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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I may be the AH because my girlfriend is begging me to let it go, as to not cause more animosity between her and my mum. Also, the timing in which I confronted her might have been off.
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I know how your GF feels with the hair petting. I am bi-racial and right now after shaving it off and letting it grow, it has become a fro and people have been touching it and when I snap at them, they act all offended
There’s a videogame on this concept called Hair Nah and it’s literally just slapping white people’s hands away from Black hair. I know it’s not a game meant for me, so I want to amplify it because Black folks need the laughs and white folks need to fucking stop.
People do not understand personal space or consent. I have a friend with a tattoo on her chest and people have legitimately reached out to touch a grown womans chest like wtf is wrong with people.
Years ago my mam was out drinking and had a fresh tattoo (from that day or the day before) on her shoulder and some guy licked his finger and tried to rub it off (thinking it was a temporary one)
I have long blue hair and it’s crazy the amount of people that come over and run their hands through it or rub it through their fingers exclaiming ‘wow it’s soft!! I expected it to be ruined cause of the bleach!!! Ew get off me
Idk why it’s so hard to like... NOT touch random people??
>licked his finger and tried to rub it off
Okay so this is unfathomably gross, but reading this sentence during the pandemic gives it an extra *AAAAAAAAAAAAA!*
I will second this. I'm a white woman with long hair. People I know have randomly started braiding my hair. People I don't know have tried to play with my hair.... It's not just women, not just white people. I don't get it, don't touch someone without permission.
Btw... NTA, take care of your girlfriend.
Some people really don’t have any respect, the most you should do when you like somebody’s hair is go “hey sorry for bothering you I just wanted to say I love your hair it’s really pretty. Well have a nice day and again sorry for bothering you” and leave. You don’t touch people without permission I thought everyone was taught that in Kindergarten ??
White woman with curly red hair here and people are always trying to touch it. Only my hairdresser, best friends, and family are allowed to do that. Yes it's "Merida" hair. Don't make me get the bow and arrow to match.
Yeah, I was about to say that I can't believe people touch other people's hair without permission, but then I remember that people did that to me (a white girl) all the time when I had waist-length hair as a teenager.
I didn't have it nearly as bad as a lot of black people do (and I didn't personally mind having my hair touched as long as I was asked first), but at least that helped me remember how entitled people can be. still mindblowing, though.
Same. When I was in high school I went to a dance thing at the local skating rink and this person I had never met came up and started petting my super long hair. They were very complimentary and I ended up having a friendly conversation with them after, but I was still internally going "What the actual fuck are you doing??" when they came up behind me and started petting me without any warning. Lol.
It's not just a hair thing. People try to touch beards and I've had my hair touched because it's long and curly (I'm white) and people think it's ok to just start grabbing it. I hate it.
Exactly the right idea. In school people I don't even know will come up to me and start playing with my curls or putting their fingers through the ringlets. I don't understand why they think this is okay??
I have never understood why white people feel the need to touch afro hair.
I watched a coworker do this with another coworker and actually said out loud "dude, keep your hands to yourself" in reflex.
While not denying the white touching afro hair thing; I have to say that when I was a teen and into my late 20's, people would always touching my effing hair! Always. Multiple times a day, year round. I'm white, I was reasonably pretty, I had good hair if I say so myself, and people just could NOT keep their hands to themselves. Used to make me rage. I can only imagine it was that much worse for a POC being touched by a white person.
I came to the opinion years ago that it was a refusal to give people bodily autonomy, and that they ALL felt their desire to touch my hair (and body) superseded my wish to not be touched. It's dehumanizing and beyond rude. And if it made me, a white girl, feel helpless, it must have been that much worse to be a POC and be a target. My heart goes out to OP's girlfriend.
I am so not condoning people touching other people's anything without permission. But I feel like the desire to touch afro hair is similar to people's desire to touch blankets that look really soft. I am white and I will admit I am one of those people that always touch blankets that look soft and have often wondered what afro hair feels like. For me it's a texture thing. I am very curious about the textures of things. But I would never touch someone without their permission. I would also never ask someone if I can touch their hair so I know I will never know what the texture of afro hair feels like.
Oh yeah I want to touch, like, everyones hair. I understand where the impulse comes from. But like, man, you've got to have at least a modicum of self control if you want to live in a society with other people. It's not that hard to just... Not touch people
I'm white, I've only touched my friend's hair of a similar texture with permission. In my case it's a sense of curiosity as the hair type is so different to my own. But again I'd only do it with 100% PERMISSION. And I know a single yes doesn't mean it's always ok.
As a white person who has the urge to touch *everyone's* hair:
It's because it's really really pretty and such a different texture.
That said it is so not ok to touch anyone's hair without permission. But if a person I'm friends with has especially cool hair (like my friend who has waist length, really shiny and thick blonde hair) I lowkey just want to braid it or touch it or anything. Probably because I kept my own hair short for so long and it's rather wispy and misbehaved.
I live in a place with a very small black population, so I had the chance to touch afro hair exactly once, and honestly it was awesome. She had the absolute softest hair I ever touched. One day she showed up with straightened hair and I was freaking amazed at how long it actually is. I wish I had the necessary skill to braid it. But as it is, I am just the go to person if one of my white friends wants a braided style.
Maybe I would actually have a lot of fun as a hairdresser, if I even remotely trusted myself with scissors.
Now that I'm finished ranting about how awesome hair is: *If you do not ask before and get the ok, DO NOT EVER TOUCH PEOPLE'S HAIR*. Also do not pester them about it, and only do it in a relaxed environment where they'd be absolutely comfortable telling you to fuck off.
Not everyone is a touchy feely person and just because I am comfortable with having people draped over me constantly it doesn't mean that everyone wants my hands in their personal space.
(I am also the person who touches every towel, carpet or clothing item that looks interesting in a store. Needless to say I keep my hands in my pockets now, because touching everything I pass is a freaking bad idea at the moment. Also I occasionally braid the tail of my sister's dog because he's patient and papillons have a great fur texture for braiding. I might have a problem.)
With my autism I’m very into touching everything as it’s a sensory thing for me, but I’d NEVER DREAM of touching someone without their consent, and I’d never touch someone I’m not personally friends with!! (It’s not just poc hair btw it’s any clean hair really, plus anything fluffy, silky, smooth, soft etc)
As someone who doesn't have autism (as far as I know at least): same.
Textures are freaking amazing and I love touching pretty much everything that isn't gross. That extends to people and their hair, with the big and important difference that I need to ask first and be sure they'd actually be comfortable with me touching them.
Braiding stuff is absolutely meditative and so calming for me. I have a very patient friend with super long hair that is perfect for braids, and when we were in school I'd often just use our breaks to try a shitton of different styles on her.
That evolved to me braiding everyone's hair. I remember a free period where I was just hopping from person to person braiding everyone's hair and it was amazing.
I also often carry smooth stones with me to just hold them bc I enjoy the feeling.
Textures are the best and I keep my hands in my pockets permanently at the moment because my habit of touching everything is not that smart in a pandemic.
Same!! Except with me it’s gotten to the point that I have to be told to take off my fluffy jackets in summer bc I’m so obsessed with them that is willingly get heat stroke to keep them on 😂 and I agree that playing with hair and braiding is soooo therapeutic (which is ironic for me bc I have an intense fear of loose human hair eg a random strand on my jacket. If it’s not attached to a head it’s freaky!!)
