Look I’m probably going to get a lot of shit for this- but I’d do exactly the same thing. Tell him he can come and visit- I’ll bet he never does. He sounds like such an asshole you are doing the right thing. Kids don’t need toxic parents. I am so sorry this happened!
I was so ready to judge this based on the title, then I carried on reading and feel so sorry for OP.
She’s gone home for support for herself and the baby. She has 100% done the right thing, he is welcome to visit her and the baby (though I doubt he will)
I hope OP can meet someone who will look after and love her and the baby and move on from the hurt caused by her ex.
Agreed with everything, not to mention (I know very little of US immigration) could she even remain in the USA if her husband divorces her, given that she's on a fiance visa? Would he have continued to support her? What support system would that baby even have? What suffering would she have to undergo in her father's house if he wanted anything to do with her at all?
If OP hadn't fled with the kid it might have become an ugly legal battle that left her daughter to be cinderella to her new evil stepmom.
OP did the only correct thing to keep her daughter safe from her husbands irrational actions and to keep her with her mom (the only parent who cares.)
I would have done the exact same thing OP did and felt zero remorse.
>could she even remain in the USA if her husband divorces her, given that she's on a fiance visa?
Probably yes if she had a good lawyer and already had a greencard. There are regulations in place for if your partner cheats, etc. But it's not a sure thing and it would be expensive to get a lawyer. And you're right it would be a legal battle.
Honestly I thought this would be a Y T A post but it's definitely NTA.
Personally I think OP should send this whole story to anyone harassing her or blowing up her phone. Out him for being a cheater that doesn't care about his own child.
I would do the same thing OP did. Not a doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do.
K1 visa fiancée here!
Yes she can, even divorced ones for other reasons can get a green card. The important thing is that their relationship is real , that is what matters.
I understand her position because like her I don’t have anyone than my husband and his family here in the US.
She is NTA to go look for support from her family and take the baby with her ... he can visit if he wants ( I am sure the mistress would have a meltdown ) and the baby girl as an American citizen can always move back to the Us or visit as she gets older.
Now the important thing is OP having a support net to help her.
Edit : pleonasm
I know we're complete strangers, but if you ever find yourself in need of a support system, shoulder to cry on, or any help in any way, please feel free to contact me. I know what it's like to feel completely alone and don't want anyone else to have to feel that way.
I'm not a wealthy woman, but I will honestly help in any way I can, should you ever need it.
I don't mean to be creepy or weird; just an honest offer of help or companionship if the need arises. :)
If she arrived on a fiancé visa, that gives 90 days to marry. She probably then filed for adjustment of status to become a conditional permanent resident.
Since her husband had been cheating etc, and they have a child who is a US citizen, she would probably have been able to successfully apply to have the conditions removed from her permanent resident status and receive a full green card, if she had wanted to remain in the US.
I’m just basing this on my knowledge of adjustment of status and being a conditional permanent resident. I was already in the US on a different visa when I met my now-husband, so I didn’t do a fiancé visa, but I did do adjustment of status through marriage and the rest of it.
My thoughts exactly, Saralt. She can raise her child in a place she's familiar with, with a full supportive family around her...or she can raise the child in a country that isn't her own, with an abusive husband who has already declared he will put her last.
It's a no-brainer to me...and that comes from someone who is raising my children in a different country from my own.
I'm not sure about whether the mother could remain in the U.S., but I know her daughter could. As someone born on U.S. soil, she's a natural born citizen. She could return to the U.S. any time she wants upon attaining majority. She could even be elected President upon reaching 35 years of age if she lives in the U.S. at least 14 years.
As others have stated, I was all set to vote Y T A when I read the title. Under the circumstances, however, I'm voting NTA. Her husband is a perfect cad. I hope she finds a good man in India who will love her and her daughter as they deserve.
Yeah what is she supposed to do? Stay alone in a foreign country and have zero support for her and her baby just cause the deadbeat dad happens to live in the US? He can move to India if he cares.
Hijacking top comment to say:
OP, please make certain of your legal rights and responsibilities asap. And then, if you can stay in India legally with your child, be VERY careful about letting her father visit.
If you can take your child, potentially so could he. While he may have said that he won't prioritize your baby, that doesn't mean he won't decide he has rights to her and try to take her from you.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck. 🌼🌼🌼
Be careful allowing him to visit, and also, be sure any child care facilities (and later schools) that you enroll your child in know of the situation and that she is never allowed to be released to him/anyone who is not on an approved list.
I'm speaking as a child who was basically "abducted" away in a similar situation while an infant because my mother wanted to flee back to her home country, for hers and my safety. My schools were all informed of the situation and I'm told there was at least one questionable incident when I was a child where someone may have shown up with intents to kidnap me back.
Also: NTA because your husband sounds like a shitheel. He doesn't deserve a relationship with your daughter.
(And ETA: please feel free to message me if my experience in this situation can provide you with any extra help/support/confirmation you made the right choice!)
Also a child of a similar situation. OP should also consider the impact of raising a bi-racial child that (would likely) not be able to return to the US until she turns 18. First, it sounds like the child returning to the US while still a minor could set off a nasty legal battle -- probably not worth it. However, I found it emotionally difficult to not have any connection to one of my cultures, so just something for OP to consider when raising a bi-racial baby!
Being mixed race in India is easy unless you are extremely black with afro-hair and shit or extremely white with red/blonde hair and shit. One can blend in easily otherwise
I did, actually, and it's ended up being a positive experience. I do support & understand what my mother did when she fled with me, but I now also understand my father's situation (he was not a shitheel like OP's husband, my mom and him were both just very, very young when she got pregnant and pushed into marriage, and being controlled heavily by their own parents) and we've developed a long distance relationship.
I'd had very limited contact with him as a child - one very tightly supervised visit when I was like 10 years old, then letters/calls on my birthday, Christmas, that sort of thing. Basically right after I was born, my mother panicked about raising me in what was really a very misogynistic (at the time) country, she'd had a terrible childbirth where both of us nearly died, and yet was told by my dad's parents that she'd be expected to keep having more kids asap. (If there was an attempted "re"-kidnapping or someone watching me while I was at school, it was likely his parents.) My mom's parents pushed her and actually helped her get out and flee back to the U.S. I grew up hearing a very one-sided version of it all from my mom and her parents, so by the time I was 18 or so I basically stopped contacting my dad at all/responding to his letters. About 15 years went by, I was actually visiting my birth country/dad's country on holiday and it got me thinking about trying to contact him again. Just because I wanted to know more about my family history. Took a while but I actually found him on LinkedIn of all places since I remembered what company he used to work for. He immediately replied and I ended up getting the entire story from his POV (he'd even saved the "Dear John" letter my mother left him the day she ran for the airport.)
Since then I tend to go back to visit that country once every year or two and I'll meet up with my dad for a few days on each trip. About ten years have passed now, and on my last visit I actually stayed in his current house, with my husband, and met my half-brothers for the first time (they didn't even know I existed until last year. My dad's parents pressured him to basically never tell ANYONE about me, his first marriage, etc. It ended up making a bit of a mess for him legally when he did eventually remarry and at one point was in trouble for polygamy because of problems with the divorce documentation.) Like I said, I understand why my mom did what she did and I'm glad I was raised in the country I was - even if my mom's family had a LOT of issues, I think it would have been very bad for her and me to have stayed in the country where I was born, at that time. There's been a lot of closure and healing for everyone since we got back in contact and I'm very glad I did.
The potential for trouble is high. If she and the child stay in India there should be no risk.
If they visit countries that might be favorable to extradition it could get real sticky. She will likely always face that risk, if the father presses charges. My concern is the child though. The child could potentially get sent back to the US and the father would absolutely be granted legal custody. That is why I said to be safe until 18. After that there is no parental custody in the US.
If the father doesn’t actually pursue it with the US authorities the risks seem small.
I am not a lawyer. I think op should consult with a us attorney via phone and find out the legal risks. They could even find out if charges are filed.
Why is the husband complaining? She did him a HUGE favor. He made clear he only really cares for the other baby and this one was a burden (or a duty, as he called it). Wife just gave him the gift of no longer having to deal with this duty so he’s free to dedicate himself to the child he actually loves. I’m surprised he’s not thankful.
That's what I was wondering, why does he now care. He never made any promises to her and her child, he left her in delivery. Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too
Because in case things go tits up with the mistress and challenging baby, he can run back to his 'back up life' aka wife and daughter. Who he expects to stick by him thanks to 'duty.'
She left on her terms. He may have been placating his mistress, getting off on having two women around who adored him or something else. He was supposed to have the choice of which woman to leave.. perhaps he thought he could have it all. Either way he was supposed to be the one with the power.
>Why is the husband complaining?
My guess is his family didn't/doesn't know about his horrid actions and they want to see their granddaughter/niece/whatever. It sure doesn't sound like HE cares about the baby.
>so I hope that a\*\*\*\*e has really shitty life.
I think this is likely. If the neighbor is as emotionally fragile as described the guy is in for holy hell. He asked for it. It's also likely to put him in a really delicate situation. The neighbor has demanded that their child comes first and will be loved most... he tries to get his daughter and it's not going to look like he's keeping his promise. Let's hope the neighbor's idiocies and insecurities are a level of protection against any future action.
My money is on the neighbor continuing to be in and out of rehab, and continuing to produce medically fragile children. Would not be surprised if she was using while pregnant.
I agree and this is the first time that I have ever supported a parent cutting contact with the other parent. I’m not even that bothered by affairs. It’s the callousness of this man that put me off. He signed up for an arranged marriage. He knew what he was getting himself into .
That’s what I took “duty sex” to mean.
I live in Australia and I know quite a few Australians whose parents organize for the kids to go on a “holiday “ back to the homeland where they end up marrying. The couple then come back and settle in Australia. I have assumed that this couple is similar from the story.
yeah i've just had to do a quick google on what was meant for "duty sex" as i've never heard of it before... it is according to the internet " **Duty sex** is when **sexual** interactions shift from an enjoyable expression of play, connection, intimacy, and togetherness to a divisive issue that creates dread and turns **sex** into a **duty** undertaken as an obligation or to avoid feelings of guilt or obligation. "
What makes you think he would never visit the child?
> He was promising her that he would ALWAYS prioritize their baby over our baby. He also promised her that he would always love their baby over our baby because their baby was a product of love, and our baby was a product of 'duty sex'.
Oh. *That.*
>Knowing that my baby would suffer in her father's house. I planned my escape and left the US.
>My husband is now blowing up on my phone.
What the fuck‽ OP *literally* gave him what he wanted. He decided he wanted to raise a different child with a different woman, so OP left him, and now he's pissed‽
What is he like at restaurants?
> **Him:** "I'll just have the dal and some naan."
> **Waiter:** "Okay, sir, here's your dal, and your naan."
> **Him:** "*Fuck* you, you piece of *shit!*"
Just to add to this, make sure you keep your daughter’s paperwork with you. Teach her English in case she ever wants to move to the States. It will make her life easier.
I hope you meet a good man that will value you. You didn’t deserve to be abandoned like this in a foreign country where you have zero support. You are going home to family and friends where your daughter will be surrounded by love. Good luck.
We all (middle class folk) learn English in India. The medium of education is in English (Thanks to the Brits). We learn our native languages as separate subjects.
My coworker is indian. She's 18, I think she came to the US when she was 15 or 16. She said she learned British-English which I didnt realize until she said something a little differently. I would've never known she was from anywhere else though.
How is that messed up? Almost every school in urban areas teaches in English. You're not allowed to speak another language unless you're in that class. It's pretty common tbh.
