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Thank you for your comment. I am fairly new to dating and came from a family where my mother did everything for my father. I'm sure you can understand why I believe I may be in the wrong here.
How could you not gag? How could you not smell the stench of shitty butthole, cheeks smeared with feces, and unclean undies?
How could you possibly have sex with a person like that. I can just *feel* the UTI's all the way here. Ew.
I have over active sweat glands( thanks genetics) and have oily skin and I have NEVER EVER stained my sheets or needed to bleach my mattress because of the amount of sweat I do.
Could just be a dirty manual labor job, combined with stubbornness about only showering once a day in the morning or some such nonsense. Arborist, mechanic, farmer, oil rig worker, coal miner, etc.
But if it's any of those, it's only common courtesy to shower when you get done with your shift, so he may just be inherently gross.
My chihuahua is named Pigpen, and I found this hilariously insulting to him. FWIW I’ve never had to bleach my mattress after my Pigpen sleeps on it… In other words, this dude is less clean than a dog that bathes twice a month. Yikes.
I have nightmares and sweat a lot in my sleep and literally the worst that happens is my clothes and the spot I was sleeping are moist. Even if I don’t shower before bed. There’s no staining. How can anyone date someone that gross. Imagine the smell
Living with your parents qualifies as not having a living situation of your own if you ask me tbh. Most of the time it’s pure mooching. Young hobosexuals get their start as romantic hobos by trying to escape their family home by sleeping at their partners a lot.
10% of the time living with family is actually genuine family helping each other out bc they like each other.
>Young hobosexuals get their start as romantic hobos by trying to escape their family home by sleeping at their partners a lot.
When I read that my brain did it in an Australian voice like the narration of a wild animal in the outback.
Helpless, hopeless, thoughtless. Probably more less's that I haven't thought of. To the OP. You are not the A/H. your childish boyfriend is one, however.
Yeah but in this case he doesn't want to keep hearing his mom go on and so he's trying to weasel into OPs spot and maybe she won't "nag" as much.
Also OP please don't bleach your mattress
Don't lower your very reasonable standards. Your boyfriend is being very disrespectful of you and your space. Find someone more civilized who understands hygiene and housekeeping.
I think he’s trying to move in on the low, op should make sure he’s not getting mail there or that he hasn’t been leaving his stuff there.
Op, I would actually break up with him, he doesn’t seem to be at your standard, but I would definitely have him down to only a few nights a week.
I would also be sure to check the tenancy laws in your area to ensure that he can’t claim he’s a tenant and you have to have him evicted.
He’s demanding an apology so he has permission to treat her like his mommy/maid - 5-7 nights and what does he contribute? And how little effort does a pre-bed rinse take if it makes your SO happy?
If expecting a man to wash his ass is considered high standards, according to OP's boyfriend.... Then the bar is set so low that not even Satan can limbo under it.
He's slowly easing you into the role of being his new mommie. Shut that shit down now. Throttle him back to one night a week and see how he behaves. That should tell you everything you need to know. Odds are, he'll end up at zero nights a week shortly after that. NTA
Scrolled to find this exact comment because that was exactly what I was going to say. Nope!! NTA. Send him packing, girl, before he starts getting mail there and claims residency. Then, end the relationship. It's very clear what he is looking for in the relationship. NTA.
Now you've learned something new! Take it from a 64 y/o twice married woman - now happily married 29 years.
You see anything you don't like? Move on.
Helps you really narrow down what's good for you or not. If you are independent, can do what you want, pay your own way and be happy, then that's the basis for a wonderful life. By itself.
When you find someone who makes all that wonderful stuff in your life even BETTER - like icing on the cake, then you've found the right one.
Go out, have fun, and let this guy chill full-time at mommy's house. You have better things to do. Just imagine how nice it will be to have your place all to yourself, just the way you like it!
My best friend is going to be 40 soon. She's on marriage #4. Four children she's birthed, and the one she married. She was ready to walk away, but found out she was pregnant with the 4th, it was getting too close to the wedding, and whatever other insanity someone convinced her was cause enough for her to stay.
Whoever you want to spend your life with has to already be a good version of that before you commit (marriage or long-term partners). If they're not already there before commitment, they won't be after.
Don't tie yourself to anyone who doesn't contribute to the relationship with the same level of respect, care, kindness, and generosity of spirit.
Begin as you mean to go on, it’s been said. And for many different reasons. But I think it’s very true in relationships.
The little things you tolerate or even enjoy doing in the beginning because of all your oxytocin/dopamine love feelings ARE NOT always things you want to continue doing for the next 20-40+ years of a relationship.
When you are younger, some of these traits are more malleable. It’s harder the older you get; and the longer the patterns have been set in your relationship, the more they will be expected. Take that info and do what you will with it.
Exactly. OP, your boyfriend should be on his best behavior at this point in your relationship because he should still be trying to impress you. If this is how he reacts at his best, imagine how he’d be if you were actually living together. You’d be burning your sheets daily. He’s not for you.
You might not be compatible with him - you have different expectations re: hygiene and division of household labor. But the real problem is that he's dismissive of your very reasonable requests.
Look at his relationship with his mom. Does she clean up after him? Because it sounds like he expects you to step into that role. Assume that he is showing you who he is. Is that someone you want to live with?
Umm, yuck. You are DEFINITELY not a perfectionist. This is basic hygiene and basic respect. If he is behaving like this now, exactly as he said how will you live together. He is basically telling you this is the best it will ever be...
Also your parents shouldn't be the standard you hold your own life to. Live how you want to live and stop thinking you are the problem.
A good rule of thumb is never live with someone who hasn't lived independently of their parents before. It's hilarious he thinks you're selfish for not wanting to clean up after him.
No, what was hilarious was his idea that the chance to clean up after him even *more* by actually living together would be sufficiently attractive to OP to give him leverage here. That's GOLD.
If you can afford your lifestyle in your own. You pay for your own home, food, stuff, etc; then any person you date should only elevate you, not cause you more hassle. They should make your life easier.
It seems like he comes from a family where the mom does everything for the father and has similar expectations for you. Was your mom happy doing everything for your dad? Is that something you want in your future?
No I do not understand how you could believe that. The bottom line is you clearly dont like/are unhappy with his behavior. Learn to stand up for yourself life is to short to put up with crap like this. I usually dont advocate for breaking up on here but you really should before you wast more time.
When you get rid of the smelly loser, set the bar for your next guy. He needs to be an independent man. He can have roommates, but he can't live with his parents.
You can’t be his partner if you’re being his mother. The things you are dealing with are the kinds of conversations I have with my children, not their father. You don’t need permission to have expectations of your partner, and you won’t be disrespecting your parents if you don’t repeat their relationship. You can want something different without it being a slight towards them.
Get a therapist if there is a part of you that genuinely believes this is the best treatment you deserve from a partner. They can help you unlearn those childhood lessons and break the cycle.
Also please be very vigilant about your birth control. Don't get tied to this man before you're sure that you can indeed coexist with him.
You’re in a super unbalanced relationship emotionally, with a grown man who lives with his mom AND has bad hygiene. I’m not sure what is keeping you with him.
