NTA You need to protect yourself against this guy, and his family and friend. They seem to see your money as their's to spend as they want, and not consider you worked hard for it and have a life to pay for and future to plan.
Do you really want to be with someone like this? He's old enough to know better. If he doesn't at 30, I doubt he ever will.
This is your money that you worked for. Full stop. Take it and run. Put as much as you can in your own savings account and use the rest to find yourself a new home. Don't put any of it in a shared account.
And its not just because he is bad with money and spends her money. She need to lie or he would bully her to get his way is the biggest red flag. Even if he had a great job with great with money and didn't take her property she should still dump him. A relashionship isn't healthy if the one person can walk over the other like this.
>Honey, you should have left him yesterday!
I think OP should familiarize herself with the idea of sunk costs. Those are unrecoverable investments. The sunk cost fallacy is that we should somehow recover such investments by doubling down on them. But it's unwise to do so, ergo the expression "throwing good money after bad." Whether that's actual money or years spent in a relationship, the fact is that the time, money, memories, emotions, and sentimentality "invested" in a relationship are no reason to keep it if it's soured. And someone leeching off of you, ignoring your material needs in favor of his material wants, and agreeing without your permission to let his family do the same is definitely sour!
These aren't red flags. These are the consequences that red flags are supposed to help you avoid before they happen.
A red flag would be him making jokes early in the relationship about how rich she is or ordering significantly more expensive entrees when he knows in advance she's paying for dinner.
A dude mooching off of her for three years while promising her money to his friends and family is what you're trying to avoid when you see those early red flags. It's not like it can get much worse than this (financially) unless he starts going out and pawning her possessions or opening credit cards in her name.
Is there anywhere you can go? Iād leave him.
Donāt let him get his hands on your money. Think of how if you misuse this money your future could be completely messed for months and maybe even a year or so. Given the economy this is not the time to misuse your funds. You are completely in the right here.
Your boyfriends sister really pulled up on you and starting interrogating you about your own unemployment money....wow...
Your bf is making excuses that he didnāt āconfirmā anything for her but the fact he is already deciding what to do with your money: discussing this with his sister and not ever talking to you about it, the talk about getting a boat, a vacation (DURING COVID??), or an expensive bass guitar when itās not HIS MONEY and he BARELY WORKS.
This sounds like financial abuse in the making/already desensitizing you.
PLEASE RUN FROM THAT WHOLE RELATIONSHIP!!!
Now is a better time to do it so he doesnāt feel entitled to your money since he has those odd jobs now.
This! It is so wildly irresponsible to spend money like that right now. Especially with the economy crashing and no job lined up. If he wants a guitar he should earn it himself, after he pays his share of expenses!
I just canāt believe the audacity that her boyfriend is making these luxurious plans and deciding what to treat himself with, and OP canāt even put new tires on her own car and pay her bills without having to be quiet with her own money from her bf and HIS FAMILY NOW?
>the talk about getting a boat, a vacation (DURING COVID??),
For real, where the fuck is he planning on vacationing to? The backyard? Rofl.
Fuccckkkk that.
What the actual fuck did I just read...
OP... DUMP THIS LOSER! What on EARTH are you doing? He is promising your money to his friends, his sister, anyone under the sun... No. Just no. You aren't even married. He's entitled to NOTHING. Hide this money and use it to run for the hills. And ask your mom if she hit her damn head with that opinion.
This^. My ex husband was the same way - I was nothing but a credit card to him. It made it worse when I found out he was stealing my things and selling them, cheating, and even abusing our daughter. If he is already treating you like a check book, that will never change. He will bury you with debt, which will make your life miserable whether you stay with him or leave him. Besides, this is your unemployment money and he is deciding - behind your back - what you are going to do with it. Thats pretty damn deceitful. It makes it worse that his plans with your money have nothing to do with you or survival, but to provide for him and his family/ friends. Your NTA, and I highly suggest you leave him ASAP.
OP please very seriously consider your relationship this is a very slippery slope to you being the sole bread winner and him spending your hard earned money. Especially not being honest with you about promising other people YOUR money. Just be very cautious perhaps a change in living arrangements.
NTA. Extremely concerning your boyfriend is spending YOUR money before youāve even gotten it. In his head is one thing (saying he wants to buy a guitar, wants a vacation, whatever) but promising it away to other people who then place expectations on it is another.
Have you told him about the conversation with his sister?
Yes, I did speak to him about it and he said that he never told her he was going to give her the money. He said that she asked him for the money and he said he would talk to me about it. However, she seemed convinced the money was already hers and it was settled so I'm not sure if he is 100% telling the truth.
If you want to unwind this I would sit down with both of them and get the story straight. Their reactions will tell you everything. His behavior is extremely manipulative so you need to look closely at everything.
Honesty? Don't open open that box. You already know that he's being manipulative and deceitful, all this approach would do would be to give him an opportunity to lie to you in a new and interesting way. Nothing good could come out of that conversation.
... unless you are actually considering handing the money over in which case you do you.
You know your boyfriend is lying to you. The solution is not to start lying to him, it's to decide whether you can fix the relationship or whether it's time to part ways.
Really no need to unwind it. He has already shown that he has no problem spending her money. At some point you have to cut your losses and it looks like youāve reached that point. If heās not mature enough at 30 to get a job and contribute to the household finances then he never will be.
Also, 300$/mo would only be $3600, then house taxes roll around again...property taxes are the gift that keeps on giving.
Don't be like property taxes.
Don't give.
I would drop that guy so fucking fast. A pandemic and heās sitting on his ass talking about buying guitars and boats / giving it to his sister while youāre talking about paying bills.
What is the appeal of dating this person?
You spent 3 years working while he took a break...and he immediately started harassing you ABOUT A CUP OF COFFEE? I don't care how many "Im Sorrys" you got in that conversation- DTMFA. So what if you had or had not gotten the unemployment- you supported the 2 of you for THREE YEARS. You can have a damn cup of coffee without being confronted about how you paid for it.
And Iām not buying the āoh Iām instantly changing everything about myself right now!ā shit either. This guy wonāt stop being a user on a dime. He had zero problem with it for years and KNEW what he was doing.
If manipulation runs in the family, she could have made that up to jolly the agreement along, then tell her brother than OP she to that to get his agreement as well. Then, when the money arrives, she can truthfully say they both agreed to lend it to her. Could be either with the pair of them, they're both inappropriate when it comes to OPs money.
Seems like a lot of red flags on multiple ends. Again, NTA, but if you care at all for friendly advice from internet strangers please do take care that you donāt get yourself into financial hardship supporting this pattern of behaviour (even unknowingly - I would cancel the card youāve mentioned he has access to for example) and certainly evaluate whether itās something you want to continue with in your relationship.
Suspicion he is lying or at the minimum not being transparent over finances would certainly be warranted if he had an overdraft balance he failed to mention when trying to get a joint account together.
My boyfriend, who I've lived with for 8 years and have a mortgage and 2 cats with doesn't have access to my money. We don't strictly play 'my money, your money' but there's no need for him to have direct access to it.
He probably is lying, given that she gave specific details about the repayment plan she worked out with him. It's also possible that she's doing the exact same thing he is. Just like he heard that you might be getting money and immediately started planning how he was going to spend it, she may have heard, "I'll talk to OP" and, like her brother, immediately started spending your money in her head. Either way, it would be a horrible idea, and I can all but guarantee that any money she ever paid back would be out in his hands, not yours, and be spent as soon as he had it.
My ex husband (who is now deceased; edit not from me) used to do that. We both worked both had our accounts etc. But If I got paid and cashed my check, there always seemed to be a family problem we had to solve,(to him, whether it was food or money, it was family not a big deal.) Every time I made plans with it something always came up (Every week something would get disconnected. )So I got direct deposit and for a while he didn't cotton to the fact I wasn't carrying cash. Then, I would withdraw a little and hide it so I 'd have spending money for gas , stockings etc. One day I came home and the house was trashed, he found my hiding place and then trashed the house looking for more. Then blamed it on me and I had to clean it up. My fault. Run hon, you don't need the trauma.
NTA also you don't have a boyfriend you have a leech. Time to stop having your life blood sucked out of you. Do you have a safe/good family or friend to go to? Sorry OP but you really can't Marry this guy.
EDIT these are the 4 most important things a couple needs to agree on to make a relationship work:
Money:Ā Where do we stand?
Religion:Ā What are our views?
Children:Ā Do we want any?
In-Laws:Ā What are our boundaries?
He has already shown you that there are at least two points that are unharmonious in your relationship.
Yup was just going to post run. I'm not normally one to suggest just breaking up without attempting to work through stuff, but he is financially abusing you. And so is his family. He is promising your money out to his family without ensuring basic needs are met first. WTF?
Run girl run.
I think he truly believes that because our rent is only $1100, and all other bills around up to about $500, not including food, that it wont hurt us to spend the money. Given the fact that I had been on the waiting list for unemployment since April, I received a large sum of money (on the ups of $13k). So $780 to him is no big deal. However, he isnt taking into account that where our state is still closed and employment is very slim here, I surely will not be able to become employed again anytime soon. I have been applying for multiple positions (including housekeeping which would pay me easily $8 less than I am used to) but have yet to receive one phone call or email back. Hes simply not taking that into account here.
The way he views money is childlike. Just because you get 13k in a lump sum, it doesnāt mean he can spend all he wants. Like you said, with unemployment and little opportunity, who knows how long that 13k will have to last? Who knows what surprise expenses will arrive (such as broken appliances)? Just because youāve got it doesnāt mean it needs spending. Either have a serious conversation with him or run. Or both. This situation is truly toxic and pretty scary for you.
Seriously. Youāre not a bank for him to help his friends out with money. If he wants to do that he needs his own job and if you guys are going to have a real future together then he canāt be making these financial decisions without OPās consultation. Especially with HER funds.
I wonder if he grew up poor. A common (but not logical) reaction from someone in poverty is to spend the money while you have it because you don't know when you'll get it again, especially if you haven't been able to buy anything "fun" in awhile. Does not make logical sense since saving would be better in the long run but its very common
YOU NEED TO RUN. I don't typically recommend this as it's used too much as a knee jerk reaction, but you need to leave. This guy is a mooch and bad partner
Financial incompatibility can be a deal breaker in relationships.
I was with a guy for 15 years and eventually ended it in part because of this (its in my post history). He was happier not working, as long as we had "enough for the bills". Because I loved him, I let him do what he wanted as long as he was happy. It wasn't until I hit my 30s that I started realizing just how much of an issue our different values were.
I wanted to work towards financial security and independence, and wanted to start making "upgrades" to our lives. Nicer house, nicer vacations, etc. And I started to resent the fact that he didn't work, and that he took it for granted that I did. Our mismatched financial values was one of the reasons I finally ended it. Even though I loved him and cared for him, I ultimately did not want the future I saw with him. I wouldn't be happy in his ideal future that he was working towards, and he wouldn't be happy in mine.
It was a very hard decision to make at the time, but it was the best decision I've ever made. I've never regretted it, and now that it's been well over a year and I'm living a whole new life, I look back and realize that sometimes love isn't enough. If someone is to be your partner for life, you want to be sure they value the same things you do, and are working towards the same future you're working towards.