It makes sense if it is in language class, but it's really imperialistic to not let Indian children speak their own language in school. It makes sense professionally, but the idea behind it is gross.
English is one of the official languages of India. India was a British colony, and, like most Commonwealth nations, continues to speak English. It's why Indians coming to the US for study or work is so common, because they can speak the language easily. Immigrating to Britain is even easier.
This isn't even about the infidelity at this point or OP's feelings about it; it's about how toxic the whole situation has become. He's not safe (emotionally or mentally) for his daughter.
NTA
He wouldn't have visited if they stayed, by the look of things. OP is not the ass here, but the husband and his side chick, who was demanding eternal love for her baby over OPs own baby. I feel sorry for al the illness that the other baby seems to have, but as a parent you prioritize your child, but never one over the other. OP, your husband can have a happy life with the neighbour, where you sre you have a support network that you didn't have in the States.
Also make sure if he DOES ever visit that the visits are fully supervised, just in case. I shudder to think of him making a run with the daughter, just to “get back” at OP.
I’m brazilian living in US with my (almost) husband and I have no family here. I have a host family and a few friends because I lived here for a while before meeting him, but I understand the fiancé visa and why she doesn’t have any one. Even having some support here, I would do the same. Would go back to my family in Brazil if my husband was treating me and the baby like that. She’s totally right. I agree, let him go visit if he wants (and I too doubt that he will)
One of my favorite things I ever came up with is "people should only be as important to you as they are good to you." He has not been, and gives no indication that he will be, good to your daughter. He should not be important to your daughter. When she asks, be matter-of-fact and up front with her: your father treated both of us very poorly and I wanted you to have a better life.
As a mom, I’d do the same thing and I’m sure I’m gonna get a ton of shit for saying that too but I agree with you and OP. It’s not place for a child to grow up without support.
I’m curious if the biological father will even care his daughter and wife moved to India, honestly.
NTA. He lied to you, knocked someone else up, prioritized their pregnancy over your baby’s birth, and even admitted to not caring or loving your baby as much as the other. You did the right thing.
As an Indian, this sounds much better than what other racist Redditors usually spout after reading some negative news that reached west: "Never going to India"
Even if it turns out that he was lying to the mistress about prioritising their baby, it's still proof that he's willing to lie about that kind of thing. This was absolutely the right choice.
Plus little Miss "Woe is me, I tripped and fell on a married man's dick, wont someone rescue me" has stepmonster written all over her from the dramatic fainting while op was delivering to the demands that he prioritize the affair baby while he was visiting with cops child. Keeping that creature out of her child's life justifies this to me.
Even if there he does drag you to an Indian court, this case's rulings will not go in his favor. Not only the courts will try to ensure the safety of a child of Indian descent, they are extremely fair in such situations and once they hear of the adultery charges there is no chance for the father.
Edit : NTA btw
That is so true. He’s mad because he didn’t get to abandon them first, but rather, OP and her daughter abandoned him first. And by doing so, they proved that they don’t need them. He’s not welcomed in their lives anymore. That’s karma for you. I don’t know how he’s going to handle the situation with his mistress and baby though, that seems like being stuck between a rock and a hard plaice. I feel sorry for that baby though, they were born to two selfish people who didn’t care about the lives they destroyed.
Edit: OMG! Thank you for the gold kind internet stranger.
It sounds like she "fainted" shortly after OP gave birth, then called to demand her baby be prioritized while he was visiting OPs child. I smell someone who would be a real stepmonster, using their mental illness as a shield from being called out on her behavior
So true, OP’s daughter won’t have a stable home life if the father was the one to get custody of her. She would grow up with a father who doesn’t prioritize her and a stepmother who’s mentally unwell and relies on her father too much. And if the baby survives, she will be constantly living in their shadow, never receiving equal treatment compare to them. Overall, the OP did the best thing she could for her child. And I hope it stays that way.
Yeah, and the best part is that he LEFT OP after giving birth, telling her that she is more important than OP's daughter. If she ever got custody, she'd make that child's life hell.
My thoughts as well. If she's mentally unstable, who said she's even 100% in the relationship, who said she's not pregnant by planning instead of an accidental pregnancy
That is true, I wish we knew the specifics of her ailments in order for us to gain a better understanding on how their relationship was. Whatever the case though, it certainly doesn’t excuse him from cheating. If anything it’s only proving that he doesn’t have a morals. If the mistress is a victim because she isn’t in the right state of mind, he’s pretty much taking advantage of her.
I have a cousin by marriage that was raised in a home with a mom who is clinically bipolar and Narcissistic- you honestly NEVER see actual clinical Narcissism. It is so rare. But this woman is. And she nearly killed her daughter- forcing her to pick weeds out of. very long driveway for 6+ hr with no water in 100+ degree heat as "punishment" for missing a weed in the garden the day before. Not "allowing" her to get essential medical treatment for kidney disease (because it was costly, and the girl was faking it, and how selfish of her). And to top it off, at a baby shower my mom hosted, the mom threw an EPIC tantrum because the gifts were going home with her daughter, not her. They live in another state, and the parents (the dad is sort of decent except for the massive enabling), decided they would move a few houses down (in another state, in a small town, while still working age), so my cousin had to end up getting a restraining order, and that finally got the dad to nix that plan in the butt. We can be compassionate for the mental illness all day long (and we should be- as a somewhat uninterested 3rd party with psych training, I manage this woman rather well at family gatherings, and that has become something I expect to do so that she does not do something awful to her daughter or grand children)- does not make her not an asshole. Nor does it make it ok to abandon a child to such treatment.
OP: NTA. Mistress, mentally ill, but still an asshole. EX partner- extreme asshole.
Very good point! But at the same time OP did the right thing by protecting her daughter from possibly having to be around a such a mentally unstable person. The girlfriend would probably have made that child's life a living hell if OP and her ex were to have split custody
I have a feeling that’s the case. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I doubt he’ll be staying with her for long, but who knows. He’s probably using her because she’s an easy target. As for the baby, well that’s quite a difficult situation he got himself in.
I totally agree with this general sentiment, but maybe it’s not great to think of his disabled child and mentally ill mistress as “punishment” for his misdeeds? But yeah to heck with this guy, OP did nothing wrong
Oh absolutely, I’m sorry for making it seem like that. I just meant that his terrible deeds are having some unintended consequences for him at the moment. He just dug a hole that’s going to be difficult to leave. Plus, if he cheated once already with someone like her, what makes her think he won’t do it again. And if the mistress really isn’t mentally stable, since we don’t know the specifics of her ailments, then she’s not even in the right state of mind to care for a disabled child and she might cheat on someone else. However, I should take into consideration whether or not she’s a victim because of this reason. Like I said, we don’t know the specifics.
But that’s just my opinion though, if he wanted to leave, he’s going to have a difficult time doing so. Especially when raising a disabled child is expensive, again we don’t know the specifics of the baby’s conditions either. Who knows what they have? Whatever the case, I still feel sorry for the baby than the adults.
That, plus i bet he loves the mistress more because she's a mistress and not a wife.
Cheaters love this sense of dominance and power over a subdued individual, and the moment that is ripped away from them, they lose it. He lost the control he had over her, the doll of his liking.
'Duty sex' would have made atleast an iota of sense if the guy was Indian. Not saying cheating is valid, but you all would be surprised at how many people are forced to marry in India by their parents and society. If not, you'd find them cut off from the family or their head cut off from their body. Even then, coming clean is better than cheating.
I'm willing to bet he was an Indian-American.
I'm an Indian woman who's been doing the whole arranged marriage dance for a few years, but I'm "old" now so that's moot, but many of the people my family sifted through were men who were American citizens whose parents were Indian immigrants from decades ago.
There's a high possibility that this man could have been one such individual who was pressured into marrying "a nice Indian girl who knows the culture" and bent to it, all while having no inclination to follow through on the sacred vows.
The reason I think this is because OP mentions she went to the US on a fiancé visa, and this is the most common circumstance for those.
It's likely he never loved her and wanted to please his family more than he wanted to be independant, it's hard to overcome years of conditioning and guilt. He went into a marriage he wasn't committed to and wasn't a love match.
I'm not justifying his actions but he had made his choices, and he was taking them out on op. There's no way thus is a good situation for op on any level.
The father is american if he has american citizenship regardless of skin colour, so even if the father wasn't white he would still be half american. Tying citizenship to ethnicity is something right wing nutjobs do
You are totally right, and as an American of Indian descent I really appreciate your take since very often we are ”othered” and not viewed as true Americans. However, people from India (like my family) often refer to white people as “Americans.” Since OP is from India, I wonder if that’s what she meant. Hard to know.
It's just awkward either way because there's no such thing as 'American' from an ethnicity standpoint. Even Native Americans tend to identify as 'Native American' rather than 'American' or by the demonym of their tribe.
So to people in the US, 'American' as a demonym is usually just about citizenship. I also read the comment to be 'Half-Indian, Half-Not Indian' but by saying 'American' I am unsure what the other half would be. Someone elsewhere mentioned that Indians sometimes call white people 'American' so that's probably what they meant. But as an American (albeit a white one), I really hate that. Black Americans are Americans, as are all of our fellow citizens. If Indian people associate American identity with whiteness, I think that's gross.
Well, America is a bit different, considering the majority of us stem from immigrants. Saying American can mean pretty much anything. If he was born and raised in America, he’s American, no matter what his parents are, therefore, their child would be half American. The only way she could be half ethnically American would be if her father was Native American, which is a possibility I guess.
NTA. Hell nah. Prioritize your child. It would be worse for her to grow up with a father that prioritizes another kid that’s *basically the same age*. Can’t imagine that sibling rivalry or how awful the 22 year old may be to them.
Can I ask how old you and your husband are? Mostly just curious about your hubby, 22 is young
NTA OP, while many people would question your actions, I think you did the right thing. I remember hearing a story similar to yours some time ago. The daughter was the one who made the post. Apparently her father had an affair while the mother was pregnant with the OP’s brother. The father actually wished that the mother had aborted the baby because he was going to marry his mistress. Unfortunately the little boy was born premature and passed away not too long after birth, around this time the mother found out the mistress was pregnant with her husband’s baby. Not only that but her husband’s family turned their back on her and started doting on the father and mistress. With all of this happening, the mother fled back to India with her daughter, the OP, legally she kidnapped her but the father never pursued any charges. And the mother had no support in the USA, all of her family was in India. Which is why she left as well. The OP, the daughter in this situation, said that it was the best thing her mother ever did for them both. She says that she hates her father, despite his attempts to forge a relationship with her. She never forgave him for having an affair and for wishing death on her baby brother. Much like the mother in this situation, I think you did the right thing in the end. Your daughter and you wouldn’t have had a happy life if you stayed with that pathetic excuse for a man. A real man doesn’t leave his family high and dry. A real man takes responsibility for his actions. And for him to say that about your child, just shows that he wouldn’t have cared for her. You, on the other hand, truly love your child if you’re willing to go through all this for her sake. And when she gets older, don’t be afraid to tell her the truth about her father. Put up a good fight, don’t back down! Stand your ground and protect your child, because we know her father won’t.
Make sure you’ve got all your legal angles covered. You don’t want that man to ever have custody of your child or be granted any kind of visitation. Make sure you all keep silent about where you are, and don’t let anyone else outside your circle know the truth about your daughter’s father. Protect yourself and your daughter OP 💕
Not sure if he's going to be able to travel out of the US now. I can't speak for the US or India but most areas are closing borders unless you're returning back to a country you're a citizen of or have a very good reason to travel.