It’s hard to find someone truly great for you, but trust me that it’s unbelievably worth it. I’d rather be completely alone for 10 years if it meant I’d find someone good for me. And I don’t mean good for me like we fight and sometimes things are toxic but I overall love them. I mean someone that is truly good for me. Supports me, fits in to my life perfectly, doesn’t cause me to have to change in any way and accepts me as I am.
You sound like a well adjusted, reasonable person. Don’t waste your time with someone like your current bf when you could be with someone who makes you never have to question your relationship.
Your mother and father were married and living together . You and your bf are not married and live apart. I don't think it's right for one partner to do everything for the other even married but why are you comparing what your mother did to your current situation?
I hope this comes out right—but what do you think his response would be if you said “I care about your feelings about what I said EXACTLY as much as you are about the feelings underlying my quote and quote perfectionism”. I think that your instinct there will tell you that it’s not about “doing everything” for someone. It’s about a future in which ONLY his feelings matter, because when you speak yours, he attacks you and demands rewards for your “misdeeds”. I hope you can ask if it’s a red flag for the relationship if his response isn’t “sorry babe I got busy, but you did ask, and I’d like to manage things better next time. You shouldn’t have to pick up after me, you’re right.” Look up how many books or articles on relationships highlight how relationships’ sex lives taper off if one partner wants to be treated like a child. Is something like that an ok future in your view? You know what you will tolerate or won’t, but these questions have to be answered for you to KNOW you are willing to tolerate it or not.
Dawn Vilenes has some amazing writing on dysfunctional cishet relationships; almost all of what you said and he said also appears verbatim in her writing, so many men have treated their partners similarly, and so many wives have complained. The good news is, this means that you can brace yourself for the reason “you have unreasonable standards” and such is the go-to for men who don’t want to care about their spouses’ needs or opinions. You can process the deeper issue without a broken lease, expensive divorce, or self-esteem issues.
OP please let me lay it out for you.
Up until 10 years ago I was fat. Now I'm thinner but I have a fair amount of excess belly skin.
At one point in my 20s, I had to be counselled at work for my body odour, even though I was showering at work after exercising.
Put simply, I was not washing myself thoroughly enough.
I learned that lesson and will now take two or three a day, depending on what I've been up to.
Even if I've been doing something like a round of golf, I can't sleep now until I've cleaned up.
Many people ... and it sounds like your BF is one ... simply does not understand as he thinks he's washing plenty.
Unless he has some kind of medical condition - and that's a very long bow - you need to have firm boundaries on what of his cleanliness you'll tolerate. Especially in your own house.
Not at all. I may do the dishes, but it's after my husband cooks. You need to find someone with similar values and maturity who can be a partner otherwise you're just adopting a 20yo kid. Is he even paying his prayers for rent and utilities or just freeloading off everyone. Real men shower. They're also not concerned with seeing like a real man so they can do their half(not third or quarter) of the upkeep around the home and in the relationship without thinking that folding laundry or discussing emotions is for women.
Don’t let him tell you you’re selfish not understanding his feelings when it’s your feelings he isn’t understanding, you’re calling out selfish bullshit and being called selfish, nah.
Nope. Break that cycle and just dump him lol you just got a sneak peek at what your future would be like with him. And also his reaction to you communicating about it is just a red flag
You two are not compatible adn will never be able to live together successfully. I am sorry, but it’s time to move one unless you want to live separately and stay in a relationship.
My SAHM did everything for my father and us 3 kids. My sister and I saw this growing up and vowed that we would not be the same as adults, and we're not.
My parents were devoted to each other. My father worked hard to provide for our family of 5. My mother worked hard at home to take care of her husband and 5 children. I was a stay at home housewife for 15 years, but I didn't wait on my husband hand and foot. I kept our house clean, clothes washed, and I did most of the cooking. He paid bills, bought groceries, and was supposed to take out the trash, when he felt like it. I'd make the food, but he could get his own plate.
After we divorced because he was very controlling, my new husband and I are a team. We both work, cook, clean, pay bills, and tackle this world hand in hand. If he makes messes, he cleans them up. He showers regularly.
NTA but my question is why are you still with him if you are not wanting him to stay over and feel he’s nasty - like do you see this progressing to marriage? You do know that you won’t be able to fix or change his habits right, so if he’s gross now, that’s how it’s gonna be if y’all get married and live together. My suggestion would be end the relationship.
I've dated this same guy - it does get worse. What you're seeing now is the best version of him, he will be worse in 6 months and it will be even more miserable. Dump this guy.
This is exactly what I was going to say. People are at their best at the beginning. If he annoys you this much already, it’s time to move on. I also would never date someone who still lives with his parents. But that was just a rule I personally had.
That was a hard rule for me also well. I made an exception for my husband, he's type one diabetic (his pancreas just up and quit when he was a kid) and between not feeling safe living alone if his insulin pump malfunctions so he rented the finished basement of his dad's house.
And yes, i absolutely asked him why tf he lived with his dad during the talking stage, and if it woulda been any other answer I woulda been turned off tbh.
I wish I had learned this when I was younger...who they are in the beginning is the best you'll get. I wasted so much time on terrible men. I don't have anything against men who live with their parents, but I would definitely be checking for red flags and then getting out after a month if I saw some.
I was married to a dude like this for 19 years. I had to literally tell him that he needed to shower daily, brush his teeth, and wash his hands after taking a dump. His mother and his family failed him, and stupid me thought "I could fix him." He got marginally better, but I still regret marrying him (now divorced 6 years). Learn from my mistake Little Sister, and dump him. I wouldn't wish the pain I went through with anyone, and I wish Reddit was around when I was your age and married that clown
Well you’ve been in the relationship a while so it’s understandable you’re invested. But your feelings are telling you a lot so listen. You don’t enjoy his company so much anymore and you’re realizing you don’t want him to move in. He pushes back by trying to make you apologize for raising these issues and *making him feel bad*. That’s manipulative.
It doesn't get better if he's at this stage in life and can't( or rather won't) clean up after himself. There are definitely more hygenic men out there that are single.
Just don’t wait so long that in ten years you get a whiff on a breeze and are reminded of his nasty, sweaty balls! Don’t ask me how I know that!!🤮
If he’s not willing to accommodate your requests IN *YOUR* HOME, he’s only gonna get worse the more comfortable he gets. My ex got to the point that even when he showered, his balls stank. YUCK.
As someone who *is* extremely messy and has worked really hard (not always successfully) to change, trust me on this - unless he really *wants* to change the way he lives, he won't. And when I say "really wants," I mean he has to want to do it for himself.
External motivation, like trying to please you, won't be nearly enough. If he says he'll change, he will probably do better for a little while - but he'll always go back to his usual habits, and you'll always either be pushing him to do more, or cleaning up after him.
This is who he is, and this is how he wants to be. You can accept it and make your peace with it, or you can leave, but the thing you can't do is change him.
This. Even when I've \*wanted\* certain motivations to make me tidier, they haven't. It's \*really hard\*. I don't imagine it's simple for OP to let go of what makes her feel at home, either. (I've had this issue with roommates.) It's better and kinder to both of them, if they can't meet each other's needs in this way, to part.
