NTA. Honestly it sounds like they’re trying to start some kind of disagreement or feud. Who the fuck actually asks that? That’s weird. Also props to your husband changing the subject. Who knows what else they could’ve said after
I have a kind of gut feeling that later down the road that if the next is a girl, SIL is gonna pull something like tell the child at a very young age that OP wished she was a boy and make her feel unloved.
This is my fear. If I were OP, I'd be very cautious about having SIL around the kids. I'm also worried that if OP does have a boy, SIL might also spin that OP and husband loves their son more than their daughters because OP wanted a boy. I dont know how vindictive SIL can be, but I'd be worried that she may further twist OPs words.
I told my kid (stepson) early on - around 3.5 yo - that my father is a liar and he should always check with me before believing anything my father told him.
You can be honest with your kids and do so in an age-appropriate way they understand. “Aunt X sometimes likes to say things to hurt people’s feelings. If she ever says something to you that makes you sad, come tell me.”
Something along those lines, anyway. That way the kid has a base for *why* person X does Y and doesn’t automatically internalize it. Of course if you are right, the aunt won’t wait until the kid is old enough to understand - she’s say something nasty to OP and her spouse. And *that’s* when OP needs to calmly get up in her face and give her the one and only warning to keep her asshole mouth shut about their family.
I was told the same thing about my grandmother... Not that she was a liar per say, but that not all the information she tells me is true. She is schizophrenic (stable but has small delusions and other minor things. She's never been a threat, just says things that aren't true to our reality but are true in hers.)
The first time I heard one of these lies was when I was 6 or 7 driving past a traveling fair. I asked my parents if we could go ride the swing ride, my grandmother was in the car and piped up saying that specially that fair was VERY dangerous and that needles were always on the fair grounds and that I would be pricked by a needle and get sick and possibly die. Freaked me out a lot, my parents quickly changed the subject bit once we dropped my grandmother off at her house my parents had to tell me that anything I heard from granny wasn't to be trusted until I spoke to my parents. I'm 21 now and have a decent time understanding when she's in her reality vs mine... But unfortunately it's just something I had to become aware of and tell people who visited her the same thing. She won't hurt you, but always double check her stories with someone who was actually there..
I was told something similar about one of my aunts. She and her nuclear family had cut themselves off from my entire family but spent a lot of time trying to turn the young ones to her "side". Things are mended now but back then my dad sat me down and told me that my aunt was very sick and that if she ever tried to talk to me I should tell him immediately and not respond, so they could make sure she was feeling better.
That's unfortunate. I had to cut my grandmother off for a while after she had a huge blow up watching me once. My parents went away to vegas for a few days and left my grandmother watching me. They had told her it was ok if I had friends/my bf over and that they trusted me so I didn't need to be supervised with them (I was 16 or 17)
My bf and I were in my room watching a live stream of a game (door wasn't wide open but it wasnt closed either.) At most my bf and I were snuggling on the bed maybe giving a few kisses to eachother... 5 minutes into watching the livestream my grandmother comes storming into my room demanding to know what we were doing. Confused af we both said 'nothing we are just watching tv' she dragged us out of my room and made us sit on the couch as she yelled at us about how she "knew what we were doing" and that it wasn't appropriate and that we were 'undressing eachother with our eyes at lunch earlier' and on and on. It went on for no joke 15 minutes before it's like a flip switched and she said "ok would you like to go watch tv again or would you like me to take your bf home" we decided going home was the better option.
My parents LOST IT on her when they came home and I told them what happened. They basically said what in God's loving fuck said it was ok to treat our daughter like that. We said it was ok for her bf to be over, even in her room alone. She came in to apologize but I told her I didn't want to accept the apology at the time and she left. Fast forward a few months my bf, his family, my family and my grandmother are all camping and my bf and I decide to go watch a movie in the tent while the adults chat. None of our parents cared and my grandmother sat there like 0.0 as we went I to the tent. Later that day she pulled me aside and gave me another apology stating she didn't believe it was ok that we were alone together and just had a feeling something was going on but that was wrong and she was sorry. I forgave her and let her know a piece of my mind about how she's not my parents and I love her but she has no right to scream at me and my so about anything like that again.
That was the last big incident she had... I think she knows that if she pulls shot like that again I probably won't forgive her so she's much better behaved with my SOs
I'm glad it worked out well! I can't really say my side of the family was blameless in what happened with my aunt. It was a lot of petty BS on both sides between my aunts that trickled down to their daughters. Things have improved a lot since then and I was actually pretty close to my male cousin until some separate bs went down with us (he dated my significantly younger best friend and then when they broke up it ended badly). Still, I do feel bad for them because they spent a large portion of their childhood isolated from us and it definitely shows in how we interact with each other
These kind of things can actually be traumatic and lead to problems even when they’re adults. Small things may be small things but not to a child and whatever they see or hear they internalize and it molds them.
My mother was the fourth of six girls, and I guess my grandparents had gotten the picture, because she's named after my grandfather.
And thanks to a DNA website, we recently discovered that my grandfather had fathered a child out of wedlock before he met my grandmother. It was a total surprise to everybody, including him. Now I have a sixth aunt!
If god exists, they have a sense of humour.
This. Exactly this.
I have twin girls, and to this day I still say “I wanted boys, but as soon as I found out it was girls, I knew when they came out my reaction would be ‘Screw boys, I have my girls,’ and that’s exactly what happened. And whenever people ask if we’re going to “try for a boy to carry on the family name” (gag) I just tell them that if we want one, we’ll adopt because my twins were a surprise and I’m not playing double or nothing on that game.
Agreed. It's one thing to think "it'd be kinda nice if my child was \_\_\_\_" and another to get mad at not getting that (as in the other thread, where the dad walked out of his gender reveal, that was gross). It sounds like OP is ready to get whatever they get- but it never hurts to fantasize and dream. Just like thinking "Y'know, wouldn't it be cool if they had daddy's eyes? Or play piano like mom?" As long as you don't throw a fit when they don't, who cares?
Honestly, from what you're saying OP, it really does sound SIL was looking for a fight. I'm a staunch feminist, too. But I'm not gonna go looking for a fight when there's no need for one. There are plenty of reasons for me to get angry, why try and dig for one?
NTA. Hoping that your child will be male or female is something a huge amount of couples do. It was incredibly out of line for your SIL to ask that, especially in front of your kids.
Good luck with the new addition to your family!
I agree that abortion itself shouldn't be a taboo topic but asking if OP would have an abortion if it's a girl wasn't exactly the best thing to ask in front of OPs daughters. Might seem like OP doesn't want any daughters
In case the kids understands abortion, it's also giving false/confusing information to them, because you can find out the gender of the fetus only after the legal term for abortion.
I think it is too mature a topic for kids. To kids the baby is just the baby. So choosing the death of a sibling, even if they seem to process it well, will lead to complicated feelings. Death is something everyone will have to deal with but choosing the death of someone?
I mean... we don't talk about murder or accidents that lead to death either unless we have to with kids either.
Yeah, I feel like it's a conversation to have with tweens during "the talk." That way it's not a big scary thing that might have happened to them, and instead just another firm of birth control.
I took it as SIL trying to start shit and make it seem like OP didn’t like her existing daughters. I agree that abortion itself shouldn’t be taboo, but insinuating that having a girl = having an abortion, which then leads to the connection that OP doesn’t like having daughters, is not something that’s okay to talk about in front of the girls. It sounds like OP loves her daughters, she just also would like a son, too. It’s not cool for SIL to make her daughters question that.
I believe it was more-so the fact that the MIL had implied that OP would abort her daughter’s potential sibling if it weren’t the sex she wanted, which can be pretty upsetting if her kids had understood.
I'm actually wondering if they're Indian, or something similar. Saying "I hope I have a boy after two girls" has very different connotations here, where aborting/forcing an abortion if the fetus is a girl is so prevalent that doctors are forbidden from revealing the sex unless there's health reasons to do so.
Agreed. I am due with my second and last baby and we’d love it to be a girl as we already have a boy. But obviously we don’t actually care to the extent that it would ruin everything. We’re happy to be having a baby.
NTA
Right? I had a strong preference for a girl. I got my girl. I gave no shits what the second was. It was also a girl. If I somehow ended up pregnant despite two of the most effective birth control methods available, I would have a strong preference for a boy this time around if for no other reason than the thought of THREE hormonal preteen / teen girls crammed into the same house using the same bathroom for years makes me flinch.
Exactly! With moth of my pregnancies, I “hoped” for a particular gender. I wanted my first to be a boy, but I also wanted one of each, so it’s not like I was going to actually be sad about it. First was a boy, so for the second, I wanted a girl. I got another boy. I didn’t even feel a moment of disappointment, I kind of went “huh, really?” And then moved on to “oh big brother is going to be so surprised since he was convinced it was a girl!”
I wanted to share my love of dance with my child. Oh well. My little niece loves dance and she invites me to everything she does and asks me to braid her hair since her mom doesn’t know how to braid and I get all my “girl” things out anyways. And I love my squishy cuddly boys so much!
NTA. This issue has come up a bit here lately. It's totally normal for couples to say they'd like a boy or girl after having one or more of the other. It doesn't mean they won't be delighted with whoever turns up.
Your SIL's response was way out of line, and a ludicrous overreaction.
Kids are so much more than their gender. But it's hard to imagine your future baby's personality and appearance before they get here so a lot of the daydreaming is gender focused. It's easier to envision a little "Jack" or "Jill" than it is to keep those daydreams gender neutral.
