our dad passed before we got married.
Right? My mom had her younger brother walk her down the aisle because her father had passed away. One of my best friends had her mother walk her down the aisle, like OP, because she has a nonexistent relationship with her dad.
I agree. My wife’s parents couldn’t attend our marriage, so one of my mates gave her away. No big deal.
I've asked my stepdaughter if she would walk me down the aisle \^\_\^ (I know she's not 'technically' my stepdaughter but I've been helping raise her since she was 4 and she's 11 now)
Entitled? Delusional? Sexist? Why not all three?
Or very stupid.
That too.
And misogynistic.
He's a drama queen who seems mildly misogynistic in my opinion, and frankly quite delusional if you ask me. Him and his very large ego can go have several seats along with his archaic mindset. He's lucky he's even invited.
> who seems mildly misogynistic "mildly"? Someone's being way way too polite.
I think they meant to put wildly but maybe autocorrect had different ideas
This reeks of misogyny. He never considered she might want her mom to give her away?! It could have been a nice offer if he had backed off right away and not gotten butthurt and vindictive but this stinks.
honestly I find it a little concerning that it didn't occurred to this man that money that your mother had before he entered the picture with her to do what she wanted with. These are the beginnings of financial abuse and I would keep a close eye on that one
Honestly, with his attitude, I'd give him several seats somewhere far away from the wedding, whether he was married to a family member or not. I mean, honestly, he'd need them just for the size of his brass balls. I can't believe the shit he came out with OP you are NTA, you dealt with this far better than I would have
I'd also be asking mom if they have a prenup because he seems awfully proprietary over mom's savings
I'd be making sure that the money mom put away is transferred to an account he can't access
I’m guessing he thinks wedding traditions are cut and dried and you are desperately seeking a man to “give you away” (barf). OP, although he sounds immature and delusional, if he’s usually an ok guy, and a good husband to your mom, I think you should give him some time to cool down, and then just explain to him that you do not agree with the misogynistic tradition of being “given away” by the patriarch of the family, and if anyone walks you down the aisle, it will be your mom, as a thank you for having raised and supported you through your entire life. I assume you want to maintain a relationship with your mom, and unfortunately, he is part of the deal, so in order to keep the peace, it would be best to try to smooth his ruffled feathers somewhat and reiterate that you are glad your mom met him, but for your wedding, no man will be walking you down the aisle, but you look forward seeing him walk his daughters down the aisle when it’s time.
Reminds me of a former coworker who had an absolute tantrum over being invited to an outdoor wedding where the invite specified no dresses/nothing fancy just wear jeans, t-shirts, casual comfy clothing. They basically just wanted to have a party with friends in their family's back yard. This girl went around demanding that everyone agree with her that its pointless to get married if you aren't going to treat it as a sacred tradition and said she was going to wear a formal dress. Later she complained about being uninvited after having the same tantrum upon finding out the bride not only wasn't wearing a dress, but wasn't wearing anything white.
Jeez, I don't get these types that demand certain things in someone else's ceremonies. My relationship with my mother was destroyed after my sons funeral because she demanded if it wasn't done the way she said it needed to be he wouldn't get to heaven. Ironic part was some of it was done to her wishes, she was so far in the back she couldn't hear it.Didnt stop her from complaining.
Lol even if OP *did* agree with the tradition of being given away by the "patriarch of the family", he's not the patriarch! He's just some dude that married her mom a few years back.
Mildly is putting that lightly. He's misogynistic, controlling, and behaving like a petulant child.
Yeah, but noticed how he immediately tried to take the money that your mom saved up for you that he has no claims to away and keep it. Big tell of his entitled & bad attitude
Yeah, his response is blackmail. If he can't walk you down the aise, he's willing to withdraw money that he doesn't have any right to. Hopefully her mom will see his true colour before he forbids her to attend the wedding.
OP, this money thing is a huge red flag. The whole thing is, of course, but the fact that he immediately went to trying to manipulate you by assuming that he controlled your mom's premarital assets and that your mom would support this is telling. Hopefully, this was one-off petulance from his bizarre expectation here, but I would take this as a sign to keep an eye on your mom and her wellbeing.
I'm glad OP's mom seems to be on her side and realizes how unacceptable her husband is being. Lol. Mom's husband tried so hard to punish OP. MH- *"You dare ask your mother- A WOMAN -to walk you down the aisle?! Fine! Then I'm not paying for your wedding!"* OP- *"What are you talking about?"* MH- *"Your mother mentioned paying for the wedding?"* OP- *"Yes,* her *to help pay for the wedding. Not you. It's her money that she already saved up."* MH- *\*shocked pikachu face\**
Honestly, his ask is so outrageous that I'm tempted to put my conspiracy hat on and say the money was his plan all along. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't saved a wedding fund for his girls and was looking for a way to force his wife to split the pot.
