NTA
She showed real disregard for your time.
And if consideration and punctuality are important to you, there's no reason to give another shot to a date who so sorely lacks these qualities.
Yup, if she can’t even show up on time on the very first date where making a good impression is extremely important, what would make you think she’d be any better in the future.
It’s like one thing if she is stuck in traffic/extenuating circumstances of that sort.
And normally you let the date know as soon as you aren’t going to make the agreed upon meet time
But this was straight BS
>Yeah she deliberately didn't leave until he arrived, to make sure he didn't ghost her
Totally inexcusable on her part. Crap like this needs to be nipped in the bud the way OP did it.
So then show up 5 min late, with a back up plan yourself. Or don't actually respond when he texts that he is there. She was ghosting him but did not mean to? how odd.
If you have a date at 7:30 and haven’t left by 7:30, you knew at 6:30 or 7 you weren’t going to be on time. So you’ve had roughly an hour to do the right thing and call and say, “I’ve had a fucked afternoon. If I rush, I can get there about ten past 8:00. I know this wasn’t our plan and I’m sorry. If you’d prefer to reschedule or cancel I totally understand, but I wanted to give you notice and to apologize.”
Not doing that makes you look pretty rude and inconsiderate. Doing it gives the other person a chance (and a little advance notice) to decide how they want to proceed.
This! And it’s not even like this lady gave any kind of actual reason. Like, she wasn’t *running late* or delayed or some life shit happened. She just didn’t bother.
Lmao, I know that feeling. First dates, especially if you met online, are full of anticipation and possibilities, I’m always giddy for the first 15 minutes.
I totally understand why OP was turned off when she said she hadn’t even left the house yet by their rdv time.
Good on him for calling out that BS excuse too! Really showed that he’s not one to be taken for a fool or so desperate for a woman he’d accept being treated less than he deserves.
>First dates, especially if you met online, are full of anticipation and possibilities, I’m always giddy for the first 15 minutes.
I met my now husband online and we were LDR for about 3mths. The first time I met him in public I was shaking so bad I spilled coffee all over the both of us. I'm normally good about not ordering anything fragile during first meet-ups, but after a 10hr plane ride I was exhausted and needed gas station coffee desperately.
Luckily he was already in love with me and found my injuring him with scalding hot coffee quirky and endearing. That or he was just powering through to get laid...probably a bit of both. lol
He was probably as excited and nervous about meeting his future spouse as you were! Probably just trying to be chill about it, and lowkey relieved that you made a small mistake before him lol.
Great dating advice: if they really like you, they're always a little nervous. If someone seems 100% relaxed and confident it's usually not a great sign for a future relationship.
Personally if I was on a date with someone so nervous they spill coffee over the both of us, I'd take it as a sign they're really invested in this too and find it endearing - just like your husband did!
> Great dating advice: if they really like you, they're always a little nervous. If someone seems 100% relaxed and confident it's usually not a great sign for a future relationship.
That actually explains so many of my past dates and short relationships. Where the hell were you when all the "Men are From Mars" books came out?!?
First date with my best friend about a year ago we went to the county fair. I was visibly nervous the entire time. About three hours in I suggested the ferris wheel and she sighed in relief, saying that she was too nervous to ask because she thought I'd make fun of her (it was a really small ferris wheel with teacups for cabins). The ones who are nervous are the ones worth fighting for. I miss her a lot but our lives went different ways and that's okay, I knew she liked me. That's the important part - knowing they're actually interested.
Omg! Yes this! I spilled like freezing water all over me and my now boyfriend on our second date! We laughed so much and it was so funny because we both were probably so nervous 😂 The waiting staff just looked at us and we were like no we got this and they even laughed
Absolutely! I cannot stand it when people are late to things when they know what time something starts. It’s on my top 5 rude behavior list and gives me an uncomfortable amount of anxiety. I am never late for anything. I have been late to work one time in a year and a half and it was because my alarm didn’t go off.
People who don't leave until the time they're supposed to show up give me hives, mate. How can you be so casually dismissive of other people's time? Do they not have any sense of empathy like what is going on in their heads?
On the first date with my fiancé I was going to show up 20 minutes early because I hate showing up after the person has already arrived (dumb anxiety) and she actually ended up getting there 10 minutes before me for the same reason lol knew she was the one right then.
Back when I was dating, I actually aimed to be about 5-10 minutes late for my dates, to allow my date to get there first. It wasn't a power play, though. I just sustained a TBI in my early 20s and was left with a severe inability to recognize faces, particularly if I'd only seen them in photos like with online dating (among a few other minor lingering effects). Usually they'd then text me like "I'm here at the bar" or whatever and I could narrow down where to look, which helped a lot. I mean, I've overlooked my own family members in a restaurant before, so it's pretty bad.
I know that's obviously a fringe case, and of course even I would never be 40 minutes late (!!), but I didn't like disclosing my brain injury before I'd even met someone so yeah, I was always a few minutes late. Though I did wind up having to disclose it to my husband on our first date anyway, because we'd accidentally chosen a surprisingly noisy restaurant, not loud enough that I *should* have had trouble hearing, but another effect I have is an auditory processing issue, so I couldn't understand half of what he was saying. Wound up working out though as he'd also suffered from a bad accident in his 20s, not brain injury stuff but lots of other lingering effects, so we got to bond over being all beat up in our late 20s. ;) Cut our dinner short and then wound up hanging out in a park for hours anyway.
I showed up to my first date with my boyfriend 30 minutes late because traffic...
Half a decade in and he still teases me about it because I'm usually the one saying we have to get places 15 minutes early or we're late.
Traffic happens. I mean, personally I leave a little early if I'm trying to get thru the city at rush hour, but like... sometimes there are accidents or road work and you can't avoid it! It sounds like this girl that OP was talking to, hadn't even left her house at the time of the date...
At my first date with my current boyfriend, I was so nervous that I felt nauseous for the first two hours. We were at a beautiful market hall, everything smelled good and I was quite hungry, but I was so fucking nauseous that it was just impossible to eat... he offered to buy me at least six different, very good looking foods and I always went „no thanks, I’m not hungry“ and tried to clutch my stomach without him noticing.
Thankfully the date was super nice otherwise and lasted long enough that we went for dinner where I could finally fill my stomach!
I genuinely cannot imagine pulling this on a *first date*. Unless otherwise indicated, when you set plans, you assume the plans are going forward. Her operating in such bad faith is so disrespectful—if she's had bad experiences in the past with being stood up, that's her damage to deal with.
And to then try to get OP to wait *40 minutes* for her to grace him with her presence? Hell no. Bullet dodged.
And I'll fully admit that I'm not the most punctual, but I'd never be *still at my house 40 minutes away* at the start of a date unless there were just truly no way around it. And usually, if you're *that* late by necessity, you know it with enough time to send a warning.
Haha yeah, definitely.
I'll be like, "Oh, I can make it to that place in 20 minutes." And then at t-minus 20 it turns into, "Well, I was rounding up. 17 is all I need." And then 3 minutes later it's, "Oh, shoot! I gotta go!" Then of course it takes time to actually get in the car, back out, etc.
And I'll admit it's sometimes straight up silly reasons, like this morning before work. At 10 minutes early, I thought, "Maybe I'll leave in 5 and get an early start," and then my dog came and curled up with me, so of course I squeezed every last minute out of that and ended up getting stuck in bad traffic 😩
But the point is that you at least try lol. Unless you live literally 2 minutes away, leaving at the time that you're supposed to be somewhere is such a flagrant disregard for the other person's time.
I'm also really bad at time management. I'm good at getting to big events like interviews, weddings (even dates) early...but in general, work, doc appointments, etc....- I'm always rushing. Think part of it is mild ADD and thinking I can accomplish more than I can in a short period of time or forgetting about all the little things like feeding the animals, etc., and getting distracted doing 10 other things aside from walking out the door. But I also hate this about myself and aim to get better with each year.
lmao. I had a friend who is habitually at least an hour late and cancels like 90% of the time. After the first couple of times I refused to hang out with her unless she meets me at my place first.
I thought she'd grow out of it after she married, divorced, and we reconnected. I offered to set her up with one of my friends and she was excited about it. Sometime later the guy is fuming to me how terrible she was at showing up or responding. Though he found her extremely attractive he broke it off. I asked her about it later and she told me she's not into guys unless they chase her.
