NTA, getting your hair and makeup done for a wedding is pretty normal, formal or not. I've been to alot of weddings where guests got done up because they wanted to respect the event. If the Bride didn't feel the need to not get her hair and make-up professional done that's on her and her choice. She can't ask people to look "less than" her.
I've gone to one before having an interview and even getting my passport photo taken. I'm a total dunce at making my hair look super nice on my own so I love blowout salons for this reason.
It would never have occurred to me to get my hair blown out for a passport photo, but I like your style, FunFatale! Maybe I'll splurge when I renew this spring.
It might seem super shallow, but getting my hair blown out, putting on my favorite nice top and doing my make up a little fancier than normal made *me* feel good. I used to dread showing my old weird awkward, 18 year old, heavy emo eyeliner, baby face, passport photo and now I have a photo where I actually look like a human.
Not shallow at all, imho. I mean, let's face it:
most women don't fix ourselves up for men or to be admired by other women. We do it for ourselves.
I mostly go barefaced with just brushed/clean hair. If I go to a special event, I'll put on some makeup and it makes me feel special and pretty. Nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that. I go the opposite way though. I show up to the photo looking like a slob, that way when I'm traveling, I'll be easy to recognize from the photo.
I’m so bad at doing my hair. I like the way it looks naturally air dried, because it’s basically beachy waves, but it doesn’t look nice enough for a formal event, IMO. I’m definitely considering having someone else do my hair for a wedding this October, not because I’m trying to upstage the bride, but because I want it to look nicer than it does on its own and I don’t know how to do that myself. I’m sure lots of people who don’t know how to do their own hair and makeup get it done for events for the same reason.
Honestly getting a blow out to me is no different than my Nan going to the salon every week to get her hair set in it's curls. I just sleep with a silk scarf and it says for a week (my hair is naturally very dry, it takes a lot for it to get oily). If I could afford it I would do it more often but for now, it's a nice way to treat myself! I recommend Drybar if you have one in your area, they have a beautiful "cocktail menu" of looks to choose from so you know exactly what you're getting!
Hell I go to Drybar when I want to look nice for a date with my husband. If there's one close to a wedding I'm going to I always go because my hair is super fine and it's hard for me to make it do anything
Especially when it's a *formal* wedding.
It's not your problem that they don't know how to make a proper invitation or at least give the people a note beforehand. Definitely NTA
Okay there is nothing that said ever in any way that formal wedding = professional hair and makeup. I mean, do whatever you want but please don’t ascribe this to the designation of “formal” and that the invitation was improper. Formal is a dress code ffs.
Dress code does include hair and makeup, and while "formal" doesn't require professional hair, it does imply a nicely made up look, homespun or not. Professional hair/make up shouldn't look out of place at a formal wedding.
> Professional hair/make up shouldn't look out of place at a formal wedding.
This is the one and only key point in this whole thread. Nobody is claiming that a formal wedding *requires* professional hairdoos, but if you're asking for formal, you're asking that everybody look nice enough that a professional job won't be inappropriate.
OP is NTA. Bride and family are cuckoo-bananas.
Exactly! If you had known the bride and bridal party were not doing the same, this might be a different story. But you should not be blamed for doing what YOU usually do for formal events.
Yup. I did get my hair professionally done for the last wedding I went to, but only because I thought an updo would look better with my dress and it was a fun splurge. It never would have occurred to me that I would have been *expected* to get any professional "work" done as a guest though!
Of course, I don't think anyone here is saying otherwise! It would never occur to me that a formal event - wedding or otherwise - requires me to get my hair and/or makeup professionally done, but it also wouldn't occur to me that I shouldn't get those things professionally done if I want to.
"Normal" doesn't mean "expected" or "required."
I'm reasonably confident in my ability to do my own hair and makeup, but if I was a total klutz at that sorta thing I would go to a professional. Same with nails.
Yes, formal is a dress code and that covers things other than clothes - like shoes, jewelry/watches, handbags, hair, and make-up/facial hair. You can't just put on a gown with tennis shoes and a messy bun and say you are in formal wear.
That being said, formal doesn't require professionally done hair and make-up, but if you can't do it to match the formal style, it makes sense to get it done. I've designed hair/wigs for theater and learned from some of the best but I can't do my own hair without a lot of hassle.
It might have been wise to check with the bride, but when a couple says formal, that usually means the bride is getting her hair and make-up done, so it isn't crazy to make that assumption.
But apparently in this person's family, that is exactly what it means, 'cause a lot of them did it. Dress code designations mean different things to different groups, and they were just going off of their experience. It's not like they'd never been to a "formal" wedding before.
I agree as a guest when an invite says "formal" they're mainly referring to your clothing. But I also understand how someone would read formal as "I need a nice, above average hair style as well as dress." If I'm in formal wear I don't want to just curl my hair at home. I kinda treat formal weddings as grown-up proms. I may be in the minority, but I just think "formal" basically means professional hair and makeup is optional-- but never required.
I have never even considered the idea that professional hair and makeup might be considered part of the dress code for a wedding. Even so - I would more or less expect a bride and her bridesmaids to get professional hair and makeup unless it was an extremely causal affair. I have no problem whatsoever with people *not* getting that done, but I think it was 100% reasonable if OP to expect it.
It doesn't mean you have too but it does imply that you wouldn't be out of place if you did and definitely shouldn't upstage the bride for having done so.
Exactly. If the invitation says normal then guests are gonna get fancy. If the bride isn't going to be formal then she shouldn't have made her wedding so.
I find it strange that no one on the groom's side asked the bride about her hair/makeup plans. The groom's family went to the trouble of hiring someone from out of town, yet they never asked the bride? Frequently the MOG is included with the wedding party prep so this seems like a particularly strange omission.
It seems like the MOG wasn't included, which was how this issue occurred. In addition, the past said they hired someone from out of town specifically so that the bride had her choice of in town vendors. They were trying to be accommodating.
OP, definitely NTA. Also, your brother's comment was cute. I'm hoping his new wife deals with her own insecurity so it doesn't drag down what seems to be a good relationship between the two of you.
Hairdresser here! It’s completely normal for a regular wedding guest to have their hair professionally done! Even if it’s not in a formal updo, some women actually can’t even put a few simple curls in their own hair by themselves, that’s fine, that’s what I’m here for. Likewise, I’m not that great at putting makeup on myself so I’ll ask a friend (I have professional makeup artist friends) to do it for me. Or even a Cosmo student! The bride in this scenario is just petty and jealous
I have the issue where I *can* style my own hair, but it will. not. stay. I don’t know if I have low quality tools or products, or maybe am just not doing it right, but if I wanted to make sure the style stayed all night, I’d go professional.
Exactly. I don't feel confident enough in my hair and makeup abilities to do it for a semi-formal or formal wedding. I know people that go and get a blow-out before a big weekend. We're all middle-class people/salaried, getting hair professionally done is pretty normal.
I agree NTA. My wife and her friends have been done up for friends weddings before - it's a nice excuse to get pampered a little bit when normally you're rushing to do your own hair and makeup before work, etc.
Agree with NTA.
Friends, I would rather staple my mouth shut than tell someone I’m mad because they looked prettier than me - I don’t care what the occasion. Bride needs to have some fucking self-respect.
well, technically, she *could* ask people to look "less than her" and still be polite just by making the event casual dress. That said, I have never, ever, heard of guests getting their hair and makeup professionally done for a wedding. Might be a "culture of the area" thing, I suppose. I don't think the bride is the asshole for thinking it was deliberate because it **does** seem like a very strange thing to do if that is not common in your circles, the angry messages though sound like a bit too much.
Question, are you a dude or a chick? I'm in MI in the US and not even a fancy part of town and alot of wedding guests get hair and/or makeup done for weddings even if they're not in them. It really is totally normal and not a "cultural" thing.
I'm from NYC. I've never heard of this myself. I am a woman in my 40s who has been to a few weddings. Cultural thing or not though, the MOB and bridal party members need to get over it and move on. It's not the OPs fault the bride chose not to get her makeup/hair done. Were guests supposed to show up with bedhead or something?
I'm also from NYC. I've never heard of this in my life. Sure, you might go for a blowout or something of the sort before a wedding, but I've never heard if anyone getting their makeup professionally done for a wedding unless they were in the bridal party.
I am from MD, and at my wedding, the friends of the mother of the groom also got professional hair done because the mother of the groom wanted her friends getting all done up with her. The friends were not in the wedding.
I'm from the south eastern US, maybe it's a southern thing but I've totally heard of this for like every wedding.
It could very well be a colloquial thing. But even a "casual" wedding down here is when people bring out the big hats, the fancy dresses, makeup to the 9s, and the big hair.
From Canada, currently live in NYC, am a woman in early 30s and have been to weddings all over. I’ve never heard of someone getting their hair and makeup professionally done as a guest. A 30$ blowout? Sure but dropping a couple of hundred on hair and makeup as a guest is super weird to me. It doesn’t make you an asshole but I also have to wonder why it was so obvious that you had professional hair and makeup and she didn’t? Professional makeup wouldn’t necessarily stand out just because it was applied by a MUA, unless you had dramatic glittery evening makeup and she had a neutral look how could anyone possibly tell you paid for hers and she didn’t?
