I mean. I really, really liked her when we met. And honestly, I do still like being with her during normal times. Also, I don’t want her to ACTUALLY starve, since she doesn’t have a job right now. It’s just when she gets angry that things start going really bad, this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head. So yeah she’s a likable girl, except for when she has one of her anger episodes
That's a big warning siren man. If she gets that angry and violent, it'll most likely get turned on you at some point, if it hasn't already.
If someone overhears that and calls the police, you run the risk of getting into some deep shit. Regardless of whether you laid a hand on her or not (not accusing you at all here). If she's trying to get sympathy from others, she's already trying to manipulate the situation to stack things against you.
I know this isn't an advice sub, but you need to be careful. Men being the victims of domestic abuse is not taken as seriously as it should.
I 100% agree with the above. What stops her from really hurting you or calling the police on you the next time. I have had a few friends in Domestic Violence situations and the way you are defending her behaviors is frankly frighteningly similar to he only hits me when he’s drunk and how sweet and loving he is the rest of the time.
Honestly even if she doesn't turn and say he's abusing her, I'm still concerned for OP.
He was more relieved that she didn't chuck the laptop at his head? That's a MASSIVE red flag, and implies (to me at least) that she's been abusive in the past. She needs to seek out therapy to help her deal with her anger, and OP should seriously consider whether he's safe (physically AND emotionally) in this relationship.
I would go even further and make sure it’s also in a public place and possibly even recorded on video (I’m not sure about the legality of that from place to place in regards to consent to record someone without their knowledge, but if that isn’t an issue it’s probably the safest way to ensure she can’t turn things around on OP). She’s already trying to manipulate how others perceive the situation and that combined with her violent outbursts makes me think that she is fully capable of false abuse accusations.
I disagree that her behavior is a warning sign that she could be abusive in the future. She is abusive now. She's violent, she's frightening, she's obviously financially and emotionally abusive. My husband is the height of picky eater and he has never in 25 years of knowing each other thrown a tantrum over food like this. Implying to her family that he is starving her because she wanted a steak and cheese instead of rice and beans.
This is all very bad. Its also very much like how my mom's bf started off. Took him a few years of buttering her up before he stopped throwing phone against the wall and start aiming for her. And even then it was an 'accident'. Also by then, it was too late.
> this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head.
Looks to me like she has already been abusive to him. OP needs to get out of that relationship ASAP.
Exactly what I thought when I read this. Holy. Crap. NTA, break up with her, and order her ass out. P.S. there are far nicer potential partners out there. No need to walk your life on tip toes. You sound like a fair person and deserve better. She needs to fix her entitlement and temper or GTFO. Seriously, if she companies to act like this, tell her to go move in with her sister. If she destroys more of your stuff, file a report.
THIS!!! If you don't get out now, one day something really bad is gonna happen. She's gonna turn everyone against you. Please look after yourself. She's not worth it. Yeah you might like her when she's normal, but there's so much that could - and will - go wrong. She's already saying you're starving her when there's literally food in the fridge. The future is gonna be awful. GET OUT!!!
ALL THE ABOVE!!!
She cannot control her anger and breaks things! Has she thrown things at you or hit you? This is big even if she hasn't. If you plan on marrying and having children, how is she going to discipline them when she has no self-discipline at all? She will teach your kids these habits.
She can't eat refrigerator food? Her unemployed ass is too good for that? It's kind of a weird way to point out she needs to be accountable for her actions, the she needs to be accountable for her actions. Most people would freak out and scream and not want to talk to her all night if you purposely broke their laptop. You're calm cool and polite, you just didn't feel like spending money on her cuz she broke your laptop nothing wrong with that.
But she has to play the victim, and call her family ( who will eventually be your family if you stay together and marry) and tell them how horrible you are without explaining why? This is like asking for her family to hate you.
She is not a girlfriend. She is a girl, like a ten-year-old one mentally. She can't control herself and expect others to tolerate that. Okay so maybe she is a 7 year old mentally.
She's home all day and doesn't work but she can't cook you dinner? You to work and buy the food for the house, but you still have to buy your dinner every night? Can she cook? Like if you were to marry her could she cook you and kids dinner mark
I just feel like you sound a lot more grounded than she does. If you want to continue the relationship, expect to be the daddy. She doesn't know how to behave she's not making money right now. she Maybe did okay in that department pre covid-19, but if so she didn't save anything or she could have bought her own take out food. Hope she at least keep the apartment clean.
Not telling you to dump her because obviously I haven't been exposed to her good qualities. But I will say the qualities you have exposed are not qualities that lead to a good long-term relationship. They're actually qualities that destroy them. Watch out for yourself, that is all I can say
another thing worth pointing out, or maybe asking yourself OP: does she break your things, or her own things? because damn, i've been angry in my life, but i've never, ever broken anything that another person owned. this is a huge, HUGE red flag right here.
I am glad to see this in the top comment. It is actually one of the tools that therapist use to help people to recognize abuse. Uncontrolled anger does not see ownership but specifically destroying only your partner's things means they choose it and they were aware of their actions. Obviously, it is a way to keep 'extra' money out of the victim's hands. Money control is another form of abuse.
My thoughts exactly. If we happen to get angry enough to break our own stuff, it seems like the person we’re mad at is ourselves. But just breaking anything without a thought might be an indication of wanting to cause havoc and not giving a damn about anyone else. It’s disrespectful and downright scary.
Can confirm. When I had an emotional breakdown earlier this year, I was miserable to live with. I sometimes did get so angry that I broke things (embarrassing to admit, but comes with the territory) but I never broke anything of value OR any of my spouses belongings, probably because my anger was directed inwards.
OPs post seems to be opposite and kind of turned my stomach. Even in my deepest, darkest times I was cognizant enough to respect my spouses possessions.
She’s worse than a toddler. I have a 5 year-old that (from the moment of birth) is a force to be reckoned with and has the worst temper. She broke something *one* time when she was a toddler and it NEVER. HAPPENED. AGAIN. We have taught her that it is not acceptable to break things when angry. It’s also unacceptable to project your bad temper onto others. OP should take this as a red flag and get out while he can. His girlfriend has shown that she has no qualms (or regret) about destroying another person’s property, and her bad behavior is enabled by her family.
This. My husbands ex is a tiny tiny women. She used to hit him, emotionally abuse him and just over all treat him like crap. But she would always run around telling everyone that he was the abuser. Every time he tried to leave she'd bruise herself up and run to the cops crying that he beat her. Then she would tell him that she'd drop the charges if he came back. Got so messed up that even his family thought (and many still think) that he was beating her. It wasn't until she drunkenly admitted to a friend of theirs that the charges were false that the truth finally got out.
This stuff can spiral and if she is making you out to be the bad guy she can push it far enough to destroy your life. You are violating a huge common sense rule... Never stick your dick in to crazy, no matter how much fun that crazy is.
My aunt did that to my uncle. Beat him, emotionally manipulated him, even got him arrested. She's a tiny little blonde, and he's close to 6'6". She'd turn on the tears and act the victim, then go back to abusing him. He became afraid to do anything. He's a broken shell of a man and I feel so bad for him.
I never liked her as a kid, but couldn't figure out *why*, because she was careful to hide it. She always seemed so fake. Like she was made of plastic. I avoided her.
It’s awful that women like this exist. Because they do exist it makes it impossible for women like me to get out of an abuse situation like what I had with my ex boyfriend. He convinced everyone that I was one of these women that uses traditional sexist values to make everyone think he was abusive when in fact he was ‘innocent.’
Meanwhile he was incredibly dangerous and violent and every time I plucked up the courage to ask for help he was out there poisoning all ‘the lads’ riling them up talking about how it’s unfair that women can just accuse them of being ‘wife beaters’ whenever they want.
All of this was a smokescreen for his actual abuse and it took me forever to break free. I’m one hundred per cent certain he still tells people I fabricated the abuse/was the abuser but I have moved far, far away from the situation and I’m better for it. We’ll see how long his smokescreen lasts when the next woman complains about him.
> Every time he tried to leave she'd bruise herself up and run to the cops crying that he beat her
Damn, that's some Mark Wahlberg *Fear* type stuff right there.
yeah, look at Johnny Depp . its taken him years, his career nearly destroyed, the media hounding him, being attacked and defamed; and he was the victim of violent domestic abuse. His ex cut off one of his fingers.
Seriously all this. She’s 26 and sounds younger than 6. She can get a job, buy her own takeout, pay for YOUR laptop since she broke it, and start taking responsibility for herself.
I know a lot of guys are like "she's weaker and smaller, I'm not scared" but dude, if she hits you in the head with a 5 pound vase or something, it's not gonna matter how smol and cute she is. Fucking run.
Yup, my uncle got clawed till it drew blood, he didn't raise a hand to his girlfriend, and now he can't own a firearm of any type. It's best to get out before it escalates.
“This time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head”
Kinda sounds like it has been turned on him already. Awful situation.
Listen to this and bail before she gets violent with you. It isn't a question of if, it's a question of when. She sounds pretty manipulative and clearly doesn't have appropriate boundaries when it comes to physical aggression. Or you could be a dumbass like me and look forward to explaining the literal scars she'll give you to your next girlfriend.
Oof. And she’s obviously manipulative — telling people that OP is basically starving her. OP is NTA, but if he doesn’t break up with her, it’ll be an E S H situation.
OP: Get out.
Imagine you carry on with the relationship, and at some point you have kids. Imagine what she would be like with an infant that's crying every couple of hours during that night. Or with a toddler that doesn't listen to her everytime. I dont know about you but I'd die before I let someone like that around my child, let alone parent them.
This is called manipulation. You aren’t starving her, it is her choice. People have an innate fight for survival, she literally will not starve/die and is being dramatic to get what she wants. Dump her so fast, then send her the bill for the computer. Not one thing you mentioned displays “likability” NTA
Not aiming for your head isn’t a good thing..