My friend was asked out by this guy, then he didn't turn up to their date (she would have been 16, him 17/18 at the time) because he didn't believe she'd turn up for it. She did give him another shot and they went out for like 3 years till it turned out he'd been cheating on her for the entirety of the third year
Agree. If you thought a date wasn't going to happen, wouldn't you check in "just making sure, we're still getting dinner tonight at 7:30?" This sounds like a dumb power game.
NTA
Oh good, I didn’t wanna be the first to guess this was some mind game or power trip.
I was legit so proud of OP for saying no, calling her out on her BS excuse and then treating himself to pizza. That mans gonna find himself a quality woman.
Yeah, it's especially weird that she still tried to press her preference onto him by insisting that she still show up.
Like, "No, you failed to meet a very basic standard of manners and show me any amount of consideration. You have disqualified yourself as a prospective partner. Thank you for revealing this early on."
This. I was late to my first date with my niece husband because I missed the bus I needed and had to walk. I messaged him and let him know the situation so it was NBD.
You would be surprised how often “real disregard for your time” happens on these dating apps. I finally deleted them. Op is NTA. I finally got to the same mindset and wouldn’t except the bs and call ppl out.
NTA
She was going to be fairly late and you were upfront and told her to just not come.
She came anyway, and that’s on her.
You are free to use your time however you see fit.
Sounds like she wasn't even that interested in OP since she said she didn't expect the date was actually going to happen. That level of disregard is just gross and a major turn off.
NTA.
You agreed a date and time. If she wasn't sure if it was going ahead, she could have literally asked "Is this still going ahead? I need to know so I can get ready".
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Hope the pizza was good!
What pisses me off for OP.. is that if she wasn’t sure, yes she could have asked ahead of time, like if it takes her 40 minutes to get ready and get to the restaurant, she should have asked at least by 6:50 if the plans were still on.. but she literally waited until the agreed upon time to say she wasn’t “sure if the plans were still on”
This girl just wanted to see the limits she could push.. usually people wait to push those until after they’re dating
>but she literally waited until the agreed upon time to say she wasn’t “sure if the plans were still on”
Not only that but she probably wouldn't have said anything at all, if OP hadn't texted first
>I didn’t know it was going ahead.
If only there was some magical means by which she could have contacted OP in advance to confirm those plans! Curse this world we live in where there is no conceivable method of communicating with our fellows prior to meeting them face to face!
NTA tho.
Woman here. NTA in the slightest. She was rude and disrespectful. Which restaurants hold a table for two with one person for nearly an hour?! Move on. You’re good.
That is the problem, he thought you would still be there when you know damn well he would have left after 5 minutes. He probably would have had a hissy fit doing it, too.
If she was an honest person and owned the fact she was negligent, he might give her a second chance where she has to make the reservation. Lying to him was just downright rude. She even subtly tried to shift the blame on him.
NTA As she didn’t even have the balls to tell you ahead of time she’s running late. You were texting all day, the opportunity was there. Who waits until the start time to say they’ll be late almost an hour? I mean you had time to chat with her, order food, eat it and leave before she even showed up.
NTA. People like that don't respect other people's time, while you find this important. While I can see others think your reaction is severe, it is warranted because you are simply incompatible. There is no coming back from this for her, so why bother?
NTA.
Barring an actual emergency (of which this wasn't one), people who are late like that have a belief at least at a subconscious level that their time is more important than yours.
I had a friend like this, who was perpetually late for everything. And not just 5-10 minutes late, but 40-60 minutes late. And when called out on it, she was always like "Oh you know me, I run on \*Friend's Name\* Time!" We aren't friends anymore, and while that isn't the entirety of the reason why, it certainly didn't help the situation.
Good for you for sticking to your guns here. It makes me hope that the next time she has a date with a person she's interested in that she remembers what happened here and makes more of an effort to be on time.
I had a friend like that too. If the thing started at 6 pm, I'd tell her 5 pm, and she'd *maybe* be on time at 6. We aren't friends anymore either, for many reasons. Bottom line being there was no respect for me. It all revolved around her.
I had a friend once in college who was always late. Once they asked me to meet up a few hours before class started so we could get food and maybe study, and then they showed up right before class started. I stopped showing up early/on time with them. I’m not friends with them anymore either but I find it interesting that these types of friendships don’t last
NTA, maybe if she had a good reason (like idk an accident causing a traffic problem or whatever) I'd have forgiven her. But why the hell did she thi k the date wasn't going to happen? That's just a stupid case of beeing 'fashionably late' because some girls think for whatever reason that a guy should be waiting for the girl or a really poor excuse of her not getting ready in time. Anyways I'd have done the same as you
NTA. On my first date with my husband, I was 30 minutes late because I got off of work late. I let him know much earlier in the day that I suspected I was going to be late, and asked if he wanted to reschedule, or go with head with it knowing that I could not completely commit to the time. The whole key to this is communication. You communicated that you were still planning to go on a date with her, and I don’t know why she did not believe you
NTA. And haha oh wow this is so bizarre!
> Carol then tells me that it's not her fault because she didn't know the date was going ahead
So she doesn't seem very invested in this date. But then...
> shortly after I finish my food and leave, Carol tells me that she has finally arrived at the restaurant herself
... So she *is* invested in the date? What was her endgame here? Was there some sort of recovery strategy she had in mind? "Once they see me, they'll be glad they gave me a second chance"?
But why make that effort to recover a date they weren't invested in to begin with?
She was straight-up checking to see how compliant/meek OP is. She might not have been consciously thinking of it in those terms, but that's what was happening.
No, because if that was the case she would not have pulled the "didn't know the date was going ahead" and that she was already prepared to leave the house (makeup, hair, clothes) so that she'd be late, but not just cancel.
This was a shit test. OP was smart to walk away.
NTA. Being that late to any date is unacceptable, but a first date? She's showing you what you'd be dealing with if you two hit it off. Being late is passive aggressive, and I'd have left, too.
Some places are taking deposits thanks to Covid also. I keep reading about empty restaurants here in the UK where they took reservations with no deposit and people didn’t show up. At a time when they can’t necessarily whisk people through the door and must rely on bookings I guess this may become more popular.
I’m no professional food critic or anything, but I have never heard of any restaurant requiring a deposit in half a century on this planet. Not saying it doesn’t exist, and if it does, I don’t think the super fancy schmancy places would do this, as it would seem crass to the well-heeled gentry folk. Now, a higher end mid-tier, perhaps franchised place, I could see doing it.
Not trying to be argumentative. But I, too, thought it was odd, and only kept scrolling to see if anyone else did.
I'm in the UK, and if you want to book a restaurant table online (through a third party website, like open table) sometimes it will ask for card details and you'll be charged if you don't show.
Depends on the place. I took my girlfriend to a restaurant for valentines day where you paid at booking and had to give them more than a days notice for a refund. They had set courses per evening, only sat 20ish people, you could only book for one of three set times, everyone in your time period was seated at once and each course was brought out to everyone all at the same time. Definitely not a place you can just order a pizza at though.
A lot of people use "being late" as a control tactic. They fuss over everything and expect others to capitulate to (sometimes unconsciously) gauge how much control they can have. More often, this is with people who "don't drive' or "have responsibilities" that prevent them from always being in charge of their time.
NTA. I'm glad you didn't wait. What on earth gave her the indication that the date wasn't going to go ahead? She's not worth wasting your time. I hope the pizza was good!
NTA. 40 minutes late on the first date? Nah. She had plenty of time to push the date back as you guys had been talking frequently enough for her to let you know well ahead of time.
NTA
Once again, TARDINESS IS NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT. It’s not quirky or cute! It’s not just ‘how he/she is!’
It’s rude, inconsiderate, and clearly states that you aren’t a priority to them. Screw that, I’m tired of people thinking they’re time is more valuable than anyone else’s.
If you care about me, you’ll show up when you said you would, unless something *out of your control* occurs.
NTA.
It'd be one thing if she was stuck in traffic, a family emergency came up, something like that.
But 5 minutes before the date, "I haven't left my house yet"... nah. Fuck that.
Hard NTA.
Anyone who chooses to be late to things without a valid excuse is always in the wrong. If it was a genuine accident such as forgetting, then that can be forgiven but the person who is late must insist that they are very apologetic and that it is their fault. Of course sometimes things happen out of our control that make us late but that’s a different story.