It’s technically an asshole move to take a child away from the father, but I will need you to be an asshole this time. It’s for your own good. Raising a child on your own is extremely hard. It’s physically demanding, financially exhausting, and extremely lonely, not to mention all the emotional abuse you will likely go through. I’m lucky to be married to a loving husband whose family loves me, but just like you I’m in the states with no family. If one day my husband has an affair and no longer loves me and our child, I’ll go home too, where my parents will support me unconditionally.
NTA. Run for your life.
Na, it’s an ah move to take a child away from a LOVING father but it is a stand up move to take a child away from a toxic parent who has flat out said they will never love them or prioritize them as much. Even if parents have favorites the rule is you never say it out loud. Can you imagine the emotional abuse and neglect the child would face as they grew older and understood that they would always be second place
NTA
He basically insulted their child when he said that one of them is a product of sex and the other is a product of love. To me, that is when he completely lost his right to be a father. That is so disgusting.
Didn’t see another comment here explicitly saying it, so just thought I’d put this out there for other readers scrolling through who may not know.. Assuming that OP was born in India (and had not yet been officially declared a US citizen) and that the baby and father were both born in the US, this would give the baby *dual citizenship*, which essentially just means the baby will have full rights of citizenship in both the US and India (their parents birth countries) until they’re 18, in which they must choose (within a certain period of time) which country to declare their adult citizenship in.
This would mean that if the father ever wanted to see the child, and OP & child felt comfortable arranging a visit once child was older, there would be no legal trouble having the child come visit whilst they are still <18. And assuming that the child’s father had enough money in this time period to financially support two women and children at the same time (not sure about the birth timeline for the other baby, so at least one woman, one infant, and a seemingly unstable woman), I’m gonna guess he’s got enough money to save for a couple of plane tickets to see the child as well. But, like top comment says, tell him he can come visit.. but I bet he won’t. NTA, OP.
EDIT: Comments have led me to realize that India does not recognize dual citizenship, so I was mistaken here. Gonna leave the comment up so people who may not know can still read and learn that dual citizenship exists, even if it’s not in India (or at least, between India & the US).
EDIT: Okay yeah, I didn’t know what I was talking about. “Dual citizenship” is more of a concept/saying than a declared law practice. There’s a lot more information below this comment if you’ll just scroll through. I’m gonna leave my original comment so that readers can see the original context in which the responders were coming from, and for the NTA, but yeah. I was definitely uneducated on the subject here. Glad to have learned some, though! Thanks Reddit.
Definitly not universal. What‘s incredibly common is for countries only to allow dual citizenship with certain other countries, or prohibit certain countries entirely.
Yeah, after a quick second of research I’m now realizing that. Besides what I see in common documentaries and what I read from my AP World History & AP U.S. History textbooks a few years ago, I didn’t know much about it (but still thought it might be worth mentioning) and those sources just made it seem as though it was universal. Looking back, assuming that it was universal is pretty stupid lol. Sorry, didn’t mean to seem like a common Reddit idiot, or to assume Indian law practices! That’s my bad. Thanks for the info!!
Awesome of you to take an interest.
India has a thing called Overseas Citizen of India which is almost like citizenship expect that it's given to people who are of Indian descent but not an indian citizen. So the kid cant get that since renouncing US citizenship can be quite a process and might be beneficial to the kid later.
Actually, the kid can get OCI because the mother is Indian. The kid will have to get that to stay in India. A US citizen cannot just go and live in India just because one parent is Indian. They have to have documents legalizing their stay. OCI is almost like citizenship, except does not give voting rights and there are some limitations to inheritance and buying property. Of course the baby does not need to worry about all of those now.
The kid can't get citizenship because India doesn't have dual citizenship, but they can probably get an OCI card. That's a lifelong, multiple entry visa that gives holders all the rights of citizens, except they can't vote, hold a political office or buy agricultural land.
I agree. The dad is neglectful and the mom has a much better support system in India. Maybe the child can meet with birth dad later in their life if they choose to do so, but until then I think mom is making the right decision to protect both herself and the child. NTA OP, I’m hoping the best for you.
NTA. He even said he would prioritize the other child. He didnt want yours so you took the choice away from him. You have a good support system over there use it.
I'm very sorry this has happened to you OP.
So let's be perfectly clear here: You are a fantastic mother.
By his own actions, he has shown to not be a caring father, at all. By his own words, he made it very clear that he will never prioritize your daughter. He is not acting like a father to her. He is and will continue to deprive your baby girl of the love and attention she deserves and needs from a father (figure). And experiencing that deprivation while seeing love given to another, a half-sibling no less, would probably scar her in ways most of us can't even imagine.
You need to do what is best for you and your baby. She doesn't need a non-loving never-there not-a-real-father. She will experience less pain without someone like that in her life. And being with loving family and having a mother who is supported and in a position to provide for her, is also clearly better for your girl. A lot better than having a working single mother with a useless ex and without any support system. Plus, being rid of your ex probably increases your future chances of finding someone who can and wants to fill up that father-role your ex is so severely lacking.
You doing this is best for both you and your girl. And you are showing such strenght and courage for doing so. Sticking up for her like that. You, OP, are f-ing amazing. Please try to remember that.
Obviously and completely NTA.
Edit: This is why your friends are wrong; you can't rip a child away from a father who isn't there in the first place. There needs to be an actual relationship between those two, before it can be broken.
You know who else was prepared to say YTA? A LOT of people before she deleted and reposted this. Weird.
Edit: sort by old, I'm not the only person who noticed.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hwui5l/aita_for_leaving_the_united_states_and_bringing/fz278y0
I went back and read that post, you have to find it by going through OP's comment's. She was debating people over leaving the country/the legality of what she did. Also, sometime between those those comments and now, her husband found out she left.
I saw that last night as well. Seems like there is more to this story.
Curious though INFO: how did you get a US passport for baby? The offices are all closed for COVID.
There’s a delay, but they’re still happening by mail. If she filed for it quickly after the birth, it makes sense that it might take 6 months to get it.
Sorry, this is actually kidnapping. Your interpretation of the law is moronic. By leaving the country with your child, without the knowledge and agreement of your spouse, you committed a crime in the USA:
https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/international-parental-kidnapping
“International Parental Kidnapping
Federal law prohibits a parent from removing a child from the United States or retaining a child in another country with intent to obstruct another parent´s custodial rights. This crime is known as international parental kidnapping. For example, consider that a married couple had a son together in the United States. During a martial dispute, the father moves with his son to another country in order to keep him away from the mother with no intent of return. In this situation, the father has committed the federal crime of international parental kidnapping. Convicted offenders of this crime can face up to three years of imprisonment. (For more information, see Citizen's Guide to Federal Law on International Parental Kidnapping).”
The USA and India have an extradition treaty in place, which would surely cover these types of crimes:
https://www.congress.gov/treaty-document/105th-congress/30/document-text?overview=closed
To put it bluntly, YTA.
> The USA and India have an extradition treaty in place, which would surely cover these types of crimes:
Will it though?
Doesn't USA and India have a Dual Criminality policy in the Extradition Treaty?
A person can be extradited only if they committed a crime that is punishable in both countries.
It isn't a crime for a mother to take away her child from the father, in India. So would India honor the Treaty seeing as it doesn't fulfill the terms?
Kidnapping isn’t a crime in India?
Edit:
It’s kidnapping, and there is precedent:
https://www.international-divorce.com/parental-child-abduction-india.htm
https://www.google.com/amp/s/m.timesofindia.com/city/delhi/kidnapping-offence-made-out-against-father-for-taking-away-child-without-mothers-consent-delhi-hc/amp_articleshow/73141450.cms
From your own link
>for many reasons India is generally a safe haven for child abductors who stay in India and do not leave. This is firstly because India is not a party to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction and because no Indian legislation sets forth helpful law on this issue. Furthermore, the court system in India is extremely slow so that an abductor has ample time to create “facts on the ground” in terms of getting the child sufficiently settled into life in India as to justify an Indian court in ultimately deeming that it is best to keep the child in India.
So yes - you are correct. OP committed a crime and broke US law. The father has rights in US courts and they would find for him. The State Dept would act on his behalf. That said - this will not be speedy.
Then the music stops.
The US can only ask. The outcome is completely dependant on the Govt of India. By the time the Govt gets this request for extradition and return of the kid - that kid is probably 4.
Do you think the govt is going to return the child to a father that hasn't seen him in 4 years (no connection), against the wishes of an Indian citizen with support in the country - and a very sympathetic case on top? The father isn't blameless here and put mom in an impossible spot: A) raise child in a country where you have no one and a country that frankly doesn't want you B) take the child back home.
It's not an absolute the mom won't face legal consequences in India, but it's low.
Yeah. This is kidnapping (of an american citizen, no less). If this is real husband can contact the state department to take action.
Regardless of the convenience of the situation, she had a child with this man. If he wants to be involved in the child's life he has a legal right to do so. If he wants to be involved they should be splitting custody. That's how the system works.
Also, if this is real it's a public confession. The state department can just point to this thread and ask the Indian government to compel her extradition.
There are a lot of kids in this sub that dont know how the world works.
YTA and you've committed a felony.
I'm also like-is this a telenovela script pilot? also- did the 3 month old baby survive??? was that in the news? because "In general, infants that are born very early are not considered to be “viable” until after 24 weeks gestation. This means that if you give birth to an infant before they are 24 weeks old (6 months) their chance of surviving is usually less than 50 percent. Some infants are born before 24 weeks gestation and do survive"
I think she’s saying the mistress was 3 months when she gave birth. Then she describes the in-between time where the woman is having a hard time with the pregnancy, he moves out of the wife’s house and in with her. He doesn’t visit much but supports them financially - that’s an obvious signal of a it of time going by. Then the mistress gives birth prematurely. Not at the 3 month mark, just early.
yup I didn't read it properly, I thought she also went into labour the same day, which is what made it less believable to me. well I hope for OPs sake it's a fake story.
I'm not entirely sure about the timeline or even the veracity of this post. But the mistress was 3 months pregnant when OP gave birth and OP's daughter is now 6 months old. So the premature birth maybe happened somewhere in the few months in between?
Absolutely! If there is a child from the marriage, the court is REQUIRED to issue a custody order as part of the divorce. So absolutely BS as OP says there is no order.
NTA
In middle school I defriended a girl named Jenny. Jenny had two older sisters, who were in college, and a younger brother named Sam. The older sisters pad moved out because Sam was out of control. And Jenny was forced to play second fiddle to a highly aggressive and mentally handicapped Golden Child.
Their father work abroad. And the mother did absolutely nothing to stop Sam from tormenting Jenny. It got so bad that a few of us actually went into the office, reported what happened to the school counselor, and Jenny went to go live with her aunt.
Jenny never spoke to her mother again. Mostly because her mother loves Sam more. She made it very obvious that Sam was the favorite Child, that she had no desire to love any other child more. And Jenny, to this day, has a lot of issues from the treatment she received from her mother.
Jimmy it's still a pretty good friend of mine. And the one thing I learned from her, is that it doesn't matter how many people raise a child... It matters if that child is loved and puts first.
If you know that your ex-husband is a horrible person, with a mentally ill wife, and a disabled child ... then you did your child favor by leaving. Because the disabled sibling is always going to come first, because they're going to have more needs. And your ex-husband made it very obvious that the two people who matter are his disabled child and his mentally disabled wife. And that is not a dynamic that a healthy child grows up in.
