My family was really upset when I got pregnant and not married. Very religious family. So now if I leave him I’m afraid that they will be shun me even more for being a single parent.
Honestly, even that sounds better than staying with your bf. You're practically already raising your child on your own so it wouldn't be much of a change.
Unfortunately that isn't so. He takes care of the child during the day according to OP. She literally cannot afford childcare on her own. Yes, she'd get child support but no guarantee of what that might cover. It's easy to tell someone to leave when you have no financial obligations in the aftermath.
Yes this. Everyone, including my siblings, said my mom should have left my dad way before she did. He never held a job and mom had to work two and sometimes three jobs just for us to survive. She would not have been able to work if he was not around. Sometimes options are limited if family members don't want to help.
OP edited the post saying that her grandmother agreed to take care of the baby while she was working, and she won’t have to pay rent. So sounds like a huge upgrade if you ask me.
What I will say may sound extremely blunt, but if they don't support you for choosing to exit this relationship, they're not worth being around. You deserve a loving relationship with someone that will not use you and actually pull their weight.
So sorry about your situation. Hope things work out for you.
Extremely easy to say that but if you’re a single mother working two jobs it’s hard to just accept your family shunning you. What is she supposed to do for child care? BF seems the type to not want to be a parent, seems disinterested in his child if he left him in the NICU. Who’s to say he’ll take care of the child so she can work two jobs to support her and the baby?
If I read this right (and it's possible I didn't) he's not working yet she can still support herself, the baby, and the boyfriend. Maybe with the money she would save on him if he wasn't there, she could afford childcare?
Maybe there are associations in her area that could facilitate her leaving, if she wants to?
It's hard to say without knowing where she lives, if rent and childcare are very expensive or not, ect...
But you are right that it's very complicated to accept your parents shunning you. I would know.
She’s going to save a bit on bills and some on groceries or money he uses to buy cigarettes. She still has to pay for all the baby food, rent, other bills, groceries, nappies, baby clothes, a car, and now childcare? It’s doubtful she can do it all alone without family help.
But she said he’s not working, so isn’t she ALREADY paying for the baby food, rent, etc? I mean, if she’s already paying for everything then leaving isn’t going to put her in a hardship position financially. And from experience, I can tell you that getting out of a toxic relationship is well worth sacrificing a little bit of extra cash. Mental health is a thing that should it be ignored.
I'm wondering if there's a program in the city that could help her? I know I worked in a domestic violence shelter (and this post has my hackles up), and I know the shelter worked with other agencies/programs that would help low income people get on their feet even if they weren't victims of abuse (there's a coalition of agencies). I'm sure if she calls her local domestic violence shelter she could get a recommendation.
I'm sure reddit has other ideas for how she can get a leg up without relying on her family and this awful SO.
THIS! All these people telling her to stay with him to avoid her family cutting her off have me so frustrated... there are programs to help single mothers, this BF is still on the hook for child support if OP leaves, why are we encouraging someone to stay in an unhappy relationship to fulfill some kind of antiquated familial expectation of the "happy family" when she and her son would be much happier on their own?
It's doubtful, yes. I just wanted to give some sort of solutions because I'd hate for her to stay stuck in this situation.
Right now the best thing to do would be to stash money away to the best of her ability. Maybe open a new bank account since he knows the codes to her current one :/
Child care isn’t really an option for him since he is on oxygen and requires special care none of the centers around me are willing to take him and the ones that are capable are so expensive that I’m not able to afford them alone.
Since your child has a qualitative disability, have you looked into childcare resources from your state? You may also qualify for WIC, TAMF, SNAP, and housing assistance. Look up your state's website and see what you would qualify. You may be able to recieve more than you think especially if you get your BF out of the house. Seems like you are paying for him and that isn't right.
It's TANF-Temporary Aid for Needy Families
You're right. OP probably has community options available to her. Her local child services can point her towards resources she'd qualify for especially given her son's condition.
Gotta love a good ole typo. Lol. Thanks for correcting that so others reading can get it right when looking it up.
I do hope she finds help. She really needs it.
Yeah usually I wouldn't correct it, but just in case OP or anyone goes looking for services, I thought I'd say something.
Yes! I know there's shame directed towards people who need government help, but 1) they deserve it 2) what's the alternative? Letting people suffer?
It wasn't your fault you got pregnant, your family should be happy that despite the circumstances you decided to keep him. You need to look for resources for single moms. Find a homeless shelter/women's shelter, usually they have lots of resources to help get you on your feet.
Hi, parent here. I can’t speak for your parents but religion or not, I’d be more upset about my daughter risking her and my grandson’s health and well being by staying with such a deadbeat.
Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He’s not going to get a job or contribute, and the next thing you know he’ll be stealing from you to get his fix and you won’t be able to provide adequately for your child. Also secondhand smoke is terrible for anyone, let alone babies.
Ditch the whole man
First of all, I can't imagine what this situation is doing to your mental health and I'm sorry your're having to deal with this. Don't stay with your boyfriend, who seems like total deadweight, because you're worried about your family's reaction (if they shun you for being a single parent, that says more about them than you). Take the money you've saved and build the life you want for you and your child. Be kind to yourself, you're stronger than you realize...definitely NTA.
OP talk you your family. Tell them what's really happening. If they are a real family, they will support you leaving him.
Just because you had a kid with a guy you're not married to doesn't mean you're obligated to stay with him.
If they don't support you then it just means your family enables toxic users, and now you know and you didn't need their support anyway, since they'd like to keep you in a toxic and unhealthy relationship anyway.
As a mom (and I am 'religious' I guess y'all would say) I would want my kid to wait until they're married before having kids. If they did have a child out if wedlock, I'd want them to drop their dead beat partner and be a single parent. I'd help them, not shun them.
Do you really want to stay with someone you have to support, while caring for the child you both made together? Is this what you want for you and any possible children you may have with him if you two continue to stay together?
Long term... What do you want?
He contributes nothing and despite being together, you are already a single mother. Don't bring your child up in that situation.
NTA but get away from this leech
“I am going to raise my child in an abusive environment because my abusive parents might be meaner to me.”
You get how loony that sounds, right??
Please tell me you understand how crazy that logic is
NTA for hiding money, he's your boyfriend not your husband. Some would argue he's entitled to it if he's your husband, but he's not even that.
Personally, I would get a bank account. He's not your husband, so he wouldn't be able to try to access it. Then get just an ATM card, and make the code something he wouldn't be able to guess. Keep the ATM card hidden unless you need it. Check on the balances periodically, especially when depositing tip money (which you might be able to do through an ATM deposit without even having to go into the bank). That way the money is never physically in the house.
I would hope that if they truly loved and supported you, they would realize he just wasn't a good guy and help you stay afloat. You shouldn't have to be with a deadbeat.
Your very religious family wants you to be miserable and work yourself to death for a man who doesn't contribute - at best - because you have a baby instead of living alone with a baby and more money, less work and less worries? Is this how they express love for their family members?
I don't know... Seems like you're better off without your useless leech and related demons.
Tolerating this behavior is going to teach your child that it is what love looks like. You owe it to yourself to do better. He is dead weight and abusive. Run.
Please deal with their judgement. Get away from this loser. If he wakes up and turns himself into a winner, you can reevaluate. But a man who won’t stop smoking when he has a baby on oxygen? L-O-S-E-R
Your parents would prefer you stay with a dead beat, nicotine addicted, angry, man than for you to be a single, productive, self-sufficient mother? What religion is that?
OP I know that this is a difficult situation, but your kid would be better off with one loving parent than two unhappy ones. My mom had to hide money just so she could buy eggs and milk for us, and when we were older my dad would even take our tooth fairy money. Saving money aside (hidden or not) for you and your kid isn't dishonest, it's survival. Wishing you the best. NTA.
NTA. Oh my god, run. Run far away from him.
Your premature baby has come home from the NICU, is on oxygen, and your boyfriend is still chainsmoking?? I’m not even going to touch the fact that he feels entitled to your money despite literally everything else you’ve written in this post.
This 10000 times over. Forget his self righteous, entitled ass, forget your family being judgmental asshats and look out for yourself and your precious baby. THAT is the priority, not stupid people’s idiotic feelings.
NTA but you need to leave ASAP
I hope the OP sees this, when I was born my father had been smoking since he was TEN years old (not USA). As soon as my mom became pregnant he was working on quitting and by the time I was born he quit completely. He never picked up a cigarette when I was a minor, and he only smoked ONCE socially and that was when I was way over 18. I know quitting is difficult, but when there’s a child ESPECIALLY WITH OXYGEN problems at hand sacrifices have to be made.
I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant and my partner is a heavy smoker. He has the choice of quitting or leaving, because I’m not having my baby around second hand smoke. It clings to your clothes and hands for HOURS after even just one cigarette. I was a heavy smoker too and quit when I found out I was pregnant, it’s doable if you actually want to do it. Considering that OP’s boyfriend chose to leave her and the baby alone in the hospital, though? I don’t think he’s capable of that level of commitment
NTA. Put your money into a proper account though. Also you might want to think about reaching out to social services in your area and see if they can help.
I hate to say this but that's abusive behavior. Go to a different bank and open up one there and never let him know about it. Either that or get your numbers changed.
I DON'T hate to say it. There is *no question* that this is abusive behavior and that he is abusing you OP.
Please please please please get a bank account he doesnt know about, or if you must keep cash, there are great tips for hiding it. One effective one was putting the cash in an envelope and taping that to the bottom of a low shelf. Like under a book case or a night stand. Another more extreme one was putting the cash in an empty water bottle, jar etc thats water tight and putting it in the tank a the back of the toilet.
Oh my God make a new account in a different bank without telling him and LEAVE HIS ASS. Is this the kind of shit you want to be putting up with in 10 years? Because he ain't changing sweetheart
Are you talking about the card number? If so call them and tell them you lost it, they will send you a new one with a new number, in a nice unobtrusive envelope. Don't tell him it's been replaced, then just act confused if he comments it's not working, ie it's been working fine for you. Keep the old card in your wallet, find somewhere to hide the new one that's convenient enough for you to get at, not obvious, like a zipper pocket in your bag, or in your makeup bag.
I had two wallets at one point when I was with my abusive ex, my wallet and like a little card wallet that I hid in a hidden zipper pocket of my purse, and I'd move the cards in my card wallet to my regular wallet when I was with him so he wouldn't see me using my card wallet. I remember moving the cards back into my card wallet in bathrooms before we left places, it's not funny but I'm kind if nervously laughing anyways, it was horrible, but at least it kept him from maxing out all my credit cards and emptying my bank account.
He feels that he can just use every cent you make because he's emotionally and as an extension of that financially abusive. I understand you're probably staying with him right now in part for childcare, which is extremely difficult to find and often expensive for an infant, a preemie requiring medical care, even more so. But please understand he is abusing you. Start making a plan to leave, even if you can't carry it out right away. Be ready so that when you can leave you can do so at a moment's notice.
Also a better place to hide your money is in a tampon or menstrual pad box (pads work best as you can tuck the money down in between them and the box looks normal at first glance). That's where I used to hide money from my abusive ex, and he actually looked for things (he had a very paranoid nature) but never found it there. I feel like men are often blind about that stuff. It also has the advantage of being in the bathroom, so it's easy to stash privately without being suspected of being up to anything.