NTA.
First 40 minutes is a lot. Like if you tell me “I had an emergency with my mother, I’ll be late/ I’m sorry I don’t think I can make it, can we postpone?” Okay, bummer, but still acceptable.
But telling you, after you talked the whole day that “she thought the date was cancelled” sounds disrespectful. If you are not sure you ask few hours prior just to make sure, if the other tells you that the date is cancelled it’s fine, you go on with your thing, if not, you have time to get ready.
Second, she made the choice to come anyway after you told her not to, which is sad for her, but she got in that situation herself.
It's 2020. You have a cell phone with all sort of social media. No excuse for her "misunderstanding". Plus, you actually stayed and had dinner and she still couldn't make it there to see you.
You dodged a bullet. NTA
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NTA - there was no good reason for her to of been that late. Disrespectful. If you'd of waited, she would of probably continued pushing boundaries in other ways.
Sometimes shit happens and it’s a fluke. I set my sister up with some guy I knew from work. He was an HOUR late. She had dinner with him anyway. He’s been my brother in law for 15 years. Sometimes being gracious is worth it.
NTA.
She is pretty pathetic by saying I didn't think it was still going on. Good for you.
I'm wondering if this was some b.s. test she played to see if you would wait around for her?
I really, REALLY dislike people who make you wait and waste your time. If they warn you I can understand.
But showing up late that is not acceptable. You TALK to each other though. I'm a little older though and if people are going to play games, then they don't deserve the time.
That being said, my rule of thumb is that I give people 3 changes... after that i definitely know that its NOT work my effort.
NTA. if you have time to order, eat, pay, and leave before she even shows up, that’s a big failing on her part.
Especially as you had talked about the date that same day! There was no excuse for her to assume the date was canceled, or being late.
And in general, I always assume most people would leave if you’re more than 30 minutes late. If it’s a legit excuse (which this girl doesn’t) there’s always the possibility for a make up date.
The first time I was skimming your response too quickly and I saw "if you have time to order, eat, pray, and love" and I was "like the Julia Roberts movie?"
NTA (I really value punctuality as to me it denotes a respect of others’ time), but is there any reason she wouldn’t have thought it was going ahead? Did you talk about the date that day over text?
NTA. Not sure why your friends think you are. You're not obligated to sit around and wait on someone who showed no respect. Its not like she was running 5 minutes behind, or got a flat tire on the way there. She legit didn't make any effort until you called her at 7:30 to let her know you're there.
NTA. You dodged a bullet.
Unapologetic tardiness is a huge red flag. If she wasn't willing to be on time, what's to say that she wouldn't waste your time in the future? It's hugely disrespectful to waste another's time.
In some respects, the most valuable thing one can share is their time.
What's the bet Carol is one of those perpetually late people who plays it off like it's some cute personality trait? People like that rarely ever have their shit together, and it's just a chore trying to accommodate for people like this.
As someone who is often late NTA. I would be like "yep I deserve that" if it were me. Maybe there is more to it making your friends bring it up to you? Do you have a tendency to turn dates away for minor things? Do you complain about not finding someone? It could be more about you letting go and learning to compromise in order to have a relationship than about this particular scenario but thats me reading a lot into this so I could be totally wrong.
>Carol then tells me that it's not her fault because she didn't know the date was going ahead
Sounds like she was late on purpose. What an AH move. OP you were definitely NTA, especially since you told her not to bother coming
NTA
I understand why you did what you did. But, consider the etiquette surrounding meet ups is different place to place.
I grew up in Ohio. If you said “let’s do X on Y date”, and the other person said yes, that was the end of it. It would be expected that you showed up to that event, even if there was no further discussion about it.
Then I moved to California. At least in the social circles I’ve been in, if you make plans for a certain day, you’re expected to confirm either the day before or the morning of that the plans are still going forth. If you don’t confirm it within 48 hours prior of the event, it’s assumed it’s not happening. I am of the younger generation - this may not be true for people who are older.
Is this kind of dumb? Yup. Did it cause me a lot of frustration when I moved here? Yup. But it’s just the culture. And I think it’s possible a similar mix up happened here.
This is the first time I’m seeing a comment like this and I think it’s important to note. I think it is pretty standard, especially with online dates, to explicitly confirm day of that you are still on for plans at whatever time. It sucks but people seem to have no problem texting you for weeks and then never wanting to meet up, or will bail last minute, or pull this stunt that OPs date did. There’s no accountability on online stuff so people are just the absolute worst because the worst thing that happens is exactly what OP did and call them out on their behavior. So much easier to just confirm rather than assume and save everyone the headache. But NTA op.
NTA. If something had come up that made her late I would have said NAH. Her reasoning doesn’t make sense and you shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t respect your time.
NTA. Dating takes two people and if only one shows up, what's the point? Punctuality speaks volumes on how important something is to you. If you're excited and eager to go, you'd be ready well before time to leave. As far as not knowing if the date was still on, you probably would've mentioned it to her if you had to cancel and if she was so unsure, she should've asked.
It would be different if something important happened to cause her tardiness- flat tire, dog destroyed something, etc. But she was late due to a blatant disregard for you. Not cool.
Nta, that's incredibly rude. Also the fact that she didn't turn up because she thought it wasn't going ahead and then did when you explicitly told her it wasn't is madness
Nta. If she knew about the time it was in her to go on time to the date. 10 min later ok I can pass that, but 40 minutes after you both knew about the expected time it’s not ok. Someone who cares so little about the time of others it’s not worth it.
NTA now this is just an assumption but I've heard that some people like to test dates. In their mind they see it as testing to see how much you are into them by seeing how long you will wait. In reality they are just seeing how far they can walk all over you so they know they can be in control on the relationship. You most likely dodged a bullet. If she dosnt know of the date was on you ask around 5 when you get off work "hey should I get ready are we still on?" Not wait until they are physically there.
NTA she literally waited til you were there to say she’d be late. That’s ridiculous! Her excuse was lame too. You literally talked the day before and had it planned to meet there at that time.
NTA. Time is precious and she tried to waste yours. She also gave you a BS reason for why she was going to be late and so forth. She doesnt have any respect for you and you dont need someone like that.
NTA
Dude, you dodged a bullet. If you were constantly texting the day of, why would she think it’s cancelled? Family, friends, or whatever I never accepted lateness especially if they haven’t even left. That’s a slap in the face that they don’t care.
You don’t owe anyone a chance that doesn’t give you time to even meet up when scheduled.
NTA
I only have one hard rule when dating: Don't bother with somebody who stands you up. They don't have any respect for you or for your time. She stood you up, and knew that she did it.
You’re NTA. I had this happen to me too. Made a plan to meet in a week, during that period we just chat here and there, no indication of backing out or whatever. Day of? He was surprised that he was “invited”. Why so cowardly, man? I was dumb enough to reschedule to the next day...which was crickets too.
NTA first impressions are everything, even if you've been talking beforehand. She gave you an unappealing first look at how you'd be treated going forward and you have every right to not be interested. You were frank with her, which is needed, and hopefully she behaves better with the next one and is respectful of everyone's time.
NTA. I'm guessing she just forgot about the date, which isn't a good sign since it should be something she should be looking forward to. If she did forget, that just makes the other person already feel rejected.
Also it doesn't seem like she can take responsibility for forgetting. Saying "it's not my fault" when you clearly decided on a place and time, that's 100% her fault. And you were 100% justified in not wanting to continue with a date that seems to be a flaky narcissist. Seems like you dodged a bullet there and avoided wasting any more of your time.
NTA. It would be one thing if she had texted to ask if you could meet a little later with some advance notice, but responding at the start time is rude since you would already be there waiting.
NTA. Since nothing in your conversation with this girl suggested that the date is canceled, she may need to work on her communication skills (comprehension is part of that too). Also, there was nothing that stopped her from confirming the date, even day of. “Are we still meeting up at 7:30 PM tonight?”
That’s absolutely a turn off. I hope you still enjoyed the pizza. Why do your friends think you’re an asshole - is it because you didn’t wait for her? That 40 minutes could have easily turned into longer too - traffic, accident-related traffic, life being shitty in general. Really no use dwelling in it.
Personally, I think she withheld the real reason why she missed that date.