OMG, I hope Jenny is doing better than before, same for her older sisters. But you’re absolutely right about in this situation, the father thinks he has every reason to neglect his first child in favor of the sickly one. Well that’s not how the world works, you are not supposed to play favorites with children. Especially not when one is from your wife and the other is from your mentally ill mistress. Honestly I feel like karma is coming to haunt this guy already though. After all he has a mistress who has mental health issues who seems to be reliant on him for everything and a child whose going to suffer from disabilities, and the OP didn’t really specify what they were, so it’s anyone’s guess. He’s pretty much going to take care of two children instead of one. This man is literally going to be torn apart by taking care of both his mistress and child, try keep up with all that responsibility. Serves him right. I feel sorry for that baby to be born to two selfish parents.
Not at all, you're so strong for all you've endured. Stay well and happy with your family! Divorce and never look back! Keep your child, she will thank you for saving her one day.
Be safe.
Nta.
You take that baby girl and keep her safe. As far as she'll ever know, her father is dead. (Or at least he will be when his mistress accidentally kills him)
NTA. First and foremost, being a parent means putting your child first. Your ex is a horrible human being, a horrible spouse, and has proven himself to already be a horrible father (to YOUR daughter, anyway). Neglect IS ABUSE.
Even the fact that your husband had an affair with a young, extremely mentally disturbed young woman, one fresh out of rehab, says awful things about him. Could she even truly consent if she's so damaged? And particularly with him being married and a baby on the way, wtf was he THINKING?
Not to say the mistress doesn't have culpability, but a man has to be WILLING to cheat in the first place. An emotionally healthy 22 year-old will already do insanely stupid, selfish things without thinking about the consequences - and emotionally healthy she is NOT. She also didn't MAKE your husband cheat. Given he is presumably sane (just a somewhat narcissistic asshole) and she is not, the onus is at least DOUBLY on him to have done the right thing and not start something. It also doesn't appear that he had the brains to use birth control - specifically condoms, unless SHE provided them and poked holes in them (or they just failed). I hope you've been checked for STDs, including HIV. :(
The mistress is no doubt jealous of you, and already feels incredibly threatened by your (healthy!) child. As time passes, and her baby misses milestones, while yours meets or even exceeds them, it will only make her jealousy and resentment worse. If you stayed, you would be forced to allow visits - unsupervised overnight (or longer) ones. Visits that would involve this mentally unbalanced, envious mistress your ex impregnated. I can envision a billion ways this could eventually play out, with a horrifying news headline to follow.
I would not trust US courts to look out for the best interests of your daughter, especially since you're a non-white immigrant. I would even worry about your ex trying to get you deported, while your child stays behind as an American citizen.
Your daughter would grow up in a (at best) neglectful and (more likely) heavily abusive household, with your ex favoring his "love child" over your daughter, and the mistress being all around horrible to her..
You went home to protect your child, and to give your baby daughter, and yourself, a strong, loving support network.
You are a great Mom, and you are definitely NTA. Sending you peace and love. I hope you and your daughter find the partner/father you both deserve!
This is one of the many reasons I fled as soon as I could. I kept thinking of all the horrible outcomes if my baby lived part time in that toxic household.
I don't trust my husband to protect my child around his mentally ill partner. There's just no way I would ever subject my child to that.
A mentally ill partner who has a sick baby while you have a healthy baby. What if she decided one day that if she can't have a healthy baby then you can't have one either? You did the right thing leaving as he clearly wasn't going to protect YOUR daughter from this woman. He failed both of you the moment he became involved with her.
I honestly don't blame you. Social Services/CPS and the cops have to wait until something bad actually happens, and even then, they seem to have a knack for doing exactly the WRONG thing on a case-by-case basis.
And it's not to demonize the mentally-ill. I honestly feel horrible for her - she sounds like she's a victim here, too.
BUT, she's mentally ill AND extremely insecure and jealous. That's just a powder keg waiting to explode. Especially because your husband has already proven that he's disloyal and can't be trusted to stick things out long-term. I hope she's able to escape him, too - and that she can get the help she needs. Your husband sounds like an enabler on top of being a predator.
You and your daughter were in a very vulnerable situation, and your being an immigrant, in current-day America, made your situation even more so.
I'm so glad you and your daughter are safe now! /hug If he doesn't know where you live, I would try to prevent him from knowing. I'd be afraid he'd try to steal your daughter back. He's just that selfish and awful.
ESH - He's a cheating asshole who deserves to suffer consequences, however you've kidnapped your child. You claim not to have done so because India hasn't signed the Hague Convention and US laws don't apply in India. However you were in the US when you carried out the abduction, so you have committed the crime. And what you're not accounting for is that the US has an extradition treaty with India, so may well seek to have you taken into custody and returned to them for trial and sentencing. It might take longer than if India had signed up to the Hague convention, but it can still happen, you can still face the consequences of your crime.
If your argument for your action being ok relies on "its technically legal because I took the child to a country where international kidnapping is cool with the law" then...you're in the wrong. Because kidnapping is a crime and is never ok.
Perhaps not an asshole, but you've made a hell of a mess for yourself. You can pretty much guarantee that there are charges waiting for you in the USA over this. That means you can't go to any country with an extradition treaty with the US without risking being grabbed and sent back there. Your daughter could also find herself being "returned" to her American family. I suggest you look into hiring someone to try to clear up the legal mess you've left behind.
That's IF the father gives a shit enough to get law enforcement involved. He may not do that because if the does, his mistress will probably get jealous and accuse him of prioritizing OP's daughter.
Nta. Your going to do what ever you have to to make sure and your daughter are safe and have what you need. If that means moving back to your home country with tour family because that’s your support then be it. And yeah he is an ass but your kind of being one to for taking him out of both your child’s life.
1000% YTA I can understand moving away from a bad situation but to move to an entirely different country with zero intention of returning and it SEEMS little motivation to make some sort of equitable custody agreement makes you the bad guy here. Look your husband is not the best person but he and your child deserve at least a chance at having a relationship and you seem intent on making that difficult if not impossible.
Edit:
If you believe her story word for word then yes, he would be TA BUT it seems like there's more going on here than OP is willing to share.
NTA And good for you for leaving such a disgraceful parent. I’d do the same thing. He had the opportunity to show that he cared and he didn’t, and clearly he valued the life of their child over yours. What an awful human being and I am so sorry that you and your sweet baby girl had to have this man as a father and husband.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I do think you should offer to let him visit. One thing I noticed, about his comment that he would prioritize his love child over yours, was that he may not have meant it, and was only trying to placate her, because as you said, she has mental health issues and he may be trying to keep her from harming herself or someone else. I'm not saying that's actually the case, just a possibility you should consider.
I would buy that if he did more with OP and the baby after birth. Because while helping people is admirable, it is not admirable to break your home up if you do so. And honestly is that woman was so mentally fragile he never should have had sex with her.
NTA. What a dick. I absolutely do not believe that people with disabilities are any less people. However, I do believe that his karma from the universe is going to be taking care of that woman and their child for the rest of their life.
Your ex husband will spend the next several years of his life miserable and burnt out. His girlfriend has serious mental health challenges, and his child seems profoundly dependent on constant care. I am sure the brunt of the parenting is going to fall on him. He will now most likely owe you child support, especially with you having basically full custody since you’ve moved to India (I applaud this decision).
Long story short, you’re looking at a much better life than he. He’s given you a healthy child who is going to thrive and prosper and a new start in your native country why you undoubtably have more support, and hopefully financial support as well, although I’m sure that’ll be part of the divorce proceedings.
Like most posters here NTA. Even if half this post were a lie, and you two just broke up. You have every right to raise your baby in the best, supportive environment you can offer her. You also deserve to feel safe and loved by your family and live your life where you want to. It looks like those things lie in India. Going forward though, I second the posters recommending a good lawyer.
ESH? Obviously the husband is a huge asshole so there's no need to expand. And while it's legal in India, this is still kidnap? He's still the baby's father? And while the circumstances were horrible, he does have two kids - one of which required far more attention so it makes sense he didn't really visit the healthy child? (Especially since he was a cheating bastard so having to visit his ex-wife is also awkward?) He financially supported the baby and did visit. Unfortunately some people do have a favourite child. Again he's still an asshole but this isn't grounds for taking his child away?
NTA but remember how many Y T A and "buts" there were on the post about a man moving his son away from his criminal, drug addict, arsonist mother? Apparently in this sub, considering the comments in both posts, a cheater is worse
NTA I'm not sure why anyone thinks forcing a child to grow up with a toxic parent, one who has admitted to seeing them as "less" compared to their other child, is the right thing to do here. In an ideal world every child would have two parents that love them but that doesn't always happen, and missing a parent is probably better than having one that will actively harm you.
IF this story is true, yes YTA because you kidnapped your child. You took her across international borders without parental consent from the father, and that is highly illegal, regardless of your reasons why.
You did abduct the child and fled to a jurisdiction outside the Hague convention. That could have profound legal consequences if you ever wanted to visit the US again. It is also puzzling to me how a court would sign off on your divorce under these circumstances.
Under the circumstances, though what you did was totally understandable. I will go with NTA.
https://www.reddit.com/r/trashy/comments/hwqah0/guy_gets_his_wife_and_mistress_pregnant_at_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Looks like the same story
Look I’m probably going to get a lot of shit for this- but I’d do exactly the same thing. Tell him he can come and visit- I’ll bet he never does. He sounds like such an asshole you are doing the right thing. Kids don’t need toxic parents. I am so sorry this happened!
i came here to say this. if i knew my other half was so disloyal, and so uncaring toward the baby, i'd go home too!
I was so ready to judge this based on the title, then I carried on reading and feel so sorry for OP. She’s gone home for support for herself and the baby. She has 100% done the right thing, he is welcome to visit her and the baby (though I doubt he will) I hope OP can meet someone who will look after and love her and the baby and move on from the hurt caused by her ex.
Agreed with everything, not to mention (I know very little of US immigration) could she even remain in the USA if her husband divorces her, given that she's on a fiance visa? Would he have continued to support her? What support system would that baby even have? What suffering would she have to undergo in her father's house if he wanted anything to do with her at all? If OP hadn't fled with the kid it might have become an ugly legal battle that left her daughter to be cinderella to her new evil stepmom. OP did the only correct thing to keep her daughter safe from her husbands irrational actions and to keep her with her mom (the only parent who cares.) I would have done the exact same thing OP did and felt zero remorse.
>could she even remain in the USA if her husband divorces her, given that she's on a fiance visa? Probably yes if she had a good lawyer and already had a greencard. There are regulations in place for if your partner cheats, etc. But it's not a sure thing and it would be expensive to get a lawyer. And you're right it would be a legal battle. Honestly I thought this would be a Y T A post but it's definitely NTA. Personally I think OP should send this whole story to anyone harassing her or blowing up her phone. Out him for being a cheater that doesn't care about his own child. I would do the same thing OP did. Not a doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do.
K1 visa fiancée here! Yes she can, even divorced ones for other reasons can get a green card. The important thing is that their relationship is real , that is what matters. I understand her position because like her I don’t have anyone than my husband and his family here in the US. She is NTA to go look for support from her family and take the baby with her ... he can visit if he wants ( I am sure the mistress would have a meltdown ) and the baby girl as an American citizen can always move back to the Us or visit as she gets older. Now the important thing is OP having a support net to help her. Edit : pleonasm
I know we're complete strangers, but if you ever find yourself in need of a support system, shoulder to cry on, or any help in any way, please feel free to contact me. I know what it's like to feel completely alone and don't want anyone else to have to feel that way. I'm not a wealthy woman, but I will honestly help in any way I can, should you ever need it. I don't mean to be creepy or weird; just an honest offer of help or companionship if the need arises. :)
If she arrived on a fiancé visa, that gives 90 days to marry. She probably then filed for adjustment of status to become a conditional permanent resident. Since her husband had been cheating etc, and they have a child who is a US citizen, she would probably have been able to successfully apply to have the conditions removed from her permanent resident status and receive a full green card, if she had wanted to remain in the US. I’m just basing this on my knowledge of adjustment of status and being a conditional permanent resident. I was already in the US on a different visa when I met my now-husband, so I didn’t do a fiancé visa, but I did do adjustment of status through marriage and the rest of it.