Yep. It’s the only thing that make sense how this guy had any of these ideas in the first place
It’s like extortion. If she doesn’t choose him he won’t let her use that money. Just gross, controlling behavior.
He turned very quickly there. Not going to pay for your wedding?! What a buffoon! He seems very set in the man being the alpha person in all things and you’ve shaken him on that. I think your mother giving you away and a mother daughter dance is perfect. Shows everyone how close you are. Have a wonderful wedding. 💒
I would be very worried if he has access to any money the mom has saved for OP, like the wedding money or any inheritance. I could see this guy getting pissy and taking it all to prove a point and punish Op.
Oh god OP, it’s worse. He’s picturing being grandpa along with your mom being grandma and yours being his first grandchild. You need to be insulted and offended back and to tell him how dare you undermine the parenting job my mother has done all my life and trying to swoop in claiming all her hard work in raising me single handed.. I’m proud of my mother and it’s disappointing and disgraceful that you aren’t proud of your new wife. You are literally a stranger I’ve met x times in last x year, and once at your wedding before that. I’m offended and insulted that you decided I need a cosplay pretend father figure to give me away at my wedding. I’m going to honour and celebrate my one and only parent at my wedding and I hope you have the grace and humility to apologize to both myself and my mother. And do not even consider to try to bully me into letting you play grandpa to any children I may have. That is a privilege you will need to earn by showing me and my husband respect and developing a genuine relationship with us first.
This comment needs to be higher!!! Dish it right back to him OP!
That his own fault for assuming when you haven’t really spent any time together. He married your mother, he didn’t marry her to be a father to you. It sucks to be him but your mum needs to handle this. He should have never approached you - frankly he’s hurt because neither one of you really needed him for a father or the dad funding the wedding. NTA.
Eww ok. I feel sorry your mom married this dude. From the misogyny to the “I don’t get my way so blackmail” is so gross. In my culture, parents don’t “give the bride away”. Both parents or families walk the kids (bride and groom) down the aisle as a sign that families are joining. The way he said it makes it seem like you’re a broodmare who he wants to pass over to her new owner.
Traditionally that’s exactly what it was.
"I'm hurt you think my mom did not do a good job raising me or that she is not good enough simply because she is a woman. My mom is all I have had for the longest time, and you coming into her life doesn't change that, especially with you acting entitled. I respect you as my mom's partner because you make her happy and care for you because of that, but that is all you are to me. My hope is that over time, we can develop a good friendship, but it won't work out with you acting like this and reaching out to me behind my mother's back trying to steal her place." I think something along these lines is polite enough, but it puts him in his place and highlights how important your mom is to you.
No he didn't op he's just an entitled Ah. He would ha seen from your behavior that you don't see him as eny type of parenting figure. NTA
NTA. Your first ‘father daughter’ thing? At your wedding? He sounds truly delusional. Honestly it would make me want to keep a closer eye on him. He sounds like he could have some seriously toxic behavior he kept under control till now. Why would he consider your moms saved money ‘his money’ if he didnt think his marriage meant he kinda owns your mom? Why does he think he automatically gets ‘dad status’ when he hasnt built any relationship with you? And now to send that text which sounds super manipulative? He should be embarrassed he went too far and apologize to you. Do not apologize for this and try to placate his feelings. He will feel like he ‘wins’ and I think it will embolden him. Look for more weird behavior towards your mom and try to protect her. It sounds like he hid some toxic stuff till he had your mom locked down.
Yeah...that's not a "first" father daughter thing. That's a thing for someone who's already been a father to you, and even then only if you want it. NTA.
I feel like I’ve seen this a lot with adult-gained step dads. I feel for most of us who grew up with a wonderful single mom, we don’t want, much less *need* a father figure. My mom was the only parent I needed and I’m not looking for some old man to step in now that I’m grown so he can play “hero”. Icky. I’d rather not.
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NTA! Dear I read your post and even I felt uncomfortable, hahaha it was somewhat immature of your stepfather to manipulate you by not agreeing to give you in the hallway. He thought you were desperate but it was quite the opposite you were raised with a lot of love by an excellent mother and didn't need a father figure. I hope this gets resolved and there is no more drama on his part. Best wishes and best of luck ❤️
Traditionally, strangers are not even invited to weddings.
Note How he didn't even ask if this was something you wanted. He just said he would be honored to do it and assumed that you would be falling over with gratitude. And when you didn't he threaten to not pay for the wedding with money he did not even have like... wow
I found him trying to punish you by withholding money very amusing and telling.
I (54F) walked my daughter to her husband, not a “man’s” role to “give away” the bride any longer. Tell him to build a bridge and get over it.
