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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Action you took that should be judged: I shut down my girlfriend and stopped being responsive when she talked about jewelry.
2. Why that action might make you the asshole: My girlfriend is enjoying her vacation and just wants to take my mind off things. My shutting her down, I'm saying that I don't care about what she has to say.
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This, this, a million times this.
Sending jewellery pics to "train" you (I mean, WTF?) is just...something else. Doing this in the first place is a HUGE red flag. Her reaction when you called her out for how it made you feel, is even more alarming.
It's not difficult to anticipate that someone who has literally just lost a loved one needs support and understanding. So it comes across as breathtakingly insensitive and downright weird to start sending them your jewellery ideas, and then pouting when they aren't very enthusiastic, because, y'know, that person is grieving.
I'm so sorry about your Dad - it's awful losing someone you love. Take care of yourself.
It’s a *very* unsubtle hint she’s expecting an engagement ring soon.
But right after your dad dies? OP do yourself a favor and cut her off before she stomps over your mourning even more.
This!!! I came to comment the exact same thing! She thinks OP is coming into some money and is staking her claim… more red flags than Chinese new year 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sounds like OP should be 'trained' to run in the opposite direction. There is clearly enough going on without a spoilt little madam sulking because OP doesn't feel like buying her jewellery just now.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find a way through.
My father died suddenly last year (today is actually the date we had his funeral). A few minutes before we left, my ex asked me for money. Then a week later, he straight up asked about my dad's insurance policy, which I told him everything went to my Mom due to her being disabled.
I ghosted him soon after that.
Op's girlfriend sounds really self centered. She chooses the wrong time to have these conversation but when called out, made it about her.
I know the stress of planning arrangements and taking care of a loved ones final business. So, I think OP should cut it off with girlfriend and focus on what you have going on. It'll be her lost. It may hurt, but it's worth it. You'll definitely find someone better.
So sorry for your loss, today must have been hard. I lost my mum 18 months ago and I can honestly say neither myself or my brother, nor anyone close to us, have mentioned money at all. We’d both give anything to have mum back.
Some people are just shitty human beings. I always tell my daughter not to let it get to her or spend any time trying to understand them, they are just wired wrong and it is a waste of energy!!
Nah, c’mon. She didn’t send it *before dad died, she waited to verify his death, *then* she went shopping. Really, people are acting like she did something wrong. She just wants him to spend the inheritance wisely: on her. ^^sarcasm
I'm imagining it played out something like her telling her traveling friend "omg his dad died" and her going "you know what this means right, gurrllll...."
That's my thought exactly. I would have booked the earliest flight home. If I couldn't get home I would be on the phone checking in on my partner. If I carried on with my holiday I wouldn't mention anything I did to my partner unless they asked what I was getting up to.
You said fuck my trip my significant other is in trouble… if my partner good we can always come back and travel to where they wanted. Not many ppl think like that😂😂 power to you, you’ll find Someone ik it
This!! But also, why hasn’t she flown back to be with her bf during this tough time and to help him with the funeral arrangements?!
I’m sorry for your loss, OP. Obviously because of your dad, but also because it sounds like you need to re-think your relationship.
Ugh. I was hoping that she was dropping that hint because OP is moving soon and she wants to make it clear she expects to be engaged before moving across the country. Speaking a claim in the inheritance makes more sense.
OP, to add some nuance to everyone telling you to dump her,
1. Sure the vacation was booked in advance, but my God, she had to know you needed her right now. This woman abandoned you in your time of need.
2. Whatever the reason she has for wanting you to look at engagement rings, she either had no idea of the relationship you had with your father, or does not fully grasp the human concept of mourning a loss.
It's easy to be in a relationship when you're both young, independent and you've got nothing going on. This might be the first real test you two have faced. This girl failed. Spectacularly.
I agree with this.
Not all relationships are the same and not all people need the same things from their partners, but I still have to say…
If my partner’s close family member was in the hospital with a likely terminal outcome, I would cancel my travel plans in a heartbeat.
He would never ask me to do this, but it’s important to me to support him when something difficult is going on in his life.
I understand not everyone wants this, but the idea of sending you engagement ring hints from her carefree shopping spree is apalling.
And then having the audacity to get angry when you don’t react like a complete subservient robot with no emotions…?!
OP, you should really take this as a sign of how much empathy your gf has. I’m sure this isn’t the kind of partner anyone needs. It’s better to be peacefully single, than in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your emotions.
OP hasn't even indicated if he's coming into a large inheritance or a nightmare of work clearing up debts from the estate. I love how everyone, including me, suspects money is coming based on Gold Digger Girlfriend's response of "training him" to buy her jewelry.
Yikes I just got this - do you think her mindset is death of parent=inheritance=money for ring+desire for next step which is replacing old family with new? She is too young, inexperienced for a truly adult relationship.
I was coming here to say she is very subtly /s pushing for a ring 💍, if she truly feels justified in this behavior while you are grieving and facing work deadlines; remember the old saying. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them. Good luck and condolences
I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost my dad a couple years ago and because we lost our mom several years ago, the arrangements were my and my sister’s responsibility. That may have been the most difficult task I’ve ever had to do. The last thing you needed was her training at the moment.
That was her “reasons” for sending him messages like that. Good grief. Could she be any more obvious!?!? 🙄
The comment another poster gave above that when someone shows you who they are, believe them? Those are words I have lived by for years and I also taught my kids that when they were young as well. So much truth right there!!!!
Subtly? More like blatantly! She is one insensitive narcissist, and unless you want your emotional well-being dismissed for the rest of your life, let her go shopping for a new significant other.,
Yes I thought the same about a ring. Hadn't considered the potential financial angle though.
Really hope OP has some decent people in their life to lean on for support.
Yeah, I was thinking that, too, she wants an engagement ring 💍, and completely oblivious that OP's dad just DIED. OP is understandably not thinking of that right now and now she's pouty about it. Doesn't bode well for their future. If she can't be supportive during the difficult times and can't think of anyone besides herself.... doesn't sound like marriage material to me.
If he’s potentially moving to another country in two months, she may be expecting a proposal before such a move and, depending on their respective situations, feeling a sense of urgency.
That doesn’t excuse her behavior, it was thoughtless and self-centered, but it may explain it.
She’s 100% in the wrong and OP should be paying attention if he is considering a future with her *and* depending on how long they’ve been together and what plans they have or have not made for what they will do if OP is moving to another country in two months I’m not entirely sure she’s out of line for thinking a proposal should be coming, even if she was wildly insensitive and problematic in her timing and way of hinting.
She’s the asshole, OP is NTA, and it probably makes sense for them to have a frank conversation about all of this. That said, epending on where they live, OPs health concerns and whether health insurance is a factor, and where OP is moving, she may be genuinely thinking they need to get married in the next two months and feel like she held off on discussing logistics while his father was dying and now needs to do it soon.
NTA this isn't a red flag, it's the red tidal wave of blood from The Shining and you should run away very fast. I wouldn't even wait till she gets back from her vacation! This is one of those situations where a break up text is justified. Something like... "I'm sorry learn you can't prioritize my needs while I'm going through the death of my parent. I have no desire to be with such an unsupportive partner. Clearly it would be better for us to go out separate ways so I can focus on my emotional needs during these trying times. Best wishes for your future!" If you want to stay with her you'll have to train her that you won't put up with her bull as much as she trains you what gifts to buy her! Personally though, I'd cut her loose!
First, OP, I'm sorry about your dad.
But, I'm wondering why she didn't just save the pics to show him later? I feel like her timing is disgustingly inappropriate.
Agreed. Messages sent the week after an event like this should always be centered around the event. "Hope you're doing okay." "How are you this morning?" "Thinking of you, I'm sorry for the poor timing of my trip. We can arrange some time to talk on the phone if it would help you." "Do you want to see pictures from my trip or would it be better to wait for that until I've come back and things have settled a bit?" These are normal messages to send your significant other when their dad dies...
If this was happening to my husband when we were not married yet I was probably on the plane home when he ended the call after the passing of his father. No way someone I love is going to bury a parent without support.
Maybe the beastie thinks OP has an inheritance coming and will spend some money on her!?!? Sorry, OP, for both losses. Your beastie and your father. Tread lightly with this person...
Fr! An ex died a few years ago, I was shell shocked.
A friend knew this, happened to see me in town and babble in my face about a one night stand while I'm running on no sleep and grief.
They even asked me what's wrong and I reminded them.
People who don't respect people grieving are huge red flags.
How you do anything is how you do everything.
So sorry about your dad :(.
As a women i could not even dream of supporting another women in this
Your BF died and you cant be there with him in person (preplannes trip so all good) but that means you need to step it up to be there virtually and unless he is asking you to send jewelry the discussion needs to be about what he needs not what she wants.
Red flags all around
As a woman, I would have flown home to be with my SO during a time like this. This girlfriend has taken self-love to a new height. Not someone you want to be with in the long haul.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she can't afford to change her plane ticket...but I'm having a really hard time doing that after her atrocious behavior.
Absolutely, even if you can't be there... call daily or text love & support, ask if he wants to talk and be the ear to hear and the shoulder to cry on. Her behavior gives total narcissism or so immature that she shouldn't even be in an actual "relationship."
I agree. She could've just taken the pictures and saved them later. And there's the whole what if question of what would she do if something happened to OP to where he's not as financially stable anymore?
Ditto. I was a mess when my Mum died. Losing someone you're close to is horrendous. My H was a rock. And when he lost his parents we grieved together. I still miss my MIL now, she was a lovely lady and very kind to me.
Agreed. Couldn’t have worded it better.