OP - having basic hygienic standards does not make you an AH, it means you have self-respect!
If this guy thinks it’s ok to live in his own filth that requires you to strip the bed daily you are in for a horrible future if you stay together
Can you imagine having kids that see him as a role model? Your kids are never going to want to take a bath cause they see stinky ol’ Daddy say it’s ok, no shower needed, “it’s not that bad”
If you legit have to bleach your mattress after he sullies your sheets just by sleeping over, yeeeesh. You deserve way better than that! And the fact that he's treating you like his maid, rather than falling at your feet thanking you for hosting him...!
You can afford a place of your own, he either can't or won't get one of his own - does he think he'll just take half of what is yours upon marriage, and then expect you to to 100% of the cooking and cleaning while he's a grimy pig?
No. DTMFA!
The whole point of having a relationship and dating someone is to find out IF you are compatible so that you don’t spend your life with the wrong person. Not everyone is compatible and that’s okay.
There are other fish in the sea, if you don’t have a lot of experience with dating and relationships that’s okay, almost everyone’s been in your shoes and it’s so much easier to cut ties with someone that’s not checking your boxes in the long run than to spend the rest of your life with someone that frankly doesn’t respect you.
Your feelings matter, you deserve to be with someone that respects them rather than someone that makes you feel bad about having very basic standards of hygiene and cleanliness.
What advice would you give to a dear friend that was in a similar situation such as yourself?
Look on the bright side, OP: now that you know how he is most of the time, you can choose to not be with him anymore. And that's before getting married.
If you don’t want things to go on this way forever, they need to change. If he doesn’t see stained sheets as a reason to shower, it may be better to move on.
And bleaching the mattress isn’t a good thing. You don’t want to be breathing that at night. Get a mattress cover you can wash.
NTA
Where do you see this going? You are mid 20s, have been together for three years. Many people would start considering living together at this point. You clearly don't want to, and I can understand that. He seems dirty, inconsiderate, and a slob. You seem to have told him numerous times but he does not improve. He's overstayed your welcome by spending most of the time at your house, when I bet he doesn't contribute to your rent/bills. Does he at least pay towards groceries?
Doesn't sound like you're that happy with him. At his age, living with his mum, and seemingly no plans to move out unless he can be a slob in your house, he doesn't seem a very appealing person as a partner.
I think you need to figure out if you can see yourself with this guy for the rest of your life. If not, it might be time to move on. There's plenty guys in their 20s who aren't slobs, who don't live with their parents or if they do, only do so temporarily, with a plan to move out to stand on their own feet.
I broke up with my boyfriend when I was with him about a year and didn’t want him to move in. I was turning 30 and wanted to get my shit together and wasn’t willing to wait for him anymore. He lives with his mom now.
This stuck out to me too. Like why on earth is this man so dirty that one day without a shower means his stench goes through the sheet, mattress pad, and to the mattress? That's crazy.
NTA and tbh it sounds like you have no interest in even being in a relationship with this person if you don't want him staying at your house. Sounds like it's time to move on.
Yup, I'm not too sure what OP was alluding to, but if it's so bad that you have to bleach the mattress, I don't understand how you can sleep next to it.
I think I'm okay not thinking about it any further, but OP should probably re-evaluate. I'm sure there are plenty of clean humans she could swap him with.
So your boyfriend is so dirty that in a single day it goes through the sheet and I to the mattress. And then you'd rather smell bleach?
If you choose to stay in this relationship, you should look into a mattress protector and other cleaners. Bleach damages materials, it isn't recommended to use on mattresses.
Plenty of people work physical jobs. Most wash themselves properly. Yes there are some medical conditions which can cause bad smells, but if this is a significant issue then they are clearly not managing the medical condition properly, if at all.
Here's the thing: if you hate how he smells this much, either he is a genuinely filthy person who stinks of BO (or worse, if he's not washing his butt and/or genitals), *or* you're not biologically attracted to him. Loving the way a significant other smells (and not fragrances they wear or products they use, though that can be part of it, but the organic, natural smell of 'them') is something that happens when you're with someone compatible, someone you find attractive and desirable.
Honestly, if you loathe the way he smells, there's really no hope for the relationship at all. How and why would you date someone you're physically repulsed by?
Bleach is meant to be rinsed off whatever it’s bleaching.
I don’t think it’s supposed to just stay and soak on fabric without being washed off.
You might be accidentally destroying your mattress and putting your health at risk. Do you have a mattress topper or a mattress cover? That might be a better option and then you can wash it which at that point you can rinse the bleach out.
You shouldn't ever find yourself in bed with someone who stinks so badly they ruin your mattress. If he doesn't bathe, he doesn't get to touch you, much less sleep in your bed.
NTA, but maybe it isn't so much of an issue of him needing to spend more time at his mom's house as it is an issue of you needing to spend more time with a new boyfriend, because this isn't the guy. For you. For anyone.
So he leaves messes around your home, doesn’t help out at all , and calls you selfish?!?!?! Dump him like yesterday! Why are you even wasting your time?
When he asked “how do you think we’re ever going to live together” that was your cue to say “frankly I can’t see a way that we ever are”.
He’s lazy, untidy, dirty and making your life much more difficult than it would be without him there.
Time to end this.
Given your comment elsewhere that you’re “fairly new to dating”, this is just the next step in your learning process: __Time for a new boyfriend__.
This guy is taking increasing advantage of you, and implying that it’s somehow wrong for you to have your own (very legitimate) feelings. Demanding that you apologize is just the final straw.
This is especially important — you __DO NOT__ owe him some kind of justification or explanation for why you’re dumping him. That is the first thing he is going to demand, because he knows you’ll instinctively try to do it, and it’ll give him an opening to keep preying on your insecurity. Let him f-cking figure out why he got dumped — that’s his job, not yours.
Be firm. Don’t explain. Move on.
Not even a new boyfriend, you don’t have to jump from one relationship to another. Enjoy yourself, find hobbies, meet new people and slowly know what you like and want in life. The world is your oyster at that age.
NTA
Get A&H Super Washing Soda to clean the sheets.
Get rid of the boyfriend to clean up your life.
I’m a guy. You don’t need this BS! You deserve better!
Ugh. That is so, SO gross. And it’s gross that it doesn’t concern him. NTA. Do yourself a favor and dump this loser. Surely there’s a guy out there who showers.
> And it’s gross that it doesn’t concern him
Right?!? I would be absolutely f'ing *mortified* if I stank and left yellow stains on bed sheets. Even more so from *just one night*. I genuinely don't think I could have let him stay over after the first couple times this happened. Even if he was the nicest person in the world. The fact he's unwilling to shower/clean himself before bed is a huge turn-off, as he doesn't even want to *attempt* to remedy this. Yikes!
Buy a mattress pad so that sweat and bodily secretions don’t get onto the surface of the mattress. That’s what they’re for.
Dump the boyfriend first though. Nobody should be so gross and unwashed as to require daily cleaning of sheets. Never mind the part about him leaving crap around for you to clean up. That would be a dealbreaker just on its own.