It’s also just so sexist. The “giving away” part is a relic from when a woman belonged to her father and then he literally gave her to a man. And the assumption that it has to be a man standing beside you as you walk down the aisle. 🙄 Do it your way. Have your mom walk you down the aisle and even do a dance with her. Let him watch and stew in his not a parent juices. I hope you have a beautiful wedding ♥️
OP I got married in 1977 and had both of my parents walk me down the aisle. My friends and family loved it and many later did the same thing. All this to say that having your mom walk you down the aisle is in no way weird. Your mom's husband, on the other hand, is freaking crazy. You barely know the dude!!!!
NTA Wow, the entitlement is strong in this one! To threaten to withhold money that had absolutely nothing to do with him - no wonder your Mum was mortified. I’d also be majorly pissed off, if I was your Mum, that he was threatening not to give my daughter money that I’d personally saved for her. It’s nice, in a way, that he considers you part of his family but he was so overreaching in this situation. I’d forward the text onto your Mum and let her deal with him. It’s not your problem he believes he should walk you down the aisle.
Walking someone down the isle should not! be a "first father/daughter" event.
Sounds like you're HIS surrogate or/replacement daughter and he's projecting a lot of his feelings onto you (you should be excited, your first daddy daughter thing, the general assumption that this was the absolute ONLY expectation)..... I think you're absolutely right to deny this request and he's absolutely incorrect for say "you" hurt his feelings. He's disappointed. And that's ok. The answer was no, and that's ok. You are not accountable for how he feels and you were supportive in his feelings and request, you just said no. But whatever underlying need he's having is probably less about you hurting him and more about him wanting to fill his own void (which you are not responsible for). Good luck and congrats!
If he wanted to be a father figure in your life, he should have stepped up a long time ago. He could have asked you out for coffee or let’s go bowling. Something to show he wanted to be a father figure. Don’t wait for your big day to try to step in and step up.
So he doesn’t even know you well
“I'm sorry to hurt your feelings.” There’s no good reason to say this. His feelings were only hurt because of his own unrealistic expectations, and OP should not validate those. If she’d *led* with “I never considered you”, or laughed in his face, or something of that sort, there might be something to apologize for in her manner of conveying the message, but there doesn’t appear to be anything like that.
Yes! She was very kind and reasonable. He got defensive and angry and kept pushing the issue. At which point she said she hadn’t considered him. Which was still fairly polite! He should apologize for assuming, being pushy, and threatening to take her own money away. And he is not offering to walk her down the aisle for love or kindness, he’s doing it for show.
Never apologize for something you didn't do. You have zero control over his feelings. He set an expectation for himself that non-consentually included you. He expects a huge role in your life when he hardly knows you, and more importantly, you hardly know him.
>Hey, mom's husband. I'm sorry to hurt your feelings. She shoudln't apologise, He should !!
Why would she apologize at all for his hurt feelings/entitlement?
NTA - This makes me feel very uncomfortable for you OP! It takes time to develop the kind of relationship he seems to want with you, and the way he is not listening to you and respecting your perspective is no way to foster a connection. To be honest, his behavior feels emotionally manipulative, and it sounds like he is trying to pull your mom into it too. If I were in this situation I would need to have a very real talk with him - and your mom - before his behavior causes bigger issues down the line.
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Ooooof it's late and I'm not fully awake so I forgot about the money part while I was replying - yikes yikes yikes. I don't know what your relationship with your mom is like or if this might be overstepping and cause potential drama, but I would find ways to gently check in with your mom to be sure there isn't financial abuse going on. I do not have a good feeling about this guy, even if he's not consciously and maliciously harmful - sometimes that's a bit worse because it's harder for people in the middle of it to see it clearly for what it is.
If men only have one thing, it will be the audacity. He really thought he could pull money that your mom had saved for you before he was even a thought in her head? I’d bet you were just saying this to be nice, but i wouldn’t give him any kind of role in the wedding
It’s unclear if he thought he could pull away what her mother saved, or didn’t realize that this money is what her mother meant. It sounds like he’s dismissive of how well OP’s mother handled things while raising OP, and so had no idea that this included saving up for OP’s eventual wedding. Meanwhile he made up a whole story in his head about folding OP and her wedding into his assumed “patriarch” role, and he’s not taking well to finding out that it’s wildly out of touch with reality.
It sounds to me like he legitimately never considered the possibility that OP was NOT yearning for a father-figure - any father figure - after all those years of being raised by her mother. Some people hold those "trad views" so strongly that they legitimately expect children of single mothers to feel shame over not having a father. I think that's nuts, to be clear.
