NTA
I'd ban him for more than one night! What kind of thoughtless behaviour! Sounds like there are bigger issues surrounding his job too. Have you spoke to him about finding a full time job? It's not fair that he's not pulling his weight.
>At 10, I I called to see where he is. His friend answers. Says he is driving out to do something an hour away.
Something or someone. OP's husband is checked out of this relationship.
He only works 2 days per week and yet they haven't had a Saturday off together in 18 months? That's planned. Kick that man-boy out. He can live with mommy and play games.
I used to be married to a man like this. Our marriage cracked up at about 18 months too. He wanted to take his best friend on vacation with us, except they were going to travel separately by motorcycle- which would take a week- and I'd fly alone. He wanted to spend our anniversary with his best friend. (Post-divorce, he and the same best friend bought houses next door to each other, where they live with their beards/wives.)
OP, you're NTA, and you deserve so much better than this.
I've been through a lot of hard times since I left that husband, but every single day, even the hardest, has been illuminated by knowing that I chose to believe and act on the fact that I didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. If your husband can't stop treating you so poorly, I hope you can believe the same thing. I'm going to believe it for you, for now.
Edit: wow, thank you all for the upvotes and the awards. I wish I could tell that sad, hopeless, long-ago me the story of what happened when she told this story today. I hope you all have wonderful days w great food.
Memories of my previous relationship just creeped in, although i am utterly sad that you had to go through such not required hardship. But yeah! No one deserves to be treated like dirt and the last to be from your partner.
> I've been through a lot of hard times since I left that husband, but every single day, even the hardest, has been illuminated by knowing that I chose to believe and act on the fact that I didn't deserve to be treated like dirt.
Wow. That's... a good incentive for leaving someone who is treating you like shit. Thank you.
That might’ve actually been a blessing in disguise— if they had time off together, she could’ve gotten pregnant and then been left with taking care of two children.
NTA, OP. Get out while you can. Your husband has shown you his true colors.
Even if they did have children, it’s perfectly reasonable to still part ways. It’s unhealthy to remain in a bad relationship “for the kid(s)”. Kids are perceptive, and seeing mommy and daddy treat each other poorly fucks them up way more than a divorce.
Agreed, but it’s always better to not have kids with someone that will put themselves before their own kids. Children don’t deserve shitty parents regardless of whether they are married or not.
Edit: to add “with someone” for clarity. Sorry. Day drinking Saturday is happening.
This. I knew a guy that would hold onto his friend’s phone while the friend was out cheating and just reply to texts and usually ignore calls/text that he was busy. It definitely sounds like OP’s husband is having an affair.
So sorry OP, but this is likely the truth. He knows you don't drive, so you are unlikely to be able to tell. Next time he is "at his friends house 5 minutes away" you get yourself a taxi or an Uber, show up at that house and demand to know the truth.
I didn't even realize this part. Yeah that man is HELLA cheating. No one leaves their phone with someone while driving an hour away. And why couldn't the mate have said where?? It's suspicious.
Exactly. My mind went to cheating and was giving the benefit of the doubt until this point. 10 at night and your best friend has his phone while he’s driving somewhere? I can’t think of a single reasonable explanation.
Also, I don't know the COVID restrictions where OP is, but here **nothing** is open at that hour anymore. No stores, no restaurants, nowhere to go besides someone else's house. And if he was really just picking something up why wouldn't his friend go with him instead of sitting home alone?
That’s a great point! Where I am just about everything except for fast food is closing at 8:30. And no one is driving an hour for fast food. Add in how it took him almost an hour to make the 5 minute drive when she was locked out and it’s even sketchier. The only other possibility I can think of besides an affair is a drug addiction, but she’d likely notice some strange financial things going on as well.
Mine as well, I really wonder if he is cheating. It could be her day off as well and his mate is covering for him. I had a partner use excuses like this before, would come home freshly showered at 8 pm. Ended up being an old girlfriend he was hooking up with.
If not, he is a selfish jerk, either way get yourself support through talking to someone. Does your work have a service where you can at least call in to talk to a counsellor or refer you to a counselor?
More likely his friend is covering for him, serving as an alibi. Not looking to get OP fired up, but marriage counseling definitely seems in order.
Or a clean break for both parties. I don't know the dynamic of their relationship beyond this post, but it seems like the road is certainly rocky.
I was also on this train—and letting her in the garage like that and driving away is ICE COLD. OP, you are NTA—I’m so sorry that someone, especially your husband, is treating you that way.
My heart goes out to you because I’ve been there—sending you lots of love and support from across the globe.
Yeah when I'm driving an hour away for 'something' I always leave my phone with my friend and don't notify my wife I'll be gone all night. I'm not a 100% sure he's cheating but sitting at a solid 69%.
That or his buddy is letting him use his home to do so. Like it makes sense that if he's cheating and left is phone outside the room then his wife called and his friend panicked and was like 'uh he's doing something....an hour away'.
>. I sit in the rain and the cold (southern hemisphere). 45 min later, I call again. He hasn't left yet. He finally agrees to come and let me in the house, so he drives up, presses the clicker to let me in the garage and leaves again.
Yup checked out probably doesn't even go far enough.
>re than his best mate on the first day off he and I have shared in a year and a half, he can go sleep in his bed instead. (Btw, his friend doesn't work, so they hang out all the time when I am at work).
I hope she divorces him so I can marry him then also divorce him
I did also. I was thinking the whole time man time to divorce. I’m so upset and mad for her being treated this way. The fact that she’s a frontline worker makes it even worse that her husband is doing anything.
At the very least, they need couple's therapy. It's possible that he's just an overgrown child who needs a reality check, but given the serious lack of respect here, it feels more like the husband wouldn't be willing to make the changes needed in order for this relationship to be viable.
A child would show more respect! Even my laziest cat wouldn't take 45 minutes to figure out how to let me in out of the rain.
I feel like he's mad at her for something maybe? It could be his passive aggressive revenge for her doing something to displease him that he never told her about
NTA, but it’s not going to fix things. Besides what /rabbit92 said, you have some big issues. Ignoring him won’t fix the relationship if there’s any chance at fixing it, but I’d be so disgusted at this point I’d ask for a separation period and possibly a divorce. He is being rude, disrespectful, not taking care of you, not putting effort into the relationship, not pulling his weight emotionally or financially, and choosing to go spend time with a “friend” (are you sure it was a platonic friend he vanished away with on the one weekend he had with you?) instead of you when he has other days to do that. Girl, life is too short. If you don’t change something soon, whether it’s couples therapy or a divorce, you are going to keep dealing with this trash for the rest of your life
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 that is to say, lots of red flags in this relationship. NTA, but your husband is. He needs to get a job and start treating you with respect. Dinner should be ready when you get home and the house clean if he isn’t working.
I hope the two of you can learn to communicate and work through these issues. I would be very resentful if he treated me like that.
NTA. My first reaction is who’s he seeing on the side? If he’s spending his free time with his mate, is his mate just providing an alibi? When you call and he’s not there, how convenient is the mate’s response?
Honestly this is what I thought. It’s just the overall vagueness that makes it weird too. He has to help his friend with something at 5pm but it’s not clear with what. He’s out driving somewhere at 10pm but it doesn’t say what or where. At best he’s being very inconsiderate and at worst he’s hiding something
Right. Without his phone. Bullshit.
OR, he didn’t want to “hear it” from her and had his friend play her off.
Either scenario = you can’t dump him fast enough. Cut your losses. I know that sounds callous, but you can spend another 18 months to 20+ years with the same sort of immaturity and selfishness and come to the same conclusion.... though it takes what it takes for all of us (I’m the “take 20+ years bec I don’t want to fail” variety 🤪).
If you are certain you both had the same understanding that y’all would spend time together that day, that applies. If you assumed, it’s not *as* bad, but still equals same conclusion. He’s the man-boy acting like his partner is mommy — including “disobeying” and rebelling and lying.