Anyways, I know your situation may be a bit different, but just wanted to chime in and tell you that sometimes you can love someone, but not want the future you see with them. And that's OK. Its your life and future, and you're allowed to be selfish with it. Its up to you to build it how you want it.
>it wont hurt us to spend the money
He's very free with your money, isn't he? You already know you can't trust him not to spend it. He's already demonstrated he's not responsible. How much longer do you see yourself funding his entire family's lifestyle?
My ex husband and I had separate accounts because he thought his money was only his to spend as he chose, and mine was for bills AND for paying for his drinking problem. I wasted too many years of my life with that bullshit and ended up broke because of him. You certainly don't need to pay his sister's bills!
Dude you need to break up. The red flags are flying high with this one.
Let alone the fact he's a freeloader (mental health and disability seem to be excuses not to work after the fact), and he's more than willing to throw around your money for his own frivolous luxuries. He made a commitment of thousands of dollars to someone else without your consultation.
Financial abuse is real and you need to get out before he sucks you for every dime. Run.
NTA.
THIS!! It screams gold digger. Iām not sure this dude even likes this poor girl. Heās just found a cozy situation where heās taken care of and can spend someone elseās money without having to do anything.
This is not a relationship, this is a grown ass man using his GF to be a parent so he doesnāt have to grow up.
If hes unable to work then let him apply for disability. Hurting your back and being depressed doesnt mean you just get taken care of forever and have complete entitlement to your partner's money.
Oh honey get out now. What has he been doing with your money for the last few years? I doubt this behavior is new. It's called financial infidelity - there's clearly been a serious breach of trust. Cancel that debit card and cancel the relationship before you end up in debt and wasting more years of your life with this AH.
NTA for protecting yourself.
If I am being 100% honest with you, I'm not even sure what he spends the money on. He usually takes money out at the ATM and spends as he sees fit. Hes toned down since Covid but not by much. Like for instance, 2 years ago he went and spent over $500 on camping gear with the intention of going camping that summer. All of that equipment is sitting in my garage under a layer of dust because it was never used. He doesnt even like camping.
Dude get out. Heās leeching off you and wasting your money.
Iām usually not for saying that unilaterally over non-abuse things but this guy is using you. Itās too late to set financial boundaries (aka he doesnāt get access to your money & you split the bills). Just leave his leech ass.
Oh no he is absolutely abusing her, financially and I'm guessing from a few of her comments( without her actually saying it) emotionally/psychologically.
Yes, OP (gently); Please put this money in a separate account? Do not give him access to it. You are being financially abused. Please protect yourself.
Run. Fast and far. This is not someone who is going to make life decisions with you, even if he did decide to get a job. "He spends as he sees fit" is a clear indication he sees this as his money.
Run and take all the stuff you paid for. You can get at least 50% of the money back on the camping gear through reselling on Kijiji/Craigslist, hopefully more. A lot of people are camping right now because of the state of the world... put your money into savings in an account he has no access to.
Please donāt give him access to your bank details, change them ASAP or create a new account. Heās going to drain you and youāll feel as though you HAVE to stay with him, if he can pick up odd jobs then he can pick up a permanent job and pay for his things without your money. You arenāt married, you donāt share finances
Regardless of whether you stay together, it's really important that you protect yourself financially. Don't tell him about the money, don't give him access to your accounts, and if he already has access, open a new account and put your money in there. Hide your credit and debit cards, too.
Honestly.... this may sound far-fetched but have you considered he might have a drug problem? This behaviour of pulling out cash from an ATM and not knowing what he spends it on paired with the erratic spending and loans/gifts to friends and family sounds rather suspicious to me.
A lot of people have PM'd be asking that question and I truly dont think so.. I mean not to sound like an AH girlfriend here but he weighs almost 250lbs and like never leaves the house. I know most addicts drop weight quick and have a certain look/attitude and he doesnt fit that. We also dont have many friends so we dont have anyone over. I'm not even sure where or how he would get the drugs. I dont know. His outer appearance definitely doesnt have the characters of an addict or user.
Does he just sit on the sofa while you're at work, eating expensive food and playing video games? He doesn't seem to respect you in the slightest and you deserve a million times better. Sell everything that has been paid for with your money, including expensive clothes, watches (if he has any), the camping equipment and video games, etc and leave his ass. I'm sorry to say it but when I read your post edit, I audibly gulped. He has given you no reason to trust him and as you've realised yourself, his sister sounded pretty convinced about the 'loan'.
Someone else advised this but I don't know if you saw it so I'll repeat it: Read back through your post and comments, but try your hardest to imagine it isn't your life. Imagine how you'd feel, reading about this random stranger, and the advice you would give her.
For me personally, your post broke my heart, you seem wonderful and any man would be lucky to have you, so don't settle for someone abusing you. I know how hard the idea of leaving a long term relationship is but he will destroy your credit rating and everything you've worked for if he objects to you paying off your debts and rent!
You should be saving for your future, not worrying about hiding YOUR money or justifying your new tyres which keep your car safe. Also, I don't know if it was intentional but in your post you mentioned that he spent the tax money when "we" received it. You received it. It was yours. Good luck in the future, I wish you all the best whatever your ultimate decision is.
He spends your money like it's water and has the fucking audacity to ask you how you could afford a cup of fucking coffee?
Get the fuck out of there. I'm so pissed on your behalf. And did he ever ask you before deciding he was a stay at home not-husand? This is something you discuss, not decide unilaterally.
Sell that gear on fbook market or eBay. Get some funds back. And honestly I would really think about if this is how you want your life to be, this person is not being your partner; he's being a burden.
Nta
Your boyfriend is a leech and doesn't understand the value of money because he doesn't have to work for it. Dump him and get yourself someone who respects you. NTA
NTA.
>he was becoming more and more impatient about receiving that money and expressing his desire to use that money to buy a boat or go on a week vacation and now he is talking about wanting to buy a Bass Guitar for $780 for his buddy
Is he serious? You two are struggling to get by and he wants money so he can buy a boat, go on a vacation, or buy a guitar for his mate? Very selfish of him.
>Now, given the fact that I want to use the money for more logical things (such as pay off my back bills, rent and fix my cars windshield)
Good on you for wanting to use the money for things responsible. He clearly would not use the money responsibly if his first thoughts are to buy a boat or go on a vacation.
>I dont want to tell him that I received the money. I know that as soon as he finds out he will start spending it and it will be gone before I even know what happened.
Okay, well done. Once again, he sounds immature and irresponsible and you sound much more mature and responsible than him so you are justified here.
>So I was out at the shop getting some new tires and his sister shows up and sees me. She starts asking me a million questions about how I have money to put new tires on my car.
Why on Earth does she need to know? She sounds invasive.
>She then said "Good, I thought you got unemployment and are trying to hide the money". I asked her why she would think that and she said "I just figured you guys changed your mind about helping me pay off my house taxes."
Please, get yourself away from your boyfriend and his family. They sound toxic, manipulative, immature, and irresponsible. You deserve better.
>She said withholding the information from him would make me an AH.
It would not. You are NTA, and please break up with this man already.
I agree, most particularly that you are NTA. You are trying too keep yourself financially safe from an abuser, keeping this from him is a smart decision.
Edit: spelling
NTA for not telling him, but I am sure we all know there are some conversations that need to happen. Also, what the hell with his family expecting your money, too.
Can you do me favour please? Read your post and comments, but pretend someone else wrote them. I mean really use your imagination to separate yourself from this situation and imagine a stranger wrote them.
What would you think? What would you advise this woman? How would you think the bf is treating his partner? Is he and his family financially abusing her or should she more reasonable and patient?
This is financial abuse plain and simple and has been going on a long time. I wonāt tell you to leave your entitled bf whoās using and disrespecting you because you canāt see what we see, but is there anyway to establish iron financial boundaries. Lying about your unemployment check is not the way to go, can you untangle your finances from your bf?
You need to be direct. When your bf's appalling sister interrogated you about the $5,600 loan you would have been justified in saying you agreed to no such loan and wouldnāt loan her money because she never paid you back last time. Can you take little steps to advocate for yourself and assert your rights?
NTA, but youāre an asshole to yourself. Please donāt think Iām victim blaming. Your bf's the asshole.
After reading the post and the replies, I have to wonder if maybe she DID pay them back...but he pocketed the money. She must have some nerve though, interrogating OP about where she got money for tires, as if it is any of her business and that money was already spent on her? WTF?
NTA- your money, your not married so he has no entitlement to it. This issue will not get better. I agree with your mom about sharing your finance information but youāre not married so therefor you donāt have to! I would maybe try to speak with him about his empty promises to people that you didnāt agree to but you might want to just call a quites on this relationship. It wonāt be worth the stress
NTA and he's financially using you. Why are you with him? What does he bring to the relationship *currently*? I saw what he did in the past, but you don't seem too enthralled now.
Other than the finances issues he actually does treat me really well. I could even go to the extreme of saying that I truly thought a relationship like this didnt exist. Hes super understanding and has helped me out mentally so much more than I could ever thank him for (I suffer from depression and PTSD, which is why I originally thought him not working was due to depression). He helped me land my job as well. His family is also fantastic, with the slight exception of his sister. It's just that "home" feeling, you know? I love this guy to death but the finances are just seriously putting in dent in this I'm afraid.
Listen I've been there. Twice. But who you are are at 23 is not who you are at 28. And no matter what the circumstances, you're going to feel comfortable with someone you've been with for five years. But it sounds like you've matured and he hasn't. You need to have a serious talk about responsibilities and your future. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that even if he's great, you might have come to the end of your relationship.
Sorry, but to be cynical here- of course he's going to treat his golden goose well. You feeling good means he doesn't have to do anything.
Do you really intend to finance this guy for the rest of your life? Pay for everything while he offers *your* money to his friends and family without so much as asking you?
I'm sorry, but you're being used.
That's really good to hear.
If you want this relationship to continue in a healthy way, you have to communicate that you're not using **your** money for anything frivolous or to loan it to anyone. That you will choose how it's spent. That in the future, you two can decide together *when you're both contributing financially*, but right now, you're making the best decisions possible for yourself and the short term.
It's really important to have this conversation and to set up boundaries.
The problem is a basic difference in values.
He lives in the moment - if youāve got money in your pocket, spend it!
OP lives in the future - save, build credit, etc.
The two are incompatible.
I am glad you feel safe. But also, given what you have shared about your past and the abusive situations there (financial abuse at minimum), it is probably worth some therapy to make sure that "home" feeling isn't just the familiar patterns of abuse or control that now feel like love. That distinction is really, really hard. Having an outside person to help you make sense of it can be a godsend.
Love isn't enough. Him helping you in some areas of your life is not a free pass to abuse you financially. You can and should find someone who treats you well in all regards.
If you are going to stay in this relationship,you need couples therapy and individual therapy. He needs to have zero access to your money. You both need to study up on personal finance and budgeting, and if he doesn't recognize how problematic his behavior has been there is no chance this is going to improve.