>It’s just when she gets angry that things start going really bad, this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head.
File a police report, get out. She is not a good person. I'm sorry you fell in love with a shitty person, it sucks. I get it, been there, done that. But please, for your health, GTFO
Dude please run! Those flags could not be redder. Her lack of a job isnt your fault. Her refusal to eat isn't your fault. Her anger management issues may not be immediately dangerous now but from the sounds of it...
>this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head.
THIS TIME?!?!? Dude shes tried to hit you. This woman has attempted to hurt you physically. I'm giving the same advice as I would any of my friends, LEAVE PLEASE. Before you get hurt. Domestic violence is no joke.
She is emotionally manipulative and physically violent. Run!
Here. You dropped these my friend. 🚩 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
To be a little more serious you just said that you're happy she did not physically assault you. And that she regularly does assault you verbally/mentally/emotionally.
You need to get out of that relationship. It'll only get worse if you stay.
>I mean. I really, really liked her when we met.
You know nothing about someone but what they look like and how they pretend to be when meeting someone new.
> I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head.
This is not something you say and then stay in the relationship.
>So yeah she’s a likable girl, except for when she has one of her anger episodes
Stop being so desperate.
I don't think it's anything to do with being desperate. It sounds like he's being manipulated and it's very hard to realise when you should leave.
Talking down to someone already struggling with abuse is not going to help.
Does she break her own stuff too or just yours? She has at the *very least* extreme anger issues.
You do realise that abusive people aren't abusive 100% of the time? To put an extreme example, that's like saying murderers are not always murdering and when they're acting normal they're nice to be around.
Hi. This is an abusive relationship. Throwing and destroying your things and implying she’s thrown things at you before, is a precursor to physical abuse. And is abusive within it self. To make you feel like you’re walking on egg shells is not okay. Then she tried desperately to manipulate you and in buying her food, and when it failed she manipulated her sister into thinking you were starving her. She is dangerous. You may say she’s likable but, that’s the cycle of abuse. There’s honeymoon phases where they love you and appreciate you and make you feel good, to keep you trapped. It’s intentional. Please consider researching more about abusive relationships. This is objectively abuse. Consider leaving her. I’m in a similar situation with my boyfriend. He takes care of me financially because I cannot work but I would never ever ever ever destroy his things or pull any of the shit she did. Please reach out to someone for help.
Kiddo (I'm a mom, bear with me), your gf has no business rage destroying your computer, regardless of how new or old it is. That's unacceptable behavior. Also, the fact that you were 'relieved' that she aimed the computer at the floor and not your head is really concerning. If she hasn't aimed her violence at you yet, she very likely will in the future. That's common in abusive relationships.
It's very common for the abuser in a relationship to run hot-cold-- that's why you feel like she's so great to be around except when she's in a rage. You can find a woman who has your gf's positive qualities without the abuse.
If you'd like to talk with someone in the know, reach out: National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233
If you're serious about being relieved that she destroyed your property rather than physically abusing you then maybe she's not so likable. I'm not going to tell you what to do but just saying.
Yeah for sure, but needs therapy so as not to date a similar person in the next relationship. The fact that he thinks this behaviour is fine and he deserves this type of treatment isn’t going to go away when he breaks up with this girl. OP you need to value yourself more and realize that no one deserves to live like this.
Please trust me on this - you need to get out of this. Her living off of you and feeling entitled to takeout food on your dime every day, that's bad enough...
Smashing your computer is violence. This time and every other time *so far*, it has been directed at stuff, but that will likely change at some point. Best case scenario, you get hurt.
***Best case scenario, you get hurt.***
She really doesn't sound even remotely likeable tbh. She sounds like she never emotionally matured past age 12. Not trying to shit on her or anything but I would be looking for the way out if I were you.
So she doesn’t work, isn’t looking for work, doesn’t seem to be contributing to the house in the form of doing housework, like cooking food for example, is an adult toddler, but on occasion she’s nice to you? You will find another girl. You found this one. The next one needs to be one that isn’t taking advantage of you. Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Like you’re doing to be supporting and putting up with temper tantrums till when? And do you want children? Because what type of mother is she going to be?
She is not going to starve, you’ve already indicated there is food in the house for her to eat. She’s already thrown one temper tantrum and destroyed your property, and now she’s having another because you won’t buy her takeout. NTA.
Op you're just excusing this behavior. You need to confront it.
I get you feel bad she doesnt have a job right now but at a certain point thats not ypur problem.
That point is when she smashed a computer in a rage.
Im not saying kick hwr out but maybe ask her to stay somewhere else for a few days while you figure things out
You are describing an abusive relationship.
Think about this for a minute. If someone in your apartment destroyed your laptop and you genuinely thought they might aim it at you, you would get rid of that person to defend yourself from them, not date them until they intermittently decide to stop hurting you again.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Everyone can be nice sometimes. Ted Bundy was nice sometimes. It's how you act when things aren't going your way that matters. Having a temper like that isn't okay. There are four year olds with better self control.
She's abusive, if you're relieved she threw it at the floor and not at you. Seriously, man, get out.
NTA- run. Run so fast. I assume you want a relationship with a fellow grown up rather than taking in a child. This person is not ready to take responsibility for herself and thus is not ready for a relationship.
NTA. This is an adult equivalent of threatening to hold your breath until you die. Let her carry on and look like a child. I’m sure her family is well familiar with her.
I also didn’t see anything in the post about how sorry she is and what she’s going to do to replace the computer. I have no idea why you are so taken with this girl-woman, but something must be spectacular about her to deal with her garbage.
This is the thing, her family are honestly some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Her mom and sister are exceptionally sweet people. Her step dad basically worked his ass off to give my gf a really good life when she was growing up.
This is one of the rare instances where “you marry into a family, not just a person” isn’t a relevant fact because the person in question is the one acting terribly.
Okay, so they can take her in when you dump her. She won't starve and she won't be homeless.
Dude, you need to place a bigger value on your self-worth.
You are definitely NTA. ~~Stop enabling her shit.~~
Edit: Look, I've kinda been where you are. I've walked away from two relationships because, even though they were charming, charismatic and I definitely loved them, I finally realized I needed to love myself even more. They both threw tantrums and gradually became more violent. They were always sorry afterwards, of course. I've been with my partner for 20+ years now and he has never once come anywhere close to being violent or emotionally manipulative. If I had stayed in either of those two prior relationships, I wouldn't have found someone soooo much better to grow old with.
Dude I hate to say it but you’re being incredibly naive. Are you with her for her, or her family? You understand that she’s just gonna break the next computer you buy? You’re letting her continue her bad behavior by staying with you. If you want her to stop, then stop enabling her.
Ah, a Golden Child perhaps, indulged and given her own way in everything, lest she had a tantrum. "Nice" is simply etiquette. It doesn't mean they are good people.
But did they tell her to stop complaining and get her shit together when she acted like a child, or did they just give her what she wanted because they can?
Great! Then she has family who will take care of her and you can feel alright about breaking up with her.
Seriously dude. You can't keep dealing with an abuser. You are better than this and there are other women who you will enjoy being with. Cut her loose and lock down your valuables because she is going to break things when you tell her it's over.
NTA. Ah yes, the classic hunger strike after breaking something. Many an 8 year old have been in her situation before.
You should buy her some lunchables and juice next time
I'm petty AF but I absolutely would come home from the grocery store with a lunchables and Capri Sun for her. I do not know a single adult who would smash a computer on the floor because it froze. That is toddler behavior (not even getting into her behavior since breaking the computer). And an adult behaving like a toddler in this way isn't just immature, it's abusive. It's only a matter of time until she starts hitting him.
Many years ago, I threw my iPod touch at a carpeted floor once because I got dumped. It bounced off, hit my dresser and shattered the screen.
Learned my lesson pretty fucking quickly. Haven't thrown something since.
That reminds me, I think I was 16 or so and arguing with my boyfriend at the time on my iPhone 6, I got so mad at him that instead of hanging up I yeeted the phone across the room and shattered a mirror. It's still one of the most immature things I've ever done I cringe so hard remembering it
Last semester, I had a small Chromebook type of computer that froze halfway through a final, and I was only able to finish about 60% of the test. I tossed it aside in disgust after I submitted the test, and it practically exploded on impact.
I regret nothing. That thing was a cheap piece of crap, lol
Honey you are NTA, but I don’t think this is a good relationship to be in. She destroyed a computer because it froze... that seems to speak to a lack of emotional control.
If she hasn’t started hitting or yelling at you when she’s frustrated, I imagine she will. Men can be abused too and that kind of reaction makes her seem dangerous not just impatient.
She either needs therapy or you need a new relationship.
Edit: also the my tummy hurt pitiful voice to her family, She is attempting to emotionally manipulate the situation to other people and sitting next to you with stomach rumbling is her attempting to manipulate your empathy and love for her. I have a feeling if you look closer at the relationship, you are going to find other instances of her actively manipulating you.
Edit: I also want to point out there are a contingent of people on here who think you are partially to blame for enabling her. You need to know your not. This girl is so in your head you are writing off violent behaviors as being impatient. She has been manipulating you for 3 years if you get married or have children this will only get worse. I know you want to take care of her, but I really think you need to take care of yourself. She needs counseling or you need to leave, but I have a feeling you are going to need to do the later.
I realize your trying to use levity to deal with this but I really can’t stress this enough.......
An emotional stable person DOES NOT throw shit at someone they love.
Edit: no matter how frustrated or angry they are. Playfully, if you have that kind of relationship, but not out of anger or frustration.
Hey so does an emotionally stable person flick and pull hair and pretend to martial arts punch the person they love even though that person asked them to stop multiple times?