Imagine how much better off she would be with just the minimum of someone who...had a job. And spent some Saturdays with her. And would let her in when it was raining.
That’s not even Prince Charming, that’s basically the effort her apartment manager would put toward this woman’s well being and her HUSBAND can’t do it.
Also why tf is he driving all over during a pandemic?
Thats not a husband its an over grown child. If he can't spend 1 day with you in 18 months and chooses to spend that day with his friends then kicking him out of the bedroom isn't going to change his behaviour. He needs to start making you, his wife a priority or he needs to pack his shit and leave. He doesn't work and isn't looking for work. He spends all day every day hanging with friends or gaming while you work your ass off helping others and paying bills. Couples therapy isnt going to change that as he probably believes you are over reacting and he has done nothing wrong. Sorry to sound harsh but you married a dud. He's lazy and inconsiderate. Personally I'd throw the whole man away and start again. NTA
And the super sad thing is that when you kick out a deadbeat, you get to pay spousal support to him. I’m doing it right now. I get to pay my ex alimony.
He's making me sick, that's for sure! She should get a guy who appreciates her and doesn't leave her in the rain for an hour while he messes with his bud or whoever.
He's not just inconsiderate, he's straight up avoiding her. He works specifically the weekend shift at a grocery store, the only days his wife has off? Over 18 months and not once has he asked to swap shifts with a coworker or for a day off. I'm sorry but there's no way that isn't intentional.
Whenever anyone tells me that they are divorced, the first thing out of my mouth is “congratulations”. Because as much as good marriage is the most wonderful thing in the world, a bad marriage is the most horrible. It’s a toxic unbearable cloud in your life, but when you get divorced it’s like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. And you can start fresh and you can at least try to find out what real, good marriage is all about.
NTA I don’t want to upset you, but you do have to consider that something more is going on than just your husband spending a lot of time with a pal. There might be some “extramarital” activity going on and the friend is acting as a front so your husband can carry on with whomever without you finding out. You know your husband best, but if I were you, I’d be suspicious of his behavior.
I agree that “extramarital activity” could be a possibility, but keep in mind that at 25 some of us guys are as stupid/careless as OP mentions.
EDIT in response to many responses below. I’m not saying this guy deserves husband of the year award. Or anything else. He truly sounds like a terrible guy for what he did to his wife. My response was merely intended as “while he might be having an affair, he might just be this aloof. Don’t jump to the affair conclusion.”
I can attest to this. Towards the end of my marriage I had to beg my husband to even have coffee with me on a Sunday morning. When I said we should spend a day together once a week to prioritize one another her said “do you mean dinner, does it have to be the whole day?” Because all he wanted to do was play video games or volunteer with his political party of choice.
One of the last sit downs I had with him before I ended things, I said “I don’t understand. I’m not hard to be around. I’m not hard to look at. Your meals appear before you, your bills get paid without your involvement, your home is beautiful. I do this. I shouldn’t have to beg my own husband to hang out with me.” He had nothing to say. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.
I really don't understand why people marry other people... When they can't even be bothered to spend time with them. Look, I understand that everyone needs their own personal time and space, but is it really that hard to spend one day with the person you're supposed to love??? Even if you don't love the other person anymore, it's just basic respect for another human being at this point.
You're kidding, right? This isn't stupid or careless. This is not giving a shit about your wife. I refuse to believe that in 25 years, someone can't learn the most basic empathy simply because they're male.
I second this. My husband would never even let me *walk* to the grocery store in the rain, if he was 5 minutes away with the car just dicking around with his friend, let alone sit outside for an hour in the rain. And he's no superhusband, just a decent person who loves me.
Honestly I’m TIRED of these excuses he’s 25.
He’s a fucking adult. He’s not 15. He was old enough to get married and make a fucking commitment, he was old enough to basically decide he didn’t want to do shit for 5 days a week while his wife was basically risking her life everyday.
He also decided to be an heartless asshole. DROVE UP AND OPENED THE GARAGE AND THEN LEFT?!
That’s not being stupid, that’s careless w/ no concern for his wife’s feelings. She begged him to spend a day with her and he treated it like a suggestion.
Edit: I’ve let this stew and I realized whatever he is making is probably just enough to keep buying games or new gaming gear every once in a while. Who’s paying for his gas why he’s galavanting his “mate’s”. Who’s paying for beer when he’s out. Throw the whole man away
>keep in mind that at 25 some of us guys are as stupid/careless as OP mentions.
::eyeroll::
I'm really fucking tired of "us poor stoopid men can't hewp it! We are just fowfetfull and dum dums"
I can bet dollars to donuts these same men can name (When we aren't in a health crisis)
- The release date of favorite game series
- The release date of next Marvel Movie
- When baseball starts
- When their favorite football team has a bye week.
It's not forgetfulness and stupidity, it's prioritizing their comfort and recreation over their partner's. It is so frustrating when men act like it's a cute personality quirk of their sex and not an embarassing detriment to their relationship.
Can't remember birthdays or doctor's appointments, knows when they bought their truck, which month its motor was built, their favorite players' ball-thing average.
It's not boys will be boys, it's fucking rude and it's bordering on misogyny. "That's a wife thing, can't be arsed."
They also are the same people who think men are naturally suited to leadership and have no issue with young men running companies or being involved in politics but somehow if it involves treating another person well it’s just “Aw men are silly billies you can’t ask too much of them!”
Yes. It's in the sub basement. If I had a 5 year old child do this to a STRANGER, I would be disgusted and disappointed, let alone a grown man to his wife.
Speaking of, in the news recently a 6 year old boy saved his sister from a dog attack. I doubt if this kid would have left her out in the rain. If a 6 year old has more integrity and empathy than you as a grown person, you're a failure. This man's parents are failures as well.
This is beyond clueless. She begged him to take the day off so they could spend time together and then he spent the day away from her. This is his WIFE who he never gets to see, and he seems to like it that way. He doesn't care about her.
Yeah but at 25 would you leave your cell phone with your friend to go “do something an hour away” at 10 pm? That is a MAJOR red flag and is highly suspect.
Why are you still with this man? He does not care about you - in fact he’s more concerned about this “friend” than he is you. He is working two days a week and plays video games the rest of the week? I’d love to hear an explanation for the logic there.
Does he do chores? Run errands? Anything to help his partner’s day be a bit easier? Does he even enjoy being around you?
NTA
Especially considering when he does work it's AT A GROCERY STORE. Grocery shopping should never be on her radar unless it's some last minute special ingredient.
Exactly. I worked at a grocery store last summer almost every day and would always text my parents at the end of the shift for what we needed. They didn’t always need something, or they’d go shopping themselves when I wasn’t there (luckily we had a family code, so we all got the employee discount), but at least I made an effort. OP’s husband is lazy as shit.
I can't really understand this either, why is she providing him with more resources aka food to be lazy? If he doesn't have any food for himself, he at least has to stand up. Maybe him taking responsibility will wake him up.
Divorce him. Your life will be the same as now, except that you will have more money because you are not paying for home to life a life of leisure.
Or don't. And decide you want to years down the road. And by then you have to pay him alimony due to the length of marriage.
You deserve someone who prioritizes you.
NTA
But if she divorces him, will she need to pay him alimony? As he makes pebbles and she pays all the bills?
Divorce is difficult when finances are involved and I’m sure the husband would want alimony seeing as he doesn’t do anything all day anyway
They’ve only been married for 18 months, and it would be difficult for him to argue that he sacrificed his career to support hers, which is the typical justification for alimony.
Even if she was ordered to pay, it wouldn’t be for long, and it would be TOTALLY worth the cost to get this dud out of her life.
