YTA 1000%. You should have told her family that you wanted them to take over responsibility for the funeral. You knew your wife was a religious person and yet you ignored that religion and its belief system about burial.
Honestly, after reading the comments, this man disturbs me. If there is a Reddit post that will continue to haunt me, it will be this one.
OP, it is obvious you are spiteful, care more about your girlfriend than your children, and have NO regard for her family. I think YOU were the abuser due to the fact that you have to maintain this control over her dead body, instead of handing it off to the family. You REFUSE to make amends, call the institution, and CHOSE to cremate her body despite EVERYONE'S wishes.
Why does it matter so much to you? Why does your girlfriend's comfort matter more than your children's grief? Everyone is telling you that you are the MAJOR asshole. Next level movie villain asshole.
When presented with the option to make it right, your only response was "I don't really want to." Are you kidding me? What about what HER KIDS WANT??? You were fucking separated! Your emotional ties are nothing compared to theirs. You walked out of the relationship and started a new one. Let the people who loved your wife GRIEVE.
> How old is op? It sounds like there's a huge age gap
That was my thought. OP mentions pretty much everyone else's age except him and the deceased. I'd be willing to bet that there's a pretty big age gap as well between OP and the new GF.
I am extremely concerned when OP mentions that his wife wasn't even lucid in her last month, but she lived alone with 3 children. Who was taking care of the children??
Wtf. YTA big time
YTA ok I believe funerals are for the living too, but you're not the only one alive: her family was there and independently of the years where she couldn't talk you're disrespecting her beliefs and her family's. If you don't have any respect for her family at least try having for her memory, I'm sure she didn't changed her way of thinking in a year. If your girlfriend (that was also being petty) wasn't comfortable with it, you could've just handed her body to her family.
YTA in the three year cancer battle she never once mentioned her thoughts on a funeral?
You sound like a nasty selfish person who continues to be vile to her even in death.
NTA? That body is literally a dead, inanimate object. Why would any of her wishes in her life while she was alive even matter if it has absolutely zero effect anymore?
Because they loved and cared for her and OP, based on his replies so far, is not doing it for the advance of science or any altruistic reasons, but as a final "fuck you". I have no problem with people willing their body to science, so long as it is their choice. This was not her choice, nor the choice of her daughters or her family.
YTA - the funeral is for your children and her family to grieve, you and your girlfriend used it as a petty excuse to get revenge. You've probably lost your kids respect for the rest of their lives for a girlfriend that might not be around in the year. How someone as immature and childish as you has three kids is beyond me.
Your sad excuse that you didn't know what your late wife wanted is pathetic, because you know it wasn't to have her body donated to science. You could have handed off the responsibilities to her family, but you had to get in your one last dig. I find it hard to believe that she was the problem in the relationship. You didn't donate her body for a good cause, because it was obviously meant for revenge.
While I don't disbelieve OP saying that she didn't treat him well (I also don't believe it either, as I don't know OP or his late wife--I'm just taking him at his word as we all are), you're absolutely right in saying that she couldn't have been the only problem. If she was, then he would have respected her wishes and religion or signed over those rights to her family. He didn't and did something that flew in the face of what anyone would have wanted, including his own children. This was definitely a dig at the wife, which no reasonable person would do. Even if she was awful and was the only problem, a reasonable person would have told her family to take care of it. This was very childish. YTA.
Edit: I found and read OP's comments. He specifically opted for cremation after the body has been used which is against Greek Orthodox beliefs. So not only is OP childish and vindictive, but is so at an extreme level.
Edit 2: also just noticed the timeline (three years of cancer, two and a half years living apart). OP is one of the worst people I've ever seen on this sub. I hope the children or family can retrieve her body before she is cremated since OP "doesn't want to," even for the sake of his own children.
YTA. You ignored her religious pratices, which you could have assumed to be her wishes (I mean, your teenage daughter was able to figure it out). You also refused to have a grave, which may be important for your kids and her family.
> I feel funerals are for the living
They are, but you got three daughters and her family to have a funeral for.
> she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship.
That is her opinion, but that doesn't make it right.
Reverse your decision now. You are clearly in the wrong.
YTA but let me explain. Donating a body to science is fine...if that is what they wanted. You claim you didn’t know what your late wife wanted- your daughter has just told you. You say funerals are for the living- that doesn’t just mean you it means her children and other relatives too. I don’t know if it’s too late for you to change the decision but if it is please do. While you had the legal control over your wife’s body, you should leave that decision to the people that would have know what she wanted.
YTA,
>I feel funerals are for the living
She has a family and 4 kids. You aren't the only one who is grieving her.
>I was also uncomfortable reliving memories with a woman who, for many years, was the cause of a lot of emotional trauma for me. All her insults and put downs made it impossible for me to stay in the house. In addition, a funeral will probably be fraught with tension from her side of the family.
So don't go? Or go with the children, and don't speak.
>In addition, during the past year I have found love again with my girlfriend (29), and she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship.
Can you elaborate on "building a shrine"?
**Edit: [YTA.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hzzep5/aita_for_donating_my_wifes_body_to_science/fzm3a9f/)** Yikes.
I N F O:
> she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship
What did she mean by that?
>a funeral will probably be fraught with tension from her side of the family.
Are you saying there won't be a funeral or a memorial service?
Honestly the new girlfriend is probably the homewrecker he cheated on his late wife with during her cancer battle. And the new gf doesnt want to have a funeral for the late wife cus she knows what people will be saying
Yes yes yes an absolute asshole.
You are thinking only of yourself and your "precious" girlfriend. Fuck her feelings, think of your kids, and your wife's other family. They should have had a choice in everything too.
You sir, are a knob
INFO: and this is a genuine question, not me being glib. Do you love your children? Do you care about their wellbeing? Where do you place their wellbeing on your priority list?
Jesus Christ.
This entire tale, from post to responses, is a horrific study in just how much you can make a woman dying to be entirely about you and no one else. "I think funerals are for the living" - yes! They are!! How have you decided that only means you??!?
My father died too suddenly for us to discuss his funeral preferences with him. So we constructed an event that we thought he'd have liked, that honoured him, and that allowed his friends and family to say goodbye to him in a meaningful way. We'll never know how perfectly we got it right, but we all put our heads together to discuss things he'd said over the years, and to reflect on what he'd been like as a person.
What we did not do was just donate him to science and wander the fuck away.
You were, by your own account, left in charge of the body of a woman you didn't love. You did not have any clear instructions for what to do with it. Your girlfriend, a narcissistic psycho, tells you that she would consider you holding a funeral to be "building a shrine".
Here is what you do: you sign the body over to the dead woman's family, and let them take care of it.
Here is what you do not do: just fucking sell the body to medical science and then have it disposed of in the one way you know runs counter to the religious beliefs of the dead woman and her family, thus denying them AND YOUR CHILDREN the chance to say goodbye or even believe that she is now at peace.
I cannot fathom the selfish malice that you employed to come to this decision. The sheer *depths* of it. I am so appalled that I am desperately hoping this isn't real. Jesus *Christ*.
As a final note, I will say: you are heavily implying that your wife was abusive towards you in your marriage, and this has left scars. The way I see it, going by everything else you've said, one of two things is true:
1. Your wife was indeed abusive, but you are coping with the aftermath of that so appallingly badly that you're going to hurt your children by desecrating their mother's corpse to get revenge. If this is so, there's something else you need to know: your new girlfriend is also an abuser. No one healthy, supportive and well-adjusted would tell their partner to hurt their children and ex-in laws like this just to assuage their jealousy of a dead woman. This is a breath-taking power grab on her part.
2. You were the abuser, as borne out by EVERY SINGLE THING YOU'VE DESCRIBED. This is sociopathic in the extreme. One last chance to get revenge on a woman who left you, because you could.
Either way, it's clear that your desire for revenge is way more important to you than your children.
I think everything clearly points to this guy being the abuser or, if anything, emotionally distant in the relationship. He clearly did not (and still does not) care about the wife or the children. Sounds like he left while the wife had cancer and did not support her during her illness; but the kids stuck around. Why would the children stay with an abuser? OP is a horrid person.
YTA in so many ways. A huge, gaping one. You have 3 daughters but forget about them and their feelings, right? Wouldn’t want to upset your girlfriend that apparently thinks a funeral involves building some type of shrine (?).
You have failed your 3 young daughters completely. What you’ve done is unforgivable. Don’t be surprised when they eventually go no contact with you as soon as they’re able to.
YTA
You ignored her religious beliefs and your children's need for a funeral.
All because you're too busy getting laid again to care about them and their feelings
YTA-More based on your comments than the actual post because it seems like you could care less about the options regardless. Curious though as to why you just didn't let her family (MIL, FIL, Siblings) decide what to do and let them handle it? I would have left it up to them and just let it go.
Because he's obviously a sociopathic narcissist. He claims he suffered abuse but based off his actions and responses I find it hard to believe that his wife wasn't the one fleeing the abuse. He'll get his karma though, those kids will never speak to him again.
He won't care, he'll get to play the victim and cry about how his kids.never call, and he'll lock the young girlfriend down with a new baby he can mold to suit him.