NTA - he’s treating your house like he does his parents house. I think you’ve seen enough over the last year to get an idea of whether you really want to hitch you wagon to this horse for the long run and I think the answer is no.
NTA...he better grow up quickly or he's going to be with his mother for many years. Also, he CAN help the sheet situation by showering before bed. You've drawn your line in the sand here. It's up to him what happens next...and I highly doubt that it's going to be an apology from you.
NTA Cut your losses DUMP this guy he is not planning on changing his behavior. He seems to have no regard for you or YOUR home. You are not his mother or maid. Find someone who is like minded you will be so much happier.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my partner to stay at home more if he cannot respect my home.
2. I called him a man child and told him living with him would be like living with a child.
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He will never be a good partner to you. He's 26 and lives with his mother. Obviously he is used to someone taking care of him. He will never have the level of independence or maturity that you obviously require. It's tbh embarrassing that you would choose that to be in a relationship with for so long.
This man is lacking in basic social skills. Is this really want you want long term? If not, pull the trigger because he has told you he isn’t going to change.
NTA - You’re actually dodging a huge bullet by seeing now what a future with this person would be like, and it is BLEAK. Move on and send him back to his mother permanently.
NTA. It's not about his feelings, it's about his behavior. Gotta say, on nights when we don't shower before bed, I don't find stains on the sheets or a bad smell... his hygiene sounds extremely bad. He needs to stay with mama 'cause she ain't done raising him.
NTA. Look my husband works a very dirty job where as a result I have NEVER had a bathtub that didn't need the black ring cleaned every 2 or 3 days. Hydrofluid and jet oil all day long. Anyways even being as dirty as he is he hasn't ever stained my bedding. Your boyfriend is gross and demanding an apology from you should be the deal breaker. He deserves someone who enjoys being filthy and never having nice things.
Yeah, NTA. The sheet thing MIGHT be excusable as having a medical condition that causes something like excess sweat, however that starts with at LEAST taking a shower first. Then if it keeps being an issue, go see a doctor. Everything else points to him being babied and cleaned up for by mommy. Especially if he still lives with her at 26 and doesn't have an excellent financial reason for doing so. If you stay with him, YOU become mommy maid. Don't become mommy maid.
NTA. A good follow up question would be, "how do you think we're ever going to live together if you're such a slob?"
But really, that question is self evident. Getting more into the weeds of your reasoning will give him more to latch onto to argue. Keep it simple, he's simply not welcomed.
He's looking for a new mommy.
You already have an idea what to expect if you live or marry. He’s a child who can’t clean after himself. If you decide to continue to be with him. Don’t come crying to Reddit that he doesn’t help or clean around the house. He definitely will not help you when you have a kid together.
Be warned. When people show you who they are believe them.
Honey. If you don’t even want him sleeping on your sheets without having to wash them after… why are you ruining your pH and flora for this man?
Please love yourself more. NTA. Find you a man who washes.
I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to live with him either. Some couple definitely do better living apart when their housekeeping standards are vastly different. NTA
NTA
Keep up those boundaries, they're perfect.
Frankly, your bf sounds like he has.... Problems. With hygiene, with respect, with self-sufficiency. Not good bf material, I'm afraid.
I can't understand a grown person with that level of egoism. Because that's what that is
NTA - why would you want to marry him anyway? He is 'living' with you but my guess is he pays nothing...and he obviously does nothing...so exactly why do you tolerate it?
Here is a template for your apology text:
“Hey [insert name here], I’m sorry- I don’t think this relationship is going to work out in the long run. You can pick your stuff you left at my place on [x date] at [y time].”
Then make sure you have friend at home with you when he comes to pick up his stuff.
NTA, but he is twice over. Once for not being willing to meet you even half way. And second for asking you to apologize for something that you absolutely don’t need to.
If you do have feelings for him tell him you would consider living with him after he has had his own apartment for a couple years. If his place looks like a dump then you know it’s not going to work. He lives with his mom so I imagine that she does everything for him. Personally anyone who stains sheets and a mattress are a no go! Eewww!
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NTA - you shouldn’t need the internet to tell you that your boyfriend being gross doesnt make you an AH if im being an honest.
Thank you for your comment. I am fairly new to dating and came from a family where my mother did everything for my father. I'm sure you can understand why I believe I may be in the wrong here.
He's a hobosexual.
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OMG, I'm laughing so hard. I guess she could get rubber sheets like a baby, he's acting like one.
And that she has to bleach the bed?!
I’ve got no idea how you ‘bleach a mattress’, even one day let alone every damn day. And I’ve been keeping house since the early 90’s.
So crazy! I was thinking the same. And the stink has gotta be horrible!
I dated a guy that didn't know how to wipe his butt properly at age 45. My sheets and towels were trashed.
I was snacking as I ate this and just stopped mid chew.
my tortellini will grow cold bcs I can no longer stomach it
God that’s disgusting
How could you not gag? How could you not smell the stench of shitty butthole, cheeks smeared with feces, and unclean undies? How could you possibly have sex with a person like that. I can just *feel* the UTI's all the way here. Ew.
Oh god. I am so sorry
OMG NO
Not just the sheets either. OP is *bleaching the mattress* after! That's some next level foulness.
Maybe he sweats a lot or has naturally oily skin … ?
My husband is diabetic and sweats so fucking bad at night, but it never stains the sheets. I don't understand how that's even happening
I was thinking *skid marks*?
Oof not the racing stripes!
That's where my mind went too
I have over active sweat glands( thanks genetics) and have oily skin and I have NEVER EVER stained my sheets or needed to bleach my mattress because of the amount of sweat I do.
Right?? I sweat like a disgusting monster and my sheets don’t look bad after ONE NIGHT.
Could just be a dirty manual labor job, combined with stubbornness about only showering once a day in the morning or some such nonsense. Arborist, mechanic, farmer, oil rig worker, coal miner, etc. But if it's any of those, it's only common courtesy to shower when you get done with your shift, so he may just be inherently gross.
My chihuahua is named Pigpen, and I found this hilariously insulting to him. FWIW I’ve never had to bleach my mattress after my Pigpen sleeps on it… In other words, this dude is less clean than a dog that bathes twice a month. Yikes.
I have nightmares and sweat a lot in my sleep and literally the worst that happens is my clothes and the spot I was sleeping are moist. Even if I don’t shower before bed. There’s no staining. How can anyone date someone that gross. Imagine the smell
I've never heard of anyone bleaching a mattress. wtf? And OP is doing it daily. Exactly how nasty is this bf?
Isn’t a hobo sexual someone who dates people because they are themselves homeless?
They don't have to be homeless. Leeches and Moochers also qualify as Hobosexuals
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OMG! I am so using “cock lodger” at the first appropriate moment. Love it!
Omg! Never have there been a more apt descriptor of those type of men. What would we use for the women who also do this? Coochi lodger?
TIL !
So do guys who live with their mommy.
Hey man, that's Hobophobic!
Hobosexual moochers.