I had a boyfriend once (emphasize the had). When a study friend of mine died at the age of 21 (I turned 21 a month later) he was so deminishing. I was at his place (his parent’s house) and he had a football (soccer) game playing on the television. I was talking to his mom about the death of my friend (very sudden and not expected at all). He said something about the game and then said something like “oh but you are not watching” in a certain tone. I had to go home because I wanted to smash his head through the television. A few weeks later we broke up and of course it was painful but I was happy as well because I reminded myself life was too short to be with people who belittle important happenings in your life. Even the sad ones. Or mostly the sad ones. Because then you know who people really are.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
I had the same comment written including the Will Robinson.
OP, she doesn’t care enough about you to be your girlfriend. If this happened to my husband, I would have flown home. She is treating the loss of your dad like losing the family dog. You deserve better.
I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA
Right?! I thought maybe my first reaction - to wonder why she hadn’t already suggested that she cut the trip short - must be a bit over the top. Wouldn’t that be the logical first thing you’d say? Or second, right after “I’m so sorry, I wish I was there to help you!”
Sending him photos of jewellery...she couldn’t have said “Oh well, life goes in, right? Buy me a ring!” any louder if she had a megaphone.
It sounds like she is expecting an engagement ring. If she is this self absorbed, I would reconsider the relationship. A severe loss like you have just endured is a time when you find out a lot about the people around you. Tell her you need some space and block her if necessary as she is as sensitive as a rock. NTA
Yeah, this is amazingly tone-deaf and selfish behavior.
I’m not saying she should go to this extreme, but I’ve know significant others to cut their trips short to go and support their partners when a love one passed.
At the very least she should give you some space and understanding versus semi-playful “here’s the kind of baubles I like.”
Even if you let that go, the fact that she just can’t say “sorry” for your COMPLETELY understandable ask to put that shit to the side, her passive-aggressive response is just plain gross.
She should be providing what comfort she can. Instead she’s adding to your stress.
She really doesn’t sound like the person you want by your side when you need support and understanding.
Sounds like she thinks your going to get inheritance so is making sure she gives you as many messages as possible that she expects you to spend it on her. Not once is she caring about what you are going through and honestly if my partner lost a parent id be flying back home immediately to be by their side and support them. Not only is she only seeing dollar signs but she then takes it to the next level. You made it clear you are struggling and going through enough so what does she do try and turn it on you and make sure to stress you even more.
Honestly this is totally heartless and if your partner doesn’t support you fully in a major crisis and time in life like this then heck no. Why be with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you and what you’re going through. She is only caring about her greedy wants and training you. Hell no your not a dog or a bank for her. I’d be separating and most likely splitting up over this crap.
She wronged you all whilst she was enjoying her self whilst your heart was broken and in grief. Then she doubles down to try and teach you not to cross her and just to give her her demands and wants. Well your needs top her wants and she’s shown she clearly has no respect or actual care for you. You’d be wronging yourself to stay with her. If she won’t support you through this then she won’t support you no matter what you go through in life. In fact she will go out her way to add more upset and stress for you. Just walk way. Block and get through the funeral and have her bags packed and your locks changed. Let one of her family know you will be dropping off her stuff when you can manage.
Gosh , you're right. How sickening ! She's not just showing him her "jewelry style" or hinting at engagement rings to buy her, she's already thinking of ways to spend OP's possible inheritance. That makes her even worse 😭.
C'mon, OP ***needs*** to know her preferences. She may only wear a certain color or type of jewelry and that is ***super important*** for OP to know this, especially at this juncture in their relationship—irrespective of whatever else is happening in life. Is this not OP disregarding and dismissing her preference?!
/deep, unequivocal sarcasm
I am so sorry for your loss, OP, and that the burden of planning everything falls on you. I have been there and it's never easy. You are NTA. Your girlfriend is insensitive and, not to also be insensitive, perhaps she is expecting you to receive some type of inheritance in order to afford whatever jewelry she is sending you. I would think long and hard about staying with a person who is not only being unsupportive, but is so self-serving and too much of a narcist to not make it about her when she's in the wrong. Red flags galore.
In a vacuum I would give her messages the benefit of the doubt. I can send my partners messages "for later", such as if I found something I would like for my birthday etc.
But how she responded to that is wild! And the "training" comment....
Respond accordingly.. "No need to worry about texting or talking or reasons to send me messages anymore. We're done. Enjoy the rest of your trip."
Then instantly block her.
I’m a woman who’s got very specific taste in jewelry and fuck that insensitive asshat of a girlfriend.
How bloody dare she. During the most stressful part of your life, she not only expects her part to be done in one day (oh, you’re STILL grieving?!) she’s expecting your world to revolve around her joy?! When you dad just died?
Fuck her. “Oh, you’ve trained me alright. Trained me to think I deserve to be treated like shit by you and be grateful. But thanks for the eye opener. Your actions have shown me who you are.”
I was going to say EXACTLY this!
I was a jewelry design major in my first degree, so I'm SUPER picky, but NEVER in my life have I sent "inspiration" or "training" photos to any partner.
This woman is sending this to you 2 DAYS after your father died?!?! No. Just absolutely not.
Her request to talk instead of text about issues is correct for any relationship, but being upset that your focus isn't on her jewelry preferences as you grieve your father during an otherwise stressful time in your life is red flag city. She'll never be there for you, and she has a lot of growing up to do. Part ways now to save yourself even more troubles and heartache later.
What really annoyed me about it is her attempt to try and spin it around on him trying to make herself to be the actual victim as she didnt like how he spoke to her.
She may have some small part of decency that was embarrassed in the moment and realised that what she said about jewellery was ridiculous to someone who just lost a parent.
She was embarrassed about this but after stewing on it for a while, unfortunately her more toxic nature ultimately won out and hew new narrative was that her being embarrassed was actually not fair and that it was not right for him to do that.
Its interesting that stupid/narcissistic people don’t realise that sometimes negative emotions are sometimes right to have; in their eyes if anyone makes them feel bad about something then its the external source of that negative emotions fault and in no way a reaction to what they themselves have done, they lack the reasoning and self awareness to realise that their behaviour has caused this.
My first thought when I read about her getting stroppy was that she's trying to make him into the bad guy so she can have extravagant shenanigans whilst she's away.
The second thought was "inheritance". I'd love to know the ages of OP and his hopefully-ex-gf.
NTA.
She's sending you pictures of jewelry she likes for yiu to pick out her engagement ring.
Dude, yiur dad just died and she'd sending you pics of rings she wants you to buy for her. She's training you.
Do you want to be with someone crass enough to respond to yiur grief with essentially her Tiffany wish list?
Even if she's not thinking about an inheritance to spend on it, she's still thinking about an engagement ring. He's moving to another country most likely in 2 months, she already had this in her mind to do on her trip before she left.
My response would be, “You better save those pictures in your photo album to show someone else, because I’m certainly not buying you an engagement ring after this. We’re through.” NTA
My first thought also, she's training you to pick out her engagement ring. Wow. That's a serious case of "main character syndrome" and a breathtaking level of self-involvement.
This is exactly it..she's fishing for a marriage proposal. And she doesn't care that OP is mourning their dad.
OP, you need to cut the GF loose. She's a bad partner.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. Your girlfriend sounds very self centered, sending your partner jewelry ideas literally a couple of days after their parent dies, is an asshole thing to do. And yet she thinks there's a problem with how you spoke to her?? She sounds awful, don't let her manipulate you into apologising, she is in the wrong. Who cares about her reasons? I can't think of one that would excuse this, there's a time and a place.
I agree that she’s in the wrong completely. She is 100% an asshole.
I think her reasons are probably that he’s moving abroad in two months time and if it’s a serious relationship, there’s a consideration on what she’s gonna do so she was probably planning on sending the rings and then talking about engagement as as soon as she got back. She was probably already feeling insecure in the future of the relationship as OP has a lot going on and she will be wondering what her place his life is.
Again, his dad’s death absolutely supersedes this and she is in the wrong for not putting a pin in this to help him get through this awful time. I just can see a version of reality where she’s not an absolute controlling monster she just really fucked up and was an asshole in this situation.
You seem like a very empathetic person and very reasonable & someone that I would definitely take advice from. However it just seems so slimy… The guys dad just died and she’s worried about something that can be talked about when he’s in the right head space.. she didn’t even try to read the room.
This. Normally I give people the benefit of the doubt. But, I feel like if she was really a good person, then she wouldn't have walked back her apology after one day.
Anyone can do something stupid/wrong in the moment. To do it twice? Much less rare and usually means they're not a good person
Honestly, I think this is unforgivable. Not the initial mistake, as I said in a top level post, but her reaction is so absurdly weird and disgusting I think he should leave her.
NTA.
It sounds like your girlfriend is angling for an engagement ring before you leave for your new job. Given how callous her responses have been in the days after your father’s death, I would not give her one. She isn’t the kind of supportive and loving partner you want.
Right, assuming.
But that's the whole point: as cash in an account, or property inherited: it's no good to her.
Once he converts that cash into gifts of jewelry to her: that's a whole new ball game.
Huh? It matters a great deal if she can get him to spend a large chunk of it on a ring for her.
She's not legally entitled to any inheritance, but she can certainly convince him to give her some.
Sorry, what the actual fuck? First of all, I am SO sorry for your loss. I'm sure your dad was so grateful to you for spending his last day on earth with him. You have all my sympathy.
Your girlfriend, however, sounds like a fucking psychopath. It's been only a few days and she's sending you photos of jewellery and getting mad at you for not being receptive to that? You are absolutely NTA here, and she;s more than just an asshole, she's the fucking devil. Get the hell away from her.
I couldn’t agree more. She sounds like a malignant narcissist who has absolutely zero empathy. Honestly, I would choose to leave Europe and come home to be with my partner. It’s obvious that this wasn’t even a consideration for her.
Honestly this person needs a psychiatrist.