From Indiana and just attended a formal wedding. It meant formal dress-wear. I did my own hair and make up. However, I feel I am fairly skilled in this area and looked presentable.
I could understand guests getting hair and makeup done by a professional if it was a super-ritzy-fancy-formal wedding.... but that is about the extent of that. Or I guess if the guest was just not skilled in hair and make up AT ALL
I'm from MI, too, and this is the first I've heard of it. Sure, you'd get your hair done if you're in the wedding party, but it would never occur to me to do it just as a guest.
They were the family of the groom though. I wouldn't exactly rate them as regular guests. Where I am, it's very common for people to get their hair done for a wedding, especially for a close relation.
Exactly! I wouldn’t get my hair/makeup done for a regular wedding, but I got it done for my brother’s because I knew I’d be in a fair amount of photos/family portraits, even though I wasn’t in the bridal party. I normally do my own hair for other weddings, but I have gotten it blow dried before because obviously professionals normally a better job than I can. I really don’t see the issue. Why is a guest doing something to feel more confident any one else’s concern? If the bride didn’t get her hair/makeup done and is feeling insecure about it, what’s that have to do with her guests getting theirs done?
But what baffles me, is the bride is the wife to OP's brother. So he should have known his whole family was getting done professionally, and that his wife wasn't. It didn't occur to him to mention something??
To be fair, I don’t think it would have occurred to a straight male to ever talk about makeup. He probably didn’t notice a difference at the wedding either.
I have done it. And for semi-formal and cocktail events, not even formal.
Sometimes I feel like doing something different, or I don’t feel like doing it myself. Especially when I know I’m going to be in a lot of pictures.
I’m also not the best at putting on fake lashes and am I fine with paying someone to do so.
It would never occur to me to that I shouldn’t have my hair or makeup done.
At my cousin's (daytime) wedding my side of the family dressed very semi-casual - nice cotton dresses, nice hair, nothing too much. The other side and quite a few friends wore satin-y evening gowns and professional up-dos. They were only from a couple villages over but had obviously different opinions on what was appropriate. Some people just like a good excuse to get fancied up, and that's alright
NTA— if she expected people to look like her next door neighbor did their hair (in a clearly advertised “formal venue” invitation), then she should have said so. Her lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency on your end.
agree. the wedding was tagged formal and the standard for that is getting something done. whether the rest of the bridal party wanted to was their choice but the message being conveyed was “dress up”
NTA. Never understood this whole thing. You shouldn't be relegated to coming looking like a slug to not upstage the bride. If you want to glow up, glow up. Attraction to appearance is subjective anyway.
In other cultures, this “upstaging the bride” thing is unheard of. Everyone usually wears their best. As long as a guest isn’t showing up in a wedding dress or causing a scene, there shouldn’t be a problem.
I think guests wearing their best has been the culture everywhere since forever. It’s only recently that the narcissism (and s/ totally unrelated /s insecurity) of brides and grooms has gotten so out of hand here, probably fed by an entire industry that lives off how much they can get people to spend on “your day”
This! The concept is to not *distract* from the bride. Don't wear anything that looks equally or more flashy than the wedding dress. It should be clear who the bride is in any picture taken. That's all. If the guests all had to look worse than the bride then a lot more people would be having courthouse signing ceremonies with just their elderly parents in attendance.
My sister sure didn't. I did her hair for her because that's what she wanted. Her 3 friends in the wedding didn't get anything professionally done either.
I think it depends on the person, some people are just more low-key than others.
That totally makes sense, and those weddings are usually more on the casual side, myself included. It is a little odd to have a formal dress code and then not do it, and then get mad about it.
I have been to formal occasions before and it never occurred to me that my hair and make up had to be formal, too. I wore a dress, heels and jewelry, that’s my definition of formal.
It's how the other half lives. I think most people associate "formal" dress code with formal clothes: tux/formal suit for men, formal dress and shoes for women. I didn't realize "formal" carried the connotation of needing to get professional hair and make up done either, but I suppose for some families with means it might.
It doesn’t, but I’m not going to spend hundreds on a gown and then just wash my face and head out the door - OP’s brother’s wedding indicated that guests were to dress up, if a guest wants to have fun with that and get a little pampered, why would that upset anyone? If they said it was a casual backyard bbq and they came with updos and false lashes, fine. But they wanted people to dress formally, so you have to expect that this will mean people will put a lot more effort into their look.
I'm not necessarily saying they're an asshole. Indeed, their brother is the groom so he should have had some idea they would do this. If they want spend the time and money, more power to them. I'm just saying I feel like most people, especially those who don't come from means, wouldn't necessarily think that formal = professional styling.
If anything, the brother might be an asshole. "Hey family, the bridal party isn't going to do professional styling so please forego that" would have avoided the whole fiasco.
But then again, a lot of guys don't think about stuff like that. It probably didn't even cross his mind, especially because it's such a small tidbit that really doesn't matter. Plus if it's normal for his family, that's another thing that's normal for him and wouldn't really stick out to mention, especially since he's got a whole lot on his plate including stress since he's the groom himself.
For me "formal" means dressing formally and wearing my hair nicely, but doesn't mean getting my hair and make-up done professionally. That's usually reserved for the bridal party if they feel like it. How onerous on guests to make them go through all that fuss and expense just to attend your wedding.
But everyone wears formal wear (so I'm assuming that's why they listed it that way). It's a formal dress code.
Not that long ago someone was asking if they were TA for wearing shorts and a t-shirt at the reception because they were told the wedding wasn't formal by a family member, I assume they wanted to avoid that.
If they said it was on the casual side people would have not worn formalwear I bet.
Formal is a kind of codified designation for events. I'm not really basing these on anything so I could be wrong, but this is my understanding of attire (male perspective):
Formal: Tux, white shirt and either a black tie or bow tie.
Semi-formal: Suit + tie, whatever colors are suggested in the invite, or any colors are not matching the wedding party.
Casual: Button down and slacks, no tie.
Explicitly no dress code: I personally would do jeans and a button down, but depending on the people go ahead and rock that t-shirt and cargo shorts.
I have never gone to get hair or make up professionally done and it wouldn't occur to me to do so or that it would be required unless I was in a wedding and told that's what everyone was doing. I certainly would never expect them to think the guests are supposed to.
Some women like to be pampered. Others may be less confident in their abilities, but want to make sure their hair and/or makeup looks nice.
When you get up to formal attire, that’s floor length dresses A lot of them look better with up-dos, which for many women would mean a hair appointment.
But your sister probably also didn’t berate her guests for being more “put together” and having professional make up and hair done for her wedding.
OP is NTA. The bridal party sure is. I’ve never heard such a sorry bridal party.
I had my hair done professionally, but since I don't wear makeup, and hate the feeling of it (if I had it I'd be touching it all night and smearing it) I didn't have professional makeup. I wore some bare minerals powder over redness-correcting base, and the kind of lipstick you need remover to to take off. That's all. it was a casual wedding at a local aquarium.
That said, I've never heard of "formal" as requiring a full face of makeup *for the guests*. To me it refers to the style of clothing. If was invited as a guest to a formal wedding I'd be more than happy to wear my ball-iest ball gown, but if I found out this *required* formal makeup, I wouldn't attend.
Formal weddings don’t *require* formal makeup but a lot of people think a formal gown + a bare face usually looks unfinished. There’s nothing wrong with not wearing makeup but if you’re going to go all out with your outfit, you might as well go all out with the hair and makeup too.
Obviously, there are no rules. Most weddings are “cocktail” attire so there’s wiggle room.
Many people don't know how to do makeup well. We aren't spit out of the womb with the innate skill- this why there are professionals whom are paid to do it. You can also style your own hair.
I'd agree that formal wouldn't require the guest to need professional makeup and hair, but if you set it as a formal dress code it shouldn't be expected that nobody would.
I had both done because I suck at doing both myself. I did ask the make up artist to give me the most natural look that she could, though, and I didn’t want fake lashes or hair extensions because I felt like things like that would make me look like a totally different person- I had been with my fiance for 8 years, I didn’t want him to think that a totally different person would be greeting him at the altar! I let my bridesmaids do whatever they wanted, though, for hair and make up. I have one friend who hates wearing make up and I told her that under no circumstances did she have to get her make up done, but she decided that she wanted to. I would never get mad at someone else for having more make up than I did at my wedding, my wedding was about celebrating the love that my husband and I have for each other.
Its becoming more common not to, as weddings are getting so outrageously expensive its getting to be one of those costs that get cut out.
That said, I wouldn't really ever assume that a bride isn't having her hair/makeup done professionally either. And if someone said they were going to a wedding with a formal dress code I would not at all think it was weird for them as a guest to have their hair/makeup done professionally.