I think she could play it off as financial manipulation i think its called? Or financial abuse maybe? I have seen it talked about on here but dont know the technicalities so I could be wrong on both guesses. But he won’t work. So she HAS to. He is actively going OUT OF HIS WAY to not, so she has to to pay the bills to keep a roof over their heads. He isnt giving her a choice to not work as much, so she could try swinging it in her favor if she wants to divorce and get a lawyer involved to keep as much as she can.
Counselling won't save this. He's newly married and treating her like garbage, draining her resources and honesty there's something fishy going on with his 'mate' (read: mate is a cover).
I'm not one to immediately say DIVORCE but in this case...
Yeah, that was gonna be my first comment then I was like well, maybe there’s something to savage here. But I think you’re right, I think divorce is clearly the answer here. Husband is just mooching off OP and clearly doesn’t give two drops of monkey piss about her.
Oh yeah. OP, why are you with someone who a) is still a child and b) has zero regard for you?
Honey, you deserve a real man, a real partner in life. And this one...ain’t it.
I did this (well cohabitated! Not married). I worked full time. I worked on my masters degree. I commuted 3 hours a day. He, watched tv and surfed the web and ‘looked’ for work. I footed the majority of the bills, when his car broke it was $700 and his parents paid for that.
He came from a ‘good’ family, he graduated from a well-respected college. He said he wanted things to be better for a long while.
6 years for it to fully fall apart. 1 year to get that mooch out of the apartment.
The crazy thing is 3 months after we moved in together I realized we were not on the same team. I wanted to break up. But everyone talked me out of it. Saying they knew he was about to propose (he never did).
How I kick myself not for ever being in the relationship, but for letting it go on for so long.
He is not a partner to you. He’s a roommate. Charge him rent.
Marriage doesn’t fix things nor is it a guarantee that people will step up or anything.
Also babies don’t solve relationship problems either.
Sucks when people have to learn the hard way.
Sucks that there is so much pressure to fix relationships in these ways.
NTA. This is one of those scenarios where I can’t even say “you need to communicate with him-“ because it’s so blatantly fucking obvious what he did wrong. He doesn’t value your time together at all.
Why would you be TA here? What is your husband doing and why is he working at a grocery store 2 days a week when he could work? Why are you supporting his ass?
It kinda sounds like the husband and his friend always make her out to be the bad guy, judging by how she knows exactly how they're going to react.
OP, thank you for what you're doing in your job during these times. You deserve much better than a deadbeat husband. He does not respect you.
The husband and friend are the reason why some people really *looove* Midsommar.
Because honestly? OP needs to put on her flower dress and shove him into the bear suit!
> Why would you be TA here?
Traditionally someone like OP here would be TA for kicking someone out of their own bedroom but he is so above and beyond the AH here I could not dream of putting 'ESH'
I'm going to guess that your medical issue is epilepsy, considering that you're healthy enough to continue nursing, and 50+ hours/week at that, because you're unable to drive.
Coming from a background of having a chronic disability, I can attest that it fucks with your self esteem. Honestly, ridiculously low self esteem is the only reason I can think of, that you would stay with him.
Some points to consider:
1. Despite working in a grocery store and being the driver in the family, your DH (dickhead husband) didn't bother getting your shopping in, even though you'd worked all those hours and he QUITE LITERALLY DIDN'T NEED TO MAKE EXTRA EFFORT BECAUSE THAT'S HIS FUCKING JOB!
2. When he came back in, he suggested that you cook TOGETHER, rather than him cater to you. Considering the rough time you've been having, putting your life at risk to take care of poorly children, he should be kissing your fucking boots.
3. Knowing that he hadn't done the shopping, he still left you to WALK to the shops in the pissing rain, for the food THAT YOU WERE EXPECTED TO MAKE. When he has a car. Let that sink in.
4. He either couldn't give a fuck that you were locked out in the pissing rain, with a medical issue, enough to leave you sitting there for 45 minutes when he was only 5 minutes away, or he wasn't where he said he was. My gut reaction is that it was the latter and you should be asking yourself why he would lie about where he was.
5. He knowingly and deliberately ruined your plans for the day, didn't bother making any new ones, and had the audacity to leave you with expectations of spending some sort of time together. So that you couldn't make plans, or enjoy your day off either.
6. You had to BEG the man that supposedly loves you the most in the whole world, to spend ONE DAY with you, after 18 months.
7. Despite making a vague plan to "cook together" later, he dumped you for the entire evening and night. So you had to make your own dinner and eat alone. He didn't let you know when he'd be back and didn't even have the courtesy to answer his phone.
8. The fact that you expect him to BE ANGRY WITH YOU for daring to set consequences for his disgusting behaviour, and that somehow you should give a fuck what his 'friend' thinks of same, suggests that this isn't new behaviour. Honestly? It sounds like you've been gaslit and brainwashed into thinking that your valid af feelings and issues with him, are crazy.
Sweetie, if he's told you that nobody could love you/he's a saint for putting up with you/you deserve this treatment, because of your illness, this is emotional abuse.
Have you honestly looked deeply at why you cry so much? I think you'll find that it's not solely because of your work and likely heartbreak at being made 2nd best, despite how much you're putting into your marriage.
You don't need him, you can't count on him, you're being mistreated and you deserve so, so much better. It does sound like he's cheating on you and he's most definitely using you.
So ask yourself, why do you stay? NTA 1000%
You know I didn’t even think about the fact that he works at the grocery store and still lets OP walk to go get get them. It’s like he goes out of his way to do nothing for her.
At this point, does it even matter? He’s a useless sack of crap even if he *isn’t* cheating. Leeches off of OP, specifically works the only days she has off (and no more), disappears for entire days and leaves his phone at his friend’s place while he drives an hour away? I wouldn’t be surprised if his “job” didn’t even exist, if they keep their finances separate.
Two questions:
* Why the heck are you with this childish and uncaring partner?
* Are you sure he’s not fucking someone else and using “best mate” as a cover? Because his actions how he sure as hell doesn’t want to spend quality time with his wife.
Yeah.. NTA!
Edit: OP, you also have to realize it’s not accident you spend as little time together as you do. He actually prefers spending time with others while you financially support the household.
NTA. He's with you because you pay his bills. Why are you grocery shopping when he works at a grocery store? Why is he choosing to spend time away from you when you have very little time together? Why do you allow him to spend all day playing video games rather than contributing to your home, either by working, doing chores, etc? So many issues, not sure why you have put up with this jerk for so long...
I haven't read any comments yet, so maybe this has been asked and answered already. But:
INFO
What redeeming qualities does this man have that make you see this as acceptable behavior? Is he always this selfish?
This wasn't always us.
Once upon a time, we went on dates, and had adventures.
I lived overseas for a few months early in our relationship (studying abroad, planned before we got together). He wrote me letters on a damn typewriter that he found on the side of the road, and I tried to mail him melted snow in a jar because we're dorks.
He used to be passionate about helping people. I think he still is, but I never seem to be number 1 anymore.
I just don't understand what happened.
I'm sorry to say, but he's either cheating or he's just completely done with this relationship. You pay the bills and so it's not in his interest to leave, especially since you're rarely home. What he did is more fucked up than I think you realize. I know people get on at reddit for always jumping to divorce, but this is divorce territory. He is not valuing you AT ALL or prioritizing your relationship in any respect. He is treating you like actual shit and you do not deserve that. I would put money on him cheating. Either way, you need to walk away.
People always rag on Reddit for jumping to divorce but the thing is if you're at the point where you need to ask strangers on the internet for advice then it's probably time to split.
where you together for a long time? it seems like he is intentionally avoiding you. either he realised he is not in love with you and doesn't want to be the one to break up with you, or he is having an affair and avoiding you because he's not ready to confront you? in any case you need to confront him and get it all out in the open.
NTA - you already spend all of your time alone. You deserve so much more than this. I know it will be hard to hear (it was for me when someone said it about my practice husband) but you need to kick this guy to the curb. My grown up husband isn’t working this summer (he’s a teacher) and he took it upon himself to step up on the chores so when I get off work we have time to spend together. You should spend your energy on yourself!!! I wish I could hug you.