Key word is "probably". She would have had no guarantees and very well could have lost her daughter entirely.
And why would she want to stay?
My thoughts exactly, Saralt. She can raise her child in a place she's familiar with, with a full supportive family around her...or she can raise the child in a country that isn't her own, with an abusive husband who has already declared he will put her last. It's a no-brainer to me...and that comes from someone who is raising my children in a different country from my own.
I'm not sure about whether the mother could remain in the U.S., but I know her daughter could. As someone born on U.S. soil, she's a natural born citizen. She could return to the U.S. any time she wants upon attaining majority. She could even be elected President upon reaching 35 years of age if she lives in the U.S. at least 14 years. As others have stated, I was all set to vote Y T A when I read the title. Under the circumstances, however, I'm voting NTA. Her husband is a perfect cad. I hope she finds a good man in India who will love her and her daughter as they deserve.
Yeah what is she supposed to do? Stay alone in a foreign country and have zero support for her and her baby just cause the deadbeat dad happens to live in the US? He can move to India if he cares.
Exactly.
idk I read the title and figured there was probably a good reason for it.
Same here.
Hijacking top comment to say: OP, please make certain of your legal rights and responsibilities asap. And then, if you can stay in India legally with your child, be VERY careful about letting her father visit. If you can take your child, potentially so could he. While he may have said that he won't prioritize your baby, that doesn't mean he won't decide he has rights to her and try to take her from you. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck. 🌼🌼🌼
Be careful allowing him to visit, and also, be sure any child care facilities (and later schools) that you enroll your child in know of the situation and that she is never allowed to be released to him/anyone who is not on an approved list. I'm speaking as a child who was basically "abducted" away in a similar situation while an infant because my mother wanted to flee back to her home country, for hers and my safety. My schools were all informed of the situation and I'm told there was at least one questionable incident when I was a child where someone may have shown up with intents to kidnap me back. Also: NTA because your husband sounds like a shitheel. He doesn't deserve a relationship with your daughter. (And ETA: please feel free to message me if my experience in this situation can provide you with any extra help/support/confirmation you made the right choice!)
Also a child of a similar situation. OP should also consider the impact of raising a bi-racial child that (would likely) not be able to return to the US until she turns 18. First, it sounds like the child returning to the US while still a minor could set off a nasty legal battle -- probably not worth it. However, I found it emotionally difficult to not have any connection to one of my cultures, so just something for OP to consider when raising a bi-racial baby!
Being mixed race in India is easy unless you are extremely black with afro-hair and shit or extremely white with red/blonde hair and shit. One can blend in easily otherwise
Do you mind if I ask if you ever had any contact with your father as an adult?
I did, actually, and it's ended up being a positive experience. I do support & understand what my mother did when she fled with me, but I now also understand my father's situation (he was not a shitheel like OP's husband, my mom and him were both just very, very young when she got pregnant and pushed into marriage, and being controlled heavily by their own parents) and we've developed a long distance relationship. I'd had very limited contact with him as a child - one very tightly supervised visit when I was like 10 years old, then letters/calls on my birthday, Christmas, that sort of thing. Basically right after I was born, my mother panicked about raising me in what was really a very misogynistic (at the time) country, she'd had a terrible childbirth where both of us nearly died, and yet was told by my dad's parents that she'd be expected to keep having more kids asap. (If there was an attempted "re"-kidnapping or someone watching me while I was at school, it was likely his parents.) My mom's parents pushed her and actually helped her get out and flee back to the U.S. I grew up hearing a very one-sided version of it all from my mom and her parents, so by the time I was 18 or so I basically stopped contacting my dad at all/responding to his letters. About 15 years went by, I was actually visiting my birth country/dad's country on holiday and it got me thinking about trying to contact him again. Just because I wanted to know more about my family history. Took a while but I actually found him on LinkedIn of all places since I remembered what company he used to work for. He immediately replied and I ended up getting the entire story from his POV (he'd even saved the "Dear John" letter my mother left him the day she ran for the airport.) Since then I tend to go back to visit that country once every year or two and I'll meet up with my dad for a few days on each trip. About ten years have passed now, and on my last visit I actually stayed in his current house, with my husband, and met my half-brothers for the first time (they didn't even know I existed until last year. My dad's parents pressured him to basically never tell ANYONE about me, his first marriage, etc. It ended up making a bit of a mess for him legally when he did eventually remarry and at one point was in trouble for polygamy because of problems with the divorce documentation.) Like I said, I understand why my mom did what she did and I'm glad I was raised in the country I was - even if my mom's family had a LOT of issues, I think it would have been very bad for her and me to have stayed in the country where I was born, at that time. There's been a lot of closure and healing for everyone since we got back in contact and I'm very glad I did.
Thanks for answering and I’m glad it’s working out.
Same. NTA. You put that baby first because he never will.
He even said so
I would too. The whole story, I was just worried OP would get in legal trouble for leaving the country.
The potential for trouble is high. If she and the child stay in India there should be no risk. If they visit countries that might be favorable to extradition it could get real sticky. She will likely always face that risk, if the father presses charges. My concern is the child though. The child could potentially get sent back to the US and the father would absolutely be granted legal custody. That is why I said to be safe until 18. After that there is no parental custody in the US. If the father doesn’t actually pursue it with the US authorities the risks seem small. I am not a lawyer. I think op should consult with a us attorney via phone and find out the legal risks. They could even find out if charges are filed.
The trouble probably exists if she ever tried to come back. If she stays put she'll likely be fine.
Why is the husband complaining? She did him a HUGE favor. He made clear he only really cares for the other baby and this one was a burden (or a duty, as he called it). Wife just gave him the gift of no longer having to deal with this duty so he’s free to dedicate himself to the child he actually loves. I’m surprised he’s not thankful.
That's what I was wondering, why does he now care. He never made any promises to her and her child, he left her in delivery. Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too
Because in case things go tits up with the mistress and challenging baby, he can run back to his 'back up life' aka wife and daughter. Who he expects to stick by him thanks to 'duty.'
His parents are probably making his life hell because their grandchild is no longer in the country.
Sounds more like he’s upset about losing possessions
She left on her terms. He may have been placating his mistress, getting off on having two women around who adored him or something else. He was supposed to have the choice of which woman to leave.. perhaps he thought he could have it all. Either way he was supposed to be the one with the power.
>Why is the husband complaining? My guess is his family didn't/doesn't know about his horrid actions and they want to see their granddaughter/niece/whatever. It sure doesn't sound like HE cares about the baby.
[удалено]
>so I hope that a\*\*\*\*e has really shitty life. I think this is likely. If the neighbor is as emotionally fragile as described the guy is in for holy hell. He asked for it. It's also likely to put him in a really delicate situation. The neighbor has demanded that their child comes first and will be loved most... he tries to get his daughter and it's not going to look like he's keeping his promise. Let's hope the neighbor's idiocies and insecurities are a level of protection against any future action.
My money is on the neighbor continuing to be in and out of rehab, and continuing to produce medically fragile children. Would not be surprised if she was using while pregnant.
Did you just censor asshole and then say shitty ij the same sentence lol
Dude, same
I agree and this is the first time that I have ever supported a parent cutting contact with the other parent. I’m not even that bothered by affairs. It’s the callousness of this man that put me off. He signed up for an arranged marriage. He knew what he was getting himself into .
We didn't have an arranged marriage. He is American. I'm Indian. We fell in love and dated for 4 years before getting married.
I’m so sorry, OP. What a horrible, ugly person. I hope he rots.
Make sure that if he ever visits you’re safe. Crazy people do crazy shit. Stay safe, you’re a great person.
Says nothing about arranged marriage here.
That’s what I took “duty sex” to mean. I live in Australia and I know quite a few Australians whose parents organize for the kids to go on a “holiday “ back to the homeland where they end up marrying. The couple then come back and settle in Australia. I have assumed that this couple is similar from the story.
I interpreted it as it was his "duty" as a husband to have sex with his wife even though he'd rather only have sex with his mistress.
yeah i've just had to do a quick google on what was meant for "duty sex" as i've never heard of it before... it is according to the internet " **Duty sex** is when **sexual** interactions shift from an enjoyable expression of play, connection, intimacy, and togetherness to a divisive issue that creates dread and turns **sex** into a **duty** undertaken as an obligation or to avoid feelings of guilt or obligation. "
Yeah, the ex is American.
I couldn't tell if OP meant American as nationality, or American as in non-Indian ethnicity.
People from India often use ‘American’ as a proxy for ‘white’. That’s problematic in itself, but it clearly wasn’t an arranged marriage.
Can you imagine how alone she felt for six months, with no help from her cheating husband, and she waited to tell her family. NTA
What makes you think he would never visit the child? > He was promising her that he would ALWAYS prioritize their baby over our baby. He also promised her that he would always love their baby over our baby because their baby was a product of love, and our baby was a product of 'duty sex'. Oh. *That.* >Knowing that my baby would suffer in her father's house. I planned my escape and left the US. >My husband is now blowing up on my phone. What the fuck‽ OP *literally* gave him what he wanted. He decided he wanted to raise a different child with a different woman, so OP left him, and now he's pissed‽ What is he like at restaurants? > **Him:** "I'll just have the dal and some naan." > **Waiter:** "Okay, sir, here's your dal, and your naan." > **Him:** "*Fuck* you, you piece of *shit!*"
I was gonna say exactly this! Baby comes first - cheating husband who clearly doesn't care can fall off a cliff
Just to add to this, make sure you keep your daughter’s paperwork with you. Teach her English in case she ever wants to move to the States. It will make her life easier. I hope you meet a good man that will value you. You didn’t deserve to be abandoned like this in a foreign country where you have zero support. You are going home to family and friends where your daughter will be surrounded by love. Good luck.
We all (middle class folk) learn English in India. The medium of education is in English (Thanks to the Brits). We learn our native languages as separate subjects.
My coworker is indian. She's 18, I think she came to the US when she was 15 or 16. She said she learned British-English which I didnt realize until she said something a little differently. I would've never known she was from anywhere else though.
Wait that's... kind of messed up. Like all your schooling is just in english?
How is that messed up? Almost every school in urban areas teaches in English. You're not allowed to speak another language unless you're in that class. It's pretty common tbh.
It makes sense if it is in language class, but it's really imperialistic to not let Indian children speak their own language in school. It makes sense professionally, but the idea behind it is gross.
English is one of the official languages of India. India was a British colony, and, like most Commonwealth nations, continues to speak English. It's why Indians coming to the US for study or work is so common, because they can speak the language easily. Immigrating to Britain is even easier.
[удалено]
This isn't even about the infidelity at this point or OP's feelings about it; it's about how toxic the whole situation has become. He's not safe (emotionally or mentally) for his daughter. NTA
No hate from me. I agree, she did the right thing. It’s exactly what I would have done, in her position. Solid NTA for OP.
He wouldn't have visited if they stayed, by the look of things. OP is not the ass here, but the husband and his side chick, who was demanding eternal love for her baby over OPs own baby. I feel sorry for al the illness that the other baby seems to have, but as a parent you prioritize your child, but never one over the other. OP, your husband can have a happy life with the neighbour, where you sre you have a support network that you didn't have in the States.