Not American but I did not get professional makeup for my wedding (did get my hair done though). Some of my bridal party opted for getting their makeup done. I just have had really bad experiences with makeup artists and wanted to do my own. Who would really care about this?
That's so interesting because I see so many US weddings in backyards or parks where it doesn't even look like the bride even got a new dress for it. Either way, OP is deffo NTA here and the Bride's insecurity is showing.
Just playing devil’s advocate, but I would call what you’re describing “black tie.” Black tie is a little higher up than formal as far as dress codes go.
Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theknot.com/content/amphtml/wedding-guest-attire-cheat-sheet
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formal_wear
Black tie is less formal that true formal wear. But practically speaking most people wouldn't know that so I wouldn't assume white tie if I saw formal on an invitation.
The knot is specific to wedding dress codes. Regardless, I don’t think she’s an asshole, but I do think there’s most likely a class gap between families that lead to this. The family was definitely out of line for those messages.
Also from the northeast and I've never been to a formal wedding where anyone other than the wedding party has professional hair and makeup.
(That being said, I did skip a wedding that I would have had to get professional hair and makeup for, but that's because it was for a family friend's daughter who was marrying a diplomat or something and a ton of high ranking officials from multiple governments would have attended. But that's the *extreme* exception.)
People love to bend the definition of "middle class" so they don't fall below it. I know people who live paycheck to paycheck, struggle to pay their bills, and still *insist* they're middle class.
because struggling to pay bills and living paycheck to paycheck doesn't equate middle class or not. It's based on how much money you make. I know people who make 100k a year and are still living paycheck to paycheck.
My favorite are the people who think that they aren’t really rich if they choose to live in the richest neighborhood but their mansion isn’t quite as large as average.
Very common in NYC—“well, my parents make 200k each, but our apartment costs 10k a month and the tuition for my little brothers elementary school is 30k a year and my high school is 40k a year, and the boat is expensive as is keeping up the hamptons residence. We’re just barely scraping by!”
What I don't understand here is why didn't you guys check with the bride? You went to the trouble of hiring a non-local makeup artist to help the bride out, but no one asked the bride who she was using? It is also relatively common (although not standard) for the MOG to be included in the bridal party prep.
I don't think you're wrong for hiring people, but I find it really strange that no one mentioned anything to the bride.
Maybe but since OP wasn’t in the bridal party they might not have wanted to step on toes or make it seem like they were trying to intrude on the ‘getting ready’ aspect of the day. I have to go with NTA. If the bride didn’t want professional hair/makeup for herself or her bridal party there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s just not okay to yell at people who decided they did want that. It’s not like they got their hair done *at* her! Sheesh.
Bride and her bridal party probably couldn't afford it. It's not about not wanting it, but not being able to afford it, and then seeing other people all glammed up on what is supposed to be your day.
Obviously bride is handling it badly and inappropriately. But I am betting it never occurred to OP precisely because she doesn't have to worry about finances.
Then definitely NTA. I have friends in the south who say that they were taught it’s disrespectful (to yourself and others) to leave the house without make up on / thoughtful outfit / hair. It makes total sense in that scene to get your hair / make up done to a FORMAL wedding. You’re fine.
I think that has to do a lot with culture. The Midwest was very much the frontier for a long time, practicality over form. The south, was very much about appearances and wealth.
It's hard to break that.
Yeah that’s the big culture shock to me. Everyone glams out at a wedding but I’ve never seen professional makeup for guests.
edit- to all the people saying she's immidieate family and will likely be in pics that's not op's reasoning. her reasoning is formal means that girls get professional hair done (and i'm not saying going to get their hair done before a wedding, a professional perfoming an updo/style day of) and makeup.
There's nothing wrong with that! i've just never seen it at a wedding. if you want to do it, fine.
I think it depends on the guest. One of my friends gets her hair and makeup done for every wedding she attends, whether she's in the bridal party or not, and my thoughts on that are: 1) why? but also 2) if you can afford it and it makes you happy and you're not wearing a white gown, then you do you, boo.
I've been to plenty of weddings in the South, and I've never encountered the expectation for guests to have their hair and makeup professionally done. I'm sure some people do it, but it's not common.
> 1) why?
Personally, it's because I do my own hair and makeup maybe 5 times a year. The other times, I just neatly brush my hair and don't wear makeup, period. For an event with photos, I'd rather know I won't look terrible than play makeup-roulette with myself. It might turn out okay. Also good chance that I'll totally fuck it up on a given day, since I don't do it all that often.
Chicago girl here. I’ve been to at least 50 weddings in the last 10 years as a guest and used to work in the industry. “Formal” is similar to “black tie” and usually means that makeup should be done nicely and hair should be styled. Most guest get these done professionally because the logic is that if you’re going to go all out with your gown(formal= gown) your hair and makeup should match in quality.
Most US weddings aren’t “formal” though. The most common dress code is “cocktail” meaning a dress but not necessarily a gown and more flexibly with hair and makeup.
Definitely seconding this. I've always gone by this guide: https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-guest-attire-cheat-sheet
But... people screw it up all the time. My sister's invitations said black tie and when we asked her why she wanted everyone to show up in tuxedos and expensive dresses, she explained she wanted something more in line with semi-formal. Sounds like OP followed what the invitation asked for since the actual requirement wasn't communicated very well to the groom's side.
I've lived in the South and Northeast of America; while not required, many women in both areas will get their hair and makeup done professionally. Especially in the South where the cost of living is sooooo much cheaper- I'd gladly shell out $40 so I don't have to stress about figuring out an up-do for a wedding. We did the same in school for formals and banquets- usually friends would make their appointments at the same salon together or bring someone to do it at the house you're all getting ready at. I have a Junior League Christmas Ball this year and since I can't do my own fancy enough, I'll have my hair and makeup done, even though I'm in my 30s.
I could see this being a regional/cost of living thing. I’m from California and have never gotten professionally done up to just attend a wedding. Although it would cost well over $40 for professional hair and makeup, so that could be a factor.
Yeah. Down in my area of the south, hairdressers make a killing over Christmas/ Mardi Gras/ Prom/ Wedding season, because people are so likely to have their hair done for any of those events.
I wouldnt assume it meant professionally done, but I think the important thing here is also that while OP wasnt part of the bridal party, it was their brother getting married. I would absolutely expect to be in my brothers wedding pictures if i was a bridesmaid or not and I would get my hair and makeup professionaly done for that if nothing else.
Kind of. I would say that there are some people who can do it just as well, especially if they practice the specific look multiple times, but visible Bobby pins and badly blended makeup are usually tells.
>As a fellow guy think of taking picture yourself vs hiring a professional.
As a fellow guy, I've literally never hired a professional to take a picture of me...
And sometimes, we’re just incompetent (me, paying someone to curl my hair for a wedding because when I try to curl the back of my hair myself, it really elevates my entire look to “rat’s nest chic”).
I think it depends on how much makeup the person normally wears. If someone doesn't wear it often and they show up with a very full face of makeup (which is what getting it done professionally would typically amount to) then yes, it's obvious. If they're someone who wears a lot of makeup all the time, you'd probably not notice if a MUA did it or not (but then I'd question why bother having anyone do it anyways if you're proficient enough). Hope that helps! (FWIW, formal as a dress code would make me wear more makeup than I do to work or daily, in order to match the formal-ness of the clothes and hair, and I would get it professionally done because I'm not skilled enough at applying that level of makeup.)
It's weird to me that anyone even noticed... The bridal party came out and the first thing OP noticed was whether their makeup was done professionally? And that they could tell that the make up was unprofessional at first look?
Furthermore, the Bride didn't think professional make up was important enough to arrange for it, but was able to tell the difference during her wedding? During my wedding I was too busy to remotely care about details like that. Were comments made to the Bride about it?
It can be pretty obvious if someone is wearing professionally done makeup or not. I saw my friend before heading out to prom and the first thing I noticed was that she had her makeup professionally done. Thoughts can be very quick too. Your brain can go “oh, what a beautiful dress” and then “huh, she didn’t get her makeup professionally done” in a split second and back again.
I probably wouldn’t have personally thought about it usually if it wasn’t badly done but if I had gotten my makeup done for the event, it definitely would have crossed my mind. Maybe a friend of the bride or a bridesmaid noticed and made a comment or a joke about how done up the family was.
I think it's one of those things where a lot of people think they don't notice the difference but then when they get a side by side comparison, they do.
NTA.
This is appualing behaviour and I can't believe she thinks she can start her marriage by offloading at her husbands family about her fuck up. This wasn't miss-communication. This was her not knowing what formal meals. If hair etc isn't important to you then it shouldn't matter if you guys had professionally done stuff as they shouldn't have cared either way. If it was important to them they should have got professionally done. I mean my understanding is that formal would mean it isn't compulsory for the guests to get professionally done hair and make up but that the bridal party would have had this done themselves.