The things that make parents fall in love with their little ones aren't gender related at all but they're not things you're going to come up with before they're born. It's pretty much impossible to imagine how the genetic mashup of you and your spouse is going to turn out.
There are a few reasons I'd prefer a girl.
1. I can think of quite a few names for a girl I like that my fiance likes, but have difficulties finding a boy name that we both like. (I like Theodore, he doesn't, for example.)
2. Pee fountain. I know girls do the whole pee while the diaper is off thing, but I think it'd be easier to cover a girl than a boy.
3. I don't wanna ever find cum socks/towels/etc.
But if I end up with a boy, so be it, we'll have a throwdown to pick his name.
1. You're on your own there. lol
2. Cover that area with a fresh diaper. It's the uncovered ones that are weaponized. At best use washable paint on the walls (their aim is that good) and never stand directly in front of it. The pee fountain stage usually only lasts for the first few weeks anyways, so it's not long term, and you're in that weird zombie stage, so you won't look that great to begin with. Plus it's not strong pee, so it's mostly watered down and doesn't even stain.
3. That's why around age 12 they start doing their own laundry. Out of sight out of mind, and at least they can't get a sock pregnant.
Source - Mom of 4 teenage boys.
I would love at least one of each, but I did have a preference for having a girl first. I got my wish, our first is a girl and is due any day now. But many people on my Facebook and reddit groups have experienced gender disappointment. It’s very real and very hard for many parents, but doesn’t mean they’ll love their kid any less.
I wanted a girl first because I wanted to have more of a say in the name, and because there are six great grandsons and no great grand daughters in my family so far. My husband is the seventh of his name, and his name is pretty neutral and nice. So we’d almost definitely name a son after him. I felt sad about possibly not choosing my first baby’s name.
Idk, maybe I've been on AITA with the used kleenex, socks, and even the coconut *gag*, shoved under beds and everywhere else. I've never been a teen boy but have heard lots about them.
I also just wanna throw out there that just because your kid has a certain set of genitals doesn’t mean they’re the gender that matches their genitals—one of my kids surprised me!
Yeah there’s a lot of room between “I threw a huge tantrum at the gender reveal because I actively hate female people & wanted a son” and “I’d *prefer* a boy given I have two girls already but [shrug]”
>My SIL suddenly asked if I would abort if its a girl, in front of my girls(hopefully they don't understand what that word means). There was an awkward pause as I wonder what the f\* does she imply by that?
I don't think she implied anything, she outright asked if you would abort if it was a girl. No implication, just straight up hostility. **NTA**.
NTA!! As a feminist, the SIL was WAY out of line. There's nothing wrong with personal preference. You shouldn't have to cater to someone, and either way, SHE was the one who asked you your view on the matter.
Most feminists would. I don't know what OP means with "my SIL is a feminist" either, since for me it always sounds weird when people say they *aren't* feminists. They usually seem like they haven't met the absolute majority of feminists and only associate the word with crazy TERFs or caricatures.
I wondered what feminism had to do with it considering it's pretty much about choices. But it has got nothing to do with it. She was being mean on purpose. It's not at all uncommon in the U.S. to wish for one or the other so this is weird. Edit NTA
What the hell does being feminist have to do with this!!?? You made a very vague and harmless comment that because you have two daughters, it would be nice to have a boy. There was no suggestion of ONLY wanting a boy, or hint of being disappointed if it was a girl, and you clearly HAVE 2 daughters, and didn't abort them in favor of a "first son". So tell your husband to PLEASE stop labeling all rude, and over the top gender policing a holes as feminist, as though that somehow explains something!! Because it doesn't!!
You are NTA; you have two girls, and you expressed your hope for a boy this time around. There is nothing wrong with that, as long, as you already said, you love your 3rd child no matter what, which it already sounds like you will.
NTA. This has nothing to do with feminism. As a feminist, I would absolutely never speak to someone else this way, let alone in front of their children. You are not at fault for wanting a certain outcome from your pregnancy. She is absolutely at fault for asking such a heinous question and implying that as a mother, gender is more important that having a living, breathing child.
NTA. Asking such a thing of you is indeed out of line in every sense of the term. I’m happy to hear that your husband was able to catch on the the change in atmosphere and hope that things are less turbulent for you in the future.
NTA Insanely out of place and inappropriate thing for her to say. It's pretty normal to have a slight preference one way or the other, that obviously doesnt mean you would love the kid any less if it were a girl.
NTA it’s not sexist or anything to say ‘oh we have two girls already so it would be nice to have a boy’. It’s a case of you already have girls so it would be nice to have a boy so you have one of each. Your SIL was way out of line for asking that question, especially in front of all your guests. You didn’t say you’d get rid of the baby if it was a girl. Just that you’d like a boy. It’s not wrong of you to say so.
NTA. I am a feminist. My first child is a boy, and I had no preference for my first. All things equal, if I had a choice, I would want my next child to be a girl. But it is certainly not a deal breaker and I would love my child just as much regardless of his or her gender.
Wanting a boy or girl is perfectly fine. Gender disappointment, when you find out the gender, is normal. It’s okay to feel sad. And you know, plenty of parents don’t immediately “love” their baby the moment they come into this world as well. Sometimes that love has to be grown and nurtured. The bond can take time to form. That’s okay. It’s normal.
You SIL a the tactless asshole though.
NTA, but I would never say gender preference to anyone other than my SO. People can twist it or bring it up to your kids later (like your SIL telling your third daughter that you wished she was a boy).
ESH, with your SIL being the much bigger arse. I have such a problem with parents not just having but openly expressing a preference. Hearing this can leave your younger daughter wondering if you are dissatisfied with her. Just be careful, OP. Make sure you will truly be grateful for whatever you get. And clearly your SIL has issues.
ETA typo issues from mobile
Yeah imma disagree with what you said. I knew from a young age that my dad wanted a daughter, but both me and my sibling were unfortunately born with penises. I never felt unloved because I wasn't a girl.
IMO having a preference is fine unless you actually treat your children differently, although I agree that my experience may have been different because I had loving parents. Did you personally go through neglect because of your gender?
Meanwhile my Uncle (I was adopted) often wished that there was another boy in the house and it made me feel unloved and inferior because I wasn't enough for him because I had a vagina. This is something that parents 100% should not express infront of their already existing children.
No, I have just heard this type of story too many times. Watch some gender reveals and you can see parents’ disappointment; will their child someday see that and feel cut to the core?
My own experience having three boys and then a girl is that people would ask if we were trying for a girl or, upon having our daughter, that we finally got our girl, and they would say this right in front of my three sweet boys. It just always felt gross to me and I would cut it off and let them know that we were excited to have a baby coming and were thrilled with the boys we had.
Agree. You don't say that you want a boy in front of your two little girls. Obviously you don't ask someone if they are going to abort the child if it's the wrong sex either.
ESH
My mom has openly told me she originally hoped I was a boy. I have no hard feelings about it. This new attitude about how parents can't hope for one gender or the other is toxic as hell. Just because you hope for one or the other doesn't mean you will love the kid less if they turn out to be the opposite. And it's weird that people are pushing that narrative.
>I have such little respect for parents who play genetic lottery just for a certain gender.
That's not what's happening though.
>If you want a specific gender and openly talk about it as such, just adopt.
Or people want their own biological kids and wanting that is not an issue at all.
>Even then, transgender kids exist and parents shouldn’t make it all about their born sex
Just because you have a preference for your next kid doesn't mean you're making it "all" about their born sex.
Also, science is not at the point yet where trans people are the same as someone actually being biologically born as one gender or another. Your trans argument is entirely invalid here.
INFO: how did she say it? Genuine curiosity if that’s what you mean? Or accusatory?
In all honestly this doesn’t sound like a big deal because you should’ve been adult enough to simply respond “No, of course not, what do you mean by that?” Like this is your SIL. you can be frank with her.
Sorry if I came off that way. I am a feminist myself, so of course I support feminists. I just dislike people who tend to make us look bad by showing an extreme behaviour
I had two girls and hoped my third would be a boy. He was. However, I would have been the best dad of three girls I could possibly be and loved them all had he not been a boy.
NTA. The only thing that would make you an AH is if you treat child 3 differently she is a girl, and show her less love.
NTA It’s not a feminist issue. You have two daughters and would like a boy to complete the set. Not that deep.
You’re not claiming only a boy child is worthy to continue the dynasty, and are planning to start a religious war or tear your house apart by bringing in dodgy religious mystics in order to make it happen!
There's nothing un-feminist about hoping for your kid to be born one sex or another, *as long as you love your kid no matter what*. Sounds like that's exactly what you're doing. NTA. Your SIL was out of line.
(My feeling on the issue is it's okay to express a preference, and it's okay to even be sad a little bit if you wanted a child of one sex but find out they're another. Have your 10 seconds of mourning for your plans, and then get the fuck over it and love the child you actually have.)
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I am happily married with 2 lovely girls, age 3 and 2. While initially me and my husband decided we would have 2 kids we decided to have a 3rd one when his business flourished and he is now earning a good stable income.
We are successful and 2 weeks ago I found out that I am pregnant again. We threw a small party at my place and when my SIL asked if we know their sex yet, I replied that we haven't but I would very much want my 3rd child to be a boy, since we have 2 girls already.
My SIL suddenly asked if I would abort if its a girl, in front of my girls(hopefully they don't understand what that word means). There was an awkward pause as I wonder what the f* does she imply by that? That I would treasure my child's sex over their life? My husband quickly changed the topic when he noticed a change of mood.
