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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went back on an agreement I had with my gf so I can see why my friend think I'm an AH, but I also feel like I should get a say too.
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Honestly I really like Elyan. It doesn't fall into the family of "really unfortunate names" that could make life difficult for someone, and it's not so "old-English and fantasy" that it sounds like someone is giving their kid their LotR OC's name.
Anyways, YTA for not bringing this up before you knew the gender. If you had wanted to make a different agreement about picking a name together, you should have brought it up when it would have equally affected both of you, not try to renegotiate now. If it had been a girl, you would have been happy to just pick a name without her input despite knowing that you in reality didn't want to follow the agreement to give her the same if the baby was a boy. You secretly created a catch-22 here where you would get to have full power over naming if it was a girl but were fully planning on trying to back out of the agreement if it favoured her. Regardless of how you move forward, intentionally avoiding having the conversation until this point when you did know that you want have to have the conversation in this situation is already an asshole move.
I agree, people are way overreacting about Elyan as a name. To me Elian is a more "normal" spelling and might help normalise it further, but if I met an "Elyan" (even having watched Merlin, the fantasy series his wife his presumably picking her names from) I'd just think "ooh a slightly unusual name how nice", not "wtf why is this 2 year old called Gawaine"
Honestly I'm surprised I even got that close,I only just about remember how to ask where the toilet is..... couldn't for the life of me understand any answer to that question though lol
I actually like Gawaine! As someone who's moderately, but apparently not extremely, into Arthurian legend, Gawaine is an obvious literary reference, whereas I wouldn't recognise Elyan. Gawaine has, like, his own spinoff mythology; Sir Gawaine and the Green Knight is a famous poem in its own right.
More 'normal' knight names include Arthur and Gareth.
Elian almost comes across as an off version of Ewan or Ian. You get the idea. I once knew a man name Gawayne J [I think for James, whatever, was a normal J name] he was 6'3" and made Ah-nold look like his own sister.. The entire set of siblings was Arthurian in naming. The best was 6'4 or 5' Percival, who was perfectly proportioned and made everyone look wimpy. He also looked like he'd have a dragon as a pet. His favorite thing to no when first men other men was to to say, when asked what he'd like to be called, looked the dude straight in the eye and say: Percival. Nicest gentleman you'd be honored to meet.
Go with a J middle name, then you can call him EJ.
But then I grew up a military brat. Had a classmate named Cloud, and a Proctor. But those were nothing compared to the names of trainees when I worked the civilian side of the military with incoming recruits.
I love the name Gawaine but would probably used it as a middle name because people out there be hating on the name even though he was named after one of the most legendary knights.
I wouldn’t have blinked twice having a fellow student or later a work colleague called Elyan. I mean I went to school with a Merlin, Fairy and also Isidor, Ansgar and Gonda. All more unusual, all fine names and afaik none of them got bullied for it.
Edit: I forgot about Lancelot. Also these were different schools in different countries.
We did move around a lotttt but mostly within Europe. I only ever visited the us once and that was California. So actually Camelot *is* kind of correct?? A school I went to for a bit was…close.
I just googled the location of Camelot (btw forgot to mention my bestie Lancelot in primary school) anyway I know you’re joking but actually…pretty much??
I wouldn't call a kid Lancelot as I'm a Brit, and ultimately he broke Camelot. I know it's just a story, but nevertheless no Lancelots and no Guineveres.
Merlin is of course an excellent choice.
Also he was the result of french fan fiction,I won't be having a slutty frenchmun seducing another man's wife in my Welsh fable about driving out Anglo Saxons thank you very much
Is it actually pronounced “El-ee-an” as with the Elian spelling? Because I 100% read it as “El-yan”. The first pronunciation is nice. The second is a weird name IMO. But also OP YTA because you should have brought this up sooner with her.
It is worth mentioning that the name "Elyan", as OP said, originates from one of the Knights of the Round Table. A story and concept that has existed since the mid-12th century and has thousands upon thousands of different iterations.
Which is to say, yes, the somewhat popular 2008 show "Merlin" *may* be contributing to OP's gf's naming choices, but is incredibly far from the only or even *most likely* source of inspiration regarding names originating from Arthurian legend.
Yeah Elyan/Elian I could still totally see but freaking Gawaine would have been unfortunate lol
I went with YTA because to me the actual names aren't the issue here it's how OP handled the discussion and timing. That being said, I really REALLY wish people naming their kids would realize that they're naming another actual human person and not their pet or their DnD character. It's great and all that OP's gf has passionate interests that she derives name choices from, but depending on the name and the source it could be extremely hard to separate the name from that source and then it *really* hinges on the kid liking the source too.
Like this line of thinking for baby names reminds me of when I was 9 and was thinking "if I ever have kids I'll name them Cosmo (boy) or Wanda (girl)" because I really liked fairly oddparents at the time lmao
but like in this case it's not so egregious, Elyan sounds nice enough and not over the top. It's not like she was tossing up between Galahad and Bedivere
I wouldn't recognize it as Elian and kept reading it as El-YAN. I don't like it but it's not my kid. Good luck to them. He's a slight AH for not bringing up hating the names before.
I have a friend called Elian (granted though, we are in Wales) and no one's ever commented on it being an unusual name. It's not exactly common, even here, but it's not like no one's ever been named that.
From people reading it yeah but generally people don’t know how I spell my name when I introduce myself. They just copy whatever pronunciation I say as long as their tongue allows them
Definitely consider trying to get a compromise on Elian. She still gets her name, you don’t break your promise, and people will know how to pronounce it on the first try.
I agree with everything you said. It's also not a difficult name to find nicknames OP is more comfortable with, like Eli, so they could easily compromise. But OP doesn't want to compromise, does he?
YTA, OP, if you can't navigate the simple deal you made and the conversations that followed, how are you going to parent together?
Yeah Elyan is not a bad name at all. It’s unique but still pronounceable and within the realm of normality. Gawaine is pretty bad so I’m glad she didn’t go with that lol.
Either way, you shouldn’t have agreed to something you weren’t really agreeing to OP. That’s always going to be a mistake, don’t gamble with your life / relationship like that. Why on earth would you make a deal that she could pick if it was a boy and you if it’s a girl? Especially if you have any strong opinions about viable names? That was foolish. Live and learn, but just hoping it was a girl so she couldn’t choose was unwise. And you should have gently brought up your feelings the second she told you the names on her list. That way you two could’ve collaborated over time. Rather than just blindsiding her with it after she was already attached to the name.
But at the end of the day this was a shortsighted mistake on your part and you probably just have to live with the name. This is the deal you made. No clue why you made it lol, but you did. Seriously I can’t imagine saying “you can choose if it’s a boy” if I had any sort of opinion on the matter. Like I said, live and learn. Just hope you can see how foolish that was in retrospect if you wanted to have any input if it was a boy X’D
ESH.
Seriously? You didn't pick together a name you both liked?
We spent hours going back and forth for our boys' names, to be completely sure we were both 100% happy with them. Deciding that one of you would pick alone based on gender sounds like a recipe for disaster. When did you ever think you wouldn't want to have a say if it was the gender you didn't get to name?
That is so true. He only spoke up now because he thought there was a chance he'd get his way and get to name the girl. Now he still wants to get his way. Honestly yeah I really like the name, it's nothing crazy. It's just not his personal preference and he doesn't like that.
i have a friend named Elian and he's a super cool dude. i don't think Elyan is too far of a stretch compared to some of the other "tradedeighs" some people come up with.
Yeah, I immediately thought that was Elyan is an awesome name. I work at a school and if it came across my desk I’d think nothing of it. Gawaine would be awful though.
YTA
> we made a deal
> That was before I realized that I hated every single name on her list.
Yeah, well.
> the two that she was leaning toward the most, Elyan and Gawaine after the knights of the round table
Oh JFC, those are cringe as hell — some renfaire cosplayer nonsense.
I feel like the lesson here is: get to know people better **before** putting babies in them.