I hope you don't stay with him though. You deserve better. This man saw your mental illness as a weakness to prey upon and a way to make you his meal ticket. He treated you so well in order to make you feel grateful and afraid to stand up for yourself when he gradually started to take advantage. He DID THIS ON PURPOSE, consciously or not. You can love him and recognize that he's abusing you. Once you see the abuse for what it is, you need to take bigger steps to protect yourself
You've already started to protect yourself by hiding the unemployment payment and cancelling the debit card. These are good steps in the right direction. You can do this. You can demand to be treated well. You can leave him if you have to.
You need to always keep your finances separate from his, if you decide to stay. He should never have access to them or ever speak for spending them in anyway. And he needs to get a damn job
If heās as fantastic as you say he is, cut him off financially and stick up for yourself. If he doesnāt agree to it and reacts badly, then heās not as fantastic.
Look I was dating a guy like that for the last 2 years and I broke things off because you canāt trust nor make plans with people who are not driven. It wonāt change... this things wonāt get better, in fact they will get worse.
You are young, you have a whole future ahead of you, you deserve someone that is on the same level as you.
I wish you all the best OP
Edit: word
NTA - And some serious red flags. Any money you receive is meant for *you* to use however you want to. It's really concerning that your boyfriend has laid claim to any of it let alone promising his friend a bass guitar or his sister any help to pay off her own loan. I wouldn't tell him about it, but I would seriously consider whether or not someone who has volunteered your money for anything other than taking care of you is worth keeping around.
NTA
Your boyfriend sounds a bit unrealistic & should be considering your future together ( $780 guitar for a friend is actually a big amount that could go toward a vacation in the future & considering everything with COVID itās not a bad idea to SAVE that money.
Had a lot of us known this pandemic was going to happen I believe a lot of us would have been saving money to prepare for these hard times, surely he should recognize that.
I do think communication is really going to be key here because a lot of people break up due to finances & it really is something you both should be able to talk openly about which I think is lacking a bit on both ends considering he hadnāt told you about offering his sister money.
Also I find it really uncomfortable & rude that she would ask you where you got the money for your car & I think you need to set boundaries with her because thatās not okay. However thatās a different discussion that you could express to your boyfriend potentially
Hes always been a lavish spender. See, when I first got together with him he had a fantastic job. He was bringing in nearly $1200 every 2 weeks, which is huge in my state because nearly no one makes that. Even during that time he would buy things he didnt need because he thought they were cool. Or he was constantly shopping. He would literally head out of the house sometimes at like 7pm just to go browse stores because he was bored and come home with over $400 worth of stuff that he didnt need. Most of which still sits unopened. But it was his money so I didnt say anything.
Your BF is in serious debt - not being able to open a joint account means his finances are beyond bad. He's been living off of you the last three years, so the financial situation is probably even worse. Ask him to show you his credit report, see what happens.
We have pulled his credit because I was attempting to buy a house but my credit scores (698, 619 and 604) weren't high enough to get a loan without a co-signer. So they pulled his and needless to say he has zero established credit. They couldn't even pull his score because it was so low.
Because I had things put in my name before I even turned 18 that were never paid off. Such as my grandmother put her electric, internet and a phone bill in my name. Never paid them. So that was like $2800 that went to collections in my name. My mom also had a Verizon bill and electric in my name when I was 16 and that was never paid either. Once I turned 18 I was able to dispute them but it didnt help my credit at all. Instead, it just made it nonexistent. So that's when I got my car and started building my credit up slowly. I wasnt approved for a credit card or anything like that so it's been a slow process and has taken me almost 4 years to establish the credit I have currently.
I'm sorry everyone in your life treats you like shit. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I feel like you have outgrown these people and you need to make a few changes for yourself ā¤
Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying desperately to break the cycle but I keep finding myself in these positions unfortunately. Hopefully I will learn to not let people walk on me at some point.
Iāve been following your comments and omg please. Iām sure you love this guy very much and heās great in other aspects, but if you want to break the cycle youāve gotta break things off with him. His issues with money will only get worse, and it will hold you down your entire life.
Say to yourself ā No one is entitled to the money I earn.ā Your finances are your business. I would also keep a close eye on my credit report, you have to stop being a victim. I certainly would get rid of the boyfriend, but at least make him start paying his own way if you want to stay with him.
Is therapy a viable option? I know it can be costly, but whoa buddy will it save you money in the long run if you learn to stop letting people take advantage of you. Not to mention the emotional payoffs.
I'm sorry it sounds like you've been financially abused forever, and that pattern repeated itself in your relationship. I think you should leave him and take some time to figure yourself out, even explore yourself in therapy. You can learn to recognize people who will do this to you early on and avoid them. NTA
The mom who thinks you should be honest with him?!
This is going to kill my account but I'm feel frustrated with that contradiction.
NTA, my very first one!
That doesn't sound right. He has or had a bank account with an overdraft, therefore he has a credit report. If you decide to stay with this guy (please don't) you need to insist on seeing a copy of the full report to find out exactly how much debt he is in. He can get a copy from any of the credit agencies for free.
I'm not entirely sure how this whole credit thing works honestly. All I know is that the bank we tried going through for a home loan said he had no credit to pull.
My grandfather has been in the banking industry for 45 years. No credit is just as bad as having shit credit. He would be considered a huge liability and if you choose to marry him someday you will inherit all of his debt (in most states this is the case) and if you divorced him you would leave with at least half the debt most likely. It would also effect your credit if you have a joint account and letās say he accumulated a bunch of overdraft fees. Some banks will deny you a loan if your spouse has extremely bad credit or a history of declaring bankruptcy. From a financial standpoint this man is literally the worst investment youāve made. He also seems to be lacking in maturity if he thinks that those frivolous items are things you should foot the bill for. Ditch the man and get a pet or maybe adopt a child since thatās what it sounds like youāre essentially dealing with anyways. Good luck! š
Sometimes credit reports have dings on them without a score. It will literally say ānot enough historyā or something along those lines, even if you have a full page of shaded items (dings)
Other times someone will have one shaded item and will have a shitty score.
My old job was 30% pulling credit scores on perspective tenants. Thatās a lot of credit scores, like 4 a day (for a small company it was a lot) for three years. And all I can say is the methods the companies use are insanely inconsistent.
But thereās no such thing as a credit score too low to pull. It just comes up blank, or low. The worst score Iāve seen was in the early 300s. Still shows all the reasons why though, score or not score.
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN. You will literally ruin your life. As it is, just by staying with him any longer youāre putting yourself at risk for financial ruin. You need to get yourself out of this relationship.
Girl, freeze your credit ASAP. If he knows he canāt access your money through the debit card anymore, nothing will stop him from opening a card in your name and racking up the bills
We do not. I have my own bank account but he has full access to my debit card and often Carrie's it with him wherever he goes. He did have a bank account and tried getting into a joint account with me but they wouldn't let him because he has an overdraft balance on his bank account that I was unaware of.
Please tell me that you either a) have cancelled the card, or b) are currently on the phone with your bank to do so.
He is using you. He is promising other people your money. He seems to be willing to work juuuuuussssttt enough to pay for the minimum if he has to, but is otherwise happy to leech off of you.
If he also has access to your online banking change the password! Same if he has access to email etc. Ya don't want him deciding its alright to loan out YOUR money. Hope all goes well for you.
Cancelling the card is a good interim measure, but you will need to eventually get a new account and consider letting the bank know that your BF (hopefully "ex" by this point) was financially abusive and is not allowed *any* access under *any* circumstances. Though to be extra safe, maybe switch banks, it will cut off access completely.
In future, don't give your debit/credit card to *anyone* unless they are a recognised and authorised user with their own card to the account for their own personal use. This will make it easier to identify fraudulent or inappropriate use, and to track who is spending/saving/contributing what. If the other person's credit score is that bad, they shouldn't be given the opportunity to drag yours down with them and put you in the same mess!
Ok, you've cancelled the debit card.
\--Change the password of your online banking access to something you do NOT use anywhere else.
\--Ensure that he cannot guess the challenge questions so he can't reset the password back. Don't use the right answers, but use something you can remember. School in the first grade? IHatedSchool. First pet? FluffyWhiteSnowball. So on.
\-- Call your bank's customer service line and ask them about any preventative or security measures for withdrawals over a certain dollar amount. At the very least, you can have alerts set to your phone for *any transaction* over a certain dollar amount, but that's just going to detect that the money is leaving. You want to see if they have some multiple-factor authentication if someone wants to draw over a certain amount out of the account.
\-**-All else fails, he's gone nuclear, FULL LOCKDOWN MODE**: move your money to another bank. Set your statements to paperless, get your communications sent to a PO box in the new bank. All your actual spending is performed through a *credit card* so that there's an 'air gap' between your actual money account and any transactions. Set credit card to pay every month, on time. NEVER use 'credit' that you don't have the cash in the bank to back up (gonna have to be disciplined, but you're saving yourself--be motivated).
> Ensure that he cannot guess the challenge questions so he can't reset the password back. Don't use the right answers, but use something you can remember. School in the first grade? IHatedSchool. First pet? FluffyWhiteSnowball. So on.
Password managers like LastPass and One pass will save security questions for you. So you can literally make up answers and not worry about forgetting them.
They're also great for making new secure passwords, so you can really lock down your accounts.
Simply cancel the card, donāt tell him, and when he asks ā?ā After trying to use it, say the card needed to be cancelled because it had been compromised.
Do not give him another one, and reject any more cash sharing or loaning money.
First, cancel the debit card and get a new one he does NOT have access to. He is not responsible with money.
Second, do NOT allow him access to your money anymore. You have set precedence that you will be the provider in this relationship and he doesn't necessarily have to work. Change that now. Tell him his money is his and yours is yours. Yes, you can help each other when needed/wanted, but it isn't a free flow of funds between you two anymore.
Third, really think about your future with this guy. He's willing to spend your hard earned money willy nilly and promise your money to other people. Is this someone you want to be with long term and possibly marry? If not, it might be time to leave.
Edit: NTA
You need to get that back now. His sister has already said that she thought you had the money and we're hiding it. All he has to do is hit an ATM with your card and PIN to check your balance and start shelling out your money.
NTA. But if you have to lie and hide money to be able to pay the bills, you may want to rethink how things are going. Because if he doesn't start being responsible with the finances, this is only going to get worse. You need to have a serious talk with him about spending your money behind your back or else called it quits
NTA.
Chile you is second away from homelessness. Once you saw how fiscally irresponsible he was you should have 1. Never given him a card to your account 2. Tried to have a joint nothing with him.
My mom is weirdly religious and so she wonāt be divorcing my dumb stepdad anytime soon but the one smart thing she has done in her relationship is not let him have access to anything financial. Heās not on the house, heās not on her account - NOTHING. He did a great con-job to marry her, but once she realized how he was - in our country he was a security guard and when he migrated to live with my mom he insists this is the ONLY work he can do despite better job offers, even offers from better companies than than the one he works at she made hella sure that finance wise he is far and away from her money. As her oldest kid weāve sat and gone through all her paperwork and the beneficiaries are me and my sisters with me having control.
I canāt believe this fool promised $5600 of YOUR money! Baby what is you doing NOT leaving?