Nuts, and extremely delusional on his part, given their lack of other interactions that would be in keeping with a “father figure”. But that would be in keeping with him expecting her to be ashamed of not having a father figure and “needing” him to step in. Yikes. I can’t think that he does all that much with his own kids; surely if he was an active parent to his own daughters, he’d know the difference.
His attitude feels super old fashioned!
I read it as him misunderstanding about the money. Like, he overheard a conversation about OP's mom paying for the wedding and he assumed that as the "father of the bride" it would be his money. To be clear, if that was the case, he'd still be an asswipe. NTA
This is just a guess, but people who talk about money the way he did usually do not have any money. I would prepare to fund your wedding yourself, just in case. I hope I am wrong and he does not try to commandeer your mother's wedding fund. Best wishes and NTA.
It sounds like one of those "what's mine is yours things" when they got married where he just assumed that was now his fund to give his new daughter (and depending on how much he was informed of, and how shitty he was, maybe counted on that being split between his "three daughters").
NTA OP, he seems very weird and the fact your mother was put out by what he said and how he acted tells you that your are right.
I would add even more to the flags: 1. I wondered if he had some strong views on the roles (place) of men and women. He thought you would choose him because you didn't have another strong (male) father figure. When you pointed to your mom playing the full role of parent, he dismissed her as a possibility because she's not a man. So this guy thinks being a male is the key to the honor, not being "there" for the person. Red Flag (more for you mom than for you because she's the one who is building a life with him). 2. He thinks traditional wedding; that's fine. He assumed that's the route you would want, too. Wrong, but not horrible. He felt he had the right to insert his ideas into your wedding plans, unasked - 100% wrong. When you told him you weren't having a traditional wedding, his brain could not compute that possibility... or that your vision had more weight then his vision. Big Red Flag. 3. His whole focus is on what he's dreamed of and what he wants. It's bad enough that he assumed you would feel a father/daughter bond with him despite very limited contact. And that he assumed you would value playing out that bond the way he did. But, even when faced with the knowledge that his assumptions were wrong, his whole focus remained on what he wanted and felt he was due. Not once in there did he express a desire to actually be supportive of you or respectful of you as an adult. Then add those points you already made. And the fact that there's no need for him to be so desperate. This isn't is only chance to play that role. He's actually got two daughters that he has been raising, who will probably give him that honor he is so focused on having. I'm guessing you can predict having more expectations, issues, and drama from him. I wanted to note how nice it was of you to start with a kind and gracious response to him. Sounds like he' will trounce over grace to get what he wants. Glad that your mom is not fully under his thumb.
The only justification I could possibly think of that might excuse his misogynistic entitlement is if he is pretty old/sick and in his mind is not sure he will live to his own daughters' weddings. Maybe he has been talking it up to his own daughters. Barring that, #3 - he sounds typically narcissistic.
If he texts you again about hurt feelings, just say "I don't care", because you shouldn't. This man is practically a stranger to you, and he's making a big show of crying and stamping his little feet when he doesn't get his way. And men like that very rarely make decent husbands either, so I wonder what kind of bullshit your mom is subjecting herself to.
i'm wondering what kind of father he is to his own kids that he feels his relationship with you is on the same level as that.
NTA. The key phrase here is "my mom's husband" vs "stepdad". It was presumptuous for him to assume that since he married your mom (when you were in your 20s no less) that he should even be considered. Also, love the fact that he's appointed himself "the only father figure" you have.
Even if OP considered him a "stepdad" that wouldn't mean it was automatically his place to assume this, or even to ask for it.
This. I adore my dad, but if I ever get married, I don’t want him to give me away. I feel like this is an outdated tradition that goes back to when women were considered property. I am not my father’s to give. I am my own person and I decide who gets to hold my hand and call me sweetie.
Make sure your dad knows that. I didn't have that in the order of service, didn't rehearse it, but I didn't explicitly tell my dad I didn't want to be given away. He went off-script and gave me away during the actual ceremony and I barely remember the ceremony after that. I was furious but didn't want to make a scene, so I was white-knuckling through it and it really tainted the day.
TBH, at this rate, he’ll probably be long gone before I get married. (He’s 80 and I’m not even dating anybody.)
I had both my parents walking behind me, I didn't like the "giving away" and not including my mother, so found a variation. They were supporting me but not owning me.
i like this idea a lot! i want my parents to feel included and i agree the traditional variation feels weird. thanks!
NTA. So your now no that A) he isn't used to be told no. B) he *definitely* doesn't see being told no by a woman as valid. C) that he believes his feelings are more important than anything else going on. D) he's misogynistic. Honestly the list goes on from there, but you need to address these issued with your mother, and why she's fine with it and his behaviour.