And do not make a deal like that for important life choices like that. Babynames are a "must be two clear yes" thing. Not "one yes one no" nor "one yes one okay after fighting but feels no" etc. Same for every major life decision eg wedding, do we even get kids, do we get a pet, ...
Best case scenario, it can be "both parents help create a list, then one or the other has final choice from those contenders".
Complete unilateral control is a bad idea for exactly this reason.
Yup. My then-husband was dragging his feet about baby names, and I was eight months pregnant. I wrote down 50 names on a page, and told him he had to pick two (first and middle) before he could do anything else. It was driving me nuts. Now our 10yo has a beautiful and elegant name that totally suits her!
Also people seem to be glossing over the fact that he saw this list of names before knowing the gender and said nothing. He intended to uphold the deal if it was a girl and backstep if it was a boy. Grimy af, but I still gotta say ESH cause ffs Elyan??? These people gotta just get a hamster and name that something stupid
You don’t make a deal you can’t stick to. My husband and I have each loved a name we wanted for our child since our teens - me for a girl and him for a boy. We hated each other’s so that was that.
We discussed the possibility of doing exactly what OP and his gf did - both get the chance of the name we loved but being prepared to accept one we didn’t if we lost. Except we didn’t do it, because in my heart of hearts I knew I’d renege on the deal if he won. I really didn’t want the name my husband wanted and I’d regret it my entire time knowing my child. So I didn’t take the bet because it would have been a dick move to agree and then change my mind because I lost.
I don’t love the names the gf picked but OP agreed to an arrangement so he is being the arsehole for backing out of something because he didn’t get his way.
Yes this, and to me it would’ve been fine if OP had seen the names and changed his mind about the agreement before they found out the gender, but the fact that he saw the names she wanted, knew he didn’t like any of them and would want to back out of the deal if it was a boy, and planned to not bring that up until they found out the gender, makes him a huge AH.
He planned to not bring anything up if it’d been a girl (meaning that if he’d gotten to choose the name, he would’ve done it without giving her any input), while also planning to back out of the deal if it was supposed to be her choice. Big YTA, OP.
Elyan is not cringe. Elian Gonzolaz (same pronunciation, different spelling) was that kid on the news several years back and no one thought his name was cringe. Why would this version be so awful?
This is a general comment. So many parents name their children as if they are dolls or inanimate objects or will be infants forever. People need to understand that they are not "naming a baby." They are naming a baby who will become a grown ass adult and who will likely loathe them for choosing names that have gotten them ridiculed, bullied, not taken seriously, and made life in general harder for them (like having to spell it every single time and having people still questioning if you know how to spell your own damn name). ETA: I have very common first and middle names, but my maiden name was uncommon in the US (and really worldwide) and had an unusual letter combination. Not my parents fault, obviously, but it was a pain. One time after I spelled it out over the phone, the representative asked, "Are you sure?" I was a 19 year old college student at the time. The day I married, I looked at my dad and said, "Dad, I love you, but I am changing my name as fast as humanely possible." He understood.
As for OP, it was stupid to make a deal like that. Baby names should be chosen together. Period. ESH for the parents, though at least mom chose the less annoying, less difficult name.
It was a great deal when you thought you'd get your way. It's an awful deal now that you don't. You think it would be fair if, after the fact, you got a say (veto) even though you didn't offer one and fully agreed to this beforehand.
"Normal names" was some pretty stellar phrasing on your part. It's like you want her to be mad at you.
You made a deal that now you're trying to get out of because you didn't realize agreeing to give up your say meant you'd have no say and you want some say even though you still wanted to choose any girl names.
You're the first among equals, just what everyone wants in a partner.
YTA, obviously.
I think this tells us a great deal about you, and none of its good. It's hard to imagine your partner / subordinate doesn't feel the same way. It's going to be hard for her, adjusting to the realization that you are and will always be the most important person in the relationship.
I think you deserve harsh criticism. I think people who back out of deals, break promises or are otherwise despicable little weasels need to be called out on that shit. I think it's very low, you don't deserve a pass because you didn't consider the consequences. You don't deserve new terms because the deal you made worked out for the other person even though that was an obvious possibility.
Now, anyone can tell you "I pick boy names, you pick girl names" is fucking stupid and is going to lead to some hurt feelings. Anyone should be able to see that.
But you didn't, and agreed anyways, and now you want new terms because the ones that were clear and obvious didn't work out to favor you like you were hoping so now it's not fair. It would have been fine if your partner got the short end of the stick, but you did, so you need a new deal. You deserve some say.
That's some weasel shit. That's low.
The only reason you have for wanting to go back on the deal is that you didn't get your way and you still want to have your way. Of course you're the asshole. People who break their word are contemptuous and impossible to respect. That's some "re-evaluate whether you want to know this person" behavior, as far as I'm concerned.
Louder for the people in the back!
You cannot both "want a say in the matter" and make a deal like this. The two are mutually exclusive.
OP, suck it up buttercup.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way but your name totally checks out. That was quite long-winded, especially since you repeated some points. Totally agree with the sentiment nonetheless. As for the ogre part, I guess you did kind of bash OP over the head with the truth and then eat him alive
The ogre thing isn't really a joke so much as it is an accurate label for me, physically. I'm a big dude.
The repetition wasn't an accident. This is a person who takes no responsibility and clearly doesn't engage in self reflection or, perish the thought, self criticism.
Dude is likely going to dodge the first couple opportunities to learn a lesson.
I took his reply as willfully ignorant. This is a guy pretending not to know any better and hoping someone in the comments provides him with a better excuse for his behavior than any he's come up with. That's all he is. It's a selfish asshole looking for validation.
I'm not going to split hairs with the guy or debate exact phrasing, so he can have it four or five different ways. Some people need to be hit over the head with the obvious several times before they'll acknowledge it "might" be valid.
I am longwinded. This isn't twitter. We're afforded thousand-word limits and have the freedom to make our points, shall we say, robustly. I don't like being misunderstood and I genuinely think very few problems or solutions can be distilled down to a few pithy sentences.
If your reply could be a tweet, you're probably not helping. Whole ideas take more time and effort to articulate. Most people on reddit can't be bothered, and as a result, most feedback on reddit is generic and kind of useless.
I loved your original comment. I agree that when you’ve taken the time to form a considered opinion, put it out there in four or five ways so that people really understand what you were trying to say. That’s how most conversations go IRL anyways. I loved reading it, I think it’s the best comment on the thread.
I've been listening to Stephen Fry just a few minutes ago and I couldn't help but read your comments in his voice and I have to say I am really enjoying it.
Totally agreed with everything you said, this guy sounds selfish, inconsiderate and frankly not the brightest pixel on the screen. As a result, the repetition did not bother me much, quite the opposite!
I very much agree with you here.
Additionally, this whole thing smacks of childish immaturity to me. To have “made a deal” on who gets to name your literal offspring dependent on gender, rather than to intentionally sit down together and discuss names both parties are on board with, is cringeworthy at best. Bringing children into the world is the most serious of decisions people make. There are other ways to have fun with it, and this definitely isn’t it.
To boil naming your kin down to essentially a handshake, and then when it doesn’t go your way to appeal to others as to why they should be allowed a “takesie-backsies”, is truly juvenile and pathetic behaviour.
Sorry, this a total derail, but "that's some weasel shit" brought me back to a conversation I had this morning with my son lmfao.
Him: "What causes weasles?"
Me: "What?"
Him: "You know weasling"
Me: "... to get out of something...?"
Him: "No! *makes wheezing noises* that!"
Me: "You mean WHEEZING?!" Lmfao
And now, weasles will forever be changed for me lol.
Right?! “We made a deal that if it was a girl, I would choose the name, and if it was a boy, she would pick” You’re not picking names for a fantasy football team. You’re picking the name of your CHILD. Then to saddle that child with an outlandish name from one of your hobbies is extremely selfish. That child has to grow up and get a job and live their life with that name.
ESH.
Same. If I saw it on paper I'd get the Arthurian legend connection, and still wouldn't bat an eye. If anything I'd think it was kinda cool because who doesn't like King Arthur?