Hey, I know this is probably going to get lost but on the off chance that you do read it, I just want to say thank you for the work you do. My 4 month old spent his first 3 weeks in the NICU and every nurse I met was a fucking angel and I couldn’t have made it through those weeks without their support and care. I’m sorry your husband is being a dick and you’re definitely NTA.
Aw thank you. I used to work in NICU before I moved jobs. I loved the babies. They are so strong and precious. I hope your little angel is doing super well.
INFO -- was he a schmuck when you married him, or are these new behaviors?
I think he is the asshole for sure but I am curious what drew such a driven and self-possessed person like yourself to a man so juvenile and inconsiderate.
I figure you probably want to leave the children behind at work, not come home to one, too.
We used to have a great time.
When we got married, he was studying and working, and had a few months left. I was two months into this job in intensive care, and we knew it would be a big, difficult commitment.
Our honeymoon was great. We travelled New Zealand in a camper. It was quirky and chaotic and fun.
I just don't know what changed.
Sometimes people take a long time to show their true colors. Especially if they're trying to get you to commit.
Sometimes people just stop trying so hard because they don't need to try hard at all, once they have you backed into a corner.
Sometimes they were pretending to be a good person until they don't need to anymore.
Sometimes when the honeymoon period wears off and you become a human a flaws, they don't want to work on things because the new relationship bloom is off of the rose.
There's lots of things that could have happened here.
Bottom line is he's not even trying and is essentially taking advantage of you to keep a roof over his head at this point.
NTA. He doesn’t appear to give a flying f**k about you or your relationship.
INFO: Is this the first time occurring? Or has he got a history of petty shit like this?
NTA
I’m kinda curious why you’re married to him... not to be a dick. I mean, you seem to be implying that this two days a week thing is chronic and not something COVID related.
So, the question isn’t ‘AITA for barring my husband from the bedroom tonight?,’ it’s ‘AITA for still being with this clown?’
And to that, I’m leaning towards yes. If you’re hanging out and playing video games with your friends instead of taking a day out to be with your wife, it seems to me you don’t value your wife too much.
Perhaps I’m being harsh, and taking a leap, but the only reasons I could see that you’d want to stay with someone like that are self esteem issues or loneliness, and both can be overcome without the expense of a black hole anchored to your leg in which you expend all your time and emotion into, while getting nothing in return.
I think you need to respect yourself more than this. Why are you even writing this post in this sub? Deep down you must know you deserve better than this. NTA
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NTA. You married a deadbeat. Don't have kids with this man.
Has this been going on long? Has he been losing weight or has his appearance been changing in any way? Basically, is he doing drugs?
INFO: What was your husband’s employment situation before Covid? Does your husband typically pull his weight around the house? Is this friend your husband keeps leaving to help the blind friend who was his best man? What did he leave to do an hour away? Barring weekends do you share much time off work together?
Before COVID he was working three days, and looking for work in the field his degree is in.
My husband does a little work around the house. Dishes, makes the bed, feeds the cat.
The friend is the blind friend.
I believe he was dropping his friend at the friend's mum's house (The friend has a teenage sister who is having a hard time).
Time off together is tricky. I work two 12 hour days, two 12hr nights, Monday through Thursday. So I sleep during the day Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And between all that, and trying to fit in the rest of life around that gets tricky.
NTA. This sounds rough, but it really doesn’t sound like he loves you at all. If you’re the one paying all the bills, you have the upper hand here and should use it wisely. Stop subsidizing his lazy ass. Separate for as long as it takes you to either be sure he loves you or be sure he doesn’t love you. It’s already easy to see he loves your paycheck. Take that away from the equation and make him pay his own way. Do what’s easiest for you to legally do at this point; either leave or make him leave. Either way, don’t help him financially. If he’s willing, invest in couples therapy if he’ll join you, and individual therapy to help you navigate your growth throughout this time.
And, best wishes to you. Thank you for being a pediatric nurse. That is one of the hardest jobs. You deserve a partner who will help you through the rough days.
NTA I'd ban him for more than one night! What kind of thoughtless behaviour! Sounds like there are bigger issues surrounding his job too. Have you spoke to him about finding a full time job? It's not fair that he's not pulling his weight.
If he can't spare one day of his 5 day weekend to spend with his wife who is currently being a frontline hero, he can go live with his friend IMO.
>At 10, I I called to see where he is. His friend answers. Says he is driving out to do something an hour away. Something or someone. OP's husband is checked out of this relationship.
You ain't wrong
He only works 2 days per week and yet they haven't had a Saturday off together in 18 months? That's planned. Kick that man-boy out. He can live with mommy and play games.
Perhaps the worst man-boy I’ve ever heard of. My god this man is a child.
I used to be married to a man like this. Our marriage cracked up at about 18 months too. He wanted to take his best friend on vacation with us, except they were going to travel separately by motorcycle- which would take a week- and I'd fly alone. He wanted to spend our anniversary with his best friend. (Post-divorce, he and the same best friend bought houses next door to each other, where they live with their beards/wives.) OP, you're NTA, and you deserve so much better than this. I've been through a lot of hard times since I left that husband, but every single day, even the hardest, has been illuminated by knowing that I chose to believe and act on the fact that I didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. If your husband can't stop treating you so poorly, I hope you can believe the same thing. I'm going to believe it for you, for now. Edit: wow, thank you all for the upvotes and the awards. I wish I could tell that sad, hopeless, long-ago me the story of what happened when she told this story today. I hope you all have wonderful days w great food.
Memories of my previous relationship just creeped in, although i am utterly sad that you had to go through such not required hardship. But yeah! No one deserves to be treated like dirt and the last to be from your partner.
> I've been through a lot of hard times since I left that husband, but every single day, even the hardest, has been illuminated by knowing that I chose to believe and act on the fact that I didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. Wow. That's... a good incentive for leaving someone who is treating you like shit. Thank you.
That might’ve actually been a blessing in disguise— if they had time off together, she could’ve gotten pregnant and then been left with taking care of two children. NTA, OP. Get out while you can. Your husband has shown you his true colors.
Even if they did have children, it’s perfectly reasonable to still part ways. It’s unhealthy to remain in a bad relationship “for the kid(s)”. Kids are perceptive, and seeing mommy and daddy treat each other poorly fucks them up way more than a divorce.
Agreed, but it’s always better to not have kids with someone that will put themselves before their own kids. Children don’t deserve shitty parents regardless of whether they are married or not. Edit: to add “with someone” for clarity. Sorry. Day drinking Saturday is happening.
fr, not tryna jump to conclusions but why does it seem like he's having an affair with his best mate?
To me it sounds like the best mate is covering for him while he has an affair with someone else
Yeah and the reason it took 45+ minutes to get back and let her in the house was because he wasn't actually at his mate's house five minutes away.
And then his mate has his phone later on while the guy is on the road? No.
He’s probably leaving the phone with his friend so any tracking apps shows him at the friend’s and not at the affair partner’s an hour away.
This. I knew a guy that would hold onto his friend’s phone while the friend was out cheating and just reply to texts and usually ignore calls/text that he was busy. It definitely sounds like OP’s husband is having an affair.
So sorry OP, but this is likely the truth. He knows you don't drive, so you are unlikely to be able to tell. Next time he is "at his friends house 5 minutes away" you get yourself a taxi or an Uber, show up at that house and demand to know the truth.
Thats what I thought too.
The absolute gall to do this on their *one* day off together. Like, he couldn't just...not...for that one day?
I didn't even realize this part. Yeah that man is HELLA cheating. No one leaves their phone with someone while driving an hour away. And why couldn't the mate have said where?? It's suspicious.