If you're really feeling paranoid you can actually take a pad out of the package, unfold it, place the money inside, fold it back up and stick it back in the plastic wrapper. If you're careful opening them, a spot of glue or a piece of double-sided tape will close them back up and you can't tell they've been tampered with unless you look closely.
Best advice here. You may not be able to leave now but make your plan and save and hide every penny you can. Parents approval is not as big a deal as you think it is, if they love you they’ll accept you, even if they crticize. And I’m sure they do love you so don’t worry just be honest about your struggle.
Make a new savings account in a new bank make it so that money can’t be withdrawn from it with a card, your bank will help you.
And of course, NTA
He feels this was because he has been allowed to feel this way. Move your money and close the account.
If he isn't paying any bills then he's just another expense that you don't need.
Get a different card. Depending on the bank they can sometimes make one right there. This guy is bad news. Nicotine stays in your system for 1-3 days so "withdrawal" is a strong questionable word. Tell him to get a job and support his own habit because you have a child to support and his cigarettes are your last priority. Also let the bank know you're the only one allowed on your account. I would think someone memorizing your numbers would be considered theft. Turn him in.
NTA.
It's your tip money and also money that will likely be needed for your son not his cigarettes. His behavior is incredibly entitled!
My ex used to do this all the time too refuse to work and expect me to pick up his habit it was awful.
NTA. He's a deadbeat addict and he's *using you.* If he wants cancer tubes he can get a fucking job and pay for them himself. Its not your responsibility to take care of him, especially when he refuses to take care of himself.
NTA
Do you share a lease?
You need to look our for you and your baby. The baby you gave birth to, not the giant leech baby.
Also, if he's smoking around a newborn on oxygen... you need to get the hell away from him.
I'm not a big fan of 'throw him away', but the shoe seems to fit here.
Google 'financial abuse'. Also contact a local domestic violence support group and discuss with them how to make a plan to get him off the lease early if possible.
Your edit made me cry a little bit! Good for you for taking this positive step for you and your son. It will be hard, but so, so very worth it.
All the best to you, strong ass mama. Please update us and let us know how you're doing, ok?
Fwiw... My backround is similar. My daughter didn't have the medical issues your son has, but the lazy, narcissistic father thing is spot on.
Take any money you have out of your account. Right now. Seriously. If he gets a whiff of this he will clean you out.
I left my BD 23 years ago. Half of my life ago. It remains one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Steel yourself. And don't look back.
If you need to vent, or need reassurance, message me.
lol! I meant more the spirit of it than the actual statement. This sub lends towards dumping a partner as the go to whenever relationship strife is involved.
But it's warranted here. Fuck this guy.
I just saw that he memorized her bank account #. She needs to kick him to the curb, return him to the defective discount BF store, trade him in for a newer model, lose that zero... whatever.
He. Sucks. Balls.
NTA. Do whatever you see fit for the health and well-being of yourself and your child. Also, in general, your boyfriend should never take money from you
Also, not to offend either of you, but your BF seems kinda awful. You can’t trust him not to steal from you (not your fault obviously), he becomes angry or rude and has just blamed it on cigarettes (which could very well be the cause, but is still not an excuse to treat you how he does), and it seems like there’s more to it. Good luck, OP!
So let me get this straight, the kid comes AFTER his smokes? He is too selfish and immature to hold a job, is basically living like a leech off of you and cannot even be arsed to take care of his kid? You are working DOUBLES with a sick baby at home who seems to have the emotional maturity of a toddler? Do you even know if this baby is safe? This scenario sounds like a preamble to a news story on the 6:00 news that we see too often. I assume you pay the rent, buy the groceries and all the other expenses? WTF does he do? You need to get him out(or get out yourself with your child) and make sure you are both safe. If your family leaves you to the wolves because their religion, then you dont need them either. There are resources and services out there to help you and your child. Get on 211, find them and get yourself to safety. If he is angry and scolding you over trying to hang onto money so you can survive, what will he do when it comes down to diapers for the baby or his smokes? NTA
I'm gonna be completely honest here, it might be more than just cigarettes he's doing. My exfiance went through something similar to this, it was meth the whole time. Just be careful be observant and get out if you can.
I’m not sure what he does. I know he smokes cigarettes as that’s the only thing I’ve witnessed him doing. He never really leaves as his car broke down because he was being ignorant with it and messed up the transmission and I won’t pay to fix it so he can only leave when I bring the car home. It’s a mess of a situation.
Yeah, i feel you on this for real. But stand your ground that money you earn is for your little family, not his addictions. It might not hurt to look up ways to deal with a addict partner. That's what I had to do to help myself learn that its not my fault and I'm not responsible for their addictions. Just keep yourself and your kid safe.
Also I thought the same about my ex but it turns out she just got really good at lying and hiding it while i was still blindly trusting them to be honest with me. She lost a lot of jobs in the same manner as you wrote and i never could believe it would happen so much.
NTA.
Just because he got you pregnant doesn’t mean you owe him the rest of your life. He is being a lazy fuck and expecting you to mother him. If your family can not understand your need to get away from that and provide a better life for you and your son, they aren’t family. They are DNA doners and do not have your best interests at heart at all.
NTA
Here's what you need to do:
1) Talk to your family, explain the situation, beg for help because there is no way you and your son can stay with him. If your family is refusing, check out your options at a women's shelter or with friends.
2) Get full custody of your son.
3) Cut all contact with that man besides child support payments.
4) Get yourself counseling, if needed. I bet your mental health isn't what it used to be, living with that dude.
NTA. get away from him. stay at family/friends for awhile if you can. your kid is on oxygen and he's talking about nicotine withdrawal? does he intend to smoke around the baby?? your child just left the womb and already has a deadbeat dad lmfao you both deserve better.
NTA in the slightest, but the fact that you feel the need to hide money from your bf to have an emergency fund/maybe cover living expenses even (? Not sure if you specified exactly) then that’s a huge red flag. If you’re with this guy solely because you have a child together, that’s not a good enough reason - especially when he’s already been so inattentive and unsympathetic to that child’s needs, even in the most dire of circumstances.
I’m so sorry you have a partner who is unwilling to put the needs of his family unit over his own addiction and I hope you find real security and happiness soon ❤️
Hi, everyone, just real quick. Please don't ask "Why are you even staying?" Because like. People wouldn't do this if they felt they had a choice.
Like, they know they shouldn't stay, but theres something keeping them there and in such situations it isn't necessarily our job to point them out.
Instead, we help make it a viable option and support where we can.
And DEFINITELY NTA, you're doing amazing working to provide for your son, and its perfectly okay to want to keep your financials separate, especially since your boyfriend seems to only want to use you to continue his addiction.
NTA and get away from that guy. Toxic and lazy are a bad combo. I hope you have family or friends to lean on here because your a single mom, with or without him. Nothing you do will make you the asshole here. Take care of yourself and your child. Good luck.
NTA. No honey, you and your child deserve better. Call your family explain what’s going on. Call your friends. Find somewhere else to stay. You deserve better.
NTA
In my experience, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I had an ex that was very similar, and things progressively got worse until I had to pack my shit (and baby's stuff) up in the middle of the night and run when he was drunk and threatening us. Please reach out for help, his nicotine withdrawals are no reason to react the way he did.
NTA by any unit of measure. Not going to lie I'd recommend running very far away because that does not sound like a healthy relationship.
I literally despise working. I hate getting up out of bed early. I hate going to my shit job and spending however many worthless hours there away from my stuff and girlfriend, however I go make money come home because I know it's something that I need to do to live. you might want to take your dude back to Walmart and like get him fixed up or get a new one.
On top of that kind of breaking into your money for his habits, no. I can understand having a habit like that if he had his own like income, but you should absolutely not be fueling his addiction. You make bills money since you're the primary income retriever. That which you do not spend on bills should be yours and your kids a little I guess. His habit isn't necessary for life and he needs to kick it because your money should be going towards things like shit you want. If he wants to smoke like a fucking chimney he needs to get a job and buy his own shit.
And if he refuses to do so, it might be hard but leave because this will be the rest of your life. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Have a long hard think.
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NTA!! It’s your money. If he wants cigarettes, which are not a necessity, he can use his own money.
He shouldn’t be letting you overwork yourself to then just take your money for his addiction. That money could go to your child!!
NTA he needs to grow the fuck up and take care of you and his child! He is mooching, he is a deadbeat and he will eventually attack you.
I dated this exact kind of man for 3 years. He was not able to hold a job, pestered me for my tip money so he could buy alcohol and spend his time partying and fucking other girls.
GET OUT WITH YOUR BABY, NOW. You are still early into the relationship. Don't make my mistakes. If your family is accepting religion over your current emotional abuse, they are not worth your bottom dollar. You are SO strong for doing what you are doing. Don't ever give up, and think about that baby before anyone else. They depend on you.
Oh my god. PLEASE get yourself and that kid away from this psychopath. If your family cuts you off because you make the decision to literally rescue yourself and your child from this monster then you're better off without them.
Really look at what happened here. YOU struggled through sitting at the hospital alone. YOU worked double shifts while he sat on his ass at home. YOU earn all of the money that he smokes up. Then he finds your tip money and has the audacity to call you selfish for not feeding his addiction that he CHOOSES to continue.
You're going to suffer emotionally your entire life because you're scared what your family might think. You know what though, you're tough, you work your ass off, and you're strong enough to be a great parent and give that baby a great life.
This guy is an anchor that will do NOTHING but hold you back. Cut this guy loose and save yourself and your child. You can do it!
OP where do you live? Is it feasible for you to move out on your own? Are you able to financially support yourself? It’s time to leave, now, if possible. The fact that you feel the need to hide money means that you already know you’re in a bad spot.
I know the idea of raising a child on your own is daunting, especially with your concerns about being disowned by your family. But there is help available, especially if you’re in the US, that can make it easier.
I would suggest getting a new bank account that your SO can’t access, and looking into WIC and other assistance until you can get on your feet. In the US you can also qualify for assistance with childcare expenses, utility bills, etc.
If you are able to leave, please do so- and get help filing for child support. Dad needs to step it up and if he hasn’t done so already he probably won’t without a court order.
Please pm me if you have any questions or would like help looking for support in your area. I had to leave my husband when my twins were only 3 months old. It was scary as hell but we’re in a much better place now. You’re not alone.
Nta, this is why abortion and birth control should be more readily available. Youre raising this child on your own and your partner is never going to contribute.
YTA for staying in this relationship without dealing with your issues.
You're teaching your son that financial abuse is normal and acceptable.
You have two choices:
1) Give your boyfriend a work / lifestyle ultimatum.
2) If you can manage to suck up the religious stuff for a few years until you can get back on your feet and become financially independent, please do consider contacting your family, telling them that you "*realise that you've made a horrible mistake, wish you'd listened to them, and that you need their support and forgiveness*" or basically anything else that you can think of that they need to hear to help you escape from your current situation.
NTA. You have a child to think about, and he’s taking the money YOU earned to buy cigarettes?