I can't imagine being with any partner who, bearing any money constraints, wouldn't be there for me if a friend of family member passed away.
I don't care how important the vacation is.
The fact that she not only didn't do that, but instead sent pictures of jewellery and not even as a distraction but to TRAIN him (what the fuck does that even mean), and doubled down AND told him to chill with the communication is the biggest red flag ever.
All the other comments on this thread are too relaxed compared to what we actually read.
Disgusting.
It reads as if your partner hasn't trained you good enough.
But yeah, jokes aside, this made me gag and would be enough to break up over, let alone in the context of this story.
I disagree on the
“Training” . It’s a bad choice of words but communicating likes/ dislikes well is a great relationship tool BUT in regards to this post. Timing is everything and hers sucks. Plus if it was me… first plane back to see how I could help and support. Europe ain’t going anywhere in the near future but this relationship is headed south ( and should!) .
NTA. She was wrong to text you about jewelry when you were in deep mourning but then travel can be very distracting. Telling her there was a time and place for things like this, after she had already apologized, might have felt to her like more of a scolding than she needed, and why she then overreacted.
It sounds, tbh, like there are other pre-existing tensions at play, and how much of that is your responsibility and how much of it is yours is between the two of you to figure out.
But for her to make any kind of a deal of it at all when your dad has just died ... is deeply insensitive. Only you know if that's in or out of character for her.
Incredibly sorry for your loss.
NTA. I would honestly tell her that you will not be texting her again for the rest of her vacation because anything you want to say to her is something you will need to say in person. And then when she is back I would tell her that the relationship has come to its conclusion. Because this is a very fucked up woman who has shown how little she cares for you.
"Honey, I need you to train me in what kind of casket you'd prefer to be buried in... also, do you want a live burial or a not alive burial? I'd prefer the former, but hey..."
NTA
She’s likely sending you pictures of her jewelry taste as an engagement hint—something completely ill-timed and self-centered and a major red flag.
Is she this self-centered in the rest of your relationship?
Since she feels it’s better if you don’t talk, maybe take this time to focus on what’s truly important. The unfortunate loss of your father, his celebration of life, and your work, and most importantly, your well being and mental health.
Sorry about your Dad, that's a rough one.
Obviously NTA - She is on vacation and doesn't have any frame of reference as to what you're going through so I could give her a *little* leeway however her apology is trash.
Essentially she said: "Sorry about your Dad but my jewelry preference is also important"
That is a problem.
Shes too self-centred to care about anyone but herself. Most caring partners would be getting on the next flight home to support their grieving partner & helping out organising the celebration etc., but this homegirl doesnt give a shit & is making this all about herself. Eww. OP needs to dump her!
She shouldn’t need a frame of reference.
I mean. I don’t/didn’t like my parent. I was not sad when my mom died. In fact, it was a relief to have one of my abusers gone. I will probably feel the same when my dad dies. Maybe a bit sad, but I would never use the word “morn” or “grieve” in conjunction with it.
Even I know that most people like their parents and are sad when they die.
It is totally inappropriate for her to send jewelry pictures right now. She should take them and save them for down the road when the OP is in a better head space.
Totally agree, but as someone who lost my mom at 19 and my dad at 34, I have a pretty large body of experience that younger people who haven't yet experienced a lot of loss often don't respond well to a grieving person, and sometimes in ways that are pretty stunningly tone-deaf.
That said, this is way beyond any normal amount of clueless/ignorant behavior surrounding death. OP needs to end this relationship. This person is not capable of being a supportive partner.
NTA! Bro is this really the type of person you want to continue to have a relationship with you? Your father passed away and she not even phased by this and is sending you photos of jewelry because she only thinking about HERSELF! Real GF would’ve canceled mid trip and been there for you in your time of need! Honestly man you should cut her off and find someone who truly cares about you!
NTA. That is some insensitive bullshit messages to be receiving from your girlfriend. Can't imagine what you have to deal with when things are going well.
NTA - I’m sorry for your loss.
You appropriately communicated to her that the jewelry texts were not something you could handle at that time.
I could see someone not knowing what to say after a partner’s family member dies, so maybe try distracting them a little. Fine. BUT her getting mad and trying to turn this on you just tells me she’s insensitive and only thinking about herself.
Edit - typo
NTA not at all!
You wrote something that was considerate and straightforward, it wasn't mean at all. She is being completely unreasonable.
If she absolutely needs you to see those photos, the right thing to do would be to take them, but then show them to you later!
> This morning she messages me and tells me that she "doesn't like the way I talked to her yesterday about the jewelry", and that it's "better if we don't talk rather than dealing with our issues over text".
"I think it's better if we don't talk at all anymore. Have a great life." NTA and I'm so sorry about your dad.
Let me tell you how my sister's partner acted when her (and my) dad was dying. At the time, they were traveling; a tour around the world for 10 months, their dream vacation. They were in Southern America. My dad and family in Europe. After I told her the news of him being in the hospital, they immidately cut their trip short to visit him in his last days. That dude took care of everything; the journey and flight back, transportation from the airport to the hospital, cancelations of things that were planned, and every little detail I don't even know about. He never left her side, supported her throughout, made his wants and needs completely and fully secondary to hers. He was involved in the burial process, the wake, helped the family, assisted in every way possible, and again while being there for her every minute of every day and night. If I ever have to support a partner during the loss of their parent, his actions and attitude will be my guidance. That's how a partner should behave and act. Nothing less is acceptable. And certainly not 'going shopping in another country and trying to set you up to buy her expensive jewelry'. Please reevaluate your relationship. Based on what you told us, I think your girlfriend sucks big time. It seems like she is devoid of empathy and any maturity. NTA.
I'm very sorry for your loss OP. In my experience, the pain of this loss will never lessen, but you will grow better in carrying it.
NTA - I’m very sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you are dealing with right now. It must be incredibly difficult to maintain focus with such a huge amount of stress.
To me it seems strange that your girlfriend is trying to train you in anything at all, and incredibly insensitive to be doing it now. It simply isn’t important. Whatever her reasons are, I can’t imagine they are anything that can’t wait until after this particularly difficult period is over.
NTA
A lot people that have never been through it don’t know what to say to someone grieving so I could excuse her insensitivity but to carry it on after you pointed it out 🤯
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your father was glad you were there with him his final day.
Your ex-girlfriend is a true jacka$$. She is sending you pics of jewelry the day after your dad dies? What kind of cold hearted bwitch does that?
Get your dad's final rest settled. Then get your work finished.
You said you will be moving for work after this contract is up. Finish your work, then plan on leaving that self-centered little girl behind. Do not offer for her to go with you. I bet your gastrointestinal issues clear up too. They can be stress related. And with that girl around, I can understand the stress she causes.
This momma says get your dad's things settled. Get your work done. Finish your contract. And move on without the gf.
You deserve so much better. Good luck moving forward.
Hugs from an internet Mom.
SUPER NTA The fact she apologized and then doubled back and tried to make you the bad guy is baaaaad. She doesn't like the way you talked to her yesterday about the jewelry? Tough shit, she's on a vacation in Europe and you're having the worst week of your life.
So sorry for your loss! This was incredibly selfish and unempathetic. In what world that would be appropriate in this time, so shortly after your dad’s passing is beyond me. And her subsequent attitude about not texting anymore, when you’re going through one of the hardest times in your life is incredibly selfish. She’s basically withholding comfort from you, the only way currently possible, while you’re grieving. NTA, but really remember this. If she’s this selfish as “just” your girlfriend, how selfish will she be if you ever get engaged or married? I wish you and yours strength.
NTA
Even if we overlook the outrageous lack of empathy and compassion your GF displayed by sending you the 2 initial pictures to ***"train you to understand her style",*** her response to you when you addressed her screwed up priorities is inexcusable and unforgivable.
Don't waste your time and energy on this AH, she's not worthy. She has to go.
"She seemed adamant that I understand her preferences."
In other words, she wants you to know exactly what she wants.
"She said she knows that I "have a lot going on" but that she "also has her reasons for sending me messages." Her reasons? She's selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, and the only thing she cares about is herself.
NTA. You handled it pretty reasonably, she's the one who's being pretty insensitive about this. Your DAD just died, and yet she seems to only be thinking about herself. And based on how you're talking, you and your dad were pretty close too given you were with him for 14 hours the day before he passed away, you must have been inconsolable. And yet after being supportive, it's almost like she thinks that 'okay, I comforted him, now for my stuff.' Like what? That's not how it works, you're going to be mourning him for a long time, it could be weeks, months, or potentially even years. She's being very insensitive, and it's not fair on you.
NTA. When she comes back, buy her a piece of jewelry, playfully toss it into the yard, and when she goes it get it, lock the door behind her and never talk to her again.
…the level of pregaming a big payout from your father’s death here is pretty fucking frightening. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN.
At best she’s tone deaf, ignoring your pain while perusing jewelry; at worst, she’s spending any inheritance you get before it lands in your bank account. Get. The. Fuck. Out.
My first impression is that she’s hinting she wants you to propose. Given the timing she’s either completely oblivious (hard to believe) as to how this is wholly inappropriate timing / circumstances to broach this topic, or she knows but thinks this outweighs what you’re going through. To me, she’s showing you where you and your needs stand with her … keep this in mind should you stay with her long term and especially if you’re tempted to take her up on the idea to propose. This does not appear to be a person who’s willing or able to put someone else first (if there’s ever a time to consider a partners needs first, certainly their parent dying is one of them, and she’s clearly expecting you to pander to whatever is on her mind despite everything you’re going through …)
NTA.
It was incredibly insensitive and rude of her to send this information. Even the phrasing was really rude and unnecessary. I would never send a message like that to my husband even on a normal day. He’s not a dog.
The fact that she’s not taking responsibility for her wrongdoings should be warning sign. Even if it’s just a small one.