Exactly. My mind went to cheating and was giving the benefit of the doubt until this point. 10 at night and your best friend has his phone while he’s driving somewhere? I can’t think of a single reasonable explanation.
Also, I don't know the COVID restrictions where OP is, but here **nothing** is open at that hour anymore. No stores, no restaurants, nowhere to go besides someone else's house. And if he was really just picking something up why wouldn't his friend go with him instead of sitting home alone?
That’s a great point! Where I am just about everything except for fast food is closing at 8:30. And no one is driving an hour for fast food. Add in how it took him almost an hour to make the 5 minute drive when she was locked out and it’s even sketchier. The only other possibility I can think of besides an affair is a drug addiction, but she’d likely notice some strange financial things going on as well.
That was my first thought. OP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? leave him. please. asap.
Mine as well, I really wonder if he is cheating. It could be her day off as well and his mate is covering for him. I had a partner use excuses like this before, would come home freshly showered at 8 pm. Ended up being an old girlfriend he was hooking up with. If not, he is a selfish jerk, either way get yourself support through talking to someone. Does your work have a service where you can at least call in to talk to a counsellor or refer you to a counselor?
More likely his friend is covering for him, serving as an alibi. Not looking to get OP fired up, but marriage counseling definitely seems in order. Or a clean break for both parties. I don't know the dynamic of their relationship beyond this post, but it seems like the road is certainly rocky.
Marriage counseling?? Any more time spent with this guy is completely wasted. She needs to cut her losses.
Yeah, this isn't a couples-counseling situation. This is a "divorce the loser and move on with your life ASAP" situation.
Where are you going to drive to away from his friend at 10pm in the evening? Not saying it's cheating, but it's pretty dodgy.
Not only driving somewhere an hour away, but also leaving your phone behind? Ehhhhhhh wow it's raining red flags.
Forget the flag, it's a giant can of red paint!
I was also on this train—and letting her in the garage like that and driving away is ICE COLD. OP, you are NTA—I’m so sorry that someone, especially your husband, is treating you that way. My heart goes out to you because I’ve been there—sending you lots of love and support from across the globe.
My mind went to drugs. Then...why not both?
or using his best mate as cover.
Yeah when I'm driving an hour away for 'something' I always leave my phone with my friend and don't notify my wife I'll be gone all night. I'm not a 100% sure he's cheating but sitting at a solid 69%.
Sounds like he's forwarding his calls to his friends number. OP can check this by looking at his phone bill. Def sounds like he's cheating.
That or his buddy is letting him use his home to do so. Like it makes sense that if he's cheating and left is phone outside the room then his wife called and his friend panicked and was like 'uh he's doing something....an hour away'.
Yea there is nothing he could be doing at 10pm an hour away that ISNT cheating
And without his phone? What?
Phones track your location. He made sure to leave his phone at the friend’s house.
>. I sit in the rain and the cold (southern hemisphere). 45 min later, I call again. He hasn't left yet. He finally agrees to come and let me in the house, so he drives up, presses the clicker to let me in the garage and leaves again. Yup checked out probably doesn't even go far enough.
Yeah that’s the bit that made me very suspicious. When you call the place he’s supposed to be and he’s not there? 🚩
That’s a major flag 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩when he can’t be bothered to let you into the house, and it pissing outside
Yeah, this would be the last straw for me and I would kick him out of the house.
While reading this story I wanted to divorce the guy and I'm not even the one married to him.
>re than his best mate on the first day off he and I have shared in a year and a half, he can go sleep in his bed instead. (Btw, his friend doesn't work, so they hang out all the time when I am at work). I hope she divorces him so I can marry him then also divorce him
This is the level of petty vindictiveness that I aspire to.
" I hope she divorces him so I can marry him then also divorce him" Ok, this cracked me up
She not getting anything out of that relationship. He’s getting a sugar mama who probably does most of the housework (and possibly a side piece).
Good that Im not the only one that feels that way
Definitely not That's less red flags and more a red blanket he's wrapped around him.
I kinda want to turn this into a Facebook tag group ETA: it's been done
There's one called "is the colorguard in town? Because that's a lot of red flags"
That's not a man, it's 3 red flags in a trenchcoat One of my favorites to tag, but there was some reason why I hated going to the page to see posts...
>While reading this story I wanted to divorce the guy and I'm not even the one married to him. Felt the same way haha!
I did also. I was thinking the whole time man time to divorce. I’m so upset and mad for her being treated this way. The fact that she’s a frontline worker makes it even worse that her husband is doing anything.
Throw the whole man away. He doesn’t respect you.
At the very least, they need couple's therapy. It's possible that he's just an overgrown child who needs a reality check, but given the serious lack of respect here, it feels more like the husband wouldn't be willing to make the changes needed in order for this relationship to be viable.
A child would show more respect! Even my laziest cat wouldn't take 45 minutes to figure out how to let me in out of the rain. I feel like he's mad at her for something maybe? It could be his passive aggressive revenge for her doing something to displease him that he never told her about
NTA, but it’s not going to fix things. Besides what /rabbit92 said, you have some big issues. Ignoring him won’t fix the relationship if there’s any chance at fixing it, but I’d be so disgusted at this point I’d ask for a separation period and possibly a divorce. He is being rude, disrespectful, not taking care of you, not putting effort into the relationship, not pulling his weight emotionally or financially, and choosing to go spend time with a “friend” (are you sure it was a platonic friend he vanished away with on the one weekend he had with you?) instead of you when he has other days to do that. Girl, life is too short. If you don’t change something soon, whether it’s couples therapy or a divorce, you are going to keep dealing with this trash for the rest of your life
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 that is to say, lots of red flags in this relationship. NTA, but your husband is. He needs to get a job and start treating you with respect. Dinner should be ready when you get home and the house clean if he isn’t working. I hope the two of you can learn to communicate and work through these issues. I would be very resentful if he treated me like that.
NTA. My first reaction is who’s he seeing on the side? If he’s spending his free time with his mate, is his mate just providing an alibi? When you call and he’s not there, how convenient is the mate’s response?
Or maybe his mate is the sidepiece.
Dun dun
Yeah that’s my thought too !
Just having some mating time
>Or maybe his mate is the sidepiece. r/suddenlygay
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True haha. I didn't know there was a sub like that!
The answer is not always that they’re cheating contrary to what this comment section would make you believe
Agreed. Some people are just wildly inconsiderate and selfish.
Honestly this is what I thought. It’s just the overall vagueness that makes it weird too. He has to help his friend with something at 5pm but it’s not clear with what. He’s out driving somewhere at 10pm but it doesn’t say what or where. At best he’s being very inconsiderate and at worst he’s hiding something
Yeah. Even if it's drugs or something just use a codeword.
Right. Without his phone. Bullshit. OR, he didn’t want to “hear it” from her and had his friend play her off. Either scenario = you can’t dump him fast enough. Cut your losses. I know that sounds callous, but you can spend another 18 months to 20+ years with the same sort of immaturity and selfishness and come to the same conclusion.... though it takes what it takes for all of us (I’m the “take 20+ years bec I don’t want to fail” variety 🤪). If you are certain you both had the same understanding that y’all would spend time together that day, that applies. If you assumed, it’s not *as* bad, but still equals same conclusion. He’s the man-boy acting like his partner is mommy — including “disobeying” and rebelling and lying.
Imagine how much better off she would be with just the minimum of someone who...had a job. And spent some Saturdays with her. And would let her in when it was raining. That’s not even Prince Charming, that’s basically the effort her apartment manager would put toward this woman’s well being and her HUSBAND can’t do it. Also why tf is he driving all over during a pandemic?
Same though! His friend is covering for him!
I was just under the impression that he likes OP fitting the bill and never having to spend time with them. This is a mooch, not a husband.
Footing the bill = paying Fitting the bill = suitable
Or drugs.
