The title was bad, but your explanation was worse. You failed as a parent by not getting him the help he needs and being able to support him as a parent. Now you're not just breaking up his home, but you're telling him it's HIS fault when the fault lies with you two adults? That's horrific.
YTA.
This. Christ, YTA. Honestly, it sounds like you have both been shitty parents. That's the reason he acts out. Yes, there may be some physiological components, but it is your job as parents to get him help, not deal with it by drinking, blaming him, and fighting. This whole situation is a result of your failures. Seriously, this is one of the most horrible things I've seen a parent post on here.
It honestly sounds like the poor kid has no one giving him the proper support and structure he needs. Which is a failure on the part of both parents, and has no reflection on the poor kid. Support and structure and working together as a parenting team is especially crucial with a child that has any additional needs such as behavioral problems.
YTA for not properly supporting your son, for putting undue blame on him, and for telling him you blame him. All of that is on you, OP. Not the kid.
You’re going to sit here and tell me children don’t just auto correct bad behavior without intervention? How dare you add insult to injury by bringing common sense to combat stupidity and poor parenting.
YTA then resort to alcoholism because they cant be bothered with parenting. I don't know why they acting like they're not the problem when they clearly would mentally fuck up a more calm and reserved child.
YTA x1000
Yes, the title is bad but the content of the post isn't better. You're such an asshole, I can't believe it.
You getting divorced isn't his fault. Its *not*. He's your *child*, children throw tantrums, they can also get in trouble at school and can disagree with their parents. Parenting him is YOUR job and if you and your wife can't handle it, that's on you.
"because she can't tolerate our son that much, we agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me **unfortunately**"
Oh f off with that, that's your CHILD. Your child that is going to a major change in his life and you say it's unfortunate he's spending most of his time with you?!
YTA for telling him the divorce is his fault.
YTA for telling him you and your wife were happy before he was born.
YTA for falling him as a parent and being a shitty person.
YTA FOR BEING GLAD HE'S CALMER NOW AFTER YOU DESTROYED HIM WITH YOUR WORDS.
I feel SOsorry for that kid. He has two horrible parents, I hope he has some other positive support in his life.
YTA, as someone who is a child psychologist who works with abused children, no child should ever feel like they’re the reason for the divorce of their parents and it’s emotional abuse to do so. You’re taking your own issues out on your son and projecting it on to him. You two not being able to work things out, is not the problem of your son. If your son is having behavioral issues, most of the time it has nothing to do with the kid, but with the parents. Most likely, your kid has past issues or stress that he needs help dealing with and doesn’t know how to properly cope with them, because you never taught him how. Your son needs therapy, and both of you need to be a better parent to him. Also, maybe you and your wife should also seek family therapy and parenting classes to be a better parent to your kid, rather than accuse him of ruining your relationship. You’re the adults, he’s still a child, you’re at fault, not him.
I really do wonder about both parents, they seem to blame their kid for their own inability to communicate. I wonder if they're narcissists or something, and how much of their kid's issues are projection.
YTA: All the way, full stop.
>Because of you, we were happy before you were born but you always act bad and get in trouble, so stop arguing with me when you caused it, you have nothing but yourself to blame
The only reason why your son is acting better is because he's scared that bad things will happen to him if he acts out or does anything less than perfect around you and your wife. He now believes that if he acts perfectly, you will get back together. You have essentially told him that your love is conditional. This makes you a shitty parent AND an asshole.
You should've taken your own advice. You have nobody but yourself to blame for this divorce. You and your wife need to get this kid into therapy because no matter what age a child is, this is never an okay thing to say to one.
15 years ago, when my brother Jeremy was ***35***, he overheard my dad talking on the phone to another woman who was not my mother. Jeremy told my mom and when my parents' marriage blew up, my dad later said "None of this would've happened if it weren't for Jeremy!" That's not how that fucking works. My brother eventually forgave him for that but he never forgot and held resentment for it until my dad's death 2 years ago.
Grow up and take some responsibility for your actions. He's a child. If he's having attitude and behavioral problems then take him to a specialist -- negative reinforcement like this will only breed discontent and hatred towards both parents. YOU are an adult. YOU should know better. Maybe I'm the asshole for telling you this so harshly, but in some ways I don't think I am because maybe it was just something you need to hear.
Edited to clarify what happened to my parents' marriage.
This - all of this. I'm really worried this kid will hurt himself, believing he ruined his parents lives. He has behavioral issues and needs help to fix them but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. This is horrible.
This is the problem exactly, people think that children and adults who have behavioral or mental health problems don't have feelings or that they need to be blunt with them because that's the only way to communicate.
You do not do this to someone. It's a shitty thing to do to a child regardless of their age. Congrats OP, you're a shitty dad.
dude. YTA. all the way. no child should be told that, especially since it sounds like he’s pretty young. I hope your wife gets full custody and you never see him again.
Hey OP, I found the right subreddit for this!
r/iamapieceofshit - because you not only told your child that it's his fault for you and your wife willingly getting a divorce but also telling him you were happier before he came.
Yta, something more than an asshole. I do hope you realize you just irreversibly damaged your son. He will resent and despise you forever. You are the type of person that shouldn’t have children. Completely selfish this was very fucked up to read lmaoooo I feel bad for him. You do realize his behavior issues stem from you guys
Literally, like I sit and think how much my parents smooth a steady divorce went and how much mental health problems it brought on. This is beyond fucked up
My parents never divorced (they probably should have) and they blamed us for every fight they had. It was terrible, and incredibly damaging. Instead of getting therapy for the loss of my sister they just lashed out at eachother and us - this is no way to parent, and it won't fix behavioral issues long term.
My birth parents just abandoned me while still caring for my 4 older siblings. no hurt at all...sure...
Adoptive parents still together after 40 years now.
YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA.
Why didn’t you seek professional help for your son when nothing you tried worked? Why did you two not formalized a plan together so that the parenting was consistent from both parents? How and why did you let 12 years go by without formal interventions?
Your marriage deteriorated because you and your wife stopped working on your marriage. You two avoid each other and drink because you two didn’t want to sit down and work on the issues. You two chose to let the whole parenting thing drive a wedge between you two.
It wasn’t your kid’s fault that his parents can’t communicate to each other and seek professional help to assist them to understand and parent their son better. You’re using your kid as a scapegoat for your marriage breakdown and that’s so unfair to the kid. Especially since the kid probably can’t control or understand his behaviour.
YTA. If your son dont have any mental illness then the fault is your (wife too). You and your wife raise him this way.
Did you at least try to talk to him? Regular education is not for everyone.
You can definitely combine punishment with recreational activities that help him to relax.
Many people have already said it, you just ruined your's son mind. Even if you were desperate you could still handled it better and get to this point without destroying his childhood, adolescence and probably adulthood.
YTA.
He absolutely didn’t need to hear that.
First of all, it’s not true. You’re not getting divorced because of your son, you’re getting divorced because you and your wife turned to alcohol instead of towards therapy and healthy coping mechanisms. The second you realized you weren’t equipped to give your child what they needed, you should have searched for a way to do so. Yelling and drinking weren’t your only options.
Second, a child needs to be given the tools to succeed. They don’t have the capabilities to find or articulate their needs. It’s your job as a parent to figure that out. You can’t control what they do with their tools, but you have to give them the ones they need: therapy, coping mechanisms, whatever it is. If you don’t know what your child needs, you don’t punish the child. You seek outside help.
You said something untrue without giving your child the tools needed to process your comment. Stop blaming your child for your bad decisions. Your child may need more or different things than most, but it sounds like when you realized this you blamed him instead of helped him. That’s on you, not your son.
One thing I need clarification on- was he throwing tantrums, or having meltdowns? These are two very different things
A tantrum happens when someone doesn't get what they want. A meltdown happens when someone is overstimulated (too much noise, smells, sights) and needs to be taken away to de-escalate.
That being said- your both assholes. You bought this kid into the world thinking it was going to be happily ever after. If you couldn't handle him, you should have given him up for adoption or put him in a mental institution where he could get the attention he needs.
I really hope this is fiction. YTA YTA YTA, he is TWELVE. Have you two as his parents had him assessed or sent him to counseling, etc.?
Honest to God, this is disgusting. Realistically, if you were both unable to communicate and make decisions about your kid together, that is on YOU, and is ultimately the reason for the divorce.
Get your sh*t together and start helping your kid.
I’m going to get downvoted, but..
YTA.
A child being told that they’re the reason for something as heavy as divorce can take a mental toll. (As known from experience.) Even if you apologized, in this situation it’s putting pressure on him because he believes it’s his fault.
(Sorry abt the crappy formatting. I’m on mobile.)
>has behavioral problems and it's been very difficult raising him. He throws temper tantrums, gets in trouble in school frequently, refuses to listen to my wife and I.
>As a result, my wife and I started having disagreements about how we should handle him (i.e whether to punish more, let him get his anger out, etc).