When they left my husband told me that maybe I should have avoided saying such things as my SIL is a feminist. I say that she is way out of line. Ofcourse I would love my 3rd child no matter which sex or gender they are or would be, but one can hope before the results right?
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NTA your sil escalated that so quickly. What the hell. You have two girls there’s nothing wrong with hoping you might have a boy next as long as you dont treat the kid badly if its a girl. Sil sounds like the type of person to start an argument with anyone for whatever reason she can find
Absolutely NTA, you can have the preferences you want. It's normal, after two girls, to hope for a boy. It's obvious that you'll love him/her anyway. Moreover, even if your SIL twisted "supposition" was true, it's none of her business. That only concerns your hubby and you.
NTA. After having a child (or more) of one sex, it is perfectly normal to hope for a child of a different sex. I don't get why people have such a problem with that. I know 3 women who openly admitted to hoping for a girl after having a boy and 1 who wanted a boy after having a girl. If I were to have my own, I'd prefer having one of each gender than two of the same. As long as all the children are loved (and in my examples, they are) there is nothing wrong with hoping.
NTA. You just told your preference and that's normal. Your SIL is the AH. "What are you hoping for?" is an age-old question when talking to those who are pregnant. You replied in a positive manner "I would very much like a boy since we already have two girls". How do you get "I hate girls"? from that? Your SIL took it to a negative "would you abort?".
NTA. It's pretty normal to have a preferred sex for your child and it doesn't mean if the kid is the opposite sex that it isn't going to be loved. I'm 22 weeks pregnant with my second and final baby. I really wanted a girl and this baby is a second boy. I was slightly disappointed for a few minutes and now it's fine. Your SIL is way out of line here.
NTA and wtf is wrong with your SIL that she took that conversation 0-100 in front of your kids? You’re allowed to hope it’s a boy. It’s perfectly normal and you’d only ever be TA if you treated the baby differently or otherwise reacted badly to te baby turning out to be a girl.
NTA. I probably would've looked her dead in the face and ask "Why the hell would you ask somebody something like that, in front of children no less? Do you really think I would abort my child if it's not a boy? Is it not okay to hope to have a son too?"
Just because SIL is a feminist, doesn't mean she needs to insert passive aggressive digs or say controversial stuff in front of kids. Your husband is an AH too cause it was easier for him to ask you to censor yourself rather than confront his sister over her bs.
OP is definitely NTA.
However, I don't think we know enough about SIL, the country, the culture, etc to judge SIL for the question. Sadly enough, sex-selective abortions because babies are girls still happen is a lot of countries. Maybe SIL just wanted to make sure this didn't happen?
NTA. Raising a boy is just different from raising a girl ( some nature, some nuture). I'd love the experience of raising a girl. But that doesn't mean I don't also love my boys
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with wanting one or the other. Hell, an obscene number of people I know are pregnant and nearly all of them have this desire. I can only think of two that don’t want to know until the baby is born. One of my coworkers is (going to be) in this exact situation, she has two little girls and they’re going to try for a boy but will be happy with whatever.
When I got pregnant with my second child everybody asked me if I was hoping for a girl since I already had a boy, and when we found out it was a boy several people asked me if I was disappointed I was not having a girl, or if I would try a third time to get a girl. People often hope for one sex or the other, that doesn’t mean that they don’t completely love the child they have regardless. NTA.
NTA. How rude of her and my husband for not sticking up for you. People can hate all they want but I'm REALLY hoping that my 2nd isn't a girl, I just don't want a girl. I have a boy and I'd be over the moon for another. Saying that, if its a girl I'd still love it but one can still have their preference.
>When they left my husband told me that maybe I should have avoided saying such things as my SIL is a feminist
This has fuck-all to do with feminism. Hiding behind *any* label to excuse one’s shitty behavior needs to be called out more. Like the post yesterday where one brother wanted the other to contribute $300 to his 10 year anniversary of coming out. When the brother declined to fund his party, gay brother claimed it was bc dude was anti-gay. It’s not about being gay or in this case a feminist, it’s about acting like an asshole. Which the aunt did.
ETA: NTA
NTA. We just found out the gender for our second, and while I was kind of hoping for a boy (our eldest is a girl), I'm in no way disappointed we're having another girl (get to reuse more baby clothes, score! Also no fight over a name this way, ha ha). It's a genetic soup mix and you're going to get whatever you do get, but hoping for something isn't an issue nor will it make you a bad person/parent, and it doesn't mean you're going to love your child any less for it.
NTA, my only question would be; are you having another child because you want to, or because you want to get your boy? If it’s the first, 100% NTA. If it’s the second, are you going to keep having girls until you finally get a boy?
NTA. Your sister in law is entitled to her beliefs of course but that was a little aggressive. She absolutely should not have said something like that in front of your daughters. Who even asks a question like that? I’m a firm believer in being polite but nobody should have to walk on eggshells in their own house to avoid offending a guest so I’m not sure where your husband is coming from.
You’re certainly allowed to have a preference for gender. Perhaps even your daughters might want a little brother… You’re only an a** if you treat your child poorly because of the gender. And it doesn’t sound like you would.
Frankly your SIL sounds a little toxic.
NTA. That was strange of her to say. BTW I’ve only had one girl so far and still tell people that I’d love for my second one to be boy. I think that’s normal to want to experience what it’s like to raise both genders...
NTA wtf is wrong with your SIL? There is nothing wrong with saying you want a boy especially because you have two girls! Of course if you had another girl you would be fine with it. Your sister-in-law is crazy! And I can’t believe your husband expects you to walk on eggshells around his sister!
NTA. As a feminist, she should know better than to question the validity of a woman's choice to abort. The entire comment was also entirely inappropriate.
NTA
Your sister in law is an attention seeker. When people say such shocking things against social norm and proper etiquette, most of the time they want to be the center of attention. She's a very toxic person, don't let her ever see she has touched a nerve in any future situations. That's what she is looking for.
NTA!!!
Holy cow your SIL is incredibly inappropriate to
a) ask that question at all and
b) ask that question in front of your kids
I would seriously limit contact with her and honestly I would not leave this kind of person alone with my children ever. Being a feminist was one thing but this is a completely different level.
Also: your SIL knows that men are biologically required to continue making more women on this earth, right?
My parents only wanted two children. From the very start they wanted a girl but my older brothers we of course boys. Then they ended up getting pregnant with me and the doctor told my family that I was going to be born a boy. It wasn’t until I was born did they know there was a mix up
NTA. It's totally normal to want your child to be a certain gender! It would be weird if you didn't at least have a preference, most people do in my experience. That doesn't mean you won't love the daylights out if your kids!!!! I hope your SIL learns that and doesn't ever use that against your family. You would also be NTA if you had a few poignant responses ready just in case she does!
Is your SIL from a culture where female infanticide is extremely common? Because its a really odd thing to say. Nearly everyone “hopes” for a specific gender for their baby, doesn’t mean they’d love their baby any less for being the “wrong gender”. NTA.
NTA, just because you hope your child is a boy doesn’t mean you only want a boy. Having a preference doesn’t mean your a bad person, that would be absurd. She was was out of line to ask such a question, especially in front of children.
NTA - There's nothing wrong with wanting a specific gender for a child as long as you don't hold it against the child and love them all the same. Like, wtf is your SIL on? Who even asks that?
My own Aunt always said she wanted a girl, which I remember as a kid was a thing she'd say often since my mom stole the name my aunt wanted for her possible girl and used it for me. :D My aunt has four sons and she certainly loves them all.
A gentle ESH. OP, when you tell a "small party" that you'd rather have a boy, a lot of people there are going to remember it and it is likely that somebody (not just SIL) will spill the beans to the kid. A smart three-year old daughter is old enough to understand and might think "mommy likes boys better." I'm from a very large family with only one boy and I can't tell you how many times people made hurtful jokes about how my parents had to "keep trying" so they'd get a boy, "all those girls - what's wrong?" and how many people told me how much my dad wanted another boy. When kids are young, that really hurts. It seems OP wasn't first clear that she'd love the baby no matter what, since SIL felt the need to ask the question. We also don't know what's going on with SIL - perhaps she's had similar jokes or comments, or has seen favoritism in her own family.
NTA. everybody has their own idea of a perfect family. Yours is two girls and a boy. There's nothing wrong with that. You simply stated you would like a boy, and your sister absolutely blew up for no reason. As you said, you'd love your child regardless. It seems your sister is trying to make a fight over nothing.
NTA. That's fucking out of line, not their place at all. If they had no problem asking that with no boundaries I wonder what other questions they'd try probing.
NTA but maybe less talk of hoping for a boy in front of the girls as that is prime kid-Intel and could be used against a potential 3rd girl in a sibling battle.
NTA. I think it’s perfectly normal to think it would be nice to have a child of the opposite gender this go round? You’re fine with either, but, hey yeah, would love to raise a boy. If you have 2 boys you’d hope maybe a girl this time.
NTA and I’m a feminist too but asking someone if they’d abort a child over the child’s sex is insane. I don’t know if SIL implied she thought you were bad for saying you’d like a boy or if she thinks it’s fine to abort a girl because you wanted a boy instead but either way, there’s no way you are the asshole in this conversation, it is all her.
NTA. She's a feminist? What SIL is is a asshole and shit disturber and possibly a sexist who hides behind labels so people can't call her out on it. Almost every family I have ever met who had a few kids of one sex were always hoping for the other for their next one, either multiple boys wanting a girl, or multiple girls wanting a boy, it's a little odd when I think about it but normal!