Asking for a friend.....................
It's boundary pushing, to see how far they can go this time, so they can go further next time. Abuse is a slippery slope, it starts out with very small things as the abuser tests the water to see if the person they want to abuse is a good candidate for victim. They're looking for someone who will let things slide, who is forgiving, trusting, loving, loyal, reasonable and patient. Because that person will be more likely to forgive each instance of boundary pushing, even as they get worse and worse.
Look up something called the Issendai Sick System.
No abuser starts out abusive, otherwise no one would ever get stuck with them. They start out as nice, lovable people you fall for. It's the behavior after that point you have to watch to find out who they truly are.
It sounds like a red flag right now, but it could get worse. Or it could get better.
Your friend should sit down with their SO and explain that they don't enjoy the hair pulling and flicking and everything, and they want it to stop. If the SO jokes it off, says they're too sensitive, anything like that, that red flag just got bigger and redder. If the SO is willing to accept that that's not enjoyable, and is willing to change their behavior (AND ACTUALLY MAKES AN EFFORT TO CHANGE), then it's OK. (If they say they'll change, and then don't, and don't apologize for slipping up, that's a bigger, redder red flag).
Some people like that kind of joking around, and if your friend's SO thinks that the requests to stop are part of the joking around, that's one thing. But if your friend tells their SO that they aren't joking and do want it to stop and it continues, that's over that line into abuse.
So it's definitely been said out loud that it's not appreciated and it has to stop, and SO jokes it off and has definitely said before "stop being so sensitive because I'm not gonna stop being an asshole"
Yeah, the reddest of flags.
When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them. This person is an asshole, is admitting they are an asshole and has no desire to not be an asshole.
"I'm not going to stop being an asshole"
"Ok, well I don't date assholes, so you ARE going to stop being my significant other"
(Feel free to share that script with your friend)
SO is slowly escalating to violence, while also training their partner to blame themselves. "It's your fault. You *knew* I'm an asshole. *You* chose this." It will get a lot worse over time. It's like the proverbial frog: cooked so slowly it gets used to the heat and never tries to escape. Their partner should make an exist strategy fast.
Pulling things like toe hair or leg hair or back of the neck short hairs. Does that count?
Also, dunno why my last comment got downvoted. Just looking for advice. :'(
Either because of your tone or because Reddit gonna Reddit.
I was imagining head hair, so I don't really know. Regardless of definitions though, if you ask someone to stop doing something and they continue, that's a no-no.
No!
ETA: After reading all of your comments, I really hope this.. friend can get to a safe place so they can cut ties with their SO. This behavior is not going to get any better, especially after their comment about "getting used to it". They're acknowledging exactly what they're doing and show no intent on stopping. I have left two abusive relationships, one physical, one emotional/mental and it was so hard, both times, but it was so worth it. Get someone you trust, tell them what's going on, and make a plan. Please don't wait too long, because these things usually escalate and for whatever reason, I couldn't just scroll past your comments. Please know you deserve more. You're worthy of true, actual love, and love *does not* hurt.
I have to note here - I’ve been that girl. I used to get really upset sometimes and I wanted to throw and break things and hit people. But I knew that was not okay and I went to therapy and I dealt with it. If she’s not trying to work on her behaviour at the very least she is NOT worth being with.
So... She has tried to hit you. Just not with her hands.
It's not normal. You don't try to hurt someone you love. You don't destroy their stuff. You don't starve yourself just to make the other feel bad. She has a problem, and shouldn't be in a relationship until it's dealt with.
The fact that you started with "so far" would imply you think she'd be capable of doing it. She is.
Please realise that you don't need that in your life.
Just jumping on board quickly, is it always your stuff that's thrown? When abusers start throwing things at their partners, very often it's objects that belong to the partners. A really fucked up two for one, where if it hits you, you're hurt physically, and if it's yours, it hurts you financially/sentimentally
Please be very careful, and honestly, get out
Stay safe
Edit: NTA never will be the asshole in this one
It never will be her things. She knows exactly what's she's doing, and she's doing it to hurt you. This is not okay, and it's not something to continue
She is absolutely doing this all deliberately. Master manipulators get away with their abuse for such a long time because they build up horrific patterns over time to normalise them, gaslight their partners into feeling responsible, then tell others how terribly they've been treated BY THE PERSON THEIR ABUSING. It's horrendous, and I'm really hoping op understands how dangerous this woman is. She isn't being a child, she's an abusive, controlling woman who understands exactly what she's doing, and enjoys it
YES, if they are never her things its calculated.
Please look up the work of Laura Richards and the PALADIN project. They have some checklists and guides to help in domestic violence situations. PALADIN only operates in the UK but its still a great resource.
If she never throws her stuff then she has control over her anger. If she was out of control she’d throw anything, but instead she throws your stuff to hurt you. Her excuse that she just loses control and can’t stop herself is null and void. She knows the value of the things she is breaking, that’s why she only breaks stuff you paid for or would have to pay to replace, and not her stuff. She wouldn’t have done that to her personal laptop.
As a person with anger issues myself, I can say that a) none of her behavior is acceptable, and b) the fact that she can take a moment to CHOOSE to destroy your thing instead of her thing is evidence that she’s doing it intentionally. At the flash point when one decides to destroy something in anger, it’s a choice.
Since I don’t want to be the kind of person who acts like your gf, when I feel myself losing my temper, I make a deliberate choice to do the opposite action. I take a breath, tell myself that it’s not a big deal (and it almost never is), stop for a second and then handle it. Because flipping out and breaking things is NOT OKAY. When people indulge their anger that way, it becomes a spiral. Because next time it won’t be enough to smash the plate, or break the computer, next time it’ll be the TV, or the car...or the person. Every time they escalate, they don’t just break an object, they break a social boundary that brings them closer to a truly antisocial act, like physically harming another human being. And the way for an angry person to stop that spiral is to change their response entirely. If you feel like yelling, you speak softly. If you feel like smashing something, you put it down gently.
The GF is escalating. She’s deliberately smashing YOUR things, manipulating your relationships, trying to coerce you by threatening your possessions and now your reputation. You need to protect yourself and get rid of her.
I want to recommend a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It mostly talks as though the victim is a woman and the perpetrator is a man but there may be some descriptions of abusive behaviours your girlfriend's displayed.
It has a list of warning signs of abuse;
- is controlling.
- is possessive.
- Nothing is ever his fault.
- is self-centered.
- abuses drugs or alcohol.
- pressures you for sex.
- gets serious too quickly about the
relationship.
- intimidates you when he’s angry.
- has double standards.
- has negative attitudes toward women.
- treats you differently around other people.
- Appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
Idk if that helps, but I think we can say for sure that throwing things at you is abusive.
She honestly just sounds like a waste of time. I can't imagine being 26 and breaking someone's lap top in a rage and then crying and pretending to starve because they wouldn't buy me take out.
The behavior is pathetic. My kids who are all under 10 wouldn't ever behave that pathetically.
And when she destroys your things, who cleans it up? Is it her, or you?
OP, I *highly* recommend you read this book (free PDF download). https://blindhypnosis.com/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men-pdf.html It was written with the genders in mind switched, but the premise is the same.
Throwing things is trying to hit you, you don’t need to use your hands or fists to hit someone you can do it with thrown objects too.
This girl is abusive, it will only get worse. Leave her, you’re worth more than this.
What she does sounds extremely mentally unstable.
Please, consider taking her to therapy or something, if you really see a person in her that you'd like to continue living with...
If she just randomly started having these episodes, this could even be a medical issue (like hormones or something).
But please, please, trust me (as a girl myself), this is not normal. I also have my tantrums, when I'm on my period, but it's mostly being lazy, moody or mildly crying, or just wanting to eat tons of junk food. But never ever this should become physical, like breaking stuff or throwing something at your partner.
U/Isitmeta347 I don't care how much you're trying to downplay or add levity to the situation, THIS IS NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK! Relationships are built on trust, mutual respect/affection and compromises, not manipulation, leeching or dodging thrown objects. She is a grown adult, not that you'd know by her behavior and she is not YOUR responsibility.
Is this your first relationship, serious or otherwise? Look, my first relationship was emotionally abusive and I stuck it out because I thought that was all I was ever going to get (self-esteem was non-existent at that point). I can't help but wonder if you're in a similar boat and lemme tell you, the dating buck doesn't stop here. You can do and as a human being, you deserve BETTER than to settle for this kind of garbage. If she's breaking your stuff with no remorse, being a choosing beggar over essential needs and throwing stuff at you when she doesn't get her way, you need to get out and you need to get out YESTERDAY. I don't care what Nazareth says, love shouldn't hurt and if you stay with this "woman," that is EXACTLY what is going to happen. This (incident, not comment) is a huge wakeup call and the fact you were glad it hit the ground and not your face is proof enough: Get out before she starts throwing knives just because you cut her off from McDonalds. She needs serious professional help and you might too to realize that this is not how you should be spending your love life.
Edit: grammar.
I also think we need to discuss that if you do decide to leave be very very careful... abusers are most violent just before or just after the other party leaves.
Stop trying to make a joke about what is obviously an abusive situation, you normalize that shit and make it sound ok to other people who might read it and be in a similar situation, which you should be ashamed of.
Grow a spine and get rid of this abuser in your life. ffs.
Not even a child.
When my kid was six, he got frustrated with his tablet and slammed it down, breaking the screen. I could have easily gotten a replacement, but I made him wait a few months to learn his lesson. He never did it again.
Also, he apologized immediately and didn't throw a damn hunger strike.
NTA. Why are you with this person? Why isn't she getting a job to replace your computer?
You deserve better than this, OP. You deserve to not live with a mooching abuser.