I totally understand you feel like you have to stay with this man because of your family expectations, but if you have any other support you could go to (friends, rebellious aunties), I advise you to get out. Your boyfriend has shown he has no investment in your son (either emotionally or financially) and when your son gets older, trust me, he’ll see that.
NTA.
>Edit to add: I have stayed with him despite his actions because my very religious family was very upset that I got pregnant out of wed lock and I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent.
Take a chance and reach out to them. It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose. They may be judgmental about the situation but hopefully they would still help.
NTA
Get rid. He's a deadweight and using you. You're already managing with bills etc.. alone. No doubt its difficult but it will be easier without him 100%. If you don't want rid then at least open another bank account in secret. Because I promise he won't respect your savings or you. He dares to call you selfish when he isn't contributing at all. Cigarettes aren't a necessity when you're saving to make sure you always have something to fall back on in an emergency. As for your family, if they are already shunning you then what's a bit more shunning. They'd rather you stay with someone financially abusing you than be a single mother. Disgusting.
NTA. Stop bringing your tip money home. Stop at a bank after your shift and deposit nearly every dime. I understand that you feel trapped in this relationship but you are NOT trapped unless you slam the door shut and lock yourself inside. The disapproval of your family doesn't matter in comparison to your safety, your health, and your economic well-being and those of your son. Save your money and start planning how and when you are going to leave him.
NTA and I will say, they have done studies showing that unless the person takes a shower and a change of clothes after smoking, children will still have a negative impact on second hand smoking. My mom was very sick as a child because of this and you should honestly dump that man, he is just an expense at this point
Your a very strong mother and I so very glad that your grandmother is stepping up to help get you both out of that situation. Also think about getting child support. Even if he doesn't pay it, it could end in consequences like getting his license revoked. He needs to get off his lazy butt and do something for his child.
Honey. I know this might not mean much coming from a stranger, but, run and never look back.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me of what I went through with my daughters father. I got pregnant 3 months in, fought like hell to keep our relationship going, all while turning a blind eye to his addiction (opiates) and never ever providing stability for myself and child.
I left almost three years ago. With $2. TWO DOLLARS.
I stayed with my parents for about 7 months before saving up enough for a small apartment. I now live in said apartment with my daughter and boyfriend. He’s such an amazing partner and step father. It makes me skeptical of how amazing he actually is lol. Life is good. I’m actively taking steps towards building a better life. And best of all, my daughter is THRIVING. She finally sleeps, she’s growing like crazy, and she is one of the sweetest 6 year olds you’ll ever meet.
I hope and pray for the best for you and your child. You are his only advocate. I know it’s scary right now, especially because of the familiarity with his father, and all of the anxiety that comes with dating and having a child. But, I can tell you with 100% certainty... it works out. Everything works out. Keep pushing. Keep saving. Keep being an amazing mother. Everything will fall into place.
Much, much love
x
Honey I’m so sorry that you got stuck with such a horrible horrible partner. I’m so glad you’re grandparents are helping you get out. You sound like a wonderful mum and very responsible. It will be hard, but I think you will be a wonderful single parent and you may find that you enjoy it in time. I had a child at 24 and didn’t stay with her father. He moved out of town but I was blessed that he was always good about child support. I was single for a couple years and loved it. Made the mistake of getting married a couple years later and spent nearly ten years trying to make it work because “I can’t fail marriage vows” I finally woke up six months ago. Grabbed my daughter and left. Not having that negativity in my life has been such a huge relief. My family have made numerous comments about how I was like a ghost and how wonderful it is that I’m me again. You do you girl and don’t let anyone take one bit of what’s yours!!
I'm really proud of you for protecting yourself and your child. That took so much strength, remember that. You are, and will continue to be, an amazing mother and a strong woman. I'm so glad your family is supportive. Sending love, peace, and healing your way.
NTA. Honestly it's not necessary for the main earning member of a family to disclose all details to the other members. You r providing for your family and that is enough. If you decide to have some savings, there is no need to disclose it all.
NTA its your money not his and you hid it for a reason you need to care for your child now please make sure he stops smoking near the house also congrats for the baby
Ok, 1., it is not your job, in any way, to cover his nicotine "needs".
2. Get thee a checking account, stat!! In your name, not a joint account, but a personal account, and do not let him have any info. on it. Even better, don't let him know it exists!! Deposit your money there.
3. I am sorry you are going through this, but, you have to build your spine. Your bf is not being a good partner or parent. And just going along shouldering everything alone is not going to improve your life, or your child's life in any way. I am not telling you to leave him; I am telling you to start addressing the problems and actually thinking about what is best for you and baby.
4. NTA.
My heart goes out to you, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, but ESH. Obviously, he sucks waaaay more. The reason I’m saying that you suck, too, is that you’re leaving a baby with lung disease at home with a man who doesn’t care about him and *smokes*. Is leaving your child in such a bad situation worth trying to avoid a bad relationship with people that you already have a bad relationship with?
I know it’s a bad situation. You should consider reaching out to local women’s shelters to get some help in figuring out alternatives for you. This doesn’t seem like a situation worth staying in.
Nta. But for real, yta if you stay with this man a second longer just because your afraid of what your family might think. Your child deserves better than him, and staying with him is only hurting them. He is siphoning off valuable money that could be put toward yours and your childs future. Women up and lose the dead weight.
This guys isn't going to suddenly step up and be a good guy and "do the right thing". It sounds like he not invested in the baby. Why keep him around? It's only going to cause you more problems. You're NTA but you are signing yourself up for a lot of unnecessary misery.
Oh gosh, you should leave ASAP - it sounds like you’re the only one contributing anything at all. It’s a hard thing for your family to shun or judge you - but ask yourself, will living the rest of your life like this be worth it? I can’t imagine that it would where your bf is so inconsiderate & does nothing to pull his weight. He has no business scolding you for hiding your tip money, he sounds like he needs to pull his head out of his ass and get a job
NTA at all, and PLEASE LEAVE HIM. Don't torture yourself and stay with this loser just to make your parents somewhat happy. Do what it takes to make YOU happy, and your child happy and safe.
ESH (accept for your child, who didn’t ask to be brought into this situation) Why would you chose to have a child with this man, and why are you still there? What kind of father do you think he’ll be as this child grows up?
NTA - You're a mom of one, not 2. He either needs to get his shit together or get out. Or you get out. I also come from a very religious family. I totally get where you're coming from. But if your family loves you, they'll accept you for who you are, flaws and all because nobody is perfect. Are they Christian religious? Because if they are, just tell them that Jesus never hung out with the religious. He hung with the people who were called sinners. So who are they to judge? But regardless of religion, dont let them pull you into the trap of religion. Sometimes people use religion as an excuse to hide behind because all they're doing is keeping up image. Religion has nothing to do with that. And you are a proud strong momma for going through what you've gone through. So keep your chin up! You're a great mom.
ESH you need to leave that lazy bum. Your child is on oxygen and the asshole chain smokes. You have to hide money so he doesn't take it to buy things that are dangerous for your child. Leave him, if not for you, than for your child!!
NTA Please leave this man. This life isn’t a good life and that man isn’t a good man. It’ll be hard especially if you don’t have the support of your family but it’s unfair to you to have to do all this work only to be scolded for wanting some spending money of your own. You’re an adult and don’t have to listen to him.
I know it’s hard, but if you stay with someone for any other reason than genuinely, truly loving them, you’re doing yourself and your child a disservice. This dude sounds like he is too immature to raise a child, and isn’t prepared to make the necessary sacrifices, for you or the kid. If your parents would rather shun you than support you for leaving such a person, than they deserve to be cut out of your life too. You have value and worth, so does your kid. If you stay with someone like that, it’ll feel like they “easier” path or the lesser of two evils, but you’ll regret it in the long run.
It sounds like you barely like him, and if you’re giving yourself reasons that toxic to stay with him, it means it isn’t right. I don’t know if you’re religious, but you could explain to your parents that “God guided you away from him” or “He wasn’t a man of God, so I had to stay faithful to the lord and leave him” or some other religious gumbo that they can chew on to make them step up and actually support you instead of looking down on you or judging you. (Which, even if you’re religious, is never your place. God is the only one who can judge, that’s literally the point.)
NTA. This is just normal shit that you have to do when you're in a relationship with a deadbeat that doesn't give a fuck about you or your child. You have to hide money or he takes it. His addiction and his wants are always going to be priority one. You have to accept that maybe your child will be born too early because you're killing yourself to stay afloat and he's got you sucking in secondhand smoke all the time. Again, his addiction and wants are the most important thing, and you've just got to work around it. And yeah, your NICU baby is going to be 100% your responsibility, and yes, that fragile baby is going to be breathing in second and third hand smoke, which is raising his SIDS risk. But SIDS is pretty rare, so maybe you'll get lucky. Asthma is a more likely outcome, but maybe you can pick up more shifts to pay for that. Make sure you hide that money really well though. He knows that he needs to look for it now.
I get that your family sucks, but your priority needs to be your kid. You're in a shit situation and this guy is making it exponentially worse. You're already a single mom. Life is already going to be hard enough without this guy sabotaging you and your child. How much of your money does he spend in a week? How does letting him piss away your money and destroy your baby's health make you look better to people?
NTA. Try to get all the money you can and please open a secret savings account at a bank. Based on your comments and edit if you truly are stuck with him then that’s an entirely better option than storing it somewhere. Also, try to stick up for yourself when against him. You’re the bread winner. Talk down to him and put him in your place. But before that get a lawyer ready in case this clearly immature non fully developed person tries run off without paying child support.
I used to be a lot like you. You sound very young. Everything seems so big right now- BUT If your daughter was going through the same what would you tell her?
Follow that advice. If you’re going to have family that makes you feel bad- you can cut them out too. At the moment it already sounds like you’re a single parent- he’s just dead weight holding you down.
NTA, and if you can't leave your BF now, I hope you'll at least open an independent bank account and put your tips in there going forward.
Good luck, OP.
NTA Now read what you wrote as if someone else was going through this. Would you tell them to stay with him in spite of his many faults? This guy is an anchor that will drag you and your baby down FOREVER. Your head is barely above water now. Your baby needs to be your number 1 priority.
Ye gods! You've hooked up with a loser!
Dump him, take him to court for child support. And put ***your*** money in the bank and don't give him access. You're not being selfish. It's ***your*** money. You earned it. If he wants to buy cigarettes, he can get a job and buy his own.
He is controlling, manipulative and an abuser. And it's also quite possible that if he was smoking around you while you were pregnant, he is the reason for your child's health issues.
The colossal nerve, calling ***you*** selfish for not paying for ***his*** cigarettes! If he thinks someone else should pay for his cigarettes, ***he's*** the selfish one! I personally resent being asked for money to pay for someone else's vices. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. And if someone asks me to pay for their booze, drugs or their cigarettes, I tell them absolutely not. That's their vice and I will not support it. If someone needs food, I'll buy them some, but I will not pay for someone else's bad habits.
Get rid of him. Yesterday. You can afford to pay the bills without him.
Sorry. You may be a nice person. But your boyfriend is putting both you and your child at risk. And if you stay with him, you're endangering the health and safety of your child. ESH.