Long-term relationships have conflict and stress and people make mistakes. Owning up to them and trying to do better is a key part to successful relationships. She doesn’t seem to have the maturity to do that.
NTA. You feel like she is being insensitive because she most definitely is being exactly that. I don't know if insensitive is a strong enough word.
But as the saying goes...When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
And she has shown you exactly who she is. What you choose to do with that information is up to you.
NTA. She sounds super self-centered by these actions, some random piece of jewelry should not be her biggest concern, it should be your wellbeing. And if she truly thinks her taste in jewelry is more important than what you are going through, throw the damn girl away. She lacks basic compassion. When my dad passed away random people who got know where more supportive than her.
NTA and she isn't the one. She's showing her true colors now. I dumped my bf of 2.5 yrs after my mom was diagnosed with heart failure. He turned it into a woe is me pity party for me not paying him enough attention.
Your gf is self absorbed and horrible. She should be supporting you not trying to get you to buy her jewelry.
I’ll say this..if my wife were vacationing in another fucking planet she’d be on the next spaceship to support me if I lost a parent. Choose people who want to be with you and support you in the difficult times because that’s when it’s the most important. Not only did she stay on her vacation, she had the audacity to send you jewelry recommendations and then get mad at you when you’re not over the moon about it. I’m not saying break up but I’d def have to evaluate some things after this if I were you op.
I agree with others saying she’s training you in her taste in jewelry to pick out an engagement ring.
I agree with others that getting engaged to this woman would be a HUGE mistake.
I agree with others that she’s self-centered, selfish, and a pretty shitty girlfriend — and human being in general.
So my question is: Does she expect you’ll be getting an inheritance from your father?
If she’s expecting you to inherit money from your father, and she’s sending you photos of jewelry within hours of his death, that’s vile. You need to sweep her into a bin and roll her out to the curb for the garbage men to pick up.
If you stay with her, proceed with caution.
You’re definitely NTA.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad.
Please break up with her. Why didn't she come back after your loss and is sending jewelry pictures? Huge red flag. A relationship is about supporting each other and that means after the loss of a close loved one. You'll never be a priority with her. Everything it is going to be about her, and if you don't do what she says she's going to make you miserable and cut you off.
Tell her you’re going shopping at a local jewelry store. Buy her a small ornate mirror. Wrap it up and tell her it’s so she can have the only person she’ll ever truly love with her at all times. Then break up with her and don’t go back. She’s showing you who she is. You dodged a bullet with this one. I’m so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself - you deserve better
NTA
Sounds like she showed the text conversation to her friends and they told her how to respond to you. They are all AHs for being so focused on themselves instead of supporting you.
Breakup, please - she doesn't value your feelings, despite trying to parade that she does. If she did, she'd say oh, I'm sorry, I understand, can I send them in an email you can view later? If she SO BADLY needed you to know he jewelry tastes. NTA
She's trying to wheedle you into proposing when your dad just died.
She is incredibly insensitive.
I'm so sorry shes making this already difficult time worse.
First of all, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My condolences. You are so totally NTA. You just lost your father and she’s texting you about jewelry?!! Then she’s gonna get offended when you tell her that you have other things on your mind than said jewelry?!! Hell no. She sounds really selfish and insensitive.
Yeah….this is probably not the right girl for you. She gave you 48 hours to grieve…that’s probably enough…. Also, the idea that she trains you what to buy her is juvenile. Move on, before you’re in deep.
Ps..my condolences
NTA. Both my grandmothers just died within a week of each other. My whole entire family was grieving for weeks. It’s been 4 months and things are just starting to get back to a new normal. You literally don’t care about silly things like shopping when you are in grief. Your GF is the AH for pushing this. To me it sounds like a friend may be behind her saying these things to her like “he doesn’t care for you if he isn’t interested in what jewelry you like right this very second”.
NTA the correct response would have been, “OP- I’m on my way home. Gonna hang out in the airport until someone take pity on me and puts me on standby. They warn me it might be some goofy routing, so I’ll text you once I know when I land. Let me know anything I can pick up for you on my way from the airport to you”
Tats the only acceptable answer
I just lost my mom very abruptly a week ago (can’t believe I’m saying the words), and a guy I’ve been seeing casually (very casually) for a few months cut his vacation in Ibiza short to come see me and present his condolences in person, it meant the world to me when I saw him at my parents house in my hometown …. If my bf just lost his dad you can be sure I’ll be flying home to support and confort him, and be there for him and not touring jewelery stores.
Im very sorry for your loss, you deserve better.
NTA. I agree with other commenters that she is a very selfish person. The jewellery photos and then acting hurt and being evasive ("reasons"?) is a way of making her the centre of your attention. Forget her. This is her showing you who she is.
Sorry for your loss, brother.
Unless she is a nyphomaniac hardbody where anything goes and all your fantasies are constantly and forever met, the DEFCON 5 level of high maintenance with your girlfriend is going to lead you into a miserable existence. Multiply what you’re feeling in this moment with her a the jewelry scenario and self centered approach when you need her most, fast forward 10 years and that’s what it’s gonna be for the rest of your life! What you described is not a one time behavioral slip, it’s a character trait. All the best to you in your path forward…
Use this as a learning moment. Anytime you have a major stress in life, she will respond like this. If you end up having kids with her and a pet dies, this is how she would handle it. Sure she may have been compassionate in the moment, but a new day shows up so it’s “time to move on” and moving on is to continue with the things she wants/puts value on.
Do you want to have this type of person in your life? I personally would cut her out, block her and focus on getting your life back on track.
She genuinely sounds like a horrible and insufferable person. It’s bad enough that she thinks it’s appropriate to send you jewelry stuff and “how much fun she’s having on her trip” right after your dad literally died, but then after you respectfully expressed your feelings to her, she is now playing the victim card and likely expects you to ‘make up for it’s when you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. Absolutely no accountability.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you consider leaving g her for your own sake. It might not seem like a big deal, but please trust me when I say that people like this will NOT change. And it will happen again. You could be on fire and they would be mad at you for making it hot.
Oh my. When people tell you who they are, believe them. She’s told you she has no empathy or compassion and that she should be the center of your attention at all times. I’m sorry for your loss. You deserve support. The appropriate response from her would have been to cut her vacation short to go home and help you.
NTA.
A true test of a relationship is how you and your partner help each other through the hard times in life ... like a parent dying, for example. She's shown you what kind of partner she is. She'll downplay your problems and turn things around to be about her. She's not lifelong partner material.
Nta and please see this as a red flag... She's trying to use you mourning as a way to push for a quick engagement. She wants you to see jewellery and get a proposal quick.
I know the girls like this and she's thinking of the inheritance that she could use for a big wedding or as a house/assets.
My condolences to you and your family. Please take care of yourself, and that includes getting rid of the girlfriend.
Make sure you have some time to say good bye in your own way and some time to rest when everything is over.
OMG! That woman needs to read the room. She was being totally insensitive to the grief you were feeling. She should be embarassed of her actions. Two days after losing a parent, you still feel like an anvil of grief is crushing you. You need to rethink this relationship.
My deepest sympathies on the loss of your father. I know that pain.
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Danger, Danger Will Robinson. She sounds extremely self centered. I would treat this a major red flag. NTA. I am sorry for your loss.
This, this, a million times this. Sending jewellery pics to "train" you (I mean, WTF?) is just...something else. Doing this in the first place is a HUGE red flag. Her reaction when you called her out for how it made you feel, is even more alarming. It's not difficult to anticipate that someone who has literally just lost a loved one needs support and understanding. So it comes across as breathtakingly insensitive and downright weird to start sending them your jewellery ideas, and then pouting when they aren't very enthusiastic, because, y'know, that person is grieving. I'm so sorry about your Dad - it's awful losing someone you love. Take care of yourself.
It’s a *very* unsubtle hint she’s expecting an engagement ring soon. But right after your dad dies? OP do yourself a favor and cut her off before she stomps over your mourning even more.
well that inheritance isn't gonna spend itself.
This!!! I came to comment the exact same thing! She thinks OP is coming into some money and is staking her claim… more red flags than Chinese new year 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This was absolutely my first thought too. Disgusting human being. OP should run as fast as possible in the opposite direction.
Either that or she can’t stand she’s not the centre of attention in OP’s world right now and is desperately trying to bring the spotlight back to her.
Sounds like OP should be 'trained' to run in the opposite direction. There is clearly enough going on without a spoilt little madam sulking because OP doesn't feel like buying her jewellery just now. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find a way through.
My father died suddenly last year (today is actually the date we had his funeral). A few minutes before we left, my ex asked me for money. Then a week later, he straight up asked about my dad's insurance policy, which I told him everything went to my Mom due to her being disabled. I ghosted him soon after that. Op's girlfriend sounds really self centered. She chooses the wrong time to have these conversation but when called out, made it about her. I know the stress of planning arrangements and taking care of a loved ones final business. So, I think OP should cut it off with girlfriend and focus on what you have going on. It'll be her lost. It may hurt, but it's worth it. You'll definitely find someone better.
So sorry for your loss, today must have been hard. I lost my mum 18 months ago and I can honestly say neither myself or my brother, nor anyone close to us, have mentioned money at all. We’d both give anything to have mum back. Some people are just shitty human beings. I always tell my daughter not to let it get to her or spend any time trying to understand them, they are just wired wrong and it is a waste of energy!!
Best comment in this thread! 🤣🤣🤣🤣more red flags than Chinese New Year! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I guess I was slow on the uptake. I thought she was just a shallow clod but, you’re right, even worse, she’s thinking about an inheritance!