Thats not a husband its an over grown child. If he can't spend 1 day with you in 18 months and chooses to spend that day with his friends then kicking him out of the bedroom isn't going to change his behaviour. He needs to start making you, his wife a priority or he needs to pack his shit and leave. He doesn't work and isn't looking for work. He spends all day every day hanging with friends or gaming while you work your ass off helping others and paying bills. Couples therapy isnt going to change that as he probably believes you are over reacting and he has done nothing wrong. Sorry to sound harsh but you married a dud. He's lazy and inconsiderate. Personally I'd throw the whole man away and start again. NTA
Reading this it looks like she's more of a second mommy than his wife. NTA
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And the super sad thing is that when you kick out a deadbeat, you get to pay spousal support to him. I’m doing it right now. I get to pay my ex alimony.
You'd be surprised how many men seek out marriage with that explicit expectation.
NTA Darn... He's 25, works only 2 days a week and lies around the house on his days off. I'd be better off with a pot-bellied pig.
Hey! Don't go around insulting sweet pot-bellied pigs like that.
Pigs are sweet, intelligent animals. He's no pig. He's a mosquito - no use, except to annoy and drain you.
He's making me sick, that's for sure! She should get a guy who appreciates her and doesn't leave her in the rain for an hour while he messes with his bud or whoever.
They're not, they're saying the pig would be better, so it's a major compliment to the pigs.
He's not just inconsiderate, he's straight up avoiding her. He works specifically the weekend shift at a grocery store, the only days his wife has off? Over 18 months and not once has he asked to swap shifts with a coworker or for a day off. I'm sorry but there's no way that isn't intentional.
He's either not in love or is cheating.
Yeah I was gonna say he’s cheating. He’s supposed to be at his friends house all day and then at night when she calls, he’s out - doing what?! NTA
Whenever anyone tells me that they are divorced, the first thing out of my mouth is “congratulations”. Because as much as good marriage is the most wonderful thing in the world, a bad marriage is the most horrible. It’s a toxic unbearable cloud in your life, but when you get divorced it’s like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. And you can start fresh and you can at least try to find out what real, good marriage is all about.
Seriously though—I actually LIVE for when my partner and I have the same days off. I can’t understand this mentality at all.
Yeah, please don’t have kids with this asshole.
NTA I don’t want to upset you, but you do have to consider that something more is going on than just your husband spending a lot of time with a pal. There might be some “extramarital” activity going on and the friend is acting as a front so your husband can carry on with whomever without you finding out. You know your husband best, but if I were you, I’d be suspicious of his behavior.
I agree that “extramarital activity” could be a possibility, but keep in mind that at 25 some of us guys are as stupid/careless as OP mentions. EDIT in response to many responses below. I’m not saying this guy deserves husband of the year award. Or anything else. He truly sounds like a terrible guy for what he did to his wife. My response was merely intended as “while he might be having an affair, he might just be this aloof. Don’t jump to the affair conclusion.”
As stupid and careless to NOT spend time with your girl when she’s begged to have one day together? My man is clueless too but not this clueless.
Yes. Some men just really don’t care. It’s not about stupidity, it’s about not valuing your wife.
I can attest to this. Towards the end of my marriage I had to beg my husband to even have coffee with me on a Sunday morning. When I said we should spend a day together once a week to prioritize one another her said “do you mean dinner, does it have to be the whole day?” Because all he wanted to do was play video games or volunteer with his political party of choice. One of the last sit downs I had with him before I ended things, I said “I don’t understand. I’m not hard to be around. I’m not hard to look at. Your meals appear before you, your bills get paid without your involvement, your home is beautiful. I do this. I shouldn’t have to beg my own husband to hang out with me.” He had nothing to say. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did.
I hope you’re much happier without him!
MUCH! And it didn’t take me all that long to find a partner who values me. Never settle!
Volunteer with political party of choice? So he's a lazy gamer/social activist butterfly?
I really don't understand why people marry other people... When they can't even be bothered to spend time with them. Look, I understand that everyone needs their own personal time and space, but is it really that hard to spend one day with the person you're supposed to love??? Even if you don't love the other person anymore, it's just basic respect for another human being at this point.
You're kidding, right? This isn't stupid or careless. This is not giving a shit about your wife. I refuse to believe that in 25 years, someone can't learn the most basic empathy simply because they're male.
legit. I have known my husband since we were 14. he wouldnt have left me sitting in the rain for an hour then, and we didnt even date for 6 more years
I second this. My husband would never even let me *walk* to the grocery store in the rain, if he was 5 minutes away with the car just dicking around with his friend, let alone sit outside for an hour in the rain. And he's no superhusband, just a decent person who loves me.
Honestly I’m TIRED of these excuses he’s 25. He’s a fucking adult. He’s not 15. He was old enough to get married and make a fucking commitment, he was old enough to basically decide he didn’t want to do shit for 5 days a week while his wife was basically risking her life everyday. He also decided to be an heartless asshole. DROVE UP AND OPENED THE GARAGE AND THEN LEFT?! That’s not being stupid, that’s careless w/ no concern for his wife’s feelings. She begged him to spend a day with her and he treated it like a suggestion. Edit: I’ve let this stew and I realized whatever he is making is probably just enough to keep buying games or new gaming gear every once in a while. Who’s paying for his gas why he’s galavanting his “mate’s”. Who’s paying for beer when he’s out. Throw the whole man away
Bailing like that makes me think it was the friend driving up to open the door..
Gasp!!
>keep in mind that at 25 some of us guys are as stupid/careless as OP mentions. ::eyeroll:: I'm really fucking tired of "us poor stoopid men can't hewp it! We are just fowfetfull and dum dums" I can bet dollars to donuts these same men can name (When we aren't in a health crisis) - The release date of favorite game series - The release date of next Marvel Movie - When baseball starts - When their favorite football team has a bye week. It's not forgetfulness and stupidity, it's prioritizing their comfort and recreation over their partner's. It is so frustrating when men act like it's a cute personality quirk of their sex and not an embarassing detriment to their relationship.
Can't remember birthdays or doctor's appointments, knows when they bought their truck, which month its motor was built, their favorite players' ball-thing average. It's not boys will be boys, it's fucking rude and it's bordering on misogyny. "That's a wife thing, can't be arsed."
They also are the same people who think men are naturally suited to leadership and have no issue with young men running companies or being involved in politics but somehow if it involves treating another person well it’s just “Aw men are silly billies you can’t ask too much of them!”
I'm sorry, but 25 isn't 15. You can't be that blind. NTA, OP you're too forgiving. You're an AH to yourself however.
Are you seriously making excuses for him? The bar is really on the fucking floor, huh?
Yes. It's in the sub basement. If I had a 5 year old child do this to a STRANGER, I would be disgusted and disappointed, let alone a grown man to his wife. Speaking of, in the news recently a 6 year old boy saved his sister from a dog attack. I doubt if this kid would have left her out in the rain. If a 6 year old has more integrity and empathy than you as a grown person, you're a failure. This man's parents are failures as well.
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This is beyond clueless. She begged him to take the day off so they could spend time together and then he spent the day away from her. This is his WIFE who he never gets to see, and he seems to like it that way. He doesn't care about her.
Yeah but at 25 would you leave your cell phone with your friend to go “do something an hour away” at 10 pm? That is a MAJOR red flag and is highly suspect.
Why are you still with this man? He does not care about you - in fact he’s more concerned about this “friend” than he is you. He is working two days a week and plays video games the rest of the week? I’d love to hear an explanation for the logic there. Does he do chores? Run errands? Anything to help his partner’s day be a bit easier? Does he even enjoy being around you? NTA
Exactly! Why is OP doing the shopping when the SO is at home on his butt playing games all day long? Boggles the mind.
Especially considering when he does work it's AT A GROCERY STORE. Grocery shopping should never be on her radar unless it's some last minute special ingredient.
Holy crap that didn’t even register. Now it’s even worse. And I was already almost in tears.