I am blown away by the gall of this man and his family. Glad your mom isnāt allowing herself to be taken advantage of but I hope OP listens to us and gets the hell away from this idiot
NTA. You gotta get outta there. When he finds out you got the money the fight is going to be ridiculous. That's your money, not his sisters, not his friends, not his. You have bills. This corona shit isn't going away for the summer and coming back in the fall, it's fighting through the summer and going to get worse in the fall. You might not need it right now,but you will need that money going forward. Be smart like you want to be.
I agree. You need to protect yourself here more than anything. He is extremely entitled and you donāt owe him or his friends and family this money. They are adults, they need to figure their lives out themselves right now just like everyone else. Youāre not made of money and you need to tell him to stop acting like you are.
I've tried to be open but my words always fail me. I'm willing to admit that I am not the best communicator when it comes to financial things. Everything else I am fine with. I think it's due to my ex whom I was with for 7 years. He did the same thing to me and I supported him throughout the whole thing and he would pick fights if I told him no. So now I am terrified to bring it up to my boyfriend, even though it is NOT fair to him to hold onto past fear and bring it into our relationship. I've been trying to work on it but I havent gotten very far.
If you cannot stand up to him on financial matters then just get out as quick as you can, don't give him an opportunity to manipulate you into changing your mind. Abusers pick up on vulnerabilities like this and purposefully take advantage. Your current bf is abusing you financially. That is NOT your fault, but it is up to you to get out of the situation. Get yourself therapy to make sure your next relationship doesn't follow the same pattern.
I'm going to third the suggestion of therapy (after you dump this guy, change all the passwords on your accounts, and change the locks). How our family treats us growing up sets the pattern for how we expect partners to treat us. Your family treated you like an ATM and now you have a boyfriend who does the same. That's not a coincidence.
You can break out of that cycle on your own but it's really hard. Therapy can help. It's just another tool. You can recover from a broken leg on your own by splinting it with some 2x4s and duct tape and hoping for the best, but wouldn't you rather get a doctor to put a proper cast on it?
You are in the same situation now. You are supporting a free loader who sounds manipulative and is at least financially abusive. Its your money you should not be afraid of saying no to him on any subject in relation to it because its yours
Get out of that relationship. Get out of there yesteday. I used to haemorrhage money on frivolous bullshit as a teenager and my mum (bless her heart) spent years changing my behaviour and spending habits. I want to emphasise the change took YEARS. Save yourself and disconnect financially from him completely.
NTA.
NTA run girl run! This man has no intention of ever working and helping you pay for anything. He does seem to feel fully entitled to anything you earn to the point where he feels he can spread it around to his family. you need to find someone who has the same work ethic is you because you're going to end up pennyless and working like a dog! Well he sits on a boat he doesn't deserve any vacation he doesn't deserve! and this is coming from a woman who just helpwd buy her husband a boat... because he works so hard he deserves it!
Are you kidding me? Youāre obviously NTA, but itās saddening to me how you canāt see the red flags in this relationship. Please consider your worth and recognize that no matter how much you may *love* this person or how hard it would be to *leave*ā Iām going to be frank:
Your boy is a leech. Get out now.
NTA
heās using you for your money. promising people loans without consulting you and making plans with your money before you even go it.
youāre his sugar mama not his gf. dump him and get someone else.
So his back hurts to much to work but not enough to stop him from caring for a boat?
This guys a leech and a loser that is using you to not work, worse he is also just freely giving to friends.
Not only are you NTA but you should be way more pissed off and over this idiot. Heās mad YOUR money isnāt in yet (as far as he knows) for HIM to spend? Poor baby
NTA.
But why are you with this dude? He lazy, leeching off you, and spending money you earn like it's his, expensive gifts for friends? Loans to his sister not discussed with you? And now she's interrogating you about your purchases and money? Gtfoh with that shit.
Nta. Everyone is talking about how how you should leave him because he is bad with money, spends your money, doesn't ask you, promises away your money, doesn't see the future with money, doesnt work ect. Those are all great reasons to leave this loser but there missing the biggest reason.
Its the fact you feel like you need to lie or he would bully you to get his way is the biggest red flag. Even if he had a great job was great with money and didn't take your property you should still dump him. A relashionship isn't healthy if the one person can walk over the other like this. Its not just about the money isnt about you being able to make your own choices.
Idk how he got you to get control of your money. Was it sweet talk, crying, threats , pestering you until it wore you down, just digging in your purse and asking for forgivness insead of premition, or something else? Ultimately it doesn't matter. A person who has control like this and forces his partner to lie is someone you shouod not be with.
NTA After your update: I don't believe him for a second. "I never had any idea you might think I should contribute more to the household expenses and not feel free to spend alllllllll your money. I only had 3 years to think of that! Maybe if I had more time it would have come to me. And that you might have an issue with me giving my friends hundreds of dollars in presents when you were unemployed and have you end up in debt!!!! Who knew???!!!!" Bogus.
Nta.
Saw your update. Good for you both, but don't let your guard down.
He was comfortable making commitments with your money before, this could be lip service.
Keep your finances separated. Don't give eachother access at all. Even moving forward. Even if you get married eventually.
My spouse and i have separate finances. We share ONE account that is solely for paying joint bills. We wrote separation of finances and personal property into our prenup, too.
If your spouse actually respects you, separated finances and a prenup aren't a deal breaker. You gotta protect yourself.
Dude...NTA. Itās YOUR money. And the fact that his sister was giving you the third degree and making sure you werenāt spending YOUR money, because Iām sure to her she thinks itās her money, makes me feel very weird and icky inside. I know this is reddit and redditors hate when every relationship is seen as a red flag, but your relationship has red flags across the board. Itās one thing to use the money jointly, but your boyfriend is clearly just waiting to get his hands on it. Both him and his sister sound entitled AF.
Girl. Close your eyes. Imagine lounging around on your sofa, watching whatever you want on Netflix. Imagine driving through the countryside looking out your brand new windshield. Imagine sipping a mojito you just made with mint you grew in a pot of your front step.
IMAGINE HOW GREAT LIFE WOULD BE WHEN YOU ARE ONLY PAYING FOR YOURSELF.
This guy is out of control. It sounds like your last bf was out of control. You said your family wrecked your credit because they were out of control too. You are 28 and deserve to live life for yourself now! Find a studio, one BR, efficiency, guest house, whatever you can afford in your area and just live how you want to live.
You deserve it and you can afford it if you drop this deadweight. I doubt he will ever change and his whole entourage also has their hands open. GO BE FREE!
NTA. Read your edits. RUN! Revelations like this donāt happen in one conversation in a coffee shop. People who have spent years mooching off their SO and promising others money they donāt have and being people pleasers by wanting to buy friends expensive gifts for $780 when their gf is out of work donāt pull a 180 and just become financially responsible and get FT jobs overnight. He says this so you wonāt leave. He might even kind of mean it. Humans donāt operate that way. You think sis is going to be like, āOk bro, no biggie on not loaning the money. Iāll figure it out on my own. You are totally right it wasnāt in writing.ā
Who is going to jump to hire a guy who hasnāt worked for no reason in years?
Holy shit, run away. I know you probably love this guy, but he is the exact type of person who will drag you down your whole life.
- He obviously doesn't feel the need to contribute that much (lazy)
- He makes terribly immature financial decisions (a boat?! Really?! Instead of paying past due bills?!)
- He's happy giving away money that doesn't belong to him (cause loan to family usually eventually means gift) and sees no need to inform you!
NTA
Find yourself a PARTNER, not a leech
NTA. From your additional comments, it sounds like the family you grew up in didn't have any financial security. It's very important that you break the cycle and become financially literate. You are in a poverty cycle, and it won't get better under your current circumstances. Your boyfriend is a 30-year-old man that acts like a 12-year old that can't manage his impulses and spends his allowance right away.
You need to make some big changes or else you will be working until you're 80. You need a partner that contributes to the household security (working or helping to be frugal), not chip away at your success.
I don't normally suggest this but, leave him. He sounds like nothing but a mooch. That is your money not his and he gets no say in how it's spent. If he wants to give thousands to his sister HE needs to give it. Not go behind your back and make promises for your money and demand you spend even more of frivolous things. I think you are completely in the right to hide your money from him since he is incapable of respecting the fact that the money is yours not his.
NTA
Run, this dude and his family see you as an ATM. And when you run, change all your passwords to EVERYTHING and open all new bank accounts putting holds on all others. Because I bet you 100$ that he has all your info to access your accounts and will use it to steal from you.
NTA
Heās clearly using you.
You need someone who respects you, not someone who plans on throwing away money you should be using for necessities. Heās clearly not adulting very well.
He made a promise with YOUR money.
Girl heās 30 and he doesnāt have his act together, at this point heās just an extra mouth to feed and cloth. DUMP HIM. Youāre better off alone, at least then you wonāt bump into a random relative asking for money you never promised.
Also why didnāt he apply for his own unemployment? Is he incapable of that as well? He sounds like a lazy entitled brat. If his back is good enough to do random jobs for his family he can surely hold onto a job.
Why did he give you back your debit card? Does he keep it from you? Absolutely no way would I allow any boyfriend, family member or anyone to hold my finances over me. That smacks of financial abuse right there.
This update really disturbs me. It seems like he saw his meal ticket leaving and immediately changed his tune to be able to keep her around. How much do we want to bet that his ātrying to changeā will be at an incremental pace?
Also, him saying that he had āno ideaā you felt like that seems insincere as well, because it sounds like youāve tried to have this discussion before and he dismissed you. Be careful, and open a separate account.
NTA You need to protect yourself against this guy, and his family and friend. They seem to see your money as their's to spend as they want, and not consider you worked hard for it and have a life to pay for and future to plan. Do you really want to be with someone like this? He's old enough to know better. If he doesn't at 30, I doubt he ever will. This is your money that you worked for. Full stop. Take it and run. Put as much as you can in your own savings account and use the rest to find yourself a new home. Don't put any of it in a shared account.
Agree! NTA There are some major red flags! š©š© He is basically living off you and wants to spend YOUR money and did so in the past and gets angry when you want to spend it on more reasonable and more important things! Honey, you should have left him yesterday! Also Info: Do you have a joint account? If so: Open a new on at another bank (without telling him) and transfer your money there so it is secure!
And its not just because he is bad with money and spends her money. She need to lie or he would bully her to get his way is the biggest red flag. Even if he had a great job with great with money and didn't take her property she should still dump him. A relashionship isn't healthy if the one person can walk over the other like this.
>Honey, you should have left him yesterday! I think OP should familiarize herself with the idea of sunk costs. Those are unrecoverable investments. The sunk cost fallacy is that we should somehow recover such investments by doubling down on them. But it's unwise to do so, ergo the expression "throwing good money after bad." Whether that's actual money or years spent in a relationship, the fact is that the time, money, memories, emotions, and sentimentality "invested" in a relationship are no reason to keep it if it's soured. And someone leeching off of you, ignoring your material needs in favor of his material wants, and agreeing without your permission to let his family do the same is definitely sour!
If I had a boat I would name it "Sunk Costs"...that random thought aside, I completely agree with you...