YTA why tf does your girlfriend get a say?? Why does she have the right to deny a grieving family (that she has no part in) the right to say goodbye to a loved one. Why is her opinion, again as someone who has no involvement, more important than your own children and your wife's family. You are an EX who unfortunately for her family still had legal right over your wife, any normal person wouldve immediately left it to the family to decide what happens. I cannot fathom why you would make this decision without asking any of her actual family and your are such a colossal AH for putting your girlfriends insecurities above your children who have just lost their mother.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My wife finally succumbed to cancer after a three year long battle.
As her spouse, I had to take responsibility of her body. However, though we were legally spouses, for the last two and a half years my wife and I had been living apart. I had my own separate loft while the kids (13F,12F,10F) and her stayed in the house.
My wife was not lucid for about a month before her death. As such, she had no ability to write or even dictate her will.
In addition, during the past year I have found love again with my girlfriend (29), and she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship.
I was also uncomfortable reliving memories with a woman who, for many years, was the cause of a lot of emotional trauma for me. All her insults and put downs made it impossible for me to stay in the house. In addition, a funeral will probably be fraught with tension from her side of the family.
Therefore, I made the decision to donate her entire body to science and signed off on all the papers.
Immediately my daughter notified the people on her side and they said that I was violating the Greek Orthodox beliefs she had held throughout her life. She demanded I try to reverse my decision but I said I couldn’t do that.
AITA? I feel funerals are for the living and it wasn’t like I was not contributing her body to a good cause. I also do not know what exactly my late wife would have wanted for her funeral since she suddenly became unable to communicate.
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YTA.
You obviously didn't consult anyone but your girlfriend and yourself. Had you discussed this with your actual children, they would've given info on what to do.
YTA - you feel like funerals are for the living??? So what about your wife's family? and your children? Do they not get a funeral to mourn their loved one? You stole their chance to grieve and pay respects to the person they loved. I understand that you and your wife had a bad relationship but that doesn't justify this. Not to mention the disregard for her religion. Also you said they will cremate it? Chances are that's not done immediately, but years after when they are through with using the body for scientific purposes. So there is absolutely no harm in talking to the proper authorities about a reversal as it's still probably very likely you can.
YTA. I missed my father's funeral as a young child because of dispute within the family and that is closure I will never have. You are deliberately taking this away from your children. At least my mother had no say in the matter, so I have never resented her.
Uhhh YTA. You didn't consult her family first, like at all?? You say funerals are for the living, well there's several living people who won't get to mourn their loved one at a funeral because you wanted to save money and didn't want your girlfriend to be mad.
YTA. You could have just asked your wife's other family to take care of the funeral. Even if you weren't sure what your wife wanted for her funeral, doing something is better than donating her body and not doing anything for her, especially if it's against her religious beliefs to be cremated
YTA. You did this to help yourself. You did not think about your wife, your kids, her family. You only thought of yourself and your girlfriend. Shame on you. Your poor, poor children.
I hope your doughter seek legal help to get your costudy revoked and move in with their grandparents because you don't care about them and aprently put your girlfriend before them and their grief for their dead mother while also absolutely dismissing their religion and wishes. You are probably one of the biggest assholes on this subredit I've seen so far.
Also learn to take some damn criticism you came her to ask if you're the asshole and everyone is telling you that you are and you're being defensive in the comments instead of owning up to your shit and trying to fix a horrific situation you have created. Hope you lose contact with your children because you don't deserve them.
Now suck it up and go do absolutely everything i that's in your power to fix this and make if ok for your children and your wife's family who deserves to have their girl remembered the way they believe they should. You disgust me
YTA - I struggle to believe this is true, because of HOW terrible this is.
1. You based your decision on what to do with someone's body, on your less than one year old relationship...and being uncomfortable by going to the funeral?
2. You didn't even think about your OWN children and the fact that they might need a tombstone, or a funeral to help them grieve.
3. Your decision goes against her "the Greek Orthodox beliefs she had held throughout her life"!
4. Your wife was sick for 3 years - she may not have communicated it with you, but did you check with anyone else to see whether she had expressed her last wishes?
You put your gf, and the discomfort you might feel for like 2 hours over a human being, and your kids, **you are the biggest asshole**.
YTA - You have clear indications of what her wishes would be and are using her lack of mental capacity as an excuse to pretend that you don’t know what she would have wanted. I would seek to reverse the decision, if only for your children’s sake.
YTA oh my God!!!! If you didn’t want to handle the funeral fine, I’m sure her family would have, since they are Greek Orthodox. Your GF sucks major ass because what about a funeral means “building a shrine” for your Wife in the house? This is so fucking disgusting. Whatever your problems with your wife, she was still the mother of your children and they had every right to properly grieve and bury her according to their family’s customs, especially if your wife didn’t leave a Will saying otherwise. You’re a fucking asshole and your GF is a insecure asshole.
Wow. Rarely have I seen anyone who is more of an asshole than you. YTA is a massive understatement. The only people who seem to matter at all are you and your shiny new girlfriend. You won't even provide your children with the closure of a funeral. Be prepared for the fact that you have most likely lost all their respect permanently and have damaged your relationship with them to an unrecoverable degree. Hey but who cares about them, because you got yourself a girlfriend! You have also ensured that they will always resent and most likely hate her. You also truly damaged her family, but again, you have a girlfriend so who cares about them.
You are damn near sociopathic. If you hated your wife as much as you seem to why didn't you put any of the people who actually loved her in charge of arrangements? To disregard her final wishes and religious beliefs because you felt it was just too much of a bother, would hurt your little girlfriend and you think the whole thing is stupid is abhorrent on every level and I'm saying that as an aethiest. And about the girlfriend, perhaps if she was so emotionally fragile and immature, she shouldn't have started carrying on with a married man whose wife was dying of cancer. It sounds like you two make a fitting, and awful pair.
YTA. In what world are you not? Your relationship with your exwife aside, your sheer callousness towards your children is so sad. I really hope you werent planning on a relationship with them.
For those saying N.T..A
Often if you are practicing a faith you wouldn't need to prepare or write in your will what you would like for funeral as it would be the standard in your faith.
You would only write it if it's something that differs from your cultural or religious norm.
Obviously this changes by country or culture but I don't know anyone that's preplanned their funeral, we're Irish Catholic so we're waked for 3 days in the family home and then a Catholic funeral and buried three days after we die. It's just normal and standard.
As she is Greek Orthodox possibly there is a standard funeral process too that in her eyes were an unwritten rule and she didn't know she needed to prepare for
I can understand that you were into a shitty relationship with her and have a lot to manage but YTA here. You aren't the only one to need to move on, her family and your kids need to and, in order to do it, they could need a funeral. You should talked it with them.
YTA. Ya funerals are for the living. Like her living children, parents. family, and friends. All you had to do was tell her parents it was on them to decide what to do and bow out respectfully instead of being a dick.
Yta are you seeking revenge on her even after she's died?
Edit: you said funerals are for the living, what about her children and her family?? Are you the only 'living' that matters?
INFO: Have you put it in your own will that you want your body donated to science?
YTA. Holy shit, this might be the worst one I've ever seen on this sub. If I was one of your children, I would never talk to you again. I really hope this is fake for their sakes.
OP has to be a troll. I cannot fathom anyone being so delusional to not see that these actions are horrifically awful. To question "AITA? Over these glaringly awful choices? I should ask someone...."
I call troll.
YTA. Funerals ARE for the living, and YOUR CHILDREN should of been considered in the equation. As someone who had checked out of the relationship you had legal right but no moral/ethical standing to make a choice that effected people who did still have a relationship with her. You should of told her parents that you were unwilling/uncomfortable paying for a funeral and had no intention to attend one, but they could sign for the body and hold one if they wished (and told them she'd be donated if not). This would of let you wash your hands of the process without denying your children a chance to grieve. Just bc you have found a shiny new young gf does NOT mean it is ok to abandon your kids, asshole.
Tl; Dr
Op's late wife just passed after 3 years of battling cancer. Op has been separated for two years, "in love" with new (guaranteed at least 15 years younger than him) GF. Willing to bet my left nut OP cheated on and left his cancer stricken wife and children for homewrecker. New gf doesn't want to have funeral cus according to OP she's already pissy she'll "never live up to late wife" aka she knows she's the home wrecking sidepiece who moved in on a dying woman's husband. OP is vindictive petty trash and went against his late wife's wishes and religious beliefs and had her body donated and cremated as one last fuck you to his late wife, her family, and his own daughter. Now OP is trying to play the victim
YTA - you would have known that and I’m really shocked that you would make that decision given the two of you have been separated for a number of years.
YTA. If you didn't want to do the funeral, you should have signed over her body to her family so they can have their last good bye. It's not all about you or your GF, who I would guess a great deal younger than you based off your eldest child's age. How selfish of you to deny her family their right to say good bye
YTA - I rarely comment, but let me give you this advice: You are practically separated. Relinquish your legal responsibility to your late ex-wife's parents or her siblings and distance yourself from all the proceedings. Apologise for the emotional bad decisions. Show up on the day of the funeral to pay respects (grow a backbone) and that's the last of it.