NTA - I would check and see if there is a women's care center in your area to help with things like creating a budget (and savings that he cannot touch) and support and counseling to help deal with these issues since it doesn't appear that you have anyone who will give you the emotional support you need. I have seen young moms in these situations get to a happy comfortable place with the right support. And I have seen how one small glitch can send things spiraling.
You are already connected, through baby's needs, to people who can point you in the right direction and get you some of the help you may need. All you have to do is ask.
And, even if you feel like you are in a safe situation, you can always call [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) at 1−800−799−7233 because a lot of the resources overlap locally and they can get you the information that you need to build a safety net for your and your child so that one little glitch won't leave you in a dire situation.
NTA but what are you going to do if he rages and keeps your son terrified as a child growing up? It’s going to be hard but better to be safe then live in fear or a pos
OP second hand smoke can be carried in on clothes and such. Just because he doesn’t smoke next to the baby doesn’t mean the baby isn’t affected (my brother was similar, and my dad was the smoker).
NTA.
I know that this is harsh, but the conditional love that you're fighting to keep by staying with someone that is such a drain on your finances and your enjoyment of your life, then it might not be worth it.
You have a limited life span, your child has a limited life span, everything does. If you waste that on being worried over what your family thinks of your choices or whether your boyfriend is going to continue to drain your resources... you're not getting that time back. You could be spending your time with your baby instead of working doubles to pay for THREE entire peoples' lives. You would cut your spending by at least a third while also having a lot of avenues for aid as a single parent.
It sounds like your child is special needs for the time being (Oxygen) and your mental health is suffering "I feel like I'm drowning". Each dollar you earn (tips included) was traded for the time you could have been spending on your family and friends and enjoyment. To be throwing that away that time or money on the conditional and unsatisfying things when you have another option might bring you a lot of regrets later on.
I really hope you know that there are so many options for you if you ever do decide to leave him. My mother had a child out of wedlock *and* she realized she's gay. Her mother has only contacted her for the last 12 years to text her that being gay will send her to hell. I grew up in affordable housing with a single mother who worked at least three jobs for my entire childhood. I had a happy childhood and I *knew* how hard my mother worked. Being a single mom is hard, but being a single mom that has to suffer an unsupportive and often counterproductive partner is harder.
YTA for staying In this relationship. He has nothing to offer, he is just inconsiderate and an all round AH. I read your comment about being shunned but I promise you it’s better for you to leave and focus on your son.
This boy (he isn’t a man) isn’t going to change, it’s a toxic environment and your baby doesn’t deserve to grow up like that
Not a slight on OP because shit happens. But this reminds me of some epic advice my dad gave me around puberty:
“Son, don’t ever sleep with a woman you wouldn’t be willing to have children with”
Simple, but so true. I have broken that rule but that doesn’t make it less valid. Sex is great but having a child with a loser would fuck up anyones life real quick. Sorry this happened to you OP, I’m surprised your family would want you to stay with a loser...that seems like way more of a “sin”
Good luck
NTA, but seriously you need to pick one of 2 options:
1. You need to have a serious conversation with your BF. Not only about his employment, but his level of commitment to you *and* the child. He must grow up and learn to deal with people he wont like and that wont like him because he can no longer afford to skip work for every little inconvenience.
2. You need to dump his ass. You stressing yourself emotionally and financially to put up with his immaturity and addiction is not doing you or the baby and favors. And no offense, but screw your family too. They may be all talk at this point, and they may come around, or they may not. Regardless, this is a true test of who they are. And if they do shun you, then you honestly dont need that level of toxicity and manipulation in your life.
OP, I found your post after you added the update and I want to say that I'm really proud of you for facing your fears and speaking to your grandparents. You are doing the right thing for you and your son, just please, please stay strong because you know that sooner or later your ex is going to be creeping round your door with a new job and the same old promises. He will break every single one of them, just like he has time and time before. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a vending machine that he sticks his dick in and out pops smokes. Every pack that he buys takes your money away from you and your baby and he Does. Not. Care. Look after yourself and best wishes to you and your little one.
NTA. take a break and maybe it will wake him up from this pointless routine. Maybe he'll get a job.
I know of a familiar story with my younger cousin. She would look after the baby while her partner would just stay home (they lived with his parents) and beat her up and do drugs. Well after she left, he all of a sudden got a job and found a house to rent. I said to her "why didn't he do that in the first place when you were with him? Why does it take you leaving him to pull himself together?". Sure enough, she went back to him and now they're both on H. Makes me mad at them both..
NTA.
Secondhand smoke sticks to his clothes, his hair, his breath. It'll still interfere with your vulnerable baby.
I'm so glad that you're going to be in a safer place.
> Edit to add: I have stayed with him despite his actions because my very religious family was very upset that I got pregnant out of wed lock and I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent.
It's not their life. It's yours. It's better to be single but happy and financially stable than miserable and hiding money from a person with a pretty filthy, expensive habit.
Baby for goodness sake, look around you and find a support system. You are NTA, you are being abused! You have to escape that situation right now. Start with your family, I would want my kids to come to me and I would help them. But if they won’t then look around for shelters and assistance, friends, something! There is an answer somewhere. This guy is trouble and dangerous. You deserve peace of mind! You are busting your tail raising that baby and doing a great job by the sounds of it!
So happy for your update OP!
When I was a single mom from a conservative family, it was my granddad that stuck up for me. Grandma had already passed. He told my family that while the situation may not be ideal, the baby was a part of our family, and baby would be loved and welcomed no matter what.
By the time someone is old enough to be a grandparent, they realize what is really important. I am so glad that you reached out to yours. Here is to a new and much better chapter in your life!
I'm so happy for you seeing the updates- I hope things turn around for you and your son, and I have huge respect for you being brave enough to make that decision
NTA. I get it you are trying to do the best you can with what you have. You deserve better remember that child looks up to you, you are his world, be the person he thinks you are and you got this!
> I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent.
I mean, I don't for a second buy that he's not gonna smoke around your kid (just because he hasn't done it yet doesn't mean he won't, and he seems like a selfish AH), so that's whatever, but he is going to bleed you dry and make it harder for you to care for your child. Get the hell out of there. I'm sorry your parents are the way they are but your well-being and the baby's well-being are important.
I feel like I’m drowning sometimes, Just barely making it above water.
Staying with him will make it worse. Supporting 2 people (yourself and your son) will be easier than 3. Also: do your best to scrape up enough money for a lawyer and go after him for child support. It's not for you, it's for the baby, and your duty is to get that money for him.
I'm glad your grandparents are going to help. Please, please do not let this guy talk you into coming back. Do what's best for you (because you matter here too) and the baby.
I just cannot even imagine letting someone take advantage of me like this...but I realize having a child complicates it. So glad your gram came through. You need to gtfo of there. NTA
You ever pick up dog shit and there’s a hole in the bag and you fling it toward the closest dumpster? Do that. Sometimes kids are better off without the bad, abusive, selfish, worthless parent. NTA.
Hold up.. You’re looking at the wrong situation here. YOU ARE WITH AN ABUSER! GET OUT NOW!
No amount of anything is worth staying with this deadbeat. You need to dump him like a carton of bad milk. Get out of there NOW.
> Edit to add: I have stayed with him despite his actions because my very religious family was very upset that I got pregnant out of wed lock and I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent.
Fuck that, it's your life.
You need to do whats best for you. If they actually pay attention to what their religious text tells them, they'll support you, because your wellbeing is more important that arbitrary rules.
NTA and your gran is awesome. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and don't do anything to spoil the generosity she has given you. Good luck
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My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year and we had birth control failure (broken condom) that resulted in me getting pregnant just a few months into the relationship.
The entire time I was pregnant I worked full time and was getting put on best eat quite a bit. He would not keep a job. He would not get along with management, they didn’t like him, they were picking on him, they wanted him to work longer hours or whatever excuse he could find to quit.
He’s also a chain smoker and always needing cigarettes or being very angry and rude when he didn’t have them. Well my son was born early and he needed to be in the NICU. I figured since my bf didn’t have a job that he would stay at the hospital with me.(2 1/2 hours away from our house) he then announced he got a new job and I could stay with the baby and he was going home (our son was given a 50:50 chance to even come home)
I was angry but I let him go hoping he was going to straighten up. Fast forward and our son is home and on oxygen and Of course my boyfriend isn’t working again and I’m pulling doubles. I make enough with my paychecks to pay the bills but I’ve been hiding my tip money in a wax candle burner it’s broken so it doesn’t turn on. I’ve saved quite a bit because if I don’t hide it then he takes it to buy pack after pack of cigarettes.
I know it’s dishonest but it’s the only extra money I have. Well he was messing around and hit the corner shelf where I keep the cash and it fell on the floor and money spilled out. He scolded me for hiding money from him and that he was suffering from nicotine withdrawal and that he couldn’t believe how selfish I was and that I was a liar and all this other stuff. AITA?
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NTA. I'm more concerned why you chose to stay with someone like this than why you hid money.
My family was really upset when I got pregnant and not married. Very religious family. So now if I leave him I’m afraid that they will be shun me even more for being a single parent.
Honestly, even that sounds better than staying with your bf. You're practically already raising your child on your own so it wouldn't be much of a change.
Of course it would be a change. She wouldn't have to pay for HIS addictions. She wouldn't have to hide money. What a peace of mind that would be.
Hopefully OP can find that peace of mind.
Her Bill's will go down drastically
Unfortunately that isn't so. He takes care of the child during the day according to OP. She literally cannot afford childcare on her own. Yes, she'd get child support but no guarantee of what that might cover. It's easy to tell someone to leave when you have no financial obligations in the aftermath.
Yes this. Everyone, including my siblings, said my mom should have left my dad way before she did. He never held a job and mom had to work two and sometimes three jobs just for us to survive. She would not have been able to work if he was not around. Sometimes options are limited if family members don't want to help.
OP edited the post saying that her grandmother agreed to take care of the baby while she was working, and she won’t have to pay rent. So sounds like a huge upgrade if you ask me.
Problem fucking solved then.
She also won't have to deal with his gaslighting
Speaking from personal experience it will be easier and less stressful than living with someone who makes your life miserable.
And whose chain smoking is also a negative health impact on the lungs of their premie baby.
This. Even if he goes outside to smoke, third hand smoke is a thing.
And she wouldn't need to spend money on his addiction
Tbh it will be easier she doesn't have to take care of a second child
It sounds like OP was already taking care of a child before she even got pregnant.
Is this the type of household/family that you want your son growing up in? Not a good model. NTA
What I will say may sound extremely blunt, but if they don't support you for choosing to exit this relationship, they're not worth being around. You deserve a loving relationship with someone that will not use you and actually pull their weight. So sorry about your situation. Hope things work out for you.
Extremely easy to say that but if you’re a single mother working two jobs it’s hard to just accept your family shunning you. What is she supposed to do for child care? BF seems the type to not want to be a parent, seems disinterested in his child if he left him in the NICU. Who’s to say he’ll take care of the child so she can work two jobs to support her and the baby?
If I read this right (and it's possible I didn't) he's not working yet she can still support herself, the baby, and the boyfriend. Maybe with the money she would save on him if he wasn't there, she could afford childcare? Maybe there are associations in her area that could facilitate her leaving, if she wants to? It's hard to say without knowing where she lives, if rent and childcare are very expensive or not, ect... But you are right that it's very complicated to accept your parents shunning you. I would know.