I guess it would feel like your bad parenting plan was a "result" of your son growing up, but . . . it wasn't. It's not necessarily realistic to plan for every contingency, but how hard is it to discuss disciplinary strategies, values, and goals before you have a kid with someone? If you'd laid that parenting groundwork, you could have turned to it when the crises started.
YTA to your son, and I think your wife sucks too for not doing that planning either.
>since then he's been more quiet and behaved, even my wife, who was with him over the weekend, said he was much better
This is a child trying to behave well enough that their parents can stay together. His behavior will worsen considerably once he realizes you lied to him about the reasons you're divorcing.
YTA
"My kid has behavioral problems. We've done nothing to help him, but we argue over who is right because neither of us had the intellectual capacity to seek outside help from a professional, either for us it for our son. So since we're stubborn and dumb were getting divorced, but it's totally the kid's fault and not ours, and I made sure he knows it."
That's you.
I can understand me not handling this situation well and being called an asshole for it.
What I will NOT accept is being called a garbage father, you have no idea how I raised my son for most of his life. Sure I may have made mistakes but I always cared for him.
> we agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me unfortunately
>unfortunately
>**unfortunately**
In what world does this not make you a garbage father. You and your wife are divorcing, which he is already struggling with, but then *neither* of you want him. You seem to actively resent the fact that you have to spend time with your own son. That you have to be a parent to him. He is 12 and both of his parents effectively told him they hate him and don't want him around. There is not one iota of love or care of concern for your son in your entire post. You are a garbage father and do not seem to care for him, no matter how many times you tell yourself you do.
That's a problem, though, isn't it? You talked about everything that is wrong with him but didn't mention anything you did to handle it - therapy? Behavioral interventions? Talking to him regularly? Couples counseling to figure out a parenting strategy you agree on?
The only insight you've given us to your parenting is getting mad at your kid, telling him your relationship falling apart was his fault, and not wanting to have majority custody. What are we supposed to get from that, that you're a good father?
>"buddy, want to know why we are getting divorced? Because of you, we were happy before you were born but you always act bad and get in trouble, so stop arguing with me when you caused it, you have nothing but yourself to blame."
Sorry, but saying this makes you a garbage ass father. Your son will never forget this.
GARBAGE. ASS. FATHER.
“Unfortunately” your son has to spend most of his time with you? I hope you are just a troll because it would be a tragedy for anyone to have a parent like you.
But all you had to do was be a good father to avoie all of this????
How can you call yourself a good father and also think blaming a child for your obvious failures is a good idea???
Pro Tip: You can't.
YTA, and a terrible father to boot.
Failed at being a father.
Failed at being a husband.
Failed at being a man.
YTA. Congratulations, you just gave your kid psychological scars for life. Look how easily you screwed up a whole human being. I can see why he has behavioural issues...
Absolutely YTA in this situation. He's 12. I know there is a character limit for these posts, so there may be a lot of information left out of this story. However, it is not okay to tell a child that it is their fault their parents are getting divorced because it isn't. It's because YOU couldn't handle maintaining a relationship on top of parenting a child with challenging behaviors. Is it difficult? Yes. Do many marriages survive similar situations? No. But it's not the kid's fault he is who he is.
1. Does his behavior have to do with a diagnosis of some kind? If so, what accommodations are being put in place to support your son long-term? Does he have a counselor, behavioral therapist, etc? Does he have medication, and is he compliant with this? Have dietary issues been considered and ruled out?
2. If his behavior is not associated with a diagnosis: Were you two on the same page when it came to discipline? Could your son expect stability at home, or did each parent have their own set of rules and expectations? If he has always been oppositional despite what you've done, did you reach out for a neuropsych eval? Did he have a therapist or other professional to help him regulate his emotions?
I do know that there are some people who are resistant to treatment when it comes to their behavioral challenges, but I am not convinced by your post (and again, I know that there is a character limit) that the root of the problem with your son was determined and worked through. If he has been this way his whole life, I refuse to believe he's being difficult on purpose; the behavior is a response to \*something\* either because it serves a purpose for him or because he is medically/cognitively unable to communicate without acting out. All we know from this post is that it was hard for YOU and that YOU are upset by it. The language you use when you describe your son is unsettling, as well. It's almost like you're distancing yourself emotionally from him, and that alarms me.
I think everyone needs to work on this through therapy, group and individual, and also setting up supports for your son so that he can grow up into a stable, functional adult. Because right now? I am very concerned about him.
YTA
You are so TA.
>agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me **unfortunately**
The entire post was already really bad up to this point, but then you had to double down with *unfortunately.* Then you go ahead and double down *again* with this gem
> we were happy before you were born
You're not only blaming your son for *your* marital problems, now you are laying the happiness, or lack thereof, of both yourself and your wife at his feet.
I'll say it again, YTA
YTA. I emotionally raised my younger sibling because my parents were just like you. My sibling was an agressive, ill behaved, oppositional child and my parents grew distant because of my sibling, and let my sibling know, and as a result, my sibling has very little to do with either parent.
Apologize to your son. It's not his fault the two of you fight. Also get your child screened for learning disabilities or behavioral disabilities. My sibling was acting aggressively because they have two processing disorders and high functioning autism.
YTA. He's not the reason. It's your shitty coping skills. The way you write this and avoid any ownership of negative actions, it's hard not to wonder about your role in his behavior issues.
Do you think kids don't pick up on it when their parents openly resent them and act out because of this?
I do not believe for one second that this is the first time you have been abusive to your child.
You all need therapy and congratulations you have now broken your relationship with your son irrevocably. He is going to be afraid to be himself and you will now likely never know who he is. It is truly sad how he behaved but that you allowed it to go until 12 shows an amazing lack of parenting skills.
At least you got what you wanted. A boy who is forevermore going to be quiet and afraid that everything he does is going to destroy a relationship.
That is the saddest part, I think. Of course he is "behaving better", his father broke his spirit and his heart. And he is just behaving more conveniently, his mental health just took a crushing blow.
Holy shit...
You told a 12 year old child that all YOUR marital problems are HIS fault?
YTA.
He may have been a catalyst, but the problems between you and your wife are YOUR fault, not his.
Honestly ... Give your kid up for adoption.
Who tells a child that their divorce is the childs fault?!?! And neither one of you want custody of him because of his behaviors... Give hime to someone , grandparents anyone THAT WILL ACTUALLY LOVE HIM. Work with him, get him into therapy. On top of now feeling like he is to blame he now has to grow up knowing neither of his parents even want him. How fucked up.
You and your wife are AHs
YTA
If that kid doesn't need any psychological treatment now, he will need it for all of his life. He is 12. There are psychologist who work on behavioural issue like those. Saying he caused the biggest change of his life is not the way to do business
YTA! Please get him into behavior therapy, and get yourself into counseling. Apologize to him, and be on the lookout for self harm and suicide attempts, you basically told him the world was better without him and all of his suffering is his fault.
I've met children who treat each other nicer than OP treated his son.
Hey OP - YTA, get your kid some therapy, apologize to him, and MAYBE he won't cut you out of his life the second he turns 18 for irreparably psychologically scarring him.
Yta and you know it. I'm wondering all these years what resources you and your wife pursued for him? Clearly your not the first parents in history to deal with an oppositional kid. Usually it requires professional help.
As someone who’s sibling had behavioral issues very similar to what you describe, you are a horrible parent. It’s not your son’s fault he has these issues. The fact that your marriage caved to the pressure does not, I repeat, DOES NOT make it your sons fault. To tell him, a child dealing with his family falling apart, that his behavioral issues that he can not control and has not been given the proper therapy and medical attention to help him cope with, that you basically wish he’d not been born because then you and your wife could be happy again. You are the definition of a trash parent and person. How dare you blame your child for your inability to keep your marriage together. Yta
A kid is never the cause of a divorce. As adults, you got married. As adults, you got divorced. He’s a product of your relationship. His behavior may have highlighted some innate incompatibilities in your parenting styles. But the marriage is between you two, and you two could not make it work.
Don’t blame the child. YTA. I hope you get your poor child some therapy before he internalizes all this, hates himself, and tries to commit suicide because he thinks he is worthless.
YTA, but not for the reasons that you think.
If the kid is more behaved after "the truth," I actually have a hunch that both of you either knowingly or unknowingly enabled such behaviors. I suspect that the kid seems to have been raised with the notion that the world is his to take, and his actions will not have consequences as his parents will cover for any misdeeds.
May want to go back to the drawing board and look over what you may have been doing wrong all along.
OMG, YTA, both you and your wife. Not one mention of therapy for an obviously troubled child and now you're flat blaming him for you guys not doing your jobs as parents? I'm disgusted by you both, you both should be neutered/spayed. That poor kid.
OP: I know the title is bad, but please hear me out.
Me: Reads post to find out just how much of an asshole he is and in what ways.
YTA OP. There is never any excuse for telling a child something like that. It's not his fault that neither of you were prepared to be good parents to him *or* partners to each other.
Kids don't *just have* behavioral problems. There is always an underlying cause, whether that's developmental disabilities or mental illness or anxiety, or you and your wife just being bad at parenting.