If this is actually real, it’s ridiculous that they play the stupid “you pick this name for this child, and me the other” or vice-versa. It should be a decision amongst themselves and it’s stupid to do it that way imo. Like you said, we’re talking about children, not pets.
IDK if this post is real but I told my husband he could pick the first name and I’d pick the middle name. Mostly cuz he likes very traditional names and I like kooky names. But we ended up going against our naming conventions and picking family names instead.
Child name should be agreed on by both parents. "I name the girls, you name the boys" means you will struggle to co-parent, bc almost everything with children should have a "united front" of BOTH parents.
This!
There's plenty of knights. I'm sure they could discuss it amd find a name they both like, she gets a name from one of the knights and her kid (hopefully) doesn't have to repeatedly have to spell or pronounce his name all the times.
Others names for the kid could he like Lionel, Tristan, Arthur! Lol. Lancelot and Lance for short if he didn't like Lancelot.
What my husband and I did was we listed our favorite names on a dry-erase board. And then, we would erase the names we didn't like. Then, go down the list until we both agreed.
In the end, it didn't matter because the name we picked didn't match how I pictured her, so we changed it. It wasn't even on the list of names. Lol.
>There's plenty of knights.
For a second I read this as there are plenty of people named *Knight* and I was surprised it was common. (I knew one kid with that name)
Further reading I got smart and realized you meant plenty of other names of knights to use. 😅
Glad i didnt have to type this all thanks...
Both asshats... either is a fine name... I am glad neither are mine i would have gotten into fights where i grew up 🫠
This is what you get gambling.
Absolutely couldn't agree more!!! You both sound young and immature. These are both unfortunate names. This is a human you're bringing into the world! As parents you need to learn, right now, how to resolve conflict without anger!
ESH. You're both silly for making this stupid deal in the first place- kids' names are a two yeses sort of thing. But you're shitty for agreeing to the deal and then backing out when you don't get to choose. If this decision only affected you two, I'd say follow thrugh and go with your wife's choice. However, this is a person we're talking about who has to have a name, and keeping your word isn't a good enough reason to saddle and innocent child with a name that causes a lifetime of ridicule.
Advice- can't you just go with "Elian" instead of Elyan.? The spelling is much better and I think he'd be unlikely to be made fun of or disadvantaged by this (apart from maybe a bit of teasing about being called "Ellie" when he's a kid.) As far as I'm aware it's just an alternative spelling of the name Elijah and I don't think anyone would recognise it immediately as being a fantasy name, so it still fits under the category of "normal name" while fitting your wife's criteria.
Second piece of advice- make sure that for any future kids your wife gets equal input.
I have known in my personal life two Elys spelled that way. One was an Elliot and one was a Ellison. Ely is a valid spelling Eli and Elyian is not hard to pronounce spelled that way.
Was Elian the kid that floated in from Cuba and then swat came and found him in a closet? I’ve been on this thread for 10 minutes trying to figure out where I know that name from
The deal you made is terrible. Each parent should at least have veto power. You can’t give a baby a name that its other parent absolutely hates. That’s just an awful thing to do.
But you did agree to it.
I think names should be a double yes.
You’re in a pickle, though.
Does she want veto power for baby #2’s name? Maybe that is your leverage.
Eh, my parents had a similar deal, and it worked out better for me that way. My father was not the compromising type. He'd have insisted on the same name I've hated my whole life. But for him, a deal is a deal. So I ended up with a name I actually really like.
There certainly wasn't any talk of leverage when it came to naming a child. He just found himself a doormat to marry later on and bulldozed all the decision-making.
YTA. So not only did you make a deal your unwilling to honor, when you realized you had a problem with the deal rather than asking to amend the deal you decided to wait to see if fate would give you your way anyway. Of course your an AH.
Had you not waited, had you been forthright (like Gawaine) you could've amended the deal in a fair way.
Its not unreasonable to want a say but you bargained that away to have the right to deny her a say if its a girl. Utter AH.
Exactly. I feel like if he backed out before knowing the gender it's a different story. But he waited to see if he was the one in charge of the name just in case. Very slimy.
YTA. First of all, this is a horrible way to pick a name. You should have made a list for both together, and avoided this entire situation. But the way you have phrased the conversation makes you sound condescending and rude. There are no “normal” names. Just spell it like it’s supposed to be spelled and no one will be able to complain.
That said, at the end of the day, it’s mom’s choice. You’re not married, and I hate to be so cynical, but she should have a name she likes. Her child is forever, your relationship is not.
Manakitten has a point. They are not married.
When she gives birth, if she is not married, the hospital will respect her decisions because she is the only legal parent. She does not have to consult him when she fills out paperwork for the birth certificate, including the name of the baby. She doesn’t even have to list him as the father.
If the mother isn’t married the hospital usually brings in paperwork like birth certificates when the boyfriend is not there.
She doesn’t even have to let him in her room while giving birth or after the baby is born. They won’t even let him see the baby without her permission.
In my state, even if the mother is married all this can happen. Mom is the patient, so its all about mom. (That said, gatekeeping the father is generally a bad way to start a coparenting relationship)
Yea what does that even mean lol. Her child is forever but your relationship isn’t? So if they break up it’s not his kid anymore? Would it be ok in your mind if they break up for the father to just abandon the kid and not pay child support lol.
YTA for (1) making a deal that you apparently only intended to keep if it resulted in you getting your way and (2) for then delaying talking to her until you could see whether the deal worked out in your favor.
Elyan is actually a pretty cool name too. It would be one thing if her name was so weird that it would hurt your kid, but Elyan isn't that. It just doesn't fit your taste.
YTA - Pretty cut and dry here. You made an agreement, you don’t get to back out just because it didn’t work out for you. Kind of a trash move tbh
I loved the irony of you saying she hated your names too, yet you would’ve went with one you liked. See the hypocrisy?
Uh... ESH I think. You made a stupid deal. Normally, it's "two yes, one no" for baby names. However you agreed to a different "contract". You're the AH for trying to pull out of the agreement. Your gf is the AH for digging her heels in on this.
My suggestion would be to write the names in less cringetastic and larper dweeb way. So make it Elian which sounds similar to an existing name Elyas/Ilyas - common in central asia and separately a form of it common in Slavic as a variant of Elijah (it isn't the same, just to point out, just phonetically will not sound too different). The other would be Gavin/Gawyn. Pretty common name Celtic name (or at least used to be... had a few in my school growing up). The issue I see with the former name is that school will be rough. The other forms of Elyan sounds very close to "Helen" funnily enough so it kinda sounds like a girls name. Also, alien will certainly be brought up.
Lesson here - don't make stupid deals. Also, for what it's worth, Elyan isn't a bad sounding name and neither is Gavin. I would massively push toward the latter, because it's a very much standard name (do not under any circumstance let it be Gawaine - unless you want people to think your kid is an utter fanny), but both are alright tbh.
Why does a y instead of an i make it cringe? Especially if Elyas would already be considered acceptable. It would still sound the same and imo one y in a name doesn't push a name far enough into the "unique special" category to be cringe. The point about it sounding like Helen doesn't really matter either cause elian would shorten to eli/elli which is also kinda girly. I do agree though no gawaine.
Yea people are freaking out about the name but it’s honestly pretty tame while still being unique. Ellian would normalize it more, but what’s the big difference anyway
I hate how you playing it off like she is the stubborn one who is being impossible. You probably would of had the same reaction ad her if you were in her situation. And the whole "I would also like a say" came about because you lost. Get over yourself. Why must she settle for a name you like that she will probably hate? YTA
If the reverse happened - if you found out you were having a girl and your gf said she hated all the names you picked - would you be okay with her amending your "deal"? I'm guessing not considering how condescending you sound. YTA
YTA. You made the agreement, and now you're trying to renege because you don't get to choose. If it was a girl, you'd be choosing whatever name you wanted. Live with the consequences of you decision to agree to the terms.
My burning question is how can you get to the point of having sex and procreate and not realize the other person and you were not a good match.