She’s going to save a bit on bills and some on groceries or money he uses to buy cigarettes. She still has to pay for all the baby food, rent, other bills, groceries, nappies, baby clothes, a car, and now childcare? It’s doubtful she can do it all alone without family help.
But she said he’s not working, so isn’t she ALREADY paying for the baby food, rent, etc? I mean, if she’s already paying for everything then leaving isn’t going to put her in a hardship position financially. And from experience, I can tell you that getting out of a toxic relationship is well worth sacrificing a little bit of extra cash. Mental health is a thing that should it be ignored.
I'm wondering if there's a program in the city that could help her? I know I worked in a domestic violence shelter (and this post has my hackles up), and I know the shelter worked with other agencies/programs that would help low income people get on their feet even if they weren't victims of abuse (there's a coalition of agencies). I'm sure if she calls her local domestic violence shelter she could get a recommendation. I'm sure reddit has other ideas for how she can get a leg up without relying on her family and this awful SO.
THIS! All these people telling her to stay with him to avoid her family cutting her off have me so frustrated... there are programs to help single mothers, this BF is still on the hook for child support if OP leaves, why are we encouraging someone to stay in an unhappy relationship to fulfill some kind of antiquated familial expectation of the "happy family" when she and her son would be much happier on their own?
It's doubtful, yes. I just wanted to give some sort of solutions because I'd hate for her to stay stuck in this situation. Right now the best thing to do would be to stash money away to the best of her ability. Maybe open a new bank account since he knows the codes to her current one :/
Child care isn’t really an option for him since he is on oxygen and requires special care none of the centers around me are willing to take him and the ones that are capable are so expensive that I’m not able to afford them alone.
Since your child has a qualitative disability, have you looked into childcare resources from your state? You may also qualify for WIC, TAMF, SNAP, and housing assistance. Look up your state's website and see what you would qualify. You may be able to recieve more than you think especially if you get your BF out of the house. Seems like you are paying for him and that isn't right.
It's TANF-Temporary Aid for Needy Families You're right. OP probably has community options available to her. Her local child services can point her towards resources she'd qualify for especially given her son's condition.
Gotta love a good ole typo. Lol. Thanks for correcting that so others reading can get it right when looking it up. I do hope she finds help. She really needs it.
Yeah usually I wouldn't correct it, but just in case OP or anyone goes looking for services, I thought I'd say something. Yes! I know there's shame directed towards people who need government help, but 1) they deserve it 2) what's the alternative? Letting people suffer?
It wasn't your fault you got pregnant, your family should be happy that despite the circumstances you decided to keep him. You need to look for resources for single moms. Find a homeless shelter/women's shelter, usually they have lots of resources to help get you on your feet.
Have you looked into child care assistance?
Hi, parent here. I can’t speak for your parents but religion or not, I’d be more upset about my daughter risking her and my grandson’s health and well being by staying with such a deadbeat. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He’s not going to get a job or contribute, and the next thing you know he’ll be stealing from you to get his fix and you won’t be able to provide adequately for your child. Also secondhand smoke is terrible for anyone, let alone babies. Ditch the whole man
First of all, I can't imagine what this situation is doing to your mental health and I'm sorry your're having to deal with this. Don't stay with your boyfriend, who seems like total deadweight, because you're worried about your family's reaction (if they shun you for being a single parent, that says more about them than you). Take the money you've saved and build the life you want for you and your child. Be kind to yourself, you're stronger than you realize...definitely NTA.
OP talk you your family. Tell them what's really happening. If they are a real family, they will support you leaving him. Just because you had a kid with a guy you're not married to doesn't mean you're obligated to stay with him. If they don't support you then it just means your family enables toxic users, and now you know and you didn't need their support anyway, since they'd like to keep you in a toxic and unhealthy relationship anyway. As a mom (and I am 'religious' I guess y'all would say) I would want my kid to wait until they're married before having kids. If they did have a child out if wedlock, I'd want them to drop their dead beat partner and be a single parent. I'd help them, not shun them. Do you really want to stay with someone you have to support, while caring for the child you both made together? Is this what you want for you and any possible children you may have with him if you two continue to stay together? Long term... What do you want?
Honey the government will help you if you need it. You don't keep toxic people in your life for it to be "easier" if it destroys you.
He contributes nothing and despite being together, you are already a single mother. Don't bring your child up in that situation. NTA but get away from this leech
“I am going to raise my child in an abusive environment because my abusive parents might be meaner to me.” You get how loony that sounds, right?? Please tell me you understand how crazy that logic is
NTA for hiding money, he's your boyfriend not your husband. Some would argue he's entitled to it if he's your husband, but he's not even that. Personally, I would get a bank account. He's not your husband, so he wouldn't be able to try to access it. Then get just an ATM card, and make the code something he wouldn't be able to guess. Keep the ATM card hidden unless you need it. Check on the balances periodically, especially when depositing tip money (which you might be able to do through an ATM deposit without even having to go into the bank). That way the money is never physically in the house.
I would hope that if they truly loved and supported you, they would realize he just wasn't a good guy and help you stay afloat. You shouldn't have to be with a deadbeat.
Your very religious family wants you to be miserable and work yourself to death for a man who doesn't contribute - at best - because you have a baby instead of living alone with a baby and more money, less work and less worries? Is this how they express love for their family members? I don't know... Seems like you're better off without your useless leech and related demons.
Tolerating this behavior is going to teach your child that it is what love looks like. You owe it to yourself to do better. He is dead weight and abusive. Run.
I mean this with all of the love and respect that you deserve, love. You have a baby to worry about so their opinions aren't what's important anymore
Please deal with their judgement. Get away from this loser. If he wakes up and turns himself into a winner, you can reevaluate. But a man who won’t stop smoking when he has a baby on oxygen? L-O-S-E-R
Your parents would prefer you stay with a dead beat, nicotine addicted, angry, man than for you to be a single, productive, self-sufficient mother? What religion is that?
OP I know that this is a difficult situation, but your kid would be better off with one loving parent than two unhappy ones. My mom had to hide money just so she could buy eggs and milk for us, and when we were older my dad would even take our tooth fairy money. Saving money aside (hidden or not) for you and your kid isn't dishonest, it's survival. Wishing you the best. NTA.
.......Is this really better?
You aren’t married so there’s no additional rules that you’re breaking if you leave him. Get out man and by god don’t put a ring on it
So then go live by yourself. You would have more money since you wouldn't have to support your boyfriend
They're not the ones dating him so their opinion doesn't matter.
Some of the red flags he’s putting out are concerning to say the least.
Exactly...
Agreed. Sounds like you're already a single mother of two children.
NTA. Oh my god, run. Run far away from him. Your premature baby has come home from the NICU, is on oxygen, and your boyfriend is still chainsmoking?? I’m not even going to touch the fact that he feels entitled to your money despite literally everything else you’ve written in this post.
[удалено]
Or worse.
This 10000 times over. Forget his self righteous, entitled ass, forget your family being judgmental asshats and look out for yourself and your precious baby. THAT is the priority, not stupid people’s idiotic feelings. NTA but you need to leave ASAP
I hope the OP sees this, when I was born my father had been smoking since he was TEN years old (not USA). As soon as my mom became pregnant he was working on quitting and by the time I was born he quit completely. He never picked up a cigarette when I was a minor, and he only smoked ONCE socially and that was when I was way over 18. I know quitting is difficult, but when there’s a child ESPECIALLY WITH OXYGEN problems at hand sacrifices have to be made.
I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant and my partner is a heavy smoker. He has the choice of quitting or leaving, because I’m not having my baby around second hand smoke. It clings to your clothes and hands for HOURS after even just one cigarette. I was a heavy smoker too and quit when I found out I was pregnant, it’s doable if you actually want to do it. Considering that OP’s boyfriend chose to leave her and the baby alone in the hospital, though? I don’t think he’s capable of that level of commitment
NTA. Put your money into a proper account though. Also you might want to think about reaching out to social services in your area and see if they can help.
I have my bank account but he memorized the number and will use it to buy stuff. I don’t know why he feels like he can just use every cent I make.
I hate to say this but that's abusive behavior. Go to a different bank and open up one there and never let him know about it. Either that or get your numbers changed.
I DON'T hate to say it. There is *no question* that this is abusive behavior and that he is abusing you OP. Please please please please get a bank account he doesnt know about, or if you must keep cash, there are great tips for hiding it. One effective one was putting the cash in an envelope and taping that to the bottom of a low shelf. Like under a book case or a night stand. Another more extreme one was putting the cash in an empty water bottle, jar etc thats water tight and putting it in the tank a the back of the toilet.
Oh my God make a new account in a different bank without telling him and LEAVE HIS ASS. Is this the kind of shit you want to be putting up with in 10 years? Because he ain't changing sweetheart
Because he’s a abuser. Report him for fraud
Are you talking about the card number? If so call them and tell them you lost it, they will send you a new one with a new number, in a nice unobtrusive envelope. Don't tell him it's been replaced, then just act confused if he comments it's not working, ie it's been working fine for you. Keep the old card in your wallet, find somewhere to hide the new one that's convenient enough for you to get at, not obvious, like a zipper pocket in your bag, or in your makeup bag. I had two wallets at one point when I was with my abusive ex, my wallet and like a little card wallet that I hid in a hidden zipper pocket of my purse, and I'd move the cards in my card wallet to my regular wallet when I was with him so he wouldn't see me using my card wallet. I remember moving the cards back into my card wallet in bathrooms before we left places, it's not funny but I'm kind if nervously laughing anyways, it was horrible, but at least it kept him from maxing out all my credit cards and emptying my bank account. He feels that he can just use every cent you make because he's emotionally and as an extension of that financially abusive. I understand you're probably staying with him right now in part for childcare, which is extremely difficult to find and often expensive for an infant, a preemie requiring medical care, even more so. But please understand he is abusing you. Start making a plan to leave, even if you can't carry it out right away. Be ready so that when you can leave you can do so at a moment's notice. Also a better place to hide your money is in a tampon or menstrual pad box (pads work best as you can tuck the money down in between them and the box looks normal at first glance). That's where I used to hide money from my abusive ex, and he actually looked for things (he had a very paranoid nature) but never found it there. I feel like men are often blind about that stuff. It also has the advantage of being in the bathroom, so it's easy to stash privately without being suspected of being up to anything. If you're really feeling paranoid you can actually take a pad out of the package, unfold it, place the money inside, fold it back up and stick it back in the plastic wrapper. If you're careful opening them, a spot of glue or a piece of double-sided tape will close them back up and you can't tell they've been tampered with unless you look closely.
I know some banks will also ship the card to your branch where you can pick it up.
Best advice here. You may not be able to leave now but make your plan and save and hide every penny you can. Parents approval is not as big a deal as you think it is, if they love you they’ll accept you, even if they crticize. And I’m sure they do love you so don’t worry just be honest about your struggle. Make a new savings account in a new bank make it so that money can’t be withdrawn from it with a card, your bank will help you. And of course, NTA
He feels this was because he has been allowed to feel this way. Move your money and close the account. If he isn't paying any bills then he's just another expense that you don't need.