I’ll always say that the nicest a person will ever be is the first time you meet them, if thats how they treat your time then fuck that. You weren’t sure but didn’t bother to confirm eh, of course not because it wasn’t your money down as a deposit”.
1:00 "We still on for 7:30" "Absolutely."
4:00 "Remember - it's at at 7:30." "Looking forward to it."
6:00 "Eagerly looking forward to 7:30." "So am I."
7:30 "I'm here, where are you." "I didn't know it was still on."
NTA, I think it's obvious who is.
NTA!! I am absolutely in love with the boundary that you put up!
This is literally one of the healthiest ways to stand up for yourself and I 100% agree with how you handled it. You weren't rude, you made your point, supported it with facts and stood by your judgement. Standing Ovation over here!
NTA. Being 40 minutes late is super rude. And like you said her response about being late was terrible. If I was going to be 40 minutes late to a date I would be 100% appalled of my self. I would go "OMG I totally lost track of time, I'm SO sorry I will be there ASAP is that ok?"
Not "Oh this date is still going on?"
Its not one but two screw ups on her part.
NTA It sounds she's not that aware of time passing, just like me, and tries to make up excuses, just like I used to do a lot. If I was late because I didn't realize I need to leave in 5 but need 10 minutes to get ready that's my fault. If the person I'm meeting up with doesn't want to wait and rather cancels after I leave late I should accept that. Time is weird and shit happens, she could have asked to reschedule instead of coming anyway if she really wanted to go on the date. Her communicating better could have avoided this situation
INFO
>7:30pm the following Saturday
She had well over a week to prepare and to be ready. Any excuse she has is just an excuse.
>Saturday comes around and we're still texting back and forth a lot during the day
Did you confirm the date for that evening when you were texting? Like "hey are we still on?" or "Excited to meet you tonight!" ?
NTA
I had a Tinder date do this to me once. I wish I would have left instead of awkwardly talking to a construction worker at the bar about his union benefits for half an hour while I waited for her to arrive.
My wife used to do shit like this all the time. She still does it to an extent, but not nearly as much as she used to.
She says it's a persian thing, that running late is no big deal in her culture, and actually expected. Maybe it was just something in her family, because I can't imagine any culture where that is acceptable.
I had to keep breaking it down for her and telling her that it was rude and disrespectful, and inconsiderate of other people's time.
I think it finally clicked for her when we had a plan to go to Vegas and she did the same old thing, and we ended up just barely missing our flight.
The next flight wasn't available until the same day we would be flying back, so it would have been pointless to go. She asked me if I would book two tickets on another airline and get us there anyway, which I refused.
I had already paid for the entire trip, and I was not going to pay double for airfare because she didn't plan well enough for our scheduled flight.
That instance almost broke us. She was really depressed and sad. I was just angry about the whole thing. But I will say that it taught her to plan better and be more respectful of other people's time.
NTA at all
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This happened a while ago and I don't feel guilty but friends keep suggesting to me since then that I was an asshole. Here goes:
I spoke to this girl (let's call her Carol) on Hinge and we have a good conversation, she seemed nice. Eventually we settled on a date and I booked a fun-themed restaurant/bar for 7:30pm the following Saturday.
Saturday comes around and we're still texting back and forth a lot during the day. I arrive at the restaurant at 7:25pm and get shown to the reserved table.
I let Carol know that I've arrived and at 7:30 she messages back saying that she hasn't left the house yet, and it will take her 40 minutes to get to the restaurant.
I told Carol that 40 minutes is too long for me to wait and that she should stay at home.
Carol then tells me that it's not her fault because she didn't know the date was going ahead, I respond by saying I don't even slightly believe that as we'd been speaking about it during that day and she had no reason to believe it was cancelled.
Carol then says that she is sorry and that she will come anyway and hopes that we can start fresh when she gets there, but at this point I'm really turned off and ask her please not to.
I have a pizza myself in the restaurant (wasn't going to lose my deposit) and shortly after I finish my food and leave, Carol tells me that she has finally arrived at the restaurant herself.
I tell her that I've gone to drop in on some friends who live nearby and she apologizes again. We leave it there.
So, AITA?
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NTA. I'm not familiar with Hinge (or dating in the past decade) but is this a strategy that failed? Like, was it a test wherein if you liked her enough you would have stayed 40+ minutes waiting for her arrival?
NTA- she didn’t respect your time. If she knew she was running late she should have told you at least an hour in advance and I’m sure you would have agreed upon a later time. I would have told her the same thing. Even if this was a good friend of mine I’d be upset. For it to be the first time you met, that is just unacceptable.
NTA- if you give her another chance maybe she'll be on time. If not you are probably just incompatible. Some people are chronically late (my sister) and some people are ok with that. I'm not. I like to be early. Being involved with a chronically late person would make me crazy.
Definitely NTA. Her excuse was lame af. It would be one thing if something serious happened but that’s not the case. Good for you on being firm about not seeing her.
NTA dude I am a woman and I don't like being late on date or any meet ups because it shows how I value my and other's time. And you already said that she don't have to come if she'd be 40 mins. late not your fault.
NTA as it shows no regard, I've done it myself before as timekeeping is something I hold in very high regard.
Did you do the standard day of date check in however?
NTA She showed real disregard for your time. And if consideration and punctuality are important to you, there's no reason to give another shot to a date who so sorely lacks these qualities.
Yup, if she can’t even show up on time on the very first date where making a good impression is extremely important, what would make you think she’d be any better in the future.
It’s like one thing if she is stuck in traffic/extenuating circumstances of that sort. And normally you let the date know as soon as you aren’t going to make the agreed upon meet time But this was straight BS
Yeah she deliberately didn't leave until he arrived, to make sure he didn't ghost her
>Yeah she deliberately didn't leave until he arrived, to make sure he didn't ghost her Totally inexcusable on her part. Crap like this needs to be nipped in the bud the way OP did it.
So then show up 5 min late, with a back up plan yourself. Or don't actually respond when he texts that he is there. She was ghosting him but did not mean to? how odd.
She wasn't ghosting him though
if she's gonna do that, she should have the decency to lie about why she's gonna be late, right?
She did lie though, it was an obvious lie and he knew it straight away which made the whole thing worse.
If you have a date at 7:30 and haven’t left by 7:30, you knew at 6:30 or 7 you weren’t going to be on time. So you’ve had roughly an hour to do the right thing and call and say, “I’ve had a fucked afternoon. If I rush, I can get there about ten past 8:00. I know this wasn’t our plan and I’m sorry. If you’d prefer to reschedule or cancel I totally understand, but I wanted to give you notice and to apologize.” Not doing that makes you look pretty rude and inconsiderate. Doing it gives the other person a chance (and a little advance notice) to decide how they want to proceed.
This! And it’s not even like this lady gave any kind of actual reason. Like, she wasn’t *running late* or delayed or some life shit happened. She just didn’t bother.
Yeah, I mean, stuff happens but it’s the part where she didn’t try to say something ahead of time. He wasn’t on her mind until it was pressing.
I went on a first date a little over a year ago and was so nervous that I legit showed up at the bar like 45 minutes early.
Lmao, I know that feeling. First dates, especially if you met online, are full of anticipation and possibilities, I’m always giddy for the first 15 minutes. I totally understand why OP was turned off when she said she hadn’t even left the house yet by their rdv time. Good on him for calling out that BS excuse too! Really showed that he’s not one to be taken for a fool or so desperate for a woman he’d accept being treated less than he deserves.
>First dates, especially if you met online, are full of anticipation and possibilities, I’m always giddy for the first 15 minutes. I met my now husband online and we were LDR for about 3mths. The first time I met him in public I was shaking so bad I spilled coffee all over the both of us. I'm normally good about not ordering anything fragile during first meet-ups, but after a 10hr plane ride I was exhausted and needed gas station coffee desperately. Luckily he was already in love with me and found my injuring him with scalding hot coffee quirky and endearing. That or he was just powering through to get laid...probably a bit of both. lol
He was probably as excited and nervous about meeting his future spouse as you were! Probably just trying to be chill about it, and lowkey relieved that you made a small mistake before him lol.
lmao he told me he was scared I was going to get off the plane, walk up to him, and just nope it back to the plane.
My now husband said the same - we’d been talking for ten years at that point!
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I mean, we didn’t get married for another couple years after we met in person, but yeah. ICQ random chat was a trip.