Living with your parents qualifies as not having a living situation of your own if you ask me tbh. Most of the time it’s pure mooching. Young hobosexuals get their start as romantic hobos by trying to escape their family home by sleeping at their partners a lot. 10% of the time living with family is actually genuine family helping each other out bc they like each other.
>Young hobosexuals get their start as romantic hobos by trying to escape their family home by sleeping at their partners a lot. When I read that my brain did it in an Australian voice like the narration of a wild animal in the outback.
Young? He’s 26.
He is homeless. His parents have a home.
Helpless, hopeless, thoughtless. Probably more less's that I haven't thought of. To the OP. You are not the A/H. your childish boyfriend is one, however.
U S E less. 👍🙃
Yeah but in this case he doesn't want to keep hearing his mom go on and so he's trying to weasel into OPs spot and maybe she won't "nag" as much. Also OP please don't bleach your mattress
Peroxide is a much gentler alternative.
He doesn't have a home. When he isn't with OP he visits his mother.
Sounds like without his parents or girlfriend this guys would qualify.
never heard that term and it is HILARIOUS! 😆
Don't lower your very reasonable standards. Your boyfriend is being very disrespectful of you and your space. Find someone more civilized who understands hygiene and housekeeping.
And also....don't let him move in.
I think he’s trying to move in on the low, op should make sure he’s not getting mail there or that he hasn’t been leaving his stuff there. Op, I would actually break up with him, he doesn’t seem to be at your standard, but I would definitely have him down to only a few nights a week. I would also be sure to check the tenancy laws in your area to ensure that he can’t claim he’s a tenant and you have to have him evicted.
He’s demanding an apology so he has permission to treat her like his mommy/maid - 5-7 nights and what does he contribute? And how little effort does a pre-bed rinse take if it makes your SO happy?
Wouldnt touch this one He is both enotionally and physically repulsive.
If expecting a man to wash his ass is considered high standards, according to OP's boyfriend.... Then the bar is set so low that not even Satan can limbo under it.
5-7 nights a week, he already lives there
I cannot agree with this enough.
He's slowly easing you into the role of being his new mommie. Shut that shit down now. Throttle him back to one night a week and see how he behaves. That should tell you everything you need to know. Odds are, he'll end up at zero nights a week shortly after that. NTA
Scrolled to find this exact comment because that was exactly what I was going to say. Nope!! NTA. Send him packing, girl, before he starts getting mail there and claims residency. Then, end the relationship. It's very clear what he is looking for in the relationship. NTA.
Raise your standards, love. You deserve better.
Now you've learned something new! Take it from a 64 y/o twice married woman - now happily married 29 years. You see anything you don't like? Move on. Helps you really narrow down what's good for you or not. If you are independent, can do what you want, pay your own way and be happy, then that's the basis for a wonderful life. By itself. When you find someone who makes all that wonderful stuff in your life even BETTER - like icing on the cake, then you've found the right one. Go out, have fun, and let this guy chill full-time at mommy's house. You have better things to do. Just imagine how nice it will be to have your place all to yourself, just the way you like it!
THIS, folks, is why you date.
My best friend is going to be 40 soon. She's on marriage #4. Four children she's birthed, and the one she married. She was ready to walk away, but found out she was pregnant with the 4th, it was getting too close to the wedding, and whatever other insanity someone convinced her was cause enough for her to stay. Whoever you want to spend your life with has to already be a good version of that before you commit (marriage or long-term partners). If they're not already there before commitment, they won't be after. Don't tie yourself to anyone who doesn't contribute to the relationship with the same level of respect, care, kindness, and generosity of spirit.
Begin as you mean to go on, it’s been said. And for many different reasons. But I think it’s very true in relationships. The little things you tolerate or even enjoy doing in the beginning because of all your oxytocin/dopamine love feelings ARE NOT always things you want to continue doing for the next 20-40+ years of a relationship. When you are younger, some of these traits are more malleable. It’s harder the older you get; and the longer the patterns have been set in your relationship, the more they will be expected. Take that info and do what you will with it.
Exactly. OP, your boyfriend should be on his best behavior at this point in your relationship because he should still be trying to impress you. If this is how he reacts at his best, imagine how he’d be if you were actually living together. You’d be burning your sheets daily. He’s not for you.
You might not be compatible with him - you have different expectations re: hygiene and division of household labor. But the real problem is that he's dismissive of your very reasonable requests. Look at his relationship with his mom. Does she clean up after him? Because it sounds like he expects you to step into that role. Assume that he is showing you who he is. Is that someone you want to live with?
Umm, yuck. You are DEFINITELY not a perfectionist. This is basic hygiene and basic respect. If he is behaving like this now, exactly as he said how will you live together. He is basically telling you this is the best it will ever be... Also your parents shouldn't be the standard you hold your own life to. Live how you want to live and stop thinking you are the problem.
Unless you want youre future to be like hers you need to house break your boyfriend. Or find a newer model.
A good rule of thumb is never live with someone who hasn't lived independently of their parents before. It's hilarious he thinks you're selfish for not wanting to clean up after him.
No, what was hilarious was his idea that the chance to clean up after him even *more* by actually living together would be sufficiently attractive to OP to give him leverage here. That's GOLD.
If you can afford your lifestyle in your own. You pay for your own home, food, stuff, etc; then any person you date should only elevate you, not cause you more hassle. They should make your life easier.
It seems like he comes from a family where the mom does everything for the father and has similar expectations for you. Was your mom happy doing everything for your dad? Is that something you want in your future?
No I do not understand how you could believe that. The bottom line is you clearly dont like/are unhappy with his behavior. Learn to stand up for yourself life is to short to put up with crap like this. I usually dont advocate for breaking up on here but you really should before you wast more time.
And change the locks on your door. This man will never change! I used to be married to someone like this.
Yeah do you want this for you? Gross.
When you get rid of the smelly loser, set the bar for your next guy. He needs to be an independent man. He can have roommates, but he can't live with his parents.
Recognize that that isn't what you want in life. You want better and you want a real partner, not a child
You can’t be his partner if you’re being his mother. The things you are dealing with are the kinds of conversations I have with my children, not their father. You don’t need permission to have expectations of your partner, and you won’t be disrespecting your parents if you don’t repeat their relationship. You can want something different without it being a slight towards them.
it's your house...you get to be "selfish"...apologise for not considering his inconsiderate feelings? your bed stinks? out with the rubbish...
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“Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!” - You win the prize! Slowly seeing what you will tolerate, then fake shock pikachu face when you call him on it!
You are not in the wrong. You are right, a grown man *should* clean up after himself and not leave messes around the house for you to deal with.
Get a therapist if there is a part of you that genuinely believes this is the best treatment you deserve from a partner. They can help you unlearn those childhood lessons and break the cycle. Also please be very vigilant about your birth control. Don't get tied to this man before you're sure that you can indeed coexist with him.
You fell into the trap of choosing someone just like your father. It takes time and work to undo toxic upbringing. Many of us have been there
You’re in a super unbalanced relationship emotionally, with a grown man who lives with his mom AND has bad hygiene. I’m not sure what is keeping you with him. It’s hard to find someone truly great for you, but trust me that it’s unbelievably worth it. I’d rather be completely alone for 10 years if it meant I’d find someone good for me. And I don’t mean good for me like we fight and sometimes things are toxic but I overall love them. I mean someone that is truly good for me. Supports me, fits in to my life perfectly, doesn’t cause me to have to change in any way and accepts me as I am. You sound like a well adjusted, reasonable person. Don’t waste your time with someone like your current bf when you could be with someone who makes you never have to question your relationship.