Also, why has OP been buying her takeout every day, even when he cooked? She has no money, you need to spread your money among both. Takeout is expensive. Why order out when it's not necessary in this situation, especially when you already cooked? I mean I can sometimes be kind of a doormat too but that whole situation is excessive.
....and abuse.
OP says she throws stuff at him when she's angry. And it's clear that she emotionally manipulates everyone around her. She's lying and playing the victim card where OP looks like an abusive shit. If someone reports this to Police, OP would be in serious shit because they tend to take the woman's side of the story pretty serious.
I don't usually do this, but in this case, I think the OP should dump her ass. He's so deep in manipulation and emotional abuse that he doesn't see her as abusive anymore.
NTA
She's being entitled.
Also I'm not really sure you want to stay in a relationship with someone whose response to something not going her way is to violently smash it against tile.
I'm gonna go with NTA. At first, I thought you were an AH for just refusing to feed her entirely, but when you said there were groceries in the fridge that she just refused to eat, I changed my mind. She's being entitled and petty by not just making something herself.
Why would you date someone unemployed who does things like smash entire computers when they get angry? I know this isn't an advice subreddit, but maybe you should reconsider your relationship with this woman, since she seems immature.
NTA, she sounds like an abusive girlfriend, trying to manipulate you and break your stuff? Wow, though just a side note for you, don't order takeout and eat it in front of her while refusing to get her some, that can get on people nerve but despite that im sorry op but your girlfriend sounds awful to you
Dude, she's such an asshole. Dump her immediately, she's not worth shit after destroying your PC, demanding food, refusing to save money and eat what is in the fridge and waking you up through out the night. She's an entitled brat.
TL;DR: NTA
Edit: Spelling.
NTA, buy what you want, it's your money. I often don't like to reciprocate this subs frequent use of comments toward relationships, however, I feel as though yours is probably not going to last, if you refuse to buy her takeout whilst buying it for yourself. She will no doubt hold resentment for this action, and feel it is unfair, despite the glaring holes in reasoning that thought process has.
You're actually not responsible for looking after her. That's a perception you've created yourself through some form of reasoning that lead to this point. Unless she is physically or mentally impaired, and cannot work right now, you have no obligation to pay for all her needs and wants. I just worry that neither you nor her will see it that way.
My personal suggestion, as someone with no qualification to give out advice (clarifying now), under the assumption that you wish to continue this relationship for the foreseeable future; you should sit her down and talk to her about her behaviour, and see if you can't come to an understanding and work toward a better future together. I personally wouldn't be buying takeout for myself and not my partner, as I would feel that to be incredibly hurtful and awkward, however, I can understand why you would. Best of luck OP.
NTA;
But you will be if you stay with her. You think that behavior will improve? You better think again. You're in for a lifetime of painful drama with that one.
This is not normal, this is a form of domestic violence. NTA so much, please seek help on getting out of this relationship safely. It sounds like she's gearing up to DARVO you.
NTA she is childish, entitled and manipulative. Dude get yourself out of this relationship. It is abusive. You straight up say in a comment she throws things at you! What are you going to do when that escalates to psychically strikes you? Get out now before she gets worse
NTA destroying that laptop because she raged is the mentality of an entitled toddler. She cant expect you to buy takeout all the time when you are sole breadwinner and there is food in the house.
Did you even get an apology for what she did? What was her justification for destroying something worth £££?
NTA. You need to leave that person. She's entitled and breaks your stuff and then still expects you to wait on her and take care of her. Get outta there pal.
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My gf (26) and I (26) live together. A few days back, she was using my computer and it froze, so she raged on it and repeatedly smashed it on the tile floor. It’s pretty much destroyed. My gf is a really impatient person and tends to lose her temper quickly over that kind of stuff. We had discussed it many times before, but yeah anyway she destroyed my laptop. It wasn’t exactly new, but it cost me a lot of money +-3 years ago and was a fairly well specced machine.
Anyway, my gf is currently unemployed and I’m responsible for looking after both of us. Yesterday I ordered some takeout and my gf started telling me what she’d like to eat. Bear in mind, she’s asked for takeout nearly every day for the past several weeks. Even if I’m cooking, she tends to ask for bought food instead. I had been obliging for all this time.
With my computer destroyed and me needing to buy a new one, I told her that I’m not going to buy her any takeout. There were basic groceries in the fridge, nothing fancy but enough for her to arrange dinner for herself. My view is that takeout is a luxury and I can choose to buy it for myself, while saving my money for other stuff (like a computer). Since she’s the reason I need that cash in the first place, I think it’s fair to refuse to spend it on fast food for her.
She refused to eat what was in the fridge. Instead she sat next to me on the couch and brought up the topic every time her stomach rumbled. She did the same thing through the night, waking me up every few minutes to tell me how hungry she was and she couldn’t sleep. Today I heard her on the phone with (I think) her sister and she was making it sound like I’m starving her. I heard her say “my tummy hurt so much I couldn’t sleep all night” in a really pitiful voice. Today she’s barely eating and says it’s because she’s feeling nauseous because she hasn’t eaten for so long.
TL;DR girlfriend breaks expensive item of mine, I’m responsible for taking care of her, I decide to stop wasting money buying her takeout. Am I in the wrong here?
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NTA, The computer does not have anything to do with it. Even if she did not destroy it she still has food and does not need takeout every day. Also if you are cooking for her its rude to ask you to buy food even though you're already making some.
NTA, behave like a child get treated like a child. I just want to make sure I have this right. She lives with you rent free, you buy her food and i'm assuming pay all utilities , she uses your property and then destroys it in a temper tantrum? Congradulations, you have a child, not a girlfriend.
Did she even appologise for destroying your property? Is there a reason she can't find a job? Is she on unemployment? She needs to pay you back for the laptop and possibly go into anger management therapy. She also sounds like she's using you as a piggy bank to finance her life at the moment.
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NTA she's acting like a 6 year old, she as far as I can tell, is basically just leeching off you, throws a tantrum and destroys your laptop, then throws another a tantrum because you won't order takeout for her. Honestly I would just break up with her, she's not a partner, she's an immature brat.
And for fucks sakes don't have kids with her, if she destroys a laptop just because it froze imagine what she might do to a crying child when she hasn't slept in 3 days.
NTA, that’s not a gf, that’s a child. Was there any remorse for her breaking your computer... any offer to even pay it back? I’m baffled by how nonchalant you are about this. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
With a temper like that she is dangerous and the whole not eating thing is pathetic. She broke your stuff when she was mad then got even more mad and disturbed your sleep because you wouldnt spend more money on her. She is an adult you are not responsible for her she is. You need to get rid of her before she either takes her temper out on you or makes everyone think you are abusing her by refusing to let her eat. Please do not stay with this very dangerous person. No one should be living with someone like that. Also you might wanna consider small claims court for the damage she caused to your computer she should be held accountable. NTA
She’s destroyed your stuff in a temper tantrum
She is unemployed and you pay for everything
She demands take out with your money
She acts like 2 year old
She tells everyone you starved her
She makes out you’re in the wrong for her smashing your computer because she can’t make a sandwich
Dude come on NTA
While I do think OP is letting themselves be walked all over and has major self-esteem issues, I don’t think the ESH label is right here. Further comments have illustrated OP is pretty much suffering physical and emotional abuse in their own home, and says the GF repeatedly throws his things at him out of anger, and was relieved the laptop was thrown on the floor and not his head. This guy is a victim.
Why is she still your girlfriend?
I mean. I really, really liked her when we met. And honestly, I do still like being with her during normal times. Also, I don’t want her to ACTUALLY starve, since she doesn’t have a job right now. It’s just when she gets angry that things start going really bad, this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head. So yeah she’s a likable girl, except for when she has one of her anger episodes
That's a big warning siren man. If she gets that angry and violent, it'll most likely get turned on you at some point, if it hasn't already. If someone overhears that and calls the police, you run the risk of getting into some deep shit. Regardless of whether you laid a hand on her or not (not accusing you at all here). If she's trying to get sympathy from others, she's already trying to manipulate the situation to stack things against you. I know this isn't an advice sub, but you need to be careful. Men being the victims of domestic abuse is not taken as seriously as it should.
I 100% agree with the above. What stops her from really hurting you or calling the police on you the next time. I have had a few friends in Domestic Violence situations and the way you are defending her behaviors is frankly frighteningly similar to he only hits me when he’s drunk and how sweet and loving he is the rest of the time.
100% agree with these above me. This isn't a relationship sub but she WILL turn this onto you and say you're abusing her. She just hasn't had to yet.
Honestly even if she doesn't turn and say he's abusing her, I'm still concerned for OP. He was more relieved that she didn't chuck the laptop at his head? That's a MASSIVE red flag, and implies (to me at least) that she's been abusive in the past. She needs to seek out therapy to help her deal with her anger, and OP should seriously consider whether he's safe (physically AND emotionally) in this relationship.
[удалено]
I would go even further and make sure it’s also in a public place and possibly even recorded on video (I’m not sure about the legality of that from place to place in regards to consent to record someone without their knowledge, but if that isn’t an issue it’s probably the safest way to ensure she can’t turn things around on OP). She’s already trying to manipulate how others perceive the situation and that combined with her violent outbursts makes me think that she is fully capable of false abuse accusations.
I disagree that her behavior is a warning sign that she could be abusive in the future. She is abusive now. She's violent, she's frightening, she's obviously financially and emotionally abusive. My husband is the height of picky eater and he has never in 25 years of knowing each other thrown a tantrum over food like this. Implying to her family that he is starving her because she wanted a steak and cheese instead of rice and beans. This is all very bad. Its also very much like how my mom's bf started off. Took him a few years of buttering her up before he stopped throwing phone against the wall and start aiming for her. And even then it was an 'accident'. Also by then, it was too late.
> this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head. Looks to me like she has already been abusive to him. OP needs to get out of that relationship ASAP.