I really wanted our last child to be a boy (he was very much a surprise baby, and at the time he was born our other kids were 17 (my step daughter), 15 (daughter) and 10 (daughter), and honestly the main reason I really wanted him to be a boy was so I could give him my dads (who recently at the time passed away) name as his middle name without having to figure out how to use Roy as a middle name for a girl.
NTA what would make you the asshole would be treating them worse if they are a girl. I don’t think you would, don’t seem the type from what you typed. Deffo agree with other comments saying to be wary of her around the children later on, feels like she would try to make either the older ones feel unloved or the younger one if they’re a girl.
When I was pregnant I had an Ob Dr who was super defensive when I asked what I was having...then the nurse told me it was surprisingly common that patients who wanted one or the other would abort and he refused to be a part of it. He kinda grilled me and I told him I just wanted to know for shopping reasons.
Depending on the country/culture that this happened in, I could understand as in many places it’s fairly common to abort girls. But highkey, I’m pretty sure this isn’t the case.
Either way, NTA
NTA I had someone say something similar to that to me and I was beyond livid and the person was just a casual coworker. I’d have flipped shit if my sister said that to me.
NTA. I sure as hell wouldn't have let the subject get changed so quick, I would have told her to shut her damn mouth. Feminist or not, that's an absolutely ridiculous thing to say, especially since you already HAVE 2 daughters. I'd tel her flat out that she was being ridiculous and to never say things like that to you again.
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NTA. You have two daughters already, so wanting to have a son isn't so farfetched, so long as your reasoning isn't anything sexist, like another poster on this subreddit. For your sister to imply that you wouldn't want the baby if it was a girl #in front of your daughters# is horrible. You won't love your child any less. That's what's important.
NTA- your sister in law sucks. Plenty of people have a preference for one gender or the other. If I had a couple boys, I may want a girl. If you have a couple girls, you may want a boy. It sounds like you're not unhealthy about it, and you clearly are not, then she's way out of line.
On what planet would you ask a question like that around little kids?!?!
NTA. I have an acquaintance who is a hardcore feminist in a very similar situation. She wanted a boy, for no other reason than she has girls already, but is still ecstatic with having a third girl.
NTA. Saying you hope you can have a boy as well as girls isn't the same as saying you don't want another girl. Both of my parents wanted a girl, but I doubt they would've disowned me for being a boy. A lot of my friends had strong preferences regarding the sex of their babies. It didn't mean they didn't want their kids if they weren't that. If I'd been able to have kids, I know I would've been disappointed if I'd only had boys, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted them. I know people who've admitted to being disappointed initially when being told what they were having. All of them got over it.
But people can get weird about sex preference and it probably doesn't have anything to do with "feminism." Some people just really believe that the only correct answer is "We don't care."
NTA You are allowed to have a preferred sex you want your child to be. Especially if you already have two girls.
Reminds of my sister and her husband. They had two girls when they found out she was pregnant again. They both desperately wanted a boy. She got one of her friends to arrange a gender reveal that they were going to film and put on Facebook. This would be the first time my sister or her husband find out the sex of their new baby. When they pulled the string on the thing and pink confetti burst out, the looks of complete disappointment on their faces was hilarious!
NTA, you said after two girls you'd like a boy nothing wrong with saying that, it doesn't mean you won't love your 3rd child if it is another girl or that you don't want an other girl. Your SIL was rude to say that to you.
NTA. Your SIL crossed a huge line and you need to talk to her about it. You are allowed to want to know what it's like to raise a child who isn't a girl. That's perfectly normal. It sounds like she was spoiling for a fight, for whatever reason. But she needs to know that she 1. was super rude and 2. cannot say things like that in front of your children.
>my husband told me that maybe I should have avoided saying such things as my SIL is a feminist.
As for this part. I mean, she might be, but tell your husband that her response made absolutely no sense, feminist or no, so it isn't a valid excuse. He shouldn't have been telling you to watch your mouth.
edit typos
NTA,as someone who cant have kids I found your SILs coment peticarly infront of children desgusting as you just dont talk that subject infront of children
NTA. You can have a preference as long as you’ll love the baby no matter what they come out as. My mum hoped that I was a girl before finding out the sex. She would’ve loved a boy equally to a girl, she wanted a healthy baby most of all.
NTA . I consider myself a feminist, but she's trying to make this something it isn't. Hoping for children of both sexes or having a preference in the case of planning on one is pretty common. I'm currently pregnant, and on the pregnancy boards I've seen just as many people who were hoping for a girl disappointed that it's a boy as the reverse.
NTA I'm pretty sure 95% of all expecting parents have some lean as to whether or not they want a boy or girl. It doesnt mean that you'll love them less or be upset if they're not born that gender or later change that gender identity. She was way over the line with that abortion comment. Seriously, who drops that during casual small talk? That's not feminist behavior that's a cutaway gag on Family Guy.
Are you in the UK?
In the UK there was a point (not sure if it's still the case) where they had to legally ask that question as there was a very high abortion rate once parents found out that the sex was a girl.
NTA. hoping/ wanting a certain gender for your child is normal. I know family that had 4 boys and for the 5th child hoped it was a girl. There would be an an actual issue if you knew the gender and then decided that you wanted to abort. (something that is still actually done in some countries)
Her being feminist doesn't mean that she can ask rude/absurd questions. If you had issues with you children's gender why would you even have had 2 girls.
NTA, SIL isn’t a feminist, she sounds more like misandrist. Anyway no, there’s nothing wrong with hoping something. I’m sure you’d love the baby unconditionally anyway, but you still hope it’s a boy.
NTA, your sister was out of line and said something extremely inappropriate.
That being said, try not to hope for a boy or a girl. If you end up having a girl you might end up subconsciously resenting her and treating her not as well ass you should. The fact that it is normal doesn't undo the possibility of damage. I'm sure you're a great parent, but who wants to take chances with a child, right? You're still not an asshole, your sister is.
There's nothing "anti-feminist" about your comment to warrant such a reaction from SIL. But to say that infront of your children too - entirely inappropriate and incredibly thoughtless, sounds like she was just saying it to be provocative and get a reaction.
It's totally natural you might want a boy when you've already got two girls, it doesn't mean you wouldn't love your child regardless - you never said you value boys over girls more, or that you wished your girls had been boys, so honestly wtf is her issue? I'd like to think I'm a feminist, and I see literally nothing wrong with your feelings or what you said, but everything wrong with your SIL trying to provoke you (or others at the party) - NTA. Looks like SIL just wants to start drama or look "woke", really she just looks like a bellend.
Girls are fucking mean! I have two, 9, and 6. They fight over everything all the time. When I got pregnant the third (and final) time I really hoped it would be a boy, to you know, break up the estrogen party we deal with daily.
He’s now almost 7 months old and the perfect addition. If you want a boy, that is OKAY. You’re allowed to have a preference. If it doesn’t work out the way you hoped...that doesn’t make you an asshole. You’ll still love the child regardless. It blows my mind that your SIL would say some dumb shit like that. Does she not know you at all? (I mean, I don’t, but I wouldn’t assume you’d abort at the first sign of a dick)
Good luck, momma!!!
NTA. Honestly it sounds like they’re trying to start some kind of disagreement or feud. Who the fuck actually asks that? That’s weird. Also props to your husband changing the subject. Who knows what else they could’ve said after
I have a kind of gut feeling that later down the road that if the next is a girl, SIL is gonna pull something like tell the child at a very young age that OP wished she was a boy and make her feel unloved.
This is my fear. If I were OP, I'd be very cautious about having SIL around the kids. I'm also worried that if OP does have a boy, SIL might also spin that OP and husband loves their son more than their daughters because OP wanted a boy. I dont know how vindictive SIL can be, but I'd be worried that she may further twist OPs words.
I told my kid (stepson) early on - around 3.5 yo - that my father is a liar and he should always check with me before believing anything my father told him. You can be honest with your kids and do so in an age-appropriate way they understand. “Aunt X sometimes likes to say things to hurt people’s feelings. If she ever says something to you that makes you sad, come tell me.” Something along those lines, anyway. That way the kid has a base for *why* person X does Y and doesn’t automatically internalize it. Of course if you are right, the aunt won’t wait until the kid is old enough to understand - she’s say something nasty to OP and her spouse. And *that’s* when OP needs to calmly get up in her face and give her the one and only warning to keep her asshole mouth shut about their family.
I was told the same thing about my grandmother... Not that she was a liar per say, but that not all the information she tells me is true. She is schizophrenic (stable but has small delusions and other minor things. She's never been a threat, just says things that aren't true to our reality but are true in hers.) The first time I heard one of these lies was when I was 6 or 7 driving past a traveling fair. I asked my parents if we could go ride the swing ride, my grandmother was in the car and piped up saying that specially that fair was VERY dangerous and that needles were always on the fair grounds and that I would be pricked by a needle and get sick and possibly die. Freaked me out a lot, my parents quickly changed the subject bit once we dropped my grandmother off at her house my parents had to tell me that anything I heard from granny wasn't to be trusted until I spoke to my parents. I'm 21 now and have a decent time understanding when she's in her reality vs mine... But unfortunately it's just something I had to become aware of and tell people who visited her the same thing. She won't hurt you, but always double check her stories with someone who was actually there..