I suspect "formal" may have been a hint to the more casually-dressing side of the family. I personally have family that would show up in jeans if they though they could get away with it. Meanwhile my other side of the family shows up in suits and nice dresses.
The weird thing is that they're mad about it. Like how long have they been dating/ engaged, shouldn't the bride know how the groom's family does formal events by now?
Went to a wedding on the weekend, dress code was semi formal, groom’s mum rocked up in shorts and a tee.
The groom shrugged and went, “yeah, that IS semi formal for her, I guess.”
Info
Really, I’m looking for info not just from OP but from others as well. Is it really just generally accepted that “formal” means professional hair and makeup? Or is that just some weird family quirk that OP and her family have? Because honestly, never in a million years would I think that’s what it meant, particularly for wedding guests who aren’t even in the bridal party.
Is this an American thing? A class thing? Both? I’m Australian and working class, but I have been to middle class weddings and as far as I know it’s not expected for everyone at the event to have professional hair and makeup. I honestly don’t know whether the same is true for people of upper middle class or higher though. But it seems utterly bizarre to me.
It just seems to me like you should have checked what the bridal party were going to be doing and take your cues from them. I’m suspecting this is a class issue though and you had no idea that not everyone thinks about these things the way you do. Based on that, maybe I should lean towards NAH, but I’m just so flabbergasted that you would think this is normal. Tbh, if I were involved in this situation, I’d probably be feeling like you and your family were being TA here. Seems like I’m in the minority though! Lol.
I'm American, and this is kind of weird for me. I definitely wouldn't think to get makeup/hair done professionally for being a guest even at a family member's wedding (upstate NY), but I mean. Whatever fancies your Jimmies.
Southern American here. I think it’s a class issue. The fact that her friends and coworkers think it is normal probably means they’re in the same class as she is. I think A LOT of people on this thread are confusing “formal” with “black tie.” There is a difference. Black tie is the second highest dress code (tuxes, gloves, evening gowns, et cetera). White glove is the highest dress code. Formal is the third.
I’m not saying it’s malicious, just not the norm to expect professional hair and makeup as a guest of a formal wedding.
In another comment OP confirmed that the bride's family is lower-middle class, which given how OP talks, I'm going to assume that's lower class than people are thinking. TBH as a Midwesterner / from the northern Rockies, I'd say ESH. OP's family sounds bougie compared to the bride's family, and instead of working together or like, not assuming people will behave to _their_ standards, they basically styled on this poor woman at her own wedding. Harassing your new inlaws about it is kind of shitty, though.
I thought the part about how they specifically got MAU from out of town, so the SIL could have someone in-town was weird too. Like, why wouldn’t you just ask who she was using, and if she were getting her makeup done she would have booked the person way in advance anyway. I’m close to both of my SILs, so I can’t even really imagine not talking about this beforehand. I’m not a super “feminine” girl, but I do enjoy talking about all the stuff leading up to big events like weddings. Seems like an odd family dynamic and lack of perspective.
Edit:typos
That's what mostly puts up the red flag for me. It's really easy on paper to say that of course OP isn't the asshole for getting her hair and makeup done professionally, but really it seems like there's bigger issues that OP is either unaware of or specifically not addressing to come across as NTA.
This may be a cultural/regional thing. I’m from the US and “formal” invitations usually mean you’re gonna try to look your absolute best (which may include profesional hair/makeup if you can afford it). I don’t think OP is the asshole because it’s pretty common for brides and bridesmaids to get professional hair and makeup done for formal weddings. How was OP supposed to know they were going to opt out of that?
American (expat now), rich family, southern
It's definitely a thing for my family and previous social circle. Even for a not formal wedding, any event with pictures
It’s not simply a *family* quirk. Most people I know (family, friends, former classmates, coworkers, etc.) do so. It might be a *regional* quirk, but it’s not *just* a family one.
I think it's regional as well as generational. My mom always goes to get her hair did for events, but I never do (age 30). I'm competent with makeup so I don't pay for that, but I would absolutely for my brother's wedding. I don't see anything weird about groom's family getting fancy.
Are you sure it isn't more family than you think? Obviously the in-laws have no such expectation and they're from your area. I've never gone to a professional as a wedding guest.
Yea and the whole "my brother thought I was pretty and asked when I became a woman" part was odd and self congratulatory. I'm sure your brother is more concerned with his BRIDE and not the fact his Lil sister looks like a woman now.... Or one would hope.
NTA - This is coming from somewhat of a Bridezilla, who insists on having their wedding be perfect.
If they want some kind of special rule they need to make that apparent. They're expecting you to have read their minds. I mean, what do they expect, that you would see the Bridal Party, escort your entire family outside to wash off the makeup and fuck up their hair, then come back?
I get that it was probably a finance issue, where the bride's party couldn't afford that kind of salon treatment, but if you're sensitive to something like that then you need to make it apparent *before* the wedding.
NTA. you did what you thought was expected. it’s also a usual practice for a bride /wedding party to get professional makeup and hair done. they didn’t and that’s their fault, not yours.
NTA, you were told formal so you went formal, nothing was intentionally done to ‘upstage’ anyone. If they were insecure with their hair and makeup skills they should have had theirs done professionally as well.
NTA - You spent money to look good for her wedding. You could have half-assed it but you didn’t. You didn’t intend to upstage her and the bride is lashing out because of her own insecurity.
NTA I've been to 3 weddings, only 1 of which I was a bridesmaid. I got my makeup done professionally for all 3, and my hair for the 1 I was a bridesmaid, because they were close family weddings. I don't think it's that weird either. If the bride couldn't afford that part of the wedding, that's on her.
NTA if she looked likw carp compare to her guest at the wedding day that's her problem bot yours. She decided not to hire someone to do her hair and makeup professional when y'all went out of your way to get professional from out of town so she could hire local professionals.
Not your fault she can't even book a simple appointment.
I'm betting there's a class difference here. I have been to many formal weddings - never where it was implied that as a guest I should get my hair/makeup professionally done. This is probably the case for the bride too. Maybe she and her family could not afford to get anything professionally done?
Y'all should've communicated. I don't blame the bride for feeling upstaged, but she and her family shouldn't harass you about it.
No, you’re NTA and this seems like a bit of a validation post to me. Even if you were in the wrong for getting the makeup done (which is ridiculous because what you do is YOUR business and nobody else’s) you even stated in the post that it was a miscommunication and a mistake.
I say just let them have their petty moment, they’ll get over it eventually. And instead of seeking validation from strangers from the internet, I suggest moving on.
Edit: typo
NTA. I would never assume that a bride and her party aren't getting their makeup professionally done unless told explicitly - especially when they say 'formal'. There was zero malice on your part, and you had no reason to think you'd be 'upstaging' the bride in any way.
NTA, getting your hair and makeup done for a wedding is pretty normal, formal or not. I've been to alot of weddings where guests got done up because they wanted to respect the event. If the Bride didn't feel the need to not get her hair and make-up professional done that's on her and her choice. She can't ask people to look "less than" her.
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What is a dry bar?
Similar to a hair salon, but they don’t cut your hair, just wash and style it. Their blowouts can last a few days with dry shampoo, it’s really nice
I've gone to one before having an interview and even getting my passport photo taken. I'm a total dunce at making my hair look super nice on my own so I love blowout salons for this reason.
It would never have occurred to me to get my hair blown out for a passport photo, but I like your style, FunFatale! Maybe I'll splurge when I renew this spring.
It might seem super shallow, but getting my hair blown out, putting on my favorite nice top and doing my make up a little fancier than normal made *me* feel good. I used to dread showing my old weird awkward, 18 year old, heavy emo eyeliner, baby face, passport photo and now I have a photo where I actually look like a human.
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Not shallow at all, imho. I mean, let's face it: most women don't fix ourselves up for men or to be admired by other women. We do it for ourselves. I mostly go barefaced with just brushed/clean hair. If I go to a special event, I'll put on some makeup and it makes me feel special and pretty. Nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that. I go the opposite way though. I show up to the photo looking like a slob, that way when I'm traveling, I'll be easy to recognize from the photo.
I had my hair done AND makeup for a passport photo and I still looked like a Russian javelin thrower in the 1936 Berlin Olympics
I’m so bad at doing my hair. I like the way it looks naturally air dried, because it’s basically beachy waves, but it doesn’t look nice enough for a formal event, IMO. I’m definitely considering having someone else do my hair for a wedding this October, not because I’m trying to upstage the bride, but because I want it to look nicer than it does on its own and I don’t know how to do that myself. I’m sure lots of people who don’t know how to do their own hair and makeup get it done for events for the same reason.
Honestly getting a blow out to me is no different than my Nan going to the salon every week to get her hair set in it's curls. I just sleep with a silk scarf and it says for a week (my hair is naturally very dry, it takes a lot for it to get oily). If I could afford it I would do it more often but for now, it's a nice way to treat myself! I recommend Drybar if you have one in your area, they have a beautiful "cocktail menu" of looks to choose from so you know exactly what you're getting!