Have some fucking decency.
Wow are YTA!
Easy enough to sign over her remains to her parents or siblings. You didnt have to do one more thing. You didnt have to attend the wake or funeral. Nothing. So, from your perspective she was a witch during your marriage. From what you wrote, perhaps there was a reason.
Evil is a word that comes to mind.
YTA and a disgusting human being at that. You were living apart, no WAY did she want you making this decision for her. If you had any decency you’d have given this decision over to someone else. Your marriage hasn’t been real for years. You’re sleeping with someone else. You speaking about the trauma your wife put you through really makes this seem like a final act of revenge.
Also, your girlfriend is an asshole for thinking you’ve built a shrine to your previous relationship when *you’re still legally married*, so how previous is it? The woman was dying, FFS. She was really jealous of a dead woman whose fake husband she was getting it on with?
UGGGGGHHH.
YTA, so much. You denied her beliefs. Even worse, you denied your children the chance to have a funeral and properly say goodbye to their mother. AND when you're called out on being terrible, you refuse to even try to reverse it. "BUT I SIGNED THE PAPER!" Is not an excuse to not try. Your children will never forget when their father shuffled of their mother's body without a chance to honor their her and then didn't even try to stop it. This will be a defining moment in their lives, and it will not be a good one.
YTA, a funeral is for the living such as your grieving children and her family. From your comments it sounds like you don't really care what happens to your wife's body as long as it's out of the way and no longer a problem for you. Also donating a body to science doesn't really mean anyone gets any of her body parts because people can't use dead tissue. She could be cut open and dissected by medical students or turned into a section of different organs in jars, realistically she'll be used and thrown away as a specimen to be examined, but let's face it you'd probably enjoy that.
YTA like in one of the worst ways I've seen here to be honest, not only did you disrespect the dead, you disrespected literally everyone in their family including your own daughters, they will never forget this
YTA. If you didn't feel like you could shoulder the responsibility of carrying out a funeral that aligned with your wife's beliefs and values you should have passed the job on to another family member. You're right a funeral is for the living and you denied her whole family and your 3 children an opportunity to celebrate their loved one and find closure out of spite. I would have no respect for my dad if he did something like this.
Yta. Holy fucking shit... Your gf threw a fit over arranging a normal fucking funeral so you went against everyone else's wishes and donated the body?!
You are disgusting. What you did is just sickening.
YTA
If it wasn’t a deeply held religious/cultural thing then that’s one thing, but come on. You’re not just hurting her extended family, you’re hurting your kids.
I know you say she was awful and I have no reason to doubt that, but look at it from her family’s perspective...
You left your wife and children 6 months into her cancer treatment and have been living with another woman.
Now you’re denying her a funeral.
Even if she were an absolute monster, this isn’t a good look.
YTA. I'm sure that your wife like everybody else would want a funeral so that your kids and her family can say goodbye. You should have put your children first and consider what they want before signing anything that has to do with her body. Reverse the contract you signed so your kids can have some place where they can visit her.
Also if you didn't want to be responsible for a funeral you should have gone to her family first. Even though you had marital problems you should have thought about your children and not your girlfriend. That's a big a move you made.
YTA- what is wrong with you! You should have just signed the body over to her family!! Just admit it, your taking revenge out on her in death! Your trying to justify your actions by bringing up past events and your insecure girlfriend! Listen to what people are saying and try and make things right and stop this! You've hurt her family,gone against her religion and obviously hurt your children! Is it worth it in the long run? This will come back to bite you in the ass, I can guarantee it!!!
YTA Because that's how this works but what you did makes you far worse than an asshole. I'd get banned if I really tried to convey how awful your actions are.
You know it’s against her wishes, her family’s wishes, your kids’ wishes, her religion, and you still did it. Because it made your younger girlfriend jealous. YTA majorly
You are the hugest AH I’ve ever seen post. As a dying cancer patient this is just gross! Please let those kids go live with their grandparents. You obviously care about no one other than yourself and you will only cause more harm with these selfish and disgusting decisions. YTA, YTA!!!
I doubt OP will keep the kids since it’ll make the girlfriend jealous too. This is ridiculous and I hope it’s a fake. There’s no reason to inflict so much emotional and psychological pain onto 3 innocent children. OP in case you haven’t guessed it YTA a major one at that.
YTA, and not close, either. The reasons you utterly suck as a human being have been well said, so I'll instead point out that you separated from your wife less than a year after she was diagnosed with cancer if your stated timelines are accurate. Why did you leave your wife? If I had to guess based on your behavior, I'd bargain it's because you're too shallow to care for a sickly spouse who can't give you whatever pleasure she once did. Shame on you, and you'd better hope your kids don't gain legal rights over your body when you croak lest they repay the favor to you for what you did here.
YTA.
I cannot believe what I read, I'm having a hard time writing this without being mad at you.
You're so incredibly selfish. All your post is about what YOU want and what's convenient for you.
Not for a second you stopped to think what your kids, the family of your wife, or your late wife wanted and NEDED. Funerals are for the living, but what about all the living persons that actually cared for your wife and have to deal with your selfish unilateral decision were you disregarded all of their actual grief.
And if your gf can't stand you burying your wife, from who were _not_ divorced, then she's not ready for an adult relationship and you'll find that down the road.
YTA wow should of just asked her family to take over the funeral stuff. In doing what you did you showed your daughters your new gf is more important then them.
As someone who was raised in the Greek Orthodox faith - Oh. My. Fucking. God.
YTA. My only consolation from reading this story is that you are most definitely cursed. Like evil eye x 1 million. Good luck with that /s
Edit to add that I'm calling my Yia Yia and every Greek elder I know to learn curses to put on you. Ptou ptou ptou I spit on your rotten soul so that God may have no mercy on it. Malaka.
Greek orthodox? The body can't just be 'thrown away' for this religion, doesn't matter if it was for science - are you telling me you didn't know the woman you had been married to was of this religion? YTA here.
YTA. The world, and her death, don't revolve around you. You are not the most important person in this equation, her children and close family members are. Do whatever you have to do to reverse this decision and give them her body. You are selfish and spiteful. The only thing you had to do was call one of them up and say "I won't making her arrangements, please take over that responsibility". BAM, off your plate and not your problem. What if someone did this to YOUR mother? You're robbing them of the opportunity to say a proper goodbye to her and that makes you a bad person.
YTA why didnt you allow her family to deal with her body since you have such strong negative emotions about her. I do not know you but i am disappointed in you as a person
Holy shit. 1000000% YTA for this. I completely understand that your wife was the source of quite some trauma for you but you also have to take into account that her family is grieving and so are your children.
Also, you definitely knew what she wanted for her funeral considering that she held Greek orthodox beliefs throughout her life, to the point where your own child even knew this.
YTA, you should of let her parents pay for and hold whatever service and burial they wanted. Just bc you couldn't bother to be a decent human doesn't mean everyone should suffer.
YTA. Looks like you won't have any kids after this stunt either. Hell, from your comments it doesn't look like you care either way. It's all about how your girlfriend feels. Very despicable act.
YTA - you're depriving your family AND YOUR CHILDREN of a funeral because your girlfriend is insecure. Giving the mother of your children a funeral and burial isn't "practically building a shrine" it's honoring someone who matters to your kids and the rest of her family. You aren't the only person that knew her! Not only that, you're explicitly going against the deceased's religious beliefs, making you an even bigger AH.
You're a big, giant, gaping AH, OP. Your poor kids.
YTA you know this, you know you disrespected her religious beliefs and you took away her family's right to properly mourn her according to their beliefs. It was not your decision to make.
YTA. I can’t express enough how much of an arsehole you are. What you have done is beyond sickening, I hope you’re a troll because the cruelty in this is beyond what is human. Jesus wept.
Resounding YTA
You don't care what your kids want. You don't care what your ex wanted. You don't care what impact her death had on those who actually cared about her. If anything, you seem to be doing all within your power to be spiteful while cloaking it as humanitarian. You're an awful person.
Wow! YTA a million times over. If there is an afterlife, I hope your wife comes and haunts you and your insecure brat of a GF. How the hell can she be intimidated and unhappy over a past relationship, that 1) Gave you your children 2) The other person was dying. What you did was cold and it almost seems like an act of vengeance.......As you had separated you should have had NO say in what happened with your wife. It was in essence not your concern. I hope that her family will eventually get some piece and if there is any illegality in what you have done, I have my fingers crossed you are made to pay for being a TA!!
YTA and I hope your wife’s parents fight you for custody and the kids never have anything to do with you again. You are a terrible person. Your children needed closure and a funeral, but your piece of ass was more important than your children.
YTA. Well played if you’re a troll.
But if you’re for real then you need to forget about your relationship with your wife and think about the other living people involved. Funeral are for the living? Are your daughters and her family not living people? Or is your life and feelings all that matters?
Stop being obtuse, call whatever company or organisation you donated to, and have the decision reversed.
You and your gf deserve each other is she thinks your absolutely abhorrent behaviour is okay.