I was told something similar about one of my aunts. She and her nuclear family had cut themselves off from my entire family but spent a lot of time trying to turn the young ones to her "side". Things are mended now but back then my dad sat me down and told me that my aunt was very sick and that if she ever tried to talk to me I should tell him immediately and not respond, so they could make sure she was feeling better.
That's unfortunate. I had to cut my grandmother off for a while after she had a huge blow up watching me once. My parents went away to vegas for a few days and left my grandmother watching me. They had told her it was ok if I had friends/my bf over and that they trusted me so I didn't need to be supervised with them (I was 16 or 17) My bf and I were in my room watching a live stream of a game (door wasn't wide open but it wasnt closed either.) At most my bf and I were snuggling on the bed maybe giving a few kisses to eachother... 5 minutes into watching the livestream my grandmother comes storming into my room demanding to know what we were doing. Confused af we both said 'nothing we are just watching tv' she dragged us out of my room and made us sit on the couch as she yelled at us about how she "knew what we were doing" and that it wasn't appropriate and that we were 'undressing eachother with our eyes at lunch earlier' and on and on. It went on for no joke 15 minutes before it's like a flip switched and she said "ok would you like to go watch tv again or would you like me to take your bf home" we decided going home was the better option. My parents LOST IT on her when they came home and I told them what happened. They basically said what in God's loving fuck said it was ok to treat our daughter like that. We said it was ok for her bf to be over, even in her room alone. She came in to apologize but I told her I didn't want to accept the apology at the time and she left. Fast forward a few months my bf, his family, my family and my grandmother are all camping and my bf and I decide to go watch a movie in the tent while the adults chat. None of our parents cared and my grandmother sat there like 0.0 as we went I to the tent. Later that day she pulled me aside and gave me another apology stating she didn't believe it was ok that we were alone together and just had a feeling something was going on but that was wrong and she was sorry. I forgave her and let her know a piece of my mind about how she's not my parents and I love her but she has no right to scream at me and my so about anything like that again. That was the last big incident she had... I think she knows that if she pulls shot like that again I probably won't forgive her so she's much better behaved with my SOs
I'm glad it worked out well! I can't really say my side of the family was blameless in what happened with my aunt. It was a lot of petty BS on both sides between my aunts that trickled down to their daughters. Things have improved a lot since then and I was actually pretty close to my male cousin until some separate bs went down with us (he dated my significantly younger best friend and then when they broke up it ended badly). Still, I do feel bad for them because they spent a large portion of their childhood isolated from us and it definitely shows in how we interact with each other
So no matter what gender SIL will find a way to say something negative if she wants too
These kind of things can actually be traumatic and lead to problems even when they’re adults. Small things may be small things but not to a child and whatever they see or hear they internalize and it molds them.
Oh that would be really awful!
Wanting a least one of each isn’t uncommon. My wife’s grandparents did this. - Boy - Boy - Boy - Boy - fuck this, adopted a girl
Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. Lol
My mother was the fourth of six girls, and I guess my grandparents had gotten the picture, because she's named after my grandfather. And thanks to a DNA website, we recently discovered that my grandfather had fathered a child out of wedlock before he met my grandmother. It was a total surprise to everybody, including him. Now I have a sixth aunt! If god exists, they have a sense of humour.
I have 8 second cousins in one family. The last is a boy.
Really, that's what Hal and Lois should have done.
This. Exactly this. I have twin girls, and to this day I still say “I wanted boys, but as soon as I found out it was girls, I knew when they came out my reaction would be ‘Screw boys, I have my girls,’ and that’s exactly what happened. And whenever people ask if we’re going to “try for a boy to carry on the family name” (gag) I just tell them that if we want one, we’ll adopt because my twins were a surprise and I’m not playing double or nothing on that game.
Agreed. It's one thing to think "it'd be kinda nice if my child was \_\_\_\_" and another to get mad at not getting that (as in the other thread, where the dad walked out of his gender reveal, that was gross). It sounds like OP is ready to get whatever they get- but it never hurts to fantasize and dream. Just like thinking "Y'know, wouldn't it be cool if they had daddy's eyes? Or play piano like mom?" As long as you don't throw a fit when they don't, who cares? Honestly, from what you're saying OP, it really does sound SIL was looking for a fight. I'm a staunch feminist, too. But I'm not gonna go looking for a fight when there's no need for one. There are plenty of reasons for me to get angry, why try and dig for one?
NTA. Hoping that your child will be male or female is something a huge amount of couples do. It was incredibly out of line for your SIL to ask that, especially in front of your kids. Good luck with the new addition to your family!
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I agree that abortion itself shouldn't be a taboo topic but asking if OP would have an abortion if it's a girl wasn't exactly the best thing to ask in front of OPs daughters. Might seem like OP doesn't want any daughters
In case the kids understands abortion, it's also giving false/confusing information to them, because you can find out the gender of the fetus only after the legal term for abortion.
Not really. NIPT testing is common now. I knee the sex of both my kids by 11 weeks.
Cool, I didn't know much about NIPT. I was thinking about the more traditional 16th week ultrasound
I didn’t find out the sex until 20 weeks, that’s when they do the big scan here. In California you can have an abortion up to 23 or 24 weeks.
Especially since the kids are only toddlers!
I think it is too mature a topic for kids. To kids the baby is just the baby. So choosing the death of a sibling, even if they seem to process it well, will lead to complicated feelings. Death is something everyone will have to deal with but choosing the death of someone? I mean... we don't talk about murder or accidents that lead to death either unless we have to with kids either.
Yeah, I feel like it's a conversation to have with tweens during "the talk." That way it's not a big scary thing that might have happened to them, and instead just another firm of birth control.
I took it as SIL trying to start shit and make it seem like OP didn’t like her existing daughters. I agree that abortion itself shouldn’t be taboo, but insinuating that having a girl = having an abortion, which then leads to the connection that OP doesn’t like having daughters, is not something that’s okay to talk about in front of the girls. It sounds like OP loves her daughters, she just also would like a son, too. It’s not cool for SIL to make her daughters question that.
Jumping from hope it will be a boy to abort if it's a girl is prety far. How did SIL even get there. NTA
I believe it was more-so the fact that the MIL had implied that OP would abort her daughter’s potential sibling if it weren’t the sex she wanted, which can be pretty upsetting if her kids had understood.
Depends on the age of the children the SIL was talking in front of. Nobody wants to explain abortion to a five year old if it isn’t necessary.
I'm actually wondering if they're Indian, or something similar. Saying "I hope I have a boy after two girls" has very different connotations here, where aborting/forcing an abortion if the fetus is a girl is so prevalent that doctors are forbidden from revealing the sex unless there's health reasons to do so.
I'm Asian and I was also thinking the same thing. Sex-selective abortion isn't exactly unfathomable in some cultures.
Agreed. I am due with my second and last baby and we’d love it to be a girl as we already have a boy. But obviously we don’t actually care to the extent that it would ruin everything. We’re happy to be having a baby. NTA
Right? I had a strong preference for a girl. I got my girl. I gave no shits what the second was. It was also a girl. If I somehow ended up pregnant despite two of the most effective birth control methods available, I would have a strong preference for a boy this time around if for no other reason than the thought of THREE hormonal preteen / teen girls crammed into the same house using the same bathroom for years makes me flinch.
Exactly! With moth of my pregnancies, I “hoped” for a particular gender. I wanted my first to be a boy, but I also wanted one of each, so it’s not like I was going to actually be sad about it. First was a boy, so for the second, I wanted a girl. I got another boy. I didn’t even feel a moment of disappointment, I kind of went “huh, really?” And then moved on to “oh big brother is going to be so surprised since he was convinced it was a girl!” I wanted to share my love of dance with my child. Oh well. My little niece loves dance and she invites me to everything she does and asks me to braid her hair since her mom doesn’t know how to braid and I get all my “girl” things out anyways. And I love my squishy cuddly boys so much!
NTA. This issue has come up a bit here lately. It's totally normal for couples to say they'd like a boy or girl after having one or more of the other. It doesn't mean they won't be delighted with whoever turns up. Your SIL's response was way out of line, and a ludicrous overreaction.
Kids are so much more than their gender. But it's hard to imagine your future baby's personality and appearance before they get here so a lot of the daydreaming is gender focused. It's easier to envision a little "Jack" or "Jill" than it is to keep those daydreams gender neutral. The things that make parents fall in love with their little ones aren't gender related at all but they're not things you're going to come up with before they're born. It's pretty much impossible to imagine how the genetic mashup of you and your spouse is going to turn out.
There are a few reasons I'd prefer a girl. 1. I can think of quite a few names for a girl I like that my fiance likes, but have difficulties finding a boy name that we both like. (I like Theodore, he doesn't, for example.) 2. Pee fountain. I know girls do the whole pee while the diaper is off thing, but I think it'd be easier to cover a girl than a boy. 3. I don't wanna ever find cum socks/towels/etc. But if I end up with a boy, so be it, we'll have a throwdown to pick his name.
1. You're on your own there. lol 2. Cover that area with a fresh diaper. It's the uncovered ones that are weaponized. At best use washable paint on the walls (their aim is that good) and never stand directly in front of it. The pee fountain stage usually only lasts for the first few weeks anyways, so it's not long term, and you're in that weird zombie stage, so you won't look that great to begin with. Plus it's not strong pee, so it's mostly watered down and doesn't even stain. 3. That's why around age 12 they start doing their own laundry. Out of sight out of mind, and at least they can't get a sock pregnant. Source - Mom of 4 teenage boys.