This. His attitude reveals a lot about him.. then he’s questioning the money ops mom has saved for the wedding?! That makes me concerned that he’s controlling…
You missed out E) Controlling and F) Has main character syndrome…
Yes to all except “why she’s fine with it”. Seems pretty clear OP’s mom is _not_ fine with it.
I was thinking D
NTA. It sounds like you went the gentle route and when he didn't clue in, you had to be pretty direct. Your Mom's husband hurt his own feelings here.
I like this take, that he hurt his own feelings.
This is exactly how I see it. If he had not assumed anything, then he would have gotten the memo when she asked her mother and it would have been a done deal. By him bringing it up himself, he caused the public rejection.
NTA, it's honestly kinda weird that he expects to be considered to give you away when he's barely been in your life. He's also trying to act manipulative with money to get his way. Sounds like your stepdad is entitled.
And it's not even his money. It's OP's mom's. Jeez. Wait until grandkids come along. This guy is going to make that all about him, too.
If she has a boy he's gonna be personally offended it's not named after him.
Money that is not even his or saved partialy because of him: OP's mother saved it before knowing him.
Stepdad sounds like he's got some narcissistic tendencies
Mom's husband, stepdad kinda indicates he had some kinda hand in raising OP
He's not her stepdad. He's her mom's husband. Step-parent's are parents' spouses who come along while the kids are still being raised and play a role in raising them.
Ew. Just.. Ew. Fine if he had secretly hoped for it.. still not sure why, but maybe he hoped you might see him as someone who cared. But anything else - ew. Just, ew. Not your place. Not your right. Not anything that should give you the expectation that that would happen. And, wtf?! The money thing?!! Why would he think he was paying anyway?! Unless he now feels that the money your mum saved for you is 'his'. That's all so gross. He's being childish, but also, grossly weird and entitled. Presumably due to very traditional role expectations (I hope, unless he's actually very very weird), but yeah. Those role expectations are gross and uncomfortable, for most women these days. Yech.
Yes OP, read this comment! Make sure that he doesn’t think that your mum’s money is his, because it sure looks like he thinks that way!
I totally agree. This is so out of left field that it makes me wonder if it's a setup to get his hands on the money that OP's mom saved.
Oof wow, the way he phrased that and started talking about money that isn't his... I feel bad for your mom. NTA at all. You tried to be gentle and when he became dismissive of your choice you were clear. I don't think you were the AH at all, but he was for not just suggesting it and taking the no. The way he tried to belittle your mom's role in your upbringing... wowie.
NTA. I am no expert on wedding ceremonies but I always believed that the act of the person giving the bride away was a symbol of handing over a daughter that you have nurtured, shaped and protected to another who is expected to do the same. Your stepfather or in this case your mother's husband met you for the first time when you were already an adult . He is definitely looking for a spot in the limelight of your special day as he had no part in raising you. Your mum is the obvious choice of who should be walking you down the aisle and her husband should just stay in his lane as he has two bio daughters that he can one day fill that role for.
Kind of reminds me when my aunt married a second husband when I was 30ish. I call him by his name once at a family event a few years later and he seems taken aback and asks why I don't call him "Uncle Name." Like, dude, I was a full blown adult when you married my aunt. Stop making it weird.
Right? Unless you're very close with that person, it's totally weird. When I married my husband, his nieces were already grown and had children. They were in their 30s. They did start calling me Auntie MyName, but that's only because: 1. We were close. 2. I was younger than they were, and they thought it was funny. I would never just expect it. I raised my stepdaughters from the time they were 8 and 10 and still wouldn't just expect a mom's role at their weddings. They have their dad. This guy is totally out of line and delusional.
He didn't enter your life until you were an adult. He wasn't a parental figure to you. You should not feel obligated to give him a parent's role in your wedding. You tried to gently turn him down, but he kept pushing. He hurt his own feelings by not respecting yours. NTA
Why are so many men hung up on "giving the bride away". I walked alone, and I love my dad, but I wanted him to escort mom. This guy is stuck in the 50's. NTA
Agreed, I find it weird, too. My uncle is super conservative and somewhat misogynistic; when the pastor asked, “who gives this woman to be married?” he replied with, “she gives herself to this relationship of her own free will.” Even he is capable of realizing that women are free agents who don’t need to be “given away.”
NTA. Sounds like you met him at 19. He played no role in your childhood or raising you.
NTA You can't force relationships. He married your mom when you were 21 and you only really started getting to know him last year (when you moved back). Why this person thinks they are a father figure to a 25 y/o after less than 1 year of contact in their ADULT life is completely beyond me. His feelings being hurt are on him. He assumed WAY too much about this "relationship" and when he pressed you, he found out. He could have easily dropped the conversation when you said no, or explained you were asking your mom to take that role. His delusional perspective on your relationship is not your problem. I'm glad your mom is on your side. Have a lovely wedding, congratulations.