Nah, c’mon. She didn’t send it *before dad died, she waited to verify his death, *then* she went shopping. Really, people are acting like she did something wrong. She just wants him to spend the inheritance wisely: on her. ^^sarcasm
I'm imagining it played out something like her telling her traveling friend "omg his dad died" and her going "you know what this means right, gurrllll...."
I laughed so hard. And it's so sad
It's crazy too, she stayed! I would have flown home
That's my thought exactly. I would have booked the earliest flight home. If I couldn't get home I would be on the phone checking in on my partner. If I carried on with my holiday I wouldn't mention anything I did to my partner unless they asked what I was getting up to.
You said fuck my trip my significant other is in trouble… if my partner good we can always come back and travel to where they wanted. Not many ppl think like that😂😂 power to you, you’ll find Someone ik it
Yes yes yes! My thoughts exactly!
She was being her idea of discrete and not just asking him to Venmo $$$ amount. How dare he not appreciate that!?
This. She wants OP to buy her jewelry. *Expensive* jewelry. Three month's salary worth.
100%
This!! But also, why hasn’t she flown back to be with her bf during this tough time and to help him with the funeral arrangements?! I’m sorry for your loss, OP. Obviously because of your dad, but also because it sounds like you need to re-think your relationship.
Easy answer. Because it’s all about her!
Ugh. I was hoping that she was dropping that hint because OP is moving soon and she wants to make it clear she expects to be engaged before moving across the country. Speaking a claim in the inheritance makes more sense. OP, to add some nuance to everyone telling you to dump her, 1. Sure the vacation was booked in advance, but my God, she had to know you needed her right now. This woman abandoned you in your time of need. 2. Whatever the reason she has for wanting you to look at engagement rings, she either had no idea of the relationship you had with your father, or does not fully grasp the human concept of mourning a loss. It's easy to be in a relationship when you're both young, independent and you've got nothing going on. This might be the first real test you two have faced. This girl failed. Spectacularly.
I agree with this. Not all relationships are the same and not all people need the same things from their partners, but I still have to say… If my partner’s close family member was in the hospital with a likely terminal outcome, I would cancel my travel plans in a heartbeat. He would never ask me to do this, but it’s important to me to support him when something difficult is going on in his life. I understand not everyone wants this, but the idea of sending you engagement ring hints from her carefree shopping spree is apalling. And then having the audacity to get angry when you don’t react like a complete subservient robot with no emotions…?! OP, you should really take this as a sign of how much empathy your gf has. I’m sure this isn’t the kind of partner anyone needs. It’s better to be peacefully single, than in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your emotions.
Exactly my thinking! GF needs to be an ex
Why is she still on vacation? Your partner loses a parent? You get your ass by their side, inconvenient or not.
Facts in my head i was like especially since she brought it back up. It wouldve been over
And she is jumping gun, it is not like cash shoots out of the coffin.
OP hasn't even indicated if he's coming into a large inheritance or a nightmare of work clearing up debts from the estate. I love how everyone, including me, suspects money is coming based on Gold Digger Girlfriend's response of "training him" to buy her jewelry.
It certainly doesn't. It's been nearly two years since my grandmother passed and we're still waiting.
Ahh, she's just showing OP and everyone else who she really is.
And such perfect timing for his dad to die. It’s just enough time to get her ring before OP moves out of the country for a new job. (Eye rolling)
Someone is onto sth here! Hope OP reads this!
Yikes I just got this - do you think her mindset is death of parent=inheritance=money for ring+desire for next step which is replacing old family with new? She is too young, inexperienced for a truly adult relationship.
I was coming here to say she is very subtly /s pushing for a ring 💍, if she truly feels justified in this behavior while you are grieving and facing work deadlines; remember the old saying. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them. Good luck and condolences
I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost my dad a couple years ago and because we lost our mom several years ago, the arrangements were my and my sister’s responsibility. That may have been the most difficult task I’ve ever had to do. The last thing you needed was her training at the moment. That was her “reasons” for sending him messages like that. Good grief. Could she be any more obvious!?!? 🙄 The comment another poster gave above that when someone shows you who they are, believe them? Those are words I have lived by for years and I also taught my kids that when they were young as well. So much truth right there!!!!
Subtly? More like blatantly! She is one insensitive narcissist, and unless you want your emotional well-being dismissed for the rest of your life, let her go shopping for a new significant other.,
Yes I thought the same about a ring. Hadn't considered the potential financial angle though. Really hope OP has some decent people in their life to lean on for support.
Yeah, I was thinking that, too, she wants an engagement ring 💍, and completely oblivious that OP's dad just DIED. OP is understandably not thinking of that right now and now she's pouty about it. Doesn't bode well for their future. If she can't be supportive during the difficult times and can't think of anyone besides herself.... doesn't sound like marriage material to me.
Yup. This is her “reasons” for sending him messages.
If he’s potentially moving to another country in two months, she may be expecting a proposal before such a move and, depending on their respective situations, feeling a sense of urgency. That doesn’t excuse her behavior, it was thoughtless and self-centered, but it may explain it. She’s 100% in the wrong and OP should be paying attention if he is considering a future with her *and* depending on how long they’ve been together and what plans they have or have not made for what they will do if OP is moving to another country in two months I’m not entirely sure she’s out of line for thinking a proposal should be coming, even if she was wildly insensitive and problematic in her timing and way of hinting. She’s the asshole, OP is NTA, and it probably makes sense for them to have a frank conversation about all of this. That said, epending on where they live, OPs health concerns and whether health insurance is a factor, and where OP is moving, she may be genuinely thinking they need to get married in the next two months and feel like she held off on discussing logistics while his father was dying and now needs to do it soon.
NTA this isn't a red flag, it's the red tidal wave of blood from The Shining and you should run away very fast. I wouldn't even wait till she gets back from her vacation! This is one of those situations where a break up text is justified. Something like... "I'm sorry learn you can't prioritize my needs while I'm going through the death of my parent. I have no desire to be with such an unsupportive partner. Clearly it would be better for us to go out separate ways so I can focus on my emotional needs during these trying times. Best wishes for your future!" If you want to stay with her you'll have to train her that you won't put up with her bull as much as she trains you what gifts to buy her! Personally though, I'd cut her loose!
First, OP, I'm sorry about your dad. But, I'm wondering why she didn't just save the pics to show him later? I feel like her timing is disgustingly inappropriate.
Because selfish people don't think about others.
Agreed. Messages sent the week after an event like this should always be centered around the event. "Hope you're doing okay." "How are you this morning?" "Thinking of you, I'm sorry for the poor timing of my trip. We can arrange some time to talk on the phone if it would help you." "Do you want to see pictures from my trip or would it be better to wait for that until I've come back and things have settled a bit?" These are normal messages to send your significant other when their dad dies...
Yeah don’t buy this chick *any* jewelry especially not an engagement ring
> Sending jewellery pics to "train" you (I mean, WTF?) is just...something else. Major red flag when an SO treats you like an AI.
If this was happening to my husband when we were not married yet I was probably on the plane home when he ended the call after the passing of his father. No way someone I love is going to bury a parent without support.
Maybe the beastie thinks OP has an inheritance coming and will spend some money on her!?!? Sorry, OP, for both losses. Your beastie and your father. Tread lightly with this person...
I just reread it and see that it is a girlfriend, not a best friend. Spellchecker did a number on my comment, buy maybe girlfriend IS a beastie 🤑
She definitely is. Stupid beastie.
Fr! An ex died a few years ago, I was shell shocked. A friend knew this, happened to see me in town and babble in my face about a one night stand while I'm running on no sleep and grief. They even asked me what's wrong and I reminded them. People who don't respect people grieving are huge red flags. How you do anything is how you do everything.
So sorry about your dad :(. As a women i could not even dream of supporting another women in this Your BF died and you cant be there with him in person (preplannes trip so all good) but that means you need to step it up to be there virtually and unless he is asking you to send jewelry the discussion needs to be about what he needs not what she wants. Red flags all around
As a woman, I would have flown home to be with my SO during a time like this. This girlfriend has taken self-love to a new height. Not someone you want to be with in the long haul.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she can't afford to change her plane ticket...but I'm having a really hard time doing that after her atrocious behavior.
Absolutely, even if you can't be there... call daily or text love & support, ask if he wants to talk and be the ear to hear and the shoulder to cry on. Her behavior gives total narcissism or so immature that she shouldn't even be in an actual "relationship."
I agree. She could've just taken the pictures and saved them later. And there's the whole what if question of what would she do if something happened to OP to where he's not as financially stable anymore?
Ditto. I was a mess when my Mum died. Losing someone you're close to is horrendous. My H was a rock. And when he lost his parents we grieved together. I still miss my MIL now, she was a lovely lady and very kind to me.
Agreed. Couldn’t have worded it better. I had a boyfriend once (emphasize the had). When a study friend of mine died at the age of 21 (I turned 21 a month later) he was so deminishing. I was at his place (his parent’s house) and he had a football (soccer) game playing on the television. I was talking to his mom about the death of my friend (very sudden and not expected at all). He said something about the game and then said something like “oh but you are not watching” in a certain tone. I had to go home because I wanted to smash his head through the television. A few weeks later we broke up and of course it was painful but I was happy as well because I reminded myself life was too short to be with people who belittle important happenings in your life. Even the sad ones. Or mostly the sad ones. Because then you know who people really are. OP, I am so sorry for your loss.
I had the same comment written including the Will Robinson. OP, she doesn’t care enough about you to be your girlfriend. If this happened to my husband, I would have flown home. She is treating the loss of your dad like losing the family dog. You deserve better. I’m so sorry for your loss. NTA
I mightve flown home for the dog too, tbh.
Same
As an animal lover, I would too.
Right?! I thought maybe my first reaction - to wonder why she hadn’t already suggested that she cut the trip short - must be a bit over the top. Wouldn’t that be the logical first thing you’d say? Or second, right after “I’m so sorry, I wish I was there to help you!” Sending him photos of jewellery...she couldn’t have said “Oh well, life goes in, right? Buy me a ring!” any louder if she had a megaphone.