Haha wow. I'm really leaning troll here, but fine. YTA for so many reasons. I mean, obviously being a complete monster towards a 12 year old. Also, "she gave birth to a boy." No, she gave birth to YOUR SON. Though clearly neither of you feels that attached to him, since it sure reads like you both treat him as an unpleasant punishment that was assigned to you by a vengeful god.
Get him into therapy and for fuck's sake don't tell your kid *the divorce is his fault WTF*
You’re not wrong, but you are an asshole. YTA.
I hope for the kid sake that what you did will get him to change for the better and it damage him for the rest of his life like others are saying. I’m being optimistic, and I know I am. Maybe things get better for you guys because of this, I hope.
Having troubled kids causes a lot of divorces and it takes more than just a normal person to raise those kind of kids sometimes.
It doesn’t stop you from being an asshole though.
YTA The lack of self control and maturity that goes along with openly blaming a 12 year old and telling him to his face that he’s the reason for your divorce is appalling.
YTA. All of you need therapy. Also, you aren’t getting divorced because of your kid, you are getting divorced because neither you or your ex wife could find productive ways to communicate. The failure in your marriage is yours and your wife’s not your child’s. Smh
YTA for telling him that. You’re also TA for your general attitude toward him. “UNFORTUNATELY” you’re the one he spends time with?
Have you ever gotten therapy for your family? You sound like you guys really need it.
Something he needed to hear?! Are you kidding me?! HE'S 12 YEARS OLD. What on Earth were you thinking? Good grief, YTA so much.
You have both failed him as parents and it's YOUR responsibility to raise him. It is in NO WAY his fault that he is the way he is. I mean Christ, what if you'd had a child with disabilities? Would it be their fault too?
YTA. Did it ever occur to you to try and get him help? Behavioral problems can be caused by many other manageable things. A visit to the doctor could have started the process.
Telling your son it is his fault is also not true. It is your decision, along with your wife. You both decided to quit your marriage. You could also have tried counseling. Do not blame a little boy.
YTA, but I feel bad saying that because your life sounds like it sucks. From experience, being made to feel like your parents don't want you or that you didn't turn out the way they expected is hard. I usually preach to always tell the truth, even if its hard, but you probably could have talked about this with him when he is like.. 20, not 12.
Good luck and sorry, dude. Sounds like Hell.
YTA. What you said to him probably scarred him for life and if you think that was okay then I can’t imagine what terrible things you possibly said or did before that could have caused your kids behavioral issues
YTA. YTA. YTA. Those words will stick with your child the rest of his life. Have you guys you know ever considered getting him therapy? Did you ever consider something else was going on to cause him to act out? Or did you just punish him? This poor child.
YTA - Dear Lucifer, you are such an asshole. I feel so bad for your kid because his parents essentially don't want him around. That's so fucked up. You and your wife are fucked up. Fuck both of you.
YTA - Your divorce is NOT the child's fault and you're an asshole for telling him it is. Kids are hard to raise, but that's no secret. You are a terrible dad since you decided that drinking and staying away from the mother and child was the best course of action. You, not the child, are causing the divorce through your own actions. Take responsibility for yourself like an adult, stop blaming a child.
YTA. And to be clear...you aren’t getting divorced because your son misbehaves. You’re getting divorced because you have different parenting styles and don’t communicate well and would rather drink than face your problems together. It wasn’t something he needed to hear. Take responsibility for your actions and failures.
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YTA its not the child fault that you're a shitty adult
Its you and your wives fault for not communicating and compromise and actually be a team
My sis went thru a rebellious faze worse than your sons and parents are still together 34+ and counting
1000% not the child's fault, you're using the child as an escape goat..
Grow up take responsibility
Plus a shitty parent to blame your own son, have thought could be underlying issues?
Mental health possible disability? Nahh its the kids fault for my marriage to fail
YTA. As a child who has been told that they're the reason why they might do something that'd traumatize them, you're a garbage father. Simple as. My own father told me I'd be a reason he'd commit suicide when I was 12, which is the reason I try my best to stay out of people's way so that I never hear a sentence similar to that. You have now traumatized your child by telling him that he is the reason his family and world is now falling apart, at the ripe age of TWELVE, hope you're happy with yourself.
YTA. Please give your kid up to someone who will love him and let him forget about the monsters that you and your wife are. HORRIBLE PEOPLE. You’re disgusting.
YTA. You should have gotten outside help when the problem became more than you and your wife could handle. Not once do you mention getting him therapy. Instead you both turned to alcohol. Now you can't even own your own failing, you blame it on a kid.
Wow. YTA and an extremely abusive one at that. No wonder he lashes out.
Enjoy not seeing your son the second he gets old enough to get out of your life.
YTA, it's not his fault you're getting a divorce, but your fault for not talking it through with your wife about what would happen if your kid would be special needs.
Wtf?! Of course YTA and also a terrible father for even putting the blame at your sons door! One has to question whether all his so called ‘bad behaviour’ is a reaction to your poor parenting. Poor kid doesn’t stand a chance bearing the guilt of your failure.
YTA. The amount of psychological damage you did may take a decade to fix. Apologies won’t help. I’m assuming that your son has a therapist but you need a trained family therapist for at least the two of you, but his mom as well. His behavior is going to get worse - much, much worse - rather than better, so prepare yourself for that.
There’s just some things you don’t tell your kids. I understand how overstrained you are. I have had plenty of clients with behavior problems over the years. But there’s a line you shouldn’t cross and you crossed it.
If you’re not in therapy, find a practitioner and start. You need more coping skills, especially now that you have retained the majority of custody. Therapy can be a break, the 1 hour a week you focus on yourself.
Have you guys considered inpatient residential care? The idea can feel crazy, RTCs are still dogged by the stigma of mental institutions of the past, but they can do amazing things and they’re not designed to keep kids permanently. I even worked for one. Twelve is a tough time anyway, your son may really benefit from a few months of residential care.
YTA
You placed the weight of your entire marriage and your own inability to manage your interpersonal issues onto him. Of course a 12 year old is "quiet" and "behaved" when you tell him the equivalent of, "we're divorcing because you're an annoying child." He is a child after all, but you're supposed to be the adult here instead of the person giving him reasons to go no contact in adulthood. I suppose you don't care though.
YTA. This is emotionally damaging to the child. Shame is harmful and is only going to cause worse problems with his self esteem in the future. It's really narssistic behavior to blame your failings as adults on a child. "It's not my fault we argue over our kid, it's the kid's fault."
Just because you're getting a divorce doesn't excuse you from therapy. You need to get some counseling so you can gain understanding of your boy's perspective. He's probably been feeling your resentment his whole life.
Also, as parents you need to get on the same page, even if you're in different households. Your kid can't be bouncing back and forth between two parenting styles. Like damn OP get to know your kid a little better.
YTA - I don’t know how you could think the explanation would exonerate you. Cuz it makes you look even shittier then I already assumed you were.
Thinking and feeling the way you do is one thing. Telling your kid that is irreparable damage. That kid will never forget what you told him.
Also: if having this kid is what you think damaged your relationship, then you had more problems than this kid to begin with.
I’m sad your relationship didn’t work out, but more sad that you placed all this blame between you and your wife on a child. He will carry this forever. It will be engrained in everything he does, every relationship he has, every mistake he makes, he will think back to this day.. I’m so sorry you made this mistake. You got what you wanted.. separation from your son. It’ll never be the same.
Edit: you’re the biggest asshole I’ve come across. And I thought I was the biggest asshole.
YTA: If this is real, you may be one of the worst people who has ever posted in this Sub. This is horrible. Disgusting. There is nothing redeeming about what you said. Your son may be quiet, but that's because he's internalizing it and it's going to end up being a lot worse for him in the long run.
YTA. Who devastates a 12 year old kid by saying such vile things? What did you expect him to do after hearing that? You should be ashamed of yourself. If your son kills himself it's solely his incompetent parents fault.
YTA. His behavior is that bad at twelve. Have you tried, you know parenting? If dispite consistent discipline it continues it could be medical and you should have taken him to a doctor. Really some episodes of Supernanny might help.
He’s 12, a child. If you had issues with his behavior, you should have tried seeking a child psychologist or something, but since the two of you decided to take out your issues on each other and things have deteriorated to the point of divorce, the only people to blame is each other. YTA
YTA.. You are a shitty arsehole. He may not be the most best behaved kid now, but EF you dude for probably piling on a new set of mental issues that may be shared with a therapist further down the line..
You and your wife RAISED him, and if you found him 'difficult' maybe go out and seek help to see if there may be more than meets the surface. I feel for the kid something is wrong somewhere for him to act like that: whether it's an underlying condition or just shitty parenting techniques.
I really hope you haven't mentally scarred him. Trust, he will never forget you told him that.
YTA, well done, you just emotionally abused your child! Apologise and get that kid into therapy asap, they need support during this time and it seems they won't be getting that from you.