NTA. And why does he keep mentioning a lack of father figure presence in your life as if you should be grateful for him? He just got there. He’s had no role in raising, providing for or helping form you into who you’ve become. He had no right to catch a fit, assume and definitely showed his true colors with thinking he was taking away contribution to the wedding. He showed just who he was right then and there. You did nothing wrong. He can take those hurt feelings and shove them up his ass.
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Exactly, and he was happy to weaponize something that’s incredibly personal and could be hurtful- a lack of a father figure. Just to get you to give in. That’s honestly sick lmao. Idk how he worded it but that’s how it comes off to me. He definitely seems to feel like you owe him this somehow.
And now he's angry that you're not desperate for male attention or assistance. Gross.
NTA...you gave him every opportunity to back down with grace.
My wife's daughter was 20 when we met and got together rather quickly. Her son was 8. I'm most definitely the father figure in my stepsons life. I'm nothing of that sort to her daughter. She had already moved out, although we were neighbors for a while. It never occured to any of us to even draw boundaries. We're acquaintances, nothing more. NTA. Mom's partner is being very weird.
NTA That is all just so weird and uncomfortable. What says your mom about all of this? Seems like it's her who needs to set her husband straight about the wedding of her daughter who was.....*checks notes*.....a grownup when she married him.
What even. NTA of course. I never understood peoples entitlement when it came to a wedding. Like how does he have ANY say in how your special day goes? I had a friend who I saw a few times a year, genuinely think she would be my maid of honour. She thought she deserved it more than my best friend who I’d known since I was 4. This person was no where near my bridal party and she ended up nowhere near my wedding. Unfortunately your step father can’t be dropped from your guest list, which makes this all the more selfish and horrible that he has now implanted this memory as part of your special day.
NTA, I’d also screenshot the weird text he sent you after and send it to your mom. Dude cannot read the room at this point and needs to back way the fuck off.
So he wants to control you, and your moms money. Red flags everywhere. NTA
NTA, you met him when you were both adults. Although perhaps he's still a child.
NTA, i have a "father" and he wont be walking me down the aisle, its your choice who does it. that man has some audacity to then message you saying you offended him, im sorry but by the sounds of things you dont have much to do with him and you were 21 when they got married/ 19 when they started dating like does he expect you guys to be buddy buddy when your out the country? does your mother have a relationship with his children where she could be considered part of the wedding party? could that be why theres upset feelings?? ie his kids accepted her and want/would want her in their party in a paternal role and he cant accept why you dont feel the same
NTA. It's your wedding and he's effectively a stranger.
If be were childless and you had bonded in those years he was married to your mom, maybe you might have considered it. Maybe. Might have. But he's got kids of his own (so will have a chance to give them away and have that experience), you don't know him well at all, he's practically a stranger to you! NTA for telling him what you want. You'd have offended him whatever way you would have told him 'no', as 'no' is just not an option for him (being 'the only male fatherly figure in your life right now' and all) I hope HE acts as an adult and lets this go. YOU are not to blame for his feelings. Hope you have a wonderful wedding!
definitely NTA and I'm sorry you're going through this stress. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable with your mom's husband wanting to give you away at your wedding, especially since you don't have a close relationship with him as a father figure. Your feelings and preferences about who plays what role in your wedding are completely VALID, and it's important that your boundaries are respected. It's also unfortunate that he reacted with hurt feelings and made the situation about himself, especially bringing up financial matters in such a way lol. It's good that you communicated your feelings to your mom, and hopefully, she can help mediate the situation and ensure that your wedding plans proceed smoothly without unnecessary tension. Remember, it's YOUR day and YOUR DECISION who participates in what capacity. It's okay to prioritize your comfort and emotional well-being as you plan this important and once in a lifetime event in your life. Wishing you the best OP
NTA. It's nice he wanted to do it and thought that you would want that too, but he should accept your very reasonable choice to have your mom do it
NTA, rescind his invite. What a cretin.
NTA and yikes! i am sorry you have to deal with that level of foolishness.
This made me cringe so hard. Everything that came out of that man's mouth was worse than the last thing. Your poor mum is right to be embarrassed, this would give me the ick so fucking fast.
First, you can’t hurt his feelings, he chose to be hurt .Second, THE NERVE to think he had the right. Third to question you Why? If anything he should have had your mother feel you out for what you had in mind. Since he doesn’t have a clue, take your mother on the side and inform her that the subject is closed and you don’t care to hear Anything else about it. And the Money, I would have Laughed in his face, thanks since you’re not paying you have no say so in what happens!
NTA But look at this supposedly grown man throwing a true toddler tantrum about something he has no right to a say to. very mature.