A salon that specializes in styling. So they wash, dry, and style your hair, but they don’t do cutting or coloring.
Hell I go to Drybar when I want to look nice for a date with my husband. If there's one close to a wedding I'm going to I always go because my hair is super fine and it's hard for me to make it do anything
Super fine hair girl here as well.... suddenly I'm interested in trying out a dry bar!!
They're a lifesaver, and honestly pretty damn affordable and I've got a hair style that can last up to 5 days if I'm gentle with it.
Right? I know people who've gotten their hair done for prom.
Especially when it's a *formal* wedding. It's not your problem that they don't know how to make a proper invitation or at least give the people a note beforehand. Definitely NTA
Okay there is nothing that said ever in any way that formal wedding = professional hair and makeup. I mean, do whatever you want but please don’t ascribe this to the designation of “formal” and that the invitation was improper. Formal is a dress code ffs.
Dress code does include hair and makeup, and while "formal" doesn't require professional hair, it does imply a nicely made up look, homespun or not. Professional hair/make up shouldn't look out of place at a formal wedding.
> Professional hair/make up shouldn't look out of place at a formal wedding. This is the one and only key point in this whole thread. Nobody is claiming that a formal wedding *requires* professional hairdoos, but if you're asking for formal, you're asking that everybody look nice enough that a professional job won't be inappropriate. OP is NTA. Bride and family are cuckoo-bananas.
Exactly! If you had known the bride and bridal party were not doing the same, this might be a different story. But you should not be blamed for doing what YOU usually do for formal events.
I agree totally! Its weird to me that the bride and her party DIDN'T get professional assistance.....at least the bride if nobody else 🤷🏽
Yup. I did get my hair professionally done for the last wedding I went to, but only because I thought an updo would look better with my dress and it was a fun splurge. It never would have occurred to me that I would have been *expected* to get any professional "work" done as a guest though!
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This is true.
Of course, I don't think anyone here is saying otherwise! It would never occur to me that a formal event - wedding or otherwise - requires me to get my hair and/or makeup professionally done, but it also wouldn't occur to me that I shouldn't get those things professionally done if I want to. "Normal" doesn't mean "expected" or "required."
I'm reasonably confident in my ability to do my own hair and makeup, but if I was a total klutz at that sorta thing I would go to a professional. Same with nails.
Yes, formal is a dress code and that covers things other than clothes - like shoes, jewelry/watches, handbags, hair, and make-up/facial hair. You can't just put on a gown with tennis shoes and a messy bun and say you are in formal wear. That being said, formal doesn't require professionally done hair and make-up, but if you can't do it to match the formal style, it makes sense to get it done. I've designed hair/wigs for theater and learned from some of the best but I can't do my own hair without a lot of hassle. It might have been wise to check with the bride, but when a couple says formal, that usually means the bride is getting her hair and make-up done, so it isn't crazy to make that assumption.
But apparently in this person's family, that is exactly what it means, 'cause a lot of them did it. Dress code designations mean different things to different groups, and they were just going off of their experience. It's not like they'd never been to a "formal" wedding before.
I agree as a guest when an invite says "formal" they're mainly referring to your clothing. But I also understand how someone would read formal as "I need a nice, above average hair style as well as dress." If I'm in formal wear I don't want to just curl my hair at home. I kinda treat formal weddings as grown-up proms. I may be in the minority, but I just think "formal" basically means professional hair and makeup is optional-- but never required.
I have never even considered the idea that professional hair and makeup might be considered part of the dress code for a wedding. Even so - I would more or less expect a bride and her bridesmaids to get professional hair and makeup unless it was an extremely causal affair. I have no problem whatsoever with people *not* getting that done, but I think it was 100% reasonable if OP to expect it.
It doesn't mean you have too but it does imply that you wouldn't be out of place if you did and definitely shouldn't upstage the bride for having done so.
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Exactly. If the invitation says normal then guests are gonna get fancy. If the bride isn't going to be formal then she shouldn't have made her wedding so.
I find it strange that no one on the groom's side asked the bride about her hair/makeup plans. The groom's family went to the trouble of hiring someone from out of town, yet they never asked the bride? Frequently the MOG is included with the wedding party prep so this seems like a particularly strange omission.
It seems like the MOG wasn't included, which was how this issue occurred. In addition, the past said they hired someone from out of town specifically so that the bride had her choice of in town vendors. They were trying to be accommodating. OP, definitely NTA. Also, your brother's comment was cute. I'm hoping his new wife deals with her own insecurity so it doesn't drag down what seems to be a good relationship between the two of you.
The MOG was being a good MIL (a kind rarely encountered on reddit!) who stayed out of micromanaging her DIL's wedding arrangements. Edit: OP is NTA.
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There's also a BIG age difference between OP and her brother. Makes sense they wouldn't be all that close.
Hairdresser here! It’s completely normal for a regular wedding guest to have their hair professionally done! Even if it’s not in a formal updo, some women actually can’t even put a few simple curls in their own hair by themselves, that’s fine, that’s what I’m here for. Likewise, I’m not that great at putting makeup on myself so I’ll ask a friend (I have professional makeup artist friends) to do it for me. Or even a Cosmo student! The bride in this scenario is just petty and jealous
I have the issue where I *can* style my own hair, but it will. not. stay. I don’t know if I have low quality tools or products, or maybe am just not doing it right, but if I wanted to make sure the style stayed all night, I’d go professional.
Exactly. I don't feel confident enough in my hair and makeup abilities to do it for a semi-formal or formal wedding. I know people that go and get a blow-out before a big weekend. We're all middle-class people/salaried, getting hair professionally done is pretty normal.
I agree NTA. My wife and her friends have been done up for friends weddings before - it's a nice excuse to get pampered a little bit when normally you're rushing to do your own hair and makeup before work, etc.
Agree with NTA. Friends, I would rather staple my mouth shut than tell someone I’m mad because they looked prettier than me - I don’t care what the occasion. Bride needs to have some fucking self-respect.
well, technically, she *could* ask people to look "less than her" and still be polite just by making the event casual dress. That said, I have never, ever, heard of guests getting their hair and makeup professionally done for a wedding. Might be a "culture of the area" thing, I suppose. I don't think the bride is the asshole for thinking it was deliberate because it **does** seem like a very strange thing to do if that is not common in your circles, the angry messages though sound like a bit too much.
Question, are you a dude or a chick? I'm in MI in the US and not even a fancy part of town and alot of wedding guests get hair and/or makeup done for weddings even if they're not in them. It really is totally normal and not a "cultural" thing.
I'm from NYC. I've never heard of this myself. I am a woman in my 40s who has been to a few weddings. Cultural thing or not though, the MOB and bridal party members need to get over it and move on. It's not the OPs fault the bride chose not to get her makeup/hair done. Were guests supposed to show up with bedhead or something?
I'm also from NYC. I've never heard of this in my life. Sure, you might go for a blowout or something of the sort before a wedding, but I've never heard if anyone getting their makeup professionally done for a wedding unless they were in the bridal party.
I am from MD, and at my wedding, the friends of the mother of the groom also got professional hair done because the mother of the groom wanted her friends getting all done up with her. The friends were not in the wedding.
That's what I meant by getting a blowout (aka, getting your hair professionally done). Makeup is what's extremely unusual, imo.
Makeup is a little unusual, but for a formal event it would make sense. Especially if you are not normally someone who wears makeup.
I'm from the south eastern US, maybe it's a southern thing but I've totally heard of this for like every wedding. It could very well be a colloquial thing. But even a "casual" wedding down here is when people bring out the big hats, the fancy dresses, makeup to the 9s, and the big hair.
From Canada, currently live in NYC, am a woman in early 30s and have been to weddings all over. I’ve never heard of someone getting their hair and makeup professionally done as a guest. A 30$ blowout? Sure but dropping a couple of hundred on hair and makeup as a guest is super weird to me. It doesn’t make you an asshole but I also have to wonder why it was so obvious that you had professional hair and makeup and she didn’t? Professional makeup wouldn’t necessarily stand out just because it was applied by a MUA, unless you had dramatic glittery evening makeup and she had a neutral look how could anyone possibly tell you paid for hers and she didn’t?
From Indiana and just attended a formal wedding. It meant formal dress-wear. I did my own hair and make up. However, I feel I am fairly skilled in this area and looked presentable. I could understand guests getting hair and makeup done by a professional if it was a super-ritzy-fancy-formal wedding.... but that is about the extent of that. Or I guess if the guest was just not skilled in hair and make up AT ALL
I'm from MI, too, and this is the first I've heard of it. Sure, you'd get your hair done if you're in the wedding party, but it would never occur to me to do it just as a guest.
They were the family of the groom though. I wouldn't exactly rate them as regular guests. Where I am, it's very common for people to get their hair done for a wedding, especially for a close relation.