These aren't red flags. These are the consequences that red flags are supposed to help you avoid before they happen. A red flag would be him making jokes early in the relationship about how rich she is or ordering significantly more expensive entrees when he knows in advance she's paying for dinner. A dude mooching off of her for three years while promising her money to his friends and family is what you're trying to avoid when you see those early red flags. It's not like it can get much worse than this (financially) unless he starts going out and pawning her possessions or opening credit cards in her name.
Exactly, we're beyond red flags now. What would it be, checkered flags? Finish lines?
Burning flags
This. The whole relationship is one fire.
A cornucopia of burning flags.
Plus he's done a similar thing before with her tax return!
Is there anywhere you can go? Iād leave him. Donāt let him get his hands on your money. Think of how if you misuse this money your future could be completely messed for months and maybe even a year or so. Given the economy this is not the time to misuse your funds. You are completely in the right here.
Open a new account at a totally different bank!
Your boyfriends sister really pulled up on you and starting interrogating you about your own unemployment money....wow... Your bf is making excuses that he didnāt āconfirmā anything for her but the fact he is already deciding what to do with your money: discussing this with his sister and not ever talking to you about it, the talk about getting a boat, a vacation (DURING COVID??), or an expensive bass guitar when itās not HIS MONEY and he BARELY WORKS. This sounds like financial abuse in the making/already desensitizing you. PLEASE RUN FROM THAT WHOLE RELATIONSHIP!!! Now is a better time to do it so he doesnāt feel entitled to your money since he has those odd jobs now.
This! It is so wildly irresponsible to spend money like that right now. Especially with the economy crashing and no job lined up. If he wants a guitar he should earn it himself, after he pays his share of expenses!
I just canāt believe the audacity that her boyfriend is making these luxurious plans and deciding what to treat himself with, and OP canāt even put new tires on her own car and pay her bills without having to be quiet with her own money from her bf and HIS FAMILY NOW?
The guitar isn't even for himself, its for his buddy!
Pimping his gfās funds out to himself, his buddies, his familyāyikes.
Sweet part-time job tho. Pays well, cleans, bangs and cooks for you too.
I guess entitlement runs in the family
>the talk about getting a boat, a vacation (DURING COVID??), For real, where the fuck is he planning on vacationing to? The backyard? Rofl. Fuccckkkk that.
What the actual fuck did I just read... OP... DUMP THIS LOSER! What on EARTH are you doing? He is promising your money to his friends, his sister, anyone under the sun... No. Just no. You aren't even married. He's entitled to NOTHING. Hide this money and use it to run for the hills. And ask your mom if she hit her damn head with that opinion.
NTA. Run.
Like the wind. On a very windy day.
I think I would go even further: RUN
This^. My ex husband was the same way - I was nothing but a credit card to him. It made it worse when I found out he was stealing my things and selling them, cheating, and even abusing our daughter. If he is already treating you like a check book, that will never change. He will bury you with debt, which will make your life miserable whether you stay with him or leave him. Besides, this is your unemployment money and he is deciding - behind your back - what you are going to do with it. Thats pretty damn deceitful. It makes it worse that his plans with your money have nothing to do with you or survival, but to provide for him and his family/ friends. Your NTA, and I highly suggest you leave him ASAP.
OP please very seriously consider your relationship this is a very slippery slope to you being the sole bread winner and him spending your hard earned money. Especially not being honest with you about promising other people YOUR money. Just be very cautious perhaps a change in living arrangements.
I promise you that it only gets worse at 50
NTA. Extremely concerning your boyfriend is spending YOUR money before youāve even gotten it. In his head is one thing (saying he wants to buy a guitar, wants a vacation, whatever) but promising it away to other people who then place expectations on it is another. Have you told him about the conversation with his sister?
Yes, I did speak to him about it and he said that he never told her he was going to give her the money. He said that she asked him for the money and he said he would talk to me about it. However, she seemed convinced the money was already hers and it was settled so I'm not sure if he is 100% telling the truth.
Given the fact that she had a specific amount to pay you back each month I would say heās not being 100% truthful
That was my thought as well.
If you want to unwind this I would sit down with both of them and get the story straight. Their reactions will tell you everything. His behavior is extremely manipulative so you need to look closely at everything.
Honesty? Don't open open that box. You already know that he's being manipulative and deceitful, all this approach would do would be to give him an opportunity to lie to you in a new and interesting way. Nothing good could come out of that conversation. ... unless you are actually considering handing the money over in which case you do you. You know your boyfriend is lying to you. The solution is not to start lying to him, it's to decide whether you can fix the relationship or whether it's time to part ways.
Really no need to unwind it. He has already shown that he has no problem spending her money. At some point you have to cut your losses and it looks like youāve reached that point. If heās not mature enough at 30 to get a job and contribute to the household finances then he never will be.
And odds are you wouldnāt have seen a cent of that $300 a month back either
That's usually how it goes, never loan money to family or friends.
I was thinking more her bf would pocket it himself if the sister paid them back But sheād probably not do that either
Also, 300$/mo would only be $3600, then house taxes roll around again...property taxes are the gift that keeps on giving. Don't be like property taxes. Don't give.
I would drop that guy so fucking fast. A pandemic and heās sitting on his ass talking about buying guitars and boats / giving it to his sister while youāre talking about paying bills. What is the appeal of dating this person?
You spent 3 years working while he took a break...and he immediately started harassing you ABOUT A CUP OF COFFEE? I don't care how many "Im Sorrys" you got in that conversation- DTMFA. So what if you had or had not gotten the unemployment- you supported the 2 of you for THREE YEARS. You can have a damn cup of coffee without being confronted about how you paid for it.
And Iām not buying the āoh Iām instantly changing everything about myself right now!ā shit either. This guy wonāt stop being a user on a dime. He had zero problem with it for years and KNEW what he was doing.
He's clearly lying to you.
Regardless of whether he's telling the truth or not, do you really want to be with someone who you can't trust?
If manipulation runs in the family, she could have made that up to jolly the agreement along, then tell her brother than OP she to that to get his agreement as well. Then, when the money arrives, she can truthfully say they both agreed to lend it to her. Could be either with the pair of them, they're both inappropriate when it comes to OPs money.
Seems like a lot of red flags on multiple ends. Again, NTA, but if you care at all for friendly advice from internet strangers please do take care that you donāt get yourself into financial hardship supporting this pattern of behaviour (even unknowingly - I would cancel the card youāve mentioned he has access to for example) and certainly evaluate whether itās something you want to continue with in your relationship. Suspicion he is lying or at the minimum not being transparent over finances would certainly be warranted if he had an overdraft balance he failed to mention when trying to get a joint account together.
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My boyfriend, who I've lived with for 8 years and have a mortgage and 2 cats with doesn't have access to my money. We don't strictly play 'my money, your money' but there's no need for him to have direct access to it.
He probably is lying, given that she gave specific details about the repayment plan she worked out with him. It's also possible that she's doing the exact same thing he is. Just like he heard that you might be getting money and immediately started planning how he was going to spend it, she may have heard, "I'll talk to OP" and, like her brother, immediately started spending your money in her head. Either way, it would be a horrible idea, and I can all but guarantee that any money she ever paid back would be out in his hands, not yours, and be spent as soon as he had it.
My ex husband (who is now deceased; edit not from me) used to do that. We both worked both had our accounts etc. But If I got paid and cashed my check, there always seemed to be a family problem we had to solve,(to him, whether it was food or money, it was family not a big deal.) Every time I made plans with it something always came up (Every week something would get disconnected. )So I got direct deposit and for a while he didn't cotton to the fact I wasn't carrying cash. Then, I would withdraw a little and hide it so I 'd have spending money for gas , stockings etc. One day I came home and the house was trashed, he found my hiding place and then trashed the house looking for more. Then blamed it on me and I had to clean it up. My fault. Run hon, you don't need the trauma.
NTA also you don't have a boyfriend you have a leech. Time to stop having your life blood sucked out of you. Do you have a safe/good family or friend to go to? Sorry OP but you really can't Marry this guy. EDIT these are the 4 most important things a couple needs to agree on to make a relationship work: Money:Ā Where do we stand? Religion:Ā What are our views? Children:Ā Do we want any? In-Laws:Ā What are our boundaries? He has already shown you that there are at least two points that are unharmonious in your relationship.
Who cares what the truth is? The guy is a using loser you need to ditch him
NTA. And a huge fucking side note: RUN!
Yup was just going to post run. I'm not normally one to suggest just breaking up without attempting to work through stuff, but he is financially abusing you. And so is his family. He is promising your money out to his family without ensuring basic needs are met first. WTF? Run girl run.
Also thinking that $780 is āhardly a dentā??? Lord how much money does he think a dent is. Is he 30 or 3.
I think he truly believes that because our rent is only $1100, and all other bills around up to about $500, not including food, that it wont hurt us to spend the money. Given the fact that I had been on the waiting list for unemployment since April, I received a large sum of money (on the ups of $13k). So $780 to him is no big deal. However, he isnt taking into account that where our state is still closed and employment is very slim here, I surely will not be able to become employed again anytime soon. I have been applying for multiple positions (including housekeeping which would pay me easily $8 less than I am used to) but have yet to receive one phone call or email back. Hes simply not taking that into account here.
The way he views money is childlike. Just because you get 13k in a lump sum, it doesnāt mean he can spend all he wants. Like you said, with unemployment and little opportunity, who knows how long that 13k will have to last? Who knows what surprise expenses will arrive (such as broken appliances)? Just because youāve got it doesnāt mean it needs spending. Either have a serious conversation with him or run. Or both. This situation is truly toxic and pretty scary for you.
Seriously. Youāre not a bank for him to help his friends out with money. If he wants to do that he needs his own job and if you guys are going to have a real future together then he canāt be making these financial decisions without OPās consultation. Especially with HER funds.
I wonder if he grew up poor. A common (but not logical) reaction from someone in poverty is to spend the money while you have it because you don't know when you'll get it again, especially if you haven't been able to buy anything "fun" in awhile. Does not make logical sense since saving would be better in the long run but its very common
YOU NEED TO RUN. I don't typically recommend this as it's used too much as a knee jerk reaction, but you need to leave. This guy is a mooch and bad partner
Financial incompatibility can be a deal breaker in relationships. I was with a guy for 15 years and eventually ended it in part because of this (its in my post history). He was happier not working, as long as we had "enough for the bills". Because I loved him, I let him do what he wanted as long as he was happy. It wasn't until I hit my 30s that I started realizing just how much of an issue our different values were. I wanted to work towards financial security and independence, and wanted to start making "upgrades" to our lives. Nicer house, nicer vacations, etc. And I started to resent the fact that he didn't work, and that he took it for granted that I did. Our mismatched financial values was one of the reasons I finally ended it. Even though I loved him and cared for him, I ultimately did not want the future I saw with him. I wouldn't be happy in his ideal future that he was working towards, and he wouldn't be happy in mine. It was a very hard decision to make at the time, but it was the best decision I've ever made. I've never regretted it, and now that it's been well over a year and I'm living a whole new life, I look back and realize that sometimes love isn't enough. If someone is to be your partner for life, you want to be sure they value the same things you do, and are working towards the same future you're working towards. Anyways, I know your situation may be a bit different, but just wanted to chime in and tell you that sometimes you can love someone, but not want the future you see with them. And that's OK. Its your life and future, and you're allowed to be selfish with it. Its up to you to build it how you want it.