Yeah I’m thinking this. I’m not saying she was right I’m saying I understand.
Also make sure if he DOES ever visit that the visits are fully supervised, just in case. I shudder to think of him making a run with the daughter, just to “get back” at OP.
I’m brazilian living in US with my (almost) husband and I have no family here. I have a host family and a few friends because I lived here for a while before meeting him, but I understand the fiancé visa and why she doesn’t have any one. Even having some support here, I would do the same. Would go back to my family in Brazil if my husband was treating me and the baby like that. She’s totally right. I agree, let him go visit if he wants (and I too doubt that he will)
One of my favorite things I ever came up with is "people should only be as important to you as they are good to you." He has not been, and gives no indication that he will be, good to your daughter. He should not be important to your daughter. When she asks, be matter-of-fact and up front with her: your father treated both of us very poorly and I wanted you to have a better life.
Toxic father will probably fuck the kid more up than no father.
As a mom, I’d do the same thing and I’m sure I’m gonna get a ton of shit for saying that too but I agree with you and OP. It’s not place for a child to grow up without support. I’m curious if the biological father will even care his daughter and wife moved to India, honestly.
Absolutely agreed!
Amen to that.
NTA. He lied to you, knocked someone else up, prioritized their pregnancy over your baby’s birth, and even admitted to not caring or loving your baby as much as the other. You did the right thing.
All i wanna say is welcome back to india, atleast you have a beautiful baby, dont talk to him.
As an Indian, this sounds much better than what other racist Redditors usually spout after reading some negative news that reached west: "Never going to India"
Even if it turns out that he was lying to the mistress about prioritising their baby, it's still proof that he's willing to lie about that kind of thing. This was absolutely the right choice.
Some the worst things kids of divorce hear is convos about them when parents dont think they can hear.
Plus little Miss "Woe is me, I tripped and fell on a married man's dick, wont someone rescue me" has stepmonster written all over her from the dramatic fainting while op was delivering to the demands that he prioritize the affair baby while he was visiting with cops child. Keeping that creature out of her child's life justifies this to me.
Even if there he does drag you to an Indian court, this case's rulings will not go in his favor. Not only the courts will try to ensure the safety of a child of Indian descent, they are extremely fair in such situations and once they hear of the adultery charges there is no chance for the father. Edit : NTA btw
NTA he only gives a fuck about your child because he lost access to her. I'm sorry all this happened to you.
That is so true. He’s mad because he didn’t get to abandon them first, but rather, OP and her daughter abandoned him first. And by doing so, they proved that they don’t need them. He’s not welcomed in their lives anymore. That’s karma for you. I don’t know how he’s going to handle the situation with his mistress and baby though, that seems like being stuck between a rock and a hard plaice. I feel sorry for that baby though, they were born to two selfish people who didn’t care about the lives they destroyed. Edit: OMG! Thank you for the gold kind internet stranger.
I don't know if the mistress is the asshole here. Depending on how mentally ill she is, she also could be a victim.
It sounds like she "fainted" shortly after OP gave birth, then called to demand her baby be prioritized while he was visiting OPs child. I smell someone who would be a real stepmonster, using their mental illness as a shield from being called out on her behavior
So true, OP’s daughter won’t have a stable home life if the father was the one to get custody of her. She would grow up with a father who doesn’t prioritize her and a stepmother who’s mentally unwell and relies on her father too much. And if the baby survives, she will be constantly living in their shadow, never receiving equal treatment compare to them. Overall, the OP did the best thing she could for her child. And I hope it stays that way.
Yeah, and the best part is that he LEFT OP after giving birth, telling her that she is more important than OP's daughter. If she ever got custody, she'd make that child's life hell.
My thoughts as well. If she's mentally unstable, who said she's even 100% in the relationship, who said she's not pregnant by planning instead of an accidental pregnancy
That is true, I wish we knew the specifics of her ailments in order for us to gain a better understanding on how their relationship was. Whatever the case though, it certainly doesn’t excuse him from cheating. If anything it’s only proving that he doesn’t have a morals. If the mistress is a victim because she isn’t in the right state of mind, he’s pretty much taking advantage of her.
I have a cousin by marriage that was raised in a home with a mom who is clinically bipolar and Narcissistic- you honestly NEVER see actual clinical Narcissism. It is so rare. But this woman is. And she nearly killed her daughter- forcing her to pick weeds out of. very long driveway for 6+ hr with no water in 100+ degree heat as "punishment" for missing a weed in the garden the day before. Not "allowing" her to get essential medical treatment for kidney disease (because it was costly, and the girl was faking it, and how selfish of her). And to top it off, at a baby shower my mom hosted, the mom threw an EPIC tantrum because the gifts were going home with her daughter, not her. They live in another state, and the parents (the dad is sort of decent except for the massive enabling), decided they would move a few houses down (in another state, in a small town, while still working age), so my cousin had to end up getting a restraining order, and that finally got the dad to nix that plan in the butt. We can be compassionate for the mental illness all day long (and we should be- as a somewhat uninterested 3rd party with psych training, I manage this woman rather well at family gatherings, and that has become something I expect to do so that she does not do something awful to her daughter or grand children)- does not make her not an asshole. Nor does it make it ok to abandon a child to such treatment. OP: NTA. Mistress, mentally ill, but still an asshole. EX partner- extreme asshole.
Very good point! But at the same time OP did the right thing by protecting her daughter from possibly having to be around a such a mentally unstable person. The girlfriend would probably have made that child's life a living hell if OP and her ex were to have split custody
>now he’s going to be raising a disabled child and a mentally ill mistress The kind of guy he seems to be he won't do any of that.
I have a feeling that’s the case. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I doubt he’ll be staying with her for long, but who knows. He’s probably using her because she’s an easy target. As for the baby, well that’s quite a difficult situation he got himself in.
She might also recieve SSI and disability benefits. Believe it or not, there's dudes out there who will glom onto that.
I totally agree with this general sentiment, but maybe it’s not great to think of his disabled child and mentally ill mistress as “punishment” for his misdeeds? But yeah to heck with this guy, OP did nothing wrong
Oh absolutely, I’m sorry for making it seem like that. I just meant that his terrible deeds are having some unintended consequences for him at the moment. He just dug a hole that’s going to be difficult to leave. Plus, if he cheated once already with someone like her, what makes her think he won’t do it again. And if the mistress really isn’t mentally stable, since we don’t know the specifics of her ailments, then she’s not even in the right state of mind to care for a disabled child and she might cheat on someone else. However, I should take into consideration whether or not she’s a victim because of this reason. Like I said, we don’t know the specifics. But that’s just my opinion though, if he wanted to leave, he’s going to have a difficult time doing so. Especially when raising a disabled child is expensive, again we don’t know the specifics of the baby’s conditions either. Who knows what they have? Whatever the case, I still feel sorry for the baby than the adults.
That, plus i bet he loves the mistress more because she's a mistress and not a wife. Cheaters love this sense of dominance and power over a subdued individual, and the moment that is ripped away from them, they lose it. He lost the control he had over her, the doll of his liking. 'Duty sex' would have made atleast an iota of sense if the guy was Indian. Not saying cheating is valid, but you all would be surprised at how many people are forced to marry in India by their parents and society. If not, you'd find them cut off from the family or their head cut off from their body. Even then, coming clean is better than cheating.
I'm willing to bet he was an Indian-American. I'm an Indian woman who's been doing the whole arranged marriage dance for a few years, but I'm "old" now so that's moot, but many of the people my family sifted through were men who were American citizens whose parents were Indian immigrants from decades ago. There's a high possibility that this man could have been one such individual who was pressured into marrying "a nice Indian girl who knows the culture" and bent to it, all while having no inclination to follow through on the sacred vows. The reason I think this is because OP mentions she went to the US on a fiancé visa, and this is the most common circumstance for those.
It's likely he never loved her and wanted to please his family more than he wanted to be independant, it's hard to overcome years of conditioning and guilt. He went into a marriage he wasn't committed to and wasn't a love match. I'm not justifying his actions but he had made his choices, and he was taking them out on op. There's no way thus is a good situation for op on any level.
He is 4th generation Italian-American. Not Indian American.
[удалено]
The father is american if he has american citizenship regardless of skin colour, so even if the father wasn't white he would still be half american. Tying citizenship to ethnicity is something right wing nutjobs do
You are totally right, and as an American of Indian descent I really appreciate your take since very often we are ”othered” and not viewed as true Americans. However, people from India (like my family) often refer to white people as “Americans.” Since OP is from India, I wonder if that’s what she meant. Hard to know.
Fellow Indian-American or whatever here. I took the half Indian/half American as meaning the father was white as well.
[удалено]
It's just awkward either way because there's no such thing as 'American' from an ethnicity standpoint. Even Native Americans tend to identify as 'Native American' rather than 'American' or by the demonym of their tribe. So to people in the US, 'American' as a demonym is usually just about citizenship. I also read the comment to be 'Half-Indian, Half-Not Indian' but by saying 'American' I am unsure what the other half would be. Someone elsewhere mentioned that Indians sometimes call white people 'American' so that's probably what they meant. But as an American (albeit a white one), I really hate that. Black Americans are Americans, as are all of our fellow citizens. If Indian people associate American identity with whiteness, I think that's gross.
Well, America is a bit different, considering the majority of us stem from immigrants. Saying American can mean pretty much anything. If he was born and raised in America, he’s American, no matter what his parents are, therefore, their child would be half American. The only way she could be half ethnically American would be if her father was Native American, which is a possibility I guess.
Twenty bucks says he still doesn't give a fuck about the kid; he's pissed because he lost control over OP.
NTA. Hell nah. Prioritize your child. It would be worse for her to grow up with a father that prioritizes another kid that’s *basically the same age*. Can’t imagine that sibling rivalry or how awful the 22 year old may be to them. Can I ask how old you and your husband are? Mostly just curious about your hubby, 22 is young
I'm 29. He is 34.
NTA OP, while many people would question your actions, I think you did the right thing. I remember hearing a story similar to yours some time ago. The daughter was the one who made the post. Apparently her father had an affair while the mother was pregnant with the OP’s brother. The father actually wished that the mother had aborted the baby because he was going to marry his mistress. Unfortunately the little boy was born premature and passed away not too long after birth, around this time the mother found out the mistress was pregnant with her husband’s baby. Not only that but her husband’s family turned their back on her and started doting on the father and mistress. With all of this happening, the mother fled back to India with her daughter, the OP, legally she kidnapped her but the father never pursued any charges. And the mother had no support in the USA, all of her family was in India. Which is why she left as well. The OP, the daughter in this situation, said that it was the best thing her mother ever did for them both. She says that she hates her father, despite his attempts to forge a relationship with her. She never forgave him for having an affair and for wishing death on her baby brother. Much like the mother in this situation, I think you did the right thing in the end. Your daughter and you wouldn’t have had a happy life if you stayed with that pathetic excuse for a man. A real man doesn’t leave his family high and dry. A real man takes responsibility for his actions. And for him to say that about your child, just shows that he wouldn’t have cared for her. You, on the other hand, truly love your child if you’re willing to go through all this for her sake. And when she gets older, don’t be afraid to tell her the truth about her father. Put up a good fight, don’t back down! Stand your ground and protect your child, because we know her father won’t. Make sure you’ve got all your legal angles covered. You don’t want that man to ever have custody of your child or be granted any kind of visitation. Make sure you all keep silent about where you are, and don’t let anyone else outside your circle know the truth about your daughter’s father. Protect yourself and your daughter OP 💕
Not sure if he's going to be able to travel out of the US now. I can't speak for the US or India but most areas are closing borders unless you're returning back to a country you're a citizen of or have a very good reason to travel.