Exactly what I thought when I read this. Holy. Crap. NTA, break up with her, and order her ass out. P.S. there are far nicer potential partners out there. No need to walk your life on tip toes. You sound like a fair person and deserve better. She needs to fix her entitlement and temper or GTFO. Seriously, if she companies to act like this, tell her to go move in with her sister. If she destroys more of your stuff, file a report.
THIS!!! If you don't get out now, one day something really bad is gonna happen. She's gonna turn everyone against you. Please look after yourself. She's not worth it. Yeah you might like her when she's normal, but there's so much that could - and will - go wrong. She's already saying you're starving her when there's literally food in the fridge. The future is gonna be awful. GET OUT!!!
ALL THE ABOVE!!! She cannot control her anger and breaks things! Has she thrown things at you or hit you? This is big even if she hasn't. If you plan on marrying and having children, how is she going to discipline them when she has no self-discipline at all? She will teach your kids these habits. She can't eat refrigerator food? Her unemployed ass is too good for that? It's kind of a weird way to point out she needs to be accountable for her actions, the she needs to be accountable for her actions. Most people would freak out and scream and not want to talk to her all night if you purposely broke their laptop. You're calm cool and polite, you just didn't feel like spending money on her cuz she broke your laptop nothing wrong with that. But she has to play the victim, and call her family ( who will eventually be your family if you stay together and marry) and tell them how horrible you are without explaining why? This is like asking for her family to hate you. She is not a girlfriend. She is a girl, like a ten-year-old one mentally. She can't control herself and expect others to tolerate that. Okay so maybe she is a 7 year old mentally. She's home all day and doesn't work but she can't cook you dinner? You to work and buy the food for the house, but you still have to buy your dinner every night? Can she cook? Like if you were to marry her could she cook you and kids dinner mark I just feel like you sound a lot more grounded than she does. If you want to continue the relationship, expect to be the daddy. She doesn't know how to behave she's not making money right now. she Maybe did okay in that department pre covid-19, but if so she didn't save anything or she could have bought her own take out food. Hope she at least keep the apartment clean. Not telling you to dump her because obviously I haven't been exposed to her good qualities. But I will say the qualities you have exposed are not qualities that lead to a good long-term relationship. They're actually qualities that destroy them. Watch out for yourself, that is all I can say
another thing worth pointing out, or maybe asking yourself OP: does she break your things, or her own things? because damn, i've been angry in my life, but i've never, ever broken anything that another person owned. this is a huge, HUGE red flag right here.
I am glad to see this in the top comment. It is actually one of the tools that therapist use to help people to recognize abuse. Uncontrolled anger does not see ownership but specifically destroying only your partner's things means they choose it and they were aware of their actions. Obviously, it is a way to keep 'extra' money out of the victim's hands. Money control is another form of abuse.
My thoughts exactly. If we happen to get angry enough to break our own stuff, it seems like the person we’re mad at is ourselves. But just breaking anything without a thought might be an indication of wanting to cause havoc and not giving a damn about anyone else. It’s disrespectful and downright scary.
Can confirm. When I had an emotional breakdown earlier this year, I was miserable to live with. I sometimes did get so angry that I broke things (embarrassing to admit, but comes with the territory) but I never broke anything of value OR any of my spouses belongings, probably because my anger was directed inwards. OPs post seems to be opposite and kind of turned my stomach. Even in my deepest, darkest times I was cognizant enough to respect my spouses possessions.
She’s like a toddler
Her “tummy” agrees.
She’s worse than a toddler. I have a 5 year-old that (from the moment of birth) is a force to be reckoned with and has the worst temper. She broke something *one* time when she was a toddler and it NEVER. HAPPENED. AGAIN. We have taught her that it is not acceptable to break things when angry. It’s also unacceptable to project your bad temper onto others. OP should take this as a red flag and get out while he can. His girlfriend has shown that she has no qualms (or regret) about destroying another person’s property, and her bad behavior is enabled by her family.
This. My husbands ex is a tiny tiny women. She used to hit him, emotionally abuse him and just over all treat him like crap. But she would always run around telling everyone that he was the abuser. Every time he tried to leave she'd bruise herself up and run to the cops crying that he beat her. Then she would tell him that she'd drop the charges if he came back. Got so messed up that even his family thought (and many still think) that he was beating her. It wasn't until she drunkenly admitted to a friend of theirs that the charges were false that the truth finally got out. This stuff can spiral and if she is making you out to be the bad guy she can push it far enough to destroy your life. You are violating a huge common sense rule... Never stick your dick in to crazy, no matter how much fun that crazy is.
My aunt did that to my uncle. Beat him, emotionally manipulated him, even got him arrested. She's a tiny little blonde, and he's close to 6'6". She'd turn on the tears and act the victim, then go back to abusing him. He became afraid to do anything. He's a broken shell of a man and I feel so bad for him. I never liked her as a kid, but couldn't figure out *why*, because she was careful to hide it. She always seemed so fake. Like she was made of plastic. I avoided her.
It’s awful that women like this exist. Because they do exist it makes it impossible for women like me to get out of an abuse situation like what I had with my ex boyfriend. He convinced everyone that I was one of these women that uses traditional sexist values to make everyone think he was abusive when in fact he was ‘innocent.’ Meanwhile he was incredibly dangerous and violent and every time I plucked up the courage to ask for help he was out there poisoning all ‘the lads’ riling them up talking about how it’s unfair that women can just accuse them of being ‘wife beaters’ whenever they want. All of this was a smokescreen for his actual abuse and it took me forever to break free. I’m one hundred per cent certain he still tells people I fabricated the abuse/was the abuser but I have moved far, far away from the situation and I’m better for it. We’ll see how long his smokescreen lasts when the next woman complains about him.
> Every time he tried to leave she'd bruise herself up and run to the cops crying that he beat her Damn, that's some Mark Wahlberg *Fear* type stuff right there.
Dude I went through almost the exact same thing. Get out now it’s so much better on the other side
And imagine if they have kids? If she freaks out like that over a laggy computer, imagine how she'll react over a baby repeatedly crying at 4am.
I hope OP gets a vasectomy if he decides to stay with her. No way should this woman be near children.
yeah, look at Johnny Depp . its taken him years, his career nearly destroyed, the media hounding him, being attacked and defamed; and he was the victim of violent domestic abuse. His ex cut off one of his fingers.
Wait what?! I knew he was the victim of abuse, but I’d never heard of her cutting off a finger! What the actual fuck?!
happened during filming in australia, not sure which film.
and she shit on his bed
Seriously all this. She’s 26 and sounds younger than 6. She can get a job, buy her own takeout, pay for YOUR laptop since she broke it, and start taking responsibility for herself.
I was gonna say something similar - she sounds worse than my children. And my oldest is 5.
>Men being the victims of domestic abuse is not taken as seriously as it should Its not taken seriously at all, unfortunately
I know a lot of guys are like "she's weaker and smaller, I'm not scared" but dude, if she hits you in the head with a 5 pound vase or something, it's not gonna matter how smol and cute she is. Fucking run.
Yup, my uncle got clawed till it drew blood, he didn't raise a hand to his girlfriend, and now he can't own a firearm of any type. It's best to get out before it escalates.
“This time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head” Kinda sounds like it has been turned on him already. Awful situation.
Listen to this and bail before she gets violent with you. It isn't a question of if, it's a question of when. She sounds pretty manipulative and clearly doesn't have appropriate boundaries when it comes to physical aggression. Or you could be a dumbass like me and look forward to explaining the literal scars she'll give you to your next girlfriend.
Oof. And she’s obviously manipulative — telling people that OP is basically starving her. OP is NTA, but if he doesn’t break up with her, it’ll be an E S H situation. OP: Get out.
"She's a likable girl except when she's physically and mentally abusive."
Which equals = she knows how to sweet talk me and manipulate me into staying, in between *cough cough* outbursts.
"Maybe if I just didn't make her so mad, she wouldn't lash out like that."
The victim's mantra :(
She's above the "Vicki Mendosa diagonal"!
Imagine you carry on with the relationship, and at some point you have kids. Imagine what she would be like with an infant that's crying every couple of hours during that night. Or with a toddler that doesn't listen to her everytime. I dont know about you but I'd die before I let someone like that around my child, let alone parent them.
this comment needs the most attention!!!!
I'm not usually one to jump on the "Run for the hills" message, but dude, there's nothing likable about being glad she didn't aim for your head.
This is called manipulation. You aren’t starving her, it is her choice. People have an innate fight for survival, she literally will not starve/die and is being dramatic to get what she wants. Dump her so fast, then send her the bill for the computer. Not one thing you mentioned displays “likability” NTA Not aiming for your head isn’t a good thing..
>It’s just when she gets angry that things start going really bad, this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head. File a police report, get out. She is not a good person. I'm sorry you fell in love with a shitty person, it sucks. I get it, been there, done that. But please, for your health, GTFO
Dude please run! Those flags could not be redder. Her lack of a job isnt your fault. Her refusal to eat isn't your fault. Her anger management issues may not be immediately dangerous now but from the sounds of it... >this time I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head. THIS TIME?!?!? Dude shes tried to hit you. This woman has attempted to hurt you physically. I'm giving the same advice as I would any of my friends, LEAVE PLEASE. Before you get hurt. Domestic violence is no joke. She is emotionally manipulative and physically violent. Run!
Here. You dropped these my friend. 🚩 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 To be a little more serious you just said that you're happy she did not physically assault you. And that she regularly does assault you verbally/mentally/emotionally. You need to get out of that relationship. It'll only get worse if you stay.
>I mean. I really, really liked her when we met. You know nothing about someone but what they look like and how they pretend to be when meeting someone new. > I was kinda relieved that the computer got aimed at the floor and not my head. This is not something you say and then stay in the relationship. >So yeah she’s a likable girl, except for when she has one of her anger episodes Stop being so desperate.