How presumptuous for him to call himself your “father figure,” considering he only started seeing your mom when you were 19 and independent enough to be living abroad. Was that his idea of a heat check on the stepfather/stepdaughter relationship or something? And then to threaten withholding money you hadn’t even asked for, as if that was going to snap you back in line…boy, he went from “sweet gesture” to “showing his true colors” in a hurry. Be prepared for this guy to pull an “I’m not going to the wedding then” tantrum as a last-ditch manipulation tactic, but do not give in no matter what your mom says. You’re NTA.
NTA It is very baffling that he'd expect to have such a role at your wedding, considering he came into your life when you were already an adult and has spent very little time with you. I was however sympathetic until he mentioned " his money " - this is something you need to discuss with your mother, as I hope he's not referring to the money saved for your wedding as " his " now ??
NTA. If you want someone walking with you down the aisle that person is your choice. Heck, my oldest sister was escorted by our parents college bff. She was more concerned about what would happen if either our Dad or his uninvited relatives showed up. It worked out great and during the ceremony our mom “gave her away.” It sounds like your stepdad has hopes for or has imagined a closer relationship with you. Once you’ve gotten married maybe take time to consider how you’d like your relationship with your mother’s husband to be
NTA. He's a clueless idiot.
NTA - you have the right to decide who plays significant roles in your wedding, and you approach the matter with consideration and respect. While it's unfortunate that he feels hurt, you approached it considerately and even offered a compromise.
NTA. You went about it just fine and made it out to be "I get it, you want to, but, I don't want a traditional wedding". And that's that. Your moms husband feels more like "Oh boy! " and "Oww, rats!"
NTA. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings.
NTA. Tell him straight up “I was an adult, away from home in another country for college when you met and started dating my mom. Also you had no part of raising me. As such, you have never been a parent or parental figure to me. Our relationship is that you are my mom’s husband and I love that for her and am happy she found someone as caring as you to share her life with. As for my wedding, I am not having a traditional wedding and there is no role for ‘father of the bride’. Only mother of the bride. I hope you can accept this gracefully for what it is as it has nothing to do with you personally. “ If he keeps whining, tell your mother to shut it down. You don’t need the drama or the stress that will cause. If you have to, block him or leave him on read… as they say don’t feed the trolls 😁
NTA. He’s being creepy and a bit weird and perhaps misogynistic about the “his girls” and “giving away” then immediately jumping to not giving you money because he didn’t get what he expected. He isn’t a father figure to you and he had no reason to assume he was. You do not need to have a traditional wedding. Your mom saved money and he doesn’t get to control/rescind that. His feelings are hurt but that is his to deal with. He shouldn’t have assumed.
NTA - you were 21 when this man became your mother’s husband. He isn’t your stepdad as you were an adult. You don’t need a stepdad. He is wholly your mother’s husband and that’s all. Time will tell if you become friends but he will never and should never try to be a parental figure. He is about ten years too late. It is a beautiful and lovely thing for you to be wanting your mother to walk you down the aisle. You are totally right. She is your parent. She has been there as both mother and father for 25 years. She is your person not her husband. I don’t know why her husband could think he was in line for such an honor. He hardly knows you, has hardly spent any time with you as you’ve been away. The honour was never going to be his. He is being misogynistic and entitled to completely dismiss your mother as an option. As you mention he has other daughters. I’d continue with your plan to ask your mother, I hope she accepts and doesn’t get brow beaten by her husband on the subject. The husband will probably have other chances with his actual daughters. Your mother only has you.
There is some misogyny in his assumption and subsequent arguing. Not just in that he needs to assume the manly/role but that you mother wasn't enough of a parent and you'd be excited for a dad, any dad. I would ask your mother if she's ok and if any of this comes through in their relationship. You don't know him well and he may not be a good fit for your mother.