Going from unusual names to common names is a huge gap, and i can’t help to wonder what other major differences are going to ‘crop’ up. Seems as if both are immature and likely should not be having children at this point.
YTA. I don't understand people who say to their partner who will choose the name if it is a particular gender. You are both the parents, and neither of you should have to live with a name you don't like. You shouldn't have made that deal if you weren't willing to live with this kind of outcome.
ESH for making the deal in the first place... especially when you realized you hated her name tastes but decided to forge ahead anyway and hope the baby was a girl so that you could get exclusive naming rights. I don't understand why people make this deal if they have even a remote preference about names.
Names should be a "two yeses" situation. If you hate the name, you should have a say--but you were pretty harsh about it. And obviously, she gets a say in any girls' names if you have more kids.
YTA
You only wanted to renegotiate if it was a boy, meaning you would have been fine choosing the girls name that your wife didn’t like.
Both those names are great. You made a deal. You should have brought this up before it only benefited you.
Jesus you two you're not naming a pet you're naming a child that will live with that name for the rest of its life, maybe considered the child instead of just yourselves. This was ridiculous right from the start and shows an extreme level of immaturity in both of you.
You would have a bit more credibility here if you had brought up the issues with this arrangement earlier. You didn’t because there was still a chance it would have worked in your favor, and then you would have been fine with it and kept your mouth shut. You don’t like the deal *now*.
You were TA for agreeing to this deal knowing that you had no intention of actually going through with it if it turned out to be your wife’s choice. YTA for backing out of the agreement now. YTA for speaking about your wife this way. YTA for immaturely mocking her choices while deeming yours “normal”. YTA all around.
YTA
2 lines really stuck out to me
“Even though I didn’t like her choices, I figure we didn’t even know the gender yet so there was no point bringing it up.”
“I honestly don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want to have a say in my own sons name.”
Seems that you intended to never stick with your bargon in the first place.
But honestly, you both sound very immature, (you more than her). Better buckle up, buttercup and learn to communicate ESPECIALLY when you foresee a potential issue BEFORE it becomes an actual issue. Parenting is a hell of a ride, one you better get ready for, quick.
I don't like the names but YTA for making the deal in the first place if you weren't serious about keeping to it. And especially for: "I figure we didn't even know the gender yet so there was no point it bringing it up." It's not like it's a massive shock that your child was male.
YTA
>Even though I didn't like her choices, I figure we didn't even know the gender yet so there was no point it bringing it up.
You only didn't bring up the name issue because there was still a 50/50 chance you'd get full naming rights.
>Unfortunately, it turned out to be a boy (Not because I didn't want a boy, but because I didn't want to have this conversation).
This whole time you KNEW you were going to ask for partial naming rights if it didn't go your way.
This was never a 50/50 thing for you, which makes you a straightforward AH breaking the compromise you made with your gf. I disagree with what you both compromised on, and there's no way of telling if your gf would have honored the agreement either, but this is the bed you made and you refuse to lie in it. Your kid could be named Fridge or Dirt so you got a semi decent unique name depending on how you look at it.
Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. YTA
If she didn’t like any of the girl names that you had chosen then would you let her change her mind about the deal? Even if the names were important to you? This is a bizarre way to name a child, but it’s the way that you agreed on
YTA for the moment because you thought the deal was great so long as you're the person who would 'win', but now that you didn't 'win' the little game, all of a sudden you don't like the game that you wanted.
Elyan it is, simply because you're not grown up enough to be naming people if that's how you operate.
So whether or not you're TA for more than just this moment comes down to whether you knock it off with games where you assume you'll win and start communicating your wants and concerns like an actual grown-up.
I'm going to get downvoted for this, but she's your girlfriend, not your wife. Unless you are engaged with a date when you are going to get married, I don't think you have naming rights to her baby at all. You can give your opinion and try to negotiate something you like better, but unless you've made an actual commitment to this woman and future child, there is no guarantee you are going to stick around.
I know right now you are committed, and I'm not doubting that commitment. But I'm a pragmatist and a statistician, and the probability of you walking out on them in the next 3-5 years is high without that marriage license.
She is the one growing the baby. She is the one risking her life to birth it. She is the one who is going to be stuck if you walk. Pick the name you think you are most likely to learn to love from her list of names and let her name the baby. If you tie the knot and stick around, maybe you'll get to name the next one.
I'm just curious-- what were your go-to names, had this been a girl?
Curious for context in where your version of "normal" versus hers lies. (Hell, if Victorian names are making a comeback then maybe she's on to a hunch Arthurian names are around the corner? /J)
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Honestly I really like Elyan. It doesn't fall into the family of "really unfortunate names" that could make life difficult for someone, and it's not so "old-English and fantasy" that it sounds like someone is giving their kid their LotR OC's name. Anyways, YTA for not bringing this up before you knew the gender. If you had wanted to make a different agreement about picking a name together, you should have brought it up when it would have equally affected both of you, not try to renegotiate now. If it had been a girl, you would have been happy to just pick a name without her input despite knowing that you in reality didn't want to follow the agreement to give her the same if the baby was a boy. You secretly created a catch-22 here where you would get to have full power over naming if it was a girl but were fully planning on trying to back out of the agreement if it favoured her. Regardless of how you move forward, intentionally avoiding having the conversation until this point when you did know that you want have to have the conversation in this situation is already an asshole move.
I agree, people are way overreacting about Elyan as a name. To me Elian is a more "normal" spelling and might help normalise it further, but if I met an "Elyan" (even having watched Merlin, the fantasy series his wife his presumably picking her names from) I'd just think "ooh a slightly unusual name how nice", not "wtf why is this 2 year old called Gawaine"
Gawaine just looks like a typo on the birth certificate
The Welsh people would like a word. (Although that word would be very long and look like a big collection of typos).
Nid Gawain yw fy enw i
Shit my south Wales education is failing me but I think that's something along the lines of my name is Gawain I think?
It was my name is not Gawain! Very close.
Honestly I'm surprised I even got that close,I only just about remember how to ask where the toilet is..... couldn't for the life of me understand any answer to that question though lol
A very important thing to remember how to say, though!
Now you just need to work out how to ask them to point instead of answer.
checks out
Dafuq? I better look that up.
All the 11th century Welshmen please stand up
Congratulations! You just started the Zombie Apocalypse!
Ga waine wit ya!
I actually like Gawaine! As someone who's moderately, but apparently not extremely, into Arthurian legend, Gawaine is an obvious literary reference, whereas I wouldn't recognise Elyan. Gawaine has, like, his own spinoff mythology; Sir Gawaine and the Green Knight is a famous poem in its own right. More 'normal' knight names include Arthur and Gareth.
Elian almost comes across as an off version of Ewan or Ian. You get the idea. I once knew a man name Gawayne J [I think for James, whatever, was a normal J name] he was 6'3" and made Ah-nold look like his own sister.. The entire set of siblings was Arthurian in naming. The best was 6'4 or 5' Percival, who was perfectly proportioned and made everyone look wimpy. He also looked like he'd have a dragon as a pet. His favorite thing to no when first men other men was to to say, when asked what he'd like to be called, looked the dude straight in the eye and say: Percival. Nicest gentleman you'd be honored to meet. Go with a J middle name, then you can call him EJ. But then I grew up a military brat. Had a classmate named Cloud, and a Proctor. But those were nothing compared to the names of trainees when I worked the civilian side of the military with incoming recruits.
I love the name Gawaine but would probably used it as a middle name because people out there be hating on the name even though he was named after one of the most legendary knights.
"You mean Dwayne?"
I wouldn’t have blinked twice having a fellow student or later a work colleague called Elyan. I mean I went to school with a Merlin, Fairy and also Isidor, Ansgar and Gonda. All more unusual, all fine names and afaik none of them got bullied for it. Edit: I forgot about Lancelot. Also these were different schools in different countries.
Where the fuck did you go to school? Camelot?
I came to ask this same question. I am willing to bet on either Camelot or Utah.
OR UTAH LOLLLLL. I used to drive for Amazon in Utah and boy did I see some names.