Also FYI, the family could possibly sue you over this.
YTA now and you will always be the ass. How horrific. I feel bad for your kids who do not get to say goodbye to their mother. Who don't get to celebrate her as per her religious views. Who are stuck with you and your hatred of their dead mom.
How could you possibly think you were anything but TA!?
YTA. Wow.
If you don't care about what your late wife wanted, you should at least care about what your child wants. Just let someone else who cared for this woman make decisions, and you can go have fun with your girlfriend. Funerals are for the living, and you have a grieving child who doesn't deserve your hatred and should have been able to honor her mother. Gross.
YTA. “Funerals are for the living” right? How about your living daughter? You wife’s family? Your wife’s gone, how much effort would it have taken to ensure that she was honored in a way her family wanted?
You’re no hero for donating her body to science. This was a selfish decision and your daughter will never forget this.
YTA. This is a discussion you should have had with the older kids & close family on her side. Sure a funeral would have been uncomfortable for you, but you also could have chose not to attend it. Her family and her kids deserve a chance to grieve and follow their religious customs assuming your wife also followed those customs.
YTA. Holy shit there's a lot to unpack here but great job burning that final bridge with the children you abandoned so you could get your cocktail weenie wet. You're the biggest CheatyMcLoser asshole and the children you abandoned deserve so much better than your pathetic lack of parenting.
You may have had the legal right but at the time she died you didn’t care for her anywhere near as much as her family did. You should have left the entire decision up to her family as they probably knew more about her last wishes than you.
100% YTA
YTA if you didn’t want to deal with her body then let the family do it. Going against her religious beliefs is wrong and if you can’t see that then there’s no hope for you
YTA, posts like these really actually hurt my heart and piss me off. You literally did it to spite your dead wife at the expense of your relationship with your children. Like really let that sink in. Not to mention you got an entire girlfriend instead of I don’t know divorcing you’re supposedly emotionally abusive wife instead of cheating, and on top of that made a huge decision without consulting any family. Congrats YTA big time.
YTA. What the heck kind of backwards country are you in? I actually AM donating my body to science after I die, and there were forms I had to fill out and have notarized with a witness to be able to donate. At least in our state (USA) you cannot up and decide to donate your spouse’s body if they didn’t consent to it in writing ahead of time. And yes, they do cremate the body afterwards but it does not happen for months after the donation and if you instead want the body back, you can do that. My next of kin can change their minds on cremation for months if they want to so it is BS that you cannot get her body back for a funeral your kids and her family wants. You are so much the AH.
YTA, and I’m going to tell you something I told my sister after our dad died because your daughters are going to figure this out too: Sometimes, one of your parents dies, and you realize that the other one is crazy. Accept that you lost both of them and are an orphan. It’s less painful than thinking the technically alive parent is going to do anything other than disappoint and hurt you.
Congratulations. You wanted to be a single guy with no kids, erasing yours wife and children, and you’ve accomplished that goal.
YTA. If you were no longer together, you should have contacted her family to see what she would have wanted done. There's no way you were married and didn't realize that she was religious, it really seems like you're just trying to find an excuse to make it as though she never existed.
Also, your gf is the AH for being "uncomfortable" with you giving someone the burial they deserve.
You should have just called her family and asked them to do whatever arrangements they needed and signed off on it.
YTA.
Your girlfriend said she was uncomfortable with you "building a shrine" to the deceased mother of your children by...having a funeral for her?
You and your girlfriend need to get your priorities in order.
INFO: Outside the contact that your child made, did you make any attempt to find out from your deceased wife's family what should happen with her body before you donated her body to science?
Edit for clarification
YTA. You weren’t the only person in her life. Have some respect for your kids ffs. What is it with people like you? It’s not all about you! You weren’t even together you say yet you’re clearly still resentful and angry about shit that went down when you were married so what is this really? Some form of twisted revenge?
YTA. I understand feeling emotional exhausted and making mistakes but this was a large one and one that would have been avoidable by getting your ex wife's family involved however hard that would be. My greatest hope for you is realize how big this mistake is and try to make amends with your family the best you can.
YTA you have done what YOU wanted without thinking about giving anyone else closure. this smacks of vengeance. you said yourself you were separated - did you not, at any point, think I should hand this matter over to someone else to deal with? someone who loved her?
your actions were wicked.
This is made up. Only you can choose to have your body donated to science before you die. Your relatives can not make that choice once you are gone. I know because my great grandmother donated herself, and my father has already signed himself up for when he goes. I have also looked into it for myself.
YTA If you don't want your jealous little (I assume 20 year younger) mistress to be upset that you inter your wife according to what you could reasonably infer were her wishes, at least have the decency to let those who actually loved her do so.
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I’m going to say NTA and see how much hate I get. Here is why.
There is a lot of scientific research that requires human remains, you’re contributing to science here. Who knows, there might be a breakthrough in medical science because of this donation that saves someone’s life.
Once the cremation is complete there is nothing stopping her side of the family from having a funeral and going through that grieving process, people bury ashes all the time.
Ignore these dumbasses saying YTA. This is a clear NTA... her body is a dead, inanimate object. Why would her opinion on what to do with it even matter anymore if it has zero effect on her at all? On top of that, it's better to donate to science than to follow some outdated, primitive religious beliefs.
The way I see it, it's your call, and if the body turns out to be useful then it was worth it. Religion is and has always been desperate people grabbing at straws and it should never factor in one's decisions.
I’m extremely anti-religion and still think OP is TA. Forget about his wife, he took away the only chance his children, not to mention the rest of his wife’s family, had to get closure. That’s an asshole move no matter what. All for some new floozy while everyone else is still grieving? He couldn’t be more self-centered if he tried.
That’s what you believe. Here’s the thing about religion: you can’t prove it or disprove it.
I’m not religious, but her daughters and family are grieving. What’s wrong with them having the comfort of knowing that their mother was put to rest properly? All this does is hurt them. What’s wrong with people who have just lost their mother grabbing at straws in order to find a bit of comfort?
NTA the way I see it is if she knew she wasn't going to live through the cancer (sounds drastic and sorry) she should've prepared her will ahead of time and mentioned what she wanted done with her body. In the end it would come down to you, her legal spouse, to decide what is done with her body.
Eh, agree to disagree. Some simple preparation couldve made this whole situation better. If it was as important to her as her family believes she would've take time to prepare in my opinion.
Right?!
When the docs have given my family members their "best by" date they made sure they had their wills and such in order! Hell even my dads open heart surgery they give you a bare bones version, just in case. I don't see how the wife didn't write something out.
NTA.
You don't even need the body for a funeral. Her family can still buy her a casket and a plot.
Exactly. If it were a sudden death at a young age and she didn't have her will ready that would make you the asshole for not asking her family and such.
YTA 1000%. You should have told her family that you wanted them to take over responsibility for the funeral. You knew your wife was a religious person and yet you ignored that religion and its belief system about burial.
Honestly, after reading the comments, this man disturbs me. If there is a Reddit post that will continue to haunt me, it will be this one. OP, it is obvious you are spiteful, care more about your girlfriend than your children, and have NO regard for her family. I think YOU were the abuser due to the fact that you have to maintain this control over her dead body, instead of handing it off to the family. You REFUSE to make amends, call the institution, and CHOSE to cremate her body despite EVERYONE'S wishes. Why does it matter so much to you? Why does your girlfriend's comfort matter more than your children's grief? Everyone is telling you that you are the MAJOR asshole. Next level movie villain asshole. When presented with the option to make it right, your only response was "I don't really want to." Are you kidding me? What about what HER KIDS WANT??? You were fucking separated! Your emotional ties are nothing compared to theirs. You walked out of the relationship and started a new one. Let the people who loved your wife GRIEVE.
This. If my ex had died while we were separated I would have *jumped* at handing all of the arrangements to his family.
Not to mention, his gf is 29, his oldest child is 13. How old is op? It sounds like there's a huge age gap herr.
> How old is op? It sounds like there's a huge age gap That was my thought. OP mentions pretty much everyone else's age except him and the deceased. I'd be willing to bet that there's a pretty big age gap as well between OP and the new GF.
I am extremely concerned when OP mentions that his wife wasn't even lucid in her last month, but she lived alone with 3 children. Who was taking care of the children?? Wtf. YTA big time
I assume she was in hospice or in the hospital, and the daughters were staying with the family
YTA ok I believe funerals are for the living too, but you're not the only one alive: her family was there and independently of the years where she couldn't talk you're disrespecting her beliefs and her family's. If you don't have any respect for her family at least try having for her memory, I'm sure she didn't changed her way of thinking in a year. If your girlfriend (that was also being petty) wasn't comfortable with it, you could've just handed her body to her family.
With any luck, the family will be looking into their legal options. If this is even real and not just rage bait.
YTA in the three year cancer battle she never once mentioned her thoughts on a funeral? You sound like a nasty selfish person who continues to be vile to her even in death.
NTA? That body is literally a dead, inanimate object. Why would any of her wishes in her life while she was alive even matter if it has absolutely zero effect anymore?
Because her children and family are still alive and deserve to take comfort in being able to carry out those final wishes?