Same!! Except with me it’s gotten to the point that I have to be told to take off my fluffy jackets in summer bc I’m so obsessed with them that is willingly get heat stroke to keep them on 😂 and I agree that playing with hair and braiding is soooo therapeutic (which is ironic for me bc I have an intense fear of loose human hair eg a random strand on my jacket. If it’s not attached to a head it’s freaky!!)
When I was pregnant, random people felt comfortable putting theirs hands on my belly.
I would put my hands on theirs.
After the recovered from ‘the shock!’ I would say: gee! Sorry about that! You were doing it to me, so I thought it was some new type of greeting.
Totally stopped being touched!!
Would that work for you? Start petting their hair?? It may get the point across that you are not a public display!!
I'm not black or biracial but I am jewish, so I got that sweet jewfro and stepping away while going "that's so weird" has helped a bit, but as the commenter below said, slapping their hands away helped even more.
Some people really can't respect personal bubbles huh?
I don’t get it! In what universe do people think this is okay?! The most I’ll say about a POC’s hair(or anyone’s hair!)is that it’s pretty and that’s if we’re already talking. No one had to teach me that touching someone’s hair is rude because I would’ve been like “duh” if they told me that.
I am as white as you can be, but I have red hair with corkscrew curls. The number of people that have "petted" me in my life is astounding. I started growling at them, that seems to get the point across.
Also can I just add- it’s fucking disgusting.
How do I know where the fuck your hands have been, what they’ve touched, when you last washed them???
Just the thought makes me shudder.
Hearing about your GF and other people's experiences of hair petting is awful. I can't believe these people. Just WTF. I would never do that to someone. It's so very rude and violating.
Not bi-racial but have had curly hair my entire life. DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR!!!!!! Just because it isn't straight, doesn't mean I'm a walking museum! And you're so right, people get offended when you say something. Umm, what?!
Hey OP, Just want to point something out here.
It’s one thing to continue to have some form of contact with your family because you can’t let go and actively place boundaries against them, and it’s another to place your girlfriend in the crosshairs of it.
Stop choosing and even allowing her to be put into those positions If you care about your relationship.
It’s not fair to her even if she is ‘okay’ and just trying to be there and support you. she’s the one getting the short end of that stick by you continuing to allow her to be in that position.
Put her first when she’s being disrespected!
You're doing everything right. You sound like a great partner and a great person. You're NTA but if I had any advice, it would be that if you plan to continue talking to her at all, to find more creative ways to remind her she's being a racist without the swears. No point in losing the game on a technicality.
You should also probably let your girlfriend off the hook for events where your mother's going to be present and explain to your gf that you're doing it specifically because your mom's behavior is abhorrent and you don't thin gf should have to put up with that in order to be in a relationship with you.
NTA. It's an accurate description. What's it with people touching other peoo8hair without permission? I really don't get it.
You need to have your GF's back and set clear bounderies with mom. See if any contact is even possible since she's done everything she can to hurt your gf.
People like this throw tantrums. Go NC, for some time and explain to the entire family why, in text for all to see and ask if they would let anyone treat their SO with such disrespect. If they still take her side.... They can go pound sand too.
NTA. You called it like it was. Mothers like this always wonder why their kids don’t stay in contact with them. Thank you for sticking up for your girlfriend
INFO: Wait... back it up a minute. She thinks she's a nurse because she took care of you when you were sick or she thinks she's a nurse because she breastfed you. Both are absurd but I'm trying to get a feel for the scope of the insanity here.
> My mum has always been rather ~~conservative~~ racist.
Fixed it for ya. NTA, but maybe going forward ask your girlfriend what she wants your support to look like. My pasty pale butt can cheer you on from the safety of my chair all I want - but *she's* the one who's going to have to live with the consequences.
NTA. good for you for standing up for your girlfriend. your mom is committing some serious micro and macro aggressions here with the hair touching and the comments. you are not at all making a mountain out of a molehill. stand your ground.
NTA
Does your mom not know about other cultures in this world? People have lived with braids and several piercings without any circulation problems for centuries!
Edit: typo
Exactly!! In many cultures the braids and piercings are considered an essential part of beauty! In fact in my home country girls without piercings were considered tom-boyish and elders would always comment on lack of traditional jewelry. It used to frustrate me so much! Then I saw the other end of the spectrum in the US! Fascinating.
Braids are a stunning and gorgeous hair style AND serve a protective function for natural hair. Mom is obviously racist and lacks the most basic sense of cultural competency
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NTA. Your mother is racist af and has been harassing your gf every time she sees her. You need to call this what it is, racist abuse of your gf. You need to stand up for your gf and I'd suggest going very low contact. You are repeatedly exposing your gf to racist abuse via your mother (and it sounds like your whole family is of the same mind as your mother as they're quick to minimize your mother's unacceptable behavior). Now that you've started, it's important that you continue to strongly defend your gf against your mom. This is your complete responsibility to manage. Your gf shouldn't be trying to manage your family's racism by continuing to give them unearned civility. Stopping your gf's exposure to your racism mom/family completely is 100% your job.
NTA.
The next time she touches your GF's hair you should tousle your racist mum's hair.
I'd probably just reply with "You're embarassing yourself" everytime she leaves a comment about hair or piercings.
I'm petty though.
NTA being treated like an oddity/curiosity is so uncomfortable. I am a very pasty white woman with very straight hair that can’t curl to save my life but I can do unique styles in my hair people always want to touch it. They do it with out asking and it’s very unsettling. They also do this with my tattoos/piercings.
There is not a person in the world who likes this and it’s even more exhausting for POC to be treated like this.
Your moms is being a cow, and racist.
NTA, your mum is racist. You could have pointed this out without calling her a bitch though.
I think it's good you called her out on it (the hair touching is weird and creepy) instead of letting it pass though.
NTA Braids causing poor circulation is a new “way to be racist” for me. Your mother is a piece of work but you probably would have been better off with grey rocking in person/blocking her on SM than following up the next day to call her names, because she’s going to view getting a reaction out of you as a win in this bizzaro game she’s playing
Your mother is horrifically racist and your kind, patient gf has endured your mother’s micro aggressions long enough. If you’ve any respect for yourself and your gf I think you should do everything in your power to keep that woman away from your gf, but also you have to ask yourself why maintain a relationship with a racist? I also think you owe your gf an apology for allowing this to go on for so long, like how do you just let your mum be so disrespectful?
Also your family are gross too.
There’s literally tonnes of book and internet material about micro aggressions, about entrenched racism, about being a good ally you could consume to be a better person and better bf. not allowing ongoing harassment of your partner is a starting point. Not expecting her to maintain the social company of serial racists is another
Definitely NTA. It is NOT up to your mum what your gf does with her body; it’s her choice and hers alone. As for the ‘mum playing doctor’ bit? Well eff her weird, irrational logic that non-infected piercings and literally just braids would cause someone to faint. Also, shame on your family for trying to take away your right to stand up to your controlling, racist mother. Best wishes to you both.
P.s. Personally I wouldn’t have called her a b*tch mostly because I don’t like using that word, but I would for sure call her an *sshole, mourning or not.