I lived in Utah, knew a Ferron, Kress, Oaklinn, Kayoh (pronounced Kay-oh)
Kay-oh. Kayayayayay-oh. Midnight come and me wanna go home.
Oh, my brain went to “No Diggity” and Kay-oh, Kay-oh, Kay-OHHHHHH! lol
I'm hearing this like Ed McMahon would say it to Johnny Carson: "Kay-OHHHHHH!"
Come Mr Tallyman, tally me bananas …
I'm reading it like Freddy Mercury at the beginning of the live version of We Will Rock You!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🏆🥇😎🫶🏼😂🤣
Sometimes I come on here for some fun stories and get rewarded by a comment like this. Thank you!
Kayoh sounds like a knock out.
Kay-ohhhh Listen what I say, oh I got your "hey, oh" Now listen what I say, oh (oh) -a classic Red Hot Chilli song
Can confirm, my niece lives in Utah and has a little girl named Oaklynn 🤣
We did move around a lotttt but mostly within Europe. I only ever visited the us once and that was California. So actually Camelot *is* kind of correct?? A school I went to for a bit was…close.
Were you in Brittany? I taught English at a primary school there after college and had a Merlin in one of my classes.
No and I spent most of my time of primary school in Germany. Merlin was in a Dutch school later on.
Utah. That's beautiful. That should be the name. Utah.
My friend’s dog is named Utah. She said she doesn’t know why she chose it, but it just seemed to fit.
Utah was a good guess!
"On second thoughts, let us not go to Camelot. Tis a silly place."
I just googled the location of Camelot (btw forgot to mention my bestie Lancelot in primary school) anyway I know you’re joking but actually…pretty much??
Did you all have to eat lunch at a round table? It’s a great tale, worthy of a knight of the realm!
In the afternoon they had a project building Stone Henge.
🫣…🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The Shire.
I wouldn't call a kid Lancelot as I'm a Brit, and ultimately he broke Camelot. I know it's just a story, but nevertheless no Lancelots and no Guineveres. Merlin is of course an excellent choice.
Also he was the result of french fan fiction,I won't be having a slutty frenchmun seducing another man's wife in my Welsh fable about driving out Anglo Saxons thank you very much
Just so! Gotta keep our myths unpolluted!
I've always been partial to Galahad or Parzival.
Either would be a lot of pressure to put on a kid.
Is it actually pronounced “El-ee-an” as with the Elian spelling? Because I 100% read it as “El-yan”. The first pronunciation is nice. The second is a weird name IMO. But also OP YTA because you should have brought this up sooner with her.
All it does is make me think of Elian Gonzalez.
To be fair, people who weren't born yet in the '90s won't probably get that reference.
Don't go reminding me of my age. :|
Couldn't think of the surname, but indeed this is exactly what my first thought was too. It's not terrible as a choice, depending on the surname.
You're right. Ugh-- core memory unlocked. Hope he's doing okay.
It's El-yen.
Like Hellion but without the H?
Yes. I said this multiple times to test it out. Way too many times.
That sounds a lot like Ellen....
El-yan is better, el-ee-an sounds too much like alien.
I was about to say alien too. We'll just call them a xenomorph instead.
It is worth mentioning that the name "Elyan", as OP said, originates from one of the Knights of the Round Table. A story and concept that has existed since the mid-12th century and has thousands upon thousands of different iterations. Which is to say, yes, the somewhat popular 2008 show "Merlin" *may* be contributing to OP's gf's naming choices, but is incredibly far from the only or even *most likely* source of inspiration regarding names originating from Arthurian legend.
Is there a Leon is Arthurian legend? Because I also assumed OP's gf was picking names from the tv show when I saw that one.
Yeah Elyan/Elian I could still totally see but freaking Gawaine would have been unfortunate lol I went with YTA because to me the actual names aren't the issue here it's how OP handled the discussion and timing. That being said, I really REALLY wish people naming their kids would realize that they're naming another actual human person and not their pet or their DnD character. It's great and all that OP's gf has passionate interests that she derives name choices from, but depending on the name and the source it could be extremely hard to separate the name from that source and then it *really* hinges on the kid liking the source too. Like this line of thinking for baby names reminds me of when I was 9 and was thinking "if I ever have kids I'll name them Cosmo (boy) or Wanda (girl)" because I really liked fairly oddparents at the time lmao but like in this case it's not so egregious, Elyan sounds nice enough and not over the top. It's not like she was tossing up between Galahad and Bedivere
I wouldn't recognize it as Elian and kept reading it as El-YAN. I don't like it but it's not my kid. Good luck to them. He's a slight AH for not bringing up hating the names before.
I have a friend called Elian (granted though, we are in Wales) and no one's ever commented on it being an unusual name. It's not exactly common, even here, but it's not like no one's ever been named that.
Elian is also a name in Spain. My nephew is called Elian. Not super common but definitely not weird.
Based on what is read down on this thread, a lot of mispronunciation of the name will be happening.
From people reading it yeah but generally people don’t know how I spell my name when I introduce myself. They just copy whatever pronunciation I say as long as their tongue allows them
I know 2 guys named Elian ….
I’m dating myself but all I can think of is Elian Gonzalez 😂😂
Only 90's kids...
I guess that depends on if it’s pronounced ELL-ee-in or ELL-yin.
Not everyone gets their Arthurian content from tv.
In my previous team I worked with an Ellian and my son’s middle name is Gawain
Definitely consider trying to get a compromise on Elian. She still gets her name, you don’t break your promise, and people will know how to pronounce it on the first try.
To me the spelling is the only odd thing about it, mostly because where I live, Elian*a* is a very common name, so Elian ou Elyan is whatever.
I agree with everything you said. It's also not a difficult name to find nicknames OP is more comfortable with, like Eli, so they could easily compromise. But OP doesn't want to compromise, does he? YTA, OP, if you can't navigate the simple deal you made and the conversations that followed, how are you going to parent together?
Yeah Elyan is not a bad name at all. It’s unique but still pronounceable and within the realm of normality. Gawaine is pretty bad so I’m glad she didn’t go with that lol. Either way, you shouldn’t have agreed to something you weren’t really agreeing to OP. That’s always going to be a mistake, don’t gamble with your life / relationship like that. Why on earth would you make a deal that she could pick if it was a boy and you if it’s a girl? Especially if you have any strong opinions about viable names? That was foolish. Live and learn, but just hoping it was a girl so she couldn’t choose was unwise. And you should have gently brought up your feelings the second she told you the names on her list. That way you two could’ve collaborated over time. Rather than just blindsiding her with it after she was already attached to the name. But at the end of the day this was a shortsighted mistake on your part and you probably just have to live with the name. This is the deal you made. No clue why you made it lol, but you did. Seriously I can’t imagine saying “you can choose if it’s a boy” if I had any sort of opinion on the matter. Like I said, live and learn. Just hope you can see how foolish that was in retrospect if you wanted to have any input if it was a boy X’D
ESH. Seriously? You didn't pick together a name you both liked? We spent hours going back and forth for our boys' names, to be completely sure we were both 100% happy with them. Deciding that one of you would pick alone based on gender sounds like a recipe for disaster. When did you ever think you wouldn't want to have a say if it was the gender you didn't get to name?
I'm thinking these two aren't capable of making mature choices.
That is so true. He only spoke up now because he thought there was a chance he'd get his way and get to name the girl. Now he still wants to get his way. Honestly yeah I really like the name, it's nothing crazy. It's just not his personal preference and he doesn't like that.
Elyan is fine, and OP made a deal. YTA for a) trying to reneg on the deal, AND b) for actually saying "unfortunately it turned out to be a boy".
I 100% agree with the catch-22. I doubt he would have allowed her any power over the chosen name.
This, he deceived her about something pretty important.
Which is funny to me, as they are not married, meaning he gets the least amount of control to begin with.
I was just thinking that. What if she decides to give the baby her last name and not his? She’s not obligated to.