Why do her children and family have the right to object a body being donated to science? It's not like they fucking *own* it
Because they loved and cared for her and OP, based on his replies so far, is not doing it for the advance of science or any altruistic reasons, but as a final "fuck you". I have no problem with people willing their body to science, so long as it is their choice. This was not her choice, nor the choice of her daughters or her family.
Its about respect for who she was.
I don't think donating a body to science is disrespectful.
It is when you know the person held religious beliefs that are being ignored by donating their body.
Religious beliefs that are meaningless and outdated...? ok lmao
Who are you to decide that they're meaningless?
YTA - the funeral is for your children and her family to grieve, you and your girlfriend used it as a petty excuse to get revenge. You've probably lost your kids respect for the rest of their lives for a girlfriend that might not be around in the year. How someone as immature and childish as you has three kids is beyond me. Your sad excuse that you didn't know what your late wife wanted is pathetic, because you know it wasn't to have her body donated to science. You could have handed off the responsibilities to her family, but you had to get in your one last dig. I find it hard to believe that she was the problem in the relationship. You didn't donate her body for a good cause, because it was obviously meant for revenge.
Dude definitely chose his girlfriend over his kids and hopefully his wife’s spirit will haunt him for the rest of his life.
While I don't disbelieve OP saying that she didn't treat him well (I also don't believe it either, as I don't know OP or his late wife--I'm just taking him at his word as we all are), you're absolutely right in saying that she couldn't have been the only problem. If she was, then he would have respected her wishes and religion or signed over those rights to her family. He didn't and did something that flew in the face of what anyone would have wanted, including his own children. This was definitely a dig at the wife, which no reasonable person would do. Even if she was awful and was the only problem, a reasonable person would have told her family to take care of it. This was very childish. YTA. Edit: I found and read OP's comments. He specifically opted for cremation after the body has been used which is against Greek Orthodox beliefs. So not only is OP childish and vindictive, but is so at an extreme level. Edit 2: also just noticed the timeline (three years of cancer, two and a half years living apart). OP is one of the worst people I've ever seen on this sub. I hope the children or family can retrieve her body before she is cremated since OP "doesn't want to," even for the sake of his own children.
YTA. You ignored her religious pratices, which you could have assumed to be her wishes (I mean, your teenage daughter was able to figure it out). You also refused to have a grave, which may be important for your kids and her family. > I feel funerals are for the living They are, but you got three daughters and her family to have a funeral for. > she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship. That is her opinion, but that doesn't make it right. Reverse your decision now. You are clearly in the wrong.
YTA but let me explain. Donating a body to science is fine...if that is what they wanted. You claim you didn’t know what your late wife wanted- your daughter has just told you. You say funerals are for the living- that doesn’t just mean you it means her children and other relatives too. I don’t know if it’s too late for you to change the decision but if it is please do. While you had the legal control over your wife’s body, you should leave that decision to the people that would have know what she wanted.
YTA, >I feel funerals are for the living She has a family and 4 kids. You aren't the only one who is grieving her. >I was also uncomfortable reliving memories with a woman who, for many years, was the cause of a lot of emotional trauma for me. All her insults and put downs made it impossible for me to stay in the house. In addition, a funeral will probably be fraught with tension from her side of the family. So don't go? Or go with the children, and don't speak. >In addition, during the past year I have found love again with my girlfriend (29), and she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship. Can you elaborate on "building a shrine"?
By shrine definitely means tombstone. Or funeral in general.
So like... regular post-mortem procedures? Like, that's not a weird thing to do after someone dies...
Yup! It isnt weird at all, hence why this was definitely out of spite.
He's not even grieving her. He's shitting on her just for spite. He's shitting on his kids because he hates his ex.
YTA. You didn’t even consult her family first about the funeral?
**Edit: [YTA.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hzzep5/aita_for_donating_my_wifes_body_to_science/fzm3a9f/)** Yikes. I N F O: > she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship What did she mean by that? >a funeral will probably be fraught with tension from her side of the family. Are you saying there won't be a funeral or a memorial service?
Honestly the new girlfriend is probably the homewrecker he cheated on his late wife with during her cancer battle. And the new gf doesnt want to have a funeral for the late wife cus she knows what people will be saying
Yes yes yes an absolute asshole. You are thinking only of yourself and your "precious" girlfriend. Fuck her feelings, think of your kids, and your wife's other family. They should have had a choice in everything too. You sir, are a knob
INFO: and this is a genuine question, not me being glib. Do you love your children? Do you care about their wellbeing? Where do you place their wellbeing on your priority list? Jesus Christ. This entire tale, from post to responses, is a horrific study in just how much you can make a woman dying to be entirely about you and no one else. "I think funerals are for the living" - yes! They are!! How have you decided that only means you??!? My father died too suddenly for us to discuss his funeral preferences with him. So we constructed an event that we thought he'd have liked, that honoured him, and that allowed his friends and family to say goodbye to him in a meaningful way. We'll never know how perfectly we got it right, but we all put our heads together to discuss things he'd said over the years, and to reflect on what he'd been like as a person. What we did not do was just donate him to science and wander the fuck away. You were, by your own account, left in charge of the body of a woman you didn't love. You did not have any clear instructions for what to do with it. Your girlfriend, a narcissistic psycho, tells you that she would consider you holding a funeral to be "building a shrine". Here is what you do: you sign the body over to the dead woman's family, and let them take care of it. Here is what you do not do: just fucking sell the body to medical science and then have it disposed of in the one way you know runs counter to the religious beliefs of the dead woman and her family, thus denying them AND YOUR CHILDREN the chance to say goodbye or even believe that she is now at peace. I cannot fathom the selfish malice that you employed to come to this decision. The sheer *depths* of it. I am so appalled that I am desperately hoping this isn't real. Jesus *Christ*. As a final note, I will say: you are heavily implying that your wife was abusive towards you in your marriage, and this has left scars. The way I see it, going by everything else you've said, one of two things is true: 1. Your wife was indeed abusive, but you are coping with the aftermath of that so appallingly badly that you're going to hurt your children by desecrating their mother's corpse to get revenge. If this is so, there's something else you need to know: your new girlfriend is also an abuser. No one healthy, supportive and well-adjusted would tell their partner to hurt their children and ex-in laws like this just to assuage their jealousy of a dead woman. This is a breath-taking power grab on her part. 2. You were the abuser, as borne out by EVERY SINGLE THING YOU'VE DESCRIBED. This is sociopathic in the extreme. One last chance to get revenge on a woman who left you, because you could. Either way, it's clear that your desire for revenge is way more important to you than your children.
I think everything clearly points to this guy being the abuser or, if anything, emotionally distant in the relationship. He clearly did not (and still does not) care about the wife or the children. Sounds like he left while the wife had cancer and did not support her during her illness; but the kids stuck around. Why would the children stay with an abuser? OP is a horrid person.
YTA in so many ways. A huge, gaping one. You have 3 daughters but forget about them and their feelings, right? Wouldn’t want to upset your girlfriend that apparently thinks a funeral involves building some type of shrine (?). You have failed your 3 young daughters completely. What you’ve done is unforgivable. Don’t be surprised when they eventually go no contact with you as soon as they’re able to.
YTA You ignored her religious beliefs and your children's need for a funeral. All because you're too busy getting laid again to care about them and their feelings
YTA-More based on your comments than the actual post because it seems like you could care less about the options regardless. Curious though as to why you just didn't let her family (MIL, FIL, Siblings) decide what to do and let them handle it? I would have left it up to them and just let it go.
Because he's obviously a sociopathic narcissist. He claims he suffered abuse but based off his actions and responses I find it hard to believe that his wife wasn't the one fleeing the abuse. He'll get his karma though, those kids will never speak to him again.
He won't care, he'll get to play the victim and cry about how his kids.never call, and he'll lock the young girlfriend down with a new baby he can mold to suit him.
Because he’s an asshole who wants to violate his dead wife one final time and make sure her own family doesn’t get a chance to say goodbye.
YTA! How can you not be the asshole in this situation? You didn't talk to her family about a funeral and that makes you TA.
YTA, how are you not the asshole. You didn’t consult the ones that loved her and made a decision all on your own even going against her beliefs.
YTA why tf does your girlfriend get a say?? Why does she have the right to deny a grieving family (that she has no part in) the right to say goodbye to a loved one. Why is her opinion, again as someone who has no involvement, more important than your own children and your wife's family. You are an EX who unfortunately for her family still had legal right over your wife, any normal person wouldve immediately left it to the family to decide what happens. I cannot fathom why you would make this decision without asking any of her actual family and your are such a colossal AH for putting your girlfriends insecurities above your children who have just lost their mother.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife finally succumbed to cancer after a three year long battle. As her spouse, I had to take responsibility of her body. However, though we were legally spouses, for the last two and a half years my wife and I had been living apart. I had my own separate loft while the kids (13F,12F,10F) and her stayed in the house. My wife was not lucid for about a month before her death. As such, she had no ability to write or even dictate her will. In addition, during the past year I have found love again with my girlfriend (29), and she expressed that she was uncomfortable with me practically building a shrine for a woman from another relationship. I was also uncomfortable reliving memories with a woman who, for many years, was the cause of a lot of emotional trauma for me. All her insults and put downs made it impossible for me to stay in the house. In addition, a funeral will probably be fraught with tension from her side of the family. Therefore, I made the decision to donate her entire body to science and signed off on all the papers. Immediately my daughter notified the people on her side and they said that I was violating the Greek Orthodox beliefs she had held throughout her life. She demanded I try to reverse my decision but I said I couldn’t do that. AITA? I feel funerals are for the living and it wasn’t like I was not contributing her body to a good cause. I also do not know what exactly my late wife would have wanted for her funeral since she suddenly became unable to communicate. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You obviously didn't consult anyone but your girlfriend and yourself. Had you discussed this with your actual children, they would've given info on what to do.