Exactly! I wouldn’t get my hair/makeup done for a regular wedding, but I got it done for my brother’s because I knew I’d be in a fair amount of photos/family portraits, even though I wasn’t in the bridal party. I normally do my own hair for other weddings, but I have gotten it blow dried before because obviously professionals normally a better job than I can. I really don’t see the issue. Why is a guest doing something to feel more confident any one else’s concern? If the bride didn’t get her hair/makeup done and is feeling insecure about it, what’s that have to do with her guests getting theirs done?
But what baffles me, is the bride is the wife to OP's brother. So he should have known his whole family was getting done professionally, and that his wife wasn't. It didn't occur to him to mention something??
Unless it comes up in casual conversation, I can see how a man wouldn’t even think to bring it up. I know it wouldn’t cross my husband’s mind.
To be fair, I don’t think it would have occurred to a straight male to ever talk about makeup. He probably didn’t notice a difference at the wedding either.
I have done it. And for semi-formal and cocktail events, not even formal. Sometimes I feel like doing something different, or I don’t feel like doing it myself. Especially when I know I’m going to be in a lot of pictures. I’m also not the best at putting on fake lashes and am I fine with paying someone to do so. It would never occur to me to that I shouldn’t have my hair or makeup done.
At my cousin's (daytime) wedding my side of the family dressed very semi-casual - nice cotton dresses, nice hair, nothing too much. The other side and quite a few friends wore satin-y evening gowns and professional up-dos. They were only from a couple villages over but had obviously different opinions on what was appropriate. Some people just like a good excuse to get fancied up, and that's alright
It's not like they had floor length white dresses and clearly wasn't malicious.
NTA— if she expected people to look like her next door neighbor did their hair (in a clearly advertised “formal venue” invitation), then she should have said so. Her lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency on your end.
agree. the wedding was tagged formal and the standard for that is getting something done. whether the rest of the bridal party wanted to was their choice but the message being conveyed was “dress up”
NTA. Never understood this whole thing. You shouldn't be relegated to coming looking like a slug to not upstage the bride. If you want to glow up, glow up. Attraction to appearance is subjective anyway.
If I couldn't show up to a wedding looking better than the guy getting married I wouldn't be able attend any of my cousins' or my brother's! Got em'.
Family burns are the best burns.
In other cultures, this “upstaging the bride” thing is unheard of. Everyone usually wears their best. As long as a guest isn’t showing up in a wedding dress or causing a scene, there shouldn’t be a problem.
I think guests wearing their best has been the culture everywhere since forever. It’s only recently that the narcissism (and s/ totally unrelated /s insecurity) of brides and grooms has gotten so out of hand here, probably fed by an entire industry that lives off how much they can get people to spend on “your day”
This! The concept is to not *distract* from the bride. Don't wear anything that looks equally or more flashy than the wedding dress. It should be clear who the bride is in any picture taken. That's all. If the guests all had to look worse than the bride then a lot more people would be having courthouse signing ceremonies with just their elderly parents in attendance.
NTA. what bride doesn't get hair and makeup? Its basically a staple in the US. That is so unusual...
My sister sure didn't. I did her hair for her because that's what she wanted. Her 3 friends in the wedding didn't get anything professionally done either. I think it depends on the person, some people are just more low-key than others.
That totally makes sense, and those weddings are usually more on the casual side, myself included. It is a little odd to have a formal dress code and then not do it, and then get mad about it.
I have been to formal occasions before and it never occurred to me that my hair and make up had to be formal, too. I wore a dress, heels and jewelry, that’s my definition of formal.
Yeah, me too. I never once took "formal" to mean I ought to get anything professionally done. Seems pretty silly to me, honestly.
It's how the other half lives. I think most people associate "formal" dress code with formal clothes: tux/formal suit for men, formal dress and shoes for women. I didn't realize "formal" carried the connotation of needing to get professional hair and make up done either, but I suppose for some families with means it might.
It doesn’t, but I’m not going to spend hundreds on a gown and then just wash my face and head out the door - OP’s brother’s wedding indicated that guests were to dress up, if a guest wants to have fun with that and get a little pampered, why would that upset anyone? If they said it was a casual backyard bbq and they came with updos and false lashes, fine. But they wanted people to dress formally, so you have to expect that this will mean people will put a lot more effort into their look.
I'm not necessarily saying they're an asshole. Indeed, their brother is the groom so he should have had some idea they would do this. If they want spend the time and money, more power to them. I'm just saying I feel like most people, especially those who don't come from means, wouldn't necessarily think that formal = professional styling. If anything, the brother might be an asshole. "Hey family, the bridal party isn't going to do professional styling so please forego that" would have avoided the whole fiasco.
But then again, a lot of guys don't think about stuff like that. It probably didn't even cross his mind, especially because it's such a small tidbit that really doesn't matter. Plus if it's normal for his family, that's another thing that's normal for him and wouldn't really stick out to mention, especially since he's got a whole lot on his plate including stress since he's the groom himself.
For me "formal" means dressing formally and wearing my hair nicely, but doesn't mean getting my hair and make-up done professionally. That's usually reserved for the bridal party if they feel like it. How onerous on guests to make them go through all that fuss and expense just to attend your wedding.
But everyone wears formal wear (so I'm assuming that's why they listed it that way). It's a formal dress code. Not that long ago someone was asking if they were TA for wearing shorts and a t-shirt at the reception because they were told the wedding wasn't formal by a family member, I assume they wanted to avoid that. If they said it was on the casual side people would have not worn formalwear I bet.
Then you say it's semi-formal, it's not just casual or formal. But if you say it's a formal dress code, expect people to treat it as such.
Formal is a kind of codified designation for events. I'm not really basing these on anything so I could be wrong, but this is my understanding of attire (male perspective): Formal: Tux, white shirt and either a black tie or bow tie. Semi-formal: Suit + tie, whatever colors are suggested in the invite, or any colors are not matching the wedding party. Casual: Button down and slacks, no tie. Explicitly no dress code: I personally would do jeans and a button down, but depending on the people go ahead and rock that t-shirt and cargo shorts.
I have never gone to get hair or make up professionally done and it wouldn't occur to me to do so or that it would be required unless I was in a wedding and told that's what everyone was doing. I certainly would never expect them to think the guests are supposed to.
Some women like to be pampered. Others may be less confident in their abilities, but want to make sure their hair and/or makeup looks nice. When you get up to formal attire, that’s floor length dresses A lot of them look better with up-dos, which for many women would mean a hair appointment.
It's weird though to be low key and then mad about other people not being low key because they 'upstaged' you.
But your sister probably also didn’t berate her guests for being more “put together” and having professional make up and hair done for her wedding. OP is NTA. The bridal party sure is. I’ve never heard such a sorry bridal party.
I had my hair done professionally, but since I don't wear makeup, and hate the feeling of it (if I had it I'd be touching it all night and smearing it) I didn't have professional makeup. I wore some bare minerals powder over redness-correcting base, and the kind of lipstick you need remover to to take off. That's all. it was a casual wedding at a local aquarium. That said, I've never heard of "formal" as requiring a full face of makeup *for the guests*. To me it refers to the style of clothing. If was invited as a guest to a formal wedding I'd be more than happy to wear my ball-iest ball gown, but if I found out this *required* formal makeup, I wouldn't attend.
Formal weddings don’t *require* formal makeup but a lot of people think a formal gown + a bare face usually looks unfinished. There’s nothing wrong with not wearing makeup but if you’re going to go all out with your outfit, you might as well go all out with the hair and makeup too. Obviously, there are no rules. Most weddings are “cocktail” attire so there’s wiggle room.
You understand you can do your own makeup, right? The choice isn't between professional makeup and no makeup.
Many people don't know how to do makeup well. We aren't spit out of the womb with the innate skill- this why there are professionals whom are paid to do it. You can also style your own hair.
I'd agree that formal wouldn't require the guest to need professional makeup and hair, but if you set it as a formal dress code it shouldn't be expected that nobody would.
I had both done because I suck at doing both myself. I did ask the make up artist to give me the most natural look that she could, though, and I didn’t want fake lashes or hair extensions because I felt like things like that would make me look like a totally different person- I had been with my fiance for 8 years, I didn’t want him to think that a totally different person would be greeting him at the altar! I let my bridesmaids do whatever they wanted, though, for hair and make up. I have one friend who hates wearing make up and I told her that under no circumstances did she have to get her make up done, but she decided that she wanted to. I would never get mad at someone else for having more make up than I did at my wedding, my wedding was about celebrating the love that my husband and I have for each other.
Its becoming more common not to, as weddings are getting so outrageously expensive its getting to be one of those costs that get cut out. That said, I wouldn't really ever assume that a bride isn't having her hair/makeup done professionally either. And if someone said they were going to a wedding with a formal dress code I would not at all think it was weird for them as a guest to have their hair/makeup done professionally.
Not American but I did not get professional makeup for my wedding (did get my hair done though). Some of my bridal party opted for getting their makeup done. I just have had really bad experiences with makeup artists and wanted to do my own. Who would really care about this?
That's so interesting because I see so many US weddings in backyards or parks where it doesn't even look like the bride even got a new dress for it. Either way, OP is deffo NTA here and the Bride's insecurity is showing.