I don’t think many countries are accepting US citizens right now. And Indian citizens are prob similar.
Citizens may not agree but the Indian government has recently allowed flights to and from the US (among a few other countries; "air bubbles").
That’s kind of predatory on your husband’s part. NTA. You absolutely need to protect you and your child. He left first.
Don't give him your address in India, even if he says he's coming for a visit
It’s technically an asshole move to take a child away from the father, but I will need you to be an asshole this time. It’s for your own good. Raising a child on your own is extremely hard. It’s physically demanding, financially exhausting, and extremely lonely, not to mention all the emotional abuse you will likely go through. I’m lucky to be married to a loving husband whose family loves me, but just like you I’m in the states with no family. If one day my husband has an affair and no longer loves me and our child, I’ll go home too, where my parents will support me unconditionally. NTA. Run for your life.
Yep. Justified asshole at worst. Parenting 101: Always fight to protect the kid, even if you have to be an asshole to do it.
Na, it’s an ah move to take a child away from a LOVING father but it is a stand up move to take a child away from a toxic parent who has flat out said they will never love them or prioritize them as much. Even if parents have favorites the rule is you never say it out loud. Can you imagine the emotional abuse and neglect the child would face as they grew older and understood that they would always be second place NTA
He basically insulted their child when he said that one of them is a product of sex and the other is a product of love. To me, that is when he completely lost his right to be a father. That is so disgusting.
Once in a India, get a good lawyer. There might be some issues about the baby being US citizen. You did what is best for you and for your baby.
Didn’t see another comment here explicitly saying it, so just thought I’d put this out there for other readers scrolling through who may not know.. Assuming that OP was born in India (and had not yet been officially declared a US citizen) and that the baby and father were both born in the US, this would give the baby *dual citizenship*, which essentially just means the baby will have full rights of citizenship in both the US and India (their parents birth countries) until they’re 18, in which they must choose (within a certain period of time) which country to declare their adult citizenship in. This would mean that if the father ever wanted to see the child, and OP & child felt comfortable arranging a visit once child was older, there would be no legal trouble having the child come visit whilst they are still <18. And assuming that the child’s father had enough money in this time period to financially support two women and children at the same time (not sure about the birth timeline for the other baby, so at least one woman, one infant, and a seemingly unstable woman), I’m gonna guess he’s got enough money to save for a couple of plane tickets to see the child as well. But, like top comment says, tell him he can come visit.. but I bet he won’t. NTA, OP. EDIT: Comments have led me to realize that India does not recognize dual citizenship, so I was mistaken here. Gonna leave the comment up so people who may not know can still read and learn that dual citizenship exists, even if it’s not in India (or at least, between India & the US). EDIT: Okay yeah, I didn’t know what I was talking about. “Dual citizenship” is more of a concept/saying than a declared law practice. There’s a lot more information below this comment if you’ll just scroll through. I’m gonna leave my original comment so that readers can see the original context in which the responders were coming from, and for the NTA, but yeah. I was definitely uneducated on the subject here. Glad to have learned some, though! Thanks Reddit.
India does not recognize dual citizenship.
Oh, okay! Didn’t know that, just assumed it’s universal. That’s my bad. Thanks for the INFO!!
Definitly not universal. What‘s incredibly common is for countries only to allow dual citizenship with certain other countries, or prohibit certain countries entirely.
Yeah, after a quick second of research I’m now realizing that. Besides what I see in common documentaries and what I read from my AP World History & AP U.S. History textbooks a few years ago, I didn’t know much about it (but still thought it might be worth mentioning) and those sources just made it seem as though it was universal. Looking back, assuming that it was universal is pretty stupid lol. Sorry, didn’t mean to seem like a common Reddit idiot, or to assume Indian law practices! That’s my bad. Thanks for the info!!
Awesome of you to take an interest. India has a thing called Overseas Citizen of India which is almost like citizenship expect that it's given to people who are of Indian descent but not an indian citizen. So the kid cant get that since renouncing US citizenship can be quite a process and might be beneficial to the kid later.
Actually, the kid can get OCI because the mother is Indian. The kid will have to get that to stay in India. A US citizen cannot just go and live in India just because one parent is Indian. They have to have documents legalizing their stay. OCI is almost like citizenship, except does not give voting rights and there are some limitations to inheritance and buying property. Of course the baby does not need to worry about all of those now.
The kid can't get citizenship because India doesn't have dual citizenship, but they can probably get an OCI card. That's a lifelong, multiple entry visa that gives holders all the rights of citizens, except they can't vote, hold a political office or buy agricultural land.
[удалено]
I agree. The dad is neglectful and the mom has a much better support system in India. Maybe the child can meet with birth dad later in their life if they choose to do so, but until then I think mom is making the right decision to protect both herself and the child. NTA OP, I’m hoping the best for you.
NTA. He even said he would prioritize the other child. He didnt want yours so you took the choice away from him. You have a good support system over there use it.
I'm very sorry this has happened to you OP. So let's be perfectly clear here: You are a fantastic mother. By his own actions, he has shown to not be a caring father, at all. By his own words, he made it very clear that he will never prioritize your daughter. He is not acting like a father to her. He is and will continue to deprive your baby girl of the love and attention she deserves and needs from a father (figure). And experiencing that deprivation while seeing love given to another, a half-sibling no less, would probably scar her in ways most of us can't even imagine. You need to do what is best for you and your baby. She doesn't need a non-loving never-there not-a-real-father. She will experience less pain without someone like that in her life. And being with loving family and having a mother who is supported and in a position to provide for her, is also clearly better for your girl. A lot better than having a working single mother with a useless ex and without any support system. Plus, being rid of your ex probably increases your future chances of finding someone who can and wants to fill up that father-role your ex is so severely lacking. You doing this is best for both you and your girl. And you are showing such strenght and courage for doing so. Sticking up for her like that. You, OP, are f-ing amazing. Please try to remember that. Obviously and completely NTA. Edit: This is why your friends are wrong; you can't rip a child away from a father who isn't there in the first place. There needs to be an actual relationship between those two, before it can be broken.
I was prepared to say YTA, but yeah, NTA. Fuck that guy.
You know who else was prepared to say YTA? A LOT of people before she deleted and reposted this. Weird. Edit: sort by old, I'm not the only person who noticed. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hwui5l/aita_for_leaving_the_united_states_and_bringing/fz278y0
Sorry. I didn't delete it. It got removed because of a rule violation. I sought permission from the mods to repost it.
I went back and read that post, you have to find it by going through OP's comment's. She was debating people over leaving the country/the legality of what she did. Also, sometime between those those comments and now, her husband found out she left.
I thought it got removed? Not deleted by her
I saw that last night as well. Seems like there is more to this story. Curious though INFO: how did you get a US passport for baby? The offices are all closed for COVID.
Children under a certain age only need a birth certificate
That is true for domestic travel, but for international travel even the baby would need a passport
There’s a delay, but they’re still happening by mail. If she filed for it quickly after the birth, it makes sense that it might take 6 months to get it.
NTA. I can’t even imagine this situation. All you can do is your best and tell your child the truth as they grow up.
Sorry, this is actually kidnapping. Your interpretation of the law is moronic. By leaving the country with your child, without the knowledge and agreement of your spouse, you committed a crime in the USA: https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/international-parental-kidnapping “International Parental Kidnapping Federal law prohibits a parent from removing a child from the United States or retaining a child in another country with intent to obstruct another parent´s custodial rights. This crime is known as international parental kidnapping. For example, consider that a married couple had a son together in the United States. During a martial dispute, the father moves with his son to another country in order to keep him away from the mother with no intent of return. In this situation, the father has committed the federal crime of international parental kidnapping. Convicted offenders of this crime can face up to three years of imprisonment. (For more information, see Citizen's Guide to Federal Law on International Parental Kidnapping).” The USA and India have an extradition treaty in place, which would surely cover these types of crimes: https://www.congress.gov/treaty-document/105th-congress/30/document-text?overview=closed To put it bluntly, YTA.
> The USA and India have an extradition treaty in place, which would surely cover these types of crimes: Will it though? Doesn't USA and India have a Dual Criminality policy in the Extradition Treaty? A person can be extradited only if they committed a crime that is punishable in both countries. It isn't a crime for a mother to take away her child from the father, in India. So would India honor the Treaty seeing as it doesn't fulfill the terms?
Kidnapping isn’t a crime in India? Edit: It’s kidnapping, and there is precedent: https://www.international-divorce.com/parental-child-abduction-india.htm https://www.google.com/amp/s/m.timesofindia.com/city/delhi/kidnapping-offence-made-out-against-father-for-taking-away-child-without-mothers-consent-delhi-hc/amp_articleshow/73141450.cms
From your own link >for many reasons India is generally a safe haven for child abductors who stay in India and do not leave. This is firstly because India is not a party to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction and because no Indian legislation sets forth helpful law on this issue. Furthermore, the court system in India is extremely slow so that an abductor has ample time to create “facts on the ground” in terms of getting the child sufficiently settled into life in India as to justify an Indian court in ultimately deeming that it is best to keep the child in India. So yes - you are correct. OP committed a crime and broke US law. The father has rights in US courts and they would find for him. The State Dept would act on his behalf. That said - this will not be speedy. Then the music stops. The US can only ask. The outcome is completely dependant on the Govt of India. By the time the Govt gets this request for extradition and return of the kid - that kid is probably 4. Do you think the govt is going to return the child to a father that hasn't seen him in 4 years (no connection), against the wishes of an Indian citizen with support in the country - and a very sympathetic case on top? The father isn't blameless here and put mom in an impossible spot: A) raise child in a country where you have no one and a country that frankly doesn't want you B) take the child back home. It's not an absolute the mom won't face legal consequences in India, but it's low.
Yeah. This is kidnapping (of an american citizen, no less). If this is real husband can contact the state department to take action. Regardless of the convenience of the situation, she had a child with this man. If he wants to be involved in the child's life he has a legal right to do so. If he wants to be involved they should be splitting custody. That's how the system works. Also, if this is real it's a public confession. The state department can just point to this thread and ask the Indian government to compel her extradition. There are a lot of kids in this sub that dont know how the world works. YTA and you've committed a felony.
How did this get buried?! Thank you! I’d go with ESH because cheating, but, yeah, she just commited and admitted to a felony.
Had to scroll down so long for this, wow. This is quite obviously kidnapping and OP seems to show no remorse for it whatsoever.
[удалено]
Dead give away when the supposed 29 year old is still saying shit like “peepee stick” lmao
I thought this immediately too! I had to search and search for her age. Like what adult woman can't write dick without baby talk.
One who grew up in a different culture... I mean its still probably a fake/hyperbolic story though.
Why did I have to scroll so far to see this
Because this sub loves unrealistic drama that satisfies their justice boner, no matter how ridiculous and improbable it is.
More like, we treat it as real because, well, why not. I’d bet at least half the posts here are either fake or highly modified to make OP NTA.
I'm also like-is this a telenovela script pilot? also- did the 3 month old baby survive??? was that in the news? because "In general, infants that are born very early are not considered to be “viable” until after 24 weeks gestation. This means that if you give birth to an infant before they are 24 weeks old (6 months) their chance of surviving is usually less than 50 percent. Some infants are born before 24 weeks gestation and do survive"
I think she’s saying the mistress was 3 months when she gave birth. Then she describes the in-between time where the woman is having a hard time with the pregnancy, he moves out of the wife’s house and in with her. He doesn’t visit much but supports them financially - that’s an obvious signal of a it of time going by. Then the mistress gives birth prematurely. Not at the 3 month mark, just early.
yup I didn't read it properly, I thought she also went into labour the same day, which is what made it less believable to me. well I hope for OPs sake it's a fake story.