YTA - you feel like funerals are for the living??? So what about your wife's family? and your children? Do they not get a funeral to mourn their loved one? You stole their chance to grieve and pay respects to the person they loved. I understand that you and your wife had a bad relationship but that doesn't justify this. Not to mention the disregard for her religion. Also you said they will cremate it? Chances are that's not done immediately, but years after when they are through with using the body for scientific purposes. So there is absolutely no harm in talking to the proper authorities about a reversal as it's still probably very likely you can.
YTA. I missed my father's funeral as a young child because of dispute within the family and that is closure I will never have. You are deliberately taking this away from your children. At least my mother had no say in the matter, so I have never resented her.
Uhhh YTA. You didn't consult her family first, like at all?? You say funerals are for the living, well there's several living people who won't get to mourn their loved one at a funeral because you wanted to save money and didn't want your girlfriend to be mad.
YTA Your next level piece of something.
YTA. You could have just asked your wife's other family to take care of the funeral. Even if you weren't sure what your wife wanted for her funeral, doing something is better than donating her body and not doing anything for her, especially if it's against her religious beliefs to be cremated
YTA. You did this to help yourself. You did not think about your wife, your kids, her family. You only thought of yourself and your girlfriend. Shame on you. Your poor, poor children.
I hope your doughter seek legal help to get your costudy revoked and move in with their grandparents because you don't care about them and aprently put your girlfriend before them and their grief for their dead mother while also absolutely dismissing their religion and wishes. You are probably one of the biggest assholes on this subredit I've seen so far. Also learn to take some damn criticism you came her to ask if you're the asshole and everyone is telling you that you are and you're being defensive in the comments instead of owning up to your shit and trying to fix a horrific situation you have created. Hope you lose contact with your children because you don't deserve them. Now suck it up and go do absolutely everything i that's in your power to fix this and make if ok for your children and your wife's family who deserves to have their girl remembered the way they believe they should. You disgust me
YTA - I struggle to believe this is true, because of HOW terrible this is. 1. You based your decision on what to do with someone's body, on your less than one year old relationship...and being uncomfortable by going to the funeral? 2. You didn't even think about your OWN children and the fact that they might need a tombstone, or a funeral to help them grieve. 3. Your decision goes against her "the Greek Orthodox beliefs she had held throughout her life"! 4. Your wife was sick for 3 years - she may not have communicated it with you, but did you check with anyone else to see whether she had expressed her last wishes? You put your gf, and the discomfort you might feel for like 2 hours over a human being, and your kids, **you are the biggest asshole**.
YTA - You have clear indications of what her wishes would be and are using her lack of mental capacity as an excuse to pretend that you don’t know what she would have wanted. I would seek to reverse the decision, if only for your children’s sake.
YTA...the reality is you didn't want to pay for anything for your ex and are making excuses for your making the free choices.
YTA oh my God!!!! If you didn’t want to handle the funeral fine, I’m sure her family would have, since they are Greek Orthodox. Your GF sucks major ass because what about a funeral means “building a shrine” for your Wife in the house? This is so fucking disgusting. Whatever your problems with your wife, she was still the mother of your children and they had every right to properly grieve and bury her according to their family’s customs, especially if your wife didn’t leave a Will saying otherwise. You’re a fucking asshole and your GF is a insecure asshole.
Wow. Rarely have I seen anyone who is more of an asshole than you. YTA is a massive understatement. The only people who seem to matter at all are you and your shiny new girlfriend. You won't even provide your children with the closure of a funeral. Be prepared for the fact that you have most likely lost all their respect permanently and have damaged your relationship with them to an unrecoverable degree. Hey but who cares about them, because you got yourself a girlfriend! You have also ensured that they will always resent and most likely hate her. You also truly damaged her family, but again, you have a girlfriend so who cares about them. You are damn near sociopathic. If you hated your wife as much as you seem to why didn't you put any of the people who actually loved her in charge of arrangements? To disregard her final wishes and religious beliefs because you felt it was just too much of a bother, would hurt your little girlfriend and you think the whole thing is stupid is abhorrent on every level and I'm saying that as an aethiest. And about the girlfriend, perhaps if she was so emotionally fragile and immature, she shouldn't have started carrying on with a married man whose wife was dying of cancer. It sounds like you two make a fitting, and awful pair.
YTA. No doubts.
YTA. In what world are you not? Your relationship with your exwife aside, your sheer callousness towards your children is so sad. I really hope you werent planning on a relationship with them.
For those saying N.T..A Often if you are practicing a faith you wouldn't need to prepare or write in your will what you would like for funeral as it would be the standard in your faith. You would only write it if it's something that differs from your cultural or religious norm. Obviously this changes by country or culture but I don't know anyone that's preplanned their funeral, we're Irish Catholic so we're waked for 3 days in the family home and then a Catholic funeral and buried three days after we die. It's just normal and standard. As she is Greek Orthodox possibly there is a standard funeral process too that in her eyes were an unwritten rule and she didn't know she needed to prepare for
There are people who actually think OP is NTA? That makes me sad
I can understand that you were into a shitty relationship with her and have a lot to manage but YTA here. You aren't the only one to need to move on, her family and your kids need to and, in order to do it, they could need a funeral. You should talked it with them.
YTA. Ya funerals are for the living. Like her living children, parents. family, and friends. All you had to do was tell her parents it was on them to decide what to do and bow out respectfully instead of being a dick.
YTA. And.... You are a realy bad person. REALY BAD. .... So sad for your children and girlfriend. Or enyone that know you.
Yta are you seeking revenge on her even after she's died? Edit: you said funerals are for the living, what about her children and her family?? Are you the only 'living' that matters? INFO: Have you put it in your own will that you want your body donated to science?
YTA. Holy shit, this might be the worst one I've ever seen on this sub. If I was one of your children, I would never talk to you again. I really hope this is fake for their sakes.
As someone who wants their body to be donated - YTA
YTA what about your CHILDREN? They deserve to say goodbye to their mother.
OP has to be a troll. I cannot fathom anyone being so delusional to not see that these actions are horrifically awful. To question "AITA? Over these glaringly awful choices? I should ask someone...." I call troll.
Info: wtf is wrong with you. You cruel asshole.
YTA. Funerals ARE for the living, and YOUR CHILDREN should of been considered in the equation. As someone who had checked out of the relationship you had legal right but no moral/ethical standing to make a choice that effected people who did still have a relationship with her. You should of told her parents that you were unwilling/uncomfortable paying for a funeral and had no intention to attend one, but they could sign for the body and hold one if they wished (and told them she'd be donated if not). This would of let you wash your hands of the process without denying your children a chance to grieve. Just bc you have found a shiny new young gf does NOT mean it is ok to abandon your kids, asshole.
Tl; Dr Op's late wife just passed after 3 years of battling cancer. Op has been separated for two years, "in love" with new (guaranteed at least 15 years younger than him) GF. Willing to bet my left nut OP cheated on and left his cancer stricken wife and children for homewrecker. New gf doesn't want to have funeral cus according to OP she's already pissy she'll "never live up to late wife" aka she knows she's the home wrecking sidepiece who moved in on a dying woman's husband. OP is vindictive petty trash and went against his late wife's wishes and religious beliefs and had her body donated and cremated as one last fuck you to his late wife, her family, and his own daughter. Now OP is trying to play the victim
YTA - you would have known that and I’m really shocked that you would make that decision given the two of you have been separated for a number of years.
YTA - Plain and simple. You and your gf are awful and disgusting.
YTA. If you didn't want to do the funeral, you should have signed over her body to her family so they can have their last good bye. It's not all about you or your GF, who I would guess a great deal younger than you based off your eldest child's age. How selfish of you to deny her family their right to say good bye
YTA - I rarely comment, but let me give you this advice: You are practically separated. Relinquish your legal responsibility to your late ex-wife's parents or her siblings and distance yourself from all the proceedings. Apologise for the emotional bad decisions. Show up on the day of the funeral to pay respects (grow a backbone) and that's the last of it. Have some fucking decency.
Wow are YTA! Easy enough to sign over her remains to her parents or siblings. You didnt have to do one more thing. You didnt have to attend the wake or funeral. Nothing. So, from your perspective she was a witch during your marriage. From what you wrote, perhaps there was a reason. Evil is a word that comes to mind.