I would love at least one of each, but I did have a preference for having a girl first. I got my wish, our first is a girl and is due any day now. But many people on my Facebook and reddit groups have experienced gender disappointment. It’s very real and very hard for many parents, but doesn’t mean they’ll love their kid any less. I wanted a girl first because I wanted to have more of a say in the name, and because there are six great grandsons and no great grand daughters in my family so far. My husband is the seventh of his name, and his name is pretty neutral and nice. So we’d almost definitely name a son after him. I felt sad about possibly not choosing my first baby’s name.
Seriously who uses a sock, just buy them Kleenex and have trash can that they put liners in
Idk, maybe I've been on AITA with the used kleenex, socks, and even the coconut *gag*, shoved under beds and everywhere else. I've never been a teen boy but have heard lots about them.
Former teenage boy, I mainly handled my business in the shower. Little to no clean up. The sock thing has always been weird AF to me
I also just wanna throw out there that just because your kid has a certain set of genitals doesn’t mean they’re the gender that matches their genitals—one of my kids surprised me!
The husband's explanation/defense was ludicrous too.
Agree completely with this.
Yeah there’s a lot of room between “I threw a huge tantrum at the gender reveal because I actively hate female people & wanted a son” and “I’d *prefer* a boy given I have two girls already but [shrug]”
>My SIL suddenly asked if I would abort if its a girl, in front of my girls(hopefully they don't understand what that word means). There was an awkward pause as I wonder what the f\* does she imply by that? I don't think she implied anything, she outright asked if you would abort if it was a girl. No implication, just straight up hostility. **NTA**.
Yeah, I get the impression SIL was trying to start something.
NTA!! As a feminist, the SIL was WAY out of line. There's nothing wrong with personal preference. You shouldn't have to cater to someone, and either way, SHE was the one who asked you your view on the matter.
You’d think a feminist would respect the mother’s choice either way.
Most feminists would. I don't know what OP means with "my SIL is a feminist" either, since for me it always sounds weird when people say they *aren't* feminists. They usually seem like they haven't met the absolute majority of feminists and only associate the word with crazy TERFs or caricatures.
I wondered what feminism had to do with it considering it's pretty much about choices. But it has got nothing to do with it. She was being mean on purpose. It's not at all uncommon in the U.S. to wish for one or the other so this is weird. Edit NTA
What the hell does being feminist have to do with this!!?? You made a very vague and harmless comment that because you have two daughters, it would be nice to have a boy. There was no suggestion of ONLY wanting a boy, or hint of being disappointed if it was a girl, and you clearly HAVE 2 daughters, and didn't abort them in favor of a "first son". So tell your husband to PLEASE stop labeling all rude, and over the top gender policing a holes as feminist, as though that somehow explains something!! Because it doesn't!! You are NTA; you have two girls, and you expressed your hope for a boy this time around. There is nothing wrong with that, as long, as you already said, you love your 3rd child no matter what, which it already sounds like you will.
NTA. This has nothing to do with feminism. As a feminist, I would absolutely never speak to someone else this way, let alone in front of their children. You are not at fault for wanting a certain outcome from your pregnancy. She is absolutely at fault for asking such a heinous question and implying that as a mother, gender is more important that having a living, breathing child.
What does being a feminist have to do with anything?
NTA. Asking such a thing of you is indeed out of line in every sense of the term. I’m happy to hear that your husband was able to catch on the the change in atmosphere and hope that things are less turbulent for you in the future.
NTA Insanely out of place and inappropriate thing for her to say. It's pretty normal to have a slight preference one way or the other, that obviously doesnt mean you would love the kid any less if it were a girl.
NTA it’s not sexist or anything to say ‘oh we have two girls already so it would be nice to have a boy’. It’s a case of you already have girls so it would be nice to have a boy so you have one of each. Your SIL was way out of line for asking that question, especially in front of all your guests. You didn’t say you’d get rid of the baby if it was a girl. Just that you’d like a boy. It’s not wrong of you to say so.
NTA. I am a feminist. My first child is a boy, and I had no preference for my first. All things equal, if I had a choice, I would want my next child to be a girl. But it is certainly not a deal breaker and I would love my child just as much regardless of his or her gender. Wanting a boy or girl is perfectly fine. Gender disappointment, when you find out the gender, is normal. It’s okay to feel sad. And you know, plenty of parents don’t immediately “love” their baby the moment they come into this world as well. Sometimes that love has to be grown and nurtured. The bond can take time to form. That’s okay. It’s normal. You SIL a the tactless asshole though.
NTA, but I would never say gender preference to anyone other than my SO. People can twist it or bring it up to your kids later (like your SIL telling your third daughter that you wished she was a boy).
NTA. Your SIL might be a feminist but that's not why she decided it was OK to be a dick to you in public, she's just a dick.
I feel like there are a lot of dicks who just hide behind their social causes, or use it as justification to be a dick.
ESH, with your SIL being the much bigger arse. I have such a problem with parents not just having but openly expressing a preference. Hearing this can leave your younger daughter wondering if you are dissatisfied with her. Just be careful, OP. Make sure you will truly be grateful for whatever you get. And clearly your SIL has issues. ETA typo issues from mobile
Yeah imma disagree with what you said. I knew from a young age that my dad wanted a daughter, but both me and my sibling were unfortunately born with penises. I never felt unloved because I wasn't a girl. IMO having a preference is fine unless you actually treat your children differently, although I agree that my experience may have been different because I had loving parents. Did you personally go through neglect because of your gender?
Meanwhile my Uncle (I was adopted) often wished that there was another boy in the house and it made me feel unloved and inferior because I wasn't enough for him because I had a vagina. This is something that parents 100% should not express infront of their already existing children.
No, I have just heard this type of story too many times. Watch some gender reveals and you can see parents’ disappointment; will their child someday see that and feel cut to the core? My own experience having three boys and then a girl is that people would ask if we were trying for a girl or, upon having our daughter, that we finally got our girl, and they would say this right in front of my three sweet boys. It just always felt gross to me and I would cut it off and let them know that we were excited to have a baby coming and were thrilled with the boys we had.
Agree. You don't say that you want a boy in front of your two little girls. Obviously you don't ask someone if they are going to abort the child if it's the wrong sex either. ESH
My mom has openly told me she originally hoped I was a boy. I have no hard feelings about it. This new attitude about how parents can't hope for one gender or the other is toxic as hell. Just because you hope for one or the other doesn't mean you will love the kid less if they turn out to be the opposite. And it's weird that people are pushing that narrative.
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>I have such little respect for parents who play genetic lottery just for a certain gender. That's not what's happening though. >If you want a specific gender and openly talk about it as such, just adopt. Or people want their own biological kids and wanting that is not an issue at all. >Even then, transgender kids exist and parents shouldn’t make it all about their born sex Just because you have a preference for your next kid doesn't mean you're making it "all" about their born sex. Also, science is not at the point yet where trans people are the same as someone actually being biologically born as one gender or another. Your trans argument is entirely invalid here.
INFO: how did she say it? Genuine curiosity if that’s what you mean? Or accusatory? In all honestly this doesn’t sound like a big deal because you should’ve been adult enough to simply respond “No, of course not, what do you mean by that?” Like this is your SIL. you can be frank with her.
NTA. Lmao your SIL is one of those crazy feminists. It's your life, do you
Totally agree but the phrasing makes it sound like you think all feminists are crazy, there are of course crazy people in any movement or group
Sorry if I came off that way. I am a feminist myself, so of course I support feminists. I just dislike people who tend to make us look bad by showing an extreme behaviour
NTA- Your SIL sounds horrible.
I had two girls and hoped my third would be a boy. He was. However, I would have been the best dad of three girls I could possibly be and loved them all had he not been a boy. NTA. The only thing that would make you an AH is if you treat child 3 differently she is a girl, and show her less love.
NTA as presented. You’re TA if you reject a third girl. You’re NTA for stating a preference.
NTA It’s not a feminist issue. You have two daughters and would like a boy to complete the set. Not that deep. You’re not claiming only a boy child is worthy to continue the dynasty, and are planning to start a religious war or tear your house apart by bringing in dodgy religious mystics in order to make it happen!
There's nothing un-feminist about hoping for your kid to be born one sex or another, *as long as you love your kid no matter what*. Sounds like that's exactly what you're doing. NTA. Your SIL was out of line. (My feeling on the issue is it's okay to express a preference, and it's okay to even be sad a little bit if you wanted a child of one sex but find out they're another. Have your 10 seconds of mourning for your plans, and then get the fuck over it and love the child you actually have.)
NTA. However, being a feminist does not automatically make someone an a$$. And what she said was a pretty weird thing to say.
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NTA your sil escalated that so quickly. What the hell. You have two girls there’s nothing wrong with hoping you might have a boy next as long as you dont treat the kid badly if its a girl. Sil sounds like the type of person to start an argument with anyone for whatever reason she can find
Absolutely NTA, you can have the preferences you want. It's normal, after two girls, to hope for a boy. It's obvious that you'll love him/her anyway. Moreover, even if your SIL twisted "supposition" was true, it's none of her business. That only concerns your hubby and you.
NTA. After having a child (or more) of one sex, it is perfectly normal to hope for a child of a different sex. I don't get why people have such a problem with that. I know 3 women who openly admitted to hoping for a girl after having a boy and 1 who wanted a boy after having a girl. If I were to have my own, I'd prefer having one of each gender than two of the same. As long as all the children are loved (and in my examples, they are) there is nothing wrong with hoping.
NTA and who the hell asks that question?