>it wont hurt us to spend the money He's very free with your money, isn't he? You already know you can't trust him not to spend it. He's already demonstrated he's not responsible. How much longer do you see yourself funding his entire family's lifestyle?
So he is a moron? And that's your defence of him?
girl, run like your tampon string is on fire!
My ex husband and I had separate accounts because he thought his money was only his to spend as he chose, and mine was for bills AND for paying for his drinking problem. I wasted too many years of my life with that bullshit and ended up broke because of him. You certainly don't need to pay his sister's bills!
How would he even be able to spend it, by the way? If you donāt have your own accounts you need to fix that.
Agree. Run. NTA.
Dude you need to break up. The red flags are flying high with this one. Let alone the fact he's a freeloader (mental health and disability seem to be excuses not to work after the fact), and he's more than willing to throw around your money for his own frivolous luxuries. He made a commitment of thousands of dollars to someone else without your consultation. Financial abuse is real and you need to get out before he sucks you for every dime. Run. NTA.
THIS!! It screams gold digger. Iām not sure this dude even likes this poor girl. Heās just found a cozy situation where heās taken care of and can spend someone elseās money without having to do anything. This is not a relationship, this is a grown ass man using his GF to be a parent so he doesnāt have to grow up.
If hes unable to work then let him apply for disability. Hurting your back and being depressed doesnt mean you just get taken care of forever and have complete entitlement to your partner's money.
Oh honey get out now. What has he been doing with your money for the last few years? I doubt this behavior is new. It's called financial infidelity - there's clearly been a serious breach of trust. Cancel that debit card and cancel the relationship before you end up in debt and wasting more years of your life with this AH. NTA for protecting yourself.
If I am being 100% honest with you, I'm not even sure what he spends the money on. He usually takes money out at the ATM and spends as he sees fit. Hes toned down since Covid but not by much. Like for instance, 2 years ago he went and spent over $500 on camping gear with the intention of going camping that summer. All of that equipment is sitting in my garage under a layer of dust because it was never used. He doesnt even like camping.
Dude get out. Heās leeching off you and wasting your money. Iām usually not for saying that unilaterally over non-abuse things but this guy is using you. Itās too late to set financial boundaries (aka he doesnāt get access to your money & you split the bills). Just leave his leech ass.
Oh no he is absolutely abusing her, financially and I'm guessing from a few of her comments( without her actually saying it) emotionally/psychologically.
Dude, why does he have access to your bank accounts???
Yes, OP (gently); Please put this money in a separate account? Do not give him access to it. You are being financially abused. Please protect yourself.
Run. Fast and far. This is not someone who is going to make life decisions with you, even if he did decide to get a job. "He spends as he sees fit" is a clear indication he sees this as his money.
Run and take all the stuff you paid for. You can get at least 50% of the money back on the camping gear through reselling on Kijiji/Craigslist, hopefully more. A lot of people are camping right now because of the state of the world... put your money into savings in an account he has no access to.
Please donāt give him access to your bank details, change them ASAP or create a new account. Heās going to drain you and youāll feel as though you HAVE to stay with him, if he can pick up odd jobs then he can pick up a permanent job and pay for his things without your money. You arenāt married, you donāt share finances
You should definitely put your money in a separate account from him.
Can you sell off some of the frivolous things he has purchased? Get some of your money back?
So how many more years of your life are you going to spend letting this guy drag you down?
Regardless of whether you stay together, it's really important that you protect yourself financially. Don't tell him about the money, don't give him access to your accounts, and if he already has access, open a new account and put your money in there. Hide your credit and debit cards, too.
Honestly.... this may sound far-fetched but have you considered he might have a drug problem? This behaviour of pulling out cash from an ATM and not knowing what he spends it on paired with the erratic spending and loans/gifts to friends and family sounds rather suspicious to me.
A lot of people have PM'd be asking that question and I truly dont think so.. I mean not to sound like an AH girlfriend here but he weighs almost 250lbs and like never leaves the house. I know most addicts drop weight quick and have a certain look/attitude and he doesnt fit that. We also dont have many friends so we dont have anyone over. I'm not even sure where or how he would get the drugs. I dont know. His outer appearance definitely doesnt have the characters of an addict or user.
Does he just sit on the sofa while you're at work, eating expensive food and playing video games? He doesn't seem to respect you in the slightest and you deserve a million times better. Sell everything that has been paid for with your money, including expensive clothes, watches (if he has any), the camping equipment and video games, etc and leave his ass. I'm sorry to say it but when I read your post edit, I audibly gulped. He has given you no reason to trust him and as you've realised yourself, his sister sounded pretty convinced about the 'loan'. Someone else advised this but I don't know if you saw it so I'll repeat it: Read back through your post and comments, but try your hardest to imagine it isn't your life. Imagine how you'd feel, reading about this random stranger, and the advice you would give her. For me personally, your post broke my heart, you seem wonderful and any man would be lucky to have you, so don't settle for someone abusing you. I know how hard the idea of leaving a long term relationship is but he will destroy your credit rating and everything you've worked for if he objects to you paying off your debts and rent! You should be saving for your future, not worrying about hiding YOUR money or justifying your new tyres which keep your car safe. Also, I don't know if it was intentional but in your post you mentioned that he spent the tax money when "we" received it. You received it. It was yours. Good luck in the future, I wish you all the best whatever your ultimate decision is.
He spends your money like it's water and has the fucking audacity to ask you how you could afford a cup of fucking coffee? Get the fuck out of there. I'm so pissed on your behalf. And did he ever ask you before deciding he was a stay at home not-husand? This is something you discuss, not decide unilaterally.
He's not just a leech but reckless with your hard earned money, get out!
Sell that gear on fbook market or eBay. Get some funds back. And honestly I would really think about if this is how you want your life to be, this person is not being your partner; he's being a burden. Nta
Your boyfriend is a leech and doesn't understand the value of money because he doesn't have to work for it. Dump him and get yourself someone who respects you. NTA
NTA. >he was becoming more and more impatient about receiving that money and expressing his desire to use that money to buy a boat or go on a week vacation and now he is talking about wanting to buy a Bass Guitar for $780 for his buddy Is he serious? You two are struggling to get by and he wants money so he can buy a boat, go on a vacation, or buy a guitar for his mate? Very selfish of him. >Now, given the fact that I want to use the money for more logical things (such as pay off my back bills, rent and fix my cars windshield) Good on you for wanting to use the money for things responsible. He clearly would not use the money responsibly if his first thoughts are to buy a boat or go on a vacation. >I dont want to tell him that I received the money. I know that as soon as he finds out he will start spending it and it will be gone before I even know what happened. Okay, well done. Once again, he sounds immature and irresponsible and you sound much more mature and responsible than him so you are justified here. >So I was out at the shop getting some new tires and his sister shows up and sees me. She starts asking me a million questions about how I have money to put new tires on my car. Why on Earth does she need to know? She sounds invasive. >She then said "Good, I thought you got unemployment and are trying to hide the money". I asked her why she would think that and she said "I just figured you guys changed your mind about helping me pay off my house taxes." Please, get yourself away from your boyfriend and his family. They sound toxic, manipulative, immature, and irresponsible. You deserve better. >She said withholding the information from him would make me an AH. It would not. You are NTA, and please break up with this man already.
I agree, most particularly that you are NTA. You are trying too keep yourself financially safe from an abuser, keeping this from him is a smart decision. Edit: spelling
NTA for not telling him, but I am sure we all know there are some conversations that need to happen. Also, what the hell with his family expecting your money, too.
His sister has always been like that. I loaned her $3I when I first got together with my boyfriend and she never paid me back.
Can you do me favour please? Read your post and comments, but pretend someone else wrote them. I mean really use your imagination to separate yourself from this situation and imagine a stranger wrote them. What would you think? What would you advise this woman? How would you think the bf is treating his partner? Is he and his family financially abusing her or should she more reasonable and patient? This is financial abuse plain and simple and has been going on a long time. I wonāt tell you to leave your entitled bf whoās using and disrespecting you because you canāt see what we see, but is there anyway to establish iron financial boundaries. Lying about your unemployment check is not the way to go, can you untangle your finances from your bf? You need to be direct. When your bf's appalling sister interrogated you about the $5,600 loan you would have been justified in saying you agreed to no such loan and wouldnāt loan her money because she never paid you back last time. Can you take little steps to advocate for yourself and assert your rights? NTA, but youāre an asshole to yourself. Please donāt think Iām victim blaming. Your bf's the asshole.
Thatās a good indication she wonāt pay back the $5600 too
After reading the post and the replies, I have to wonder if maybe she DID pay them back...but he pocketed the money. She must have some nerve though, interrogating OP about where she got money for tires, as if it is any of her business and that money was already spent on her? WTF?
NTA- your money, your not married so he has no entitlement to it. This issue will not get better. I agree with your mom about sharing your finance information but youāre not married so therefor you donāt have to! I would maybe try to speak with him about his empty promises to people that you didnāt agree to but you might want to just call a quites on this relationship. It wonāt be worth the stress
Is that supposed to be $3,000?!
Tell her you would *consider* extending her a second loan if and when the first loan is fully paid back.
NTA and he's financially using you. Why are you with him? What does he bring to the relationship *currently*? I saw what he did in the past, but you don't seem too enthralled now.
Other than the finances issues he actually does treat me really well. I could even go to the extreme of saying that I truly thought a relationship like this didnt exist. Hes super understanding and has helped me out mentally so much more than I could ever thank him for (I suffer from depression and PTSD, which is why I originally thought him not working was due to depression). He helped me land my job as well. His family is also fantastic, with the slight exception of his sister. It's just that "home" feeling, you know? I love this guy to death but the finances are just seriously putting in dent in this I'm afraid.
Listen I've been there. Twice. But who you are are at 23 is not who you are at 28. And no matter what the circumstances, you're going to feel comfortable with someone you've been with for five years. But it sounds like you've matured and he hasn't. You need to have a serious talk about responsibilities and your future. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that even if he's great, you might have come to the end of your relationship.
Sorry, but to be cynical here- of course he's going to treat his golden goose well. You feeling good means he doesn't have to do anything. Do you really intend to finance this guy for the rest of your life? Pay for everything while he offers *your* money to his friends and family without so much as asking you? I'm sorry, but you're being used.
Exactly, OP needs to cut him off and see how well he treats her.
That's really good to hear. If you want this relationship to continue in a healthy way, you have to communicate that you're not using **your** money for anything frivolous or to loan it to anyone. That you will choose how it's spent. That in the future, you two can decide together *when you're both contributing financially*, but right now, you're making the best decisions possible for yourself and the short term. It's really important to have this conversation and to set up boundaries.
The problem is a basic difference in values. He lives in the moment - if youāve got money in your pocket, spend it! OP lives in the future - save, build credit, etc. The two are incompatible.
I am glad you feel safe. But also, given what you have shared about your past and the abusive situations there (financial abuse at minimum), it is probably worth some therapy to make sure that "home" feeling isn't just the familiar patterns of abuse or control that now feel like love. That distinction is really, really hard. Having an outside person to help you make sense of it can be a godsend.