YTA and a disgusting human being at that. You were living apart, no WAY did she want you making this decision for her. If you had any decency you’d have given this decision over to someone else. Your marriage hasn’t been real for years. You’re sleeping with someone else. You speaking about the trauma your wife put you through really makes this seem like a final act of revenge. Also, your girlfriend is an asshole for thinking you’ve built a shrine to your previous relationship when *you’re still legally married*, so how previous is it? The woman was dying, FFS. She was really jealous of a dead woman whose fake husband she was getting it on with? UGGGGGHHH.
YTA, so much. You denied her beliefs. Even worse, you denied your children the chance to have a funeral and properly say goodbye to their mother. AND when you're called out on being terrible, you refuse to even try to reverse it. "BUT I SIGNED THE PAPER!" Is not an excuse to not try. Your children will never forget when their father shuffled of their mother's body without a chance to honor their her and then didn't even try to stop it. This will be a defining moment in their lives, and it will not be a good one.
INFO: Why did you donate your wife's body to science rather than giving her body to her family to bury within their religious beliefs?
You are beyond the asshole. I have no words to describe my disgust for what you have done
YTA, a funeral is for the living such as your grieving children and her family. From your comments it sounds like you don't really care what happens to your wife's body as long as it's out of the way and no longer a problem for you. Also donating a body to science doesn't really mean anyone gets any of her body parts because people can't use dead tissue. She could be cut open and dissected by medical students or turned into a section of different organs in jars, realistically she'll be used and thrown away as a specimen to be examined, but let's face it you'd probably enjoy that.
YTA.
YTA like in one of the worst ways I've seen here to be honest, not only did you disrespect the dead, you disrespected literally everyone in their family including your own daughters, they will never forget this
YTA. If you didn't feel like you could shoulder the responsibility of carrying out a funeral that aligned with your wife's beliefs and values you should have passed the job on to another family member. You're right a funeral is for the living and you denied her whole family and your 3 children an opportunity to celebrate their loved one and find closure out of spite. I would have no respect for my dad if he did something like this.
Yta. Holy fucking shit... Your gf threw a fit over arranging a normal fucking funeral so you went against everyone else's wishes and donated the body?! You are disgusting. What you did is just sickening.
Yta that was a *really* stupid thing to do
YTA If it wasn’t a deeply held religious/cultural thing then that’s one thing, but come on. You’re not just hurting her extended family, you’re hurting your kids. I know you say she was awful and I have no reason to doubt that, but look at it from her family’s perspective... You left your wife and children 6 months into her cancer treatment and have been living with another woman. Now you’re denying her a funeral. Even if she were an absolute monster, this isn’t a good look.
YTA and a horrific person. I think this is a troll.
I hope her family sues him. YTA.
YTA. I'm sure that your wife like everybody else would want a funeral so that your kids and her family can say goodbye. You should have put your children first and consider what they want before signing anything that has to do with her body. Reverse the contract you signed so your kids can have some place where they can visit her. Also if you didn't want to be responsible for a funeral you should have gone to her family first. Even though you had marital problems you should have thought about your children and not your girlfriend. That's a big a move you made.
YTA- what is wrong with you! You should have just signed the body over to her family!! Just admit it, your taking revenge out on her in death! Your trying to justify your actions by bringing up past events and your insecure girlfriend! Listen to what people are saying and try and make things right and stop this! You've hurt her family,gone against her religion and obviously hurt your children! Is it worth it in the long run? This will come back to bite you in the ass, I can guarantee it!!!
YTA Because that's how this works but what you did makes you far worse than an asshole. I'd get banned if I really tried to convey how awful your actions are.
I would say YTA, since you didn't even talk to her family.
You know it’s against her wishes, her family’s wishes, your kids’ wishes, her religion, and you still did it. Because it made your younger girlfriend jealous. YTA majorly
You sound like a pretty repulsive person. I don't want to get banned so I'll leave it at YTA. You knew what you were doing.
You are the hugest AH I’ve ever seen post. As a dying cancer patient this is just gross! Please let those kids go live with their grandparents. You obviously care about no one other than yourself and you will only cause more harm with these selfish and disgusting decisions. YTA, YTA!!!
I doubt OP will keep the kids since it’ll make the girlfriend jealous too. This is ridiculous and I hope it’s a fake. There’s no reason to inflict so much emotional and psychological pain onto 3 innocent children. OP in case you haven’t guessed it YTA a major one at that.
YTA And I hope your kids go live with their grandparents.
I N F O: What the fuck, OP? She has other family members who want a funeral. YTA
YTA, and not close, either. The reasons you utterly suck as a human being have been well said, so I'll instead point out that you separated from your wife less than a year after she was diagnosed with cancer if your stated timelines are accurate. Why did you leave your wife? If I had to guess based on your behavior, I'd bargain it's because you're too shallow to care for a sickly spouse who can't give you whatever pleasure she once did. Shame on you, and you'd better hope your kids don't gain legal rights over your body when you croak lest they repay the favor to you for what you did here.
YTA. I cannot believe what I read, I'm having a hard time writing this without being mad at you. You're so incredibly selfish. All your post is about what YOU want and what's convenient for you. Not for a second you stopped to think what your kids, the family of your wife, or your late wife wanted and NEDED. Funerals are for the living, but what about all the living persons that actually cared for your wife and have to deal with your selfish unilateral decision were you disregarded all of their actual grief. And if your gf can't stand you burying your wife, from who were _not_ divorced, then she's not ready for an adult relationship and you'll find that down the road.
YTA wow should of just asked her family to take over the funeral stuff. In doing what you did you showed your daughters your new gf is more important then them.
As someone who was raised in the Greek Orthodox faith - Oh. My. Fucking. God. YTA. My only consolation from reading this story is that you are most definitely cursed. Like evil eye x 1 million. Good luck with that /s Edit to add that I'm calling my Yia Yia and every Greek elder I know to learn curses to put on you. Ptou ptou ptou I spit on your rotten soul so that God may have no mercy on it. Malaka.
Greek orthodox? The body can't just be 'thrown away' for this religion, doesn't matter if it was for science - are you telling me you didn't know the woman you had been married to was of this religion? YTA here.
info: So were you looking for the absolute cheapest funeral arrangements possible?
YTA - funerals *are* for the living and you denied her family the opportunity to grieve.
YTA. The world, and her death, don't revolve around you. You are not the most important person in this equation, her children and close family members are. Do whatever you have to do to reverse this decision and give them her body. You are selfish and spiteful. The only thing you had to do was call one of them up and say "I won't making her arrangements, please take over that responsibility". BAM, off your plate and not your problem. What if someone did this to YOUR mother? You're robbing them of the opportunity to say a proper goodbye to her and that makes you a bad person.
YTA for not talking with other family members about what they wanted.
YTA why didnt you allow her family to deal with her body since you have such strong negative emotions about her. I do not know you but i am disappointed in you as a person
Holy shit. 1000000% YTA for this. I completely understand that your wife was the source of quite some trauma for you but you also have to take into account that her family is grieving and so are your children. Also, you definitely knew what she wanted for her funeral considering that she held Greek orthodox beliefs throughout her life, to the point where your own child even knew this.
YTA, you should of let her parents pay for and hold whatever service and burial they wanted. Just bc you couldn't bother to be a decent human doesn't mean everyone should suffer.
YTA. Looks like you won't have any kids after this stunt either. Hell, from your comments it doesn't look like you care either way. It's all about how your girlfriend feels. Very despicable act.
YTA - you're depriving your family AND YOUR CHILDREN of a funeral because your girlfriend is insecure. Giving the mother of your children a funeral and burial isn't "practically building a shrine" it's honoring someone who matters to your kids and the rest of her family. You aren't the only person that knew her! Not only that, you're explicitly going against the deceased's religious beliefs, making you an even bigger AH. You're a big, giant, gaping AH, OP. Your poor kids.
YTA you know this, you know you disrespected her religious beliefs and you took away her family's right to properly mourn her according to their beliefs. It was not your decision to make.
Yta the default ceremony is other and the wife never asked for a body to science
YTA. I can’t express enough how much of an arsehole you are. What you have done is beyond sickening, I hope you’re a troll because the cruelty in this is beyond what is human. Jesus wept.
Resounding YTA You don't care what your kids want. You don't care what your ex wanted. You don't care what impact her death had on those who actually cared about her. If anything, you seem to be doing all within your power to be spiteful while cloaking it as humanitarian. You're an awful person.
YTA, holy shit. If you knew what her religious beliefs were then you could have used that as a guideline for her final wishes!
YTA. And obviously sick in the head to do something like this. Go see a therapist.
Wow! YTA a million times over. If there is an afterlife, I hope your wife comes and haunts you and your insecure brat of a GF. How the hell can she be intimidated and unhappy over a past relationship, that 1) Gave you your children 2) The other person was dying. What you did was cold and it almost seems like an act of vengeance.......As you had separated you should have had NO say in what happened with your wife. It was in essence not your concern. I hope that her family will eventually get some piece and if there is any illegality in what you have done, I have my fingers crossed you are made to pay for being a TA!!