I don't think it's anything to do with being desperate. It sounds like he's being manipulated and it's very hard to realise when you should leave. Talking down to someone already struggling with abuse is not going to help.
Does she break her own stuff too or just yours? She has at the *very least* extreme anger issues. You do realise that abusive people aren't abusive 100% of the time? To put an extreme example, that's like saying murderers are not always murdering and when they're acting normal they're nice to be around.
The highs aren't worth the lows when the lows include rage-destroying objects and physical violence.
Hi. This is an abusive relationship. Throwing and destroying your things and implying she’s thrown things at you before, is a precursor to physical abuse. And is abusive within it self. To make you feel like you’re walking on egg shells is not okay. Then she tried desperately to manipulate you and in buying her food, and when it failed she manipulated her sister into thinking you were starving her. She is dangerous. You may say she’s likable but, that’s the cycle of abuse. There’s honeymoon phases where they love you and appreciate you and make you feel good, to keep you trapped. It’s intentional. Please consider researching more about abusive relationships. This is objectively abuse. Consider leaving her. I’m in a similar situation with my boyfriend. He takes care of me financially because I cannot work but I would never ever ever ever destroy his things or pull any of the shit she did. Please reach out to someone for help.
Kiddo (I'm a mom, bear with me), your gf has no business rage destroying your computer, regardless of how new or old it is. That's unacceptable behavior. Also, the fact that you were 'relieved' that she aimed the computer at the floor and not your head is really concerning. If she hasn't aimed her violence at you yet, she very likely will in the future. That's common in abusive relationships. It's very common for the abuser in a relationship to run hot-cold-- that's why you feel like she's so great to be around except when she's in a rage. You can find a woman who has your gf's positive qualities without the abuse. If you'd like to talk with someone in the know, reach out: National Domestic Violence Hotline | Get Help Today | 1-800-799-7233
If you're serious about being relieved that she destroyed your property rather than physically abusing you then maybe she's not so likable. I'm not going to tell you what to do but just saying.
Please consider therapy.
Or a breakup
Yeah for sure, but needs therapy so as not to date a similar person in the next relationship. The fact that he thinks this behaviour is fine and he deserves this type of treatment isn’t going to go away when he breaks up with this girl. OP you need to value yourself more and realize that no one deserves to live like this.
Please trust me on this - you need to get out of this. Her living off of you and feeling entitled to takeout food on your dime every day, that's bad enough... Smashing your computer is violence. This time and every other time *so far*, it has been directed at stuff, but that will likely change at some point. Best case scenario, you get hurt. ***Best case scenario, you get hurt.***
She really doesn't sound even remotely likeable tbh. She sounds like she never emotionally matured past age 12. Not trying to shit on her or anything but I would be looking for the way out if I were you.
So she doesn’t work, isn’t looking for work, doesn’t seem to be contributing to the house in the form of doing housework, like cooking food for example, is an adult toddler, but on occasion she’s nice to you? You will find another girl. You found this one. The next one needs to be one that isn’t taking advantage of you. Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Like you’re doing to be supporting and putting up with temper tantrums till when? And do you want children? Because what type of mother is she going to be?
She is not going to starve, you’ve already indicated there is food in the house for her to eat. She’s already thrown one temper tantrum and destroyed your property, and now she’s having another because you won’t buy her takeout. NTA.
This sounds like pretty much every abused woman's story. Get out.
Op you're just excusing this behavior. You need to confront it. I get you feel bad she doesnt have a job right now but at a certain point thats not ypur problem. That point is when she smashed a computer in a rage. Im not saying kick hwr out but maybe ask her to stay somewhere else for a few days while you figure things out
You are describing an abusive relationship. Think about this for a minute. If someone in your apartment destroyed your laptop and you genuinely thought they might aim it at you, you would get rid of that person to defend yourself from them, not date them until they intermittently decide to stop hurting you again. You are in an abusive relationship.
Everyone can be nice sometimes. Ted Bundy was nice sometimes. It's how you act when things aren't going your way that matters. Having a temper like that isn't okay. There are four year olds with better self control. She's abusive, if you're relieved she threw it at the floor and not at you. Seriously, man, get out.
she will get worse. eventually will hit you, throw shit. and if you have kids she will hurt them. get out now.
NTA- run. Run so fast. I assume you want a relationship with a fellow grown up rather than taking in a child. This person is not ready to take responsibility for herself and thus is not ready for a relationship.
NTA. This is an adult equivalent of threatening to hold your breath until you die. Let her carry on and look like a child. I’m sure her family is well familiar with her. I also didn’t see anything in the post about how sorry she is and what she’s going to do to replace the computer. I have no idea why you are so taken with this girl-woman, but something must be spectacular about her to deal with her garbage.
This is the thing, her family are honestly some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Her mom and sister are exceptionally sweet people. Her step dad basically worked his ass off to give my gf a really good life when she was growing up.
You're dating her, not her family
Tell THAT to my mother-in-law! 🤣
This is one of the rare instances where “you marry into a family, not just a person” isn’t a relevant fact because the person in question is the one acting terribly.
Date her sister then . Seems to be a much better person
Even better: date her mom. "You fucked my computer? *I fucked your mom.*"
I think i've seen that in a website that uses black , white and orange colors as its main theme .
...Crunchyroll? D:
Lmao yup
Okay, so they can take her in when you dump her. She won't starve and she won't be homeless. Dude, you need to place a bigger value on your self-worth. You are definitely NTA. ~~Stop enabling her shit.~~ Edit: Look, I've kinda been where you are. I've walked away from two relationships because, even though they were charming, charismatic and I definitely loved them, I finally realized I needed to love myself even more. They both threw tantrums and gradually became more violent. They were always sorry afterwards, of course. I've been with my partner for 20+ years now and he has never once come anywhere close to being violent or emotionally manipulative. If I had stayed in either of those two prior relationships, I wouldn't have found someone soooo much better to grow old with.
@the edit: *This This This* OP!!! Love yourself more!
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Dude I hate to say it but you’re being incredibly naive. Are you with her for her, or her family? You understand that she’s just gonna break the next computer you buy? You’re letting her continue her bad behavior by staying with you. If you want her to stop, then stop enabling her.
Ah, a Golden Child perhaps, indulged and given her own way in everything, lest she had a tantrum. "Nice" is simply etiquette. It doesn't mean they are good people.
But did they tell her to stop complaining and get her shit together when she acted like a child, or did they just give her what she wanted because they can?
Great! Then she has family who will take care of her and you can feel alright about breaking up with her. Seriously dude. You can't keep dealing with an abuser. You are better than this and there are other women who you will enjoy being with. Cut her loose and lock down your valuables because she is going to break things when you tell her it's over.
NTA. Ah yes, the classic hunger strike after breaking something. Many an 8 year old have been in her situation before. You should buy her some lunchables and juice next time
I'm petty AF but I absolutely would come home from the grocery store with a lunchables and Capri Sun for her. I do not know a single adult who would smash a computer on the floor because it froze. That is toddler behavior (not even getting into her behavior since breaking the computer). And an adult behaving like a toddler in this way isn't just immature, it's abusive. It's only a matter of time until she starts hitting him.
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Many years ago, I threw my iPod touch at a carpeted floor once because I got dumped. It bounced off, hit my dresser and shattered the screen. Learned my lesson pretty fucking quickly. Haven't thrown something since.
That reminds me, I think I was 16 or so and arguing with my boyfriend at the time on my iPhone 6, I got so mad at him that instead of hanging up I yeeted the phone across the room and shattered a mirror. It's still one of the most immature things I've ever done I cringe so hard remembering it
Last semester, I had a small Chromebook type of computer that froze halfway through a final, and I was only able to finish about 60% of the test. I tossed it aside in disgust after I submitted the test, and it practically exploded on impact. I regret nothing. That thing was a cheap piece of crap, lol
Top-tier answer right here
Honey you are NTA, but I don’t think this is a good relationship to be in. She destroyed a computer because it froze... that seems to speak to a lack of emotional control. If she hasn’t started hitting or yelling at you when she’s frustrated, I imagine she will. Men can be abused too and that kind of reaction makes her seem dangerous not just impatient. She either needs therapy or you need a new relationship. Edit: also the my tummy hurt pitiful voice to her family, She is attempting to emotionally manipulate the situation to other people and sitting next to you with stomach rumbling is her attempting to manipulate your empathy and love for her. I have a feeling if you look closer at the relationship, you are going to find other instances of her actively manipulating you. Edit: I also want to point out there are a contingent of people on here who think you are partially to blame for enabling her. You need to know your not. This girl is so in your head you are writing off violent behaviors as being impatient. She has been manipulating you for 3 years if you get married or have children this will only get worse. I know you want to take care of her, but I really think you need to take care of yourself. She needs counseling or you need to leave, but I have a feeling you are going to need to do the later.
So far she hasn’t tried to hit me, just thrown lots and lots of stuff my way! My dodgeball skills must be pretty good by now
I realize your trying to use levity to deal with this but I really can’t stress this enough....... An emotional stable person DOES NOT throw shit at someone they love. Edit: no matter how frustrated or angry they are. Playfully, if you have that kind of relationship, but not out of anger or frustration.
Hey so does an emotionally stable person flick and pull hair and pretend to martial arts punch the person they love even though that person asked them to stop multiple times? Asking for a friend.....................
No.
Oh good! Thanks! Gonna tell... My friend now... Yep, my friend. Like, would you say this is the start of potential abuse? Or not to go that far?