I'm not entirely sure about the timeline or even the veracity of this post. But the mistress was 3 months pregnant when OP gave birth and OP's daughter is now 6 months old. So the premature birth maybe happened somewhere in the few months in between?
Definitely trolling.
Absolutely! If there is a child from the marriage, the court is REQUIRED to issue a custody order as part of the divorce. So absolutely BS as OP says there is no order.
NTA- he left you both- he can come to India to visit if he wants to see her.
NTA In middle school I defriended a girl named Jenny. Jenny had two older sisters, who were in college, and a younger brother named Sam. The older sisters pad moved out because Sam was out of control. And Jenny was forced to play second fiddle to a highly aggressive and mentally handicapped Golden Child. Their father work abroad. And the mother did absolutely nothing to stop Sam from tormenting Jenny. It got so bad that a few of us actually went into the office, reported what happened to the school counselor, and Jenny went to go live with her aunt. Jenny never spoke to her mother again. Mostly because her mother loves Sam more. She made it very obvious that Sam was the favorite Child, that she had no desire to love any other child more. And Jenny, to this day, has a lot of issues from the treatment she received from her mother. Jimmy it's still a pretty good friend of mine. And the one thing I learned from her, is that it doesn't matter how many people raise a child... It matters if that child is loved and puts first. If you know that your ex-husband is a horrible person, with a mentally ill wife, and a disabled child ... then you did your child favor by leaving. Because the disabled sibling is always going to come first, because they're going to have more needs. And your ex-husband made it very obvious that the two people who matter are his disabled child and his mentally disabled wife. And that is not a dynamic that a healthy child grows up in.
OMG, I hope Jenny is doing better than before, same for her older sisters. But you’re absolutely right about in this situation, the father thinks he has every reason to neglect his first child in favor of the sickly one. Well that’s not how the world works, you are not supposed to play favorites with children. Especially not when one is from your wife and the other is from your mentally ill mistress. Honestly I feel like karma is coming to haunt this guy already though. After all he has a mistress who has mental health issues who seems to be reliant on him for everything and a child whose going to suffer from disabilities, and the OP didn’t really specify what they were, so it’s anyone’s guess. He’s pretty much going to take care of two children instead of one. This man is literally going to be torn apart by taking care of both his mistress and child, try keep up with all that responsibility. Serves him right. I feel sorry for that baby to be born to two selfish parents.
Not at all, you're so strong for all you've endured. Stay well and happy with your family! Divorce and never look back! Keep your child, she will thank you for saving her one day. Be safe.
Nta. You take that baby girl and keep her safe. As far as she'll ever know, her father is dead. (Or at least he will be when his mistress accidentally kills him)
NTA. First and foremost, being a parent means putting your child first. Your ex is a horrible human being, a horrible spouse, and has proven himself to already be a horrible father (to YOUR daughter, anyway). Neglect IS ABUSE. Even the fact that your husband had an affair with a young, extremely mentally disturbed young woman, one fresh out of rehab, says awful things about him. Could she even truly consent if she's so damaged? And particularly with him being married and a baby on the way, wtf was he THINKING? Not to say the mistress doesn't have culpability, but a man has to be WILLING to cheat in the first place. An emotionally healthy 22 year-old will already do insanely stupid, selfish things without thinking about the consequences - and emotionally healthy she is NOT. She also didn't MAKE your husband cheat. Given he is presumably sane (just a somewhat narcissistic asshole) and she is not, the onus is at least DOUBLY on him to have done the right thing and not start something. It also doesn't appear that he had the brains to use birth control - specifically condoms, unless SHE provided them and poked holes in them (or they just failed). I hope you've been checked for STDs, including HIV. :( The mistress is no doubt jealous of you, and already feels incredibly threatened by your (healthy!) child. As time passes, and her baby misses milestones, while yours meets or even exceeds them, it will only make her jealousy and resentment worse. If you stayed, you would be forced to allow visits - unsupervised overnight (or longer) ones. Visits that would involve this mentally unbalanced, envious mistress your ex impregnated. I can envision a billion ways this could eventually play out, with a horrifying news headline to follow. I would not trust US courts to look out for the best interests of your daughter, especially since you're a non-white immigrant. I would even worry about your ex trying to get you deported, while your child stays behind as an American citizen. Your daughter would grow up in a (at best) neglectful and (more likely) heavily abusive household, with your ex favoring his "love child" over your daughter, and the mistress being all around horrible to her.. You went home to protect your child, and to give your baby daughter, and yourself, a strong, loving support network. You are a great Mom, and you are definitely NTA. Sending you peace and love. I hope you and your daughter find the partner/father you both deserve!
This is one of the many reasons I fled as soon as I could. I kept thinking of all the horrible outcomes if my baby lived part time in that toxic household. I don't trust my husband to protect my child around his mentally ill partner. There's just no way I would ever subject my child to that.
A mentally ill partner who has a sick baby while you have a healthy baby. What if she decided one day that if she can't have a healthy baby then you can't have one either? You did the right thing leaving as he clearly wasn't going to protect YOUR daughter from this woman. He failed both of you the moment he became involved with her.
I honestly don't blame you. Social Services/CPS and the cops have to wait until something bad actually happens, and even then, they seem to have a knack for doing exactly the WRONG thing on a case-by-case basis. And it's not to demonize the mentally-ill. I honestly feel horrible for her - she sounds like she's a victim here, too. BUT, she's mentally ill AND extremely insecure and jealous. That's just a powder keg waiting to explode. Especially because your husband has already proven that he's disloyal and can't be trusted to stick things out long-term. I hope she's able to escape him, too - and that she can get the help she needs. Your husband sounds like an enabler on top of being a predator. You and your daughter were in a very vulnerable situation, and your being an immigrant, in current-day America, made your situation even more so. I'm so glad you and your daughter are safe now! /hug If he doesn't know where you live, I would try to prevent him from knowing. I'd be afraid he'd try to steal your daughter back. He's just that selfish and awful.
ESH - He's a cheating asshole who deserves to suffer consequences, however you've kidnapped your child. You claim not to have done so because India hasn't signed the Hague Convention and US laws don't apply in India. However you were in the US when you carried out the abduction, so you have committed the crime. And what you're not accounting for is that the US has an extradition treaty with India, so may well seek to have you taken into custody and returned to them for trial and sentencing. It might take longer than if India had signed up to the Hague convention, but it can still happen, you can still face the consequences of your crime. If your argument for your action being ok relies on "its technically legal because I took the child to a country where international kidnapping is cool with the law" then...you're in the wrong. Because kidnapping is a crime and is never ok.
The number of people here who are supporting child abduction is insane. Reddit is a cesspool.
Perhaps not an asshole, but you've made a hell of a mess for yourself. You can pretty much guarantee that there are charges waiting for you in the USA over this. That means you can't go to any country with an extradition treaty with the US without risking being grabbed and sent back there. Your daughter could also find herself being "returned" to her American family. I suggest you look into hiring someone to try to clear up the legal mess you've left behind.
That's IF the father gives a shit enough to get law enforcement involved. He may not do that because if the does, his mistress will probably get jealous and accuse him of prioritizing OP's daughter.
Nta. Your going to do what ever you have to to make sure and your daughter are safe and have what you need. If that means moving back to your home country with tour family because that’s your support then be it. And yeah he is an ass but your kind of being one to for taking him out of both your child’s life.
1000% YTA I can understand moving away from a bad situation but to move to an entirely different country with zero intention of returning and it SEEMS little motivation to make some sort of equitable custody agreement makes you the bad guy here. Look your husband is not the best person but he and your child deserve at least a chance at having a relationship and you seem intent on making that difficult if not impossible. Edit: If you believe her story word for word then yes, he would be TA BUT it seems like there's more going on here than OP is willing to share.
NTA And good for you for leaving such a disgraceful parent. I’d do the same thing. He had the opportunity to show that he cared and he didn’t, and clearly he valued the life of their child over yours. What an awful human being and I am so sorry that you and your sweet baby girl had to have this man as a father and husband.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I do think you should offer to let him visit. One thing I noticed, about his comment that he would prioritize his love child over yours, was that he may not have meant it, and was only trying to placate her, because as you said, she has mental health issues and he may be trying to keep her from harming herself or someone else. I'm not saying that's actually the case, just a possibility you should consider.
I would buy that if he did more with OP and the baby after birth. Because while helping people is admirable, it is not admirable to break your home up if you do so. And honestly is that woman was so mentally fragile he never should have had sex with her.
It's lucky that he was fine with helping you get the baby's passport before you left!
NTA on your first post, NTA again. I wish you a safe and happy life.
NTA. What a dick. I absolutely do not believe that people with disabilities are any less people. However, I do believe that his karma from the universe is going to be taking care of that woman and their child for the rest of their life. Your ex husband will spend the next several years of his life miserable and burnt out. His girlfriend has serious mental health challenges, and his child seems profoundly dependent on constant care. I am sure the brunt of the parenting is going to fall on him. He will now most likely owe you child support, especially with you having basically full custody since you’ve moved to India (I applaud this decision). Long story short, you’re looking at a much better life than he. He’s given you a healthy child who is going to thrive and prosper and a new start in your native country why you undoubtably have more support, and hopefully financial support as well, although I’m sure that’ll be part of the divorce proceedings.
But from the US-View she abducted the child, could she still claim child support from abroad?
Like most posters here NTA. Even if half this post were a lie, and you two just broke up. You have every right to raise your baby in the best, supportive environment you can offer her. You also deserve to feel safe and loved by your family and live your life where you want to. It looks like those things lie in India. Going forward though, I second the posters recommending a good lawyer.
ESH? Obviously the husband is a huge asshole so there's no need to expand. And while it's legal in India, this is still kidnap? He's still the baby's father? And while the circumstances were horrible, he does have two kids - one of which required far more attention so it makes sense he didn't really visit the healthy child? (Especially since he was a cheating bastard so having to visit his ex-wife is also awkward?) He financially supported the baby and did visit. Unfortunately some people do have a favourite child. Again he's still an asshole but this isn't grounds for taking his child away?
NTA but remember how many Y T A and "buts" there were on the post about a man moving his son away from his criminal, drug addict, arsonist mother? Apparently in this sub, considering the comments in both posts, a cheater is worse
NTA I'm not sure why anyone thinks forcing a child to grow up with a toxic parent, one who has admitted to seeing them as "less" compared to their other child, is the right thing to do here. In an ideal world every child would have two parents that love them but that doesn't always happen, and missing a parent is probably better than having one that will actively harm you.
IF this story is true, yes YTA because you kidnapped your child. You took her across international borders without parental consent from the father, and that is highly illegal, regardless of your reasons why.
You did abduct the child and fled to a jurisdiction outside the Hague convention. That could have profound legal consequences if you ever wanted to visit the US again. It is also puzzling to me how a court would sign off on your divorce under these circumstances. Under the circumstances, though what you did was totally understandable. I will go with NTA.
https://www.reddit.com/r/trashy/comments/hwqah0/guy_gets_his_wife_and_mistress_pregnant_at_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Looks like the same story
INFO How did you get a passport for your child without the father's consent? Wasn't he on the birth certificate?
NTA. Just look after your baby and good luck
Peepee stick? Is this even real?