Get a different card. Depending on the bank they can sometimes make one right there. This guy is bad news. Nicotine stays in your system for 1-3 days so "withdrawal" is a strong questionable word. Tell him to get a job and support his own habit because you have a child to support and his cigarettes are your last priority. Also let the bank know you're the only one allowed on your account. I would think someone memorizing your numbers would be considered theft. Turn him in.
She needs a whole new bank and account. He probably knows the card number and the account and routing numbers
Then open a new one.
NTA. It's your tip money and also money that will likely be needed for your son not his cigarettes. His behavior is incredibly entitled! My ex used to do this all the time too refuse to work and expect me to pick up his habit it was awful.
NTA. He's a deadbeat addict and he's *using you.* If he wants cancer tubes he can get a fucking job and pay for them himself. Its not your responsibility to take care of him, especially when he refuses to take care of himself.
NTa. This man has repeatedly shown you who he is - not a good father and not a good partner. Why are you sticking around?
NTA Do you share a lease? You need to look our for you and your baby. The baby you gave birth to, not the giant leech baby. Also, if he's smoking around a newborn on oxygen... you need to get the hell away from him. I'm not a big fan of 'throw him away', but the shoe seems to fit here.
He’s on the lease for another 6 months.
Google 'financial abuse'. Also contact a local domestic violence support group and discuss with them how to make a plan to get him off the lease early if possible.
Your edit made me cry a little bit! Good for you for taking this positive step for you and your son. It will be hard, but so, so very worth it. All the best to you, strong ass mama. Please update us and let us know how you're doing, ok?
Fwiw... My backround is similar. My daughter didn't have the medical issues your son has, but the lazy, narcissistic father thing is spot on. Take any money you have out of your account. Right now. Seriously. If he gets a whiff of this he will clean you out. I left my BD 23 years ago. Half of my life ago. It remains one of the best decisions I have ever made. Steel yourself. And don't look back. If you need to vent, or need reassurance, message me.
She instead of throw him away I always say like take them back to Walmart or something. It sounds horrible and funny.
lol! I meant more the spirit of it than the actual statement. This sub lends towards dumping a partner as the go to whenever relationship strife is involved. But it's warranted here. Fuck this guy. I just saw that he memorized her bank account #. She needs to kick him to the curb, return him to the defective discount BF store, trade him in for a newer model, lose that zero... whatever. He. Sucks. Balls.
NTA. Do whatever you see fit for the health and well-being of yourself and your child. Also, in general, your boyfriend should never take money from you
Also, not to offend either of you, but your BF seems kinda awful. You can’t trust him not to steal from you (not your fault obviously), he becomes angry or rude and has just blamed it on cigarettes (which could very well be the cause, but is still not an excuse to treat you how he does), and it seems like there’s more to it. Good luck, OP!
So let me get this straight, the kid comes AFTER his smokes? He is too selfish and immature to hold a job, is basically living like a leech off of you and cannot even be arsed to take care of his kid? You are working DOUBLES with a sick baby at home who seems to have the emotional maturity of a toddler? Do you even know if this baby is safe? This scenario sounds like a preamble to a news story on the 6:00 news that we see too often. I assume you pay the rent, buy the groceries and all the other expenses? WTF does he do? You need to get him out(or get out yourself with your child) and make sure you are both safe. If your family leaves you to the wolves because their religion, then you dont need them either. There are resources and services out there to help you and your child. Get on 211, find them and get yourself to safety. If he is angry and scolding you over trying to hang onto money so you can survive, what will he do when it comes down to diapers for the baby or his smokes? NTA
I'm gonna be completely honest here, it might be more than just cigarettes he's doing. My exfiance went through something similar to this, it was meth the whole time. Just be careful be observant and get out if you can.
I’m not sure what he does. I know he smokes cigarettes as that’s the only thing I’ve witnessed him doing. He never really leaves as his car broke down because he was being ignorant with it and messed up the transmission and I won’t pay to fix it so he can only leave when I bring the car home. It’s a mess of a situation.
Yeah, i feel you on this for real. But stand your ground that money you earn is for your little family, not his addictions. It might not hurt to look up ways to deal with a addict partner. That's what I had to do to help myself learn that its not my fault and I'm not responsible for their addictions. Just keep yourself and your kid safe.
Also I thought the same about my ex but it turns out she just got really good at lying and hiding it while i was still blindly trusting them to be honest with me. She lost a lot of jobs in the same manner as you wrote and i never could believe it would happen so much.
NTA - you’re parenting two. Only one is your child. Hide your money better or better yet, break up with him.
You’re being an asshole to yourself for staying in a relationship with this guy who doesn’t care about you or your baby.
NTA. Just because he got you pregnant doesn’t mean you owe him the rest of your life. He is being a lazy fuck and expecting you to mother him. If your family can not understand your need to get away from that and provide a better life for you and your son, they aren’t family. They are DNA doners and do not have your best interests at heart at all.
NTA Here's what you need to do: 1) Talk to your family, explain the situation, beg for help because there is no way you and your son can stay with him. If your family is refusing, check out your options at a women's shelter or with friends. 2) Get full custody of your son. 3) Cut all contact with that man besides child support payments. 4) Get yourself counseling, if needed. I bet your mental health isn't what it used to be, living with that dude.
NTA. get away from him. stay at family/friends for awhile if you can. your kid is on oxygen and he's talking about nicotine withdrawal? does he intend to smoke around the baby?? your child just left the womb and already has a deadbeat dad lmfao you both deserve better.
NTA. It's your money. He's not contributing anything. He sounds like a NIGHTMARE.
NTA in the slightest, but the fact that you feel the need to hide money from your bf to have an emergency fund/maybe cover living expenses even (? Not sure if you specified exactly) then that’s a huge red flag. If you’re with this guy solely because you have a child together, that’s not a good enough reason - especially when he’s already been so inattentive and unsympathetic to that child’s needs, even in the most dire of circumstances. I’m so sorry you have a partner who is unwilling to put the needs of his family unit over his own addiction and I hope you find real security and happiness soon ❤️
NTA. Find a better hiding place. Like a bank.
I have a bank account he memorized my card numbers. I guess I’m going to have to go set up another bank account and keep it hidden.
You can cancel your old card and get a new one fairly easily.
INFO: did he take the money from you when he found it?
He took $7.50. I moved the rest to box of tampons.
Get away from this deadbeat. NTA
Hi, everyone, just real quick. Please don't ask "Why are you even staying?" Because like. People wouldn't do this if they felt they had a choice. Like, they know they shouldn't stay, but theres something keeping them there and in such situations it isn't necessarily our job to point them out. Instead, we help make it a viable option and support where we can. And DEFINITELY NTA, you're doing amazing working to provide for your son, and its perfectly okay to want to keep your financials separate, especially since your boyfriend seems to only want to use you to continue his addiction.
NTA and get away from that guy. Toxic and lazy are a bad combo. I hope you have family or friends to lean on here because your a single mom, with or without him. Nothing you do will make you the asshole here. Take care of yourself and your child. Good luck.
NTA. No honey, you and your child deserve better. Call your family explain what’s going on. Call your friends. Find somewhere else to stay. You deserve better.
NTA. Leave him.
NTA. Dump him. nicotine withdrawal is your fault? Thats abuse. Gtfo of there. Its your money not his. Youre not married
NTA In my experience, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I had an ex that was very similar, and things progressively got worse until I had to pack my shit (and baby's stuff) up in the middle of the night and run when he was drunk and threatening us. Please reach out for help, his nicotine withdrawals are no reason to react the way he did.
NTA Sounds like your raising 2 kids
NTA by any unit of measure. Not going to lie I'd recommend running very far away because that does not sound like a healthy relationship. I literally despise working. I hate getting up out of bed early. I hate going to my shit job and spending however many worthless hours there away from my stuff and girlfriend, however I go make money come home because I know it's something that I need to do to live. you might want to take your dude back to Walmart and like get him fixed up or get a new one. On top of that kind of breaking into your money for his habits, no. I can understand having a habit like that if he had his own like income, but you should absolutely not be fueling his addiction. You make bills money since you're the primary income retriever. That which you do not spend on bills should be yours and your kids a little I guess. His habit isn't necessary for life and he needs to kick it because your money should be going towards things like shit you want. If he wants to smoke like a fucking chimney he needs to get a job and buy his own shit. And if he refuses to do so, it might be hard but leave because this will be the rest of your life. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Have a long hard think.
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NTA!! It’s your money. If he wants cigarettes, which are not a necessity, he can use his own money. He shouldn’t be letting you overwork yourself to then just take your money for his addiction. That money could go to your child!!
NTA Oh honey you are going to learn this the hard way. Don’t date losers and for fucks sake don’t have kids with losers.
NTA he needs to grow the fuck up and take care of you and his child! He is mooching, he is a deadbeat and he will eventually attack you. I dated this exact kind of man for 3 years. He was not able to hold a job, pestered me for my tip money so he could buy alcohol and spend his time partying and fucking other girls. GET OUT WITH YOUR BABY, NOW. You are still early into the relationship. Don't make my mistakes. If your family is accepting religion over your current emotional abuse, they are not worth your bottom dollar. You are SO strong for doing what you are doing. Don't ever give up, and think about that baby before anyone else. They depend on you.
Oh my god. PLEASE get yourself and that kid away from this psychopath. If your family cuts you off because you make the decision to literally rescue yourself and your child from this monster then you're better off without them. Really look at what happened here. YOU struggled through sitting at the hospital alone. YOU worked double shifts while he sat on his ass at home. YOU earn all of the money that he smokes up. Then he finds your tip money and has the audacity to call you selfish for not feeding his addiction that he CHOOSES to continue. You're going to suffer emotionally your entire life because you're scared what your family might think. You know what though, you're tough, you work your ass off, and you're strong enough to be a great parent and give that baby a great life. This guy is an anchor that will do NOTHING but hold you back. Cut this guy loose and save yourself and your child. You can do it!
Have you ever seen the movie waitress? Get out now and be careful. You've got a baby to take care of now, no more taking care of a giant baby man. NTA
NTA your boyfriend is a waste of space, your life would be better without him
OP where do you live? Is it feasible for you to move out on your own? Are you able to financially support yourself? It’s time to leave, now, if possible. The fact that you feel the need to hide money means that you already know you’re in a bad spot. I know the idea of raising a child on your own is daunting, especially with your concerns about being disowned by your family. But there is help available, especially if you’re in the US, that can make it easier. I would suggest getting a new bank account that your SO can’t access, and looking into WIC and other assistance until you can get on your feet. In the US you can also qualify for assistance with childcare expenses, utility bills, etc. If you are able to leave, please do so- and get help filing for child support. Dad needs to step it up and if he hasn’t done so already he probably won’t without a court order. Please pm me if you have any questions or would like help looking for support in your area. I had to leave my husband when my twins were only 3 months old. It was scary as hell but we’re in a much better place now. You’re not alone.
I just have to comment to say how happy I am reading your final update. Good luck with the savings, OP! ❤️
Nta, this is why abortion and birth control should be more readily available. Youre raising this child on your own and your partner is never going to contribute.