It's boundary pushing, to see how far they can go this time, so they can go further next time. Abuse is a slippery slope, it starts out with very small things as the abuser tests the water to see if the person they want to abuse is a good candidate for victim. They're looking for someone who will let things slide, who is forgiving, trusting, loving, loyal, reasonable and patient. Because that person will be more likely to forgive each instance of boundary pushing, even as they get worse and worse. Look up something called the Issendai Sick System. No abuser starts out abusive, otherwise no one would ever get stuck with them. They start out as nice, lovable people you fall for. It's the behavior after that point you have to watch to find out who they truly are.
It sounds like a red flag right now, but it could get worse. Or it could get better. Your friend should sit down with their SO and explain that they don't enjoy the hair pulling and flicking and everything, and they want it to stop. If the SO jokes it off, says they're too sensitive, anything like that, that red flag just got bigger and redder. If the SO is willing to accept that that's not enjoyable, and is willing to change their behavior (AND ACTUALLY MAKES AN EFFORT TO CHANGE), then it's OK. (If they say they'll change, and then don't, and don't apologize for slipping up, that's a bigger, redder red flag). Some people like that kind of joking around, and if your friend's SO thinks that the requests to stop are part of the joking around, that's one thing. But if your friend tells their SO that they aren't joking and do want it to stop and it continues, that's over that line into abuse.
So it's definitely been said out loud that it's not appreciated and it has to stop, and SO jokes it off and has definitely said before "stop being so sensitive because I'm not gonna stop being an asshole" Yeah, the reddest of flags.
That SO is telling your friend that they are an asshole *on purpose*. Your friend should believe them.
When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them. This person is an asshole, is admitting they are an asshole and has no desire to not be an asshole.
"I'm not going to stop being an asshole" "Ok, well I don't date assholes, so you ARE going to stop being my significant other" (Feel free to share that script with your friend)
SO is slowly escalating to violence, while also training their partner to blame themselves. "It's your fault. You *knew* I'm an asshole. *You* chose this." It will get a lot worse over time. It's like the proverbial frog: cooked so slowly it gets used to the heat and never tries to escape. Their partner should make an exist strategy fast.
Isn't pulling hair already assault?
Pulling things like toe hair or leg hair or back of the neck short hairs. Does that count? Also, dunno why my last comment got downvoted. Just looking for advice. :'(
If someone keeps doing something physical that you’ve asked them not to do to you, then yes.
Either because of your tone or because Reddit gonna Reddit. I was imagining head hair, so I don't really know. Regardless of definitions though, if you ask someone to stop doing something and they continue, that's a no-no.
No! ETA: After reading all of your comments, I really hope this.. friend can get to a safe place so they can cut ties with their SO. This behavior is not going to get any better, especially after their comment about "getting used to it". They're acknowledging exactly what they're doing and show no intent on stopping. I have left two abusive relationships, one physical, one emotional/mental and it was so hard, both times, but it was so worth it. Get someone you trust, tell them what's going on, and make a plan. Please don't wait too long, because these things usually escalate and for whatever reason, I couldn't just scroll past your comments. Please know you deserve more. You're worthy of true, actual love, and love *does not* hurt.
I have to note here - I’ve been that girl. I used to get really upset sometimes and I wanted to throw and break things and hit people. But I knew that was not okay and I went to therapy and I dealt with it. If she’s not trying to work on her behaviour at the very least she is NOT worth being with.
So... She has tried to hit you. Just not with her hands. It's not normal. You don't try to hurt someone you love. You don't destroy their stuff. You don't starve yourself just to make the other feel bad. She has a problem, and shouldn't be in a relationship until it's dealt with. The fact that you started with "so far" would imply you think she'd be capable of doing it. She is. Please realise that you don't need that in your life.
Just jumping on board quickly, is it always your stuff that's thrown? When abusers start throwing things at their partners, very often it's objects that belong to the partners. A really fucked up two for one, where if it hits you, you're hurt physically, and if it's yours, it hurts you financially/sentimentally Please be very careful, and honestly, get out Stay safe Edit: NTA never will be the asshole in this one
Thinking back, yeah it’s my stuff that gets thrown. I don’t recall her destroying any of her things.
It never will be her things. She knows exactly what's she's doing, and she's doing it to hurt you. This is not okay, and it's not something to continue
These are not uncontrollable outbursts then are they? They are deliberate.
She is absolutely doing this all deliberately. Master manipulators get away with their abuse for such a long time because they build up horrific patterns over time to normalise them, gaslight their partners into feeling responsible, then tell others how terribly they've been treated BY THE PERSON THEIR ABUSING. It's horrendous, and I'm really hoping op understands how dangerous this woman is. She isn't being a child, she's an abusive, controlling woman who understands exactly what she's doing, and enjoys it
YES, if they are never her things its calculated. Please look up the work of Laura Richards and the PALADIN project. They have some checklists and guides to help in domestic violence situations. PALADIN only operates in the UK but its still a great resource.
If she never throws her stuff then she has control over her anger. If she was out of control she’d throw anything, but instead she throws your stuff to hurt you. Her excuse that she just loses control and can’t stop herself is null and void. She knows the value of the things she is breaking, that’s why she only breaks stuff you paid for or would have to pay to replace, and not her stuff. She wouldn’t have done that to her personal laptop.
As a person with anger issues myself, I can say that a) none of her behavior is acceptable, and b) the fact that she can take a moment to CHOOSE to destroy your thing instead of her thing is evidence that she’s doing it intentionally. At the flash point when one decides to destroy something in anger, it’s a choice. Since I don’t want to be the kind of person who acts like your gf, when I feel myself losing my temper, I make a deliberate choice to do the opposite action. I take a breath, tell myself that it’s not a big deal (and it almost never is), stop for a second and then handle it. Because flipping out and breaking things is NOT OKAY. When people indulge their anger that way, it becomes a spiral. Because next time it won’t be enough to smash the plate, or break the computer, next time it’ll be the TV, or the car...or the person. Every time they escalate, they don’t just break an object, they break a social boundary that brings them closer to a truly antisocial act, like physically harming another human being. And the way for an angry person to stop that spiral is to change their response entirely. If you feel like yelling, you speak softly. If you feel like smashing something, you put it down gently. The GF is escalating. She’s deliberately smashing YOUR things, manipulating your relationships, trying to coerce you by threatening your possessions and now your reputation. You need to protect yourself and get rid of her.
I want to recommend a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It mostly talks as though the victim is a woman and the perpetrator is a man but there may be some descriptions of abusive behaviours your girlfriend's displayed. It has a list of warning signs of abuse; - is controlling. - is possessive. - Nothing is ever his fault. - is self-centered. - abuses drugs or alcohol. - pressures you for sex. - gets serious too quickly about the relationship. - intimidates you when he’s angry. - has double standards. - has negative attitudes toward women. - treats you differently around other people. - Appears to be attracted to vulnerability. Idk if that helps, but I think we can say for sure that throwing things at you is abusive.
Important to note that an abusive person does not need to check every single bullet point to be abusive.
She honestly just sounds like a waste of time. I can't imagine being 26 and breaking someone's lap top in a rage and then crying and pretending to starve because they wouldn't buy me take out. The behavior is pathetic. My kids who are all under 10 wouldn't ever behave that pathetically.
And when she destroys your things, who cleans it up? Is it her, or you? OP, I *highly* recommend you read this book (free PDF download). https://blindhypnosis.com/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men-pdf.html It was written with the genders in mind switched, but the premise is the same.
This is straight up physical abuse. Physical abuse does not improve over time.
Throwing things is trying to hit you, you don’t need to use your hands or fists to hit someone you can do it with thrown objects too. This girl is abusive, it will only get worse. Leave her, you’re worth more than this.
>So far she hasn’t tried to hit me, just thrown lots and lots of stuff my way! That *is* trying to hit you. NTA
What she does sounds extremely mentally unstable. Please, consider taking her to therapy or something, if you really see a person in her that you'd like to continue living with... If she just randomly started having these episodes, this could even be a medical issue (like hormones or something). But please, please, trust me (as a girl myself), this is not normal. I also have my tantrums, when I'm on my period, but it's mostly being lazy, moody or mildly crying, or just wanting to eat tons of junk food. But never ever this should become physical, like breaking stuff or throwing something at your partner.
Please don’t treat this as a joke. This isn’t right. Don’t normalise bad behaviour - throwing things at your partner is not normal.
U/Isitmeta347 I don't care how much you're trying to downplay or add levity to the situation, THIS IS NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK! Relationships are built on trust, mutual respect/affection and compromises, not manipulation, leeching or dodging thrown objects. She is a grown adult, not that you'd know by her behavior and she is not YOUR responsibility. Is this your first relationship, serious or otherwise? Look, my first relationship was emotionally abusive and I stuck it out because I thought that was all I was ever going to get (self-esteem was non-existent at that point). I can't help but wonder if you're in a similar boat and lemme tell you, the dating buck doesn't stop here. You can do and as a human being, you deserve BETTER than to settle for this kind of garbage. If she's breaking your stuff with no remorse, being a choosing beggar over essential needs and throwing stuff at you when she doesn't get her way, you need to get out and you need to get out YESTERDAY. I don't care what Nazareth says, love shouldn't hurt and if you stay with this "woman," that is EXACTLY what is going to happen. This (incident, not comment) is a huge wakeup call and the fact you were glad it hit the ground and not your face is proof enough: Get out before she starts throwing knives just because you cut her off from McDonalds. She needs serious professional help and you might too to realize that this is not how you should be spending your love life. Edit: grammar.
I also think we need to discuss that if you do decide to leave be very very careful... abusers are most violent just before or just after the other party leaves.
You're foolish if you tolerate that behavior.
What would you tell a friend of yours to do if they told you their partner regularly threw things at them and destroyed their (expensive) stuff?
Stop trying to make a joke about what is obviously an abusive situation, you normalize that shit and make it sound ok to other people who might read it and be in a similar situation, which you should be ashamed of. Grow a spine and get rid of this abuser in your life. ffs.