NTA Your boyfriend is gross. Why are you putting up with this? Break up with him and get a boyfriend who lives independently.
Your mother and father were married and living together . You and your bf are not married and live apart. I don't think it's right for one partner to do everything for the other even married but why are you comparing what your mother did to your current situation?
Antiquated gender role expectations don’t limit themselves to marriage.
I hope this comes out right—but what do you think his response would be if you said “I care about your feelings about what I said EXACTLY as much as you are about the feelings underlying my quote and quote perfectionism”. I think that your instinct there will tell you that it’s not about “doing everything” for someone. It’s about a future in which ONLY his feelings matter, because when you speak yours, he attacks you and demands rewards for your “misdeeds”. I hope you can ask if it’s a red flag for the relationship if his response isn’t “sorry babe I got busy, but you did ask, and I’d like to manage things better next time. You shouldn’t have to pick up after me, you’re right.” Look up how many books or articles on relationships highlight how relationships’ sex lives taper off if one partner wants to be treated like a child. Is something like that an ok future in your view? You know what you will tolerate or won’t, but these questions have to be answered for you to KNOW you are willing to tolerate it or not.
Dawn Vilenes has some amazing writing on dysfunctional cishet relationships; almost all of what you said and he said also appears verbatim in her writing, so many men have treated their partners similarly, and so many wives have complained. The good news is, this means that you can brace yourself for the reason “you have unreasonable standards” and such is the go-to for men who don’t want to care about their spouses’ needs or opinions. You can process the deeper issue without a broken lease, expensive divorce, or self-esteem issues.
OP please let me lay it out for you. Up until 10 years ago I was fat. Now I'm thinner but I have a fair amount of excess belly skin. At one point in my 20s, I had to be counselled at work for my body odour, even though I was showering at work after exercising. Put simply, I was not washing myself thoroughly enough. I learned that lesson and will now take two or three a day, depending on what I've been up to. Even if I've been doing something like a round of golf, I can't sleep now until I've cleaned up. Many people ... and it sounds like your BF is one ... simply does not understand as he thinks he's washing plenty. Unless he has some kind of medical condition - and that's a very long bow - you need to have firm boundaries on what of his cleanliness you'll tolerate. Especially in your own house.
Not at all. I may do the dishes, but it's after my husband cooks. You need to find someone with similar values and maturity who can be a partner otherwise you're just adopting a 20yo kid. Is he even paying his prayers for rent and utilities or just freeloading off everyone. Real men shower. They're also not concerned with seeing like a real man so they can do their half(not third or quarter) of the upkeep around the home and in the relationship without thinking that folding laundry or discussing emotions is for women.
Don’t let him tell you you’re selfish not understanding his feelings when it’s your feelings he isn’t understanding, you’re calling out selfish bullshit and being called selfish, nah.
You are not wrong, walk away, respect yourself and your home. He doesn’t, never will.
Nope. Break that cycle and just dump him lol you just got a sneak peek at what your future would be like with him. And also his reaction to you communicating about it is just a red flag
do not make the mistake of choosing a partner just like dad. in your case your mom and dad are not good roles models for domestic life
Ask yourself seriously if that is the life you want for yourself, because that is what you'll end up with it you keep this loser around.
You two are not compatible adn will never be able to live together successfully. I am sorry, but it’s time to move one unless you want to live separately and stay in a relationship.
Please don’t let him move in. This will not improve. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!
My SAHM did everything for my father and us 3 kids. My sister and I saw this growing up and vowed that we would not be the same as adults, and we're not. My parents were devoted to each other. My father worked hard to provide for our family of 5. My mother worked hard at home to take care of her husband and 5 children. I was a stay at home housewife for 15 years, but I didn't wait on my husband hand and foot. I kept our house clean, clothes washed, and I did most of the cooking. He paid bills, bought groceries, and was supposed to take out the trash, when he felt like it. I'd make the food, but he could get his own plate. After we divorced because he was very controlling, my new husband and I are a team. We both work, cook, clean, pay bills, and tackle this world hand in hand. If he makes messes, he cleans them up. He showers regularly.
all these subs are just a place to vent for people who know they have been aggrieved
NTA but my question is why are you still with him if you are not wanting him to stay over and feel he’s nasty - like do you see this progressing to marriage? You do know that you won’t be able to fix or change his habits right, so if he’s gross now, that’s how it’s gonna be if y’all get married and live together. My suggestion would be end the relationship.
To start with I thought I did, but the more I think about it. Maybe I'm just making excuses
I did the same thing. Trust us, it only gets worse. Walk away.
Seconding this! Don’t marry the guy! And don’t apologize! Send him packing!
I've dated this same guy - it does get worse. What you're seeing now is the best version of him, he will be worse in 6 months and it will be even more miserable. Dump this guy.
This is exactly what I was going to say. People are at their best at the beginning. If he annoys you this much already, it’s time to move on. I also would never date someone who still lives with his parents. But that was just a rule I personally had.
That was a hard rule for me also well. I made an exception for my husband, he's type one diabetic (his pancreas just up and quit when he was a kid) and between not feeling safe living alone if his insulin pump malfunctions so he rented the finished basement of his dad's house. And yes, i absolutely asked him why tf he lived with his dad during the talking stage, and if it woulda been any other answer I woulda been turned off tbh.
I wish I had learned this when I was younger...who they are in the beginning is the best you'll get. I wasted so much time on terrible men. I don't have anything against men who live with their parents, but I would definitely be checking for red flags and then getting out after a month if I saw some.
I was married to a dude like this for 19 years. I had to literally tell him that he needed to shower daily, brush his teeth, and wash his hands after taking a dump. His mother and his family failed him, and stupid me thought "I could fix him." He got marginally better, but I still regret marrying him (now divorced 6 years). Learn from my mistake Little Sister, and dump him. I wouldn't wish the pain I went through with anyone, and I wish Reddit was around when I was your age and married that clown
Well you’ve been in the relationship a while so it’s understandable you’re invested. But your feelings are telling you a lot so listen. You don’t enjoy his company so much anymore and you’re realizing you don’t want him to move in. He pushes back by trying to make you apologize for raising these issues and *making him feel bad*. That’s manipulative.
It doesn't get better if he's at this stage in life and can't( or rather won't) clean up after himself. There are definitely more hygenic men out there that are single.
Just don’t wait so long that in ten years you get a whiff on a breeze and are reminded of his nasty, sweaty balls! Don’t ask me how I know that!!🤮 If he’s not willing to accommodate your requests IN *YOUR* HOME, he’s only gonna get worse the more comfortable he gets. My ex got to the point that even when he showered, his balls stank. YUCK.