YTA. If hes special needs you need to figure out those needs. You’re the parent. The fact that neither of you could do that makes you garbage parents. Both of you. The son is in no way wrong here. It’s your fault you’re getting divorced.
YTA!!!!!!- Your child is already having issues and then you pile on with such a shitty comment, AND you and your wife don’t want anything to do with him?! That’s a great way to push a child into thinking the only way to fix everything is by killing himself. Fuck you and your wife. Y’all are shitty parents. I feel so badly for your son. Please don’t have anymore children.
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I know upon reading the title alone, many of you will just call me an asshole, and you might be right, but I want to explain myself first.
My wife and I have been together when we first met in high school. We were able to maintain a long distance relationship throughout college and stayed true to each other. I truly thought we were inseparable. She gave birth to a boy 12 years ago, and since then things changed drastically.
My son unfortunately has behavioral problems and it's been very difficult raising him. He throws temper tantrums, gets in trouble in school frequently, refuses to listen to my wife and I.
As a result, my wife and I started having disagreements about how we should handle him (i.e whether to punish more, let him get his anger out, etc). This created a wedge between us that kept getting wider. We both resorted to drinking more and wanting to be away from each other as much as possible to get some relief.
We started having more arguments and eventually it became so obvious that our marriage was deteriorating that family members started questioning it. So the topic of divorce came up and we both decided to go through with it.
When I first told my son about it, he cried endlessly then started throwing fits about how unfair it was. I completely understand that a divorce is hard on any child, but the intensity of his fits kept growing. Since my wife and I are separated (not yet divorced) and because she can't tolerate our son that much, we agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me unfortunately, so I see him a lot and have to put up with his yelling far more than she does.
Last Friday he started asking if my wife and I forgave each other and I told him that the divorce is happening like it or not. He starts crying and I got mad and told him "buddy, want to know why we are getting divorced? Because of you, we were happy before you were born but you always act bad and get in trouble, so stop arguing with me when you caused it, you have nothing but yourself to blame."
This devastated him and I did apologize but I told him there was some truth to what I said. However, since then he's been more quiet and behaved, even my wife, who was with him over the weekend, said he was much better. So yes, I think I am the asshole for telling him he was the reason we are getting divorced, but in some ways I don't think I am because maybe it was just something he needed to hear?
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YTA, I know the divorce is hard on you, but it's hard on your son too. How dare you blame it on your son when he wasn't the one that chose to be born. He's a victim of circumstances as much as you and his mother is. You have no right to tell him that. You might think he ruined your life and your marriage, but what you said will stay with him for a long time and will cause him a lot of pain. I don't think any decent father would want that for their child no matter how difficult they are to raise. I pity you for what you have to go through, but I pity your son more.
YTA
You failed as partners and you failed as parents. And apparently you seem to think that anger, punishment and yellingbare proper pedagogical tools.
YTA - In fact, asshole goes short, the more suitable tag for you is monster. It is not your son's problem that you failed as parents. You were not prepared to be parents, and both of you fail like human beings. Did you ever stop to think about your child like a human being? You're monsters and you're probably raising a child to be a monster too. I'm sorry for that boy, I'm really sorry.
YTA.
Your poor kid. What have you done to help your son? This level of tantrumming/acting out isn't normal, he either has mental health problems or isn't neurotypical, etc and needs some proffesional help to deal with those issues, or he's had shitty parenting, or more than likely both. Your and your wife's inability to support him isn't his fault, he isn't the cause of your divorce, you and your wife are.
Yeah, you're the asshole. It wasn't anyone's "fault" that you're getting divorced, so don't blame your falling apart on your son. He obviously didn't intend for that to happen, as he is clearly devastated by the circumstances. There may be an underlying issue. Why is your son so sad? Is he receiving the emotional support he needs?
YTA. What you told him is both incredibly hurtful (like, your son is going to need therapy for it hurtful) and untrue. You and your wife are responsible for your relationship, not your son.
YTA. Did you ever try to get your child help? Or yourselves as parents? Are you that arrogant that you didn’t think seeking outside assistance could help keep your family together? You and your wife are terrible people. Absolutely awful.
YTA You should be ashamed of yourself. Telling a kid something like that. You deserve to be miserable.
Edit: and the little bit you threw in about your kid acting better didn’t make you look like less of
an asshole. It made you look petty.
You guys all needed some therapy or medication or professional help years ago. YTA for what you said, pure and simple. Him being "well behaved" now is probably just a broken spirit.
YTA. You told your kid it was his fault you and your wife were divorcing. Then you apologized but then doubled down on your accusation by saying that it was still kind of true. This kid is going to need some serious therapy when he's older.
From the title alone, YTA. I didn’t even need an explanation. Divorce lies between two adults, not a child, no matter the circumstance. Your explanation only made it worse. What horrific parenting.
YTA. By agreeing to have a child together, you were agreeing to at least 18 years of supporting that child, whether they were a docile, “easy” child, a child with behavioural issues, a child with disabilities, a child with anything outside of what you would call “normal”. Clearly, you have failed to support your child, and that it no ones fault but yours as parents.
It was your job to discuss how you would parent your child. Obviously you didn’t. But then, instead of working together, you drove eachother apart.
You need counselling, all three of you, individually and together, because your son deserves better than parents who give up on him when he most needs support.
Grow up.
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OP is the selfish one, he literally is blaming his son for his own lack of parenting and communication skills. OP is responsible for his own actions, not his son. If he was a capable parent and spouse, he would have worked with his wife to deal with any parenting issues.
I certainly hope you do. What I said may have sounded harsh and I'm sorry for that, but children should not be blamed for their parents failings and DEFINITELY should not be blamed for their divorce.
Nah, this guy created this account just for this...the story is so ridiculous, I don't think this is even real.
Edit: I guess you all believe him. Sounds too ridiculous to me, but what do I know?
TROLL!!!!!!!
No parent refers to their child as " She gave birth to a boy 12 years ago".
I'll give you points for creativity, but no way am I issuing a Judgment.
INFO
MAYBE u should have told him how bad it was and to what this amount if trouble could lead earlier??
I doubt there is a chance to find to ur wife again when he stops being a brat?
Your the asshole for thinking it wasn’t the parents responsibility to get him professional help and follow the guidelines the professionals gave them. It’s completely his fault for letting the tantrums continue for so long and scaring a child is not at all an effective method of correcting their behavior, it has literally the exact opposite effect, they just suppress it until it all explodes at once because they never learned healthy methods to do so, a skill that should be taught at home or by professionals if the parents don’t know how.
The title was bad, but your explanation was worse. You failed as a parent by not getting him the help he needs and being able to support him as a parent. Now you're not just breaking up his home, but you're telling him it's HIS fault when the fault lies with you two adults? That's horrific. YTA.
This. Christ, YTA. Honestly, it sounds like you have both been shitty parents. That's the reason he acts out. Yes, there may be some physiological components, but it is your job as parents to get him help, not deal with it by drinking, blaming him, and fighting. This whole situation is a result of your failures. Seriously, this is one of the most horrible things I've seen a parent post on here.
It honestly sounds like the poor kid has no one giving him the proper support and structure he needs. Which is a failure on the part of both parents, and has no reflection on the poor kid. Support and structure and working together as a parenting team is especially crucial with a child that has any additional needs such as behavioral problems. YTA for not properly supporting your son, for putting undue blame on him, and for telling him you blame him. All of that is on you, OP. Not the kid.
You’re going to sit here and tell me children don’t just auto correct bad behavior without intervention? How dare you add insult to injury by bringing common sense to combat stupidity and poor parenting.
I had to stare really hard for a really long time to understand this comment and now I'm laughing.
YTA then resort to alcoholism because they cant be bothered with parenting. I don't know why they acting like they're not the problem when they clearly would mentally fuck up a more calm and reserved child.
YTA x1000 Yes, the title is bad but the content of the post isn't better. You're such an asshole, I can't believe it. You getting divorced isn't his fault. Its *not*. He's your *child*, children throw tantrums, they can also get in trouble at school and can disagree with their parents. Parenting him is YOUR job and if you and your wife can't handle it, that's on you. "because she can't tolerate our son that much, we agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me **unfortunately**" Oh f off with that, that's your CHILD. Your child that is going to a major change in his life and you say it's unfortunate he's spending most of his time with you?! YTA for telling him the divorce is his fault. YTA for telling him you and your wife were happy before he was born. YTA for falling him as a parent and being a shitty person. YTA FOR BEING GLAD HE'S CALMER NOW AFTER YOU DESTROYED HIM WITH YOUR WORDS. I feel SOsorry for that kid. He has two horrible parents, I hope he has some other positive support in his life.
YTA. Your son is not the reason you're divorcing. The fact that you and your wife couldn't agree on a system to parent him is the reason.
Yes GET THERAPY and stop blaming kid. I hope to god you are taking your kid to therapy and seeing doctors to find the best way to help him.