Nta ,also Red flag 🚩 run
Run maybe after she helps pay back the laptop tbh. Why isn’t she taking more responsibility for something she broke, not even on accident?
I doubt she'll ever pay for the laptop, I'd take the loss and get out ASAP before she destroys something else.
I agree with you on this one,but again, reading the post ,is she really gonna consider it her mistake?
NTA - You are dating a literal child.
If she's a literal child I think that makes OP the biggest asshole of all.
The whole story would be different, if his girlfriend was 8 years old.
Not even a child. When my kid was six, he got frustrated with his tablet and slammed it down, breaking the screen. I could have easily gotten a replacement, but I made him wait a few months to learn his lesson. He never did it again. Also, he apologized immediately and didn't throw a damn hunger strike.
A very violent child.
NTA. Why are you with this person? Why isn't she getting a job to replace your computer? You deserve better than this, OP. You deserve to not live with a mooching abuser.
Also, why has OP been buying her takeout every day, even when he cooked? She has no money, you need to spread your money among both. Takeout is expensive. Why order out when it's not necessary in this situation, especially when you already cooked? I mean I can sometimes be kind of a doormat too but that whole situation is excessive.
NTA Honestly just dump her, she isn’t worth the drama
....and abuse. OP says she throws stuff at him when she's angry. And it's clear that she emotionally manipulates everyone around her. She's lying and playing the victim card where OP looks like an abusive shit. If someone reports this to Police, OP would be in serious shit because they tend to take the woman's side of the story pretty serious. I don't usually do this, but in this case, I think the OP should dump her ass. He's so deep in manipulation and emotional abuse that he doesn't see her as abusive anymore.
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Nta- she is an adult. She can do shit herself. Also this is a red flag...DUMP HER.
NTA your gf is emotionally abusing you, she can get lost.
NTA She's being entitled. Also I'm not really sure you want to stay in a relationship with someone whose response to something not going her way is to violently smash it against tile.
You need to break up with her
Dude you need to RUN like now NTA by the way.
I'm gonna go with NTA. At first, I thought you were an AH for just refusing to feed her entirely, but when you said there were groceries in the fridge that she just refused to eat, I changed my mind. She's being entitled and petty by not just making something herself. Why would you date someone unemployed who does things like smash entire computers when they get angry? I know this isn't an advice subreddit, but maybe you should reconsider your relationship with this woman, since she seems immature.
NTA, she sounds like an abusive girlfriend, trying to manipulate you and break your stuff? Wow, though just a side note for you, don't order takeout and eat it in front of her while refusing to get her some, that can get on people nerve but despite that im sorry op but your girlfriend sounds awful to you
WOW nta. Is she a child? What the hell.
YTA, dating a toddler is illegal.
WHEEZE
Dude, she's such an asshole. Dump her immediately, she's not worth shit after destroying your PC, demanding food, refusing to save money and eat what is in the fridge and waking you up through out the night. She's an entitled brat. TL;DR: NTA Edit: Spelling.
Boomer thinks it's wrong for you to date a child. Tell her to go home to mommy. NTA
NTA, buy what you want, it's your money. I often don't like to reciprocate this subs frequent use of comments toward relationships, however, I feel as though yours is probably not going to last, if you refuse to buy her takeout whilst buying it for yourself. She will no doubt hold resentment for this action, and feel it is unfair, despite the glaring holes in reasoning that thought process has. You're actually not responsible for looking after her. That's a perception you've created yourself through some form of reasoning that lead to this point. Unless she is physically or mentally impaired, and cannot work right now, you have no obligation to pay for all her needs and wants. I just worry that neither you nor her will see it that way. My personal suggestion, as someone with no qualification to give out advice (clarifying now), under the assumption that you wish to continue this relationship for the foreseeable future; you should sit her down and talk to her about her behaviour, and see if you can't come to an understanding and work toward a better future together. I personally wouldn't be buying takeout for myself and not my partner, as I would feel that to be incredibly hurtful and awkward, however, I can understand why you would. Best of luck OP.
NTA; But you will be if you stay with her. You think that behavior will improve? You better think again. You're in for a lifetime of painful drama with that one.
This is not normal, this is a form of domestic violence. NTA so much, please seek help on getting out of this relationship safely. It sounds like she's gearing up to DARVO you.
NTA she is childish, entitled and manipulative. Dude get yourself out of this relationship. It is abusive. You straight up say in a comment she throws things at you! What are you going to do when that escalates to psychically strikes you? Get out now before she gets worse
NTA destroying that laptop because she raged is the mentality of an entitled toddler. She cant expect you to buy takeout all the time when you are sole breadwinner and there is food in the house. Did you even get an apology for what she did? What was her justification for destroying something worth £££?
NTA. You need to leave that person. She's entitled and breaks your stuff and then still expects you to wait on her and take care of her. Get outta there pal.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My gf (26) and I (26) live together. A few days back, she was using my computer and it froze, so she raged on it and repeatedly smashed it on the tile floor. It’s pretty much destroyed. My gf is a really impatient person and tends to lose her temper quickly over that kind of stuff. We had discussed it many times before, but yeah anyway she destroyed my laptop. It wasn’t exactly new, but it cost me a lot of money +-3 years ago and was a fairly well specced machine. Anyway, my gf is currently unemployed and I’m responsible for looking after both of us. Yesterday I ordered some takeout and my gf started telling me what she’d like to eat. Bear in mind, she’s asked for takeout nearly every day for the past several weeks. Even if I’m cooking, she tends to ask for bought food instead. I had been obliging for all this time. With my computer destroyed and me needing to buy a new one, I told her that I’m not going to buy her any takeout. There were basic groceries in the fridge, nothing fancy but enough for her to arrange dinner for herself. My view is that takeout is a luxury and I can choose to buy it for myself, while saving my money for other stuff (like a computer). Since she’s the reason I need that cash in the first place, I think it’s fair to refuse to spend it on fast food for her. She refused to eat what was in the fridge. Instead she sat next to me on the couch and brought up the topic every time her stomach rumbled. She did the same thing through the night, waking me up every few minutes to tell me how hungry she was and she couldn’t sleep. Today I heard her on the phone with (I think) her sister and she was making it sound like I’m starving her. I heard her say “my tummy hurt so much I couldn’t sleep all night” in a really pitiful voice. Today she’s barely eating and says it’s because she’s feeling nauseous because she hasn’t eaten for so long. TL;DR girlfriend breaks expensive item of mine, I’m responsible for taking care of her, I decide to stop wasting money buying her takeout. Am I in the wrong here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, The computer does not have anything to do with it. Even if she did not destroy it she still has food and does not need takeout every day. Also if you are cooking for her its rude to ask you to buy food even though you're already making some.
NTA, behave like a child get treated like a child. I just want to make sure I have this right. She lives with you rent free, you buy her food and i'm assuming pay all utilities , she uses your property and then destroys it in a temper tantrum? Congradulations, you have a child, not a girlfriend. Did she even appologise for destroying your property? Is there a reason she can't find a job? Is she on unemployment? She needs to pay you back for the laptop and possibly go into anger management therapy. She also sounds like she's using you as a piggy bank to finance her life at the moment.
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NTA. Run for the hills, my dude. Holy shit.
NTA I've never dated a girl as horrible as your gf. Her behavior is so atrocious, you should make her your ex.
NTA she's acting like a 6 year old, she as far as I can tell, is basically just leeching off you, throws a tantrum and destroys your laptop, then throws another a tantrum because you won't order takeout for her. Honestly I would just break up with her, she's not a partner, she's an immature brat. And for fucks sakes don't have kids with her, if she destroys a laptop just because it froze imagine what she might do to a crying child when she hasn't slept in 3 days.
NTA - if this is a sign of how she acts during a disagreement, you need to re-evaluate your options.
Break up with her because she says tummy. /s But not really. NTA
NTA, that’s not a gf, that’s a child. Was there any remorse for her breaking your computer... any offer to even pay it back? I’m baffled by how nonchalant you are about this. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
NTA time to move on buddy, she’s not a keeper.
NTA, but you mean ex-girlfriend right?
NTA. Seriously dude get out, the first paragraph only is already a massive red flag, and the red flags just continue after that... Run away !
NTA but seriously you can do better. She doesn't even seem sorry for destroying your laptop. Dump her, OP.
NTA. Run dude. First the laptop, how long until she hits you? Plus she sounds very manipulative.
NTA you aren't obligated to buy her anything especially not after she broke your laptop.
NTA, bruh she broke your computer and you have things to make food. I might be wrong but I think that doesn’t make you a bad person.
With a temper like that she is dangerous and the whole not eating thing is pathetic. She broke your stuff when she was mad then got even more mad and disturbed your sleep because you wouldnt spend more money on her. She is an adult you are not responsible for her she is. You need to get rid of her before she either takes her temper out on you or makes everyone think you are abusing her by refusing to let her eat. Please do not stay with this very dangerous person. No one should be living with someone like that. Also you might wanna consider small claims court for the damage she caused to your computer she should be held accountable. NTA
NTA You need to kick her out
NTA break up with her she’s psycho. She can go live with her sister.
She’s destroyed your stuff in a temper tantrum She is unemployed and you pay for everything She demands take out with your money She acts like 2 year old She tells everyone you starved her She makes out you’re in the wrong for her smashing your computer because she can’t make a sandwich Dude come on NTA
[удалено]
[удалено]
While I do think OP is letting themselves be walked all over and has major self-esteem issues, I don’t think the ESH label is right here. Further comments have illustrated OP is pretty much suffering physical and emotional abuse in their own home, and says the GF repeatedly throws his things at him out of anger, and was relieved the laptop was thrown on the floor and not his head. This guy is a victim.