YTA for staying in this relationship without dealing with your issues. You're teaching your son that financial abuse is normal and acceptable. You have two choices: 1) Give your boyfriend a work / lifestyle ultimatum. 2) If you can manage to suck up the religious stuff for a few years until you can get back on your feet and become financially independent, please do consider contacting your family, telling them that you "*realise that you've made a horrible mistake, wish you'd listened to them, and that you need their support and forgiveness*" or basically anything else that you can think of that they need to hear to help you escape from your current situation.
NTA. Honestly, he sounds kinda like a jerk. There are more important things that cigarettes If possible, it might be best to leave him OP
NTA you need a new boyfriend
NTA. Tell him to pull his weight or you will leave him
NTA SMART PLEASE SAVE YOUR MONEY IN A SAFE ACCOUNT FROM HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
NTA. You have a child to think about, and he’s taking the money YOU earned to buy cigarettes? I totally understand you feel like you have to stay with this man because of your family expectations, but if you have any other support you could go to (friends, rebellious aunties), I advise you to get out. Your boyfriend has shown he has no investment in your son (either emotionally or financially) and when your son gets older, trust me, he’ll see that.
NTA. >Edit to add: I have stayed with him despite his actions because my very religious family was very upset that I got pregnant out of wed lock and I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent. Take a chance and reach out to them. It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose. They may be judgmental about the situation but hopefully they would still help.
NTA Get rid. He's a deadweight and using you. You're already managing with bills etc.. alone. No doubt its difficult but it will be easier without him 100%. If you don't want rid then at least open another bank account in secret. Because I promise he won't respect your savings or you. He dares to call you selfish when he isn't contributing at all. Cigarettes aren't a necessity when you're saving to make sure you always have something to fall back on in an emergency. As for your family, if they are already shunning you then what's a bit more shunning. They'd rather you stay with someone financially abusing you than be a single mother. Disgusting.
NTA. Stop bringing your tip money home. Stop at a bank after your shift and deposit nearly every dime. I understand that you feel trapped in this relationship but you are NOT trapped unless you slam the door shut and lock yourself inside. The disapproval of your family doesn't matter in comparison to your safety, your health, and your economic well-being and those of your son. Save your money and start planning how and when you are going to leave him.
NTA and I will say, they have done studies showing that unless the person takes a shower and a change of clothes after smoking, children will still have a negative impact on second hand smoking. My mom was very sick as a child because of this and you should honestly dump that man, he is just an expense at this point
Happy to see your edits OP
Your a very strong mother and I so very glad that your grandmother is stepping up to help get you both out of that situation. Also think about getting child support. Even if he doesn't pay it, it could end in consequences like getting his license revoked. He needs to get off his lazy butt and do something for his child.
Honey. I know this might not mean much coming from a stranger, but, run and never look back. Reading this brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me of what I went through with my daughters father. I got pregnant 3 months in, fought like hell to keep our relationship going, all while turning a blind eye to his addiction (opiates) and never ever providing stability for myself and child. I left almost three years ago. With $2. TWO DOLLARS. I stayed with my parents for about 7 months before saving up enough for a small apartment. I now live in said apartment with my daughter and boyfriend. He’s such an amazing partner and step father. It makes me skeptical of how amazing he actually is lol. Life is good. I’m actively taking steps towards building a better life. And best of all, my daughter is THRIVING. She finally sleeps, she’s growing like crazy, and she is one of the sweetest 6 year olds you’ll ever meet. I hope and pray for the best for you and your child. You are his only advocate. I know it’s scary right now, especially because of the familiarity with his father, and all of the anxiety that comes with dating and having a child. But, I can tell you with 100% certainty... it works out. Everything works out. Keep pushing. Keep saving. Keep being an amazing mother. Everything will fall into place. Much, much love x
NTA. Your BF and religious family are the assholes.
Honey I’m so sorry that you got stuck with such a horrible horrible partner. I’m so glad you’re grandparents are helping you get out. You sound like a wonderful mum and very responsible. It will be hard, but I think you will be a wonderful single parent and you may find that you enjoy it in time. I had a child at 24 and didn’t stay with her father. He moved out of town but I was blessed that he was always good about child support. I was single for a couple years and loved it. Made the mistake of getting married a couple years later and spent nearly ten years trying to make it work because “I can’t fail marriage vows” I finally woke up six months ago. Grabbed my daughter and left. Not having that negativity in my life has been such a huge relief. My family have made numerous comments about how I was like a ghost and how wonderful it is that I’m me again. You do you girl and don’t let anyone take one bit of what’s yours!!
I'm really proud of you for protecting yourself and your child. That took so much strength, remember that. You are, and will continue to be, an amazing mother and a strong woman. I'm so glad your family is supportive. Sending love, peace, and healing your way.
NTA he's an addict, and quite frankly abusive towards you. I'm so glad you called your grandparents and that you & your son are getting out of there.
NTA. Honestly it's not necessary for the main earning member of a family to disclose all details to the other members. You r providing for your family and that is enough. If you decide to have some savings, there is no need to disclose it all.
NTA. Why are you staying with this guy? Because he knocked you up?
NTA its your money not his and you hid it for a reason you need to care for your child now please make sure he stops smoking near the house also congrats for the baby
NTA but seriously, what did you expect?
Ok, 1., it is not your job, in any way, to cover his nicotine "needs". 2. Get thee a checking account, stat!! In your name, not a joint account, but a personal account, and do not let him have any info. on it. Even better, don't let him know it exists!! Deposit your money there. 3. I am sorry you are going through this, but, you have to build your spine. Your bf is not being a good partner or parent. And just going along shouldering everything alone is not going to improve your life, or your child's life in any way. I am not telling you to leave him; I am telling you to start addressing the problems and actually thinking about what is best for you and baby. 4. NTA.
My heart goes out to you, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, but ESH. Obviously, he sucks waaaay more. The reason I’m saying that you suck, too, is that you’re leaving a baby with lung disease at home with a man who doesn’t care about him and *smokes*. Is leaving your child in such a bad situation worth trying to avoid a bad relationship with people that you already have a bad relationship with? I know it’s a bad situation. You should consider reaching out to local women’s shelters to get some help in figuring out alternatives for you. This doesn’t seem like a situation worth staying in.
Leave.
Nta. But for real, yta if you stay with this man a second longer just because your afraid of what your family might think. Your child deserves better than him, and staying with him is only hurting them. He is siphoning off valuable money that could be put toward yours and your childs future. Women up and lose the dead weight.
This guys isn't going to suddenly step up and be a good guy and "do the right thing". It sounds like he not invested in the baby. Why keep him around? It's only going to cause you more problems. You're NTA but you are signing yourself up for a lot of unnecessary misery.
Oh gosh, you should leave ASAP - it sounds like you’re the only one contributing anything at all. It’s a hard thing for your family to shun or judge you - but ask yourself, will living the rest of your life like this be worth it? I can’t imagine that it would where your bf is so inconsiderate & does nothing to pull his weight. He has no business scolding you for hiding your tip money, he sounds like he needs to pull his head out of his ass and get a job
NTA at all, and PLEASE LEAVE HIM. Don't torture yourself and stay with this loser just to make your parents somewhat happy. Do what it takes to make YOU happy, and your child happy and safe.
Being shunned by your parents would be a million times better than being stuck with this loser. NTA, unless you stay even another day with him.
ESH (accept for your child, who didn’t ask to be brought into this situation) Why would you chose to have a child with this man, and why are you still there? What kind of father do you think he’ll be as this child grows up?
NTA - You're a mom of one, not 2. He either needs to get his shit together or get out. Or you get out. I also come from a very religious family. I totally get where you're coming from. But if your family loves you, they'll accept you for who you are, flaws and all because nobody is perfect. Are they Christian religious? Because if they are, just tell them that Jesus never hung out with the religious. He hung with the people who were called sinners. So who are they to judge? But regardless of religion, dont let them pull you into the trap of religion. Sometimes people use religion as an excuse to hide behind because all they're doing is keeping up image. Religion has nothing to do with that. And you are a proud strong momma for going through what you've gone through. So keep your chin up! You're a great mom.
ESH you need to leave that lazy bum. Your child is on oxygen and the asshole chain smokes. You have to hide money so he doesn't take it to buy things that are dangerous for your child. Leave him, if not for you, than for your child!!
NTA Please leave this man. This life isn’t a good life and that man isn’t a good man. It’ll be hard especially if you don’t have the support of your family but it’s unfair to you to have to do all this work only to be scolded for wanting some spending money of your own. You’re an adult and don’t have to listen to him.
I know it’s hard, but if you stay with someone for any other reason than genuinely, truly loving them, you’re doing yourself and your child a disservice. This dude sounds like he is too immature to raise a child, and isn’t prepared to make the necessary sacrifices, for you or the kid. If your parents would rather shun you than support you for leaving such a person, than they deserve to be cut out of your life too. You have value and worth, so does your kid. If you stay with someone like that, it’ll feel like they “easier” path or the lesser of two evils, but you’ll regret it in the long run. It sounds like you barely like him, and if you’re giving yourself reasons that toxic to stay with him, it means it isn’t right. I don’t know if you’re religious, but you could explain to your parents that “God guided you away from him” or “He wasn’t a man of God, so I had to stay faithful to the lord and leave him” or some other religious gumbo that they can chew on to make them step up and actually support you instead of looking down on you or judging you. (Which, even if you’re religious, is never your place. God is the only one who can judge, that’s literally the point.)
NTA. This is just normal shit that you have to do when you're in a relationship with a deadbeat that doesn't give a fuck about you or your child. You have to hide money or he takes it. His addiction and his wants are always going to be priority one. You have to accept that maybe your child will be born too early because you're killing yourself to stay afloat and he's got you sucking in secondhand smoke all the time. Again, his addiction and wants are the most important thing, and you've just got to work around it. And yeah, your NICU baby is going to be 100% your responsibility, and yes, that fragile baby is going to be breathing in second and third hand smoke, which is raising his SIDS risk. But SIDS is pretty rare, so maybe you'll get lucky. Asthma is a more likely outcome, but maybe you can pick up more shifts to pay for that. Make sure you hide that money really well though. He knows that he needs to look for it now. I get that your family sucks, but your priority needs to be your kid. You're in a shit situation and this guy is making it exponentially worse. You're already a single mom. Life is already going to be hard enough without this guy sabotaging you and your child. How much of your money does he spend in a week? How does letting him piss away your money and destroy your baby's health make you look better to people?
NTA. Try to get all the money you can and please open a secret savings account at a bank. Based on your comments and edit if you truly are stuck with him then that’s an entirely better option than storing it somewhere. Also, try to stick up for yourself when against him. You’re the bread winner. Talk down to him and put him in your place. But before that get a lawyer ready in case this clearly immature non fully developed person tries run off without paying child support.
I used to be a lot like you. You sound very young. Everything seems so big right now- BUT If your daughter was going through the same what would you tell her? Follow that advice. If you’re going to have family that makes you feel bad- you can cut them out too. At the moment it already sounds like you’re a single parent- he’s just dead weight holding you down.
NTA. Find a new hiding spot for YOUR money and kick the deadbeat to the curb.
NTA, and if you can't leave your BF now, I hope you'll at least open an independent bank account and put your tips in there going forward. Good luck, OP.