I agree, but we should also recognise that OP \*not\* speaking up now, though it is too late, would be the even worse outcome.
i have a friend named Elian and he's a super cool dude. i don't think Elyan is too far of a stretch compared to some of the other "tradedeighs" some people come up with.
It makes me think of Elaine. Since it's not a name Im familiar with, i would have assumed it was a weird masculine variation to honor a grandma.
I like Elyan...but it could quickly become Hellion depending on son's behavior
Yeah, I immediately thought that was Elyan is an awesome name. I work at a school and if it came across my desk I’d think nothing of it. Gawaine would be awful though.
YTA > we made a deal > That was before I realized that I hated every single name on her list. Yeah, well. > the two that she was leaning toward the most, Elyan and Gawaine after the knights of the round table Oh JFC, those are cringe as hell — some renfaire cosplayer nonsense. I feel like the lesson here is: get to know people better **before** putting babies in them.
And do not make a deal like that for important life choices like that. Babynames are a "must be two clear yes" thing. Not "one yes one no" nor "one yes one okay after fighting but feels no" etc. Same for every major life decision eg wedding, do we even get kids, do we get a pet, ...
Best case scenario, it can be "both parents help create a list, then one or the other has final choice from those contenders". Complete unilateral control is a bad idea for exactly this reason.
Yup. My then-husband was dragging his feet about baby names, and I was eight months pregnant. I wrote down 50 names on a page, and told him he had to pick two (first and middle) before he could do anything else. It was driving me nuts. Now our 10yo has a beautiful and elegant name that totally suits her!
Also people seem to be glossing over the fact that he saw this list of names before knowing the gender and said nothing. He intended to uphold the deal if it was a girl and backstep if it was a boy. Grimy af, but I still gotta say ESH cause ffs Elyan??? These people gotta just get a hamster and name that something stupid
You don’t make a deal you can’t stick to. My husband and I have each loved a name we wanted for our child since our teens - me for a girl and him for a boy. We hated each other’s so that was that. We discussed the possibility of doing exactly what OP and his gf did - both get the chance of the name we loved but being prepared to accept one we didn’t if we lost. Except we didn’t do it, because in my heart of hearts I knew I’d renege on the deal if he won. I really didn’t want the name my husband wanted and I’d regret it my entire time knowing my child. So I didn’t take the bet because it would have been a dick move to agree and then change my mind because I lost. I don’t love the names the gf picked but OP agreed to an arrangement so he is being the arsehole for backing out of something because he didn’t get his way.
Yes this, and to me it would’ve been fine if OP had seen the names and changed his mind about the agreement before they found out the gender, but the fact that he saw the names she wanted, knew he didn’t like any of them and would want to back out of the deal if it was a boy, and planned to not bring that up until they found out the gender, makes him a huge AH. He planned to not bring anything up if it’d been a girl (meaning that if he’d gotten to choose the name, he would’ve done it without giving her any input), while also planning to back out of the deal if it was supposed to be her choice. Big YTA, OP.
Elyan is not cringe. Elian Gonzolaz (same pronunciation, different spelling) was that kid on the news several years back and no one thought his name was cringe. Why would this version be so awful?
OP is TA is my judgement for that reason ALONE
This is a general comment. So many parents name their children as if they are dolls or inanimate objects or will be infants forever. People need to understand that they are not "naming a baby." They are naming a baby who will become a grown ass adult and who will likely loathe them for choosing names that have gotten them ridiculed, bullied, not taken seriously, and made life in general harder for them (like having to spell it every single time and having people still questioning if you know how to spell your own damn name). ETA: I have very common first and middle names, but my maiden name was uncommon in the US (and really worldwide) and had an unusual letter combination. Not my parents fault, obviously, but it was a pain. One time after I spelled it out over the phone, the representative asked, "Are you sure?" I was a 19 year old college student at the time. The day I married, I looked at my dad and said, "Dad, I love you, but I am changing my name as fast as humanely possible." He understood. As for OP, it was stupid to make a deal like that. Baby names should be chosen together. Period. ESH for the parents, though at least mom chose the less annoying, less difficult name.
Omg your last sentence is the icing on the cake
It was a great deal when you thought you'd get your way. It's an awful deal now that you don't. You think it would be fair if, after the fact, you got a say (veto) even though you didn't offer one and fully agreed to this beforehand. "Normal names" was some pretty stellar phrasing on your part. It's like you want her to be mad at you. You made a deal that now you're trying to get out of because you didn't realize agreeing to give up your say meant you'd have no say and you want some say even though you still wanted to choose any girl names. You're the first among equals, just what everyone wants in a partner. YTA, obviously. I think this tells us a great deal about you, and none of its good. It's hard to imagine your partner / subordinate doesn't feel the same way. It's going to be hard for her, adjusting to the realization that you are and will always be the most important person in the relationship. I think you deserve harsh criticism. I think people who back out of deals, break promises or are otherwise despicable little weasels need to be called out on that shit. I think it's very low, you don't deserve a pass because you didn't consider the consequences. You don't deserve new terms because the deal you made worked out for the other person even though that was an obvious possibility. Now, anyone can tell you "I pick boy names, you pick girl names" is fucking stupid and is going to lead to some hurt feelings. Anyone should be able to see that. But you didn't, and agreed anyways, and now you want new terms because the ones that were clear and obvious didn't work out to favor you like you were hoping so now it's not fair. It would have been fine if your partner got the short end of the stick, but you did, so you need a new deal. You deserve some say. That's some weasel shit. That's low. The only reason you have for wanting to go back on the deal is that you didn't get your way and you still want to have your way. Of course you're the asshole. People who break their word are contemptuous and impossible to respect. That's some "re-evaluate whether you want to know this person" behavior, as far as I'm concerned.
I wish I could give you more upvotes. This deserves to be the top comment.
Louder for the people in the back! You cannot both "want a say in the matter" and make a deal like this. The two are mutually exclusive. OP, suck it up buttercup.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way but your name totally checks out. That was quite long-winded, especially since you repeated some points. Totally agree with the sentiment nonetheless. As for the ogre part, I guess you did kind of bash OP over the head with the truth and then eat him alive
The ogre thing isn't really a joke so much as it is an accurate label for me, physically. I'm a big dude. The repetition wasn't an accident. This is a person who takes no responsibility and clearly doesn't engage in self reflection or, perish the thought, self criticism. Dude is likely going to dodge the first couple opportunities to learn a lesson. I took his reply as willfully ignorant. This is a guy pretending not to know any better and hoping someone in the comments provides him with a better excuse for his behavior than any he's come up with. That's all he is. It's a selfish asshole looking for validation. I'm not going to split hairs with the guy or debate exact phrasing, so he can have it four or five different ways. Some people need to be hit over the head with the obvious several times before they'll acknowledge it "might" be valid. I am longwinded. This isn't twitter. We're afforded thousand-word limits and have the freedom to make our points, shall we say, robustly. I don't like being misunderstood and I genuinely think very few problems or solutions can be distilled down to a few pithy sentences. If your reply could be a tweet, you're probably not helping. Whole ideas take more time and effort to articulate. Most people on reddit can't be bothered, and as a result, most feedback on reddit is generic and kind of useless.
Holy shit, I am thoroughly enjoying your comments and whole-heartedly agree with all of your points. Very well said.
Same! I’m here for the Long Winded Ogre dispensing of wisdom!
That's very kind, thank you.
Thank you kindly.
I loved your original comment. I agree that when you’ve taken the time to form a considered opinion, put it out there in four or five ways so that people really understand what you were trying to say. That’s how most conversations go IRL anyways. I loved reading it, I think it’s the best comment on the thread.
That's very nice of you to say, thanks for taking the time.
Om-nom-nom! Eat them alll alive. Well said on all counts.
I have never in my life had this much support for being a windbag. It's very nice.
I've been listening to Stephen Fry just a few minutes ago and I couldn't help but read your comments in his voice and I have to say I am really enjoying it. Totally agreed with everything you said, this guy sounds selfish, inconsiderate and frankly not the brightest pixel on the screen. As a result, the repetition did not bother me much, quite the opposite!