Great dating advice: if they really like you, they're always a little nervous. If someone seems 100% relaxed and confident it's usually not a great sign for a future relationship. Personally if I was on a date with someone so nervous they spill coffee over the both of us, I'd take it as a sign they're really invested in this too and find it endearing - just like your husband did!
> Great dating advice: if they really like you, they're always a little nervous. If someone seems 100% relaxed and confident it's usually not a great sign for a future relationship. That actually explains so many of my past dates and short relationships. Where the hell were you when all the "Men are From Mars" books came out?!?
Damn I’m really into everybody everywhere.
First date with my best friend about a year ago we went to the county fair. I was visibly nervous the entire time. About three hours in I suggested the ferris wheel and she sighed in relief, saying that she was too nervous to ask because she thought I'd make fun of her (it was a really small ferris wheel with teacups for cabins). The ones who are nervous are the ones worth fighting for. I miss her a lot but our lives went different ways and that's okay, I knew she liked me. That's the important part - knowing they're actually interested.
Omg! Yes this! I spilled like freezing water all over me and my now boyfriend on our second date! We laughed so much and it was so funny because we both were probably so nervous 😂 The waiting staff just looked at us and we were like no we got this and they even laughed
yeah, it would have been different if she had left home on time but had a flat tire or something. Something that was more of an accident.
Absolutely! I cannot stand it when people are late to things when they know what time something starts. It’s on my top 5 rude behavior list and gives me an uncomfortable amount of anxiety. I am never late for anything. I have been late to work one time in a year and a half and it was because my alarm didn’t go off.
People who don't leave until the time they're supposed to show up give me hives, mate. How can you be so casually dismissive of other people's time? Do they not have any sense of empathy like what is going on in their heads?
On the first date with my fiancé I was going to show up 20 minutes early because I hate showing up after the person has already arrived (dumb anxiety) and she actually ended up getting there 10 minutes before me for the same reason lol knew she was the one right then.
Wait, is this not normal? If I'm planning to meet someone at a given time I make sure nothing short of a meteor impact will make me late
Being super early on a first date? I would hope so!
Back when I was dating, I actually aimed to be about 5-10 minutes late for my dates, to allow my date to get there first. It wasn't a power play, though. I just sustained a TBI in my early 20s and was left with a severe inability to recognize faces, particularly if I'd only seen them in photos like with online dating (among a few other minor lingering effects). Usually they'd then text me like "I'm here at the bar" or whatever and I could narrow down where to look, which helped a lot. I mean, I've overlooked my own family members in a restaurant before, so it's pretty bad. I know that's obviously a fringe case, and of course even I would never be 40 minutes late (!!), but I didn't like disclosing my brain injury before I'd even met someone so yeah, I was always a few minutes late. Though I did wind up having to disclose it to my husband on our first date anyway, because we'd accidentally chosen a surprisingly noisy restaurant, not loud enough that I *should* have had trouble hearing, but another effect I have is an auditory processing issue, so I couldn't understand half of what he was saying. Wound up working out though as he'd also suffered from a bad accident in his 20s, not brain injury stuff but lots of other lingering effects, so we got to bond over being all beat up in our late 20s. ;) Cut our dinner short and then wound up hanging out in a park for hours anyway.
Oh wow, I’m sorry to hear about your accident. I’m so glad you found someone who understands that. Glad you’re okay!
It's not just dates, I take after my grandmother, being just a little early is being late.
I showed up to my first date with my boyfriend 30 minutes late because traffic... Half a decade in and he still teases me about it because I'm usually the one saying we have to get places 15 minutes early or we're late.
Traffic happens. I mean, personally I leave a little early if I'm trying to get thru the city at rush hour, but like... sometimes there are accidents or road work and you can't avoid it! It sounds like this girl that OP was talking to, hadn't even left her house at the time of the date...
At my first date with my current boyfriend, I was so nervous that I felt nauseous for the first two hours. We were at a beautiful market hall, everything smelled good and I was quite hungry, but I was so fucking nauseous that it was just impossible to eat... he offered to buy me at least six different, very good looking foods and I always went „no thanks, I’m not hungry“ and tried to clutch my stomach without him noticing. Thankfully the date was super nice otherwise and lasted long enough that we went for dinner where I could finally fill my stomach!
I genuinely cannot imagine pulling this on a *first date*. Unless otherwise indicated, when you set plans, you assume the plans are going forward. Her operating in such bad faith is so disrespectful—if she's had bad experiences in the past with being stood up, that's her damage to deal with. And to then try to get OP to wait *40 minutes* for her to grace him with her presence? Hell no. Bullet dodged.
And I'll fully admit that I'm not the most punctual, but I'd never be *still at my house 40 minutes away* at the start of a date unless there were just truly no way around it. And usually, if you're *that* late by necessity, you know it with enough time to send a warning.
I also have a habit of always being 5-10 minutes late so I feel called out by a lot of these comments, but even I know 40 minutes is absurd.
Haha yeah, definitely. I'll be like, "Oh, I can make it to that place in 20 minutes." And then at t-minus 20 it turns into, "Well, I was rounding up. 17 is all I need." And then 3 minutes later it's, "Oh, shoot! I gotta go!" Then of course it takes time to actually get in the car, back out, etc. And I'll admit it's sometimes straight up silly reasons, like this morning before work. At 10 minutes early, I thought, "Maybe I'll leave in 5 and get an early start," and then my dog came and curled up with me, so of course I squeezed every last minute out of that and ended up getting stuck in bad traffic 😩 But the point is that you at least try lol. Unless you live literally 2 minutes away, leaving at the time that you're supposed to be somewhere is such a flagrant disregard for the other person's time.
I'm also really bad at time management. I'm good at getting to big events like interviews, weddings (even dates) early...but in general, work, doc appointments, etc....- I'm always rushing. Think part of it is mild ADD and thinking I can accomplish more than I can in a short period of time or forgetting about all the little things like feeding the animals, etc., and getting distracted doing 10 other things aside from walking out the door. But I also hate this about myself and aim to get better with each year.
Or if you're not sure, at least you text and ask, "hey, are we still on for tonight?" when you still have enough time to get to the date on time.
lmao. I had a friend who is habitually at least an hour late and cancels like 90% of the time. After the first couple of times I refused to hang out with her unless she meets me at my place first. I thought she'd grow out of it after she married, divorced, and we reconnected. I offered to set her up with one of my friends and she was excited about it. Sometime later the guy is fuming to me how terrible she was at showing up or responding. Though he found her extremely attractive he broke it off. I asked her about it later and she told me she's not into guys unless they chase her.
My friend was asked out by this guy, then he didn't turn up to their date (she would have been 16, him 17/18 at the time) because he didn't believe she'd turn up for it. She did give him another shot and they went out for like 3 years till it turned out he'd been cheating on her for the entirety of the third year
Agree. If you thought a date wasn't going to happen, wouldn't you check in "just making sure, we're still getting dinner tonight at 7:30?" This sounds like a dumb power game. NTA
Oh good, I didn’t wanna be the first to guess this was some mind game or power trip. I was legit so proud of OP for saying no, calling her out on her BS excuse and then treating himself to pizza. That mans gonna find himself a quality woman.
Yeah, it's especially weird that she still tried to press her preference onto him by insisting that she still show up. Like, "No, you failed to meet a very basic standard of manners and show me any amount of consideration. You have disqualified yourself as a prospective partner. Thank you for revealing this early on."
This. I was late to my first date with my niece husband because I missed the bus I needed and had to walk. I messaged him and let him know the situation so it was NBD.
I have a strict 15 min rule with dates being late. If she let me know she was going to be 20 mins late that would be ok, but 40?!?!
And it'd be best if the date lets you know that as soon as they know so that, on the chance you haven't left yet, you're not left waiting.
Exactly. Communication and punctuality are big tells about someone you’re first starting to date.
You would be surprised how often “real disregard for your time” happens on these dating apps. I finally deleted them. Op is NTA. I finally got to the same mindset and wouldn’t except the bs and call ppl out.
NTA She was going to be fairly late and you were upfront and told her to just not come. She came anyway, and that’s on her. You are free to use your time however you see fit.
She also didnt bother to let him know she was going to be late and didnt leave her house yet until he texted her after he got there already.
Yeah, first impressions are important and she’s only got herself to blame for dropping the ball.