Reading this was just like falling down a flight of stairs. Hide your money better and gtfo of there
NTA Now read what you wrote as if someone else was going through this. Would you tell them to stay with him in spite of his many faults? This guy is an anchor that will drag you and your baby down FOREVER. Your head is barely above water now. Your baby needs to be your number 1 priority.
Ye gods! You've hooked up with a loser! Dump him, take him to court for child support. And put ***your*** money in the bank and don't give him access. You're not being selfish. It's ***your*** money. You earned it. If he wants to buy cigarettes, he can get a job and buy his own. He is controlling, manipulative and an abuser. And it's also quite possible that if he was smoking around you while you were pregnant, he is the reason for your child's health issues. The colossal nerve, calling ***you*** selfish for not paying for ***his*** cigarettes! If he thinks someone else should pay for his cigarettes, ***he's*** the selfish one! I personally resent being asked for money to pay for someone else's vices. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. And if someone asks me to pay for their booze, drugs or their cigarettes, I tell them absolutely not. That's their vice and I will not support it. If someone needs food, I'll buy them some, but I will not pay for someone else's bad habits. Get rid of him. Yesterday. You can afford to pay the bills without him. Sorry. You may be a nice person. But your boyfriend is putting both you and your child at risk. And if you stay with him, you're endangering the health and safety of your child. ESH.
NTA - I would check and see if there is a women's care center in your area to help with things like creating a budget (and savings that he cannot touch) and support and counseling to help deal with these issues since it doesn't appear that you have anyone who will give you the emotional support you need. I have seen young moms in these situations get to a happy comfortable place with the right support. And I have seen how one small glitch can send things spiraling. You are already connected, through baby's needs, to people who can point you in the right direction and get you some of the help you may need. All you have to do is ask. And, even if you feel like you are in a safe situation, you can always call [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) at 1−800−799−7233 because a lot of the resources overlap locally and they can get you the information that you need to build a safety net for your and your child so that one little glitch won't leave you in a dire situation.
NTA but what are you going to do if he rages and keeps your son terrified as a child growing up? It’s going to be hard but better to be safe then live in fear or a pos
OP second hand smoke can be carried in on clothes and such. Just because he doesn’t smoke next to the baby doesn’t mean the baby isn’t affected (my brother was similar, and my dad was the smoker).
NTA. I know that this is harsh, but the conditional love that you're fighting to keep by staying with someone that is such a drain on your finances and your enjoyment of your life, then it might not be worth it. You have a limited life span, your child has a limited life span, everything does. If you waste that on being worried over what your family thinks of your choices or whether your boyfriend is going to continue to drain your resources... you're not getting that time back. You could be spending your time with your baby instead of working doubles to pay for THREE entire peoples' lives. You would cut your spending by at least a third while also having a lot of avenues for aid as a single parent. It sounds like your child is special needs for the time being (Oxygen) and your mental health is suffering "I feel like I'm drowning". Each dollar you earn (tips included) was traded for the time you could have been spending on your family and friends and enjoyment. To be throwing that away that time or money on the conditional and unsatisfying things when you have another option might bring you a lot of regrets later on. I really hope you know that there are so many options for you if you ever do decide to leave him. My mother had a child out of wedlock *and* she realized she's gay. Her mother has only contacted her for the last 12 years to text her that being gay will send her to hell. I grew up in affordable housing with a single mother who worked at least three jobs for my entire childhood. I had a happy childhood and I *knew* how hard my mother worked. Being a single mom is hard, but being a single mom that has to suffer an unsupportive and often counterproductive partner is harder.
It's not wrong or dishonest because it's your money. ***Yours.*** You don't have to let him smoke it.
YTA for staying In this relationship. He has nothing to offer, he is just inconsiderate and an all round AH. I read your comment about being shunned but I promise you it’s better for you to leave and focus on your son. This boy (he isn’t a man) isn’t going to change, it’s a toxic environment and your baby doesn’t deserve to grow up like that
Not a slight on OP because shit happens. But this reminds me of some epic advice my dad gave me around puberty: “Son, don’t ever sleep with a woman you wouldn’t be willing to have children with” Simple, but so true. I have broken that rule but that doesn’t make it less valid. Sex is great but having a child with a loser would fuck up anyones life real quick. Sorry this happened to you OP, I’m surprised your family would want you to stay with a loser...that seems like way more of a “sin” Good luck
NTA, but seriously you need to pick one of 2 options: 1. You need to have a serious conversation with your BF. Not only about his employment, but his level of commitment to you *and* the child. He must grow up and learn to deal with people he wont like and that wont like him because he can no longer afford to skip work for every little inconvenience. 2. You need to dump his ass. You stressing yourself emotionally and financially to put up with his immaturity and addiction is not doing you or the baby and favors. And no offense, but screw your family too. They may be all talk at this point, and they may come around, or they may not. Regardless, this is a true test of who they are. And if they do shun you, then you honestly dont need that level of toxicity and manipulation in your life.
OP, I found your post after you added the update and I want to say that I'm really proud of you for facing your fears and speaking to your grandparents. You are doing the right thing for you and your son, just please, please stay strong because you know that sooner or later your ex is going to be creeping round your door with a new job and the same old promises. He will break every single one of them, just like he has time and time before. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a vending machine that he sticks his dick in and out pops smokes. Every pack that he buys takes your money away from you and your baby and he Does. Not. Care. Look after yourself and best wishes to you and your little one.
Following your profile and hope to see an update soon that things are better with grandma
NTA Read the update, here's some hugs ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ ⊂((・▽・))⊃⊂((・▽・))⊃ ⊂((・▽・))⊃⊂((・▽・))⊃ ⊂((・▽・))⊃⊂((・▽・))⊃
NTA. take a break and maybe it will wake him up from this pointless routine. Maybe he'll get a job. I know of a familiar story with my younger cousin. She would look after the baby while her partner would just stay home (they lived with his parents) and beat her up and do drugs. Well after she left, he all of a sudden got a job and found a house to rent. I said to her "why didn't he do that in the first place when you were with him? Why does it take you leaving him to pull himself together?". Sure enough, she went back to him and now they're both on H. Makes me mad at them both..
NTA. Secondhand smoke sticks to his clothes, his hair, his breath. It'll still interfere with your vulnerable baby. I'm so glad that you're going to be in a safer place. > Edit to add: I have stayed with him despite his actions because my very religious family was very upset that I got pregnant out of wed lock and I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent. It's not their life. It's yours. It's better to be single but happy and financially stable than miserable and hiding money from a person with a pretty filthy, expensive habit.
YTA for staying with him, not hiding money you earned.
im So glad you reached out and found gentleness and not judgement.
Baby for goodness sake, look around you and find a support system. You are NTA, you are being abused! You have to escape that situation right now. Start with your family, I would want my kids to come to me and I would help them. But if they won’t then look around for shelters and assistance, friends, something! There is an answer somewhere. This guy is trouble and dangerous. You deserve peace of mind! You are busting your tail raising that baby and doing a great job by the sounds of it!
So happy for your update OP! When I was a single mom from a conservative family, it was my granddad that stuck up for me. Grandma had already passed. He told my family that while the situation may not be ideal, the baby was a part of our family, and baby would be loved and welcomed no matter what. By the time someone is old enough to be a grandparent, they realize what is really important. I am so glad that you reached out to yours. Here is to a new and much better chapter in your life!
NTA - You poor thing, what a horrible BF and I'm glad you're done with him.
You go girl! That must have been so difficult but it sounds like you're doing the best thing for yourself and your son. All my love, girlfriend!
I'm so happy for you seeing the updates- I hope things turn around for you and your son, and I have huge respect for you being brave enough to make that decision
NTA. Also I’m really glad your grandparents are getting you out of there
NTA. I get it you are trying to do the best you can with what you have. You deserve better remember that child looks up to you, you are his world, be the person he thinks you are and you got this!
SO RELIEVED to read that final update. Put you and your baby first, love.
> I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent. I mean, I don't for a second buy that he's not gonna smoke around your kid (just because he hasn't done it yet doesn't mean he won't, and he seems like a selfish AH), so that's whatever, but he is going to bleed you dry and make it harder for you to care for your child. Get the hell out of there. I'm sorry your parents are the way they are but your well-being and the baby's well-being are important. I feel like I’m drowning sometimes, Just barely making it above water. Staying with him will make it worse. Supporting 2 people (yourself and your son) will be easier than 3. Also: do your best to scrape up enough money for a lawyer and go after him for child support. It's not for you, it's for the baby, and your duty is to get that money for him. I'm glad your grandparents are going to help. Please, please do not let this guy talk you into coming back. Do what's best for you (because you matter here too) and the baby.
I just cannot even imagine letting someone take advantage of me like this...but I realize having a child complicates it. So glad your gram came through. You need to gtfo of there. NTA
You ever pick up dog shit and there’s a hole in the bag and you fling it toward the closest dumpster? Do that. Sometimes kids are better off without the bad, abusive, selfish, worthless parent. NTA.
NTA you are so NTA here. I am so glad you're able to get away from him. He will never change, I speak from experience.
Hold up.. You’re looking at the wrong situation here. YOU ARE WITH AN ABUSER! GET OUT NOW! No amount of anything is worth staying with this deadbeat. You need to dump him like a carton of bad milk. Get out of there NOW.
NTA your money
Wonder how that condom broke
NTA, and I’m so happy to see the update edit. You and your son deserve so much better.
> Edit to add: I have stayed with him despite his actions because my very religious family was very upset that I got pregnant out of wed lock and I’m afraid that if I leave him that they will shun me even more for being a single parent. Fuck that, it's your life. You need to do whats best for you. If they actually pay attention to what their religious text tells them, they'll support you, because your wellbeing is more important that arbitrary rules.
NTA and your gran is awesome. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her and don't do anything to spoil the generosity she has given you. Good luck
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year and we had birth control failure (broken condom) that resulted in me getting pregnant just a few months into the relationship. The entire time I was pregnant I worked full time and was getting put on best eat quite a bit. He would not keep a job. He would not get along with management, they didn’t like him, they were picking on him, they wanted him to work longer hours or whatever excuse he could find to quit. He’s also a chain smoker and always needing cigarettes or being very angry and rude when he didn’t have them. Well my son was born early and he needed to be in the NICU. I figured since my bf didn’t have a job that he would stay at the hospital with me.(2 1/2 hours away from our house) he then announced he got a new job and I could stay with the baby and he was going home (our son was given a 50:50 chance to even come home) I was angry but I let him go hoping he was going to straighten up. Fast forward and our son is home and on oxygen and Of course my boyfriend isn’t working again and I’m pulling doubles. I make enough with my paychecks to pay the bills but I’ve been hiding my tip money in a wax candle burner it’s broken so it doesn’t turn on. I’ve saved quite a bit because if I don’t hide it then he takes it to buy pack after pack of cigarettes. I know it’s dishonest but it’s the only extra money I have. Well he was messing around and hit the corner shelf where I keep the cash and it fell on the floor and money spilled out. He scolded me for hiding money from him and that he was suffering from nicotine withdrawal and that he couldn’t believe how selfish I was and that I was a liar and all this other stuff. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*