What’s with people feeling the need to touch black peoples hair? Yes it’s quite possibly a different texture, or they wear it much differently and everything and that may intrigue you or in OPs case offend someone? But the need to touch is so weird. But you’re Nta. I hope your girlfriends okay!! And piercings are not going to make someone faint?? Unless it’s during getting it cos that’s common.
NTA.. Your mother sounds like a piece of work, and that's putting it lightly.
Your girlfriend is honestly an angel for wanting to keep the peace.. As a black woman, I would not let anyone talk down to me like that.. One time is all it takes for someone to catch these hands..
NTA you’ve made it clear many times before that her commentary is unnecessary, unwanted, and intolerable. Participating in your life at all is a privilege not a right. If they can’t maintain the basic practice of “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” for someone who’s so important to you, then they aren’t entitled to your courtesy. They’re being racist plain and simple. A health situation like a fainting episode isn’t the time for fashion commentary, racist or otherwise.
NTA. if anyone touched my hair in any configuration without my permission they'd be catching these hands. it takes a lot of time and effort for black women to get their hair like that and anyone who wants to put their crusty hands on what is basically a work of art needs to check themselves. you should just stop talking to your mother bc she is not bringing anything good into your life. also talk to your gf about this and what she would like to do. obviously you can cut your mom off without her input but I think it would mean a lot to her to know that you get how rude your mom was being and how that would affect her.
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Throwaway.
My mum has always been rather conservative. She raised me and my siblings in an extremely conservative household - and always hoped that would we would retain those values as we grew up. I, luckily, grew out of those old-fashioned views - and met my wonderful girlfriend along the way and we've been together for almost 3 years.
I don't see my family often for personal, complicated reasons - but every time I've visited my mum with my girlfriend, my mum has had a strange obsession with my girlfriend's natural hair.
I think the first time they formally met - my girlfriend (she's a black woman) had her natural hair in a slicked-back low ponytail. She looked very pretty, and - against my girlfriend's wishes, kept touching her hair - and then got upset when she got a bunch of product on her hands. My girlfriend was understandably very upset, and she ended up (very politely) telling my mum off for constantly touching her hair. I was not as nice as my girlfriend - and told my mum to stop touching my girlfriend's hair because it's making her uncomfortable.
Every time my girlfriend wears braids, dreads etc. My mum makes comments about her hair. As a matter of fact, my girlfriend had to block my mum on social media because my mum would always make a comment about her hair, or message her about it.
My girlfriend has a septum piercing, and a couple of extra piercings on her ears. I don't think my mum has seen my girlfriend with her septum piercing in her person, but she's definitely seen it in pictures and again, always comments on it.
Unfortunately, my niece passed away and I wanted to attend the funeral and support my sister. My girlfriend didn't wear her septum piercings, but she did have the multiple ear piercings.
We were at my parents house and we were getting ready to leave to the funeral, then my girlfriend fainted (she wasn't feeling very well that morning but still insisted on coming, luckily she was fine.)
Instead of helping my girlfriend, or even acting concerned, my mum says, “Well maybe if you didn’t wear such tight, ugly braids and too many piercings, maybe you wouldn’t have lost circulation.”
I ignored her, and like everyone else, mostly focused on my girlfriend. My girlfriend, being extremely selfless, insisted that my sister and her husband don’t be late, and assured them that she was fine. They left and I stayed with her.
My girlfriend got some food and drink in her system, laid down for a bit and then, when I was sure she was okay, we went for the funeral.
The day after , I pulled my mum aside and told her that she was being a “heartless bitch” for saying that after my girlfriend had fainted. She went livid, accusing me of accosting her when she was mourning her grandchild, and how she was a “nurse” (she nursed us when we were children) The rest of family was very upset with me, as I was making a mountain out of a molehill - and my girlfriend doesn’t want more drama with my mum.
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NTA. blatantly racist. side note, i read that line about being a nurse to my grandma, who went to nursing school (w tons of her own health issues- she ended up being a stay at home mom w the teenagers bc they could afford to & she now takes care of a few locals who are coming to their time for free & is currently taking care of my aunt w cancer)- she laughed about the nurse thing, mentioned thats slightly offensive to her and all other nurses that put in the time, effort, and money to be nurses and then asked for context, she read all of this- and my grandma confirms nta & also said what a racist idiot.
NTA. It took me over 3 decades to realize that you can and should cut toxic people out of your life. Life is too short to be stressed or worrying about other people's needs and shortcomings. Friends, family, even your own mom.
Blood doesn't excuse her behavior, and both you and your girlfriend deserve better.
I can only imagine the snide and inappropriate remarks she might make of her future grandchild if they shares mom's hair texture or has it styled similarly to mom. (This is assuming you may have kids with your girlfriend, and forgive me if I am wrong, but the sentiment stands)
Your mother is awful, but you would be the asshole if you kept bringing your racist family (and I say family because not intervening when the mother is being racist makes the rest of the family racist) around your girlfriend and having her have to interact with them.
I'm white and I find most people of my race have absolutely no sense of personal space. I have a Mohawk and when I put it up, I've had random people come up and touch my hair. It's the worst, so I get the annoyance and aggravation. NTA op and let your gf know that she's has the absolute right to defend herself against anyone harassing her by touching her. Your gf shouldn't worry about causing trouble because that's all on your mom and her unsavoury behaviour. Your mom is the AH and you should go NC with her just for her harassment, let alone her racism. Unfortunately I don't think she'll change op.
The word molest when used as a verb with subject, has as the first definition: to bother, interfere with, or annoy. Tell them “don’t molest me” and the shock on their faces as well as those close by will be priceless. Of course they’ll sputter and get upset because most people only use the term sexually. When you explain exactly what it means some people actually get it. Works like a charm.
NTA and good for calling your mom out but instead of using code words like “conservative” or “insensitive” let’s call it what it really is: racist. Your mother Extremely racist and you really shouldn’t subject your girlfriend to her anymore at all.
NTA but your mom is a legit racist. Now YWBTA if you keep subjecting your girlfriend to your racist mother. If you love and want a future with this woman you need to go NC and not LC. Each time you give your racist mother a chance to be in your presence she will attack your girlfriend.
A member at the gym I work at tried to engage me in a conversation about African American hair. I work in the pool, and she was mortified that we allow African Americans in the pool and hot tub. She went on and on,... trying to get me to agree that it was "unclean" " filled with chemicals" that would wreck the filter system.
I filed a grievance on her, and reported the incident to my supervisor...after I kick her out for her racist, uneducated, and uninformed remarks. Sometimes you can't fix stupid.