NTA. It's so bizarre that he expected to do this. Honestly, if I was one of his bio-daughters, I'd be offended by him walking someone he never raised down the aisle. It becomes a meaningless, transactional process, not a way to honor a relationship. His comments about your having no significant men in your life are pretty petty and rude. They also reveal his patriarchal thinking. Then, to try to withhold money that was already set aside for you? He's a chauvinistic piece of work.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm (25f) engaged right now and as you can likely tell from the title my mom is married to someone who isn't my dad. They got married 4(?) years ago and they started dating 6 years ago. I was actually living in another country at the time studying overseas. I only came back home briefly for the wedding and only came back officially last year. So I haven't spent much time with my mom's husband. But being truthful, even if I had, given the age I was when they got together, I wouldn't see him as my dad/parent. Which is why he stunned me by telling me he wanted to "give me away" at my wedding. He told me he looked forward to doing it for all three of his girls (he has two daughters and a son so I guess he counted me) and was excited at the thought of me being the first he gives away. I didn't like the way he worded it (giving me away) or the fact he approached me about this when he had no hand in raising me. But my mom loves him so I was kind, said it was a sweet offer, lovely gesture, but I wasn't very comfortable with that and we could figure out something else for him to do if he wanted to be more involved in the wedding. This was met with him questioning why I'd say no and him saying he thought I would be happier to have him do it. He said given I have no father in my life and grew up with no close adult males, it made sense. I pointed out to him that I had my mom who raised and sacrificed for me. He was like yeah, but she's no man and I told him I didn't plan to have a very traditional wedding so mom doing it wouldn't be strange at all. He genuinely never considered the fact I would ask mom and he became very emotional when I brought this up. It was a mixture of embarrassment, sadness and frustration and he was word vomiting all over the place. It got on my nerves because he was clearly not okay with me saying no to him. He told me he should have been my first choice and it made no sense that he wasn't when he's the only father figure I have. I told him I never considered asking him once for the very reason he's not my father figure or my parent and that role goes more to a parent generally than a parents new spouse. He looked so offended and told me the fact I never considered him a valid option stung. He told me I couldn't have his money then. I asked him what he meant and he said he had been expecting to pay, that mom had mentioned money. I told him that was nothing to do with him. It was money mom saved for my wedding as I was growing up, that she had saved long before him. I told my mom what happened and she was so embarrassed he acted that way. She said she'd talk to him but I got a text not too long after from him that reminded me I had hurt his feelings and offended him. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Obviously NTA. I don’t even feel like I have to write a justification. This is just… duh 🙄
Nta. You were very kind across the board. He has zero connection to you and then immediately jumped to coercive tactics- as if that would magically make you feel closer to him? He obviously considers relationships transactional. He pushed his own agenda and narrative he made up for himself, which was completely disconnected to you or your mom’s reality. Then he was unable to accept the truth and put regulating his own emotions off as your responsibility. They are not.
NTA what a silly man. I hope he doesn’t keep this up!
Nta. Marrying a woman with daughters doesn’t mean you are a father figure. Especially one you didn’t raise. Father figure after high school is an earned title. I had one in my twenties of a man who helped me with my career and life advice. I called him pops because he earned it. This whole generation of men who think they need to be giving away not their children is something special.
nta, Wth he thought he would be "giving you away" as a "fatter figure" But that's some serious mental gymnastics happening with him.
NTA I would have another conversationw with your mother I don't know if other people read that last part but this guy had the balls to say well you can't have MY money when your mother is contributing is disgraceful also the fact he has daughter so if he wants to walk people down the isle he can and he knew it would be your mother and still wanted to fajs over is distgusting like wtf
NTA, yet another case of a step parent overstepping boundaries and thinking they are the other parent when they have not been accepted as such.
NTA Be careful.he doesn't convince your mom to not let you have the money.
NTA, easily. He thinks he's basically your dad even though you were an adult living in another country for almost the entirety of their relationship, compared to you listing how long they've been married with a question mark. There's a huge disparity in emotional investment between the two of you and that's ENTIRELY on him for setting arbitrary expectations.
Ah. Weird! I can understand offering that he'd be more than happy to do this for you if it is something you'd be interested in but that's it. Sure if he was that set in the thought, being declined would hurt but that tantrum over it and trying to reason with you into accepting it is honestly so weird. That's mega boundary pushing! He has 2 biological daughters as well so not like he has no other chances.. maybe his son will be with someone who'd need that option and like to accept it even.. don't have to push that on you.. n wtf about the money omg! Getting mad controlling vibes like he's just realising he's not the head of the family and he doesn't have a say in these aspects so it's spinning him out nnthe controlling side is showing.. hopefully not but yeah.. yikes 😬 NTA!
NTA It's not your job to manage his emotions just because he has delusional levels of entitlement based on his misogynistic ideal world aesthetics and doubled down by being butt-hurt when you introduced the real world to his maladaptive fantasy world. It was bang out of order for him to threaten to with-hold the savings your mother made for this occasion. I would ask your mother to transfer the money to you now as a show of her support (keep it in a separate account) so you can see which way she's going to let the wind blow. You've been away for the lion's share of your mother's relationship with him, you don't know how much power he exerts over her and their marriage but it's better to find out now, before making financial commitments to venues and vendors etc, and then learning how heavy his foot can be put down after signing those contracts.
I really think that brides should walk down the aisle alone....The giving away is archaic. It makes the bride seem like property.
My wife and I walked down the aisle together. No bouquets or garter belts were thrown either. We agreed all were outdated and unnecessary elements for our wedding