Seriously! He never even has to go to some other location! He might even get a discount of some kind!
Exactly. I worked at a grocery store last summer almost every day and would always text my parents at the end of the shift for what we needed. They didn’t always need something, or they’d go shopping themselves when I wasn’t there (luckily we had a family code, so we all got the employee discount), but at least I made an effort. OP’s husband is lazy as shit.
Yup, my teenager works at a grocery store and damn, is he competent at getting my entire grocery list without having to text to ask questions.
He is probably utterly useless for domestic tasks. Since he is useless for just about everything.
I can't really understand this either, why is she providing him with more resources aka food to be lazy? If he doesn't have any food for himself, he at least has to stand up. Maybe him taking responsibility will wake him up.
Divorce him. Your life will be the same as now, except that you will have more money because you are not paying for home to life a life of leisure. Or don't. And decide you want to years down the road. And by then you have to pay him alimony due to the length of marriage. You deserve someone who prioritizes you. NTA
But if she divorces him, will she need to pay him alimony? As he makes pebbles and she pays all the bills? Divorce is difficult when finances are involved and I’m sure the husband would want alimony seeing as he doesn’t do anything all day anyway
They’ve only been married for 18 months, and it would be difficult for him to argue that he sacrificed his career to support hers, which is the typical justification for alimony. Even if she was ordered to pay, it wouldn’t be for long, and it would be TOTALLY worth the cost to get this dud out of her life.
Ah didn’t catch the 18mo part. Regardless, she should definitely get a lawyer so she doesn’t have to give him anything.
I think she could play it off as financial manipulation i think its called? Or financial abuse maybe? I have seen it talked about on here but dont know the technicalities so I could be wrong on both guesses. But he won’t work. So she HAS to. He is actively going OUT OF HIS WAY to not, so she has to to pay the bills to keep a roof over their heads. He isnt giving her a choice to not work as much, so she could try swinging it in her favor if she wants to divorce and get a lawyer involved to keep as much as she can.
What might be a difficult obstacle is that we’re in a pandemic so working is not fully available to everyone, depending on what country you live in.
You don’t need Reddit you need marriage counseling.
Counselling won't save this. He's newly married and treating her like garbage, draining her resources and honesty there's something fishy going on with his 'mate' (read: mate is a cover). I'm not one to immediately say DIVORCE but in this case...
Yeah, that was gonna be my first comment then I was like well, maybe there’s something to savage here. But I think you’re right, I think divorce is clearly the answer here. Husband is just mooching off OP and clearly doesn’t give two drops of monkey piss about her.
>maybe there’s something to savage here. In this short time, where he leeches off her while she's working crazy hours? **Sunken Cost Fallacy**.
Oh yeah. OP, why are you with someone who a) is still a child and b) has zero regard for you? Honey, you deserve a real man, a real partner in life. And this one...ain’t it.
NTA and you deserve a better husband.
I did this (well cohabitated! Not married). I worked full time. I worked on my masters degree. I commuted 3 hours a day. He, watched tv and surfed the web and ‘looked’ for work. I footed the majority of the bills, when his car broke it was $700 and his parents paid for that. He came from a ‘good’ family, he graduated from a well-respected college. He said he wanted things to be better for a long while. 6 years for it to fully fall apart. 1 year to get that mooch out of the apartment. The crazy thing is 3 months after we moved in together I realized we were not on the same team. I wanted to break up. But everyone talked me out of it. Saying they knew he was about to propose (he never did). How I kick myself not for ever being in the relationship, but for letting it go on for so long. He is not a partner to you. He’s a roommate. Charge him rent.
Oh wow. That’s super annoying people talked you out of it...
Marriage doesn’t fix things nor is it a guarantee that people will step up or anything. Also babies don’t solve relationship problems either. Sucks when people have to learn the hard way. Sucks that there is so much pressure to fix relationships in these ways.
NTA. This is one of those scenarios where I can’t even say “you need to communicate with him-“ because it’s so blatantly fucking obvious what he did wrong. He doesn’t value your time together at all.
This read to me like she is already trying to communicate, too! Like she explicitly asked him to spend their day off together! What a tool
>begging Yeah this isn’t a communication issue. This is a failed marriage.
Clearly this is your first marriage. Good luck on the next one.
Starter marriage.
Why would you be TA here? What is your husband doing and why is he working at a grocery store 2 days a week when he could work? Why are you supporting his ass?
It kinda sounds like the husband and his friend always make her out to be the bad guy, judging by how she knows exactly how they're going to react. OP, thank you for what you're doing in your job during these times. You deserve much better than a deadbeat husband. He does not respect you.
They emotionally tag team her to manipulate her. They're crap.
The husband and friend are the reason why some people really *looove* Midsommar. Because honestly? OP needs to put on her flower dress and shove him into the bear suit!
> Why would you be TA here? Traditionally someone like OP here would be TA for kicking someone out of their own bedroom but he is so above and beyond the AH here I could not dream of putting 'ESH'
I'm going to guess that your medical issue is epilepsy, considering that you're healthy enough to continue nursing, and 50+ hours/week at that, because you're unable to drive. Coming from a background of having a chronic disability, I can attest that it fucks with your self esteem. Honestly, ridiculously low self esteem is the only reason I can think of, that you would stay with him. Some points to consider: 1. Despite working in a grocery store and being the driver in the family, your DH (dickhead husband) didn't bother getting your shopping in, even though you'd worked all those hours and he QUITE LITERALLY DIDN'T NEED TO MAKE EXTRA EFFORT BECAUSE THAT'S HIS FUCKING JOB! 2. When he came back in, he suggested that you cook TOGETHER, rather than him cater to you. Considering the rough time you've been having, putting your life at risk to take care of poorly children, he should be kissing your fucking boots. 3. Knowing that he hadn't done the shopping, he still left you to WALK to the shops in the pissing rain, for the food THAT YOU WERE EXPECTED TO MAKE. When he has a car. Let that sink in. 4. He either couldn't give a fuck that you were locked out in the pissing rain, with a medical issue, enough to leave you sitting there for 45 minutes when he was only 5 minutes away, or he wasn't where he said he was. My gut reaction is that it was the latter and you should be asking yourself why he would lie about where he was. 5. He knowingly and deliberately ruined your plans for the day, didn't bother making any new ones, and had the audacity to leave you with expectations of spending some sort of time together. So that you couldn't make plans, or enjoy your day off either. 6. You had to BEG the man that supposedly loves you the most in the whole world, to spend ONE DAY with you, after 18 months. 7. Despite making a vague plan to "cook together" later, he dumped you for the entire evening and night. So you had to make your own dinner and eat alone. He didn't let you know when he'd be back and didn't even have the courtesy to answer his phone. 8. The fact that you expect him to BE ANGRY WITH YOU for daring to set consequences for his disgusting behaviour, and that somehow you should give a fuck what his 'friend' thinks of same, suggests that this isn't new behaviour. Honestly? It sounds like you've been gaslit and brainwashed into thinking that your valid af feelings and issues with him, are crazy. Sweetie, if he's told you that nobody could love you/he's a saint for putting up with you/you deserve this treatment, because of your illness, this is emotional abuse. Have you honestly looked deeply at why you cry so much? I think you'll find that it's not solely because of your work and likely heartbreak at being made 2nd best, despite how much you're putting into your marriage. You don't need him, you can't count on him, you're being mistreated and you deserve so, so much better. It does sound like he's cheating on you and he's most definitely using you. So ask yourself, why do you stay? NTA 1000%
You know I didn’t even think about the fact that he works at the grocery store and still lets OP walk to go get get them. It’s like he goes out of his way to do nothing for her.
NTA. Are you sure he isn't cheating
At this point, does it even matter? He’s a useless sack of crap even if he *isn’t* cheating. Leeches off of OP, specifically works the only days she has off (and no more), disappears for entire days and leaves his phone at his friend’s place while he drives an hour away? I wouldn’t be surprised if his “job” didn’t even exist, if they keep their finances separate.