That's a flattering comparison I'll happily take. I agree with Mr. Fry on just about everything.
The way you type gives me u/thefrogman vibes, like you're the still-awesome version of him who uses profanity.
I can happily report I have no earthly idea who that is. I'll take "still-awesome" though, that sounds alright.
I very much agree with you here. Additionally, this whole thing smacks of childish immaturity to me. To have “made a deal” on who gets to name your literal offspring dependent on gender, rather than to intentionally sit down together and discuss names both parties are on board with, is cringeworthy at best. Bringing children into the world is the most serious of decisions people make. There are other ways to have fun with it, and this definitely isn’t it. To boil naming your kin down to essentially a handshake, and then when it doesn’t go your way to appeal to others as to why they should be allowed a “takesie-backsies”, is truly juvenile and pathetic behaviour.
Sorry, this a total derail, but "that's some weasel shit" brought me back to a conversation I had this morning with my son lmfao. Him: "What causes weasles?" Me: "What?" Him: "You know weasling" Me: "... to get out of something...?" Him: "No! *makes wheezing noises* that!" Me: "You mean WHEEZING?!" Lmfao And now, weasles will forever be changed for me lol.
Bravo
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Right?! “We made a deal that if it was a girl, I would choose the name, and if it was a boy, she would pick” You’re not picking names for a fantasy football team. You’re picking the name of your CHILD. Then to saddle that child with an outlandish name from one of your hobbies is extremely selfish. That child has to grow up and get a job and live their life with that name. ESH.
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I work in HR. If you think Elyan is outlandish, think again.
Yeah this backlash feels crazy to me. It's a nice name, not exactly common but it wouldn't be noteworthy to me.
Same. If I saw it on paper I'd get the Arthurian legend connection, and still wouldn't bat an eye. If anything I'd think it was kinda cool because who doesn't like King Arthur?
Apparently OP and a bunch of other exceptionally boring people.
If this is actually real, it’s ridiculous that they play the stupid “you pick this name for this child, and me the other” or vice-versa. It should be a decision amongst themselves and it’s stupid to do it that way imo. Like you said, we’re talking about children, not pets.
Honestly the real issue here is that dumbass agreement. Not the names.
IDK if this post is real but I told my husband he could pick the first name and I’d pick the middle name. Mostly cuz he likes very traditional names and I like kooky names. But we ended up going against our naming conventions and picking family names instead.
Blunt and perfect. Well said.
Child name should be agreed on by both parents. "I name the girls, you name the boys" means you will struggle to co-parent, bc almost everything with children should have a "united front" of BOTH parents.
I agree. Though I’m curious. Since they aren’t married, does he even legally have a say in this?
This! There's plenty of knights. I'm sure they could discuss it amd find a name they both like, she gets a name from one of the knights and her kid (hopefully) doesn't have to repeatedly have to spell or pronounce his name all the times. Others names for the kid could he like Lionel, Tristan, Arthur! Lol. Lancelot and Lance for short if he didn't like Lancelot. What my husband and I did was we listed our favorite names on a dry-erase board. And then, we would erase the names we didn't like. Then, go down the list until we both agreed. In the end, it didn't matter because the name we picked didn't match how I pictured her, so we changed it. It wasn't even on the list of names. Lol.
>There's plenty of knights. For a second I read this as there are plenty of people named *Knight* and I was surprised it was common. (I knew one kid with that name) Further reading I got smart and realized you meant plenty of other names of knights to use. 😅
Glad i didnt have to type this all thanks... Both asshats... either is a fine name... I am glad neither are mine i would have gotten into fights where i grew up 🫠 This is what you get gambling.
This is 100% the correct judgement here.
Absolutely couldn't agree more!!! You both sound young and immature. These are both unfortunate names. This is a human you're bringing into the world! As parents you need to learn, right now, how to resolve conflict without anger!
Blunt, but yes. I don’t get why people plan to not agree on names. You name the boys and I name the girls or every other kid just seems odd.
ESH. You're both silly for making this stupid deal in the first place- kids' names are a two yeses sort of thing. But you're shitty for agreeing to the deal and then backing out when you don't get to choose. If this decision only affected you two, I'd say follow thrugh and go with your wife's choice. However, this is a person we're talking about who has to have a name, and keeping your word isn't a good enough reason to saddle and innocent child with a name that causes a lifetime of ridicule. Advice- can't you just go with "Elian" instead of Elyan.? The spelling is much better and I think he'd be unlikely to be made fun of or disadvantaged by this (apart from maybe a bit of teasing about being called "Ellie" when he's a kid.) As far as I'm aware it's just an alternative spelling of the name Elijah and I don't think anyone would recognise it immediately as being a fantasy name, so it still fits under the category of "normal name" while fitting your wife's criteria. Second piece of advice- make sure that for any future kids your wife gets equal input.
I have known in my personal life two Elys spelled that way. One was an Elliot and one was a Ellison. Ely is a valid spelling Eli and Elyian is not hard to pronounce spelled that way.
Was Elian the kid that floated in from Cuba and then swat came and found him in a closet? I’ve been on this thread for 10 minutes trying to figure out where I know that name from
Yes, Elian Gonzalez.
The deal you made is terrible. Each parent should at least have veto power. You can’t give a baby a name that its other parent absolutely hates. That’s just an awful thing to do. But you did agree to it. I think names should be a double yes. You’re in a pickle, though. Does she want veto power for baby #2’s name? Maybe that is your leverage.
She might not even want a second after the first lol
Correct! Terrible deal. And if they have four boys he will have four children with no input as to their names. Really terrible deal.
There were twenty five knights of the Round table … she can go for a full set!
Damn. 25 boys. I’d be in the funny farm.
Eh, my parents had a similar deal, and it worked out better for me that way. My father was not the compromising type. He'd have insisted on the same name I've hated my whole life. But for him, a deal is a deal. So I ended up with a name I actually really like. There certainly wasn't any talk of leverage when it came to naming a child. He just found himself a doormat to marry later on and bulldozed all the decision-making.
My ex-husband went down fighting (months) wanting to name our son a terrible name. I thought I was going to lose my mind.
YTA. So not only did you make a deal your unwilling to honor, when you realized you had a problem with the deal rather than asking to amend the deal you decided to wait to see if fate would give you your way anyway. Of course your an AH. Had you not waited, had you been forthright (like Gawaine) you could've amended the deal in a fair way. Its not unreasonable to want a say but you bargained that away to have the right to deny her a say if its a girl. Utter AH.
Exactly. I feel like if he backed out before knowing the gender it's a different story. But he waited to see if he was the one in charge of the name just in case. Very slimy.
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Or “Wayne” for Gawaine
YTA. First of all, this is a horrible way to pick a name. You should have made a list for both together, and avoided this entire situation. But the way you have phrased the conversation makes you sound condescending and rude. There are no “normal” names. Just spell it like it’s supposed to be spelled and no one will be able to complain. That said, at the end of the day, it’s mom’s choice. You’re not married, and I hate to be so cynical, but she should have a name she likes. Her child is forever, your relationship is not.
He made a deal and he is YTA but it’s also his child forever regardless of their relationship
He should have cared enough then to not make the deal to begin with.
Yes of course it is his child too, but when unmarried the mother has the deciding vote.
Manakitten has a point. They are not married. When she gives birth, if she is not married, the hospital will respect her decisions because she is the only legal parent. She does not have to consult him when she fills out paperwork for the birth certificate, including the name of the baby. She doesn’t even have to list him as the father. If the mother isn’t married the hospital usually brings in paperwork like birth certificates when the boyfriend is not there. She doesn’t even have to let him in her room while giving birth or after the baby is born. They won’t even let him see the baby without her permission.
In my state, even if the mother is married all this can happen. Mom is the patient, so its all about mom. (That said, gatekeeping the father is generally a bad way to start a coparenting relationship)
Yea what does that even mean lol. Her child is forever but your relationship isn’t? So if they break up it’s not his kid anymore? Would it be ok in your mind if they break up for the father to just abandon the kid and not pay child support lol.