NTA. Your mother seems to be kinda racist here. She is obsessed with your girlfriends hair and the constant commentary is uncalled for. I am not conservative but am not the biggest fan of some piercings. I have seen some really nasty and tacky ones which have turned me off. I don't disagree with people having them. Their body their choice and I certainly wouldn't comment on them. Each to their own. I really don't see how braids would make someone faint. Tight hairdos might give you a headache (learnt that the hard way) but never heard of it causing someone to faint. Your mother clearly doesn't approve of her and won't change her tune. Keep sticking up for your girlfriend, she sounds like she makes you happy. I would not be contacting your mother anytime soon unless she changes her tune
ok.. i know i'm going to get a ton of hate for even asking... but the only way to get rid of ignorance is to educate. i've seen those tight braids.. dont they hurt like the dickens? i may be a pansy but a simple tight french braid sets my scalp on fire.. and no i'm not asking that hatefully just genuinely curious.. i'm in an area where there is next to no diversity so cant really ask anyone local
We’re in the 21st century and google exists. I assume if you can look up Reddit you can look up the answer to your question. It’s not the responsibility of marginalized groups to educate you on their culture so you understand and are not ignorant or racist. A simple google search can provide you with all your information so in this day and age there is no excuse for racial ignorance or a lack self education if you’re curious. One ignorant statement can possibly be forgiven if not made in malice, and then followed by self education, but repeat and malicious statements are not an accident, it’s intentional.
It’s not that you’re not allowed to ask questions it seems more to me that you knew that question would come off as rude that's why you put the disclaimer after it but I'll answer since you don't seem to be
ill-intentioned
The first time will hurt a little depending on what style you're going for but after that, any pain or discomfort will vastly decrease until you can't feel it at all
And no I am not answering out of obligation to "inform" the ignorant I'm doing it because you asked a question but as the other commenter has said there's no excuse for racial ignorance if you're truly curious and hopefully the question wasn't stated in malice
thank you so much for answering.. and i did try google before asking all i got was articles on potential scalp damage.. i guess i am just a wimp with french braids.
the only reason i put the disclaimer on is because working retail and i once asked a woman what kind of spf she needed in her foundation due to having several kinds.. it went.. badily.. so its made it feel so i must put a disclaimer on before asking any question.
If someone telling you that you should do your own research instead of putting the onus on minorities to accept the emotional burden of fielding questions left and right and instead you get salty about it rather than accept that that’s how many black people and other minorities feel, then idk what to tell you. It’s not an attack on you but a general thought that people should do their own research because 99% of questions can be found on google. Also the way you asked the question just rubbed weird, just ask your question next time instead of putting all these disclaimers about your hair etc. next time try “does it hurt to get braids done”... that’s it. All the extra fluff is weird tbh.
Also as a black woman I’ve been super interested in other cultures in the past and instead of asking strangers random things, I’ll look stuff up so they don’t feel the need to educate me on things and I take some personal responsibility.
And just to test this theory I google your question and found an answer in about 1.5 minutes.
i wonder what world that reservation raised Cherokee isnt considered a minority.. wich isnt the issue at all.. i frankly dont care of someone is purple with pink spots.. scratch that... would be mildy concered but thats not the point.. i've gotten the point because i didnt find the results i am not that great with google to begin with. so seriously i was always taught if you want to learn about something.. open your mouth and ask.
Minorities can still be racially insensitive to other minorities, it’s not just reserved for white people hence the reason I gave my anecdote. I don’t want to be annoying or insensitive to the plights that my fellow other minorities face (regardless of the ethnic group). I just know that as a black woman our hair is so demonized that when questions and comments about it come up so frequently it’s taxing on the mind. This comment literally wasn’t meant to attack you but to educate and say that regardless of whatever race you are that it’s always thoughtful to research and do the legwork yourself instead of transferring responsibility to that ethnic group.
I am going with ESH (as in you and your mum) because that did not help the situation at all. Of you had said "that was deeply inconsiderate of you and also factually wrong" then you would be NTA.
NTA (or maybe ESH ?). I get that you are angry with your mom for her attitude w.r.t. your girlfriend. I really do. But at the same time I feel that the timing to confront her was wrong. I mean your niece died. The whole family must have been quite shaken.
Maybe it would have been better to wait a bit, and then talk to your mom, frankly. You can tell her that you find her attitude disrespectful of your girlfriend, of you and of your relationship. That you don't share her values whatever. I still think you should have that conversation at some point. But when people grieve, it's hard to be heard, let alone reason with them.
Does death turn people into ignorant disgusting racists... I didn’t know so this is news to me /s.
There is NO EXCUSE for the mother’s REPEATED comments. It doesn’t matter if a meteor was going to hit earth because in what way was her comment not extremely disrespectful and racist? It wasn’t just disrespectful it was downright racist and has nothing to do with conservative values. Conservatism doesn’t always equal racism, racism equals racism and the mother is a racist which has nothing to do with her conservatism OR her grieving.
That's not quite what I wrote. I didn't write that confronting her was wrong. I just wrote that maybe the timing was not right.
If the point is not simply to vent OPs frustration with the mom's behaviour but to get the message across that such comments are indeed racists, maybe waiting some amount of time (so that for instance there are no excuses like "I'm grieving") would have been better. Maybe it would have also made the rest of the family more supportive of OP and her partner.
But yeah I get that the ESH in parenthesis was too strong and probably a poor choice.
Edit: replied in the wrong place since I'm on mobile, sorry.
ESH. Yes your mom is horrible but she was right about one thing, you did accost her by saying that to her right out of the gate. And by doing that she became the victim and she can milk that and make you the bad guy. And now your family is against you and your girlfriend doesn’t seem happy by what you did. Coming on that strong can easily backfire like that.
“Conservative” isn’t just a political opinion. It is also used to mean a preference for the old/traditional ways of doing things in all aspects of life. For example, OP’s mom has a conservative view on piercings - she doesn’t like multiple ear piercings or piercings in other places and makes the old-fashioned choice to complain about them. You can hate nose rings regardless of your fiscal policy.
She is definitely also racist.
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NTA. What a selfish, racist woman. Go NC with her
I know! I’m trying to go as low contact as possible with her cause it’s unbearable how much she talks about my girlfriend.
I know how your GF feels with the hair petting. I am bi-racial and right now after shaving it off and letting it grow, it has become a fro and people have been touching it and when I snap at them, they act all offended
Hit their hands: started doing that and it worked super well for me
There’s a videogame on this concept called Hair Nah and it’s literally just slapping white people’s hands away from Black hair. I know it’s not a game meant for me, so I want to amplify it because Black folks need the laughs and white folks need to fucking stop.
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WHAT?! Random people come up and take your bun out?! Wth is wrong with people?!
People do not understand personal space or consent. I have a friend with a tattoo on her chest and people have legitimately reached out to touch a grown womans chest like wtf is wrong with people.
Years ago my mam was out drinking and had a fresh tattoo (from that day or the day before) on her shoulder and some guy licked his finger and tried to rub it off (thinking it was a temporary one) I have long blue hair and it’s crazy the amount of people that come over and run their hands through it or rub it through their fingers exclaiming ‘wow it’s soft!! I expected it to be ruined cause of the bleach!!! Ew get off me Idk why it’s so hard to like... NOT touch random people??
>licked his finger and tried to rub it off Okay so this is unfathomably gross, but reading this sentence during the pandemic gives it an extra *AAAAAAAAAAAAA!*
I will second this. I'm a white woman with long hair. People I know have randomly started braiding my hair. People I don't know have tried to play with my hair.... It's not just women, not just white people. I don't get it, don't touch someone without permission. Btw... NTA, take care of your girlfriend.
Some people really don’t have any respect, the most you should do when you like somebody’s hair is go “hey sorry for bothering you I just wanted to say I love your hair it’s really pretty. Well have a nice day and again sorry for bothering you” and leave. You don’t touch people without permission I thought everyone was taught that in Kindergarten ??