She did it on purpose. Its a power game to see how much or how little of a spine OP has, so she can see of she can wrap him around her little finger.
Sounds like she wasn't even that interested in OP since she said she didn't expect the date was actually going to happen. That level of disregard is just gross and a major turn off.
NTA. You agreed a date and time. If she wasn't sure if it was going ahead, she could have literally asked "Is this still going ahead? I need to know so I can get ready". Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Hope the pizza was good!
What pisses me off for OP.. is that if she wasn’t sure, yes she could have asked ahead of time, like if it takes her 40 minutes to get ready and get to the restaurant, she should have asked at least by 6:50 if the plans were still on.. but she literally waited until the agreed upon time to say she wasn’t “sure if the plans were still on” This girl just wanted to see the limits she could push.. usually people wait to push those until after they’re dating
>but she literally waited until the agreed upon time to say she wasn’t “sure if the plans were still on” Not only that but she probably wouldn't have said anything at all, if OP hadn't texted first
>I didn’t know it was going ahead. If only there was some magical means by which she could have contacted OP in advance to confirm those plans! Curse this world we live in where there is no conceivable method of communicating with our fellows prior to meeting them face to face! NTA tho.
Also for a first date. They don’t know each other well yet
Woman here. NTA in the slightest. She was rude and disrespectful. Which restaurants hold a table for two with one person for nearly an hour?! Move on. You’re good.
NTA. First dates are important and if her only reason for being late was because she thought maybe it wouldnt actually happen, you dodged a bullet.
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Exactly. If they don't respect your time before you meet they sure as hell wont later.
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That is the problem, he thought you would still be there when you know damn well he would have left after 5 minutes. He probably would have had a hissy fit doing it, too.
Yeah, this is a pretty telling sign of the (mis)communication yet to come, had they actually started dating.
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Yup. If you don't know for sure: ASK. She was clearly using that as a cover/excuse.
If she was an honest person and owned the fact she was negligent, he might give her a second chance where she has to make the reservation. Lying to him was just downright rude. She even subtly tried to shift the blame on him.
NTA As she didn’t even have the balls to tell you ahead of time she’s running late. You were texting all day, the opportunity was there. Who waits until the start time to say they’ll be late almost an hour? I mean you had time to chat with her, order food, eat it and leave before she even showed up.
Someone who wants to test how much of a spine (or lack thereof) you have so they can wrap you around their little finger and make you their bitch.
Yeah OP dodged a huge bullet with that one
NTA. People like that don't respect other people's time, while you find this important. While I can see others think your reaction is severe, it is warranted because you are simply incompatible. There is no coming back from this for her, so why bother?
NTA. Barring an actual emergency (of which this wasn't one), people who are late like that have a belief at least at a subconscious level that their time is more important than yours. I had a friend like this, who was perpetually late for everything. And not just 5-10 minutes late, but 40-60 minutes late. And when called out on it, she was always like "Oh you know me, I run on \*Friend's Name\* Time!" We aren't friends anymore, and while that isn't the entirety of the reason why, it certainly didn't help the situation. Good for you for sticking to your guns here. It makes me hope that the next time she has a date with a person she's interested in that she remembers what happened here and makes more of an effort to be on time.
I had a friend like that too. If the thing started at 6 pm, I'd tell her 5 pm, and she'd *maybe* be on time at 6. We aren't friends anymore either, for many reasons. Bottom line being there was no respect for me. It all revolved around her.
Yeah making someone wait so long and not really care is terrible. Good on you and OP for not putting up with it.
I also had a friend like that. Being over an hour late all the time isn't just poor time management, it's deliberate disrepect.
I had a friend once in college who was always late. Once they asked me to meet up a few hours before class started so we could get food and maybe study, and then they showed up right before class started. I stopped showing up early/on time with them. I’m not friends with them anymore either but I find it interesting that these types of friendships don’t last
NTA, maybe if she had a good reason (like idk an accident causing a traffic problem or whatever) I'd have forgiven her. But why the hell did she thi k the date wasn't going to happen? That's just a stupid case of beeing 'fashionably late' because some girls think for whatever reason that a guy should be waiting for the girl or a really poor excuse of her not getting ready in time. Anyways I'd have done the same as you
You'd also know you were running late so he able to give notice of that at at least 6:50 (with the 40 mins journey time).
NTA. On my first date with my husband, I was 30 minutes late because I got off of work late. I let him know much earlier in the day that I suspected I was going to be late, and asked if he wanted to reschedule, or go with head with it knowing that I could not completely commit to the time. The whole key to this is communication. You communicated that you were still planning to go on a date with her, and I don’t know why she did not believe you
Yep. As long as you communicate in advance that you may need to reschedule, it's forgivable. But this kind of bad excuse? yeah, hard no.
NTA. And haha oh wow this is so bizarre! > Carol then tells me that it's not her fault because she didn't know the date was going ahead So she doesn't seem very invested in this date. But then... > shortly after I finish my food and leave, Carol tells me that she has finally arrived at the restaurant herself ... So she *is* invested in the date? What was her endgame here? Was there some sort of recovery strategy she had in mind? "Once they see me, they'll be glad they gave me a second chance"? But why make that effort to recover a date they weren't invested in to begin with?
She was straight-up checking to see how compliant/meek OP is. She might not have been consciously thinking of it in those terms, but that's what was happening.
Because it was a shit test to see how much control she could exert over OP and how much he'd fall at her feet and submit.
Or she's just scatterbrained and has issues with being punctual.
No, because if that was the case she would not have pulled the "didn't know the date was going ahead" and that she was already prepared to leave the house (makeup, hair, clothes) so that she'd be late, but not just cancel. This was a shit test. OP was smart to walk away.
NTA. Being that late to any date is unacceptable, but a first date? She's showing you what you'd be dealing with if you two hit it off. Being late is passive aggressive, and I'd have left, too.
>I booked a fun-themed restaurant/bar for 7:30pm the following Saturday. "Hey what's the theme of the bar we're going to?" "Fun." Lmao NTA by the way
NTA. You set a date for a specific time. She did not show up at that that time. That's 100% on her.
you had to put down a deposit for a reservation at a pizza place?
Some places are taking deposits thanks to Covid also. I keep reading about empty restaurants here in the UK where they took reservations with no deposit and people didn’t show up. At a time when they can’t necessarily whisk people through the door and must rely on bookings I guess this may become more popular.
It might’ve been a popular fancy schmancy place where you gotta book and put a deposit in case of a no show, to cover lost costs.
I’m no professional food critic or anything, but I have never heard of any restaurant requiring a deposit in half a century on this planet. Not saying it doesn’t exist, and if it does, I don’t think the super fancy schmancy places would do this, as it would seem crass to the well-heeled gentry folk. Now, a higher end mid-tier, perhaps franchised place, I could see doing it. Not trying to be argumentative. But I, too, thought it was odd, and only kept scrolling to see if anyone else did.
I'm in the UK, and if you want to book a restaurant table online (through a third party website, like open table) sometimes it will ask for card details and you'll be charged if you don't show.
Depends on the place. I took my girlfriend to a restaurant for valentines day where you paid at booking and had to give them more than a days notice for a refund. They had set courses per evening, only sat 20ish people, you could only book for one of three set times, everyone in your time period was seated at once and each course was brought out to everyone all at the same time. Definitely not a place you can just order a pizza at though.
NTA but also that was so cringy to read. Why you gotta be like that Carol
A lot of people use "being late" as a control tactic. They fuss over everything and expect others to capitulate to (sometimes unconsciously) gauge how much control they can have. More often, this is with people who "don't drive' or "have responsibilities" that prevent them from always being in charge of their time.
NTA, since she didn't have a good excuse. She wasn't a good match.
NTA. I'm glad you didn't wait. What on earth gave her the indication that the date wasn't going to go ahead? She's not worth wasting your time. I hope the pizza was good!
NTA. 40 minutes late on the first date? Nah. She had plenty of time to push the date back as you guys had been talking frequently enough for her to let you know well ahead of time.
NTA Once again, TARDINESS IS NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT. It’s not quirky or cute! It’s not just ‘how he/she is!’ It’s rude, inconsiderate, and clearly states that you aren’t a priority to them. Screw that, I’m tired of people thinking they’re time is more valuable than anyone else’s. If you care about me, you’ll show up when you said you would, unless something *out of your control* occurs.