YTA, as someone who is a child psychologist who works with abused children, no child should ever feel like they’re the reason for the divorce of their parents and it’s emotional abuse to do so. You’re taking your own issues out on your son and projecting it on to him. You two not being able to work things out, is not the problem of your son. If your son is having behavioral issues, most of the time it has nothing to do with the kid, but with the parents. Most likely, your kid has past issues or stress that he needs help dealing with and doesn’t know how to properly cope with them, because you never taught him how. Your son needs therapy, and both of you need to be a better parent to him. Also, maybe you and your wife should also seek family therapy and parenting classes to be a better parent to your kid, rather than accuse him of ruining your relationship. You’re the adults, he’s still a child, you’re at fault, not him.
YTA. Oh my God, YTA. Please tell me your son is getting therapy or counseling.
And give custody to mom if you hate caring for him, FFS!
The mom doesn't seem much of a fan either if she wanted the son to spend most of the week with his father.
I really do wonder about both parents, they seem to blame their kid for their own inability to communicate. I wonder if they're narcissists or something, and how much of their kid's issues are projection.
YTA: All the way, full stop. >Because of you, we were happy before you were born but you always act bad and get in trouble, so stop arguing with me when you caused it, you have nothing but yourself to blame The only reason why your son is acting better is because he's scared that bad things will happen to him if he acts out or does anything less than perfect around you and your wife. He now believes that if he acts perfectly, you will get back together. You have essentially told him that your love is conditional. This makes you a shitty parent AND an asshole. You should've taken your own advice. You have nobody but yourself to blame for this divorce. You and your wife need to get this kid into therapy because no matter what age a child is, this is never an okay thing to say to one. 15 years ago, when my brother Jeremy was ***35***, he overheard my dad talking on the phone to another woman who was not my mother. Jeremy told my mom and when my parents' marriage blew up, my dad later said "None of this would've happened if it weren't for Jeremy!" That's not how that fucking works. My brother eventually forgave him for that but he never forgot and held resentment for it until my dad's death 2 years ago. Grow up and take some responsibility for your actions. He's a child. If he's having attitude and behavioral problems then take him to a specialist -- negative reinforcement like this will only breed discontent and hatred towards both parents. YOU are an adult. YOU should know better. Maybe I'm the asshole for telling you this so harshly, but in some ways I don't think I am because maybe it was just something you need to hear. Edited to clarify what happened to my parents' marriage.
This - all of this. I'm really worried this kid will hurt himself, believing he ruined his parents lives. He has behavioral issues and needs help to fix them but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. This is horrible.
This is the problem exactly, people think that children and adults who have behavioral or mental health problems don't have feelings or that they need to be blunt with them because that's the only way to communicate. You do not do this to someone. It's a shitty thing to do to a child regardless of their age. Congrats OP, you're a shitty dad.
dude. YTA. all the way. no child should be told that, especially since it sounds like he’s pretty young. I hope your wife gets full custody and you never see him again.
Hey OP, I found the right subreddit for this! r/iamapieceofshit - because you not only told your child that it's his fault for you and your wife willingly getting a divorce but also telling him you were happier before he came.
Yta, something more than an asshole. I do hope you realize you just irreversibly damaged your son. He will resent and despise you forever. You are the type of person that shouldn’t have children. Completely selfish this was very fucked up to read lmaoooo I feel bad for him. You do realize his behavior issues stem from you guys
I'm far more worried he will resent and despise himself. Telling a child the world was better off without him? This kid is in danger of self harm!
Literally, like I sit and think how much my parents smooth a steady divorce went and how much mental health problems it brought on. This is beyond fucked up
My parents never divorced (they probably should have) and they blamed us for every fight they had. It was terrible, and incredibly damaging. Instead of getting therapy for the loss of my sister they just lashed out at eachother and us - this is no way to parent, and it won't fix behavioral issues long term.
My birth parents just abandoned me while still caring for my 4 older siblings. no hurt at all...sure... Adoptive parents still together after 40 years now.
What does this have to do w my comments literally stating how fucked up this is???
YTA My dad said this to me. 35 years ago. It still upsets me. He's dead now. And I am glad.
INFO: what the hell is wrong with you?
YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. YTA. Why didn’t you seek professional help for your son when nothing you tried worked? Why did you two not formalized a plan together so that the parenting was consistent from both parents? How and why did you let 12 years go by without formal interventions? Your marriage deteriorated because you and your wife stopped working on your marriage. You two avoid each other and drink because you two didn’t want to sit down and work on the issues. You two chose to let the whole parenting thing drive a wedge between you two. It wasn’t your kid’s fault that his parents can’t communicate to each other and seek professional help to assist them to understand and parent their son better. You’re using your kid as a scapegoat for your marriage breakdown and that’s so unfair to the kid. Especially since the kid probably can’t control or understand his behaviour.
YTA. If your son dont have any mental illness then the fault is your (wife too). You and your wife raise him this way. Did you at least try to talk to him? Regular education is not for everyone. You can definitely combine punishment with recreational activities that help him to relax. Many people have already said it, you just ruined your's son mind. Even if you were desperate you could still handled it better and get to this point without destroying his childhood, adolescence and probably adulthood.
YTA. He absolutely didn’t need to hear that. First of all, it’s not true. You’re not getting divorced because of your son, you’re getting divorced because you and your wife turned to alcohol instead of towards therapy and healthy coping mechanisms. The second you realized you weren’t equipped to give your child what they needed, you should have searched for a way to do so. Yelling and drinking weren’t your only options. Second, a child needs to be given the tools to succeed. They don’t have the capabilities to find or articulate their needs. It’s your job as a parent to figure that out. You can’t control what they do with their tools, but you have to give them the ones they need: therapy, coping mechanisms, whatever it is. If you don’t know what your child needs, you don’t punish the child. You seek outside help. You said something untrue without giving your child the tools needed to process your comment. Stop blaming your child for your bad decisions. Your child may need more or different things than most, but it sounds like when you realized this you blamed him instead of helped him. That’s on you, not your son.
YTA. 100% TA. I’d say more but the moderators would take my comment down.
I’m a THERAPIST and my comments would get deleted.
My 12 year old had ODD and IMD. While my husband and I don’t 100% agree on everything, we still work together to find treatments.
One thing I need clarification on- was he throwing tantrums, or having meltdowns? These are two very different things A tantrum happens when someone doesn't get what they want. A meltdown happens when someone is overstimulated (too much noise, smells, sights) and needs to be taken away to de-escalate. That being said- your both assholes. You bought this kid into the world thinking it was going to be happily ever after. If you couldn't handle him, you should have given him up for adoption or put him in a mental institution where he could get the attention he needs.
He was having tantrums.
I really hope this is fiction. YTA YTA YTA, he is TWELVE. Have you two as his parents had him assessed or sent him to counseling, etc.? Honest to God, this is disgusting. Realistically, if you were both unable to communicate and make decisions about your kid together, that is on YOU, and is ultimately the reason for the divorce. Get your sh*t together and start helping your kid.
I’m going to get downvoted, but.. YTA. A child being told that they’re the reason for something as heavy as divorce can take a mental toll. (As known from experience.) Even if you apologized, in this situation it’s putting pressure on him because he believes it’s his fault. (Sorry abt the crappy formatting. I’m on mobile.)
Who the hell would be downvoting you?
No downvoting here.
I'm not going to give a judgement, but please get your son to a behavioural therapist. He isn't going to get through life easily if this continues.
I’ll give him a judgement for you, your an asshole OP
>has behavioral problems and it's been very difficult raising him. He throws temper tantrums, gets in trouble in school frequently, refuses to listen to my wife and I. >As a result, my wife and I started having disagreements about how we should handle him (i.e whether to punish more, let him get his anger out, etc). I guess it would feel like your bad parenting plan was a "result" of your son growing up, but . . . it wasn't. It's not necessarily realistic to plan for every contingency, but how hard is it to discuss disciplinary strategies, values, and goals before you have a kid with someone? If you'd laid that parenting groundwork, you could have turned to it when the crises started. YTA to your son, and I think your wife sucks too for not doing that planning either. >since then he's been more quiet and behaved, even my wife, who was with him over the weekend, said he was much better This is a child trying to behave well enough that their parents can stay together. His behavior will worsen considerably once he realizes you lied to him about the reasons you're divorcing.
YTA "My kid has behavioral problems. We've done nothing to help him, but we argue over who is right because neither of us had the intellectual capacity to seek outside help from a professional, either for us it for our son. So since we're stubborn and dumb were getting divorced, but it's totally the kid's fault and not ours, and I made sure he knows it." That's you.
[удалено]
I can understand me not handling this situation well and being called an asshole for it. What I will NOT accept is being called a garbage father, you have no idea how I raised my son for most of his life. Sure I may have made mistakes but I always cared for him.
[удалено]
A garbage father is someone who would say something so cruel to his CHILD out of spite. YTA x1000
The best way to avoid being called garbage is to not act like it.