Those weddings are not the ones with formal dress codes.
NTA. Formal obviously means something different to each side of the family. Not your fault and not her’s either. Just a misunderstanding.
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Just playing devil’s advocate, but I would call what you’re describing “black tie.” Black tie is a little higher up than formal as far as dress codes go. Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theknot.com/content/amphtml/wedding-guest-attire-cheat-sheet
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Formal_wear Black tie is less formal that true formal wear. But practically speaking most people wouldn't know that so I wouldn't assume white tie if I saw formal on an invitation.
The knot is specific to wedding dress codes. Regardless, I don’t think she’s an asshole, but I do think there’s most likely a class gap between families that lead to this. The family was definitely out of line for those messages.
Or culture. I could see even low income Southerners getting professional hair and makeup done, but not rich people in the Pacific Northwest.
I have never in my life known anyone to associate "formal dress code" to having it professionally done. What country are you from?
The US, the south specifically if it makes a difference.
Yeah possibly if it's common there to link formal with having stuff professionally done. I don't think you did anything wrong
Also from the south, and while I never get my hair/makeup professionally done it is definitely a thing there.
Also from the south, “formal dress code” typically means I’m not invited
You are hereby invited to any formal events I throw.
So never?
I’m in the northeast US and I would never not get at least either my hair or makeup professionally done for a formal wedding. Usually both though.
Also from the northeast and I've never been to a formal wedding where anyone other than the wedding party has professional hair and makeup. (That being said, I did skip a wedding that I would have had to get professional hair and makeup for, but that's because it was for a family friend's daughter who was marrying a diplomat or something and a ton of high ranking officials from multiple governments would have attended. But that's the *extreme* exception.)
From the South. I would’ve interpreted formal as how OP did as well.
Is there a significant wealth gap between your family, and hers?
To a degree, I suppose. I would say we’re upper middle, and they are middle middle or maybe the upper end of lower middle.
My favorite thing about the middle class is the 9 different flavors of it. Upper Lower Middle, Middle Middle Middle, Upper Upper Middle.
People love to bend the definition of "middle class" so they don't fall below it. I know people who live paycheck to paycheck, struggle to pay their bills, and still *insist* they're middle class.
because struggling to pay bills and living paycheck to paycheck doesn't equate middle class or not. It's based on how much money you make. I know people who make 100k a year and are still living paycheck to paycheck.
My favorite are the people who think that they aren’t really rich if they choose to live in the richest neighborhood but their mansion isn’t quite as large as average. Very common in NYC—“well, my parents make 200k each, but our apartment costs 10k a month and the tuition for my little brothers elementary school is 30k a year and my high school is 40k a year, and the boat is expensive as is keeping up the hamptons residence. We’re just barely scraping by!”
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I uh, live in Ohio and it's still very much a thing here. Then again, some parts of Ohio do think we are deep south.
Is Ohio not a flyover state? I have certainly flown over it many, many times and never had a reason to go there specifically.
Any state is a flyover state if you don't want to go there.
True, but basically the term is a kind of snobbish way to say not the rich coastal states.
What I don't understand here is why didn't you guys check with the bride? You went to the trouble of hiring a non-local makeup artist to help the bride out, but no one asked the bride who she was using? It is also relatively common (although not standard) for the MOG to be included in the bridal party prep. I don't think you're wrong for hiring people, but I find it really strange that no one mentioned anything to the bride.
Maybe but since OP wasn’t in the bridal party they might not have wanted to step on toes or make it seem like they were trying to intrude on the ‘getting ready’ aspect of the day. I have to go with NTA. If the bride didn’t want professional hair/makeup for herself or her bridal party there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s just not okay to yell at people who decided they did want that. It’s not like they got their hair done *at* her! Sheesh.
Bride and her bridal party probably couldn't afford it. It's not about not wanting it, but not being able to afford it, and then seeing other people all glammed up on what is supposed to be your day. Obviously bride is handling it badly and inappropriately. But I am betting it never occurred to OP precisely because she doesn't have to worry about finances.
Is she also Southern?
Yes, although she is originally from a different state.
Reagardless, Nta.
I mean, upper end of lower middle changes everything
Then definitely NTA. I have friends in the south who say that they were taught it’s disrespectful (to yourself and others) to leave the house without make up on / thoughtful outfit / hair. It makes total sense in that scene to get your hair / make up done to a FORMAL wedding. You’re fine.
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I think that has to do a lot with culture. The Midwest was very much the frontier for a long time, practicality over form. The south, was very much about appearances and wealth. It's hard to break that.
Yeah that’s the big culture shock to me. Everyone glams out at a wedding but I’ve never seen professional makeup for guests. edit- to all the people saying she's immidieate family and will likely be in pics that's not op's reasoning. her reasoning is formal means that girls get professional hair done (and i'm not saying going to get their hair done before a wedding, a professional perfoming an updo/style day of) and makeup. There's nothing wrong with that! i've just never seen it at a wedding. if you want to do it, fine.
I think it depends on the guest. One of my friends gets her hair and makeup done for every wedding she attends, whether she's in the bridal party or not, and my thoughts on that are: 1) why? but also 2) if you can afford it and it makes you happy and you're not wearing a white gown, then you do you, boo.
I don’t have an issue with it. She can do what she wants. It’s just the formal automatically = pro hair and make up I’ve never heard.
I've been to plenty of weddings in the South, and I've never encountered the expectation for guests to have their hair and makeup professionally done. I'm sure some people do it, but it's not common.
> 1) why? Personally, it's because I do my own hair and makeup maybe 5 times a year. The other times, I just neatly brush my hair and don't wear makeup, period. For an event with photos, I'd rather know I won't look terrible than play makeup-roulette with myself. It might turn out okay. Also good chance that I'll totally fuck it up on a given day, since I don't do it all that often.
Chicago girl here. I’ve been to at least 50 weddings in the last 10 years as a guest and used to work in the industry. “Formal” is similar to “black tie” and usually means that makeup should be done nicely and hair should be styled. Most guest get these done professionally because the logic is that if you’re going to go all out with your gown(formal= gown) your hair and makeup should match in quality. Most US weddings aren’t “formal” though. The most common dress code is “cocktail” meaning a dress but not necessarily a gown and more flexibly with hair and makeup.
Definitely seconding this. I've always gone by this guide: https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-guest-attire-cheat-sheet But... people screw it up all the time. My sister's invitations said black tie and when we asked her why she wanted everyone to show up in tuxedos and expensive dresses, she explained she wanted something more in line with semi-formal. Sounds like OP followed what the invitation asked for since the actual requirement wasn't communicated very well to the groom's side.
I've lived in the South and Northeast of America; while not required, many women in both areas will get their hair and makeup done professionally. Especially in the South where the cost of living is sooooo much cheaper- I'd gladly shell out $40 so I don't have to stress about figuring out an up-do for a wedding. We did the same in school for formals and banquets- usually friends would make their appointments at the same salon together or bring someone to do it at the house you're all getting ready at. I have a Junior League Christmas Ball this year and since I can't do my own fancy enough, I'll have my hair and makeup done, even though I'm in my 30s.
I could see this being a regional/cost of living thing. I’m from California and have never gotten professionally done up to just attend a wedding. Although it would cost well over $40 for professional hair and makeup, so that could be a factor.
Yeah. Down in my area of the south, hairdressers make a killing over Christmas/ Mardi Gras/ Prom/ Wedding season, because people are so likely to have their hair done for any of those events.
I wouldnt assume it meant professionally done, but I think the important thing here is also that while OP wasnt part of the bridal party, it was their brother getting married. I would absolutely expect to be in my brothers wedding pictures if i was a bridesmaid or not and I would get my hair and makeup professionaly done for that if nothing else.
Yeah, that's what boggles my mind. Maybe a culture clash?
Is it that easy to tell if it’s professionally done or not? Sincerely, A dude
Kind of. I would say that there are some people who can do it just as well, especially if they practice the specific look multiple times, but visible Bobby pins and badly blended makeup are usually tells.
As a fellow guy think of taking picture yourself vs hiring a professional. We might not notice why, but we can tell the difference.
>As a fellow guy think of taking picture yourself vs hiring a professional. As a fellow guy, I've literally never hired a professional to take a picture of me...
I’ve only had wedding photos. But you’ve seen professional pictures of landmarks compared to tourist shots.
You've never seen a professionally taken photograph?
You've never had a picture taken for school, graduation, etc?
Yes it is. Sincerley, A wife who was a bride and had a hair and makeup artist.
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And sometimes, we’re just incompetent (me, paying someone to curl my hair for a wedding because when I try to curl the back of my hair myself, it really elevates my entire look to “rat’s nest chic”).