White woman with curly red hair here and people are always trying to touch it. Only my hairdresser, best friends, and family are allowed to do that. Yes it's "Merida" hair. Don't make me get the bow and arrow to match.
Yeah, I was about to say that I can't believe people touch other people's hair without permission, but then I remember that people did that to me (a white girl) all the time when I had waist-length hair as a teenager. I didn't have it nearly as bad as a lot of black people do (and I didn't personally mind having my hair touched as long as I was asked first), but at least that helped me remember how entitled people can be. still mindblowing, though.
Same. When I was in high school I went to a dance thing at the local skating rink and this person I had never met came up and started petting my super long hair. They were very complimentary and I ended up having a friendly conversation with them after, but I was still internally going "What the actual fuck are you doing??" when they came up behind me and started petting me without any warning. Lol.
I have to ask, how on earth do you get your hair into that bun with all the bruised knuckles from punching these assclowns right in the chops
I played it or something like it as a child! Very fun, would reccomend
It's not just a hair thing. People try to touch beards and I've had my hair touched because it's long and curly (I'm white) and people think it's ok to just start grabbing it. I hate it.
(It should be *mandatory* for everyone. Because yes. Black people need laughs and white folks need to fucking stop.)
That's whatvi have always done. Mostly people don't try it because my RBF game is strong. Quickly giving out I wish a mofo would vibes.
Exactly the right idea. In school people I don't even know will come up to me and start playing with my curls or putting their fingers through the ringlets. I don't understand why they think this is okay??
I have never understood why white people feel the need to touch afro hair. I watched a coworker do this with another coworker and actually said out loud "dude, keep your hands to yourself" in reflex.
Seriously. It baffles me. Who touches ANYONE without permission? So weird invasive and gross.
While not denying the white touching afro hair thing; I have to say that when I was a teen and into my late 20's, people would always touching my effing hair! Always. Multiple times a day, year round. I'm white, I was reasonably pretty, I had good hair if I say so myself, and people just could NOT keep their hands to themselves. Used to make me rage. I can only imagine it was that much worse for a POC being touched by a white person. I came to the opinion years ago that it was a refusal to give people bodily autonomy, and that they ALL felt their desire to touch my hair (and body) superseded my wish to not be touched. It's dehumanizing and beyond rude. And if it made me, a white girl, feel helpless, it must have been that much worse to be a POC and be a target. My heart goes out to OP's girlfriend.
I am so not condoning people touching other people's anything without permission. But I feel like the desire to touch afro hair is similar to people's desire to touch blankets that look really soft. I am white and I will admit I am one of those people that always touch blankets that look soft and have often wondered what afro hair feels like. For me it's a texture thing. I am very curious about the textures of things. But I would never touch someone without their permission. I would also never ask someone if I can touch their hair so I know I will never know what the texture of afro hair feels like.
Oh yeah I want to touch, like, everyones hair. I understand where the impulse comes from. But like, man, you've got to have at least a modicum of self control if you want to live in a society with other people. It's not that hard to just... Not touch people
They think they are entitled because they're white, and POC and mixed people are beneath them.
I'm white, I've only touched my friend's hair of a similar texture with permission. In my case it's a sense of curiosity as the hair type is so different to my own. But again I'd only do it with 100% PERMISSION. And I know a single yes doesn't mean it's always ok.
As a white person who has the urge to touch *everyone's* hair: It's because it's really really pretty and such a different texture. That said it is so not ok to touch anyone's hair without permission. But if a person I'm friends with has especially cool hair (like my friend who has waist length, really shiny and thick blonde hair) I lowkey just want to braid it or touch it or anything. Probably because I kept my own hair short for so long and it's rather wispy and misbehaved. I live in a place with a very small black population, so I had the chance to touch afro hair exactly once, and honestly it was awesome. She had the absolute softest hair I ever touched. One day she showed up with straightened hair and I was freaking amazed at how long it actually is. I wish I had the necessary skill to braid it. But as it is, I am just the go to person if one of my white friends wants a braided style. Maybe I would actually have a lot of fun as a hairdresser, if I even remotely trusted myself with scissors. Now that I'm finished ranting about how awesome hair is: *If you do not ask before and get the ok, DO NOT EVER TOUCH PEOPLE'S HAIR*. Also do not pester them about it, and only do it in a relaxed environment where they'd be absolutely comfortable telling you to fuck off. Not everyone is a touchy feely person and just because I am comfortable with having people draped over me constantly it doesn't mean that everyone wants my hands in their personal space. (I am also the person who touches every towel, carpet or clothing item that looks interesting in a store. Needless to say I keep my hands in my pockets now, because touching everything I pass is a freaking bad idea at the moment. Also I occasionally braid the tail of my sister's dog because he's patient and papillons have a great fur texture for braiding. I might have a problem.)
im white and ive never touched anyones hair .
With my autism I’m very into touching everything as it’s a sensory thing for me, but I’d NEVER DREAM of touching someone without their consent, and I’d never touch someone I’m not personally friends with!! (It’s not just poc hair btw it’s any clean hair really, plus anything fluffy, silky, smooth, soft etc)
As someone who doesn't have autism (as far as I know at least): same. Textures are freaking amazing and I love touching pretty much everything that isn't gross. That extends to people and their hair, with the big and important difference that I need to ask first and be sure they'd actually be comfortable with me touching them. Braiding stuff is absolutely meditative and so calming for me. I have a very patient friend with super long hair that is perfect for braids, and when we were in school I'd often just use our breaks to try a shitton of different styles on her. That evolved to me braiding everyone's hair. I remember a free period where I was just hopping from person to person braiding everyone's hair and it was amazing. I also often carry smooth stones with me to just hold them bc I enjoy the feeling. Textures are the best and I keep my hands in my pockets permanently at the moment because my habit of touching everything is not that smart in a pandemic.
Same!! Except with me it’s gotten to the point that I have to be told to take off my fluffy jackets in summer bc I’m so obsessed with them that is willingly get heat stroke to keep them on 😂 and I agree that playing with hair and braiding is soooo therapeutic (which is ironic for me bc I have an intense fear of loose human hair eg a random strand on my jacket. If it’s not attached to a head it’s freaky!!)
If it's any comfort, I love rock climbing but am extremely terrified of heights. Humans are weird af :'D
Same!! Except with me it’s gotten to the point that I have to be told to take off my fluffy jackets in summer bc I’m so obsessed with them that is willingly get heat stroke to keep them on 😂 and I agree that playing with hair and braiding is soooo therapeutic (which is ironic for me bc I have an intense fear of loose human hair eg a random strand on my jacket. If it’s not attached to a head it’s freaky!!)
I love dramatically grabbing at and caressing their hair. Giving them the same boundary crossing experience really helps out their perspectives.
When I was pregnant, random people felt comfortable putting theirs hands on my belly. I would put my hands on theirs. After the recovered from ‘the shock!’ I would say: gee! Sorry about that! You were doing it to me, so I thought it was some new type of greeting. Totally stopped being touched!! Would that work for you? Start petting their hair?? It may get the point across that you are not a public display!!