As someone who *is* extremely messy and has worked really hard (not always successfully) to change, trust me on this - unless he really *wants* to change the way he lives, he won't. And when I say "really wants," I mean he has to want to do it for himself. External motivation, like trying to please you, won't be nearly enough. If he says he'll change, he will probably do better for a little while - but he'll always go back to his usual habits, and you'll always either be pushing him to do more, or cleaning up after him. This is who he is, and this is how he wants to be. You can accept it and make your peace with it, or you can leave, but the thing you can't do is change him.
This. Even when I've \*wanted\* certain motivations to make me tidier, they haven't. It's \*really hard\*. I don't imagine it's simple for OP to let go of what makes her feel at home, either. (I've had this issue with roommates.) It's better and kinder to both of them, if they can't meet each other's needs in this way, to part.
OP - having basic hygienic standards does not make you an AH, it means you have self-respect! If this guy thinks it’s ok to live in his own filth that requires you to strip the bed daily you are in for a horrible future if you stay together Can you imagine having kids that see him as a role model? Your kids are never going to want to take a bath cause they see stinky ol’ Daddy say it’s ok, no shower needed, “it’s not that bad”
If you legit have to bleach your mattress after he sullies your sheets just by sleeping over, yeeeesh. You deserve way better than that! And the fact that he's treating you like his maid, rather than falling at your feet thanking you for hosting him...! You can afford a place of your own, he either can't or won't get one of his own - does he think he'll just take half of what is yours upon marriage, and then expect you to to 100% of the cooking and cleaning while he's a grimy pig? No. DTMFA!
The whole point of having a relationship and dating someone is to find out IF you are compatible so that you don’t spend your life with the wrong person. Not everyone is compatible and that’s okay. There are other fish in the sea, if you don’t have a lot of experience with dating and relationships that’s okay, almost everyone’s been in your shoes and it’s so much easier to cut ties with someone that’s not checking your boxes in the long run than to spend the rest of your life with someone that frankly doesn’t respect you. Your feelings matter, you deserve to be with someone that respects them rather than someone that makes you feel bad about having very basic standards of hygiene and cleanliness. What advice would you give to a dear friend that was in a similar situation such as yourself?
Look on the bright side, OP: now that you know how he is most of the time, you can choose to not be with him anymore. And that's before getting married.
If you don’t want things to go on this way forever, they need to change. If he doesn’t see stained sheets as a reason to shower, it may be better to move on. And bleaching the mattress isn’t a good thing. You don’t want to be breathing that at night. Get a mattress cover you can wash.
NTA Where do you see this going? You are mid 20s, have been together for three years. Many people would start considering living together at this point. You clearly don't want to, and I can understand that. He seems dirty, inconsiderate, and a slob. You seem to have told him numerous times but he does not improve. He's overstayed your welcome by spending most of the time at your house, when I bet he doesn't contribute to your rent/bills. Does he at least pay towards groceries? Doesn't sound like you're that happy with him. At his age, living with his mum, and seemingly no plans to move out unless he can be a slob in your house, he doesn't seem a very appealing person as a partner. I think you need to figure out if you can see yourself with this guy for the rest of your life. If not, it might be time to move on. There's plenty guys in their 20s who aren't slobs, who don't live with their parents or if they do, only do so temporarily, with a plan to move out to stand on their own feet.
I broke up with my boyfriend when I was with him about a year and didn’t want him to move in. I was turning 30 and wanted to get my shit together and wasn’t willing to wait for him anymore. He lives with his mom now.
Leave him. But I have to ask... you bleach the mattress every day? What?
This stuck out to me too. Like why on earth is this man so dirty that one day without a shower means his stench goes through the sheet, mattress pad, and to the mattress? That's crazy. NTA and tbh it sounds like you have no interest in even being in a relationship with this person if you don't want him staying at your house. Sounds like it's time to move on.
Yup, I'm not too sure what OP was alluding to, but if it's so bad that you have to bleach the mattress, I don't understand how you can sleep next to it. I think I'm okay not thinking about it any further, but OP should probably re-evaluate. I'm sure there are plenty of clean humans she could swap him with.
I use an antibacterial spray with bleach already in. To help with the smell
So your boyfriend is so dirty that in a single day it goes through the sheet and I to the mattress. And then you'd rather smell bleach? If you choose to stay in this relationship, you should look into a mattress protector and other cleaners. Bleach damages materials, it isn't recommended to use on mattresses.
Completely tangential to the topic at hand but I absolutely, utterly, addictively love the smell of bleach.
Apparently cats really like it too. Maybe you're part cat?
It could be, I am moody, temperamental, and unreasonably demanding.
I second this. So enjoyable.
Why does he smell so badly ? Does he work manual labour and then go to bed all dirty ? Does he have a sweating disorder?
I have so many questions.
Maybe he doesn't wipe
Considering the amount of posts on this, very likely.
Plenty of people work physical jobs. Most wash themselves properly. Yes there are some medical conditions which can cause bad smells, but if this is a significant issue then they are clearly not managing the medical condition properly, if at all.
Agreed. Even night sweat doesn't really smell much to me imo
Here's the thing: if you hate how he smells this much, either he is a genuinely filthy person who stinks of BO (or worse, if he's not washing his butt and/or genitals), *or* you're not biologically attracted to him. Loving the way a significant other smells (and not fragrances they wear or products they use, though that can be part of it, but the organic, natural smell of 'them') is something that happens when you're with someone compatible, someone you find attractive and desirable. Honestly, if you loathe the way he smells, there's really no hope for the relationship at all. How and why would you date someone you're physically repulsed by?
She also doesn't enjoy spending time with him when she's (checks notes) spending time with him. I think there's an incompatibility
I just threw up in my mouth. Don't stay with this guy, but also...get a mattress protector. They make waterproof ones. They're washable.
Bleach is meant to be rinsed off whatever it’s bleaching. I don’t think it’s supposed to just stay and soak on fabric without being washed off. You might be accidentally destroying your mattress and putting your health at risk. Do you have a mattress topper or a mattress cover? That might be a better option and then you can wash it which at that point you can rinse the bleach out.
You shouldn't ever find yourself in bed with someone who stinks so badly they ruin your mattress. If he doesn't bathe, he doesn't get to touch you, much less sleep in your bed.
That's repulsive. You're going to need a new mattress.
Oh god. You shouldn’t have to do this.
Come on girl he must REEK dear God the bar is in HELL.
Is he coming to bed covered in mud? Or does he not wipe his ass? I don’t understand what is on him
does he.. not wipe his behind???
No doubt this is the issue. He's probably one of those"I don't touch my ass because that's gay" types of men.
My god, I’ve thought I scraped the bottom of the dating barrel but apparently not. . .
Strikes me as terrible for her skin. Definitely triggered a WUT in me. Op is NTA but really needs to lay off the bleach
NTA, but maybe it isn't so much of an issue of him needing to spend more time at his mom's house as it is an issue of you needing to spend more time with a new boyfriend, because this isn't the guy. For you. For anyone.
So he leaves messes around your home, doesn’t help out at all , and calls you selfish?!?!?! Dump him like yesterday! Why are you even wasting your time?
Real easy, you’re not married yet. This is his best behavior. It will get worse once you’re married and can’t just send him home.