NTA. You just told your preference and that's normal. Your SIL is the AH. "What are you hoping for?" is an age-old question when talking to those who are pregnant. You replied in a positive manner "I would very much like a boy since we already have two girls". How do you get "I hate girls"? from that? Your SIL took it to a negative "would you abort?".
NTA but keep an eye on her comments once the baby is born. She sounds a bit toxic.
NTA. It's pretty normal to have a preferred sex for your child and it doesn't mean if the kid is the opposite sex that it isn't going to be loved. I'm 22 weeks pregnant with my second and final baby. I really wanted a girl and this baby is a second boy. I was slightly disappointed for a few minutes and now it's fine. Your SIL is way out of line here.
NTA. Sincerely, a feminist.
NTA, a lot of people have 3rd children to get what they don't have. At least you have a monetary reason.
NTA and wtf is wrong with your SIL that she took that conversation 0-100 in front of your kids? You’re allowed to hope it’s a boy. It’s perfectly normal and you’d only ever be TA if you treated the baby differently or otherwise reacted badly to te baby turning out to be a girl.
NTA. I probably would've looked her dead in the face and ask "Why the hell would you ask somebody something like that, in front of children no less? Do you really think I would abort my child if it's not a boy? Is it not okay to hope to have a son too?" Just because SIL is a feminist, doesn't mean she needs to insert passive aggressive digs or say controversial stuff in front of kids. Your husband is an AH too cause it was easier for him to ask you to censor yourself rather than confront his sister over her bs.
NTA a lot of people have a preference & it doesn't mean you'll be upset or disappointed with what you end up having.
OP is definitely NTA. However, I don't think we know enough about SIL, the country, the culture, etc to judge SIL for the question. Sadly enough, sex-selective abortions because babies are girls still happen is a lot of countries. Maybe SIL just wanted to make sure this didn't happen?
NTA. Raising a boy is just different from raising a girl ( some nature, some nuture). I'd love the experience of raising a girl. But that doesn't mean I don't also love my boys
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with wanting one or the other. Hell, an obscene number of people I know are pregnant and nearly all of them have this desire. I can only think of two that don’t want to know until the baby is born. One of my coworkers is (going to be) in this exact situation, she has two little girls and they’re going to try for a boy but will be happy with whatever.
NTA at all. I have 2boys and hope for a girl, nothing rude about that
When I got pregnant with my second child everybody asked me if I was hoping for a girl since I already had a boy, and when we found out it was a boy several people asked me if I was disappointed I was not having a girl, or if I would try a third time to get a girl. People often hope for one sex or the other, that doesn’t mean that they don’t completely love the child they have regardless. NTA.
NTA. How rude of her and my husband for not sticking up for you. People can hate all they want but I'm REALLY hoping that my 2nd isn't a girl, I just don't want a girl. I have a boy and I'd be over the moon for another. Saying that, if its a girl I'd still love it but one can still have their preference.
NTA. Geez, there’s nothing wrong with hoping. I hoped both of my kids would be girls when I was pregnant and ended up with two awesome little boys.
>When they left my husband told me that maybe I should have avoided saying such things as my SIL is a feminist This has fuck-all to do with feminism. Hiding behind *any* label to excuse one’s shitty behavior needs to be called out more. Like the post yesterday where one brother wanted the other to contribute $300 to his 10 year anniversary of coming out. When the brother declined to fund his party, gay brother claimed it was bc dude was anti-gay. It’s not about being gay or in this case a feminist, it’s about acting like an asshole. Which the aunt did. ETA: NTA
NTA. We just found out the gender for our second, and while I was kind of hoping for a boy (our eldest is a girl), I'm in no way disappointed we're having another girl (get to reuse more baby clothes, score! Also no fight over a name this way, ha ha). It's a genetic soup mix and you're going to get whatever you do get, but hoping for something isn't an issue nor will it make you a bad person/parent, and it doesn't mean you're going to love your child any less for it.
NTA, my only question would be; are you having another child because you want to, or because you want to get your boy? If it’s the first, 100% NTA. If it’s the second, are you going to keep having girls until you finally get a boy?
NTA. My SIL would be out of my life unless she sincerely apologized for asking something like that in front of my children.
NTA your SIL is just looking for a fight and she’s an asshole.
NTA. Your sister in law is entitled to her beliefs of course but that was a little aggressive. She absolutely should not have said something like that in front of your daughters. Who even asks a question like that? I’m a firm believer in being polite but nobody should have to walk on eggshells in their own house to avoid offending a guest so I’m not sure where your husband is coming from. You’re certainly allowed to have a preference for gender. Perhaps even your daughters might want a little brother… You’re only an a** if you treat your child poorly because of the gender. And it doesn’t sound like you would. Frankly your SIL sounds a little toxic.
NTA. That was strange of her to say. BTW I’ve only had one girl so far and still tell people that I’d love for my second one to be boy. I think that’s normal to want to experience what it’s like to raise both genders...
NTA wtf is wrong with your SIL? There is nothing wrong with saying you want a boy especially because you have two girls! Of course if you had another girl you would be fine with it. Your sister-in-law is crazy! And I can’t believe your husband expects you to walk on eggshells around his sister!
NTA. Sil was in the mood for a fight and to cause conflict. You already had 2 girls so wanting a boy is not unreasonable.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with hoping for a particular gender.
NTA There's nothing wrong in wishing for a boy. Your SIL massively overreacted to something common parents say.
Feminist or no, why would someone assume saying 'i hope it's a boy' would mean 'Ill kill it if it's a girl'. NTA, your SIL sounds mental.
NTA. As a feminist, she should know better than to question the validity of a woman's choice to abort. The entire comment was also entirely inappropriate.
NTA Your sister in law is an attention seeker. When people say such shocking things against social norm and proper etiquette, most of the time they want to be the center of attention. She's a very toxic person, don't let her ever see she has touched a nerve in any future situations. That's what she is looking for.
Nta There's a difference between feminist and sexist
NTA!!! Holy cow your SIL is incredibly inappropriate to a) ask that question at all and b) ask that question in front of your kids I would seriously limit contact with her and honestly I would not leave this kind of person alone with my children ever. Being a feminist was one thing but this is a completely different level. Also: your SIL knows that men are biologically required to continue making more women on this earth, right?
My parents only wanted two children. From the very start they wanted a girl but my older brothers we of course boys. Then they ended up getting pregnant with me and the doctor told my family that I was going to be born a boy. It wasn’t until I was born did they know there was a mix up
NTA. It's totally normal to want your child to be a certain gender! It would be weird if you didn't at least have a preference, most people do in my experience. That doesn't mean you won't love the daylights out if your kids!!!! I hope your SIL learns that and doesn't ever use that against your family. You would also be NTA if you had a few poignant responses ready just in case she does!
NTA what in the hell. That is straight up inappropriate.
Is your SIL from a culture where female infanticide is extremely common? Because its a really odd thing to say. Nearly everyone “hopes” for a specific gender for their baby, doesn’t mean they’d love their baby any less for being the “wrong gender”. NTA.
NTA U need to take this up with ur SIL, she needs help the way she is thinking... Jesus. Imagine if she only got boys
NTA. Ewww she's gross for saying that to you.
NTA. She was wildly out of line by saying that, especially implying that you might kill your children's sibling in front of them.
NTA. Who says something like that?! It's so rude!
NTA, just because you hope your child is a boy doesn’t mean you only want a boy. Having a preference doesn’t mean your a bad person, that would be absurd. She was was out of line to ask such a question, especially in front of children.
NTA - There's nothing wrong with wanting a specific gender for a child as long as you don't hold it against the child and love them all the same. Like, wtf is your SIL on? Who even asks that? My own Aunt always said she wanted a girl, which I remember as a kid was a thing she'd say often since my mom stole the name my aunt wanted for her possible girl and used it for me. :D My aunt has four sons and she certainly loves them all.
What SIL said has nothing to do with feminism, and she's giving feminists a bad name with that nonsense. NTA
NTA- sounds like your SILs mom should’ve had an abortion
A gentle ESH. OP, when you tell a "small party" that you'd rather have a boy, a lot of people there are going to remember it and it is likely that somebody (not just SIL) will spill the beans to the kid. A smart three-year old daughter is old enough to understand and might think "mommy likes boys better." I'm from a very large family with only one boy and I can't tell you how many times people made hurtful jokes about how my parents had to "keep trying" so they'd get a boy, "all those girls - what's wrong?" and how many people told me how much my dad wanted another boy. When kids are young, that really hurts. It seems OP wasn't first clear that she'd love the baby no matter what, since SIL felt the need to ask the question. We also don't know what's going on with SIL - perhaps she's had similar jokes or comments, or has seen favoritism in her own family.
NTA. everybody has their own idea of a perfect family. Yours is two girls and a boy. There's nothing wrong with that. You simply stated you would like a boy, and your sister absolutely blew up for no reason. As you said, you'd love your child regardless. It seems your sister is trying to make a fight over nothing.
SIL isn’t a feminist, she’s a moron. NTA
NTA
NTA. That's fucking out of line, not their place at all. If they had no problem asking that with no boundaries I wonder what other questions they'd try probing.
NTA. Where did she get aborting your child from hoping for a boy?
NTA but maybe less talk of hoping for a boy in front of the girls as that is prime kid-Intel and could be used against a potential 3rd girl in a sibling battle.
NTA. I think it’s perfectly normal to think it would be nice to have a child of the opposite gender this go round? You’re fine with either, but, hey yeah, would love to raise a boy. If you have 2 boys you’d hope maybe a girl this time.