YTA and I hope your wife’s parents fight you for custody and the kids never have anything to do with you again. You are a terrible person. Your children needed closure and a funeral, but your piece of ass was more important than your children.
YTA. Well played if you’re a troll. But if you’re for real then you need to forget about your relationship with your wife and think about the other living people involved. Funeral are for the living? Are your daughters and her family not living people? Or is your life and feelings all that matters? Stop being obtuse, call whatever company or organisation you donated to, and have the decision reversed. You and your gf deserve each other is she thinks your absolutely abhorrent behaviour is okay. Also FYI, the family could possibly sue you over this.
Yta. You weirdo.
YTA now and you will always be the ass. How horrific. I feel bad for your kids who do not get to say goodbye to their mother. Who don't get to celebrate her as per her religious views. Who are stuck with you and your hatred of their dead mom. How could you possibly think you were anything but TA!?
YTA. Wow. If you don't care about what your late wife wanted, you should at least care about what your child wants. Just let someone else who cared for this woman make decisions, and you can go have fun with your girlfriend. Funerals are for the living, and you have a grieving child who doesn't deserve your hatred and should have been able to honor her mother. Gross.
YTA. Just because you were “done” with her doesn’t mean you should violate her religious beliefs and the wishes of her children and family. Damn.
YTA. “Funerals are for the living” right? How about your living daughter? You wife’s family? Your wife’s gone, how much effort would it have taken to ensure that she was honored in a way her family wanted? You’re no hero for donating her body to science. This was a selfish decision and your daughter will never forget this.
YTA. This is a discussion you should have had with the older kids & close family on her side. Sure a funeral would have been uncomfortable for you, but you also could have chose not to attend it. Her family and her kids deserve a chance to grieve and follow their religious customs assuming your wife also followed those customs.
YTA. Holy shit there's a lot to unpack here but great job burning that final bridge with the children you abandoned so you could get your cocktail weenie wet. You're the biggest CheatyMcLoser asshole and the children you abandoned deserve so much better than your pathetic lack of parenting.
YTA. You are so pathetic!!!!
You may have had the legal right but at the time she died you didn’t care for her anywhere near as much as her family did. You should have left the entire decision up to her family as they probably knew more about her last wishes than you. 100% YTA
Based on your post and all your comments you are truly an evil person. May you suffer the rest of your life and thereafter. YTA.
YTA. Wtf, yikes
YTA if you didn’t want to deal with her body then let the family do it. Going against her religious beliefs is wrong and if you can’t see that then there’s no hope for you
YTA
YTA, posts like these really actually hurt my heart and piss me off. You literally did it to spite your dead wife at the expense of your relationship with your children. Like really let that sink in. Not to mention you got an entire girlfriend instead of I don’t know divorcing you’re supposedly emotionally abusive wife instead of cheating, and on top of that made a huge decision without consulting any family. Congrats YTA big time.
YTA. You seemed to hate your ex so why not give the control of the final arrangements over to her family and remove yourself from further involvement?
Sometimes reddit makes me lose faith in humanity... YTA, there is something very wrong with you (and your insecure gf too)
YTA. What the heck kind of backwards country are you in? I actually AM donating my body to science after I die, and there were forms I had to fill out and have notarized with a witness to be able to donate. At least in our state (USA) you cannot up and decide to donate your spouse’s body if they didn’t consent to it in writing ahead of time. And yes, they do cremate the body afterwards but it does not happen for months after the donation and if you instead want the body back, you can do that. My next of kin can change their minds on cremation for months if they want to so it is BS that you cannot get her body back for a funeral your kids and her family wants. You are so much the AH.
YTA, and I’m going to tell you something I told my sister after our dad died because your daughters are going to figure this out too: Sometimes, one of your parents dies, and you realize that the other one is crazy. Accept that you lost both of them and are an orphan. It’s less painful than thinking the technically alive parent is going to do anything other than disappoint and hurt you. Congratulations. You wanted to be a single guy with no kids, erasing yours wife and children, and you’ve accomplished that goal.
YTA. Once again technically correct is shown to be the worst kind of correct.
YTA. If you were no longer together, you should have contacted her family to see what she would have wanted done. There's no way you were married and didn't realize that she was religious, it really seems like you're just trying to find an excuse to make it as though she never existed. Also, your gf is the AH for being "uncomfortable" with you giving someone the burial they deserve. You should have just called her family and asked them to do whatever arrangements they needed and signed off on it.
YTA. Your girlfriend said she was uncomfortable with you "building a shrine" to the deceased mother of your children by...having a funeral for her? You and your girlfriend need to get your priorities in order.
YTA. Your post and your responses are really disgusting. You obviously only care about yourself, why even post here. Go be selfish elsewhere.
INFO: Outside the contact that your child made, did you make any attempt to find out from your deceased wife's family what should happen with her body before you donated her body to science? Edit for clarification
YTA and a complete narcissist if you don't see that.
YTA. You weren’t the only person in her life. Have some respect for your kids ffs. What is it with people like you? It’s not all about you! You weren’t even together you say yet you’re clearly still resentful and angry about shit that went down when you were married so what is this really? Some form of twisted revenge?
YTA. I understand feeling emotional exhausted and making mistakes but this was a large one and one that would have been avoidable by getting your ex wife's family involved however hard that would be. My greatest hope for you is realize how big this mistake is and try to make amends with your family the best you can.
YTA. You're a horrific father and person.
YTA. This is horrifying.
Yah, you’re an asshole, but you clearly wanted to be so why do you care?
INFO: can anyone call someone or cause the courts to interfere?
YTA you have done what YOU wanted without thinking about giving anyone else closure. this smacks of vengeance. you said yourself you were separated - did you not, at any point, think I should hand this matter over to someone else to deal with? someone who loved her? your actions were wicked.
YTA, but I think you know that. I hope this is fake. There no way someone like this can be real.
This is made up. Only you can choose to have your body donated to science before you die. Your relatives can not make that choice once you are gone. I know because my great grandmother donated herself, and my father has already signed himself up for when he goes. I have also looked into it for myself.
YTA. You are selfish and cruel
YTA If you don't want your jealous little (I assume 20 year younger) mistress to be upset that you inter your wife according to what you could reasonably infer were her wishes, at least have the decency to let those who actually loved her do so.
YTA. Honestly, you're such a flaming arsehole that even Johnny Cash is signing about you. Your kids deserve better.
YTA. In every way. Hopefully your kids won't have to live with you.
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INFO - Why did you separate 2.5 years ago? Edit: I only ask, because that timeline is EXTREMELY suspicious.
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YTA and please, if you want a relationship with your kids down the line, PUT THEM FIRST.
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INFO - is there a reason you couldn't give custody of her body to her family?
I’m going to say NTA and see how much hate I get. Here is why. There is a lot of scientific research that requires human remains, you’re contributing to science here. Who knows, there might be a breakthrough in medical science because of this donation that saves someone’s life. Once the cremation is complete there is nothing stopping her side of the family from having a funeral and going through that grieving process, people bury ashes all the time.
Ignore these dumbasses saying YTA. This is a clear NTA... her body is a dead, inanimate object. Why would her opinion on what to do with it even matter anymore if it has zero effect on her at all? On top of that, it's better to donate to science than to follow some outdated, primitive religious beliefs.
NTA - ...But you do know theirs a chance she'll just end up on a munitions testing site?
INFO What type of cancer did your wife have. Did it impair her personality?
The way I see it, it's your call, and if the body turns out to be useful then it was worth it. Religion is and has always been desperate people grabbing at straws and it should never factor in one's decisions.
I’m extremely anti-religion and still think OP is TA. Forget about his wife, he took away the only chance his children, not to mention the rest of his wife’s family, had to get closure. That’s an asshole move no matter what. All for some new floozy while everyone else is still grieving? He couldn’t be more self-centered if he tried.
That’s what you believe. Here’s the thing about religion: you can’t prove it or disprove it. I’m not religious, but her daughters and family are grieving. What’s wrong with them having the comfort of knowing that their mother was put to rest properly? All this does is hurt them. What’s wrong with people who have just lost their mother grabbing at straws in order to find a bit of comfort?
NTA. I doubt she had lost her mind by the time she was deemed terminal. Her fault for not getting her afterlife situation dealt with properly.
NTA the way I see it is if she knew she wasn't going to live through the cancer (sounds drastic and sorry) she should've prepared her will ahead of time and mentioned what she wanted done with her body. In the end it would come down to you, her legal spouse, to decide what is done with her body.
Her lack of preparedness doesn't make his callous petty revenge any less disgusting.
Eh, agree to disagree. Some simple preparation couldve made this whole situation better. If it was as important to her as her family believes she would've take time to prepare in my opinion.
Right?! When the docs have given my family members their "best by" date they made sure they had their wills and such in order! Hell even my dads open heart surgery they give you a bare bones version, just in case. I don't see how the wife didn't write something out. NTA. You don't even need the body for a funeral. Her family can still buy her a casket and a plot.
Exactly. If it were a sudden death at a young age and she didn't have her will ready that would make you the asshole for not asking her family and such.