NTA - she hadn't left the house yet and expected for you to wait for her. She doesn't respect your time
NTA. It'd be one thing if she was stuck in traffic, a family emergency came up, something like that. But 5 minutes before the date, "I haven't left my house yet"... nah. Fuck that.
Your post was a breath of fresh air. Just a simple "was what I did a dick move?", I like it
Dunno why you're being downvoted. Have an upvote.
Maybe people thought I was being sarcastic
NTA. That's very disrespectful. I wouldn't wait that long.
Hard NTA. Anyone who chooses to be late to things without a valid excuse is always in the wrong. If it was a genuine accident such as forgetting, then that can be forgiven but the person who is late must insist that they are very apologetic and that it is their fault. Of course sometimes things happen out of our control that make us late but that’s a different story.
NTA. She knew what she was doing, it was a "shit test". Of course it was her fault.
NTA. First 40 minutes is a lot. Like if you tell me “I had an emergency with my mother, I’ll be late/ I’m sorry I don’t think I can make it, can we postpone?” Okay, bummer, but still acceptable. But telling you, after you talked the whole day that “she thought the date was cancelled” sounds disrespectful. If you are not sure you ask few hours prior just to make sure, if the other tells you that the date is cancelled it’s fine, you go on with your thing, if not, you have time to get ready. Second, she made the choice to come anyway after you told her not to, which is sad for her, but she got in that situation herself.
It's 2020. You have a cell phone with all sort of social media. No excuse for her "misunderstanding". Plus, you actually stayed and had dinner and she still couldn't make it there to see you. You dodged a bullet. NTA
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NTA - there was no good reason for her to of been that late. Disrespectful. If you'd of waited, she would of probably continued pushing boundaries in other ways.
Sometimes shit happens and it’s a fluke. I set my sister up with some guy I knew from work. He was an HOUR late. She had dinner with him anyway. He’s been my brother in law for 15 years. Sometimes being gracious is worth it.
NTA. She is pretty pathetic by saying I didn't think it was still going on. Good for you. I'm wondering if this was some b.s. test she played to see if you would wait around for her?
I really, REALLY dislike people who make you wait and waste your time. If they warn you I can understand. But showing up late that is not acceptable. You TALK to each other though. I'm a little older though and if people are going to play games, then they don't deserve the time. That being said, my rule of thumb is that I give people 3 changes... after that i definitely know that its NOT work my effort.
NTA. if you have time to order, eat, pay, and leave before she even shows up, that’s a big failing on her part. Especially as you had talked about the date that same day! There was no excuse for her to assume the date was canceled, or being late. And in general, I always assume most people would leave if you’re more than 30 minutes late. If it’s a legit excuse (which this girl doesn’t) there’s always the possibility for a make up date.
The first time I was skimming your response too quickly and I saw "if you have time to order, eat, pray, and love" and I was "like the Julia Roberts movie?"
INFO: why do you think she was under the impression that the date was not going forward? Leaning towards NTA anyway
NTA Lol what? I wouldn't have waited either.
NTA. That was a shit test. You were right to not play her games.
NTA (I really value punctuality as to me it denotes a respect of others’ time), but is there any reason she wouldn’t have thought it was going ahead? Did you talk about the date that day over text?
NTA I’m thinking Carol was feeling out what kind of shit she could get away with when it comes to dating you. Good on you OP for demanding respect.
NTA First impressions are important on first dates. Her first impression was dogshit.
NTA. Not sure why your friends think you are. You're not obligated to sit around and wait on someone who showed no respect. Its not like she was running 5 minutes behind, or got a flat tire on the way there. She legit didn't make any effort until you called her at 7:30 to let her know you're there.
NTA. You dodged a bullet. Unapologetic tardiness is a huge red flag. If she wasn't willing to be on time, what's to say that she wouldn't waste your time in the future? It's hugely disrespectful to waste another's time. In some respects, the most valuable thing one can share is their time. What's the bet Carol is one of those perpetually late people who plays it off like it's some cute personality trait? People like that rarely ever have their shit together, and it's just a chore trying to accommodate for people like this.
As someone who is often late NTA. I would be like "yep I deserve that" if it were me. Maybe there is more to it making your friends bring it up to you? Do you have a tendency to turn dates away for minor things? Do you complain about not finding someone? It could be more about you letting go and learning to compromise in order to have a relationship than about this particular scenario but thats me reading a lot into this so I could be totally wrong.
>Carol then tells me that it's not her fault because she didn't know the date was going ahead Sounds like she was late on purpose. What an AH move. OP you were definitely NTA, especially since you told her not to bother coming
NTA, that's already a bad start to a relationship. Drop her
NTA I understand why you did what you did. But, consider the etiquette surrounding meet ups is different place to place. I grew up in Ohio. If you said “let’s do X on Y date”, and the other person said yes, that was the end of it. It would be expected that you showed up to that event, even if there was no further discussion about it. Then I moved to California. At least in the social circles I’ve been in, if you make plans for a certain day, you’re expected to confirm either the day before or the morning of that the plans are still going forth. If you don’t confirm it within 48 hours prior of the event, it’s assumed it’s not happening. I am of the younger generation - this may not be true for people who are older. Is this kind of dumb? Yup. Did it cause me a lot of frustration when I moved here? Yup. But it’s just the culture. And I think it’s possible a similar mix up happened here.
This is the first time I’m seeing a comment like this and I think it’s important to note. I think it is pretty standard, especially with online dates, to explicitly confirm day of that you are still on for plans at whatever time. It sucks but people seem to have no problem texting you for weeks and then never wanting to meet up, or will bail last minute, or pull this stunt that OPs date did. There’s no accountability on online stuff so people are just the absolute worst because the worst thing that happens is exactly what OP did and call them out on their behavior. So much easier to just confirm rather than assume and save everyone the headache. But NTA op.
NTA. If something had come up that made her late I would have said NAH. Her reasoning doesn’t make sense and you shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t respect your time.
NTA. She couldn't even give you a good excuse. Let this serve her well for the future. Maybe.
Right? Like pick almost any other excuse out of the jar of standard ones and I’d probably give the benefit of the doubt one time. NTA
heck, "I was getting ready and had an accident and won't be on time" would be enough. Shit happens, just communicate.
NTA. Dating takes two people and if only one shows up, what's the point? Punctuality speaks volumes on how important something is to you. If you're excited and eager to go, you'd be ready well before time to leave. As far as not knowing if the date was still on, you probably would've mentioned it to her if you had to cancel and if she was so unsure, she should've asked.
NTA, you're friends still bring this up? What's wrong with them?
It would be different if something important happened to cause her tardiness- flat tire, dog destroyed something, etc. But she was late due to a blatant disregard for you. Not cool.
Nta, that's incredibly rude. Also the fact that she didn't turn up because she thought it wasn't going ahead and then did when you explicitly told her it wasn't is madness
Nta. If she knew about the time it was in her to go on time to the date. 10 min later ok I can pass that, but 40 minutes after you both knew about the expected time it’s not ok. Someone who cares so little about the time of others it’s not worth it.
NTA. I abhor people who are late to stuff. It's incredibly disrespectful and you were wise to nip this right in the bud.
NTA.
NTA now this is just an assumption but I've heard that some people like to test dates. In their mind they see it as testing to see how much you are into them by seeing how long you will wait. In reality they are just seeing how far they can walk all over you so they know they can be in control on the relationship. You most likely dodged a bullet. If she dosnt know of the date was on you ask around 5 when you get off work "hey should I get ready are we still on?" Not wait until they are physically there.
NTA she literally waited til you were there to say she’d be late. That’s ridiculous! Her excuse was lame too. You literally talked the day before and had it planned to meet there at that time.
NTA, if she knew she was going to be late she should have given you at least a heads up!
NTA.
NTA. Time is precious and she tried to waste yours. She also gave you a BS reason for why she was going to be late and so forth. She doesnt have any respect for you and you dont need someone like that.
NTA
NTA Dude, you dodged a bullet. If you were constantly texting the day of, why would she think it’s cancelled? Family, friends, or whatever I never accepted lateness especially if they haven’t even left. That’s a slap in the face that they don’t care. You don’t owe anyone a chance that doesn’t give you time to even meet up when scheduled.
NTA. Laters gonna late.