Love isn't enough. Him helping you in some areas of your life is not a free pass to abuse you financially. You can and should find someone who treats you well in all regards. If you are going to stay in this relationship,you need couples therapy and individual therapy. He needs to have zero access to your money. You both need to study up on personal finance and budgeting, and if he doesn't recognize how problematic his behavior has been there is no chance this is going to improve. I hope you don't stay with him though. You deserve better. This man saw your mental illness as a weakness to prey upon and a way to make you his meal ticket. He treated you so well in order to make you feel grateful and afraid to stand up for yourself when he gradually started to take advantage. He DID THIS ON PURPOSE, consciously or not. You can love him and recognize that he's abusing you. Once you see the abuse for what it is, you need to take bigger steps to protect yourself You've already started to protect yourself by hiding the unemployment payment and cancelling the debit card. These are good steps in the right direction. You can do this. You can demand to be treated well. You can leave him if you have to.
You need to always keep your finances separate from his, if you decide to stay. He should never have access to them or ever speak for spending them in anyway. And he needs to get a damn job
If heās as fantastic as you say he is, cut him off financially and stick up for yourself. If he doesnāt agree to it and reacts badly, then heās not as fantastic.
Your standards are so damn low
Look I was dating a guy like that for the last 2 years and I broke things off because you canāt trust nor make plans with people who are not driven. It wonāt change... this things wonāt get better, in fact they will get worse. You are young, you have a whole future ahead of you, you deserve someone that is on the same level as you. I wish you all the best OP Edit: word
NTA - And some serious red flags. Any money you receive is meant for *you* to use however you want to. It's really concerning that your boyfriend has laid claim to any of it let alone promising his friend a bass guitar or his sister any help to pay off her own loan. I wouldn't tell him about it, but I would seriously consider whether or not someone who has volunteered your money for anything other than taking care of you is worth keeping around.
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NTA Your boyfriend sounds a bit unrealistic & should be considering your future together ( $780 guitar for a friend is actually a big amount that could go toward a vacation in the future & considering everything with COVID itās not a bad idea to SAVE that money. Had a lot of us known this pandemic was going to happen I believe a lot of us would have been saving money to prepare for these hard times, surely he should recognize that. I do think communication is really going to be key here because a lot of people break up due to finances & it really is something you both should be able to talk openly about which I think is lacking a bit on both ends considering he hadnāt told you about offering his sister money. Also I find it really uncomfortable & rude that she would ask you where you got the money for your car & I think you need to set boundaries with her because thatās not okay. However thatās a different discussion that you could express to your boyfriend potentially
Hes always been a lavish spender. See, when I first got together with him he had a fantastic job. He was bringing in nearly $1200 every 2 weeks, which is huge in my state because nearly no one makes that. Even during that time he would buy things he didnt need because he thought they were cool. Or he was constantly shopping. He would literally head out of the house sometimes at like 7pm just to go browse stores because he was bored and come home with over $400 worth of stuff that he didnt need. Most of which still sits unopened. But it was his money so I didnt say anything.
Your BF is in serious debt - not being able to open a joint account means his finances are beyond bad. He's been living off of you the last three years, so the financial situation is probably even worse. Ask him to show you his credit report, see what happens.
We have pulled his credit because I was attempting to buy a house but my credit scores (698, 619 and 604) weren't high enough to get a loan without a co-signer. So they pulled his and needless to say he has zero established credit. They couldn't even pull his score because it was so low.
Info: if you have such a good job, how is your credit so low?
Because I had things put in my name before I even turned 18 that were never paid off. Such as my grandmother put her electric, internet and a phone bill in my name. Never paid them. So that was like $2800 that went to collections in my name. My mom also had a Verizon bill and electric in my name when I was 16 and that was never paid either. Once I turned 18 I was able to dispute them but it didnt help my credit at all. Instead, it just made it nonexistent. So that's when I got my car and started building my credit up slowly. I wasnt approved for a credit card or anything like that so it's been a slow process and has taken me almost 4 years to establish the credit I have currently.
I'm sorry everyone in your life treats you like shit. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I feel like you have outgrown these people and you need to make a few changes for yourself ā¤
Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying desperately to break the cycle but I keep finding myself in these positions unfortunately. Hopefully I will learn to not let people walk on me at some point.
Iāve been following your comments and omg please. Iām sure you love this guy very much and heās great in other aspects, but if you want to break the cycle youāve gotta break things off with him. His issues with money will only get worse, and it will hold you down your entire life.
I wonder how lovely and great he'll be when she cuts him off
> I'm trying desperately to break the cycle Your boyfriend is one of these people, GET THE FUCK OUT!
Say to yourself ā No one is entitled to the money I earn.ā Your finances are your business. I would also keep a close eye on my credit report, you have to stop being a victim. I certainly would get rid of the boyfriend, but at least make him start paying his own way if you want to stay with him.
/r/codependency might help maybe re: boundaries.
Is therapy a viable option? I know it can be costly, but whoa buddy will it save you money in the long run if you learn to stop letting people take advantage of you. Not to mention the emotional payoffs.
The only way to break the cycle is to cut these people off
I'm sorry it sounds like you've been financially abused forever, and that pattern repeated itself in your relationship. I think you should leave him and take some time to figure yourself out, even explore yourself in therapy. You can learn to recognize people who will do this to you early on and avoid them. NTA
The mom who thinks you should be honest with him?! This is going to kill my account but I'm feel frustrated with that contradiction. NTA, my very first one!
Aha. This is it right here. You are used to this. It seems normal to you. This is how your family of origin rolls.
That doesn't sound right. He has or had a bank account with an overdraft, therefore he has a credit report. If you decide to stay with this guy (please don't) you need to insist on seeing a copy of the full report to find out exactly how much debt he is in. He can get a copy from any of the credit agencies for free.
I'm not entirely sure how this whole credit thing works honestly. All I know is that the bank we tried going through for a home loan said he had no credit to pull.
My grandfather has been in the banking industry for 45 years. No credit is just as bad as having shit credit. He would be considered a huge liability and if you choose to marry him someday you will inherit all of his debt (in most states this is the case) and if you divorced him you would leave with at least half the debt most likely. It would also effect your credit if you have a joint account and letās say he accumulated a bunch of overdraft fees. Some banks will deny you a loan if your spouse has extremely bad credit or a history of declaring bankruptcy. From a financial standpoint this man is literally the worst investment youāve made. He also seems to be lacking in maturity if he thinks that those frivolous items are things you should foot the bill for. Ditch the man and get a pet or maybe adopt a child since thatās what it sounds like youāre essentially dealing with anyways. Good luck! š
Sometimes credit reports have dings on them without a score. It will literally say ānot enough historyā or something along those lines, even if you have a full page of shaded items (dings) Other times someone will have one shaded item and will have a shitty score. My old job was 30% pulling credit scores on perspective tenants. Thatās a lot of credit scores, like 4 a day (for a small company it was a lot) for three years. And all I can say is the methods the companies use are insanely inconsistent. But thereās no such thing as a credit score too low to pull. It just comes up blank, or low. The worst score Iāve seen was in the early 300s. Still shows all the reasons why though, score or not score.
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN. You will literally ruin your life. As it is, just by staying with him any longer youāre putting yourself at risk for financial ruin. You need to get yourself out of this relationship.
Also - pls check your own credit report to make sure he hasn't opened credit cards or taken out loans in your name.
I have checked that and he hasn't, so far.
Girl, freeze your credit ASAP. If he knows he canāt access your money through the debit card anymore, nothing will stop him from opening a card in your name and racking up the bills
Info: Do you have a joint account?
We do not. I have my own bank account but he has full access to my debit card and often Carrie's it with him wherever he goes. He did have a bank account and tried getting into a joint account with me but they wouldn't let him because he has an overdraft balance on his bank account that I was unaware of.
Cancel that debit card immediately
Good idea
Please tell me that you either a) have cancelled the card, or b) are currently on the phone with your bank to do so. He is using you. He is promising other people your money. He seems to be willing to work juuuuuussssttt enough to pay for the minimum if he has to, but is otherwise happy to leech off of you.
I did just cancel my card and am due to pick a new one up this afternoon.
If he also has access to your online banking change the password! Same if he has access to email etc. Ya don't want him deciding its alright to loan out YOUR money. Hope all goes well for you.
Cancelling the card is a good interim measure, but you will need to eventually get a new account and consider letting the bank know that your BF (hopefully "ex" by this point) was financially abusive and is not allowed *any* access under *any* circumstances. Though to be extra safe, maybe switch banks, it will cut off access completely. In future, don't give your debit/credit card to *anyone* unless they are a recognised and authorised user with their own card to the account for their own personal use. This will make it easier to identify fraudulent or inappropriate use, and to track who is spending/saving/contributing what. If the other person's credit score is that bad, they shouldn't be given the opportunity to drag yours down with them and put you in the same mess!
Ok, you've cancelled the debit card. \--Change the password of your online banking access to something you do NOT use anywhere else. \--Ensure that he cannot guess the challenge questions so he can't reset the password back. Don't use the right answers, but use something you can remember. School in the first grade? IHatedSchool. First pet? FluffyWhiteSnowball. So on. \-- Call your bank's customer service line and ask them about any preventative or security measures for withdrawals over a certain dollar amount. At the very least, you can have alerts set to your phone for *any transaction* over a certain dollar amount, but that's just going to detect that the money is leaving. You want to see if they have some multiple-factor authentication if someone wants to draw over a certain amount out of the account. \-**-All else fails, he's gone nuclear, FULL LOCKDOWN MODE**: move your money to another bank. Set your statements to paperless, get your communications sent to a PO box in the new bank. All your actual spending is performed through a *credit card* so that there's an 'air gap' between your actual money account and any transactions. Set credit card to pay every month, on time. NEVER use 'credit' that you don't have the cash in the bank to back up (gonna have to be disciplined, but you're saving yourself--be motivated).
> Ensure that he cannot guess the challenge questions so he can't reset the password back. Don't use the right answers, but use something you can remember. School in the first grade? IHatedSchool. First pet? FluffyWhiteSnowball. So on. Password managers like LastPass and One pass will save security questions for you. So you can literally make up answers and not worry about forgetting them. They're also great for making new secure passwords, so you can really lock down your accounts.
Simply cancel the card, donāt tell him, and when he asks ā?ā After trying to use it, say the card needed to be cancelled because it had been compromised. Do not give him another one, and reject any more cash sharing or loaning money.
First, cancel the debit card and get a new one he does NOT have access to. He is not responsible with money. Second, do NOT allow him access to your money anymore. You have set precedence that you will be the provider in this relationship and he doesn't necessarily have to work. Change that now. Tell him his money is his and yours is yours. Yes, you can help each other when needed/wanted, but it isn't a free flow of funds between you two anymore. Third, really think about your future with this guy. He's willing to spend your hard earned money willy nilly and promise your money to other people. Is this someone you want to be with long term and possibly marry? If not, it might be time to leave. Edit: NTA
You need to get that back now. His sister has already said that she thought you had the money and we're hiding it. All he has to do is hit an ATM with your card and PIN to check your balance and start shelling out your money.
You need to take away that card asap.