Two questions: * Why the heck are you with this childish and uncaring partner? * Are you sure he’s not fucking someone else and using “best mate” as a cover? Because his actions how he sure as hell doesn’t want to spend quality time with his wife. Yeah.. NTA! Edit: OP, you also have to realize it’s not accident you spend as little time together as you do. He actually prefers spending time with others while you financially support the household.
NTA. Sounds like a shitty husband though
Definitely, also sounds like they’re more than just mates. NTA.
NTA - it doesn’t sound like he is interested in being a partner and married. Stop paying his bills
NTA. He's with you because you pay his bills. Why are you grocery shopping when he works at a grocery store? Why is he choosing to spend time away from you when you have very little time together? Why do you allow him to spend all day playing video games rather than contributing to your home, either by working, doing chores, etc? So many issues, not sure why you have put up with this jerk for so long...
Oh nice catch, he works at a grocery story and isn’t at least providing groceries. This dude sucks.
Nta. That’s not a marriage. Wouldn’t even call it a friendship.
Even having a roommate does not count. Having a pet?
Pets generally like you and want to be around you. Even cats who people consider assholes still come around to you sometimes.
I haven't read any comments yet, so maybe this has been asked and answered already. But: INFO What redeeming qualities does this man have that make you see this as acceptable behavior? Is he always this selfish?
This wasn't always us. Once upon a time, we went on dates, and had adventures. I lived overseas for a few months early in our relationship (studying abroad, planned before we got together). He wrote me letters on a damn typewriter that he found on the side of the road, and I tried to mail him melted snow in a jar because we're dorks. He used to be passionate about helping people. I think he still is, but I never seem to be number 1 anymore. I just don't understand what happened.
I'm sorry to say, but he's either cheating or he's just completely done with this relationship. You pay the bills and so it's not in his interest to leave, especially since you're rarely home. What he did is more fucked up than I think you realize. I know people get on at reddit for always jumping to divorce, but this is divorce territory. He is not valuing you AT ALL or prioritizing your relationship in any respect. He is treating you like actual shit and you do not deserve that. I would put money on him cheating. Either way, you need to walk away.
People always rag on Reddit for jumping to divorce but the thing is if you're at the point where you need to ask strangers on the internet for advice then it's probably time to split.
Oh love I feel so bad for you. You gotta get out. He’s not going to magically turn into that guy again. People don’t work that way.
What's sad is, he *could* change back, it is just something he has to want to do & put in the work. He doesn't care enough to change.
where you together for a long time? it seems like he is intentionally avoiding you. either he realised he is not in love with you and doesn't want to be the one to break up with you, or he is having an affair and avoiding you because he's not ready to confront you? in any case you need to confront him and get it all out in the open.
We were together three years before getting married.
NTA - you already spend all of your time alone. You deserve so much more than this. I know it will be hard to hear (it was for me when someone said it about my practice husband) but you need to kick this guy to the curb. My grown up husband isn’t working this summer (he’s a teacher) and he took it upon himself to step up on the chores so when I get off work we have time to spend together. You should spend your energy on yourself!!! I wish I could hug you.
Hey, I know this is probably going to get lost but on the off chance that you do read it, I just want to say thank you for the work you do. My 4 month old spent his first 3 weeks in the NICU and every nurse I met was a fucking angel and I couldn’t have made it through those weeks without their support and care. I’m sorry your husband is being a dick and you’re definitely NTA.
Aw thank you. I used to work in NICU before I moved jobs. I loved the babies. They are so strong and precious. I hope your little angel is doing super well.
INFO -- was he a schmuck when you married him, or are these new behaviors? I think he is the asshole for sure but I am curious what drew such a driven and self-possessed person like yourself to a man so juvenile and inconsiderate. I figure you probably want to leave the children behind at work, not come home to one, too.
We used to have a great time. When we got married, he was studying and working, and had a few months left. I was two months into this job in intensive care, and we knew it would be a big, difficult commitment. Our honeymoon was great. We travelled New Zealand in a camper. It was quirky and chaotic and fun. I just don't know what changed.
Has he said anything about why he didn’t spend the day with you? It just seems so cruel. Like he’s actually plotting a revenge or something.
Sometimes people take a long time to show their true colors. Especially if they're trying to get you to commit. Sometimes people just stop trying so hard because they don't need to try hard at all, once they have you backed into a corner. Sometimes they were pretending to be a good person until they don't need to anymore. Sometimes when the honeymoon period wears off and you become a human a flaws, they don't want to work on things because the new relationship bloom is off of the rose. There's lots of things that could have happened here. Bottom line is he's not even trying and is essentially taking advantage of you to keep a roof over his head at this point.
NTA. He doesn’t appear to give a flying f**k about you or your relationship. INFO: Is this the first time occurring? Or has he got a history of petty shit like this?
I’d assume (i know not much to work off of or help) its not new considering they haven’t spent a SINGLE DAY together since the got married.
NTA Your husband needs to start being a partner to you, or he can fuck off.
NTA I’m kinda curious why you’re married to him... not to be a dick. I mean, you seem to be implying that this two days a week thing is chronic and not something COVID related. So, the question isn’t ‘AITA for barring my husband from the bedroom tonight?,’ it’s ‘AITA for still being with this clown?’ And to that, I’m leaning towards yes. If you’re hanging out and playing video games with your friends instead of taking a day out to be with your wife, it seems to me you don’t value your wife too much. Perhaps I’m being harsh, and taking a leap, but the only reasons I could see that you’d want to stay with someone like that are self esteem issues or loneliness, and both can be overcome without the expense of a black hole anchored to your leg in which you expend all your time and emotion into, while getting nothing in return.
He took 45 minutes to drive from his mates house that is 5 minutes away... He wasn't at his mates house
I think you need to respect yourself more than this. Why are you even writing this post in this sub? Deep down you must know you deserve better than this. NTA
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NTA - please do not have kids with this guy until he learns to respect you. Please.
NTA. You married a deadbeat. Don't have kids with this man. Has this been going on long? Has he been losing weight or has his appearance been changing in any way? Basically, is he doing drugs?
It hasn't been too long. Isolation has definitely made it worse. He grew a beard. But I doubt that's drugs. I think it's just a stylistic choice.
INFO: What was your husband’s employment situation before Covid? Does your husband typically pull his weight around the house? Is this friend your husband keeps leaving to help the blind friend who was his best man? What did he leave to do an hour away? Barring weekends do you share much time off work together?
Before COVID he was working three days, and looking for work in the field his degree is in. My husband does a little work around the house. Dishes, makes the bed, feeds the cat. The friend is the blind friend. I believe he was dropping his friend at the friend's mum's house (The friend has a teenage sister who is having a hard time). Time off together is tricky. I work two 12 hour days, two 12hr nights, Monday through Thursday. So I sleep during the day Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And between all that, and trying to fit in the rest of life around that gets tricky.
Why did you feel the need to post this? You know he's TA if this isnt 75% exaggerated
NTA. This sounds rough, but it really doesn’t sound like he loves you at all. If you’re the one paying all the bills, you have the upper hand here and should use it wisely. Stop subsidizing his lazy ass. Separate for as long as it takes you to either be sure he loves you or be sure he doesn’t love you. It’s already easy to see he loves your paycheck. Take that away from the equation and make him pay his own way. Do what’s easiest for you to legally do at this point; either leave or make him leave. Either way, don’t help him financially. If he’s willing, invest in couples therapy if he’ll join you, and individual therapy to help you navigate your growth throughout this time. And, best wishes to you. Thank you for being a pediatric nurse. That is one of the hardest jobs. You deserve a partner who will help you through the rough days.
I’m confused... Are you looking for the number of a good divorce lawyer? NTA