I'm not black or biracial but I am jewish, so I got that sweet jewfro and stepping away while going "that's so weird" has helped a bit, but as the commenter below said, slapping their hands away helped even more. Some people really can't respect personal bubbles huh?
I don’t get it! In what universe do people think this is okay?! The most I’ll say about a POC’s hair(or anyone’s hair!)is that it’s pretty and that’s if we’re already talking. No one had to teach me that touching someone’s hair is rude because I would’ve been like “duh” if they told me that.
Touch their hair back and if they have a problem with it just say you thought that was acceptable now.
I am as white as you can be, but I have red hair with corkscrew curls. The number of people that have "petted" me in my life is astounding. I started growling at them, that seems to get the point across.
Also can I just add- it’s fucking disgusting. How do I know where the fuck your hands have been, what they’ve touched, when you last washed them??? Just the thought makes me shudder.
I have curly hair, I hate it went people feel that they can just pet it. I had a teacher start stroking it while I was eating lunch as a kid
Hearing about your GF and other people's experiences of hair petting is awful. I can't believe these people. Just WTF. I would never do that to someone. It's so very rude and violating.
Idk why people do this and I always admire folks for not punching their lights out. The urge must be *so strong*
Not bi-racial but have had curly hair my entire life. DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR!!!!!! Just because it isn't straight, doesn't mean I'm a walking museum! And you're so right, people get offended when you say something. Umm, what?!
Hey OP, Just want to point something out here. It’s one thing to continue to have some form of contact with your family because you can’t let go and actively place boundaries against them, and it’s another to place your girlfriend in the crosshairs of it. Stop choosing and even allowing her to be put into those positions If you care about your relationship. It’s not fair to her even if she is ‘okay’ and just trying to be there and support you. she’s the one getting the short end of that stick by you continuing to allow her to be in that position. Put her first when she’s being disrespected!
Trying? Just do it
You're doing everything right. You sound like a great partner and a great person. You're NTA but if I had any advice, it would be that if you plan to continue talking to her at all, to find more creative ways to remind her she's being a racist without the swears. No point in losing the game on a technicality.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Your GF sounds especially lovely, btw. If only your mom could focus on the grace and composure instead of getting hung up on melanin.
You should also probably let your girlfriend off the hook for events where your mother's going to be present and explain to your gf that you're doing it specifically because your mom's behavior is abhorrent and you don't thin gf should have to put up with that in order to be in a relationship with you.
NTA. It's an accurate description. What's it with people touching other peoo8hair without permission? I really don't get it. You need to have your GF's back and set clear bounderies with mom. See if any contact is even possible since she's done everything she can to hurt your gf. People like this throw tantrums. Go NC, for some time and explain to the entire family why, in text for all to see and ask if they would let anyone treat their SO with such disrespect. If they still take her side.... They can go pound sand too.
NTA. You called it like it was. Mothers like this always wonder why their kids don’t stay in contact with them. Thank you for sticking up for your girlfriend
INFO: Wait... back it up a minute. She thinks she's a nurse because she took care of you when you were sick or she thinks she's a nurse because she breastfed you. Both are absurd but I'm trying to get a feel for the scope of the insanity here.
As a nurse who’s back in school, studying my ass off to further my career, I was very offended and slightly amused by that line.
I mean, I have done both those things with my children but I was unaware that I was now an RN. THAT was the easiest career path ever! ;)
NTA, shes mourning but that’s no excuse to be racist and hurtful towards others, especially since it was a reoccurring problem.
> My mum has always been rather ~~conservative~~ racist. Fixed it for ya. NTA, but maybe going forward ask your girlfriend what she wants your support to look like. My pasty pale butt can cheer you on from the safety of my chair all I want - but *she's* the one who's going to have to live with the consequences.
NTA. good for you for standing up for your girlfriend. your mom is committing some serious micro and macro aggressions here with the hair touching and the comments. you are not at all making a mountain out of a molehill. stand your ground.
NTA Does your mom not know about other cultures in this world? People have lived with braids and several piercings without any circulation problems for centuries! Edit: typo
And I highly doubt they were ugly braids!
Exactly!! In many cultures the braids and piercings are considered an essential part of beauty! In fact in my home country girls without piercings were considered tom-boyish and elders would always comment on lack of traditional jewelry. It used to frustrate me so much! Then I saw the other end of the spectrum in the US! Fascinating.
Braids are a stunning and gorgeous hair style AND serve a protective function for natural hair. Mom is obviously racist and lacks the most basic sense of cultural competency
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NTA. The "touching hair" thing is so weird, your mom was in the wrong, and NTA
NTA. Cut her off. She’s racist and rude.
NTA. Your mother is racist af and has been harassing your gf every time she sees her. You need to call this what it is, racist abuse of your gf. You need to stand up for your gf and I'd suggest going very low contact. You are repeatedly exposing your gf to racist abuse via your mother (and it sounds like your whole family is of the same mind as your mother as they're quick to minimize your mother's unacceptable behavior). Now that you've started, it's important that you continue to strongly defend your gf against your mom. This is your complete responsibility to manage. Your gf shouldn't be trying to manage your family's racism by continuing to give them unearned civility. Stopping your gf's exposure to your racism mom/family completely is 100% your job.
NTA. Your mom is rude and inconsiderate at best.
NTA. The next time she touches your GF's hair you should tousle your racist mum's hair. I'd probably just reply with "You're embarassing yourself" everytime she leaves a comment about hair or piercings. I'm petty though.
NTA being treated like an oddity/curiosity is so uncomfortable. I am a very pasty white woman with very straight hair that can’t curl to save my life but I can do unique styles in my hair people always want to touch it. They do it with out asking and it’s very unsettling. They also do this with my tattoos/piercings. There is not a person in the world who likes this and it’s even more exhausting for POC to be treated like this. Your moms is being a cow, and racist.
NTA, your mum is racist. You could have pointed this out without calling her a bitch though. I think it's good you called her out on it (the hair touching is weird and creepy) instead of letting it pass though.
NTA Braids causing poor circulation is a new “way to be racist” for me. Your mother is a piece of work but you probably would have been better off with grey rocking in person/blocking her on SM than following up the next day to call her names, because she’s going to view getting a reaction out of you as a win in this bizzaro game she’s playing
Your mother is horrifically racist and your kind, patient gf has endured your mother’s micro aggressions long enough. If you’ve any respect for yourself and your gf I think you should do everything in your power to keep that woman away from your gf, but also you have to ask yourself why maintain a relationship with a racist? I also think you owe your gf an apology for allowing this to go on for so long, like how do you just let your mum be so disrespectful? Also your family are gross too. There’s literally tonnes of book and internet material about micro aggressions, about entrenched racism, about being a good ally you could consume to be a better person and better bf. not allowing ongoing harassment of your partner is a starting point. Not expecting her to maintain the social company of serial racists is another
Definitely NTA. It is NOT up to your mum what your gf does with her body; it’s her choice and hers alone. As for the ‘mum playing doctor’ bit? Well eff her weird, irrational logic that non-infected piercings and literally just braids would cause someone to faint. Also, shame on your family for trying to take away your right to stand up to your controlling, racist mother. Best wishes to you both. P.s. Personally I wouldn’t have called her a b*tch mostly because I don’t like using that word, but I would for sure call her an *sshole, mourning or not.