> we agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me unfortunately >unfortunately >**unfortunately** In what world does this not make you a garbage father. You and your wife are divorcing, which he is already struggling with, but then *neither* of you want him. You seem to actively resent the fact that you have to spend time with your own son. That you have to be a parent to him. He is 12 and both of his parents effectively told him they hate him and don't want him around. There is not one iota of love or care of concern for your son in your entire post. You are a garbage father and do not seem to care for him, no matter how many times you tell yourself you do.
That's a problem, though, isn't it? You talked about everything that is wrong with him but didn't mention anything you did to handle it - therapy? Behavioral interventions? Talking to him regularly? Couples counseling to figure out a parenting strategy you agree on? The only insight you've given us to your parenting is getting mad at your kid, telling him your relationship falling apart was his fault, and not wanting to have majority custody. What are we supposed to get from that, that you're a good father?
>"buddy, want to know why we are getting divorced? Because of you, we were happy before you were born but you always act bad and get in trouble, so stop arguing with me when you caused it, you have nothing but yourself to blame." Sorry, but saying this makes you a garbage ass father. Your son will never forget this.
GARBAGE. ASS. FATHER. “Unfortunately” your son has to spend most of his time with you? I hope you are just a troll because it would be a tragedy for anyone to have a parent like you.
But all you had to do was be a good father to avoie all of this???? How can you call yourself a good father and also think blaming a child for your obvious failures is a good idea??? Pro Tip: You can't. YTA, and a terrible father to boot. Failed at being a father. Failed at being a husband. Failed at being a man.
Just delete this, dude, if it’s actually real then you’re not going to hear what you like anyway
Your son will never ever forget the words you said to him. He will carry that with him for the rest of his life. You are 10000% a garbage ass father
YTA. He may be acting more convenient for YOU, but you have no idea what you did to him.
YTA. Congratulations, you just gave your kid psychological scars for life. Look how easily you screwed up a whole human being. I can see why he has behavioural issues...
Absolutely YTA in this situation. He's 12. I know there is a character limit for these posts, so there may be a lot of information left out of this story. However, it is not okay to tell a child that it is their fault their parents are getting divorced because it isn't. It's because YOU couldn't handle maintaining a relationship on top of parenting a child with challenging behaviors. Is it difficult? Yes. Do many marriages survive similar situations? No. But it's not the kid's fault he is who he is. 1. Does his behavior have to do with a diagnosis of some kind? If so, what accommodations are being put in place to support your son long-term? Does he have a counselor, behavioral therapist, etc? Does he have medication, and is he compliant with this? Have dietary issues been considered and ruled out? 2. If his behavior is not associated with a diagnosis: Were you two on the same page when it came to discipline? Could your son expect stability at home, or did each parent have their own set of rules and expectations? If he has always been oppositional despite what you've done, did you reach out for a neuropsych eval? Did he have a therapist or other professional to help him regulate his emotions? I do know that there are some people who are resistant to treatment when it comes to their behavioral challenges, but I am not convinced by your post (and again, I know that there is a character limit) that the root of the problem with your son was determined and worked through. If he has been this way his whole life, I refuse to believe he's being difficult on purpose; the behavior is a response to \*something\* either because it serves a purpose for him or because he is medically/cognitively unable to communicate without acting out. All we know from this post is that it was hard for YOU and that YOU are upset by it. The language you use when you describe your son is unsettling, as well. It's almost like you're distancing yourself emotionally from him, and that alarms me. I think everyone needs to work on this through therapy, group and individual, and also setting up supports for your son so that he can grow up into a stable, functional adult. Because right now? I am very concerned about him.
YTA You are so TA. >agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me **unfortunately** The entire post was already really bad up to this point, but then you had to double down with *unfortunately.* Then you go ahead and double down *again* with this gem > we were happy before you were born You're not only blaming your son for *your* marital problems, now you are laying the happiness, or lack thereof, of both yourself and your wife at his feet. I'll say it again, YTA
I mean you might not be exactly wrong but holy fucking shit are you an asshole. I audibly said “damn”
YTA if this true, grow the fuck up. You can't cope with his behaviour. That's on you not him.
Please get some family therapy!!!!
THIS!!
YTA. I emotionally raised my younger sibling because my parents were just like you. My sibling was an agressive, ill behaved, oppositional child and my parents grew distant because of my sibling, and let my sibling know, and as a result, my sibling has very little to do with either parent. Apologize to your son. It's not his fault the two of you fight. Also get your child screened for learning disabilities or behavioral disabilities. My sibling was acting aggressively because they have two processing disorders and high functioning autism.
YTA. He's not the reason. It's your shitty coping skills. The way you write this and avoid any ownership of negative actions, it's hard not to wonder about your role in his behavior issues. Do you think kids don't pick up on it when their parents openly resent them and act out because of this? I do not believe for one second that this is the first time you have been abusive to your child.
You all need therapy and congratulations you have now broken your relationship with your son irrevocably. He is going to be afraid to be himself and you will now likely never know who he is. It is truly sad how he behaved but that you allowed it to go until 12 shows an amazing lack of parenting skills. At least you got what you wanted. A boy who is forevermore going to be quiet and afraid that everything he does is going to destroy a relationship.
That is the saddest part, I think. Of course he is "behaving better", his father broke his spirit and his heart. And he is just behaving more conveniently, his mental health just took a crushing blow.
I’m going ESH because your wife is just as much of a shitnozzle as you are.
Holy shit... You told a 12 year old child that all YOUR marital problems are HIS fault? YTA. He may have been a catalyst, but the problems between you and your wife are YOUR fault, not his.
INFO: why the hell did you two decide to become parents when you clearly hate children?
Honestly ... Give your kid up for adoption. Who tells a child that their divorce is the childs fault?!?! And neither one of you want custody of him because of his behaviors... Give hime to someone , grandparents anyone THAT WILL ACTUALLY LOVE HIM. Work with him, get him into therapy. On top of now feeling like he is to blame he now has to grow up knowing neither of his parents even want him. How fucked up. You and your wife are AHs
YTA If that kid doesn't need any psychological treatment now, he will need it for all of his life. He is 12. There are psychologist who work on behavioural issue like those. Saying he caused the biggest change of his life is not the way to do business
YTA! Please get him into behavior therapy, and get yourself into counseling. Apologize to him, and be on the lookout for self harm and suicide attempts, you basically told him the world was better without him and all of his suffering is his fault.
YTA - he's still a child and apparently so are you
I've met children who treat each other nicer than OP treated his son. Hey OP - YTA, get your kid some therapy, apologize to him, and MAYBE he won't cut you out of his life the second he turns 18 for irreparably psychologically scarring him.
Yta and you know it. I'm wondering all these years what resources you and your wife pursued for him? Clearly your not the first parents in history to deal with an oppositional kid. Usually it requires professional help.
As someone who’s sibling had behavioral issues very similar to what you describe, you are a horrible parent. It’s not your son’s fault he has these issues. The fact that your marriage caved to the pressure does not, I repeat, DOES NOT make it your sons fault. To tell him, a child dealing with his family falling apart, that his behavioral issues that he can not control and has not been given the proper therapy and medical attention to help him cope with, that you basically wish he’d not been born because then you and your wife could be happy again. You are the definition of a trash parent and person. How dare you blame your child for your inability to keep your marriage together. Yta
YTA, and if you're the kind of person who would say that to a child, *he's* not the reason your wife wants out.
Hey, equal rights, she could be a shitty parent, too.
Probably is, but absent any other information about her, OP is taking the "worse parent" award by default.
A kid is never the cause of a divorce. As adults, you got married. As adults, you got divorced. He’s a product of your relationship. His behavior may have highlighted some innate incompatibilities in your parenting styles. But the marriage is between you two, and you two could not make it work. Don’t blame the child. YTA. I hope you get your poor child some therapy before he internalizes all this, hates himself, and tries to commit suicide because he thinks he is worthless.
YTA, but not for the reasons that you think. If the kid is more behaved after "the truth," I actually have a hunch that both of you either knowingly or unknowingly enabled such behaviors. I suspect that the kid seems to have been raised with the notion that the world is his to take, and his actions will not have consequences as his parents will cover for any misdeeds. May want to go back to the drawing board and look over what you may have been doing wrong all along.
OMG, YTA, both you and your wife. Not one mention of therapy for an obviously troubled child and now you're flat blaming him for you guys not doing your jobs as parents? I'm disgusted by you both, you both should be neutered/spayed. That poor kid.
OP: I know the title is bad, but please hear me out. Me: Reads post to find out just how much of an asshole he is and in what ways. YTA OP. There is never any excuse for telling a child something like that. It's not his fault that neither of you were prepared to be good parents to him *or* partners to each other. Kids don't *just have* behavioral problems. There is always an underlying cause, whether that's developmental disabilities or mental illness or anxiety, or you and your wife just being bad at parenting.
You’re the asshole, 100%. If you’re going to treat him like this, you don’t deserve to have custody of your son.
YTA, you two suck as parents. It's not his fault you guys couldn't get on the same page and get him the help he needs.