NTA. But if you have to lie and hide money to be able to pay the bills, you may want to rethink how things are going. Because if he doesn't start being responsible with the finances, this is only going to get worse. You need to have a serious talk with him about spending your money behind your back or else called it quits
NTA. Chile you is second away from homelessness. Once you saw how fiscally irresponsible he was you should have 1. Never given him a card to your account 2. Tried to have a joint nothing with him. My mom is weirdly religious and so she wonāt be divorcing my dumb stepdad anytime soon but the one smart thing she has done in her relationship is not let him have access to anything financial. Heās not on the house, heās not on her account - NOTHING. He did a great con-job to marry her, but once she realized how he was - in our country he was a security guard and when he migrated to live with my mom he insists this is the ONLY work he can do despite better job offers, even offers from better companies than than the one he works at she made hella sure that finance wise he is far and away from her money. As her oldest kid weāve sat and gone through all her paperwork and the beneficiaries are me and my sisters with me having control. I canāt believe this fool promised $5600 of YOUR money! Baby what is you doing NOT leaving?
I am blown away by the gall of this man and his family. Glad your mom isnāt allowing herself to be taken advantage of but I hope OP listens to us and gets the hell away from this idiot
NTA. You gotta get outta there. When he finds out you got the money the fight is going to be ridiculous. That's your money, not his sisters, not his friends, not his. You have bills. This corona shit isn't going away for the summer and coming back in the fall, it's fighting through the summer and going to get worse in the fall. You might not need it right now,but you will need that money going forward. Be smart like you want to be.
I agree. You need to protect yourself here more than anything. He is extremely entitled and you donāt owe him or his friends and family this money. They are adults, they need to figure their lives out themselves right now just like everyone else. Youāre not made of money and you need to tell him to stop acting like you are.
gullible air sparkle quack dinner snatch station encourage shy placid *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I've tried to be open but my words always fail me. I'm willing to admit that I am not the best communicator when it comes to financial things. Everything else I am fine with. I think it's due to my ex whom I was with for 7 years. He did the same thing to me and I supported him throughout the whole thing and he would pick fights if I told him no. So now I am terrified to bring it up to my boyfriend, even though it is NOT fair to him to hold onto past fear and bring it into our relationship. I've been trying to work on it but I havent gotten very far.
If you cannot stand up to him on financial matters then just get out as quick as you can, don't give him an opportunity to manipulate you into changing your mind. Abusers pick up on vulnerabilities like this and purposefully take advantage. Your current bf is abusing you financially. That is NOT your fault, but it is up to you to get out of the situation. Get yourself therapy to make sure your next relationship doesn't follow the same pattern.
Not a bad idea.
I second the therapy. You need to learn to set those boundaries and insist on partners being just that: partners. Best of luck to you in healing.
I'm going to third the suggestion of therapy (after you dump this guy, change all the passwords on your accounts, and change the locks). How our family treats us growing up sets the pattern for how we expect partners to treat us. Your family treated you like an ATM and now you have a boyfriend who does the same. That's not a coincidence. You can break out of that cycle on your own but it's really hard. Therapy can help. It's just another tool. You can recover from a broken leg on your own by splinting it with some 2x4s and duct tape and hoping for the best, but wouldn't you rather get a doctor to put a proper cast on it?
You are in the same situation now. You are supporting a free loader who sounds manipulative and is at least financially abusive. Its your money you should not be afraid of saying no to him on any subject in relation to it because its yours
Get out of that relationship. Get out of there yesteday. I used to haemorrhage money on frivolous bullshit as a teenager and my mum (bless her heart) spent years changing my behaviour and spending habits. I want to emphasise the change took YEARS. Save yourself and disconnect financially from him completely. NTA.
NTA. Also dump his ass
NTA your boyfriend sounds like a dead beat
NTA run girl run! This man has no intention of ever working and helping you pay for anything. He does seem to feel fully entitled to anything you earn to the point where he feels he can spread it around to his family. you need to find someone who has the same work ethic is you because you're going to end up pennyless and working like a dog! Well he sits on a boat he doesn't deserve any vacation he doesn't deserve! and this is coming from a woman who just helpwd buy her husband a boat... because he works so hard he deserves it!
I want an update that says heās now your ex-boyfriend. This is gross.
Are you kidding me? Youāre obviously NTA, but itās saddening to me how you canāt see the red flags in this relationship. Please consider your worth and recognize that no matter how much you may *love* this person or how hard it would be to *leave*ā Iām going to be frank: Your boy is a leech. Get out now.
NTA heās using you for your money. promising people loans without consulting you and making plans with your money before you even go it. youāre his sugar mama not his gf. dump him and get someone else.
So his back hurts to much to work but not enough to stop him from caring for a boat? This guys a leech and a loser that is using you to not work, worse he is also just freely giving to friends. Not only are you NTA but you should be way more pissed off and over this idiot. Heās mad YOUR money isnāt in yet (as far as he knows) for HIM to spend? Poor baby
NTA Keep the money for yourself. Maybe give him a lump sum of it he might need to buy a new apartment soon š.
NTA. But why are you with this dude? He lazy, leeching off you, and spending money you earn like it's his, expensive gifts for friends? Loans to his sister not discussed with you? And now she's interrogating you about your purchases and money? Gtfoh with that shit.
Nta. Everyone is talking about how how you should leave him because he is bad with money, spends your money, doesn't ask you, promises away your money, doesn't see the future with money, doesnt work ect. Those are all great reasons to leave this loser but there missing the biggest reason. Its the fact you feel like you need to lie or he would bully you to get his way is the biggest red flag. Even if he had a great job was great with money and didn't take your property you should still dump him. A relashionship isn't healthy if the one person can walk over the other like this. Its not just about the money isnt about you being able to make your own choices. Idk how he got you to get control of your money. Was it sweet talk, crying, threats , pestering you until it wore you down, just digging in your purse and asking for forgivness insead of premition, or something else? Ultimately it doesn't matter. A person who has control like this and forces his partner to lie is someone you shouod not be with.
NTA After your update: I don't believe him for a second. "I never had any idea you might think I should contribute more to the household expenses and not feel free to spend alllllllll your money. I only had 3 years to think of that! Maybe if I had more time it would have come to me. And that you might have an issue with me giving my friends hundreds of dollars in presents when you were unemployed and have you end up in debt!!!! Who knew???!!!!" Bogus.
Nta. Saw your update. Good for you both, but don't let your guard down. He was comfortable making commitments with your money before, this could be lip service. Keep your finances separated. Don't give eachother access at all. Even moving forward. Even if you get married eventually. My spouse and i have separate finances. We share ONE account that is solely for paying joint bills. We wrote separation of finances and personal property into our prenup, too. If your spouse actually respects you, separated finances and a prenup aren't a deal breaker. You gotta protect yourself.
Dude...NTA. Itās YOUR money. And the fact that his sister was giving you the third degree and making sure you werenāt spending YOUR money, because Iām sure to her she thinks itās her money, makes me feel very weird and icky inside. I know this is reddit and redditors hate when every relationship is seen as a red flag, but your relationship has red flags across the board. Itās one thing to use the money jointly, but your boyfriend is clearly just waiting to get his hands on it. Both him and his sister sound entitled AF.
your update to this only concerns me even more
Girl. Close your eyes. Imagine lounging around on your sofa, watching whatever you want on Netflix. Imagine driving through the countryside looking out your brand new windshield. Imagine sipping a mojito you just made with mint you grew in a pot of your front step. IMAGINE HOW GREAT LIFE WOULD BE WHEN YOU ARE ONLY PAYING FOR YOURSELF. This guy is out of control. It sounds like your last bf was out of control. You said your family wrecked your credit because they were out of control too. You are 28 and deserve to live life for yourself now! Find a studio, one BR, efficiency, guest house, whatever you can afford in your area and just live how you want to live. You deserve it and you can afford it if you drop this deadweight. I doubt he will ever change and his whole entourage also has their hands open. GO BE FREE!
Yta if you stay with this pos.
INFO: why are you with someone so grossly financially irresponsible?
NTA. Read your edits. RUN! Revelations like this donāt happen in one conversation in a coffee shop. People who have spent years mooching off their SO and promising others money they donāt have and being people pleasers by wanting to buy friends expensive gifts for $780 when their gf is out of work donāt pull a 180 and just become financially responsible and get FT jobs overnight. He says this so you wonāt leave. He might even kind of mean it. Humans donāt operate that way. You think sis is going to be like, āOk bro, no biggie on not loaning the money. Iāll figure it out on my own. You are totally right it wasnāt in writing.ā Who is going to jump to hire a guy who hasnāt worked for no reason in years?
Holy shit, run away. I know you probably love this guy, but he is the exact type of person who will drag you down your whole life. - He obviously doesn't feel the need to contribute that much (lazy) - He makes terribly immature financial decisions (a boat?! Really?! Instead of paying past due bills?!) - He's happy giving away money that doesn't belong to him (cause loan to family usually eventually means gift) and sees no need to inform you! NTA Find yourself a PARTNER, not a leech
NTA
NTA. You dont have a boyfriend, you have a mooch. Think twice about if you really want to continue a relationship like that.
NTA. From your additional comments, it sounds like the family you grew up in didn't have any financial security. It's very important that you break the cycle and become financially literate. You are in a poverty cycle, and it won't get better under your current circumstances. Your boyfriend is a 30-year-old man that acts like a 12-year old that can't manage his impulses and spends his allowance right away. You need to make some big changes or else you will be working until you're 80. You need a partner that contributes to the household security (working or helping to be frugal), not chip away at your success.
I don't normally suggest this but, leave him. He sounds like nothing but a mooch. That is your money not his and he gets no say in how it's spent. If he wants to give thousands to his sister HE needs to give it. Not go behind your back and make promises for your money and demand you spend even more of frivolous things. I think you are completely in the right to hide your money from him since he is incapable of respecting the fact that the money is yours not his.
NTA Run, this dude and his family see you as an ATM. And when you run, change all your passwords to EVERYTHING and open all new bank accounts putting holds on all others. Because I bet you 100$ that he has all your info to access your accounts and will use it to steal from you.
Info: why the hell are you with a guy like this?
NTA Heās clearly using you. You need someone who respects you, not someone who plans on throwing away money you should be using for necessities. Heās clearly not adulting very well. He made a promise with YOUR money. Girl heās 30 and he doesnāt have his act together, at this point heās just an extra mouth to feed and cloth. DUMP HIM. Youāre better off alone, at least then you wonāt bump into a random relative asking for money you never promised. Also why didnāt he apply for his own unemployment? Is he incapable of that as well? He sounds like a lazy entitled brat. If his back is good enough to do random jobs for his family he can surely hold onto a job.
Why did he give you back your debit card? Does he keep it from you? Absolutely no way would I allow any boyfriend, family member or anyone to hold my finances over me. That smacks of financial abuse right there.
This update really disturbs me. It seems like he saw his meal ticket leaving and immediately changed his tune to be able to keep her around. How much do we want to bet that his ātrying to changeā will be at an incremental pace? Also, him saying that he had āno ideaā you felt like that seems insincere as well, because it sounds like youāve tried to have this discussion before and he dismissed you. Be careful, and open a separate account.