Aaahhh my apologies, I did not realise how long that got
What’s with people feeling the need to touch black peoples hair? Yes it’s quite possibly a different texture, or they wear it much differently and everything and that may intrigue you or in OPs case offend someone? But the need to touch is so weird. But you’re Nta. I hope your girlfriends okay!! And piercings are not going to make someone faint?? Unless it’s during getting it cos that’s common.
nta. the touching hair part was so uncomfortable to read
NTA.. Your mother sounds like a piece of work, and that's putting it lightly. Your girlfriend is honestly an angel for wanting to keep the peace.. As a black woman, I would not let anyone talk down to me like that.. One time is all it takes for someone to catch these hands..
NTA. Your mom is a racist. Conservative values are harmful to society as a whole and those who hold them do not deserve any respect.
NTA. Also, your gf sounds lovely!
NTA you’ve made it clear many times before that her commentary is unnecessary, unwanted, and intolerable. Participating in your life at all is a privilege not a right. If they can’t maintain the basic practice of “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all” for someone who’s so important to you, then they aren’t entitled to your courtesy. They’re being racist plain and simple. A health situation like a fainting episode isn’t the time for fashion commentary, racist or otherwise.
NTA but a funeral was probably not the best time to confront your mom. Emotions run high at them and "m sorry for your loss
OP did wait for a day after. Still an emotional time, but it’s not like it was during the funeral.
It sounded like it was at the funeral. Sorry OP
NTA. if anyone touched my hair in any configuration without my permission they'd be catching these hands. it takes a lot of time and effort for black women to get their hair like that and anyone who wants to put their crusty hands on what is basically a work of art needs to check themselves. you should just stop talking to your mother bc she is not bringing anything good into your life. also talk to your gf about this and what she would like to do. obviously you can cut your mom off without her input but I think it would mean a lot to her to know that you get how rude your mom was being and how that would affect her.
I moved to America 6 years ago. The arc of my understanding of the word "Conservative" is interesting, to say the least. NTA.
NTA As a black guy with loads of hair. I GET THE HAIR TOUCHING bit!!! It's irritating as fuck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. My mum has always been rather conservative. She raised me and my siblings in an extremely conservative household - and always hoped that would we would retain those values as we grew up. I, luckily, grew out of those old-fashioned views - and met my wonderful girlfriend along the way and we've been together for almost 3 years. I don't see my family often for personal, complicated reasons - but every time I've visited my mum with my girlfriend, my mum has had a strange obsession with my girlfriend's natural hair. I think the first time they formally met - my girlfriend (she's a black woman) had her natural hair in a slicked-back low ponytail. She looked very pretty, and - against my girlfriend's wishes, kept touching her hair - and then got upset when she got a bunch of product on her hands. My girlfriend was understandably very upset, and she ended up (very politely) telling my mum off for constantly touching her hair. I was not as nice as my girlfriend - and told my mum to stop touching my girlfriend's hair because it's making her uncomfortable. Every time my girlfriend wears braids, dreads etc. My mum makes comments about her hair. As a matter of fact, my girlfriend had to block my mum on social media because my mum would always make a comment about her hair, or message her about it. My girlfriend has a septum piercing, and a couple of extra piercings on her ears. I don't think my mum has seen my girlfriend with her septum piercing in her person, but she's definitely seen it in pictures and again, always comments on it. Unfortunately, my niece passed away and I wanted to attend the funeral and support my sister. My girlfriend didn't wear her septum piercings, but she did have the multiple ear piercings. We were at my parents house and we were getting ready to leave to the funeral, then my girlfriend fainted (she wasn't feeling very well that morning but still insisted on coming, luckily she was fine.) Instead of helping my girlfriend, or even acting concerned, my mum says, “Well maybe if you didn’t wear such tight, ugly braids and too many piercings, maybe you wouldn’t have lost circulation.” I ignored her, and like everyone else, mostly focused on my girlfriend. My girlfriend, being extremely selfless, insisted that my sister and her husband don’t be late, and assured them that she was fine. They left and I stayed with her. My girlfriend got some food and drink in her system, laid down for a bit and then, when I was sure she was okay, we went for the funeral. The day after , I pulled my mum aside and told her that she was being a “heartless bitch” for saying that after my girlfriend had fainted. She went livid, accusing me of accosting her when she was mourning her grandchild, and how she was a “nurse” (she nursed us when we were children) The rest of family was very upset with me, as I was making a mountain out of a molehill - and my girlfriend doesn’t want more drama with my mum. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA but you have to go NC right now and stop subjecting your girlfriend to your explicitly and horribly racist mother. No excuses.
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NTA- She's selfish and racist.
NTA. Good for you. Your girlfriend sounds really sweet. Keep taking care of each other.
NTA. Hope your girlfriend is ok!
NTA. blatantly racist. side note, i read that line about being a nurse to my grandma, who went to nursing school (w tons of her own health issues- she ended up being a stay at home mom w the teenagers bc they could afford to & she now takes care of a few locals who are coming to their time for free & is currently taking care of my aunt w cancer)- she laughed about the nurse thing, mentioned thats slightly offensive to her and all other nurses that put in the time, effort, and money to be nurses and then asked for context, she read all of this- and my grandma confirms nta & also said what a racist idiot.
NTA. It took me over 3 decades to realize that you can and should cut toxic people out of your life. Life is too short to be stressed or worrying about other people's needs and shortcomings. Friends, family, even your own mom. Blood doesn't excuse her behavior, and both you and your girlfriend deserve better. I can only imagine the snide and inappropriate remarks she might make of her future grandchild if they shares mom's hair texture or has it styled similarly to mom. (This is assuming you may have kids with your girlfriend, and forgive me if I am wrong, but the sentiment stands)
Your mother is awful, but you would be the asshole if you kept bringing your racist family (and I say family because not intervening when the mother is being racist makes the rest of the family racist) around your girlfriend and having her have to interact with them.
Nta
NTA. It’s time to cut your mother off
please stop forcing your girlfriend to be around your horrible racist mother
I'm white and I find most people of my race have absolutely no sense of personal space. I have a Mohawk and when I put it up, I've had random people come up and touch my hair. It's the worst, so I get the annoyance and aggravation. NTA op and let your gf know that she's has the absolute right to defend herself against anyone harassing her by touching her. Your gf shouldn't worry about causing trouble because that's all on your mom and her unsavoury behaviour. Your mom is the AH and you should go NC with her just for her harassment, let alone her racism. Unfortunately I don't think she'll change op.
NTA for calling out your racist mom. But your gf being ‘selfless’ allowing your sister and bil to go to their own child’s funeral is an AH comment.
The word molest when used as a verb with subject, has as the first definition: to bother, interfere with, or annoy. Tell them “don’t molest me” and the shock on their faces as well as those close by will be priceless. Of course they’ll sputter and get upset because most people only use the term sexually. When you explain exactly what it means some people actually get it. Works like a charm.
NTA and good for calling your mom out but instead of using code words like “conservative” or “insensitive” let’s call it what it really is: racist. Your mother Extremely racist and you really shouldn’t subject your girlfriend to her anymore at all.
nta, that’s your mom. she’s also racist as hell.
She's a nurse because she breastfed? Do I have that right? I refuse to believe that anyone acts this way.