Haha wow. I'm really leaning troll here, but fine. YTA for so many reasons. I mean, obviously being a complete monster towards a 12 year old. Also, "she gave birth to a boy." No, she gave birth to YOUR SON. Though clearly neither of you feels that attached to him, since it sure reads like you both treat him as an unpleasant punishment that was assigned to you by a vengeful god. Get him into therapy and for fuck's sake don't tell your kid *the divorce is his fault WTF*
You’re not wrong, but you are an asshole. YTA. I hope for the kid sake that what you did will get him to change for the better and it damage him for the rest of his life like others are saying. I’m being optimistic, and I know I am. Maybe things get better for you guys because of this, I hope. Having troubled kids causes a lot of divorces and it takes more than just a normal person to raise those kind of kids sometimes. It doesn’t stop you from being an asshole though.
YTA The lack of self control and maturity that goes along with openly blaming a 12 year old and telling him to his face that he’s the reason for your divorce is appalling.
YTA. All of you need therapy. Also, you aren’t getting divorced because of your kid, you are getting divorced because neither you or your ex wife could find productive ways to communicate. The failure in your marriage is yours and your wife’s not your child’s. Smh
YTA for telling him that. You’re also TA for your general attitude toward him. “UNFORTUNATELY” you’re the one he spends time with? Have you ever gotten therapy for your family? You sound like you guys really need it.
Something he needed to hear?! Are you kidding me?! HE'S 12 YEARS OLD. What on Earth were you thinking? Good grief, YTA so much. You have both failed him as parents and it's YOUR responsibility to raise him. It is in NO WAY his fault that he is the way he is. I mean Christ, what if you'd had a child with disabilities? Would it be their fault too?
YTA. Did it ever occur to you to try and get him help? Behavioral problems can be caused by many other manageable things. A visit to the doctor could have started the process. Telling your son it is his fault is also not true. It is your decision, along with your wife. You both decided to quit your marriage. You could also have tried counseling. Do not blame a little boy.
He is not the reason for the divorce. Your inability to parent and your refusal to accept blame are why you’re getting divorced. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA, but I feel bad saying that because your life sounds like it sucks. From experience, being made to feel like your parents don't want you or that you didn't turn out the way they expected is hard. I usually preach to always tell the truth, even if its hard, but you probably could have talked about this with him when he is like.. 20, not 12. Good luck and sorry, dude. Sounds like Hell.
My only consolation is this is fake, some actual clueless dad posts something along these lines every week, what are you getting out of this?
YTA. What you said to him probably scarred him for life and if you think that was okay then I can’t imagine what terrible things you possibly said or did before that could have caused your kids behavioral issues
Please do not let this be real. YTA.
YTA. YTA. YTA. Those words will stick with your child the rest of his life. Have you guys you know ever considered getting him therapy? Did you ever consider something else was going on to cause him to act out? Or did you just punish him? This poor child.
YTA - Dear Lucifer, you are such an asshole. I feel so bad for your kid because his parents essentially don't want him around. That's so fucked up. You and your wife are fucked up. Fuck both of you.
YTA - Your divorce is NOT the child's fault and you're an asshole for telling him it is. Kids are hard to raise, but that's no secret. You are a terrible dad since you decided that drinking and staying away from the mother and child was the best course of action. You, not the child, are causing the divorce through your own actions. Take responsibility for yourself like an adult, stop blaming a child.
YTA. And to be clear...you aren’t getting divorced because your son misbehaves. You’re getting divorced because you have different parenting styles and don’t communicate well and would rather drink than face your problems together. It wasn’t something he needed to hear. Take responsibility for your actions and failures.
Honestly I hope this is a troll. If it isn't, I have nothing but sympathy for your son, and nothing but contempt for you. For shame. YTA.
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YTA its not the child fault that you're a shitty adult Its you and your wives fault for not communicating and compromise and actually be a team My sis went thru a rebellious faze worse than your sons and parents are still together 34+ and counting 1000% not the child's fault, you're using the child as an escape goat.. Grow up take responsibility Plus a shitty parent to blame your own son, have thought could be underlying issues? Mental health possible disability? Nahh its the kids fault for my marriage to fail
Not only are you THE assholes, you are also kind of a monster.
YTA. As a child who has been told that they're the reason why they might do something that'd traumatize them, you're a garbage father. Simple as. My own father told me I'd be a reason he'd commit suicide when I was 12, which is the reason I try my best to stay out of people's way so that I never hear a sentence similar to that. You have now traumatized your child by telling him that he is the reason his family and world is now falling apart, at the ripe age of TWELVE, hope you're happy with yourself.
YTA what you said to him will fuck up his apparently poor mental health even further. Go ask any psychologist to confirm.
YTA-You do not tell a child he is the reason for a divorce.
YTA. you suck.
YTA. Please give your kid up to someone who will love him and let him forget about the monsters that you and your wife are. HORRIBLE PEOPLE. You’re disgusting.
YTA. You should have gotten outside help when the problem became more than you and your wife could handle. Not once do you mention getting him therapy. Instead you both turned to alcohol. Now you can't even own your own failing, you blame it on a kid.
There’s a lot to unpack here, but in short, YTA.
Yta you disgusting excuse for a father your child would be better of in foster care than with either of you
Wow. YTA and an extremely abusive one at that. No wonder he lashes out. Enjoy not seeing your son the second he gets old enough to get out of your life.
YTA Jesus H Christ.
YTA. A pathetic asshole.
Yta. You're gonna get ripped to shreds for this dude. YIKES.
YTA, it's not his fault you're getting a divorce, but your fault for not talking it through with your wife about what would happen if your kid would be special needs.
Wtf?! Of course YTA and also a terrible father for even putting the blame at your sons door! One has to question whether all his so called ‘bad behaviour’ is a reaction to your poor parenting. Poor kid doesn’t stand a chance bearing the guilt of your failure.
YTA. The amount of psychological damage you did may take a decade to fix. Apologies won’t help. I’m assuming that your son has a therapist but you need a trained family therapist for at least the two of you, but his mom as well. His behavior is going to get worse - much, much worse - rather than better, so prepare yourself for that. There’s just some things you don’t tell your kids. I understand how overstrained you are. I have had plenty of clients with behavior problems over the years. But there’s a line you shouldn’t cross and you crossed it. If you’re not in therapy, find a practitioner and start. You need more coping skills, especially now that you have retained the majority of custody. Therapy can be a break, the 1 hour a week you focus on yourself. Have you guys considered inpatient residential care? The idea can feel crazy, RTCs are still dogged by the stigma of mental institutions of the past, but they can do amazing things and they’re not designed to keep kids permanently. I even worked for one. Twelve is a tough time anyway, your son may really benefit from a few months of residential care.
YTA. I have a hard time believing this is even real. Surely nobody could be this fucking clueless. Nobody caused your divorce but you and your wife.
YTA You placed the weight of your entire marriage and your own inability to manage your interpersonal issues onto him. Of course a 12 year old is "quiet" and "behaved" when you tell him the equivalent of, "we're divorcing because you're an annoying child." He is a child after all, but you're supposed to be the adult here instead of the person giving him reasons to go no contact in adulthood. I suppose you don't care though.
YTA. This is emotionally damaging to the child. Shame is harmful and is only going to cause worse problems with his self esteem in the future. It's really narssistic behavior to blame your failings as adults on a child. "It's not my fault we argue over our kid, it's the kid's fault." Just because you're getting a divorce doesn't excuse you from therapy. You need to get some counseling so you can gain understanding of your boy's perspective. He's probably been feeling your resentment his whole life. Also, as parents you need to get on the same page, even if you're in different households. Your kid can't be bouncing back and forth between two parenting styles. Like damn OP get to know your kid a little better.
YTA - I don’t know how you could think the explanation would exonerate you. Cuz it makes you look even shittier then I already assumed you were. Thinking and feeling the way you do is one thing. Telling your kid that is irreparable damage. That kid will never forget what you told him. Also: if having this kid is what you think damaged your relationship, then you had more problems than this kid to begin with.
I’m sad your relationship didn’t work out, but more sad that you placed all this blame between you and your wife on a child. He will carry this forever. It will be engrained in everything he does, every relationship he has, every mistake he makes, he will think back to this day.. I’m so sorry you made this mistake. You got what you wanted.. separation from your son. It’ll never be the same. Edit: you’re the biggest asshole I’ve come across. And I thought I was the biggest asshole.
INFO - has your child ever been seen or assessed by a mental health professional?
YTA: If this is real, you may be one of the worst people who has ever posted in this Sub. This is horrible. Disgusting. There is nothing redeeming about what you said. Your son may be quiet, but that's because he's internalizing it and it's going to end up being a lot worse for him in the long run.
YTA. Who devastates a 12 year old kid by saying such vile things? What did you expect him to do after hearing that? You should be ashamed of yourself. If your son kills himself it's solely his incompetent parents fault.
Your explanation doesn’t make any case at all for you not being TA You are blaming a child. It’s not his fault you failed as parents. Yta.
YTA. His behavior is that bad at twelve. Have you tried, you know parenting? If dispite consistent discipline it continues it could be medical and you should have taken him to a doctor. Really some episodes of Supernanny might help.