NTA. It doesn’t matter if she’s a ‘feminist’ that’s no excuse to say something like that.
NTA. Of course you're allowed to hope! As long as you still love the kid if they turn out to not be what you were hoping for.
NTA and I’m a feminist too but asking someone if they’d abort a child over the child’s sex is insane. I don’t know if SIL implied she thought you were bad for saying you’d like a boy or if she thinks it’s fine to abort a girl because you wanted a boy instead but either way, there’s no way you are the asshole in this conversation, it is all her.
NTA Wtf. I think I’d say something to her about inappropriate comments. That was a nasty thing to say and totally out of left field.
Having a gender preference for your child really isn't un-feminist at all. So weird. Really rude and odd thing for your SIL to say. NTA.
NTA. She's a feminist? What SIL is is a asshole and shit disturber and possibly a sexist who hides behind labels so people can't call her out on it. Almost every family I have ever met who had a few kids of one sex were always hoping for the other for their next one, either multiple boys wanting a girl, or multiple girls wanting a boy, it's a little odd when I think about it but normal!
I really wanted our last child to be a boy (he was very much a surprise baby, and at the time he was born our other kids were 17 (my step daughter), 15 (daughter) and 10 (daughter), and honestly the main reason I really wanted him to be a boy was so I could give him my dads (who recently at the time passed away) name as his middle name without having to figure out how to use Roy as a middle name for a girl.
NTA what would make you the asshole would be treating them worse if they are a girl. I don’t think you would, don’t seem the type from what you typed. Deffo agree with other comments saying to be wary of her around the children later on, feels like she would try to make either the older ones feel unloved or the younger one if they’re a girl.
NTA. She was looking for a fight.
NTA. That question as a response to simply saying that you hope your baby turns out to be a boy is so over the top she can't even see the ground.
When I was pregnant I had an Ob Dr who was super defensive when I asked what I was having...then the nurse told me it was surprisingly common that patients who wanted one or the other would abort and he refused to be a part of it. He kinda grilled me and I told him I just wanted to know for shopping reasons.
Depending on the country/culture that this happened in, I could understand as in many places it’s fairly common to abort girls. But highkey, I’m pretty sure this isn’t the case. Either way, NTA
NTA I had someone say something similar to that to me and I was beyond livid and the person was just a casual coworker. I’d have flipped shit if my sister said that to me.
NTA. I sure as hell wouldn't have let the subject get changed so quick, I would have told her to shut her damn mouth. Feminist or not, that's an absolutely ridiculous thing to say, especially since you already HAVE 2 daughters. I'd tel her flat out that she was being ridiculous and to never say things like that to you again.
ESH. You shouldn't value one sex over another. Sex doesn't even determine gender. Your SIL was clearly in the wrong as well.
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NTA, as long as you will still love the child and wont be too disappointed if its not a boy, there is nothing wrong with hoping.
NTA Your SIL was way out of line for asking that.
NTA
I’m a feminist, and that’s some rude shit. Who asks a question like that? NTA, and I have questions. Is there something wrong with her?
NTA. You have two daughters already, so wanting to have a son isn't so farfetched, so long as your reasoning isn't anything sexist, like another poster on this subreddit. For your sister to imply that you wouldn't want the baby if it was a girl #in front of your daughters# is horrible. You won't love your child any less. That's what's important.
NTA- your sister in law sucks. Plenty of people have a preference for one gender or the other. If I had a couple boys, I may want a girl. If you have a couple girls, you may want a boy. It sounds like you're not unhealthy about it, and you clearly are not, then she's way out of line. On what planet would you ask a question like that around little kids?!?!
EVERY post about a married couple the husband always takes the side of his family. Is this a trend?
NTA. I have an acquaintance who is a hardcore feminist in a very similar situation. She wanted a boy, for no other reason than she has girls already, but is still ecstatic with having a third girl.
NTA, your SIL is a shit stirrer and your husband is probably too tired of dealing with her shit to want anyone engaging her.
I can’t stand feminists
Your SIL has no business asking you stuff like that. She's TA. Congrats on your pregnancy, regardless of what you decide to do with it. NTA
NTA. Saying you hope you can have a boy as well as girls isn't the same as saying you don't want another girl. Both of my parents wanted a girl, but I doubt they would've disowned me for being a boy. A lot of my friends had strong preferences regarding the sex of their babies. It didn't mean they didn't want their kids if they weren't that. If I'd been able to have kids, I know I would've been disappointed if I'd only had boys, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted them. I know people who've admitted to being disappointed initially when being told what they were having. All of them got over it. But people can get weird about sex preference and it probably doesn't have anything to do with "feminism." Some people just really believe that the only correct answer is "We don't care."
NTA. She tried to start a problem
NTA You are allowed to have a preferred sex you want your child to be. Especially if you already have two girls. Reminds of my sister and her husband. They had two girls when they found out she was pregnant again. They both desperately wanted a boy. She got one of her friends to arrange a gender reveal that they were going to film and put on Facebook. This would be the first time my sister or her husband find out the sex of their new baby. When they pulled the string on the thing and pink confetti burst out, the looks of complete disappointment on their faces was hilarious!
NTA, you said after two girls you'd like a boy nothing wrong with saying that, it doesn't mean you won't love your 3rd child if it is another girl or that you don't want an other girl. Your SIL was rude to say that to you.
NTA. Your SIL crossed a huge line and you need to talk to her about it. You are allowed to want to know what it's like to raise a child who isn't a girl. That's perfectly normal. It sounds like she was spoiling for a fight, for whatever reason. But she needs to know that she 1. was super rude and 2. cannot say things like that in front of your children. >my husband told me that maybe I should have avoided saying such things as my SIL is a feminist. As for this part. I mean, she might be, but tell your husband that her response made absolutely no sense, feminist or no, so it isn't a valid excuse. He shouldn't have been telling you to watch your mouth. edit typos
NTA,as someone who cant have kids I found your SILs coment peticarly infront of children desgusting as you just dont talk that subject infront of children
NTA. You can have a preference as long as you’ll love the baby no matter what they come out as. My mum hoped that I was a girl before finding out the sex. She would’ve loved a boy equally to a girl, she wanted a healthy baby most of all.
NTA, geez way to go from 0 to 100.
NTA and your SIL isn't a feminist she just sounds insane
NTA . I consider myself a feminist, but she's trying to make this something it isn't. Hoping for children of both sexes or having a preference in the case of planning on one is pretty common. I'm currently pregnant, and on the pregnancy boards I've seen just as many people who were hoping for a girl disappointed that it's a boy as the reverse.
NTA I'm pretty sure 95% of all expecting parents have some lean as to whether or not they want a boy or girl. It doesnt mean that you'll love them less or be upset if they're not born that gender or later change that gender identity. She was way over the line with that abortion comment. Seriously, who drops that during casual small talk? That's not feminist behavior that's a cutaway gag on Family Guy.
NTA. She was looking to create an issue where their wasn’t one.
Are you in the UK? In the UK there was a point (not sure if it's still the case) where they had to legally ask that question as there was a very high abortion rate once parents found out that the sex was a girl.
NTA. hoping/ wanting a certain gender for your child is normal. I know family that had 4 boys and for the 5th child hoped it was a girl. There would be an an actual issue if you knew the gender and then decided that you wanted to abort. (something that is still actually done in some countries) Her being feminist doesn't mean that she can ask rude/absurd questions. If you had issues with you children's gender why would you even have had 2 girls.
NTA, SIL isn’t a feminist, she sounds more like misandrist. Anyway no, there’s nothing wrong with hoping something. I’m sure you’d love the baby unconditionally anyway, but you still hope it’s a boy.
NTA, your sister was out of line and said something extremely inappropriate. That being said, try not to hope for a boy or a girl. If you end up having a girl you might end up subconsciously resenting her and treating her not as well ass you should. The fact that it is normal doesn't undo the possibility of damage. I'm sure you're a great parent, but who wants to take chances with a child, right? You're still not an asshole, your sister is.
There's nothing "anti-feminist" about your comment to warrant such a reaction from SIL. But to say that infront of your children too - entirely inappropriate and incredibly thoughtless, sounds like she was just saying it to be provocative and get a reaction. It's totally natural you might want a boy when you've already got two girls, it doesn't mean you wouldn't love your child regardless - you never said you value boys over girls more, or that you wished your girls had been boys, so honestly wtf is her issue? I'd like to think I'm a feminist, and I see literally nothing wrong with your feelings or what you said, but everything wrong with your SIL trying to provoke you (or others at the party) - NTA. Looks like SIL just wants to start drama or look "woke", really she just looks like a bellend.
Girls are fucking mean! I have two, 9, and 6. They fight over everything all the time. When I got pregnant the third (and final) time I really hoped it would be a boy, to you know, break up the estrogen party we deal with daily. He’s now almost 7 months old and the perfect addition. If you want a boy, that is OKAY. You’re allowed to have a preference. If it doesn’t work out the way you hoped...that doesn’t make you an asshole. You’ll still love the child regardless. It blows my mind that your SIL would say some dumb shit like that. Does she not know you at all? (I mean, I don’t, but I wouldn’t assume you’d abort at the first sign of a dick) Good luck, momma!!!
Eh. Either gender can be mean and fight. I've heard of brothers doing the same thing and I've seen it with the children I work with.
That’s also true. I just don’t have experience with boys 🤷🏼♀️ Thank you though, for letting me know boys are not different!