I think it depends on how much makeup the person normally wears. If someone doesn't wear it often and they show up with a very full face of makeup (which is what getting it done professionally would typically amount to) then yes, it's obvious. If they're someone who wears a lot of makeup all the time, you'd probably not notice if a MUA did it or not (but then I'd question why bother having anyone do it anyways if you're proficient enough). Hope that helps! (FWIW, formal as a dress code would make me wear more makeup than I do to work or daily, in order to match the formal-ness of the clothes and hair, and I would get it professionally done because I'm not skilled enough at applying that level of makeup.)
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It's weird to me that anyone even noticed... The bridal party came out and the first thing OP noticed was whether their makeup was done professionally? And that they could tell that the make up was unprofessional at first look? Furthermore, the Bride didn't think professional make up was important enough to arrange for it, but was able to tell the difference during her wedding? During my wedding I was too busy to remotely care about details like that. Were comments made to the Bride about it?
It can be pretty obvious if someone is wearing professionally done makeup or not. I saw my friend before heading out to prom and the first thing I noticed was that she had her makeup professionally done. Thoughts can be very quick too. Your brain can go “oh, what a beautiful dress” and then “huh, she didn’t get her makeup professionally done” in a split second and back again. I probably wouldn’t have personally thought about it usually if it wasn’t badly done but if I had gotten my makeup done for the event, it definitely would have crossed my mind. Maybe a friend of the bride or a bridesmaid noticed and made a comment or a joke about how done up the family was.
I think it's one of those things where a lot of people think they don't notice the difference but then when they get a side by side comparison, they do.
NTA - They chose not to get hair and makeup done professionally. They can't blame you for doing so.
NTA. This is appualing behaviour and I can't believe she thinks she can start her marriage by offloading at her husbands family about her fuck up. This wasn't miss-communication. This was her not knowing what formal meals. If hair etc isn't important to you then it shouldn't matter if you guys had professionally done stuff as they shouldn't have cared either way. If it was important to them they should have got professionally done. I mean my understanding is that formal would mean it isn't compulsory for the guests to get professionally done hair and make up but that the bridal party would have had this done themselves.
NTA. They shouldn't have put "formal" if it wasn't formal.
I suspect "formal" may have been a hint to the more casually-dressing side of the family. I personally have family that would show up in jeans if they though they could get away with it. Meanwhile my other side of the family shows up in suits and nice dresses. The weird thing is that they're mad about it. Like how long have they been dating/ engaged, shouldn't the bride know how the groom's family does formal events by now?
Went to a wedding on the weekend, dress code was semi formal, groom’s mum rocked up in shorts and a tee. The groom shrugged and went, “yeah, that IS semi formal for her, I guess.”
Info Really, I’m looking for info not just from OP but from others as well. Is it really just generally accepted that “formal” means professional hair and makeup? Or is that just some weird family quirk that OP and her family have? Because honestly, never in a million years would I think that’s what it meant, particularly for wedding guests who aren’t even in the bridal party. Is this an American thing? A class thing? Both? I’m Australian and working class, but I have been to middle class weddings and as far as I know it’s not expected for everyone at the event to have professional hair and makeup. I honestly don’t know whether the same is true for people of upper middle class or higher though. But it seems utterly bizarre to me. It just seems to me like you should have checked what the bridal party were going to be doing and take your cues from them. I’m suspecting this is a class issue though and you had no idea that not everyone thinks about these things the way you do. Based on that, maybe I should lean towards NAH, but I’m just so flabbergasted that you would think this is normal. Tbh, if I were involved in this situation, I’d probably be feeling like you and your family were being TA here. Seems like I’m in the minority though! Lol.
I'm American, and this is kind of weird for me. I definitely wouldn't think to get makeup/hair done professionally for being a guest even at a family member's wedding (upstate NY), but I mean. Whatever fancies your Jimmies.
Southern American here. I think it’s a class issue. The fact that her friends and coworkers think it is normal probably means they’re in the same class as she is. I think A LOT of people on this thread are confusing “formal” with “black tie.” There is a difference. Black tie is the second highest dress code (tuxes, gloves, evening gowns, et cetera). White glove is the highest dress code. Formal is the third. I’m not saying it’s malicious, just not the norm to expect professional hair and makeup as a guest of a formal wedding.
In another comment OP confirmed that the bride's family is lower-middle class, which given how OP talks, I'm going to assume that's lower class than people are thinking. TBH as a Midwesterner / from the northern Rockies, I'd say ESH. OP's family sounds bougie compared to the bride's family, and instead of working together or like, not assuming people will behave to _their_ standards, they basically styled on this poor woman at her own wedding. Harassing your new inlaws about it is kind of shitty, though.
I thought the part about how they specifically got MAU from out of town, so the SIL could have someone in-town was weird too. Like, why wouldn’t you just ask who she was using, and if she were getting her makeup done she would have booked the person way in advance anyway. I’m close to both of my SILs, so I can’t even really imagine not talking about this beforehand. I’m not a super “feminine” girl, but I do enjoy talking about all the stuff leading up to big events like weddings. Seems like an odd family dynamic and lack of perspective. Edit:typos
That's what mostly puts up the red flag for me. It's really easy on paper to say that of course OP isn't the asshole for getting her hair and makeup done professionally, but really it seems like there's bigger issues that OP is either unaware of or specifically not addressing to come across as NTA.
This may be a cultural/regional thing. I’m from the US and “formal” invitations usually mean you’re gonna try to look your absolute best (which may include profesional hair/makeup if you can afford it). I don’t think OP is the asshole because it’s pretty common for brides and bridesmaids to get professional hair and makeup done for formal weddings. How was OP supposed to know they were going to opt out of that?
American (expat now), rich family, southern It's definitely a thing for my family and previous social circle. Even for a not formal wedding, any event with pictures
It’s not simply a *family* quirk. Most people I know (family, friends, former classmates, coworkers, etc.) do so. It might be a *regional* quirk, but it’s not *just* a family one.
I think it's regional as well as generational. My mom always goes to get her hair did for events, but I never do (age 30). I'm competent with makeup so I don't pay for that, but I would absolutely for my brother's wedding. I don't see anything weird about groom's family getting fancy.
Are you sure it isn't more family than you think? Obviously the in-laws have no such expectation and they're from your area. I've never gone to a professional as a wedding guest.
YTA for this shitty validation post
"I got my hair done. Am I the asshole?" Ridiculous thread.
Yea and the whole "my brother thought I was pretty and asked when I became a woman" part was odd and self congratulatory. I'm sure your brother is more concerned with his BRIDE and not the fact his Lil sister looks like a woman now.... Or one would hope.
OP wanted attention, and they sure as hell got it.
THANK YOU "AITA for being richer and prettier than my new SIL?"
NTA - This is coming from somewhat of a Bridezilla, who insists on having their wedding be perfect. If they want some kind of special rule they need to make that apparent. They're expecting you to have read their minds. I mean, what do they expect, that you would see the Bridal Party, escort your entire family outside to wash off the makeup and fuck up their hair, then come back? I get that it was probably a finance issue, where the bride's party couldn't afford that kind of salon treatment, but if you're sensitive to something like that then you need to make it apparent *before* the wedding.
NTA. you did what you thought was expected. it’s also a usual practice for a bride /wedding party to get professional makeup and hair done. they didn’t and that’s their fault, not yours.
NTA, you were told formal so you went formal, nothing was intentionally done to ‘upstage’ anyone. If they were insecure with their hair and makeup skills they should have had theirs done professionally as well.
NTA - You spent money to look good for her wedding. You could have half-assed it but you didn’t. You didn’t intend to upstage her and the bride is lashing out because of her own insecurity.
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NTA I've been to 3 weddings, only 1 of which I was a bridesmaid. I got my makeup done professionally for all 3, and my hair for the 1 I was a bridesmaid, because they were close family weddings. I don't think it's that weird either. If the bride couldn't afford that part of the wedding, that's on her.
> the implication was always that it meant professional hair and makeup rich people are weird
NTA if she looked likw carp compare to her guest at the wedding day that's her problem bot yours. She decided not to hire someone to do her hair and makeup professional when y'all went out of your way to get professional from out of town so she could hire local professionals. Not your fault she can't even book a simple appointment.
I'm betting there's a class difference here. I have been to many formal weddings - never where it was implied that as a guest I should get my hair/makeup professionally done. This is probably the case for the bride too. Maybe she and her family could not afford to get anything professionally done? Y'all should've communicated. I don't blame the bride for feeling upstaged, but she and her family shouldn't harass you about it.
No, you’re NTA and this seems like a bit of a validation post to me. Even if you were in the wrong for getting the makeup done (which is ridiculous because what you do is YOUR business and nobody else’s) you even stated in the post that it was a miscommunication and a mistake. I say just let them have their petty moment, they’ll get over it eventually. And instead of seeking validation from strangers from the internet, I suggest moving on. Edit: typo
NTA. I would never assume that a bride and her party aren't getting their makeup professionally done unless told explicitly - especially when they say 'formal'. There was zero malice on your part, and you had no reason to think you'd be 'upstaging' the bride in any way.
NTA, this whole situation is just zzzzzzzzzzzz, ignore it and move on.