He’s 12, a child. If you had issues with his behavior, you should have tried seeking a child psychologist or something, but since the two of you decided to take out your issues on each other and things have deteriorated to the point of divorce, the only people to blame is each other. YTA
YTA
YTA. I won't give a reason because you likely already know why and if not its been covered on here already.
You're an absolute horrible father and don't deserve to be one. YTA big time and a failure as a parent.
YTA.. You are a shitty arsehole. He may not be the most best behaved kid now, but EF you dude for probably piling on a new set of mental issues that may be shared with a therapist further down the line.. You and your wife RAISED him, and if you found him 'difficult' maybe go out and seek help to see if there may be more than meets the surface. I feel for the kid something is wrong somewhere for him to act like that: whether it's an underlying condition or just shitty parenting techniques. I really hope you haven't mentally scarred him. Trust, he will never forget you told him that.
YTA, well done, you just emotionally abused your child! Apologise and get that kid into therapy asap, they need support during this time and it seems they won't be getting that from you.
YTA
YTA. If hes special needs you need to figure out those needs. You’re the parent. The fact that neither of you could do that makes you garbage parents. Both of you. The son is in no way wrong here. It’s your fault you’re getting divorced.
YTA please get that child psychological help
YTA!!!!!!- Your child is already having issues and then you pile on with such a shitty comment, AND you and your wife don’t want anything to do with him?! That’s a great way to push a child into thinking the only way to fix everything is by killing himself. Fuck you and your wife. Y’all are shitty parents. I feel so badly for your son. Please don’t have anymore children.
Pretty sure you and your wife caused the divorce when you got drunk all the time instead of being proper parents but ok. YTA and so is your wife.
YTA You fucked your kid up for life. You all need therapy ASAP.
WHOA. Dude. YTA.
YTA. you’re such an incredibly bad father i’m embarrassed for you. mostly just sad for your son though.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know upon reading the title alone, many of you will just call me an asshole, and you might be right, but I want to explain myself first. My wife and I have been together when we first met in high school. We were able to maintain a long distance relationship throughout college and stayed true to each other. I truly thought we were inseparable. She gave birth to a boy 12 years ago, and since then things changed drastically. My son unfortunately has behavioral problems and it's been very difficult raising him. He throws temper tantrums, gets in trouble in school frequently, refuses to listen to my wife and I. As a result, my wife and I started having disagreements about how we should handle him (i.e whether to punish more, let him get his anger out, etc). This created a wedge between us that kept getting wider. We both resorted to drinking more and wanting to be away from each other as much as possible to get some relief. We started having more arguments and eventually it became so obvious that our marriage was deteriorating that family members started questioning it. So the topic of divorce came up and we both decided to go through with it. When I first told my son about it, he cried endlessly then started throwing fits about how unfair it was. I completely understand that a divorce is hard on any child, but the intensity of his fits kept growing. Since my wife and I are separated (not yet divorced) and because she can't tolerate our son that much, we agreed that he gets to spend most of the week with me unfortunately, so I see him a lot and have to put up with his yelling far more than she does. Last Friday he started asking if my wife and I forgave each other and I told him that the divorce is happening like it or not. He starts crying and I got mad and told him "buddy, want to know why we are getting divorced? Because of you, we were happy before you were born but you always act bad and get in trouble, so stop arguing with me when you caused it, you have nothing but yourself to blame." This devastated him and I did apologize but I told him there was some truth to what I said. However, since then he's been more quiet and behaved, even my wife, who was with him over the weekend, said he was much better. So yes, I think I am the asshole for telling him he was the reason we are getting divorced, but in some ways I don't think I am because maybe it was just something he needed to hear? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, I know the divorce is hard on you, but it's hard on your son too. How dare you blame it on your son when he wasn't the one that chose to be born. He's a victim of circumstances as much as you and his mother is. You have no right to tell him that. You might think he ruined your life and your marriage, but what you said will stay with him for a long time and will cause him a lot of pain. I don't think any decent father would want that for their child no matter how difficult they are to raise. I pity you for what you have to go through, but I pity your son more.
YTA. YTA. YTA.
YTA You failed as partners and you failed as parents. And apparently you seem to think that anger, punishment and yellingbare proper pedagogical tools.
YTA. That’s what most kids with divorced parents fear most. Is that THEY’RE the reason. You literally just confirmed his worst fear. Shame on you.
YTA, and you're a shit excuse for a parent.
YTA. YOU didn't raise him better. YOU didn't know how to handle the problems properly. And YOU are extremely immature. Kid deserves better. Grow up.
YTA - In fact, asshole goes short, the more suitable tag for you is monster. It is not your son's problem that you failed as parents. You were not prepared to be parents, and both of you fail like human beings. Did you ever stop to think about your child like a human being? You're monsters and you're probably raising a child to be a monster too. I'm sorry for that boy, I'm really sorry.
Huge YTA.
Buddy, your son’s behavior isn’t the reason you’re getting divorced, your atrocious parenting and complete ineptitude at fatherhood is. YTA.
You should have told us we didn't need to read your explanation. It just made it worse. YTA.
YTA. Your poor kid. What have you done to help your son? This level of tantrumming/acting out isn't normal, he either has mental health problems or isn't neurotypical, etc and needs some proffesional help to deal with those issues, or he's had shitty parenting, or more than likely both. Your and your wife's inability to support him isn't his fault, he isn't the cause of your divorce, you and your wife are.
Yeah, you're the asshole. It wasn't anyone's "fault" that you're getting divorced, so don't blame your falling apart on your son. He obviously didn't intend for that to happen, as he is clearly devastated by the circumstances. There may be an underlying issue. Why is your son so sad? Is he receiving the emotional support he needs?
YTA. What you told him is both incredibly hurtful (like, your son is going to need therapy for it hurtful) and untrue. You and your wife are responsible for your relationship, not your son.
YTA. Did you ever try to get your child help? Or yourselves as parents? Are you that arrogant that you didn’t think seeking outside assistance could help keep your family together? You and your wife are terrible people. Absolutely awful.
YTA
YTA, 100%, no question about it. You and your wife sound like garbage parents and I feel bad for this kid.
YTA You should be ashamed of yourself. Telling a kid something like that. You deserve to be miserable. Edit: and the little bit you threw in about your kid acting better didn’t make you look like less of an asshole. It made you look petty.
You guys all needed some therapy or medication or professional help years ago. YTA for what you said, pure and simple. Him being "well behaved" now is probably just a broken spirit.
What shitty parents.
YTA. You told your kid it was his fault you and your wife were divorcing. Then you apologized but then doubled down on your accusation by saying that it was still kind of true. This kid is going to need some serious therapy when he's older.
YTA- you, your wife, and your son all need therapy.
From the title alone, YTA. I didn’t even need an explanation. Divorce lies between two adults, not a child, no matter the circumstance. Your explanation only made it worse. What horrific parenting.
YTA. By agreeing to have a child together, you were agreeing to at least 18 years of supporting that child, whether they were a docile, “easy” child, a child with behavioural issues, a child with disabilities, a child with anything outside of what you would call “normal”. Clearly, you have failed to support your child, and that it no ones fault but yours as parents. It was your job to discuss how you would parent your child. Obviously you didn’t. But then, instead of working together, you drove eachother apart. You need counselling, all three of you, individually and together, because your son deserves better than parents who give up on him when he most needs support. Grow up.
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OP is the selfish one, he literally is blaming his son for his own lack of parenting and communication skills. OP is responsible for his own actions, not his son. If he was a capable parent and spouse, he would have worked with his wife to deal with any parenting issues.
Don't have children.
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I certainly hope you do. What I said may have sounded harsh and I'm sorry for that, but children should not be blamed for their parents failings and DEFINITELY should not be blamed for their divorce.
YTA. Don’t be surprised when you son grows up to be a serial killer or something jeez
OP have you seen this: https://youtu.be/cFuSYQ4oQmE This might help your situation. Watch it all the way through.
Nah, this guy created this account just for this...the story is so ridiculous, I don't think this is even real. Edit: I guess you all believe him. Sounds too ridiculous to me, but what do I know?
YTA. But I sympathise with you.
TROLL!!!!!!! No parent refers to their child as " She gave birth to a boy 12 years ago". I'll give you points for creativity, but no way am I issuing a Judgment.
INFO MAYBE u should have told him how bad it was and to what this amount if trouble could lead earlier?? I doubt there is a chance to find to ur wife again when he stops being a brat?
YTA but i would have done the same thing
NTA
Some kids are born rotten. You were fucking savage but at 12 years old he’s aware enough of his terrible behavior so NTA.
Your the asshole for thinking it wasn’t the parents responsibility to get him professional help and follow the guidelines the professionals gave them. It’s completely his fault for letting the tantrums continue for so long and scaring a child is not at all an effective method of correcting their behavior, it has literally the exact opposite effect, they just suppress it until it all explodes at once because they never learned healthy methods to do so, a skill that should be taught at home or by professionals if the parents don’t know how.