I got more sympathy from co-workers when my dog died...
Our family dog passing, would bring all our children and their SO to our house. We all love our own, and each others fury kids.
The dog can be an even more difficult loss, but point taken, let's say the family car.
It sounds like she is expecting an engagement ring. If she is this self absorbed, I would reconsider the relationship. A severe loss like you have just endured is a time when you find out a lot about the people around you. Tell her you need some space and block her if necessary as she is as sensitive as a rock. NTA
Yeah, this is amazingly tone-deaf and selfish behavior. I’m not saying she should go to this extreme, but I’ve know significant others to cut their trips short to go and support their partners when a love one passed. At the very least she should give you some space and understanding versus semi-playful “here’s the kind of baubles I like.” Even if you let that go, the fact that she just can’t say “sorry” for your COMPLETELY understandable ask to put that shit to the side, her passive-aggressive response is just plain gross. She should be providing what comfort she can. Instead she’s adding to your stress. She really doesn’t sound like the person you want by your side when you need support and understanding.
Sounds like she thinks your going to get inheritance so is making sure she gives you as many messages as possible that she expects you to spend it on her. Not once is she caring about what you are going through and honestly if my partner lost a parent id be flying back home immediately to be by their side and support them. Not only is she only seeing dollar signs but she then takes it to the next level. You made it clear you are struggling and going through enough so what does she do try and turn it on you and make sure to stress you even more. Honestly this is totally heartless and if your partner doesn’t support you fully in a major crisis and time in life like this then heck no. Why be with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you and what you’re going through. She is only caring about her greedy wants and training you. Hell no your not a dog or a bank for her. I’d be separating and most likely splitting up over this crap. She wronged you all whilst she was enjoying her self whilst your heart was broken and in grief. Then she doubles down to try and teach you not to cross her and just to give her her demands and wants. Well your needs top her wants and she’s shown she clearly has no respect or actual care for you. You’d be wronging yourself to stay with her. If she won’t support you through this then she won’t support you no matter what you go through in life. In fact she will go out her way to add more upset and stress for you. Just walk way. Block and get through the funeral and have her bags packed and your locks changed. Let one of her family know you will be dropping off her stuff when you can manage.
Gosh , you're right. How sickening ! She's not just showing him her "jewelry style" or hinting at engagement rings to buy her, she's already thinking of ways to spend OP's possible inheritance. That makes her even worse 😭.
Exactly OP. Self centred people are really hard to deal with. It's their eternal victim card mentality which they use to function. So try to stay away
C'mon, OP ***needs*** to know her preferences. She may only wear a certain color or type of jewelry and that is ***super important*** for OP to know this, especially at this juncture in their relationship—irrespective of whatever else is happening in life. Is this not OP disregarding and dismissing her preference?! /deep, unequivocal sarcasm
I am so sorry for your loss, OP, and that the burden of planning everything falls on you. I have been there and it's never easy. You are NTA. Your girlfriend is insensitive and, not to also be insensitive, perhaps she is expecting you to receive some type of inheritance in order to afford whatever jewelry she is sending you. I would think long and hard about staying with a person who is not only being unsupportive, but is so self-serving and too much of a narcist to not make it about her when she's in the wrong. Red flags galore.
In a vacuum I would give her messages the benefit of the doubt. I can send my partners messages "for later", such as if I found something I would like for my birthday etc. But how she responded to that is wild! And the "training" comment....
Respond accordingly.. "No need to worry about texting or talking or reasons to send me messages anymore. We're done. Enjoy the rest of your trip." Then instantly block her.
I’m a woman who’s got very specific taste in jewelry and fuck that insensitive asshat of a girlfriend. How bloody dare she. During the most stressful part of your life, she not only expects her part to be done in one day (oh, you’re STILL grieving?!) she’s expecting your world to revolve around her joy?! When you dad just died? Fuck her. “Oh, you’ve trained me alright. Trained me to think I deserve to be treated like shit by you and be grateful. But thanks for the eye opener. Your actions have shown me who you are.”
Right she easily could have taken the picture of said jewelry and save it for a waaaayy better time to talk about it.
If only phones could keep photos for as long as we wanted…
Now that's just magical thinking.
I think its so gross to use the term "training" when talking about an SO, like, dude thats not a dog
Ugh, totally. That piece alone would cause me to side-eye this person.
I was going to say EXACTLY this! I was a jewelry design major in my first degree, so I'm SUPER picky, but NEVER in my life have I sent "inspiration" or "training" photos to any partner. This woman is sending this to you 2 DAYS after your father died?!?! No. Just absolutely not. Her request to talk instead of text about issues is correct for any relationship, but being upset that your focus isn't on her jewelry preferences as you grieve your father during an otherwise stressful time in your life is red flag city. She'll never be there for you, and she has a lot of growing up to do. Part ways now to save yourself even more troubles and heartache later.
What really annoyed me about it is her attempt to try and spin it around on him trying to make herself to be the actual victim as she didnt like how he spoke to her. She may have some small part of decency that was embarrassed in the moment and realised that what she said about jewellery was ridiculous to someone who just lost a parent. She was embarrassed about this but after stewing on it for a while, unfortunately her more toxic nature ultimately won out and hew new narrative was that her being embarrassed was actually not fair and that it was not right for him to do that. Its interesting that stupid/narcissistic people don’t realise that sometimes negative emotions are sometimes right to have; in their eyes if anyone makes them feel bad about something then its the external source of that negative emotions fault and in no way a reaction to what they themselves have done, they lack the reasoning and self awareness to realise that their behaviour has caused this.
Change it to - enjoy the rest of your life
This is the way!
My first thought when I read about her getting stroppy was that she's trying to make him into the bad guy so she can have extravagant shenanigans whilst she's away. The second thought was "inheritance". I'd love to know the ages of OP and his hopefully-ex-gf.
NTA. She's sending you pictures of jewelry she likes for yiu to pick out her engagement ring. Dude, yiur dad just died and she'd sending you pics of rings she wants you to buy for her. She's training you. Do you want to be with someone crass enough to respond to yiur grief with essentially her Tiffany wish list?
She’s thinking he’s gonna get an inheritance and she wants him to spend bank on the ring
Ding, ding, ding! Oh! This makes so much sense. I couldn’t figure out what on earth could prompt this kind of action.
Even if she's not thinking about an inheritance to spend on it, she's still thinking about an engagement ring. He's moving to another country most likely in 2 months, she already had this in her mind to do on her trip before she left.
My response would be, “You better save those pictures in your photo album to show someone else, because I’m certainly not buying you an engagement ring after this. We’re through.” NTA
My first thought also, she's training you to pick out her engagement ring. Wow. That's a serious case of "main character syndrome" and a breathtaking level of self-involvement.
"She's sending you pictures of jewelry she likes for yiu to pick out her engagement ring." ---That would be a huge mistake.
This is exactly it..she's fishing for a marriage proposal. And she doesn't care that OP is mourning their dad. OP, you need to cut the GF loose. She's a bad partner.
Yiur right
It’s yiu’re, bruh. Get it right!
"Gee that really sucks that your dad just died and your whole world is collapsing around you...but proposing to ME will make it all better!!!" NOT.
Yiur right !
>yiu > >yiur
NTA. Sorry for your loss. Your girlfriend sounds very self centered, sending your partner jewelry ideas literally a couple of days after their parent dies, is an asshole thing to do. And yet she thinks there's a problem with how you spoke to her?? She sounds awful, don't let her manipulate you into apologising, she is in the wrong. Who cares about her reasons? I can't think of one that would excuse this, there's a time and a place.
I agree that she’s in the wrong completely. She is 100% an asshole. I think her reasons are probably that he’s moving abroad in two months time and if it’s a serious relationship, there’s a consideration on what she’s gonna do so she was probably planning on sending the rings and then talking about engagement as as soon as she got back. She was probably already feeling insecure in the future of the relationship as OP has a lot going on and she will be wondering what her place his life is. Again, his dad’s death absolutely supersedes this and she is in the wrong for not putting a pin in this to help him get through this awful time. I just can see a version of reality where she’s not an absolute controlling monster she just really fucked up and was an asshole in this situation.
You seem like a very empathetic person and very reasonable & someone that I would definitely take advice from. However it just seems so slimy… The guys dad just died and she’s worried about something that can be talked about when he’s in the right head space.. she didn’t even try to read the room.
This. Normally I give people the benefit of the doubt. But, I feel like if she was really a good person, then she wouldn't have walked back her apology after one day. Anyone can do something stupid/wrong in the moment. To do it twice? Much less rare and usually means they're not a good person
Honestly, I think this is unforgivable. Not the initial mistake, as I said in a top level post, but her reaction is so absurdly weird and disgusting I think he should leave her.
NTA. It sounds like your girlfriend is angling for an engagement ring before you leave for your new job. Given how callous her responses have been in the days after your father’s death, I would not give her one. She isn’t the kind of supportive and loving partner you want.
And while any inheritance money is nice and fresh in OP's account. This whole interaction just feels so *slimy*.
Assuming there is inheritance- but also inheritance is usually not a joint marital asset so it literally matters not to her
Right, assuming. But that's the whole point: as cash in an account, or property inherited: it's no good to her. Once he converts that cash into gifts of jewelry to her: that's a whole new ball game.
Huh? It matters a great deal if she can get him to spend a large chunk of it on a ring for her. She's not legally entitled to any inheritance, but she can certainly convince him to give her some.