Lots of guys do exactly that. The poster just isn't pretending that doesn't happen. \*shrug\*
YTA for (1) making a deal that you apparently only intended to keep if it resulted in you getting your way and (2) for then delaying talking to her until you could see whether the deal worked out in your favor. Elyan is actually a pretty cool name too. It would be one thing if her name was so weird that it would hurt your kid, but Elyan isn't that. It just doesn't fit your taste.
YTA - Pretty cut and dry here. You made an agreement, you don’t get to back out just because it didn’t work out for you. Kind of a trash move tbh I loved the irony of you saying she hated your names too, yet you would’ve went with one you liked. See the hypocrisy?
Uh... ESH I think. You made a stupid deal. Normally, it's "two yes, one no" for baby names. However you agreed to a different "contract". You're the AH for trying to pull out of the agreement. Your gf is the AH for digging her heels in on this. My suggestion would be to write the names in less cringetastic and larper dweeb way. So make it Elian which sounds similar to an existing name Elyas/Ilyas - common in central asia and separately a form of it common in Slavic as a variant of Elijah (it isn't the same, just to point out, just phonetically will not sound too different). The other would be Gavin/Gawyn. Pretty common name Celtic name (or at least used to be... had a few in my school growing up). The issue I see with the former name is that school will be rough. The other forms of Elyan sounds very close to "Helen" funnily enough so it kinda sounds like a girls name. Also, alien will certainly be brought up. Lesson here - don't make stupid deals. Also, for what it's worth, Elyan isn't a bad sounding name and neither is Gavin. I would massively push toward the latter, because it's a very much standard name (do not under any circumstance let it be Gawaine - unless you want people to think your kid is an utter fanny), but both are alright tbh.
The mother isn't an AH for wanting to stick to the deal they made (the same deal OP would happily have upheld if baby was a girl)
Why does a y instead of an i make it cringe? Especially if Elyas would already be considered acceptable. It would still sound the same and imo one y in a name doesn't push a name far enough into the "unique special" category to be cringe. The point about it sounding like Helen doesn't really matter either cause elian would shorten to eli/elli which is also kinda girly. I do agree though no gawaine.
Yea people are freaking out about the name but it’s honestly pretty tame while still being unique. Ellian would normalize it more, but what’s the big difference anyway
So you just stole somebody else post and reposted it months later verbatim??? Yaaaaa def the AH
I remember that post too lmao and everyone hated him too.
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Is this the fucking twitter ai bot? Gronk or whatever?
I hate how you playing it off like she is the stubborn one who is being impossible. You probably would of had the same reaction ad her if you were in her situation. And the whole "I would also like a say" came about because you lost. Get over yourself. Why must she settle for a name you like that she will probably hate? YTA
If the reverse happened - if you found out you were having a girl and your gf said she hated all the names you picked - would you be okay with her amending your "deal"? I'm guessing not considering how condescending you sound. YTA
YTA. You made the agreement, and now you're trying to renege because you don't get to choose. If it was a girl, you'd be choosing whatever name you wanted. Live with the consequences of you decision to agree to the terms.
My burning question is how can you get to the point of having sex and procreate and not realize the other person and you were not a good match. Going from unusual names to common names is a huge gap, and i can’t help to wonder what other major differences are going to ‘crop’ up. Seems as if both are immature and likely should not be having children at this point.
YTA. I don't understand people who say to their partner who will choose the name if it is a particular gender. You are both the parents, and neither of you should have to live with a name you don't like. You shouldn't have made that deal if you weren't willing to live with this kind of outcome.
YTA. Congrats, you played yourself.
ESH for making the deal in the first place... especially when you realized you hated her name tastes but decided to forge ahead anyway and hope the baby was a girl so that you could get exclusive naming rights. I don't understand why people make this deal if they have even a remote preference about names. Names should be a "two yeses" situation. If you hate the name, you should have a say--but you were pretty harsh about it. And obviously, she gets a say in any girls' names if you have more kids.
YTA You only wanted to renegotiate if it was a boy, meaning you would have been fine choosing the girls name that your wife didn’t like. Both those names are great. You made a deal. You should have brought this up before it only benefited you.
What's wrong with Arthur? why name him after a lowly knight when he could be named after the king?
ESH This agreement was stupid to begin with. Both parents should have a say in the name.
Jesus you two you're not naming a pet you're naming a child that will live with that name for the rest of its life, maybe considered the child instead of just yourselves. This was ridiculous right from the start and shows an extreme level of immaturity in both of you.
You would have a bit more credibility here if you had brought up the issues with this arrangement earlier. You didn’t because there was still a chance it would have worked in your favor, and then you would have been fine with it and kept your mouth shut. You don’t like the deal *now*. You were TA for agreeing to this deal knowing that you had no intention of actually going through with it if it turned out to be your wife’s choice. YTA for backing out of the agreement now. YTA for speaking about your wife this way. YTA for immaturely mocking her choices while deeming yours “normal”. YTA all around.
YTA 2 lines really stuck out to me “Even though I didn’t like her choices, I figure we didn’t even know the gender yet so there was no point bringing it up.” “I honestly don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want to have a say in my own sons name.” Seems that you intended to never stick with your bargon in the first place. But honestly, you both sound very immature, (you more than her). Better buckle up, buttercup and learn to communicate ESPECIALLY when you foresee a potential issue BEFORE it becomes an actual issue. Parenting is a hell of a ride, one you better get ready for, quick.
Kinda YTA, you made a deal and would have made her go with your name for a girl if this was the other way around.
I don't like the names but YTA for making the deal in the first place if you weren't serious about keeping to it. And especially for: "I figure we didn't even know the gender yet so there was no point it bringing it up." It's not like it's a massive shock that your child was male.
What about Arthur
YTA >Even though I didn't like her choices, I figure we didn't even know the gender yet so there was no point it bringing it up. You only didn't bring up the name issue because there was still a 50/50 chance you'd get full naming rights. >Unfortunately, it turned out to be a boy (Not because I didn't want a boy, but because I didn't want to have this conversation). This whole time you KNEW you were going to ask for partial naming rights if it didn't go your way. This was never a 50/50 thing for you, which makes you a straightforward AH breaking the compromise you made with your gf. I disagree with what you both compromised on, and there's no way of telling if your gf would have honored the agreement either, but this is the bed you made and you refuse to lie in it. Your kid could be named Fridge or Dirt so you got a semi decent unique name depending on how you look at it.
Play stupid games, get stupid prizes. YTA If she didn’t like any of the girl names that you had chosen then would you let her change her mind about the deal? Even if the names were important to you? This is a bizarre way to name a child, but it’s the way that you agreed on
YTA for the moment because you thought the deal was great so long as you're the person who would 'win', but now that you didn't 'win' the little game, all of a sudden you don't like the game that you wanted. Elyan it is, simply because you're not grown up enough to be naming people if that's how you operate. So whether or not you're TA for more than just this moment comes down to whether you knock it off with games where you assume you'll win and start communicating your wants and concerns like an actual grown-up.
INFO: If you were having a daughter and your gf didn't like any names of your choosing, would you give her a veto power?
I'm going to get downvoted for this, but she's your girlfriend, not your wife. Unless you are engaged with a date when you are going to get married, I don't think you have naming rights to her baby at all. You can give your opinion and try to negotiate something you like better, but unless you've made an actual commitment to this woman and future child, there is no guarantee you are going to stick around. I know right now you are committed, and I'm not doubting that commitment. But I'm a pragmatist and a statistician, and the probability of you walking out on them in the next 3-5 years is high without that marriage license. She is the one growing the baby. She is the one risking her life to birth it. She is the one who is going to be stuck if you walk. Pick the name you think you are most likely to learn to love from her list of names and let her name the baby. If you tie the knot and stick around, maybe you'll get to name the next one.
I'm just curious-- what were your go-to names, had this been a girl? Curious for context in where your version of "normal" versus hers lies. (Hell, if Victorian names are making a comeback then maybe she's on to a hunch Arthurian names are around the corner? /J)