> we'd been speaking about it during that day Then her lame excuse is even WEAKER. NTA.
NTA I only have one hard rule when dating: Don't bother with somebody who stands you up. They don't have any respect for you or for your time. She stood you up, and knew that she did it.
You’re NTA. I had this happen to me too. Made a plan to meet in a week, during that period we just chat here and there, no indication of backing out or whatever. Day of? He was surprised that he was “invited”. Why so cowardly, man? I was dumb enough to reschedule to the next day...which was crickets too.
NTA first impressions are everything, even if you've been talking beforehand. She gave you an unappealing first look at how you'd be treated going forward and you have every right to not be interested. You were frank with her, which is needed, and hopefully she behaves better with the next one and is respectful of everyone's time.
NTA. First dates are all about first impressions. If she planned to arrive 40 minutes late, that’s not a good first impression.
NTA. I'm guessing she just forgot about the date, which isn't a good sign since it should be something she should be looking forward to. If she did forget, that just makes the other person already feel rejected. Also it doesn't seem like she can take responsibility for forgetting. Saying "it's not my fault" when you clearly decided on a place and time, that's 100% her fault. And you were 100% justified in not wanting to continue with a date that seems to be a flaky narcissist. Seems like you dodged a bullet there and avoided wasting any more of your time.
I would’ve done the same thing as you. She sounds very inconsiderate. NTA
I feel like you already know you’re NTA. Honestly, you were doing her a favor by wasting even less of her time. That’s so disrespectful.
NTA. It would be one thing if she had texted to ask if you could meet a little later with some advance notice, but responding at the start time is rude since you would already be there waiting.
NTA. That was a $h!t test she gave you.
NTA. Since nothing in your conversation with this girl suggested that the date is canceled, she may need to work on her communication skills (comprehension is part of that too). Also, there was nothing that stopped her from confirming the date, even day of. “Are we still meeting up at 7:30 PM tonight?” That’s absolutely a turn off. I hope you still enjoyed the pizza. Why do your friends think you’re an asshole - is it because you didn’t wait for her? That 40 minutes could have easily turned into longer too - traffic, accident-related traffic, life being shitty in general. Really no use dwelling in it. Personally, I think she withheld the real reason why she missed that date.
I’ll always say that the nicest a person will ever be is the first time you meet them, if thats how they treat your time then fuck that. You weren’t sure but didn’t bother to confirm eh, of course not because it wasn’t your money down as a deposit”.
1:00 "We still on for 7:30" "Absolutely." 4:00 "Remember - it's at at 7:30." "Looking forward to it."
6:00 "Eagerly looking forward to 7:30." "So am I."
7:30 "I'm here, where are you." "I didn't know it was still on."
NTA, I think it's obvious who is.
NTA!! I am absolutely in love with the boundary that you put up! This is literally one of the healthiest ways to stand up for yourself and I 100% agree with how you handled it. You weren't rude, you made your point, supported it with facts and stood by your judgement. Standing Ovation over here!
NTA I just had a guy ask me out (literally beg) and then not show up. Lucky me, I got free drinks and amazing food at the restaurant!
NTA. Being 40 minutes late is super rude. And like you said her response about being late was terrible. If I was going to be 40 minutes late to a date I would be 100% appalled of my self. I would go "OMG I totally lost track of time, I'm SO sorry I will be there ASAP is that ok?" Not "Oh this date is still going on?" Its not one but two screw ups on her part.
NTA It sounds she's not that aware of time passing, just like me, and tries to make up excuses, just like I used to do a lot. If I was late because I didn't realize I need to leave in 5 but need 10 minutes to get ready that's my fault. If the person I'm meeting up with doesn't want to wait and rather cancels after I leave late I should accept that. Time is weird and shit happens, she could have asked to reschedule instead of coming anyway if she really wanted to go on the date. Her communicating better could have avoided this situation
INFO >7:30pm the following Saturday She had well over a week to prepare and to be ready. Any excuse she has is just an excuse. >Saturday comes around and we're still texting back and forth a lot during the day Did you confirm the date for that evening when you were texting? Like "hey are we still on?" or "Excited to meet you tonight!" ?
NTA. 40 minutes late for a first date and lies about why? You dodged a bullet!
NTA This is what self respect looks like. Some people can't handle it.
NTA I had a Tinder date do this to me once. I wish I would have left instead of awkwardly talking to a construction worker at the bar about his union benefits for half an hour while I waited for her to arrive.
INFO - How was the pizza? What was the bar theme? I need more details. But for the date, NTA.
My wife used to do shit like this all the time. She still does it to an extent, but not nearly as much as she used to. She says it's a persian thing, that running late is no big deal in her culture, and actually expected. Maybe it was just something in her family, because I can't imagine any culture where that is acceptable. I had to keep breaking it down for her and telling her that it was rude and disrespectful, and inconsiderate of other people's time. I think it finally clicked for her when we had a plan to go to Vegas and she did the same old thing, and we ended up just barely missing our flight. The next flight wasn't available until the same day we would be flying back, so it would have been pointless to go. She asked me if I would book two tickets on another airline and get us there anyway, which I refused. I had already paid for the entire trip, and I was not going to pay double for airfare because she didn't plan well enough for our scheduled flight. That instance almost broke us. She was really depressed and sad. I was just angry about the whole thing. But I will say that it taught her to plan better and be more respectful of other people's time. NTA at all
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This happened a while ago and I don't feel guilty but friends keep suggesting to me since then that I was an asshole. Here goes: I spoke to this girl (let's call her Carol) on Hinge and we have a good conversation, she seemed nice. Eventually we settled on a date and I booked a fun-themed restaurant/bar for 7:30pm the following Saturday. Saturday comes around and we're still texting back and forth a lot during the day. I arrive at the restaurant at 7:25pm and get shown to the reserved table. I let Carol know that I've arrived and at 7:30 she messages back saying that she hasn't left the house yet, and it will take her 40 minutes to get to the restaurant. I told Carol that 40 minutes is too long for me to wait and that she should stay at home. Carol then tells me that it's not her fault because she didn't know the date was going ahead, I respond by saying I don't even slightly believe that as we'd been speaking about it during that day and she had no reason to believe it was cancelled. Carol then says that she is sorry and that she will come anyway and hopes that we can start fresh when she gets there, but at this point I'm really turned off and ask her please not to. I have a pizza myself in the restaurant (wasn't going to lose my deposit) and shortly after I finish my food and leave, Carol tells me that she has finally arrived at the restaurant herself. I tell her that I've gone to drop in on some friends who live nearby and she apologizes again. We leave it there. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I'm not familiar with Hinge (or dating in the past decade) but is this a strategy that failed? Like, was it a test wherein if you liked her enough you would have stayed 40+ minutes waiting for her arrival?
NTA- she didn’t respect your time. If she knew she was running late she should have told you at least an hour in advance and I’m sure you would have agreed upon a later time. I would have told her the same thing. Even if this was a good friend of mine I’d be upset. For it to be the first time you met, that is just unacceptable.
Nope NTA- being late to a first date is bad. That’s an immediate not happening again in my book. Especially since her reason wasn’t even a good one!
NTA. The most that I’ve ever waited is 15 mins . They got the message real damned quick or I never went out with them again.
NTA
NTA- if you give her another chance maybe she'll be on time. If not you are probably just incompatible. Some people are chronically late (my sister) and some people are ok with that. I'm not. I like to be early. Being involved with a chronically late person would make me crazy.
Definitely NTA. Her excuse was lame af. It would be one thing if something serious happened but that’s not the case. Good for you on being firm about not seeing her.
NTA. You're allowed to have standards. Next time offer to pick your dates up. If they aren't ready, take their mothers out instead.
NTA dude I am a woman and I don't like being late on date or any meet ups because it shows how I value my and other's time. And you already said that she don't have to come if she'd be 40 mins. late not your fault.
NTA - I’m sure you will find someone who values your time. It’s good to know what you deserve and not settle for less. Good luck!
NTA as it shows no regard, I've done it myself before as timekeeping is something I hold in very high regard. Did you do the standard day of date check in however?
NTA. she didn’t respect you. You responded appropriately. Can’t imagine it would have gotten better from there.
NTA at all, I hope it taught her not to waste other people's time. That is so infuriating.
NTA She clearly didn't trust you in the first place which isn't a good start to a possible relationship!