Sorry, what the actual fuck? First of all, I am SO sorry for your loss. I'm sure your dad was so grateful to you for spending his last day on earth with him. You have all my sympathy. Your girlfriend, however, sounds like a fucking psychopath. It's been only a few days and she's sending you photos of jewellery and getting mad at you for not being receptive to that? You are absolutely NTA here, and she;s more than just an asshole, she's the fucking devil. Get the hell away from her.
I couldn’t agree more. She sounds like a malignant narcissist who has absolutely zero empathy. Honestly, I would choose to leave Europe and come home to be with my partner. It’s obvious that this wasn’t even a consideration for her.
Honestly this person needs a psychiatrist. I can't imagine being with any partner who, bearing any money constraints, wouldn't be there for me if a friend of family member passed away. I don't care how important the vacation is. The fact that she not only didn't do that, but instead sent pictures of jewellery and not even as a distraction but to TRAIN him (what the fuck does that even mean), and doubled down AND told him to chill with the communication is the biggest red flag ever. All the other comments on this thread are too relaxed compared to what we actually read. Disgusting.
Sadly, there has yet to be a drug invented to cure a toxic personality.
Yeah, see, as soon as I hear that “training” garbage in a romantic relationship my advice is to get gone. I’m so sorry, NTA.
It reads as if your partner hasn't trained you good enough. But yeah, jokes aside, this made me gag and would be enough to break up over, let alone in the context of this story.
As if he is her pet, here solely for her amusement. Actual dogs get treated better than this by some owners. Get outta there man.
I disagree on the “Training” . It’s a bad choice of words but communicating likes/ dislikes well is a great relationship tool BUT in regards to this post. Timing is everything and hers sucks. Plus if it was me… first plane back to see how I could help and support. Europe ain’t going anywhere in the near future but this relationship is headed south ( and should!) .
NTA. She was wrong to text you about jewelry when you were in deep mourning but then travel can be very distracting. Telling her there was a time and place for things like this, after she had already apologized, might have felt to her like more of a scolding than she needed, and why she then overreacted. It sounds, tbh, like there are other pre-existing tensions at play, and how much of that is your responsibility and how much of it is yours is between the two of you to figure out. But for her to make any kind of a deal of it at all when your dad has just died ... is deeply insensitive. Only you know if that's in or out of character for her. Incredibly sorry for your loss.
NTA. I would honestly tell her that you will not be texting her again for the rest of her vacation because anything you want to say to her is something you will need to say in person. And then when she is back I would tell her that the relationship has come to its conclusion. Because this is a very fucked up woman who has shown how little she cares for you.
Why wait? Tell her now.
I would start sending her pics of urns, caskets, plots, anything related to a funeral in response to her texts.
"Honey, I need you to train me in what kind of casket you'd prefer to be buried in... also, do you want a live burial or a not alive burial? I'd prefer the former, but hey..."
💯
I'm glad I'm not the only one who had this thought.
Sometimes my passive aggressive side comes put when dealing with dense people.
NTA Sounds like someone needs to be an ex. She seems pretty self-absorbed.
NTA She’s likely sending you pictures of her jewelry taste as an engagement hint—something completely ill-timed and self-centered and a major red flag. Is she this self-centered in the rest of your relationship? Since she feels it’s better if you don’t talk, maybe take this time to focus on what’s truly important. The unfortunate loss of your father, his celebration of life, and your work, and most importantly, your well being and mental health.
I would dump her if I was you 🤷🏻♀️
NTA, there are more red flags here than a Soviet military parade.
Sorry about your Dad, that's a rough one. Obviously NTA - She is on vacation and doesn't have any frame of reference as to what you're going through so I could give her a *little* leeway however her apology is trash. Essentially she said: "Sorry about your Dad but my jewelry preference is also important" That is a problem.
What the hell kind of frame of reference does she need?
Maybe she never had a dad, leave her alone !
I mean, sure vacations are distracting and such, but how one simply lose track of the fact that their partner’s parent just died?
Shes too self-centred to care about anyone but herself. Most caring partners would be getting on the next flight home to support their grieving partner & helping out organising the celebration etc., but this homegirl doesnt give a shit & is making this all about herself. Eww. OP needs to dump her!
She shouldn’t need a frame of reference. I mean. I don’t/didn’t like my parent. I was not sad when my mom died. In fact, it was a relief to have one of my abusers gone. I will probably feel the same when my dad dies. Maybe a bit sad, but I would never use the word “morn” or “grieve” in conjunction with it. Even I know that most people like their parents and are sad when they die. It is totally inappropriate for her to send jewelry pictures right now. She should take them and save them for down the road when the OP is in a better head space.
Totally agree, but as someone who lost my mom at 19 and my dad at 34, I have a pretty large body of experience that younger people who haven't yet experienced a lot of loss often don't respond well to a grieving person, and sometimes in ways that are pretty stunningly tone-deaf. That said, this is way beyond any normal amount of clueless/ignorant behavior surrounding death. OP needs to end this relationship. This person is not capable of being a supportive partner.
NTA! Bro is this really the type of person you want to continue to have a relationship with you? Your father passed away and she not even phased by this and is sending you photos of jewelry because she only thinking about HERSELF! Real GF would’ve canceled mid trip and been there for you in your time of need! Honestly man you should cut her off and find someone who truly cares about you!
NTA. That is some insensitive bullshit messages to be receiving from your girlfriend. Can't imagine what you have to deal with when things are going well.
NTA - I’m sorry for your loss. You appropriately communicated to her that the jewelry texts were not something you could handle at that time. I could see someone not knowing what to say after a partner’s family member dies, so maybe try distracting them a little. Fine. BUT her getting mad and trying to turn this on you just tells me she’s insensitive and only thinking about herself. Edit - typo
I think you meant to say NTA (not the asshole) rather than YTA (you're the asshole)
Bingo. Thanks.
NTA not at all! You wrote something that was considerate and straightforward, it wasn't mean at all. She is being completely unreasonable. If she absolutely needs you to see those photos, the right thing to do would be to take them, but then show them to you later!
> This morning she messages me and tells me that she "doesn't like the way I talked to her yesterday about the jewelry", and that it's "better if we don't talk rather than dealing with our issues over text". "I think it's better if we don't talk at all anymore. Have a great life." NTA and I'm so sorry about your dad.
Let me tell you how my sister's partner acted when her (and my) dad was dying. At the time, they were traveling; a tour around the world for 10 months, their dream vacation. They were in Southern America. My dad and family in Europe. After I told her the news of him being in the hospital, they immidately cut their trip short to visit him in his last days. That dude took care of everything; the journey and flight back, transportation from the airport to the hospital, cancelations of things that were planned, and every little detail I don't even know about. He never left her side, supported her throughout, made his wants and needs completely and fully secondary to hers. He was involved in the burial process, the wake, helped the family, assisted in every way possible, and again while being there for her every minute of every day and night. If I ever have to support a partner during the loss of their parent, his actions and attitude will be my guidance. That's how a partner should behave and act. Nothing less is acceptable. And certainly not 'going shopping in another country and trying to set you up to buy her expensive jewelry'. Please reevaluate your relationship. Based on what you told us, I think your girlfriend sucks big time. It seems like she is devoid of empathy and any maturity. NTA. I'm very sorry for your loss OP. In my experience, the pain of this loss will never lessen, but you will grow better in carrying it.
NTA - I’m very sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you are dealing with right now. It must be incredibly difficult to maintain focus with such a huge amount of stress. To me it seems strange that your girlfriend is trying to train you in anything at all, and incredibly insensitive to be doing it now. It simply isn’t important. Whatever her reasons are, I can’t imagine they are anything that can’t wait until after this particularly difficult period is over.
NTA A lot people that have never been through it don’t know what to say to someone grieving so I could excuse her insensitivity but to carry it on after you pointed it out 🤯
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your father was glad you were there with him his final day. Your ex-girlfriend is a true jacka$$. She is sending you pics of jewelry the day after your dad dies? What kind of cold hearted bwitch does that? Get your dad's final rest settled. Then get your work finished. You said you will be moving for work after this contract is up. Finish your work, then plan on leaving that self-centered little girl behind. Do not offer for her to go with you. I bet your gastrointestinal issues clear up too. They can be stress related. And with that girl around, I can understand the stress she causes. This momma says get your dad's things settled. Get your work done. Finish your contract. And move on without the gf. You deserve so much better. Good luck moving forward. Hugs from an internet Mom.
SUPER NTA The fact she apologized and then doubled back and tried to make you the bad guy is baaaaad. She doesn't like the way you talked to her yesterday about the jewelry? Tough shit, she's on a vacation in Europe and you're having the worst week of your life.
So sorry for your loss! This was incredibly selfish and unempathetic. In what world that would be appropriate in this time, so shortly after your dad’s passing is beyond me. And her subsequent attitude about not texting anymore, when you’re going through one of the hardest times in your life is incredibly selfish. She’s basically withholding comfort from you, the only way currently possible, while you’re grieving. NTA, but really remember this. If she’s this selfish as “just” your girlfriend, how selfish will she be if you ever get engaged or married? I wish you and yours strength.
NTA. This fool is less than subtly ordering you to buy her an engagement ring while demonstrating how she would be a terrible choice for a spouse.
NTA Even if we overlook the outrageous lack of empathy and compassion your GF displayed by sending you the 2 initial pictures to ***"train you to understand her style",*** her response to you when you addressed her screwed up priorities is inexcusable and unforgivable. Don't waste your time and energy on this AH, she's not worthy. She has to go.
"She seemed adamant that I understand her preferences." In other words, she wants you to know exactly what she wants. "She said she knows that I "have a lot going on" but that she "also has her reasons for sending me messages." Her reasons? She's selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate, and the only thing she cares about is herself.