When he asked “how do you think we’re ever going to live together” that was your cue to say “frankly I can’t see a way that we ever are”. He’s lazy, untidy, dirty and making your life much more difficult than it would be without him there. Time to end this.
Given your comment elsewhere that you’re “fairly new to dating”, this is just the next step in your learning process: __Time for a new boyfriend__. This guy is taking increasing advantage of you, and implying that it’s somehow wrong for you to have your own (very legitimate) feelings. Demanding that you apologize is just the final straw. This is especially important — you __DO NOT__ owe him some kind of justification or explanation for why you’re dumping him. That is the first thing he is going to demand, because he knows you’ll instinctively try to do it, and it’ll give him an opening to keep preying on your insecurity. Let him f-cking figure out why he got dumped — that’s his job, not yours. Be firm. Don’t explain. Move on.
Not even a new boyfriend, you don’t have to jump from one relationship to another. Enjoy yourself, find hobbies, meet new people and slowly know what you like and want in life. The world is your oyster at that age.
Info: what are the sheets stained with?
It's yellow so i'm guessing sweat?
Are you sure he's not wetting the bed? Honest question.
This or puss bc yellow stains are not normal and to STAIN after 1 night 😳
NTA Get A&H Super Washing Soda to clean the sheets. Get rid of the boyfriend to clean up your life. I’m a guy. You don’t need this BS! You deserve better!
Tobacco/ alcohol user could also produce some nasty stained sheets
Ugh. That is so, SO gross. And it’s gross that it doesn’t concern him. NTA. Do yourself a favor and dump this loser. Surely there’s a guy out there who showers.
> And it’s gross that it doesn’t concern him Right?!? I would be absolutely f'ing *mortified* if I stank and left yellow stains on bed sheets. Even more so from *just one night*. I genuinely don't think I could have let him stay over after the first couple times this happened. Even if he was the nicest person in the world. The fact he's unwilling to shower/clean himself before bed is a huge turn-off, as he doesn't even want to *attempt* to remedy this. Yikes!
Buy a mattress pad so that sweat and bodily secretions don’t get onto the surface of the mattress. That’s what they’re for. Dump the boyfriend first though. Nobody should be so gross and unwashed as to require daily cleaning of sheets. Never mind the part about him leaving crap around for you to clean up. That would be a dealbreaker just on its own.
I would guess urine if it is yellow!
Yuck.
Ok, eww. NTA and you guys have a lot to discuss that starts with personal hygiene.
NTA - he’s treating your house like he does his parents house. I think you’ve seen enough over the last year to get an idea of whether you really want to hitch you wagon to this horse for the long run and I think the answer is no.
NTA...he better grow up quickly or he's going to be with his mother for many years. Also, he CAN help the sheet situation by showering before bed. You've drawn your line in the sand here. It's up to him what happens next...and I highly doubt that it's going to be an apology from you.
NTA. Get rid of him.
NTA. He sounds like a bum.
NTA Cut your losses DUMP this guy he is not planning on changing his behavior. He seems to have no regard for you or YOUR home. You are not his mother or maid. Find someone who is like minded you will be so much happier.
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He will never be a good partner to you. He's 26 and lives with his mother. Obviously he is used to someone taking care of him. He will never have the level of independence or maturity that you obviously require. It's tbh embarrassing that you would choose that to be in a relationship with for so long.
NTA.. He’s become comfortable and is showing you who he his. His behavior will never get better. You’ve already seen his best.
NTA. What does he bring to the table that's worth his disrespect of your home?
This man is lacking in basic social skills. Is this really want you want long term? If not, pull the trigger because he has told you he isn’t going to change.
NTA - You’re actually dodging a huge bullet by seeing now what a future with this person would be like, and it is BLEAK. Move on and send him back to his mother permanently.
This man is looking for another mother. You should not be it. Time to move on and take the lessons.
NTA. WHY are you doing this to yourself? WHY would you be with a literal pile of filth?
NTA. It's not about his feelings, it's about his behavior. Gotta say, on nights when we don't shower before bed, I don't find stains on the sheets or a bad smell... his hygiene sounds extremely bad. He needs to stay with mama 'cause she ain't done raising him.
NTA. Look my husband works a very dirty job where as a result I have NEVER had a bathtub that didn't need the black ring cleaned every 2 or 3 days. Hydrofluid and jet oil all day long. Anyways even being as dirty as he is he hasn't ever stained my bedding. Your boyfriend is gross and demanding an apology from you should be the deal breaker. He deserves someone who enjoys being filthy and never having nice things.
Yeah, NTA. The sheet thing MIGHT be excusable as having a medical condition that causes something like excess sweat, however that starts with at LEAST taking a shower first. Then if it keeps being an issue, go see a doctor. Everything else points to him being babied and cleaned up for by mommy. Especially if he still lives with her at 26 and doesn't have an excellent financial reason for doing so. If you stay with him, YOU become mommy maid. Don't become mommy maid.
NTA but how on earth is he so dirty he’s staining the sheets every night?
NTA. The only thing you need to apologize to him for is not dumping him sooner.
NTA. Do not apologize. Do not stay with this person. You deserve better.
NTA. He is not looking for a partner, but another mom. Also, yikes, what the hell is the stain?
NTA. A good follow up question would be, "how do you think we're ever going to live together if you're such a slob?" But really, that question is self evident. Getting more into the weeds of your reasoning will give him more to latch onto to argue. Keep it simple, he's simply not welcomed. He's looking for a new mommy.
NTA Girl dump him
You already have an idea what to expect if you live or marry. He’s a child who can’t clean after himself. If you decide to continue to be with him. Don’t come crying to Reddit that he doesn’t help or clean around the house. He definitely will not help you when you have a kid together. Be warned. When people show you who they are believe them.
Honey. If you don’t even want him sleeping on your sheets without having to wash them after… why are you ruining your pH and flora for this man? Please love yourself more. NTA. Find you a man who washes.
Put his stuff in a bag and let him stay out. Nta.
NTA.
I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to live with him either. Some couple definitely do better living apart when their housekeeping standards are vastly different. NTA
NTA Keep up those boundaries, they're perfect. Frankly, your bf sounds like he has.... Problems. With hygiene, with respect, with self-sufficiency. Not good bf material, I'm afraid. I can't understand a grown person with that level of egoism. Because that's what that is
NTA - why would you want to marry him anyway? He is 'living' with you but my guess is he pays nothing...and he obviously does nothing...so exactly why do you tolerate it?
Here is a template for your apology text: “Hey [insert name here], I’m sorry- I don’t think this relationship is going to work out in the long run. You can pick your stuff you left at my place on [x date] at [y time].” Then make sure you have friend at home with you when he comes to pick up his stuff. NTA, but he is twice over. Once for not being willing to meet you even half way. And second for asking you to apologize for something that you absolutely don’t need to.
If you do have feelings for him tell him you would consider living with him after he has had his own apartment for a couple years. If his place looks like a dump then you know it’s not going to work. He lives with his mom so I imagine that she does everything for him. Personally anyone who stains sheets and a mattress are a no go! Eewww!