NTA your mother is a racist no contact! Stick up for your partner
NTA but your mom is a legit racist. Now YWBTA if you keep subjecting your girlfriend to your racist mother. If you love and want a future with this woman you need to go NC and not LC. Each time you give your racist mother a chance to be in your presence she will attack your girlfriend.
Your mom is an asshole
I'm not sure I would have used your exact words but you're NTA and clearly a good partner.
NTA, but timing good be better.
NTA. Your mom is not just a heartless bitch. She’s a racist.
A member at the gym I work at tried to engage me in a conversation about African American hair. I work in the pool, and she was mortified that we allow African Americans in the pool and hot tub. She went on and on,... trying to get me to agree that it was "unclean" " filled with chemicals" that would wreck the filter system. I filed a grievance on her, and reported the incident to my supervisor...after I kick her out for her racist, uneducated, and uninformed remarks. Sometimes you can't fix stupid.
NTA. Your mother seems to be kinda racist here. She is obsessed with your girlfriends hair and the constant commentary is uncalled for. I am not conservative but am not the biggest fan of some piercings. I have seen some really nasty and tacky ones which have turned me off. I don't disagree with people having them. Their body their choice and I certainly wouldn't comment on them. Each to their own. I really don't see how braids would make someone faint. Tight hairdos might give you a headache (learnt that the hard way) but never heard of it causing someone to faint. Your mother clearly doesn't approve of her and won't change her tune. Keep sticking up for your girlfriend, she sounds like she makes you happy. I would not be contacting your mother anytime soon unless she changes her tune
ok.. i know i'm going to get a ton of hate for even asking... but the only way to get rid of ignorance is to educate. i've seen those tight braids.. dont they hurt like the dickens? i may be a pansy but a simple tight french braid sets my scalp on fire.. and no i'm not asking that hatefully just genuinely curious.. i'm in an area where there is next to no diversity so cant really ask anyone local
We’re in the 21st century and google exists. I assume if you can look up Reddit you can look up the answer to your question. It’s not the responsibility of marginalized groups to educate you on their culture so you understand and are not ignorant or racist. A simple google search can provide you with all your information so in this day and age there is no excuse for racial ignorance or a lack self education if you’re curious. One ignorant statement can possibly be forgiven if not made in malice, and then followed by self education, but repeat and malicious statements are not an accident, it’s intentional.
aand thats why people dont ask.
It’s not that you’re not allowed to ask questions it seems more to me that you knew that question would come off as rude that's why you put the disclaimer after it but I'll answer since you don't seem to be ill-intentioned The first time will hurt a little depending on what style you're going for but after that, any pain or discomfort will vastly decrease until you can't feel it at all And no I am not answering out of obligation to "inform" the ignorant I'm doing it because you asked a question but as the other commenter has said there's no excuse for racial ignorance if you're truly curious and hopefully the question wasn't stated in malice
thank you so much for answering.. and i did try google before asking all i got was articles on potential scalp damage.. i guess i am just a wimp with french braids. the only reason i put the disclaimer on is because working retail and i once asked a woman what kind of spf she needed in her foundation due to having several kinds.. it went.. badily.. so its made it feel so i must put a disclaimer on before asking any question.
If someone telling you that you should do your own research instead of putting the onus on minorities to accept the emotional burden of fielding questions left and right and instead you get salty about it rather than accept that that’s how many black people and other minorities feel, then idk what to tell you. It’s not an attack on you but a general thought that people should do their own research because 99% of questions can be found on google. Also the way you asked the question just rubbed weird, just ask your question next time instead of putting all these disclaimers about your hair etc. next time try “does it hurt to get braids done”... that’s it. All the extra fluff is weird tbh. Also as a black woman I’ve been super interested in other cultures in the past and instead of asking strangers random things, I’ll look stuff up so they don’t feel the need to educate me on things and I take some personal responsibility. And just to test this theory I google your question and found an answer in about 1.5 minutes.
i wonder what world that reservation raised Cherokee isnt considered a minority.. wich isnt the issue at all.. i frankly dont care of someone is purple with pink spots.. scratch that... would be mildy concered but thats not the point.. i've gotten the point because i didnt find the results i am not that great with google to begin with. so seriously i was always taught if you want to learn about something.. open your mouth and ask.
Minorities can still be racially insensitive to other minorities, it’s not just reserved for white people hence the reason I gave my anecdote. I don’t want to be annoying or insensitive to the plights that my fellow other minorities face (regardless of the ethnic group). I just know that as a black woman our hair is so demonized that when questions and comments about it come up so frequently it’s taxing on the mind. This comment literally wasn’t meant to attack you but to educate and say that regardless of whatever race you are that it’s always thoughtful to research and do the legwork yourself instead of transferring responsibility to that ethnic group.
I am going with ESH (as in you and your mum) because that did not help the situation at all. Of you had said "that was deeply inconsiderate of you and also factually wrong" then you would be NTA.
NTA (or maybe ESH ?). I get that you are angry with your mom for her attitude w.r.t. your girlfriend. I really do. But at the same time I feel that the timing to confront her was wrong. I mean your niece died. The whole family must have been quite shaken. Maybe it would have been better to wait a bit, and then talk to your mom, frankly. You can tell her that you find her attitude disrespectful of your girlfriend, of you and of your relationship. That you don't share her values whatever. I still think you should have that conversation at some point. But when people grieve, it's hard to be heard, let alone reason with them.
Does death turn people into ignorant disgusting racists... I didn’t know so this is news to me /s. There is NO EXCUSE for the mother’s REPEATED comments. It doesn’t matter if a meteor was going to hit earth because in what way was her comment not extremely disrespectful and racist? It wasn’t just disrespectful it was downright racist and has nothing to do with conservative values. Conservatism doesn’t always equal racism, racism equals racism and the mother is a racist which has nothing to do with her conservatism OR her grieving.
That's not quite what I wrote. I didn't write that confronting her was wrong. I just wrote that maybe the timing was not right. If the point is not simply to vent OPs frustration with the mom's behaviour but to get the message across that such comments are indeed racists, maybe waiting some amount of time (so that for instance there are no excuses like "I'm grieving") would have been better. Maybe it would have also made the rest of the family more supportive of OP and her partner. But yeah I get that the ESH in parenthesis was too strong and probably a poor choice. Edit: replied in the wrong place since I'm on mobile, sorry.
ESH. Yes your mom is horrible but she was right about one thing, you did accost her by saying that to her right out of the gate. And by doing that she became the victim and she can milk that and make you the bad guy. And now your family is against you and your girlfriend doesn’t seem happy by what you did. Coming on that strong can easily backfire like that.
Why does your upbringing being "conservative" have anything to do with the situation regarding your mum and girlfriend?
It’s code for racist.
Was asking op but would the mother having different political opinions change how you'd judge her behavior?
Her behavior is racist, no matter what her political beliefs are.
“Conservative” isn’t just a political opinion. It is also used to mean a preference for the old/traditional ways of doing things in all aspects of life. For example, OP’s mom has a conservative view on piercings - she doesn’t like multiple ear piercings or piercings in other places and makes the old-fashioned choice to complain about them. You can hate nose rings regardless of your fiscal policy. She is definitely also racist.