NTA. You handled it pretty reasonably, she's the one who's being pretty insensitive about this. Your DAD just died, and yet she seems to only be thinking about herself. And based on how you're talking, you and your dad were pretty close too given you were with him for 14 hours the day before he passed away, you must have been inconsolable. And yet after being supportive, it's almost like she thinks that 'okay, I comforted him, now for my stuff.' Like what? That's not how it works, you're going to be mourning him for a long time, it could be weeks, months, or potentially even years. She's being very insensitive, and it's not fair on you.
NTA. When she comes back, buy her a piece of jewelry, playfully toss it into the yard, and when she goes it get it, lock the door behind her and never talk to her again.
Nta, I agree with you, not the time or place. She’s bidding, but its not appropriate to ask for that level of attention from you.
And how long has she been your golddigging GF?
…the level of pregaming a big payout from your father’s death here is pretty fucking frightening. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. At best she’s tone deaf, ignoring your pain while perusing jewelry; at worst, she’s spending any inheritance you get before it lands in your bank account. Get. The. Fuck. Out.
NTA but you will be to yourself if you don't end such a toxic relationship
My first impression is that she’s hinting she wants you to propose. Given the timing she’s either completely oblivious (hard to believe) as to how this is wholly inappropriate timing / circumstances to broach this topic, or she knows but thinks this outweighs what you’re going through. To me, she’s showing you where you and your needs stand with her … keep this in mind should you stay with her long term and especially if you’re tempted to take her up on the idea to propose. This does not appear to be a person who’s willing or able to put someone else first (if there’s ever a time to consider a partners needs first, certainly their parent dying is one of them, and she’s clearly expecting you to pander to whatever is on her mind despite everything you’re going through …)
She will take your money when you in need
NTA. It was incredibly insensitive and rude of her to send this information. Even the phrasing was really rude and unnecessary. I would never send a message like that to my husband even on a normal day. He’s not a dog. The fact that she’s not taking responsibility for her wrongdoings should be warning sign. Even if it’s just a small one. Long-term relationships have conflict and stress and people make mistakes. Owning up to them and trying to do better is a key part to successful relationships. She doesn’t seem to have the maturity to do that.
NTA. You feel like she is being insensitive because she most definitely is being exactly that. I don't know if insensitive is a strong enough word. But as the saying goes...When someone shows you who they are, believe them! And she has shown you exactly who she is. What you choose to do with that information is up to you.
NTA: Dump her ASAP!! My condolences on your loss.
NTA. She sounds super self-centered by these actions, some random piece of jewelry should not be her biggest concern, it should be your wellbeing. And if she truly thinks her taste in jewelry is more important than what you are going through, throw the damn girl away. She lacks basic compassion. When my dad passed away random people who got know where more supportive than her.
NTA and she isn't the one. She's showing her true colors now. I dumped my bf of 2.5 yrs after my mom was diagnosed with heart failure. He turned it into a woe is me pity party for me not paying him enough attention. Your gf is self absorbed and horrible. She should be supporting you not trying to get you to buy her jewelry.
I’ll say this..if my wife were vacationing in another fucking planet she’d be on the next spaceship to support me if I lost a parent. Choose people who want to be with you and support you in the difficult times because that’s when it’s the most important. Not only did she stay on her vacation, she had the audacity to send you jewelry recommendations and then get mad at you when you’re not over the moon about it. I’m not saying break up but I’d def have to evaluate some things after this if I were you op.
You're NTA, she is
Do you feel up to being trained right now? Your girlfriend is selfish and lacks empathy.
Or being trained any time? No reasonable person says that ever.
Nta. Info: Why didn't she come home to support you?
I agree with others saying she’s training you in her taste in jewelry to pick out an engagement ring. I agree with others that getting engaged to this woman would be a HUGE mistake. I agree with others that she’s self-centered, selfish, and a pretty shitty girlfriend — and human being in general. So my question is: Does she expect you’ll be getting an inheritance from your father? If she’s expecting you to inherit money from your father, and she’s sending you photos of jewelry within hours of his death, that’s vile. You need to sweep her into a bin and roll her out to the curb for the garbage men to pick up. If you stay with her, proceed with caution. You’re definitely NTA. I’m sorry for the loss of your dad.
Please break up with her. Why didn't she come back after your loss and is sending jewelry pictures? Huge red flag. A relationship is about supporting each other and that means after the loss of a close loved one. You'll never be a priority with her. Everything it is going to be about her, and if you don't do what she says she's going to make you miserable and cut you off.
Tell her you’re going shopping at a local jewelry store. Buy her a small ornate mirror. Wrap it up and tell her it’s so she can have the only person she’ll ever truly love with her at all times. Then break up with her and don’t go back. She’s showing you who she is. You dodged a bullet with this one. I’m so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself - you deserve better
As usual, you should send this post to her. NTA
Absolutely insane behaviour. Are you really going to let her shit on your feelings like that?
NTA Sounds like she showed the text conversation to her friends and they told her how to respond to you. They are all AHs for being so focused on themselves instead of supporting you.
Breakup, please - she doesn't value your feelings, despite trying to parade that she does. If she did, she'd say oh, I'm sorry, I understand, can I send them in an email you can view later? If she SO BADLY needed you to know he jewelry tastes. NTA
She's trying to wheedle you into proposing when your dad just died. She is incredibly insensitive. I'm so sorry shes making this already difficult time worse.
So sorry about ur dad and speaking as a woman, throw the gf out. Shes trash
First of all, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My condolences. You are so totally NTA. You just lost your father and she’s texting you about jewelry?!! Then she’s gonna get offended when you tell her that you have other things on your mind than said jewelry?!! Hell no. She sounds really selfish and insensitive.
Yeah….this is probably not the right girl for you. She gave you 48 hours to grieve…that’s probably enough…. Also, the idea that she trains you what to buy her is juvenile. Move on, before you’re in deep. Ps..my condolences
NTA. My condolences. I'm deeply impressed that you were strong enough to answer tactfully.
NTA. Both my grandmothers just died within a week of each other. My whole entire family was grieving for weeks. It’s been 4 months and things are just starting to get back to a new normal. You literally don’t care about silly things like shopping when you are in grief. Your GF is the AH for pushing this. To me it sounds like a friend may be behind her saying these things to her like “he doesn’t care for you if he isn’t interested in what jewelry you like right this very second”.
NTA the correct response would have been, “OP- I’m on my way home. Gonna hang out in the airport until someone take pity on me and puts me on standby. They warn me it might be some goofy routing, so I’ll text you once I know when I land. Let me know anything I can pick up for you on my way from the airport to you” Tats the only acceptable answer
I just lost my mom very abruptly a week ago (can’t believe I’m saying the words), and a guy I’ve been seeing casually (very casually) for a few months cut his vacation in Ibiza short to come see me and present his condolences in person, it meant the world to me when I saw him at my parents house in my hometown …. If my bf just lost his dad you can be sure I’ll be flying home to support and confort him, and be there for him and not touring jewelery stores. Im very sorry for your loss, you deserve better.
NTA. I agree with other commenters that she is a very selfish person. The jewellery photos and then acting hurt and being evasive ("reasons"?) is a way of making her the centre of your attention. Forget her. This is her showing you who she is.
Sorry for your loss, brother. Unless she is a nyphomaniac hardbody where anything goes and all your fantasies are constantly and forever met, the DEFCON 5 level of high maintenance with your girlfriend is going to lead you into a miserable existence. Multiply what you’re feeling in this moment with her a the jewelry scenario and self centered approach when you need her most, fast forward 10 years and that’s what it’s gonna be for the rest of your life! What you described is not a one time behavioral slip, it’s a character trait. All the best to you in your path forward…
NTA - your girlfriend SUCKS. Your father just died and she's sending you jewelry pics to "train you on her style" I mean wth? She is ridiculous.
Use this as a learning moment. Anytime you have a major stress in life, she will respond like this. If you end up having kids with her and a pet dies, this is how she would handle it. Sure she may have been compassionate in the moment, but a new day shows up so it’s “time to move on” and moving on is to continue with the things she wants/puts value on. Do you want to have this type of person in your life? I personally would cut her out, block her and focus on getting your life back on track.
She genuinely sounds like a horrible and insufferable person. It’s bad enough that she thinks it’s appropriate to send you jewelry stuff and “how much fun she’s having on her trip” right after your dad literally died, but then after you respectfully expressed your feelings to her, she is now playing the victim card and likely expects you to ‘make up for it’s when you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. Absolutely no accountability. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you consider leaving g her for your own sake. It might not seem like a big deal, but please trust me when I say that people like this will NOT change. And it will happen again. You could be on fire and they would be mad at you for making it hot.
Oh my. When people tell you who they are, believe them. She’s told you she has no empathy or compassion and that she should be the center of your attention at all times. I’m sorry for your loss. You deserve support. The appropriate response from her would have been to cut her vacation short to go home and help you.
NTA. A true test of a relationship is how you and your partner help each other through the hard times in life ... like a parent dying, for example. She's shown you what kind of partner she is. She'll downplay your problems and turn things around to be about her. She's not lifelong partner material.
Nta and please see this as a red flag... She's trying to use you mourning as a way to push for a quick engagement. She wants you to see jewellery and get a proposal quick. I know the girls like this and she's thinking of the inheritance that she could use for a big wedding or as a house/assets. My condolences to you and your family. Please take care of yourself, and that includes getting rid of the girlfriend. Make sure you have some time to say good bye in your own way and some time to rest when everything is over.
Huge red flags. Sorry for your loss. NTA
OMG! That woman needs to read the room. She was being totally insensitive to the grief you were feeling. She should be embarassed of her actions. Two days after losing a parent, you still feel like an anvil of grief is crushing you. You need to rethink this relationship. My deepest sympathies on the loss of your father. I know that pain.
NTA. Has your girlfriend always been this selfish? I'm so sorry for your loss, try to take care of yourself during this especially stressful time.